#it's just like... that slight dissociation while WANTING to be in reality i guess???

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

the running theme/repeating gag of people either thinking Carmy is the one who killed himself or comments being made along those lines, while at the same time everything he does is desperately, relentlessly fighting for life

[mcyt-amber-tftsmp]

𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐅𝐚𝐮𝐥𝐭... 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧'𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟... {𝐑𝐚𝐧𝐛𝐨𝐛 𝐱 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫}

Request?: HeartsYeallow

Character: Ranbob

Side Character(s): Basically the rest of The Lost City of Mizu cast

Story-type: Starts out platonic but it's mainly Angst and a bit of fluff Romance but not too much

Story Length: 3455 words

AU or Not: AU of sorts but Ranbob being in his enderwalk when he went full-murder on the fishermen

Time Period: Future basically

Plot Summary: It the incident where Ranbob killed the fisher men but Y/n tagged along while the four were mostly exploring Y/n actually got to know Ranbob a bit then when Y/n saw he killed Cletus I believe she came to be uh scared but still knows hes not doing it and such, anyway time skip when its just Isaac, Charles and Y/n are the only one left alive and Ranbob trapped them but Y/n rushed her self to Ranbob and snapped him out of his murderous mind— and saving the others and she told the two to go ahead and leave Mizu and she'll catch up with and she talked to him and comforted him in a way

Small Info: Ranbob has the enderstate where he does things he doesn't know he does like the murders- and he didn't open up with anybody til Y/n come and her friends came to mizu also Y/N is like Isaac's little sister who's younger by two years with Isaac being 22 years old and everything else

Keywords:

Y/N = Your Name

Trigger Warning:

- Burning To Death Twice - Slight Blood - Small Panic Attack - Repeated Words - Mentions Of Death

Normal Warning: Cringey as heck-

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Y/N's Point of View~

The only thing I could see outside while walking around the place was just water and the aquatic life going on with it's lives in water. Now people might be wondering, where the heck am I exactly? Well you see we are currently exploring an underwater city called the City of Mizu which happens to be the Underwater City of Beauty and they got the beauty part pretty much right!

Basically what happened is that my older brother, Isaac took me with his three friends to wherever they usually go until I found this book lying on the ground which talked about Mizu. So we basically decided to go over to explore the area and while doing so we met an enderman hybrid named Ranbob.

From what I know about him is that he's pretty socially awkward considering when he met us he was a bit nervous when he introduced himself and Cletus was practically making him uncomfortable by sniffing him or doing something which was annoying him. I would sometimes yell at Cletus to stop it saying that he's making him uncomfortable.

I mostly tagged along with Ranbob while Isaac, Cletus, Charles and Benji were exploring and walking around the place. I was able to get to know him a bit more which actually helped him talk to me freely without getting nervous or something.

He was actually a really nice guy even if he looked pretty intimidating and all. What I liked most was his heterochromatic eyes which on his right side was yellow and on the other it was purple. He was also pretty tall and handsome- okay moving on!

Yeah I may or may not have somehow fallen in love with him too. I don't know what it is but I guess I could say it was just us basically having a conversation together and getting to know each other so well and maybe it's his voice cause it's pretty calming and I like it. His voice is something I could fall asleep to if I wanted.

Right now we were just walking around in the library. My brother and his friends ran off somewhere looking through somethings while i was looking through names of books trying to see which one I could read and that was when a certain book caught my eye.

The cover of the book was black and it look slightly dusty like it hasn't ever been touched by anyone. I slowly took the book out of the shelf carefully so as to not accidentally make the other books drop from the shelf. I then dusted away the small dust particles as I looked at the book.

"The Enderstate?" I said in a small questioning and confused tone.

"I see you found this book." I heard a voice behind me which made me slightly jump as I looked to see it was Ranbob as I left out a huge sigh of relief.

"Oh it's just you and I did I guess? Do you know what's it about?" I asked as he stayed silent for a bit before he spoke.

"Well... How do I put this into words?" He said while looking pretty hesitant.

"The Enderstate or Enderwalk is similar to sleepwalking or dissociation, where endermen hybrids like me have little awareness of surroundings, and it may last for hours at a time. You could say that... we do things we don't intend on doing at times and we don't have control of ourselves in the process. You would have to knock or slap them back to reality... if it's possible." He said explaining as I listened though I did notice the slight nervousness in his voice which I shook off thinking it was nothing.

It was something pretty interesting to know considering I have never known about this. I eventually put the book back in its place as Ranbob continued with the tour. Later Isaac found small lever key which lead to a tree dome.

Isaac handed the key to Ranbob who led us down the hallway to a closed room. I saw Ranbob place the lever key in its place as he pulled it down as the door slowly opened to reveal a glass dome which consisted of a huge tree in the middle.

I stood awed as I looked at the tree. It was really beautiful. Isaac and his friends were just looking around the place as I stood in place but after a while I realized that Ranbob was nowhere near me. I didn't even know where and when he ran off.

I snapped back from my thoughts when I heard my brother yell as he pointed towards the tree saying that there is a chest on top of it. We were all trying to figure out on who would climb the tree to get the chest. We then decided that Cletus should go over to retrieve whatever was inside the chest.

As Cletus was about to go up, I heard Benji say something which made Cletus come back as they argued and Charles was trying to calm them down. I then heard Isaac say if I had seen Ranbob in which I shook my head since I had no clue where he was.

Then after a few minutes Cletus reached the semi-top of the tree saying he found the chest as he slowly opened it. Isaac asked what it said in their but then something caught my eye. I thought it was nothing but then I heard a voice which I recognized very well.

"People don't live after coming here. They die." I heard Ranbob said as he jumped down from God knows where as I noticed the fire on top of the tree.

"Is it on fire?!" I heard Isaac exclaim looking at the tree and looked at Cletus who was cornered at the edge of the tree.

Charles and Benji were telling Cletus to drop the book and to jump down but then I saw how Cletus was set on fire as Ranbob then pushed him back only for Cletus to fall to his death. I stood stunned and scared as I looked at Ranbob with fear but then I realized something.

What if he was in the enderstate? He wouldn't do this in general, right?! I had so many thoughts running through my mind but it was interrupted as Isaac grabbed my arm and ran out of the room. I was about to say something but he already pulled down the lever to trap Ranbob in the tree room.

Isaac read the book as he led us down to wherever we are supposed to go. After a few, we came to a room which had lava but there was something on top of the wall. Benji said that he would be the one to retrieve what was inside the chest as he jumped on the stone platforms as he slowly parkoured his way there.

I was too scared to look considering he was taking a huge risk parkouring over the platforms and if he accidentally missteps he will fall and burn in lava. I looked over at him to see he was doing fine and he was just two steps away from reaching the place.

But I may have spoken too soon cause I don't know what happened but Benji somehow tripped over the last step and fell towards the flowing hot lava. I saw Isaac running after him as he reached out a hand but it was too late. I choked back tears as I saw witnessed Benji burning to death. There was nothing we could do.

Then I saw Isaac give his books and other things he had to Charles saying that he was going to get to the top to retrieve the item in the chest. I widened my eyes. I couldn't lose him. He was the only family I had after our parents died.

"Isaac no! Please I can't lose you!" I said as Isaac gave me a hug.

"I will be okay just hold on for me okay. I promise." he said letting go as he took a deep breath and jumped onto the first platform.

I was shaking as he slowly parkoured over to the platforms. He looked pretty hesitant and scared knowing one wrong step and he will die. By the time I knew it he took the last step and reached the chest. I saw him take out something from the chest which looked like a lever key.

Isaac was saying that it was the final room key which could help us escape. Then he said that he was going to jump down from the slightly huge height as Charles said he would catch him. he took a deep breath as he jumped down and somewhat landed in Charles' arms as he fell backwards.

"Are you okay?" I asked as Isaac stood up only to slightly limp as I looked over at his foot to see that it was slightly bleeding.

"Not really but I will be fine. Are you alright Charles?" He asked looking over at the younger boy who nodded.

"Yeah just a little hurt in the head but overall okay." He said as he gave back Isaac's things as Isaac led us to the new room.

Isaac put the lever in it's place but stepped back a bit. I looked over to see he was looking really light headed as I helped him breathe as Charles helped. I could imagine that was very scary and the fact that we saw both our friends burn to death.

But I was still thinking if Ranbob was in his enderstate cause I don't think he would do something like this. Isaac told Charles to flip the switch but he then suddenly interrupted him form doing so as he said somethings.

"Okay I don't know what is in there but no matter what? We are gonna make it... For Cletus and Benji okay?" He said as Charles and I nodded.

Isaac then pulled down the lever as we entered the final room. The room was very unusual considering the amount of diamond armor was lined up on both sides of the walls along with diamond swords placed behind them.

The room was also decorated with green pillars and obsidian like walls. There were a few barrels and chests placed on the sides but they were all empty according to Isaac. Then he went over towards the white tiled steps which led to a glass window. I followed behind him to see what it was.

Behind the glass room was a marble statue of a man who wore armor and had a sword hung from the sides. The armor design was slightly hidden by the cape and he happened to wear a white mask. Charles then came up behind us to see what we were looking at.

"What the heck is that?!" He said as he looked at the statue.

"What is this...?" Isaac said looking at it.

"That is the weirdest thing I have ever seen..." Charles said.

"Looks like a cave." Isaac said as he looked over at a small opening from across the room which was definitely an exit.

I then heard small footsteps as I looked behind me to see Ranbob coming over with a netherite sword in his hands and he looked slightly dazed but I don't think anyone noticed that. I started to think this was something to do with the enderwalk state.

