long rambling personal about chronic pain under the cut
on thursday's pt session they were having me work with someone different cause my usual was taking time off. he asked if anywhere hurt more during an exercise and i said my knees and he got all serious and had me do a thumb hypermobility stretch and asked if eds runs in my family, if i experience any other joint pain and for how long. i told him 'uh idk' and 'yes all over' and 'as long as i can remember but it's gotten really bad in recent years and i also have nerve pain' and then we just kinda looked at each other. and then he was like '...alright keep going with the exercise, i'm thinking' and at the end when he said goodbye he seemed like sad or guilty and opened the door for me and i didn't realize why at the time because the session had been harder than any of the others but not like insane but OH MY FUCKING GOD has my pain been bad this weekend. it's times like these that i'm glad i live with my family.
and also. i researched eds in more depth and. it's fucking uncanny. how the hell did this not come up when i was researching before because it is like exact and touches on some symptoms i hadn't even considered to be related to my pain. if it's not heds it's probably hsd i guess?? which is
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I will have hours in the day to do whatever but will be shackled by the knowledge I have to be somewhere later and thus cannot lose myself in any task and so I try to find something to do that won't leave me drained before I have to be somewhere and I look around and see I have things I Should be doing but it's all too much and I feel overwhelmed so I end up doing the same shit I did yesterday combined with nothing bc its easier and yet still I'm exhausted by what I Need to do and before I know it ive wasted all the time I had to myself and must go out and do things that leave me more exhausted so that when I get home I'm too tired to actually do the things that need doing let alone the things I want to do.
I have ADHD if that wasn't obvious
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i got hit with a dr bill last night and because ive used my bank account before to pay them they apparently can just take money from that account whenever they want to without warning me. so not only did i not have the money in my checking account for it, but because it was in my savings account my bank charged me a 5 dollar transfer fee on top of the 90 dollars the dr took from me. and that wasnt even the full bill, they plan on taking more at some point (dont know when.) i dont think i have enough money left for it and im afraid to bring it up to my parents cause i feel like they will get mad at me for quitting my job and not being able to pay my bills because of it. in my defense i think i would have killed myself if i didnt get a break from working though and i still dont feel confident in my ability to not succumb to that urge if i get another job
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