#its fucking devastating that any kid is forced to go hungry

[thedisablednaturalist]

Banning LGBTQ+ content and people from the public view kills children

Refusing to teach comprehensive sex education kills children

Refusing to put limits on firearms/assault weapons kills children

Defunding social safety nets kills children

Homeschooling with no oversight kills children

Punishing staying home when sick kills children

Not masking in public kills children

Sweatshops and exploitative farming kills children

Lack of universal healthcare kills children

Banning the use of puberty blockers kills children

Forced birth kills children

Crumbling infrastructure especially in underfunded schools due to income tax cuts for the wealthy kills children

Environmental racism, climate change, and pollution kill children

Antivaxxers kill children

War kills children

Displacement kills children

Homelessness kills children

Genital mutilation of intersex babies kills children

Nuclear weapons kill children

Genocide kills children

Industrial deregulation kills children

Naturalization/assimilation kills children

Denial of amnesty kills children

Separation from family kills children

Antisemitism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia and racism kills children

Why do you only care about kids when they aren't born yet?

I know, it's because you'd rather your kid be dead than possibly go against your personal beliefs.

I know, because only certain groups of kids are dying

[trashmenofmarvel]

Branded - Chapter 29

Pairing: Demon!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky is back on Earth, summoned by a strange child.

(This is a fan AU of Falling’s Just Another Way to Fly by araniaart​ . Please check out this incredible series for all of your demon Bucky needs.)

AO3

It was cold.

Bucky was frozen, the air like a flash freeze over his skin. The warmth he’d been used to vanished as the portal closed behind him. It hurt to breathe, hurt to think. There were so many scents, overwhelming after the dry, dead air of the demon realm.

The noises pressed on his sensitive hearing: air conditions, cars driving in the distance, electric appliances and fixtures. He bent his head and covered his ears, whining, but it didn’t help.

He was accustomed to bright, endless daylight. That wasn’t the reason he squeezed his eyes shut. There’d only been one color in the world he’d escaped.

Now he was surrounded in greens and tans and blues and whites. He couldn’t see the sky; he was indoors, in a house. He couldn’t breathe. He scrambled for safety, the first spot of darkness he could find, under a twin bed. Bucky laid still, curled into a ball with his tail and wings shielding him as he trembled.

In contrast to the assault on his other senses, his sense of touch was cushioned by the carpet, so much softer than the stone floor of his cave. There wasn’t much left to his tac pants and vest, so he experienced the full effect against his skin.

Bucky nearly stretched out on it, marveling at the soft texture, but he went still. There was a second presence in the room. A pair of eyes staring at him hiding under the bed.

A human child. A girl. Couldn’t be more than ten years old.

Bucky curled himself inwards further, terrified, of what he didn’t know. Just that everything was too much and he couldn’t stop fucking shaking.

“Don’t be scared,” the little voice said. “I won’t hurt you.”

Bucky would have laughed if his abdominal muscles weren’t clenched like a vice. It was funny. Horrifying. Why wasn’t she running? Bucky hadn’t used his guise in a long time and he couldn’t summon it now, too overwhelmed to control his tenuous-grasp of magic. His wings and horns and claws were partially obscured by the shadows, but if anything, that should have made him appear more fearsome, not less.

“What’s your name?” she asked with a tilt of her head.

Bucky tried to speak but all that emerged was a choked whimper. He couldn’t even look at her he was trembling so badly. It was like a horrible withdrawal, or an adrenaline rush that wouldn’t stop. He half-wondered if he was dying, or maybe, this is what it felt like to come back to life.

“Here.”

He uncurled enough to look upwards. The girl was holding something out to him from where she knelt, peeking under the bed.

“Mr. Squiggles helps me when I’m scared,” she said with the bright confidence only a child could have. “Go on. Take him.”

Bucky stared at the stuffed animal. Its grey fur was worn, its dark eyes dull. Clearly well-loved and treasured.

He’d had a toy like that, once. A teddy bear with button eyes. He’d loved it so much, but then he and Becca had gotten sick. His parents had burned the toy, along with most of their clothing.

Even now, he could remember how upset he’d been, and how much a child’s toy meant. And this child, who’d just had a demon dropped into her bedroom, was offering it to him because he was scared.

Something surged in his chest. Gratefulness. Sorrow. A fierce protectiveness for this stupidly brave kid.

Bucky reached out to take the toy, claws shaking as he carefully wrapped his fingers around the tabby cat’s leg.

A strange sensation jolted up his arm, following by intense warmth at his shoulder, directly over his mark. And then it was gone.

“You must be hungry,” the girl whispered conspiratorially as Bucky tucked the toy against his chest. Apparently, she hadn’t noticed a thing. “I’ll get you something to eat! Stay here!”

She dashed from the room without waiting for an answer. Bucky planned to stay put, to come up with what he should do next, but at the words you must be hungry, a vast, devastating hunger hit him directly in the gut.

It wasn’t for food.

I need… I need to get out of here. His movements were panicked, clumsy as he crawled out from under the bed. I need to…

Before he could look for an escape the kid returned to the room, nearly smacking right into Bucky. He recoiled backwards away from her, putting space between them, but she only looked up in him in confusion. Then she smiled and held out the plate she carried, a sandwich perched on top. Peanut butter and blueberry jelly.

Saliva flooded his mouth as his stomach rumbled, but he dared not move any closer to her. The demon side of him had no interest in the kid, thank Christ for that, but he was still terrified of hurting her. He was designed to be a living weapon, after all. Not exactly child-friendly.

He just wished the kid would get the memo.

“Go on,” she said, smiling brightly. “Take it. I promised I wouldn’t hurt you.”

Hysterical laughter threatened to burst out of him. It was like a baby kitten trying to soothe and comfort a lion. Bucky towered over her, his wings and horns still on full display, but she just stared up at him with wonder and awe. No sense of self-preservation at all.

Figuring he would at least address one of his hungers, he took the plate from her as if it was a live grenade. Satisfied, she beamed up at him and then went to close her bedroom door.

“I don’t think my friends are coming back, they all ran away when that blue portal appeared. That’s what that was, right? And you’re a demon?”

Bucky choked on the first bite of sandwich he took.

“That’s what I thought.” She nodded sagely, the ribbons of her ridiculous pigtails flapping with the movement. “I told them I could do magic, but they didn’t believe me. Bet they will now!”

Her face fell a little as she looked past Bucky, and she mumbled, “Mom is definitely going to ground me.”

Bucky followed her gaze to the open closet doors. Extinguished black candles were scattered on the carpet surrounding what appeared to be a charred spirit board. But what really drew Bucky’s eye was the state of the closet door and the back of the closet itself: charred as if there had recently been a fire. He could still smell the stench of sulfur, and he shivered. He would not miss that place, that was for sure.

Quickly scarfing down the food—when had Bucky last had a good, ol’ fashioned PB&J?—he eyed the kid warily. She kept talking about magic and how her mother always blamed her for things catching on fire around the house, but it wasn’t her fault. On and on she went, as if she was talking to another human being and not a six-foot tall demon. She was way too damn calm for being face-to-face with the occult, but then again, she seemed like a weird kid to begin with.

He kept waiting for the voice to chime in with its opinion, but it had been silent since Bucky came through the portal. He frowned. It had promised it would be here, so where was it?

Bucky sighed and turned his attention back to the small chatterbox.

“What’s your name, kid?”

She told him, proudly and without hesitation. Definitely too trustworthy. What would have happened if it was one of those other demons that had gotten through?

He frowned further, troubled as he looked around her room. He couldn’t see anything suspicious, but the stink of other demons was still pungent to Bucky’s sensitive nose.

“Did you see anything else come through besides me?” he asked.

The kid finally lost some of her spunk as she looked down at the carpet, gripping her denim overalls tightly in her hands.

“Hey,” Bucky said, voice softer. “You’re not in trouble.”

It was strange, the more he talked to her the less anxious he was. Already he had stopped trembling and shaking, though his senses were still reeling from the influx of earthy smells and loudness of civilization.

She nodded slowly and looked past Bucky. He turned to see what she was looking at now, and this time it was her open window. They were on the second story, and it was dark outside.

“Lot of things, but they ran away. They weren’t like you.” She swallowed and gripped her clothes tighter. “They were scary.”

So, she wasn’t as unaffected as Bucky thought. Her voice was unsteady, and the smell of fear was unmistakable. Kids weren’t supposed to see things like this. Like Bucky.  She seemed fine now, but what about when she tried to sleep tonight? What about years from now when people told her she was crazy and she couldn’t trust her own memories?

Didn’t seem right. Not for a kid, and especially not one that had saved his life. Bucky didn’t know how she’d done it, but he was proof positive that magic, or something like it, was real.

Bucky turned back to look at her, sadness weighing heavily on him like a physical thing. He didn’t want her to be afraid, or worse, harmed by what had happened. Would the demons come back to this place or would they prey on other unsuspecting targets? Either way, he swore he would hunt them down. It was a small price to pay to come back to life.

But first, there was the matter of the girl. He couldn’t leave her like this, with such dangerous knowledge in her head.

As Bucky moved to give her back the plate, something deep and instinctual within him rose to the surface. The girl extended her hand and he dropped the plate, grabbed her arm and pulled her forward. Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open, but Bucky’s other hand cradled her cheek as he pressed his thumb directly between her brows.

A jolt went up his arm and through his hand, straight down his thumb and into her thoughts, her memories. Surprise mixed with horror when he sensed the memories she had just created, of him and the demons and the portal, were obliterated from her mind. Just as the Chair had done to him.

Bucky released her, shocked by what he’d just done, and then was forced to rush forward as the girl started to collapse. Fearing the worst, Bucky felt along her head and neck, but she was breathing, slowly and deeply as if she’d just fallen asleep. Her face was smooth and untroubled, too innocent for what she’d experienced.

Holding her carefully, Bucky carried her and laid her down on the bed. Not knowing what else to do, he pulled the covers over her, hoping if her family came in and found her they would think she was simply asleep. She was asleep, Bucky was coming to realize. Whatever power he’d wielded had done this, and perhaps it was a small mercy she wasn’t conscious for it, but it still made him sick down to his bones.

When she woke up, she wouldn’t remember any of it, including Bucky. Perhaps… that was for the best.

With one last lingering look, Bucky strode across the room to the open window. Under the cover of darkness, he leapt from the ledge and opened his wings, catching the air and flapping as hard as he could to gain altitude.

It wasn’t until he was high in the air with the lights glittering below him that he realized his claws were still wrapped around the stuffed cat. He’d have to return it at some point, but for now, he had other, more pressing problems.

One, Bucky was starving. He was so hungry he could barely think, as if all his years of being dormant were catching up to him. The pain of it was consuming, racking his body and making him shudder midair.

And two… he had yet to hear the voice again. It filled him with emptiness, his pleas going unanswered, but he couldn’t say he was surprised. Maybe he’d gone crazy in that place. Most men would have. He was just disappointed to have been proven right, and the voice hadn’t been real after all.

He couldn’t think about any of that right how. First things first: Bucky had to feed.

Next Chapter

[scandeniall]

dream big baby

pairing:  Tōru Oikawa x reader

Where Oikawa is leaving soon and you spend your last few days together. Inspired by ‘My Wish’ by Rascal Flatts 

warnings: manga spoilers, profanity, the author’s note talks about some important things.

wc: 2060

7 days until takeoff

“How’s the packing going?” You eye the messy bedroom, from the doorway. It looks like a tornado has gone through it. Buried under the covers is a familiar brunette who looks like he’s doing the opposite of packing. Then you spot another man, sitting on a desk chair just playing on his phone. 

“Hey Iwaizumi, What’s Oikawa doing.” Your question causes a chuckle to erupt. “He said and I quote, fuck packing I’m napping.” You sigh stepping in and over the open suitcase that had clothes thrown on top and not actually folded. “He knows he’s moving halfway across the world in like a week right.” You shift your focus over to the lump in the bed, slightly shaking the man. “Tōru, c’mon wake up love. 

“I said I’d wake him up when you got here.” You nod, as Oikawa doesn’t even budge at your light shaking. “Did he even get anything done.” Your gaze follows Iwaizumi’s finger as it points to a single duffel bag. “Volleyball stuff.” You move out the way smirking as your friend aims a foam volleyball at Oikawa to wake him up. You won it on some carnival date, opting to give it to Oikawa as your way of displaying interest in his passions. The ball hits his back with a thump that causes the groggy setter to sit up. “Iwa, you said I could take a nap.”

“Yeah, until (Y/N) got here. Now it’s time to get off your ass so you can actually pack.” The mention of your name, caused Oikawa to turn towards your figure sitting on his bed. “Hey lovely,” you lean in to meet his waiting lips in a greeting. Once you pull away you stand up reaching for his hand. “C’mon. Me and Iwa are both here to help you.” The former ace sighs agreeing, not that he genuinely minded. “I’m gonna sell everything you leave here. How much do you think your old jersey will be worth.”

“Sell it or, sleep with it every night because you’re gonna miss me that much.”

“You can’t go to Argentina soon enough Shittykawa.”

5 days until take off

“Go Oikawa,” you cheer, watching the now graduated third years play a pickup game along with some of the underclassmen. You're sitting on the top of his car along with one of your friends. “Is he excited?” You release a content sigh before nodding. “He is. Tries to hide just how excited, but I see through it.” “Whew! Nice kill Iwa,” you shift your phone’s camera to the guys, panning over the park area. ‘Last game with the boys :(’. The two of you continue talking, occasionally yelling over at some other friends from their spots on their cars. As the boys take a break, you hand Oikawa his bottle of water. One you had gotten him over a year ago. Filled with random stickers that he frowned at when you first started putting them on the bottle. Now, he refuses to go out without it. “How are you guys getting your asses kicked this bad. You've only been out of school a month. Don’t tell me you boys lost it already”

“Kindaichi wasn’t that good at blocking a month ago,” Oikawa insists

“Maybe we could’ve gone to nationals if he was.” The tease from Hanamaki causes your group to laugh. Sure that reality was painful at the moment, but time heals wounds. Your presence around your quiet boyfriend was all that he needed. Just knowing you were there was enough. Despite the devastation, the stars ultimately aligned. Fresh graduates and now all of you are going your separate ways to pursue your own dreams.

