#it wouldve been infinitely more funny

[prognostik-a2]

just finished and watched all of andersen’s resident evil films so that you don’t have to

[shoezuki]

expand on literal angel of death au immediately or i will combust (please)

ANON IVE BEEN THINKING AND I DIDNT INTEND THIS TO BECOME AN ACTUAL AU BUT. HERE WE ARE HUH

anyways. ideas. i was actually like thinking of an indie game i wanted to replay called death and taxes. although im So Sure next to no one is gonlike. know that gamek jhslgh. but its Kinda still based round that.

so: philza is an angel of death. but the idea of death is nowhere near what youd think. no heaven or hell really. the closest thing to it is. an office building. 

Death aka. kristin is like the ceo and she can see infinitely into every mortal’s life and she’s eternally existing and has the ability to see into the future, the past, and any possible timelines the world will go down. and sometimes mortals need to die. 

its not malicious of her and its no ‘for the greater good’ type thing. its to keep. like. to keep things normal. whether its something extremely small like some dude hs to die or he’ll step on a plant that wouldve Maybe produced a lot of oxygen in the future, or a guy has to die otherwise he’ll take over entire countries and will lead to the world’s destruction. 

So death finds these cases, considers some cases where something could Result from some deaths, or maybe not. and these ‘angels’ choose which they believe is the most important or will have the most/least impact. cuz thats a LOT of shit for her to sift thru yknow n like so these angels can choose if that one guy chokes on his food, or if that Particular Tree goes up in flames. the nature division hates their jobs

but sometimes. people just Wont Die. 

it can take a few times like. a few papers written and reports filed. but in REALLY special cases. the ‘angels’ gotta get out there and Deal with it. 

most angels dont wanna do this because theyre all assholes and ‘too good’ for goin back to mortal planes n shit. but PHILZA. phil is ALWAYS the one kristin sends out. 

phil jus like. he likes that shit. not the Killing part always but whatever thats just a chore like. not bad not good its just. death. and sometimes on these Tasks he takes months or years or decades because it can be Delicate Work okay. and so what if he makes a house to himself and journey’s the world and makes friends and just Lives down there. he always kills em in the end

He gets tasked to go kill technoblade. he wasnt actually the first one given this job. but no one could do it. theyve been trying to kill him for Years practically since he was born. somehow someway he always just. steps out of the way. whether its skilled assassins who Conveniently mistake him for someone else or even a starved pack of wolves where they dont even naturally live. he just Wont Die. 

But Whatever phil goes out and this kids kinda funny. piglin dont usually make much of an impact especially in the overworld so thats notable. he doesnt know What exactly techno will do thats So Influencial he has to Die. they arent given that information. but it MUST be Something. at some point he wonders if kristin jus hates that hes avoided death so long but nahhhhh cmonnnnnn

but like. phil watches this kid a bit. maybe round when hes in his teens or something. and hes FUNNY and interesting and for once phil doesnt fuck off to build a house because hes bored. 

he watches techno fight tooth and nail in combat, taking anyone on, being awkward and uncomfortable without sword in his hands at any point in time. he sleeps with a knife in his hands and barely speaks a word to anyone and keeps more room for books in his traveling gear than food. Phil sees him free a remote village from their oppressive upper class one day and then the next day he follows cool animal tracks into the forest and gets so fucking lost and phil is like okay yea im keepin this one. 

phil Somehow Someway gets himself to meet techno organically. no words of who he is or What he is. sometimes people whisper of him as the ‘angel of death’ and rumours that he has lived for eons but no one knows how Literal it is. 

next thing they know they are forming a mock empire and fucking with entire countries by taking over entire continents and phil is having a blast. death is kinda like ‘yeah okay that is funny.’ and is all ok babe have fun :) as if they arent supposed to kill technoblade

[char-lotteral]

I would've liked if the last was structured different. The story stays the same but it's different. Here me out :

the movie could've opened up with Naruto randomly thinking about his life because he's not the kid people used to hate. Then he remembers the comrades he made along the way. You can still have him acknowledge his crush on Sakura and have him question the crush. Then have him remembering people who supported him first like jiraya etc. Then BOOM have him remember his conversations with Hinata. Not the Haha funny moments but the one that have meaning. Like when he told neji he was going to make him pay. Have him question his moments with Hinata. Have him wondering if there are maybe possibly other reasons why she was always there 4 him. The story plays the same way of course. Toneri kidnaps hanabi bla bla bla. They go on a mission bla bla bla. They save the world bla bla bla.

