#its a genuine addiction at this point and i cant even regret it

[kateisgonnabeperfect]

@ me, please read this at points throughout the day and night; its a cruel reminder but its needed. dont let yourself feel like this again. please no matter what youre thinking or how youre feeling for a split second.

i woke up this morning and all i could think about is how dirty and fat i feel. how terrible it felt to eat last night. how fucking scary food and eatinf really is. on my walk this morning i could feel the fat jiggle on my body and thats all because of food. how shitty i feel after eating almost anything. how scary most foods truly are. all i can think is hunger isnt the enemy but i most certainly will deny it if i dont NEED to eat. not even just for weight loss, obviously i still want to lose weight but thinking about it just as weight loss is like saying ok just dont eat for now then eat like no, dont be a pig. no matter what at the end of the day i will never let myself truly want to eat. its scary. it’s disgusting. i want you guys to keep me in this mind-space so i can free myself from the fat on this body; remind me how shitty it feels to eat. how scary it is to eat. please. i dont want to be fat and gross anymore or ever again. ill take the pain of hunger or the split sadness of missing out on a food rather than being fat or the total disgust and regret after eating. remind me to always say no to food. never let me think food and eating is “okay” even if im genuinely hungry. dont let me get back into that fat mindset please. i never want to go back to that mindset it ruined me.

i also never wanna purge n shit either i jus want to not eat and be able to just say no and be reminded of what i said here anytime i go to eat and think “do i really need this” “is it really worth it, how much have you eaten today” n shit like that

plus ive been on both sides of the spectrum and being thinner is so much better, people are so much nicer to you and actually listen to you and care about what you have to say. and they want to take care of you and help you. being thinner is so much better so why would i ever cave into the mindset that food is okay. ive had to deal with a food addiction and BED and i cant even risk lettinf myself slip back into that ever. ever. genuinely the lowesr point in my life.

[shitty-eyepocalypse-domains]

a hunt domain that’s just a *very* intense playground game of tag

Add in some corruption so thay you're playing tag with the plague and this is just Pathologic lmao.

[fairycosmos]

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

resource one

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[chikkou]

late to the discussion but what do you think about buzzo?

im definitely not as passionate about him as other characters in the series, but i find him pretty interesting... its fascinating the way he scapegoats brad for his own guilt about what happened to lisa, and then after brad mutates, has to come to terms with the fact that brad was not the monster he built him up to be in his head, and that he basically drove him to joy addiction and his untimely death for no reason

buzzo was at his peak power in the painful, and while its cool to see, i actually find it better as a build up to his downfall. he had most of olathe under his thumb, he was living this out this life of twisted hedonism with no one to stop him, and its not until he encounters brad after a long while of not seeing him that the whole thing starts to unravel. note his initial reaction when brad first encounters him in the painful - after doing his creepy drug dealer schtick, once he actually sees who hes talking to, the whole persona drops for a moment and he simply states, “oh... its you.” brad doesnt recognize buzzo, but buzzo recognizes HIM, and i think the sight of him brought back memories that buzzo wanted to leave behind him, thus why he began the game of torturing brad with impossible decisions (party member or all your stuff, party member or your limbs, etc). 

but that cant last forever. as much as buzzo wants to blame brad, deep down he KNOWS brad was not the one at fault for lisas death. he fights against that though, and keeps torturing brad until it kills him - but that isnt justice. it doesnt bring lisa back, or make up for the sins done to her, and he isnt even targeting the right person. he seems to have realized that in the joyful - hes miserable pretty much the entire game, and doesnt smile at all anymore (whereas in the painful, that big smile was his default sprite). he sleeps with brad beside his bed because brad is the last living tie he has to lisa, and torturing him had been the only way he could still feel connected to her before that. i think realizing that is what makes him change his mind about olathe and yado, and leads to him getting himself killed to stop yado. 

i definitely was a much bigger fan of buzzo in the joyful, because while he is formidable and threatening in the painful, in the joyful we get to see his entire web unwinding and the truth spilling out. he never really grew up properly. he was so wrapped up in that trauma, he never learned how to cope or move on, and it corrupted him from the inside out. he blames himself so much, he projected all that onto brad because he had to blame anyone else, and brad was a convenient sponge. but its himself that he really hates. this is most easily seen when he mutates in front of buddy and barely attacks her during the battle; he spends most of the fight crying, calling out for lisa, and biting himself to kill himself faster. 

speaking of buddy, its also interesting to note that he has zero interest in her, in ANY capacity - the only times he interacts with her were specifically designed to torment brad. he forces brad to choose between cutting off her nipple or killing all of his party members, and has one of his men hit her with a club in order to force brad to consume several joy pills. but he doesnt want her, and surprisingly, he is actually one of the less cruel characters to her. he is still cruel, of course, but i would put him pretty far down the list - he doesnt come anywhere near mr angoneli, who scars her face and wounds her eye, or yado, who killed her mother and abandoned her to use her as a pawn in whatever game he was playing with olathe. even brad technically does worse, since apart from making her kill at least two innocent men, he also kicks her so hard she flies across a room, and then beats her so badly she visibly begins bleeding while she is trying to protect marty. 

but he has no qualm with her. he actually helps her in the joyful, and more than once - he saves her from brad after he mutates (its unclear if brad would have seriously harmed her, but as there is a battle encounter between the two of them before buzzo steps in, its possible he could have), explicitly tells his joy boys not to touch her when she enters their hideout, and later saves her again from sweetheart, taking mortal damage in the process. i definitely think her resemblance to lisa is a big part of why, but more than that, i think buzzo at this point has become genuinely regretful - he knows he has done wrong, and a lot of it, but he cant just walk back all the things hes done. he helps buddy in such a way that it doesnt seem cognizant at first; after all, if hed wanted to harm her, he could have easily done so right at the start. buddy was alone and trapped between both buzzo and brad. but that was never his goal; his motivation, like brads, is almost exclusively centered around lisa, but when he has finally slain the last person who had any direct connection to her, he realizes that it is much, much too late. 

at the end of the day i guess what i find most interesting about buzzo is the parallels between him and brad, and his little “relationship” with buddy. brad and buzzo deal with near-identical guilt, as the only two people who knew what lisa was going through but didnt (or couldnt) stop it - but while brad internalizes that pain and primarily focuses on dulling the pain with drugs and alcohol, buzzo externalizes it and makes all those around him suffer instead. its heavily implied that his trauma from mutilating lisas face and practicing amputation on those animals gave buzzo some kind of amputation fetish, since many of his joy boys are missing one arm, and if buddy talks to them with her joy mask on, one of them will compliment her for having both arms, suggesting that buzzo does this somewhat regularly. he doesnt know what to do with those feelings, so he makes everyone in his life suffer as he is suffering, something that brad does unintentionally. theres just SO much to get into with him that its really hard to narrow it all down LMAO

[slut-for-fandoms]

Paint me yours (kth x reader) PART 1

Pairings: Artist!Taehyung x reader

Genre: smut, fluff, angst (in the following chapters) 

Summary:  You are an art college student who struggles with finances. Until one day, on an exhibition of the arising artist Kim Taehyung, when the same boy offers you a job as his model. Would it be just a simple job or would it complicate your life in ways you have never thought it would?

Warnings: none in this one (perhaps my bad writing and lots of mistakes?) 

A/N: So here is the first chapter. I really don’t know what to think about it as i haven’t written anything in more than a year (so sorry guys but now I am back, yey) I really do hope you like it and please let me know what you think and whether you would like to be tagged in the series ♥ Enjoy 

Euphoria. Excitement. Happiness. Exaltation. A complete symphony of colors and emotions. Blue, purple, violet, azure - blended in such a way that glues you to the masterpiece. At places it seems unfinished, raw, as though the creator has been in a hurry. But at the same time it is so detailed that you wonder how long it took him to create it. It represents a woman, or to be more precise, a young girl. Long hair composed with ochre, amber, honey and a hint of gold, covers half of her pale face. Her lips are the perfect combination of red, cheery, wine and auburn. An orderly chaos of colors.

While everything seems just as raw painting, the most capturing features are the eyes. They are so detailed and express the condition of the girl. The sparks that make her look tangible grabs you on a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings and somehow makes you even experience the same state.  I move to the next painting.

Sadness. Affliction. Pain. Torment. The contrast between the used shades is much deeper. Pale yet dark. The more I look at it, the more it captivates me. All of the creations I saw were beyond amazing, complete masterpieces but this one… This one is different. One look and I got this strange feeling in my guts when we anticipate something bad, something that might hurt us.

The background is composed of dark shades, while the girl is sculpted of the pale range of colors. Again, the most detailed parts are the eyes. You get the feeling as if a soul was trapped inside the drawn girl that shows how much she suffers. The more you contemplate, the more you assume that the darkness around her represents the cruel world, while the bright yet shaded colors shows how fragile and broken she is. Is it from the world? What destroyed her? Who made her look like a shattered vase which parts are no longer going to form its beautiful shape?

Holding my glass of champagne I took some steps back and sat on the settee opposite the painting. Thanks god it wasn’t that low as they use to be in other galleries. I crossed my legs which caused the hem of my black dress to roll up slightly. As an art student, I tend to visit many exhibitions in order to get inspiration, gain knowledge of the new and unorthodox styles and improve mine. I can’t say I am complaining as we are given free access to any kind of such events. This is beyond amazing as now I am contemplating the art of one of the rising artists – Kim Taehyung. Honestly, I have never seen him but the critics consider him the new Van Gogh and now I understand why.

When I came I was so uneven about it, all the people here were rich and classy and I, a broken student with a cheap dress borrowed from her friend, had no place here. Everything was out of my league and I felt like garbage disfiguring this place.

“You seem really immersed into the picture.”, someone chucked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked up and saw man in golden suit and two glasses of champagne in his hands. His smile was so bright, genuine, that it made me blush slightly, “May I?”, he titled his head towards the settee as if asking if it was free.

“Ye- yeah, of course”, I stuttered and put a lock of fallen hair behind my ear.

His smile grew bigger and he took the free seat next to me.

“Here.”, he gave me one of the glasses. I looked up at him confused, “I saw that you have already finished yours so…”, I looked at my glass which was empty. I might have stayed there for a way longer time that I have thought. I left the glass on the floor next to the settee.

“Thank you.”, I gave him a smile, although inside I was feeling embarrassed, “Very fond of you.”, I said after taking the offered glass.

“Well, I just wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I have left such a beautiful lady sitting here by her side. The champagne was just an excuse to approach you.”, I bit my lip and tried to hide myself due to the blush that crept on my face.

“You are even more appealing when blushing.”, okay, I have never believed I could become so red but here I am.

“Please, stop.”, I stuttered through the smile that just grew bigger on my face.

