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ineverhadmyinternetphase · 6 years

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In My Way - Chapter 23

AO3 link, First Chapter

Genre: Chaptered. Actor!Dan AU, fluff, bit of angst, slow burn, getting together (eventually)

Summary: Fiction. Daniel Howell is 21 and Britain’s newest star. He’s just been cast in the much-anticipated film adaption of Last Man Standing, the popular teen fantasy novel with a huge fanbase hanging off his every tweet. In other words, Dan has made it big.

Phil Lester couldn’t care less. He’s a stressed out PHD student working part time at a bookshop while he struggles to get into post-production. He’s 26 and still lives in a tiny flat on the fifth floor of a building with a lift more broken than it is in use. He loves books, but he thinks big film adaptions screw with the plot too much.

Needless to say, Phil is less than impressed when Last Man Standing is getting filmed in his hometown. And he certainly doesn’t want anything to do with obnoxious, arrogant, so irritatingly perfect leading actor Daniel Howell.

Warnings: Swearing, Ace!Phil, Bi!Dan, slight a- and bi-phobia, discussions of sexuality

Word Count: 5000-6000 per chapter (ish)

A/N: I just wanted to say, before we get going with the chapter, thank you so much for 3000 kudos! That is crazy!! I never expected an ace fic to get this much love. Thank you to everyone who has read so far (and sorry for making you wait so long for this update) but I come bearing good news! I have now finished this fic!

The last chapter will go up on Wednesday, and the epilogue on Friday, and then this fic will be done ^_^ thank you for your patience with me!

Massive thanks to @agingphangirl for helping me out with this chapter, and of course to my lovely beta Meg @mecaka who's going to look this over for me ^_^

---

The week leading up to the premiere was nothing short of hell for Phil.

He started the week by having to head back up to Manchester, leaving Dan behind in London again, and Phil was really, really starting to hate having to say goodbye. Train stations were becoming an all too familiar surrounding, standing there in public staring at Dan longingly, unable to reach out and take him into his arms, having to make do with whispered goodbyes and promises to be back soon.

It was the last time, though, Phil reminded himself. The last time he’d have to make sure not to be publicly affectionate with Dan.

That was such a strange thought. Phil was still blown away sometimes that he even wanted this – for the first time in his life, he wanted to be with someone. The prospect of an actual relationship still terrified him when it reared up in its pure form, but then he just had to remember that it was only Dan, and everything felt ok again.

He would always want to be with Dan, he suspected. Everything was just easier to cope with when Dan was in the same room as him.

When Phil got back to Manchester, it was to an untidy flat that he’d left in a stress-muddled mess, notes for his PhD thrown about everywhere, and no food in his cupboards. Phil cursed his past self who hadn’t bothered to have any foresight past going back down to London and seeing Dan again, which had, of course, been his priority at the time.

It was a good priority, but now Phil was left in a mess again.

There wasn’t even any real point trying to tidy up – his viva was in four days’ time, that didn’t give him long to look over the rest of his notes and frantically try and prepare. This was the last time he’d ever need to work on something for his PhD, or education in general if he was able to get some work. In London, perhaps, if his tentative plans for the future somehow magically played out.

Phil bit his lip, recalling the rather strange conversation he’d had with Dan in relation to his possible idea of moving to London. It hadn’t gone anywhere near as well as Phil had hoped. Dan had been about to tell him something, Phil was sure, right before Tyler walked in, but – well, Phil had no idea what that might have been.

Some reason he had for not wanting Phil to move to London?

No, Phil tried to quench that doubt the minute it arose. Dan had made it clear enough he wanted Phil around him, and had told Phil more than once to quiet his insecurities surrounding that. Plus, Dan was actually planning to publicly announce Phil as his partner at the premiere in a week’s time – it was difficult to imagine anything more permanent.

Phil smiled at that image, pausing just before ordering takeaway for the night. He was caught somewhere between excited and terrified at thoughts of the premiere. On the one hand, he struggled through any kind of public event at the best of times, and this would be something quite different – a lot more spectacular than he was used to. Phil was really not the kind of person to attend premieres. He’d never in his life imagined he’d get there – although he’d always had an interest in the film industry, it was definitely from behind the scenes.

The idea of going to such a glitzy event on the arm of Daniel Howell himself sounded like it had to be happening to someone else.

But on the other hand, Phil knew Dan now – he knew what a lazy sod he could be, how Dan didn’t much like public affairs any more than Phil did, how they’d be leaning on each other to get through it. Plus, he would quite like to meet back up with Xander and Louise and the other people from the film set, the place he’d first met Dan, back when half of Manchester was clogged with the road closure.

Phil remembered how annoyed he’d been initially upon hearing the news of the set in his city, and grinned. That had changed rather drastically. And now, here he was, almost to the end of his PhD with the tantalising possibility of a shining future with Dan stretching out before him.

---

Two days before his viva, Phil met up with PJ for lunch. He hadn’t seen PJ in far too long, and he needed a distraction to quiet some of his greater nerves that were building more and more the closer it got to his final assessment. Plus, he really wanted to tell PJ about his and Dan’s plans for the premiere before they happened. The last thing Phil wanted was for PJ to read about him in a paper before Phil got the chance to talk to him.

PJ, it turned out, was busy himself packing up ready for moving to London. In all the excitement of his own life, Phil had almost forgotten about PJ getting his job down with the film company that Xander worked for, and so of course he was relocating.

Phil hoped to be joining him, if all went well. But he wasn’t sure how much to say for now. Everything felt so tentative still.

On the other hand, PJ was his best friend; they’d been close since their first term of uni. If there was anyone Phil could trust to confide in completely, it was PJ.

“So how’s packing going?” Phil asked, sipping at his coffee.

PJ swallowed his bite of sandwich and ran one hand through his curly hair. “Don’t even ask, seriously. I forgot how much stuff I have. And do you have any idea how expensive it is to hire removal vans to London?”

“I can imagine,” Phil agreed with a pained smile. “But you’ve got a place down there?”

“Yeah, not a great one but it’ll do.” PJ sent Phil a sly smirk. “Nothing like the place you’ve been crashing with Mr Daniel Howell, I suspect.”

Phil, much to his horror, felt warmth spreading up the back of his neck. “Hey. It wasn’t that flashy.”

That was a lie. Dan’s flat was pretty fancy, with his wage packet and Tyler’s combined they managed a pretty nice spacious place in the centre of London.

“Yes, well, mine’s barely bigger than a room and I’m lucky to have it,” PJ grumbled. “I hope you’ll come to visit me as well as that actor of yours, though, Phil.”

“Definitely,” Phil promised. “It’ll be weird without you here. Who am I going to drag out for lunch when I’m panicking next time?”

PJ fixed him with a soft, knowing look.

Phil shrank a little under that gaze.

“It isn’t just me in your life now, though, is it?” PJ asked smugly. “I called it, you know. When I saw how you were looking at him.”

Phil could feel the tips of his ears going red, heat still creeping up the back of his neck. “Was I that obvious?”

“Slightly.” PJ grinned at him. “I thought I must be seeing things at first though. Never seen you like that before.”

Phil half-smiled back. PJ knew him better than most – he was right, Phil hadn’t really acted like this before. Dan just… kind of came along and took over his world. Phil hadn’t been expecting that. If he looked objectively at the past few months of his life, he hardly even recognised himself.

But he felt good. Like he was moving forward. And he wanted to keep Dan around.

“About that, actually,” Phil began, his words getting thicker. “I, um. Maybe you won’t be the only one moving to London soon.”

PJ looked up, surprised, half-way through taking a bite of his sandwich.

“I’m thinking about it,” Phil admitted. “Maybe. Things with Dan, they’re – well, like you said, I haven’t really ever done this before. But they’re pretty great, if I’m honest.”

PJ grinned around his mouthful. “So you’re coming down too?”

“It’s something I’m thinking about,” Phil answered, nodding. “Quite seriously thinking about.”

PJ’s grin widened. He put down his sandwich and clapped Phil’s shoulder, harder perhaps than necessary. Phil’s shoulder ached. “That’s amazing! We’ll be a proper team, I’m glad, I need your help down South.”

“So you think it’s a good idea?” Phil asked a little shyly. “Me moving down too, I mean?”

PJ levelled him with a serious look. “I think that the fact you’re considering it is sign enough.”

