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horanghoe · 4 years

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warm milk & honey - SKZ fic

A/N: I just realised I forgot Han ^ I am screaming

Pairing: OT7/reader

Rating: PG friendly (with a friendly warning of poly / multiple person relationship).

Genre: POLY!SKZ / Fluff / Very slight angst & mentions of bad sleep patterns.

Word Count: 3.6k exactly, my doods

Summary: A restless night, ultimately remedied by your sweet baby man angel boys. Or alternatively: Istg if Jisung makes one more weird noise imma end this man’s whole life no cap, Binnie hold me back -

Back to ~ SKZ Masterlist

Back to ~ Main Masterlist

Special Mentions <3

@domjaehyun for being a yoghurt eating legend that takes a year to respond ASKDJF ILY BICH//

@seowoos for inspiring this whole damn thing & helping me feel more comfortable w publishing more niche content models. Even if it’s just cheesy enough for the two of us <3 //

@chocolvte for being another OG on this list, n just generally being a sweet bean <3 baby girl ur reactions were the second inspiration to get me INTO SKZ in the first place. ily uwu //

and lastly, surprise @mikoto-ica-fics !! You were the last part of the equation that got me to write smin for these boys. I binged practically all your fics in two nights bby, keep making michellin star fics <3

Tonight wasn’t working out quite as you had expected.

To be honest, it was fucking shit.

Well, the night itself was okay. In terms of activities. An evening in with your boyfriend, Chan.

Just you two versus the world. The poor boy was so tired that honestly, it had only consisted of a walk through the park to grab snacks, and returning to the empty dorm to laze around the whole evening. A Netflix date with some *ahem* late night fun to settle you both into a deep, restful state.

It was brilliant, fantastic. Until it wasn’t.

Until you lay painfully awake in his bed and suffocated in the dark silence and space between you. It wasn’t Chan’s fault; the obnoxious whirring of electronics made your head spin, tiny flashing lights and minute feelings of unease at the cupboard door leaning open; all made it virtually impossible to sleep.

It was too cold. Too hot. You were so comfortable, melted into the mattress. But it was swallowing you and your claustrophobia was starting to make you twitch. Moving off of your angelic boy’s limbs, you shimmied to the cooler side of the bed.

He stirred a little, before settling on turning away, onto his side. Phew. At least you hadn’t woken him. It wasn’t like you were trying to be selfish, but fuck. This was insufferable.

Every time you looked at the clock you were sure it slowed down - balls, at this point it could’ve skipped back an hour and you wouldn’t have batted an eye. Mostly because if they weren’t checking the clock, they were staring dead straight up at the ceiling.

Eh. Ugh. Fuck. I can’t sleep.

That’s all your brain could think. Stuck - monotone and on a never-ending loop.

It seemed like everything you had ever thought was swimming around in your brain like some kind of primordial juice. Feelings and emotions swelling and bloating in your belly until they settled.

And then a car passed outside, and everything started to swell up again.

Chan was on his side, turned away and peacefully gaining some shut-eye. He was only lightly sleeping though, that much you could tell. His body gently lifting, then falling with breath. Like you; he often struggled to sleep deeply, usually not lasting very long when he did manage to.

You were so pissed.

How dare he sleep. And look so good doing it. Even just his bareback looked hot as shit - here you were, a messy, greasy big toe wrestling with your stupid ape brain to shut off the useless brain thoughts, next to this slice of heaven - just, ugh existing so perfectly.

“Oh my god, this is torture.” You cursed quietly into the dead space.

Maybe the frustration was all from hormones?

Nah, fuck that. Feminism and all that jazz. That’s just part of the human condition, babycakes. Happens to the best of us, unfortunately.

No, what it was, was the constant whirring coming from the TV screen and Felix’s PlayStation tower and large monitor. The tiny little flashes, whirrs, huffs from the fan and rotating lights. It was driving you abhorrently insane. FUCK.

“Chan? Channie, baby, are you awake?.” You whispered into the air. His breath faltered a little, stirred mostly by your movement to groan, gruff and flip the duvet off your hot, sticky body. Gentle though you tried to be, it was still enough to wake his fuzzy brain.

