#it helped me contextualize things I didn't fucking understand!

[aroaceking]

"#god I think about this all the time#my 15 year old niece identifies as ace#and I’m like (privately)#you’re 15!#you don’t want to have sex! that’s fine!#it’s not an identity!"

screaming forever endlessly agonizingly this upsets me viscerally

I found the label 'asexual' also sometime around 14. This helped me immensely with recognizing ways I was different from my peers and even potentially harming them. Realizing I had an experience that could be defined and also was outside of many of my friend's helped alleviate some of the panic surrounding what attraction even meant.

I literally did not think attraction was a real thing, except maybe some strange future things adults had that I never wanted to experience, before I ever had a name for it.

Some of it was trauma, some of it wasn't. I still do not experience sexual or romantic attraction.

Also!! It's not!!!! About action! It's not about if you want to have sex or not!!! For some people that's how they learn it but it's not! Fucking! About that! It's about attraction!!!!!! It's about if you're fucking attracted to people!!!

I'm so fucking tired of this shit I'm so fucking exhausted with it. You think it's weird or creepy for a child to identify as asexual but it's weirder and creepier to me that you 1) equate it with sexual activity and 2) equate a child's desire to identify with it to sexual activity!!!

And even if that was how a child was using it, okay, they can always identify away from it when they understand themselves better or feel more comfortable!!! It's okay for labels to chance, it's okay for our identities and understanding of self to shift. It's okay for them to not!

Stop! Sexualizing! Asexuality!!!! It is an orientation! It's very alienating to be a teenager and not have any crushes or understand what people are even talking about when they discuss crushes or what makes someone 'hot' or whatever fucking else and sex doesn't! Have to be a part of that even!!

[donnerpartyofone]

First Pants, THEN Your Shoes

I spent a lot of time on the autism and ADHD subs before and in the aftermath of my ADHD diagnosis, and it was often helpful in contextualizing a lot of my nagging and seemingly unexplainable problems. The people there are generally nice, I never really saw any of the toxic behavior that Reddit is famous for. There's just one incident that stuck in my craw, where someone was dealing with issues of emotional access that I thought were so misunderstood by everyone who responded, I wanted to help somehow but I didn't know what to say.

Basically this person admitted that they just have no relationship with their parents. For their whole life they never experienced an authentic, loving connection, and faking it all the time was both exhausting and guilt-inducing. This was a pretty brave thing to express, but I thought that it basically made sense in a forum for people who are famously thought of as cold, rude, and "low empathy". But what happened was that a ton of people responded with "I feel this because" of their horrific history of open abuse and neglect, which I thought was clearly not what OP was describing--and then one person absolutely flipped the fuck out on them, posting a vicious tirade about what a bad person they were. The aggressor faught with a couple of other people before loudly announcing that this post had caused them to leave that subreddit for good. That seemed so cruel and unnecessarily personal to me, I really felt bad for OP who came to the autism forum like we all do to say "I have feelings or behaviors that are abnormal and I feel bad/confused/conflicted about them." I also felt bad that their confession had been conflated with the problems of child abuse and domestic violence, which they clearly did not address. I thought I knew what they meant. I think that I also have different kinds of emotional experiences than most people, and that incident reminded me of why I don't usually admit it.

Do I have histories of abuse and neglect that could have affected my emotional development, or am I just "like this"? I don't know how to answer that. I think that the nature versus nurture debate is like, a fun game to play, but basically absurd. There is absolutely no way to control for pure effects of biology and neurology and genes, separate of pure effects of experience. The right answer is always "it's both", and then you proceed with whatever psychological management style seems most helpful. You try to understand what you have to work with, which rarely involves nailing down the absolute factually objective specifics of your origin story; you approximate about what feels important, and you try to move forward. Some people have histories so difficult that dealing with their inherent "nature" is moot, and some people have a nature that makes even minor experiences vastly more affecting than usual.

To be Freudian about it, my mother kind of didn't want anything to do with me. She was civil about it so it's hard to say I was abused, but I received a pretty consistent rejection signal until she died when I was a teenager. This seems to me to be related to her mother, who made a big performance of being the Perfect Mommy but who was in fact critical, controlling, and manipulative. This in turn seems related to the fact that her father, my great grandfather was a child rapist, which my grandmother refused to deal with, or only dealt with through her burlesque of extreme normality. Severe clinical depression exists on that side of the family, and I have it too. Nature or nurture?

My paternal grandfather was a fascinating, cosmically-minded person who obviously affected my father's powerful intellectual development, but who was emotionally absent. My paternal grandmother was an infantile narcissist with zero sympathy for others and semi-violent tendencies. Also there was obviously "something going on" with her; she cataloged everything in her house, literally on a computer and in physical binders, and devised wild methods of controlling everything around her including children and animals. When we visited her we had to shower outdoors like cattle.

In my family, we didn't say I love you. We didn't touch except for ritually mandated occasions. But we talked a lot. We shared interests, which many families do not do, do not even consider, even when they are warm and affectionate. From the moment I was born I was sad, angry, obsessive, freaked out. Intellectually overdeveloped and emotionally crippled. My mom checked out, and when her parents visited I was very confused and frightened by their soap operatic and purpose-driven performance of emotion. But no matter how messed up I was, my dad made infinite amounts of time for me. I cannot say that he was comforting the way people normally mean it, but he was present and listened. How many miles did we walk before I was a teenager? We talked about dreams, phobias, the subconscious, symbolism, theology, and art and literature. This is still the basis on which I relate to him. Sometimes as an adult I bare a wound brazenly to see if I can make him react to the bad things that have happened to me, but he doesn't. That's not in the rulebook. I don't even know if I WANT the rules to change, I just have to test them sometimes. I probably like them just the way they are.

Meanwhile my brother, who is close in age to me, has become the single most normal and successful person I know, professionally, socially, and in his private life. Nature or nurture?

I have had a much harder time gaining traction. It's hard to get ahead when you have to spend a lot of time just figuring out what the fuck is wrong with you. There are a lot of normal-seeming things I cannot figure out or literally cannot do. My emotional life is somewhat bizarre. I either retreat from society or develop intense, virtually monogamous 1-1 friendships with very poor boundaries. At my small wedding I suddenly realized that my guests didn't even know each other very well; people making toasts didn't seem to know what to say about our courtship. I obsess over people, but it tends to be very intellectual. I don't want anyone to touch me ever, like unless we're fucking, which is a source of much confusion and ridicule among others. I need to be alone A LOT. I can think about someone all the time but forget to tell them more than a few times a year, so I have to be consciously careful to let people know I remember their existence. I once tried to explain to someone that I don't really miss people in the way that others seem to, and I meant it to say "I love you even if it doesn't look normal," and I think I just insulted the person and I regretted speaking.

I think this stuff sounds evil to a lot of people. I tend to think, there's me and there's the mammals. The mammals are warm and enjoy each other's warmth. The mammals feel safe in groups. The mammals have a physical and mental metabolism that refreshes itself daily or hourly; mine is very slow and I need lots of rest and recovery time. I don't feel safe in groups. I like to be cool and dry and hidden in the dark under a rock. For the mammals, their warmth is what makes them feel the value of life. Many of them assume that my coolness means I don't value life. This is absurd. Just because I don't want to feel your body against mine, doesn't mean I don't care what happens to your body. Just because I need to be alone, doesn't mean I wouldn't feel terrible if you are lonely or hurt. I don't even have to like you, to care whether you suffer. If I have misunderstood how my behavior will affect you, it is because I am an alien from outer space; I still care tremendously about whether I make your life better or worse. But this is hard to communicate for some reason.

I watch Lifetime movies with great, almost ghoulish fascination. I'm captivated by their hyperbole of American values, of love and family. I'm spying on it from orbit. It constantly amazes me.

I had been talking to my dad for a while about my feeling that I'm autistic, but the ADHD diagnosis took me by surprised. When I learned more about it, it explained so much about my childhood, about behaviors I couldn't help and stuff I couldn't learn that made my parents, especially my mom so, so mad at me. I didn't know how the new information would strike my dad. My doctor had cautioned me not to feel bad about all the time and potential I lost not understanding my own care and upkeep. Would my dad feel bad about not understanding me? His response was so perfectly, absolutely emblematic of our entire relationship that I couldn't have written it better myself.

There would be no emotional outbursts, no drippy apologies. There was only consciousness, perception, existentialism, God, subjectivity versus cosmic reality. This is what we do. This is how we survive. This is how we say I Love You. I love you so much, dad. I'm proud of you and I'm so glad I am your daughter. Thank you for everything. Please don't touch me.

