#is it just ADHD bs and even though I’m interested I’m not interested enough to give the brain enough dopamine

[the-dragonlich]

There is a book I am desperately trying to think of and I am so pissed I forgot both the name and the author because it was one of the books that I read that left a genuine impress on me as a kid

[starshine-selfships]

1, 10, 11, and 12 for the ask game ? 😺🙏💟

Hi hi hi!! You're getting long answers to these bc any excuse to talk about this man makes me go crazy stupid 🙌🙌🙌💕

1) What's a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

HE👏IS👏NEURODIVERGENT!! I'm specifically talking adhd, but he checks a lot of boxes for something more ambiguous too. I'm actually rewriting my adhd sh.aiapouf post and I'm gonna put it here too, but the cut time version IS: noticeable hyperfixations/special interests in music and the monarchy, practically no empathy + has difficulty understanding the emotions of others, fast thinking + thinks a LOT, almost weirdly analytical + book smart with little to no interpersonal skills, extreme emotions all over the board, like there's a LOT here and it explains like 80% of why he's Like That 😤

10) How did you feel when you realized "oh of course I had to like That Character"?

Okay I have a lot to say on this one djnfkffk please bear with me as I write a whole novel

✌U_U ✌

Honestly,, , I wasn't happy LMAOOO, around the time I watched the anime for the first time i was actually still pretty into j.jba and unfortunately was really into dio U_U

I was fascinated by pouf as soon as I saw him in the opening, lots of neat ant designs and then this butterfly man?? I need to know everything about him 👀 His intro with the rainbows in the wings, the fairy chimes, the solo violin, all had me like 👁👁 Sir I Am Going To Study You Like The Insect You Are, and then I saw him actually play the violin and was sold lmao. He was funny as far as comic relief went and then? The giant improv ballet breakdown and antagonistic turn drew me in further and then I was invested in a no going back sorta way as soon as he went chibi for the first time, just watching the chaos of the entire scene with this ridiculous huge grin dhjdkxkf every single thing he did was in the extremes and it was like watching a train de-rail in real time, I saw him face down in the dirt at the end of the arc and didn't even feel anything, he was just so WILD

So I finish h.xh not too long after that and texted a friend and was like hmmm. I need to watch j.jba to return to my roots and also to forget that I think I might've accidentally given myself a lil crush on the butterfly man 😳 idk if that return ever happened but I DO remember being frustrated with how pretty he is,, I didn't really wanna shift hyperfixations at the time and also didn't know if it was attraction or gender envy bc. what I would give to simultaneously look so fem and so masc 👁 either way it was a 3 month struggle of "oh no oh my god I wanna kiss a bug so bad?? 😞" and then I caved at midnight in a denny's and was like okay. fine. I'm gay for a bug, I really really like him but *i* don't have to like that 😤

I did, in fact, proceed to like it, enough to make an entire separate blog for him. It was a slow progression of "I mean, I'd share a ballroom dance with him, like a waltz maybe", "hmm okay he's funny but whatever", "oh uh. he uh. I mean he's neat, a lot of people didn't like him but I just think he's an interesting character 😳" and. and then I finally caved and I never stopped talking sjdkfkf though to be fair, I was already talking about him a LOT on my main, I just decided that maybe it would be nice to have a space to just. contain 90% of my poufposting LMAOOO

Final note on this, but I think what really got me is how many characters are in this series and yet I gravitated towards the one no one could stand 😞✌ though to be fair the hatred for him has definitely gone down compared to what I can remember from a few years ago; absolutely does not change the fact that He Is The Way He Is, but I saw the war crimes, malice, potentially treason, and I won't name it but it's by far the most uncomfortable thing to sit through in the arc, I saw ALL of that and still went hmmmm yes I want that one U_U true love huh

11) Do you think it's better to have copious amounts of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

The art situation with him is strange bc there's a decent enough to be notable amount of art of him captioned with some variation of "I hated him but he had a really cool character design", but it's still content. Surprisingly, I actually don't track the tag for him but take a look at it anyways almost every day and there's maybe one new thing there like once a week, minimal content bc so many people just didn't like him, which is fair!! But also, he was definitely there as a prominent character, I'd just like to see more of him U_U I would put more art here but I'm too conscious of the art ops seeing my bs over here jdkdkfkk

There actually are a handful of ship art drawings of him, which astounds me bc this man wasn't there to make friends, not even with his own siblings :/, but the errant art of him with morel or kite is honestly pretty cute, please just let this man be happy, I love to see him smile 🥺

12) Aren't you tired of being nice? This is an excuse to rant.

He wasn't the worst guard!! All three had reasons for doing what they did and arguably, pouf's motives were the most complex. Yes he did some pretty awful things, but he considered them to be the right thing to do without a doubt in his mind, all his actions were selfish in that they were based off his own feelings, but he did things ultimately for the king, so his actions also had an edge of selflessness to them as well. He was just. so much more than annoying and while his character development wasn't positive, it was still some pretty astounding growth; as an antagonist, he's also fairly plausible 👀 sometimes people just are manipulative, sometimes feelings do get the better of you, pouf just has all those factors amped up to 11 at all times so they're magnified. I have. a lot of thoughts on him, he interests me very much 😞👀🤔👀

[wexhappyxfew]

So I’ve been trying for ages to think of a question for TT and I can’t bc I am a dummy SO I thought maybe you if there was a question you wanted someone to ask and no one has then answer that! OR I’d love for you to talk about how writing has helped you/made you happy if you’re comfortable with that! I LOVE YOU SUNSHINE 🌻🌻🌻🌻

AWWW ANGE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT I SWEAR <3 <3 and oooooh that’s an interesting take!!! i haven’t ever thought about that actually, but now i might LOL! and ooooh yes! I LOVE THAT OTHER QUESTION TOO! imma just do both THANK U ANGE!!! <3

hmmmmm....a question i wanted someone to ask....

i’m thinking of doing some talking about character flaws and possibly some strong female ocs and just my take on that! 

