#it’s been hard at so many points but I haven’t and I wont

[bpdohwhatajoy]

Thank you for being so open and honest about your experiences. It's easy to forget that such bravery is not easy and that the ability to keep moving forward and constantly processing all these things is not something anyone can do. Positivity-focused blogs have their places, but documented rawness like this is inspirational in its own right. I can tell you've fought hard, and that you are still fighting. I really enjoy reading your experiences, because I find myself in many of them and I find it beautiful that you're still growing and learning. I don't wish to offer my sympathies; more simply a thank you for being here, and for what you do. My best wishes.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[when-pigsfly]

// lucky charm

low honor!arthur morgan x female reader. mdni. dub-con fondling. i typed this on my phone and she’s unedited and and and and—

arthur knows dutch has his eye on you.

he’s got you by your elbow when he drags you back from the parlour house out in rhodes to meet the gang. assuages the concerns of having another mouth to pile food into with a long-winded account of your potential for pocket nibbling. you’d have nearly bested him, he says, if not for his reflexes. but arthur gets the feeling that it’s another one of his embellishments when you turn your cheek to look at a patch of dirt.

by the time he’s done, most have had enough time to take in the waxy pallor, the fact that you’ve been traveling alone, because what lady travels alone in these parts? in any parts? so the girls—save for molly—crowd in, pull your gills from his hook and shuffle you off to change you out of those dirty clothes before that wax starts to melt.

dutch is your second shadow around camp after that. telling you how smart you are for listening to his advice. smart is in short supply these days, apparently. he whispers it to you one night over the barrel that doubles as a table and a den for his rum.

(expensive—always expensive at night.)

he mentions that he saw you reading earlier, that’s good; it’ll be real helpful for something he’s got planned later. haven’t touched your rum, he reminds you. pushes the golden liquid toward your limp hand. it’s the good stuff—don’t tell mrs. grimshaw. oh, you don’t drink? no, no, that’s alright. fine by him. so he dumps what he’s poured into your glass into his while you take a dry gulp. he asks if you’ve got any family, pushes his knee just between where one of yours hugs the barrel, and the night noises seem to get louder.

not a one? oh, you poor thing—

and by this point, arthur’s already stuffed the heel of his hand into his ear to block out what he can and go to sleep. molly’ll pull dutch away at some point, anyhow.

so yes. arthur knows dutch has his eye on you.

(it’s just, he’s not quite sure he likes dutch right now.

but he loves a good joke.)

so when he catches you trying to put bullets through empty bottles out in the woods a week later, he crawls into your space. says looking pretty wont get you that shot.

you make it almost too easy for him. arthur watches as you shrink, and expand, and shrink again. you’re tripping over your sentences, and he thinks you bite the inside of your cheek one too many times, but you make him a deal: three bottles down in 15 seconds, and he has to take you out on a supply run.

your plan goes to shit, of course.

but arthur is nothing if not benevolent, so he brings you along anyways. tells you to stay close. no, a little closer than that. s’your head screwed on backwards, girl?

he’s not sure how you’ve managed to make it out here so long, so when he presses a searing palm to your lower back, brings you into his side, it’s with the careful consideration of someone that knows the kind of danger you’ll be in if you stray too far.

that’s what you’re telling yourself when your back is pressed to a wall of crates while shots are firing to your left, opposite shoulder scraping up against the brick wall to your right.

it’s a little harder when he’s squeezing your knee just a little too tight. rubbing circles with the pad of his thumb so hard that you think the flesh underneath might purple if the two of you make it to tomorrow. another bullet pops from his revolver, and when he sits back his body is a little closer. hand a little farther in. you’re almost certain he can feel the muscles jumping under his palm, even through the bunched up fabric of your skirt.

eyes shut, you wait for the noise to pass. it’s silent. your breathing is loud in your nostrils, but it’s silent. you can hear the people that’d caught you stealing following some other noise, and you go lax. finally. let this be the last time you try and play rough. your weight is in your heels, prepped to rock forward and stand, but a rough hand skimming your slit sends a jolt of electricity up your neck.

when you turn to look at arthur, he looks none the wiser. if the arm connected to the hand at your cunt weren’t attached to his body, you might be inclined to believe him.

(shh, shh, darlin’. i know, i know. just keep real quiet for me, hm?)

each pass of his thumb has you arching, knocking your head up against brick. you don’t have to look to know that your lips are drooling onto the ground below, but christ does it feel good. he’s gathering your arousal on his fingers, and you’re pleading for something, though you’re not sure what, and you can’t quite recall if you say thank you or why, or if your hips are wriggling away or pushing downward,

because arthur is pulling his fingers away from you just as quickly as he’d put them on you. like he’s grown bored. the sheen on his fingers catches the midday sun as he cocks the hammer on his revolver. loops his fingers over the trigger.

you watch in a daze as he leans out around the crates. but the moment he’s got his target in his sights, his arm falls into that well-worn position once he takes aim.

he’s nice enough to toss a cursory glance at you over his shoulder.

“thanks for the good luck charm, doll.”

bang.

(it’s dark when the two of you return; you’re thankful for it when you have to hobble back to your bedroll on shaky legs. you think you hear dutch clap arthur on the back, ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing—)

[neoflect]

sharing some of my disorganized jojo musical thoughts now that ive had a week to sit on it and ive rewatched it several times over. i intended to wait to publish something like this until a subtitled version was available, but im not seeing any indication that thats happening any time soon so for now youll have to deal with my loose interpretations from my extremely rudimentary and rusty japanese… so take what i have to say about the finer points of characterization with a grain of salt. gratuitous spoilers below obviously, both for the original source material and the changes made in the stage production

my feelings are OVERWHELMINGLY positive. of course there are things i can criticize or that i would have personally done differently but oh man… i have literally not thought about anything besides this fucking show for a week. im 100% confident in saying this is a better adaptation of the source material than the tv anime. sorry to the davidpro staff, i respect their hard work and their love for jojo and their dedication to what is by any metric a pretty difficult property to adapt off of the page, but i dont know if i can ever forgive them for leaving half of the first episode’s storyboard on the cutting room floor in order to fit a standard half-hour tv slot, especially considering that what they cut is some of the really crucial character-building stuff. happily those scenes are not only reproduced in the stage version, some of them are expanded upon!

with the quick disclaimer that i’ve only managed to get my hands on the final 4/14 performance with shotaro arisawa and yoshihisa higashiyama, from what i’ve seen the casting is perfect. i’m sure there’s a rip of the 4/13 performance somewhere (i’ve seen clips) but i haven’t been able to find one… every single performer knocks it out of the fucking park, the cast chemistry is incredible and even the minor characters are loaded with charisma. and mamoru miyano… my god… mamoru miyano i owe you an apology. i was not familiar with your game. of course hes been killing it for decades at this point but i had soured on him a little bit recently because i felt like he was overcast in everything and i just didnt connect with his dnt reinhard at all, so when the casting was initially announced back in august i was underwhelmed, and of course my standards for the dio role in particular were astronomically high… i’ll go more into detail later in the post because i have so so many things to say about dio’s characterization here but mamoru miyano’s performance is like, life-changing. i had impossible expectations and he exceeded them.

sorry if im gushing. i am a hater by nature. its unusual for me to be so thoroughly pleased with something. im not even a musical theater guy. these are strange new feelings for me.

just to balance things out i’ll talk about a couple of the things that didn’t really work for me: first of all, the music is just ok. my initial draft of this post called the music “bad” but three additional viewings later i have warmed up to some of the songs. i don’t know if this is a shortcoming by dove attia as the composer or if it’s just me, as i said i’m not a musical guy and a lot of the genre conventions of musical theatre are not really the things i look for in music that i enjoy, but like… even at their worst they are serviceable. nothing here is sonically unpleasant to me. high points are “resolve of the ripple” (zeppeli’s hamon training song, a jazzy swing number - it’s simply catchy and fun to listen to) and the closer “phantom blood” (a sweeping ballad that reprises the earlier “light and darkness”/”golden spirit” leitmotifs into an epic duet between jonathan and dio as they join hands and walk off into the darkness together… made me cry! i wont lie! on every single one of my numerous viewings this one got me misty eyed!)

wait i forgot this is supposed to be the part where i’m being critical. ok my most loathed song in the musical is “dio’s world”. sorry dio nation. it doesn’t really work for me. i think this might be a case of my standards/expectations being too impossibly high because it’s not even really the worst song in the whole thing. and of course miyano eats it up so it’s not really his fault. i just find it kind of underwhelming… i find the melody a little grating, it’s kind of just a generic rock number, it’s just missing a particular je ne sais quoi…. the essence of dio isn’t there… lyrically though i am obsessed with the premise of dio recruiting his minions by selling himself as a kind of social revolutionary who is upending and inverting the brutal hierarchy of post-industrial victorian society with zombie blood magic. you win some you lose some.

the second sticking point for me is the costumes. they’re perfectly serviceable… adequate… but i mean when it comes to jojo “serviceable” and “adequate” costume design obviously falls well below what’s expected, right? a lot of the outfits have kind of a boxy, almost flat-looking kind of unflattering fit on the actors, which if i wanted to be generous i could attribute to the challenge of bridging the gap between these frail slender musical theater twinks and the two-meter-tall 250lb roided-out beefcakes theyre meant to be embodying. (bearing this discrepancy in mind a lot of the insane martial arts stuff in the second act doesn’t really land with the oomph that it should, but i also understand logistically why this kind of casting is not practical, and all things considered i think shotaro arisawa does a really incredible job of embodying jonathan joestar even though he kind of looks like i could snap him in half over my knee like a twig. he’s very cute. so i’m not mad about it.) of course, again, logistically, i understand that in a stage musical production, where actors only have minutes to complete costume changes, some sacrifices have to be made to the creative vision in the name of practicality. nevertheless this is jojos bizarre adventure!! i want to see some fucking baubles!!!!!!

