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iamanartichoke · 3 years

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I wasn't sure if I was going to post this, but I may as well.

I keep starting to reply to things and then stopping bc the words just aren't there, and I suppose I figured out the core of what bothers me so much (and is making me have such a rollercoaster of a fan experience) about the show.

(cut for length)

It's not well-written. My opinion is my opinion, so I'm saying this subjectively, take it or leave it, but ... I feel that it's not well-written. The overall story is fine, and the plot is fine, but I don't know if it's because of the limited number of episodes not being enough to house the story, or because of the relative inexperience of the writer/showrunner+director, or both, or something else, but -

In an earlier reaction post to episode 4, I mentioned really wanting to sink my teeth into all of the subtext I picked up on. That was what made me initially enjoy the episode so much - there were a lot of little moments that I initially felt revealed so much about the characters and about Loki, and I wanted to analyze them. But at some point, as I gathered more information, my perspective changed and now I no longer want to analyze the subtext bc ... subtext = good. Subtext w/out payoff = not as good.

I'll go into more detail in a moment, but I think the tl;dr of it is that I feel like the narrative requires the audience to work way too hard to put together all of the moving pieces here and, like, I kinda just don't want to do that work? Not so much of it, and not in vain. A lot of the enjoyment of Loki's characterization is coming from fans who are rationalizing why he's behaving as he is, but the narrative never actually confirms those rationalizations. It's asking us to figure it out and maybe our conclusions will be correct but maybe they won't, though. At some point, subtext isn't enough without explicit follow-through.

I thought my issue was with the lack of character development - that is, not having enough narrative space to really earn the big things that are happening now, like Loki/Sylvie or Mobius turning against the TVA. And that's still true, to an extent; I still feel like the pacing is all very off and it seems like most of these things kinda came out of nowhere (but are not unbelievable - just undeveloped).

But, yknow, it is what it is, it's a limited series, and I can excuse some things. Ultimately, my issue isn't a problem with what the narrative isn't doing, it's a problem with what the narrative already failed to do and probably cannot recover from at this point.

The narrative has left out significant details that should at least help us do some of the work here. If a person turned on Loki and started episode 1 and had no background knowledge of the character besides that he tried to take over New York - how would that person interpret Loki? Would that person say, oh, well, he's been through X, Y, and Z, and plus A happened, not to mention B, C, and D, so really, it makes sense that he seems off-the-rails, or that he'd want to get ridiculously drunk at the worst time ever.

Maybe we'd like to believe they would, but how would they be getting to that conclusion? The narrative hasn't led them in that direction so, no, they would not say well we have to consider this, this, and that. It would be impossible to really understand Loki as a character from just what we've gotten in the series. The general audience would probably interpret Loki as being out of his element and so it becomes, I wonder how this character is going to get the upper hand here. And, while that's not wrong, it's just so limited.

The narrative at face value does not address Loki's identity crisis from Thor 2011. It does not address his hurt and devastation at being lied to, nor does it address how complicated his self-image is (bc it sucked to begin with and that was before he found out he was part of a race of "monsters," as he'd been taught his entire life). It does not reference Loki being so broken at the end of Thor 2011 that he deliberately let himself fall into the void of space (aka tried to kill himself). It does not reference that he was tortured by Thanos or even that he went through a seriously dark time in between Thor and Avengers, and it absolutely does not reference or address any influence or control of the mind stone.

These are all things that we, the fan audience, know because we've already invested our time into this character's story. But tons of people, the general audience, wouldn't know these things. Or if they did, bc they saw Thor and Avengers, they wouldn't be thinking about them as deeply as we would, nor contextualizing them with how Loki is behaving now, or why it would make sense that he needed to get drunk, or why it's understandable that he needs to keep going-going-going in order to not have a spare second to think or feel.

They'd probably look at Loki, again, as a character who was a villain and is now getting his comeuppance in a place where he has no power or control, and no literal powers, and even when he manages to escape and catch up to the variant, he proceeds to fuck up their plan for seemingly no real reason except that he wanted to get drunk bc he's hedonistic. Which Sylvie even berates him for! I mean. This is not exactly a complex character breakdown, nor a very flattering one, but that's what the narrative has given us.

(If the narrative has addressed Loki's mind control, his torture, his mental breakdown, his suicide attempt, and his general shitty self-esteem as a result of his upbringing, please point it out to me. If the narrative has explicitly acknowledged and referenced these things anywhere and I am missing it, please show me where. Please explain to me how the casual viewer would know any of these things that they need to know in order to actually understand what's happening in this story.)

So I mean, okay, we have a narrative that doesn't paint a full, accurate picture of Loki. Fine, sure. But because the general audience starts out on the wrong footing, they're not going to get out of the overall story what the writers probably intended them to. For example, in episode 3, a lot of us theorized that Loki had some kind of plan - that he broke the timepad on purpose, for some reason, bc otherwise it wasn't believable that he'd be such a failure. But episode 4 revealed that no, there was no bigger plan, Loki just plain old messed up. Which is fine if, again, one is only considering the surface-level portrayal here, but it's not true to Loki's actual characterization.

I mean. Loki is not perfect and Loki actually fails a lot, this is true. He fails for a lot of reasons, but incompetence has never been one of them. Usually it's that either things grew beyond his control, or there ended up being too many moving parts, or he had to change his plan at the last minute due to some roadblock or another being thrown his way, or even that he got in his own way - whatever the case may be for his plans' failures, he was always at least shown to know what he was doing.

That wasn't the case here. The "plan" to fix the Timepad failed as a direct result of Loki's actions, which were careless and made him seem incompetent, like he couldn't even handle this mission. "You had one job," etc. And there were pretty big consequences for this; they were not able to get off-world in time and would have been killed had the TVA not shown up at the last second.

And maybe none of these things matter bc the writers never intended any of this to be a reflection on Loki's character, positive or negative. The situation exists solely because the writers needed to put Loki and Sylvie together in some kind of hopeless scenario so that they could get closer, and thus the narrative could set up their romance. I get that - but, there were other ways to do it that didn't require Loki to look foolish.

Furthermore, the whole reason they needed to set up the romance is to show Loki eventually learning to love himself (like, figuratively but also literally). The audience is supposed to gather that Loki and Sylvie fell for one another, possibly due to the high emotional aspect of, yknow, being about to die (in addition to the variant-bond). The intent is clear: Loki and Sylvie almost die but get rescued at the last minute, having now created an emotional bond --> Loki and Sylvie team up and the narrative further establishes that Loki, at least, has caught feelings --> Loki might confess them but is pruned before he gets the chance --> he somehow survives, he and Sylvie are reunited and don't want to lose one another again, and the combined power of their love is enough to break the sacred timeline and spawn the multiverse, and the reason that the power of their love is so, well, powerful is because it's about self-love and self-acceptance as much as it is about having the capacity to love someone else. The end.

I get all that. The writers more or less said all that. And, I mean, it's certainly not the way I would have chosen to go about it, but it's a fair enough arc to explore. I don't really have an issue with the intent - but my question, however, is this: if the narrative has so far not addressed Loki's background issues (as outlined above), and has furthermore kinda gone out of its way to portray Loki as hedonistic and narcissistic, among other things (like kinda incompetent), and the context the audience starts with is that Loki's this villain who deserves what he gets -

- my question is 1, why should the audience care whether or not Loki gets to a point of loving and accepting himself (thus to make the theme of self-love, via the romance, hold weight) if they don't know that he hates himself to begin with and 2, why should the audience root for Loki to reach that point when so far the perception of him is that he's "kind of an asshole"? if he's a hedonistic narcissist, he probably already has a pretty inflated sense of himself, right? A misplaced inflated sense of himself, at that, because, again, the narrative has made him out to be not that capable of much of anything. (And it didn't start out that way! It seemed to start out with Loki being capable and intelligent but it's like episode 3, in trying to set up the romance, just jumbled it all up somewhere. I think this is why I'm harping on the Loki/Sylvie aspect so much - it's frustrating bc it kinda messes up the whole story and can't even accomplish what it's supposed to anyway.)

Anyway, that's beside the point. What I'm ultimately getting at is, at what point is the audience supposed to get invested in Loki's personal growth journey?

They can't, not really. Without understanding and having the context of everything Loki has been through up until now, and why he hates himself, and why it's so important that he learn to love himself, then the "payoff" becomes kinda pointless bc the significance of it is lost in translation. So suddenly we're left with this romance that comes off as either "Loki loves Sylvie bc of Reasons" (best-case scenario) or "Loki loves Sylvie bc he's vain, narcissistic, and kinda twisted" (worst-case scenario). Neither of these conclusions are what the writers intended or were going for, I'm positive, but there we are, regardless.

In order for the writers' intent in these storylines to land, they need to address the context of what makes these particular stakes high for Loki. So far, they haven't done that. They're asking the audience to pick up on all of these things, and they're showing things that subtextually make sense and are relatively in-character - but only if you realize there's subtext in the first place.

But you can't expect the audience to do all of the work for you. If you don't want the audience to think that Loki is a narcissistic asshole and instead you are trying to convey that, worst-case scenario, he thinks he's a narcissist but is an unreliable narrator, then you have to address that. If you need the audience to understand why you're going the selfcest route and why it's important to explore Loki's capacity to love himself and others, you have to address where that exploration is starting from and why it matters. Etc etc etc.

The narrative isn't doing any of that. And it isn't like it'd be that hard to do it. They don't need to reinvent the wheel here; a lot of the pieces are already there. A few lines of dialogue for context, a brief scene here or there addressing the issues, a little more care and consistency in how Loki handles things - these are all little things that could go a long fucking way in making the narrative stronger.

I'm rambling. My basic point is that my rollercoaster of emotions with this show is because

- as a part of the fan audience, not the general one, I can contextualize and analyze the subtext and come to the conclusions the show wants me to, and thus find the story and the characters more or less enjoyable,

- but I am also going to be using the subtext to come to conclusions that aren't there but probably should be (I think it would be a better story, for example, for Loki to confuse platonic love with romantic love bc it would pave the way to explore just how fucked up Loki's understanding of love - whether of other people or of himself, and the different forms it can take - actually is)

- and when they're ultimately not there, then I think, okay why am I bothering doing all this work just to ultimately feel very unfulfilled? They don't even have to write it the way I would, I'm not saying that, but they do have to do something to make the story feel rewarding.

If we don't get some confirmation of what Loki's been through, and where his headspace is, and why it matters for him to love himself, then the story remains pretty shallow and, for me, it's not fulfilling enough. It's not engaging enough. There isn't actually anything to sink my teeth into, so it becomes kind of boring. Maybe it's rewarding to other people, and that's great for them, but like - I need more than whatever this is.

So I'm just like - well, I had a lot of worries about this show, but my being bored wasn't one of them and now there's only two episodes left and am I really not going to get anything out of this, in the long run? No new canons, no new depths or layers, no new information on Loki's experiences? This is it?

I don't dislike it. I didn't start out disliking it, and I probably wont end up disliking it. I mean, there are a lot of good moments, and good things, and fan service-y things that I appreciate. As far as inspiration for fic goes, it's a goldmine, both plot-wise as well as aesthetic-wise. All of that is great. I don't dislike this show.

But I am disappointed in it, and I feel like I'll be watching the next two episodes lacking the sense of anticipation that would make it exciting. I'll still enjoy them, probably, if for nothing else just the sheer Loki content, but whatever it was I felt watching episodes 1 and 2 is gone and I'm sad about that, too. Because I really wanted to feel fulfilled by this series; I wanted it to fill up the void that Loki's death in IW created three years ago. And I just ... don't feel it. Maybe, maybe that'll change over the course of episodes 5 and 6. I don't know.

Everything that I end up enjoying long-term, I think, will come about as a result of my own interpretations and analysis and while theoretically there's nothing wrong with that, if I had known all I'd get out of this series was more headcanons or support for my current headcanons then, well - that's fine, I suppose, but I'll definitely a little bit robbed.

#loki spoilers #loki series negativity #loki tv series spoilers #loki series spoilers #long post

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shihalyfie · 4 years

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No, Miyako and Iori’s Digimentals were not switched, can we please stop endorsing that

There’s a really common argument that Miyako and Iori’s initial Digimentals should have been “switched” (i.e. give Knowlegde to Miyako and Love to Iori), and accusing the series of trying to pigeonhole Miyako into a “girl” box by giving her the two Crests that originally belonged to her Adventure predecessor girls (Sora and Mimi). While I am not ever going to say that Adventure or 02 were the paragon of feminism, I seriously take issue with this reading, not only because of the fact that I feel it’s a misreading of Miyako and Iori’s characters to consider these Digimentals inappropriate, but also because the “alternative” suggestion of swapping them is an even worse misreading of what said Digimentals are actually about, and would result in an extremely unfitting result.

I would say that the major reasons these misconceptions get drawn a lot are mostly pertinent to the following:

A common misreading of the actual meaning of the “Crest of Knowledge”

The fact that Daisuke, Miyako, and Iori’s initial Digimental traits actually kick in the most in the latter half of the series, after they get their second set -- i.e., the secondary Digimentals are actually more obvious than their first set, even though the secondary ones are the ones to get focus episodes. (For a brief example with Daisuke, his “courage” resembled reckless foolhardiness for a lot of the first half, but at the end of the Kaiser arc and the entire second half it became very clear that Daisuke was still standing resolute in the face of what he knew were increasing stakes, which is a much, much more genuine show of courage.)

If you do want to make the argument that Miyako got this treatment “because she’s a girl”, you might as well argue that she was initially built from the ground up as someone who mixes core personality traits from Sora and Mimi. But she was absolutely not “pigeonholed”, and, again, I think it’s a severe misreading of her character to think that she was.

All quoted translations are by Ryuu-Rogue (Adventure) and PositronCannon (02).

The Crest of Knowledge

The Crest of “Knowledge” is a bit of a misnomer. It’s tempting to read it as simply “knowing a lot of information”, but note that there’s nothing really virtuous about that. You could easily be someone who “naturally” has a knack for studying or information, and then takes that information to be a smart-aleck who lords over everyone. Considering that the Crests were normally supposed to be about personal growth and virtues, “knowledge” seems like a very poor and incidental thing to be valuing.

In actuality, Adventure’s episode in relation to Koushirou and the Crest of Knowledge (episode 24) made it very clear that being intellectual had nothing to do with it. The entire episode revolves around Koushirou willingly giving up his “inquisitive heart” to the point where Tentomon considers him basically having thrown out himself. Koushirou spends the duration of the episode blindly accepting pseudoscience until Bubbmon snaps him back to his senses, and the “epiphany” that powers AtlurKabuterimon’s evolution later in the episode is as follows:

Koushirou: Staying ignorant isn’t what makes me, me! Wanting to know everything is part of who I am!...My inquisitive heart...I’m sorry for throwing you away. I want to know. I want to know!

The “actual” meaning of the “Crest of Knowledge” is defined here: it’s not about how much knowledge you currently have, it’s about how much knowledge you want to have -- wanting to not only have more information, but to also understand more. This is what fuels Koushirou’s character throughout all of Adventure -- he’s the one who can’t let something go whenever something interests him, and therefore he becomes the team’s valuable analyst and the one making the most progress in understanding the Digital World.

So when we get to 02 episode 2, and Iori claims the Digimental of Knowledge, Koushirou has this conversation with him to indicate him worthy of it:

Koushirou: Iori-kun, what do you think of the Digital World? Iori: What do I think...I don’t know, I just got here. Koushirou: But you’re thinking something, aren’t you? Iori: Yes...I have my own theories, but new questions keep popping in my mind and I want to know more. Koushirou: You have a really curious mind, as I thought. Iori: A curious mind? Koushirou: If you have any questions, please ask me. We’re your friends, and we’ll always help you out.

Just in case there were any ambiguity, Koushirou clarifies the “actual” meaning of the Crest of Knowledge right then and there: it’s not about having knowledge, it’s about curiosity, and that’s what we’re supposed to be looking out for with Iori’s character for the rest of the series.

Nevertheless, this conversation in episode 2 is a little misleading, and probably comes off as performative to many because Iori doesn’t actually show that much interest in the Digital World for the rest of the series, even though Koushirou had expected him to be like-minded in this regard. But what does happen is that once the Kaiser arc passes, and we reach the second half of 02, Iori starts to entertain some very interesting questions in regards to his stubborn insistence on black-and-white morality.

His first major shake to his frame of morality is episode 29, when he realizes that pacifist principles don’t mix well with a Digimon that professes to having no desire beyond wanton destruction.

In episodes 34-35, upon seeing Takeru gung-ho against BlackWarGreymon and the darkness to levels that disturb even him, he immediately goes up to Yamato to get answers on what’s up with Takeru without hesitation.

In episode 43, he starts to contemplate his stance on pacifism again after the SkullSatamon army ultimately forces the kids’ hands on breaking their anti-kill stance.

He asks his grandfather about his father in episode 47, and, upon coming face-to-face with Oikawa in episode 47, starts actually questioning him about his motives before he learns about Oikawa’s connection with Hiroki. The framing of the scene indicates he is very desperate to understand how Oikawa’s mentality could possibly make sense. Once he learns about the connection between the two, he gets even more desperate to understand how a friend of his father, whom he admired so much, could end up like this.

Eventually, his experiences with Ken and Oikawa lead him to become a defense attorney in the 02 epilogue, which is reiterated in side material (Spring 2003, Character Complete File, etc.) to be representative of his desire to “understand the hearts of criminals”.

Iori is not Koushirou, and his curiosity is not tied to intellectual pursuits or the Digital World, as much as he very much wants to understand morality and other people. He starts off the series with a very black-and-white view of it, but the more his intuition about it starts to crack, the more desperate and interested he gets about getting to the bottom of it. It’s a very unconventional way to see “knowledge” when such a term is usually applied to intellectual knowledge, but when you see it in terms of the Crest’s actual definition of “inquisitiveness and curiosity”, it fits like a glove.

What of Miyako? Well, she’s certainly got a lot of intellectual knowledge in the way Koushirou has, in terms of being good with computers, but...that’s...about it, actually. Unlike Koushirou, she doesn’t seem to be motivated by a drive to learn anything new with it. She can be curious about things, but that’s in the same way that everyone has a least a little of each Crest virtue within themselves to some degree; it’s not a driving part of her personality, and in fact, while she’s certainly not dismissive or callous, she sometimes even has a tendency to shut down at things she doesn’t understand and ask that it be simplified for her. In that light, “inquisitiveness and curiosity” actually feels very unfitting.

In fact, Miyako’s “intellectual” pursuits of being good with computers actually have very little to do with her character or personality. She has it as a peripheral hobby, and she engages in it, but unlike Koushirou, who uses his computer work as a way to gain more information and analyze things further, Miyako’s computer work really seems to be largely in the range of hobbies for her. A lot of her work is portrayed as favors for other people -- she helps fix Iori’s family computer, she helps out Yamato’s band, and she’s helpful to Koushirou as his junior -- in fact, the most pertinence Miyako’s computer abilities have with her actual personality is how much it puts Koushirou in her high esteem. So in actuality, all of that ties more into...

The Crest of Love

The Crest of “Love” is too often conflated with the potential for romantic love, especially because Sora was involved in the franchise’s most infamous love triangle, but the name of the Crest is actually aijou, i.e. “affection”. It’s a pretty neutral word, all things considered, and it has to do with being affectionate with and supportive of those around you.

Miyako starts off the series as a bit shallow and sometimes self-centered, but the way she interacts with Iori (someone from the same building quite a few years younger with her) already demonstrates that she’s open-minded about making friends and being friendly. On top of that, Miyako immediately demonstrates herself off the bat as being emotionally sensitive (see how she endears herself to Jou and Mimi in episodes 5-6 and has a bit of a mental health crash in episode 10).

Again, episode 2 tends to be a bit misleading, especially when Sora explicitly compares Miyako more to Mimi more than herself when she guides her towards the Digimental of Love. But observing Miyako’s behavior in most of 02′s second half indicates she is actually more than worthy of her title:

Starting as early as episode 3, she brings food for people, and does this a lot. She does this partially because she has privileges when her family runs the i-Mart, but she’s very much doing it to show her affection for all of her new friends -- it’s implied she’s the ringleader behind the “picnic” idea in episode 6 so that everyone can have a bonding session, despite it (at the time) having no relevance to the territory war and the fact that she’d just met everyone. By the time of episode 33, the way she cheerfully keeps in touch with Koushirou during her trip to Kyoto and brings souvenir yatsuhashi home for everyone (Koushirou included) indicates that she’s always got her friends on her mind.

Anytime she likes something or someone, she is perpetually open about her feelings and makes it very clear that she likes such a thing. Again, see how she immediately endears herself to Mimi, and later Michael in episode 14. (14 is interesting in that her “purity” is front and center that episode, because she calls herself out for being too straightforward about her own shallowness, but it’s worth noting that the way she manifests said shallowness is by being openly affectionate.)

Episode 24 has her notice that Daisuke’s feeling left out when Takeru and Hikari walk off on their own, and immediately assign him to nursery care duty where he can have fun and feel a little fulfilled teaching them soccer. This is a very often-overlooked scene, but she had basically no motive to do this except to make Daisuke happy, and the way she looks on the scene fondly indicates she’s very proud of herself for doing so -- she knew exactly what she was doing there, and is actually far more emotionally in touch with others than she’s often given credit for.

