#tell me you do not understand bipolar disorder without telling me you do not understand bipolar disorder!!!

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Ok so what would Mihawk be like with a lover who is very bipolar... like their happy on minute and angry the next how would he calm them down🤔 or yk they get a lil bratty and he gotta put them in their place🌚

WaitwaitwaitwaitWAIT

Hold the F UP, Mihawk AND psychology? You're spoiling me 🤭❤️

Oooooh I can't not do this one right now.

Kinda personal because I have some issues that can result in bi-polar tendencies, so this hits quite close to home for me.

I've rewatched this scene a totally normal amount of times I swear. Totally normal.

Mood Swings

OPLA! Mihawk X Reader

Mostly SFW headcanons, only the slightest bit suggestive, kinda hurt/comfort I suppose

Trigger Warning ⚠️ (possibly) for mental health issues, bi-polar and related disorders

♬♫ Rosanna - The Fratellis ♫♬

Baby, you're a mess, I confess

But I guess that I'll save you one of these days

Mihawk doesn't exactly have the patience of a saint, but he still honestly has more patience than most—you don't dedicate your life to becoming the world's greatest swordsman and actually achieve that goal without at least a touch of patience.

Your mood swings amuse him more than anything. Not a cruel sort of amusement, but a more endearing one. You remind him a bit of a cat—sweet and playful one minute, then all claws and bared teeth the next.

Though as amusing as it can be, he sees how it drains you, mentally and physically, and that more than anything is reason enough for him to stay patient with you in the moment.

He'll keep a level tone, just tells you to calm down, even while you're yelling at the top of your lungs that you are calm, yelling insults and potentially hurtful words.

He can't help but smirk a little at how quickly you fly off the handle, which probably doesn't help your own anger, but he really can help but find it a little entertaining, even a little enticing.

Oh, he wants to shove you against a wall, pin your hands over your head and murmur in your ear for you to behave yourself, to just devour you then and there—but he knows that now isn't the time. That can come later, after you've calmed down.

So he just keeps up a calm and reasonable air about himself and lets you vent out whatever frustrations you need to, taking it with a grain of salt because he knows that it won't last.

Just gives a little sigh once you have calmed down, once you've apologized for whatever you have said or done in your anger.

Tells you it's fine, pulls your head down to rest on his lap while he combs his fingers through your hair until your tension has eased off the rest of the way, not faulting you for your moment of vulnerability. Might tauntingly mention that he *should* punish you for being so troublesome, but he's honestly more focused on ensuring you recover.

He really has more trouble dealing with your depressive episodes—he can't stand the thought of you being so low that you can't even pull yourself out of bed.

Mihawk understands that patience is absolutely vital in such cases, but he's not sure whether it's better to give you space or keep you company; to try to convince you to talk, to just hold you quietly, or to leave you to your own devices until you recover on your own.

So in those instances, he's a bit all over the place, and more than a bit frustrated. More likely to be short or snappish in spite of himself. He desires complete control over all aspects of his life, and being at a loss of what to do drives him up a wall, especially if it concerns your well-being and his ability (or inability) to fix it.

He's not going to put you in your place for anything until he's sure you've leveled out, that it won't trigger you or make things worse.

Not until you're able to calmly discuss what's been going on with you, until you're able to laugh and smile and breathe easy in the wake of your own turbulent emotions.

He might punish you relentlessly for being intentionally bratty, for being a sarcastic little shit and clearly doing it to test his patience for the fun of it. In that case, he might pin you to the bed, might tease you to the very edge of sanity, might make you beg and plead for relief or release, but only then.

You're still his lover, and he doesn't have any intention of hurting you in any way that could be lasting, in any way that isn’t consensual—in any way that could make your inner turmoil any more difficult to bear.

[leasstories]

I am here through thick and thin

Eddie Munson x gn!reader

TW: Depiction of Bipolar disorder, depression

WC: 1.3K words

You met Eddie two months ago. You have bipolar disorder and when you met Eddie you were in a manic episode, meaning you were high energy and really quickly head over heels. You never told him about your disorder, not even after he asked you to be his partner. You are too ashamed. But you didn’t plan that your depressive phase would come that soon and that abruptly. And now, it has been a week since you’ve not left the house or given Eddie any news.

Eddie on the other hand, does not understand. At first, he thought you were mad at him, but when he asked around him, no one else have had news or seen you for a week. Eddie is starting to worry. It does not sound like you. Since he met you, Eddie always found you so cheerful and full of energy. He can only imagine that something happened to you, and it worries him so much.

Eddie hasn’t left his house for two days now, pacing in front of the phone and waiting for it to ring. Waiting for you to call him. But it never comes. Eddie starts contemplating going at your place.

After an hour of hesitating, and chewing on his already bitten raw nails, Eddie has enough of worriedly waiting and doing nothing. He put his worn-out Reeboks on and take his van keys.

Eddie climbs into his van and even though he always drives like a maniac, he’s never drove that fast, that dangerously.

Eddie parks quickly and stumbles out of his van. Then he runs to your front door and knock frenetically. As soon as he hears you groan, Eddie is a bit relieved, at least you are alive, and you are home.

You open the door in pajama, hair disheveled and huge eyebags under your eyes.

“Eddie?” you ask surprised.

“Baby…” Eddie coos, hugging you as soon as you finished talking. “I was so fuckin’ worried. What happened, why haven’t I heard from you?” Eddie says in one breathe.

You leave Eddie’s arms and look down at the ground.

“I’m fine.” You lie.

“Baby… ‘m not stupid… What happened? Why do you look so tired?” Eddie asks concerned.

“It’s nothing. You should leave.” You answer sternly. Not because you are mad at Eddie, because you are mad that Eddie saw you like this.

“No, ‘m not leaving you baby. Talk to me, please.” Eddie borderline begs.

“I can’t.” You say, looking at your feet. “Please, leave…” you say, on the verge of crying.

Eddie doesn’t listen to you and comes further into your house before closing the door. He then leads you to the living room, you don’t have the strength to resist.

Eddie sits you on the sofa and sits next to you, taking both of your hands in his.

“I want to help baby, and if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you. I want to make you feel better.” Eddie says, looking into your eyes, his big brown eyes showing concern.

“I’m sick Eddie…” You say so quietly that Eddie almost didn’t catch it.

“What do you mean baby?” Eddie says, putting the back of his hand on your forehead to check your body temperature.

“Not sick like this… But, as soon as you’ll know, you will run away, I know it.” You tell him in a sad tone.

“Nothing could make me run away baby. I swear on my most precious D20.” Eddie says, seriously.

“You know how you’ve always known the cheerful, full of energy me?” You ask, fidgeting with your fingers.

Eddie takes your hands in his again to make you stop fidgeting and hums.

“That’s part of my disorder… I have bipolar disorder…” You say, ashamed.

You expect that Eddie will get up and leave the house without a word, but instead, he looks at you a little confused.

“I already heard this word but… I’m not sure of what it is…” Eddie says, feeling stupid.

You take a deep breath before explaining it to him. “It is a mental illness. I usually have episodes. Sometimes they are manic, like when we’ve met, some time they are depressive episodes like… right now… and sometimes they are mixed, where I have both symptoms of mania and depression at the same time…” You explain, avoiding Eddie’s eyes at all costs.

“What can I do to cheer you up?” Eddie asks, ready to do anything to put a smile on your face.

“Nothing… Eddie I don’t even have the will to live anymore… You shouldn’t even be there!” You tell him, tearing up. “You shouldn’t see me like this.”

Eddie wipes your tears with his thumbs and make you look at him in the eyes. His big brown eyes are only reflecting love and a bit of concern for you.

“Baby… When was the last time you ate?” Eddie asks.

“Don’t remember.” You shrug.

Eddie gets up and hands his hand out to you.

“What are you doing?” You ask.

“We’re going to eat baby; I’m not going to let you starve any longer.” Eddie says.

You get up and take his hand and the two of you head to the kitchen. Eddie makes you sit on a stool, at the counter and looks in the cupboard if he can find any food.

Eddie is relieved when he sees some canned good. He didn’t want to have to leave you alone to go grocery shopping. Eddie puts the food on the stove before turning towards you.

“You do not have to answer if it is too hard to talk about it, but did anything trigger it?” Eddie asks.

You shrug. “I don’t think anything did. Woke up really depressed a week ago.” You say, detached.

“Then we will go through it together, ‘kay baby? I am here through thick and thin.” Eddie says while stirring the canned goods in the saucepan.

“You don’t have to…” You tell him.

“I don’t have to, I want to.” Eddie answers before turning off the stove. He turns towards you and walk to the stool, cupping your face in his big warm hands. “I love you, ‘kay? Your illness won’t drive me away, trust me.” Eddie says reassuringly.

“What if you end up fed up with me…” You self-consciously ask.

Eddie kisses your forehead before answering. “I will not.”

Eddie plates food for you and him and leads you to the couch. He turns the TV on, putting it on some random channel and plops down besides you. When Eddie sees you’re not eating, he decides to use humor.

“Want me to spoon feed you?” He asks smirking.

“Oh… sorry. I zoned out.” You tell him.

“It’s fine.” Eddie says, eating his food, still keeping an eye on you, to check that you are eating well.

Once the two of you finished eating, Eddie takes both of your plates and put it in the sink. He then comes back to you.

“Let’s go cuddle in bed. What are you saying?” Eddie asks.

You nod and get up from the couch, leading Edie to your bedroom. Eddie takes his pants off, keeping only his boxer and Hellfire shirt and lay on the bed, arms opened. You crawl into Eddie’s arms and Eddie holds you. It feels good to be heard, accepted and held. You are still depressed, but being in Eddie’s arms is comforting. Eddie knows. And he is still here. He didn’t abandon you. Instead, he took care of you. More than anyone else ever did before. You listen to his heartbeat and fall asleep in Eddie’s arms. Eddie holds you closer and kisses your forehead before falling asleep as well.

Eddie isn’t going to cure your bipolar disorder, but maybe having to got through all of it with someone else will make it easier to bear.

[silver-hwaberry]

NINETEEN: fears and reunions

Warnings: mentions of bipolar disorder, mental health and OCs fears around it, does not go into explicit details

Word count: 11.2k

Summary: It is the morning after the previous night's events, Seonghwa and Hongjoong have a conversation about Luna's condition. After some thought, Hongjoong decides to talk to her directly. Luna has a heart-to-heart with her mother before returning to the apartment, where everyone has come back from visiting their families.

(AN: this entire chapter is in 3rd person, I appreciate all the feedback on the different format and have decided to focus mainly on 3rd person now with Lunas 1st person POV during certain periods. Again any feedback on this is always appreciated! Thank you to everyone who has read, liked and reblogged so far!)

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

“How was she this morning?” Hongjoong asks, a note of concern in his voice

“I don’t know. She left the apartment before 7am. I thought she was just on her regular morning run but when she still wasn’t back by 7.30am, I checked her room and her work things were gone.” Seonghwa replies. “I know she has a lot of work at the office today and maybe just wanted to get there as early as possible but it’s just worried me a little bit that she left so early.”

Seonghwa had messaged Hongjoong the night before to give him a brief rundown of what had happened. This morning he had got up early, planning to speak to Luna before she left for work. See how she was feeling after a nights sleep but she was already gone. It was now 9.30am and Hongjoong had called him after reading his messages when he woke up.

“When she told me about her bipolar, her main concern was that we would treat her differently. I wish I had been there last night so I could have reassured her.” Hongjoong sighs on the other end of the line

Seonghwa stiffens slightly at the implication, "Are you suggesting that I didn't do enough to reassure her?"

"No! That's not what I meant! You did your best. It's just...I feel so helpless!" Hongjoong exclaims, frustration evident in his tone. "I shouldn't have left Seoul. I should've stayed."

"You're our team captain, but even captains need rest. You couldn't have predicted this," Seonghwa says softly, trying to soothe his friend’s guilt. "Besides, Luna wouldn’t have let you stay even if you tried. Don't beat yourself up over this."

“You are right.” Hongjoong replies. “My dad is driving me back to Seoul in an hour or two so I will be home soon. Maybe I should get him to drop me off at the office instead so I can check up on her.”

“Do you think that is wise to do? Given how Luna hates being fussed over, she might feel cornered.” Seonghwa cautions

“I’m just worried.” comes Hongjoongs reply

"I understand your concern," Seonghwa reassures him. "Look, Luna's a fighter. She's been through so much, yet she remains resilient and strong. If you're set on seeing her before coming home, I won't stop you. Just tread carefully. We don’t want to push her away."

“I’m honestly unsure on what to do. As we get closer to Seoul I’ll see what my gut tells me. And you are right, she is an absolute fighter.” Hongjoong agrees “I am glad you were there for her last night. Do you think she’ll make things up with her mom?”

“Her dad assured me that this can be a common thing between them. Luna can’t suppress her feelings anymore and snaps, her mom gets more protective and Luna pulls away from her. He told me that they will patch things up either today or tomorrow but if it takes a bit longer, not to worry.” Seonghwa says as Hongjoong relaxes a little. He didn’t want a rift between mother and daughter when he knows how close they are and it is obvious how much her family, especially her mom means to her. “He also told me to reach out to him if we have any questions or looking for ways to support her without it being overbearing. He included the others in this.”

"That was considerate of him," Hongjoong remarks with a small smile, "Especially since they see you as her boyfriend and us as just coworkers."

“I don’t think he sees you all as ‘just coworkers’. He knows we all live together and I think Luna has been telling him little things about us all. He said he is thankful that we all look after her.” Seonghwa replies

“What are her parents like?” Hongjoong finds himself asking

“They are genuinely wonderful people. Her dad is really tall! A bit scary at first obviously but he is funny, down to earth and kind. He isn’t the scary old school military guy I had imagined in my head! Luna gets her caring nature from him.” Seonghwa answers with a small smile

“And her mom?” Hongjoong presses further

Seonghwa continues, “The same as her dad. Funny, laid back and really kind. She is tiny though, shorter than Luna but they look so alike. Obviously she can be pretty intense. She's fiercely protective of Luna, sometimes to a fault. But it all comes from a place of love. She wants the best for her daughter and can be a bit overbearing at times, but it's only because she cares so deeply.”

“It sounds like Luna is lucky to have such supportive parents.” Hongjoong reflects thoughtfully, “We just need to make sure she knows she can rely on the two of us, until she is ready to tell the others.”

“We will!” Seonghwa assures him, “We will be there for her as much as she will let us be.”

“Anyway, I should go make sure I have everything packed up. I’ll be back in Seoul soon,” Hongjoong sighs lightly

“I’ll see you when you get home and don’t worry about Luna.” Seonghwa replies before the pair say goodbye and hang up.

As Seonghwa gently places his phone on the sofa, his eyes shift towards her partially open bedroom door. Through the gap the early morning sunshine floods the room with warmth, casting a soft glow that extends into the little alcove between the lounge and her room. His heart sinks a bit, hoping that she is truly okay this morning.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Hongjoong instantly feels relaxed the second he opens the door to his studio. It was his safe place, his little sanctuary. Spending 4 days without work was hard for him but he was determined to keep his promise to Luna that he would spend his break resting, enjoying time with his parents and his older brother who was also visiting them at the same time. He actually found that he was coming back to Seoul with a clear head though, the time away from his studio and work laptop gave him some clarity regarding the music he was currently working on, and he was excited to get started on it again.

He places his suitcase in his studio before leaving the small room and walking to the door next to his. Inside he can see a light shining through the frosted glass of the little window, a small smile creeping onto his face as he knows Luna is in there.

As he raises his hand to knock, a familiar voice calls out from behind him. Turning around, he sees Maddox, a close friend and fellow musician, approaching with a steaming mug of coffee in hand.

“Looks like I surprised you.” Maddox teases him with a grin. “I wasn’t expecting to see you until tomorrow morning at the very least!”

“You know me!” he laughs shrugging his shoulders. “I can’t stay away from here!”

Maddox raises an eyebrow in playful curiosity. "Don't tell me you have an English lesson with Luna on the same day you came home?"

Hongjoong quickly improvises, thinking on his feet. He couldn't possibly reveal that his sole purpose for stopping by the office was to see Luna. "Nope, not today! I just wanted to drop by my studio for an hour. But when I saw the light on in Luna's office, I can’t resist saying hi."

Maddox takes a sip of his coffee, amusement dancing in his eyes. "Ah, I see." Something in the playful look in his friends eye made Hongjoong feel like Maddox was seeing through him.

“How was your break? Did you work nonstop like usual?” Maddox asks

Hongjoong shakes his head, a slight smile forming on his lips. "No, not this time. I even left my work laptop in my studio."

Maddox lets out a laugh. "Miracles do happen! So, you're here, probably itching to get some work done now that you're back."

“Caught red handed!” Hongjoong jokes, playfully holding up his hands

“Well I better go. I am doing a live in 10 minutes. I’ll see you next week as the team has the final meeting on the new bands album.” Maddox says

“Gosh, their debut date is so close now!” Hongjoong smiles, fondly remembering his own with Ateez. “See you next week!”

