#it doesn't affect my sense of body image any more i've just accepted i don't understand how my body looks and define it for myself

[hikeyzz]

.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i think i've only seen a soma playthrough twice and the first time i didn't absorb it great lol but upon just some light brushing up (incl a short article that was one of the few results that cropped up when i was like "show me the images for 'soma's save feature featured fisting, right' (yeah basically)") it's like, it's always fun when you're just left with a lot of room to Interpret Themes and unsurprisingly at this juncture i'm lasering in on just, like, the matter of [the self vs the other] via this premise that basically people can just make a copy of their Psyche at any point (but needing to find a new & different Soma in which to upload it but like, largely setting that aside when In This Scenario the new bodies don't affect their minds / sense of self at all....except for when they sometimes do? or maybe not. the like glitchy monsters are just kind of WAU automatons, right. and the people are all able to act / communicate themselves as people, though they might be affected by like, existential crises over the goings on) wherein like....the protagonist can Split In Two* at a few points via the psyche copying/uploading, and then the game Follows the copy that will be continuing to advance the plot, and the version of the protagonist we Were following is now An Other even though it's like, that was The Self (at least insofar as that was our first person pov player character) up till just now. and the protagonist can Know like, yeah that's You right over there also. and yet iirc from like, yesterday's light research, in the first instance he at least gets the Option to kill that Other/Self who was, up till just then, the Self to us too, if that makes him feel better abt the existential crisis, or at least discomfort, enough to like, keep moving right along lol (speaking of. just the other day i was like "adagioly onomatopoeiaing the opening banjo strums of rainbow connection from the muppet movie soundtrack does so much for me" and then i learned it was the anniversary of its theatrical release. hell yes. also memorably once when like marinating for hours in a general malaise & failing to find the wherewital to get up i was like "haha oh wait. i'm playing the song 'movin right along' from the muppet movie in my head. okay" up & at em)

anyways the fisting article (which, i was wondering what thoughts it would have on that truly interesting facet of the game. mostly it posited that the uhh sphincteresque penetration of it all would be Typically considered to make cishet men anxious / threatened / vulnerable, and notes the protagonist (hypothetically a cishet man) is indeed trepidatious about it, while also arguing he markedly Doesn't really hesitate in shit that hurts or endangers others in the course of his shit (though ig that can also depend on the player? haven't really rewatched it recently enough to know how much his dialogue adds to [as a character though he's making it clearer he just wants to cut a swath through your shit asap]) and also questions whether the game thinks of (or, from their argument, knows of) the protag as pretty sphincteresque himself. and like yeah probably imo lol like thee ending being what it is, and as far as i know no like Multiple Endings like in amnesia series* stories usually, and thus more room to have a protagonist who talks to characters in the present and i think like, without the ability to choose what he says

anyways that the protagonist can Understand like, hey see that guy over there, that's literally also you rn, and yet he can [Not accept that] in one case such that he'll kill that Self for "his own" Self's comfort really, as the fisting article expressed, to continue believing he is Unique and the One True Self, the only Real [himself]. when, to be sure, the game Could have kept the first person pov on that version of him we'd Been up till then, and had that pov of the one killed. or maybe left behind in another instance, i don't remember all the "transfers"....catherine Explicitly explaining that only the copy/upload format is possible, Not Transfers, making sense what with like. her magic brain scans that can can wholly parse & store your Psyche data, whatever that'd be like, definitely not being meant to, say, Extract the person's Psyche from their living human body upon doing so. while the ending's drama comes from the game Now staying with the version of the protag who'd been our first person pov character prior to that "transfer," who is Again like "why am i still here" despite having the "it's not actually a transfer" explained, b/c This version Just So Happens to be the copy of the copy of the copy like simon(4) or (5) or whatever and ofc can't have been the one(s) already just left behind somewhere back there in the complex or he wouldn't have been able to be at that point in the first place. and then "killing" catherine b/c he's so pissed, i remember it as him hitting whatever device was her effective Soma, but the article i think suggested she just got too stressed in turn and that Output fried the device. while, of course, post credits shows us their "transferred" selves just fine chilling in the ark like whew glad all that's done with

anyways just getting around to the fact of how it's easy to land on catherine as the center of the game....and of course she's the one really Not having crises over [my god, copies of my Self] or others' selves or what all, having even less of a usual Soma than simon but rolling with it, and evidently having already fully absorbed her Self as a distinct version from her original Self, despite having the same links to her that make simon or anyone else who's been copied into whatever other Soma feel like he's continuously been Himself(tm), the one true Real Self he's always been....and like, naturally catherine being the one behind the entire project of [what if we copy/paste people's psyches into a big ol mmorpg server & shoot it into space so that Maybe something can happen with them / in a way they can continue to exist] so she's Been thinking of, you know, being separate from these Selves turned Others who you'll jettison into space beyond even the body of the earth. unless it's supposed to stay in orbit lol i do not remember the details....and ofc like plenty of other people are like wow that's Fucked Up or it's Not Us and like, the latter sure is true with with the [copying, not transferring] element, but also the former is more choose your own adventure (interpretation) when the game isn't about like, and the simulation Is fucked up, or there's any element of distress or dissonance to existing on the ark, though you can't really know that until the post credits scene confirms you're just hanging out for real....which, that article was also going in on the character who's on this quest to kill the WAU as like "the versions of us it makes isn't Real it's Corrupting" and like, arguably the WAU as just kind of, naturally, something capable of growing, and doing so, and the real problem seeming to come in with the [doing whatever for supposed safety but superceding/supplanting/displacing autonomy in doing so] like, people who did not agree to whatever was done re: their Somas or they would've remembered & been like yeah i'm hanging out as a robot now, or a goop guy, gunk [YES], etc. but separate from that obvious issue it's like, my guy, You're a copy made by the WAU now lol, you're your whole person that you are, with the thoughts & feelings to decide you wanna go on a quest to destroy it, and whatever capacity to pursue it....either way i think the game makes it clear enough the WAU is a Neutral force exercising no conscious discernment, it Is a body, or it's some body (once told me) anyways lol, though i guess i did just go "those Monsters that can chase you are just wau manifestations right" so that's getting kind of complex lol, but even that can be taken as, like, it Mimicking human's shapes & bipedality & other external characteristics, i guess, and just the way an overall theme can be [hmm where's that division between the soma and psyche, machine and ghost] the WAU has been expanding and making various forms of itself, and of humans, and that's also an element of the fisting that starts out as a fingering and can end with having to leave part of yourself in WAU's core if you have completed the choice to corrupt & destroy it, that Connection and Interfacing is required, with increasing [get it in there] required as well though there's no given clear in universe reason why (w/my theory here being: just the Themes of the increasing interaction / reducing Boundary)

where was i going with this. idk naturally there's people like "well you don't have to see the wau as evil or at least required to be destroyed" like yeah one can imagine the case for that, wherein again this one guy's hypothetically mad abt like oh it can't be Us it's making, like, brother in christ You are here as You are b/c of what wau did, if you don't think You're legitimate enough, how can you be dead set on pursuing any decision you make. but also the lack of autonomy wherein wau has (probably? again would have to rewatch) killed people to transfer them to a less fragile soma, but a) also maybe it's just acted when people were already dying / killed from other causes, and naturally there's the Everyone There Doomed To Die Fairly Imminently factor and b) that [wau's neutral / purely soma no psyche (or is it. etc)] aspect that is that classic mixup of wau just acting on its programming in a way unintended by its programmers re protecting life and c) i think WAU can sure be interpreted as a parallel counterpart to the ark project, where people agreed to the latter, & get to chill with simulated bodies in a simulated world, versus the WAU being that [body, world, realm of physical existence] which is funky & Not like a cool nice recreation of the usual world & is also at the bottom of the ocean, but it's sure trying to extend the existence of ppl's psyches by shoving them into whatever robots or slapping together parts or propping up their original body or what all, i don't remember that many of the characters encountered

