#it's not a fucking contest of who has it worst first of all!! depression sucks no matter if it's its own disorder or a depressive episode

[julesnichols]

People with major depression saying they wish they got manic episodes so they'd feel better oh my god shut up shut up SHUT UPPPP!!!!!!!

[starkid256]

can i rant about how bad 2023 is for me rq?

ok so in the first couple of months of 2023 i was doing great. new year new me amiright. i was chillin on the crk wiki n shit and i wasnt doing very well in school but what can you do the us education system is flawed and nothing can fix it. i made a contest for people to draw strawberry crepe cuz that was the rage and all. once the deadline hit, i was ready to make the prizes.

i hit the biggest fucking roadblock in my life.

i just got hit with the worst burnout and depression i have ever had in my life. it took 11-12 days to write something with 1k words. this depression is still there. it pains me to even attempt to draw or write or anything. whatever, depression like this is very common. eventually, i moved on from the crk wiki and went to comic studio.

oh. comic studio. where do i begin?

to start off, if you dont already know, comic studio is a website to share comics. shocker i know. i met some friends on here from there. some of my moots i met from cs. and yet, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. there was drama left and right, mainly centering some specific sensitive users that ive blocked on here, there were people sending death threats and threatening to kill themselves every day. and i desperately told them that their lives had value. all of this drama and suicide baiting was absolutely murdering my mental health in cold blood, so when i broke my kindle screen, i had an episode where i nearly killed myself. no one saw. not anyone irl, not anyone online except for a friend who didnt take it seriously. i didnt really draw too much attention to it anyways. btw, all of this was happening while my dad ran off with my now stepmom and was dumb enough to put himself into a mentally abusive relationship. my mom, who i live with, hates those two so much. also my stepmom is queerphobic and has internalized conservativity.

i got tumblr as soon as i got my first phone, near the start of june. i love tumblr with all my heart, but it fucking murders your mental health nearly just as bad as cs. i mean, what do you expect from a website that makes you think that all the problems of the world are your fault? i have met great people here, but it still fucking sucks.

the real nail in the coffin was when a user on comic studio (who i have now blocked on tumblr) made a half baked shitty "callout post" on me. i will say, i did do something wrong that i apologized for afterwards, but everything else was past drama that they brought up even though i had already apologized for all of it. i apologized, and decided that i should leave comic studio. and so i did. keep in mind that all of this has been happening while my main family (which means excluding my dad and step mom) lives paycheck to paycheck.

now flash forward to the present. im on my phone for 14 hours a day on average laying on the couch scrolling through tumblr and watching youtube and playing roblox wishing i was dead. i have no one to blame for this behavior but myself. i would hope that the rest of 2023 is ok, but i already know i will have a horrible rest of the year. yeah this was a rly big rant. ily guys and i hope your 2023 was better than mine.

[qqueenofhades]

Okay, y'all. Time to do this one more time. Let the fact that there are so many of these posts right now reinforce the point. Many of you already know this, and I see and love you, but for anyone still ~undecided about their choice, should they be an American citizen of voting age on November 3, 2020:

Time to not be. It was time a long, long while ago, but I am going to have to say it again.

Primary season is over. The endless fine-tooth combing of candidates' policies and positions is over. We are all deeply well aware that the candidates on the Democratic ticket, being human beings and establishment politicians, are flawed. "BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS POSITION FROM 19/ 20-WHENEVER AS JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY IT'S TERRIBLE TO VOTE FOR -- "

No. Stop. Just stop. Stop threatening to hold the rest of us hostage, in the middle of a pandemic, the Great Depression, and racial inequality and protests on a scale not seen from the 1960s, because you did not get Barbie Dream Candidate. That is the behavior of terrorists and toddlers. If your supposedly enlightened morally pure ideology does not involve any action to mitigate the harm that is directly in front of you, it isn't worth a shit as an ideology actually devoted to helping people. If your approach to politics is to shout about how Pure your ideas are on twitter and tear down anyone working within a system of flawed choices to do the good that they can: you're not helping, and frankly, your constant threats to withhold your suffrage as a punishment to us aren't convincing the rest of us that we really need to listen to you or that you have anyone's best interests at heart. The Online Left TM is as much a vacuous, self-reinforcing noise chamber as the Online Right TM, and can sometimes tend to be even more dangerous.

I was saying this in 2016. A lot of us were saying this in 2016. I am just about to turn 32 years old and have been voting in federal elections for almost 15 years. For what it's worth.

This is not an ordinary election. This is not a contest between two flawed candidates who respect the system and want to work to enact their policies in the ordinary way. One is a flawed 90s era Democrat who nonetheless has already been pushed CONSIDERABLY left in his policies and platforms since the end of the primaries (and his existing platform would already make him the most left president elected, even more than Obama). The other is a fascist dictator who has openly spoken about refusing to accept the election results, his desire to abolish term limits and serve for life, and complete the pillaging of any remaining fragile American public funds for him and his cult of cronies. He does not respect the system. He does not want to do anything for anyone that is not himself. 160,000 and counting needless deaths of American citizens have already happened. Will keep happening.

This is the last time Trump has to face voters. This is the last chance the country has to repudiate his entire poisonous ideology and its marching Nazi minions. IF he steps aside, which is already far from guaranteed, he can ride off into the sunset as a vindicated two term president and probably be rehabilitated like George W. Bush was within a few years of leaving office. American political memory is very short. It will happen. Again, if he even leaves.

RBG is 87 and has cancer again. She will NOT survive another four years. Stephen Breyer is 81. Their seats could both come up in the next four years. The Supreme Court could be a right wing rubber stamp for whatever time we all have left before climate change and coronavirus kill us all.

"But if people just thought for themselves and did their homework and didn't vote the party line like sheep, we could support a third party/write in -- " Stop. Just stop. Attend a ninth grade civics class and learn about how politics work in America. Yes, the two-party system sucks. Yes, the Electoral College is a hot steaming pile of absolute bullshit. Magical unicorn fairy dust fantasies WILL NOT change that.

Do not vote for Kanye (who has pretty much openly admitted he is trying to play spoiler to Biden on behalf of his buddy Trump). Do not vote for godforsaken fucking Gary Johnson or Jill Stein who appear on ballots just to give sanctimonious leftists the illusion of virtue-signaling. If you want any chance of fixing the mess that 2020 has left America and the world in, you need to vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. The end.

Biden is a flawed old man who was our last choice, sure. He is also a distinguished public servant who has already been in the White House for eight years under Obama and thus we KNOW what to expect. He is an empathetic man who connects with people's personal tragedy and picked as his running mate a younger Black/biracial woman who directly confronted and called him out on past behavior. While the pundit class was simpering and whining about how it was Disrespectful and how could he consider her, Biden did so, and that speaks well to me of the fact that he is willing to learn, to take criticism, and not just accept it from a former Black female rival, but make her his second in command and the potential first female president of the United States.

Can you EVER picture Trump doing that? Not in eight thousand million years.

As for Kamala, we are all aware of her previous checkered history as a prosecutor (and even then, she did plenty of good things as well!). Since joining the Senate, however, she has consistently become one of its most progressive members. She is the co-sponsor of an economic aid package designed to give every American $2,000/month, backdated to March (the start of the coronavirus pandemic) and continuing at least a few months after its end. A Biden-Harris White House could make that happen. Especially if they are put into office with a Democratic House and Senate (for the love of God, Kentucky, kill Mitch McConnell with fire). That is just one example.

Harris's nomination is obviously historic. And Biden didn't choose another Biden (or another Tim Kaine, the blandest white man imaginable). He chose another Obama: a younger rising star of an immigrant background, a person of color, a former lawyer and someone who represents the diversity of the country that the white supremacists and the Cheeto in Chief have tried to paint as its worst and most degenerate evil.

A vote for Biden and Harris means getting rid not just of Trump, but Mike Pence, Vladimir Putin, Jared Kushner, Betsy Devos, the Trump crony destroying the Postal Service, the rampant coronavirus misinformation and bullshit, the destruction of Social Security and Medicare, the spread of Nazi propaganda from the President's twitter account, the likely two Supreme Court picks that would be as bad as Brett Kavanaugh or worse... on and on. Biden and Harris would be elected by progressive voters and thus answerable to them in 2022 midterms and 2024 general. They can both be, and already have been, pushed further left. They are reasonable and competent adults who have demonstrated experience and compassion. I KNOW about their flaws and past actions I don't agree with. But I'm frankly done with any more counterproductive straw man bitching about This One Bad Thing They Did and how it makes it a terribad awful choice to vote for them. Open your eyes. Look at the alternative. LOOK AT WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED AND THE FACT THAT THIS IS NOT EVEN AS BAD AS IT COULD STILL GET.

Check your registration or register at vote.gov.

DO NOT LOOK AT POLLS AND DECIDE "EH BIDEN IS CLEARLY GOING TO WIN, I DON'T NEED TO VOTE." THAT IS HOW WE LOST LAST TIME.

Unseating incumbents is HARD. It is even harder when the other side has openly laid out their plan to cheat in great detail, and there is nothing really stopping them from doing it. The only thing, in fact, is massive, unfalsifiable results on an undeniable scale.

So:

Vote.

Vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

Thanks a lot.

[buckevantommy]

'(Un)Happiest Season' review

Simply put, it wasn't enjoyable as a romance or a comedy or a Christmas flick. It failed on many fronts, but this reviewer from Salon.com puts the thing into words for Happiest Season's main failings: 

What's bad: There were two main criticisms of "Happiest Season." The first being: Can't LGBTQ audiences have a holiday movie where the main plot isn't about mining the anxiety and trauma associated with coming out, being closeted and casual homophobia? Then there's the fact that Harper really is just kind of the worst. After pushing Abby back in the closet, Harper ditches her in a town where she doesn't know anyone to go drink with her ex-boyfriend until two in the morning, then proceeds to call Abby "suffocating" when called on it. It's a pattern of s**ty behavior that is pervasive and present throughout the movie, so her redemption arc doesn't feel super genuine. 

Why can't we have main queer characters in Christmas movies without their presence being all about their queerness? We want fluffy festiveness, dammit! They could've made Harper less selfish and more attentive while still playing into the *I'm not out yet Because Reasons so we need to hide our gay relationship* trope, but they didn't. Who knows why, but what a waste. 🎄👩‍❤️‍👩☃️

^ Look at that trailer and tell me you don't expect Misunderstandings with fun and tropey antics + Domestic Christmas Shenanigans + Comfort for Hurt! You will be sorely disappointed. 😞 

NOTE: The flick does have a few good moments. And it's probably worth the watch just to see what's missing/mishandled when it comes to queer characters and queer romances in mainstream movies. 

But it's not really fun or funny or heart-warming - where are the snowball fights? Insightful conversations? Christmas elements like eggnog/spiced wine, candycanes, mistletoe? Where are the many colourful side characters and the hungover brunches? We get one scene of ice-skating for a few minutes and it's wasted on sibling rivalry bs rather than, say.. Abby and Harper skating together but not being aloud to touch—omg the tension!! 😍 

There's just not enough comfort for the hurt Abby (Kstew) goes through; the film wholly lacks those warm-n-fuzzy Christmas vibes; there's just way more wrong with it than is right with it - which sucks, because this had the potential to be such a great movie if only Harper was written as less ignorant/selfish and we'd gotten more enjoyable family interactions and more festive fun - like a celebration in town. Instead we get a few limited shots of the adorable town, a crappy bar, and an OTT fancy Christmas party for performative rich white folk on a career path for power and "perfection" (ie. wholesome family values). 

The story they went with was definitely better suited for a dramatic film, so in a romcom setting it really didn't work. Plus the side-characters were flat; we needed more depth from the supporting characters, more meaningful interactions. 

^ Look at those intro credits!! Look at all the domestic happy moments and tell me you don't want to see a movie filled with such fluffy festive goodness!! Well, if you don't want to see such moments, don't worry because you won't. I naturally thought we were going to get this kind of romantic-and-non-romantic happiness dispersed throughout the entire film, but no. Not a one. There's 5 minutes of Happy Couple at the start, and that's it 📸☹️ (unless you count a photo collage of the happy ending and year that follows stuffed into the end credits). 

BTW: That intro song is the most Christmasy song in the whole movie. The soundtrack features modern pop songs which 1) don't help set the festive vibe and 2) are really fucking annoying; the song choices are grating, not pleasant, not enjoyable, and they overpower the scenes with a whole lotta noise. I really wish we'd gotten more tunes like the one above. 🎶 

About the image below—Abby is actually miserable the entire time, getting worse by the day, barely a smile seen on her.. while Harper is the one schmoozing her family and contacts with teeth bared, so.. this image isn't what you'll get, just fyi:

(also: the only POC actors they had were the perfectionist-stone-faced-bitch's husband and his girlfriend - wife + hubby being secretly separated.) 

The things that the Salon reviewer liked are the same things I did (see below), but imho even those elements weren't enough to save this film from being: 

an infuriating 102 minute-comedy of errors buoyed by a healthy dose of gaslighting 

More cons of the flick are pointed out by denofgeek.com: 

Some of its issues come from the structure of the film, which shoehorns very real queer struggles into wacky rom-com tropes too fluffy to contain the stakes at hand. Meanwhile the choice to have one half of the lead couple be so aggressively and repeatedly cruel—while her high school ex Riley, played by the ever-perfect Aubrey Plaza was standing right there having all the chemistry in the world with the other romantic lead—was a fatal one.

It really was a dramatic plot idea crammed into a fluffy narrative. You can see the conflicting genres fighting to stay alive and they both die a slow, agonisingly dull death throughout the film. The whole *Abby being converted to loving Christmas by Harper inviting her to spend the holidays with her family* thing, only to have Harper force their relationship + Abby into the closet. Straight conversion much? I'm 100% sick of heteronormative bs in my queer Christmas films. 