Phil tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know you, Phil.” PJ was still looking at him seriously. “You don’t like change, you don’t like moving. You stayed close to home for a reason. So the fact you’re thinking about up and moving across the country – well, Dan must be pretty special.”

Phil bit his lip. The way PJ phrased that had nerves spiking back through him again, as if hearing so starkly just how drastic his plans were made him reconsider exactly what he was doing.

PJ caught the look and sent him a questioning stare. “Are you worried about it?”

“Well, a little,” Phil admitted. “It’s a big move. It’s kind of scary.”

PJ nodded, but he was smiling again. “Which is why the fact you’re even considering it tells me it’s a good idea. You’re ready for something new, mate. Have you thought about what you’ll do?”

Phil nodded slowly, remembering the research he’d done into editing companies, the bookmarks sitting unopened on his laptop, the emails sent and not yet answered. He had options. He had a favourite company all ready to call up, the one he’d told Dan about what felt like ages ago now. It wouldn’t take much to send off an application. He was qualified, he knew – or he would be, once his viva was out of the way.

The knowledge that his viva was only two days away sent nerves clenching in Phil’s stomach all over again.

But PJ seemed happy for him – and that was important. One more step in the direction Phil thought he wanted his life to take now. Not much longer and he could potentially have everything he’d once dreamed of.

If everything went well. If Dan really did want him to move down to London. If he wasn’t hiding anything.

But he couldn’t be. Phil would know.

---

“So I told Tyler the hot water isn’t running right because my shower was freezing this morning, and he completely blew up at me!” Dan’s tone was a familiar whine down the phone, keeping Phil company as he sorted through some of his extensive notes. Preparing for his viva had been driving him insane, so seeing the incoming call from Dan cheered him up no end.

He wondered if his heart would ever stop flipping over when he saw Dan’s name pop up on his phone screen.

“So what did he do to you?” Phil asked, amusement hiding behind his tone.

Dan huffed. “He didn’t do anything. He just told me that I should probably call the landlord if I had a problem.”

“I mean,” Phil said as blandly as he could, “You probably should.”

“Yes, but what if I don’t want to?”

“Not really a good enough excuse, is it,” Phil chuckled.

“You’re laughing at me.”

“Maybe a little.”

“Rude.” Dan huffed. “How was your lunch with PJ?”

“Nice. Good, actually.” Phil straightened up, leaning back against his bookshelf. “I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“Oh?” Dan sounded interested.

“Yeah. PJ’s getting ready to move, you know.” Phil fiddled with a pen lying on his desk. “Got a place in London.”

“It’s so good Xander liked him enough to hire him,” Dan agreed.

“Yeah.” Phil glanced at his desk, where his laptop still sat open on the email he’d drafted, a reply to the company he’d already expressed an interest with. His CV was attached. His portfolio was ready. All he had to do was click send.

But first—

“So PJ liked the idea of me possibly moving down there too.” Phil got the words out quickly, like nails through his teeth, a pool of nerves still tugging at his stomach.

There was a brief moment of silence.

“So it’s actually possible?” Dan started talking quickly, his words running together like they always did when he got excited. “You’re seriously thinking about it? And it wouldn’t be too far, your family – I always said I’m not going to take you away from them if you don’t want to, and your home’s up there, and—”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted firmly. “Do you want me to be in London?”

The answer was immediate. “Yes. Please.”

The words, simple as they were, were enough to calm the unsettling flutter swirling around in Phil’s stomach. He took in a breath, leaned over, and hit send on his computer. “Then I’m looking into making that happen.”

Dan drew in a sharp, excited breath. “Really? Like, actually, in real life, really?”

“Yes.” Phil bit back a grin. This was more the response he’d expected, more of what he wanted. Dan being excited, unafraid to show it (to Phil, at least) and full of eager ideas.

“Fuck, yes, you could stay with me and Tyler. If he ever stops grouching about the hot water. Or, actually, better idea, he can grouch so much he leaves and then you can just move in with me.”

“I don’t want to start this by kicking out your best friend,” Phil laughed, but he couldn’t deny the sharp little buzz starting to sing under his skin. The casual way Dan had said move in with me. Like it wasn’t even a question. Like of course they’d end up together.

“But the rest of it?” Dan wheedled. “How soon are we talking? Are you just going to stay here after the premiere?”

“I don’t think it quite works like that,” Phil answered with a grin still fighting its way onto his face. “I mean, I still have to pack up my stuff and somehow get everything down to London. Never mind I’d quite like to wait until I have confirmation of somewhere to work, I only just applied.”

There was a hesitant silence.

“You applied somewhere?” Dan’s voice was still excited, but more cautious. Phil supposed he was nervous on Phil’s behalf. “Where?”

“The place I told you about before.” Phil leaned over, read off the name of the person he’d contacted. “I literally just sent them my info. Keep your fingers crossed for me.”

“I will.” Dan’s voice had gone a little funny, maybe the reception was bad. “You’ll walk into it. With your reputation, how hard you’ve worked.”

“I don’t have a reputation yet.” Phil gave a cynical laugh. “But I have lots of official-sounding letters after my name, so maybe that will help?”

“I’m sure it will.” Dan still sounded subdued. “Tyler just got back, I’ll call you back later?”

“Sure.” Phil glanced back over to his abandoned viva notes, knew he really needed to go through them properly again. “Good luck with the hot water.”

“Thanks, I’ll need it,” Dan answered dryly, and then hung up.

---

In London, Dan stared at his phone for a couple more seconds before running in a panic into the kitchen, where he could hear Tyler unpacking some shopping.

Tyler took one look at his face and glared. “No, Howell, I am not calling the landlord about anything ever again, not after you swore it would be your turn next time!”

“I’ll do it in a sec,” Dan waved him away, pointing dramatically at the phone in his hand. “We have a situation.”

Tyler looked from the phone, to Dan, and back to the phone again. “You can’t have broken that too, surely.”

“No, no.” Dan flapped his free hand. “Phil.”

“The man you’re hopelessly in love with, yes,” Tyler agreed slowly, raising a brow. “What about him?”

“He’s coming to London.”

“Now?” Tyler looked surprised. “I mean, not that I’m complaining – I could do with more time to get his shirt fitting properly…”

“No, no, not now,” Dan spat, ignoring the tug in his chest that wished that were true. “Like, forever. In the future.”

Tyler looked at him blankly. “…I’m not getting the panic here.”

“He emailed them!” Dan’s voice was getting shrieky. He made Tyler flinch. “The company! The one you made me tell about him!”

Tyler blinked, still staring. But then his eyes widened in understanding.

“Exactly!” Dan’s tone was still much more high-pitched than it should be. His breathing was quick, panic clouding his thoughts, and none of his years of actor training could teach him how to calm down.

Tyler raised a hand, palm out. “Hey, woah, woah. I didn’t make you do anything, Howell.”

“You were there!” Dan ran a distressed hand through his hair. “You could have stopped me! Fuck, I knew it was an awful idea, I knew—”

“Wait,” Tyler said, eyes wide as he stared up at Dan. “Wait a minute, calm down. You said he emailed them, right? So does he know?”

Dan let out a panicked breath, fingers clenching in the hem of his baggy shirt. “I don’t know. He didn’t say.”

“Maybe he knows and just doesn’t care, then?” Tyler squeaked hopefully.

Dan let out a sardonic laugh. They both knew Phil well enough to know that couldn’t be true – they both knew that Phil wouldn’t just accept Dan putting in a good word for him without complaint. Phil was too fucking pure, had too much integrity. He wanted to get in of his own volition, manage his own progress, be completely assured that everything he did was from his own hard work. And he was good, he’d be able to go far.

But Dan had scuppered all of that for now, hadn’t he?

“Shit, I fucked up,” Dan half-whispered, his hand back in his hair and tugging, hard. “Shit. I shouldn’t have – I never should have done it.”

“You were acting in his best interests,” Tyler tried to placate him.

Dan levelled a glare his way. “We were.”

“Yes, yes, ok,” Tyler admitted, paling considerably. “Fuck, don’t tell him I had anything to do with this.”

Dan arched a brow. “Are you scared of him?”

“He’s way bigger than me!” Tyler bit his lip. “I don’t want to get punched.”