“Chan, please. I’m sorry babe but that TV is driving me fucking insane.” Your voice was too alert and frustrated for him not to stir. His heart panged a little at the distress laced in your tone.

“Please, Channie. I’m so sorry…”

He rolled on his back to look at you. Slowly, and with much effort. He groaned softly before wiping his eyes and leaving his arms above his head.

“Hey.” He whispered, warmly smiling.

“Don’t be sorry – can you not sleep again, baby girl?” Chan asked softly, watching you sit stiffly upright. His deep voice made your heart flutter, nodding as he groaned. He smiled despite any resentment you may have allowed him to feel. Resting his warm palm against your rib as he muttered a response - you excused his fumbled words for definition - so tired he was barely able to keep his eyes open.

“You can turn it off, yeah?” Chan sighed.

What he meant was ‘You know how and where to turn it off, without messing up the whole system like last time, right?’. You nodded quickly, squeezing his bicep lightly before slipping from the exposed mattress.

Dashing up to scramble behind the low TV unit and find the one wire to end it all. Your infernal pain that was.

He watched you, letting his eyes rest occasionally. Truth was, you looked so beautiful to him when you were concentrating on something. For example, pulling out the HDMI cord triumphantly. And holding in a small squeal (scream), of relief when the high pitched buzzing cut out with a slight electronic fuzz. He chuckled, not missing your little feet pattering in step with a tiny little victory pump.

“Yes. Fuck. The noise, it’s gone!” Chan chuckled softly, keeping his arm outstretched until you landed beside him. Pulling you toward him, under the covers.

“Yeah, you really got that wire Y/N. Showed it who’s the boss, huh?” His tired enthusiasm outweighed his sarcasm, owning a soft kiss to the cheek as you clambered over the bed, only to flop with a weighted sigh straight down onto his shoulder.

He giggled, smiling with a yawn as he tucked his arm against your ribs, tucking you up against his chest in a bearhug.

You fell asleep quickly; soft breaths and just the presence of Chan's being, enough to satiate the gnawing ache in the back of your brain.

And it was peaceful. Restful. Warm, and so pleasant.

Until it wasn’t.

Turns out tonight wasn’t your night. The clock read 1:28 am – and the boys were due to come home from practice any moment now. To be honest they were pretty late.

Chan had originally had the day off, hence the chance for you to be led here in his arms. But you were starting to think it really hadn’t made that much of a difference.

It wasn’t just the high pitched whirring that had aggravated you, but now the uncomfortable heat radiating from Chan's body. The small whoosh of cool air against your neck at any vehicle that passed by. Or just the evening breeze. You groaned softly, dropping your head back to Chan’s chest with a soft thud, lulling back into a light and unrestful sleep.

Ten minutes or so passed. Waking from a fuzzy dream, you were disorientated. The worst dreams always happened in short little bursts. Like little hellish fever dreams.

The clock now read 1:39 am and the time between minutes was becoming unbearable. Too long to bear . You had to move. Speak. Scream. Cry. Kick. Do something.

Peeling off Chan’s arm, and replacing yourself with a large fluffy pillow, you left your lover to rest. You dread to think that it would be able to replace you, but hey, at least it wouldn’t move like one big fat sweaty ferret, right?

Sigh. Sad times.

You abandoned Chan for the disgustingly bright hallway. Seeking new comforts, from whoever would take you. The boys were home; noises of beings floating down the hall, past Chan’s room.

By the time you had gathered the strength to rise off the bed though – blinking away the stars and excited little lines in your vision and raising enough chi to move your soul, and body upwards off of the bed – an inkling of tiredness was starting to itch into your consciousness.

You ached to be held. Loved.

You weren’t sleepy enough to get back into his bed though. Though; you missed Chan’s body as soon as you had tumbled yourself away from it.

---------

Fetching your favourite fluffy square pillow and putting on one of Chan’s big shirts, you padded out and into the hallway. The door closed behind you with a soft putt, pillow tight against your belly.

The tired but comfortingly loud voices of your other lovers were coming from the kitchen.

