#it's REALLY long

[nerdieforpedro]

I love how you write and it makes me so glad you are here.

can I ask what inspired you to start?

signed - a maybe inspired future fic writer

This is such a wonderful ask! 🥰

I'm glad you enjoy my writing. I have ideas and I write them is my short answer and explains nothing I realize.

The long answer:

I've written fanfic before, off and on for maybe the last 10-15 years. Very different fandoms. Started out with anime, dabbled a bit in Yaoi then transitioned to Marvel and now I'm firmly planted in the Pedro Pascal, Oscar Issac, Benny Miller triangle of hotness.

Fanfic for me is an expression of a story, show, movie, video game or pice of media that I enjoyed so much, I just had to make something. I can't draw, no mixing of hot tracks or beats, I've just started dabbling in photo editing this year and am a beginner at that. It's all purely fun for me. I enjoy it and it's fun to share with other people who create and are like, "Hey! You like that? I like it too. Let me see yours and I'll show you mine. Where'd you get the idea for that?" And then hilarious conversations leap from there.

What inspired me to start specifically in the Pedro Pascal fanfic world was The Mandalorian. It was the first time I realized, "that's the man I've seen before!" And then realized I've seen Pedro Pascal in many of my favorite shows, (The Mentalist was watched for the sake of completion. After season 6 and the first episode of season 7, there wasn't a real reason to continue other than spending time with my mom. She's fine, when I tell people that they think she's passed on but the woman is still lifting 50 lbs mulch bags in her mid seventies. She more than fine.) I then became fixated on this man, reset the password on my AO3 account and found Pedro Pascal character fanfics. I was then led back to Tumblr which before I was on years ago for anime and read fics by @secretelephanttattoo ( I shall always sing about Headshots. It inspired the first fic I posted on Tumblr and is just so damn cute. El is also just a sweetheart.) and @morallyinept whose Tendrils fic only deepened my brain rot for that tall beskar bucket, she's also a dear friend who's made me laugh, cry in a good way, inspired me and very time I turn around she's crafting something new. Fics, banners, self-care, doodles, smut, databases, and all sorts of Pedro interviews and dialogue. Because I'm a fangirl of them both and many others actually, I keep 👀 on them.

What keeps me going is the fandom overall and that despite, recent tribulations let's say politely, we're all still here. Geeking out over a goofy, handsome, I know he gives the best hugs, actor who loves what he does and has been working at it for years and it's finally paying off.

I've met wonderful friends and moots who reach out, give me encouragement, tell me I do well (I'm starting to listen to them I swear. I'm not good at taking compliments in person so it's even worse online FYI.

So I hope this answers your ask and I do encourage you to write that weird, funny, smutty, cute, sweet, dark, twisty, angsty fic that you want to write. I do hope whoever you are, you tag me in it so I can read it. 🤭

Special love to the following and if I left anyone off, I'm sorry. It's after work, I rubbed my eyes, wipes my glasses because I got them wet while writing this and it was a lot:

@maggiemayhemnj @megamindsecretlair @soft-persephone @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @magpiepills

@mysterious-moonstruck-musings @for-a-longlongtime @i-own-loki @undercoverpena @connectioneverywhere

@soft-girl-musings @perotovar @julesonrecord @lotusbxtch @604to647

@yorksgirl @pedroshotwifey @fhatbhabiee @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @bitchwitch1981

@jessthebaker @avastrasposts @inept-the-magnificent @lady-bess @grogusmum

@schnarfer @boliv-jenta @iamskyereads @iamasaddie @chaithetics

@tinytinymenace @yourcoolauntie @alltheglitterandtheroar @musings-of-a-rose @rhoorl

@trulybetty @laurfilijames @wannab-urs @legendary-pink-dot @din-cognito

@sin-djarin @beefrobeefcal @spacecowboyhotch

[rose-morose]

I've had the Olympics on in the background and now I can only think in sports commentator voices

(hotd season 2 spoilers under the cut)

Baela Targaryen fucking mvp of the season dropping little chunks of wisdom all over the place with massive repercussions to the players and by extension the game

Oscar Tully and Alys Rivers were close runner ups with some big last minute plays, each finishing very strong, but to be fair, they had to deal with Daemon who had forgotten which team he was on, so they unfortunately got stuck with a much larger challenge

