#it's just my anxiety telling me im not worth it tbh

[statticscribbles]

Heyyy gratz for everything happening in your life 💕🥳🎖📖

- 👋 A

Aww thanks! You're so sweet; things have been going well lately (waiting for the other shoe to drop tbh)

[rrcenic]

in memory of neil perry on his. suicide day lol. i’m dropping my anderperry playlist 💪💪💪

im putting the songs, the artists, and some reasons/lyrics that put them on my list :)

just take my wallet by jack stauber

it’s singing to a loved one who is no longer there, implied that they took their own life

lyrics that give anderperry vibes:

“your mamas crying for you”

“good times are singing, they sang, they sang, those times are echoing through me”

“what’s the softest way to say you took away my friend, my buddy, what’s the kindest way to say the end”

hidden in the sand by tally hall

this song is a bit unsettling but sweet and sad. it’s about confusion and love

there are no lyrics that really scream anderperry, it’s just the vibes tbh

when she loved me by sarah mclachlan

yeah this was the toy story song. but it still. it’s just. aaaah

it’s a forlorn memory of a love that is gone

lyrics:

literally all of them are anderperry istg

this december by ricky montgomery

i’ve actually already made a post about this!! https://www.tumblr.com/rrcenic/735574508285689856/this-december-by-ricky-montgomery-is-the

talk to me by cavetown

this song holy shiiiit-

it’s kind of. it’s like asking someone you love that it’s okay to talk to you about their problems. saying it’s okay to not be perfect.

lyrics that scream anderperry:

“we can talk here on the floor, on the phone if you prefer, i’ll be here until you're okay”

“let your words release your pain, you and i will share the weight, growing stronger day by day”

“it’s so dark outside tonight, build a fire warm and bright, and the wind, it howls and bites”

“anxiety, tossing, turning in your sleep, even if you run away, you still see them in your dreams”

“it's so dark tonight, it looks nice, fall asleep, it's alright, come inside, and talk to me”

smoke signals by cavetown

i know i’m a freak, ripped the band-aid, broke the peace, took the lock but lost the key”

“guess i set you free, i hope you found a place to sleep, i know you're bound to think of me”

“you can come home to me when you're ready, i left the gate unlocked for you, til then i’m sending out smoke signals, hoping i’ll see yours too”

also, the ending is just repeating the line “i miss you” seven times as it fades out

the village by wrabel

this song is technically about the transmasc experience in a conservative area but i think some of the messages fit anderperry so well!!

learning from someone wiser that you don’t need to be ashamed of yourself, the hate you can get from your family for being queer, the fact that there is nothing wrong with you and your gender and your sexuality and your dreams, very dps coded

it also discusses the fact that oppression of young queer folks can often lead to suicide

lyrics:

no, your mom don't get it, and your dad don't get it, uncle john don't get it. and you can't tell grandma, cause her heart can't take it, and she might not make it. they say don’t dare, don’t you even go there”

“feel the rumors follow you from monday all the way to friday dinner, you’ve got one day of shelter then it's sunday hell to pay, you young lost sinner”

“well i’ve been there, sitting in that same chair, whispering that same prayer half a million times. it’s a lie though, buried in disciples, one page of the bible isn't worth a life”

these are just the first few songs that come to mind for anderperry, but i’m sure there’s more!! anyways rip neil you slayed 😔

[fairycosmos]

help a few weeks ago I got a prescription for citalopram and today I decided to start trying it and I deeply regret it because reading about the side effects gave me a panic attack and I wish I’d never taken it and I can’t sleep because I’m so scared I’ll die or throw up in my sleep or something. I’m never taking this again it’s just not worth the fear oh my god. tbh I’ve always been scared of substances like I didn’t ever get drunk till I was 21 (drinking age here is 19) because I was so scared of alcohol and I had to get sedated to get my wisdom teeth out and thinking about it still freaks me out. Anyway I’m losing my mind please tell me I won’t have any long term effects from taking 10mg of citalopram because I know that’s true but I’m like straight up losing it

im so sorry you're feeling so much anxiety about this and i know words/reason don't really register when you're in this heightened state but i hope you can breathe and come back to this - you will be absolutely fine. it is a very small controlled amount of medication that was specifically prescribed to help you out. obviously they have to list the possible side effects for legal reasons but that does not mean youre guaranteed (or even likely) to experience every single one. i hope you can sip some water and take some space and time to talk yourself through the anxiety you're feeling. if it continues, i really recommend talking to your doctor about it and seeing if they can offer any insight or alternatives that you might be more comfortable with. medication anxiety is very very real and i think it's ok to recognise that while also trying to remember that your doctor has your best interests at heart and if there were any long-term effects that would outweigh the positives the meds bring you then they likely wouldn't have recommended it. if it turns out this medication isn't for you, you can always come off it under the guidance of a medical professional before any potential side effects progress (if you experience any at all.) sending so much love and a massive hug your way, i know this is exhausting and scary for you. it's difficult not to catastrophize but it's important to remember that realistically there are a tons of other outcomes besides you taking a medication and getting as gravely and irreversibly ill as youre imagining. please go easy on yourself. X

[pricelessemotion]

i saw you’re working on a second chance romance fic PUHLEASE TELL ME ABOUT IT. i luv second chance romance😌🫡

omg OFC ILL TELL YOU ABOUT IT! tbh i am such a sucker for second chance romance bc i love angst 🫦.

it’s gna be a modern!eddie x reader fic set in sf. BASICALLY i got the idea bc a while ago my friend was moving into a new apartment and his roommate had the same first name and last initial as one of my ex flings 💀. LUCKILY IT WASNT THEM but it did give me the idea for this fic so i guess it was worth the mild anxiety attack fhshshsj.

basically eddie and the reader had a little thing not too long ago but it ended kinda badly? n then r is helping steve move into his new apartment and ruh roh eddie is there?! and he’s steves new roommate??

v much enemies/exes to lovers vibes. it’s only like 800 words rn but that’s just bc im so busy w school n my other wips 😭.

