#it's been an emotional few days and I've had so much trouble processing and dealing with this

[chronicallypainful]

My brother's fiancé was just diagnosed with breast cancer, and I am jealous of how much support she and my brother are getting from family. There, I said it. I'm not proud of it. But suppressing emotions is generally not healthy. So let's talk about it.

Just to set the stage here: the diagnosis is serious but not dire. She's looking at at least six months of chemotherapy plus surgery. There are also very real financial stresses in this situation. It is legitimately crappy.

When my mom called to let me know, she said something to the effect of "they're both going to need our help and support." Yeah, no kidding. I cannot argue with that, and I will offer what support I can (probably mostly phone calls and care packages). That statement, though, also hit a really sore spot for me.

I think there are several layers as to why that bothered me.

1. As anyone reading this already knows, chronic illnesses don't receive the same level of societal recognition or support as acute illnesses or cancer diagnoses.

2. As I described in a post a couple weeks ago, I have been dealing with antidepressant induced health problems for more than seven months now. At times my symptoms have been quite severe, to the point where I took a full three weeks of medical leave followed by about a month of only working part time. I've felt alone and I've had trouble getting support throughout this time. When I spoke with my mom about my brother's fiancé's cancer diagnosis, my mom was already thinking about taking her to chemotherapy appointments, cooking meals, and helping with housework. Throughout the past seven months, my mom has not taken me to any medical appointments, cooked any of my meals, or helped me with housework. Now, there are a couple really good reasons for that, including the fact that she would have to drive four hours to reach me, while it only takes about an hour and a half for her to get to my brother. The other factor that has made it really hard for me to get support is the "just another couple weeks" phenomenon. Throughout the process, my doctor kept telling me that my symptoms would improve in a week or two. This made it really hard for me to know that I needed to reach out for support or coordinate logistics so that I could have more support (e.g. I would have preferred to spend my three weeks of medical leave staying with my parents instead of living by myself with no ability to drive in suburban America. But nobody thought it was going to be a whole three weeks when I started needing to take sick time. And it wouldn't make sense to travel to stay with them if it was only going to be a few days, right?) Even though I can look at those reasons why I have had trouble accessing support and acknowledge that they are valid reasons outside of either my or my mom's control, it's still hurts to see how readily and quickly she is jumping to provide support to my brother and his fiancé, when I have not enjoyed that same level of support in spite of my own significant health challenges.

3. My antidepressant related health issues are not over, and I still would like to have more support that I'm getting. While I am no longer incapacitated to nearly the same extent that I was a few months ago, I am still experiencing daily dizziness, excessive crying, and elevated pain levels. (And, yes, I have now been entirely off of the offending medications for 4 1/2 months. And yes I am still having symptoms.) I'm also essentially attempting to rehabilitate myself after an extended illness, and I'm doing that while working full-time and trying to manage three chronic illnesses, including the now-untreated anxiety disorder which was the thing I sought treatment for in the first place. It's exhausting. And I'm also exhausted by the fact that I've been dealing with these additional health challenges for more than seven months now, and I have done that mostly on my own.

[justrandommethoughts]

The Start

This post defines the start of my journey. It was way back in 2019 when I first went to therapy (Yeah for me that's way back, the whole covid period just makes everything before feel soo long ago).

I was still together with my first girlfriend back then, almost for 6 years to that day. I never thought I have mental issues, but I was never the 'feeling' kind of person. I did not really feel anything. Of course, I would tell my ex I loved her, I was sad at the funeral of my grandparents, but it felt artificial, not real. I was just acting along how I was supposed to feel, without really feeling it. But for me that was normal, I've been this way for as long as I could remember. But then, I started to develope random symptoms of illnesses that could not be diagnosed by doctors/specialists. I had issues/pain peeing, my head skin was itching, I developed a tinnitus. After going through some painful proedures (I am very much referring to an urologist, who had to take a 'sample' of my urethra and was sticking some thing into my penis. I think that was the most painful thing I ever experienced, I can't even describe the pain I was in. I really never cried, but that, that made me cry) Well, anyways, after all these tests were showing no results of some illness, my doctor referred me to a therapist. I even got a pretty fast appointment, it only took me a few weeks. I was super lucky with that and I am still grateful (I might have to add that I live in Germany, so I did not have to pay for any of these doctors visit, I am super lucky)

So, the first therapy session was ahead. I was super nervous and could not imagine what it would be like to talk to somebody like that. I had no clue what to talk to him about, as there were no emotions or internal thoughts that I could tell him about. It was just empty, nothing, a void. It felt a bit odd, but honestly my memory is rather blurry about these past days. I was with this therapist for almost a year and a half, having sessions about every 2 weeks. And it helped, I noticed my feelings again, I could feel again. It's crazy to think about it, but I actually can't remember what exactly we did. He asked me how I felt about certain things, and I could not answer. Like what do you feel when you think about this teacher. I could not tell, I had numbness. So we went through all feelings there are, and I tried to imagine what it would feel like. And after some time, I noticed them again, at least something. A tickle maybe, but enough to talk about it.

An interesting event we pointed out, which back then seemed to be really important was something a teacher did to me when I was in 6th grade (so about 12/13). It was geography, and the teacher was a real asshole. He was that kind of teacher that takes pleasure in embarrasing kids, making him feel superior. He would always insult classmates and tell them how dumb they are. Well, and then one day it happened to me. I was rather more open back then, more expressive. I wore a shirt saying something like 'Homework are dangerous for my freetime' and he looked at it and shouted across the classroom 'It should rather say Homework are dangerous for your stupidity'. It really hurt thinking about this event, back then during the therapy session it felt like a turning point. It had such a massive impact, I could not really deal with it. After the therapy I went home and I was feeling unwell already. I then basically puked the whole evening and cried until my parents came and picked me up. They live about an hour away by car, so not too close. I thought that was the event troubling me and being a turning point in my development, so processing it really helped (At least back then it was a good start, but not to imagine what would come lol). Anyways, a few weeks after my girlfriend, then ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I was done with everything, the whole world. My world was falling apart. Even though I did not really feel that I loved her, I was still having a connection. A closesness that I can not really describe, she just felt like home. The therapy really helped processing it, having somebody to talk to who does not judge you no matter what you say. Who even understands and helps you order your thoughts and feelings. I wrote letters to her, which I never sent, just for myself. A lot of letters. I also sent her one message, a very long message, talking about what good times we had and that we should try it again, but to no avail. It was over. About three months later she had a new boyfriend, somebody from her work, and I thought it would not really affect me. I was just shrugging it off, saying its her thing, I don't care. Thinking about it from my perspective now, I actually cared and still do. It made everything before feel artificial, questioning if she also wanted him when we were still together, if there was something happening maybe. I don't think so, my rational self tells me no, she is not such a person, but I nevertheless have these thoughts.

Then Covid hit, I still remeber it in March 2020, when everything shut down. I then moved back to my parents. I was living in a shared appartment, but I had no real connection to my roommates and all my other friends also moved back to their parents. I had remote therapy during that period, and it was actually ok. It felt a little hard to open up over a video call at first, but I can recommend it if you can't see a therapist in person. After a few months the therapy was at an end. We had to either file an application for long term treatment or stop, and we both agreed on that I was feeling better and could deal with myself without any help (Oh how wrong we were).

The next part of the story will come whenever I feel like it and have the time, but until my next therapy a couple years went by. It actually only started a few months ago. I will then also go a little more into detail, but that backstory might be intersting to see where I am coming from.

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs of march

- a day late because we decided to spend 6 hours trying to make sense of a 1500 piece world of warcraft puzzle last night and fell asleep while doing that, lol

1. THE DEATH OF PEACE OF MIND by Bad Omens

it's such a banger! I've known about the band before from tiktok but one of my friends showed me Just pretend and somehow that made me more curious. ever since that party I've been listening to this whole new album but this is by far the best song on it.

2. Complete Collapse - Acoustic by Sleeping With Sirens

march was such a fun month! I've been to my first ever VIP meet and greet before a concert and it was the best thing I've ever experienced! meeting the boys, who were there for me when noone was almost 10 years ago.. it was my best experience so far with musicians. they were down to earth, kind, they asked a few questions when I took the picture with them. lovely event!

3. Fighting Myself by Linkin Park

this song made me cry, it made me emotional, it changed my whole life, it had & has such a big impact on me! I'm obsessed.

& my fav memory ever: I had trouble sleeping, I've been going through a tough time lately and my bf knows I fall asleep easier if I listen to some music. I put this one on and he asked for the unused half of my earbuds so he can listen to it with me. I love this boy with my whole heart.

4. HOPE by NF

the last verse/the discourse at the end of this song opened up so many emotions and thoughts in me. knowing that I'm not alone and it gets better if you fight hard enough for it... life changing.

5. ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine

I know this one from the tiktok trend & love the chill/sad vibes. it's all such a mood. actually the lyrics has so great storytelling, I enjoy songs like this one so much!

"lovely to sit between comfort and chaos" 🤍

6. deepfake by brakence

I'm super excited about this song. I've been listening to it on repeat in the last couple of days and it's actually one of the best brakence songs. love the dude as always.

7. The Exit by Conan Gray

I relate to this song endlessly.

family stuff is getting harder and harder to process as I'm getting more and more of my memories back. I never kenw this much stuff was hiding in the dark, but I'm not that suprised I've been dealing with shit this poorly if my whole life was a huge trauma. cptsd sucks.

8. September by Sparky Deathcap

still a huge fav. it makes me smile that this whole song is about some dude being so angry that he just wants to beat the shit out of someone. I live for the passion in this song.

9. The Search by NF

old fav, it surfaced again because of my obsession with HOPE. I found the line "looking for the map to HOPE" so fascinating, I belive this guy is a genius and I truly believe that I love every song he ever made.

10. And the Snakes Start to Sing by Bring Me The Horizon

I'm still stuck in this nostalgic mindset, especially with these huge albums turning 10, 20 years old (linkin park, bmth). this song had a huge effect on me and I always loved it but a few days ago I truly realized, that this is not a love song in any way shape or form.I always happened to find toxic, narcissistic people and their love was the only thing I knew. it's been 7 months since I've gotten together eith my bf and I noticed I was getting "bored" of the peace and comfort I'm getting from him. it's the strangest thing if you think about it. I'm getting bored because I'm safe, I'm not in danger anymore. it's truly a sad thing to realise.

[the-one-who-lambs]

17, 18 and 29 for the ao3 wrap~?