As Maddox walks down the corridor and disappears from sight, Hongjoong's attention returns to Luna's door. He quickly scans the area to ensure no one else is around before knocking gently. A moment passes without any response, so he knocks again, this time a little louder.

A loud groan comes from within the room, followed by some mumbled swearing in English. Hongjoong's stomach tightens with worry, fearing that he might have interrupted her from important work. Suddenly, the door swings open, revealing a frustrated looking Luna. But as soon as she sees him, her expression softens and she pulls him into her room by his hand, swiftly closing the door behind them. Luna wraps her arms around his shoulders tightly.

"Joongie!" she exclaims blissfully.

Hongjoong is momentarily taken aback by her sudden display of affection but quickly recovers, reciprocating by wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her just as tightly. Her head buries into his neck and he can feel her warm breath on his skin.

“I missed you so much, Joongie!” she mumbles

"I missed you too," he replies, a genuine smile tugging at the corners of his lips. The sound of her calling him by that nickname sends a flutter through his heart. He takes a deep breath, inhaling her familiar scent of vanilla and coconuts. “I didn’t interrupt you, did I? You sounded a little annoyed when I knocked a second time.”

Luna pulls back slightly, looking up at him with affectionate eyes. "Of course not. I had my earphones in, and the loud knock startled me. I jumped and accidentally hit my knee on the desk."A faint blush colours her cheeks at the fact he heard her swearing.

“Is your knee okay?” he asks concerned

“It is fine! My own clumsy fault.” she replies “Why are you here? I thought we were meeting back at the apartment tonight.”

Hongjoong smiles and caresses her face gently with one hand. "I kept my promise to you - no work while I was away. I had decided to leave my laptop in the office and I wanted to pick it up before heading home."

Luna feels her heart swell slightly at the fact he had went so far to keep his promise to her.

“Plus I wanted to see you too.” he adds.

"Check up on me, you mean?" she teases gently. "I know Seonghwa would have told you what happened last night."

"Yeah, he did," Hongjoong acknowledges, worry etching his features. His voice carries a plea for understanding as he says, "Please don't be mad at him."

Luna recognises the worry in his eyes, mirrored from last night when Seonghwa asked if she was okay and when he told her he agreed with her mother about the big changes in her life. It was worry with a hint of fear in the eyes. It isn’t the first time one of them has said the words ‘don’t be mad/upset’ to her either.

"Hongjoong, do I make you feel uncomfortable sometimes?" she asks, searching his eyes for the truth.

Confusion flickers across his face as he asks, "What do you mean?"

"I've noticed in the past few days that sometimes you all seem a bit on edge around me," Luna explains. "It's like you're afraid to tell me something or voice an opinion like I'll fly into a rage or get upset."

Hongjoong hesitates before answering, searching for the right words. In that moment, Luna knows that her fears are not unfounded.

“I don’t want any of you to feel that way!” she tells him earnestly “I know I can be moody and hard to be around but I don’t want you all to be scared to talk to me or ask me how I am.”

Hongjoong's voice is gentle as he responds, moving one hand from her waist to cup her cheek. "Hey, you aren't moody or hard to be around. You make each of us so happy just by allowing us into your life. We're not scared of you; we just worry a little about upsetting you."

“I realise that I made a big deal about not wanting to be fussed over. However I don’t want any of you to be afraid of how I’ll react if you do. I know my condition will make you and Seonghwa worry twice as much, but I promise I won't get upset if anyone fusses over me.” she says, “The reason I said I didn't want to be fussed over is because of my moms over-protectiveness. I know it is because she loves me but I have to hold back so often with her, bite my tongue a lot that when someone else fusses over me, I tend to snap easily. I just didn’t want to take my frustrations out on any of you.”

Hongjoong nods in understanding, his dark eyes soft and sympathetic. "I understand, Luna," he says softly. "And I can only imagine the added stress and strain you must feel by concealing your bipolar disorder from the others."

Luna takes a deep breath before continuing, her voice trembling slightly. "That's why I've decided it's time to stop hiding and be honest with everyone about my bipolar disorder. I'm tired of living in fear, constantly worrying my sleeve will ride up or hiding when my medication like a dirty little secret. It's exhausting." She meets Hongjoongs gaze.

“Are you truly ready to do or do you feel you have to?” He poses the question to her, his voice gentle but probing.

Luna looks away for a moment, gathering her thoughts, before leaning back into his embrace once again. His arms encircle her protectively, and he starts rubbing soothing circles on her back.

"No," she whispers vulnerably, "I am nowhere near ready." She takes a deep breath and continues, "But I wasn't prepared for Seonghwa to find out and today I feel a little lighter. I told him everything, more than I told you about the scars, and there was no judgement. Neither of you have judged me."

“Baby, I'm glad you feel that way, but it's important for you to be truly ready." he cautions. “I don’t want you to do it and then regret it because it was too soon for you. Seonghwa and I will support you completely until that time comes, so do not worry about that.”

"I honestly don't deserve you," Luna sighs, her voice filled with gratitude. "Thank you."

They linger in each other's embrace for a moment, relishing the rare moment of solitude.

“Oh I had a meeting today. Whether it is good outcome or not I’ll let you decide since it involves you!” Luna beams up at him

Hongjoong recognises the mischievous glint in her eyes, prompting a smile to spread across his face.

“I am sure it will be good!” he chuckles, tucking some of her hair behind her ear

“The CEO has asked me to work with you all for the Japanese track. It’s mainly to ensure the Japanese lyrics and vocals are on point.” she says “Not that he doesn’t trust your Japanese!” she quickly adds, realising how her words might have sounded to him

“Are you kidding me? I think this is amazing news Luna!” he grins, feeling his stomach bubble with excitement

“I was hoping you’d be okay with this, me being a part of that process.” she returns his level of excitement. “I don’t know anything about making or producing music, and lord knows I am a terrible singer so should not be involved in any of that stuff!” she laughs before continuing “However I am very fluent in Japanese as it was the second language I learned as a child alongside Korean and I am confident in my skills in that regard. Eden has already given me the songs that will have a Japanese version and I am working on translating them now.”

"We're all pretty basic when it comes to Japanese." Hongjoong admits with a smile. "We usually bring in someone new for these tracks, someone we've never met before but it will be amazing to have you there, something we fully trust."

"I just hope I can contribute and not hinder anything," Luna replies.

With a gentle smile, he reassures her, "You will be incredible. We usually do vocals individually in the recording studio, given our busy schedules. I'll make sure it's just us and whatever member is doing the vocals at that moment, one on one to make the process easier for you." He reaches over to caress her cheek, his touch warm and comforting. "I'm excited to have you in the studio with me. It will be a great experience," he adds with genuine enthusiasm. “And getting to spend some time alone with you will be an added bonus.” his voice takes on a low, husky tone that sends butterflies dancing in her stomach.

His eyes drop to her lips, Luna noticing and instinctively tucking her lower lip between her teeth as his fingers thread through her soft dark hair. Her usual wavy hair is poker straight today, her long bangs perfectly framing her delicate face. With a slight tilt of his head, Hongjoong leans in and their lips meet.

It was the first time they’d kissed since their first one in his studio weeks before but also the first time they had been alone. Both being busy with work and like ships passing in the night. In this moment of pure solitude, Hongjoong promises himself to make more time for her.

The kiss is slow and comforting to them both. The outside world around them fading away as they get lost in one another. After what seemed like an eternity, Hongjoong pulls back slightly, his dark eyes searching hers for any sign of hesitation or doubt. “I really missed you.” Hongjoong whispers softly.

Luna's feel a warmth spread through her chest at the way he is looking at her, his eyes filled with affection which she has never seen before from him. She brushes her fingertips against the side of his face. "I missed you too," she replies softly. She leans forwards to capture his lips once more but a firm knock at the door causes them to pull apart harshly. Hongjoong taking a few steps backwards and while Luna quickly fixes her tussled hair from his fingers before saying as calmly as possible, “Come in!”

Both Hongjoong and Luna look towards the door to see Hyunshik walk through the door. His usual mischievous grin on his face as he looks at Luna before spotting Hongjoong at the other side of the room looking at a textbook from Lunas desk in an attempt to look nonchalant.

“Oh hey Hongjoong! Didn’t know you were back at work!” he greets him

“I am not, I came to pick up my laptop then going home. Just wanted to say hi to Luna before I left.” Hongjoong explains

“Ah right.” Hyunshik nods. “Luna, reception called up, your mom has just arrived in the lobby. Ilsung is bringing her up as she has a lot of bags!”

“That will probably be food for everyone!” Luna chuckles. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“I have a meeting to go to so let me know if there is any leftover food!” he replies laughing too

“Oh you can bet on it! I’ll message you first!” she says

“That’s my bestie!” he grins holding his fist out for her to bump

“I got your back!” Luna replies with a smile reciprocating the fist bump

Hongjoong observes their interaction closely, his eyebrow arching slightly at the exchange. Hyunshik gives him a smile before leaving the room. Luna tilts her head, catching the subtle change in Hongjoong's expression. Sensing an unspoken question hanging in the air, she decides to address it directly.

"Is everything alright, Hongjoong?" Luna asks

Hongjoong's demeanour softens as he meets Luna's gaze. "Oh, everything's fine," he reassures her with a small smile. "Just observing the ‘besties’ in action."

Luna chuckles lightly, “Hyun is the only person I’ve made friends with in this place. He keeps bugging me to join the staff hangouts after work but it’s not really my scene.”

“Why not?” he asks

Luna ponders for a moment before responding. She doesn't particularly want to mention that there are certain colleagues like Chaeyoung and Iseul whom she can't stand. Although they don't attend these post-work gatherings, there are some who do that are friendly with them and she doesn’t fully trust them.

“I have enough friends. And with my relationship with you guys I don’t want more people involved in my life. I am a private person in general. With Hyun, we get along. He was the first member of staff to actually talk to me, we have the same sense of humour and I know I would have been friends with him if we’d met elsewhere.” Luna responds. “Does it bother you that we are friends?”

“No!” he answers instantly. “Not at all! I love that you’ve got a friend here! I just wasn’t aware you had been a close friend yet as you don’t really talk about your friendships with members of staff. It didn’t even cross my mind, which I know is bad and comes across like I don’t care.”

“Oh Joongie, I know you care, even when you are busy with work,” Luna reassures him, smiling warmly and reaching for his hand. “I notice the little things you do for me, like filling up my tub with fresh strawberries every day.”

“I didn’t think you knew it was me doing that.” Hongjoong replies, his cheeks blushing.

“I caught you doing it one night when you came home late. I was on my way to the pantry for a midnight snack and saw you in the kitchen.” Luna reveals affectionately.

Hongjoong goes to respond but they hear a noise outside her room door and he quickly lets go of her hand. Ilsung and her mom walk in. Hyunshik wasn’t kidding when he said she had a lot of bags! Ilsung has 6 giant bags of food while her mom is holding 3.

“Apples were my saving grace during my morning sickness with the twins.” her mom shares with Ilsung “I was lucky with Luna and didn’t have any of those symptoms but the twins were a very different story!”

“I’ll definitely pass that on to my wife. She’s tried everything, but the nausea really takes a toll on her at work, and I feel utterly helpless hearing how her day is being affected by it all.” Ilsung responds, a tinge of guilt clouding his tone.

“It is different for all women but giving the apples a shot won’t hurt.” she advises with a warm smile

“Thank you, I’ll grab some on my way back tonight,” Ilsung replies gratefully. “It was truly delightful meeting you, Eunbi.” He flashes a smile at her as Luna and Hongjoong observe quietly.

“You too, Ilsung. I wish you all the best for the future too!” she says “Make sure you take those bags to the others.”

Ilsung bows to her and nods towards Hongjoong before leaving. Luna looks at her mom and feels a bubble of nerves in her tummy. She knows they would talk and sort things out, like they always have done in the past but she was always nervous to have these talks.

“Oh he is such a lovely young man! His poor wife is suffering so badly from morning sickness, such a shame!” her mom says to Luna and Hongjoong

“Hi mom.” Luna says, rubbing at her arm

Hongjoong notices this from the corner of his eye. He longs to reach out and take her hand for reassurance but holds back due to her moms presence. His struggle between desire and restraint becomes apparent to himself as he grapples with his newfound feelings for Luna and his typically reserved demeanour that never allowed him to be openly affectionate – until now, that is. The days they spent apart made him realise how deeply he cares for her.

“Ah Hongjoong! It is lovely to finally meet you!” Lunas mom smiles at him

“You too.” he replies bowing to her

“I brought some food for you boys as well.” she says holding one bag to him “Nothing fancy, just some home cooking I did this morning.”

Luna can’t help but smile. She knew her mom would have been up at the crack of dawn cooking this. One thing she took great pride in was taking care of people and one way of doing that is through cooking. It was one of the many traits Luna got from her mom.

“They are still on holiday, Mom. Joongie was just picking up his laptop.” Luna explains

Her moms eyebrow raises, Luna instantly feels her heart skip a beat at the nickname slipping out. Hongjoong feels her body tense up from beside him and quickly takes the 2 bags from her moms hands.

"Thank you, Mrs. Lee. I'm sure the others will appreciate it," he says with a warm smile. “I am heading back to the apartment now so I’ll make sure the others eat and there will be leftovers for Luna when she returns home tonight too.”

“I’m delighted to see you have such a caring friend Luna! Someone who clearly cares for you.” she smiles as Luna nods trying to remain neutral and hide any hint of her true relationship with Hongjoong from her moms great detective skills. “And please call me Eunbi! My husband is Sam too! Make sure to tell the other boys as I am sure our paths may cross at some point and I hear enough of ‘Mrs Lee’ from my students and Sam hears plenty of ‘Major Lee’ at his job too!!” she adds with a light laugh to Hongjoong

“Of course Mrs L… Eunbi.” he says with a slight wince on his face as he bows again. Luna hides a smile as she knows Hongjoong will be hating calling her by her first name. Lunas mom also picks up on his face and gives Luna is playful wink. “It was lovely to meet you, but I should be going now. I’ll see you tonight Luna.” he adds moving towards the door

“Bye.” Luna says as he walks through it

Her moms voice echoes through the room, mischief lacing her tone. "Bye Joongie!" The door closes behind him just as quickly as her words had left her lips.

"Mom!" Luna protests, a soft laugh escaping her as she lightly nudges her moms shoulder. "That was mean!"

“I live with your dad! I need to get my kicks where I can!” she laughs opening the food containers as they sit down at Lunas desk.

As they settle down to eat, Luna feels another wave of nervous anticipation wash over her. The thought of discussing last night's events twists knots in her stomach.

“You and Hongjoong seem close.” Eunbi observes softly, breaking the silence

“Hongjoong’s been there for me. He has become a… very dear friend to me already.” Luna replies taking a sip from her water bottle.

She looks at her moms expression carefully, uncertain if she is hinting at something more than friendship or merely making an observation.

“He seems to care for you a lot and I like that he does.” Eunbi says with a fond smile “I know you have your core group of friends with Seojun, Nayeon, Jieun and Dasom, and they are wonderful kids but it is nice to see you letting more people into your life.”

After a pause, her mom looks at her with a serious expression. “Luna,” she begins, causing the knot in Lunas stomach returning. Has she saw through her facade of Hongjoong being a friend only? "I owe you an apology for my words last night. I should have approached you privately. I was under the impression that Seonghwa was aware.” she says

"I hadn't found the right moment to tell him yet," Luna admits, her eyes downcast as she focuses on the food in front of her. "I needed more time."

Her mother's voice softens with regret. "I'm truly sorry for forcing you into revealing something so personal before you were prepared."

“I should have told you beforehand not to mention it. But honestly, I didn’t think you would.” Luna says. “However, it was okay. Seonghwa wasn’t freaked out by it.”

“Why would he be?” Eunbi asks, her eyes full of concern as she looks at her daughter

"I’m not ashamed of my bipolar disorder… it just frightens me sometimes," Luna confesses, blinking back impending tears.

“Oh honey!” Her mother immediately sets down her utensils and rounds the table to envelop Luna in a comforting hug. Overwhelmed by emotional exhaustion, Luna sinks into the embrace, releasing all her pent-up emotions.

“It’s okay to be scared from time to time, but never forget how brave you are every day.” her mom says gently, brushing a strand of hair behind Luna's ear.

After taking a few moments to compose herself, she pulls back slightly and looks up at her mom with tear-filled eyes. The sight of her firstborn daughter in such emotional turmoil tore at Eunbi's heart. Like all mothers, the sight of her child in pain was unbearable. Yet, this was a pain she could not erase for Luna, no matter how much she wished she could.

“I don’t like people treating me differently,” Luna admits “and I don’t want to be defined by it.”

Eunbi smiles caringly, dabbing Luna tears away. "You are so much more than any label. Those who truly love and care for you you will understand that."

Luna sniffles, grateful for her moms reassuring words. "I know, Mom. I just... it's hard sometimes."