Ser Simon Strong gets an honorable mention for looking fabulous, staying faithful, and silently clapping in the background with joy on his face while Daemon remembered what color his jersey was and made a game saving play

a disappointing performance from Ser Alfred Broome tonight, I knew he wasn't quite on the level but I never thought I'd see him fumble the ball so hard, leaving Alys and Oscar to pick up the slack

Jace pulled his shit together last minute thanks to mvp Baela and got an assist alongside Ser Simon and Alyn of Hull, bringing to fruition the foundation carefully laid by Alys and Oscar and allowing Rhaenyra to score with Daemon

Larys Strong once again making small adjustments that will likely be game changing in the third quarter, bringing Aegon off the bench and to another field to avoid being murdered by his brother Aemond, who is currently subbing for him until he's taken a breather and recovered from Aemond's last attempt on his life

Tyland Lannister finally does something right in his life and guarantees a host of new players coming onto the field in the third quarter after having a lot of sex

Helaena, shocking the world tonight when she revealed that she does actually know the rules of the game and is kind of supporting the other team, inspiring her mother, Alicent, to start playing for the black team because she is gay

Ulf and Ser Criston Cole both making borderline suicidal plays tonight that we hope works out for exactly one of them

meanwhile the green team coach has finally been found inside a dark box and is putting rookie Daeron Targaryen onto the field in the hopes of shaking things up for the third quarter

all in all this has been a fantastic game, and I can't wait to see what the players cook up next

now a moment of silence for Rhaenys Targaryen, former finalist for the last crown cup championship, after she was killed by Aemond who still hasn't been red carded for some reason

[justastrugglinghotchocolate]

💪🏽 I am in a desperate need of Dasil

This went from "funny fic about Dorian picking up Basil" to "Dorian and Basil have a genuine conversation about had Basil treats Dorian and learn things about each other ft. bridal carry"

This is technically for the og book, but you could see it as a prequel to The Losing Game or set in a Modern AU

