#its like i dont know i spent over half my life suicidal and im not suicidal anymore but im still like

[oflgtfol]

the marble nest is firmly slotting itself into that part of me that has that sickly warm bittersweet fascination with death and dying

[plantwriting]

Okay finished relistening to episode 1 (will listen to episode 2 and maybe more tomorrow but its like 10 pm and i have school tomorrow) of bitb and heres just like small collection of things that stuck to my mind!

Rolan does in fact canonically have a car i forgot about that so sorry rolan in my fic you got to live but lost your ability to drive such is life

Kian’s first act being just drinking something…. Like he wakes up and immediately gets alcohol… grizzly honestly just does such an incredibly amazing job making kian seem so like depressing but hiding it so well behind making everything seem like just some funny rockstar stuff its amazing

Also! The super tired ‘hey’ before he remembers and switches to ‘i mean whats up dude’??? Like could that have been a genuine mistake by grizz, sure, but i highly fucking doubt that. Like grizzly is so incredible at voice acting i refuse to believe that wasnt intentional

Rand. Just. How fucking mad he is at rolan. Its just painful. And how clearly done with it rolan is like you know this is an argument theyve had like hundreds of times before

So so so many details about kian that are so fucking fun to think about, specifically when he describes the look officer dudes gave him? Like (cant remember the exact quote but you get it) ‘ive seen some bad people in hollywood, people who just smile at you a certain way and you know you wouldnt want to meet them at night because they want to kill you’???? I am using that against him so hard holy shit

They just. Know nothing about how time works. They keep saying that its been a decade (it hasnt its been 15 years) and barc is supposedly old enough to have met them but no he is absolutely not and also charlie described barc as a golden retriever but then who the fuck is the black dog in rands official art just. Wow theyre so inconsistent about everything.

Theres definitely a few details about kian that i had forgotten about (like him just saying he has plenty more cars at home and whatever) but the pros of that is. I dont even need to decide to just ignore canon because i can just fucking believe that hes lying! Like its kian we cant trust his word on anything and thats great for me because i dont need to worry about messing up the canon!

Trying to just keep track of their stats and such but its. Its so hard. Because most of the time they just say ‘thats a success/hard success/failure/etc’ and not even what they actually rolled and then when they say what they rolled they still usually dont say what the number they had to beat was so just like.

Kian has 30 strength and 75 in guitar and 11 hp and that is all i can actually remember

Rand has 45 strength and 30 sanity (for like the first half hour) and ive already forgotten everything else

And rolan. Im going to be real i remember nothing already. I think he has 8 speed? But that was in the solo ep so i cant be sure. Also either him or rand had 14 hp i have already forgotten which one

Rat’s death is so hard to think about but its also very hard for me because im just thinking of kian going through the same fucking thing. Like hes aware of it and hes in pain and he just hears a buzzing and. Augh. (And kian probably died alone. God knows becky wasnt comforting him through that)

…..kian going fucking four times over the speed limit getting to galloway but then specifically not speeding with the others until theyre trying to leave after seeing rats whole thing? You cannot convince me that thats not like him being passively suicidal and just not caring about his own safety unless other peoples lives depend on it as well

Also, quick pat on the back for myself, i feel like i did very well with especially rand and rolan’s dynamic. Like just the intense care and love they have for each other but its been overshadowed by years spent apart and basically the second theyre left alone they immediately get into an argument and instantly start going right for all the things that hurt the most? Jesus they need therapy

Also kian (yes of course im focusing on him again thats my guy) just cares for them so much?? Like him immediately going after rolan and trying to help him without even knowing whats going on, also as fucking stupid as it is grizzlys plan being literally ‘im going to flirt with donna so john walks in on us and chases me with a shotgun to give a distraction for rand’ its like. So ridiculous. Yet somehow also very caring that this idiot is really willing to risk getting shot at to help rand out a bit

[kitthepurplepotato]

hey love!!! it's me! i dont know if you remember me, but i've been liking, reposting, commenting and following the series 'my weird roomate boyfriend' and i absolutly adore your work and writing, and for a while now i haven't heard updates from you, not about the fanfic but about you, and i just remembered you and wanted to ask how are you. i've been a little worried, and we really dont know each other and there's no reason for you to trust me but i really just wanted to make sure if you're doing any better or just need someone to talk to, im here if you need a friend!

im sending you lots of hugs and sweets and lots of lots of good!

i will understand completly if you decide to not answer this, but im really just worried for my favourite author and would be more then happy if you could give me an update for how are you doing!

have a wonderfull day and a wonderfull week and please please please dont forget to drink, eat, and rest and remember to not overwork yourself!!! love, me!

Oh my god, of course I remember you, silly! I absolutely adore you 💜💜💜💜💜

Also, perfect timing because I wanted to post an update on my situation but I wasn’t sure how to start or if it’s even needed?

Thankfully, things are getting better now, I just got sick from all the stress and the constant meltdowns I’ve had almost every day (yes, I just had Covid 3 weeks ago yet here I am, sick again, love my life.)

/warning for everyone - mentions of death, depression, suicidal thoughts and other bad stuff, also, a lot of TMI/

I’m not going to lie, this was the hardest week of my life and I don’t say that lightly (I lost my father suddenly a year before, and my grandma died in a house fire just a few months back.)

I had a really hard time understanding that all these terrible things do not mean that I’m not good enough to live and they aren’t signs that I shouldn’t exist in this world. I felt like life’s trying to force me out of its territory by terrorizing me until I break down, taking everything I love and cherish and it all felt so unfair. I really thought I’m old enough to not go back to that terrible place I crawled out of when I was 17, but this “thing” was the last straw.