[captainofthetidesbreath]

I feel like this moment from episode 6 where Imogen talks about Relvin might be a useful one to think sbout right now, especially with all the commentary on their relationship and what they think it means and what happened between him and Imogen:

[Laudna asks Imogen about giving Relvin's name to the Corsairs as collateral. Imogen assures her that it is fine.] Laudna: Do you think he's doing well? I know we left in kind of a hurry. Imogen: Yeah. I think he's, you know, it was probably a long time coming. He was probably happy that I'm gone, and he might be doing a bit better now that I'm not there. FCG: What the fuck's up with that? Ashton: I feel like there's some context necessary for this. FCG: What happened? You have a falling out with your pa? Imogen: No, no, no, my dad's great! He tried, you know, when things started happening, and it wasn't like that growing up, you know, I didn't have all of this. I don't know why it started. It was hard for him, you know? Because I didn't want to be around very many people, and... he just kind of— distanced himself because he knew it made me more comfortable, and... you know, the people in town started talking, and I think he tried to distance himself socially as well for a while to try to, you know. Not his fault, totally. FCG: From you or from the people in town? Imogen: A little bit of both, you know.

Personally, I find it noteworthy just how different "he was probably happy that I'm gone, and he might be doing a bit better now that I'm not there" sounds after her explanation that he distanced himself from others in the town too, that it was motivated by a desire to make her comfortable (and that she knew this was the reason), and that she suggests his attempt to make considerations for her comfort around people was just as isolating for him as it was for her (and it seems there is a suggestion she believes distancing himself from her was difficult in both directions).

Imogen said he dislikes having his thoughts read.* This is interesting alongside another comment about Relvin having never spoken about Liliana from episode 12, one also useful to keep in mind right now:

Imogen: Talk about her? Never. Any time I tried to bring her up, it was like he just turned off. Part of me thinks that's one of the reasons he stopped coming around me. Once everything started changing, it's almost like he knew that he'd give something away. I just thought he was uncomfortable. I didn't know— I don't know.

In addition to the first remark, Imogen speculates that Relvin refused to talk about Liliana to stop himself from giving anything away and wonders if part of the distance was to better keep information about Liliana secret. This seems to mesh well with how he dislikes having his mind read. (Generally, outside of keeping secrets, not wanting your thoughts read is always a valid desire as it is a right to privacy.)

Generally, I think these moments are really useful for and important to understanding their relationship as it is and help contextualize and frame the interestingly very little they both say.

———————

*She says this is why she believes he wouldn't want to see her, but that didn't strictly turn out true, at least from what it seems in the latest. He wasn't thrilled to see her, sure, but he wasn't upset or unhappy either, which feels different from what she seemed to expect. He notably expressed apparently sincere concern that people angry with her would notice she's here and find her. This worry is explicitly the motivation for advising her to leave town quickly, so it therefore seems to be the primary motivator for his asking who saw her enter town—that he's worried people who still harbor ill will against her may come for her if she is seen and lingers too long. At least, that's what it seems to me when taken all together.

[weirdtinkerbellversion]

Just got out of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes and I loved it so much but as always, I have thoughts and feelings. So here's the initial observation. FULL SPOILERS for The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes BELOW you have been warned.

First of all, I loved the way they organized it and the fact that they kept the 3 acts clearly defined the same way the books did, and the opening scene is brilliant. Putting it at the forefront like that gives you all you need to know to understand Corio later. The acting is phenomenal, the songs (I could die). All in all, kudos. Absolutely brilliant. Now to the things I wish they had done differently.

First, changing the sequence of events in the arena. I understand we're on a time limit but there are details that to me, reading the book, I felt were too important not to put in. Examples below.

One: the fact that Lucy's poisoned water does not kill Wovey, only Dill. Don't get me wrong, they both get the point across and the fact that Lucy is in fact responsible for someone younger and weaker than her dying, but I feel like in the films, they established this stronger connection between Lucy and Wovey in a couple of scenes, including them holding hands as they walk into the games, and Wovey being killed by that bottle would have really pushed things in a way I would have liked to see.

Two: the way they changed Reaper and his behavior and his ending. What I loved about Reaper in the books was his defiance in silence. Everything he did for the tributes he did without ever saying a word, which in my opinion was more powerful than when he yells in the films, but that's a minor detail. What I didn't like was that he was killed by the snakes and we don't get to see Lucy use his graveyard and the flag against him, doing that little cat and mouse dance until he dies. His death in the movie was shot beautifully, with his arms wide, sitting among the dead bodies he compiled, poetic as fuck, but give me the book death because it says so much about both his and Lucy's characters.

Three: this is a more minor detail but I wish they hadn't changed the way Lysistrata handles Jessup's death and his rabies. Instead of her offering to save Lucy by sending all this water, it's Coryo who suggests it out of the blue and Lys doesn't like it.

My second issue with the film is that I felt act 3 was a little rushed in its storytelling. We get all the events for the most part but I felt like they were running out of time and trying to cram everything that happens in these last 45 minutes. For example, we see them hunting the Mockingjays but we never get an explanation, we never understand what they're doing (for viewers who have not read the book). And because of that, we see so much less of this hatred that Coryo has for the mockingjays that is so well set up in the book. We also get the results of Snow's aptitude test out of the blue as well. I wish we had gotten a little more insight into the life that he and Sejanus led for a bit to contextualize everything and to help us connect even more. Even Sejanus' exclusion from the trip to the lake and the relationship with the Covey made me a little sad because those moments in the books helped make the separation and realization of "betrayal" if you want to call it that even more poignant. It helped us see how truly selfish Coryo is and his lack of connection with anyone in that part of his life.

Third, I wish we had seen him throw away his mother's compact and his photos of his family and only keeping his father's compass as he leaves District 12. That moment in the book was so important for me. We see him becoming more like his father and throwing away the things that remind him of his mother and Tigris who were the kinder people in his life.

Anyway, this was a long rant about things that popped into my head while I was watching. The film is absolutely brilliant and I didn't want it to end and I want more songs and soundtracks and I'll definitely be rewatching it when I can.

[dballzposting]

Was thinking again about the bizarre scenario that this post ended with in which Trunks has an ex-girlfriend drop a baby at his doorstep and Goten steps in to help him deal with this. Well I have more to say abt it .....

I think a lot these days about the nature of health and humanity so that's why I shoehorn dragon ball characters into such trying yet domestic situations. Sorry

READ ON TO DISCOVER TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS OF SON GOTEN & TRUNKS BRIEFS NAVIGATING THIS FUCKED UP SITUATION....TOGETHER!!!!

Well first of all the way that the infant's mother does not ask for money or resources, even though Trunks is rich, is sort of what dictates Trunks and Goten's decisions about this. Trunks's first impulse is to Give It Back or Give It Away but Goten is first and foremost stricken by how this mother only wanted to abdicate the responsibility altogether, and all privileges therein. It honestly fucks with his head a bit.

I don't know if this will make sense and I'm just spit-balling here but: Goten was raised by Chichi who freely expresses (and weaponizes..) her strong emotions, and most of her emotions have something to do with the importance of family and motherhood to her. And since she is This Way, Goten grew up feeling that these sorts of matters are to be revered or honored or most astutely FEARED, becasue his mother had a poor tolerance for her feelings and behaved as if they were All So Dire, and so that's the impression that Goten got.

Because of the other people in his life and the prevailing mindsets and his own experiences and training, Goten has minimal experience with being emotionally-stunted or fearful of his own feelings; but that initial impression of DIRENESS that he got from his mother is not wholly removed from him, and it has been repurposed into "Oh, it's just the emotions around motherhood that are dire like that." Because those are the emotions that he has not had himself and so has had no re-contextualizing experience with to teach him that they are tolerable like the rest of life.

He knows by now that his mother is batshit crazy but also, when he turns to the world, he does receive the same input that "actually motherhood and child-rearing are very important and delicate things" so he just carries on like "Okay, so it really must be that dire to experience. Okay."

His perception isn't ... WRONG, and a respect for motherhood is a respect for humanity, but his understanding does involve that core of emotional violence from his mother, and that part isn't necessarily universal or beneficial. But like honestly that can be ironed out. He's honestly fine to keep it, even. Like it's close enough

So: When Trunks calls Goten in an anxious fit and says around the sounds of a baby crying that SOMEBODY HAS DROPPED AN INFANT ON THE DOORSTEP OF HIS PERSONAL HOME-AWAY-FROM-HOME IN THE METRO-WEST-SUBURBIA-INTERSECTION and that THE DAMN THING HAS HIS EYES and he DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO DO, well... OBVIOUSLY Goten heads over there as fast as the wind. And as they try to discuss What To Do, Goten is really disturbed that ... a mother could do this?

....He didn't know that that was within the range of options for a mother.

Trunks doesn't understand it either, but moreso from the perspective of "I am BUSY and have 0 experience with CHILDREN so WHY would ANYONE think to DO THIS TO ME..?"

There is a lot to unravel here from Goten's POV: Trunks, why weren't you more careful? Trunks, weren't you also a bastard child? Trunks, aren't you rich, is this really a problem? Trunks, she's not even asking for child support money, doesn't that tell you something about the practical likelihood of this mother being in this child's life? I can't understand how a mother could do this. I cannot fathom the pain she is in, should I be crying about it on her behalf? I don't know if she knows her limitations and is being responsible, or if she is immature and we should be angry with her. Trunks, can't you see that this isn't necessarily about blame or fault, but about the morbidly-misplaced infant who is currently undergoing more emotional pain than any infant should?