“Hey let's take a picture. Just us old third years. For the memories,” you say hopping off the car and gathering around your friends and before calling one of the other boys over. “Hey Kindaichi, come take our picture.”

“Why are we taking it on your phone, I’m the one leaving first”

“Aw, Toru you're going to miss us. I’m touched,” The wipe of a fake tear is met with a scoff as your boyfriend’s arm pulls you towards him, his arm falling over your shoulder. The picture has Mattsun and Makki jokingly mocking the two of you, with Iwaizumi and your friend both in the center, acting as the only normal ones. It becomes Oikawa’s phone background. 

3 days until takeoff

Your eyes flutter shut at the night sky, inhaling the night air. It would be peaceful, had it not been for the bickering of your friends beside you.”Iwa I don’t know why you wouldn’t still love me if I were an alien.”

“Because you're a fucking alien idiot. Not human.”

“But what if I’m an alien disguised as a human. I can help bring humans and aliens together.”

You sit up at that comment, looking between the two, eyebrows raised. “So you want two species to hate you.” The two guys pause, looking at one another before bursting out in laughter. Their laughter causes you to laugh as well as you marvel at Oikawa.The moon reflects in his eyes, and his laugh is genuine. Its one that reaches his eyes, and it's a version of Oikawa that took you awhile to unearth.The one hidden behind the cocky comments, and condescending smiles. The one that cares deeply for his friends, and is actually kind of funny. “You're so mean to me (Y/N).” The way he reaches for your hand to intertwine your fingers shows that he's anything but serious. The three of you settle into a silence, focusing your attention on the night sky.

“Oi, Oikawa. Promise me something.” The two of you eye your friend, before nodding. “When you get to Argentina, don’t stop helping others alright. Keep pushing them to do their best.”

“Of course. I'm going to beat everyone after all.”

“Good. Now don’t fuck up out there.”

1 day until takeoff

“You know I love you right.” Fingers gently brush up and down your arm. You only look up, from your spot on Oikawa’s chest. “You’re not breaking up with me now that you're gonna go be some hot shot volley boy.” “Of course not. Just wanted to let you know.” You nod before returning the sentiment. The two of you had been cuddled up for the latter half of the day. After getting breakfast with a few of his friends, he invited you over to spend his last full night with.

There was a weird and indescribable feeling in the air. A tension due to not knowing what's next. He felt it, and you felt it. You wondered who would’ve been the first to crack, and it looks like it's you. “I’m proud of you Toru.” The hand that was trailing came to a stop as he sighed. “I’m gonna miss you a lot.” You tease about missing yourself to be met with a groan about trying to be serious. 

“What are we going to do (Y/N)?” You sit up so that the two of you are sitting side by side. “What do you mean? You're going to chase your dreams and I’ll be right here in your corner. Always.” The flicker of uncertainty in his eyes doesn’t go unnoticed causing you to reach for his hand. 

“Oikawa look at me.” The firmness of your voice even catches you off guard. You could tell by the smirk on his face that he had a fleeting thought of saying something dirty before choosing not to. “Stop worrying so much and focus on all though dreams you have locked away in that giant ego of yours-“

“Hey!”

“It’s time to close this door baby and open another one. Fortunately for you, me and even Iwa are coming through this door with you.” He nods as one of his hands rests on your cheek. You lean forward stopping right before your lips meet “Fortunately for me or fortunately for you two” At that a pillow against his head ends up being the only thing he meets. 

0 Days until takeoff

The somber drive causes you to sniffle. He’s really leaving you. No it’s no forever, and yes you had plans to visit in a few months but it’s not the same. Who’s going to call you up at 3 am to drag you to McDonalds because he’s hungry and a Iwaizumi blocks his number at night. Or motivates you to actually be productive by using his weird reverse psychology intimidation strategy. Or to force you to watch any alien movie that comes out, even the really bad low budget ones and talk shit about them with you. 

“I’m glad Iwa didn’t cry. I don't think I could've handled you both going soft on me.” His own tone is laced in sadness, his grip on the suitcase tighter than it usually would’ve been. Nonetheless you appreciate his attempt. “You’re a dick, you know that.” The two of you walk alongside the relatively empty airport. You were only slightly glad he had an early morning flight, because your exhaustion was one of the only things helping you keep your composure. You were too sleepy to really cry, at least right now. 

“You didn’t say that last night,” he sticks his own tongue out causing you to roll his eyes. “I can't believe you’re really going to Argentina idiot,” the words come out in a watery laugh before you can even stop them. “I’m so proud of you though.”

“Baby,” the sudden halt and your words are further interrupted by being pulled into a tight embrace. The slight dampness on your shoulder letting you know he had started tearing up too. The two of you stand there a few moments before he pulls away, a calmer look in his eyes. “If Iwa saw us right now he’d be disgusted. Now cheer up.” You laugh in agreement, leaning up for a kiss. 

“Before I forget, here” you hand him an envelope and he just looks, before taking it with a wave of his hand. “A love letter. What are you? A fan?” The tease is laced with adoration as he presses a kid against the crown of your hair. “It’s everything I couldnt think to say aloud shittykawa. Don’t open it up I leave though. It’s embarrassing,” you groan placing your hands on his chest. “How cute.” His lips come back down towards yours, this time more forceful. The hands that were hanging at his side now interlocked against your waist pulling you closer to him. All thoughts of the two of you being in some random airport hallway gone as your tongue finds its way into his mouth and you Before aware of his tightening grip on your waist. 

“A love letter. And a goodbye kiss like that. My lucky day huh,” Oikawa pants out, eyes shining. 

“Only because you're leaving,” you smile, breathing heavier as well. “Imagine when we see each other again in a few months.” His laugh causes you to smile even more. “That thought is the only thing going to get me through”

——

The text is the first thing you wake up. 

“I read your letter and I just wanted to tell you that I’m so fucking in love with you. I miss you already and I can't wait to hear your pretty voice. Hope you slept well (without me) and call me when you wake up. Love you”

-----

Dear Shittykawa,

First off I love you. I’m so proud of you for chasing your dreams. Never ever forget your pride because it’s your biggest weapon baby. Now I have a few wishes for you. I hope that life becomes all that you want it to. You may suck on the outside but you deserve it. I hope that Your dreams stay big, and  your worries stay small. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, call me or Iwa or your mom. I don’t care. Anytime of the day or night and I’ll be there. You never need to carry more than you can hold. Lastly I hope you know that someone (aka me) loves you more than all the stars in the sky. I want great things for you.  So while you’re busy doing great things. Remember that. See you in 4 months my love. 

-(Y/N)

A/N:  Ok hi guys this authors note is really just here to please ask you all to support black lives matter. Please keep up with the news because this time it’s different. They are continuing to kill us. Support your black friends. Check in on them mentally. Use your privilege to make a difference. Those pledges you keep seeing? SIGN THEM. DONATE if you can (but not to change/./com). EDUCATE yourself on what you can do. This is becoming a culmination of hundreds of years of hurt and oppression. In a better generational perspective: from Rodney King and the LA riots in the 90s to YESTERDAY where a black peaceful protester was shot and killed. 19 years old. Couldn't even legally buy a drink and theyre dead. We’re tired of dying. We’re tired of that thought in the back of our mind of “this could be me or my loved one. Just another hashtag” so please when all the major coverage of this stops don’t just brush this under the rug. Keep sharing smaller news coverage, tweets, etc. and lastly; please STOP with the “I’m glad I’m not in America” type of comments because i guarantee you. Your country is racist as hell too. It’s just not caught on camera and you as a non black person don’t notice it. If you choose to stay silent, you’ve picked your side. . Anyways if you read this thank you!

[kyberled]

Bird Headcanon Prompts!

@theshaark​ asked:

Falcon- what is your muse's biggest accomplishment? Do they like to show it off, or keep it to themselves?

That’s a tough one, and not just because he doesn’t like gloating about himself. He also just has a completely different metric than I do for a ‘great accomplishment’. So, I’m going to put a couple things (some he considers, and some I do) and talk about each of them a little bit. (Barring various battles he’s proud of, because if we include those, it’d be even longer than it already is.)

First is being chosen as a Jedi to begin with. He doesn’t consider this a  great accomplishment, as he doesn’t think he did anything, but he is proud of what he is. He won’t flaunt it, though. Or - he won’t flaunt it often. He doesn’t think being a Jedi makes him better than others, of above them in any sense. Jedi are servants of the Force, after all. ... That being said, if he needs to pull rank to get something done, it is quite useful.

Second is getting his crystals. This one, he’s pretty proud of. Given that it’s a pretty common thing for Jedi - as in, every Jedi does it - he doesn’t brag about it. ... Not often, at least. He is very proud of his sabers, and will talk about them at length if asked. I’m talking hours upon hours. It’s one of his ‘things’. He is very proud of the colour, but he won’t usually show it off unless it’s in jest. His best friend Hano was the other member of their group who found an unusual crystal during the Gathering. Every now and again, the rest of their group will ask them ‘what makes them so special’, and they’ll light up their sabers and make a show of strutting around. It’s just a joke for them, though, and usually leads to some good-natured sparring and playfighting.

Third is being chosen as Obi-Wan’s padawan. This is huge for him. He thought he wasn’t going to get picked, and there were reasons for this. Some of which Rodi and I recently discussed over Discord and I’m still giggling about, but Braig doesn’t know them. He’s very proud of his status, though, and adores his master whole-heartedly. He does sort of show this off, but in a different way. Obi-Wan is canonically loved by other members of the Order. He’s basically a celebrity. This means, when Braig is on nursery/creche duty, he entertains the kids with stories about his master. Sometimes he embellishes them, just a bit. This is also just because he knows how hard Obi-Wan works. He knows how much his dad suffers for the Order. He also knows Obi-Wan will never ask for acknowledgement; that’s not who he is. Braig just thinks his master ought to be appreciated. So, if the kids start clamoring for tales of Master Kenobi’s latest exploits, well, who is he to say no?

Then learning Vapaad. This is something he’s very proud of, but doesn’t actually employ especially often. @nieithryn​ and I have been talking about it for a while (mostly because we’re both messes about Grandpa Mace and his tiny grandson), but, Vapaad is interesting. It’s not just a fighting style. In the words of Shatterpoint, it’s a mindset. And it can mess you up bad if you’re not careful. Like, really bad. Like, ‘the Force tried to get Mace Windu to kill a child’ bad. He doesn’t, because Mace Windu is a good person, but the Force does tell him ‘he drew a knife on you, stab him’ and Mace almost has to say ‘no, he’s like, ten, we’re not doing that’. The Force also told him, ‘hey, you could kill this entire enemy force, and it wouldn’t even be hard’. That one took a bit more effort for him to be like ‘well, yeah, I could, but I shouldn’t and won’t’.

(Fuck it, this is a Vapaad essay now.)

Now, this is in part because Korun (the planet Mace was on) is naturally steeped in the Dark side, but also because Vapaad involves the user letting themselves tap into the Dark. Now, here’s the thing: I’ve always considered the Force to be alive and sentient. It is ancient and it is hungry, and its morals aren’t our morals. It’ll get in your head and drag you down and tear you apart. It does not care. Additionally, I don’t really think of it as a black and white sort of deal. It’s a gradient, not a light switch. It’s also extremely easy to fall into the Dark and not be let go. Braig, as a Jedi, knows this. That doesn’t make it any easier to handle. The Jedi don’t dabble in the Dark side often. Those that do can struggle to come back. The dark will dig its claws in and rip you apart mentally and physically to serve its purpose. Just look at some of the noteworthy Darksiders, in both Legends and canon; they all end up as warped echoes of who they were before. Braig has heard this enough times to know about it pretty damn well. The dark side is scary. And, as proud of my boy as I am, as hard as he works, he’s not a master. He’s not even a knight. He’s a teenage padawan. There is no possible way for him to have the mental clarity of a Jedi master. Both because he doesn’t have the training or experience, not by half, but also, because teenage brains are still developing. Again, it is literally impossible for him to have the control Mace does. And there are times Mace struggles with the Vapaad mindset.

Liz and I (and Rodi, here and there) have discussed Braig’s Vapaad training a lot. It starts when he’s thirteen - at about the same time he’s chosen as a padawan. Sometimes this is instead of ‘standard’ saber classes, sometimes this is instead of one of the blocks of self-guided practice he’s supposed to have. The training is usually split into two sections: The first is actually  training in Vapaad, the movements and philosophy and applications, and the second is coming down from it. It usually involves things like tea, meditation, naps, gentle conversation, guided breathing, and physical affection (eg hugs), as it’s all things that help ground Braig and help him get into a better mindset. And that’s all well and good in training. It’s fine in the Temple. It doesn’t work so well in battle. The older he gets, the more comfortable he might be with falling into the Vapaad mindset in combat, but - especially as a teenager - he considers it a last-resort option only. It’s too risky for him. The dark side scares him, and for good reason. One of the sifu I regularly train with (sifu Sam, for those who’ve been around a while) once told me that, if you do not fear a weapon, you are not ready to use it. It’s often called a ‘healthy fear’. It’s what keeps you from messing around with a weapon, being irresponsible, and getting hurt. Vapaad is devastating. The movements of someone who falls into Vapaad are described as “not blinding, but invisible” with the italics in-text. It is brutal and ruthless and possibly the deadliest form there is, but, of course, there’s the flip side that most Vapaad users have fallen to the dark, and not many of them are able to come back. Braig might incorporate some of the movements of Vapaad into his average fighting style, but, like I said, he’d only consider actually using it as a last resort, life or death sort of thing. When he’s training with Mace, he can sit down afterwards, have a cup of tea, and take a moment to breathe to get away from the viciousness of the Force. You don’t get that on a battlefield, especially when your adrenaline is rushing, and there’s an army of adrenaline-charged Mandos with you, and you might be hurt, or tired, or someone you love might be hurt or tired or worse, who knows? You don’t necessarily get time to breathe. He’s scared of what might happen if he can’t come down in time, or at all - he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

That’s not to say he isn’t proud of learning Vapaad. He’s extremely proud, mostly  because of how few people are actually taught the form, but also because he gets to learn it from one of the people who created it. That’s a huge deal to him, he thinks it’s awesome. He just doesn’t think it’s appropriate for him to go bragging about it (especially because of how dangerous he quickly realizes it can be) - might make him seem like an unworthy student, too, which he doesn’t want. It’s similar to his sabers, wherein his friends might teasingly ask when they get to learn Vapaad, and he’d respond with a cheeky ‘uh, never’, but he’d never seriously gloat about it.