With that said, I want to thank you guys for all the kind words and also my best friend @porusuniverse who woke up at 2 fucking AM when she had to wake up at 5, just to keep me company after having the worst nightmare of my fucking life and also for the ridiculous amount of hours she had spent with me and kept me fucking alive while this thing got sorted. She is an absolute legend.

I’m not going to lie and say everything is 100% alright, but I’m getting there.

/TMI OVER/

I am slowly getting back into writing, I have half a chapter of the Izuku one and the Aizawa one is almost finished! Also have a half chapter of the Bakugou one. I wanted to finish at least one of them tomorrow but then I got sick, so we will see when I’ll be able to post any of them. I’m trying to concentrate on the Aizawa one now as there’s only one chapter left and then I can give the other two the attention they deserve, but I’m also trying not to FORCE myself to write but rather just do what I enjoy so will see which one wins, eyy!

I can’t wait to be back. Like honestly, I miss Tumblr, your comments and writing in general soooo sooo much 💜

See you soon and thank you for being so kind! I’ll definitely bug you the next time I manage to go down the rabbit hole but let’s hope I won’t because I don’t think I have the mental energy for another round 😂

Cheers, everyone! 🥦

Kit 💥

[despite-everything]

just going to vent a little bit. i've tried not to post as much negative stuff as of late - i've really been trying hard to focus on the good stuff in my life but sometimes its so fucking hard. i've been feeling painfully unhappy for weeks now, but i've been trying to do things to make life feel worth living, including taking a ceramics class again so i can have access to a kiln. this evening, though, when i got in my car to drive to the studio, i saw my tire pressure light start flashing and it completely made me break down. i just filled my tires 2 days ago and had them all at the perfect pressure, so that means either one of my tires has a leak or my sensor is messed up. either way, it's super fucking inconvenient and i promptly burst into tears. i couldn't even go to my ceramics class because i knew that having to put on a happy face and chit-chat with these little old ladies in class would completely crush me, but also because i don't fucking trust myself and live near mountains and have a bad habit of nearly driving myself off cliffs when i'm unhappy. i haven't gone over the edge yet. but i'm worried i will in the future and i'm kinda trying to not actively kill myself. but there's some other shit going on surrounding my partners and i know i need to talk to them about some stuff but i dont want to and im so sad and unhappy and i never fucking get to see them so every time i do i just try to enjoy the moment but its making things worse and i know that. i know. and i know things arent going to get better until i say something but it really fucking sucks. im just exhausted. ive spent the vast majority of my life depressed and anxious and more than half of my life i've been suicidal. it's hard to live like this.

[llatimeria]

im still thinking abt the abuse anon from earlier bc its, inadvertently dredging up a lot of bad memories

abuse can make ppl desperate to cling onto literally anything or anyone so i like. get it. im not mad or upset w/ that anon at all, i Honestly want to believe it came from a place of good faith and that they do need someone to help them and that they absolutely deserve that help, but im just... i really can’t. i’m sorry i just can’t

its just like. i never claimed that i’d be able to help anyone w/ abuse. i reblog posts about abuse a lot because information abt it is a) incredibly valuable for people who need it b) interesting to me personally bc i like talking about people and why they do things, including bad things 

but im like. im barely 23. i have like. half a year of college under my belt and im currently on a leave because my mental health has been bad again thanks to covid. i scraped thru high school because i couldn’t cope with existing physically all of the time. the closest thing to a “qualification” i have on this subject is that i’ve taken 1 psychology class that didn’t actually teach me much more than what i knew beforehand somehow. i am seriously just a fucking guy and im a little afraid that my habit of Speaking Authoritatively could make me an extremely reliable figure when im very much not

there’s nothing i could offer you that would be more substantial just googling  “abuse” or “how to know if i’m in an abusive relationship”. i really... really don’t know more than the basics, and i don’t have a stockpile of resources i can get to right away either, not without doing a shitton of research. there’re definitely other blogs that focus 100% on education on abusive relationships too so i... dont know why someone would come to Me for this, or to someone with a larger following bc at least someone with a lot of followers could just post “hey can someone help me find some resources for anon?” and get a billion responses but I’m Not That. its not really that i don’t want to help or don’t want them to be helped its just that i... cannot possibly do anything for them and if i did just start running my mouth and saying whatever it’d be just. hideously irresponsible of me. i am not about to be the next “6p heals” yknow. i am not gonna be the guy who therapizes my tumblr followers for clout, as much as i Really Do Want To Help As Much As I Can

For some like. personal context about . why im This Many Paragraphs Amount Of Uncomfortable. i spent most of my early teenage years being incredibly responsible for the mental health of my entire friend group. basically everyone i was internet(!) friends with was desperately in need of actual help from people who could materially change their lives irl, but it was still My Responsibility to talk them down from suicide every 5 minutes because I Was There & i eventually had to cut ties with them for my own good so i didn’t off myself at the ripe old age of 15

i wasnt,,, fully innocent of this either. i was also in a fucked up place emotionally and i wasn’t always Normal about keeping my problems to myself or asking for help in constructive ways, but a) talking people down every 5 seconds was definitely not Benefitting my mental health b) every time i had a problem they would make it their problem and suddenly i’d be talking them down again when i was the one with the problem and it was just like. okay

those relationships Broke me & my ability to form normal human bonds in ways i Still haven’t fully recovered from years later. I am definitely over a Lot of it, thank God, too much time has past for me to just be clinging onto these feelings i had as a Young Teenager (and ive been in therapy. and ive just got a lot more life experience. and i just have other things to be worrying about), but it still definitely Affects Things I Still Think And Do just bc it was my formative years and a lot of it is lodged very very deeply into my brain in ways im not sure i will ever be free of

idk anyways my point is its taken me a long time to build the boundaries i have now wrt other people’s mental health + safety and it’s taken me even longer to feel Okay about having those boundaries and knowing that it’s Completely Normal and Justified to be a little sketched out when people start trying to make their problems my problem and that i’m Not Evil for not being able to carry the entire world upon my shoulders.

