#it's bread and circus. come on gang

[sushisocks]

bro it makes me so mad how ppl say sean didn’t need a break after getting recused by the bounty hunters becuz he got a party but whats ur opinions on it???

Obviously, I think way too much about Sean, and read very much into a lot of smaller things when it comes to him. I imagine the people who say Sean didn't need a break after his rescue would think I read too much into his character, and I may perhaps even be hit with a 'its not that deep bro', but that has never really stopped me, lol.

And I will wholeheartedly disagree with those who say he did not need a break. I think believing that, taking this aspect at face value, is disregarding one of the game's strongest points; environmental storytelling. A lot of what we learn about the gang members in this game, is through just hanging out at camp. Not only do you get to be privy to scenes and interactions that tell us about the interpersonal dynamics, but the characters also have daily routines and habits that tell you things about them!

And see, in Horseshoe, sometimes Sean walks funny at camp even without having had anything to drink ahead of time. You could read this as a bug but I personally think there's a more obvious reason behind it. He's quick to sit down or lean against things, during his shifts on watch AND otherwise. Other people here on tumblr have pointed out how he barely eats, or clearly struggles to.

Now consider what Sean actually TELLS us, in his rescue mission. He had his teeth pulled, his feet burned. And I don't know about you, but that sure does sound like things that would leave a mark - not necessarily a visible one, but one that would affect behavior, because pain does.

When I had my wisdom teeth pulled, I was on painkillers for days after. I also had one done at a time, so that I could use the opposite side of my mouth to chew my food while one side healed, and I still struggled to eat.

Do you think Sean was shown the same courtesy?

He has a front tooth missing - in what world is eating comfortable? Do you think he has the strength, then, to be up on his feet all the time? Feet which, most likely, are still healing from being burned??? Like, what is the logic in taking Sean being fine at face value, here?? Do we actually believe Dutch is a good and competent leader, now?!?

And like, I'll say it, Sean 100% played down what he'd been through. I could go on at length about my thoughts about the reasons why, as pertaining to the role he performs in the gang, excitement and relief and adrenaline about being free again, not wanting to appear weak, etc etc. But I also do think, then, that it's almost a little bit silly to not extend him the same courtesy as we do many of the other characters of this game, and consider what this experience might actually have been like for him.

Sean, Arthur, and Javier were all kidnapped and tortured. All three of them. And they all had it real fucking bad. Can we, like, let ourselves sit with that for a moment? And acknowledge that Sean had it just as bad as the other two??

He was also stuck in that situation for the longest!!! At least two fucking weeks, minimum, while Javier and Arthur's experiences were for -- two to four days?

The difference is of course that Arthur and Javier both had their experiences shown on screen, and they both got to rest afterwards.

Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent, back to the party thing.

Ultimately, Sean is given a party because the gang needs a party. They are still recovering after Blackwater and Colter; they are in dire need of levity and fun, which is given through something to celebrate. They need a distraction. These are the things which Sean performs and gives the gang; the party isn't even really for him; it's for what he represents, and what his return represents. The party isn't what he needs, and he sure as hell was not well enough to just jump back into action.

What he needs, what he should have had, is a break after the shit he went through. He wasn't given permission for that though, not from their leader and not socially from anyone else, and furthermore he didn't really give himself permission for it. You have to do his rescue mission before pouring forth oil, because the second Sean is back, he's looking for jobs, and he wants in on the train robbery.

He's working, immediately.

(The fact that people actually believe him lazy just because he doesn't do as much as Arthur, the gang's workhorse, after returning from being held and tortured by bounty hunters, is insane to me. Yall are gonna believe Arthur about that?? According to him, all the guys in camp save Charles are lazy!)

Idk, what I find the strangest about takes like these is like... Most of the other characters are worthy of discussion, analysis, and discourse. But - not even the game, but characters in the game, who show themselves to have their own faults and prejudices as well - tell us Sean is lazy and easy-going and fun and that's all he is, and we believe it? Where did the critical thinking go??

[ichorai]

reset me ; wade wilson.

track twelve of BROKEN MACHINE.

pairing ; wade wilson (deadpool) x mutant!reader (gender-neutral)

synopsis ; charles sends you to recruit deadpool into the x-men. expectedly, the bastard tries to weasel away from you—and when that doesn’t work, he resorts to his most lethal method: flirtation. that, and taping a kick me sign on your back.

words ; 1.3k

themes ; comedy, mild fluff and action, mutant au

warnings / includes ; mild injury/violence, sexual jokes and foul language, a lil bit of banter/terrible flirting, reader has the mutant ability to harness energy into ropes, wade steals blind al's crocs, reader's implied previous romantic relationship with wolverine, mentions of the rest of the x-men :)

Wade’s place smelled like greasy pizza, put-out cigarettes, and old socks. The door wasn’t locked—in fact, it was slightly ajar, and you could clearly hear Wade and Al bickering about missing Crocs.

“I swear I put them right here!” she vehemently exclaimed, gesturing to a potted plant. 

Wade rolled his eyes. “Right—because you always hang your Crocs on our leafy greens.” 

Al shuffled somewhere into the back of the house, complaining loudly to herself. 

You took that as your cue to silently step in, standing just behind Wade, noting with mild amusement that he was wearing a pair of white Crocs. The very ones Al was searching for, you presumed.

In the blink of an eye, Wade whirled about on the heel of his squeaky, rubbery footwear and brandished a knife. Its strangely warm blade slotted against your throat just as you defensively raised your hands.

“Watch it, Wade,” you warned, though you were not at all worried. His knife lowered and flipped back into the depths of his fluffy bathrobe when he realized who you were. 

“Oh. It’s you,” he said. The discolored flesh of his face twitched with a grin. “Did Mr. Metal Dick send you? The bullwhip substitute to watch over the class?” He snickered at his own joke, recalling your mutant ability to harness energy into the form of ropes.

“Piotr is off on vacation with Kitty,” you replied, propping your hands up on your hips.

Wade tipped his head back and guffawed. “Do you think he stays that way under the sheets?”

With a grimace, you pinched the space between your brows and sighed loudly. “Jesus, Wade—I don’t fucking know. Why don’t you ask him next time you see him?”

“Good idea.” He shuffled off to shuck open a box of day-old pizza on the table. “You want?”

“No thanks.”

“You sure? It’s pepperoni. You know how expensive it is to get pepperoni nowadays, in this economy? I’m offering you gold flakes on bread, here.”

“Mhm, I’ll pass.” After a considerable silence, only filled with Wade’s loud munching, you tested the waters by saying, “Charles actually sent me.”

Wade gestured at a chair and nudged for you to take a seat. “McAvoy or Stewart?” 

“What? Charles Xavier, who’s McAvoy and Stewart?” You sank down onto the creaky wooden chair, frowning at the baby powder rimming the backboard. It was probably Al’s. Wouldn’t be surprised if it was Wade, though.

Ignoring your question, Wade tilted his head and asked, “How’s Yukio? And her emo-face Megasonic Nuclear Bomb-Head girlfriend?”

You smiled slightly, remembering how they were pestering Logan, who’d been working on fixing a motorcycle back at the mansion when you left. 

“They’re fine. Wolvie, too.”

“No way!” exclaimed Wade. “Logie’s there, too? Jesus—whole damn gang’s there.”

“Except you,” you pointedly said.

Wade paused mid-chew. “Oh. Oh-ho-ho, I know what you’re doing here. Charles wants me to join his rag-tag team of circus freaks.”

“Wade—”

“The answer is no.”

“Come on—”

“And he wants me to be around all those kids? In a school? Has he met me?”

“Believe me, I don’t know what he’s thinking, either,” you told him, scoffing. “You’re the last person I’d expect to be on the team but… I trust Charles. If he wants you in, there must be a reason why.”

Holding his hands out, Wade shook his head. “Listen, I’m flattered, really, but Deadpool works solo. Except for that one time I formed the X-Force. But that was a team of people I hand-picked! The X-Men just doesn’t sound up my alley, y’know?”

You blew out a breath and fixed him with a serious expression. “Some day you’re gonna have to pull your head out of your ass and realize that there are people out there who are willing to be your friends. Your family. Don’t throw it away, Wade.”

A muscle in his jaw ticked as he studied you. 

“You’re really bad with rejection, aren’t you?” he finally asked, quirking up a brow—or, at least where his eyebrow used to be—and crossed his arms. The Crocs he’d stolen from Al squeaked as he stood up and gestured to the door. “I’m surprised you didn’t go running back to Charles the moment I said no. I’m beginning to think you have a crush on me, or something. Not that I blame you. My face may be fucked but my dick works better than ever. Just ask Al. She’s blind as a bat, but she hears everything in this damn house.”

Immediately, you grimaced. “Ugh. Don’t be crass.”

“What? I thought you were into broken men. Like to pick up their pieces, don’cha? You and Wolvie had that fling once, no? He told me all about it.” 

In truth, Logan had told him little to nothing about his brief relationship with you, but Wade had ruthlessly pestered him anyway. 

You stiffened at his words, glowering. “You’re exasperating.”

“And you’re looking awfully lovely today. That frown really accentuates your eyes. Makes you look about a decade older.” Wade leaned his weight onto the table, leering over you, patting your back twice. “I find it very attractive.”

With a flick of your hand, a crimson coil of your harnessed energy shot out and thwacked him in his side, and he hissed out a string of curses, backing away from you. You’d burned right through his fluffy white robe, to his simultaneous dismay and astonishment.

“Jesus!” Wade glanced incredulously from you to the slight, shallow gash that formed by his ribs, already starting to heal itself. “That’s actually—that was so fucking cool. Do it again!”

Clearing your throat, you pushed yourself away and stood up. “Final time I’m asking. Yes or no?”

Wade pretended to give it a long, hard think. “Mmh…” He wrinkled his nose. “No.”

“Fine,” you said, rolling your eyes up to the ceiling. “When Piotr comes back from vacation, he’s going to find you and he’s not gonna go as easy on you as I have.”