You wobbled forward, groaning to yourself as your thighs began to ache. Just from being alive, you guessed. Your thighs tingled your skin into little chilly goosebumps, a shiver sparking down your spine.

Maybe the heat of Chan’s bed wasn’t so bad, you began to consider. Before a voice echoed down to where you were slowly walking from.

“Ya – hold up, I’ll grab my jumper then we can watch that stupid shit-film you were on about earlier?” You heard Jisung shout over the kitchen to the boys gathered on the sofa.

The boys muttered some form of agreement and before you could process it, the firm but soft body of Han Jisung had swung right around the corner and straight into your zombie path.

Being conscious, and not half-dead like you, he was able to stop abruptly in front of you and step back a little. The shock of a body blocking his path was quickly masked with warm love as he cooed at the sight of you.

“Y/n-ieeeeee look at youuuu~” He whispered loudly, wrapping his arms around you to squeeze you firm against his body.

His presence eased you, despite the chaotic energy he may have appeared to have. He was just one big squirrel with muscles. The perfectly-right size to pull you against him, your neck flopping so skin met skin, cheek to shoulder in that white sleeveless shirt of his.

You melted into his caring touch, groaning when he gave a squeeze and actually, not hating how firmly he held you. For a moment, he seemed to be just quietly accepting your unspoken words. Night-long grief expressed in the way you clung to him.

Eventually, he asked the inevitable questions, though.

“Baby, why aren’t you asleep? Hmm, pretty? It’s like, 2 am already!” He exclaimed softly, somewhat conscious of Chan’s sleeping presence down the hall. And your zombie-eardrums.

You couldn’t answer, instead, you let him pull you away so he could peer down at your head against his shoulder. The pillow was a soft barrier between you, though he removed it to place it softly on the floor.

“As cute as you look in Chan’s top right now, baby, this hallway is pretty cold. Gosh damn, your legs are shaking so much. How long have you been standing out here princess? Let’s get you warmed up, yeah?” He squeezed you against him once more - rubbing his warm palms against your trembling, shivering thighs.

As he stood back up you groaned again, reluctant to articulate how badly you just wanted to be softly touched. Not aggressively rubbed. Even if you appreciated the notion, it was cutely awkward. Your expression made him laugh softly, tucking hair behind your ear and placing a kiss on your cheek, head, forehead.

“You okay though? Wanna come sit with us?” You nodded quickly, body flopping into his hold as soon as his arms went to lift you. Your head rested on his shoulder, Jisung’s body dipping to lift you and wrap your knees around his hips. He was such a careful, sweet baby boy.

“Ya – come on you big baby, you. Who do you want to be delivered too for the meantime, huh? I gotta go change out of my gym stuff.”

“Hyunjin-ah... please...” You mumbled airily. Despite how unused your voice was, it was sweet as honey. He smiled, responding with a soft “Sure" before turning back to where he had come from. Heart warmed by the opportunity to care for you, even if for just a moment.

And even though he was a bit sticky – and the thought ‘yuck' registered quickly in your half-conscious brain – you didn’t mind the smell. Or the languid way he carried you.

You nuzzled against his neck, groaning once more as his entrance was announced to the room. A loud “Han Jisung's Special Delivery Service!” was projected, I.N. slipping by with a quick ruffle of your hair before moving to turn down the hall, into his room. The boys looked up at the noise and your entrance into the room, immediately softened by the sight.

You, entirely snuggled against a buoyant Jisung, that held you so carefully against his chest. Messy hair tucked under his chin; your eyes were puffy, sore, and barely open as he came into the centre of the soft-lit room.

“Nawww – cuuuutieeee~” Changbin cooed, Lee Know giggling as Seungmin stepped forward to kiss your cheek, sweetly brushing hairs away from your face. The proximity to Jisung didn’t seem to spook his intimacy.

Your eyes fluttered close from the embrace, Seungmin smiling to himself at his ability to soothe you. Even just a little.

“That’s a funny looking jumper, Ji.” Seungmin quipped, before adding a quick “Hi Y/N.” With a small squeeze of your cheek, before heading toward the kitchen.