I looked over to see Isaac and Charles panicking like mad saying things about how he killed Cletus and all the other things that have happened recently. I seriously just stood and watched in shock.

"Everyone here had an idol that they worshipped. That's why the rooms were all themed like one of the idols from the past." He said stopping for a bit as Isaac spoke.

"Is yours Ranboo-" He was saying until he got interrupted.

"And mine was Dream!" He said I looked at him and then back at the window to look at the statue.

"Is that this man?" Isaac said coming towards the glass gesturing towards the statue as I noticed Ranbob coming towards us.

"Yes. Like I said nobody-" Ranbob responded in a monotone voice but was interrupted.

"Was Dream a good man?" Isaac asked slightly scared as he held onto my arm as Ranbob paused taking in his question.

"Yes yes he was a very good man..." He said as Isaac broke the glass as he stepped dragging me with him as he slowly let go but made sure I was near him.

"... Depending on what you think good is..." he said as Charles came in the room backing away from Ranbob who slowly came behind him.

"Nobody- nobody leaves here..." He said as I saw him coming slowly towards Charles.

"What do you mean nobody leaves here...?" he said as I saw Ranbob raising his sword and was about to strike Charles.

I couldn't let this happen so I broke into a sprint as I pushed Charles out of the way. I heard Isaac scream my name as I looked to see the sword about to hit me but I was quick enough to stop him as I grabbed him by the wrist with both my hands to stop him from hitting me but he was pushing back with a greater strength.

"Are you seriously asking for a death wish Y/N?! If so then that's what you will be getting." I heard Ranbob say as I felt my right arm burn in pain as I saw five claw marks as blood started to pool out from the freshly cut skin. I yelped in pain as tears welled up in my eyes but that didn't stop me.

"N-No... But I know the real Ranbob won't do this! Wake up! Just f***ing wake up Ranbob!" I yelled at him as tears streamed down my face as I made out the shocked expression on Ranbob's face.

I quickly kicked him on the knees with my foot as he lost his balance and that gave me the chance to punch him in the jaw as he fell to the ground slightly hitting his head first. I was at this point panting and breathing too hard. I thought I was going to die.

I looked over at Charles and Isaac who were shocked and confused. Then I looked at the sword as I kicked it out of sight. Then I heard a small groan as I looked over to see Ranbob slowly sitting up as he rubbed the side of his head with his right hand.

"W-what happened? Where-" He stopped himself as he had a look of realization as he noticed the netherite sword on the side and the fresh claw marks on front arm.

"D-did I-I... What did I do...?" He said looking pretty scared.

"What do you mean 'what did I do'?! You literally killed Cletus and nearly killed-" I heard Isaac yell as I stopped him.

"Isaac stop! He was enderwalking! He wasn't in control of himself and didn't know what he was doing!" I yelled back which made him stop as he in shock.

Then I heard heavy breathing beside me to see Ranbob looking down on his knees while his hands were over on the side of his head. He looked like he was having a panic attack and this made me worried.

"No no no no no no no. Not again not again not again. Please no I can't..." I heard him whisper repeatedly as he was in tears.

I looked over at Charles and Isaac who seemed to look at him in slight pity and worry. I knelt down to Ranbob's level as I put a gentle hand on his left hand hoping it would clam him down. I then looked at the two.

"Isaac? Take Charles with you and go ahead. I will catch up to you guys later." I said and I could tell Isaac was going to protest but Charles put a hand on Isaac's shoulder as he stopped and went over leaving both me and Ranbob alone in the room.

"Ranbob? Please look at me..." I said as he was still in tears as he slowly looked up but didn't make eye contact with me. He looked so broken that it made me want to cry.

"Ranbob calm down... it's alright." I said trying to reassure him but it seemed to make him upset.

"How is this okay Y/N?! I killed one of your brother's friend and the other died trying to help you guys get out and I nearly killed Isaac and Charles in here! I hurt you and nearly killed you!" He yelled out in frustration as he broke down in tears again.

I gave him a huge hug as he wasted no time to hug me back as he buried his head in my shoulder as i could feel it getting wet due to his tears. How long has this been happening? Was this the reason he was very nervous when he met us? He was scared that he would kill us.

"It's not your fault... You weren't in control of yourself..." I said as I could feel him lift his head as he looked at me.

"How can it not be my fault when I hurt and nearly killed the one girl I loved the most!?" He exclaimed as I looked at him shocked after hearing what he said.

He... loved me...? I didn't know what to say other than blush at his words. I looked at him to see his head down as he was scared to look at me thinking I was not going to return my feelings. I understood why he might be thinking this considering the things he has done. I hugged him back as he flinched at my sudden action.

"It's okay Ranbob... I love you too. It's okay." I said and I could tell he was in shock from my response not even expecting it.

He then slowly pushed me away form the hug as he made him face me and then he slowly leaned as he connected his lips with mine, kissing me. I slowly kissed back as I used my hands to slowly move away the tears from his face.

We gradually pulled away as he gently pressed his head against mine while I had my hand on the side of his head. I hated seeing anyone sad especially Ranbob. We sat in silence as we stayed in the same position.

"Please don't leave me..." I heard him choke out as I let out a small sigh.

"I promise i won't... I will always come back to you..." I said closing my eyes as we continued to stay the way we were.

"Things will get better for you Ranbob." I finished saying.

I prayed things would get better. I know they would!

I believe in him.

I love him so much for this.

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[sp-ud]

Waking Up

AO3 Link

Inspired by this post: Link

And my own post about this concept: Link

Content Warnings: Panic Attacks, Memory Loss

Words: 1817

Ranboo suddenly finds himself back in reality with his hands in the middle of braiding his own hair. Not the worst thing he’s woken up to after Enderwalking. He lets out a sigh as he continues braiding his hair, eyes drifting towards the ceiling as he reflects on what he can remember doing while Enderwalking.

Wuh oh.

---

This is basically me sharing my theories about Enderwalking in fic format. That's kinda it. I took my theories, and wrote em as a fic.

I also posted this at 3am which is why it took me till 2pm to make a proper Tumblr post about it.

Ranboo suddenly finds himself back in reality with his hands in the middle of braiding his own hair. Not the worst thing he’s woken up to after Enderwalking. He lets out a sigh as he continues braiding his hair, eyes drifting towards the ceiling as he reflects on what he can remember doing while Enderwalking.

Wuh oh.

Quickly tying off the braid he grabs the memory book. Reading through page 13 again. “New table”? Axe feeling lighter? Eye inside a block? Eye that looks his? Now, Ranboo might not know a lot about his Enderman heritage, but he knows a portal when he's described one.

Lightly smacking his face, Ranboo tries to shift through the foggy memories he always has after Enderwalking. Memories where he feels like a passenger, not the one experiencing it. He… he was mining. Just chatting with those particles of his, when he came across an exposed stronghold. He went to investigate… finding the portal but not recognizing it in his Enderwalk state.

Ranboo starts to head downstairs as he digs through his memories more, he’d… he’d realized the portal would probably help with the experiments he did while Enderwalking but had left to build a lab another day.

… Has he already built the lab? Yes, he has. Replacing the stone walls with iron and setting up what he’d discovered as ‘the solution’ to Enderwalking. Without having to remember, Ranboo can already tell he hadn’t gone through with it while Enderwalking. Otherwise, he would have woken up in the lab. Or in his bed from respawning, after all, his Enderwalking self didn’t seem to realize some of the multiple flaws in his solution.

But Ranboo is too scared to correct his Enderwalking self. It’s already taken him ages to convince his Enderwalking self that he isn’t some evil dissociative state that committed war crimes he can’t remember. He doesn’t want to imagine how it’d go over trying to inform his Enderwalking state he has it backward.

Sliding down into his basement he quickly mines through the wall to get the experiment log he's written in Ender. Flipping all the way to the last page where he’s written the solution. He pulls out a pen from his pocket and holds it hesitantly over the page.

He knows how he is when Enderwalking. A paranoid anxious mess with less than half of his memory. If he sees this when Enderwalking, he’d freak out, he’d get suspicious, and then probably do it anyways.

Reluctantly, he hides the experiment log back away, sealing it back behind stone bricks. He has to tell someone he both trusts out of Enderwalk, and in Enderwalk.

Which is admittedly a short list of people. Phil would be good, but the old man would likely ask too many questions he doesn't know how to answer. Techno, while also a good option, is also currently hibernating. And would likely pass the message onto Phil.

Niki would be an option if the two crossed paths more often, and Tommy has so many issues of his own right now, he doesn't need Ranboo's. The particles, while well meaning, are honestly more of a nuisance who would likely just increase any suspicion.

Which only really leaves one other person, Tubbo. Who, while Ranboo loves his husband, still isn't the perfect option for this, is the best he honestly has.

Someone he trusts, who will listen, who will understand, and who'll actually be able to help. The only issue is Tubbo himself might want to experiment, Ranboo personally still is a little salty over the whole electric chair thing. But hopefully the moobloom-hybrid wilk put aside his scientific interests for the sake of Ranboo's wellbeing.

Not wanting to waste any more precious time he has before falling back into Enderwalk, Ranboo leaves his house as fast as he can after quickly snapping on his armor.

The journey to Snowchester is quick, one he likes to thinks he'd still know even if he had no memories. By the time the water tunnel has shot him back out, it feels like barely a minute has passed since he woke up.

Letting his enchanted armor drip off the water, Ranboo quickly starts towards the mansion where, if his memory serves him right, should be where Tubbo is currently.

