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I finished the shuddering now I need a little treat of people being happy and falling in love
#it actually wasn’t that bad I mostly#just felt a lot of pain for April 😔#died alone knowing her fiancé was probably going to leave her and had to watch him#have puppy dog eyes for his Highschool love the entire time#he literally was thinking about jane and imagining her while havinf sex with april#u deserved ur slow death sawyer 😒
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My bug phobia has actually gotten sooo much worse in adulthood like I used to LOVE moths and butterflies but now even seeing a close up picture of a butterfly on a screen has the capacity to cause me distress if I see its little legs and stuff…… maybe it’s bc I moved to the city when I turned 18 and I’m not surrounded by all kinds of bugs 24/7 anymore
#I was always extremely irrationally scared of bugs but it wasn’t quite this bad#it was mostly spiders#the only bugs I ever rlly see now are those little water bugs which terrify me#and flies and the occasional moth MAYBE#and sometimes roaches outside at night#and ants#and bees in the summer#all freak me out badly#if I saw a spider in my room at this point in my life I would probably kill myself#even like ladybugs and fireflies creep me out now and I loved them so much as a kid#idk if they count as bugs or what their deal is but worms make me want to actually set myself on fire#and I used to play in the dirt and look for them when I was a kid and collect them in a red solo cup LMAO
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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It’s still interesting to me that I see people mostly blame Scott for making Pearl have a bad reputation (this is about DL btw), and then others will point out that Pearl was usually being weird or a menace to others and that’s why she had a bad reputation not just cuz Scott was saying she’s his crazy ex soulmate, but NOBODY brings up that Ren (and BigB) literally went around saying “PEARL IS A DEMON!!!! IF YOU GO ANYWHERE NEAR HER YOU WILL DIE!!!!” Like… if ANY outside force is making Pearl unfairly look bad I’d look to the guy acting like it’s a witch trial rather than the soulmate who simply recounts the things Pearl has ACTUALLY done lol.
#I had this thought before I watched thru Scott’s DL. after watching it I will say Pearl should’ve said things SCOTT did lmao#trafficblr#double life smp#dlsmp#but yeah like Scott wasn’t ever rlly exaggerating when telling others what Pearl was up to#and sometimes ppl would listen to him and go ‘surely she’s not that bad’ and then interact with pearl and change their minds. lol.#but like Pearl just on her own was being a menace to ppl so Scott kind of just validated their feelings about her mostly#I don’t actually know if Ren’s whole ‘pearl is a demoness’ thing actually swayed anyone#but like. ‘my soulmate tortures me with snow and tries to forcefully live with me!!’ yeah I guess that gives a bad impression. entirely true#tho. ‘Pearl is a demon witch who curses people with her mere existence’ uh. yeah that’s a very bad impression and entirely untrue.#which one of them is REALLY spreading exaggerated bad info on Pearl
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oh waaaaah jjk sucks because my fave died!! okay then go back to children’s shows or something where no one ever dies at all.
since the beginning of the series it was established that being a sorcerer was incredibly dangerous and ended with most sorcerers having short lives. it’s one of the first things discussed by the characters.
it’s a dark series and that means people will die. “people dying = bad and predictable writing!!!” it’s a fantasy series and you aren’t the one fucking writing it. it’s not even complete and you don’t actually even know who’s dead or not or who will actually stay dead. they haven’t even fully revealed what yuuji’s team’s plan is yet.
like…if you don’t like that then take your ass back to bnha or grow tf up.
#jjk spoilers#jjk#gojo satoru#literally mean it mostly about him#i like him but he’s the strongest. there’s not much to build on for his character at all#either he actually wasn’t but needed to believe that he was#or he’s not actually dead yet#‘oh it got so shitty and bad after the shibuya arc’#then stop reading it.#they established from the BEGINNING that people are going to die#if their deaths seem sudden and surprising then that’s GOOD WRITING#plots shouldn’t be predictable all the time#it’s like just because you don’t like something means it’s inherently bad#you guys have got to respect that media is meant to be diverse and that is does not have to be happy or make you happy in order to be good#please stop hating fr you guys already fucking ruined bnha bc of it#bnha spoilers#kind of#that’s a series i put down and walked away from because it’s pretty obvious the author wanted to kill off bakugou#but him being a ‘fan favorite’ prevented that choice#as a result the story is a mess and the plot had potential but now it’s just gonna fall flat
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I just want to be allowed to scream at my sister the way she screams at me. I want to be allowed to slam doors and throw things and break things. I want to be allowed to react to the way she treats us and not be called selfish.