“Why?”, he tilted his head and asked me with that sweet smirk still placed on his face, his eyes never leaving my figure, “you don’t like honest people?”, as a response I chuckled and tried to gain my dignity and look at him. Why was I such a blushing mess around this… stranger…a handsome stranger?

“It is just that you are the first one to approach me this evening.”, a slight feeling of sadness made my stomach turn as I recall the events, pardon, the lack of them from this night. I started playing with my hands as something as pity overwhelmed me.

“Well-”, his deep baritone voice made me look at him. This time he was facing the painting in front of us which gave me the opportunity to survey him. Soft pink lips, sweet roundy nose, medium long light eyelashes. Skin in the color of bronze and a golden suit that make him look like a god. Aristocratic hands with long fingers, adorned with rings. The way he is holding the glass gives you the thoughts that a prince is sitting oppose you, “It is their lose.”, he states after locking his eyes with mine. And then I’m completely lost. They are just like the sad girls’ in the paintings – full of emotions. I see the same spark that leads directly to his soul. It captivates you. There is love, care, tenderness that make my heart skips a beat. But also you can spot something wild and intriguing. An abyss of feelings kept locked deep inside.

He took a sip of his champagne which caught my attention and made me break the eye contact. How could such a simple action as drinking makes me wanna grab the brushes and paint this gorgeous creature on the canvas?

“I can’t say I am complaining of that.”, I followed his movements and took a taste of my drink, “They seem like they are here only for talking. All of them are just chit-chatting and just at times spare a glance at the paintings. It – It just looks like a gathering of the rich and bitchy class.”, suddenly he burst into laughing. Oh that sound… It was like a soft melody for my years I could listen to all day. It was so infectious and addicting.

“What?”, I asked confused but with a smile plastered on my face.

“I couldn’t have said it more correctly. I’ve met everybody in the gallery and yet you are the only one contemplating the works.”

“Isn’t that what we are supposed to do on an exhibition? But apart from that, these paintings, these masterpieces…”, I took a breath like looking at the sad girl opposite me, “they are captivating. There is life in them, there is soul. Undoubtedly the artist is one of the best I’ve ever come across. Many have the ability to draw, few have the talent to create a masterpiece, something that makes you stop and think. And these here, they indeed convey more than a hundred words.”

“And where do you think that comes from?”, he asks me in that deep voice of his. I turn my attention back on him to see the man already looking at me with a stern expression showing nothing.

“The ability to make a painting live?”, he nodded his head in agreement, “Pain.”

“Pain?”

“Pain. It is always the pain. Why do you think the greatest artists are those who have suffered the most?  Sadness, sorrow, ache, agony… they are different than the other feelings. When something good happens to you, you are happy for a short moment. Usually those moments tends to be forgotten way easier than the moments that our soul was in pain. It is just that the affliction we bottle inside us ruins us in the end. The knots in our stomach, the suffocating feeling in our chest… they are tormenting us and we all need a way to express them somehow, to try to get them out of us. And the answer is always the art. It doesn’t matter whether it would be with a brush or a pen in our hands, if we are going to compose a poem, song or just draw something.  We just want the pain away. For its tight fist around our hearts to weaken, for its dark thoughts to leave us at peace at night, for the tears to stop rolling down and choke us.”, I paused in order to take a sip of my champagne, feeling his eyes following my movements, “That is one of the reasons why I like this one so much.”, I continued pointing at the work before us, “It look as if not only the model had been sad, but also the artist.”, when I turned around he had a sad smile on his face. For a moment I saw the abyss – full of sorrow and regret, pain and affliction.

“You can’t be more right.”, and once again, as he looked up, the door to his soul closed with that stern expression, “That is why I don’t know whether I like this work or not.”

“It recalls a bad event?”

“It recalls the day I painted her.”

My eyes were so wide that surely they were going to pop out of my head. I opened my mouth, then close it, then opened it again. I was so shocked that I could say nothing.

“I still remember how heartbroken she was.”

“You- you are the artist?”, my voice raised an octave higher and I cursed myself.

“Surprised?”, he asked smiling at my shocked expression.

“You just caught me off guard.”

And then the rest of the night kind of slips my mind. I don’t really know how long we’d been talking through various topics. Whatever felt like hours had only been half an hour once I saw the watch on my hand.

“Unfortunately, as a host, I need to make a speech. It was nice to meet you -”

“(Y/N)!”, answering I took his hand as he helped me get up from the settee.

“(Y/N).”, he said tasting my name and I could not miss the way his tongue rolled and the deep voice that sent shivers down my spine, “A beautiful name for a way more gorgeous girl.”

“Why are you trying to make my blush so hard?”, I asked trying to hide my face.

“I don’t know. I just like it.”, he shrugged with a smile, “Can I ask you something, (Y/N)?”, is it just me or he just lowered his voice on purpose while saying my name.

“O-Of course.”, out of nervousness I started playing with my own hands which only made his smirk grow bigger.

“Would you like to be my model, darling?”

[williamcheart]

- ̗̀ * ( bill skarsgard + cismale + he/him ) have you seen ( william ‘colt’ heart ii ) walking around campus ? they are a ( twenty-four ) year old, studying ( business + literature ). we hear they are in ( omicron tau xi ), and can be ( composed & detached ), maybe it’s because they are an ( aquarius ). they sort of remind us of ( chicken scratch handwriting, trembling hands, a coach’s whistle ), maybe we can find out more ! * ̖́- + literary magazine

u were all wondering whomstve the bill skarsgard fc reserve was . . . . it was I and i have no mcfuckin’ regrets. we love. and stan. william colton heart the second

tw. cancer, death, substance abuse, car accident, mental illness.

gen info!

full name: william colton heart ii

nickname(s): will to his family, colton/just colt to p much everybody else. his full name is reserved for family and when he’s in troubule tbh

b.o.d. - feb. 19th he an aquarius bby

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: tall but taller than benjy tall like we’re talking a whopping 6′4″ jfc

hometown: beaufort, south carolina !!

sexuality: b...i...?

bio info!

born n raised in beaufort, south carolina--william is the eldest heart sibling

was a really quiet kid, tbh, like he minded his business and stuck close to the people he knew

always, always wanted to impress his parents, so he always studied hard for school and kind of put all his focus into it ??

it was a pressure for him, really, bc he’d always been told that he’s gonna inherit the family business like how his dad did, etc. etc.

and like...sweetie never wants to disappoint anyone, ever.

he was never considered a nerd tho?? like he’s always been freakishly tall, and his quietness sort of made him intimidating to be around b/c it always felt like he was judging u bc he’d always have to look down at u

has always been super protective over his younger siblings, feels as if it’s his duty to be the put-together brother

he’s never had to fight anybody tho, and like, thank god for that b/c he’s definitely not a fighter, considers himself to be a pacifist for the most part

bc like...he can just stare u down and ur like uuuh gtg bye !!1!111!!!

anyways, grew up riding horses, finds it v v peaceful but he stopped when they moved to california

but track has always been his kinda thing regardless of where he’s at, tried out for track his freshmen yr of high school n was the star of the team tbh

he met a gal going by the name dinah during a track meet the middle of his freshmen yr

she was taking photos for the yearbook and stuttered over her words more often than not, even when she teased william

and like...tbh? william adored her immediately

it really wasn’t soon at all until they started dating, like, they were the high school couple

they complimented each other v v well and were prolly always together lbr

i’m hc’ing that his family also adored dinah like it’s law

dinah is the one who like...really encouraged him to pursue writing as something more serious than just for fun, because will had always enjoyed writing--esp poetry--but he didn’t want it to get in the way of his future w the stables ??

and like...fuck, they were so cute, guys. they were so mf cute.

dinah got diagnosed w/ lung cancer in the beginning of their junior year; she began online school halfway thru b/c she didn’t have the energy physically to go to class, went thru a looot of chemo

william was with her the entire time, y’know, if he wasn’t in school or at track he’d probably be with her the most, trying to cheer her up in the ways he could, helped her study for their SATs bc he knew it was rly important to her

by the summer she was in remission and they thought that was it--still super fucking careful, but they really genuinely thought that that was the end of it y’know ?? that she’d just be better ??

they got into a few months of senior year with her being healthy enough to go to school again, but the further time passed...dinah relapsed, rapidly, and the cancer had spread to other parts of her body

they spent their last valentine’s day in the hospital, and the next day she was gone

it...crushed william, just kind of changed his life, y’know? dinah was all he knew and he really didn’t know how to live w/o her

spent a lot of his time locked away in his room or never even home to begin with, just wandering about hopelessly or sleeping, or trying to sleep that is

poured his heart into his poetry, though--in dinah’s honor, he tried so mf hard to keep doing what he loved even though he was so hurt

it was because of his constant hard work, and dinah’s past encouragements, that william entered and won a poetry contest during his senior year. got a hella scholarship that made everybody proud of him, just b/c he was ~defying odds~

kinda put on this mask so that others wouldn’t see how bad he was doing ?? b/c he’s the level-headed brother, y’kno, the one who always had his shit together and knew what he was doing

dinah and william won cutest couple and even prom king n queen as a sort of tribute to dinah but will didn’t even go to prom tbh he got drunk and threw cans of beer off of a cliff

anyways, he graduated high school n attended ucla bc that was his dad’s school and gdi he’s tryn his best to follow in his footsteps

even got into his dad’s frat b/c he was that determined

he didn’t rly partake much in parties but he did indulge every once in a while, y’know, just to do it, was finally getting his shit back together and doing well for once y’know?? he joined track n took it p seriously

when angela heart died, all of that fell apart again

he took an entire year off of school b/c at that point his mental health had taken a really bad turn, depression was sort of controlling his life and he was spiraling so mf far down that he sometimes couldn’t recognize himself

during that time he published his first and second poetry book under w.c. heart; it’s super morbid, depressing, you can pretty much feel his depression as it manifests in the pages. it begins with poetry from his earlier years, of when he was with dinah and then afterwards, when she dies

the second poetry book is about healing, and then how sometimes you can fall back even when you’re doing good (i.e. around the time lil baby angel died)

when he finally did go back to school he had a much better mindset, seemed to be doing well--was one of the best on the track team--partied a little harder, did drugs more often than usual but nothing too extreme y’know ??

his junior year he got into a p bad car accident n derailed into a body of water after crashing his side of the car into another and losing control of his vehicle

like honestly thank god for the stranger who immediately stopped their car and went totally-hero on the situation, they got william out of the car before he could drown and essentially saved his life, before calling 911 and just. disappearing as soon as the sirens were audible

somehow his left leg got mc’fucked in the incident and it just so happened to ruin his track career

also gave william a fear of swimming/deep water + driving. like. he never wants to be in control of a car again. it really added onto his anxiety and was probably the root of his panic disorder tbh

he took another year off of school to recover from his injuries and to just fucking...put himself in some therapy, because he knows. when it’s time to take care of himself. is really still determined to b the best, he’s just trying to take his time now.