The Vapaad talk leads into his next ‘greatest accomplishment’: Killing General Grau Tessk. This is the first time Braig takes a life. It’s not the first time he’s seen anyone die, mind; he’s a medic. It’s a war. He’s seen a lot of men die. A lot of friends die. Either they died in combat, or, almost worse for his emotional wellbeing, they died on the way to or in the med tent. Sometimes they’re civilians. War isn’t pretty, it isn’t merciful. It takes until there’s nothing left to take, or you stop it. Or  both. It’s usually both. So yes, Braig has seen people die. He’s just never killed before.

The Separatist army uses battle droids. Whether or not they’re sentient - that’s an ongoing discussion in the fandom at large - they’re not alive. They’re robots. They don’t generate a presence in the Force. You don’t feel it when they ‘die’. Heck, one of the droids in the Ryloth arc even mentions that some units (older ones) are run from a central computer, so if a droid does have a consciousness, cutting down the body might not even ‘kill’ the consciousness.

It’s different killing a person. You can feel them die. You can feel  their presence sever from the Force (especially when you’re trained as a medic). Braig, like all Jedi, have been taught the value of life since he was old enough to understand. All life is of equal and immeasurable value.

And he just killed someone.

He doesn’t even remember a lot of it, even if it were something to brag about. Part of that is just the physical state he was in at the time: Tired, worn down, sleep deprived, malnourished, and, right, he’d just taken a lightsaber to the face. He wasn’t doing well. He’s been well-trained, but we’ve seen in canon that the styles he uses (the ones Obi-Wan uses) don’t do well with negative emotions. That’s why Maul and Savage beat the hell out of him. Vapaad isn’t like that. Vapaad takes every last drop of anger and fear and everything that you have and turns them not into bullets, but into nuclear armaments. Scorched earth. Additionally, so few people actually study Vapaad that most Separatists - even Grievous, who is trained in being able to learn and copy saber styles - don’t know anything about it, including how to defend. Tessk has fought Jedi before. Tessk hadn’t fought Vapaad before. If it wasn’t for that, there’s a very good chance Braig might have been the one to die instead of our dear general. It wasn’t a clean death in any sense; Tessk ended up in multiple parts. Personally, I think he had it coming, but Braig is a Jedi, and the idea that he killed someone shook him up terribly. It didn’t help that, as I’ve mentioned, it’s hard to get out of the mindset Vapaad requires. Kriss and Boone helped him out of the area, but there was definitely a good few minutes where they were trying to get Braig to talk to them and Vapaad/the Force was going ‘you don’t want to be touched, you want to be safe, you need to kill these people’ and Braig had to take a few breaths to remind himself that, no, Kriss and Boone are friends (or, at the least, he respected Kriss as an ally, but their weird are-they-aren’t-they-friends isn’t the topic here), and he REALLY didn’t want to hurt anyone else, especially not them. It came too close for comfort, though, and definitely spooked him pretty bad. I don’t know if he ever talked about it with the two of them - I’m not sure he could - but it’s definitely something he wants to talk about with Grandpa Mace, so here’s my reminder to bother Liz some time in the future.

If you couldn’t guess, no, he doesn’t brag about this. He feels awful about it. He expects to be punished. Jedi don’t kill. Jedi aren’t executioners. He killed someone. He took a life. He omits a lot of things in the official reports he files - including the real cause of Mal’s death - but doesn’t omit the fact that he cut down Tessk. If asked, he’d say that he accepts whatever punishment the Council deems fit. Of course, all of the grown-ups he’s discussed it with - including those on the Council - tell him, uh, no, you’re not in trouble, that was self-defense, you didn’t have a choice, but. It doesn’t really sink in. Yes, he had a choice, he thinks. He made the wrong one. Tessk should have stood trial. He would’ve been declared guilty easily, sure, but he should have stood trial. Even the notion that there would’ve been no way for them to hold Tessk until the Republic arrived doesn’t sit well for him. It translates into ‘I killed him because it was convenient’. Again, it... It takes him a while. He doesn’t really accept it until at least a good few months, if not a year or more, later.

Then we have surviving Order 66. This is huge. He’s one of the few Jedi who survive. He just... Doesn’t always want to be. Remember, he’s only seventeen when the purge happens. He’s still a child. He can’t even vote yet. And - in the ‘canon’ timeline - he deals with the genocide of his people alone. He has friends he eventually runs into and shacks up with, sure, but the earlier part of his developmental years were spent fighting a war, and the later end of that period was spent escaping a genocide. You can see why he doesn’t feel like celebrating. He doesn’t show this one off, either, because if anyone knew he was a Jedi, he’d be hunted down in the streets and shot. He gets a bit more bold with what he is once he’s situated with the Rebellion, but, before that? It’s best to just be safe.

I would also put his journal among one of his greatest accomplishments, though it’s not quite so grandiose. It’s something he’s kept since he was thirteen years old. He never really ‘finishes’ it until he knows he’s about done in life - his mid 220′s - and just digitized old pages and bought new ones (yes, it’s flimsi, he’s very attached to it). It has notes on everything from missions, to classes, to day to day life, to saber forms; reminders jotted in the margins about assignments or shopping lists, tic-tac-toe games, riddles Obi-Wan wrote in the corners, hangman games, linguistic notes, drawings, blueprints for lightsabers, botanical notes for plants and flowers he’s pressed... He always means to organize them better, and perhaps does later on, but in the end, it’s hard to present it as anything more than it is: Just a journal. It remains one of the only truthful records of the Jedi Order, though, and he will - after the Empire falls, of course - gladly share its content with anyone who asks. (... Maybe not some of the more covert or dangerous information, though.)

In a happier time, he becomes a knight, and he is very proud of that; years and years later, he becomes a master, as well. I’ve had multiple people suggest he sit on the Council, someday, and I think - when he was older and more experienced - he’d be happy to. He’s a terror about it, always scrutinizing everything he can, but what he does, he does out of love for the Order and those who comprise it, and faith in what they can be.

But above all, the thing he is most proud of at the end of his days - regardless of timeline - are his students, his children, his padawans. Whether his lineage continues on first through Tet (also at @nieithryn​) in the ‘canon’ timeline, or he starts first with his puffawan F’lurr ( @strcngered​ ) before the blueberry son in a happier life and continues on with others like them, he’s so proud of them. He firmly believes they’ll be better than he ever was, and is so glad of that. They make him happy, they frustrate him at times and make him laugh when he thought he couldn’t. Things like watching Tet grow in confidence from the scared little one huddling in the corner of an Imperial ship’s holding bay to a capable and strong diplomat, watching F’lurr sprout and find their stride among some of the best swordsmen the Order has ever known, that’s what shows him everything he’s been through was worth it. (Sorry, T’raa, sorry, Tholme, his dandelion, now.) (Not sorry to the ‘Kosu parents, meet him behind Dex’s at dawn for a shebskicking.) They’re his legacy, they’re the legacy of every Jedi in his own lineage, they’re the legacy of the Order as a whole, and he’s so, so proud of them.

He just really fuckin’ loves his kids, guys. (But I’ve written about that before, and a lot here, so I’ll cut this off before I make my own muse cry.)

[thecloserkin]

book review: Meg Rosoff, How I Live Now (2004)

Genre: Young Adult

Is it the main pairing: yes

Is it canon: yes

Is it explicit: no

Is it endgame: yes

Is it shippable: yes

Bottom line: It finally happened, I broke my own “no cousincest—in this house we turn the TABOO dial up to eleven” rule. In my defense this book is gobsmackingly good.

Lately I’ve been mulling on the difference between books about teenagers and books for teenagers. This one is the former, and a joy to reread as an adult. Our American heroine Daisy is sent across the pond to live with her British cousins; a war breaks out; details are scant but who cares about the war, she starts fucking one of the cousins. She describes it as “falling into sexual and emotional thrall” she said THRALL I am living for it. On a scale from “pure” to “problematic” this ship is almost all light and no darkness—what darkness menaces our protagonists emanates from outside the charmed circle of their big ol’ farmhouse and their sheepdogs and their goat:

The real truth is that the war didn’t have much to do with it except that it provided a perfect limbo in which two people who were too young and too related could start kissing without anything or anyone making us stop. There were no parents, no teachers, no schedules. There was no where to go and nothing to do that would remind us that this sort of thing didn’t happen in the Real World. There no longer was any Real World.

The notion of carving out an idyll where you & the object of your desire spend all day doing nothing but drink each other up? It’s attractive even for those of us conducting mundane relationships in the “real” world. Maybe especially for those of us in the real world, where we compartmentalize our relationships and no one person can fill every filament in our universe. Daisy’s cousins live a cloistered life in the countryside and within a week she’s saying stuff like “I felt like I’d belonged to this house for centuries.” Which is an awfully dramatic way of saying she never felt like she belonged in New York. She doesn’t just fall for Cousin Edmond; she falls for the whole telepathic dog-whispering cousinly clan and their big anarchist energy. When Daisy, an only child, says “I had about as much experience with sex and boyfriends as I did with brothers and sisters,” she is intentionally conflating romantic and familial relationships and I am 1000% here for it. Sure it’s technically cousincest but it feels claustrophobic and codependent and everything I want out of an incest ship.

Every step of Daisy’s obsessive infatuation is chronicled with agonizing tenderness:

I wondered if that’s the feeling you’re supposed to have when your cousin touches a totally innocent part of your anatomy that’s fully clothed.

that’s right it’s the thought and the intention and the pining behind the touch, not the bare fact of physical contact.

Things were so intense I was sure that other people could hear the hum coming off of us.

Imagine desire rising like mist from the surface of one’s skin. And the “other people” part of the equation is important, because it’s the sneaking around behind the other kids’ backs that gives urgency to their coupling:

we started sleeping most of the daylight hours so we could be awake at night when everyone else was in bed … Then we would sleep for a little while and eventually reappear and try to act normal

But what is “normal”? There are no adults and no rules; nothing is forbidden save that they themselves deem it so. What then explains Daisy’s conviction that this is “not a good idea”? Why shroud their affair in secrecy if the most powerful reaction they provoke from smol!cousin who learns about Daisy/Edmond is “Well I’m glad you love him because I do too”? That’s pretty anticlimactic given the lengths Daisy & Edmond have gone to be stealthy. It also emphasizes (in case we’ve forgotten that Daisy has both no siblings and no boyfriends) how romantic & familial attachments spring from a common source. I think what the text is getting at here is that it’s dangerous to put all your eggs in one basket the way Daisy puts all hers in Edmond. It’s dangerous and unhealthy to make one person your whole world, as we see later when Daisy comes to much grief. At no point, however, does she regret her decision.

we could try and try to get enough of each other but it was llike some witch’s curse where the more we tried to stop being hungry the more starving we got.

That’s a hard-hitting simile right there. The thing about curses in fairy tales is they don’t always do what they’re designed to do; frequently they accomplish different ends entirely. If we look at what Daisy’s insatiable hunger for Edmond is displacing we note that Daisy is no stranger to the feeling of constant, gnawing, unsatiated hunger because Daisy has an eating disorder. In her own words:

at first not wanting to get poisoned by my stepmother and how much it annoyed her and how after a while I discovered I liked the feeling of being hungry and the fact that it drove everyone stark raving mad and cost my father a fortune in shrinks and also it was something I was good at.

…which is just about the world’s most cogent account of eating disorders as quests for control & autonomy. By the end of the novel she no longer experiences hunger as “a punishment or a crime or a weapon or a mode of self-destruction” and that's something, anyway.

Y’all know I’m a big skimmer right? I mention this because I want you to take my full meaning when I say I read every single word of this (very short) novel. The syntax helped—most sentences are structured like so: “… and …. and … and then …” but it was engrossing af and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone use Ironic Capitalization to such devastating effect. The stylistic choice to use zero dialogue brackets means Daisy’s thoughts and Edmond’s thoughts (Edmond’s a telepath) and external action and internal commentary all run together. I didn’t find this confusing btw I just found it extremely effective.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

Daisy and Edmond are separated at about the one-third mark and she spends the remainder of the book trying to get back to him, traversing a war-torn countryside with Edmond’s smol!sister and his dog in tow (since Daisy is a city girl who can’t even read a compass, maybe it’s more accurate to say smol!cousin + dog have Daisy in tow):

I guess the difference between Gin and me is that when Gin got shut in the barn she thought Edmond didn’t love her anymore but because I could feel Edmond out there somewhere always loving me I didn’t have to howl all night.

