#its at the point where im frustrated and angry constantly both at work and outside of work

[kinemortophobian]

-

[nekropsii]

im thinking about the relationship between kankri and porrim because its just so fucking WEIRD like theyre obviously important to eachother or care about eachother to some extent but we dont really know why?? like they dont seem to get along very well

she patronizes him constantly (which is VERY loaded considering they lived on fucking beforus) and ignores his boundaries (calling him patronizing nicknames he doesnt like, wiping his face while he tried to push her off) and he constantly makes insensitive bitchy bigoted comments that go against all of her values and make her angry

and theres not the same dynamic dolorosa and signless had where she raised him like theyre the same age so why do they even talk to eachother?? what is their relationship?? like were they childhood friends or something?? itd make sense if they were both a little different as kids and therefore got along better but then why do they still talk to eachother when they really dont now ITS SO WEIRD

It's... Complicated. They go way back, as far as I can tell.

The way I see it, they do not have a "Mother and Son" relationship- I find that most who assert this often place far too much maturity onto Porrim, who is literally 19 years old. It's more like an Adoptive/Found Sibling relationship between someone with a severe case of Eldest Daughter Syndrome and the social conditioning of a higher-end Midblood on Beforus, and someone with a chronic case of Only Child and the social conditioning of a Mutant Lime on Beforus. The relationship makes more sense to me when you view it this way. It's just... A fraught sibling relationship, formed under societal pressures we can't even fathom. Porrim Maryam, trained by society to cull those beneath her, trying hard not to, and for the most succeeding outside of someone very close to her, and Kankri Vantas, culled and isolated his whole life, becoming a total suck-up to the deeply misogynistic, ableist, hemoloyal culling system as both a method of self defense and as a wielding of the only weapon he really knows. It was used against him all the time, and it works, doesn't it? If sucking up to Able-Bodied Male Highbloods and ridiculing everyone beneath that golden standard is the best way to ensure safety, then he's gonna do it. He's essentially a lifelong voter for the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party.

Ultimately, I think what keeps Porrim by his side is that... I think she believes in him. It's like watching yourself lose your sibling to the Alt-Right Pipeline. I think she thinks he doesn't actually believe most of what he's saying, and that this is all deeply reflexive. She's smart enough to recognize the real systemic issues at play here, and that he's essentially caught in chains between 5 different machines that all want him dead. And she's right. When you actually read the shit Kankri's saying, it becomes almost immediately apparent that he's spouting bullshit, and that he absolutely knows this. I think what keeps Kankri by her side is that he knows she cares about him. There isn't any denying it. She might infringe on boundaries, or be generally annoying to him, and keeps doing that frustrating little thing called seeing through his and everyone else's bullshit and calling them out on it- not just including but especially his- but she cares. I think he knows that at the end of all things what he'd have left is her. Is this to say that if you got Kankri to grow a spine and genuinely believe in things that aren't spoonfeedings of the latest Conservative Highblood Talking Point/Psy-Op, he'd be a good person? Hell no. No way. He has a raging savior complex and is way too eager to throw other people under the bus and insult/ridicule them to their faces. He's an asshole. Just completely slimy.

But, again, sibling relationships know no bounds. This kind of dynamic just feels so... Realistic to me. The way their relationship is so strained but still so strong and ongoing just feels so human. I don't know. This is pretty meandering, I just think about them a lot.

[technowoah]

if you're taking asks for the prompts, can you do 11 and 17 from the angst list with george but have a fluffy ending? she/her pronouns pls

I Can Make It Right

SHSJS I HAVE SO MUCH ANGST IN MY INBOX YALL!

Thanks for the request babe! The way it came out was gender neutral i dont think I user she/her, but it still works trust me!

George x reader imagine (established)

11) "It's not important apparently"

17) "You already made me feel like shit so might as well finish me off"

⚠︎ angst with happy ending, unresolved issue but they're gonna fix it dont worry 😌, angry George, swearing

*** = flashback

Masterlist

You had stood infront of your bathroom mirror finishing up your makeup for the night. Your hair was already done and you had a nice outfit on, not to fancy and not too comfortable. While listening to a playlist George had made for you, you had put down the brushes you were using. It didnt really matter if you cleaned up your makeup that was littered all over the sink right now, but right now you were feeling good.

Today was your and George's 3rd year anniversary and you couldn't be happier about it. Today you two were going to dinner and doing something else which was supposed to be a surprise for you. It was a night on the town.

George and you met 4 years ago actually. You two started out as acquaintances, the slowly grew into friends and then one day he asked you to join him to dinner. At first you were oblivious to his actions, thinking he was just being a good friend, but turns out the more dates you two went on the more you caught on. He officially asked you to be his girlfriend 3 years ago today.

His friends keep on pressuring George to propose already, they think it's been long enough. The only thing close to marriage is a promise ring. He put the ring on your finger as a promise that one day he would marry you, everytime you doubt that he will propose you turn your attention to the cute ring on your finger.

You had turned off the bedroom lights and sat on your bed finally relaxing after struggling to find a decent enough outfit for tonight. George said that he was going to pick you up around 6:00 and now it is 5:47 so you had some time to spare.

You had found yourself scrolling through tiktok because you had nothing else better to do at this moment. It was a guilty pleasure of yours even though you and george both joked around about hating tiktok.

Time began to tick away so you had checked the clock on your phone which said 5:57 pm. You had grabbed shoes that you set up against your bed, slipped them on and grabbed all of your belongings for the night. You stationed yourself in the living room waiting till George came to the door.

Nervousness always came up before a date, it was the anticipation actually. You were excited and nervous about the date as you always were, but today for you was special. It was three years worth of beautiful love. You remembered the time he first said I love you too, it was just like it was yesterday.

***

"Hey y/n." George looked towards you. You both were sitting on a plaid, plush blanket with a brown woven basket ontop in between you two. It was just like the movies and that why you cringed because of how cheesy it was when George led you to it.

It was sweet, it was extremely sweet and you loved these dates that George always brung you too. You always felt special when you are sitting next to him.

You responded to George. "Yeah Gogy?" You laughed at the use of his nickname.

"Im trying to be serious right now and you call me Gogy." George smiled and shook his head. "Anyways, you know I love you, right?"

"Of course I do-"

"No I love you. I mean. I'm in love with you." George reached to rest his hand ontop of yours and repeated himself. "I'm in live with you y/n."

You wasted no time answering. "Im in love with you too."

***

6:03

George didnt show up yet, but there was no sweat. He was only 3 minutes late, maybe he ran into traffick. Your stomach was rumbling, but you didnt want to eat yet since you two we're planning to go to dinner. Patience is key, and it wasnt like he wasn't late before.

6:10

You started to get worried, it's been 10 minutes and still no sign of your boyfriend. You had gotton up several times to check outside of your door only to be met with no one. Your mind was jumping to conclusions about if he forgot your anniversary, but you shut those thoughts out for the time being.

6:19

Okay this is getting out of hand. You brung out our phone and began to text George, you couldn't believe that you had waited this long before texting the man.

Where are you? Ive been waiting for 29 minutes?!

[Sent: 6:20pm]

George what are you doing?

[Sent: 6:20pm]

You awaited his text message with your phone faced up on the coffee table infront of you. You didn't want to believe that George woukd forget, or overslept, but that was becoming truth the more minutes passed by with no call or text.

6:30

Calling him was useless, because he didn't answer. He didn't hang up on you he just wasn't picking up the phone, like he turned it off. You started to get worried if something happened to him, if he was in a situation where he couldn't call or text you. You wondered if he was safe at home and not out in the middle of the street.

In a flash all your worries subsided when your phone lit up with a notification.

ThisIsNotGeorgeNotFound is live:

Im Playing golf with my friends

That son of a bitch. Pissed off was an understatement, you were fuming. How could he end up streaming at home when you had constantly reminded him about this day, he knew damn well about this day too. How could he?

You ended up grabbing a jacket and your purse and ended up driving to George's place. It seemed like he was mocking you in a way, he knew you had notifications on for Twitch. You loved to support him and his career, but this was making a fool out of yourself.