i wish u the best anon but please please please find someone or somewhere appropriate for this kind of ask. it’d be unfair of me to answer you because i’m not a reliable source of information and if i gave you information that was wrong it could literally be dangerous. it’s also unfair of you to ask me something like this because i seriously am just one person with no qualifications or education on how to keep people safe in times of emotional turmoil and i am just. deeply against ever bearing that kind of responsibility for anyone else ever again, especially not for a Complete Stranger. 

i always want to do what i can, of course, but i ,, can’t be a reliable source of information & comfort for random anons, and i hope that’s an understandable + respectable boundary to have. thanks

[summoner-kentauris]

What does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir? (You can either just answer or write a lil story if you feel like it)

OOOO now i have thought in my free time a fair amount about what líf thinks of zasha but, and i cannot believe this, i have not thought about what zacharias thinks about líf and thrasir. full disclosure, book III happened to be going on when i formally stopped playing feh. i kept up with the story after that but, theres my obligatory knowledge base disclaimer.

also minor cws through this whole thing because i talk here and there about zacharias and his... mm, canonical relationship to death/selfharm

-

so, i spent a lot of time thinking about this one, and i keep coming back to my gut reaction, which is that i don't think zacharias would like them very much. i dont know why i think that, though.

PART ONE

i think a lot of it would depend on how they approach him, which is maybe why i've spent more time thinking about the reverse of this ask, come to think of it. see, i think zacharias could go any which way in terms of what he thinks of them. i think he could hate them, as two people who killed versions of everyone he ever loved, including metaphorically killing off the two people closest to him.

i think he could love him, having seen the hell (ha ha literally) that they went through. understanding what that feels like. given the way he talks about his suicide attempts, and honestly that he spent most of book I trying to get people to kill him, really his whole relationship to death. i mean the man talks a lot about death and killing. he might not be the feh OC who best understands how manipulative and... whats a good word. alluring? what im trying to say is that besides eir, he might be the one most likely to understand why Hel and hel's offer appealed to líf and thrasir. i feel like this bit has a place here: "With his dying breath...he begged for his life. He called out your names! "I'll do anything you ask! Just let me live!" excepting of course that i still am not sure if i think he said/thought that or not. ive never been sure who really is in control of speaking right then and there. Anyway. Probably he could come to understand Líf and Thrasir's stance, enough that he could care about them the same ways he cares about his versions of Alfonse ann Veronica

on the other hand, i can see him being fully horrified by the choices those two made in response. this bit: Not anyone... This dark god...seeks death. And it cries for the destruction of Askr. Like. Líf and Thrasir are intentionally enacting the same thing as the dark god's desires, in order to correct a mistake they made that, uh, also enacted the same thing as dark god's desires. talk about awkward. and i think Zasha, who has lived with this nightmare in his head for so long, might recoil from people who are so directly aligned with it. who wants to be around someone who has become, who has chosen to become, everything you ever feared you'd be? especially when you're nearly drowning from the effort of fighting to stop yourself.

i could also see him meeting them and it being incredibly, incredibly bad for him. i feel like, he puts a whole lot of... mm. what am i trying to say.here:

Yet it is you that says this, dear friend, and so I must consider it. I see the faith reflected in your eyes. Perhaps it is possible...

SPEAKING OF BUNNY ZACHARIAS I ALSO THINK YOU COULD TAKE THE FOLLOWING:

You never change. All you see is a lofty goal, even if you lack the means to achieve it... The idea that gods would fall by the hand of man is a fantasy... and a preposterous one. This is a goal that even our ancestors Líf and Thrasir could not achieve.

setting aside the obligatory wtf zash i know you know your lore (fuck, maybe there is no killing the gods, maybe all Fire Emblem victories are temporary at best and Zenith is the only one who knows it. but i think, probably not), i think you could spin a very believable scenario where zacharias takes one look at these two ambitious, arrogant posers and absolutely refuses to speak to them any further.

so, part one, i think that zacharias could think any number of things about líf and thrasir. which i suppose means that i think he's fairly neutral on the subject of líf and thrasir. makes sense to me, i suppose. i feel like zacharias | bruno has practice (regardless of whether he's any good at it or not, or whether its any good for him) at holding and maintaining separate personas, so I don't think the fact that líf and thrasir were alfonse and veronica would necessarily be all that important to him.

which brings me to part ii

what happened to dead zenith zacharias

if zacharias is neutral on the subject, I think a lot of their relationship is going to pushed in one direction or another by líf and thrasir themselves.

and, complicating matters (when do I make things simple?), i think their approach to zacharias would of course depend on what happened to their zacharias. correct me if im wrong, but i dont think we have even a hint what happened to him.

there are three ish options I'm seeing. one: as dead world zenith is further along in its timeline and as zacharias claims he's almost out of time with his curse, other zacharias died due to that before the war with hel. i feel like scenario one is the most likely to lead to a good relationship between main zacharias and líf and thrasir.

two: mr. professional "knows plot relevant things out of knowhere" was the one who found out about angrboða's heart in the first place. especially given "As destruction took hold, we joined with Embla to seek the forbidden heart...", which to me sounds a lot like, "hel was kicking our ass then zacharias showed up and said we should go get this mystical plot object from embla". thrasir even says she and líf weren't allies before the world went to shit. anyway. hear me out here:

Yes. The heart is sealed within an Emblian blood temple. If that seal is broken, someone will die each time the heart beats... Those who perform the rite are the first to die.