I think if it begun that way, it would've been more natural with Naruto's perspective. Like we could still Hinata's perspective too but it would be better. I seriously thought that's how they would tell The Last. I mean it's so obvious and easy 👀.

me too!! What I would have preferred is if they began the show with moments after the war or scenes when they were 17-18 yrs old. Scenes from the blank period, how most fans would name it. I mean, it was canonically mentioned that they did in fact grow closer after the war so why not show those scenes where Naruto ever so slowly grows more fond of Hinata? Imo, the game protrayed those blank period scenes really well. They were cute as heck so i recommend watching them

I understand what the movie was going for, I really do. I get that Naruto didnt fall in love with Hinata, he realized he was in love. But the way they executed it made it seem like he only fell for her because "oh wow! she likes me?! dang i think i kinda like her too"

NO BUT LIKE IMAGINE THIS IN THE MOVIE.

Instead of the flashbacks about their childhood, the movie starts off with a scene immediately after the war where Nart lost his arm after the fight and Hinata comes running to him and Naruto is so relieved to see she's alright because he was worried as heck for her when he heard her call in the midst of the Tsukuyomi attack

Fast forward, maybe a short clip of Hinata taking care of Nart when he was armless. Then montages of them gradually hanging out together, Sakura teasing him, Kakashi forcing them to go on missions together, them having ramen dates but theyre not really dates. They couldve fit all of that in 20 minutes or so, like??? gAAhhHH

I also had this scene in mind where they went out on a mission together but there was a snow storm and they got trapped in an abandoned cave. They bond more, Naruto eats her bentos and he's all like. "Your bentos taste so good! Who taught you how to cook?" and she replies sadly "My mother" she then traces back to her memories of her mom, how she taught her to cook, how she'd prepare snacks and bentos for her and Hanabi, because for some fucking reason she wasnt mentioned in the series and Nart is like "Yknow, Ive actually met my mom once, but I wouldnt know what a mom would do with her kids." And they confide in each other about the loss of their mothers, he gushes about how he wished he had his mom's hair color, and THATS where Hinata gets the idea of knitting him a red scarf, the same color as his mother's hair. Genius? I know.

Its just, they have sooo much in common, theyre actually a lot similar if you think about it, which makes their dynamic all the more heartwarming! Hinata would know the giref of not having a mother growing up, the feeling of being ostricized by the people around you, the lonely childhood they had to go through. Theyre both the kindest and most empathetic people on the show!! I mean, theyre complete opposites but they are so much alike. You get me??

Maybe Hinata wouldnt understand the full extent of his pain BUT she would definitely understand the feeling of being shunned and ignored by the people around her. She would know what being inivisible would feel like and I'd like to think they talk about that with each other in their down time :,))

ANW BACK TO THE STORY HAHAHAHAH

The storm is gone and then Nart is like "Hey, after this, wanna visit Neji together?" then she smiles and nods and next scene~

If they started off with that, it wouldve established to the audience that they indeed grew closer after the war and it would also explain Hinata's more comfortable atmosphere around Nart. Maybe then it wouldnt seem all too out of the blue

I also wished they talked about Naruto's crush with Sakura and how he moved on. I think I kinda get what she meant by "You only liked me because of your rivalry with Sasuke right?" The way I see it, Naruto always vied for attention as a kid, he has this sort of hero complex, always on top, always the one to get the prettiest girl. To which the prettiest girl in class was Sak. Which explains the whole rivalry thing.

I actually have some thoughts about his feelings for Sak and how it was completely different with his love for Hinata but its kinda long so hehe, if youre interested, my asks are open ;D

Then the whole Hyuga/Otsutsuki drama starts. Hanabi gets kidnapped blabla Shikamaru team blabla AND NOW THE GENJUTSU WAHH

OKAY IMAGINE THIS. HINATA'S CONFESSION SCENE RIGHT? BUT WHAT IF THEY DID THIS WHOLE TRANSITION THING WITH MINAKUSHI'S SACRIFICE. THEYD DO KUSHINA/HINATA PARALLELS

Theyd replay the scene where Kushina jumps in front of Naruto just when he was about to be killed by Kurama and match it with Hinata jumping in front of Pain. Then Kushina's words "Find someone just like me" would be repeated over and over again

Hinata's I love you and put it side by side with Kushina's I love you

The red scarf with Kushina's scarf.

Their infinite love for Nart. AaAAAAAAAA THE POSSIBILITIES!!!!!!!

THAT WOULDVE BEEN SO CUTE AND COOL.