She is the second most proactive (behind Daisuke) to bid for Ken’s acceptance into the group, and while she initially seems to take a slightly more passive approach than he does, she immediately goes into given name basis with him (before Daisuke does, even!), takes a personal investment in seeing him become friends with Iori in episode 30, has a stake in reaching out to both Hikari and Ken in episode 31 (and is self-conscious about her running-her-mouth behavior being too insensitive), and Ken’s emotional well-being and welfare is a perpetual thing on her mind for the rest of the series (see: her going out of her way to accommodate his worries in episode 46).

Although Miyako’s propensity for affection is actually quite clear throughout the entire series, I do really think it’s the second half of 02 that brings it out the most, because her way of connecting to otherwise emotionally closed-in characters like Hikari and Ken ultimately demonstrate a lot about how outwardly proactive she is about those feelings, and how integral she is to keeping the group of friends together -- there’s very good reason she’s often referred to by third parties as a “mood maker”, someone there to keep everyone in high spirits.

And what about Iori? It’s hard to argue he doesn’t have love, of course. He has a very deep and passionate love for those around him! But, again, while he does have a propensity for it, that doesn’t mean it’s a trait that necessarily defines him, especially because his stubborn and passionate hatred of certain things ends up making the others have to pull teeth a bit with him at times.

Of course, one could argue that it comes out of his love for the things he wants to protect. But, nevertheless, I would still say it’s rather inaccurate to say that the trait defines him nearly as much as it does Miyako, who is openly and passionately affectionate, actively tries to be open-minded towards new things in her life, and spends a lot of her time doting on others and her hobby work doing favors for her friends.

#digimon #digimon adventure 02 #miyako inoue #iori hida #inoue miyako #hida iori #shihameta

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years

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Shipping aside, can you analyze Zuko and Katara's relationship, as well as Zuko and Azula's vs Katara and Sokka's

Hello anon!

When it comes to Katara and Zuko’s dynamic, I would start from this scene:

This scene is where they interact for the first time not as enemies, but as people. It is meaningful that the first thing they share is about their respective mothers.

Ursa and Kya are two fundamental figures in their kids’ lives. In particular, when it comes to Katara and Zuko, they are linked to sides of them they usually hide.

On one hand Ursa is linked to a kind and empathetic side Zuko has, but does not initially show.

For Zuko (and also for Azula, but in a more complicated way) Ursa symbolizes unconditional love. Ursa is the parent who has always shown Zuko kindness and appreciation no matter what he accomplished.

Ursa being linked to a more positive side of Zuko is made clear also here:

Iroh: “You have more than one great-grandfather, Prince Zuko. Sozin was your father's grandfather. Your mother's grandfather was Avatar Roku”.

Ozai is Sozin’s descendant, while Ursa is Roku’s. Zuko is the descendant of both and must reconcile these two sides of himself.

In short, Ursa embodies a more positive side of Zuko. This is why the flashback about her is one we have when Zuko is travelling alone and is already starting to change and to show more and more of these positive traits.

When it comes to Katara, the violent death of her mother is instead linked to a ruthless unforgiving side she rarely shows:

Katara: “It's not the same! Jet attacked the innocent. This man, he's a monster.”

Katara is usually compassionate and empathetic. As Sokka says:

Sokka: “ Nah, she doesn't hate you. Katara doesn't hate anyone.”

However, when it comes to her mother’s murderer, she shows cruelty. What is more, at the root of both Katara and Zuko’s traumas reguarding their mothers there is the fact that they grow up without knowing what really happened to them.

All in all, they stay confused and without closure to the point that years later what happened to their mothers is still haunting them. What makes their parallel even stronger is that both Kya and Ursa died/disappeared to protect their children. However, the reasons why their children risked death are different.

On one hand Zuko risks to die because Ozai does not value him. In particular, Ozai sees him and his bending as weak. On the other hand Katara risks to die because she is a bender, so she might be strong enough to pose a danger for the Fire Nation.

Both children are threathened by the Fire Nation, but for opposite reasons. Zuko is targeted because of his “weakness”, while Katara for her strength and potential. This ties to the different social role they are asked to fulfill by their respective communities. On one hand Zuko is asked to be a prince and so to exhibits traits like ruthlessness and strength. On the other hand Katara’s culture (well, the culture of the North Water Tribe, at least) asks her to be a woman and not to fight.

Both Katara and Zuko exhibits traits they should not have. Katara is powerful and has taught herself how to fight, while Zuko is compassionate and does not want soldiers to be cruelly sacrificed. They end up in trouble because of this and enter into a conflict with parts of their culture just to be themselves. At the same time, theirs is also a story of getting to know their respective cultures better and this can happen also through getting to know other cultures as well.

This is made clear by how their respective bending progresses throughout their journeys.

On one hand Katara leaves a homecountry which was almost completely destroyed by the war. Many aspects of her culture, especially the ones related to her bending, went missing and her main objective at the beginning of the series is to learn more about them. Throughout her journey she succeeds. As a matter of fact in each season she discovers more and more about waterbending. In the first book she discovers its healing properties and learns a Northern style. In the second book, she discovers the swamp style of water-bending. Finally in the last book she is trained by a Southern bender and learns blood-bending. In short, throughout her journey Katara discovers her roots and accepts both positive and negative things about them.

On the other hand Zuko’s bending develops as he learns more from other cultures:

And, thanks to in his attempt to teach fire-bending to Aang, he connects with a style of fire-bending often forgotten:

In short, Zuko is enriched by other cultures and it is through them that he also discovers more about his own.

It is also interesting that what we discover about each bending each season parallels Zuko and Katara in some way.

On one hand Zuko starts the story as an antagonist and what people say about firebending in season one is mostly negative:

Even a firebending master recognizes how dangerous his bending is. This is what is said about waterbending instead:

Waterbending has healing qualities. Water can heal, whereas fire can only hurt. This is a good power for a character like Katara to have. As a matter of fact she is an extremely nurturing character to the point that she often acts as a mother figure even for characters who are her peers:

Sokka: “I'm gonna tell you something crazy. I never told anyone this before, but honestly? I'm not sure I can remember what my mother looked like. It really seems like my whole life, Katara's been the one looking out for me. She's always been the one that's there. And now, when I try to remember my mom, Katara's is the only face I can picture.”

However, in season three we are shown that firebending can also embody a positive philosophy:

Aang: “All this time, I thought firebending was destruction. Since I hurt Katara, I've been too afraid and hesitant. But now I know what it really is ... it's energy, and life.”

Zuko: “Yeah. It's like the Sun, [He curls his hand into a fist.] but inside of you. Do you guys realize this?”

Fire is linked to the sun and can represent life itself. After all, where would humans be without fire?

At the same time, we are shown how waterbending can be extremely dangerous:

These revelations about firebending and waterbending fit with what we discover about Zuko and Katara themselves, as stated above. Zuko can be helpful and kind, while Katara can be resentful and feel deep hatred.

In short, both characters have negative and positive traits. However, they manage not to lose themselves and to find an equilibrium and this is also because of their loved ones.

This is also true for their respective cultures. All in all, all cultures have positive and negative traits and this is why it is important to acquire different points of view. This is the main theme of ATLA after all. It is not by chance that the Avatar gets to bend all elements. It is because only through knowing all kinds of people he can help maintain harmony.

Another interesting similarity between Zuko and Katara is that they foil the other’s sibling.

On one hand Zuko and Sokka are both boys who are struggling to live up to others’ expectations. Both have a father figure they wish to make proud. However, they feel they are failing.

In Zuko’s case, Ozai being proud of him is something which will never happen. This is because Ozai will never accept Zuko as a person and will fail to see his positive traits. This is why in the end Zuko realizes Ozai’s praise is not worth it. He realizes that there is already a person who is proud of him and who loves him despite it all aka Iroh.

When it comes to Sokka, Hakoda is already proud of him, but Sokka feels he is not enough if compared to his father. This is because what he mostly sees of his father is his strength as a warrior. Sokka is an average person when it comes to physical strength and battle prowess. He acquires more experience as the series progresses, but he mostly uses his intelligence and skill to solve situations. What is more, he is a normal person in a cast of people with magical power. However, Sokka slowly discovers that he can be like his father (a leader and an example) just by being himself. His strength lies in him seeing things outside the box and he does not need to lose his goofy side to be useful. At the same time, he progressively loses his toxic masculinity (just like Zuko). He starts to respect women more and learns from them, for example.

On the other hand Katara and Azula are similar in how they are both affected by their mothers’ disappearances. This despite the fact that they hide their hurt well enough. As a matter of fact it is clear pretty soon that Sokka and Zuko want to be appreciated by their fathers, but the level of pain and unsolved issues Katara and Azula have for their mothers’ disappearances is something which comes up much later.

This is because both Katara and Azula are asked by their societies to fulfills different roles. Katara is asked to become the woman of the family and she ends up mothering her older brother. Azula is instead asked to be a princess and a military leader. This makes so that they repress their issues until they come up in ugly ways:

It is interesting that the moments they are at their most powerful when it comes to their bendings are also the moments where they are the most unstable psychologically wise.

That said, Katara still manages to process her feeling of grief and to find closure. It is also important that she expresses her feelings of resentment towards her brother to an extent:

Sokka: “Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.”

Katara: “Then you didn't love her the way I did!”

Because of this, she is ultimately able to move on.

However, when Azula has the chance to address her feelings for her mother, she refuses to do so, as I explained here:

Azula: I don’t have sob stories like all of you. I could sit here and complain how our mom like Zuko more than me. But I don’t really care. My own mother… thought I was a monster… She was right of course, but it still hurt.

In conclusion, Katara and Zuko are pretty strong foils and they represent two sides of the conflict and two different cultures, which initially despise each other. This is pretty much made clear by them being linked with water and fire respectively. This is why their story is a story of reconciliation and forgiveness and this is made clear when one compares their respective roles in each season finale.

In the first season finale they fight each other. This is the first time they are on equal footing because Katara finally got the chance to be trained. The focus is mostly on their competitiveness and conflict.

In the second season finale, they discover they are more similar than what they think. They have similar traumas and are in similar situations. However, even if Katara is ready to give Zuko a chance, Zuko betrays her and a reconciliation does not happen.

Finally, in the third season finale, they are shown fighting together against Azula, who is a foil of both. They save each other’s lives and help to end the war.

These are my main thoughts on these two characters and their foiling.

Thank you for the ask!

#atla #atla meta #katara #zuko #azula #sokka #asksfullofsugar #anonymous

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foster-fan-club · 4 years

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So I have been talking with @sophies-earbuds for awhile about sokeefe vs sophitz and I’ve wrote a little about it before, but now I really want to analyze each character in this love triangle madness->starting with Fitz:

[before I take off into the madness I would like to add a disclaimer: this is not meant to prove one ship “superior”, but at some points it will lean in favor of one or the other or both->it’s just meant to add some character analysis to the whole thing (message me if you ever want to talk more about these ships)]

Fitzroy Avery Vacker:

Fitz starts off as being an easily lovable and very cute character. Sophie falls for him, we all fall for him, and soon enough we are on the edge of our seat to see if Sophitz will happen. But just as we start saying he is our favorite, Shannon gives us a look into a trait that will soon define his character in a whole other way.

Alden’s mind breaks.

Shortly afterwards Fitz is left angry, broken, and feeling enormous loads of guilt-wishing that he could’ve been there for his father. Fitz starts to unload his frustrations onto Sophie and that is the first time Sophitz is truly questioned (besides the moment we learn how handsome Keefe is).

His anger issues are not resolved and he never truly finds closure or comes to terms with it. Instead this anger boils over into Alvar’s betrayal, Keefe’s betrayal, almost killing Alvar *twice*, the whole unmatchable drama, and more.

People argue that Shannon ruined Fitz to make Sokeefe happen. But in my opinion, she didn’t ruin him, instead she has now set him up for self growth and redemption.

By the end of Legacy, Fitz is finally adjusting to the changes in his life, he’s slowly realizing that Alvar is beyond his control, and he is working towards finding closure for his friends.

I feel like Sokeefe will eventually happen and that will present another obstacle for Fitz to endure. But Fitz has already hit his lowest point in Legacy, in my opinion. So now he is going to endure the greatest change. I feel like Fitz and Sophie both have a lot of personal growth they still need to go through apart, before they can even try to start dating again. Part of Sophie’s growth will most likely fall along the lines with Keefe’s recovery/new ability and their newish relationship. Fitz needs to refind himself and spend some more time with his family to help him heal. He will obviously depend on Sophie throughout this time and vice versa, but I don’t expect it to be in a relationship way.

Fitz Vacker is not a villain, even though some people paint him out to be. He is just as confused and as hurt and as betrayed as Keefe. He just deals with it in a not so great way. But Keefe also dealt with his guilt in a not so great way in the beginning too (I mean trying to play double agent against the Neverseen is not the smartest). Fitz and Keefe share many characteristics in common and they both have the potential to essentially make each other’s mistakes. But they don’t, instead they learn from them. They learn together, as best friends (wow I’m tearing up bc of Feefe/Kitz [idk their ship name]).

My prediction for Fitz is that he will start to branch off from the group and find his own way. Only once he has grown as a person, will he have a chance at winning back Sophie’s heart. If he does succeed with it all, Sophitz will end with a lot more value than it had in Flashback and Legacy.

So that was my overall *breif* analysis, but if you want more, just keep reading!

The change in Fitz was explained indirectly and perhaps some people missed it. Guilt is a major theme in the kotlc series and plays a big role in each character’s life. It is said multiple times after Alvar’s betrayal how getting angry is a way Fitz’s guilt is expressed. Just like how Alden’s guilt caused him to lean a little harder on his classic “no need to worry” standby. Brant’s guilt caused him to slowly go insane. The guilt Sophie felt for her human parents, eventually led her to a state of numbness. Keefe’s guilt causes him to be reckless. Grady and Edaline’s guilt caused them to shut out the world after Jolie’s death. Eventually each character finds a way to deal with their guilt. Alden eventually admitted that he was wrong to perform the memory break and was provided closure when Della and him helped Wylie and Prentice recover. Grady and Edaline adopted Sophie as a way to fill the emptiness in their home. Even Brant found closure by facing Grady and Sophie (although by then he was already too lost). Keefe is slowly finding closure by coming to terms with his dad, accepting that he isn’t responsible for his mom, and no longer trying to be the hero. He isn’t fully there yet, but Sophie is helping him get there. (This is very important for why sokeefe is such a strong ship but I already said a lot on that earlier) Fitz has never truly found closure and I think that is why he was so upset that Sophie and Keefe let Alvar go. Fitz feels responsible for being played by the Neverseen under his own roof (similar to Keefe). Fitz feels responsible for the shame he brought on his family’s *now questionable* reputation. [That is probably another reason why he wasn’t too happy about the whole unmatchable thing- not because he didn’t love Sophie but because he couldn’t bear hurting his family any more]

His direct family doesn’t blame him, but other members of the Vackers still look down on him. But most importantly, Fitz blames himself. He really wanted to be able to just finish Alvar, not because he is some dark, killing machine- but because he sees it as the only way to ensure Alvar doesn’t hurt the people he loves anymore. To me this is actually a sweeter side of Fitz that is often overlooked as just a creepy trait. Fitz would risk his own well being, he would risk breaking his mind, he would risk living with the burden of killing his brother- just because he believes he can protect his family, his friends, and Sophie. Now as creepy and weird of a justification that is- it is still a valid reason why Fitz would turn into who he is now so quickly. To me Fitz still has the same intentions in mind, but he is so guilt ridden and traumatized that he has gone to extremes.

When you hear him blaming Sophie for bad things that happen to him, it ends up actually being Fitz blaming himself. But Fitz doesn’t have the humility to admit that yet. I used to watch this tv series as a kid that I still love now that had a character who was very guilt ridden. The character was told that to become who he really is he must let go of his feelings of guilt and shame. The character responds *very hotheadedly similar to Fitz* “I’m not guilty or shameful- I am as proud as ever!” He is then told that pride is not the opposite of shame but it’s source. That has stuck with me through reading kotlc because it pretty much describes Fitz.

Fitz is PROUD to be a Vacker, he is PROUD to be a telepath, even in the beginning of the first book he gets defensive when Sophie makes fun of Foxfire because he is PROUD to be a Foxfire prodigy. All this pride can also result in tons of shame and guilt. He feels that he can not make others proud, he can not truly earn his titles, without leaving around loose ends that could tarnish his reputation. When you think about it, Fitz is as proud as ever. He just took elite level tests and will find out soon if he will get in. He figured out how to transmit long distances to Silveny. Sophie and him have strengthened their cognate connection after getting past their feelings. He found the moonlark. He is able to get past Sophie’s blocking. He has accomplished so much, but still feels guilt. His pride causes him guilt and shame, because when something that is out of his control happens- he does not have the humility to admit it. Instead he wants to hunt down Alvar, he wants to be angry for not being there when Alden’s mind breaks, he gets mad at Biana when she gets her scars from Vespera because he wishes he could’ve taken the hits for her. He really does try to be Wonderboy and sometimes he even shocks me with how skilled and smart he really is. But he is still learning how to admit mistakes and move on. This has been his characters biggest guilt related flaw throughout the entire series, it is nothing new. Each character has their own flaws that develop throughout the series.

When Fitz apologizes to Sophie at the end of Legacy, that is when I see his first true act of humility. He apologizes to her before, but this time it just felt so much more genuine because he finally is starting to realize what his actions are doing to those who love him. This is new self growth is where I see Fitz’s character heading. The end of Legacy has given him a chance for a sort of redemption arc. He was never a bad character or evil, he just needs to grow to be his true self. Fitz needs to let go of his past grudges to be able to move forward. He needs to admit that Alvar is out of his control and that he might not be able to be the hero (similar to Keefe again). I feel like when he says he is no longer looking to kill Alvar and hunt him down, but instead is looking for information about his best friend- that really made a difference to me. He is starting to move past it and work towards the greater good. Maybe post-redemption Fitz will have another chance with Sophie. But for now we are all rooting for sokeefe to have a standing chance.

I am so sorry that this is so much to read, but I was going to post all of this eventually so I decided, why not just spam everyone at once??

Soon I will be posting analysis for both Keefe an Sophie, but it will probably *hopefully* be a lot shorter because there is already a ton of great posts about their characters and I don’t want to be too redundant. My asks are always open if you ever want to send in your own opinions/feedback and/or other characters and plots you want to see more of on here!

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mydeardeath · 4 years

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To belong with (7/8)

Whole series on tumblr (to belong series tag) or AO3

---

Tim started trashing in his sleep just a few hours after going to bed, awakening Damian with a hit to his face. He kept muttering unintelligible words, but while Damian could not decipher their meaning, he could guess that it was related to the time Tim was away.

He had to hold Tim for five minutes before the Omega calmed down, lost in his nightmares. When Tim finally came to his senses, he did not speak a word. The Omega sank further against Damian, taking all the comfort he could get. Tim had seemed fine since his return. He had calmed down as soon as he had recognized Damian. After that, he had acted as he used too. Mostly, anyway. Tim hadn't asked to go back on patrol. He had not even questioned Damian about the Gotham's current night activities. In fact, Tim hadn't mentioned this part of their life at all, acted as if he was a simple civilian. Those had been obvious hints that should have alerted Damian sooner. Tim had always been one of the most dedicated to the mission.

He may have no idea what had happened to him while he was captive, but he should have deduced that it was no good. And Damian had ignored that so he could play house with Tim.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Damian murmured in his ear, still hugging him.

Tim didn't respond right away. He started tapping softly on Damian's wrist with the tip of his fingers. "I don't know. I don't know where I was. Who had taken me or why. I was alone for weeks. Alone in the dark. Nobody came to see me or to interrogate me."

"You weren't with the others?"

"What others?" Tim asked, confused.

"People started popping off as the same as you did. People presumed to be dead from the attack that took you."

"I never saw anyone else. I had nothing to clutch to while I was there. Nothing to analyze, nothing to work on, all I could do was wait. I never felt that powerless."

"We'll figure out, and they will pay for touching you," Damian promised, determined to avenge his Omega.

Damian had held Tim for over an hour before it became clear that neither of them had any chance of going back to sleep. Thus, he had offered the Omega to go downstairs to spar for a bit. The equipment had got an upgrade since Tim had last been into the room, but he hadn't remodeled the room, so it should still be familiar to him.

Damian dug out some of Tim's old training gear. He ignored the look that earned him. Damian knew pretty well how it looked like: who kept all of someone's stuff, and not just one item of sentimental value after they died? The whole family had already criticized him for clinging to Tim's belongings years after he had died. The Omega was free to judge him too. He had stopped to care a long time ago. He had his own way of coping, and nobody would change that.

"I guess it's a good thing your sentimental," Damian snorted a that, nobody had put it that way thus far, "Sometimes I feel lost when I realize that the world has changed without me to a point where I not always sure I'm really home. I mean, I can still recognize the world, but it could be a mind trick for all I know. Having my stuff makes it easier, anchors me."

