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letterboxd · 4 years

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Pride: 25 Queer Films To Love.

Dating Amber writer and director David Freyne introduces our London correspondent Ella Kemp to 25 of his favorite LGBTQIA films.

A coming-out, coming-of-age film, David Freyne’s Dating Amber follows “baby gays” Eddie (Fionn O’Shea) and Amber (Lola Petticrew), who act as each other’s beards in order to stop speculation about their sexualities. Released on Amazon Prime Video in the UK for Pride month, it’s winning praise from Letterboxd members as a “charming” and “gentle” comedy-drama “full of loveliness that extends beyond the Irish accents”.

Lola Petticrew and Fionn O’Shea as Amber and Eddie in ‘Dating Amber’.

As the number of films by and about the gay and trans community expands, we asked Freyne if he could narrow down a list of ten favorites for us. The answer was no—instead, we got 25!

“There are so many extraordinary queer films beyond this list, but all of these films just really affected me when I saw them. Some were the first time I saw queerness on screen, while I deeply identified with others. And, as a filmmaker, each of them makes me braver to fight to tell stories that aren't always easy to get made.

“They are in no particular order because I don’t want to bump into Barry Jenkins (which is obviously going to happen) and have to explain that he is number five on that list (that he will definitely read) for no specific reason. It’s just a technicality.”

David Freyne’s 25 Favorite LGBTQIA+ Films

My Summer of Love (2004) Directed by Paweł Pawlikowski

Paweł Pawlikowski’s film feels like a dream that sweeps you up along with it, helped along by incredible early performances from Natalie Press and Emily Blunt. The hypnotic use of Goldfrapp's ‘Lovely Head’ is probably my favorite use of a song in any film ever. Their drug-fuelled dancing was a massive inspiration for Eddie and Amber’s baby steps into Dublin’s gay scene in Dating Amber.

Weekend (2011) Directed by Andrew Haigh

I never fail to cry buckets at the end of this heartbreaking gem. It’s small in the best sense of the word. Two people fall in love over one intimate weekend. Their gayness is both incidental and totally fundamental. It’s so delicate and moving. Andrew Haigh is a master.

But I’m a Cheerleader (1999) Directed by Jamie Babbit

Jamie Babbit’s debut is a brilliant, campy comedy about a cheerleader sent to a conversion therapy camp. I love it for all the reasons many critics (at the time) disliked it. It is subversive, quirky and defiantly upbeat. And it stars Natasha Lyonne and Clea Duvall. Enough said.

Paris is Burning (1990) Directed by Jennie Livingston

I’m not saying anything new when I say that Paris is Burning is necessary viewing. It’s a hilarious, moving and eye-opening look at the (mostly) Black trans women in New York’s ball scene. It is a glimpse into the lives of these extraordinary people who risked everything to live authentically, for themselves and each other. And at a time when our trans family is so under attack, it is vital to see such iconic figures from our community. You’ve probably seen it. Re-watch it. Also those end notes will make you cry.

Happy Together (1997) Directed by Wong Kar-wai

As with all Wong Kar-wai’s work, it is jaw-droppingly gorgeous. It’s a tough watch, a portrait of a toxic, failing relationship. But it looks beautiful. They’re miserable and co-dependent. It’s abusive and awful. But it’s great. It really is a great film. I’m not selling this one well. Just watch it.

Moonlight (2016) Directed by Barry Jenkins

Definitely worth watching after Happy Together. Not just because it will make you feel better, but because Barry Jenkins has noted it as a big influence. Also, Moonlight is a masterpiece. You know that, of course. Side note: I realize I’ll never be able to create a hand-job scene as powerful and tender as Jenkins did here, but, in Dating Amber, I made three comedy hand-jobs. Take that Jenkins!

God’s Own Country (2017) Directed by Francis Lee

You can feel Francis Lee in every frame of this film. It’s personal filmmaking at its very best, with wonderful performances from Josh O’Connor and Alec Secăreanu. And it has the most beautifully romantic ending that you only realize we lack for LGBTQ characters when you see it laid out so wonderfully. When we were trying to finance Dating Amber and people suggested it was too Irish, I’d just reference God’s Own Country, which is so defiantly Yorkshire, and they’d shut up. Also, Secăreanu’s jumper with a thumb hole is my style icon. Bring on Ammonite!

Can You Ever Forgive Me? (2018) Directed by Marielle Heller

Marielle Heller is such a brilliant filmmaker. This film is based on the memoir by Lee Israel who forged letters by famous people to sell. It’s a genre piece that feels like it could have been made in the 70s. But what I love about it the most is that it is a rare example of a film that centers the friendship between a lesbian and a gay man. Why do films usually treat us like we exist in totally separate worlds? Anyway, it’s a joyous watch.

Tangerine (2015) Directed by Sean Baker

I’m obsessed with tightly plotted films and Tangerine doesn’t waste a frame. It’s 88 minutes of pure wit, charm and entertainment in line with the best of old-school Hollywood. You instantly forget that Baker’s film is shot on an iPhone and just get swept up in the extraordinary performances of Mya Taylor and Kitana Kiki Rodriguez. It’s such a mystery they don’t work more. (Reader: it’s not a mystery. It’s because they are Black trans women, and the industry is shit.)

Portrait of a Lady On Fire (2019) Directed by Céline Sciamma

We all bow at the alter of Céline Sciamma. This film is perfection. The sparse-but-powerful use of music, exquisite photography and extraordinary performances that burn beneath the stillness. The final shots of Adèle Haenel will feed your soul for a year. (Side note: face masks have never looked so stylish.)

Sunday Bloody Sunday (1971) Directed by John Schlesinger

This was John Schlesinger’s follow up to his best-known film, Midnight Cowboy. A middle-aged gay doctor (Peter Finch), and a divorced woman (Glenda Jackson), are both in an open love triangle with a younger, bisexual sculptor (Murray Head). It’s quite low-key and far tamer now than when it was released, but it’s a beautiful film and Schlesinger’s most personal. He was one of the few openly gay directors of his time. And Jackson’s performance steals it.

Far From Heaven (2002) Directed by Todd Haynes

Todd Haynes’ stunning film will make you immediately go out and discover all of Douglas Sirk’s glorious technicolor melodramas. Julianne Moore’s performance as a wife who discovers her husband is gay will break you. Dennis Quaid is also terrific as her closeted husband.

The Watermelon Woman (1996) Directed by Cheryl Dunye

Cheryl Dunye’s low-budget debut is a seminal queer film. A video store worker and documentarian (played by Dunye) starts a new relationship while becoming obsessed with ‘the watermelon woman’, a Black actress forgotten by history. It’s lo-fi, funny and a, far too rare, film about race and sexuality.

My Beautiful Laundrette (1985) Directed by Stephen Frears

It may have been the first time I saw gay characters on screen and, at the time, it petrified me. But what an amazing film about love, acceptance and the power to change. Fun fact: Daniel Day-Lewis spent a year as a tumble dryer in preparation for his role.

Beautiful Thing (1996) Directed by Hettie MacDonald

Hettie MacDonald’s coming-of-age film is so lovely, honest and tender. James Harvey adapted it from his own play of the same name. The soundtrack is almost entirely The Mamas and the Papas. I am surprised some cigar-smoking West-End mogul hasn’t attempted a musical adaptation. Or maybe they have, I don’t know.

Pride (2014) Directed by Matthew Warchus

Such a purely entertaining film while being urgent, political and deeply moving. Beresford’s script is a masterclass in plotting and if you don’t cry at the end then you are dead inside. Sorry but that’s just science. Also it has the most emotional postscript coda since, well, Paris is Burning.

Love is Strange (2014) Directed by Ira Sachs

Ira Sachs is one of my favorite current filmmakers and criminally underrated. I mean, he’s appreciated, but he needs to be lauded. Love is Strange is such a charming and quietly devastating love story about an older gay couple who lose their apartment and have to couch surf with relatives. It’s one of the most effective films in dealing with the rental crisis in big cities, something he does equally brilliantly in the follow-up, Little Men.

A Fantastic Woman (2017) Directed by Sebastián Lelio

Sebastián Lelio’s film is a beautiful story about one trans woman’s grief after the unexpected death of her older partner. But what makes this film so spectacular is the captivating performance by Daniela Vega. We need to see more of her on screen.

BPM (Beats per Minute) (2017) Directed by Robin Campillo

It’s a film about the AIDS activism of Act Up in 1990s Paris. What makes this so incredible is how joyous it is. Strobe-doused dance scenes punctuate this film that will make you want to take to the streets and fight for your rights.

The Queen of Ireland (2015) Directed by Conor Horgan

This documentary by Conor Horgan follows Ireland’s most famous drag queen, Panti Bliss (aka Rory O’Neill). It’s about his life, a legal battle (a bunch of homophobes sued Rory for calling them homophobes on national TV) and the staging of a show in his hometown. Central to all this is Ireland’s historic vote on marriage equality, something that Panti was a powerful figure in. If you want to laugh and have your heart soar in seeing confirmation of how a once painfully conservative country moved to love and equality, watch this.

The Kids Are All Right (2010) Directed by Lisa Cholodenko

Lisa Cholodenko’s feature is a warm, witty and realistic look at a lesbian couple and their children. Every performance is pitch perfect. I can’t believe it’s a decade old and that we have had so few similar films since.