“Ooh, ouch. Hope he brings some lube with him.” Wade grinned wolfishly.

Completely fed up with him, you ripped out a wad of paper and a pen from your jacket’s pocket, scribbling down your phone number. You folded it in half before shoving it against his chest.

“I’m not giving up on you. I’m a competitive person, Wade. If Piotr was the one to convince you to join, I just wouldn’t be able to bear it.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re literally obsessed with me, I get it,” he remarked, sparing you a lopsided beam. He made a show of pocketing your number on the side of his robe that wasn’t burnt. “You little minx, you.”

With a final flick of your hand, you lashed out another coil around his foot, and made your way to the door just as he fell back onto the couch with a muffled oomf! 

Just as you left, you heard Wade cackling to himself through the door you left partially ajar, just as it was when you came in. You chalked it up to him finding it funny that you managed to trip him over with your powers, and strode away from the shoddy house with your lips twitching upwards. 

Wade, however, was laughing because he’d successfully pulled off taping a kick me sign onto your back without you noticing. A low and childish blow, but would certainly make for some fun banter whenever he saw you again—which, he suspected, would be pretty soon.

Plus, Wade thought you were pretty cute when you were riled up.

[project1939]

(Cast of What's My Line? on top, Lucy and Ethel fight a loaf of bread, bottom)

Day 21- TV and Radio: 

TV: 

What’s My Line?, season 3, “Arthur Godfrey,” March 30th, 1952. 

I Love Lucy, season 1, episode 25, “Pioneer Women,” March 31st, 1952. 

Radio: 

The Big Show, episode 54, March 30th, 1952. 

Mr. and Mrs. North, “Death in the Dark,” March 25th, 1952. 

The premise of What’s My Line? is this: What’s my line= line of work. A panel of four witty and funny personalities guess the occupations of different guests. Usually 2 “normal” non-famous people with unusual jobs come out, and the panel has to guess in a “20 questions” kind of format. The last guest is a famous person. The panelists wear blindfolds, so they cannot see who it is. The celebrities often disguise their voice in some way as well. It’s a show that always makes me laugh out loud. This week the first guest embroidered blankets for elephants to wear in the circus, the second lady made lipstick, and the celebrity was Arthur Godfrey. Most people born after the early 1960s don’t remember who he was. He was a huge radio and tv personality that the country adored because of his folksy speaking manner and his natural use of tone and volume. People felt as if he was a friend speaking to them. Unfortunately behind the scenes he was kind of a jerk, and he eventually got his comeuppance for it. He cruelly fired one of his people on the air and was also caught saying some bad things when he didn’t know he was on air. His sponsors pulled out, and his career fell apart. 

I Love Lucy was a classic this week. She and the whole gang made a bet on who could survive longer living without modern technology- the men or the women. The scenes where Lucy and Ethel are trying to make bread still kill me today. You’ve probably seen the scene (or pictures of it) of Lucy taking the monstrously large loaf of bread out of the oven. 

...And now a word from today’s best sponsor: Stopette! Poof! There goes Perspiration! Do you want to stop the life-ruining problem of body odor? Would you like to eradicate it so you actually have a chance of being married and avoiding the inevitable social shunning that will follow? Would you like to give your mother grandchildren? Well, all it takes is one “deft squeeze” on a bottle of Stopette! Its fine mist will ensure you don’t die alone and unloved in a smelly room! 

[darthwheezely]

i walk the line - f.w. - 1

1950s american carnival! au

Summary: The Weasley Bros. Circus has always been a family affair...until they pick up a highly unusual girl with wicked talents...

Warnings: 1950s America and all the shit that comes with it, NSFW/SMUT MINORS NO INTERACTING :) , alcohol usage, cussing, tw violence (fights), carny folk, contortionist, language and desc of intense circus acts, clowns, sad boy George, GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF BULLYING IN THIS CHAPTER, angst

taglist or people that may like this! DM to be added or removed @cappsikle @lumosandnoxwriting @whizboingies @virgohufflepuff @officialwizardwheezes @amourtentiaa @softlyqoos @breadqueen95 @thehufflepuffwife @george-fabian-weasley @lupinsclassroom @haileymorelikestupid @sarcasticallywitty15 @band--psycho @gcdric @vogueweasley @harrysweasleys @slytherinsunrise @thisismynerdyself @loony-loopy-lupinn @writingsomewrongs @pineapplesandpinas @valwritesx @amxrtentias @theweasleyslut @oh-for-merlins-sake @alyssamalfoy @bisou-doux

“...welcome to our home!”

George listened as the crowd erupted before his father. He had always admired Arthur “Art” Weasley, for many a reason. The way he could walk in and command a room, the way he could silence an entire audience with a simple flick of his wrist of wave of his hand, the way his voice alone could stop his cries in the night, the way he would come up behind him when taking care of the animals was too much and say, “Georgie, go to sleep, son.” but most of all? The way his father noticed him.

Baltimore, Maryland. 1933.

George Weasley was on the run. Again. Charlie Dooley, a boy from his class, and his gang of (as Fred said) “chickenshit babies” had made it a habit of following George home from school and doing one of the following: a) chasing him on bikes, b) cornering him in the bathroom, or c) sprinting after him on foot.

Today, it had been on foot.

“C’mon monkey boy!” Charlie howled, the other boys closing in on him. George sprinted a quick right realizing he dropped his lunch box and thinking a violent but rapid mom’s gonna be so mad, oh no oh no-

George barreled down the street, his house in sight, tears stealing on his cheeks from the sheer speed and necessity to get home. His feet seemed to be operating without him knowing, his body throwing itself backwards and forwards with the blinding need to be home, to hug his dad and say he wasn’t going to school anymore, to ask his mom to stop packing bananas in his lunchbox even though it was his favorite snack because mom don’t you know they call me monkey boy-

“Thought you could really get away from us this time huh, Georgie boy?” Charlie had pinned him to the concrete, George’s heart screaming in his ears. He could barely register that his lip was bleeding, and that maybe if he focused on the sky, his eleven year old shrimp of a body wouldn’t feel-

Pow.

Isn’t that what superheroes say? Pow? Let’s think about superheroes, Georgie, Charlie doesn’t last long with punches anyway just keep lookin’ at the sky, he thought wildly before-

Pow.

Pow.

He vaguely felt his eyes roll back into his head, but he made a very clear rule to himself that he wouldn’t cry, Fred wouldn’t want him to cry, not that Fred was mean, Fred just hates seeing him cry-

Pow.

P-

And suddenly there was something off his body. He could hear punching noises but they were not aimed at George, but rather someone else. When he was able to open his eyes he saw his brother, Fred, landing blow after blow to Charlie Dooley, Charlie mewling under Fred.

“Touch my brother again, and I promise I won’t just break your nose next time, yeah?”

-

Art Weasley sat with his son George in the red chair in his caravan. It was George’s favorite chair, as he learned the word “red” from that chair and then equated “red” to his own hair.

Arthur had known his son would have it harder. It wasn’t his fault the boy was different, he loved him just the same for it if not slightly more so for the way he was a bit quieter, the way he listened and thought and thought and then wanted to make choices. The way he asked his mom if he could pack Fred’s lunches for school because only George knew Fred hated crunchy peanut butter sandwiches with white bread.

But more so for the way George wasn’t afraid to show love. To cry. To feel things Art sometimes couldn’t articulate.

George was curled into his father, tears staining his button up shirt and his body shuddering with every anxiety laden breath. Art put a hand on his son’s back and put his lips to his hair.

“George, you have to breathe for me or you’re gonna get sick.” He rubbed his son’s back soothingly.

“I’m sorry, dad, I promised I did what you said and tried to protect myself and when I couldn’t do anything else I just didn’t look at h-him I p-promise, dad p-please don’t be mad at me...” he took another shudder and released a cry into his father’s shoulder. Art was not a helpless man, but there was something that destroyed and cracked his very soul at the sight of his most vulnerable child, the most angelic of his seven children. The one that everyone protected. And at times like these, sometimes all a father can do is hold his child. So that’s what he did.

“I know, son...I know...”

-

“George?”

George jumped out of his thoughts, his palms sweaty from the inevitable stage fright that always accompanied him before a show. It was no matter how many times he grazed the trapeze with his sister Gin and his brother Ron, the nerves were always the same.

At least this time, no pows would be administered from anyone besides himself.

He heard his name again, the daze breaking as he looked at his oldest brother Bill.

“George. You’ll be fine. You always are, baby brother.” He said softly, placing his hands back on, Cora (short for Corazon) the lion. George gulped and nodded, and Fred patted his back, giving a hearty wink. George smiled a small smile, clapping Fred’s forearm.

“Ready, Fred?”

Fred grinned.

“Ready, George.”

-

George belonged to the trapeze. The way his body seemed to elongate with grace and dexterity when he grabbed his sister, the way he gave flirty winks at the girls in the crowd, the way he never dropped a muscle unplaced-

The way their father always noticed.

Fred saw these things in his younger brother and couldn’t help the fit of jealousy in his stomach. Don’t get your tightrope in a twist, he was possibly the most proud of his brother, and his hand to God if he didn’t say he hooted his name the loudest watching him do his thing.

But he never felt like he could ever match that.

He knew his hands were meant for something greater, same as his mind. Juggling came almost as easy to the older twin as breathing, smoking cigarettes, witty banter, and sex (in no particular order). But George had something Fred didn’t have.

Approval.

Fred was, for all intents and purposes, a good person. A great person. But his habits could’ve said so much otherwise.

Fred had a nasty habit of letting his temper get the best of him. Ever since he could talk, he had taken on the role of protector to not only George, but to Ginny and Ron as well. Frequently, his hands always seemed to have more things to say than he could which says a massive fucking lot. At the ripe age of 20, he’d gotten into more bar fights and straight up blacked out sober more than his own father, and all of his other siblings. He’d been in and out of detention when he did go to school, and in and out of-

Well, you get it.

The one thing that always seemed to follow him? His charm.

Fred Weasley was a charismatic motherfucker.