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

Probably Narinder, as evidenced by the fact that he's been centric to or appeared in literally everything I've written so far. In a few days, when I publish something I've already written for a CotL secret santa, this will no longer be true, but still. He's the comfort character I'm hyperfixating on, mostly because I'm obsessed with the ideas of his character arcs. Now, we've never seen them happen in canon outright, but we know at least that he had a family who he was close to and who loved him and then betrayed them, though we don't know exactly how or why. And then, once Lamb usurps him, the twinge of regret and potential softening of his personality once he's not, you know, trapped in a prison of his own sins and seething with rage and hatred all the time because that's not sustainable when you're not a god. He's had at least two major personality changes throughout his lifetime and I love imagining how he deals with (or doesn't deal with) that.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Hmm, honestly? The Lamb/Lambert. Here's my take on them that I hopefully conveyed well: I wanted to give them a personality that seems cheery and positive, and seems like they genuinely care for others/their followers, but honestly knowing that they can't care for so many people when they have their own desires. They care for their followers in a general sense, but not really on an individual level unless said follower has some type of significance to them (e.g. Narinder, their first follower, spouses who became close friends, etc.). They're constantly tired and constantly having to put off addressing that fact because so many individuals depend on them. They know they have done evil only because of the situation they found themself in, and has generally accepted their own depravity.

...Not that any of the followers know any of this. They keep all this below the surface.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

GOD...

The final flashback of Requiem and the conversation between Narinder and Shamura will always be special. It has a little bit of everything that I love about their dynamic (or at least how I imagine it). The gentle way they reprimand him, the best way they know to show him they care. Narinder, back before he even considered the possibility of him revolting, showing how much he worries for and loves his family in his own kinda standoffish way. Him knowing he can be vulnerable around Shamura and trusting them fully.

And then, the subtle tone shift that Narinder doesn't really pick up on when Shamura has their vision: he doesn't know it in the moment but this is when they foresee his revolt and the eventual possibility of the destruction of the Old Faith. And how they manage to keep it together, how their brother is still their main concern in the moment but now with the knowledge that their closeness will not last. It makes their last line have totally different meanings for Shamura and Narinder.

“My first baby brother,” Shamura whispered. “You’ll always be my little kitten.”

To Narinder, Shamura seems to be saying this as the headstrong and determined yet thoroughly loving oldest sibling that they are to him. But to Shamura, this statement is a lot more painful. They foresee what he will do to them and STILL they know, despite this, they will continue to love him as their little brother.

And finally, when Narinder comes back to himself in the present, realizing he's crying. Thousands of years have passed and he finally realizes what Shamura saw then and what they meant. And he's still so angry but he misses them and doesn't know why. After a thousand years of basically denying himself any emotion it's way too hard to process so he just shuts down.

"He hated them all so much for their betrayal that he circled around right back to love."

Y'all know that piece of advice to lead with your best material? I don't know if I'll be able to top Requiem for CotL fanfics, but tbh? I'm okay with that.

Thanks SO MUCH for the ask!!

[deaddovecoterie]

thanks for letting me vent. so I've had a lot going on and I don't know how much I'll actually end up saying. this past week has seen me on cloud nine absolutely euphoric while simultaneously being super stressed about school. I found my first love and my favorite person. It was the best of times. the person then figured out a bit about themselves and that realization made us not work. first love and first heartbreak 6 days apart. who woulda guessed? I was sad that it was over, but we were on good terms and still planned on being friends. I took a lot of time that day to process my thoughts. I had just painted my nails for them earlier that day and was loving it. then it came down gently. the person was upset with themselves about it, said they felt terrible for the way things went, but I wasn't upset. I couldn't be, I loved this person and planned on telling them such soon. I wasn't upset, but they seemed to blame themselves nonetheless. they had been having a bad day that day. I fear it only made things worse. I wasn't upset with them in any way, especially because they said we would remain friends. I wasn't that sad because its not like I lost someone, we were still gonna be friends. I put a lot of effort into determining how I felt over the next several hours, and between that and the school stress I was exhausted, so I turned in for the night a few hours earlier than normal, and posted that I was doing as such because "today was a lot for me and I just want it to end" and then when I woke up they had blocked me. I'm worried it was my fault. I think they thought they had upset me or something, or they thought I was trying to guilt them, or that they felt bad about it like they had done something wrong. but they didn't do anything wrong, I don't blame them for what happened, I'm not upset about anything. but now I'm kinda hurt because they said we would be friends and now they have me blocked. I guess I just want to know if they're okay and I want to make sure I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure they had a valid reason, but I can't help but think that I must've done something wrong. I miss them and I at the very least want to assure them that I don't blame them and that they did nothing wrong and that none of this was their fault. thanks for letting me vent. sorry that this got so long. I will let you post this if you feel you want to respond, or don't. its honestly your call. you might even have a good idea as to who I am, and thats okay. you can address me if you feel you want to, feel free to let this just chill or even delete if you want to.

i originally wasn’t gonna answer this cause there’s just to much to unpack, but that’s also exactly why i’m responding to this

to be honest i do have some idea who this is and you’re obviously on anon for a reason so i won’t bother trying to follow up with who this is. that being said, because i think i know, i’m aware of the situation so hopefully you’ll read this and realize a few things

let’s start from the beginning i guess? first of all, i personally don’t think it’s possible to fall in love with someone in 6 days, especially someone you met on the internet. by the sounds of it you have no prior relationship experience which is likely why this didn’t work out for you but i’ll get to that later. your first mistake (from what i know) was that you were too clingy. it sounds like you smothered them and let them have little to no breathing room which, undoubtedly, make them feel trapped and pushed into a corner when you guys weren’t even official. it sounds like there was miscommunication on your end since they seemed to try and express where they stood (but they didn’t feel heard). this is the tricky part for me to get into because how i feel about this is clearly different than how you feel but that’s cause i’m not an emotional person when it comes to these things. i don’t want to invalidate your feelings because that would be unfair of me but i’m saying this as more of a reality check for you so here it is:

you guys weren’t even official. you were talking for 6 days and hadn’t even began to start dating. it sounds like you need to check yourself and your emotions because if this is how you deal with “heartbreak” after 6 days of only talking then you’re in trouble if you ever get dumped after being in a long term relationship. you need to learn how to respect boundaries and stop contacting their friends when they’ve made it obvious they no longer with to interact with you (i.e. literally blocking you)

anyway, to continue- though i can’t speak for them directly i know that this person doesn’t really blame themselves 😐 they knew boundaries had been pushed that they weren’t okay with and knew it was coming to an end for multiple reasons. you were moving way too fast and didn’t seem to understand that telling someone you l*ve them that soon is unbelievably abnormal and not something you say that early on. you were blocked because you apparently didn’t know how to handle something as insignificant as this and lingered on it and seemed to be partaking in a multi-day-long pity party instead of moving on. your heart was in the right place trying to support them but you were being overbearing and not letting them have any breathing room. they don’t blame themselves cause they didn’t do anything wrong from my pov to be completely honest. it’s hard to be friends with someone after that when they can’t seem to let go and move on. so that’s why

hope this gave u some clarity and shed some light on it for you (pls like this so i know you’ve seen it and can delete it)

[rwbyremnants]

WARNINGS: Just a lot of drama.

Yikesss sorry about this one for those of you who were expecting a lot of smut. Next time will be more fun I swear!

=Chapter 9

That night, Ruby was barely able to sleep. Their session had been beyond fantastic as usual, which usually left her exhausted enough to start napping in the car on the journey home; but this had been completely different. There were a few flirtatious comments between them both on their journey, but nothing more. And even when laying by Penny's side, she couldn't sleep. She just kept thinking about what had happened.

Winter liked her. She must have liked her. All this time, it had been right under her nose, she was just too blind to see it! And what did she do? Nothing. She bottled things up as usual, too scared of her own feelings or a sense of judgement to confess how she really felt. There was a possible relationship right there that would make her feel complete, the perfect complement to her emotional closeness with Penny, and she was too scared to grasp it.

No more, she said to herself. She was tired of lying awake in fear; she had to do something. Whether it helps or not, I have to tell her.

And the next day, she did. After dropping off her father at Yang and Weiss's, the nervous little brunette drove straight to Winter's. No prearranged session, no word of warning. Just her dropping in out of the blue. It was completely different from any contact she had with Winter before. When she knocked at the door, she could already feel her heart pounding.

"Just a moment," she heard distantly. There was a long pause, some approaching steps. Then she heard a gasp. "Ruby?!"

An instant later, the door was being unlatched and jerked open. There stood Winter, dressed in her usual business best. It looked as if she were about to leave for some meeting or other, even though she had yet to slip her heels on over her nylon-covered feet. Makeup already impeccable, she blinked slowly, baffled and waiting for an explanation.

"I need to talk to you." The look on her face spoke volumes about her desperation. She looked as though she had already been worrying for days – because she had. "Is this a good time? Or should I…?"

"Well… I have about fifteen minutes, I was just going to head out a little early. Come in, come in."

To drive the point home, she stood back and opened the door a little wider. Doing as asked, Ruby paced inside immediately. If it was anything minor, she would have arranged to come back another day, especially with Winter seeming to have plans. But she was in need. Right away, she walked into the living room, standing rather than sitting just yet.

"Sorry to show up so out of the blue like this."

"My red rose out of the blue," Winter joked with a quiet smile, picking up her heels and sitting in the chair. "Go ahead. What's up?"

"W-well…" Before she entered the door, she had rehearsed this in her head. Exactly what she would say, possible responses and outcomes. Now…

Blank. Her mind was completely and utterly blank. Why did she even come here in the first place? She clearly wasn't ready, not for this.

No! she told herself, shaking her head again. You can NOT do this again, Ruby Rose! You have to say something now – or no more cookies for a week! Swallowing, she continued to stand by Winter's sofa, staring outward rather blankly. "I-I've… been thinking. About our arrangement, what it means to us both."

"Have you?" Winter asked mildly as she pulled one shoe on. Carefully, as if knowing that Ruby was having trouble and that the best thing she could do for her was to be indifferent; to not overreact.

"Y-yes." Nerves were getting to her again. Not even a few seconds into the confession and she was already beginning to feel that she couldn't continue. Powering through, however, she looked back toward Winter. "The way you treat me… i-it's different, from how other Doms treat their subs. I saw in the club, they treat them as their friends, or casual hookups. The nice ones still care, sure, but they don't seem to go… above and beyond. And like… the more sessions we do, the more I begin to realise… y-you treat me like Blake would treat Sun. Still as a Dom, but… more. There's more set up, more care. You go over the moon and back to impress me with everything, make sure I’m safe, a-and happy."

Slowly, as she had continued speaking, Winter's eyebrows drew together. She had picked up the other heel, but it simply lay in her hands as she processed Ruby's words. Finally, she shrugged and tried to respond as best she could.

"That's because you are more than that to me. You're a friend, and a family member. And… I care about you very much. You're right that if it was purely a Dom-sub arrangement with someone I only know from The Clamp, I wouldn't be quite as caring; professional, and considerate, yes. And I'd definitely stop them from winding up in Cinderella's clutches regardless," she added with a frown.

"It's not just about Cinderella," she pushed ahead, finally finding herself sitting on the arm of Winter's sofa. Looking down a moment, she seemed to think a little longer before speaking up again. "You bought so much for our scenes, spent so much on me, just for a little fun. You brought a chapter of a book and film I love to life, for God’s sake!"

