#and top of everything i just. cant get myself a fucking job

[hermoglobiini]

.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.

[actual-corpse]

Was gone for a week and a half.

Cats had no water

Trash not taken out

Piss on tub

Shit on toilet

Dishes in sink

CATS. HAD. NO. WATER

I can forgive everything else, it's fucking annoying, what the fuck ever....

BUT THE CATS HAD NO WATER AND I DONT KNOW HOW LONG THEY DIDN'T HAVE WATER

[timehascomeagain]

im literally this close to giving up on everything love and light

[carrotpiss]

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

[hecksupremechips]

Literally feeling sooooo horrible and hopeless oh boy 🌝

[cherizzx]

Omg... He fell!

Todo Aoi x Black Reader!

This my first story y'all so be nice! well critic but keep it cute!

' Omg...this nigga dumb as hell' I thought, seeing Yuji and Todo arm wrestlin but with..pinkies? Like I understand they both got loose screws in they head because of..I truly don't know but, they don't get it all up there! I was watching til my friend Liyah taps me and snickers " Girl you finna burn a hole in they head!" she giggled, and I just roll my eyes adjusting myself in my seat to look at her. " Hey na!, not too much I'm only watchin" I responded still somewhat looking at them but not Yuji; I mean he's cute and all buttt, I LOVE ME SOME TODO! I mean his muscles, and his smile that little smirk just gets me goin!, and lets not talk about his confidence! Usually, cocky guys just give off red flags but him, he's confident in himself! He don't need to prove himself to nobody because he knows he's the shit he like drake but not drake ( Fucking hate drake).

Me and Liyah continue talking about random shit like baddies and if Coi Leray a real rapper when Yuji and Todo waltzes, they big asses up to us.

" Hye ladies- I mean young pretties!" Yuji starts, to be honest he walked up like Chris Brown did that girl in the Fine China music video all smooth and stuff, me and Liyah side-eye him and we say our little " Hii!"s Yuji starts talking about how it's a new cafe opening up downtown and he and Todo wanted to invite us! I turned to Todo to speak to him but, he avoids my eyes! Like I'm Ms. Netta in the face and I'm like ' Don't make me cry rn why tf you are looking at me like my lace liftin!?' (But you don't have a- chile..) I looked and Todo, his tan a little darker around the cheeks and I ask what wrong.

" N-nothing! Just a little hot today! Afterall, I just whopped Yuji's ass in battle so i am a little sweaty" Yuji then cuts his eyes to Todo and gives him a stank face.

" Todo..I flipped you 12 time-"

" That don't matter brother" Todo cuts him off with a smirk.

Me and Liyah laughed at that and agreed, Yuji told us be ready by 5pm and we say our goodbyes and I headed to my dorm. I opened the door and let out the biggest giggle of my life! I'm going on a date with my man that's not my man, but ya know..we basically dating! I opened my closet to pick an outfit, not thotty but shows some skin, not too modest thought because it too hot to be a nun, and not too casual because we never gave basic; I just picked some blue and white dunks, light blue flare jeans, and a cute top and I touch up my hair and face ( Face card neva declined) and I called Liyah while doing my hair to see is she ready.

" Hey boo! You ready or almost ready?"

" Heyyyyy! About that.. I cant go"

... and I remember thinking.. I'm about to beat this bitch up.

" What you mean ' YoU CaN't Go' I mock, getting anxious and a bit pissed off.

" I'm Sorry! My job said for an extra $50 I can come in really quick for today! But don't worry Yuji told me Todo is still going an-"

" Wait YUJI NOT COMING!?" I almost yelled, I mean if the world wanna crash down on me it can! But GOD WHYYYY??

Liyah explained Yuji had a mission a bit far and he went but, Todo was going because it close to his gym. I just roll my eyes at the phone and just says ok and hangs ups, I finish up my hair and face and I grab my purse and keys when I open my door and Todo is mid pause of knocking on my door.

" Oh! Hi, why are yo-"

" Hello lovely reader!"

" Hi Todo, are you here to pic-"

" Ive come to pick up up for our outing this evening!" ...Well no shit I couldn't have guessed. I turned to lock my door and we are off to the cafe, as we're walking Todo seems quiet...for the first time he's not yelling or anythuing but he's calm almost nervous.

" Everything alright Todo?" I asked looking up at his stature.

" yes..eveything fine reader, just a bit off ease" Todo says stone faced or regular I don't know really but, I ask what wrong and he gets into how he feels like I don't like him like I like Yuji... this man must be dumber than a box of nails because I can't!

" That's not true Todo, I like you just as much as I like yu-"

" But its not what I want." He stops, I turn to look at him confused.

" I want you to LIKE me, not friend like, not family like but, LIKE me how I like Takada Chan, LIKE me how I like you"

I fucking knew it.

I get bitches and niggas, I'm that girl fr, I'm practically like Lori Harvey; Todo just confessed to me and all im doing is smiling like got $5 from my auntie randomly. I giggled though and Todo looks up at him and kind of frowns.

" I know you may not return my feelings but laughing i-"

" OMG SHUT UP BRO" I yelled and somewhat laughed, Todo confused just plainly stares at me.

" I've liked you since liem forever, when you told me how your favorite singer girl impacts you ti was soo cute! Like you really are kind, goofy, maybe a bit idoitic but it ok! Becasue it makes you well you!" I go on and on with my feelings and when im done odo is just crying

" Oh! Todo i dint mean to-"

" THATS THE KINDEST THING SOMEONE HAS EVER SAID TO ME!" Todo says well sobs, He hugs me tightly and goes on about his crush and I'm just patting his back awkwardly (I'll bite him tbh)

Todo lets go and wipes his face and smiles at me a bit, I return it and I grab his hand and I hold it tightly. The warmth of his hands cools down my cold hands, the world seems to slow just a bit, and everything seems more peaceful.

We interlock hands and Todo smiles, and we walk onwards happily...until Todo trips on a rock and busted his ass.

" OH- Omg..OMG! Are you ok!?"

Todo just lays there and says nothing...for a while, I look around and I just drag his body to a bench. He's big and hungry because aint no way your 17 and you weight 55,000 pounds you big and freaky man! I fan and him and clean him up with a spare napkin and he groans to consciences.

" You ok?"

