#im wired (high) rn

[overgrownthrone]

sparks

[rivernull]

[sanpape]

I got a good pair of earbuds for in the first time in a billion years because I am generally kinda blah about that kinda stuff but oh fuck. Music has never sounded this good. What the fuck.

[corpsebasil]

knight nikolai and his princess again ladies and gents

oh god im sorry for this one in advance

tw// mc death; unaliving references but not explicit

You were so angry it physically hurt to breathe. You'd sat alone with your knees pulled to your chest, hugging yourself, outside for hours, glaring darkly out at the lake on palace grounds while trying to think of nothing. Trying not to think of—no. No, don't think. Don't.

You squeezed your eyes shut until pinpricks formed in the darkness. After what had happened you’d ran almost a mile into the woods before dropping to your hands and knees and screaming so loud you were afraid your vocal chords would break. You'd had another scream burning inside your stomach ever since–ever since—

"Your Highness?" The familiar sound of the knight's voice instantly broke chills out on your skin, your muscles tense as a wire. You didn't look at him as he sat beside you awkwardly on the grass, but the tension was high enough to make you grit your teeth. The fact that he even had the nerve to speak to you was insane. Sir Ronan. That bastard. "I um, I brought you some of his things."

Your eyes slid so slowly to his that his body was as tense as your own when you looked at him. The dark-haired knight swallowed and passed over a small box of random items. You held his gaze for one more lethal moment before peering inside. You could've wretched.

It was all there—the majority of his meager possessions. A ring he always wore on a necklace during crusades; the handkerchief you'd given him as a token to carry during the annual joust and sword-fighting competitions; his favorite book. You sucked in a sharp breath and looked up, your hand pausing on a white-linen shirt in the box. Your fingertips lingered on the fabric; even from there you could still smell the trace scents of his cologne.

"I'm sorry for your loss, princess—" Ronan began but, before he could finish the horrible sentence, your hand flashed out and struck him so hard across the face your palm stung.

He lurched to the side from the blow, eyes wide when he met your own.

"You're a liar." You seethed and he flinched. "You're a liar and a gods-damned traitor and I hate you. It should be you that's dead!"

His face flushed and he nodded, expression pained.

"I tried to stop it, but—I mean, this morning I—”

"You think if I couldn't have stopped it then you could have? I'm the fucking princess of Ravka."

"Your highness please, he–he was covering for me, he—Saints, I'd fucked up and I couldn't stop him from—”

"Get away from me."

"Princess—”

"Get away. Nikolai is dead. He's dead and it's your fucking fault get away from me!"

You could've stabbed him and Ronan would've felt better. Like the coward that he was his own eyes filled with tears in the face of your fury. He stood and left, leaving you alone to press Sir Nikolai's shirt to your face, the fabric muffling the loud, horrible sobs that left your broken body.

-

That morning was when it had happened. You'd been woken in a rush by a flurry of distraught handmaidens, their expressions weak and agonized. One was even crying and, when they helped you get dressed, you were too afraid to ask why.

You’d found out exactly why when you were escorted outside by two strange knights that were familiar but not on a name-to-name basis. You leaned towards one of your ladies to ask, "Where's Sir Nikolai?", but she only shook her head, a strangled noise leaving her mouth before she excused herself.

After that you were mute, only able to walk in petrified silence as your mind dredged up every possible reason why he was absent. You hadn't seen him for a week since he'd left on a mission but he'd greeted you briefly last night, saying he had a meeting. But not before covering your face in kisses, offering you the chocolates he'd brought back, and then worshipping every inch of your body until you felt light-headed.

wait author's note I need a break I'm hurting myself rn

"I love you." He'd whispered before he left, pressing a soft, heavenly kiss to your mouth. His brow was furrowed as if in concentration, his hands framing your face."I'll always love you, my princess. Always."

Now as you stepped outside every possible scenario left your brain in an instant. You sucked in a breath that sounded like a yelp before you raced forward.

The knights weren't fast enough to grab you in time before you were hurtling towards the raised wooden platform in the square. The platform only used for public executions. The platform where Sir Nikolai stood, hands tied, his expression stoic as he stared ahead. But when he caught sight of you streaking through the forming crowd his expression turned stricken.

'No.' He mouthed at you, shaking his head. His eyes were pleading; he wanted to be strong in these last moments if he could. He couldn't bear to see your face. 'No, princess.'

"No!" You practically shrieked back, then gasped when a strong arm looped around your middle and held you back from running up the platform. If you could just get to him, if you could just get to him then—

"Your Highness, stop." A rough male voice intoned and you sagged; Sir Dominik. Nikolai's right-hand man and closest friend. "Let him have his dignity."

"Damn his dignity—Nikolai!" But now people in the crowd were murmuring in confusion and shock; why was the princess screaming for this knight to be spared? "Dominik, please, what's—?"