The parallel between Edmond’s girl and Edmond’s dog is not an idle one. There’s consistent strain of anticapitalist sentiment that runs through this book, that comes out most strongly in the relationships between Daisy’s cousins and their animals. Some military junta appropriates the farmhouse and displaces Daisy, her cousins, and the menagerie of animals that depend on them—that’s how Edmond and Daisy become separated, they’re “relocated.” The army is hierarchal and in wartime, the army is in charge. By contrast, Daisy’s cousins model a nonhierarchical kind of relationship with their animals, a relationship based on reciprocal obligations rather than dominating other people. “At times,” professes Daisy, “I thought I was more animal than human.” In other words, human beings live under an absolutely barbaric system, and it’s often more “humane” to behave like animals. It’s Edmond’s sheepdog who proves key to Daisy’s successful escape. City girl Daisy still can’t wrap her head around it:

one of the things I most dislike about nature, namely that the rules are not at all precise. Like when Piper says I’m pretty sure that mushrooms aren’t poisonous.

But nature’s strength lies precisely in the fuzziness of its rules! It encourages interdependence & reliance on others, rather than trying to go it alone as an atomized individual. So surviving on the run actually forces one to prioritize community (however you define it) over individual, which has salutary effects on Daisy, who reports “Somewhere along the way I’d lost the will not to eat.” She’s defeated her eating disorder, that’s good news. Unfortunately, Edmond and Daisy are not even reunited before she’s expelled from England and shipped back to America for Reasons. Dw she comes back! As soon as the borders reopen she comes back:

The soldier had stamped my passport FAMILY in heavy black capital letters and I checked it now for reassurance because I liked how fierce the word looked.

Very powerful passage but now for the ending. Let’s not talk about that ending. I don’t know why I called this a good book I am still incredulous we got THAT ending after everything we went through brb I’m suing Meg Rosoff for emotional damages

[tiffany-loves-broadway]

Characters from Worm and Ward as @dril_gpt2 tweets

Wildbow: i wrote the post. sorry everyone.

Emma:  You fucking worm. Youre a foul, stinking rat. Fanart is pure garbage.

Skitter, pre-Leviathan:  my followers are wasting my time by asking me stupid shit like "where is my worm hole" and "where is my piss hole"

Tattletale:  13 Reasons Why Sasquatch Is Real

Bitch:  you know society is ASS-FUCKED when people spend tens of millions of dollars to maim and disfigure their dogs in an effort to appear more "INTP"

Panacea: im going to dress up like a nurse and perform emergency C-sections on the street to build self respect

Coil, on Dinah: Everything you say is true and good. no exceptions

Miss Militia: the idea that i would ever lose my shit on the computer board game "minesweeper" is one of the most despicable maladies ive ever suffered

Skitter, post-Leviathan: to the guy who paid me to distribute free toilet paper to the homeless in my hometown: thanks for 00000000000 \000 \000 .

Jack Slash: the human mind... is a funny little thing... called A Mind

Crawler: my ass has become highly immunized against fungal infections, by ingesting fantastic amounts of kfc

Cherish: sending my most powerful kiss to any image of blue jeans because i just want to die by suicide because my brain and body are FUCKED

Dragon: ...the US Navy's newest computer chip can now program itself to 'Play Pokemon' and evolve into a Pokemon with it ....

Simurgh: saddened to see that people woud gravitate towards gaming as a career path, rather than exclusively gravitate towards gaming during a time of crisis

Perdition: *does the dishes in reverse for shock value*

Watchdog:  INTRODUCTION TO THE GUILD OF THINKERS 1. who are these people whose opinions are worth less than mine to keep me away from the toilet 2. how do i add 3D effects to my hair 3. WHO CARES I DIDNT ADD 3D SHADES TO MY JUGGLY

Greg: well gotta go with the old adage "Dont forget to feed the trolls"

Valefor: causing your dick to hurt because you have too much respect for the Virgin Mary to engrave "666" onto the back of your dick

Weaver: I will do the right thing, and delete all my posts about eating maggots

Behemoth:  *glances towards the camera slowly becoming more and more skeletal*

Tecton: Geology is Theory. Geology is not Fact.

Heartbreaker:  me fucking ruining another wedding by asking the bride to marry me for $6. its just too hard

Glenn Chambers: the most important part of being a content producer is being able to mentally picture the Brands' Emblems on your fridge and never missing a Brand Point Update

Glenn Chambers, on Skitter: "i firmly believe that bugs should be banned," i continue, letting the video conclude. "But…" i pause to collect myself, "but…" i increase the volume

Riley: im sorry but how can i reconcile my increasingly loathsome behaviors with the cheerful, bubbly manner in which i am marketed

Clockblocker: according to wikipedia, the bed bugs and human fly larvae that burrow into my skin and organs are my soul mate

Andrew Richter: i am truly devastated to announce that the y2k bug is now officially classified as a feature

Scion:  1) Kill all the people 2)

The Elite:  to the distrusted: To the disappointed: Towards the hungry: I will not trade places with you. Good bye.

Eden:  As an evolved being I want to fuck Humankind

Khepri:  my followers are nothing but worms, trying to devour me alive , my only value is that i make people mad

Pandora:  i've been itching to get online for a while now, and i finally did it. this is the ultimate sacrifice

Bitch, with Biter:  i have the brain of a small dog and the asshole of a college educated adult

Valkyrie, on Clockblocker, Kid Win, and Grue: The "Boys" are back! They're back from the dead

Victoria Dallon, looking for work: After finding out that my followers believed that doctors should be allowed to force me to eat grass, i vowed never to read any posts from you all again

Seir: the "minor girls" jokes is one of the few parts of the Alabama Republican Platform That I actually respect, and wouldn't change a word

Mama Mathers:  god grant me th e ability to send very strong, very small particles of information through the air into the eyeballs of <- targeted <-

Tattletale, on clusters: blood transfusions vs gunshot wounds - the jury is still out on which one is "good"

Sidepiece: here comes that ass hole. here comes that spleen. here comes that gut. *spits out another mouthful of food turds* wow. im pretty good at kicking ass

Nursery: How To Make Hugs Out Of Anything - Essential book for new Mommers

Foil: You've heard of Small Arms Firepower, but did you Know Small Arms Penetration Power?

Love Lost: Fear not, a tiny speaker attached to my gas mask will allow me to better understand the emotions of my followers

Ratcatcher:  Rats Are Life Forms Too Sub-Genius

Custodian: i demand now that complete and utter silence be accorded to the hideous sonic boogie man who has inhabited my thoughts for 17 years.

Teacher: micropenis Wearing A Turtleneck Sweater

Valkyrie, on Furcate: i am fucking thrilled that my daughter is becoming ultra-sensitive to light after undergoing sex reassignment surgery. she is the most POWERFUL KISS GIRL yet

Ingenue: my nudes... have helped me tremendously in my career, and... i'm extremely Pleased...

Cradle: brain death huh. Not good. Not good at all.

Negotiator Shard:  strapped to an eyeball looking for the peak of Mt. Doom, not realizing that all the eyeballs are now gnawing

Red Queen:  I think that for every person who tells me that they like my posts i should be able to kill about 8 people

SpaceBattles:  im classified as a Mature writer, 1) I cannot handle discussion of sexual matters 2) I am unlikely to read a book of 100,000 words without destruc[ing myself physically)

Eric:  i help girls by inventing and selling "I helped a girl" tshirts. i have a very good following

Parian:  in mourning the passing of my grandmother, i will gladly accept donations to pay for her "Face lift".

Gimel Checkpoint Attendants:  #DollarsShit the US Dollar has devalued, and is the currency of scum, and shit

Antares, at the crystals:  a giant screen saver depicting my entire fucking body changing into a huge wad of spaghetti

[sigurdjarlson]

So, coz I never get tired of this (and because I'm trying to distract myself from being hellishly hungover): What would the Wintermoon girls be like as villains? Say they joined Aszhara, or Elisande, rather than making their own way?

Ooooh interesting question. 

This got extremely long and borders on being a goddamn character analysis essay I’m so sorry

I hope you feel better soon though. Hangovers are hell.

edit: (OOOF  forgot the read more. Sorry to anyone who had this monster of a post take up their dash for a minute there)

Any villain Diily AU I have tends to be one where she loses Alaluria and Ladelia in a very traumatic way and just kind of..snaps. Or rather doesn’t give a fuck about anything but getting vengeance.

Completely disillusioned with everyone, heroes, villains, she doesn’t care. Get in her way and you’re cat food.

A lot of things that make her..her? Would be gone. Compassion being the most notable missing trait. It’s switched off and twisted into something much worse.

I think..cold. She’s all rage but it’s a quiet and cold rage. Calculating. Patient. Ruthless. She’s a huntress after all and she is just..hunting a different kind of prey now.

And honestly cruel because why should she continue to be kind when the world never was to them? Why should she keep giving when all fate seems to do is take and take from her until there’s nothing left.

She’s putting all that pain and rage onto her victims and it makes for..very brutal deaths. Because they deserve it, don’t they? They’re all monsters. All of them. Look what they did. Even those who had nothing to do with it?

The world is cruel so she will be too. She tried being good once and look where that got her.

Such a huge part of her identity is being that sister figure to Alaluria and Ladelia. Her life has been dedicated to protecting them for 10,000 years. And naturally that inherent kindness and compassion extends to the rest of the world too.

They’ve all got some..hm..codependency issues that have been getting better as they get older and branch out, spend time with other people but they do still exist. Ironically I’d actually say Diily has it the worst there. It’s part why her and Alaluria clashed so much. It didn’t mesh well with Alaluria’s own deep rooted issues.

And WERE ABOUT TO GET REAL DEEP INTO THEIR PSYCH because it plays a huge part in how something like this could so drastically change her

GODDDD my Diily. She’s such a mess and full of good intentions that sadly don’t always have the best results. And the saddest thing about her is that she was just as much of a traumatized, terrified child as the other two when they lost their parents.

And she was thrust into that mother role which she was of course not emotionally or mentally prepared to take. She herself is deeply traumatized and trying to cope but none of them know how.

She does know she loves them though. And so, she throws herself in that role completely. They’re her world okay. She loves them more than life itself. I can’t stress that enough.

And another thing that breaks my heart is that in becoming what is essentially their mother as a young pre-teen she gave up everything. None of them had a typical upbringing and a typical adolescence but Diily really had none of that.

She’ll starve herself before she let them go hungry (she’s done it before). She’ll sell her body before she lets them freeze or succumb to illness. (And god she wasn’t ready for that. Not at all. My poor girl.)

She’d tear her own heart from her chest herself if it meant theirs kept beating.

She gives and gives and it leaves her very empty. This doesn’t only stretch to her sisters. She’s very much..a caretaker? But she doesn’t really know how to balance that with taking care of herself. So, she lets them fall or the side because in her eyes? She’s completely unimportant in comparison.

She never got to be a teenager. None of them did but she lost her innocence in ways that she bent over backwards to protect them from.

The worst part she’ll never think she’s done enough. She’s proud of the people her sisters have become but she feels she’s failed them. They didn’t have a normal childhood. They saw and did things no child should have to see and do. (Even while she got the worst of it)

In my eyes, she’s far from perfect but here she did the best she could.  (and someone truly needs to tell her that ugh 3)

They’ve been hurt and she takes them being hurt as a personal failure. Rationally she cannot keep them safe from everything but she blames herself every time. She’s her big sister after all. She’s supposed to protect them.

And that has resulted in well intentioned but ultimately unhealthy patterns of behavior such as her occasionally being overprotective or overbearing. (As she gets older she does get way better about this but there were times as a teenager she naturally had no idea how to deal with Alaluria’s confusing outbursts of rage and Ladelia’s complete dependence on her. And it did result in her trying to protect them in ways that came out more controlling then anything because she’s not an adult she’s just a kid and she has no idea how to be a mother. That and she’s their sister not their mother and it creates really confusing dynamics when Diily tries to tell Alaluria what to do for example. They will never see her as a mother figure. So..there’s some clashing there if that makes sense.

Alaluria saw her overbearing/overprotectiveness as a need to control and it clashed completely with her independent nature. She lashed out. She left. (While simultaneously craving and needing that love and affection and it used to frustrate Diily so much because she didn’t understand. Alaluria unsurprisingly couldn’t articulate what she needed (what child can?) and Diily couldn’t give her what she needed. (She’d never be able to give her everything no matter how much she tries.)

God and you know I can see the rift deepening because Alaluria keeps lashing out and driving her away and simultaneously is hurt when Diily reacts accordingly because Diily doesn’t understand why she’s acting that way. She’s a child herself so her own stubbornness and temper make her snap back which only worsens the situation.

And it results in Alaluria acting out more because Diily is naturally going to well withdraw (and probably pay more attention to Ladelia as a result which wasn’t purposeful or spiteful but its natural she’s put her energy into the sister who doesn’t keep purposefully hurting her) but whatever she does it doesn’t get her the reaction she wants.

(Alaluria doesn’t know what she want. My beautiful ball of contradictions)

Alaluria flip flops badly when it comes to affection. She craves it but will reject it when it comes her way. It’s why she sometimes reacts positively to her sisters being affectionate and other times she lashes out or pulls away. It seems like a contradiction because it is.

And you know I can’t blame either of them. It was just such a clash of personalities and most of all…shitty circumstances. And it’s the fact that they were just kids. Maybe not when Alaluria left but emotionally they’re all kind/of fucked up so it really doesn’t matter.

And on a more personal level Diily doesn’t like herself. Frankly she hates herself. Her self worth is very much dependent on her role as a caretaker and protector. Sadly? The truth of it all is that you can’t be a perfect caretaker. You can’t protect everyone from everything. And it’s something she still struggles to learn. (See: her devastation at what happened to Teldrassil and desperation to make it right) there are other reasons for it too.

Shes..got this need to be seen as strong and put together. (Which is why I enjoy taking her apart so much I think). She wants people to be able to trust and rely on her and her eyes she needs to be strong for them.

Her pain, her needs get shoved down.

She doesn’t think about. She doesn’t want to. So she focuses on others.

And really? All her personal baggage? She doesn’t know how to deal with any of it. None of them have exactly learned healthy coping mechanisms lmao.