Now. Líf claims he was the one who broke it open, but he also was present for the war that followed and only after was he killed and inducted into hel's army. so. both of those things can't be true. i propose that the magic mcguffin located in a sealed emblian blood temple was unlocked by our dear zacharias and thats what killed him in other zenith. i think its possible that other veronica was the one who did it, but you know. its all imagination at this point. also, and i forgot this, but thrasir does go off about how she can't lose until she saves her brother, so. something especially tragic happened at least. and oh boy is scenario two a nice fresh tasty tragedy. so that's scenario two. other zacharias directly died as a result of attempts to fight hel

number three thing that could have happened to zach is boring. he's always off doing things, he could have just died off screen. i mean. everyone did, eventually.

frankly he could still be alive for all i know. the heart appears to take the lives of people in the world, not of the world, or else the summoner would have been fine. so, if zacharias was on one of his off world jaunts, he could conceivably be a-okay. well. as okay as someone who's whole world died. i don't think that's what happened, because thrasir is pretty clear about feeling that she failed him, but yknow.

líf and thrasir's reactions to the above

thrasir is i think the most straightforward. i can't really see her approaching main zacharias with anything but positive intent. even if she's only a little bit open, i think thrasir and zacharias will probably have a decently tolerable relationship. if zacharias can come back to a country that exiled him as a kid and let his mother die in a dungeon and then go on to not just befriend but protect and care for a half sister he didnt know before then, then i think he'll find a way to care about thrasir. you know, intsys could have had fun making another perpetual older brother character. as i understand it, xander gets brother'd a lot, he and zach could have talked. could have been fun. a whole, zacharias, a historically traumatized child: *arrives in a world* every currently traumatized kid in a five mile radius: oh shit this one's ours now. you know what im saying? found family except zacharias would very much like it to stop finding him. he's got important brooding to do. but anway, they didn't go that route and its a tragedy.

líf is... more complicated. i think scenario one creates the most positive outlook. i can see him still having guilt over zacharias' loss, but i think any of it would be overshadowed by everything else that happened. in this scenario, líf finally gets back a piece of the world he'd lost. yeah, it's not his zacharias, but still. it is a zacharias, who is living and breathing and frowning and asking why you are staring at me, knight. i think the two of them could get along rather well, although i see them having significant issues with pessimism. inch-restingly enough... the dark curse bades its hosts to kill askrans. and líf is, well. dead. so... perhaps... perhaps líf wouldn't trigger the curse like alfonse does. in that case, not only does líf get someone back he thought he'd never see again, but so does zacharias.

scenario two is just a nightmare. frankly, i initially thought this scenario would lead to líf just ignoring zacharias (out of guilt, pain, etc), but i was rereading the scripts looking for the spelling of angrboða and this came up:

Tell Hel. She'll erase those memories. She'll erase them all...

so, honestly? i think that in scenario two líf just straight up gets hel to remove his memories of zacharias (as an aside maybe this is also why he never ever ever talks about other anna >:{ )

in that case, líf wouldn't really have any reason to talk to this man, who causes this empty deeply sad feeling to well up in him for now discernible reason. and zacharias has no reason (or time) to talk to this standoffish general of the dead. so. that's a real ships in the night moment.

number three i think líf would still hold the same guilt as in number two, but i don't think it would be as horrifically tragic, so i think it's more likely he'd be willing to approach zacharias. he does appear to have even worse of a thing than alfonse about not opening oneself up to people, but i think that even if he's líf, he once was an alfonse, and being that this is me answering this, i don't think any alfonse can really keep away from a zacharias for very long. its a version of the person who once knew him as well as any other person in the world. like líf can't really seem to stop himself from associating with main sharena, i don't think he could stop himself from reaching out in his own way to main zacharias. and god does that man need some more friends. i think zacharias would probably be a little frightened of líf, and of what an alfonse could become. but i think probably... i feel like a lot of book i issues stem from the fact that, justified or not, zacharias thinks alfonse would risk anything, any harm to save him. i don't know that confronting an alfonse who literally risked everything and did all harm to save his world would be a comfort, but i do think zacharias would get a lot out of having someone who's already done the worst they can do. been there, done that, got the tshirt. i think zacharias would be a little afraid of what an alfonse could become, but i think he would no longer have to be afraid of... no, anxious about it. i think there's a kind of calm in having something confirmed that zacharias could appreciate. healthy? unhealthy? fuck if i know. i also think that in líf, zacharias has a friend who he can't physically hurt anymore. lífs already dead. been there done there got the.... glowing gel torso. i think, curse nonewithstanding, zacharias will always have some degree of tension and fear about hurting people he's in a relationship with, be that because of his issues with abandonment, of abandoning, of harm, etc. but you know. líf's kind of a rock. and he's already hit his rock bottom, now that i'm thinking about rocks. i think that kind of steady, placid deathness could really help zacharias. and i think he would find it soothing, whether or not he knew why.

plus he will be able to know that if the curse gets him, if he dies... he'll still have a friend in the realm of the dead. he doesnt have to be so afraid of leaving and getting left

so there we go! lots of musings. i have been thinkin about why my headcanons are less that and more elaborate branching theories, and i think it is because i would change my opinion depending on which story i wanted to tell or hear or see.so yeah. dunno which one of these answers belongs to the question, what does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir?, but hopefully at least one of them is interesting to read about!