“Hyunjin-ah you have a special request delivery here, where shall I put her?” Jisung questioned, approaching the sofa nimbly.

Hyunjin smiled, shuffling a little before holding out his arms, patting his lap.

“Right here~” you heard, before feeling gravity weigh at your back. You got off early, aided by Jisung and Hyunjin’s hands on your hips. Quietly you yawned, turning to a barefaced beautiful boy, smiling at you cutely.

Jisung pecked a kiss on your shoulder before passing, leaving to go sort himself out.

Hyunjin smiled up at you with a coo, pulling you down towards him with his long limbs. With you laying, legs tangled above him he wiggled back so you could lay comfortably on his chest.

He kissed your cheek before tucking your forehead against his chin, your eyes slowly bobbing open and shut as his calm vibe washed over you. Changbin shared some of your weight on the somewhat roomy sofa; kissing your hair softly and curling against you to keep you warm.

The television was on a late-night MC show playing. Though it registered to you as white noise. The boy’s voices over you were soothing, even if they edged a little loud occasionally.

At some point, you had started to drift off again. For the most part, Hyunjin was a gentle giant anyways. So despite his resistance to skinship, your body (and some of the boys), was never left out in terms of body-pillow-comforts.

Meaning, he treated your limbs like a very bony pillow he could encapsulate entirely.

You weren’t sure where the others were. Or what part of the sofa you were even on. You figured the end since the guys had their feet up. But you didn’t mind. It was safe. Here, in their arms. Against their bodies.

Even the bright overhead lights of the kitchen and hallway weren’t enough to stop you lulling into sleep.

At a later point, you awoke again with a startle – Jisung shushing your tired whines with a kiss as he jumped onto the sofa to your left, a little too enthusiastically. Hyunjin moaned like a brat, ultimately having a play fight underneath you until you mustered up a death stare to end all squabbles, ever. Period. Jisung settled, intertwining your fingers on Hyunjin’s belly until your breath softened. Falling into a weak slumber once more.

Once again; your sleep was great. Perfect. Until it wasn’t.

An abrupt jostle of Hyunjin jolting to stop spilling the food he held above your head, was met with an unattractive grunt of pure disgust on your part. Eyes squinted, head wrinkled and body tense, you were once again awake.

“Sorry baby! I didn’t mean to wake you!” Hyunjin whined, too loudly next to your throbbing head. Changbin noticed your tense limbs and pulled you backwards against his chest. This merely caused another squabble to ensue between them - who held the right to hold you, like a fluffy comfort blank.

Suddenly everything was bothering you again.

Their constant jostling and boyish movements were just too much. You pulled up from Changbin. Avoiding the tugging, whining, needy arms and hands from Hyunjin to stand weakly once more.

Frustrated. Tired. And all coupled with a reasonably ugly scowl weeping over your face.

They were so engrossed in their silly little arguments, little kicks, punches and teasing laughter, that they barely even noticed your sluggish movements to get up.

Until you were on your feet. Your body heat sapped from them in a bitter attempt at being sour. Hyunjins hands immediately flew out to steady you. Changbin pouting but ultimately letting you retreat once more.

“Y/Nieeee~ Come baaack, I didn’t mean it. Come lay back down, baby~” Hyunjin whined warily, the other two boys still giggling amongst themselves. You swatted against the tiredness on your face, grumbling before stumbling backwards.

You made it a few steps before you folded over on impact at hitting the kitchen table. The table thudded on impact and the boys winced, watching your face scrunch up in pain immediately.

A new pair of hands caught you this time, stuttering before lean arms caught you.

“Woah! Careful there pretty girl, nearly took the whole bloody table out. You okay?”

Felix's. Soft, caring and most importantly soft voice and calm motions of support waved over you in a way that gave you immediate comfort. You rested your head against his chest as he tugged you up, body slumping into him with an inaudible impact. He giggled, despite your weighted movements, speaking lowly with that deep, tired voice of his.

“Y/N, you silly sausage, are you alright?” He prompted quietly, leaning his head down to capture your whines and huffs of pain.