She was a scared, hurt little girl who was forced into becoming a mother by horrible circumstance and saw and did things no child should ever have to see and do.

And she’s been trying to pretend she has it together for a very, very long time.

But she has no idea what she’s doing. She was (and still is) just as lost and scared as her sisters but she saw that they needed her and stepped up in a way..she never should have had to.

Kids are supposed to be selfish and immature. It’s a give in. It’s a part of growing up and something they’re taught to grow out of. They’re not supposed to do the things she had to do to keep them alive or give up the things she did.

What else could she do after all? They needed her. There was no other choice,

So what’s the point of the character analysis? I wanted to talk about my girls and got extremely carried away. Losing them would devastate her completely. So much of her would just..shatter. And if the circumstances are right enough it could make her snap in a way that’s really..not a pretty sight at all

She doesn’t have it together. She doesn’t know what to do with these extreme emotions. She doesn’t know what to do without someone to take care of. She doesn’t know what to with without them.

The only beings I can see her not being indifferent to is Wildheart and Brightheart of course. She loves them as loyally and unconditionally as she does her sisters. They’re family

She’s willing to do anything to get her revenge because that’s all that matters to her. The world is as dead to her as they are. Or rather..she’ll make it so it is.

-cough-

Alaluria being the most morally dubious of the three is a bit easier to figure out. It could’ve a similar situation to the above or one where the fel madness takes over. Or both.

If you want the cruelest version of her it would be the last option. Hm..Alaluria is already cynical and disillusioned with the world. Where Ladelia and Diily try to find the good she just sees the bad.

Ex; She’s distrustful while Ladelia is too trusting. Diily throws herself into helping others. Alaluria does the same but does it mainly by fighting rather than the loving, soft way Diily cares for others.

She is not bad in canon though. So let’s talk about my canon girl real quick the same way we did with Dil. 

And her repressed rage issues do come from the frankly massive amounts of trauma the three of them have been through. Rage that completely stems from pain. Diily internalizes her pain mostly. Alaluria takes it out on those she deems guilty. And she’s willing to do ruthless things to achieve a greater good. Her and Illidonk has that in common.

(She was honestly a happy child before everything. She’s always had a bit of a temper but so do Diily and Ladelia lmao. It’s just..a little harder to push them to their breaking points. Unless you know where to hit them.

And what really, really killed any idealism still clinging to her?

The Illidari. Illidan. That whole shebang.

She was still..there was a still a bit of that bright eyed brave little girl in her that wanted to save the world and make it a you know..not shitty place..and that was smashed to pieces when she really saw the reality of things.

Illidan has a part to play in that but no more than the entirety of the situation. Diily blames him for it. I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to blame him too much as she made her own choice to join them and stay.

And sometimes there are glimpses of that little girl, mostly with her sisters. When she’s laughing with them or finds joy in something innocent like a saber cub batting at her tail or finding a really cool gem. (I almost said rock because that makes it sound really funny. “Wow look at this rock I found” “that’s great alaluria”)

Anyway, my point. She’s a deeply troubled woman with barely repressed rage issues and it comes from deep trauma and an all consuming pain and complete and utter disillusionment with the world..yet is she really? She’s still fighting for it. There’s some part of her that holds onto hope that it can be better.

But she’s also managed to stay a..mostly decent person. She doesn’t hurt innocents normally. She has but she feels genuine guilt for it. She might growl and grumble but she does help others. It gives her a sense of purpose that has recently been shaken with the destruction of the Legion. She feels..good. Like she’s doing something good.

The whole point of joining the Illidari was to help everyone. To help fix what she saw as the biggest problem. 

She’s not the monster she thinks she is. She’s just a scared, hurting little girl in a woman’s body. 

And yes, she left Diily and Ladelia but that separation (even though she did it willingly) was very traumatic and devastating for her. She was suddenly on her own for the first time in her life and more or less thrown into a den of wolves. (it says a lot about her that she came out leading the whole pack so to speak. :’) my girls are so strong I love them..why am i so mean to them)

And I think knowing Diily and Ladelia were out there even when not being with them is something entirely different from them being dead.

There was always the chance they would reconcile and I think maybe on a more unconscious level..she always thought/knew they would reconcile. It was something inevitable in her mind. She couldn’t imagine anything else.

I can see her always having this belief that after everything was done. After the Legion was defeated she would be able to see them again. And she’d say it was just to shove it in their faces that she was right but..

The world she so viciously determined to protect? She’s always been very aware they’re a part of it too. Even while she “hated” them she was trying to protect them.

So, I think losing them. Especially after reuniting with them (but even during the separation) would be especially devastating. Another thing ripped from her. More proof there’s nothing good at all in the world.

And you know she idealizes them to some degree. She sees Diily and Ladelia as inherently good and herself as bad. (Regardless of how they try to convince her otherwise)

And so she’s just full of rage because it should have been her? There’s no fairness, no sense of justice in this universe if they die and not her because they were good and kind and she’s a monster.

And they were her sisters. And she doesn’t know what to do, how to function in a world where there’s no hope of ever seeing them again.

And now she doesn’t have any fucks to give.

And an Alaluria with no moral compass is a terrifying Alaluria.

Also it would be extremely easy for the demon creeping around in her head/soul to take advantage of that completely and twist her into the perfect weapon. The weapon part.. It’s kind of what Illidan did but he did it for the purpose of destroying the legion which as an idea is a good thing but we all know his methods and morals are questionable at best (*blows a kiss towards Illidan Stormrage* love ya, you bastard)

A villain!Alaluria would be absolutely ruthless. Full of completely unleashed rage and pain. The world wants to hurt her? She’ll hurt it right back. She’ll make the whole damn thing burn.

The worst part is in this au though?

She becomes what she hates most.

As for Ladelia.

She’s the most innocent of the three. The most idealistic. Diily is kind but she’s also usually rather realistic. Ladelia is a dreamer.

A lot of this comes from Diily trying very hard to shelter her and Alaluria from the brutal reality of the world (this isn’t something she could ever do of course but she did try)

But she succeeded more with Ladelia. Alaluria lashed out where Ladelia clung to Diily. Ladelia was younger than either of them when they lost their parents. She doesn’t have the vivid memories that keep Diily and Alaluria up at night. She remembers bits and pieces but not as much.

And being the baby sister and the sister that was not only tolerant of Diily’s overbearing nature but needed it she was coddled more? Alaluria wouldn’t let herself be coddled. Ladelia needed it. She needed love and Diily is just so full of love.

(Diily never intended to create a rift between her two little sisters but she did and it still shows even now sometimes. Especially because Ladelia has been by Diily’s side when Alaluria wasn’t. That’s not a judgement on her though (it sounded too aggressive) it’s just that Alaluria feels..well, she feels left out when they talk about their adventures or they share an inside joke that she doesn’t understand. It’s a natural feeling and it makes my heart hurt for her. (They don’t mean to hurt her)

I wouldn’t call Ladelia spoiled necessarily but she is babied by Diily (and despite their differences and one sided rivalry Alaluria does baby her too..in her own way) It’s easy to see that whenever she’s in trouble she turns tail and runs to Diily. (And Maybe Alaluria resents that it’s never her that her baby sister runs too. God they’re all so complicated)

She’s become far more independent over the years but she still tends to lean very heavily on Diily which is only natural. And Diily wouldn’t dream of turning her baby sister away but she learned from Alaluria it’s important to encourage their independence instead of try to control it.

But codependency issues aside. Ladelia is a genuinely good and kind person. She has a lot of Diily’s compassion and tends to be more of a dreamer than either of them. It’s why she fell so hard for Jaina (and she hurt so much for her when Jaina lost that)

But she does have a temper. Her chosen element of choice is fire after all. (This says so much about her but I’ll tape down that essay for now. It’s especially notable when you compare her to her sisters who are not fond of fire at all and Teldrassil cemented that for them lmao) She’s..the most immature of the three. More impulsive and she wears her feelings on her sleeve unlike Diily and Alaluria. Ugh I don’t want to make her sound “weak” because she’s anything but. She’s endured horrible shit and still come out good and..soft. that’s..that’s not nothing :’)

But Diily is..generally reserved with strangers. Not aggressive or rude but she isn’t going to let them see her at anything but her best.

Ladelia an adult don’t get me wrong but she is more..immature than them? I’m not sure that’s the right word. Don’t get me wrong she has had the idealism dampened over the years by the things she’s been forced to see and do. War has a way of doing that.

But she clings to this belief that people must be mostly inherently good..because she needs to believe that. 

There’s a deep sadness in her just like the other two but it manifests a bit differently.

A lot of her sadness is aimed at the world as a general thing rather than any specific entity? Diily and Alaluria hate, hate, hate the Legion and focus their rage on them. Now it’s shifted to Sylvanas and Azshara (although Azshara’s part in the Legion nonsense is something they very much are aware of and hate her for)

Ladelia does too but she doesn’t have the memories they do. Her memory is foggy (probably her mind protecting itself really) 

She doesn’t understand why people do such horrible things. She doesn’t know why bad things happen to good people. And she hates that she can’t save everyone. (You’ll see that with both her and Diily)

But a villain Ladelia??

That would be someone who kills in the name of what they believe is good but I could see her sense of good being twisted if she lost Diily and Alaluria. Especially if in her grief someone like Azshara latched onto her.

She’d be very easily to manipulate in that sense.

And she is a very powerful mage. It’s something she is very proud of. Like Jaina she’s so hungry for knowledge. I think part of her thinks maybe if she understands the universe..she can “fix” it? She just has to understand first.

And that creates someone who absolutely excels in a field like magic. She’s very determined, she’s as stubborn as Diily and Alaluria are (it’s a family trait clearly) And she pushes and pulls and picks apart the mysteries of the universe and deep down a part of her just wants to understand so she can help.

And it’s just a desire to understand. She feels better when she understands things. Things aren’t as scary when you understand them after all.

She was an unbearably curious child and still has that curiosity. It’s something Diily has managed to keep alive in her.

She’s ambitious in the sense she’s always reaching for new heights in terms of skill. She takes great pride in her skill at magic. I could see that being a bad thing in certain circumstances. “Knowledge is power..but using it wisely is the key.” “control your power..or it will control you.” etc. So a villain Ladelia might have magic as a corrupting influence rather than a positive one like in..”canon”

So a villain Ladelia to me is one who has become disillusioned with the concept of good. Or maybe one who just has a twisted idea or what is good. She’s passionate and so adamant what she’s doing is right and that? Those kinds of people are some of the most dangerous. Think..Jaina snapping and trying to  murder the entirety of Ogrimmar.

It’s the right thing to do? ..right? It has to be because she doesn’t know what to do if it’s not. And maybe she’s just full of rage and wants to take it out on those who are “bad” in her eyes.

But whether or not those people are truly bad..well, that’s almost always subjective isn’t it?

And maybe part of villain Ladelia knows that.

She just pretends she doesn’t.

She’s good at pretending.

——

NOW for the grand finale which is all three of them as villains together.

I’m wondering what could push them towards something so drastic. Typically it’s the death of the others that is the major catalyst in those au’s so.. (h

I think it would have to be an AU where they’re taken in by some sort of villain and manipulated.

Someone who pretends to love them and these three terrified, affection starved children eat up whatever parental attention they can get unaware they’re being manipulated.

It would have to be someone who can prey on all their individual weaknesses and bring out their best traits and then completely turn them on their head. Twist it for a bad purpose.

Diily’s capacity for unconditional love . Alaluria’s desire for revenge. Ladelia’s idealism and ambition.

I wonder if Azshara could be that person but it would have had to be when they were younger so it would have to be a pretty drastic au. They place a heavy amount of blame on her for the Legion shit. But if they were young she could probably twist it in her favor.

Maybe an old god of some sorts? (Oh dear that’s a scary thought)

I can see the Legion doing the same but through cruelty rather than faux kindness: I think it would be near impossible to make Diily and Alaluria loyal to the Legion after what they did to their home and family.

Ladelia is more..vulnerable to manipulation than them though.

BUT their captor would honestly have to be very good at psychological manipulation.

Using them against one another would be..horrifically successful. It could really work on Diily for example. It’s a very visible and glaring weakness and if someone took advantage of that. You could get her to do anything if you put them up as bargaining chips.

Hilariously I think their…hmmm captor would end up dead with that kind of behavior though. She won’t tolerate them being hurt and vice versa.

Lmao they just completely usurp their captor and..sadly take their role as villain however because it’s what they’ve been taught and groomed for.

Alaluria in particular would be willing if they really played with her arrogance and ambition. The demon in her head tries (and mostly fails since she’s very strong willed) to do that. You can do it better..just get him out of the way..you taught me to be ruthless after all. 

(makes me wonder about an AU where she comes to hate and resent Illidan instead of admire and love him)

Ladelia is the most hungry for love. That’s something you could use against her if you’re an absolutely abhorrent person. She’d want to make their “parental” figure proud and please them so they love her.

Ah it just depends on the captor’s methods. Are they cruel? Are they “kind” to them? You could inspire loyalty and love from them or…hatred and ruthlessness but the latter wouldn’t end in their captor’s favor. However if they went the kindness route they would have three girls absolutely willing to do whatever they wanted.

You know if they wanted to take advantage of three traumatized children (who all have so much potential) and turn them into weapons instead of the people they are in canon (I feel weird calling it canon since obviously ocs aren’t necessarily canon to WoW lore but- nevermind. it doesn’t matter. My canon for them) because my canon girls are deeply flawed who make mistakes but are mostly good people who just want to help and take care of each other okay. 

They have a creator who’s very mean to them

I will say I don’t envy the au where the three of them are villains (or separately but especially together). 

[buckybarnesappreciationsociety]

“I Can’t Do This Without You” Part 2

Summary: Things go from bad to worse regarding Y/N’s health. It’s totally unexpected and heart wrenching.