“Phil wouldn’t punch a beetle,” Dan disagreed, with wry experience. When Dan had found a bug in the bathroom once and promptly started screeching, Phil simply befriended it as he scooped it up and showed it to the door. “Besides, he’s going to be too concerned with yelling at me to do anything about you. And then never speaking to me again. Fuck.”

“It won’t be that bad,” Tyler reassured, even though he didn’t look particularly sure about it himself.

Dan looked back at him, not answering. The silence was heavy, and Tyler didn’t look convinced either, but Dan chose to believe his words, at least for now.

“It won’t be that bad,” Dan murmured, turning back to his room, and hoped with every bone in his body that it would be true.

---

The day of Phil’s viva, Phil was a shaking, trembling mess. But he got through it. Somehow, with a quick call to his mum beforehand where she told him to pull himself together, and a whole barrage of encouraging texts from Dan that blew up his phone to the point where Phil actually had to turn it off before he went in, Phil made it.

They tore his argument to shreds, of course, but (as much to Phil’s surprise as anyone else) his theory actually stood up to their inquisition. They liked it, he thought. At least, he left the room with a smile on his face, feeling more confident than he had in quite a long time.

And that was it. His education complete. All that was left was for him to receive his marks and then he’d be graduating.

Phil felt a strange, gaping sort of emptiness at that thought. The relief would come later, simmering deep in his bones, but it hadn’t quite sunk in yet. He was free. Endless time on his hands, freedom to do as he pleased.

The only thing still holding him to Manchester was his work at Lilith’s bookshop, and he hadn’t had the heart to tell her he’d be moving yet.

Never mind the fact that he didn’t actually know for sure if he was moving. No word back from the editing company he’d emailed yet.

Phil didn’t have a huge amount of time to mope, though, not when the premiere he was attending with Dan was happening this weekend. It left him with far too little time to pack, to clean up the mess that was his apartment after weeks of living among scattered notes and countless books, all preparing for his viva. Which was now done. He was free.

He could feel it starting to sink in as he set about clearing up his things, carefully tidying away all his notes back into his filing system (Dan used to make fun of his folders, calling him an old man. The memory brought with it a wave of fondness and the urge to send Dan a bunch of texts, which Phil followed through on even though he knew Dan was currently in a meeting with his agent). It felt strange, in part, to be packing up the last four years of his life into folders, but Phil didn’t feel as empty as he thought he would.

He may just have been too busy freaking out about the premiere, of course.

He passed the rest of the week in a blur of packing and panicked calls to Dan, during which Dan attempted to soothe him, and one very bizarre occasion where Tyler called him, saying he’d stolen Phil’s number from Dan, to have a very serious discussion about the pairs of shoes Phil owned. Turned out there was a lot to think about when wearing an outfit to a premiere.

The weekend rolled around too soon, and Phil felt horrendously unprepared, but he still got on the train and spent the entire journey on tenterhooks, eager to see Dan again.

Dan, of course, met him at the station, and greeted him with a quick but fervent hug before pulling back nervously.

“Hey,” Phil reminded him gently, leaning into his side. “Last time we’ll ever have to hide it, remember?”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, and sent him the sunniest, widest smile Phil had seen in a while. Phil’s stomach tugged. “True. That bit, I’m excited for.”

“Only that bit?” Phil teased mildly, letting Dan take a bag from him as they walked side-by-side out of the station. “Not the part where you’ll get to show off in front of a crowd of screaming fans?”

Dan shuddered. “Don’t remind me.”

“You’re the one dragging me to this thing, I hold every right to remind you.”

“Ok, first of all, you agreed to join me in this hell,” Dan reminded him, elbowing Phil’s side. “And secondly, you’re the only thing that’s going to make this bearable, so please kindly shut the fuck up.”

Phil, despite himself, snorted. “So polite.”

“As much as you deserve.” Dan elbowed him again, then took hold of his arm to lead him out of the station and to a waiting car.

Phil stopped, looked at it (it had blacked out windows) and then sent Dan a questioning look.

“Sorry.” Dan grimaced a little. “With the premiere coming up and all, interest has spiked a bit. It’s safer to travel this way.”

“Oh.” The cluster of nerves gathered in Phil’s stomach set alight again. He took in a breath. “OK. That’s fine. Yeah.”

“You sound anything but fine,” Dan chuckled, and then took his hand and led him gently forwards.

They put Phil’s bags in the boot and then climbed in the back, and the driver politely nodded to Dan before setting off. “Back to your flat?”

“Yes please, James,” Dan answered, and Phil held back a laugh at the uncomfortable look on Dan’s face. He knew enough of Dan now to believe that Dan disliked having a driver almost as much as Phil felt uncomfortable sitting on the fancy white leather seats.

The drive did give them an excuse to sit close and hold hands, though, which Phil wasn’t exactly complaining about.

When they got back, Tyler was in waiting for them and had cooked an extravagant meal. Phil was still a little scared of him, so clung close to Dan’s side from the moment they stepped in lest Tyler jump him with more questions about colours and styles and the way he wore his hair.

He couldn’t help but compliment Tyler on his cooking, though, after a few bites of the steak.

“It’s my dream to be a house husband one day,” Tyler sighed thoughtfully in response. “This is just practice for when I cook for my family every night.”

“You hardly ever cook for me,” Dan griped, leaning over Phil to get some water.

Tyler smiled at him sweetly. “That’s because, Howell, you’re an ungrateful lazy disaster of a human. You’re just lucky I like your boyfriend.”

Phil choked on his glass, but Dan just snickered.

“And you two had better keep it down tonight,” Tyler added seriously, sending both of them a sharp, knowing glance that instantly made Phil uncomfortable. “I know you must have missed each other, but no funny business, at least not loudly. I need my beauty sleep.”

“Oh, we won’t talk loudly past ten,” Phil assured him.

Tyler snorted. “Adorable. That’s not what I meant, Phil.”

Phil blinked for a moment, confused, and then his eyes went wide.

Dan was sitting beside him and reached over instantly, a reassuring hand on Phil’s knee and a calm voice as he said, “Shut the fuck up, Tyler.”

“I mean, I won’t blame you,” Tyler added, still tucking into his side salad. “A week’s a long time, you’ve missed each other, I get it, but I don’t need to hear any unnecessary noises, alright? No mental images that will scar me for life.”

Phil was politely choking through Tyler’s words. He cowered down in his seat so low he wanted to disappear, could feel the hot redness spreading across the back of his neck and to the tips of his ears.

He knew what Tyler was talking about. Or, at least, he thought he knew.

“Um,” Phil managed to squeak, and Dan sent him a sharp look.

Phil looked back. “Should we tell him?”

Dan couldn’t keep the surprise from his face, even as he schooled his expression into a calm, blank one. “That’s up to you, Phil. It has to be your decision.”

Phil bit his lip.

Tyler looked between them, confused. “You know, I’m getting used to you two speaking in your own language, but if this is about me…”

“Sorry,” Phil said quickly, flicking Tyler a glance. He still felt like his face was on fire. “Um. There’s something – I should maybe tell you.”

Tyler quirked a brow at him.

Dan squeezed Phil’s knee, leaning into his side. “You sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I – I want to.” Phil sat up a little, squaring his shoulders. “It’s not even that big a deal, it’s just – Tyler, you don’t, like, ever have to worry about those, um… noises. Like you were talking about.”

Tyler’s brow rose even higher.

“I’m asexual,” Phil blurted out, the word releasing something wound up tight in his chest. He swallowed past the nervous lump in his throat. “Um, so. That’s. Like, that’s – not a thing that’s ever going to happen?”

It came out more like a question. Why did it have to come out like a question?

Tyler was staring at him with his mouth open.

Dan, of course, came to the rescue. He leaned into Phil’s side but kept his gaze flickering back to Tyler, even as Dan nonchalantly continued eating his steak. He spoke between bites. “So yeah, you get your peace and quiet. Doesn’t mean you get to just walk into my room whenever you want, though, that rule still applies.”

Tyler blinked, finally. He was still staring at Phil. “You’re what, exactly?”

Phil floundered under that gaze. “Umm. Asexual. And sex-repulsed, for that matter, but like – mostly just asexual.”

Phil had done his research. He was more comfortable with his label now, and where he sat on it, but that didn’t really make saying it out loud any easier.

Tyler was still gawping at him.

“Close your mouth,” Dan told him, reaching for more salad.

Tyler promptly snapped his mouth shut, only to open it again a second later. “Asexual?”