For the most part, when you're not feeling for Abby's harsh treatment by her would-be fiance and everyone but Riley ignoring her completely, you will be bored af from the lack of festive cheer - not just twinkle lights and boisterous seasonal music, but those good ol' homey family Christmas vibes. With the Harper house + family members, everything's a performance, so that lack of sincerity and warmth makes for a depressing viewing experience: 

^ Jane (one of Harper's 2 sisters) is the only character allowed to be consistently genuine in the narrative (aside from John, but he's restricted mostly to phonecalls, and Riley - but even she's keeping Harper's secrets). Jane is the only character who is naturally vibrant and reminds us of some of the reasons we get excited about Christmas movies: to feel joy and to enjoy the company around us during the holiday season! 🎄☃️🥳 But rather than give us a fun day out with Jane + Abby, we get Abby + the second sister (i don't even remember her name, just BitchFace) which leads to more bad treatment of Abby - this time by two spoiled af no-smile rich kids. *le sigh* Jane carries the spark of honest joy for the entire Harper clan and that is TOO MUCH to expect of one character, let alone a side-character. 😪 

There are so many ways the story could've been tweaked to make more sense and be somewhat enjoyable, including: 

The orphan!Abby thing is just bad. Rather than give Abby a voice, chances to let her personality shine, almost everyone interacts with her to merely briefly express their condolences for her long-dead parents 🙄 

Abby is a pet-minder, ie. she's an animal lover, yet at no point do we see her interact with animals! Not a dog or cat or hamster, no reindeer at the petting zoo, nothing. 🐕🐈🦎🦜🐠

Riley + Abby getting together (even just a kiss) 👄 

Abby + Harper separating so Harper can get her shit together - and then we get several flashforward shots of them separately living their lives (Harper especially), and then meeting back up again - maybe the next holiday season, after some much-needed time apart 🏃‍♀️🤸‍♀️ 

side characters who engage with Abby in a sincere, meaningful way instead of ignoring her (again, we got Riley, but she was outside of the family dynamic) 😊 

MORE FESTIVE CHEER! where were all the staple Christmassy passtimes, the smile-inducing season-specific experiences??? 🎉 

More from denofgeek: 

Where the script gets into trouble is that it doesn’t distinguish between Harper being closeted and her poor treatment of Abby. The two are separate issues and treating them as one does no favors to Harper, nor others struggling with the closet. As Dan Levy’s beautiful monologue late in the movie alludes to, the closet is a safety mechanism—but it’s not a free pass to treat people like garbage. [...] 😟🏳️‍🌈

Even a brief conversation teasing out that being in the closet doesn’t justify how Harper acted, and that plenty of people in the closet don’t treat others like trash, would have been important. Instead once Harper is out (which the movie takes pains to make clear only happened because Harper’s sister Sloane outed her), and a gesture so small it could never credibly be called grand is made, all bad behavior is washed away. [...] 😤🙅‍♀️ 

The jarring underlying issue is that 'Happiest Season' attempts to apply the standard rom-com and made-for-TV-holiday-movie tropes to queer life. So Abby having to go back into the closet isn’t framed as a painful regression or being forced to deny an essential part of herself, but rather a fun twist, in the vein of “but the guy she insulted on the plane is the owner of the ornament factory she has to impress to win the Christmas contest!”🚪😒 

All of Harper’s behavior adds up to making her feel like something the audience wants Abby to be free of, not someone Abby should be fighting for. Once Riley tells Abby about Harper’s cruelty in high school, where Harper outed Riley and mocked her rather than standing up for her or finding an excuse that protected them both, it becomes incredibly difficult to root for the lead couple to get back together, or for Harper at all. 👏💃 

With this information, Harper’s other transgressions go from frustrating to part of a larger pattern. Sadly, it’s a pattern Harper repeats when her sister outs her and she throws Abby under the (lesbian) bus. 🤬 

FAVE THINGS: 

all interactions between John (Dan Levy) + Abby (he's witty, honest, and 100% the most entertaining element of the entire film; i wish we'd gotten more of him) 😆 

Riley (Aubrey Plaza, Harper's ex) + Abby's scenes together because CHEMISTRY, both between the characters and the actors 👩‍❤️‍👩

Notable between Abby + Riley scenes include 3 instances of Riley comforting Abby's hurt: outside at the fancy party (Abby feeling excluded/ignored/not worth anyone's time due to the way they treat her even though they don't know she's gay), at a gay bar in town (sandwiched by scenes where Abby's made to feel like crap by Harper), and at the fancy home Christmas party where Riley gets Abby something stronger to drink after hearing Abby was going to propose to Harper (but it's been a helluva shitty week and those plans are dead) 👭 

Every scene with Riley was blessed relief from the hurt and discomfort and boredom of the rest of the time with Harper's family. 🤩 

Sister Jane, for being a genuinely fun character 🤗 who was written starkly different to her family and treated somewhat like an outcast 

Aubrey + Kstew killin it in various pantsuits 👀 

In contrast, Riley connects Abby to queerness, bringing her to an LGBTQ bar to decompress and enjoy a Christmas-themed drag performance. It’s the most relaxed and comfortable Abby is on screen since the opening scenes, a chance to glimpse Abby’s authentic self before Harper summons her back to heterosexuality, and where she once again ignores and disappoints her. Riley actually talks to Abby at the various holiday parties whereas Harper keeps leaving her to please her family, especially her father. It’s not hard for the natural chemistry between Plaza and Stewart to take over

I wouldn't watch this film again. For a hopeful Christmasy love story I'd just watch all Abby + Riley's scenes: 

In closing, here's a batshit article title from observer.com that just makes you go, huh? 🧐:

‘Happiest Season’ Isn’t Happy, But That Doesn’t Make It a Bad Rom-Com

Um.. yes, yes it does. 

Rom-Coms are supposed to be fun, light-hearted stories about love even when the plot deals with lying - The Proposal, Sweet Home Alabama - so a movie that leaves you hurting more than comforted in sympathy with one of the main characters because the (apparent) love of their life is treating them like shit, then it doesn't deserve to be in the genre of Rom-Com. 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨💞🎬

In summary, Abby and Harper got 5 minutes of happiness in the beginning, and an eventual happy ending after a super rocky middle. The journey was painful and unenjoyable, and it made their happy ending unbelievable and, for Harper, undeserved because of her behaviour through 90% of the story. 

In short: it was not, in fact, the happiest season. 😕👎

[buzzworddotie]

A little (not quite) Anxiety Ramble

Do something! Do SOMETHING! Don’t stop doing something!

Welcome to 2020.

It won’t stop, my brain will not shut off. We’ve been in lockdown for… to be honest off the top of my head I can’t even get dates right but I’ve been in isolation mode, working from home for about 4 weeks now maybe?

On week 2, I became more lethargic than I ever have in my life, I withdrew from any contact with other people, my brain was in a fog, I couldn’t focus. My muscles were tired and refusing to function and my energy was entirely zapped.

I managed to pull myself out of that by attempting to not guilt myself for eating that bowl of carb loaded cereal or allowing myself to rationalise that it’s OK to just watch a movie.

But here I find myself in that cloudy little place again. My anxiety is in such a way that my brain refuses to shut down and my motivation is becoming a precious commodity that I’m unsure of how exactly to keep it in a steady flow.

When the anxiety kicks in like this for me, I stress and worry about every and any thing. Things entirely out of my control, other people, how I am perceived, why I am not now or have ever been good enough for anything or anyone. 

My rational brain packs its bags and heads for the door as I stare in the mirror and hate everything I see looking back. My doubts, my insecurities, my shame - every dark little voice that can be mustered up gets louder and louder.

And so I overthink every action I make, I try too hard to impress a version of myself on people. I try too hard to force anyone who might give a shit that I am in fact OK! And you know there’s nothing saner than someone screaming “I’M OK!!” directly into another person's face manically.

Sleeping is the worst, or in my case not sleeping. It doesn’t matter how tired I may or may not be, I can be assured that as soon as I lay my head down that anxiety demon comes alive.

I cannot remember the last time I slept for a solid 7 - 8 hours. I can recall what it feels like to be at complete odds and ends at 4am because it’s happening every goddamn night!

Is this a symptom of what is happening in the world right now or is it just an exemplification of how screwed up I might actually be? These are the beautiful thoughts which haunt my brain in between scrolling through Twitter or Reddit, telling myself to not scroll through Twitter or Reddit and then, you know, casually reminding myself that I will never be good enough for whatever the fuck I think I should be good enough for!

I’ve always been a bit of an introverted extrovert, or am I an extroverted introvert? I’m not sure, the point is I’ve never had a problem being a bit “isolated”. I’m quite happy in my own company and just pondering about, in my own little world doing whatever silly things I decide to do with myself. However, that world of mine was always interrupted with everyday interactions - people I work with, the ability to visit someone and general activities which we just take for granted.

I’m starting to even question if I am as introverted as I liked to think I was at all! I told myself that being locked down wasn’t a big deal for me, not a massive shift in my life. I’m single, I live alone… Just a real wholesome and healthy picture there! “I’m OK!!!”

First World Problems.

One thing about me I’ve known since childhood is that I love my independence. I was told by my parents growing up I was the most independent of all my siblings. There is a sense of freedom that comes with independence and I think losing that is throwing me for a bit of a loop.

The freedom and independence to just make a decision to do something in the moment and being able to just do it. Even the smallest, stupidest of things like going for a browse in a shop. Such a boring and mundane activity but an activity that clearly ticked some kind of box for my mind.

Of course, I am wary of banging on about this word “freedom” but allow me to state, I do not mean freedom with the gusto of some hardcore, right wing, gun toting Murican (Or the Irish lady, she whom shall not be named… We all know).

No, I’m not trying to suggest my first world concept of freedom is being threatened on some conspiracy level, I accept the merit in the fact that for a period of time we have to do what’s best for the greater good. But jaysus, it’s not easy at times is it?

Without the fundamental freedoms which I take for granted as everyday life it’s as if my brain is being withheld vital nutrients for it to operate full steam ahead. Don’t get me wrong, this anxiety trip isn’t a new phenomenon for me, I know the bitch well, but I had such a great grip on things and I think the hardest part for a minute there was trying to figure out how I was allowing it all to spiral so ferociously when I know I have the tools to not do that.

It also bothers me because I am, by nature, incredibly laid back and positive. I flip between Energizer Bunny, Everything is Awesome and easily passing for a hippie stoner on my good days. So seeing myself behave erratically at times now makes me not recognise or like the person I am having to live with during this lockdown! Her neediness and desire to please is very, very off putting to me.

But maybe I just need to let her be a little bit, maybe I just need to let her know that it is fine. It is fine if a momentary lapse in the mind causes a mini freak out which embodies itself as wanting to just shut down, it is fine if she does just go a bit OTT at times with people to overly compensate for how weak and low she is feeling. It’s fine.

It is fine. Once you recognise that that’s all it is, it does not lessen your worth to behave in a way you might later regret and it does not lessen your value if you allow your insecurities or vulnerabilities to sneak through every now and then. You just have to hope that whoever is lucky enough to get the brunt of your vulnerability can appreciate the value in getting a taste of it at all. Because that right there, that vulnerability, that is a precious thing which is not afforded to many, if any at all. 

It is the most beautiful aspect of humanity, to be vulnerable. And it is really fucking hard to let go of. Vulnerability takes an incredible amount of strength, it’s a feather that keeps on floating through regardless of how much dirt and debris gets attached to weigh it down. It is delicate and strong all at the same time. 

And for me, it is terrifying to let that wall down. It feels frightening to think for a moment I let someone see weakness or gave a hint that I, with all my positivity and strength and being there for other people, could have a moment of weakness. It cracks the veneer of who I want to pretend I am.

Meet my friend, Anxiety.

Anxiety has been an under current which has existed within me since my childhood but something I only recognised as I began to get older and, yes, get help. Speaking to a professional allowed me the opportunity to begin to understand myself and learn about myself, gain self awareness.

Where I am now compared to where I was back then are completely opposed. At its worst, I was consumed by my anxiety and all the other little niggly things which tortured my brain. It all manifested in self-hate usually, maybe hate is a strong word but certainly a really strong dislike of myself! I would allow that to spin in circles in my mind until I was lost in it and trying to fix a million and one things about myself and others which really, was all very surface or non-existent.

The difference today is that I can, at last, recognise it. I can see the signs, at times I am deep within them and it takes a step back to shake it off and see it but at least I can find it within myself to rationalise and take that step back.

It doesn’t make it easy, there is nothing easy about managing mental health in the same sense there is nothing easy about managing physical health. If I want that toned stomach I will have to feel the burn and it has to work the same for mental health too!

Jesus, it is not easy at times. I will always remember an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race in which the contestant Katya suffered severely from debilitating anxiety. During a walk through Ru asked the Queen if she was, in fact, addicted to the anxiety. This registered with Katya and as time has gone by and that interaction replays in my own mind, I realise it often registers for me too.

When it is all you know, you can easily become all consumed by the anxiety, the worry, the stress and you can get sucked right down into it. And you can find a level of comfort within that discomfort, it’s recognisable and it can feel easier to submit yourself to it than seek out the light and pull yourself back from it.

When I break it down I can see the various triggers for my anxiety:

Opening up and being vulnerable = Opening myself up for rejection.

Feeling like I cannot help = Opening myself up for failure.

Failure, rejection = Not good enough. 

Attempting to improve and increase my self worth is really something that I never understood was such an issue for me, mostly because the concept of “self worth” was never something that even showed up on my radar. But guess what? It’s a thing! 

Self love is not about having an over inflated and delirious ego, it is about recognising that you do have worth as a human being. Recognise yourself as a human being.

Oh god, she’s going to talk about her childhood...