"TUBBO!" He shouts as soon as he enters the mansion, yelling being the most efficient way to locate someone in the massive building. His long ears strain themselves to listen for a shout back.

"I'M IN THE UPSTAIRS GUEST ROOMS!" The ender-hybrid hears distantly, darting up the stairs as fast as he can. "THE ONES NEAR OUR ROOM!" Tubbo shouts once more, Ranboo quickly taking a left.

He almost bumps into Tubbo as the moobloom-hybird steps out into the hallway. Luckily scrambling to a stop just before bowling the smaller teen over. He rests a hand against the wall, somewhat hunching over as he tries to catch his breath.

"You good bossman? Something wrong?" Tubbo asks, taking a small step towards Ranboo. The taller huffs a few more breaths before holding his other hand up to tell Tubbo to wait a second.

"It's…" he starts, before taking a deep breath and straightening up, "It's… oh God, I was so focused on getting here quickly that um, didn't really think through how to explain this all…" his tail flicks restlessly behind him.

Tubbo hums to himself for a second, "This is a sit-down kind of thing, isn't it?" Ranboo gives a small nod, "Good thing I just set up yet another 'sitting area earlier today, come on," the brunette grabs Ranboo's hand and gently drags him further down the hallway before opening a door with dramatic flourish.

It's another room consisting of multiple sofas and chairs around a coffee table. The amount of rooms they have that look like this is honestly concerning, but at least Tubbo has enough eye for design that they all are clearly different. Much less confusing than the identical empty rooms Foolish left them with.

Ranboo all but collapses onto one of the couches, Tubbo taking a seat across from him. The brunette's mouth is twisting in worry, nose scrunching up as watches Ranboo through messy bangs.

"Okay," a sigh escapes the ender-hybrid, "I, I guess the best place to start would be… explaining my… condition?" He still isn't sure what the right term for Enderwalking is as there's next to no public documents on the topic. "So, you know how I have bad memory?"

A slight snort before a nod tell Ranboo to continue, "Well that's, that's just one symptom of my, condition. The Enderwalk. It's genetic, I'm pretty sure. There's uh, not much known about it," Ranboo starts messing with the furred tip of his tail, "But it's basically a, a state I go into? I guess? And it…" he trails off.

How does he explain to his best friend, his husband, that the 'him' he always interacts with isn't 100% 'him'. His mouth hangs open before snapping shut, shaking his head a little. Tubbo won't hate him for something out of his control, Tubbo is reasonable, he's smart, he's a good person.

Another glance at Tubbo shows that the moobloom-hybrid now has a serious look on his face, leaning forward, waiting for Ranboo to continue.

"It doesn't just affect my memory. It, it can affect my judgment, my reasoning. And it worsens with age," Ranboo focuses his gaze back down to his tail flicking in his own grasp, "and, don't get me wrong, I'm still me when Enderwalking I'm just…" he loses his words again. Letting a silence fall over the room.

"Okay," Ranboo looks up. Tubbo has a hand to his chin in thought. "okay, I get what you're saying. Plenty of species have illnesses like that," the ender-hybrid nods, "and I'm glad you told me but, why now?" A hint of light blue eyes peer through messy bangs, "did something happen?"

"More like… something's been happening but it's, it's close to becoming worse." He shifts on the couch, once again struggling to find the right words, "I'm Enderwalking all the time… I'd say that you uh, you probably see me Enderwalking more than you see me normally," he pauses to swallow. "When Enderwalking I, I dont realize I'm Enderwalking," a humorless laugh escapes him. "I don't even have half of my memories then. I managed to forget what Enderwalking even is! And somehow," his voice is starting to go static with anger, "I managed to come up with the name again, while Enderwalking, to explain my normal state!"

He hunches over, burying his head between his knees as he lets out static-filled laughs. His ears no longer hearing anything other than a growing buzz. Hands gripping and twisting his hair as his laughs start to devolve into something more like sobs.

A light weight settles over his shoulders and back, hands slowly unclenching his hair to drift down to wrap the blanket around himself. He feels a head rest itself on his shoulders, following the deep breaths he can feel carefully. His tail loosely wraps around a waist before small hooved finger tips start bruising through it.

"Sorry," he mutters. Tubbo hums, leaning his head more onto Ranboo's shoulder.

"Nothing to be sorry about, it sounds like… a lot," Tubbo says back, "You sure you want to talk about this now big man?"

The ender-hybrid nods, tilting his head to somewhat rest on top of Tubbo's, the smaller's dull horns pressing into his face. "I don't know when I'll start Enderwalking again, I have to tell you now before I forget again."

"As long as you're sure," Tubbo replies with a shrug, but Ranboo can still hear the concern under the layer of dismissiveness.

"When Enderwalking I've, starting to experiment on myself. It's progressively gotten more… intense, to put it simply. My Enderwalking self thinks he's found a solution, to stop from 'Enderwalking' but," Ranboo pulls back, doing his best to make direct eye contact with Tubbo, "the 'solution'? It's, I know what it's going to do! It will just make the Enderwalk worse. I'll probably be down to only a quarter of my memories! I might even, even lose a life."

Ranboo's eyes loss focus as his panic starts to build before he feels Tubbo's dull horns pressing into his chest and arms wrapping him in a loose hug.

"That's what you wanted to tell me, right?" Tubbo sighs, "you want me to make sure that you don't go through with it while Enderwalking?" Ranboo lets out what's supposed to be a hum that ends up sounding more like a buzz in response.

"Don't worry bossman, you can count on me," Tubbo tightens his hug and Ranboo can slowly feel the fog that comes with Enderwalking creep in.

"I know, I always know," he responds, before letting himself drift into the fog.

[dudeandduchess]

Seduce Me: Meeting You (Kyōjurō x F!S/O, AV Actor AU, NSFW Scenario)

Summary: Kyōjurō is one of the biggest porn actors in the industry, while (Y/n) is an established blogger who’s out to write more sexy articles for women like herself. She’s just there for research, and Kyō dismisses her at first until he sees how intense and needy she looks while watching his scene. And he’s just so enamored by her that he starts looking forward to her set visits; until one day he gives in and kisses her... Note: Y’all bbys liked the thirsty ask I did on this so here y’all go. Enjoy!!!! 😂🍉🍉🍉  Chapter: 1/4 Word Count: 2,300

***

Warnings: Smut, Adult Themes, Language, Daddy Kink, Lust at First Sight

The telltale sound of skin smacking against skin reverberated within the spacious room that (Y/n) entered. With her phone clutched in her hands, and her thumbs typing at close to lightning speed, all while surveying her surroundings as best as she could.

She took note of the number of the people on the production team, including the director and set writer; merely jotting them down on her notes app as her guide made a path for her to get near to where all the action was happening.

(Y/n) had been to many exotic and exciting places in her life, but none of them had ever been at a porn set while in the middle of filming a scene. She wasn’t jaded enough to have renounced watching porn; she still watched it, just not as much as she used to— preferring to just focus on her career as a blogger, instead of trying to fulfill needs that she was sure wouldn’t even be sated.

Masturbating was fun and all, but it left an empty feeling inside her; unfulfilled, in a way, no matter how intense the climax.

There was just something about cumming due to a real-life partner— a real-life cock— that was way more satisfying than either her fingers or a dildo.

“You look so pretty around my cock, sweetheart,” A gruff and slightly winded voice echoed in the room, which was followed by the conscious movement of the camera men, as well as the sound operators.

The voice was sexy in its own right but when (Y/n) looked up from her phone to look at who the owner was, she felt her saliva pool into her mouth at the sight that was before her; as it was of the enigmatic blond that she had seen in the hallway earlier— way before filming had started, and way before she had known that he would be the one whose scenes she would be observing for that day…

As well as the next few days.

Sweat glistened off his skin in tiny— and really sexy— rivulets; even with the cameras zooming in on him, and the shutters of professional cameras clicking incessantly around him, his gaze never wavered from the woman beneath him.

His name, if she remembered correctly, was Rengoku Kyōjurō.

She had thought that her uncle would only set her up with a low-brow actor at the studio he worked at; not one of the more well-known names in the industry.

So, it was safe to say that she had to have a minute to herself in the women’s bathroom— if only to compose herself and tell her not to mess anything up while observing him.

It wasn’t that she was a fan of his, but anyone would be nervous around what was essentially a celebrity. Especially since she wanted to leave a good impression on him, if she wanted to be invited back to the studio— or just any of the other pornography circles in Tokyo.

She needed all the resources she could to run her blog; and certainly having herself in his good graces would help further her own agenda.

Her goal was extremely clear to her, to the point where it was all she could think about while writing down the outline of the article on her phone… but, right where she was, she found that she couldn’t look away from the way that his muscles moved with every thrust of his cock inside his co-star.

The girl keened in pleasure— sounding a tad too fake for (Y/n)’s liking— then pulled Kyōjurō down for a kiss. And, she had to admit, that it was the hottest kiss that she had seen in her life— both in real time, and in movies; because it was as if he was consuming his partner’s entirety and playing with it like how he played with her tongue.

And when he pulled away with a playful bite at the woman’s bottom lip, she couldn’t help the tiny gasp that escaped her lips. Immediately, however, she bit down on her bottom lip and forced herself back to typing her observations about the set— trying to drown out the slight warmth that had started to pool between her thighs.

However, the more that she typed, the more that she heard the woman’s voice ringing in the room— starting to get even more breathless with every resounding slap of skin against skin that echoed within the room. And, before she could help herself, she was already looking up to see what had caused the sudden increase in the woman’s mewls.