Anyways Back To Catherine For Real. i'd forgotten this element completely, but that when catherine finds out her original self had been killed by crewmates (lol. amongst) for being set on carrying out the plan for the ark, Her Project, (i.e. launching it into space (risking that launch going incorrectly) vs keeping it on site at the bottom of the ocean here (theoretically less risky, according to at least the crewmate who killed her about her insisting on launching it anyways)) and catherine's copy / now alternate self comments on being like, a bit disappointed And surprised b/c like she says "i knew they didn't like me, but," like not thinking that dislike would lead to a semi accidental killing her (where apparently the guy who killed her may have been wearing the like powered diving suit w/the extra Strength to operate in the water pressure, like oh didn't mean to hit her That hard. in a different soma already) and seeing other ppl (not in universe) commenting on how it sure did seem to be culmination of like "the way others treated her" and how catherine always mentioned like, never having really had friends including as a crewmate here, being an Introvert....in fact, now i'm remembering that catherine doesn't even say "i knew they didn't like me, but" but rather something very close to "i know i'm not easy to like, but" like, aaaugh....like, as ever, a character or a Real Life Person sharing any particular info like "i'm [xyz]" Isn't Required for just trying to always not be ableist and to always treat other people as people even if they don't "just be normal" correctly enough, supposedly. rather than [what is "just being normal" is Correct & Good and you do Not need to undergo a continuous lifelong journey of in fact questioning this & navigating & learning how to communicate & interact & relate, you just need to fleetingly muster some superficial unhelpful Bonus efforts sometimes when you encounter the rare "exception" like someone who hands you their License To Autiste and you can let them keep their fidget cube and continue treating everyone you encounter ever organic aba style]....like, naturally in the game there's no twist where catherine turns out to be Evil or even antagonistic. she's like, patient, encouraging, friendly, helpful all throughout. she's also, ofc, simon's only guide (adding to the suspense of that [my god. my only guide was evil, and/or just my antagonist now anyways]) so he doesn't really get to pick someone he'd Like more. but that like, lifelong matter of why catherine doesn't Get to have had friends. that even as this professional associate she's treated differently, and worse, b/c you have to personally like someone & find them charming & je ne sais quoissy to Not be worse to them? it's fine to be shitty until catherine can, say, say "i've noticed you're being kind of shitty. it's probably b/c i'm autistic, officially, which i'm choosing to share with you & am now presenting my license about it, so maybe be cool about it" and then and only then go "oh ok" and Make The Exception rather than shifting your entire shitty Rule (they also would not actually really make the exception. "shoutout" too to the concept that, of course, it's actually Disrespectful to stop hating autistic ppl b/c you should treat them The Same as anyone else, and you're bringing that organic ABA all the time as part of your "just be normal" ethos life, so be sure to keep being an asshole to them & double empathy probleming putting all the depletion, extraction, punishment, losses, harms on them and all the rewards on yourself)

and like, catherine being killed b/c she was this Body who was going to take away the ark (her project / creation, which she was also just insisting on following what'd always been the plan for) wherein like, even if this guy didn't mean to kill her, he sure did after lashing out at her, same as happens w/simon in the end....and catherine also failing to be thee most "normal/default" version of a person as well by being a Woman, and probably not white either, and, of course, a nonwhite woman, also making her that much more vulnerable to being Out Of Line(tm) by just like, existing as a person & trying to do her shit, though misogyny, racism, orientalism or the like isn't explicitly invoked or especially implicitly hinted at that hard either, but it's like, how does this [scifi magical realism set in the not That distant future but material made in the way less distant past, i.e. all intents & purposes modern / current day of: in the 2010s] have Relevance beyond "would that be fucked up or what" type Invention that doesn't map on to our experiences at all....you don't Have to read into catherine twice being killed by a man who's lashing out b/c she's not delivering what he wants, but you sure don't Have to Not and be like "this is definitely No Misogyny world" like they're still being implicitly ableist b/c she's just not deemed Winsomely Likable enough, she's internalized that with that "i'm not easy to like" framing, why assume a premise of [misogyny is over] [racism is over] etc. whilest soma doesn't really proffer any scenario of like "oh if it weren't for our being able to perceive our designated Physical Differences in our human bodies, all that oppression would be over," that's not being explored even in the specific situation of its plot in the first place; people on the ark seem to have the simulation of the same bodies they originally did, ppl Can retain like, how they'd move, their voices, their sense of their bodies: elements of their physicality. and, you know, whether one even supposes there Is any meaningful body/mind division, though in soma it Is this premise like oh yeah we can digitize your psyche perfectly okay, such that your copy would experience no disruption in that Sense Of Selfness, which is what makes everything particularly like, whoah, and [wow this is just like soma] whenever something kind of invokes similar enough What Ifs but probably less engagingly lol....while also soma is flexible and spacious in letting you interpret shit, you Can defer from fisting wau to death, you don't have to be like "it's so true. thee horrors" abt the Copies Of Selves, who really just become Others to whatever now-other versions of that person, i.e. how catherine, who, as the person who wanted to scan copies of ppl's psyches & put them in a just chilling simulation server launched into space for the Chance of being copy/pasted elsewhere eventually and the chance for the participants to Exist in some form Now, and who did so, is never like, shocked or freaked out by the notion / reality of these copies' existence even though she didn't set out figuring any scans' uploads would end up on the ocean floor stations, she's not aghast & distressed in the end when after having uploaded her latest Self data to the ark & launched it, she's also Not on the ark and Still in the eventually / doomed ocean floor station, even if it's a bummer, b/c she has already just accepted That's How It Works....this [her] was not going to experience being Transferred, like she's Been saying, like she again tells simon while he's blowing up abt [why wasn't i transferred]....just clearly being an example of like, not everyone is like horrified and freaked out and like "that's fake &/or wrong" and you don't have to decide she's incorrect for being Like That, i.e. like, yep, this is the situation, i know there's the me who was killed and the me on the ark and the me here, and i know also we're also for intents and purposes separate people

all that is to say, like, yeah the Scifi What If specific [you can copy/paste your consciousness into a different soma] is there, but also you can be looking at it as just this like, pushing to thee limit of the Self(tm) and the Other(tm) insofar as imagining yourself, as the only Internality / Mind / Selfhood you have access to, as The One True Real Self and all Others as mere somas/bodies, whether you take that to as dehumanizing an extreme as you can or you just put some double standards on Others / treat them as lesser/less Real, or oh but just Sometimes, in Some Cases, which is fine and relevant to anything, rather than what's fine and relevant being to always be aware that everyone's Otherness is a matter of perspective, you're the Other to everyone else, everyone is just as The Self as everyone else, You Could Be That Other, that other Is [you] to themself, you are the "that could be you" to them....with soma, it can just be elevated to "that Other WAS you from 0.5 mmsec ago, and continues to be them, b/c they didn't experience any disruption in their existence, though now you're both in different situations of: different locations, different bodies, the awareness there's that Other Self over there now, possibly the difference of killing that self you were just copied from so you can go on feeling like the One Real Self"....but wherein like, that's just like, [What If: you Were able to wholly & accurately Know the self inside an Other? b/c it's you from 5 min ago] of like, scenarios like [what if you time traveled 5 min into the past] except wherein that case there's usually the efforts to Resolve(tm) the timeline of that One True Self one way or another, ultimately. or is there. obviously who's positing that soma is the only material to be About the "whoa lol. me as an other" concept made scifily literal or anything

anyways that like, it creates that situation wherein one Can point & go "literally literally me" but also simultaneously one Can go "that's Not literally me arrrgh" or "that's also Not literally me, matter of factly"....simon's wrangling with the Othering of his One True Self, but he can also Know, should he choose to shift to that perspective, that all the Others who aren't alternate copies of him are all Another True Selves, An Other True Self even, though ofc as per the nature of not having a collective consciousness, he Doesn't Know the accurate whole of their psyches b/c he was not ever [literally them], but he doesn't need to to know they're just as [a whole psyche in there] as his own have been. original catherine with her fellow original crewmates being othered enough by them for the dehumanization of treating her worse, her being isolated, that indeed her being killed doesn't feel separate from all that by her or by anyone else, just an escalated extreme final fatal manifestation of it, b/c nobody ever liked her in the first place and then she became a (psyche Piloting a) body getting in the way of what one guy with amplified strength at that moment wanted from the project she made to let others' psyches keep existing in some way, which was deemed valuable enough by that guy to want to commandeer it and keep it at the bottom of the ocean versus risk a launch, regardless of how you the player think of the idea