So, why is it that I may not have always recognised myself as a human being, worthy of care and love? Well, I will refrain from the details that will cause my very being to quiver but I was raised in a home in which I received a lot of love, but it was unstable. Arguments, raised voices, depression and a lack of seeing love between my parents. A tumultuous family backstory which, while I was not in existence for much of it, carried a heavy cloud over all proceedings. I was in existence for difficult times with siblings and parents who butted heads constantly. 

I was a witness, I was shielded from being on the receiving end for the most part but I still stayed awake at night waiting for things to take a turn for the worse. I jumped at nothing and everything, like a scared little mouse. I was reserved and private with friends, I held the problems into myself and did not expose anyone to it. 

As well as this, I faced a level of mental, physical and, like so many other girls and women out there, sexual abuse. I won’t delve into all the details but it seems like some sick, twisted joke that once you are forced to be subjected to this as a child, you do not recognise the issue with it which leaves you vulnerable for it again as you mature into an adult and set off on your own.

This is because your self worth has been destroyed. So when you see ladies coming to the fore as part of #MeToo or another movement, or no movement at all, don’t be so quick to judge. These ladies have likely held their tongue because their self worth has been so low that until they became exposed to others discussing it they didn’t even realise what had happened to them.

I won’t dwell too long on that, I could spend a long time dissecting it but it isn’t for now.

I will note, neither of my parents were responsible for that abuse. However, what my beautiful, kind and lovely parents were responsible for was me and as much as it absolutely kills me to have to admit, there were failings. Aside from generally being exposed to an unhappy home, as a child I was used to bridge the gap. Something which ran into my adulthood.

If my father was angry, upset or, as I now reflect and realise, in a spiral of depression it was my responsibility to pick him out of it. From a young age, I was the fixer - a tool to try to make things better. 

Until I actually discussed this with a professional I never saw the problem here, everything was normalised to me, but apparently not great! It’s a lot of pressure to put on a child!

Add into that a complex / chip on my shoulder of never being as good as an older sibling, whom I perceived as the ‘golden child’, feeling like I had to keep things hurting me hidden for fear of disrupting an already disruptive home for which I felt responsible for keeping the peace or holding together and well, you get yourself a nice little stew that is a recipe for absolute fucked up adulthood!

Honest Reflection.

How could I ever expect to grow into a well developed individual? The balance of genuine love I did receive from my parents is what I believe kept me from falling down an even more desperate track, a track which I pondered along on many occasions. A dark road with flickering lights where the allure of escape was often far too real.

However, my internal commentary of having to be responsible for others actually kept me from ending it on many occasions as I could not release the feeling of not wanting to let anyone down.

Jesus, unpack this shit and it’s an absolute shit show! But I don’t claim to be special or unique, the sad reality is how many people went through a similar journey or worse and are now in their early to mid adulthood and attempting to get to grips with it all. And that’s only if they managed to find the tools and resources to recognise it in the first place.

Recognise that 1. You are not mental and 2. You are not a terrible human being. 

I can’t speak to anyone else but clearly I have lacked the tools to manage or cope with my emotions. Anything outside of my control freaks me out and I lose the absolute run of myself! I panic, I seek out approval and validation and often in unhealthy ways. I have had eating disorders which I have been in denial about, I have drank too much, gone off the rails and slept with far too many people! 

What now? What triggered my writing, which has evidently turned into an unintentional essay about myself (fair play if you’ve made it this far, you’re a better person than me).

I recognised irrational behaviour and a deep dip in my mood as well as an increase of self critical behaviours. That was when I began writing, this is now the future, or present, or wait, is this inception? I’ve incepted myself, just know as you read now a couple of days have passed.

And it took those couple of days for the lightbulb to click on but better late than never! 

Let there be Light!

I began writing this aimlessly as a means to just put my thoughts down and that was a step in the direction of realising I had to do something. I am now slowly picking myself back up from it all.

First step, I went to the chemist and I just asked what can you give me for anxiety, I am not sleeping, I have not had a proper night sleep in close to two weeks or more - I asked for…… Help!

Gulp, scary, try it sometime.

The Pharmacist gave me a product called “Avena Sativa” (check it out). I added 20-30 drops to a little bit of water and it immediately relaxed and eased my mind. I took more before bed and baby, when I say I slept! Pure, deep, joyful sleep - all the z’s.

But wait, there’s more! Thinking I might as well hit this from all angles, I also grabbed some Vitamin D supplements and began retaking my B-12. I don’t know if one or all of these things did the trick but I can certainly feel the easing effects.

So that’s the taking stuff, but that isn’t all I did - Oh no, that would be too short for me!

I knew I really needed to hit this hard if I wanted to pull myself out of the hole I could eventually be down deep within. I’m a fan of meditation, I get that some skeptical people might huff it off as new age hippie nonsense or whatever, but it can work. Youtube has a host of wonderful meditation videos and for me, switching off from the world and onto one of those helps me massively. 

Additionally, I stopped hanging out of my phone, for the best part at least. I have a bit of anxiety with my phone (of course I do). I went through a period of time where my phone was a bearer of bad news, any phone call could have been bad news and eventually, it was. I realised I find it hard to let go of that, the idea that if I do not have my phone on me and with sound on 24/7 I risk not getting an important piece of news, I risk letting someone down or not being there as I should be.

Should = dangerous word. Don’t let ‘should’ govern your life or mind. Every ‘should’ is an expectation and additional level of stress you are putting on yourself. Best advice I received was to replace ‘I should’ with ‘I want to’ and see what the end result becomes.

Let’s wrap this up.

All in all, this is a time that can lead those susceptible to anxiety, and even those who are not typically, to find themselves in the mental trenches. It’s imperative to look at yourself from the outside and attempt to recognise what might be the deep rooted cause of what is effing you up. Do you really hate your body right now or is your self worth a bit low because of some other reason that deserves to be addressed?

Maybe consider going a bit easy on yourself? Don’t beat yourself up over that response or message that you regret. Don’t assume you can control others, just be yourself. Speak your truth at any given time and allow yourself that beautiful release of scary, scary vulnerability. 

Don’t run from it or beat yourself up over every and any little interaction or negative thought, give yourself a break and pull yourself out of the addiction of dark thoughts. Seek out help, ask for help - even if you are just asking yourself. Make healthy choices that will have a knock on effect of making you feel good about yourself or happy in your decision.

It is far from easy, but again, nothing worth having in this life is ever easy. But then the end result, when you push through and put in that effort - it is so, so very worth it to be able to have that moment of that day when you actually don’t doubt yourself or hate yourself.

I will keep motoring along with my own work and efforts and I ask that you do the same, if you find yourself in that dark place. Push through and don’t give up on yourself, you’re all you’ve got and that’s a pretty amazing thing to have.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #245

“i fell asleep at the wheel again, crashed my car just to feel again.”

What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over the appropriate amount of eye contact I make. What color is your mp3? Hot pink. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeup. Is there a song or lyrics currently super-glued in your head? "Popular Monster" by Falling In Reverse FUCK What can you go a day without doing? Uhhh a lot? I dunno... oh, drink water because I suck at that gah. I've gotten a lot better than I used to be tho. What can’t you go a day without doing? Touching some form of technology. Who do you spend most of your time with? Myself. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? Treat others with kindness. Are you any good at reading someone's body language? I definitely think so. What type of art would you hang up in your room? Lol I have some of my own... but let's say it was a clean slate again. I'd put some macabre/gothic art of some sort up, probably. Of COURSE with meerkats making an appearance. What fruit is too sweet to you? Hm, I'm blanking. What was the last contest you have ever won: Uhhhh... I think the giveaway of two Silent Hill: Revelation things? That was forever ago. What was the worst hair cut you have ever had in your entire life: Looking back, the haircut I had before this one (short on the left, faded into still rather long on the right) I don't really like anymore. Looks fine in some pictures, but not most. What was the worst thing you have ever worn in your life: Oh I don't know. Probably some dance costume. Do you like any sort of animes: Yeah, a handful. I'd honestly like to watch more. Have you ever used someone for your own benefits: I don't think so. What is the worst cartoon you have ever seen: Oh boy, idk. There's some dumb ones, a lot that I've only seen peeks of. Do you like to type or write more: TYPE. Writing physically can easily make my carpal tunnel act up. I hated having to hand-write a few essays last semester... I had to stop frequently to roll my wrists and cringe and stuff. What color would you have your skin if you could change it: I'd like pale skin like I have, but I wish it was more flawless/porcelain-ish. SOOOOOO pretty ahahhhhhhhhahhhhhh Do you usually cook your own meals, or does someone cook for you: I usually have to throw something together in the microwave because Mom's barely home, but when she is home, she cooks. If someone cooks for you, do you always thank them for it: YES. YES. NOT SAYING ANYTHING IS SO FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL. What do you do during the day: Almost without question, SOMEthing on technology/usually computer. As for what I do on technology, boy, a lot a lot. I don't even feel like listing it all. When you are online what do you normally find yourself doing: ... Oh, lmao. Uhhh binging YouTube, writing on or just checking up on KM, dA browsing/cleaning my drowning inbox, Facebook, "working" at the SH and SotC wikis, playing games, roaming Tumblr, check my emails, uhhhhhhh,,,, What is the most hated item you own: I wouldn't... keep it if I hated it? Uhhhh yeah, I honestly don't know. What is your favorite item you own out of all the items you have: My iPod, really. I have over 1k songs on this old-ass nano that I've had since middle school. I guess my laptop is kinda tied, but idk. Like, I don't love this laptop itself, just that it allows me to go online at a decent speed lmao. I guess they're my favorites in different ways. So, do you think that you will get where you want in life currently: Not stopping pushing for it 'til I get it. Why is that so. May I ask: I'm "too" determined. It's been a struggle getting to even where I am, but FUCK, I'm getting there. Do you like Halloween: I can't fwu if you don't. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not to my recollection. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? Personally, I think a simple peck is fine IF that's your thing and it's mutually understood that it's platonic. Ex., I know greeting kisses are normal in some cultures, and I see no reason to shame it so long you're not like making out. Is it okay for girls to hit boys? Fuck no. Unless you're like fighting off an assailant/defending yourself, NO gender hits ANYONE. Do you know a lot of attractive boys personally? I've never thought about it? I'm not gonna dig through all the people I know rn... What happens if you realized you had a crush on somebody? More than anything, I'd be scared of being hurt again, particularly if it's a guy. So I definitely wouldn't make the first move. Do you think you are attractive? No. Which two of your friends would have the cutest baby together? I don't know. How do you feel about your naked body? DON'T COME AT ME WITH THIS QUESTION GO AWAY Have you ever been called obnoxious? No. At least, not to my memory. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No, but a more close-knit one. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. If somebody smacks your butt, you automatically say: I wouldn't say shit, I'd turn around and smack them across the face. How often does your family life conflict with your social life? Pretty much never. Have you ever been emotionally abused? No, thankfully. Do small children like you? They seem to, I guess. If karma is really true, should you be worried? Not very. What makeup do you wear on a daily basis? None. Do you have anything hidden in your room? Yeah, some saved money. What do you wish you were doing right now instead of this? It'd be great to talk to Sara. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? Oh I'm going to the fucking hospital for that epidural fren. If I even wanted kids. What was the last thing you ordered online? Uhhh good question. Have you ever had a bad experience with anti-depressants? If so, what? Well, actually the entire time I was ON anti-depressants. Because I'm bipolar, anti-depressants actually ramp up the aggression of bipolarity symptoms. How, I don't recall the science of, but I trust every word that comes out of my psychiatrist's mouth for many reasons. That definitely happened. One also made me gain weight, and the worst instance was in middle school when I was briefly on one that made me SO fucking hyper and happy in the morning but I crashed into an absolute bitchy monster by mid-afternoon. Now a combination of mood stabilizers helps both my bipolarity and depression immensely and are the main reason I'm alive. Are you allergic to any plants? I mean, I'm allergic to pollen. Are you an outdoors person? If the weather is cool, I love it. Does your past bother you? Some parts of it. Do you take risks or play it safe? I tend to play it safe. What forms of art do you like the best? This is an absolutely impossible question. "Art" has such an incredible range of forms, and I enjoy like... all. I guess the one thing I don't particularly care for is abstract art. What forms of art do you want to try? HYPERREALISM IN DRAWING. I REALLY wanna be able to draw/paint/whatever and make it look so true to life, BUT I'd like to add fantasy aspects to what I'm making (for example, my characters). I'd love to do portraits, too. This isn't really a "type" of art, but one thing I desperately want in art is to actually develop my own recognizable style that isn't just a wobbly attempt at realism with shitty proportions. What’s your favorite planet? Saturn's dope. Has a medication ever made you itch? No. What’s your favorite rainy day activity? Cuddle with snacks and like binge a good TV show/YT videos, etc. BUT considering I'm single I'ma just take a nap if I'm actually tired and you can hear the rain on the window. Do you put creamer in your tea? I wonder how many times I'll tell surveys I hate tea lmao by the end of my life lmao. What do you think are some good names for twins? I don't care enough to think about this. What are three things that fascinate you? Animal behavior (particularly social), the paranormal, and genetics. Would you say you live more in the past, present, or future? Present, I think. Have you ever been a victim of a crime? Not me personally, no, but my family. We had our basketball hoop stolen from our front yard and I was mega tilted yo. Does injustice make you angry? More like it infuriates me. Do you have the bad habit of procrastinating? Very badly. Are you afraid of running into a certain person in public? I both am and am not afraid of running into Jason. I have a very strong feeling I'd start having a PTSD episode (by that I mean hyperventilating, crying a bit, and shaking at the very least), but simultaneously I just want him to know I'm sorry. Do you have anyone you avoid? No. Do you have the same dreams now that you did as a kid? No. Who’s your crush? I don't really know if I have one right now. My old friend Ian and I started talking, and he's a fucking hilarious dude with similar ethics to mine with great compassion, but I still don't know him well enough to say I like-like him. I'm honestly just happy to have an irl friend again that actually talks to me regularly. Do you trust the government? I believe in WAY too many conspiracy theories to even try to convince anyone I trust the government lmao. Who do you want to meet in Heaven? I don't know exactly what sort of afterlife I believe in (it's not the traditional Heaven though), but I do believe that souls can reunite. The first thing I want to see again is Teddy. Does your school take sports too seriously? Considering we're well-respected in the sports field to the degree we draw in a huge number of foreign athletes, guess you could say yes lmao. Most of the people I even slightly know here came for sports. If there are bruises on your body, how did you get them? There aren’t. Would you ever go back in time to do something over again, but differently? Yes. Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? The airport. Have you thought about your wedding in detail? Not great detail, no. Do you think you could ever really kill someone? In self-defense, I know I could. Do you like Papa John’s pizza? I couldn't even guess the last time I had it. I don't remember. Do you attend school? Yeah. Do you call it a crush, or do you just say you like someone? The latter. Where were you when the ball dropped? In my bed asleep lmao. Where are your siblings? Probably all at work. Waffles, pancakes, or french toast? French toast. Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? Not really, but I WILL wonder to myself if you believe in some of the bullshit just about every religion has somewhere. Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? YUP YUP YUP! Mainly irl tho. Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked? No. Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere? No. Been to one where everyone was high, though. Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between? I'd hope the good guy. Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you? Ha ha yeah. Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? Yes. Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, all but one. What do you hear right now? "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Proud as fuck because this song was a MASSIVE PTSD trigger at first and even made me cry, but despite it still making me kinda uncomfortable, I can listen to and enjoy it now. If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? The only three people whose opinions would matter there would be Sara, Girt, and Jason. Sara and Jason would fucking break me, while I think Girt would of course make me cry, but I just. Wouldn't be surprised to lose another irl friend. I'd be so fucking hurt by any. OH YEAH, what would I say? I think Sara would have me speechless. I'd probably just choke out, "I don't blame you," to Jason. Girt, my first instinct pondering this was "are you serious?" because he's such a joker while my stomach dropped. What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? I'd be happy for her, but still feel kinda sad that it wasn't me. What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead? If I like the person, I feel very comforted. It like... makes me feel small, safe, and permitted to just let my emotions loose, ex. be "allowed" to cry. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check my phone to see the time. Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? I don't want to answer this. Do the math. Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? No. Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up? No. Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? Yeah. Would you date someone three years older than you? Yeah. Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? Actually as of recently, the morning. It's a nice way to start the day clean and energized. Could you handle living with the last person you texted? I'd love to live with her. Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? It was assigned, but I loved it. Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far? Not really? Well no, I think I'm being a less procrastinating student and also not fleeing so quickly from situations that invoke my anxiety. Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business? SOBS Blockbuster come BACK we NEED u. What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset? Eh, it was stupid and something that realistically isn't worth being annoyed by. I was SUPER bored and tired yesterday waiting for Mom to finish her field work while I waited in the library after classes, and I was so ready to go home, but she stayed longer than she thought she would. Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush/es assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? Actually, not really. He's way too motivated and drawn to people who push forward and get shit done, and just in general at least from how I "know" him as a fan I could only realistically see us as friends. But a fangirl can dream ok just let me dream. When looking for something to watch on TV do you tend to pick shows you know you like, or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? I'll answer hypothetically if I watched TV: probably something I know I like. Might get adventurous every now and again and try something new, though, especially if it's on a channel I like. How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? I haven't had to. I juuuuust slightly have enough room where I DID have them grow in. Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? Uhhh probably the deli, which I got and lasted for two hours my first work day lmao. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. What do people tell you your voice sounds like? I dunno, kinda deep for a girl and lacking an accent most of the time. What financial class are you? Lower. What poster is hanging closest to you? A huge Nightmare Before Christmas one. Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women. Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? Maybe if Ian did? Idk. It'd be a nice way to get to know more about each other, but I'd only agree to it after we talked a bit longer. Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge? Not "a ton." Things we'll eat again though, yes. Favorite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it. I haven't watched it. Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where? Hell yes. Pretty sure next is collarbones if I could just lose a little bit more weight so they're more visible. Do you love when people remember little things about you? YES OMG!!!!!!!!!! Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Yes, I just think it's common good manner. Even though the reasoning behind it is whatever, it's a societal thing that I just go along with. How many phones have you gone through? Idk, not too many. Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in? No.