“I know honey, I know.” she replies stroking her head, “And I know I can make it harder for you, I am overbearing and smothering at times. I am so sorry for that.”

“I know why you are though.” Luna says looking at her mom, “You care a lot and just want the best for me but please just trust me. I understand that is hard given the hell I put you and dad through last year and you’ll probably always worry about me but I know how to look after myself now. I take my medication everyday at the same time, I see my therapist regularly, I practice mindfulness, I talk to my friends when things are tough and go for my morning head clearing runs. I am aware of things now and I am in such a happy place in my life with my job and with… Seonghwa.”

“I can see that. I know that he cares for you deeply, I could see that the second I saw him look at you last night. Hongjoong does as well.” Eunbi says, “Talk to them the way you do with your friends, let them in and allow them to help.”

“Hongjoong knows about my diagnosis but I don’t know how to tell the others. I’ve built up such a protective wall around myself regarding my diagnosis.” her voice falters slightly, “First thing I said to them when I moved in, was not to fuss over me with my allergies, don’t ask me how I am, or treat me different and speaking to Hongjoong this afternoon, I realised that I’ve made them all on edge with that. They are too worried to do those things now. I want to let them in, be closer to each of them but I don’t know how to without being guarded.”Another stray tear falls from Luna eye as her lip wobbles.

Eunbi looks carefully at her daughter, seeing the conflict in her face but also picking up on the way she is mentioning to the others. It is clear to her that Luna cares for more than just Seonghwa and Hongjoong.

“You have been little Miss Independent since you learned to walk! Wouldn’t let your father or I help you.” Eunbi smiles gently “Your health conditions have made you more guarded, which is understandable. However, don't let it prevent you from opening up to all of them and allow them to be there for you.”

Luna shifts in her seat, the hesitation evident in her voice as she takes a deep breath. “What if they see me differently? As a weak fragile person.”

“Oh my dear Younha,” Eunbi's words are filled with affection, speaking her birth name with a softness that catches Luna off guard but reassures her deeply, “opening up doesn’t make you weak. It takes strength to be vulnerable, to trust others with your heart and I know they will take care of you, all of them!”

Luna feels more tears welling up in her eyes as she looks at her mom, thankful for her. "I don't want to push them away," Luna admits, her voice barely above a whisper.

Eunbi smiles and replies, "Then don't. Let them in one step at a time, at your own pace, show them your true self - vulnerabilities and all. They care about you more than you realise, and together, you can all support each other through anything life throws your way."

A sense of peace washes over Luna's chest as she nods slowly, a glimmer of courage shining through. Luna knows her mom is beginning to understand the depth of her relationships. “Thank you mom!”

“I love you so so much honey.” Eunbi says kissing the top of Lunas head and hugging her once more.

“I love you too mom.” Luna replies

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Luna walks through the door and instantly can hear the buzz of activity in the apartment. Her face breaks into a smile; it's good to have everyone home. She takes off her coat and hangs it up before slipping off her sneakers. Suddenly a pair of strong arms wrap around her from behind, lifting her effortlessly off the ground. Surprised and delighted, a playful scream escapes Luna's mouth. She feels warm breath against her neck, accompanied by a tender kiss that ignites a spark within her. In that moment, she knows exactly who it is.

"Wooyoung!" she giggles, turning to face him with gleeful arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. His cheeky grin mirrors her own excitement.

“Miss me?” he asks playfully

Luna smirks, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Not really," she teases, barely able to contain her amusement. "I barely noticed you were gone!"

“Oh wow, that hurts!” he says pretending to be upset “Maybe I won’t give you any kisses then!” he grins

“Ha! I’d like to see you try to go a night without trying to kiss me!” she laughs in reply

In truth she missed him and he had missed her too. They all had but playful banter and teasing were Luna and Wooyoungs first instincts with one another.

“Just you see me succeed with that!” he replies

“Okay Mr Jung! Lets see how long you last!” she says, pulling away from him “I wonder if San is home yet…”

“Oh hell no, he isn’t getting kisses before me!” he pouts, holding onto her arm and pulling her back into his body again. “Not when I’ve been waiting by the door for nearly an hour for you to come home!” his lips capture hers as she lets out a muffled giggle

She throws her arms around his shoulders once more and kisses him back, happy to have him close to her once again but also secretly enjoying that he didn’t even last 10 seconds. His hands slip down to her rear, gently squeezing it as he pulls her even closer.

“Did you miss me though?” he asks, pulling back. Luna can see his eyes are serious.

“Of course I did Woo.” she replies softly. “A lot!”

“Good!” he smiles, placing another kiss on her lips. “As much as I want to pick you up, take you to my room and keep you all to myself for the rest of the night, we should go see the others.”

As Wooyoung and Luna walk into the kitchen, Seonghwa and Yunho are in there. Seonghwa is cleaning the cooker while Yunho is sitting at the kitchen island. Luna goes straight to Yunho and hugs him causing him to smile and pull her onto his lap sideways. He places his lips on hers while leaning her backwards, holding onto her tightly so she doesn’t fall as she laughs lightly. Luna is pleased to see how confident he is being at showing affection for her in front of the others now and she knows their night together has definitely made them closer. He gently pulls her upright, pulling back from the kiss but still keeping her close to him.

“Someones in a good mood.” she teases playfully as her hands play with the fabric of his hoodie.

"Just happy to have you home," Yunho replies contentedly, savouring the soft kisses she plants on his cheek, a chuckle escaping his lips.

Luna settles comfortably into Yunho's lap, feeling his warm embrace around her. But as she leans against him, she senses a presence lingering nearby. Turning her head, she catches sight of Seonghwa standing a few feet away with a gentle smile on his lips as he looks on at them. Sensing Luna's silent acknowledgement, Yunho eases his hold on her, silently granting her permission to approach Seonghwa if she desires. Grateful that Yunho has picked up on this, Luna pecks his cheek before gliding over to Seonghwa, who meticulously removes his cleaning gloves.

“How was your day?” Seonghwa asks leaning down to hug her

"Surprisingly good," Luna replies happily looking up at him, a shadow of her previous night's weariness erased. Seonghwa notices the visible transformation in Luna, putting his earlier concerns to rest.

"That's what I like to hear, darling." A warm smile plays on his lips, reflecting his genuine relief. She goes on her tip toes to place a kiss on his lips before resting her head on his shoulder.

As Luna and Seonghwa share a moment, everyone can hear the loud footsteps of someone rushing down the stairs. Luna pulls away from Seonghwa, turning her head towards the sound. Her eyes light up as she recognises the familiar figure stepping into the room.

“Ah my princess is finally home!” Mingis deep voice booms through the kitchen as he enters. Seonghwa lets go of Luna so she can go to Mingi as he watches on fondly.

“Mingi!” she smiles widely. As Mingi lifts Luna into his arms, spinning her around, she giggles and murmurs into his ear, "I missed you today."

"Missed you too," he replies gently, setting her back down on the floor and planting a kiss on her forehead. "Brought me any treats today?"

Luna feigns indignation, rolling her eyes playfully. "What do you think?! Of course I did! I got you cookies today."

As Mingis eyes light up at the mention of the cookies, Wooyoung chimes in “Hey! What about me? Am I not getting any treats?” he pouts

“You just got kisses, isn’t that a treat?” she laughs poking his side

“I mean kisses are great but a man needs his snacks too you know!” he replies, grabbing her waist and tickling her gently

“Woo, don’t!” she shrieks with laughter trying to get away from him

Luna's heart races as she tries to escape Wooyoung, who chases her around the spacious kitchen. Their laughter echoes around the room as Seonghwa, Yunho and Mingi look at them with smiles on their faces at the playful scene. As she runs around the kitchen island her soft socks causes her to slip on the hardwood flooring. Wooyoung tries to grab her to stop her while Yunho who was second closest to her jumps from his seat on the bar stool to catch her. However their attempts are in vain as Luna hits the floor with a loud thud.

“Oh shit Luna, I am so sorry!” Wooyoung says the first to reach her

Lying flat on on her, Luna can’t help but laugh again as she looks up at the ceiling with the 4 men surrounding her on the floor. At this point Hongjoong enters the kitchen.

“What happened?” he asks, a smile on his face at hearing Lunas joyful laughter

“Luna fell over.” Yunho replies

“Oh god!” he says, his smile dropping. He rushes over, nudging Wooyoung out the way to get to her side.

“Are you okay?” Seonghwa asks Luna, concern in his voice

“I am fine!” she manages to reply, trying to suppress her laughter.

“Are you sure?” Mingi asks, his eyes big and round as he looks down at her

“You fell really hard, little one!” Yunho says reaching out to help her

“Really guys, I’m fine!” Despite her assurance, Wooyoung stands off to the side biting his lip nervously, guilt weighing heavily on him. Mingi and Yunho help her up while Hongjoong supports her arm. "I'm surprised it took me this long to fall in front of you all! I am super clumsy on my feet."

Out of the corner of her eye she notices Wooyoung lingering in the background, his face clouded with worry. Guilt hitting him that his actions could have really hurt her. Instantly her laughter stops and she moves from Yunhos hold to go to Wooyoung.

“Hey.” she whispers, cupping his cheek, “I am okay, I promise you!”

"I could've hurt you," he mumbles, not meeting her gaze.

"But you didn't. My clumsy self has fallen over countless times before, so I think my body has developed some kind of resistance to injury by now." She tries to lighten the mood with a joke.

A small smile tugs at Wooyoung's lips as he finally looks at her, relieved that she's alright. Luna can’t resist leaning forwards and hugging him, feeling relief when he hugs her back tightly.

"I fall over my own two feet, I have a habit of dropping things, and sometimes I possess the ability to break objects just by casting my gaze upon them.” She looks over at her other boyfriends. "I've been trying my best to contain it around you guys," she continues, "but I think it's safe to say that Clumsy Luna has finally made her appearance. Brace yourselves for what's to come!"

Yunho chuckles, his eyes crinkling in amusement. "So what you're saying is we need to baby proof the apartment?"

Luna's laughter mingles with theirs, a token of gratitude for their light-heartedness in the face of the situation. Wooyoung leans in, his lips brushing a soft kiss against her temple, sending her heart into a flutter. Turning to him, she finds a gentle smile meant only for her. Drawn to him, she meets his lips in a tender kiss.

"San, Yeosang, and Jongho have collected the food," announces Hongjoong, glancing at a message on his phone.

"We've almost finished setting up. Mingi and I need to grab some drinks from the store quickly," Seonghwa adds.

"I'll get changed," Luna replies, gently extricating herself from Wooyoung's hold. He places a parting kiss on her forehead before releasing her. "Hongjoong, Seonghwa, can we talk privately?" she adds quietly

“Of course. Lets go into the lounge.” Hongjoong replies

The trio retreats into the lounge as Yunho watches them leave. Curiosity tugs at him, but he respects Luna's need for privacy.

“I wanted to thank you both for being so understanding.” Luna begins as they sit on the sofa, Luna in the middle of them. “The last 24 hours have been a lot for you Seonghwa. Your support and non-judgement means a lot.”

“There is no need to thank us darling.” Seonghwa says

“How did things go with your mom this afternoon?” Hongjoong asks, showing concern

“We talked it out, things are back to normal again.” Luna answers, “I’ve decided not to tell the others yet. I know I said to you earlier that I would but honestly, last night was hard enough. Not ready to go through that again so soon with 6 other men.” she continues, "If your offer to support me until I'm ready still stands, I'd be grateful."

“Of course it is, baby!” Hongjoong reassures her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pressing a comforting kiss to her cheek.

Seonghwas eyes widen slightly at the sudden display of affection Hongjoong is showing. It isn’t something he has seen from his oldest friend and leader, nor has he ever seen him be affectionate with a woman ever! It was a running joke within the group that as soon as a female is in close proximity Hongjoong will be as far away as possible.

"We'll both be here for you, as much as you'll let us," Hongjoong promises.

"That's what I wanted to discuss too. I'm going to allow you all to fuss over me, for those who want to," Luna says, managing a smile.

"Really? We don't want to make you uncomfortable," Seonghwa cautions gently.

"There's a difference between showing concern and being overbearing. I think I was conflating the two. I want us all to have an open relationship—that includes letting you all care for me." Luna abruptly adds, "I want to tell Yunho about my bipolar."

"Are you sure?" Hongjoong asks, his hand cradling her cheek with care.

“The hiding has caused me gut-wrenching anxiety and Yunho’s noticed. I know he is worried about me.” she answers, “The other night we opened up to one another and I want him to know.”

She feels a small heat flash across her cheeks, wondering if Hongjoong and Seonghwa know what she truly means by that. Seonghwa had a sense their relationship had progressed to this stage, due to Yunhos recent displays of affection and now Lunas words only confirmed it for him and he is genuinely happy for them both.

“Do you want to do it now or leave it until later?” Seonghwa asks in a gentle tone

"It's better to do it now before everyone else returns. We won't have another quiet moment like this for a long time.” she says with determination

Hongjoong nods in agreement before slipping away to fetch Yunho from the kitchen. Luna seizes the moment to snuggle into Seonghwa, who warmly welcomes her embrace.

“How are you holding up?” he asks softly

“Good.” she smiles

Moments later Yunho and Hongjoong come back into the lounge, both sitting on the sofa beside Luna and Seonghwa.

“Is everything okay?” Yunho asks calmly, his voice reassuring.

“There is something we need to discuss before the others get home.” Hongjoong discloses as Yunho nods

Before Seonghwa opens his mouth to tell Yunho what is going on, Luna starts to speak. She knew it had to be her to say the words.

“Yunho, I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed at the beginning of last year during a very dark period of my life. My recent heightened anxiety has been caused due to the pressure I was putting on myself to keep it hidden from you all.” she says. Yunho nods and taking a moment to process the information. “Hongjoong has known for a while and Seonghwa found out last night from my mom. That is why we returned home earlier than expected.”

"Is that why you were so quiet last night too?" he asks gently, to which she responds with a nod. The way Seonghwa was looking at Luna, she was so quiet and subdued when they got home, not her usual bubbly self then falling asleep so suddenly - it all made sense to Yunho now.

“I am sorry for keeping it from you…” she begins

"No need to apologise. I'm just glad you trust me enough to share this with me," he reassures her, reaching for her hands which she gladly accepts.

“I feel bad dropping this on you out the blue and not being able to talk properly about it but I promise you we can talk more in depth tomorrow, or another day if you want. I will answer all of your questions,” she says, “yours too Seonghwa.” she adds looking back at him as he smiles in return.

“All I need to know tonight little one, is if you are okay.” Yunho says, his fingers tenderly squeezing her hand

"I truly am. Our talk the other night, Hongjoong and Seonghwa's reassurance today, and my talk with my mom this afternoon has lifted the crushing weight that has been on my chest for weeks.” Luna takes a small deep breath before a gentle smile lights up her face making Yunho heart skip a beat, “I feel like I can finally breathe."

Hongjoong observes Luna's change in demeanour with a smile. “I am glad.”

"Also Luna has now given us permission to fuss," Seonghwa interjects with a playful grin at Yunho.

“Finally!!” Yunho breaks into a smile, “Just wait until Wooyoung and San find out!”

The room fills with laughter as relief washes over them all.

"I should change out of these work clothes," Luna announces after the laughter subsides, still glowing with happiness. "Thank you all for everything! If only I could hug all three of you at once!"

"No need for wishes—group hug time!" Yunho declares, pulling everyone into an embrace despite Hongjoong's protests, causing Luna to laugh.

After the laughter subsides, Luna extricates herself from the group hug, her face still flushed with joy. “Alright, I really need to change now,” she says, her voice filled with warmth

With a quick smile she’s off, leaving the room with a sense of lightness that belies the pain beginning to creep into her side. Once safely inside her bedroom, she takes a deep breath and rubs her hip where a dull ache lingers. She's managed to hide her discomfort, not wanting to worry the others—especially Wooyoung. There was no need to let them know, she was only slightly sore, nothing major. She collects fresh clothes before retreating into her bathroom to wash away the remnants of the day and enjoy her night with her boyfriends.

In the kitchen Wooyoung and Hongjoong are sorting the plates and cutlery. Hongjoong can sense Wooyoung still feels bad about what happened. As worried as Hongjoong was when he found her on the floor and hearing she had fell over, he knew it was an accident and he wasn’t mad at Wooyoung.

“Luna’s tougher than she looks.” Hongjoong says casually, trying to ease his worries but not make a big deal about it.

“I know, but it is still my fault she fell over. I was playing around with her.” he sighs, remorse clear in his voice as he opens the cupboard door and begins to retrieve the glasses. “I am responsible for her fall.”

“She wasn’t injured though.” Hongjoong says

Wooyoung nods, knowing he is right but still feeling a sense of unease lingering within him. “I just want her to feel safe with me,” he admits quietly, “not frightened that I might harm her.”

Hongjoong feels his stomach drop a little at hearing this, he places a reassuring hand on Wooyoungs shoulder. “She won’t feel that way! Luna understands accidents happen and she has told us how clumsy she is. She is a tough little cookie, she can handle a tumble now and then.”