" Yes...where is Takada Chan?"

...Don't tell me he thought I was Takada bro...he so dumb.

Omg y'all this was like a spontaneous thing! And it soooo long like I'm really Shakespeare fr if you think about it. But yea this my first lil story or whatever tell me if like it or if it needs some work because I lowkey wanna expand on my headcanons about this FINE ASS MAN! 😍😍

[f444keitflowers]

Yellowjackets characters as Boygenius songs !!

Taissa Turner - Souviner

Always managed to move in / right next to the cemeteries / and never far from hospitals / I don't know what that tells you about me / pulling thorns out of my palm / working midnight surgery / when I cut a hole into my skull / do you hate what you see? / like I do.

Vanessa Plamer - Emily i’m sorry

Headed straight for the concrete / in a nightmare / screaming / now i’m wide awake /spiralling / and you dont wanna talk / just take me back to montreal / i’ll get a real job / you’ll go back to school / we can burn out / in the freezing cold / and just get lost / Emily i’m sorry baby / you know how I get / when i’m wrong / and I can feel myself becoming somebody i’m not / I’m not sorry

Jackie taylor - Cool about it

I came prepared for absolution / if you’d only ask / so I take some offense when you say “no regrets” / […] / once I took your medication / to know what it’s like / and now I have to act like/ I cant read your mind / I ask you how you’re doing / and I let you lie / but we dont have to talk about it / I can walk you home / and practice method acting / i’ll pretend being with you doesn’t feel like drowning / telling you it’s nice to see / how good you’re doing / even though we know / it isn’t true.

Shauna Shipman - Letter to an old poet

I said "I think that you're special" / you told me once that I'm selfish / and I kissed you hard / in the dark / in the closet / […] / you don't know me / I wanna be happy / I'm ready / to walk into my room / without looking for you / I'll go up to the top of our building / and remember my dog / when I see the full moon / I can't feel it yet / but I am waiting

Lottie Matthews - Not strong enough

Always an angel / never a god / always an angel / never a god / I don't know why I am / the way I am / There's something in the static / I think I've been having / revelations / Coming to / in the front seat / nearly empty / Skip the exit / to our old street and go home / Go home alone

Laura Lee - Without you without them

give me everything you’ve got / i’ll take what I can get / I want to hear your story / and be a part of it / thank your father before you / his mother before him / who would I be without you without them? / speak to me / until your histories / no mystery to me.

Natalie Scatorccio - Revolution 0

If it isn't love / then what the fuck is it? / I guess just let me pretend / I don't want to die / That's a lie / But I'm afraid to get sick / I don't know what that is / You wanted a song / So it's gonna be a short one / Wish I wasn't so tired / But I'm tired / If you're not enough / Then I give up/ and then nothing is / I used to think if I just closed my eyes / I would disappear.

Misty Quigley - Stay Down

I wasn’t a fighter til somebody told me i’d better learn / to lean into the punch / so it don’t hurt as bad / when they leave / there you were / turning my cheek / i look at you / and you look at a screen / i’m in the backseat of my body / i’m just steering my life / in a video game / similar accent / a different name / it’s a slow down / so would you teach me im the villain / aren’t I / aren’t I the one / constantly repenting for a difficult mind

[sad-leon]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

[seongminiz]

camboy!taeyoung thoughts !!

minors dni ; camboy roommate!taeyoung x afab!reader ; word count: ~770

warnings : not very detailed smut ; masturbation ; dont know how but this mighttt count as dubcon since both taeyoung n reader r doing everything behind each others back ? ; kind of exhibitionism idk ; i overuse the („• ᴗ •„) emoticon bc im insane

based on that one taeyoung video , might be- no its definitely all over the place , not proof read , was supposed to post this last night but i fell asleep , pls guys dont make fun of me idk how long i can still pull the autistic aroace lesbian card to defend myself from the shitty writer allegations , im very sleepy rn :3 , might post a part 2 if anyone is interested bc im not done with the thoughts („• ᴗ •„)

camboy taeyo- GETS RAN OVER BY A TRAIN

my god my god my god

he'd sometimes use fleshlights n stuff like that but nothinggg would beat when hes fucking his hand n cums all over his toned abs („• ᴗ •„) n he'd tease his audience sooo much ! being all cocky n mostly in a dom mood ,, but the most fun streams of his r the ones where hes more subby :( begging n whining n trying sooo hard not to come too early bc being this vulnerable in front of an audience makes him more sensitive n turned on •v• camboy tyoungie i fucking love u thats it

and and and and

roommate!taeyoung who also works as a camboy to have some extra money to spend on himself . u dont know abt it , u just assume hes rlly loud n horny all the time - which, hey, u cant rlly blame him for it - but u do question if hes that loud bc he wants u to hear him ,, if only u knew how ur guess isn't that far fetched , taeyoung having to keep himself from moaning ur name everytime he streams, touching himself to the thought of u - on top of him or under him , anywhere , he doesn't care , just thinking abt u is enough . and if only he knew how u took an habit of touching urself at the same time, ur bed being conveniently against the wall confining with his room .. u dont even worry abt taeyoung hearing u , you pride yourself in being on the quieter side - you really aren't and taeyoung anxiously checks if his mic is picking up on ur sounds every single time he hears u . until one eventful day - while taeyoung is out at the gym or something - u realize oh shit , u r unbelievably horny n ur personal jerk off material isn't home ,, u r so desperate , nothing you find on twitter or even those shitty porn sites seems to do the job , it's almost like you've conditioned yourself to only feel good bc of taeyoung </3 at some point , doom scrolling ur twitter tl u come across an account u follow promoting their ,, streaming channel on some obscure website that sounds like a scam . no its definitely a scam . you've never had that much of an interest in this kind of content , but you figure at this point u could try anything to get rid of how unbearably horny u r . again, nothing of what you're seeing piques your interest, until u see the thumbnail of a specific vod from a few days prior. despite being darker, you can still realize the room looks eerily similar to yours - to taeyoung's. u shake ur head, giving yourself a few slaps for good measure and whispering to yourself to 'fucking snap out of it', there's no way you're so down bad for ur roommate u r starting to imagine him as one of these camboys. no way. but u still cant fight the urge to click on the video, maybe the resemblance to taeyoung is what can get u to finally feel good . you hurriedly put your oh so beloved noise canceling headphones on and turn the volume up. that's when your heart sinks and u freeze, hand stopping halfway inside your shorts bc holy shit that sounds a little too much like taeyoung, n u r now a hundred percent sure u saw those same bedsheets in his room four days ago - coincidentally the same day this was streamed, and yes thats his shirt, the one that always drives u insane bc he looks a little too good in it .... before u know it , you're on ur third vod of his , basically binge watching all of his past streams and on the verge of tears with how much you've been overstimulating yourself . you're so lost in it u dont realize taeyoung has come back home around the midst of 2nd video or so , and knows exactly what ur up to when he hears u moaning his name . poor boy is fighting the urge to just burst into your room , telling himself it wouldn't be morally right to do so - as if jerking off to the thought of his roommate while streaming or standing right by their door as he starts to slowly palm himself over his pants while listening to you getting off is any more decent ,,

