#it's a very specific type of grief if this all makes any sense lol

[a2zillustration]

Wait, so to clarify two things:

1. Crossiant had a childhood best friend, but thanks to Hag Shenanigans they’ve not only entirely forgotten said best friend, but aren’t aware they ever had a childhood best friend in the first place?

2. …Did Shadowheart just sacrifice her parents to be freed from Shar? (I’ve never actually seen that cutscene, but I’m pretty sure that’s what just happened there.)

Correct!

2. Correct! (That's the caveat, she can sacrifice her parents to break free of Shar's curse, or she can free them and live with of pain Shar's curse forever. It's a very heartbreaking scene, if you're not playing the game and able to see it yourself I'd recommend looking it up.)

[scoobydoodean]

first off, i fully agree with what you’ve said about why those specific memories of sam’s were shown to them! but i’ve been trying (and kinda failing) to figure out why those ones of dean’s memories were shown, like if there’s a reason beyond the comparison of: dean’s are with his family vs sam’s are not. do you think that’s really it, that comparison, or have you seen any other deeper layers/meanings to the memories chosen for dean? (hope this makes sense lol)

context

I think the memory in the field with the fireworks is for contrast. Sam doesn't see that one. It represents to Dean not only his fondness for his little brother, but also what he was willing to do just to make Sam happy. The fireworks Dean bought weren't just your standard Roman Candles or bottle rockets. He bought expensive types that create major light shows in the sky, and those aren't cheap, and we know John didn't help because Sam implies he wouldn't have approved—which means Dean also risked doing this behind John's back and possibly facing some kind of punishment for drawing attention or wasting money. It also represents Dean trying his hardest to make holidays happy and normal for Sam (these fireworks were shot on 4th of July). When he locates Sam immediately after, it's enjoying a major holiday at someone else's house, because (from Dean's perspective) Dean's attempts weren't good enough no matter how hard he tried.

As for the memory with Mary—which is the Dean memory that Sam gets to see—I think it helps to suppose that if Sam's memories are intended to tell Dean something, Dean's memories are meant to tell Sam something. In the Mary memory, we see that twinge of loss—and maybe not quite envy—but some form of grief from Sam when Dean gets to enjoy that memory with Mary in their old house and Sam doesn't. Sam tries to speak to Mary, but she can't see him. Those happy memories are something Sam isn't able to touch, and I think that colors his response later when Dean asks why all his memories are being away from their family. Sam jumps to "I didn't get the crust cut off my PB&J" because he's still thinking about and grieving that loss, and is probably wondering if he'd have that desire for tenderness that's so present in Dean's interactions with Mary, if Sam had ever gotten the chance to know her as a mom.

Like—contrary to fanon narrative, in the actual show Supernatural, there is a tenderness in Dean that simply isn't that present in Sam's interactions with others up to season 5. Sam loves their family, and his sense of filial piety in particular becomes very strong (see: 2.02, 2.05, actual Sam in 2.20, 4.19, 5.13), but he primarily thinks of family by season 5 as a source of security, strength, and built-in community in a world where most "normal" connections aren't possible. See what he tells "Adam" in 4.19:

Being a hunter isn't a job, Adam. It's life. You're pre-med. You got a girlfriend, friends? Not anymore you don't. If you're really gonna do this, you can't have those kinds of connections, ever. They're weaknesses. You'll just put those people in danger, get them killed. That's the price we pay. You cut 'em out, and you don't look back. There's only one thing you can count on. Family.

In his interactions with "Adam", he focuses on teaching him the ropes. In his interactions with found family like Bobby, he avoids the hard conversations riddled with painful emotions and risk of seeing someone get hurt/killed and focuses on the mission. When he can tell Dean isn't doing well in season 2 and 4, he pushes Dean to open up then flips the narrative to wanting Dean to get over it as soon as he knows what's going on. He isn't actually a very (genuinely) tender person by default up to this point. So maybe he sees a connection between Dean's capacity for tenderness and desire for tenderness and their mother's affections when Dean was a child, and thinks "Well I didn't get that, and that's why I'm like this." Neither he nor Dean actually ever clock that Zachariah is leading them to the specific memories he wants them to see.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

In case you haven’t already been asked, can I please hear the soapbox about Aleksander being a direct take on Edward Cullen?

(Also your meta is astonishingly well written and well thought out and a delight to read!)

Thank you so much! That’s so sweet! Not to be vain, but well I am simply vain and like hearing that lol.

This is a fandom I’ve mostly avoided interacting with people in because I feel like there seems to be a very strong dichotomy between people who absolutely loathe the Darkling and all aspects of the villain ship and judge any engagement with it or conversely people who loooove him but are like “He’s never done anything wrong in his life ever and Alina’s actually evil and ungrateful for running away from him”

So I’ve mostly just been quietly posting fic in my own corner for as long as I’ve been on the periphery of the fandom. The current meta thing happened on accident but it’s been fun and I enjoy getting asks!

Anyway, this took me awhile to get to because I’ve been trying to figure out how to best articulate my thoughts beyond what I already generally said in that other post:

[Shadow and Bone was probably being written] towards the tail end of the post Twilight paranormal, and specifically vampire, romance boom. It was not at all uncommon to see unironic romances focusing on impressionable teenaged protagonists with poor self esteem, getting with 100+ year old love interests who, in singling them out (for their “maturity” and discontent from their peer group) validate their self worth, but also completely isolate and impose their own values on them.

The first half of the very first TGT book follows those same tropes pretty closely, and the initial romance heavy book marketing was basically indistinguishable from that crop of books.

To be clear, I think wish fulfillment stories are fine lol, but it’s really interesting to think of SaB (and the Darkling!) as a deliberate deconstruction in response to those trends.

So that does sum up my thoughts generally. But to get into it in more depth, let’s talk about Twilight.

Stories featuring teen protagonists and immortal love interests are older than Twilight, of course. But I’d argue that Twilight codified and popularized a particular version where the point is validation of self worth through the romance.

Comparing it to 90s versions of similar plotlines, BTVS, Vampire Diaries (the books), and Silver Kiss all have teen/immortal romances but the protagonist is already mostly self actualized or previously singled out as special in some way. It’s not dependent on the love interest noticing the protagonist to signify that she’s deserving of attention? If that makes sense? The romances instead hinge more on the protagonist having some sort of brush with death or other source of morbidity that allows her to feel kinship with the vampire and relate to him.

(I’m using specific pronouns because this is such a gendered and heterosexual genre and story type. I’d argue gender roles are an inherent part of how it functions)

With BTVS it’s Buffy’s entire alter life as a slayer and the violence and loneliness of it that her peers could never understand. Vampire Diaries and Silver Kiss both focus on loss of a parent(s) and the jarring alienation of grief.

Conversely, Twilight opens with Bella as an aggressively ordinary and unassuming girl. The narrative is very explicit about her not feeling very pretty or special in any way. She’s dissatisfied with her life because she constantly puts everyone else in it first, and though she is forever self sacrificing she also isn’t very vocal about it, so she gets no meaningful acknowledgement for how much she tries to do.

It’s also worth noting that Bella being the new addition to a very small town and all attention being on her is also a prominent part of the first book, so it’s really about superficial attention vs someone really Seeing Her. This is reinforced by her coming to Edward’s attention at all because a) he inexplicably can’t read her thoughts and b) her blood smells really good and is testing his morals and self control lmfao. Because again both of these things are superficial forms of attention and specialness and the particularly tasty blood— imo primarily being a very Mormon metaphor for violent sexual desire/impulses in men— is in-universe just overtly negative attention. But they fall in love despite all that, because she is pure enough and nice enough and interesting enough on her own merits that he sees past all that to who she is as a person.

Whether or not these themes are consciously employed, Twilight is inextricable imo from Stephenie Meyer’s Mormonism and that sort of very conservative perspective. In a way, the romance in Twilight becomes a metaphor for an inherently violent man (It’s not his fault though! He’s just cursed with sinful urges!) being faced with how pure and secretly special the protagonist is and being floored enough by it to instead fall in love with her. It’s about seeing her humanity and it being so shockingly unique to him apparently that it eclipses his predisposition to see her simply as one of three existing categories: an NPC, prey, OR despised temptation who exists solely to challenge his morals.

This is further explored by the werewolves as an incredibly racist mirror to this, and Emily as an example of someone whose violent spouse was not able to hold back… perhaps because she simply wasn’t special enough… or honestly perhaps because she didn’t see the value of their relationship and (iirc) didn’t want anything to do with him. Their relationship is apparently idyllic once she’s chosen to stay 😬 but that’s tangential.

This element of violence is something that the biggest and most well known Twilight imitator, Fifty Shades of Grey, definitely picked up on. (Unfortunately I’m also going to talk about Fifty Shades a fair bit to compare and contrast!) Where, its incredibly flawed swapping out of vampirism for perceived sexual deviance in the form of terrible BDSM etiquette lmao and just outright trauma notwithstanding, the main premise is just overtly “What if you were SO pure and sweet that an abusive and overtly sadistic man who is going out of his way to not see your personhood was forced to confront you as a human being and fell in love with you, enough so to change his ways entirely”

All this being said, I don’t think Twilight’s biggest impact on the paranormal romance genre as a touchstone was really as a metaphor for… uh being good enough to not be victimized by a man lmao. At least not all the time. I’d argue the most popularly recycled tropes are just that of an unassuming protagonist with low self esteem, who’s never really acknowledged by her peers, having her worth validated by an immortal creature. This validation comes from a hot immortal love interest being framed as inherently better and cooler than the guys all the other girls are dating, but also because immortality means that this older and more worldly character presumably has a much higher standard to clear! If this character is saying that the protagonist is shockingly special and interesting and worthy of love, next to all of her peers that he doesn’t even notice at all, that must both be true and a good thing. In this way, the love interest’s values, either inadvertently or deliberately, are the only values that matter. And rising to that standard is usually synonymous with isolation from one’s peers and even viewing them as lesser.

Meanwhile, another frequent trope in the genre is controlling behavior. This is typically just there as a way to highlight how much the love interest loves the protagonist, and maybe as a way to introduce some desirable undertones of danger/conflict. In Twilight’s defense, while Edward imposing his own values on Bella entirely, constantly ignoring the very few boundaries she sets, and being all around a controlling creep isn’t treated with a real understanding of its gravity, it’s also not presented wholly uncritically. There is a (very drawn out) arc over the course of the series where she allows her identity to be subsumed into him and existing only in terms of their relationship, but by the last book she does actually push back on plenty of his hard and fast rules— if still in that fundamentally conservative and Mormon way. She keeps the baby he doesn’t want; she gets to turn into a vampire and stay with him forever; her experience with vampirism ISN’T his experience with vampirism ie mindless bloodthirstiness lol; she doesn’t need to fake her death; her family and friends can continue to be a part of her life. But Twilight imitators usually don’t get that far!

So let’s finally circle back around to Shadow and Bone:

First of all let’s talk about its early marketing. Shadow and Bone’s earlier title was the Gathering Dark and iirc the first round of ARCs were even sent out with that title and this cover:

Notice the paranormal romance tagline of “A dark heart. A pure soul. A love that will last forever.”

Meanwhile this was the official blurb it was initially released with:

“Surrounded by enemies, the once-great nation of Ravka has been torn in two by the Shadow Fold, a swath of near impenetrable darkness crawling with monsters who feast on human flesh. Now its fate may rest on the shoulders of one lonely refugee.

Alina Starkov has never been good at anything. But when her regiment is attacked on the Fold and her best friend is brutally injured, Alina reveals a dormant power that saves his life—a power that could be the key to setting her war-ravaged country free. Wrenched from everything she knows, Alina is whisked away to the royal court to be trained as a member of the Grisha, the magical elite led by the mysterious Darkling.

Yet nothing in this lavish world is what it seems. With darkness looming and an entire kingdom depending on her untamed power, Alina will have to confront the secrets of the Grisha . . . and the secrets of her heart.”

And this additional very romance novel blurb that was on some other marketing material:

“Alina, a pale, lonely orphan, discovers a unique power that thrusts her into the the world of the kingdom's magical elite - the Grisha. Could she be the key to setting Ravka free?

The Darkling, a man of seductive charm and terrifying power. If Aline is to fulfill her destiny, she must unlock her gift and face up to her dangerous attraction to him.

But what of Mal, Alina's childhood best friend? Why can't she forget him?”

