#im so so so scared i wont have a job this summer

[hermoglobiini]

.

[guinevereslancelot]

i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔

[despite-everything]

i feel like every time i finally feel at peace about going no-contact with my mother something happens again that makes it sickening and one of the hardest things i've done.

i don't think i've ever burst into tears like this before. i dont even cry that often but im just really fucking going through it tonight. my mother texted me photos of the land she's bought down in central texas to build a ranch house on. when i was a kid, my grandparents had ranches. my grandmother was raised on one, too, and its gone back in our family. so i grew up on the ranch for holidays, long weekends, and portions of the summer. when my grandmother died and my parents divorced when i was a preteen, i went with my dad and my connection with that side of the family was almost severed because of my mothers tendency to spread lies and rumors which made me and my father unwelcome. a few years ago, the ranch became public property which is something im grateful for, but its weird to go back and visit, and i live nowhere near there anymore.

i basically went no-contact with my mother two years ago when she used my grandfather's death against me in a really terrible way. that was my grandfather who ranched. i long to be back in central texas. i feel so at home there. but im trans and unless i get one of a few very specific jobs (probably in austin) i wont go back and that breaks my fucking heart. my mother still texts me sometimes, and i havent blocked her because ive been informed of major family news from her even though i cant respond. she bought some land a few months ago and is building on the property and is going to move back to texas. she sent me update photos of the land tonight as well as a story about a beautiful coyote skeleton picked clean by buzzards on the property. i was the family member who collected bones from the ranch. i genuinely burst into tears when i saw the photos.

and then she followed up by talking about how she intends to build a small ranch house and a small guest house for friends and family to feel welcome and visit. and i just can't stop crying. that's all i've ever wanted. my grandparents had several ranches, but sold them. they asked every other person in the family if they'd be willing to take it over and manage it except for me - the one person who had always wanted to do that. but no one asked me and it was at a tumultuous time in my parents marriage so i didnt know until years later and too late. and theres almost no chance in hell i could ever afford property like that unless i inherit. and since all the ranches were sold and my grandparents are dead, i don't think that will ever happen to me. the ranch they lived on was The Ranch in the sense that it had a guest cabin and enough space for family to visit and at holidays there'd be 12-15 of us. i fucking miss that so much and theres no way to get it back and i know that but the fact that my mother is managing to re-create that same thing and i can't be part of it without hurting myself immensely is so sickening to me.

like i feel like im rambling and just sound stupid or ungrateful or something but its like ive been coming to terms with the fact that i'll never have an intact family again and im never going to have access to "home" unless i create one from scratch and i miss living in texas even with the bad parts and i miss the ranch and my family and this woman who has hurt me so fucking much suddenly gets to have this amazing life where she's becoming the new family matriarch and creating a place for everyone to gather and be happy hurts so so so much. im scared i will forgive her. ive cut her off then accepted her back before and it only made things worse. if i know whats good for me i'll stay away. but it's like the thing i've wanted more than anything else in the entire world is being dangled in front of me but if i accept it i might as well kill myself.

[spiteless-xo]

Im so sorry this ramble is so long but here u go🙁

The absolute terror that came over me when i saw the email notification for the new chapter😭😭😭ok before i read im gonna put my final insights here,, ive literally been scrambling around my house procrastinating reading it bc im TERRIFIED and honestly im so sad its ending,, ive been reading since like february??? I think???Idk atp but i cannot express how much ive loved this story i wish it couldve just continued forever🥲🥲

Ok my predictions are that this will not be a one way path ik tiff is evil and likes to fuck w our feelings😞 i think smt twisted like reader picking eren but eren not picking reader could happen BC HE REALISED HIS SELF WORTH MAYBE😭😭but im not intricate enough to actually use that to decide but i honestly am at a loss i have no clue,, its an honest gamble but i do think eren is endgame??? Help i have no clue😭 but i do remember someone analysing the smells? Vanilla is more home and comfort so like a foundation? And citrus was for summer and things but i was thinking how summer is a temporary thing where people live out crazy activities for the sake of it but the whole thing abt it is that its temporary like we always have to go back HOME to our foundation aka vanilla aka eren????