[cerastes]

Life’s about to get kinda busy, so I’m just writing shit here to get it in order in my head and because, as usual, if it can help or steer someone, all the better. Nothing negative (on the contrary), but still under a Read More so as to not give you a faceful of What Is This, and because maybe some stuff gets a bit heavy.

February was quite atrocious. It’s the first and only time in years that I have a really, really strong relapse, strong enough that I cut my internet off for a few days out of fear of saying something stupid in what was a very unstable period for me, as well as to not overshare. It was bad enough that I resorted to some old coping mechanisms I hoped I’d never have to rely on again, such as spending some seven or so hours walking back forth the hallway of my apartment in complete darkness while just thinking about solutions to problems and doing dumbbell sets. I used to do this quite a bit back in the ol’ depressive suicidal days since it kept my mind busy and it would tire me out so I could go and sleep, but thankfully it only happened once now. When I say “relapse” now, it wasn’t anything suicidal, by the by, just, in this state of immense stress, so don’t worry.

I should be sad about this, and in a way, I am, but the joy more or less overshadows it: I disowned my father. It had to be done. I gave him a lot of chances, I tried my damn hardest so we could get along well, psyched myself up for it so very hard, but in the end, if you pull the toad from muddy water, put it in a pristine pond, and it jumps back into the muddy water, well, whatcha gonna do. Throughout the end of January to the end of February, we had some very severe fights, one of which escalated into a physical confrontation, and since he simply refuses to change and, well, is still the same son of a bitch that made my life so damn miserable that I grabbed my shit and left home when I was 19, it made me very sad, but I had to admit it once and for all: I have no father. Never did. As much as I wanted to believe I had one or could even have one, if we tried hard enough, it really was just wishful thinking. It made me very sad.

But it also was liberating. It was very liberating because no one can say I didn’t try. I tried oh so god damn hard, and it might have been “pointless” from a results point of view, but it definitely wasn’t pointless, overall, because I tried, I didn’t just give up, and that’s all I needed. I can go on for the rest of my life knowing I didn’t give up on it, that I didn’t run away, and that while I failed, it really was beyond me (it takes both sides to accomplish something, after all). A father that threatens his son with a knife is no father at all. That happened many years ago, and it almost happened in February again, but this time, I didn’t give him a chance to get close to the knife rack in the kitchen, oh, no, not again. Hit him right in the chest and away from the kitchen door. Took one warning to dissuade him. I’m bigger and stronger than him, and most importantly, no longer afraid. I made it clear that if he tried to approach the kitchen again, I would not stop until he had lost consciousness. Told him to get out. Never felt such a curious combination of sorrow and pride, to be honest. But look, the reason I am putting this here is that you really cannot live in fear. Not everyone has the same circumstances and options, but if it’s possible for you, and you have someone in your life who is to you what my father was to me, do put a stop to it. Resort to threats of violence, if you really must, to guarantee your safety. If it’s not possible, then try to make it possible in the future, if that’s an option. Pave the way. For me, it was living by myself for years and cutting ties with my family, growing independent and growing as a person through my suicidal depression. For you, it’s gonna be whatever your context demands of you. Don’t give up, please. Don’t let a fucked up family or whatever ruin the future you that could be be happy. Don’t deny your potential happiness.

Well, after that, it was some pretty hard days. He may be a filthy son of a bitch and a piece of shit whose death will be good news when it happens, but he’s still the figure of a ‘father’, and well, it’s hard mourning that. I didn’t really care about the individual as much as the figure in itself, the role, if you will. I wanted a father, but shit, sometimes shit doesn’t pan out, and to try for any longer than I already had was inviting disaster. Half a decade is enough time. I’m 26 years old, turning 27 this year, I can’t spare any more of my time on a bastard that will keep hurting me, so I decided not to. I wish I could say “simple as that”, but well, it’s not ‘simple as that’, bwahaha. I’ll think about him nowadays and get really upset, really angry, really resentful. Sometimes it even ruins my day and I gotta step away from things a little to catch myself. I’ll think about all I endured and that I thought “I am such a bitch for not being able to endure this...”, because that’s how you think when you are on that Depress Express: It’s your fault somehow, and you’re just weak and immature. One of the biggest steps towards my recovery from depression was, and this is gonna sound weird, that I had been done dirty. You have to admit and acknowledge that it’s not you, it’s really others that did you fucking dirty, that you were treated unfairly, that your frustration and sadness are valid, not just you being dumb. I kinda hate the “you’re valid” joke because it rather makes a mockery of a really important word and concept here. Your utter sorrow is valid. I’m not saying you gotta blame things onto others entirely, just, you gotta learn to accept that some stuff really was out of your power, and that you aren’t dumb for thinking otherwise. This more or less was that for me, again: I realized I’d never really have a father. Sucks, but that’s it. I’m still coming to terms with it, but my life really has been richer since the end of February.

After disowning the ol’ fuckhead, I called my mom and my best friend, and, well, did something I think I owed myself: I came clean to them about my depression and my suicidal tendencies. Told them everything. I never had told this to anyone outside the internet, because honestly, I was afraid I was just gonna be shut down with “no you weren’t, you’re lying”, another of the many scars left by the living failure that never was my father (he’d never believe anything I said, verbally demeaning me and telling me to stop lying or exaggerating; if I ever was awkward with any of you by trying to prove or back up anything I said, even something small, well, here’s why I have that habit). It’s silly, now that I write it, but to my surprise, they believed me. My mother was pretty distraught, and apologized over and over (she too had part in the mess that was my childhood, albeit in a very minor was compared to everything else, and in her case, it really was well-meaning, plus, she’s apologized for it) for not noticing and for other things, whereas my best friend cried as I was telling him and, well, that fucked me up because here I had two people that cared so much for me that they would even show it this way. At no point they doubted me or told me I was being a bitch or exaggerated or lying, they took it and believed it without contest or question, and I really, legitimately didn’t expect that. It also was a huge, huge load off of my chest, because, well, I really just wanted to be able to fucking tell someone about that really hard period of my life in which I really just had myself. During those years, I had cut all contact with everyone. Friends, family, just everyone. When I did reestablish contact with people, I was not out of it all yet, but I was functional. Like, I had regained my sense of hygiene, I had sold my gun so I wouldn’t kill myself (I sold it because I loaded it and pointed it at my head twice with the intent to end it; thankfully, I never followed through, but I couldn’t risk it a third time), I had energy to get out of my room and do shit without having to juice myself up on alcohol, etc. They never did see me at my worst, and in both cases, they did want to know about what happened with me during those years in which I outright disappeared. It’s awkward to write about that here because this is entirely from he PoV of someone who, well, vanished for some years, haha. Well, whatever. 

Point is, it was a very healing experience. I felt light as a feather afterwards. Not only did I manage to come clean about that, the people I told it to believed me. I didn’t know how much I needed that. With this, I am trying to say that, if you believe you need to have your suffering acknowledged, go and talk about it to whoever it is you want to share it with. A parent or a best friend, I don’t know, you know who your special someone is, and believe me, they want to know about this, it’s not a drag for them. Because they care about you. Mind you, there’s a difference between only exclusively talking about your pain and suffering 24/7 (no one deserves to be saddled with that shit) and making a special occasion in which you can tell them about this. Take a whole day to do so if you need to, see? Again, I didn’t know I needed this, I just ended up coming clean to them because I just needed to get it off my chest years after the fact, on top of the whole disowning thing, and it helped more than I could’ve imagined. This is my experience, at least.

I also told them of the whole knife situation with my father years ago, something I also really wanted to just stop keeping a secret, which helped a lot.

Mom’s also grown. She understands and respects my hermit tendencies now, and she made it explicit that she does, which has its worth in gold for me. She realizes she’s guilty for that one, and not to be a “Told You So” guy, but well, now that entire family is fragmented to shit. I don’t wanna get into details of that particular mess, but know that I have three half brothers, two step brothers, and one step sister, a countless amount of cousins, uncles, and aunts, and man, that side of the family is just a fucking mess. Just a hot pile of shit. My own mother is kinda a hermit now, ironically, haha. She realized just how rife with drama and deceit over money it all was, and has taken some distance. She also finally understands that her last ex-husband was a fucking idiot, and more importantly, that she was a fucking idiot for keeping around a freeloader and his three kids for so many years, paying it all out of her pocket and ruining her health. She’s told me I am free to visit and all, but well, I can’t just change overnight, nor do I want to change too much in that aspect: I never really was loved much in the family due to being my father’s kid, and after I had enough, I openly antagonized the family since I wasn’t gonna take that lying down. My mom and an aunt are the only exception, but aside from them, that entire burning ship can keep sinking, I want none of it. Hearing my mom say “yeah, you were right, this family fucking sucks lmao” felt really good.

I’m pleased with how far I’ve come, really, and that’s another important point here: You gotta be good to yourself, recognize your growth, and celebrate your victories. Because no one else will. You’re on your own, and if you don’t give yourself that love or kindness, well, who will? And you deserve it. You may not believe me right now, but trust me, you deserve it. You really, really deserve to be able to look at the mirror and not see a disappointment. You really fucking do, believe me. I’ve gone from suicide waiting to happen to working on getting my Magister’s degree. I’ve gone from getting shitfaced daily to having the charisma to influence others. It feels good as fuck, man! You also do this. Start little, aim for little goals, like “showering” or “eating” (if this sounds like a joke, it isn’t; I understand that even these things are immensely difficult when you are depressive, I’ve been there), and then think about how you’ve progressed. You went from having bad hygiene to showering daily. You went from spending all day in bed to getting some food in. Fucking good on you, I personally congratulate you. Today, it’s a shower and a sandwich. Tomorrow, it’s a job and a hobby. The day after, it’s the reflection in your mirror and how proud you are of the person in there and you don’t cry every day anymore. Shine, diamond. You fucking deserve it.