“Thanks Hongjoong. To be honest I was bracing myself for a scolding from you, I wasn’t expecting this.” Wooyoung says with a small smile of relief on his face as they move into the lounge

“Captain mode will be activated tomorrow!” Hongjoong laughs lightly, glad to see his friend is feeling less burdened.

As they continue to set up the coffee table Mingi and Seonghwa return from the store. They have bought extra snacks with the drinks. At the same time Luna emerges from her room dressed in a pair of cream sweats with a long lilac coloured sweatshirt. Seonghwa can’t help but notice how content and comfortable she looks tonight. Immediately she goes to Wooyoung and hugs him close, wanting to give him extra reassure for earlier. He relaxes into her embrace, his arms loosely wrapping around her waist.

“I’m truly sorry about earlier.” he whispers into her ear

“No more apologies.” she smiles softly pulling her head back from his neck to look at him, her fingers running through his soft black hair. “Now where are my Woo kisses?” she asks with a playful glint in her big brown eyes that cause him to melt a little

“I’ll give you all the kisses you want, lil cutie.” he smiles back at her before capturing her lips

The warmth of Wooyoung's lips against hers sends a shiver down Luna's spine. She melts into his embrace, her heart racing with joy. One of his hands slowly travels down her back, before sliding under the soft fabric of her sweatshirt to feel the warmth of her skin beneath it. Luna smiles softly into the kiss as she tastes the light minty flavour on his tongue from the gum he must have been chewing earlier. As their lips separate Wooyoung leaves a series of playful pecks along her jaw and into her neck as she giggles lightly.

From the doorway, Hongjoong observes the intimate scene with a satisfied smile. He feels a wave of relief seeing Luna's radiant happiness and the dissipation of Wooyoung's worries. His eyes meet Seonghwa's as he passes by en route to the kitchen.

“He is whipped for Luna.” he says lowly, nodding his head towards the pair causing Hongjoong to chuckle.

“Aren’t we all!” Hongjoong simply replies following him

The mellow chime signalling the arrival of San, Yeosang, and Jongho with food pulls Luna and Wooyoung from their bubble. With playful cheekiness, Wooyoung lightly pats Luna's rear and disentangles himself from her.

“You should go see San, I know the mans been eager to see you since he came home.” he smiles at her

“You sure?” she asks him as he nods, wanting to make sure he was okay with her going to San. “Okay, save a spot for me beside you!”

“I’ll make sure I get us one of the corners so we have more space then can go into the corner of the sofa when we are finished eating.” he replies, feeling a flutter in his stomach at Luna wanting to be beside him for the rest of the night.

“Could you go into my room and get my blanket for us to cuddle under?” she asks as San and Jongho come into the lounge with the pizza boxes and food containers. “It is on the chair at my desk.”

“Of course I will.” he replies, pecking her lips before letting her go

Luna makes her way over to San who quickly puts the boxes on the coffee table before grabbing her into his arms. It was clear to see by Wooyoung and Mingi who looked on that San had missed Luna a lot, as she had with him. Wooyoung goes into her bedroom to collect her blanket while the others start to come into the lounge.

“It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever, sunshine!” San smiles lifting her up into his arms

“We face timed this morning when I got to work!” she laughs

“Not the same as seeing you, face to face, being to cuddle you,” he hums “ and kiss you again.” he mumbles quietly looking into her eyes

A smile tugs at Luna's lips as she leans in to give him a tender kiss. "I missed you so much," he murmurs against her lips.

"Me too," she replies with a content sigh, happy to see him and that everyone is back home again.

San gives her another kiss, carefully putting her back on the ground, his hands moving to her waist to keep her body close to his, pressing his forehead against her with his eyes closed. Luna's delicate fingers glide through his blond hair, the golden strands starting to reveal darker roots underneath. Wooyoung returns with the blanket in hand, a soft smile playing on his lips as he watches the scene unfold.

“Is everyone ready to eat?” Jongho says coming back into the lounge, his eyes resting on the couple.

“Absolutely, I am starving!” Yeosang says coming in behind him

San and Luna pull away from one another, San letting go of her waist. Before making her way over to Yeosang she softly kisses Sans cheek. It seems kisses were on the cards for everyone at this point as Yeosang is next in line. Jongho can only watch on as he goes to sit on the floor, wanting to hug her too but feeling too awkward.

“It is so nice to have everyone back home again!” Seonghwa says sitting beside Jongho, his legs stretched out under the coffee table and his back resting against the sofa

“Oh I am so looking forward to this tonight!” Luna smiles as she sits on the floor beside Wooyoung. He instantly pulls her onto his lap, wrapping her blanket over them both and puts his arm around her. His nose nuzzles into her neck, kissing the skin making her smile more.

“Before we get fully settled into our night, I have some good news for you all.” Hongjoong says as he comes into the lounge

His announcement commands attention. The room falls silent as everyone turns to face him, curiosity piqued.

"Once we return from LA, we'll begin working on our new Japanese song and album," he reveals, "Luna will be joining us for the translations and pronunciation!"

The room erupts into loud excitement as Luna can only blush and hide her face into Wooyoungs chest.

Mingi grins broadly. "I was hoping you'd be part of it!"

San adds his own praise. "We couldn't ask for a better translator or pronunciation guide for this album."

Luna peeks out at the others from Wooyoungs chest. “Thanks guys. I honestly shouldn’t be anywhere near a recording studio or associated with it in anyway as I sound like a dying cat and I am completely tone deaf! However, languages and translations are my speciality so I will work extra hard for you all.”

“Just be yourself, don’t stress yourself out over it. You are amazing at what you do and we have complete faith in your skills.” Seonghwa says

“I spent most of today doing the song translations from Korean and Japanese and over the next week I’ll be working with Hongjoong and Mingi on their lyrics for the new song.”

Mingi gasps dramatically. "So you already know which songs are on the album?"

She nods, amused by his reaction. "Based on your surprise, I'm guessing you didn't?"

Jongho interjects eagerly. "Which songs?"

"Cyberpunk and New World," she reveals, then frowns slightly. "You guys really didn't know? Was I not supposed to tell you yet?"

"Don't worry, Luna. I'm sure Eden planned to tell us tomorrow." Hongjoong laughs easing her concern she had revealed something she shouldn’t have “We will all just act surprised when he does!”

“I am slightly nervous as I’ve never translated something so important before but I am also excited to see the whole process. See you all recording too.” she says

“We are thrilled to have you working with us on our music. But even if you weren’t involved in a professional level, we would still have wanted you there for it.” Jongho says from the opposite side of the sofa. His gaze holds hers, a genuine smile on his face that makes her heart flutter.

“Absolutely!” Yunho agrees, “Now lets dig into the food before it gets cold!”

The guys begin to open the pizza boxes as Luna feels Wooyoungs arm around her tighten, his fingers playing with the fabric of her sweatshirt. “It is going to be awesome, jagiya.” he whispers kissing her softly

“Dear god Wooyoung, let Luna breath! You’ve had your lips attached to hers since she got home!” Mingi teases with a chuckle

Grinning mischievously, Wooyoung fires back, "Oh please, Mingi. You're just jealous that she wants my lips tonight and not yours!" Laughter fills the room.

“I had lots of Luna kisses while you were away!” Mingi replies with a smirk

“Oh my god!” Luna groans dramatically, rolling her eyes but unable to conceal the smile tugging at her lips.

“Guys maybe we should take it down a notch,” Yunho interjects gently, mindful of Luna's comfort. After she confided in him about her insecurities, he was extra cautious not to escalate any teasing that might make her feel uneasy. Concerned that the route the conversation was going down could lead to that situation, he wanted to slow it down now.

“It is cool.” Luna says smiling over at Yunho, letting him know she was fine with the current level of banter. “Woo just needs extra attention tonight, isn’t that right little baby!” she adds playfully looking at Wooyoung as he pouts back at her causing her to peck his lips as the others continue to laugh

As everyone begins to start taking the food and pouring drinks, Jongho's gaze remains fixated on Luna and Wooyoung, who seem to be lost in a little bubble of their own. He observes as Wooyoung leans in close and whispers something into Luna's ear, earning a sweet giggle from her before she gently hits his arm playfully and places a tender kiss on his cheek, and Jongho can't help but envy the easy intimacy between them.

His chest feels heavy, aching to embrace her closely like Wooyoung is, to share whispered conversations that light up her face with joy, and to feel the warmth of her lips on his cheeks

He felt the same way when he saw San kissing her, Yeosang too. It wasn’t jealousy he felt towards the others, far from it. Just a sense of longing that fills his heart as he yearns for a connection like theirs – to hold Luna close, whisper into her ear, and make her laugh effortlessly. The accidental closeness they shared last night, when Luna fell asleep on his shoulder, only amplified these desires.

Just as Jongho contemplates his own desires for Luna to reciprocate his feelings, their eyes meet. His head screams to look away, fearing that she might see the intensity in his gaze and feel uncomfortable by it. However he finds himself incapable of turning away, captivated by Luna's radiant smile and the adorable scrunch of her nose as she winks at him. In that moment of a shared moment between just the two of them, the heavy weight on his chest evaporates into a comforting warmth that spreads throughout his entire body. Unable to resist, he returns her smile, recognising the unspoken connection they are having.

“Luna, we went to that vegetarian place you told me about the other day so we could get you the tteokbokki you love.” Yeosang says handing the food container to her

“Ooooh!” Hongjoong exclaims, his eyes widening at the sight of it. Memories flood back of Luna bringing him some tteokbokki on the day she visited his studio for lunch, and how delicious it was.

“You want some?” Luna asks him with a grin on her face

“N-no!” he stammers, “That is your food. The guys got it for only you.” but Luna catches his longing glance at the food

Luna rolls her eyes playfully and picks up an empty bowl, she tips some into it and leans over Wooyoung passing it to Hongjoong who is sitting beside him.

“Just take it or I will get annoyed with you!” she says with a hint of teasing in her voice as Hongjoong shakes his head at the offering

“Thank you Luna.” he smiles appreciatively at the sharing of her food

“What exactly does vegetarian tteokbokki taste like?” Wooyoung curiously asks

“According to my friend Nayeon, who hates anything vegetarian it is exactly like proper tteokbokki. Obviously I can’t confirm that since I’ve never had it with fish cakes or fish sauce.” Luna answers holding a rice cake up for him to eat

“Well I can confirm it does and it is amazing!” Hongjoong smiles passing it around the others to try

“Wah! It does!!” Wooyoung exclaims in surprise and enthusiasm after trying the dish.

The others all chime in, quickly polishing off the portion Luna has passed to Hongjoong.

"BBT sent us some clips of the choreo they’ve been working on for the tour," Yunho beams. "It looks really good!"

“I took a quick look at it earlier. It is definitely going to be challenging, but we will nail it with practice.” Mingi replies, nodding in agreement

"Cyberpunk is shaping up to be quite the spectacle from that sneak peek!" Yeosang grins. "I think it will leave a lasting impression!"

Luna’s ear prick up at this, wondering what he could mean by it. She chews slowly on the pizza in her mouth as she ponders it.

“Yeah, the surprise element in this choreography will for sure blow everyone away! I can’t wait to see the full routine tomorrow and get started on it.” Wooyoung exclaims eagerly

Luna couldn't contain her curiosity any longer and blurts out, "What kind of element?"

"Oh, you'll just have to wait and see, little one! I have a feeling you in particular will appreciate it!" Yunho teases with a sly grin, causing Mingi to chuckle and adding to Luna's intrigue.

"Make sure you swing by the practice room after lunchtime so you can witness it firsthand." Wooyoung joins in with the teasing pulling her closer

“Okay, I haven’t watched the clips yet but now I want to know what this is too!” Jongho interjects, his own curiosity setting in as the others laugh

The group continues to chat as they eat all the food until they were all full. Luna stayed on Wooyoungs lap the entire time, happy being close to him and not feeling awkward around the others either. Sharing her fears with Yunho, receiving reassurance from Yeosang the next day, the previous day's events, Seonghwa's supportive response and the heart-to-heart with her mom, Luna finally feels completely relaxed and unburdened. She knows that the day will come really soon where she needs to reveal her bipolar disorder to the rest of the guys but she is no longer scared for that moment now.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Taglist: @kiwibaekie @fudgeflyssworld @kodzukein @elk-1998 @khjcoo @pepperony-7 @ateez-babygirl @starillusion13 @stephy-nicole13 @truthbehindthereflection @livingdeadlisa @stayteezdreams @atinyapple1117

[profchamomile]

Greetings! I am Nori Phoris of the Ultra Reconnaissance Squadron and I am curious about your pokemon. You have a few of what you have called ‘service pokemon’ and I am confused about their usage. From the little information I have gathered on the subject they are supposedly able to help a person with medical needs, but I fail to see how a pokemon could be utilized in this manner. I understand that pokemon are generally much more even tempered and gentle than Ultra Beasts (and that humans are not as technologically advanced as my people) but I am unsure that they could successfully do such a thing. My intent is not be rude, of course, I was just wondering.

For more information you can contact me or my partner @from-ultra-space or by sending a message to the Heahea Dimensional Research Lab in Alola. The URS Headquarters are located in Ultra Megalopolis. Thank you for your time.

Why of course; I would be happy to tell you more! Thank you so much for asking; it's wonderful that you're willing to educate yourself on the matter! This is gonna be a long post though, so bear with me!

There are several types of Service 'Mon, so I'll be addressing a few.

For a little context: I use the term "handler" to mean the human, because not everyone with a service 'mon trains their pokemon for battle, so calling them trainers is inaccurate.

Medical Alert Pokemon: Pokemon generally have very keen senses and abilities that humans don't have, and are therefore capable of sensing things in humans before humans can even sense it in themselves. This helps them in detecting seizure activity, heart conditions, fainting episodes, to name a few. These Pokemon are trained to alert their handler if they detect if the medical episode is about to happen so that the handler can take the necessary steps to prepare (for example: someone with a disorder that causes them to faint will sit down somewhere so that they don't fall and risk a concussion). The Pokemon will also ensure that the trainer is safe while they ride through the medical episode. Some Pokemon with keen sense of smells can also smell allergens for people with severe allergies, as some can be triggered by the smallest trace of said allergen.

2. Psychiatric Service Pokemon: Psychiatric Service 'Mon are for people who have certain mental health conditions that affect them so severely, it inhibits their quality of life to a major degree. Examples of this would be Anxiety, Schizophrenia, PTSD or c-PTSD, Bipolar disorder, again to name a few. Their tasks can vary greatly on the individual's needs; they can range from retrieving medications at scheduled times to calming and grounding their handler when distressed. Certain Psychic Pokemon are very good with this since they can detect emotional distress, but sometimes it can be simple as having a soft, well-tempered Pokemon that's trained for these things.

3. Guide Pokemon: This might be the most well known type of Service Pokemon. These Pokemon are trained to lead the blind or visually impaired around obstacles. The handler does the directing, and the Pokemon ensures that the handler doesn't run into any obstacles on the way or into any potentially dangerous areas. I once knew someone with an Absol for a Guide Pokemon (even though they're not easily trainable for such things), because they can detect disasters.

4. Mobility Assistance Pokemon: These Pokemon are trained to help people with disorders that affect their mobility. What they do exactly depends on the Pokemon's physical ability and the handler's needs. For example: Some Pokemon may pull wheelchairs for handlers in certain circumstances that are hard for the handler to navigate themselves (for example: Ignis can help me get up steep slopes). Some also aid with balancing issues, providing extra support or stability for the handler. If the Pokemon is big enough to ride or strong enough to carry you without getting hurt, some of them... Basically do just that to help with inaccessible areas, or in emergencies (that's not encouraged to be a frequent practice, however; more of a "do if absolutely necessary"). They can be trained to pick up certain objects for handlers who either have low dexterity or can't reach it themselves.

My Service 'Mon, Ignis and Queenie, are both Mobility Assistance 'Mon, but they have different tasks.

Ignis, my Arcanine, helps me get around outdoors. He has the strength to pull (or push) the wheelchair if needed, such as with high slopes or on a difficult path; he can also detect when I'm getting fatigued and start pulling the wheelchair himself so it's a bit easier on me (manual wheelchairs are harder than they look, since you're basically pushing your own body weight around).

Also since I can walk short distances at least: I have a special chair that's light-weight and can fold up pretty well, and has a handle for him to carry in his mouth. This is so: when we find a some stairs, I fold up the wheelchair, have him carry it, and we go up the stairs with me using him for extra support (I don't ever put my full weight into him; it's mostly for balance and to keep me from falling).

And, since I do a lot of field research, sometimes I ride Ignis for a short duration of time so he can get me to areas not easily accessible even for able-bodied people. And he can just as easily get me out of those areas in case of emergency.

Queenie on the other hand, has very different tasks. She uses telekinesis to help pick things up and move them for me. If needed, she can use it to help with moving my wheelchair as well, or help keep me from losing my balance.