which is all to say that… after carefully considering it for some weeks… i still have extremely mixed feelings about dio’s grink ass feather bathrobe look. it’s not that i dont think its something he could wear (the concept of dio lounging around in his gothic vampire palace doing re-animator style body horror experiments on the local wildlife in this “officer i have no idea what happened to my husband”-ass nightgown is nothing short of hysterical to me) but then he wears it into combat and i felt a little disappointed… it has the same unflattering fit issue as the other outfits in the show, and it is just such an un-araki-like design… where are the gaudy color combinations? the bizarre geometric patterns? the tease of an exposed boob/thigh/midriff? erina gets a stage-original dress design that i have fewer issues with because the excessive pleats and ruffles have more of an araki-esque sensibility, but every time i look at dio’s robe it feels like there’s something missing.  i’m going to choose to be nice about it because it’s not at all a deal breaker and, again, mamoru miyano devours the look. it’s fine. it’s always fun to have a new dio outfit. if anything, the fact that the blu-rays are being marketed as “2024 cast version” gives me hope for the possibility of a future production with a new vision for the costume design. (although the fact that this was such a difficult production - with stunts and pyrotechnics and moving setpieces - that its entire first week was cancelled indicates to me that the prospects for a future production from a different company are impossibly slim. i guess there’s always hope?)

in terms of the writing and the changes that were made from the original narrative, honestly i don’t really have an issue with anything that was cut. sorry if there are any diehard stans of Poco’s Unnamed Sister out there who are steamed that their favorite minor late phantom blood character got the axe, i kind of understand how you feel because i’ve been malding over david pro cutting the Danny Lore for eleven years, but i think it was the right choice and the story flows so much better. the real juicy meat at the core of phantom blood as a narrative and the thing that brings it head and shoulders above so much of the rest of jjba is the character-driven drama - that deliciously pulpy victorian gothic family tragedy - and the relationship between jonathan and dio. the musical beefs up the character drama and slims down the action-driven second half by trimming out the extraneous battles. the only real downside i see to this is that the absence of tompetty and his prophecy makes zeppeli’s arc and death feel INSANELY abrupt, but tbf that’s not a deal breaker for me. sorry zeppeli. you were born to die.

okay. okay. i think 1500 words into the post is enough fucking around so let’s talk about the real reason why you and i both know we’re here

musical dio is SO fucking sad. he’s positively wretched, you guys. he was born in a wet cardboard box all alone and forced to eat cement when he was six. he cries even more than he does in the source material and even when he’s not crying he frequently delivers his lines as though he is moments away from bursting into tears. back when the musical first opened i was snooping on the reactions on jpn twitter and one commenter said they could see miyano’s tears and snot from the nosebleeds even without opera glasses, a remark i initially assumed was hyperbole but that i now think probably was not. araki’s dio is certainly tortured and a deeply pathetic crybaby beneath all the cruelty and posturing, but changes in the musical and miyano’s embodiment of the character bring this pathos to the fore. he is literally haunted: dario’s ghost lingers, a manifestation of all of dio’s traumas and insecurities that emerges from the recesses of his memory to taunt him with the reminder that he will always be his father’s son, all the way up until the very minute that jonathan breaks down the door to his vampire lair. i am OBSESSED with this - not only for the obvious reason that i delight in dio’s suffering personally but also because kong kuwata is a delight and he fucking kills it every time. also lends itself to a category 10 leitmotif moment at the top of the second act when dio emerges from the charred ruins of the joestar estate singing dario’s theme and calling out to jonathan - if i had to pinpoint this is probably the moment when this musical stuck for me as the Real Deal. they Get It.

the first solo number in the show is dio’s disney princess I Want song (amazingly, simply titled “dio”) where he weeps for his late mother and his wretched lot in life, and then - in a creative decision that made me clap my hands and hoot and holler at my screen in real life - there is a reprise of this number (delivered, naturally, through tears) when dio is almost arrested for murder and decides to become a vampire instead. so there’s this amazing hopeful uplifting inspirational orchestral music accompanying the onstage action of dio ruthlessly slaying jonathan’s dad and then getting pumped full of lead by a bunch of cops. it is brilliant. 10/10 no notes. it’s moments like this that i think really sell the “softening” of dio in the stage version for me, even though i am historically Not A Fan of fanworks that take a similar angle - like, yes, he is sad, but specifically he is narcissistically obsessed with the spectacle of his own suffering, he is boiling over with bitterness and rage for everyone around him who (by his own estimation) could never hope to have suffered as much as he has. this sensitivity and self-pity he wallows in are not expressions of a guilty conscience or a desire to change - they’re entirely the opposite - every cruel and monstrous deed dio commits is always justified to himself because he is simply the saddest little boy who has ever existed. he has been done wrong by the world and so there is no limit to the depravity he may reasonably respond with. i’ve seen several commenters describe this as a drastically different interpretation of the character from araki’s dio (and someone told me on twitter that mamoru miyano himself has also said this, but i cba to go digging for an actual source so take it with a grain of salt?), but i… dont think thats the case! dio’s obsession with his own weakness and his self-perception as the eternal underdog (as compared to jonathan) are certainly more exaggerated in miyano’s performance, but i don’t think this is an angle to the character that’s been manufactured out of whole cloth. the genre conventions of the stage musical force the melodrama up to eleven and dio’s incredibly repressed angst is the most rich vein to mine for that. hair-trigger sadist dio is still here, it’s the same guy, he’s still killing people mercilessly, you’re just getting to see him sing a big ballad about his feelings instead of confining those to an internal monologue.

if anything, the exaggeration of dio’s pathetic/cowardly/crybaby traits combined with his megalomaniacal aspirations and bottomless well of cruelty is just right. it’s perfect. fucking around, finding out, and then trying to weasel his way out of the consequences with crocodile tears just so you don’t see him drawing his knife to cut you clean open… yeah. thats the stuff. thats my one true blorbo. sad to say i will love him for ten thousand years.

i think that might be all i have to say… or at least all i feel like saying here… most likely ill come back and edit this post later. i certainly have some additional thoughts and some more esoteric/controversial takes but they’re not suited for a public blog. real ones will understand. im keeping my eyes peeled for somebody to translate this thing but to be frank i am kind of enjoying this little corner of fandom as it is right now: just the asians and the true hardcore phantom blood phreaks. i have not had this much fun in jojo fandom in almost a fucking decade. as soon as somebody publishes an english version my timelines going to get flooded with all the most deeply annoying “kono dio da” “speedwagon waifu” reddit guys and 15 year olds and my suffering will proceed. unfortunately this is my lot in life and i am doomed to be here forever because dio put a worm in my brain

[cornie-heesan]

Fuck around and Find out

Staring| Mark Lee x fem!reader (Ft! Yuta and a few other NCT members)

Prompt| “Do I look like I’m messing around? Do I look like I won’t punish you?”, “Move an inch and you won’t be coming tonight on my cock”, “Fucking is a reward, but you haven’t been good.”

Warnings: SMUT, unprotected sex (please for the love of god don’t), degrading names (whore, slut), impact play, edging, orgasm denial, physical restraints (ties), piv, consensual photo/video taken (not brought up in this but it’s consensual I promise), overstimulation, mean dom! Mark, voyeurism, mentions of alcohol, darcyphilia, I think that’s everything, if I’m wrong let me know!

Word Count| 3.1k

A/N: anything italicized is meant to show the use of another language (ex. Japanese/ Mandarin).

also, this is my first real fic and probably the first time I’ve attempted to write any kind of smut. please be kinda about it and message me if you find any mistakes!

………………………………………………………………………………

You’ve pushed your luck a little too far with your usually gentle natured boyfriend, but what can you say? Lust makes you do stupid things. Which is how you ended up here, tied spread eagle to the metal framed bed with various ties that hung in his closet. Your sex life was never dull per se- deep inside you just craved for something a little bit more than what it has been.

You prayed to whoever looked down upon you tonight to kickstart your plan for a little bit of spice- that none of the frat brothers tries to step foot into this house on a Friday night. It’s not like you could’ve made it all the way across campus to your apartment, you were just a little too horny for that.

“Ay, look at me.”

The slight sting of his fingers on your cheek makes your eyes roll back into your head and a moan falling from your lips at the sensation- god you were a whore for this man. His eyebrow shot up at the sound as he stalks closer to the bed staring at your naked form..

“Do I look like I’m messing around? Like I wont punish you for being such a slut?”

Your eyes open look at the hard set in his jaw and his tense muscles. He was usually so soft, gentle, loving- although right now he’s the polar opposite

“You really just had to dress in the sluttiest little shirt you had hm?” he growls pulling out a box you haven’t seen before “Fucking is a reward, but you haven’t been good.” he finishes pulling out a vibrator…?

“Move an inch and you won’t be coming tonight on my cock,” he switches on the vibrator before working it right between my legs placing it right against my clit making me shriek but I didn’t dare move. The sensation against your clit made the knot in your belly tighten and you started at your boyfriend wide eyed- scared that if you came too soon it would all be over.

“Oh,” he hums moving to the foot of his bed setting up the webcam from his desktop against some text books “Come as much as you want. Don’t move though- I’ll be watching,” he concludes before walking towards the door shooting a wink before leaving the room locking the door behind him.

“MARK!” you shout after the blue haired man that’s just left you tied to his bed however, the moan that left your lips was something rather unladylike at the sudden orgasm washing over your body. Burning warmth causes you to tense but not move your body because you didn’t want to lose this little unspoken battle between yourself and Mark.

You don’t know how many times you’ve come at this point- all you know is the tears streaking down your face means it’s been quite a few. Another orgasm pulls through your body making you shiver at the overstimulation

“M-Mark baby please!” you cry full on crying at this point “P-please, please come back! I’m sorry- sorry for teasing you, for being a slut!” not even thinking twice about begging for the return of your sweet boyfriend. Your body can’t go through with any more of the torture on your clit.

………………………………………………………………………………

Mark sits in the TV room in the empty frat house- something not that interesting in the background as he sits watching the live stream from his desktop webcam. He never realized how much he would enjoy spicing up your sex life- considering you’ve come at least 3 times from the painful overstimulation he’s caused you.

