#implied skwistok

[skwigelfskwisgaar]

Cold.

Skwisgaar always hated the cold. But it wasn't like he wasn't used to it - he had grown up swaddled in the biting cold winds, reminders that his mother had forgotten to buy food, to purchase new coats, socks, boots for her growing boy. He was an afterthought, to be left outside like the rest of her worries.

It was why he hated the cold.

He said it was because he was always stuck outside and exposed to it - which wasn't a total lie - but in reality it was because it was a reminder that he was unwanted by the one person he ever wanted to be noticed by when he was young. He wasn't meant for love, he wasn't deserving of it. He was unworthy of it.

He loathed everything about the cold and the snow.

It's why he was probably the only one opposed to the idea of the concert in Danzig - the cold affected sound quality, and it was cold.

Right now, he was trapped in the icy wilds of who knew where and stuck with Toki, without a guitar, and no cell reception. In the cold. But to the more pressing matter at hand, he had to tell Toki about something that was absolutely necessary before he forgot.

"I coulds hear your feedback in mine monitors!"

Skwisgaar hated the snow, but maybe because they were stranded together and he felt some kinship with a fellow Scandinavian that instead of complaining about the fact that they were needing rescue, the blonde felt maybe he should try to dig into Toki's subpar playing at their concert. Especially given that Toki had grown up playing in the harsh Norwegian landscapes and should know to tune his guitar for colder temps -

"How dares you - !" Toki cuts him off, offended that Skwisgaar had told him his playing sucked. Maybe if he practiced or actually paid attention to Skwisgaar when they practiced, maybe he wouldn't have feedback during the concert. Sometimes, it felt like Toki wanted Skwisgaar to be disappointed. It didn't make sense that such a talented guitarist would make such careless mistakes otherwise.

Regardless, he tried to hear Toki's rebuttal about how he was 'killings it', but he was too worried about the cold.

There was a pit growing in his stomach with each step they both took and it was taking every fiber in his body to stop himself from cutting Toki off on his rant - it felt like he was that young little boy again running home excited to show his mom that he got a passing grade in his home ec and music class only to see --

A tree exploded next to them. Halted to a stop, Skwisgaar's thoughts froze, and he stood still, much like Toki before he decided to comment.

"That was weirds."

A large brutish man emerged from the tree line, letting loose a battle cry. Already on edge from the botched concert and a failed escape attempt, Skwisgaar joined Toki in screaming out in fright.

"Time to die!" Both turn in a frenzy and run, long hair wildly whipping behind them. Neither make it far enough and get shoved down as their chaser pulls out a weapon.

In a panic, Skwisgaar thought of how much he hated that after all this time, he was going to die in the snow. Surrounded by the cold. The very thing reminding him the he was unworthy of love. He looked over to see Toki, who was much more confused than panicked, maybe because he had a fighting chance at kicking this guy's ass than Skwisgaar. He took a moment to let his mind calm down from the frantic thoughts speeding through it before he spoke.

He thought of the way the snow crunched under the boots of the man as he took his time to pick between him and his friend. He thought of how he often wanted to play music forever with Toki, and so, quickly formulated that into words before anything else happened.

He thought of all the times he felt the happiest.

The image of Toki and his audition, and how he impressed the band and blew Skwisgaar's mind.

The first recording of them in the studio together as a band.

The privilege of having a fellow Scandinavian who understood basic Swedish and knowing enough Norsk to talk to Toki when he could.

The times when Toki told him how safe he felt, or the times he opened up about why guitars had saved him much like how Skwisgaar felt they had saved him too.

So he said the only thing he could.

The only thing he felt was appropriate.

"I's ... will sees you in Valhallska, Toki."

Toki looked over, a hesitation lasting half a second.

"I always ... hateds you, Skwisgaar." There was a half second in his response but Skwisgaar's heart was singing at the very idea that anyone admitted to feeling anything for him. Toki admitting that he felt this passionate anger, this brutal fury for Skwisgaar made the blonde's heart soar. Toki had this black fury, brutal anger, raw talent that he had trusted Skwisgaar with to pour into their music. To hear Toki aim at him when it was probably more of Toki trusting Skwisgaar with it was neither here nor there, but nonetheless it cemented what Skwisgaar had thought of their musical dynamic for a long time now.

To hear him say it out loud was euphoric.

He knew there were days that Toki wanted to rip Skwisgaar apart, or who knew what else with that wild primal look he had in his eyes after practice sessions - but for him to admit this on what might be their metaphorical deathbeds?

It was the highest form of flattery Skwisgaar had ever been granted and he had no way of of knowing how to respond. So he smiled.

He cracked a small, albeit genuine, smile.

And he answered honestly.

"...I knows Toki, I knows."

- - - - -

It was cold in his room, no matter how often he fiddled with the thermostat. Ever since he had the scare with Toki and his new guitar teacher, Skwisgaar's room became colder. He was sure Toki was playing tricks on him at this point, or the others were messing around with him when he wasn't looking. They all knew he hated the cold. It was probably more mind tricks.

Right now he had a hard time even playing classic Dethklok songs because his hands were so cold. He muttered a few curses under his breath and started again from the top, gluing his eyes back on to the metronome and internalizing the beat.

Closing his eyes, Skwisgaar tried to playing the Duncan Hills jingle again from memory, trying to forget the recital and the events that led up to it. Toki's tutor had died last week, which should have meant Toki and the other guys would find a way to stop fucking around with Skwisgaar - they moved on to the next thing which was Murderface and a line of Planet Piss watches he was planning on launching. Yet Skwisgaar hadn't been able to find a way to regulate the room to a stable temperature he could tolerate.

He was in the middle of playing the stupid coffee jingle when he heard a knock on the door. Skwisgaar mumbled something about coming in before rolling his eyes at the hulking mass that was Nathan - probably there to tease him about Toki still. He made his peace that he wasn't the best tutor for Toki, as much as that hurt to admit, but they weren't going to stop him from being better.

"Hey, I heard Toki was - holy shit Skwisgaar - !"

In a flash Nathan had torn Skwisgaar's hands away from his Explorer, with Pickles and Murderface in tow as they now poked and prodded at his bloodied hands with very poorly veiled concerns.

It took over an hour of some careful wording and promises to Charles to get everyone to leave him alone after all was said and done. Even Toki had stopped by to see what happened, to which he put his foot down and shooed everyone out with promises of care and rest if they left him alone

Everyone except Nathan.

"Nat'an, you amnst needs to dotes on mes like Fatty Ding Dongs."

Nathan had taken a seat on the bed next to him, looking at him like he did when Toki or Murderface screwed up their parts.

With pity.

"Uh. Just. Take it easy, need you in peak shape."

"Can'ts stays in peak shapes if I can'ts praktises." Skwisgaar pulled his signature white fur cover on himself, his room unbearably cold still. He forgot to mention to Charles about the fact that his room needed servicing.

"Well. Maybe. Hrm. Maybe ease up. On the whole... uh. On the whole practicing thing."

"Nat'an, I has to be betters than Tokis - !"

"Skwisgaar. We were messing with you. We - I didn't think - this was a joke."

Skwisgaar looked down at his hands. He knew guitarists who had done bloody messes of themselves trying to meet deadlines. Hell, Skwisgaar had done that to himself several times trying to complete songs with Toki and Murderface, all 3 of them sporting some gnarly blisters; bloody bandaids the days after recordings were finished worn as badges of honor. Why was this a concern all of a sudden?

"I's had bloody blisters before meeting deadlines. Williams, Toki, mes toos. Amns dis about somet'ings else, Nat'ans?" Skwisgaar could see Nathan struggling to spin this in a way where nobody broke that stupid rule but it wasn't like they had particularly tried to hide it this time. Maybe it was habit at this point - Pickles talking about the insurance policies Charles took out on each of his fingers and Murderface talking about how devastated Toki would be and how he would be burdened with the younger man. As if either one of them actually played their instrument outside of concerts or the recording room.

"Look, I'm only saying this because no one else is here to hear this but Skwisgaar, this is ... uh. Concerning."

"Ands?"

"And? Is Toki getting better than you really that big a deal to you?"

"Woulds it be that bigs a deal to admit that I has not'ing else?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I only has de guitar. If I amnst de best at de guitar, what do I has to mine name?"

"You have Dethklok. You have us."

Nathan got up, giving Skwisgaar a squeeze on the shoulder, before leaving the room. His room, oddly enough, was no longer cold after that night. At least now he knew he had his band. He had his friends.

- - - - -

The Dethcopter was cold. Maybe it was because Toki and Pickles beat the living shit out of Murderface and he insisted they stay an extra hour to get some ice for his aching bruises, or maybe because he had just broken up with Tori, the first time he felt like he was at home outside of Mordhaus. Regardless of which, Skwisgaar was over it. The cold was exactly as it was from his memories - sharp, biting, numbing.

Sitting across from him, Murderface gave him an accusatory look - something Murderface had mastered over the years as their profit chasing bassist. Despite both seats facing the same direction, they both managed to face each other while they made small talk.

"Looks like Pickle and Tokis really puts de boots to you."

"I wish those fuckers put the boots to me..."

Skwisgaar, out of pity, or out of duty to the band, took his freezing hands and placed them on Murderface's knuckles, red and bruised from covering himself from Toki's and Pickles' beating. Couldn't have a bassist with useless hands. Murderface flinched at first, then took Skwisgaar's cold fingers and placed them on his other knuckles, alternating them every few seconds.

