#it's called I have ADHD this is all I've been able to think about for the past 3 days and I am unmedicated

[copperbadge]

So the ADHD Handbook post struck a chord with a lot of people...

I don't think I have it in me to write the book I suggested, mainly because most of what I want to write about is variable by situation. I can't actually offer a magic formula for getting a good assessment, all I would be able to do is say "Here are the warning signs, here's my personal story, shit's just rough". Which I could do but it'd be basically an entire book of "shrug emoji". The best possible way would probably be to offer it as a workbook, like "Here is a page for you to record every communication with the clinic doing your testing. Here is a page for you to write down possible other approaches to getting your medication if the pharmacy is out." etc.

I do think I might write it as a novel of some kind. Possibly even a novel about someone writing a handbook, I haven't decided. I had a dream last night about the book, in which I saw a woman watching a revolution taking place in the distance, thinking, "This is not what I intended when I set out to write a self-help book." Baller way to start a novel, honestly.

Anyway there were several suggestions for books in the notes, so I thought I'd compile those here. I have read none of these, so I can't vouch for their contents, but I'm including what my readers said about them.

@blogquantumreality linked to How To ADHD by Jessica McCabe, who is a well-known ADHD youtuber (I haven't found her videos super helpful but they're also not aimed at me). @knitsinweirdplaces added "The last section of the How to ADHD book is literally called 'how to change the world' and exactly points out we can advocate for a more disability friendly world that traumatizes ADHDer less in the first place. It's the only book I've read that hits the balance of 'your brain has immutable challenges' and 'these strats may help' right. Bonus, it is inclusive of people who use adhd meds and those who don't/can't."

@theindefinitearticle mentioned "I read how to keep house while drowning recently and it's been much more practical for me in terms of actual usable advice." This book has also come up numerous times during National Clean Your Home Month as a helpful guide to cleaning.

@buginateacup said "The year I met my brain is the only one I've read that actually felt like it was making useful suggestions for living with ADHD."

@cabloom said "iampayingattention on Instagram wrote How Not To Fit In."

@grison-in-space said "Do you have any idea how over the top excited I was when I found I Overcame My Autism and All I Got Was This Lousy Anxiety Disorder?"

@doubleminorforroughing wrote "Please read Devon Price. He wants to tear it all down and I love it." I will add that I don't think I've read Laziness Does Not Exist but I have read Price's shortform work extensively and I think he's been very influential in rethinking how we frame laziness and productivity in relation to both work and neurodivergence, so I can second the recommendation.

[brehaaorgana]

ADHD money/budgeting system I'm currently using for my benefit is going well (I've been using it for like half a year now?), and I wanna recommend it.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT. 10/10 do recommend. Uhhh rambling about it and my generic disclaimers + gushing extensively under the cut but TL;DR I think it's great for ADHD ppl, I've used it for 6+ months now and I find it super SUPER helpful. also weirdly fun.

DISCLAIMERS:

Budgeting helps you understand/know your money, it can't make money appear where there is none.

Everyone should learn to budget even if you don't have much money (especially then)

This is NOT a magic trick solution. Just like everything else, it is an assistive tool. This is one of those adult things we can't simply opt out of without negative consequences, though.

My advice is based on something I am currently able to do. That is, I can spend an amount of money on this specific thing that works well for me. If you have no extra money to spend then previously I was tracking things in a notebook. So you can still do this.

I believe Dave Ramsey is a fundie fraud/hack and no one should listen to him about money.

DID YOU KNOW THEY CANCELLED MINT???

Okay? OKAY.

Ahem.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT.

It is called YNAB for short. The first 34 days are your free trial, and that is my referral link. If anyone uses it and then signs up for a subscription, we both get a month free. Also you can share a subscription with up to six people (account owner can see everything but individuals can pick and choose what they share amongst each other) so like...idk your whole polycule can be on one account. Or your kids. Whatever.

If you are a student, it's free for a year. If you aren't, a subscription is $99 for a year (paid all at once) or $14.99 monthly, which is equivalent to paying Amazon prime. Go cancel Prime and get this instead tbh.

They got a whole article just on ynab and ADHD. They also have like...a big variety of ways to access their info? They have a book, podcast episodes, YouTube videos, blog posts, q&A's, free live workshops you can join (you can request live captioning), emails they can send (if you want) a wiki, and so on. They got workshops on all kinds of topics!!

So whatever ends up working for your brain. It also has a matching app.

If you lost Mint this year they have a gajillion things for moving from Mint.

Also they have a "got five minutes?" Page which has a slider so you can decide how much attention/time you have before going on lol:

They only have 4 rules of the budget, they're simple and practical, and it doesn't get judgey or like...mean about your spending.

1. Give every dollar a job 2. Embrace your true expenses 3. Roll with the punches 4. Age your money.

THEN THEY BREAK THESE DOWN INTO SMALL STEPS FOR YOU! They even have a printable! Also these rules are great because there's built in expectations that things WILL HAPPEN and it's NOT all or nothing with a fear of total collapse into failure. Reality and The Plan don't always align, especially if you have ADHD. So it's directing our energy towards the true expenses and not clinging to The Plan!! over reality.

You can automate a lot of shit (you can sync with your bank accounts just like mint, but also automate tagging the categories of regular expenses/transactions). And if for whatever reason you accidentally do something that makes the budget look weird or wrong:

A) you can usually fix it somehow OR b) they have like, a button you can press that gives you a clean slate and archives the previous version of the budget for you.

So if you forget for a few weeks or months, or accidentally input something wildly wrong, or just don't want to look at a really terrible month anymore and feel like you need a fresh start you can usually either fix it or start fresh which is really nice.