this might stay ur little secret , both too shy to confront each other abt it ,, or maybe taeyoung will just have to wait for a repeat of that day to catch you red handed and finally get what he's been craving for weeks („• ᴗ •„)

[mouthpoisons]

tl;dr my council house that i was given so i can escape my abusive father is currently unlivable and i cant afford to make it livable because im disabled and cant work. my symptoms are also worsening and i cant afford the leg braces i need

for disability pride month it would be nice if people could swing me some money so i can put flooring in my livingroom and hallway, and buy an oven and furniture. i was given a council house in may in order to escape my abusive father, but i havent been able to actually move in yet because it came completely bare, with only old dirty concrete floors in all of the rooms except the bathroom and kitchen, and no kitchen appliances.

i only get between £600 and £700 a month in disability benefits, and the government is supposed to be helping me pay rent (£400pcm) but whenever i try and enquire about the housing benefits im entitled to i get ignored lmao. council tax also wont give me a deduction on the £1300 bill they gave me until im physically living in my house, which for aforementioned reasons i cant do yet.

i cant work due to my disabilities, and between me and my mum who has a below min wage custodial job its been very hard for us to afford to make the place habitable. since i was given the house in may we've only been able to put floor in one room, and buy a bed/mattress, wachine machine, and fridge. i dont have any of my own furniture to take with me for reasons that are too long to go into here, but im starting completely from scratch.

on top of this my health is getting worse all the time and im not recieving any help. after bothering doctors for years and years about my worsening symptoms (and getting the ''its cus youre fat'' excuse several times), last year i finally managed to convince GPs to let me get an xray/blood test done. they now believe i have rheumatoid arthritis. im waiting on an ''urgent'' specialist referral that was first made in march and ive had to chase up 3 times. ive also discussed EDS with a GP who believes its a possibility

the process of just getting my symptoms recognised as a problem has taken at least 5 years, and im like. actively deteriorating while im waiting for these people to sort themselves out. ive gone from not needing to use a cane, to using one part time, to my cane not cutting it anymore, in just 3 years. i need to get hip/knee/ankle braces and specialist insoles and potentially upgrade to a different mobility aid. in addition to the arthritis inflammation i have in every joint in my legs according to my xray, i also have hypermobile knees, and very painful flat feet and plantar fasciitis. its so fucked over here and its getting worse while i wait for doctors to to actually follow up on the ''urgent'' care they think i need and i cant afford to help myself in the meantime. its scary and im sick of it and so so tired

if youd like to dono, my cashapp is £flintjupiter and my paypal is @/flintjupiter

if youd like to buy something, i have a merch shop which is closing down because 1. im too ill to run it anymore and 2. i cant afford to run it anymore, everything is heavily discounted

im also selling some of my old collector items on ebay, more listings will be posted soon while i unpack things from storage

cheers

[imagintheworldaway]

Florida

A/N idk with this one, i just could't stop myself.

Warnings: Drugs, memory loss

Requests: Open

Life hasn't been easy. We both got dealt shitty hands, abusive childhoods, absent parents, people only ever caring when the fame and money followed. But that wasn’t for years. We were both broke kids trying to figure it out, only having each other as a comfort blanket. It's so shitty to think about, we were both just kids, two kids who were never given a real chance. That's where it started. At Least that's my theory. What do you expect, kids learn from the adults that raise them, and when the adults are shitty there is no question that the kid will more than likely also turn out to be shitty. Deep down, somewhere in my soul, I knew I had good in me, but what's the point of being good and decent and nice when the world and everyone in it had only thrown it all back in your face? 

I don't really remember the first time I met Frank. I remember we were kids, well teenagers, we ran in similar crowds, and he always had this smile, this cheeky smile which you just couldn’t say no to. And those eyes. Those emerald green eyes, the way the sunset shone in them when we were lying on top of a building, no cares, no one to answer to, just ourselves. Maybe the silence in knowing that we were both doomed was what comforted me. Maybe it was the fact he was tall and handsome, or maybe because he could do things to me that made my knees weak and screams echo through the city. 

When he suggested, well when he told me he was moving to LA there was no doubt I would follow him. There was nothing holding me down, so why not follow a boy to LA and see how it goes. I think that's when everything truly clicked for the first time. Being homeless, couch surfing, working dodgy jobs just to buy liquor and cigarettes was how we got by. That sunset, nothing really beat the LA sunset, the warm hues and bright rays that glistened in his eyes, illuminating his face reassured me that this was all worth it. 

But LA changed us. Like it does everyone else who gets sucked into the black pit which is the city. As we grew we were able to scrape together some pennies for an apartment. That's when the bug changed. My Frankie was now the sexy Nikki Sixx and I gained the nickname of Florida, or Flo. why? Well I was still as carefree as when I had arrived here. I didn't care where, when or what we did, and everyone we met said I was like a ray of sunshine, meaning I was like Florida. I was also majorly sedated most of the time which only added to the birth of the nickname. Nikki said he always saw Florida as the much more chiller younger cousin to LA, he always wanted to go to Florida, maybe it was the child in him that missed out on such a core memory that so many other kids got to have. So I became his Florida.

We had our own funny little rituals to get by. I would pray for snow and Nikki would produce the white powder that sent shivers down my spine but always brought me a great warmth. Our house was an apartment but our home was on the borderline. We would work these stupid jobs, meet our dealer, then climb on the roof. Heads frazzled in white powder but the same comforting silence that we had as tennagers still there, reassuring us that this was right. 