Booksmart (2019) Directed by Olivia Wilde

We need more joyous films with queer leads and Olivia Wilde’s debut is just that. Set over one night of belated partying, we follow best friends Molly and Amy (Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever), one of whom happens to be a lesbian. It is just so much fun to watch.

All About My Mother (1999) Directed by Pedro Almodóvar

I mean this list could just be an Almodóvar filmography, but All About My Mother just happened to be the first of his I saw and it blew my little gay mind. It’s simply about love in its truest sense. Almodóvar said it best with his dedication, “To all actresses who have played actresses. To all women who act. To men who act and become women. To all the people who want to be mothers. To my mother.”

Female Trouble (1974) Directed by John Waters

You can’t have a queer film list without John Waters, and this 1974 classic is my favorite of his. It follows Dawn Davenport (played by the legendary Divine) from teen delinquent to the electric chair. It’s hilarious, irreverent and distasteful in the ways only Waters can be.

Saint Maud (2019) Directed by Rose Glass

Rose Glass’s debut film isn’t out yet and so technically shouldn’t be on the list. But I saw at a festival last year and loved it, so there. It’s a horror film about a private nurse (rising star Morfydd Clark) who tries to save the soul of her deviant and lesbian patient (the always-brilliant Jennifer Ehle). It’s eerie, stylish and the sort of debut all us filmmakers wish we had. Shut up, you’re jealous!

Related content

MundoF’s Opening the Vault: a chronological history of queer interest and LGBTQ+ cinema.

Leonora’s list of Films by Transgender Writers and Directors.

Out of the Closets and Into the Cinemas!: meeting queer folks in dark rooms.

New Queer Cinema

Queer Films Everyone Must See

Queer, Black, 21st Century: A Pride 2020 List

Autostraddle’s Top 200 Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Movies of All Time

Brianna’s list of LGBT+ Animation

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peachtozier · 4 years

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Sometimes they watch all the movies that Richie has had minor/major roles in just to make fun of the movie and Richie is like “Yeah, I know, it’s such a dumb movie, but they needed someone who looked like they did drugs and i needed to pay rent” and eddie just finds this shit hilarious (bc its richie) and they always end up falling asleep together on the couch or kissing through every scene that Richie’s not in

god i love this so much... that ay chihuahua skinks fic literally is my life blood (i have no idea if i ever rbed it... must see if i can link it here for u!!) but yes ficlet time

richie’s movies suck. like, they’re really bad. most of them aren’t even funny bad- at least, none of the scenes without richie are funny- but richie adores making fun of himself, and this is a lot healthier than whatever richie tells himself in the mirror every morning when richie thinks eddie cant hear him.

this particular movie, richie’s only in shot to make a sex joke or fall on his feet - eddie jokes did they even give you a script, trashmouth, or did you just walk up on the street and they threw you in - but eddie laughs at all the bad jokes and richies sitting there like :} because richies dream in life has always been to make eddie laugh.

and the second richie is offscreen, eddie slumps against real-life richie’s chest, and looks up at him, big ol doe eyes in full working order. “how much more of the movie is there?” he asks, because somehow this movie about a guy learning martial arts but also at the same time seducing a girl who worked at a carwash was over two hours long. richie’s script, if he remembered correctly, was about half a page long.

“not long,” richie promises, although he knows the movie still has at least another hour, because if eddie knew that they’d turn off the movie and move to bed. and richie doesn’t want to go back to bed, he wants to make out on the couch while an old movie plays like he’s a teenager again, like he was able to get that teenager experience. eddie huffs, and just as richie wants him to, climbs into his lap.

“tell me if you get onscreen again. twenty one year old richie was kinda hot,” he mumbles, before he’s cupping richie’s cheek with his only hand and kissing him.

“no,” richie mumbles, threading his fingers through eddie’s soft tea tree oil smelling hair. “i don’t wanna stop kissing you.”

“you’re the worst romantic i’ve ever met,” eddie says, deadpan. “i’m already in love with you, you don’t need to keep romancing me.”

richie leans forward, and kisses eddie’s nose with a loud mwah! “i’ll romance you as much as i like, baby,” he whispers, and eddie snorts. “gotta get your eyes off barely legal richie tozier.”

“he’s hot, but he’s not you,” is all eddie says, before they’re kissing again, and neither of them even notice when the movie ends.

#ask #anon #reddie #long post

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athenagrantt · 4 years

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okay.

summary: buck always hated the whole soulmate bullshit... okay maybe not always but for as long as he learned two things: one, what is his soulmark and two, who his soulmate is, in that particular order or in which buck has the last words his soulmate will ever say to him tattooed on his arm and his soulmate is his best friend. warnings: major character death words: 4,497k a/n: hi! So this is my very first 9-1-1/buddie fic and so I decided it’d be a great idea to introduce myself to y’all with this angsty fic and probably make all of you hate me so… yeah, call me satan and enjoy! lmao (side note if you wanna cry more I recommend to read this while listening to tough by lewis capaldi *wink wink*) read on ao3

There were so may ways you could find your soulmate Buck couldn’t count them even if he tried. And from what he knew and he’d like to think he knew quite a lot about the topic since he was fascinated by soulmates growing up, most of them were cute, romantic and funny or some kind of combinations of all three. And since everyone around him fit into that equation, you could even say Buck was excited to find that person who was destined to be with him.

Everything shifted when Buck was a little older and found out there actually were not-so-nice and cute ways to find a soulmate and that made Buck anxious about the future. Instead of looking forward to his eighteenth birthday he was dreading it. Every time he thought about it his chest got a little tighter and his breathing quickened.

It wasn’t like he had to take a test or an interview or something like that to determine his way of finding his other half. He’d just know. He’d wake up on his birthday and just know how it’s gonna go so he shouldn’t be this stressed. But he was. And every year his anxiety just kept getting worse because just in three years, two years, one year he w o u l d k n o w.

And yes, he could be overthinking for nothing. He could be just as lucky as other people and have a cute tattoo or see them in his dreams or not age ‘til they meet and it would be awesome but at the same time his brain kept reminding him he could be the unlucky one and most of the time Buck didn’t even want to think what that would mean.

On his birthday, the birthday, Buck woke up feeling different. He couldn’t figure it out right away but he had this gut feeling something’s changed. It was almost like a missing piece of him was finally in its place. He felt whole. And the first thing he did was smile and exhale slowly, calmly. He chuckled quietly not even knowing why and got up from the bed strangely ready to take on another day.

Only when he was putting his clothes on, Buck noticed something on his arm which was strange considering the fact he could barely fall asleep the night before constantly thinking about everything the next day would mean. He took a deep breath and after few seconds finally looked at his arm.

Okay.

Buck furrowed his brows. That was it? Just one word? At first he thought maybe there’s more to come so he spent the entire day constantly checking his arms even though something inside his head was telling him there will not be anything else. And that little voice was right because when Buck went back to bed the same, lonely word was all he saw.

And then a cold, uncomfortable chill run through his entire body and it hit him like a ton of bricks. Something he should’ve think about right away. Instead of overthinking what the tattoo was actually saying he should’ve think about what was the meaning behind it. Because there was one and as soon as Buck unlocked that part, he knew. He knew exactly what that small, innocent okay placed on his wrist meant and for a few seconds that realization knocked the air out of his lungs.

Buck spent the next few hours sitting in the same exact spot on his bed, his breath shaky and shallow, the thumb of his right hand abstinently stroking the inked skin on his left wrist. He felt numb, not able to do anything to break his trance. He noticed he was crying only when the tears started dropping on his hand and still he did nothing to stop them. His vision blurry, the only thing he could see was that same little okay he was staring at for hours.

This was the last thing his soulmate would ever say to him.

He didn’t want to believe it. He wished it was a mistake.

But he knew,

he knew

he knew it wasn’t.

He knew that little word will, someday, shatter his entire world into pieces. Pieces he won’t be able to glue together. Because his heart will die. Literally. And there’s nothing he can do about it, nothing he can do to prevent it. All he can do is wait and hope.

Okay.

And just as he was lying on the bed, as if all the hurt wasn’t enough, Buck realised another two things. Yes, ‘okay’ will be the only thing his soulmate will ever say to him but he has no idea of knowing which one of them could be in a life-death situation. He just assumed that short word would be said when his soulmate would be dying but who’s to say it won’t be him and ‘okay’ will be literally the last thing he will ever hear? Thinking about it felt like someone was kicking him in the gut.

However Buck didn’t have much time to dwell on that because another thought wanted to be heard – Why just one word? Wasn’t his luck bad enough? How was he supposed to know which ‘okay’ would be the last one? Was he supposed to panic every time someone in his presence said it? Or was he supposed to just know like he knows he definitely was the unluckiest person in the entire world right now?

He had two possible choices - to just live his life to the fullest, knowing he or someone who he will love with everything in him might day and he has no idea when, why or who could it be or to completely close himself off to love, to avoid it like a fire and be miserable his whole life…

But seeing as only few years later Buck was working as a firefighter and chasing fires was literally his job the choice seemed pretty obvious. Somewhere along the way he decided he can’t waste his life. He won’t waste his life. The idea of losing his soulmate, one way or another, still terrified him, but throughout the years he learned to just ignore or silence that part of his brain. Was it healthy for his mental health? God no. But it was working so Buck decided to stick with it.