Again, Winter had to blink, before laughing - it was the kind of unsure laughter of someone who doesn't know what to think about what they're hearing. "But… but that was what you wanted, wasn't it? Is that what this is about, worrying about the cost? I told you, that doesn't matter to me. Seeing you happy is worth it."

"N-no. That's just it!" Looking straight at her instead, it seemed she was finally coming to the conclusion of their small talk. "You do all this, just for me. You do everything to make me happy… and it does make me happy, happy someone cares about me so much. But I can't help but feel that…" Moment of truth. The first phase of her confession, finding out how Winter felt…

"That you care about me as more than a friend. More than a family-in-law member."

The elder of the Schnee sisters didn't respond at first. She simply stared at the coffee table between them, trying to process what she was being asked-but-not-asked. Or, perhaps more accurately, trying to find how she was going to respond to it.

"Well… I… don't know what's making you think that. Is there something wrong with me wanting to treat you well? To show that you're not just some sub? That may be true, but the way you're saying it… is it such a bad thing to care about you?"

"No, it's not at all!" It seemed not to have come out how she intended. Not only did Ruby gain no knowledge, she had potentially insulted her. That was the last thing she wanted. Now was her only chance. "What I'm getting at I-is… I-I care about you, too. A hell of a lot! And the more I've been thinking about it, the more I've been realising - I care about you more than I would an average friend, even best friend. You're… on the same level as Penny." Swallowing one last time, she finally managed to find the courage. "What I'm trying to say is that… That I-"

But there was a clear clattering of the lock again at the door, one loud enough to stop her in her tracks. The worst thing was the voice that accompanied the sound – one that seemed familiar.

"Snowbird, you in? I have had a real crappy day, I swear to God."

Eyes flying wide, she turned to Ruby and hissed in a low but urgent voice, "I need you to go hide immediately. I'm sorry, but if our arrangement really does mean anything to you… this is very important. Go!"

"B-but-!" Another shush from Winter stopped the thoughts in their tracks. Doing as asked, Ruby made a quick dash for the bathroom, slowly shutting it behind her so there wasn't too much noise. What was going on? Curiosity got the better of her; she she pressed her ear against the door to listen in.

"Customers, they are fuckin' jerks. Bar told me to go home early cause they could tell I was too pissed off not to take it out on some random sap."

"That's a shame," Winter was saying. Her voice was slightly more strained than usual, but not by much. "I know you like that job most days of the week. You… haven't been partaking of their stock again, have you?"

"Nah, we just got a bachelor party. Told them they had too much, they got pissy. Nearly picked a fight with me, I swear. But home now…"

By this point, Ruby knew she recognised that voice. There was no way it could be who she thought it was… could it? She needed to know. Gently easing the door further open, she slowly looked through the crack, revealing it to be…

Exactly who she dreaded it was. There stood a salt-and-pepper haired man, who had just wrapped his arms around Winter. The man who pulled her close to him and was smirking suggestively was one of the worst people she could ever see in this situation.

Her Uncle Qrow. Winter was living with her uncle.

“Now, now,” Winter cooed, her voice pitched so low that Ruby couldn’t have heard it if the door were closed. It wasn't quite affectionate in the way of a girlfriend, but more like… the term "fuckbuddy" that Yang liked to use seemed applicable. "You know I don't have time for this; I'm off to a meeting. I didn't think you'd be home now, anyway."

"Awwww, you sure they can't wait twenty minutes? You know it only takes me that long to make you scream." Smirking downward at her, he gave her a light grasp on the backside. "Especially if that bed frame of yours is involved, hmm?"

This was even worse for Ruby. Not only was she having to deal with the knowledge that one day, her uncle could walk in on them in any moment, but now… it seemed they were both sleeping with the same woman. While Winter had been her Dom, she had still been with her uncle! That crossed all kinds of awkward lines!

Winter's giggle and "Ooh" didn't help matters much. But then she did say, "Tonight. Just corral your horses for the time being, and we will revisit this when I'm back." Then, as an afterthought, she cleared her throat and said, "Why don't you take a little nap? Might help you relax after work… be ready for plenty of action later."

Qrow only seemed to chuckle, even if he was retracting from her grip. "You're telling me to be a lazy ass today? Wow, are you feeling okay?"

"Fine, fine. You've earned it for tonight." In return for him squeezing her behind, she delivered a quick swat to his. "Get in there and relax a bit. I have to be off, anyway."

"I’ll spare myself that kind of relaxing, if you wanna do a scene later. I know you’re happy when it's extra hard." Still, he obediently followed the request. He headed straight for the spare bedroom, thankfully not noticing the slightly ajar bathroom door and little Ruby's eye peeking through it, watching his every movement.

Her own uncle… Winter had been living with him for months. None of this was mentioned, and yet, it was still going on. This was madness! Sick!

The minute the bedroom door shut, Winter started pacing down the hall, as if to open the door. But when she saw it was already open and Ruby was peering through, she waved at her to come out - while her other hand raised a finger to her lips, cautioning her to be quiet.

She would have been, anyway. More from shock than anything else. She was still trying to take everything in that had just happened. Qrow, all this time she had no idea it was Qrow. Nor did she have any idea that they were doing scenes together, something she should have probably guessed when they were both in the same club! God, she felt stupid.

Once they were back in the living room, she pointed toward the bedroom, talking in a hushed voice, "Qrow?! My Uncle Qrow?!"

"Ah," Winter breathed. Her expression had already been strained from the near-miss… but now it fell entirely. "So… you recognised him."

"Of course I recognised him! The man more or less raised me with Dad for over ten years!" Now that Ruby was beginning to come to terms with it, she was becoming more angry than anything else. A mixture of angry and sad. Even if she was keeping her volume down, it was obvious. "Why didn't you tell me that he's living here?! That you and him are a thing, too?! That's kinda something you oughtta tell his niece before you start any hanky panky!"

"Let's discuss this on the way to my car," Winter whispered as she moved to pick up her briefcase again. Her actions were highly anxious, but she was trying her best to remain calm. "Otherwise, he may come out to see why I haven't left yet, and perhaps I'm wrong, but I think you'd rather not have this discussion with both of us."

While she wanted to continue ranting, that was a fair point on Winter's behalf. The last thing they needed was for Qrow to know this was happening, as well; that would be awkward for both of them to explain. Reluctantly agreeing, she walked ahead to the door, waiting outside of it for Winter to follow.

Once on the other side, Winter locked the door and began speaking the moment she turned away from it. "So you do have a fair point. I know that… because of the familial situation, maybe I should have told you. On the other hand, it wasn't really any of your business."

"Wasn't any of my- that's my UNCLE!" she repeated again, without holding herself back on volume this time. She remembered her apartment was soundproofed, so there was no chance of him hearing. But didn't exactly realise the rest of the building was not. "It may not be my business normally, but like, isn’t this kind of a different situation?! You just kept banging my uncle and tried to make sure I never noticed!"

Taking off at a fast clip, Winter led the two of them to the elevators as she hissed, "Exactly. Because my arrangement with him is no one's business whatsoever. Just like mine and yours isn't his business, either. That's how this is supposed to work, you know."

"Don't lecture me on how this is supposed to work!" she snapped back. Regardless of the fact she quite honestly wanted to get away from Winter right now, she entered the elevator, keeping right to one corner and out of the way. But from her scowl, she was still livid. "I thought 'None of your business' meant somebody like Sun or Blake! I didn't realise that meant 'Family members included'!"

"He is a friend. To me. Don't forget, he's your uncle, not mine." Sighing, she thumbed the button and they began to descend to the parking levels. "Look. I am sorry that you finding this out upset you, but I stand by what I said; you didn't have any more right to this knowledge than he does. Maybe I should have thought through the discomfort of the situation a little more and been more careful, but that's not the same as saying I was obligated to disclose."

"No, you're not. But like, maybe you should have considered how I'd feel about it before you started training me! Especially if… If you really…" She couldn't even finish that sentence anymore. Now that this information had come to light, she didn't know what to think. As much as she wanted to ignore it all, simply push it to the back of her mind and ignore it had all happened, she couldn't. This was far too big to sweep under the rug.

When Ruby didn't go on, she sighed. "What? So now you think I don't care about you just because I have arrangements with other people? It's not even as if you and Qrow are my only 'clients'; Glynda, for one, has asked me to put her through a few more sessions. And there are others I haven’t told you about, because it’s not pertinent to you and I. The whole point of this not being personal is that it's not supposed to be personal! And before you get any ideas, no, I didn't intend to ‘collect’ an uncle and a niece; it wasn't something that tickled my fancy, and I never thought of you while with him, or him while with you. And I am very serious about that."

"Well maybe I came today to make it a little more personal!"

In that moment, silence fell. All she could do was take a few deep breaths to calm down. While before she was filled with anger and sadness, now that they had come to this crossroads, she felt something else: fear. This definitely wasn't how she was supposed to confess her feelings…

"Yes, I remember," Winter breathed softly. "But… obviously I can't take that to heart yet. Now that this has changed the discussion." Regret was heavy in her features as the elevator doors slid open, and she began walking through the garage. Continuing to follow, Ruby made her way toward her little red car that looked inferior compared to the rest of the vehicles in the garage. How fitting with her current emotions.

Before she completely parted ways with Winter, however, she spoke up again. "So that's it? I just accept it and we don’t change anything, me and him hiding from each other and I have to deal?"

"Why not?!" Winter burst out, stopping in her tracks to glare at Ruby. "What's wrong with the way things have been until now? Everyone got what they wanted! I… may have wanted more, but I was satisfied, and so were you, and so was Qrow! What’s the harm?!"

Glaring right back at her, she was barely able to hold her tears back anymore, feeling the odd one or two falling down her cheek. "The harm is I thought you liked me! Liked me enough to let me know this was a thing, anyway! Of course I feel weird about it! You'd feel weird if I was sleeping with your dad, or with Weiss, wouldn't you?!"

"RIGHT!" Winter burst out, striding right up to Ruby, face livid. The mask of calm she always seemed to wear was now gone, and the sheer level of fury was all the more startling for it. "Because I have no idea what it's like to have family and sexual escapades get a little too close for comfort, DO I? You wouldn't do that to ME! Oh no, of COURSE not!"

"THAT ISN'T FAIR!" She yelled right back, hands curling into fists to try and hold in her anger. "You can't do that! It’s not my fault that you went through all that shit! Don't you throw that at me!!!"

"YOU FUCKED ME IN FRONT OF MY FATHER!" Her chest was heaving, eyes wild. Ruby took a step back when she realised what they were talking about: not some old issues about her prostituting herself to protect Weiss. No, not that; something much more recent. "I bet you haven't had a bad night's sleep about it since you did it! Have you?! Never once cared, never… didn't consider that maybe you shouldn't have done that, even though I was clearly aroused! Have you?!"