Thing is ive been eren for endgame since DAYY ONEE i only almost switched up once during the arc with erens confession (idky😞) but other than that ive stayed loyal LMAO idk if im just being delusional tho convincing myself I think she'll end up with eren but

ALSO my other point right

I wanna take this back to tiff bc she IS the author😋 from what ive seen in her tumblr,, a lot of the reader owns resemblance to tiff?? She's mentioned a lot how the readers job is based off her irl experience in an office and some of the readers habits shes claimed to have herself i remember she was saying how people bashing the reader made her think like 'wait thats kind of me tho’ i remember it too vaguely to quote but ANYWAY off the basis that the reader is in some aspects (not all) a projection in some ways?? Its gonna influence,, we ALL know tiff is a strong jean girl😭 we love that and so u'd think jean would be picked BUT in between chapters i saw a few tumblr posts abt her growing liking for eren? I wont deny that she is DEFINITELY still a jean girl but i think for some form of variation in her work bc i think as far as i know she only has one other eren story on her ao3 and so i think her growing crush ok eren may be enough to win her over for just this fic even if jean remains her favourite?? I have like ten million other theories but i need to read the chapter now i will be back😋😋 (im so scared im shitting my pants)

-

Im back!! its been like 6 days since i read it but i just didnt have time to write out my reaction after bc i was so fucking immersed i lost track of time and was late to meet up w my friends💀💀💀anyway it was such rollercoaster omd😭 the letters from jean we’re honestly so cute and i think the year time skip made everything all the more realistic in her choice bc she frl needed that break😭 OMD AND THE WAY I WAS PANICKING when that girl came out the elevator istg i thought it was mikasa,, with all generic eren fanfics if theres ever a third party to make the reader jealous theres some unspoken rule to never use mikasa for some reason and i was dying thinking it was gonna be her😭😭 commonly people use historia so when even a mention of eren having a new gf came up my mind shot to historia i swear i was worrying just as much as the reader💀 anyway back to jeans letters i was honestly like getting a bit swayed that i wouldnt even be upset if reader ended up w jean and especially considering how offstandish eren was when reader went to see him at first he was like not following up on anything like he was rushing to see his stupid gf (it was armin🎉🎉🥳) AND THE READER WAS SO CUTE FOR THAT GUNDAM (tysm tiff its such a silly headcanon that eren collects those and builds them i can see it HELP) and i think it was so cute seeing the reader and sasha as bsfs more bc i think there was long periods of time that that relationship w sasha wasnt as strongly shown so its so nice AND OMGOGMOGM LEVI????? U made the dynamic w them so well how he has that small bit of warmth telling her she can work there whenever she needs its the cutest thing ever i love it more than ever and the way levi talks abt petra UGH u made everything so endearing, and istg the reader has never been real until this chapter bc she is so right saying that a bunch of paper doesnt change him bc I KNEW AS SOON AS HE SAID HE NEVER LEFT TITAN AND BECAME BASICALLY HIS DAD that he was not gonna be endgame,, i always had the theory that titan and the kirstein status is a metaphor for the status jean has from the reader bc shes loved him for so long thinking hes someone that hes really not,, jean was painfully aware how he could make any mistake at work and have no punishment similarly to how even if he hurts the reader she will always forgive him so if he couldnt avoid reaping the benefits of his kirstein status then it means he’d continue to take advantage of the reader but thing is this status dissolved when she took that year away from him which is why I appreciate how realistic it all is logic wise,, Eren evidently changed and omg i wanna know abt the pictures on his wall bc when reader was first there there was mention how there were no family pictures or any sign of him really living there but when she came back there were pictures,, i was trying to figure out the meaning but i cant get my finger on it😭 my guess is that he found more purpose in life?? Idk bc that seems so vague and farfetched i was wondering what ur intentions were with that🙆‍♀️ and i had a theory AGES AGO that piecks ‘bad bf’ before jean or smt was zeke?? Bc knowing how zeke was in that gc and stuff like that it sounded like smt was gonna link together? I just think the added details abt piecks past was left unfinished so i was also wondering abt that😋 anyway ugh the ending was also so cute usually i hate when characters dance in fanfics but it was so cute and fitting for the moment like THEM AT THE POINT omg i loved it i love u thank you SO MUCH tiff for an amazing story i hope u have a good day bb❤️❤️❤️

omg thank you for a such a lovely message 🥰💗🥰💗 i’ll hide my response under a cut here because it’s long

reading since february!! omg that’s like the beginning! i think i dropped the first chapter on valentine’s day