"Amns wantings to knows whats you dids to get beaten by Pickle and Toki." Murderface grumbled, or mumbled, Skwisgaar could never tell with that terrible lisp of his, before he responded.

"You know, that chick you were with looked an awful lot like schomeone we know, Skwischgaar."

Skwisgaar arched an eyebrow. He thought about all the women they knew, which wasn't many to begin with, and tried very hard to think of who his ex-girlfriend could even remotely look like.

"I's... not sure who she amns looking like." Murderface made a smug face, as a Klokateer came by to give him an ice pack for his leg.

"Whats?" Murderface took the ice pack from his knee and placed it on his hands when Skwisgaar retreated his hands, trying to question Murderface now.

"Brown hair, blue eyes. Blue sweater, really Skwischgaar?"

"She amns sweet and kinds, and likes animals. She hads a small collection of sea creature plushies. Wants to be a doctor." He smiled a little, remembering the fun dates he had with Tori, and the fun outing to the aquarium in Stockholm. He didn't even know about Skansen-Akvariet and now it became a new favorite spot in his home country to visit.

"Holy schit, plushies?" Murderface clamped a less bruised hand over his mouth, looking more like he was trying to contain his laughter instead of trying to have a conversation. Skwisgaar scowled at him.

"Ja, Williams. She amns havings a sweet side. Classy lady nameds Tori Skarsgard. She hads me whats call binge watch Moomintroll wit her, even if I alreadies seen it with Toki when he amns join - !"

"Why the fuck am I the only one here to hear this?!"

"You amns just jealous dat I founds a wonderful lady even ifs I's not famous." Skwisgaar crossed his arms in indignance, a bit upset that Murderface was finding humor in any of this. Maybe Skwisgaar was sore about letting Tori go. Maybe he was upset about the cold. Or maybe it was a mixture of both.

"Skwischgaar." Murderface stopped smiling and more or less kept a serious face. At this point Skwisgaar saw that maybe Murderface was seeing something he wasn't - maybe that Tori resembled someone he already knew.

" ... whatevers. It amns over wit her." Murderface sighed, a placed a hand on Skwisgaar's shoulder. Was that pity he picked up on in the bassist's voice?

"What, Williams? Are you goings to tells me to stops de moping over Tori? Tori amns amazings but evens Tori amnst a worthy of a gods?"

"What the fuck - no, I wasch going to say that she was Toki with tits, you fucking egotistical prick!"

Skwisgaar's brain short circuited at the words that came spilling out of Murderface's mouth. He blinked, and he registered that Murderface had begun to to snap his fingers in front of his face and had said - asked actually, about something. But nothing was registering.

Brunette with a large plushie collection. The blue sweater he gifted her for their aquarium date. A shared love for animals. The fact that both of them made him sit down and watch Moomintroll nonstop --

Snap!

Skwisgaar shot his hands up and slapped it over Murderface's mouth, as he scanned the Dethcopter for prying ears. Once he saw not even Klokateers were nearby, he leaned in to whisper. Murderface, who was caught mid finger snap, stopped as if frozen in ice. He locked eyes with Skwisgaar once the hands came off his mouth.

"So, what gives Skwischgaar?! Your first ever girlfriend and it's literally a female Toki - !"

"I misseds Mordhaus."

"Excuses." He and Murderface glare at each other before Murderface sighs and lets out a laugh.

"What amns funny, Williams?!" Skwisgaar crosses his arms again, furious that he didn't have his Explorer on hand and sits facing the right direction, forward to avoid looking at Murderface and his ridicule.

"You literally just realized that?!"

"Whatevers, you dildo. At least I amnst denyings dat I misses mine band."

"Nah, you missed him." Skiwsgaar spun around so fast Murderface almost got a mouth full of blonde hair.

"Never mention dis agains. Got its?"

"...I got it. If it makes you feel better - well, you didn't hear it from me personally- but I- we saw more blonde groupies too. Not even to like fuck them or anything, but just like, to have them around. The other guys, I mean. I- we all missed you." Murderface looked away, trying to put on a cool bravado and not look like he was outing himself but instead more like he was ratting out the rest of the band for blatantly caring as much as they did. With both now facing forward, Skwisgaar could swallow the humiliation of being told by Murderface of all people that Tori had been 'Toki with tits'.

Skwisgaar nodded, then replied, "What a weird ways to says the bands misses me."

"Whatever." Murderface leaned away again, before he spoke again.

"What a weird way to admit you dated a Toki with tits."

"Dat amnst true, Moidaface - !"

When Pickles and Nathan came back on the Dethcopter they found Skwisgaar and Murderface rolling around like idiots, fighting about who knew what - probably about who slept with more groupies. Again.

- - - - -

Skwisgaar felt a bone-deep cold that he couldn't shake off. It was Sweden 1984 all over again. In the distance, he could see the dying fires of riots from fans still upset about Dethklok breaking up. Rumbling in the sky signaled that the weatherman was correct as always, and rain should be coming in later. Despite this, Skwisgaar doesn't care.

His band is no more.

He takes a swig of the ipen bottle of vodka he has with him and looks from his high balcony as he leans forward on his arms. Everyone is trying to put out fires, it feels like.

With Murderface still dealing with the fallout in the political sphere after his nudes leaked, and Pickles and Nathan still fighting over a woman that Skwisgaar was positive wanted nothing to do with either of them, it left little for Skwisgaar to do except drink and think. He wandered Mordhaus like a ghost, except he was riddled with dread and stress. Maybe less a ghost, and more a haunted soul left to carry the burdens of mistakes made. To drink and think on decisions made.

And he's had plenty of time to drink and think since Pickles announced he was quitting the band.

To think about how awful he's been to Toki. To drink to the good times he took for granted. To blame himself on how he turned Toki's admiration, that righteous brutality he wanted to draw out and funnel into his playing - how he twisted it into an acidic poison that's corrupted into a desperate plea for validation. While Toki could have attempted to pour that angry energy into his guitar playing, Skwisgaar definitely didn't encourage Toki in positive ways.

He twisted Toki into the monstrosity that backstabbed him all for a stupid solo - which Toki bombed and was also still trying to make up for with those fans too.

" Oh hey, Skwisgahr! Mind if I join ya?"

Seeing that this was the balcony overlooking what was the Mordhaus equivalent of a backyard, Skwisgaar looked at Pickles and nodded. It's not like he and Pickles didn't hang out often, but nowadays, it felt like Skwisgaar had been left out to dry just like everyone else, while Pickles and Nathan feuded over Abigail.

"I see you're hitting the liquor early tonight."

"Heughs, I ackshualies am starting lates tonights."

"...is that so?"

"Yeahs. But amns enoughs about mes. Wants some?"

"Sure!" Pickles took the vodka from Skwisgaar and really took in the sight of the man. He felt those emerald green eyes look over him as he approached. Blonde locks looked dull, skin had a grey pallor, and unless his eyes betrayed him, the guitarist looked sleep deprived. Or at least Skwisgaar would assume Pickles could tell that from a glance - Pickles was always so good at seeing and telling right away what was wrong with someone.

"You okey, dood?"

"I wills be. Not my foirst times having a band break ups."

"Right. Look, I was actually lookin for ya, I wanted to say sorry fer -!"

"For whats? Tellings Nat'an dat he amnst right for breakings de master records?"

"No - !"

"For goings back to your moms after you tolds me you amnst let hers do whats she dids last time we dids mom talk?"

"Dood, unrelated and no!" Pickles downs almost the entire bottle of vodka like a true champ before Skwisgaar takes it back and drinks the remainder. He doesn't look at him when he produces the other bottle he had brought out with him, and he just knows Pickles is going to judge him for it - which is rich coming from the guy who was in rehab for drinking.

"I came to say sorry for being a shit friend. I was so bent outta shape about my shit wit' Nathan thet I forgot to check in with ya, especially after the whole thin' with Toki."

Skwisgaar spins around and smacks Pickles with his hair. Pickles sputters, trying to wipe his face.

"What amns you knows about me and Tokis?" he asks, popping the cork on the new bottle, before leaning to look at the dying riots in the distance, "Amns as much mine faults anyways, amns a punishments for mine hubris." He takes the bottle to his lips and takes a sip, and not wanting to not wake up hungover for Cornickelson's funeral offers the bottle to Pickles.

Pickles stands there gobsmacked before he takes the bottle away from Skwisgaar again. Skwisgaar rolls his eyes.

"Looks, Pickle. I cames here to be miserables before de funeral. I amnst in de mood - !"

"I'm not gonna stand here and see you kill your liver over fuckin' Toki!"

"It amnst over just hims! It amns de band, mine friends, mine music careers! I pours mine entire hearts and souls into dis!" Pickles takes a step back as Skwisgaar, drunk on both vodka and misery, looms over him as each syllable spills out of him.

"Seems likes I amns de only ones who amns not wanting Dethklok to breaks up, because it amns de foirst time I likes people - de fans and de label and mine friends - !"

Pickles tries to tackle Skwisgaar but becomes a hug when the guitarist wraps his arms around him; Skwisgaar pets his head and while the humiliation of the failed tackle stabs at his pride for a split second, there remains a longer burning shame for neglecting a friend who has been suffering in the shadows of the much more prominent fighting between himself and Nathan. He feel Skwisgaar's arms shudder, no doubt because the man was always somehow cold.

