#it's been an emotional few days and I've had so much trouble processing and dealing with this

[mygirljunhee]

thank you, moonbin. rest in peace.

[philosophicalparadox]

Let's have fun with feelings!

Originally I was going to submit this for the 12 days of Casca event, but it just didn't seem to fit most of the prompts, and its really angsty, so eh 🤷

EDIT: it's been updated with what will probably be the final version of this scene, and the official title of the fic. I finally had enough chapters compiled to come up with a fitting title. :) I've also trimmed it down via line break so it's not wall-o-text on my poor followers feed. It's a few character-thought paragraphs longer though I must say.

Anyway, have a scene/chapter from the WIP I keep changing the name of - now officially called Never Sleep Alone. I've tossed around with a title for this for a while but that one's sticking for now. Sums up the theme pretty well. :p

Slightly NSFW; nothing too overtly sexy but there's a hurt/comfort-sex vibe and implications thereof.

Pairing: Griffith x Casca - Almost. :) Underpinnings of Griffith x Guts. Griffith is Confused with a capital C.

Context: this is a Griffith-stops-Guts-from-leaving fic, and this scene happens when Casca seeks Griffith out after events on the hill, before he can get into trouble with Charlotte...or anyone else, in theory. Buuuuut.....well. That's not quite how Griffith works, unfortunately.

NOTE: Braies are the medieval equivalent of underwear.

Enjoy!

Casca knew where he was headed; she didnt have to think as her feet studiously brought her before the Noble-quarters Griffith was staying in whilst in Wyndam on behalf of the king while his own manor received it's reconstruction. It was in a high-brow neighborhood of course, a light reddish tint to the White wash on Griffith's dwelling making it distinct from the other town-homes on either side of it.

Casca moved without much thought or consideration as she went through the motions of inviting herself inside. It had been a long, confusing, emotional evening, and if she was this strung out, she knew Griffith was at least twice as bad.

The housekeep were polite and understanding, though they seemed at once quite unsettled, though she could only guess at why. One of them, a swarthy, sun kissed old woman, did remark briefly that they had heard him "moving things about" upstairs, and that when he had let himself in earlier, he seemed very pensive and hadn't said a word to anyone. Casca wasn't sure she knew what they meant by "moving things around", but she wasn't sure of a lot of things right now, except that Griffith, despite successfully disarming Guts - and nearly taking his leg in the process - had to be hurting right now. In fact, she quite confidently knew he was struggling right now. How he was dealing with it, like so many things tonight, she was not sure of; but she recognised when her instincts were trying to tell her something, and right now they were telling her to go to him, before he did something he would regret.

If there was one thing she knew about Griffith better than anyone, it was his tendency to act out or become some flavor of weird and reclusive when he felt down. Often that manifested as shutting himself in his tent for two days, barely eating a thing; sometimes it meant he would take a long walk by himself or ride away to some unknown place for a few hours. Other times she would come upon him dressed down to his braies, shivering himself into sensibility by letting the cold numb him. She tried not to disturb him too much when he was like this, unless she thought he was hurting himself too badly; and she would have let him alone tonight. But she had a feeling, deep in her gut, that he would end up doing exactly that if she didn't keep an eye on him.

"Griffith?" She called, rapping her knuckles on his bedroom door. "It's Casca. I just...wanted to see how you're doing. Make sure you're okay." She struggled with the words in her mouth as though they were chewed fat, sticky and awkward. A few moments passed, and in the time there was not a sound to be heard from the other side of the door. She went to tap the wood again with the back of her hand, but stopped when he finally responded.

"Come here." He called back quietly, his voice surprisingly even, though he sounded a little raspy. Casca paused, her intuition finding some issue with the invitation. It wasn't the stunning formality she was used to, and though that made her happy on some level, that he would drop the ruse to invite her in, it also heightened her concern. She shook the nerves away and opened the door - to find a sight she'd of better assumed to be the work of a determined house theif than the man before her.

Papers were strewn about everywhere, his desk where they had presumably been settled was wildly ajar, it's fresh-scuffed surface betraying the violence with which it was put into that position, with drawers shuddered open and edges chipped and notched. A simple, long dagger stood glinting from its splintered top, and suddenly the notches and scratches in its leading edge made a cold kind of sense. Even the curtain on his bed was ripped from its stays and had clearly been mutilated by the very same blade. 'Moving things about indeed' she surmised - but the idea was far from amusing. Instead a heavy dread settled into her gut like a stone, recognizing the handiwork of rage and pain that she would have never presumed her commander capable in this disaster of a room; she hated herself for it, but she'd of been lying if she said it didn't intimidate her, on a subconscious level. She'd never seen Griffith lose his temper, not ever, so seeing such a wanton display - accentuated by the dagger, plunged so deep into the wood he'd of had to throw his whole weight atop it - definitely scared her.

"Don't." Griffith broke the stiff, heavy silence with a small plea. "Don't be frightened of me." He looked up at her from where he stood, braced against the window ledge with his hands, his body awkwardly slumpy and clearly tired - it wasn't until then that Casca noticed that, in spite of how level he sounded, he was just as much of a wreck as the room. Young bruises and a few scrapes of blood coloured his knuckles, vivid against his milky skin. He had on his neck the faintest flush of pink and a thin veneer of sweat, and his breathing was more ragged than it sounded. But it was his eyes that truly gave him away - fading signs of bloodshot eyes and a wavering, barely-focused view told her stories of tears that had since dried and retreated from view.

And she understood, in that moment, how deeply she had underestimated his attachment - and maybe affection - to Guts.

Her thoughts were swirling. 'I knew something happened between them. Guts was so determined - and, like it or not, he was always going to win that fight. He was always going to win - you don't have the strength to best him anymore, and you both knew that; hell, if I knew that, then so did you, right? But he didn't win - why? Was it the look in your eyes when he was making the final blow? Did you show him the depth of your feelings? On accident? On purpose? Why?' Casca didn't know. But she understood - and that is what he needed right now.

Someone to understand. Someone who wouldn't judge him for the sin of being in love with the wrong person. Someone who could embrace him in spite of it. Just like before, just like that time in the river after...that, had happened.

Or, at least that's what she thought he needed.

Casca didn't have time to offer words or gesture. "Oof! What? - " she was caught off guard when Griffith suddenly threw himself at her, gathering her tightly in his arms - so tight she could barely breathe. Initially she was frightened - but his embrace was too gentle to hurt her, however hard he was squeezing, and he wasn't making any moves to lay her open or some such.

On one hand, she was pleasantly surprised; but her gut, which had been very talkative this evening, told her something was very wrong here. Griffith never initiated things like this, not with her - not with anyone that she knew of, not even Guts. A slow, semi-painful squeeze forced the air from her lungs completely and distracted her from her thoughts for a moment; but it was over as quick as it started, and he let go of her just enough to lean back and look at her face, searching for something Casca didn't know how to identify. He was always so clandestine. Not for the first time, she wondered how much of that was innate and how much he did it on purpose.

"Please," Griffith pleaded, a vague, distant, and if Casca were guessing right, jaded look in his pale eyes. "Don't be frightened of me. I am far more dangerous to myself right now than you." Casca's heart dropped at the confession, still too breathless to form a response, or even think of one. Her breath then stopped completely, heart flying unceremoniously into her throat, when Griffith's hand trailed feather-light upon her cheek, his eyes taking a darker, more subdued hue. His long, pale lashes glinted in the lamp light, and Casca felt her whole upper body flush with what was no doubt a ruddy blush.

"I want you." He breathed, bringing their faces so close she could have counted the lashes on his half-closed eyes. His hand then rested, open palmed but still so light, so gentle, upon her warming cheek. "I want you to be brave, Casca. Can you do that?" He whispered, leaning toward her other ear. She felt their cheeks brush just barely and couldn't resist a gasp as her lungs gave out from their neglect. "Can you be brave for me?" His voice held an undeniably seductive lilt this time, and Casca abruptly realised the darkish look she hadn't then recognised to be one she'd seen easily a thousand times - just not on his face. Never on his face.

"I don't...understand?" She defended weakly, her breath suddenly returning to her in heavy gasps, pulling away from him on reflex. But his arms held her fast in place, and at once pulled her closer; he then buried his face in her shoulder and neck, breathing deeply. Casca was horribly confused, and habitually a little bit scared, but her reflex to push him away left when she felt him tremble. It was slight, and if she hadn't of been looking for something like that to offer explanation to the situation, she'd of probably missed it. But it was there, a tiny, barely perceptible shaking in his shoulders that shuddered through him to his nose and jaw where he pressed them to her skin.

She didn't fight him when they started moving, a cautious curiosity feeding strange ideas in her mind as he led her to the exposed edge of his bed. When the corner pressed into the back of her thigh, suddenly she felt sparks. Was this happening? She seen him draw back and pause for a moment, before bringing up his hand to guide her face to his, silently asking permission, she presumed. She did not deny him, and met his soft, warm and surprisingly dry mouth with a mixture of elatement and apprehension.

She knew then that he didn't mean her harm, and once that was established, it was like nothing else mattered. Her mind went peacefully blank, offering him whatever it was he was asking from her - she would be his anything if it meant he went back to normal. If it meant she could be helpful. If it made her more than a sticky thorn in his side. She knew - she could sense his annoyance with her at times, could sense the shift in his disposition when he was trying to shield his emotions from her. But this... this was new. This was different. This was Griffith, in his purest, rawest form. And she wasn't going to give him any reason why he shouldn't show her more of this side of him, a side he so desperately needed to share with somebody.

Or, that was the plan, anyway.

He reached down to twine his hands with hers, kissing her neck gently, cautiously. She had no idea where this was meant to be going, but she did not resist. It wasn't worth it to resist - though if it was fear forcing that feeling upon her, it didnt make itself known. She was both calm and restless. She was elated, but also felt defeated, somehow. Like he had just won a fight she had not realised they were having.

The speed at which the kiss escalated surprised but did not disappoint her - she had always wondered why it was men blathered on about the 'taste' of a person, but she kinda understood it now; as did she understand why the previously gross notion of having someone else's tongue in her mouth was such a celebrated win among the rookies. He seemed to have a degree of skill in this endeavor, winding and twining his tongue in hers, though she dare not think how he may have acquired such experience. Their soft tongues tasted and tested each other curiously, and Casca wondered for a moment if all men tasted like this or if it was unique to him. She'd of liked to prefer the latter.

Upon meeting, Casca suddenly felt his possible intention pressing into the hollow of her hip, and a flutter of anxiety struck her like a dull sword in the chest - but it was very swiftly overwhelmed by the excitement growing from below, which roared from a dull possibility into a very different sense of reality, of proximity, as her body seemed to instinctively know what that was and what she wanted it to do to her.

She did not get much longer to ponder though before a much firmer hand than had previously touched her found the crook of her thigh below her butt, and lifted her the short distance onto the bed. It was a jarring experience, enough to break their kiss momentarily, and in nearly the same motion, he gently leaned onto her, using the hand that had been cradling her face and neck to push her back by the waist until she lied down. Before she could mutter an utterance, their lips - and tongues - resumed their business as if there had been no interruption. His hands, freed of the need to prevent her escaping, apparently, now wandered to all but her most sensitive places, tracing gentle, sensual shapes up her sides, tracing dashed lines up and down her outer thigh. It was exhilarating.

He then quite abruptly used both hands on her buttox to move her upward, higher on the bed - bringing his own hips along with, and meeting her own with a small sigh that escaped somehow between them.

She could not resist a soft moan when he moved from her lips finally to her neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses to the corner of her jaw as he simultaneously held her arms down gently beside her head, pulling back so he could push his sex into hers, pressing just until the pressure seemed it might tear through their clothes. She reacted with a tremble, sliding her legs up his flanks before entwining them around him, pulling him closer, tighter, asking for something she had, to his knowledge, never known.

He stopped, then. Froze, to be more precise - a stiff statue of his formerly passionate self. Casca looked up at him, bitterly confused, but became concerned instead when she seen the ghost of pain on his face. It wasn't physical pain, though - no, he was still pressing into her, still stiff as wood - no, this was another pain entirely, and Casca honestly understood none of it.

"You don't want this." He said morosely, with a bizzare form of authority. He turned his face away from her then, trying to hide his expression, which nonetheless betrayed the key to this sudden interruption - shame. "You don't want me to treat you like this." He half-whipsered, jaw going tight and arms stiffened from restraint.

Casca was a little dazed. "Wh- yes, I do. I would have stopped you otherwise."

"No, you wouldn't, and we both know it." He said starkly. Those words struck something in her then, sending her heart racing with - what was that? Fear? No. Panic? Why? Because she was losing her chance? Because he was now backing away from her, moving across the room with hanging head to sit as unceremoniously as she'd ever seen him sit onto the chair beside his desk? Because he was rejecting her, again? Because she wasn't good enough, again? Why then? Why offer her a taste if he was just going to rip it away like that? For what? His pride?

"Griffith, I -"

Casca desperately wanted to cry, to scream, to be angry and hurt - and she was. But the words Griffith next spoke offered respite, first in the form of feeling doubly offended, making her anger overshadow her pain for a moment: "You don't want me to treat you like a whore." He said firmly, folding in on himself.

... and then in the form of feeling a wave of regret pass over her for it, for he uttered softly, a moment later, "...I would know."

His bruised and bloody knuckles tightened around his shirt on his upper arms, a familiar coping behavior that Casca immediately recognised - and understood precisely what he meant. And it shattered any resolve she might've had to be angry at him for rejecting her.

"You should go." He interrupted. It was not phrased as a suggestion. "I...need to be alone, for a while."

Casca felt lost. One minute, they were breaths away from taking their clothes off, then she wanted to throttle him, and now he wanted her to leave?

And yet she couldn't argue with his logic, as per usual. After all, what would they have been? A single night tryst made in the throes of a passion that wasn't made for her? A union made from the desperate trappings of greif and longing? For another man, no less. She was hurt - oh, was she hurting. But she couldn't find the will to argue. He was right - maybe it was better this way. He was always right.

But she had never before wanted so, so desperately for him to be wrong.