Ever since coming clean about these things and disowning that piece of shit, honestly, my life’s improved. My life’s been good the last three years! I’ve had fun. I’ve matured a lot, I’ve grown a lot. I still have much to learn, absolutely, but I am happy that I’ve learned what I have so far. I’m in that Cloud Nine Freight Train now, I dropped all the tickets to the Depress Express, ‘cause I don’t wanna be in that train anymore. Getting over depression is never as easy as “think positive :)” haha, man, I wish it was, but, but! Thinking positive is a good start. A small step, but a good one, because from thinking positive, you got to acting positive, and living positive, and so on until the depresso days are gone, in the past, and are a thing you write lengthy Read Mores about with the hope of helping others get through their own depressive periods.

You never stop growing. Years ago, I thought I had it all figured out: Just cut people off if they are a negative for you. I thought I had learned a lesson, see? Because I used to be extremely forgiving, and it bit me in the ass, so I figured, do the opposite! Well, that was dumb as shit, too. You can’t do that, either, because then you just burn bridges eternally for the littlest shit, when real maturity is being able to look for options first before taking drastic measures. Balance is important. Don’t go black or white. Correct answers usually lie in the grey or gray. Moderation and all that. I’ve reached out to people I felt I unjustly cut out, for instance. With some, we speak again. With others, we simply buried the hatchet and decided to go in different directions. Of course, there were people who deserved getting cut off, so I haven’t bothered talking to those, nor I think I will, but those, in a way, serve as a good reference point as to what is “tolerable” and “actually actively malicious”. This paragraph is in reference to those posts I see sometimes that are like “if someone is a negative influence, cut them OUT of your life!” I used to be that way and I regret it because I’ve come to realize, especially lately due to something that happened not long ago and the other person’s completely understandable reaction in front of the situation, that it’s something that has planted the seeds of doubt and paranoia in older friends of mine. I’ve no one to blame but myself for those seeds. Actions speak louder than words, so I want to show accordingly that I am not like that anymore. It’s true that negative aspects ought to be cut off of your life, but do understand that you need to have good judgment and not do it just like so. Talk to the other person, let them know that they are being toxic, and tell them you want this to change because you want to remain friends but you can’t with them like this. Of the people I’ve cut off completely years ago, as I said before, with some I talk again, with some, I don’t, and others that I feel truly wronged me, I didn’t even try to contact them again. Well, even thought there’s a group I didn’t even contact again, I still regret not having let them know I was parting ways with them or that they were being dicks to me. Were they wronging me? Absolutely. Do I want to forgive them? No. But that doesn’t mean just cutting them off with no prior notice or even a chance for contact was right in the slightest. I regret that. I don’t want to talk to them again, but I do wish I had talked to them prior, because it’s only human decency. Talk to the other person, please. It’s only fair to them and to yourself. If you must cut them off after, or if it’s talking to them specifically with the intention of cutting them off, talk to them nonetheless. Communicate. You never know what might happen, and even if you have to cut them off, at least you did it the right way.

That’s all I have to say. If you can take something from this, then mission complete. Especially so with anyone depressive and/or suicidal that might be reading this, I hope it helps you in some way. Look at me. You can get out of it. You can beat depression. You can enjoy life again, or start enjoying it at all. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, and every great achievement start with the small steps. Take the steps. You’ll be glad you did. Remember that you always keep growing, so set objectives to keep an eye on this growth. For example, right now my current objectives are to be less of a hermit, to show my writing in public again, and to embark in creative endeavors with others. Objective three, if you notice, directly correlates to the first and second objectives. Set goals and work towards them, and make them realistic, bucko. No need to aim for a Nobel Prize right off the bat.

You have this shit in the bag. Best of luck!

[vampirequeenoffan]

yes hello im feeling your trollhunters opinion!! do u also feel like Merlin is super shady? I don't think he did a single thing since he showed up that can be considered 'good', he doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself, and after what he did to get Jim to turn into a troll (cutting him off from his entire support network, playing on his insecurities) I thought he'd turn out to be the Ultimate Villain of the show right up until the end, when he wasn't.

HOOOBOY do I ever have FEELINGS about this (which will once again be under the cut because SCREAMING)

First off, holy fuck, THANK you. Your message means a lot to me (as do the other nice messages and comments I got on my post! It feels great to know I’m not the only one who felt like there was something wrong with this ending).

Second.

Yeah, what in the fuck is up with Merlin? I liked him for a good thirty seconds after he was introduced– I’m a bit of a sucker for the ‘ancient and powerful being of legend is actually Not At All What Anyone Thought trope’ tbh. But the novelty quickly wore off and you’re absolutely right– I totally thought he was going to be the show’s Ultimate Villain. I usually love asshole characters, so the fact that Merlin is so much of an asshole that I hated him is… impressive, in a weird way. And the list of characters I’m crazy about contains several serial killers, so the bar is real low.

Let’s break this down.

Merlin, upon reentering the picture, does the following:

–Gets passive-aggressively mad at the Trollhunters for not getting him his staff

Which, y’know, could’ve been avoided if he’d just asked to have the staff in the same room with him when he’d been buried. He also had no reason to be mad, considering his plan was to release Morgana all along, and had the Trollhunters actually taken back the staff they then would’ve had to fight their way into Trollmarket in order to free Morgana, which… would have been difficult. That, or they’d have had to turn the staff over to Gunmar anyway, so again, no reason for Merlin to be mad.

Personally I totally agree that they should’ve left Morgana in there, or at least had some semi-automatic weapons ready when they did release her (because if the USA is going to have shitty gun control laws we might as well use them to destroy evil witches, amiright?), but this is about Merlin’s reaction, not mine.

Also, if this was his plan all along, he could’ve left instructions about that. So that, y’know, Drall didn’t die trying to stop Gunmar from taking the staff. You know. That little detail.

–Repairs Jim’s amulet

On the surface this is good, except that, again, he wouldn’t have had to do this if he’d written the directions to his tomb on anything else. He could’ve even had the instructions in like, the spirit room that the dead trollhunters live in, if he was really that determined to make sure it was trollhunter-specific. 

–Threatens to eat Toby

????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿???????

What even happened here. What. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, it really added to the ‘what the fuck even is going on with him’ vibe that Merlin has, but why? Did he just… hang out with trolls too much? But only the evil trolls did that. What even was happening here. And why Toby? Was it process of elimination because he though Claire was hot (which, uh, creepy) and he needed Jim, or was this a… fat joke? I honestly have no idea.

–Gives them a laundry list of complicated as fuck items to collect

Merlin is an asshole who should’ve gotten his groceries himself. Nuff said. Oh wait, not enough said, because one of those things was literally lightning in a goddamn bottle, which they needed the help of actual goddamn aliens to get, so Merlin, with no knowledge of modern technology, really should have known he needed to at least get that one by himself.

What a guy.

–Destroys Jim’s vespa

Okay, this probably seems petty. ‘Merlin literally kickstarted the apocalypse, why do you care about the vespa?’ Well, because it wasn’t just any piece of machinery. Jim had been wanting a vespa for a very, very long time– for him, it was a dream, then a symbol of normalcy, and then it became even more than that when he finally got one– by building it with Blinky. It was a project he undertook alongside his father figure, likely took weeks of work, and was a physical reminder of how much Blinky cared about him.

Merlin destroys it and uses it to make armor.

Now, there’s some symbolism here. Merlin is destroying the vespa– symbol of Jim’s old life– and using it to forge armor– transforming his old life into something that protects his friends. It’s not unlike what his amulet has done to him, or what Merlin later tries to do by making Jim into a troll. Which, yeah, I’ve covered being a shitty tactical decision and I’m going to go over even more reasons why it’s terrible in a minute.

Point is, dick move. He could’ve used literally any other kind of metal, so the only upside here is symbolism and, let’s be real, it’s a metaphor is not a good reason to do dumb shit.

–Champions releasing Morgana

I was really happy that everyone yelled at him about this one. I was less happy that that was all that happened. Merlin did, clearly, just want his magic back. If he didn’t, he would have just left Morgana in her goddamn crystal like a sensible person, or at the very least agreed to help take out Gunmar before handling Morgana. It’s just common sense to divide and conquer– yes writing a paper is very hard, but it’s a lot easier to do that when your house isn’t on fire. Dealing with problems separately makes them all a lot less taxing, or in this case, a lot less deadly! There are so many people that would still be alive if Merlin, after being asleep for hundreds of years, had just been able to wait a few more goddamn weeks to have his fingersparkles back.

–Emotionally manipulates Jim into becoming a troll

This fucker. This assclown. You’re absolutely right– he cuts him off from everyone he knows and refuses to let him go rescue his mom, does that shitty parent thing where you guilt someone by saying “It’s your choice whether or not to do the right thing…” and spews some shit about destiny and just generally uses his title of Old Guy Who Knows Stuff to tell Jim that he Has To Do This, but it’s Totally Your Choice.

I thought, when Jim’s mom rescued herself (go Barb go!!!) and came running up to the bathroom door, that he would stop. Because that was the whole reason Jim was going to go through with the transformation– it was the only way Merlin would let him go save his mom. The fact that he just kinda… ignored the fact that they were out there yelling for him? Yeah, that was dumb. Even if he wanted to go through with it, he should have talked to his friends and family first. That was, uh, the whole lesson he learned from going into the Darklands alone. We’ve been down this road, Jim, it’s depressing.

And then Merlin’s just… useless. He can’t beat Morgana, his tactics suck ass, and the only thing he does from that point on is try to get other people to die for him– looking at you, Aargh. I’m so glad you’re still alive.

So, to reiterate, Merlin shows up, fucks shit up, and then doesn’t fix any of the fucked up shit. On top of that, he’s an asshole the entire time– the “real battle of Killahead” line was just the tip of the douchebag iceberg (though ‘all you folks who died during this battle didn’t matter’ was a hell of a way to kick that off, I agree). But… why?

You’re right, we don’t know why he and Morgana started this pissing contest. We don’t even know why he took her on as an apprentice in the first place, or what connection the two of them had to trolls at all– presumably a strong one, considering how much they both tried to fuck with the future of the species. Before we met Merlin, none of these things had to be defined– Morgana and Merlin were vague enough as figures that we could imagine any number of things that had led to the current state of being. I, personally, imagined Merlin as being more invested in humans than trolls, which made sense to me because he was on the side of the trolls that didn’t hurt humans and his amulet placed a huge amount of value on Jim’s humanity. But then it’s revealed that Merlin actually doesn’t give a shit about humans at all, as he apparently eats them, doesn’t mind putting the entire town of Arcadia in danger, and tells Jim that his humanity doesn’t matter and he’s better off being a troll.

Same for Morgana. I thought her whole deal was that she wanted trolls to be the dominant species, but then she says Gunmar is disposable and doesn’t seem to give a shit about his conquest of the surface? If she didn’t actually care about trolls conquering humans, why in the hell did she want to bring about the eternal night?

So, again, what was happening and why were they so invested in the future of trollkind? If it wasn’t, like I thought, about whether humanity or trolls should be dominant, what possible reason could they have for interfering? Presumably at one point they got along, because Morgana was Merlin’s apprentice, but the only reason we get for her hating him is that he took her hand to make the amulet. . . except, wait, he did that after she started trying to bring about the eternal night. Forget why she cared about that, if he didn’t care about humans then why did he?

TLDR, Merlin’s an asshole, his decisions make no sense, and when you poke at things he creates plotholes in the entire series that weren’t there prior to his introduction. Also he’s the worst.

[purplesurveys]

314

Thank you sindsforstyrret for sending the survey :)

1. Beyonce vs Rihanna? We are not about to ask me this question hahaaaa everyone knows me for being the biggest Beyoncé fan. Like if it was possible to have big flashing lights saying ‘She likes Beyoncé’ with an arrow pointing to me it would have already happened. Rihanna is fine and I love Kiss It Better, but I’ve just always been for the Queen B. 2. What’s your favorite horror movie? I haven’t picked out favorites, although my top 3 is all adaptations of Stephen King works - Carrie, Misery, and The Shining, and no particular order. 3. Would you say you have a high sexdrive or not so much? It fluctuates, really. If the drive is there it’s really there; but sometimes I’d get into a depressive stint and feel anxious and overwhelmed and those are the worst times to touch me at all. 4. how do you feel about swallowing pills? It has to be done sometimes so I just suck it up, but I often get the sensation that they end up getting lodged in my throat. 5. what animal is the scariest in your opinion? Cockroaches.