The younger girl’s lip wobbled for a second as she dealt with the storm of emotions threatening to make her burst into tears. "WRONG! I haven't slept, not one wink! And since that time, barely at all, because I thought that… thought that you loved me as much as I love you! You have no idea-"

"I DO, Goddamn you! Even after that, after y-you poisoned my dreams, I still…" Now Winter's tears were falling as well. "How am I supposed to be in the same room as him ever again?"

Stopping in her tracks, Ruby waited right by her car door. She hadn't unlocked it yet, and for good reason. Winter was really hurt, about that? She had assumed that was something that she had enjoyed, given her response to it in the midst of their play, but now upon realising it was damaging…

"Holy shiz, I… Winter, oh my God, I'm sorry," she said quietly. "You didn’t say- okay, I know that doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt. I'm sorry I fucked up, okay? But that doesn't… doesn't mean I'm not hurt still by this. I know I shouldn't… but I just feel… feel inferior."

"Well, you shouldn't." Winter pushed a hand into her face, letting out a laugh that was more like a sob. "Now I'm going to have to fix my makeup before the meeting." Waving away that observation, she stood straighter, looking down at Ruby with a wrung-out, haunted expression.

"You think if anyone else had done what you did to me while I was talking to him, I would have pushed through it? Would have continued play? I would have kicked them out of my life completely. Never to come back. It's just… maybe, if we had discussed it beforehand, it would be another story. But you made an assumption that because I was still turned on from our play before he came in, that you could just… start in on me. And I thought I could handle it, so I didn't really try to stop you, and then…" Her head hung. "And then I was too ashamed of enjoying it to ask. I didn't want to admit it was happening, or… I don't know."

Now sadness was starting to return with a vengeance. She didn't even want to look at Winter in that moment. Seeing the damage she had done would be far too much for her heart. She had come to settle things, to pursue an incredible relationship; this was the last thing she wanted. To not just have muddled things, but to have learned she had hurt her in their previous session. She couldn't take that.

"I really am sorry," she repeated, finally unlocking the door of her car. "I-I… I don't deserve you. I'm sorry I ruined everything."

And with that, she got in, belting up and starting it before she could even reply. She needed to get back home, somewhere she could deal with her feelings.

But Winter wasn't quite finished, it seemed. Through the pane of glass and over the roar of the engine, she could just barely hear, "Ruby? Ruby, I…" And then more words that weren't loud enough.

Not loud enough to stop her. As tempting as it was to turn back, Ruby stuck to her intent, driving past Winter and out to the main road. She wanted to look back, but knew the pain would only be too great if she did. Through tearful eyes, she made her way home.

----------------------------

Penny had just returned from a job interview herself. Everything had gone quite well; they really responded well to her attitude and politeness, and said they were excited to contact her soon! Her mood felt impenetrably positive. Maybe their lives were about to go smoothly, after all.

That was, until she heard the tires squealing and the car screeching to a halt in the driveway. Someone else was not having quite as good a day. Soon enough, the door swung open. Ruby was certainly glad that she had dropped her father off before all this began; she couldn't deal with him right now. All she wanted to do was lay down and cry.

And that's what she did. Assuming that her girlfriend was still out, she went straight to the living room, throwing herself across the sofa and snatching the nearest cushion, cuddling into it as closely as she could and began to let the tears flow. Finally she could sob as loudly as she wanted, out of view from anyone who would judge her too harshly.

At least she assumed so. It was several minutes before Penny approached from the kitchen, walking softly enough in her socks that she wasn't heard. But she finally whispered in a fearful tone, "Ruby?"

Ruby gasped. Sniffing and wiping away the few tears, she turned to face her, just managing to strain her voice. "H-hey. I didn't know you were back."

"You don't have to pretend you weren't crying for me," Penny told her very simply as she knelt by the couch. "What's the matter?"

Joining Penny was a small grey Corgi, tail wiggling away as he looked up at her. Seemed he too could sense something was wrong. Mostly in need of something to cuddle other than a cushion, she shifted over on the sofa to sit upright. After picking up Zwei to place him on her lap, she patted the space by her side, inviting Penny up.

"Things went… really wrong."

Penny did join her, sliding an arm around the small of her partner's back. "In what way?"

While her hands were occupied with Zwei, she leaned against Penny instead, nuzzling her head right into her neck as she sniffed again. She barely even knew where to start! "So many, Penny. I… I fucked up. Badly."

"Shhh, shhh," Penny soothed her, hand petting along her back. "You're okay. It's okay, I'm sure you didn't mean to do whatever you did. I know you better than that, Ruby."

"I did though…" Sniffing again, she tried to nuzzle even closer. "It was something I did… I pushed the limits, I went too far…"

And with that, she went on to explain everything. She explained the session, where she had managed to get Winter off with her father right there in the room. She then explained what happened when she went over to tell her how she felt, how it turned out Winter's roommate was Qrow all this time, and how he was also doing sessions with her. In the end, she ended up crying again, whimpering as she cuddled Zwei closer.

Penny let her weep for some time before she bothered to respond. Minutes had gone by with her doing no more than shushing her and petting along her back. When Ruby's voice finally got a little less distraught, her sobs quieter, she spoke up.

"So… I promise I will try to be impartial. You both have very good points."

"I completely screwed it up, Pen," she confessed, sniffing once more. "How could I be so selfish? I should have asked her before doing that. And with Qrow I… I don't even know."

"You should have asked, yes. Personally, I find the idea of doing that in front of anyone's relatives to be disgusting, but I understand it was the heat of the moment… and that for other people, it's not the same as for me." She was being completely matter-of-fact, never taking her hand away from Ruby's back as she explained her point of view.

"I know… I know I just… I wasn't thinking. I guess I…" Blinking again, she didn't know what to really say. There was no defence for her actions; she crossed the line, that was that. "I guess I was trying to prove that I'm brave, a-and sexy? Not some… some little girl who thinks she’s grown up just because I’m over twenty-one."

"I'm sure she doesn't see you as a little girl, Ruby." Kissing the top of her head, Penny went on, "As for Qrow, I can see both sides of the issue. I don't really think either one of you is 'wrong' in this situation. Even if Winter should have considered telling you to make sure no one was left feeling uncomfortable, it wasn't an obligation; from what I understand, most Dom-sub relationships have sort of an unwritten 'non-disclosure agreement', don't they?"

"But my uncle?!" Thankfully, Ruby had calmed down a little more. Being nuzzled up to her girlfriend while having a warm pooch on her lap was certainly helping. Idly petting through his soft fur, she sighed. "I know it's dumb. But it just makes me think dumb things. What if she was sleeping with my dad? With Yang? I thought… thought she would understand why I was flipping out."

"I'm guessing that she expected you would feel this way if you found out. So she didn't tell you." Shrugging, Penny also reached over to scratch Zwei's flank. "But I definitely understand your feelings. If I found out my partner was sleeping with anyone in my family, I… well, I honestly can't say how I would react. But I wouldn't be thrilled."

"It's not the whole idea of 'I've put my mouth where my uncle’s dick has been', like I think she thinks. Like, that’s definitely gross, but she can sleep with who she wants." There was no other way to put it, as much as she wanted to word it better for Penny. Sighing as she scratched behind the dog's ear, she looked at the ground blankly. "It's… different. I can't explain why, or how, but it's the feeling that I’m not good enough, or something, so she needs someone else. Is that weird to think?"

Frowning, Penny turned to her. "But didn't you say she told you that she cares for you, after all? I mean, I know it was in the middle of an argument, but it's still her feelings."

"I know… but why should she care now?" Able to feel the tears returning again, she moved one of her hands to Penny's shoulder, using it to hug her move closely. "She said she cared, I told her I want more, she wanted the same… but I more or less spat in her face and made it all about me. I don't deserve love after that."

"What are you saying? Of course you deserve love!" With a quiet sigh, she embraced Ruby back, nuzzling into her head. "Of course you were both upset about this happening, and an argument occurred. Maybe in a few days, when things have calmed down-"

"I don't think so, Penny," she whimpered. The hand on her shirt began to grip tightly as she took in a few more shaky breaths. "If she poured her heart out to me and I cared only about myself; then what good would I be to her? I'm surprised you put up with me sometimes…"

"Don't do that to yourself," Penny admonished gently. "You were very upset. I understand that, and Winter probably did, as well. But if you want to take some time away… I will understand that, too. This is a unique situation." Kissing her head again, she added in a soft whisper, "And I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry."

Another few shaky breaths, and Ruby found herself leaning against Penny fully. The grip on her shirt loosened again, now that she was positive Penny wouldn't be leaving any time soon. Still, she wasn't in the mood to make herself feel any better. "I seriously don't know why you put up with me… I vent to you about all this stuff that shouldn't matter, about other people, other sexual situations. God… I just feel so selfish."

"And I didn't want you to start dating Winter. That felt very selfish. Human beings are selfish creatures, Ruby. Being selfless isn't the goal; it's to acknowledge your selfish desires as what they are, and work past them. That's all we can hope to do."

"You… didn't?" Taken aback, Ruby backed away from her lover for a moment, looking her in the eyes. "Then… why did you let me? I asked you if you were okay with it, and you said ‘yes’. Are you… really not okay with it?"

Penny laughed at her confusion and fear, but it was a gentle laugh. "Yes, I am. Because I want you to be happy. But that's not the same as wanting you to date her. Like if you donate blood; you don't actually want someone to stab you with a needle and drain part of you away. But you do want the other person to have the blood they need. That's far more important than worrying about your own momentary discomfort." In an undertone, she added, "Which is why I try to get to the Red Cross a few times a year."

"But… me having feelings for her…" Shuffling a little more was enough to prompt Zwei to finally hop off her, scampering straight into the kitchen afterwards. Ruby continued to look at Penny, still checking. "You know that means I'd be treating her the same as you, right? As in, romantically? That's what… what I meant when I asked."

"I see." Debating inwardly for a moment, she said, "Would you treat me as lesser than Winter? As inferior to her?"

"No way!" she reassured, finding herself gripping her shoulder again. "Absolutely not. You'd both be the same. Sure, I'd see you more, because I want to live with you; but neither of you will be inferior, I could never do that to you."

"Then why would I have a problem with that? You're happy, and you care about me the way I care about you. That's fine with me. Even if you end up dating three other women, as long as I don't get forgotten, I see no reason to be upset."

Continuing to stare a moment, Ruby was close enough to tears again. She really did have the perfect girlfriend, even if she didn't have Winter in the end. Perhaps there was still a chance, but perhaps not. Either way, Penny would be by her side. She leaned forward, kissing her lips firmly. Penny didn't hesitate in the slightest to return the kiss, pulling Ruby in as close as was possible. Grateful to have her home, and to have helped console her at least somewhat. Her hands drifted up and down her back, then settled into squeeze her even tighter.