For me, character flaws have just always MADE the character, a human being. But it’s not for everybody, but for me, as I am a flawed person in many aspects, writing flawed characters has helped more than anything. All the characters I write are deeply flawed just like every human being. They all have pros, but they are all also weighed out by the cons of life. But that’s simply what makes us human because no one’s perfect.

For example, Charlotte Tarvers, even though she’s this ‘sunshine’ girl, who always makes people smile and laugh, and feel good, and cared for, she’s also deeply hurt by her past, and has attachment issues. Part of being a medic, is strictly not getting attached to the people you might end up seeing dying or wounded - and that’s what Charlotte really struggles with simply because she is an extroverted people person who cares for everyone and she can’t help and it hurts her in the end. 

Hazel Parker, while being a soft and innocent person, that can shoot straight on a sniper and can get zeroed in and focused and honed in and obey orders, has trouble speaking her mind, she doesn’t trust easily, she also let’s things get to her constantly and then her emotions come into play. Only when she’s in war and numb to it all do emotions stay out, but many of her decisions are emotion based and it’s painful mentally for her. She constantly battles her mind simply because she doesn’t say much but her mind is too loud and that just is something that affects her greatly - especially after her wound that she getts.

Catherine McCown, while a fantastic leader, and a confident, intelligent young woman, she tries so hard to be perfect and then that’s when she breaks - after staying strong simply for too long and then her emotions comes and she starts heavily doubting herself in the process of it all. She tries her hardest she genuinely doesn’t feel like it is never enough because people always die in the end or get hurt and she takes it personally sometimes, too personally and it hurts her in the long run.

Elizabeth Elliot, as tender, gentle, and hilarious as she is, struggles with her mental health. In many circumstances she is very mentally strong, she can block the pain but in others, after learning of her hyperkinetic disorder (ADHD), which it was called in the 1940s, she hits that downward slope where she feels she can’t escape. And I have only seen a few OCs that struggle with mental health (various types of mental health), such as a disorder like ADHD, so I decided it was time to write a character like that. And her ADHD is what really makes her struggle throughout Bastogne to the end of the war. It causes her to lack in the ability to do her job right - there’s the distraction, the mind-eating thoughts, the inability to fully concentrate, the rereading and getting nowhere, the frustration - all of it - and that makes her really struggle more than anything. 

And....for a little sneak peak at the Flip Children (Natia, Klimeck, and Ryzshard) I will briefly discuss their flaws...

Natia Filipska, is genuinely a warrior, with a highly intelligent mind, who easily understands people from one to the other, but she grows easily numb and cold to others and flushes out her emotions in dangerous situations, ideally making her reckless, distant and tough to work with. Which doesn’t bode well for a character who HAS to work with others to survive. But that is just in short - I can’t spoil much more! 

Klimeck Filipska is, like her sister, intelligent, hard-working, and a powerful role-model and leader for all, but her anger sets her apart from others. She lets anger in many cases take over her decisions and it ends up getting friends injured and possibly even killed in the end. And it is something she takes very personally because she is very much 0-80 within seconds and her decisions are angry and emotionally driven simply because she has seen what the Nazis have taken and it angers her more than anything. It never amounts to something good in the end sometimes.

Ryzshard Filipski, who albeit, is smooth, charismatic, and deceptive, is, like Natia, VERY reckless, and it almost gets him killed sometimes. And sometimes he is purely too humanity driven. It almost makes him lose his cover. But he is in fact the youngest sibling, the youngest and only brother, and so he watches what his sisters are like in their way of being driven through the war and tries in a sense to be a bit of the light - but he is only a 20 year old man - he is still a child in the war, struggling with the idea that he lost his innocence with it as well. 

And don’t get me wrong, they are all deeply flawed but they are ALL strong oc’s, strong female ocs and a strong male oc. The 6 female ocs I have I believe, are all strong in their own individual way, whether it be quietly or loudly, they are all strong. Quiet people can be strong and confident people can be strong - and they don’t take bs either :) They are all strong, just like you all are, even if you have flaws - they make you stronger. 

And Ryzshard, as my ONLY male oc, I didn’t want to make him the stereotypical male oc - the always brave, always angry, emotionless sorta of persona - he has emotions, the most innocence out of the flip children, and he cares the most, and that’s what I really hope to get across even through his recklessness - he cares. 

“how writing has helped you/made you happy if you’re comfortable with that!”

So, this is a question I’ve gotten throughout the day, but I’ll put it in short!! Writing has just always been an outlet for me, and a way to express myself. When I’m stressed, upset, or angry, I come and I write and know that I’m in my own world. I’ve always found motivation in myself to write because I always just do it for me, really. I love everyone and appreciate everyone who reads my works and my stories, but I mainly do it because it is something I love doing and something that has helped me in more ways than one. 

It just always makes me so happy to make art on a screen with black and white words - it truly is an art form for so many people and for someone like me and as an artist myself, to create art with words is something I just adore. 

And, off topic sorta LOL, but I feel the reason I keep having motivation day in and day out to just keep writing, is because I do it for me? If that makes sense? I always tell myself ‘you’re doing it for you queen, you’re doing what you always want, and just for you - how ADORABLE is that - it’s like treating yourself” and I just tell myself that always, because I’m like wow, I’m doing something for me that’s fun!

And writing’s always there, it doesn’t leave, it doesn’t judge, it doesn’t make fun of you, it doesn’t turn cold, it doesn’t lie - it’s purely just WRITING - and I’ve always loved that about writing. Writing’s just always been there <3

thank you sm for the ask ange!! this was genuinely super fun! and i loved being able to talk about my oc’s and their flaws a bit, since i feel i needed to explain them just a bit and why they are flawed like a normal human! and plus talking about my writing experience and the true work of art writing is, is something i will always rave about!!! thank you <3

[literalnobody]

I’m so frustrated and tired and I hate the Irish healthcare system so much. Like aside from having an undiagnosed problem in my back for 9 years now that causes me chronic pain that apparently isn’t “concerning” enough to warrant further investigation, I tried to approach my doctor about the possibility of having ADHD or some kind of attention deficit problem because I have struggled with focus for years, I get overwhelmed sometimes by certain sensory issues to the point where I’ll want to scream or start crying or curl up in a ball, I can try and focus on something repetitive and menial and I will WANT to do it and i know EXACTLY what I have to do, and the steps necessary to execute it, and my brain just won’t do the thing and I end up crying because I think I’m lazy and pathetic and I don’t know WHY i can’t just do the thing I want to do and know how to do and it’s so frustrating.