AO3 Link (if it's easier ^-^)

~~~~

Dorian had many talents. He was a brilliant pianist, he could draw quite well, he could act decently when needed, and he looked stunning at all times with little effort. However, there was one very important thing that Dorian could not do:

Pick up Basil.

It made sense; Basil was tall and his body naturally dense, despite his rather lean figure. It didn’t help that Basil grew bashful and shy whenever he so much as looked at him. Really that man reminded Dorian of a sweet little turtle—hard shell, but so shy and always trying to hide his head in his coat.

Dorian might have let the inability slide—there were many other things he couldn’t do like tying a necktie or immediately tell his left from right—had Henry been as incapable. But on one sunny afternoon, he watched the lord lift a laughing Basil up a few inches off the ground. The artist had looked so happy, his smiling face illuminated in the warm orange glow of the sun despite how his coal black hair tried to soak it in. And when he saw how Basil had looked down at Henry with a look of pure affection and adoration—Dorian knew he had to do it too.

He started his process by cornering Lord Henry at a party and demanding to know everything about picking up Basil. 

“Pick him up?” Henry chuckled. “Dorian, you don’t have to do anything at all. Basil’s already enamored with you—tell him that you want to lay with him and he’ll worship your feet.”

Dorian blinked, “But I don’t want him to worship my feet. I want to pick him up.”

Henry smiled, “Yes, you’ve said. And as I’ve said, simply tell him you want him. You’ve already won his affection, picking him up shouldn’t be hard—you won’t have to play much of a game.”

“‘Game?’ What are you—?” Dorian shook his head, “Harry. I want to physically lift Basil in my arms.”

The lord stopped mid sentence and Dorian had the rare split-second joy of watching Lord Henry’s brain buffer as he tried to save face. He eventually forced out a laugh and patted the young man’s back rapidly.

“I know, Dorian.” Henry quickly tried to maintain his composure and appearance. “‘Physically pick up Basil’—I did understand you—”

“You had no idea what I meant.”

Henry excused himself from the conversation, citing boredom for his early departure. Dorian let him go, unimpressed and still nowhere closer to lifting up his favorite artist. He’d have to figure this out on his own.

He considered making himself stronger through exercise. He had a friend in the Guards who was more than willing to help him. After a single session, Dorian realized he’d rather die than do a ‘push-up’. He turned his focus to innovation, throwing himself into strategy books he had accidentally stolen from Alan Campbell.

Dorian would need to account for both Basil’s physique and his own. While Dorian couldn’t lift a thing, he certainly could hold them and, since Basil was tall, it wouldn’t be efficient to start from the ground up. Somehow he needed to elevate Basil. 

That night, as he flung himself into bed, an idea came to him. He fell asleep easily, eager to test out the idea the next day. 

…

The next day he arrived outside of Basil’s home. Instead of immediately alerting the artist of his presence, Dorian balled up the scarf he had brought with him and threw it into the great tree in Basil’s garden. It took a few tries, but finally he got the scarf to stay in the tree.

With a wide grin that he quickly hid, Dorian rapidly knocked on Basil’s door.

Basil opened the door with a concerned look, “Dorian? Has something happened?”

“My scarf got stuck in the tree!” the youth said, clutching at his chest. He batted his eyes, “Basil, will you please get it down for me?”

Basil stared at the man in confusion, but nodded his head and with long strides walked over to the tree with Dorian’s scarf. As he reached for it, Dorian quickly grabbed the small stool he knew Basil kept foyer and rushed to bring it to Basil. He slammed it down into the ground in front of the artist.

“It’s on a higher branch, so you’ll need to stand on this!” he said quickly.

Basil stared at him, “Dorian, are you feeling quite alright?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’ve already gotten your scarf down,” the painter smiled, offering it to the youth.

Dorian’s eyes widened and he stammered, “That—I brought a different one today, that’s not it.”

Basil furrowed his brow, “You… brought two scarves?”

“Yes—no!” Dorian grabbed Basil’s arm and began pulling him to stand on the stool. “I lost that scarf when I last visited you!” “Why didn’t you tell me?” Basil asked. “Dorian, are you feeling alright?”

“Yes, now just stand on this!”

“Why?”

“Because—because—” Dorian made a frustrated noise, hissing, “Just get on the stool, Basil!”

Nervously, Basil did as Dorian requested, grabbing one of the branches to steady himself as he looked through the tree. For a moment neither spoke. Then in a small voice, Basil said, “I’m sorry, Dorian, but I don’t see a scarf here.”

As hard as he could, Dorian kicked the stool underneath Basil. Unfortunately, because of how hard he’d placed it down earlier, it had been pushed deeply into the ground. His kick only resulted in him stubbing his toe against the hard wooden stool as it gave a small jerk upon impact. Basil slightly lost his balance, but grabbed the tree branches to keep steady. In a panic, he glanced back down at Dorian who looked like he was trying hard not to cry.