When they broke apart, Penny whispered, "Listen. Whether or not anything was anyone's fault, you've obviously had an upsetting day. Why don't you sit back and let me make you some chicken soup and a grilled cheese sandwich? I won't even make you eat Daiya this time!"

"When you cook it, Daiya tastes fine! It's just when I try it… Well, the bathroom got a few visits from me." She hesitantly began to let her go, but before Penny could leave the room, she asked, "Maybe we could put on a movie too? I think Frozen is on Netflix…"

The ginger shook her head as she stood up, smiling. "You always reach for Disney when you're down. Set it up while I get cooking." Once reaching the door to the kitchen, she looked back. "And Ruby?"

Just as she fetched the remote and sat back down, she looked back toward her girlfriend. "Yeah?"

In her usual, oddly formal singing voice, she started singing, "I love you more today, than yesterday…" Even once she had backed into the kitchen, she kept going: "But not as much as tomorrow…"

Her girlfriend belting out oldies was all it took for Ruby to finally smile again. And she did as she nuzzled back down in the sofa, setting up Netflix. At least now Ruby was in lighter spirits, she could focus on what they were to do in the future; what she should do in regards to Winter. That was, if she even wanted to pursue her after this.

But at least Penny was still with her, and didn’t even hate her for figuring out she might be polyamorous. That would see her through anything to come.

----------------------------

Winter was exhausted down to the bone by the time she returned from her meeting. Everything had gone quite swimmingly; a new and promising young singer looked to be interested in signing to their label. That was good for business.

And so what if she had lost Ruby? It had never been a truly permanent arrangement. The whole idea was only to train her to be a better sub and then hand her off to another, trustworthy Dom. There was no sense in getting upset about it.

Except there is, an inner voice kept whispering. You liked her. You both liked each other a great deal…

Shaking her head, she stepped off the elevator and strode purposefully to her apartment door. Working herself up about it again would solve nothing. It didn't before the meeting, when she bawled in the car and made herself even later by having to touch up her makeup again, and there was no evidence that it would now.

Sat on the sofa by the time she got back was her roommate. As usual, with a bottle of non-alcoholic beer in his hand, and watching an old sitcom on TV. Nothing there had changed, at least. No doubt, however, she would have wished he was in bed, rather than sat there to remind her of the offer she had given before she left.

But that reminder never came. Instead, he watched as she entered the room and kicked her shoes off, barely saying a word. Other than, "Good meeting?"

"Fine." The answer was curt and simple. Turning toward the kitchen, she asked, "Are there any more of those in the refrigerator?"

"I think there's a couple in there. None of the real stuff, though." Unusual. Winter never particularly enjoyed beer. That was one sure sign that something was wrong. But rather than pry for now, he shuffled to one side of the sofa, giving plenty of room for her to sit when she returned. "What's the occasion, Snowbird? Run outta wine?"

"Need something stronger, and I don't want to uncork a bottle, and deal with the cork potentially breaking or… or whatever." Plopping down next to him, she took a healthy swig. "Ohhh, what a day."

"Thought you said the meeting went well?" Right away, he put his arm down across the back of the sofa behind her. Although he made no attempt to pull her in just yet, he was clearly showing he was there for her somehow. "Wanna tell a dusty old Qrow about it?"

Though it was only scarcely bemused, she did snort at his remark. "Not particularly. I… think this is something I'll have to handle alone."

She had been raising her bottle again, but after speaking the last word, she hesitated. Froze in place. Looking toward her rather than the TV, he seemed to question things in his own head for a moment. That was until eventually, after another swig, he tilted his head.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with your little 'friend' in the bathroom earlier, would it?"

Slowly, her head swung around to point at him. "My… what?" Gulping, she looked away again. "What did you see?"

More than anything, Qrow was amused. That much was shown by the small smirk on his face. "I saw a beady little silver eye spying on me when I went back to my room. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't know too many people with silver eyes. Do you?"

Immediately, she lowered her head to look into the mouth of her bottle, trembling with the effort of keeping her reactions calm. "I see. So… you know. What's been going on."

For a moment, he tried to distract himself by swirling the bottle a few times. It wasn't a situation he cared to talk about too much, but now that it was in the open, there was no choice. It would do no good reacting the same way Ruby did. Instead, he let out the breath he was holding. "If it helps, I've known way longer than she has."

"What? You… how could you have? We were both very careful! What did we mess up? How did you know?"

Putting the bottle down on the coffee table rather than distracting himself any further, he shifted his position more to face her. "You were careful, but you forget I'm a veteran. I can't exactly shut off noticing the small things. Like a couple of missed calls and texts coming through while your phone's been on the table." Lowering his head slightly, he added, "Or seeing her in the parking lot a couple of times just before I headed to Tai's."

Her mouth flattened into a thin line for a moment. Then she whispered, "I might be angry with you for lingering to see who I was with… if I weren't clearly the villain of this story."

"I never lingered. I noticed," he corrected. Although as he shifted back into a comfortable position again, he confessed, "Only time it counts as snooping was when I listened after I saw that beady eye. Didn’t hear much, but I get the picture; you like her."

"Oh, did you follow us down to the garage?" Winter demanded. "That would be the only way you could have heard that part. We didn't discuss much in the apartment today."

"Winter, I'm not attacking you here," he reassured her, leaving a moment for her to calm down before he spoke again. "I heard how she was talking, then how you responded; it made sense. If you didn't like her that way, you'd just kick her out when she got pissy. Over and done with."

Looking down again, she contemplated his words. Took another swig to give herself more time. Then she whispered, "If you knew… then why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you confront me, tell me to stop? I'm… you should have heard her screaming at me. She hates me now."

It was a fair point. Why didn't he? All this time, he knew his niece was getting involved with his standing fuckbuddy, but never said a word. In fact, he left more often, made it easier for Ruby to come over – for them to have sessions.

"It's not my place to tell you what, or who, you do," he started, picking his own drink back up. "I figured she must be giving you something you need, considering you've been in much better moods for a while. You're doing it when I'm out and I’ve never had to even see you guys hug, let alone anything worse, so I see no problem here. It’s… a little weird, yeah, but could be worse."

"It doesn't matter now. But… I appreciate your discretion." The tears were falling, even though she had been clamping down on her emotions, straining to keep herself from letting anything through. "Sh-she's gone now, and… and you don't have to worry… because she hates m-me, and… it doesn't m-matter anymo- anym-mo-"

"Hey, hey, hey." Almost as soon as he had picked the drink up again he found himself having to put it back down to wrap his arms around her, pulling her into his welcoming grasp. No moment was spared before he ended up stroking her hair, remembering that was one of the few ways to calm her down completely. But from the shaking of her voice, he could tell she would need more than a simple hug.

"What's wrong with me?" she growled into his shoulder finally, at least two minutes later. "Why am I s-so… insane?! I hate myself, I can't even h-handle the only th-thing… I work, and I take care of her, and y-you take care of me, and I was happy, and n-now it's all wrong!"

"Nothing is wrong with you, ya hear me?" He continued to pet her hair, scratching gently at her scalp to help speed up the soothing process. "She'll get over it. Ruby doesn't hold grudges. She's just… she'll just be a li’l squirmy because she found out her uncle is still getting frisky in the sheets, that's all."

"I'm disgusting!" she half-screamed into his shirt. It seemed that now that she had let loose her emotions, they would keep coming relentlessly. "Y-you're family, I should never have let this happen! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I don't know what I thought, I just liked the way everything was! You're both so important to m-me!"

"Stop that." He couldn't bear to hear her talk about herself that way when she was already dealing with so much. Holding her head delicately, he pressed his lips against her forehead, leaving a gentle kiss there. "And you're important to both of us, even if she's a little upset. You're not disgusting. You're human, and so is she. You both make mistakes."

Shaking her head, she whispered, "I shouldn't have told her. I was never going to tell her how I felt, I… had to be ready to let her go when she w-wanted to move on. But I failed, she… she dragged it out of me." Taking a deep, shuddering breath, she pulled back a little to whisper, "I thought I learned my lesson after… after Yang… but I'm still trying to control everything…"

"Hey come on, this is hardly comparable to… that. She may be Yang's sister, but I very much doubt that kind of thing would happen again." After a while, he started to relax his hold on her, just enough to give her the freedom of laying however she wanted against him. "I know Rubes. She'll be fine after a while. Right now, she's in shock, but then she'll be all over you like white on rice once she realises she was an dope for reacting how she did. Give it a few days."

"Is she, though?" The corner of her mouth twitched up hopefully. Fearfully. "I… know it can't be the best news you've ever found out, that I'm sleeping with both of you. But you really didn't hate me for it?"

"I'm not exactly pleased, put it that way. But I'm not going to scream at you for it. Like I said, it's not my choice who you do." Though his own mouth began to twitch into a smile. "So long as it's not while I'm here, of course."

"It never has been," she swore to him, face completely serious. "It wasn't today, either; she… she came here unannounced. I didn't…" Her face fell again, but she didn't fall to crying again. Not quite. "It might be my own wishful thinking, but I'm almost positive she came purely to confess her feelings."

"Ah… well, that makes things a little more awkward," he admitted, scratching the back of his head as he thought. Although he and Winter were on closer terms than most Dom-sub relationships, it wasn't more than that. He could tell it wasn't on Ruby's level. "Well… what did you tell her?"

Pursing her lips, she sighed and said, "You came home before I got the chance to answer her properly. But… I think I let it slip when we were arguing." She looked away. "Not that it matters. I don't know anything about… those kind of feelings, anyway."

Tilting his head, Qrow went to swirl his own bottle of beer once more to check if there was enough in there to make it worth drinking. "The way you try to clean up my sorry ass all the time says otherwise. And I'm… well, me." He shrugged his shoulders, giving her a light smile. "Just because you've never had this sorta thing before doesn't mean you can’t. Or shouldn’t try."

Winter thought upon that while he drank, head down and expression strained. Turning to the side, she whispered, "I am… too broken to be that person for anyone. Even a second person for Ruby. You and I work because we don't expect those feelings from each other; friendship and blowing off steam, we can handle. I can handle." Her eyes began to stream, despite that she wasn't truly crying. "And it's selfish for me to want to be with someone who I can't give my heart to… since I don't have one."

Rather than reply with words, he instead looked straight at her. Then after a moment, he placed his free hand against her neck, caressing it gently. Checking something surreptitiously. "You got a pretty quick pulse right now for someone with no heart, then, you know that?"

"Don't make light of me!" she breathed, but there was no real power in her words. "I'm… rotted fruit, damaged goods! I know I'm not technically dead, but… but what's the point in trying to sell someone defective merchandise?!"

"You need to stop doing that to yourself, Snowbird." Seeing that wasn't working, he finished the last of his beer and set it down before wrapping his arms around her, pulling her close so he could cuddle and kiss her forehead again. "You went through a lot of shit; I know that, she knows that. But you’re blaming the wrong person; those guys are the broken assholes. You’re not ‘damaged goods’, you're a person; a person who made a mistake. A human."