Your hand tightly gripped the steering wheel as you tried not to run every red light you cane across. You finally came across George's home, you found a place to park and quickly got out of your car and sped walked your way to George's residence. Finally making up to George's door you knocked harshly on the door probably making more noise than what you intended too. You continuously banged on his door until you got fed up.

Remembering that George had given you a key to his house you dig through your purse to get your set of keys out anr unlock his door. You stomped inside his house and closed the door behind you.

"GEORGE! GEORGE!" You yelled through the house. You were being reckless and annoying, but you didnt care at this point you were fuming and needed to tell George how you feel.

You had made your way to George's recording room where he was talking to his friends on discord. George looked towards you in shock clearly not hearing the sounds you were making throughout his house.

"Y/N?!" George yelled and muted his microphone.

"What the hell are you doing?" You exclaimed back.

"Im streaming thats what Im doing!" George sassed back at you, not paying attention to his screen and the chat.

"Dont get smart with me. End the stream."

"What?! No!"

"You heard me, we need to talk." You crossed your arms across your chest. Your heart was beating too fast for your liking and you tried to calm yourself down, but George's comments were getting to you.

George was about to unmute himself and get back to the game. "No we dont-"

"GEORGE END THE FUCKING STREAM! This is embarrassing! Talk to me cause you have some explaining to do." You snapped at him.

A silence tell upon you two and he glared at you before turning to his stream and closing it out.

"Okay guys! Go watch the other boys streams I need to go now! Bye!" George quickly ended and turned off everything.

He turned around to you still sitting in his chair. "What? What do you want?"

"Do you know what today is?" You asked.

"April 30th." George answered bluntly.

"Thats all you have to say?" You asked in shock. "It's our anniversary dickhead!"

"I fucking know that." George said.

"You do? So why did you start streaming and we had dinner plans?!"

"I told you we were streaming! You weren't listening to me!" George stood up from his chair when he said that.

"When the fuck did you tell me this?!"

"A couple days ago! You didn't listen!"

"But you knew that was our anniversary! And we made dinnerr plans-"

George yelled over you. "A month ago! We made those plans a month ago so excuse me for forgetting!"

"So all these other years you remembered our anniversary and went out of your fucking way to cancel other plans around that date, but today you didnt because why?!" Tears were threatening to fall down you cheeks, but you wouldnt let him see you like that.

"Because I planned this already with the boys! And AGAIN you werent listening to me when I said that-"

"There were several other times that you could've told me too! But you didn't!" You sniffed trying to keep the frustrated tears inside.

"I already planned this and I cant go back on my promise-"

"But you can with me?!" You yelled and George stopped talking. He's just studying your face at this point and you hated this silence.

"Its not important apparently." You said while walking out of the recording room.

"You're being a bitch." He mumbled.

"Excuse me?! That is so disrespectful!" You spun around yelled at him.

"You already made me feel like shit so might as well finish me off." George said in a annoying tone.

"Yeah you should feel like shit! I feel like shit too so-!" You threw your hands up in exasperation and stormed out the room. You had made it to the door before George called out to you again.

"Y/n! Y/n! Please!"

"No! Just..." You paused before opening the door and ushering your way out. "Call me when you get your shit together.

You were currently curled up on your couch eating leftovers that you had in the refrigerator. That had satisfied your hunger for the night because the dinner was canceled that night. Your anger and sadness had subsided and you were only left with an unusual feeling in your heart. Your relationship felt incomplete, this fight felt incomplete. You didnt break up with him, but you were waiting for closure.

The TV was the only light in the room. It illuminated what it wanted to, you didnt care if it was too dark. Usually you would be cuddled up with George at this ungoldy hour, but you weren't and that made you tear up.

Your sadness was still there, your anger towards George turned into pity. You were sad about the actions he took, but somewhere in your heart you could forgive him. You could forgive and move on if he would come to you.

Speaking of, you had a knock on your door. You didn't have the strength to get up, but you did. Shuffling your way to the door you sluggishly opened it to find George standing there with his hands in his hoodie. The person you wanted to see, but at the same time you wanted to slam that door in his face.

"Hey." George spoke and you gave him a small smile, nothing more.

You turned around to find your seat back on the couch where you were comfortable, but also giving him a silent invitation to come inside. You had sat down on the couch not paying attention to George, but you knew he closed the door, took off his shoes by yours, and put his keys on the table by the door like he always did. It was like a routine to him.

George ended up awkwardly standing beside the couch as you ignored him.

"You know, if you didnt open the door I would've used my keys like you did." George tried to spark up a conversation, but you only hummed in response. You were scared that if you spoke, you would cry.

George ended up making his way to the couch sitting beside you and pulling you into his embrace. Your head was on his chest and you began to sob. You missed this it's only been a few hours, but you had felt that in those few hours you had lost everything. You continued to sob into his hoodie as he rubbed your back and shushed you, whispering sweet nothings into the air only for you to hear.

"Im here, and Im sorry. Im so fucking sorry that I did this to you and I only hope that you can forgive me." George said, his voice cracking a little when he said that. You kept crying.

That's what you wanted to hear all along, that's what you needed. You could forgive him in due time, you always will because you love him, you will always love him. You both can always make it right.

[nice-kill-tanaka]

Hi! I read all your x readers and love them! I especially loved the Bakugou x Rough and Tough Crush, I was wondering if you do a part 2 of that one? Where the squad are trying to get the two together.

Of course Nony! Glad you liked my self indulgent work 🥰

—————

🌄Bakugo + Rough And Tough Crush: Part 2🌌

Looking for the whole set? Take Part 1 right here!

Summary: The Bakusquad gets a little sick of watching you and Bakugo pine after each other in your own...special ways. So, it was decided to devise a plan to get you two crazy kids together!!

A/N: Me, internally: First request, don’t mess it up, first request, don’t mess it up, first request, don’t mess it up, first request, don’t mess it up-

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💥Katsuki Bakugo💥

Let’s start by looking at your end of the pining stick

When Bakugo started treating you differently (like an equal/rival rather than a hurdle to trample on) your own perspective started to shift

You now knew what it was like to be on Boom Boom Boy’s good side. And if you were being honest? It was fun as hell 🔥🔥

Nothing got under your skin very easily, so you took Bakugo’s aggressive taunts and jeers as petty opportunities to take him up on his challenges

What’s better than a free chance to get stronger??? (Mentally, emotionally, and physically)

It wasn’t very long before you began to find Bakugo’s unwavering passion and drive attractive rather than amusing. You wanted to see more of it, to draw it out, to match it

That wild and determined smirk he used past bared teeth when you bested him would really make you feel some type of way 😳

But Y/N is currently a single-brain-celled bastard in this household

My dude, you don’t even misinterpret your feelings. You're just incapable of giving them a label 😭

You just know that you have warm and fuzzy sensations in your stomach whenever Bakugo is being uniquely himself, which you mistook for indigestion on multiple occasions

Y’all are so freaking dumb it actually hurts 😭😭😭

((^^The Bakusquad’s general consensus on you and Bakugo’s mutual pining))

Which brings us to how the Bakusquad decided to go about bringing you hotheaded lovers together

Kirishima casually suggested that they let you two get together on your own, but was out-voted in favor of putting an end to the infinite frustration that came with watching two people crushing on each other and not doing anything about it

Mina and Jiro thought of the first plan:

They’d have a movie night for everyone in the friend group and Mina would conveniently choose a ✨romance✨ movie. The rest on the squad would think of lame excuses to leave in the middle of the film, leaving only you and Bakugo alone (hopefully on the same couch). If things went well, you two would be together by the end of the movie

Their reasoning was that if the concept of romance was introduced at the right time, you’d both feel more inclined to confess your own feelings 

It seemed feasible enough, so the plan was set into motion

As expected, the moment Mina pulled out the Blue-Ray box, Bakugo started to grumble about how corny the film was gonna be

But, Jiro caught a glimpse of you leaning over and muttering something to Bakugo, out of earshot of everyone else

Immediately, Bakugo began to loosen his shoulders, still not happy about the genre, but more complacent. He slouched into the couch and endured it like an adult

During the movie, especially the more romantic moments, the squad constantly stole glances towards you and Bakugo. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to look at

Bakugo, in the same position as the beginning, didn’t seem bored, but like he’d rather be doing anything else at the moment. His eyes were glued to the screen in a judgmental stare, but that he dared not say anything to ruin a certain person’s experience

You, however, looked like you were enjoying the movie! However muted your position might have looked. Though you weren’t enjoying it cause it was good. Oh no, you looked like you wanted to ✨a s c e n d✨ into orbit with laughter every ten seconds

For the sake of letting the rest of the Bakusquad enjoy the romance aspect, you limited your actions to biting your fist whenever something hopelessly cringy happened

Any longer than the halfway point, and you would’ve broken down in a fit of hysterical laughter, roasts, and jeers at the screen

Soon enough, the rest of the group made their excuses to leave the room momentarily, disappointed with their results

But, when they came back, something beautiful had occurred 

“Why the hell is she running back to the apartment?? HE CHEATED ON YOU?? KILL ‘IM??”