I think of Goten as being really emotionally intelligent becasue of his lifestyle and becasue of his nature and becasue Thats What I Want To See And Write About Right Now Just Personally .... So he has the wisdom to know that all of his vexation is just GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT. He has the grace to allow himself however long it will take to subtly work out the perplexment and inner knots. He doesn't need to know everything right now. Becasue right now he has a fucking job to do.

JOB #1: HOSE DOWN TRUNKS

Goten is a real one and he and Trunks are Ride or Die TO THE MAX. Goten hears the slightest edge of nerves in Trunks's voice and he is THERE. He doesn't even think about it. He just assumes the responsibility of compassion becasue that's just what they do for each other. Goten is a very good friend

Trunks is obviously freaking out hardcore, and even though Goten is 100% ready to make this his own problem too, he still allows himself the courtesy of being removed enough to Keep His Head On Straight. He can offer the clarity of an outside perspective and the support of compassion which is exactly why Trunks called him first before calling anyone else. Goten breaks it down pretty simply.

The mother has behaved extremely in order to remove herself from the picture; she is no longer a player. You cannot rely or fallback on her. Forget about her.

You have money and resources, so stop panicking.

You can't keep this a secret from your family forever, but if you need some time, you have enough room and food and money here to get by alright without them for a short while; it's just the issue of needing a caretaker.

We don't need to involve a third party right this second, I'm here and available to help sort this out while we settle into the situation and figure out a best course of action.

This is your problem but don't think of it that way; it's much more a problem for the baby than it is for you. This is life and death for it. You and I can both respect the severity of that.

You can give it away if you want but you know that that won't last long, at some point this child will need to know the context for its Saiyan blood.

You're my best friend and I have no other obligations in my life right now; if you can't miss work then I will stay here and help figure this out. This is your child, and whether or not that matters to you is ultimately up to you, but I think that family matters, and I think that the needs of this random infant is bigger than whatever we have going on in our lives. I know that we can spare the few weeks or months it will take for us to set up a functioning game plan.

So they agree to forget about the mother as a player and potential helper; to avoid involving Trunks's family yet (Trunks's wish); and that even though this is so sudden and they are so unprepared, whatever they feel about it has to go on the back-burner for now because the needs of the situation persists no matter how they feel about it.

JOB #2: DEAL WITH THE BABY?

It would be very wise to involve an experienced caretaker right now. Even just calling up Videl and Gohan would be helpful.

Goten wants to do that, but he also doesn't want to argue with Trunks about it right now. Necessity calls, and the first few days are Goten handling the baby and telling Trunks to Calm Down and Get Some Rest and Go To Work and Act Natural and Clear Your Head and We Can Regroup In A Few Days. Ultimately if Trunks continues to feel violated then this may blow up further, so Goten respects his wishes for secrecy IN THE MEANTIME. He is fully planning on revisiting that later, because, NECESSITY CALLS, and what do THESE TWO KNUCKLEHEADS know about dealing with babies?

Well, Goten was a well-loved baby himself, and is necessarily intimate with his own inner sensations of vitality by virtue of his warrior status, and so he takes to the task intuitively, honestly. He quickly busies himself with cultivating a sense of safety and comfort for the baby, he pays very close attention to its feelings and internal states, he projects a presence of serenity and grace ...

This soothes Trunks, too, who actually listens when after the first hectic day Goten tells him to "go get some rest."

Trunks takes the opportunity to leave and sleep readily - this is all just so fucked to him. Goten is able to remain peaceful even while trying to calm a baby who is Not At All Accepting The Efforts right now, and the sight disturbed Trunks. That's his best friend who used to play in dumpsters with him. What is he doing being a better parent to Trunks's child than Trunks is? This shouldn't be happening to either of them. This isn't who they are. This is so fucked.

So he sleeps it off and goes to work and he comes home and Goten has in that time turned the house into the friendliest space he could cobblefuck/conjure. He has acquired milk formula and pacifiers, a crib, diapers, anything he could remember seeing around when Pan was born. He is wearing an apron and has started dinner but is currently sitting down and holding the baby and trying to soothe it, becasue all day he has been trying to soothe it, because it has been separated from its mother and it has been refusing to eat, and Goten has now committed to being a constant presence of warmth and serenity so that eventually the baby will accept his help. Goten "knows nothing about babies" supposedly but he knows VERY MUCH about what it feels like to be a human/Saiyan, and to be so small and dependent, so he is applying all the wisdom and discipline he's learned over his life.

He sees all the missteps and faults and voids of knowledge, but Trunks sees behavior that is far better than what he was putting out there initially. Goten is sympathetic but remaining unaffected by the violent anxiety that the baby is expressing, because he knows that if he gets worried and tense, then he will no longer be a safe container for the baby's pain like he is trying to be. He knows that this is very difficult for it, and he knows that this wound may leave an emotional scar, and he knows that it won't accept Goten as a caretaker until it's ready to, and in the meantime Goten is just trying to prove himself and rock the baby in his arms to facilitate what he hopes is a progression toward a feeling of safety and the prospect of regulation.

He is the only fratboy in the entire universe who could try to pull this off because he is one of the better warriors in the universe, and physical training and discipline IS emotional training because all the organism is one being. Also he is very respectful of the human condition and of motherhood in general, so it was never a question of IF he could commit himself to the task, but of HOW SOON he can move in.

And Trunks feels awful for thrusting this problem upon his BFF like this but he also feels a myriad of other things like Fear and Stress and Shame and Violation and an indecision around whether or not to Accept & Bond with this child and Indecision about Everything and ultimately an Exhaustion, so he just. Lets Goten's calm demeanor make everything okay.

Oooookay. So.

This just sort of goes on like this for a short while.

Goten becomes completely invested in his new responsibility. It's superficially comical; a fratboy with the freshest fade and biggest muscles, wearing an apron and feeding a baby from a bottle. The want to call Gohan or Videl or Chichi or Bulma or any qualified caretaker has gone unattended. the given reason is that, well, maybe it's not time to yet. The real reason is a mix of apprehension, a desire for quiet, and the good old classic Saiyan impulse of "Hey, wait, maybe I could do this myself, just gimme a minute - let me self-improve, hold on, I think I'm learning, I almost got it, just give me a minute." It seems irresponsible, but Goten is at the point where he really feels like involving more adults into the baby's life may just confuse and stress it, and it's not like there is anybody else who could magically heal the severed bond that the baby had with its mother.

Trunks oscillates as he processes: he is sometimes relieved to have Goten, sometimes disgusted, sometimes ready to call in reinforcements, sometimes ready to jump ship entirely. He sometimes makes dinner and sometimes watches Goten do it with a baby on his hip. Sometimes Trunks never comes home and stays at Capsule Corp for a night or two. He goes to work every day and takes showers that never feel long enough. Sometimes he escapes to meditate or train alone, but the clarity and peace is disturbed when he comes home to a distraught baby who never giggles and who has his eyes.

Trunks is sometimes mature about this and sometimes not. At once when he would impetuously demand to at least hold his child ("if this is SUCH a big deal and I HAVE to keep it, after all-"), Goten would respond simply and assertively with "OUR baby."

Now, though, a few long months in, when Trunks extends the effort of patience and grace of tolerance to hold his baby, Goten genuinely hesitates. He looks fretful and doesn't budge. Trunks thought that he had been a bit more respectful in his request this time - after all, it was a request, not a demand - but he senses from Goten's response that maybe he was still too immature, still unrealistic about what he could handle and what he could not. But, need this be a big deal, I mean - it's his, isn't it? Is it a big fucking deal for him to just HOLD it? What is he missing, here?

when Goten speaks, it's like how one whispers softly in a library, and Trunks feels slighted at being indirectly asked to watch his volume in his own home. He feels like he's being shamed, and he rejects this, becasue - is this REALLY a big deal, or is Goten just getting too deep into this and being dramatic?

But Goten tells him that hey, this baby is REALLY sensitive. Sure, it eats now, and clings to Goten like a baby should, but it seems to constantly rely on that presence, and it is easily disquieted, and it takes a lot of rocking to put it to sleep. Goten feels like he's put a lot of work in, and that the baby has come a long way to learn to seek out Goten's face and arms for comfort, but it is not yet wholly trusting, and it cries more than it smiles.