“Owww, my butt… That hurt~” You groaned, not minding his giggles but sending a puffy glare to the others snickering away on the sofa.

The table (or your idiot bulldozer body), had set a deep ache right into the cheek of your butt. Your hand kneaded it gently before Felix’s hand quickly replaced yours, rubbing and squeezing softly until your face scrunched, the pain subsiding.

“Ouch.” You whispered, peering up at him with a pout. He kissed your nose cutely with a little eruption of giggles, helping you crack a pouty smile.

“Come on, cutie.” He mumbled before grabbing your hand to guide you slowly into the kitchen. “I could kiss it better?” He prompted, ultimately softening at your lack of response. You were so morgue-ish you hadn’t even registered his words. Letting him tug you blindly as your eyes struggled to stay open.

You could barely register his hands, pressing at your waist. Weakly managing to hold on as he lifted you on top of the counter. Squinting, you could see the clock read 2:23 (am) on the cooker. Ugh. What a night.

You’d feel shit in the morning. But that was nearly impossible to think about with the way Felix was holding you right now. Like a baby. Or a puppy. A little ball of fluff.

He kept some form of contact as he moved around you – a hand to the knee or his hip between your legs. Or even lips against your hairline, using the counter space around you to do something. What he was doing, you were tired to even care.

“You know what used to help me Y/N? When I couldn’t sleep at night?” He prompted gently. You shook your head, pulling back with a weak sway

“Warm milk and honey!” He exclaimed quietly. Too cute for his own good. You smiled, and he pulled you against his chest to kiss your cheek and giggle delicately.

“You want some? Then we could try to sleep? You look like you need some shut-eye, baby. Don’t wanna miss out on that beauty sleep! If you want - we can always sleep in – just call in sick? Your boss is honestly so nice, I'm sure she won’t mind. You say you’re always working through lunch breaks anyway?”

Despite his rambling, you just nodded. Tired eyes once again resting as the hum of the radiator, the vibration of his chest eased your brain. Your head tucked so right underneath his chin. His palms folded behind your lower back.

At some point, Changbin had appeared. Sweeping a thumb over your forehead before kissing you sweetly, cheek resting on Felix’s shoulder.

“I love you, princess. Sorry for waking you.” He had whispered against your lips. “Mmm-I-love-you-too-Binnie~” You managed in one tumbling sentence. In fairness, the touch would've probably led you both somewhere (the bedroom), if you weren’t in such a zombie-like state.

“Sure thing, pretty.” He whispered, pressing a kiss to your puffy cheeks before retreating. He let you both be, cold marble beneath your thighs now warmed by your constant body heat. You passed out pretty quickly against Felix’s chest. Cocooned, safe.

What you did miss in your deep, deep sleep was the way they carried you.

Felix physically, to their shared room. Changbin carrying your drinks and fetching your favourite pillow from the hall.

And what you heavenly missed in the night; they made up to you in the morning.

And the next night. And the night after that.

Because even though you occasionally suffered restless nights, you knew one of them would always be there to catch you.

And you’d do the same for them.

P.S. Fuck Chan’s wiring system. Extension cables were the bane of your nightly living. *holds up fingers in a cross and hisses*

well would you look at that: updated 03/OCTOBER/2021

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princess-leia-organa-solo · 2 years

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Dr Strange into the Multiverse of Madness

So I watched the movie and... I have some thoughts. Mostly negative ones since I haven't really been a huge fan of Marvel anyway but I still found some of the movies to be enjoyable.

For a start, the whole thing feels like a frat boy learned a new word and is repeating it mindlessly. Like, okay Marvel, we get it, you discovered the concept of the Multiverse. And now in the next decade so many movies will probably revolve around that concept that it's honestly gonna become a headache. But to be honest this is the least of this movie's problems.

Moving on from the fact that we won't be rid of the multiverse concept for at least a decade in any movie. To me it felt like Dr Strange: Into the Multiverse was way too heavily inspired by Inception. Like borderline plagiarism imo, especially when it comes to the visuals. I mean, it's my fault I expected an ounce of originality from a superhero movie but come on, with the technology that exist nowadays when it comes to visuals and special effects in movies, they could have at least made an effort to not rip off Inception - from the poster to the visuals it was pretty much 1:1. I understand drawing inspiration from a movie/director you admire but that should not stop you from making something original and good.