"... fuck, Skwisgahr - I'm so fuckin' sorry."

"I don'ts want de pity. I wants mine band backs."

"It's not pity, you fuckin' douchebag."

"What amns dis huh, Pickle?"

"Fuckin' ... shut up and just let me keep yer beanpole ass warm for a sec."

"You amns such a moms."

"So... do you accept my apology?"

"Ja, apolejacks accepteds."

"Geez, we have got to get you an' Toki to some classes - wait, I got an idea."

Tearing himself off of Skwisgaar, Pickles produces his phone out of his pocket and taps away, while clouds overhead blot out the stars. Skwisgaar decides his legs need too much coordination to keep him upright and slumps down next to the railing.

"You invites goirls?"

"No, I invited Toki."

Pickles had never seen someone try to sober up as quickly as Skwisgaar did. The man knew he was an emotional drunk, as evidenced by the hug earlier, and the half-confession, half-admission of him caring about the break up. And for some reason unknown to the band, Skwisgaar always refused to get drunk around Toki alone, or would get drunk with everyone. Pickles squinted at Skwisgaar as a suspicion began setting in; the guitarist is busy trying to make himself puke over the balcony, before looking back to the entryway to their home.

"Skwisgahr."

"Nej, dis amns terribles time, I's drunk as shits - !"

"Skwisgahr."

"Calls Williams, or get some groupies - !"

"Skwisgahr."

"Waits, maybes I gets sloppies and just pass out - !"

"Dood, why are you so against having Toki here?"

Skwisgaar freezes like a deer in headlights, before slumping back down against the balcony and pulling his legs up and laying his head against his knees. Realizing he wasn't going to get an answer, Pickles joins him, pulling out a joint and asking again.

"Skwisgahr, I'm askin' as a friend 'ere."

"You guys knows I amnst likings to be drunk with Toki around. Amns bad influence."

"... never stopped you from drinking and partying with 'im on ... tours..." Skwisgaar looks up to Pickles as if confused for the drifting off at the end.

Pickles looks back at him, confusion in his face.

"Now that I say it, it's like - it's with the rest of the band. Is there something else I'm not seein' here, beanpole?"

"Nothings you dildo! I don't wants him to sees de poirson whats invites him to de band to acts like... wells like drunk idiot!" Skwisgaar and Pickles both look to the entryway for a short second because they saw movement; when they see a few Klokateers come and go and one come out with ice, some drinks and glasses, Pickles continues. He thought Toki said he was close by, and he could swear on his drum set that he saw those pale blue eyes for a split second.

"What's wrong with thet?"

"Toki ands I went drinking alones once. We don't drives anymore. It were a careless act." Pickles gives him a face of realization, recalling the incident. They thought it was really awesome to see them on the news, drunk driving on live TV on a police chase. Toki shooting a gun at the news helicopter and then the crash into the barricade was the highlight. The band was excited to pick them up, even if it meant that Skwisgaar and Toki had lost their licenses to drive.

"I remember! Thet was fuckin' great."

"I crash de car. We hads de buckles on, which amns goods but..."

"Oh yeah, so... you really care thet much?"

"Toki ... he amns like music... soul twin. He amns differents. I's be a dildo to not says dat. I has been dildo to hims. Amns why I amnst mads about de book, I's mad it took a book to sees it. I deserves it for not appreskiatings Toki's skill. "

"... this is the first time I've ever heard ya talk about the kid in a nice way. But I've seen ya, Skwisgahr! You care, like, a lot."

" You amnst foirst to tells me dat." Pickles lit a joint up and passed it to Skwisgaar, who took a good puff out of it.

"Pickle? Ams Toki, I's here!"

Skwisgaar promptly started choking on the puff he took. Pickles let out a hearty chuckle. Toki waved, looking at Pickles before his eyes landed on Skwisgaar. The kid seemed nervous. Apprehensive about approaching them, and for a second it felt like he was watching a rabbit approach a wolf in its den. Maybe his eyes hadn't played tricks on him earlier.

"Amns you been arounds a long time?!"

"Nei? I's uhm, I's justs gots here." After composing himself from what looked like a potential heart attack, Skwisgaar passed the joint back to Pickles, who made a huge wave of his arm to make Toki sit down. He took a small puff then passed it to Toki once he finally sat across from them.

"So, Toki. Heard ya leaked the nudes that killed Murderface's political cahreer."

Skwisgaar leaned in, and so did the others. "If you dids, Toki, I says you dids de woirld a favors. No ones in politics amns taking bads nudes like dat."

Pickes let out a loud howl of laughter as Toki giggled.

"...amns you been drinking, Skwisgaar?"

"Ja, amns been rough wit ... Nat'an and de new music he amns doings. It's dildos." Pickles gave him a disapproving look, but Skwisgaar would rather go back to Sweden than talk about why he was on the verge of a breakdown.

"Nat'en ams needs to apologise to Pickle. It ams wrong what he did." Pickles raised the vodka bottle he had managed to get without much moving and then drank. Toki took it next after passing the joint to Skwisgaar, who snatched it from him.

"Nej, amns bads for yous."

"Pickle!?" Pickles smacked him on the arm.

"Fines."

"Play nice, both of ya."

"Skwisgaar started it."

"Toki, we all need apologize. I came to say sorry to Beanpole here." Skwisgaar felt himself shrivel up, as Toki looked at Pickles with curiosity.

"Whats about?"

"Eh, another time, kid. But I think, before we get crazy here - ya both need to clear up some shit. I'm gonna get Murderface, he just texted thet he got lost."

Toki asked why not text him again, like he did with him as Skwisgaar flopped on either trying to pull Pickles back down or freezing up.

As Pickles vanished, Skwisgaar felt too drunk and too aware and in his skin all at once. His eyes locked with Toki, and he immediately slumped back on the balcony railing, opting to grab the abandoned bottle.

"... yous not just drinking because of Nat'ens, ams you."

"Amazings brain usings, Toki. De skies amns blue too, you knows dat?"

"Okei fucker, whys Pickle says dat and leaves me wit your sour pusses?"

Skwisgaar didn't respond. He took the bottle to his lips, dipped his head back and drank. And drank. And drank. And drank --

"Stops! You amns gonna kills your liver!"

'I's not drunk or highs enoughs for dis."

"For whats?!"

He looks at Toki, who looks lost and afraid. He's not seen Skwisgaar hit a low like this, not even when he lost the endorsements after the book published, or his career was pulverized into pieces. Last time he saw Skwisgaar this drunk was the night they got arrested for drunk driving. He thought about how things were different then, how simpler their dynamic was, how easier it was to trust his band, to trust Toki.

How he took it all for granted.

"I's sorries, Tokis. You amnst deserves dis."

"What ams you talking abouts?!" Toki pulled himself closer; Skwisgaar's eyes drifted away from those pale blue hues and to Toki's hands. Those hands that he had been trusted to write for. To care for. To cherish and to play music with.

He sighed.

"You needs to talk to mes when I amnst fuckeds up. Meets me at de bar after de funerals?"

Toki, looking at him with concern and apprehension and some suspicion, nodded in agreement. Pickles came back and told them it would be a few more minutes, and Toki volunteered to go with him.

Skwisgaar cracked a small smile. Toki did too. Pickles looked at Skwisgaar, and he gave him a sloppy thumbs up. Pickles gave him one back.

- - - - -

The first thing he felt was cold. It was a common thing to feel when he didn't remember the events leading him there. Stiff and sore, he took an attempt to slip back under because being sober was awful.

Was that puke on his face?

"...eurgh.....hrmph..."

He pulled himself out of the tangle of hair, limbs and liquor spilled on and around him before he grabbed a bottle. Surprisingly, it still had alcohol in it, so he took it and a semi-clean robe and wandered out of the room. Alcohol was better for avoiding sobriety this early, for now.

It felt like it was a lifetime ago that he spent his night under that cloudy night getting drunk and high with Murderface and Pickles and Toki. With the promise of meeting Toki under better circumstances after the funeral to talk.

That night he sat at the bar by himself until he couldn't sit straight anymore.

And since then, he refused to stay sober.

It was easier that way.

And when alcohol wasn't doing it, he began to raid Pickles' stash. When Pickles cornered him, he lashed out and finally went out and found himself back on the streets of 1999, chasing a high that he promised to leave behind.

Pickles finally came to him in hysterics when he threw out his Explorer, a book he wrote some music ideas on, and a few CD cases he had stashed Toki's old guitar riffs on. Pickles only knew Skwisgaar was doing it because a CD hit one of the groupie sluts he was talking to in the backyard.

Skiwsgaar was so high on meth that Pickles had to get Murderface and Nathan to help him bring the blonde inside. It didn't take long to see that the guitarist was not drunk but high and less time for Pickles to see what it was when he saw track marks.

"I's not gonnas get lectures from you Pickle. You wents to rehabs for dis." Stunned at the remark, Murderface and Nathan watched as they both had a shouting match until both stormed off. At least Skwisgaar stopped taking meth.

That was last month.

Or last week.

Or was it last year?

He lost track of time.

It didn't matter anymore. Not without Toki.

Skwisgaar picked up a pastry in the kitchen and listened as they talked about using a new recording as part of the concert coming up. Skwisgaar nearly gagged.

"Amnst de sames."