The back of Phil’s neck was on fire. “Um. Yes.”

“Huh.” Tyler sat back, eyes still fixed on him. “Funny. I’ve never met one in real life before, I always just kind of assumed it was made up.”

Phil, despite himself, flinched. He didn’t know Tyler that well, true, but he hadn’t expected such avid confusion in his tone.

He should have expected it, though. He wasn’t normal. He knew this. Tyler’s reaction was just further proving it.

Dan, however, was looking at Tyler through a sharp-eyed glare. “Well, it isn’t. And now you have. So.”

Phil shrank in his seat.

Tyler closed his mouth again, looking between them still, from Phil’s determined slouch staring down at the table to Dan’s sharp glare that didn’t leave Tyler’s face.

Wisely, Tyler decided to change the subject.

“Ok, well…” he trailed off, still looking at Phil with something like confusion in his eyes. “Ok. That’s fine, I guess. Um. Both your outfits are laid out for tomorrow, put them on early so I can get started on your hair and make-up, alright?”

At that, Phil’s gaze snapped back up to Tyler, eyes widening. “What was that, sorry?”

Dan elbowed his side lazily. “Don’t worry too much. Tyler’s insistent, but he’s good.”

“Exactly, and I can’t let you go walking down that red carpet without looking stunningly attractive. Everyone’s going to want to have you.” Tyler paused a second. “Or, well – um. However you want to look. Either way, you’ll be hanging off Dan’s arm all night, I’m going to make you look like the perfect couple you absolutely are.”

Nerves curled up like ashes rekindling in Phil’s stomach at that mental image. Him and Dan before all those cameras, all those people watching him, judging him, and he had no doubt that not all of them would look upon him and Dan favourably.

He didn’t voice these thoughts until much later, after dinner was cleared and Tyler settled on the sofa while Dan and Phil retreated back to Dan’s room, the door shut, them sprawled out across the bed.

“It’s a big thing you’re doing, after all,” Phil confessed quietly into Dan’s neck, Dan’s fingers soothingly stroking over his back. “No one is going to look at us the same. What if people react badly? Twitter’s already crazy enough, but this is like, the actual newspapers and stuff. What if—”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Dan interrupted smoothly, his fingers pressing into Phil’s spine, “Before you freak me out more than I already am.”

Phil looked up, brow wrinkling apologetically. “Sorry. I don’t mean to do that, I’m just…” he sighed, rolling further into Dan’s body, concentrating on his warmth.

“Scared?” Dan finished for him, voice so soft it was barely a murmur. “Because that makes two of us.”

Phil winced. He reached out, arms wrapping around Dan, and rolled them until they were both on their sides, facing each other. He used one finger to gently trace down Dan’s cheek, pressing once where his dimple usually sat, and then cupped his face with his palm. “It’ll be alright. We’ll do it together, and afterwards, it’ll still just be us. That’s what you told me, remember? We’ll just be us.”

Dan’s brown eyes looked back at him, full of insecurity, but his grip tightened around Phil’s fingers. “You promise?”

“I promise,” Phil answered easily, and pressed a small kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth. “We’ll still be us, whatever happens tomorrow.”

Dan curled into him like a pretzel piece, long and gangly and he was definitely kneeing Phil in the stomach, but Phil dealt with it for the feeling of being able to wrap his arms tight around Dan and hold him close.

Phil clung to his own words as he closed his eyes. Dan would still be his come morning, come whatever happened after the premiere. Whatever people would think of him, some nobody hanging off The Daniel Howell’s arm. Dan would still be his, whatever people assumed. That would be enough to get him through tomorrow.

---

Despite all his reassurances to himself, Phil woke the next morning with a tight ball of nerves coiled in his stomach.

He went through the motions of getting dressed with his throat closing up and nausea roiling beneath his skin, tingling. One glance at Dan told him Dan was in a similar state, except Dan was better at hiding it – his face smoothed out impassively, hard-to-read. It wasn’t for nothing that Dan was such a successful actor at such a young age.

Dan helped Phil into his dark gold jacket and then wrapped his arms around him, just hugging him for a moment. “It’ll be fine. We’ve got this.”

Dan’s voice was steady, which was a reassurance, but Phil was still jangling with nerves as he turned in Dan’s embrace to face him. “Have we? Honestly? Because I don’t feel like I have a clue.”

“Oh, same,” Dan said, and laughed. “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but – but this will be so worth it, Phil.”

Phil bit his lip, took in a breath. “No more hiding.”

“No more hiding.” Dan leaned into him, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. “I just want to hold your hand on the street, why is this so hard?”

Phil gave a low chuckle. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and pulled him closer, pressing his face into Dan’s viciously straightened hair. “After today, it will be. Then you can hold my hand all you like.”

“I’m never going to let you go,” Dan answered determinedly. He still looked pale when he drew back, though, and Phil didn’t miss the taught thinness of his lips. Dan might be doing a good job of hiding it, but Phil could still see the nerves.

He leaned in and kissed Dan softly, eyes falling closed for just a moment. Dan melted against him in just the way Phil was growing used to, the way he missed most when he was alone in Manchester wrapped up in his bedsheets, and kissed back with a soft sort of desperation.

It was a long moment before Phil drew away, and then they turned to face the day together.

The hours passed all-too-fleetingly for Phil’s taste. He spent most of the day sat in a chair in the kitchen surrounded by products he had never heard of before (Tyler improvised the kitchen table into a make-up desk, complete with several mirrors that Phil tried to avoid looking into). Dan was by his side, grumbling at Tyler good-naturedly and every now and then prodding Phil with his foot when he wanted to get more attention, which Phil was happy to give even with the nerves that seemed to jump tighter and tighter with each passing minute.

All too soon, he was standing with Dan by the door with a car waiting downstairs, Tyler flitting about putting final touches to their looks.

Dan took both Phil’s hands in his in the last moment, turning Phil to face him. He looked beautiful like this, Phil admitted – Tyler had done a perfect, subtle job, and Dan was practically sparkling.

His eyes, though. His eyes were what drew Phil the most, dark and serious but lit with something that might just be excitement.

“You sure?” Dan asked, fingers tightening around Phil’s. “Now’s the time to back out.”

Phil swallowed. He stood up a little straighter, feeling awkward in his suit and with his face caked for the first time, but – but here he was at Dan’s side. Dan’s date to a film premiere.

Phil certainly hadn’t imagined this outcome the first time he came across Dan in rainy Manchester, however many moons ago that was. It almost felt like a different life.

He looked Dan right in the eyes and said, “I’m ready.”

Tyler cooed, breaking the moment, and Phil almost glared at him, almost.

Dan, however, just rolled his eyes and pulled Phil in for a careful hug. Phil leaned into him, breathing in his familiar smell, settling his nerves for the final time.

Dan opened the door, and they stepped out together.

The car was waiting downstairs, sleek and black just like the one that had picked them up from the train station. Phil was glad of the tinted windows the closer they got to the centre of town. The crowds outside the car were insane. Phil had been prepared, of course he had, he knew that going to something like this involved lots of people – he’d seen it on tv – but nothing had quite prepared him for the reality of it.

The reality of the cameras he could already see flashing outside the window, the rows and rows of people, and they weren’t even at the red carpet yet.

Dan, ever the attentive boyfriend that he was, slid his thumb across Phil’s fingers where their hands were joined in the back and leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder. “It’ll be quiet once we get into the actual cinema. It’s just the walking in that’s the nightmare.”

“The red carpet, you mean.” Phil’s voice came out sounding far more strangled than he’d expected.

“Yeah. That.” Dan managed a chuckle, somehow. Phil wished he knew where Dan found his calm from. “I’ll do all the talking, though, promise.”

“So I’m just here to smile and look pretty?” Phil did his best to sound affronted. “Is that all you want me for, Howell?”

“Yeah, totally, you’re just here to make me look good.”

“You don’t need any help with that.”

“Shut up.” Dan nudged him with his shoulder. “I’ll be talking about you, anyway. The whole time. Finally get to not shut up about you.”

Phil couldn’t hold back a smile at that. He leaned into Dan, letting out a soft sigh. “Am I really worth all this, Dan?”

Dan wrapped a long arm around Phil’s shoulder and brought him close into his chest. “You’re worth all of this and way more, Phil, and you know it. I’d turn my whole life upside down for you. Well,” Dan let out a soft chuckle, shaking his head, “You kind of did that yourself, actually.”