And while we're on the topic of visuals and special effects and CGI etc, that movie barely had anything aside from those things. And again, I realise that it's a superhero movie and it is all about the special effects but would it fucking kill them to have *some* meaningful dialogue between the characters? Everything that was said, everything that happened was extremely underwhelming and predictable. Especially the last ~20 minutes of the movie where the dialogue was so flat and cheesy that it makes you wonder whether it's satirical and making fun of how predictable movies have become or if they're being for real with the banality of it. And to clarify, even if it is satirical, if that does not become clear to the audience that means the idea flopped.

Honestly, because of the excessive amount of special effects the movie felt way too fast paced to the point where I actually found myself thinking 'Am I supposed to care about any of these new characters?' Take America for example, she was introduced way too quickly, given no backstory and barely any purpose. Strange's character felt extremely two dimensional - like he had absolutely no personality whatsoever. In the first movie he did have a personality - he was cocky, snarky, sarcastic and here he was just your basic superhero. You could put anyone else in his place and the movie wouldn't change a bit. Sure, they tried to save that with a few snarky remarks but they felt forced and kind of... fell flat. And I am honestly not even going to criticise Cumberbatch because he is a brilliant actor. It's just that he wasn't really given much to work with.

And don't even get me started on the AU avengers x illuminati bullshit. Like what the fuck lmaooooooo. When you get to the illuminati plotline unironically is when you've not only hit rock bottom but gotten the shovel and started digging down more. That part of the movie genuinely made me wanna leave the theater and go home istg.

And now I really wanna get to the part that genuinely bothers me the most - the character of Wanda Maximoff/the Scarlet Witch. I will begin by saying that I don't feel like she was given enough screen time in previous MCU movies to justify the decision to make a separate show for her but go off I guess. Despite feeling like she doesn't have enough backstory either I watched the show. It isn't my favourite but I liked it, it was good. Wanda is someone who has lost everything and everyone she loves - her psychotic break is justified and actually understandable to the point that I was actively rooting for her both in the show and in the movie though for different reasons. In the show they managed to showcase her insanity in a chilling and captivating way and they had the opportunity to make her so much more terrifying in the movie. She had the potential to be an actually horrifying villain but, like all Marvel villains, they turned her into barely an inconvenience.

At the beginning we find out that Wanda wants to kill America, a child, for personal reasons. And if you don't know the personal reasons your like okay damn she's really gone crazy. They hype her up so much and make her out to be this terrifying villain but... at the end they still defeated her fairly easily? I am in general frustrated with Marvel because their female characters reaaaallly lack any depth. But I am genuinely angry cause it looked like they were adequately developing Wanda. They had started shaping her into this great villain and then... her motivation to kill a child was because she wanted to go to an AU and be a mother to her kids? The reason this frustrates me is because she would have been so much more scary if she just wanted to kill and be evil just because - she's lost everything and everyone she loves so she has nothing left to loose; might as well do whatever the fuck. But noooo the *female* villain's aspiration is to be a mom, to be with her kids. That's why she is gonna kill another kid. If the villain was a dude would they give such a lame excuse? Not to mention how she suddenly decided to do the right thing and stop being evil at the end. She saw one example of what devastation her actions would cause to her children in another universe and... she suddenly gives up what she had fought for the entire movie and just... collapsed the Scarlet Witch's temple on herself? That isn't very believable lmaoooo. And we have two options here a) they did actually kill her off in this pathetic fucking way or b) they did not kill her off and she will keep appearing but is gonna be good or at least morally grey or something? And I honestly don't know which one of these options is worse.