The app also (for whatever reason) scratches my itch to have things like...have incentives or little game-like goals in a way mint never did? I don't know why. Filling up the bars or putting money into the categories to cover my expenses is satisfying lmao. You can also make a big wish expense category for all the fun shit you want, and fund it whenever you can and then you can see the little bar go up and that's fun.

Anyways I've been using it for like 6+ months now and I think it's really helped me when I use it.

[inkskinned]

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Derin experiencing and writing the most ADHD-coded experiences taken straight out of the DSM: Not me tho I'm built different

I've been thinking about this and I think the reason that I'm so sure that my quirks aren't symptoms of anything is that all you guys who do have ADHD post about having utterly miserable unrewarding lives full of chaos and instability. My life is relatively chill, I find my writing and crochet to be very rewarding long-term (something which I'm constantly seeing ADHD posts about calling impossible for people with ADHD), I had no particular trouble with my Bachelor's degree or my Grad Dip and dropped out of my PhD only due to a stress-related heart condition (everyne with ADHD here seems to talk about how hard it is to complete higher education with ADHD). People with ADHD here talks about how ADHD makes long term commitments practically impossible; I've been doing my web serials for... what, 5 or 6 years, I think?... and while it's not fun every minute of every day (no job is), it's been perfectly achievable and I'm not likely to stop any time soon. People with ADHD here post about how they're always restless or bored or miserable; I tend to be pretty relaxed and generally happy. They post about how long term projects are horrible and they can't get pride or a sense of achievement from them, only a sense of relief that it's over; I do get a sense of relief when something's over, but I'm looking at the huge patterned blanket I crocheted a couple of years ago right now and feeling pride in it. They post about having highly addictive personalities; the only things I'm addicted to are caffeine and this fucking webbed site. I get bored with predatory 'addictive' games immediately. I was academically very successful in school, was able to focus on things like reading for long periods of time (I'm less good at that now but I think that's the effect of the internet on my brain, not anything intrinsic), and while I do tend to be a very disorganised person I've never been disorganised enough that it's caused me serious unresolvable issues.

My life experiences just do not match up with the experiences espoused by people with ADHD. Life is neither incredibly hard nor miserable for me. I just happen to also be absent-minded.

[naamahdarling]

Two days ago and I was comfortable enough that this was the right choice that I was able to make the call to have Smooch put to sleep. I am sure now. I wish I weren't. It hurts to see him like this. The vet is out or I would move it forward. We could do the emergency vet but I literally do not think I could do it without our vet and my favorite nurse. That feels selfish but when she answered the phone yesterday the comfort was... astonishing.

I'm trying to prepare. I've been waiting for this for a long time, which is why it's bearable at all. I have entertainment, I have an art project to memorialize him ready to go for whenever I feel like it. I have plans to make a couple of keepsakes. But there's going to be a hole in my life so much bigger than his frail little body. It's the end of part of me. He has been there in my future for so long, thinking about not having him there is like vertigo, or a reverse haunting of some kind. It's a Wrongness, part of the world about to be unmade. He is genuinely part of my identity. I'm all these things that I consider core parts of me -- queer, funny, creative, curious, a little clever, loving, an artist, a survivor, my friends' friend, my blood sister's sister, my chosen sister's sibling, my father's daughter, my boyfriend's partner...and I'm Dried Pickle Man's person.

Here at home IRL and online, and everywhere I go, to almost anyone I speak to at all, I have been his human for 13 years and 27 days.

And that isn't enough apparently, because Sid, too, is slipping away. I...I don't know that we can save him, either. His digestive issues are keeping him from eating, we can't stop the flare, a feeding tube won't fix it, meds aren't helping him. He's losing weight very fast. Vet is at a loss. I usually have a pretty good idea of what to do next or what needs to happen. I have nothing for him. The specialist might know. How the hell do we keep affording it?

And Raleigh. Oh god. Raleigh. If we can't afford the surgery or if it fails. What do we do?

What if we lose all three?

What if my boyfriend loses BOTH his boys? Raleigh alone is going to devastate him. Not just sad, like ordinary grief, I mean I have never ever in my life seen an animal love a human this much.

He's already struggling with his depression and ADHD. He will suffer and there is nothing I can do to stop this all from happening. I can't dig into a hidden well of trying harder, I can't outsmart it. I can't comfort him by saying that it is hard but possible to influence this. I hate seeing him in pain.

And I'm scared for me. I am afraid it will just ruin him and I will lose him too, until and unless he can recover. And I already spend so much time alone. Even my art is...gone. Too painful. Writing isn't really possible, either. My body barely feels like mine these days. I have so fucking little to hang on to. My cats are one of the last things I have of myself. One of the only good things I have in my day to day life.

It's all an absolutely terrifying cascade. Unlike a lot of situations where I'm scared of the future, this isn't me afraid of unlikely scenarios that are several crises away. This is very real. And I'm usually not scared for my boyfriend like this.

It won't kill us. You can come back from something like this, probably, I know people survive much worse and I'm bombarded with reminders of that a dozen times a day. But it can take such a long time to come back, and...sometimes you just...Come Back Wrong.

I'm not often genuinely completely helpless. I am helpless now.

[demonslayerunhinged]

Unhinged theory

Sanemi and Giyuu are exes (Part 2)

Ok so this part is just spoilers galore but if you don't mind then ok. Here's part one.

The second beginning

During the final battle after they have both unlocked their demon slayer marks. They are more open with each other, Sanemi has learned to trust others and Giyuu has learned to trust himself and Sanemi throwing the sword is awesome for him because it's Sanemi telling him that 'I trust you, don't let me down!' and Giyuu thinks 'Yes! I'll do my best!'. The previous training that they've done now comes into play because they know each other's moves and are able to fight together seamlessly!

The last shot of them eating Giyuu's favorite dish together not only calls back to Sanemi's offer, but I feel that it's also a way for Giyuu to begin opening up, like he's telling Sanemi 'This is me' and that he wants Sanemi back and wants to mend their relationship.