got addicted to painkillers b/c of the injury, sought them out after his prescription ran out; it varies between oxy, vicodin, n percocets and like...they mix really badly w/ his antidepressants tbh ??

that’s v v hush-hush bc he doesn’t want people to worry about him moreso than they already do after like...all these tragic mf events y’know.

he had moved out of his greek house to live on his own but after his second time coming back to ucla he moved back in b/c that way somebody could kick his ass if he fell down the rabbit hole again y’know

his antidepressant, lexapro, causes hallucinations and now he’s been seeing dinah everywhere, hearing her voice, etc. etc. he thinks he’s finally going insane and also keeps it v hush hush b/c he doesn’t want people to think he is

he looks worse for wear but he just. keeps on pretendin’.

personality!

he’s just ... really calm tbh?

he’s always been the (or one of the) least fussy child, hated starting conflicts

if anything he’s always been a mediator ?? the peacemaker, tries to resolve things before they get outta hand

he hates fighting, physical n verbal, refuses to partake in it

even when dinah n him would get into arguments he’d be really quiet during them

that being said he wasn’t like antisocial or anything just bc he was quiet y’know ??

he was the quiet cool dude who was always popular for some fucking reason (its the height im telling u) and offered rly good advice

he’s a big fucking softie lemme tell u . . . he cries at most movies tbh

v intelligent, still carries small dumbass energy b/c he doesn’t make the best choices as u can tell

v v good at his craft, has been working on his third poetry book but has a lil bit of writer’s block atm and it’s ? torturing him tbh ?

he’s got a sense of humor but it’s like . . . kind of morbid tbh like he deals w shit via locking up his emotions and using humor as a coping mechanism

he’s a sentimental piece of shit tho we love him. he has a bottle of dinah’s favorite perfume and sprays his bed w it before he goes to sleep

that being said he really...isn’t over her, still, y’know ??

he’s 100% sure that she was his soulmate and he doesn’t think she could ever be replaced

(silly boy u cant replace people ! u just. meet people who fit u in other ways.)

hates being babied b/c he’s the oldest goddammit, that’s his job

he has a lil bit of a limp but like . . . that’s just bc his leg hurty

did i mention he’s protective bc he 100% is like listen.

he can bully his siblings. u cannot. that’s the rule sorry

even when his siblings r bullying each other he like body-flops on top of them and is p much like fucking Stop

he’s in his last yr of college but he’s doing grad school right after b/c he rly. doesn’t wanna b a partner w his dad. he doesn’t wanna own the stables or breed horses. he’s troy bolton and writing is his singing, horsebreeding is his basketball.

okay he really wants to know who tf pulled him outta the water b/c he never got to say thank u and he’s just like ?? LET ME SAY THANK U GODDAMMIT

he’s lowkey in the party scene but he’s also a bit of a wallflower when it comes to them, he prefers to drink his alcohol n watch ppl b idiots or sit on a roof high off his ass with a pal

he’ll fuck u but he wont date u but like so will most of the guys so he’s not unique he’s just a hashtag tortured artist

like it’s so hard for him to connect w others in a potentially romantic way ?? bc he just doesn’t feel anything and u cant really blame him for it tbh

has panic attacks n insomnia but u aint hear it from me

ironically........has taken up smoking cigarettes, as well.......even tho his gf died from lung cancer.......will why?

oh right bc i commanded thee

wanted connections !!

WHO PULLED HIM OUTTA THAT MF CAR CRASH ?? - i wanna know mf !!

his siblings uwu - GIVE US THE LAST HEART. PLEASE.

roommate - !! they can b chill or hate each other tbh who knows

frat bros - please.

uuuh general friends i guess ??

will they wont they - they’re rly close but will is really dumb and straight refuses to acknowledge the fact that they’d b like . . . perfect together

general unrequited things - william is emotionally unavailable, lmao, let’s see how that works w others

current hookups - he’s a bit of a slut, let’s b real. we ain’t shaming him b/c we don’t do that in 2k19 but we also speaking truths

good influences - please...help him get better

confidantes - somebody he just can fuckin complain to w/o feeling shitty or guilty for it

bad influences - make him. worse. he’s doing bad but he’s not at his worst yet.

anything. else. u want. i will do. i can do. i am god. i have ultimate power. william is my pAWN.

[anniechulan]

3rd September 2020, 12:13pm 

After meeting and talking to all of these boys I realised something. I really, truly, genuinely, loved you. I really did. You had my whole heart in your hands. You affected me. And not a day will go by, that I will not apologise for it. I love hard, and I fall hard. I don’t regret a second of it. I cared about us and about you beyond words can describe. When you made me happy you made me reach levels of euphoria that were pure, intoxicating, addictive, and intense. And when you made me sad, I felt sadness in every part of my body, it took over my mind and my heart. I was sincere, invested, and truly, truly, in love. Why have I emphasised this to myself? Because relative to you, these boys mean very little to me. very little. Funnily enough, the more I meet people the more I realise how much I loved you. 

Now, what does all of this mean? Where does all of this take me?

In hindsight makes me see, the complete and utter pain I was in because of the heartbreak. It makes it clearer to me how terrible, and testing, and excruciating, that part of my life was. How naive I was walking into something I never could have prepared the hurt for. But what that means is, its different now. I am on the path to healing now. I am getting stronger every day. I am building my patience, and my cognitive discipline and resilience, every day. And i will never, ever, give up on myself. I owe myself that much.

The thought crosses my mind sometimes. to just call you. text you, reach out to you, see how you would respond. But i cant bear to do that to myself. No matter how much I miss you and want you. I cant do that to myself. No more. It will do me no good. It will just disappoint me again. I will hold onto my discipline, and goals, and expect more from myself. I will look forward instead of backwards, and keep people in my life who actually love, value and care for me, and who actually wants to be there. I will choose to invest in people that can offer me that love and growth and I will be so stingy with my love that i will deprive you of my time and effort, simply because you don’t deserve it, and they do. And I will be so loyal and loving to myself, that I would not have any space for people who cant offer me that, nor will I ask for it. I will respect myself. I will busy myself with thoughts and activities that will benefit me, and I will be kind and encouraging to myself when I am feeling low. I respect myself too much to want you in my life. My heart will just have to bear patience.

I pray that inshaaAllah, my love for you will run out. it hurts me, feeling it every day but not being able to be with you. I pray that inshaaAllah, I will get to a point of healing where I am satisfied with myself, and have made complete peace with taking on the full responsibility of healing, and feel ready to take on new love. I would like to be okay with unanswered questions and be okay with no explanations. I would like to stop rationalising and expecting perfect logic and answers from my past, and just be okay of the present.

I pray that one day I would have grown to a point where not only I know of my worth, but I truly truly believe in it.

I pray that inshaaAllah, my heart finds the courage to change. Allah knows how badly I would like to come home and live there with Him forever. I am on this path, and I am figuring it out as I go, and that is okay. i promise that I will try my best. even if that isnt perfect. and I will learn. I will grow. InshaaAllah.

[that-one-violist]

k we’re gonna be done with this shit after this post lmao

how do u stop blaming yourself for something that was completely out of your control how do you stop blaming yourself for something that logically is not of your cause how do you stop blaming yourself for trying to move on and trying to live your life and feeling more anger and numbness instead of nostalgia and holding memories how for something that fundamentally has changed how you see yourself as a person because your entire past is seen in a negative and different light if light at all because with all this self blame and regret and anger and disdain all there is to do is to destroy  and sabotage and harm because my personality and accomplishments cannot ever make up for all the pain that had to be gone through to make my life possible much less as logistically nice as it is. ill never be able to tell her im sorry and ill never be able to fix my wrongs and immature decisions seeking the instant gratification that a 7-18 year old craves when I knew that i was being lazy and causing infinite stress for everyone around me its been 320 days since i could have heard her laugh outside of a 20 second video that doesnt change the past and the reality is i was powerless but there had to be something i could have done to at the very least make her end days at least comfortable and not horrible.

and at this point i cant even discern if its the grief I distanced myself from to focus on school in september by drinking and being reckless and never really allowing myself to feel and it is now hitting because i am forced to face the day i turn 20 without a mother the first sunday of march only to then immediately face the last sunday of march which marks the 12 months that this world has been without her (its bitter that the day she brought me life and the day she lost hers will always be the same first and last weekday every march even though it means nothing it bothers me)

or if its just the self-harming behavior and addiction coming back in every way but the direct sh to avoid resetting the counter which i cant even be sure is even still going at this point

or if its just a horrible mix of both and im just not capable or strong enough to detach myself from it again

this here these posts this is the closest i feel like i can go to my own mental scape i always boast how “deeply” i feel and how “in-tune” i am with my mind but in retrospect i dont think ive been feeling much at all for the past year and a half, for absolutely no catalyst to be identified and discussed, only to now be feeling both completely flat and blank and empty and devoid while also feeling the brunt of every thought every emotion all of everything i thought i tossed away by distancing myself from me 

and posting on tumblr? i dont know. i dont fucking know why. i cant keep it in my head. i cant even keep it in the drafts just as i cant process and disect my thoughts if i write it down on a paper or in a memo app because then i feel like im just screaming into the void and at myself and so im sorry im genuinely sorry i dont know when i started using social shit as a vent option

-- ----this is going to be the last post of this shit for awhile i hope because i cant keep doing this in these massive posts i just this is a last ditch effort to just get everything out and reset and maybe mentally just detach again or just figure out how to copeor maybe wait long enough again and be okay for awhile ------ --

[simontams]

HEY NAT NAT BEN BEN WHAT ABOUT TORCHWOOD 🔥🔥🔥

I feel personally targeted. And I want that in writing.

Okay here goes nothing. *Rolls up sleeves*.

Warning: Will likely evolve into a long, in-depth, Torchwood analysis

Favourite Character:

I’m half asleep as it is and you go and encourage me to talk about Ianto Jones, who is not only my favourite character in this show, but probably overall.

The question is, can I pinpoint why?

Can I articulate how much this character genuinely means to me without just giving up and keyboard smashing at like 2am?

Okay, to start with, he’s not in the first two series an awful lot, however much I try to convince myself otherwise, but the development he does get is credit-worthy. And I think from the start, I was won over by his priceless expressions, sarcastic humour and sweet demeanour. Yet, throughout my numerous rewatches, the occasional bleaker episode, and low-key audio addiction, I’ve learned that there is more than meets the eye and maybe that's what makes him so interesting to me- All characters have more to them that originally assumed but there’s so many aspects to Ianto’s personality that slowly reveal themselves that you cant possibly know everything. You keep on learning and wondering about his past, his motivations, his true feelings- I’ve seen on countless occasions people labelling him as overrated and simply seen as that outside innocent coffee boy (sure, its the button on the top), but I think his clear popularity could be because a lot of people, dare I say, relate to him?