#hot fucking take but I don’t really see much dialogue on how fucking traumatizing it can be to live with an autistic person#whose autism outwardly manifests the most behaviorally#her not being able to help being dysregulated does not negate how fucking scary it is#to be on the receiving end of that behavior#and to be conditioned for your entire life that you’re bad if you react in any way#this is less about neurodivergence than it is about my fucking mother#especially because I’m likely on the spectrum as well#but if someone that wasn’t autistic did those same things it would be considered an abusive environment#I’m not saying that my sister is abusive#but I am saying that it is so incredibly emotionally damaging to live in this house#any harm done to me by the screaming and throwing and breaking things is not even allowed to be considered#because she ‘can’t help herself’#and the quotes there are again less about neurodivergence than my mother#because my sister actually has really solid coping skills… when my mother is not involved#my mother will make excuses and enables her in a way that is so frustrating#my sister would actually do much better if she were living in a dorm/group home like she previously was#but that costs a lot of money#and so she lives here with my enabling permissive mother#and is more dysregulated than she has been in YEARS#because so many of the skills and coping tools she learned at her resident program#she has completely stopped utilizing because she doesn’t have to#because instead of trying to work through it my mother will make excuses for her#so instead of trying to work through it she screams so loud my ears ring#and slams doors so hard they break#and throws things in a way that makes me scared she’s going to hurt one of us#but if I display any reaction to what in any other circumstance would be recognized as a frightening and harmful situation#I’m making things worse and I’m being selfish#I’m like. fine. in the way that I’ve had to be my whole life.#which is mostly dissociating and spending as little time home as possible#but every time it happens it makes me wish I was not alive
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#they need to invent fandom servers that don’t feel like minefields for autistic bitches actually#(it’s me im bitches)#i think this will cure some of my distress#oh to be my past self again who wasn’t as aware of the vibes in the room#thus making it easy to at least try and participate even if it was awkward and fumbling#they were having a better time than i am at least.#'i should reach out and get to know more people' - thoughts i have before remembering im bad at that.#i also feel like i need to turn off parts of my brain just so i dont get stuck in my head#that's the killer right there. too much introspection.#cant help it tho i spend most of my time doing that anyway mostly out of necessity. old habits & whatnot.
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FIRST SHITTY CUSTOMER SERVICE INTERACTION LETS GOOO 💪💪💪
#it wasn’t actually that bad#but i was stuck on the other side of a phone from someone who was audibly annoyed about something that wasn’t my fault#she kept her temper mostly but i couldn’t leave or anything since i had been the initiator#and couldn’t transfer her bc she had been transferred to me#it’s honestly very healing to put the phone back on the hook and sigh loudly while leaning back in my chair
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Apparently my mom shares trans memes on her facebook, which is… cool I guess? But she also still posts old pictures of me all the time
#mine#i’ve even talked to her about this and she got really upset and said she spent hours going through all her old photos of me#and only keeping ones where i looked ‘masculine’#but. they’re absolutely not.