ALSO here is the romance heavy book trailer:

Fans of Darklina as an endgame ship will argue that this was indicative of there being an earlier romance focused version where they were intended to end up together. I… highly doubt that personally.

In all interviews, even the earliest ones, where Leigh Bardugo talks about the story and the characters and how she came up with them, she talks about it from a perspective that sounds in keeping with how the plot played out, as in, the Darkling existing to be a literal villain.

I think all this just places SaB as a Madoka Magica, or Doki Doki Literature Club type deconstruction where deceptive marketing is simply working very hard to preserve the twist.

I think the story itself engages with Twilight pretty directly. Alina, as a youthful ingenue protagonist with low self esteem, a feeling of alienation from her peers, and feeling constantly overlooked by everyone, including her childhood best friend who she’s in love with, fits into the starting point of paranormal romance protagonist really well. The question of superficial attention is even addressed by her being discovered as the Sun Summoner and having so many sudden expectations thrust upon her.

Her gaining the Darkling’s attention specifically is initially framed in a fairly similar way to The Tropes. He is the aloof hot immortal teenager, who for the purposes of the deconstruction, everyone already even knows is at least over a hundred years old. Moreover he’s essentially treated like their (desirable….) school principal lmao to just really hammer home that his opinions matter More but also to make it feel vaguely weird.

There are a lot of moments in early SaB where the Darkling singles Alina out in a way that’s meant to look flattering at face value but that she’s quietly a little unnerved by. Off the top of my head, there’s the bit where the Grisha students are arguing over who Alina will walk with (when presented to the Tsar perhaps?) and the Darkling sweeps in and is like “she will walk with me.” Obviously, when he keeps trying to single her out by allowing her to wear black, which is his personal super special color that no one else gets to wear. When Zoya, as Thee popular girl, gets called into the principal’s office and he reprimands her for shfhff breaking Alina’s ribs (I love Zoya so much), and in the way it is ostensibly a win for Alina— Zoya isn’t the favorite girl anymore— but it’s also so obvious, in a way that’s very accessible to modern teens, that he is NOT their peer. Like, in universe we know that he is their commander and has rank over everyone. But that’s a fantasy element that probably doesn’t mean much to your average teenager. Meanwhile there’s a strong 1:1 analogue for him being like a real adult in their lives, when they are deliberately framed as teenagers. And it’s genuinely unsettling!

(Worth noting that mid 2000s YA also had a fair number of uncritical teacher romances. Because in those again there is the element of the protagonist’s worth and maturity being enforced by this more experienced and cooler adult finding her desirable)

I feel like the grooming in SaB while genuinely the most integral and interesting element of the entire trilogy to me, is also in some ways the most poorly accomplished. Probably some sort of mix of debut clumsiness and what I feel like might be discomfort with the topic preventing Bardugo from really getting into it. But of the successful and subtler moments, something that stands out to me is Alina not feeling like she can talk about the Darkling kissing her by the lake. And then trying to downplay it like “he probably kisses a bunch of Grisha girls”

Like. If he is going around kissing teenaged students under his command that is WEIRD that is a RED FLAG lmao.

But Alina just doesn’t have that frame of reference! While slightly unsettled by his attention she is mostly, genuinely flattered by it. He believes in her! He doesn’t know why he cares about her opinions of him but he does 🥺🥺 She’s somehow, successfully managed to cut through his aloofness by virtue of her specialness, and seeing into his angst about making up for his ancestor’s crimes, and believing in his madcap quest to get an even specialer amplifier necklace (lol) for her so that they can save the world together! The first half of S&B follows the logic of a Twilight imitator paranormal romance very solidly.

I think it’s also really interesting how the Darkling’s scary shadow powers, and the concept of there being an ancestor/dark legacy separate from him that he supposedly wants to prove he’s better than works as an analogue for vampirism. There’s a pretty direct 1:1 of “It looks like he’s dangerous, but don’t worry it’s just a bad reputation. It’s not his fault and he feels really bad about it.” So it’s really clever imo when the reveal is that there is no ancestor, there is no separation, it was all him all along, he did it on purpose and he is not sorry! He is dangerous to her and it’s literally his own choice to be that way.

So if the Edward type is a love interest whose violence/danger is something that is inherent to him, but it’s also not his fault at all, and it’s something that can be overcome by Bella’s personal purity and goodness, the Darkling is completely the opposite.

The threat he poses to Alina is entirely of his own volition. It’s a cold and calculated choice to seduce her, and later to try to magically enslave her. Likewise it’s, in my opinion, absolutely integral to the story that his obsession isn’t with her as a person at all, it’s with what she represents. He can be faced with her, in all her vulnerability and complexity, as a genuine human being and simply not care to stop himself from wanting to hurt her or subjugate her. Her opinions and her personality do not matter.

She cannot simply love him into no longer posing a threat to her! It doesn’t work like that!

Anyway, as promised (threatened?) earlier I have some Fifty Shades of Grey thoughts pertaining to Shadow and Bone too. While Fifty Shades doesn’t have the immortal/magical aspect at all, it’s painfully blatant Twilight fanfic, and so Christian Grey still embodies this love interest type fairly perfectly.

And it’s just really interesting to read with the context of it being a contemporary example of the sort of thing SaB is riffing off of and presenting critically, where those same things here are presented to be desirable.

There is an instance in FSOG where the protagonist’s friend is warning her to be careful about the love interest— while still laughing about how hot he is. And it is simply meant to make him seem thrilling and desirable!

But it feels almost like a 1:1 with Genya warning Alina in SaB where the warning is very literal. And compare that to the direct line drawn between Genya being preyed on by the Tsar and Alina being preyed on by the Darkling. They’re very different circumstances, but when there’s the overt and explicitly stated theme of “Be careful of powerful men” I can’t see how these two plot threads existing in the same book and presented in the same breath aren’t meant to be read as in conversation with each other.

There are also similar beats during Ana and Christian’s (stilted! very clumsy!) conversations where she strongly has the vibe of a kid at the principal’s office, unsure if she’s going to be scolded, and getting very flustered every time he makes her feel special in whatever small way.

Which is very similar to early Darklina interactions. Like I said before, the grooming was definitely the weakest part of SaB even though it’s simultaneously (imo) the most interesting/important aspect. But both books being varying degrees of bad just make them even more comparable to me?

It’s just intriguing to see vaguely similar things play out with clearly different awarenesses and intent in terms of what the main takeaway from these beats is meant to be.

Also! Again as yikes as Fifty Shades replacing vampirism with BDSM is, [insert joke about Christian Grey being a shitty dom vs the Darkling’s sexually charged desire to put Alina in a magic collar and fetters, and to get her to submit to him]

Sorry this was kind of all over the place but I hope that answers your question?

[raytorosaurus]

i think where people get confused is that mcr did try very hard and very overtly to make their shows a safe space for queer people and women which is not a political act it just feels political because being queer and/or a woman means you exist in a space where your being is politicised by those around you whether you want to actively be involved in those politics or not. but, as you said, the art itself is personal and the message at shows is generally also about personal expression and learning to be yourself and take care of yourself. there's an element of respect each other/respect each others' differences but that's not political there's no call to action there's no fight for structural change and that's totally fine they don't have to be that

yeah no you said it, i totally agree. like i said, they're only political as far as all art is political - maybe slightly more because they made an active effort to engage with a socially outcast audience, tho in their minds that wasn't about specific marginalised groups like queer people, neurodivergent ppl etc - beyond their vocal support of women at shows/in the scene, they were directing their art just at people who didn't quite fit in in general. there's a big venn diagram there (and obviously some contextual cause-and-effect in terms of what kind of people tended to be unwelcome in hardcore scenes lol - even then, mcr never made any statements about race or whiteness) but it's not like gerard started a band to empower or liberate specific identities in a political sense - it was very consciously an effort to sing more about general unifying human experiences - i.e. ones lots of people can relate to. one of mcr's (especially gerard as lyricist) greatest strengths is being able to tap into those "universal" emotions like grief, loneliness, self-hatred etc. and make them a little easier to confront head-on or feel a little less isolating. that's literally why they're popular - if they had been overtly political they simply never would have made it that big! wait i'll let hanif abdurraqib say it because he said it best (brief snippet from his wonderful essay on the black parade in his collection they can't kill us until they kill us - 100% worth the cost of the ebook alone, and all of his essays are brilliant).

that idea is kind of at the heart of mcr and something i really appreciate about it. there's actually very little specificity in mcr's lyrics by design - it's meant to be projected onto and interpreted. that makes it inherently difficult to politicise bc good politics requires clarity of message and intention. that in turn makes mcr pretty apolitical by nature - which isn't a bad thing! different bands (like all types of art) exist for different reasons, and mcr's reason is catharsis and connection far more than it is any kind of activism. we can be pretty assured based on the lyrics and what we know of the guys that their politics aren't terrible and that's enough for me.

the real issue comes in when people act like mcr are political and give them credit for something they're not (and something they've never really claimed to be!). i get that mcr is a gateway band for a lot of people into harder/heavier music - it was for me too! - but even bands one step removed from mcr in the same scene (e.g. thursday) are leagues more political than these guys are.

this goes beyond mcr/bandom now but....tbh i think a lot of it comes from that relatively recent attitude that's common in online circles that activism is heavily rooted in personal identity (which ties in with the harmful pattern of, for example, white queer people acting like they're somehow above other white people in terms of racism) and comes more from individual thought, words, and discussion (in which using the correct language sometimes has more weight than what you're trying to say) than it does from actual community action. this isn't an attack at anyone btw - a lot of the statements about mcr's politics around here are pretty flippant and light-hearted anyway, i doubt too many people are taking them super seriously, but it's probably worth considering. overall, i'm not listening to mcr for politics and i'm certainly not looking to any of them for political guidance, but it's nice to feel connected to them and to all of you guys and to know that they support my identity, but that’s kind of as far as it goes for me.

[orphantearstasteprettygoodngl]

YAYYYYY more edgy Project Ven content because I'm bored!!!

Aight bros, today imma get into the differences between Gwens symbiotic suit and Eddies/the Venom suit let's goo. (This post will mention spoilers for TSSM so if you wanna avoid that click away!!)

Oh yeah also I did not check to see if any of these sentences made sense, it's 3 am I'm sorry. (Oh yeah it's pretty edgy too lol)

The first thing we gotta talk about is the fact that Gwens suit isn't exactly organic like Eddie's, it uses remains of the symbiote that was found in webs all over the city and as well whatever remained in its containment. The suit Gwen uses mixes technology and organic stuff. Why? To create a weapon that can protect the host, that's why. To put it short, since a company known as V.E.N knows about Miles Warren's lab and the whole symbiote situation they entrust him to make a mercenary suit, mainly because they trust him more than the Connors. I'm not gonna get into detail on who collected the webs the symbiote produced, because I don't want this to be too long.

Oh yeah, there's also the difference in how connected they are to their hosts. Gwens symbiote is basically connected to her blood and nervous system while Eddie's is skin, so.. not a very yippee situation.

Anyways, next is the suits symbiotes themselves. Eddie's symbiote is of course more of a person compared to Gwens, that thing actually has its own personality. Meanwhile, Gwens symbiote is more like a human still developing its personality. Gwen had gotten the suit via it getting out of its containment while it's still in development, sure it's smart enough to open the containment door, but it doesn't really have its own personality. All it knows is that it wants to bond with someone or something.

Over time, of course, it'll develop its own personality. But it won't exactly be a nice and friendly personality, to get you caught up Gwens going through the grief of her father's death, she's specifically feeling a lot of anger and hate. She's also not the most mentally stable at the moment, she isn't insane but she definitely needs some kind of therapist or maybe someone to vent to. But, anyway, the suit gains its personality from someone who's angry, grieving, and not really mentally well. So, you know, the suits are not exactly gonna be a good person. Not like Eddie's suit is any better though.

Alright, now we have how the suit affects the host. We know Eddie/the Venom suit doesn't really affect the host in a good way, the symbiote kind of makes the host more aggressive or, you know, crazy in Eddie's case. It also seems to exhaust its host, we literally see Eddie collapse when it leaves him the first time.

Gwens suit is a little different, like with Peter the effects start slowly, very slowly in this case. At first for Gwen, the suit doesn't change her personality too much, she's actually having some fun experimenting with it. But, after 2 days of using the suit she begins to feel more irritable, the world all of a sudden feels too loud and everyone feels so annoying. It's the type of annoying that makes you want to tear out your ears.