And by the end of the genjutsu scene, Kushina would hug him for the last time and ask him with loving eyes,

"Have you found her yet? Becuase I think you might already have."

AND SCENE

WAHHHHHH T^T

Aand then everything after that stays the same ig. Except for that cage scene. I freaking hated that.

BuT BESIDES THAT. THEY HAD ALLLLLL THE OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY AROUND A LITTLE AND USE THE BLANK TWO YEARS BUT NOOOOO LEAVE IT TO THE FANS IMAGINATION. AGAIN!!!$*@($&

dont get me wrong i LOVE the movie but I have all the right to critique it and give it my two cents while also being a very big slut for Narhina :DDDD

[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[charlieism]

i am THINKING....... about the fact that our ancestors are going to be able to remember us in such vastly different ways than we remember OUR ancestors because of, y'know, the internet and stuff and the vast, infinite amount of information that is stored everywhere i mean even when we're dead there's going to be our old messages, our old photos and selfies, the memes we made, the stupidest fucking videos we film, our jokes and the things we love and how we speak and what we look like, we post them constantly and theyre just everywhere!! and people in the future are going to be able to look back and see all that!!!! theyll be able to watch our 2am videos!!!!!! we're going to be ghosts but we're gonna linger on bc we have so much access to technology and ways to store information, especially visually thru videos and photos now!!!! its like, we think of victorians and shit as all uptight and serious bc thats what the photos and their writings etc have portrayed to us but if the people after us can See how we acted normally, and hear how we spoke, not just in the serious/educational/important moments we wanted recorded but in the dumb moments with our friends where we're loving too hard at jokes that arent even funny, or making faces at the camera, or doing buckwild shit for the fun of it, then what will their opinion of us be? it'll be so different!!!

and NOW im thinking abt OUR opinions of our ancestors and its like bitch they had teenagers too!!! boys wouldve been boys back then as well!! girls wouldve been batshit back then As Well!!!!!!!! we just didnt see that recorded enough!!!!!!!!!! basically i cant stop thinking abt memes and teenagers and the little moments and jokes we share thoughtlessly on the internet every single day, and if they'll be remembered in the future considering theyre everywhere, how they'll be remembered, if any teenager 50 or 100 years from now will stumble upon an old video from 2020 and think oh, they were like me. or if the internet will even be an accessible source of information then, or if anything 'old' like this will be able to be recovered after being buried under 100 years worth of other random shit people post. god. what is our legacy going to be, what will people remember our generation's personality as now that there remains more firsthand information about us than any generation beforehand? its not even 10pm but i cant stop thinking. im so excited for the future, i want to live long enough to see even a little bit of it.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