And he knew it.

It was simple. All he had to do in between acts was make a couple jokes, a few magic tricks, and by the end of his little charade? He’d have at least 3 girls lined up for that night. And if he was in a particularly bad mood?

Well, it could get a little more than that.

On nights like this, he was fine with just two.

I mean...Fred knew what he was doing.

And on a night like this - he was damn proud of it.

Until he saw you...

Last night.

Fred’s dessert was named Candy. He honestly couldn’t remember what her actual name was, but he did remember she said:

“Call me Candy. I taste like it, too.”

And honestly? That was really all he needed.

It didn’t take him long to press her small body against his caravan. She wound her arms around his neck and fisted into his flame colored hair and yanked, his hips rolling as he moaned into her lipstick stained mouth.

Fred always did have a thing for gals in red.

Fred realized his pants had begun to be a tad too tight, as Candy’s tongue licked into his mouth. his hands found their way under her dress, fingers kneading at her thighs and she squeaked. He lifted her legs at her noise and he wrapped them around his body, his bulge pressing into where she needed him the most.

“Fred, please” she whined, his mouth attaching to the valley of her breasts, the exposed skin of her dress warm and inviting.

“Please what, doll?” He teased roughly, his free hand sliding to cup her ass and squeezing. She gasped at his rough touch and he bit her collarbone.

“Fred, please, fuck me” she said airily. He smirked before pressing a quick kiss to her mouth.

“Absolutely, baby, see how easy that was?” He licked her bottom lip and bit, before pressing his forehead to hers, the sheer strength of his body pressing her against the van enough to use his hands to pull her panties down enough for her to kick them away. She reached down to unzip his pants when he motioned for her to do so, his hard cock free of his boxers.

“You ready, pretty girl?” He growled against her earlobe. Candy whispered a breathy “please” and Fred slid into her cunt, her wetness echoing sinful noises at the contact. They groaned at connection, and Fred continued to go deeper into her until he bottomed out. He looked at her for confirmation to keep going and she nodded. He pulled out and slammed back into her, beginning to set a rough pace against the van.

“Freddie, fuckfuckfuck you feel s-so good” she sputtered, Candy’s back hitting and arching against the van, causing it to move slightly against her. Fred nipped and sucked at her neck, determined to always leave a map of where he left his treasure behind...

“Look at you, unraveling like a ball of twine. Never had cock this good, doll?” He reached a particularly good angle in her causing her to claw deeper at his back, biting in a scream.

“Thereeee it is, baby. You like that don’t you, c’mon be a good little cock slut and tell me what you want, want everyone in this whole fucking camp to know I’m fucking you so good.” His hand went to her clit, circling it harshly. He wanted her to finish, his dick was twitching all to hard in her and he needed her to release before it was his turn. Her moans and gasps and mini clawings were getting sloppier, losing their tempo.

“Fred-Fred-“

“Yeah, baby, I’ve got you” he groaned against her mouth at her clenching pussy. She gave a final sputter and screamed into his shoulder, a hot electric wave coursing over his cock, with one, two, three harder pumps, he released into her as well. He leaned his forehead against hers and kissed it lightly. But when he looked back at her face, she was already losing interest. Just like the others. But it didn’t bother him...at least not anymore, right?

Just another night.

-

Memories of Candy and Janie and Jessica and Portia and all the other girls seemed to wash away at the sight of you waiting after the show. Your eyes were full of life but somehow had something tired behind them. The way your hair wasn’t perfectly coiffed but still looked like you had tried to, the way your dress was crinkled at the bottom like you didn’t give a shit if it was crumpled in the bottom of your dresser.

And then you looked at him.

Fred Weasley could have sworn time stopped at the way you walked across the hay to him, your body positioned in a way that would’ve given him every reason to hold you. he realized his face began to flush at the sight of you getting closer.

That, he thought, was an alien feeling.

“Hi.” You said warmly to him.

“You’re Fred, right? I loved your act.”

He blinked twice and then returned your smile.

“Yeah. Thank you so much, I...I really try, I am so sorry but what is your name?” His eyes scanned your face. You stuck your tongue in your cheek and returned the search on his face.

“Y/N. Y/L/N. I’m looking for a job.”

[bigfan-fanfic]

Batdad and Sons (Batdad!Reader x Batfamily Headcanons)

Bruce

Despite both being men, you two remind Gotham of Thomas and Martha Wayne.

Because one of you is a gentle ray of sunshine who is deeply involved in charity work and seems utterly committed to making the world brighter.

Thomas was rather hands-off towards Wayne Enterprises, preferring instead to focus on his medical career and charities that actually affected change for the underprivileged in Gotham. Bruce remembers Thomas always having time for him, stopping everything if Bruce needed to talk with his father.

And the other is a strong, ruthless businessperson with style, grace, and sensuality, who can somehow manage a dizzying array of businesses while still being the ideal spouse and parent in the public eye.

Martha was the head of Wayne Enterprises and an involved boss - she personally saw to the upkeep of each branch of the company (she was the one to hire Lucius Fox). And even with all of these heavy demands on her time, she always appeared in public with Thomas at all of his charities and was involved enough with Bruce to help Thomas plan every family outing.

So, yeah, up to you which one the public thinks you are

Bruce has a constantly-updating social media presence that is run by the Batcomputer’s AI - it keeps tabs on where he is fighting crime and discreetly has Bruce’s account post things about being on the other side of the city

Bruce will occasionally post a romantic photo of you two

You run your own social media account - the Batcomputer automatically reblogs/retweets/likes whatever you post.

You have a lot of cute pictures of the family which the public goes bananas for.

Bruce is a Slytherin. He no longer visits the Pottermore site.

You find yourself making puns a lot while the family is on patrol.

Example: Mr. Freeze has just been defeated by the team.

YOU: Alright, time to put him on ice!

Bruce tends to groan at these because you have a tendency to interject them at inappropriate times. Once you got him to giggle in front of Selina because whenever she talked you just matched her tone but only said “meow”

“Meow meow meow, meow-meow meow meow-meow-meow meow. Meow.”

You do end up kidnapped a lot, as an important Gothamite public figure, and Bruce is generally quite impressed when you escape, because you can either talk an adversary to distraction, or use trickery to escape, or -most impressive - you once convinced a member of the Penguin’s gang to reconsider his life choices and let you go.

Once he got out of jail, Armand became your go-to party planner.

He also now helps Penguin with legitimate events at the Iceberg Lounge. Go figure.

Alfred

The two of you are avid devotees of “The Great British Baking Show”

Alfred never has a soggy bottom.

Dick spends the most time hanging out while you two make stuff, so he’s into it as well

Jason pretends not to be interested, but he’ll still tell you when bread is overworked.

Alfred is so full of wisdom and advice

And he is not afraid to get physical when needs must

Riddler once broke into Wayne Manor

The two of you basically dismantled him using Alfred’s combat medicine training and your own knowledge from working with him

Riddler had several broken bones, severe lacerations, and a mild concussion when he was wheeled to Arkham Asylum’s medical ward

“Y/N Wayne and Butler - BATMAN AND ROBIN????” said the tabloids the next day. Dick couldn’t stop laughing.

Alfred enjoys opera while cooking and baking, but isn’t averse to classic rock.

He also enjoys Beyonce.

You insist on Alfred having a regular day off, but he insists that he doesn’t need one.

“Please, Alfred. For me.”

*sighs* “...Very well, Master Y/N.”

Ravenclaw. He’s a Ravenclaw, definitely.

Dick

You two know all the choreography to “We’re All In This Together.”

And all the songs from the High School Musical series

Since he was little, you took him to every premiere of every Disney movie he wanted to see, press be damned if they made snide remarks about your son wanting to see a princess movie

This tradition has not stopped. Dick’s social media shows pictures of you two still going to every premiere - only now the two of you bring underprivileged children and kids from the orphanage to share in your fun

There’s a picture of you looking very Zen and sitting cross-legged on the red carpet as a bunch of kids swarm around you and one somehow has ended up on your shoulders. Behind you Dick can be seen wearing Mickey Mouse gloves and grinning wildly at the camera, kneeling with his arms around the shoulders of two young orphans

You personally don’t like clowns and trapeze scares you to death, but you never deny Dick when he asks you to go to the circus.

You once bought Haly’s Circus back from the people Mr. Haly had to sell to and gave ownership to Dick. So, technically, the two of you co-own Haly’s Circus now.

Dick once auditioned for Disney Channel (unbeknownst to Bruce). He still can’t quite bring himself to watch Wizards of Waverly Place, knowing that he almost had a role.

Speaking of Wizards, Dick thinks of himself as a Gryffindor - but he was sorted into Ravenclaw.

Jason

Jason gets really emotional over romance - whether it be real or in a movie or a book

He will never forgive Mr. Wickham for what he did

You have had to talk him down from chewing out people who think Catherine and Heathcliff are an ideal couple

And of course, he has shot his television at that one scene in every romantic comedy where things go wrong just before the two leads get together.

A Gryffindor.

Has a sleeveless shirt that asks if you’ve bought tickets to the gun show. Since he has an extensive gun collection, the irony is somewhat lost.

Doesn’t like to be questioned. Likes to question. You bridge the gap using sarcasm, mainly.

He is a superhero movie fanatic. However, he hates it when the love interest dies.

He does smoke, but he knows better than to do that around you. Roy always snitches on him

Roy is very intimidated by you, for some reason

More intimidated than by Jason, that’s for sure.

Maybe because you’ve made Ollie cry before (long story involving too many bottles of tequila, Oliver asking if he was your type, and you responding)

He tends to listen to you when he won’t listen to anyone else

You’ve proven that you don’t put up with much when it comes to him

“I’m gonna shoot this guy right now-”

“Jason you sit your butt down right now!”

“...yessir.”

Tim

Slytherin.

Sleepy. Too sleepy to do much.

Can be found sleeping in the weirdest places. Once he was asleep on top of the wardrobe in Dick’s room, and had no clue how he got there.