Sometimes Nikki would hold me so close I could swear that I could hear his thoughts. His hand was always squeezing mine, comforting me, knowing we were at the same place. But bliss cant last forever. 

I was happy that Nikki was finally in a band that made sense. Tommy was such a goofball and always knew the right thing to say, Mick was quiet, but we had a silent understanding, we looked after each other and then there was Vince, he was gorgeous, and always knew how to make my heart flutter and my cheeks red. They would practise and write songs as I would cut the lines. I never got involved with their business and they left me to mine. It was good. So fucking good. Until it wasn’t. 

The more popular the boys got the more money i got a hold of and the more lines, spliffs, pills, tabs and alcohol i consumed. I became the girl always at the show, dancing along on the side, supporting her boys. The music used to create colours, streams of vibrant vibrations would cloud my vision as I swayed and moved to the beat. I couldn’t care about the other girls. Why would i? He always came back to me, no matter what. I was the one in the pictures who he had his arm around, i was the one he brought to the parties, i was the only who kept his supply safe. 

It never stopped. I was the new guy everyone went to. You wanted something, you went and talked to Flo to get it. It was like my own dirty little secret that few people were in on. It was never my intent but it was easy. I kept the gear, he kept me satisfied. What I once thought was love I think was deeper. Nikki and I were the same person, and people knew that, you can't find Nikki? He's with Flo. Need some gear? Florida will be in Nikkis' room. A package deal, two of a kind, dare I say soulmates. 

All good things must come to an end. That's what our first dealer had said to us. How did he know that all the way back then? I don't know, I don't care to know. He always did warn us though. He always said how I was stupid for following a boy because I was in love. Love was only an emotion, so why did I care so much about a silly little feeling? Maybe because, as fucked up as whatever this thing we had was, it was the only form of love either of us had ever felt. 

I was a good girl. The perfect girlfriend, anything he could ever want, but i wasn't enough, i would never be enough. Florida was pretty, Florida was fun, but Florida wasn’t without its demons, it's blotches on its happy go lucky outlook on life, I truly was becoming the worst parts of it all. I took a second to think. When was the last time someone had called me by my real name? What even was my real name?  ‘Hold out your hand’ someone said, easily distracting me from my thoughts. Who was that? I was alone, wasn't i? Maybe not. I felt a light pressure on the back of my head, forcing it down. So that my nose met the white powder that had been lazily sprawled across the side of my hand. I took in the sensation of the powder I had felt so many times before. Don't forget to smile Florida, this is as good as it gets. 

[stonebutchstories]

Thursday

Stone butch dom top/ stone butch bottom

Robin she/they

Natalie he/him

Cw: sexual language, explicit language, domination, use of titles (sir/boy), partial undressing, oral fingering, degrading language, manhandling, sex toys, oral performed on a toy

It’s Thursday. Natalie just got a promotion at work, but its hard to celebrate in the middle of a flare up. His boy Robin has some inspiration from an outside source.

I knew before I went to bed that I’d wake up in pain. The forecast was calling for yet another gray one, and I’d had too many surprise painless days in a row. I was due for it, with my period probably starting, too. I preemptively applied some generous dabs of tiger balm to my biggest problem areas, propped everything with pillows that needs propped, and had my ibuprofen at my bedside with my other medication in a shallow trinket dish Robin had gotten me on a trip. I put my phone under my pillow, where it would be easy to call them in the morning. They hadn’t stayed the night, since they had a lecture at 7 sharp and didn’t want to wake me up early just to spend a few extra hours in pain.

I’m used to being right, but it’s a hollow victory. I guessed right about my left hip, since it’s always the first thing to ache. My left ankle is flaring up, too, today. And my neck and shoulders. Surprisingly, I hadn’t gotten my period yet. Maybe something to bring up with my endocrinologist, as a blessed side effect of microdosing T, or something to be worried about. There would have to be emails and phone calls, when I felt well enough for it.

I took the pills I set out and reapplied the balm, shuffling with my duvet into the kitchen. From there, I went about my shitty morning. Frozen breakfast, smoking my shitty bent-up spliff with the last of what I got from my med card, sending off my shitty emails to my shitty boss. I worked from home in the barest sense, mostly moving around commas in outlook online to keep my status as ‘active’. By 3, my smoke had worn off and I took a long bath, with my laptop next to me in case of a work crisis. By 5, I had fallen asleep on the couch in fresh pajamas, page 11 into the monthly faculty newsletter. By 6, Robin was home.

“Hi, Nat.” Shes smiling, already looking apologetic. She knows it was a bad day, but gives me the chance to confirm it.

“Jalen got a job offer with another dealership.”

She raises her eyebrows, trying to conjure the memory of this work drama. “Oh? … No shit, huh? Well. I guess that’s good for you, though.” They played off having no idea what I was talking about well.

“Yeah, well. I’m happy for him. It is good news for me, I think.”

“Raise or just title-wise?”

“Raise. Possibly title, which is more important with layoffs next year.”

They drop their arms out from where they had been crossed. “Natalie. That’s amazing.”

I groan from under the cushions.

They prop a knee on the couch, starting to scooch in closer to me. “I mean, you deserved it last year, in my opinion. You were more on it than most of your coworkers at the start of the pandemic. NOT giving you a raise is what would be unbelievable. I wouldn’t let them fuck me over like that.”

“Good thing they’re not fucking me over.” I don’t move.

She drops her hands. “Is this… not good news?”

I shift under the duvet. “It is good news. It’s just a bad pain day. I cant get excited about it.”

Robin slumps into me. “Oh hon.” She throws an arm over me, avoiding my bad hip, or at least what looks like it from under the covers.

I grumble. “Don’t ‘hon’ me. You sound like my mom.”

She pats my back gently, putting on my mom’s Wisco affect. “It’s okay, hon, progress isn’t linear.” She pauses. “Neither is your spine.”