One of my favourite things about the Doctor Who universe especially and, in turn, Torchwood, is that it is real, it has real characters who have real emotions and real flaws, which shouldn't be excluded as they only add to their human degree of complexity- what would the series be without returning home to a concerned Jackie Tyler for a cup of tea every once in a while? without seeing characters reach behind that innate curiosity at the science-fiction and occasionally express fear at what is uncomfortable and unknown?

Doctor Who is not about aliens, it’s about people- and Ianto Jones is no exception. And in some ways, he can be the most human of them all- his excitement and confidence when he’s viewed as Jack’s boyfriend, his maintained calm exterior that he chooses to present to the world, his friendship with Tosh and the others, his weird habits and his humour, right up until his brutally heartfelt death scene.

 Ianto Jones is one of the only characters that I am sure will remain this close to my heart, and I constantly switch between connecting to him and marvelling at how much more there is to see. Not to be too deep or over-exaggerated, but under everybody's excitable obsessions with TV shows, bands, books- there's something that genuinely helped them learn more about themselves and grow as a person behind it, they represent a certain time in that individuals life and that has to be appreciated- in the same way, that can be said for my attraction to Torchwood as a whole and towards Ianto as a character.

Second Favourite Character:

Now that we’ve accepted me as a high-key, over-the-top teenaged fan, hence somehow continuing reading, let’s move on to the impossible choice of, who do I prefer more: Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper or Jack Harkness? (I’ll mention my  Gwen angst later).

Firstly Jack, will always, in my eyes, be one of the most deep and fascinating characters from what I’ve seen of the franchise as a whole- the contrast between the self-assured and flirtatious alien, the darker side of his immortality, and even the earlier con-man interpretation of his endlessly gripping character. Some of my favourite aspects of him in Torchwood are when we see him through his own outlived eyes; his loneliness or anger or even fragility, the latter being especially in regards to his relationship with Ianto and his over-arching knowledge that nothing lasts for him. And while he will always be one of my favourite characters in general, this one is a close call and I regret to view him as anything less than such- but I’m gonna have to go with Owen.

But first, let me appreciate Tosh- underestimated, brave, intelligent and affectionate Tosh, who is so close to Owen in terms of my tribute, it was near impossible to choose between the pair- in fact it still is and if asked this another time I would probably change my mind repeatedly. She tries so hard to gain approval and security, she's just genuinely lovable...and she did good.

I know Owen- apparently I’m having an Owen day- is disliked by the best of us in season 1, and some still after, I mean he is outwardly an arsehole, he's even aware of such, and the way he treats others including Tosh is inexcusable- but it’s season 2 where I genuinely fell in love with him, if not, mid-way through the first season after seeing the affects of Diane’s departure and his more sensitive self. Because like I said before- these human qualities, however negative, only add to him as a character.

When all the ‘dying drama’ goes down we realise how truly fragile he is, and in Fragments we see this to an even greater extent pre-torchwood: he's had a bad time of it, to say the least. And I will place him in second place after Ianto primarily due to this drastic turn and the realisation that he is such a prime example of ‘messed up and imperfect yet completely misunderstood’ and deep down, one of the most sensitive and caring of the lot.

I especially love when he begins to open up to Tosh and the numerous scenes in ‘a day in the death’ such as running into the bay or Ianto telling him to not let himself get beaten after all he has done, and that's also why that is one of my favourite episodes- I love this side of his character and how it contributes to him on the whole.

Character I’m Most Like:

God. Okay.

I honestly think this has to be the shortest reply yet. And for all the explanations worth, it has to be Ianto. Owen is angsty as hell, Tosh is kind and smart, Jack is tired, above everything and Gwen is adamant and sociable-

Ianto is humorous and loyal.

-Yet, somehow has the potential to be all of the other things too, and at times, has been. Which only furthers my previous point of him being relatable to most viewers at certain times throughout because of that.

Favourite Pair:

Now we’re talking.

There’s a word, a cursed, ancient term that’s been floating around the internet for a while now....: Janto.

Typical romance story, boy meets boy, boy is immortal alien, boy falls in love with welsh nerd who looks good in a waistcoat, the usual, yet...

Next, the heavy stuff :)

Ianto has so much love to give and he chooses to give it to Jack. His last serious relationship ended in tragedy and he finds himself in a casual fling with this, said immortal alien guy, who’s also...his mysterious boss. He appears genuinely happy and confident for the first time in a while and his utter joy will purify souls for many years to come.

But it’s not that simple, is it? It never has been. Because it gets serious and they can escape into their own connection outside of their work and all the other crap the team go through. They begin to understand each other on a deeper level despite their differences- and it’s fated to end in disaster:  Ianto’s death.

One of the most heart-breaking yet beautiful and bittersweet factors of the show is this relationship. The most traumatic realisations? moments when Ianto acknowledges his mortality compared to Jacks curse to out-live everybody he loves (The dead line and Day 4, I’m looking at you). Maybe it’s on Jacks behalf that the extent and importance of their bond get highlighted- He unwillingly falls for Ianto and he in no way wants to recognize the unwavering sincerity of what they have, or at least publically, hence his hesitance when Ianto is proud to be seen as a couple at the beginning of Children Of Earth, because he doesn’t want to see something so good end and hurt him, again.

Also, the fact that their relationship is so private? It’s got a significant part to play when prompting the importance of what they have. Jack is characteristically flirty and outgoing, yet he keeps his feelings for Ianto close and guarded-  because they mean that much to him. All of their intimate conversations- they're alone. It just develops and adds meaning and weight to their taboo ending.

That inevitably brings me onto the unspeakable death scene. I can wholeheartedly say that I have never witnessed such an emotional scene where a character has been killed off? It just, it gets to you? and I probably don't need to say that twice.

I don’t even know what it is, and I don’t care about the ‘he should never have been killed off’ or ‘he died for nothing’, god I want him to live as much as anybody, but they did choose to kill him off- and it was art.

The entirety of COE was, it was horrific and too close for comfort and one of the best pieces of television that I will ever have the pleasure to watch. Because it is raw and it’s soulful and it’s real and it breaks you- and god I wouldn’t want one of my favourite characters to go in any other way than something with this level of reputation and emotion.

The way Jack falls onto the floor next to Ianto, the ballad of Ianto Jones playing, the bigger picture of the theme of the series, them out of their comfort zone, beyond their control, influencing this, the government officials overlooking such an intimate moment, the way Jack tells them 'not him’ (that’s where I loose it, god I’m choked up just thinking about it), after Ianto tried to be the hero and stand next to Jack and help him confront the mistakes of his past- showing him that he's there for him when others doubt him, showing him that he can change and resolve it with him by his side, yet seeing that their efforts do not directly succeed? its not showing Ianto died with no final influence, its to show the extent of the bigger issue, it is out of their hands and that's why Children Of Earth is so, for want of a better word, scary- Gwen relating this degree of destruction to the absence of our established hero, The Doctor- terrifying.

How Jack wakes up and sees Ianto, how the audience see this character they've grown to love, dead, how defeated Jack looks with the knowledge that he will have to move on and can’t do anything about what had happened- it is seriously too much and can anybody who is that deeply connected to a scene, really hate on it for whatever reason?

God Jack blames himself, God Torchwood was the death of me-

you know I watched Children Of Earth over the evening of Christmas Eve and early Christmas morning? I watched Ianto Jones die on Christmas day 2015. Yeah.

Least Favourite Pair:

What the ever loving shit is Gwack.

(I like how you tiptoed around this Evie, and I just-)

Okay. I don't like Gwen. 

Now hear me out, I don't like her in the first and second series. She was a cheat and I accept this as part of her character, and Owens, but it doesn't mean I have to ignore or like it- she also treat the others like they didn't understand, like they couldn't feel and aren't affected by what they see like she is when they've been through so much more in terms of their background- she is rash and selfish and Rhys deserved better.

There I said it- however, it is party due to the writing, she had a lot of potential but she can’t be treated as such a ‘nice’ or relatable character and role model, as the person who enters this alien world for the audience to relate to when she gets away with these things. But I’ll hold my hands up and says she grows up a lot come COE and in the books and audios.

Despite my feelings about Gwen- she has still got a boyfriend either way. No offence, meh, ish, but there is nothing between her and Jack romantically- if anything she merely represents the normal life that Jack cant have. The many, many, uncomfortable scenes when she stares at Jack while kissing Rhys, the flirting with who she thought was him on her wedding day, the part where he's teaching her how to shoot, its just that, its awkward and there's nothing to it. Why voluntarily choose to treat her as this person who uses people and makes excuses for herself when you can emphasise and focus on her other truly good qualities like her bravery?

Why dig for something that isn't there, they have a great friendship, why simplify that? he mentors her and she has Rhys, he has Ianto, there's so much depth to that relationship as I've been through, why choose to overlook it?

But ‘don't like’ isn't as strong a word as ‘hate’, I just don't understand why somebody would make it this hard to view her as redeemable- I know she is flawed, like the others- I just find it harder avoid and grasp why people want to  further those parts of her and view it in a positive light and accept or ignore her cheating.

Gwen, I can hesitantly can get on board with, she is still part of the show I love, and while I can’t admit forgiving her I can say that her character, in turn, deserved better and while I acknowledge the problems she has, I appreciate her in COE, etc, because she does begin to develop and prove herself a bit more.

Nonetheless, I will never ‘get’ Jack and Gwen, it just doesn't rub me up the right way and seems pointless, it seems like ‘bait’ that some fans have fallen for and for me, it takes away so much of all of the characters involved and I’d rather view them for who they are rather than hinting at a negative version of who they could be.

And I'm sorry but Gwen and Owen are just bad for each other- they both deserve better than that.

Owen and Tosh? Beautiful and they should have gotten that date, they know each other so well and their death scene- why is this show so traumatic. But don't even get me started on that one-

‘Because you’re breaking my heart.’

Favourite Moment (s):

To be blunt:

Day 4- Ianto dies, yes really, #1, sorry...yeah..

Forehead Kiss, Forehead Kiss, Forehead Kiss, Forehead Kiss, (Janto, in Adam)

A Day In The Death- Owen underwater, also in top 3...

‘No, ‘cause the phones aren't working’,

Captain Jack Harkness- Jack & Jack Dance, close second

‘Who’s for Chinese?’ ft. actually eating it and having a nice time Tm

When, in fragments, Owen first enters the hub and he is talking to Jack about how he's going to try to save as many people as he can but it'll  never be enough

I’m not sure of the episode, likely ‘A Day In The Death’, but Tosh and Owen have a talk, wait was it ‘Dead Man Walking?’...yeah it was...