[boundforhale]

MAE MY BELOVED

okokokok you know the story but here we go AHEM.

initially? didn't follow bc ur such a good writer it struck the fear of god into me to see you on the dash replying to moots. and THEN i eventually DID follow but i was scared you hated me/didnt want to interact bc i forgot to reach out after i followed so i didnt say anything for a few days

and THEN i stayed up over 24 hours in a row and somewhere during that time i grew a pair i guess bc then i went to message you and i couldnt so i sent an ASK?????? MY ANXIETY WAS CRYING REAL TEARS??????? but it was WORTH IT bc you're the nicest person in the entire world and we've created one of the COOLEST AUS IVE EVER SEEN THERES SO MUCH CONTENT HERE IM LIVING.

and also you're 1/3 of the holy gremlin trinity idk how we all survived before that formation tbh clearly @stilesstylelinski and i were in desperate need of supervision and a pack mom and we got BOTH you sweet angel baby child who is also mom i love you and you're so talented and kind and funny and incredible even when you're actively injuring me with tyler gifs and your writing is literally STILL intimidating to me ur just top tier okay thats all

THAT is why i follow you thank you bye

Please tell me anonymously or not why  you  follow me. I  could use some positive messages

[ Em, my sweet chaos child who never gets enough sleep. I'm so glad you reached out to me because my anxiety wins out about 100% of the time. I honestly don't know what I would do without the insanity you (and Trick) have added to my life.

STOP. You cannot tell me I'm still intimidating. I'm the awkwardest bean ever. I love writing with you so much and imagining them being unhinged in interviews gives me so much life. I love you and promise to always bring you a regular supply of Hoechlin media ❤ ]

[anawkwardlady]

Oh, forgot the confessions were going on. Is it still going on? /gen

Once I asked an astronaut guy (he was from Apollo number idek.. wasn’t paying attention but if I Google him I’m able to recognise him. He’s the only one still alive) who’d been giving a speech how old he was (having panicked because he pointed at me and told me to ask him a question and then his assistant handed me a microphone) when he was asking for people to ask him things

(it was for a primary school school-trip years and years ago .. several schools had gone do you can imagine that those present in the theatre where he’s giving his life story are in the hundreds, or very close to being)

It doesn’t seem like much but I was mortified. Especially as the room went silent (yes, that is true, actually happened, and he was like “uh .. no” and asked someone else. Think he actually cut the q&a section short after that? But that might be wrong and my perception of time was just warped bc of my immense anxiety afterwards).

And as such for the longest time whenever I’d think of space in general (with him being an astronaut n all that) I had like weird mini panic/stress attacks. Just the mention of the subject would get me a bit freaked out.

I’m better with it now, and the guy probably doesn’t even remember it being like nearly a hundred or something, but dude. The closure I will feel when I one day Google him and find out he died will .. probably not be worth the whole anticipation.

Everything aside I do hope he’s doing well, especially for his age. But my celebration is just one sociopathic Google search away.

I mean im never refusing some !

Oh noooo

Tbh, I'm pretty certain he thought you were a really shy person and pretty young and awkward and never thought about this again. Also anyone else hearing this exchange probably wouldn't retrace it from you and probably forgot the question after. Tbh I think its weird to point at random people and tell them to ask you a question instead of just, giving the mic to people who are raising their hand ? I understand why its panic inducing tho, I glad you're better with it !

If it can help you feel better, I also had a little awkward moment with someone somehow famous, even if it wasn't in front of a lot of people. I was in a writing club in school years ago and without warning us they invited a famous writer to one of our session. And it was SO awkward because first of all, none of us read his work, second of all, he didn't understand it was to write with us and not a Q&A (and he was a really eccentric guy not really holding his tongue so we had a lot of awkward moments) and finally he gave us a theme, we all made something with it and read it to him (you read it out loud and all). And I was the only one he criticized and held on for long, I used a word he thought was not the right word to used and he wasn't leaving me alone with this. Gave everyone else compliments. Thats it. I guess we all had weird encounters.