#and i mean i’m glad my parents are supportive enough that this is the shit that pisses me off but i’ll be damned if it doesn’t piss me#the fuck off#well ok worse than this is what my dad does#which is basically to only acknowledge it when i’m about to make a big change and he sends me a text#saying ‘hmm i guess you’ve wanted this for a long time huh :(‘#and also still not gendering me ever even though it’s been almost 4 years#like ok he’s not misgendering me but he awkwardly interrupts his sentences to rephrase them to avoid using pronouns#or if he gets really stuck he uses they/them which also pisses me off#it’s this shit and a thing that happened over 2 years ago (!!) at this point that make me feel like i don’t fucking pass ever#and everyone only ever genders me correctly to be nice or patronizing#i still get shocked when strangers gender me correctly (which is basically 100% of the time for the past 3 years)#but that’s really mostly because of the thing that happened 2 years ago#it literally makes me feel so deeply sick when i think about it like i genuinely feel ill#i still have nightmares about it lol#um. i realize i’m being vague but it wasn’t anything actually bad. just some stuff a friend said to me#and then said again and then continued to make it worse by saying more stuff#anyway that’s enough for now#hey if you just clicked ‘see more’ on the tags and saw this huge wall of text don’t bother reading it k
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I think one of the weirdest signs that I was trans was that I was fine with being called a woman but NOT a cis woman. I felt awful cuz I was like “do I have a problem with people calling me cis even tho I am???” cuz I am NOT someone who minds being called accurate descriptors such as cis. I felt like I just wanted to be special or something even tho that wasn’t it and felt so bad. Something just felt really wrong about being called a CIS woman. Definitely one of the more thought provoking signs I was trans lol
#was it cuz ‘cis’ implied I had accepted it? idk cuz I WAS fine with being a woman (as far as I knew)#just some weird subconscious thing I guess. I remember admitting it to my sister at the time lol#I don’t think there are rlly many other interesting signs for me tbh. except that I only corrected ppl online when they called me he if it#either went on so long that I felt bad for them OR we were arguing and I needed something new for them to be wrong about lmao#but similar to the actual post there is ONE thing I still find interesting. which is I watched a gacha cringe video (some were ridiculous#but I often defended them) and there were some where it said ‘I wish I was a boy so I could be gay’ and everyone’s like being disgusted by#this presumably little girl acting like she’s the creepiest fujoshi ever but LITERALLY I’ve had similar thoughts. anything that starts with#‘I wish I was a boy’ obviously has trans implications even if you don’t like what comes after it lol. but like honestly. I would imagine#myself in relationships with guys (mostly fictional characters as u do) and I just hated the idea that it was straight#like same situation as the post. I felt awful cuz I would be FINE with being straight (which I knew I wasn’t anyways) so why did I need to#be special or whatever? it’s cuz just like the post that WASNT the problem. it just felt wrong to me that I wasn’t a boy. so I BASICALLY#wanted to be a boy so I could be in a mlm relationship just like those gachas. it’s just a roundabout way of realizing ur trans.#to be clear I very much had to imagine myself as a guy (typically another fictional character DUH) in order to enjoy it at all#I just realized this sounds sexual. most of it wasn’t actually but the rest is my business LMAOO
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something kind of distressing about my Issues getting better. like the evidence for what happened is disappearing
#now that things are so different with my dad the only record that exists is the way I flinch and the way I can’t be fucking normal in bed a#nd my over the top reactions to stupid shit. and I don’t want to be nonfunctional the way I was last year but I don’t flinch so bad anymore#I want to want it to be like nothing ever happened but at the same time I don’t want to forget#mostly I just end up feeling like a liar.#I forgave my dad and I don’t want to cling to stuff I don’t even remember clearly but also I feel like I’m going crazy#there’s some stuff I know happened because my brother remembers too but he was a little kid for a lot of it or he wasn’t around yet#so the only one who actually knows is my fuckin dad. which obviously isn’t information I can get.#jesus. anyways. I’m on the couch in my parents’ house and I can’t get to sleep#del later
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Honestly the writing surrounding April wasn’t great in 2012 (okay it was at times a goddamn mess and they had too much going on there, streamline things people) but I don’t trust people who really (obsessively even), seem to hate her and yet apparently love and adore that shows versions of Donatello and Casey.
Please.
