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tenthgrove · 3 years

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hi! could i request some platonic la squadra with a team member who's autistic and mainly stims by repeating short phrases (echolalia but idk how to phrase it) and has/had a hard time unmasking around them? feel free to take as many liberties as you need to, your writing is so fun to read! <33

La Squadra Says Autism Rights

La Squadra x Reader (GN), Platonic, SFW

(A/N: I just wanted to say a particular thank you to this requester because I've been itching to write autistic reader headcanons for months and this finally gave me the right prompt to do it. I definitely want to write more in the future.)

Formaggio- He might be neurotypical, but autism runs in his family (and his social circle as an adult) so he's learned a fair bit how best to interact with you people. He knows his loudness and teasing can be an issue for autistic people with sensory issues or trouble with sarcasm, so he'll drop it around you if that's the case. As far as he's concerned your vocal stim is a non-issue because 'some people just do that, it doesn't hurt anyone' and he doesn't comment on it unless you're using it to show happiness, in which case he always acts chuffed. He behaves sympathetically to your troubles with masking, and makes a point of acting laid-back so it's easy for you to turn down the pressure on yourself. To Formaggio, not being able to be yourself would be one of the worst fates imaginable, so he wants to do what he can to make it easier for you to let loose.

Illuso- You might expect Illuso's understanding to be low, but at this point with so much of the team being neurodivergent themselves Illuso doesn't bat an eyelid. Repeating short phrases is certainly a new one, but nothing he can't put up with. Sometimes, he might ask you what your murmurings mean, but he doesn't mean it in a judgy way. Now, as for your masking, you would be surprised how much he can relate. Illuso's self esteem is secretly down the gutter, and he often feels like the confident persona he puts on is secretly an act. When you tell him you feel like you're putting a show every day of your life, he feels you. The two of you have a lot of heartfelt conversations when you're alone, confessing how you really feel about yourselves away from the act you're performing. It's not something Illuso does often, be this honest even with a friend. But he can't help but find that it's... therapeutic.

Prosciutto- Like with anything a friend of his may be insecure about, Prosciutto very much looks at autism through the lens of identifying positives. This by no means says that he ignores your difficulties or tries to creative positives that aren't there, only that he takes note of your strengths no matter how much you try to deny them and makes sure you remember you have them. He doesn't try to 'fix' your echolalia because he knows it's better to work with an autistic person's traits than erase them, but he does teach you mental diversion techniques to help you tone the stim down when you need to (e.g. when you're trying to be stealthy). Regarding your masking, he can somewhat admire it as a useful skill to have- it's possible you could turn it into the skills of an excellent actor while under cover, but he also appreciates the impact this must be having on your self-esteem to have to hide yourself 24/7, so he wants to help you learn to cut it down. This, of course, is done through plenty of praise and reminding of your strengths. You are a wonderful addition to the team, even without your mask, and he won't let you think any less.

Pesci- When Pesci gets stressed it affects him a lot too. Sometimes he does things like fiddle with random items in his hands until they break or bounce his leg so hard the table shakes, which always get him strange looks. He appreciates the rationale of your stimming and would never judge you for it. If you're in a situation where you absolutely need to stop stimming, for instance if a team is visiting who isn't on good terms with La Squadra, he is a good bet for subtly and respectfully helping you be aware of when you're starting to do it so you can quickly stop. Just a gentle nudge to your arm when you start to whisper is all it takes. He also has a lot of empathy for the fact you has to mask, since he imagines it to be like a more extreme version of how he had to invent this whole 'tough guy' personality after he got involved in the gang. He found that really hard too, so he can imagine what it must be life to do that sort of thing your whole life. At least with him, you feel less of a pressure to put on an act.

Melone- There's a certain intellectual curiosity in Melone towards the various neurodivergent conditions, compounded by a strong personal empathy now he has so many friends who have them. He is saddened by the failure of the common consensus to understand such individuals, and wants to do what he can to help them appreciate their full, unique potentials. Melone is quick to recognise your behaviour as stimming, and hence understands that the stress of being called out on it would only make it worse. He is sympathetic to your plight with masking, and has a few ideas you could try if you want to start reducing it in safe circumstances. He has heard that one barrier to unmasking can be trouble identifying the 'true self' you have to go back to, so to remedy this he asks non-critical questions that help you explore your real, unmasked personality and be comfortable in it. Whenever you go off-script and talk to him as your true-self, he praises you for it and assures you that you are just as wonderful a person to him like this.

Ghiaccio- We arrive at the first member on the list who (in my headcanon) is autistic himself. Although the mangling of verbal speech is typically annoying to him, Ghiaccio would never become angry at someone who did it because of their neurodivergence. After all, if he didn't respect the effects of your autism, what reason do you have to return the favour? Ghiaccio makes a point of not hurrying you along when you start to repeat yourself as a stimming technique, and it goes a long way with helping you be calm around him. The masking however, is a different matter. He's not going to be angry at you per say, since he knows from experience the pressure you must be facing to put on an act this way, but he very much prefers it when people are their authentic selves around him. After all, he has enough issues knowing their true intentions as it is. He won't get angry, but he will gently encourage you to open up about him, even if it's something as little as stating what you really want point-blank when you're nervous too. He is very understanding about how hard this is, however.

Risotto- Another autistic individual himself, Risotto is also perfectly empathetic to your behaviour. As an adult, he doesn't really stim, rather just faze out entirely, but at the end of the day that still gets him a lot of strange looks so he can appreciate the range of feelings you may have about your own stim. What's really great about Risotto is that he learns pretty quickly how to differentiate between your happy-stims and your stress-stims, to an extent nobody else on the team is able to. He always seems very content to see you happy-stim, warmed by the knowledge that you are feeling good right now. As for your stress-stims, he is quick to help you escape from the situation if at all possible, and hold your hand comfortingly if not. And the whole masking thing? He understands painfully well. Risotto's masking game on-point, but it irks him greatly to keep it up, not to mention that he hates the paralysing anxiety that hits him whenever he tries to unmask. Even when he wants to, he can't always be himself in front of the team. He may not have a solution for you, but he at least has his full empathy.

Sorbet and Gelato- While Sorbet is, as far as he's aware, neurotypical, Gelato is very much autistic as well. He's also got ADHD to boot, so he's well versed in the neurodivergent experience. His stim is quite similar to yours, in that he makes quiet, high-pitched, almost chirp-like noises, so he sees your echolalia as something he has in common with you. Gelato doesn't really bother with masking any more, the only exception being people who could quite literally kill him if he offended them. Though he encourages you to let go and be yourself, consequences be damned, he of course completely understands the pressure to keep masking. Sorbet, despite being neurotypical, is at this point more surrounded by autistics than not. He's been married to Gelato for the best part of the decade, his closest friend is Risotto, and he's practically Ghiaccio's dad at this point. Adding one more neurodivergent to the mix is hardly a big step, and he is very well-versed in your behaviours and how to interact with them.

#la squadra #la squadra di esecuzione #la squadra x reader #formaggio #formaggio x reader #illuso #illuso x reader #prosciutto #prosciutto x reader #pesci #pesci x reader #melone #melone x reader #ghiaccio #ghiaccio x reader #risotto nero #risotto nero x reader #sorbet and gelato #sorbet and gelato x reader

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musashi · 4 years

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Give us the jessie bpd rant

JESSIE TEAMROCKET HAS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: A POST

[Paraphrased behaviours. I’m not a psychologist I just read the DSM-5 for fun. This is not a diagnostic tool, but if you identify with this post maybe look into some actual ones and learn some fun stuff about yourself.]

Identity problems, an unstable sense of self.

Jessie describes herself as adaptable, someone who can fit in anywhere, and this is indeed one of her strengths! She doesn’t let a lack of experience or qualifications discourage her because she believes that she can shift and change to suit her environment, and she’s right!

It’s also a major weakness of hers, though. Jessie in her element (when she’s her true self) is loud, confident, assertive, and bold. However, whenever she 'imprints’ on someone she throws her true personality aside entirely--buries it under the facade of someone who is malleable, softspoken, easy to be around, does whatever they can to make the person they love choose them. This trait of hers, and how it’s a fault, is a MAJOR plot point in XY063.

there’s a scene early on in this episode where she’s partially paralyzed from a stun spore, and Dr. White, the man who saved her from drowning, feeds her a berry to fix it. She poses triumphantly with her arms in the air and shouts ‘THAT DID THE TRICK!’ then realizes she’s being too loud around an attractive man and immediately throws her hands over her mouth, trying to stop more words from coming. It’s an incredibly effective way of showing how contradictory Jessie is when she imprints on someone. The Jessie we know would never even think of second guessing how much room she takes up in the world.

In this episode, Jessie has feelings for Dr. White, and she completely buries her personality to make herself a silent, sweet, softspoken housewife in the hopes that he’ll fall in love with her. Dr. White instead falls for his childhood friend, a loud, rude, brash girl who likes to fight, calls him a wimp and tells him to fuck off when he presses her buttons.

The tragedy of this episode is that Jessie is forced to confront this about herself--this way she shifts and changes to keep people near may very likely have caused her to lose something here. She’s forced to reckon with the idea that if she had just been herself, he might have loved her back. Not in spite of her personality, but because of it.

In Borderlines, this trait is often a survival mechanism, driven entirely BY:

A debilitating fear of potential abandonment, perceived or based in past trauma.

Jessie’s childhood trauma, though not often discussed, hinges entirely on her abandonment issues. She was given up to foster care around kindergarten age, which was long enough to learn to love her mother before never getting to see her again. Jessie’s implied to have been a deeply lonely child who never had a family to call her own, and who didn’t fit in with any other girls her age because she was too poor to afford even basic food and couldn’t keep up.

When Jessie opens up about her love life, she doesn’t go into specifics, only mentioning that it’s been full of nothing but heartbreak thus far. She’s an unreliable narrator, always, but when she’s inviting pity on herself it’s almost always manipulation to gain something, and these moments don’t seem to have that element. When she talks about her love life in EP100, it’s very carefully accented with this image:

In her adolescence, Jessie tried to center herself around her passions, pursuing them whenever she was handed the opportunity. Frequently, though, she’d find herself meeting people and growing attached to them, and would eventually reach a crossroads where she forced herself to choose between the people she cared about and the goals she chased relentlessly.