Then… Buck meet Eddie and again something in him started to change. It was even more confusing than the time thing like this happened on his eighteen birthday. But somehow, somehow Buck knew it had to do with his soulmate. He didn't know how Eddie fit in there but he must’ve.

Because Buck knew.

The idea of Eddie being his soulmate crossed him mind more than once but Eddie told him about Shannon, his w i f e, so no matter what Buck was imagining, Eddie Diaz wasn’t his soulmate and he had to accept it. And he did.

But then Shannon died.

And Eddie’s soulmark was still there.

And Buck was so confused.

Because that wasn’t supposed to happen. When you or your soulmate dies your soulmark dies with you/them. What happens after that? Buck had no idea but what he knew was that the blue eyes Eddie kept on seeing in his dreams should now be gone.

They were not. Even weeks after Shannon’s death Eddie was complaining he still dreamt about them. Buck suggested that maybe it takes time for a soulmark to completely disappear but the thing with Eddie’s soulmark was that it wasn’t disappearing at all. Eddie was convinced that it’s the exact opposite and the eyes he sees are even more visible than before. And at this point Buck was just lost.

When he met Eddie they talked about soulmates. And Eddie explained to him that even though he can see the eyes in his dreams, he’d only know for sure after he kissed his soulmate. He told Buck after he kissed Shannon for the first time he was positive she was it for him and then they had Christopher – whom Buck loves almost as if he was his own son, and despite everything that happened between him and Shannon he thought they would work it out. Unfortunately they didn’t and now Buck wasn’t the only one who was struggling with his soulmate.

He wished both him and Eddie had it as easy as their colleagues from the station.

Like his own sister and Chimney for example. They were both living in a black and white until they kissed and when they did suddenly the world was colourful and beautiful and the two of them were so happy and full of love.

Or Athena and Bobby. Bobby could literally see her in her dreams. He knew exactly who was his soulmate when he laid his eyes on her and when Athena heard his voice, when they first spoke, she knew it was him because the same thing that came out of his mouth was what was tattooed on her forearm.

But Buck’s favourite, to this day were Han and Karen. When they met their hearts started glowing. Han told him, jokingly that they must’ve really been in love because the glow of their hearts wouldn't go away for a whole week. And it only made Buck love their story even more. Mainly because when Buck was younger he wished that would be him someday. Finding love with a glowing heart.

Instead he was cursed with his little okay.

Nothing was okay and it was even less okay after the dinner they had at Bobby and Athena’s place one time Okay, no, the dinner itself was great. But they always were. As long as all of them were together in a room, everything was great. So they talked, they drank, they ate, they laughed and drank some more. A few of them would have a hangover the next day but they were having so much fun that the next morning wasn’t important. Buck wasn’t even mad when his team lost a game of charades – and if it was all Bucks’s fault because he kept staring at his best friend, no one has to know… except everyone knew. The alcohol coursing through his veins did not make him subtle at all.

It was weird. Because up to that very dinner party Buck never thought about Eddie in that way.

That was a lie.

He definitely did think about Eddie in that way but never before let himself think he could have something real with Eddie. He was so fixated on the idea that they weren’t soulmates he never even thought they could still be a thing. Not being someone else’s soulmate never stopped him from a relationship and yet he couldn’t bring himself to try and start something with Eddie. No matter how hard he wanted to pretend he didn’t know what was holding him back, he did. And it was pretty simple and obvious – he didn’t want to risk his friendship with Eddie and his relationship with Christopher. He loved that kid so much sometimes it scared him. The way Chris could chase all his worries away with just one smile was incredible and Buck would rather pine for Eddie from afar then do something that in the long run had the possibility of hurting Chris.

Where were those exact thoughts after the dinner when Eddie suggested they don’t stop the fun now and grab a drink or two at the nearby bar? Buck had no idea but he always had a hard time saying no to Eddie so they did grab a drink or two or four at the bar nearby.

So yeah, the dinner itself was great, it was everything that happened after that might have been the worst or best night in Buck’s life. To this day he’s not sure.

At first the night was going great. They ordered the first round of drinks and sat in the corner booth at the very end of the room where the music was just a little bit quieter and it was easier to hear what they were saying. Also, the light wasn’t that aggressive and when after good twenty minutes Buck thought about it, the whole atmosphere of the booth was awfully romantic. Eddie either didn’t mind it or simply didn’t notice too preoccupied with telling a story about Christopher from that morning.

They spent most of the time like this, talking and laughing, just like best friends do. Buck had even more fun than only hours ago when they were with the rest of the team. Something about it being just the two of them made it even better. And when the voice inside his head would keep on telling him it was because he had feelings for Eddie he’d just push it down, ignoring it before his heart would flutter at the idea.

It was so easy to fall for Eddie Diaz. Buck couldn’t even point to en exact moment he realised he wanted something more than friendship. The idea was silly but it was like Buck’s entire body started vibrating when he was close to him. When it happened the first time, for a second, Buck thought he was dying. He’s never felt anything even close to what he felt that day and it scared and excited him at the same time. Right there and then was the first time Buck thought about Eddie being his soulmate and just by thinking it his body got all warm and tingly and he absolutely loved it. Chimney was the only one who noticed his reaction and for a good week kept making faces at him any time Eddie entered the room which after a month was quite annoying but there was nothing Buck could do about it so he just learned to go with it.

Along the way everyone around him started to notice how taken he was by Eddie… Eddie being the exception. Buck was almost amazed by how oblivious his best friend was. Whenever Han or Chim or even Booby would say something to embarrass Buck in front of him he completely shrugged it off and didn’t give it a second thought. Sometimes Buck was curious what he’d have to do for Eddie to get the idea.

Like what if he were to casually take Eddie’s hand in the middle of his story? Without any explanation. Just hold it, maybe intertwined their fingers together and listen to the story like nothing happened. Would that be enough for Eddie to stop and question what was going on? Suddenly Buck really wanted to know and-

“Hey, man you there? You seemed kinda off.” Eddie’s voice brought him back from daydreaming.

“Yeah, sorry. Spaced out a little.” Buck chuckled.

“Are you calling me boring, Buckley?” A challenging smile on Eddie’s lips.

Buck wanted to kiss those lips.

“I’m not saying Chris would told this story better but...” He trailed off, teasing.

“Wow.” Eddie sighed, trying to look offended but failing.

Buck knew he should’ve stop drinking if he wanted to finish the night without embarrassing himself but at this point in his life he was also pretty good at ignoring his thoughts so that’s what he did and moments later was ordering another round.

He had no idea what happened in that short period of time he was gone but when he was back in the booth he had this feeling that the mood has changed. Something shifted in that little world Eddie and him were immersed for the last two hours. He didn’t know what but when Eddie emptied almost half of his drink at once he knew something definitely happened.

And then before he even had the chance to ask, Eddie’s face was so close to his, Buck could probably count his eyelashes if wasn’t as surprised as she was.

And then they were kissing. And Buck’s head was spinning. And Eddie’s hands were on his neck pulling him even closer. And he let him. And Buck himself grabbed Eddie’s shirt in his hands. And an embarrassingly loud groan escaped his lips. And he could feel Eddie smiling. And Buck hated how much he loved it. But they were kissing so it didn’t matter. Because E d d i e k i s s e d h i m.

Buck had to physically, gently push Eddie away because as much as he absolutely loved feeling his lips on his own, suddenly he knew and yet again he absolutely hated his life.

Okay.

Right after Buck broke the kiss, he could see how confused Eddie was. And he had every right to because Buck did kiss him back. And they both knew what just happened and what that meant for them but for some reason, after a moment of complete silence between them Eddie felt the need to voice the fact. “You’re my soulmate.” He said quietly and Buck was surprised he could actually hear him. “We’re soulmates.” Eddie said again with a smile on his face and Buck wanted to cry.

Okay.

He was fine with Eddie not knowing Buck had feelings for him. It was easier. It was safer. But Eddie kissed him and Buck kissed him back. And now the idea he was so quick to dismiss so many time before turned out to be true and Buck hated it. Because it meant he would lose Eddie. Someday in the hopefully long ass future he will definitely loose his best friend. One of them will die leaving the other one. No one said it had to be soon but Buck couldn’t let himself get his hopes up.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

It didn’t take long for Eddie to decipher Buck’s reaction. He knew how Buck felt about his soulmark and it was safe to say he hated it. It wasn’t a secret. And Buck always said he’s rather never find them rather than go through loosing essentially a part of himself. So knowing that, Eddie couldn’t even be mad. He could only imagine how hard it was for Buck to know the last thing Eddie would say to him. Now that he knew Buck was his soulmate he wasn’t sure himself how he felt about the idea but he knew he wouldn’t want anyone else as his soulmate.

“Buck.” Eddie said, his hand firmly gripping Buck’s shoulder. “Look at me.” He asked and took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s okay.”

“Eddie.” Buck’s breath hitched and when nothing happened he exhaled sharply and pulled Eddie in for a tight hug. “You’re okay.”

“I’m fine. I’m okay. We’re okay.” Eddie assured him and Buck hated how his heart stopped for a second every time Eddie said that word.

“Please never say ‘okay’ to me ever again.”

Buck was so serious it almost gave Eddie chills but he rolled his eyes to somehow loosen up the tense moment. “Buck. Don’t be ridiculous.” He shook his head, grabbing Buck’s hand. “Do you really believe that me not saying the word will change anything?”