“SKSKSKS- Okay, but wtf is her FACE?! Is that supposed to be distress?? Freakin’ ahegao faceass.”

Bakugo was deadpan roasting the movie with an amused smirk. While you were coming after it with the gusto of Monoma coming after 1-A, snorting with every comment Bakugo made

Neither of you had even noticed everyone else come into the room

(Apparently, you had told Bakugo earlier that you two can shit on the movie all you wanted once you were alone)

Alright...not exactly the plan. But, possibly a step in the right direction

Sero and Kaminari thought of the next “plan”

I only put quotations, because it’s hardly thought out enough to call it one

It was literally just locking you and Bakugo in a closet 🤡🤡

Don’t worry Sero and Kaminari, I’ll play Taps at your funerals 🎺🎺🎺

You and Bakugo didn’t even have a genuine conversation in the closet...You were too busy yelling various profanities at your friends

“Dude, it’s really FUCKING HOT in here. Let us out while I’m still feeling nice!!”

“I’ll murder you bastards when we get out of here!!! You better start running now.”

Btw, you both ended up making it out of there on your own

You managed to deck the doorknob hard enough to break it off, giving Bakugo enough leeway to blow the door off its hinges

Bakugo took care of Kaminari, while you caught and hogtied Sero with his own tape 

You gave each other congratulatory fist bumps afterwards 😚

Despite the rest of the Bakusquad miserably failing in their schemes, their setups did help develop you and Bakugo’s relationship. Just not as fast as they hoped

You had become a pair that could laugh and fight together. Being each other’s advocate became a source of pride for you both

You were all set to become a romantic couple 

But, what actually brings you together??

Well, it went something like this:

I’m not too sure of the exact details, but I know that you and Bakugo were having an extra intense training session

Things were starting to get a bit sloppy, as your bodies were getting tired, but your morale was just as strong as ever

It could’ve just been a freak accident, or something neither of you saw coming

But, the point is: Either of you could’ve gotten really hurt, had you not been the tough cookies you are

In your perspective, you were oblivious to the danger that you had been in. And if you did know, you didn’t particularly care. You only saw that the person you cared about most in U.A. could’ve gotten hurt

The idea of that happening, and it being your fault (or, not being able to do anything about it) really rubbed you the wrong way. You were mostly angry at yourself

But, you took it out on Bakugo

Because you were the first aggressor, Bakugo responded with what he knew best: Aggression

Yes, he was absolutely mad at himself for putting you in danger. But, what made the feeling worse, was that you refused to acknowledge that you could’ve been injured as well

Your blatant lack of self-preservation pissed him off. Why couldn’t you care about yourself the way he cared about you?!

On the outside looking in, the fighting was far too intense for any peer of yours to try and break it up

Yelling, cursing, but neither of you put your hands on each other (Like you usually did when you play fought)

Strangely enough, I think that’s how you could tell the situation was serious

Finally, your emotions had reached their climax. All caution had gone to the wind at that point

You weren’t even thinking when you yelled the next thing in Bakugo’s face

“DO YOU THINK I’D FUCKING YELL AT YOU IF YOU DIDN’T MEAN THE GODDAMN WORLD TO ME?!”

“WELL FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK THAT YOU’RE ANY LESS IMPORTANT TO ME THAN I AM TO YOU.”

At that moment, you both turned away to storm off before abruptly stopping in your tracks

“What?!” You said in unison, registering what you both had heard and said

You sighed, frustrated at your own stupidity, unclenching your fists and begrudgingly explaining your true feelings to the seething object of your affections

As you spoke, you were realizing just how whipped you were for Bakugo. And how you didn’t know it until you were given the opportunity to blurt it out with pure emotion

Your words weren’t very poetic (You actually sounded very constipated), but what you said was what you felt in its rawest form

Bakugo could hardly think of what to do next. His crush was reciprocated and they confessed first??? Wtf???

His silence made you uncomfortable, and you didn’t feel like blowing up again. You huffed, shoved your hands in your pockets, and turned to stalk away, unsure of what to do next

Before you could completely turn on your heel though, you felt yourself being roughly shoved against a nearby wall

You weren’t even given time to react, because as soon as your back made contact with the wall, a warm, caramel-scented sensation met your lips

The kiss you had just registered didn’t even last two seconds, but the lingering feeling stuck with you as your brain effectively shorted out

“Yo, wh-what was that??”

Bakugo was impossibly red, one hand still on your shoulder, keeping you in place. Even though he refused to make eye contact with you, it was clear that what he had just done was completely intentional

He scoffed, voice barely above a grumble, “Damn dumbass...you didn’t even give me a chance to respond...”

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[🌌 There you go bud! That’s one set of headcanons for the road. Hopefully it lasts for a while, but if it doesn’t, feel free to come back! I’d be thrilled to see you again.🌄] —Reagan

[dwaynepride]

Today Or Yesterday

CHAPTER 3

Summary: It’s been five long days of working the case. When reader and Gibbs finally get a solid lead, things don’t turn out as hoped.

Words: 3,025

Warnings: gunshot-related injuries

Notes: thank u for all the support this series has been getting!! im really happy yall are enjoying it

Part 2 Part 4

Five days into the assignment, and you weren’t quite used to working in an actual office yet. The transition from cubicles to street music did take a bit of time to get used to - the New Orleans office was unlike any other federal building you’ve ever seen. But being back in the Naval Yard, surrounded by constantly ringing phones and orange walls and coldly polite agents who only talked about whatever is important to the case...you were missing home. Missing your team. Missing Dwayne.

Bishop and McGee were great. And it was nice to be around Ducky and Abby again. But it was hard not to compare them to your friends in New Orleans. They just reminded you that you weren’t home.

Fortunately, the case itself was keeping you busy enough so you can’t think about the team and Dwayne. Days were spent piling through old cases files and witness testimonies and chasing leads that went nowhere. By the time you got back to your hotel, you were just too tired to be homesick.

But not nearly exhausted enough to forget about Gibbs and the situation with him.

Over the last five days, neither of you have spoken to each other outside of what was necessary for the case. You asking him if you could take one of his agents with you somewhere, or Gibbs consulting you about a little detail here and there. And as much as you wanted to tell yourself that it was okay, it still hurt how he never really met your eyes.

Despite the environment and the homesickness and Gibbs, the work of the case had you running around all day. Down to autopsy for insight on the murder weapon, then to Abby for test results, and now staying glued in the bullpen to fish for a new lead. Jumping between McGee and Bishop’s desks and not paying much attention to anything else. Especially not Gibbs coming out of the elevator and making his way over.

“Yes, ma’am.....no, ma’am....” you mumble into Bishop’s phone. Come on, just hang up, you got other things to do. “Thanks for your help, ma’am. I’ll call back if I need anything else.” As if.

You quickly hang up the phone before the woman on the other side tried to drag out the conversation and you swiftly turn on your heel back toward McGee’s desk. But you weren’t counting on Gibbs being right there - you crash into him from the side, the styrofoam cup of coffee getting knocked from his hang and falling to the ground, instantly staining the carpet black.

You step away from Gibbs instantly, staring at the spilled coffee, mouth falling open to apologize. But the Marine is on you instantly, and when your gaze rises to his, there’s nothing but anger in his hard eyes. “Can’t you watch where you’re going?” He snaps out, hand shaking to rid it of spilled coffee.

Immediately, any impulse to apologize dies down, and rage takes its place. You square your shoulders up at Gibbs; what the hell was his problem? “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s not like I’m running around, doing fifty different things to try and find us a lead!”