Slowly but surely she starts to snap more like how Peter did. She didn't snap often, maybe if someone asked if she was fine or not too many times she would, but usually she felt pretty guilty and apologized afterwards. But as the symbiote begins to develop its own personality from hidden anger and as well grief, the guilt begins to fade, her lashing out becomes more frequent, not only that but she also begins to isolate herself.

Personality changes aren't the only thing that's happening too. The suit can also damage her body, the suit isn't completely finished, its weakness to heat and vibrations is still present. Usually, the symbiote will only be affected, but since it's a lot more connected to Gwen it also harms her. It's very much an ouchie moment.

And finally, we have the suit's capabilities. Gwens suit is more capable of using its goo as a weapon, it can create arm blades with the goo, of course it won't be as effective as an actual blade but it'll still be pretty damn harmful. Eddie's suit doesn't really produce a weapon like that, he can make tendrils though so that's pretty cool.

Their suits are sort of different but they're still really cool, I might post about Gwens relationships with the other characters and what's happening in her life soon.

[triviareads]

Hiiiii! This is a bit specific but do you know any romance novels (Modern or historical) with Brown leads that aren't about cultural trauma? 💀 I feel a bit tired everytime I pick up a book with a Brown (SWANA or South Asian) lead bc it's always about arranged marriage drama, generational clashes between disappointed old fashioned uber strict immigrant parents who wanted their kid to be doctor and their child, terrible aunties and racism and/or islamophobia related drama. I kind of feel bad for thinking like this bc all the romance books with SWANA or South Asian leads are always written by women who belong to the cultures in the books and I wanna support them whenever I can, but I'm also tired of getting slapped by trauma I personally know when all I want is fun, drama,good chemistry,cute tropes and good spice without pin straight honey blonde locks, ocean blue orbs and milky white skin,you know? 😥

I have literally dedicated my life to finding such books (I joke with a friend that every time she picks up a book with an Asian lead, there's inevitably generational trauma), and it's hard! I feel like only recently have I started to see South Asian authors write in a way that doesn't make me think they hate their own culture or are embarrassed by it. Unfortunately, I can't think of a historical romance that doesn't have some form of racial trauma (I wish more romances set in South Asia existed/were published abroad). But here are some contemporary recs:

Tastes like Shakkar by Nisha Sharma (out on 8/1): My full review isn't out yet, but I loved Bobbi and Benjamin's (dw despite the names, they're both Punjabi) relationship progression (it's sold as enemies to lovers but the enemies portion doesn't last super long tbh). It has solid sex scenes and Nisha even ventures into kink (a rarity for non-white characters). Plus, both Bobbi and Benjamin embrace their culture and you get the sense that they truly love it, and funnily enough, the aunty squad in this book is actually a force for good lol.

The Roommate Risk (previously Wanna Bet?) by Talia Hibbert: Friends-to-lovers but done RIGHT. Rahul Khan has been in love with Jasmine Allan since he gave his virginity to her (the flashback scenes in this one are great). Now, 7 years later, she's living with him because her apartment flooded, and cue all the angst and confused feelings!! Talia writes her sex scenes really well, this amazing combination of emotional intimacy and realness (and a little humor), not to mention they're uniformly hot.

Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert: So in hindsight, Talia Hibbert tends to make her South Asian heroes daddy types (stern brunch daddy types.... if you will) and Zafir Ansari fits within this pattern. Him and Dani decide to fake-date to help get publicity for his charity. The funny thing here is that Rahul is the romantic (he reads Harlequin romances!!!!!! And having sex without feelings is a STRUGGLE for this man) and Dani is relationship-avoidant, so that's fun for them. Also, Zafir is dealing with grief from losing his father and brother, but it's less "South Asian Family Trauma" and moreso just a genuine exploration of grief and coping with the help of his family.

Claiming His Bollywood Cinderella by Tara Pammi: I think Harlequins might be your best bet if you want to read about Indians in India (fun fact, Tara inspired me to try writing a Harlequin-style romance). This has kind of a Cinderella vibe; The hero Vikram is a Bollywood actor, and the heroine Naina is his grandma's assistant and they hook up at a masquerade party (which was.... very hot even if Vikram is prone to speeches while he's inside her lol), and it goes from there. It's a solid (technically slow-burn I think) romance.

The Secret She Kept in Bollywood by Tara Pammi: This is about Vikram's sister Anya and the adopted father of the child Anya gave away several years ago, Simon (he's brown too), who might also be the DILFiest DILF to ever DILF. Tell me what other man can help you through a panic attack without even knowing who you are, and then immediately proceed to give you the best sex of your life? I'll wait. No but real talk, this one hits a lot of really great emotional notes about family (not to mention a great romance) without being about, like, South Asian trauma.

Sink or Swim by Tessa Bailey: Ft. a Gujarati heroine, Jiya, and Andrew, her friend who's been in love with her since forever. What I love about this book is that the friends-to-lovers aspect isn't too cutesy; it's a bit angsty and the sexual obsession aspect is what really sold me (not to mention the fact that Andrew's a service top and that's shown in the BEST scene, therefore also subverting the "submissive Asian woman" stereotype). I also think I think the book has very reasonable portrayal of Desi parents; they want what they think is best for Jiya, and Jiya actually agrees to meet a guy in an an arranged-marriage set up, but ultimately they come around to Andrew once they understand that he loves her and will take care of her.

Serving Pleasure by Alisha Rai: Okay so maybe this has some intergenerational South Asian family drama (namely how Rana's mother views her sex life) but it's too good not to recommend! Like, sometimes you really want a crazy heroine who lowkey stalks the hero (but it's okay, Micah here gets off on it... literally), and Rana ends up being his muse (he's an artist) as they start an affair with a definite end date but obviously, Feelings get in the way.

[the-slasher-files]

Alright allow me to overanalyze on Asa Emory’s character, if you don’t mind... 

THE COLLECTOR AND HIS DOGS

Basically this is just me nerding out over dogs and the life of having working dogs also the connection Asa might have to them, so don’t mind me. Now if you do not know I am a person who owns 3 dogs myself, is a big dog lover, have worked with many many different types and characters of dogs, and also follow different sports and clubs with dogs involved. So from experience and research this is where I get this info I'm gonna share ;) hope you enjoy my ted talk🔪💕

In the first movie The Collector Asa has a German Shepard chained up outside the home, using it as a first of many strings in protection. Later on in the movie you get a better look at the dog and what it can do; searching and wanting to lock onto a target, any target. Now this is different from protection work and leads more into a German dog sport called schutzhund. This sport is the ability to test just how good your working dog is at working, it is based from protection work, to tracking, to obedience, to bite. 

This training style is very severe in some cases, and this is what the police use for their training more often than not. It takes a very particular person to have dogs in this sport, even if it is just for fun. And we all know just how particular Asa is lol. 

Now who is the type of person to put their dogs into this? A very interesting one. First of all, anyone who is really into this work will hand pick the type of dog they want, from breed to working lines (meaning how well the dogs parents did in competition, as well as how the breeder is with other dogs). Now you can choose as well where you get these dogs from, could be from Europe to America doesn’t matter, it is up to the soon to be owners choice. Either way these dogs are expensive and need heavy hours set into them to achieve the level of training Asa has his dogs working on, and even more so in the second movie by working together. These people often have a huge thing with power and control, which we already know from Asa, but also they usually need/have extreme self-discipline wanting to be perfect in every aspect, could be a dogs position next to you if they aren’t as close that gets you fucked up because they could not defend you properly. Everything needs to be flawless. 

With all this work, self-discipline and control it can be extremely rewarding, especially for Asa in this case to see someone get their face ripped off, it is in his sadistic nature. Even having the dogs presence is often enough to intimidate anyone, in a lot of police work situations people will flee or hide somewhere if they know it is just a single officer, but once the dog gets brought in people more than likely surrender, fast and easy. If anyone of Asa’s collection pieces chooses to run or hide, the dogs can sniff out where they go, they can out run people and will bite, at least without the dogs people could have a chance. Another good thing about dogs is that they alert, if Asa is working and the dogs bark he will know exactly where that person is easily. 

So to overview what I just rambled about before getting into the next topic, Asa is a very control oriented person, needing to have power over something and be very strategic in doing so. Getting off on the intimidation and fear factor of his victims, and even more so when people get bit. These dogs are also for his own protection, caring about himself and his beautiful collection first, and maybe even caring for the double life he leads more. It also can make Asa’s life easier, not having to always make the kill himself, and this leads me to believe that it isn’t really the kill that gets him off, it is the chase, the skill he has taken and the victims skill of getting away that drives him. Almost uses the dogs in more annoyance just because people aren’t dying and getting in his way or messing with his stuff. I mentioned skill a sentence back and I want to bring it up again because I think it’s important; Asa can appreciate the skill of his victims, it makes it more thrilling but also I think he has a deep appreciation for his dogs skills, being extremely hard working and intelligent creatures, like himself and some victims. Now with the thing about Asa taking his favorites, he is trying to find the right one, the perfect one, making more sense for him to have dogs, Asa can mold his perfect dog, using only working dogs, dogs that love to please and want to be perfect for you.            

Now moving on to the next topic - Connections. So this could go two ways, a good way and a bad, no in between. The majority of people grow extreme bonds with their dogs, especially their working dogs, all the hours you put into the training and you have to trust your dog and they have to trust you. In the military specifically dogs build one of the strongest connections with the soldiers, they are their comfort because they see the same things and yet still have a wagging tail, they can save each others lives, protect one another and appreciate each other deeply for skill and for love. Now there are other people, most common in police work because the dogs can sometimes be too intense or have certain contracts but, these people don’t take their dogs home or when they are home they stay in one room or kennel mostly. Sometimes there are dogs that just can’t adapt to home life and just want to work, but sometimes they can make wonderful family and house dogs. At the same time it is up to the owner choosing what they want for the dog. 

Something strikes me with Asa that he genuinely loves his dogs but at the same time some of his actions make me think twice. In the first movie the dog is chained up away from the dangerous traps of the inside, he is protecting the dog at first, but moving along in the movie he releases the dog into the home going after Arkin. Now this is the dogs job mind you, so Asa trusts him, but also you can see a lot of traps or dangers have been removed so the dog can work safely and knows the dog is smart enough to avoid some of the obvious traps. He lets him work but also wants to help the dog, perhaps not wanting the dog to get seriously hurt or maybe just finally finishing Arkin off. Also the scene where Asa is outside and calls off the dog when he is biting a guy, again maybe for safety of the pet maybe just to watch the man struggle. Ultimately the dog dies in the first one, but Asa watches very carefully when the dog is going after Arkin, and there is almost a ‘sadness’ or maybe curiosity to Asa’s face, and I think he knows in that moment his dog is sadly dead. 

In The Collection you don’t see the dogs really work that much, you only see them barking at Abby then barging in the room with Asa, so it is hard to really see any connections. From both movies I would say Asa takes the dogs with him for the most part, takes them to ‘jobs’ and brings them to the hotel. Now at the hotel it is important to notice the dogs do not have free range or else we would see them probably a lot more. My best guess is that Asa cares for the dogs and doesn’t want them getting hurt by his traps until he knows who the people are, that’s when he loses it, literally going in all guns a blazing. When he does bring the dogs out they are only with him, aka his control and protection side coming out. Now in this scene Asa has an assault rifle that he uses in tandem with the dogs, but I noticed carefully watching the scene, Asa never shoots towards the dogs, he lets them work, again trusting them deeply, if he did shoot around not caring for them the bullets would have defiantly hit Arkin and wounded him or killed him. Of course after this scene we don’t really get to see Asa in any sort of grief, (which I really wanted lol) he is just busy trying to kill everyone else and not get caught by the cops. 

Then in the final scene of The Collection we see Asa’s home, this is like months after the events at the hotel from what I can tell, but we see no dogs, not a trace. Simply he maybe could not have gotten anymore dogs since his collection was destroyed and he doesn’t really need dogs to protect his stuff any longer, or maybe Asa did not find new dogs that he wanted yet, or just maybe they were locked in the house away in a room, keeping his house spotless. Who knows it is all up to the person watching, I don’t think they expected a dog crazy person to be diving this deep lol.

So my final thoughts. I personally think Asa really likes his dogs and they bring him good company and something to have power over in his regular life. Once you have a dog, especially dogs that take so much work and training time it is very hard for people to just stop having dogs. Also being a biologist I think he can deeply appreciate them for their intelligence and skill. If anyone says Asa would like cats you can fuck off because look what happened to the cat in the first movie, it was clumsy and got itself killed, plus look at his house, not a thing knocked over lol, a cat would never do for him. Anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk and letting me nerd out! Fill free to add your own thoughts.       