Queenie is also capable of helping me do basic tasks when I'm too fatigued and the "brain fog" sets in (that's where I start struggling to think coherently due to being too physically and mentally exhausted; it affects my ability to focus, remember things, put thought into action, or even articulate myself). This technically isn't an official task of hers as a Service 'Mon; she started doing that on her own accord without being trained to do so.

Queenie's tasks are more indoor-focused while Ignis's tasks are more outdoor focused, due to a variety of factors such as their size, abilities and their types and temperment (understandably, some people can get uneasy with a large fire-type indoors).

If you or anybody else have questions on the subject, please let me know! And if anyone else with Service 'Mon experience want to share information, or even talk about what their own Service 'Mon do if they have one, by all means, feel free to do so!

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part two)

Before continuing from where I left off in part one I have to say something: I go over some heavier stuff in here. Nothing that isn't already present in the book and that I haven't seen mentioned in other people's metas, but I still want to give you a heads up: the main focus of part two is suicide/suicidal ideation and childhood trauma. I mean, this is a The Brothers Karamazov meta about a bipolar coded character so I think you all already knew these things were going to be in here, but I think that if you have bipolar disorder or are close to someone who has it some things could be upsetting or remind you of some unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences. Writing certain things hits me at least (though not in a triggering way), but I think it's important to touch certain topics as they are core topics when it comes to bipolar disorder and it's impossible to talk about it without going over the ugly stuff. I've also been on meds and in therapy for years and I'm doing fairly well in life now so that's all in the past. Anyway don't worry, this is the only part of this essay that includes these topics.

This said, here's what I'll go over in this post: mostly what Ivan says in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion, and The Grand Inquisitor, focusing more on the former two than the latter, as I personally find a particular passage of The brothers get acquainted to be one of the most beautiful and bipolar things I've ever read and we need to talk about Rebellion to further understand Ivan's inner world. The Grand Inquisitor isn't really that useful in this case but there's one thing that caught my attention.

As I already said in part one, The brothers get acquainted is the chapter that made me decide that Ivan is bipolar coded. I've even written a specific part of it down and read it to my therapist because I am, in fact, clinically insane. At this point I don't think I can hide how biased I am anymore, not that I ever really tried anyway, so I'll start by saying that this is my favorite part of the whole book. It may seem strange because it seems like such a small and simple chapter: it's not The Grand Inquisitor, it doesn't have the dreamlike atmosphere of Cana of Galilee or the chaotic passion of Delirium; it's not the courtroom scene or the epilogue. No one's getting murdered or hallucinating the devil or getting falsely accused, just Ivan talking about himself and letting us see his humanity like we had never before. We get to know him in the same way and at the same time his own brother does.

Why is this, in my opinion, the most crucial passage? What does it tell us? This is the first window on Ivan's inner world we get and the first thing it tells us, through Alyosha, is that there's a significant gap between how other people see Ivan and how he actually is. I mean, we already had a glimpse of that in the previous chapters through Miusov, Dmitri and even Fyodor, but Ivan was never there. The difference here is not only that Ivan is present, but also that Alyosha managed to see right through him in a way the others didn't, and it's telling that Alyosha asks Ivan if he'll get angry and feel insulted after hearing what he picked up on, considering that it's just that Ivan is after all a regular twenty-three year old. Alyosha even tells him he's nice! The thing is that Alyosha thinks that to Ivan the offense wouldn't be in what he managed to see in him, but in the fact that he managed to see it in the first place. I think I'll go over this and the other characters' perception of Ivan in part three because it doesn't really fit with this part's themes and also I have a feeling this post will get long even without it (sorry!).

Ivan is not angry at all though, he's amused and he takes this opportunity to open up; after all he did say he wanted Alyosha to get to know him (and viceversa!). I think it's important to note that he ends up pretty much monologuing for three chapters straight, almost as if he's used to bottling up his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself (I'm pretty sure it's actually stated somewhere that he does, I had some little notes I wrote in my phone mentioning something like that but my notes app crashed before I could save them and I can't for the life of me find it in the book, but I swear it's there).

Here we get to see Ivan's rather unusual attitude towards life: he's not actively suicidal in that moment, but he doesn't exclude the possibility of suicide later in life, and not only this is a very bipolar feeling on its own, but the origin of this feeling and the way he explains his reasons also are. Ivan is very tired, both physically and mentally, it's stated multiple times through the novel, but he doesn't necessarily hate life even though he has mixed feelings towards it; on one hand he says there is no kind of misery, no matter how deep, capable of making him want to stop living (after all, bipolar disorder is all about bouncing back up no matter what), but on the other hand he's repulsed by life and that's why he describes his lust for it as inconvenient and against logic. He wants to live but he hates that he wants to live and he knows he'll eventually get tired of it and just quit, and it's something he feels very strongly, all of it. The thing that really sticks out to me and that struck me is that his passive suicidal ideation is very thought out (unlike Dmitri's which feels more impulsive to me but that's another story for another post), like he's gone through miserable periods of his life several times (I mean, the narrator does also say it) and he came to the conclusion that yes, this is bearable, but only for a limited number of years. He says he asked himself a thousand times if it's worth it and after a thousand times he gave himself the illusion of choice: I will kill myself but I won't succumb to my misery, I'll just be too tired to keep living, it will be my choice. With Ivan (just like with bipolar disorder in general) it's all about control and it's something that hits very close to home to me to the point I had to stop reading to stare at the wall and go he gets it. He really does, this is a very common sentiment and experience among people with bipolar disorder and that's why it's sadly one of the mental disorders with the highest suicide rate (and most historical figures with bipolar disorder I know about actually did die by suicide). The constant up and down is exhausting and that's exactly the feeling Ivan's words gave me, he describes the bipolar experience so well I was genuinely impressed considering The Brothers Karamazov was written and is set in the second half of the 1800s, when psychiatry and psychology were just starting to be born. I think it's also important to mention that he doesn't really give himself much time either: he's only twenty-three and he set his own life to end at thirty. It's only seven years, but seven years can seem like an infinite amount of time when you have to deal with what we have to, especially if we consider my interpretation of Ivan and his childhood. What do I mean by that? I mean that this is about to get interesting (and kind of personal).

Now, in the past almost two-hundred years, no one has still figured out the exact cause of bipolar disorder as the exact mechanism behind it is still unclear (to the point we don't even know why the meds used to treat it work, we just know that for some reason they do) but it mostly comes down to two factors: genetic and environmental. It's usually a mix of the two and it's most likely that once again it varies between individuals, but a very common bipolar experience is the one of a traumatic and overwhelming childhood: many of us had to deal with a mentally ill parent growing up due to the genetic factor and many of us went through so much stress and trauma that the end result could be nothing but bipolar disorder. And this is where Ivan's character stumbles in: I think his protectiveness towards children and his impossibility to accept their suffering stem from his impossibility to accept his own traumatic childhood. Let's be clear, all four brothers had a traumatic childhood, but Ivan seems to be the one who's most impacted by it. Dmitri was abandoned by his mother at the age of three and his father forgot about him (just like he forgot about Ivan and Ivan also seems deeply affected by that considering how he reacts when Fyodor doesn't remember Aleksej's mother was also his own), Pavel never got to know his due to her death in childbirth, and Aleksej's only memories of his mother are fuzzy and dreamlike, which leaves Ivan as the only one who actually has clear memories of his mother: an ill woman who probably couldn't take care of him and his little brother properly because of that and who died young (very traumatic for a child); he probably still remembers her screams. There's a very well written post about how each brother was affected by their respective missing mother figure so I won't go into that because there's no need and it doesn't really fit in here, but I think this is a very important part of Ivan's life that also obviously reflects in his adulthood (again, I'll talk about it in the future), and that we have to take into consideration as an example of what kind of pain a child has to go through to turn out a certain way.

But why am I saying this? I'll be honest with you: mere projection. Ivan's words on the injustice of children's suffering resonated with me so much, especially in relation to his refusal to accept God's existence in a world that allows such things to happen. As you probably figured, I'm an atheist myself and I am for the same reasons he is. There's a quote by Sylvia Plath, who also had bipolar disorder: I talk to God but the sky is empty. I won't elaborate because I don't feel like this is the place, but I relate to it a lot and I think it's applicable to Ivan as well. Mind you that I'm not here to talk about religion, I mean no disrespect and I wouldn't have mentioned my atheism if it hadn't been relevant, so please don't say anything unnecessary about that.

My projection went even further when I realised that Ivan is young (we're the same age actually!), what business does he have to be talking like that? Why does he talk like that but his brothers don't? But I also talk like that so here's that and here's connecting the dots, as I started doing a couple paragraphs ago.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder on average start manifesting during early adulthood, which checks out because Ivan is twenty-three. But he already seems to have a lot of experience "on the field" and it's unusual for someone that age, so it got me thinking a lot, mostly about my own experience. I was "lucky" enough (I still haven't figured out if I'm being sarcastic or not, as it can be both a blessing and a curse, how ironic) to develop symptoms way earlier than the usual onset age of twenty-five, which led me to being diagnosed and starting treatment as a teenager (blessing, the earlier you start treatment the more effective it is on the long run), but which also means I was a terrified child fighting for my life on a daily basis (curse, for obvious reasons) and I thought that maybe Ivan's background could be similar to mine considering what I said earlier about his very strong feelings towards the suffering of children; it's still projection but at least it makes sense. I genuinely don't know how common this experience is, apparently cases like mine are quite rare (I've had this disorder for most of my life), so I guess I also take some sort of comfort in Ivan's character due to this.

And with that, we're done with both The brothers get acquainted and Rebellion, so where does this leave The Grand Inquisitor? As I said earlier, there isn't much to say about it in my opinion when it comes to the point I'm trying to make, but there is one particular thing that I noticed: Ivan thanks Alyosha for listening to him, he thanks him for caring. I found it very sweet but also quite sad and I think it's useful insight about how Ivan lives his life and his relationships with other people. If everything goes as planned, part three should be mostly focused on that and Ivan's particular (and partially self-inflicted) loneliness (which is also tied to how other people perceive him, I already mentioned that, I know) so I won't talk about it now. I also want to highlight that Ivan makes a joke! It's not the usual kind of joke he makes though, as we previously see that Ivan's humor consists mostly of taking the piss out of people he doesn't particularly like or agree with, this time he makes a lighthearted joke about his poem that isn't at the expense of anyone ("that's plagiarism") and he's even described as being delighted in that moment. I personally found that cute and I think we don't talk about this side of Ivan enough.

I'll stop here because I think I covered everything I wanted to regarding these particular parts of the book. I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I got stuck for days because it was a little hard for me to write this part, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible because I had to treat matters I'm sensitive about (hence the slight change of tone between this and my other posts, I noticed and I hope it wasn't too depressing, I tried throwing in some humor here and there), so I wrote in as little sittings as possible and I barely gave this a couple rereads, sorry. It feels more emotional than part one, which is something I am not a fan of but I'm not surprised and there isn't much I can do about it (other than fix my own discomfort with human emotions I guess but I'm working on it). I wanted to write this but at the same time I didn't but there was no way for me to completely exclude my personal experience as it's the main reason why I saw what I saw in Ivan and I'm writing this essay in the first place, but please don't dwell too much on it. I managed to edit most of it out anyway but still.

I wanted to go over Ivan's implied problem with alcohol as well and also the comparison with Dmitri (I mentioned him at the beginning for this reason) because I see the two of them as being two sides of the same coin, but I didn't really know how to include them (I think I'll briefly talk about the former in one of the next parts but I'm not sure how or when) and then I realised these topics can be treated together (as I think they're related) in a separate and more elaborate post that is not part of this essay, so look forward to that (and the rest of this long ass thing).

[remuswriting]

Cut the Cameras

Rough Cut

Friday, September 4. 6:35 A. M.

Y/N has a fairly strict morning routine, which started when Masaru started showing signs of bipolar disorder years ago.  The first thing they encouraged was to keep a consistent schedule, so Y/N joined in solidarity, as well as Tooru and Hajime.  Their routines have changed throughout the years to become what fits for them, but they’ve kept them.  Masaru refuses to follow Y/N’s morning routine, though.  He says it’s a crime.

It’s a simple routine, or at least Y/N thinks so.  Wake up at 6 A. M., go to the gym for 30 minutes to an hour, go home, eat breakfast, and then get ready.  A lot of people don’t understand how he wakes up so early, and it was difficult when he first started; however, it helps him from overworking himself.  Keeping a routine, even one where he has to drag himself out of bed some mornings, has helped him just as much as it’s helped Masaru.

He’s gotten ready and is about to head out the door when he sees Kenma still asleep on the couch.  Maybe he shouldn’t go to the gym this morning, it’d be rude, but he finds he can’t quite do that.  Maybe it’s his guilt eating at him over Masaru that has him keeping to his routine.  It’s unfair for Y/N to neglect his routine while Masaru can’t.  Without a routine.  Masaru spirals, and Y/N wonders if that had been the start of everything.

The drive to the gym is the same as always, 15 minutes.  He’s not awake enough to really think over everything he needs to do today.  His only thought is to go to the gym, which tends to be good enough.  It’s only once he’s changed and on the treadmill that he’s able to start waking up more.  Tooru used to come to his morning sessions last year before meetings got in the way.  He always made everything a competition.  Who can run the longest?  Who can stay on the longest?  Who can lift the most?  Y/N always rolled his eyes but went along with it.  He loved the smile on Tooru’s face, and that was enough.

Tooru isn’t here, though.  He hasn’t gone with him in so long, but today, the treadmill next to him feels so empty.

He hadn’t told Kenma that Tooru and he argued the night before.  They’d never been the kind to tell people when they fought or argued.  It made resolving things so much harder when people were trying to pick sides when there weren’t really sides to pick.  Fights between couples happen.  The important part is communicating afterwards.  After knowing each other for so long, Tooru and Y/N learned how to communicate clearly with each other.  Even the things that are the hardest to say aloud.

It wasn’t their worst argument, really it ended fairly quickly, but there are still things needing to be said.  Nothing can match the fight they had when Y/N tried breaking up with him when he was graduating from high school.  He had plans that were insane, and he didn’t want to drag Tooru into it.  Tooru called him crazy for thinking he wouldn’t follow him to the ends of the earth.  And although love sometimes fades for other people, Y/N holds onto those words when they fight because he’s never once stopped feeling that way about Tooru.

But they argued about Masaru this time, which tends to get intense.  Never does he think they’re going to breakup, but they’re just so intense.  It makes sense, though.  Fighting about someone you both love so deeply is hard on everyone.  You believe you know the right thing to do or maybe you’ve said the wrong thing and now you have to pay for it.

“I told you!” Y/N screamed as he threw his hands up two nights ago. “I told you something was going on, and you wouldn’t listen to me!  You never listen to me when it comes to him!”

“Don’t act so innocent!  You’re just as bad!” Tooru screamed back, shoving random clothes into a backpack.  He’d started getting his things together the moment his parents called so he could go to Chiba. He looked over his shoulder, and his brown eyes were cold. “You don’t listen either, Y/N.  You let him spiral too.”

“Because you told me to drop it!” Y/N said, exasperated. “You told me to drop it, because nothing was wrong!  Nothing is ever wrong, is it, Tooru?  You don’t want to see that something is wrong because it scares you!”

Tooru stood up and faced Y/N. “And what you said to him is totally okay?”

“Don’t,” Y/N said, voice cracking. “You know I didn’t mean it.”

Tooru stopped, and Y/N knew they said things they don’t mean.  They both struggled with anger and speaking without thinking.  It’s what started them taking a couple days away from each other during fights in order to breathe and collect their thoughts.

“I know,” Tooru said softly, and he let out a deep sigh.  One that came from the bottom of his chest, like air finally filled his lungs completely. “Just…”

“I know,” Y/N said, because he did.  He kept replaying it in his head, and he hated himself—absolutely sick to be in his own body because that meant he was himself. “Just—please be safe driving there.”

Tooru nodded before he quickly finished, and Y/N watched in silence with his back pressed against their bedroom door.  He knew Masaru wouldn’t welcome him, but also he wouldn’t be welcomed back to Chiba by others.  He wanted to, though.  Y/N so desperately wanted to go and apologize, but it’d have to wait until later when things finally calmed down.  It hurt.  It all hurt so much.

Tooru stopped next to Y/N and looked at him.  The silence hurt his ears, but then Tooru pressed a kiss to his forehead.  He lingered there for a moment before closing his eyes and touching his forehead to Y/N’s.

“I love you, okay?” Tooru choked out, clearly starting to cry. “You aren’t a bad person—I’ll never see you as one.”

Y/N trips slightly on his feet as he jogs, and he grabs the handlebars to catch himself.  Waking up means mulling over everything.  It means remembering how Tooru’s anger turned into tears.  It means ruining his routine because he can’t get his head around everything that’s happened.  He hasn’t texted Tooru yet, but he so desperately wants to.  He may, because he needs to know how Masaru is and if everything is okay.