“How about you let my agents worry about finding a lead,” Gibbs barks back. And when he takes a step closer, trying to seem intimidating, you don’t back away. You stopped being intimidated by him a long time ago. “We were doing just fine without you!”

Your hands curl into fists, and for a brief moment, there’s an impulse to lash out and slap that angry look off his face. As if he’s totally justified in being so pissed off. But before either of you could do or say anything, a soft, familiar voice says Gibbs’ name.

The both of you look over, and Abby is standing on the edge of the bullpen with McGee by her side. His eyes avert away instantly, but Abby keeps her sheepish look. Gaze switching nervously between you and Gibbs, wondering what to do next. It’s not until he utters a sharp “what” do they both scurry over. McGee is still having trouble looking up, but to her credit, Abby’s looking both you and Gibbs in the eye. She’s never been the type to shy away from Gibbs when he was angry, and still, you can’t help but admire her fortitude. She was no less scared of Jethro than you were.

“Uh, McGee and I have been combing through the suspect’s phone, looking at emails and text messages and phone calls...” Gibbs starts nodding his head - a sigh for Abby to get to the point. She chances a glance to McGee before continuing. “We found a number to an old motel just outside of town. I called, and they said they’ve rented a room to a man matching the description of our guy.”

Instantly, Gibbs moves past Abby toward his desk. “McGee, call Bishop and Torres. Tell them where we’re going, and to meet us there,” he spouts, getting behind his desk and grabbing his gun.

“Yes, Boss,” McGee replies, and he hastily walks off with Abby in tow.

You watch them leave, glance to Gibbs, and then walk off towards your little desk in the corner to retrieve your coat and gun. Finally - a solid lead. Actual witnesses, and he didn’t even know you and the team were coming. And yet, the small amount of excitement that started rising in your stomach died out when you heard Gibbs speak up: “What the hell are you doing?”

The coat was half-on. A single arm pulled through the sleeve when you looked up in surprise. And with a deep frown, you tugged the rest of your coat on before facing Gibbs. “I’m coming with you guys,” you answer him plainly. As if you wouldn’t tag along on the biggest break-through in years.

But Gibbs started shaking his head. Padded out from behind his desk and turned to walk away toward the elevator. “No, you aren’t. You’re staying here and-”

“Dammit, Jethro!” Your loud shout froze him. Whirled him around to face you, and for the second time in just five minutes, the heat of his glare hit you hard. But now, you were just as pissed as he was - trying to keep you here, as if you were just an observer on this case. “Vance brought me here to help. I’m not a member of this team, not anymore. You can’t boss me around, and you can’t tell me I’m not coming along to arrest this guy. I’m going, whether you like it or not.”

The words just spilled out without you meaning them to. And you knew, somewhere deep down, that yelling and reminding Gibbs that you weren’t his to boss around would only make things worse. But he just had this way of pushing you and saying things that pissed you off. And you remember clearly that behavior as one of the things that made the relationship hard, at times.

He stands there for a moment, glaring hard until he finally sighs, and you can see him give in. “Fine, but you follow my orders,” Gibbs says, his voice tense.

Of course that’s the ultimatum. “Fine.”

The ride to the motel was long. Quiet. Insanely tense, and not even Torres and his quips helped with that. It was a relief to finally step out of the car, even if the view made you pause.

When Abby said the motel was old, she wasn’t kidding. It looked like the type of place you wouldn’t want to walk around at night; dirty walls, dull paint job, dark hallways in the middle of the day. A window in one of the rooms was busted, and the only effort to fix it is with a trash bag and some duct tape. If the suspect was looking for a lowkey place to hide out, he chose a pretty good spot.

Abby had gotten the room number over the phone, so when Bishop pointed it out, Gibbs immediately made his way towards it. The team follows, and as your hand reaches to settle on your gun, Gibbs glances at you over his shoulder before motioning with his head to the corner of the building. “Go around back. Cover the bathroom window,” he orders lowly.

You stop instantly. The reflex to argue comes up, and you quickly snuff it out and huff, turning and making your way to the side of the building without another word. It’s not worth another fight; not right now. You just wanted this case wrapped up so you can get back to New Orleans. Back to Dwayne.

The back of the motel is no more prettier than the front. A long stretch of wire fence, interlaced with weeds and grass. Debris and trash litter the ground, despite the fact there’s a dumpster several yards away (though, to be fair, it doesn’t look like it’s been used lately.) After a quick glance around the area, you turn and set yourself in front of the window.

Even from the back, you hear when Torres knocks the door down, followed by Gibbs shouting “NCIS!” in the room. And you can’t help but stiffen. Hoping this guy tries to jump out the window so you know he isn’t shooting at Jethro or any of the others. He was a pretty dangerous guy, so the possibility is there.

But nobody tries escaping. The bathroom door opens, and that tells you the room was empty. Dammit.

With a frustrated huff, you turn to start making your way back around the building. But a noise stops you in your tracks, head swiveling around to where you just stood. The noise had come from the dumpster. Much too big to be a raccoon. If it’d been an animal, you definitely would’ve heard it by now.

Slowly, with silent steps, you circle around the dumpster to get a better look. You don’t dare to breathe, and it doesn’t occur to you to call for back-up.

In hindsight, maybe you should have. Because after another foot or two, you find that the noise came from the man you were here to arrest. He stands as soon as you’re in his line of sight, and for a split second, it’s a little daunting that such a prolific killer - a man who’s gotten away with murder for years - was standing right there.

But the hesitation was only slight. “NCIS, hands up!”

The words were out, but your weapon wasn’t. Before you can even get it out of the holster, the man had his arm outstretched towards you. He was holding something small and black....it wasn’t until that small, black object flashed and a loud noise snapped through the air did you realize it was a gun, and he’d just fired it at you.

A sharp, hot pain exploded in the middle of your thigh. A pain so strong, so intense, you fell to the ground and let out a scream. Faintly, the sound of footsteps running against gravel could be heard, but you were much too focused of the piercing, unbearable pain spreading through your leg. And when you look at it, even though your hands are gripping your thigh, the sight of deep red blood has you closing your eyes tight.

You can’t seem to focus on anything. Not calling for help. Not speaking through the mic in your ear. The only thing your body could decide on was squeezing your thigh and writhing back and forth in the dirt.

But Gibbs didn’t need you to call out for him. He heard the gunshot, and he was the first to reach you. Your limbs are going numb, and not in a good way. But even then, you feel his hands on your thigh. Removing yours and replacing them with his own, and the action has you opening your eyes to look at him.

And for the first time since getting to DC, Jethro isn’t looking at you with anger or some cold indifference. He’s concerned. Scared, even. And you don’t know whether or not that’s supposed to make you feel better. Maybe it shouldn’t, because judging from how Gibbs seems to feel about you now, he wouldn’t look so worried if he thought the wound wasn’t serious.

“Stay awake, alright? Medics are on their way.”

You hear his voice. Understand his words. But you were starting to lose feeling just about everywhere, even the gunshot wound that Gibbs was leaning his entire weight on. And the last you see before everything goes black are those pale blue eyes.

--

Everything seemed so....heavy when you woke up. Your head. Your limbs. Especially your eyelids, because it seemed damn-near impossible to open your eyes, despite being very awake. But despite the weight of sleep pulling on your very bones, the uncomfortable stiffness of your leg is almost immediately noticed. Very sore and mostly bound with bandages to the point where moving it was out of the question.

It took a few more attempts before your eyes finally open. Blinking against the light, but at least you succeeded in something. Though, opening your eyes and catching a murderer were leagues and leagues apart.

Somewhere on your right, the page of a magazine is flipped. The noise startles you, even if it was small and coming from Gibbs lounging back in a chair. The sight him just sitting there, not even looking up from the magazine that he’s holding far away from him, makes you think you might be dreaming. “Jethro?” You asked, voice hoarse and it shocks you.

He just nods once, finally closing that damn magazine and looking up to you. His own eyes blink a couple times; his eyesight must be getting worse. “How do you feel?”

“Uh, stiff. Sore.” You try to move the injured leg, but all that happens is a jolt of pain making you wince.