[crashingwavesinmyworld]

Telling my mom about how my paranoia and anxiety has gotten worse and how I don’t feel safe in my own house or anywhere and wish she could just meet me in the middle when it comes to just doing one thing I ask her to help me feel less anxious (wear a fucking mask which she admitted to not doing today when she went somewhere and I know there are other times she hasn’t even if she doesn’t tell me but IM LITERALLY JUST ASKING FOR ONE THING

she told me I’m crazy and full of shit, the other day she called me psycho when I said after taking one of my anti anxiety meds that I still felt very anxious and on edge she’s like really you seem better to me and not psycho like you have been lately

This just in having panic and anxiety attacks and my whole body hurting because of it makes me psycho!!!! Being paranoid makes me psycho!!! Please don’t let anyone tell you that. Anyone reading this it’s not true. Having mental illness does not make you crazy. And you deserve someone to truly listen and care about you not dismiss your concerns the way everyone does to me

Oh apparently I’m also worth being treated like I’m dirt on the ground because I cried in public (last month when my mom was in the hospital and almost died) I wasn’t even full on sobbing or making a scene but I guess that makes me crazy too just crying being teary eyed and instead of asking if I’m okay just treat me like garbage and they are only nice to me now because they were told to be not because they actually are a good person, I can’t trust anyone and I don’t know why I’ve wasted so much time on people who will never care about me but I also don’t blame them I’m too much of a mess to stick around for. No matter how good of a friend I try to be my mental health always gets in the way and no one will ever see me as worthy of sticking around for. Even my own mom thinks im crazy and has even told me to just unalive myself already and get it over with so I can’t expect anyone else to love me it even my own mom is sick of me and I can’t bring up any of the toxic things she’s said it done without her acting like she’s the victim being turned into a villain unfairly but tbh she has been a fucking villain just because she’s also done good things for me it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be upset or call out the hurtful things she’s said and done!!!!! I just wish it could be over. I don’t want to go through this pain anymore I can’t deal with it anymore I’m so tired

[erectedingold]

Life Update

Writing this on my phone, think i might rn getting a little sick 😓

but lots going on rn, started school & tbh as i get older i realize school ain’t that bad bro! im so thankful for my classes & i dropped a science class cause fuck science i hate that shit SO MUCH. but when i was doing that i mentioned in my email to my guidance counselor the college im wanting to go to & she says to me “you probably won’t get in your gpa isn’t there & your SAT scores aren’t there as well, maybe check out *college*”

first of don’t talk to me like that. i know academically i am far from great but my talent & ambition outweighs ALL of that. never tell an artist they can’t go to an art school they deadass don’t even have math classes there dude like who tf do you think you are? i know my talent & what i can & cannot do so don’t doubt me ever again bitch LMAO. second don’t tell me where YOU think i should go. like please. i am being so fr don’t ever tell me where i belong because ill go where i want. so watch yourself the next time you talk to me.

that whole interaction ruined my day. my whole life i’ve been doubted but i know who i am & what i can do.

but i wrote my essay & it’s amazing, & now im gonna get 2 letters of recommendation from my teachers. one from my english teacher & the other from my business teacher. then i got 2 open responses i need to write for & then i can send my applications. if i don’t get into this school im applying for in boston idk what ima do tbh, im applying to one in NY & one in NYC but like fuck bro i’d rather one here in boston especially when i have friends here. also applying to one in california 😴

but back to school, i think the older i get the more i realize how EASY shit is, my math is easy, my english is easy, intro to psychology easy, history is a joke, & my related class is easy. it’s just managing time in the class room like damn it makes me annoyed that my senior year of high school i don’t have anxiety with school anymore 😭 is what it is though that just makes this year easier for me 🙏

my new film is dropping tomorrow i’m really nervous for it i’ll be honest idk why, im afraid of it getting NO views but also it doesn’t matter it’s my art & im proud of it 😴 it don’t matter what anyone thinks because i do it for me 🤷 i make art because creating makes me feel alive. that’s what i do it for, i make because its second nature to me, it’s like breathing i don’t think about to at all it comes so naturally to me & im truly blessed to have my brain this way.

i hope everyone who views it can feel the passion though 🙏

I’m also not taking any disrespect anymore, i’ve been on my journaling shit & some more self development. i’m going to start reading more because i want to be a better writer & also expose myself to more challenging material. i’ve been watching more international films which has been on my list for a while, subtitles aren’t that scary guys! enjoy the art made around the world never let a language barrier stop you from that.

but also finally just more self discovery on my end & solidifying my boundaries whether people like it or not because i will NOT allow myself to be disrespected in my one life. idgaf if it’s just “jokes” because my perception is my reality & if your joke is disrespectful then shut the fuck up 🤷 i also won’t be giving my energy to people who don’t match or or appreciate me. you don’t deserve me. there some people who i show nothing but kindness & give the biggest helping hand to when needed & i don’t get that energy back so guess what im not trying anymore because you’re not worth my time. simple as that.

i’m not going to give pieces of myself to people who no longer deserve it. i know that i always have good intentions & share my kindness always & i will no longer allow myself to be a doormat. people have mistaken my kindness for weakness & i won’t let them mistake it anymore.

i don’t have to have everyone like me or respect me so boom if you don’t get out of my life i don’t need you because when i look in the mirror i love myself & respect myself & that’s all i need. as long as you have yourself you have somebody.

i’m also cutting out some bad habits that i started that have been damaging to myself. i deserve better because i love me.

i am proud of me & who i’m becoming. ive been making big changes this year & im telling you 2025 will be the year of diego. im manifesting it.

but yeah i’ve been getting closer with my dawg nathan much respect & love to him always. amazing & talented filmmaker who is my best friend dude & im happy me & him have gotten closer recently. we both got broken up with around the same time & we’ve talked like everyday since dude, the universe has plans for us. we’re gonna be great i can feel it.