6. a band or an artist you liked when you were younger, but not so much anymore. Hey Monday, mostly because they haven’t put out any new material in aaaages and are as good as having broken up. 7. come with an unpopular opinion. I don’t care for Infinity War. I have had so many people shame me for this. I don’t know what good that does to the both of us honestly, it will just compel me to rub it in their face even more. 8. how often do you shop online? Just a handful of times. I don’t like spending my money for anything other than food. 9. have you ever questioned your sanity? Everyday. 10. how do you feel about people wearing fur coats? are you for or against it? I will never understand why they can’t just wear normal coats and be a normal person. 11. what’s the worst thing a friend has either done or said to you? Marielle spread out two of my deepest secrets before. Should’ve learned better after the first time, but I was a dumb 11 year old. 12. are you still friends? I haven’t talked to her in 8 years. 13. what’s fake about you? like extensions, fake nails, botox etc. My personality when I talk to people I personally dislike. I like to call it choosing to be respectful. 14. if you got the chance, would you audition for a reality show? Probably not. Have you heard about how they treat the contestants in ANTM? They’re so restricted as to what they can do while in the show and aren’t even allowed to leave the house; I don’t know how that doesn’t drive them insane. 15. what’s considered cheating in your opinion? Wow anything from chemistry-laden eye contact and beyond. 16. have you ever gotten into a facebook fight? No I fucking hate Facebook. 17. who’s your favorite youtuber? Shane Dawson. 18. what about favorite person to stalk on instagram I don’t have an Instagram because I also hate it. 19. are you a virgin? if no, how old were you when you lost your virginity? No. I was 18. 20. what’s the cheesiest thing you’ve ever experienced irl? I will always remember when Gab brought me to a restaurant for my 17th birthday, and pretended to go to the restroom when really she was asking the staff to come to the table with my favorite Oreo cheesecake set on a heart-shaped plate, with one of those candles with the regenerating flames. I never look for anything grand so that has always stuck with me. It sucks that it might not have even been genuine from her though, but that’s complicated and a whole other story altogether haha. I want to remember it for how pure it is. 21. favorite flavor of jelly bean? Dunno, don’t really get to eat jellybeans a lot. 22. do you use tinder? if yes, have you ever met up with someone you matched? I did and still do, but just to people-observe! I like seeing the people around the area and looking at their photos, but that’s literally it: pure curiosity. I have a different name, my profile photo is a cat, and no other details about me are posted, so no one knows who I am and would care to swipe right on me. 23. what’s your favorite memory with one or both of your parents? My dad brought me to a buffet once just because he wanted to take me out for lunch. I appreciate that. 24. what’s a fashion trend that you would NEVER follow? Fur. 25. you just poured your heart out to your crush and all he/she does is respond “k”. What do you respond/do? I force an answer out of them and tell them how serious I’m being. 26. what’s your favorite thing to order from mcdonald’s? Chicken and rice, although I really just wait for their seasonal stuff like Shake Shake Fries and the McSpicy since they’re way better than their normal menu. 27. when do you feel your sexiest? Welp. When I’m having sex? Haha. 28. what book/movie has made you cry the hardest? The Hours, Good Will Hunting, It’s A Wonderful Life. 29. something you feared as a kid but don’t anymore? Driving, but that’s it. Still scared of the same things. 30. how often do you shave? Every other day. 31. whats your favorite emoji? Don’t really have one, I don’t use emojis a lot. 32. do you need a hug right now? No. 33. what’s your skincare routine? I don’t have one. My skin is fine and I’m too scared to try products in an effort to maintain it, since it might just do the opposite. 34. would you rather have a snake or a tarantula as a pet? Snake. 35. think back to the worst teacher you’ve ever had. What made them so terrible? Ms. Belen was a blatant practitioner of favoritism. I still remember which students she would gleam over and which ones she would roll her eyes at and pretend doesn’t exist (i.e. me). Anyway, I kept getting my silent revenge as I used to do excellently in all of her exams. As soon as she stopped being my teacher I made it a point to glare at her whenever I had the misfortune to pass by her.

[closseyc-blog]

My Top 10 Favorite Mystery Science Theater Episodes

 I was asked recently at my job, Christine why do you like watching bad movies? My answer was, well I like to suffer (kidding). But my true response was well ever since I was kid, I’ve watched Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MST3K for all you non watchers). I remember every Saturday on Comedy Central or SyFy (it was first on CC but later moved to SyFy), my family would gather around the TV to see which movie Joel or Mike would rip apart this week. It was one of the few shows my family loves to watch together. Hell my first date with my boyfriend we talked about our love of this show and we’ve been watching it together ever since. That’s how much this show has been a part of my life. Now it’s coming back with new episodes on Netflix and I can’t fucking wait! My thoughts of I wonder what movies they are going to riff, I wonder if Crow still like to dress up like bear, if Tom Servo still hates Canada. 

Those have never of this show,what the hell is wrong with you? (kidding again). Well the show is basically about three people (well two robots and a human) that are forced to watch bad movies, by Dr. Forrester or Pearl Forrester (depending on which season you watch). While watching the movie though, they make jokes. Yea it’s that simple. A silhouette of them is shown through out, and it makes it look like an actual movie theater watching experience.

If you have never seen the show, I couldn’t recommend this show enough. This list hopefully help you get started on you MST3K binge watch. There are almost 200 episodes of the original show, which yes it’s a lot. But this list are my personal favorite, this is how I introduce the show to people who have never seen it. Spoiler: The number one pick is the one I show everyone who want to watch this show for the first time. 

This is my list, aka my personal opinion. If you are a fan of the show and you don’t see your favorite, let me know in the comments.  

Just a short mention, I won’t be including the shorts on my list, just the movies. Some of the movies on my list may include a short, but know I love all the shorts they do. I know Youtube has a bunch of them on their so check it out! 

10.   Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders

You would think with a title like Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders it would be movie of child like wonder and magic. Instead this movie is an scary, horrifying story that Grandpa (Ernst Borgnine) is telling his grandson. These stories consist of man who uses Merlin’s Magic Book to cast spell which back fires (literally it ends with a fire) which ends in a death. An evil monkey with cymbal that causes people to dye if he crashes his cymbals. I won’t say this movie is full of wonders and Merlin. It’s a horror movie being told as a bed time story to a kid. Luckily the gang at MST3K joke about how the movie that sounds like it’s going to be a magical family movie, instead you’ll have nightmares about that monkey. My favorite part is when they cut to gag jokes in which the show fake children's book that looks innocent but when they open the book, it was ugly let’s say. So if you’re looking for a title that looks like it’s going to be something it’s not, this is the perfect movie for you.

9.  Santa Claus

This is one of two of Christmas specials on this list. This movie is about Santa Claus (yea so you’re thinking). How about Santa Claus vs.the Devil. Damn. Made in Mexico, this 1959 movie tell you the real story of Santa, not living in the North Pole but in a castle in the sky. He doesn’t have elves, he has children from all around the world make the toys for him (and make them sing a song from their country). He also only goes to three house and fights the Devil for a little girls soul. I love to watch this episode every Christmas. I laugh just watching Santa wined up his reindeer (you’ll see when you watch it). The jokes are spot on with the gang, especially when the kids sing their songs, I crack up every time. So if you’re looking for a new Christmas special to watch in December, watch this I promise it will take that depression from looking at your bank account after a trip on Amazon,go away.

8.  Soultaker

What do you get when you have, the early 90′s, writer and star in the movie and Joe Estevez as a grim reaper, you get a crappy movie. Thank goodness we have Mike Nelson and his robot pals to make this movie less painful. One of the character in this movie has the biggest chin I’ve ever seen in my life, and of course they rip him and Joe Estevez apart with their acting. My favorite part in this episode is when the girl is about to get naked, Crow gets excited until he gets something in his eye and he has to leave the theater. When he comes back she’s fully dressed again and he gets angry. This movie is full of bad acting, a story that feels like it’s dragging on and on and an Estevez! Enjoyable has hell. 

7.  Manos: The Hands of Fate

Any bad movie lover has heard of this movie. Manos is a classic so bad it’s good movie and this is how I saw this movie for the first time. A movie that has bad acting, bad sound editing and a story I really don’t get to this day. But thanks to this episode it brought this movie into the main stream. It also brought Torgo, a character from this movie into a couple of the regular episodes. This movie can drag on, even the robots and Joel say “ Do Something” through the movie. Though I don’t think it’s a strong as the others on this list, I still think it’s funny episode and it brought this movie the attention it needs.  

6. Mitchell/ Final Justice

I know I’m cheating by putting two movies at number 6 (but then again it’s my fucking list and I’m going to do whatever I want). I had t hard time trying to pick which Joe Don Baker movie to put above the other so it’s a tie. There is a sort of thing when it’s a Joe Don Baker movie that show something happens (to Joel). In Mitchell it was Joel’s last episode as host, in which he passes it to Mike. In Final Justice, Joel makes a cameo in which was a great build up. The movies both have Joe Don Baker as a cop. He’s above the law though so he’s a tough cop who yells at kids and goes to another country in his Taxes Ranger get up. In both of these movies the guys make fart noises and food jokes. Sound immature, but if you know me you know that I act like a kid most of the time so it’s funny. 

5. Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

This made for PBS movie is a classic. This Raul Julia (He played Gomez in the Addams Family movies) star as Fingal (yes that name is riffed a lot in this episode) a man who get doppeled into a computer. If you don’t know what doppeling is, well I really don’t either. Best way to put it, a guy’s mind is now in a computer and he’s is messing with a big companies computer system. This movie is confusing but with three others who also have no idea what’s going on either it makes this movie enjoyable. My favorite part is at the end where Fingal and this fat guy (yes that’s his name in the movie) have a basic staring contest. Just the jokes of them staring are enough to make this movie laughable. Also as a side gag they do this fake pledge drive like they do at PBS, even if you’ve never seen this movie you’ll love the pledge drive gags. Please watch this and realize how much PBS means a lot in pop culture (I’m talking to you all you people who want to take away ELMO)

4.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Spoiler: Santa never conquers the Martians. Yes I know sad. This movie is so cheaply made, I mean just look at that picture. The actors that played martians look like they just put on some green paint, made their own costumes and said ok let’s shot a movie. Heck even a guy dressed up like a polar bear looks like he made that thing himself. The episode is a classic when it comes to MST3K fans. My dad told me he remember watching this movie when he was young, and watching it now you why my dad told me this movie sucked. The movie itself is really really bad but these jokes are spot on. The gang also sings a funny song called “A Patrick Swyaze Christmas” (RIP PS). This episode is full of Christmas Spirit and a sold riff on a not so great holiday classic.

3.  Hobgoblins

So I have to point out that this is my boyfriend’s favorite episode. He was a little upset that this wasn’t number 1 on my list. But like I said before it’s my list (not even my boyfriend can change that). I will say though that this is on my list because it’s the best movie that defines the 80′s. Hobgoblins is a big rip off of the Gremlins movie. But these Hobgoblins are locked in a safe until they are freed but a guy who is as brave as the lawyer in Jurassic Park. His friends and his girlfriend are the worst people you can meet. There is even a fight with rakes (yes the lawn tool )and they just use the wooden part that makes a sound effect every time they hit them. I love this episode for all the jokes they make on the over sexed Jesse Spano look a like. I will watch this episode if I’m sad or need to be reminded that there are worse movies than Norm of the North. Please watch this one for your 80′s kick.

2.  The Final Sacrifice

This fucking movie is the best Canadian riffing movie (Sorry Canada i love your style but this is just a great episode). With a teenager that sounds like he’s reached  puberty a couple of times, a man who lives in a house that sounds like a cartoon character, a cult that looks like they are going to rob a bank and the greatest hero Canada has Rowsdower! That beer drinking, mullet wear, over weight beauty of a man.  Yes now you know what my twitter name means (that’s @heyrowsdower on my twitter for all of you who want to follow). Just think average Joe on an adventure. But what makes this episode my number 2, the jokes are spot on. The way this episode flows, how the character react to what’s happening the screen, even the side gags are just so funny that I don’t want to spoil. I just say please watch this one, after you watch my favorite MST3K episode... 

drum roll my number 1 pick for my favorite episode of MST3K is....

1.   Space Mutiny

This is my favorite hands down episode of MST3K ever. Not going to lie it was hard to write this list, heck I left out a bunch of great ones, like Werewolf, Eegah and Time Chasers. But I knew the whole time when writing my list what my number one was going to be. I remember watching this episode on TV for the first time and I pissed myself because these jokes are what make this show a classic. A movie that takes scenes from the show Battle Star, has the love interest who looks older than her father, show a women being killed then in the next scene she’s there alive and well. But I think what makes this episode the best is the names they give to the main hero Dave Rider. Calling him Buff Drinks Lots, Bulk Vander Huge, Flint Ironstaff, etc. I also show this episode to someone who has never seen this show telling them this is what this show is about. Three people making fun of a movie and looking like they are having a great time.

I hope this list will help you start your new obsession (your welcome). I really want those who have never seen the show to check it out. There are some episodes on Netflix now, including Space Mutiny so no excuses! 

[frostironreversebang-blog]

Claims are now CLOSED

If you are unsure how this works, please read this post on how to claim. The blurbs are under the cut to make things easier on your dash. If you can’t read them on our tumblr, click here for the plain HTML page

All the arts have been claimed! Rejoice!!

Entry #1

Tony is an omega, who has always wanted to bond only with the very best, he refuses to settle for anything else. When he sees Loki's alpha side his inner omega swoons and the more he sees, the more head over heels in love he falls and wants him, because this alpha, Loki, is everything he always wanted. But Loki's not interested. So, obviously, Tony tries to convince him. Wooing, courting, plans, flirting, touching, clinging, seducing, letting his omeganess show, he tries absolutely everything he can think of. Still, he get's a no. Then one day, Tony wakes up to find Loki spooning him, he tells Tony that he said no because the human's lifespan is too short, that if he bonds with someone he wants it to last for all eternity, asking if he's serious about them bonding, because then he will offers Tony an golden apple and make him his forever... 

The drawing is of them spooning. I might draw another picture with Tony’s tries of courting.

Entry #2

Fantasy RPG AU where Avengers is a team of mercenaries in a need of a mage for the next quest. But none of their usual candidates are available at the moment, so Thor mentions that his brother Loki is a very powerful battle mage. The problem is Loki’s spiteful personality; besides he is a little too good in dark arts. Tony doesn’t care at first, he tends to find mages boring, but Loki proves to be different…

Pic description:  Loki is going to fight someone with his staff and spells while Tony in his full armor stands nearby and enjoys the view.