"Thank you, Casca." Griffith said suddenly. "For checking in on me. Believe it or not, I needed that. All of that." Casca fought off a wince. He gave her a small and tired but surprisingly genuine smile, though his usually clandestine eyes now poorly hid a vicious bitterness that Casca knew was not directed at herself - he would have hid it from her otherwise, or at least tried harder. He was funny like that. In spite of everything, his smile was like a soothing balm upon her temperament, and she managed to collect herself even for just a moment. "If you...need, anything else," she fought the tremble in her voice with all her might, forcing it into her shaking hands instead. "You know where to find me." Casca didn't have the strength to look at him when she said that, turning on her heel and walking out the door without a second glance. And yet, she could almost sense the frown behind her. Almost.

She only made it a few steps before her delicate resolve came undone in rivulets, deep breaths trying to disguise sobs as she prepared to go down the stairs. But the wave of emotions would not be held back this time, and so she resolved to escape as quickly as possible, before she was noticed.

Unbeknownst to her, a young and now very confused housemaiden watched her descend.

Feel free to ask questions or comment with suggestions if you have them. I won't be able to put this whole fic up on Ao3 for a minute yet since all the scenes are out of order still, with bridges yet unwritten, so here's a taste for you. :)

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs of march

- a day late because we decided to spend 6 hours trying to make sense of a 1500 piece world of warcraft puzzle last night and fell asleep while doing that, lol

1. THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND by Bad Omens

it's such a banger! I've known about the band before from tiktok but one of my friends showed me Just pretend and somehow that made me more curious. ever since that party I've been listening to this whole new album but this is by far the best song on it.

2. Complete Collapse - Acoustic by Sleeping With Sirens

march was such a fun month! I've been to my first ever VIP meet and greet before a concert and it was the best thing I've ever experienced! meeting the boys, who were there for me when noone was almost 10 years ago.. it was my best experience so far with musicians. they were down to earth, kind, they asked a few questions when I took the picture with them. lovely event!

3. Fighting Myself by Linkin Park

this song made me cry, it made me emotional, it changed my whole life, it had & has such a big impact on me! I'm obsessed.

& my fav memory ever: I had trouble sleeping, I've been going through a tough time lately and my bf knows I fall asleep easier if I listen to some music. I put this one on and he asked for the unused half of my earbuds so he can listen to it with me. I love this boy with my whole heart.

4. HOPE by NF

the last verse/the discourse at the end of this song opened up so many emotions and thoughts in me. knowing that I'm not alone and it gets better if you fight hard enough for it... life changing.

5. ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine

I know this one from the tiktok trend & love the chill/sad vibes. it's all such a mood. actually the lyrics has so great storytelling, I enjoy songs like this one so much!

"lovely to sit between comfort and chaos" 🤍

6. deepfake by brakence

I'm super excited about this song. I've been listening to it on repeat in the last couple of days and it's actually one of the best brakence songs. love the dude as always.

7. The Exit by Conan Gray

I relate to this song endlessly.

family stuff is getting harder and harder to process as I'm getting more and more of my memories back. I never kenw this much stuff was hiding in the dark, but I'm not that suprised I've been dealing with shit this poorly if my whole life was a huge trauma. cptsd sucks.

8. September by Sparky Deathcap

still a huge fav. it makes me smile that this whole song is about some dude being so angry that he just wants to beat the shit out of someone. I live for the passion in this song.

9. The Search by NF

old fav, it surfaced again because of my obsession with HOPE. I found the line "looking for the map to HOPE" so fascinating, I belive this guy is a genius and I truly believe that I love every song he ever made.

10. And the Snakes Start to Sing by Bring Me The Horizon

I'm still stuck in this nostalgic mindset, especially with these huge albums turning 10, 20 years old (linkin park, bmth). this song had a huge effect on me and I always loved it but a few days ago I truly realized, that this is not a love song in any way shape or form.I always happened to find toxic, narcissistic people and their love was the only thing I knew. it's been 7 months since I've gotten together eith my bf and I noticed I was getting "bored" of the peace and comfort I'm getting from him. it's the strangest thing if you think about it. I'm getting bored because I'm safe, I'm not in danger anymore. it's truly a sad thing to realise.

[the-one-who-lambs]

17, 18 and 29 for the ao3 wrap~?

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

Probably Narinder, as evidenced by the fact that he's been centric to or appeared in literally everything I've written so far. In a few days, when I publish something I've already written for a CotL secret santa, this will no longer be true, but still. He's the comfort character I'm hyperfixating on, mostly because I'm obsessed with the ideas of his character arcs. Now, we've never seen them happen in canon outright, but we know at least that he had a family who he was close to and who loved him and then betrayed them, though we don't know exactly how or why. And then, once Lamb usurps him, the twinge of regret and potential softening of his personality once he's not, you know, trapped in a prison of his own sins and seething with rage and hatred all the time because that's not sustainable when you're not a god. He's had at least two major personality changes throughout his lifetime and I love imagining how he deals with (or doesn't deal with) that.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Hmm, honestly? The Lamb/Lambert. Here's my take on them that I hopefully conveyed well: I wanted to give them a personality that seems cheery and positive, and seems like they genuinely care for others/their followers, but honestly knowing that they can't care for so many people when they have their own desires. They care for their followers in a general sense, but not really on an individual level unless said follower has some type of significance to them (e.g. Narinder, their first follower, spouses who became close friends, etc.). They're constantly tired and constantly having to put off addressing that fact because so many individuals depend on them. They know they have done evil only because of the situation they found themself in, and has generally accepted their own depravity.

...Not that any of the followers know any of this. They keep all this below the surface.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

GOD...

The final flashback of Requiem and the conversation between Narinder and Shamura will always be special. It has a little bit of everything that I love about their dynamic (or at least how I imagine it). The gentle way they reprimand him, the best way they know to show him they care. Narinder, back before he even considered the possibility of him revolting, showing how much he worries for and loves his family in his own kinda standoffish way. Him knowing he can be vulnerable around Shamura and trusting them fully.

And then, the subtle tone shift that Narinder doesn't really pick up on when Shamura has their vision: he doesn't know it in the moment but this is when they foresee his revolt and the eventual possibility of the destruction of the Old Faith. And how they manage to keep it together, how their brother is still their main concern in the moment but now with the knowledge that their closeness will not last. It makes their last line have totally different meanings for Shamura and Narinder.

“My first baby brother,” Shamura whispered. “You’ll always be my little kitten.”

To Narinder, Shamura seems to be saying this as the headstrong and determined yet thoroughly loving oldest sibling that they are to him. But to Shamura, this statement is a lot more painful. They foresee what he will do to them and STILL they know, despite this, they will continue to love him as their little brother.

And finally, when Narinder comes back to himself in the present, realizing he's crying. Thousands of years have passed and he finally realizes what Shamura saw then and what they meant. And he's still so angry but he misses them and doesn't know why. After a thousand years of basically denying himself any emotion it's way too hard to process so he just shuts down.

"He hated them all so much for their betrayal that he circled around right back to love."

Y'all know that piece of advice to lead with your best material? I don't know if I'll be able to top Requiem for CotL fanfics, but tbh? I'm okay with that.

Thanks SO MUCH for the ask!!

[justrandommethoughts]

The Start

This post defines the start of my journey. It was way back in 2019 when I first went to therapy (Yeah for me that's way back, the whole covid period just makes everything before feel soo long ago).

I was still together with my first girlfriend back then, almost for 6 years to that day. I never thought I have mental issues, but I was never the 'feeling' kind of person. I did not really feel anything. Of course, I would tell my ex I loved her, I was sad at the funeral of my grandparents, but it felt artificial, not real. I was just acting along how I was supposed to feel, without really feeling it. But for me that was normal, I've been this way for as long as I could remember. But then, I started to develope random symptoms of illnesses that could not be diagnosed by doctors/specialists. I had issues/pain peeing, my head skin was itching, I developed a tinnitus. After going through some painful proedures (I am very much referring to an urologist, who had to take a 'sample' of my urethra and was sticking some thing into my penis. I think that was the most painful thing I ever experienced, I can't even describe the pain I was in. I really never cried, but that, that made me cry) Well, anyways, after all these tests were showing no results of some illness, my doctor referred me to a therapist. I even got a pretty fast appointment, it only took me a few weeks. I was super lucky with that and I am still grateful (I might have to add that I live in Germany, so I did not have to pay for any of these doctors visit, I am super lucky)

So, the first therapy session was ahead. I was super nervous and could not imagine what it would be like to talk to somebody like that. I had no clue what to talk to him about, as there were no emotions or internal thoughts that I could tell him about. It was just empty, nothing, a void. It felt a bit odd, but honestly my memory is rather blurry about these past days. I was with this therapist for almost a year and a half, having sessions about every 2 weeks. And it helped, I noticed my feelings again, I could feel again. It's crazy to think about it, but I actually can't remember what exactly we did. He asked me how I felt about certain things, and I could not answer. Like what do you feel when you think about this teacher. I could not tell, I had numbness. So we went through all feelings there are, and I tried to imagine what it would feel like. And after some time, I noticed them again, at least something. A tickle maybe, but enough to talk about it.

An interesting event we pointed out, which back then seemed to be really important was something a teacher did to me when I was in 6th grade (so about 12/13). It was geography, and the teacher was a real asshole. He was that kind of teacher that takes pleasure in embarrasing kids, making him feel superior. He would always insult classmates and tell them how dumb they are. Well, and then one day it happened to me. I was rather more open back then, more expressive. I wore a shirt saying something like 'Homework are dangerous for my freetime' and he looked at it and shouted across the classroom 'It should rather say Homework are dangerous for your stupidity'. It really hurt thinking about this event, back then during the therapy session it felt like a turning point. It had such a massive impact, I could not really deal with it. After the therapy I went home and I was feeling unwell already. I then basically puked the whole evening and cried until my parents came and picked me up. They live about an hour away by car, so not too close. I thought that was the event troubling me and being a turning point in my development, so processing it really helped (At least back then it was a good start, but not to imagine what would come lol). Anyways, a few weeks after my girlfriend, then ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I was done with everything, the whole world. My world was falling apart. Even though I did not really feel that I loved her, I was still having a connection. A closesness that I can not really describe, she just felt like home. The therapy really helped processing it, having somebody to talk to who does not judge you no matter what you say. Who even understands and helps you order your thoughts and feelings. I wrote letters to her, which I never sent, just for myself. A lot of letters. I also sent her one message, a very long message, talking about what good times we had and that we should try it again, but to no avail. It was over. About three months later she had a new boyfriend, somebody from her work, and I thought it would not really affect me. I was just shrugging it off, saying its her thing, I don't care. Thinking about it from my perspective now, I actually cared and still do. It made everything before feel artificial, questioning if she also wanted him when we were still together, if there was something happening maybe. I don't think so, my rational self tells me no, she is not such a person, but I nevertheless have these thoughts.

Then Covid hit, I still remeber it in March 2020, when everything shut down. I then moved back to my parents. I was living in a shared appartment, but I had no real connection to my roommates and all my other friends also moved back to their parents. I had remote therapy during that period, and it was actually ok. It felt a little hard to open up over a video call at first, but I can recommend it if you can't see a therapist in person. After a few months the therapy was at an end. We had to either file an application for long term treatment or stop, and we both agreed on that I was feeling better and could deal with myself without any help (Oh how wrong we were).

The next part of the story will come whenever I feel like it and have the time, but until my next therapy a couple years went by. It actually only started a few months ago. I will then also go a little more into detail, but that backstory might be intersting to see where I am coming from.

[not-your-cautionary-tale]

K tells me that he'll see me in a short while. He has a meeting at the restaurant in the yoga community that I stay in.

What does that even mean? Is he finally going to talk to me again?

I get home and my friend is sitting at the table next to his table. Just my luck. So I sit with her, almost next to him. I am trying to act as normal as possible. Normal means that we are laughing at every minute and at everything. I don't want to sound award, like I am waiting for him. At the same time, I don't want to appear as though I am searching for attention. I don't want to feel as if I am disturbing his meeting.

After a few minutes of silently acting silly, I leave. He has my number, if he wants to speak to me when he is done, he will text me. He doesn't.

I am finally comfortable in my feelings for him, though I am feeling frustrated because it's clear that I am being led on. Letting go has been an intense process but l am getting there.

When he has left, I check in on my friend, who laments at the type of conversation she overheard. It was about sex.

Because we live in a religious community, the topic of sex is only ever seen in negative light except for procreation. That's not how the rest of the world works though. When you are in that space, it's hard to differentiate when the context of conversations on sex is sinister or when it is normal.

K's research has to deals with a specific sti. When I bumped into him months prior, he tells me that he just joined the programme because it was the only option. It's not for me to judge.

My relationship with him feels shameful. I like him and I tried to ignore him at the beginning. Then one day I tell my friend about him, who stops him while shopping at a local shop and we invite him to our yoga center. I knew that this was a big mistake but as long as I got to see him, I was happy.

Out of the shame of my desire to be his girlfriend, I constantly felt the need to have a spiritual element to our interactions instead of me just hanging out him. Though, a majority of the time we hang out outside of the community and we never spoke about the community or spirituality. I still felt like I was "preaching" to him and would talk about him to my spiritual leader.

I would also experience panic attacks because of past trauma distorting my perception of own self. Being around him would make my legs putty but I also felt a pit in my stomach. An emptiness. Emotions so intense that it felt as if they were spilling into a black hole at the core of me.

I never felt enough. He was tall, dark, handsome and intelligent. I didn't feel smart or attractive enough for him.

A few months prior to meeting him. I had just moved to this big city and I achieved my dream of living in a spiritual community. Though I felt as if I had been dropped in unfamiliar waters with little to no guidance. I struggled with sleep, so I would sit in the restaurant at night and chat to another boy who struggled with sleep. I eventually got into trouble for having male friends but I was friends and I hung out with everyone, even the girls. My story almost got spun out of proportion when the boy I used to sit with was involved in a scandal. I never recovered from that drama.

It has been over 5 years and a lot has happened. K and I stopped talking a few years ago. I've has many more experiences that has shaken my sexuality to the core.

Since leaving my religious community, i am unpacking so much religious trauma. Sex is no longer a dirty word for me, I feel like talking about it in relation to feminism, gender based violence and female bodily autonomy. It's hard though. After every Facebook post where I share a little bit of my thoughts, I can the potential disappoint and the jeers.