They started slowly, not fighting right away, leaving Damian enough time to assess Tim's physical conditions. He didn't have enough details about his captivity to know if he had been malnourished or if he had been able to exercise. Muscle memory would allow Tim to get back pretty quickly, but Damian wasn't sure that his strength was still the same, nor his stamina. Furthermore, Damian had grown a lot during the past six years. It was weird to say, but he was now only one year younger than Tim. After presenting as an Alpha, he had grown fast, outgrowing Dick in a year, and was catching up to his father as the days passed. Not only was Damian taller but also a lot stronger and more experienced than before. Before, he knew how much strength he could put behind his punch to train but not arm. Now he wasn't sure, but he didn't want to restrain himself too much lest that Tim noticed. He wasn't sure the Omega would appreciate the precaution. He had proven himself many times in the past, questioning his abilities would be a terrible insult. Plus, none of them knew how to take it easy after an injury, Tim wouldn't accept to restrain himself. They hadn't had the best example, growing up. So, Damian was a little at loss.

Tim gave the first hit, sensing the Alpha hesitation. He didn't hold back, certain that Damian could take it. The strike did not even connect. Damian intercepted it with ease, faster than Tim had first imagined. The Alpha may have put on a lot of weight, but he was still quick and agile, it seemed. All the Robins had had training, but Damian had been groomed from birth. He was the one with the most techniques and potential when it came to fighting. Damian didn't have to rely on preparation, as Tim did. It had been quite impressive to witness when Damian had first entered their life, and something told Tim that it was nothing compared to what he could do now. He was quite curious to see it all. Tim threw a few more punch at Damian, taking the opportunity to assess the other's movement. Analyzing was what he was best at. Tim was used to facing opponents that were stronger than him, better than him. Smarter was another matter. He would find a way to beat Damian, even if he took hours.

It's only after two hours of pulling punches and dodging that Tim managed to knock Damian off his feet. He had pretended to be more tired by their sparring session than he truly was for the past ten minutes, leading to Damian lowering his guard and giving Tim an edge. That approach wouldn't have worked in a real fight, but he didn't care. He was damp with sweat, and his attacks were becoming sloppy. He wouldn't have lasted another hour. So, he let himself regain some strength for a minute and got his victory. Damian had given him lessons about fighting dirty when he was they had fought soon after meeting each other. So, the Alpha shouldn't hold it against him.

"Well done, Timothy." Damian's words were reluctant, but he seemed proud of Tim at the same time. Probably didn't like landing on his ass.

"Thanks, D," Tim smiled brightly at him, and Damian had no other choice than to return it, mollified by Tim's expression.

***

They spent the rest of the day at home. Damian had promised himself to contact his father today, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew there was a risk of Bruce or Dick showing up unannounced if he ignored them for too long, especially after declaring that he would be looking for Tim. Not that he had been wrong, but they didn't know that. Yet.

In the meantime, Damian was just enjoying Tim's company while they cooked together, or watch shit tv shows.

"You don't have to skip patrol because of me, you know?"

Tim had noticed that Damian had never left at night. The Alpha still maintained his nest downstairs, so he obviously hadn't given up on that part of their life. Watching tv with Damian was nice, but he didn't want to hold him back if he wanted to go out.

Damian sighed. "I don't want to leave you alone, not because I think you cannot take care of yourself. But I'm afraid that if you disappear from my sight for more than a minute, you will disappear forever." Damian honesty was heartbreaking. Tim could understand his fear, he had the same.

"I could come with you. You don't seem to be working on any major cases."

Damian looked away before answering. He wasn't sure the Omega was quite ready to go back, but Tim being able or not to patrol was not the problem.

"I haven't announced your return to the rest of the family," Damian confessed, looking guilty.

"What? Why?" Tim almost yelled.

"They refused to believe you could be alive! I search for you for hours, alone. I know it might be childish, but I wanted to keep it from them. I'm sorry," Damian apologized. It had been selfish of him. Tim deserved to be with them if that what he wanted. He had no right to take that decision from him. "I can call them now if you would like."

"No. We'll go. Now." Tim announced.

"Now? I don't think they will be home."

"Alfred will," Tim interrupted him, settling the matter.

#timdami #damitim #to belong series #part 15

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linkspooky · 5 years

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Himiko’s Love + Shigaraki’s Hate

Commission art done by Giorfu

This is the first post in a series that analyzes the relationship Shigaraki has with each individual league of villains member. Himiko has a deep bond with Shigaraki that has helped him grow into more of a person, more under the cut.

1. Himiko ‘Loves Everything’ and Shigaraki ‘Hates Everything’

Shigaraki and Himiko from their introduction to one another seem as different as night and day. One is cheerful, with a cute face, always smiling that looks like nothing more than a normal teenage girl. The other cynical, foul mouthed, with a face covered in wrinkles most often hidden away from others, so outside of society his appearance even in casual clothes has a lot in common with a NEET. Himiko is extroverted and always trying to be friends with others, Shigaraki is introverted and at first extremely stunted in the way he interacts with others, and like a child cannot go a single interaction without throwing a tantrum or resorting to violence.

The two of them are so different I could go on all day listing the ways in which they contrast each other as opposites, but that’s not much of an analysis. The most important area in which they oppose each other is the central idea to each of their characters, their motivations, their raison d'être.

Himiko has stated repeatedly that she’s motivated by love, her love for life, her love for individuals, she has an unspecific and hard to define general idea of love that she follows. Himiko’s life goals are extremely vague, but it can be said she wants to enjoy her life, and therefore love everything about her life.

Himiko is moved by what she loves, even if she’s never quite good at verbalizing, or describing what the love is to others, just that it’s an overpowering feelings that overrides everything for her. To Himiko, even things like identity are secondary to love, as she’s completely willing to throw away her own ‘self’ for the feeling of becoming someone she loves.

Shigaraki is motivated by love’s opposite, the other side of the coin. What he feels and what informs his actions is an overpowering hatred for pretty much everything around him.

Unlike Himiko who is constantly enjoying herself, Shigaraki’s mentality is defined by his constant sickness towards not only himself but also everyone else around him. As if the act of living itself fills him with nausea. Himiko is a pleasure seeker, chasing her own twisted definition of happiness gives her peace of mind. Shigaraki however, finds his peace of mind not in pleasure but in pain, pleasure’s opposite.

To the point where he purposefully triggers himself with his unpleasant memories of the past to keep them inside of him. Shigaraki’s stress response has always been to inflict pain on himself in some way. Shigaraki suffers from excoriation disorder, as he picks at the skin of his neck obsessively when he cannot handle stress.

When he loses his sensei, we see him grab his head and hold the hands of his deceased family members in the exact same way he did when he was a child.

Both Shigaraki and Himiko’s actions come from powerful emotions that override everything else for them. Shigaraki was taught to hold all the pain in his heart, that there was no purpose in relieving his burden the only thing he could do was hold onto it. Which then makes sense as to why, Shigaraki’s first and primary stress response is just to inflict even more pain on himself.

To use a metaphor, Shigaraki’s heart is like a cage where he locks all of his negative emotions away. Himiko’s is a zoo where every single cage door has been left open, allowing the animals to roam free and do whatever they want. Shigaraki, everything from his destiny to inherit All For One being decided for him as a child, and the design of his costume has a motif of restraint and restriction. He holds everything in, and therefore limits his own freedom.

He is physically restrained by everything, his feelings of obligation for All For One due to him being saved by the villain, his legacy as the grandson of Tenko Shimura which was the only reason he was chosen for his fate in the first place, the feelings of his dead family members which he literally wears as hands gripping and restraining parts of his body like symbolic chains. As destructive as Shigaraki is, as little as he cares about society’s rules being imposed on him, Shigaraki is still defined far more by his lack of freedom than his freedom.

If Shigaraki is too restrained however, then Himiko is his complete opposite too free. Every actions Himiko takes is a grab for agency and freedom. If Shigaraki is somebody firmly rooted in his identity and past as Tenko Shimura, than Himiko can literally escape from her own identity. She is even said to be used to this, she quickly steals the appearance of another person and disappears into the crowd which is how she has lived without being caught for so long. Himiko’s identity is malleable to what suits her needs at the moment, and her needs are usually just whatever would make her happy.

Shigaraki is motivated by feelings deep in his heart, and a sickness underneath the surface of his skin that he can never get rid of. Himiko is motivated by shallow, momentary pleasures, that she enjoys and then forgets and moves onto the next. They seem like complete opposites, love and hate, but rather they are two sides of the coin and complementary to one another.

Even though the feelings they are motivated by are different, love and hate, pain and pleasure, the way they respond to and their perceptions of their own feelings are the same. Both of their own feelings of love and hate are vague, when they try to describe them to others they’re almost never understood, and that’s partially because both characters don’t really understand themselves except in the most general impressions of their own emotions. Shigaraki “hates mostly everything” and Himiko “likes things, and wants to do what she likes.” Neither of these are specific goals at all.

Shigaraki is even partially aware of this. That even if he achieves the concrete goals that All For One left behind for him, eliminate the competition, become the next king of the underworld, none of that is going to make him feel better. The same is for Himiko, even though she is chasing love she’s not really interested in any kind of concrete or permanent love. She doesn’t even seem to grasp what that is. Rather, she chases the feelings of love not really knowing what she would do when she gets there.

Himiko is aware on the surface that girls her age have friends, that they call each other by nicknames, and she knows that she wants that, but she’s not really aware what actual friends are or act like.

Himiko wants love, but when she tries to talk about love people either do not understand her, or they are physically disturbed by her. Her own version of love also has nothing to do with the other person loving her back, but rather the one-sided expression of her own love. These are all symptoms of the same general problem between Shigaraki and Himiko is that they both have really no sense of self.

Himiko we don’t have the specific reasons as to why yet as her backstory was told to us sensationally by another person (though it probably has something to do with suppressing her sense of self for too long), and Shigaraki because he was not raised to be a person but rather a tool for All for One’s revenge. He was not expected to grow into his own person with his own thoughts and feelings, but rather to grow into a second All for One.

Both Himiko and Shigaraki have nothing inside of them except for these impulses, these emotions to follow, so that is what they end up using to define themselves. Yet, even though they’re guided by their deepest emotions they at the same time lack a sense of self. You would think that would make them truer to themselves than anybody else, but they have no concrete desires, and both of them can only ever express themselves in vague and incomprehensible terms.

The reason for their lack of identity is that while indulging in themselves, they at the same time reject everything else around them. Shigaraki does not at all care for the ideas of hero society, but not only that he’ll reject other villains too who are not his allies. Not only does he come into conflict with heroes, but also with other villains who are not his allies. Himiko is much the same, she has no regard at all for the thoughts and feelings of others. She can only see the world from her own perspective, to the point where she’s completely cut off from others.

Himiko only cares about her own value system. Everybody else’s thoughts and opinions have nothing to do with her. She cannot even see other people as individuals, because she is so good at becoming them. That is why Himiko’s flashback is not told from her own perspective, but rather a reporter trying to spin the tale into a tragedy.

It’s not to suggest that Himiko has no real motive for her actions, but rather Himiko will reject the values and systems of others violently. The only thing Himiko cares about is her own personal story, her own little world, she will never accept anybody else’s perspective. That is the primary reason for her disconnect for others. Yet at the same time because she is so disconnected her own identity suffers. People are defined by their interaction with others, but Himiko has been on the run from the law and constantly changing into different people on a week to week basis for several years. No wonder there’s instability present in her personality, she had no other people to look at her, see herself in, and accept herself until she found the league.

So, while Shigaraki and Himiko may seem like they are complete opposites, the fact that they feel such vague feelings towards “everyone” either hating everyone or loving everyone, makes them the same in a way. It’s because they perceive the crowd as a blur, just something to despise or love, something to direct their feelings at, the result is they are both an equal distance from everybody else.

Their feelings are those of outsiders directed towards the group that they are not a part of. They are also, a method of distancing themselves from absolutely everybody around them, as their incomprehensibility effectively prevents others from getting close.

2. The Outsiders

Himiko on the surface seems like nothing more than a shallow weird serial killer, especially since we do not have her own perspective on her backstory yet and she refuses to justify any of her violent actions with reason, as that’s the antithesis of her trying so hard not to let herself be defined by the values of others.

However, her actions while it may not be a direct reference have a lot in common with that of a philosophical outsider. By a philosophical outsider of course I’m referencing, Le’Stranger, the Stranger, or The Outsider by Albert Camus. It follows the story of a man named Mersault one day shoots dead an man without knowing his own motivations, and ends up being put to death partly because of his inability to show any remorse, but also not really caring about his fate one way or the other.

Himiko’s actions might read on the surface as killing for no reason, but one of the most famous existentialist novels of the modern era is about the exploration of a man taking a similar action. All that we know about Himiko’s backstory so far informed to us by others is that Himiko put on a mask of normalcy that one day shattered when she decided to stab a classmate for incomprehensible reasons and then run away.

In other words she mimics the actions of Mersault. There was a point in her life in which she lived among normal society, yet even among the crowds she was a stranger to them. Then one day she steps over the line herself by killing someone of her own free will, and becomes an outsider that no one else can comprehend. Both characters are similar in that they have no specific reasons why they kill, but only vague feelings that drive them. Not only that but their first kill that made them into a murderer also had no real trigger.

Here is the scene of Mersault killing the man in the book.

And then the Arab drew his knife and held it up toward me, athwart the sunlight. A shaft of light shot upward from the steel, and I felt as if a long, thin blade transfixed my forehead. At the same moment all the sweat that had accumulated in my eyebrows splashed down on my eyelids, covering them with a warm film of moisture. Beneath a veil of brine and tears my eyes were blinded; I was conscious only of the cymbals of the sun clashing on my skull, and, less distinctly, of the keen blade of light flashing up from the knife, scarring my eyelashes, and gouging into my eyeballs. Then everything began to reel before my eyes, a fiery gust came from the sea, while the sky cracked in two, from end to end, and a great sheet of flame poured down through the rift. Every nerve in my body was a steel spring, and my grip closed on the revolver. The trigger gave, and the smooth underbelly of the butt jogged my palm. And so, with that crisp, whipcrack sound, it all began. I shook off my sweat and the clinging veil of light. I knew I’d shattered the balance of the day, the spacious calm of this beach on which I had been happy. But I fired four shots more into the inert body, on which they left no visible trace. And each successive shot was another loud, fateful rap on the door of my undoing.

The point of the murder in The Stranger is that it’s not a deliberate, or passionate killing, it’s committed entirely offhand almost as an afterthought. Even in the process of killing someone Mersault does not think too much into why he is doing it, and after the fact he does not think too much of it either.

There are many interpretations on what this passage is supposed to symbolize, but one of the most direct interpretations is that Mersault thought “it would be interesting to know what it was like to pull the trigger.” The same way that people would hold a gun and fantasize about shooting someone for a moment, but then stop themselves. That means Mersault’s desire which led him to kill is not entirely as inhuman as he seems as a character. As everyone has passing thoughts like that.

The argument is that in Mersault’s situation everyone would be tempted to pull the trigger right away, or at least have that thought pass through their head. The sole difference between Mersault and other people, is that they would have had something to temper that impulse and tell themselves no, whereas Mersault did not deny himself and just pulled the trigger.

Once again it looks like a totally inhuman action killing someone for no good reason merely the idea that you could do it crossing the mind, and yet the same time it has a lot more in common with human thought then meets the eye.

So, we have Himiko who kills possibly for no good reason or justification. Except, the fact that she lacks the same part that Mersault does, the part of her brain that can resist the passing thought to pull the trigger, or to plunge the knife is the only thing which makes her different from others. Himiko is an outsider, and yet at the same time she is also someone whose desires are completely human.

She wants to smile and be happy just like everyone else. Just like everyone else she also has urges to hurt other people, but rather than resisting them she gives into them immediately, thus making her an outsider, thus making her a stranger.

Once again this might not be the deepest character motivation in the world, as a personal one, however on a philosophical level it’s fascinating and strangely compelling.

The stranger captures the state of mind as defined by the sociologist Emile Dirkeim as Anomie.

“A listless, affect-less, alienated condition where one feels entirely cut off from others and can’t find a way to share their sympathies or values.” (Source).

The hero of the outsider cannot except any of the standard explanations for why things are the way they are. He sees hypocrisy and sentimentality everywhere and can’t overlook it. He stands outside normal life, and is unconcerned with its pinched morality and narrow concerns for family and happiness.

“Mersault doesn’t play the game. He refuses to lie. He says what he is. He refuses to hide his feelings, and so society feels threatened.” (Albert Camus, Afterword of The Stranger).

While Mersault is not someone to be seen as superior to others, or even justified in acting the way he does, he is someone who would be seen as others with no thoughts and motivations behind his actions because his real thoughts and motivations are just so outside their point of view. The disconnect between himself and others is something utterly dehumanizing.

While Himiko doesn’t seem particularly concerned with the hypocrisies of society, there is still that gap between herself and others that she can never cross, that therefore makes it impossible for her to share her feelings. Himiko is also someone who refuses to lie in any way about herself. To the point where she’s almost too honest about her desires, that when she tries to speak truthfully about them she creeps others out. This is something she shares in common with Shigaraki, who every time he tries to express his own feelings usually gets called a man-child or a monster by the hero or villain he is facing off against. Their honesty towards themselves is something that makes others feel threatened.

The idea of “self” is so important to Himiko that she refuses to suppress any of it, even if it means that self is a bloodthirsty monster born with a blood sucking quirk. It’s not very tragic, but at the same time it is existentialist. She’s so focused on herself over others, that she cuts them out of the picture with a literal pair of scissors.

If society as a whole encourages repression than being true to yourself does make you a philosophical outsider, Himiko is an extreme example but it’s true as a whole.

Just like Shigaraki’s struggles the rejection of society telling him what he is supposed to accept and believe can be read as nihilism, then Himiko’s can be read as existentialism.

Well, to an extent. On the surface Himiko seems to be nothing more than a hedonist. Which would be the exact opposite of Shigaraki’s assertion that nothing in this world has any value. If she was strictly a hedonist, then to Himiko everything that gives her pleasure would have value. That value comes from the fact it gives her pleasure.

Hedonism is a school of thought that argues that the pursuit of pleasure and intrinsic goods are the primary or most important goals of human life.A hedonist strives to maximize net pleasure (pleasure minus pain). However upon finally gaining said pleasure, happiness may remain stationary.

Himiko’s guidance system is similar to this at least, she defines things as good or bad based on her own personal likes and dislikes. If something makes her feel good then it is good.

While everything she dislikes is bad. For Himiko, there’s no value beyond that personal judgement. She only stays with the league because being around them makes her feel good.

However, to step away from hedonism Himiko is willing to do things that will cause her discomfort. We even see her breaking her own rules of not doing the things she dislikes when it is necessary.

Himiko is literally all about chasing momentary pleasures and avoiding any kind of pain and consequence to her actions, so the fact that she was willing to say “We have to endure pain for now” is the exact opposite of her usual philosophy and shows she’s capable of much more than that. Which is why, Himiko may have desires that run deeper than her shallow, surface desires that she’s so open about.

Himiko values things like trust, friendship, and cooperating which are human values and yet she seems so different from them. In her moments of desperation Himiko seems to be wishing to become someone like Ochacho who is like, the definition of a good, boring, normal girl that Himiko seemed to despise being so much. That, she in a way, her own weird little way, wants to become more human too and to have more of her own identity even if that means stealing it from others. Which would make Himiko’s narrative an existentialist one rather than simply a hedonist one.

Nihilism and Existentialism as philosophies go hand in hand. In order to discover yourself you have to reject the way society and others see you and try to find your own values. Shigaraki and Himiko are also both outsiders, who see through the others around them.

Himiko is fantastic at reading other people at least on a surface level, and knows how to push buttons to get people to like her, and it’s implied her methods of acting cute are just that an act to get people to be kinder, and lower their suspicions.

Shigaraki was so intelligent at reading the crowds that he could tell that Stain was getting sympathy from people who never really cared that much about his ideals, just the idea of him.

They both have this clarity when it comes to reading other people because they reject the ideals of the others around them. They observe from an outside point of view. Both Shigaraki and Himiko are capable of seeing through the hypocrisies not only in society, but the other people around them. Though, their reasons are different and their origins are different.

Shigaraki was raised entirely outside of society, so much so that he has no memories of the time that he was ever a part of society, or the family he once had. The only thing he has to base his identity around was what was given to him by All for One.

Himiko was born to a rich family, and as far as we know no circumstances destroyed her life like they did Shigaraki’s. Himiko is also not the descendant of anybody special, it just so happened she was born with a weird quirk. Yet, despite coming from a proper family home and a proper upbringing, both her and Shigaraki end up in the same place as outsiders.

However, Camus argued that even though existentialism requires acknowledging that life is fundamentally absurd and meaningless and we must live our lives acknowledging this fact instead of accepting the values that others tell us, that does not mean all we can feel is empty disdain for life and everything in it like Shigaraki does. Shigaraki is right to reject the values of others, but his growth is still stunted, he hasn’t gotten past the phase of reckless rejection. He doesn’t want to do anything constructive he only wants to be destructive.

That is why Himiko’s philosophy is complementary to Shigaraki’s. Himiko also sees through everything, but because she sees it as absurd she searches for something to enjoy about life. Which is what Shigaraki needs to eventually learn to do, but Shigaraki sees himself as fundamentally capable of ever doing, or growing past that traumatized child who was saved by All for One.

Camus resists utter hopelessness or nihilism. He argues that we have to live with the knowledge that our efforts will be futile, our memory will disappear, and our species irredeemably corrupt and violent and that we should endure nonetheless. We are like sisyphus the greek figure ordained by the gods to continually push the boulder up the hill, only for it to fall back down again. That, even in the face of that we must try to cope. Shigaraki is anti-coping and anti-comfort, while Himiko seeks comfort. She seeks happiness and normalcy, even though she understands the fact that there is no such thing as a ‘normal life’.