What she saw had more heat pooling between her thighs though, as her eyes took in the sight of the woman cradled in Kyōjurō’s lap— with his cock snug inside her pussy, moving in and out as he bounced her on his erection.

If she were to be completely honest, she would say that she had never seen such a beautiful cock— and such a beautiful man— since that moment. From what she could see (which was more than a lot), he was deliciously thick, with perfectly round and proportioned balls at the base of his dick. He was also a bit on the shorter side compared to other porn stars at around six inches— if she guessed correctly.

But what he lacked in length, he made up for in technique; as evidenced by the way that he would thrust his hips roughly inside his partner, and take a moment to move his cock within her to hit one of her spots, all while skillfully playing with her clit— pinching, strumming, and playfully tugging at it as he rocked her world.

Just the sight of the other woman enjoying herself with such a man had (Y/n) biting back a catty look of jealousy. Because, if it came down to it, she wouldn’t say no to a man like Rengoku Kyōjurō.

(Y/n) squeezed her legs together— if only to alleviate the mild discomfort she felt as she felt herself start to get wet. Her breath had gotten shallower, and her eyes shiftily averted themselves from the scene— only to gravitate back towards the blond man who was peppering his co-star’s neck with open-mouthed kisses.

His eyes had fallen shut, but he looked as if he were savoring the moment even more— which worked immensely for the scene, since it was affectionate and sweet porn that was aimed towards women.

And when Kyōjurō opened his eyes, it was to connect directly with the woman stood near the foot of the bed— well away from the cameras and all the crew trying to make the sham of a scene as romantic as possible, but still close enough to he could see the way that she bit down hard on her bottom lip, as well as the needy look that dimmed her eyes.

He wanted nothing more than to smile at her and give her a flirtatious wink, but he forced himself to get his head back in the scene— mindlessly going with the motions that he and his co-star had read and discussed beforehand.

“I’m so close, sweetheart,” He rasped against her ear, right as he nipped at her earlobe then blew gently on her ear— making her shudder in his arms as she pretended to tense around him as a sign of her oncoming ‘orgasm’.

If he could even call it that, since it was nothing more than an act as she tightened her walls around him to get him to cum already.

Kyōjurō snuck another look at the woman whose heavy stare never left him, almost faltering from his persona in the scene when she reached up to glide the pad of her middle finger against her bottom lip. Meanwhile, the hand that was holding her phone moved to rest across her chest— pushing her breasts up together and exposing a sliver of the lacy cup of her bra.

She looked so desperate and needy for his cock that he was tempted to actually ask her if she wanted a night with him; which wasn’t part of his usual habits. But he would be lying if he didn’t say that the genuinely hot and bothered look that she sported— all because of him— made him crave to touch her even once.

It shouldn’t have made him harder than he was, but it did. And it was obvious in his co-star’s gasp that she had felt his cock twitch inside her. He then closed his eyes once more, dissociating himself from reality as he focused on just cumming— only, his thoughts weren’t filled with some previous co-star giving him some good head.

Instead, it was the face of the unnamed woman whom was watching him fuck another.

In his mind, she was down on her knees— shyly gripping his cock with both hands before licking a tentative stripe up the underside of his erection. And when the vision in his head opened her mouth to take him in, she could only fit the head of his cock in her mouth; out of shyness or just plain hesitation at how thick he was, he didn’t know.

Yet that only had his cock twitching once more; signaling that he was really close to cumming.

The woman in his mind lifted her head up from sucking on the head of his cock, then shot him a pout as she said— in the softest voice that Kyōjurō could imagine, “You’re too big, Daddy.”

At that image, he immediately pulled his cock out of his co-star, screwing his eyes shut even tighter, then began jacking himself off against her pussy as he let out soft moans of pleasure; ones that were more real than he would care to admit. All that played in his head was the unknown woman biting down on her bottom lip as she looked at him much like he had caught her earlier…

Hot, extremely bothered, and desperate for his dick.

His breaths came out in ragged pants, as he shook of the orgasm that had wracked through him— forcing himself to lean up and press a kiss against his co-stars lips to close out the scene.

“And cut!” The director yelled from his perch against the dresser, swinging down the thin script in his right hand as he grinned at Kyōjurō, whom had just opened his eyes and immediately sought out the eyes of the woman whom had unknowingly helped him achieve such a notable orgasm. “Great work as always, Kyōjurō.”

He grinned back at the director in thanks, and helped his co-star climb off his lap before accepting the packet of wet wipes— as well as his heavy burgundy bathrobe— from one of the stagehands. And once he was done cleaning himself off, he looked around the room once more and found the woman right where she was— looking right at him with lust and awe clear on her face.

So, he did the one thing he could and smiled at her, right before giving her a small wave.

In response, her eyes widened considerably, and he felt that she was just about to return his smile— when she was gently tugged away by one of the stagehands that worked for the studio.

“Oh, before you leave, Kyōjurō, I have to introduce you to someone,” the Director announced from across the room, beckoning him to come over to where he was.

The young man looked over his shoulder to check on his co-star, whom had already cleaned off his cum from her stomach and crotch, and was slipping into her own robe.

“Great work today. Thank you!” He bid to the woman, and she briefly shot him a half-smile as she returned his words graciously. But, aside from polite smalltalk, there was nothing else to do there— so he made his way past the camera crew and all of the set crew that milled about the room, to get to the less-crowded space that the Director had called him to.

And, to his genuine (and happy) surprise, the woman in his fantasy was there as well.

“Ah, Kyōjurō, I’d like you to meet my niece (L/n) (Y/n). She was the one I was telling you about; the one who’s going to observe you for the next few days.”

She immediately bowed to him— polite as ever, but with a slight tinge of red coloring her cheeks adorably. He could only smile such a boyish grin at the refreshingly genuine reaction, as he returned her gesture.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Rengoku-san. Please take care of me,” She stated softly, and he had to make a conscious effort to calm his heart down when her voice reached his ears— because it was more captivating than he had imagined her voice to be earlier.

“The pleasure’s all mine, (Y/n)-chan.”

And he would be damned if he didn’t admit just how intensely he felt butterflies flutter around inside his stomach at the very mention of her name. Because, for once in his life, he was genuinely— wholeheartedly— attracted to someone.

||Masterlist||

[pastelchris]

shotgun.

PAIRING: jeon jeongguk x kim taehyung

GENRE: heavy angst.

WARNINGS: major character death, mention of blood, mention of weapons, cursing, mention of wounds and heavy heavy angst.

author’s note: hi!! i’m back with something different this time! i’ll keep it short because it’s almost midnight and i have school tomorrow. i’ve had this story in my notes for years now, it’s one of the first i’ve ever written and today since i didn’t have the strength to write something new, i decided it was time for her to be translated! so here she his, just something i couldn’t stop thinking about after watching not today’s mv for the first time. the pure wave of panic in jeongguk’s eyes when he hears the shotguns and turns around has been in my mind since 2017. said that, i hope you’ll enjoy this as much as i did when i wrote it!

ashes and snow mixed with each other, becoming one, as they slowly fell back on the boy’s pitch black locks and sweat dripping face of jeongguk, hiding behind a car, the rifle well clasped in his hands, ready to be used.

that was going to be the final match,

they had sent him the live coordinates, and the team had immediately left to the suburbs, armed from head to toe, determined to capture once and for all the gang that had been haunting their city for months now.

click.

in the silence of the night, light up only by the moon and the streetlights, as well as the various led lights of the abandoned building, the sound of a weapon being loaded echoed.

jeongguk clawed his ears, indicating the others to follow him, flattening against the vehicle, he begun to walk to the source of noise, stepping out in the parking lot in front of the building, whom was completely empty If not for a single figure, quietly dangling in the middle of nowhere, a gun in his right hand and a red hair band between his ashy blonde hair, locks comfortably falling on his eyes and cheekbones, he looked like the most dangerous of angels.

he had always been like this, as far as jeongguk could recall, his aurea would make the most turn their gazes away, they feared him, and yet were so fascinated by the presence of that tall, beautiful creature, radiating such confidence and power, there were rumors going around the campus that a gaze of his would be enough to light you up and leave nothing but ashes behind his back once he was gone.

as their eyes met, jeongguk felt the ground under his feet almost disappearing;

that look of his had been the cause of his destruction, so deep and expressive, seemed to be constantly staring into his soul.

he saw him grin, perfectly conscious of the positions of his, and jeongguk’s allies.

the dark haired turned around, stumbling into a bundle of pink locks, none other than his first officer and best friend.

« jesus, jimin! » he hissed,

« Quick, go to the other side, we’ll take care of this mess, take seokjin with you, if the situation gets complicated here, come back, if not, stay there, got me? »

jimin nodded before slipping silently in the night, side to side with the oldest, who took a last glance at jeongguk before he disappeared into the darkness.

once he was sure that they had obeyed his order, the raven haired returned to pay attention to the figure, which in the meantime was looking at his nails, waiting for some sign of him, which didn't come, forcing him to speak.

« damn jeongguk, years of living together and you won't even say hello? »

he flicked the tongue on the roof of his mouth, disappointed, as he added:

« have they not taught you manners? or did a cat feast with your tongue? yet when we were together, you’d always have so many things to say....» he let out a short laugh, no hilarity, and then went back to looking at him, eyes lost into the darkness of the parking lot.