Broken, audio- Yeah, that- the car scene where their relationship truly begins and ‘stop the car’, ‘my coffee.’

‘Space Pig, Yeah?’

Fragments- ‘Jones. Ianto Jones’. ‘Captain Jack Harkness’

Does the John Barrowman ringtone blooper count? ;)

Not to approach the unapproachable, and it's not my favourite ‘cause that's like twisted but- ‘the Steven thing’ deserves a mention just for the fact that Jacks expression will haunt me forever

‘The world’s always ending, and I have missed that coat’

Did I mention the entirety of COE?

A Torchwood Captain and an ex-time agent walk into a bar...

Virus short story, ending and the part where Ianto goes rogue and badass

The goodbye in COE- should have ended there, it lost its weight

Consider this: In the shadows audio- Ianto, he just-

‘The Sin Eaters’ audio, cat falls through lift, that's all you need to know really, isn't it?

‘house of the dead’ when its all over and somebody approached jack and he answers them but then they go away and he- ‘goodbye Ianto’

‘Gwen....mine’s got a bell’, ‘Jack and Coffee’, ‘Lost Souls, audio

Honestly I've probably forgotten moments that I mention 24/7 but these are the ones that come to mind

I warned you that it was gonna be an uncharacteristically long one

Rating:

10/10...

Did you expect anything else after all of that? For all its imperfections, this show will always welcome me back with open arms, I’ve taken so much from it and it will remain my favourite show along with Doctor Who itself.

Funny Story: 5am

I told you Evie, I did.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

"I can do this all day."     4-28-19

"I shouldn’t be alive, unless it was for a reason, I know what I have to do, and I know it is right.” - Tony Stark a.k.a. Iron Man Same, Tony. I feel the same, exactly the same. I accidentally fell into a "fire" some 5 1/2 years ago. I realized that life was better with the warmth of that proverbial fire in my life and I have been fanning that flame ever since. How you feel love and how you feel gratitude are vitally important to this stage of the game, but not nearly as much as how you express that same love and that same gratitude. They are essential to maintaining the above-mentioned flame that has kept my place in this life and well inside of all its glory and awesomeness, and it has also been one without the dope. Living right, or doing good always, is absolutely key as well, at least it has been for me. It's the difference between just being alive, and actually living. Once you figure out what your recipe is, just keep doing those things to feed it. And I imagine, as it was for me, and many others before me, the recipe will probably change with time, like working the 12 steps in order (which, by the way, isn't a one-n-done, win all, way out of the life, because as I've said before, everyone is different. Steps work for some, not for all). But getting to the end of each step, and/or realizing the principles behind each step as you go, means your "recovery" as it were is different as you go. It's ever-changing, as you learn, you change. Essentially, you are your recovery process, regardless of how you learn, what order you learn, or from where, as long as you continue to grow with each realization of an important principle or life lesson. Acceptance, hope, honesty, courage, and integrity are just a few examples, and these few are completely necessary to learn and take in, and practice from the very beginning. I still don't believe that all people need to live "in recovery" their whole life either though. I believe I am recovered from my drug addiction. Period. If I go back to using ever again, it won't be because of an addiction, or withdrawals or any other relateable "recovery" mumbo jumbo. It will absolutely be because I made a conscious decision to use again. Very much similar to when I first started using way back when. Only this time I know things because I remember how it feels to live in that chaos and nightmare, and how it feels now being out of it so that wouldn't just be because of an unknown moral bankruptcy. It would be a well planned, and plain stupid-ass decision only owned by me, not in part with those outside influences that led me there before. I mean to say that, the responsibility wouldn't be shared, nor will it ever again should I decide to go back out there. That is all irrelevant, as I don't plan on stumbling in that direction again, so . . . Being recovered from drug addiction doesn't mean I am above being taught and growing further, with being of service to others at the peak of that. The push for kindness and the mission to help civilize will forever remain a part of that as well. The journey is more important than the destination anyway, and it would be pretty boring if we couldn't keep learning along the way. Living as best I can morally does play a huge part as well. It helps me to try and help those around me see the benefits of being civil to each other while cultivating that genuine kindness for others right in front of them.   Living my best life is probably the best example I can give someone of the rewards of following that recipe for a better life. You get so much more in your heart than you'll ever know what to do with. It's kind of why I continue to write in here, although I know I have lost several readers over the last several years. What I write is more for quality purposes than for the quantity of readers on the other side of this internet connection. If it is only ever for me, and maybe a handful of people the love should be more subjective that way anyway right? I am not opposed to the quantity mind you, so long as the quality of my message doesn't start to lack the depth I try for now. Back to the point here; there are no guarantees that you'll end up at the perfect job, living in the perfect house or any other number of material things, but you will surely feel like they are once you turn that perspective around in the right direction. I wouldn't change the direction my life is going for anything. I do still live with plenty of regrets though. The top of that list is wishing I had done better by my kids when they were younger. Then maybe a couple of them wouldn't have been, or wouldn't be, so far lost and/or ended up in prison etc. I will live with that for the rest of my life. I suppose it's my penance. I will deal with it, but without it eating my lunch every minute of every day and in such a way that I can't be productive and responsible by, and for my other loved ones, that is to include myself. Happiness can still be found in that madness. I know because I live in it. Well, I'm in the parking lot at work and its about time to punch in. I can't be late today either, because I'm leaving early to go see my oldest granddaughter and my niece, hopefully, win their soccer game. Lol A huge part of why I moved back here, is for these exact reasons. So I'm out for now.~ ~I am back, although it's still not Sunday yet. I imagine I will post this on Sunday,  but I am going to finish writing it today while I have free time. Its Saturday morning by the way. I am still so grateful to be working. I have also done a slight bit better at accepting the chaos that is my new job, as it comes at me. There are some good people there, and they are trying, not all, but some. And, it may not be what my professional opinion thinks it needs to be, but it is what it is. Not right, or my right (lol) vs the wrong ways to do all of it. It is, for the most part, just a different way of doing things that I am just unused to. Some of it I'll argue 'til the cows come home, and some of it is just because of the area. It doesn't much matter for me at this point, because at least I'm fencing. Who knows what the future holds? I will deal with the extremes as they come and take it all with a grain a of salt where I can. Where I can't, I won't. "Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say 'No, you move'." - Sharon Carter from Captain America Civil War I can only do all of these things, because of where I have made it to in my life. I think I wanted to write more on the how's and why's of when I first got my life together and maintaining it until now, but I think this entry turned a corner somewhere. That's ok too though. It's how this whole process works for me. I will add real quick that changing addictions, which maybe you shouldn't do, has helped me a little. The superhero movie genre is an integral part of my whole existence and it's an emotionally codependent connection that may be borderline unhealthy. lol But I definitely changed how and where I spend addiction money. There is a group of us who are going to see The Avengers Endgame movie tonight (Sunday) at 7 pm. It has a run time of 3 hours. It is the last chapter, last installment for this phase, or like the culmination finale that ends over a decade of the 22 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. To say that I am emotionally invested in the outcome of this movie is an understatement. It is one of the more important non-drug related things in my life nowadays, just under family #1, and career #2, I suppose. The superhero thing is also the one thing that I used to have/or still do have in common with all of my kids. It all holds a very special place in my heart, and for good reason. Look, we can disagree about the kind of person Donald Trump is (he is an assclown by the way), and we can disagree about religion (which is fake and god, as a being, isn't real), and we can still talk, debate, and truly act as adults the whole time, but. . . if you mock these movies, or anything about them, because of their place in my heart and with their connection to my kids, then we can fight. And not just argue. I may literally fight you. One good, wholesome, fat punch right in your mouth should satisfy the feeling for me. lol Now you may be able to whoop me, maybe, but that's a risk I'm willing to take if you talk shit on these movies. And of course, I am only teasing, but these movies are an important part of my life. Some people have hunting, fishing, crafts, cars, or some other hobby, etc. Well, this is mine. I cant hardly contain the feelings, and the anxiety I am having as I await this movie. We are going to see it at the B & B Theater in Liberty, on the GrandScreen X, which is like Imax, but better, and bigger too I think. Its like 3 stories tall, 7 stories wide and the edges fold around the corners of each wall. It's going to be so freaking awesome. I can't hardly stand it. I know that we are supposed to lose some of our heroes in this film, like they are going to die (permanently), and being as emotionally invested as I am in these movies, and their roles are going to be super hard on me. I think co-dependency is probably the best way to describe my relationships with these characters. But hey, at least I'm not on drugs, so there's that! lolol That is all for this week guys. Keep my emotional stability in your positive thoughts as I go see this finale of a movie. Keep sharing the love and the laughter with the world around you, and please, please be kind to one another. It may be the most important thing you ever have to do. Kindness should always prevail, but when in doubt, civility will work. We can learn the very best of life's lessons if we practice what these heroes preach all the time. I believe that with my whole heart. I could quote Steve Rogers right next to Fred Rogers in my entries forever and it would never get old! Reading this final quote always gives me goosebumps. Yes. It's that important. Until next week; "Then finish it, 'cause I'm with you 'till the end of the line " - Steve Rogers a.k.a. Captain America

[palace-of-freedom]

I'm drained.

I want everyone to leave me alone, but i want them to care and ask me how i am. I want people around, but I also want to cry and i cant cry around people- i hate doing it. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

The one thing that was keeping me going was just get through life till april. that was it. Then it became May. Now I'm waiting till July for my friends to come back. and then within 2 months, they all leave. And this year is gonna be much much much harder to get through and I dont know if I'm strong enough to handle it. I dont think I am, but its not like I have much of a choice. Anyway now I'm just telling myself to make it through till september 2020. But that's waaaay too far away. I dont have that kind of strength or patience.

i dont want to be here. I dont want to be anywhere. I dont want to be abandoned. I dont want to have to deal with people leaving. I just want to be happy, but the only happiness I can get is induced happiness. Happiness from alcohol or sugar, excercise or music. I literally cannot cope right now. I can't feel anything but all consuming sadness. I want to scratch my skin off. I want to bite my lips off. I want to rip my head off. The latter will at least solve some of my problems. I want to *poof* into thin air and thats it...be done with everything.