The biggest example of this is DP073, where she chooses to stay and train to be an idol, rather than to travel with the boy she’s in love with.

She ends up not passing her audition, losing both him and her shot at her career. This starts Jessie’s descent into compulsively abandoning/parting ways with everyone in her life in an attempt to control how people exit her story. The only way to prevent yourself from being abandoned with 100% certainty is, of course, to leave them before they can leave you.

This kinda blends into the next point, which is:

Instability in personal relationships.

As previously mentioned, Jessie has a tendency to leave people behind & sever ties. It’s only speculation on my part, but it would make sense that she does this because she has been left behind in so many regards and by so many people she loved, it’s the only way she feels she can take control of this phenomenon.

People who watched a lot of OS back in the day, but don’t necessarily keep up with the series much now, will famously circulate Jessie’s speech to the Ghost of Maiden Rock in EP020. The maiden was a woman who died waiting for her lover who was out at sea, and since her death her spirit’s remained on the cliffside in the hopes that he would come home. Jessie shoots the ghost of the maiden with a fucking bazooka half her height and says this:

This is lauded by 90s kids everywhere as a #GirlPower speech about how Jessie don’t need no man (which is true), but it’s actually, like... kinda tragic? She hates the ghost of the maiden because she sees herself in it, and she takes the opportunity to proclaim that what she sees of herself makes her sick to look at. This speech she gives is so aggressively out of nowhere and so long and rambling that you have no choice but to read it as deeply personal. She just short of confirms that you can’t leave Jessie because Jessie leaves FIRST.

And you GET to see this in action. Jessie struggles so hard with loyalty. In ALL her relationships! Literally all of them. Every time something shakes up her foundation with a person in her life, she hardlocks herself into run run RUN mode because there’s a slight chance they might leave her and she CANNOT have that.

It was shown in the most explicit detail in the side story about what she was like in training, where Jessie’s inability to stay beside various partners in Team Rocket is literally the trait that defined her to everyone in the organization.

There’s even a beautifully symbolic shot in the beginning of that episode where she abandons her 12th partner, and kneels down while the world literally collapses behind her.

In DP073, when Jessie sees her Dustox has fallen in love with another Dustox, she demands that Dustox leave despite the pokemon hesitating. She doesn’t let Dustox control that scenario--Jessie crushes her pokeball and demands she migrate with her mate.

When Meowth dips on her and James to work food service because he finds it more rewarding, Jessie doesn’t try to fight it, instead focuses her energy on also leaving her teammates in her dust because at least she can get out of there and move on before James abandons her.

When she realizes White loves another girl, she doesn’t bother to even say goodbye to him, she just leaves wordlessly with nothing in her wake but a bouquet of daisies, and when she remembers that oh right, her wobbuffet is also in love with White’s own--

She tries to leave him, too.

You can’t fire Jessie. Jessie quits.

This is the in-depth, analytical part of me Diagnosing Her. Everything else she exhibits is far more General and really doesn’t need a trained eye:

Instability in one’s goals, aspirations, or career: Jessie has a steady job in Team Rocket, but is constantly picking up side-hustles and being distracted by passions like acting, performing, contests, and the like. She’s left Team Rocket entirely before to pursue Contests, only to return almost immediately. (DP117)

Difficulty controlling the range/intensity of one’s emotional responses: Long past the Slapstick Days of the original series, Jessie’s still incredibly prone to outbursts. It’s not just anger--she reacts equally strongly when she’s sad, happy, lovestruck, anything. I have used this exact phrasing before, but Jessie doesn’t feel her emotions, she becomes them.

Poor impulse control: Kind goes hand-in-hand with the above.

Engaging in dangerous/risky/self-harming activities with no concern to personal limitations: This applies to all of Team Rocket, but Jessie seems to take it a step further in thinking she’s invincible. She’ll throw herself headfirst into anything, rarely backs down from a fight, and often has trouble taking rest days even when she needs them because she lacks self-preservation.

Hair-trigger temper: lol yeah.

Unstable emotions/mood swings: lol YEAH, Jessie will be crying one minute, screaming the next, immediately fine. She can cycle the whole spectrum of human emotion before you can finish a sentence.

Idealization & Imprinting: Jessie frequently rushes into relationships based entirely on the idea of a person, not grounded in reality. She becomes attached to people incredibly easy at times, willing to throw her entire life thus far away to run away with someone she’s just met.

Living entirely in the moment, unable to comprehend the past/future: Jessie prefers to go with the flow and, as previously mentioned, adapt if things don’t turn out in her favour. If something doesn’t work out for her, she immediately will turn in the other direction and start toward whatever’s there.

This post is so long and I could probably make it longer but I’m gonna stop here. My credentials are I’m an Incredibly Powerful Jessie Kinnie who has BPD herself as well as an autistic who’s special interest is the pokemon anime and team rocket specifically fdhdfghg.

IN CONCLUSION,

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rolls-of-the-tongue-nicely · 3 years

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Negative opinion about Edward Nygma in Gotham

Yesterday I saw a tweet answering to a Gotham confession (which told something like “Edward Nygma is a gross incel I don’t get why people loves him”) by telling “His whole character is he was actively abused and bullied throughout his whole fucking life and finally snapped?? The fuck is this person on...“

I was kinda angry, but I don’t think Twitter is the place to have a real discussion, plus I don’t like call out culture (this is why you will not see any link or @ in this post)

So. Edward Nygma.

Edward Nygma is kindaaaaa a gross incel. I’m sorry guys, I like him (especially when he finally find his Riddler persona) but season 1 Ed is very cringy to me. So yeah, he can have autistic traits and social awkwardness, I get why people can relate to it, but first, he fucking SMELT at Kristen, it’s not an autistic trait, it’s blatant creeps behavior. Second, he purposely rearrange Kristen’s archive, except it’s HER job, she didn’t ask for his help, he did it just for selfish reasons (because he thinks he knows better, because he wants she notices him). Its clearly sexist, he would never dare to do it if Kristen was a man.

By the way, he killed his boyfriend but still thinks he is better than him (lol) except he did worst because he didn’t just hurt her, he killed her.

Plus he thought she HAD to feel grateful so she HAD to be his girlfriend because he saves her during the Maniax attack. Typically incel mentality, thinking women HAVE TO give sexual/romantic affection to a man because he did something nice.

Other things (not about him to be an incel, but gross in general) : he does creepy things with body limbs, remember ? I don’t care it’s “not dangerous” or “just to punish (ahem trap) the coroner”, it’s still disgusting for the dead persons and their families.

Oh and remember how he says he loves Kristen and all the killing was an accident ? Well, he respected her so much he butchered her body. Nice way to show your repentance or your love, lol.

Plus, it’s psychopobia : autistic persons and social awkwards people are not “special geniuses” or “total psycho”, thank you very much for the cliché.

That was the first point, but now, we have to talk about the abuse and the bullying.

I totally can understand people loving Ed, and relating to his tragic backstory. And again, I hate the bullying he suffered, by Harvey Bullock and the other policemen (and probably the child abuse by his parents). It’s the moments in which s1!Ed is the most sympathetic, because the verbal violence is kinda gratuitous ! Ok, during an investigation it’s not the good time for riddles and random facts, but hey, it’s not a reason to be so agressive to him !

But abuses and bullying don’t protect you to become an abuser and a bully. You don’t automatically become an untouchable saint because you suffered. Some people maintain the cycle of violence, and it’s not better, it’s not a good way to answer, and it’s definitely not a good reason to kill, torture, harass people, in Ed’s case.

You can snap - especially if you suffer to psychological issues, the risk is more important - it’s understandable. But killing people ? Playing with corpses ? Trying to seduce someone who told you “No” again and again, making her vulnerable so she says yes ? Come on, it’s definitely off limits ! You can’t excuse this by “poor baby, he was bullied”

He is an adult. If he was bullied, he could relied on his boss, or change his job. Or eventually punch someone. I don’t know, anything someone can do when they snap. Because Ed’s snapping and killing people because they mocked/refused him ?

Kristen didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve he kills her boyfriend, making her feel enough distressed to accept his advances, she didn’t deserve to be strangled to death after probably have made love with him (so fucking creepy). Didn’t deserve her body dismembered and her glasses kept as a fucking token.

He killed her because she didn’t act according his fantasy. He would want the one to decide who she loves. Because he’s a cute patootie, a Nice Guy tm, so he DESERVES the girl, looooool

Think about that.

(please don’t tag in the Edward Nygma tag, I don’t want spread negativity, let people have fun)

#gotham #kristen kringle #sexism #psychophobia #nice guy tm #the riddler #edward nygma #negativity

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drake-the-incubus · 3 years

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What’s Bad for You is Good for Me

Or otherwise called, conflicting needs in representation. Which is most certainly a thing.

Sometimes we have specific needs ton representation that isn’t met due to certain circumstances. Recently I posted something about how Lazy Eyes are portrayed as inherently ableist, despite the fact I grew up with it being incredibly disabling and being treated poorly for having one, and in a discussion with other people, have been told they feel the same way.

Today, I saw a post about how someone being transphobic, complained about how trans characters gave him dysphoria. While he was incredibly transphobic about him, I realized that there’s intersectionality on representation no one really talks about.

We don’t talk about how it’s weird to define representation as good and bad depending on how stereotyped it looks. We just sort of do it.

Like, for example, a flamboyantly gay, gender-nonconforming man who is very open about his sexuality and might even be sexual. This is considered a horrible stereotype. I... I've known gay men like that who genuinely enjoyed the nice representation of those characters.

I think the issue is the difference between how it's played off, and why it's being done. And I'll use a few examples.

Power Puff Girls has the Devil who suspiciously borders on a transmisogynistic and homophobic stereotype, being a villain. The femininity that the character displays is part of the villainous routine, and there's not much to the character outside of this. When the character feels like it, he drops his femininity to become masculine and aggressive. Top it off with being the devil, it's pretty bad. This is bad representation, if not for the villain part, then for the fact that there's no substance to it at all.

Which is actually what the problem with representation usually is. It's two-dimensional, and it's villanizing. The character is not only that way because it makes them more villainous, but it also helps make us look horrifying to the viewers.