It may be all in my head but the fear is based on conversations that I have participated in in the past.

I see myself empowering girls in ways that I was not empowered growing up. Learning to love their bodies. Learning to not control the access of their bodies based on anyone else's desire but their own. Learning to prioritize pleasure. Learning to be okay with celibacy. Learning to have conversations about intimacy. All the things that we are not taught.

I also prepare myself to treated like a leper in spaces that I used to love. I prepare to hear "I told you so." and I prepare to have to ward off unwarranted attention.

I comfort myself from my anxieties by remembering that the future is not certain and what people say behind my back is none of my business eitherway.

I will do what's best to keep myself and other women safe in the world, especially from the weight of other people's opinions and our struggles to choose self.

Choosing yourself will always be important.

[russeliarat]

Don’t you ever fucking suggest the idea that you are worth dying Russ. In what world are you making everyone around you miserable? If I am miserable talking to you than why am I even here?? If I was miserable I would walk away.

If you would like to know, I have before had the thought process that maybe it would be okay if I wasn’t here, it would be better for everyone. And then I woke the hell up and realized that offing myself would only hurt others. Not even just personal relationships, it affects a ton of people.

We feel intense emotion when someone has to do something drastic: rob a bank because they need money, run away because of their home life, or kill themselves because they either find it better for themselves or others. Suicide hurts the most because there is nothing you can do beyond that point to help because the person is dead.

And don’t even get me started on the PERSON SUFFERING THEMSELF.

I cannot describe to you what I entirely think about this in the limited language we have, the word I’m looking for is more specific than that one German word that specifies an old lady walking across the street with a fish or something like that I don’t know.

I have a Bo Burnham mindset when it comes to the world, an existential terror at what monster we’ve created, at what horror is to come, that there is no hope for a better future and one day we’re going to destroy this planet. But I’m still here, I’m still living my life, I’m still having fun and smiling and experiencing new things. Sometimes I mess up, sometimes I’m around people who belittle me, or who dislike me, or who infantilize me (it happens to me so fucking much) , but I don’t let those things drag me down.

I’m too busy loving existence, and finding joy no matter where I am (except anywhere near that one teacher FUCK HER-) . There is something from a podcast I listen to that describes my thoughts perfectly - no matter where you are, no matter how bad things may be, I think you can find joy. I found joy simply talking to you, and I took that joy as another reason to wake up the next day.

Most actions are selfish yeah, and maybe you’re right and it is selfish to crave death. It doesn’t matter how selfish you are, not to me at least, in my bed at five a.m. So don’t you ever say you are worth dying or I’m coming over to your ass and dunking your head in cold ass water until it clicks in your head that you are not the root of all suffering, that’s Hitler’s role.

Anyway, I just woke up and am about to keel over and sleep, timezones amr?

Being honest here, I'm not even sure why I posted that. I made it at like 3am when I spiralled hard and didn't know what else to do. I regret it deeply to be honest, I don't really want anyone to see me in that state ever, it's more than embarrassing.

I think it's been more than an understatement to call the last few weeks rough, it's been tougher than ever. You and others who visit frequently help me a lot to deal with this kind of shit but I never want to pressure anyone into feeling obligated to stay here. My feelings on this kind of thing is really complicated - I yearn for comfort and support but at the same time, I don't want anyone to become troubled because of my behaviour (something I've had to learn the hard way).

[spicysociety]

Healing is a Journey

originally written April 4, 2019.

I've not written anything in a while, so forgive me if this is a little ramblin' and all over the place. I'm just kind of putting words down.

As some of you know, I have had the unfortunate experience of recovering from an abusive relationship. It wasn't all bad, but it certainly wasn't good, and I am still dealing with the emotional scars left behind and it's been over a year.

I thought I had made further progress in the last few months. I had gone to an event last fall that he attended and managed to hold it together until I got home. I had a good breakdown about a month ago over some of the pain I still feel from his actions, and I thought the breakdown had done me some good and helped me move forward. I've been trying to be mindful of what things make me twitch and why, and figuring out if I need to find coping mechanisms for those things or just need to work through it.

But I was wrong about how much progress I've made. Recently, I had to deal with an incident where he was invited to a weekend event by a host who knew of our history and still invited him even after they were aware that my children and I would be there, and I found out two days before the event. It was something I really wanted to go to, for multiple reasons. But because of his presence, I felt I was not capable. I had multiple almost-panic attacks just thinking about being in the same area of him for roughly two days. My oldest daughter had an almost gut reaction of "no" when I told her that he would be there. My youngest daughter broke down into one of the worst fits of tears I've seen out of her in a while.

I decided against going. I did not know if I could mentally handle it, and I did not know if I could trust myself to be adult enough not to say something to the co-host who took it upon themselves to invite him despite knowing that I wanted to be there for very serious reasons.

I thought that would be the end of it. That I would just not go and I would be ok. But this week has been a hard one. I've been more sensitive to anything that even remotely reminds me of my time with him. I've had trouble discerning triggers from normal grumpies. I am on edge, and I am trying to keep from breaking.

I am still healing. I'm still very much in the process of extricating all the splinters and shards from the wounds he inflicted. People say that emotional and mental abuse isn't the same, and some people, especially those who knew us while we were together, might have a hard time believing that the trauma runs as deep as it does. When it's insidious, when it is innocuous to outsiders, and when they do see it, it seems like jokes and sarcasm, to me, that makes it worse. Because people don't want to believe that you're serious. They want to believe that it was all just someone being an asshole, but not a real asshole, the kind of asshole that can be shrugged off and brushed aside and not taken seriously.

This is not to say that physical, mental, and emotional abuse of other kinds are not valid. This is just to say the next time someone tells you they have been abused, and they tell you who their abuser is, and you don't want to believe it because you think the abuser is really just a joker, stop yourself. Rethink that. Just because you don't see the abuse doesn't mean it isn't happening. And you don't get to decide if someone has been hurt.

[softer-ua]

in regards to what you pointed out a few posts ago, ngl one of my least favorite fandom things is when they make Kaminari the Har Har Stupid Joking ADHD Bi Playboy Who Is Never Serious Trope. like, he's very smart, 'worst in ___ area of a UA course' is very impressive and I don't remember if it even said that or just that he was studying with some other students, worried about his grades overall, calls himself stupid with implied insecurities about it, and didn't think he was very smart compared to the other people in the course. quirk overuse makes him loopy, incoherent, and think everything's funny. and yeah, he's a bit of a flirt and made a few perverted comments and actions that he clearly didn't think through that well. I'm pretty sure he's not ever stated to be bi in the manga because it was written by a coward, so I think people should think more about why they're associating and pairing together the idea of "hot flirty playboy who if legally able would sleep with everyone he meets" with emphasis or joke in the captions of whatever the content is on him being bi. I don't think this is inherently bad, even put together, but the execution feels kind of :/ and shallow. and I mainly just wish they'd pause to consider if there's any reason (subconscious or intentional) why one of those makes them think about the other, and at the very least lean back to see if they're blatantly making those traits centric around each other and tweak how they're showing them a little. Part of this is also because it's basically his fanon sexuality, but then they stick together "oh he's bi and everyone thinks that" and "he's made flirty or perverted comments and actions in canon at some point" and then mentally exaggerate and have this Canon Image of him as *waves hand at above* and I don't think that's happening consciously in most cases but. again. Cookiecutter Bi Party Playboy Who's Made a Date Offer to Everyone In The Building. not a flirty Person or a Playboy who is bi and flirts with more than one genders

I myself headcanon him as adhd and while the exact sexuality depends on my mood I think of/have him as bi in a lot of my content, but it's the same thing with why non adhd people see how he acts and label "adhd!" Especially about comprehension speed and derpy acting and intelligence and attention span jokes/tropes. Again, not bad in and of itself, but the specific parts of his behavior that make them think he's adhd, or that they start making jokes about or Ha Ha ADHD'ing, or that they think is why we project ADHD on him, (which they aren't necessarily wrong about, but like right in a really disrespectful look at how funny this is oh look squirrel way that's only funny when adhd people are doing it and it isn't all mocking like that) when they see other people calling him adhd, are the wrong ones, I think, and it shows in their characterization of him.

I'm not saying that any of those traits are bad in a character, but as a queer adhd girl with very high annual test scores and Gifted Kid Intelligence but extremely poor grades, focus, and brain damage (admittedly nothing like his, it was a longterm passive thing that mainly just made me have a Lot of Really Bad headaches, and closest thing it did to me was make me sluggish and emotional on bad days and also techincally have the potential kill my language bit if left untreated or the surgery messed up, which it didn't, and it won't be a problem again. but even after explaining that it wasn't cancer or any sort of tumor, and after seeing it do very little at all to affect my behavior outside of irritability and performance, because y'know, constant migraines, gone after the surgery but this was before that, Certain People I Was Vaguely Kind Of Acquaintances With started to treat my like I was a fragile glass thing going to to drop dead and revive myself speaking like a comic relief cartoon crazy person at any moment which was. patronizing.) I've since had surgery for, the way the fandom combines them into stereotypes and portrays them really just rubs me the wrong way- "Flirty Bi(tm) Playboy" "Har Har ADHD Can't Focus Or Get Things After They're Explained To Him, He's Still Confused And An Idiot" "Stupid Person With Brain Damage Who Can't Take Care Of Or Think For Themself And Acts Stupid And Funny For People To Laugh At" which tbh is super ableist even and especially when people irl do fit that description, and also reminds me of the Autistic Person Freaking Out And Being Dramatic sense of humor. And I know it's not helped by canon, because it done for comic relief and to limit his powers, but explored more I think it as a limitation could have been used way more interestingly than canon did and also call me biased but that quirk induced brain frying sounds at least as concerning as Izuku's quirk's backlash.

And it's a shame!! Because he's so much more interesting than that! Instead, the fandom gives me the Cookicutter Funny Bi ADHD Flirt Who's An Idiot and I am sad about it.

tbh it reminds me of what happened to percy jackson, esp with the ADHD Idiot Trope thing. which sucks because apparently it originated in the author making up stories around characters like his adhd and dyslexic kid inspired by Greek myths to tell him after running out of actual myths because it was his special interest and he wanted more. and then the series got kind of all over the place and the fandom processed that the adhd and dyslexic main character who does dumb things sometimes but is very combat smart and great at strategizing and leading gets bad grades and has trouble focusing and has, y'know, adhd, and made him the ADHD Idiot and erased his Gifted Kid girl friend's traits and ADHD and dyslexia into No Nonsense Calls Him an Idiot And Thinks He's Stupid And Has To Tell Him What To Do And Manage His Life For Him and honestly that just kind of sucks and it reminds me of what happened to fandom Kaminari. and now that I think of it people have jirou like that around him a lot too.

im fine with you answering this publicly if you want or have something to add but probably tag as ableism and maybe a biphobia mention content warning for people who don't have the energy to deal with thinking about those kinds of negative things rn because I kind of Went Off About It

I love this! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences 💚(and double thank you for tag suggestions)💚

I couldn’t agree more that a lot of fandom has messed up Kami’s character, which is why I’ve kinda been posting more about him cause he’s just stuck in my head.

I think a lot of fandoms have trouble with characters like this, people have a hard time with duality in characters and fast/fun posts are easier to make if you flatten a character down.

The did it to Kami, they did it to Percy, they did it to Ron Weasley, they do it to Thor, the list goes on. If being the Smart One ™️ isn’t your thing and you can be goofy than you get pigeonholed into the idiot trope.

I feel for Kami a lot(probably because I have adhd/brain damage too)

It sucks when you’re smart but it’s not the traditional, measurable kind of smart(even if by national comparison Kami technically is).

I got terrible grades growing up, and I pretty much got the absolute lowest gpa you can get and still graduate. But absolutely no one would have known if I didn’t tell them, because I’m not dumb.

(It’s okay if you are “dumb”, I love me a head empty just vibes friend. You’re 100% valid, stil worthy of joining discussions, and should be listened to and taken seriously. This just isn’t about that tho)

I joke sometimes that I’m clever and witty but not smart, because that’s exactly what it feels like.

I have lots of thoughts and ideas that I think I articulate pretty well, I am excellent at finding the humor in things and expressing it in a way that’s funny to others too, and there is almost zero problems I can’t find a work around. And the people in my life love it, and they love to use it.

But eventually everyone in my life finds out that I’m not smart. They see the way I have to pause to Google how to calculate a tip, that I don’t know the name of all 50 states or even where to find them on a map, or I legitimately just can not spell (if you ever see a post where it looks like I used a weird word choice it’s probably because I tried 4 times and autocorrect+Google couldn’t help me and voice to text wasn’t an option)

No one ever questions my intelligence until they find out about my adhd and/or catch me struggling with it. After the mask comes off it’s like they can’t even hear me anymore, nothing I say could be true or matter because I’m now just the goofy accident prone spacy girl. My family literally calls me Spacy

And ya know what sometimes I just let people think that because it’s easier, it’s easier than explaining that I’m dyslexic and that I didn’t have a single geography/history clas until 10th grade and shocker the capital of Iowa doesn’t come up much by then. And it’s easier for me to laugh off losing my keys again than dwell on the fact that sometimes it feels like I’m losing my marbles.

And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if after this post I get a lot more “fact checkers” and push back on anything else I post.(not talking about people who want to genuinely engage,y’all are always welcome, I’m talking those people who don’t wanna look it up themselves but no longer trust me to know what I’m talking about)

Kami is a sweet brilliant boy. He’s in a nationally high ranking school, he loves the weather channel, he’s careful about his quirk that could easily hurt his friends in combat, he has a very high emotional intelligence level, he wears dorky shirts with electricity puns on them, and he pays attention to his friends and remembers a lot of little things about them.

He wants to be a hero and he takes that seriously, and the series has tried time and time again to tell y’all that smiling and laughter are an important part of that. Kami excels at this part! So what if his history grades don’t rival the top of the class, the top 5 students would struggle hard to do what Kami does.

Iida can’t relax, Momos rather shy, Todo struggles with social cues, Midoriya is canonically not funny, and jfc where to even begin with Katsuki. I’m certain they’ll all grow up to be excellent heros in their own right, but none of them are going to bring the level of joy and camaraderie that Denki can. You can’t test that into someone.