“One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”

3. Heroes and Villains

Shigaraki and Himiko are complementary characters and foils to one another who are meant to be side by side with one another. As the plot progresses they only grow closer to each other. Even in their roles to the story as antagonists, they are both foils to the respective hero and heroine.

Shigaraki is the foil of Deku. They were both mentored by previous generations on opposite sides of the conflict, Shigaraki by All for One, and Deku by All Might who has the quirk One for All. They both wear trademark red shoes. The story is primarily about their growth, Deku’s growth as a hero, and Shigaraki’s growth as a villain.

Shigaraki when confused about his own motivations and why people will not come to understand him and sympathize with him the same way that they do with Stain. He specifically seeks out Deku his opposite and foil, and tries to get the other to understand him. They both agree that the central philosophy about their characters both orbits around the same thing, in this case All Might.

Himiko in the exact same way seeks out Ochaco and shares her feelings with the girl, as a way of trying to understand herself. Both of them have the same primary motivator, that is feelings love for others, but also wanting to become more like the people they love because they find themselves insufficient.

They are also both the cheerful and bubbly girl of the group. They are both friendly to almost everyone they meet. They both seem to always be cheerful but at the same time are deeply observant of others. They both want to become heroes/villains for reasons that are more self involved instead of believing in a greater cause like justice. Himiko comes from a rich family and ran away from home, Ochaco comes from a poor family and left home to help support her parents financially.

Ochacho’s most important relationship is her relationship with Deku. They are seen as a pair helping one another grow. Therefore it stands to reason as their foils, Shigaraki and Himiko are also a pair that help one another grow on the villainous side of things.

This is not to say Himiko’s sole motivation rests on a man, but rather Shigaraki and Himiko can be seen as complementary characters responsible for each other’s growth. As Shigraki has the restraint that Himiko lacks, and Himiko the enjoyment of life that Shigaraki lacks. Even their attitudes are complete inversions.

Shigaraki is cold, aloof and distant with his attitude to everyone. He seems intellectual and analytical, yet at the same time internally just like Himiko he tends to be motivated by childish emotional fits, and also his desire to understand himself and others around him. Seen as when he threw a temper tantrum because Stain got more attention than he did. As logical as he seems, he has a tendency to lose himself to his own emotions. He can go into a trance of raw emotion in the same way that Himiko does.

Himiko is always pleasant and always smiling all the time. She seems to run purely on emotions and never put any thought into her actions besides which whim to follow next. She seems like someone enjoying her life to its fullest. Yet inside of herself. Yet, when someone gets in the way of Himiko chasing her desires her reaction is not to go into a frenzy like Shigaraki, but rather to suddenly go cold and start acting logically. She is shown capable after all of explaining to Jin when he’s losing his mind, that they have to put aside their own personal feelings in the short term because it was the only way to get what they want in the long term. Himiko seems like an impulsive idiot, but she’s also a capable reconnaissance and field agent that’s entirely capable of acting on her own in the best interest of the league and calling those shots herself.

Himiko has also been shown to desire the same kind of connection that Uraraka has with Deku. Rather, she has grown to desire that. This marks a change, because usually Himiko does not care at all about the recipient of her feelings. She only cares about expressing her own love, and not being loved in return. However, she’s shown to specifically notice how Deku trusts her and values her as an individual. That they have a mutual connection rather than a one sided one.

Which hints Himiko’s desires may have changed from simply chasing crushes to wanting someone mutual. The current Himiko may not see other people as people, but to have mutual feelings she would have to see them as people. She has to at least acknowledge one other person as an individual with feelings that matter besides her own, in order to be able to receive those feelings.

4. Himiko’s Ideal Man

That being said, Himiko has been shown repeatedly to have a specific type that she’s attracted to.

Her first victim is shown to be a boy resembling Deku. She later finds Deku and Stain both cute because they are people who are covered in blood. This preference is obviously related to her quirk, but it also might be related to her suppression.

Himiko was taught her natural attraction to blood was abhorrent and deviant. The only way anyone ever tried to teach her to deal with her feelings were repression. Therefore, she repressed, and repressed. Being covered in blood is the opposite of repression. It’s someone wearing their heart on their sleeve (literally because they’re bleeding all over it) the same violence and bloodshed that she was taught to repress. If anything I would say she falls in love with that expression of their repressed violent sides because that is what Himiko wants to be. The opposite of what she was told to be. Expressed, instead of repressed.

Stain, and Deku are also people who fight to be unflinchingly true to their own ideals. That is they fight to remain themselves. That’s why they’re always getting covered in blood. Himiko wants to be able to be herself, to her that’s the most important thing. Ochaco suppresses herself, but Himiko loves the fact that Ochaco is loved and valued by Deku just for being Ochaco.

Himiko’s also shown to have stuck with the league for a long time, despite the fact that she’s one prone to running away to chase impuslive desires, and two the league has almost nothing to do with Stain anymore.

Himiko even says her reason for staying is that the league makes her feel good. The League is the reason that she’s stayed in one place for the longest time in her life.

Shigaraki is obviously someone who fits Himiko’s description about what she likes in men to a T. His style is always to charge straight into a fight, even if it results in his body getting broken and hurt. He practically walks around with a bleeding wound on his chest his emotions are so raw. We always see him get covered in blood and keep going in his own fights. Despite Shigaraki meeting that criteria of person, we don’t see Himiko ever obsess over him the same way that she does with Stain, or Deku to the point where she stops seeing them as a person.

It’s probably for a simple reason, if Himiko became Shigaraki, that is murdered him and took his place, then she would no longer have Shigaraki the individual there as a presence in her life.

5. Himiko’s Changing Feelings

Himiko appears as someone who does not see, or understand the feelings of other people at all. She has no regard for them and doesn’t even understand them as people. I don’t think Destro’s assessment of her is inaccurate, she clearly observes people and mimics their behaviors on a surface level and can even deduce their reasons behind their actions and yet does not see them as people fully independent from her with her own thoughts and feelings. And this method of observing others, without acknowledging their separate individual exist prevents her from being able to connect with them. Even though she knows that people are capable of forming connections with each other in an intellectual sense.

However, Himiko’s feelings towards others may also be changing and developing in the same way that Shigaraki’s feelings have. Himiko states that she wants to “become” other people, and that there is some truth to what she’s saying that it’s natural to want to emulate the person you admire. Her impetus for change has always been the other people around her. However, as long as she does not see other people as people she will frustratingly never be able to get too close to them.

Himiko is someone who only thinks about her own values, and her own happiness, and yet we have seen her acting for the sake of someone else.

Himiko wandered away and yet kept Tomura in mind, doing something beneficial to help him. In the same chapter we see official art drawn of Shigaraki sitting on the chair adorned by hands, the symbols of him chaining himself up while Himiko cuts the red curtains in front of them letting light pour on him a symbol of her freedom. Once again, their opposite natures could be beneficial to one another as Himiko could ultimately be a person freeing for Shigaraki to be around.

When Himiko tells Shigaraki point blank that she does not want to do anything that would make her uncomfrotable or anything she finds personally unpleasant, Shigaraki shows her his first ever smile in the series. In Himiko (And Twice’s) eyes he does not look like a monster, but rather a young man earnestly smiling at them as he speaks his true feelings. That is not only did Shigaraki show his first smile to Himiko of all people because she needed him to speak his true feelings to understand his intentions, but also Himiko agreed to do something she did not like, not for the sake of herself but for someone other than her.

While Shigaraki is not someone that Himiko understands quite yet, she’s also someone whose feelings she accepts.

That is why, for Shigaraki’s sake Himiko who chases only pleasure does some rather unpleasant things.

She infiltrates the Yakuza and follows their orders

The league is the longest time she’s stayed in one place.

Himiko, who is defined as impatient and impulsive has spent the better part of a month literally chasing a giant man down a mountain and barely sleeping or eating so she can keep fighting him in shifts. Literally, nothing at all about that is pleasant.

Himiko is the most impulsive and stab happy member of the group, and paradoxically she’s also the most loyal and listens and trusts Shigaraki. Himiko even listens to Shigaraki when he tells her not to stab, which is her literal favorite thing to do.

Himiko is sociable and free. Shigaraki is restrained, but capable of holding his emotions back and making decisions that are best for the group. Himiko likes getting along with others and values others but does not see them as people. However, due to the league but Shigaraki and Himiko have learned the values of their teammates around them.

They both remind each other that other people besides themselves exist. Shigaraki even puts a hold on his plans to destroy everything, because Himiko reminds him that she still wants to enjoy the things she loves. Shigaraki only looks at the pains of life, and Himiko only looks at the pleasures, but they sort of need to understand each other to become more well balanced people.

Himiko accepts Shigaraki despite not understanding him. Shigaraki is the reason that himiko found a home where she could be her unrepressed self and be accepted, as the league all bands together around Shigaraki. Himiko claims she does everything she does in order to get close to a vague and unspecific “someone”. Who originally seemed completely interchangable to her. It could be Stain, it could be Deku, it could be Uraraka. They were all just immature crushes, meant for feeling the feeling of love rather than caring about the feelings of the person she loved.

However, that unspecific someone may have evolved into feelings for an actual person that Himiko has no realized yet, and a desire to be able to connect with them and share the same emotions, and a struggle because she genuinely does not know how to connect.

Himiko has this broken paradox about her where she wants to not deny a single part of herself, and be the monster that other people see as her indulging it all the while. Which requires her to not care about the opinions of other people at all. While at the same time she still cannot deny her very human desires, the desire to connect, the desire to be loved, and because she cannot stop being human so far she has only taken half measures and made broken and bloody attempts to connect rather than opening her eyes to look at others. It was an immature way of connecting.

That her desires have matured from chasing crushes, to wanting to be loved in the exact same way that Ochaco is loved. That is trusted, and relied upon as a person. She even says explicitly, that she’s lucky because Deku trusts her. Himiko’s actions when they are for someone else, have always been to become someone Tomura can rely on and is one of his most trusted people.

When she says she wants to become more like the people she loves, she imagines herself as someone lovable, someone who has earned the trust of another peson, a good girl completely unlike her Ochaco and wears it as her own. However, Himiko cannot become that person and half of the face melts away revealing that she will always still be Himiko underneath.

At the end though, while her face is still revealed unconsciously she imitates Shigaraki, both in motivation and in pose. He’s the last thing she thinks of before she starts thinking of the feeling of wanting to get closer to others again. Himiko’s one true desire that there is someone who might love her and trust her as herself, and not as a good girl like Ochaco revealed only by slipping out indirectly in the her last true moments of consciousness. Likely, because Himiko is probably yet still unaware that her own desires have changed this much.

Her feelings are maturing, and she has become capable of seeing at least one other person besides herself as an individual. Thus in turn her feelings grow as well as she wants this feeling to be reciprocated and the other party to see her as an individual too.

That she, who is literally so malleable that she can literally become anybody, might just want someone to love her for being herself.

Himiko and Shigaraki as different as they seem like night and day, both have the same deep desires. They both want to become individuals. They are both on journeys of existential self discovery outside of the boundaries of society, and both of them capable of change. Meeting each other, working together, has only sparked this change in each of them. Shigaraki had to grow and show his true face to her, to earn her trust and cooperation. Himiko had to grow and become someone capable of thinking of others so she could be trusted by him. Love and hate are not opposites, they are complementary forces that are meant to help each other.

#shigaraki tomura #toga himiko #shigatoga #meta #mha meta #my hero academia meta #my villain academia #shigaraki meta #himiko meta

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nezumiismissing · 5 years

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Missing Character Analysis Pt.3

So we come to part 3 of this series, finally. For the uninitiated, this is where I talk about the characters that were included in the novels/manga but left out of the anime for any multitude of reasons, and how their omission affects the story as a whole (Part 1+Part 2). I won’t say it’s the last one, because there are a few more characters I want to talk about, but this will probably be the last long one, as the characters remaining are fairly minor and there isn’t quite as much to analyze. That being said, this monstrosity is over 3000 words, so if you do decide to read it, make sure you have the time. It’s kind of wild, things get a little conceptual/abstract, but it’s at least marginally coherent, and that’s all that really matters, right?

So this time around we’re actually going to be talking about two characters, Fennec and lab coat man, not because they are too minor to deserve their own posts, but because they are too interconnected to focus on one without talking about the other. As the leaders of No.6 they hold a huge amount of power, and yet their dialogue occurs almost entirely between themselves. And while individually they are completely different people, what makes them strong characters is much more about the role they play as a single force within the city. Each one of them will get a section of their own, and then at the end we’ll move into the discussion of them as a “unit” and how their absence affects certain aspects of the anime. I'm going to start with lab coat man because, for me at least, Fennec is the far more interesting of the two, so I wanted to save him for last, as well as the fact that chronologically, he also makes the last appearance out of the two of them. Also I’m just going to call him Labcoat because he doesn’t have a name and that’s basically his only identifying feature.

Let’s actually start with that. The fact that he doesn’t have a name (even less so than the mayor) but still appears in the story is extremely odd. I’ve mentioned in the past that something I really like about the anime is the lack of any characters guiding No.6’s actions, which make it seem like a full character with a will of its own (I will touch on this later). But there’s something almost as creepy about knowing who the antagonist of the story is, having an in-depth understanding of his ideology (even if it’s bullshit), seeing him have full on one-on-one conversations with other important characters, and yet having no way to really identify who they are or how they ended up in this position. His character is overly vague and simplified, but to an extent that ends up being nearly as terrifying as him not existing at all. He’s the one that’s actually running No.6, making every major decision about what direction the city should move in up until the very end of the story, and yet his death happens without us seeing it, and without the intervention of any of the main characters. This functions not only as a way to show how insane he was or to what extent he isolated himself in order to do his work, but also reveals the fact that he is completely unnecessary. Not to the story of course, he’s very important to our understanding of No.6, but to No.6 itself, his existence was meaningless. No one outside of Fennec and Safu (the two people he is shown interacting with) ever make reference to his existence, and even after he dies, and the main characters find his body in the mayor’s office, he is only mentioned for a moment to explain what had happened to him. He seems perfectly happy with this arrangement, but it leaves a lot of questions unanswered. How did he become the most powerful man in No.6? Why did he do it? Was complete power always his intention, or was he an idealist in the beginning like everyone else? We’ll never know the answer to these questions, but at the same time, it doesn’t really matter why he did it. Labcoat is a character that is so integral to the story and its events that his motives and existence outside of his ideology become completely meaningless. Which almost seems contradictory, but is also maybe the point of his character. Rather than an actual character with a concrete purpose and role in the story, he is a stand-in for the ideology that drives No.6, similar to the way that Rashi acts as a personification of the sociopolitical status of the city (please read my obscenely long post about Rashi).

At the root of this ideology, and Labcoat’s character, is the overwhelming fear of failure and losing control. Scenes including him are centered on his progress updates, which immediately are recognizable as nothing but reassurances, that “it was only a small obstacle”, that “it should be under control now”. At no point are we under the illusion that he actually knows what he is doing, and with no information regarding what is actually going on until near the end of the story, we are left to watch him desperately struggle with something that is either impossible, or doesn’t exist at all, much like the concept of utopia itself. We already know that his ideology and rational thought process will not allow him to accept impossibilities or non-understandings however, and so it is at this moment that we fully become an active part of the story ourselves, not as simple observers or analysts, but instead as a driving force in the plot, here in the form of the source of Labcoat's paranoia. Within the story, there is no doubt in his mind that anything and everything can fall under his control, and to a point, he is right. Elyurias is ultimately able to defeat him and No.6, but only after severe damage has already been done and some control had been taken from her temporarily. By existing outside of the story, we exist fully outside of his realm of control, and in recognizing our existence, he must come face to face with the reality that certain things exist that cannot be rationalized (more thoughts on this concept another time). Again similar to Rashi, this realization causes the collapse of his ideology, and by extension, No.6. Because that ideology is the entirety of his character, there is no reason for him to remain a part of the story, and so he is killed, quite literally, by irrationality.

Fennec is one of those characters that from the outset is obviously more complex than is let on. He's the undisputed mayor of No.6, wielding unprecedented power over every single character we meet in the story. But he doesn't really want any of it. And as I mentioned above, he doesn’t really have it either. Now whether he realizes that he is being used by Labcoat or not is unclear (up to a certain point), but it is obvious that he knows that he is not fully in control of the city. His only real job is to serve as the face of No.6 and its perceived ideals, keeping the general population from ever suspecting that anything may be wrong. However, even in this job he is unable to succeed, and ultimately only exacerbates the process by which citizens become suspicious of the city’s leadership. He is arguably the most ideologically pure character in the entire series, other than perhaps Karan, whose ideology is not fully developed over the course of the story, and Safu, whose purpose in the story does not even necessitate any kind of socio-political stance on her part. Despite what he has ended up doing and taking part in, I don’t think that he ever really moved away from dreaming of an ideal world, and while much of his uncertainty about his position certainly stems from being unsure of whether or not they are moving the city in the right direction, I believe that much of it is also part of working towards one of the questions that frames the entire series: “Is it even possible to create an ideal world?”. Without an answer to this question, he is unable to overcome his uncertainty about his own position in the city or move forward ideologically, and thus is easily used as a tool by others such as Labcoat to further their own agendas and ideological positions, rather than develop his own ideas and work towards his own goals of utopia.

While some of the other characters such as Labcoat, and to a certain extent Rashi, are very much a personified version of the city in its idealized authoritarian form, Fennec exists very much on the opposite side of the spectrum, and instead paints a picture of the political and ideological structure of No.6 as it actually is, and likely always has been. While Fennec, like everyone else in the Rebirth Project, went into the creation of No.6 with utopian ideals, he is also probably the first, if not only, one of them to realize that what they were attempting was likely impossible, at least in the way they were attempting to do it. With the information about him we are given, it seems safe to assume that he may have been suspicious from the start, and perhaps was pushed into the leadership position not only as a way for Labcoat to become the de facto ruler of the city, but also in order to convince him that the city was indeed possible, and that it could only happen with Fennec's help. This of course was never a good idea, and likely led to a good portion of the instability that allowed the story to happen in the first place, but by portraying a leader that is so uncertain not only of the concept of the city itself, but also in his ability to lead such a city, we are able to see just how unstable the situation has been from the very beginning. This makes Karan’s comments about Fennec much more interesting as well, as at face value these are obviously comments about the distrust of leadership in the city, and thus distrust in the city itself, but in seeing Fennec’s own insecurity, we are able to place these comments also within the context of a distrust of the self, and a recognition that the entire situation is really out of everyone’s control, making the stability that marks No.6 as the “Holy City” subject to collapse at any time and for basically any reason, which of course it ultimately does.

Basically every death in this story has immense impact, often resulting in significant character development or otherwise important shifts in the story, and Fennec’s death is no exception to this. Like Labcoat, his death occurs without being seen and without intervention, although this time the main characters are at least aware that it is happening, but nonetheless it shifts the tone of the moment. In my experiences reading this scene, it’s always been there to create a quiet, grounding moment for both us and the characters to come back to reality and start processing everything that has happened over the past 9 books. The entire last half of the series is incredibly dense with action scenes, sensory overload, and things that are so far separated from reality that it’s difficult to figure out exactly what their purpose is, and even before entering the Correctional Facility, peaceful scenes are few and far between. So in this brief moment at the end of the series, when we know for a fact that No.6 has finally fallen and the nightmare is (mostly) over, we are finally able to enjoy a single moment of certainty amidst what is otherwise complete chaos. In these moments we are able to see Fennec realize not that he had necessarily lost against Nezumi, Shion, and the protesters, as his actions were almost entirely a result of Labcoat’s manipulation, but that he had been manipulated in the first place, and that his own life had been taken over by the “idea” of No.6, rather than the reality of it. The death of Labcoat and the realization of what had truly transpired within the city results in a return of control to Fennec over his own life, as well as over the city. With his knowledge of the city’s truth, and newfound power over it, he must now make the choice of whether or not to justify everything that has happened up to this point. Manipulated or not, he recognizes his position as the symbol of the city, and therefore his role in its actions, and so in keeping with his utopian ideology, he does the only thing he feels is appropriate in order to avoid going against his ideals and once again relinquishing his self determination to a yet-undecided power. I can’t say whether or not that choice was the right one, and opinions are probably going to differ a lot between people, but it is at least an action that, unlike so much of the rest of the series, is not unexpected and can be rationalized outside of an authoritative framework.