So Trunks sits on the couch next to him and tries to mirror the peacefulness that Goten is always putting out, but he is anxious inside, and that comes through. Goten carefully moves to pass the baby over to Trunks, and he moves slowly, and he tells the baby what's going on in a pleasant tone, and the baby furrows its brow, and Trunks recognizes it as an expression of his own, and he tries to gently take the baby into his arms, and his guts tighten when he hears Goten tell the baby "this is your father," and Trunks lets the baby look at him, and he tries to hold it right and quell the trembling of his nerves, and he gently rocks it at Goten's prompting. And the baby looks confused and sort of upset. And then really upset. And then it turns to look for Goten and reach out to him. And Goten is always careful to be responsive to this baby and so he knew that it was upset to go into the arms of the clearly-stressed-out-and-therefore-unsafe Trunks, and he knew to standby and be ready to take it back at any second. And this he does so. And Trunks stands up and leaves the house. Just fully walks out the front door

Trunks doesn't think of it in this way, but he is living what his father had lived through: he has a bastard child, but is not ready to become a father and pass the torch yet; he is not done with himself, with his arch, with his life.

Trunks is working a job he hates and has not yet found what he should be doing instead. He is not in love with machines like his mother is, and he is not perfectly suited for endless battle like his father is. He hasn't fallen into swords as his calling yet so he has no inkling of ever running a sword-training dojo - he just really has no idea what to do. He's always liked Having Fun and Chilling Out and Fucking Around and he's done quite a lot of that. In fact he's done that his whole life. A lot of which has been with Goten. Now Goten is acting as a mother to Trunks's bastard child becasue Trunks isn't good enough to take care of his own fucking problem. He's too immature or selfish, he's not serious enough, he's too cold even - he has no girlfriend or wife, he has no instinct to settle, he hasn't a familial bone in his body.

He knows how to meet bare minimum, he knows how to exist in shadows - he knows how to play the role of a son but cannot marry that with his own individuality, he cannot excel in his parents' paths nor follow his own, he cannot be someone his parents can be proud of. His sister is much more fit to do all that and more - Trunks can't decide if he feels hindered by the ceiling of his upbringing and parents' expectations, or inflamed by it to grow. His sister seems to be doing great though, and she is fierce and competent, and she never once asked Trunks's help for anything past the age of 6.

Trunks hasn't found himself yet. How could he be responsible for another? Not to mention - he has no experience with being needed.

Eventually he returns to tell Goten all of this. The baby has been put to bed and Goten is cleaning the kitchen, and Trunks walks in and tells him that he is so sorry for making this Goten's problem. He understands that they're ride or die but Trunks can recognize that he has not been bringing an equal amount to the table, even though it was his problem to start. He feels like pure shit about it. And he's sorry for keeping his emotional distance. He feels resentful for that fucking baby and he's sorry for not being able to reconcile with and move past that. And he's sorry for feeling violated by a situation that he himself wrought and that he should be able to HANDLE becasue he is an ADULT. He's angry at himself for still feeling like a lost child on some level, an for being so irresponsible as to have not yet resolved that.

He can see that this is more important than all that, and he is sorry for his incompetence regarding.

And he tells Goten that he is a WAY better parent than Trunks could EVER be - and, y'know, he's GRATEFUL for that, perhaps even feels a strange love for Goten for being there to raise his child, and that weirds him out, but anyway - y'know ... He knows that this can't be true, but he'd rather that it just be Goten's child instead. And Trunks is ride or die and would totally help him out any way he could, but also, yknow, when Goten's family or love interests step in to help, Trunks would, yknow, take his leave. And be grateful for that. Becasue he's no good at this. And he doesn't want the responsibility. And he can't tell if that's selfish or not.

........Aaaaand Goten. Lets him say all of that. Dries his hands. And then he sharpens his gaze. And just says exactly what he means and what needs to be said:

"I'm not a mother, I'm a 23 year old man who is unemployed and unmarried. 75% of the contacts on my phone are party-chicks and dude-friends. Three months ago I was doing keg stand enemas, and now I'm a broodmare. I'm nurturing a child that is not even mine. My body is rock-solid with hella muscles and I'm here trying to mimic the soft warmth of a mother. What I am is a guy who is doing his best - and you can be, too."

That really just cuts through the bullshit. He could also tell Trunks that he is good enough and that he needs to be kinder to himself because "we really don't have the time for you to be all locked-up and self-absorbed, like, if you could get going on the process of self-compassion then that would be great because we really need a second emotionally-available person right now..!"

It comes out now (or a little later when Trunks is willing to listen) thaaaaat ......... Hey! This has been EXHAUSTING for Goten!!

Not even just for the baby, but Goten has had to be calm and capable and soothing for TRUNKS, too!

A little is fine, but this has been going on for a few MONTHS now, you know!?!

And, Oh, the STRESS. Goten knows that if he worries too much then he will end up sending mixed signals to the baby, so he's had to make peace with the prospect that he could "fail" or that essentially the baby could never learn security or comfort. So Goten has accepted the situation as it is; there is an infant in distress, it is not his, it is his best friend's, Goten will do what he can to make sure it survives, he will do what he can to heal its heart, but it is undergoing quite the ordeal and Goten is untrained in such matters SO; this is reality and whatever happens happens.

But, also, Goten has necessarily BONDED with this baby, and he can follow its feelings closely, and- OH, he really does STRESS becasue he DOESN'T KNOW if he's actually HELPING OR NOT? Sometimes he feels like the baby is receiving comfort more readily than before, sometimes he feels like it is starting to withstand the stress of daily living without needing constant comfort, sometimes he can leave the room and return and the baby has not yet started crying in that time, sometimes the baby seeks him out in a way that does not feel so hopeless or needy, sometimes it cries in his arms in a way that feels purifying - but other times it goes cold on him when he misses signals, sometimes it rejects him, sometimes it won't eat, sometimes it becomes desperate and needy and will not be soothed, sometimes Goten starts to feel desperate and hopeless himself!

He wants to be there for the baby, to be a reliable regulator, but how can he when the baby has endured rejection and is now of the reflex to sometimes reject those that care for it?

I do think that there is a day where it starts to feel okay. The baby smiles and giggles and trusts that when Goten leaves the room he will be back soon. Goten starts to feel like it's not the end of the world when sometimes things happen that have the baby feeling ignored or violated, and that in turn invokes a phase of coldness and rejection by the baby - becasue Goten knows to just be patient and to tolerate it alongside the baby, and the baby will live through it. That's all Goten can do. Just continue modeling that it's alright, feelings are forgivable, his love is unconditional, and that life is tolerable.

But even beyond the baby: this situation has given Goten a LOT to stew on and process. His ideas about family and motherhood are being tested, and his best friendship is being twisted and tried. This is a lot for Goten to handle, but they have decided to not tell their families yet, and Goten cannot rely on his BFF for the emotional support - so he has been isolated in this. All he can do is soothe and rock the baby in silence and let the rocking motion soothe him as well. All he can do is remain calm and let things process in the back of his mind in their due time. All he can do is keep breathing and moving mindfully. All he can do is keep moving forward.

He has kept his DAMN MOUTH SHUT this whole time out of consideration for Trunks and a desire to keep the atmosphere calm and balanced. But, yknow, now that Trunks is opening up to him about his stress - Goten will go on ahead and share his.

Trunks says that he feels bad for making this Goten's problem, and to that, Goten has two insights:

1.) Stop calling it a problem! There are no problems, no mistakes, no failures; just what you do and don't and how you feel about it. Shifting around blame and derisive declarations unto the abstract concept of the "situation" e.g. THE PRESENT REALITY removes yourself from your much-needed presence and involvement. It takes away what you can DO about it, now.

2.) Okay Well if you feel bad for making this my problem then maybe you should consider returning all the hugs and kissies and pets I've given you and all the DINNERS I've cooked for you. Maybe *I* need to be soothed and rocked and kissed and pet in order to deal with what I'M going through. I can't keep being a mother to YOU AND your child. It's not MY FAULT that I wasn't there to make you use a CONDOM, Trunks!! I'M SORRY THAT YOU DIDN'T LEARN FROM THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF YOUR OWN CONCEPTION, TRUNKS!!!

Now that we're a few months in, it's time to say that - this really isn't what either of them ever meant to ask out of the other. They have always been each other's go-to for senseless, reckless, and wild thrills. They've given each other intellectual stimulation and emotional mediation, sure, but their default state is HEY DUDE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN PEE. This whole situation wasn't necessarily in the cards for them. This isn't how they love each other!

But, they can both come to accept that This Is Just How It Is. I think that they can both be strong enough to adapt.

And, with this out of the way, they can start working more as a team. Turns out this shit doesn't HAVE to be miserable. Turns out that when you're honest, your vitality and excitement for life returns. Trunks becomes more involved with his child. They involve their family members and receive help and share joys. Goten is freed up to be able to connect with friends and ladyfriends again, and Trunks becomes more realistic about what he wants out of his life.

It's fine. Not a big deal.

End post.

Everybody stay graceful and lovely <3 Thank you for reading my post

[xxlovelynovaxx]

"I don't feel love," the robot said. "Replicating a facsimile of that particular neurochemical response was simply never considered a necessary part of my programming. Does that make me not a person?"

The human put its chin in its hand, musing.

Finally it said, "Well, do you consider yourself a person?"