This is Aero from the first movie, a German Shepard that might be from some European lines, but looks mostly American to me.     

Now I sadly couldn’t find these dogs names, but these 2 are a little different. To me the one on the left looks like a European line longer fur german shep. While the one on the right looks like a belgian malinois maybe with some shepard in it. 

[astermacguffin]

Generally, I think there are three major interpretations of "Evil Deancas"—it's a term that we use interchangeably when we usually mean different things. (Although to be fair, these categories often overlap and are not mutually exclusive.) We can summarize these interpretations as:

1. Evil as in "These are bad people"

2. Evil as in "These people are bad for each other"

3. Evil as in "How bad can these people be?"

The First Interpretation

This is perhaps the easiest interpretation to pull off in fics because all you need to do is make one (or both of them), in a sense, a bad person. Arguably, they're already bad people in canon, but what I mean here is the "evil in a theatrical way" kinda thing.

Within this category, there are even more specific interpretations. They can just be fun and stupid ("haha we're murder husbands") or dark and sexy ("Dean and Cas become rulers of the Pit and they erotically torture others and each other"—and yes, this is a spinoff series for DTA, made by THEE author of DTA), or some combination of the two.

A version of this interpretation that I'm 50/50 about is when the writer makes one or both of them SO EVIL to the point that the only commonality between the canon and fic version of the characters is their name. Yes, it's fun to do, but it's also so easy to do because you can just do this to any other character. Like, what makes these characters Dean or Cas aside from name alone? It's not as compelling to me. (NOTE: This is NOT a value judgment and I'm not saying people should stop writing how they want. I personally enjoy these kinds of fics from time to time.)

This is personally where I would categorize most of the Demon!Dean/Mark of Cain fics I've read so far. What's interesting about this is that the First Interpretation often entails the Second Interpretation (e.g. due to Dean being Like That, he ends up being bad for Cas as well), but not necessarily. Let me elaborate on this in the next part.

The Second Interpretation

This interpretation is the one that I personally think yields the most Destiel content. (Yes, they can be bad for each other even as friends, but if you're reading/writing deancas fics then chances are that you don't read them as a platonic relationship. Just a guess.)

I think this interpretation is at its most powerful when it's aiming to tease out and address the toxic aspects of Cas and Dean's relationship in canon. What's fascinating about this is that you don't even need to put them in canon world to do this; I have read many AU fics that meaningfully tackle their issues just as well as (and sometimes even better than) fics in the canon world. (Yes, I know they can be toxic. I've seen it; I enjoy it.)

Depending on how well the writer understands these characters, this interpretation can either go very well or very badly. There are three versions of this: 1) Dean is bad for Cas; 2) Cas is bad for Dean, and; 3) They are bad for each other. Which of these three you will focus on will ultimately depend on what you are trying to achieve in your fic. Often, I find that fics like this function as in-depth character studies as well. This makes a lot of sense, considering how the conflict in these fics are often internal more than external.

There are generally two paths that you can take with this. You can either take the angsty path where they just end up not being together, or you can take the Angst With A Happy Ending route and make them work their way into having a happy and functional relationship. (I'm personally a big fan of the second one.)

The Third Interpretation

This one is very unique because it often draws power from either of the first or second interpretations. Notice how this interpretation is phrased as a question and not a declaration. This is because fics like this often deal with answering questions.

The point of these fics is to explore not how bad they already are, but how bad they can be, given the right circumstances. This interpretation is a two-pronged process that asks you to answer these two questions:

* What circumstances would break them?

* How far would they go once they break?

A famous example of this is in With Understanding, where the answer goes:

* Dean breaks in grief after Sam dies in the Heaven Trials.

* Dean kidnaps FBI agent Castiel Novak.

Fics like this also function well as character studies, because they often use the already existing issues and neuroses of the characters and takes them to their most extreme conclusions (e.g. how Dean's control issues manifests in the kidnapping in WU).

Synthesis

This is a flexible category system for us to grasp what exactly do we mean when we use the term "evil deancas" and how these interpretations overlap. Not all fics would fit neatly into these categories, of course, but it is fun to think of which fics fit in which interpretations. For example, I think the godstiel arc in canon starts as a Type 3 for both of them (Dean and Cas both break from each other's perceived betrayals and enacts drastic measures) that then devolves into a Type 1 Cas and a Type 2 Dean. I'm not sure if this makes sense to any of you lol

[shadowdianne]

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Kisses with their last dying breath

A/N So, apparently, my beloved anon, you are none other than @delirious-comfort. With that in mind I must remind you all that this time I wasn’t the one going for angst. The prompt specifically requests for it so, pointing fingers, please go and talk to AJ about this one

Having said that. Since you don’t do shipping, but merely prompts -your words, not mine xd- I had a little bit of a discussion with myself on what would be the best angle. Try at Cissamione even though we both know that’s kind of stagnant at this point? Try for bellamione even though we are painfully aware I don’t actively ship them minus some very few cases? Go for some of your most recent pairings you are currently reading about? I could but I lack some general background that while interesting would account for some hours of studying about the pairing in particular that would still make it sound fake-y. Should I go for SQ even if we both know how utterly burnt out I’m from the fandom in general? Should I go for some of my OCs? To be honest. I really would like to present them in society so to speak -lol- but I’m not entirely sure how to go about that or if anyone would be interested PLUS there would not be the emotional impact other pairings would have since you don’t know them.

At the end I went for SQ. I’ve killed them both enough times to be a familiar territory for the two of us lol. And let’s be honest; destroying Regina with feelings is something I’ll always enjoy if only for the multiple pathways that opens to her way of dealing with grief.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough, on with this

PS: Quiet warning: There’s mention of hospitals on this one. I’m obviously not a doctor so I’ve decided to take some liberties here and there but considering the amount of bullshit we are all experiencing at the moment if you feel like passing on this one I’d understand. This goes both to AJ here or any other reader. AJ if you don’t like this version I have a much more magicky one drafted I can whip out.

The beeping of the machines is incessant and there is a stupid comfort in them Regina has grown to hate. Their sound is a painful reminder of those who get to keep on breathing, no matter how labored. She had learnt, years ago, how death can make everyone selfish, painfully selfish, but there’s still a freshness to it that makes her take breaths deeper than she would usually go for if only to remind herself that the machines don’t beep for her. Not yet, after all.

Her hands are still and clammy, cold having already crept out over her fingertips for the number of hours she has taken the position she is now in. She could move, she knows that, but the pain is also a bringer of comfort since they keep on holding, fastened around much more fragile fingers that keep their own curve against them: an instant magic traveling from hers to them in a never-ending circle. She has wondered, more times than she is able to count since days are a blur of repetition she wishes would be the byproduct of a curse, about that lifeforce, that link, she has wished for the ability of her fingers and her touch alone to heal and cure and bring back. She does it again now, out of the play for the mental exercise than anything else since morphine has been administrated steady enough now to come to the fact that there’s very little in regards of acting beyond the act of waiting itself.

She has come to despise how clocks are incessant and ever-present no matter where she is at. The continuous trickle of seconds, minutes, and hours another reminder, a threat, that she cannot really stop. No matter how long she may try to run away from time, it has the ability to come back to her, to the background of her mind, in where she is capable of listening to its faint ticking, always reminding her, always making her feel as if time is as still as water can be, as running as dry sand over her closed fists.

The smell of the hospital is another thing she is familiar with. Was familiar with. But there’s an acute lack of difference around it. Regina loathes this, she would love to be able to sense more, to see more, to see a distinct difference she could cling to. There’s none, not really. Magic is the only thing keeping her sane and she has come to resent it too, if only for the way its mingled, mixed, with that scent that she has come to link with Emma much more than cinnamon, than burning comfort, than clean blankets, than comfortable afternoons.

She should be the one going first. She had muttered it through gritted teeth as they had first heard the news: both Henry and her. Whale had been apologetic, soft, but the impact of his words had still dented them both. Snow and David had been much louder than they had been but, at the end, they had always been louder. Wasn’t anything else they could do?

Palliatives, the doctor had said, and his eyes had been clear, as if waiting but Regina had known that he felt reluctant about it. How much would be for their benefit, how much for Emma’s? The question had haunted her, no true answer behind the words. It was all about selfishness, about selflessness? Did it really darken her heart wishing for anything, anyone, that would be able to make time run slower and slower still? The quiet understanding of not having much more to do came with that precise ticking; pain still blazing through her every move.

“It will hurt less and less.” She had tried to tell herself, Henry, but while true in some aspect she still couldn’t quite place, it really didn’t matter. The bouts of pain were there, after all, and would continue to be.

Emma had been lucid sometimes after the news, her body seeming to give up on her a day, keep her standing the next. There were minute changes, of course: a glimpse of her eyes, a way of smiling, a way of holding her hands, always in the same angle product of the tubes, the hospital bed, the height of the mattress, the height of the chair. At first she had grabbed to them, hoping that they would signal something. At the end, truly, they hadn’t.

Was it selfish for her, then, to work with and against time at the same time? Was it selfish for her to bury herself in memories as they superimposed themselves with the image of Emma, consumed Emma, who kept on cracking jokes whenever she had enough presence of mind to do them? She hadn’t truly spoken about it, about not waking up at some point, of the way her body felt always cold now, of how magic felt weaker now, of how her scent was mixed with that awful awful odor of hospital and sickness.

It would be easier, Regina said despite knowing it wasn’t true, would never be, if there truly had been something that she could focus at: something to name and seek revenge against.

“Her entire body is failing her.” Whale had said and Regina had nodded, knowing I already, fearing for it already. Emma had been silent that day, lucid, capable of talking and remembering them all well enough to be able to sense what their contrite faces screamed rather than whisper.

Regina had learnt quite quickly that she wasn’t a whisper type of person. She understood why Henry did it, why David did, why Snow would only if doctors were present and explaining things to them, but she hated it. She would rather have Emma listen to her voice until there was nothing left to say. Silences were more difficult to bear.

Except now, of course, in where time is running thin enough to be translucent and the hours are minutes that pass through as the trickling of the morphine keeps its work. She is not able to see it, of course, the liquid, since it had already been administrated and the last dose had been given a few minutes ago, but her mind keeps conjuring the image up, as a way of understanding, maybe, of picturing what she is not able to.

She feels a tap of her hands, more of a shiver going up her cold fingers and she focuses back on what laid around her rather than solely on Emma’s face. Still had come with different descriptors the longer the time passed. Still did not mean completely, there always would be some tension around her eyes, around her mouth, the way her cheeks sat atop the bones. Completely relaxed muscles meant something else, something that she kept on searching for, dreading it. There were times in where the muscles changed positions, quick trembles that created a smile there, a wink here, words that would be understandable or not at all and Regina had lost count of the promises -empty, full of anger and ire and fire and heat and cold and tiredness- she had screamed to time.

They had taken away the nasogastric tubes, there would not be any food to be given, after all, and all medications were already via catheter, so she is able to see words forming around Emma’s lips, as if they are drawn around them rather than being pushed away from slowly falling lungs. It takes some time: throat is still sore, energies are running low, but Regina had grown accustomed to the language that came with it all. She moves closer, closer still, not quite registering the whimper that comes from Henry’s side of the room [He refused to touch Emma sometimes and the notion hurt Regina, but she knew she couldn’t quite make him do it if he himself wasn’t able to and the dichotomy of both statements tore her apart if she looked into them long enough] and pushes through tired eyes and sore muscles.

“Would you kiss me?”

A bubbling tear echoes through Regina’s own vocal cords, but she swallows it down knowing this would not be the time for them. She is strong, isn’t she? She is, she needs to be. And so, she glances back to Henry who is biting on his fist and staring at his mothers, at loss.

Time, damned time. Snow and David are asleep, having been reminded that they had a child to attend to, having asked, pleaded almost to be let known if anything changed. Regina has been reluctant on understanding what anything truly meant. She now eyes back to Emma, at the way her eyes were clouded, and she motions to Henry for the phone.

“Call them.” She asks and she knows with distinct clarity that there would be a much more time to talk and chat and listen later, but she feels like she isn’t able for any of it now. Henry flees for the call, his own lips quivering, and Regina eyes Emma once more, at the way lines of magic run through her skin, at the way her face tilts towards her, at the starched sheets and the white and paleness of it all. She drinks on it until she feels that there is nothing else to gorge with only to realize there is. There always will be more.