"It'll have to do. We have recordings - !"

"Nei, Nat'an. I won'ts do its."

"Skwischgaar - !"

He threw his glass of juice at the first wall he saw.

"Fines! Dos whatever, fucking dildos."

He shoved the pastry into his mouth before they said anything and walked off. Stumbling, like a toddler just learning to walk. He makes it to the entry of the kitchen as he hears Pickles finally pipe up.

"What the fuck is Skwisgahr's problem now?"

"He, uh. He doesn't want recordings."

"... did I ever tell you guysch about the girlfriend he had in Sweden?"

Immediately, Skwisgaar turns on his heel and comes back into the kitchen and makes a dive at Murderface, until Nathan tackles him and tosses him against a counter. Pickles makes a dash to get out of the way as Murderface slowly lowers the arms he instinctively raised in his defense.

"Yous amns fuckings dildo lickers! You fuckings-- you amnst GETS ITS!"

And while his silent cries and tears didn't make sense that day, a week later when he quietly held Toki in the Dethcopter and whispered all the things he didn't get to tell him at the bar the day of the funeral, they understood.

- - - - -

Cold.

Something about the Arctic cold that made bones creak. It made joints crack like glass. Fingers ache. Skwisgaar hated it. Maybe it was his age. Maybe it was the cold, still.

How long had it been since they had first stepped onto Danzig? How much had changed since then?

His head throbbed, the ground wobbled -

A warm arm wrapped around his middle before his knees gave out.

"Shit - Toki, come help with yer brother!"

If Skwisgaar wasn't on the verge of puking his guts out he'd chew out Pickles for calling on Toki to help him. With Murderface on his right side Toki came up on the other, clutching Deaddy Bear as Pickles ran his hand over Skwisgaar's head. Wait, when did Skwisgaar get shorter?

"Of course Skwischgaar is a mess, he's light as fuck! Feels like a lady!"

"Yous a lady, Williams!"

"Dood, how many fingers am I holdin'?"

"Amnst blind, Pickle - !"

"No, but uh. You have a concussion. Got those in high school. Erm. A lot. I know one when I see one."

As Pickles and Nathan both talked about how Skwisgaar was going to recover, and Murderface grumbled about how no one cared about how he felt after having been possessed - all Skwisgaar wanted to do was make sure he at least made it back to Mordhaus -

"Skwisgaar?"

Toki pressed Deaddy Bear to Skwisgaar's arms, and then held Skwisgaar in a tight hug. The cold he felt began to seep out of him as Toki slowly looked up and finally locked eyes with him. He had taken a seat next to him, under Skwisgaar's arm still.

"I know it was you who carried me," he said in Swedish, "Let Toki carry you now."

"... this is a hug, Toki." Toki just hugged him tighter.

"What have I said about not speakin' English? No Snow-Speak!"

"Picklesch, its called Swedish." Toki gave Murderface a look, as Skwisgaar finally manages to hold down the Doritos they gave them in their cells the night before. He says what he assumed Toki was also thinking.

"...what de fucks amns Snows ... Speaks?"

"A schtupid term he picked up from reading ..."

Skwisgaar saw Pickles panic for a split second as Murderface stopped. Toki loosens his arms, but doesn't let go of Skwisgaar, to lean closer to Murderface, who also looks like he's panicking.

"Readings what?"

"Wowies, Mordaface, how ams you knows wes speaking Svenska?"

"I made an educated guessch."

"Yeah! Ya only speak in Swedish when - !"

"Readings what, Pickle?!"

"Uh... fans! Social media stuff! The fans think you an' Tokes have some secret language! They call it thet." Based on Nathan's own face, Skwisgaar felt like maybe Pickles was lying through his teeth. He was not going to pry further now, however - his stomach was threatening to empty itself again. Skwisgaar pried his right arm away from Murderface to clamp his mouth and then rub his stomach as he took a deep breath.

"Shit, uh. We gotta get you, mhrm, Murderface, and Charles looked at. Like, now." Pickles made a quick turn and immediately pointed at something Skwisgaar couldn't see from his angle. Sitting on the snow aside, the view out here wasn't bad. Nathan patted Pickles on the shoulder before walking in the direction he pointed. Maybe it was Charles? Pickles began walking away and talking with Nathan, before he stopped and made a motion to Murderface.

"Murderface, come help Nathan grab Charles! Looks like there's someone helpin' already."

Murderface grumbled something about suffering from success, which made absolutely no sense to Skwisgaar, but he was using the time of quiet to gather his thoughts. Toki finally, slowly pulled himself away from him and smiled sweetly.

"...Skwisgaar, I know you and I have had our problems, and I haven't made a great friend. But I mean it. Let Toki carry the weight for now. If that includes you when things get tough, then I will." Skwisgaar grabs Toki's fretting hand and rubs his thumb over the callouses there. Even now Toki is clingy, needy, affectionate, caring. And it's not just with Skwisgaar, even if it is who he does it the most with - he went to Pickles or Nathan if he needed help with anything or to Murderface for fun and laughter.

With Skwisgaar he often just sat and listened to what the Swede said, chords and strings and arpeggios the backdrop for the lessons and practice sessions in Deus Keep.

He wondered what happened in the time they forgot.

He wondered what made this Toki so clingy.

He wondered if he did something to him.

He wondered why Toki and not --

"You are thinking too loud."

"Sorry, my head is a mess."

"Speak your mind, Skwisgaar."

He lets go of Toki's hand, and holds himself in the biting cold as he formulates his thoughts. Danzig is where they both 'confessed' to their intentions going forward in their music, and Skwisgaar wanted to keep that same spirit. Here was Toki wanting to mend things - either because he felt guilty about the book or because he felt he wasn't pulling enough weight in the dynamic, but here he was ready to help Skwisgaar.

Ready to not just be an equal, but his friend.

"Toki... if you have been a bad friend, then I've been outright shit to you. You trusted me with your talent, and I squandered that. I never gave you reason enough to be excited or passionate for the music if I never let you shine. It's just as much my fault - !"

Toki launches himself on Skwisgaar, a crushing hug and then shaking shoulders. Skwisgaar panics as he realizes Toki's crying, and he slowly and awkwardly begins to rub the younger man's back as he pulls himself tighter on the blonde.

"I promise to put my ego aside from now on. Okay?"

Toki nods his head, and Skwisgaar suddenly realizes something.

"Tokis... amns you using mine shoirts to wipes your face?!"

Toki shakes his head no, but then pulls himself away and gives Skwisgaar an angry look.

"You says nice things and you worry about yous stupid shirt?!"

"It amnst a hankys chef to wipes snot off ... your - !" Almost immediately, Skwisgaar feels it and loses to his stomach, as it empties itself and he only feels Toki rub his back as he goes for a second round, and finally, his stomach gives up fighting him. Thankfully all he did was turn his face to the side and Toki managed to get his face out of the way before he whispered reassurances that it would get better once he had something to eat and some proper food and sleep.

"...the fucker exploded into red mist! Farm equipment is brutal!"

"That uh. That explains why we didn't see a corpse."

"Skwisgahr ain't doing so great too, Charles, we're gonna get ya'll checked out."

"Thanks, boys."

Skwisgaar wipes part of his mouth as Toki keeps a hand on him and the other cradling Deaddy Bear. It sounds like they did find Charles. Good.

His ears ring for half a second, before he sees Charles carried by Nathan and Murderface. Behind them is what looks like a nurse and a paramedic, and a Klokateer with a duffel bag slung on over a shoulder - if he recalled correctly, many of the non-combat Gears had been left in chapters scattered throughout cities to help in the days of the prophecy but to still see them around was --

"Wowies, a Klokateers?!"

"Lord Wartooth, Lord Skwigelf, an honor. I have some emergency first aid kits and these two medical professionals volunteered to assist with what they could. Mr. Offdensen has been stabilized and can be treated for minor injuries while we look at Lord Murderface and Lord Skwigelf."

Pickles approached Toki with a diabetes monitor and insulin kit, while the paramedic looked at Skwisgaar, and the nurse looked over Murderface. Murderface was cleared physically of anomalies, and Toki was given a sticker and insulin to make sure his levels were stable. With that, Pickles and Nathan helped clean up Charles with the nurse ans Toki and Murderface kept Skwisgaar company.

With both sitting next to him, he only has to whisper as the paramedic does some final checks and gives him some medications.

"Sos, Williams, Toki. When amns you thinkings dat Nat'en and Pickle finallies realizes de truth?"

"Truth about what, Skwischgaar?"

"... you amnst sees it!?"

Toki sticks out his tongue as he squints hard at the pair, busy trying to make sure they help. They're both helping Charles with his mangled hand, cleaning and bandaging what they can.

"...thats they sucks at doctors?"

"You amns dildos at dis. Nat'en and Pickles? De worry abohts eqch other? De way de boths amns so carings wit each other?" Murderface and Toki both let out a sound of realization, before excitement and shock creeps over both of them.

"Wait, you think they are together?!"

"That ams make it reals mom and dad?!"

"Looks, we amns smart and can sees it. We amnst idiots. We can sees what amns plains as light of days!"

At this point, Murderface looks at Skwisgaar and then Toki. Henarrows his eyes at the guitarists, as if he's expecting either of them to say something - Skwisgaar looks at him and gives him a questioning look instead.

"What, Williams?"

He just needed to find the people that wanted him first.