and thinking of the way you can like, effectively befriend that boxy underwater little propellered Regular Simple Robot Helper that follows you around at some point, that is, of course it can't talk to you, it's definitely Just(tm) this not-ever-a-version of a human robot for practical tasks (dyspeptical tasks, clerical tasks, hysterical tasks) and like, imagine Its interiority, get invested, try to protect it, humanize it regardless....whereas with actual humans, and their psyches in a microchip, you can kill them for not perfectly delivering whatever you wanted even when that's not what other humans ever exist to do. then simon loses the Company he still could've Gotten From catherine, [guy who killed original catherine] didn't succeed in keeping the ark unlaunched, b/c that's what you go and do....but really just thinking of that Thread that feels so extremely relevant of like, catherine copy being simon's only option sure and working With him on this mission until we stay with the edition of him who realizes it didn't lead to his escape onto the ark, i.e. always being in relation to him in a manner of a direct practical teamup & a [take it or leave it] sole option for that anyways....but that in her original, human-bodied life, she was always "oh only a little bit" dehumanized by everyone such that she is very much aware of the way that's defined & limited her life, never had friends, i know i'm difficult to like; until that dehumanization escalated to the extreme of trying to hit her to stop her from seeing her project through, and just happening to kill her, and the fact that this seems to no one just a coincidental whoopsie of a fate just entirely disconnected from the way others always saw her and treated her as this Other among others, while other [psyche/soma]s of others who are clearly not Your Self get to have friends and not be isolated and feel hard to like forever and end up killed by coworkers

tl;dr like love a text just inviting plenty of interpretations and lenses and perspectives, ofc gonna look at it like whoa it's anarchy in there (political cats sense) where are the borders where you are thee self above thee other....soma providing that thinnest boundary of like, yeah that mf over there? there but for the [being in a different body, in a different place, with 7 seconds of negligibly different life experience] go ye. but also the usual boundary of "that person is in a different body in a different place with a different whole life but you're [that] to them and they're just as much a person and a self and an other as you are" like catherine center of the game to me

(* just remembered i had these asterisks: sure enjoying how the premise of amnesia games effectively creates Alternate Selves b/w the protagonist's present self, with however much missing time, and past selves whose goings on are completely relevant to the in media res situation you're also tackling while obtaining pieces of that past to priovide further context/info, and how this premise manifests for different stories each time; you've even got oswald like physically divided into Two Selves in a:amfp, though iirc it's not like, psychically equivalent, kinda "regular oswald & nefarious destroy the world duplicitous oswald" lmao, classic....uhh and shoutout to penumbra being similar ish in that the protagonist's story isn't want's relevant, he's trying to find out what happened to his dad and more broadly the like underground pocket world he enters for those answers? iirc....but that soma shares that amnemonic premise of [intro] [suddenly like ???] [having to navigate your present mission & figure out the past & your Missing time] but like, thee respective Lores don't overlap really, soma obviously starts present day and takes an even more obvious leap into a future / completely different location, rather than amnesia games being set in the past with missing time of like, idk months? to even just days, uhh supposedly like [forever] in justine but that's like, i dunno sure lol, the peak mysterious / withheld protagonist really, on purpose. while naturally there's also the fact that, technically, this simon we are following at the start of the game did not actually forget anything, and that's a fun distinction despite that it otherwise initially seems like the same [amnesia] premise....and that he did kind of ""forget"" things in that original simon lived however much longer before dying, that his scan then ofc didn't retroactively include. so once again it's like, well, in amnesia ppl have likewise kind of rewound to a Past Self before the missing [crucial context to your in media res misadventure] time, w/daniel (and justine) even doing this On Purpose, though as is the nature of the amnesia series, everyone regains enough of that missing info about their goings on anyways, though you the player are Not in a story of like "wow they did Exactly the same thing again and ended up in the same place anyways" and Do get to kinda choose who they are / indeed end up with some Alternate Self, potentially, despite there being plenty of room wherein like, it's not precisely, granularly laid out Exactly Who They Are at any point anyways. only just now getting extra amnemonic lore that yes daniel got all fucked up on vitae rituals b/c that's just what happens! and people are fairly horny for it! always a possible interpretation that he was high on vitae (okay one proffered pronunciation of "curriculum vitae" (which i was like lord i feel like i've gone "what tf is that" about before but what tf is that. turns out it's what CV stands for as your specifically educational resumé) does say "vitae" would, in that case, rhyme with "nigh." other sources are listing like a million different combinations of a million different ways to pronounce each syllable. also they gotta say it a way in the game but i forget. daniel's VA apparently being some chemistry teacher? just like alchemy. not what the pope said to do, weird science, it's my creation....) anyways! the psyches diverge, the bodies don't, unless they do (oswald....uhh the guy in the bunker. lambert :( ) like catching up with The Self again, encountering extreme examples of Othering and Dehumanizing and [you are just like only a soma to me] with various means and ends of acting thusly to get xyz results

[yippeecahier]

I saw where you asked and-speak about their experience with top surgery without hormones and I wanted to share that I ALSO got top surgery before going on T.

I had been binding for about 10 years (two sports bras and then actual binders) and I was experiencing a lot of health issues from having breasts, so the fact that I was so sure that:

It was not the right time for hormones

A bigger priority was removing a source of pain and infection

My social and work lives were being affected by my body image and I was unable to bind for long enough to go to work AND have a social life after work

... all of this really helped me get the access I needed. Overall, it will help your case if you have more reasons than gender dysphoria for getting top surgery even if GD is the main issue for you. Something I told my surgeon and PCP (both of whom were very supportive of my choices) was "Even if I wake up tomorrow and decide this whole thing has been a farce and I'm actually a cishet woman now, I would still want them gone because of [giant list of reasons]."

To be completely honest, with all the issues I had, gender dysphoria wasn't even in the top 5 reasons I needed them gone. I think that helped my case tbh.

Anyways, I hope you get your surgery asap! I can't tell you what a difference it made for me literally overnight except that I woke up from surgery and went home feeling like everything finally made sense and I could start living my most authentic life.

All the best, bud. Please feel free to message me if you have other questions! I'll try my best to answer them.

Thank you so much!! Unfortunately, my breasts are very much average C cups, so they don't actually give me any problems re: pain/infection. I alternate between binders and sports bras (never doubling up and taking breaks on weekends when I'm alone), so that kind of helps with not being in perpetual pain, but doesn't help me prove a case where "even if I wake up tomorrow and decide this whole thing has been a farce and I'm actually a cishet woman now, I would still want them gone..."

The fact I've been perpetually waffling on surgery, too, doesn't help! I mean, sure, yeah, I've identified as trans for over 10 years off and on (mostly on) now, but part of why I covered my GD up was being cut off from all my friends and threatened with Christian all-girls boarding school after coming out. (I was even taken off my ADHD medications because my mom thought it was causing my gender dysphoria and I went with it because I was lirerally 14 and just wanted this to end, but it only aggravated my psych issues, which were further used against me getting any kind of gender confirmation and justifying me signing over my medical power of attorney at 18.) Additionally, after I got my wisdom teeth taken out over a year ago, something about this routine surgery got botched and I'm still numb in a quarter of my face and experience phantom pains. I'm not so sure now that I'm willing to risk that outcome with my chest, too. Part of me just thinks I'll just end up using binders off and on in perpetuity until I develop pain and infection enough to warrant surgery. I wish I was more upbeat about it, but I feel like I can't lie to you.

I reached out to and-speak because I saw their posts and it gave me one of those brief sparks of hope but alas, you caught me in the lull of reluctant acceptance of the situation I'm in.

[poisonmaximoff]

BELATED FATE (Elizabeth Olsen x FemReader).

The whole story: here.

Chapter 21. Accepting the fate

Y/n's POV:

I had to spend a whole night on a yacht in my cabin, thoroughly soaking my poor pillow, which was drowning out my endless stream of tears for several hours straight. Even my previous breakup didn't hurt me as much as spending five minutes with someone I wasn't even in a relationship with.

It's completely my fault. I allowed myself to succumb to the call of my heart, which longed for something unreachable for me, the woman who is beyond everything. I allowed myself to enjoy every minute spent with her as we shared small chuckles, big laughs and moments of comfortable silence.

The thought that I could fall in love with her that very moment when I saw her in the elevator that day and all this time deny the obvious fact, covering pure feelings with fleeting sympathy, doesn't give me any rest. Remembering me throwing unconscious glances in her direction, my rapid breathing next to her, the slightest feeling of envy towards Boyd, only makes me more convinced of my assumption. Only love can affect you like this.

Elizabeth Olsen captured my heart from the minute she walked into that ill-fated elevator and linked her gaze with mine, deliciously rolling my name on her tongue. Her special attitude towards me left no chance for my naive feelings not to find their home in a genuine attraction to the woman.

I could have explained to her right there why I made this choice, but my uncertainty that I could be with her for a few more minutes without surrendering to her embrace made me turn around and run away. Although I'm not as selfish asshole as I may seem.