Again, Jethro nods once. “Bullet nicked an artery, so the doctors had to do a lot of stitching. Ambulance came just in time; it was a close call,” he explains. When you look to him, you find his eyes flickering up from your leg.

Yeah, you remember him on top of you. Hands on your leg, trying desperately to slow the bleeding. He obviously succeeded. The knowledge makes your eyes drop away from his. “You saved me,” you mumble out.

Gibbs is silent for a heartbeat. “Of course, I did. You think I’d just let you die?”

No. No, you didn’t. Despite the tension and anger between you two, Jethro was a good man. An even better agent. The thought of him letting you bleed out just because you annoyed him wasn’t even on your radar. You were still just reeling from everything that’s happened.

After a few moment, Gibbs suddenly stands up and fishes into his pocket. Pulls out his old dinosaur of a phone and hands it over. When you blink at it and look up in confusion, he motions with it. “King’s been calling over and over. He’s worried sick; you should call.”

Dwayne was worried. That fact that you didn’t even think to call him until now made you guilty, but you take the phone from Gibbs. He walks across the room while you dial the number, and Dwayne answers on the second ring. “Gibbs? You got news on Y/N?”

“Hey, Dwayne. It’s me.”

Instantly, he lets out a hard sigh of relief. Dwayne takes a second to say something to someone; you assume he’s relaying the news to the team. The thought makes you smile, but hearing his voice return only widens it. “Sweetheart, I was worried sick. McGee called and told me what happened. That you were in surgery and nobody knew how bad it was. And even after Gibbs said you were fine, I wasn’t gonna feel any better until I heard it from you.”

If there was ever a moment you desperately wished he were here, it was right now. You can’t help but lean your head against Jethro’s phone, as if that somehow makes you closer to him. “I’m fine, just a little sore. Nothing some TLC can’t fix.” Dwayne’s cooking would be better than any medicine the hospital could give you.

“Funny you say so, ‘cause I’m flyin’ up to DC tonight.”

Instantly, the smile vanishes from your face. Your eyes move up to look at Gibbs across the room, wondering if he knew before averting your eyes away. “Dwayne, you don’t have to come up here...”

“Actually, cause you’re outta commission, Vance says y’all need another New Orleans agent up there.” He pauses for a heartbeat. “Plus, yeah; you were shot, baby. I’d be flying up anyway.”

Despite the shock of the news, you smile at his words. Sometimes, his stubborn selflessness was too good to be true. “Alright,” you mumble. “See you when you get here.”

“You will,” Dwayne says. A stern promise before he says goodbye and hangs up.

That’s when Gibbs makes his way back over, taking his phone when you offer it back. And you figure he already knows about Dwayne’s arrival; Vance surely would’ve informed him, by now. Still, you chance a look up at him. “Dwayne’s coming up to help on the case.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Strangely, he doesn’t seem all that excited that his long time friend to coming to DC. That they’ll be working a case together, like the old days that Dwayne used to tell you about whenever Jethro was brought up. And now, you’re too tired to ask him about the lack of enthusiasm. Evidently, five minutes was too long to stay awake, in your condition.

Gibbs notices how your eyes flicker with exhaustion. “Go on. Go back to sleep,” he urges. And if sleep hadn’t been pulling so hard, the way his hand feels on your arm when he gives it a small pat would’ve felt a lot stronger than it did. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

And you trusted him on that. After all, he did just save your life.

[dear-veronica-sawyer]

Secret (J.D. x Reader)

“Could you do a jd x reader where they've been friends for a while and she confronts him abt heather's suicide and take it where ever you want ((;“

(Wow this took a really long time. I’m so sorry!! There’s been a lot of stuff happening in my personal life and also I am a major procrastinator help) (also lmao im not completely sure if this is what you wanted but here ya go its not really a confrontation ugh im sorry im bad at life also the ending is rushed sorry)

(Idk why but he turned out to have more of a movie J.D. personality, sorry!)

WC: 1,709

Warnings: suicide mentions (obviously), unhealthy relationship, cussing, the very beginning of this is kinda angsty WHOOPS, gets kinda steamy i guess, majorly ooc whoops

(I DO NOT IN ANY WAY CONDONE UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS)

Ever since you had heard what happened, it seemed you were stuck in your own head. It felt like you were stuck in this endless loop of “that can’t be true, that can’t be true, that can’t be true”. Ms. Fleming tried to talk to you, with little to no response.

There is no way Heather Chandler commit suicide, was the thought that been running through your mind for what seemed like forever. None of your friends understood why you seemed so fixated on Heather’s death. You didn’t blame them, simply because you didn’t fully understand it either. You hated Heather Chandler, and Heather Chandler hated you. She bullied you constantly, so why would you be so worked up over this?

Well, if you were being honest, it’s because it didn’t make any fucking sense.

There were too many holes in the story, too many inconsistencies. The suicide note didn’t sound like Heather at all. You weren’t buying the whole “popular girl on the outside, tortured soul on the inside” shit. And why would she kill herself by drinking drain cleaner, of all things? That just didn’t seem like Heather Chandler to you.

“Hey... (Y/N)? (Y/N)... (Y/N)!!” A deep voice broke you out of your thoughts and you were brought back to the present.

You were at you friend (and longtime crush) J.D.’s house. Luckily, his sleazy dad wasn’t home to make you uncomfortable. You were sitting on the couch, watching a random TV show with a slushie in your hand. J.D. had been waving his hand in front of your face to catch your attention. Once he realized you had snapped out of it, his tense posture relaxed and he raised an eyebrow.

“What were you thinking about?” He took a sip of his cherry slushie and you tried (keyword: tried) not to look at his red-stained lips that were currently smirking. You also tried not to look at his messy, but somehow perfect hair. Or those mysterious eyes that seem like they could hold the secrets to the universe within them.

Damn, if there is one person who can get Heather Chandler off of your mind, it’s J.D.

“Oh, you know... stuff.” You so eloquently replied. Really, (Y/N)? “Stuff”? You mentally berated yourself.

“Oh, really?” J.D. deadpans. “What kind of stuff?”

“Um...” You fidget with the hem of your shirt nervously. “It might sound stupid.”

“Tell me.” He rests his hand on your arm, and electricity races through your entire body. Your eyes are cast downwards and you take a deep breath.

“It’s about Heather Chandler.” You say in a quiet tone. J.D. doesn’t say a word, and the silence between you is almost deafening. The only thing you could hear was the TV show in the background, until J.D. slowly picks up the TV remote and presses the mute button.

“(Y/N)...” He says slowly.

“It couldn’t have been suicide, J.D.!” It was like a dam broke (*insert Percy Jackson reference here*), but emotions flooded out rather than water. “It doesn’t make any sense!”

“It makes perfect sense, (Y/N)!” J.D. seemed to be getting more and more agitated every time another word came out of your mouth. You didn’t understand why.

“No, J.D., it doesn’t!” You protested.

“Oh, really? How does it not make sense?” He scoffed back at you.

“Heather Chandler was a dramatic person. We can agree on that.” J.D. nodded in agreement to your words. “If that’s so, why did she kill herself by drinking drain cleaner? I think we can both agree that it would make more sense if she did something much more attention grabbing, like purposely crashing her car into a tree and blowing up, or whatever.” (A/N: okay wow, i feel horrible for even writing that. unfortunately, i’m trying to make this fic as believable as it would be in the heathers universe, and, uh, they’re pretty blunt about this stuff. i’m still really sorry tho :/ )

“Are you really questioning the way she commit suicide? That’s a little morbid, even to me.” J.D. said flatly.

“I... I just...” You stuttered out. You hadn’t expected J.D. to be this cold and uncaring about the situation. Something about this wasn’t right. You took a deep, calming breath.

“I think it might be murder.” You choke out. J.D.’s expression was completely unreadable. He leaned in closer to you, his lids half shut. Your breath hitched. You would have (naively) thought that he was going to kiss your worries away if you hadn’t seen his smirk.

“Why do you think that?” His voice sent shivers down your spine, something that didn’t go unnoticed by him. You saw his smirk deepen.

“Uh, well... I, um, it’s just-” You were stumbling over your own words. You could feel your face burning, but you couldn’t move away. He took a strand of your hair between his fingers and played with it softly. It’s almost as if he knew the effect he had on you (hint: he did. He would have to be an idiot not to notice).