"I'll explain later. Right now," his voice was near silent as he held you, back against his chest, more of a straitjacket than a comfort. "now, you need to just—just compose yourself. Nothing can be done." When you started to babble in protest again he squeezed you tighter. “Nothing.”

You were crying so fast and hard it was difficult to see, but you could see the executioner as he approached the platform. Nikolai visibly tensed, his throat bobbing on a deep swallow as the noose was brought. You barely suppressed a wail of grief when the executioner read off the charges: treason, murder, and insubordination. You couldn't believe it. This wasn't real.

But when the drumroll began you felt wild; you stared at Nikolai, chest heaving, as he blinked three times at you in rapid succession. 'I love you.' It was code for when you couldn't say it in public. Always three: three taps on the shoulder, out of sight. Three squeezes of the hand if he could sneak it. The gesture was so agonizing to witness that you barely managed to blink back before Dominik suddenly twisted you hard, the both of you whirling to face the opposite direction.

He wasn’t going to let you watch.

Your cry of shock and terror could not be heard over the drop of the trapdoor.

-

That was what had led to now. Allegedly, during combat, a few innocents had been killed in the confusion. They hadn't been told to take the route they had, but the knights complained of being hungry and tired so Sir Nikolai had relented. And when Sir Ronan, the newest recruit, had fucked up by misfiring, he knew that his life was forfeit. Killing Ravkans wasn't excusable. He'd babbled and panicked and finally, finally, Nikolai had grabbed him by the shoulders and told him to shut up. Just shut up. The boy was only eighteen, for Saint's sakes. He had to calm him down.

"During the meeting last night,” Dominik told you in a very hushed voice. "there was confusion on who had misfired. Every knight was asked but the general consensus was that it was either Nikolai or, most likely, Ronan. Everyone knows Nikolai's aim is flawless. But Ronan couldn't speak up, the bloody coward." Dominik shook his head angrily. "I could kill him. He didn't speak up so Nik stepped forward, damn him."

Dominik stood and began to pace around your room while you watched from the floor, back against the foot of your bed. It felt like the ground was opening up beneath you. He paused and, taking a deep, shaky breath, clenched his hands into fists before continuing.

"Nik said it was—” Dominik's voice cracked and your heart broke further. "he said it was him. That he'd take full responsibility and understood the punishment he—” Dominik ran a hand over his eyes. "I'm supposed to be Captain, now. I don't even bloody want the position. Not like this."

You licked your lips and opened your mouth but nothing came out. There were no words left. No air left in the world. When you let out a whimper, then a gasping sob, Dominik raced over and crouched beside you, tugging you into his arms.

"He loved you." Dominik whispered quietly, rocking you back and forth. "I promise he did. He's waiting for you up there, you know?"

You pulled away and looked at him slowly, then forced a small, blank smile.

im sorry but for next bit. all I can think of is that painting of Ophelia.

The next morning at dawn, Dominik found you. He found you laying on the shore of the lake, soaking wet, your skin pale and lips blue. He let out a cry and tugged you up against his chest, his tremendous grief on losing Nikolai now doubled by the loss of you, too.

oops

[folklorebae]

𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐦 𝐀𝐔 - 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬

𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟐 𝐅𝐢𝐜

Cast(s): Actress!Reader & Actor!Suna Rintarou

Warning(s): Swearing, slut-shaming, reader is using she/her pronouns, slight semi x reader

A/n: I recommend you to read my drabble first. But this could be read separately

Liked by sydney_sweeney and 5,946,073 others

yourinstagram un cappucino s'il vous plaît

tagged: @bellahadid

View all 28,745 comments

bellahadid Love you, ma fée🧚‍♀️

Liked by yourinstagram

rintarousuna Me after downloading duolingo

↳yourinstagram 😀😁😐🤔

↳ynfan1 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THEM!

ynfan2 SHUT UPPP. THIS WHOLE WEEKEND YOU'VE BEEN SLAYING😩❤️‍🔥

yn.sassy Another day, another slay

↳ynln.xo Perioddd

7,659 likes

itsunadaily WIRED Interview ft. Rin and Y/N is out now!

View all 214 comments

sunafan1 PLS PLS PLS THEY'RE SO FUCKING ADORABLE

↳sunafan2 IKR

ynfan3 Okay okay, I'm curious. WHO IS Y/N'S S/O?

↳ynfan1 I think it's clear that there's something between them

↳ynfan3 I thought Rin has a gf? I mean, that mysterious girl?

ynfan4 I NEED TO SEE THESE TWO AGAIN! CANT WAIT FOR THE SEASON 2😩

Liked by atsumumiya and 4,825,948 others

rintarousuna Thanks @wonderland and everyone who played a part⚡️🖤

Order now.

View all 22,864 comments

yourinstagram Damn boy, can I get your number?