&& speaking of universe that’s another thing. the universe has a plan for everyone including you reading 🙏 if you feel lost something will happen to bring you onto the right track of self discovery & self love. keep going even when it’s hard because the reward will be great. i have full trust that everything i manifest will come to life & i’ll reach all my goals.

thank you for reading this blog post, lots of changes in my life & i am human & experiencing & living & breathing & feeling emotions. thankful for my mind.

- Diego Muñoz

[hauntedotherworld]

had my first claas toda y in this evening

was so nervous i had a little alcohol to help

anyways we had a break rn halfway thry and im outside im going home i did tell the teacher earlier i cant stay anymore and yeaah. i remember why i dropped out and had so much trouvke classrooms and me dont mix the anxiety is too fkng much and whwn i wanna eun out i feel i cant it makes me feel completley trapped and its honestly the worst feeling i just cant handle it. my anxiety is overwheling i just scribbled the paper i cant even write the work because my anxiety is overwhelming me i just need to get out thats it . atleaat i am now but that was horrible.. my parents will be disapointed.. i dont know if i can be in college anymore and i was only here 2 gd days 😶 tbh the first ttime (not maths) was ok. it was alot bigger and idk it didnt cause me this anxiety but idk if any of its worth it . ill have to talk about it

im not that sad i just know id i say this theyll be mad.. and i dont want to just stay home like before i might try get a private tutor or do it online.. i was meeting some good ppl tho on the non subject intro and stuff ah.. but i just cant do these classrooms i cant do it

i failed guys

[nathank77]

8/20/24

1:00 p.m

Mike asked me if I'm experiencing any hypomanic symptoms. Of course I was offended cause like IM NOT MANIAC. He was like well you're taking 3000mg of white mulberries despite the LD50.

And I explained what's the difference between me taking 3000mg of white mulberries that are actually significantly improving my life and yes there is risk but at the same time, the short term benefits outweighs the risks.

The golden rule question of medicine is, do the benefits outweigh the risks? Like does taking Methimazole make sense to treat your thyroid versus not taking it, when Methimazole can actually kill you? There is a rare side effect it causing severe liver damage which is why I get my liver levels pulled every months. It can actually kill you if you're one of the unlucky few and your Dr doesn't do level as much as they should.

He asked if I was having racing thoughts and doing risky behaviors. No I'm not. The most Risky thing I've done is increase white mulberries. I don't spend money unless I essentially do a spread sheet and plan my monthly finances for a couple months to make sure I can afford it. I don't have sex with strangers. I don't idk, do drugs for fun.

Racing thoughts I mean they have actually decreased since taking xanax funny enough. Tbh I don't have racing thoughts at all. My thoughts are truly careful and slow and articulated.

I think he thinks that taking white mulberries at 3000mg is a risky behavior. But how is it any different than deciding to develop a movementdisorder from antipsychotics? Short term reward (less hallucinations) but long term life altering side effects...

The only difference is we don't know what will happen from long term use at this dose or any dose at that rate bc the research doesn't exist.

What do we know about white mulberries:

1) they help gum disease per a number of clinical research studies

2) they lower blood sugar per a number of clinical research studies

3) they lower cholesterol per a number of clinical research studies

4) they reduce hallucinations per a number of clinical research studies

5) they can be used as a treatment for Parkinson disease

6) in conjunction with antipsychotic caused tardive dsykinesia and other movement disorder they caused less symptoms of tardive dsykinesia.

I wish he didn't ask cause then he went into the LD50 and it's like, man I just want silence. 90% of the time I've been writing this it's been silent with an ear worm...

I may not live long but all I want is to hear the birds chirp and to sit in the woods and never hear the voice again.

I don't need anxiety about the white mulberries everything I read about antipsychotics are bad. I mean people on them for 3 or more years and they have all sorts of movement disorder and they STILL HEAR THE VOICE. HOW IS THE RISK WORTH THE BENEFIT?

I have a reduction in my hallucination. A significant reduction in it. Enough to say the risk is worth the benefit. Yet I'm suffering no ill effect from it.

I just didn't need the anxiety. I'm the furtherest thing from manic.

Last night when I was struggling to sleep my facial muscles twitched... prob metopolol leaving my body. Maybe the statin side effects still leaving.

Sure it could be white mulberries but now I have more anxiety. I didn't even tell him about the facial twitch cause I didn't need him making me more anxious about it.

Christ it could be from xanax!

Either way I heard a cricket chirping last night and it was the most beautiful sound I've heard in months. Pure silence. Just the chirps.

If I developed a movement disorder from white mulberries I'll kill myself. I don't think they cause it.

For all I know it could be xanax. For all I know it could be the statin. For all I know it could be a the metopolol leaving. It could also be ANXIETY!

I remember before I started taking white mulberries or anything, I would randomly have twitches sometimes facial twitches and I'd just be like it happens move on and not worry but I wasn't taking a mystery supplement at a high dose.

And now I'm anxious. Imma tell my doctor I take White mulberries.

I just was already anxious about my insomnia, my thyroid nodule and my heart. And now I keep thinking about that facial twitch and white mulberries and now I'm scared.