“Can you keep a secret, (Y/N)?” J.D. asked, almost in a whisper. He was driving you insane.

“Um, y-yes?” You manage to spit out. You blinked your eyes furiously, not understanding where J.D. was going with this. Also, you were desperately trying to ignore the fact that he seemed to be getting closer to you - but that’s just your imagination, right?

Oh shit, it’s not your imagination. His face was so close to yours, if you tilted your head even slightly upwards, your lips would touch. Just one move, one singular move, and everything would change. Do it, (Y/N), a surprisingly courageous voice inside your head said.

Before you could do anything, a low voice interrupted your thoughts.

“You’re right.”

You pulled back your head a bit in confusion. “What?”

“You’re right. Everyone else in this school would never even guess that it wasn’t true. But you... you knew something wasn’t right from the beginning. You’re smart, and that’s why I became friends with you in the first place.” J.D.’s eyes had a dark, angry tint that wasn’t there before. “I know that of all people, you would understand.”

“Understand what? J.D., what are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about Heather Chandler, (Y/N).” He said quickly. “You’re right. It wasn’t a suicide.”

You processed this information for a moment. You knew it! Of course, it wasn’t suicide! You were right!

Wait. Hold on. Something about this is off.

Your eyes widen and you stare at J.D. in horror and disbelief.

“J.D... How do you know that?” You ask, not daring to rise above a whisper. No. No, there is absolutely no way that your best friend is a murderer. He can’t be. That’s ridiculous. This is all a misunderstanding. Please be a misunderstanding.

J.D. looks at you expectantly. “Come on, you’re smart enough to figure it out.”

Your worst fears have been confirmed, and honestly, it feels like a punch to the gut. You could feel the color draining out of your face. Your best friend took someone’s life, and judging by his reaction, he doesn’t feel very guilty about it. You start to move away from him without thinking. He grabs your arm and pulls you back.

“(Y/N), don’t be like that! Hear me out!” You refused to look him in the eye and he made a frustrated noise. He lifted your chin up so you had no choice but to stare at him face to face.

“Heather Chandler was a complete and utter monster. She terrorized people daily and she was never given any consequences. She deserved what she got. We can rid this world of assholes like her together!” He exclaimed passionately.

“J.D....” You said weakly. Fuck, if only you weren’t looking at him right now. If you weren’t looking at him you could definitely say no. You could say no and call the police and never have to deal with this again.

But you knew, looking at his face, you wouldn’t be able to resist. You would say yes. You would go along with his plan. A sick part of you was telling you, “Doesn’t he have a point? Heather Chandler was horrendous.” But the rest of you disagreed. No one deserved a fate like that, even someone as terrible as Heather.

But here you were, nodding as he gave you the most persuasive look he could muster. You hated yourself for it, but it was too late now.

As soon as he saw you nod, his face broke out into a rare smile. God, you knew you should hate him, but you were still a hormonal teenage girl who was in love with an idiotic boy. Not to mention, that smile was pretty fucking irresistible. When he looked at you like that, almost all of the worries and self-loathing from your previous decision were erased from your mind.

You weren’t thinking when you leaned in and pressed your lips to his, but you know you certainly weren’t expecting him to kiss you back.

You threaded your fingers through his hair while he gently pushed you on your back, hovering over you. The kiss was was full of fire, almost like a battle. His hands ran down your body until they came to rest at your waist. It seemed like you could keep kissing him forever, until you remembered that you needed to breathe.

You (albeit reluctantly) pull away. God, the sight of J.D like that was... amazing. His hair disheveled, his face pink, his breath coming out in sharp pants. You couldn’t think of anything that could even come close to comparing.

“I love you.” Those three words came out before you thought of the possible repercussions. To your surprise, he merely smirked.

“I know.” He said in a husky voice. You couldn’t take the time to revel in how breathtaking his voice sounded, because his mouth was on yours in almost a second. The kiss was so passionate that you knew in that moment that you were in way too deep, but God, you felt so alive. It felt like your body was racing with electricity. It was a perfect mixture of pleasure and excitement and you knew you could never let that go. 

It was that euphoric feeling that made you stay. That euphoric feeling that made you keep his secret from anyone and everyone. Jason Dean had you wrapped around his finger, and you would never have it any other way.

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE FOUR

“ ‘something will be unleashed’ are u gonna start KILLING PEOPLE??” - saira

HOH: Nick UPSIDE DOWN: Emma & Kiki NOMINEES: Monty & Saira POV: Jev FINAL NOMINEES: Monty & Saira EVICTED: Saira (1-0)

JOSH C

well, we just voted out GINA and i'm feeling some kind of way about it. i feel like the push to save emma was VERY quick and i think there are a lot of alliances going on that i'm not involved in which is FINE but it's just something i need to watch out for. i know i talk with almost everyone constantly so i think i'll be okay for this week, but i'm just worried about the people that i enjoy.

a lot of people have said they don't talk to saira or brianna so i wouldn't be shocked to see them both go up, which is FINE i guess but i enjoy both. i don't want saira to leave at all but i don't think she has as GOOD of a social standing as brianna does. which is worrisome because i know this is her first game so she doesn't have any pre-existing relationships to save her which is.. not ideal.

i'm finding things a BIT frustrating because i have to navigate not ONLY game thoughts but people's pre-game relationships. not that i'm knocking anyone for them but almost everyone i've talked to says they don't talk to monty but they wouldn't want to see him nominated. i just don't FULLY understand why we can't nominate him but they're friends with him so he's a bit UNTOUCHABLE. i might push it anyways because he's the only person i don't really talk to anymore. WHO KNOWS.

i've felt like a deflated balloon for most of today so maybe i'll just go with the flow on this but i need to make sure i'm not just voting out all the people who will be votes for me later on. 

ARIA

Im small, bitter, and very angry...but spite is the best motivator and im going to use it to win this season. Anyways i miss saira im SICK of trusting nicks, i see a nick i FLOOR IT!!! I refuse to have a nick fuck me over in a game again i am so over it. But hehe anyways lets get into the info spilling section real fast and then i can analyze because my position has drastically changed from last time-

also sorry for repeated info but sometimes i forget things or people say it again so..

-nathan leaked "all" his alliances to me (Screensht is cut weird i think theres one he cut off)

-Jacob found out my gina connection

-perfect voting record is dead (told jacob i voted out gina tho idk why hehe)

-kiki-joey connection 

-emma knows about bri's backups because jake leaked it to her before he left

-josh c IS EVERYWHERE

-nick says they havent talked to bri

-nick likes jev

-nick wants (more so wants others) to take a shot at kiki/nash

-nick said nathan is a wildcard 

-joshua nommed monty and nash

-STOP UNDERESTIMATING JOSHUA

-told josha jacob is protecting him

-joey exposed saira's deal to me and bri

-joey wants a larger alliance

-bri said they like nick,,,but that conflicts earlier info so im thinking peer pressure or just bri is too sweet for this cast and i adore her-

-bri told nathan her noms

-nathan hates bri and for wHAT??

-jacob has a dpov and used it to cement a f2,, AND DID THE SAME THING WITH BRI FFS 

-jacob scared of nick and jev

-kiki and nash tell everything to jacob

-jacob said emma and joey have a connection??

-jacob thinks nick is gonna join the emma jev joey side (his words)

-jacob thinks monty is a threat

-jacob ranked the players in tiers as follows: 

A kiki jev bri

B joey joshua nathan

d: nash saira monty

-bri talks a lot with kiki and josh c

-told bri about the trio between jacob kiki and nash

-joey told me yesterday he wants to win,,,but then just said to take him out

-planting seeds against joey to bri

-jacob wants to bring dpov up with alliance at f10

-joshua and jacob were shook saira was evicted

-told jacob that joey asked to throw

-jev and jacob are getting closish

-jacob is so threaten by nick

-jacob told bri that nathan doesnt like her

-

and thats where im at currently. Lots of options and lots of interconnections I have to navigate but i think im gonna be fine for the time being which makes it super easy to just be complacent and float my way to jury BUT!!! I want to try setting myself up well where i dont get clocked at f9/10 and wabam im out. Im trying to set people against each other subtly but honestly i think im overestimating myself here but at least i know im safe. I mean for now im trying to set up this side of jev emma joshua to at least form together as a group but im STRUGGLING i might just have to settle for them keeping each other safe without a solid alliance ig. At the same time I think i really have two actives pieces of info im working with which is emma knowing about bri's backups and then me and bri knowing about jacob's dpov.