OH also. i think he would be petty-ly annoyed about them cribing líf and thrasir's name. like full on scholar petty. probably showed up to the order in a nerdy huff excited to meet the actual factual líf and thrasir and turns out its just those two, sitting around glowing and reciting death metal lyrics like they're spoken word ballads. dont think he'd get over that ever.

[expfcultragreen]

This is supposed to be a comedy post, every tw

2021 was my year of failed intentional suicides, ive never set out to kill myself before but i did twice this year. Now im on invega sustenna and i feel like i did 5 years ago, except robbed of time and mobility. Because I'm like, wahh my house wouldve been done if I'd had that perfect month and a half i missed in hospital. But for that month and a half I'd have been psychotic and probably spent half the day talking out loud to jeremiah towers because i thought someone had uplinked him and his squaddies to the show where drones my nemesis runs watch me from my own forest.

I dont currently feel surveilled but im on a bevy of pharmaceuticals besides the invega shots. I do feel able to totally not think about who is surveilling me and why and that's freeing. I also don't feel like playing psychic party line operator or channeling ghosts on purpose all day but then its like i don't know what to do besides wail at all the work i made by being charmed to physically SEE the defiant rodents taking over my dwellings, like its a disney movie and they're like "hi" and im like "WELCOME" and they keep looking at me and being ME as a ghost reliving my own life backwards after death through other living creatures around me as i go through a period of absolution and have to spend each day both doing that and being slugs i accidentally stepped on etc by being careless. So im like, well, i try to clean up after them and i missed a month and a half and it shows. And most people are like, pet rodents are enclosed with their own piss and shit this is some other fucking thing

Anyway i kept thinking some other millennial is like, all madcore witched out like full warlock (i had standup of this i should take a picture of the notes) and has me totally vampire-weekended around her little my-death-wish because of how we stopped dating in the 20teens. Because both attempts were just her psychically first, asking me to prove im serious (and telling me she's been a ghost for time and i can't check and the masons run her accounts with deepfakery), so i tried to kill myself slamming a porcelain teacup into my skull, and second was me being drunk and reacting to her vaguely trying to get me to move on instead of capitulating to my incessant optimism about nonmonogamy going mainstream enough for her wife to be cool with us dating again. The reacting involved screaming her name a bunch along with "where are you" (i know, and why) and "i want to die" which is how the whole thing of the cops finally being called about me got rolling. Then me being like "my property" blabla "an gun" yadda yadda "shoot me" dadada-da. They k9'd me. My artery went nope, my leg died for a while.

Now i make like, transparent gifs of winged heart rings and cry about it, she's still got me vampire weekended i need an intervention. Or not, i mean, more other people enjoy the transparent gif than they do me privately nutting to an antimatter dragon because my human marriages are literally nonexistent and i think the metaphysical being im "in contact with" is hot for me too. In my weird sonic run i touch the gods and the gods are like "yeah ok, moves"

[delbeugre]

Have you seen SADIE BEUGRE? DEL is in HER/THEIR SENIOR year. The MATHEMATICS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say SHE/THEY are GRITTY, BEWITCHING, RETICENT and WASPISH. Rumors say they’re a member of HASTINGS. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE BIT AN EX-BOYFRIEND’S PINKY FINGER OFF AFTER SHE FOUND OUT HE CHEATED, AND THEN HAPPILY SERVED TIME FOR IT.

im tommy im a freak and of course i am here to get freakalicious with u all... this is my newest frankenstein type creation named sadie i know .02% about her yet but i am more than confident she will b nothing but a fun time! like this if ur down to plot!

TW: VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF JAIL/PROSECUTION, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DRUG USE

BACKSTORY

capricorn sun / virgo moon / scorpio rising

raised by her uncle Big (his name) who is a hermit shut in town local in the depths of the florida marshland like some goosebumps protagonist. hes gone far past socially acceptable in terms of his ability to connect with the modern person but is wise beyond belief... his whole vibe is a warped cross between a cryptid and a mountain man that forages and cooks neighborhood plants. married for 27 years before his wife passed from illness. its quite possibly the only thing hes ever been emotional about

but dels entry to his life throws a wrench in his sadness (despite abandonment being what they bond over). she takes the focus away from his loss with her presence; her dad, his brother, died in a tragic train-car collision around the same time (which is speculated to be a suicide bt nobody can ever really be sure). he was a single parent so her custody is thrown up in the air for a few months as cps decides what they r gna do with this freshly orphaned little scrapper

she just kinda turns up on his doorstep n from there they cohabit a space. shes arnd 6-7 at this time... big never seemed to b phased by the fact tht she was a child n tended to treat her more like an apprentice or guest. he was never close to her father because of their age difference, being the older out of the two, so to have his daughter become his responsibility is just..... weird

this doesnt mean that he wouldnt provide for her bt it was. not very parental whatsoever.... no conversation or interaction beyond what was necessary. she was a mute fr a while and still is? to a degree.... very short spoken

when she got to her preteens he offered her an allowance in exchange for little odds and ends of stuff to be taken care of around the house. errands n all tht.... sometimes he wld purposefully leave things for her to pick up n take care of without mentioning it for a bonus. taught her the importance of saving your money and the horrid corruptness of a society basing everythings worth off paper. big exposed her to a lot of knowledge and took advantage of her silent curiosity by fueling it with books, homeschooling, life skills (catching a fish, setting a trap, knowing your berries in the woods...... the works)

her teens carried out the same way bt with the introduction of a real job, a spot down at the local butcher shop checking people out at the register and helping around the back of house. del knows a great deal abt cow/pig/chicken/etc anatomy from her years here..... she committed to being 100% vegan into her early twenties because of her trauma frm this occupation

it paid very well tho n was the best gig she was going to get within a reasonable biking route from home. so she settled!