#TMNT 2012#I’m sorry but Donatello and Casey were often annoying and it wasn’t as if April was exuding ‘make boys act shitty’ toxins from her pores#it was mostly messy writing tbh#like it’s not actually that big of a problem the boys were pretty shitty at the beginning … it just didn’t have great character arcs for it#Like only time I can sorta get mega April hate is really when she calls the turtles “mutant freaks” after her dad gets mutated#but like I’m more irritated by the fact donatello when he learns a lesson gets constantly hit with a reset button next time he sees her#and Casey learns not a goddamn thing#Like teaching boys not to be weird to girls in romance isn’t a half bad character arc or lesson to teach#Esp when the show’s primary demographic aim is probably young boys#but the trouble is even the show was weird about April at points#‘The fuck: why did the show tie april up like that?’#is not something I should be asking myself#Like in retrospect people freaked about april kissing Donnie in that big foot episode as ruining donnies potential to move on#but donatello has ‘learned a lesson’ before only to have it seem like it never happened next time#so did she really? Let’s think about that in context a bit harder folks#like I hear it gets better like in season four but godddaaaammmnn#Like how is splinter not putting his head through a wall from bashing it into it in frustration given his back story#this splinter has the patience of a saint when it comes to his second youngest frankly#2012 TMNT criticism
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Random Peixuan Thought of the Day
(Inspired by me misreading something in a thread)
Modern AU, Pei Ming giving Shi Qingxuan driving lessons
#tgcf#Pei Ming#shi qingxuan#peixuan#random tgcf thoughts#or just 3T giving SQX driving lessons but I think this is funniest either way#Ling Wen will help with the written test#mostly by dumping the reading material on sqx and walking away#(well okay she’ll help explain anything but that test is mostly memorization anyway)#then for the actual driving lessons swd teaching sqx ends in anxiety and tears (mostly tears)#sqx at that point wants to go to a driving school which they can obviously afford#but either it goes poorly because sqx is just a bad driver (swd’s rage wasn’t just him being an impatient jerk)#or pm hears about this and inserts himself into the conversation#why doesn’t he just teach sqx? he has a lot more patience and how hard could it be really#lw and swd are confused about this alleged patience#but swd agrees even though sqx absolutely doesn’t#the two of them get into the car anyway#initially it’s the three of them with swd but he is kicked out immediately for backseat driving#sqx is not happy about any of this and secretly has been broken down a bit by swd’s previous lecturing#and also Ming yi’s more earnest attempts at helping#MY tried but his teaching style is actually somewhat similar to swd’s even if he is nicer about it#he also wore a helmet and a neck brace and refused to take either one off#so anyway the first hour of the lesson is spent bickering and nagging and sqx trying to get pm to quit and go away#but they do eventually somehow manage to get some driving done#(unfortunately for sqx now that swd knows driving lessons with pm work there’s no getting out of them anymore)#anyway I just think this would be cute. and funny.
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maybe I just need to rewatch “thanks to them” and “for the future” soon because. DAMN.
#haven’t see. ep 1 since October#and ep 2 since January#also I just wanna see my babies again!#but also because I’ve been seeing the most bullshit takes on instagram and people that aren’t my mutuals#and something THATS ALWAYS BOTHERED ME is that it’s considered mostly fine to say that FTF was bad (it wasn’t perfect for sure)#but yet you can’t EVER criticize or talk about TTT the same way because “it had colonizer lore therefore it’s perfect.;#and from what I remember TTT was a very good episode BUT SO WAS FTF????#maybe it’s just me but I actually pr3er characters getting developed over plot. sorry not sorry.#anyways both episodes are good but also have flaws so stop acting so black and white about this#and yeah people can have preferences btw#but ok. lemme stop here#not putting in main tags
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I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELFFFF my ears hurt so bad. because i’m literally 0.5 metres away from the speakers broadcasting various videos to the entire classroom. because my fucking physics teacher has a goddamn seating plan that she changes around every unit like an insane person
#.txt#i don’t like her very much. if that wasn’t clear#<- the feeling’s mutual i don’t think she likes most of our class actually#and we’re not like a ‘bad’ class or mostly bad students even. in fact the only kids she seems to like are literally failing the course
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((…Y’know there are SO many issues with Hien and the writing surrounding him
But uh
“Why didn’t he just give the amnesiac woman to the FUCKING GARLEAN EMPIRE” is not one of them wtf))
#; mun ranting#not reblogging the original post mostly because I have a giant bone to pick here but like#of all the things wrong with Hien’s writing#the blatant imperialism towards the Xaela#the staunch refusal to do anything about the fuckin sex slaver and blaming HER for it#(or least that’s how the ENG text is written!)#the way that this COULD be interesting characterization#of the very morally-grey sort#if the text wasn’t kinda hellbent on excusing him from consequences#that that’s probably a result of IRL Japan’s seriously bloody history on all these things#where they constantly pull a USA and either insist it didn’t happen#or that it wasn’t THAT bad#…not giving up the lady who can’t even remember her own name#to the asshole empire who likes to backstab everyone anyway#sure ain’t one of ‘em#okay pettiness done time to go do something actually useful#instead of bitching on the Internet
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