[notanotherblorbo]

Oh my day? Great !!! So great tbh. I just literally woke up already stressed. Like quite literally woke up filled with anxiety for no reason. had a three hour long panic attack at work, tried not to cry because my best friend is moving in less than a week and ive failed her by not being a good enough friend. Because I've convinced myself she hates me so many times that I've ghosted her entirely because i thought our friendship wasn't worth pursuing anymore. had to do training I didn't want to do that I shouldn't have to do, nothing was working. Got off, did stuff with people (highlight but it ended up sucky in the end) got home. Plans with other friend canceled. Library w/brother. Got yelled at by my mom, embarrassed myself in front of her because of some other thing I was doing when she came to yell at me, rsd kicked me in the head and I've felt like I wanna die for the last 2 hours because I feel so awful and I could not even tell you what I'm feeling. I lie to everyone all the time I'm so sick of being okay im so tired of feeling like shit constantly and not saying anything I'm failing at everything I need to do for my future I'm screwing myself over. I know I am but I can't bring myself to do the things I need to do I keep triple and double booking myself because I'm mixing up my responsibilities because I forget that I'd said I do something and then say I can do something when I can and then I say I can do another thing because I forgot about both of the first things because my brain DOESNT FUCKING WORK. I can't do anything my life is a mess I'm a failure I want to be done with everything.

[eternal-echoes]

how do u deal with bullying coming from a lost catholic . Even though the bible says u should forgive those that have wronged u for they do not know what they are doing-i think that what the verse said- its hard cus i want to do something bad back because i have negative feelings and thoughts racing in my mind when encountering such people. Ever since entering secondary school and i have been tormented for 5 years by my peers, Now it is my last year and i feel like giving up. I dont even have the motivation to study for exams. Because of relentless bullying i have retreated into a shell of anxiety, every interaction i have with people in school feels like an npc interaction as it is the same bs everyday. Even the people i call friends arent rlly trustworthy. Ive recently started to go out more often and ive felt better. But i cant escape the thought of the negative wave of feelings once re entering school. you can tell i have a strong disdain for these people. I feel out of place with my peers - idk if i have autism, maybe- but people think im awkward and weird. recently catholicism has piqued my interest again after reading about Saint Teresa. plus ive become interested in philosophy

"Then Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they're doing...'" - Luke 23: 34

This is the Bible verse you’re referring to, anon. This is Jesus speaking from the cross. I understand what you’re going through anon. Wanting repay injustice for those who have done injustice towards you to let them know what they did to you is unacceptable. That it was wrong for them to look down on you that they did that. I struggled with it myself and tbh I’m not even sure if I’m over it.

I think what helped me is reminding myself the “… for they do not know what they’re doing…” part. It’s really a dense clause. Because I believe what Jesus is saying here is is that a lot of people who have done evil things, haven’t been blessed enough to be raised in a Christian household to understand that what they’re doing is wrong. Sometimes they even lack the grace. And sometimes because they’ve been hurt before, their only means of coping with the pain is to hurt others. Not to say that makes them off the hook or the pain hurt any less, but their circumstances led them to be who they are.

I think in order to forgive, to truly forgive, is to love them. You love them by willing their good. And the way to do that is praying for them. Praying that they’ll repent so they can be reconciled with God because that’s good for them. Because God wants us all to be united with Him in the afterlife. It’s hard so it will take a lot of willpower and effort to tell yourself to do that. That’s just the definition of love because love is a verb. And if love isn’t hard then it’s just mere words.

If we don’t forgive it will drag us to Hell.

And in order to not the negative feelings of bullying get to you, remind yourself that you’re a child of God made in His image and likeness.

Also, repeat this to yourself,

“I renounce the lie that I’m worthless.”

“I renounce the lie that I’m worthless.”

“I renounce the lie that I’m worthless.”

Negative feelings is usually associated with a lie and in order to counteract that lie, you have to fight it with the truth. And the truth is you have infinite worth. You know when you watch a movie, especially about one with good-hearted protagonist, in order for the writers to show that he’s good, he’ll go out of his way and fight tooth and nail to save a stranger from dying. God did that for you on the cross. So don’t give up on the life He gave you.

As for feeling out of place and awkward, remember that social skills is a skill, and skills require constant practice to get better at it. So just keep going out and talking sincerely to people and eventually you’ll find people who you connect with. And just because you don’t have chemistry with someone it’s not a bad thing. You’re not for everybody. There are other people out there that would be better fit for you.

I’m glad you’re growing interested in philosophy. My advice is to keep reading whatever speaks to you so long as it isn’t heretical (maybe you’ll wanna read them either later or to contrast it with teachings of the Catholic Church to understand the latter better) to make sure you don’t fall into heresy. Check out my #quotes tag to see if anything pique your interest to start your research. Also check out: conduit-of-grace.tumblr.com.

I’m sorry I can’t say anymore about your bullying situation other than it will pass and get better. Pray for their salvation because they need it more.

If you have anymore questions, feel free to send them.