« well then I'll have to teach you everything again i guess. »

and from there it was complete chaos.

his comrades came out from the shadow, hair bands in head and guns in hands, they started shooting.

being repaid by the policemen, who jumped out of the cars, the black bullet vests dirty of snow and ashes and the guns ready tightly between the hands.

but taehyung wanted him,

and he wouldn't waste his bullets on anyone else.

there he was, standing there in the corner, leaning over a car, he waited for jeongguk to arrive, who didn't delay to please him, popping out of the car, his dark eyes on the oldest, who stared back with an excited, curious look in his ones, like a young sherlock holmes who was presented a stimulating case after months of withdrawal.

jeongguk armed the gun, ready to fire, sweat was dripping on his face, from the forehead where dark hair stick, to his chin, biting down his cold lips, he closed his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed by the situation, he dissociated by reality for a couple of minutes;

as he came back to his senses, he froze to the spot, taking in the sudden silence around him.

as he suddenly came back to reality, dropping his weapon, starting to turn around, he realized that he was alone, his mates, twenty, twenty-five brave men like him, were laying down in pools of blood that dyed with crimson red the pearly white snow.

at that moment, chest quickly rising and falling and head spinning around,

he thought that if the expression "the sky fell on him" really existed, then by then he would’ve already been dead under the weight of the dark deep sky.

he fell down on his knees, hot tears making their way from his burning eyes to his dirty cold cheeks, followed by sobs, which gradually turned into a rag, then into a scream.

he screamed until his throat started to ache, until he felt like he had no more voice to let out, tearing the nocturne silence apart.

once he recovered a little bit of lucidity, getting a hold of himself, he looked up, eyes full of hatred, towards the blonde boy, who was already looking at him, feeling almost sympathy for that child who had just lost his entire team.

he approached him, kindly laid the barrel of the gun under his chin, followed by one hand on his shoulder.

taehyung lifted his face with the weapon, causing their noses to touch, he gulped, conscious that what he was about to do would only complicate the situation, but unable to hold back.

he softly laid his lips on jeongguk’s, capturing them in a kiss that soon led to despair and anger, leaving the younger in a total state of confusion;

jeongguk felt ashamed, he felt absolutely an ass as he kissed the other back, choosing to forget for a second everything that was going on around them.

taehyung’s lips still tasted the same, they weren’t sweet, nothing of his was except for his face; it was more as if a lightning bolt just fell over him, it gave him goosebumps and made him feel free; taehyung had this power over him, of making jeongguk feel like the freest of people, it made everything seem possible, even the most far things.

jeongguk sighed into the other’s lips

returning to when they were two completely normal high school kids, to when they were on the same side and their biggest problem was what movie they were going to see at the cinema on the weekend.

he closed his eyes, letting the other swallow him into the kiss, feeling tears stain his cheeks with their transparent, warm liquid.

he thought that if that was his end, then it could have been way worse.

click.

the magical aura of that moment was abruptly ripped out by a hiss, followed by a whisper, then blood.

jungkook's arms trembled, stretching out with around the older, trying to hold him, face crossed by the panic of someone who had never faced that situation, not on his skin.

he started calling for help without realizing, embracing the blonde's body in his arms, who in the meantime was looking at him through his eyelashes, face contracted in pain.

he stretched his hand out over jeongguk’s cheek, wiping out a tear, then turned it down to his lips, releasing them from his teeth.

« j-jeez, how many times have I told you to not to bite your lips? you're just gonna ruin them. »

his voice put some lucidity back in jeongguk, who shifted his gaze back over him, grimace getting slowly replaced by a slight smile.

« good boy. »

the dark haired tried to speak, but not a sound came out, leaving him hanging on a painful sigh, while the sirens of the police could be heard in the distance, he was unable to think of anything else except the body that was growing colder and heavier in his arms, staining him with musky red blood.

« t-taehyung?» he said, voice high key shaking, receiving a positive sign from the other, who slightly nodded, struggling to let out any words over the growing pain.

« yeah gguk, im pretty sure that’s my name. can you /please/ smile for me? i deserve it, don't I? if I am to die, I want to take your beautiful smile to the afterlife.»

but jeongguk couldn't, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't smile, he chuckled off a sob as he felt him grab his hand and lay it on his chest.

he saw him look up on the night sky before speaking once more, his voice reduced to a flexible whisper.

« Isn't she beautiful?»

the younger looked up, meeting the presence of the moon, who looked at them quietly from the dark sky.

he nodded, charmed.

« yes... yes, it is, it is beautiful. »

he unconsciously put his head on the older’s chest - growing colder and colder by the seconds - he crouched by his side, grasping him as if his own life depended from it.

his chin started trembling and silent tears wet the fabric that was completely red on which his head was laying.

he felt the older’s heartbeat slowing down over and over and over, until it became almost an imperceptible sound.

then every noise stopped, the moment the blond parted his blueish lips, letting one last word out, which he had taught to him the full meaning years before, and that had been suspended between them for years.

« i love you. »

and he died.

quietly, while the battle was raging around them, and jeongguk cried silently, without knowing that in the distance there were other people doing the same thing, including namjoon, who had been for years like a father to taehyung, and couldn't stand to lose him like that, along with hoseok and yoongi, who, respectively, sobbed and watched the scene, cheeks wet and burning eyes.

and so, on that cold night of february, the moon became silent viewer of the massacre, whose worst loss was without doubt the love of two boys, the victim of fate, as unpredictable as cruel.

a week later.

he looked in the mirror, fixing his tuxedo and the last buttons of his shirt, sticking his jacket and fixing his tie.

jeongguk sighed, passing his long finger over his eye bags, a memory from the previous heavy and tiring week.

he sighed, repeating an encouraging mantra in his head, hoping it would work.

« come one jeongguk, you can do this, you have to do it.»

then he came out, finding, parked over the gate, seokjin’s black car and the latter, which slightly waved at him, followed by jimin’s wide encouraging smile, the pink hair combed with gel.

« come on, gguk, we'll be late!»

seokjin started the car, not even waiting for the other to fasten his belt, heading to the cemetery.

he had the smart idea of putting on some music, distracting the younger from all the thoughts that were nagging him, making that journey unfairly carefree.

he parked silently in front of the dark gate, removing the keys from the car and getting out, followed by the pink one and at last by jeongguk, who, a little reluctantly, abandoned the tepor of the car to dive into the cold air of March, slipping his hands into the pockets and locking the car, reaching with a few falcats the entrance of the cemetery, observing the two colleagues who, having preceded him, were already halfway across the street confabiling each other.

he got lost looking at all the plates covered by ivy, climbing to the trees, without realizing he'd reached his destination.

to wake him from his thoughts, it was the sudden appearance of three other figures, as elegant as them, who were approaching him, the bandana replaced by a fancy hairstyles held in place with gel.

« thank you for coming.»

the tallest of the three, what jeongguk remembered being namjoon, gave him a brief look, full of meaning, before he joined seokjin and jimin, followed by the guy with mint hair, yoongi, and the one with red fire-locks, hoseok.

they sat there in silence waiting for the seventh component to arrive, which jeongguk found himself carrying, head in the line, gulping heavily as he tried to hold himself together until they reached the freshly made hole, in which the mahogany coffin would’ve been buried in a matter of minutes.

at that point, tightened in their suits, the six boys, too young to go through all that, melted into sobbing and crying, leaving jeongguk alone with his thoughts.

251228

the snow was gently falling on the rooftops of the city, decorated by coloured lights and christmas carols, who accompanied jeongguk, held tight in his black coat, to the place which he visited every christmas.

he kneeled next to the marmorean plate, cleaning it out of snow and laying a deck of black roses, the rarest ones he could find, and their favorite from day one.

he gulped, squeezing in his jumper.

« hi.»

jeongguk breathed in. it was always as hard as the first time.

« long time no see? i guess. i actually see you everyday, everywhere, everytime i close my eyes you’re there, smiling at me, teasing me, and more than everything, gasping for air between my arms.

jeongguk spoke up, voice getting louder by the seconds.

« jesus christ i fucking miss you alright? yeah you’d say, of course i do! of course you already know right? as if i hadn’t been telling you the same thing for over than eight year...funny. it’s just that...jeez it’s not easy to stop missing someone, and i just...i just can stop missing you, it’s feel like a crime to wake up and not think about you first as i wait before opening my eyes... oh baby i’m a wreck without you, can’t you see? i need you here to stay, i need you here again, and it hurts so fucking much sometimes i’d rather not wake up, even if it meant dreaming of your pale skin and blueish eyes. darling when i’m fast asleep i see this person watching me...saying, is it worthy? well damn i don’t know anymore. there is something and there is nothing in between and in my eyes i only see you, and everytime i try to embrace you you disappear and it’s getting so hard to bear--» he gasped for air, breathing in and out slowly to try and calm himself down.

« are you you enjoying yourself there right now? do you have a family? did you find someone to share your destiny with? i hope so, because, you see, I tried, I have a family now, of course, it's not like having you, but you have to settle sometimes, right?» he sighed, feeling stupid. « jesus....remember that promise we made ourselves? that we would walk together to the end, well, here I am, even if you can't answer me, I am here walking next to you... Merry Christmas taehyung, i...i love you, i still fucking love you so much and it’s killing me day by day.»

gulping, he rose up, dusting the snow from his knees and walking to the gate, tears prickling in his eyes and chest painfully rising up with every breath he took.

he started sobbing, hiding his face behind the sleeves of his coat as he walked away, unaware of a figure who had watched him from behind a tree the whole time, his translucent lips bent over a blurry smile, eyes full of imaginary tears of those who had never stopped dreaming, of those who had never stopped loving.

[drabbleoclock]

Blemishes and Scars (Shoto Todoroki)

Shoto is shy and awkward making it difficult for Lily, an American transfer student, to get to know him. That is until he decides to ask a favor from her.