Too much is changing and I cant deal with it. I dont know where even to begin. I think a good starting point is when i had to break up with my boyfriend of two years. That shattered me. Going through the breakup and hearing the words he said to me - it ruined me. It broke my confidence. It took away all my self worth. I saw myself as a selfish, worthless, useless bitch. I tried to be nice to everyone to compensate for that side of me - the bad side. I tried to be there for everyone. I wanted to be the nice, sweet person I used to be, but it was difficult to even muster up a smile. It was tough to be as observant as I was. I became lost in the negative thoughts so I tried looking for only positivity in the world. Through most of my 13th grade, the only feeling I remember having is being drained. My only clear memories are crying in school washrooms. The good memories are still there, but they're vague. I remember sitting outside school with some of my best friends and just talking for half an hour at least, every single day. I remember going for movies. I remember going to the park. I remember walking around the school and drinking lemonade with my best friend during break. But for the life of me, I can't remember what conversations we used to have (good ones). I can tell you all the bad though. I can tell you about everyone's drama. I can tell you about the fights I had with my best friend. I can tell you about every single bad grade I got. I can tell you about my very stupid crush on a guy who wasnt good for me and all the consequences it had on my mental health.

Actually lets delve into this crush. So i liked this guy for six months on and off, just a few months after my break up and that left me feeling like I had no worth or value. And over that, my ex used to keep messaging every few days telling me how selfish i was, how i fucked up his life, how everything was my fault, how i was too sensitive and how the two years he spent with me were just completely worthless to him. This new guy, was the complete opposite. Where all others invalidated me or told me I wasnt capable of anything, he told me I had skill and talent. That I would make it in a career I was doubtful of choosing. He made me feel better about myself. He was very positive and optimistic and being around that gave me that happiness I lost after my break up. He was easy to talk to. He genuinely listened to me. He opened up to me quite a lot. It made me feel validated. Accepted. Cared about. Something that was lacking from most others. So we began talking a lot. Whatsapp conversations, Skype calls, phone conversations..it was endless and it was addictive. It felt good. It felt like a high. The sad thing about highs is that the higher you go, the lower you fall. There's no helping it. I crashed flat on the earth once that high faded away, and there wasnt even a relationship. it was more of a teenage, childish crush that everyone, but me, could see end in disaster. In fact I think I was called a stupid idiot at least a 1000 times for even thinking about the guy that way. What went wrong was he couldn't see me that way, and he had a crush on two other girls during that same time. And on the night of my birthray, he sent me these really long paragraphs about how he was sorry that he couldn't feel anything for me, but that me liking him gave him a big confidence boost.

That summer i moved on from him, but it cracked another piece of me. I redeveloped feelings for my ex, who i hadnt seen in a year, apart from stalking him, and i chased happiness by stalking him on instagram. It gave me satisfaction to see he was happy, but it also made me jealous. The problem was all of this stalking was done through my best friend's account and he wasnt happy. He yelled at me for stalking and said some other stuff that I dont remember, and then went on to ignore me for 3 days because of that. A month later another very good friend decided she had it with me and walked out of my life as well. she believed I was too biased and that we couldnt be friends anymore because I fucked up. Again. I dont regret it...but i dislike losing people, but somehow its just become a thing. Everyone leaves. I fuck up. All people fuck up, but I think my fuck ups are bigger than most. The consequences are more drastic.

despite losing so many people that summer and the amount of arguments I had to go through, it was still the best summer of my life, because the friends that did stick around made it worthwhile. They made life fun. I felt happy. Thats when i realized that I dont need any of the people who walked out to keep me happy. I needed the ones who stuck around. The new friends. The people i vibed with better. People who actually listened to what I had to say and valued my thought process. We had fun and I was growing up, driving, cooking and it felt nice.

But then I had to go to India, and it was a major setback. All the growth was down the drain. More arguments came behind me. More fights. More detachment from people I cared about. and some death. I fell into a bad slump. It lasted throughout my first year of university and got better only when my friends came back from abroad and the fun hangouts started again.

I spent the entire first year of university only arguing with my closest friends from school. There were lots of tears, lots of emotions...and a conditioned thought - everybody leaves. My best friend of 15 years couldn't stay in my life so why should anyone else? It comes down to me - I'm that bad a human being. I'm that intelorable. My value in another person's life is that little.

My fear of abandonment has always been bad. But now its almost unmanageable because its mixed with a lot of insecurity. so now I want to push people away. I want to hurt them. I want to distance from everyone. And if I feel like a shitty human being on the inside, I may as well act like one on the outside. At least it'll hurt less when everyone walks away, because people have time limits and expiry dates. But at the same time, I dont want to hurt anyone. so now im just worming to kill all my expectations, stop asking or demanding anything from anyone - then at least the pain of it all decreases. maybe then at least, receiving bad news from a friend, or having a friend annoyed at me, or finding out people are going abroad, wont feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. it'll just feel like a punch. And you can live through punches. It hurts for a few minutes and then its all ok. you heal. You find an escape, and right now, im plotting mine.

[apsbicepstraining]

Why do we feel so guilty all the time?

The long speak: Food, fornication, fund, operate, house, sidekicks, health, politics: theres good-for-nothing we cant feel guilty about, including our own sensations of guilt

I feel guilty about everything. Already today I’ve detected guilty to the charges having said the wrong stuff to a sidekick. Then I experienced guilty to the charges evading that pal because of the incorrect event I’d said. Plus, I haven’t called my mother yet today: guilty. And I truly should have organised something special for my husband’s birthday: guilty. I made the wrong kind of meat to my child: guilty. I’ve been cutting corners at work lately: guilty. I skipped breakfast: guilty. I snacked instead: double guilty. I’m taking up all this infinite in a world-wide with not enough space in it: guilty, guilty, guilty.

Nor am I feeling good about seeming bad. Not when sophisticated pals never fail to remind me how self-involved, self-aggrandising, politically conservative and morally stunted the guilty are. Poor me. Guilty about guilty. Filial shame, fraternal regret, spousal remorse, maternal remorse, peer shame, duty guilt, middle-class regret, white-hot shame, radical shame, historic shame, Jewish remorse: I’m guilty of them all.

Thankfully, there are those who say they can save us from remorse. Harmonizing to the popular motivational speaker Denise Duffield-Thomas, scribe of Get Rich, Lucky Bitch !, shame is” one of the more common thoughts women accept “. Guilty wives, pulled by guilt into hampering their own tracks to increased property, influence, cachet and joy, merely can’t seem to take advantage of their advantages.

” You might feel guilty ,” Duffield-Thomas writes,” for wanting more, or for spending money on yourself, or for taking time out of your busy family life to work on improving yourself. You might feel guilty that other beings are good, that your friend is anxious, that there is still starving people in the world .” Sure enough, I do feel guilty for those concepts. So, it is something of a relief to hear that I can be helped- that I can be self-helped. But, for that to happen, what I must first understand is that a) I’m worth it, and b) none of these structures of world inequality, predicated on historic sins, are my fault.

My guilt, in other words, is a sign not of my guilt but of my innocence – even my victimhood. It’s only by forgiving myself for the wrongs for which I produce no direct responsibility that I can discover to secrete my” fund blockings and live a first-class life”, according to Duffield-Thomas.

Imagine that: a first-class life. This sort of advice, which frames guilt as our most fundamentally impeding emotion, takes revelations from psychoanalytic and feminist thinking and transforms them into the language of business motive. The promise is that our remorse is also possible expiated by making money.

It’s an idea that might resonate especially in the German speech, where shame and indebtednes are the same word, schuld . One recollects, for example, of Max Weber’s thesis about how the” feeling of capitalism” conflates our worldly and heavenly riches, on the basis that what you make in this world-wide too dishes as a measure of your spiritual goodnes, since it depends on your capacity for hard work, discipline and self-denial.

But what Weber calls” salvation nervousnes” within the Protestant work ethic has the opposite result to the self-help manual’s promise to liberate entrepreneurs from their remorse. For Weber, in fact, the capitalist chase of profit does not increase one’s shame, but actively exasperates it- for, in an economy that reproves stagnation, there can be no rest for the wicked.

So, the shame that bricks and inhibits us also propel us to labor, undertaking, operate, to grow relentlessly productive in the hope that we might- by our good works- rid ourselves of regret. Guilt thus yields us productive and unproductive, workaholic and workphobic- a conflict that might explain the extreme and even violent sections to which beings sometimes will go, whether by scapegoating others or sacrificing themselves, to be rid of what many beings consider the most insufferable emotion.

What is the potency of regret? With its inflationary logic, guilt examines, if anything, to have accumulated over meter. Although we tend to blame religion for condemning gentleman to life as a sinner, the guilt that are able to once have attached to specific weakness- frailties for which religious communities could prescribe appropriate atonement- now seems, in a more secular epoch, to surface in relation to just about anything: nutrient, sex, coin, cultivate, unemployment, vacation, health, fitness, politics, lineage, acquaintances, colleagues, strangers, presentation, traveling, the environmental issues, you call it.

Equally, whoever has been tempted to suppose that rituals of public humiliation are a macabre remnant of the medieval past clearly hasn’t been much attention to our life online. You can’t expect to get by for long on social media without someone pointing an accusatory thumb at you. Yet it’s hard to be thought that the presiding feel of our age, the envious and indignant troll, would have such easy pickings if he could not already feel a smell of guilt-susceptibility emanating from his prey.

It wasn’t meant to be like this. The enormous reformers of modernity are presumed to uproot our regret. The theme of countless high-minded criticisms, shame was accused by modern intellectuals of exhausting “peoples lives” out of the americans and inducing our psychological impairment. It was said to stir us strong( Nietzsche ), neurotic( Freud ), inauthentic( Sartre ).

In the latter part of the 20 th century, many critical conjectures gained academic credibility, particularly within the humanities. These were beliefs that sought to show- whether with reference to class relations, race relations, gender relations- how “were all” cogs in a larger system of supremacy. We may play our roles in regimen of oppression, but we are also at the blessing of obliges larger than us.

But this raises questions about personal responsibility: if it’s true that our particular situation is underpinned by a complex network of social and economic relations, how can any individual genuinely claim to be in control or solely responsible for her own life? Considered in such an impersonal illuminate, shame can seem an unhelpful hangover from less self-aware times.

As a teacher of critical hypothesi, I know how crucial and revelatory its insights is also possible. But I’ve rarely likewise suspected that our desire for systematic and structural forms of explain may be fuelled by our feeling at the prospect of discovering we’re on the wrong side of history.When held indelicately, explanatory conjectures can offer their adherents a foolproof system for knowing exactly what scene to deem, with impunity, about pretty much everything- as if one could take out an insurance policy to be sure of ever being right. Often, very, that’s as far as such criticism takes you- into a right-thinking that doesn’t necessarily organise itself into right-acting.

The notion that our scholastic frameworks might be as much a reaction to our guilt as a remedy for it might chime familiar to a religious person. In the biblical narrative, after all, man “falls” when he’s seduced by return from the tree of lore. It’s “knowledge” that extends him out of the Garden of eden into an exile that has yet to extremity. His shame is a constant, nagging remember that he has taken this wrong turn.