“Dorian, what’s wrong?” Basil clambered down the stool. “Should I get you ice?”

“No!” the younger man, stamping his foot. “No, no! This isn’t fair!”

Basil was bewildered, but tentatively he placed his hand on the other man’s shoulder, “Dorian… what’s wrong?”

The young man sighed, whipping furiously at his eyes, “I wanted to pick you up.”

“What? Why?”

“Because Henry could do it.”

Basil couldn’t help but chuckle, “Dorian, you don’t have to do everything Henry does. I’d honestly advise against aspiring to even attempt to be like him.”

“It’s not—” the young man sighed heavily. “I don’t want to be like Henry.”

“Then, why—?”

“Because I can’t just be me, can I?”

“What?”

“Basil,” Dorian looked down at the ground. “I’m only your friend because I’m your muse. Once I am old and no longer beautiful, you won’t want my companionship anymore—I have to do something more so you’ll want to stay as my friend as I get older.”

Basil looked aghast, “Dorian, you thought I’d stop being friends with you simply because you’ll… age?”

Dorian crossed his arm over himself protectively, “You spend half our time together giving me compliments. What other reason will you have to tolerate my presence?”

The painter sighed, “That’s… not untrue. But Dorian, I enjoy our time together because I simply enjoy being with you. There is no reason or any other justification necessary.”

“But we don’t do anything. I just sit and you paint. Those are wholly individual activities. When I’m with Henry, or anyone else for that matter, we laugh or talk or do something with each other. And when you’re with anyone else, you talk to them or laugh with them or anything else that friends are supposed to do!”

He frowned, holding himself tighter, “Why do I have to be the one you treat differently?”

Basil looked surprised, then guilty. He opened his mouth then closed it as he searched for the right words to say. Dorian wiped at his eyes again, wishing that he’d stop crying in front of Basil. Eventually, he sat at the trunk of the tree, watching the sky as he waited for Basil to say something.

Finally, Basil came to sit with him. With a saddened look in his eyes, he said, “Dorian, I’m sorry that I’ve treated you differently than how I’ve treated others—it was never my intention to make you feel as though I only valued you for your beauty.”

He paused, hesitating, then gently said, “I’ve only done so, because, well, truthfully, my friend, I’m not sure how to treat you.”

Dorian raised a brow.

“You act very young, Dorian. And forgive my blunt wording, but you’re… fragile.”

“I’m not!” Dorian paused and sighed. “I am.”

“And it’s not just that. You’re so… open. You wear your sleeve on your heart—I always know how you feel and what you want, but I never know how to respond to it.”

“I can give quite a lot at once,” Dorian admitted softly.

“And I have trouble giving anything at all,” Basil chuckled, defeatedly. “Sometimes, I want to be nurturing and give you someone to look up to and other times, I… Well, that isn’t important. I just don’t know how to treat you in a way that respects your human complexity.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I lov—I appreciate your genuinity. I can’t fathom ever being as confident as you.” Basil's eyes grew sad again. “Truthfully, it’s quite ironic that you think I’d end our friendship over something so fickle. Once you met Harry, I was sure our friendship had come to an end.”

“Why?” Dorian looked at Basil with wide eyes. 

“He seems to understand you better than I do. You seem to enjoy his company more.”

The young man scoffed, “Absolutely not, Basil. Harry is fascinating, but I do not enjoy his company enough to even attempt to do half as much as I’ve done to maintain my friendship with you. I’d prefer you to him on any day.”

Hallward was surprised, “I… I wasn’t aware of that.”

Basil leaned back against the tree and Dorian leaned onto his shoulder, gently grabbing one of Basil’s hands and absentmindedly thumbing over the back. Around them, birds chirped and the gentle wind rustled the leaves.

“If you want to do something other than sit for me, you are always welcome to ask,” Basil said, lifting his hand to run his fingers through Dorian’s golden locks. He felt the other man relax in his hold. “I can’t always promise that I’ll be available, but I am willing to make time for what you’d like. You’re my friend after all.”

“Thank you, Basil.” Dorian smiled mischievously. “But I’d still like to try picking you up.”

Basil laughed, “I don’t intend to stop you.”

Dorian guided Basil to stand on the stool then to carefully lower himself into Dorian’s arms in a bridal carry. Basil warped his arms around Dorian’s neck, then allowed his full weight to fall down on Dorian, fully expecting to be dropped.

Both were surprised to see that Dorian managed to hold Basil up. Dorian was gritting his teeth and overly tense, nail digging into Basil as he tried to carry him back into the house.

“You don’t have to do that!” Basil laughed. He felt light-headed from being so close to Dorian and fought the urge to bury his face in the other man’s neck. 