I'm mature enough to respect her desire to remain private and to be ready to sacrifice our ability to be in an open relationship. But not along with the fact that she will be married to another person and I will have to be content with the role of paramour, even without the opportunity to have a proper life with her.

Elizabeth wants to live a double life, showing the public a fake image of an exemplary wife and being herself only with me. She is ready to lie to everyone including herself, her parents, husband and friends, she is ready to become a cheater by violating her own moral principles just to be able to periodically spend time with me. And I will never let her do this to her beautiful personality, turning it into a worthless piece of dirt because she didn't find enough strength to refuse one temptation.

It was probably one of the few times when my own fear saved me from a possible deep emotional wound. Although currently the pain almost tears me apart, creating a strong desire to simply cease to exist so as not to feel anything, I believe that in time I will be healed. Right now my only task is finding a safe way to do that.

I almost don't remember how the whole next day went, because I lived it as if in a fog, not fully perceiving the real world, wandering through my inner labyrinth from various thoughts. It even crossed my mind a couple of times that I should drop everything, quit the company and move away, but the fact that I have neither the skills nor the chances of getting an equally good job somewhere else immediately erased this desire. In addition to this, it would be difficult for me to leave my family and friends here and live in a strange city completely alone.

By the evening, I already began to come back to my senses and fully realize what was happening to me. Firstly, tomorrow I have to go to work again, because I don't want to let my parents down with my irresponsibility, and secondly, I understand that I won't be able to avoid Elizabeth for the rest of my life and now I have to figure out how to build at least normal business relations with her.

Once again wearing myself out with my thoughts, which has already become a habit since this woman appeared in my life, I finally allow my body and mind to fall asleep at around 2 a.m.

I don't think I've ever felt so exhausted and unwilling to do absolutely anything in my life. Sitting in my office and bringing what I think is my third cup of coffee today to my mouth, I replay in my head a dream that has tormented me all night.

Rich looking guests in expensive matching outfits have already gathered for the main event for many people here: Elizabeth and Boyd's wedding. The general excitement, laugher and happiness for the newlyweds are floating in the air, creating a magical festive atmosphere for everyone here except me.

Taking a seat next to my parents at the ceremony, I watch a couple in love up close as they make wedding vows to each other and a sickening feeling rises in my stomach along with tears in my eyes.

It should have been me putting the wedding ring on her finger. It should have been me who swears eternal love to her and gives her a loving kiss, getting the opportunity to call her my wife.

She never even looked at me, completely focusing her attention on her new husband, smiling at him with a sincere loving smile, while I still sit in my place without moving, swallowing a lump that came up to my throat, threatening to burst out strong sobs.

It should have been me.

I wonder if this is a sign or if it's just the tricks of my tired preoccupied mind because of what happened. Maybe I should've still gave us a chance despite all the difficulties? Although, considering that life sends them to us from the very beginning of our acquaintance, I'm more and more convinced that fate is categorically against us being together. And who am I to argue with it?

A knock on the door pulls me away from filling out some spreadsheet and I say "come in" loudly, allowing the person to enter the office.

"Y/n, hi," my red-haired colleague Cindy comes inside and greets me, leaving the door open. "It's already a break and I noticed that you're still sitting here, do you want to come down for lunch?" Wow, time goes incredibly fast today, because I didn't even notice that it was already 1 p.m.

"Yes, of course, give me a minute." Without hesitation, I agree and, having grabbed my bag, I leave the office with the girl going down to a small restaurant on the ground floor.

"You know what's funny?" Cindy probably didn't stop talking for a minute while I reluctantly picked my salad with a fork and listened to her silently.

"Tell me," I say half thoughtfully, staring down at my nearly untouched food, as I'm not in the mood to actively engage in conversation at the moment.

"Ms. Olsen stormed into my office today and ordered me to stop doing all my business, because she urgently needed some help." The talk suddenly became interesting for me and I curiously stared at the girl in anticipation of continuing.

"I don't know what's wrong with her, but she rushed around the building like a hurricane, issuing orders and getting angry at everyone who didn't complete their tasks on time. I've never seen her so mad, must be nerves 'cause of her wedding. I could barely keep up with her, what an experience!" This is not at all like the calm and methodical Ms. Olsen I know, but of course I'm going to keep silent about this.

"It's strange, she's not usually like that," I reply so as not to stir up anything extra and Cindy narrows her eyes slightly, putting another spoonful of soup into her mouth.

"How do you know what she usually is?" Oh shit, not these curious questions from colleagues, which always end up with all the employees finding out about it.

"Just helped her a couple of times, nothing more."

"Hm, okay. So...Are you invited to their wedding too? Since you seem pretty close to their social circle and people say it's going to be really grand. Rumors are spreading at the speed of light!" Thank you for an amazing topic of conversation, dear, I dreamed of discussing this all day and night.

"I don't know yet and I don't really care about someone's personal lives," I calmly reply, doing my best to hide the fact that I actually care too much.

"You're a weirdo, Y/n." No, I'm just in love with our boss.

"Anything is possible," I smile at the girl as I continue to eat my meal.

"By the way, she was asking about you today." I almost choked on a leaf of lettuce, hearing that Elizabeth was interested in me. "You're supposed to give her some materials for the upcoming board of directors." Shit, they're, of course, ready and I did everything that was necessary, but to intersect with her once again is not what I would like to face.

"Oh, can you give them to her, please? I don't see her often and she's constantly absent from her office, I never know where she can be found," the first dumb excuse that came across my brain makes my colleague raise one eyebrow.

"Unfortunately, she instructed me to go to the other end of city for new contracts after dinner, but another time I would certainly to that," she smiles and I'm disappointed knowing that meeting sparkling green eyes is inevitable. "The last time I saw her she was in the conference room preparing for the presentation, look for her there."

Taking a deep breath while standing in front of the door with a couple of folders and a flash drive in my hands, I squeeze out the last of my strength to finally go there. Should I just throw everything on the table and run away or maybe ask the cleaning lady to do it for me? Fuck, Y/n, you're as nervous as if you've been called to the police station for suspected treason. Get it together, you're not the miserable coward.

Leaning the knuckles of my right hand against the door and knocking on it a couple of times, I quietly open it and slowly enter the room, surprisingly not noticing a single soul there. Huh, I stood in the hallway like a fool for several minutes collecting my thoughts to face literally no one? Now this is embarrassing.

"Y/n?"

"Oh god!" I, jumping up from fright, drop everything that I had in my hands on the floor, creating a loud sound of things hitting the surface.

Turning behind me with bulging eyes and parted lips, I meet the tired gaze of a woman sitting on the desk. A suit jacket hanging on the back of a chair, the top buttons of a shirt casually unbuttoned, several empty cups on the table and slightly swollen reddish eyes tell me that Elizabeth has been here apparently since early morning. 

"I brought everything I needed to do," I say without even greeting her and glance at the paperwork strewn across the floor, kneeling down to gather it up. Hearing the soft clicking of heels approaching me, I hesitate to raise my head to her, knowing full well that even a few seconds of eye contact with her have too powerful effect on me.

She repeats my action and also goes down on one knee to help me put all the papers in place, seeing how my hands disobey me, clumsily dropping everything back to the floor. These couple of minutes of silence in being this close to her seem like an actual torture to me, threatening my nerves to break like thin strings of a harp.

Having coped with the task, I rise to my feet and she imitates my action again, continuing to stand motionless near me with her head turned to my side, which I see with peripheral vision. Glancing at her for a couple of seconds and noticing how she carefully examines almost every inch of my face, I awkwardly clear my throat and head to the large table to put my stuff on it.

"Will you stay to help me with the presentation?" A hesitant voice behind me asked, almost making me to instantly agree.

"You're just trying to spend some time with me, aren't you?" I understand perfectly well that this was just another excuse.

"I am. Is this a bad thing?" She asks almost disappointedly and I still don't even dare to turn to her, afraid that my self-control will let me down once again and I will throw myself into her arms.

"Yes, Elizabeth, it's a bad thing." I still decide to turn around and again face her gentle look, in which even after everything that happened, I don't find any resentment and anger at me. "We shouldn't be spending any more time together," I hate saying it out loud and being the person trying to push her away once again.

"Is this your final decision?" She looks at me with a hint of hope and bites her lower lip in anticipation of an answer, riveting my attention to this for a couple of seconds, but my cold mind throws me back to reality.

"I'm tired of making decisions, El. Don't you understand yourself the situation we're in?" I try to open her eyes to all the problems that await us if we succumb to weakness, because it seems that she only pays attention to what is happening here and now, completely forgetting about the future.