I laugh in spite of myself. River knows how to get me to laugh on an off day, and it’s almost always at the expense of those corny positivity accounts my mom and siblings repost. If anybody else said this shit, I’d be rolling my eyes, but Robin can. Maybe because they’re funny, maybe because they actually sit with me to do the work and drive me to the specialist, and let me squeeze the ever-loving fuck outta their hand when I’m doing my PT exercises, and apply tiger balm to me in fascinated concentric circles. We can laugh at it together instead of me, in my little dark hole suffering and getting laughed at by my body. I love Robin’s way, and I laugh.

“After I get done with your goofy ass, NEITHER of our spines are gonna be linear.” I mime some punches.

She kneels on the floor next to the couch, putting her grinning face up close to mine.

“Oh? Gonna blow my back out, big guy?” They shake their hips suggestively. Robin’s kinda a pretty boy, despite the way she carries herself. I think it’s all in the subtle things. They shaved their head, but they have full eyelashes that sweep down and meet their early wrinkles. They wear bulky thrift menswear and ugly grandpa shirts, but the tips of their collarbones poke out of the neckline in a way that draws my mouth in magnetically. She rarely goes a week without jeers from coworkers about hickies. We enjoy being old timers in young love.

I click my tongue, trying to play off my blush. “Man. Sure would like to.”

“Hmm. Bet you would.” She brushes my hair out from my eyes, and kisses my forehead. She whispers when our heads are close. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it at work.”

I pull her in by the back of the neck. “Oh, yeah? What were you thinking about?”

She considers it for a moment, then pulls away. “Calm down, honey. I gotta make us some food first.”

I pout. “Can’t we just get takeout?”

Robin considers. “Weeeeell. You did just get that raise. We could write it off as a celebration.”

“Yessss. See, you have me enthusiastic about work.” I toss a limp arm in underwhelmed celebration. “Hooray for my raise.”

She holds my hand, rubbing over the knuckles with her thumb. She slots her back against the back of the couch, holding out her phone for the two of us to look at.

“What should we get?”

We scroll through DoorDash for a while, checking the local selection for something suitable. I’m very agreeable, hoping to pick quick and get done quicker. I wanna hear what it is had Robin distracted at work.

We order and I forget what we got the second Robin turns to face me. My mind is on one thing only. We have about forty minutes.

“Get your ass over here, pretty boy.”

They tense up, the electric charge that comes with the shift in our dynamic physically setting in. “Are we starting, sir?”

“Yes.”

Robin stands to undress. I’m not in a state to do it myself, and they know it. I’m miffed, but they know how to compensate. They lift off the many layers they came in wearing with gentle hands and breathy sighs. When I watch them, feeling up on themselves and letting the cotton fabrics slide lazily over their skin, I can imagine what it would be like to live in a body predisposed for pleasure. I might be jealous if it was anybody else, watching them lavish sensation over a body that is warm and pliant, but as it stands it just makes me want to begin.

“Robin. Grab me an ibuprofen.”

She hardens for a moment, concerned.

“Go on, pretty boy. Do as you’re told.”

That sets her off quick. I can hear her scurrying around the kitchen, a little cold in her skimpy underclothes. I’m hoping this does the trick fast- I want to fuck them harder than my body is gonna let me. She hurries back, lifting the pills to my mouth and practically pouring some tap water in.

“Jesus. A little eager, huh?”

She chuckles. “Ah, Sorry, sir.” Shes fidgeting, sitting on the hardwood in her boxers and thin tank top. She usually keeps them on even if my hands are under them. I don’t mind at all- I keep everything on. As much skin as she likes to allow me, that’s precious. I don’t want for anything but her. Still, she’s cold in this freezing-ass apartment. I pat the couch beside me.

Robin crawls under the duvet with me, legs a bit chilly from having stripped down. I can feel the thin hairs on their calves when they tangle together with me, careful not to bother my bad leg.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s been on your mind today, baby boy?”

Robin hums again. “Mostly, I was thinking of this video I saw. There’s this couple I found on OnlyFans the other day and it’s two dykes. One of em looks like you. They do some things I wanna try.”

“Oh yeah? What kind of things?”

Robin wraps an arm around my shoulders, trying to steal some body heat. She tucks her head into me and whispers into my neck, avoiding looking me in the eyes for this. “This most recent one was uh. Sucking strap.”

It’s borderline embarrassing how obviously my gaze falls on Robins lips. They have soft, full lips that hum out gentle contentment at almost everything I say. She tells me she hums like that because she likes the sound of my voice, how I’m confident, how I’m unshakable. She says she’s agreeing with the way I carry myself, giving perpetual yesses to what I am. Hearing that they think those things makes them true, even when I disagree. Robin’s always chewing something while she works, and I focus on that rhythmic movement in her jaw as much as she focuses on what she’s getting done. So intent, and calm. I imagine tilting her head up and away from her laptop screen, facing those focused, drooping eyes at me as I stand above her and sink my fingers deep. And the fucking sound that would give me, God, I need to feel it in my fingerprints.

I brush my pointer and ring finger against their lower lip, testing. I don’t want to startle them. Some times, I worry about being too much too quickly for Robin. They’re sensitive like that. They lean in instantaneously, delighting in the feeling. They lift their head away from my neck and into my touch.

“Like this?”

I go slow, and they yield for me without breaking our eye contact. They nod and hum eagerly, eyes fluttering shut. Her jaw goes slack and I press my fingers in. Robin hums against them, and a warm vibration travels up my arm and to my brain, one that makes every nerve become so much more alive. I feel all the delicate slides and wriggles of her tongue in my fingers, every sensation she can possibly give me. The soft walls of her cheeks, smooth and slippery teeth brushing against my knuckles. She sucks gently, mostly just letting her mouth go limp against the motions, cause she’s the kind who gets embarrassed at the sound of her own desperation. I don’t mind it, it just means we have to take our time. And that means I will be fucking her slow. I squeeze my legs together and shudder, ache be damned.

“Sir.” She says as best she can around the fingers pumping sweetly in and out of her mouth. I slip them all the way out so she can speak, for now.

“Yes?”

“In the video, the one getting fucked had their arms pinned.”

I grin. God. Fuckin’ Robin, man.

“That so?”

They hum.

“Well, you know I’m a sucker for a faithful adaptation.”

I turn her onto her stomach, quick enough that it sends a shock down my shoulder blade. I grit through it, maybe pushing her down into the cushions a little extra hard. I catch her arms in one hand, and lean myself over her to hold her down. They yelp in surprise and curl their legs together.