Phil sent him a curious look, nestling happily under Dan’s arm. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, like,” Dan flicked his hair out of his eyes and leaned into him. “I never imagined doing this. Always figured I’d keep as much to myself as possible, stay firmly at a distance, that sort of thing. But then you showed up and made me want to change it – like, you made me want to publicly bicker with you on Twitter and post photos of us everywhere and I really wasn’t expecting that. Never mind all of this,” Dan waved a hand irritably at the cameras flashing outside as the car edged closer and closer, “You made me feel something I never expected to. Pride. Pride in you, and, because you seem to like me, pride in myself, too. That’s what I feel the most right now, even if I’m quietly dying inside. I’m proud of us.”

Phil bit his lip, hard. He swallowed.

Then he leaned in and kissed Dan swiftly, on the lips, even when Tyler had warned them against doing that for fear of smudging their make-up.

When he drew back, Dan looked the best kind of startled.

“I love you,” Phil said, hurriedly. “The most. You know that, right?”

Dan let out a quiet laugh, but he squeezed Phil’s hand tight. “Yeah. Me too, Phil, fuck – you have no idea.”

“I have some idea,” Phil disagreed quietly, and squared his shoulders as the car rolled to a final halt. “You ready for this?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Dan drew away from him, turning to face him. “Did you smudge me?”

“No,” Phil answered (well, he couldn’t see anything out of place, even if he wasn’t an expert).

“Then let’s go.” Dan squeezed his hand one more time, turned, and pushed the door open, helping Phil out after him.

The sound of the screaming crowd was instantly overwhelming, closely followed by the brightest flashes of light Phil had ever seen. He squinted instantly, shielding his eyes, legs trembling with the fear that crept incessantly through his veins.

For an instant, he was frozen.

Then Dan was there, gently taking his hand, and Phil failed at resisting the urge to lean into him.

“We’ve got this,” Dan murmured to him, squeezing his fingers, and Phil swallowed and found his feet.

He nodded once, looking into Dan’s serious gaze, and summoned up a smile which Dan briefly returned.

Together, they stepped into the lights, hand-in-hand.

#phanfiction #phan fluff #phanfic #actor!Dan #student!Phil #iwritephanthings #inmyway #I have no self-restraint and I am posting now

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ineverhadmyinternetphase · 7 years

Text

In My Way - Chapter 22

AO3 link, First Chapter

Genre: Chaptered. Actor!Dan AU, fluff, bit of angst, slow burn, getting together (eventually)

Warnings: Swearing, Ace!Phil, Bi!Dan, slight a- and bi-phobia, discussions of sexuality

Word Count: 5000-6000 per chapter (ish)

A/N: Another chapter finally! Sorry for the delay, usual life things like university happen ^_^ thank you so much to everyone still reading and leaving comments, they really mean a lot to me, and as ever, huge thanks to Meg my beta. Now just three chapters to go!

Also, two amazing pieces of fan art have been done for this story, you can see them here:

By illoura (I actually love this one so much it's currently my phone background): here

By heartbreakerlester (I especially love the Phil): here

---

It was true – Phil could get down to London again for the weekends, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still absolutely terrified. So he did his best to focus on the time he got to spend with Dan, rather than the fact that he was soon to be loudly announcing his place at Dan’s side in front of a whole bunch of cameras.

Phil had to admit, though, that having a more concrete schedule for seeing Dan was doing him good. He liked knowing that every weekend he could hop onto a train and be down with Dan again. He didn’t even mind all the travelling involved. Returning to Manchester at the end of the weekend was softened by the knowledge that he’d be back in London again soon enough, that he’d have Dan back in his arms again at the end of another week.

It wasn’t easy to leave him, but it was easier than it would have been otherwise.

Phil spent the rest of the week in Manchester desperately brushing up on the last of his uni work. His final assessment, his viva, was creeping imminently closer, and Phil was feeling less than prepared.

As much as Dan was a wonderful addition to Phil’s life, he was also something of a distraction. Phil’s mind hadn’t quite been where it should be over the past few months.

But still, Phil had managed to hand in his thesis on time, and despite everything he thought it had turned out rather well. Now he just needed to get all of that knowledge stuck in his head, ready to be grilled by two of the most senior people in his department.

Nothing to be worried about at all.

The next weekend with Dan was giving Phil something to look forward to, which was much needed as he was once again drowning in books and sources and articles. Spending any time apart was proving to be difficult, and Phil found himself calling Dan up most days, or sometimes, waking up in the middle of the night to the insistent buzzing of his phone by his ear because Dan had no sense of time or normal waking hours.

The distance wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t as difficult as it could have been. Nothing felt impossible. In fact, Phil was starting to entertain the very real, very dangerous possibility that he might just get to keep Dan in his life more permanently.

That brought with it some terrifying ideas about the future. A future in London, with Dan, in Dan’s world. He still hadn’t completely decided what to do, but there were internships, places that would take him, especially once his PhD had gone through. He could edit professionally, full-time, not just the bits and pieces he did for PJ between his own work. And Phil loved education, he really did, but after his PhD he was itching to get out and try some of his work in a more public setting.

Meeting Dan had helped with that, he had to admit. Seeing Dan’s world, or the bits of it he’d been privy to so far, had lit something inside of Phil he wasn’t sure had been there before. Something that desired to make good things, and be brave enough to put them out into the world.

He’d talk to Dan about it, this weekend. See if he thought Phil could do this, if he should apply to somewhere in London, and exactly what that would mean for the two of them.

Phil hoped it would mean good things.

Travelling down to London that weekend brought its own set of nerves, something Phil wasn’t sure he’d get over no matter how many times he saw Dan. There was just something about the deliberate, planned nature of going to see him that felt more real, and scarier, than bumping into him on the film set had felt. This spoke of something that required forethought.

But Dan would be at the end of it, and that was enough for Phil.

He leaned his head against the windowsill, watching the countryside flash past the window, becoming gradually more and more built up the closer to the city he got. He mourned the loss of green, the wide open spaces slowly narrowing and narrowing, but there was the upside that he was drawing closer and closer to Dan. Every minute brought him nearer.

Dan was waiting for him at the station again, although this time a little more surreptitiously. He was wearing normal casual clothes, a giant baggy grey jumper and black jeans, stuff that blended in with the people around him. Dan himself still stuck out like a sore thumb, though. He was just so much taller than the people around him, and being aware of that fact just made him more awkward than he already was.

Phil greeted him with a smile and a quick, cautious hug. After what happened the last time they met at a station, they both knew to be more careful, even if Dan did pout at him a little.

“You set the date for coming out,” Phil reminded him as he shouldered his bag and followed Dan out of the station. “The premiere. No overshadowing the build-up, remember?”

“I know,” Dan grumbled morosely. “I just miss holding your hand, it’s been an entire week.”

Phil bit back a self-satisfied grin. He’d missed Dan too, but it was still reassuring to hear it from Dan’s own lips, just how much being apart hurt. It was making Phil consider serious things about the future, about their future.

But he kept those thoughts to himself for now, and instead walked faster so they’d be safely back behind closed doors soon.

Dan’s flat was empty, Tyler being out at a shoot, so Phil took his time putting away his suitcase and then taking Dan into his arms, remembering what it felt like to have him close again. They curled up together on the sofa, half-heartedly watching old reruns, but more interested in focusing on having each other back in their space again.

“I missed this,” Dan said lowly after a few minutes.

Phil shifted a little to look down at where Dan was sprawled across his lap. Gently, he drew a finger through Dan’s curls, for once not straightened to within an inch of its life, and pulled him closer. “Me too. I don’t like it, being away from you.”

“Me neither,” Dan grumbled, shifting into Phil’s touch. “I don’t think you should actually be allowed to leave, tbh.”

Phil’s lips twitched. His thoughts skittered back to the possibility of not having to leave – of having somewhere permanently within Dan’s reach.

The thought was a good one, if a little terrifying.

Phil cleared his throat, knowing if he didn’t bring it up now then he’d never really be brave enough. “I kind of agree, actually.”

Dan twisted to send him a confused look. “Not fighting me for once? That’s a novelty.”

“Shut up.” Phil nudged him, then gathered him back in close, fighting the nerves beginning to swirl in his belly. “I meant, like, maybe there’s a way I wouldn’t have to leave.”

Dan arched a brow and waited.