I’ve already done some of this, but this last section is going to go into how these two function as the single unit running No.6, and thus how their lack of presence affects the structure of the anime. On their own of course neither one of them would be able to take on the position of leading the entire city, and although neither one really seems interested in being deeply involved with the other, they have become dependent on each other in order to remain individually stable, with Labcoat needing reassurance that he is indeed in charge, and Fennec needing reassurance that an ideal society can exist, despite neither of those things being entirely true. As a unit, they represent two sides of No.6 in reverse relation to their own positon within the city. That is, Labcoat represents the idealism and scientific superiority that characterizes the world’s perception of the city while remaining a highly secretive figure, while Fennec represents the frailty of the city that is kept hidden from the citizens, despite acting as the city’s public persona (I will be referring to them as a unit from now own because their function is collective rather than individual here). This unit itself is a highly isolated structure (relationship), interacting with only a few other characters within the story during important moments, but otherwise interacting only within itself. This is what allows this setup to work at all, as their isolation enables them to freely trade information and plans between themselves without involving others or worrying about the information finding its way out of the structure. While it is clearly highly manipulative on the part of Labcoat, this is unclear to Fennec as well as the citizens who watch the mayor speak, and so the unit is able to stay intact as it is without being questioned by those who may seek to oppose it. This does not free them from criticism, obviously, but instead makes it impossible to criticize only one or the other from the perspective of a citizen, because as far as they are concerned, they are the same person. The unit, in having two distinctly different personalities functionally taking the place of one, is able to efficiently complete tasks semi-publically that would otherwise be seen as unacceptable by publicly presenting itself, and in fact believing itself to be, an idealized system of leadership which works in the citizen’s favor. Labcoats’s mistakes are able to be rationalized as small obstacles through the lens of Fennec’s nonunderstanding, and Fennec’s paranoia of this nonunderstanding mitigated through Labcoat’s complete trust in scientific inquiry and methods.

Despite the omission of these characters and the unit entirely from the anime, the story is still able to work because the city itself is able to take the place of the unit as the primary actor in the events of the story. With no leadership being portrayed throughout the anime, we are left with the impression that the events are unfolding independently of any kind of governmental system, or at least the government that does exist is vague and devoid of ideology outside of “militant authoritarianism”. Instead these events are framed almost as a type of natural occurrence that likely could not be avoided without the formation of some kind of mediation system such as a government, and without such a system, the responsibility falls somewhere else: society as a whole (or more specifically No.6). With no visible government in the form of the Fennec/Labcoat unit to control and mediate the situation, the unit expands to include everyone, as they become collectively responsible for governing themselves and thus understanding and accepting to a certain extent what is happening throughout the story. It would be a significant understatement to say that the sociological implications of this are immense, and someday I will write that essay. But today is not that day, so we’re going to stay surface level.

I would like to point out that yes, obviously this is not actually how No.6 functions. It’s not an autonomous collective governed by the people. It’s not even kind of a democracy. My point isn’t so much to say that No.6 is or even approaches being either of those things, but rather that the structure of the story, by excluding certain details and characters, gives us a conceptualization of No.6 that is far different from the one portrayed in the novels, and thus may in certain instances be seen as ideologically distinct. In this instance, the omission of Fennec and Labcoat, both independently of each other and as a unit, serve to create the feeling of the situation in No.6 as being entirely out of control, not as a planned series of events or experiments, but rather as a spontaneous occurrence fed by unexplained impulses felt by certain members of society, here taking the form of those recognizable as government officials or soldiers. While the government is certainly mentioned in the anime, and clearly exists in some form that is able to exert that level of control over the citizens, it exists mainly because the way we live requires a government, and so any story that does not explicitly state otherwise is simply assumed to have one that functions in a way we can recognize and relate to.

In the novels, although they are not the only ones in the government, Fennec and Labcoat occupy the highest position, and are able to confirm the existence of a structured government, and give insight into the background and current issues facing that government. Through them, the events taking place are to a certain extent demystified, and while not explained entirely, we are able to more accurately identify those events as being somewhat purposeful and directly related to the overarching story. Their absence in the anime, while useful in its own way for adapting the themes of the story and creating a sense of mystery in a visual medium, also result in a (perhaps unintended) ideological shift in the overall message of the story, leaving it unclear as to what exactly happened, or could happen in the future. Also, like most things that got left out of the anime, this seems to be at least partially a result of the time crunch of fitting 9 books into only 11 episodes, so while I may have (a lot of) issues with the overall result of this particular change, there also isn’t really much that could have been done about it outside of just making the show longer (which they should have done but I know that wasn’t really an option). Ultimately though, through Fennec and Labcoat, and their existence as a unit in the series, we are able to better contextualize the events of No.6’s story, understand how those events came to take place, and get a better sense of how No.6 as a city and a society really functions. With their omission, we not only lose those understandings, but the ideology portrayed and supported by the story also change, and while that change may not be important to the overall enjoyment of the story, the implications end up being quite significant, and not necessarily in the way you would want.

#no.6 #no. 6 #no.6 analysis #long post #this is disgustingly long i cannot believe #i dont think ive ever had such mixed feelings about something ive written before #its kind of a mess #please feel free to completely rip into it #thats what its for #plus im curious to see what yall think about some of these topics *eyes emoji*#also if you make it all the way to the end of this you are my hero #big shoutout to this being the longest single essay ive written for anything ever #original

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darisu-chan · 5 years

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Marco’s Feelings (Or How He Lied to Himself Almost the Whole Show): An Analysis, Part 1

Alright

So I said I was going to write an analysis after Marco’s confession back in Here to Help and what it means about his feelings for Star throughout SvtFoE. Now, I’m sure some people have said this before, others might have refuted this already, but I’m going to start by saying I knew Marco had feelings for Star back in Blood Moon Ball. I wasn’t really in this fandom back then, so I didn’t make any posts about it. I honestly thought it was obvious, but season 3 and 4 showed me that a lot of people take things at face value, so naturally when Marco confessed, well, some things I’ll be analyzing in this post, a lot were confused, others misunderstood. I’m here to clarify some things.

So, let’s go!

(Long post ahead)

Disclaimer: although this is my opinion, I’m basing it on the subtext of the show and not on what I just want to believe. I know I’m a starco shipper, but, honestly, the plot made me like them and not the other way around. I’ve shipped Star and Marco with other people, although, ultimately, I do prefer them with each other because of what I’m about to explain in a bit. So take that in mind.

Anyway, let’s start with what Marco actually said, and then I’ll be analyzing it part by part:

“Marco. You told me you love me.”

“Ah... Okay...” marco.exe stopped working

“Maybe it was just a fragment of your subconscious mind, but─”

“No. It’s not a fragment of anything. That’s... the whole Marco. Y’know, the whole Blood Moon Curse? That ordeal? Well, it’s bologna. I’ve felt like this since the beginning. I mean... I’m not a little boy... I know that you just don’t fall in love at first sight! The way I feel... it’s just gotten more intense since we first met. And it was intense at the start and I know it’s in the way.”

“In the way? Marco, why does it have to be bad?”

“It is bad if you don’t want it.”

“Okay, can we kiss?”

“Uh... please”

“Marco, I want you to love me because I love you.”

Okay, the part everyone misunderstood is the following: “I’ve felt like this since the beginning.”

How could this be if Marco had a huge crush on Jackie-Lynn Thomas and even wanted to be Mr. Lynn Thomas?! There’s no way he fell in love at first sight with Star! They’re just trying to push Starco! Marco didn’t even like Star!

And, yeah, but that’s not what Marco exactly said. Most people ignored what he said next and, honestly, that’s the part which is more relevant: “ I mean... I’m not a little boy... I know that you just don’t fall in love at first sight! The way I feel... it’s just gotten more intense since we first met.”

Marco knows it was not love at first sight, precisely, but more of an intense feeling. And, yes, as we know, Marco did not like Star the moment they met:

He was scared of her magic and what it could do, because let’s face it, Star had no control over it at the start

He was also pretty much annoyed at her

He didn’t want to show her around school or live with her, and he didn’t even like the laser puppies!

So what changed?

If you remember on Star Comes to Earth Ludo attacks her at the end, right in front of the Stop & Slurp. Star attempts to fight him, she’s even raising her wand, when Marco steps between her and one of Ludo’s minions and attacks him with his awesome karate moves. Star is very impressed with his abilities and together they defeat Ludo and his minions:

@isaackuo has said before that Marco bonds with others through shared fighting, and the first time we saw it was with Star.

Think about it, when you’re fighting someone with another person, you need to trust that other person completely, trust that they’re going to cover your back, as you’re going to cover theirs. It also involves teamwork and learning to understand body language. Never mind the fact that there’s obviousy an adrenaline rush, which helps with the intensity of the feeling. In the fight, both Star and Marco are in sync and, most of all, they are having fun.

On the aftermath of the fight, Ludo leaves and they are alone. Marco says that “It was amazing! You were amazing!” excitedly. Then Star is sad cause she believes that after all of that Marco won’t want to live with her, but he says that he doesn’t want her to go, that he wants her to stay with his family. Then Star, who is a very affectionate girl, hugs him for the first time.

This is the actual start that Marco is talking about. This is when he felt that intense feeling. It’s not the moment when they first met, it’s the moment when they became friends. Or the moment when they truly met each other. Starco is heavily linked with the idea that true love is born from a great friendship, which is why this is the moment Marco first felt it.

It’s not love. I want to clarify that. Because love comes from turly knowing someone, flaws and all, and still trusting them, accepting them, wanting to be with them, and caring for them. This wasn’t love then. But it was the spark.

It’s hard to explain, but I’m going to do my best to do it. Sometimes, you meet people and you don’t click right away. In fact, it can take years for a friendship to blossom between you and this other person, let alone a relationship. It can also happen you meet someone and you don’t think anything about them at all. If they become important to you, it’s through a serious of secondary meetings when you get to know them. Other times, you are attracted to someone right away physically, and you intend to be more than friends (this is what happened with Tomstar when they dated for the first time). Finally, there are times when you don’t know what it is, but there’s a feeling that a person is going to be important to you. Maybe it’s not love, maybe it’s not even physical attraction, it’s just this intense feeling that this person is important to you. What will happen next? Who knows. But you want to be by their side, getting to know each other better. Because you feel it in your very soul that you won’t be the same person you were after meeting them.

I’ve been through all of the above situations with the guys I’ve dated/liked/fallen in love with. I’m an adult, I’ve lived through a lot romantically, and I can say that, although I’ve appreciated every single instance of falling in love, especially since it’s so rare as an adult, the one that marked me the most is that moment when I first met the guy who would later become my first love. I knew even then that he was going to be important to me. And he was. More important than I could’ve ever imagined. Easily the guy who has changed me the most. And it’s this feeling the one I’ve been craving ever since. That spark, that intensity, is like nothing you’ll ever feel. It’s not rooted in attraction or lust, it’s more about your very being saying “Hey, looks like I find you.”

This is what happened to Marco.

It’s not that he necessarily felt attracted to Star in the same way he was to Jackie, but there was this intense feeling that only got even more intense as time went on, as they bonded by living together, going to school together, and going on adventures together. And Star probably felt it too. Why do I say this? By Party with a Pony, Star already thinks of Marco as her best friend, and the sentiment is mutual. From then on, as they become closer and closer, so do Marco’s feelings.

So why didn’t he say anything? And why did he still have a crush on Jackie?

First of all, Marco had crushed on Jackie since he was in preschool, maybe even younger, as we can see in Freeze Day. Being 14 and all, it was unlikely for Marco to suddenly accept the idea that he liked anyone other than Jackie. But here’s the thing, Marco liked the idea of Jackie, he didn’t actually know her, as he himself admits in Sleepover. We can’t say, as of season 1, that he was in love with her. It’s easier to keep crushing on someone you don’t know because there’s nothing to lose. Marco could keep on just liking Jackie without any commitment or rejection.

Marco is deathly afraid of rejection. We have seen it numerous times. At the start of the series, Marco had low self-esteem and tried to be someone he wasn’t. He didn’t want to be known as the Safe Kid. He didn’t want to be known as this nerdy guy who never takes risks. He wanted to be a Misunderstood Bad Boy, which translates to being a daring guy who takes every risk, and that the girls as cool as Jackie fall head over heels for. That’s what Marco thought would get him the girl and take all of his problems away.

And who’s even cooler than Jackie?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe the magical princess from another dimension?

And Marco knows this, as he said in Cheer Up, Star

He also is very much aware of the fact that Star likes bad boys. She has a crush on Oskar, Mr. Skips-classes-to-play-the-keyboard and Guy with a Record. And Marco also knows all about Star’s ex demon boyfriend, Tom, as it’s made clear to us in Blood Moon Ball. These type of guys are cool, mysterious, dangerous and, yeah, hot. Guys so far removed from who Marco thought he was that he didn’t stand a single chance. Star did like the Misunderstood Bad Boy bit Marco tried to play. Because, back then Star was a rebel princess. She didn’t want to become queen and have responsibilities. She wanted to go on whacky adventures and live her life with zero attachments and commitments. Oskar, and even Tom before all his development, fell under this category. Marco didn’t. He never has. He’s always responsible and always worried about the future and the consequences of his actions. It’s not that he doesn’t let loose, but he knows when to and how to. Star didn’t back then, and she wanted a guy who was as rebellious as she was. If indeed, Marco had tried anything during the first season, he would’ve been ultimately rejected for these reasons... and he was, but I’ll talk about that later.

I’m not going to talk about every single interaction between Marco and Star, but just know that from the moment they fought together, they became closer and closer enough that Blood Moon Ball made a difference.

Honestly, when that episode aired I was surprised they had put in the minds of the audience the idea of romantic Starco. I had already known they would probably end up together, mainly because their crushes were untanaible and the kind you get before you actually mature and can fall in love for real. I just thought they would wait until the second season to explore that side of their relationship. But, nope, Daron Nefcy said “to heck with it” and boom! We had this episode. So, to dive into this, I could start with Tom and Star, but we’re not analyzing them. We’re analyzing Marco. So, to begin with, we’re made aware of the fact that Marco knew all about Star’s ex-boyfriend before Tom even made an appearance. I’m guessing that at some point they got around talking about their love lives, as teens will do, and Star vented about Tom. It hadn’t been that long since they broke up, or at least I got that idea from Lake House Fever.

Anyway, when Marco first met Tom, he saw him and Star together in the parking lot, and he immediately attacked and put himself between them, in a protective manner.

Then, when he finds out Tom wants to take Star to the Blood Moon Ball, he doesn’t want her to go with who he assumes to be a predator. And, throughout the episode, Marco does not want Star to go. I assumed before a certain scene when watching this episode for the first time, that he was just being protective of his friend. Friends don’t let friends go out with their exes, especially when they have hurt them. It’s not explicitly said, and I believe it also has to do with the way they turned Tom from abusive to an actually misunderstood guy with anger issues, but I always thought he had hurt Star a great deal by the way she refused to see him. However, Star liked bad boys, and was rebellious to a fault, so when Marco told her “hey, maybe this isn’t a good idea”, of course she wanted to go. And she went even if Marco didn’t want her to go. Up until this point, I wholeheartedly believed Marco was just a worried friend, he even says that he will have his own Blood Moon Ball in Star’s bedroom with blackjack and h**kers and then freaking Alphonse the Worthy says:

“Blood Moon tonight... The moon of lovers...”

That’s when Marco stands up and has the idea to go to the ball to save Star.

Now, again, that could have been misunderstood as the actions of a worried friend fearing their friend was about to go back to their ex. And yes, to an extent that is true of Marco. But listen closely to Alphonse’s lines, and you’ll notice there is an emphasis on the word lovers. It wasn’t put there as a mistake. That, paired up with Marco’s immediate reaction, leads me to think he was also acting as a guy about to lose the girl he likes. He was jealous of Tom. Of the fact he got to spend time with Star at the ball, but knowing that it was meant to be an incredibly romantic event, as the word lovers suggest, was the last straw. He didn’t go to stop the Blood Moon from happening, Marco didn’t even know that it’d bind the souls of two lucky souls together. He went there to get Star.

Although the beginning of the dance was incredibly romantic, I believe that Marco’s actions of wanting to get Star out of there speak more than the dance itself. Even after the dancing and escaping Tom, Marco believes he did the right thing and even goes as far as to say “I hate to say it but I warned you about Tom.” All of his actions don’t really speak of just a worried friend. A worried friend would have tried to stop her, but, ultimately, let her do what she wanted. Marco didn’t do that. He reacted to the word lovers and flipped. It wasn’t a coincidence. But what cements this argument the most is that, when Star explains why she’s mad at him, she says the following:

“I know you’re trying to look out for me, but you have to let me figure things out on my own. I don’t need a hero. I need a friend.”

A hero is the person who saves a damsel in distress and, normally, gets with her in the end. Star didn’t want to be saved. But, knowingly or unknowingly, she also shut down any possibility of romance between her and Marco. Because what she needed back then was for Marco to be her friend and nothing more. And Marco has a dawning realization during this scene, you can see it on his face:

So that’s what Marco chooses to be, Star’s friend:

However, the episode ends with the note of “but maybe they could be more” with the final scenes, not only showing that the Blood Moon has, indeed, bonded them together, but that their relationship is what is important:

I never, not even for one second, thought it was suppossed to be a curse. Just a traditional soul mates take on a pairing, as it’s been done before. In fact, by the way it barely even appeared in seasons 2 and 3, I don’t think it was that much of a curse, but they had to make it a curse and retcon it so that Starco seemed more legit to the audience, because they probably knew the fandom had begun calling it a curse, and the more they dragged out Tomstar, the more Starco seemed to be invalidated by the fans. I could go on and on about CotBM but I’ve done my ranting before. But this explains why I was not even surprised when Star said:

“What if it was never the Blood Moon?”

Because of course it was never the Blood Moon. The two of them already had feelings for each other. Star’s feelings for Marco are more hidden in the first season, and are mostly found on her diary entry “My thoughts on Marco.” But now we know that Marco started feeling something for Star back when they fought together with Ludo on the first episode, and that Marco went after her on BMB because the feeling got more intense and he was jealous. The Blood Moon chose them because they had feelings for each other, and not to force them to fall in love. They already liked each other, it was a matter of time before they actually fell in love. That’s why Marco says the whole ordeal is bologna, because it is. It had no real influence on his feelings for Star, because it didn’t start them. We can argue they intensified them, but that’s confusing because there were only like two instances in which we can say “yeah, definitely his actions were being intensified” and those were on Booth Buddies when he and Star kissed, and CotBM, at the beginning when he’s crying to Eclipsa about how adorable Star is. I also don’t believe he went back to Mewni solely because of the curse, but I’ll talk about that later.

This also explains why when they broke the curse with the severing stone, their feelings didn’t stop, because I’m going to argue there is no one memory of the moment they fell in love. Marco, and most likely Star too, developed an intense feeling after fighting Ludo and during that hug, but Marco says that, though he felt something from the start, it just got intense from then on. In another post after CotBM I said that, in reality, there’s never a moment that makes you fall in love with someone. It’s the little moments you share together that make you fall in love with someone. The Blood Moon Ball wasn’t the moment they fell in love, it was just one of the many instances in which their feelings started growing for each other. I’m going to go ahead and say that the decisive moment for both of them was Storm the Castle. That episode was the game changer not only plot-wise but in their relationship. Their hug at the end was the longest that season, and it’s one of their most important ones.

Resuming the events of BMB, after Star told him she needed a friend, Marco did an amazing job repressing his feelings and just being the best friend he could be. We weren’t shown Marco feeling anything romantic for the rest of that season, and even the first half of season 2. He acted like a friend to Star and he fooled not only the audience, but he also fooled himself. And it’s not like the two didn’t share very important moments together, they did!, but they could be interpreted as purely platonic. And you’d be alright with that assessment. Marco continued crushing on Jackie and Star on Oskar. The status quo wasn’t broken.

Of course this couldn’t last forever, which is something we’ll be tackling on the next part of this analysis.

I hope you have enjoyed this read so far. As it is getting extremely long, let us stop here right before season 2, and I’ll be continuing in another post. If you have any questions and comments, feel free to ask, my inbox is always opened.

If you disagree with anything I’ve said or you have something to add during the first season, also feel free to tell.

I will not, however, accept any curse words and hate in general. I am not claiming you all should like Starco or like the ending for that matter. I am just trying to explain the fact that his feelings did not come out of nowhere. The writing in this show has not always been the best, but the writers are professionals, so let us give them the fact that a lot of the show was foreshadowed in season 1, including Starco.

Anyway, this is it from now.

I’ll see you guys again in Part 2.

#starco #marco diaz #starco analysis #long post ahead

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whereissora · 5 years

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Sora’s Emotional Journey

This will be the second in a series of post’s analyzing Sora’s emotions throughout the kingdom hearts series.

The previous post can be found here:

https://whereissora.tumblr.com/post/182772262926/when-people-say-sora-never-showed-emotion-before

Back when the final battle trailer was first revealed, I read many comments on youtube saying things like how people were happy to hear his scream because it meant he was “finally showing more emotions than just happiness.”

Now Sora is an optimist, but something I know about optimism from personal experience? It’s usually a front/attitude people choose to live by to overcome thoughts/feelings that would otherwise be too much for them. It’s a coping mechanism and a state of heart/mind. Of course, no one can be happy all the time. This is what the term “cinnamon roll” refers to: a kind person who has suffered more than they deserve.

Not that all optimists are necessarily cinnamon rolls, but we can’t deny Sora is definitely BOTH.

When Sora arrives at Castle Oblivion he is warned by Marluxia that its a place where things are forgotten to make room for older memories to be remembered.

Sora could just turn around and leave, but Marluxia baits him with another lie: Riku and the King are also in Castle Oblivion. So Sora takes the bait and in doing so falls into an awful trap.

Eventually, Sora picks up on the fact that he, Donald, and Goofy are losing their memories and it causes him to hesitate. If he forgets that he’s looking for Riku, and that he made a promise to Kairi, how will he ever find them again?

Sora is definitely the keep-forging-ahead sort. When he first got the keyblade, all he could say was “I didn’t ask for this.” But when he learned he may be able to find his friends by traveling to different worlds, he accepted his role and was able to move forward.