He wraps up his gym time early before heading back home, where he assumes Kenma will still be asleep on the couch.  That’s confirmed when Kenma is still lightly snoring, and warmth blooms in Y/N’s chest at it.  He doesn’t understand it—has been trying to for the last couple months—but Kenma brings him comfort like Tooru does.  He needs to talk to Tooru about it, try to process it with him, but it’s hard to even put it into words.  Y/N has always struggled to communicate, mainly because of all the years he had to keep himself hidden from the world.

He continues his routine by showering and then going to the kitchen to make breakfast.  It’s about 7:30 now, and he’s not sure if he should make Kenma something, too.  It’s impolite not to, so he does.  It’s just buttered toast and bacon, nothing special.  He makes two servings, and a drowsy Kenma walks into the kitchen because of the smell.

“What’re you making?” Kenma asks groggily, and Y/N looks over his shoulder at him.

“Toast and bacon,” he says. “That okay?”

Kenma hums in response and sits at the kitchen island.  Y/N slides a plate across the granite, and Kenma grabs it before immediately eating the toast.  The silence between them is calming.  Y/N and Tooru don’t talk a lot in the morning when eating, so it’s not much different from that.

“Did you sleep okay?” Y/N asks, and Kenma nods.

“Yeah,” he says in between bites. “Your couch is really comfortable.”

Y/N chuckles slightly as he nods. “Yeah, it’s one of my favorite napping spots.”

Silence with Kenma usually isn’t awkward, and it’s not awkward now or not a lot.  Maybe it’s seeing Kenma in such a drowsy state from just waking up that makes Y/N’s chest so warm.  He’s liked people in the past, always telling Tooru and making boundaries, but it’s always just led to guilt and losing people.  He doesn’t want to lose Kenma.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Y/N says, and Kenma looks up at him.  Having Kenma’s full attention is a luxury, but Y/N is given it often. “I shouldn’t have just thrown all of that at you.”

Kenma shakes his head. “No, don’t worry,” he says genuinely. “We’re friends, and that’s what friends do for each other.”

Y/N nods, because it’s what he’d do for all his friends.  He wouldn’t hesitate if he got a text like he sent Kenma.  It is what friends do for each other, but it’s also so vulnerable.  He’s never liked showing himself so personally, especially with people he’s not known for long.  It’s not too bad with Kenma, but it’s still uncomfortable.  It’s still a learning curve.

“Thank you,” Y/N says, and he wants to say more.  He doesn’t know what he wants to say, but there’s more to say.  Maybe it’s the confusing feelings lodged in his chest that he thinks will go away if he just doesn’t think about them.  Anytime he feels like this, it fades away, but never with Tooru.  Those feelings have always been something entirely different. “It means a lot.”

Kenma softly smiles, and it’s a good look on him.  Y/N always tells Tooru about how he likes Kenma’s smile and his hair.  Tooru always laughs and rolls his eyes, but agrees that both things are nice.

Kenma swallows the last bit of his toast. “Thank you for breakfast.  It was good.”

 “It was toast and bacon.”

“Still, it was good.  Far better than anything Kuro makes,” Kenma says as he puts an elbow on the kitchen island.  Y/N can’t stop himself from laughing.

Sunday, September 6. 1:23 P. M.

The front door unlocks, and Y/N hurries to it, pulling Tooru in once the door barely opens.  Tooru’s bags fall just enough into the apartment that Y/N closes the door.  They have their arms wrapped around each other, and Y/N can finally breathe again.  The pain in his chest is dissipating.

“I’m sorry,” Tooru says into his hair. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.  I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“And I’m sorry,” Y/N says as he tightens his grip on him. “I shouldn’t have blamed you for anything, because it wasn’t your fault.  He wasn’t talking to either of us, and I shouldn’t have acted like it was your fault.”

“And I shouldn’t have blamed you,” Tooru says, and he lets out a deep breath. “I just felt like an idiot because I didn’t listen to you.  You said you felt like something was wrong, and I didn’t listen.  I lashed out, and I shouldn’t have.  It wasn’t fair to you.”

Y/N doesn’t want to let go of Tooru.  He wants to hold on to him as they talk this out, because he knows it’s easier when they have each other like this.  It’s always been easier to communicate like this.

“I love you,” Y/N says into Tooru’s clothed shoulder.  He wants Tooru to know he’s sorry—that he doesn’t believe it’s really Tooru’s fault.

It’s always been hard understanding Masaru being bipolar, because Y/N wants to make him better.  He wants to erase all the struggling Masaru faces because he doesn’t deserve to struggle.  It’s so difficult knowing he can’t fix it—that Masaru is bipolar and will always be like this.  It doesn’t make him love Masaru any less.  He just struggles to understand that he can’t “fix” it.

“And I love you so much,” Tooru says, and he kisses the crown of Y/N’s head. “I smell food, so how about we eat and talk?”

Y/N pulls away as he nods.  They have a routine for after fights, always some sort of takeout and talking while they eat.  Some people hate that they do this, but Y/N can’t hate it.  It means so much to him that Tooru sees the comfort Y/N finds in it.  He’s learned to love routines about as much as Masaru needs them.

“How is he?” Y/N asks as he grabs his takeout box and slides Tooru his.

“He’s doing as well as you expect him to be,” Tooru says, and he lets out a deep breath. “I know he hates being there, but it’s better that he’s there than not here at all.”

The words make Y/N’s stomach twist and nausea wash over him.  The thought of Masaru dying is one he can’t take.  He doesn’t know what he’d do if that were to happen.  It’s easier to not think like that, though.  It’s easier to force a reality where that doesn’t happen, even though sometimes it backfires.

“Kenma came over the other night,” Y/N says, and Tooru tilts his head as he looks at him.  No judgment or anger, just curiosity, almost like he hadn’t expected that to be an option. “I had a small breakdown, and he came over to calm me down.”

“Did he calm you down?” Tooru asks, and that genuine curiosity doesn’t leave him.  He’s never been one to get angry at Y/N about having people over, but sometimes, Y/N wants him to exhibit some jealousy.  That’s just not how their relationship works, though.

“Yeah,” Y/N says softly, and he chuckles slightly. “I freaked him out by crying, but him being here helped.”

Tooru smiles and nods before taking a bite of his food. “I’m glad he came over,” he says, mouth full. “I’m happy you weren’t alone.”

Y/N wants to bring up how there are these weird feelings he has for Kenma.  They’re not overwhelming, but they’re there.  He doesn’t know if they’ll grow to become something more, and he doesn’t want Tooru to be upset.  Tooru has never been upset before when Y/N has liked other people, because Y/N has always emphasized that he wants Tooru first, but it’s still hard to bring up.  It’s even harder to bring up when Y/N doesn’t know if these feelings will stay.

He promised he’d tell Tooru when these things happen, but it’s so hard.  It’s so hard to look at the person you love, who doesn’t form crushes on other people, and tell them you like someone else.  Yes, you still love them, but there’s someone else who has caught your eye.  It makes Y/N feel so guilty every time it happens, even though they’ve talked about it.  As long as Y/N still wants Tooru and loves him as much as he did the day before, then they’ll figure it all out.  It’ll all be okay.

Y/N nods as he smiles a little, mainly from seeing Tooru’s smile. “Yeah, me too.”

He’ll tell Tooru about it, but not now.  Not when it’s just a small feeling he’s not entirely sure about.  He’ll tell him when it becomes something bigger, which hopefully doesn’t happen.

Editing | Rough Cut | Standard Cut

Masterlist

Note: I want to say that Y/N's identity most aligns with poly but he hasn't really labeled himself because he doesn't want to, which is valid. So the guilt and shame is due to not accepting himself. (This isn't saying by the end he's going to label himself as poly. I just want it clear that his internal monologue may not sound 100% amazing in terms of it, and that's why.) But I want to remind everyone that this does end in a poly relationship. There will be no cheating or breakups.

Tag List: @chaoswrites @princessmidas @adriivette @riahyayarii @that-bi-bitch-writes @magmagicstyle @yeoshwan @seijohiselite @tfstuffs @zawadni @kennylovesberries @starlight0faith @nyxmania

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

So at my workplace I (f26) have this employee (m29) who's a part of the management team. He is obviously disabled in some way, but doesn't feel comfortable sharing. Which is fine, no one treats him differently. He just has problems speaking sometimes and is forgetful. However he refuses to tell us any accomodations that would help him thrive better.

The problem is that he doesn't do his work, and whenever we ask him what happened he always claims he lost track of time or that he forgot. We are trying everything. We made a checklist everyone has to do because he said it would help, but he just signs off on stuff without doing and says he forgot. We've tried to help him set alarms to remind him to do stuff, but he turns them off. This has resulted in some pretty serious issues in the past that only impact the people in the next shift, so he doesn't seem to care much.

It's getting to the point where none of his co-workers or the employees who work below him want to work a shift with him. Especially because he doesn't have any sense of boundaries and makes inappropriate jokes, like the other day he asked a staff member if they have bipolar disorder bc "you sound annoyed when you speak to me and you don't sound like that with other people." And I also hate working with him because he just talks all day and doesn't do anything. He also has an issue with women and thinks he's more qualified than me, both because he's older than me, and because he's a man. But because of that he tends to never listen to my advice, and when I tell him he's not doing his job he tells me I'm nagging him like his mother.

He also seems to enjoy getting scolded for not doing his work cause I try to understand whats happening and how we can help him succeed, and he told me the other day that it's basically therapy for him. So I also kinda wonder if he's doing it on purpose, but it's causing real problems, and then he doesn't even use the suggestions I give him.

WIBTA if I asked him to step down? My boss thinks he could still improve but it's been over a year already, and he's doing less than the staff and getting paid more. And it's rubbing the staff and the leadership teams the wrong way because they feel like they have to pick up his slack and do more work.

What are these acronyms?

[lexxchinchillaa]

so i havent really be keeping up with the TOTA Takeover (i was watching doctor who all day everyday) BUT i will do this last one.

i think the show is wonderful. it discusses mental illnesses without making it the entire plot or entire personality of characters. it displays it realistically and doesnt romanticise (by this i mean they didnt just show positive things or ignore it completely) or... obsess over it, i suppose. it wasnt completely focused on the characters "flaws" or illness. while they were mentioned, they actually still made the characters relatable and realistic, as opposed to (imo) Heartstopper, which felt to me like it fetished queer people, but thats a discussion for another day.

it was nice for a change in media, because its not often that you get media from the perspective of someone outside of the mental hospital willingly going inside because they genuinely enjoy being there and the people there. thats one of the reasons i love Eddie, he isnt afraid of what people will say about his new job, or if he is, its not stopping him even though (im pretty sure?) he doesnt get paid for it. hes a kind and lovable protagonist and it was interesting to have his side and opinions on things.

the side characters (i suppose thats what they are) are easy to fall in love with because they have so much depth and are genuinely interesting as a whole. it had, i think, important representation of Rosalie's OCD. it was important representation because it doesnt seem like we get a lot of OCD in media anymore (not that we ever really did, at least not in the things ive watched). i personally dont know much about the disorder but the representation still felt... correct, i suppose, to someone who has little to no knowledge, which is still a good sign because it means it was easy to understand and, yes, still seemed realistic. it was easy to feel bad for Rosalie because of her story and because she was treated and written as a real person.

have you ever watched something and thought, "this character is a bit cardboard-esque"? doesnt it make it tricky to actually feel bad for the character in question? its difficult to sympathise or empathise with someone who is uninteresting or unrealistically written. like in the Twilight movies, for an example. its difficult to feel bad for Bella because shes a kind of basic protagonist. she has simple wants and has simple struggles. whereas in TOTA, the characters have different wants than is usually displayed. like Campbell for example. he wants to be a radio show host and whats stopping him? his struggle to find a place that wants to take him and, i would say, his fathers disapproval. while Campbell isnt openly warm with his father, its still difficult for Campbell to ignore him because its his dad, the man who was there, but not necessarily there for him, all his life. its still difficult to get over someone whos supposed to love and support you telling you that you wont be able to do something.

Campbell is another example of a well written character. it was easy for me to love him, and not just because he was played by DT. he was a funny character without just being comedic relief. his bipolar disorder was displayed well according to me, someone with again, little to no knowledge in the subject. it was nice to have a character who has specific wants that are different from other characters in other medias. he was interesting because he was, say it with me, written as a real person. Campbell was easy to love because he was written and played like someone i would personally want to be friends with. hes funny, caring, friendly, unique, and protective. he sort of immediately likes Eddie and is friendly and talkative with the older man. he doesnt hold back and doesnt bite his tongue when he wants to say something.

TOTA was silly and light hearted while still bringing up important subjects that i dont think a lot of media is willing to bring up. i think, unfortunately, it might have been before its time. i think if it was made recently or in recent years, a lot more people would watch it and talk about it. i think its a beautiful show that, while not laying too heavily on it, discusses mental illness in a positive way. it doesnt act like the characters disorders are flaws, it treats it as something the characters have that might make them unsatisfactory to other people but not like it is unsatisfactory and i think it was lovely.

overall, i thoroughly enjoyed watching TOTA. it was different from most things i watch but not in a way where i was reluctant to watch more and only liked it at the end. i thought the ending was brilliant, even if it wasnt a massive everyone-got-their-way sort of ending. it was honestly nice to have media that had only two characters that i can think of getting what they want. TOTA had some sad parts that were so well written i cried. and if something bad happened to a character (haha... ha... hm), i cared about the character and was upset because they were well written and i loved them.

i know i used the words "well written" and "realistic" so many times, but the main things that struck me about TOTA were those two things. while i love sci fi and fantasy, its nice to have a show that felt real, like it actually happened. i loved the characters and the plot. the writing was superb. its an amazing show that more people should watch.

(hi. sorry if this is terribly written, im not great at these sorts of things. i tried keep it focused but if i ever strayed away from the main point, i apologise)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi friend! Do you have any fics that have Sherlock with bpd, and NOT just other disorders like sociopathy? Thanks a lot Xx

Hi Nonny!

I've only got a couple of fics tagged on my MFL list with "bipolar":

Save Me or Let Me Drown by GubraithianFire(E, 72,986 w., 16 Ch. || Shameless AU || Dysfunctional Family, Alcoholism, Recreational Drug Use, Angst, Humour, Clubbing, Bipolar Disorder, Custody Battle, Mutual Pining, Family Fluff, Smut, Handcuffs, Anal Sex, Shower Sex, Rimming, Come Shot, Angst With Happy Ending) – How Sherlock escaped from his family, John sacrificed everything to his, and how, together, they built their own. Part 1 of the The Watsons series

Four Corners of the Western World Series by pennypaperbrain (E, 100,490 w. across 5 works) – Bipolar Disorder, Guns, Minor Character Death, Post-TRF, BDSM, Dom!John, Sub!Sherlock, Mental Health Issues, Depression, Mania, Suicidal Thoughts, Psychological Drama) – Undercover after Reichenbach, tracking the snipers who threatened his friends, Sherlock has one thing left he can depend on: his mind. But when he faces making his first kill, alone among the mad excesses of Las Vegas, the pressure turns out to be greater than even he can endure without John beside him.

=====

But I also have some with the semi-similar tag of Asperger's... I KNOW they're not the same though I think they will be close to what you're looking for.

APOLOGIES if I erred in a recommendation. I don't know a lot about BPD and only mean to rec stories:

The Crossed Wires of Sherlock Holmes by jackotah (T, 3,101 w., 1 Ch. || Autistic / Asperger’s Sherlock, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Sick Fic, Fluff, Allusions to Past Abuse / Alcoholism, Injury, Caring John) – Sherlock's eyes flicked up to his with intention. The action always made something inside of John flinch. It didn't come naturally or comfortably for Sherlock, that much was clear. It was a very carefully learned skill, and Sherlock could wield it like a weapon.

The Rainbow Connection by honeybee_motorcyles (M, 13,161 w., 7 Ch. || Post-TRF, Autistic Sherlock, American Road Trip, Understanding, Communication, PTSD Sherlock, Regression, Aspergers, Angst and Fluff) – A Road Trip is the best cure for Sherlock and John's relationship.

Nothing Made Me Series by jackotah (E, 18,323+ w. across 8 works || Series WiP || Autistic / Asperger’s Sherlock, Injury, Fluff, Allusions to Past Abuse, Developing Relationship) – Sherlock's eyes flicked up to his with intention. The action always made something inside of John flinch. It didn't come naturally or comfortably for Sherlock, that much was clear. It was a very carefully learned skill, and Sherlock could wield it like a weapon.

A Penny Dreadful by Popcornjones (E, 36,551 w., 12 Ch. || Post-S3, Fluff, Angst, References to Drugs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Memory Loss, Asperger's Sherlock, Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Sherlock, Bottom Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Established Relationship, Top John, Bisexual John, Friendship, Angry John, John-centric) – John wakes in hospital having lost his memory – how does Sherlock explain their life together? "...he was tall. OF COURSE he was tall. Why couldn't John have a short boyfriend?! (Or a girlfriend! John thought rebelliously. Why couldn't I wake up with a beautiful woman telling me we were TOGETHER together?!)" A little bit of everything - hurt John, action John, soft John, wanker John, their first time together, the (hopefully not) last time they were together, the whole love story we all love so much and the truth about Major Sholto.