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i dont know what the reason is but im so sensitive when it comes to you. you're special to me so i end up expecting more from you than from other people but it only makes me get too vulnerable. i get triggered way too easily when it's you. small changes in your tone or actions easily threatens me. i dont know if its because of the past which made me unnecessarily scared of even the slightest changes in you. i feel my chest getting tight when your tone sounds like i might done something that pissed you off, or when you dont reply then i get anxious cause how will i know if you're just busy doing something or if you're already dead? not gonna lie, i sometimes even end up hyperventilating due to the amount of anxiety that consumes me.

tbh im still bothered by the time you said you were gonna kys. i thought i wasnt affected by it too much after finding out you were okay naman, but i guess that was only because i havent processed it yet.

not to be selfish and im not saying that anyone should be prioritizing my feelings over their own cause i know you were going through things that time, but it was so sudden. that very experience continuously tells me i might not be worth much for everyone i've met to consider how i would feel before they suddenly do things.

not just with you, but it made me realize that it's the same with everyone else. i havent met a person who considers how i feel before they do something and that's usually the common reason that repeatedly hurts me. people say what they did was a "mistake" but my feelings feel like they're never gonna be considered. i just look "too sensitive" to everyone and its always they "didnt know it would affect me like that" and i'd be dramatic if i feel too hurt over it.

this feeling im trying to deal with wasnt caused by you, but i think it's due to the repeated experience of getting hurt after people dont consider what i feel. a lot of people have hurt me the same way and i should be used to it atp. it just got triggered cause i trusted you too much again which is still my fault cause i should stop expecting too much.

mom says sorry about the awful stuff she said before cause she failed to consider how it would affect me, but im already far too hurt to still be capable of trusting words. and the time before you tried to kys, you did try telling me that you care about me. but after that, i'll see you suddenly disappear. please dont think na makapal muka ko for me to feel hurt over it cause you're not obligated to stay with me in the first place and it's my fault for getting too attached if i get hurt. pero that very thing where you said you cared, but after a few days suddenly disappear? made me lose the capability to trust that i really meant much to you and made me to further lose the capability to trust words too. cause your words sounded like you were saying you genuinely care and would stay with me even if i wouldnt be of use to you, but your actions made me feel like you did care but not enough to consider how i'd feel before doing things. again, im not trying to guilt trip you over it. i think i just need to admit that i was really hurt a lot.

whenever i experience people making me feel like they didnt consider how much i'll get affected by something they've done in the past, i lose the ability to trust that they actually care. since im aware that they're capable of doing something that has hurt me severely, what reason do i have to not fear they might do it again in the future?

and then my friends only like talking about themselves too. they suddenly get dry or just straight up show it to my face that they'll never care once i start talking about myself. that's why the slightest change in your tone scares the shit out of me and i randomly get triggered in fear that i might've done something wrong. that i might have annoyed you the same way and i might've done the same mistake that might've caused my former friends to get sick of me.

i might be unreasonable for instantly changing the way i perceive people and withdrawing my trust despite knowing that those people who've made me feel hurt never meant it, but i dont know how long i can continue ignoring how i really feel. even if i know that people didn't mean it, that they never intended for it to hurt me like that, it doesnt change the fact that im still hurt.

im gonna make it clear again that i dont hate you nor am i still angry about those things in the past. but i am still very much affected by those and they come back to haunt me. im so scared of trusting anyone or anything now. i still care about you, but it's just that the amount of trust i have for you isn't the same as before. and because of that, i dont want to get too close to you anymore. im already far too scared of getting hurt even further. i no longer feel safe expressing my love for you cause it just makes me anxious. i still care about you, but i dont think i'd be capable of showing that too much because i cant trust that it would be worth it. and also, i didn't freely express my love and adoration for you back then because i expected to gain it back. those were genuine, and all really expected was that my love would be safe in your hands. i thought i wouldnt be hurt and disappointed for choosing to do that even if it makes me so vulnerable, but i cant do that anymore even if i want to.

to be honest i dont know if i should keep staying with you since i know how easily i get triggered with you, but how the hell am i gonna do that when i have already loved and still love you? i sometimes try convincing myself that i hate you and that im just too attached to you. i try denying it because it hurts too much to still love someone that has already hurt me. it hurts to still crave for your attention and validation even after everything. it feels wrong to still want to spend time with you and keep loving you, to still want to consider you as the most special person to me when you're also one of those persons that have hurt me the most. but the fact that you're one of those persons that have hurt me the most isn't because you've done anything worse to me than other people have. it's still due to me trusting and expecting too much that i'd be safe with you that has made the small things you've done affect me more than it should've only had.

i dont want to consider cutting ties as an option again cause i always regret it. i cant seem to figure out if a big part of me is dependent on you that's why i still dont want to leave even if it hurts? i dont know if i just maybe need a lot of time to recover?

i am very sure though that i do not hate you, and i know that i will still choose to stay with you. if there's a way to get this fixed without cutting ties involved, i want it but i dont know how that's supposed to happen.

if i do take a break from talking to you, it leads me to getting consumed in doubt and i'll start making assumptions about you and cause how i see you get even more distorted. but if i do continue talking to you, i get more exposed to stuff that easily gets me triggered.

but even if you try to reassure me or repeatedly say that you care, you're genuine, or that you could be trusted, it just never works. i really cant trust words cause i never have anything that can prove it. maybe i can trust actions more than words, but we only talk through chat so i dont know if that can be done. and even if requesting for that would help me trust you back and not get too sensitive, i feel like it's too much to ask for. i'll just feel guilty over it. i'll feel like a burden cause why do you have to do that much just for the sake of helping me? it's gonna require too much of your patience and time, and i dont think i have the right to ask for that. i've never even done anything for you but get too sensitive over the smallest things and drag you into my own mess all because my mental state is so fucked up and i complicate everything.