“I hope so.” Buck sighed. “Eddie, I can’t lose you.” He admitted eventually and it nearly broke Eddie’s heart to hear how defeated he sounded. And Eddie wanted to assure him, he won’t but he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t promise something like that and he didn’t want to lie to Buck. “The only thing we can do is to live to the fullest and enjoy it while it lasts, okay?” Eddie said, adding the word Buck hated on purpose just to make his point.

And Buck knew Eddie was right. He couldn’t live in fear because he wouldn’t be living at all. And now that he knew Eddie was his soulmate Buck wanted so many things out of life. So just like he did all those years ago, when he found that little okay on his wrist, he decided to let that fear of losing Eddie motivate him to live his life like every day was the last one rather than stop living at all. And being a firefighter sure did help him understand how fragile life was, on a daily basis.

Even before he knew Eddie’s his soulmate both of them had a few close calls and right there one of them could’ve died and when Buck thinks about it now it would be so much worse. The situation he is now isn’t the best but it always could be worse. If Eddie were to die and Buck would find out they were soulmates before he had any chance to do anything about it he’s sure he’d die right beside him because of how broken his heart would be. At least now they had a chance to be together. No matter how long.

Months have passed and both of them were still happy and most importantly healthy. Of course, there were times one of them would be closer to the other side that they’d prefer, knowing the circumstances but at the end they were okay.

Until they weren’t.

The day started almost like any other. It was better because exactly a year ago they were in a bar where they discovered they’re soulmates. A year ago they got together and started their lives as a couple.

An anniversary.

Time really flies when you’re happy and in love. Buck could not believe it has been a year already. It was, hands down, the best year of his life. A year filled with nothing but the kind of love that consumes you entirely. So he insisted they go out and celebrate together. All three of them. Because it wouldn’t be the same without Christopher. Buck made a reservation at their favourite restaurant and was so excited he nearly started counting down the hours.

Much to all his friends’ joy he didn’t have the time to actually do it since the day was just hectic. Every call was more intense than the previous one and the last one of the day was the actual worst one in every meaning imaginable.

There was a man threatening a woman with a gun. He was drunk and Buck would say crazy. When they got there Bobby, Eddie and him went inside. Bobby tried to talk the man down, tried to reason with him but to no avail. It seemed like the man couldn’t even hear him like all this anger bubbling inside him made him deaf. Which was ridiculous of course, but Buck really didn’t know how else to describe it.

And everything that happened after Bobby stopped talking and addressed Buck and Eddie happened so quickly Buck didn’t even know what he was doing after he was in the middle of throwing himself at the captain. All he remembered was the man pointing his gun at Bobby and pulling the trigger. When both of them landed on the ground everyone present realised the gun did not fire. Buck let himself take a deep shaky breath before he looked back at the scene and oh how he wished he didn’t. Because when he turned his head around, standing up from the ground he saw Eddie charging at the man who now knew that now there was nothing to lose. He attempted to kill Bobby so he might as well carry on with his plan.

Before Eddie managed to reach him, the man quickly reload the gun and fired.

One.

Two.

Three.

Then Eddie landed on the ground, nothing but pure shock on his face. The only thing Buck could hear was the beating of his own heart. He was on his knees when Eddie fall down and now wasn’t able to pull himself up. Completely ignoring the very real chance of being shot himself he stumbled to where Eddie was lying in a pool of his blood, hand clutching his chest.

Buck was numb.

He had no idea what was happening around him. The only thing important to him was Eddie and when he reached him he took his hand in his. Tears were streaming down his face but he didn’t even noticed.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

“They’re almost gone.” Eddie mumbled, looking at Buck.

“What?” Buck asked even though he had a pretty good idea what Eddie was talking about. But this time, this time Buck let himself hope.

“Your eyes.” Eddie smiled, his eyes closing just for a second.

Buck’s wrist started to sting.

Okay.

“Eddie. No.” Buck’s voice broke and his heart was beating so fast. “You can’t-” He couldn’t finish. He didn’t want to finish. “Think about Christopher. You can’t leave Christopher.” He cried. “You can’t leave me.” Eddie’s grip on his hand was so weak it made Buck sick. “We have an anniversary dinner to go to.” He tried, he tried to be okay. “Eddie please.”

“I know you’ll take good care of him Buck. There’s nobody in this world that I trust with him more than you, remember?” Buck could barely hear him and the pain in his wrist was increasing with every second yet it still was nothing in comparison to the pain of hi dying heart.

Okay.

“Eddie-” He wanted to say so many things but the lump in his throat wouldn’t let him.

“I know.” Eddie placed his hand on Buck’s cheek. “I love you, too.”

Buck couldn’t take it any more. Still holding Eddie’s hand, he laid his head on his chest and regretted it as soon as he heard how slow and weak Eddie’s heartbeat was. How he wished it was just a very very bad dream or some sick joke. How was he supposed to live his life now?

“Hey, look at me.” He obeyed but when he looked in Eddie’s eyes he knew exactly what was gonna happen and if it was possible, he just cried harder.

Okay.

“Don’t say it. Eddie I am begging you, please don’t say it.” Buck was shaking his head frantically. His whole body was shaking and he wasn’t sure if it ever stop. “You’re gonna be fine. I love you. So much. You’re gonna be fine, okay?” He didn't even noticed what he said until Eddie smiled at him with all the love he had for Buck in his eyes.

“Okay.” Eddie exhaled and tugged at Buck’s hand. He couldn’t see anything through the tears but he leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Eddie’s. When he pulled away he was choking on the tears. Still strongly gripping Eddie’s hand he just looked at him before he noticed that his wrist wasn’t hurting any more. The one thing he hated about himself and now the only thing he’d of Eddie was gone and he’d never imagined he’s miss it.

Buck managed to whisper one last ‘I love you’ before he felt a pair of hands pulling him away from his now forever gone soulmate.

And he was far, far away from okay.

#9-1-1 #buck x eddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie fic #kingaftwriting #i'm so sorry #asdfghjkl #i was literally bawling my eyes out writing the last part #it hurts so much #i am satan #ANYWAY #hope you hate it enough to like it!#lmao #there are probably tons of mistakes bc i didn't proof read #so sorry about that

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reigenagain · 4 years

Note

For character game: Richie and Reigen please

jenni u know the way to my heart

under a read more bc this got fucking long

send me a character and I’ll break them down

Richie:

How I feel about this character

literally how much time do you have dhdhdj I have so much love for mr richie tozier. I really relate to his specific degree of internalized homophobia in ch2 and I relate too much to his usage of humor to deflect emotions. I also only see how valuable I am if I make people laugh, same hat!!!

All the people I ship romantically with this character

EDDIE and that’s it I’m sorry I’m such a one note bitch with ships. listen somewhere between bill “I think his first love was eddie” hader, the kissing bridge, and the go back to childhood and realize u can never go back, I lost my mind and I haven’t retrieved it yet.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

ugh I honestly love every richie/loser dynamic but my faves are definitely stan and bev. I feel like stan and richie is really underutilized but I love stan just seeing baby richie stuffing his face in the mud in like pre-k and being like “okay so if I don’t befriend this kid he’ll be dead by first grade. this is my burden.” I’m very soft with bev being richie’s partner in crime through their youth and it just doubles over when they meet again in their 40s

i also really like richie and patty! I can see them being very cute together. patty likes richie’s nicknames for everyone and she lives through his embarrassing stories from childhood about stanny she never got to hear. (also if were going into canon territory, I have a LOT of thoughts about patty and richie connecting and healing/mourning/grieving together)

ben and richie would ALSO be very very cute. I dream about that supposed deleted scene of richie accidentally coming out to ben in ch2 in the townhouse…. oh youve been pining for a good friend since youth and seeing them again u realize that nothing has changed? can relate

My unpopular opinion about this character

i actually have a few but rn I’m gonna stick with the least controversial one in that I don’t think bill looks like finn at ALL in regards of the child/adult actors HOWEVER I think bill captures the exact energy a grown richie would have from finn’s portrayal of him in ch1.

also I don’t understand the chee nickname and I’m too afraid to ask at this point

also also characterizing richie as like a super cool teen with black nail polish and hitting that juul is very funny to me. this boy is a loser. richie tries too hard to be cool but still cares way too much on how he is percieved to be actually cool

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon

I Don’t Want To Fucking Talk About It. you fucking know what I wish had happened

Reigen:

How I feel about this character

UGH reigen….. sir….. I havnt thought about u for a hot minute. I love reigen bc he’s some dude in his late twenties still kind of fumbling around and not sure what to do to make himself happy. on a whim he starts a shady business from the ground up where the entire practice revolves around how well he can lie to his clientele. but the thing is his advice is …. genuine. he finds himself in a position where people actually LISTEN and a small boy looks up to him and he finds that he became a purpose in someone’s life and a positive role model. reigen shows that it’s never too late to become happy (wow look I have a type) and to change yourself, and that u have an effect on people without realizing it

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Serizawa all the way. I think they really bring the best out of eachother and I love a good “we accidentally adopted a bunch of teens together” dynamic. Jenni I know u want me to say dimple and reigen as well but fuck you

My non-romantic OTP for this character

MOB UGH I’m such a sucker for a well executed “mentor doesn’t show it but does legitimately love their mentee” and mob and reigen are the perfect example of that dynamic. mob takes everything reigen tells him to heart and it KILLS ME

I actually love reigen’s dynamic with all of the teens but I have a very deep love for him and shou specifically? I feel like shou could defs benefit from the “it’s okay to run away” spiel and that he doesn’t have to carry the world on his shoulders.