You have since insisted that he maintain a strict sleeping schedule.

Unfortunately, you are ignored.

You once gave him glasses that had pictures of his opened eyes instead of lenses as a gag gift. He uses them daily.

Tim likes to watch Jackie Chan martial arts movies. Or the Office. Or Friends. Depends on how many hours he’s been awake.

Tim is always listening to music - anything with a beat.

It helps him stay awake. The longer he stays awake, the louder his music gets. 

Tim does not like ice cream - on family outings, he gets sherbert.

He’s very picky. You spent five days picking out the color of the sheets in his room because the current combination “bummed him out.”

He forgets that you aren’t supposed to draw on walls and uses his room’s walls as a piece of scratch paper.

You make him clean it himself.

This was unwise. He leaves it as is until there’s no more room.

Has an addiction to online gaming. He doesn’t know it, but you are his biggest rival online.

Because he always tells you “just one more round” or “until I lose”

So two hours later, when he still hasn’t logged off, you log on and grief him until he rage quits.

Then you console him as he complains to you, and you suggest he take a break from the game for a while.

You wonder sometimes if this can be classified as emotional torture.

It’s for his own good, honestly.

Damian

Hufflepuff and proud of it

As I mentioned, he is a startlingly good performer.

Has secret aspirations of being on Broadway - either in the Hamilton revival he’s planning for twenty years in the future or perhaps in something by Sondheim

His artistry continues into other realms

He writes fanfiction. This is not a drill.

To your eternal embarrassment and silence, you have become an avid reader of his work. (You created a fake account just to reblog and comment your support. Damian is unaware of this)

If you decide to send him to school (Gotham Academy or wherever), he gets into a lot of fights.

Mostly in defense of others, but also the occasional “he looked at me funny” or “said something about my parents”

I’d recommend home-schooling or online school for Damian. It fits better with his schedule so that his sleep cycle isn’t completely thrown off, and it keeps him away from the little creeps running wild in Gotham (there’s a statistic floating around that 80% of the Joker Gang is under 18, and it isn’t completely inaccurate).

He is a history buff, particularly when it comes to battles and battle tactics.

He knows battle strategy back to front

And yet he struggles with Checkers, and for some reason, Monopoly.

Damian was not given a middle name, so whenever you want to middle-name him, you make up some absurd placeholder.

“Damian Fingercrumpet Wayne, get down from the chandelier!”

“So help me, Damian Stipplenibbler Wayne, I will take away your zoo membership!

“Damian Montague Sasparilla Carthaginian Wayne, I want to talk to you right now!

[zuko-thee-stallion]

the greatest showman au

i don’t even know why i’m writing this but here we go

percy jackson is a poor boy that works with his mother, sally, occasionally as a tailor.

his father isn’t there financially support them which made him (percy) resent him. he strives to be a good father one day.

one day his mother asks him to help her with a particularly big job at the chase mansion his mother has him carry the fabric and measure athena and fredrick.

she tells him to take a break when he spots annabeth during her etiquette lesson.

he tries to make her laugh and it works well.

too well.

she spits out the tea she was drinking and athena gets upset.

like really upset.

she starts reprimanding annabeth and percy confesses to making her laugh.

athena kicks him out.

he sits by the ocean on the beach behind the house.

after a while, annabeth joins and they start talking.

cue ‘a million dreams’

they venture to an abandoned mansion and he talks about how he and annabeth would live there together when they’re older as a joke.

annabeth takes it seriously and those are the plans for their future.

they hang out more and more. her mother finds out and sends her to an all girls finishing school.

percy is devastated and promises to write to annabeth every chance he gets.

a year later his mother gets sick.

percy doesn’t write as consistently.

annabeth is worried.

a couple of months later sally dies and percy is depressed.

his letters go from once a week to once a month.

since they never had much money to begin with, percy ends up homeless at thirteen.

percy stops writing altogether because he can’t afford it.

he lives on the streets, often stealing money and food.

once he gets caught stealing some bread and a ‘freak’ gives him an apple.

the act sparks his fascination for the extraordinary.

he finally enrolls in school when a kind man, chiron, takes him in at age fifteen.

he starts writing to annabeth again.

three years later she tells him she’s coming back.

when she arrives he rushes over in his finest clothes and gives her the biggest hug imaginable.

they’ve been dating for two years when he proposes.

her parents disapprove and threaten to cut her off.

sis doesn’t care and marries that boy anyway.

annabeth is pregnant with their first child three months later.

they name her beryl which means ‘sea green jewel’ because percy adores the sea.

she inherits annabeth’s blonde hair and percy’s sea-green eyes.

two years later they give birth to another daughter.

they name her dara which means ‘nugget of wisdom’.

percy absolutely loves it because it combines two of his favorite things: chicken nuggets and annabeth.

beryl always teases dara for it.

she inherits percy’s jet-black hair and annabeth’s grey eyes

percy works hard and saves up money so he could open up his own business and give his family what they deserve.

beryl is eight and dara is six when he finally makes enough money and buys an abandoned building near their apartment.

it starts off as a museum but quickly changes when the public becomes bored.

he thinks about the ‘freak’ that helped him out and thinks people will find interest in people like her.

he and his daughters put up fliers for the extraordinary.

he auditions many of them including animal boy; frank, the witch; hazel, and trapeze duo; piper and leo.

cue ‘come alive’.

his newfound fame earns him enough money to buy the abandoned mansion he and annabeth found when they were younger.

he buys beryl ballet slippers and pays for lessons.

he buys dara a doll house.

at beryl’s recital, he meets jason grace, the man who funds the theater beryl performs at.

he thinks a partnership with jason will be a good investment.

jason disagrees at first because he doesn’t want to disappoint his stepmother, hera and his father, zeus grace.

percy asks him to get drinks.

cue ‘the other side’.

in which jason decides to take a risk for the first time in his life and agrees to a partnership.

jason is absolutely enjoying himself with the involvement of percy jackson’s circus.

he loves everyone’s colorful personalities and hangs out with everyone as much as he can.

he spends a little more time with a particular trapeze artist. *cough* piper *cough*

percy’s kids hang around a lot and jason absolutely adores them.

especially beryl because that was his birth mother’s name and she acts so much like her.

one day he gets a letter from the queen of freaking england requesting the presence of himself and percy.

he tells the gang and piper inquires if they all get to go.

he sees the hurt in her eyes and decides that all of them have to go or none of them do.

he claims that she’s very persuasive but even she would tell you it was because he was attracted to her. 

on the way to england, jason and piper get to know each other more and there’s a mutual crush.

percy and jason have an audience with the queen and soon after the party begins. 

percy and jason are introduced to singer, calypso.

percy is intent on making her famous worldwide and starts booking events for her.

he’s never heard her sing and is relying on other’s opinions. 

the first show percy invites jason, the circus, his wife, and his kids.

annabeth can’t help but feel a little bit jealous that her husband has so much faith in someone he has never heard sing.

cue ‘never enough’.

during the song, jason can’t fight the urge to hold piper’s hand.

he quickly lets go when his parents give him a disapproving look. 

hurt and confused, piper walks away.

percy doesn’t allow the ‘freaks’ to join the after party.

cue ‘this is me’.

percy leaves the circus in the hands of jason for a few months.

piper is still mad at jason and he is angry at himself for hurting her.

he tries to talk to her but she is not having it.

he spots her practicing trapeze.

cue ‘rewrite the stars’.

he tells her how much he wants to be with her.

they start dating but keep the relationship a secret.

the first time they make their relationship public is when he takes her to see a show that his parents were seeing too.

it was completely unplanned.

they made a big fuss about it and it really upsets piper.

she leaves.

jason was not having it.

percy and calypso are still traveling the world and she confesses her feelings for him.

during their last show, she kisses him in front of the whole theater despite knowing he has a wife.

she didn’t do it to be a homewrecker, she did it because she was so overwhelmed with emotion.

their kiss ends up making the front page of every newspaper you could get your hands on.

percy did not know this at all.

he comes back home to find annabeth, beryl, and dara packing their bags.

she shows him the newspaper and tells him she needs space.

she moves back in with her parents.

cue ‘tightrope’.

upset, percy goes to the only place that gives him clarity, the circus.

when he gets there he sees it’s on fire. 

everyone’s rushing out and jason makes sure everyone is there but notices piper is missing.

he runs back into the burning building looking for her.

she comes out around the side of the building while jason’s still looking for her. 

the building starts to collapse while jason’s still looking for her.

piper begs percy to save him. 

percy trudges out with an unconscious jason.

he is hospitalized and piper stays with him until he wakes up a couple days later.

she gives him a bone-crushing hug and kisses him so passionately that he’s afraid he’ll melt.

percy is devastated that he’s lost everything.

his wife, his circus, his kids.

he spends months trying to restore his building but it’s no use.

he finds a few circus members at his bar and they tell him not to give up.

cue ‘from now on’.

he goes to annabeth’s parents’ mansion and they work on getting their marriage back on track.

he gets the circus back together and uses portable tents instead of a building.

[thetradeway]

Session 28: 16 Jan 2021 ‘I don’t like it, Berk, not one bit’

We all join Discord in dribs and drabs, and there is some discussion of what went on last week. Wait - our elf!!

We make perception checks, Popcorn at advantage. Tarragon wakes first. We are back in our camp - but surrounded by runes and bright lights. A disembodied voice tells her that we were protected overnight, and that the half-elf gang have left no trace of where they went - and that “the elven nations will rise again”. The magic of the rune circle seems familiar, but Tarragon doesn’t know the spell.

Around the edge of the circle of runes there are scratch marks, as if woodland creatures have tried to get in but were unable to cross the threshold of runes. Gideon recognises it as protective magic. Gunna strolls across the edge of the circle - it shimmers and disappears. Gideon: “You broke it! Look what you’ve gone and done! 12D20 Necrotic damage.”

As Gunna steps across the runes, he goes over to the tree roots. Too late he sees an enormous toad that has been lurking - it jumps out at him. Ambush!! Gideon: “Gunna, have you got any dog treats??’’ If massive toads eat trail mix and beef jerky then sure. “What about a coconut?”