Like I feel like we were lead to believe that Wanda is too far gone in her insanity so for her to be presented as so evil and scary the entire movie for her to be like 'oops sorry lemme fix stuff real quick' in the last five minutes just felt so fabricated and unnatural? Like it broke the entire flow of the movie and there was no true character development. Which is genuinely sad because despite Wanda being the 'evil' one she was still the most likeable character in the movie. She was still pretty two dimensional but at least she had some shading. Until the end of the movie, that is. I dunno, it's just mind blowing to me how we got this pretty cool show showing Wanda spiraling and then an entire movie hyping her up as this strong villain/strongest magic possessing character and then have the ending of the movie be so underwhelming and anticlimactic.

And then as a post credit scene teasing the next Dr Strange movie... I was genuinely like seriously? You made this shitty ass movie and you have the audacity to advertise the next one?

Overall I went to watch Dr Strange into the multiverse without any expectations and I still walked out of the theater pretty fucking disappointed. Imo this movie feels like a filler episode in some tv show, and a bad filler at that. I genuinely feel like this it does not contribute anything to the MCU whatsoever. For all I care it could have never existed. But you know... I get it... Disney bought Marvel and you gotta do what you gotta do for the greedy mouse. Still, Marvel and all its actors are complete sell-outs imo. Ang again, it's unrealistic to have high expectations for a superhero movie but this one didn't even meet the bare minimum in my eyes. Overall, I'd say it was really not worth the money to go see Dr Strange into the multiverse in the theater. Now excuse me while i go bleach my brain with Inception.

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eb17021993 · 3 years

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6th May 2020

We all went out for a trail walk except for Ash who had ths long meeting. You made us all packed sandwiches which we had later on and was delish. I had an apple in my jacket and rmmbered u didn't have anythin ths morning. Well we all didn't cos we didn't have the time. I broke the apple and gave the half to Rosie which she greatly appreciated while we shared the other half.

T'was a long walk and I enjoyed it, talkn to Rosie thn Sukie thn Sam took pics of me.. I wasn't avoiding you but I was bein careful cos I can be a bit clingy but thankfully it wasn't tht much of an effort to get distracted as I get lost in my world in the woods..

We got bck to the caravan, lounged for a while. I made ya'll some pasta with red creamy sauce tht hasn't got any meat innit cos Sukie was vegan and just threw pizza in the oven.. I missed cooking for friends. More lounging arnd, singing, vibing, talkin comfortably.

The sisters had to go so, the five of us went to town. After dropping them of we went straight to yours as Sam went away for few hrs.

We were left alone. We went outside and sat together while we talked. Not abt the kiss. I can't rmmber wht exactly we were tlkn abt but I rmmber I easily confessed tht

'I like you vry much. I rly do. I want to have you and keep you in my life as long as I can. As long as you let me be.'

Which earned me a smile of yours. Though I also made a point tht I wasn't sure if I want to be in a relationship right now and you made it clear tht u wntd to be friends. Truth be told, I know what I want. I just don't want to say it out loud. Yet. And I'm scared. Scared of rejection. Scared of causing hurt. Scared of vulnerability. But no matter how much I play it off cool and say tht I've no idea wht I'm doin, it might come off tht I play everything like the way I want to cos deep inside, I do. And it shows..

I'm not uncomfortable with ppl stripping off in front of me but u do know tht I'm into you, right? Why do tht? Thn ask me to get ur hair mask to hand in while u're takn shower. Istg my sexual desires and imagination was running wild I wanted to get into the tub so bad, evn with my clothes on.. I wntd to do wht Clark did to Lois.. So, I just flopped down to ur bed, face down, defeated. You fnishd. I'm sitting on my side of your bed while you took ur towel off while gettn change. I took slow and deep breaths. I'm convinced tht u're askn for it but I ain't doin anythin whn u made it clear we're "friends"

Your back was facing me but the mirror tht you were in front of was definitely helping/not helping (there's a thin line between the two) of giving me a show. I didn't evn care if u saw my eyes trailing up and down on your body. I put my hands onto my face cos I was enjoying the view too much. I was hopin I'd get caught, eyeing everything u were doin.. Cos deargod, I'm starving and I was in the mood to eat,. Oh no, devour you.. But yeah..

Deep breaths dear one, deep breaths..

I picked up few bits and our dinner at mine's bfore we all headed bck..