Pain Management 2 by TheGracefulBlueCat (M, 44,610+ w., 16/? Ch. || WiP || S4 Canon Compliant, Missing Scenes, Hurt Sherlock, Hurt John, Hospitals, Drug Use, Self-Harm, Doctor John, High  Sherlock, Bed Sharing, Crying, Asperger’s / Autism Spectrum Sherlock, Dissociation, Forehead Touching, Friendship) – These are missing scenes from Season 4. This one deals with mental and physical agony, guilt, distress and sorrow. Pain-centric missing scenes. Part 3 of the Pain Management & Missing Scenes series

A Goose Quill Dipped in Venom by Polyphony (M, 52,748 w., 16 Ch. || Celebrity John AU || Alternate First Meeting, TV Host John, Supermodel Mary, Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Case Fic, First Kiss/Time, Meddling Mycroft, Drug Abuse, Doctor John, PDA, Deductions, POV Sherlock, Toplock, Sexual Tension, Angry/Rough Sex, Hopeful Ending, Asperger’s Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, is called in to a very ordinary although brutal murder. Something is badly out of tune with the whole scenario and Sherlock finds himself becoming more and more obsessed with the crime - and also with the victim.

To Be Human by ohlooktheresabee (NR, 78,437 w., 13 Ch. || Post-THoB, Graphic Violence, Synesthesia, Case Fic, Serial Killers, Kidnapping, BAMF John, Sherlock is a Mess, Asexuality/Demisexuality, Torture, Protective John, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Medical Procedures, Queerplatonic Relationships, Asperger Syndrome, Thriller, Insecure Sherlock, Touching, Caring John, Affection, Hurt Sherlock, Touch Starvation) – There is a serial killer on the loose with a penchant for collecting the brains of his victims. Sherlock, John and Scotland Yard are on the case, but something about the chosen victims has Sherlock on edge. While they piece together the clues that will lead to the killer, John begins to realize that the way his best friend thinks may sometimes be more a hindrance than a help...

A Long Walk Down a Dusty Road by sgam76(T, 143,091 w., 49 Ch. || S4 Fix It, OMC, Holmes Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Implied / Referenced Alcohol Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Implied Child Abuse, Anger Management, Aftermath / Recovery, Autistic / Asperger’s Sherlock, Angst, Mind Control) – John Watson has survived bad parents, war, tragedy and Sherlock Holmes. He's damaged, and freely admits it--admits that, often, his coping mechanisms have been almost as bad as the things that made them necessary. Some of it is his own fault--but some of it isn't. And some of it makes John dangerous, to his friends and to himself. Part 7 of Scheherezade 'verse

The Chemist by TheGracefulBlueCat (M, 158,385 w., 46/? Ch. || WiP || TLD Fix-It, Drug Use and Withdrawal, Hurt/Comfort, Doctor John, Protective Mycroft, Sick Sherlock, Medical Procedures, Grief/Mourning, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Nightmares, Mental Health Issues, Victorian Sherlock, Asperger’s Sherlock, Sherlock Is Not Okay, Papa Lestrade, Drunkenness, Autistic Sherlock, Synesthesia, Insecure Sherlock, Angst, Sick Fic, Case Fic, Asylums) – Sherlock returns to Baker Street and faces detox. But he feels too exhausted and bad to go through it fully conscious, so he - once more - uses his mind palace to distract him with an old case. But due to his drug issues and the tension between him and John things don’t work as smoothly as everyone hoped they would, confronting Sherlock and all his friends with more of their demons than they would have liked to.

Define Vulnerabilty by TheGracefulBlueCat (T, 240,606 w. 97 Ch. || Canon Compliant, Aftermath of Torture, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Scars, Sherlock's Violin, Doctor John, John is a Good Friend, Flashbacks, Case Fic, Sedation, Sherlock is a Mess / Not Okay, Nightmares, Big Brother Mycroft, Asperger's Sherlock, Fainting, Sherlock's Mind Palace, Triggers, Panic Attacks, Hurt Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Blood and Gore, Drugs / Drug Use, Helpless / Vulnerable Sherlock, Protective John, Painful Repressed Memories, PTSD Sherlock, Medical Procedures, Drugged Lestrade, Lestrade Whump, Drugged Sherlock, Recovery, Crying Sherlock, Dissociation, Forehead Touching) – Shortly after Sherlock's return John realises something is very wrong with his friend. He, Greg and Mycroft try to help Sherlock as he falls deeper and deeper into the abyss called PTSD. But Sherlock is not ready to allow anyone in, but then the events of the current case cause him to hit bottom hard. Part 8 of the Lessons in Friendship series, Part 1 of the Hiatus series

====

PLEASE if you guys have any BPD fics for Nonny, please let me know!!! I would love to suggest them!

[bumblebeerror]

I’m a normal amount of rage now so I can articulate myself I think

I understand a lot of online talk is hyperbole. I understand that not every single thing said on the internet is meant to be taken completely literally, the way my brain interprets it at first.

But. But.

The thing is that suicide bait and telling people to die and harassing others online has, historically, not only been incredibly harmful - I will have been on tumblr for a decade this coming spring. I have known people who, as far as anyone could tell, at the very least suddenly deactivated, and likely killed themselves because of a constant barrage of hatred and suicide bait for things like being aro or ace, being pan, being sexual abuse survivors and writing sexual assult fiction to cope and work through their trauma, the ‘reasons’ are endless at this point - it’s also just. Not an effective way to make fandom safer in any way, and the perpetrators of that behavior are never being hyperbolic.

It did not make tumblr safer when a group of people harassed me for misunderstanding the difference between Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder at the age of 16, nor when they continued for two full years to harass me because my first url contained the word “crazy” in refrence to myself. It didn’t make tumblr safer when they told me to kill myself. It didn’t make it safer when they told me they were happy my father died, because I was hurting and that’s what they wanted. It didn’t make tumblr safer when I felt so personally in danger that I had to send an ask containing the address and phone number of the person who started all of it, someone I knew In Real Life and Knew My Schedule, to them, just to get them to stop for fear I would contact their mother or call the police, because the harassment was that intense. And I was one of the lucky ones - someone who knew their harasser irl and could properly leverage a threat like that in exchange for finally being left alone after two full years of nonstop hell every time I opened the site.

And before it crosses anyones mind - yes, it is suicide bait to tell someone they should die. We aren’t playing this game. Just like when aphobes said it so fucking often that prominent ace bloggers actually did end up hurting themselves, and got mass reported for it and changed it to “piss your pants”, saying “you should die” is the same intent as “kill yourself”. Don’t fucking kid with me.

It doesn’t make fandom safer for minors to tell sexual assult survivors to die because they wrote fiction to work through their trauma.

It doesn’t make fandom safer for trans folk to tell trans fans of shitty authors to die.

It doesn’t make fandom safer for mentally ill or disabled folks to tell people to die.

What it does, is convince vulnerable people that they really are better off dead. What it does is convince people you barely know, who have friends and family and lovers, to kill themselves, on the basis of what fucking fandom they’re in. I cannot imagine a more fucking morally depraved reason to say that to anyone.

It helps no one to do this. It benefits nobody. It doesn’t make you a virtuous person, it doesn’t make you morally correct.

It makes you someone who, without the threat of irl consequences, would happily, eagerly, and with sick relish, make someone’s life hell because you don’t like that they like a certain media.

And regardless of what that media is, the very idea of that is absolutely disgustingly wrong.

Human rights don’t only extend to people you like. They extend to everyone. So should your goddamn morals.

[hughiecampbelle]

Succession Preference: Having a Partner With Bipolar Disorder

A/N: I have Bipolar II, so I can only write from my own experience and what I do to cope. I wrote a Peaky Blinders request similar to this, too ages ago. Know that I'm not trying to glamorize or romanticize anything. I just have a really hard time seeing myself be in a relationship with anyone because of this disorder and I fear no one will love me or someone like me because of all this 😅 I just want this to be sweet for anyone going through the same things I do! 💜💜💜

Connor has no idea what you're talking about. You seem fine, right? It's only when you finally break down, exhausted from keeping up the facade, do you tell him that you have Bipolar Disorder. He's heard of it of course, but not in the terms you're thinking of. In jokes about his dad being "so bipolar", about the weather being "so bipolar", but not like this. He sits you down, hating that you thought you needed to hide this from him, that you were using every last bit of your energy and focus to keep yourself together. You weren't even doing a very good job, you thought, canceling your last date because you couldn't leave your house. He asks a lot of clarifying questions, needing to understand what it is, why you have it, how long you've had it. It runs in your family, and you've had it for a long time. You're managing things with medications and therapy, but it doesn't stop these episodes from happening, not completely. The next question he asks brings tears to your eyes: how can I help? No one's ever asked that. They dismiss you, saying you don't have it because you're not explaining your entire history, your every thought, to them. Or they shake their heads/roll their eyes, not wanting to hear or care about it, like you should stop talking about it. Connor wants to be there through everything, even the hard parts. He's not giving up on you or your relationship like you feared. He cares about you, every part of you, and nothing will ever change that. He assures you, nothing.

Kendall isn't sure what to say besides okay. He knows you're in therapy, that you take meds at night, but he doesn't really give it a second thought. Not until he finds you standing in the scalding shower, date night clothes on and soaking wet, does he start asking questions. You can't answer, give a coherent one at least. Your skin won't stop crawling and this is the only way to make it better. It's the only way to regulate without doing something self-destructive. You stand there for as long as you need. It's not until a few days later that you tell him you have Bipolar Disorder. Okay. That you're beginning to feel manic. Okay. That you can go through periods of mania and depression. Okay. That the hot water helps. Okay. That you're not a danger to anyone else or yourself. Okay. That you're in therapy, that you're taking your meds, that if he doesn't want to be with you anymore you'd understand. That knocks the wind out of him. What? That's not at all what he wants to do. You know that he's not understanding the full weight of your words, that he's only seen you hypo/manic, the fun, bubbly, lively you. He hasn't seen you depressed, he hasn't seen you crash like you will soon. You ask him to take a break, until you're back to stable. He asks how long that will be. You're not sure. After about a week he shows up at your doorstep, unable to be without you. You still remain careful, explaining everything to him, making sure he knows what he's getting into. You're still not convinced despite the years you've been together. Kendall isn't worried. He'll be with you through it all. Everything.

Shiv I love shiv she's so pretty knows quite a bit about it. She took a psych class in college hoping to diagnose a few family members. She understands the basics, the two ends of the spectrum, but she's never met anyone with it. At least, that she knows of. She finds out about it the first night you sleep over at her house. You think you're being quiet with the pill bottles, but she's quieter, making you jump as she appears out of nowhere. You say they're for sleep, but she knows better. You try to shrug it off like it's nothing, but she wants to talk about it. You can't meet her eyes when you explain everything. The reason she's never been to your place is because you've been depressed lately and it's a mess and it's taking everything out of you just to show up to work. She holds your hand through all this, playing with your fingers, a sign that she's worried. You think you've ruined it all. She must hate you for deceiving you like this. Instead she grabs her bag and walks you to the car. From there you go to your apartment where she starts cleaning. You're so embarrassed at the state of things, but she doesn't seem to mind. She never wants to hear your voice crack like that again, she never wants you to be so full of guilt and shame like that again. You'll figure it out together, you will, she promises you. She'll help you every step of the way.

Roman at first makes a joke about it. You knew he would. He's seen you at your lowest, he's seen your scars, he's heard all the horror stories. You're not trying to scare him away with this, you just need him to know that sometimes things can get very bad and he needs to be prepared for that if he wants to be with you. You've been together a long time before you work up the courage to tell him, though he's suspected something for a while. You couldn't get out of your bed, you weren't eating, you were sleeping and crying and shaking all day. You'd completely shut him out, not answering his calls or texts. He deserved an explanation that wasn't a half-assed apology. It all makes sense now. So, what, now I'm dating two people for the price of one? You're being vulnerable and all he has to say is that? Once he sees the look of hurt on your face, he immediately apologizes, over and over again. Of course he can make jokes about it, you'd prefer if he did instead of never bringing it up again, just not right now when you're trying to have a serious conversation. You tell him that if he wants to call it quits, he can, that you would totally understand. You know it's not easy living with you, dealing with all this, at least he has the chance to leave. That's what he calls you crazy for, for thinking he would leave you over something like this. He's seen you as your worst and he loves you more than life itself. Not despite it, not out of ignorance or because he feels like he should, he just does. Bipolar Disorder won't change that. Nothing will. You're stuck with him.

[necroromantics]

Hey hey tomb is there anything more about tobin?? We need more of him plss he is so cooll we love him so much pls spill we're listening:3

*puppy eyes*

UHHHH I DUNNO WHAT TO SAY SPECIFICALLY... Heres a bunch of random facts though... If you want me to expand on anything specifically lmk (None of these are particularly relevant to the plot of Creepedverse, if you wanna know more about that feel free to leave an ask on the account @creepedverse )

-He has a little sister named Emily. Shes 8 years younger than Tobin. The last time he saw her was before he killed his father. He was 17, she was 9.

-His mother dealt with severe mental health issues all his life, and his father was heavy into drugs and alcohol. Tobin was really the only one who raised Emily. He would steal chocolate bars from the store to give her, cook her supper, get her ready for school, etc

-Tobin knows how to braid hair. He learned one night after his mom yelled at Emily when she asked her to braid her hair. He took his crying sister into his room and spent an hour trying to figure it out for her

-He used to run away all the time, or would get kicked out, but always ended up back home. Either he calmed down, his mother calmed down, or the cops dragged him back without asking why he ran away in the first place

-Tobin is very interested in guns. Something he picked up from his father. He likes older models the most

-His favourite music artists are Green Day, The Offspring, Three Days Grace, Alice In Chains, Aerosmith, Eminem, and NWA

-Despite being insensitive and callous, he's very loyal and very protective of the people he likes. But he's insanely picky on who he deems worth his time and energy

-Tobin is awful with emotions. He doesn't like when people vent to him, he never knows what to say, and he doesn't really care about their problems

-Being in and out of school his whole life, Tobin is very set back on his education. He barely even knew how to read until Tali taught him. She was his tutor in high school, which caused a lot of arguments between the two hotheads

-He's good with his hands. He steals bikes and takes them apart for scraps. He's also very into welding and later in life, he'd spend his time in chop shops fixing up or taking apart busted cars

-Tobin is very unserious and goofy. 99% of the shit he does is because he thinks its funny or entertaining. He has a mindset of "nothing matters", to a fault. He finds it very difficult to understand why others might take certain things seriously, or be hurt by things

-He's a troublemaker from birth. Always starting fights, running his mouth, getting his shit rocked. Tobin is not one to hold his tongue for the sake of peace. If someone has a problem with him, thats their issue, not his

-Before he killed his dad, Tobin was pretty well known by the local cops (small town). They'd sometimes drive past and ask if he was staying out of trouble. Nobody was really surprised when they heard about what he did

-He has untreated bipolar disorder (not borderline.) and goes fucking insane for a week or two every so often. Tali can always tell when he's heading for an episode before he can, and is always there to help him out

-He got the scar on his mouth from being attacked by a dog when he was 8

-He doesn't have a middle name

-Tobin carries his backpack with him everywhere. It holds his entire life (Wallet, switchblade, cigarettes, candy bars)

-He skates (board) and has busted his ass more times than he can count

-Freedom is the most important thing to him. The only thing in the entire world that he'd ever even consider giving up his freedom for is Tali. Anything for her

-His love language is acts of service. Heavily. He wont buy people gifts or say nice things to them or spend time with them, but if they need help with something, he's there, he'll do it in a heartbeat, whatever they need

-He's a big hypeman and likes encouraging people. On his good days, he's funny, outgoing, and optimistic

-On his bad days, he's a piece of shit who'll blow up on anyone, do anything he can to cause problems, put others down. He'll lash out, hit where it hurts. Horribly self destructive

-Tobins favourite colours are orange, blue, green, in that order

-He was really into dinosaurs as a kid. His favourite dinosaur is the bruhathkayosaurus

-He's very open-minded, like this guy does NOT care at all about what someone else is doing. He was raised to always mind his own business, let people do their thing, and he kept that mindset growing up. To a fault. He doesn't care if someone is a killer, sexist, gay, a furry, conservative, a cannibal, whatever. He has his own views, and does not care enough to be bothered by other peoples

-Despite being very morally skewed and being a chronic idgafer, Tobin is fiercely against harming, and people who harm, children and women (Physically. He doesn't care about emotional). He grew up defending his little sister and sometimes his mother from his father. He thinks people who prey on those weaker than them are pussies, and always stands up for the smaller guy

-Due to this, Tobin tends to pick fights with people who are bigger than him, or people who he views as a threat. Authority, people who act tough, disrespect him, etc. He'll pistol whip a guy twice his size he does NOT have any regards for his own limits or safety

-He was close with his grandma growing up. He's a grandmas boy. She never really knew all the things he was up to (drugs, selling, fights), but she's been around for a long time so she always had a feeling. One of the things he thinks about from time to time is how he never got to say goodbye to her before he ditched town

-Tobin had a few close encounters with death. Almost getting his brains blown out, accidentally overdosing, nearly drowning. The feeling right before you're about to die is something he's well acquainted with

-He's big into anarchy and knows how to make various bombs. Never gets around to it though. He doesn't trust his knowledge in chemistry enough to not blow himself up

-He does boxing when he needs to blow off some steam

[cookiewoli]

Okay this is a scream out post, idc who wants to read it or not but I need to unwind.