"In what situation, Y/n?" She takes a couple of steps towards me. "It's not my fault, that I fell in love with you," my breath hitches, "and I know you feel the same way. Why are you so resistant to it?" Her words don't sound like a claim or demand, it's just a normal question of a blinded person who doesn't understand anything. I never thought that I would ever be more mature than her, having to explain her such things and the fact that she doesn't see anything past the end of her nose, refusing to put herself in my place, starts to make me a little mad.

"How do you think I'll feel knowing that you belong to someone else and that I'll never be able to have you just for myself, forever being a second choice?" My tone is a mixture of disappointment in her selfishness and pain at the realization of the veracity of my words.

"But I don't love him, Y/n! How can you not understand that you will always be more important for me than everyone else?"

I can't believe how desperately she wants everything to happen in her own way. "If it were true, Elizabeth, you would prove it with more than empty words, end of the story." She averts her eyes somewhere to the side, digging her nails into the tender palms of her hands, and I stand there  clenching my jaw because of the surging emotions, thinking about whether I took it too far.

Not receiving an answer, I decide to continue: "I sincerely wish you all the best, you deserve so much more than hiding and sneaking out with a girl who can't give you anything." My hand involuntarily finds its place on her cheek and she leans into my touch, laying her own palm on top of mine and looking at me with big shiny eyes.

"If you're truly in love with me, please, give me a chance to be happy too." I look at her pleadingly, trying to convey through my eyes how sorry I am and how much I wish things had happened differently. She just silently nods to me, removing my hand from her face and leaves a gentle kiss on my palm, humbly accepting my words, allowing me to calmly leave the spacious room with my back turned to her.

A/n: please be patient with my blah blah blah a little longer and i'll give ya what you want 😁

[memes-saved-me]

Billy Hargrove and implied Queerness

First off this is focusing on his scenes without Steve because we've all seen those and....they're pretty homoerotic to say the least so I will be bringing your attention to the other factors which lead people to believe Billy is gay or interested in men and not so much women. This isn't very indepth but more surface level observations I've made and seen others make.

(TW: Homophobia and slurs discussed)

Season 2

The first scene we get of Billy he is instantly sexualised by those around him. Tina and Vicki taking interest in him based on his looks while Carol watches on rather unamused. This sets a trend for his character and his relationship with his looks and body, but more importantly how he uses it to his own advantage. Of course this was done to play into the 80s bad boy who all the high school girls fall for but what I'll explain later makes it much more interesting.

The next we see of Billy is with Max on their way home. During this scene he insults the looks of the high school girls, referring to them as cows. We then get a very interesting line "Yeah, we're stuck here and who's fault is that?" Which Max replies to with "Yours."

A response that instantly angers Billy to the point he demands she take responsibility for moving to Hawkins. A topic that has clearly been discussed before because Max's reaction implies this has happened before if not multiple times.

In Runaway Max, which isn't confirmed canon and contradicts a lot of stuff but, we are told that the reason they moved was because Billy was completely off the rails to the point he broke her friends arm. Now. Does that make sense in blaming who's fault the move was? If this is the case it is obviously Billy's fault so why does he keep saying it was her who caused this? She clearly liked being in California so why would she do something to make them move. Unless it was unintentional...

This heavily implies that there is an unspoken incident which involves them both. An incident which triggers such anger and recklessness in Billy to the point he almost runs over Mike, Lucas and Dustin because Max wouldn't say it was her fault. Many have then filled in this gap with Max accidentally telling either Neil or Susan about Billy and another boy, which would make sense with the information or lack of information we are given in canon about the reason they moved.

While at Tina's Halloween party we do not see Billy interact with a single girl. He is seen with Tommy and another boy who then approach Steve with him. It would make sense for girls to be drooling over him in this moment, trying to dance with him or following him inside but no. He makes a beeline for Steve and we do not see him for the rest of the party.

Now, I don't know about you but have you ever seen a teenage boy look less interested in his date? Not only is he not interacting with verbally but also physically. He then gets angry when she calls Max his sister and they drive off without a word. It's implied he is taking her home as he they were waiting for Max, meaning he was probably going to hook up with her but if he was wouldn't he act just a little nicer towards her?

I mentioned before that he is the archetype for 80s bad boy and the girls sure are falling, he just isn't catching them. This is the only time we see him interact with a women his age in a romantic way. If you could call this romantic at all.

When in trouble for letting Max run off while watching her, his response is that he doesn't have the time to go looking for her because he has a date, a date we never see or get the name of, this prompts his father to say the line "So that's why you've been staring at yourself in the mirror like some faggot..."

A line that then prompts Billy to snap and argue back after clearly wanting to get out of this situation as fast and smoothly as possible. Where else have we seen anger brought on by a topic? That's right in the car with Max. There is a trend of Billy reacting with anger to conversations or comments he finds personal or as some sort of attack. This is also when Neil becomes fully angry with Billy as seen in his rather shocked reaction at his response to that line.

This also continues the trend of Billy caring about his looks and using them as a shield of sorts, a shield that doesn't work against his father but everyone else he encounters.

Something to keep in mind, Billy is the only character to be called a homophobic slur by a parental figure other than Will. The character he mirrors in multiple ways including having the same full name William, as well as Will being heavily implied as gay or queer. Both of their father's use homophobic language against them, unlike any of the other characters in the show.

The next we see of him after the incident with Neil is also when we see him interacting with another women in a romantic sense. Karen. This is where his use of his looks and body fully come into play. He uses these assets to get information and affection out of Karen to make his father happy and avoid further punishment.

Now this is my own interpretation but Billy is used to using his body for positive attention and doesn't get that any other way. At no point in the series is he treated like a person other than in S3 by Max and Max only. Everyone else views him in an objectified manner or as a bad guy to avoid.

There is a clear resemblance between Karen and Billy's mother which I'll further discuss in the season 3 section but this leads me to believe he is subconsciously or even consciously wanting positive attention from a motherly figure, he just doesn't know any other way to achieve that.

However, it is very clear that flirting with Karen was an act as seen by the quite jarring juxtaposition of these two frames. The mask fully gone once by himself again. Meaning the only time we see him flirt with a women it isn't genuine at all.

Season 3

Now, continuing off the last point, there is countless girls practically drooling over Billy at the pool but he only accepts this attention from Karen. This exemplifies my theory that he doesn't know how to gain positive affection other than through flirting and well sex, but he only wants this attention from an older women who resembles his mother. Except, again he doesn't know any other way of gaining it. He hasn't had a strong positive female influence in his life since he was 10 years old and by the looks of it every motherly figure has treated him as eye candy and not a teenager crying for help.

He has Heather who is very much his age and flirts with him. Yet, he acts as if she isn't even there and goes straight over to Karen to flirt. The way he acts with Karen should be the way he would act with girls his age, flirting and making advances but we do not see a single example of this.

This part I find extremely interesting because it perfectly mirrors his interaction with Karen in season 2, except instead of dropping the mask he puts it on. The way he looks to his right as if she is sitting there as he practices what he is going to say to her is a clear example of his act coming into play as he prepares to meet up with her. His expression very similar to when he leaves the Wheeler home but it shifts to practice the way he is planning on talking to Karen. A complete reversal from their scene in season 2.

A rather reaching piece of symbolism could be that this also mirrors the way Neil cuts off Billy's date in season 2 as the Mindflayer is a literal representation of him being controlled by his father.

I also find it very interesting that he chooses to flirt with Karen very publicly and this might be reading a little too into it but it comes off as trying to uphold some sort of image. Another example of this is Max saying she hears Billy with girls in his room, something that sure is something he would do but when you put this with everything in this post it also comes off as him trying to prove something.

Another thing I find interesting is the way he acts around Karen, all smiles and friendly is very similar to that of the way he acts at dinner with Heather's parents. An act put on by the Mindflayer, just as he does when flirting with Karen. A mask used for underlying means and not what it shows on the surface.

Conclusion

This is all just my observation and he is not canonically gay or queer but the way he acts around women compared to Steve is a very interesting aspect to his character. If they truly intended for him to be this bad boy ladies man then they failed at presenting that.

One final thing, which I have posted about before is the fact Billy does not use homophobic language towards anyone. Even Steve does in season 1 so it would make sense for a teenage boy trying to upstage another teenage boy to use slurs and such to belittle and bully him. Except he doesn't.

I could write a full dissertation on Billy's implied queerness but a unorganised Tumblr post will have to do. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

>If someone is talking about "feeling like a man" and starts talking about gender roles then they have a very misunderstood understanding of what trans means.