Illustration: A Richard Allen

Yet even within that source we see how man’s remorse can be misleading- as slippery and seductive as the serpent who led him astray. For if follower has sinned by tasting of lore, the shame that penalise him recite his misdemeanour: with all its finger-wagging and tenor of” I told you so”, regret itself is just coming up as exceptionally knowing. It keeps us, as the psychoanalyst Adam Phillips has written, in thrall to that digesting and repetition tone inside our foreman that endlessly chastens, criticises, censors, reviewers and learns blame with us, but” never delivers us any bulletin about ourselves “. In our impressions of shame, we seem already to have the measure of who it is we are and what it is we’re capable of.

Could that be the same reasons for our remorse? Not our absence of knowledge- but preferably our presumption of it? Our frantic need to be sure of ourselves, even when which is something we think about ourselves is that we’re worthless, unproductive, the pits? When we feel guilty we at least have the consolation of being certain of something- of knowing, lastly, the right way to seem, which is bad.

This may be why we’re addicted to crime dramas: they are consistent with our wish for certainty , no matter how grisly that certainty is. At the opening up of a detective legend, we’re conscious of international crimes, but we don’t know who did it. By the end of the story, it has been discovered which culprit is guilty: instance closed. Thus guilt, in its popular rendering, is what alters our ignorance into knowledge.

For a psychoanalyst, nonetheless, thinks of regret don’t inevitably have any connection to being guilty in the eyes of the law.Our love of regret may be a revelation, but they usually precede the accusation of any misdemeanour- a detailed description of which not even the guilty person can be sure.

So, while the fibs we favor may be the ones that uncover guilt, it’s equally possible that our own shame is a cover story for something else.

Although” the descent” is initially a biblical legend, forget religion for a moment. One can just as well narrate a more recent and assuredly secular tale of the fall of man. It’s a “story” that has had innumerable narrators, perhaps none finer or more insistent than the German Jewish postwar critic Theodor Adorno. Writing in the wake of the Holocaust, Adorno debated famously that whoever exists in a nature that could grow Auschwitz is guilty, at least insofar as they’re still party to the same civilisation that established the requirements of the Auschwitz.

In other words, guilt is our unassailable historical ailment. It’s our contract as modern beings. As such, says Adorno, we all have a common responsibility after Auschwitz to be vigilant, lest we collapse once more into the ways of gues, accepting and reacting that fetched down this guilty verdict upon us. To make sense after Auschwitz is to risk complicity with its barbarism.

For Adorno very, then, our knowledge interprets us guilty, rather than hindering us safe. For a modern imagination, this could well seem stunning. That said, perhaps the more surprising boast of Adorno’s representation of guilt is the idea expressed in his doubt” whether after Auschwitz you can go on living- especially whether one who escaped by collision, one who by rights should have been killed, may go on living. His mere existence calls for the coldness, fundamental principles of bourgeois subjectivity, without which there could have been no Auschwitz; this is the drastic regret of him who was spared “.

For Adorno, the regret of Auschwitz belongs to all of western civilisation, but it’s a shame he presupposed would be experienced most keenly by” one who escaped by accident, one who by rights should have been killed”- the Jewish survivor of the second world war.

Adorno, who had left Europe for New York in early 1938, was perhaps attesting to his own appreciation of guilt. Yet his insight is one we likewise get from psychologists who worked with concentration camp survivors after the crusade; they found that” senses of guilt is complemented by disgrace, self-condemnatory propensities and self-accusations are experienced by the victims of the abuse and apparently much less( if at all) by the perpetrators of it “.

What can it mean if preys feel guilty and perpetrators are guilt-free? Are objective regret( being guilty) and subjective regret( detecting guilty) totally at odds with one another?

In the years after the crusade, the concept of “survival guilt” tended to be viewed as the byproduct of the victim’s discovery with their assailant. The survivor who may subsequently is very hard to forgive herself because others have died in her home – why am I still there when they are not?- may also feel guilty because of what she was forced to collude with for the sake of her existence. This need not suggest any incriminating war on her place; her regret may simply be an subconscious route of registering her past preference that others accept instead of her.

On this basis, then, it may be possible to think of survivor’s regret as a special case of the regret we all accept when, aware or oblivious, we’re glad when others, rather than ourselves, sustain. Plainly, that’s not a charming suffer, but neither is it a hard one to understand. Still, there remains something deep awkward about accepting that survivors of the worst transgressions should feel any regret for their own survival. Instead, shouldn’t we be trying to save the survivor from her( in our view) mistaken sensations of remorse andthus launch, without smirch or quibble, her absolute innocence?

This understandable impulse, according to the academic historian Ruth Leys, looked the above figures of” the survivor” emerge in the period after the second largest world war, alongside a shift in focus from the victim’s feelings of remorse toward an insisting on the victim’s innocence. This translation, Leys indicates, involved superseding the concept of guilt with its open cousins, shame.

The difference is crucial. The prey who detects guilt undoubtedly has an inner life, with planneds and desires- while the main victims who detects shame seems to have had it bestowed to areas outside. The victims of damage therefore turns out to be the objects rather than the issue of history.

Shame, then, tells us something about what one is , not what one does- or would like to do. And so the effect of this well-intentioned shifting in emphasis may have been to cheats the survivor of agency.

It may be inviting is of the view that survival guilt is an extraordinary case, having regard to the abject powerlessness of the victims of these damage. But, as we will see, attempts to disclaim the validity of the regret of others often have the similar the consequences of denying their purposes as well. Mull the case of vehicles of” radical remorse”, the guilt we all love to hate.

Liberal guilt has become a shorthand for describing the individuals who look keenly a lack of social, political and economic right, but are not the ones who suffer the brunt of it. Harmonizing to the cultural pundit Julie Ellison, it first took hold in the US in the 1990 s, on the back of a post-cold-war fragmentation of the left, and a loss of religion in the utopian politics of collective action that had characterised an earlier generation of revolutionaries. The liberal who detect guilty has given up on the collective and recognises herself to be acting out of self-interest. Her guilt is thus a sign of the gap between what she feels for the other’s suffering and what she will do actively to facilitate it- which is not, it is about to change, a great deal.

As such, her remorse foments much enmity in others , not least in members of the public who detects himself the object of the liberal’s shame. This person, AKA ” the main victims”, understands only too well how seldom the sadnes he derives in the guilty liberal is likely to lead to any significant structural or the political developments for him.

Rather, the only “power” to be redirected his mode is not political capability, but the moral or affective superpower to attain those more fortunate than he is find even more guilty about the privileges they are nonetheless not inclined to give up.

But just how in control of her beliefs is the guilty liberal? Not exceedingly, thoughts Ellison. Since moods aren’t readily confected, her guilt is often used to assail her unbidden, rendering her highly performative, egotist, even hysterical. In her shame, she experiences a” loss of dominate”, although she remains awareness at all epoches of an audience, before whom she seems she must show how spectacularly sorry she is. Her regret, then, is her room of “acting out”, celebrating a agitation in the radical who doesn’t know herself quite as well as her guilt would have her think.

The idea of guilt as aninhibiting emotion shows the common commentary of radical regret: that, for all the suffering it induces, it fails wholly to motivate the guilty subject to bring about meaningful political change.

But what if the liberal’s regret actually has another purpose, to tolerate the radical respite from the thing she may( unconsciously) seem as bad about: the lack of a established identity that tells her who she is, what her responsibilities are and where these come to an end.

If anything can be said to characterise the notoriously woolly radical, guilt may be it. Liberal regret suggests a certain class( middle ), hasten( lily-white) and geopolitical( developed countries) place. As such, despite the anguish it brings to those who suffer it, it might, paradoxically( and, again, unconsciously ), be reassuring for someone whose real neurosis is that she seems her identity is so mobile and altering that she knows how never fairly be sure where she stands.

If this is what principally regards her, then one might see her remorse as a feeling that tells her who she is, by virtue of telling her who she is failing to be for others. Who is the radical? She who suffers on account of those who suffer more than she.( I know whereof I express .)

This may be mentioned why, in recent years, the committee had been organizing disapproval of the liberal’s sensibilities. To her pundits, the radical really is guilty. She’s guilty of a) secretly resenting martyrs for how their suffers clear her suffer, b) drawing attention away from them and back towards her, c) having the bravery to make an exhibition out of her self-lacerations and d) doing practically good-for-nothing to challenge the status quo.

For reviewers of the guilty radical, in other words, appearing guilty is part of their own problems, rather than the solution. And hitherto this disapproval is itself subject to the same accusation. Passed that criticising someone for appearing guilty is exclusively going to represent them find guiltier, guilt has, as we’ve seen, supported a tricky resist- one that its various modern fightings have yet to defeat.

Once again, hence, in the event of its liberal remorse, we encounter a appear so devilishly slick that it recites their own problems in the course of professing it. Because there is, of course, a species of guilt that does not induce us to act, but prevent us from acting. This type of guilt takes the uncertainty of our relations with others( and our responsibility for others) and shifts them into an object of certainty and knowledge.

But since the “object” in this case is our own soul, we can see how liberal shame, extremely, mutates guilt into a version of shame.Shame, in fact, could well be a more precise appellation for what motivates the guilty liberal in her public and private self-condemnations.

However, before we declare the radical” guilty as charged”- as in guilty of the incorrect various kinds of guilt – it’s worth reminding ourselves of the survival guilt that has likewise been viewed by numerous as shame of the wrong manner. For as we observed in that case, in seeking to “save” the main victims from her remorse, the main victims becomes deprived of the very thing that is likely to discriminate her from the objectifying aggression that has assailed her: a sense of her own planneds and desires, nonetheless vigorous, perverse or frustrated these might be.

For this reason, then, it’s vital to preserve the notion of survivor’s shame( and, despite obvious changes, radical guilt) as that who were able to hitherto return to the survivor( or the liberal) a dominance of agency such as must be absolutely necessary if she is to have a future that isn’t fixed, by the resolving or absolving of her guilt, to reproduce the past ad infinitum.

If religion often gets the accuse for framing follower as sinner, the secular great efforts to release serviceman from his regret hasn’t offered much relief. The Italian philosopher Giorgio Agamben been shown that subjective innocence belongs to a bygone age, the age of the sad hero. Oedipus, for example, is someone whose objective remorse( parricide, incest) is matched by the subjective innocence of the man who acts before he knows. Today, however, says Agamben, we find the opposing statu: modern human is objectively innocent( for he has not, like Oedipus, slaughtered with his own hands ), but subjectively guilty( he knows that his solaces and insurances have been paid for by someone, somewhere, probably in blood ).