The side eye Sanemi's giving Giyuu is so funny because he seems wary. I can just imagine their conversation.

Sanemi: You'd better not fuck this up again, or I will leave your ass for good.

Giyuu (already playing the part of the whipped husband): Yes, dear.

Some proof

Like I said in the Part 1, I already talked about the romantic undertones in Giyuu's attempts to connect with Sanemi by his body language and expressions. It's obvious Giyuu wants him and now that Tanjiro has touched his heart a second time, he now has a stronger understanding of his emotions and what he wants.

Here, I'll list a bunch of tidbits that point to them having a previous relationship.

Giyuu and Tanjiro's discussion about Sanemi post coma-inducing punch should've stopped at theories as to what type of bean paste he likes, but they kept on talking about him. I don't think Giyuu would do that if he didn't know more stuff about Sanemi, maybe through their past interactions, his own observations or both.

Giyuu describes Sanemi as grumpy and hot-tempered in the Corps records, contrast this with his thoughts on Obanai. He feels sad and doesn't know why our snek boy doesn't like him but with Sanemi the short description he gives is similar to one I would give about someone I'm familiar who has a major flaw that I can't ignore that makes it hard for me to connect with them.

How did Sanemi know where Giyuu's training grounds were? Even Tanjiro who has spent a considerable time with Giyuu still needed a map for directions. You might argue that Sanemi's crow probably told him where Giyuu's place is, but neither of their crows are present during the entire scene. So Sanemi has to have known where, which means he's probably been there before and has sparred with him in the past.

I've talked about how their fight was similar to a conversation than actual training, and the way that they're able to perfectly counter and dodge each other's moves tells me that this isn't their first time sparring. There's also Sanemi's demeanor during the fight, in his training with Obanai and Muichiro, he was serious but with Giyuu he's...smiling? He was enjoying himself, even his taunts to Giyuu had a playful edge to it. It's like he's happy to be sparring with an old friend.

Giyuu's lack of reaction when Sanemi suggests that they beat each other up. He doesn't seem threatened, it's like he knows that Sanemi isn't actually going to hurt him and based on Sanemi's annoyance at Tanjiro coming between them, there's a small chance that Sanemi might have been joking and Giyuu knew it. It wasn't as big of a deal as Tanjiro made it out to be.

In Conclusion, Sanemi and Giyuu probably have history, which is why the vibes between them feel like they're an old, married couple.

*Yes, I am crazy and yes, this is an ADHD, 4 hours of sleep, caffeine-induced breakdown. Their relationship is my current hyperfixation, and I'm going to make it everyone's problem 🙂. It's all Ufotable's fault.

[lizthewriter]

Hi! I love your fan fictions! I was wondering (First time requesting ever) if you could do a FIC for Mattheo or Theodore based on exile and the readers dealing with self hate,anxiety, autsim, adhd, Depression, and they feel so alone and push him away because the readers scared to accept her feelings and afraid she’ll get left, and no one loves or cares about her?

AUTHOR'S NOTE Oh my God, thank you so much for sending in a request! This is actually the first request I have ever received, so this is a first for us both! By exile, I'm assuming you mean the song exile by Taylor Swift. Here's a little blurb just for you anon! And thank you for the compliment, I'm glad you love my fanfics! Sending love and good vibes your way

Honestly, I tried my best with this. I've gone through depression and self-hate, and I am currently dealing with anxiety and ADHD. I don't know too much about autism, but I really tried my hardest to convey what you've requested. I hope this is satisfactory!

exile / mattheo riddle

PAIRING Mattheo Riddle x fem!Reader

SUMMARY Everything in your life feels like it's going wrong and there's nothing you can do to change it. What once brought you joy only leaves you numb. What once excited you now only bored you. What you loved only saw you as a friend.

Taking shelter in an empty classroom during a panic attack, Mattheo Riddle finds you a sobbing mess on the stone floors. You find out that he likes you more than you think he does.

TAGS Mattheo Riddle x fem!Reader, angst, hurt/comfort, self-hate, depression, anxiety, stress, ADHD, autism, exams, panic attack, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, fluff, happy ending, kissing

"All this time, / we always walked a very thin line, / you didn't even hear me out," - exile, Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

WORD COUNT 2.0K

WRITTEN 23.08.2023

pt. 2 here, karma

You sat in Transfiguration, leg bouncing nervously as you stared down at the test questions. You have always been a terrible test-taker - all the pressure of having to get good marks in such a limited time period and all this weight on your shoulders with the upcoming NEWT's made you more than nervous. Your brows were furrowed in both concentration and confusion. As you were gnawing on the end of your quill, McGonagall announced that it was time for you to place your quills down and pack your things. You let out a shaky sigh, placing down your quill. How could you not answer a simple question? Everyone else seemed to be finding the material easy, why couldn't you? You sat there, beating yourself up as you quickly packed your things away and left class.

You left Transfiguration by yourself and headed back to your dorm. Not only were you doing poorly in your classes, you also happened to be insanely in love with someone in your year. And, of course, you had to fall in love with the most unavailable person. Not only was he not interested in girls, he would never be interested in someone like you. I mean, why would he? What made you so special? And he has referred to you as a mate on so many occasions that if you had a nickel for every one, you'd surely be drowning in an ocean of them. Oh, and not only that, but you didn't really have friends. Most of the people you knew were dating and had at least one best friend. But you? No, you may know a variety of people but you couldn't call any of them a good friend, even. You didn't understand what you were doing wrong. Why was everyone else living happy, productive lives while you were stuck being miserable, alone, and depressed?