They had had their time, hadn’t they? But not enough, not close to it, and she rages once more as she keeps on eyeing Emma, at the question that still floats between them with Henry still muttering on the phone and Snow’s voice a high-pitched scream that speaks of quick movements and clothes thrown over bodies still tired and sluggish due to sleep.

Had she known it? She would then later be asked, and she would not be able to respond without giving away too much, far too much of a moment she felt unprepared to explain with words that would never reach between the gaps she would leave out of her answer.

She moves closer, her elbow protesting and snapping in place as she takes everything in, as she breaths, as she counts the beeps that come from some place at her back, echoing through corridors that she had always felt empty but now feel full.

Her lips taste different, the movement that come from them a reflex more than a reply, but she clings to them as she raises her free hand and caresses the other’s face, grateful for the clinking sound of her promise ring as hands are freed and the two rings touch. She wishes to be able to feel everything but there is only the sense of touch that is still on her as the kiss lengthens and so, as she moves, tears burning, she knows that she ought not to look because if so she will fall.

[Henry looked, Henry held her as she fell backwards, as quiet as possible, as burning as she felt. David and Snow arrived late, Emma’s magic gone, nothing lingering but the purple of Regina’s own color, now muted, darker, she cried while wishing for a razor blade to open her up, to reflect the pain in a way that felt proportional. But there was only vastness.

And a kiss. A promise.]

A goodbye

[rainbowsky]

Final round-up of fan fic asks

I've gotten a few more interesting responses to the fan fic discussion so I'm going to round them all up here. This will be my final post on the topic until/unless there's a dramatic new development, or a particularly notable response I want to highlight. Thanks to everyone who brought their thoughts and experiences to the topic. I hope everyone at least feels heard.

The biggest piece of advice that I would like to offer is for everyone to focus on what they love rather than what they hate. If we all did that, the world would be a better place. Alongside that, I'd like to remind everyone to please support authors whose work you like. It's so important. Give them a kudos, give them a nice comment, recommend their work to others. You never know what kind of grief and harassment they are dealing with to bring you these great stories, and our support means a lot.

This is in reference to previous posts here and here.

Anonymous asked:

With regard to fandom and fan fic issue, my years of experience being part of very large fandoms has led me to believe that big accounts are v important in facilitating and enforcing the general consensus of the whole fandom. Unless there will be big accs who'll remind everyone of being respectful & just not being a dick over other's preferences, nothing will change.

This is also the reason why I think certain solo fandoms have adapted weird and twisted narratives as their general fandom story because no big acc has tried to police them & and say hey pls be rational. Whether we like it or not, in a place where how far voices, ideas, tweets, posts get heard is based on the number of followers you have, big accs will have the power and influence in creating/curating/shifting the narratives.

So, if you want to know why your/our fandom thinks like this in general, look at what big accs are tweeting/posting, look at what ideas & values they follow, look at their preferences or how strongly they react to certain situations. it's taxing and toxic for big accs given the nature of social media these days, but it's also the reality of system, the more followers/audience you have, the more influence you will have.

So to anyone reading this I hope we all practice more restraint and reflection before we post anything. Remember that words, no matter what medium you write it in, will always carry weight.

So true. It is easy - even for myself who spends a fair chunk of time answering people's asks - to forget that people can sometimes be impressionable and what we say can influence people whether that's our intent or not. I get used to thinking of myself as a regular guy just doing my own thing when sometimes my thoughts and words go well beyond where I initially posted them.

I think it's important for us to be careful what we say, and it's equally important to be careful what we take from what other people say. Especially when it comes to big claims. Always get a second, third, fourth opinion and don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something doesn't sit right or sounds confusing.

It's also important to reflect on how our words and actions might affect other people's experience of fandom, and err on the side of 'live and let live' wherever possible. It's great to have our own preferences and to champion them, but we should try to do so in a way that leaves space for other people and perspectives.

The more unique perspectives and the more friendly, open dialog there is, the healthier the community will be as a whole.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging and guiding growth in the particular areas we are interested in, as long as it doesn't step on, oppress or attack those who are peacefully enjoying something different.

Anonymous 2 asked: bjyx fans attacking gdgdbaby for including zsww/lsfy dynamics in an event named bjyx then turning right around and attacking the zsww/lsfy event organizer for excluding bjyx? god, can you hear my facepalm and sigh of resignation and incredulity from over there? im genuinely not surprised that they're trying to drive an entire part of the fandom out by disgusting them (and me) with these immature tactics. i believe what im about to say next will sound quite bait-y and i respect your decision 1/?

should you choose not to post this. but i do know that it is not only me, in fact there are many out there, that is of this opinion. we just dont talk about it on twitter to avoid the potential mess it will bring lol. okay, here goes nothing. (do note that im talking about the majority here, not every single person is like this) so bjyx fans tend to be cishet females whereas zsww/lsfy fans are more diverse in terms of age and gender, and most of them are part of the queer community too 2/?

i would like to clarify that most of these zsww/lsfy fans are not dynamic exclusive (in the sense that they are friendly and interact with all ggdd fans) they just prefer to "identify" themselves as zsww/lsfy fans (on twitter specifically) just to form a distinction from bjyx fans who mostly are dynamic exclusive (as in; they do not consume non-bjyx content, and straightup refuse to interact with non-bjyx fans, often blocking them). as a result, id say that the zsww/lsfy communiy is way more 3/?

mature and respectful (after all, they're mostly queer people talking about a queer ship) whereas many problems in this fandom, such as the homophobia, adamantly insisting on "drawing lines" between dynamics, stem from the bjyx exclusive fans, comprised of cishet females who "may not know better". so, it is of no surprise to me that they're resorting to these immature tactics of calling gg unsavory names, and organizing retaliatory events with controversial topics in an attempt to "purify". 4/4

I trust that you have arrived at that theory through your own experience and observation. I haven't personally spent much time immersed in this stuff so I can't claim to have any real insight or expertise. If you say that's your experience of it, then at the very least that's how you've seen things up to this point.

I just want to say that I think we should always be careful about making assumptions about people's age, gender/gender identity, etc.

There are plenty of good reasons to avoid doing that; because those assumptions could be very wrong, because those assumptions are often laced with ageism, sexism, etc., because those assumptions - even when correct - might not be an accurate basis for the conclusions we draw.

But the primary reason I recommend avoiding those type of assumptions is because anything that enables us to clump a group of people together in our minds like that will tend to make them easier to demonize and dehumanize. They are no longer individuals who are each responsible for their own unique perspectives, they are now 'the X group' who is known for 'A B C series of easily attackable ideas or behaviors'.

If we attribute undesirable traits and behaviors to a group of people we feel opposed to in some way, that makes us feel more righteous and justified in behaving unfairly toward them, dismissing their humanity and warring with them. It's just risky behavior to engage in, even when it's well-intentioned.

There might actually be some truth to what you're saying. It could very well be that most of these people are young, inexperienced, heteronormative, etc. but if that's the case then we should try to use those traits to better understand and empathize rather than to better dismiss and discredit.

Just my two cents on that.

It can be really frustrating dealing with what feels like other people attacking us, trying to oppress us, etc. - especially when there are more of them than there are of us. In my experience the best solutions to that sort of problem are generally the ones that focus on what we are doing and want to do rather than what they are doing that we don't want them to do.

As I am always preaching, we can't control what other people say, do or think. The only thing we have any control over is what we say, do and think (and how we respond to what they say, do and think).

I have found in my experience that the moment I step out of a conflict mindset and instead step into a problem-solving mindset, everything starts to come together. I feel better, my outlook is more positive, I can begin to see solutions and allies rather than problems and enemies, and most of all, I become more focused on what I am doing than what others are doing.

So I would recommend everyone who is invested in resolving these conflicts focus on that. "How can we best showcase and encourage the types of stories we enjoy?" instead of "How can we stop these other people from doing things we dislike?"

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello again! It’s anon #3 from the fanfic post. I really do appreciate reading your thoughts on various issues like this, so thank you for always taking time to write in depth. As for supporting without going to war, the simplest way has always been to just show appreciation for the creators, hype them up. Kudos are the easiest way on ao3 but comments in addition are great. This goes for all content—art, fics, vids..etc. Creators love to see and read how people react to their content. Sharing is also great, fic recs are very helpful, just be cautious with art and reposting though. Hope this helps a bit!

Thanks so much, Anon. I think this is excellent advice. And it's true that appreciation is great, but helping to expand the audience is also great. Recommending stories, pointing people to the pages/websites of artists we like (as opposed to reposting), sharing our own ideas and approaches, encouraging people to try new things... all of this helps build healthier communities.

And here's another one: WRITE! DRAW! CREATE!

I urge anyone with creative interests or talents to bring their voices to the community because we all can benefit from hearing from you.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts on this issue. I hope that over time we can all work in positive ways to improve the situation.

I think this subject has been well-covered now so I'm going to retire it for the time being. If anyone still feels they want to discuss it further please feel free to message me privately. Thanks.

[madeofsplinters]

for the symbols ask, would you mind all of them that you havent yet done for vader? you have very good opinions on him and i would like to hear them

Aw, thank you! Although man that is A LOT of Vader headcanons left to do :D But I like writing random stuff about him, soooo... Sad:

Vader still remembers all the Jedi younglings' names.

Angry/Violent:

I mean, what in Darth Vader's life *isn't* angry/violent? Lol. The particular way that he uses the Dark Side produces a really fucked up feedback loop: he's angry and in various forms of pain all the time, which produces an energy he can channel into violence, which produces self-hate and further pain, which produces more energy. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lot of Palpatine's work with Vader is simply about managing this loop and adjusting as necessary. Giving him enough outlets for his rage that he doesn't just combust where he stands and start breaking things he isn't supposed to; tormenting him enough, and giving him the tools to self-torment, so that it never quite subsides into peace.

This isn't the only way of using the Dark Side, but it's a common one for Sith warriors; both Maul and Kylo Ren use something similar.

Sex:

Disabled people can, too have sex - it just takes a little more creativity. Vader has plenty of creativity, as well as magic super powers. If he doesn't indulge in such things - which, honestly, in canon he probably doesn't - then it's due to psychological factors: a conservative upbringing and ascetic lifestyle, unresolved grief for his wife, self-hate, depression, not wanting to let anyone in that close, etc.

Anyways if I see one more "BuT hIs DiCk DoEsN't WoRk" post here on Tumblr dot com, as if that body part is all that sex boils down to, I may actually scream.

Living Quarters:

When he's meditating in his stupid lava fortress, Vader senses the Dark Side nexus underneath him as if it's a living being, a kind of elemental lava spirit. Sometimes he talks to it in his head. (Is it "really talking" back to him? Is he just carrying out a strange symbolic drama in his own head? Don't ask - if you don't intuitively understand how a spiritual experience can be both these things at once, then you're not on Darth Vader's level.)

His favorite thing about the lava river is that it isn't Palpatine. Vader of all people knows how destructive lava is, but lava is direct and straightforward. It doesn't lie to him. It doesn't play games on purpose just to jerk him around. It just flows on and burns what's in its path, and there are days when Vader finds that both relatable and soothing.

Romantic:

Vader has a weakness for partners who are older than him, brave, smart, outwardly stable (the insides may vary), have a cute accent and strong negotiation and leadership skills, feed him attention in measured amounts, and are convinced they know better than him about everything. Padmé and Tarkin (and Obi-Wan, for that matter) all fit this type...

Friendship:

I mean, Vader doesn't really have friends, though. He is capable of forming really intense attachments to a few specific people, and tolerating others because of their competence, but anything in between those ends of the spectrum? Doesn't really compute. Vader does not chill or hang out or make pleasant conversation, not a lot of room for friends here.

Even as Anakin, he was a little like this. It was harder to tell, because his social circle was a lot bigger then - there were way more people in the "would die for them" circle, and way more who he went out of his way to be nice to, even if they weren't exactly close. But all of these social relationships involve some kind of power relation. Anakin has masters and fellow generals and an apprentice; he has favorite loyal troops and a favorite droid; he has a Supreme Chancellor who is being very nice to him for some reason. These are all people he works with, or who want something from him; he doesn't really have anyone he hangs out with just for the sake of hanging out with them. Padmé is the closest he gets to that, and even with her, he’s acting out a romantic role in the way that he thinks is expected of him so that he’ll deserve her love. (And doing a bad job of it, because Anakin is awkward, but never mind.)