What changes when you include Lil Nas X's recent release, MONTERO (Call me by your name)? It's a form of self-expression and it's inherently fighting back against the need to sanitize oneself for an oppressing class. It's fighting back against the idea that in order to exist, we need to be pure. To be accepted into heaven we atone for being gay. It's a rejection of Modern Religion and society's base treatment of us.

And it's necessary. We can't have the soft, loving, sanitized rep. It can suit plenty of us. Being accepted into heaven- in spite of our flaw of being gay? I've been told that before- isn't what everyone wants. In order to have reached acceptance, we must not readily display the "bad" part of ourselves.

If a straight woman was to want for a dude, it's highly more accepted than if a man were to do it. Regardless of the man's input?

I can't go to a conversation, openly as a trans man, and discuss my attraction to men as a man, and not get shut down, "because it's weird" but I do have to sit there and hear talk about anime boobs. Sometimes for hours. Because you know, that's acceptable in society, me liking men as a dude isn't.

And the thing is, neither is bad. A gay man being openly sexual and open about his sexuality in media, so long as it's not his defining trait and he's not demonized for it in the media- aka villainizing a gay man who is flamboyantly gay and gnc is very common- it's good.

A gay man who is soft, caring and understanding for his partner, emotionally mature and shies away from his sexuality is also good. It's not representation I need, but for younger audiences it is.

A gay man who is selective in his men vs a man who isn't. We need both.

Representation makes us feel human. Like we're not horrible for existing, and one set is never going to be enough.

For example. I'm a very androgynous trans man. I wear dresses and makeup.

I enjoy the feminine trans characters because they can exist and so can I. I also enjoy the masculine trans characters.

I hate the written trans experience and I absolutely cannot stand fanfiction regarding trans man, regardless of which it is.

It's dysphoria-inducing. Why? Because it focuses on the aspect of being trans rather than the aspect of existing as a man, and those aspects tend to center around dysphoria or being AFAB. Either way, the experience is uncomfortable for me to interact with and can really bother me.

That form of representation isn't for me. I live the trans experience. I don't need it in my media. I want a person who lives the average life and happens to be trans. Where being trans isn't the center of the story.

Other people need it the exact opposite, and if being trans isn't integral it bothers them. They feel like being trans is on a higher level of their identity and their rep needs to reflect that.

In fact, I talked to another trans friend of mine, who said that the kind of stories that focus on the body being AFAB was reaffirming to them and it helped them along. They loved content like that. Where as I couldn't bear it, it caused me issues and I saw it personally as harmful.

The thing about rep isn't actually the stereotypes, most of the time. IE a feminine trans man character isn't bad rep, so long as he's an actual human being.

I also think the person making it and the intent behind the character are important.

Example 1: A cis woman who makes a trans woman villain the epitome of masculinity who is pretending to be a woman, and is defeated by a woman, is just bad rep.

Why? Because a) it targets and puts down another minority to uplift women. b) it intentionally tries to erase trans women from being women. c) it reinforces the stereotype that trans women are just men trying to pretend to be women and are inherently violent. d) it demonized masculine trans women who may have been denied- or do not want- to medically transition.

Example 2: Created by someone who is LGBT+ with input from a trans man. A trans man is flamboyantly gay, talks about how much he loves men quite a lot, and is known for being fairly feminine. He enjoys hobbies such as boating and fishing, and his story is about connecting with his community and accepting himself as a person without needing to give a part of himself up.

Is example 2 real? I hope it is, I'd enjoy that. But this is good rep. Yes, it plays on stereotypes, but this is a person. Their story is about their identity and they have traits outside of the stereotype. For a flamboyantly gay trans man, this would be perfect. If you challenged toxic masculinity in the movie and addressed how trans men feel the need to overperform into toxic masculinity for acceptance and how it ruins our connections with our emotions, it would be pretty great.

Example 3: Created based on a real person. A character who is clearly autistic, and struggles with communication, who acts childish and clearly has a prominent lazy eye. This character struggles with tasks but gets them right. This is done with input and the person's input

Bad Rep?

If you said yes you'd be wrong. A character based on a real human being can't be bad representation. Because a) they're human, and b) there's a nuance to people that needs to be addressed.

Human beings will never be a monolith and having a monolith idea of representation to show oppressors what we're like ignores the fact of human diversity.

I can only speak for myself. This means the topic of race and how to handle racial issues in media vs the sanitization of the culture people of colour have, is not one I can speak on, and I wish I could have input on it.

I'll add if I'm not cohesive enough, it's usually because of Autism and possible Comorbid ADHD fighting each other.

If someone better at the topic can handle this, feel free to reblog and add on, I'll reblog additions and reply to any concerns made.

#representation #diversity in media #what's bad for you is good for me

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unproduciblesmackdown · 3 years

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last few prompts

April 28th: If you could give advice to someone who just found out that they are autistic, what advice would you give?

idk that i have any Advice really but more just a Perspective lol, which is along the lines of like, that it's inherently good and helpful to have this language and lens for understanding this aspect of yourself, where it hardly has to necessarily be like "oh if autistic people have this information they can learn how to essentially Be More Allistic" but it's like, maybe prior to realizing you're autistic the most apparent General Pattern re: the situation is these seemingly negative "well what's wrong with Me" ones where other people don't seem to vibe with / Get / like you, and you might be having these difficult experiences that other people don't understand and might react badly to the way you're trying to move through it, or you have these traits / behaviors / tendencies / whatever that again other people dislike or consider Inconvenient or unsympathetic but you can't exactly shake them, And Such, basically like, you'll have Been autistic the whole time but what's most noticeable might be ways other people react negatively to you and/or how you might be having these negative experiences but seemingly the best thing to do is try to make them invisible to other people b/c you Can't expect help/support but Can expect people to react to this as you just being Weird / Difficult / Unreasonable, where basically the Negative Experience of allistic people's reaction to / treatment of you has to be compounded into another Negative Experience when the only way you can really understand that situation is "i guess something's wrong with me and the only way this can improve is if i manage to Act Right / Be Normal or whatever," which of course you can't, even when people can mask hard / a lot. and The Point here kind of is that having this different understanding of what's going on, even if it's hardly guaranteed to somehow be the key to navigating the world in an Ideal Way without any of the negative experiences of allistic people being what's "normal" and what situations you have to deal with because of it, you don't then have to have that Compounding of those less than ideal experiences where you don't really have any option but blame yourself or any "solution" but to try to Be Normal, which doesn't work, but you know. just knowing like "oh okay, i'm autistic, and now here's all this information / discussion of that experience via other people who share it" which can lead to that whole shift in your relationship with yourself and your understanding of what's even going on in your experiences and relationship with Other People in general that doesn't have to be that dead end of like, the only way to understand what's going on is one where you beat yourself up further over whatever experience involved other people (or situations engineered for/around other people) beating you up.

saw a quote from an autistic person the other day (about being both autistic and trans) along the lines of like, "if everyone hates me already, i may as well be happier with myself" re: having that better relationship with / understanding of yourself regardless of how it affects your relationship with Everyone Else really. and personally i'd sure like, be thinking at times like, i guess it's on me to figure out how to Be Likable / connect with others better or whatever, and you know, not like everyone doesn't always have to think about How they interact with others in whatever way, and that awareness / possible conscious efforts/changes in that regard are sure hardly bad, but when it's about stuff like trying to be allistic when you're not, cishet when you're not, and such, that's not going to actually lead to anything better. and realizing i'm autistic and how i've been able to learn about that (including plenty of "oh of course i already Knew About this sort of experience, but never heard it discussed at all / from this perspective" ways) sure has been a Positive Factor which yknow. hasn't led to me like oh nice finally i have all these friends and connect with / am understood by people / have The Normal Experience now or whatever, and yknow, trying to be "likable" and Connect Normally or whatever pretty much is just an unhappy experience, whereas it's always solidly positive to simply be like, oh epic, yeah i'm recognizing yet another aspect of my life that before was only just like, well i'm hearing about what's supposedly Normal for Everyone but that's not really how it is for me, and there's nothing more to work with than that, so it's seemingly just another point of alienation / isolation / something that's an obstacle to being treated normally or whatever. while also that, yknow, in Not trying to be Likable / Personable / Accepted / Etc Whatever the Normal Way, that also meant just like, yeah it sucks being isolated no matter what but sometimes that's how it is and you can at least have that improved relationship with yourself and a way of moving through the world / your life that doesn't put more of this unnecessary strain / effort / drain on you for no reward, and like, you don't have to talk yourself into whatever connection with anyone who seems willing to talk to you, or have it be this whole Performance where you can't be yourself anyways, or write off your own boundaries or whatever helps you be comfortable as simply unreasonable or counterproductive or whatever, so that's also good, namely, Less Bad.....the real distillation being that, regardless of whether understanding yourself better as an autistic person improves Interpersonal/Social Situations for you, it's automatically better to have this improved perspective on your own experiences and improved relationship with yourself

April 29th: How do you feel about shoes? Are they good sensory? Bad sensory? Are there certain types of shoes that you find more or less comfortable? Do you struggle with replacing shoes when they’re worn out?

it kind of depends, but i think generally i always find closed toed shoes to be kind of a hassle and less comfortable than like, sandals that are most just the soles strapped to your feet in whatever way, although i'll yknow, use closed toed shoes for whatever Practical Advantage they might afford, and usually like, if they're comfortable enough i might not be super bothered, but between the potential they feel too tight or whatever and like, socks not always being all that comfortable, it feels kind of similar to other potential Clothes Issues i have where a lot of the discomfort can just come from like, i don't like the awareness of whatever right against your skin, like, just more sensitive to that Pressure as well as Texture i guess, so while those elements can be like hell yeah an enjoyable stim experience, other times it's like, this shirt collar is too small / close to the neck, this Texture isn't soft enough, i gotta push up long sleeves to not be against the wrists / sliding down the forearms / getting in the way of bending my elbows, i don't want any shirt to be like, great news, this is gonna bunch up under your armpits / at the elbows, i prefer short sleeves to long, or sleeveless even, or shorts to longer pants, or sandals to sneakers........but beyond that i've never been too particular about shoes, like, have generally been kind of limited in options like. what shoes are here even in my size, and from there it's sort of like yeah i'm looking for comfort here but for me it hasn't had to be a huge deal, but that's also in part just b/c i never really replaced shoes too frequently and yeah it was like "well if it works i'll just wear these shoes until they don't fit / they're worn out" or whatever