“I’ve been giving it some thought.” Phil gathered up his courage and looked determinedly at the wall next to the tv. “There’s a few possibilities. Editing companies here that would take on someone with my qualifications. If I ever get my degree, that is.”

“Your third degree,” Dan reminded him with a snort.

“Yeah, well,” Phil shrugged, “Depends on how my viva goes next week. And then there’s no guarantee anyone would actually take me.”

Dan went very quiet. He stilled in Phil’s arms, so Phil glanced down at him curiously to see a little furrow between Dan’s eyebrows.

“What’s a viva?” Dan finally settled on asking, still not meeting Phil’s eyes.

Phil blinked. “I told you before. The final assessment, where I have to explain my thesis idea to two professors and they rip it to shreds in front of me.”

Dan didn’t laugh, though he did offer Phil a comforting half-hearted smile. “They won’t rip it to shreds.”

“You don’t even understand it,” Phil berated him.

“Yeah, but I’m a dropout.” Dan stretched. “You’re actually intelligent, you’ll be fine.”

Phil nodded slowly. If he was honest, this wasn’t quite the excited reaction he’d been expecting from Dan if he brought up the possibility of actually moving to London. The support was nice, sure, but he’d kind of hoped Dan might squeal a little and jump on him.

All in all, Phil was actually a little disappointed.

Dan shifted again in his lap, glancing up with the little furrow still present in his brow. Phil reached down to wipe it away. “So you wouldn’t mind?” Phil asked. “If I… thought about applying here?”

“Mind?!” Dan shook his head vehemently, reaching up to cup a hand to Phil’s cheek. “The opposite. I want you to be here all the time, Phil, I thought I’d made that fairly obvious.”

Phil’s nose wrinkled. “A little, maybe.”

“I want you to be here,” Dan promised, sitting up and leaning closer, his palm still cupping Phil’s cheek. “In fact, there’s nothing I want more.”

Phil’s heart flipped over in his chest, and he was still getting used to it doing that. Feelings like this were still new and a little bit overwhelming, but the more time he spent in Dan’s presence, the safer he felt. The butterflies still hadn’t stopped, though.

Dan was looking at him very intently, his dark eyes warm, and then he leaned in to press a kiss to Phil’s lips. Phil melted against him, as he always did, because Dan knew just how much to give him, just how much was good, and had learned never to push him further than that. How had he got so lucky, Phil wondered. How had he ever managed to find someone who would appreciate his boundaries, never mind that someone being actual Dan Howell.

They drew apart again, Phil’s arms having found their way wound tight around Dan’s waist, but Dan ignored his insistent tugging and instead leaned back to meet Phil’s eyes.

Phil looked back, because he always would, and because seeing Dan this close to him was a thrill after a week spent apart.

Dan licked his lips. “I… I want to tell you something.”

“Anything,” Phil promised.

Dan swallowed, and when he spoke again, his voice cracked a bit. “I did something. And I’m going to tell you, but – but you have to promise me you won’t get mad, ok, and there might not—”

The sound of the door slamming interrupted Dan and made them both jump wildly. Dan pulled back, and Phil wanted to grab him, to hold him still and listen to whatever he was about to say, but then Tyler came waltzing into the room, chattering a hundred words a minute as he went.

“You wouldn’t believe the hours I’ve been working, there are so many actors on that shoot, and if I never have to wipe another person’s sweaty brow – oh, hi Phil – another sweaty brow, it will have been too long, I’m telling you, never again.” He visibly shuddered as he threw himself down onto the sofa across from them.

Dan watched him with a small smile. He was still wrapped up in Phil’s arms, but he wasn’t looking at Phil anymore, so Phil nudged him and quirked a brow. “Tell me later?”

Dan bit his lip, threw another glance at Tyler, and nodded quickly. Then he turned back to Tyler with a small smile. “So long day, I’m guessing?”

“Horrendously long.” Tyler was lying dramatically on his back with one hand flung across his forehead. “I’m dead, that’s it, I’m never rising again.”

“That doesn’t look particularly comfortable,” Phil observed softly, making Dan snort.

“Excuse you, Mr. Northerner,” Tyler responded airily, then twisted to send Phil a look. “Oh! Now you’re here, we can go shopping, excellent.”

Dan groaned.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of it, Howell,” Tyler warned. “I told you. If you’re making a statement at this premiere, then you have to get the look exactly right.”

“I hate shopping with you,” Dan whined. “It takes hours and you make me try on every single thing in the shop.”

Tyler shrugged. “At least you’ll have company this time.”

Dan sent Phil a sharp grin.

“Oh, oh no.” Phil shook his head, looking helplessly between them. “No, come on, I thought you were joking.”

“I never joke about fashion,” Tyler said seriously, and then flopped dramatically back down onto the couch. “Give me five minutes to recover, and we’re leaving.”

Dan groaned again, and this time, Phil didn’t even rebuke him.

---

Clothes shopping with Tyler Oakley turned out to be an… experience.

He did indeed force Dan to try on every single shirt, but it wasn’t even reduced to one shop. Instead, they were dragged around the whole high street, and in every single place they went Tyler seemed to know at least three of the people who worked there.

Phil spent most of his time loitering between shelves of clothes he didn’t even dare look at the price tag for, watching as Tyler and Dan bickered over which thing looked best. Dan was holding some form of black shirt that had an uncountable number of zips in places where there should not be zips, and Tyler was attempting to talk him out of it.

For once, Phil sided with Tyler. The thing looked absolutely ridiculous.

“You’re awful,” Dan told Phil, pouting. “This is the worst kind of betrayal.”

“I’m just telling the truth!” Phil defended himself. “It looks like a hamster designed the pockets.”

“Hamsters could have good taste, you don’t know.” Dan clutched the shirt closer to him when Tyler attempted to take it, glaring.

Tyler sighed heavily, but relented, grabbing another shirt from the pile and shooing Dan away with both of them. “At least try this on too, but go, see for yourself the ridiculousness of your own decisions.”

Dan made a face, but disappeared readily enough back behind the changing room curtain.

Phil shifted a bit uncomfortably on his feet. He hadn’t been left alone with Tyler much yet, and he wasn’t proud enough to admit that he still found Tyler slightly intimidating. Tyler was just so exuberant about everything, and Phil was very much not part of Tyler’s world. With Dan around, things were easier, but alone, Phil felt a little like a ship sailing on its own on a giant, unknown sea.

Tyler, however, seemed completely oblivious of any tension. Instead he thumbed through the rest of the items on the rack, humming under his breath, and every once in a while giving Phil a considering look.

Phil tried not to look like a rabbit in the headlights.

“Good eyes,” Tyler informed him after a minute.

Phil jumped. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve got good eyes.” Tyler didn’t look up from the shirt he was considering. “Don’t match Dan’s at all, of course, but I can theme an outfit around them.”

Phil swallowed. “I, uh – I don’t think anything here would really fit me.”

“Nonsense,” Tyler answered breezily, giving Phil another considering look before continuing to look through various items on a shelf in front of him. “You’ve just got to know what you’re looking for.”

Phil did little more than helplessly nod. If there was ever a fish out of water, Phil was currently that fish.

Much to Phil’s surprise, Tyler stopped looking through the clothes racks to instead turn and level Phil with a serious look. “How are you feeling about all this?”

Phil blinked at him. “Uh – all what, exactly?”

Tyler smiled, the expression slightly pitying. “All of this.” He waved an airy hand around the (very fancy) store they were in. “Dan’s world. Our world. A life of fame and vanity.”

Phil swallowed. Put like that, it didn’t sound very appealing at all – in fact, exactly the opposite of anything Phil would ever have thought he’d want.

But for Dan – with Dan – this world didn’t seem very frightening at all.

“It’s a little out of my comfort zone,” Phil answered, deciding to be honest. Tyler was important to Dan, after all. “I’m not used to it. I don’t think I’ll ever quite fit in.”

“Give it a few months,” Tyler replied wisely, giving Phil a look full of scrutiny. “I’m not so sure. Dan seems to like you, and although his taste in fashion is awful, his taste in people is usually better.”

Phil smiled without realising.

“Plus,” Tyler continued breezily, “You look good together. And the Twitter thing – it really helps that you’re active on that. Good decision.”