TW: Super brief mention of trauma

"What does this one do?" Kirishima asked for the millionth time, holding the metal device with two fingers, giving it a weary look.

"Curls your eyelashes." Lily breathed out, barley glancing at the boy as she sorted through her makeup bag.

"And this one?" He asked holding up a short tube of goop.

"That's concealer, it covers up blemishes and stuff like that." Lily said with the patience of a saint. She is the only one who allows Kirishima and Denki in the room when she does her makeup now, the other girls fed up with the constant questions.

It was Saturday morning, meaning the kids of class 1A had the day to themselves. The day was still full of so many possibilities and that excited Lily. Maybe they would go shopping, or have lunch at that new restaurant that opened near the school. That was for her to figure out later though.

Right now she was sitting on the floor of her dorm room, Kirishima right next to her in front of the body mirror, and Todoroki sitting against her bed, observing the two.

Lily noticed that's where Todoroki likes to be. Out of the way, observing, putting in his opinion only when it was asked for, a byproduct of his upbringing. The thought made anger rise in the girl's chest. She wanted to help him out of his bubble and help him be sociable but she never knew what to say to him. When she cracked jokes he would usually just stare at her, making her feel awkward and shut down herself, so she just opted to invite him along to whatever she was doing with the others, hoping it was enough for him.

So there they sat, Lily doing her eyeliner, Shoto sitting by her bed, and Kiri's hands digging in her makeup bag, currently squishing a sponge he discovered.

"Blemishes? Like pimples and stuff?" He asked throwing the sponge against the mirror and catching it again. Lily glared at Kirishima looking between him and the foundation mark he had just created on the mirror.

"Yes like pimples and scars. It also helps with undereye bags, really anything you wanna cover up." She said, while he sheepishly chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, putting the sponge back in the bag.

"So anything specific you guys wanna do today?" Lily asked, looking to Todoroki in the mirror, making painfully awkward eye contact, as he just stared back, his face a neutral mask.

"I was thinking we could go see that new movie! I heard it scared a guy so bad he threw up! Right there in the theater!" The redhead suggested, oblivious to the tension rising between the others in the room.

Lily refused to break eye contact with the half and half boy. She's not sure why she felt a pang of irritation flow through her but looking at the boy made her frustrated. She wanted to know what he was thinking, and he wanted to tell her, he just didn't know how. Or want Kirishima there when he did.

Don't get me wrong, Todoroki liked Kirishima just fine. He was strong, and a reliable friend, but Todoroki was hanging on to something Lily had said. A question burned in his mind but he pushed it down for another time he feared would never come.

"Sounds good to me." Lily said, giving up momentarily on the boy and focusing again on her eyeliner.

***

The movie was just about as scary as Kirishima said it would be. Lily thought it would be a laugh going in and making fun of it under her breath to her two friends, but she walked out of the theater holding onto Kirishima's arm, hyperaware of everything around her.

"Remind me never to let you pick the movie." She said, turning her head to look at the people around her. Kirishima laughed putting his hands in his pockets.

"Come on Lil, that's not very manly." He laughed. She hit his shoulder, dragging him out of the theater, Todoroki hot on their heels.

"Let's just go back to the dorms." She said, her cheeks flushing. She took a deep breath, relaxing her shoulders and unclenching her jaw, but not letting go of the redhead's elbow.

Once they were at the dorms again Lily went right to her room, deciding that a work out was a good way to get the movie far from her mind. She changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top, grabbing her headphones and water bottle, then heading out of the room.

She let out a yelp as she came face to face with a pair of heterochromatic eyes.

"Jesus Todoroki, you scared me." She whined, dramatically clutching her shirt above her heart.

"I'm sorry." He said monotone. The duo stood there looking at each other for what felt like an eternity for both of them. But back in reality only a few moments passed before Lily spoke again.

"Is there a reason you were standing outside of my door?"

"Yes, I was wondering if I could ask you something." He said, plunging them into silence once again. Lily sighed, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Are you gonna ask it or just stand there?" Lily meant it in a joking manner, but Todoroki took it differently. His neutral face darkened slightly, trying to figure out how to word his question. "What's up Todoroki?" Lily asked, wanting to help her friend, deciding she was going to pry the question from him this time.

"Earlier you said that concealer stuff could cover up anything right?" She asked, a slight blush coming to his cheeks.

"Ya.." She dragged, wondering where this was going.

"Well, I was wondering if it could cover my scar. It's been a really long time since I've seen myself without it."

The silence that followed the sentence was deafening. Lily's heart broke as the boy in front of her absently touched his fingers to his burnt face.

"I'm sorry for bothering you," He said, deciding that he had crossed a line somewhere. "This was a stupid idea." Lily's heart broke again at those words.

He thought she wouldn't want to help him? Maybe that she would judge him for the request. She reached out to grab his arm as he turned to leave.

"No! I-I don't think it's stupid at all! I just... Wasn't expecting it I guess. I can't guarantee I can cover it completely, but I'll do my best if you really want. I'd be happy to help." She smiled at him, opening her door further to let him in.

He forced a smile back at her, grateful to the girl for her understanding. He walked in, resuming his position from this morning at the side of her bed.

"Can I ask you a question? A personal one?" She asked him, rooting through her makeup bag, collecting the things she would need. She looked up when she got no response to see Shoto sitting on the floor, his fingers still brushing his face, staring off into the distance.

Lily looked at the boy, studying his features as she slowly knelt beside him. He didn't seem to notice her as his face rested in its neutral, almost sour, expression.

Lily recognized the dissociative episode immediately. She recognized the blank look in his eyes as he let his mind wonder over how he had gotten the scar, the pain he felt as his mother poured the water over his face.

Shoto jumped as Lily gently touched is shoulder, gently squeezing it to shake him from his mind.

"Are you alright?" The question was simple, and Shoto supposed the answer was too. No, he was not alright, but how was he supposed to say that to her? How was he supposed to explain everything that had happened to him and how he felt about it.

"Yes, sorry." He opted for instead, mentally cursing himself for keeping the feelings locked inside himself.

"You don't have to apologize, you've done nothing wrong." Lily said, making Shoto's eyes widen slightly. He knew she was right, he had done nothing wrong, and he barely noticed that he had apologized for nothing, it being an automatic response, drilled into him from such a young age. "Look, are you sure you want to do this? I mean, I kinda like your scar."

The deafening silence returned as the question hung heavily in the air. Lily realized a moment later how rude that may have sounded, starting to ramble out a hasty apology.

"I mean, I don't think that it's cool that you got it. Like I don't think you deserved to go through getting it cause I mean that must have really sucked... Wait! that came out wrong! I just mean I'm sorry you had to go through whatever you went through! I'm just saying that I think a lot of people's scars are cool, but especially yours."

Todoroki chuckled. A deep chuckle that rumbled through his chest. It was the first time Lily had heard it and she decided then and there it would be her mission while at UA to hear it as many times as possible.

"It's alright. I think I know what you meant. I'm sure, I want to see myself without it. I want to know who I could have been if it had never happened." Todoroki almost whispered the last part, wishing suddenly that he could disappear from in front of the girl.

"Covering it up won't make you a different person Shoto."

He stiffened at the use of his first name, and at the words she had muttered, dragging his hand from his face, and gently holding it in hers.

He didn't know what to say. He knew that, he knew it wouldn't change him, but what if it did? Even if only for a few minutes. He could pretend to be someone else, someone with a stable family, someone who knew who was who they wanted to be, not who their father had created them to be.

Lily swiped her thumb across the boy's cheek, dragging the tear that had fallen with it.

"You are exactly who you are Shoto, scar and all, and nobody can change that."

Shoto soaked up her words like they were water and he was dying of thirst. He wanted to listen to her forever, telling him how much power he had over himself, how she believed with everything that only he could tell him what to do, even if he didn't believe it himself.

More tears fell down Todoroki's face as he stared, wide eyed at the girl in front of him. Her other hand dropped his, traveling to his face to wipe the tears that refused to stay gone.

"Thank you." Was all he could choke out as he fell forward into her arms. he wished he could stay there forever, in her safe, comforting arms.

"Anytime." She said, running her fingers through his hair, making him relax into her more.

After that day, there were less awkward silences between the two. They were still there occasionally, but mostly it was Lily and Shoto sitting next to each other, letting a more... comforting silence lay between them. Shoto encouraging Lily to do her own thing as he sat there and felt the comfort of her presence. He didn't notice how slowly, but surely, she brought him out of his shell. How she would now always ask his opinion on whatever she was talking about. How she always made it her mission to include him in her day. He didn't notice why he was happier, but he knew it was because of her.

[light-of-being]

a very fkin long and incomplete exposition of my flaws as a human being

I've not really spoken about the probably most consequential event in my recent life (the ending of a long term relationship), and that's because I haven't really thought about it very much. At least, not in a clear-headed space not entirely filled with rage, fear, or initially, longing. So, I've mostly just been waiting for the intensity of those responses to wear out before I can go back and make sense of things in a sorta 'safe' way.

(These days it's mostly anger and/or hurt. Sometimes twinges of hatred, but those fizzle quickly. I know that attitude isn't 'true'. I tried to hate him, I really did. Things would be so much simpler that way — an obvious villain of pure evil, a mistake worthy of contempt. Put him behind me as someone I regret meeting and consider everything only as a flashing warning sign of what to avoid next time. But real life never is that easy, is it.)