↳rintarousuna I'm taken, sorry

↳ln.dailyyy Atp I don't believe you guys are just friends

aquariusuna JAW ON THE FLOOR

sunafan3 RINTAROU SUNA THE MAN THAT YOU ARE

netflix [CAR CRASH] [GLASS SHATTERING] 'GOOD LORD!' [GENERAL COMMOTION] [BABY CRYING] 'WAAAAH WAAAH' [YELLING] [POLICE SIRENS] WEEWOO WEEWOO [HELICOPTERS] 'WE'RE REPORTING LIVE-' [EXPLOSION] 'MY LEG... MY LEG...' [DOGS BARKING] ARFFF ARFFF 'OH MY GOD MY CHILD!!!' [CRASHING BUILDING] 'MY FUCKING HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!!'

↳ynfan5 Bro... you good?😭

↳ynsangel I believe this is an easter egg for season 2

11,736 likes

rintarouflorals RUMOR (via deuxmoi): Rin was seen with Y/N in Paris

P.s I beg all of you to not believe everything you read on the internet. Please keep the comments respectful, thank you.

View all 753 comments

sunafan4 Isn't it obvious that they're more than friends?

↳sunafan5 Maybe, but I think people should leave them alone and mind their own business lol💀

sunafan6 I will never trust that stupid gossip page

sunafan7 Idk bout you all, but Rin and Y/N don't make any sense

↳ynfan6 FINALLY. Someone say this! They don't give any romance energy imo

21,858

florenceflorals Florence via instagram story!

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florencefan1 OKAY BUT Y/N IS IN FRANCE RN?!? I WANT TO MEET HER

↳ynfan7 She has been in paris for a week😭 That ig story is from yesterday

↳florencefan1 WHA–😭

florencefan2 Are we going to see Ms. Flo and Y/N work for the same project again👀

↳florenceflorals 🕯manifesting🕯

florencefan3 Y/N and her are together. Those people who ship Y/N with Eita or Rin could go😍

ynflorals I LOVE THEM SM OMG😭❤️

Liked by privyn and 31,837 others

rintarousuna.com RINTAROU FUCKING SUNA VIA IG STORY

P.s GOODBYE Y'ALL IM DEAD RN. THIS ACCOUNT IS NO LONGER ACTIVE

View all 3,846 comments

privyn My bf is hotter than hell

↳sunafan8 Girl, he's OUR bf

↳privsuna lmao

sunafan9 Oh God... Idk how many people died because his whore behavior

ynfan8 FUCKKKK I JUST ORDERED HIS MAGAZINE AFTER THE WEBSITE IS GOING DOWN FOR AN HOUR AND NOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS THE AUDACITY TO BE THIS HOT

ynfan9 @yourinstagram, ISTG you're the loml. But babe, I am this close 🤏 to steal your man

sunafan10 WHY THIS PIC IS TAKING ME BACK TO THAT VIDEO EDIT WITH "WHY'D YOU ONLY CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE HIGH" AS A BACKSOUND?!?!

37,975 likes

enews The fans have been speculating about L/N and Semi's relationship for months. But after attending his concert last night in Paris, the "I Know Places" star was seen having dinner at César Paris with co-star Rintarou Suna. Click the link in bio for more👀 (📷: Instagram/Getty)

View all 535 comments

ynfan10 You guys need to stfu and get a life. Leave my girl alone

↳ antiyn1 Your fav is a hoe, just admit it lmao

↳ ynfan10 "TPWK🌸" in your bio is bs. Your fav is ashamed of you lmao

semifan1 Ok but imagine being that pretty and people make rumors between you and these two fine men🥲

privsemi Wtf is wrong with these people💀 @privyn

↳privyn Apparently netizens can't see a woman supporting her male friend😍

sunafan11 Rin ily, but you and Mr. Rockstar need to leave and let me be with Y/N

44,748 likes

lnandsuna.media “I don't think I owe anyone an explanation about it (his romantic relationship). For now, both of us have agreed to keep our relationship out of the public eye and as long as we're happy, it doesn't matter what strangers think about us.” — Rintarou Suna for Wonderwall, 2022

View all 3,639 comments

ynfan11 Um... where is this coming from?😭

↳lnandsuna.media papz took some pics of him with his girlfriend kissing in the alley earlier this year

↳ynfan11 OH YEAH SHIT. I JUST REMEMBERED. THANK GOD WE CANT SEE THE GIRL'S FACE.

sunafan12 Even deep down I wanna know his girlfriend's face, these paps should leave them alone omfg.

sunafan13 I feel so sorry for him, he deserves better:(

ynfan12 Paps need to chill omg. What if that girl isn't a celebrity and suddenly everyone in her life knows that she's dating a famous actor?