"I don't know," the robot said, making a small whir-click sound in his throat that the human recognized as a sound of distress. "I do not know what makes a person. Human texts conflate personhood and humanity, and humanity whilst ill-defined often seems to center love as a requirement of participation in humanity."

The human clicked its tongue. "Do you want me to give you my answer?" it asked. "Or do you want me to help you find your own?"

"I... think that hearing your answer might logically aid me as compatible input in the compilation of my own," the robot said slowly. She looked up to see the human smile, an expression she knew usually meant the human was pleased.

The human swung its legs in the air from where it was sitting on a table. "I think wanting to be, or considering yourself, a person is enough. I think personhood is descriptive, not prescriptive. I think the definition of personhood shifts to encompass all those who label themselves people and none of those who don't."

The robot's fans hummed as he processed that. "So then it seems the only constant factor is that of self-awareness. But then, why does humanity in particular insist that there are experiences prerequisite to personhood beyond self-determination? What is love's role in the context of personhood?"

She heard the human mutter "Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more" under its breath. It was an odd mannerism of its, seemingly a form of echolalia in response to certain phrases in discussions about love. Other humans seemed to find it humorous. Truly, humans were unfathomable sometimes.

The human locked its arms and launched itself off the desk, landing on its feet. "I think that's a load of bullcrap, honestly," it said, startling the robot. "I think humans universalized a common experience and decided it was inherent to the experience of humanity, which we considered ontologically equivalent to personhood when we were alone."

It continued, "there's no emotion that is universally applicable to all humans. Love, Hate, Anger, Grief, Remorse, Guilt, Happiness, Excitement, Anxiety, Sadness - you can find a human out there who hasn't experienced at least one of every one of those. And I mean, why are we choosing these things as an arbitrary default, anyway? Who says humans have the authority to set parameters around personhood?"

The robot moved her body for the first time, servo-motors quietly purring as he lifted his arm into the range of its visual sensors.

"It seems humans put a lot of weight on love, though. It seems it is a need to receive it, and you are hurt if you do not."

"What is love, then?" it asked. The robot noticed it drumming it's fingers on the table behind it in a pattern matching the syllables to the strange response in the call-and-response it would do, but it didn't speak the words as it usually did.

The robot said, "to my understanding, it is an internal feeling of attraction or affection which takes different forms, typically engendering a desire to fulfill the needs and desires of the object of said feeling, to ensure their safety, to spend time with them; and contextually to copulate and/or to enter into a contractual partnership often including cohabitation wherein the parties agree to either mutual exclusivity or consensual nonmonogamy and a lifetime commitment to the other which prioritizes their needs, desires, and well-beings above other relationships the human might maintain or establish."

"Right, so in essence," the human said, "it's a feeling you have towards other people that motivates you to make them happy and sometimes to fuck them or marry them or enter an equivalent partnership."

"Yes, that is my understanding," the robot said.

The human sighed. "Here's the thing," it said. "Yeah, humans can be real weird about love, especially about receiving it. But like... hm. Well, I don't need you to love me. Love is a feeling. You don't have to feel the right way towards me for me to feel my needs in our interactions are met sufficiently."

The robot watched as the human paced back and forth. It then continued, "I mean, some people consider love to be an action as much as a feeling. If you want to participate in love, then you could consider the actions you do in order to meet someone's needs and wants in the way that makes them happy 'love'. Is that why you're asking?"

The robot couldn't put her finger on why she was interpreting the situation this way, but the human seemed upset. He was confused. Had he done something wrong?

"Would that make you happy?" the robot said carefully, but it seemed that was the wrong response.

"No!" the human said, almost explosively. It took a deep breath, then some of the tension fell out of its shoulders.

"Like I said," it continued in a softer voice. "I don't need love to feel my needs are met. I s'pose I should've clarified that I also meant love as an action. But," it clarified hurriedly, "it's okay if you interpret your actions through that lens, if it's an experience you want to participate it."

The human was hugging its arms around its body, as if it felt cold, or exposed. The robot searched for the right words to say to help it, but she was still combing her database of social interactions when the human spoke again.

"Y'know how I said not all humans feel love?" it said, its voice even softer. It didn't wait for a response. "I'm one of them. Well, specifically, I don't feel 'romantic' love, whatever the hell that even is. I don't label any of my other feelings or actions, like lust for the people I find sexy or affection for the people in my life that matter to me, love, either."

It walked up to the robot almost defiantly. "I do feel other things, but I wouldn't need to in order to be a person. I know people who don't, and they're still people. Do you understand now?"

For some reason, it almost seemed as if she might be pleading, but surely that couldn't be right. As he ran its responses against her social protocol database cross-referenced with its psychosocial processing subroutine with the input of its body language and voice pitch and cadence, he didn't understand the output being generated. It seemed to be in a format she couldn't parse, but perhaps that was just because it was a result he'd not seen before.

She turned his attention back to the human. "I... think so. I didn't mean to imply that someone might be less of a person without feeling love, nor do I share the fixation so seemingly prevalent in much of human data with love as either noun or verb, so to speak."

The human visibly relaxed, its body becoming less tense and its face finally split with a wide grin. "You get it," it said. "I knew you would."

The robot wasn't sure exactly what she "got", but she was glad the human seemed happy again.

"Is there a word for those people that do not feel love, too?" he asked, cocking his head to one side in a way that the human had once said was "cute" and "nonthreatening".

The human laughed. "Yeah, aromantic, or aro for short." She paused. "Well, actually, loveless aro. There's lovequeer aros too, that feel certain kinds of love, and also arospec people that feel some romantic attraction..." she smiled ruefully. "It's complicated. I mean, aro as a label works generally since love often is synonymous for romantic attraction, but if you mean all love, loveless is a good qualifier to indicate that..." her rambling trailed off in a nervous giggle.

"Hm," the robot mused quietly. "Well, if I get to decide to be a person, then I think I'm a loveless aro person."

At this, the human stepped closer and flung its arms around her in a hug. While its voice was muffled as it talked into his plating, he thought he heard it say, "oh thank goodness. Me too, buddy."

[ms-all-sunday]

Sanji didn't mind being out for watch during the nighttime- he usually got early night shifts so he could get enough sleep in the morning before preparing everyone's breakfast, usually for that time at least the Marimo was awake and then he'd have some amount of company, but for tonight he was all alone. Smoking as a blanket laid haphazardly over his body and a pillow behind his back.

The cool air of night hung around him in the crows nest and for a brief moment the merry- a ship with a notoriously loud crew even by Sanjis standards, was slient.

Only for a moment.

"Cook. Do you mind if I join you?"

"Robin?"

She poked her head above the entrance to the latter, just enough that you could see her eyes from under her bangs and the top of the bridge of her nose.

"Sorry. Did I come at a bad time?"

"No! I'm just surprised. It's cold and you don't usually stay up this late."

"Hm. Well. I'm up here now. You wouldn't mind company?"

He looked suspiciously at her. "... I wouldn't."

Robin is wearing a coat over her nightgown, which makes her look a bit less ghostly than usual. Would Sanji have to share his blankets? Yes. And he doesn't mind, he runs hot anyways. The only thing he regrets is not getting another pillow as Robin settles down across from him, the blanket covering all of the floor of the crows nest.

"I admit that this conversation isn't totally on a whim, I wanted to ask you something before we next to the next island."

The shipbuilding island.

He nods. "Anything for you."

"No, that's exactly it. Why don't you flirt with me like you do a lot of other women? I'm not complaining.

Well. Hm, that isn't exactly the whole truth is it? It's more complicated than that.

Regardless, you don't seem like you expect anything romantic from me or have romantic feels for me at all, I'm curious about that. You're so committed, I never thought your dedication would waver in this respect."

Sanji looked surprised and took a drag of his cigarette.

"Okayyy, for one, I do have a crush on you."

"Then why-"

"I'm insulted that you would think I didn't."

"Yes. Okay. Sorry. Regardless, that only makes the question more interesting."

"I don't seem like I have romantic feelings for you, I would guess, because... Uh."

Why does he do that? Why put a thin veil over being attracted to Robin and nobody else?

"You're smart and funny and it'd be a shame to limit myself when talking to you."

"Nami is smart and funny."

Sanji laughs and Robin smiles.

"Nami is different you know that. I mean that I don't have any chance with you, so thinking about our relationship from a romantic angle is... Unhelpful? Even though I have a crush on you doesn't mean I think flirting regardless of anything is appropriate. I have to know when to apply it to a conversation. It's like a seasoning. Plus, there's more to admire if I don't limit myself to flirting with you. Being friends is better on all accounts."

"Friends where one of them is in love with the other. Understandable. I honestly thought any romantic... vibes? I got where just apart of the rouse that you do."

He sputters. "It's not an act! Not fake-"

"Yes. I've mentioned your interactions with Nami once in this conversation already, do you want me to cite my sources beyond that or do we just want to leave it at that? Sorry, maybe it would be better to call it an excuse with her-"

"It's kind of a rouse, fine, contextually! It wasn't a rouse with you. I'm legitimately in love with you. It's kind of fucking hard not to be."