April 30th: What would you like your overall message for autism acceptance month to be?

idk things that other people are saying already & better, but you know, that idk if you know you're autistic, genuine congratulations, and that knowledge doesn't have to be "ideally" treated like it's beside the point or best ignored or whatever, i.e. even if it's like "well i haven't really paid attention to that potential lens on my life / identity and i've been making it through so far," that's no reason to Not learn about whatever or connect with other people, even though it's like, the seeming message is always like "wow the more Not autistic people can be, the better" where it might apparently be extrapolated that, if you're autistic, the less relevant you regard it the better. which kind of leads into you know, the Acceptance part of things, accepting that autistic people always exist, it's nothing inherently bad, it's not a disease (where people need to be "cured" and they aren't autistic, they just Have autism and it can and should be separated from them, we can and should make people less autistic, there can and should be less autistic people, ideally none), it doesn't make anyone less human / reduce their humanity / worse as a person or anything like that, there's inherent value and joy in every individual's existence, and re: whatever seems to be a negative about being autistic it's like, actually examining and interrogating that, What does that negative effect stem from, how are people regarding and treating autistic people, what kind of support are autistic people getting or not getting. and you know, re: allistic people, just a great basic step to stop listening to allistic people talking about being autistic over what autistic people are saying, and like, even if you consider like "yeah okay i think autistic people should get to exist and possibly also that being autistic isn't inherently bad" like, also to think about how Supporting this perspective could actually play out in theory / in practice.

just as a p.s. to everything like well naturally didn't keep pace with these prompts Day To Day lmao but i enjoyed it, as time goes on i learn And talk more about being autistic pretty steadily lol, including just during this month, feels relevant to that first prompt in this post lmao like This Particular Exercise just mostly talking to myself with the highfives from a couple ppl i've already interacted more with, and it's always helpful to have it broken down into more particular questions vs it just being like "well gosh where to even start" or, you know, that i wouldn't've posted any of this stuff Unprompted, which, god forbid lmao but like i said i've enjoyed it at least and it's helpful to even casually try to kinda shake things out and put it into words, even though i will do so v verbosely and not too coherently, we don't have all day or an editor where this stuff can be honed down for no particular reason.......anyways yeah glad to talk about things. shoutout to autistic pride day eventually on june 18th

#30daysofautismacceptance #2021

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consummate-deviant · 5 years

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Why I Think Entrapdak is Pretty Neat

Hello! How’s the family? Cat treating you okay? Isn’t autumn just...like… the best? Anyway, so, my Hordak thing turned out to be kinda popular. I’m flattered, really! If there are people out there willing to reward me writing stuff with positive attention, then I’ll just have to write more stuff. I mentioned back then that I had a similar write-up about Entrapdak, as a ship… and there seemed to be a little bit of interest in hearing my thoughts on the subject. So, here ya go! I’m Lancer, by the by. Not a lot to me. I’m a guy who likes things, and who enjoys articulating why I like things. I don’t really do it for any particular reason. I’m not trying to pwn haters or convert nonbelievers… As you may recall, though you might have missed it (I tend to be very lowkey and subtle about it), I’m not your dad and have no interest in the position… unless it pays. I just feel like the internet doesn’t have enough positivity, and the best way to remedy that is to produce some of my own.

As fate would have it, I like Entrapdak. A lot. I don’t ship often... a relationship has to really sync with me on a profound level to make me invested enough in it to want to write about it, but this one did it. Now, I’m not really promising originality here. As someone who explores the tag frequently, I know that plenty have expressed feelings I’m going to share with you here, many of whom did so better than I ever could, but sometimes you want to share your perspective, even if others whose opinions mirror yours have done so in the past, y’know? It’s a human thing! The relationship is a little… polarizing with people, though, I’ve noticed. A lot of people hate it, and have various reasons for doing so. Again, I ain’t here to convert you if you feel that way, but I did feel like the best way to kick things off would be to look at some of the major reasons other people tend to react to the ship like it were horseradish on a hotdog, and why those reasons don’t really bother me. A part that I, in my infinite wit and adorned in my clever pants, have dubbed:

Part 1: Entrapdak- Why I don’t hate it

***EXAMPLE THE FIRST: “HORDAK, THE AGED”***

By now it’s fairly well known that Entrapta is somewhere in the range of her late 20s to her early 30s. Now a few people refuse to accept this, citing her behavior as childish and accusing the creators of lying. I’m not really going to engage with that perspective. Hordak and Entrapta have appeared together in creator works and concept art dating back to 2017. Their interactions were intended to be a part of the show from the early stages of its creation. If you have so little faith in Noelle that you believe she planned for her story to have a romantic-coded relationship between an adult and a minor… I don’t know what I can even tell you.

Rather, the perspective that interests me comes from people who accept Entrapta being in the stated age range, but who still find themselves repulsed by the relationship on grounds of age. ‘She’s an adult, sure, but how old is Hordak? He could be in his fifties or sixties, or even be hundreds of years old.’ This point of view is at least interesting to think about, so I reckon I can share why this deal-breaker for some doesn’t really bother me.

To begin, assigning human ages, and the stigmas thereof, to an alien bat clone just feels strange to me. The Horde doesn’t seem like the type of place to want to waste resources on alien bat clone daycare... was Hordak born as an infant, or was he artificially developed to his current age? If it’s the later, do we consider him 0 years old at the moment of his birth, or already an adult? We don’t have a timescale provided to accurately determine his age, so investing too heavily in trying to learn it seems somewhat tedious and a lotofwhat pointless.

If we do, though, my next question is: what is the element of an age gap that makes it inappropriate? Now, that’s a personal question, of course. Morality isn’t something that really lends itself to objective declarations, but there are a few answers you can offer. ‘Morality’ isn’t really the operative word here anyway... since it has more to do with taste, though this particular taste does come from what you believe… Y’know, it just occurred to me, but… People who believe that their taste in ships makes them morally superior, and that ships they dislike are supported by moral degenerates, seem like people who just aren’t a lot of fun to be around or think about… but that’s a digression, I’ll refocus my thought-lazer.

For me, with age gaps, it comes down to two things:

1.) Both parties being on the same side of the child/adult divide- I should hope this one sounds reasonable, right? The ships that really powdered sugar my poptart are the ones that feel like equal partnerships, and relationships that try to cross this line tend to not be especially equal.

2.) What stage in their lives they’re at- It’s difficult for even a wizard of self expression like myself to state plainly, so let me give an example: If I saw a 25 year old dating a 50 year old, the 25-year age difference isn’t so much what makes it off-putting, but rather what those 25 years represent in this circumstance. At age 25, people are still struggling to find themselves. They’re adjusting to independence, gaining an identity, maybe finally finding an entryway into a career path that suits them. By 50, a person is already established. They likely have a career, they have a firm grasp on who they are as a person and what they want to be, and they almost certainly have a greater degree of financial stability. Thus, if they enter a relationship, which is supposed to be equal, it doesn’t feel that way. One side has a stronger position than the other, and over time that could become power they use to sway and control the other.

I don’t see Hordak as being in a more advanced stage of his life than Entrapta. They seem to be at about the same place when it comes to self actualization. In fact, Hordak is a bit more arrested in his development than Entrapta is, simply because he’s never really thought to question what would make him happy or why. Hordak rules the Horde, which Entrapta is a part of… which could lead to an imbalance, if Entrapta, like, could be bothered to give even the slightest toss of a salad about status or promotion, but she doesn’t. Neither of them holds higher ground over the other in a way that’s significant to the two of them. In terms of life stage, they’re perfectly equal. The fact that Hordak might be physically older than her by some unspecified amount is, by itself, completely arbitrary and meaningless.

*** EXAMPLE THE SECOND: ‘ENTRAPTA, THE MANIPULATED’***

A second, rarer discussion point for those who are unfond of the ship is that it’s unhealthy, on the grounds that Hordak is manipulating Entrapta. Taking advantage of her naivete to coerce her into aiding the forces of darkness despite not caring for her at all. Now, as I mentioned above, I ain’t writing this to change anyone’s mind. If you’re reading this, and this is a viewpoint you hold as valid, do what makes you happy, homie. That said, the issue I ran into when I tried to think of why this perspective didn’t bother me was a vexing one. See, I like to fancy myself an empathetic dude. I try really hard to consider other people’s perspectives when I have a disagreement, and avoid judging anyone too harshly if I don’t know their full circumstance… but even with all that alleged empathy at my disposal… this hot take about Entrapdak is… kinda completely incomprehensible to me? Like, I have no idea how anyone could have seen the interactions between the two and draw this conclusion?

Part of it has to do with how Entrapta is written. She’s both ADHD-coded and Autistic-coded, and there’s a tendency to perceive the behaviors of both those groups of people as childish. People who see that ‘childishness’ extrapolate it further to a general innocence/stupidity, and assume the character in question lacks the faculties to engage with other people evenly.

Look, I don’t have ADHD, but I am super, duper autistic. Having lived with myself for a lifetime, let me just say, I kind of get why this happens. We get extremely focused on our hobbies, we’re bad at reading social nuance, we have very simplistic body language, we tend to express our emotions in a very blunt and straightforward manner… I get that, for most neurotypical people, the only other group they ever encounter who shares these traits are children, and thus they tend to subconsciously connect the two. I understand why it happens, even if I do find it awkward and condescending.

…but y’all are underestimating Entrapta. She’s not helping the horde because she’s helpless and being manipulated. She’s helping them because she has no moral compass to speak of, and will eagerly assist with any scientific endeavor she finds interesting, without care for its ultimate application. In season 1, she knew well in advance the damage her actions would have on the world, and followed through with them anyway. In season 2, she happily assisted in the creation of a portal, knowing full-well that its opening would invite a colonialist military force into the vicinity of her home, and only withdrew her support for the project… hesitantly… when it became clearly evident that activating it would eradicate all life on the planet. At no point is she ever acting while the applications of her actions are being hidden from her by Hordak. She’s not an innocent child.