“tiff is evil and likes to fuck with our feelings” 💀💀💀 yes.

ugh the smells!!!!! that was my biggest slip up frfr 🙈 i said way too much when i responded to that ask because i was so excited someone asked!! and you guys were all right of course. eren was home and jean was just temporary (like the summer season)

lmao ok literally. i was still a hardcore jean girlie when i started writing tbaw and even after i decided it was gonna end w eren. so throughout writing tbaw….. i literally fell in love w eren jaeger 🙈 and i almost fell out of love w jean!!! tbaw!jean is so awful he almost ruined jean completely for me

hehehe yes yes you’re 100% right w jean. he’s so used to taking advantage and never getting punished (w reader and titan) that he doesn’t really see a point in changing because tbh his life is pretty good?? but then when reader spent time away from him, her blind infatuation w him wore off and then when he tried to pull that same shit again, she’s like nah bro.

ok this is probably not clear at all, but the deal w eren’s apartment is that in the beginning it’s very sanitized and show-homey because he feels distant and detached from his friends/family after the death of his mom and becoming close w zeke. he’s like internally ashamed of the way he’s acting because he knows he’s in the wrong so he’s almost punishing himself by distancing himself from everyone.

and then after a year when he’s changed and the pictures are on the wall, its because hes worked his way out of that hole of self loathing and is happy with the person he is now. so he’s able to feel more comfortable, even in the privacy of his own home, and having his mom “watch over him” in a sense, and cherishing his previous relationship w jean and his ongoing friendship w armin, etc etc.

yes!! pieck’s bad bf was zeke! i was originally going to have her have a bigger role in tbaw to show like how eren’s past behaviour can affect people, since she was a victim of that treatment when she dated zeke. but i scrapped it because it would’ve extended the story so much and also i didn’t really like writing pieck lol

so there are like lil bits and pieces about the pieck/zeke relationship and how the way he treated her makes her seek validation in men, but it’s super underdeveloped in tbaw.

thank you again for such a lovely comment!! i’m glad you enjoyed it 🥰💗

[zipndots]

Saw the tags.

Here's an invitation to scream about the way people treat having a car/driver's license.

oh look at you, enabler you <33 (i literally moved to my pc so i can type this out just a smidge faster and more effectively. pardon any mistakes)

when my sibling was around my age, even a little younger, it got its permit. cool, right? soon enough my big sibling would be able to take me to school and get us food, i thought. its total driving time in its life is around. 4 hours? and thats me being generous.

fast forward ~8 years and im here with 4 hours of driving time under my own belt, hell, even my own car, because my sibling is physically disabled and i wanted to be able to help. thing is, i get so sick and dizzy behind the wheel out of anxiety that i literally cant go on an actual road without crying my eyes out and having a panic attack.

turns out my sibling was like that too, and thats why it had to stop trying.

my own reasoning to justify this anxiety and this sheer dread is because nobody can actually drive on the road here. i probably know the rules and laws of driving in my state (usamerican, sorry) than the majority of people licensed to drive here. you see people with bald tires flying down the highway at 80mph in blizzard conditions, half the time without their headlights, and no turn signal (either out of sheer laziness or because it is broken). do you know how many people on the road are willingly operating a 2 ton hunk of metal so irresponsibly? too many. too fuckin many. i, as a pedestrian, have accepted the fact that despite having right of way across a street that isnt even busy, will more than likely be run over on a normal day because nobody pays attention to their surroundings.

im constantly hounded by my own mother, who says she understands my feelings and anxieties around driving, on when im going to finally start driving and why i keep avoiding it etc etc etc. she doesnt want to teach me because it scares her. my dad doesnt want to teach me because he doesnt have the time (fair, hes a really busy man). my sibling literally cant walk half the time let alone drive. anyone else i dont trust to be in a car with without holding the "oh shit" handle because theyre impatient, irresponsible, and dont even know how to drive safely themselves.