"Oh? How so?"

"Why is it, that when I tell the women I have crushes on that I'm in love with them, they don't believe me?"

She smirks. "You have a type, clearly."

Sanji takes a deep breath. "You're elegant, your voice calms me down, you're funny, you're unbelievably strong, you're insightful, you help me even though I don't ask for it, you know things about me that nobody else does and for once in my fucking lifetime I'm actually okay with none of my defences working against another person in the same way I am with Luffy. But he's him. And you're you. Different."

If the lighting was better, Sanji could see Nico Robin blush.

"Thank you."

"My pleasure. You believe me now?"

"I do. Somehow I thought it would be more surface level than that."

"People have been telling me I give off that vibe recently. I've gotta fucking change that."

...

"I want to sit next to you."

"Sure."

Sanji moves to sit next to Robin. She remains taller than him, even sitting down, by the few inches difference between them. She has an indescribable expression on her face, it seems distant. Maybe longing. There are a million words she wants to say and they all die in her throat.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No." She says softly. I did.

"You can lean into me if you want."

She does.

The texture of his dress-shirt was softer than she'd have imagined. She can't cry in front of him- none of this was planned out in her head.

Just get curiosity out of the way. This is the way it has to go- she tells herself. And despite intending it as comfort, the words in her head only twist the knife deeper inside her.

Making her want to cry more.

And so she does, softly, in the exact way Sanji can't see or hear but he can feel. While her mind is elsewhere, she can't realize she's being held.

[48787]

I've learned just how much I appreciate "Decentralization" Not the shitty fucking crypto bro "Yooo dude if we just do the fetishization of capital harder it'll surely be decentralized, surely we just need to do it harder bro" kinda shit But the idea that like, even if the systems that maintain the standards that maintain social power/value of certain things we care about goes under (Whether through bankruptcy, lack of resources, lack of userbase, etc) I will still be able to maintain the personal value I find or have already found through relying on those systems. So it would be better if those systems were more easily able to be opted out of to make that transition smoother if/when it happens and so I can maintain my own personal standards!! (Not fetishizing individualism, just saying that I am an individual person who wants to be able to force my own standards to be applicable to my own life. This very much is in support of giving power to the workers forced to use these systems the power to more easily destroy the systems they work within if they need to and force their own social standards to become the new system. All my posts are attempts at corrupting your mind with commie brain washing, you must understand this because once you do you might begin to accept this as well)

I've been thinking about swapping from Discord over to Matrix for a little while now for this exact reason but didn't know just how far reaching it applied. It contextualizes why I wanted to swap over to firefox much more aptly rather than just doing it because I simply hated chromium. I wanted more. It also makes be better appreciate tumblr, and why I felt so able to actually commit to a social meda for once. It's because the blog is my own and I always have the export button right in front of me. If I don't like my blog, I can make a new one. If I don't like tumblr I can leave tumblr and still have my blog (just without the value of being able to reach a wider audience... which I didn't even want to begin with!!! I just wanted an audience and I already have that with my friends and current mutuals!!! I don't care about audience growth, I'd rather deeper entrench the social investments I already have made in the social entities I enjoy). And since I'm no longer worried about this being my entire being (No longer fetishizing social media), I am no longer worried about this being my own shot at having a blog, I can take more risks!!

I can see posts my wife sends me where she's like "I don't know if I can reblog this or not" and say "No you totally can if you want, in fact I want to so I'm going to reblog it right now" and it pushes both me and her to be more honestly depraved with each other, which is lovely!! It lets me show off that honest depravity with people who are okay with seeing it more easily too!! It's just super liberating and I would only be able to feel this way if escape was possible and I have a safety net insuring I can make sure that net continues to exist and continues to widen. Sure, it requires a certain amount of tech literacy, a certain amount of economic literacy, a metric shit ton of political and class literacy, and at least one other person willing to help me, but hey I have all those things so I know my net will work for me!! Anyway, this was just more agency-posting. If you are empathizing, sympathizing, or are envious I'd recommend starting by figuring out what you want your safety net to capture, why you want that to be able to be captured, what happens if you're wrong (not if you're wrong, just what would happen first), and then whether or not your current net actually does or doesn't already capture what you want it to so you know where to put your focus into!!

And if you want advice for where to start on that I highly recommend at least skimming Das Kapital (Or just Capital or Capital: A Critique of Political Economy or whatever you know it as, labels are meaningless beyond the meaning we want them to have, as long as you know that I'm talking about Marx's economic analysis book that's fine) and coming to an understanding of what value is and what money is and how they are not linked. That's what allowed me to get this far, and I think if more people were able to not only unlink their personal value from money but also take steps to limit their own desires and pursuing of capital to better focus on their "real" value more and more people would be able to be "this far" as well!

[zalrb]

the summer i turned pretty 2x03 review -- belly is legit terrible, tho.

I'm sorry, he's the best actor on the show?

This should be angsty and painful

The tension between Conrad and Belly should be like

and Conrad should be Chuck where even if his expression is a mask, his eyes tell the real story

and Belly, your expressions are the same, your tone of voice is the same

"Man, Susannah used to have this place filled to the brim before we got here" "Mom used to have the [beds] ready before we got here" WELL YEAH. She got it ready for the summer. Did you all forget that this was an impromptu visit?

"Kick ass or whatever you're supposed to do at these things." "Your guess is as good as mine." Ma'am, aren't you a professional author? This isn't your first rodeo.

Taylor, why do you need to go to Cousins. Why do either of you need to go to Cousins. For drama that won't happen.

Lol at prom I forgot my boyfriend's ... the flower thingy you put in his suit pocket.

OK she wants to have fun at her junior prom which is valid but it's also so clear that my guy doesn't want to be there so her being like "I thought you were going to spend the night" sis, does it LOOK like he wants to spend the night?

Sooooooooo are you going to talk?

for the love of god

can i have some chair energy please?

with their very undramatic, contained version of promicide, which i don't even think is warranted tbh, conrad wasn't great here but his mother is dying, belly.

"conrad just pushes people away when he needs them the most" HE ASKED YOU TO LEAVE WITH HIM AND YOU WERE LIKE BUT PROM! Lol ok.

He told you he was worried about his mom being on new meds and you were like oh pfft, she's probably fine,

which was supposed to be trying to stay positive but comes across as dismissive. You're actually pretty bad at being there for ... anyone it seems, belly.

"i didn't have the best year" the weird/funny thing about tsitp is that they keep mentioning susannah over and over and over again and how different life is without her or how different the house is without her, like they talk about it a lot but it doesn't feel like they've actually lost her, like i don't feel like i'm watching two sons whose mother died, the grief isn't done well enough because belly is over here babbling about how she lost a volleyball captaincy when jeremiah literally lost his mother. and it's like they're saying her pain about susannah is equal to his and conrad's pain and it isn't?

"i really missed you, jere." DID YOU?

oh, how i don't care about taylor and whatshisface. skipping.

like are you frenzied to keep this house or not? because you're fucking surfing, man. like??

"we'll use our trusts to buy this house" is that enough to also pay the mortgage, is it enough for insurance, is it enough for property taxes, is it enough for repairs...? how much is this trust?

I'm just watching them at this funeral and I'm like ... when I had Buffy?

when I had FNL?

I've had conversations about users about appreciating something for what it is or liking something for what it is and I can understand that but when I've something done better, I can't help but contextualize what I'm watching with what I've watched before or what I'm watching at the same time.

You are a literally at a WAKE, Belly, this couldn't wait?

I don't care how old you are you're old enough to know better, this is RIDICULOUS. And I thought Lorelai interrupting Sookie's kid's baptism because Rory was there was horrible.

You are not NEARLY embarrassed and/or ashamed enough about how you acted here.

Oh no, she fell after telling the son of a mother who DIED to go to hell because he was resting his head on another girl's lap.

Nah, I am a grudge person, I am never speaking to her again after pulling THAT at my mother's WAKE? You are dead to me, sis.

Oh, a panic attack on the beach because he bottles everything up and doesn't let anyone help him except he kind of does and everyone knows he's upset anyway because he doesn't try to hide it, which is the thing, he should be constantly acting like everything is normal and/or he's adjusting super well and then do something like break up with Belly out of the blue because he's actually not fine and he actually is shutting her out by pretending everything's fine and does things like go to the beach to have panic attacks.