At first he was pissed that you’d come to a frat party with that little skirt on- even more pissed that you had the audacity to take the flirting coming from his slightly intoxicated roommate and best friend- Yuta. He dragged you from the neighboring frat house, grip tight on your arm as he got you into his shared room after making sure that nobody would be in tonight.

He’d fantasized about tying you to his bed- adding in a bit of a game to it considering how competitive you both were when it came to trivial things. The fact that he was indirectly causing you to be this overwhelmed made his body heat with lust- watching you cry and try your damndest not to move an inch even with the torture of the vibrator.

Mark wasn’t a complete idiot- he saw the way the Japanese man would eye your body or try to get closer to you under the guise that you were one of the few people he could speak to in his native tongue. Mark could see the lust in his eyes from a mile away, however you were a bit slow to the punch. Never thinking anything of it when it came to your boyfriends best friend.

“Mark?” the blue haired mans eyes were pulled from his phone meeting those of his best friend kicking his muddied shoes off his feet. Both men stay quiet for a moment hearing your desperate moans from three floors up “What’s up?” Mark asks as if that’s the most normal occurrence to happen in the frat house.

“Uh, should I leave? I can totally leave if you want me too.” Yuta is quick to start reaching for his shoes again, “Nah, nah. You actually came at a perfect time.” Marks smile makes Yuta hesitate for a second before he slowly falls onto the couch next to his friend.

Yuta’s face turns a similar shade of red that his hair is once his eyes land on his friends phone. There you were, someone he was lusting over- naked, restrained and in the midst of an orgasm. The picture was slightly grainy due to being on such a small screen “Help me get this on the TV would you?” Mark asks tossing his phone into the Japanese man’s lap before he turns to head somewhere else in the house.

He’s not serious is he? “Do it Nakamoto!” Mark’s voice drifts down the hallway making the latter fumble the phone before working on sharing the image to the smart TV.

………………………………………………………………………………

Yuta’s eyes embarrassingly stay focused on the flat screen in front of him- watching as his best friend opens the door to their shared room joining the picture of said roommates girlfriend shudders as another wave of pleasure takes over.

“P-please, Ma-Mark I can’t! It hurts!” you cry eyes begging for the Canadian man to stop the torture on your clit, “Baby, you look so good like this though!” Mark chuckles pulling his desk chair to the side of the bed- pulling the vibrator away from your overstimulated core. Your arms and legs strain against the ties holding you down trying to close your thighs.

A swift smack hits your thigh making you begrudgingly moan rolling your head towards Mark a playful gleam in his eyes

“We’re not done yet, sweet heart” he chuckles reaching for the webcam “In fact, we’re just getting started. Say hi to the camera pretty girl.” He hovers the camera in front of your face showing off your dazed, lust filled eyes off to his roommate watching the TV closely.

His hand squishes your cheeks as he stares down into your eyes “Say hello to Yuta baby,” Mark hums with a sadistic smile your eyes widen trying to shake your face free from his grip. Mark clicks his tongue against his teeth, “That’s not very kind sweetheart. After all, you sure liked having his eyes on you at the party.” his voice deepens as he adjusts the camera.

Yuta grunts running his sweaty palm down the leg of his jeans. Jesus he’s never seen Mark get so much as irked by you but now there’s a new sharpness in his friends voice. Something he’d only ever heard during video games or baseball. Mark’s hands reach for the ties restraining you to the frame of the bed adjusting your body to your hands and knees giving Yuta the prettiest sight of your little hole dripping with remains of your orgasms.

“Need your cock,” you moan hole clenching around nothing, Mark smirks resting his hands on your hips you whine at the long anticipated contact. He leans into you mouth ghosting over your ear,

“Beg,”

“PLEASE, Ma-“ you shriek mid sentence at the contact of his hand against your ass making you deepen the arch in your back. Mark shakes his head, “No baby I want to hear you beg for my cock- and how good I fuck you.” he explains out into the empty room before whispering in your ear “Preferably in Japanese, ya know so Yuta knows exactly who you’re a good little slut for.”

Another load moan travels through the house, “Please, Mark! I need your cock! Need you to make me cum!” Yuta’s dick twitches in his jeans the fact that you’re speaking Japanese in such a filthy way- almost like it was specifically for him. Almost- he knew better it was his friends way of teasing him.

“A desperate little slut you are, huh? Need my cock in your little pussy that bad?” Mark chuckles as he shoves his jeans down his legs bringing the fat tip of his cock to your dripping cunt, “Please!” you drawl fresh tears entering your eyes. Yuta couldn’t even be mad at his friend for singling him out- out of all the brothers who were constantly flirting with you.

You were perfect- not only in looks but in smarts. You were an ungodly kind of smart knowing pretty much every language NCT brothers spoke- made you seem more of a dream than an actual person to some of them. Yuta was by far the worst with the flirting- you were the only female at SMU that spoke Japanese and that just did something for him.

Mark lines himself up with your entrance with a knowing smirk on his face he bottoms out in your pussy with the same timing as the front door is shoved open. Yuta barely pulls his eyes from the screen to see Yangyang and Ten tripping over their shoes- eyes widening at the sounds simultaneously from the TV and the upstairs bedroom.

“Is that…. Mark and Y/N?” Yangyang shrieks quickly but haphazardly covering his eyes- he may or may not have peeked through his fingers to keep watching. The older of the two looks at Yuta with a cocked eyebrow “I didn’t set it up if that’s what you’re asking!” The faux red head jumps up “I literally came home and Mark was down here watching on his phone- then he just, just threw his phone at me and told me to put it on the TV!”

The two men join Yuta around the front of the couch, “Damn, I knew Y/N mentioned wanting to spice up their sex life… But damn” Ten turns his head analyzing the scene on the screen before falling onto the couch. It was weird seeing Ten so calm about this- considering that you two were attached at the hip platonically.

“Maybe this is a little bit of payback for all the guys that flirt with Y/N?” Ten suggests a knowing look on his face as he before anyone could speak a loud moan pulled their attention back towards the television. Mark had wrapped his hand through your long hair pulling your body away from the mattress- putting you on full display to the camera

“Fuck! Mark!”

The new angle has Mark’s cock hitting right at that spongy part inside that made fresh tears of arousal spill from your eyes- unknowingly to you, you had switched from Japanese to Mandarin. A grunt leaves Yangyang who blushes furiously- he was one of the youngest and here he was watching a girl he had a two week crush on get her brains fucked out.

This time the boys watching the TV couldn’t be bothered to notice when the front door opens again. A low whistle is let out before three more of the brothers join in on this little watch party- Jaehyun, Johnny and another one of the younger members Haechan.

“What’s going on?” Johnny asks scrolling through his phone like this is a completely normal thing to happen- “Ten thinks that this is Mark’s payback for some of us always trying to flirt with Y/N” Yuta grunts trying to cover his hardening cock (it didn’t work.)

“Dude, Ten flirts with her the most!” Jaehyun shouts watching the screen in disbelief “Yeah, but it’s mutual flirting. Y/N and I are platonic soulmates” Ten counters scrolling through his phone rolling his eyes at the other man.

“Yo did anyone else get a text from Mark to be here?” Johnny asks raising an eyebrow - everyone pulls out their phones to see that they in fact had the same text message from Mark saying that he needed everyone to be at the house specifically at 10 in the TV room.

The phones are forgotten when Mark’s voice cuts in from the television “Are you gonna be a good girl and come for me?” Mark hums leaving dark love bites along your throat as you nod quickly making him tsk “Need your words sweetness.”

“Yes! Gonna come Mark, please!” your sobbing, drooling all around fucked out by the Canadian man behind you. He smirks completely stopping his hips behind you making you cry out but his hand squishes your cheeks together making you stare into the webcam- everyone in the watch party embarrassingly hard from the sudden dominant personality from their friend.

“I think you might have a few more people to say hi too. Maybe they might be the reason you’ve been such a whore lately,” You whine again trying to fuck yourself back onto your boyfriends cock- he squishes your cheeks tighter, flesh pinching between your teeth.

“I bet Yangyang, Johnny, Jaehyun, Haechan and Ten are loving that they get to watch you act like such a little whore for me,” Mark’s hips draw back as he sends a hard thrust upwards- the squelch of your pussy making the six men moan in unison- god where were they going to get their porn fix now? After watching this everything else is going mid at best.

The hand gripping your face travels down your body until Marks callused fingers reach for your clit with a swift smack- a squeal leaves your bruised lips as you try to get away from the overstimulation. Your boyfriend laughs- it’s almost sinister compared to his typical giggle as he’s pulling your body back as he falls onto his back on the mattress.

He props his feet flat on the mattress, hooking your legs over his knees both arms wrapping around your waist. The angle gives the men downstairs a perfect view of your pussy fluttering and creaming around Mark’s cock. Haechan has non discreetly pulled his dick out of his pants jerking himself off to the video in front of him.

Yangyang’s grey sweats have a dark stain in the front as he bites his hand trying to cover the fact that he’s come untouched. Jaehyun, Johnny and Yuta palm themselves through their jeans. Ten finds the whole thing hot- again he and you are platonic soulmates- he’s just here to be a witness to the downfall of his four other friends. Plus, he needed to remember everything so it could be spoken about on your weekly boba dates.

They sit in a mildly uncomfortable silence- Mark gives no warning as he begins fucking up into your pussy again. From the angle you could just about see where Mark’s dick is reaching into your cervix with a hint of a bulge in your belly every time he snaps into you.

You’re a babbling mess, incoherently switching between every language that your brain knew. Moans, cries- every sound in between leaves you as Mark fills your ear with absolute filth that would cause an entire church to spontaneously combust. The knot in your belly is tightening all over again- you couldn’t even remember which orgasm your were on.