Now the very existence of that role is threatened, and it worries him. He can’t help but doubt himself, and his mission here in Castle Oblivion. Maybe it would be a good idea to turn back--

But Goofy reminds Sora that, even as a heartless, Sora was able to hold on to the most important memories. So together, they decide to keep going.

What Marluxia said has some truth to it--as Sora starts to forget his adventures, his past comes to the surface. He tells Donald and Goofy that when he was very little, there was another kid, aside from Riku and Kairi, that he was always with. However, she disappeared one day, and Sora, who was only four at the time and unable to comprehend the situation, could only cry.

Can I just say this little story ripped my heart out, first time I heard it? This sounds like a seriously traumatic childhood memory, and I thought Sora had repressed it unknowingly because that’s what happens when a small, helpless child is forced to go through something they mentally can’t handle: they block it out.

Sora has said “my friends are my power!” (”connecting hearts is my power” according to @phoenix-downer’s analyses) and yet he still forgot an important, childhood friend. You can see on his face when he admits he “can’t remember her name” that the guilt is KILLING him, but Goofy reassures him that it’s sure to come back to him, like the other memories.

As he struggles to recall the past, Larxene appears. She mocks him for forgetting and attacks him, knocking something from his pocket.

And when Sora sees his friend’s good luck charm, he is finally able to recall her name:

Namine.

Namine is the name of the friend Sora lost all those years ago. Namine went missing for reasons he didn’t understand, and in doing so, slipped through his arms and from his mind. Namine is being held captive by Larxene and Marluxia, and he must rescue her. And even though he’s happy to remember her name, Sora is frustrated that it was Larxene who made him remember.

He is soon reunited with Riku, who also remembers Namine. They clash a few times, each time ending in Riku disappearing somewhere within the castle walls. Sora does know that he must somehow save Riku and bring him home, even if he has forgotten Kairi and the promise he made to her.

Sora and Riku have been together since childhood--like brothers. They played, laughed, and ran together. Even though they’re so different, they’ve bonded, and Sora’s not willing to throw that away even if Riku is. Sora defeats Riku AGAIN (without hurting him too badly, too, which is impressive) and although Riku refuses to listen and runs off, Sora swears that Riku cannot “push him away.” It isn’t just to save Namine, and it was never just to fulfill his promise to Kairi. Sora wants to save Riku for his own sake, too. Even so, it must take tremendous determination and strength of heart to endure this--fighting Riku again and again.

Later, Vexen appears and forces Sora to take a good, hard look at what’s really going on in Castle Oblivion. How real ARE his memories of Namine? Vexen tells Sora that it is his heart that remembers Twilight Town, and he’s right--Sora feels as if he has been to Twilight Town before, even though he KNOWS that isn’t true. This disturbs Sora so much that for a moment he almost believes Vexen, just as Vexen is about to tell him the truth. Unfortunately, Axel appears and puts an end to Vexen, shocking Sora to the point he actually appears grieved.

His eyes widen in shock, his mouth opens and closes multiple times, he starts to shake his head a little--he’s in a state of denial. He knows the Organization is his enemy, but he can’t believe they would strike each other down like that. As someone who values his connections to others above anything else, he becomes so disgusted with Axel that he demands to know:

He starts to say it but he has to speak up. He’s struggling to talk--he’s so shaken and repulsed that he can barely function. He’s truly, rightfully angry. On behalf of Vexen, of all people, because even if they were enemies, no one deserves that.

Namine is still in danger, though, and Vexen, the one who claimed to be responsible for Riku’s strange behavior, is gone. When Riku reappears, Sora believes Riku is saved, But Riku still doesn’t want to work with Sora. Riku insists he only cares for Namine now, and he shares a little story: a memory he shared with Namine, when they were little children watching a meteor shower, where Riku vowed to protect her, and she gave him her lucky charm. Sora is confused because that’s his memory-- he promised to protect Namine, and in turn, she gave him her lucky charm.

Donald and Goofy feel something’s amiss because it’s impossible for Riku and Sora to both have the same memory. Donald insists this is an important detail, and Goofy urges Sora to calm down and think things through, but this just angers Sora.

He just saw someone die FOR NO REASON AT ALL and all he wants is to save his friends and get out of here. He takes off, leaving Donald and Goofy behind, and refuses to listen when Jiminy tries to talk sense into him.

With Axel’s help, Namine escapes and she and Sora are finally reunited. Sora is relieved to see her safe, alive, and right in front of him. But Namine has a terrible secret, and she urges Sora to remember the girl he truly cares for. Confused, Sora looks at Namine’s good luck charm, insisting he cares for her the most when--

Namine’s good luck charm transforms back into Kairi’s. When he looks at Namine’s silhouette in the distance, he sees her image replaced by Kairi’s.

Still unable to remember, Sora runs to Namine to learn the truth. He’s devastated to admit it--but he now knows the girl he truly cares for, the one most important to him, whom he was always with, wasn’t Namine. He doesn’t understand how he forgot [Kairi] or why he can’t remember her name. Larxene appears and exposes Namine, right as she is about to tell Sora the truth:

Sora and Namine were never friends. Namine is “a manipulative witch” with power over memories. She’s able to rearrange them, even plant fake ones. Everything Sora knows about her is a lie, and to make it worse, the Riku he met in Castle Oblivion was also a lie--it was just a replica, made to look and sound like Riku, whom Namine was forced to brainwash into thinking it was the real Riku.

Sora’s in complete agony over this revelation. Everything he’s been fighting for has been a lie--Namine was just being used against him and Riku was never even there. His anguish quickly sparks, turning to hatred, and he warns Larxene “you’ll pay”--kudos to Haley, for this, because I CANNOT hear this line without getting chills. Sora is furious, but he’s also helpless, he can’t move well enough to stand up (or heal himself?) as shown in the scenes prior where he struggles and fails to get to his feet. I feel like he’s referring to Donald and Goofy here. He must feel terrible over not listening to them, and now its too late.

Thankfully, Donald and Goofy arrive in time to heal Sora and together, they put Larxene in her place. Namine tells them that she was forced to manipulate Sora’s memory by Marluxia, and Sora leaves with Donald and Goofy to defeat him. Once that’s done, Namine explains that in order for her to put Sora’s memory back to how it used to be, he needs to forget everything that’s happened in Castle Oblivion.

This is not an easy decision for him to make. As I mentioned before, Sora values his connection to others above anything else. His friends are his power, and now Namine, even if he didn’t know her before, is definitely a friend. She told him --she called out to him because she was lonely, and she did what Marluxia said because she didn’t want to be locked away, alone in the castle forever. Sora doesn’t want to forget her, or leave her alone. But he knows that he must remember his past adventures and his real life.

Sora chooses to forget Namine, and in so, chooses to risk their connection. However, they make a promise to meet again, face to face.

Sora has yet to remember any of this, and it was implied by Marluxia in Kingdom Hearts III that it’s impossible for him to remember:

More important still is Sora’s need to thank Namine. The precious note Jiminy made in his journal before their long sleep began was the first, and for a time, only clue Sora had that he had forgotten something--someone--very important.

Someone he insisted he thank face-to-face.

Someone he has yet to be reunited with.

And hopefully, we’ll see that soon.

#kingdom hearts #sora #the disney prince with no experience #kh3spoilers #repliku #namine #marluxia #larxene #castle oblivion #honestly the angst in re:COM is legit

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sheikah · 6 years

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A rant no one asked for about the potential for a bad ending to s8:

Every time I see an interview or serious discussion about the ending to GoT, it’s cryptic and ominous as fuck. While sometimes we can attribute this to cast members being sad about closing this chapter of their lives, there is still room to interpret most comments as a negative view of the ending itself--something that will upset the audience, divide them, stir up controversy, make people cry, etc.

This is immediately followed by general panic and rampant speculation from the fandom, usually that our faves are going to die. For the past year, I’ve combated this by trying to stick to my guns about the ending being overall good, saying that my interpretation of a “bittersweet” ending is not a tragic ending. After all, that’s how GRRM has characterized his ending before.

But now even I’m starting to doubt. Yes, people can mislead fans deliberately in interviews. We’ve seen it happen again and again prior to past seasons. But I don’t feel that same vibe this time. There’s this common denominator among all of the interviews and comments about the ending--that it’s “fitting” of the series, or how it “had to be” this way, etc etc. In other words, an ending in-keeping with the general tone that we’ve seen on GoT over the past several years, with the implication that it’s a hard pill to swallow, but there’s no other way.

THAT is what has me finally giving into the panic that others feel. Because just like everyone else, I know that the thing that first made GoT famous and set it apart, the thing that made it water-cooler-conversation fodder all over the world, was its ability to shock us. I mean really shock us. By “us” I mean the GA--mostly non-book readers who were totally fucking floored by things like Ned’s death, the Red Wedding, etc. When these sorts of shocking, utterly tragic deaths happened, I would see reviews or critiques of the show mentioning how brave or ballsy it was to be that subversive, to see the heroes killed off so brutally. It was praised.

So when people say that the ending is going to be the fitting ending for GoT, even characterizing it as what “had” to be, something “brave” on the part of the writers, I am starting to agree that this spells doom for our heroes.

And that’s fucking stupid.

Being subversive is all well and good, but there needs to be a point.

I’ve seen people defend the idea of a tragic ending by reciting that stupid Ramsay Bolton line: “If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.” Basically they’re saying that since most of the show thus far has been unhappy, the ending should be the same.

Fuck that. I think it’s the opposite. If you’ve been paying attention, you know that the reason the whole entire world is still obsessed with GoT years later is not its shock value. It’s also not the titties, or the violence, or the blockbuster-film-caliber effects and battle scenes. It’s the characters. We love these characters. We’re obsessed with this characters. We cry for these characters. We analyze them and draw them and paint them and write about them. Why would we want to see them all destroyed?

People are so compelled by GoT not because it massacres its cast of characters, but because the audience is so desperate and eager to see it all come full circle. We haven’t ever seen characters on a television show suffer as hard for as long as we’ve seen the characters on GoT suffer. So people keep watching, hanging off the edge of their seats, tweeting and live blogging and crying and ranting because we’re waiting for the payoff.

We can tolerate what happened to Ned because we eventually saw Joffrey die horribly. We can stand knowing that monsters like Meryn Trant exist because heroes like Arya are there to stand in their way. We can sit through Cersei’s horrific walk of atonement because we know that she destroyed the religious fanatics who were tearing the country apart. We face the seemingly hopeless war with the White Walkers because Daenerys Targaryen has dragons and the courage to ride them.

We keep tuning in again and again, getting kicked while we’re down, and getting back up to watch our faves suffer. We do it because we’re waiting for the Dream of Spring to come true.

So stop accepting this line of bullshit that we like GoT because it’s crazy and shocking and upsetting, and that the brave, fitting ending would be equally crazy, shocking, and upsetting. No. Absolutely fucking not.

The brave, fitting ending would be to spare the little girl who suffered alone and afraid in the Dothraki Sea, the girl who grew up to return home in a blaze of glory to claim her birthright and save her kingdom. The brave, fitting ending would give that same girl a life and the family that she thinks is lost to her forever. To let a woman be the one riding the dragons and slaying the monsters, and not taking her life in exchange for her hard work.

The brave, fitting ending would be to let the bastard boy who literally died defending his people find a future worth living for, so that he can be grateful for his second chance.

The brave, fitting ending would be to let the deadly assassin with a heart of gold build her own wolf pack with the people who’ve helped her and loved her along her journey.

The brave, fitting ending would let the dwarf who was mocked and looked down on all his life find a way to make his mark on the world like he’s always wanted, to be remembered for his wits and his judgment and his advice. It would let him find love with someone who isn’t going to betray him.

And as for “paying attention?” Anyone paying attention should know that like literally all stories, there has to be unhappiness along the way. It’s called conflict, and not a single story can be told without it. The only difference between GoT and a long list of other popular stories is that its conflicts are always serious--life or death--for every character. But like any other story, that conflict still needs a resolution.

If everyone dies, what happens in the resolution of GoT? What is the takeaway for the audience in the final moments of the denouement? As millions of people all over the world sit on their couches watching the last frames of the biggest television show of all time, what is the message that GRRM and D&D want those viewers to understand? That the human race is flawed? We already know that. That we’re all doomed? How revolutionary. That hope is ephemeral and redemption isn’t guaranteed to anyone? That no matter how hard you try or how much you toil, there are just some obstacles that even the world’s greatest heroes can’t overcome? Why?

I don’t accept that. Not for a minute. Why would GRRM’s LIFE’S WORK amount to that? And what message would D&D be delivering to their viewers, now, in 2018, when the world is already facing the challenges of climate change, when the United States--their own country--is divided and conflicted and uncertain, seeing decades of progress at risk under the current administration? WHAT IS THE POINT if their ending just shows that no matter how hard you try to fight corruption, no matter how long you strive to protect others, it will never be enough?

GRRM is not William Shakespeare. And while ASOIAF clearly draws some inspiration from him, it’s not a tragedy or history play meant to liken world leaders to tragic figures from Greek myth or romanticize suffering to placate the peasant class. There is literally no reason for a nihilistic ending and if we get one, I’m going to L O S E I T.

Anyway, this was inspired by similar sentiments from @muttpeeta and @yocalio. At least we’re suffering together, ladies.

#negativity #i guess #game of thrones #got #sorry for the rant #but actually no i'm tired #so tired

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melancholyandphilosophy-blog · 6 years

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A little bit about Me

It’s 1:21am on a Monday morning and I can’t sleep. That’s nothing new. Sleep is one of many things I’ve fought with over my lifetime, along with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, sexual assault, losing and finding myself over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, we all have our battles. I don’t think I have it any worse or any better than anybody else, but I do think I may have analyzed and understood its depths a little better. All my life I’ve asked “why?”, and just when I think I’ve solved one problem, another one arises. I never stop questioning. It’s a blessing and a curse.

To be honest, I think it’s mostly a curse. Trying to understand in a world that is under no obligation to be understood. Trying to make sense of chaos. I am grateful, though, that I see things the way that I do. You’ll begin to understand why.

I think I’m fairly special. I think we should all think that of ourselves; if we don’t, who will? I’m learning the true meaning of speaking things into existence and along with that, the value of patience. We underestimate the power of our minds. We’re raised to ignore a lot of the signs and signals our bodies and the universe give us. We’re smarter than we think we are. I hope times change and we relearn the importance of communicating with our inner self, and working from the inside outward. Filling our cup before we try to pour water for someone else, and replenishing our own supply when we’ve run dry.

A little bit about Me.

I want to tell you the good things as well as the bad but I have to be honest, I don’t have very many happy memories from about age 12 to 19. I had a wonderful childhood with my two older sisters, my younger brother, and my best friend who lived next door. All of the laughs and love we shared have lumped into one heartwarming, longing memory of mine.

Most of my memories are sad. I read something once a long time ago that explained how humans retain the strongest memories when they felt the most emotion (hence, why I still vividly remember walking out of the school bathroom on the first day of grade nine with toilet paper stuck to my shoe because I was SO embarrassed, I haven’t let myself live it down). I have felt a lot of intense sadness, confusion, apathy, and anger in my lifetime. I’m not so depressed anymore because I’ve come to know myself very well through all of the ups and downs, but we’ll get there.

The first time I cut myself was in grade five. I took my mom’s sewing scissors to my wrist. I knew they were sharp enough because one of my sisters had accidentally cut herself with them years before. I don’t recall feeling particularly sad until after I drew blood; I think initially I was just curious.

My curiosity (and borderline fascination) with pain and death stuck with me from a very young age. When I would hear of deaths in the news I would wait until my parents had gone to bed to get online and read about it. I watched horrors and thrillers and crime shows. I wondered what would come after life and I concluded that it must be eternal blackness. I didn’t believe in God or an afterlife because life was too painful and cruel to think that there was some greater good purpose behind it all.

The night before my grade eight graduation I got my first period. Everything went downhill quickly after that. I’m specifically mentioning the beginning of puberty because I think it’s connected to my fall into depression, and it’s something I’ll probably blog about later. Scientists neglected to research women’s health until recent years with our progression towards equality. I think puberty effects young women’s emotional health much more than we give credit for. Even still, at 21 years of age, I tussle with suicidal thoughts for one week out of every month. Without proper sex education and open discussion about mental illness, our daughters are in danger. The dawn of puberty was a very dark time for me.

I remember the very first time my laugh felt hollow. I was in class with my best friend, we were joking around the way we always did and we laughed until tears but something didn’t feel right inside of me. I didn’t feel happy, I didn’t experience any joy. I felt empty. I started relating to dark music and depression blogs on Tumblr where I’d find posts that seemed to describe the way I felt better than I could. Posts such as someone taking off a smiling mask to reveal their “true self”, a face of agonizing despair. I began to draw as an outlet for my overwhelming emotions. That and basketball were the only things keeping me sane.

When I was in grade nine, articles surfaced about someone my age from another province who took her own life. It stuck with me ever since. I read every article there was to read, and following that I researched the most effective ways to kill oneself. Shortly thereafter, I tried to drown myself.

When suicide didn’t work, I tried to take control over something easier to grasp. I stopped eating. I consciously ate a granola bar every third day. I collapsed on the basketball court due to malnutrition and was taken to a dietician. I saw her a few times and convinced everyone that I was cured. Now, I was eating to feed my families concerns, just to run away and spit/puke up much of my food.

I hated myself. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I sat up until 4 and 5 in the morning every night staring at the wall, inaudibly sobbing, cutting my inner thighs just to feel something. Eventually, I stopped crying at all. I stopped feeling altogether. I was perpetually numb, I was angry and confused and waiting for it all to end. One thought ran through my brain all day, every. single. day. “I'd rather be dead.”

I got caught up in a dead-end relationship throughout high school. My friends and family would ask me what I was doing and I would dismiss their concern because I really thought I was in love. Looking back now, I don’t recognize the girl I was in that relationship and at that time in my life. I endured a series of unfortunate events that all convinced me that I was worthless, nothing more than a piece of meat for a man’s pleasure. I was used, abused, manipulated.

I’ve always been afraid to write or talk about these things in fear of hurting the people who hurt me. That’s really fucked up, actually, that after all the pain they’ve caused me I will still worry about their wellbeing more than my own. With that said, my suffering doesn’t dissipate the love I had for these people. I have a soft and forgiving heart, but it is beaten and bruised and it’s ready to be free. Sexual abuse has haunted me for 8 years now. It has affected me in many ways that, when I find the bravery, I will discuss later in order to shed light on just how harmful it is to its victims. It’s not always a drunken encounter; in fact, quite often sexual assault occurs within relationships. Looking the first person you ever loved in the eyes and choking out the words “you’re raping me” for them to carry on until you black out will inevitably change a person.

I didn’t allow myself time to think about what had happened to me. I didn’t process my pain, I refused to accept what had happened. Instead, I fell in love again, this time intensely. This was a love I’d never known; one of respect, admiration, passion, lust, and everything else wonderful. When this was abruptly stripped from me, I mourned the loss of both of my relationships at once. I felt so small and so alone. I stopped eating, attending school, sleeping, socializing. I hooked up with strangers to feel like for a moment, someone wanted me. I was lost, and that was nobody’s fault but my own because I constantly relied on other people to provide me happiness that I couldn’t find within. I tried to kill myself twice more.

I am lucky to be alive. Lucky and so thankful. I don’t want to detail my suicide attempts because the people who are likely to resonate the most with this post are the people who, similarly to my past self, will make a mental note of those details for future reference. I am absolutely not here to tell you how to hurt yourself; I’m here for the exact opposite. I’m here to tell you why I thank God everyday that it never worked for me. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone, and to help you interpret feelings you might not understand yet. I’m here to tell you how everything hurts until one day it doesn’t anymore, and suddenly you realize you’ve been living a more fulfilling life than you’ve ever known without even recognizing your own strength. I proudly remind myself of how strong I am. I’ve survived years of fighting with myself mentally and physically. I’ve made it to 21 years old when I didn’t think I’d even see 16, and moreover, i’ve learned to count my blessings and appreciate the sick, twisted, strikingly beautiful life I’ve been given.

So that’s a little bit about me. That’s the short story of why I’ve become who I’ve become -- a hopeful young lady with endless potential, a deep understanding of pain and a burning desire to help others feel less alone. Throughout everything I’ve been through I looked for answers to wherein lies some fleeting desire to keep living, and I’ve finally found it. Maybe i’m just venting out all the things I’ve been afraid to say aloud. Maybe this is just free therapy for me. Hopefully at least one person will relate and find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their struggles.

My posts won’t be this dark in the future. Besides, looking back gets you nowhere. We’re looking forward with optimism. This is my story of love and loss, disconsolation and vitality, confusion and clarity. This is my story of recovery.

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years

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Johan, Tenma and Nina: “I am You and You are Me”

Hello anon!

Thank you for the ask!

In order to properly analyze Johan though, rather than focusing only on his relationship with Tenma, I think it is important to explore his relationship and foiling with Nina as well, so I hope you won’t mind if in this meta I explore her too.

As a matter of fact, I would say that Tenma, Nina and Johan are the three main characters of Monster and Nina and Tenma’s respective relationships with Johan are equally important to the final outcome and to define who Johan is.

I would also add that it has been a while since I read Monster and even if I will reread some parts for the meta, I am sure I’ll forget many details and subplots which might have added something to this analysis.

This meta will be divided into four sections.

- The first will explore the relationship between Johan and Nina/Tenma and how the picture books convey it.