I mean, you lost all interest in everything. You couldn't find the joy in reading or taking walks about the grounds anymore. Your schoolwork was taking a turn for worse and you found yourself and bored and tired of your classes. Your grades were slipping, you had no friends, no partner, no nothing. Everything just felt wrong, wrong, wrong. And all you could do was sit there and blame yourself.

You knew you wouldn't be able to make it to your dorm to find the privacy to cry- you quickly ducked into the nearest room, curled up into the corner, and burst into sobs. It was all just too much and too little at the same time. You just felt like you couldn't deal with all this anymore. If you didn't deserve to be happy, than maybe you didn't deserve to be at all. Your hands bunched up into fists, lightly hitting your head at your temples. You hated your thoughts, the way your brain worked. You hated how you could think about everything all at once. You just wanted it all to stop, all to end.

You didn't hear the sounds of footsteps passing the classroom - Mattheo had only been walking by, skipping out on Potions, when he heard you. When he glanced into the classroom and saw you crying there, he couldn't help himself.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

You froze, sniffling, your chest heaving for air. You hadn't heard him and was caught off guard. Quickly, you wiped your face with the edge of your sleeve, collecting your bag from the ground and hiking it up your shoulder. "Nothing - nothing's wrong."

He ducked his head, his lips set into a thin-line as he observed you. "I'm not stupid. I can see that you're crying."

Great. Now you had offended the only person, perhaps, that even cared to talk to you for more than five minutes. He must hate you right now. Depise you. Think you to be cruel. "I didn't mean to say you were stupid." It was hard to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over the threshold. You wiped your eyes with the end of your sleeve again. Why should he care about you? He must be pitying you now, surely he would have no other reason to act so concerned. Even if he did, he would one day realize that you were never as good as he thought you.

His gaze softened, the edges of his lips curling up slightly. He approached you, raising his hand to wipe away a tear that had collected in the inner corner of your eye. "'S all right, darling. Don't cry. Just talk with me about it, hm?"

Your chest heaved as you took in a shaky breath. "W-why do you care? I'm sure you have better things to do." You let out a weak laugh, backing away from his touch. "I mean, come on, don't you have Potions right now?"

"Why do I - I care about you. Do you need a reason why?"

"Yes, I do, actually," you responded, cringing at how snarky you sounded.

Mattheo let out a sigh. "I care about you because you're beautiful, inside and out. I care about you because you make me laugh. And you make me feel better when I've had a shit day. I care about you because no one makes my heart flutter like you do." His voice got smaller as he took a step towards you, and gradually raised his hands to cup your cheeks. He drew your gaze to his eyes, those beautiful brown eyes. His expression was rather serious, as though he were trying to affirm his words. "I care about you cause you're the only person who's ever really cared about me."

You trembled beneath the soft caress of his knuckcles, meeting his eyes for a short moment before shoving him away. A brief moment of hurt echoed through his eyes as you shook your head, backing away from him. "No, no you don't. I don't. And even if you did . . . " You found your voice trailing off. You hiked the strap of your bag up your shoulder again, having slipped down your arm. "I should go. I have History of Magic soon and I don't want to be late."

Mattheo glanced at you and then down at the floor, his jaw clenched. "Fine. I won't stand in your way then."

-

You spent the majority of your time avoiding Mattheo, but you knew there'd be a day when you would run into him and you couldn't do anything about it. Today was that day, almost two weeks after the aforementioned incident.

You were curled up in the Astronomy Tower, late at night, lying on top of a blanket as you glanced up at the stars. It was perhaps the only moment of peace you had found in a while - maybe it was the whistle of wind or the glittering of the stars.

You should've known he'd be up here. He's always sneaking off places late at night, the highest points of the castle. You heard your name being called and turned around to see a surprised Mattheo. He stood but a few feet from yourself. You weren't exactly sure what to do - in your panic, you did nothing.

"Erm - may I sit down?"

You didn't say anything for a moment, drawing your legs into your chest and resting your head upon your knees. You nodded ever so slightly, glancing away from him as he plopped down next to you. His shoulder brushed up against yours and he leaned forward to try and catch your eyes, mimicking your seated position.

"Hey, I'm sorry about the other day. I should've stayed there with you . . ." His voice trailed off. He let out a sigh as he leaned back on both palms, now spraying out his legs across the blanket. He stared put at the stars, his expression neither upset nor particularly happy. "I don't think you really meant it when you said you didn't care about me. I know you do. I just want to know why you're trying to convince yourself that you don't." He paused, hesitating. "Is it because you think I don't feel the same way about you? 'Cause you can erase that thought from your mind. I like you - really, really like you. And I don't know why exactly you keep pushing me away, but I want you to know that I'm here to listen."

He bathed in your silence, not necessarily perturbed by it. He finally decided to test the waters, raising his hand to gently touch yours. He seemed fascinated with you as he ran his fingernail gently across your skin.

You didn't know whether you wanted to tell him or not. You didn't know if you could trust him. If he wouldn't just laugh in your face, call you a fool, and leave you a pitiful mess. But Salazar, did you want to spill your heart out to him. And in the mental state you were in now, coupled with your fatigue, you didn't even care anymore.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't have any friends. I'm not particularly close with my family. And everytime I did start to make a friend or - or something more, they'd just leave." You wrapped your arms tighter around your legs. "I always wondered, what's wrong with me? Do I say the wrong things? Act the wrong way? Am I really so despisable that people actively go out of their way to ignore me?" You scoffed. "Guess I must be some kind of horrible person then."

"That's not true," Mattheo said immediately, surging forward in anger. "You're an amazing person. Whoever has just left you or treated you like that, they're arseholes. I won't do that to you. Never. I don't care how many times I have to say it 'til it gets through that pretty little head of yours, I like you, I care about you, I want to make you happy . . . and if leaving you alone and pretending like I never admitted that to you makes you happy, then that's what I'll do." He waited for your response, painfully hoping for a verbal one. However, you remained silent. Mattheo felt his heart sink. "Right then. Well."