“I’m… going to!” Dorian grunted out. His face had gone red from the exertion and he took a shaky step forwards, jostling Basil. Basil cried out and clutched at the other man, bursting with laughter. Dorian would have laughed too, but he was more preoccupied with not dropping Basil.

Finally they reached the door. Dorian hissed out, “Basil, please open the door.”

Basil did so, but reached too far, causing Dorian to lose his balance and fall into the doorway with Basil in his arms. They fell into a heap on the floor, both laughing hysterically.

After they calmed down, Dorian breathlessly said, “Can we do more things like that?”

“Like carrying or falling?” Basil wheezed, looking at the young with adoration.

“Whichever one means I get to hear you laugh more.” Dorian grinned, feeling a flush on his face.

Basil was glad his face was already red. He forced out a chuckle and motioned deeper into the house, “Shall we grab something to drink?”

Dorian nodded and held Basil’s hand as they walked to the kitchen together.

[marbl3z]

guys. . . I think this next fic is my longest one,,

I really hope y'all like it ♠️❤️

It'll be done by tonight (I hope)

[sleepshade]

Back with the AUs again!

Villain Mike/Babysitting AU (I mixed them wow):

Heather stood on the balcony of her grandfather's house, her house, staring out at the clear blue sky that lay above her. Not a cloud was in sight, naturally; these days there was rarely hard weather around the estate when it was unwanted. A small, yellow bird whizzed past the girl's face, and she smiled. At least it was happy.

Slowly breaking her gaze from the skies, Heather looked down at the paper in her hand, her smile replaced by a deep-set look of sorrow. The writing was horrific, little more than scribbles, but she knew what it said. It was written in 1977, and a young boy she'd been payed to babysit had just learned how to write a 'formal' letter. It read:

"Dear Hether,

Thank you four for looking after me my frends being my best friend ever! You ar very funny and nice. Love you

From your best frend Miceal Michael!"

She read it over again, that feeling of sadness once again washing over her, like some kind of emotional tsunami. Where had it all gone wrong? She knew, of course, the answer was a little town in California, 1985, but she didn't understand why that changed her paladin so much. He was a different person. She tore her eyes from the scrawled writing and looked to the floor.

It was moments like these when she wished someone was there, that she wasn't alone for that tiny, thoughtful section of the day- a smile crossed her face despite the utter despair she felt. She wasn't alone, truly; she had friends, and she had family, however odd the rest of Hawkins deemed her idea of family to be, and that was enough. All she had to do was walk back inside and there'd be someone waiting for her. She should use that time, of course, whilst she still could; her paladin, her little Mike, could ruin it at any time.

Heather stood on the balcony of her grandfather's house, her house, staring out at the clear blue sky that lay above her. A cloud crossed her vision, all silvery, as if it didn't want her to find that fabled lining.

Maybe there wasn't one.

[nyctophobia-au]

Figuring I should probably edit and post the Auric and Grimm relationship timeline TL;DR. * Sweats. *

[silver-coins]

Display it on tumblr first, so that your followers have a list of accounts to report and/or block.

Are u sure doe

I mean it's rlly long, and i mean really REALLY FKIN' LONG-

[climbingthefloors]

obsessed with this baby hippo from thailand's khao khew zoo.. she has been so utterly betrayed by the world

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Expertise can't help you here.

[mangozic]

my dead goth son and his friendly neighborhood personified concept of insanity

[wormy-business]

I saw this question posed on tiktok, but I think Tumblr would really enjoy it too.

If a fae creature offered to give one million dollars for a bone FROM YOUR BODY chosen at random, how many bones would you allow them to take?

Light clarifications; The fae is not the one choosing the bones. The bone is taken at random. Each bone, no matter the size or importance, is worth a full million dollars. You must also declare the exact number first, you can't go bone-by-bone. You either say 2 or you say 10, you can't work your way up to a higher number. The bones are removed instantaneously, and the money is given immediately as well. You will not get in government trouble for acquiring the money.

Tell me in the tags/replies how many bones you'd let the fae take. And as always, reblog for bigger sample size.

[spaceistheplaceart]

thinking about what mabel and ford have in common <3 sweaters, diaries, and bad breakups.

[wanologic]

reminder to take care of your loser human body

[gallusrostromegalus]

Move To A Darker Place

This is a story of Man Vs. Machine.

---

Last March, my father attempted to file his Taxes.