-The second will say what Johan’s symbolical meaning is within the story.

-The third will be an analysis on who Johan really is (at least a hypothesis).

-The fourth will be a conclusion.

PICTURE BOOKS: TENMA AND NINA’S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MONSTER

In order to better flash out the relationships between Johan and others I will use the picture books mentioned in the story. I have already talked a little of these books in this meta:

The pictures books which are shown in the series are all pretty important both for the themes and for describing the relationships among the three main characters.

When it comes to Nina and Johan’s relationship, the book which mostly describes it is The Nameless Monster.

In this book there are two nameless monsters who represent the twins. They go in different directions searching for a name i.e. an identity or who they are. This symbolizes how the twins have lost their memories and don’t have strong senses of identity because of their past. However, they reach two opposite solutions. On one hand, the monster of the East who symbolizes Johan possesses a young boy and takes his name. However, in order to stay into the boy’s body he starts killing all the people close to the boy. Basically he creates a situation where, despite him having a name, nobody can use it. This is because the monster’s identity doesn’t lie in a name, but in him accepting his lack of a name (so Johan must accept his past) and in building relationships with others. On the other hand the monster of the West who symbolizes Nina accepts that he is just a nameless monster. This fits with the fact that, ironically, while Johan is always called Johan by the other characters, Nina is called either Nina or Anna and both names are true. What is important is that Nina doesn’t let her past define herself as much as Johan and that she finally accepts it and is able to forgive Johan because of it. Interestingly, the parallels between the twins and the monsters stop when it comes to the ending. As a matter of fact in the book the boy kills the other monster and so he effectively becomes a nameless monster since he lost the only person who truly knew him. However, in the series Johan never kills Nina. She and Tenma become two people he ends up not killing and so they end up saving his life and they give him a personhood by the virtue of simply knowing Johan.

Other than the Nameless Monster, three other picture books are mentioned. They are The Man with Big Eyes and the Man with the Big Mouth, The God of Peace and A Peaceful Home.

In the current meta I will not consider the last one which is mostly about Bonaparta’s redemption (it is the one about an evil magician who goes to a village to steal from the people, but ends up helping them) and is thematically linked to the idea that humans can change. I will instead focus on the other three.

I have already shared some thoughts on the book The Nameless Monster above, so I will now focus on The God of Peace.

While The Nameless Monster is important for Nina and Johan’s foiling, The God of Peace is important for Tenma and Johan’s relationship.

It is clear that the plot of the story calls back to what happened to Tenma.

The God of Peace is a deity who tries his best to make everyone happy. What is more, he is characterized as a father figure since he gives names to the children:

However, at one point a kid called Johan gives the God a hat and the God uses a mirror for the first time. This leads to him seeing that his own reflection is a devil. He realizes that there can’t be peace with such a Devil and kills it and, in this way, kills himself as well.

This is a metaphorical representation of what happened to Tenma. As a matter of fact the story starts with this question:

Tenma decides that all lives are equal and this is why he saves Johan instead of the VIP he was ordered to operate. The result of this is literally Tenma’s rebirth as a doctor. He is glad of what he has done and with time he is able to build a hospital without corruption where lives are treated as equals. After ten years from the operation Tenma lives in a blessed world where everyone is happy and where acting in the right way only delivers good results. His second meeting with Johan destroys this illusion and shows that Tenma’s currently idyllic situation came at the cost of many lives, that his superiors died because he wished they did in front of a sleepy Johan and that if he had just gave in to the corruption of his superiors a “monster” would have died.

In other words, Johan forces Tenma to realize reality is more complex than what he would like and starts Tenma’s existential crisis. This crisis leads Tenma to doubt his own ideals (is it really true that all lives are equal? Wouldn’t Johan’s death mean a lot of others will be saved?) and to try to kill Johan multiple times. Symbolically Tenma killing Johan would mean that he gives up on his ethical code and on his mission as a doctor. It would mean that together with Johan Tenma would be killing a part of himself as well and it is this specific part of himself that has been helping so many people. In order to kill the Devil Tenma must also kill the God of Peace.

In other words, Tenma finds himself facing an impossible dilemma and in this dilemma lies the main theme of the series which is conveyed through the third picture book.

In The Man with Big Eyes and the Man with the Big Mouth, two men are offered to make a deal with the devil. The man with the big mouth accepts, while the man with the big eyes refuses. As a result, the man with the big mouth has a very enjoyable life, but towards the end of it he realizes his mistake and regrets his deal with the devil. Now, usually one would expect that the man with big eyes has the opposite destiny. He might struggle in life, but will finally be rewarded in the end. However, this is not what happens and in the end the man with big eyes is just as miserable as the man with the big mouth. He regrets not having made a deal with the devil and it is by that point that the devil returns:

After Nina hears this story she is asked this:

This is not by chance because this short-story perfectly conveys the apparently dead-end the characters are all facing.

They can either refuse to buy into the ideology that different lives have different values or accept it. If they accept it, they end up corrupted in a world which is sad and dark. However, even if they refuse it they must accept the existence of someone like Johan who openly challenges the ideas of justice and of empathy. So, what should they do? What does the story mean? What is the solution?

The short story conveys a pessimistic moral. There is no way out and in the end everyone will surrender to the devil and lose hope.

This vision is a nihilistic one and nihilism is linked to this:

It is the “vision of the doomsday” Johan keeps talking about. This scenery comes up numerous times:

The first scene is the scene you asked about. There Johan looks Schuwald in the eyes and asks him what he sees. In this scene the scenery of the doomsday does not directly appear, but Johan invokes it with his words since he describes a reality of solitude where only he and Nina existed and had no names. This is a reference to their lives starting with the Red Rose Mansion incident up until when they were found by Wolf. By this point the reader knows nothing and probably Johan too has fragmented memories, but he is talking about the Three Frogs incident where their mother gave Nina up to Bonaparta (a town out of a fairy-tale), the Red Rose Mansion massacre (many people died) and Nina and Johan’s journey towards the border (my other self and I held hands and walked...we were the only two people in the world...and we had no names). All of these experiences end up being summarized and artisticly conveyed in other moments through the imagery of the vision of the doomsday which represents the absolute end and nothingness.

Wolf (in the second scene) sees it before dying and calls it the land of the nameless.Having a name in the story is symbolic of having an identity and this means mostly that someone knows you. If nobody can’t call your name, then you do not really exist and there is no proof of your existence. Relationships with others define the person to an extent and the land of the nameless is a dimension where all these relationships are lost and the individual is alone in front of nothing. It is a place full of solitude. This landscape is symbolic of Johan’s mind and of his vision of the world.

Before going on, I will like to highlight one last thing about the picture books. I have mentioned that the book A Nameless Monster seems to be a reference to Johan and Nina’s relationship, while The God of Peace is a reference to the bond between Johan and Tenma. This is true and especially evident, but what is said in both books is true for both Nina and Tenma.

As stated above, for example, in the end Johan is saved because of his relationship with both Nina and Tenma and not just because of the one he has with his sister.

At the same time, what is said in The God of Peace is true also for Nina and not only for Tenma. After all, there is this:

Johan repeats the Devil’s gesture to both his sister and Tenma in different moments. Nina also states this:

This is a direct reference to what happens in the story since Nina claims she will kill Johan and then herself. How does the story of The God of Peace fit Nina and Johan?

It has to do with their opposite coping mechanisms.

On one hand Nina removes her most painful memories. This is why she has forgotten about the Red Rose Mansion and later on she forgets about Johan and her attempted murder of him. In this way she protects herself and her idea of being “pure” and “righteous” somehow.

This is coherent with Nina’s initial strictness about justice I have discussed here:

Basically, she goes from an idea of justice which is extremely strict and merciless to an idea of justice which is intertwined with empathy and which refuses death penalty. She is also a character who starts out not believing that a person can be redeemed and ends her arc by forgiving her brother and believing that even he can find redemption. This is her arc in a nut-shell and the chapter the Fifth Spoonful of Sugar touches all of these ideas.

And it is made clear in scenes like this:

Nina is scared that remembering her trauma will make her a monster. She needs to believe that she did not assist to any massacre and that, if she did, the event left no scar on her. This is obviously impossible and this is why when she remembers what happened she showcases an unusual violent side and even presents suicide tendencies.

On the other hand Johan attaches himself to the few memories he has and, because of his own frail identity, ends up accepting as his own even Nina’s past. Basically, Johan is so scared of losing that little sense of self that he has that he has made Nina’s memories his own.

It is telling that in the beginning both twins are so sure of their respective roles in the Red Rose Mansion case that they barely question them. Johan is sure to be the one who saw people die, while Nina is sure that she is the child who waited for Johan safely at home. This can suggest that the two siblings had developed specific roles in their dynamic and that, to be more precise, Johan was the one who took upon himself the role of protecting his sister and the role of a devil, while Nina took upon herself the role of victim and of being “pure”. In short, they have both uncounsciously embraced a narrative in order to survive. However, these roles are clearly too simplicistic to describe the complexity of the situation and of both siblings and Nina’s journey is also about realizing this.

In summary, Nina has been using a coping mechanism thanks to which she has been able to repress everything negative that happened to her. Her brother is the link to these events, so her quest to find him and to understand him leads to her uncovering her lost memories.

This is why the metaphor of the God of Peace and of the Devil fits Nina and Johan as it does Tenma and Johan. Both Nina and Tenma were able to live peaceful lives at the price of forgetting or not realizing the truth about Johan. Johan is in other words a Jungian Shadow to the both of them and this is why they can’t kill him without self-destroying.

To finish this section, let’s underline that the three picture books we discussed have all grim endings and that all these endings were negated or subverted by the main story. In the end Johan did not kill Tenma and Nina and so he could continue to exist and did not become a nameless monster. Nina and Tenma did not kill Johan and so they did not kill themselves. Finally the Devil’s tempation was avoided.

AN UNINTELLIGIBLE DEVIL: JOHAN AS AN UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH

I don’t think that your struggle to understand Johan is by chance because all in all I don’t think Johan is a character made to be completely understood. Rather he is a character written to challenge both the readers and the characters to understand him. After all, the essence of Monster is the search for Johan. By this, I mean both the physical search for Johan since he needs to be stopped, but also the search of what made Johan Johan. Why is Johan the way he is? What motivates him? Was he born a monster or did he become one? And why?

The point of Johan is that there is no answer or maybe there are so many answers that it is difficult to find a definite one. This is why both Nina and Tenma in their investigations keep discovering things and offering answers only for those answers to be readily subverted.

For example, when Tenma discovers about Kinderheim 511 he believes that Johan has become who he is because of the ruthless mistreatment he received there. However, he soon realizes that even before that place Johan had already killed. That said, this does not mean that Kinderheim 511 had no effect on Johan whatsoever or that he is not a victim of that place. Johan is a victim, but the way he acts can’t be explained or excused with his victimhood.

Later on, Nina suspects that her brother has a double personality who forces him to commit crimes. However, this turns out to be false as well. This does not mean, though, that the lines Nina has read and which say “Look at me! Look at me! The monster inside of me has gotten stronger” are not true for Johan. They are and, even if Johan does not have any double personality, he still has an identity problem which is at the root of his behaviour.

Finally, both Nina and Tenma think that the root of Johan’s trauma is that he was given by his mother to Bonaparta, was brought to the Red Rose Mansion and assisted at the deaths of many people. However, even this explanation turns out to be false since it was Nina and not Johan the one who saw the massacre. That said, even in this case, their mother’s choice and the massacre at the mansion have had a huge impact on Johan, but not in the way everyone expects. What is more, even in that case, his behaviour can’t be excused and can’t be completely explained since Nina went through similar experiences and reacted differently.

In other words, to quote a character from another franchise:

In short, what is upsetting about Johan is that he does not let the characters or the readers find simple solutions and his presence brings up distressing truths. What is “evil”? How do you behave in front of someone who embodies the essence of evilness?

This is why Johan is clearly associated throughout the narrative to the idea of the Devil, while Tenma is clearly associated to the idea of God. Where Johan kills and destroys, Tenma helps and cures.

This is why their fight is symbolic of the battle between good and evil and at the same time, it can’t be solved with one killing the other. As a matter of fact Johan does not want to kill Tenma, but wants to kill what Tenma believes in. At the same time, Tenma killing Johan would mean the defeat of his ideals.

Basically, Johan is not a character easy to empathize with. Don’t get me wrong, people will surely empathize, but even in that case, I think they will mostly empathize with fragments of his story, rather than with the entirety of it and with all its contradictions. This is because he is written in a way which makes him difficult to process.

Maybe it is because of this that, in the end, the fact Nina and Tenma are finally able to empathize with Johan is something which turns out incredibly important for their development and the focus stays on them in those moments to the point that we never get to properly see Johan’s POV and how he reacts to this empathy. To be honest, we can’t even be sure that Nina and Tenma are right in their conclusions even if the story highly implies so. As a matter of fact Nina and Tenma’s moments of realization are moments which present Johan filtered through their own eyes and them finally understanding the “monster” lets them finally understand themselves.

In Nina’s case:

She arrives at the conclusion that if she had just forgiven her brother back then and probably seeked help, she could have avoided everything that happened later. She reaches the conclusion after seeing Bonaparta’s drawings, remembering the man’s words and remembering Johan’s tears in the past and imagining his present ones.

Once she reaches this understanding of her brother she is ready to forgive him and she actually wants to. Nina’s arc is great because it shows that forgiveness does not equal redemption. Sometimes there is redemption without forgiveness (like in Bonaparta’s case since it is implied Johan has not forgiven him), while sometimes there is forgiveness without redemption (Johan has done nothing to amend, but Nina still forgives him).

In Tenma’s case, his final understanding of Johan comes in the very last chapter and it is this:

I would like to highlight that this scene in itself is ambiguous. Is Tenma dreaming? Or is Johan truly talking with him? It is not clear, but in the first case we can say Tenma has finally understood the truth behind the mystery Johan is, while in the second case we have Johan finally opening up about what hurt him the most.

In both Nina and Tenma’s cases, it is important that their understanding of Johan is radicated in their understanding of themselves. Nina is Johan’s sister and so she must understand him as a sister, she must untie and solve all the ambiguities and misunderstanding of their relationship and uncover the past they share. Tenma is the doctor who saved Johan’s life and clearly Johan has laced on him as to a father figure, even if in a twisted way. Because of this, it makes sense that in the end he is the one who realizes how much his mother’s choice has affected Johan.

In other words, Johan is a mirror of both Nina and Tenma and his elusive nature is what keeps the story together thematically. The story asks what a monster is and if the answer were simple the story would not be so captivating.

In the end both Tenma and Nina “defeat” the devil, but they do so not by killing him, but by refusing his nihilistic logic. They have managed to free themselves from the devil’s constant tempation. Even if the life of the man with big eyes is difficult the only hope lies in fighting against evilness and injustice through a correct behaviour. If one leaves that path they will only suffer and lose themselves.

This is also why the final image is so powerful:

Johan disappears once again and we, as readers, can only hope he will use the second chance he was given in a positive way and not to start another cycle. That said, this is something we can’t be completely sure of as we can’t be sure of evilness completely disappearing from the world. What we can be sure of is that it is necessary to resist it.

“LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! THE MONSTER INSIDE OF ME IS GETTING STRONGER!”: THE EMPTINESS BEHIND THE SCARY MONSTER

Let’s consider this:

This scene shows Wolf giving Johan his name and how he indeed was inspired by the Picture Book the boy had with him.

This is important because it shows how Johan’s identity ends up being strictly intertwined with those picture books. In a sense, Johan is the fruit of those books since he ends taking the name “Johan” used by different characters in those books, repeats the books’ lines in an obsessive way and even ends up unconsciously reproducing the stories in the real life. He does so by repeating specific lines and latching onto situations which resemble the ones he read in the books. For example, he identifies with the nameless monster of the books and tries to cope with the emptiness he feels inside by joining different families only to leave them and discard them once they are not able to fill the emptiness he feels. He identifies Nina as his other self, just like the Devil and the God of Peace of the books and repeats the devil’s lines to her. Once he finds Tenma aka an incredibly altruistic and selfless person who ends up saving his life he starts unconsciously replicating the same dynamic with him. He tempts people and manipulates them like the Devil of The Man with Big Eyes and the Man with the Big Mouth. It is actually interesting that Johan ends up always identifying with the devil instead than with other characters, but this can be partially explained by the fact that devils and monsters are the most recurrent characters in the books. This might be why Johan aka a child with a very frail sense of self ended up projecting on them specifically as characters appearing often and being constant. This might also be why he specifically latched on the name Johan which is often used in the books. In general, he develops a vision of the world which is pessimistic and nihilistic and which is the one conveyed by the book he was taught to study and to read.

This is important because in this way Johan becomes the heir of Bonaparta’s vision before his change of heart, while Nina who was shown a glimpse of love and of hope becomes the heir of Bonaparta’s ideals conveyed in A Peaceful Home.

What is interesting is that Johan’s emulation of the picture books became so severe specifically because of him not having a strong enough sense of self hence his necessity to latch on to things and to other people to define himself.

This is made clear since when his mother had to choose one of her children over the other. In the end, one of the reasons why his mother’s choice left such a huge impact on him was because he was not sure that his mother really intended to save him instead of his sister. Behind this doubt hides the fear of not really existing as an individual and of simply being a part of a set to the point that even his own mother is not able to distinguish him from his sister. This is a feeling which could probably be born because of the horrific childhood he and Nina had. As a matter of fact they were not given names and were treated like weapons by the people around them. What is more, the twins only had each other when it came to important relationships between peers.

This frail sense of self combined with the very strong bond Johan has with his sister leads to him confusing her memories for his. When it comes to that, this is interesting:

This is a glimpse of what used to happen in Kinderheim 511 and it is shown that some experiments there damaged people’s memories. This might be why Johan lost his memories and why in an attempt not to forget his sister he ended up making her past his. All in all, it is not clear when exactly Johan started confusing his memories with hers and it might have been before Kinderheim 511, during it or even after Nina shot him. The point is that the scene above shows Johan’s strong wish not to forget the person whom he defined himself through and how this wish is at the root of him twisting his memories.

What is interesting is that throughout the years Johan started reproducing a series of crimes which can be connected to his own trauma and to Nina’s one. On one hand he started killing parental figures and eliminated all the people who cared for the siblings through their journey. This is a response to the betrayal he felt towards his mother who gave up on one of her children and later on left them both behind. On the other hand he started organizing massacres to emulate what happened at the Red Rose Mansion.

These repetitive actions give birth to a pattern Johan himself is unable to leave. He is trapped in his own past and so he keeps reproducing it together with the fairy tales he used to read as a child.

This behaviour underlines a contradiction Johan has. On one hand he wants to develop relationships with others and this is why he keeps searching for new parental figures. On the other hand he is not able to properly have relationships which are not manipulative or exploitative. All in all he is never able to make “the monster inside of him” rest. This restless monster who keeps getting stronger is not really his violent side, as Nina thinks at first, but it is nothing more than the emptiness he feels because he does not really understand who he is. He can’t give any meaning to his life and so he keeps searching for one, does not find it, accepts nihilism and repeats. In a sense, he fails in his search because he has already given up on it before starting it. He has already accepted the vision of the doomsday.

CONCLUSION: GOD, DEVIL AND HUMAN

This analysis showed how Tenma, Johan and Nina are all connected and how there is a constant foiling among all three of them.

1) Tenma and Johan represent respectively the “God” and the “Devil” meaning that their respective philosophies challenge each other and embody “goodness” and “evilness”.

2) Nina and Johan embody two opposite reactions to a traumatic past. Nina completely removed the bad things, while Johan stayed attached to them to the point that he made his even Nina’s. None of these reactions is completely correct and this is why Nina went through a painful journey of self-discovery to retrieve her memories.

3) Finally Nina and Tenma are two people who start parallel journeys to find Johan and end up saving each other in these journeys.

As a matter of fact Tenma saves Nina in the beginning when he saves Johan and prevents Nina from becoming a murderer, while Nina saves Tenma from the same fate at the end when she stops Tenma from shooting and encourages him to save her brother.

All in all, it is interesting that throughout their journey they both try to kill Johan, but are against the other doing it as if they could see clearly that this action would negatively affect them:

So, in a sense Nina and Tenma too are mirrors and they can see their own pain and confusion in the other.

This last point is interesting also when it comes to the teological motif concerning Tenma. As a matter of fact Tenma represents God within the story, but at the same time his struggle and indeciveness are incredibly human. He never loses himself, but he is about to many times. So Tenma is both “god” and “human”. We can also say that he is a specific ideal incarnated in a human who has to face the fact that this ideal is not so easy to follow and to apply in the human world with all its contradictions. This is also true because of society incarnated by Lunge (a justice blind to the truth) and Eva (the corruption within society). It is not by chance that because of these two characters Tenma ends up becoming a suspect and is persecuted by society when he himself is trying to protect it. In a sense, Johan is able to act so freely precisely because he acts in Tenma’s shadow. Tenma ends up being Johan’s opposite when it comes to his relationship with others because while in the end very few people are left knowing about Johan, a lot of people know Tenma’s name. These relationships (or lack of in Johan’s case) are for both characters double edged swords. On one hand Tenma is initially suspected because of his relationships with others. For example his relationship with his superiors and with Eva puts him in a bad light. He is a man with positive and negative bonds and this is why he can be suspected of a crime, while Johan can’t and avoids imprisonment because of this. On the other hand Tenma’s relationships are also what saves him multiple times and in the end bonds are also what defeats Johan (the bond between a father and a son) and what saves him (Nina and Tenma’s bond with him).