The toad bites Gunna’s top half, which is now inside it.

Initiative! What’s Ahleqs Dex, the DM wants to know? ‘It’s a secret.’

Popcorn is up - he rushes up and bites the thing. Gunna struggles to free himself and rolls a Nat 1. Shit.

(There is some discussion of what happened while we were out - the elves put us back in our camp and tucked us in, and it is decided that they also put clean underwear on us. A little intrusive but Gunna is pleased, because he did shit himself before last night’s battle.)

Ahleqs does some magic at it for 12 points of damage.

The toad swallows Gunna! He takes 10 points of acid damage. Right, that’s it. (Gideon has THE BEST idea. He knows how to get Gunna out of there.) The toad decides it’s off with its new meal. Tarragon, rolling up her sleeves: “Absolutely not.” 

Kessler is up. Lightning launcher. Can she use her second attack to grapple? Consensus says no. Fine, she will stab it in the neck. (Ahleqs muses that the locals probably have a special tool for extracting their friends from a giant toad. A toad-corer, or something.)

Gideon’s idea: he grabs sand and incense from his backpack and mushes it together, wrenches the toad’s mouth open and shoves it in to try and get it to puke Gunna up. He has to make a STR check - rolls an 8. He can do it at advantage! Yay! He rolls a 10. He gets some of it in. The toad rolls - below 10 he will puke. above 10 he will not. It quivers, belches, and pukes Gunna. Yay! He is covered in slime and acid; so much for the clean underwear.

Tarragon Thorn Whips her toad back and forth, for 11 damage. It’s looking rough. Popcorn gets the killing blow. (Tarragon can now be a giant toad if she wants.)

Kessler checks for any trace of Melaina, with Guidance, for a total of 22. She finds no tracks, and suspects that magic might be involved in hiding their traces. She does find a stray arrow, and believes it to be Melaina’s. Ahleqs jokingly suggests letting Popcorn sniff it; Tarragon decides this is a great idea. She lets him sniff the arrow but he can’t find any trace of Melaina apart from next to the tree.

Gunna looks at his maps; it turns out that he kept drawing as the mushrooms were kicking in so they’re not super helpful. He then realises that we have missed the floating circus that was coming to town in Waterdeep; it was advertised in the paper. Dammit.

Ahleqs climbs a tree to look for any trace of the half-elf gang; he makes athletics checks to ascend. Gunna suggests using the toad as a trampoline. Then we decide to move it under the tree for when - not if - Ahleqs falls.

He actually doesn’t fall, but manages to see some smoke rising in the distance to the north east, though he can’t quite tell how far. He shouts down; Tarragon hears him, and notes how impressed she is with his bravery. He gets almost all the way back down before rolling an 8; but he doesn’t fall.

We pack up and head north east.

(Melaina’s captors are treating her well; they keep casting Pass Without Trace. She keeps trying to leave tracks for us to follow, but they melt into the surrounding scenery. She hears talk of a princess, and there is more talk of meeting other elves to hand her over, to ‘be with her own kind’. They don’t seem to mean her harm. She can’t tell with a nat 1 if she is the princess of which they are speaking. She is magically restrained, but walking. They have her surrounded. She tries to get them to explain what’s going on, rolls an 11. They say they are taking her to an old elf ruin in the forest that was part of an ancient sun elf empire. There are elves living in the ruins, trying to rebuild it. They pay relics for the gang of half-elves to gather up more elves and bring them there.)

The trees where we are are enormous. We make Perception checks; Gunna can’t see any signs of the smoke Ahleqs saw, but he does find more mushrooms. He picks them and puts them in his backpack for later. Tarragon sees some druidic runes on the rocks. Most are fairly innocuous trail markers pointing to water, but it’s an odd dialect. She thinks it’s Firbolg. They are known to hide their dwellings with illusion spells. They are friendly as long as respect is shown for the forest. The runes are markers for berries and water, that sort of thing. No warnings. This part of the forest is under their protection.

Tarragon leaves another druidic message to tell them that we are here, we’ve lost our friend and if they can offer any help we are travelling north-east. Gideon, having been told that Firbolg are sort of humanoid cow people, practices mooing in order to converse with any Firbolg we run into. ‘Moo! We come in peace! Moo! Moo!’

We search for breakfast; there is plenty around. Tarragon helps Ahleqs with which berries are safe and which are poisonous. Suddenly Popcorn starts to get excited; has someone fallen down a well?

He darts off into the woods - we follow. (Ahleqs rolls a nat20 for a 19 total athletics. Strength is a dump stat, for him.) We keep pace, until we reach a clearing. Popcorn stops in front of a tree. The bark starts to shift into a face. Ahleqs does a little scream.

It speaks in elvish: “in the forest i got it so I sat down to seek it, since I couldn’t find it I took it home with me.” 

Ah, a riddle. Our strong suit. (Matthew riffs off of Rude Tales and Riddle Guy 97 for a bit). We throw out a bunch of guesses, none of which the face responds to. Gunna suggests giving the face some Sex Thumb. Gideon thinks it might have some pepper spray in its barky pocket.

Is it, ‘yourself’? The face doesn’t respond. Melaina’s lost forever, and we’re never leaving this tree. (DM offers us another riddle if we don’t want to spend an hour thinking about this one.) We roll WIS checks and get a clue - which is, ‘ouch’. A splinter!

The air shimmers. We find ourselves in a clearing, with a treehouse. Does Ahleqs think this is about where the fire was that he saw a while ago? Intelligence check: 18. Yes, it would have been around here. A warm hearth and maybe a cup of tea might be in the offing. There is a big door in the tree - Gunna knocks. Ahleqs hides behind the nearest person, ‘even if they’re a gnome or goblin’.

Gideon yells: ‘hello!!’ The door opens and a female firbolg appears. She’s very pretty. Gideon decides he’s our ambassador; Gunna tries to cover his mouth.

The firbolg greets us and asks what we’re doing here. We lost our elf, Gunna explains what happened. A bunch of other elves stole her. The firbolg looks perplexed - we were attacked by elves? We explain that they wanted our elf, but she didn’t want to go so they forced us by fighting and took her. Does she know where a gang of half-elves might hang out so we can go and do diplomacy at them to get our friend back?

This seems to surprise the firbolg. This forest is home to half-elf renegades, but they’re usually decent people. Gideon lies and says he saw one scratching his name into a tree, but rolls a nat 1 on deception. The firbolg is not impressed. (It’s a bit like Gimli when he talks to Galadriel and gets all flustered and asks for a lock of her hair.)

The firbolg addresses Tarragon. Do we have anything that belonged to our friend? Yes, we have her arrow. If Tarragon will help her ask the spirits, they might help us find Melaina.

There is a standing stone in the glade; she leads Tarragon to it and asks her to sit. The others follow. (Ahleqs has heard stories about druids dancing naked in the forest so he trails behind, face bright red.)

Has Tarragon dealt with forest spirits before? DM says Not directly. They can be tricksy, so be prepared.

The Firbolg starts humming and rocking back and forth. The wind starts to pick up, and little dust devils spring up. Tarragon makes a concentration check at advantage and gets TWO NAT 20s!!!!! The awesomeness is too much for Discord, which boots all of us off at once.

Little stones and pebbles start to levitate. The wind whips up into a crescendo until it drops suddenly. The arrow is transformed into a green pulsing orb. The firbolg tells us to follow it and it will lead us to Melaina.

Can we do anything to thank her? We have treated her forest with respect, so she says that’s enough. Gunna offers her one of those necromantic red seeds; she accepts and says she will plant it, excited to see what comes up. After some discussion we decide that it wasn’t the one that needs a corpse to grow. It was the one that was used to make the healing bread, and Tarragon sold the recipe so we can’t make any anyway.

Do we need healing potions? Some of us take a few. What can we give her to pay for them, considering that she has no use for money? We all sort through our belongings and come up with some bagpipes, an abacus…

Gideon debates keeping the bagpipes. Can he play them? He can try. They remain, however, the devil’s instrument. He makes a performance check and rolls a 16, but he’s playing a Rod Stewart song so everyone hates it.

Ahleqs offers to do a trick in exchange for potions; if the firbolg is impressed enough she will accept. He lights Simon. He rolls a 10 on his performance, but luckily she thinks it’s cute so she accepts. Gunna swaps his obsidian monkey for a potion. Kessler exchanges some silver earrings; the firbolg twists them around and puts them in her hair.

Gunna asks her name; she says people call her Dana (DAH-na). She wishes us luck, and says she’s certain our friend is fine if she’s with the half-elves.

Tarragon gives Dana her lucky pocket stone.

We leave and as we look back, the firbolg dwelling disappears into the surrounding forest.

(The half-elves lead Melaina through the forest - she sees tall white marble pillars coming up. She thinks this must be the ruins. She makes an escape attempt but it fails. She is told to hear the elves out and they are sure they will let her go if she doesn’t want to stay. They then put her in a cage on top of a tower, thus immediately contradicting themselves. Melaina notices a pale-haired elf gliding up the steps; she eavesdrops on the conversation that happens between this new elf and the half-elf gang that brought her here. The new elf is saying thank you for retrieving her ‘guest.’ She gives them an item that she says is from a long-fallen elven civilisation, presumably in payment. The half-elves leave. ‘Most people give out pamphlets,’ Melaina tells the pale-haired elf as she approaches Melaina’s cage.)

Back with Team Sweet Flips, we make athletic/acrobatic checks to keep up with the orb leading us to Melaina. It leads us to the DLC area, aka. the marble tower. (We didn’t know we had the Game of the Year edition.) Go stealth? There’s a discussion. Gunna decides we’re done and goes up to a door and knocks on it. Kessler hides.

Gideon demonstrates his Deep Speech; it gives Ahleqs a stomach ache. We move through the ruins, which seem uninhabited. We reach a tower with stairs leading up it. Gunna shouts, ‘Oi, flat top!’