the plan wasnt to keep it up for long anyway. she worked rly hard for her spot at yates and didnt intend to ever screw herself over. her plan was to get her bachelors, masters, become a professor, pursue a personal hobby of agriculture and build an elaborate greenhouse to live in

bt things happen..... 

some 35yr old douche with a green thumb woos her at a gardening store n swoops in to teach her a little more abt romance; all of this, of course, under the guise that he had all these tips and tricks for living environmentally friendly. a lame hippie wannabe that shouldve never even approached her bt alas.... he did

love is a touchy subject n it hadnt been something she set her sights on, but she was interested in wht this dude could teach her n at 19 she ended up falling in love. she delayed her education to stay an extra year back home and work out another plan which included him

this was very disappointing to her uncle bt he didnt have anything to say abt it. it was never parental before n it was never going to be, so this was another lesson she wld just have to overcome on her own

it turns out that she doesnt care for infidelity. when the confession comes out its met with a lot of screaming, bawling, blistering white hot anger. the whole incident is blacked out of her mind to b honest....

matters of the heart are no longer something to concern herself with because of the repercussions of her rash behavior regarding heartbreak O________O she spent a year in jail n still has to attend therapy / anger management meetings

deep down she is still hurting. there was a lot of pain... bt the sadness is not over the loss of some noob. she is in a state of constant disappointment, detaching from herself out of shame. putting her own life on pause only for it to turn out like that? stupid stupid stupid... 

PERSONALITY

chugging along! tldr spectre-like swamp nymph aura with the slightest (not so slight) unhinged feral tendencies

delicate like a moth resting in the gleam of a flashlight.... her anger singes her wings when shes too comfortable staying in one place, so theres always constant stimulation, always shifting gears. shes prone to feeling threatened; that being said, sadie is wary of walking in crowds, a little bit skittish when approached without making eye contact beforehand. like a small grey kitten..... in a big wide world

has a hard time keeping a conversation bt is very interested in debate, and even more so in studying alongside someone in complete silence. it reminds her of home in the same sense tht her uncle wld nudge her to keep reading by always having his own book open

doesnt have many friends and is alright with that. rumors are tht she is still a virgin bt who really knows? not i...... bt i wldnt be surprised if this was true. shes not impressed by people nor material items so this whole yates crowd is a turn off

she is truly clueless when it comes to how to behave around anyone her age. i think she understands but it just doesnt compute. she could come off as impolite bt it is just standoffishness? some people cld try to crack her but i dont think even she knows what that would be, or what that would look like. even in her one (1) failed relationship it was never deep heart to hearts or sharing dinner..... solitude is her realm

del is very comfortable with herself, very open with her wardrobe! doesnt leave too much to the imagination? she appreciates the human experience n expresses that thru this whole “body is a temple” type thing.... not quite confidence, but proudness of being. has gotten multiple notices frm professors for her tops being too sheer, nylons too ratted up, etc. has dirt under her fingernails half the time, chipped polish, some chapstick. smudges her eyeshadow on with her fingers

doesnt smoke cigarettes all too often but is dependent on weed. it kinda perpetuates her paranoid demeanor bt at the same time it keeps her lax enough to be able to mentally handle city life

her room is a playground for huge monstera plants, christmas cacti, ivy creeping along the doorway. she sleeps on a tiny thin mattress on the floor with a linen sheet and has her books stacked up on the ground next to it to hold her ashtray. the whole thing is dumb empty

takes her studies seriously and pinches every penny she can..... she has never ordered herself a coffee frm somewhere before, ordered food frm a restaurant... nothing. i wld think the most she would branch out from harvesting everything on her own is buying a bag of sunflower seeds frm a gas station, but even then, she much prefers eating stuff she grows herself. has a tomato plant, some basil beginning to sprout, etc.... manageable crops for any college students tiny space

...

bt yea thats it thats all! connections cld be all over the place. im legit open to anything. theres only a few tht come to mind right off that bat: 

a few people that get along with her? same classes? they shared a bowl n now theyre getting into the nitty gritty of some personal conversation that is veering into no mans land....

some sort of clueless makeover moment? arent rly into sadie as a person bt see a lot of potential... perhaps need a plus one to a party on the fly and figure thats the best option theyve got

crushes? this wld be fun n potentially dangerous! like playing with a hot cast iron pan or something :)

again im vry new to rp so i wld like to leave a lot of stuff up to chemistry, brainstorming n stuff like that, but please consider everything on the table! what i hav mentioned is the tip of the iceberg im so burnt out n i wrote a lot more than i intended to i am so sorry but i promise i am friendly

[dumbcuckbucket]

i uhh wrote a thing and i just need to put it somewhere and forget it exists.

no one talks about the ugly nights when youre chronically ill. you hear about the bad nights, the dangerous nights, and occasionally even the good nights. but you rarely hear about the nights when someone lays awake in bed, crying from pain that they cant stop and wondering why the fuck they deserve to feel this way.