↳sunafan14 That girl is a public figure (my aunt used to work for her stylist) and everyone around her knows her bf

↳ynfan12 So what if she's a public figure? She deserves a privacy

↳sunafan14 I didn't say she didn't deserve privacy. I just said that she's a public figure

Another a/n: I'll do a part 2! (If you wanna be tagged lmk) Stay tuned mwah<33

[xamaxenta]

YOU JUST ..... DID SOMETHING TO ME... WITH MECHA PSYCH HORROR ACE AT MARINEFORD........ WARNING FOR DEATH AND GRAPHIC MECH VIOLENCE/GORE BUT what if the whitebeards brought ace his mech when they rescued him and he was in his mech when he died..........the systems shutting down the lights flashing red the reactor is overheating where akainu has blasted through the metal, its still glowing red and dripping off and warping with how high the temperature is. ace is literally cooking alive in the cockpit with this screaming 100 ton machine wired into his brain (its heavier than anything anyone should be able to move in that state, it shouldnt move at all--) but his big red flame-painted mech still somehow takes three steps forward and hugs luffys shitty slapdash pieced together mech because thats the closest he will ever get to him again, still too many inches of metal too far to hug him for real, but he HAS to because he is going to die here with this machine. its pumping boiling chemicals and gasoline from ruptured fuel lines into his veins and hes punctured by the metal and his skin is on fire but it was made by people who loved him so he could protect what HE loved and hes glad to die hooked into the sparking computer because at least he isnt alone. he never has to be alone again. im crying in the club rn bro

You understand me 🥰 im crying but with tears of joy this is scrumptious so delicious

The gore factor of literally everything going wrong his brain fizzling out, his actual physical body dying with the mech, the flames the smoke the acrid smell of chemicals and metal warping in crushing its like a hug really he cant leave even if he wanted to

Its great mecha psych horror with terrible consequences is my fave

[honeybyte]

So I know that you love to talk about your OCs. So I had a question about OCs in general and figured I'd ask. I have two little guys rn, they've existed for a few months now. I am currently obsessed with them in a way I haven't been able to achieve with my other attempts. But when I drew them it was just a silly attempt to make characters loosely related to some fan art that was so far from canon it had become something else. And now I have these two characters Soliel and Amaris (I suck at naming things😭) but they're evolving. So now I'm kinda redesigning them? Their outfits and proportions really as again they were made on a 2 am whim. So here I ask:have you ever changed one of your characters designs? Like a full on reboot kinda thing? A more gradual change perhaps? Have all your amazing sixty some characters stayed fairly similar since conception? I'm curious as to how your creative process works in this regard as I don't see many artists talk about changing characters and I feel like I'm never satisfied with what I make.

P.s. I really enjoy your art and I'm sorry I don't have enough energy to show it as often as I want

OOH okay so 1) im so happy that you finally found some lil guys to be obsessed w ! its a lot harder than people think to design smth you're really passionate abt (and even harder to name them, you picked good names!)

2) i absolutely have changed every oc i have roughly a dozen times

some just evolve that way -- the more developed they get, the more tweaking gets done so that something makes sense or their story affects them a certain way and now they have a new scar they didnt have before (super small example). stuff like that. i have ocs that i built, retired, and dragged back out of retirement to redesign or tweak in some way. i have ocs who look completely different from how they were originally.

i think Agnes is my best example of ocs that have completely changed as they evolved. she was originally a political mercenary and goliath's keeper. now she's a sweet academic

Lovelace is another good one! the tweak looks less drastic but she went from a self-love cupid to a robot

ultimately, what it comes down to is this: am i interested in what im making? is it something that makes me really think abt what it is that im doing, do i wanna draw for it in the first place? if the answer is a resounding "no" and stays that way, i usually retire the character, if not the whole verse.

Lovelace as a cupid didnt interest me at all, so she disappeared within days of her creation BUT. when i wanted to add another character to red heron (Yuma, another retired design), Lovelace went with him. Yuma was already a robot, but redesigning Lovelace? now that was interesting to me. esp bc i was obsessed w Killbot! by chloe moriondo at the time, i had this image of Lovelace w faulty wiring. the idea that she was a sweet little girl who's tampered w and turned violent really gripped me long enough to make her a lasting character in red heron, along w Yuma.

tldr; i change and retire and reboot ocs all the time. it's not abt getting it perfect, it's abt what interests you, and if your interest in that character is high enough, they'll usually adapt to what it is that you're creating. overall, have fun with your creations! they'll follow you longer if you do

[holyshit]

my adrenaline is like super high rn and im in bed dhdjsksk

GOD I KNOW i'm gonna be wired all night which is absurd since i am literally just. in my house lol

[cosmicallyavg]

I got a loaded question.

What’s your fave imagine dragons song? Just one like the top most listened to. And what is your fave album?

To be fair I’ll answer first. This question was tough for so long but as I grew like their music did it became simple.