The thing is, though, I agree that Entrapta would be incredibly easy to manipulate… if someone knew what buttons to push. She is very self conscious of how difficult it is for her to form lasting emotional bonds with other people. She tends to blame herself when she feels she’s been abandoned by others, and feels that her inability make friends is a sign that she’s a defective failure. If someone wanted to manipulate her into doing something she didn’t want to do, they would probably find success if they offered her friendship and then fed into that self loathing, emotionally abusing her by implying that she was indeed a failure, and would be abandoned again if she didn’t obey. That is totally something someone could do to her, and I would absolutely not enjoy any ship between her and such a person. Good thing Hordak… y’know… did literally the opposite of that.

***EXAMPLE THE THIRD- “ENTRAPDAK, THE PLATONIC”***

A nice short one to balance out the longer examples above. Quite a few people just deny that there are romantic implications behind their interactions, and see them as a friendship instead. I do disagree with this assessment, but honestly, even if it were true, this would still be my favorite relationship in the show.

Something that has always boggled me about people on the internet is their tendency to treat friendship like some ‘equal but opposite’ force to romance… a status independent of a romantic relationship rather than literally the foundation upon which all successful romantic relationships are built. Genuine friendship is a beautiful, underrated thing, and acting as though the bond of friendship is inherently less worthy of appreciation than romance is silly.

So… yeah… platonic Entrapdak… I disagree, but even if you’re right and I’m wrong in the end… I’ll be pretty okay with that, too. Movin’ on.

***EXAMPLE THE FOURTH: ‘HORDAK, THE IRREDEEMABLE’***

For the last dealbreaker I want to consider today, I figured I’d bring one up that’s a lot like the platonic argument, in my eyes: that an evil guy like Hordak can’t change his ways, even with the power of love. Thus, the relationship is bust, because what’s the point of of a villain x heroine ship, if not to redeem the villain?

...

So, recently I wrote this whole big thing about Hordak, where I argued in favor of his redemption, and why I felt like that was where the story is going… I stand by the opinions expressed there, but I’d like to ask any who read that to push it out of their mind for now. Hordak’s redemptive potential is largely irrelevant to my feelings about this ship. When it comes to entrapdak, when confronted by the possibility that Hordak may remain a villain, my reaction is the most intense and passionate of shrugs.

...I just don’t care.

There’s a tendency to assume that redemption is the aim of a villain ship, and I suppose I can see why that is. There’s a bit of a stereotype for female fantasies where they fix a broken man with the power of their love, and when people ship villains, that’s probably the first assumption an outsider will make as to why. I cannot speak for others, but that’s just not a factor in the appeal of their relationship for me.

When you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of another person, you open yourself up to the risk of being completely devastated by them. When you show vulnerability to another person, and they accept that side of you, and express vulnerability of their own, you establish a genuine connection with that person, and those connections are kiiiinda one of the most important elements of the human experience.

That Hordak was a villain who did terrible things was always kinda aside from the point of what really makes Entrapta and Hordak such a bewitching pairing for me. It was always the serendipity of two people who privately believe they’re alone in the world realizing they resonate with one another in a meaningful way. Resonance is the appeal of Entrapdak, not redemption.

I tend to hope for Hordak’s redemption, I won’t lie, and I do think it’s likely, but I don’t think it’ll be love that redeems him, nor would I want it to be… not entirely. I like seeing flawed, morally dark/gray characters overcome the obstacles that deny them self actualization, and watching them grow as a result.

That’s got nothing to do with him and Entrapta, though. Whether the story ends with the pair of them riding into the sunset to collect data and invent shit, or with the pair of them leading the Horde in the name of galactic conquest and terror… I’m down with it either way, dude. In the context of the ship, I care that Hordak is an evil overlord… about as much as Entrapta does.

However, pseudo-responding to naysayers is a bit negative for my tastes. I prefer to focus on the positive in life, like the smell of soil and rain on a crisp autumn morning. I… I’m in a very fall mood, okay? Sue me. Y’know what else I like, though? Entrapdak. Lemme wax poetic for a bit longer, and I’ll tell ya why this ship is, like, the peanut butter on my blueberry pancakes.

Part 2: Entrapdak- Why I love it

So, uh… If brevity is the soul of wit, I may be something of an idiot. I’ve made my peace with that, of course, I’m just sayin’: I’m many things, but I’m not pithy. If someone were to put a gun to my head, though, and demand that I describe the shipping aesthetic I love the most in life in a single sentence… I would probably respond with this:

My favorite ships are ones in which awkward, lonely people bond over a shared fondness of nerdy hobbies.

Now, that sounds super narrow, and it totally is… I don’t get new OTPs very often… but hearing that, I imagine you can see why Entrapta and Hordak immediately appealed to me. It goes a bit deeper, though.

The bonds between people are a major part of the story of She-ra. We see how characters are changed, positively or negatively, by the connection they share with other characters. Just like in real life, these connections are a mixed bag; some of them are positive, and some are negative. Some characters, like Hordak and Catra, resonate strongly with one another, but the resonance is a negative force in their lives, which draws them deeper into darkness, and for many of the characters in the show, their character journeys are about breaking free of such toxic relationships and forming healthy bonds.

The bond between Entrapta and Hordak is unique among all bonds in the show though, in that it is the only one that isn’t mixed. It is an unambiguous positive influence on both of them. Let’s break it down a little bit.

***ENTRAPTA***

Entrapta, at first, seems like the kind of person who isn’t super connected to other people. At the princess prom, she mentions that she finds observing the relationships of others far more fascinating than forging relationships of her own, and she spends much of the early seasons working alone with her robots, buried in whichever task happens to have her interest in that particular moment.

Later seasons gradually tear this facade away, though, and reveal a fairly tragic truth hidden behind it. I mentioned above that she internalizes her failures to form lasting bonds with other people, and is genuinely distraught about it. When she’s exiled to Beast Island, her frustration at her inability to make friends was the driving force that chained her there, even more so than her love of technology and invention. It becomes clear that, to some degree, she buries herself in her work to escape her feelings of inadequacy.

This is a relatable and sad thing to realize about a character, but it also has the unpleasant effect of making events that were played for laughs earlier in the show somewhat tragic in hindsight. Seeing the way she interacted with the Princess Alliance, you could see how she would have come to a very soul-crushing misunderstanding: That, among other people, she was someone whose presence was… tolerated- at times even appreciated- but never seemed to be enjoyed by anyone. She was the friend everyone sought out when they needed her help, then forgot about.

This wasn’t the case, of course, and clarifying her value to the group was what ultimately helped her escape the vines in season four, but from her perspective that was how it appeared, and likely how all her previous interactions with other people had gone before that. Some people complained about how easily Entrapta was able to believe that the princesses had left her behind, but it’s the same reason Hordak was so easily able to believe that Entrapta had betrayed him: In the eyes of someone who hates themselves, it’s only a matter of time before others abandon them.

That said, it also goes to show why Hordak became so special to her. For the first time in her life, she had a friend who joined her in her workspace, instead of leaving her to a task after giving it to her. Someone able to converse equally with her about subjects she was interested in. The elements of herself that made it so difficult to draw closer to others were the very same elements that caused her to get so close to him. Her intelligence and hyper-focus upon science made her the intellectual peer of a space-faring alien, her lack of awareness of social subtext helped her to see beyond the barriers he put up to keep other people away, and her past experience with failure and rejection helped her to empathize with his pain.

It’s perfectly pleasant to find someone who accepts you and enjoys your company despite not understanding the idiosyncratic elements of your personality, but that pales in comparison to how it feels to find someone who accepts you precisely because they understand those elements.

***Hordak***

Hordak didn’t really have ‘peers’, per se, for most of his life. We don’t know the level of autonomy the average clone has in the Horde… but I feel comfortable assuming that the level isn’t very high. Thus, his circumstance differs quite a bit from Entrapta, in that, rather than trying to form bonds with others, and feeling like he failed, for much of his life he never had the chance to try to form them in the first place.

He is, at first, deeply dismissive of the people of Etheria, whom he regards as primitives who are beneath his acknowledgment. Much of this, as with much of everything that dictates how he treats others, is born of projection… dude has some pretty major self-loathing issues… but regardless of cause, it results in a kind of self-imposed isolation.

Unlike Entrapta, who knew, on some level, that her lack of ability to bond with others troubled her, Hordak kept most of his emotions bottled up... Locked so deeply inside him that not even he really bothered to try to understand them. That was where her disposition and his meshed perfectly for him. Because Entrapta was defined by her curiosity, and her lackluster awareness of his attempts to keep her at bay, she was able to metaphorically crack him open, forcing him to vocalize and confront his own motivations.

Sometimes you need someone to just… like... grab you with their hair, push you up against a vat, and demand you tell them everything, man.

I’ve already discussed Hordak fairly extensively in my first blog blurb thingy, and while I repeat myself by accident quite frequently, I’m loathe to repeat myself on purpose. I just wanted to take the opportunity to marvel at how well their personalities fit together. Perhaps I’m just high on this feeling: I’ve never actually shipped something a creator so clearly intended to be there, before!

*** In Conclusion***

We’re all born imperfect, and we’ll all die imperfect. Our imperfections are similar, but never uniform. Each of us bears jagged cuts and missing sections of many shapes and sizes. Humans are social creatures, and it’s in our nature to constantly seek one another out. We keep trying to find people who are strong where we are weak; someone whose missing sections happen to lie in a pattern compatible with our own.

We’ll resonate with many in our lifetime. Sometimes, the melody will be harmonious, and guide all involved higher and higher into the light of self actualization. Other times the sound will be discordant, and pull us down into self destruction. Sadly, from our perspective in the middle, it will always be difficult to tell which is which.

I love the relationship between Entrapta and Hordak because it’s a dynamic that elevates both of them. Not in a moral sense, but in a personal one. In a series defined by toxic and uneven relationships that wear others down and tear them apart, these two have a dynamic that shelters and reinforces them. Giving them an opportunity to be glad they were born the way they were, instead of cursing their misfortune.

It’s the kind of relationship that makes me muse about how imperfection really is beautiful. It’s because we’re imperfect that we never stop trying to harmonize with other people, and if there’s one theme I can’t help but feel that the show itself is building toward, it’s this: Two in harmony surpass one in perfection.