My beloved father is a Boomer. Unlike most Boomers, my father is rather handy with technology because he was one of the people that had a not-insignificant hand in Developing a hell of a lot of it. He was studying Computer Science at Cal Poly before the computer science degree existed. I have many fond childhood memories of skipping through the aisles of various electronic and computer part warehouses while Dad described something that either terrified the staff or made them worship him as a God.  He taught himself how to use his smartphone.  Internationally.

So when he saw the option to file digitally with the IRS through the “ID.me” program, he leapt at the chance to celebrate the Federal Government finally entering the Digital Age.

It was all going swimmingly for about six hours, until he was ready to file and the system told him that it needed to verify his identity. 

“Very Well.” said my father, a man unafraid of talking to himself and getting something out of the conversation. “It wouldn’t do for me to get someone else’s return.”

The System told him that it needed him to take a “Digital Image ID”.

a.k.a: A Selfie.

“A-ha!” Dad beams. Dad is very good at taking selfies. He immediately pulled out his phone, snapped one, and tried to upload it.

Please log into your Id.me Account and use the provided app to submit your Digital Image ID. The System clarified.

“Oh. You should have said so.”  Dad pouted, but used his phone to log onto the ID.me account, do the six security verification steps and double-checked that the filing looked the same as it did on the desktop, gave the IRS like nine permissions on his phone, and held up the camera to take his Federal Privacy Invasion Selfie.

Please align your face to the indicated grid. Said The System, pulling up a futuristic green-web-of-polygons approximation.

“Ooh, very Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry would HATE this!” Dad said cheerfully, aligning his face to the grid.  My father is a bit… cavalier, when it comes to matters of personal information and federal government, because he’s been on FBI watchlists since the late 60’s when he was protesting The Vietnam War and Ronald Regan before he’d broken containment. Alas.

Anyway, there is very little information the federal government does not have on him already, but he’s as good at stalking the FBI as they are at stalking him, and had worked out a solution:  He has something approaching a friendship with the local Federal Agent (Some guy named “Larry”. Allegedly), and got Larry hooked on Alternative Histories and Dad’s collection of carefully-researched “there is very likely buried treasure here” stories, and Larry is loath to bother his favorite Historical Fanfiction author too much.

But I digress.

After thinking for a minute, The System came back with an Error Message. Please remove glasses or other facial obstructions.

And here is where the real trouble began.

See, my father wears glasses that do substantially warp the appearance of his face, because he is so nearsighted that he is legally blind without them. His natural focal point is about 4 inches in front of his nose.  While Dad can still take a selfie because he (approximately) knows where his phone is if it’s in his hand, he cannot see the alignment grid.

He should ask someone to take it for him! I hear the audience say. Yes, that would be the sane and reasonable thing to do, but Dad was attempting to do taxes at his residence in Fort Collins, while his immediate family was respectively in Denver, Texas and Canada.  He tried calling our neighbors, who turned out to be in Uganda.

He looked down at the dog, Arwen, and her little criminal paws that can open doorknobs, but not operate cell phones.

She looked back at him, and farted.

“Well, I’ll give it a try, but if it gives me too much trouble, I’ll call Larry, and Larry can call the IRS about it.” Dad told her. 

She continued to watch him. Arwen is an Australian Kelpie (a type of cattle-herding dog), going on 14 years old, deaf as a post and suffering from canine dementia now, but she still retains her natural instinct to Micromanage. She was also trained as a therapy dog, and even if she can’t hear my dad, still recognizes the body language of a man setting himself up for catastrophe.

So, squinting in the late afternoon light next to the back door, Dad attempted to line his face up with a grid he could only sort-of see, and took A Federal Selfie.

The System thought about it for a few moments.

Image Capture Failed: Insufficient Contrast. The System replied. Please move to a darker place.

“...Huh.” Dad frowned. “Alright.”

He moved to the middle of his office, away from the back door, lit only by the house lighting and indirect sunlight, and tried again.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“What?” Dad asked the universe in general.

“Whuff.” Arwen warned him against sunk costs.

Dad ignored her and went into the bathroom, the natural habitat of the selfie. Surely, only being lit by a light fixture that hadn’t been changed since Dad was attempting to warn everyone about Regan would be suitably insufficient lighting for The System.  It took some negotiating, because that bathroom is “Standing Room Only” not “Standing And Holding Your Arms Out In Front Of You Room”.  He ended up taking the selfie in the shower stall.

As The System mulled over the latest attempt, Arwen shuffled over and kicked open the door to watch.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move to a Darker Place.