Cha-Ching is my fave song. Smoke and Mirrors is my fav album.

aaaa this is such a hard question but selene is my most listened to song of theirs on spotify and it's probably my favorite overall?? like honestly i have probably 10 or so songs of theirs that are tied for my favorite but selene just hits different 😩🤌 like ?? "resolutions and lovers in the kitchen"????? "love is clueless and destiny is wishing"????????? beautiful lyricism and its just such a happy upbeat song ahjfhkjd i love it sm.... and most people dont know of it? like a lot of their popular/widely known songs are high on my ranking list but if i say theyre my favorite then i feel like a fake fan hjgjhfjgfj 

tiptoe is up there at a close second though i think... and summer,..... and a lot of others.... like i said i really cant choose just one

as for favorite album??? thats so hard to say.. my instinct answer is night visions just bc of the nostalgia of it all?? like every album has its bangers and its mids and its (unfortunate) skips but overall NV just has such a specific vibe that i love so dearly that sets it apart form the rest like it reminds me of being 12 and finding this new cool band to listen to and playing their songs that i illegally downloaded on my silly little phone with wire earbuds in the car and finally having music i felt a real connection with

cha-ching is a song that i used to not be a huge fan of? like ig i just never gave it a proper chance? but recently idk whats happened but i listen to it more than any other song of theirs rn?? like i didnt realize how much i liked it so now im overplaying it lmao i just love the "staring as the stars parade, are they telling me it's gonna be okay?" lyric so much and its so fun to sing with the "ah-ah ah ah-ah, what is with you? ive never seen this side of youuuuuuuuuuuuu" part dkhfjhfkj

smoke and mirrors is so good i love the overall theme of it so much djkfhkjsfh like the joy of the beginning of their journey is over now its time to face the fear that comes with realizing youre making the journey alone? leaving behind everything you knew? letting everyone down who wanted you to follow a different path? "things will change with time, only in summertime" and "im ready for the fall, ready for everything that i believed in to drift away"????? uhghgkjdfhglkzfgj it just has more mids than NV to me so i dont think i can say its my favorite unfortunately

i actually did rank all of their songs on tiermaker not that long ago which i know i posted on here but i think ive moved some stuff around since then (its a constant work in progress lmao)

[ranger-kellyn]

just gonna liveblog all my thoughts about this pokeani ep and then post all at once just so i'm not like. annoying anyone lmao

(also sorry i'm high rn and so like. all my emotions are 20x lmaooo)

-i feel Physically Sick going into this. My heart. is racing. why am i like this

-cyNTHISA

-CYNTHIA

-damn babe good hair look

-b a b y cynthia 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 -and baby gible 😭🖤

--god fucking damnit im anxious again. if she loses 6-0 i'm. gonna bite someone.

^^R U. GODDAMN. FUCKING. SHITTING ME. 1- FUCK U FOR NOT LETTING US SEE HER TYRANTRUM AND HAWLUCHA 2- FUCKKKKK OFFFFFFF

-goodra....losing................im gonna. commit a crime.

-if gardevoir.....loses.....to goddamn rillaboom.........

-okay small glimpse of diantha's other pokemon, but like.......

-thank FUCK rillaboom didn't take gardevoir down too.

-hold up............why. charizard.

-screaming crying throwing up mom come get me i fucking hate it here. the beat slaps but it fucking hate it here.

YEWAH BITCH FUCKING SEND IT BACK IN HIS FUCKING FACE AT LEAST IT LOOKED FUCKING BADASS

-ugh god fuck off once more.

-6-2 i'm gonna fucking throw up. yeah yeah undefeatable AnD humble. god he's got it all right???????

anyways. gorgeous battle animation wise. as much as i hate dmax charizard, looks gorgeous. -but...ugh. to go from a down to the wire match from diantha v lance, where it was shown she's a very strategic battler to an overwhelming loss-- feelsbadman.png

-im gonna write so much phaesporia fic that i'll forget this battle ever even happened

[cydie]

I disconnect from my emotions as a protective measure when I feel unsafe

I sit in disbelief when I can't understand the hurtful actions that have happened

I wonder to myself if it was only good for a little bit and it was short lived

I feel the creeping dread of knowing it was a false safety all along, and how stupid of me to let myself trust it

I feel surprise every time there's a different outcome

I feel the guard gates give

I feel sections of my emotions that hit me unanticipated, ones I wasn't able to prepare for

I feel relief to know I was wrong, that he knows it was wrong

> 11am-12:30 21/04/24

1:48pm continuing on//

i woke up at 10, knowing he said 11

wen to the toilet thought aboutast night

lacking coherent feelings for it but wondering if I should currently have some

11 alarm I was back in bed I went back to slep bc i tired

woke up a minute b4 11?? why idk am I feeling too wired from last night to feel safe enough to sleep ???? or is my body so accustomed to a slep schedule that it's not letting me or is my inner guilt of sleeping the day away stopping me from sleeping in and has that been exacerbated by the fact that I know if I let it happen it will steamroll and spiral and he won't have the willingness to fix it??

anyway wow derailed

11am alarm go off he up at 11:06 he roll over to touch me smilex

im glad he's not mad but he keeps going back to sleep but then he said I have 15min timer if I fall back

which also wowee new thing he wouldn't have done that b4 so tangible effort is visible

anyway he gets up and goes to kitchen and half hour later I see he on floor sleeping