i cant get a job where im living right now. i just recently learned i have some really bad asthma and that paired with dry air, intense weather (below zero temps in winter, above 100 in summer), and going uphill prevents me from commuting to anywhere close. there was a bus stop once upon a time, but they apparently got rid of it in the route, but never bothered to actually get rid of the stop, so the closest bus stops in either direction are uphill and over a mile away, and i genuinely just dont have the right metabolism to endure that.

every time i mention that to somebody, they always, without fail, say "why dont you just drive?" oh, gee, i dont know, probably the fact that i dont feel safe in something that can easily crush me, next to people operating the same machines unsafely and irresponsibly, and have seen first-hand how bad user error can destroy many peoples lives? combined with the fact that i simply prefer being a pedestrian?

the US is so abysmal when it comes to road safety and accessible sidewalks that its almost so funny it makes me want to cry. i feel disgusting having to use a ride share app or call a taxi and waste 40 bucks on a 20 minute ride because either there isnt a safe bus route/walkway or the route that takes me there via bus takes over three hours, taking up the majority of my day. efficient and safe transport here is so fucking awful and of course they wont fund any improvement on it because they dont see a profit to it. because of cars.

i dont even know how to end this rant. im just pissed off more and want to burn down my local government buildings.

[blessedshortcake]

Delete later

I dont know if its the holidays coming up that has me stressing again or just everything piling up in general but its that time of my existence again when i genuinely consider serious harm to get some kind of significant help or care thats more than "just stop worrying"

I cant take school. Im too burnt out and i dont have time to recharge even tho i only have school twice a week. I have no help from my family because asking them for help will either get me forced to live with an unstable household with my sister or in an unstable household with my mother. In both cases shamed and reprihended but in different ways ig so its a pick your poison moment. I cant win

I havent been to class in months. Im terrified. Im failing i dont have enough grades and none of my classmates know me so i cant ask anyone for help. Im terrified if i drop out the gov will make me pay back the child support ive been Literally living off of since i live by myself and wont be hired anywhere because i didnt graduate yet and here you wont be hired without that for like 95% of job spaces. Youre either a student working or have your diploma or you dont exist at all

I gave up hobbies that cost money ive been doing my best to eat whatevers home so i dont spend extra money ordering in but i just dont have the energy to do this anymore. I want a job. I want a job so bad i want to be done with school i cant do school we literally have ptsd from school and no support from anyone around like family or teachers. I cant apply for therapy again because theres a 6 month waitlist and by then its fucking summer (probably) and even then it takes at least a year to start getting any diagnosis and i never managed to hold down a therapist for long enough. They dont take you seriously here in their eyes we were always just lazy or a little sad or haha teenage anxiety

We cant enter a school building without bordering an anxiety attack even if its just for like an art show or any non education related reasons. We cant learn due to alter to alter amnesia (OSDD i almost never talk about it on here but yea hi system here this is Hell) because in classes we either dissociate too bad due to the panic it causes us to just Be behind a desk taking notes with people to actually remember what we wrote if we did write anything and then if you learn anything at home theres a 10% chance youre gonna be the guy at front to take the test because, again, fear.

What the hell am i meant to do when i feel like the best option here is to either blind myself so i get to be excused since id have to restart my life pretty much or try and pretend i was hit by a car on accident because i cant sign into a ward here. I cant call a crisis hotline like "yea i wanna die it sucks ass here" because my family will again either force me to live with someone mentioned above or kick me out and then what. I cant do this im not gonna do anything harsh that could end me like thats not what im saying here im just frustrated and scared and sad about how hopeless this all feels like

[doggirl08-moved]