“P-please! Please Mark! Fill me up- I promise I won’t flirt with them again!” Your rambling now begging your boyfriend for permission to come, begging him to fill up your little hole. You were such a whore for him. Mark moans- you haven’t asked him to come inside you before, usually it’s in your mouth or somewhere on your body. Lucky for you both your religion was making sure you regularly took your birth control- because you never used condoms with your latex allergy.

With a few more thrusts you’re coming- squeezing Mark’s cock as your arousal leaks from your body, coating yourself and Mark. The grip your pussy has on him makes him moan loudly as his own high overcomes him. Coating your walls deliciously. Your constant contractions around Mark makes him pull out of you to allow a front row view to his friends.

His cum leaking from your pussy as your body spasms from the aftermath of your final orgasm of the night. Mark slides out from underneath you as he smirks at the camera once more before quickly disconnecting it.

He’s quick to fall back into his loving boyfriend mode, gently moving the hair covering your eyes. You’re breathing quick staccato but a happy little smile gracing your lips-

“You did so good, baby” he murmurs peppering your face with little kisses making you giggle “That was the best sex we’ve ever had,” you sigh dreamily “but, I think it’s about a once and every 12 months kinda deal,” Mark snorts at you before quickly lifting you away from the soiled bed.

“Let’s get cleaned up,”

………………………………………………………………………………

The room was silent after the television screen had gone black- no longer sharing any feed from Mark’s webcam. Yuta was staring wide eyed and overly turned on despite the sticky mess in his jeans. Same could be said for the other frat brothers who had half drunkenly stumbled into the house- Jaehyun, Yangyang, Ten, Johnny and Haechan.

They had sobered up rather quickly

Imagine their surprise when they walked into the house seeing their Japanese brother watching their gentle mannered Canadian brother fucking his girlfriend like he wasn’t being broadcasted downstairs. It was meant to prove a point to them. Maybe it was the smirk that Mark had thrown the camera as he pulled out of your used pussy knowing damn well he’d gotten his point across to the brothers.

Or maybe it was the look in his eyes the ‘Fuck around and find out’ eyes daring any of them to mess with is girl again.

[dorisslut]

Dori with female reader watching Alice in Borderland and reader gets horny when she saw Niragi and Dori gave her Niragi in bed??

Please and thank you

Thank you for the request! Sorry i haven’t been posting i have had many ideas in mind. I hope u enjoy! :)

You and dori were sitting in the living room watching alice in borderland, you guys were up to where Dori Niragi was making everyone vote for Aguni as leader. You didn’t recognize him with his long hair and all the piercings.

“How do you like him” you heard him whisper into your ear. You were confused because you didn’t think he came on yet.

“What?” as if on perfect timing he pointed to himself holding a gun up to Mira, doing a lewd movement with his tongue.

“That’s you?!” he nodded at you gently turning your face back to the screen. You couldn’t believe that was Dori, he looked so hot with the piercings and long hair, you leaned back in his embrace. As time went on and you kept watching, you felt yourself getting wetter.

You rubbed your thighs together, trying to get some sort of friction.

“Are you okay?” Dori looked over at you and paused the episode. As soon as you heard him you stopped you movements and turned to look at him.

“Yeah im okay, unpause it” You tried to turn away from him to look at the screen but he stopped you.

“Then why are you rubbing your thighs together under the blanket?” He tilted his head teasing you with a little hum at the end.

“I don’t know what your talking about.” He unpaused the show smirking and looking bad over. We got to season 2 the end of episode 1 and Niragi was burnt.

“You look pretty good burnt” You were still rubbing your legs together, your wetness still not going away. You thought maybe this time he wont notice it, he wasn’t acting like he knew.

He mumbled a quick ‘thank you’ and we continued watching.

“Can you pause it? I need to go to the bathroom really quick” he nodded and paused it, you didn’t know why he was being so short with you all of a sudden but you went to the bathroom and came back quick and sat next to him, unpausing the tv.

You checked the time and saw it was already almost 1 in the morning, you didn’t know you guys had been watching for so long.

“Ah finally we finished” Dori stood up to stretch so did you.

“So you want to tell me why you have been rubbing your thighs this whole time?” he bent down to your eye level with a grin on his face.

“What are you talking about?” You could feel that your panties were still extremely wet.

“You know exactly what i’m talking about” He was being rougher then usual, he was usually so sweet and gentle but right now he was more straightforward.

“Did you like Niragi?” You didn’t realize he was walking you towards the stairs, he picked you up and brought you upstairs to your bedroom. He dropped you onto the bed taking off his shirt before crawling over you kissing you.

You slid you hands up to his neck but before you could get fully around Dori Niragi grabbed your hands and pinned them above your head.

“No touching” he pulled away kissing and sucking at you neck. While his mouth was occupied with your neck his hand that wasn’t holding your wrists came down to get your shirt off.

He pulled away from your neck to get it above your head then going back to leaving hickeys but moving down to your hands above your head.

“please” you whimpered out wanting more from him.

“What do you want? You have to tell me or i wont know.” Dori Niragi was fidgeting with the back of your bra.

“Please take it off”

“Take what off?” now he was really pushing it.

“Anything! just please!” Dori Niragi finally takes your bra and starts to fondle with your breasts, Taking one of your now hard buds into his mouth flicking his tongue against it.

“Please i need more” you tangled your fingers in his black hair begging him to give you more.

“Stop being such a needy little bitch and take what i give you.” he slapped your face and moved down taking off your underwear, blowing a bit of air to tease you. Then coming back up to kiss you.

“Stop teasing please, need you so bad” He started traveling bad down to your sopping cunt. Dori Niragi ran his long slender fingers through your wet folds, sliding two finger into your soaking wet hole. You let out a cry feeling him suck on your clit, weaving your fingers into his hair.

“Please” Your thighs closed around his head as he quickens his fingers and sucks on your clit harder.

“Oh my god Dori i’m gonna cum!”

“Do it” You came right when he told you, he came back up tapping your chin.

“Open” You complied and he shoved his slender fingers into your mouth. You swirled your tongue around his digits.

“You want my cock baby?” You nodded around his fingers and felt the tip dragging against your clit. You whined wanting him to enter you already, Dori Niragi finally put his tip in slowly pushing his long cock into you.

He slowly pulled out till his tip was just out and slammed back into you.

“Oh god!” You cried out feeling tears form in the corners of your eyes. He pounded into faster hitting that’s spongy spot that has you seeing starts each time.

“You like that? this the spot?” You couldn’t even get any words out, the only word you could get was his name. You felt yourself clench around his cock and his thrusts were sloppy.

“Please Dori i’m going to cum!”

“Me to-shit cum with me” You both got to your climax together. Dori Niragi continued thrusting riding out your highs.

Once overstimulation hit you he slowly pulled out seeing his seed drop out of you, he pushed it back in with his fingers.

“Please, no more” You winced feeling his fingers pump in and out of you again.

“Just give me one more, i know you’ve got it in you.” Your legs started shaking feeling the knot getting tighter in you stomach. He made slow circles on your clit and you felt the knot snap, cumming around his fingers.

Dori went into the bathroom grabbing a went washcloth and coming to clean you up. He threw it back into the bathroom coming into bed with you. You were already dozing off and so was he.

“That was amazing y/n, thank you” You hummed, to tired to say anything back to him.

“Goodnight i love you” He pulled you to face him kissing you on the lips.

“I love you to Dori, goodnight”

A/n: I hope you enjoyed im sorry it took so long! <3

[seongminiz]

jo… i’m having mattwoong brainrot again i haven’t been able to stop thinking about what u said about lifeguard!matt and country club owner!jiwoong… pls… crawling on all fours rn.. help… only if u want to talk about it tho.. 🤭🤭

ik i’m supposed to be thinking about ot9 cravity gb but i tried and. i’m overwhelmed.

- 🧁 anon

🧁 .... ofc i will talk abt it⁉️ ot9 vity can wait

let me start by saying that to me country club owner!jiwoong = dilf!jiwoong . it just makes sense .. i mean dilf!jiwoong always makes sense to me but hes just so dilf coded its insane ok im going off topic lets not

but yea so age gap warning like reader is ofc an adult but jiwoong is at the very least 10yrs older than her

so .. rich spoiled reader who is used to get everything she wants , without even needing to ask for it . except for jiwoong , no matter how many times u try to bring ur very short conversations further , or how many times u ask him to teach u to play tennis while ur wearing an even shorter skirt , he somehow manages to keep things as professional as he can .

to jiwoongs surprise too , bc he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to fuck u n put u in ur place , especially when u wear one of ur skimpy bikinis. he has to constantly remind himself how much younger than him u r , n it still doesn't completely deter him ..

n then theres matthew . matthew whos just a collateral damage of all ur attempts to seduce jiwoong , trying so hard to just focus on his job as a lifeguard when you're making it so hard for him - literally . but maybe not all hope is lost for matt , you're not oblivious to his staring n flirting back with him gives u the attention u crave so badly n jiwoong constantly fails (from ur point of view , at least) to give u , so it rlly wont take that long until u sneak into a storage closet after matthew's shift is over to suck him off n leave him wanting more ..

matthew knows hes basically putting his job on the line for a random girl who doesn't actually care abt him , but he also knows abt ur little crush on jiwoong , n his boss isn't as subtle as he thinks he is about his attraction for you - so he might risk losing his job , but his ego is fed enough he doesn't worry abt that for now .

or at least , as long as jiwoong doesn't catch u two messing around n puts him in his place :3

[princessdiaries333]

December goals + accountability post

୭ ❄️ ✧ ˚. ᵎᵎ 🎀

DRINK WATER

i seriously need to cut back on the amount of soda i’m drinking its so bad for me. my skin is suffering and ik water is super super beneficial, it will help me achieve all the rest of my goals !! my goal is to drink at least 4 bottles of water a day.

DONT PROCRASTINATE

i have so many things i need and want to do, i’ve been so swamped and drowning in school work i need to spend this winter break to get ahead and study. i also need to get my permit, it’s been almost a year since i turned 15 and im still putting it off. if i keep waiting i wont be able to get my license till im 17. i also really really wanna get a job. my goal is to study for all my classes to prepare for the new quarter and get my permit.