Oh ok I was misled

I go wake him and remind him he said 11

he told me to stop and that he didn't expect an alarm to go off at 8am and 10am

i don't focus on this bc I know he's sleepy and defensive so I need to chill before I lash out but I still bank it bc it hurt

I clean out the coffee machine bc I know I need the caffeine

I think about how he would be able to force himself to get up if it was work and how I don't seem to hold the same importance which speaks to how I'm constantly being made to feel inferior to everyone bc he sees me as lower and treats me with less respect bc he respects me less bc he thinks less of me

he eventually sits up

and I finish cleaning and go over and sit with him

he nicely says hi and apologises for being grumpy earlier

i say are you still mad

he says I wasn't mad

I say you were bc u said something defensive u said I'm not the one that had an 8am and 10am alarm

he says no I said j didn't anticipate that I would be woken up at 8am and 10am bc I figured you would have turned them off --- making the reason why I'm hurt rn my fault ---- deflecting, but maybe he knows he fucked up and is already trying to justify it

I said I didn't think to turn them off you didn't explicitly tell me to -- so we both forgot but it's my fault why --- you didn't anticipate being woken up at 8 and 10 but I didn't anticipate being emotionally chewed up and spit out last night we are not the same

I shut down my emotions because I'm protecting myself and you think that's manipulation. i shut off my emotions and replace them with narrowed eyes, suspicion, and scrutiny as I try to understand what I'm seeing in front of me because ((putting someone through these levels of extreme emotion and high ups and low downs is insanely emotionally manipulative and these extremes would derail any person's grasp of sanity making them feel crazy and question their reality)) because very faintly i wonder at 2% what if he's is actually manipulating me?? and i dont see it??))

and for some reason if i don't show a very clear and vulnerable response and i put my guard up instead, you think im malicious BECAUSE you have an overactive risk sense. you look for reasons to confirm your fears and you don't challenge them nearly enough which makes you more dangerous than you think i am bc you are more likely to give in to the feeling of the moment rather than the facts of the matter

so I have to consistently be vulnerable so that you can trust me enough to not be a heartless cold being who thinks he needs to use an umbrella when it's not raining

when i have the same level of fear of being vulnerable yet i am constantly having to push down and dismiss my own feelings, and trust you without reason to

when do you take the same risks as me? or do you feel so inferior and defective to me that you need to push me down to feel level?

----++ continuing from I said "you knew about my alarms and they've been happening for the last 2 years "

you said "figured you would've turned them off when we agreed 11"

i said "i didn't think of it, nor did you" if you knew interrupted sleep bothered you so much you should have anticipated this risk and said this

if I wanted to be overly considerate and "read your mind" which I am often doing and anticipating your needs for you, I would know to turn off my alarms because I would know that my alarms may bother you. and prior to this relationship, this is a consideration and care that I would have taken. in this relationship I have learnt that I must undo my next level hyper vigilance and need anticipation because you won't do the same and the more I do this and not get it in return is damaging my image of you

so i didn't do it either, both of us having the knowledge that I have 2 alarms

taking into even 30% account the aggressively unsafe past conversation it's reasonable for me not to be my normal level of overly considerate a standard to which i held myself to that I M in the process of undoing bc I have little to give and must manage my resources more efficiently

you paused and said 'i think I said that because of feelings I have underneath" or something to that effect

I did not understand the sentence specifically because the sentence used "feeling" instead of "other feelings" and this is the loudest thing I remember as to why I said "what" and you had to repeat what you said

you repeated "I think I said that because of other feelings inside of me"

and I said "what feelings"

you said "resentment"

and yesterday you gave me a wound where you accused me of something outrageously baseless and heartless

and I automatically also thought resentment bc I predicted that you would have been annoyed that you had to be awake and blamed me for it and then found something else to blame for your difficulties in waking up by pointing out that my alarms interrupted your sleep so your difficulties is my fault

I said "I also thought that" and something else I can't remember

and you said "I don't want to get into anything right now"

I said "I didn't ask you to" bc I didn't open the conversation up for it

you got defensive and said "yes you did" because literally i did but as a response

you started the fire but because i added to it thinking that you wanted the fire because you started it, you said that i started the fire because you only suggested a fire and i lit it

you opened the conversation(fire) by saying something that naturally prompts more questions

i asked these questions and instead of making it clear then that you weren't asking for a conversation, you responded and said something that would be hurtful (and you probably weren't even considering it because you went "I'm just innocently saying how I feel" even though deep down I'm well aware if my partner told me she resented me I would also be hurt)

so from my POV you've opened a conversation, I asked, you attacked me by telling me you resent me , and then when i tried to understand it you put up a wall and pushed me away

and when i pointed out that you were creating distance, you deflected that back on me and said that you had to create distance because i was pushing so that was my fault

and if I examine this and think about it deeply, you probably 1. realised what you said about the alarms was defensive, and said that you said that in response to an inner feeling realising it was wrong 2. voiced your negatively biased thoughts out loud without any consideration for how the words would be received 3. reactively got annoyed because you were asked to think about it and you didn't want to think about something negative about yourself bc that confirms your defectiveness wound so you lashed out at me instead, saying it's my fault you're feeling uncomfortable things

at the end of the day it's 2:58pm and you said 11am but you've done nothing to make that possible and blamed me for you not being able to 👍

[iressails]

hi there!!! I’m your content creator secret santa 🤫🎄 how are you?? do you have anything you’re looking forward to this (holiday) season?