either it was a case of a) ignoring obvious context clues or b) forgetting outright statements in the books or most likely c) both, but i didnt Get that lucius malfoy had been the like head death eater pre-voldemorts quasideath. it makes sense obviously but it makes everything even more ironic? poetic? whatever that basically voldemorts handling of the malfoys was one of the most dumbassed things he did, both by complete accident/coincidence/luck and by voldemorts own crappy choices which make it infinitely easier to off him like i hadnt really thought about it in an organized fashion before knowing that lucius used to be #1 but i guess that just made it more beautiful or something. because its in part all great and heartwarming and stuff that the good choices of good people doing their best does lead to direct successes, but its also great when things that arent supposed to be important or even relevant come into play and small undignified things end up being as crucial as the more grand and dramatic stuff. plus, dumbledore is representing the Man With A Long Con Plan, and he sucks. whereas harry is always just playing by ear and doing all the real work out here anyways it all also makes sense why draco malfoy remains so prominent throughout the series, even in say, book 4, where he truly does nothing impactful save tell harry he sucks and be transfigured into a ferret by a death eater. he's in the top ten characters per mention re: the series as a whole, and even stays in the top twenty chars by mention in dh, where he's hardly even around. i know this from trivia games. and he's like the first hogwarts peer harry meets, right. but the point is despite being introduced as a rival who seems to be heading towards simply being a nuisance, his tangential arc is not only important even when he's only being an annoying dumbass but also voldemort's own bullshit causing his own demise like firstly, it was useful that lucius malfoy was Death Eater Man The First because he essentially raised his child in a cult in an attempt to pretty much clone himself, which sort of worked until like, book 6. which, a fun fact if you overlook these kinds of connect-the-dots clues in the books like i do, means it makes sense why draco made an attempt to befriend harry in the first place and why that attempt was so blindingly crappy: that pre-voldemorts return, former death eaters thought harry potter might turn out to be the next mega evil wizard, so it was probably a lucius-endorsed maneuver, what with it being repeatedly established that lucius's strategy in things is to associate himself with powerful people and try to gain influence and protection that way. but when harry was like fuck off with that, draco realized that harry was just an sjw, even though technically antagonizing hp was not lucius-endorsed. and the cult thing comes into play both in the worst friendship offering of all time and in draco wanting to knock harry down a peg at all times, in that not only was draco brought up on the belief of wide concepts like wizpremacy and blood purity and a voldemort renaissance would be amazing and death eaters are the best, but also the concept that as a pureblood and a malfoy they had an elitism that would be recognized anywhere, so not only should harry have been interested in befriending him and recognizing him as top quality but so should the whole god damn school, neither of which happened, so he takes it all out on harry on account of being jealous and a little shit but maybe that self-appointed rivalry wouldve died down if harry hadn't also been drawn into the pettiness of it all, thank god for it, because it is a) vital to murdering voldemort and b) pretty funny sometimes, when thats the context of the situation, on account of draco's role fluctuating between harmless annoyance to actual threat/antagonist even within the same books. e.g. how in poa, he's sort of indirectly causing real problems via hippogriff executions, but at the same time the part where he shows up and has snape make ron and harry do his potion for him is a little hilarious. i think ron hit him in the face with a crocodile heart in CoS, maybe. potions is where its all happening. but anyways, the point is that harry kind of drags draco along in remaining relevant because theyre both dumb as hell, and immature. like, draco's relevant in the first book because all the little things are more relevant to harry then and he's presumably not happy about once again being hated for no good reason. and in the second one, the trio think draco is the heir of slytherin for a while. he has the buckbeak thing in the third book, in goblet of fire he's really just there in the background being annoying, unhelpful, racist, etc, as per usual but its all so unimportant i barely remember half of what he's even doing in that book. but anyways, like with the other books, despite being outstripped as a real "threat" in harry's world by that point, its still important he's relevant in the fifth book as well, because he's obviously important in the sixth but in a way that started in the fifth book, which means by extension its a way that started in books 1-4 as well because in book 5, even though for once he has some mild direct form of power besides the really powerful yet indirect factor of having a rich dad involved in politics, malfoy still doesnt really manage much. until he manages the fairly major victory of raiding dumbledores army. which didnt turn out to be important since they got out of that tight spot, but it was important because it introduced draco to the room of requirement the 6th book is like, its funny that the reason harry suspected malfoy so much besides seeing a sort of suspicious conversation or two, is mostly just that he's got a grudge against him and also is wondering why draco seems to have gotten a hobby besides annoying him all the time, which is funny because its just accurate. and also relies on their history in all the previous books. but what was really up was that, again, voldemort was ruining everything for himself. on account of deciding to make an example of the malfoys as a way of punishing lucius for totally botching the dept of mysteries thing. like, thats great and all, but it kind of backfires in the whole death-eater-cult thing draco had going on in that he was seeing evidence that being a death eater actually was the worst and everyone was jerks, and that the guy he was modeling himself after was now the lowest amongst them, and voldemorts a dick and his return is actually shitty, and again that they arent seen as The Best for being malfoys, and things arent The Best because voldemorts back, but instead it is bullshit and theyre considered the worst for being malfoys. and the whole Cult Teaching Style really backfires in that sense since when parts of it get disproved to someone the whole thing is now liable to collapse too. and his execution mission was Useful in a load of ways. including that besides the regular voldemort stress there was the stress of malfoy figuring out he wasn't actually up for murder re: katie bell