*** So hey! Thanks for reading all of that! Sorry if it was a bit of a mess. Saying nothing with a great deal of words is a talent of mine, but I really do love these guys, and if you love ‘em too, don’t let anyone grind you down over it!

Let me know if you enjoyed my work, though! If so, I’ll be happy to share my thoughts on other things, since I’ll be stuck with this series on my brain until I see how my new obsession plays out. In the meantime take care of yourselves! If you do heavy lifting, make sure to do so with your knees, not your back. Tell someone who makes your day a little brighter how much you appreciate them. Then, take some time to savor the greatest of all winter beverages: hot apple cider.

#entrapdak #liking things #Entrapta #hordak #you try killing 8 hours at this job

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mszegedy · 4 years

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30 Days of Autism Acceptance: Days 11-16

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I keep forgetting to do these daily, so here’s all the days since my last post. My last post is here.

April 11: How open are you about being autistic? Do you usually tell people?

No, it never leads to anything good. Instead, I act like my autistic traits are normal, and other people’s allistic traits are weird. I will say things like, “You know how horrible it is to try a new food and find out that it’s the wrong texture?” and then call them weird when they reply, “No.” But I don’t bring it up without a purpose; my next line is then, “Huh, weird. Well, anyway, [anecdote involving autistic trait].” This is usually when I’m explaining how my day went, or if someone just told a different, relevant anecdote.

Or if someone asks, “Why do you flap your hands when you’re excited?” I just say, “Being excited makes me want to move, which I think is pretty normal. Why, how do you express your excitement?” (I’m genuinely curious. I still don’t know the answer.) I also recommend various kinds of stimming to people who are stressed out. I think it helps.

Hopefully this builds a clear image for people of what’s normal for me, without the label. And perhaps when another autistic person later tells them it’s an autistic trait of theirs, it won’t be so exotic for them.

April 12: Talk about social skills and communication. What kind of things do you find hard?

My record time for ordering at a Subway (with no queue) is around 15 minutes. That’s my record lowest time. I find it difficult and intimidating to make sense of the menu, and to ask for the ingredients I want. I’d rather just order a complete thing.

I have trouble answering questions about myself. This is partly because “myself” is not a very meaningful concept to me, but also because I find it hard to remember what I’m like, and to monitor my thoughts. This has less to do with autism, maybe, and more to do with my DID (or similar condition).

People’s brains are very opaque to me. I can sometimes guess at what a person’s feeling, but I never feel like I have a good model of them as a whole. I’m a lot better at figuring out what the family dog is thinking. His favorite activity is licking things (as a stim I guess), and sometimes he gets hungry or horny. When his fur is wet, it’s really uncomfortable for him texture-wise. He has an erratic sleep schedule, and hates it when I stay up too late. He’s afraid of ledges, but if he really needs to get down one, he’ll steel himself and jump. He loves the first 20 seconds or so of freedom when he gets to go on walks, and will gallop at top speed every time, because that’s the only time of the day that he gets to do that. That’s a lot more sentences about the family dog than I could write about any given human. I think I know these things about humans, too, I just don’t feel like I can rely on them or string them into a coherent whole. Although, people also have significant amounts of episodic memory, unlike me and the family dog. So that’s a complicating factor.

I’m very bad at telling how uncomfortable I’m making people. I do my best to not actually hurt people in any way, but they still get unfomfortable around me because I’m “weird”. (The fact that I’m trans doesn’t help.)

People rarely like my apologies. Part of that is my whole fight-or-flight complex owing to a history of abuse, though. I tend to over-apologize, and people think it’s insincere or annoying.

April 13: What kind of things do you have trouble with as an autistic person? Why do you think you have trouble with it? What helps?

Executive dysfunction is a thing. Whole books have been written on how to beat that. I don’t know what works best for me personally. Making lists, letting myself fail or partially fail, and breaking things down into extremely small steps are all pretty helpful for me. In general, reducing the “RAM” tasks take is the most effective strategy for me, because I have very little ability to remember what I’m doing, both on the short term and long term.

As I mentioned previously, I’ve been serially unable to learn how to drive. This might have to do with a traumatic car crash I had as a kid. No solution yet.

I’m very bad at hearing. I like headphones the best. They can beam whatever I’m trying to hear directly into my ears.

I can’t be at parties, like most autistic people. At college, I’ve done bartending in a safe, relatively quiet corner at a party once or twice, though, as well as being a doorperson. (It’s ironic that the party organizers act grateful that you’re doing the door shift, but then most of your time as the door person is spent shooing people back inside so that they don’t get too loud and cause people to call the police. It’s like staying outside is a privilege.)

April 14: What would you like other people to be more aware of when it comes to autism?

I can’t think of any one thing. I don’t think the average person knows any autistic traits in particular. It would be nice if they at least knew one. Also, the obligatory, “People should know that autism occurs in more than just white boys.”

April 15: Free day! Write about any topic you want!

The rest of my neurotype is rather exotic. Apart from ASD and ADHD, I have DID-spectrum dissociative issues, blending into PTSD and CPTSD-like issues thanks to multiple and sustained traumas. I’ve started keeping a journal to help me track my day-to-day life, because these things mean I have an extremely poor episodic memory. It’s very time-consuming, but I’m only doing it for a 30-day trial period. What helps is that I’m not writing the journal to myself; I’ve made many other attempts to start a journal, but I couldn’t get enthusiastic about writing to my own self.

April 16: Do you experience hyper empathy or low empathy? Talk about it. What is it like?

I have hyperempathy. I often get more emotional than the person I’m feeling empathy for. This can be overridden by my DID-related defense mechanisms, though. When defending myself, I can be mean to people I perceive as threats without remorse, except for a more abstract remorse when I reflect on it later. But otherwise, I get extremely happy whenever I get the sense that someone is having a good time, extremely sad when other people seem sad, very embarrassed when someone is making a social mistake, and so on.

I’m not very good at watching dramas by myself, because when anything happens that I know will make the characters feel bad, I can’t watch it, so I pause it and come back to it like 15 minutes later. If I’m watching with someone, though, I won’t pause it; but I might cover my face and/or ears.

#2020 #30daysofautismacceptance

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inside-aut-blog · 5 years

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On functioning labels

We’ve all heard them. Most everyone uses them—doctors, therapists, people on TV, people on the street, maybe even your auntie whose son is autistic....

We’ve all heard them, and most everyone uses them—everyone, that is, except a very large number of actually autistic people, myself included.

Why?

Well—a number of reasons, but it’s easiest explained like this: let me tell you a story.

We’ve got two autistics—and stop me if you’ve heard this one before, I’m not the first to tell it—but we’ve got two autistics. One’s called Allie, and the other’s Fred.

Let’s start with Allie.

Allie can carry a conversation. She went to a good university and got good grades. She transitioned from student housing to her own apartment, and held down a part-time job all through school. She now has an internship in a special-interest-related field, works freelance on the side, and is independently paying off her student loans. She can control her stimming in public settings and she can navigate public transportation. She has fairly few sensory issues, and is rarely overwhelmed by them; when she is, she is able to calm herself. She accepts and gives hugs regularly. She’s a bit quiet, but she can carry on a conversation, and while she occasionally struggles to pick up on jokes, she’s got the hang of sarcasm. Her speech is a bit stilted sometimes, sure, but her vocabulary’s expansive, and she can write very eloquently. She tends to be pretty literal, but she’s also extremely intelligent and analytical, and those traits—along with her autistic eye for detail— help her understand subtlety very well. She sets flexible routines for herself to counteract the difficulty she faces doing things spontaneously. She is often trusted to look after and manage others. She’s highly empathetic. She can pass for neurotypical.

So that’s Allie.

Now let’s talk about Fred.

Fred often struggles to speak. He also went to university and had his own apartment, but had a lot of trouble keeping on top of academics, and even more trouble with basic life skills. He often forgot to do laundry, wash himself, brush his teeth, comb his hair, buy groceries, cook meals, and eat. He has since moved back home. He stims almost constantly, even in public settings, and grows very anxious on public transportation. He can’t drive, either, because it overwhelms him. His sensory issues cause daily trouble—he jumps violently at sudden sounds, cannot eat several common foods, and hates to be touched. When he gets overwhelmed, he screams and hurts himself. He struggles to understand sarcasm. He often gets stuck on particular lines of conversation, communicates largely through echolalia and pre-scripted speech, and very frequently forgets words mid-sentence. Sometimes—especially with new people—he cannot speak at all. He instinctively sees everything in black-and-white and struggles to internalize nuance. He thrives on routine and grows very anxious and very angry when his routines are broken unexpectedly. When he absolutely must do something new, he often needs someone to go with him. He has low empathy. He is frequently very visibly autistic.

So there’s Fred.

So you’ve got both of them now, two neat little life stories, Allie and Fred, Fred and Allie.

So.

Which of them is high-functioning? Which of them is low-functioning?

Allie and Fred respectively, right?

Wrong.

They’re the same person.

And they’re not hypothetical. They’re both me.

I’m Allie, and I’m Fred.

And here’s the kicker—something that sometimes gets missed out but is pretty important, a little bit crucial, kind-of-sort-of absolutely vital—I’m always both of them.

Sure, sometimes it depends on the day, whether I look more like Allie or more like Tim, and sure, circumstances and support levels and energy levels can all make a world of difference—but most often I am both of them at the exact same time, under the exact same circumstances.

I can hold down a completely average back-and-forth conversation, but still be unable to initiate that conversation, and still struggle to remember basic words in the middle of it, and still struggle to bring it to a natural close.

I can succeed in school and still struggle to complete my assignments, get them turned in at the very last minute or even late.

I can make myself three meals a day according to the strict series of alarms I’ve set myself, using my autistic love of routine to counterract my autistic insensitivity to hunger, but still forget to eat them afterward.

I can remember to shower, but forget to brush my teeth, and vice versa. I can remember to wash my hair, but forget to comb it. I can wash my clothes without issue, but forget to move them into the dryer afterward. I can dry my clothes but forget to put them away.

I can navigate public transportation without error and also be extremely anxious the whole time.

I can control my stimming in public and still stim furiously when I get home. (I can also be perfectly able to control my stimming in public, but choose not to do so—as is often the case, because stimming is a very helpful coping mechanism, and also just fun, and I don’t care if strangers think it’s weird because I know it doesn’t hurt them.)