Kami also just notices people differently and has any easy way of joining in with them, he doesn’t struggle approaching Katsuki or Shinso. Sure he doesn’t hit the the nail on the head the same way Deku does but he’s the only one who has the guts and skills to try. Also he’s not that kinda friend, he’s not looking to a save these guys but pal around with them

I think Kami 100% realizes what a special case and tough nut to crack Bakugo is, I don’t think he’s just careless or too dumb realize his life’s at stake or whatever.

I think he’s purposely testing Bakugos boundaries all while trying to not be a threat to Katsukis actual ego and calling Bakugo out when he needs it in a way that not to serious. Kami knows how to be just goofy enough that he’s approachable. He’s also keyed in that the way to Bakugo is through Deku, meanwhile everyone else is stuck believing the opposite.

Kami also realized how important music is to Jiro and saw an opportunity to let her display her skills and combin the two worlds she lives, and he wasn’t afraid to get some back lash from her for it.

Like Deku Kami isn’t afraid to be uncomfortable. You really can’t teach that level of social ease, you can teach the posture and feed people a couple of lines but it’ll never hit the same. Funny approachable people have spent a lifetime learning the craft, usually out of necessity.

It’s actually what gives me the biggest adhd vibes from him, because adhd is (speculated to be) a dopamine deficiency disorder. People with adhd are constantly trying to raise their dopamine levels, and that means looking for praise and reward and nothing makes the human brain light up faster than postative human connections.

Adhd children struggle a lot with connecting with peers and often find making people laugh a fast way into people’s circles and makes it more likely people will overlook being interrupted or spaced out on.

Also adhd people are pretty much forced by their own brain structures to be genuine in all they do, low dopamine levels make it very hard to do things you don’t enjoy because there no promise of dopamine from the activity and you don’t have enough to spare, plus impulsiveness makes it really hard to not show when you do or don’t enjoy something.

I agree that Kami is also painted as overly perverted at times, he’s a little flirty but in a fun casual way but it’s not the foundation of his personality and it’s really mellowed out over the course of the series.

And while I subscribe to the bi hc from his interactions with Jiro and Shinso, we should all be very mindful that we don’t lump these characteristics together. The are separate facets of his personality that are not dependent on each other in anyway.

Kami deserves all the respect and love, I can’t wait to see our electric king again 🖤⚡️🖤

[deaddovecoterie]

thanks for letting me vent. so I've had a lot going on and I don't know how much I'll actually end up saying. this past week has seen me on cloud nine absolutely euphoric while simultaneously being super stressed about school. I found my first love and my favorite person. It was the best of times. the person then figured out a bit about themselves and that realization made us not work. first love and first heartbreak 6 days apart. who woulda guessed? I was sad that it was over, but we were on good terms and still planned on being friends. I took a lot of time that day to process my thoughts. I had just painted my nails for them earlier that day and was loving it. then it came down gently. the person was upset with themselves about it, said they felt terrible for the way things went, but I wasn't upset. I couldn't be, I loved this person and planned on telling them such soon. I wasn't upset, but they seemed to blame themselves nonetheless. they had been having a bad day that day. I fear it only made things worse. I wasn't upset with them in any way, especially because they said we would remain friends. I wasn't that sad because its not like I lost someone, we were still gonna be friends. I put a lot of effort into determining how I felt over the next several hours, and between that and the school stress I was exhausted, so I turned in for the night a few hours earlier than normal, and posted that I was doing as such because "today was a lot for me and I just want it to end" and then when I woke up they had blocked me. I'm worried it was my fault. I think they thought they had upset me or something, or they thought I was trying to guilt them, or that they felt bad about it like they had done something wrong. but they didn't do anything wrong, I don't blame them for what happened, I'm not upset about anything. but now I'm kinda hurt because they said we would be friends and now they have me blocked. I guess I just want to know if they're okay and I want to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure they had a valid reason, but I can't help but think that I must've done something wrong. I miss them and I at the very least want to assure them that I don't blame them and that they did nothing wrong and that none of this was their fault. thanks for letting me vent. sorry that this got so long. I will let you post this if you feel you want to respond, or don't. its honestly your call. you might even have a good idea as to who I am, and thats okay. you can address me if you feel you want to, feel free to let this just chill or even delete if you want to.

i originally wasn’t gonna answer this cause there’s just to much to unpack, but that’s also exactly why i’m responding to this

to be honest i do have some idea who this is and you’re obviously on anon for a reason so i won’t bother trying to follow up with who this is. that being said, because i think i know, i’m aware of the situation so hopefully you’ll read this and realize a few things

let’s start from the beginning i guess? first of all, i personally don’t think it’s possible to fall in love with someone in 6 days, especially someone you met on the internet. by the sounds of it you have no prior relationship experience which is likely why this didn’t work out for you but i’ll get to that later. your first mistake (from what i know) was that you were too clingy. it sounds like you smothered them and let them have little to no breathing room which, undoubtedly, make them feel trapped and pushed into a corner when you guys weren’t even official. it sounds like there was miscommunication on your end since they seemed to try and express where they stood (but they didn’t feel heard). this is the tricky part for me to get into because how i feel about this is clearly different than how you feel but that’s cause i’m not an emotional person when it comes to these things. i don’t want to invalidate your feelings because that would be unfair of me but i’m saying this as more of a reality check for you so here it is:

you guys weren’t even official. you were talking for 6 days and hadn’t even began to start dating. it sounds like you need to check yourself and your emotions because if this is how you deal with “heartbreak” after 6 days of only talking then you’re in trouble if you ever get dumped after being in a long term relationship. you need to learn how to respect boundaries and stop contacting their friends when they’ve made it obvious they no longer with to interact with you (i.e. literally blocking you)

anyway, to continue- though i can’t speak for them directly i know that this person doesn’t really blame themselves 😐 they knew boundaries had been pushed that they weren’t okay with and knew it was coming to an end for multiple reasons. you were moving way too fast and didn’t seem to understand that telling someone you l*ve them that soon is unbelievably abnormal and not something you say that early on. you were blocked because you apparently didn’t know how to handle something as insignificant as this and lingered on it and seemed to be partaking in a multi-day-long pity party instead of moving on. your heart was in the right place trying to support them but you were being overbearing and not letting them have any breathing room. they don’t blame themselves cause they didn’t do anything wrong from my pov to be completely honest. it’s hard to be friends with someone after that when they can’t seem to let go and move on. so that’s why

hope this gave u some clarity and shed some light on it for you (pls like this so i know you’ve seen it and can delete it)

[rwbyremnants]

WARNINGS: Just a lot of drama.

Yikesss sorry about this one for those of you who were expecting a lot of smut. Next time will be more fun I swear!

=Chapter 9

That night, Ruby was barely able to sleep. Their session had been beyond fantastic as usual, which usually left her exhausted enough to start napping in the car on the journey home; but this had been completely different. There were a few flirtatious comments between them both on their journey, but nothing more. And even when laying by Penny's side, she couldn't sleep. She just kept thinking about what had happened.

Winter liked her. She must have liked her. All this time, it had been right under her nose, she was just too blind to see it! And what did she do? Nothing. She bottled things up as usual, too scared of her own feelings or a sense of judgement to confess how she really felt. There was a possible relationship right there that would make her feel complete, the perfect complement to her emotional closeness with Penny, and she was too scared to grasp it.

No more, she said to herself. She was tired of lying awake in fear; she had to do something. Whether it helps or not, I have to tell her.

And the next day, she did. After dropping off her father at Yang and Weiss's, the nervous little brunette drove straight to Winter's. No prearranged session, no word of warning. Just her dropping in out of the blue. It was completely different from any contact she had with Winter before. When she knocked at the door, she could already feel her heart pounding.

"Just a moment," she heard distantly. There was a long pause, some approaching steps. Then she heard a gasp. "Ruby?!"

An instant later, the door was being unlatched and jerked open. There stood Winter, dressed in her usual business best. It looked as if she were about to leave for some meeting or other, even though she had yet to slip her heels on over her nylon-covered feet. Makeup already impeccable, she blinked slowly, baffled and waiting for an explanation.

"I need to talk to you." The look on her face spoke volumes about her desperation. She looked as though she had already been worrying for days – because she had. "Is this a good time? Or should I…?"

"Well… I have about fifteen minutes, I was just going to head out a little early. Come in, come in."

To drive the point home, she stood back and opened the door a little wider. Doing as asked, Ruby paced inside immediately. If it was anything minor, she would have arranged to come back another day, especially with Winter seeming to have plans. But she was in need. Right away, she walked into the living room, standing rather than sitting just yet.

"Sorry to show up so out of the blue like this."

"My red rose out of the blue," Winter joked with a quiet smile, picking up her heels and sitting in the chair. "Go ahead. What's up?"

"W-well…" Before she entered the door, she had rehearsed this in her head. Exactly what she would say, possible responses and outcomes. Now…

Blank. Her mind was completely and utterly blank. Why did she even come here in the first place? She clearly wasn't ready, not for this.

No! she told herself, shaking her head again. You can NOT do this again, Ruby Rose! You have to say something now – or no more cookies for a week! Swallowing, she continued to stand by Winter's sofa, staring outward rather blankly. "I-I've… been thinking. About our arrangement, what it means to us both."

"Have you?" Winter asked mildly as she pulled one shoe on. Carefully, as if knowing that Ruby was having trouble and that the best thing she could do for her was to be indifferent; to not overreact.

"Y-yes." Nerves were getting to her again. Not even a few seconds into the confession and she was already beginning to feel that she couldn't continue. Powering through, however, she looked back toward Winter. "The way you treat me… i-it's different, from how other Doms treat their subs. I saw in the club, they treat them as their friends, or casual hookups. The nice ones still care, sure, but they don't seem to go… above and beyond. And like… the more sessions we do, the more I begin to realise… y-you treat me like Blake would treat Sun. Still as a Dom, but… more. There's more set up, more care. You go over the moon and back to impress me with everything, make sure I’m safe, a-and happy."

Slowly, as she had continued speaking, Winter's eyebrows drew together. She had picked up the other heel, but it simply lay in her hands as she processed Ruby's words. Finally, she shrugged and tried to respond as best she could.

"That's because you are more than that to me. You're a friend, and a family member. And… I care about you very much. You're right that if it was purely a Dom-sub arrangement with someone I only know from The Clamp, I wouldn't be quite as caring; professional, and considerate, yes. And I'd definitely stop them from winding up in Cinderella's clutches regardless," she added with a frown.

"It's not just about Cinderella," she pushed ahead, finally finding herself sitting on the arm of Winter's sofa. Looking down a moment, she seemed to think a little longer before speaking up again. "You bought so much for our scenes, spent so much on me, just for a little fun. You brought a chapter of a book and film I love to life, for God’s sake!"

Again, Winter had to blink, before laughing - it was the kind of unsure laughter of someone who doesn't know what to think about what they're hearing. "But… but that was what you wanted, wasn't it? Is that what this is about, worrying about the cost? I told you, that doesn't matter to me. Seeing you happy is worth it."

"N-no. That's just it!" Looking straight at her instead, it seemed she was finally coming to the conclusion of their small talk. "You do all this, just for me. You do everything to make me happy… and it does make me happy, happy someone cares about me so much. But I can't help but feel that…" Moment of truth. The first phase of her confession, finding out how Winter felt…

"That you care about me as more than a friend. More than a family-in-law member."

The elder of the Schnee sisters didn't respond at first. She simply stared at the coffee table between them, trying to process what she was being asked-but-not-asked. Or, perhaps more accurately, trying to find how she was going to respond to it.

"Well… I… don't know what's making you think that. Is there something wrong with me wanting to treat you well? To show that you're not just some sub? That may be true, but the way you're saying it… is it such a bad thing to care about you?"

"No, it's not at all!" It seemed not to have come out how she intended. Not only did Ruby gain no knowledge, she had potentially insulted her. That was the last thing she wanted. Now was her only chance. "What I'm getting at I-is… I-I care about you, too. A hell of a lot! And the more I've been thinking about it, the more I've been realising - I care about you more than I would an average friend, even best friend. You're… on the same level as Penny." Swallowing one last time, she finally managed to find the courage. "What I'm trying to say is that… That I-"

But there was a clear clattering of the lock again at the door, one loud enough to stop her in her tracks. The worst thing was the voice that accompanied the sound – one that seemed familiar.

"Snowbird, you in? I have had a real crappy day, I swear to God."

Eyes flying wide, she turned to Ruby and hissed in a low but urgent voice, "I need you to go hide immediately. I'm sorry, but if our arrangement really does mean anything to you… this is very important. Go!"

"B-but-!" Another shush from Winter stopped the thoughts in their tracks. Doing as asked, Ruby made a quick dash for the bathroom, slowly shutting it behind her so there wasn't too much noise. What was going on? Curiosity got the better of her; she she pressed her ear against the door to listen in.

"Customers, they are fuckin' jerks. Bar told me to go home early cause they could tell I was too pissed off not to take it out on some random sap."

"That's a shame," Winter was saying. Her voice was slightly more strained than usual, but not by much. "I know you like that job most days of the week. You… haven't been partaking of their stock again, have you?"

"Nah, we just got a bachelor party. Told them they had too much, they got pissy. Nearly picked a fight with me, I swear. But home now…"

By this point, Ruby knew she recognised that voice. There was no way it could be who she thought it was… could it? She needed to know. Gently easing the door further open, she slowly looked through the crack, revealing it to be…

Exactly who she dreaded it was. There stood a salt-and-pepper haired man, who had just wrapped his arms around Winter. The man who pulled her close to him and was smirking suggestively was one of the worst people she could ever see in this situation.

Her Uncle Qrow. Winter was living with her uncle.

“Now, now,” Winter cooed, her voice pitched so low that Ruby couldn’t have heard it if the door were closed. It wasn't quite affectionate in the way of a girlfriend, but more like… the term "fuckbuddy" that Yang liked to use seemed applicable. "You know I don't have time for this; I'm off to a meeting. I didn't think you'd be home now, anyway."

"Awwww, you sure they can't wait twenty minutes? You know it only takes me that long to make you scream." Smirking downward at her, he gave her a light grasp on the backside. "Especially if that bed frame of yours is involved, hmm?"