[cherry-koi]

hi umm i’m a sex-positive middleish ageslider (i think im 15-16 now) in an adult system and i’ve always sort of had this feeling that there wasnt really any reason why i can’t engage with sexual stuff and i think desired it on some level but i’ve always sorta felt weird and guilty about it like i Shouldnt and didnt really understand it and kinda tried to repress it and have been kinda scared to talk about it with the system’s partners and i think i assumed i was like fucked up or broken or something and i still have a long way to go processing this stuff but coming across your carrd and reading the thing about sex positive age regressors helped me like. get a better perspective on it and contextualize it and stuff and helped push me in the right direction to start figuring it out

this ask is long and windey and run-on bc it’s 9:42 am and i havent slept bc host stressed herself out about getting up for a thing so i guess what im trying to say is ummm thank you a lot for writing about those experiences n stuff it helped me a lot and i appreciate it

—🪐

eeee ur welcome!! im so glad it helped you :3

feeling ashamed over it is something i also struggled with, n still do .. feeling "broken" was definitely a big thing. i used to think that suppressing these feelings would be for the best, because they "had to" come from some trauma i didn't remember. but tbh accepting that this is how i am and i don't have to change if it's not hurting me is the best way to think about it ! seeing other people w similar experiences has also helped a lot

so yea i wish u the best 🪐!! also i hope u eventually got sleep<3

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC Review: There Are No Saints by Sophie Lark

3.5/5. Rereleases 10/3/2023.

Vibes: serial killers, cat and mouse, enjoythesilence.mp3, the glorious pretentiousness of the contemporary art world.

Cole Blackwell and Alastor Shaw are rivals in the high-end art scene. They are also rival serial killers. When Mara Eldritch falls into their mutual line of sight, she's attacked by Shaw--and unexpectedly mentored by Cole.

This book... befuddled and bemused me. I'm not sure how I feel about everything. Like, it's camp, and I do love camp, but--there are a couple of specific areas that crossed a certain line for me. Not the murdering, I don't super care about the morality issues in this novel (though I should acknowledge that there are valid arguments made against serial killer romance novels, and while I'm not sure I agree with them 100%, points have been raised). But the dips into the silly.

Quick Takes:

--In terms of writing quality, for much of this book I found it stronger than Brutal Prince. Brutal Prince was a book in which the 21st century mobsters talked like they were closer to West Side Story. In this one, everyone seems... suitably over the top for the subject matter, but not, for the most part, a caricature. I mean, Cole got pretty close at times, but this is a man who butchered an art critic who dogged him, filed his bones down, dipped them in gold, and used them for a sculpture.

I would also add that, as someone not-unfamiliar with the contemporary art scene, I think setting this book in the art world helped its tone immensely. Because honestly? If anyone is going to believably be ridiculously pretentious and incredibly serious about the most ludicrous shit, it's an artist. Shaw and Cole's rivalry gives HARD "Dynasty" vibes, the champagne is SUPER burnt, and it works because these are men who make art that honestly sounds not great and sell it to other men with bad taste for $750K a pop. I believe it.

--One thing that similarly sells the tone of this book is fact that Mara is completely fucking insane. The name "Mara Eldritch" really clues you into this from the jump, and I do love it. And please understand, when I say she's insane, that's a compliment. I really expected a girl who'd be kind of horrified by her serial killer stalker, but Mara's like "I wanna fuck it", with the kind of enthusiasm with which a horny teenage boy approaches any vaguely cylindrical object. Mara's inability to demonstrate basic survival skills beyond worrying about money (and still renting a studio space for $200 a month, which contextually was a steal but if Mara shouldn't spend $12 on dinner, should she really be adding $200 to the monthly bill...?) was kind of charming to me.

Like, by all means this girl should be dead. But for one, like a cockroach, she refuses. For two, I got the impression that Cole was just so fucking confused by how not correctly she handled everything that he just couldn't really kill her. And I'll admit, "local pretentious serial killer is so gobsmacked by woman repeatedly running headfirst into wall that he must have her" is a fun dynamic.

--Like I said, Alastor and Cole are basically Alexis and Dominique, and I support that. I honestly could've used more of Shaw dipping into Cole's path and both of them agreeing that virgins are hella boring.

--Now... where this crossed from camp into ludicrousness for me, to a point where I had to go "okay, some restraint could've been and needed to be shown"... was with tattooing. I know this sounds ridiculous, seeing as these are Art Murderers. But there is a scene in which two people who are very much not experienced with tattooing execute ELABORATE freehand tattoos on each other (and I know they were elaborate, because the book has illustrations--more on that in a minute) and I just. Couldn't. You know, it may be because it's so minor compared to the overall camp of the main plot. It didn't need to happen. I bought into the bone sculpture, but the flawless freehand tattoos done by people who aren't tattoo artists just couldn't pass for me.

I'm not like, mad, but it was so distracting. Freehand tattoos aren't something experienced artists do lightly. It's so easy to fuck up a tattoo. So, seeing as these two characters are nutjobs, I just kind of pictured them walking through the world with the most ridiculous tattoos for the rest of the book, and I couldn't deal.

--As with Brutal Prince, this book is illustrated. I'd say they look a bit better in this copy than the Brutal Prince illustrations did. I'm not mad, I'm good with an illustration.

I'm not as big a fan of the playlist accompanying the novel (complete with a QR code), along with the songs and artists peppered throughout the text. Sophie Lark explains in the note that she's very into music when writing. Respect that. However, I feel that not only supplying a soundtrack for your book but telling readers when to appreciate the songs is... distracting, for one thing. But for another, it takes the reader out of the story and tells them how to feel and when. Your writing should do that. Overall, I think Sophie's writing is capable of doing that. I don't like this method of telling me what to think of a scene or moment.

--On to the content warnings. Yes, Cole and Shaw (Alastor) are serial killers. No, Cole is not a vigilante killer. He just goes "I wanna" and kills people. There is graphic murder on the page. Shaw targets women. Cole does not seem against killing women, but does not have a taste for it as of yet. Mara is attacked by Alastor earlier in the novel; aside from general violence, I would call what happens to her most definitely a sexual assault. She and Cole later have sex in the novel, and during the encounter she tells him "no wait stop" before he moves on to a new experience, and he does not stop. This is not discussed after. The tone of the book is generally dark, though I personally found it more "Evanescence" than "Dexter".

The Sex:

It was fine. It actually take a lot of time for Cole and Mara to start hooking up--and I found multiple scenes in which she teases him and he watches hotter, to be honest, than their sex scene.

It's not because there wasn't interesting stuff going on there. It's because there is an intensely ridiculous anal sex scene. I don't expect anal to be portrayed with perfect accuracy in romance novels. You only have so much time. But this scene was just... beyond. Again, I couldn't deal.

So--if you're curious and not bothered by the subject matter, I'd say give it a shot... provided you have a high tolerance for silliness. Which I do! I didn't have a bad time with this one, I just...... again, was confused. It does end on a bit of a cliffhanger and is part of a duology, so keep that in mind. I'm on to the next book, because I do in fact need to know what happens, so that's a win for Sophie.

Thanks to Bloom Books and Netgalley for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[starredforest]

Not so much an opinion on magic system as it is an opinion on writing magic in general, but imo the key to writing believable magic is that you ALWAYS need to inform your readers when something is possible. You don't need to lay out all the rules, but if one thing magic can do is important to the plot, you NEED to drop hints at SOME point that this is something that can be taken into consideration.

Like. If you tell me "magic exists, and this character can control fire because of magic," the reader is going to assume that magic is the ability to control fire, or maybe the elements in general. If you want to introduce that magic can do other shit later, you need to drop hints early on like "oh I read this book on controlling plants" or "urgh stop reading conspiracy theories EVERYONE knows mind control isn't possible."

Magic systems are bad when they feel like it's "anything goes as the plot demand," because, well, if magic can just do whatever, how can the reader ever understand the stakes in any given situation? Maybe blorbo is in danger and about to die and I should be worried! Or maybe they'll just whip out necromancy unprompted. And that's anticlimatic af.

Dunno if it answers your question, but hope it helps! Sorry for the long ask!

i feel at odds w this response a little, because in my HEART i know that both.

characters are stronger for things like them having believable limits in what they do and do not know. characters feel more like a functioning person with skills if they know off the top of their head what their skills and capabilities are.

magic by its very nature is arcane and mysterious. In fiction, it could lend a LOT to a narrative if a character discovers something new in a sufficiently cool way. As for sudden abnormal magic that tops out on in-universe power scales, it can be really fucking cool when someone pulls out something that you strictly didn't know they were physically capable of, and neither did they. So long as their character supports that growth in a meaningful way.

I think you can avoid this feeling completely bullshit if you establish that something like that is still fully capable of existing in the realm of the fictions reality. Or at least establish themes centered around whatever actions the character takes.

i'd like to say it comes easier for me to say I enjoy magic at its most when it feels firmly rooted in the fiction itself. it might not to be contextually evident, but if its got a firm grasp on the narrative itself I'm generally cool with some sudden tomfoolery.