I can have few sensory issues and still struggle noticeably with those few.

I can hate to be touched and still grin and bear it. (I can also hate receiving hugs and not mind giving them.)

I can calm myself when I get overwhelmed using coping skills and also struggle to do so. (I can calm myself when overwhelmed without much effort using coping skills that alarm other people—like body stimming, screaming, or self-harm.)

I can use sarcasm but still have trouble understanding when others use it. I can speak very eloquently while still relying heavily on echolalia and scripts. I can write beautifully when I am not able to speak a single word.

I can struggle heavily with the black-and-white thinking that comes so much more naturally to me and still force myself to use my critical thinking skills to spot nuance. (I can still struggle to internalize this nuance once I have spotted it.)

I can cope with spontaneity and still have immediate, instinctive emotional reactions to breaks in routine. (I can have a meltdown and force myself to cope afterwards.) I can cope with new situations and still need someone shadowing me. (Having someone shadow you is a way to cope in itself.)

I can have high empathy for objects or fictional characters and little to none for real, actual people. I can care very much about people’s feelings and still not understand what those feelings are. I can analyze the reasons behind someone’s feelings and still not recognize them on their face or in their voice. I can recognize feelings on someone’s face or in their voice and still not know what to do about them. I can want to comfort people and not know how.

I can have the ability to pass as neurotypical at one given moment but not another. I can have the ability to pass as neurotypical in a given moment and simply choose not to. I can choose to pass as neurotypical, and succeed in passing as neurotypical to some of the people I interact with, and not succeed with others.

I can do all of this at the same time, within the same day, the same hour. Even the same moment, if I’m feeling extra spicy autistic.

I routinely do.

Because all of these experiences—these strengths, weaknesses, traits—are part of my life. None of them cancel each other out, because they can’t—they’re all equally inherent to who I am as a person. So they coexist, even if they seem contradictory.

Because I’m contradictory. Because I’m a person, and I’m multifaceted, and nuanced—people are like that, or so I hear.

Autistics are no exception.

You can’t split us so easily into high- or low-functioning, because to do so is to ignore other vital aspects of our experiences.

To do so, put simply, is both dehumanizing and inaccurate.

And, as well—to do so is to box us into one rigid experience or another: one in which people focus only on the things we can do and ignore those we can’t, or one in which people focus only on the things we cannot do and ignore all of the things we can.

Because the labels come with stereotypes—as the common thinking goes, “high-functioning” autistics never really struggle and can do anything they want without any help, while “low-functioning” autistics do nothing but struggle, have very little, if any, potential, and are to be pitied.

That is, of course, nonsense.

So in both experiences the true scope of our abilities is overlooked. (People hearing the labels have no clue what we’re capable of, but they think they do, and they generally act accordingly.)

And, as well, in both experiences we are spoken over by others—by those who think they should be allowed to decide what we are like, and what our futures will be like, and categorize us and compare us to each other and pit us against each other, elevating some autistics above others, as a means of determining our ability to “function” in society. (Which is to say, of course, our worth to society, how much we inconvenience society—because functioning labels don’t express how we experience our autism; rather, they express how others experience our autism.)

So, all told, why don’t autistics like functioning labels?

Because they are not only dehumanizing, inaccurate, and unnecessarily rigid—they’re also not even helpful (to anyone—us or others).

There’s no good reason to use them. We’d like it to stop.

And, personally, if any neurotypical tries to ascribe either label to me—or to any autistics around me, for that matter—I’m going to make a hell of a fuss.

Because we’re autistic, and we’re here, and we can can hear you.

#actuallyautistic

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cordiibus · 5 years

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HEADCANONS. Damien’s Autism

Again , I wanted to make a mass post regarding Damien’s Autism and how it does affect his life and how he handles from being overwhelmed. His Autism shows differently than Akar’s since its such a huge spectrum and I wanted to show that with Damien. Again, his autism isn’t all his character is, however still a vital part of him ! Though this list is not complete, I created some and hopefully as I keep educating myself and learning more will come or changes will be made. If theres anything I’m missing or you feel like I should include or fix please feel free to tell me ! I want to make sure Im writing him the best way I am !

Damien was diagnose with Autism much later than most children. Due to parents both being deployed into the Army ( as well as cultural stigmas ) , signs of autism were simply mistaken for Damien being more shy or simply learning to speak slower than other children/also thinking he could possibly be becoming deaf at a young age since deafness runs within his father’s family.

He began speech therapy and learning different ways of communicating. One of the ways is Sign Language because it uses his hands and was quicker for him to do as he was learning to speak as well. It was only after he began speech therapy that there were hints of him being autistic, however he was never properly diagnosed until around the age of 10 ( again cultural stigmas ).

As he began to learn how to speak, he also began immediately having an interest in language. Enough to begin grasping new ones as he began growing up. This was the first sign that his sensory traits will involve sounds, this one being more positive than it would be overwhelming.

Damien is attracted to all kinds of sounds, the louder the better. He dislikes silence and dislikes when no sound can be heard/found. However, it becomes overwhelming when theres too many sounds coming from one specific enclosed area. Which is why you will always find him wearing headphones ( though it was a tip he learn from his cousin Oliver ), he uses his headphones and blast his own music to counter other sounds ( which at first was negative because of how loud he blasted his own music, however he was taught what proper volume should be used ). It also should be known that since he uses music -- that his genre of music is very loud. Screamo, Punk, Rock, Loud Jazz -- anything with loud sounds or vocals, strong vocals, are his favorite kind of music.

Damien also picked up on learning instruments that include: the Trumpet, the Saxophone, the Piano, and the Drums. ( he knows enough in each to be good but hes not particularly amazing in each of them. this was also just a special interest when he was younger that he grew out of having and then developed into something else ).

With addition to his liking of sounds, it also can be seen in other areas like specific sounds making him happy ( crunch noises like leaves/snow ), it also moved to being a stim of his to make noises be it clicking/popping his tongue or cracking his knuckles.

Another one of his stims is chewing as well. Growing up he would always chew on his shirts, sleeves, hoodie strings ( still does ) and found some comfort in chewing. With this he has an actual chew necklaces, as well as always carries around candy/gum. Its also why he paints/does his nails so he could stop biting on his nails.

Another stim Damien does when hes happy is also clapping and the flapping of his hands !

Another positive sensory he has is towards colors -- especially very bright colors. Though too much can be overwhelming and especially if he stares for too long. Bright colors are another thing that gathers his attention. Its why he also dresses in rather bright colors as well. Just really really likes bright colors. His art definitely portrays that as well. He also has synesthesia, which plays its part in this as well.

However, with positive come negatives. One negative sensory that he has is actually also through taste as well. There are certain textures in food that feel wrong in his mouth. Foods that are soggy and are non-solids, are the ones that fit in that categories. Damien will refuse to eat anything that fall into that category. Also chewy foods that aren’t gum ( fruit gummies ) also have the same problem. Also -- dietary restrictions are also a thing. Gluten is just out of the question for him to be eating. On top of that, certain smells are often avoided by him. More floral scents, are the ones that he often avoids which includes some perfumes and well as hygienic materials ( shampoos / soaps ). He does like scents that are more metallic -- sharpies, paint, spray paint, metal -- fit into that.

Though Damien is excellent in language, sound, and now speaking -- reading always proved to be challenging. Mix with being a auditory and visual learning, but add in his autism -- reading on his own with nothing else proved to be challenging when in school. If there was a book that needed to be read, he would spend hours looking for an auditory book or have his friend/parents read the pages to him. And when neither were available, it was trouble for Damien to completely understand what was going on in the book. Though he could read it out loud -- that was often looked down at and became annoying to others. So he found these courses to be more challenging.

Damien has trouble with empathy. Not that he doesn’t feel any, but he feels too much at times aka he experiences hyper-empathy. Depending on the situation, he can be overwhelmed by another person’s feelings and start feeding that into his own. If he sees someone crying, even if he doesn’t know them, he will most likely sit and cry with them solely because of how he picked up on the emotion. He is very good at telling people’s emotions, though sometimes does falter over how much they are feeling it.

Damien also experiences meltdowns very often, however has gotten really good at learning when theyre coming and will excuse himself with “i have a migraine” so he can properly take care of it without it going any further. Usually this means finding somewhere completely quiet and listening to his own music and just let himself sit in a ball. Before he had learned how to tell, his meltdowns were immediate shut downs of himself. Just no response from him.

Damien is often not seen as someone on the spectrum because of the way he behaves.Which is something he learned he really hated, so if anyone says that to him, they will immediately be met with a different Damien.

He hates being told what to do. Period. He always had a hard time taking instructions from someone, or being guided in a different way. Damien will fully refuse to do what someone wants him to do, which is something his parents learned as he grew up. There is obviously ways around this, which is just to ask him differently. Depending what it is just say “Damien, can you do something for me please ?” And already then his empathy wants to already help this person. but say it like “Do it this way” then hes deadass not going to do it.

Damien can drive !! He is very much able to drive, however under certain conditions that he realized himself. He cannot drive during night, because of all the bright lights -- nor can he drive in bad weather. Also he will always have his windows up and his music playing. He will never give up his AUX cord to anyone else, so don’t ask or even try. If you also tell him his music sucks, then he will have no issue kicking you out of his car too. He also has a white mini cooper because his dad wouldnt let him get the pink one.

Damien does his nails, yes already explained, another thing is that the collects nail polish, vinyls, and spray paint. All these things are very well organized in his room, just shelves, bins, and everything. Also hes very disorganized in every thing else.

His autism helped him in theatre in high school !! Being able to understand another person’s emotion and then reflect them back, really made him super good at acting when he was in Theatre. Some say it has to do with being a “chameleon” in being able to copy the traits of others. Though actually was more able to put himself in their own situation and feel what they were feeling because of his hyper-empathy. He really still loves the theatre too.

#( damien headcanons. )#( sldkjf i think im missing things tbh but #if anyone has any questions just def ask !! )#( queue. )

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damienhasmoved · 7 years

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Kiyotaka Ishimaru is Autistic - A Writeup

Hey there!