He began to push himself off the floor to get up, but you quickly grabbed his hand. "Wait!" you exclaimed in alarm, finally meeting his eyes. "I - I lied before. I do care about you. Please don't go. Please."

Mattheo sat back down with an easy-going grin, like he knew he had you right where he wanted you.

"You really like me?" You asked, both breathless and doubtful all at once.

"Do you need me to prove it to you?" His grin grew smug.

"Yes, actually."

"All right then." Mattheo raised his hand to rest under your chin, tilting your head slightly to the side so you were facing him directly. Your eyes widened as he drew closer, his eyes glancing between your eyes and your lips. Breath growing shallow, you tensed as you could feel his humid breath on your lips. "I can prove it to you right now, if you let me."

You wasted no time in smashing your lips against his, hands coming up to cup both of his cheeks. Your eyes were shut tight as you relished in the feeling of his buttery smooth lips running against yours. He was a bit more passionate tha you had expected, but he had been waiting for years to do this. And whatever his imagination could try to conjure, it was nothing compared to the real thing.

Mattheo was the one to pull away but he was soon back to give you a quick peck, sming against your lips. "You're amazing - I don't think I'll ever be leaving you after a kiss like that."

You finally grinned, a true grin, gor the first time in a long time, and brought his face back down to yours to kiss under the stars.

Thank you all for reading! Be sure to like, reblog, and comment! I really appreciate it ^^. If you have any requests, by inbox is open but make sure to check the list of characters I write for here. If you want to be tagged in any upcoming fics/headcanons of mine, let me know. If you want to see more from me, go ahead and check out my masterlist here!

[crow-n-tell]

I had a lot of trouble with this lil guy. Weird lil music men aren't easy to shift over when their body's are so... Weird. Still, here! Hermit Crab Music Men!

If you wanna see what went on in my mind for this come right this way...

So a lil info about these boys! These lil music men have adapted to live in the safe shallows, as well as some undersea areas if need be - having two different palettes which match... you've probably guessed by the additions of orange in the music mans usual pastels

Acid mushrooms! I realized as I was trying to get it all sorted that they are a nearly identical color scheme so it worked out that their colors are a little wacky. Not that real life crabs aren't a bit audacious in their colorings too. Actually the deep sea version of this guy is based off a purple crab called the Palawan Purple Crab who comes from the Philippines.

Their colors are more so for other crabs of their species to recognize them, or so I've read, but in this particular scenario it suits our lil music man as a sort of camouflage too.

Aside from it being a sort of camouflage, it also gives you insight into these lil guys diet. Most of what (I really need to come up with a name for these guys, but all I keep thinking of is crab rangboom. like crab rangoon? but a sound pun.) they eat are poisonous, which has directly affected how predators view them. Yea see, there are certain families of crabs which are toxic only because they are eating things that should not be eaten.

So music men don't have a lot of predators, other than those who have natural immunities to things like that... ahem, moon.

I imagine that the crabs closer to the surface tend to a little smaller than knee high for an average height human, where as deeper sea versions of them are a lot bigger... Like... I DONT KNOW, Leviathan big? After all these are just lil guys, lets not forget about the big music man!

Next topic is... oh yeah!

Seismic communication is basically communication through vibrations. Not just through the water, actually it's used by spiders which we can all sort of agree is what the OG music boys are. Spiders use seismic communication when it comes to their webs in particular, able to sense through vibrations in their web if they've captured prey.

Similarly a lot of sea creatures use vibrations as means of communication. Not only in the way spiders do, but sensing out prey; but by avoiding predators or talking to each other. Crabs in particular use all three, but in terms of communication to one another its been noted they will rub their legs together like crickets to talk to other crabs.

For our lil crabby boys, their claws are fashioned sort of like the the original music man has. Hollowed out in the center, they are able to click their lil crab claws together to make sounds and vibrations which distress and confuse their prey long enough to snatch em up and eat em.

Of course they also have the very on brand to SB behavior of just being a literal face hugger if they come out of the shell.

m...mmmmm..... no... noo....ooo.......

I guess the only thing left to mention is his lil

Barnacles!

I struggled with how i'd give this lil guy a top hat. Then. I remember how WEIRD barnacles are. You see a lot of barnacles that look a lil something like this:

But they come in many variations!

And I hate all of them! they are great for designs, helpful in this case, but I get nauseous when looking at them and I can't even begin to understand why.

Sorry if my adhd really popped out on this one, I am actually holding back some of the mostly irrelevant information about colors and uh, other stuff.

[briarrolfe]

Recently, I was sent a job listing. It called for a graphic designer "to produce direct response static & video ads for various social media channels, such as Facebook, TikTok, Snapchat, and YouTube." So, even though it was asking for a graphic designer, it wasn't a graphic design job—it was an advertising/social media/videography job. The career I've dedicated eight years of my life to is the bit the ad referred to as 'static'.

Ever since, I've been thinking about this idea that video is the future, and also I have been (not coincidentally) extremely depressed. Not to be all "you kids and your phones," but...

In advertising, your consumer's attention is money. Video is THE most attention-demanding form of advertising and therefore the most bang for your buck. It's why Facebook fudged their own stats for the effectiveness of pivoting to video so aggressively in the first place. If your consumer is reading something—a magazine, a poster, a book, something on their phone—then they're still listening, and if something else demands their attention, they'll just look up. If they're listening—to somebody talking, to music, to a podcast—then their eyes and hands are free to do whatever they like. They can look at the world around them, which involves many forms of competing visual advertising.

Video is a media form that doesn't stop. It keeps talking when your consumer looks up, and then keeps moving to grab their visual attention again. The best method for advertising is one that a consumer has to exert energy to not pay attention to.