“It was never really a decision,” Phil answered weakly, thinking back to the first time he’d engaged with Dan online, the slight terror at all those people watching that still occasionally twisted his innards upside-down. “I just – it seemed like a good way to get his attention.”

Phil had never admitted that out loud before. He was surprised to realise he wasn’t embarrassed.

Tyler grinned. “It helped a bunch. Public flirting like that, people love it – perfect set-up for the premiere. All Dan really has to do is confirm it, no one will be surprised at this point.”

Phil carefully kept his face impassive. He didn’t really agree. He knew plenty of people who would be surprised – not least of all, his mum. He still hadn’t quite worked up the guts to tell her, though she’d called him three times since he and Dan had decided to go public. The words just… never fit into the conversation.

He had no idea how to vocalise any of his life to her now.

“You don’t have to be so afraid,” Tyler continued, mistaking Phil’s look of consternation for one of nervous fear. “Premieres are all focused on the outfits and the film, not the gossip of the actors so much. You’ll be a sideline at most – you and Dan. And like I said, most people won’t even be surprised. You haven’t exactly done a great job of being subtle.”

Phil nodded, trying to look like he meant it.

Thankfully, he was saved from having to look any more positive about things because of the reappearance of Dan, holding both his own choice of shirt and Tyler’s out with a deep furrow in his brow. “Ok, so you were both right about the black one, but Tyler – I can’t wear this thing, it’s got ruffles.”

“Trust me, Howell,” Tyler tutted, taking both from Dan and holding up the dark blue ruffly one again. “It’ll be good.”

“I’m not wearing ruffles,” Dan muttered, and he looked so much like a toddler about to throw a tantrum that Phil snorted. Dan glanced over at him, arching a brow. “What?”

“Nothing.” Phil was still grinning, all nerves completely settled back in the presence of Dan. “Come here.”

Dan went to his side easily enough, still pouting, so Phil just wrapped one arm around his waist and tugged him close. Dan smiled, but still turned his head to do a quick, darting check that no one was watching before he leaned his weight into Phil’s side.

Silently, Phil knew that he wouldn’t miss times of having to watch their every move.

Tyler was still holding the blue ruffly shirt, but at a glare from Dan that threatened much more than just a tantrum if he was going to insist on it, Tyler threw his hands up in the air and admitted defeat, wandering off to have another look at the aisles.

Phil released a tiny sigh. They’d been here for hours, and clothes shopping really wasn’t his thing.

Dan seemed to notice, as he leaned back against Phil and murmured, “Tired?”

“Not really.” Phil shrugged, nestled his head against Dan’s. “Just normally do this kind of thing on the internet, from my bed. You know?”

“Believe me, I know.” Dan’s tone turned dark. “I hate when Tyler drags me out to these things.”

“So you just inflicted it on me, too?” Phil grumbled.

Dan grinned at him. “What’s mine is yours, and all.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but he’d be lying if he said that comment didn’t warm him just a little. Here he stood, in public, with Dan Howell nestled against him, perfect and warm and accepting of everything. He even grumbled with Phil about being outside, about having to be here and do this when they both knew it was for their own good in the end. What did Phil know about what to wear to a film premiere, after all?

Tyler came back shortly, two items on his arm, and his grin was positively wicked. “I’ve got the perfect thing for both of you.”

Phil glanced at what he was holding and paled considerably.

Dan, however, actually made a noise of interest. He disentangled himself from Phil (with a final squeeze to his hand) and then made his way over to Tyler, fingering the clothing. “Hmm.”

“You bet, Howell.” Tyler was practically glowing as he lifted the two sparkly blazers, one dark gold, one bright silver. “Matching and perfect for both of you. The perfect couple.”

Phil blanched, but Dan made another interested noise. “I want the silver.”

“Dan,” Phil complained weakly. “Really?”

Dan span to face him, a small grin tugging at his lips, his dimple just appearing. “Come on. We can be sparkly together.”

Phil made a face at him. “They’re just a bit… ostentatious. Aren’t they?”

“That’s the point,” Tyler enthused. “You’re making a statement.”

“A sparkly statement,” Dan added with a grin.

Phil looked between them, from one excited face to the other, and then back at the jackets. The silver was definitely the brightest, Dan could have that, but the gold… it was a dull gold, bold but tasteful, and it looked subtle next to the silver, present but quiet. Just like him next to Dan.

Phil walked over and ran two fingers along the cloth. Soft; inviting.

“Try it on,” Tyler urged. “Then tell me you hate it.”

Phil looked at him, then back to Dan, then down at the jacket. He let out another little sigh. “Alright. I’ll try it on.”

---

The silver and gold jackets were a go, it was decided. Dan loved his the instant he put it on, and Phil felt comfortable enough in the gold blazer to accept it. He’d been to formal occasions before, after all, he knew he always felt a little out of place in fancy clothes. His mum said he’d grow out of it. Phil never had.

He had the flat to himself, which was a strange feeling. Tyler was out at a job, and Dan was out at a meeting with his agent. Phil planned to use the rare time alone to call his mum, to tell her where he was and who with and everything. So far, all she knew was that he’d gone down to London with that actor he’d been friends with. Phil needed to explain everything before the premiere, and that was happening in exactly a week.

He was running rapidly out of time.

Still, it was hard to actually pick up the phone. Phil was currently sitting with it in his lap, staring blankly at the tv screen in the giant living room which was paused on an episode of Game of Thrones that Dan had randomly decided they needed to rewatch, and then promptly left halfway through. Typical behaviour really.

Phil caught himself smiling fondly in the darkness of the screen, and quickly fumbled for his phone again. The sooner his mum knew, the better. And telling her wasn’t going to be bad, was it, after all, the thing he had with Dan wasn’t bad. She knew Phil. She knew he’d never had feelings like this for anyone before, despite her gentle pushing every now and then. She’d know, wouldn’t she? And she’d be happy for him?

Phil had always been close to his mum. He just felt like that could be about to change.

Either way, it was much better she heard it from him rather than through the news. So Phil took a deep breath, picked up his phone for the third time, and determinedly pressed ‘call’.

She picked up on the fourth ring. “Hello child, I’m out right now—”

“I’m with Dan Howell.” Phil said the words faster than he’d meant to, all in a rush, because he was sure if he didn’t then he’d never say them at all.

There was a startled silence. Then—“Phil, dear, I’m at the shops, give me five minutes…”

“Ok.” Phil sat there, heart in his mouth, and listened to the distant rustling on the other end of the line.

It felt like days before his mum’s voice came back. “Alright, what was that you said?”

“I’m with Dan Howell,” Phil answered, and then, guiltily, “Uh – did you finish your shopping?”

“No, but I’ve come and sat in a toilet cubicle while we chat.” His mum sounded soft and warm, the same as ever. “Dan Howell the actor?”

“Yeah.” Phil frowned. “You didn’t bring your trolley into the loo, did you?”

“Of course not, it’s in the aisle. With him how exactly?”

“I thought dad told you not to abandon it anymore.” Phil swallowed. “Uh. With him… in London. And. Um. Another way, too.”

“Your father hasn’t had a say in my shopping habits for years,” she pointed out with a low chuckle. “With this actor, hm? What’s he like?”

“He’s great.” Phil folded his arms, curled his legs in tight to his chest, air feeling tight in his lungs. “Out at the minute, but. I’m in his flat. I’m going with him to a premiere next week.”

“Well, that sounds fancy,” she answered. “Have you got something to wear?”

Phil swallowed, his heart in his mouth. “Yeah, his friend helped us – he’s sort of a stylist – but, mum, I’m with him. You need to understand, it’s going to be everywhere soon and I have to tell you first, because I didn’t want you to see it somewhere else—” he was close to hyperventilating, he could hear it. Sharp, harsh breaths high in his throat.

His mum shushed him gently down the phone. “Phil, honey, you aren’t making sense. What are you trying to tell me?”

Phil took in a deep breath, hating that it still sounded high-pitched and weak. But this was exactly what he was most terrified of, and now it was right here, happening right now, he was on the brink of taking this step and then he’d never be able to take it back.

An image of Dan floated into his head. Dan, smiling, happy, dimpling. His.

“I’m with Dan Howell,” Phil said as bravely as he could. “With him as in, in a relationship with him. We’re together. I love him. I’m pretty sure, anyway.”

There was a short silence.

“Oh, is he the one?” His mum said finally, sounding a little surprised, but not – not horrified, at least. “I did wonder.”