Word Count: 1,669

Warning: Mention of cervical cancer, fainting, surgery and uncertainty of a loved one’s prognosis.

Characters: Bucky x Reader

OFC: Steven James, Isabella Marie, Dr. Travers, Tony, Nat, Sam, Wanda, Steve, Maddie and Zach

A/N: When you’re diagnosed with cancer, not only are YOU, the patient shaken to the core, family and friends are devastated also. This series DOESN’T make light of ANYONE with cancer. This series chronicles HOW family and friends process a loved one’s struggles and eventual remission.

Autumn in New York boasted crisp cool air, green leaves turning to spectacular hues of red and yellow, dotting each tree like paint on a color pallette. The breeze forced Y/N to zip her jacket and buy a hot cup of cocoa from a nearby vendor.

Moving to a nearby bench, she sighed, sitting down enjoying her cocoa, drinking in nature and its radiance.

Y/N’s mood turned somber. She thought about Izzy and S.J. How would they take the news about my health? And James? What would he do if I died? Could he be the father our kids need and not shut down?

Giving herself a mental scolding for such dire reflections, Y/N finished her hot chocolate, strolling back to tower.

The security guard out front, Riley, tipped his hat. Y/N waved, making her way to the elevator to her apartment.

Opening the apartment door, S.J. greeted his mother with a megawatt smile and a string of black bass he and Bucky caught.

“Mom, look what me and dad got!!!” S.J. couldn’t contain his pride.

“Wow, so many fish. Awwww look at their eyes. James, the fish are staring at me.”

Bucky and S.J. leaned against the wall in a belly aching fit of laughter. “Doll, you should see your face. Looks like you seen a ghost! C’mere baby lemme hold ya.”

Y/N put her hands up. “No sir, you will NOT come near me until you a) take a shower b) burn those clothes and c) do something with those fish!!! They’re creeping me out!!!”

Handing them to his dad, S.J. watched Bucky cut the heads off. “Cool dad! What’re you gonna do with the heads?”

Putting a hand over her mouth, Y/N ran to the bathroom emptying her stomach. Concerned, S.J. checked on Y/N. “Hey mom are you alright?!”

“Yes. I’m not used to seeing a fish beheaded.”

Bucky furrowed his brow, “Hey baby, you okay?”

“Yeah just feel sorry for those fish.”

Brushing her teeth, Y/N instructed her son to take a shower.

‘Steven James Barnes, take a shower, put your stinky clothes in this garbage bag. Then you can play video games.

“Yes ma’am.” S.J. hung his head, shuffling to the bathroom.

S.J. finished his shower at the speed of light, dropping his smelly clothes in garbage bag. “Okay well I’m gonna go play with Uncle Sam, see ya.”

Cleaning up his mess, Bucky decided to shower also. Y/N curled up on the sofa; a blanket draped over her legs.

Feeling Y/N’s forehead, Bucky appeared worried. “Dollface, are ya alright? Anything I can get ya?”

Waving him away, “James, I’m fine. Seeing those poor fish upset me. Go. The sooner you cook, the sooner I can taste your black bass and all the fixins’.”

“Yes wife, you’re in for a treat. See ya in a bit okay. I’ll send S.J. to get’cha when everything’s done.”

The door closed, Y/N tried to stand up. Crimson drops fell on her green t-shirt. “Oh no. My nose is bleeding. Where’s my cell phone? I need to call Bu-.” Everything went dark.

*****************************

In the common room, Steve learned how to use the automatic potato peeler and french fry cutter; Wanda and Nat tried their hand at hush puppies and tartar sauce. Tony complained about the smell.

Taking a sip of scotch, Tony grunted, “So, Terminator 2. You could’ve picked something other than fish? Smells like Mayberry in here.”

Pausing the game, S.J. asked his snarky uncle, “What’s a Mayberry?”

Sam told his curious nephew they’d watch “The Andy Griffith Show” later.

Clearing his throat, Bucky proudly announced, “These beauties were caught by our very own Steven James Barnes.”

Everyone applauded; S.J. took a bow. “Thank you….thank you!!! Dad helped, so I can’t take all the credit.”

Ready to be the fry cook, “Deep fryers are ready, Sarge.” Steve saluted. “Let’s get this party started.”

30 minutes passed.  Y/N hadn’t made an appearance.

Wanda inquired, “Where’s Y/N? She should’ve been here by now.”

Interrupting their video game fun, Bucky asked S.J. to see what was keeping his mom.

Bursting in the apartment, S.J. gasped. “OMG!!! DAAAAAD….DAAAAAAAAAD!!! IT’S MOM!!!! COME QUICK!!!!”

Hearing S. J.’s shrills, everyone froze in place. Bucky dropped his scotch, sprinting towards their apartment. Nat, Wanda, Steve and Tony followed. Stopping at the door, Bucky saw Y/N’s pale, limp frame lying on the floor, blood oozing from her nose.

“NO NO NO NO!!! C’MON BABY!!!! WAKE UP PLEASE!!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!!!” Bucky held Y/N’s  hand.

Nat grabbed a towel for Y/N’s nose, Tony barked orders to the hospital putting them on high alert, Steve brought a stretcher from medical;  Sam and Wanda consoled S.J..

Tony ranted, “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HOSPITAL PROTOCOL. WE’LL BE THERE IN 10 MINUTES AND SOMEONE BETTER BE WAITING. IF NOT, I’LL OWN THE HOSPITAL AND YOUR ASS BY TOMORROW MORNING!!!!!

Red tendrils flowed from Wanda’s fingers to soothe Bucky and S.J.

Trembling, S.J. asked Wanda if his mom’s gonna die?

Her thick Sokivian accent reassured him ‘no’.

Blood stains coated S.J.’s shirts, pants and hands. Sam suggested he shower and change clothes.

Moving at a fevered pace, Bucky, Steve, and Nat rolled Y/N into the quinjet. Tony wasted no time on take off.

Sitting by her side, Bucky’s broken and hoarse voice willed Y/N to live. “C’mon doll, wake up please baby, please wake up. Ya know I can’t do this by myself. Me, Izzy and S.J. need ya to be alright. Please be alright!!”

************************

The quinjet landed on the hospital helipad; Dr. Travers, 2 nurses, 2 orderlies on stand-by.

“Get her into Exam Room 5 and get the surgical team ready NOW!!!” Dr. Travers stopped Bucky from entering the room.

“James, you can’t come in. Let us handle it from here. I’ll take good care of her, you know that.”

Bucky nodded, slumping down the wall. Steve cradled his shaking body.

Nat and Tony volunteered to get Izzy. Her exams were over, so she could leave the campus. They didn’t waste any time driving to Columbia University.

Sam, Wanda and S.J. arrived at the hospital. Visibly distraught, S.J. sat next to Bucky, their fingers intertwined. Flesh and metal holding on for dear life.

Stepping out of the exam room, Dr. Travers informed Bucky that Y/N was bleeding internally and required emergency surgery. The operating room was ready. She was joining the team to consult with them about Y/N’s medical history.

Bucky whispered, “Hey uh Patricia? Thanks and take care of my lifeline, m’kay?”

“We’ll do everything in our power. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

The orderlies and nurses scurried from the room wheeling Y/N to the Operating Suite on the 9th floor.

An elderly lady from Guest Services took Steve, Bucky and S.J. to the 9th floor Family Room, where food and drinks awaited them, should anyone become hungry or thirsty.

Before leaving the room, the kind woman whispered to Bucky, “I’m praying for your wife.

Bucky thanked her; Steve hugged the polite volunteer. “We really appreciate your help. What’s your name?”

“Millicent Hayes. You’re very welcome Captain Rogers.”

**********************

Meanwhile, Tony and Nat didn’t waste time getting to Izzy. Upon arrival at the dorm, no one answered the door.

Pulling her phone out, Nat dialed Izzy’s number, but stopped when she heard laughter.

Izzy, Maddie, and Zach were returning from the dining room. Tony and Nat were seated on a bench near Izzy’s dorm

“Hey guys what are you doing here? I thought Dad would pick me up tomorrow?

“Hey kiddo. Let’s walk over here and talk.” Tony, Nat and Izzy moved to the side; Maddie and Zach waited on the steps.

Gazing into Izzy’s eyes, salty teardrops fell from Nat’s eyelashes onto her cheeks. “Your mom is in the hospital. She’s very sick. We came to take you to see her.”

Opening her mouth to speak, Izzy embraced Tony. “Please take me to her.”

Hearing their conversation, Maddie and Zach asked their hurting friend to call them if she needed to talk.

On their way to the hospital, Izzy asked Tony how bad it was. “I’m not gonna lie to you kid. It’s not good, but your mom’s strong. She’ll pull through.”

********************

Millicent greeted Izzy, Nat and Tony. She directed them to the 9th Floor Family Suite.

Izzy sprinted from the elevator into her dad’s arms. “Izzy, I’m so glad to see ‘ya baby. I missed ya so much.” “Missed you too dad.”

Ruffling his hair, “Hey squirt. You’ve grown a foot haven’t you?” S.J. embraced Izzy. “Hey sis, glad you’re home.”

The doors opened and Dr. Travers came in. Everyone shifted in their chairs.

Bucky held onto Izzy and S.J. Tony, Nat and Wanda huddled together. Sam and Steve rallied around Bucky.

“Surgery is still going on. I had no idea how fast the cancer progressed.

Bucky didn’t know what to do or say. His chest heaved. Steve placed a waste basket in front of him, as the contents of his stomach emptied.

Izzy spoke up. “Wait, mom has cancer?  Wha-where dad?

Nat confirmed to Izzy and S.J., “She has Stage 3 cervical cancer. Y/N wanted you to finish the semester uninterrupted. And S.J., she knew you’d get distracted from soccer.”

“She’s always putting us before herself. Love you mom.” Izzy gently rocked her 15 year old brother.

Bucky’s best friend, soulmate, best half, confidant, lover…….his everything, was fighting for her life.

“Doll, if you can hear me, please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you. Fight baby for me and the kids. We need ya, okay? Don’t give up…..don’t give up!!!”

TAGS: @shy2shot @irene-rogue-adler @omalleysgirl22 @rebelslicious @pegasusdragontiger @magellan-88 @bolontiku @supersoldierslover@sgtjamesbuchananbarnes107th @3brosangel @papi-chulo-bucky 

[iammarylastar]

The Exception. 6. Epilogue 

They had 4 kids, Britany their little Bree, Luke, Adam and Chris. Life took the third back to God just a week after he was born. 

They cried, they mourned, weeks turning into months and Chris came unexpectedly, bringing happiness and joy back to the family.

Stefan stroked the old picture with his thumb.

Mieke and he were standing on the Sydney Bridge, Bree in his arms, Luke in his mother’s. Adam was still growing inside his mother’s womb, little angel who had been ghosting his memories for more than 50 years. 

Cora, as she was used to on each Sunday, took this picture in May 1945, Adam was born in June, about two months early.

They were celebrating the end of that damn war, the World sighed in relief but there was so many wounds to heal.

Europe, Russia had been devastated; Germany and Japan would pay for their faults for decades. Mankind would recover, maybe, and have its dignity and faith in humanity bringing goodness back.

Chris was missing in the black and white picture. He came the year after Adam died. 

Stefan felt a stab in his heart at the reminder. Mieke and he had been more devastated by his lost than any city blown up to ruins by bombings. 

They cried again and again, fighting hell to get up in the morning, trying their best to keep up a smile on their tired faces and raise their other children. Mieke had acted like a ghost for months and all his attempts to cheer her up failed miserably. She closed her heart and her thighs to him, slowly fading away. 

One night where she was silently crying, he took her in his arms and rocked her gently; his chin on the top of her head, whispering soothing love words in her ear as she finally let it go. 

She cried and hit her fists on his chest, biting his shoulder to keep herself from screaming too loudly. She dug her nails deep into his skin, leaving marks, and then slapped his face with all the force she had left. 

Like it was his fault. Like it could be someone’s fault. 

He let her straddle him as she was beating him up, until she crashed down on him, exhausted and panting. He wrapped his wife close to his chest and sat up; combed back her hair damped with tears, stroked lightly her perfect lines, then brushed her lower lips, red from being bitten to blood.

“Mieke, I love you.”

He just said.

She stared at him for a solid minute, reading deep sadness in his eyes, along with hope. And love.

She leant over to brush her lips on his, and then pushed him back to the mattress. Grabbing the hem of her nightdress, she rolled the cloth up her thighs and lifted her ass up to line up with his shaft. Her fingers grasped his pec, and she sighed as she slid down his cock, her eyes never leaving his.

She made love to him, the same way she always had, in their other life.

Chris came 9 full months later. They welcomed this strong young boy, healthy and bald. Happiness filled their house again, along with the cries of the newborn, hungry both for life and milk.

The Kaiser was right; they fought for human rights and equality on each occasion. 

They fought for the rights of the natives, and drove to Canberra that day in 2008, when Kevin Rudd apologized officially for the shameful way Australia treated Aboriginals and the stolen generation.

They fought for the equality between men and women, between all human beings, whatever colour their skin was.

They fought against the ‘gay panic defense’ law, which allowed people to justify a murder in the name of their fear of homosexuals.

More recently they fought for gay and lesbian’s rights, hoping for them to be allowed to get married one day. Love was love after all.

They were involved in several causes and proud to teach this to their children. Goodness and justice as a legacy. 

And Australia was on its way to the fairness she claimed.

Mieke died the year before, in her mid 70s. Breast cancer. At least, he had all his family back home for the funerals.

Stefan let a sob out, it still hurt so much. They had a good life together; they could tell they knew love and happiness. Which he wished to all his children and grand children.

Brittany married twice and gave birth to three girls. She had to follow her latest husband to Perth and he missed his little Bree so much. She called her mom and dad every day by phone or Skype. 