Yeah, exactly this! I've met individuals, for whom it was either a stereotype image of a man, or that they didn't feel like conforming to the stereotype woman's gender role, or felt like the existing "understanding" of what is a woman (soft, caring, pliant, "wife and mother", "man's helper", you name it) doesn't really apply to them and thus they are a man, especially since men are allowed a bit more diversity. I have no way of knowing if that was a misunderstanding or they indeed were trans and just couldn't describe it, but I think, at least part of those cases indeed were rooted in misogyny and sexism. Seeing transwomen, for whom (at least it followed from what they said) being a woman meant basically following the existing stereotypes and liking the "stereotypically female" things didn't help my case either (again, I have no way to know though, if those individuals had a misunderstood understanding of trans or couldn't describe it). I have to admit, that at some point that was what made me think that radfems had a point, because, as it looked to me, I had to either agree that trans indeed was about the gender stereotypes (which I never liked and transitioning just because one didn't like those stereotypes also didn't make sense to me) and that also left me with a question, wtf am I (since I'm not exactly traditional role conforming lol) or agree with radfems. The radfems' rhetoric stopped making sense to me on its own, though, and now that I have a better understanding of transgender, it's really a relief. It might sound silly, but for me, the understanding makes me feel more comfortable with transgender people (I'm sorry if that sounds rude), and also it means that I don't have to chose between transgender rights and women's rights and it's possible to be allies and help each other where we can.

I'm glad it helped clear things up for you. And it's actually a natural reaction to understanding things. When we understand something we accept it a lot better. When we don't understand something it's a LOT harder to accept it.

Another thing is that often times there is more gray then there is black and white. It's never really "what side are you on" because most people fall in the middle somewhere. Most issues fall into a gray area, and can't be divided into one or the other. Something which a lot of people don't seem to understand either.

I think a big thing too, if someone medically transitions and is happy but described being trans using gender roles-- then they probably just couldn't explain it properly with the words they had. Cuz a women who transitions into a man strictly because of gender roles WILL quickly realize she doesn't like the results. She'll end up having the same dysphoria trans people experience and she'll want to reverse the medical transition (usually these people will realize it quickly and can stop sooner rather than later). It's part of the reason why starting to medically transition can take so long (that and the medical field kinda sucks sometimes). But if he's happy as a man, then he's a man. And it's good he figured himself out.

It's just that overall, it can be difficult to describe what it feels like/means to be trans. Sometimes its easier to talk about gender roles because everyone is heavily affected by them, but being trans is about the actual physical characteristics of the body not gender roles. It's also very much internal, without any external factors contributing to it (tho outside factors can trigger gender dysphoria and make it manifest in different ways).

[sundancetarot]

“Red Lights and a Suit” Kirishima x ENBY Reader // SFW COMFORT FIC

Hey Guys!! This is my first fic- I quite literally wrote it for my partner but if you want some of that comfort Kiri love, THEN COME GET YA’LL JUICE LMAOO

Description: After recieving news at school pertaining to a school dance, Kiri helps lift your spirits.

Pairing: Non-Binary reader x Eijiro Kirishima

Word Count: 2279

Includes: Loving relationship, affection, pet names, hugs, and appreciation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Grab my hand and keep your eyes closed tight, I don't want the surprised spoiled!".

Hesitantly, you grab a shaken Eiji as he steers your blind eye somewhere you've never experienced but, it feels familiar... somehow, but how? Two steps turned into four, four into six, six into nine, and so on.

"Okay- one more step... watch out for the step.. another... a third- OKAY! Open.".

You want to see wants behind these hands but your brain is having trouble communicating with your bones. You're not nervous but... envious, in ways. Finally, after your self-to-self speech, your hands lower to come in contact with a foggy image of-

{BEEEEEP}

"SHIT-" That was all that could leave your lips... well, there was also FUCK, DAMN, ASS, and your personal "I've been awakened into a frightened state" favorite- CUNT!

You turn over to your phone to finally shut off the constant ringing of your most recent anime binge watch's opening credits song- not your favorite- your most recent.

After, the all too familiar urge of procrastination, you finally manage to shut off the CORRECT alarm this time. Even so, shutting off an alarm has never had many benefits besides reducing the antagonizing screech of above the volume music... however, until now, you have never been greeted by a sleeping Kirishima on your screen behind the alarm window.

That's right... we fell asleep on Facetime together.

You're not surprised that eventually, you'd have these moments- you find the idea of him next to you somewhat comforting.

His blood red-like hair falling onto his pillow has always been a pretty sight to you. His pointed teeth exposed to you, no one knows what he dreams, as he tends to forget but- the way he smiles, even in sleep... No, especially in his sleep, is behind adorable.

You could see from the angle of the phone he had his red LED lights on the highest setting, (typical, was your immediate thought), he has self-drawn art of him in his Red Riot costume with "MANLY" written in comically large lettering under, above, or to the sides of each portrait, this is too cute.

Eiji mentioned last night that he sleeps without a shirt on, he decided to give you this information the moment you started to dose off. Fortunately, waking up before him grants you the pleasure of finally witnessing his rock-hard exterior (I'm so sorry.).

{BEEEEEEEEEP}

"CUNT-" told you. Once again you mistake snooze for the off option. You pick your phone up off the carpet, after launching it several feet in the air. Luckily, your side of the facetime's audio is off and Eiji didn't hear the exaggerated explosion of sounds.

Picking your phone up off the ground which was disconnected from your charger immediately, makes your gut sink deep into your ass, your brain catches up to what you're seeing and pushes your body to practically fly into the bathroom seeing as you only have 40 minutes to get ready now.

That seems like plenty of time if you would have actually showered the night before. Rushing back into your room for your towel, you place Kiri on the sink's counter.

Starting up the shower was a difficult task when you're removing your clothes at the same time, you eventually set it to the right temperature and successfully remove your oversized hoodie with boxer briefs underneath with ease.

After washing your body, you manage to carefully launch yourself back into your room to moisturize and get dressed- you place Kiri on your dresser with a view of you after putting on your underwear.

"Well- aren't you glowing Bubbles?". That humbled cockiness in a person's tone can only come from one person and only this person can make you jump out of your skin in excitement. You turn to face him putting on his shirt because, unlike you, he takes a shower the night before to avoid a rush.

"fuc- don't scare me like that Red!". You definitely miscalculated the emotion there because that was NOT fear, it was a sentiment of emotions on how what he said made you feel inside. Nearly dropping to your knees you tighten up your composure and continue with your routine.

"Sorry babes, you do look unbelievable this morning though." Blushing was definitely out of the question, ain't nothing burning through that melanin babes. Instead, your stomach burns in butterflies as you muster up the words...

"You missed a button on your shirt, Red.". Cool, that was cool.

No, it wasn't.

You can see he wants to make another remark but you notice the new arrangement of numbers on your clock.

[7:27 AM]

Eiji notices your expressions and the faster tempo in your steps as you go from rushing to being quicker than the speed of light. As you reach the door you hear Kiri clear his throat in a way to tell you about the one thing you forgot... HIM! Nearly, slipping under your bed you grab your phone in one swift motion and bolt downstairs.

You don't have time to eat the breakfast your parents teamed up to make so you grab toast and a Capri Sun, hug your parents, pet Rubble; your St. Benard, and bolt for the door.

You hear Kiri's radio in his car blare indistinctive lyrics from his favorite genre "Rock-N-Roll" (I'm so sorry.). You finally start to make your way to school where you pass the place you and Kiri had your first date.

As you ponder the thought of the first time you ever saw him cry, the moment you saw him smile, and the day he said he's his happiest with you casts an unbreakable spell around you. A spell you would never want an antidote for.

After a handful of minutes, you pull into the parking lot across the street from the UA entrance and began the new day. You walk past your classmates greeted with the usual "Hey, Y/N!". From Shoji, "HEY KISSES!". From the always bubbly Uraraka, "Alright boo, heyyy- AH, mwah!" from your favorite person in this school (besides Red of course) Mina.

Speaking of favorite people...

"Guess who?" A pair of hands appear over your eyes and an obviously forced high pitched voice lets you know exactly who it is.

"Hmm... Koda!"

"YE- wait, huh?" Kiri stands there confused arms unraveled from you. You turn with a gigantic smirk plastered across your face, eyes slanted, with defined smile lines signifying your humorous poke at him.

"Oh- haha, laugh out loud- super manly of you." You can hear his sarcasm bursting through his lips. You quickly place your arms around his waist giving him the tightest squeeze letting him know without words how much you miss him. Almost as if without any effort, he grabs you and lifts you into the air, wrapping your legs around him you give him an even tighter hug.