So i think what I want to happen is that Jacob wants to dpov nick out at f10 so i'll let that happen probably which puts a huge target on jacobs back, idk if its anon but if it is ill make sure bri leaks it kinda framing it in a "if you leak it and i pretend to not know i can analyze how other people respond so we'll know what everyone thinks" and once jacob leaves emma can leak the bri's angels (which should be weaker at this point since jacob is the glue that holds it together a bit) which #1 makes a bunch of good players house targets and then forces those people to solidly stick together as well. Not sure how im gonna play both sides but,,,,if i can play it off kinda like i did in pasio somehow maybe i'll be fine but who knows. Either way im here to have fun (and hopefully win for gina/saira)

WELL WELL!!! just did a vc with jacob, he decided to take matters into his own hands and be totally cracked and now thinks nick/monty/nathan are a side,,,,which,,,,idk yall nathan did show me all of his alliances and none of them were that but who am i to stop jacob from making himself a target by leading this charge against them uwu. I do need to be more proactive about leaking tho but im not sure how im gonna work that. Also im not sure if i want nick/monty/nathan all gone, i can live with monty gone bc they probably think i nommed them and might want revenge but also nick and nathan are kinda cute numbers for me,,, 

I mean idk because at this point i have a game relationship with mostly everyone left in this game and im just not sure which path i need to take to get to the end yet and its kindaaa stressing me out a little bit. I can feel myself starting to drop in peoples trust rankings a little bit and god its kinda annoying how jacob has this game wrapped around his finger, however i dont need to be in a dominant position this entire game i believe in myself!! I got this easy peasy!!! 

JEV

My reverse psychology paid off and I won the veto so I'm loving that for me, I'm not going to be using it because I'd preferably like to see Monty leave because I just... never see them and I think Saira is much more deserving of her place here than Monty is. It's frustrating that Monty is cruising through this game so easily because we haven't spoken to eachother since day one, and they haven't even bothered to come and speak to me to campaign for me to use the veto. Like, do you want to be here or not?

Thinking about it more, I'm super happy I won the power of veto. I managed to ensure myself and those I'm closest to in this game weren't going to be named as renom and kept Monty up there as a final nom, which I'm worried otherwise wouldn't happen during this game since people seem either threatened by Monty OR a little over-eager to keep him around in this game, which annoys me but whatever. I just hope whoever wins HOH has the balls to make the right decision, better to get him gone now rather than later.

JEV

So I think I've had a little bit of a brainwave/breakthrough. This is gonna be longwinded so hear me out.

Apparently from what I've heard, the nominations this week were revealed in order of who recieved the least to the most nominations from every

one. This is extremely interesting to me, as I've taken note that Nick, Aria, Jacob & Brianna were 10th-8th in the rankings of votes respectively.

First of all, I haven't made secret that I think something is going on with the Pasio alumni. This was highlighted when I was asking around for what people were doing for nominees, and from everyone I heard Saira/Monty, but from two people I heard Saira, Nash, Joey & Monty -- with Monty strategically placed last in the ranking, to give the illusion his name was the least uttered. Funnily enough, the two people I heard this format of the names were Nick and Aria who just happen to be Pasio alumni... interesting, right?

So looking at the ranking, I'm thinking "okay so they obviously didn't do eachother, and with Nash/Joey in 3rd and 4th respectively, they must've not expected so many votes on Monty and didn't plan accordingly, and so split the votes too much and didn't have enough to put up Nash or Joey over Monty. So I'm thinking, I know there's a connection between Jacob and Monty because I used to play orgs with them on Skype. Jacob used the veto on Brianna last week, this has brought me to the conclusion that Monty, Nick, Brianna, Jacob & Aria are working together with the possibility that Josh C is either playing both sides or is fully with them too, hence why he recieved the least votes.

That places Myself, Emma, Kiki, Nash, Joshua, Joey & Saira on the outside, and Nathan too as I'm guessing he's strayed from their alliance and/or wishing to work with them, hence why he recieved 5th most votes. 

I'd love to make an alliance with this group of people, but it's still only pre-jury and I don't want to be seen as playing too hard too soon.

(cont.) So I initially wasn't going to go for this HOH, but I feel like I need to because I can't trust anybody else to make the move to take Monty out, and I'd rather see their numbers thinned sooner rather than later. It would paint me as their #1 target for next week probably, but if someone I trusted won HOH next week then I could go to the upside down and not have to worry about it.

JEV

Yes again I'm so sorry, another thing that was interesting to me was that I mentioned to Aria that I was close with Emma, and she asked for an alliance with the 3 of us almost immediately after, stating that she was also "very interested" in working with Emma too. This tells me she's the mole and wanted the alliance to try and get intel from us, I don't believe for a second she did Saira/Monty along with me and Emma at all, which is why myself and Emma are hesitant to say too much in that alliance chat. So I like Aria, but I don't trust her as far as I can throw her.

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL__dyRaq2E&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=5&t=0s

[beccawastaken]

My life summarized Pt. 1...

I started this blog cause there is always so much in my head, it moves at the speed of light, some of it makes complete and utter sense, some of it sounds great til the very second it rolls off my tongue and then sounds nothing like it did in my head, some of it is just random nonsensical stuff that seems to have fallen off a stand up comedians cue cards and straight into the part of my psyche that prefers her own lyrics. It makes it very hard to focus on one task to completion, I even tend to put down my guitar and journal for months on end...so sad!

I must admit that I have worked my ass off to try to make some kind of sense of it all and now when I am unable to rather than let frustration take over I tend to find my random head ramblings amusing. I mean it is often a frustrated, shaking my head at myself kind of amusing but still...baby steps right? 

Sometimes the thoughts can be so intense and so rapid that its overwhelming and it takes every ounce of my strength not to scream til it stops. At its worst its almost like there are so many thoughts moving so quickly that it can sound like a constant high pitch buzz in my head. Super exhausting, and difficult to explain to those around you. People tell me to just go to sleep...ever tried sleeping with a shop vac on or inside a construction site? That would be comparable to this, plus, sleeping also isn't my forte so I’m double fucked so to speak.

The human mind and psyche intrigues me to no end. The way it works, and how the basic brain functions are the same across society yet our perception and the cogs and wheels inside each skull are as unique as our deoxyribonucleic acid. For each and every one of us, the way we tick can be vastly different from one another, from the person beside you on the bus, to that guy you’ve worked with for years to a lover or spouse and often really have no way of knowing. I mean how often do we turn to each other and say “can we talk about how your brain works?” We just take for granted that it does and don’t give it a second thought.(haha you will come to notice my love for puns)

Its the intricate differences between us that keep me interested in this self sabotaging species, I mean really, Earth doesn’t need humans to survive, in fact it may be better off without us! Who knows, what I do know is that while im here on this seemingly massive planet im going to make the most of it. 

I have a wicked sense of humour (ask anyone haha) and I enjoy messing with people (in a jovial way of course). Im talking like practical joke type of messing with people, light, innocent funny shit. I have been referred to as a brain ninja...I took it as a compliment, however, when you are on the receiving end its possible that it isnt nearly as enjoyable. I do my best not to be mean (I said I do my best, I am not perfect) cause you know, I’m no psycho, although some will attest to that statement not being true, I have honed my inner psycho and now only use her when absolutely necessary. Like if some douchelord crosses one of my angels or my grandson. Then my wrath should be feared, simple enough right? (WOW that escalated quickly! O_O)

I just do not want to waste my life, I spent so much of it not knowing how to handle daily life, assuming (naturally cause why wouldn’t I as a single child raised by someone that constantly blamed others and the world for her problems) that everyone’s mind worked the same, everybody deals with the racing and loops of thoughts you cant kick, or falls asleep with a song stuck in they’re head and wakes up and it starts again as if paused. Every morning. (Don’t drop that duh duh duh....grrr) For days! I mean doesn't everybody worry about every move they make, and lay in bed with they’re eyes closed trying to sleep and checking the clock twenty minutes later only to find SURPRISE, its been three hours! Or this relentless saviour complex I have, I can solve almost anyone's problem or at least help them find a path they are more comfy with but for years when it came to mine, I just couldn’t. This is just a few of the things i deal with or have been forced to deal with this life, Im sure i will touch on more. 