“S-so rough with me today, sir.”

“Sorry. My shoulder.” I chuckle apologetically.

“I don’t mind.”

Ah. I tentatively roll my knee, the one forked between her legs. She moans.

“You want it like this , baby boy? I’m surprised at you. Youve been so soft lately.”

It’s true. Robin has been on a bit of a vanilla streak. I think it’s the cold weather, it makes them want to cuddle up and go to bed before we can work up to anything more rough. Whatever’s broken the streak is welcome.

“Hmm. I’ve got an itch I need to scratch. I need you to push me.”

“Push how?” I want specifics. I still myself completely, waiting for them to tell me exactly how hard and where.

“Like, physically. With your hands. Hold me still. Make me choke just a little. Push down hard, and don’t let go.”

That last line catches on something, and I know this isn’t about the sex. Something is on Robin’s mind tonight. The force of it is what really carries the appeal for them, the tight embrace and relief. I know they must be hurting, trying to transform the ache of worry into sharpness, a momentary sting and then a sigh. They want to be held as tightly as possible, broken in to allow them to feel more freely. This, I understand. We live in pain in different ways, but it feels so good to convert it into the type of pain we can both understand.

I sneak my unoccupied hand over her shoulder, winding my fingers back in her mouth. She shivers. I can tell she wants to speak, but she likes having her mouth fucked by my hands too much to interrupt yet.

Robin squirms underneath me, steaming up underneath our covers. They shift their shoulders side to side, testing just how trapped they are. They don’t budge much. They moan hard against my fingers and the realization that they are at my mercy.

“Cant break free, huh, baby boy?” I move my hands to allow a response.

“No, sir.” Shes reveling in this, smiling into the cushions of our couch.

I almost laugh. “All that gratitude, for this?” I push down on their pinned hands, insisting my ownership. I click my tongue. “Such a whore.”

Robin wriggles underneath me and whines. I resume my movement in their mouth, pushing deeper down their throat and swirling my two fingers in possessive patterns. I’m tracing over her lips, her tongue, her teeth, well and truly fucking her mouth. While I’m at it, I crank my grip of their arms upwards, pushing how far they can take. They try to speak around my fingers, but I’m feeling devilish. I speed them up. The words come out as messy chokes and moans.

“What was that?”

I keep pounding as they whine in protest. I add a third finger, curling it against their tongue. It’s starting to sound properly dirty, how I like, and Robin’s pretty hums and sighs are only adding to it. They try to repeat themselves, but fail again.

“Didn’t anybody ever teach you not to talk with your mouth full? God, It’s like you WANT to be punished tonight.”

They mumble something into my spit-slicked fingers. I pull my hand out of her mouth.

“Go on, baby.”

Robin gets timid, pressing their face into the sofa before blurting out their desire.

“Punish me, sir.”

Fuuuck. I want to. My ibuprofen hasn’t kicked in as quick as I’d hoped, but I can still throw my boy around enough for the next thirty minutes. Maybe after dinner I’ll be up to the challenges, and I can well and truly break her in.

I move the hand that was fucking her mouth to the back of her head and push down. She’s buried facedown on the couch now, keening softly. I carefully set up on my hips, testing to see how much I can realistically thrust. It’s not gonna work. My shoulders aren’t in shape for a proper spanking, either. Luckily the focus is on their mouth, and I have a pretty good solution.

“Pretty boy.”

She hums in response, like it’s her name. I let her up.

“Yes, sir?” Shes still pinned down by my legs, but turns over her shoulder to face me. I get a good look at them, seeing how full and flushed her lips got from being fucked. Her eyes are a little watery, too. I wish I’d kept going, I barely got started.

“Go to our room,” I trace a finger under her chin. “And pick which cock you want me to fuck you with.”

They shiver. They’re about to give me my ‘yes sir’, but they hesitate.

“Uh, what do you… um. Where do you mean, sir?”

Ah. Sometimes Robin gets shy about actually taking my cock in certain ways. Shes not stone in the same way I am, she sometimes enjoys taking it vaginally so long as we’re careful. She’s very sweet and obedient, but I get the sense tonight might need to be a different speed.

“Your mouth, honey. You’re gonna get yourself off tonight.”

She whines, not suspecting that.

“Noooo!” they whine and thrash around a little. It’s so cute.

“Oh, come on, baby boy. I know you’re desperate enough. You asked to be punished, too. Maybe I shouldn’t let you cum at all.”

“N-no, because-“ Robin tries to push up from the couch, but I shove a firm hand at the base of her shoulders. They grumble indignantly, enjoying the force but bitter at being denied. “The butch in the video got to cum.”

I laugh, quiet. “You and your videos.” I bend over to kiss them on the wrist. It’s their favorite, they say it makes them feel taken care of. Robin sighs.

“Please, sir. I’ll be so good for you.”

I kiss again.

“I’m sure you will.” I slap her ass over the boxers, and I feel her hips jerk into my thigh. With that, I let Robin up. “Go. Fetch.”

It’s all a little humiliating for them with commands like that, but I happen to have it on good authority that Robin likes to be told what to do. Especially in degrading tones. They hurry out.

I test my movement in my hip socket again, wiping off my wet fingers from fucking their mouth. I don’t normally ‘push through’ the pain for my work or my family, but I don’t mind the burning feeling when it comes with benefits. When I wake up tomorrow, it will be a different kind of ache, and I’ll have them in my arms.

Robin returns, shaking gently. At first I think it’s a shiver, then I realize it maybe is nerves, once I get a good long look at the strap she picked out. I have four, of various sizes and materials. The one they’ve picked out is a beautiful custom piece, marbled silicone with striped and bands of gold that look like veins. It’s the largest by far. I got it for a small fortune off an custom seller last year, and havent been using it much since, unfortunately. It was just a little too big to play with for Robin, so it’s mostly been a showpiece. That said, Robin sucks cock very well. Even if they can’t take my biggest size, they clearly want to suck it. In their other hand, I see they picked out my harness and bullet vibe.

“What are those for?”

Robin stiffens in embarrassment. “U-um, I thought maybe… I’d be sucking you off while kneeling?”

I grin smugly. “Is that what you thought?”

She nods.