WORKOUT

i’m currently the lightest i’ve been in a long time but i’m not satisfied with how i look. i feel fatter than ever and it sucks because ive worked so hard to get to this point and i can’t enjoy it. i think the biggest reason i feel like this is because i haven’t been working out, over the summer i was working out every day and i was getting really toned. now I’ve lost weight but in not toned at all so it makes me feel like im bigger than i am cuz it’s all soft fat. my goal is to do pilates at least 5 times a week and try to go on walks every day.

EAT HEALTHY

i NEED to stop binging sm crap. i’m constantly eating junk food that doesn’t even fulfill me. most of the food i eat just makes me feel miserable right after. eating healthier will improve my general health but also my mental health and yk that’s great !! i also want to eat smaller portions because my mom always piles food onto my plate and forces me to eat the whole thing. so to avoid this and so i can be completely aware of what i’m putting in my body, my goal is to cook my own food and meal prep healthy and nutritious meals.

GET OFF THE PHONE

i want to spend more of my time doing things that make lasting and meaningful memories and help me grow instead of spending every hour of the day rotting in bed on my phone. i’ve been so busy with school i haven’t been able to finish any of my books so id like to dedicate some of this break to finishing those. i also want to go out with my friends and boyfriend more. my goal is to spend less time on my phone and more time doing things i enjoy and spending time with the people i love !!

ACADEMICS

i’ve been telling myself for so long that i’ll do a deep dive and fully research all things regarding college so i can build my game plan for the next 2 years. i’m a sophomore in high school so i want to know exactly where i want to go from here. i need to know what schools i want to go to, how to qualify for certain scholarships, what i want to major in, what are the best schools for my passions, how will i pay for it. there’s so much to find out and if i make my plan now i’ll save myself sm stress down the road. my goal is to set up a college plan and do thorough research for my future.

[goatsorcery]

>:3 Alright Frank, my turn. Please share your bg3 brain worms (tadpoles). Favorite character(s)? Preferred companions? Do you have a consistent party? If not, how do you choose your members at any given time? I am very curious if it’s the latter because as I mentioned, I don’t really ever switch it up.

you said in the tags of your answer to write as many paragraphs as my feelings can fill… and well… it’s a lot haha :)

i love all the characters so much! they're all so unique, interesting, and charming in their own way. i'm only in act 2 myself (about to finish it though i think) so i haven't gotten to see everyone's full stories yet. narrowing down a favorite is so hard! i change up my party every once in a while, but consistently i still always bring wyll or shadowheart so I guess they would be my favorites!

i love wyll so much, im always a sucker for characters who are able to stay postive and optimistic even through the worst of times. I also love characters (especially in fantasy) who are primed to be the main character either from their backstories or narratively (alistair in dragon age and aragorn in lord of the rings are other examples); wyll, who is a monster hunter but is first and foremost a protector of the people, (there are other details about him that I wont spoil for you that also lend to this) has all the makings of a classic fantasy protagonist, but he never expresses the desire to be the leader (i guess, unless the player plays as him haha) or to get any recognition for helping cure the tadpoles. other possibly-spoilery tid-bits about him that break away from or invert fantasy character archtypes help to really round out his character in an interesting way.

I loved shadowheart pretty much instantly (shadowheart and lae’zel being the first two companions you meet is everything, i love them both and their dynamic so much) shadowheart is a bit of a mystery, even to herself, which is fascinating to me. I find her whole story, so far, really interesting, and I’m excited to see where it goes and what else is learned about her through the rest of the game. i love characters who are so dedicated to one goal to the point that it’s all that matters to them and it’s all they are, but then the story challenges their dedication or pulls them from it for a larger cause.

i switch up my party every once in a while, but its usually just to swap out characters for quests that are relevant to them or that i think will prompt dialogue or approval from them. i think my game is a bit bugged, because i didn't even realize there was party banter until very late into act 1 (also just might be  because i fast travel a lot) so i've been switching out characters more to see what conversations they can have.

my go-to parties in act 1 were wyll, shadowheart, and lae’zel or wyll, karlach, and lae’zel (this was mostly because of combat game play, karlach and lae’zel with their extra attack or shadowheart as an extra healer was so helpful when I was still trying to learn the combat system).

in act 2 my go to party is wyll, shadowheart, and karlach, or wyll, shadowheart, and halsin depending on if im just exploring/doing side-quests or if i know I’ll run into heavy combat. karlach regularly one-shots enemies with 30+ hp and having her extra attack is the only way i get through combat most of the time (even on the easiest difficulty, combat continues to kick my ass).

when I reach act 3, I plan on mixing up my party more, depending on what’s in store for act 3 (I have surprisingly not been spoiled on anything that happens in act 3).

combat is the main reason why i don’t switch up my parties more since i get used to having certain spells or abilities. on my second play through (which I’ve already started planning even though im not close to being done with my first lol) i plan on trying to mix up my groups more to get more banter and to spend time with other characters I haven’t had much chance to. I rarely take gale or astarion with me (unless there is a relevant quest) but only because of combat, i feel like other characters have more useful abilities then they do. which is a shame because i like them both a lot, and want to get to know them better. my tav is a cleric, so that also factors in to party make-up. gale’s party banter is always bugged for me as well which is a bummer, the captions will pop-up but his voice lines never play.

one thing i like so much about the characters is that they all have interesting interpersonal dynamics. it really only comes up in banter and the occasional camp conversation but its enough to make it feel like they're all actually interacting in camp. whether or not they fully get along, they still all seem to care about each other which i love! its the friend group you'd never expect (most of who would probably not get along or get the chance to interact if the circumstances were different) but they all end up being close in some way or another. shadowheart and lae'zel's dynamic is especially a favorite of mine, i always love characters who don't get along on the surface but are actually "no one's allowed to be mean to them except for me". shadowheart and astarion are a bit like this too, with each other, and astarion with the rest of the companions as well. another one of my favorite party dynamics is wyll, shadowheart, and astarion; three people I wouldn’t have expected to really get along but the first time i had them all in my party I triggered like three conversations in a row where they were flirting with each other (my favorite of their banters is astarion saying he’d drink from wyll if he could chose anyone in camp after shadowheart asks him and then her sounding disappointed that he didn’t pick her. in my play through shadowheart then asked astarion if he was single less than a minute later lol).

my favorite character dynamics are:

wyll and karlach

wyll, astarion, and shadowheart

shadowheart and lae’zel

[os2warp]

why are smaller (8-16gb) cf cards so expensive and hard to find.  i have a couple cf to ide adapters.

real ide ssds are cheaper in many cases. and even then, stuff smaller than 32gb is hard to find

im like 90% sure the ide ssd i was already trying to use is bad. os/2 installer does not like it at all. i can plug it into my modern pc do a low level erase and os/2 will let me partition it, but then os/2 says it cant format it

i can partition and format it from msdos, but that corrupts the disk where os/2 installer won’t let me repartition it.

nt3.51 will let me partition and successfully format it and even install, but it wont boot from that disk. nt3.51 will run fine if i jump from ntldr on the windows 2000 partition tho.

i had os/2 installed on it successfully at one point, and my first attempt at installing nt3.51 broke it and haven’t been able to successfully install either of them since.

might try an old spinning hard drive just to see if everything will install that way and im not crazy before i spend any money on this.

[nyruratchet]

The Edge of No Tomorrow

I’m struggling. I don’t get this world I’m in and feel like I’m living someone else’s story. People I love are passing away left and right; leaving me here feeling more alone day by day. I’m working at a company that doesn’t care about it employees. Shocker, a capitalistic US company that cares more about profit that the life of their workers. 

I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. Everytime I get home, I get comforted initially at being away from people and lessening my anxiety. But once the loneliness sets in, I’m on the verge of tears. Why can’t I find someone to love. Why does every guy I express interest in, run for the hills. Clingy? No. Shallow? No. Walled up. Sort of, but I have no trouble letting someone in. I just don’t get it. 

Then to top that lonely boy sundae off, I have…well HAD a “friend” throw me a way like trash. Like I wasn’t even worth his time. Actually, there is no ‘like’ involved. He literally said he’s not invested in a friendship with me and has no time for the fuckery. But when asked to explain or have a conversation about whatever brought him to this conclusion, N just dismissed me and said we can be “cordial” when we have to be in each other’s presence. I’m sorry, but when someone disrespects me, I’m not being cordial. I remove myself from the situation completely. And that’s where my mind keeps going. I need to remove myself from everything completely. I WANT to remove myself. I don’t really care about tomorrow anymore. In fact, the prospect of having to go through one more tomorrow feeling like this is nightmare; what on earth is there to look forward to? The struggle to make ends meet? The struggle to do music like I love? The struggle to find fulfillment in the mundane wretched existence I’m currently in? Doesn’t make sense. 

My dear friend who’s in prison can even find something the brighten to prospects of each of his days. But I can’t. I’ve been thrown away so many times and discarded, it is hard for me to imagine anyone missing me when I’m gone. And if there is someone, they wont miss me very long. My Grammy would. My mommy, daddy and court court will. But besides them, I’m not important to anyone. In fact, the only 2 reasons I’m even still alive is because it would break my Grammy’s heart and cuz I haven’t found the perfect way for me to do it yet. I need it painless and quick. In my sleep would be great.

Would you miss me? I don’t really know who I’m asking because I know no one will read this unless I post and share on social media like I’m pushing drugs. I don’t even know why I bother putting anything out there. I do music and a music video, a handful of friends support and buy them. Seriously, I could count the sales on one hand. Streaming? HAH, that’s all money as well. Gotta put money in to get anything out. I been trying for years to just get a foot in the door. I use to make CDs and cassette tapes to send to A&R at record labels. "That’s not the way it’s done anymore.” I would hear them say. Or, “development deals aren’t a thing anymore.” Well FUCK ME then.