So I went to my doctor (I’m a 25 year old woman) and I said “I think I may have ADHD” and she immediately said “no you don’t.” This doctor hasn’t seen me very often aside from a few times when I was a teenager first having back problems, because since I went to college at age 18 I saw a different doctor. Anyway, so I said “Well I haven’t even told you why I’m feeling this way,” and she said “If you had ADHD someone would have noticed by now. So I know you don’t have it.” I said, “Well, I noticed.” She said, “Nobody is going to diagnose an adult of your age. It’s just your mood making you feel this way.” and that was really the end of the conversation. I asked for a referral to a psychiatrist who could diagnose me properly and she said it would be a waste of my time and money, really discouraged me from bothering.

But here’s the thing, when I was a child and a teenager I did really well in school, and I think that’s one of the reasons nobody noticed anything was going on with me. And mostly the reason I did well was because I was genuinely extremely interested in my subjects, I WANTED to know the information, and I have an excellent memory. I would only need to hear something said out loud once and I’d remember it word perfect for years, so for the classes I was interested in, and I was listening in, I absorbed a lot. I never had to study for classes I liked for the entire time I was in school because I had excellent recall of things verbally said to me (that I actually listened to). But the rare subject I was disinterested in was BRUTAL. I would spend hours, basically my entire alotted “study time,” on like one subject I didn’t enjoy, staring at the same page, reading a sentence 40 times over and over again, and I’d close my eyes and try to remember it and it would be like my brain was doing the shrug emoji. And I would sit in those classes I didn’t enjoy and think “This is important information!!! LISTEN!!!” but it was like, my brain was a stalling car engine, no matter how desperately I tried to force myself to listen, the words didn’t go into my brain. So I would get my grades back like 6 As, 2 Bs, and 1 D, and my parents would wave it off like “Oh well, she’s just not meant for that one subject.” Even though that subject was the ONLY ONE i devoted time to actually TRYING to study in. 

On top of this, my brother has a major personality disorder, he’s antisocial and violent, and thus took up the majority of my parent’s concern when I was a teen. My sister was not academically inclined and got middling grades, and I invested so much of my teen years trying to make things easier on my mum because of my brother’s behaviour and other factors, that I just tried to be whatever my parents needed me to be, and they never worried about me because I was their “successful child.” This pattern continued throughout college, and my parents only realised I was not a normal, happy, functioning person after I suffered a massive depressive episode and became suicidal. I had suffered from depression and anxiety from the age of 17 onwards, which I had tried to get diagnosed as a teenager, but the psychiatrist I was seeing refused to diagnose me because I told her that “sometimes when I’m with my friends, I can forget how I feel and have fun and laugh for a little while.” I’m not kidding, for this reason ALONE a licensed psychiatrist refused to give me a diagnosis and I went untreated until I made plans to take my life in college. Anyway, bc of the depression and my continually adequate grades in college, I never entertained the idea that I could have ADHD, I just put down my concentration issues to the depression.

It’s only since leaving college and undertaking intensive treatment for my depression (I’m in remission I guess lol) that I’ve started to realise that ADHD may be the reason my brain is so non-compliant when I am trying to focus. It’s disrupting every single day of my life, since I’m pretty much floating in the gig economy, getting work in the theatre and art commissions that require me to have a high degree of self discipline and focus. I feel like I’m trying to do these simple tasks but I’m underwater, or on the moon, and I can’t make gravity work the way I need it to. I’m just really drowning and I feel so low because when I reached out for help from a medical practitioner I was told that I don’t have any attention deficit issues, I must just be lazy or in a bad mood that day. Sometimes my brain stalls so bad that I can’t function for hours, I just have to go outside to my garden and walk around in circles to avoid staring at the same spot on the wall and zoning out.

Sorry, I don’t really have a way to end this, I’m just ranting and I feel bad

[pagalini]

hi, sorry if this is too personal of a question, but i was wondering how you realized you had adhd? i think i may have adhd but i don’t really want to say anything to my family until i am positive? thank you!

Hey there! No worries at all, I’m a very open person. 

I want to start by stressing that I’m currently on the waiting list for NHS assessment, because the UK process for diagnosis is very drawn-out and underfunded. However, though I don’t yet have the piece of paper that “officially” means I have ADHD, myself and my GP agree that I exhibit a lot of the symptoms, and they’ve managed to affect my life to the degree that I need some help. 

The primary symptoms for me - well, my most significant issue involves problems with working memory - myself and my partner call it my “if it’s not in front of me, it’s gone” problem. If I don’t have a task that needs doing literally in eyesight in some way, I will completely blank on needing to do it. I also blank on verbal instruction, and have to ask people to repeat things a lot. I often walk into rooms and then stop, because I’ve forgotten why I’m there. And it’s not just occasional - everyone will walk into a room now and then and be like, wait, why am I here. I do it on a daily basis. I have to keep extensive and strict checklists for even the simplest of tasks, or I’ll forget about it. To set up for the day, I write a to-do list on Habitica, and then I write one on a physical post-it as well, and then if something’s really urgent I write it on my hand just to really make sure I’ll see it. And even then I miss things!