In short, Tenma is a God made human, while Johan is a victim turned into a devil. Then who exactly is Nina? As @hamliet commented, Nina is humanity who must choose between the two ideologies offered to her. This is why, while both Johan and Tenma remain loyal to their respective philosophies from the beginning of the story to the end, she changes.

Comparing the beginning with the end makes it clear. The story starts and ends with Johan asking a person to shoot him in the head and with Tenma operating and saving Johan. The variable is Nina who starts the story shooting her brother and ends it by encouraging Tenma to save him. This is particularly beautiful because in the end it is thanks to the “human” aka Nina that “god” aka Tenma does not lose himself and wins. In the end the fight between these two forces is decided not by who is stronger, but by the people each one of them is able to influence.

Thank you for the ask! I am sorry for this very long ramble and I hope it is clear enough!

#naoki urasawa's monster #monster #monster meta #naoki urasawa's monster meta #johan liebert #kenzo tenma #nina fortner #anna liebert #my meta #asksfullofsugar #anonymous

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dentalrecordsmusic · 6 years

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DRM Unplugged: Exploring Musicians & Mental Health with Mike Bogs of Babe Patrol

In this guest blog series, Dental Records Music invites any and all alternative musicians to share their experiences with mental illness in order to shed light on the issues and hurdles they must face in order to create and perform. If you would like to read more and follow our series, check out this link. You can also check out PunkTalks.org for information on getting help and support if you are a musician who is struggling.

The following is a guest post by Mike Bogs, the guitarist for Babe Patrol. This is his story.

Most people will observe the “rockstar” lifestyle as being thrill-driven, so that any form of personal suffering is subsequently a direct consequence of living their life “on the edge.” However, in dispelling this warped delusion, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Sometimes the actual truth is difficult to face, and mental health, especially, is not discussed honestly enough. Unfortunately, we exist in a reality in which we have lost many of our beloved musicians and artists to absolute measures of self-harm, such as substance abuse and suicide.

Creatives continuously suffer excess anxiety over the scrutiny from those who are verbally critical of their craft. Even more debilitating though, is the potential of self-doubt and how it takes a toll on these talented individuals’ personal worth. It is difficult to understand how something so negative can come from someone with such a positive impact on others. For a lot of people, unless you are actively engaging in creative activity as your main passion on a daily basis, it’s confusing to figure out how these self-endangering behaviors can fester within an individual.

In working creatively there is a struggle of intense ambivalent emotions that occur. An artist can not create things that do not come from an emotional place without also feeling vulnerable. When you are emotionally invested in your work, it can leave you defenseless to a variety of mental strife that is created both from outside influences and internal doubt. During a thriving creative process, you enter a flow state, and enter into a manic-like state. Ideas can come from anything, creation can start with nothing at all, and this phenomenon can be extremely euphoric. This sets up a scenario, where the extremely low feelings will become an inevitability. As a musician and guitarist, I identify with this in enduring my own struggles with bouts of depression resulting from the intensity of these emotions.

Fortunately, my musical abilities have been invaluable to me in building confidence and have created a platform for me to form incredible relationships with other musicians and admirers alike. However, as is the nature with any passion driven project, these skills can also develop into a curse of sorts if you do not keep your mental health in check. For me personally, after my more immature years the fantasy of becoming a glorified rockstar seemingly became a delusion. At a certain point, a realization begins about the amount of sacrifice and effort one has to endure just to become a self-sustaining musician in today’s world. Most all artists will deal with countless instances of playing disappointing shows, releasing records that go undetected, and most debilitating of all, spending money without any prospect for a guaranteed financial return. After years of playing in many defunct and unsuccessful bands, I had moved away entirely from performing music for a brief period of my life.

It had driven me to stop participating in bands for a period of time to become a solo “bedroom musician”. In doing so, my new musical venture and goal was to pursue my passion for music by writing songs on my own. I worked vigorously in recording music on my computer while simultaneously educating myself about audio production and mixing in the hopes of releasing my own music. However, my biggest strife eventually became weighing the value of my work, as self-fulfilling projects can start to feel insignificant. One can really start to question if there is any point whatsoever in writing and releasing anything you’ve done before making it available to the masses. I soon developed a habit of denouncing my own songwriting by destroying more material than I was creating. It had gotten to the point where I was taking entire albums length of songs that I had recorded and permanently deleted those files from my desktop. Within them, I had everything mapped out precisely where I envisioned it and spent countless hours and sleepless nights figuring out how everything should be, all for a self-defeating act of eliminating it from existence entirely. By committing myself to an action that extreme and literally proceeding to destroy what I intended as my own personal “masterpiece”, so to speak, can be a tremendous blow to endure. Inevitably, actions like this have plagued me for years with ceaseless anxiety about my own self-worth and fallen into periodical depressive states from my inability to have something “show something for myself” in the form the music.

The manners in which I’ve learned to cope with these disappointments spawned from further struggles when I had gotten back into playing in bands. Although I am a perfectionist to a certain degree, I play every show as if it was my last and thus free my mind from all outside concerns. I put great anticipation into putting on a great performance for everyone who will attend and hopefully try to give them a meaningful memory, or a brief moment of enjoyment at the very least by showing my energy when the power of music takes over. However. after every single set I play through, I suffer the post-show blues. After rehearsing for hours and then playing a show, I reach a feeling of elation on stage to the point of having quasi out of body experiences. This would be immediately concluded with self-defeating thoughts and feelings, I developed an aversion to accepting any praise from others. I used to deal with this either by drinking heavily or abandoning my mental participation to the fullest extent by dissociating myself from the event entirely. This ended up being an outright rude way to behave around people and at times became reckless and potentially self-endangering.

It took me a while to realize that there was a clinical understanding of this phenomenon called Post-Performance Depression, PPD. After becoming more aware that this affliction is shared among all performers I developed a concern for others. So I started dealing with my own issues by supporting others with theirs and learned that having meaningful conversations was my saving grace.

I proceeded to make it my mission at shows to try my best to get to know the other musicians there. Too often people put up the mantle of competition between their co-artists in a bout for the most attention, or appreciative claim. Conversely, for me, it became an opportunity to get to know the like-minded individuals who are fueled by their own suppressed passions. Coincidentally, I soon discovered from these talented individuals that they go through just about the same charades when dealing with their own personal material. Similarly to myself, they are uncertain, self-deprecating; especially to the songs that they internally hold so precious to themselves. After identifying and empathizing with others I would be comforted in knowing that I was not alone in the ways I felt. It was difficult for me to understand at times how someone else so talented can feel this way about themselves and hide their creations. So in realizing my own personal struggles I became most rewarded in working to inspire those around me and convince them that they needed to share their art with the world.

I also think it’s important to realize that there are really only a few people out there that seemingly have the power to bring you down. It could be the internet trolls, who hide behind their illuminated veils with the sole intention of devaluing an artist’s work. Although, I think it is important not to fear criticism or suppress how you truly feel about something in a critique, the magnitude of malicious intent is what separates the predatory cyberbullies from the actively participating music critics. It may also be your peers, the ones that know you well and also don’t. Every artist implants a fantasy in their mind about what the big show might be like, the gratitude you possibly could receive from others if they share their enjoyment in your performance. Or the big release date, the day you finally reveal to everyone what you have been laboring on during your free time. It’s unavoidable to over analyze how your work may be interpreted. But it's so important to mature yourself in taming these fears and persisting to continue working and sharing what you love.

Just as suppressing the severity of your mental state by not talking about what's affecting you to other people, I truly believe that concealing your musical talents and songwriting creations will have the same impact on your mental state. It’s contributed much to my own suffering but I have learned, that although coping with these fears can be unavoidable sometimes, it is important to speak honestly with people you trust and who will not judge you for how you are feeling. By concealing my music out of paranoia, I’ve done not only a disservice to myself, but more importantly and the hardest to realize, I’ve let down my supportive peers in the music community by not sharing. There is always someone out there awaiting something, new and original and they will find value you never realized that is within your own work. This prospect has become so important to me now in continuing on with my own artistic development. It has given me the determination to support those in the community that are not alone in this journey of discovering their self-worth. I truly encourage everyone to become more aware and help those that are suffering. Even the smallest actions can make all the difference in the world.

_______________________________________________________________________

Mike Bogs is the guitarist for punk band Babe Patrol. You can follow him and check out Babe Patrol’s music on Bandcamp, Spotify, and Apple Music. Be sure to follow the band on Facebook and Instagram as well to keep up on their travels.

If you or someone you know is a musician and struggling with mental illness, check out PunkTalks.org.

Follow DRM on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

#babe patrol #mike bogdanowicz #mental health #mental illness #musicians #musician #punktalks #music #feature #drm unplugged

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inopinion · 6 years

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Date at the Docks

The Virals Series by Brenden Riechs and Kathy Reichs --- > needs more fanfiction, so I’m here to help.

Thanks to a tuna fish sandwich, I did not have to face down an entire evening of wedding planning. Kit had a simplistic desire to be married in a place of natural beauty, and so he proposed we drive out to Cape Romaine Wildlife Refuge. Whitney, of course, wanted something more traditional with a modern flair and thought Boone Hall Plantation and Gardens would be exactly the southern charm she needed. She’d made an appointment with their event planner, had planned a picnic, and packed the bug spray. Diner was to be al fresco at the end of a self-guided walk of the refuge. I was still in mildly hot water over my attendance record being mailed to his office rather than where I could intercept it. My grades hadn’t dipped more than a couple percent and so he was holding me hostage on principle. Plus he thought wedding planning as a family would be the exact start we needed in this new life of togetherness. Blargh.

But, like I said, thanks to a tuna fish sandwich and Hiram’s impossibly sensitive stomach, Mr. Blue had to wait at the dock for an additional twenty minutes. It was exactly the time I needed, as the text came just when Hiram staggered to the docks.

Can’t miss the appointment at the plantation. Feed yourself. No going out.

I texted back: Hiram should be here any minute, maybe five more?

He replied: Can’t. Late as it is.

Kit accepted most of my excuses on face value, it was one of the better aspects of our relationship, but showing some interest in the activities of Whitney’s designs got me bonus points, so the small white lie really hurt no one.

“Never again,” Hi groaned. We hadn’t even cleared the dock before he was over the edge.

Shelton and I shadowed the two middle-school kids that also lived on Morris to the front of the boat.

“So, what’s the plans for the weekend? Bank heist?” Shelton adjusted his glasses and kept one eye on Hiram’s folded form.

“Calculus. I haven’t started the assignment yet.”

“Oh, tisk tisk. It’s a killer. Took me all night last night to get through half. I’m gonna be hitting up the Call of Duty tonight though, little treat for keeping my nose clean for two weeks.”

“Have fun.”

“Yeah. But we’re going out tomorrow, right?” Shelton alluded to the pre-planned boating expedition to our favorite beach on loggerhead.

Even without my abilities, I felt like I needed to see Whisper and her pack. Like watching them would help me remember that connection. There was a good chance I’d come away upset or crying, but still, I needed to see them. “I assume so. I haven’t heard otherwise,” I shrugged.

Shelton raised an eyebrow. Ben was our ride, always, but he’d only managed to slip a few texts to Shelton on a friend’s phone in the last two weeks. His resilience through the class skipping wasn’t quite as high as mine and an emergency conference with his parents rendered him without a phone, without a car, and without a social life. It’s been a bit of a hard start for our relationship, as in a non-starter. It still stung a bit that every message seemed to go to Shelton, all three of them. I shouldn’t mope about it, but still, I was feeling more than uncertain about what exactly I should be expecting now that we’d assigned the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend to each other.

Another volley of overly loud vomit kept me in the here and now. I’d be at the docks in the morning, waiting to see what had changed from our last group ride out to Loggerhead. At least if it got weird, I’d have Coop and the wolf pack to keep me distracted.

Unfortunately, Friday nights had little in the way of televised entertainment. So while I attempted to procrastinate and put off the complexities of nested integrals, I made plenty of headway, enough to question if I had the right assignment. I even sent a confiramtion text to Shelton and got a positive response. But by seven o’clock, all my problems were done and what remained of my weekend assignments was seventy pages of reading for AP English. I turned my attention to The Age of Innocence and let the TV play in the background.

An hour, eight o’clock and I could imagine Kit and Whitney taking in the beauty of the refuge and I sort of wished I was there. Sort of, not really, okay I would love to see the refuge and I wouldn’t mind a little more time with Kit. Besides, the wedding was important to him and he was undeniably important to me. As my stomach growled, I could even admit I wished I had a little bit of Whitney’s picnic basket.

Lazily, I palmed my phone up off the table and gasped. It was still on silent from school which had meant I’d missed a message from Ben.

At my dad’s tonight, you around?

What did that mean? More importantly, in two weeks of radio silence, did I even want to come clamoring to his sudden beck and call? Shouldn’t I at least feign being angry? A glance at the time stamp - 7:12 - and at least I wouldn’t look desperate replying.

I wrote: Just finished some homework. What’s up?

What’s up? Yeah, that’s how you hook ‘em. I waited. Two minutes. Three. I turned on the notifications so I’d at least hear it and went to address my hunger in the kitchen. I made a sandwich, tossed a couple slices of meat to Coop and eyed the baking show on the TV with little interest. Still, no reply. What a start, maybe an ending. It hurt, not that I’d dare let it show, because what was there to hurt over?

Three fast raps on the door and butterflies swarmed my stomach and floated up into my throat. Was he skipping the electronic communications? Ben had cut off shorts and a trim, black t-shirt that looked slightly too small for his frame. It might have fit him in the spring or at Christmas, but he’d grown both taller and stronger in the time I’d known him. His hair was tucked back behind his ears and a slight pink coated his cheeks. Those long lashes saved him sweeping away those prickly thoughts I’d just been fostering.

“So, you wanna come out with me?” He fought the smile that threatened to crack his face.

“Yeah, sure. Where?”

“Just the dock,” he shrugged, then added, “Is that okay?”

Ben looked legitimately worried, like I wasn’t known to hang out on docks with moody boys and would be offend to partake. Coop rushed the door.

“Lead the way.”

His hand slipped out of his pocket and extended for mine. Would I ever get used to it? His elbow bent and pulled me into his side, which seemed like an expert move, had he used it on other girls? How many other girls? Why was I having dumb, over analyzing thoughts in the first place. I turned by attention to the feel of him: warm and solid; the smell of him: men’s sport deodorant and docks; and his body language: stiff, but not anxious. I took a deep breath of the salt air and shrugged my shoulders a few times to relax. It was Ben, just Ben. Just Ben-the-boyfriend doing the first boyfriend things… no sweat.

On the dock, he had one pole already cast into the water, another, presumably for me, sitting on the dock. Three buckets and a cooler. An already opened bottle of fancy root-beer was next to one bucket (his seat).

“So, what I miss? Felonies? Misdemeanors?” he asked, dropping my hand to take his seat and open the cooler.

He pulled out another bottle and dug his keys out of his pocket, digging deeper for his pocket knife. He used the bottle opener even though it was probably a twist off. But, sure, cool points, I guess.

“I’ve been on psuedo-house arrest, so not much. Wedding crap, homework, mostly. All-in-all, quiet. You?”

“Well, grounded. Redefining nothing.”

“How bad were the grades?”

“Three B’s. Nothing major. I’ve done worse at Bolton, but apparently the standards are different now that I’m at Wando.”

Ben lifted the second pole and offered it to me. I examine it and confirm it’s the same one from the last time we went fishing. The lure is the same shiny disk and feather combination. I lean over and look at his bucket. Nothing in it but water.

“We can toss them back. But I was hoping for dinner,” he smirks. “You remember how to cast?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Setting the feed, holding it with my finger I pulled the pole back and launched the line out beyond the dock into the deeper water. Ben’s lips were tight and his smirk never slipped. “What?”

“Nothing. You fish how ever you wanna.”

“What I do?” I insisted.

“Nothing. Just… I mean, fish like cover. Under the dock, by the boats, but you try the open water,” he waved his hand at his own line that dipped below his father’s ferry boat.

“Fine, I’ll reset it,” I started reeling it in. “Call it practice.”

“Sure, practice,” he sipped his soda and then got quiet. “Not the best first date, eh?”

I watched the lure under the gentle waves then pop through the surface. Was this a date? A first date? Did this count? It was after school, almost dark, no parents, no friends, he even brought refreshments. His hand curled into a fist on his knee, those Blue-moods coming to the surface. “It’s a very Ben first date.” I offered, kindly and with a smile. For good measure I pulled the pole back and released it, landing off the end of the dock.

“What’s a Tory-date? You know, for next time?”

“You have to ask?” I raise an eyebrow and glance at Sewee parked in it’s slip down the dock.

“Always wolves with you.”

“Use my predictability to your advantage,” a small nudge from my knee and he slid his bucket closer to me.

“How’s this supposed to go?” Ben asked, looking at the water, watching his line. We’re shoulder to shoulder like we have been on countless occasions, but I can’t recall ever having quite the same queasy feeling.

“I dunno. New to me.”

“I sorta didn’t think much past this.”

“Well, this is nice,” I declared, sipping from the soda in my hand. I see his on his knee, palm up, offering. His fingers are slightly chilled from the glass.

“So, why’d you text Shelton?”

His hand flinches in mine. “Only number I have memorized. Two-zero-zero-seven. Double-oh-seven. I had to borrow a phone from a friend. Only let me the once because he almost got it confiscated.”

“Oh. Okay.” More silence, the lapping waves, the bugs coming out for the night. Coop dashed through the grass and onto the dock, sticking his head into the space between Ben and I.

“Chaperons,” Ben groaned, pushing Coop away and getting licked for his effort.

“Oh, yeah, did you get rules?” I asked.

“Rules? About?”

“Me.”

“Oh, no, not specifically about you, just about girlfriends, but I don’t even know if my mom remembers it.”

“You’ve dated before?”

“Like middle-school, before Bolton. You?”

“Nope, not really, well, about the same, I guess,” I blushed at the memory of those make-out sessions behind Dunkin Donuts.

“So, rules?”

“Oh, Kit made sure we had the talk and everything. Apparently, seventeen-year-old boys are single minded. I think my existence sort of freaked him out.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Kit was seventeen when—you know—I happened.”

“Oh. Right. Well, I mean, that’s not gonna happen like right away or anything.” Instant awkwardness. I created instant awkwardness.

“Look, it better to be upfront about things, right? Talk about them? Anyways, Kit says we can’t hang out alone at each other’s houses, curfew—strictly enforced—and he wants to know if we go places where we’re going and when we’ll be back.”

“Okay. Sure,” Ben nodded. “But this is okay, right?”

“Yep.”

Then Ben’s arm moved around my shoulder, a smooth movement that tickled my stomach back into butterflies. “And this is okay?”

“Mmm-hmm.” My breathing stepped up and the sweat kicked on. His face next to mine, his arm pulling on my knees, rotating me on the bucket so we faced each other, his right knee between mine. “This is okay?”

Dear God, Ben had moves. Good moves. Moves that melted me and made my skin pimple into goose bumps. I nodded. Leaning forward our lips touched just slightly, enough for his breath to puff onto my chin. Then the line jerked and his pole fell off it’s prop. Stretching low and fast like a cat, Ben gripped the pole before it fell off the deck. I laughed at his sprawl, his bucket rolling into the ocean and riding on the waves four feet below. He cursed and reeled, keeping the fish on the line and eying the bucket for drift. I reeled in my own pole and while he fought his fish into the dock, I used mine to hook the handle on the bucket and drag it over to the ladder.

“It can’t be that small,” Ben groaned, the silver fish coming up in a leap. “It fought like a monster.”

“Making fish stories?” Kit approached. Coop trotted up the dock to great him.

“Hey, Tory, it’s nine-thirty. You got until ten.”

“Yep, sure thing,” I chirped wondering exactly how much he’d seen. Thankfully, it was getting darker by the moment and maybe my flush would fade before Ben had the fish unhooked and back in the water. Kit lingered, like he wanted to burn my scarlet permanently into my skin.

Coop circled around me, watching Ben’s fish come up over the edge of the dock. It flipped and kicked it’s tail wildly, still fighting in the air. Ben grabbed it and balanced his pole against his side. He grinned while he examined his catch.

“What is it?” I asked more to pull me away from Kit who just wouldn’t disappear.

“Croaker,” he held it up, holding it by it’s mouth.

“Cute.”

“People usually say, ‘a beauty’ but I don’t think ‘cute’ is really a term for fish.”

“Maybe I wasn’t talking about the fish,” I grinned. Ben rolled his eyes and tucked his hair behind his ear. Definitely cute. “Well, mercy or no?”

Ben glanced at the bucket and then back to the fish. “It’s not my favorite,” he lied and tossed it back into the oceans.

He wiped his hands on his pants, glanced at the path up to the condos and found it vacant. “Before anything else gets in the way—” he took the two steps he needed and crushed his lips into mine. His lips were tight with an exhilarated smile and his hands firm in how they held me still. Maybe it would be an awkward transition, but having that first real kiss out of the way was a big start.

#The Virals Series #Ben Blue #Victoria Brennan #Ben x Tory #Tory x Ben #Fanfiction #my writing

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ellacrossman96 · 4 years

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