School is soon RAGHH! This year it is my duty and job to be as weird and friendly as possible but I will not tell others my 3 fav video games in the year 2023 since then everyone will explode my dad is like kylie tell them you play- no...No...i couldnever......hgnghnghngjmk.....unless something idk! But I am super not excited but excited I missed seeing people and walking around and then seeing more people and walking around more and then doing math! Am I excited to do big tests and work now? No!!! But will I make the most out of it yes :)))!! But ya this is my year of being myself now I don't have a creepy stalking nerd breathing down my neck ( So sorry to my old mutuals on my old account who saw me breakdown over that boy! ) and I am still coping with sammie going to a different school but tomorrow im going school shopping yayyy : )!! I probably wont buy much since most stores arent cool enough for me just kidding I am just picky with clothes but this year ill be wearing...BRIGHT COLORS and you know like non bright colors since I am no longer afraid!!! I am super excited to spend my money on keychains and fun little items and be super happy and just listen to music all day and work! My sister called me weird for liking homework and yeah I hate homework but you know what I hate more bad grades! homework reminds me im super smart and plus I am super good with finding answers easily if I ever get stuck!!!! AND ANOTHER THING since ill be a sophomore this is the year of dating for some reason and I am not going to date till college since my studying is super important meaning I am a free man this year and don't have to stress about anything! I am so excited to see my grandma tomorrow she always reminds me im pretty which makes me super happy even if I am like nuh uh most of the time and GUESS WHAT I GET A HAIRCUT FRIDAY!!!!! I don't like doing crazy haircuts minus that one time my hair was super short and I had bangs so ill just be getting a trim and asking if I would look okay with layers :D the women who does my hair is so funny since I talk about horror movies the entire time and school gossip and she always goes they let you watch that??? and your school is insane?!!!!! and im like haha yeah something something drugs something something weird stuff in the bathroom!! But I hope your all excited for me to be myself this year cause I am!!!!! I have been waiting my whole life to be myself and I am no longer scared this summer I realized I live once so I should have fun and be nice and plus people who stare at me cuz my limp and hip are just curious and dumb!!! and people who make fun of others are insecure and probably should go get happy or something yayyyyyy!! sorry for the long post I haven't talked all day minus the 3 short calls I made to my dad :P! ( and my ramblings about my s/i )

[fictionfixations]

i found a fic where midoriya is ranpos reincarnation

and now i have the story outline sorta of a bsd x mha.

also there are references to things and things im trying to exlpain to myself to remember later but maybe you wont and im not gonna explain that haha this is kinda influenced but i also dont wanna write fuckin dostoevsky because how the fuck do you take him down that man is probably smarter and more dangerous then afo imo?? i dont want to make the book a thing (LOOK. the manga is still in its 'what the fuck is happening this is chaos' and the stuff thats mentioned is kinda in that part?? okay so the guy with the perfect crime ability, i know thats been adapted to the anime but the manga hasnt ended, they havent figured out the actual solution to the story thats going on so also 'how the fuck am i meant to do that im so uncreative'

ahaha also the mention of a shatter thing is a reference to some other mha fic but haha go look through my bookmarks i dare you, i copied and pasted an excerpt that explained what happened with shatter. its nice. :))))

okay so just because i started a multi-chapter fic that i actually wanted to finish the next thing i know i have so many documents open with multi-chapter stories and im repeating a mistake i made that ended up with a lotta discontinued fics

instead of being kicked out of the dorms because of outing the guy at the police academy for like cheating on his s/o or whatever, he reluctantly continues and becomes a detective. the youngest ever, and the one who has ended up solving the most cold cases ever.

he becomes tsukauchis problem he is also quirkless. he was never told that he had an ability by fukuzawa-dono. but he is insanely smart, even more then nezu

hes taught by the law enforcement there that not everyone knows what he does, so its important to point things out

ranpo doesnt have much skill in protecting himself, but his knowledge lets him predict some things, as a faux foresight. he gets bested by a new organization (The LOV? except they have more power, and recruit Mushiro Fushiguro or whats its name, the guy with the Perfect Crime ability. Ranpo got involved in the investigation against the LOV. Someone is killed as a threat, and right before his eyes all the evidence is gone, and he has that feeling that something is missing. ..Ah. It's threatening him not to go any further. He does.), and tsukauchi gets hurt, therefore the police department is deemed too risky and is moved to the custody of one Aizawa Shouta. (ofc, erasermic, and shinsou is there) He ends up shadowing Aizawa at his job, having already graduated, and technically class a's senpai.

on the meanwhile, the investigation team collaborates with the Armed Detective Agency from Yokohama, noting the existence of an Ability User they had been chasing down, having been able to figure out that the murder of a certain Mystery novel writer had been in close-ish contact with a man with an ability. 'Perfect Crime'.

like lady nagant, the guy fuckin DIES after they find him and have an encounter and ends up regretting it (because of course ranpo figures it out) but not after giving a very ominous message

they go to the summer camp, ranpo as an honorary member, and trusting in his teammates, gets kidnapped instead in place of bakugo.

afo is interested in the self-proclaimed greatest detective, the youngest one in fact. ranpo feels threatened. he wants him. needs those strategic smarts, but knows that Ranpo would never. Instead, he would make it so Ranpo could never help the other side. He shatters him. for once, his intuition fails him. his teammates are too late.