Winter couldn't deny that his words made sense, even if they felt wrong in her heart. So she spent a few minutes simply crying up against his chest, drinking in the comfort he offered.

"She has Penny," was the simple statement she offered when she could. "I… don't know why she would want me, too. But… thank you for s-saying what you said."

"You really gotta stop putting yourself down," he repeated, still gently stroking her back and leaving the occasional kiss in her hair. "I mean it. You always talk about yourself in such a bad light… but there's a lot of good in you, Winter. Just wish you could see it."

"All that good is me trying to make up for all the bad." Taking a deep breath, she ran a hand through her hair. "And unless you really want to thrash me with the whip tonight, I… don't know if I'm up for anything. Sorry."

Another smile pulled at his lips as he pulled her in closer a moment, speaking sarcastically. "Oh no, we don't get to bang it out tonight because you're too upset. Oh woe is me, I'll have to get myself off before I go to sleep. What a cruel world."

Laughing against her own desire to do so, she said, "I'd help, but… for some reason, I don't think I should tonight. For her." Then she sighed, rubbing at his broad back through his shirt. "But you don't have to leave the room for it, if that'll help."

"Hey, you need a good cuddling before I need to strangle the snake. So that's what you're gonna get. Priorities." This time when he reached over, it was for the TV remote, which he held out to Winter. "So choose what we're watching, and we'll just lay here and let the rest of the planet worry about itself for a while, alright?"

Even as she was still settling in against him, she asked, "You really want to hang out with somebody this mopey?" When she got no answer, she went for a different question. "Are… you okay with Harry Potter?"

[imbellarosa]

Okay so every time people question individual lines of lyrics, all those BNFs in particular practically come at people's throats for merely asking a totally valid question. Look, I get it. I've been a Lit student. I get that you can't take everything literally bc often in poems esp, it's all a carefully constructed metaphor which you have to dig deep to understand. But in terms of lyrics, everyone is always prattling on about not taking it word for word, understanding it can refer to arguments

& just emphasising 'the whole picture' & DO NOT FOCUS ON THAT ONE LYRIC. But sometimes I am so lost, like with all those lyrics e.g. 'we were in love, now we're strangers' or 'Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too', what other way are you supposed to read them if not literally? I just don't understand. This is not a question craving reassurance that they're not broken up or whatever. I have faith in them, and I'm not looking for that. But really, at the end of the day,

3. I truly do not blame people for thinking that. I know all those BNFs LOVE to have their superiority complex and snub anyone who has doubts or asks questions about hl's lyrics bc gosh they've been there since day 1 and are NEVER wary/cynical of their lyrics bc hl are perfect & it's impossible they broke up (as if we actually know them??), but I get it. I don't have an anxiety attack over lyrics like that, I don't think they are broken up, but I am mystified as I mull over them to my wits end.

4. Alright whoops so I may have gone off a tangent (unexpectedly so) but I hope someone can at least see where I'm coming from. There was supposed to be a question in there haha but I just rambled on a lot. Since I admire your flair for reading lyrics like literature and really capturing the nuances of their writing in your analyses, I wanted to know, how do you deal with lyrics like that? What thoughts do you have and how do you read them more metaphorically when it seems far too literal?

hahahaha UR TRYING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE WITH OTHER FANS I SEE U ANON kasdjfkjdak but thats okay.  first of all i LOVE this rant let’s DISCUSS lyrics! I think there are two possible scenarios here, that we can explain in different ways, as long as we are in agreement that they at least fudged some parts of the truth. There was no two-year gap, just with the timeline, there was no uni, things like that. Those things have been shifted to fit with a narrative, and I get that - they’re storytellers! So, given that, I see two possibilities.

The first possibility is what I call Operation: Superman. By day, these guys are Superman, flying around, flashing their ability, being a rock star. By night, they’re mild mannered reporter Clark Kent who just wants to go on a date with their pretty coworker (I actually really love this metaphor lmao). This means that, just like Clark Kent (or Lois Lane I think she did most of the writing), the feelings behind the words they write are true (”Superman strives to be a symbol of hope, truth and justice”) while the actual words written (”Superman is an unidentified alien who likely is *insert massively untrue thing here* irl”). For these guys, that might mean that “We were in love, now we’re strangers” translates into “people used to see that we’re special to each other, and now they see us as strangers” (lmao @ the story that they wrote perfect in separate rooms), and “maybe one day you’ll call me, and tell me that you’re sorry, too” could translate into “we really got into it, and this feels like a delicate moment, and you SUCK at saying sorry, and I wish you would, because you were wrong, too”. Heartbreak comes in many different forms, and using one kind of grief to write about another is a tactic that I’ve used a lot in the past for my own healing process. So maybe that FEELING of being alone and lost and desperate for someone to reach out and see you is real, but the situation (i.e. ‘this is about a break up’) is made up. Goodness knows that much more has been made up for much less, and this way, no one knows who Superman really is. 

The second possibility is that they broke up for a period of time. Looking at some of the more extensive archives, if i had to guess when, I would say that it was likely Feb 2016-Oct/Nov 2016? Because Louis has talked quite a bit about how when his mother took a turn for the worse, his partner was really there for him, and how it brought them closer, and the lessons it taught him about being a partner. Let’s be clear: “we were having a hard time and they stepped up and we became stronger because of it” does not have to mean “we were on a break” - it could totally mean ‘we were fighting a ton and had no clue what would be next and it wasn’t fun anymore’. But if we take it to be that they were on a break, then the lie isn’t ‘we broke up’ the lie is ‘i was broken up with someone for a few years’. 

I can see the arguments for and against both of these possibilities, and idk which I’m more inclined to believe. Sometimes I’m like “they’re Superman!” and other times I think “eh, they probably did take a break in there somewhere”. So the way I look at the lyrics is as if the whole thing was a story, and I look at them in context of the larger story.:

The first step is “what is literally being said in this song”

The next one is “what is the theme of this song/the emotion driving it, and what does that say about the person writing it”

the third one is “where does this fit in the time it was written? who would have influenced the song? what was happening at the time?” 

And from that, just like from any book, we can build an analysis. I *really* feel that answering those three questions can tell you what you need to know about how literal any given song is! We can even do a quick run through - let’s do ‘Miss You’:

The song is literally saying that they miss the person they’ve been with for a long time, and that they wish they could go back to what they used to be 

The emotions driving the song are regret, loneliness, bitterness, and longing 

They were massively pushing ‘ reformed (ish) party boy Louis’ at the time, and the song fits that narrative well. When the song was released (Dec 2017) , he’d just gotten back together with Eleanor (Feb [?] 2017)so it would have been a reflection of that time they spent apart, and how he felt when he was alone. Given that we know he’s not actually dating Eleanor, we can assume that they narrative and the things that push that might also tilt towards “not literally true”. The song was written by 7 people, and any number of people could have taken the emotions driving the song and come up with different lines, and Louis could have connected with those lines for different reasons, some of them being more literal, and some more emotional/metaphorical. 

And then, taking all those components, you decide on what you think is the most likely read of that song. I can’t tell you what to think things are about, you know? No one can! I can only tell you what *I* think makes most sense when you put art in the context in which it was written, because nothing is ever created in a bubble.  

[not-your-cautionary-tale]

K tells me that he'll see me in a short while. He has a meeting at the restaurant in the yoga community that I stay in.

What does that even mean? Is he finally going to talk to me again?

I get home and my friend is sitting at the table next to his table. Just my luck. So I sit with her, almost next to him. I am trying to act as normal as possible. Normal means that we are laughing at every minute and at everything. I don't want to sound award, like I am waiting for him. At the same time, I don't want to appear as though I am searching for attention. I don't want to feel as if I am disturbing his meeting.

After a few minutes of silently acting silly, I leave. He has my number, if he wants to speak to me when he is done, he will text me. He doesn't.

I am finally comfortable in my feelings for him, though I am feeling frustrated because it's clear that I am being led on. Letting go has been an intense process but l am getting there.

When he has left, I check in on my friend, who laments at the type of conversation she overheard. It was about sex.

Because we live in a religious community, the topic of sex is only ever seen in negative light except for procreation. That's not how the rest of the world works though. When you are in that space, it's hard to differentiate when the context of conversations on sex is sinister or when it is normal.

K's research has to deals with a specific sti. When I bumped into him months prior, he tells me that he just joined the programme because it was the only option. It's not for me to judge.

My relationship with him feels shameful. I like him and I tried to ignore him at the beginning. Then one day I tell my friend about him, who stops him while shopping at a local shop and we invite him to our yoga center. I knew that this was a big mistake but as long as I got to see him, I was happy.

Out of the shame of my desire to be his girlfriend, I constantly felt the need to have a spiritual element to our interactions instead of me just hanging out him. Though, a majority of the time we hang out outside of the community and we never spoke about the community or spirituality. I still felt like I was "preaching" to him and would talk about him to my spiritual leader.

I would also experience panic attacks because of past trauma distorting my perception of own self. Being around him would make my legs putty but I also felt a pit in my stomach. An emptiness. Emotions so intense that it felt as if they were spilling into a black hole at the core of me.

I never felt enough. He was tall, dark, handsome and intelligent. I didn't feel smart or attractive enough for him.

A few months prior to meeting him. I had just moved to this big city and I achieved my dream of living in a spiritual community. Though I felt as if I had been dropped in unfamiliar waters with little to no guidance. I struggled with sleep, so I would sit in the restaurant at night and chat to another boy who struggled with sleep. I eventually got into trouble for having male friends but I was friends and I hung out with everyone, even the girls. My story almost got spun out of proportion when the boy I used to sit with was involved in a scandal. I never recovered from that drama.

It has been over 5 years and a lot has happened. K and I stopped talking a few years ago. I've has many more experiences that has shaken my sexuality to the core.

Since leaving my religious community, i am unpacking so much religious trauma. Sex is no longer a dirty word for me, I feel like talking about it in relation to feminism, gender based violence and female bodily autonomy. It's hard though. After every Facebook post where I share a little bit of my thoughts, I can the potential disappoint and the jeers.

It may be all in my head but the fear is based on conversations that I have participated in in the past.

I see myself empowering girls in ways that I was not empowered growing up. Learning to love their bodies. Learning to not control the access of their bodies based on anyone else's desire but their own. Learning to prioritize pleasure. Learning to be okay with celibacy. Learning to have conversations about intimacy. All the things that we are not taught.

I also prepare myself to treated like a leper in spaces that I used to love. I prepare to hear "I told you so." and I prepare to have to ward off unwarranted attention.

I comfort myself from my anxieties by remembering that the future is not certain and what people say behind my back is none of my business eitherway.

I will do what's best to keep myself and other women safe in the world, especially from the weight of other people's opinions and our struggles to choose self.

Choosing yourself will always be important.