Every weekends, my fiance and I receive friends at home and play some boardgames all the day. We were playing a game (Dice throne) and I got a card "SchizoOni" and one of the guy here laughed and said

Guy : haha, so that Oni is sometimes kind, sometimes mean

Me : No.

Guy : But that's schizophrenia right ?

Me : No. That's not schizophrenia.

Guy : Okay so this is bipolar ?

Me : No either

Guy : So multiple personalities ?

Me : No. If you play nice but act mean you are just a fucking asshole. Mental illness has nothing to do with.

*Silence in the room*

There are two things that piss me off. First, why some game have cards with "schizo" wrote on it ? Why making cards with schizophrenic character on it ? And why most of them are evil or draw like a psychopath ? Go ahead, then let's make some character cards like "suicidal friend" "PTSD soldier " "bipolar girlfriend" "depressed mom". Obviously these type of cards would be unacceptable. But why it's not the same when it's about schizophrenia ? In aaaaall the different boardgame we have at home, I "banished " almost 10 cards with the term "schizo" wrote on it without any context because it's a fucking trigger warning.

Secondly, people are using the term schizophrenia as an insult and without knowing what it is !! All the clichés are "schizophrenic people are dangerous" "they have multiple personalities" "they're crazy" "they're killing people" and omg all of this are WRONG !

People are always confusing schizophrenia with DID. DID is the dissociative identify disorder. And that's NOT THE SAME THING as schizophrenia. In the DSM-V, DID is into the dissociative disorder family, and schizophrenia is into psychotic disorder. People that are saying "but that's the same thing." No, that's not. It's like saying asthma and lung cancer are the same thing.

Schizophrenia is one of the most misunderstood and terrifying illnesses and no one wants to understand what it's really is. There are under 1% of people diagnosed with schizophrenia. And inside this 1%, there are under 4% of people that are dangerous toward others. Most of people with schizophrenia are dangerous toward THEMSELVES. That's why the Sui**dal rates is very high. Media looooves to show schizophrenic people as dangerous murderer and it's so bullshit. That's one of the reason why people diagnosed with this illness are scared to tell it to others. When I was to a psychiatrist school, some people diagnosed with schizophrenia were lying to their friends "oh, I'm here because I have depression" because they're scared to tell the truth and be seen as monsters. Because that's how people see us.

So let's clarify together what schizophrenia is ! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

- it's NOT a multiple personalities disorder

- they are NOT dangerous toward others. Well, it can happens of course. But it's rare.

- It's NOT two opposing traits switching. Like "Kind - mean" (for example, doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde) or "Happy - sad"

- there are not a "face of schizophrenic person"

(I heard so much people saying to me 'ooooh, but you're so cute. You don't look schizophrenic.")

So. Schizophrenia is a psychotic mental illness. You can resume it by a loss of sense of reality.

It includes hallucinations, delusions and a lot of other things, but I will try to be as simple as possible.

Hallucinations can affects all the senses : touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste. The most knows are hearing voices, or see things that doesn't exist, HOWEVER, see whole people moving, talking to you is a big cliché into the movies. Actually, visual hallucinations can be less impressive. Yes, indeed, some people can have horrible hallucinations (I was concerned when I was 13), but some see things more.... Simple. I knew a girl who was seeing dragonfly and birds. But I knew another guy who was seeing aliens walking into the corridor.

Delusions are more difficult to explain. It's just thinking something that are not real, but it's more complex. You loose your sense of perception of reality. Your sense of reasoning. You loose the meaning of "reality" and that's something very difficult to understand to people when they're see someone close to them locked into their delusions. When you're thinking something stupid, unreal, like "people can read into my mind" your sense of reasoning come and tell you "lmaaaooo, it doesn't exist. People can't read into your mind. That's science-fiction"

Well, when you have schizophrenia, your sense of reasoning has gone for holidays and your like "omg. People can read into my thoughts. What should I do ?? Be careful of what I'm thinking?? Stop see people ?? Tell them to stop reading into my mind ? Stay in my room for months and see nobody until they'll stop ?"

It seems really stupid, but the worse part of delusions is that you're trapped into it and you don't know you're trapped.

Anyway. The same guy I talked about in the beginning said to my fiance "Are you sure she have schizophrenia ? She doesn't seems to. Maybe she's faking, or maybe she just have a lot of imagination. Or she wants attention."

And omg I wanted to fuck myself up so I leave.

YeS iT's jUsT mY iMaGinaTiOn but I get diagnosed of schizoaffective disorder by 4 different psychiatrist. I have to take 7 pills (1725 mg in the beginning . Now 975mg) everyday for the rest of my life, which worsened my hypotension so often I'm fainting randomly when I stand up. I have to see psychiatrist, psychologist, nurse and therapist for the rest of my life too (more of that I'm diagnosed of CPTSD) I can't fucking bear to see my full body recover of scars that have more of 10 year and will stay here forever. I dropped school at 15. Get to mental hospital at 16. 10 times in 2 years and in 4 different places. Then I get accepted to a special school for teenagers with mental illness. But thanks to it, I succeed to finish my studies with good grades.

"Faking my symptoms" ? Oh, yes, of course. Of course. I'm faking hearing voices telling me "hey, see these stairs ? Why don't you jump into it and k*LL yourself ? Nobody loves you" "hey, this person, here. He will try to rape you." "Worthless, useless, unloved, unwanted" I'm faking hitting my head against the wall to make those noises stop.

Yeah, I'm faking feeling bugs crawling into my skin. Yeah, I'm faking tearing up my flesh because I think that the bugs are hide under my skin. And cuz scratching my skin until bleeding will make them leaves. Of course. Of course.

So I CAN'T STAND being told I'm faking my schizoaffective disorder for attention. Even if I'm okay with it, to talk about it, CPTSD was diagnosed recently and hits hard. Mainly from September to January. It's hurt my whole life and sometimes my mental health just break. But my fiance is here with me and I'm so glad to have it.

Okay I'm done complaining ! I don't think people stayed until the end, but if it's the case, just thank you to read all my boring speech. I'm tired, so tired, angry, sad. My psychologist is on holiday, I see my psychiatrist one per month, and my fiance is working so I'm alone at home. I just needed to express my frustration. Because I have big difficulty to talk about my emotions verbally. Even to my fiance. So I'm writing to him on discord even when he's next to me, because my only way to talk about my suffering is by writing. So let's take some med and go to sleep. Hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Artist ↑ : avogado6

[qumiiiquinnquin]

this family very much does not understand mental health, but i cant talk to them to educate and be able to talk to them about what is wrong, without them always getting frustrated at me or demanding an answer as to what i want them to do. i often get shot down or my answer isn't good enough for them. they've accused me of using anxiety and depression as excuses to act shitty, which is not true. ive explained my problems to my sibling numerous times only for them to snap back at me and they refuse to read what i wrote. every time, it is up to me to apologize for displaying symptoms, though i cant phrase it like that, but rather apologize for "how i acted." my dad does not want me to say i have anxiety and depression because self-diagnosis is bad. he has yelled at me and been physical with me during multiple depressive episodes or anxiety attacks.

i cannot say i was abused or have trauma either. just, people werent very great, thats all i can say, but i cant talk about those that hurt me too much because "they're family" and "they loved you." my mom did not care about my sa story, responding to it with "that happens" and moved on to talk about her own trauma. i hadn't told anyone but her in my family about the incident and i do not want to. in 2021 she stopped me from talking to her about the abuse from my nana because "its not nice to talk about people behind their backs." even though my dad has since apologized and stopped when i was 12, my dad's yelling and spanking since we were little made me nervous to accidentally set him off. i dont know if im wrong to feel that way about spanking, but he intentionally would do it very hard and my sibling and i would feel pain for several hours or longer. but since he feels guilty about it, we aren't allowed to call it abuse and i cannot say it caused me trauma. this same situation gets applied with my stepdad who has yelled at us for numerous things. and, of course there is what my nana and "aunt" have done.

apparently, this same lack of understanding and ignorance of mental health was present when my parents were still married, where my dad did not know much about bipolar disorder, which my mom has, but would not listen to my mom or try to understand.

my grandma seems to be the only person i can talk to and actually understands and cares about mental health.

i want to be able to tell my family whats going on. they're my family. i do not want to separate from them both physically and emotionally. i genuinely feel at a loss.

[that-bipolar-mood]

hey, my therapist thinks i might be bipolar and I’m really scared. it makes sense but it’s not something that I had thought about

I don’t know what to do what if I am bipolar??? im so worried that my friends will see me in a different way and I can’t loose them, I need them there all I have. I don’t know anyone that is bipolar and I have no support groups for bipolar disorder near me the closest one is almost 4 hours away. are people really going to see me so differently? Is being bipolar as bad as it sounds? Would meditation help or make it worse? I know nothing and I’m so worried about what’s going to happen. I know nothing about being bipolar. I’m sorry for the rambling I don’t know what to do, I’m just looking for help here.

-Axel

Hey there, sorry for my rambling, and thanks for stopping by.

Basically, I can assure you that all of us who were diagnosed went through something like this.

It's a long process, not gonna lie, but a good way to start is researching this condition. If you like books, fiction, or nonfiction (though I suggest non-fiction first), a quick google search will give you plenty of suggestions. My fav being Kay Redfield Jamieson, p.h.d. There are also movies, some more realistic than others. Probably among the top three is "Touched with Fire".

Anyway, once you get the basics and perhaps come to the conclusion that your therapist was right, you step on the path towards recovery and acceptance. (Not talking about full recovery since bipolar is a chronic condition)

1. You are still you

I know how deeply profoundly sucky the point of view becomes. You might see life through lenses of this illness, even yourself, your interests, and so on. But the cliché is true: your illness doesn't define you.

2. Acceptance isn't linear

Maybe unconventional, but I found that worrying and thinking about bipolar 24/7 made it worse. Some days I'll feel normal, some days I'll curse the day I was born. I'll mourn the losses I suffered from this illness, but I also will remember that there are is light.

3. This illness is dangerous

So many of us underestimated the consequences( of particularly mania). Depression is well known nowadays, but mania is often romanticised, glorified, and brushed aside. Meds, if prescribed, are your weapon.

4. What happened sucks, but...

Reexamine your life, goals, ambitions, needs, and wants. Even though I refused to accept the diagnosis at first, I still forced the evaluation. Because I felt my life was ruined, I, for the first time, realized what was truly important to strive for. Plus, I got rid of many universal bad habits. But it's okay to take time. Please take time, self care and love are priorities.

5. Let others be

This is probably the hardest part. Some people never tell they are bipolar. But having Carrie Fisher for an inspiration made me stop hiding. Either way, some will leave, and some will stay. It's not your job to educate them, to force their narrow views wide, to in any way lose your energy over their ignorance. BUT. Others will actually try to understand. Your friends, I dare say, will want to help, be there, because you are you, and this is just an illness. Be patient and kind with those. Family is trickier, but in the end, they love you. Remember, when someone leaves, it's their loss. However, in the 21st century, people tend to be more open-minded. I never received a negative comment from my peers. When I "came out," people were kind and gentle, even though I expected them to start throwing stuff at me, literally.

I am certain that you will find your own way of dealing with this load. You will grow and evolve, like a beautiful flower, and this will seem easier, with each step down the road. You can find many successful and happy people with this condition. I personally cannot live without mediation, yoga, my dog, my wonderful friends, and yearly Skam rewatches. These keep me grounded, even when I punch my pillow in frustration, because goddamn universe why me.

Finding your way is therapeutic. the internet offers great advice, people gave great lectures, and you can even find podcasts, specifically about bipolar disorder. But in the end, it's just an illness, yes, a giant part of you, but also the unimportant part. Your thoughts, emotions, interests, desires, and more - this is you - and more. and more. infinite. a whole universe. perfect. While bipolar is merely a dot. And if you two are ever in opposition, my bet will always be on you.

If this is remotely close to an answer, I am glad. If not, my dms are open. Or if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know. With Love,

x

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Hey, Nyarla. I've been following you for a while and although this is a safe space and you seem extremely open minded and kind, I don't feel brave enough to say this off-anon due to past experiences.

You're one of the first authors who, without writing for it directly, has made me comfortable reading your headcanon sets and your fics and blurs, because they way you represent characters is comforting.

I am autistic, and it is extremely hard to have people not treat you like you're either mentally impaired (due to misinformation) or plain creepy (due to ableism), and it is disheartening to just exist sometimes. Often times, this kind of treatment gets applied from authors into their work. I don't think everyone has to know everything about every single condition in the world, but it seems there's a tendency to, most of the time, infantilize or demonize, or apply the aforementioned treatment, to neurodivergent people.

But to my very pleasant surprise, you had this set of headcanons for Mihawk, titled "Mood Swings", where you wrote the reader with some bipolar tendencies, and I couldn't help but bawl. I genuinely cried for a good while, in both relief and happiness. You didn't demonize bipolar tendencies, nor make him annoyed, nor anything of the sort. You were SO respectful about it, and so fucking mature in your writing, and it felt like a warm hug and a reassuring pat on the back.

You haven't even written anything for an autistic reader themselves, and you still helped me immensely with one single fic. Thank you so much for the way you write, and for the way you interact with your followers. You're wonderful, and I am eternally grateful to you for just one single set of headcanons like that. You reaffirmed the comfort within my comfort character. I hope you yourself find joy in the fact you, unknowingly, made a person so irremediably happy.

I can't thank you enough ❤️

I understand completely the desire to remain anonymous, but please know I still have the utmost respect for you for sending me this, and I really just wanna give you the biggest hug in the world, and I legitimately have tears in my eyes right now.

I'm going to come out and say right now, I'm schizophrenic. My official diagnoses is schizoaffective disorder depressive type, which essentially means that I experience symptoms of psychosis associated with schizophrenia (mostly auditory hallucinations in my case, occasionally visual, tends to worsen with lack of sleep) in tandem with symptoms characteristic of depression. I don't tend to tell people about it, because I know how schizophrenia is depicted in fiction and media in general. Typically as psychos that do bad things "because the voices said to."

I'm saying this because I want you to know that I understand how people tend to attach stigma to mental health conditions and neurodivergence, and I know how much it sucks and how much it hurts; and also that I respect you so, so much for talking about it. It's kind of skewed whether schizophrenia is considered neurodivergeant or not, but I tend toward identifying as neurodivergent. Experiencing the world differently, processing information differently, thinking differently is the general definition of ND, and I definitely identify with that.

I haven't specifically written autistic characters/readers largely because I don't feel like I would be able to accurately represent it, and I do not want to write it in a way that would make anyone uncomfortable or upset. I helped raise two of my nephews that were autistic, and they were both so different, in personality and quirks and "symptoms." They're also amazing and vibrant and intellient in ways that I can't even begin to describe.

Two of my favorite fictional characters that are generally accepted as being autistic are L and Near from Death Note. It's never explicitly stated in the manga or anime that they're autistic, but they're both written and depicted in a way that shows how they think and experience things differently without demeaning them for it; that other characters are a little nervous or intimidated around them at first, but grow to understand and form bonds with them over the course of the story; and they're also shown to be distinctly different from each other in personality, rather than carbon copies of each other. As such, if you haven't read/watched Death Note, I highly recommend it. Manga more than anime for personal reasons (there were some differences made in the ending of the anime that I don't agree with but I'm not going to get into that here)

ANYWAY

I'm also really beyond happy that you enjoyed Mood Swings. I wrote it with exactly the intention of representing Bi-Polar symptoms realistically and without any stigma. Knowing that you found it comforting makes me so, so happy. That was exactly what I wanted. I've seen "bi-polar" used synonymously with "psycho" so often, usually in tandem with a particular word rhyming with "witch," and I hate it so much.

Mental health isn't a joke. Some people are born with their brains wired differently. Some people are forced to live through trauma that rewires their brain. It makes day-to-day life exhausting beyond measure, particularly if it involves interacting with other people, and it's even more exhausting when others poke fun at it and don't take it seriously.

I know I'm repeating myself, but I really, sincerely want this blog to be a safe place for everyone. So it makes me so, so happy to recieve Asks like yours. So thank you again, and I hope you (and anyone else who needs it) continue to find this to be a safe place.