(—This is why I hate video so much as somebody with ADHD. When my dopamine and blood sugar are low, focusing past someone playing TikTok audio is hard enough for me that it hurts. I've never had the same problem with radio or with like... idk, billboards. And TV is kind of bad, but at least it makes predictable sounds, whereas every person who films a TikTok with sudden screams or yelling in it is, in my opinion, going to hell.)

This is why the UI for platforms like TikTok and Instagram have autoplay, algorithms that disappear things you've seen so quickly, no scrub bars, and don't have skip or pause buttons. Your consumer has to keep their phone in hand to keep swiping or scrolling to properly engage. If that consumer can't stop a video or go back, then the platform can train them not to look up until the video is over. Anxiety that a user will lose their place or not be able to keep up with what is happening is part of what keeps them from looking away.

This is also a reason to be suspicious of why so many tech companies are obsessed with VR in general. A phone that people have to hold and look at and listen to is pretty good, right? But they can ultimately still put it down when an ad plays. It would be way better if we could put the advertising somewhere that tracks and follows their eye movements so that they literally can't look away.

We all know that text is still a better, faster, and more information-dense delivery system. Sometimes I see people mourning the pivot to video because it's a worse way to consume information. They're right! It is! But social media platforms have NO INTEREST in providing their users with like, actual reliable information. If they did, then social media companies would have no interest in AI.

(—This is also why they have no interest in fighting misinformation on their services. People who get radicalised are very engaged platform users. And the people who radicalise them come with massive budgets for ad spend.)

All social media platforms want is to get consumers hooked on their content so that they'll continue to deliver ad revenue. Video is the best way of achieving that. That's why we're all pivoting to algorithms and video. That's why Tumblr Live exists and Snapchat miraculously has not died.

Anyway. I chose to become a graphic designer.

[stormy-river]

Transcripts from the Humanity Hotline 5

This one's been a long time in the making; had to make sure I did it right. Special thanks to @mothepissedoffmidget for the idea, and my roomie, @starryeyedlarkspur for helping with the advice.

-------

Operator: "Hi, thank you for holding. My name is Mindy. How can I help you today?"

Caller: "Yes, hi! I'm Nishel, the EMO [Entertainment and Morale Officer] on my ship. We hired a human about a month ago, and I'm struggling to keep up. Is it normal for humans to tire of activities so quickly?"

O: "That depends on the human, and the activities. Could you tell me a little more?"

C: "Yes. When we hired the human, she brought books and knitting supplies to entertain herself, which I though was helpful, but after a day or two she requested some puzzles. I was able to approve and acquire some fairly easily, but the human returned only a few days later asking for scrapbooking materials, and, well, the same thing happened. Over the last month, I've acquired puzzles, scrapbooks, a climbing wall for the gym, locks and a lockpicking set -- that one was a hassle to get approved, more knitting supplies, crochet supplies (I don't even know how that's different from knitting?), painting supplies, face painting supplies (again, I don't know how that's different), strange plastic bricks that fit together, and a violin. And that's just what was approved. I've also heard from the crew that she's downloaded more books, started writing stories on her personal computer, and started learning how to write programs, and yet, with all these things, she told me this morning that she has nothing to do and was bored. I don't know what else to do. I've spent 78% of this year's entertainment budget this month!"

O: "That's a lot. Some humans have a few different hobbies at once, but usually not that many. Do you have access to crew psychological evaluations?"

C: "Yes, when necessary for morale concerns."

O: "Is there anything in the human's file?"

C: "It says Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, which is also something she's mentioned a few times, but that's tagged for possibly interfering with work, not morale."

O: "ADHD would explain it. It shouldn't only be tagged as work-related as it can actually affect a human's whole life. This is another human thing that's different for everyone, with some hyper-fixating on one thing for a really long time, or different aspects of a single subject, and others, like your crewmember, gaining and losing interest in many different things very quickly."

C: "So this will keep happening? I can see about increasing the budget for next year, but I don't think this is sustainable long term."

O: "Don't panic, there's actually a cheaper method. Communicate with other ships and supply stations with humans on board to see if they are having a similar problem. If you can find others who get and lose hobbies quickly, you can trade the supplies; give them what your human is done with, and receive their extras for her. This will also have the extra benefit of building social connections as they discuss and trade."

C: "That makes sense. It would take a lot of coordination, but I can start asking the nearby fleet."

O: "Good. I will also send a report to the Alliance to see if something can be officially established. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

C: "No, thank you, Mindy. You've been a great help."

O: "Of course. Don't hesitate to call again if something else comes up."

End Transmission

Transcription Note: Following this call, the Alliance established the Hobby Interfleet Trade Service, now the Interfleet Surplus Exchange (ISE), commissioning a fleet of delivery ships to shuttle supplies.

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[sevdrag]

hello sev i am sorry to bother you but. if you have the time. could you PLEASE elaborate on how you thought elon musk was a tumblr meme i have not been able to stop thinking about it

So. The first thing you need to know about me is that I haven't been able to follow the news for the last, like, well. About 10 years. First I was in a black-hole-of-employment, and then once 2016 hit, reading the news just made me unhealthy levels of furious. So I stopped doing it for my own sanity. This, more than anything, allowed me to live a blissful life where Actual Husband could update me every weekend on anything important, while I had a drink in my hand. I ignored as much news as I could during those years, cause it turned me into something horrible. So! That's the foundation of this story.

I also don't pay attention to, like, famous people and stuff. At all. I thought the band was called One Directional, okay? I am happy in my little corner.

The second thing to note is that while I'm quite intelligent, I also am incredibly scatter-brained. It's the ADHD.

The third is to note that I'm a heavy Tumblr user. I've curated my dash here to show me, mostly, things I like to see. It's relaxing.