"You know what, Skwischgaar? You aschtound me. You really do." Skwisgaar smiled, as he realized that he hadn't felt cold for a while now. Here he was out in Danzig, in near Arctic temperatures, and he felt warm as if he was standing outside on a sunny day. Maybe he was wanted, after all.

Like Nathan, who reminded him he had more than just his guitar - he was Skwisgaar and he had his friends too.

Like Murderface, who reminded him his band wasn't just another gig, it was his friends who liked him for him.

Like Pickles, who reminded him that he didn't need to struggle alone, and apologies made people grow.

And like Toki, who showed Skwisgaar that he was someone worth trusting.

Who, despite all their up and downs, still wanted to be his friend. Who still wanted to play music with him.

Toki, who wanted to shine just as much as he wanted Skwisgaar to shine too.

Toki. His friend. His brother. His equal.

[mechadeath]

pfp/banner combo i made for my twitter a while back!!

[tiredpacdad]

most exhausting hospital trip ever

[mirrorshards]

sometimes these guys are stronger than my burnout (for a change not a request but still dedicated to @basu-shokikita )

[basu-shokikita]

Constantly pondering over the fact that Skwisgaar was the only member that knew about Toki's fear of bicentennial quarters.

Not only because it inevitably denotes they're close enough for Toki to disclose his fears and phobias, but also because, like, how what else have they talked about? It's heavily hinted that Toki is scared of quarters because they remind him of the entrance to the punishment hole.

So, does Skwisgaar know about what Toki's parents did to him? Did Toki open up about his childhood to Skwisgaar? And does that mean Skwisgaar also opened up about his own childhood to Toki? Are they aware of each other's respective traumas?

Related to this, when Toki further talks about his past, they all look kind of angry/disgusted by it, while Skwisgaar seems worried instead. And by God, when Skwisgaar looks disgusted he doesn't mask it, but that doesn't seem the case here. If anything, he looks rather pitying than grossed out.

I just wonder how much these two know about each other...

[alienencountr]

jesus christ looks like me

[pashko-themothboy]

may I introduce you a skwistok magical child

Freyja Skwigelf

or an accidental abuse of godly powers combined with a certain kink

infodump under the cut

she was created with Skwisgaar's and Toki's life/death powers combined that makes her a medium. her ability to talk to the dead has to help her continue the prophecy

her creation was foretold and Charles prepared a nursery and a team of klokateers in advance. the guys didn't even know about all of it till the accident

Skwisgaar won a staring contest for Freyja's last name

the guys claimed to have no interest in the child but they would sneak into the nursery till they all met there and quit pretending

Nathan afraid to hold the baby 'cause she is so tiny and fragile and when he finally does he is an emotional mess. "Don't throws up bloods on my baby, Nathans!" (I'm a sucker for scenes like this)

the guys, Skwisgaar and Toki especially, would complain about hardship of parenthood to avoid work and be offended when someone confronts them saying klokateers take care of the child

Freyja calls the guys pappa, pappi, dad, Dadderface and Pickles

she can tell all her klokateers apart. sometimes she doesn't notice when they die since she still sees them as ghost

Freyja is afraid of clowns (it has nothing to do with Rockso. the creep is forbidden anywhere near the girl) Toki invited one for her first birthday and poor baby went hysterical

Toki once made a fatal mistake and gave Freyja his Deady and couldn't get it back. so he ordered Bear Devil to be made for her

Freyja is homeschooled. she has the best tutors and is academically gifted. but she won't survive in a school system

half of the time she is with the church of the Blackklok. they study her powers and help her control them

she knows the prophecy by heart but only the verses. she has no idea what happened in reality

Freyja lacks social skills. she barely had any peers around. and it were mostly ghosts of teenage Dethklok fans. her first friend was Juliette who's ghost stayed in Mordland after she died

but she do have some friends online who know her as Juliette Warelf

her pet spiders are the cutest creatures in the world, even cuter than yard wolves. you can't prove her wrong

most of her half-siblings hate her

they teach Freyja both Norwegian and Swedish. sometimes she would talk in what she calls Scandinavian-American

when Freyja grew out of friendship with Juliette she helped the girl with her last wish and set her free. it was the first and for a while the only time Freyja made a ghost solid

after that she felt quite lonely. all those teenage ghost seemed cool when she was a child. but as a teen herself Freyja doesn't need more terrible metalheads around. she has her dads and she doesn't even like metal that much

"as the chosen one" Freyja decided that the universe should give her someone to be by her side for all time (a dark ritual is involved)

[dichromaticdyke]

you said you werent sure where toki was jacking off in that screenshot-- the bricks look identical to the bricks in the shower room they threw toki into in s2e19 when he was drunk off his ass, so maybe there?

this is gonna be a long response, so it's going under the cut. because when i say @supersaturnnyoomkitty and i have talked about this A LOT, i'm NOT JOKING. but, yes, for a reminder to those who follow me for completely different reasons: when analyzing this scene, i threw that line in as a throwaway, because it's definitely not Toki's room, and the only important thing of note is that he's getting the fuck away from the creepy photos of his parents.

the bricks are a different color and shape, and there aren't any pictures or posters anywhere to be seen.

here's everwhere in mordhaus where we thought it could be: outside the recording studio, the room where facebones addresses the klokateers, and, of course, the bathroom* (*the bathroom theory is way more complicated than it should be).

so, we'll probably never know, because brendon small refuses to email us back, but here are some of our theories as to each of these places.

1- outside the recording room. he's listening to skwisgaar play. now i'm not just saying that because i'm a trash skwistok shipper, i'm also saying that because toki obviously has a very strong attachment to skwisgaar's guitar playing. call it romantic, call it idol worship, call it whatever you want, it doesn't matter—in the credits for Dethalbum III, he thanked skwisgaar's fingers, and his only plans for vacation post-album release were watching skwisgaar play guitar. he's got a problem. (this also goes into my and nyoom's theories about them all having jack-off songs, spawned from her fic "Sensual Playback", don't worry about it, it's not important right now.)

2- the gathering room of klokateers/full dethstaff meetings. uh. that's just. well.

how do you want me to take this anon? do you want me to be serious about this? do you want me to tell you how i've considered the possibility that toki just got as far the fuck away from the photos of his parents as he could and this is where he ended up? because that's my only theory for this. (this does also just sort of go with the fact that most of the walls in mordhaus look like this. it could be ANYWHERE. consider the gathering hall to just be a catch-all for, toki just being a little freak.)

moving swiftly on...

3- the bathroom thing is way more complicated than it should be, and here's why: there's a public/staff bathroom. we see it most prominently when they're all drinking bleach together, and it could very well be there. you mentioned this shower scene specifically:

and that scene is also near identical to murderface's own shower scene when he was scared of being gay (we even see more of the public bathroom in the background):

that would make sense, i guess. BUT—it's implied they all have their own bathrooms, right? pickles and murderface both do, anyway:

not sure why murderface would shower in the public bathroom when he's having his gay panic and you'd think he'd want to be as far away from naked men as possible, but that's not my business.

side note: i just noticed for the first time that murderface took his shorts all the way off to take a shit, but left his demonias on. this man i stg—

i find it hard to believe toki also wouldn't have his own bathroom. i'm not sure if this scene is meant to be in the public bathroom or either murderface's or skwisgaar's, but it's also something to consider:

though, as i'm writing this, i'm coming to a realization that maybe they did all have their own bathrooms prior to the attack on mordhaus. i completely forgot they renovated the whole place. they might have gutted their personal bathrooms and replaced it with a public one, which is why all the showers and bathtubs seem to be there. the shower that toki's in might have been either his own, or a public one that was later expanded after the renovations. either way, i'm positive it's a public bathroom and not one that toki would have had, and i think that for one major reason:

toki's bedroom is so super tiny. especially compared to nathan's or william's bedroom. his bed is small and snug, also. i think he's never really needed anything that big for himself. he grew up extremely deprived and abused, just having anything that was truly his own was all he'd ever wanted. plus, maybe having to sleep in a massive space all by himself might've triggered his memories of being forced to stay alone in the punishment hole for days on end. of course, that's not to say toki doesn't love excess, but given how small his own bedroom is, i don't know where he would even be able to have his own private bathroom.

not to mention, in aotd, we see he doesn't like to go to the bathroom alone. sure, he's regressing in that moment, but i still don't think he likes to be alone, if he can help it—hence the stuffed animals and pictures of his parents (regardless of how creepy they are, at least he's not alone when they're staring at him).

i think that's my thesis of the whole thing, actually. toki's not being a creepy lil guy on purpose, i don't think. i just think he doesn't wanna jack off in front of his parents, but he also has hang-ups about being alone, so he goes to random places around mordhaus. it's not a kink thing, i'm like. 99% sure. i just think he's still trying to figure out how to be comfortable with himself.

plus, the boys were all ready to suck their own dicks together in the same room. i really don't think any of them would consider it all that weird, so long as toki himself doesn't act weird about it.

[zombeh]

Idk if you're into skwistok (I assume yes bc of your background image) but the combination of your two previous drawings imply the funny possibility of either 1. Skwisgaar and Toki sexting eachother through online messaging with either one or both being completly unaware who the other person is or 2. Despite the fact that two of them are in the same house and could easily just meet up they choose to sext eachother instead (Probably a fetish thing tbh)

I'm excited you thought about this because while the posts were intentionally made to look related; they're actually different scenarios. Toki found out about the belt thing via skwisgaar mentioning it and uses it to degrade submissive subjects online occasionally.