Melaina feels judged under the gaze of the pale elf, who says with disgust that Melaina isn’t a sun elf but perhaps she will do. ‘The devils aren’t picky’. Um - the whomst???

Melaina gets the distinct impression that she won’t be allowed to leave after all.

We start climbing the stairs and hear whispered voices in elvish - Tarragon translates while Ahleqs casts Light. (Tarragon gets a dirty 20, with Guidance, on Perception to hear the voices.)

The elves are talking about demons and devils. It seems that Melaina is going to be offered to them - not as a sacrifice but to be impregnated????? We decide to impose some diplomacy, with axes, immediately. Roll initiative.

Gunna goes first, rushes into the room and hates everything he sees except Melaina. He decides to go out of character and use some actual diplomacy, and says ‘have a nice trip’ - while attacking with a longsword and forcing a STR save. The elf fails and is knocked prone. He action surges and attacks twice more, at advantage because of the prone-ness. He forces a WIS save, which the elf fails, and should be Frightened of him - but she isn’t. A tough cookie, this one.

13 MISSES, 24 HITS

Ahleqs is up next. He holds an Eldritch Bl - no, he Dashes instead to get into the room. Popcorn Dashes as well, to flank the fallen elf with Gunna. Kessler wants to remain hidden. She wanted to fire her lightning launcher but the elf is prone so she would have Disadvantage; she is advised OOC to roll high numbers. She does a level 2 Magic Missile instead. The elf reaction-shields. Well, shit.

All the talk of demons has raised Gideon’s religious ire, so he charges to the top of the stairs yelling that we would see the demons dead!!! The elf is still prone. One sec… Does she have weapons? No. She did cast Shield, so probably a magic user. She has a pretty, booby dress on, we are told. He casts Chill Touch.

16 MISSES

Gideon: “Bugger! Let’s kick her face in!”

Tarragon becomes a furious bear.

Melaina doesn’t have any of her stuff, so she Mage Hands her thieves tools to herself.

The elf uses half her movement to stand up. She looks at us with disgust and says, ‘how dare you touch me?’ Gunna spits in her mouth. Horns sprout from her head and leathery wings come out from her back. OH FUCCCCKKKKKK NOT AN ELF NOT AN ELF NOT AN ELF ABORT ABORT ABORT

She flies into the air - ‘on fell wings’ - about 20 feet up. Then she mutters something in abyssal, (‘This might not even be her final form!!’ Gideon, don’t say things like that….) (Ed gets a knot in his hair and tries to comb it out, succeeding only in pulling it.)

Oh shit there’s boss music!! We are so fucked.

The abyssal did something we think, because she seems to be summoning horrible little creatures. (Gunna: ‘Why couldn’t it have been ducks? A level 1 and a level 9 duck are pretty much the same…’) There’s a minute or so while Joe puts everything in the order.

She casts Fireball - turns out the Summons were not Summoned, they just appeared from hiding. She hits Gunna, Gideon and bear-Tarragon, and we all fail our saves. Gideon will walk it off, it’s only 27 points of fire damage.

Something casts Fetid Cloud (shouts of ‘Gideon!’. It wasn’t him, he swears. He offers to respond with his own? We decline.) It’s a dretch, and it proceeds to attack Popcorn. Gunna casts Banishment. And Dispel Magic. And Counterspell. “It’s a special Northman skill.” The DM does not buy it.

The dretch bites at Popcorn but misses. Then it slashes at his belly, and hits. Shit.

Gunna attacks the dretch that attacked Popcorn, and hits, then hits again - and kills it! Yay!

16 HITS THE DRETCH

Gideon is playing with his voice changer again.

Ahleqs, save the day! Or turn into a plant pot. Either’s good. He did see Tarragon turn into a bear, so he knows that’s her. ‘What are these little fellas, what we got here?’ He does an Arcana check for a 12, and knows that they are quasits - sometimes kept as familiars. He does Fireball at the big demon bitch, since she’s 20 feet up and he won’t get us with the blast radius. She fails her save - aw yisssss. She is engulfed in the fireball. We expect to see her charred body once the flame clears, but she emerges barely singed. Resistant to fire, then. Coolcoolcoolcoolcool, nodoubtnodoubtnodoubtnodoubtnodoubt.

(Oh shit, Ahleqs is still blue!)

He balls up his courage, thinks of Mr Pickles and stands his ground. Today is a day for heroics.

The quasit tries to Scare Gunna - he makes a WIS save and passes. The quasit claws at bear-Tarragon’s nose and almost gnomes her. A Babau does a Weakening Gaze on Gunna but he passes his CON save.

Something else casts Darkness on Gunna, so he is blind. Fuck!

Kessler uses her Lightning Launcher but misses both times. She retreats back round a corner out of line of sight. Smart. (She is told that the flying demon can probably still see her, so she back up a bit more.)

Gideon decides to try a Summons of his own. He casts Summon Undead! Wait, he’s too poor and can’t afford the 300gp. Scratch that. No - DM rules that he can use his spellcasting focus. Woohoo! He summons a skeletal undead. Pop! ‘Ha - behold!’ (He drag-and-drops onto the map and it has its own little icon - cool!) He issues a verbal command to the skeleton (named Rusty) - ‘Skewer that demon!’ (He thinks briefly that Rusty has a Putrid Aura, but is mistaken - ‘no, that’s you’, Melaina tells him.) Rusty does a Grave Bolt, but rolls a 6. ‘You fool Rusty! Try it with precision!’

Bear-Tarragon tears the head off a quasit with her teeth and spits it across the room.

Melaina picks the lock on her cage with a 26 and escapes. She goes to collect her weapons and other stuff, then crouches down amongst her gubbins and rocks and stuff and has a bit of a hide.

The remaining quasit frightens Tarragon, who rolls a nat 1 on her save. It attacks her as well, but misses.

Another dretch casts Fetid Cloud on Gunna - its only the third most disgusting thing he’s ever smelled.

Something swipes at Rusty, but misses, and Rusty gives us a sample of his Southern accent, then chatters in a boney, skeleton-y way.

Another dretch slashes at Popcorn, doing 23 damage. Ahleqs makes a WIS save… bear with him… he uses ToC to give himself advantage. He rolls a 14, which is still a fail. He is suddenly infatuated with the demon. Aroused and ashamed, he can’t look away. He cannot attack her or cause her harm now. This is way worse than the time he fell in love with the daughter of the guy next door.

ToC - for the next minute he must shout when he speaks. He’s screaming anyway, so that’s fine. The demon does Tasha’s Mind Whip on… who? Bear Tarragon, fuck. She fails her save.

This attack re-gnomes her, and in addition she can’t take a reaction, and next turn can move, or take an action, or take a bonus action. Nasty.

Gunna attacks something with his longsword, at disadvantage because he’s still in the dark and therefore blind. He feels a splash of blood on his skin. He takes another swing. After that, it occurs to him that he could be hitting one of us. (Joe would ask how-de-do-dis, but Gunna has no idea because he can’t see.) He rolls to see which direction he wanders in. He should be careful or the headline will be: Blind adventurer stumbles off tower. Good luck guys, Gunna will see us on the other side.

Ahleqs wants to know if he can cast a spell on something behind the demon and if she’s in the way then she’s in the way. Probably not. He casts Witch Bolt on something else instead, for a 22, and does 22 lightning damage. How de do dis!

he screams “I’M SORRY!!!” as it explodes into chunks. Some of them hit Popcorn, and some of them hit something unseen. Sneaky. Ahleqs repeats his save vs the Charm spell, with adv. from ToC, but still fails. All his hair falls out. Now he’s a little bald, blue man.

It’s the secret friend’s turn. It does something to Gunna, but he’s gone for a poo (probably) so we wait for him to come back. He sees red eyes moving in the magical darkness, and a wizened skull face. What kind of armour is he wearing? (Never a good question.) Studded leather. The studs on his armour start to heat up. Ah, fuck. He makes a CON save and fails, taking 4 fire damage - for a start. Until the spell ends he can be caused another 4 damage on each of the creature’s turns, and gets disadvantage on all checks and saves. Oh, fuck!

Kessler pops back into the room. She takes aim at the flappy demon in the air with her Lightning Launcher, and misses. Twice. She needs to recalibrate the laser space torpedos. Ahleqs, who is in something far darker and more disgusting than love with the demon, is horrified. All these feelings…

Kessler hides, insisting that her power armour is in Infiltrator mode (cue jokes about Bumblebee hiding behind a rock on the beach) and then to add to this hilarity, she rolls a nat 1.

Grease wizard is up. He makes a CON save for a 21, vs the Fetid Cloud. He shrugs it off. “I’ve smelled worse in the slave pits of - well, we won’t go there. Right, you, foul demon lady!” He finds himself closer to her than he thought, and backs up. “The plan, naturally, is of course, to… er… I had planned to run up and shocking grasp her, but I forgot she was flying. Well… Er… Most of my spells are burning related and therefore pretty useless. How high can I jump? Perhaps I can Thunderwave her. Where there’s a grease wizard, there’s a way.” There’s some fumbling, then he works out he can jump 3 feet. Not quite gonna cut it. Can he get a boost, from Trusty Rusty? Yes! The plan is to parkour off of Rusty, five feet up, then Thunderwave the demon bitch. He has to make STR check for Rusty first. 10 will do it! Under her, mid-air, he Thunderwaves her.

It’s a CON save for demon bitch, who makes the save. “Damn and blast.” Gideon lands in a disappointed heap on the floor. She takes half damage and isn’t pushed; he was hoping to knock her into the ceiling. DM thought that was epic. She takes the damage - she’s not resistant to Thunder. It doesn’t break concentration on the Charm spell though, as that’s a racial ability. Rusty does a Grave Bolt for 11 Necrotic damage, which pisses Gideon off a bit. “Outclassed by my own summon.” 

Tarragon Thorn Whips the quasit but misses. Grr.