Regardless, reading about miscellaneous psychological ~stuff, I realised that I know for sure now that there are sides of me that only come out in a close relationship, as they postulate. It's unfortunate that my exposure to this was only in such a toxic environment, and I'm not sure if or when closeness has any chance of happening again.

I suspect, based on what I have/haven't felt with him vs others, that I can (at least at this stage of my development) only really feel 'seen' by an antisocial/narcissist/schizoid (or something in that general direction), just hope to god it's a mature one next time. I might want to interrogate and possibly change that fact, I'm not sure it's at all a healthily arrived preference. But...

there is a degree of normalcy and social belonging in others that becomes a wall

I can relate superficially, cognitively and even 'deeply personally' (tho is all y'all's deeply personal shit necessarily relational?), have a good time and even feel 'connection' but there are parts that seem simply insurmountable.

The lack of relating to many things is the unifying factor between me and the specified groups: the shared experience of not having shared experiences

But yet, a more acute awareness of superficiality, and the drives and mechanics of human interactions, attitudes, identity and constructs, not taken for granted as default but built from the ground up (Most often out of either necessity or a desire to manipulate them, but still).

Actually, most straightforwardly, the shared experience of experiencing oneself as an outsider to society — whether people personally, accepted norms or expected attitudes towards self and other.*

Anyway, that was a whole semi-tangent I went off on (useful and relevant to the initial thought but not the point I was planning on).

Important point was...ah yes, insights!

...into how I behave under genuine relational circumstances. Due to aforementioned toxicity, I'm not sure how generalisable they are to relationships overall, but they should generalise to feeling-states.

1.

(a) Fear. Defensiveness.

Switches off my brain. Obvious? No. I have been actively strategic while having a gun pointed at me. I thought I had that down. Turns out, I cannot dissociate myself out of an argument most of the time.

Turns out, just the fact or even prospect of arguing activates panic and brain goes out the window. Which is really fucking stupid as an occurrence because how many of these could be prevented with a bit of mindfulness and thoughtful responding. But getting emotions to chill out for long enough to do that is tough.

(b) I am a stubborn dumbass. Kid me argued until they were attacked so harshly that they absolutely could not continue. The alternative presented was to just keep silent, one I did not then and do not now accept. Discussion where both parties partake in good faith have generally been fruitful, only neither of these situations were that. Both involved one person trying to dominate at all costs. To which I suppose keeping silent for the moment and then running tf away is an appropriate response. Idk. I'm not sure if this is a 'normal situation' to which I respond unhealthily, or an 'abnormal situation' in which you just do your best to survive. Arguments are normal. Idk if other people have a less aggressive approach that is less outright terrifying, in which I can modulate, but it does seem like people want to prove you wrong and get angry, which I perceive as aggression.

2. 

Which brings me to boundaries. Can I shut things down when I'm overwhelmed. In the present case, the answer was no. They both didn't stop and the fact that I asked for this was interpreted as admission of defeat.Oftentimes, getting out of the situation was more of an ordeal than dealing with it. [We stayed at a hotel the one time and he did things that made me very uncomfortable (in like a “things that I shudder at thinking about even now” kind of way; not sexual btw which this has made it sound). I thought I was as clear as I could’ve been by saying, “I’m going to legit have a breakdown if you keep doing that” but apparently it came across as a joke (gotta improve on communication as well). He stopped and apologised when he realised I was crying, but later blamed me for not being more assertive and laughed at my ‘exaggerated’ response and “meltdown”. At this point I wanted to leave and go home, but he withheld [my copy of] the key. He insisted and manipulated and coerced for discussion, said I could have the key if I “really wanted it, but do I actually want that”, until it was just easier to give in. The helplessness and feeling trapped of that evening haunts me to this day, and I want to be very sure to never be in any situation where that is even a possibility again no matter what.]

I need to get better at knowing what is and isn't okay and being strong enough to enforce that.

3.

(a) Attachment is a bitch. Utterly unfamiliar sensation, one I don't know my way around at all. The rarity of relation makes it seem so fucking precious, so fucking necessary to protect even to my detriment and his. Dare I tip the boat or will it sink. Should I be the dancing monkey to keep it from sinking. Should he.

(b) The feeling of giving a damn what someone thinks of me is also foreign and difficult. It also seems hella intensified by virtue of not existing elsewhere. Disapproval feels devastating. Criticism becomes attack. Everything feels like a continuous effort to establish worth. I'd imagined acceptance could be taken for granted, but I questioned it the whole way (obviously doesn't help when he demands changes).

(c) I have trouble distinguishing between personal issues and insecurities and legitimate reason to be upset. I think this is typical. But with trial and error, one can probably pick up on what you carry with you across differing people and circumstances. I don't have that data. I have nothing to compare against. I also suspect some parts of this is him treating legitimate reasons as being my distorted perceptions, which I'm pretty sure did happen for a few things that I believe are 'objectively' shitty.

5. 

I trust. Too. Fucking. Much. I take shit at face value. This is very often dumb and...bad in literally every sense, but I don’t yet know how to identify preemptively when that's the case. I also fail to be adequately 'suspicious' I guess to be alert to minor inconsistencies later on. Lies are especially devastating. I built my reality around you using that fundamental premise. Now you tell me it was false all along. Where does that leave me? I go back to substitute and nothing makes sense. I don't know if the initial statement was a lie or the claim that it's false was. I don't know if everything I remember is just distorted somehow. I don't know what to do. (aside: gaslighting? I’m inclined to say “effectively, yes”. The best explanation I have is that for many things he rewrote the narrative in his own mind and does not remember the things that blatantly contradict it. For other things, I cannot see that being possible and am forced to think it’s just pure lies). All of this could have been prevented if I accounted for people being dishonest.

6. 

(a) I lose sympathy. Genuinely did not ever expect this to happen. Enough hurt, enough deception and I stop trying to understand why. I assume malice. I expect malice in future interactions and misread situations as a result. In the beginning I made fucktons of effort to be understanding of things far from my typical range (hello, admissions of past violence and present homicidal ideation. Hello, talking someone out of real intention of ruining a person's life over a minor slight). Honestly, I think I overreached. Some of these things were not things I should have tolerated, accepted even. When I started walking on eggshells to not have him ruin my life, too, that was probably when I should've gotten out. He claimed that the people he cares about are exceptions. That's probably true, otherwise I would currently be in a ton of shit. But at some point I did stop believing it.

(b) I don't really think that most of the things that happened were malicious. Some, he admits, were. But mostly he wasn't out with the intention to hurt me, but he also didn't make the effort...not to. Even with me repeatedly complaining about things, he was defensive or dismissive, considering me talking about an issue to be me creating issues in his life. This is super shitty, his damage is caused by a stubborn ego fixation and sheer passivity, thoughtlessness (he has agreed to all of this in our final conversation), but it isn't exactly intentionally malicious. If he genuinely didn't believe there was a problem, that is an issue, and the fact that he utterly failed until the end to even consider the possibility of a valid complaint, is a very real flaw. He is bad insofar as "he is lazy and incompetent at being good". Which I can understand but nevertheless protect myself from. Ideally, sooner. At the point where I start feeling like someone is being shitty more often than not, something needs to happen. A discussion, a reconsideration, a run-as-fast-as-you-can... Something.

Idk. This isn't everything. But yeah.

.

.

.

* These 3 PDs are often used in illustrating the idea of pathologising difference: few of the criteria are about subjective distress and many about extrinsic value judgements of what a person should be like (lol, my clinical psych final had an essay question on this). I don't necessarily agree but it does speak to a shared thread of...something. That said, this characterisation is tbh still too broad for my liking. Importantly, it is definitively applicable to autistic people but I do not in general relate to that in the same way. Some specific manifestations of it, yes, but I have seen far too many excessively... 'human' autistic people to include the whole category. There are probably folks in the PD categories who are also like that but I think much less common.

[bandomgay]

My brain to yours pt.1 b.u

Tw: blood,gore,self harm,violence,hallucinations,slight mention of an ed

Au: hey babes this is gonna be my 5th time trying to post this and i want death so bad...however if there is any confusing things or typos or things seem to quickly paced im sorry thats just my brain babey! Enjoy...i guess

Word count: 1,894

It all started when he was about 6 years old, he never spoke ever,not that he couldn't he just wouldn't, his parents were worried about his development,however nothing was ‘wrong', he had a quite developed thinking process for a child, but it wasn't a good one for his age nor was it a normal one,no child should be so terrified of talking to people and being thought lesser of as his voice shook violently while trying to say the easiest of sentences.

he understood people to early into his young life ,he got the memo that everything was too stupid and too hard to understand so he gave up . his mother took him back and forth to hospitals and child psychologists ,his mother scared for what was to come of him could this weirdness she didn't even have a name or diagnosis for develop into something more as he grew? She thought, would he be normal? Would he be like the other children who laughed and giggled at the littlest of things? Would he be happy like them? She had decided to push her concerns into the back of head deciding that maybe he was just awkward it's okay to not fit in hes a fucking 6 year old boy maybe it's not that deep.

he was now in the 3rd grade now and teachers became more and more loud and responsive with their problems, he thought maybe whatever bad stuff they had going on at home they just needed to vent threw aggressiveness and shaking hands and restless mornings,but however it was their screams he didn't care for, he looked them in the eye wondering what he had done wrong, however he didn't care enough to continually think about it, but he realized slowly that couldn't feel anything like the red faced teacher did, he’d envy the poor mannered teachers feelings if he could, just how they could get so angry and fed up with kids who were disgusting and vile and how he never felt that…... he never felt anything at all .Now he was in the 5th grade he had to repeat the 4th grade due to staggeringly low grades and his failed attempts at homework he never seemed to have remembered. Things were getting hard to remember, so hard to remember what the teacher had said in the classroom that seemed to fade away after he was picked up by his mom and the sheer silence of the drive home and his mothers sneaking looks into the mirror with furrowed eyebrows at her son who never told her how his day went.