I’ve checked out your blog to see what kinds of things you enjoy, but I’d love to hear from you directly 😊

what are some of your favorite shows and movies? who are your favorite characters? ships? do you have any particularly favored music artists lately? maybe specific songs? maybe you even have some favorite books you’d like to share! what about favorite colors?

is there anything you absolutely DON’T want? lol just in case 😅

I hope you have a great rest of your week!

HII!!! I have been preparing for this question for a couple of days and right now immediately I've forgotten everything I know and like, and have ever liked.

[Pause to review my blog and get my thoughts in order]

i love red, green and orange. all the traffic lights baby!

Im looking forward to the holidays it's been... a year.

My ship (just the one rn *sob): I'm currently in Homicide: Life on the Street (1993 - 2000) hell. I love Frank Pembleton and Tim Bayliss with my whole heart, but a 30 year old show and 65 year old men are a bit of a hard ask even from a kind Santa. Bayliss was my first canon bi character on TV and I've not been right since.

Update: Earlier in the year I was heavily into Joanne Davidson/Kate Fleming from Line of Duty (2012 - 2021) until I was gratified by this fic: Bleed into me by Authorette and somehow never thought of it again.

(Yeah not sure about the non-canon (but one half queer in canon) unhappy ending cop duos being my shipping highlight of the year)

Movies: I love Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001), Pride (2014), Barber (2023), Gattaca (1997), Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (1997), Trust (1990)

Shows: Bob and Rose (2001), Homicide ..(ahahaha) Trust me (2017), Borderliner / Grenseland (2017)

People: I think Rebecca Ferguson, Raul Esparza, Hunter Schaefer, Lesley Sharp, Ethan Hawke, Carla Gugino, Laura Main, Brain Molko, Emma D'Arcy, Vanessa Kirby, Katie McGrath, Caity Lotz, Toby Stephens, Adrienne Shelly, Alexander Skarsgard, Patricia Arquette, Emerald Fennell and David Harbour are just so pretty

Characters: Omar Little (The Wire 2002 - 2008), Catherine Cawood (Happy Valley 2014 - 2023), Christine Chapel (Star Trek Strange new Worlds 2022), Alex Vause (Orange is the new black 2013 - 2019), Nomi Marks (Sense8 2015 - 2017), Joan Holloway/Harris (Mad Men 2007 - 2015), and Deran Cody (Animal Kingdom 2016 - 2022), Charles (Four Weddings and a Funeral (1994), Carrie Mathison (Homeland 2011 - 2020), Patsy Mount (Call the Midwife)

As for hates... I dont like too many fancy fonts on gifs, or double exposures that make people look like they have two heads (I'm guilty of this, yes, yes). Not big on the music. My spotify wrapped this year was where I was reminded that I had just listened to Alanis Morissette, The Crystal Method, Bright Eyes and Placebo and things-to-run-to as I always do. Every year. It is an utter wasteland.

Thank you in advance I'm sure whatever you make will be wonderful. I love this exchange so much. Both ways giving and receiving.

[firebuug]

I AM SO SORRY FOR RBING AND NOT SENDING SOMETHING FML anyways 🔥 🌸 🌷 for the jumbo ask game!!!

HELLO HI this is an old ask but ITS OKIEEEEEEE sorry i just got to this im on my puter :3 here is the ask game. i will use eva just because he's the one most living in my mind rn. under da cut

🔥 Give us a list of general likes and dislikes, such as colours, textures, music, weather and other stuff!

ooooo. ok well at first eva's like "i cant like blue that's too obvious my hair is blue my favorite abno is blue i am blue" but he likes blue. he likes blue. he also likes shades along the white and black spectrum they look nice. pleasing 2 the eyes. he likes cloudy cool weather bc it isnt too bright and glaring like the sun and it isnt rainy pouring bothersome mess. he was raised by rich minimalists so a lot of his likes and comforts revolve around classical music, minimalism, things being neat. he hates it when things r messy and disorganized but unfortunately he ends up living with someone who can be messy and disorganized and eventually he is also messy and disorganized because he is a tired professor with so many fucking paperworks

he likes very smootg textures like silk and polished marble. hates gooey sticky textures or rough textures that feel all jumbled like tv static. velvet is fine

🌸 What does your OC’s voice sound like? Their laugh? Are they good at singing? Do they have an accent?