Fast forward after dinner, we all had couple of beers, went out and enjoyed our last night with a commemorative spliff session. I stayed true to wht I had told myself tht I ain't smoking anythin whn I got into ths trip so I just kept drinking. Thn we played card games, talked a bit more. Such a memorable night with friends..

7th May 2020

It's the middle of the night now.. Well, abt past 1 or 2am. We were preparing to go to sleep, you were alrdy in bed while I brushed my teeth. I crawled in slowly not to disturb you but noticed u were still awake. So I scratched ur head to put u to sleep while I was on my phone.. Thn suddenly you took ur clothes off and insist on having ur back scratched. I thought to myself, "what on earth is she doin?"

But hey.. You don't need to ask twice.

There was inappropriate touching of course but I treaded carefully, explorin ur body but not going furthermore. Just the sides of your breasts, your chest, your stomach, your legs, your butt, inside of your thighs.. Toying with your back, lightly wrapping my hands on ur neck, soft yet firm grips on ur hair.. Mainly avoiding your nipples and your crotch smh.

I love how u flinch, shiver and push forward to keep away from me whn my hands get to tht certain spot. But I pull you back, you follow and everytime I moved my hands and fingers so delicate and light yet agonisingly slow, you do just the same and melt away. I now know where to touch. Where I can get you to beg.

'Do it harder, please'

'Nuh uh'

'But I'm sensitive there with light touches'

'Exactly. And I'm having vry much fun with it'

As you continue to react from my touch and keep askn me to go harder... No. I'm in the mood to painfully tease, thank you vry much. You have antagonise me in a vry arousing way couple of times alrdy. Nowhere I'll stop now. You faced me as u lay in my left arm. I gave soft kisses on your forehead and ur nose while my other hand was carresing yourr back and tht spot u like.. I was workn my way down and gave you one wet kiss on the lips thn you pulled away and turned.

'You're gonna get my face wet now'

I don't rly care if I'm such a fool believing tht u do like this, vry much so. If I'm being too full of myself yet agn, I'd say something like 'more like get you all wet' but I'm not, so I just scoffed it off.

I reached for your hand, kissed it, locked my fingers with with urs thn hugged you as I came closer. We held hands as I played with your thumbs, you were stroking my right forearm which was sensitive to me. I kissed the back of ur head and deargod.. Why did I inhale ur smell? I'm flaky now. As I drag my hands all over your arm, to your sides thn ur tummy as I draw circles on ur belly button while I got slightly down kissing ur neck thn ur right shoulder. I agn inhaled. Ohdearme. Wht am I doin? I kissed tht part where your neck meets your shoulder. Tht part I deliberately bit gently and unhurriedly sucked a little.

Istg you couldn't manage to speak and barely move away. I rly did wanna lose control tht night, but I exactly know wht I'm doing. I rmmber everything, tht's how I can write thm down. How in God's wrath I'm still sober by then? I was drinkin whiskey, I had vodka and was downing bottles of beers the whole night. But whn you said

'Stop'...

I heard you.

And did just that.

Ofc I still did a little more of teasing and you squirming just enough satisfy me . So, as the kind person tht I am...

'Just give me a kiss thn I'll stop'

you hesitated for a couple of secs but I grasp your hand, squeezed it tenderly, reasurring you it's okay, you face me agn. We kissed. But you quickly turned around. I didn't push further. So I stayed there, petting your head while on my phone. And as you fall asleep, I lift ur head up and positioned it nicely on the pillow and brushed ur hair away from your face.

Tsss. Friends my face.

So contradicting isn't it? Yet makes sense.

I want to be friends. I rly do. It isn't just a facade tht I put up. There's truth in tht, no matter how little it can be. But, I also want to be more than friends.

I couldn't sleep after all tht. How could I? So, I stayed there for a while. Eyes closed.

Until I hear you making sex noises. Like tht night could've gone way, idk, better or worse? Now, you were a hot mess. All moaning, whining and crying of pleasure in your wet dream. Next to me. While I lay there. I wanted to go down on you so bad and just make you moan, whine and cry. Literally..

So wht did I do? I just laughed off of defeat.

Wht else could I have done rly?

#nights with you

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