My unpopular opinion about this character

REIGEN ISN’T A DUMBASS. I know its cutsy and funny to say that reigen isnt competent and how mob always saves his ass but to be completely fair reigen DOESN’T HAVE POWERS and acts like anyone would in the face of ghosts spirits?? the guy built a business from the ground up and had it going for a while before mob came around. I think reigen is very person smart and knows how to… not necessarily manipulate but appeal to their emotions.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened to this character in canon

I kinda wanted more reigen and mob interactions in the reigen spin off manga even if mob finally showed up at the end… however i know for the both of them its important for their growth to become less dependent but…. that’s his son…….

#skeilig #this got so long i just.... love them..... so mucj #long post

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madpanda75 · 5 years

Text

“The Romantics” Part Two

Welcome to Part Two! Big decisions are made and someone *cough* *cough* comes between Rafael and the reader. Hope you guys are in the mood for some angst!

Also here’s a gif of Baby Raúl....just cause ❤️

“Mami, if I smile anymore my face will freeze that way,” Rafael grumbled after the umpteenth photo was taken, trying to blink away the spots he was seeing.

Lucia waved her camera around like a madwoman. “One more pic, Rafi! Por favor! It isn’t everyday your baby becomes a Harvard graduate!”

Rafael gave you an apologetic look, winding his arm around your shoulders as you both posed for another series of photos. Graduation day was chaotic- listening to long droning speeches that were meant to inspire, spending time with family, saying goodbye to friends. It was bittersweet to leave a place you called home for four long years.

While your mom and Lucia were talking, Catalina led you and Rafael away. You had become close with her over the years when you visited Rafael over breaks and weekends away from school. She was like a surrogate grandmother.

“Congratulations. I’m so happy for you both.” She took your hands and joined them. “Even though you both are going down different paths, promise me that you’ll keep in touch. You are so lucky to have each other. It’s rare to find such a kindred spirit in this world. Hold on to that, mis queridos.”

“We promise,” Rafael softly said. You hugged her tightly before she went to join your mom and Lucia, leaving you both alone.

An awkward tension hung in the air. Neither of you knowing exactly what to say to the other person. You took off your cap and tried to fix your hair while Rafael rocked back on his heels, studying his shoes.

“So last night,” you both said simultaneously. He laughed and motioned for you to go first.

“Last night was…” you trailed off, biting your lip.

“Wonderful,” he finished your thought, tucking a loose strand behind your ear. “Have you thought anymore about staying?” You nodded and Rafael felt his pulse quicken.

“I have and I think I’m going to--” You were about to tell Rafael the news when someone interrupted by calling out his name. Turning towards the voice, you saw Rafael’s friends, Alex and Eddie. Alongside them stood a young gorgeous woman.

“Hey! I can’t believe you guys came!” Rafael exclaimed and ran to greet his friends. You had met Alex and Eddie last Christmas during winter break, but you were curious as to who the mysterious girl was. A stab of jealousy twisted like a knife in your heart when you saw her jump into Rafael’s arms.

Eddie caught your gaze and walked over to you. “Hey, Y/N! Congratulations!” He pulled you into a bear hug, lifting you off the ground.

“Thanks, Eddie! It’s good to see you. I can’t believe you guys came.” You liked Eddie. He was sweet and down to Earth, unlike Alex. While Alex was Rafael’s closest childhood friend, there was something about him you didn’t trust. He was fake and selfish.

“We wanted to surprise Rafael.” He set you down on the ground and motioned towards where his friends were.

“So who’s the girl that came with you?” You tried to mask your envy when deep down the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head, unleashing its fury.

“That’s Yelina. When Alex and I told her we were coming to see Rafael, she wanted to tag along with us,” he explained.

So that was Yelina. You had only heard about her once during a drunken Saturday night. Rafael mentioned having a massive crush on her when he was a kid then quickly changed the subject. As you watched the raven-haired beauty whisper something to Rafael making him laugh, you couldn’t help but wonder if there was more between them than just a simple crush.

*****

After a celebratory dinner with your mom, you stopped by one of the local bars to meet up with Rafael and his friends. You walked in and instantly regretted the decision to come, spying Yelina practically sitting in Rafael’s lap.

Narrowing your eyes at the couple, you felt like a fool for even being there. Rafael seemed otherwise occupied, he certainly didn’t need you around. Just as you were about to leave, Alex approached you, blocking the exit.

“Hey gorgeous,” he slurred, winding an arm around your waist. “Where do you think you’re going. Let me buy you a drink.”

“No thanks.” You shrugged him off, glancing back at Rafael, watching as Yelina coaxed him into doing another tequila shot. Your stomach lurched as she seductively placed salt on her neck, pushing his head towards her. He licked it off her skin before downing the shot.

“Damn, looks like Rafael is going to finally get his girl,” Alex said with a smirk.

You whipped your head towards him. “Excuse me.”

Alex arched a brow at you. “You didn’t know about Yelina and Rafael?”

“I...I knew...he had a little crush on her,” you stammered, your face beginning to grow hot.

Alex scoffed, “A little crush? God, he was in love with her for years. Following her around like a lost puppy. But she never gave him the time of day until now.” He leaned towards you, his breath reeked of cheap beer. “So about that drink.”

“Actually I need to go.” You made a beeline to the bathroom, tears blinding your vision. Splashing some water on your face, you stared at yourself in the bathroom mirror. “You’re an idiot,” you harshly whispered to your reflection.

Just then Yelina entered. She stopped in her tracks, huffing out a laugh as she looked you over. You paled in comparison to her. Dressed in a tight electric blue dress, she looked like a model that walked off the runway while you opted for a vintage t-shirt, jeans, and your trusty Doc Martens.

“Y/N, right?” She asked while reapplying her lipstick. You nodded, clenching your fists hard, your nails digging into the meaty part of your palms. It took all your strength not to lash out and give the statuesque woman beside you a black eye. “Funny, Rafael’s never mentioned you before.”

You met her gaze in the mirror, your eyes cold. “What a coincidence, he never really talked about you either.”

“Well there’s history between us. Maybe he didn’t want to make you jealous.” She gave you a tight-lipped smile. “So what’s going on with you guys? Are you two dating?”

Her words stung and the cold mask you wore quickly began to fall. “No we’re just--”

“Friends?” She interjected. “That’s so cute. Well, I better go. Don’t want to keep Rafael waiting.” With a final flip of her hair, Yelina was gone. The smell of her designer perfume hung in the air, stinging your nostrils.You stood there for a moment, glancing at yourself in the mirror one more time before leaving.

Rafael sat at the bar and checked his watch, wondering where you were as he tried to politely push Yelina away. Everytime he heard the door, his head would turn to see if it was you. But he was too late, you were already gone.

*****

“Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. We will begin boarding Flight 5293, non-stop to London in just a few short minutes.”

You quietly sat in the terminal, listening to the roaring plane engines out on the tarmac. Your mom walked up and handed you a cup of coffee. She furrowed her eyebrows in concern as she sat next to you. “Sweetheart, are you sure about this?”

You ran your finger along the rim of the cup, struggling to keep from crying. “I’ve never been more sure.”

By the time you made it home from the bar your decision had changed. You were leaving for Cambridge, even going so far as to call your mom and ask if she wanted to fly out to England early. You couldn’t bare to stay in Boston any longer than necessary.

In a way, you were almost grateful for Yelina. If she hadn’t shown up, you may have made a terrible mistake. You were so caught up in your love for Rafael, you forgot about yourself and your dreams. Sure, you and Rafael may have been happy at Harvard. But what about afterwards in the real world? Were you always going to be the third wheel in your relationship? Always wondering if Rafael settled for you?

It was better that you left and forget about what happened between you. At least that’s what your head said, you just wished someone could explain that to your broken heart.

“Attention Ladies and Gentlemen. We are now boarding for Flight 5293. Please have your ticket ready.”

“That’s us,” your mom said when your group was announced. The two of you made your way to the gate when you heard a familiar voice shout your name.

“Y/N!!!” Rafael ran through the terminal, waving his arms to grab your attention. He stopped at your gate, hunched over, grabbing his knees to support himself, completely out of breath.

Your mom motioned for you to go to him. “Rafi, what’re you doing here?” You asked, completely bewildered.

“I stopped by your apartment and saw Becks. She said you were leaving.” After the debacle at the bar, Rafael had tried to call you. He was worried you had seen him with Yelina and gotten the wrong idea. He had his hands full, trying to ward off her advances. By the end of the night, she had gotten so drunk, it took him, Alex, and Eddie to get her back to his place so she could sleep it off. He woke up early to stop by your apartment only to hear from your roommate that you were gone.

“Yeah, I accepted the offer last night. I’m going to Cambridge.”

Rafael felt the air in his lungs leave his body. He couldn’t believe this was happening. “Don’t you have two more weeks?”

“My mom and I are going to do some sightseeing, a little European vacation before I start school. I hear London’s beautiful this time of year.” You shrugged, mustering every ounce of strength you had to mask your pain.

Rafael gently reached for your hand. “But I thought...”

“You thought wrong.” Your response was like ice as you pulled your hand away. “Maybe you should go back and be with Yelina.”

He vehemently shook his head. “We’re just friends.”