If Skwis were to happen upon Toki's open laptop and see these messages he'd probably say something like "i cames up with leathers belt around throat why you copies me" argument ensues, no one comes to the reasonable conclusion of just indulging with each other. Which won't happen anyway because Skwisgaar thinks Toki's fantasies are "fuckings weird, dude"

Skwisgaar is too proud to submit to most anyone, especially not Toki, God forbid. So it'd be nigh impossible to get him that position. But Toki does flip back and forth between wanting to control Skwisgaar and wanting to BE him. Hence why he uses Skwis' self admitted sexual escapades as sexting material.

But also... If you notice the other party Toki is sexting is replying very few and far between with short phrases. This is at Toki's request. Skwisgaar isn't a good texter due to his dyslexia and somewhat poorer english. If the person Toki was messaging was typing back full sentences it'd be impossible to pretend it's Skwisgaar.

All this to say, I really like your vision here and you can interpret anything you please off my art, of course I just had to make it a game of total 4D chess lol. Thanks for the ask!

[thrill-kill-kult]

Wrote a lot of stuff about the Skwistok relationship dynamic in the universe of my fic, Tell All.

Trigger warnings for general Toki storyline stuff, dysphoria and body image issues, and implied sa. Idk they got shit going on. Also there’s some light nsft talk about their sexual dynamic.

Skwisgaar is really insecure about her body, and Toki doesn’t get it at all. He thinks she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, and it ought to mean something that it comes from someone who could probably have any woman he wanted.

She’s mostly insecure about her more masculine features that she feels like she doesn’t really have control over. She has a lot of bottom dysphoria and plans to get bottom surgery, and like she realistically can whenever she wants to, but surgery scares her and perhaps more than that, the thought that she won’t like the results.

Toki gets it, and he also thinks her bulge is cute and like if it were anyone but him, Skwisgaar probably would be upset to have that part of her body noticed, but Toki’s so genuine about it and also like it feels different because he’s also trans and she knows he doesn’t think her body’s abnormal or weird.

Toki’s honestly just very much the king of body neutrality in some respects. It’s something he has to do consciously for himself, because he can be really self conscious of his scars and of being trans, and knowing that the whole fucking world sees those parts of him. He works really hard tho on finding peace with the fact that like, this is the body he has and there’s no point in being so critical of the very thing that has gotten him through life thus far.

At the end of the day sometimes Skwisgaar just needs him to remind her that like the body she has is the one that she’s lived in her whole life and like while it allows her to do amazing things with the guitar and has basically made her a sex goddess, she’s also allowed to feel shitty about it and just like. There’s nuance to be had about idk the horrific human experience of having a body. And no matter what Toki really truly loves her, not just because of her body but because of who she is and what she means to him.

I’ve always thought their relationship starts sexual and becomes romantic from there, and I also think like Toki has always been in love with her, whereas Skwis had to develop those feelings (really she just has to work past a lot of her own issues). Sex between the two of them is really gender affirming for them both tho esp compared to sex with groupies, and it kind of spoils casual sex for both of them (though far more for Toki).

Toki is very much a service top and more than anything he likes knowing he can make Skwisgaar feel good. Have I mentioned he is head over heels in love. He takes great pride in the fact that he can make her blush. Sex with her isn’t a means to an end, but it’s about intimacy and closeness.

Skwisgaar has a hard time dealing with all her feelings about this bc sex has kind of just become meaningless to her and it can range from like something she does because she likes the power it gives her to like an active form of self harm, and she isn’t prepared for how meaningful sex with Toki is. They have so much common ground because they understand what it’s like to be trans and to constantly be in the public eye and they are closer to each other than probably anyone else, and that also makes things fucking terrifying for Skwis because she’s not used to being cared about.

Part of what makes it so terrifying too is that Toki isn’t just done with her after sex, he wants to cuddle and pillow talk and fall asleep with her. She’s not used to being valued as anything more than a sex object and she instinctively pushes back against this because she‘a afraid Toki could end up having ulterior motives and stop treating her well if she doesn’t ’give him what he wants’. This also means it takes her a long time to really understand that he doesn’t ever expect sex from her, and she is ‘allowed’ to say no when she doesn’t want to have sex.

Their relationship has to get more healthy (at least, to the point that the rest of the band knows and they’re not hiding it) before Toki really lets himself be willingly vulnerable with Skwisgaar in return. It’s like a big deal that he eventually lets her take control and touch him in a sexual context. Some of it is about dysphoria but a lot of it is about control because he’s really afraid to be like sexually submissive to someone else. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, but he has a lot of fear about letting somebody touch his body in a position where he’s vulnerable.

I think he gets better about this prior to doomstar requiem, but afterwards they go like far past back to square 1. For some time after he struggles even with just being touched in nonsexual contexts because he’s so afraid of it ending in pain. He goes between desperately needing to be touched and violently shoving people away, and it strains his and Skwisgaar’s relationship a lot.

When they do start having sex again, Toki disassociates a lot. He goes back to the room with Magnus, and even when his mind comes back, he can’t get rid of the feeling that he’s dirty and Skwis won’t want him if she knows everything Magnus did. Things don’t really get fixed between them until Toki is willing to talk about what happened.

[toki-is-the-king]

Skwistok short story:

Summary: kinda fucked up one shot about Toki beating up Skwisgaar after an argument but Skwisgaar likes it.

Rating: Mature

TW: violence, sexual mentions, PTSD, blood, age regression and past trauma/abuse

(Also I do not sexualize age regression and I myself have it as a coping mechanism. The mentions in this story are brief, but implied that Toki is age regressing on and off due to flashbacks and isn’t sure how to handle his adult feelings as they come and go and overall he just wants comfort).

“Skwisgaar?”

There was a knock at his closed bedroom door and then it was pushed open before Skwisgaar could even answer. Skwisgaar sighed at hearing Toki’s voice. Toki was always barging into his room unwelcome, and it was one of Skwisgaar’s biggest pet peeves. All of the guys did it, but Toki was the most frequent. He valued his space and solitude that Toki was always infringing on.

Toki stood in the doorway, hugging his deddybear in one arm, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He headed towards the bed, where Skwisgaar was sitting hunched over, fiddling with his guitar, because what else is there to do at midnight? Sleep? Fuck that.

“Cans I comes into yous room?” Toki asked, sitting on the foot of the bed.

Skwisgaar wasn’t even phased by this anymore because Toki never waited for the okay to come in.

“Oh ja, makes yous’selfs at homes I guess, whys not just moves in at this point, ehh? Since yous ams alreadys t’inks this ams you’s room too.” Skwisgaar huffed, sarcastically, squinting his eyes at Toki as in irritation.

Toki lacked the ability to understand sarcasm most times and his eyes widened in surprise, “oh, wowee, so I’s can sleeps in here now?”

Skwisgaar flicked an eyebrow up, crossing his arms, “no, Tokis! You’s ams snores too loud and punches me in yous sleep! And dats ams…kind of gay for you’s to sleeps with me.”

Toki frowned, hugging his deddybear tighter to his chest, watching intently as Skwisgaar strummed his guitar. “But you’s said I moves in!”

“I ams being sar-caskics, Toki! You’s ams such an idiots! You nevers understands de perfactly clear anglish I says to you.”

Toki looked like he might sock Skwisgaar in the mouth or start crying but Skwisgaar just stared at him, pausing his guitar session for a split second before turning his attention back to plucking the strings.

“But I has a nightmares!”

“Bigs deals! You ams making mes lives nightmares right now and I’s not even asleep!!”

“Please, Skwisgaar! I nots asks you for anything else ever again, please!”

Toki’s tendency to raise his voice and whine the more distressed he became was also another one of Skwisgaar’s pet peeves, he needed to make a list of them. They were both such polar opposites when it came down to it and it was to some a mystery how they were such close friends.

“Eugh! Fines! Just shuts you’s mouths already!

Toki instantly stopped screaming and went back to watching Skwisgaar play the guitar. He was always pleased with himself when his tantrums got him what he wanted. They didn’t always work on Skwisgaar but when they did, he felt a sense of power. Toki waited a few minutes before jumping up from the bed, ignoring the irritated glare from the older man.

“I be’s right back, don’t’s goes to sleep!” Toki pleaded, and the blond just rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, nots likes I cans now, you ams gives me what’s am called a migraine.”

Toki smiled and left the room. Skwisgaar prayed to the gods that Toki would get distracted and not return so he could keep practicing guitar, but within seconds he was back again, with an armful of stuffed animals and the blue comforter from his bed.

“What ams all this shit you brings into mines room, Toki?”

“I cants leaves dem in mines room they ams scared!”

“They ams not evens real…”

Toki scowled and dumped the pile of stuffed animals onto Skwisgaar’s bed, then climbed in beside them.

“Yes they is real and theys gonna sleeps with us.”

Skwisgaar frowned. “Dat ams so gay.”

“No it’s not! This ams metal!”

Skwisgaar couldn’t hold in his laughter, and it only seemed to make Toki angrier. Before he knew it, Skwisgaar was on the floor and in a daze as Toki glared down at him, deddy bear in hand.

“Toki dids you reallys just hits me with that stupid toys for babies?”