why am i, at twenty, so tired of living in so much pain all the time, that im questioning life? not in a suicidal way, let me make that very clear. ive been actively suicidal before, and this is different. i want to stop existing, but i dont want to die. i simply want to stop hurting.

why is it that when the sun comes up and ive gotten little to no sleep, my body still screaming in pain, must i pretend i am okay? brush it off as simply a life i am used to and thats that. i am used to it, but why must that be okay? why must i exist this way?

around nine i will roll out of bed and pretend my joints dont burn and that my head doesnt weep and act as if i havent spent the better part of the night terrified of how my illness will affect my future and silently sobbing about it. i’ll feed my dog and take him out. there’s some fresh air. its nice, but i’m tired. i want to lay down again.

i’ll shower, which will take so much of my energy that i do not have anymore. i’ll make phone calls. it seems like all my life is is phone calls, and then spaces between calls where life moves around me and i make no progress. i’ll call my doctor and ask for blood tests to see if my meds are working. i’ll call a different doctor to make sure my referral was granted by my other doctor. if it hasnt been, i’ll call that doctor.

i have an appointment at 11. its supposed to help. im getting screened for adhd and other mental disabilities that may be affecting my studies. what doesnt affect my studies anymore? im stressed about work, im stressed about my family, im stressed about covid and money and my studies and i am so tired. its supposed to help. i am already so resigned to hear that theres nothing wrong, because nothing is ever wrong if i dont fight and get different opinions. i am so fucking tired of fighting. i hope i get the help i need, because i dont think i can keep trying to get it.

my mom died. did i tell you that? two years ago, right after i moved away for college. her birthday is in 9 days. i wish i could talk to her. its hard, holding resentment for someone because of how they treated you while missing them so deeply it feels like a bullet wound.

her funeral was weird. it never really hit me that she died. i mean, i know shes dead. ive known. but when the treatments stopped and the cancer spread, she died long before her heart stopped. i wish i had better memories. i know there had to be good ones there, but i only remember the bad and the dying.

its crazy that of all the things that could be wrong with me, its chronic shitting disease. it feels like a joke. trying to talk about a chronic illness in almost any setting is hard enough. imagine that chronic illness relating to poop. it sucks.

after my appointment i have to go pick up a prescription. i hope it helps. it needs to help, because i am so tired of doctors and phone calls and the ever piling list of meds that dont work. having medication lists sent to new doctors and having to say “no i stopped that one when i started this one” and “that one didnt work” over and over and over gets exhausting. i don’t remember half of the meds they name anymore.

my roommates dont understand. i wish they did. they dont realize how hard it is for me to brush my teeth, let alone cook and clean. then to have to socialize with them at the end of the day feels like pulling teeth. i love them. theyre my best friends, my tether to life when i feel like im floating while the world moves without me. i just wish they understood.

i’ll try to go to class after i get my prescription. i’ll log on and ignore it, like i always do. i’ll lay down in bed with my computer muted, looking through twitter or looking at etsy. anything to not deal with the real world for a few minutes. the real world is so exhausting.

im still crying, but its fine. this is my life, its how it is. im used to it. its okay. (a lie, but a good one).

i’ll call my dad. i’ll lie when he asks how i am. i’ll tell him im tired because i havent slept well this week (lie of omission). he’ll ask how im feeling. i’ll tell him im fine (a direct lie). ill tell him about my appointment and my new inhaler and all the calls ive made. i’ll make a joke about how much it all fucking sucks (not a joke, but my tone doesnt let the truth out). he’ll tell me about his days off. he’ll tell me about work, and the grocery shopping he did, and how he still has laundry and that he hasnt done anything in the garage yet. he’ll tell me what hes making for dinner. i’ll say it sounds good (a lie; nothing sounds good to me anymore) and i’ll say im jealous (a truth; i miss his food). we’ll sit in silence for a bit, then he’ll say “well i gotta get going” and we’ll say goodbye. he’ll say i love you. i’ll say it back (the final truth). one of us will remember something to talk about. we’ll say goodbye again.

i’ll lay down again, and while the sun is out i wont think about how much i hate this. how i, at twenty, dont deserve this. how i have had my future robbed from me so i can make calls and appointments and run through a mile long list of medications.

my dog will lay down with me, and i will feel guilty for not taking him to the park to play.

i’ll remember i have to pay rent. i get up to do it. i bring my dog, and we go to the park. he runs himself hard, so we only stay for half an hour. we’ll go home, he’ll be happy, and i’ll be exhausted. i’ll go lay down and vaguely think about my school work. i wont do it. i’ll let my roommates decide what we do for the night. i’ll try to make some food, or order something. they’ll make fun of me, not realizing it hurts that they dont see that being alive is so hard for me. they dont understand, but thats okay. it has to be okay.

ive stopped crying. my knees and ankles and elbows and fingers still hurt. my stomach churns and my head is pounding, but im used to it. its okay. it has to be okay.