I have my children to thank for helping me learn how to deal with my version of life and not giving up on me when I know it would have been easier at times. (Dont drop that duhduhduh....ugh) I want to be honest in this blog, I pride myself on my honesty yet shy away from the darker, not so beautiful sides of who I am as if they don’t exist to the outside world. The thing is, I do not look sick, in fact I look great, besides a few extra pounds. My illness is not a physical one yet it has complete control from the inside out a lot of the time. I work very hard on a daily basis so I do not look like I am falling apart.

I feel emotions at a much higher level than the majority of humanity, I know this now. I don’t feel a lil bit of anything, if im sad, im so sad that even just being in my presence can break your heart. If something good happens and I feel a twinge of joy, I literally have to physically hold myself still sometimes cause it will surge like a lightening bolt through me and often some strange squeak comes out, fingers fully extended as if the energy just exploded form my core and out my extremities. Then, just as fast as it surges it disappears and there I am a woman bordering forty with this maniacal smile on my face like the joker and hair standing up like the professor from Back to The Future. Its quite a sight I am sure, and as much as it has been really hard to work with this side of myself I would rather be inside looking out and have to fix my hair then the onlookers forced to decide between the choice to ask if I am alright or back away slowly. Same with anger, although we have a bit of a deeper connection than other emotions, yea, thats right, we tight. Let me explain...or try;

I like to think my anger trigger point was when grandpa died, but looking back that is ridiculous, I was pissed at both my parents for what they put me through during the divorce but refused to take it out on them, they were in enough pain, they couldn't see it but i sure could.  When I am angry I scare people, I seem to fear nothing (not sure if that’s brave or not) and once I am angry there is no going back, I am completely incorrigible, illogical and refuse to listen. I have scared off men twice my size, not with violence of the physical kind, my verbal violence can be so articulated that I honestly think some people are scared to the core. I have shocked myself at times and thats not easy. Once I realized that I was growing into my version of the hulk I had to do something, I was starting to hate everyone and everything. 

I started replacing the empty yet extremely fucked up (for lack of a better word) threats with just simply making light of what it was that triggered me, albeit in an aggressive manner however it has proven effective in attempting to analyze what set me off and try to stop the rage fuelled rant.

I really wanted to give you an example but as I was trying to find one it proved difficult so im gonna call that progress. Anyway this venting became humorous to those around me, they all knew me so well that they would turn they’re heads and try not to laugh (ever been laughed at when your livid? its not cool, same as if are upset and someone says ‘calm down’ calm down, CALM DOWN?! like fuck off n all if you honestly believe im not trying, you think i wanna feel this way? like this is some kind of sick joke for me? pfft people!) in an attempt to not be caught in the crossfire of my verbal war. 

At first this angered me too (go figure, Hulkbitch) then one day, someone laughed and I took a step back and thought about what I had said and started laughing. Clearly my loved ones weren't laughing at my agony, but the words and descriptions i used to figure it out did tend to be funny. It takes a lot for me to get angry like that now, if I do tho, I still vent with sarcastic wit and make myself laugh to bring myself out of it. 

I think I have myself in line pretty well now, I guess I should give some history here, I was a very happy child on the outside but a ball of nerves within, my mother was extremely mentally ill (which i did not know til after her passing) and my father was a violent alcoholic. Luckily I was sheltered from the worst of what they put each other through as they separated when I was 2, but fought and fought and fought over me for nine years. My mum would insist dad never wanted me he just didn't want her to have me, said that I was never good enough in his eyes cause he wanted a boy. Dad, would point out the homeless lady pushing all her belongings in a shopping cart and say “hey kid, thats where your mum is headed, just you watch”. I know now they were just dealing in their own ways with what was happening between them but it really messed with me. 

My father, my daddy, quit drinking not long after the separation, i to this day believe that he did this not only for himself but for me, to show me that no matter what you can make changes, just gotta face the problem head on and deal with it so you can move past it. He was always a tough, vulgar, strong, stubborn, hilarious and short lil french man with an ego the size of Goliath. He taught me not to take shit from anyone if I believed in the topic at hand and to learn to turn a cold shoulder when needed. Emotions were not discussed, Im not even sure to this day if I can remember him ever saying I love you, but he didn’t have to, I know he did. 

Mum had her own ways of dealing over the years, she was all emotion, raw and uncut. She would always react first, think later, which meant she felt the need to apologize a lot.  For her mistake, for not being good enough, for not doing well enough this was so hard to watch. She would repeat the same self defeating patterns she had been doing her whole life and expecting things to change. Definition if insanity much? shitty part is back then they had no fucking idea what insanity was, nor did they care to look. Had someone just took her side and spoke for her she would still be here, if only she was honest with me about how sick she was, I may never have gotten as sick as I did. She thought she was protecting me...

This woman was the sun to my moon and I loved her more than words can ever express. She never believed me when I said it, she always said right up til the end that nobody ever loved her. I know this was not true cause I figured my dad wouldn't get so mad about stuff if he didn't care, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. Mum was always in and out of the hospital and it was super hush hush, I assumed she had cancer. I was petrified to lose her, so I didn’t ask questions, just waited.

The custody battle went on and on, I remember my dad pushing our 1970somthing car up the street for some reason, didn't phase me much. I just said “oh look theres my daddy, he looks mad!”. We went to Expo ‘86 in British Columbia and mum was subpoena’d to come back to the prairies for court immediately, so she had to leave her vacation just to go back and find out it was remanded.  They were both so angry all the time, I thought it was my fault...had I not been there there would be nothing left to fight about right?

Okay so divorce was finalized when I was 11...Grandma and grandpa (mums side) loved the shit out of me too, ive seen pics of gramma in the military which made sense as I grew up as to why she was so tough but she must have been retired by time I was born. They bought an old ‘70s van and converted it into beds in the back, a table and even a port a potty! They lovingly got personalized plates with my name and the number “2″ after it. They took really good care of me, always loved me and wanted what was best.

I remember around 10yrs old I realized my initials were B.S. and I was not impressed at all as not one word that came out my mouth (at that age) was BS. I was insulted and wanted it changed, plus I knew it would make mum happy if I changed my name to hers. The divorce was finalized my initials were changed to B.J....JUST in time for puberty, (woooooooo) yeah, didn't live that one down for a very long time.

My reason for bringing up my grandparents is so that you all know that aside from this somewhat bleak story thus far, I had many people that loved me, including mum and dad, they just preferred to fight about it. 

Shit, fuck, damn, I just had a memory, not a good one but I spoz thats why our brains block things out eh? I do not know how this came about, my mother was very abused growing up and it took a toll on her.  I remember mum and the  grandparents fighting, i remember gramma telling mum to get her head out of her ass and i remember trying to picture that...I was not going to be seeing them for a while til things cooled down.

Mum was sure that my grandpa had molested me, I am not going to say it didn’t happen but as far as I can recall my grandpa was the sweetest most loving man ever. anyway, mum was questioning me, yelling, badgering me and generally acting crazy i spoz, this was before I know what that looked like.  She kept asking inches from my face if he had done anything to me and i maintained that he hadn’t. Finally hours later I was tired and hungry and she was clearly still psychotic she yelled at me are you sure (for the millionth time) I finally yelled out “fine, he did it!” I had no idea what he had done, or when, cause i wasn't there i just wanted her to stop. She was making herself crazy and it broke my heart. I didn't see my grandparents again for three years. Grandpa had gone senile and was not himself, didnt remember close family members etc. When I got there, I ran in the house and we met at the doorway, me at the bottom of the entrance stairs and him at the top. I smiled, and he looked at me puzzled, then started crying, then laughing then crying. I was so glad he got to remember me. I missed him so much.

This was all before I was even a teenager. Grandpa died not long after he was put in a care home cause gramma wasn't able to care for him. His death was my first experience with such a thing, I had no way of knowing how to deal with a loss like this...so I guess I just didn’t.