“Stops makings fun of me I hates when you does this!”

Skwisgaar rolled his eyes again, “I stops makings fun of you when yous stops beings a baby.”

Again Skwisgaar found himself being whacked in the face, fucking backhanded by the younger man, and it knocked him back down, flat on his back like a little bitch. It was alarming how quickly Toki could go from sweet and calm to a raging beast. Skwisgaar was usually never too phased by this either, he could handle himself and usually had the upper hand, being taller and older, the one in control; taunting Toki and making him angrier, reveling in the power he felt whenever he could get on Toki’s nerves. Toki was so easy going that sometimes Skwisgaar enjoyed seeing the younger man explode in anger or frustration while at the mercy of his hands. But this time was different and though Toki’s face was hot and red and he was breathing hard and heavy through gritted teeth, something in his eyes didn’t match his actions. It made Skwisgaar feel…bad. Fuck. He never felt guilty for being a dick before.

“Tokis…” Skwisgaar began, but Toki just shoved him when the blond tried to regain a sitting position.

“No! Fucks you! You always makes fun of me and calls me names and I’s sick of it! I thoughts we’s friends what’s cares about each other!”

Usually Skwisgaar would smirk or say ‘so what’s?’ but underneath the surface of anger, there was hurt and Toki almost looked close to tears the way he was contorting his face and clenching his jaw. Before either of them knew it, Toki was on top of the older man, hands around his throat like he wanted to squeeze the life out of him. He could if he wanted to. Killing Skwisgaar would be like snapping a twig. Toki kept his hands clasped firmly, hearing the other struggle to breathe as the air was choked out of him, and it made Toki want to keep squeezing Skwisgaar’s wind pipe until the man was almost dead. There was something so satisfying to Toki about seeing the famous lead guitarist try to fight and claw his way out of his grip, being in complete control for once. Having this much power where he was usually so powerless. The strained whimpering noises coming from the blond only made Toki want to slam Skwisgaar’s head against the floor to show him who’s boss, and maybe he wanted to make Skwisgaar cry, because everyone always made Toki cry and he was so fed up with being treated like dumb kid, but honestly he still felt like one: a clueless useless kid no one loved. Toki wanted to hurt the other man for making him feel this way. Break his bones and make him feel ashamed. Make him feel less than shit. He wished he hated him so he could destroy him. But Toki couldn’t do it, he wasn’t that evil, just feeling betrayed and belittled, having a flashback, he soon realized, of a time he was tortured by his father. Maybe he didn’t feel this rage towards Skwisgaar, and was just taking it out on him.

When Toki felt Skwisgaar’s body begin to go limp, he released his hands from around his throat and tossed him on his back, but spit in his face for one final act of disrespect.

The two of them laid beside each other, panting and in shock, Skwisgaar more so than Toki; the blond was lucky to be alive and survive with only some bruises and bloody nose. He felt sick from the adrenaline rush, and sexually aroused. He wasn’t one who liked to be dominated, especially by Toki, but he was hard. His boner was only a short lived distraction from the pain he was in after being thrown around. Toki probably wasn’t aware of Skwisgaar’s weird kinks like being choked until passing out, so Skwisgaar just kept quiet for a few more minutes, wiping blood and saliva from his face, lying perfectly still as to not set Toki off again.

Why the fuck did he like that? And why the fuck was he hoping Toki would beat him up again? Skwisgaar wasn’t sure what to think or say but then he noticed Toki sitting up, grabbing for his bear again and clinging to it like a life preserver.

“Ams you crying?” Skwisgaar asked, trying to say this is as delicately as possible and not like a dick, but he’s too blunt for his own good.

“No’s! Ams not crying just sits here…”

“Uh…Ja, Tokis, that ams crying, what’s whens de tears in yours eye.”

“Shuts up!”

Skwisgaar tried to tell Toki to shut up, but gasped instead, his hand flying up to hold his face and rub at the stinging sensation on his cheek. He looked just as surprised and taken aback as Toki did after slapping him. The red mark on Skwisgaar’s cheek looked painful to the touch and Toki couldn’t express any of his frustration or feelings at the moment. He was so angry and so hurt, why did Skwisgaar always say mean things to him? Why was he so cold to him some days and others was so fond of him? Why did he love Skwisgaar despite all of this? It was so fucking gross and too overwhelming and it didn’t make any sense.

Toki set his bear down and yanked Skwisgaar into a rough and messy kiss, their spit and Skwisgaar’s blood making for a sloppy and painful make out session, Skwisgaar wincing and moaning in discomfort whenever his nose was bumped or his face was touched. It only bled worse the more Toki kissed him, but the blood didn’t bother him and he just wanted Skwisgaar to know he was sorry. Toki hated that he couldn’t control his temper but it was more than just that. He didn’t know how to deal with his childhood. It always followed him wherever he went, hovering like a dark cloud in the background of every situation and conversation he was a part of. No one else really understood it either. Toki did recognize, after he began to recollect his thoughts, that maybe it was triggering to him whenever people, even if they claimed to be joking, made fun of him or mocked him, pushed his buttons purposefully, didn’t respect him. Anytime it happened he was a little kid again being abused and verbally degraded. He lost all control in those moments and now Skwisgaar’s face and neck were bruised and bloodied and Toki frowned in shame. Being the stronger of the two, Toki pulled Skwisgaar closer to him, both now laying on the hard floor of the bedroom, neither saying a word. The brunette mumbled an apology, kissing the back of Skwisgaar’s head and his bruised neck as he held him, his deddybear somehow making its way back into Toki’s arms, wedged in between with Skwisgaar.

“dette er så homofil, Toki…”

“faen deg, Skwisgaar…you’s gay…”

Skwisgaar chuckled quietly, turning onto his side to face Toki, wincing from the beating he’d just received but dismissed it.

“…maybes…but onlys for you.”

Toki cocked his head to the side slightly, searching for any signs Skwisgaar was fucking with him to get revenge for nearly snapping his neck moments earlier, but there was only sincerity in the other man’s eyes, and Toki could feel his own welling up with tears again just from the way Skwisgaar was looking at him. He’d never looked at him like this before. Like he loved him.

“Skwis…ams…”

“Shh. I knows Toki. I knows.”

Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around the younger man, helping him to sit up, leaning him against the bed.

“You knows…if you’s wants to sleeps in here tonight’s…or any other nights…I maybes don’t mind…just keeps the punchings and beatings to a minimums, ja?”

Toki sniffled, nodding, shamefully peering up from where he sat on the floor, curled up in a ball with his deddybear. So helpless and exhausted, feeling lost in his own body and mind. He felt too young to be this fucked up.

“I would likes that…Ja, I promiskes no more beatings you up…”

Skwisgaar helped the younger man into bed, grabbing a tissue for his nose bleed, hoping it wasn’t broken because fuck, he liked his nose, and sat down beside Toki, who was already snuggling into the warmth of the comforter.

“And Tokis…”

“Ja..?”

“I didn’t says you cants chokes me or beats me, just…nots all de time, heuh?”

For once Toki felt he understood what Skwisgaar was hinting at, and it made him feel only slightly less terrible for losing his temper like that. He and Skwisgaar fought all the time, he’d just never beat him up like this before. It felt wrong and what if it made him just like his dad? His dad beat him up all the time. Toki hoped it didn’t mean he was like his dad… He needed to sleep.

“Gets some rest, huh? You needs it for tomorrows when you does you’s crappy guitars playing.”

“Oh fucks you my playing ams good!”

“Ah…we cans debates about dat…laters…”

Skwisgaar was too exhausted to argue and really didn’t think his body could withstand being a punching bag again, even though it did get him horny, but he wasn’t saying that a second time tonight.

Instead of insulting him further, Skwisgaar took it as his chance to regain some dominance and pulled the younger to his chest, letting him rest his head there while he tried to get comfortable. This was too gay for words so Skwisgaar wasn’t going to say anything, and tomorrow they’d probably both pretend this hadn’t happened. Or maybe they wouldn’t. Who knows. But it felt good to be together and the empty lonely feeling that Skwisgaar usually felt at this time of night was gone and he was at peace with himself and with Toki in his arms.

“I hates you Skwisgaar…”

“Ja. I hates you too, Toki.”

[dylan-blake9]

Chapter 2 of 'Where do we go from here?' Is out!! I posted Chapter 1 on A03 awhile ago but I FINALLY decided to revive it 🤣🤣😭

I'm honestly already looking forward to writing chapter 3 so let's gooooooo!!

The link posted above takes you to Chapter 1 because I never bothered to tell anyone on here that I posted it! I hope y'all kinda like it 💚✨

[basu-shokikita]

Kloktober 2023 Day 25

Campfire or left in the cold

Since Dethklok were already canonically abandoned in the snow, I decided to go for campfire today. For some reason, I couldn’t stop picturing Nathan and Skwisgaar at the campfire so that’s what you’re getting! They’re one of my favorite Dethklok relationships after all :)

“Okeys, starts askings de questionks, go, go go!” Skwisgaar rubbed his hands in expectation. 

“Okay, okay…” Nathan narrowed his eyes at his phone screen. “If you could be an animal, what would you be?”

Skwisgaar replied instantly. “A dragons, you!”

“Maybe like Godzilla or something…” Nathan said, in deep thought. “Godzilla is fucking brutal.” He returned his eyes to the screen. “What has made you laugh until you cried?”