He was scared. (this is what he gets for being reckless all the time. almost suicidal with how much trust he puts in his colleagues to make it in time.)

think of yosano after she exploded the thing and was all depressed and unreacting.

before this, he meets shinsou at aizawa's place. he bluntly questions why shinsou hasnt used his mindreading. shinsou: what?? aizawa: what have i told you about people not understanding some things? stop being so blunt. ranpo: blink blink oh. Hey Shinsou, did you know that logically you should be able to mind read someone while you're brainwashing them- well actually, its more like you're putting them to sleep, but in a state of sleepwalking, y'know? so their mind is still kinda active and registering things that they're seeing in dreams, and you can interact with them that way and their mind would be much easier to see and read because you're kind of.. in their brain? shinsou: … I CAN DO WHAT NOW? aizawa: ..Ranpo.

shinsou reaches out to ranpo. his eyes stay in their shattered shape but he can see after hes free.

ranpo learns to be less hesitant, but is still paranoid.

[missmorosis]

aw are your finals over now?? how are you feeling? are you getting enough rest?

i’m doing okay!! i started going back to work so i’ve had a couple of shifts here and there and on my days off i’ve just been reading and watching anime!

ooh i’ll check it out!! what’s it about?

aw good!! i’m so glad to hear that they went well and are over and done with! do you have any fun plans after your finals? and of course!! ily too! <3

i was under during the surgery so i didn’t feel anything but the recovery was quite painful for a few weeks 🥲 i’m all better now though! glad it’s over and done with!! and i’m reading toilet bound hanako kun and fruits basket! i finished the anime last year but it’s my fav so i’ve been reading the manga!

aw i’m so happy to hear it was good!! it must’ve been so much fun! and i hope you’re able to go to more concerts in the future! omg some guy stole your phone?? were you okay?? that’s so weird!! i’m glad to hear the concert was good otherwise! ooh free stickers are always nice hehe. who’s your bias by the way?

YES BUT NO I HAVE A FINAL NEXT WEEK BUT ITS FOR SUMMER SCHOOL HDNDMDM- i am #verytired BUT its almost the weekend so ill catch up on sleep

OH THATS GOOD TO HEAR!! hopefully ur shifts arent too tirinf 🤞🤞

AND 25 21 💥💥💥💥 it was actually so good i was screaming and sobbing BRKFMMS- OKOK BASICALLY ITS ABOUT A GIRL WHOS REALLY REALLY GOOD AT FENCING?? shes on her school fencing team w a girl who shes idolized!! its just a sports kdrama but its so good bc her mom is a news anchor and so shes never there for the girl?? and the guy she falls in love with is a reporter so its like the same issues and u just watch how their love grows and how the reporter job does stuff to their relationship☹️☹️ IT SOUNDS KIND OF LAME WHEN IM EXPLAINING IT LIKE THIS BUT I SWEAR ITS MY FAVORITE KDRAMA EVER AND THE FRIENDSHIPS ARE SO HEARTWARMINGGJGNNG- u wont regret ittt

UM I DONT HAVE PLANS BC OF SUMMER SCHOOL ☹️ when this is over tho i will be having the time of my life i promise

ARE U DULLY RECOVERED NOW???

OH YES YES I REMEMBER U LIKED FRUITS BASKET!! i think i watched a bit but it was a long time ago😭😭 ILL HAVE TO FINISH IT JUST FOR U

YESYES ME TOOO!! where i live theres always concerts nearby esp when people go on tour ‼️‼️ times like these are when im thankful i live in la

AND YEA SOMEONE TOOK MY PHONE AS IF I WOULDNT NOTICE 💥💥💥 scare of ny life im so glad i got it back 😭😭

MGMGMHMM I LOVE STICKERS SMMM!! i woulsnt say i have a bias yet BUT im leaning toward dahyun sana and chaeyoung I CANT CHOOSE HOW ABT U?? whos ur bias

[softclowns]

gonna use tumblr for what its TRUE purpose is. venting 😼