Anakin has a huge heart and many attachments, don't get me wrong. But I don't think he's ever fully grasped the idea of a social connection that doesn't revolve around one of the people involved being useful to the other.

Quirks/Hobbies:

(I already did a “workshop/tinkering” one, so here’s a “flying” one...)

Vader's special experimental prototype TIE fighter is in constant need of repairs because of how recklessly he flies. It's not even that he crashes into things - it's just wear and tear because you're not actually supposed to yank the throttle that hard every damn time you turn the ship, Lord Vader, seriously how are you not passing out from those g-forces.

Vader is genuinely confused why the techs keep complaining. Podracers are used to having to rebuild their entire pod after every race. By that standard, he's doing great.

Childhood:

Tiny little bb Anakin wasn't actually any angrier than normal, at least by the standards of traumatized child slaves. Like, he was about at par. There were plenty of angrier ones. You couldn't have looked at him, in comparison to the other child slaves doing similar jobs in Mos Espa, and said "oh yeah that one in particular is gonna have anger and attachment issues."

He did stand out from the other kids, though, on account of just being a weird little nerd. He built a whole droid and a racing pod by himself and his master didn't even make him do it! He keeps talking about how he's going to be a Jedi and fly all around the galaxy and save the planet and marry a queen, when everybody knows there are at least three good reasons why that's wrong. He thinks random customers who come into his shop are his new friends! Anakin is just... weird. Off in his own little world. The other local slave kids know not to be too mean to him because he will always help you out in a pinch, and he is really good with machines, but other than that, I dunno, would you wanna hang out with Mr. I’m Gonna Be A Special Jedi?

Shmi sees this dynamic happening, but there's not much she can do, except to give Anakin all the love and reassurance that she wishes he was getting from his peers.

Cooking/Food:

Idk the Wookieepedia says that Vader can eat nutrient paste out of a straw in his mask if he wants to, but he doesn't want to because it tastes awful. So my questions here are (a) considering everything else they have to do, how can the suit's recesses possibly fit enough nutrient paste inside them for Vader's needs, and (b) seriously we're how many years in the future and we can't even make a nutrient paste that tastes good? We haven't even hit on "bland"? For the Emperor's chief enforcer, whose personal care budget is virtually unlimited? Yeah no, I'm calling canon error on this one. He can't eat, or it's too much trouble to get food into him with the other life support, so he's tube-fed. That's my headcanon.

Appearance:

Vader is very muscular. (This isn't really a "head"canon? He's literally played by a bodybuilder? But some fans disagree, so, eh.) He was already tall and strong when he was Anakin, but the suit adds height and it adds a LOT of extra weight that he has to be able to carry around with him literally every time he moves.

His recovery process after Revenge of the Sith involved having to learn how to move again, with new prosthetic limbs and horrifying new chronic injuries, basically from the ground up, and having to do it well enough that he could sword-fight Jedi Masters to the death, and he had to put on a ton of muscle in order to do that.

Palpatine was very strict in the nutrition and exercise regimes he imposed for this purpose. I have a sneaking suspicion that steroids were also involved.

[hopevalley]

@kvanbooven said:  I wholeheartedly agree with the Rosemary line and thought it was weird when I watched it live. Idk if they were going for it to be a normal response and think people would think it was normal or if they were going for a bad response just so they could start a fight, but like Rosemary as Elizabeth’s best friend, would never say that to her. That makes her look so bad and not caring. I maybe could understand it if it was true what she said (like the rest of the convo of it not being Nathan’s fault) but it wasn’t true. Even if it was supposed to be a bad thing to saying on purpose in makes Rosemary and Nathan look like they don’t care about what Jack meant to her idk. 

You know I always look forward to your thoughts!! Thanks for stopping by again. ♥

I think they wanted Rosemary’s reply to Elizabeth to be a “bad” response for the purpose of it causing drama/turmoil, but the thing about bad responses is...it still has to feel like a natural response someone might have to the conversation that’s taking place, and unfortunately Rosemary’s reply didn’t feel like that, at least not for me. 

I can only guess, but I imagine what they wanted to do was give us an episode where Elizabeth is struggling so hard with everything she’s feeling that she doesn’t really know how to talk about it. If this was a novel it would be easy to write out all those feelings to make her reaction to people feel more natural, but I think the writers are really struggling with how to convey this exact type of struggle in a way that both makes sense for the audience and works for the characters.

I talked before about Elizabeth being a sort of selfish “everything’s about me” kind of person and she does that several times within this episode, so I feel Elizabeth is largely in character here. She turns Rosemary’s conversation about Ned and Florence into a discussion about her, for example.

The problem is Rosemary, and it’s not the character. She can be a bit stupid sometimes (she used to jump to conclusions a lot back in the old days, though mostly for humorous reasons) but her logic always tracked. In this episode we have two responses from Rosemary that don’t feel quite right. The first is her “maybe he didn’t think it was important” and the second is “it’s not Nathan’s fault.”

I get what they were going for, though!

It’s not Nathan’s fault Jack died so Nathan didn’t feel the information was important enough to reveal. It would just be upsetting and offer little else.

The problem is...the fact that this information was clearly weighing on Nathan tells us all that he knew it would be a big deal (and therefore important) to Elizabeth.

Which makes it really hard to make the same logic-leap that Rosemary does. The only thing I can assume is that Rosemary has largely been left out of the Nathan side of things; she doesn’t really know him very well (as compared to Lucas) and is just giving it her best guess.

But still, Rosemary knew that Elizabeth felt he was keeping something from her, and if Elizabeth got those vibes from Nathan, then that should tell Rosemary that Nathan is aware it’s not ‘unimportant’ at all.

I’m just going to have to chalk it up to poor writing. There’s no other explanation that works for me.

---

@kvanbooven​ said: What you said about Nathan’s line too got me as well cuz I also felt the last line was out of place. It just don’t flow with the rest of the convo of him telling her why he kept the secret. When this scene was in the promo, I thought it was going to be a scene where Elizabeth was pulling away from him or she was past Lucas already and wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with Nathan or if she was telling him why she couldn’t be with him but could be with Lucas. Idk. Anything else that would have made more sense for that line to follow. I was also afraid of having Nathan coming to town to look after Jacks family, but because he never knew him, to me, it’s not that weird. I actually kinda like how he said I had to protect them rather than take care of them and that it was his duty. 

Yeah, I was expecting his final line about fighting for love to be put into a scene where his willingness to fight for it was called into question. Until this season he was the quieter, less openly emotional character, and I could see where he might feel he needs to be a little more earnest in expressing his intentions—kind of like what we got right out of the gate with his love confession.

I’m not bothered by Nathan’s situation in regards to Jack, either. Both because he didn’t know Jack (as you mentioned) but also because he was very well aware of how odd the situation ended up becoming. He didn’t come to Hope Valley expecting to fall in love with Elizabeth. He didn’t know anything about her when he arrived!

It would be creepy if he’d known Jack well beforehand, or if Jack asked him to look after Elizabeth, but him feeling that he had a hand in Jack’s death (that he was the indirect cause of it in this case) makes the choice...more understandable. All he knew was that Jack had a family, and that nobody would be returning to the post there. So he took it upon himself to do what he thought was the right thing to do: go to Hope Valley and make sure the people Jack cared about were safe and cared for.

I agree with Rosemary that it’s a noble act. It’s not selfless, but it’s noble. I think they handled that aspect of the story extremely well. I was afraid of it happening because I was afraid of how it would be presented, but...they surprised me!

---

@kvanbooven​ said: I will say in the handholding game I got major secondhand embarrassment and almost couldn’t fully watch the scene lol. Elizabeth’s look at rosemary right before fiona puts in the blindfold is absolute Terror. IM DYING ABOUT THE SPARKLY PEN THING. AND ABOUT THE DOCK THING. Haha cuz yes that was frank and Abigail spot and I loved them. 

My husband and I were both shouting during the handholding game! It was just so awkward!! I would have thought it was pretty funny if we saw a bunch of people from town playing it, too, but having it be Florence and then immediately Elizabeth kind of took some of the fun out of it. I’d rather have had a gentler fall from “Cute and Fun” to “Secondhand Embarrassment City.”

I’m glad you enjoyed the other things, too, lol. ;)

@kvanbooven​ said: For the mine disaster, I don’t really remember what happened off the top of my head and if they ever actually really solved it. I think what Henry could know is either specific people or the specific thing that went wrong. I really love your theory about the first mine disaster. Overall wasn’t a bad episode and Lucas is starting to see he might not have a chance I think. Hopefully he’s the one that confronts Elizabeth about it all and makes her face her feelings.

I’m not sure what’s left to solve about the mine. I mean, everyone knows Henry was involved and the company was sued for negligence and the widows won. We got the name of the person who told Henry to shut up from S6: a Mr. J. Smith.

March 27, 1910 1231 Front Street San Francisco, CA 1819383

Re: Noah Stanton

Dear Henry,

After careful review, we feel your concerns regarding any safety issues are unwarranted. 

Please consider this matter closed.

Best,

J. Smith Manager - North West Territory Pacific Northern Mining Company

The only resolution that never occurred were prison sentences for the guilty parties in question, so...maybe Henry has more names, or is willing to tell Bill the entire sequence of events that took place (rather than him having to piece together what he knows occurred). 

I also think it was a pretty decent episode and I can see Lucas losing hope each and every scene he gets with Elizabeth. The poor guy. I agree that it would be nice if he was the one who prompted her to face her feelings and work through that last bit of grief she’s struggling with. It’s the only way I feel like I’d be satisfied with her choosing Nathan, now. 

(They’re still on thin ice, though. If Nathan does anything else stupid or thoughtless I can’t imagine many people will still be rooting for him.)

[ironxkid]

concept of home and family.

verbal or non - verbal communication.

something that gives your muse hope.

how your muse responds to being helped / taken care of.

how your muse responds to unconditional love.

* character headcanons

concept of home and family.

for Carter, home is always at least one person. She finds home in people rather than places, and... for good reason. Although she doesn’t remember it, at all, she stopped seeing home as a place ever since her mother left her with her father. She was too young to understand what was happening and, again, she doesn’t remember it at all, but it’s something that still lingers in the back of her mind. It also doesn’t help her childhood home, the mansion in Malibu, was.... obliterated, since that robbed whatever sense she had left of home being a place. She’ll call a place home, such as saying “I’ll be home soon” when referring to returning to the compound, but... it’s not. Not really, anyway. It’s a place where she lives, but there’s no true emotional connection to it

but... Carter’s very much so a people-person, even if it doesn’t always seem that way. She needs human interaction, needs that contact in her life, and when she’s close to someone, she finds them to be home, no matter where they be. So, for example, her father is her home - she adores him, plus with her codependency on him, she finds her home to be wherever he is. Whether it be at the Malibu mansion, the Avengers Tower, or the compound. This feeling is particularly strong when it comes to romantic partners, so wherever her partner may be, ther’s where her home is, too

as for family, family is... anyone she can trust. It doesn’t matter if they’re related to her biologically speaking or not - if she cares of them and they genuinely care for her as well, she may consider them family, given that they’re close enough. So, that’s why she considers the Avengers her family, and why she even considers her friends from uni to be family as well. Family doesn’t end with blood, and she’ll argue against that notion fiercely. Honestly, the quote of “family isn’t just blood, it’s who you’d die for” (or, however it actually goes dfsgjhdsf) is very much so her mindset 

verbal or non - verbal communication.

she honestly doesn’t have a strong preference for one over the other. Verbally, she finds certain things easier to express - for example, her saying she loves someone. It’s easier for her to say it, given she says it constantly when comfortable saying it aloud to someone (in any sense, btw - romantic/platonic/familial), but it absolutely bleeds through in actions as well. However, Carter also enjoys non-verbal communication, and it’s sometimes easier for her to communicate that way. She knows ASL, and is quite comfortable using it instead of speaking, and sometimes finds it easier to express certain things through actions vs words

and it is important to her that someone she’s close to is willing to allow her to communicate to them non-verbally. The three months her father was gone when she was a child, she had gone almost fully non-verbal, and even upon his return, she was slow to go back to being verbal. Of course, with how off her hearing it, some days are better in others in terms of auditory processing, and on bad days, she needs to be able to communicate non-verbally to save herself the grief of trying to understand things verbally. She’s also a more visual person to begin with (mainly for learning), as well as a more hands on type, so it’s easier for her to default to non-verbal

something that gives your muse hope.