Task initiation is also a problem for me, but it’s at the core of ADHD itself, so that’s not surprising. I’ve always found this symptom troubling, because when I was initially investigating ADHD I didn’t think I had issues with task initiation, but I’ve come to realise through time and through the example of my partner, who definitely doesn’t have ADHD, that I do have it. Important difficult thing that needs doing? Nope. Too Much. I can’t even explain it, that sensation of Nope, Too Much, but it’s like a physical wall between me and the thing that needs to be done. Examples: I’ve needed to get a dentist for literally seven months, and I still haven’t done it. I also once needed to get a car scrapped and took TWO YEARS to actually get it done, and even then it only got done because my dad organised it for me. Exam prep? Oh man. That one’s a double whammy. If I didn’t put a note out for myself, or if I put my books away out of sight, then I’d just forget, and I’d end up cramming literally either the night before or the morning of. I’m quite fortunate in that I’m naturally intelligent, so I was able to “coast” like that through my GCSEs, but then my A Levels came along, and - well. 

How did I realise I had ADHD, you ask? Well. For a lot of people with ADHD, they don’t realise there’s something going on until they hit a “wall.” In my case, I hit two walls a few years apart. The first wall was my A Levels. In the UK we do GCSEs, which are basic broad-spectrum qualifications, and then we do A Levels, which you select yourself and are more tailored to what you want to do in life. The jump from A Level to university undergraduate degree is very small. The jump from GCSEs to A Level is ENORMOUS, and I fell flat on my face. At GCSE level, without retaking any exams and with quite honestly little to no revision, I got fifteen GCSEs. Nine of them were A*s, and two were Bs. The remaining four were all As. The key thing is: I was a really excellent student. 

Then I went up to A Level, and at the end of the first year I got: D, E, C, and U. For non-UK folk - a U if a grade so bad that it’s not even an F for fail - it’s U for unclassified. 

I got 12% on the exam. I was heartbroken and completely lost. Everyone around me was shocked. My biology teacher was so sure there’d been a clerical mistake that she rang the exam board on my behalf! Except - there was no mistake. I’d just completely beefed it, to the nth degree.

Through unbelievable hard work and sheer terror, I managed to retake everything and come out of my A Levels with A, A, B, B. Not what I or anyone who knew me had expected - I’d always been predicted straight A*s - but good grades. Good enough to take the heat off of what had gone wrong, so on I sailed into university and beyond. 

Retail work, retail work, volunteering - I was a busy bee for a few years. Then I got my first Adult Job, which was in editorial. Here was my second wall, and I left after six months to do an MA in Graphic Design, convinced that I must have picked something entirely wrong for me. I was shattered, confused, and it would take me at least a year to even slightly recover. In that year I kept busy, both with my MA, and with my research into ADHD. And the more I read, the more it dawned on me that this might just be the explanation for what had happened to me. 

-

Here are some of the symptoms that really resonated with me then, and still do now:

Focus - I find it incredibly difficult to focus on something I’m not interested in, to the point that my brain just Nopes it. I describe it to the people around me as being like trying to balance a drop of water on a duck’s back. All the water wants to do is slide right off, and while for most people focusing on something they don’t want to do is something they can do even if they don’t like it, for me it’s that balancing act - something that requires all my attention and then some, and often ends in failure. 

Sensitivity - Repetitive noises and actions both drive me absolutely WILD. I can’t stand either. Many a clock has suffered my wrath and had its batteries removed at 3am. Ironic, considering I have a really bad case of RLS (restless leg syndrome) and constantly have to shift around in my seat until I’m a position where I can Jiggle Good. 

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - I overreact to negative feedback, taking it as a personal slight or assuming that the person hates me or no longer loves me. It’s an overwhelming thing, an almost physical sensation, and I’ve had quite a few panic attacks over the years because of it. 

I also experience these:

Acting without thinking

Constantly changing activity or task

Difficulty organising tasks

Irregular sleeping patterns / difficulty sleeping

Anxiety

Mood swings & irritability - (this coupled with acting without thinking has ruined a lot of friendships for me over the years. It’s only recently, and with the patient help of my partner, that I’ve been able to slowly change and get a better handle on this aspect of myself)

Starting new tasks before finishing old ones

And on a more positive note, also these:

Creativity (constant racing thoughts mean a lot of ideas)

Information-lust (just gotta KNOW what that xyz means)

-

Last but not least, hyperfocus. Where would I be without hyperfocus? It’s what makes me who I am. It’s what lets me speed read books in just a couple of hours, or write two books and a DND campaign of my own despite working however many jobs at the time. It’s what lets me watch a two hour documentary about microscope slides because I “just gotta KNOW, man.” I am ever the font of random facts out of the people I know, and I love that about myself. I love how hungry I am for new information, new skills, and new stories. 

I hope this (very long) post has been helpful. I wish you all the best with your ADHD journey - and please remember, if your doctor is at all dismissive of your experiences, get a second opinion! Especially if you’re female or look feminine - doctors often won’t listen to you anyway but especially so with ADHD because it’s still perceived as a “boy’s condition.” I had to get a second opinion, and in my case the second doctor has been fantastic and is totally on my side while the first was not at all. 

[actuallyschizoid]

Do any of you guys experience concerningly low empathy? How about limited emotional range, like a spectrum? What about sensory process meltdowns, similar to autists? Do you feel almost no emotion until hit with intensity? How about falling inlove and a best friend? Any previous ddx of anxiety or depression or adhd? Ever made stock friends for the sake of benefits? Rather One night stand than relationships or is it all to disinteresting? Any comorbid SzPD and APD out there? How did you get diagnosed? Views on religion? Im sorry for asking alot, recent ddx and idk what this means for me, never met the average schizoid to paint the picture. Some of these questions have to do with relatability to my symptoms, I guess.

Thanks for submission! Interesting questions. For me personally:

Empathy. In fact, it gets better over time. At least cognitive empathy - which is pretty much psychoanalysis on the go, i.e. taking into account what you know about each person and trying to extrapolate what would they feel, how would they react based on those feels, etc. It isn’t really connected to being able to understand their feelings on your own experience, and way more dependent on one’s knowledge of human psychology, experience observing people and just general live experience. It can be trained for anyone with some effort, but for those who lacks natural emotional empathy it generally gets better just due to having a constant reason to practice it. 