“Mum,” Phil shook his head. “Wonder what? Mum?”

“You haven’t said much about your life lately, darling, not real details anyway. I wondered what you’d been hiding, or who. So it’s this Dan, is it? I did wonder, after that article the other month.”

Phil bit his lip, but there was an odd, tight sort of relief pushing at his shoulders. His mum knew a lot more than he gave her credit for. “Yeah. The articles are kind of the problem.”

“And you said something about a premiere?” His mum made a proud noise. “So it’s serious, then?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Phil swallowed, wondered how much to say in one go. That he was even considering moving for Dan, away from her, away from his family. His previous life. Everything and everyone he knew, for something new, and terrifying, but also insanely exciting.

“How are you feeling about that, darling?” His mum’s voice was the same as ever, soft and caring, home. What had Phil even been worried about? Why had starting this conversation been so hard?

He drew in a breath. “I’m nervous. Scared. But it’s the right thing, mum, and Dan – Dan’s right for me. This is good.”

“So you’re happy?”

“The happiest.”

“Then that’s wonderful,” his mum soothed, “And everything will happen for the best. You just hold his hand out there in public and show the world how happy you are. That’s all I want for you, sweetheart.”

Phil was biting his lip, hard. “Thanks, mum.”

“Anytime, darling. Anytime.”

---

After he’d hung up with his mum, Phil curled up on the sofa staring blankly at some more Game of Thrones until the door blew open again. Dan came back into the flat with abandon, waving his phone in the air. “Tweeted a photo of our jackets for the premiere. Twitter’s already going crazy. And my agent’s setting up an audition for me, a stage show which sounds really exciting – why are you staring at Kit Harington’s face? Is one famous actor not enough for you?”

Phil blinked, drawing himself out of his thoughts and turning to find Dan standing over the sofa, pouting at him. “Hm?”

“Oh, nothing,” Dan flopped down on the sofa next to him, “Just wondering when you’re going to replace me.”

Phil shoved his side, then grabbed his hand. “You’re ridiculous. Come here.”

Dan nestled up against him, laying his head against Phil’s shoulder. Phil wrapped an arm around him and drew him in closer, pressing his face against Dan’s hair. It was straightened today, made neat for the people outside to see him. Phil much preferred it curly and messy, the Dan he knew, not Daniel Howell the actor.

He loved both parts of Dan’s life, but he was still scared of the public side. He’d adjust, he supposed, but it was just – scary.

“I told my mum,” Phil murmured into Dan’s hair, keeping him pressed close. “About us.”

Dan stilled in his arms. Then he turned his face up, met Phil’s gaze with questioning eyes. “You did?”

Phil nodded abruptly. He bit his lip. “She’s happy for me. For us. She’s going to watch the premiere with my dad and brother and his girlfriend, I think.”

Dan studied him, and then slowly smiled, just the hint of a dimple appearing. “And how do you feel about that?”

“Good,” Phil said after a moment, and pulled Dan into him. “I feel good.”

“Well,” Dan was properly smiling now as he clambered determinedly into Phil’s lap. “That’s good. I feel pretty good too.”

Phil held him, and glanced up, and hoped that every reaction would be as good as mum’s. But there was still the quiet voice in his head that said this wasn’t right – that his relationship with Dan somehow wouldn’t stand the test of prying eyes. After all, Dan might be bi, but Phil – Phil wasn’t. Phil was something else. And he didn’t quite know how to handle that when it came to something like this.

“What’s up, though?” Dan asked after a moment, in a moment of incredible telepathy. His fingers skimmed Phil’s arm, rubbing up and down in a soothing rhythm. “Something’s up. You’ve gone all quiet.”

Phil huffed, hiding a smile in Dan’s hair. “What’s wrong with being quiet?”

“Nothing, unless I can tell you’re hiding something,” Dan clarified, settling in Phil’s lap, still gently rubbing his arm. “What is it?”

Phil held his silence for a moment, and then let out a sigh. “I just – this is all a lot, you know?”

“I know,” Dan murmured gently. “Is it too much? We can stop anytime, you know – if you’re uncomfy—”

“No, that’s not it,” Phil disagreed with a quick shake of his head. “No, wow Dan, I just – I can’t wait to be able to hold your hand in public and not be constantly checking for cameras or any of your strange stalkerish fans to be following us.”

Dan stifled a smile. “Same, honestly.”

“Exactly. It’s just—” Phil paused, thinking his words over carefully before continuing. He didn’t really know what the source of the unsettling feeling growing in his stomach was, jangling around like nerves, twisting up his innards. Telling his mum had gone well. There’d been no questions at all. And that just – it threw Phil, a little.

Partly because he didn’t think he’d really said anything, yet. Not about him. People were just… assuming, and Phil worried they were assuming the wrong things.

He had no idea how to verbalise any of this.

But Dan was still looking up at him with something close to worry hidden in his gaze, and Phil didn’t want to leave that there. He wanted to wipe that look away, replace it with Dan’s smile.

“I suppose,” he started softly, “That my mum, and Tyler, and everyone – everyone we tell at the Premiere, everyone on Twitter – they’re all going to assume something about us that… isn’t true?”

Dan tilted his head questioningly. “Like what?”

“Well,” Phil floundered a bit, “They’re going to think that, like – we’re in a relationship? Which obviously we are, but – not in the way everyone thinks?”

Dan tilted his head. “I’m guessing you mean some of the more… physical stuff. Because of, like, you being ace.”

Phil bit his lip. It still shocked him, occasionally, to hear that word spoken out loud when it had lived alone in his head for so long. But he nodded. “Yeah. And I know it doesn’t matter really – I’m just glad to have you, and you understand and that’s all that matters, but—”

“But it’s still annoying to not be able to talk about it,” Dan said softly.

Phil nodded again, morose. “I don’t know why, exactly, even. I just… feel like everyone is assuming something about me, and it doesn’t always sit quite right.”

“I get it,” Dan said after a moment, still gently rubbing his hand up and down Phil’s arm. It was a soothing touch.

Phil leaned into him. “I shouldn’t care, I know. It shouldn’t be a big deal.”

“No, it should,” Dan disagreed. “It’s important. I get it – and I’m scared of that too, Phil, honestly.”

Phil sent him a quizzical look.

“Not in exactly the same way,” Dan said with a small, wry smile. “But – I’ve had relationships with girls before, you know. Publicly.”

“I know,” Phil replied, a little more darkly than he felt. He remembered all too well his deep google searches about Dan’s past with actresses.

Dan grinned. “Jealous. But yeah – people will know about them. I’m scared telling them about you will make people say I was lying before, somehow, or – or like those people were just shields, or whatever you want to say. But they weren’t. I loved those girls – I did. At the time.”

Phil bit his lip, drew in a breath. Hearing about Dan’s past relationships wasn’t really making him feel better. His fingers slid down to find Dan’s, gripping his hand hard.

Dan chuckled, leaning in. “Nothing to what I feel for you. Not even close, Phil.”

Phil looked down, embarrassed he’d needed that reassurance, but feeling better for it regardless.

Dan squeezed his fingers. “It’s just – if people see me with you, they’re going to assume I’m gay, that I’ve always been gay, that I’ve just been hiding it. But that isn’t true. I’m not gay.”

“Nor am I,” Phil agreed.

“I know.” Dan nestled in close, and then snorted. “We’re both coming out and everyone’s going to say we’re gay when that’s exactly what neither of us is.”

“Ironic,” Phil agreed, smiling despite himself. He held Dan close, hid his face in Dan’s hair, breathed him in. That was all he really cared about. Having Dan close.

Dan leaned into him, squished somehow in his lap despite the fact that Dan really was taller than him, and probably far too big for this. But Phil didn’t care. He liked holding Dan, having Dan lean into him.

“It doesn’t really matter, though,” Dan added, squeezing Phil’s hand again. “We know what we’re like. We can correct the people close to us when they get it wrong, and – and at the end of the day, it isn’t their business. We are us. That’s all that should really matter, and that’s all we’re showing next week. That we’re just… us.”

Phil glanced down at him, struck silent by those words. Dan had just said it perfectly.

Being them, Phil could do.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, and squeezed Dan tight, pressed a kiss to the top of his head “Yes. Let’s just be us.”

#phanfiction #phanfic #phan fluff #phan AU #ace!Phil #bi!Dan #inmyway

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