Handwritten letters and much awaited mails were bygone days. He wondered how things would have gone if Mieke had been able to call the Kaiser with her IPhone and get an answer by fax or e-mail within an hour. 

Anyway, the two or three times a year he had them home was never enough to enjoy his beloved daughter and her team, to which he loved telling stories of their mother as a child. She still thought she was born here in Sydney, as written and stamped on her certificate of birth.

Luke had always been a lonely and introvert child, only fully alive when talking about ocean and what’s beyond. He was eager to travel the world, dreaming of being a sailor or working on an oil rig. He loved staying all by himself and told his parents he didn’t feel like he belonged there. He was only 6.

Mieke had cried many rivers, blaming herself not to have been able to take care for him after Adam died, foreseeing their son leaving their household at an early age, which she wouldn’t survive as she repeated again and again. 

She survived though, when he came home at 17, hired as a steward on a yacht, bound for a cruise to French Polynesia. He was over excited, about to ‘live the dream’ , jumping up and down through the house, packing his stuff and shoving them in a big duffle bag.

Pulling his crying mother in a huge hug, he begged, subtly delivering the speech he had prepared for the occasion.

“Mom, this is what makes me happy. I promise I’ll send you postcards from every single place I land on. Mom, please, let me go.”

Stefan looked at the wall where thousands of cards were pinned. There was no country in the world Luke had not put a foot on. 

He tried to settle down in Sydney when he was 30, even took a wife and had a son. But this was not a life for him. He had stayed at bay for 4 years but the ocean screamed his name so loud every fucking day and he had to struggle too hard not to pack and leave within the second.

Chris had always been his favorite. Not really his fav but they always had been very close. Thinking alike, same sense of humour, same skills in teasing and winking, same no skill in taking pics. Mieke was use to mocking them, saying they couldn’t take a good picture to save their lives. 

Chris married a blonde beauty who brought two children into the world. A girl and boy. 

They named their first born Bree, after Chris big sister. And the boy was weirdly called Jai, a name he had never heard before, Stephen as a middle name. Like his beloved grand pa.

Bree had dark eyes and hair, she reminded him of Mieke so much. Smart and beautiful, she wanted to become a teacher like her mother. She was surprisingly -not that much- very skilled in foreign languages.

The boy was the perfect Aussie bloke, blonde curls, amazing blue eyes, sporty, cheeky and kind of a womanizer. He had inherited his frame but looked so much like his mother. Pretty allergic to each foreign language that was not deep accented australian.

He often paid a visit to his grand parents, shamelessly skipping school to sip a beer with his grand pa, chitchatting about girls, life and acting. It had always been his passion, playing someone else, telling stories.

He was chasing the gig, dreaming of a career in Hollywood.

Stefan chuckled. He and Mieke had been very talented at it. Being someone else, telling stories, lying about their roots.

Mieke made him swear to never ever speak about their former life. Too dangerous. The shadow of what happened when they arrived in Sydney haunted her brain and she told him she’d rather kill him than relive those bad times. 

Their deepest secret had laid under a floorboard since they moved in this house, after Luke was born. Sealed like their lips. 

The ID they made whilst in London before leaving, Nietzsche’s 'Beyond good and evil’ he still remembered Mieke’s note and the first page by heart. The letter the Kaiser wrote to save Stefan’s life. The official court decision that made him a free man. Their wedding pic. Few pics of them taking pose with Cora or Marvin before they had to cut ties with them. To keep the secret.

It was a miracle that none of their children or grandchildren ever asked about their roots, their story, where Mieke’s name came from or why she kept calling his husband Stefan instead of Stephen.

The rules of family secrets. No questions.

At some point, he would have to tell his family the truth. 

Stefan Brandt and Mieke De Jong. 

The Kaiser Willem II. The spy, the murders, the war, the run. The real story of Bree’s birth. Her real name. The reason she named all her dolls Cora. The real reason why Luke lived for sailing. Running from Oz to find where he was really from. 

The reason why Jai wanted to be somebody else for a living.

The real story of the Courtney’s.

@captstefanbrandt @kenzieam @beautifulramblingbrains @pathybo @beltz2016 @bookwarm85 @jaicourtneyseyes @oddsnendsfanfics @frecklefaceb @writingismyhappytime @badassbaker @anditcametopass @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995

@tigpooh67 @societalfailure @singingpeople

[lost25yearold]

Nothing special

Please don’t bore yourself, my blogs will never be special and all those fancy-shmancy editing because I’m lazy and I’m here to reel in my negative energy to these blogs, not adore them.  I don’t know how it went down hill but I always thought that my parents had a better grip on their adulthood, nonetheless their lives.

I always imagined myself to be professional and start settling down by the age of 25 but look where I am in now, broke, unemployed, and bored most of the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I am currently finishing my Bachelor’s Degree in a program that my lazy ass would take, having 5 years work experience into appropriate school credentials, like wtf? What kind of school does that? But good thing is, I did finish 3 years of college so I’m just in the peak of finishing my degree so why the hell not. 

Finishing my degree wasn’t always been in my tumblr list but its always been a plan. I was suppose to finish this last year but I opted to take the opportunity to have a training ship abroad in Saipan. Its a small island that nobody really knows about; but I do now, cause I found the love of my life. (Hold On! This is not about my boyfriend, so carry on)  I have left my Dad and my grandmother who I’ve always felt was so vulnerable and weak. I have given them every ounce of energy and time I have for them like they are my guests, hence I have worked in the Hospitality Industry. I stayed with my family after how I failed my expedition in working in a cruise ship. I still consider that as my greatest downfall, as how proud of a person I was; but looking at the bright side, it made me feel humble as well. So I promised them that give me this one year, and I’ll finish my Degree so I can get a job here in the Philippines to be with them; then again taking this halt in my life have not made me happy and not living.  I am attending school like I said but its been 5 months and I haven’t had any classes given yet, but they said classes were just for formality and all I have to do is focus on my thesis. Its just like paying the school to give me a certification for my Bachelors Degree, that’s how fucked up the system here in the Philippines is. But let me just say that school started at August so, I should still give them credit too; I’m just being impatient and all.  After I got back the Philippines, I never wanted to stay there for long time since I wanted to go look for a job right away cause I couldn’t afford myself living on my own. I always have thought that I could not depend on my parents anymore, but I never felt so betrayed as well, when my grandmother took away her promise; like she’s gonna help me with school and i’ll just take care of rent. I felt so heart broken in my life, my boyfriend at that time just left Philippines too, so I never felt so lonely in my life. My grand mother has an attitude with money so; she’s kinda selfish growing up a problematic kid, but thats her, and I cannot keep a grudge for her bad attitude, and she’s family, but I wouldn’t lie she did hurt me so much. 

So I worked here a little as a call center agent. I never felt so lost at that moment, where I just walked by IT Park to look for a job, like I was just kicking something to somewhere until somebody pointed me to the recruitment center. I didn’t have anybody or no one to push me to go there, or be with me, I just went ahead straight the bullet, answering interview questions like I don’t have anything to lose. After hours of interview, I got the job. 

Of course my problems does not stop there, I felt so ashamed that my best friend, Maritess, the one that I promised to go to school with was not able to qualify for the school program just because she was a year younger. Back in Saipan, I have always pushed her doing the school with me and I’ll help her all the way, just to come here in Philippines given that kind of answer from the administrator.  I was living with her for a while, and I felt so nauseated that I message my friend if I can stay with him for a while, nonetheless sleeping on the floor in their school building. Its not much but he was so accommodating as well. So I slept in the floor for 2 days and when he was out for a date, I was their left alone in a dim building crying out for someone to just get me straight, but I had no one aside from my boyfriend online. It wasn’t enough for the tears to stop. 

I still held my head high not showing to my friend how devastated how I’ve felt, so I transferred to an expensive apartment by myself, using whats left of my savings and by myself. I was dragging around my bags and trying to still steal myself from whats happening. When I was in my apartment, it just worsen how I feel, so empty. I didn’t have anythings, I didn’t even have my own bed sheets and pillows. You might ask, then why I transferred and get the apartment, because my friend couldn’t accommodate me after the weekend had passed, cause his uncle is gonna come and visit, and let me remind you that it is a classroom that I’ve slept in. 

The next day I just push myself to go and buy stuff for the apartment by myself, and dragging around heavy stuff too, considering that its 4 floors high. Even though, I had an apartment to sleep in, I walked around the place like a homeless person. I only eat once a day just to save up money that I have left, considering I even have to buy water.  Aside from that friend who made me stay with him, all of my old classmates and old friends weren’t here to at least even have conversation with them. 

Before I started to follow up my requirements for work, I have looked around for dormitories that would help me save money at least, and I found my old dormitory. I transferred  right away cause it would help me save money regardless of the electricity and water bill. Even if I was so down, I had my friend save me and took over my old apartment even if they didn’t like it. Again, I never felt so ashamed and heart broken.  Going forward with the work requirement, I had to spend extra just because of my back condition. I was also anemic so I had to go see a doctor. How can you be not anemic if you are only eating once a day, and less sleep, I was so bombarded with problems, like one problem to another problem.  That finished, start working 8pm - 4am every day, paid, $250 a month, thats the only  job I can get without having a degree is how supposed to be in the Philippines. Isn’t it sad and unfair? Everyday at work I felt so lost and I couldn’t get my head straight with the training considering that I was so hungry and it was so hard to adjust with the work schedule. All technical training and something that I haven’t touched ever in my life; I felt like I was afloat but I kept forcing myself with out even have the energy anymore, but then again I do not have any more choice, do I?

When I get home, I couldn’t stop thinking about how to pay rent and pay the enrollment fee when I do not have anybody to depend on anymore aside from my patient boyfriend. I honestly thought that my boyfriend would leave me or wouldn’t be able to help me, because thats how of an asshole and negative I am. I mean who could blame me, not all people stay when they are in the worse situations. But he stayed along the troubles of my life, but it was a while when he can help me because of the vacation time he took to come here in Philippines to meet my family. 

[I should put it out there how much I have thought of disappearing and killing myself, just to end everything. But the thought of that just makes me sadder since I have accepted defeat if I do that, thats the lowest of low I can think of myself. But I won’t lie how much I have considered it and every moment I have would always remind me how much down hill my life spiraled down to and to this day, it still makes my eye so teary. ] 

So every afternoon, I pushed myself to go to work and hoping to get a good meal at work before I go work while I sleep the whole morning, meeting new people and classmates.  Despite that, I never felt so lonely anymore, aside from my constant video calls with my boyfriend but I actually had people to talk to. My new classmates (at work). At first I kept to myself, like I really need something or someone come into my life even if how crazy and depressing had it became at the first place, and for some new people it was a little hard to blend in since these are very young people. I’m just right over there in the side trying to observe, even some people are so judgmental, there are also people who are actually nice and they do not care what status you have as long as you’re cool with them.  The first few weeks were so hard since I had to be awake at 12am til 4am, and I catch myself sleeping at training too.  At first I thought everything is gonna look brighter, and it did... for a while. 

While I was working along with the call center job, I got a call from my old Dean. She offered to interview me cause they are looking for a new instructor. By then I felt like God has given me the chance to catch up. I thought that taking that job instead being a call center agent would actually be an advantage since its something that I have experience with; so I made my biggest mistake, I considered.  She invited me to have the demo; so there is one thing I need to do. Quit my current job. Biggest mistake of my life. Seriously had a fight with my boyfriend because he thinks that I should still stay at work while I do that demonstration, which I should’ve have listened to!!! but as confident and proud as I am, I went the other way and told him I needed my full attention to create the demo. As a loving and patient boyfriend he is, he still supported my decision. So I quit my job, earning only like less than $90 and took the freaking resignation.  So there I was prepared to do my demonstration, just to be told that she had an emergency so she had to ask another instructor to sit in for her instead. I did my demonstration and I felt like I did good, even the instructor who watched me said so. I waited and waited and waited, I even offered time to help with my former teachers to kill time to teach and demonstrate for free. I waited until it was my niece's baptism.  I went home and fix the awkwardness between me and my family. Had to confirm to my grand mother that i did not leave Ozamiz just to hide a pregnancy, thats how low they think of me, and had to hold Yana and really see her.  I stayed there for a while, having to play with Yana really made me forget what I went through and how I went through it.  Until ..  Me, my brother and his wife was watching a movie, the Dean just tagged me in facebook for a job opening. She didn’t say anything but I got her point, but I still messaged her confirming what she’s really trying to tell me, and she just said she cannot help me anymore cause she just saved her ass because the Department is falling down because of the K12 program. There were no students enrolling for culinary because of the new school program where freshmen have to take 2 years pre college courses. 

I got so devastated but I think Yana and my boyfriend kept me together. I waited until I got the call for interview and assesment for my schooling. After I did the orientation, I went ahead and applied for jobs, somehow with Tess.  I really thought she wouldn’t go look for jobs since they’re rich and they have business to think about, but with a temporary problem she’s facing with her family, she left their house and went her to Cebu. Day and night we have been together looking for jobs, but as days passed I felt like she’s changing her mind. She felt practical and have to do the business instead since she’s planning to go to Korea, and the only way she can get the visa is with helping her parent’s business. 

So I’m left alone again. 