“Do you mean Spiritually?” Dad demanded.

“Whuff.” Arwen cautioned him again.

Determined to succeed, or at least get a different error message that may give him more information, Dad entered The Downstairs Guest Room.  It is the darkest room in the house, as it is in the basement, and only has one legally-mandated-fire-escape window, which has blinds.  Dad drew those blinds, turned off the lights and tried AGAIN.

Image Capture Failed. Please Move To A Darker Place.

“DO YOU WANT ME TO PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF INSIDE OF A CAVE??” Dad howled. 

“WHUFF!” Arwen reprimanded him from under the pull-out bed in the room. It’s where she attempts to herd everyone when it’s thundering outside, so the space is called her ‘Safety Cave’.

Dad frowned at the large blurry shape that was The Safety Cave.

“Why not?” he asked, the prelude to many a Terrible Plan.  With no small amount of spiteful and manic glee, Dad got down onto the floor, and army-crawled under the bed with Arwen to try One Last Time. Now in near-total darkness, he rolled on his side to be able to stretch his arms out, Arwen slobber-panting in his ear, and waited for the vague green blob of the Facial grid to appear.

This time, when he tapped the button, the flash cctivated.

“GOD DAMN IT!” Dad shouted, dropping the phone and rubbing his eyes and cursing to alleviate the pain of accidentally flash-banging himself. Arwen shuffled away from him under the bed, huffing sarcastically at him.

Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.

“MOTHERFU- hang on.” Dad squinted.  The System sounded strange. Distant and slightly muffled.

Dad squinted really hard, and saw the movement of Arwen crawling out from under the bed along the phone’s last known trajectory.

“ARWEN!” Dad shouted, awkwardly reverse-army crawling out from under the bed, using it to get to his feet and searching for his glasses, which had fallen out of his pocket under the bed, so by the time he was sighted again, Arwen had had ample time to remove The Offending Device.

He found her out in the middle of the back yard, the satisfied look of a Job Well Done on her face. She did not have the phone. 

“Arwen.” Dad glared. It’s a very good glare. Dad was a teacher for many years and used it to keep his class in order with sheer telepathically induced embarrassment, and his father once glared a peach tree into fecundity.  

Arwen regarded him with the casual interest a hurricane might regard a sailboat tumbling out of its wake. She is a force of nature unto herself and not about to be intimidated by a half-blind house ape.  She also has cataracts and might not be able to make out the glare.

“I GIVE UP!” Dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the office to write to the IRS that their selfie software sucks ass. Pleased that she had gotten her desired result, Arwen followed him in.

To Dad’s immense surprise, the computer cheerfully informed him that his Federally Secure Selfie had been accepted, and that they had received and were now processing his return!

“What the FUCK?” Dad glared. “Oh well. If I’ve screwed it up, Larry can call me.”

---

I bring this up because recently, Dad received an interesting piece of mail.

It was a letter from the IRS, addressed to him, a nerve-wracking thing to recessive at the best of times.  Instead of a complaint about Dad’s Selfie Skills, it was a letter congratulating him on using the new ID.me System.  It thanked him for his help and expressed hopes he would use it again next year, and included the selfie that The System had finally decided to accept.

“You know, my dad used to complain about automation.” Dad sighed, staring at the image. “Incidentals my boy!  My secretary saves the state of California millions of dollars a year catching small errors before they become massive ones! He’d say. Fought the human resources board about her pay every year.  I used to think he was overestimating how bad machines were and underestimating human error, but you know? He was right.”

He handed me the image.

My father was, technically, in the image.  A significant amount of the bottom right corner is taken up by the top of his forehead and silver hair.  Most of the image, the part with the facial-recognition markers on it, was composed of Arwen’s Alarmed and Disgusted Doggy face.

“Oh no!” I cackled. “Crap, does this mean you have to call the IRS and tell them you’re not a dog?”

“Probably.” Dad sighed. “I know who I’m gonna bother first though.” he said, taking out his phone (Dad did find his phone a few hours after Arwen absconded with it when mom called and the early spinach started ringing). 

“Hey Larry!” Dad announced to the local federal agent. “You’re never gonna believe this. My dog filed my taxes!”

Larry considered this for a moment. “Is this the dog that stole my sandwich? Out of my locked  car?” he asked suspiciously.

“The very same.” Dad grinned.

“Hm. Clever Girl.” Federal Agent Larry sighed. “I figured it was only a matter of time before she got into tax fraud.”

---

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[verflares]

just how long is forever? // not long enough, with you

pssst. check this out on inprnt :]

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.