So I saw all the memes about Glup Shitto and Blorbo and a million other made-up Tumblr names (whatever they were back in like 2015-ish) during my daily lunchtime scroll, right? SO when I see a post about a guy named Elon Musk, paired with something absolutely fucking ridiculous, my brain just goes: Oh. Tumblr made up another meme guy. This one's rich. That's funny.

I don't remember, but I'm possibly even reblogging stuff about Elon Musk during this time, still thinking it's a meme name. I mean, look at it. Elon Musk. Sorry, dudebro, but your name be dumb.

Elon Musk wants to build his own spaceship. Okay, Tumblr. Sure. It's like a Tony Stark that's just buttfuckingly stupid. I get the meme. Cause, like, he does crazy fucking stuff, right? Crazy stupid stuff. Gotta be a meme. Tumblr's really going for it, I think. Alright.

Anyway, Elon Musk comes up in a Discord GC one day, and my friends are talking about him like he's a real person, and I just said:

Hold on. I thought he was a meme.

Chat, of course, is silent for a drastically embarrassing amount of time, and then explodes.

And that's how I learned, in front of a bunch of friends, that Elon Musk was NOT a tumblr meme character, but a real-life idiot doing real-life crazy ass shit. It took me a humiliatingly-ass time to realize it, and I DO still get Sevdragged about it to this very day.

tl;dr due to my head-in-the-sand tendencies and my love of Tumblr, unlike the rest of you, I had a blissful period in my life where Elon Musk was completely made-up.

I wish that were still true.

[paris-geller-was-straightwashed]

'that adhd feel of-' 'adhd is not being able to' 'adhd is when you forget-' you're describing executive dysfunction. that's...it's executive dysfunction. like I NEED you to understand this.

I don't think this is purposefully malicious but jesus fucking christ it's no wonder the ~neurodiverse~ community on here can feel super alienating. I'd fucking eat own shoe if any so-called 'neurospicy' (derogatory) blogs can name EVEN ONE other condition then either adhd or autism as part of neurodiversity. ppl think it starts and ends there - and what I find the most infuriating, is that one of the most common symptoms when it comes to diverse brains (aka executive dysfunction) is talked about like it's SOLELY for adhd.

look. I got dyspraxia and ocd - two things considered a part of the neurodiverse umbrella. I also have learning disabilities that have affected my whole school life, and memory issues that I've been explaining to people as to why I've already forgotten their name since I was a kid. YET, ocd is rarely talked about in neurodiverse circles or even considered, and I'll literally pay two bucks to anyone reading this who can tell me what dyspraxia is (who isn't a professional or someone who has it, and if you do have dyspraxia, then I am giving you a cookie and fist bump). yet often, when I see posts passed around talking about issues like poor motivation or time blindness or bad memory, I find a lot to relate to - bc executive dysfunction, in case anyone missed it, affects many, many conditions! you don't even have to be neurodiverse; it's known to affect those with anxiety and depression too! there's so much layover - yet, I will see, inevitably, the post attributed to adhd or possibly asd. frankly, it's both alienating to those with other neurodiverse conditions, and possibly misleading, even if unintentional, to say it's an 'adhd thing.' you guys run the market and it's over-saturated; I'm just asking for adhd/asd to share a piece of it's throne.

to be honest, as what's considered a 'neurodiverse person', I barely find any commonality within the community. yes, as mentioned above, I will relate to common shared symptoms like executive dysfunction, but it's a complete shut-out when we act like those symptoms are only attributed to one condition. frankly with my ocd, I find way more commonality in schizophrenia/paranoia/psychosis communities then in the ND one (I would never act or say I know what it's like to experience those conditions, but I can relate to the fear of some outside force telling you something horrible is going to/will happen), and with dyspraxia, even when we talk about it, it gets so little coverage and recognition it leaves the whole community a bit dry. if anyone gives a shit, then maybe shine the light on us and others kicked to the sides (ppl with learning disabilities, dysgraphia, language disorders, and those with schizophrenia/affective disorders like I mentioned earlier, who are so often vilified by ppl online and on this site). we all struggle with executive dysfunction and a million other layover symptoms, and the nerotypical world is just as hard for us to navigate even if no one is bothering to listen.

I'm rambling at this point. everyone just..do better and actually recognize the 'diversity' in 'neurodiverse.'

[yuurivoice]

Laying in bed having a think.

As I try and tackle three intertwined (four? fuck) narrative stories more meticulously than I've crafted any of my narratives thus far, I find myself making several realizations.

BitterSweet is a product of me being at several mental low points but failing upwards. BitterSweet wasn't even intended to be a real narrative, but rather an introduction to Seth then sort of a choose you own adventure, listen to either "path" type thing. When the story revealed itself to me it was very exciting, but I was just going episode to episode and seeing where I'd end up.

Chapter 2 had more planning, a pretty defined outline, and was executed just about to perfection. I think 2 is probably the strongest in terms of knowing wtf was going on and seeing it through.

Chapter 3 is one I feel deeply conflicted about. Plans had to change on the fly multiple times. The scale got out of hand. I was on the struggle bus and only managed to write an episode two at once. It was a mess. We hit some high marks, and some of my favorite performances are in there, but there's this dark cloud over it for me. It's a shame, but it got done.

I can see really clearly how my struggle with my mental health, ADHD, etc. played significant roles in hindering me. So on one hand, I'm thrilled that I was able to make something cool that so many people appreciate and enjoy despite how challenging it was. On the other hand...there's a lot I wish could have been different.

Those wishes have informed many of the choices I'm making now as I tackle Shattered and Echoes, as well as BitterSweet and the unnamed thing. I'm not hitting the big red launch button until it is complete. I've never done that. But I want my writing to be tighter and more cohesive. I'm lucky that making shit up as I went and hitting the broader strokes I knew were there worked out as well as it did, but also I've tripped over myself a time or two.