Gunna asks how tall the tower is? About 100 feet. If he does fall off, that will probably kill him. Also he’s a bit on fire. He’s scrambling to take his armour off; it would be a noble death. Or not.

Melaina hides with a nat 20 for 30 total. She is hidden from big demon bitch, after some scuffling and shouting over Joe. (‘Stop interrupting the DM, you lot!’) She Sharpshoots it for a 19. Now let’s be clear. She rolls a nat 1 for her damage - and still does 26 points of piercing damage. What a badass.

Demon bitch Cure Wounds herself. (We are furious; when the DM does that it’s definitely cheating.) Then she casts Inflict Wounds, swooping down on Tarragon - no she doesn’t, actually. Ha. She doesn’t have enough movement. She moves closer; Tarragon sees she is darkly beautiful, and doesn’t like the feelings it produces. Demon bitch casts Tasha’s Caustic Brew, and Tarragon fails her Dex save. She will take acid damage until she takes an action to remove it from her body.

Gunna is right on the edge, but makes a Perception check and knows that’s where he is and not to move forward. He takes off his armour. (This will take him a minute - ten rounds. Might be better toughing it out…? If he gets hit without armour, that will definitely do more than 1D4 damage a round.) His stumbling has brought him close to Ahleqs, who is also now blinded. (He feels a strong urge to find a way out of the dark so he can get another glimpse at the beautiful demon.)

Ahleqs backs up a bit more. He can only see his love, now. (Wait, where’s Popcorn in the order? He must have fallen out somehow. I roll for him and Joe puts him back in. Popcorn can take an action and ready another, if he likes, on his turn.) Ahleqs casts Eldritch Blast - the first misses but the second hits. He does 7HP to a quasit, which bursts in a cloud of filth. He makes another save vs the Charm and fails again. ToC - he gains resistance to all damage for the next minute. Sweet.

Popcorn readies an action, there being nothing he can see that he could reach.

It’s our invisible friend’s turn. The good news for Gunna is that the darkness falls and he regains his sight, and his armour stops burning him. The bad news is that Kessler has to make a CON save - which she fails. Her armour starts to burn her. Invisible friend reveals himself - it looks like a black bin bag with horns. (Joe shows us a picture; Sophie thinks this guy needs to see an orthodontist as soon as possible and she’s not wrong. A mani-pedi wouldn’t go amiss, either.)

Kessler takes another 5 fire damage at the start of her turn, from the scorchio armour. She goes for the new guy with a dagger and hits for 6 piercing damage - then goes again for another 6. It seems resistant to that kind of damage, however. Cooooooooool. ‘Fuck you, creature, fuck you.’ She bonus-action-disengages, and backs down the stairs.

Grease wizard and Rusty are up. What are they doing? ‘Good question. Well. Shit.’ Uh… Perhaps a Chill Touch? ‘Alight, alight I say!’ 11 to hit? Yeah, nah. Bugger! ‘Rusty - Skewer!’ ‘Okay boss,’ in a hillbilly accent. Rusty misses too. ‘Ah no!’

Tarragon uses her action to remove the acid. Riveting stuff.

Melaina hides and shoots for a fuck ton of damage.

(Joe tells us that he’s read Demon bitch’s spells and has tactically decided not to use one of them, because it could reduce one of us to ash. We all breathe sighs of relief.) Demon bitch does Mind Whip against Melaina, who fails her save and takes 13 PSY damage.

Gunna’s armour is no longer on fire, so he drops his sword and shield on the ground to pull out his longbow. (Oo-er.) He shoots at demon bitch, aiming at her wings, hoping to knock her out of the sky (a fighter ability, I think). He hits - but she reaction-shields. He fires again, hits for a 21! She is forced to make STR save (From Joe’s voice, not something she’s good at). She gets a 19, however. She takes the damage, but is not knocked out of the sky. Booh.

Ahleqs does Witch Bolt on New Guy, 25 hits for 30 Lightning damage. Woah! It doesn’t do as much damage as he hoped, however. ToC - he casts Mirror Image. A whole bunch of extra Ahleqses appear, all bald, blue and shouting.

Popcorn rushes over to New Guy and makes a multi-attack - but both miss. Gunna yells at him not to be a hero, but he’s very stupid and doesn’t understand.

New Guy causes Kessler another 5 fire damage from her superheated armour. (Ahleqs remembers he was supposed to make a save vs the Charm spell. Can he use ToC twice? Yes, and he makes the save and the Charm drops. He is immediately disgusted with himself. His ToC makes every creature within 30 feet of him are now vulnerable to piercing damage for the next minute. Which is most of us, and none of the baddies. Awesome.)

New guy is a Babau. It takes an opportunity attack from Popcorn who hits it, and is only slightly disappointed at the little amount of damage it takes. The Babau attacks Gunna (who has dropped his shield), and does 10 piercing damage.

Kessler makes a CON save to see if she can attack without disadvantage from her fiery armour, and passes. She takes another 5 fire damage but is not hampered. She shoots some lightning at the babau and gets a solid hit with a 26, for 14 damage. He takes half damage, but he takes it. Kessler shouts, “Oi, we haven’t finished over here!” She shoots again with a dirty 20, for another 6 points (halved) and slams a healing potion for her bonus action.

Grease wizard’s mic has been broken for the last half hour; he’s been chatting away to himself without realising why none of his jokes were landing. Lol. He Chill Touches the demon lady but misses. He does a battle cry, which Kessler mistakes for his hernia cry.

Rusty has a go and whiffs. DM: ‘Rusty done fucked up.’

Tarragon Healing Word’s Gunna for 7 HP (without two rage damage on top). She Thorn Whips the demon bitch but misses, and moves forward to menace her from the ground.

Melaina sharpshoots something but misses. Shit. She can’t do anything else because of Tasha’s Mind Whip; Tasha has turned on her.

It’s the Babau’s turn. It casts Confusion on Kessler and Popcorn; they both fail their WIS saves. Popcorn, for his part, is only mildly more confused than he normally is.

Gunna slams a potion, and brandishes his silvered battle axe. He attacks the babau two handed with an 18, forcing a STR save. It passes. Dammit. It still takes 8 slashing damage. Gunna attacks again with a natty 20! That misses. (lol.) He’s got a critical hit deck; he clicks on that to see what happens. No table found with that name. DM, fed up with roll20’s bullshit: ‘Shitty death.’ He’s doing slashing damage, so it is a slash to the ribs for max damage. (which is halved, but still.) Noice! He forces another STR save, which the Babau fails. Woo! It’s knocked prone. He legs it back to his sword and shield.

Ahleqs’s Witch Bolt from last turn can do damage on this turn as well - it’s halved, but it still takes it.

Popcorn rolls a 9 for the Confusion spell, which lets him move and act normally. (For an already confused creature, magical confusion doesn’t do much.) He rushes over to the Babau and multi-attacks it, hitting both times. The damage is halved but Popcorn is still pretty happy with that. The Babau stands up and skewers him for 9HP. Nooo! This is the babau’s last warning - he’s attacking everyone’s favourite party member, here.

Kessler has to attack someone at random; she rolls a d8, to attack Gideon. ‘Betrayal! Racial profiling!’ She rolls a 17 to hit (is she playing Among Us, or something?) This is not going to look good on her performance review. She’s fired. She gets a multi-attack and rolls to hit Rusty. NooO! (Rusty has less cute appeal than Popcorn; waft of the grave is less appealing.)

There’s a lot of shouting as everyone talks at once. Rusty, momentarily dropping the hillbilly accent: ‘I don’t like it, Berk, not one bit’

Gideon attacks Kessler back; this has been brewing for a while, let’s be honest. He justifies it by saying perhaps it’ll knock some sense into her. He does a Thunderwave - Kessler fails her save and flies ten feet backward. Off the tower? Gideon: ‘one can only hope.’ No, only ten feet. ‘But if I did it again…’

Kessler can make her save again as she’s taken damage, but fails again. Rusty Grave Bolts the demon lady, but misses.

Tarragon Healing Word’s Gunna again, and Thorn Whips demon bitch - she hits this time, but only 3 points of damage. Not halved though, so yay.

Melaina moves and tries to hide behind the cage; she’s an elf so she can hide in drizzle if she wants. Popcorn is engaged with the Babau (Melaina thought they were only going out!) so Melaina gets advantage - she sharpshoots, but misses.

Demon bitch casts Inflict Wounds on Ahleqs, but misses. He is very lucky, because she cast that at a higher level.

Gunna improvises a weapon using his sword - hits demon bitch with the handle end. No, he swats her with his shield, like she’s a giant mosquito. The idea is to do some fancy fighter moves and use his bonus action to grapple her. 13 to hit? That misses. He uses Unarmed Strike for a 22, and 6 bludgeoning. He makes a grapple attempt - contested STR checks. He beats her, handily, and grapples her.

Ahleqs still has Witch Bolt up. Lightning damage don’t impress her much, but he goes for it anyway. He uses ToC because he’s terrified of her, and casts it at level 2. 17 just hits, phew. 19 damage. 1D6 flumphs appear; and are frightened of Ahleqs. He rolls - a six. Maximum flumphs. Gideon decides to try all his languages until he finds one they understand.

Joe calls it there. Before we go, Gideon asks how the demon lady is looking - makes an Investigation check for a 14. She looks bruised and bloodied. ‘Is it coming out of her nose mouth and eyes?’ No, she looks a bit heroin chic, but not quite on her last legs.

Melaina (Mialee???) can make a History check at advantage - for a 13. She can’t remember much but she thinks this woman is some kind of half-elf, half-demon hybrid. ‘Disgusting!’ ‘Disgraceful!’ ‘Shocking!’ ‘Let’s put it in the ground!’

Right. Same time next week :)

[mrmichaelchadler]

Au Hasard Balthazar

This review was originally published on March 19, 2004.

Robert Bresson is one of the saints of the cinema, and "Au Hasard Balthazar" (1966) is his most heartbreaking prayer. The film follows the life of a donkey from birth to death, while all the time living it the dignity of being itself--a dumb beast, noble in its acceptance of a life over which it has no control. Balthazar is not one of those cartoon animals that can talk and sing and is a human with four legs. Balthazar is a donkey, and it is as simple as that.