As for emotional and other kinds of empathy... eh, mine’s pretty much limited to laughing along when someone’s laughing their ass off. Yeah, tiny bit of mirroring is all I get, it’s pretty useless. Though, I must say, I do get easier time to relate to feels of other schizoids, autistic people and pretty much anyone who struggles relating to average kind of people.

Emotions. Now that I’m 32, it’s probably not as limited as when I was in my 15-to-25 years, but less of a mess than it was before 15. Still those are pretty... uh, alternative emotions. I still don’t often get the “correct” one triggered on same triggers as most people. My natural tendency is to rationalize stuff, analyze it from system POV instead of getting sad and emotional. 

Like, yesterday there was a plain crush, the whole local internet was buzzing about how terrible it was. I can’t say that was exactly what felt, but instead we were casually discussing the technical nuances of it with a fellow schizoid. Like what effects this kind of event might have had on this or that system, how it might have been made better, what mistakes happened there and what were the means to prevent some of those deaths. I.e more from a system design point of view, where people are just numbers in statistic rather than dead kids who won’t have live, sad parents, etc etc. 

I mean, all that’s sad and all, I get it, but there’s nothing I can do to be sad about it. To me it’s no different from knowing the fact that every day on roads in my country horribly dies about the same amount of people and no one gives a single flying fuck about it. But then same people die in a plain crush and it’s a nation-wide tragedy for some reason. To be honest, if I try to dig into actual emotions I feel about stuff like that, I can find out this kind of feels look rather... wrong to me. I know people can’t help but to feel whatever way they do, and there’s no such thing as “wrong emotions”, I definitely won’t be the one to judge them. But from my POV, it’s really hard to understand this negative hype around it.

Meltdowns. Not sure I ever had an actual meltdown, perhaps as a kid. But I might not even get the idea of what it is well enough. Heavy sensory stimulation actually causes me lots of discomfort. Like, neighbors drilling their walls almost on daily basis is an utter nightmare for me. I still stick my fingers into ears like a kid, yeah. And then try to poke at my macbook’s touchpad with whatever I get left - elbows, tongue, toes... To find at least some distraction from the noise. Eh. Not sure what’d happen if I wasn’t protecting myself from this kind of stuff, tbh, I never neglected this kind of safety measures to find out if I’d be able to handle it.

About no emotions until being hit. Hmm, maybe, not sure. To me it’s more often just no emotions from one specific trigger until.. well, until the trigger is gone lol. It just never occurs if it’s not there, yet when it’s there - it’s there. 

Being in love and having best friends. Never was in love. Seriously, I doubt I’m capable of it. And not sure the best friend thing relates to me either. I had some friends, but never the kind of friends whom I could entrust much about myself. Like, the schizoid person I still consider best friend doesn’t even know I have this blog lol. Or that I write a book, for example. I feel uncomfortable with the fact that people who knows me would also know... well, me. Knowing some part of my life is ok, but no way someone would have access to everything. And the better I know people, the less I feel like sharing. Yet I have absolute no issue with writing this kind of personal stuff anonymously and hundreds of people potentionally reading it.

Previous diagnosis. At early childhood I was suspected to have autism, actually. Or, well, it was long time ago so it was more of a “some development malfunction” diagnosis. I started speaking way too late, but by the time I was able to hack into this speech thing, I already was rather fluent at it, could understand more than my peers, etc. Same happened with reading. And from then on any language, be it human or programming, I can pretty much grab and use, if I want. I can turn in some youtube video on whatever language I’ve no idea about, turn in automatically generated subtitles translated to English and understand most of it, and after few hours getting the basic structure and matching a few common words with their meaning by ear. It might be related to that “could’ve had autism”, but not sure, it’s still not something I explored much with professionals as adult. And yeah, ADHD in some of its (subtile and inactive) forms could be the case too.

Stock friends. Eh, probably? I mean, some kids used to stuck on me now and then in school or college. I didn’t care much, but I tolerated them as long as they weren’t too annoying at least for the sake of dragging at least tiny bit less attention to my own weirdness. It felt like a safer option, yet most time I still have spent alone. 

Relationships and one night stands. Well, I’m aro ace agender, so... Actual romantic relationships were always out of question for me, tbh. Never tried, never feel like trying in the future. Had somewhat of an experimental semi-relationship with a friend, but it wasn’t romantic much and never was intended as long-lasting (at least, not on my part). We’re still friends, by the way, there was no “break-up” (coz there wasn’t much to break in first place). 

As for one-night-stands thing - yeah, that’s pretty useless for me either. Not that I’d had anything against it, were I in need to have sex. Perhaps, if I had that need, it would be the way to go for me. But since nothing really drives me for this shit, I’m fine without it.

Religion. Atheist down to the bone marrow. There was never really a dilemma for me, I knew it’s all utter BS the moment I’ve heard what the fuck is the fuss about this “God” thing people are talking about. Mind you, my mother is kinda religious (not in actual practice way, but she sees no logical issue with the idea of religion, that’s for sure). But she never dared to bring me to church for that orthodox christian initiation practice, what’s it called? Probably was afraid I’d yap about what idiots they are to believe it right in the middle of being shoved in a bucket of “holy” water lol.

Ok, that’s about it. :) And what about y’all? Feel free to add, I’ll reblog.

[maximuswolf]

A Story with Uncertain Results via /r/ADHD

A Story with Uncertain Results

Hey everybody, I’m new to this subreddit for a similar reason most new people around here are, which is that I was recently diagnosed with ADHD (age 18……. Better late than never I guess). I noticed a distinct lack of full stories on this subreddit, and I thought it would be interesting to talk about mine to compare.