Anger flashed before your eyes. “Do you always do body shots off your friends,” you hissed.

“Nothing happened,” he pleaded for you to understand, reaching for your hands again.

You closed your eyes, knowing if you saw the look on Rafael’s face, you would give in and stay. “It doesn’t matter. I made my decision.”

Tears streamed down Rafael’s face. He felt completely helpless. All he could do was cling to you and try not to whisk you away. “I don’t know what to say,” he whispered in a shaky voice.

“Then don’t say anything,” you whispered back, blinking back your own tears. He ran a hand through your hair, gently tugging on one of your curls. His eyes pierced right through you. He tried to memorize the delicate features of your face, the smell of your jasmine shampoo, the way your hands seemed to fit so perfectly into his own, as if they were destined to be clasped together forever.

You began to soften, giving yourself up to the moment. Leaning forward, you brushed your lips up against his, kissing him one final time. He cupped your face, returning the kiss, desperately trying to make you understand how much he loved you in that simple gesture.

“Final boarding for Flight 5293. All remaining passengers must board. We’ll be closing the gate shortly,” the woman announced over the PA system.

All too soon, you pulled away, brushing a tear away from his cheek. “Bye, Rafi. I’ll keep in touch.”You squeezed his hand before entering the jetway to board your plane.

Rafael walked up to the window and watched your plane pull away, placing his hand up to the glass. “Bye, mi amor. I’ll see you again,” he softly said.

You sat and stared out the window, your seat shaking as the plane began its ascent into the sky. “Bye, Rafi. I love you,” you murmured as the town of Boston became smaller and smaller until all you could see were clouds.

@glimmerglittergirl @southern-magnolia @delia26 @sass-and-suspenders @obfuscateyummy @eclecticminded @sweetcannolicarisi @thatesqcrush @katmstanton @amirightcounsellor @beltzboys2015-blog @letty-o @sonnysdoll @lyssa1385 @sweetsummertime99 @burningsorr0ws @gibbs274 @izzythefanfreak @riodallas @babypink224221 @livxrafa @esparza-army @ottosuricato @obsessionprofessional

#rafael barba #rafael barba fic #rafael barba fanfic #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba imagine #barba #barba imagine #barba fic #law and order svu fic #law and order svu imagine #the romantics #baby Rafi #barba x reader

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derryleadera · 4 years

Text

@korezni said : ‘ they write that i’m happy. they know that i’m not. ‘

1 bill denbrough cuts a rug

if bill denbrough were a smarter man , he’d know not to let his emotions run too high , the sleeve of his thick blue sweater pulled up to cover up his immensely huge heart , taking much more precaution when walking around the busy & glamorous streets of hollywood he has now come to call his home. a place like this will eat you up billy , came susan’s voice in the back of his head , serving as some strange , mock guardian angel during moments of deep thought & contemplation. you gotta keep yourself ready for anything ! remember to focus on the work , don’t waste it all away for a pretty face ! there’s a soft laugh that leaves his lips at that , knowing that despite the warning , it was already much too late to avoid that. of course , it wasn’t his pretty face that garnered his attention , although it certainly wasn’t something he could ignore ------ the royal’s perfectly chiseled features like something out of a storybook illustration , hair that was once cut at a military length when he first met him , now growing out & much softer , the look suiting when paired with his gray coat & bright , hazel eyes so full of warmth & contentment , particularly when the writer was near. wow , he hadn’t meant to fall for him , he wasn’t looking for that at all when they first met , romance the last thing on his mind. nik produced his first movie , so , of course , bill had to get to know him , both curious to find out that not only was his financier a wealthy fan , but royalty from an unknown country ( or nation ? he wasn’t much for maps , that was eddie kaspbrak’s job , the town compass ... who’s eddie kaspbrak ? ). working closer with him turned their partnership into a deep , close friendship , one that bill had been more than thankful for since the day he came to los angeles , just as some guy from maine with a typewriter , a suitcase full of musty clothes & a dream. one movie became two , & then another & then , it seemed that nik was to be his permanent producer for all of the projects that adapted his stories , ensuring that the film directors & actors did their best to capture bill’s words properly for other audiences to see. such devotion & kindness from such a man made it easy for the lonely author to fall for him , their first kiss nothing short of romantic , followed by more sweet gestures , their usual hand holding now laced with more meaning between their fingers. their love was something bill had never imagined for himself , but now it was everything he wanted & more. unfortunately , there was a catch , of course there was. the greatest love stories always had some sort of conflict tossed in , making the reunion between the two all that much sweeter , uniting them in a bond that would seem unbreakable. as much as the young , would be king wanted to anchor his heart here , here with bill in his home , where they sat eating dinner together , the record player playing a soft , mournful sounding instrumental in the background , he couldn’t. responsibilities back in ravka called him back often , & it wasn’t as though they were something he could ignore. weeks have turned into months & the separation would always take its toll , despite all the phone calls & letters they would exchange between one another. now that they knew how deeply they felt about each other , there was no turning back. waiting for him was hard enough , & bill feared the day nik would leave for ravka , only to never come back. not by choice , but by necessity. christ , he thinks , sipping at his wine that they paired along with their dinner ( an eggplant parmesan ------ bill forever thankful by how kind the royal was for finding dishes they could both share & enjoy ) , blue eyes cast over to his boyfriend , his melancholy gaze mirroring his own.

they were connected in such a way that sometimes , words were not needed. him , a wordsmith of sorts , never had to speak whenever he was with nikolai. & truth be told , there was a comfort in not needing to say or describe everything that was happening , to know that with one look , his lover could figure out exactly what he was thinking & feeling. but this time , the royal does speak , & his words raise such a concern that bill puts his fork down , hand immediately reaching over to gently grab his , the gloves are off & always are whenever it was just the two of them. of course the people in ravka would think that he was happy & content with how things were going , never once imagining that perhaps the royal didn’t want all this responsibility in the first place , that maybe , just maybe , he wanted to have a normal , mundane life where he could stay here , stay with with him , stay in his little apartment & visit him on set or in his own home whenever he pleased. nik had to leave in the morning , & bill knew that just like him , the trips were wearing on the royal too. not seeing him smile did things to the author’s heart , feeling like a gutted fish to see ruined features so sad & almost mournful. to end their night like this when they’d go at least a few weeks without seeing one another again ( only a few weeks he hopes ) was something bill couldn’t let stand. so he wouldn’t.

a plan is set in motionas bill release his boyfriend’s hand from his grasp , scooting his chair back with a loud creak against the wooden floor , offering nik his infamous , tired smile , reserved in the evenings when they were alone. there’s an unmistakable twinkle in his eye , one that could only mean he was planning something , a crazy , half - baked idea that , he hopes , would be the medicine the royal needed to be at ease for the evening. heading straight for the record player that sat in bill’s living room , he lifts the needle up to turn off that retched classical piece ( not that he hated classical , but fur elise did send shivers up his spine for some god awful reason ) & switch it for something a little more lively. a smile grows across his cheeks as he spots a familiar record kept in a nearby pile ------ a frankie valli & the four seasons record he got with nik on one of their many trips to the record store. an oldie , but a goodie ! removing the sleeve off of the old record , bill placed it on & returns the needle back in place , the music slowly starting. you’re just too good to be true , can’t take my eyes off of you ! you feel like heaven to touch , i wanna hold you so much ! as the music plays , bill walks over to the royal & takes his hand in his own , not waiting for a response before tugging him up onto on his feet & leading him across the living room , stopping only when there was enough room for them to move. dancing had become a past time for them , funny enough , as bill had never been much of a dancer his whole life. but with nik ? he felt like he could sway with the best of them , confidence in his chest rising as he takes the lead , moving with him as he began to sing along to the words , unafraid if he sounded out of tune or ridiculous ------ it was only meant for him. ❝ ... at long last love has arrived , & i thank saints i’m alive , ❞ he added in that word for him , hoping it would be enough to garner a giggle as his own smile grows more crazy & playful , the swaying movements turning more fast paced as he pulls him into a swing like dance , laughing as he sings between bursts of air. ❝ i love you baby ! & if it’s quite alright , i need you baby ! to warm the lonely nights , i love you baby ! trust in me when i say ! ❞

the laughter begins to die down as their bodies collide against one another , blue gaze meeting hazel & , oh ------ in the dim lighting of his home , it really made nik look more lovelier than he didn’t think possible. christ , he thinks , his singing subsiding as the record continues , the last few words couldn’t have hit closer to home : ... now that i've found you stay & let me love you , baby , let me love you ... ❝ nik , ❞ came the author’s breathless tone , tip toeing up to capture his lips before waiting to hear him speak , his heart feeling so full , he swears it could almost burst. bill knows nik is struggling with leaving & this show of love & fun , what he could have every night if he wasn’t of royal blood , only makes the pain of leaving all that more hurtful. bill just didn’t want things to end on a bad note , but it was sort of inevitable when no matter how happy they are , he still had to leave. for ravka , for his nation. ❝ i love you , “ he whispers against his lips , body still pressed close as they sway together , less to the tune of the record & more to a rhythm of their own design. ❝ i wish you didn’t have to leave ... i want you to stay. i want you to move in with me , i .... i just want you. no titles , nothing. just ... you. ❞ don’t waste it all away for a pretty face ! came susan’s voice again , but he wouldn’t listen. bill denbrough would give up the movie business all together if it meant nik could stay here with him ------ pretty face or not , he was more than worth it. love made it worth it.

norman fucking rockwell starters / not accepting !