That brings me to the other issue: fucking. Sex is my drug. Not proud of it but also, there could be worse addictions. I mean, there could be better ones too. This one requires me to be dependent on the acceptance of someone else; the desire of someone else; the mind of someone else. So if I can find someone to fuck or fuck me, great. But come on, there’s no consistency there. So, many times I find myself in a dry spell, needing my drug with no fix in sight. No how pathetic is it for an addict to not even be able to FIND his drug of choice. I’m not saying pay for it, FIND it. Cuz this drug is free, for those who can find/get it. But as I have already stated, guys don’t like me. And if they do, they have a hurtful way of expressing that attraction/affection. It has gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a cute guy without wanting to cry. Because when he looks at me me, I know he doesn’t see a desirable being. And when I do find someone who has feelings for me, they are taken already. So, can those feelings even be trusted? Nope. They already told someone else the same things they’re telling me. I’m just some new catch. Someone to make them feel like they still got “IT” (whatever ‘it’ is”). Recently, there was a guy I connected with on Grindr. He was so interested in me, and he was beautiful. I just KNEW he was fake. But he gave me his number. Then came the cat and mouse chase. He was never available. Then a couple weeks went buy and he was “in a relationship”. Yeah, he had no time for ME. I was brokenhearted. So again, I figured, he was just faking and wanted attention. Well, a year went by. I walk to up to work, and there he is. I knew exactly when I saw his face. Long story short, he told me he was still in a relationship but had no issue fooling around with me in a bathroom before dropping me off to my hotel like a cheap peace of ass. Then after saying all the right things, I get a text the next day. ‘Yeah, we can’t hang like I said. I feel bad for what I did. Sorry for leading you on…’ blah blah blah. Fell for it. And the sad part is, I’d do it again. No guys who look like that, are successful like that, or say things like that have ever thought I was in their league. So, to know he was a real person and he actually was interested in me a year ago; but GOD hated me so much he sent him another boy right before I could meet him, broke my heart and spirit even more. He could have been the love of my life. And just like that, fate said I wasn’t allowed it. I wasn’t worthy of it and apparently am still not.

I just keep trying to make SENSE of my existence and I can't do it. Could I continue going on this lonely path for years holding on to the notion that my time is coming? NO. I won't make it. I have wanted to be in love since I was little. I have wanted a singing career since I was little. Who's life am I living? I DID THE WORK. Went to college; went on auditions; did the residency training; moved to New York; worked multiple jobs to keep a roof over my head...I just, don't know what I did wrong. At least, not one major thing I did. I have tons of regrets in hindsight, but who hasn't made mistakes right?

I should just end it here. But I type all of this to say that I see not future for me. I'm standing at the edge of no tomorrow.

[phantom-ellie]

Temet Nosce Chapter 3: I should have left you on that Spanish Vessel where you were Hanging

Click for Chapter List/Content Warnings

A paper doll, sure. A silly joke, but one headed for the mouth of the whale, and Stede tells himself it's about rescuing Ed but somehow he knows it's actually himself. He can almost feel himself becoming less transparent, returning to flesh. A pathetic joke, a source of entertainment for sure. The crew around him laughs. He knows they're laughing at him.

He's wrong, though. Through his silly puppet dancing and the sad mewling and bright, painted smiles masking the incompleteness of the carving below them, Stede has cultivated something. There is a secret garden blooming on the vessel he seeks to reclaim. The man of the hour, the day, the month doesn’t know it, but he is heading towards nabatea, ad meliora.

“Hey, Ivan! I-van!” Ivan looks up at Fang in the crow’s nest, holding a telescope.

“What is it, Fangie?” Fang closes his lips together in a nervous line and hurriedly beckons with his hand.

“Not in front of the others!”

“Why, what don’t you want us to see, capullos?”

“Shit, Jim, you can’t just sneak up on a guy like that.” Ivan rubs the back of his neck nervously. Since the… unfortunate separation of the crew, Jim has taken to stalking the ship like a malevolent forest spirit, and Ivan hates forest spirits. They make his nose ache.

Jim does what Jim is wont to do and twirls their knife threateningly.

“Whatever you tontos del culo have to say to each other you can say to me.”

Ivan has nothing against Jim. He has nothing against the rest of the crew, really. He is loyal to Blackbeard, sure, but he is beginning to suspect that the Captain has gone a bit too far this time, isn’t quite right in the head.

Fang shrugs his shoulders. “Aw, Jim, don’t worry about it, don’t need to get mad at us like that-”

“It’s Stede! It’s the crew!” Frenchie points out at the water and is practically dancing a jig, his voice the loudest stage whisper imaginable. Jim runs to the edge of the ship and strains to see. There they are, all fifty of them, or however many, piled on top of each other in the dinghy, moving about and jostling so much Jim is surprised they haven’t capsized. It is hard to tell them all apart, they are so far away, but Jim sees a hand shoot into the air and stay there, as if to acknowledge that they are being watched. That Stede fucking Bonnet is being watched.

“Fuck!” Jim growls.

“Fuck yeah!” Frenchie cheers as quietly as he can manage, fist pumping the air.

“Oh god, here we go again.” That’s Ivan.

“Oh man, Izzy is gonna be so mad,” Fang starts the climb down from the crow’s nest, hunching his shoulders like the world’s most resigned teddy bear. What he doesn’t say is how happy everyone else will be to have them all back.

Jim whips around and points the dagger at Ivan’s face.

“You’d better let them board,” they say through clenched teeth. Ivan lifts his hands up in surrender.

“I don’t have no beef with any of that lot, but it’s Captain and Izzy that call the shots around here, you know that.”

“Hey! Do you think he can fix him? Blackbeard? Make things nice again?” Fang huffs as he continues his climb down.

Ivan looks at Fang. He turns back to Jim. Then he gives a side-eye to Frenchie. Finally, he rests his palms on the edge of the ship and sighs.

“Aw, hell.”

***

Izzy. He looks at his own reflection in the knife he’s holding. Izzy. Fuck. Fuck. Maybe that’s been the problem all along. Maybe that’s why I don’t get the respect I deserve. Couldn’t be Israel, no, had to go with a cute nickname. Fucking Fang has a scarier nickname than I do, and he’s jolly as a fucking creampuff. Izzy Hands is, to no one’s surprise, brooding. His toe hurts. Well, the place where the toe would have been if he hadn’t shat out said toe three days ago hurts. That was an unpleasant experience, but it was the kind of unpleasant experience that happens to be quite pleasant for Izzy- uh, Israel.

For a moment, he casts a pensive look up at the ceiling above the bunk where he is sitting.

Is that fucked up? Is it fucked up that I take pleasure from being abused? Isn’t it possible that this pleasure-from-pain experience is linked to some form of childhood traum-

Frenchie, master of subterfuge and distraction, bursts into the room, and Izzy loses that train of thought forever.

“Izzy! Izzyyyyyy,” Frenchie holds out both hands palms up like he’s about to ask a huge favor.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“You know, um, I’ve just been thinking about what a hard worker you are and all, and I just wanted to come down here and thank you-”

“What. did. you. do?” There are so many clenched teeth on this vessel that they might have to bring a dentist on board.

“Oh, nothing! Nothing. I just know you’ve been down, ‘cause of… the foot? You know?” Frenchie widens his eyes above his obviously nervous smile and sort of thrusts his hands towards the foot as if to say, that’s definitely a thing that exists in this location.

“My foot is fine. What are you trying to do?” Izzy gets up off his bunk and starts limping forward.

“No!” Frenchie throws out his hands again. “No, don’t move! There’s no need to move at all! Just stay there-”

“Get out of my way,” Izzy sticks out an arm to shove Frenchie aside, whose mind instantly goes white as a clap of lightning as his instinct kicks in.

He does what he has to do. He stomps on Izzy’s injured foot as hard as he can.

“Aaaaughhhh! You fucking-”

“Sorry! Sorry, it was an accident! Why don’t you just-” The knife comes out and Izzy lunges at Frenchie, who quickly evades it and backs towards the door.

“No need for that, really,” Frenchie whimpers with a hint of hysteria, quickly casting an eye towards the Lair of the Kraken, which is really where Stede used to sleep but Frenchie doesn’t think he’d appreciate it much right now. Oh, he’s gonna be so pissed. Please don’t hear, please don’t hear.

“I will flay you alive, you-” as Izzy hobbles towards Frenchie menacingly, Frenchie has a choice to make. He can return to the deck, or brave the Lair. Thankfully his self-preservation kicks in and he books it towards his friends, turning around to blow an ultra-mature raspberry.

***

Stede had been the first to board. He had expected a wave of raging hot ire to descend upon him. He wanted to take the brunt of it. It was his fault, after all. The pain between him and Ed was like an invisible line of fire that linked them in their pain and misery, burning anyone who haplessly stumbled into its path. Stede expected a sword to the gut, and wasn’t afraid, because he knew he wouldn’t feel it above the white-hot burning that was already there.

Instead of the sword, he had been offered a friendly hand by Ivan and was asked to wait patiently so the others could follow him. Thus Stede sees the first hints of his garden, in flore, as he raises his head in greetings to Jim while Fang claps a happy hand on his shoulder.

Now he stands awkwardly by the ladder, welcoming his family home.

“There you go, welcome back Buttons, Olivia-”

“It’s good to be aboard, cap’n.”

“Watch your step, Oluwande, there you go, see there’s Jim right there, safe and sound, off you two go… Up and at ‘em, Black Pete! I haven’t seen Lucius yet but I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. No, Roach, I don’t know if anyone messed with your good knives. Swede, yes, maybe stand over there and dust yourself off a little, you’re covered in- Hurry it up, Wee John, we have a ship to take! No, I don’t know where Frenchie is but apparently he’s safe.”

Stede begins to try on his captain persona again, to be who these people need him to be, to be the man who reads them stories and encourages them. To begin the performance. But God, he’s tired of the performance. He needs to be himself, to demand to be accepted as himself, because he can’t live in this weird performative skin anymore. He just can’t.