OURGH eva's voice is low, but not bass low he's a baritone. it's lower than julian's and lower than like buggy/skuggy's but still has the ability to go high. it's very. controlled and regulated in terms of volume and pitch and it can sound bored or blunt and impatient to others when just speaking normally but that's just how he speaks. he is a good singer because his parents wanted him 2 be good in both the arts and the core subjects because that way he'll be respected in richpeople land. if i weren't a coward he'd have a (not super heavy) german accent bc his family was german but alas. his laugh is mostly just like an exhale chuckle. he chuckles. but when he laughs unrestrained it starts out loud and tapers out to just giggles

🌷 In what ways would your OC alter their body if they could? How would they do it using mundane means (hair dye, surgery, make-up?). What is their ideal look for themself?

ideal look is a generic skinny tall white guy with short black hair and nondistrinct features in suit and tie with always a serious unchanging expression. ideal look is also a strikingly gorgeous man with long hair and bright eyes full of life with zero stains of capitalism or trauma to be seen within them and smooth skin and a good back. ideal look is also a macintosh computer. ideal look is a mirror reflection of himself scribbled out and ripped to shreds. his sense of self is nonexistent and inconsistent and he doesn't want anything to do with it

if he had the ability and unlimited access to totally free, risk-free, reversible body modification he would be swapping out his look every hour. this is why he distorts into a giant messy jumble of wires that never stays in one shape or color or form

without that fantastical ability i mean he probably just wants to get a nice haircut and a spa treatment and hide under a bedsheet forever

[cloudshapedpatch]

oh my god i just need to vent rn

my car died while i was driving it again, i was able to get into a parking lot safely just very scared, and while im getting really good at driving without power steering i shouldn't have to.

what's pissing me off is i KNOW what's wrong with the car but everyone keeps assuming that i don't know what im talking about because i'm just a little girl or whatever

and it's an EASY fix. a cheap fix. and the only reason why i couldn't bring it to a mechanic is because it's not registered and if i didn't get it serviced same day it would have been impounded by the city.

but my brother in law says it's the battery so i buy a new one. then he says it's the starter so i wait three weeks for him to get one only for it to be the wrong kind so i get it myself. then i need another new battery because the old one got drained past the point of jumping. then he has me buy new terminals. it's the WIRES. connected to the alternator i KNOW it is and id fix it myself if i could but i don't know what im looking for

at this point i have put about $650 dollars into this car that i already paid about 2k more than it was worth because i didn't have any help buying it and i really don't know anything about the car market. and my loan payments are so much im barely getting by and my insurance is even more expensive because of a whole nother can of worms that led to me having a six month gap in coverage. it would have been cheaper to get fucked by the mechanic and have them charge me 200 to plug in a wire

and that's not even all i still have to change the brakes and get an oil change and the tires are gonna go out soon and they are not suited for snow at all they barely drive on dry road as is and i've only got about a month and a half before it starts snowing where i live and i can't afford another 600 to get all new tires now!!!

and i can't afford to pay car insurance and get ubers to work and back every day im already spending over 500 dollars of money i don't have just in rideshare every month and i can't afford to pay 300 a month for a car i can't drive so i need it fixed now. i needed it fixed two months ago when my brother said he would

and because everything fell through i had to cancel my weekend trip i was gonna take next week for my birthday. i worked so hard to save for it and i really deserved it after all the shit i've been dealing with and i was gonna celebrate my own past like 3 birthdays because something always happened and my parents had to skimp on my birthday and say i couldn't do anything, even if i just wanted some friends over for a movie, and then would spend hundreds on my little brother's birthday two weeks after mine like i didn't just get ignored. and i was gonna celebrate my high school graduation this weekend too because i graduated two years early and my brother threw a fit because he said it was his year to shine and i was stealing his thunder so my mom didn't let me have a party and said id get one the next year but the next year was 2021 and i never got it.

not getting the parties isn't such a big deal, it's the way my siblings always got big parties for their milestones and i KNOW im the black sheep of the family but it just fucking hurts. my sister got a nice unsupervised night at a fancy hotel for her sweet sixteen and i got to meet my friends at mcdonald's. every one of my older siblings got a big party for their 18th birthday and got sent lots of money from uncles and grandparents, and another party with family and money for graduating PLUS a family heirloom with their diplomas. i got neither. while my siblings were getting hundreds of dollars from family for turning 18 and graduating i got KICKED OUT. i was homeless living in my car until my friend's parents took me in. i worked hard. i graduated two years early and was in college at 15 but i got nothing except hardship. was told to pick myself up by my bootstraps while they glued my feet to the floor.

i didnt plan anything big either. just a small room at a tiny inn for the weekend, a few towns over. just far enough to see the stars and window shop in the tiny town for a weekend and then be back in time for work on monday because i can't afford a day off, we're in the middle of a recession. i just wanted to do something nice for myself. don't i deserve something nice?

[rayrayperson]

Damn Nicky ur cousin is gnc as fuck