#korezni #📘 * ´ ⠀ ╱ ⠀ &. ⠀ answered — answer the call.#📘 * ´ ⠀ ╱ ⠀ &. ⠀ v — sweep the streets i used to own.#long post //#( don't ever let me read before writing a response sjjkfkjgdnjgn )#( this got long )#( but.... wow the love and devotion ... these two have it ! )

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jspark3000 · 7 years

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Ugly Asian Male: On Being the Least Attractive Guy in the Room

Statistically, I’m the least attractive person in the dating scene. Alongside black women, the Asian-American male is considered the most ugly and undesirable person in the room.

Take it from Steve Harvey, who won’t eat what he can’t pronounce:

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Eddie Huang, creator of the groundbreaking Asian-American sitcom Fresh Off the Boat, responded to Steve Harvey in The New York Times:

“[Every] Asian-American man knows what the dominant culture has to say about us. We count good, we bow well, we are technologically proficient, we’re naturally subordinate, our male anatomy is the size of a thumb drive and we could never in a thousand millenniums be a threat to steal your girl.”

Asian-American men, like me, know the score. That is, we don’t count at all.

Hollywood won’t bank on me. Think: When was the last time you saw an Asian male kiss a non-Asian female in a movie or TV show? Or when was the last time an Asian-American male was the desired person in a romantic comedy? And more specifically, when where they not Kung Fu practitioners or computer geniuses? I can only think of two examples: Steven Yeun as Glenn from The Walking Dead and John Cho as Harold from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. So it takes either a zombie apocalypse or the munchies to see a fully breathing Asian male lead, or a Photoshop campaign #StarringJohnCho for an Asian protagonist with actual thoughts in his head.

It’s so rare to see a three-dimensional Asian male character, with actual hopes and dreams, that Steven Yeun remarks in GQ Magazine:

GQ Magazine: When you look back on your long tenure on The Walking Dead, what makes you proudest?

Steven Yeun: Honestly, the privilege that I had to play an Asian-American character that didn’t have to apologize at all for being Asian, or even acknowledge that he was Asian. Obviously, you’re going to address it. It’s real. It’s a thing. I am Asian, and Glenn is Asian. But I was very honored to be able to play somebody that showed multiple sides, and showed depth, and showed a way to relate to everyone. It was quite an honor, in that regard. This didn’t exist when I was a kid. I didn’t get to see Glenn. I didn’t get to see a fully formed Asian-American person on my television, where you could say, “That dude just belongs here.” Kids, growing up now, can see this show and see a face that they recognize. And go, “Oh my god. That’s my face too.”

Growing up, I never had that, either. I can’t help but think of this scene from the biopic, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story, in which Bruce Lee watches the controversial Asian stereotype played by Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s to a theater filled with derisive laughter. This moment with Bruce Lee is most likely fictional, but the weight of it is not lost on us:

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This was a powerful moment for me as a kid, because I grew up with the same sort of mocking laughter, whether it was watching Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with my white neighbors, or being assailed by the Bruce Lee wail in the local grocery store. I knew they were laughing at me, and not with.

“But hey wait!”—I’m told, with fervent knowing, “I know some Asian guys who are hot!” and I’m pointed to an infamous Buzzfeed list that shows “the hottest Asian men who will prove you wrong about Asian men,” with zero irony. Yes, I’ve seen the list. And yes, they’re like I expected: hard-rock glistening abs that are impossible for the working Asian dad, with classically European, chiseled faces and surgically-lifted eyes. More than that, it plays into the same creepy objectification of Asians as sexual play-toys.

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Perhaps even worse than the portrayal of Asian men is how they’re not. More often, an acting role becomes “whitewashed” to suit a global audience, or an Anglo-American is the audience-avatar as a safety net for box office returns (remember, the last samurai in The Last Samurai was white).

I know this is a shrill, ill-discussed subject with all kinds of variables, but from the prosthetic slanted eyes in Cloud Atlas to race-bleaching in Ghost in the Shell to the the “Yellow Peril” demonizing of Asian males as evil ninjas and drug dealers in Daredevil and Iron Fist, Asian-Americans—especially males, as females can still literally serve as co-stars—are vastly both mis- and under-represented. We’re used for a footnote joke at the Academy Awards (the same year that there was a campaign called #OscarsSoWhite), an overly loud insane person in raunchy comedies like The Hangover or Saving Silverman, or a “funny foreigners” punchline in the falsely interpreted romantic comedy, 500 Days of Summer.

One of the obvious reasons that Asian-Americans are sidelined in the mainstream is because there’s no money in it. It’s that simple. Freddie Wong, in his parody video of Ghost in the Shell casting Scarlett Johansson, says it best:

“Because, as a studio executive, the immorality of whitewashing a beloved work of Japanese culture is outweighed by my fear that audiences won’t want to watch a movie starring an Asian woman. And I don’t have the balls to take that risk. Besides, whatever political outrage this decision evokes doesn’t materially effect how much money I make.”

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In other words, we’re stuck in a Catch-22. There can be no roles for an Asian-American unless it guarantees a profit, but since we’re not portrayed regularly in most media, there’s never a chance for Asian-American leads to draw a profit in the first place. I get the bottom line here, and I’m not so oblivious to consider that investors are all idealistic innovators. The creative risk is too daring. From an executive’s point of view, I can almost painfully understand.

So besides whitewashing an entirely Asian property, the next best thing is to throw in a scrap of representation by using the whole stereotype. Make the Asian guy the smartest or the martial artist, and there’s your token diversity. It’s why major Hollywood blockbusters have now made shoehorned references to China: because they’re a huge source of box office revenue, and a pandering shout-out to China, no matter how forced or unoriginal, will mean more ticket sales. (It’s even going the other way, with Chinese movies like The Great Wall casting a white role to get more sales in America.)

Yet these roles have little nuance and only serve to further someone else’s plot. I’m the Manic Pixie Dream Girl and the Magical Negro, rolled into a non-threatening sidekick or the meditative Zen master. I will never be the action star or the romantic lead. God forbid that an Asian-American male would ever win against a non-Asian.

In some cases, Asians have capitalized on their own mockery by making fun of themselves in minstrel-like deprecation. I was surprised to find that the first winner of Last Comic Standing was a Vietnamese-American named Dat Phan, until I saw his routine, which went for the lowest hanging fruit possible. If you can’t beat the laughter, why not become the jester? Even other Asians want in on their own sabotage.

Representation for the Asian-American only seems to happens when it aims for the least common denominator. The cheapest move, of course, is to completely hijack the “exotic quaintness” of Asian culture without going “fully Asian,” in order to boost a pseudo-masculinity. It’s easy: throw in Chinese tattoos or an Asian-type mysticism, and the non-Asian character instantly gains credibility. You can make up an Asian-sounding name, like “David Wong,” actual name Jason Pargin, a white author at Cracked.com, or Michael Derrick Hudson, a white poet who uses pen name “Yi-Fen Chou,” and watch the doors open. All the benefits, none of the fuss. Use my name without the actual struggle.

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Of course, Asian-Americans are accused of allowing such undercover racism in the mainstream because we’re silent, passive, and obedient. We’re easy targets. We don’t typically march or cause disruption. We’re not socially involved. It’s why a huge clothing company like Abercrombie & Fitch can make shirts with Asian stereotypes like “Two Wongs Can Make It White.” It’s why Stephen Colbert (whom I love, by the way), can get away with non-apologies when he cracks yet another Asian joke. It’s why Ryo Oyamada, a 24 year old Japanese college student, can get run over by a police car in New York, and the officer goes free and no one chants in the streets.

If you replaced the race with any other, the response would be louder, with solidarity on every side. Asian? No one cares. Literally and statistically, no one cares. Worst of all, it appears that Asians don’t care, either. It’s always a surprise when we speak up. You can drag an Asian-American off an airplane, and the most noise you’ll hear from other Asians is that they just don’t want to be seen as noisy and displeasing.

The thing is, there are no shortage of Asian-American men who are physically and intellectually desirable, who could portray themselves as fully living beings with compelling stories and relatable conflicts. Is it possible that the mainstream, for all its talk about diversity, is afraid of encountering a man who is both Asian-American and attractive? Is it simply intolerable to witness an Asian-American switch lanes between the sidekick and the star? Has the Asian-American male been permanently imprinted as comic relief or Karate expert? Is it too culturally explosive to pair an Asian-American male with a non-Asian female? Can we really handle an Asian alpha male who gets the girl at the end? (Much less a non-Asian female lead get an Asian guy at the end?)

I have to admit that some of this is on us. No, I don’t mean that we brought it on ourselves. I would never, ever perpetuate blaming the victim. I mean that we can still fight against the pervasive, seemingly impermeable walls around the identity of the Asian male, by reaching and demanding for more challenging roles in every sphere of media. The shift in perception of the Asian-American male coincides with a shift in self-perception.

Is it also possible to take a creative risk without guarantees? I know today’s market is less likely to pave new ground, with its risk-averse eye on sequels and reboots and recycling the same tale, but I wonder how we can tell new tales without resorting to the cheapest, easiest cliches, without exploiting Asian culture for “mystical credibility” but celebrating its uniqueness with a thoughtful exploration of both its treasures and its trials.