This day, like most, was pretty uneventful so, you zone out... as usual. When you finally come to, you find yourself wrapped around Ojiro's tail, who doesn't mind the immense affection. After your third class period, you meet up with your friends in the cafeteria.

Like any other day, you offer to pay for Uraraka who happily accepts; even when she has enough for a meal you still insist. I mean- why not? Kiri always has your bill.

[2:38 PM]

We finally reach last period and the class president Tenya, announces the school's annual Sadie Hawkins dance. [Brief Sadie Hawkins dance explanation: A dance in a tradition where the girl asks the boy out.]

"Well- what are Y/N and Eijiro going to do?" huh.

"How is Y/N going to ask out Eijiro- they're not a girl therefore how will they find a date to go?" Stupidity graced this one early but, embarrassment graced you immediately.

You couldn't form your words properly to explain or defend, you could only leave. Eiji tries to come after you but you signal him to stay there.

"You're such a douche you know that, right?" Kiri says dropping his almost permanent grin.

"LANGUAGE!" Iida screeches while flapping his limbs completely missing his faults.

[8:13 PM]

You sit in your room foolishly stumped by Iida's uncalled for questions. It doesn't make sense, honestly, you would never let Iida's "no thoughts, just speak" way of speech get to you.

You pause your binge of "Criminal Minds" to go down to the kitchen for a quick snack when you see a bright flare of red pass by your kitchen window wrapping around to the front of your house.

Your immediate thought is that this must be a police car making its way to a crime scene- being a hero in training gave you the instinct of potential bad around every corner. So, this was not a threat nor surprise to you.

{My Red Riot❤️ one (1) new message}

You were wondering where he's been all day. You haven't spoken to him all day, you even tried texting him, and you were left on read by red (I'm sorry once again.) with no response. You are curious as to what he has to say though.

{My Red Riot❤️ : Come outside.}

I won't say I'm nervous but I am definitely confused. I make my way to the front door and take a deep breath while turning the knob...

"Hey, Bubbles." standing there in a grey suit with a red tie, red handkerchief in the left chest pocket, maroon shoes accompanied by burgundy calf socks, and a rose pinned to his suit to top it all off next to his Jeep Wrangler with modified red headlights was your Red Riot.

"We don't need a school dance to strengthen our relationship when we have each other to look at and each other to embrace- I promise to never have this become a rocky relationship..."

You chuckle at the very thought-provoking joke. "... I love you Bubbles." How could anyone be so lucky? You can feel the tears forming already as he walks towards you.

Lifting your chin up to face him he asks you one question...

"Can I kiss you?". You meet his eyes, you feel equal.

"Yes- Of course, you can Red...". He lifts your face up higher and your lips meet he has just confirmed that you are equal- more than partners, but lovers.

You don't know where to put your arms, what to think, or what to feel but it doesn't matter. You feel safe, you feel protected, you are loved.

You pull apart from each other for a moment before getting another quick peck before a grin paints his face, it resembles The Cheshire Cat's smug grin. You don't know whether to be comforted or genuinely terrified by the devilish stare.

"Well- aren't ya gonna get dressed?"

"For?". What has he planned?

"For our Sadie Hawkins- Bubbles, DUH!"

"Oh- I mean, um, YES; of course! Our Sadie Hawkins!". You don't know what he's talking about but, You trust what he does. You rush back inside to my room... time to do the damn thing.

After a while of searching for combinations, You walked out the front door in a black turtleneck, burgundy blazer with black buttons and lining, matching dress pants, and black Doc Martens for footwear to a stunned Kiri.

"Wow- you look... stunning, Y/N." You haven't heard him say my name since we started dating, it's such a genuine feeling. Kiri pauses and rushes back to the car, in a hurry he returns with a small box... this isn't a- right?

Kiri falls to his knee and lifts up the box to a petunia corsage that he slides onto your wrist, completing your look. He picks you up and carries you towards the car door where he reaches out his right arm to open it and places you inside with his left.

The car ride is smooth, no bums in the road and if there were you didn't notice- you could only pay attention to Kiri's presence. You feel a breeze sweep your hand and look down to Red's hand comfortably resting on yours.

He's warm and his hand is incredibly soft definitely the opposite of his Unbreakable form. Being with him in this car feels almost sheltering to you, like a second home of love.

While you were off daydreaming, the car stopped in front of Kiri's house. Your door opens to fully red Kirishima, clearly embarrassed by his blush, you don't react to it much. A sharp feeling strikes your brain as soon as his hand gently grasps yours... you've lived this before.

"Grab my hand and keep your eyes closed tight, I don't want the surprised spoiled!".

Right- your quirk of future vision. It feels dreamlike but as soon as it's put into motion you can pinpoint everything that'll occur after the first stage, it helps with catching villains in the act of their crimes.

"Okay- one more step... watch out for the step.. another... a third- OKAY! Open.".

You let down our hands to a bundle of streamers, lights, and a painted canvas of you and Kiri with a message written on the bottom of it "RED RIOT'S REASON TO RIOT". You don't even give yourself time to process before leaping into his arms with a kiss, you both fall back onto his lawn where you spontaneously combust into laughter.

This night has been the greatest you've ever had- he knew your favorite movies to watch, shows to binge, and music to dance to the entire night. He knows you.

"I love you, Red."

"I love you, Bubbles."

⬇️PLAYLIST BASED ON FIC⬇️

[aala-13jellychocolate]

THEY NEVER KNOW (Chapter Nineteen)

This GIF is not mine……

Author’s note: This is my first time writing, so I hope you all will forgive my mistake and grammar too. I’m hoping for comments on my writing. Thank you…    

This story has taken little inspiration from Sehun web story “ Dokgo Rewind”.

I’m sorry, yesterday tumblr was not working, hence I couldn’t update sorry.

Summary, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven(M), Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen

-Sehun pov-

Things were out of my hand. On my way to find my brother's killer, and I caught up with Choi gang. How? Jinwoo trapped by Junsu.

Jinwoo on his way back to my place after accepting Wang's leader another letter for me. Junsu somehow manages to convince Woo-Shik(Choi gang leader.) that Jinwoo has stolen their new drugs package. And asshole brings 10 of his members to hurt Jinwoo. Taeyong has reached to help Jinwoo. And Yuna informs me. It won't be a big deal, but they were actually waiting for me, why? Y/n comes up. How? Junsu knows about My/Sehyun and her relationship. And he challenges Woo-Shik to win Y/n, to be specific for one night. And I've learned, asshole doesn't play by rules. The good thing about Jaehyun, he never touches women without their full consent. He flirts, intimate but never go too further. And I think Wang leader is also the same. While Woo-Shik already has many harassment and three molestation cases too. He is an authentic evil. Y/n need to stay protected, I'll do it. If I'm not wrong, if Woo-Shik cannot get hold on Y/n, he would try to go after Yuna. I have to make sure Yuna also have someone around all the time. Or I have to convince Y/n, and Yuna stays together most of the time. It will be easy to protect also save time and energy for me, Teayong and Jinwoo.

I cannot neglect, it would be challenging when jealousy is involved. Y/n is jealous of Yuna for some unknown reason. Or maybe because I was Sehyun for her, for a while, and another girl has my attention bothered her. And sensing Yuna's current loving behavior toward me, she is also the jealousy of my attention to Y/n. Did I mention I miss my brother again because I want to run away from this situation? If not, I DO MISS HIM LIKE HELL.

Back to the point, when Yuna called me about Jinwoo, Y/n saw demon through my eyes. I ask her to come with me, know a bit whatever I and my brother associated with, where unintentionally she is also involved. I was frightened. There will be a fight for sure, bloody too. I'm sure Y/n has never seen any fight. I hope after seeing she don't be fearful of me. It is the last thing I need after her hatred.

However, I was hoping to find anything on Jaehyun. Or something related to Wang leader. I sigh and suddenly notice Y/n was staring at me. I give her 'What' look.

"You know this car is a gift from my parents. I didn't say, but I love my car." I nod.

She huff and said, "Then DIRVE SLOW. If anything happens, small or big, I'll kill you." I have to admit. I'm fearful of her. I begin to drive slow; then we stay in silence.

I park her car far away from my place. We got down of the car, start walking toward my home. Y/N stop and ask, "The guys we are meeting killed Sehyun?" I can hear angry and agony in her voice. "I don't know, nothing is clear," I answer her truthfully.