and ron almost dying in the crossfire. which you'd think he mightve thought of before voldemort returned with all his murder agenda, but maybe he really did just assume he'd make a great stone cold killer. presumably there wasnt a lot of thinking shit through about taking on the whole mission in the first place anyways, then the room of requirement is important because he needs it to actually succeed, which apparently none of the masterminds behind the whole thing (voldemort, dumbledore, snape) accounted for. and that whole deal on the astronomy tower just did the important stuff of a) proving to draco that he can't actually kill anyone and b) showing harry that draco disarmed dumbledore, for the whole elder wand business and then the other reason that voldemort inadvertently turned the malfoys against him was that, by sending their son off to die while simultaneously antagonizing them at all times, of course he made the situation such that by the 7th book even bullshit lucius is really mostly interested in their family making it out alive, which as per usual means doing whatever it takes with whoevers on top to do so. total #malfoys, ttly slytherin. but anyways? honestly? there were such infinitely better ways to use the fact that the malfoy family actually gave a shit about each other besides "you did this wrong so i'll kill your kid as punishment." on account of that just gives them reason to resent voldemort, would have left them with a lot less to lose should draco have actually died (did voldemort expect dumbledore to actually kill a 16-yr old who was one of his students or something? he sucks but hes a lot more passive in his negligence towards his student body), it was a waste of draco's potential use on account of he was clearly not only more competent than voldemort expected but also? he had been raised from birth to think voldemort was the best and his rule would be the best and being a death eater would be the best. and voldemort not only threw away a would-be useful death eater to die but also basically disillusioned draco of all his ideas about what life w voldemort around was like. and then theres the fact that, since voldemort knew lucius and narcissa cared enough about draco to suffer at his death, why wouldn't he have instead essentially used draco as a hostage to have their motivation be centered around that rather than gaining or maintaining status. its not like there were that many powerful death eaters at his disposal. i mean, narcissa is probably on the level of the best of them yet her abilities are really never called upon. like, she was ready to kill or die for draco, when she gave draco her wand it meant both she and lucius didnt have a wand at that point but she wasnt fucking around. and voldemort considered draco throwaway anyways and thought the best card he could play was to kill him? when he was that valuable to such powerful people? okay pal, sure. i mean probably he really didnt realize the extent to which the malfoys (particularly narcissa lbr, the saving grace of moms theme) actually cared about draco as their kid and not just like family honor shit or whatever, since thats a theme with him and then of course, besides voldemorts wasted opportunities there, draco's whole suicide-mission-that-actually-worked-out came into play when the trio gets caught by death eaters in dh and brought to his house and draco doesn't narc harry over to voldemort. on account of its fairly established to him by that point that he's not about killing anyone, even if it would moreso redeem his family to turn him in or be kind of anti-voldemort not to. this is useful when a) it means voldemort doesnt show up and murder harry a few times and b) it means harry's also alive to bust out and get some wands from draco. which he would also need for the elder wand business and which he would recognize as a crucial advantage because he'd witnessed draco disarm dumbledore because voldemort was a dumbass and gave him that mission and he could do it via the room of requirement which he found because of antagonizing harry during year 5 because of the longstanding feud he and harry had maintained ever since the hogwarts express ride before year 1 when their interaction stemmed from draco's dad being a major death eater player and then anyways despite kind of getting in harrys way again in the room of requirement which is a whole bit that feels almost nostalgic in that situation, with the battle being elsewhere and the broomsticks and everyone just taking a moment in the hall afterwards to be like jesus christ i need a gatorade. but it was useful in harry saving draco from dying then, which was funny with ron's line about if we die for them i'll kill you, but yknow harrys spontaneous heroics and neither him nor malfoy being interested in the other actually dying or anything. and then them saving malfoy again from some random death eater, which was an even more optional life saving maneuver. technically harry couldve lied i guess, but it was relevant when his life depended on telling narcissa that draco was alive in hogwarts as far as he knew. i dont think he realized why she was asking and what the effects of his answer would be until after he'd actually done so, so i guess its not as though he had the chance to weigh the option of lying anyways. plus, all that spontaneous heroics stuff and harry not being a particularly good liar and the thing that i cant remember if its canon or inferred theory that narcissa is a really good occlumens/legilimens, whereas harry is bullshit at that. but anyways, what was really important there was The Theme, aka that moms keep saving the world via the sake of their kids. and for that to happen in a literary sense draco had to be alive, even though maybe the intent wouldve counted, who knows, whatever anyways and then of course its relevant again when harry doesnt kill voldemort with his own twin wand even though that would be the dramatic and strategic thing to do, but with a wand he happened to snatch on improv of some rando bullshit student in his year who voldemort tried to have killed off because he's a wipe and terrible at everything, which is also how the horcruxes thing played out. and he keeps underestimating everyones mom. and thats how draco despite seeming largely useless for most of the series winds up being so useful he's mentioned in the final confrontation with voldemort right up to the point of harry actually killing voldemort. and its all because of death eaterdom doing itself in and voldemort doing himself in too and because draco and harry happened to have a mutual stubborn pettiness going on, but not so much so that they were going to let the other get killed. what with them being 17 and everyone having some god damn sense, particularly malfoy with his sense-gaining experience of the year prior and the whole not being twelve factor tldr the themes are: harrys spontaneous heroics, voldemorts self-destructive lack of comprehension of Love, your mom, and being a petty shithead and having a few ridiculous happenstantial encounters are whats important