Entry #3

Modern AU where Tony is still the famous billionaire but one of his rivals have sent an assassin (Loki) after him, except well that didn't quite work. Ok so no set fic summary yet but how about a description of one of the arts? So Loki's at the door because he's leaving Tony and he won't tell why. And Tony, who's not understanding what's going on except that Loki is leaving (why is Loki leaving?!?) is on the floor begging Loki to stay, to make sense, to just turn around and talk to him for one hot second.

Entry #4

There's no concrete plot here, just some vague ideas, so the plotting and worldbuilding is up to the writer. 

Iron Man gets sent as an envoy to Jotunheim, or he's curious about the barbarian world that Thor describes and wants to see for himself, sceptical of the Aesir description of it... And he comes across Loki, who's either the prince or Loki who was adopted Loki, and is doing penance for the almost genocide.... And somehow - either the armour fails because ~handwave science~ that Tony couldn't account for, or Loki magical it off him .... Anyway, he's seen as a threat by Loki here.

Entry #5

Au where Loki never messes up Thor's coronation. Loki instead flees from Asgard after he finds out the truth of his heritage and finds a place in Midgard. Loki builds up his own franchise that soon rivals Stark Industries. Tony is intrigued by the owner of an uprising business and plans a merger. Loki and Tony combine their businesses and practically run the world. Thor gets corrupt with power, kills Laufey, and goes after the next king which happens to be Loki. My draft art is what I want the end result to be, a family between the two. (I know background is raggedy, pushing for time)Kinda in between iron man 1 and 2.

Entry #6

The art shows Loki doing some involved magic while kneeling, while Tony stands guard. There's no story to go with this, so knock yourself out, author!

Entry #7

Loki travels the Hidden Pathways/The Branches first to escape his brother’s shadow and later to deal with being on the run in plain sight (impersonating Odin). He meets Tony, or a version of him in time, who’s ended up there in his sleep on accident. At first, younger Loki thinks it’s just a weird coincidence but it keeps happening over the years. Eventually he accepts it as A Thing, then starts to enjoy it, and gets curious enough to investigate. It’s all weird dream time travel shenanigans to Tony. 

The story should feature magical/science fiction-y time travel and slow burn.

There will be at least two digital drawings/paintings, one of them of younger (pre-first Thor movie) Loki and pre-ironman Tony meeting on the branches and one of older (been ironman for a while now) Tony sleeping.

Entry #8

It's the first day of the Paris World Exposition in 1889. Tony, a promising young inventor, has just arrived in the city to participate in a flying contest - and by pure chance he happens to witness a young man performing as a magician at the local circus. Befuddled by the skills he displays and convinced that no such thing as 'magic' can possibly exist, he tries to befriend him and convince him to give up his 'secrets' - but the young man, Loki, seems immune to his charms. Suddenly, their meeting is interrupted when five strange people dressed as warriors appear and try to kidnap Loki, apparently determined to gain possession of his pendant. What mystery lies behind the small blue gem that Loki has been carrying with him since childhood?

(Basically the 'Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water' AU that I can't believe doesn't already exist in this fandom.)

I'd like to draw two pics for the story; one will show Tony and Loki in the process of escaping their 'enemies' on Tony's plane. The other… is still pending, as I'd like to see where my author wishes to take the story first. :D

Entry #9

Everyone is born with their soulmates name on their wrist. Finding them was nevertheless not that easy. On Earth there were matching agencies to help find them, which worked for some, but not all. Tony never even bothered registering in the first place, the name on his wrist was an indecipherable mess, matching no language known on earth. Meaning he was simply broken, doomed to be alone and had no soulmate, or his mate was an alien… which yeah, either sucked in their own way. Loki on the other hand was obsessed with looking for his soulmate, his Anthony, the one person who would accept, respect and love him for sure, just like he always longed for.  Picture is put together in three parts, kinda comic style, showing Loki and Tony's faces in the first two and in the third holding hands with the names showing on their wrists. 

Entry #10

Thor Movie AU. What if not only Thor was banished to Midgard? What if Odin decided to punish them all and cast out Loki too? And while Jane still found Thor, Loki landed somewhere else and was found by Tony. Things would have turned out way different for sure. 

Draw is of Loki being cast out and falling.

Entry #11

Loki shows up uninvited to Tony's housewarming party with a hateful bouquet of flowers. It's a party that only a few of Tony's friends have been invited to.

There will be one painting, a mix of traditional and digital art, where Loki is holding the flowers.

Entry #12

At the end of Thor: The Dark World, Thor thinks Loki is dead and he’s heading back to Earth, what if he spends some time with the Avengers in the following weeks then? Being depressed. After questioning him, Thor tells them what happened. In his eyes Loki redeemed himself so he won't take any bad comment from them. In the following months spending time with the Avengers he let's comments and stories slip about Loki and while at first they were uncomfortable with it and said nothing, after a few weeks they encouraged Thor to tell them things for various reasons. Thing is, the more Tony hears the more he's crushing on the guy, a dead guy, how insane is that? Then one day after spending some time in Asgard, Thor comes back carrying an unconscious and badly hurt Loki in his arms. Apparently he was not dead and Thor found him like this. Needless to say, Tony is the only one to eagerly help right away. 

Drawing is of Thor carrying Loki bridal style. Not even close to done yet, but it's going to be bloody.

Entry #13

Offering someone mortal an golden apple, wasn’t just offering them immortality, it was synonymous with asking them to spend eternity together, which was basically a marriage proposal and a question to become a family in one go. Which yeah, someone should have told Tony that. Loki totally failed to mention it, thinking it was common knowledge. Tony just thought that it was a weird gift of art decoration. It was a fucking golden apple, it didn't look like something to eat, he wasn't all that informed or interested into myths, how was he supposed to know that having the apple sit prettily on his desk and not eating it just showed a painful and long indecision akin to rejection to everyone who knew what the offering of an golden apple actually meant? 

Drawing is of Loki presenting the apple to Tony. I plan to draw another picture with the golden apple sitting on Tony's desk or somewhere in his workplace too.

Entry #14

Smartass Family AU. Loki and Tony have an established relationship and Peter Parker is their son, including Spider-Man powers and all. The picture shows them just hanging around in the kitchen together (some of them quite literally). The story is up to the author. No story at all and just domestic daily life is absolutely fine as well :D

Entry #15

"Tony and Loki have a secret relationship, and are quite happy like that. They also both sometimes like to have some kinky BDSM sex. When Steve hears screaming and bursts into the room, only to see Tony being tied up and in pain, he assumes the worst. Steve tries to defend Tony, and things escalate. How can Loki come back from that?

To me, this idea is less about the porn than about the misunderstandings, secret relationship, the hurt/comfort aspect, and generally the feels. (So if you only want to write implied porn/fade in, that's fine with me :) )

Pic: Loki in the foreground, naked but with a dagger, while Tony is tied up on the bed and Steve is behind him, looking shocked. (I'm not quite up to posting too explicit stuff, so the picture cuts off at the right places ;) )"

Entry #16

Grey Scale with red as the only pop of color. Loki draped in a plain chair, wearing nothing but heels and dark briefs, holding the leash attracted to Tony’s collar. Tony in similar briefs and a custom collar that exactly matches Loki’s shoes. And pulling the whole thing off with a Ta-Dah gesture and cheeky grin… While all of New York is spread out below them. There is a prompt available if desired. 

There is currently only one picture, but possibly another of a SFW-ish nature might be possible if there is something in the story that would make a good one. Would prefer consensual, minimal gore and happy endings.   

Entry #17

Your general coffeshop!AU, where Tony is, well, Tony, an extremely annoying customer coming up with the most ridiculous orders mostly just to spite Loki, who did nothing (but not really) to deserve all this and has to put up with Tony's shit. Oh, they also might or might not be friends with benefits, not that it changes anything.

Entry #18

Wanda’s powers get stronger and she can’t really control them anymore. They need someone who can teach her, a sorcerer would be best. But there is no one on earth that can help and there either are not many mages on Asgard or they are too weak to help. So after it gets worse and Wanda completely loses control, Thor decides to take Loki out of prison and bring him to earth to let him teach her. Which he does. To the surprise and horror of everyone. But it works. Thing is, after spending a bit of time with Loki and watching them do their magic thing, Tony falls hard and fast for Loki and starts to get jealous when Loki’s attention is solely on Wanda. So, he asks Loki to teach him magic too, anything to get Loki to look at him and hopefully getting him to reciprocate his feelings in the long run too. 

 The drawing is of Loki and Tony sitting on the floor practicing magic. Or more like Tony staring at Loki doing magic and failing himself. 

Entry #19

There isn't much to say, to be honest. I've got this idea of a drawing from a long, long time-- and now, hooray! I finally managed to put it into works! I came up with this visual (even if slightly different, at first) by listening to a song. I guess it was from one of those Frostiron mixes that, at the time, were everywhere (I kinda loved them, I think I've saved a couple of them as well, somewhere) 

Anyway. Seeing and then trying to cope with UnC*vil Whatever made finally up my mind about this drawing. Something where Tony at least looks happy and/or relaxed. In the very first idea, Loki wasn't even there. Then he just came in, and I couldn't say no to him :D 

Entry #20

The Avengers have a magic wielding villain on their hands, it gives them problems, because the best way to defeat magic is magic itself. Which they don't have. So when the villain does something that really threatens a city and lots of people, they need someone who is a skilled sorcerer to stop it. There either aren’t that many mages in Asgard or they just need the very best or a real powerful one, which yeah, that’s Loki currently rotting in his Asgardian prison. So Thor gets him out, brings him to Midgard, in chains and muzzled, wanting Loki to help out… which surprisingly the latter actually does. But what is even more surprising, is when afterwards Tony wants to keep him, not only because he would be an asset for the team, or because he’s terribly curious about magic, even if that does factor in a lot, but well, he has his personal reasons that count the most. Besides, no one touches his stuff, which yup, he pretty damn fast saw Loki as his and was pissed off enough already that Thor took Loki away in the first place, because again: Loki was his. 

Picture is of Loki muzzled... so far, planning to add chains and Thor next to him, maybe Tony and the others on the opposite side too.

Entry #21

Role reversal AU. Loki is a successful engineer, his company is well administered by his old friend Pepper, the Avengers are well liked by the general public and no one is trying to kill him. He could even believe he got a bit of good karma in his account. Except now Thor’s brother-in-law is on his balcony, being obnoxious and asking for a drink. And no matter how attractive or familiar the guy is, if he open his mouth again, he’s gonna be defenestrated.

The pic(s):

+ In Loki’s workshop, Tony shows his magic for a awestruck Loki, with Tony looking fondly to Loki and a lot of scans runs in the background.

+ A little comic strip of Tony arriving suddenly and freaking Loki out.

Entry #22

Pre Thor 1, during Iron Man 1. Kinda Reverse Role thing, where Loki is still loyal to Asgard while Tony as Iron Man is on a rampage to destroy warfare and terrorism after no one takes him seriously when he comes back from Afghanistan. Loki is part of the team to stop him.

The art shows Tony ready to blow something up with his repulsor while Loki clings to his back and grabs his wrist.

Entry #23

Due to their longevity, they take being in love really seriously. When a relationship gets serious in their eyes, when they can imagine being with that person for eternity, they stop even looking at other people, they take everything into being with just that one person, to be together forever. So it’s natural for Loki to feel like shit every time he sees Tony flirt playfully with someone else, not getting that it’s just fun for Tony and nothing more, thinking Tony does not take their relationship seriously, doesn’t want to spend their life together. And that hurts, really hurts, badly. It’s destroying him from the inside, but he says nothing. Just gets more and more depressed over time. And Tony sees that, but doesn't get why. Surprisingly, it’s Thor of all people, who after nearly strangling Tony for hurting his brother, clears that misunderstanding up.

Drawing is of Tony and Loki sitting together, Loki looking very depressed, Tony worried.

Entry #24

A lot of races are pregnant for a very long time compared to Midgardian pregnancies. But with a long pregnancy, the first few months are crucial, it leaves them very vulnerable and a lot miscarry. So when Loki notices that Tony knocked him up, he’s not saying anything about it, wants to see if he gets through these critical months first. Tony on the other hand is a constant bundle of worry, Loki is sick all the time, having regular fainting spells that freak him out, Loki even got so weak that the last time Thor hit him playfully on his shoulder it actually got him to stumble and show bruises for a few days, when it normally wouldn’t even move him one inch. Tony was sure Loki was so ill that he would die on him soon. Imagine his surprise when he wakes up one day to Loki grinning happily at him and telling him he's pregnant. Good thing that a pregnancy of over three years gives Tony at least enough time to wrap his head around it. Mpreg drawing of Tony touching Loki's baby bump.

Entry #25

Young Mer!Loki and Young Bird!Tony meet each other and become friends. 

There is not much world building, just they meet each other when they was young, become friends, when they getting older, they fall in love with each other. (And Happily ever after!)

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

13 Keys to the White House

I hate politics with a burning passion. The whole subject just makes me depressed and stressed, but like a moth to the flame I find myself unable to escape it. My politics posts were topical and relatively popular during the lead up to the 2020 election, but things have quieted down considerably a we adjust to the new normal under a sane but useless president. For this reason, I've decided that the best way to spend my time is to try and make prediction about 2024, because it makes me feel like I have some semblance of control over my life when in reality these things are well out of my hands.

Allan Lichtman is a political analyst who has correctly predicted every presidential election since 1984, and working backwards his method correctly accounts for every election since 1860; with the only hiccup being 2000 when he predicted Al Gore would win (by all rights he did; he won the popular vote and he would have won the Florida recount if George W. Bush's brother hadn't illegally stopped it and delayed it until it was too late to restart).

Lichtman gives 13 yes or no statements to assess the performance of the incumbent party over the last four years, and has determined that if eight or more are true then the incumbent party wins another term. If six or more are false, the challenging party wins instead. From Wikipedia they are:

Midterm gains: After the midterm elections, the incumbent party holds more seats in the U.S. House of Representatives than after the previous midterm elections.