As you’ve probably guessed from the title, this is gonna be a pretty long post about Kiyotaka Ishimaru from the Dangan Ronpa series, and how I believe that he is autistic. Note that I am #actuallyautistic myself, so a lot of this is drawn from my own experiences of autism, as well as some common symptoms Kiyotaka displays. This is one of my personal favourite headcanons, because I relate to Kiyotaka a lot, and it’s nice to be able to relate to him on a neurological level as well. That being said, despite the evidence I’m going to cover in this writeup, it is still a headcanon- so of course you can feel free to disregard this if you don’t agree with me (just don’t come and fight about it on the post... because a lot of that tends to go into “autism is a bad thing” territory and as an autistic person it kinda makes me feel shitty).

With that out of the way, the rest of the post will be under a readmore, because this is about to get kinda long.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru is a fairly minor character when it comes to the Dangan Ronpa franchise. He’s a member of the cast of the first game, and dies halfway through, with almost no re-appearances or further mentions in the rest of the series. However, his personality is very distinct, and he’s been consistently seen as one of the most popular characters from the first game because of this.

Kiyotaka’s personality boils down to a few essential parts- his keen sense of justice and morals, his lack of social skills and social intelligence, his drive to be the best in his schoolwork, and his encouraging, yet strict nature towards his classmates. Just from this base analysis of his personality you can start seeing some autistic traits- namely in his idealization of morals and ethics, and his lack of general social skills. The former is so important to his character, it’s what gives him his talent- as the Ultimate Moral Compass (Disciplinary Committee Member in the Japanese version of the game, and Hall Monitor/Prefect in a few fan translations).

It’s quite common for autistic people to be unusually obsessed with justice or morality. I know from my own experiences that I absolutely hate situations I perceive as “unfair” or “unjust”- where I’ve been punished for doing things I didn’t do, when other people have been punished for things they didn’t do- I even find it hard to lie in certain situations. Kiyotaka certainly seems to display this pattern of thinking- his entire talent ties into making sure that those who do wrong are suitably punished, and those that do right are rewarded accordingly. The only time he goes against his morals and potentially condemns innocents are when he votes for himself instead of Mondo in the Chapter Two Trial, which seems to be him not fully realising that someone he associates with “being good, just and moral” (his new, and only, friend) doing something as amoral as murder.

He simply doesn’t believe that someone he trusted could turn out to do something so wrong- to the point where, at the end of the second trial, he is begging everyone else to give him another explanation, or for Mondo to at least explain why he did the things he did. I understand that this is a reasonable reaction when one’s friend is faced with death, but consider this in the context of the Dangan Ronpa games. To keep up the flow of the games, characters usually seem to brush aside the murders and executions once the trials are over. Otherwise, things would drag out too long while the cast mourned. Even Naegi, who was good friends with Sayaka and knew her all the way back in middle school, only spared a few hours or so mourning her after the end of her trial.

Kiyotaka’s reaction is the most drastic in the first game, even surpassing Asahina’s bid to make Sakura’s suicide a mistrial. She’s only shown to be seriously affected by Sakura’s death for the duration of the trial, and afterwards is composed enough to fight back against the mastermind. Consider also that Asahina and Sakura were friends for the entire duration of the first game, and that Kiyotaka and Mondo were only friends for one day, and you can see how exaggerated and strange Kiyotaka’s reaction really is.

Kiyotaka’s reaction is so strong compared to the other characters because Mondo’s killing is not only a betrayal to their friendship, but the betrayal to Kiyotaka’s perceived view of the world and what’s right and wrong. He fixates on his hatred of geniuses to an almost unhealthy level, and will not listen to anyone who tries to tell him that these “geniuses” can be good people as well. Simularily, he’s put Mondo into a box- a box that raises him above the amoral sensibilities of the killing game, making him someone who can do no wrong in Kiyotaka’s eyes- until he does.

This is the only time Kiyotaka’s moral compass seems to be seriously tested in the killing game, and it destroys him. He relies so much on his fixation with morals, that the second they are shattered, he breaks apart. Of course, this is only a minor reason for his breakdown, but we’ll get into the rest of that later.

Another big clue to Kiyotaka being autistic comes in the form of his social skills- or, rather, his lack of them. Kiyotaka, in his entire life, has made one genuine friend. Mondo Oowada seems to be the only person he’s truly connected with, and he even states that he’s “never had a proper conversation before” in one of Naegi’s FTEs. It’s not hard to see why- Kiyotaka has very little social intelligence, which displays itself multiple times throughout the story.

He doesn’t understand that people watch TV shows and play video games to form connections over them- he just thinks they do so to get a temporary buzz out of them. He’s surprised when Naegi describes what people normally do when they hang out, and his idea of a social setting is a very old-fashioned Japanese tradition of communicating naked in a bathhouse with other men. It’s obvious that he’s personally never had an experience like this before, as he’s reportedly “never held a conversation longer than three minutes”, so he’s most likely picked this up from old Japanese literature or other media and assumed that’s still how teenagers hang out.

Mimicking behaviours from media is another common autistic trait, and even though Kiyotaka doesn’t seem the type to read a lot of books outside of school-assigned ones, he still displays this trait. Mimicking other people in general seems to be his go-to when it comes to social interaction- he calls Naegi a “Professor” when Naegi tells him how to hold a regular conversation, and says he will study the same games and TV shows Naegi knows about to be able to hold conversations just like he does. Kiyotaka, once befriending Mondo, is shown to be mimicking him in some ways- he starts calling Mondo “kyoudai”, something common amongst gangsters in Japan. In the English localisation, this is changed to “bro”, slang that would also most likely be picked up from Mondo.

After Mondo dies, Kiyotaka copes by completely mimicking him, even combining their names together and acting like Mondo to feel closer to him.

Kiyotaka doesn’t seem to understand sarcasm or humour, in most cases. Kiyotaka seems a little oblivious in general, and tends to brush aside other’s criticism- a lot of the times because he doesn’t understand it. He takes things very literally, which is a key autistic trait.

He also wholeheartedly does seemingly idiotic things in an attempt to help others in the class trials- such as calling for the murderer to raise their hand, and stating obvious facts that were taken as a given (examples: “I propose that the victim was Sayaka Maizono”, and “We can be sure the knife was the weapon because of where it was found- sticking out of the victim’s midsection!”). Kiyotaka also displays this kind of well-intentioned, yet obvious advice when everyone is searching the school for an escape route- while others take note of potential danger and means of escape, Kiyotaka’s only contribution is to say that everyone has a dorm room.

This makes sense for him, and most likely for others with autism- nobody’s mentioned it, and he has the information, so he thinks it will be helpful to share it. He doesn’t get the subtext that people will already know these things, and that clarifying them further wastes time and isn’t helpful in the grand scheme of things.

While his dedication to morals and his lack of social skills are the most major identifiers of his autism, he also displays a few more subtler autistic traits.

Kiyotaka insists on holding the class meetings at a certain time in the morning, and arriving to the cafeteria at another set time. He’s always a punctual early comer, and he gets annoyed when others are late (holding back the time of his meeting). It can also be inferred that Kiyotaka is one to plan things- he has to be, if he’s taking on studying (and presumably kendo practise, due to the sword found in his room) as his only hobbies. This, and his love of the school system, can be hints towards him needing to function on a schedule. School is good for Kiyotaka because it’s structured, and planned, and not very subject to change. His hobbies of practise and studying are also not subject to sudden reschedules (unless he takes kendo lessons, but with his family’s financial situation, I don’t think that’s the case). A steady schedule is imperative for autistic people to function on a day-to-day basis.

Kiyotaka only wears one set of clothes- his school uniform. He owns several copies of it, and refuses to wear anything else. It’s implied that he doesn’t own anything else. This could be his dedication to being a good student, but it could also easily be a manifestation of sensory issues. Kiyotaka may only feel comfortable in the material of his uniform, and doesn’t like wearing other clothes because they make him feel uncomfortable. As a fellow autistic who prefers their school uniform to their other clothes, I can definitely understand this path of logic.

Similarly, Kiyotaka is a one-note cook. It’s revealed in School Mode that he can only cook rice balls and green tea. This seems like another case of sensory issues, where the textures of rice balls and green tea are soothing to him compared to other food tastes and textures. It seems a little odd that he’s put enough practise into creating his “famous green tea”, but wouldn’t branch out to cooking different kinds of foods than simply rice balls, especially if he wants to have a more balanced diet.

Kiyotaka’s fixation with the things he does know how to talk about seem to be extremely intense. Kiyotaka seems completely ready to engage in a long debate with Naegi over politics, international affairs, and the economy. He also seems to have memorised his school’s old policy, and seems delighted to talk about schoolwork. These could be examples of special interests, topics that Kiyotaka fixates on and ignores all others. Kiyotaka’s biggest special interest seems to be revolving around politics, a career path he hopes to succeed in in the future. Other than that, he seems to have a special interest in school policy and the school’s curriculum, shown with his dedication to school code and his continued study of everything he has to learn about. He doesn’t understand that other people can do recreational activities that don’t revolve around these two interests of his.

Physically, Kiyotaka has an almost unnaturally straight posture. He stands with his legs pressed tightly together, and seems extremely rigid. An unnaturally rigid posture is a trait of autism (as is an unnaturally slouched or floppy posture, but that’s not relevant here). Kiyotaka is extremely prone to crying fits, even in the middle of regular conversation. He is shown holding his head and sobbing full-force in some of his FTEs, which then turns into him cheerfully laughing a few seconds later. Extreme mood swings and unprompted crying or laughing are traits of autism. When Kiyotaka is reprimanded, or when he believes that he’s done something wrong, he immediately switches into an over-reaction where he cries and begs someone to hit or “punish” him. Breakdowns like these are also common in autistics.

Kiyotaka’s speech is abnormally loud. He seems to have trouble speaking quietly or whispering, and most of his lines are yelled. Volume control like this is a classic autistic trait. Kiyotaka’s dialogue also seems stiff and stilted at times, or verbalised in a strange manner.

I could go on more about Kiyotaka’s autistic traits, but I think I’ve said enough for one post! This is long enough as-is! I definitely think that Kiyotaka Ishimaru is autistic, but it’s up for you to decide if you agree with me.

#kiyotaka ishimaru #ishimaru kiyotaka #dangan ronpa #character analysis #autistic headcanon #actuallyautistic #my post

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