I consider myself pretty smart. At least, that’s what I’ve always been told. I suppose I could be placed in that class of student who frustrates the “good students” by doing as well as them without studying or even paying attention. I never needed to. Elementary school is strange in that it is exceptionally boring from a schoolwork perspective for those even slightly above average in intelligence. I was the “smart kid” in elementary school, and American school systems do a pretty shitty job of identifying problems in students who aren’t failing. For you see, sustained attention problems do not present themselves when assignments take less than 10 minutes. Task switching is not a problem when you finish tasks so early you get a full 30 minutes between them. Emotional regulation problems aren’t considered when you are a boy (boys will be boys… ok boomer). Now, something that’s actually kind of funny about this is that I absolutely should have gotten lower grades than I did. There was a test I took in 3rd grade where I answered the correct letter for the previous question for the middle half of the test and skipped a question, and my teachers only counted the one I skipped incorrectly. According to them, I just went too fast and that was the only problem.

Fast forward to middle school, which I think is the point that a lot of undiagnosed kids crash for the first time. I bombed the second quarter of middle school with possibly more unsubmitted assignments than submitted ones. It took a ton of work to get back on track, but this wasn’t much of an issue either because, even though I had 30 assignments I needed to complete, none of them took more than 10 minutes and I had 3 weeks to do it. Now, had I been unassisted, they simply wouldn’t have happened, but my history teacher used her own class time to force me to complete my missing assignments for other classes and told my parents that it was just a “boy in middle school” thing. Apparently nobody bothered to note that this was not something that happened for literally any other middle school boy. I did fairly well in the rest of middle school, and now we reach the point in my life where all those emotional skills ADHD doesn’t come with kick in. I never had good friends. I’m sure you could’ve picked this up by now, but as a younger child I was extremely arrogant. In 8th grade though, I actually met some people with whom I spoke. Often. The most important person in this group to include in my story is my future girlfriend, and future future ex-girlfriend.

I was vaguely aware of her crush on me for a long time in 8th grade, but I am not a naturally emotionally available individual, and expressing feelings and physical touch made me extremely uncomfortable for a number of ADHD and non-ADHD related reasons. However, this girl was attached to me, and my lack of emotional tact steadily wore down on her emotional state. When I finally decided that I would actually date her in 9th grade, she had depression for reason both under and not under my control (her relationship with her parents was…. strange to say the least). Over time, it became difficult to talk to her and we both decided it would be better if we parted ways, but that started the long chain of persisting mental health problems that I struggle with today.

Low self esteem was a new experience for me, and anxiety wasn’t something I was used to either. They both hit pretty hard. Hard enough that I quickly also became depressed. My grades suffered, and so my mental state suffered, and so my grades suffered further. At the time, I attributed the grades dropping exclusively to my mental state. I barely ended that year without a C, ending with an A and 6 Bs. One B was a for a class in which I had 11 zero quiz grades throughout the year and a 44 test grade. In this class, we were expected to make 30-70 detailed notecards each unit for the subject we were on. Each one could take 5-10 minutes. And they were incredibly boring to write. Sounds like a great assignment for someone with ADHD. Ironically, I remember trying to force myself to write the notecard about ADHD (it was a psychology class, actually).

I struggled with depression off and on over the next two years and anxiety was a problem that just kept getting worse. Junior year went pretty well, and then Covid hit. I lost the ability to do anything. My anxiety prevented me from asking my teachers for help with anything, and I absolutely needed the help. The primary contributor to my anxiety was an inferiority complex developed through my math classes. I just could not do as well as my peers. I would carry our table through problems during units, but when we got to the test, I would do a good 10 points worse than anyone I thought I should be equal to or better than. I also worked to the time limit on every last one, frequently not finishing them.

My grades were shaky at best for every year of high school other than the first, and this wasn’t something anyone, including my parents had seen from me before. I was constantly bombarded by my parents’ assumption that I had just ceased to care and just didn’t want to do any work. It was destroying me. At one point near the end of sophomore year, I genuinely considered offing myself for about 5 minutes at midnight sitting on the couch of my pitch black living room. I didn’t, but it was closer than I’d like to admit.

Back to senior year, and my depression had mostly subsided. I’m dating again, a rather tomboyish girl who I love dearly (she’d cringe at that sentence). My anxiety ever worsened. I procrastinated asking for college recommendation letters long enough that I had to wait to apply regular decision because my teachers would only write recs if given that extra time, and I don’t even know why I couldn’t get myself to ask. Logically it would be a fear of rejection, but I have no idea why that would be as I’ve never really been rejected in a meaningful situation.

My grades have been ok in online school, but the more important part of this final year of the story is finally talking to my pediatrician about my anxiety…. at 18 years old. Some of the problems I mentioned were apparently inconsistent with anxiety, so I was also referred for a psych eval for neurodevelopmental disorders, but I immediately started therapy for anxiety and depression, which had been alright.

I was evaluated in mid-December, and on the 17th of January I had my telehealth appointment for the evaluation. Fuck. When asked by my therapist what I thought might be wrong with me, I responded “social anxiety and mild ADHD.” Boy was I understating. Apparently feeling as though you are far behind your true potential for several years and being constantly bombarded with others telling you you aren’t good enough does a thing to a person. About that off and on depression I mentioned earlier? BAM cyclothymia. Generalized anxiety disorder wasn’t a surprised, but what did surprised me was my diagnosis of not mild, not even just moderate, but moderate to severe predominantly inattentive ADHD. I’ve actually got the scores from the WAIS-IV I took to compare sections that are heavily impacted by ADHD and those that are not. The section least impacted by ADHD is Verbal Comprehension, on which I scored a 127. My other scores are the real kickers though (I sound old here don’t I…. fuck…. I blame having old parents): Perceptual reasoning: 96, Processing Speed: 89, Working Memory: 80.

Anyways, that was something of a shock. Today was my second day on the minimum dose size for Concerta, and….. I feel exactly the same. I might be a little more awake than usual? I’m also noticeably more tired around 6 pm, but that might just be that I have to wake up earlier now.

So anyways, that’s where I am right now. I’m sure this is difficult to read and I apologize for dumping my life onto this post, but I thought it would be interesting to hear some other peoples’ more detailed experiences, thanks for reading if you got this far.