i dont know if im just making assumptions, but i feel like you're slowly getting sick of me. i've been very reluctant to tell you everything i've said here cause i dont wanna ruin your day. i dont want to add up to your problems. im scared cause of how many times i've already broke down like this. im scared that telling you how i really feel will make you hate me.

i dont want to look like im playing the victim again if ever that's how it looks like while you're reading this, but all of what i said is half of how i really feel. don't worry cause the happy side i show when talking to you are still all genuine. these feelings i only confessed right now were the ones i try to hide because i fear that you wouldn't want to see them. these feelings i repress are only the stuff i feel after talking to you, after something accidentally triggers it. im scared that you might get angry or react violently if i admit that i got hurt, im scared that you might get offended.

i didnt say all of this to vent out the pain i feel on you. i just think i should let you know how i really feel. and also im not letting you know how i feel to gain a sorry or reassurance or anything else. i dont really need you to reply to this or do anything, but i just really want you to hear me out. i only said all of that because i wanted to be honest and i just hope it can clear up some things maybe?

although if you are getting sick of me, if i've been doing or if i've said stuff that you dont like, please tell me. please tell me if you still wont mind having me around or if you're no longer comfortable with me after everything i said here. sorry if this was way too long again to read btw

im not sure if im only feeling like this due to my period and i might regret saying all this to you, but its better to let you know than to hide how i feel

[spicycowboyhole]

posting because the psychicatrist decided to get sick when im having a crisis?:

idk where to start tbh LLOOL but i think im NOT DOING WELL. like on the outside evertytthings fine like nothings changed at all but i think im going insane. i think ive just realized how i have like 0 emotional suppoport system and whenever someone says something genuinely nice about me it makes me feel emotional because like i had family visiting this past week and my mom and my cousins tarted talking about college and my mom was saying how i wasted money going to college. i said that i didnt feel like i wasted my money becasue i have a degree now and i could always go back and get my bachelors but she said "BUT WHAT ARE U DOING EITH IT" and it just pissed me off because i feel like shes negating my accomplishment.

what made me cry last night was when i was messaging this guy and he was telling me about how he had class in the morning and we started talking about college. i told him how i was thinking about going back to school in january and he said i should.

for some reason i feel like getting my degree in psych would be cringe or a waste of time/money because my friend told me everyone she knows who did thinks so, like its some useless art degree. but when i asked this guy if it was cringe he said "so cringe... imagine having ambitions" im fucking stupid and didnt notice the sarcasm and i said "might as well start playing bucket drums on the street ig" because idk i guess i imagine getting a degree in psych would be just as dumb as someone trying to make it in the music business by playing on the street or something. he said "everyone thats going to college has ambitions. So in that case we all need to go play street bongos" and that perspective completely exploded my brain and i started crying LMAO because i guess going to college is a risk no matter what and u just have to believe in urself or some gay shit. it made me think of a taz cameo where he told someone that "nobody is gonna support your journey no matter how much they love you until youve proved to them that your journey was worth supporting" and that made me sad kinda because like i said i dont think i really have any kind of support from family rn and i kinda just have myself but i have like 0 confidence and negative self esteem and my family just being dissapointed in me and saying negative stuff really doesnt help. so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to trust and believe in myself because no one else will! really sucks i think. yeah but i only just started talking to that guy like YESTERDAY and im sure he prob felt like what he told me was nothing but it really did impact me and pulled the last tiny string that was emotionally holding me together. i apologized for being cynical and i told him i appreciated his words because i was kinda responding in a joking way that might have come off as rude i think? the silly bandaid just isnt working so good no more.

but fr i think while my anxiety is a lot better i think my depression is getting worse just due to my circumstances. like can u believe i almost went to the movies with some stranger internet guy just because i didnt want to be with my family?? i think somethings making me more impulsive than usual. i was going to buy cigarettes today and the only reason i didnt was because my appointment got canceled.

some other things tho i kinda didnt like having my cousins come visit because i just feel so inferior to them. like they look better and are just doing kinda all the stuff i should be doing yk? makes me feel shitty AND i feel like my mom just kinda infantilizes me like my parents treat me like nemo and i just cant do some things for some reason. its just so frustrating like my parents make me upset and i just want to move far away from them but also like they dont encourage me to do stuff on my own and when i try theyre like how are you even gonna do that you cant do that you have a bad fin like HELLO HELP ME FIX MY FIN THEN? I WOULDNT HAVE A BAD FIN IF YOU DIDNT HELP PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL BUT IT JUST SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF

i just dont want to be living here in like 5 years. thats a goal huh? if i had been asked where i wanted to be in 5 yrs when i was in high school id be like idk but i somehow managed to grow a goal somehow just out of misery i guess. and the steps are so cleaar in my head but then the voices tell me i cant do it because im scared BUT thats the point of life or something right??

jesus chhrososttt in reality nothing is really changing irl but im having some sort of crisis rn

ive even been trying to talk to boys LOL ive just been wanting some kind of escape from my life,, some independence, i want MY OWN LIFE that my mommy doesnt know everything about. i want to go to the movies with someone im not related to.

ok these paragraphes are all fucked up and i would fix it but i dont wanna go through and reread them