But the crew can’t read his mind, and therefore Fang grabs him around the shoulders.

“Captain, you gotta help us. You gotta talk some sense into him!”

“Who, Izzy? That probably won’t work.”

“No! Blackbeard! He’s making it miserable for everyone! Fix him!”

“I’m sure it’s fine, Fang, just take care of the crew. I’ll make things right.” Stede suddenly realizes that throughout this conversation there has been a mounting roaring sound, getting louder and louder until he stands up straight to figure out its source. Not two seconds later he becomes enlightened, as Frenchie runs out onto the deck followed by a mad, spitting, angry ferret.

“Hi Captain! Sorry Captain!” Frenchie bolts straight past him like a World War I soldier trying to outrun a frag grenade.

The ferret stops when he hits the deck and the roaring is cut off in a wet sputter of rage.

“You.” Izzy the ferret waves his knife in Stede’s general direction. “How the fuck did you get on my ship?”

“I climbed the ladder, dickhead! Let me talk to Ed!”

He needs this to be over with. He can only hold onto the adrenaline for so long.

“I’ll slit your fucking throat-”

“Qué cabrón!” Izzy is interrupted by Jim, who smashes their boot into his hand and sends the dagger flying.

“Aaaugh, you-” Fang tackles Izzy to the ground with a crunch.

“Sorry, Iz. I mean, I’m a little sorry, honest, but not too sorry.” Ivan sort of dances around his apology as he stuffs a gag in Izzy’s mouth before reaching up to take a coil of rope from Frenchie.

“Wow. So much for loyalty.” Black Pete has his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised.

“We’re pirates!”

“Okay, okay! I’ve just never watched a mutiny from this end.”

Watching Izzy struggle in vain sends an initial wave of relief through Stede’s torso. It was so easy. They did it for me. They want me back, they love me.

Killing with kindness actually works. Stede isn’t a fucking lunatic.

This relief lasts only a few moments however, as the door to the deck bursts open. A thunderclap hit’s Stede’s heart. This is him, isn't it? A dark wave flowing out onto the floor of the deck. A black cloud. A trio of tentacles grasping towards Stede's neck.

“Izzy, what the fuck is the fucking commotion up here-”

And there he is. The love of Stede’s life, drunkenly staggering onto the deck. He’s swaying a bit as he takes the last few gulps of what has to be his third bottle of rum. Stede's breath catches in his throat as Ed looks him dead in the eyes. The bottle of rum just hovers there.

And in seeing that kohl-smeared, inebriated Demon King, something drops from the top of Stede’s brain down to the floor, only to curl upon itself and rise through his legs and up through his arm and shoot out of the top of his head like a geyser, a mélange of adrenaline, courage, and wanting. His shoulders straighten. His chin rises a couple of inches. Stede Bonnet looks Edward Teach dead in the eyes as everything else threatens to roll right out of his body and crash upon the deck.

“You. You and I need to have a talk.”

Death it is.

He expects Ed to throw the bottle at his head. He expects Ed to rage and challenge him to a duel. He expects Ed to take out his pistol and shoot a hole through Stede’s torso. He expects Ed to throw a knife at his face. He expects Ed to collapse onto his knees, tears streaming down his face. He expects Ed to stride forward and bend Stede backwards in a kiss.

Instead he hears the groans of the crew as Ed pitches forward and spews three bottles of rum onto the deck.

Stede sighs.

“I guess I just have that effect on people.”

Romance is dead. It will happen the hard way.

Chapter 4

[justgottarant]

Its now 3 in the morning and I haven’t been able to quite my mind. I just spent the last hour crying silently in my living room of a house I dont own and might be having to leave. About my life thus far. Im 27 years old and have had the people I thought that loved me throughout my life turn their backs on me the moment things got hard. I lost my dad when I was a teen and instead of having the support I was raised to believe I had they all turned and said I wasn’t putting the effort in to stay in contact, to reach out on holidays or birthdays, to expect it was fine to now be left out of any and all family trips. I was a literal child. Up to that point I was told when those things were because I was in school. But then expected to just know everything. I wasnt given time to grieve due to a mother who in front of his open grave that I had just lowered the most supportive person I had known in how much of a shit person he actually was, how we suddenly had a new man living in his room and expecting me to embrace him and my stepmother’s pregnancy not even a week after his funeral. Having to pose with this stranger for prom photos and having to ask him for help when I had car trouble because otherwise I was left alone for days until I “figured it out”. How my whole family that was so closed off suddenly embraced him our first Christmas and not a single person uttered my dads name. Only 2 years after his passing was I given a handmade Christmas ornament with his picture on it because as much as my grandmother detested him at first she was one of the first to embrace us into their family and still tried to keep in contact with me. Out of 3 aunts and 3 uncles none of them included me anymore, no more birthdays with my cousins, no more family vacations, I was an afterthought even at Christmas being one of the only people to receive barely anything anymore unless it was homemade. No advice to help me when I started college. I didnt want to go, my dad had known but my stepmom forced me to go and then live in the dorms. When I had a psychotic break and asked for a therapist she took me to psychiatrist after psychiatrist and got me on pills, not to someone I could talk to. I finally tried asking this past year if I could come to Christmas. I was told no. All because I asked to bring my partner along. They’re disabled and we now live over 2 hours away. I wasnt about to leave them home completely alone on Christmas. And I wanted to introduce them to my “family”. I tried talking to my stepmom about it and how hurt I felt. How I felt betrayed since I had alwasy seen her as my mother growing up, even introducing her as such to people. All she did was apologize and tell me how she never felt that way about me. It made me realize they don’t actually care about me. It hurt.

My nann from my dad could only compare me and everything I did to being just like my dad. I wasnt allowed to be me anymore only a replacement. It took me years to try and talk to her about that. Even now she still does it, I dont want to fully blame her though. I know shes hurting too. But she had more people she could talk to about it. I love her but I am starting to see she isnt the person I always thought she was. She wont even let me meet my nephew I just found out I have because she’s afraid of him “acting out” because he’s autistic. My partner is autistic. Its not a disease and I try to keep telling her that. That it would be fine and that Ive also worked with kids on the spectrum for many years in child care so it was no issue. Shes just embarrassed by him and it saddens me to think how shed react if I ever had a kid who was also.

I got bullied in school for my dad dying because the girl that liked me I didn’t reciprocate so she got everyone in our class rallied against me. Her excuse? Well her dad died first. Before she was born. I was so suicidal during this time and even before. She had met my dad even and knew how he was and how close I was with him. It really hurt especially when my best friend at the time wouldnt even stand up for me and would join her at times because he didnt like conflict.

I had only just been living with my dad for around 2 years after I was forced to leave my moms due to the abuse her boyfriend had put me through for years. She made a choice and always had to choose men over her kid. I grew up raising her, being the adult that made sure her and her friends got home safe from parties and preventing her from starting street fights. I was 10, I shouldnt of had to be the adult pushing a baby stroller and dragging a drunk woman home at midnight.

Honestly I dont know how I didnt go down the same path my parents did. Pregnant at 16 and doing as many drugs as I could find. I was instead immersed in reading and writing and learning skills that interested me. But was inevitably punished for all of them at some point. I remember being only 12 and I told my mom’s boyfriend I hated him, why? Because he told me to tell him how I felt about him. That very night we had a power outage and I was still terrified of the dark, so what did he do. Lock my door and say that people who hate him dont get flashlights. My mother didnt even scold him for that. I had to make myself be used to the dark after that. The amount of sleepless nights because of fear was all too common for me and just grew into a bad habit now as an adult.

I just want to scream. This is all so frustrating. Im exhausted. Im infuriated. The state of the world is shit on top of it all. I cant even afford to live on my own. I cant have a savings.

[onlyjaeyun]

Hi.. so.. haha 🥹

How are you Zadie ?

I saw that you took a little break from writing, and im very proud of you for that!! 🫶🏽

I haven’t been arount much last month or two, i missed you 🥹 its just been very hard for me, im feeling very lonely last couple of months and it is now come to the point that im just here like this 🧍🏻‍♀️ like that lit me bc no thougths head empty

And when there are thoughts it me overthinking everything and then crying over i don’t even know what anymore

Sorry to dump this on you, its just that i really am as lonely as i feel rn and when i try to tell some of my friends that im not doing very good rn they belittle my feelings by saying “everyone is feeling like that once in a while” .. i somehow understand them, i think its hard for them too to see me like this, i was that one sarcastic and bubbly friend that always had a smile on their face and was always the one you would go to when you needed comfort or advice, and now they don’t know what else to say than “its a phase, it will pass” but i don’t feel like its a phase, cause i’ve been feeling like this for maybe half a year now, give or take, it just..i was hiding it really well, and i can’t anymore..again, really sorry to dump this on you, i just had to get this off my chest

I love youuu🫶🏽

-🐼

hey baby, i know my response to this is very late, plesse forgove me 🤍

first of all, i hope you know just how proud i am for you because dealing with these things is never, ever easy and you've been doing SO well. honestly, i think i know how you're feeling a little too well because i went through something very similar and from my own experience i can say that it indeed does get better. not immediately and it probably wont go back to how you used to be but things are gonna be better and you will get through this. remember that life comes with so many ups and downs and you're going through a bit of a longer down but that doesnt make it forever. what i could recommend you is to do things you haven't done in a while which used to make you happy or just put a smile on your face, even if it's just watching a silly little video. baby steps, my love, you're gonna get there and the most important thing about this journey is: give yourecredit at any time. every step is a step, regardless its size. you're gonna be okay because you're strong and i believe in you, you should too. sending you the biggest kiss. i love and appreciate you so much 🤍

[pinksparklelps]

Wanted to rant about mask

Yknow mask

From that dream fellow

Small guy you wouldnt know him

I unironically like the song because I can relate to it personally as someone with depression, autism, and anxiety

Being neurodivergent mixed with the depression causes me to mask a lot and just isolate myself

I stay in my room when i dont need to be eating or at school, and i prefer to stay in the dark. And with the depression, sometimes its just hard to even get out of bed or do anything

I started going downhill with my grades around middle school and got myself stuck in a rut, and all i can think of school as now is a documentation of how much of a failure I am, and when you’re depressed, it’s hard to see a point in trying if i already know whatll happen

The part of the music video where he threw away his meds is something i did once. I have to take a lot of meds, and i hated it. I didn’t want to lose the life I knew, i didnt want to lose myself, i didnt want to be pulled from my normal. So i just threw them away as i walked out the door. I even hid them so it seemed like i took them. The “normal pills” name is how it feels. Im taking adderall now, the common adhd meds, and that IS how it feels. Like im taking something that supposed to make me normal. Theres a standard that society set, and neurodivergent people don’t fit it, and the help we’re given feels like we’re just being molded into what we should’ve been.