“Why don’t you kneel, then?”

They drop, almost alarmingly, to the floor. They extend the toys to me. I smile a little, and muss their hair, which they lean into. I can feel the tips of her ears getting cold when I play with her hair, so I hurry and throw the duvet over them.

“Get comfortable. I don’t want you kneeling with bare knees on the hardwood. It’s too cold today, anyways.”

They smile wistfully.

“Hm.”

“Hmm?”

The rest their chin on my knee. “You love me.”

I pause. Robin has an instinct for keeping me on my toes.

“How you figure?”

“Earlier. You said ‘our room.’ You called it our room.”

Goddamn it. They’ve got me there. I didn’t even realize I had said it. Technically this is just my apartment, but it might as well be our room.

I lean in and kiss them gently. They lean forward, letting me kiss deeper, tasting how hot and wet I made their mouth when I was playing with it. I cradle her head in my hand, and break just as gentle as we started.

My eyes flick between their mouth and eyes. She’s got deep dark eyes cover me entirely in every glance, and they make me so warm I don’t even notice the chill in the room. She grabs my wrist to keep it at her cheek, and leans into the warmth of my palm. And I hate to admit it, but I’ve been caught in the act of having this feeling, haven’t I?

“Huh.” I right myself, clearing my throat. “Still fucking your mouth.”

She shines, looking up and in adoration. “You better. I want you to go hard, too.”

“Well, when you ask so nicely.” I kiss them again. “Let me get it on, then.”

I shift to the side, enough to pull the harness briefs over my sweats. The spandex is a little tight, but I manage to tug them over myself without much trouble from my bad hip. Robin scoots over to me with the duvet under their knees when I’m situated. I pop the strap into the harness with some effort, since the standard O-ring isn’t really suited for something so big. She’s gleefully watching me struggle with it, knowing just how big it’s going to feel slipping down her throat.

Once everything is in place, she wastes no time. They didn’t bring any lube out, but their mouth is wet enough from earlier that my cock is dripping with their spit with just the head in their mouth.

“Fuck,” I mutter.

She bobs her head down tentatively and gently moans. The duvet wraps around their body, leaving the tops of their shoulders and neck visible to me. I particularly enjoy this view, leaving enough skin for me to sweep my first two fingers over their shoulders as they suck. The sound of her reaction is sweet, a deep sigh of contentment. I like to touch her softly, almost too softly, and watch her jump and squirm under the feeling. She shudders forward a few inches down my cock, and I hear a stifled choke. That’s what I’m looking for.

Since they got that haircut there isn’t a lot to pull on anymore, but I place my palm around their neck, trapping the curve of their chin between my thumb and pointer finger. I squeeze slightly, feeling Robin’s hot pulse on my palm.

She moans hard, and I remember after the fact that Robin is into choking. She pauses, eager to see if I’ll continue. I don’t choke her, at least not right now. Instead, I nudge the back of their head down my cock further. Just there, I can feel the beginning of a bulge in her throat. Robin registers what I’m doing and I see the embarrassment and arousal dawn over their face, savoring it along with the feeling. She bobs her head on it some more, starting to test just how far she can take. Every so often, they look up at me, pleading for something with big teary eyes and a dirty moan.

I’m starting to get into it , especially once Robin starts massaging my inner thighs with her hands. She knows not to get too close with her touch, and centers her attention where she knows it’ll make me hard. It works like a charm; I’m starting to shake under their hands just slightly, enough to test their gag reflex. Like always, they do so well for me, and I let myself go a bit harder.

“You’re so good at this, baby boy.”

I don’t get a verbal response, Robin just drags their nails down my thighs, tilting their head to the side and into my hand. They speed up, wet gagging slipping out of their mouth along with the spit. I notice under the duvet that they’re starting to slide a hand under their briefs, looking up at me for permission.

“Did you want the vibe, or was that for me?”

Robin pops my cock out of her mouth with a rugged pant, and she blinks out a single wobbly tear.

“You, sir. If you want.”

They plunge back down like they need my cock in their mouth, like it feels wrong empty. I slide the bullet vibe under my boxer briefs, trying to click it to life and into the perfect position. I watch her mouth while I do, mirroring her soft circular motions on myself, feeling her mouth without feeling. I involuntarily jerk and moan, which makes her laugh under her breath.

“Something funny?” I squeeze her throat, feeling how the bulge has moved even further down than before. They’re practically deepthroating it.

Robin tries to shake their head as best they can, all obedient and sweet, but it’s too late.

“Speak up, baby.”

Their eyes go wide. I still have them possessively anchored in place, mouth full. I palm the back of her head, shoving her all the way down on the strap. They sputter and moan in deep satisfaction. I know they can take it deep if they stay still, but they asked to be punished and choked and facefucked, so I pull them back up by the hair and shove them again in one continuous motion.

“That’s right. Fucking take it.”

“Mh-“ Robin rubs over my thighs with their thumbs, in a choppy pattern much simpler than earlier. She’s a little preoccupied.

I grasp the back of her neck and speed up the bobbing motions, moaning openly at the slick gagging and choking sounds. They whimper.

“Fuck, baby boy. Just like that.”

I feel them start to slump into me, going slack and letting me set a punishing pace. The weight of their body presses the base of my strap into me, nudging the vibe down hard. It’s the right spot, and it’s just enough to make me cum.

I yank them away so I can watch the spit trail from my cock to her mouth to the floor when I cum. Robin looks at me with glassy eyes and pants gently, and it’s a fucking sight to behold.

“Was I good, sir?”

“Fuck. Come here, baby.”

I pull them up by the scruff of their neck to lie on the couch with me. We scoot in close together under the big duvet, warm and comfortable. I scratch at their prickly shaved head and we both do our best to breathe again until we’re perfectly synced. They tuck their nose into my collarbone and sigh.

“You’re gonna put me to sleep, touching my hair like that.”

“I hope not. Our order should be here any-“

Robin shoots up. “Oh my god, I forgot!”

Dinner was delightful. We watched our favorite show and shared more Rangoon than anybody has any business eating in one sitting. She kissed me on the forehead and I kissed her on the wrists until we fell asleep. When we woke up hours later, the blueness of the full moon on snow had coated the room and ourselves. We rolled together that way a few times more until morning. Robin says it again- “you love me.” And I can’t redirect the intensity of that feeling with jokes or distracting touches; it flows through everything I do. Every unconscious action is an expression of that love, but I decide to express it out loud for good measure.