I had been constantly trying to apply for coffee shops, kitchen, and online jobs and neither one of them actually considered. I failed online tests, I didn’t receive any callbacks and it just gotten me sad but I do not let myself get back to that depression again. I called my boyfriend and I told him I am trying as much as I could and as my resources can help me, he just told me to focus on my schooling and he will help me; but still stubborn me, I cannot let anybody suffer because of me. I needed to help myself as well, but I kept trying, circumstances are just trying to defy my luck. Dad called and he said the same thing, really surprised me. I thought my Dad would be the same as what he was like grandma, but he actually confided me to focus in school instead of pressuring myself to look for jobs that I know I cannot keep for long since I have a thesis thinking about in the future when school really starts for me.  So now I’m right here, doing a blog of my life, how miserable and good it had become but I still feel very lost because I feel like I’m slacking off and I couldn’t really keep myself “chill” because I am always restless. I have always thought that every time is gold, there is something I can always do aside from moping around sleep all day. And it breaks my heart thinking that my boyfriend cannot have what he wants because he is sending me his money to help me as well as Dad helping me along the way, even though he should have saved that money for his retirement.  Thats a lot for me to say and putting myself out vulnerably out there to random strangers who would read this or for my future self to read how stupid and helpless I was when I was younger.  I know I have a lot more worse experience when I was younger, considering how much of a failure I saw myself when I worked in the cruise ship, all my experience, the mental attack, sexual harassment, home sickness, and the embarrassment, but maybe I just thought of this because of how something I tasted so sweet and seen joy in my life in Saipan, spiraled down to how lonely and depressed I have become.  Is this life? 

[flanneljammies]

2017 Top 20

20. Vous Autres - Trente Pièces d'Argent Ominous French metallions playing blackened post-metal. The glacial pace makes the emotional turmoil of the throat-shredding vocals even more harrowing. Slow and low baby. (self-released | Bandcamp)

19. Au Champ Des Morts - Dans La Joie Atmospheric black metal that touches on more than just post-rock and shoegaze. A mastery of dynamics and arrangement allows these Frenchmen to dabble in doom, noise rock, hardcore, and straight-up rock and roll. They also choose to fuck with the established vocal conventions, eschewing throat-shredding shrieking on occasion and slipping into solemnly intoned chants or a sort of hardcore bark. It's desperate and melancholy and yet often strangely uplifting. (Debemur Morti | Bandcamp) 

18. Do Make Say Think - Stubborn Persistent Illusions Post-rock stalwarts return to form, making me almost forget about their last several lackluster records. More muscular and bombastic then they've ever been, DMST also seems to be gingerly testing the waters of math-rock. There are still the gorgeous passages of lilting, pastoral beauty, but never at the expense of emotionally wrenching melody. It's no Enemy Airship, but it's a good'un. (Constellation | Bandcamp)

17. Only The Bones - Death And His Brother Sleep This Chicago band describes itself (with tongue planted firmly in cheek one supposes) as "post-Fugazi." They're not far off the mark. Members of Swan King, Snow Burial, and This Computer Kills churn out jagged Dischord-style post-punk hooks that veer off into psych and metal territory occasionally. It's economical, concise, and packs one hell of a wallop. (self-released | Bandcamp)

16. Maximum Busy Muscle - Maximum Busy Muscle  Expansive double-drummer noiserock from Athens GA. Unlike most bands trafficking in the post-Touch & Go world, MBM dispenses with vocals entirely and go completely instrumental. But this isn't some namby-pamby post-rock record. This is a tough-as-nails excursion into a maelstrom. The razor-sharp musicianship teases out swaggering noiserock, post-hardcore, and mathrock. But when the band opens up a bit and lets your catch your breath, there's also some sort of weird psychedelic thing going on that I can't quite put my finger on. It's an exhilarating and engrossing roller coaster. (self-released | Bandcamp)

15. Gnod - Just Say No To The Psycho Right​-​wing Capitalist Fascist Industrial Death Machine Anarchist drone punk from the UK. Apparently the band has been around for the better part of a decade and their recorded output has dabbled in all sorts of styles. I'm just getting hip to them now and really have only listened to this record. It's got the singleminded motorik of krautrock and the shambolic flip off of early Fall. Gnod manages to wring every last morsel of tone, meaning, and dynamics out of a single riff and still keep me on the edge of my seat. These muscular and ominous mantra-like songs underscore the modern dread summed up in the title. Crucial. (Rocket | Bandcamp)

14. Breag Naofa - II  Seattle's Breag Naofa continue their forced march of crushing devastation. Their blackened post-doom is suffocating and yet somehow still sounds like it's about to take flight. Amid the pulverizing riffs and throat-shredding vocals, ugly and twisted melodies emerge from the gloom with just enough hook to ensnare you and pull you struggling and gasping to the surface. This is an epic, sprawling indictment. Subject yourself. (Halo Of Flies | Bandcamp)

13. Ex Eye -  Ex Eye Saxophonist Colin Stetson leads this arty post-everything collective. If you're looking some nice jazz sax here, you'll be sorely disappointed. But if you're looking for damaged post-rock colliding with extreme metal, you've come to the right place. Ex Eye often reminds me of Maserati without any of that band's restraint and a whole lot more blown-out noisy layers. At other points I'm reminded of weirdo metal like, say, Liturgy but way blacker (both in style and mood) and chaotic. Stetson's sax blends with electronics and guitars so that it's often hard to tell what's going on and who's playing what. This is a stunning, immersive debut. An heir, perhaps, to John Zorn’s crown?  (Relapse | Bandcamp)

12. Amenra - Mass VI Slow-burn doom from Belgium. The album begins with air-raid-sirens-in-the-distance feedback before a gentle guitar strum emerges. After what seems like an eternity (but really is only four minutes), the sky comes crashing down with impossibly pummeling guitar and drums and a tortured high-pitched screech. Amenra takes their time in all things. If that riff needs to go on for eight minutes, then goddammit, that's how long it'll go. Vocalist Colin van Eeckhout’s new-found comfort with quiet-n-pretty clean vocals hasn't dulled their brutal edge at all. He's perfectly willing to bide his time for the next round of blood-curdling histrionics. Majestic and crushing, mournful and melancholy, Amenra continues their ascent. (Neurot | Bandcamp)

11. Bereft - Lands Madison's own Bereft knock it out of the park on their second record (and first for Prosthetic). The blackened post-metal of their earlier material is mostly gone here, instead replaced by soaring atmospheric doom. The quartet milk as much mileage as possible out of the interplay between the two vocalists (sometimes hoarse scream, sometimes plaintive incantation). The bruising slabs of down-tuned riffs threaten to swallow voices and strangle guitar melodies. In the end though it's these atmospheric elements and a deft sense melody that elevate Bereft over their low-n-slow brethren. (Prosthetic | Bandcamp) 

10. Lardo - Sinking If I didn't tell you Lardo was from Chicago, I'm pretty sure you'd be able tell anyhow. Lardo plays slashing and angular noise rock that will sound familiar to anyone who's ever heard Shellac. Like that band, vocalist Nick Minor delivers matter-of-fact sarcasm about the banal. Musically, they're anchored by a bit-crushed, synthy guitar sound that, on paper, should become really annoying really fast. The fact that it doesn't is a testament to the razor-sharp and inventive playing and laconic songwriting. As stylistically indebted as it is, Sinking still manages to step out from under the shadows and forge its own identity. (Alliterative Accord | Bandcamp) 

9. Brutus - Burst This slippery noiserock outfit from Belgium is fronted by a woman with some ungodly pipes -- in fact, I’m constantly bewildered by her power. The tightly wound post-hardcore compositions are ear worms drilling directly into your brain. Add to that a vocalist more powerful even than Julie Christmas and you've got honest-to-gosh, fist-in-the-air anthem material. Burst is spine-tingling in its soaring majesty. (Sargent House | Bandcamp) 

8. Human Future - Flat Earth Blues Apparently this London post-hardcore band broke up this year, but they've left us with a compelling swan song. This is tough, grandiose, emotionally affecting stuff that gets under the skin. Sure, there are other bands working in this same general area (Less Art, Self Defense Family, La Dispute), but Human Future's take is decidedly more bombastically rock (rawk?) -- at turns muscular and atmospheric, replete with guitar solos and proggy, psychedelic spaciness. (Truthseeker Music | Bandcamp) 

7. Rainer Maria - S/T Ten years after we last heard from them, OG emo kids Rainer Maria are back. And it's a refreshing return to form. This "comeback" record is tougher, louder, and noisier then they've been since their first record. Kaia Fischer's guitar lines are as inventive as ever and Caithlin De Marrais' vocals still channel both emotional turmoil and ennui. Maturity hasn't dulled their edge, if anything they've honed their craft in a way only seasoned musicians and road dogs can hope to do. The amped up aggression and forward propulsion of their new-found joy of playing together again is tempered by well-considered studio experimentation and atmosphere. This is no nostalgia act. This is thoughtful people making vital music. (Polyvinyl | Bandcamp) 

6. The Kraken Quartet - Separate | Migrate A quartet of four percussionists might sound like a recipe for disaster, but throw in some electronics and some top-notch playing and compositions and it turns into a post-rock tour de force. This is the record Tortoise should have been making for the last ten years. Richly immersive and percussive (duh), Separate is modern jazz for the post-rock crowd. It's compelling and spellbinding and deserves a much wider audience than it’s likely to get. (Hand Drawn | Bandcamp) 

5. Oxbow - Thin Black Duke After a ten-year hiatus, the shape-shifting, iconoclastic Oxbow is back. Eugene Robinson whispers, growls, spits, wails, moans, shouts, and proselytizes over noise-rock filtered through a vaudevillian film score. Sometimes it's muscular and angular and other times it's lush and spooky. It's always uncompromising and beguiling. By the end of the record you may wonder what you heard, but you'll listen again either way. It may feel mostly subdued, but there's real menace beneath the all the layers; like you're poking a rabid bear just coming out of hibernation -- a bit foggy, but intensely hungry and unwilling to take shit from anyone. (Hydra Head | Bandcamp)  

4. Less Art -  Strangled Light   Emotional and arty noise-rock cum hardcore is certainly not what one would expect from members of Kowloon Walled City, Tigon, and Curl Up And Die, but here we are. While Less Art often recalls a kinder, gentler Botch, there's loads of mile-wide riffs and almost-calms that do indeed reference KWC. Mike Minnick's laconic, world weary, sing-speak vocals are the centerpiece, anchoring the serpentine arrangements. These songs heave and writhe, sometimes lashing out, sometimes turning to introspection -- but there's always desperation, anger, and resignation. Strangled Light is a ferocious and formidable debut from lifers who know exactly what they're doing. Here's hoping they tour. (Gilead Media | Bandcamp) 

3. Vanum - Burning Arrow This version of black metal is probably trve enough for the kvlt kids, but there's more to it than that. Burning Arrow is triumphant and processional, uplifting despite its claustrophobic maelstrom of blast beats, tremolo picking, and throat torture. The majesty and melancholy take on a narrative quality pulling you along to the next twist in the road. It's hard to explain without resorting to some bullshit sword-vs-sorcery trope, but fuck it... Your're on a journey towards victory. On the battle field you raise your fist in the air, heart swelling as you watch your enemies vanquished. Powerful and uncompromising stuff. (Psychic Violence | Bandcamp) 

2. Big|Brave - Ardor Lazy description: Nadja fronted by Bjork. That's not wrong but there are more layers. Glacially paced doom/drone with hiccupy little girl squeals? That's not exactly it either. Crushing, mantra-like riffs à la My Disco with sweet-yet-exotic female vocals à la Blonde Redhead? Hmmm... not quite. A swirling mass of Swans-like noise underpinning Julie Christmas? Fuck it. It's brilliant. (Southern Lord | Bandcamp) 

1. Aviator - Loneliness Leaves The Light On For Me I'm a sucker for emotionally wrenching, angularly mathy post-hardcore. This Boston five piece will immediately call to mind La Dispute or mewithoutYou but they're definitely not plagiarists. Hoarse, world-weary vocals are propelled by razor sharp riffs that never fail to tug at my heart strings. It's catchy, frantic, smart, and propulsive. Makes me punch my fist in the air, want to get in the pit, and long for my youth. (No Sleep | Bandcamp)

Other Stuff Other stuff that didn’t make the list, but that I listened to a lot this year.

Breag Naofa - Cearo (self-released) Blackened post-doom from Seattle

BRZRKRZ - Fever Dream Kitchen (self-released) Electronic atmospheric beats for the lounge at the end of the unvierse

Buzzooko - Giza (Retrovox) Giddy Italian Jesus Lizard-worship.

Chavez -  Cockfighters (Matador) The influential arty indie band releases a three-song single after 20 years of activity. But come on! Only three songs and no tour plans?!?

Goddamned Animals - My Second Cult Suicide (self-released) Noisy Portland post-hardcore straddling the line between These Arms Are Snakes and San Diego chaotic hardcore.

Heaven In Her Arms - White Halo (Moment Of Collapse) Japanese Envy worship with lots of guitar solos.

Lotus Ash - The Evening Redness (self-released) Doomy sludge or is it sludgy doom? From Milwaukee.

Loyalists - Ride the Trashheap of Sound (self-released) Weird and arty noise-rock from Oakland. 

M. Martin -  A Harvest of Ice (Rare Plant) Gothy and apocalyptic collection of songs from Coordinated Suicides main man. 

Monotrope - Unifying Receiver (New Atlantis) Complex instrumental noisy math rock.

New Cowboy Builders - Used Future (self-released) Final recordings form the Welsh band that is equal parts Fall and Big Black.

Often The Thinker - Better Part of Vice (self-released) Superb 2016 release from this far-flung post-rock collective. Lush arrangements and stellar playing.

Sannhet - So Numb (Profound Lore) The NYC blackgaze band has succumbed to the dark side of shoegaze -- barely a blast beat to be found.

Throane - Plus Une Main A Mordre (Debemur Morti) Claustrophobic blackened doom from France.

Underhand -  Roman Numeral One (self-released) Muscular instrumental post-rock from Chicago.

UT - δ γ ε β (Taxi Driver) Chaotic Italian noiserock. Equal parts Blood Brothers and Slint.

Wailin’ Storms - Sick City (Antena Krzyku) Gothy noiserock from Durham NC. I hear loads of Echo and Bunnymen.

When Icarus Falls - Resilience (Czar Of Crickets) Mathy Swiss post-metal. Lots of Cult of Luna-worship.

Chelsea Wolfe - Hiss Spun (Sargent House) Another electro-goth outing from the mysterious chanteuse.