In school it was just so easy just to drift off in the land of dark swirls and dark worlds filled with make believe that he couldn't separate from the real world that never seemed to go away and darkness he felt comfort in his head till he heard nothing but the disgusting laugh of a teacher who had looked as if she wanted to deck him in the face ( he imagined about 3 different scenarios of how that actually could have occured, he held back a giggle and a sly smirk) as she snapped her wrinkled hands in his face “earth to brendon” he heard the aged feminine voice laced with anger repeat twice but he had failed to tune into the first reminder he was too dissociated to notice, he came too but didn't understand her reasonings of not just leaving him alone and let him rot and break free and he soon heard the fits of laughter coming from children he knew he was too weak to stop.

he wanted to do terrible things to everyone in that very room including himself, a dark desire he couldn't contain from his mind but he never followed through with these type of thoughts. he could never seemed control them he thought of them like messages being sent from an unknown source in the back of his head that had an invisible connection to someone he could see but nobody else could he dared himself if he could just pull at the cord in his head he wouldn't have those those thoughts, the figure never showed up in the same form it could be the shadows of dirty rain water coming from outside showing like a projection on the dingy beat up wall rising above him to claim a mental dominance , or the rotten stain of mold on the bathroom floor that now seemed to have a charming glow yet secretive smile or the bag of dirty clothes that sat high up on its rounded edges now smiled at him and watched him threw the night .

now it was the 7th grade and things had went to shit,it was already shit but it had gotten no better, fits of depression had left him wanting to call a hitman on himself and letting himself be cut open so all the organs in his body to be shot out of him or rip his jaw and everything behind it out of his body but he was too fatigued to think about it anymore his brain seemed to have stopped working back in the 6th grade, he could never think clearly a heavy fog on his brain he could never do much for himself he found the most simple of things he couldn't do, he couldn't pay attention, he felt dizzy at random times becoming feverish and not thinking about why because he couldn't think he thought process lessen and lessened with every passing day until all there were was thoughts of gore and death,sadness and the never ending thought of killing anyone or anything that had managed to make him want death even more.

he just continued to fade in and out of reality staring into the wall for to long or unknowingly staring at the couple of people who he thought was calling him pathetic and worthless with the contradictory voice telling him he's so much better than the disgusting people he saw and that they didn't deserve to smile they don't deserve happiness even though they’d never even spoken a word to him, they were never mean to him. he started pinching,stabbing,pulling at his hair,clawing at himself hard trying to see if he could care that he'd just hurt himself he continued to hurt himself hoping somewhere in the back of his mind he start to feel things, to show him he's real everyone sees him, but his inner self knew what he was doing he wasn't just trying to see if he was a real person he was punishing himself because he couldn't do what the rest of the real kids could do he couldnt plop himeself in a hard metal chair and take a test without thinking about what a disgusting person he was, without hearing them say he wasn't shit that his brain is mush that he couldn't understand the easy directions how he could get so angry and mad without hesitation how he could imagine killing his parents im cold blood… he stomped on his own foot,why is he thinking about this why is he thinking about this why, they creeped back up on him showing him images of his brother and sisters dead and gutted his parents choking on blood and vomit pale and dying, he hated himself for thinking these things,but if it was possible for him to be completely honest with himself he didn't care if they had died or not he just didn't have the ability to care.

He couldn't look people in the face without seeing these images of grewling faces pushed together in piles of pink and red flesh crawling into each others organs which looked rotten and distorted, why was he seeing this things these disgusting things these things… he wouldn't admit to himself that everytime he looked in the mirror he tried not to vomit he tried to hard, he bashed in the mirror bloodlying his hand, his hiss echoing in the empty bathroom he couldn't go to the nurse he couldn't look her in the eye and see her like that, besides he was on the first floor and he was too weak to go all the way to the fourth floor he knew he would pass out, he felt something pooling in his stomach it was anxiety he felt the cramping in his stomach and the salivating in his dry mouth, he vomited into the sink, he hasn't eaten anything in about 3 weeks so the pain of dry heaving for almost half in hour into the sink made him dizzy and ultimately pass out. he had now awoken to bright lights that made him nauseous and whimper, he was in the hospital again. he tried so hard not look the nurses and doctors in the eye and seeing horrific images in his mind of them dead, rotten maggot filled and bloody be he regained his ability to see the normally after a while.

“Brendon honey…” his mommy's voice was there “mommy...hi mommy” he said in a broken whisper. She had realized he never calls her mommy unless something's wrong he wasn't aware that he was, he turned to the right finding an iv carefully placed into in scarily pale arm “honey...they found you in the bathroom your hand was cut up...you where passed out what...t?” she silenced herself for a moment seconds later starting up again. “They found you in the bathroom..the mirror was broken and your hand was cut pretty deep and passed out” he mouth trembled a bit, she moved his sweaty bangs out of his forehead, he felt wetness on his skin his own uniform shirt clinging to his skin he was sweating.

He didn't feel real he didn't respond properly to what she had said he only looked away.. And said “dizzy….everything hurts…” he was so surprised he felt something but if feeling was like this he didn't want it. “I d..don't wanna feel like this..can you make it stop mommy please?!” Nani was absolutely terrified she'd never been so scared for her little boy, “its gonna be okay,sweetie...i swear..to god i swear…” in this moment if she was honest she didn't believe there was a god, no god would do this to her son, she turned around after hearing the door and hard footsteps.

“Hello ms. Urie im dr. Yakima, i will be assisting and diagnosing your son” she nodded softly wanting her son to be okay. “Hey son,open your eyes for me,i'm here to help” brendon heard a much more distorted version of what the doctor had said than nani did, but then again he was fading in and out. He handed her pills and said firmly “these are anti-nausea and pain killers i'm gonna give these to him and he will feel much much better i promise..” He was right it with his cocked up eyebrow and charming smile that sparkled with calmness and reassurance that worked its way into nani. the medication  worked but not instantly. “Sit up honey..” She said softly, he followed what she said slowly with a wrecked groan and intense muscle pain however there was no rush.

[thepuffinprince]

He looked like he was struggling getting his uniform zipped up all the way

Ya it’s really fuckin bizarre I mean I have the way he looked at me memorised. Because… it was the way someone regards the moon. Wonderstruck and whatnot, I mean… The look said it all. I asked if he wanted help and I didn’t know if he heard me… I was waiting on his response, looking like a scared animal, mind you(I’m super shy and asking people if they need help, or initiating conversation is really hard. ) it was just so spurt of the moment though. Anyways. I was waiting on his response and god, I saw every emotion. It was a little bit of awe and mostly shock in the slight part of his lips. His eyes were like the ocean. (Very pretty) but his whole expression read like a book. A little awe, shock, wonder (this sounds corny af). He looked a little surprised too. Just a little. I’ve always gotten this whole “man of few words” vibe (shy) from him and yunno during rehearsals and stuff I’ve caught him staring, though it could be anything. Like that vacant, empty look you give things when you focus so hard you dissociate or start daydreaming. ANYWAYS. After what feels like hours, I’m in this slightly uncomfortable twist of my torso to make eye contact. He towers over me by a solid 6 inches (I’m 5'4) so I’m kinda looking up at him. My heart is pounding. (I know I look cute, I spent time making sure my hair was up properly) This was about 30 seconds in reality. He responds almost too softly, since we’re at a football game, his regular voice is soft and deep and gorgeous. :) “….that would be nice.” I wasn’t sure. For a second my heart fell. It almost sounded sarcastic. As I think about it now… since I am guilty of it, I sometimes come off as harsh when I’m nervous or distracted or busy, even when I’m trying to be playful, or caught off guard, naturally. I don’t try to, that’s just how I am. Nonetheless, I committed. I was going to zip him up. It’s a challenge with the harness, since it’s protrudes a little off the shoulders. I don’t mind, it’s being helpful. He looked like he needed it. (Why he stopped in front of me while I was talking to my friend is a tad bizarre but that’s for later introspection. I’m prone to overthinking things. It’s probably a simple reason) so I walk over behind him, a little more then casually, but less then ecstatic. A nice healthy in between. I take over right where he left off. Idk… I mean, I had my gloves on, and since I am a clarinet player the fingertips are cut off. (Marching clarinet players know what’s up.) and he’s all nice about it, he holds the edges at the bottom together so it’s easier for me. And I?? Idk?? The whole thing felt intimate. I didn’t touch his skin or something. But I guess it’s being that close to someone. I zipped him up and it was just right in terms of speed. Usually I rush through it. It was by far the nicest I’ve ever zipped someone up. Careful, kindly. I didn’t have bad intentions. I’d even go as far as to say elegant. So then the first thing I do afterwards, a quiet, more to myself then to him, “there you go!” Involuntarily escaped me. I imagine he said “thanks” but I was so rushed? Flushed? Both? That I didn’t hear him (also it was so loud). But I fUCKING BOLTED. I disappeared to go get plumed. I call it “the good ol’ run away from my feelings” and that’s it. I mean… I’ll make a point to zip him again if he needs it… but that was so spurt of the moment I’d be embarrassed to ask him again. I’d think about it too much. :) I love social anxiety

Now I’m like, “ya totally should’ve said something like: just ask next time, I don’t mind helping” but instead I just poofed my ass outta there?? God I need to get better at this