This was even worse for Ruby. Not only was she having to deal with the knowledge that one day, her uncle could walk in on them in any moment, but now… it seemed they were both sleeping with the same woman. While Winter had been her Dom, she had still been with her uncle! That crossed all kinds of awkward lines!

Winter's giggle and "Ooh" didn't help matters much. But then she did say, "Tonight. Just corral your horses for the time being, and we will revisit this when I'm back." Then, as an afterthought, she cleared her throat and said, "Why don't you take a little nap? Might help you relax after work… be ready for plenty of action later."

Qrow only seemed to chuckle, even if he was retracting from her grip. "You're telling me to be a lazy ass today? Wow, are you feeling okay?"

"Fine, fine. You've earned it for tonight." In return for him squeezing her behind, she delivered a quick swat to his. "Get in there and relax a bit. I have to be off, anyway."

"I’ll spare myself that kind of relaxing, if you wanna do a scene later. I know you’re happy when it's extra hard." Still, he obediently followed the request. He headed straight for the spare bedroom, thankfully not noticing the slightly ajar bathroom door and little Ruby's eye peeking through it, watching his every movement.

Her own uncle… Winter had been living with him for months. None of this was mentioned, and yet, it was still going on. This was madness! Sick!

The minute the bedroom door shut, Winter started pacing down the hall, as if to open the door. But when she saw it was already open and Ruby was peering through, she waved at her to come out - while her other hand raised a finger to her lips, cautioning her to be quiet.

She would have been, anyway. More from shock than anything else. She was still trying to take everything in that had just happened. Qrow, all this time she had no idea it was Qrow. Nor did she have any idea that they were doing scenes together, something she should have probably guessed when they were both in the same club! God, she felt stupid.

Once they were back in the living room, she pointed toward the bedroom, talking in a hushed voice, "Qrow?! My Uncle Qrow?!"

"Ah," Winter breathed. Her expression had already been strained from the near-miss… but now it fell entirely. "So… you recognised him."

"Of course I recognised him! The man more or less raised me with Dad for over ten years!" Now that Ruby was beginning to come to terms with it, she was becoming more angry than anything else. A mixture of angry and sad. Even if she was keeping her volume down, it was obvious. "Why didn't you tell me that he's living here?! That you and him are a thing, too?! That's kinda something you oughtta tell his niece before you start any hanky panky!"

"Let's discuss this on the way to my car," Winter whispered as she moved to pick up her briefcase again. Her actions were highly anxious, but she was trying her best to remain calm. "Otherwise, he may come out to see why I haven't left yet, and perhaps I'm wrong, but I think you'd rather not have this discussion with both of us."

While she wanted to continue ranting, that was a fair point on Winter's behalf. The last thing they needed was for Qrow to know this was happening, as well; that would be awkward for both of them to explain. Reluctantly agreeing, she walked ahead to the door, waiting outside of it for Winter to follow.

Once on the other side, Winter locked the door and began speaking the moment she turned away from it. "So you do have a fair point. I know that… because of the familial situation, maybe I should have told you. On the other hand, it wasn't really any of your business."

"Wasn't any of my- that's my UNCLE!" she repeated again, without holding herself back on volume this time. She remembered her apartment was soundproofed, so there was no chance of him hearing. But didn't exactly realise the rest of the building was not. "It may not be my business normally, but like, isn’t this kind of a different situation?! You just kept banging my uncle and tried to make sure I never noticed!"

Taking off at a fast clip, Winter led the two of them to the elevators as she hissed, "Exactly. Because my arrangement with him is no one's business whatsoever. Just like mine and yours isn't his business, either. That's how this is supposed to work, you know."

"Don't lecture me on how this is supposed to work!" she snapped back. Regardless of the fact she quite honestly wanted to get away from Winter right now, she entered the elevator, keeping right to one corner and out of the way. But from her scowl, she was still livid. "I thought 'None of your business' meant somebody like Sun or Blake! I didn't realise that meant 'Family members included'!"

"He is a friend. To me. Don't forget, he's your uncle, not mine." Sighing, she thumbed the button and they began to descend to the parking levels. "Look. I am sorry that you finding this out upset you, but I stand by what I said; you didn't have any more right to this knowledge than he does. Maybe I should have thought through the discomfort of the situation a little more and been more careful, but that's not the same as saying I was obligated to disclose."

"No, you're not. But like, maybe you should have considered how I'd feel about it before you started training me! Especially if… If you really…" She couldn't even finish that sentence anymore. Now that this information had come to light, she didn't know what to think. As much as she wanted to ignore it all, simply push it to the back of her mind and ignore it had all happened, she couldn't. This was far too big to sweep under the rug.

When Ruby didn't go on, she sighed. "What? So now you think I don't care about you just because I have arrangements with other people? It's not even as if you and Qrow are my only 'clients'; Glynda, for one, has asked me to put her through a few more sessions. And there are others I haven’t told you about, because it’s not pertinent to you and I. The whole point of this not being personal is that it's not supposed to be personal! And before you get any ideas, no, I didn't intend to ‘collect’ an uncle and a niece; it wasn't something that tickled my fancy, and I never thought of you while with him, or him while with you. And I am very serious about that."

"Well maybe I came today to make it a little more personal!"

In that moment, silence fell. All she could do was take a few deep breaths to calm down. While before she was filled with anger and sadness, now that they had come to this crossroads, she felt something else: fear. This definitely wasn't how she was supposed to confess her feelings…

"Yes, I remember," Winter breathed softly. "But… obviously I can't take that to heart yet. Now that this has changed the discussion." Regret was heavy in her features as the elevator doors slid open, and she began walking through the garage. Continuing to follow, Ruby made her way toward her little red car that looked inferior compared to the rest of the vehicles in the garage. How fitting with her current emotions.

Before she completely parted ways with Winter, however, she spoke up again. "So that's it? I just accept it and we don’t change anything, me and him hiding from each other and I have to deal?"

"Why not?!" Winter burst out, stopping in her tracks to glare at Ruby. "What's wrong with the way things have been until now? Everyone got what they wanted! I… may have wanted more, but I was satisfied, and so were you, and so was Qrow! What’s the harm?!"

Glaring right back at her, she was barely able to hold her tears back anymore, feeling the odd one or two falling down her cheek. "The harm is I thought you liked me! Liked me enough to let me know this was a thing, anyway! Of course I feel weird about it! You'd feel weird if I was sleeping with your dad, or with Weiss, wouldn't you?!"

"RIGHT!" Winter burst out, striding right up to Ruby, face livid. The mask of calm she always seemed to wear was now gone, and the sheer level of fury was all the more startling for it. "Because I have no idea what it's like to have family and sexual escapades get a little too close for comfort, DO I? You wouldn't do that to ME! Oh no, of COURSE not!"

"THAT ISN'T FAIR!" She yelled right back, hands curling into fists to try and hold in her anger. "You can't do that! It’s not my fault that you went through all that shit! Don't you throw that at me!!!"

"YOU FUCKED ME IN FRONT OF MY FATHER!" Her chest was heaving, eyes wild. Ruby took a step back when she realised what they were talking about: not some old issues about her prostituting herself to protect Weiss. No, not that; something much more recent. "I bet you haven't had a bad night's sleep about it since you did it! Have you?! Never once cared, never… didn't consider that maybe you shouldn't have done that, even though I was clearly aroused! Have you?!"

The younger girl’s lip wobbled for a second as she dealt with the storm of emotions threatening to make her burst into tears. "WRONG! I haven't slept, not one wink! And since that time, barely at all, because I thought that… thought that you loved me as much as I love you! You have no idea-"

"I DO, Goddamn you! Even after that, after y-you poisoned my dreams, I still…" Now Winter's tears were falling as well. "How am I supposed to be in the same room as him ever again?"

Stopping in her tracks, Ruby waited right by her car door. She hadn't unlocked it yet, and for good reason. Winter was really hurt, about that? She had assumed that was something that she had enjoyed, given her response to it in the midst of their play, but now upon realising it was damaging…

"Holy shiz, I… Winter, oh my God, I'm sorry," she said quietly. "You didn’t say- okay, I know that doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt. I'm sorry I fucked up, okay? But that doesn't… doesn't mean I'm not hurt still by this. I know I shouldn't… but I just feel… feel inferior."

"Well, you shouldn't." Winter pushed a hand into her face, letting out a laugh that was more like a sob. "Now I'm going to have to fix my makeup before the meeting." Waving away that observation, she stood straighter, looking down at Ruby with a wrung-out, haunted expression.

"You think if anyone else had done what you did to me while I was talking to him, I would have pushed through it? Would have continued play? I would have kicked them out of my life completely. Never to come back. It's just… maybe, if we had discussed it beforehand, it would be another story. But you made an assumption that because I was still turned on from our play before he came in, that you could just… start in on me. And I thought I could handle it, so I didn't really try to stop you, and then…" Her head hung. "And then I was too ashamed of enjoying it to ask. I didn't want to admit it was happening, or… I don't know."

Now sadness was starting to return with a vengeance. She didn't even want to look at Winter in that moment. Seeing the damage she had done would be far too much for her heart. She had come to settle things, to pursue an incredible relationship; this was the last thing she wanted. To not just have muddled things, but to have learned she had hurt her in their previous session. She couldn't take that.

"I really am sorry," she repeated, finally unlocking the door of her car. "I-I… I don't deserve you. I'm sorry I ruined everything."

And with that, she got in, belting up and starting it before she could even reply. She needed to get back home, somewhere she could deal with her feelings.

But Winter wasn't quite finished, it seemed. Through the pane of glass and over the roar of the engine, she could just barely hear, "Ruby? Ruby, I…" And then more words that weren't loud enough.

Not loud enough to stop her. As tempting as it was to turn back, Ruby stuck to her intent, driving past Winter and out to the main road. She wanted to look back, but knew the pain would only be too great if she did. Through tearful eyes, she made her way home.

----------------------------

Penny had just returned from a job interview herself. Everything had gone quite well; they really responded well to her attitude and politeness, and said they were excited to contact her soon! Her mood felt impenetrably positive. Maybe their lives were about to go smoothly, after all.

That was, until she heard the tires squealing and the car screeching to a halt in the driveway. Someone else was not having quite as good a day. Soon enough, the door swung open. Ruby was certainly glad that she had dropped her father off before all this began; she couldn't deal with him right now. All she wanted to do was lay down and cry.

And that's what she did. Assuming that her girlfriend was still out, she went straight to the living room, throwing herself across the sofa and snatching the nearest cushion, cuddling into it as closely as she could and began to let the tears flow. Finally she could sob as loudly as she wanted, out of view from anyone who would judge her too harshly.

At least she assumed so. It was several minutes before Penny approached from the kitchen, walking softly enough in her socks that she wasn't heard. But she finally whispered in a fearful tone, "Ruby?"

Ruby gasped. Sniffing and wiping away the few tears, she turned to face her, just managing to strain her voice. "H-hey. I didn't know you were back."

"You don't have to pretend you weren't crying for me," Penny told her very simply as she knelt by the couch. "What's the matter?"

Joining Penny was a small grey Corgi, tail wiggling away as he looked up at her. Seemed he too could sense something was wrong. Mostly in need of something to cuddle other than a cushion, she shifted over on the sofa to sit upright. After picking up Zwei to place him on her lap, she patted the space by her side, inviting Penny up.

"Things went… really wrong."

Penny did join her, sliding an arm around the small of her partner's back. "In what way?"

While her hands were occupied with Zwei, she leaned against Penny instead, nuzzling her head right into her neck as she sniffed again. She barely even knew where to start! "So many, Penny. I… I fucked up. Badly."

"Shhh, shhh," Penny soothed her, hand petting along her back. "You're okay. It's okay, I'm sure you didn't mean to do whatever you did. I know you better than that, Ruby."

"I did though…" Sniffing again, she tried to nuzzle even closer. "It was something I did… I pushed the limits, I went too far…"

And with that, she went on to explain everything. She explained the session, where she had managed to get Winter off with her father right there in the room. She then explained what happened when she went over to tell her how she felt, how it turned out Winter's roommate was Qrow all this time, and how he was also doing sessions with her. In the end, she ended up crying again, whimpering as she cuddled Zwei closer.

Penny let her weep for some time before she bothered to respond. Minutes had gone by with her doing no more than shushing her and petting along her back. When Ruby's voice finally got a little less distraught, her sobs quieter, she spoke up.

"So… I promise I will try to be impartial. You both have very good points."

"I completely screwed it up, Pen," she confessed, sniffing once more. "How could I be so selfish? I should have asked her before doing that. And with Qrow I… I don't even know."

"You should have asked, yes. Personally, I find the idea of doing that in front of anyone's relatives to be disgusting, but I understand it was the heat of the moment… and that for other people, it's not the same as for me." She was being completely matter-of-fact, never taking her hand away from Ruby's back as she explained her point of view.

"I know… I know I just… I wasn't thinking. I guess I…" Blinking again, she didn't know what to really say. There was no defence for her actions; she crossed the line, that was that. "I guess I was trying to prove that I'm brave, a-and sexy? Not some… some little girl who thinks she’s grown up just because I’m over twenty-one."

"I'm sure she doesn't see you as a little girl, Ruby." Kissing the top of her head, Penny went on, "As for Qrow, I can see both sides of the issue. I don't really think either one of you is 'wrong' in this situation. Even if Winter should have considered telling you to make sure no one was left feeling uncomfortable, it wasn't an obligation; from what I understand, most Dom-sub relationships have sort of an unwritten 'non-disclosure agreement', don't they?"

"But my uncle?!" Thankfully, Ruby had calmed down a little more. Being nuzzled up to her girlfriend while having a warm pooch on her lap was certainly helping. Idly petting through his soft fur, she sighed. "I know it's dumb. But it just makes me think dumb things. What if she was sleeping with my dad? With Yang? I thought… thought she would understand why I was flipping out."

"I'm guessing that she expected you would feel this way if you found out. So she didn't tell you." Shrugging, Penny also reached over to scratch Zwei's flank. "But I definitely understand your feelings. If I found out my partner was sleeping with anyone in my family, I… well, I honestly can't say how I would react. But I wouldn't be thrilled."

"It's not the whole idea of 'I've put my mouth where my uncle’s dick has been', like I think she thinks. Like, that’s definitely gross, but she can sleep with who she wants." There was no other way to put it, as much as she wanted to word it better for Penny. Sighing as she scratched behind the dog's ear, she looked at the ground blankly. "It's… different. I can't explain why, or how, but it's the feeling that I’m not good enough, or something, so she needs someone else. Is that weird to think?"