TL;DR Honestly I don’t think I can really TL;DR this but basically, slightly worse version of stereotypical 18 y/o diagnosis of inattentive type

Submitted January 21, 2021 at 10:22PM by Most-Hedgehog-3312 via reddit https://ift.tt/3p6Yeh3

[thedanny522]

Hello all,Warning: kind of long post because this is important to meBackground: I am a 22 yr old male who just graduated from college. My degree is in communications with general business and anthropology as my minors ending with a 3.5 GPA and honors. Originally, I was majoring in marketing, but changed a year into school.I was only recently exposed to the prospect of affiliate marketing within the last 2 months as I have been increasingly interested in becoming an entrepreneur and working for myself. As a result, I have invested in a drop shipping service with my business partner which has only just begun in the last 2 months which I expect will bring me personally 2-5k a month eventually (fingers crossed). I have a good relationship with the service leaders and talk on a daily basis for those skeptical and my partner has known them for 2 years.During my time at school I had decided that I would get a good sales job after school as I am a natural salesman and did life insurance sales for summer of 2019. During my time selling life insurance I realized that I am not very enthused about working under someone, especially with sales. I am not a very manipulative person or anything, I'm just good at forming rapport and connecting with people. I hate the aspect of greed and toxicity in the sales environment. I think I would go crazy/depressed if I spent my whole life doing sales, even if I made good money which I expect regardless.Given the ongoing pandemic I now have plenty of time to think of what I want to do and the best idea for my sense of freedom would be internet marketing. I am simply just not sure how to go about it. I have money to start, but I can't seem to get over the idea of failing to have consistent income after 6+ months or so. I would absolutely love to do it full time, but the Boomers in my life (parents) think I should go for pharma or med device sales like my rich plastic surgeon uncle thinks I should. Am I being negligent to think I should do internet marketing over sales? Should I do both? I feel my time would be wasted or spent inefficiently if I pursued both rather than one or the other as I feel I must focus all my energy into the pursuit of success in one or the other. I love the "freedom" that comes with affiliate marketing this is the most enticing part of my conundrumI am aware of free courses to learn SEO and what not that are currently available and have been lurking on this subreddit, r/marketing, r/Entrepreneur and r/sales for months. I just need some encouragement/advice/knowledge or whatever!I have been debating on trying out Robby Blanchards Commission Hero course. It seems like a solid entry point for my journey into AM. I don't know though as I could just get a sales job and pursue that, but I really don't want to deep down, especially since I would have to deal with a lot of people during a pandemic and would be living with my two immunocompromised parents until I get enough steady income to pay for my own place. Sales just seems like a toxic culture that I am not interested in even if it is a traditional job that old people seem to think is essential. I know I will become obsessive with what I choose to do as I have pretty strong ADHD and am extremely motivated to be successful as my parents are not that monetarily secure and it is my life's goal to support them for the rest of their lives as they have given me my position in life. Many of my friends don't even know what affiliate marketing is and think it is a BS MLM just from its name or something so I am kind of at the mercy of the internet. I would love to discuss things over messaging or even form relationships with good, honest people and discuss my position and previous profitable ventures like car flipping when I was a teenager and prove that I mean business.Thanks for reading. I have a lot to say on this matter but I will keep it shorter rather than longer. I appreciate any responses or knowledge.TLDR: Just graduated college, conflicted on going for AM vs Sales, need first hand advice. via /r/Affiliatemarketing

[electronicfury]

I hate my adhd. And I hate my school system.

I just got a private message from my english teacher and I haven’t read it but I know it’s about the essay I still haven’t turned in because the subject heading is “Beloved Essay” (Beloved is the book we read).

This is what I want to tell her, what I want to message back, what I want to explain to her.