Change is terrifying. There’s comfort in what you know. And taking meds, getting therapy, it scared me so much when i was younger. Like I was gonna erase a part of myself, and I wouldn’t be me anymore.

It feels so disrespectful when people shit on the songs lyrics like “scared to go outside, haven’t seem the light in ages” as though its just that discord/reddit mod stereotype when its a real thing that people face. People isolate themselves. I isolate myself. My depression makes me so ashamed and scared that leaving this room just isn’t something i want to do. When everything feels hopeless and sad you dont want to go outside and face the reality that put you through it. So many outside things traumatized me and furthered my fear and trust issues. Why would anyone want to be around the thing that made them feel so fucking low?

The lyrics arent a dream thing. Its a neurodivergent thing. We mask ourselves. We isolate ourselves. We fail classes. We smile to hide. We lie like everything’s okay. We’re real people and our experiences are in that song and shouldn’t be mocked just because a dumb minecraft youtuber made the it.

If you wanna hate on dream go ahead. I wont defend him. But that song just means a lot to me, especially since music is something so special to me and how im feeling. I see myself and others experiences in those words because theyre true and i hate when things get undermined or mocked because of some guy

[lemonlovemeanslove]

Sweden’s national public television broadcasters (SVT) coverage of the genocide taking place in Palestine is genuinely so disgusting. so vile. so unhuman. How dare they. my blood is boiling. I have been avoiding reading anything from them bc I knew it would be bullshit, but the lack of humanity, blind support of Israel, its too much. I feel like im going craxy. Like I actually feel like im going insane. It feels like its 2003 again. The islamophobia, the way they just refuse to speak about the reality that the Palestinians find themselves in. ''Well we really wanted to focus on Israel in the beginning because this is the worst thing that has ever happened to their country'' and to then cut to ''we started talking about Palestine when thousands started to die there'' Like, do they not think we can hear them? Over 10000 palestians being murdered is not the worst thing to happen to that country, because Israel has but them though so much for so, so many years. But of course we wont talk about that.

Lets not focus on Palestine. An attack on Israel, however? We must cover this CONSTANTLY; WE MUST DEMONISE THE PALESTINANS AND THE MUSLIMS. ITS ANTI-SEMITISM ANTI-SEMITISM WHATEVER SHALL WE DO. im going crazy. How is this real. How. How how how. And to the clearly arab man standing next to him as hes saying this. You are scum. You are so below human it makes me sick. You have tricked yourself into thinking that you are anything more than a prop in their game. Fucking vile.

The only good think is when one of the viewers asked why they haven’t spoken about the history and the context before oct 7th. and im not kidding u when they responded with, well it’s really hard to cover stuff that happened before, we talk about it every now and then, weve said that its about two people who want the same land. and most people probably already knowww that, also u can look it up urself if u wanna know so bad. Obviously from a journalistic point of view its an ass answer but yeah. do look it up for yourself. Do not trust any mainstream media in the west. Because they are lying to you. I AM SO ANGRY. I can’t believe that one second i am seeing innocent men women and children get blown to pieces, and then I hear the news, blatantly lie, and dismiss what we can all see in front of us. I don’t know what to say anymore. Nothing feels real. I always knew that democracy didn’t really exist, not in the way we were made to believe. but things are worse than i thought.

[lunasootsprite]

I dont use this blog but I will probably starting tomorrow.

Anyways right now I just need to speak I guess. I think people see me as an Idiot. My father especially. Today my car got towed while visiting a friend and I assumed it did bc apartment complexes do that all the time and I got outside to leave and my car was gone. I was horrified and I think in shock to the point where I was very calm

I didn’t know how to handle it but my friends told me it probably got towed, they would call and get me the number so we could get it sorted. So I catch a ride home from them and I tell my dad. He’s asking me why I didn’t call him first and wondering why i think it was towed. He asks where I parked and where I was near and then just assumes it was stolen. He’s getting angry asking why there is no haste in my voice and why I seem so calm. We drive back and as we get there I he makes me take a picture of the towing sign. Driving back he asks me questions about basic things that I had explained earlier and on the way over I mentioned that if for some reason we needed the keys I didn’t have them bc i left them in my room. This confuses him and he asks me to clarify. I do and as I finish I say “ Did you think I left them at the apartment and thats why I didn’t drive home? “ He says yes. I then follow up with I feel like you take me for a complete fucking idiot. He doesn’t deny it instead going well you said didn’t have the keys so i didn’t know what that meant.

He doesn’t see me as smart or an adult or even remotely successful in any aspect of my life. I don’t see myself as an adult either but having other people see you as what is essentially an overgrown 12 year old is not the same as flawed perception. I don’t feel like an adult at all. But that confirms it i guess, he doesn’t see me as one either. I dont think any of relatives do, in fact I think they see some piece of useless shit who has chosen not to grow up. Thats not who I am, im trying but when you come from a family that refuses or just will not help you when you need it in the name of teaching you some existential long term lifelong lesson then yeah you tend to do the easy stuff forever bc the hard stuff has to be done by yourself and no one else effectively increasing the difficulty. They don’t understand why I try to do everything myself but its because if I ask for help I wont get it. Ive tried multiple times over and the people around me refuse to. They claim they do not and that they have never done anything like that but I fucking remember. The other day my father stated that he never spanked or laid a hand on me as a kid. Thats bullshit because I remember being told I was going to be spanked with a belt and i remember being spanked with it. He swears he never did though. Everything I remember is written off as a lie and everything he says is supposedly right. I know its not but even just now I wondered for a split second if those memories were real. That scares me.

I want to attempt moving but it needs to be far and it needs to be permanent. It scares me though. I don’t have many friends and the few I do have live here. Im trying getting out but I haven’t been many places yet because i’ve been busy or i’m just a little to scared to drive there. I have to keep trying though. And Ill try online too because It might be easier there. Im scared and it’ll take time and a lot of money but I also don’t want to run from getting my degree. I can get my bachelors I know it. My associates is in reach just one more semester and my bachelors just 2 years after. Im so close but I don’t know if I can stand it. I have no privacy, no confidence, no ability to try and be on my own. Everything I do is heard or seen or intruded on by them. Its awful and I don’t want to live like this anymore. For too long I haven’t been able to be myself and to this day I still can’t. Small amounts have been able to shine through but not my full self. The small amounts have helped but i think after 22 years wanting to be who you really are is a pretty small ask.

i didnt want to start this blog this way. Its not interesting nor is it necessary but I needed a quiet place to clear my mind and no one knows about this account so it worked out just fine. I would tell some of my friends but I dont want to burden them and the one I would tell wouldn’t side with me. Her parents have done everything for her, her entire life and shes only had to deal with small things. Very few big things. She has support that Ive never had and so she sees the world much differently than me. She would say that well I should have called him first and that I should have double and triple checked where I parked to ensure that didnt happen. I think she would at least. But i’m new to driving and I didn’t know, plus her old apartment didn’t have dedicated visitor parking. I digress though as it doesn’t matter in the end I guess.

Im a disappointment I know I am. I have anime girls over everything I own practically and I sleep with body pillows. I know that my hours spent gaming are not productive but they make me happy and comfortable which is something that hasn’t happened in a while for me. They have always been my passion and hobby and interest. That will never change and I will continue enjoy them and dedicate time and money to them. For some however this makes me a failure of a human being and they begin to grow disappointed in me and what ive become. Too bad I guess. I do my best to love a healthy life and incorporate the things i love but some would rather see me ditch them to live the way they want. I dont want that though. Ive never been allowed to indulge in my hobbies or pursue my interests and now that I can i’m not stopping. I want to do so in peace and around people who I can enjoy them with.

There’s just no one like that here, so I want to run. I want to be as far away as possible and drop contact completely. They had years to try and be caring and understanding. To get to know their own kid to get to know their grandkid in a way that was meaningful and not just oh he likes some anime or something I dont know. Take the time to actually listen when I try to explain whats wrong or why Im mad or sad or just listen in general. But they don’t and i’ve tried too many times. I can be as calm and rational as can be or emotionally unstable but nothing makes it better. They just don’t listen and they don’t listen because they don’t care. They never have because if they did they would attempt they would try they would do their best to understand but they don’t. They tell me well that doesn’t make sense or well i don’t get it and then continue with so i don’t get why you feel that way. I dont either man! Emotions are fucking abstract and I cant always pinpoint why I am a certain way and I explain that im not sure but you demand an answer and I don’t give one because there isnt one and we fight. It sucks and im tired of it. So im gonna leave not now but sometime. Mark my words, i have been getting better and more confident in myself but there is still work that needs to be done and I will begin taking steps to do it. My life should have started years ago but I guess it starts now

Im sorry this is such an emotional and pretty personal post for this blogs first post but I needed a sanctuary and Ive returned to an old one I created. I think i need time to myself for the week. Ill be here and in my own discord server but I don’t want to interact with anyone for a while. If you read my melodramatic post in full thank you I really appreciate it. Its nice to be heard out even when you are just spouting all this information and not making it easy to follow along. Ill be posting art here and my thoughts about whats happening in life and my interests. Hopefully this blog becomes a sanctuary for others as well.

- :3 Josh/Lilith