[noxrynne]

uhhhhh this site sucks i had to edit this four times to get the thing to actually do thee cut goddamn its more cuz its a block'a text no one should be forced to scroll THAT long over sheesh

Just putting it under a read more as people really hate the animation/show and the weird thing is it's one of the few times I think I've related to a character present in it (who is usually the topic of everyone's derision) in such a way where it's like looking in a mirror when I was... god, fucking 12 - 22~, and kind of it clicking in my head what was wrong with me. Not like, full picture, but. I don't know, I never really related to a character like this before and it's weird. Not necessarily in a bad way, either. Like, it makes me uncomfortable. Sure, but it's kind of... a healthy discomfort, for me at least. To see it all laid out in this way where it... and I feel pathetically stupid for this, clicked in my head why someone from my trans therapy group yelled at me after they realized how I was treating myself. I went through a lot of similar dark places. I behaved in similar ways. I got yelled at, like I deserved, but never understood why someone cared. I've been working on self improvement in this area for a while, and it's absolutely the hardest one. And a lot of it did, maybe stupidly? Begin with this character and some of the songs that followed, and now I'm really thinking back on it since my boyfriend and I watched the newly released show and. There's a scene that hit me really hard. I don't think it didn't belong there. It nailed in the idiot part of my brain the "see? other people have problems like that. Know people like that. Are treated that way, too. It's not that there's something wrong with you, intrinsically. Just a dash of rotten luck and collapsing in on yourself in the aftermath." It took it seriously, in a context that meshed with my brain to where I felt like "yeah, that's. That's at least. How I felt. Pretty much. When I was treated like that. Brushed it off and turned it into jokes, too." I don't wanna get into all the nitty gritty details, because they aren't pretty and I still have to contend with it. But it felt kinda... mmm, I don't know, like when I saw so many people shitting on it - saying it doesn't belong, in fact, this should never be portrayed, it's immoral to portray this and so on. I have such a warped view of... the topic, I guess? But I mean, it did help me contextualize a few things better that I've been struggling to. And I found a lot of comfort in that uncomfortable scene because of that. And... like, I know I have a... how do I phrase it, like a... not... normal view? Since I... like, was kinda... I mean. Like. I. I don't know. I mean I know. I just. You know. But I don't know, like. I feel nervous talking about it, because of the media property it's related to and how strongly people feel about it. And, I mean, I know the healthy answer is to just be "fuck it, you're allowed" but I guess I just think back to all the times things I liked/cared about were shit on and feel like "Should... I feel... guilty? Because I kinda do. And I don't think I should. But maybe I should? Is there something to it or... something that I don't get?" and yeah this is about Angel Dust in Hazbin Hotel. yeah this is the character story that got me to (even with the pilot/songs) try to actually tackle this shit 'cuz I still can't get myself to physically talk about these things irl. and. idk. its. mm. its hard to really feel like im. i just. i dont talk about it much at all 'cuz i dont wanna annoy people if they hate the show 'n stuff 'cuz i know ppl feel strongly and. yeah. so i over explained it because a part of me wanted to express a kinda... happiness that a story got me to think better about myself. and i dont. understand why there's so many like. snap judgments or vitriol, i guess.

[lilygetshomesucked]

honestly like i'm glad that i kept reading past the trolls' introduction even tho it was pretty abrasive and difficult for me personally (that and my ADHD are why i went ghost and stopped reading for foreverrrr). i think that getting introduced to the quandrants did fucking WONDERS for me for understanding how exactly the trolls Work in terms of interpersonal relations and it contextualized everything i'd seen already so well that i sort of wish it'd been introduced sooner? i feel like the story goes for so long showing you just the absolute worst sides of these people and makes you marinate in it and it would've been nice to get that piece of the puzzle earlier i guess

but like anyways i'm really enjoying them now, ESPECIALLY now that the story has caught back up to the human gang and i get to see them interact while having full context for both sides. karkat falling in weird troll hate soulmate love with john is fucking hilarious and vriska's dynamic with john is also a ton of fun. i'm finding myself actually looking forward to seeing more of these gray assholes surprisingly!!

this is a longer post than usual i just have a lot of thoughts lskdfjlkskfj. oh oh also!! i feel like i don't quite understand things?? again??? which sucks. but after spending so much time away from it and also with the nature of the beast as it is i'm not super surprised, and knowing that i'll get a recap at some point helps to soothe my pain but it hurts my pride that i have to use those to understand homestuck lol. it's ok i can be dumb i'm allowed to :))

also also now that i've got more context for the trolls and everything i'm really starting to having to face the fact that this story is gonna fucking SHINE when being read a second time and i'm a fiend for rereading media i love so that SUCKS FOR ME LMAO i'm gonna end up reading this shit a second time at some point. maybe even a third if i get normal enough idk it's sort of fucking massive but that didn't stop me with reading one piece three times so

anyway thems my thoughts back to reading!!!!! yippee!!

[causticsunshine]

If you don't like a person do go follow them/their actions. It's stupid to do that and then cry about it. If you don't think someone has the same ideals as you, leave them, you speculating or saying you don't like them isn't doing anything. This is for the anon as well as you. Maybe if you don't like someone, don't interact with them. It's that simple

wow apparently you can't call someone out because you care anymore either, guys! pack it up! i guess when you call someone out to do or be better it automatically means you don't like them anymore, or that you've been hate-following them, so you should just eradicate them completely from your life!

it's literally always this argument with you people when someone critiques the actions of a famous person/celebrity you like. clearly you're missing the mindset or nuance of 'i speak up because i care' and it's honestly people like you that make me despise the general fanbase ideology around irl people, because so many of you seem to think if someone isn't onboard with everything someone does, it automatically means you don't like them and you should just leave. but wow, crazy, that's not always how life works? that's not really how most interpersonal relationships, or to a degree, parasocial relationships, work. or how they SHOULD work. of course, this depends on what the thing IS that you don't like and the impact it has on you or others that often leads to speaking up, dealing with it and moving forward, or cutting someone out of your life, but that's all case specific. that's what we often call nuance.

in this case, if you care about or like someone enough to want them to do better, how are they going to do that if you just stay quiet, let them get away with things, or leave? do you think they're gonna notice a handful of people not watching their movies, buying their albums, interacting with their posts, what have you? of course not. and they're not going to just assume we've got an issue either if no one's speaking up, or is only whispering nice things in their ear, or the ears of their PR teams.

speaking up or out when it comes to the actions of someone with reach or power is important, because their words will reach more people--as will their silence. and that's what we've been seeing so far from a lot of people, including ones we like: silence.

also, wherein did i say in my last ask that i didn't like anyone? clearly you just don't like it when people you like or people within the realm of your interests get addressed or called out for things. maybe it makes you uncomfortable, maybe you believe your parasocial relationship is 'special', maybe you just have a convoluted way of looking at these things, but it's not my job to psychoanalyze why that is. in general though, dumbing everything down into a black or white issue or good versus bad and removing the contextual nuance to a situation is going to make your life very hard in the longrun because, newsflash! most things in life require fun little things like context and nuance to help us determine how to handle them!

i'm sorry you don't seem to understand that it's important for as many people as possible, with tiny circles to worldwide reach, to at the very fucking least speak up when thousands upon thousands of people are being actively displaced and tortured and murdered whilst several of our countries' governments are twiddling their thumbs letting it happen for the sake of money and power! if you see us wanting better and for more people to use their voices for good as simply a like versus dislike issue, that's something you're really gonna need to work on, pal.

[evil-wakes-in-vengeance]

Sorry but I don't know who Ash is. I think I understand what you're saying though. You mean that you feel alone because the people in your life only get you on a surface level, and aren't reaching the deeper parts of your soul making you feel fulfilled and understood? Correct me if I'm wrong. Stoicism doesn't mean you don't also feel things, it's just about choosing what things to give a fuck about. Feeling often causes people to act against their own mind and wishes, wouldn't you agree? Everyone is prone to bouts of indecision and mistakes when they opt to choose their feelings over rationale. Life is just one long trial and error. Good for you that you don't stop pursuing life though

Yes exactly they see what I allow them to see , and there's many a reason for that. My friendships are complicated and usually consist of an objective , not a legitimate friendship (not all mind) . And yeh I guess having someone who sees behind my bullshit would be nice , I haven't always been like this . And yes of course feelings make you act irrationally and I guess in relation to your previous statement of allowing toxic relations into my life that would be emotion driven and most likely a residing codependency issue , I can see it all but the key word here would be "emotions" as much as I may not want to feel a certain way or allow certain things , we all know that emotions are greater than all, hence why fear exists , if fear didn't exist a lot of people wouldn't experience lonliness or any other complications in there life at all. There are people around me your right but what's there true intentions ? Because I can see it as clear as day , and if you know me on. Personal level (if you even know me at all ?) Maybe you can see there intentions to ? My loneliness has much deeper meaning than you could anticipate simply because maybe you don't know my entire story if you did I think maybe you'd understand , it's all contextual .

Who the fuckery is this ? Haha.

I had someone else message me on Tumblr years ago whom I never identified and it bothers me to this day. Help me out here lol.

I know usually my anons when they happen consist of someone who is somewhat close to me but has a fear ow saying something , if that is the case you most likely have nothing to fear.

Also I am skeletal remains so, you attract what you are would be the answer to that. Your welcome , you , anon , person who's identity will bother me excritiatingly .