I’ll leave you with a quote from Lewis Tan, the half-Asian-American actor who was rejected for the role of Iron Fist. In a recent interview, he says:

“I’ve turned down a couple roles. My agents will tell you when I first signed with them, I turned down the first three or four things that came up. I’ve just turned down roles that were super-stereotypically Asian that I didn’t feel represented me and I didn’t want to do. Not to necessarily say they’re bad roles, but it just wasn’t me. I’m not going to do this dorky Asian accent and just play someone in the background. That’s not why I’m here to act. I’m here to represent and to make stories that I believe in and to achieve new things in the industry.”

#Asian-American #race #culture #art #media #representation #POC #Steven Yeun #Iron Fist #racism #whitewashing #Orientalism #yellow peril #mysticism #appropriation #North Korea #China #social commentary

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guitarrod · 4 years

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This is what I told my soon — to — be — stupid son while he finally felt asleep after moaning.

Hey, Chip, Chip? Are you awake? You can face me, son, it´s alright to be scared.

Hey, Chip, don´t bury your face in a pillow. Listen to your old man talk so I may feel heroic for a while. Sorry about neglecting you all night. It´s a tic I got from the war, or Life. Neglect of civilian life. Maybe I may feel of service while you burrow in your rabbit hole. I got a confession to make. Being a veteran doesn´t help. It just makes you ruminate things at night. I´m glad you finally got to sleep.

Hey, Chip? Forgive your dad but I had to do it. You can learn something out of the old suffering and strife. Joaquin Phoenix´s Joker turned out to be essential. A sort of litmus test for your manhood. What we learn about ourselves in the battlefield, we carry to the grave. No I´m not trying to be funny. It´s easier to get scared now, when you´re a kid, then later in life. And it´s better to feel scared after watching a movie. Preparation, boy. Bootcamp. I´m conditioning you for anxiety. I knew from the first there wouldn´t be any superhero to save your day, boy. This is war.

You millennials, have social media and I´m deeply sorry for that predicament but I had nothing to do with it and try to be the least involved possible.

Technology? They take our taxes and funnel it into the Pentagon. For what, you´d ask, if awake? Research and Development. The cold war is over and the Taliban or ISIS wasn´t much. Your grandfather had Vietnam. When you´re drafted from your living room straight to the jungle, you´ll grow out of videogames. Hell, you´ll grow out of Pornohub.

Back in the day, some people showed the courtesy of being famous just out of the happy accident of being born famous. That was tough, kid. A world you never want to see again. A cartoon Vietnam. The enemy was finally home. You want terrorism? Have people pretend street culture ain´t manufactured. Hip Hop survived for a measly second. That´s the Nam. That´s napalm drilling a hole in your core. Vietnam had a better soundtrack than suburbia, kid. I apologize for America. But it is what it is. Soulless. Reality has its side effects.

Have you heard of the assembly line, son? Of dear old Mr. Ford. Well, he was chicken feed to Steve Jobs. Again, I´m sorry. It´s my fault I put you into this world, but I´ll take you out. Not out of this world. I´ll take this world out of you. Even if it kills me. But it will take more than ammo and bombs. There´s no one to shoot. Those assembly lines crossed the boundaries of Mr. Ford´s factory and now you carry that assembly line in your baby hands. Your smartphone, son. Whenever you´re online,son, you are enslaved to the treadmill, building nothing out of nothing, until it gets bigger and bigger and leaves you small and emptier. You see the progression. From the whip to a passive existence building a machine that will build another you instead. Your phone will eat you up. At least, in the first circle of hell all a man had to lose was his self-respect, down to the second circle of hell, all he had to lose was his humanity, down this third circle of pure hell you are annulled. You will cease to exist by an algorithm that never learned existence. Life can´t be computed by a virtual world. Life ceases to exist because it becomes invisible When a man spends all day at the factory, he knows where the line is drawn. He is bound to do the opposite once that freedom bell clangs.

When your great- grandfather immigrated to the land of the free, I refuse to add “brave”, you could see the country. Can you see it now? Or do you see concrete and malls? Steamrolled countryside. First, they mow your lawn, then then they´ll cut your balls.

Excuse the language, son. I know you´re asleep. You got other things to dream about. I can see computer games coming out of your ears. One difficulty level at a time. You´re dreaming of a dream girlfriend. They don´t build those anymore. But you get the picture.

I´m nagging. I´m just an old man to you. But I´m also a veteran. Experience breeds respect. No, you´re right. It doesn´t. I´m just spare parts. Not even. I missed the last upgrade. I´m not fit to be a human being. But I´m damn capable of being your father. They say you are independent and creative, that´s what they would tell the house boy slave. They got you in so deep, they have found a way for you to build your own maze. You carry it with you, at your fingertips. Each day you create a new corridor, new twists and turns. Your phone isn´t an extension of you. You´re not even an extension of it. Both of you have ceased to exist. They don´t need you, Chip. And they don´t need bullets to delete you. All they need is to upgrade the con. There is nothing better for the maHpresume it. He had an investment to increase. So, back in those days, you just couldn´t just go out and pick up an instrument, they made up such a thing as a professional musician. You left your guitar at home and saw somebody else play it. You stopped daydreaming and had a factory of dreams to provide you with them. And anything that will accommodate man´s unwillingness to move will make you rich. Wasn´t it Steve Jobs who said that man doesn´t know what he desires. Well, he does only he´s forgotten throughout the years. Steve Jobs is only a decadent upgraded version of a ral pioneer bitch like Mr. Taylor and Ford. He had the scheme laid out for him already. You buy your fun, boy. You don´t have it.

Have you seen that schematic design that shows you were to fit batteries. Well, that´s your country. Rectangles and squares crossed with straight lines. Do you think your great-grandfather needed to be whipped? He had a square lunch box he carried with him straight to hell. Do you think his grandfather ate at designated hours? He ate when he was hungry. He slept when the sun went down. He looked for his fun just like a dog will ferret out a rabbit hole. Now fun is designated as well. Defined by you who have lost your mind, ages ago. Oh yes, these things are hereditary. Conditioning is the white man´s burden. He´ll condition himself to the prom, marriage and the grave. It wasn´t always that way son. Corporations crossed the line. There´s your smartphone. And now, we finally get to the Joker.

Voluntary futility, boy. You can´t be whipped into it, you have to be born with it. Remember like I said people inherited fame in my time. Today they found a way to make things easier at the supply side. They made reality shows. But they waited their sweet time before they had the gall. They waited until you TV- fed beasts had enough entertainment, lived and learned your life experiences by show and tell through TV, went through all your coming of age rituals in your living room couch strewn with Cheetos and Doritos all over your stomach to be good and ready to learn every single lesson about life laying down. And then they superimposed it, Life, with Reality. Reality shows. Why hire real people to provide your life lessons when your own boring self broadcast on the screen could do the job. Don´t you get it? The age of reality shows is when the bombs fell. You don´t need napalm to be deformed.

And that´s the theme of the Joker. The joke, if you will. Look at me. Look how I´m talking. I don´t even sound like myself. I sound like the Cosby Show. Remember him? The nation´s daddy? Propofol? Remember Eddie Murphy? He told your jokes for you. He made you work less. You could repeat what you saw on TV and copy and paste. Now I´m talking about myself. Sorry, son. I know you´re asleep with your Roblox. It´s all my fault. I had one day of fun and I was drunk and now I got you on the couch with cheerios sprinkled all over. It wasn´t real fun. It was what they taught me.

So the Joker is about the total banalization of celebrity culture. Remember that scene when his social worker said nobody cared about him. She said nobody cared about her too. Nobody cares. Back in the day, we just cared about Clark Gable. Clark Gable lived in the mist of a glossy magazine. We envied the bastard. He had to walk in feather clouds and smile through his pipe overlooking a pool that looked real to us, the magazine swimming hole. Now Clark Gable, thanks to Mr. Zuckerberg, is your neighbor. So we can feel inadequate about him too. As much as we know his timeline is full of shit we can´t repress that animal feeling of inadequacy at the comparison. Your neighbor´s got the pool now. And the wife, and the car, and the reality show. After all, it´s about nothing and everything, isn´t it? It´s about forged envy. Even our jealousy is a compound of fake news. We made it now, son. Why fight terrorists. We terrorize ourselves.

Well, I got news for you. Your nightmares will last but not if I can do something about it. Celebrities have their lives documented by these phones, they can´t take a piss without being blamed for golden showers and orgies they can´t even brag about. We even elected the Mcdonald´s clown. Orange hair and all. Smiling little cruelty. He´s too inadequate to be a horror show. The real horror show is your envy and hunger for something that´s lost its flavor. And when celebrity culture loses its appeal, when it comes crashing down like a stale joke, then we´ve gone full circle. We´ll need a Michelangelo and a Da Vinci for the least credit. We are so sick of chasing fame, fame is chasing us. And you can only run so fast. Son, here´s the deal. A little metaphor. the 1% who have all the money creates a sense of poverty for those with two tv sets and Cadillac cars that a social revolution should be in order. But it will only come when not even a revolution can be romantic. When that 1% is your neighbor, then there´s a real revolution. The revolution of the sane and the hungry and the need to pluck and pick your own guitars. We need new riffs. It will bowl over. Here´s a secret. What makes man move isn´t hunger and strife, it´s pure boredom. And when the American Dream can´t find a way out, then look out!! Look out Da Vinci! look out Michelangelo! Look out Robert Johnson!!!

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