Frowning, Penny turned to her. "But didn't you say she told you that she cares for you, after all? I mean, I know it was in the middle of an argument, but it's still her feelings."

"I know… but why should she care now?" Able to feel the tears returning again, she moved one of her hands to Penny's shoulder, using it to hug her move closely. "She said she cared, I told her I want more, she wanted the same… but I more or less spat in her face and made it all about me. I don't deserve love after that."

"What are you saying? Of course you deserve love!" With a quiet sigh, she embraced Ruby back, nuzzling into her head. "Of course you were both upset about this happening, and an argument occurred. Maybe in a few days, when things have calmed down-"

"I don't think so, Penny," she whimpered. The hand on her shirt began to grip tightly as she took in a few more shaky breaths. "If she poured her heart out to me and I cared only about myself; then what good would I be to her? I'm surprised you put up with me sometimes…"

"Don't do that to yourself," Penny admonished gently. "You were very upset. I understand that, and Winter probably did, as well. But if you want to take some time away… I will understand that, too. This is a unique situation." Kissing her head again, she added in a soft whisper, "And I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry."

Another few shaky breaths, and Ruby found herself leaning against Penny fully. The grip on her shirt loosened again, now that she was positive Penny wouldn't be leaving any time soon. Still, she wasn't in the mood to make herself feel any better. "I seriously don't know why you put up with me… I vent to you about all this stuff that shouldn't matter, about other people, other sexual situations. God… I just feel so selfish."

"And I didn't want you to start dating Winter. That felt very selfish. Human beings are selfish creatures, Ruby. Being selfless isn't the goal; it's to acknowledge your selfish desires as what they are, and work past them. That's all we can hope to do."

"You… didn't?" Taken aback, Ruby backed away from her lover for a moment, looking her in the eyes. "Then… why did you let me? I asked you if you were okay with it, and you said ‘yes’. Are you… really not okay with it?"

Penny laughed at her confusion and fear, but it was a gentle laugh. "Yes, I am. Because I want you to be happy. But that's not the same as wanting you to date her. Like if you donate blood; you don't actually want someone to stab you with a needle and drain part of you away. But you do want the other person to have the blood they need. That's far more important than worrying about your own momentary discomfort." In an undertone, she added, "Which is why I try to get to the Red Cross a few times a year."

"But… me having feelings for her…" Shuffling a little more was enough to prompt Zwei to finally hop off her, scampering straight into the kitchen afterwards. Ruby continued to look at Penny, still checking. "You know that means I'd be treating her the same as you, right? As in, romantically? That's what… what I meant when I asked."

"I see." Debating inwardly for a moment, she said, "Would you treat me as lesser than Winter? As inferior to her?"

"No way!" she reassured, finding herself gripping her shoulder again. "Absolutely not. You'd both be the same. Sure, I'd see you more, because I want to live with you; but neither of you will be inferior, I could never do that to you."

"Then why would I have a problem with that? You're happy, and you care about me the way I care about you. That's fine with me. Even if you end up dating three other women, as long as I don't get forgotten, I see no reason to be upset."

Continuing to stare a moment, Ruby was close enough to tears again. She really did have the perfect girlfriend, even if she didn't have Winter in the end. Perhaps there was still a chance, but perhaps not. Either way, Penny would be by her side. She leaned forward, kissing her lips firmly. Penny didn't hesitate in the slightest to return the kiss, pulling Ruby in as close as was possible. Grateful to have her home, and to have helped console her at least somewhat. Her hands drifted up and down her back, then settled into squeeze her even tighter.

When they broke apart, Penny whispered, "Listen. Whether or not anything was anyone's fault, you've obviously had an upsetting day. Why don't you sit back and let me make you some chicken soup and a grilled cheese sandwich? I won't even make you eat Daiya this time!"

"When you cook it, Daiya tastes fine! It's just when I try it… Well, the bathroom got a few visits from me." She hesitantly began to let her go, but before Penny could leave the room, she asked, "Maybe we could put on a movie too? I think Frozen is on Netflix…"

The ginger shook her head as she stood up, smiling. "You always reach for Disney when you're down. Set it up while I get cooking." Once reaching the door to the kitchen, she looked back. "And Ruby?"

Just as she fetched the remote and sat back down, she looked back toward her girlfriend. "Yeah?"

In her usual, oddly formal singing voice, she started singing, "I love you more today, than yesterday…" Even once she had backed into the kitchen, she kept going: "But not as much as tomorrow…"

Her girlfriend belting out oldies was all it took for Ruby to finally smile again. And she did as she nuzzled back down in the sofa, setting up Netflix. At least now Ruby was in lighter spirits, she could focus on what they were to do in the future; what she should do in regards to Winter. That was, if she even wanted to pursue her after this.

But at least Penny was still with her, and didn’t even hate her for figuring out she might be polyamorous. That would see her through anything to come.

----------------------------

Winter was exhausted down to the bone by the time she returned from her meeting. Everything had gone quite swimmingly; a new and promising young singer looked to be interested in signing to their label. That was good for business.

And so what if she had lost Ruby? It had never been a truly permanent arrangement. The whole idea was only to train her to be a better sub and then hand her off to another, trustworthy Dom. There was no sense in getting upset about it.

Except there is, an inner voice kept whispering. You liked her. You both liked each other a great deal…

Shaking her head, she stepped off the elevator and strode purposefully to her apartment door. Working herself up about it again would solve nothing. It didn't before the meeting, when she bawled in the car and made herself even later by having to touch up her makeup again, and there was no evidence that it would now.

Sat on the sofa by the time she got back was her roommate. As usual, with a bottle of non-alcoholic beer in his hand, and watching an old sitcom on TV. Nothing there had changed, at least. No doubt, however, she would have wished he was in bed, rather than sat there to remind her of the offer she had given before she left.

But that reminder never came. Instead, he watched as she entered the room and kicked her shoes off, barely saying a word. Other than, "Good meeting?"

"Fine." The answer was curt and simple. Turning toward the kitchen, she asked, "Are there any more of those in the refrigerator?"

"I think there's a couple in there. None of the real stuff, though." Unusual. Winter never particularly enjoyed beer. That was one sure sign that something was wrong. But rather than pry for now, he shuffled to one side of the sofa, giving plenty of room for her to sit when she returned. "What's the occasion, Snowbird? Run outta wine?"

"Need something stronger, and I don't want to uncork a bottle, and deal with the cork potentially breaking or… or whatever." Plopping down next to him, she took a healthy swig. "Ohhh, what a day."

"Thought you said the meeting went well?" Right away, he put his arm down across the back of the sofa behind her. Although he made no attempt to pull her in just yet, he was clearly showing he was there for her somehow. "Wanna tell a dusty old Qrow about it?"

Though it was only scarcely bemused, she did snort at his remark. "Not particularly. I… think this is something I'll have to handle alone."

She had been raising her bottle again, but after speaking the last word, she hesitated. Froze in place. Looking toward her rather than the TV, he seemed to question things in his own head for a moment. That was until eventually, after another swig, he tilted his head.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with your little 'friend' in the bathroom earlier, would it?"

Slowly, her head swung around to point at him. "My… what?" Gulping, she looked away again. "What did you see?"

More than anything, Qrow was amused. That much was shown by the small smirk on his face. "I saw a beady little silver eye spying on me when I went back to my room. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't know too many people with silver eyes. Do you?"

Immediately, she lowered her head to look into the mouth of her bottle, trembling with the effort of keeping her reactions calm. "I see. So… you know. What's been going on."

For a moment, he tried to distract himself by swirling the bottle a few times. It wasn't a situation he cared to talk about too much, but now that it was in the open, there was no choice. It would do no good reacting the same way Ruby did. Instead, he let out the breath he was holding. "If it helps, I've known way longer than she has."

"What? You… how could you have? We were both very careful! What did we mess up? How did you know?"

Putting the bottle down on the coffee table rather than distracting himself any further, he shifted his position more to face her. "You were careful, but you forget I'm a veteran. I can't exactly shut off noticing the small things. Like a couple of missed calls and texts coming through while your phone's been on the table." Lowering his head slightly, he added, "Or seeing her in the parking lot a couple of times just before I headed to Tai's."

Her mouth flattened into a thin line for a moment. Then she whispered, "I might be angry with you for lingering to see who I was with… if I weren't clearly the villain of this story."

"I never lingered. I noticed," he corrected. Although as he shifted back into a comfortable position again, he confessed, "Only time it counts as snooping was when I listened after I saw that beady eye. Didn’t hear much, but I get the picture; you like her."

"Oh, did you follow us down to the garage?" Winter demanded. "That would be the only way you could have heard that part. We didn't discuss much in the apartment today."

"Winter, I'm not attacking you here," he reassured her, leaving a moment for her to calm down before he spoke again. "I heard how she was talking, then how you responded; it made sense. If you didn't like her that way, you'd just kick her out when she got pissy. Over and done with."

Looking down again, she contemplated his words. Took another swig to give herself more time. Then she whispered, "If you knew… then why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you confront me, tell me to stop? I'm… you should have heard her screaming at me. She hates me now."

It was a fair point. Why didn't he? All this time, he knew his niece was getting involved with his standing fuckbuddy, but never said a word. In fact, he left more often, made it easier for Ruby to come over – for them to have sessions.

"It's not my place to tell you what, or who, you do," he started, picking his own drink back up. "I figured she must be giving you something you need, considering you've been in much better moods for a while. You're doing it when I'm out and I’ve never had to even see you guys hug, let alone anything worse, so I see no problem here. It’s… a little weird, yeah, but could be worse."

"It doesn't matter now. But… I appreciate your discretion." The tears were falling, even though she had been clamping down on her emotions, straining to keep herself from letting anything through. "Sh-she's gone now, and… and you don't have to worry… because she hates m-me, and… it doesn't m-matter anymo- anym-mo-"

"Hey, hey, hey." Almost as soon as he had picked the drink up again he found himself having to put it back down to wrap his arms around her, pulling her into his welcoming grasp. No moment was spared before he ended up stroking her hair, remembering that was one of the few ways to calm her down completely. But from the shaking of her voice, he could tell she would need more than a simple hug.

"What's wrong with me?" she growled into his shoulder finally, at least two minutes later. "Why am I s-so… insane?! I hate myself, I can't even h-handle the only th-thing… I work, and I take care of her, and y-you take care of me, and I was happy, and n-now it's all wrong!"

"Nothing is wrong with you, ya hear me?" He continued to pet her hair, scratching gently at her scalp to help speed up the soothing process. "She'll get over it. Ruby doesn't hold grudges. She's just… she'll just be a li’l squirmy because she found out her uncle is still getting frisky in the sheets, that's all."

"I'm disgusting!" she half-screamed into his shirt. It seemed that now that she had let loose her emotions, they would keep coming relentlessly. "Y-you're family, I should never have let this happen! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I don't know what I thought, I just liked the way everything was! You're both so important to m-me!"

"Stop that." He couldn't bear to hear her talk about herself that way when she was already dealing with so much. Holding her head delicately, he pressed his lips against her forehead, leaving a gentle kiss there. "And you're important to both of us, even if she's a little upset. You're not disgusting. You're human, and so is she. You both make mistakes."

Shaking her head, she whispered, "I shouldn't have told her. I was never going to tell her how I felt, I… had to be ready to let her go when she w-wanted to move on. But I failed, she… she dragged it out of me." Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she pulled back a little to whisper, "I thought I learned my lesson after… after Yang… but I'm still trying to control everything…"

"Hey come on, this is hardly comparable to… that. She may be Yang's sister, but I very much doubt that kind of thing would happen again." After a while, he started to relax his hold on her, just enough to give her the freedom of laying however she wanted against him. "I know Rubes. She'll be fine after a while. Right now, she's in shock, but then she'll be all over you like white on rice once she realises she was an dope for reacting how she did. Give it a few days."

"Is she, though?" The corner of her mouth twitched up hopefully. Fearfully. "I… know it can't be the best news you've ever found out, that I'm sleeping with both of you. But you really didn't hate me for it?"

"I'm not exactly pleased, put it that way. But I'm not going to scream at you for it. Like I said, it's not my choice who you do." Though his own mouth began to twitch into a smile. "So long as it's not while I'm here, of course."

"It never has been," she swore to him, face completely serious. "It wasn't today, either; she… she came here unannounced. I didn't…" Her face fell again, but she didn't fall to crying again. Not quite. "It might be my own wishful thinking, but I'm almost positive she came purely to confess her feelings."

"Ah… well, that makes things a little more awkward," he admitted, scratching the back of his head as he thought. Although he and Winter were on closer terms than most Dom-sub relationships, it wasn't more than that. He could tell it wasn't on Ruby's level. "Well… what did you tell her?"

Pursing her lips, she sighed and said, "You came home before I got the chance to answer her properly. But… I think I let it slip when we were arguing." She looked away. "Not that it matters. I don't know anything about… those kind of feelings, anyway."

Tilting his head, Qrow went to swirl his own bottle of beer once more to check if there was enough in there to make it worth drinking. "The way you try to clean up my sorry ass all the time says otherwise. And I'm… well, me." He shrugged his shoulders, giving her a light smile. "Just because you've never had this sorta thing before doesn't mean you can’t. Or shouldn’t try."

Winter thought upon that while he drank, head down and expression strained. Turning to the side, she whispered, "I am… too broken to be that person for anyone. Even a second person for Ruby. You and I work because we don't expect those feelings from each other; friendship and blowing off steam, we can handle. I can handle." Her eyes began to stream, despite that she wasn't truly crying. "And it's selfish for me to want to be with someone who I can't give my heart to… since I don't have one."

Rather than reply with words, he instead looked straight at her. Then after a moment, he placed his free hand against her neck, caressing it gently. Checking something surreptitiously. "You got a pretty quick pulse right now for someone with no heart, then, you know that?"

"Don't make light of me!" she breathed, but there was no real power in her words. "I'm… rotted fruit, damaged goods! I know I'm not technically dead, but… but what's the point in trying to sell someone defective merchandise?!"