By falsely predicting a tabula rasa bound to his historical and intellectual liberation, modernity may not only have failed to obliterate man’s subjective guilt, but may even have exacerbated it. For what numerous a modern serviceman are punishable by is less his actions than his addiction to a form of lore that seems to have inhibited his capacity for action. As such, the religion assignation of person as sinner- a crash, abject, endlessly compromised, but also active, effective and changeable man- begins to look comforting by comparison.

Such a look also shares often in common with any particular psychoanalytic perception of regret as a blocked pattern of invasion or anger toward those we need and enjoy( God, parents, guards, whomever we depend on for our own survival ). But if guilt is the feeling that typically impedes all other( interred, quashed, unconscious) sensations, that is not in itself a reason to obstruct detects of shame. Seems, after all, are what you must be prepared to feel if they are to move you, or if you are to feel something else.

Main instance by A Richard Allen

Adapted from Appearing Jewish( A Book for Just About Anyone) by Devorah Baum, which will be published by Yale University Press on 19 October at PS18. 99. To buy it for PS16. 15, going to see bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p& p over PS10, online orders only. Telephone orderings min p& p of PS1. 99.

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[alycat411]

Apparently in 2010 I was on top of things

“I read a great book this evening, titled "Be Honest- You're Not That Into Him Either.” by Ian Kerner. Before I bore you, let it be known I’m doing this for you...I already read the book. I already have many friends asking to borrow the book. Throughout my reading I highlighted many things I will post in this note. I obviously resonated with the book's topic, so if you are a female out there and fed up, caught up, or anything else in between regarding sex, dating, and love perhaps you should read on... posted randomly: What is the point of casual sex if the sex part isn’t any good? Similarly, what is the point of dating someone if he's not making you feel great? But despite your intelligence, you’ve begun to operate on his terms. And who can blame you? Go on enough bad dates and your hopes of finding love are sure to diminish. You start making adjustments, taking a realistic and pragmatic approach. You begin to settle. You know that frogs don’t turn into princes, so you lower your standards enough until it gets difficult to tell the two apart. Whether out of good old-fashioned horniness, social pressure (combined with the perception that there are no good men left), or simply the dismal disappointments you continually face, you've lowered your standards.....the truth is you were never really that into him in the first place....he wasn’t that great to begin with but he was better than nothing....or was he? Why are you dating these guys? "I feel like I should be dating but there aren’t that many great choices out there. And I guess I’m caught in something I cant get out of...And you know because I like to sleep with men." Girl meets less than stellar guy. Girl sleeps with less than stellar guy, and soon enough, girl is dating less than stellar guy. Repeat. You know the drill. you’re living it. The first step is realization that you’re just not that into him. "It sounds like a cliché, but I have needs as well. I get horny and I need to deal with it. And even when I know its not the perfect situation, I sleep with guys I know I’m not into. Is it love? No. But at least its another body." Sometimes you’re just feeling lonely. Can sex help you get over someone else? Perhaps, though it can also make things worse. Can casual sex be a positive thing while you are waiting around for the love of your life to appear? Sure, as long as the casual sex is not keeping you from finding him or leaving you to confuse the in-betweener for the real thing. You were never that into him either, but the sex made you think you were. "I can sleep with a great-looking moron who can barely spell, and be aware of what I’m doing, but a day or so later I’m beginning to fantasize about picking put china patterns with the guy. Its crazy but it happens every time I sleep with someone." Make sure its a fair bargain. If you are a woman and you go looking for casual sex, you’re going to find it. And if you’re having sex with a guy you know you’re not that into, make sure you’re getting something out of it. Youre not that into him either, but you thought you could have sex like a man. Perhaps the sex you’re having is not that great. Or perhaps you find yourself getting emotionally involved even when you’ve convinced yourself and the guy you’re with that its meant to be light and casual. Rare is the man who can enjoy sex without orgasm or even separate the two. We humans don’t require all that much to begin to believe that another person cares about us or finds us special. Even women who go into a situation fully aware that there is no commitment, that its just “no strings attached” sex, may come out on the other side with genuine feelings for the guy. You just might not be capable of “dumbing down” sex. Hooking up can be a form of settling. Its like getting junk food on the run when you’re really hungry. For the moment, its satisfying, but it generally leaves you promising yourself “never again.” Its your call. The more casual the situation the less likely you’ll achieve orgasm or any emotional state of happiness. If you feel any anger or regret after a sexual encounter, listen to it. “ Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.” What he does or doesn’t do (in the bedroom) is sometimes an expression of how he feels. He might be avoiding certain acts because he doesn’t associate you with that level of intimacy. “Never take a part-time job because it will become your full-time life” in other words don’t date idiots for the moment. “When you’re alone you don’t feel as attractive, because there’s no guy telling you how hot you are. You become dependent on that voice, and you develop a boyfriend imperative: You need to have one at all costs. Even if he’s completely wrong, its better than being alone.” Playboy was created for the male gaze. And magazines like Cosmo are created for women who view themselves through the male gaze. This leads many women to a crisis in confidence, whereby their value is based on the judgment of all men, echoed by the man they happen to be dating (or fucking). If they are not dating anybody, the problem intensifies….without that single male affirmation, they feel they have no value at all. Sometimes women date or have casual sex just to get that instant ego boost… Youre not that into him, but there are no good men left. If we men are falling short of your reasonable expectations, why should you validate our inadequate behavior by “settling”? “I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself, and I feel like I deserve somebody who has done the same and who, frankly is worth my energy.” Insanity can be defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Are you doing that? Settling for some guy you’re not that into because you think all the goods are taken (or never existed to begin with) is a little bit like accepting defeat before the game is over. Its like going back to that same awful restaurant time and again when there are plenty of better options just around the corner. There are decent men out there who want the same things you do. And in the end, it only takes one. So stop paying premium prices for poor quality and take a look at what else is around you. And if you don’t like what you find for the time being, there’s nothing wrong with cooking for one. Have some faith in your ability to attract someone you actually like. Youre not that into him, but you needed him to be into you …Or perhaps you didn’t even think about him until he didn’t call you and he said he would. But is your desire to be desire outweighing your ability to make good, clear choices about the men you date? I wasn’t that into him until he wasn’t that into me. “It doesn’t matter if I’m not that into the guy, I need him to be into me. Even if I don’t want him to call, I still expect him to. If he doesn’t, its like What’s wrong with me? Sometimes it hurts even more when you’re not into him because then you must really be a loser.” The first date wasn’t all that bad, but it wasn’t that good either…he seemed like a nice change of pace especially after your last boyfriend. After several days passed he began to occupy more of your mind (or rather his inaction did). This is where the intense over-analysis begins. Some books might tell you he’s just not that into you. But you shouldn’t really care about what his passive behavior suggests because the truth of the matter is you were never that into him to begin with- that is until he acted like he was not that into you….Then you became very very interested. Or your ego became interested in the validation. You didn’t want him but you wanted him to want you. You wondered why the change, had you been less attractive this last go-round?….Suddenly it’s the challenge of making him want you that becomes the motivating factor. “Pullback” This occurs when a guy comes on really strong and is very persistent right until he reels you in (which often involves giving up a little something’ something’ along the way). Then he suddenly pulls back. These less than pretty boys know an attractive woman can fall for an unattractive guy….Sometimes an ugly duckling has a great sense of humor, a cute smile, or nice eyes. And like magic, he transforms into a beautiful swan right before your very eyes….Your friends cant believe you’re hung up on him because they never saw the swan, just the ugly duckling. “I don’t even know how it happened. One minute I wasn’t even interested and the next I find myself unable to do anything but think of him.” “Vanity is quicksand for reason.” We see the good qualities through a magnifying glass. Our friends often don’t get what we see in that person but it doesn’t matter because we do. Ask yourself: Are you seeing this guy in a way that makes your friends think you’ve swallowed a batch of hallucinogens? If so its time to get a new pair of glasses. “Because romantic love is such a euphoric ‘high,’ because this passion is exceedingly difficult to control, and because it produces craving, obsession, compulsion, distortion of reality, emotional and physical dependence, personality change, and loss of self-control, many psychologists regard romantic love as an addiction- a positive addiction when your love is returned, a horribly negative fixation when your love is spurned and you cant let go.” When neuroscientists compared the brain scans of their love-stricken subjects with those men and women who had injected cocaine or opioids, they found that many of the same brain regions became active. So how can you free yourself from something so addictive?….cold turkey. …someone who reeled you in simply for the challenge. And how could this not so attractive guy who doesn’t dress particularly well and still lives with his mother wind up rejecting you? …Perhaps you just needed the attention and you were baffled when he pulled away. Even if you think you’re not into him, you may be falling harder than you think….Remind yourself about what you didn’t see in him in the first place and get the hell out while the going is good. You know that try as you might to have sex without feelings, chances are you will feel something for someone you sleep with whether you intend it. Will it look exactly like the made for TV version? No, but that’s okay. It’ll be better because it will be real. “There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same; only love.” What aphrodisiac is more powerful than something you cannot have? The most important quality a man must have, first and foremost, is that he is interested in us. We forget this we hang on with hope and denial. I came to understand that commitment-phobes are not only unable to commit to “yes” they are also incapable of committing to “no.” They keep the door open, giving their partners false hope. That’s just some of what I pulled. Obviously a lot more. A thousand thoughts run through my mind, but I cant pull one to say now. Welp I hope you found at least something helpful in this. “

Still just as relevant to me today.

[that-one-violist]

uh do not read this because this is absolutely me just trying to get thoughts out without having to actually do anything about it so pls just let me have this because there is no where else where my brain will actually say "okay thats good enough you vented." that isnt actually forcing people to hear me be this way.

- on the one hand yes i should vent to people i trust but at the same time i always end up regretting opening up, at no fault but my own, and i really dont have it in me to fix that at this rate so this is gonna have to do. -

when absolutely nothing is wrong and most of everything should be good and you should feel joy but outside of random spurs of "this is what kept me from offing myself before reaching adulthood" and "oh shit right yeah i want to feel the pain in my stomach from laughing too hard again and also being with people i love isnt something worth losing" you just feel like an automated clump of cells forced by no real purpose to continue feigning, for no audience but your own self, a collective mood of joy other than the subconscious need to survive

i stg i cant even tell if i want to do stupid shit for the sake of experiencing life genuinely because i cant help but value the one oppurtunity im guaranteed to Be or if its entirely for the sake of feeling anything outside of the emotions that feel more often than not flat and hollow.

also i feel like most times i get drunk recently i end up reaching a point where things are just empty and everything feels wrong, which is usually easy to move past, but hey again at least its not the typical wrong feeling? which sounds bad and slowly but surely i think im actually being forced to accept that somewhere there is an addictive personality that i dont have a full control of like i had hoped, even though its not causing real problems but in my head its not good?

anyways haha yikes :/