No primary contest: There is no serious contest for the incumbent party nomination.

Incumbent seeking re-election: The incumbent party candidate is the sitting president.

No third party: There is no significant third party or independent campaign.

Strong short-term economy: The economy is not in recession during the election campaign.

Strong long-term economy: Real per capita economic growth during the term equals or exceeds mean growth during the previous two terms.

Major policy change: The incumbent administration effects major changes in national policy.

No social unrest: There is no sustained social unrest during the term.

No scandal: The incumbent administration is untainted by major scandal.

No foreign/military failure: The incumbent administration suffers no major failure in foreign or military affairs.

Major foreign/military success: The incumbent administration achieves a major success in foreign or military affairs.

Charismatic incumbent: The incumbent party candidate is charismatic or a national hero.

Uncharismatic challenger: The challenging party candidate is not charismatic or a national hero.

In 2020 the chips fell thusly:

False: the Democrats won more seat in 2018 than the Republicans in 2014

True: Trump was the only Republican candidate, and in fact many states canceled their primaries to give it to him

True: Trump was running for another term

True: the libertarians and the greens didn't get nearly as much air time as they did in 2016

False: Covid recession

False: Trump dug a hole so deep it'll take us years to crawl our way back out of it

True: McConnell's court packing scheme, 3 justices, America First foreign policy, sucking up to dictators, alienating our allies

False: George Floyd protests

False: too many to name

True: not failing doesn't necessarily mean succeeding

False: case in point, he didn't accomplish any of his goals like ending the war in Afghanistan or disarming North Korea

False: although his base worships him as the second coming of Christ, they only make up 40% of the country, and the other 60% HATES him

True: Biden is a boring old man that both right-wingers hate and progressive leftists hate. Only moderates and centrists really like him

That's 6 true and 7 false. Trump needed 8 true to win, so Lichtman called it for Biden in summer. While we can make some assumptions about the future, we can't predict everything, so there will be a lot of unknowns that prevent us from drawing solid conclusions. I'll update this post as time goes on; we should have a fairly solid picture by early 2023 after the midterms.

Almost certainly false: the Democrats are hanging on by a thread as is, and 2022 will see dozens of competitive House seats redrawn by Republican to give themselves an advantage going forward. I'm pretty sure the Republicans will take back the House, but even if they don't there's no way the Democrats will manage to hang onto as many seats in 2022 as they won in 2018 (235)

Probably true: to hear Biden tell it, he's a spring chicken at the top of his game and wholeheartedly intends to run for re-election in 2024. I give it 50/50 odds that he bows out due to declining health and gives it to Kamala Harris, but either way they have the nomination in the bag. Nobody is going to challenge Biden, and nobody serious will challenge Harris.

Unknown: see above

Unknown: this one is leaning towards true, but it's too soon to tell. We think of third-party candidates as being fringe, but they played major roles in 1980, 1992, 1996, 2000, and 2016. I don't expect the networks to give as much airtime to the libertarians and the greens as they did in 2016, but then again all the media outlets made off like bandits during the Trump years. Love him or hate him, he made them a shit load of money, and helping a third-party campaign will ensure another candidate like Trump gets elected

Probably true: it'll be hard for Biden to fuck things up more than they are now. I don't think we'll see ANOTHER recession in less than 4 years, but then again we thought the Great Recession of 2008 would be a once-in-a-lifetime event.

Absolutely true: Obama's second term was prosperous, Trump's term put us deep in the red, so they average out to neutral; as long as Biden can do better than literally nothing, he has this one in the bag.

I don't think so: 2021 was the Democrats' best chance at changing things, but they fumbled like we all expected them to. They have majroties in both houses of Congress and could conceivably railroad through any legislation they want, as Trump did in his first 2 years, but no, they want to play fair, they want to be bipartisan. They extend an olive branch when the other side wouldn't piss on them to put them out if they were on fire. None of Biden's campaign promises will get done.

Probably true: I don't think things can get worse than 2020. Biden is, if nothing else, inoffensive. Republicans are trying to make him out as this socialist boogeyman, but nothing really sticks because he is nearly economically identical to Trump (both party establishments are economically neoliberal). If we were going to go to war, it would have been last year. I don't think there's anything Biden can do to screw things up that badly.

Probably: like I said, Biden is boring, which means he's not take any risks. I think even he has sense enough to realize that the entire country is watching him with a magnifying glass, waiting for him to make any mistake. He's playing it as safe as possible with relative transparency, so I don't see him doing anything shadier than any other president. If the Republicans take back the House they might impeach him as revenge for Trump, but he'll be acquitted and public opinion will probably be on his side.

Unknown: Democrats love to fumble, so this one's up in the air

Unknown: pulling out of Afghanistan might be a success, but the Taliban will just retake control once we're gone and it'll be back to square one. It'll be this generation's Vietnam; a 20 year long waste of time that we ended up losing. I'm still not convicned the withdrawal will even go through.

False: Lichtman didn't call Biden charismatic in 2020, I know for a fact he won't suddenly become MORE popular by 2024. Hes boring. If he didn't run and gave it to Kamala Harris I still don't see this flipping true. She has more energy, sure, but she's disingenuous at best and a two-faced enemy of the revolution at worst. She's a cop.

True: calling it now, nobody the Republicans choose will have national appeal. Lichtman noted that these last two keys are incredibly subjective, but you know it when you see it. For his definition of charisma he cites presidents like Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, JFK, Ronald Reagan, and Barack Obama (2008 Obama, not 2012 Obama; the novelty wore off real quick and we realized he was the Republicans' doormat and a war criminal). If Trump tries for a second term, he'll be even less popular then than he is now, and none of his underlings inspire as much confidence in the party. Ron DeSantis, my state's governor, appears to be the front runner of non-Trumps, but he's so dumb he makes that whole family look like a Rhodes Scholars. America is so divided that I don't think there will ever be another super charismatic candidate with bipartisan appeal.

That's 3 false, 4 unknown, and 6 true. Biden needs 8 true to win a second term, but he has plenty of unknown keys which would turn in his favor. Even Trump avoided a major foreign policy failure, so I'm sure Biden can cinch that key, bringing him up to 7. That and the third-party key seem the most likely to flip true, meaning Biden will probably win, though I could very well see this becoming a repeat of 2000 and 2016 where he wins the popular vote and loses the electoral college. In that case, I expect civil unrest going into whatever Republican's term, verging on total civil war.

One-term wonders are exceedingly rare. Trump was a historically weak candidate who only won because of low voter turnout in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. He saw an Alabama senate seat flip blue, as well as all four seats in Arizona and Georgia, he lost the house and the senate in quick succession, and was impeached twice. He was a loser through and through, and I don't think he'll be coming back.

At least I certainly hope so.

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Thirty One

Urgh, I am still so tired today. 

Luckily, I got my lazy ass out of bed at 06:15 and started getting ready for the day. Eating only one Weetabix for breakfast was a mistake though because I was starving again close to 10:00, but I forged on with the day. 

it was a long and tiring day at work because my written assessments were due today. Naturally, all my students took that to mean ‘take your own sweet time doing a simple writing activity that I basically did for you from scratch without really knowing what you’re actually doing even after I’ve told you a million times how to do it’.  

I think this may be the definition of what an ESL teacher is. 

Still, it wasn’t a horrible day, not at all. I was in good spirits throughout; I even went off-campus with C, AS and PE to get lunch and my favourite passion fruit drink from Ydiendien. Most of my students are done with their assessments, but whoever’s not finished yet will just have to do it on Monday. So if any of my students want to complain about my other classes getting some free time on Monday, they can suck it up because they should’ve done their work quicker. And then they could enjoy some free time after a big test too. It pays to do your work expediently instead of wasting your time being a smartass. 

I don’t have the energy to care anymore about how I’m actually teaching. I just want to get my students through their four assessments for the rest of the semester and a few other mandatory school events like the Speech Contest. And then hopefully, my jaded ass will be done with this mundane crap before I’m hopefully moving onto bigger and better things. It’s a shame; I actually get along with more than 96% of my colleagues and my students and on paper, the school I work at is really great. They just have a super shitty management style and their ESL curriculum is not only outdated, but irrational and counter-productive. There’s no point staying at a job if you’re not growing, both professionally and personally. 

I managed to leave work on time and spent an hour at home vegging on the couch and texting D back and forth. There’s some noisy construction going on in her building and it got her pretty worked up. I just hope she ended up having a better evening after getting a massage earlier to help her cool off. I’ll never understand how Chinese people can build more apartments on top of existing apartments without there being some kind of damage to a building’s structural integrity. As the saying goes: ‘TIC: This is China’. 

Because of that, I spaced out on my timing with making bruschetta before heading over to C’s for Game Night with PE, his wife G, CI and AM. I ended up baking two sets of bruschetta: one with tomatoes and one without, which got me a bit flustered. C’s allergic to tomato too as well as mushrooms, so I had to change my bruschetta recipe ever so slightly and separate the meats and vegetables while preparing the toppings. I kinda thought that it wouldn’t be right to make C sick or kill her because of a bad allergic reaction when she kindly offered to host ‘Game Night’ at her place. 

After lots of dawdling, I made it over to C’s at 18:30. CI, PE and G were already there playing a round of ‘Karma’ while C and AS had gone out to buy more snacks. AM had forgotten about ‘Game Night’ initially, but left the gym to come join us in the end.

It was a really fun night! Everyone liked the bruschetta and the Korean-styled fried chicken that C ordered. I drank some of the cocktails I brought over along with PE’s whiskey and Sprite and AM’s fruit cocktails that she mixed up in a blender, but I didn’t even get tipsy, let alone drunk. It was nice distracting myself and letting go of my worries without using alcohol as an excuse. We played Cards Against Humanity, which was fucking hilarious and just wrong on all levels. Then we used our phones to play some interactive games on PE’s PS4, which was loads of fun too. 

CI was the first to leave because he was pretty tired and then AM left an hour after him. I felt a bit worried about CI’s departure since he initially wanted to leave for the evening when C told us some shocking news related to work. She was told today that my school wouldn’t be renewing her contract next year. And all because she’s been at the school too long (4 years so far) and the new vice-principal thinks it’s better for our school to have a higher turn-over for foreign students. But the school is so ‘sad’ about it and hope that C won’t take it personally and that they’re willing to give her a glowing letter of recommendation.

Honestly, all of the reasoning behind this sounds like total crap. Our new vice-principal just started working at school literally last week and he suddenly has a lot to say about turnover in foreign staff members? 

Nuh, I’m flagging the play and calling bullshit. 

I think that C has inadvertently pissed off a lot of people at our school just by being a better teacher with more innovative teaching methods and who actually cares about the students. And now these people are finally getting what they wanted all-along: the chance to get rid of C under a legitimate and pretentious guise. I feel really sad and angry about the entire affair, mainly because I wanted C to be able to leave on her own terms and reject the school instead of the other way around. They’ve treated her so badly; it would’ve been nice to see everyone’s smug faces shatter when she told them to shove their contract up their asses. 

Still, I know that C will bounce right back from all of this. She’s a trooper and I know she won’t let shitty people get her down for too long. I admire her a lot for it. I honestly don’t care if my school wants to renew my contract or doesn’t at this point. As far as I’m concerned, they can kiss my big, brown ass. They’ll get the picture soon enough when they actually start reading the online reviews from previous staff members about how crap their system really is. But by then, it’ll be too late. C will have moved onto bigger and better things by then, so more power to her. 

It kinda feels like everything is falling apart this year: my parents separated and my dad’s living indefinitely in his own apartment away from my mom; X and I broke up when I thought we’d be each other’s forevers. And now, this business with C not having her contract renewed and her possibly leaving China next year. I think the latter move is what’s best for her, since she’s been in China for 4 years already and her health’s deteriorating. She’ll have better access to healthcare back in the States and she’ll also have better business contacts too. But still, a lot seems to have changed for the worst this year and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. 

Still, I’m not too depressed about things. I just keep showing up and punching my proverbial time card. I can’t afford to curl up into the foetal position in my bedroom and say, ‘Oh well, I gave it a shot. But the Universe and all its fucked up ways wins this round.’ 

Tomorrow’s another day and it usually shines brighter than yesterday ever could. C’s going to take AS around the city tomorrow and help her do some grocery shopping for her new apartment and they invited me along. It’s good that we’ll do it in the morning so I can rest in the afternoon and hopefully exercise in the evening. 

We got a nice bonus at work for Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving), so it’s nice to have a little extra cash this month. I’m gonna use the bulk of my bonus on rent for this month so I only have to withdraw a little rent money next month when it’s due. God works in mysterious ways and he saved me from being flat broke. August was rough on my soul and it took a lot to keep me afloat. But I got through it somehow and I’m grateful that He was there to catch me whenever I fell. 

I’m really lucky. 

It’s not easy walking around every day with a broken heart, wondering if you’ll ever get fixed or just stay a broken toy for a long time to come. That’s probably why I’m giving into shameless perving on anything in human form these days. Because perving is silly and harmless. It gives me a weird feeling of confidence unlike when real feelings are involved. Because when something is real, it means something. And when it means something, you let your guard down and put your trust in another person. And that person has the power to fuck you over for a long time till you’re not sure you’ll have the heart or the courage to love another person again after them. 

That’s what X did to me and I’m in no hurry to give my heart away so soon again. I want to keep my heart to myself for a little while longer until I wake up one day and magically realise that I no longer care about X in any sense. 

Now, it’s already the next day and it’s actually the thirty-second day since I told X to ‘hit the bricks’. As good as it is to get out, meet people and stay busy, I hope I can slow down soon though. I need to start getting proper rest so I can function properly.

I don’t want to think or stress too much about anything that happens from here on out. I just want to live in the moment and try to be happy in which way it comes to me.