"You need to stop doing that to yourself, Snowbird." Seeing that wasn't working, he finished the last of his beer and set it down before wrapping his arms around her, pulling her close so he could cuddle and kiss her forehead again. "You went through a lot of shit; I know that, she knows that. But you’re blaming the wrong person; those guys are the broken assholes. You’re not ‘damaged goods’, you're a person; a person who made a mistake. A human."

Winter couldn't deny that his words made sense, even if they felt wrong in her heart. So she spent a few minutes simply crying up against his chest, drinking in the comfort he offered.

"She has Penny," was the simple statement she offered when she could. "I… don't know why she would want me, too. But… thank you for s-saying what you said."

"You really gotta stop putting yourself down," he repeated, still gently stroking her back and leaving the occasional kiss in her hair. "I mean it. You always talk about yourself in such a bad light… but there's a lot of good in you, Winter. Just wish you could see it."

"All that good is me trying to make up for all the bad." Taking a deep breath, she ran a hand through her hair. "And unless you really want to thrash me with the whip tonight, I… don't know if I'm up for anything. Sorry."

Another smile pulled at his lips as he pulled her in closer a moment, speaking sarcastically. "Oh no, we don't get to bang it out tonight because you're too upset. Oh woe is me, I'll have to get myself off before I go to sleep. What a cruel world."

Laughing against her own desire to do so, she said, "I'd help, but… for some reason, I don't think I should tonight. For her." Then she sighed, rubbing at his broad back through his shirt. "But you don't have to leave the room for it, if that'll help."

"Hey, you need a good cuddling before I need to strangle the snake. So that's what you're gonna get. Priorities." This time when he reached over, it was for the TV remote, which he held out to Winter. "So choose what we're watching, and we'll just lay here and let the rest of the planet worry about itself for a while, alright?"

Even as she was still settling in against him, she asked, "You really want to hang out with somebody this mopey?" When she got no answer, she went for a different question. "Are… you okay with Harry Potter?"

[imbellarosa]

Okay so every time people question individual lines of lyrics, all those BNFs in particular practically come at people's throats for merely asking a totally valid question. Look, I get it. I've been a Lit student. I get that you can't take everything literally bc often in poems esp, it's all a carefully constructed metaphor which you have to dig deep to understand. But in terms of lyrics, everyone is always prattling on about not taking it word for word, understanding it can refer to arguments

& just emphasising 'the whole picture' & DO NOT FOCUS ON THAT ONE LYRIC. But sometimes I am so lost, like with all those lyrics e.g. 'we were in love, now we're strangers' or 'Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too', what other way are you supposed to read them if not literally? I just don't understand. This is not a question craving reassurance that they're not broken up or whatever. I have faith in them, and I'm not looking for that. But really, at the end of the day,

3. I truly do not blame people for thinking that. I know all those BNFs LOVE to have their superiority complex and snub anyone who has doubts or asks questions about hl's lyrics bc gosh they've been there since day 1 and are NEVER wary/cynical of their lyrics bc hl are perfect & it's impossible they broke up (as if we actually know them??), but I get it. I don't have an anxiety attack over lyrics like that, I don't think they are broken up, but I am mystified as I mull over them to my wits end.

4. Alright whoops so I may have gone off a tangent (unexpectedly so) but I hope someone can at least see where I'm coming from. There was supposed to be a question in there haha but I just rambled on a lot. Since I admire your flair for reading lyrics like literature and really capturing the nuances of their writing in your analyses, I wanted to know, how do you deal with lyrics like that? What thoughts do you have and how do you read them more metaphorically when it seems far too literal?

hahahaha UR TRYING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE WITH OTHER FANS I SEE U ANON kasdjfkjdak but thats okay.  first of all i LOVE this rant let’s DISCUSS lyrics! I think there are two possible scenarios here, that we can explain in different ways, as long as we are in agreement that they at least fudged some parts of the truth. There was no two-year gap, just with the timeline, there was no uni, things like that. Those things have been shifted to fit with a narrative, and I get that - they’re storytellers! So, given that, I see two possibilities.

The first possibility is what I call Operation: Superman. By day, these guys are Superman, flying around, flashing their ability, being a rock star. By night, they’re mild mannered reporter Clark Kent who just wants to go on a date with their pretty coworker (I actually really love this metaphor lmao). This means that, just like Clark Kent (or Lois Lane I think she did most of the writing), the feelings behind the words they write are true (”Superman strives to be a symbol of hope, truth and justice”) while the actual words written (”Superman is an unidentified alien who likely is *insert massively untrue thing here* irl”). For these guys, that might mean that “We were in love, now we’re strangers” translates into “people used to see that we’re special to each other, and now they see us as strangers” (lmao @ the story that they wrote perfect in separate rooms), and “maybe one day you’ll call me, and tell me that you’re sorry, too” could translate into “we really got into it, and this feels like a delicate moment, and you SUCK at saying sorry, and I wish you would, because you were wrong, too”. Heartbreak comes in many different forms, and using one kind of grief to write about another is a tactic that I’ve used a lot in the past for my own healing process. So maybe that FEELING of being alone and lost and desperate for someone to reach out and see you is real, but the situation (i.e. ‘this is about a break up’) is made up. Goodness knows that much more has been made up for much less, and this way, no one knows who Superman really is. 

The second possibility is that they broke up for a period of time. Looking at some of the more extensive archives, if i had to guess when, I would say that it was likely Feb 2016-Oct/Nov 2016? Because Louis has talked quite a bit about how when his mother took a turn for the worse, his partner was really there for him, and how it brought them closer, and the lessons it taught him about being a partner. Let’s be clear: “we were having a hard time and they stepped up and we became stronger because of it” does not have to mean “we were on a break” - it could totally mean ‘we were fighting a ton and had no clue what would be next and it wasn’t fun anymore’. But if we take it to be that they were on a break, then the lie isn’t ‘we broke up’ the lie is ‘i was broken up with someone for a few years’. 

I can see the arguments for and against both of these possibilities, and idk which I’m more inclined to believe. Sometimes I’m like “they’re Superman!” and other times I think “eh, they probably did take a break in there somewhere”. So the way I look at the lyrics is as if the whole thing was a story, and I look at them in context of the larger story.:

The first step is “what is literally being said in this song”

The next one is “what is the theme of this song/the emotion driving it, and what does that say about the person writing it”

the third one is “where does this fit in the time it was written? who would have influenced the song? what was happening at the time?” 

And from that, just like from any book, we can build an analysis. I *really* feel that answering those three questions can tell you what you need to know about how literal any given song is! We can even do a quick run through - let’s do ‘Miss You’:

The song is literally saying that they miss the person they’ve been with for a long time, and that they wish they could go back to what they used to be 

The emotions driving the song are regret, loneliness, bitterness, and longing 

They were massively pushing ‘ reformed (ish) party boy Louis’ at the time, and the song fits that narrative well. When the song was released (Dec 2017) , he’d just gotten back together with Eleanor (Feb [?] 2017)so it would have been a reflection of that time they spent apart, and how he felt when he was alone. Given that we know he’s not actually dating Eleanor, we can assume that they narrative and the things that push that might also tilt towards “not literally true”. The song was written by 7 people, and any number of people could have taken the emotions driving the song and come up with different lines, and Louis could have connected with those lines for different reasons, some of them being more literal, and some more emotional/metaphorical. 

And then, taking all those components, you decide on what you think is the most likely read of that song. I can’t tell you what to think things are about, you know? No one can! I can only tell you what *I* think makes most sense when you put art in the context in which it was written, because nothing is ever created in a bubble.  

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty good day. But I woke up with some really bad anxiety. I first got up around 5:30 and try to fall back asleep. I was able to doze at least until around 6:30. But then I got up. I got dressed and I told James I just couldn't you in the house right now. I had to go and clean the old apartment. I was just dealing with too much stress and I couldn't wait till this afternoon.

So I biked to the old place. And I clean the fridge and I took out the rest of the trash. I just tried to do what I could to make myself feel better. I called James because I felt overwhelmed and he told me he would come back later in the day and finish cleaning and do a video walkthrough for me. That made me feel a bit better. Felt like I had some help. Please just spoke so dusty and I couldn't handle it. And I just needed help.

I called my dad and talk to him for a little. Told him a little bit more about the new place and the plan for coming to visit next week. And it was nice. I calmed down enough and I still have almost an hour until I really needed to be at the Museum.

So I decided to bike over to the new place. I looked around to the front and back of the building. Saw that there is a swing set over at the park that we're going to be across the street from. So that's exciting. I love swing set. And then I figured out the best way to get downtown.

And that was really easy actually. There's only one part where there's a little bit of a hill. But it's not a bad Hill and it was a pretty comfortable ride. I'm really excited to move. I'm hoping that maybe while I'm gone for a few days James will take some initiative and just do some of it. But we'll see. We both have pretty full schedules this week and then I go to the beach and I'm going to go see my parents and I'm glad we have the flexibility to kind of move as a process. But I also just desperately want to be over there and I'm packing and putting things away. I am so sick of all the little piles of stuff we have in this apartment. I just want to put it away.

I got down to the museum around 8:30. So I went to McDonald's and got breakfast. I ate it there. And took my time.

It was a really nice day though. I got to talk to some really interesting people. I only gave one actual tour but I went through the museum and would show people stuff and tell stories. I cleaned and organized the back office area. Help Kate bring some stuff up to the office is on the other side of the building. The ones I don't go up to very often. It was nice.

It was mostly very chill day. Around 1:30 ish I went over to Chipotle and got nachos. I came back and had half of them. I think I'm going to bring the other half to school tomorrow. And then at 2 I gave my one big tour of the day.

And man was it a doozy. I knew it was going to be emotional because of all the presidential comments about Baltimore yesterday. And I wasn't as emotional as I thought I was going to be I was angry. Because there was a couple on our tour who were tourists. And the guy could not stop interrupting to make disparaging comments about Baltimore. Overall it was a very good tour. I got to tell my stories and there was comments and questions and the tour lasted a little over an hour. I had this one young couple who is considering coming here for college and they were just so sweet. But that one guy interrupted me when I got into my reasons I love Baltimore part of my tour and he really upset me. Thankfully everyone else in the car kind of jumped on him when he said that Baltimore was the most crime ridden place in America. And I just looked at him and I said no. Here are the reasons you are wrong about the Baltimore Community. The reasons it's a good place. The reasons it has been disenfranchised and the ways that the community is trying to make it better. And by saying that horrible stuff about it it's not helping anything and it's just mean.

Thankfully I had some really nice people to talk to after the tour that had questions and positive things to say. And I got to gush about Baltimore then. Uninterrupted by negativity.

But because my Torrid of a little bit longer than I planned to have you had to wait to have her lunch. I feel bad about that. But you put me in charge of the register and I had not done that at the BMI yet. So it was scary. But it's the same POS system as over at ships so it was fine. I did have some trouble with the credit cards and had to hand type them in because I couldn't figure out how to use the scanner but I sold it and I sold two tickets on a t-shirt. Very proud of myself. I am now trained to work at the front desk.

I left there a little bit before 4. And man it was hot outside. I ended up liking back to the harbor but the sun was so bright I just wanted to go be inside somewhere so I went to Marshalls. I needed to buy jean shorts anyway.

As I was coming up the escalator there was a credit card at the top of the stairs. A man saw it and he reached down to pick it up and I said oh no that's not a good thing to lose. And then I look to the side and there's and insurance card and a driver's license. I was like oh no and then someone said I think that's her over there. So I went to go ask but it wasn't she just had similar hair. So we gave them to the security guard and hoped for the best.

While it was over looking at the clearance stuff I found the girl. And she had already gotten it from the security guard and she thanked me and it was great. I heard her on the phone on the other side the rack telling the person that I was a sweet lady who found her stuff and she basically lost her entire life somehow and felt very stupid was so happy that I found it and not somebody who was mean.

And I found my shorts. They fit me very well but they do have that weird holes distressing thing happening in it. So I think I'm going to put some colorful fabric underneath of it for like a cool effect. But they fit me so good I couldn't turn them down for $12.

I left there and biked home. I took kind of a funny way and was just kind of exploring. But I got back here around 5.

I put some stuff away. Water the plants because they all looked sad. I had a succulent clipping that had rooted, so I planted that. First time I've ever tried this. And then I took a bath. I put olive oil in my hair because my scalp is so dry and now I'm just kind of hanging out. James has a meeting that's supposed to be over at 7. So he'll probably be home soon. So I'm just eating crackers. Tomorrow I have a half day of camp. Because I have to go to my apartment walk through. I am so anxious over this. I hate it. I feel like the last apartment walkthrough I had went so simple and so easy just look around it was like a cool. And then even with the U-haul pick up the guy just looked at said okay cool and signed off. I'm hoping that this will be the same thing. We cleaned it looks great on video but it's probably still Dusty because everything's Dusty. So I'm just hoping that whoever from the maintenance company comes is nice. And doesn't make me feel horrible about everything because I already feel horrible and everything. And I hate that I have to leave work so early because then I have to leave the big kids halfway through stem. And that feels horrible. But I'm hoping that they can at least get started and it won't matter that I'm not there for the second the half of the afternoon. I should have made the appointment for 3 I don't know why I made it for 2. I think I just freaked out.

I still think it will be a nice day. It's the last week of camp and I am hoping it will be great. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well. Be safe out there. Take care of each other. Try not to let all the small stuff get to you.

[sometimesrosy]

Hi Rosy! I'd love your advice. I've been dealing with a rough medical situation over the last number of months. It's hard to treat but I'm working hard to heal my body with whole foods, exercise, meditation, good sleep etc etc. My 100 fandom friends have been great support and fun to talk to. But a lot of friends/family IRL just don't fully get that this has been traumatic and shocking for me because I mostly "look fine" on the outside. I've had people I'm close to make all kinds of comments-

-if I can’t fully beat this physically, then I can always see a counselor for the emotional toll it takes or being flippant about it saying “it could always be worse, and I should be grateful it’s not” or treating my actual disease as if it were a bad haircut that will go away. All I really want is emotional support and encouragement from people telling me to believe that I’m healing. Is this just hard for people to give? Do you have to tell them what you need? Are people just too self-absorbed-

-to check in on their friends and family and treat their (very real) concerns like they’re real? This whole process has made me see how so much of what we talk/fight about is stupid and petty. It’s given me more compassion for the sick too. And I’m super grateful for The 100 fandom for helping me get through it. I just wondered if you had any thoughts around this idea of difficult health times / emotional support. thank you!