you’d be hard-pressed for Carter to admit this, but... it’s little things in nature - like full forests regrowing after being ravaged by wildfire. She honestly finds it kinda silly, which is why she’d be hard-pressed to admit it, because she doesn’t want someone to think of her as childish or stupid. But... seeing how things can still survive after going through such devastation gives her hope for herself, really, and it’s honestly something she learned from therapy! Because, for a good while, she didn’t believe she could survive all the different trauma she had gone through

how your muse responds to being helped / taken care of.

she’s stubborn as all hell, so depending on who’s helping her with what, she may try to insist that she’s fine and can take care of it herself. How she goes about doing so definitely depends on who it is - if it’s someone she’s not close to or doesn’t particularly like, she’s gonna be a tad aggressive, more or less and for a lack of a better word, in the way she tells them she doesn’t need help. She won’t be rude, necessarily, but definitely quick to try and push them away. Now, if it’s someone she’s close to (such as Katrina or Tony, for example), she’ll still try to insist that she’s fine, but she’ll be less persistent and more assuring that she’s okay but she does appreciate their help! Depending on what they’re helping her with, she may cave and accept it or continue to try and tell them she’s fine, but overall, it’s honestly a little awkward for her to accept help when she didn’t ask lol - she prefers doing things herself, because of her own mentality of needing to be the one to solve her own problems, and... doesn’t really know how to accept help tbh

now, if she asks for help, it’s different. She’ll only ask someone she’s close to, such as a friend or family member, and she won’t try to chase them away because she, y’know, asked. She’ll be grateful nonetheless, and definitely insistent that they absolutely don’t need to help if they don’t want to, and overall tries not to make them feel pressured or obligated 

her being taken care of is, mmm. Interesting dsfgjhsfd - again, going back to her mentality of needing to do things alone (like father like daughter), it’s hard for her to accept that help. She tries pushing herself to get whatever it is done that needs to be done, even if she’s not necessarily in a good position to be doing so (whether it be to poor mental health, or being sick or injured), and honestly feels kinda awkward being taken care of in general. Depending on why she’s being taken care of, she might be... pretty annoying tbh - if she’s sick with something minor like a cold, she’s gonna be a pain in the ass to actually get her to take care of herself, but if it’s something pretty serious (say, her in the not today verse, where she survives causing the second snap at the end of eg), she’s going to take all the help she can get. She’s miserable, she’s scared, and honestly needs that sort of support

how your muse responds to unconditional love.

so, Carter herself loves unconditionally - whether in a romantic, platonic, or familial sense. It... may not always come across as such? but that’s just who she is - she loves so much and so deeply, which is why I’ve said her fatal flaw is easily her devotion/loyalty to others

now, for when she’s loved unconditionally? It’s... honestly a hard pill for her to swallow. She wants that - she really does. She wants to be loved fully and unconditionally, so have her love for others returned, but there’s a part of her that’s almost scared of it. Carter’s got insecurities issues out the wazoo, she holds herself to a far higher standard than she does other people, and overall just... doesn’t really believe herself to be worth that sort of love, tbh. At first, she’ll more or less cower from it - she’ll get nervous and try to distance herself from that affection while trying not to chase the other person away, but, over time, as she gets used to it, it’s easier for her to accept. She still has days where she struggles to understand that someone can love her unconditionally, and where her insecurities can cause her headspace to sour, but unconditional love is something she can learn to accept. Perhaps not without question, but accept that, yes, she can be shown the same love she gives others

this absolutely isn’t just specific with romantic relationships. Carter has days where she questions if she’s a good enough friend, or if her friends are simply tolerating her - days where she wonders if they’d be better off without her. And the same bleeds over into familial relationships. She feels like she’s not a good enough daughter, feels she’s not doing enough to even come close to upholding the legacy of not only her father and grandfather, but of her mother and Peggy Carter as well. Again, she holds herself to a way higher expectation than she does others, and it tends to fuck her over in the long run

but, on the days where her mental health is better, and when she understands that someone’s love for her is indeed unconditional and not half-felt or forced, she honestly thrives in it. Depending on the type of love, she may be embarrassed or flustered fairly easily by praise, but overall, she really does thrive

[phthalology]

@sporkkee​ At the bottom, the same reasoning behind any ship, I suppose. Eris and Toland feel comfortable to me, and have a multifaceted dynamic, and are aesthetically pleasant to look at or read about. Both characters remind me of myself in different ways, and help me explore ideas. At some point some inexplicable hormonal part of my brain decided all that would be enhanced if they kissed. The ship has no moral or objective superiority over any other; it's the one that makes me feel good ! 

That said, here's an essay about canon interactions, themes, and five years of headcanon to answer your question. It's also all in the tag already, if for some reason you want more.

First, it just checks all my boxes: "long-suffering, facially scarred warrior-resesrcher who *used* to be immortal" x "mysterious and ghostly professor type who mostly talks through aloof letters and yet occasionally vows passionate affection" is delicious and made for me to project onto.

Second, here are some canon bits that got the wheels turning.  The Emerald Light bond, acquired from Eris in The Dark Below, has the flavor text “They'll believe you are one of their own. And that is the only way." - Toland, the Shattered”. So, this lead me to believe that Toland gave Eris a Warlock bond for protection. Toland expected Eriana’s fireteam to defeat Crota, but gave Eris extra help.  After he’s unmade by Ir Yut, he misses Eris, saying “ Sometimes I wonder what became of Eris. She was very tenacious. For the first time I am lonely.” He refers to her as “dearest” and waxes poetic about the meaning of her name. For her part, she says she kept his journal when she was in the Pit, and drew both knowledge and comfort from having it. In Shadowkeep, she says she misses him (but it’s complicated): “I should not miss Toland. His ruthless pursuit of knowledge led to his downfall. He is not even gone. His spirit lingers, buoyed by the Ascendant Plane. And yet… a fireteam's bonds are not so easily undone.”  After the disastrous Crota mission, they were, as far as they knew at the time, the only surviving members of their team. I think this would have brought them together. Also, they work together to make both Touch of Malice (iirc?) and Deathbringer. 

One of my favorite canon interactions is relatively new. This Shadowkeep narrative preview features him cautioning her not to work too hard or delve too deep, with the same sense of care and concern ikora also feels for Eris. Eris doesn’t believe he’s real at first, because Savathun has been plaguing her with visions of her old fireteam. But once she’s sure, she opens up to him about her fears and “he piques my interest.” 

Third, here are the themes I've glued onto them, and how those have changed over the years. Often, my favorite ships are between two characters who are passionately, fervently interested in the same ideas from different angles. It forces them to blur the line between their own self-interest and their attraction, which creates this fun push and pull. It reads as very true to the kind of negotiations in real relationships to me -- but also, specifically and intentionally, to relationships which don't actually work out. Parasocial “relationships” between people who mistake obsession for love. Eris/Toland is often unhealthy and fraught. Regret and power dynamics make the ship feel like a tragic missed connection even if they're holding each other, and that's a topic I'm aesthetically and emotionally interested in. Every ship shouldn't be that way, but the unique texture of the way I write this one is that it feels like it should have been meant for happier times and never saw them, or is constantly on the verge of almost starting even when it's long-established. It gains energy and creates story hooks from that.

I often want Eris/Toland to be a ship about two people who never stopped grieving. To Eris, Toland represents her whole firearm, the friendships she lost, and the grief that never quite healed. To Toland, Eris represents as close as a human being can get to being the the entire Hive (which symbolize meritocracy/ambition or might makes right, and which he sees as the winning team that will prevent him from dying. Also, he kinda was infatuated with Ir Yut once.) They don't see each other even when their eyes lock. They're both projecting furiously, and they know it.

However, parts of Shoot the Moon, the novel-length fic, are actually an intentional push back against those core concepts of mutual grief and a missed opportunity. In STM, I finally had a story long enough that I could establish that base dynamic and then have them talk about it and move on to a healthier dynamic. They do see each other in this story. They have the choice to wallow in their obsessions or walk forward with the reality of each other, and choose the latter.

Because I do think it *could* be a comforting, loyal partnership, eventually. They're both smart people with similar histories who look out for each other. By knowing the depths of Toland's flightiness, Eris knows exactly what vows he won't break. By knowing what Eris has refused, Toland knows exactly the lengths she’ll go to keep herself safe. So there are a bunch of different aspects to it -- obsessiveness, comfort, shared history, even the actual plot of Destiny occasionally lol -- that keep it fresh. 

[nickborisov]

NIKOLAI BORISOV | THE ICARUS 

“IT WAS A PLEASURE TO BURN.” -RAY BRADBURY 

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: nikolai borisov

MEANING:

nikolai ( slavic ) - victory of the people

borsiov ( russian ) - of boris

NICKNAME(S): nik, kolya, firebug, nikashka, pup (only by his father)

PREFERRED NAME(S): nikolai, nik

BIRTH DATE: august 9th, 1990

AGE: 30

ZODIAC: leo

GENDER: male

PRONOUNS: he / his

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: panromantic

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: pansexual

NATIONALITY: russian

ETHNICITY: russian

CURRENT LOCATION: verona, italy

LIVING CONDITIONS: nikolai is used to moving around, so he doesn’t put much stock in where exactly he lives. his apartment is out of the way of most of the city’s main thoroughfare, near several abandoned warehouses so that he can work and create without drawing a lot of attention. it’s nicer than he would normally find for himself, because he’s been in verona longer than he’s ever been anywhere else--it has a balcony, a spare room for a makeshift workshop, and a nice kitchen.

TITLE(S): the icarus, nick bottom, fireman, that russian arsonist, that crazy bastard

BACKGROUND

BIRTHPLACE / HOMETOWN: murmansk, russia

SOCIAL CLASS: nik grew up with a single father, so he was always lower middle class. when he initially started traveling he often found himself living meal to meal, but then he discovered that people were willing to pay a lot of money for his specific set of skills. he has more money than he really knows what to do with, he just chooses not to use it most of the time--he doesn’t care about advancing his social standing or buying himself nice things.

EDUCATION LEVEL: dropped out of high school.

FATHER: andrei borisov

MOTHER: marya morozov

SIBLING(S): none as far as he knows. he doesn’t have a relationship with his mother--she could have more children he doesn’t know about.

CHILDREN: none

PET(S): none--but he makes an effort to feed any stray that he might come across, give them a pet and a smile.

OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: nik never really met the rest of his family--they all moved away from murmansk at some point, and nik and his father could rarely afford to travel that far. occasionally he might get a call from an aunt or an uncle on a holiday, but those were pretty few and far between. his mother wanted nothing to do with him, so he knows nothing about her side of the family.

PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:

edward little : a university student with an interest in studying the arctic. they were together for a little over a year when ed got a grant to study in norway, and nik just decided to move on.

zaid khadem : a poet that nik met in cairo. they were together for a couple of months before nik moved on again.

anna fallon : a singer / songwriter from new york city. they lived together for nearly three years before her career and nik’s restless nature drew them in separate directions.

ARRESTS?: too many to count--especially when he was just starting out.

PRISON TIME?: at this point in his life, nik is pretty good at avoiding real jail time.

OCCUPATION + HOME

PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME: arson and designing explosive devices for the montagues and the capulets, or anyone who can afford to hire him.

SECONDARY SOURCE OF INCOME: n/a

CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: absolutely, it’s the only thing he’s really ever been good at, and its the only thing he’s ever really understood with any clarity. fire makes sense to him, fire brings him comfort--if he wasn’t lighting fires he thinks that the ice he was born into would wear away at his bones, and his life would lack any purpose.

PAST JOB(S): nik has only ever lit fires and orchestrated explosions professionally--before that he relied on stealing to stay alive.

SPENDING HABITS: there was no extra money when he was growing up, and now that he’s making an absurd amount of money he doesn’t really like spending it, or know what to spend it on. he gets what he needs to survive, maybe an occasional gift for the people that he cares about, and that’s really it. he refuses to become like the upper class he’s seen in verona--and he doesn’t think they would accept him, even if he did decide to start spending his money and clean up his image.

MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: his first lighter, which he lifted from his father. he doesn’t use it anymore, but it reminds him of where he came from, all of the reasons that he won’t go back.

SKILLS + ABILITIES

PHYSICAL STRENGTH: 5/10? pretty average--he’s tall and thin but his frame has some muscle to it. arson doesn’t require a whole lot of physical strength, but he enjoys boxing as a way to burn off excess energy, and he lived on the streets for a long time which taught him that he needed to be able to protect himself at a moment’s notice.