Look, I know this is kind of ridiculous that I don’t have it done yet despite how much time has passed, but for some reason, the words aren’t coming for me for this essay. I mean that as in I haven’t had such bad writers block in so long that I actually don’t remember the last time this bad of a block happened. I know you’re just being a teacher and trying to remind me to get it done but I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to write it. Seriously. It’s not even about not wanting to, it’s about not having the capability, mentally, to do it. The writers block kind of mental incapability. I know I have an F in this class right now, even though I completed the other summative assignments and got good scores on them. I’m at the point right now that I really just need to know if I can pass this class without writing the essay. I know this sounds ridiculous but it’s not, to me, anymore. I know that if I have an F at the end of all this that I won’t be able to graduate, that I need the credit, although I don’t know if last semester’s grade is counted into the final grade and then if that would be enough to let me graduate? I’m serious about this. All I wanted for this last semester, specifically for your class, was to learn and absorb enough to do well on the IB exams so that I could get the college credit and get out of having to do another class, whatever it would be, maybe it would be an english class, maybe it was a free elective, either way none of that mattered to me. So now that the IB exams for english are cancelled, my only purpose, as I’ve been putting it, in this class, is to graduate. I’m trying so hard to just relax for once, just for this last semester of high school. I know I’ll be fine if I get all Cs this semester and all I’m trying to do is get through this. The thing is, I’m having a really hard time doing that, and I really don’t need outside pressure to get work done because all the pressure i could need is already internalized. I just want to graduate so I can get to college ok? I’ve been waiting to go for so so long. I picked my major in 8th grade and made a huge list of possible colleges and ranked them on like 6 things to help decide which was the best for me. And I didn’t even pick my major for the hell of it, I did it because I was depressed, like major, clinical, depression. I was losing all motivation to keep trying in school, that’s why. I had realized that although I knew that I was doing my best in my honors classes so that I could get scholarships and the grades to get into really good schools so I could make good money afterward and live comfortably, I had no idea what college or a career would be for me. I felt very lost, like in a void lost, not the more typical kind where you just don’t know who you are. I knew who I was. But I was undiagnosed for severe adhd, and as nice and sometimes as fun as my teachers were, it hurt when they told me to get organized, or focus, or just do my homework. I had more than 30 missing assignments beginning around october of 7th and 8th. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, or why I was such a bad student. The antidepressants weren’t working, all they did was subdue emotional expression in my body, so I still felt everything in my head, but if I was sad or angry, nobody could tell. Life was full of not being able to cry, panic attacks which I didn’t know the term for so I thought I was throwing tantrums like a child, and hours and hours spent laying on my bed with my thoughts and loud music from my headphones. Life was awful. All I wanted was to be in college. You know why? Because when I was really young, like around 5 years old young, I read a childrens book sent to my family by my mom’s college and their mascot, a red bird with big black eyebrows, explained that college is a wonderful place. It’s where you can learn anything you want, explore your interests, be yourself! And be surrounded by, and I quote, “like-minded people” that get you. People that know what it’s like and that enjoy the same activities that you do. Share the same passions. And I thought that was wonderful. All I’ve wanted was that, ever since. I just wanted, all my life, to be good enough to get into a good college, so I could be happy, meet people I loved to be around, that understood me, and so I could have financial stability. I’m not kidding. The words I use now are long and are from an adult vocabulary but I swear on my life that it’s true. You can ask my parents, they got shit from other parents because they thought my mom and dad had started talking me about college. They hadn’t of course. I had just read a book. But now I have all this anxiety that this school system has created in me with all the high expectations and the pushes to challenge myself, the drive to be better. i have all this anxiety and I guess that helped most kids but I’ve been here since kindergarden and it’s hurt me so much. I was told to make plans to get homework done when I had straight Bs in all my classes, most of which were honors, just because they were missing. Not to raise a grade, even though that was the pretense. So now, in my last semester of high school? I can finally relax. I was accepted very quickly into my college of choice. I’m supposed to move into my apartment in August, which I’m so grateful for, and is so amazing, and is only a couple blocks from my building, so long as I still go to college this fall. My mom isn’t sure because of the economic ressession, which is really the only part of the coronavirus that has really hurt me, besides not being able to go to stores. I just really wanted some materials so I can make things, you know? This last semester, all I wanted to do was let go. Do the assignments I wanted to do, learn what I can, just take what would be valuable to me and leave what I don’t need. And just get through IB exams. Have fun at prom, and graduate summa cum laude even though I didn’t deserve it, owing my GPA to being in IB classes. Happiliy graduating without the IB diploma. Happy with my decisions. I just wanted to be happy this last semester. That’s all I wanted. I want to put myself first instead of academics for what feels like the first time in my life. Focus on what I wanted to do. That’s it. Simply because it feels like the first time that I can safely allow myself to. So please, just tell me what I need to do, just to graduate. Will there be other summatives in this class so I won’t finish this semester with an F? Rather enough to make enough points, assuming at least getting Bs, to get at least a C in this class? If I do end this semester with an F, will I really not graduate or will I be ok? I’m sorry, I know you’re just trying to be a good teacher and help or at least try to push your students to succeed, but you have to understand that my goal is different. I’m just not reaching for that right now. So yes. I know I should get the essay in. Believe it or not, I kept up with the reading. The whole time. This whole year, I’ve come to class with the reading done. There’s no way to show you that, and I do my homework for this class and history during my open hour day-of, so the discussion posts that would’ve shown that didn’t because I was just trying to get done enough to keep up in class. Time crunch and all. I just feel like I’m fighting with my brain. I feel like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do, to be able to do everything anyway, but my brain just won’t let me have the success most other people can have. I’m not lazy, I’m not procrastinating, I just have a brain that can’t handle very much. And after so many years? And all the thought I’ve put to it? I’ve come to the conclusion that, ultimately, it’s not my fault. I can’t blame myself or my choices for why my brain won’t let me handle big loads. Won’t let me be calm under time pressure. Just, all things it pulls at me, really hard, not to do. It’s not my fault and I’m not going to blame myself for my pitfalls like I have in the past. It’s a waste of my time and energy and emotion. It hurts and I’m trying really hard to instead, forget it and forgive myself without asking for forgiveness because I can’t do anything to go back and do something different just so I won’t regret how I chose to spend my time. So please. Just tell me if I really have to do this essay or not. If I need to come up with something to submit, or if it’s going to be fine if I don’t. Just please, I don’t need your concern, I just need to know what I have to do to graduate, and if I can, with at least a C in this class. That’s all I want. A C for this semester, and to get through the rest of high school. I’m sorry for rambling so much, I just don’t know how to explain things succinctly but I needed you to know what’s going on with me. I know, if we’re being honest, that I won’t matter to you a year from now. So just give me straight answers, please?

Thank you so much for your time,

Corilyn

Ok. I think I’m ready to open the message now.

I just read it. It was kind. She asked if I’d made any progress and said that I should get it wrapped up soon so it’s not a burden when school starts up again. She said to do my best, “the best you can right now -- not the best you could ever do given the perfect circumstances”. She said I can reach out if I have questions. And that she has confidence in me.

I should’ve opened it this morning when I saw the notification because that isn’t nearly as direct and harsh as I expected. But I still don’t know how to respond. How do I tell her that despite how nice that is to hear, that she’s just checking in, not demanding it be done soon, that she wants it done not so she can grade it but so it’s not a burden on me, that it feels... Very, good to hear the she has confidence in me, that despite that, I still don’t know if I can do this? How do explain that my anxiety has created a block that’s been preventing me from writing the essay? That for a short moment, her vote of confidence made the block seem half as thick, but that I still can’t see myself finishing it? That I can’t find words to write the essay with? How do I respond? How can I explain in less than 6 sentences what I’m dealing with? I don’t want to disappoint her and I know that’s my fear of authority and the trained anxiety talking but I’m so scared of hearing harsher words and I don’t know how to respond. My two-years-younger sister isn’t awake, she usually helps me with this. But I’d be afraid of what she’d say to respond with. She doesn’t have adhd or anxiety about academics. She has anxiety about other stuff. But she wouldn’t understand. I can tell. I’ve explained how I feel to her before. She never said so but I know she doesn’t get it. Why I am this way? So I don’t know what I’m going to do. Probably not respond and try again to write an essay about a book that I hated reading. But if someone has an answer for me, I’d really like to give her a response. 

tldr: I need help. Not the 911 kind.