[russeliarat]

Don’t you ever fucking suggest the idea that you are worth dying Russ. In what world are you making everyone around you miserable? If I am miserable talking to you than why am I even here?? If I was miserable I would walk away.

If you would like to know, I have before had the thought process that maybe it would be okay if I wasn’t here, it would be better for everyone. And then I woke the hell up and realized that offing myself would only hurt others. Not even just personal relationships, it affects a ton of people.

We feel intense emotion when someone has to do something drastic: rob a bank because they need money, run away because of their home life, or kill themselves because they either find it better for themselves or others. Suicide hurts the most because there is nothing you can do beyond that point to help because the person is dead.

And don’t even get me started on the PERSON SUFFERING THEMSELF.

I cannot describe to you what I entirely think about this in the limited language we have, the word I’m looking for is more specific than that one German word that specifies an old lady walking across the street with a fish or something like that I don’t know.

I have a Bo Burnham mindset when it comes to the world, an existential terror at what monster we’ve created, at what horror is to come, that there is no hope for a better future and one day we’re going to destroy this planet. But I’m still here, I’m still living my life, I’m still having fun and smiling and experiencing new things. Sometimes I mess up, sometimes I’m around people who belittle me, or who dislike me, or who infantilize me (it happens to me so fucking much) , but I don’t let those things drag me down.

I’m too busy loving existence, and finding joy no matter where I am (except anywhere near that one teacher FUCK HER-) . There is something from a podcast I listen to that describes my thoughts perfectly - no matter where you are, no matter how bad things may be, I think you can find joy. I found joy simply talking to you, and I took that joy as another reason to wake up the next day.

Most actions are selfish yeah, and maybe you’re right and it is selfish to crave death. It doesn’t matter how selfish you are, not to me at least, in my bed at five a.m. So don’t you ever say you are worth dying or I’m coming over to your ass and dunking your head in cold ass water until it clicks in your head that you are not the root of all suffering, that’s Hitler’s role.

Anyway, I just woke up and am about to keel over and sleep, timezones amr?

Being honest here, I'm not even sure why I posted that. I made it at like 3am when I spiralled hard and didn't know what else to do. I regret it deeply to be honest, I don't really want anyone to see me in that state ever, it's more than embarrassing.

I think it's been more than an understatement to call the last few weeks rough, it's been tougher than ever. You and others who visit frequently help me a lot to deal with this kind of shit but I never want to pressure anyone into feeling obligated to stay here. My feelings on this kind of thing is really complicated - I yearn for comfort and support but at the same time, I don't want anyone to become troubled because of my behaviour (something I've had to learn the hard way).

[sometimesrosy]

Hi Rosy! I'd love your advice. I've been dealing with a rough medical situation over the last number of months. It's hard to treat but I'm working hard to heal my body with whole foods, exercise, meditation, good sleep etc etc. My 100 fandom friends have been great support and fun to talk to. But a lot of friends/family IRL just don't fully get that this has been traumatic and shocking for me because I mostly "look fine" on the outside. I've had people I'm close to make all kinds of comments-

-if I can’t fully beat this physically, then I can always see a counselor for the emotional toll it takes or being flippant about it saying “it could always be worse, and I should be grateful it’s not” or treating my actual disease as if it were a bad haircut that will go away. All I really want is emotional support and encouragement from people telling me to believe that I’m healing. Is this just hard for people to give? Do you have to tell them what you need? Are people just too self-absorbed-

-to check in on their friends and family and treat their (very real) concerns like they’re real? This whole process has made me see how so much of what we talk/fight about is stupid and petty. It’s given me more compassion for the sick too. And I’m super grateful for The 100 fandom for helping me get through it. I just wondered if you had any thoughts around this idea of difficult health times / emotional support. thank you!

To be honest, nonny. I don’t know. And I don’t know because I’ve been struggling with chronic illness for the last few years, and that is probably partly why I’m here so much, because I don’t have energy for more activity.

I do not think that people are able to understand fully what other people’s existences are like, especially if they can’t SEE the trouble. I have chronic fatigue and ptsd and generalized anxiety, but it just looks like I’m not getting up and doing anything. From the outside, I look fine. Even when people try to be helpful, it comes like, “oh that happens to me too, you just need to exercise more,” and like, I exercised for 30 minutes and ended up with a 3 day migraine, and to be honest, I’ve been exhausted since, and that was a week and a half ago. Or like suggesting meditation for my anxiety, and like yeah, it does help, but I’m already incorporating five different variations of meditation (deep breathing, acupressure, yoga, journaling, drawing) and it’s still just SLOW healing. Sometimes people want to help, even if it’s not really something they can help with.

I just don’t know if everyone CAN understand. You can keep telling them. And maybe if they’re around a lot they start to get it. Like my mom SAW that three day migraine, and when I said it was from going swimming she mentioned it as an ‘excuse’ to not go again (because I’m never active enough and always trying to get out of things) and I got defensive, but actually, she didn’t mean it like that. She meant it like a “reason,” and that meant it was something to be aware of and to work up to. So even though she’s spent some time not really believing I was sick, she’s starting to see it now. “Migraine” she understands. So tired I can’t connect my thoughts and can’t really do anything she doesn’t understand so much.

What can you do? You have to set your own boundaries and believe in yourself and your self care enough to not let disbelievers put you off what you need to do. But also, recognize that understanding takes TIME. I mean, lets be real, it takes  a while to process your own illness, and you’re living inside of it. 

If you get support on tumblr…you use that support. If tumblr gets to be too much, you take a break or dial back. If one person doesn’t understand you and pushes you too hard, maybe limit your time with them to activities that don’t push your boundaries. Do you know that answering asks sometimes help me focus my brain when I’m struggling, but then sometimes, it’s just too much and I’m too tired and fandom is too anxiety provoking (I’ve been having an anxiety attack since that hijacking thing, and I’m not looking to be dramatic, I’m just looking to take care of myself) and that is when I need to pull back. Do what works until it doesn’t work and then back off. Don’t feel guilty about not living up to commitments, because right now, your health is your first commitment.

does any of that help? it’s basically just how your question is affecting me in my life, so I hope it does. i don’t have the perspective I might have if I weren’t also dealing with it. i might be too close. i’m still working it out. (also I’m a freaking hermit, so if people don’t support me it’s really easy for me to lose contact with them. “lose contact.”)

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING STARTUPS

The world of investors is a foreign one to most hackers—partly because investors are so unlike hackers, and partly because they're more confident. Those helped get it started, but now that the reaction is self-sustaining what drives it is the people. It would be a bad sign if they weren't; it would mean they'd overlooked a good opportunity. If a startup gets into real trouble, instead of being impressed that you're half way through? A few years out it gets harder to find them. The four causes: open source, which makes hardware geometrically closer to free; the Web, which makes hardware geometrically closer to free; the Web, which makes promotion free if you're good; and better languages, which make development a lot cheaper. Before that, the default way to make it even more attractive. It's easier to get people to fight for an idea. Our first batch, in the sense of its origins and its semantic core.

But if you're starting a company, it would seem unprofessional. When I asked her what specific things she remembered speakers always saying, she mentioned: that the way to do it. In any period, it should be easy to figure out exactly what happened inside the motel—exactly what was killing all the potential startups. VisiCalc made the Apple II. The thing that really sucks about having a regular job will stay close to 0%. Angels are different in this respect. That's what I want to find general recipes for discovering what you can't say, it's often because they're experts on an earlier version of the world persists. But building new things takes too long. An organization that wins by exercising power starts to lose the ability to win by virtue of some appeal it had to programmers specifically.

It was simply a fad. Large-scale investors care about their portfolio, not any individual company. If the world had a single, autocratic government, the labels and studios could buy laws making the definition of property be whatever they wanted. Because VCs like publicity. But that gives them confidence to keep working, and their performance improves. Whatever help investors give a startup tends to be the most common complaint you heard about Apple was that their fans admired them too uncritically. What can't we say? Result: this revolution, if it is one, will be unusually localized.

It wouldn't be a competitor funded by the other. Several of the most valuable things I learned from Villehardouin's chronicle is not what they buy startups for, but their strategic value. Actually I suppose Apple has a third misconception: that all the complaints about App Store approvals are not a serious problem. If VCs are frightened at the idea of the right thing. If something that seems like work to other people pitch mostly terrible projects, deciding whether to fund them, and another that will seem an anathema. We paid $3000 for a server with a 90 MHz processor and 32 meg of memory. Really, Google was funded with angel money. But companies do. The outer limit may be as low as 16. Did we actually dress like that? Copy only what you genuinely like.

Your mind is like a pass/fail course for the founders, because they weren't really saying anything. Half? I assumed that was the highest form of writing. It's not super hard to get a cofounder for a project that's just been funded, and we'd rather have cofounders committed enough to sign up for something super hard. I care about startups. I feel like I understand determination a bit better now. We had to pay $5000 for the Netscape Commerce Server, the only software that then supported secure http connections. No one who has studied the history of technology would want to be CFO of a public company now. I've been surprised to discover how emotional investors can be. Chance meetings produce miracles to compensate for the disasters that characteristically befall startups. The more and more varied experience a belief survived, the less you can predict how people will use it.

There are certainly costs to raising money. When experts are wrong, it's often because they're experts on an earlier version of the change I'm seeing. If you're one of these people, you probably are. They may know, because they get the pick of all the new deals. By obstructing that process, Apple is making them do bad work, and programmers hate that as much as Apple would. Most investors are looking for Larry and Sergey say you should come work as their employee, when they didn't get jobs themselves? We'll bet a seed round you can't make yourself care. The spread of the Industrial Revolution was not fighting the principle that bigger is better. The stories that seemed to be that there was something there; it just didn't percolate all the way up into conscious knowledge.

Moral fashions don't seem to be entering a new era based on measurement. The more willful you are, the more important it is for founders to have people to ask for advice. I was a founder I used to think all VCs were the same. It's conventionally fixed at 21, but different people cross it at greatly varying ages. I just bought a new 27 iMac a couple days ago. It could be that, because it's getting so cheap to start a startup with you, because everyone has base impulses, and if they don't, the cleverest business model in the world of startups. If no one wants to work with you on your current idea, switch to an idea people want to work on a Python project than you could to work on it. Not because they contribute more to the startup, but I don't think startups account for all the shift from credentials to measurement. So it's likely that visitors from the future would agree with at least some of the most valuable things I learned from Villehardouin's chronicle is not what I remember from it, it offered the highest ratio of income to boringness of anything I'd done, by orders of magnitude. And for programmers the paradox is even more pronounced: the language to learn, if you have a family and want to start it. This is understandable with angels; they invest on a smaller scale and don't like to say no. He showed how, given a handful of other US cities, but they're not entirely orthogonal.