OFFENSE: 6/10. fighting was pretty much the only thing to do to waste time when he was growing up, and he likes to box in his spare time.

DEFENSE: 8/10. traveling and living on the streets of various countries taught him to defend what he has, by any means necessary.

SPEED: 7/10. running is the action he engages in most often--running from explosions or infernos, from the police--he has to be fast in order to keep himself alive and out of jail.

INTELLIGENCE: impossible to really define? he’s not book smart by any stretch of the imagination, he knows a lot about survival and he’s got a natural ability with languages. he also has the ability to construct complicated explosive devices and can determine the best way to light up any kind of building. he just isn’t quite like everyone else and his mind doesn’t work like everyone else’s mind works--but that doesn’t mean that he lacks intelligence.

ACCURACY: 4/10. he’s only shot a gun a couple of times, and he doesn’t really possess the patience to make himself a better marksman.

AGILITY: 8/10. also nessecary for getting out of the way of his creations and those who would oppose them.

STAMINA: 7/10. he’s not out of shape, but he does repeatedly inhale smoke which means his lungs work at diminished capacity.

TEAMWORK: 3/10. there are few people who can interpret him, and he would rather not have to explain himself. he deals with a client in the most bare-bones way possible, and then does the work himself.

TALENTS: he’s a decent boxer, and he’s naturally adept at languages. he also, obviously, has a talent for setting fires in a variety of settings, and designing explosive devices. he knows something about forging metal as well from being in his father’s workshop, but he’s never actually used those skills.

SHORTCOMINGS: he has a tendency to run before he really gets invested in things, he prefers chaos to order and planning, and he doesn’t generally allow himself to be understood by other people.

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: russian, english, italian, a little bit of arabic, a little bit of spanish, and a little bit of french.

DRIVE?: yes

JUMP-START A CAR?: yes

CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: yes

RIDE A BICYCLE?: no

SWIM?: yes

PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: no.

PLAY CHESS?: no.

BRAID HAIR?: no.

TIE A TIE?: no--he hates wearing them and will avoid it at all costs.

PICK A LOCK?: yes

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE + CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: boyd holbrook

EYE COLOR: blue / grey

HAIR COLOR: dirty blonde

HAIR TYPE/STYLE: on the longer side and unkempt--he could give a damn about taking care of it, and he’ll shove it under a beanie or some other kind of hat 9 times out of 10.

GLASSES/CONTACTS?: none.

DOMINANT HAND: left

HEIGHT: 6′2

WEIGHT: 160

BUILD: tall and wiry--any muscle he has is very lean.

EXERCISE HABITS: boxing, running as part of his job.

SKIN TONE: the sun was a luxury where he grew up, so he tends to be pretty pale.

TATTOOS: a match and a lighter on his chest, his father’s initials in cyrillic on the inside of his wrist, an illustrated molotov on his calf from a drunken dare. he wants more--for the people he’s come to care about during his time in verona.

PIERCINGS: none.

MARKS/SCARS: he’s got burn scars of varying degrees all along his hands and arms.

NOTABLE FEATURES: cheekbones, his expressive mouth and eyes, the constant smell of kerosene and smoke.

USUAL EXPRESSION: grinning wolfishly.

CLOTHING STYLE: clothes that should have been thrown out years ago, leather jackets, flannel shirts, jeans with holes in the knees and stains that are practically archaic, doc martens, converse with holes in them, sweaters burned at the sleeves. he doesn’t really care about how he looks--he’s all about what keeps him warm and what is practical. it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to him to spend money on expensive clothes when there’s a chance they’ll just go up in smoke.

JEWELRY: a pocketknife.

MAKEUP: none.

ALLERGIES: boredom, staying in one place too long.

DIET: too much alcohol, not enough vegetables, whatever brielle will take pity on him and make for him.

PHYSICAL AILMENTS: none.

PSYCHOLOGY

JUNG TYPE: ESTP

ENNEAGRAM TYPE: type seven, the enthusiast--the busy, variety seeking type. spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, scattered.

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic neutral

TEMPERAMENT: sanguine

ELEMENT: fire (lol)

PRIMARY INTELLIGENCE TYPE: bodily-kinesthetic intelligence.

APPROXIMATE IQ: pretty average, but again--his type of intelligence is difficult to measure.

MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: nothing diagnosed, but he struggles with anxiety and can border on manic.

SOCIABILITY: there are very few people that nik has ever allowed to try and understand him, and make a place in his life. he’s on the move constantly, so it’s easier for him to just make temporary relationships that can be easily discarded and forgotten about. having a busy single father meant he was on his own most of his life, and he has come to prefer that to prolonged contact with people.

EMOTIONAL STABILITY: it takes a lot to get underneath his veneer of chaotic energy--but he does tend to feel things deeply, when he allows people and emotions to get past it. he generally believes that if he doesn’t think about complicated emotions, about pain and grief and things of that nature, if he keeps himself busy and laughing, then they won’t affect him.

OBSESSION(S): fire, explosions, having a good time, traveling.

COMPULSION(S): to run away before feelings get involved, to laugh loudly when there’s silence, to call attention to the darker and more uglier sides of society by burning down the beautiful things.

PHOBIA(S): he isn’t really afraid of anything--abandonment, maybe, if he allows himself to think about how he came into the world, and the fact that his mother very clearly didn’t want anything to do with him.

ADDICTION(S): he’s an adrenaline junkie, he’s addicted to anything that gives him a rush.

DRUG USE: he’s willing to test any of theo’s creations, but that’s about the extent of it.

ALCOHOL USE: one of his primary coping mechanisms. he’s a vodka man in terms of drink and in terms of accelerants. as long as it’s strong enough to strip paint, and it burns on the way down.

PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: not if he can really help it--but he’s not exactly adverse to it either. he mostly has to see a good reason for it.

MANNERISMS

SPEECH STYLE: fast, barely understood at times, a mixture of russian, Italian, and whatever else he feels expresses his feelings.

ACCENT: russian

QUIRKS: mixing his languages, sometimes he’ll forget words, or make the mistakes common to someone speaking a second or third language. he talks to himself a lot, under his breath. he flicks his lighter open and closed in his pocket when he’s anxious, and he always carries it with him. his whole life is pretty quirky.

HOBBIES: boxing, he’s learning to enjoy reading more, bothering theo in their lab or at their place, wandering the city. he generally doesn’t have a lot of time for hobbies, but since he’s been in verona longer than he has anywhere else, he’s working on developing more.

NERVOUS TICKS: dragging a hand through his hair, flicking his lighter open and closed, licking over the points of his canines.

DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: to see every corner of the world, to watch it burn behind him. he generally is motivated by a desire to unsettle the dust, to spark something incredible. like an inventor or a scientist--he wants to create.

FEARS: abandonment, other than that he prides himself on not being scared of anything.

POSITIVE TRAITS: creative, resourceful, fun-loving.

NEGATIVE TRAITS: cynical, stubborn, flighty

SENSE OF HUMOR: all over the place--dad jokes, puns, sarcasm, anything that will make himself laugh primarily.

DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: all the time, and in several different languages. his favorite is his mother tongue, the ones he learned first.

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: bothering theo and lighting fires.

ANIMAL: any kind of dog.

BEVERAGE: vodka.

BOOK: fahrenheit 451, treasure island, the count of monte cristo

COLOR: red

DESIGNER: he doesn’t have one.

FOOD: solyanka and whatever brielle makes for him.

FLOWER: dahlia

GEM: ruby

HOLIDAY: halloween, new year’s eve

MOVIE: all three Indiana jones movies, treasure planet, rebel without a cause

QUOTE/SAYING:

“oh i don't mean you’re handsome, not in the way people think of handsome. your face seems kind. but your eyes--they’re beautiful. they’re wild, crazy, like some animal peering out of a forest on fire.”

-charles bukowski

SCENT: kerosene and smoke

SPORT: boxing

TELEVISION SHOW: man vs. wild, drunk history, black sails

WEATHER: anything warm--he had enough cold growing up.

VACATION DESTINATION: the mountains of nepal.

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: get out of verona, hopefully with the person he loves by his side. MOST AT EASE WHEN: he’s most at ease when he’s working, or when he’s with brielle or theo. LEAST AT EASE WHEN: he’s forced to interact with any of verona’s “upper class”, people who look at him as nothing better than a stray dog. WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAPPEN: theo getting bored of him and keeping him out of their life for good, having nowhere else to go but back to murmansk, having no choice but to join one of the mobs. BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: leaving murmansk, learning to make a living doing what he loves. BIGGEST REGRET:  not having a better relationship with his father, allowing himself to get wrapped up in the war in verona. TOP PRIORITIES: keeping theo alive, staying neutral.

[wexhappyxfew]

It might shock you my friend but I am for once not here for Ryzshard content 😮 I’d like to here more about Natia if that’s okay! You said she’s cold (if I’m remembering correctly?) so maybe you could elaborate on how she feels emotion? ♥️♥️🌻🌻

AHAHA ITS ALL GOOD! i just made a whole other post on him for jamie actually LOL :) BUT YES MAAM I’D LOVE TO TALK ABOUT NATIA! she truly is unlike any oc i’ve written before and i’m very excited for people to see a character like hers. 

So, this is Natia Filipski or Agent Fidel (yes omg in my last post that should’ve been fidel not fedel BUT LOL) and she is a member of the SOE, the Cichociemni ( a Polish Paratrooper regiment), as well as a member of the Polish Resistance since September 15th, 1939. And emotion is something that will be very important to her character, specifically the numbing of herself to feeling any emotion!

All the 3 Filipski Siblings, all have one thing in common - they are all so ungodly reckless, and welcome Death with open arms on most days, but the thing that makes Natia HIGHLY different from her siblings is the fact that she grew highly numb to the war going on around her. A course of events eventually lead up to it, but from then on, she pushed herself into numbness because she grew tired of simply feeling so much pain, so much grief, anger, sadness. She figured growing numb to feeling and emotion was better than feeling anything at all. And for her case, in the war it helps her, because she gets the job down, without feeling an ounce of sympathy for what she has to do - highly different from my other OCs, I’ve created. 

Now remember, when we enter Natia’s story, she has been in this war for 5 YEARS of her life, fighting and fighting each day, not knowing if she’ll live tomorrow. And eventually after a while, that gets very old, and numbing herself was easiest for her, to deal with it all. 

And that’s something I wanted to focus on. All my other OC’s, we see their first day of war, their first battle, their first day of fighting, like Hazel or Charlotte. For Natia, her story we enter strictly in the middle of it all and I do that for a reason. Because the Polish were involved in the war since Day One and I truly, really try to show that about Natia, that by numbing herself, she is forcing herself to not feel an ounce of emotions and to strictly feel nothing - it’s what is best for her. Of course, if you stay numb for too long you wither off, but the word numb is a key word for Natia specifically because it feels like the only thing she has going for herself. She thinks if she continues to stay numb she can get out of the war unscathed, but that’s not the brutal truth of the situation. 

Like I’ve said about Ryzshard and Klimeck, they are a reckless group, and being this reckless causes many near death experiences. And these near death experiences were what kept pushing Natia further and further down that landslide ( where the title of the story comes from, plus it’s my favorite fleetwood mac song!!). Natia compares her life many times to a landslide because she feels like she can’t escape it and reach the top again, she doesn’t feel like there’s any hope at all.

Can I just say that in Polish her name legitimately means HOPE? Her name is the enigma of hope and she refuses to have any for herself, which is the irony that I LIVE FOR with a character of her type!! 

Here’s a quote that truly represents that in every sense from her character: 

" I don't feel anything. I've had bullets graze my very flesh. I've had knives cause me to near death itself. But I haven't felt any bit of it. No. I no longer feel the tears that sometimes crawl down my cheeks. Those tears are not who I am. I can no longer feel any pain that hits my body. I refuse to let it affect my true duty." - Natia Filipski

So yeah, if anything she is not a happy character, remaining cold, distant, numb, emotionless, reckless, cocky, and ruthless in her ways. But she has to be, it it the only way she’s survived the war as long as she has, until a certain company begins to melt away that barrier, but I shall not dive deeper just yet :) 

THANK YOU ANGE!! i loved talking about my numb lil beeb, she’s gonna go through it this book, my heart aches for her :(( it’s just one bad thing after the other, especially when she learns she can’t go back to her home, but I shall not spoil any more LOL thank you so so much, and as always asks are always open!!