"What's up with these people?"

I sigh, "Y/n, these people are connected." I smile and continue, "This gang leader may know about Sehyun case. No guarantee. We're here because they have Jinwoo." She nod.

I reassure her, "Y/n whatever occurs trust me, you will be safe. I won't let any harm to you, ever." She gives me a sarcastic chuckle, "I know. Let's go." I wasn't able to say anything. We started walking toward the meeting point. In the halfway, I hold her hand in mine. Before she starts her protest, I said, "You are my girlfriend. Please just follow the act." She is mad, she tries squeezes my hand, tightly to hurt me. I wanted to laugh. How should I tell her, her soft hand cannot hurt me? Her every and very small act make my heartbeat fast. She continues trying to hurt me as we walk. While I hold hand with affection.

We reach the destination and my luxuriate feeling dies, seeing Jinwoo in knees, near some black car, beaten. Taeyong continues protecting Yuna with the teaser, who was trying to touch her. My blood boils, if I wasn't holding Y/n hand, I would have attacks second I saw it.

Woo-Shik sees me from inside of his car. As he comes out, everyone gets alert. Taeyong and Yuna coming rush to me. I didn't utter a word. Yuna understands my silent question and tells me she is okay. Taeyong nod. Jinwoo gets up and walks toward me. I let go Y/n hand, look at her, and smile. She looks confused. I turn toward Jinwoo, reaching to him, I exams his body a bit. Taeyong comes and takes him where Y/n and Yuna was standing. He makes Jinwoo sit on the ground. Yuna sits beside him too. Taeyong was coming to help me, I silently tell him no with eye contact. He gets it. Y/n was chaotic.

I turn back to Woo-Shik, he comes closer along with his company and smirks while saying, "Sehyun, long time." He looks toward Y/n "You have an attractive girl, I have to admit." Shamelessly staring at her, "So, here is a deal. Give me your girl for a week and I will forgive you and your friends for my drugs." I keep calm with a blank face. I was aching to rip off his tongue for asking Y/n like property, however, my angry won't do any good. He looks here and there, and snickers, "I know, I said one night, but look at her. I need at least a week to completely know her." People behind him were silently smirking. Like dog waits for his owner to complete meat and pass reaming born of it.

I took a deep breath, firm and gentle voice I said, "If I say no?" Woo-Shik smirk, go to his car, sit on the car hood, and orders to fight. Now I smirk, they don't know what is going to happen once the fight starts.

-Y/N P.O.V-

You don't know why, but your heart was beating fast as something unpleasant will happen. And way the Sehun was driving, your fear was increasing. You don't have any will to die with a car accident, it made you scold Sehun a little.

When Sehun holds your hands, you feel annoyance. His hand hold was like Sehyun, only Sehun's hand skin was rough. Not wanting to go back again, there. You clutch his hand tightly, to show your irritation with his touch. He didn't even flinch. It didn't pester, it was playful maybe. You keep trying hard to hurt him while walking, like a child trying to build a card house when wind continuously blows.  

You feel the change in Sehun's hold. It was gentle but reserved. You look up and see where you are. Yuna comes stands next to you. She gives you one, unsmiling look. Sehun let go of your hand. Surprisingly, you feel the loss of warmth, you were enjoying it.

Everything was confusing for you, and when the guy in brown start talking, you felt nausea. You didn't know if he was talking about you or Yuna. You know the fight will start, you have heard about it a lot Sehun's fighting skill too. But you never thought it would be like this.

It was hard for you to keep track, whose hand was moving, whose leg was. But Sehun was able to. You were okay until you saw a baseball bat, chains, and things you cannot name. Soon you saw blood. Sehun takes something metal thing from someone's hand and punches on his chest, maybe near to his chest, you don't know, but he fell on the ground in the worst pain and scream. Then a guy with the twisted wrist falls near your leg. You couldn't move, he was crying in extreme pain. Taeyong, push him away from you, harshly.  Your eye widened, fear, hard to breathe, heartbeats faster, and numb. You can only see blood and scream and hitting noise. Everything makes you remember Sehyun, you image his scream while getting beaten. You can imagine his pain, screams, blood. He was killed mercilessly. You couldn't see anymore, your eye was blurred with tears. Before you can forget the real world and see more pain, Taeyoung stands in front of you, blocking sight. "Hey, look at me. It is okay." He keeps calling you. You may not able to see but you can hear everything, clearly. Your mind was imagining Sehyun, while it makes you remember Sehun. You try to ask Taeyoung to go and help  Sehun, he is outnumbered, but words didn't come out of your numb frame. Your heart breaks thinking something will happen to Sehun too. You will lose him too. You wanted to know why, what, and how are things happen, you were losing your small world.

You want to deny your feeling. You want to lose your memory and have a new start. A new world, where there is no pain of losing people you love. Your phone was vibrating in your jeans pocket. With your numb hand, you take it out. Myung was calling, you couldn't pick up knowing your surrounding and your lost voice. You got a few notification asking, 'where are you?' and 'call back.' You have no idea how long you been staring at your phone. You look up when Yuna call Sehun loudly. And he was coming toward you.

-Sehun pov-

It got over sooner then I thought. Woo-Shik sneaks out while I was busy with others. I want him that most, he was my answer key but next time. I had a small cut near my stomach and arm due to shape knuckles besides that I prefect. I called Taeyoung to drop them in the hospital. I'm not a killer however I can kill if I want. I kept two of them in condition to drive. After helping Taeyoung put people in the car carefully; finally, I turn toward Y/n. I didn't look at her during the whole fight, not wanting the distraction. She was standing still with tears. While Yuna helps Jinwoo to get up from the ground. Me and Taeyoung go to them, I asked, if they are okay or not. I order them to go to my place and do necessity, I will be there in a while.

Y/n was looking at me whole while with widen eyes. I stand in front of her, two-steps away. I didn't speak to her, keep looking at my friends walking away. When I ensure they are okay and no one else is there seeking at us. I called Y/n. She didn't utter a word, keep looking at me from up to down. "I'm not going to hurt you. Don't be scared of me. Please." She was still. With all my courage inside me, I hug her. I know, she doesn't like me touching her. But she was shocked. To my surprise, she hugs me back after a few seconds. I can feel her getting better in my arms, warm feeling pass to my blood. She is not afraid of me. I pull her closer, she didn't protest. After a while, she utter, "Are you okay?" I assure her, I'm fine. She goes out of the hug. I thought maybe we will be friendly for now, but no, "Don't think too much out of my concern. I was worried for Sehyun's brother, not you." My heartbreak with her words, but I smile with a nod. We stand silently, for a while until we both got control. She starts walking toward, my place. I look at her in confusion. Before I could ask, she speaks, "I don't want to stay alone. I will sleep in the Sehyun bed."  We silently reach to my place. She didn't utter a word went to my and Sehyun's room without looking at my friends, like she owns this place. Taeyoung and Yuna's face turns sour while Jinwoo was lying on my sofa. I clean up his treated his wounds properly. I took a detail of Woo-Shik, what he said when he cames and stuff. Ask Jinwoo to rest properly and avoiding to talk about Y/n which my other two friends wanted. I clean up my wound while Taeyoung sets up a bed for everyone.

I went to my room, to change my clothes. Y/n seems to use my bathroom without asking. She was wearing my brother's hoodies and my sweatpants without asking. Eating my pack of chips, on my bed without asking. She sees me and casually says, "You sleep upper bed, I will sleep in down one." She keeps her half-eaten snacks on the table, drinks water, goes to bed, and orders, "Off the light." I was at the door speechless. I don't remember allowing her to use my house and things like hers. If Yuna has behaved like this I had scolded her but I didn't know what should say to Y/n. The person I love plus my brother's girlfriend.  I was busy in my thoughts, she called me again, "Sehun change, turn off the light and sleep. Aren't you tired?" I nod. After taking a shower, gone to bed, and slept.

Next morning, I feel good after a healthy and peaceful sleep. It was 9 am, I get down from the upper bed and see Y/n was still sleeping. I thought of waking her up, however, hearing her soft snore, I let her sleep.

When I go down, my friends were up and breakfast was also there. After breakfast, we start our discussion. Jiwoo was good, he didn't have anything major. I warn them for not starting the topic of Y/n's behavior. As per the condition, it was right to stay together. If Woo-Shik wouldn't have run away, we could have avoided it. Yuna was ready but seeing Y/n's unpredictable behavior, I don't know how to tell her; from today onward, me and my friends will be with her 24/7 when she couldn't bear me even for 24 seconds.