To be honest, nonny. I don’t know. And I don’t know because I’ve been struggling with chronic illness for the last few years, and that is probably partly why I’m here so much, because I don’t have energy for more activity.

I do not think that people are able to understand fully what other people’s existences are like, especially if they can’t SEE the trouble. I have chronic fatigue and ptsd and generalized anxiety, but it just looks like I’m not getting up and doing anything. From the outside, I look fine. Even when people try to be helpful, it comes like, “oh that happens to me too, you just need to exercise more,” and like, I exercised for 30 minutes and ended up with a 3 day migraine, and to be honest, I’ve been exhausted since, and that was a week and a half ago. Or like suggesting meditation for my anxiety, and like yeah, it does help, but I’m already incorporating five different variations of meditation (deep breathing, acupressure, yoga, journaling, drawing) and it’s still just SLOW healing. Sometimes people want to help, even if it’s not really something they can help with.

I just don’t know if everyone CAN understand. You can keep telling them. And maybe if they’re around a lot they start to get it. Like my mom SAW that three day migraine, and when I said it was from going swimming she mentioned it as an ‘excuse’ to not go again (because I’m never active enough and always trying to get out of things) and I got defensive, but actually, she didn’t mean it like that. She meant it like a “reason,” and that meant it was something to be aware of and to work up to. So even though she’s spent some time not really believing I was sick, she’s starting to see it now. “Migraine” she understands. So tired I can’t connect my thoughts and can’t really do anything she doesn’t understand so much.

What can you do? You have to set your own boundaries and believe in yourself and your self care enough to not let disbelievers put you off what you need to do. But also, recognize that understanding takes TIME. I mean, lets be real, it takes  a while to process your own illness, and you’re living inside of it. 

If you get support on tumblr…you use that support. If tumblr gets to be too much, you take a break or dial back. If one person doesn’t understand you and pushes you too hard, maybe limit your time with them to activities that don’t push your boundaries. Do you know that answering asks sometimes help me focus my brain when I’m struggling, but then sometimes, it’s just too much and I’m too tired and fandom is too anxiety provoking (I’ve been having an anxiety attack since that hijacking thing, and I’m not looking to be dramatic, I’m just looking to take care of myself) and that is when I need to pull back. Do what works until it doesn’t work and then back off. Don’t feel guilty about not living up to commitments, because right now, your health is your first commitment.

does any of that help? it’s basically just how your question is affecting me in my life, so I hope it does. i don’t have the perspective I might have if I weren’t also dealing with it. i might be too close. i’m still working it out. (also I’m a freaking hermit, so if people don’t support me it’s really easy for me to lose contact with them. “lose contact.”)

[elizabethrobertajones]

If you feel like it, I'd be interested in your opinion.... personally I'm getting really tired and hopeless about the way Dean gets angry, blaming and aggressive towards Cas and Sam.... yes, he's worried, he feels abandoned or betrayed - but I feel like I've been making excuses for him for so long.... IDK if it's out of character, it seems so so different from past characterization, where I feel it was more understanding and came with more sweetness and care.... am I wrong?

Answering this properly would probably take an entire walk through Dean’s life history, along with rewatching everything just to form an opinion… Bearing in mind you’re asking someone who would still default to being a Dean girl if I had to pick, even though I think those categories are monstrously unfair to my TFW-loving heart :P

I do think each successive trauma Dean’s had since season 2 has each time made him more depressed, angry and withdrawn, which is the root cause of all this (as usual, start with blaming John when discussing Dean’s personality defects :P) 

He also is usually right about things and has a moral high ground even when the show is making him a demon, so that can’t help :P He’s positioned as the emotional POV and moral centre of the story, and as Mittens keeps calling him, a human lie detector, and that puts him in a LOT of situations where he has to protect his family, or their lies and betrayal and losses all are about his reaction. 

(It’s this that makes me think he has a lawful good D&D alignment, mostly because these are extremely irritating traits in a character if not done right, and clearly irritate people about Dean when he rubs them the wrong way, and like… yeah, it’s a gut feeling about how irritatingly right he is but that’s essentially why. :P)

But yeah, he’s very sympathetic to me without me having to try and these same actions don’t feel that way to me because I’m clinging to Dean and sobbing about how miserable he is, and have been for pretty much my entire adult life >.> Oops. 

I understand though, because it was partially this that made me really fall out of love with him over season 10 (also how gross he was being) and it took a big rewatch intentionally reminding myself of Dean being sweeter that helped ease me back in. I was more concerned about falling back in love with Sam after season 10 though, because Dean not being Mark of Cain Dean was all I needed to like him again. And in season 11, that also was true - without the Mark I found that he was much easier to get on with emotionally, and I was thankfully ready to like him again after watching a great deal of the show over again to remind myself. 

I think he has changed though since then, and in many ways positively, but also he has in a weird way developed ahead of Sam and Cas in positive development but since he hasn’t in other ways, he’s getting narky with them from his IMPROVED moral high ground and they’re not meeting his standards of new character growth and he’s not like, perfect, so he gets snappy with them. :P 

The show ALWAYS give him a moral high ground though - even when he was demon!Dean. In this episode’s case, Cas is gonna steal the Colt and IS acting shifty, and in a way it’s totally Dean’s right to call him out if he knew this, but he just has a gut feeling something’s shifty and is pre-angry about what he’s angry about later in the episode, so he seems not to change, in a way, being angry about Cas for one thing then the other, but really he’s been angry about the same thing all episode, only getting more clarity on WHY and what Cas did later. 

I’m not saying he was right to act the way he did, especially on making Cas feel unwelcome immediately (it reminded me of him lashing out in 8x22 and that really hurts my heart as it was coming from the same place but now 4 years ago - Cas made off with the angel tablet to protect Dean in the abstract (and protect the tablet from Dean because again he was being kind of controlled by it in a way where it messed with his basic programming), instead of sticking with him and them risking all the trouble together as a team)… but between his worry and his suspicion, he tried to call Cas out about it because - and he knows he does this but I guess can’t help himself in the moment - he reverts to anger when he’s worried, and Cas is really really worrying him. Explaining he does it but then carries on doing it doesn’t mean he CAN all the time and ideally he’d try and talk it out before storming off or lashing out, but this is where we are >.> 

But yeah, he does this same thing way back… I can’t think of smaller examples though there’s bound to be some because right from the start he and Sam grated on each other but Dean’s secret in season 1 was he was just so scared for his family and wanted to put it all back together and not be alone and to protect them all - that’s the darkest thing Dean discovers in season 1, how much he’d do to protect his family. So this is still playing off a core trait that was Dean’s darkness in season ONE. But in practice back then that looks like constantly pissing Sam off to the verge of leaving to find John on his own half the time :P 

In 4x04 Dean has a chance for a huge sanctimonious narrative-will-prove-him-right argument with Sam at the start when he finds out he’s still been working with Ruby… He really lets Sam have it but he IS right and his approach really didn’t help anything especially as Ruby WANTED a rift between them, and Dean digs himself a great big hole over, like, everything… Same could be said for Cas, once he’s in the family bracket for sure, with 6x20 and everything Dean says there, especially as Cas going to Dean doesn’t actually seem like it could have helped all that much in averting Apocalypse 2.0 except for dying in the moral high ground together as family, so, yay :P In 4x21 Dean also says he’d rather Sam dies human and is technically right, with the narrative again, that Sam shouldn’t have been drinking more demon blood, or that they should use him as a weapon for the greater good, or let him go kill Lilith, since what seems like the ideal end goal is just how Lucifer gets free and causes even greater evil. (He also yells at and hits Cas in 4x22 but idk if Dean is even sure they’re friends yet until 5x01 when he definitely calls Cas his friend, although of course it IS the same type of argument where Dean is right, knows he’s being lied to and manipulated, and is pissed off and terrified.)

So anyway in show terms it’s old as dirt (aka anything that happened in Kripke era) and Dean’s always been angry-concerned and it’s so much a part of his character it doesn’t bother me in a way, even if I think he should change long term and not yell at and upset his family like that, it doesn’t upset or grind me down. 

I can see how season 10 could break you on that point though because it NEARLY did me, and kind of did for a little while (like… a couple of weeks. Which is a very long time to not like Dean in my personal timeline :P) - these days Dean is comparatively happier and in a better place than he was in season 10 and so every day he’s not Mark of Cain Dean is a little victory to me, and his behaviour and treatment of his family is accordingly more balanced and mature than it obviously would have been then, but I also think he has been working hard on trying to talk things out and addressing feelings. 

So in 12x19 he yells at Cas in one scene, but when Cas comes to talk to him again, Dean is open and calmer. He only gets angry again later when Cas betrays his trust, and I think that would be in part BECAUSE he opened up so much to Cas so it’s not just a general trust, it was a “I thought we were working on things and communicating better” trust of the immediate conversation he’d just had with Cas. I think he HAS been more well-rounded with emotional stuff and trying to get it right and not fuck up like he has in the past since season 11, and he genuinely had character development over that season that’s been very obviously applied THIS season. But he’s not magically become someone else other than Dean, and this is a core reaction for him and a core character trait when WRITING him, so it’s going to be a slow process to demolish it even though he’s addressed back in 12x10 that he does it and he knows it can be harsh, especially when he only really means to show his concern. 

I definitely don’t think it’s a thing to be hopeless about, especially when the story called Dean out for doing it - it’s called him out a few times over stuff, like in 11x23 making him say he put Sam and his own troubles ahead of everything including Cas, as well as 12x10 and apologising to Cas that he is too harsh because he’s concerned, not angry. Having Dean express these things out loud is not just Dean running his mouth, it’s dialogue that’s put in for the reason of SHOWING they know he has character flaws, and Dean genuinely has been trying to be aware he does it and to make up for it when he does. He can’t say, this time, that he forgot about Cas, because rather than wait for the ominous news, like it took until “Dean, that’s not Cas!!” for him to express more than passing concern, as soon as Cas stops picking up, Dean starts bombarding his phone and searching to see if he turned up dead in a ditch. He even got concerned and annoyed when Cas was working with Crowley at the start of the season and was keeping a grumpy eye on that scenario. He knew something was up before it even was this episode, and he might not have approached it well because he’s working on “concerned not angry”, but forgetting Cas is something he never wants to do again and the wake up call about it with Casifer has clearly had a profound effect on how he behaves about Cas - again it might seem like he’s being over-concerned and it might even be controlling behaviour but the narrative is determined to prove him right, and he has a strong basis for his gut feeling, because his gut feeling is very very accurate in many cases. 

But it has been 12 years and change is slow, so I can see why and understand it might not feel like enough, or that he’s getting worse… I don’t think you’d be wrong for thinking it, even if I don’t see it that way, because it’s so subtle and usually only shows up as positive development BY showing us the negative side of his behaviour so seeming to reinforce that it’s still there while we’re waiting for the change, and if you start to feel like you’re apologising rather than seeing those excuses as explanations for change, because it keeps on coming without seeming to change to you… It’s just a viewpoint and interpretation and  especially while we don’t have any big pay off, all it really is is that I have a more positive interpretation that’s making me much happier about where Dean is and how the show’s treating him that makes me really chill to see him angry at his family.

I think the point is that it feels to me at the moment that it IS in focus and they’re addressing it, we get MORE scenarios where this sort of thing happens because Dean is being tested on his character development over and over again - like how he had to deal with consecutive discoveries in only a few episodes of Mary and Sam and Cas working with the BMoL and then Heaven. Did he handle them perfectly? No, but he showed his development in different ways each time by expressing how he feels, or trying to go along with things instead of falling out, or to try and bridge gaps after falling out, and it shows each time that Dean is a work in progress and they’re slowly affecting him and helping him to grow as a person. But it means lots of scenes where Dean is pissy with the people around him, and falling into the traits the show feels like addressing, which is maybe why you’re now seeing them a lot and getting upset by it and thinking he’s never changed. They might not HAVE a moment where anyone ever points out he’s actually changed, and it becomes something that’s changed in him by omission that we don’t see it again after a while, and we have to remember he used to be this way.

I feel like a lot of his change, at least escalating to the Mark of Cain stuff, has been for the worse (as in, like I said, making him more and more depressed and angry and withdrawn), season 5 aside (season 5 fixed him and Sam somewhat before they unravelled the sweater again for another take at it all :P) and only in season 11 does he start getting positive character development, so we’re also in the middle of Dean’s positive change, and the show has all the time in the world, with a season 13 waiting and all these promises of it ends when we want it to end, that they don’t have to rush it, frustrating as that may be while WE wait for pay off on any of these long character arcs.

As an example of a finished one, though, Sam also has had lasting character development that had a profound change on the way he reacts/is written between season 5-7, and part of why he’s now more of a peaceful mediator in these things (although tending towards being too passive sometimes, and obviously has a lot of work he still needs doing especially as he still knee-jerk over-corrects and bottles things up) but in season 7 he really genuinely seemed to have grown and become more zen and peaceful with himself, and loses a LOT of his anger and over-confidence (… to the point of lack of confidence, which is where season 8 onwards escalated it >.>) which is a process he’s been on since season 5 but becomes more and more obvious through that chunk of the show, until Carver era starts messing with him badly, in a way where he also accumulates more trauma and changes his behaviour notably and over an extended period of time with lasting effects away from that and into seriously messing him up - but from a baseline of the zen Sam who emerged in season 5, not the angry Sam from season 1-4. 

We see them on screen so much sometimes you need a rewatch and to watch them evolve as if you hit the fast forward button on their lives, because going a season at a time and not looking back, it’s hard to keep a picture of how they were and how they’ve changed in our minds, especially when some behavioural changes are quite organic or not called out until they’re a long way down the line… It takes the start of season 7 to change and grow before Dean and Bobby start giving him “who are you and what have you done with Sam” faces as they realise, and tbh I only really noticed that after a rewatch where I already knew Dean and Bobby had called it out in the middle of season 7, to really appreciate this arc where Sam changes in season 5, 6 and 7…

… I think that is about as concise as I can get my very lengthy opinion, having deleted large tangents which probably were 3 times the length of this, all added up XD

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.