“Yeah, baby. I do.”

[royalwilmon]

Get to Know Me Tag :)

thank you so so much for tagging me @skibasyndrome <3333333

do you make your bed?

almost never. like, when i wash my sheets, and then never again. cant be bothered!!!

what's your favourite number?

i dont really have one but ive been saying 36 for yearssss. from the glee days. iykyk

what is your job?

im a software tester!!

if you could go back to school, would you?

you couldn't pay me to

can you parallel park?

i mean. technically. i avoid it at all costs and if there is someone behind me witnessing me parallel park i will Fully Panic. but i can do it. mostly.

a job you had that would surprise people?

i worked at dunkin' donuts for three years. which isn't surprising, i live in new england. what does surprise people is when i talk about how much i genuinely loved that job and miss it Every Day

do you think aliens are real?

i guess i definitely think there are other life forms out there. hard to say what they'd be like, though

can you drive a manual car?

nah, i've never tried. don't have much of a reason to!

what's your guilty pleasure?

lmaooooo gut instinct is to say jimmy buffett. my spotify wrapped this year is going to be WILD

tattoos?

not yet! once i find an artist i trust, I'm going to get the comet chandelier

favorite color?

blue! i describe the shade as the darkest shade of blue the sky gets

favorite type of music?

my taste of music is absolutely all over the place, this is nearly an impossible question for me to answer. i have a lot of specific pockets of interest. i love anything that came out of laurel canyon -- really, a lot of 70s music i picked up from my dad. obviously i fuck with showtunes big time. and then lately i have a handful of artists im obsessed with that float somewhere in the indie/pop/jazz/folk world. like, so vague, i just cant say any sorta word that would sum it up. oh, also, omar?? seriously, i'm all over the place

do you like puzzles?

yeah! my sister loves them more than i do so i mostly only do them when I'm hanging out with her

any phobias?

birds!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate them!!!!!!!! im so afraid!!!!!!!!!!! so so so scared!!!!!

favorite childhood sport?

i played softball and basketball as a kid, but like. ehhhhhhhh.

do you talk to yourself?

oh, always. look, i work from home most of the time, and my roommates have very different schedules from mine so im home alone a LOT. i like to keep myself company. i am alwayssss chattering to myself. 100% of the time, just nonsense babble

what movies do you adore?

ohhhhh tricky question. i'll pretend im doing one of those letterboxd interviews and I'll give you my top four. fried green tomatoes (1991), camelot (1967), dirty dancing (1987), and everything everywhere all at once (2022)

coffee or tea?

coffee! like i said, i worked at dunks for three years. I'm one of those maniacs that drinks black coffee. i wish i liked tea, i really do, i just. dont

first thing you wanted to be growing up?

HAHA i don't know if it was the first but the story my mom always tells is how i wanted to be a cake decorator at Walmart. specifically walmart. she would encourage me to aim higher, like. 'why don't you be a cake decorator at the white house or something', but no. walmart. i was probably, like. five.

Onward tagging: idk!!!!!!!! im always late to these!!!!!! @goldenwilmon if you haven't done it yet??

[bunnyb34r]

I think the universe WANTS me to have a breakdown at work honestly

Did the other side of the table's clearance, which was somehow worse?? I think this side had more items honestly. So I moved aaaaall the old Sharter's (even the pjs that the girls say are $8 and boys $6 but I leave the $8 sign up bc I dont want to hear front end whining ab customers asking which one was on sale/why isnt the girls one on sale. The boys will still ring up as $6, itll just be a suprise :) ). Essentially swapped them and the licensed shit but it wasnt a one to one swap bc ofc no one recovered for me overnight so it was pure hell. Someday I'll have to swap the carters onesies and the licensed pjs that are now on the "wrong" side of the table (ideally the baby stuff would be one side and big kids the other but fuck you that's why) put out 4 new items, thankfully they FINALLY got smart and got rid of the stupid way they used to do these boys shirts (cardboard hanger pinned to a cardboard bar) and they're packaged like NORMAL multi pack shirts 😩🙏

Then I was like phew everything is out of the steel except the endcap which I'll do tomorrow... what the fuck is that

Homicidal ForkliftDriver asked me if I wanted these new multi pack leggings. At 7:55am. (: no.

Like son of a BITCH. That means I have ANOTHER fucking item to find room for (on top of the old tshirts I forgot ab when I was moving shit and didnt leave room for so I threw them in a box sgdgdgdgdggdgd) and with my luck like 6 new items bc we were so fucking behind and now everything is coming in at once! AUGH

And ofc the girl who usually recovers my area is either on vacation, quit, or just got equally overwhelmed with my area and bailed like everyone else, bc it was a goddamn mess. I haven't been able to stock the NikeShitë area in daaays let alone recover it and no one else will even try 😭 and it's getting worse by the day and I'm so overwhelmed like I want to cry

I know I'm the one putting this pressure on myself but I take pride in my job and it looks like I cant do my job and not that I need help bc I only work 20hrs a week and I'm the only one doing this area and that I'm getting overwhelmed with pallets and clearance but god I feel like pingu :( *sad noot noots*

[moldy-avocado]

⚠️TW: VENT POST⚠️

im back to that point in my ed i promised id never let myself go again. the point where you know that if you dont do anything youll be dead in a year tops. but everything is so fucked up rn and this is how i cope. i cant lose it, yk? but on the other hand i got to experience what it was like to be a real person for the first time. and i dont know if i can lose that either.

i told my psychiatrist, im not currently at risk. so basically if she thinks its getting bad she can just admit me. i feel bad for using it as a safety net tho. if i have someone whos job is literally to keep me alive, i can get as bad as i want as fast as i want. and if she slips up? oh well, guess ill die. but she wont. shes been doing this for longer than ive been alive. she only works with tRoUbLeD yOuTh so she prolly knows exactly what my thought pattern is. or ive watched to the bone too many times and im expecting my shrink to do wtv the fuck dr keanu reeves was doing.

idk. ill make it. if not for myself, then for a shitty apartment that reeks of depression, student loan debt, and microwave dinners.