“Whens…” Skwisgaar was already giggling at the memory. “Whens Moidaface tripped with dogs shit, den a bananas, then his hair caught fires, then brokes his nose...when he diveds in a pools.” He shut his eyes, body shaking from laughter.

Nathan chuckled. “That was fucking awesome. I guess that’s mine too.” He stared at the screen again. “Favorite TV Show?”

Some hours ago, Skwisgaar had suggested to Nathan to get fucking plastered, a suggestion Nathan would never turn down. They decided to get booze without the Klokateers and, on their way back from the store, they got lost in the woods.

Luckily, they had found a small campfire that Charles had set all across the place in case any Dethklok member would ever get lost, they could be safe and warm. Charles had told them to stay there and wait to be picked up. And while they waited, well…that booze wasn’t going to drink itself. 

Skwisgaar especially was giving Nathan a fight for his money with that bottle of rum, which was impressive considering Nathan was the one that got a liver transplant due to this extreme alcohol consumption. 

While neither of them was normally too talkative, alcohol made them more chatty. Thus, they were now playing the 20 questions game with each other. 

“Uhh….a fact about the last person you kissed…” Nathan asked reluctantly, like he wasn’t sure he was reading it right. 

“He ams a stupid dildos.” Skwisgaar answered way too fast. 

Nathan blinked. “He?”

“She,” Skwisgaar belatedly corrected. “She ams…stupids…” He frowned at the fire and took another gulp of rum. 

Nathan thought it was weird that Skwisgaar seemed bitter, he didn’t seem like the type to even remember his partners. Not that he cared. “Mine had huge boobs and was super hot. Next question…most traumatic exper-let’s skip that. What’s the last text you received?” 

Wordlessly, Skwisgaar pulled up his phone and opened the messaging app. He raised both eyebrows for a second before his expression turned neutral again. “You ams a colds unfeelingks monsters.” He read, impassively. 

“Woah.” Nathan chuckled. “That’s brutal. Who sent that?”

“Toki.” Skwisgaar said before tucking his phone back in his pocket. 

“Oh.” That was considerably less brutal. “Did you guys fight?”

“He ams just being a big babies as usualsk.” Skwisgaar rested his face on his hand, seemingly done with the conversation.

“Right…” Nathan scrolled down his own messages. “The last message I got was from Charles saying we needed to stay put, so…” He opened the image again and cleared his throat. “Last awkward situation you found yourself in?”

Skwisgaar snorted. “When Pickle walkeds into me and Toki-” His half-lidded gaze suddenly turned wide-eyed. “P-Playings wif our swords- I means guitars! We were playingks wif our guitars!”

Nathan wasn’t sure if he had drank too much and was starting to hallucinate things but something was starting to be really odd about Skwisgaar’s answers. If anything, this was currently his most awkward situation. “Okay, let’s move on…have you met the person you fell hardest for?”

“Noes!” Skwisgaar yelled. “Noes, I hasn’ts! I don’ts do dat! I don’ts falls for peoples evors!” As if to emphasize this, he took a pretty long swig of his bottle and finished it.

Yeah, he was going to ignore that too. He was definitely going to ignore it. “Yeah, that’s a no for me too…” He mumbled to himself before moving to the next question. “What’s a secret you haven’t told anyo-”

“Nethans, ams you questioningks me?” Skwisgaar stood up and gave him an accusing glare. 

“What?” Nathan grimaced. “No? What the fuck are you talking about, I’m just reading these stupid questions!” He looked back at his phone. “Next question says: talk about your ex.”

“I don’ts has an ex!” Skwisgaar exclaimed in frustration.

“That’s what the game says!” Nathan replied, just as frustrated.

Puffing, Skwisgaar sat back down on the tree trunk. The crackling of fire filled the silence between them. “Sorries.” He said after a while.

Nathan stared at him with vague, intoxicated concern. “Are you okay?” 

“Ams dat a games questionks?” Skwisgaar said, gaze half-lidded again. 

“Uh…” Nathan glanced at his phone. “Yeah.”

Skwisgaar kept his eyes on the fire, lip quivering. “Noes…” He let out quietly.

Nathan pretended to read from the image on his phone. “Why…are you not…okay?”

Skwisgaar sighed, covering his face with his hands. “I thoughts I didn’t cares about somethings…but I does…and it sucks.”

He might have had too much to drink, because it was making him sad to see Skwisgaar so dejected. “What happened?” After a pause, he added. “That’s also a question here.”

His friend chuckled. “I…has an argskuments with somebodies….” He lowered his hands, frustrated at himself. “I knows! Soes fucking stupids. Ams I a goil? Pfft.”

Nathan waited and waited, but when Skwisgaar didn’t say anything else, he insisted. “And?”

“Ands…” Skwisgaar blinked slowly at the fire, like he couldn’t comprehend what he was feeling. “Ands I misses dat idiots.”

“So, go and tell that person that.”

Skwisgaar winced. “I can’ts.” 

“Uh, why?”

“He-she wants somethings whats I cant’s give hims…I means her.” Skwisgaar mumbled and buried his face in his legs.

In turn, Nathan took several gulps of his whiskey bottle, because he really was going to need it to listen to Skwisgaar’s half-baked confession. He exhaled loudly, the alcohol burning his insides. “And what is that?”

Skwisgaar didn’t move for several seconds. “Loves.” He finally said, voice muffled.

Seriously? That was it? Love?! Nathan squinted at Skwisgaar in disbelief. “The way I see it, you don’t seem to be having problems with that.”

Confused, Skwisgaar raised his head. “...What you means?”

Nathan stared into Skwisgaar’s eyes, a bit exasperated to have to spell it out for him. He was never the best with words, but Skwisgaar was even worse. “Egh, I mean that what I’m hearing is that you……love this person, Skwisgaar. Your problem is that you don’t want to admit it.” He drank more whiskey. “That’s it.”

Skwisgaar looked at him like he had invented the atomic bomb, or something. “I alreadies…?”

Nathan saw a bush move and he stood up instinctively before recognizing the Klokateer uniform. Oh, right, they were waiting to be picked up. 

“Sir!” The Klokateer waved his hand, and another one came running behind. “Where’s-”

“He’s right here.” Nathan pointed at Skwisgaar, who still seemed to be in a state of semi-shock. “Hey, Skwisgaar,” He nudged his shoulder. “They came to get us.”

Skwisgaar didn't react.

Very quickly, the Klokateers reached them, covering them in blankets and giving them hot chocolate. A monitoring Charles spoke with them on the phone. The Klokateers said something about wolves and bears being in the area, though Nathan didn’t really listen, instead focusing on putting some whiskey on the beverage before drinking it. That was really good.

On the way back to Mordhaus, Skwisgaar didn’t say a word, just held the chocolate awkwardly, some drops spilling on his blanket but he didn’t seem to care. When they finally arrived to their house, though, Toki was waiting at the entrance, an anxiety-riddled expression on his face.

“Nethans,” He said, mildly relieved, though his eyes were still searching. “Where’s- Oh!” He ran to Skwisgaar, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. It was nothing out of the regular, really, Toki had always gravitated more towards Skwisgaar out of all Dethklok members.

After the conversation he had with Skwisgaar, however, Nathan couldn’t help but feel like there was something different. As Toki said unintelligible things to Skwisgaar, the latter gazed at Nathan. He hadn’t quite recovered from everything but he nodded at Nathan.

Nathan nodded back at him before he went back to his room to rest. It wasn’t until he had laid on his bed that he realized he was smiling.

Skwisgaar never said thanks outloud. 

[okietokiee]

Skwistok Copacabana AU where Rockso owns a nightclub called Coke-a-cabana and Toki is a popular dancer there and Skwisgaar is the bartender/occasionally plays the live music,,,,,,,,, Magnus is Rico,,,,, 

[bjornkram]

ghost swiss (or monster mouth), demon toki, or harpy pickle!!

Hes waiting in the tunnel for Toki. Too bad they aren’t gonna kiss cause Skwisgaar is gonna kick his metaphysical ass for making him wait.And then they’re gonna kiss a whole lot

[twigg96]

Kloktober Day 22: Ladies Night

Hey guys!! Here to drop off another fic for Kloktober!! Is it angst? Yep... But I promise the next fic will be fluffier and maybe a little spicy. Ok? Ok.

The Extent of a Mother’s Love:  

Rating: T+

Warnings: Creator chose not to use any

Category: M/M

Fandom: Metalocapyse

Relationships: SkwisTok, Nickles 

Characters: Rose Explosion, Serveta Skwigelf, Stella Murderface, Molly the Mother, Anja Wartooth, Nathan Explosion, Pickles the Drummer, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth, William Murderface, Charles Foster Offdensen  

Additional Tags: Mommaklok, Married Couple, Married SkwisTok, Engaged Nickles, The mommas have a therapy session, Implied Trauma, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied Learning Disabilities, Childhood Trauma, Trauma, PTSD, I’m not entirely sure they’ll be able to recover but this is a good starting point, Fluff and Angst, Just some worried Mommas

Summery: 

With only a month to Nathan and Pickles' wedding, their mother's decide to come help make some final last minute decisions and preparations. After all is said and done. The five mother's hunker down to relax and talk about their sons. But, when Molly starts to say things about Nathan that Rose can't stand to hear any longer, she snaps and insists they each share something personal, in order to save their friendship.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34657339