[mosviqu]

loved ur thoughts on it and i'm yet again glad to know that 2 out of 3 of our fav songs match again and i'm so glad it's a 20/10 album for u as well

tbh i only remember matthew talking so i'm not going to be a help here sadly💀💀

ERIC NEEDS TO HAVE LONGER PARTS I LOVE MY MAN SUNWOO LOVE HIS RAPS LOVE HIS VOICE BUT ERIC DESERVES TO SHINE AS WELL HE ALWAYS GET SO LITTLE PARTS💔 and i'm glad we did talk more about sunwoo😇 atleast it was worth it cuz of actor jihoon ig but the fact that only the last episodes were good😭😭 AND YAYYY IM HAPOY TO HEAR THAT🥳🥳

TBH IT WOULD BE CRAZY IF WE WOULD ACTUALLY END UP MEETING UP but if u need any help while u guys are here i am available to help anytime🫡

THE CLUB ONES WERE SO FUNNY I REMEMBER HOW THE TAEHYUN ONE AND THEIRS WERE AROUND THE SAME TIME AND I JUST LAUGHED SO HARD AT THEM (i remember seeing someone say "can't believe they are dancers and they move like this" i lost my shit actually) AND SO TRUE GOOD FOR HIM LMAO and now that u say that i follow an intak stan on tiktok AND SHE HASNT TALKED MUCH ABOUT JIM LIKE SHE USED TO (she also doesn't really make tiktoks that much and took like half off but we don't talk about that)

I DID WATCH IT!!! BAR!!!! I CANNNNOTT PUT MY FEELINGS INTO WORDS I LITERALLY ENDED UP ON THE FLOOR AFTER I WATCHED IT FOR THE FIEST TIME I JUST COULDNT TAKE MY EYES OF OFF JIHOON IT WAS SO BAD HIS FIT AND EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM WAS😭🤭 THE SONG🤌🤌🤌 THE CHOREOGRAPHY 🤌🤌 (but i did. feel a bit weird when i looked at junghwan doing al that .-.) and ever since it came out it has been my motivation to learn i'm just like okay i'm gonna finish this part and watch it again🤭 i am just so not ready for them to perform this like ever shsndbfn (liebestraum anon🥸)

SEE our taste in music actually matches for the most part 😭

still thinking of eric in kiss me if you can....and eric in general..... (i watched their vid w the fo squad today and girl let me tell u i think i fell in love with him ☹ you know me so well goodbye) also i wont talk abt sunwoo anymore bc he is yours only and i wont be a bad friend in this situation /j (i finished the bbam bbam social club series. literally 8h of staring at tipsy sunwoo. what did u expect to happen). ERIC DOESNT GET MANY PARTS ???? HAVE U HEARD THE MAN??????????????? JUSTICE FOR MY MAN.

omg im...so down actually ??? even tho i am SO awkward irl istg i think id die of anxiety but it would be so fun i think 😭😭 i still dont have the tickets so. we'll see hhhhh

NO BECAUSE TAEHYUNS CLUB WAS TOO DRY ISTG THAY WAS THE WORST ONE 😭😭 my man has to come to slovak clubs fr i'll show him how its done 🙄🙄 but also THEY HAVE SO MANY HONGDAE CLUBS AND HE WENT TO THE DRIEST ONE ??? 😭😭 but w the dancing part like how do u expect him to dance at a club he isnt gonna bust out the good boy gone bad choreo 😭😭😭 i mean at least shake ass a little i understand but dont expect big things 😭😭 also SEE im the most active intak stan confirmed (dont look that up) i need him to be my golden retriever boyfriend he's so pookie

on the topic of T5 move. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. jihoon's fit...lives in my mind rent free. like we knew he had abs and we did see them before but why did the sight affect me so much this time 😭 also i didnt even look at junghwan that much 😳 maybe for the best to not feel weird AHAHA i mean he is an adult but the 2 year age difference is providing a mental block for me to not see him in that way LMAO. we are NOT ready for the mv OR the live performance im afraid. plan my funeral friends ☹☹

[aceofspades-sml]

That's awesome! My mom loved her and before her untimely.. absence I'd never really looked much into her beyond getting my mom books at used book sales and thinking she must be good since my mom loved her so much. It was on my eventual to do list but not priority cuz you know there's always tomorrow and all that. Anyway I finally got an opportunity to see murder on the orient express for the first time. It was near my mom's hometown at a community theater (sorry for all my rambling) and it was amazing. It was well worth the wait. I wanna crack open those books and read some of her stuff now.

Side note I'll have you know I grinned like Cheshire cat when I saw you posted Cuz you're one of my favorite people.

Ahhhh okay! So I finally got the opportunity to talk to @justgotword and @queenofbrooklyn and some of the other super cool people! Apparently I've now been dubbed 'the anon' and people want me to come into their inbox which is just like cool but wild to me. I've never been wanted before. Tbh I didn't really have friends when I was young. I'm quiet and have social anxiety when I like something I know lots of facts and talk about it alot so I've been considered weird. I digress im super honored people seem to like my company.

Murder on the orient express is a really good one I'm glad you like it !!! Also yeah I'm very biased here since I love her but I would def recommend to give other books a try they are well worth it (btw tell me if you want recommandations or anything I love talking about those books )

Oh that's so cool !!! I'm super happy for you, I know what it's like to be considered weird so I'm really glad you found people to talk to, you deserve it < 33