As ambitious as I'm trying to be with weaving these stories, I want to make sure that when you step back and look at the big picture, it makes sense, but is also really fucking dope.

That's my hope.

This next batch of work is going to be special for me. I'm in my medicated era, but I'm working with a lot of the bones put in place by a version of me that was operating well below capacity.

Reading those first drafts I wrote last year was humbling. God they were bad. Frustratingly so because when I took a hammer to it, what I cooked up in significantly less time on the second draft was so much better than what felt like I had to pull teeth to accomplish before.

I try and tell myself not to look at all of my work through that lens of "I could have done so much better" but it's frustrating. I've gotta cook with the groceries that version of me brought home lol.

It boils down to this. When these next projects launch and the dust settles, I don't want to be glad it's over. When I finished BS3, I breathed a sigh of relief because it felt like I just got out of a year long brawl.

When I finish these projects, I want to be proud. I think that's the conclusion I reached. I was not proud of my work, because it was tainted with compromise and frustration that outside factors fucked with several aspects of it.

So I'm trying to prove to myself that I can do better than that. For myself. I've shaken off the frustration that I'm an entire year behind schedule. I've committed myself to completing it all before it sees the light of day. I've streamlined the process. I really tried to set myself up for success.

When I was struggling I'd cut every corner, I'd phone it in, I'd toss out ambitious ideas for the sake of just being able to call it done.

There's a lot less of that happening now. I'm able to at least try and hold myself to something resembling a standard. Now I just hope I can execute.

Thanks for reading. Sorry about all of whatever that was.

[bitchesgetriches]

Hi! I have a question that has been really weighing me down

Is there any way to get fees waived on late payments?

Example: I live in a state with a lot of tolls. I don’t have ezpass and have to pay at the toll. They also have an option where if you dont have cash you can get a ticket to pay online later.

However, the ticket takes 24 hours to activate and once activated is only available for 5 days. I have AuDHD and I constantly forget to go back and pay the tickets.

I now have over $1000 in ‘violations’ even though the total amount of the tolls I have neglected to pay is well under $50. If I could just pay the original amount I owed, I would be able to easily. But they throw $50 fines on $2 or less tolls and I cannot afford to pay all the fines.

If I leave this unpaid will this negatively affect my credit score? Is my car at risk of being repossessed? Please help, I’m so scared

Honey, that is some predatory nonsense. Sounds literally like highway robbery!

I think you need to invest in an EZ Pass or some other way to automatically pay the tolls. Because it's going to save you money in the long term.

Next, you need to call the toll company and work out a payment plan. As with most late bills, the company would rather get paid SOMETHING rather than nothing at all. You should ask them if they can waive all or most of the fees (literally just ask--this works about half the time I've ever asked on late fees and overdraft fees). Offer to pay something up-front to show a good faith effort in sticking to a payment plan.

While they can't repossess your car for late fees, this can and will damage your credit score if they report you to collections. So you want to get ahead of the situation before it gets to that point.

Lastly, let's look at the root of the problem: Your ADHD. It is literally costing you money, and I bet it's not just through these late fees. Talk to a therapist or an ADHD support group about how to set up systems for managing your ADHD symptoms so that they won't lead you into financial trouble again. Here's more advice:

How Mental Health Affects Your Finances

My 25 Secrets to Successfully Working from Home with ADHD 

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[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for deleting an unused group chat?

So this girl at my school (we'll call her Lara) was in a d&d group chat and runs a d&d club at school, with this boy (who we'll call Freddie), but I owned the group chat, which I saw had been inactive aside from Freddie spamming on any random day for months on end, so I removed everyone,left and then deleted it, thinking that, at worst, Freddie would notice and create a new group chat. No.

The following text conversation between me and Lara follows:

Lara: Why did you removes us all from the group chat?

Me: Because it was abandoned anyway so I just got rid of it? The only one who used it was Freddie and that was only to troll so I just got rid of it

Lara: Yh but we are using it for d&d? We still do it every Thursday yk

Me: No one had said anything for a month until Tuesday, and Freddie only use it to troll, you're making a big deal out of nothing.

Me: And I've got a party anyway.

Lara: Ok Jesus Christ , you really need to calm down and stop being so petty we still use that group chat for our campaign and you just deleted it for no reason. You could have just let us know before hand instead of deleting on a whim. Also, I know it doesn’t excuse it but Freddie literally has autism and ADHD and telling crappy jokes and sending memes equivalent to YouTube short memes are his way of expressing himself especially in that group chat where he is able to do that in a friendly environment.

Me: No messages for a month. Litterally none. And I know he has autism and ADHD, but seriously, you're accusing me of being insensitive because I deleted a GC that was litterally only used for spam, when it's easy to forget that he does that because of autism and ADHD. I litterally just see him as a person, not a 'person with ADHD and autism'. I have also stated my reasons. You didn't actually need to message me about this, you could have just made the new GC and move on, but you were the one who decided to be petty, I just decided to get rid of a GC that I saw as unused.

Lara: Whatever helps you sleep at night, if you deleted to be petty or not it was still frustrating to delete us when it’s was a community group chat

Me: No longer used, as I have said before. I thought no one would even notice because no one had messaged it for months aside from Oli. As I've said, it's not a big deal, you didn't have to start all of this, and what would I have to be petty about anyway?

Lara: The fact that Freddie kicked u out from our d&d sessions but hey I, guess you did it spontaneously then 🤷‍♀️

Lara: Sometimes you are a very petty little thing [anon]🤷‍♀️

Me: Bro he did? I didn't know or care lmao

Lara: mkay 👍

Am I the asshole in this situation?

What are these acronyms?