We first see Balthazar as a newborn, taking its first unsteady steps, and there is a scene that provides a clue to the rest of the film; three children sprinkle water on its head and baptize it. What Bresson may be suggesting is that although the church teaches that only humans can enter into heaven, surely there is a place at God's side for all of his creatures.

Balthazar's early life is lived on a farm in the rural French district where all the action takes place; the donkey will be owned many of the locals, and return to some of them more than once. A few of them are good, but all of them are flawed, although there is a local drunk who is not cruel or thoughtless to the animal, despite his other crimes.

Balthazar's first owner is Marie (Anne Wiazemsky), who gives him his name. Her father is the local schoolmaster, and her playmate is Jacques (Walter Green), who agrees with her that they will marry someday. Jacques' mother dies, and his grief-stricken father leaves the district, entrusting his farm to Marie's father (Philippe Asselin), in whom he has perfect trust. Marie loves Balthazar, and delights in decorating his bridle with wild-flowers, but she does nothing to protect him when local boys torment the beast. The leader of this gang is Gerard (Francois Lafarge), and when Marie glances up to the church choir during Mass as Gerard sings, he brings an evil even to the holy words.

Marie's father is a victim of the sin of pride. Although he has managed the farm with perfect honesty, he refuses to produce records or receipts to prove himself, after rumors are spread by jealous neighbors that he is stealing from the owner. To the despair of Marie's mother (Nathalie Joyaut), he follows his stubborness straight into bankruptcy. Balthazar becomes the possession of the local baker, and is used by the baker's boy (none other than Gerard) to deliver bread. Gerard mistreats and abuses Balthazar, who eventually simply refuses to move. Gerard responds by tying a newspaper to its tail and setting it on fire. Eventually under Gerald's mistreatment thedonkey collapses and there is talk of putting it down.

But the town drunk, Arnold (Jean-Claude Guilbert), saves him and brings him back to life, and then there is Balthazar's brief moment of glory when he is hired out as a circus animal--the Mathematical Donkey, who can solve multiplication tables. This life is soon brought to an end, as Balthazar becomes the property of a recluse, and then finally wanders back on its own to the stable where it began its life, and where it finds Marie's father and even Marie.

But this is not a sentimental ending. Marie is a weak girl, who rejects the sincere Jacques when he returns as a young man, to say he still loves her. She prefers Gerard, who mistreats her but seems glamorous with his leather jacket and motor bike. What we see through Balthazar's eyes is a village filled with small, flawed, weak people, in a world where sweetness is uncommon and cruelty comes easily.

That is what we see -- but what does Balthazar see? The genius of Bresson's approach is that he never gives us a single moment that could be described as one of Balthazar's "reaction shots." Other movie animals may roll their eyes or stomp their hooves, but Balthazar simply walks or waits, regarding everything with the clarity of a donkey who knows it is a beast of burden, and that its life consists of either bearing or not bearing, of feeling pain or not feeling pain, or even feeling pleasure. All of these things are equally beyond its control.

There is however Balthazar's bray. It is not a beautiful sound, but it is the sound a donkey can make, and when Balthazar brays it might sound to some like a harsh complaint, but to me it sounds like a beast who has been given one noise to make in the world, and gains some satisfaction by making it. It is important to note that Balthazar never brays on cue to react to specific events; that would turn him into a cartoon animal.

Although the donkey has no way of revealing its thoughts, that doesn't prevent us from supplying them -- quite the contrary; we regard that white-spotted furry face and those big eyes, and we feel sympathy with every experience the donkey undergoes. That is Bresson's civilizing and even spiritual purpose in most of his films; we must go to the characters, instead of passively letting them come to us. In the vast majority of movies, everything is done for the audience. We are cued to laugh or cry, be frightened or relieved; Hitchcock called the movies a machine for causing emotions in the audience.

Bresson (and Ozu) take a different approach. They regard, and ask us to regard along with them, and to arrive at conclusions about their characters that are our own. This is the cinema of empathy. It is worth noting that both Ozu and Bresson use severe stylistic limitations to avoid coaching our emotions. Ozu in his sound films almost never moves his camera; every shot is framed and held, and frequently it begins before the characters enter the scene and continues after they leave.

Bresson's most intriguing limitation is to forbid his actors to act. He was known to shoot the same shot 10, 20, even 50 times, until all "acting" was drained from it, and the actors were simply performing the physical actions and speaking the words. There was no room in his cinema for De Niro or Penn. It might seem that the result would be a movie filled with zombies, but quite the contrary: By simplifying performance to the action and the word without permitting inflection or style, Bresson achieves a kind of purity that makes his movies remarkably emotional. The actors portray lives without informing us how to feel about them; forced to decide for ourselves how to feel, forced to empathize, we often have stronger feelings than if the actors were feeling them for us.

Given this philosophy, a donkey becomes the perfect Bresson character. Balthazar makes no attempt to communicate its emotions to us, and it comunicates its physical feelings only in universal terms: Covered with snow, it is cold. Its tail set afire, it is frightened. Eating its dinner, it is content. Overworked, it is exhausted. Returning home, it is relieved to find a familiar place. Although some humans are kind to it and others are cruel, the motives of humans are beyond its understanding, and it accepts what they do because it must. 

Now here is the essential part. Bresson suggests that we are all Balthazars. Despite our dreams, hopes and best plans, the world will eventually do with us whatever it does. Because we can think and reason, we believe we can figure a way out, find a solution, get the answer. But intelligence gives us the ability to comprehend our fate without the power to control it. Still, Bresson does not leave us empty-handed. He offers us the suggestion of empathy. If we will extend ourselves to sympathize with how others feel, we can find the consolation of sharing human experience, instead of the loneliness of enduring it alone.

The final scene of "Au Hasard Balthazar" makes that argument in a beautiful way. The donkey is old and near death, and wanders into a herd of sheep--as, indeed, it began its life in such a herd. The other animals come and go, sometimes nuzzling up against it, taking little notice, accepting this fellow animal, sharing the meadow and the sunshine. Balthazar lies down and eventually dies, as the sheep continue about their business. He has at last found a place where the other creatures think as he does.

Ebert's review of Bresson's "Pickpocket" is also in the Great Movies series.

from All Content https://ift.tt/2GV6FJs

[allineednow]

Therapist recounts abuse, survival in 'The Only Girl in the World&rsquo...

"The Only Girl in the World," Maude Julien

Posted: 12:00 a.m. Saturday, December 23, 2017

Maude Julien's "The Only Girl in the World" is a disturbing, engrossing memoir of a bizarre, highly violent youth.

Psychotherapist Julien makes her literary debut with a gripping chronicle of growing up imprisoned and tormented by her parents. Isolated on a property not far from Dunkirk, Julien was raised to become a "superior being," destined to "control the weak-minded and bring about the great regeneration of the universe." Her father, a paranoid, narcissistic conspiracy theorist, "a Grand Master of Freemasonry and a great knight of a secret order," had adopted and then married Julien's mother, who assisted in the demanding, cruel regimen that he designed to shape their daughter's body and head. They locked her in a dank, rat-infested cellar, forbidding her to move (her mother sewed bells inside her sweater to monitor disobedience). They also attempted to quash any signs of compassion or love; Julien had to cage her gentle dog daily, and when her beloved horse died, they made her dig a hole to bury it. Her father bought the horse not as a pet for Julien but to ensure she learned to ride: " just like swimming, riding will be quite useful if I need to escape" persecution and "to have the ability to get a job with a circus in case I must hide or go undercover at some stage." They forced her to bathe in their own dirty bathwater: "an honour," her father said, that "allows you to benefit from my energies when they enter your body." They refused to summon a doctor when she was sick, and they dismissed her being mistreated by their lecherous handyman. Finally, when Julien was a teenager, a sort, observant music teacher assessed the situation and contrived to give her lessons at his own studio; he soon hired her to work for him part-time and introduced her to a young man who married her. Although she escaped physically, Julien admits, "being outside was not enough to make me free." Years of therapy led her to become a therapist herself.

This memoir is a startling testament of survival.

A warm winter romance

Thrown together by a Brooklyn blizzard, two NYU professors and a Guatemalan nanny find themselves with a body to dispose of in Isabel Allende's "In the Midst of Winter."

"Blessed with the stoic character of her people, accustomed as they are to earthquakes, floods, occasional tsunamis, and political cataclysm," 61 year-old Chilean academic Lucia Maraz is nonetheless a bit freaked out with a snowstorm so acute that it's reported on television "in the solemn tone usually reserved for news about terrorism in far-off nations." Her spouse and boss, the tightly wound Richard Bowmaster, lives right upstairs with his four cats, but he rebuffs her offer of soup and business. Too bad: She might have a crush on him. Input Evelyn Ortega, a diminutive young woman from Guatemala Richard matches when he skids into her Lexus on the iced-over streets. Evelyn's hysterical response to the fender bender seems crazily out of proportion when she shows up on his doorstep that night, and he's Lucia come up to help him understand why she is so upset. The Lexus, it turns out, belongs to her volatile, violent employer ... and there is a corpse in the now-unlatchable trunk. Once Lucia gradually pieces together Evelyn's story -- she was smuggled north with a coyote after barely surviving gang violence that killed both of her sisters -- the two professors decide to help her, and the plan they come up with is straight out of a telenovela. While that's getting underway, Allende ("The Japanese Lover," 2015) fills in the dark and complex histories of Richard and Lucia, who have suffered planting losses. The horrors of Evelyn's past have left her mute; Richard is a complete nervous wreck; Lucia fears there is not any better love coming her way compared to that of her Chihuahua, Marcelo.

This winter's tale has something to melt every frozen heart.

The Austin American-Statesman has teamed with Kirkus Reviews to bring you select reviews from among the most trusted and authoritative voices in publication discovery. For more reviews from Kirkus, visit kirkusreviews.com.

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