So when you see statements being attacked as x-ist or y-ic substitute your current values of x and y, whether in 1630 or 2030, that's a straightforward criticism, but when he attacks a statement as divisive or racially insensitive instead of arguing that it's false, we should start paying attention. Why do it if you don't need determination to drive you; it's what you'd do anyway. A reporter once asked David Beckham if there were any language problems at Real Madrid, since the players were from about eight different reasons mixed together in their heads, and don't know themselves which are biggest. My friend Trevor Blackwell built his own Segway, which we called the Segwell. My hypothesis is that the more willful you are, the more important it is to be able to hire better programmers, because they'll attract only those who cared enough to learn it. In a company founded by two people, 10% of the ideas in an essay to happen after you start writing it, and that people should work for another company for a few years he could probably find someone local to make him one. In our advice about getting traffic from search engines I don't think startups account for all the shift from credentials to measurement. Even if Internet-related applications only become a tenth of the world's economy.

Thanks to the guys at O'Reilly, Harjeet Taggar, Trevor Blackwell, Ron Conway, Aaron Swartz, and Jeremy Hylton for inviting me to speak.

[cbshearer]

Since shortly after release weekend, I’ve been corresponding with someone who worked closely on the production of TROS and works for one of the major companies I cannot disclose here. I have verified the source to my satisfaction. To protect the source, I am rewording what we spoke about over the last two weeks and am submitting it to you in bullet point format I have written based on what they told me. The TLDR is that they were upset with the final product of TROS and wanted to share their perspective on how it went down and where it went wrong.The leakers for TROS had an agenda and are tied to Disney directly. My source confessed that they have an agenda as well in that they struggle with ignoring what’s been happening to someone who they think doesn’t deserve it.JJ always treated everyone on and offset with respect so my source’s agenda is that what Disney has done to JJ and how much they screwed him over should be something people are at least aware of, whether you like him as a filmmaker or not.Disney was one of the studios who were in that Bad Robot bidding war last year. Disney never had much interest in BR as a company but they did in JJ because they saw WB (who JJ went with in the end) as a major threat.JJ is very successful at bringing franchises back like Mission Impossible, Star Trek and Star Wars. WB is struggling with DC and aside from Wonder Woman, DC is still seen as a bit of a joke in its current state by the GA.WB wants Abrams for some DC projects. My source said that this generation’s Star Wars is the MCU, and Marvel’s biggest threat is a well operational DC. They want to keep DC in the limbo that they’re in right now. Abrams jumpstarting that franchise with something like a successful, audience-pleasing Superman movie makes them nervous. Their goal is to make JJ look bad to potential investors/shareholders.My source mentioned this shortly after the premiere: “The TROS we saw last night was not the TROS we thought we worked on”.JJ was devastated and blindsided by this. He’s been feeling down over the last 6 months because of some of the ridiculous demands Disney had that changed his movie’s story. While the scenes were shot, a lot of the changes were made in post-production and the audio was rerecorded and altered. My source said they’ve never seen anything like this happen before. He’s the director and he wasn’t in the know about what they were doing behind his back.Apparently, JJ felt threatened over the month leading up to the premiere.Rian was never meant to do IX despite some rumors that he was.JJ was brought back by Iger, not KK. Disney insisted on more fan service, less controversy.JJs original agreement when he signed on was indicating he would have way more creative control than he did on TFA. It became evident this wasn’t the case only a couple of weeks into shooting when the trouble with meddling started.JJ wanted to do some scenes he thought were important but Disney shut it down citing budgetary reasons.May 2019: JJ argued that those scenes were crucial. He had to let go of one of the scenes. The other scene he insisted on was approved at first. He did reshoots and additional photography in July. The new scene was shot at BR in October.The “ending that will blow your mind” was a part of this. Older actors were included like Hayden, Ewan and Samuel and anyone who wasn’t animated. The force ghosts weren’t meant to be voices because they shot that footage on camera. The actors were in costumes. Rey was supposed to be surrounded by the force ghosts to serve as sort of a barrier between her and the Sith surrounding them.My source thinks but can’t 100% confirm that this is because of China. It’s an office talk of sorts. Some VFX people claimed they got a list of approved shades of blue they could use on the Luke force ghosts. Cutting this out was when the bad blood turned into a nightmare for JJ because the movie he was making was suddenly unrecognizable to him in almost every way.My source knows JJ well enough to know that he’s just not the yelling type but apparently in a meeting he yelled something along the lines of “Why don’t you just put ‘directed and written by Lucasfilm’ then?” My source wasn’t present for that exchange but knows some who were.Disney demanded they shoot some scenes that would have things in it for merchandise. “They fly now” is one of them. It’s also JJ’s least favorite scene. At a November screening of a 2:37 cut, he cringed, groaned and laughed when the scene was on.My source says that JJ was most likely not joking when he said “you’re right” in the interview where they asked him about TROS criticism.JJ’s original early November cut was 3 hours 2 minutes long.In January, JJ suggested that they turn this into two films. My source told me this well before Terrio mentioned it in an interview a couple of days ago. When Disney said no, JJ was content with making this 3 hours long.Over a period of 9 months JJ started realizing that one by one his ideas and whole scenes were being thrown out the window or entirely altered by people who have “no business meddling with the creatives”.They were not on the same page when it came to creative decisions and it became obvious that Disney had an agenda in addition to wanting to please shareholders. Disney could “afford messing up IX for the sake of the bigger picture” when it came to protecting things unrelated to IX.The cut JJ eventually and hesitantly agreed to in early December was 2:37 minutes long. It wasn’t the cut we saw which he wouldn’t have approved of (and which is 2:22 long). Apart from the force ghosts, there were other crucial and emotional scenes missing. The cut they released looked “chopped and taped back together with weak scotch tape” (JJ's words).The movie opened with Rey’s training. Her first scene with Rose was shortly after Rey damaged BB-8 during the training. Rose made a silly joke about how Poe is going to kill her for damaging BB-8. There was a moment where Rey took a minute to process what just happened when she saw that vision during training. She looked distressed and worried. The next scene was noise as the Falcon was landing and Rey runs over there. Those two women who kissed at the end were visible in this shot and they were holding hands. One of them ran towards the Falcon as it landed.Kylo on Mustafar scene was 2 mins longer. There was a moment where Kylo seemed a bit dizzy and his vision was shown as blurry for a second. Almost as if time half-stopped while everyone in the background was slow-mo fighting. Kylo hears Vader's breathing, then shakes his head and time goes back to moving at a normal pace and he jumps right back into the battle (the scene from the trailer where he knocks that guy down which did end up in the movie later).They cut some of the scenes from the lightspeed skipping segment. Some of the planets that were cut were Kashyyyk, Naboo, and Kamino.The scene where the tie fighters are chasing them through the iceberg - those corridors were inspired by a video game JJ used to play in the 90s called Rebel Assault 2 (the third level in the game with the tunnels on Endor specifically).Jannah was confirmed to be Lando’s daughter.Rey not only healed Kylo's face scar but she killed Kylo when she healed Ben. Kylo ceased to exist when Rey healed him. My source mentioned that some people assume it was Han Solo who healed him but that isn’t true and that wasn't Han Solo. That was Leia using her own memories as well as Ben's to create a physical manifestation of his own thoughts to nudge him towards what he needed to do. That was her own way of communicating that with him. And it wasn't possible without her dying in the process. She made the ultimate sacrifice for her son and this flew over people's heads with the Disney cut.The late November cut (the last cut JJ approved of) had scenes with Rose and Rey still. JJ wanted to give her a more meaningful arc. Disney felt that that was too risky too. My source mentioned that Chris Terrio said that it was because of the Leia scenes but this is only partially true because she had four other scenes including two with Rey/Daisy that Leia was not in.Finn wanting to tell Rey something was always meant to be force sensitivity. In the 3 hour cut, it’s explicitly stated. There was a moment when Jannah and he were running on top of that star destroyer and Finn needed to unlock or move something and he force-moved it and acted surprised when it happened. This was replaced with a CGI’d BB-8 fixing whatever he needed to fix on there.Babu Frik was nearly cut because some execs at Disney thought he would be the new Jar Jar. They are really surprised that people love him this much. He was JJ's idea and was created in collaboration with some artists and puppeteers. The personality was all JJ.There were a bunch of scenes where Rey and Kylo (separately) went through quiet moments of reflection to deal with what they were going through. On her part, her going through the realization that there's something sinister about her past. Him going through regret and remorse but trying to shut it out. My source said that the Kylo scenes were especially amazing because of Adam's performance and how he managed to portray that inner turmoil. It provided much more context and added deeper meaning to both his battle with Rey and the final redemption arc at the end. It didn't happen so suddenly and it was more structured than what we got.The Kylo/Rey scene where he dies was at least 4 minutes longer with more dialogue. Ben was always supposed to die. Source also added that if he wasn’t, then that might’ve been in an earlier draft which they haven’t read. The first draft they read included Lando (the first few didn’t). The Reylo kiss and Ben’s death was not part of the reshoots. It was a part of the re-editing. Even the cut that JJ thought was coming out earlier this month had a longer version of that scene than what was shown in the theatrical cut.JJ was against the Reylo kiss (or Reylo in general). This was Disney's attempt to please both sides of the fandom.JJ was not happy with where TLJ took the story. The final result is a mix of that story and the story told by Disney and whoever they tried to impress (“certainly not the fans”). JJ is gutted over the final result. Star Wars means a lot to him. He had to sacrifice large chunks of the story in TFA but he was promised more creative control on TROS and instead the leash they had him on was only tightened as time went by. A source said that this is the one franchise and the one piece of his work that he didn't want to mess up and instead it turned into his worst nightmare. When he found out that he was blindsided with the cut they presented, he said "what the fuck??" when Kylo was fighting the Knights of Ren at the end and the Williams music that was used for it was not what he wanted at all. He seemed to think it was out of place.JJ's cut still exists and “will always exist”. We most likely will never see it unless “someone accidentally leaks it.”Ok, so there you have it. If there are questions, I will try to follow up with my source but it’s up to them if they want to share more so I cannot guarantee an answer.Edit: I forgot one thing that the source wanted included, concerning FinnPoe in TROS:The source asked about FinnPoe after seeing Oscar Isaac's comment about how Disney didn't want it to be a thing. This is true. JJ fought to make this happen. This is why Oscar is blaming Disney. It's not just a random throwaway comment. He knows for a fact that it was Disney because these discussions happened. The main cast is insanely close with JJ and are just as pissed, though seemingly more outspoken about it than JJ. During TFA, Disney was hesitant to hire John Boyega because a woman was front and center so they deemed that risky enough so bringing in a male lead who's black made them nervous. JJ fought to make that happen for about nine months before getting approval. The same issue came up when JJ fought to have Finn&Poe in TROS but he lost that battle as he lost many creative battles for this film. Many people, JJ included, came to the realization during this production that the story really is told by shareholders/investors instead of the creatives or anyone at Disney specifically. He tried to make a lot of things happen and was shut down because of this. They had him on a leash and many blame TLJ for the stricter creative approach. via /r/saltierthancrait