[shootycatfishgame]

Well its done, "Shooty and the Catfish Episode 2: The Spoopies" is finally out in the wild for people to play, why you can even play it yourself for free if you head on over here:   https://visitorsfromdreams.itch.io/shootycatfish-episode2 Truth be told the game has been out for 3 days now and has only been downloaded a grand total of 4 times. It might seem like a discouraging number for sure but its important to remember that this is the second episode of a series, and with the first episode itself only being downloaded a total of 124 times to date (my previous project Hazmat is sitting at 525 downloads and Flatwoods at 849 downloads) its not that surprising. In all honesty im not really expecting the series to really gain any sort of momentum until its fully finished and released as a stand alone product on Steam, and I think thats fair enough. The idea behind the episodic releases was largely so I could get the feedback to improve each episode as the project went along, and I think I have achieved that so far. So I guess you could consider this to be a post mortem. Where did things go right with Episode 2 and where did they go wrong? Well, for where things went right, development started in March and was finished in September so you could say the game had a 7 month development cycle. Looking back at it now due to the length of the episode that actually feels really excessive considering the amount of content in the actual game (which I will come back too) but compared to the first episodes 2 year development cycle it was a huge improvement. I am also pretty happy with how the games set up worked. Episode 1 played it very strait with its single town and non linear dungeon set up taken right from the standard JRPG guidebook. Episode 2 on the other hand was a little more experimental. The opening town was more about establishing a tone then a solid narrative with the Episodes dungeon being where all of the real story telling happens. While im sure this isnt a new idea, its something I havent personally experienced in any turn based RPGs. Sure, its not uncommon to find environmental story telling packed into the game world, but to have every combat encounter also be an NPC that pushes the narrative forward? I think the results were perhaps a little wordy and at times a bit on the nose, but for the most part I think it works. Episode 1 had a very non linear dungeon which worked well but it was nice working on something a little more directed as well which Episode 2's layout definitely was.

Im really happy without how the quality of life improvements in the game turned out, introducing new elements like coded doors for different kinds of keys and giving you the option of finishing the game without fighting the optional boss which, you know, actually made that optional boss optional. In fact I was so happy with those changes I went back and patched them into Episode 1 only a couple weeks back.

So where did things go wrong?

Well, to be honest, the only thing I wasnt happy with was how long it took me to get this game out. Like I said, 7 months is a big improvement compared to 2 years, but its still a lot longer than it should have been. Some of this was definitely my fault... as mentioned above there was a big push to have all the narrative put into the dungeon, but the down side of that was that it meant there was a lot more meaningful dialogue in this Episode than there was in Episode 1. The previous Episodes dialogue was mostly made up of silly gags from goofy NPCs in town, but for this Episode I had to create that ALONG with the more serious and narrative driven dialogue found in the dungeon itself. There were several weeks where I didnt touch the game at all because it all seemed so daunting. Ironically when I finally forced myself to write those sections it ended up only taking me 2 nights, so really I spent weeks if not months putting the project off out of fear of something that ended up taking collectively 6 hours tops.

So yeah... that explains some of the delay, but not all of it. The second issue that struck me during the development of this Episode was my own insecurity. The first 5 months this games development were during a time when I didnt know what was happening with my job,  I was very nervous, and with my fiance being processed through the notoriously awful Australian immigration system I was also pretty damn scared. The last few weeks of those 5 months was a massive period of crunch at work for a huge project and then immediately it was over... and I was out of a job. If I had known for sure that this was how the gig would have turned out I would have spent more of my free time trying to develop a following. I might have even been able to get my Patreon into a state that could have helped me out financially a little, or atleast thats what I liked to think I would have done, but at the time I didnt have the confidence or energy to do so. This was followed with me taking up a freelance project (well quite a few actually but most were great) which while it has definitely paid my bills over the last couple of months, it has also left me exhausted, emotionally and physically. All of this slowed down the development of the game, and perhaps even more importantly had a large impact on the writing of it.

"Shooty and the Catfish: Episode 2 - The Spoopies" deals with some pretty heavy themes, with suicide and the treatment of suicide victims being chief amoung them. Then on top of that I realised half way through development that while the idea of an office building full of ghosts of asshole business people who commited suicide after a stock market crash does have some comedic value (poor taste as it may be), the gameplay loop of systematically killing every single one of those ghosts has absolutely no comedic value and is quite possibly the most morbid thing I had ever created... Ironically not even on purpose... I found myself in a situation where I accidently created a "suicide victims ghost murder simulator". While im no stranger to creating offensive or disturbing content, for once this wasnt my intention but rather the result of the games story concept clashing with the established gameplay mechanics... and realising too late. What do you do when you set out to make a dumb comedy about 2 wise cracking idiots that kill monsters for money and instead... well here we are. What a mess... Im not going to pretend that the game handles the subject of suicide well and I also dont think I ever could approach the subject in a satisfying way. If its treatment upsets or offends anyone I think thats completely understandable and any critism I receive because of it is completely justified. Something I do think that is a positive to come out of all this however is this is the first game project I have worked on that I feel, to me personally, is a piece of "art". Well I mean... I think all games are art, but playing through this game now I can see the struggle I was going through developing it reflected through the characters and through the writing. Its almost like playing through 5 months of my own loose streamed consciousness. My stress, my depression, my insecurity, my fear, my defeatism, its all there. The game has tonal whiplash of morbid  nihilism and stupid dumb goofy comedy in a way I havent been able to pull of since my 2014 film Spilt Coffee (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp2HSx_f9WE) which ironically serves as a prequel to this game and was created at a time of my life when again, I felt quite trapped. Episode 2 might be the worst game I have made to a lot of people and thats totally fair, but I think its also my most personal and sincere for what thats worth. Thats it for this update, I have gone on long enough as it is. So where do we go from here? Well... I made myself and my players a promise at the end of Episode 2, and thats that Episode 3 will be a fun light hearted adventure. I think after this games development I really need it, and hopefully the contents of this depressing Episode doesnt stop those players from coming with me on that adventure too. If your interested in helping me support my indie game development then why not check out my Patreon? https://www.patreon.com/VisitorsFromDreams Every little bit helps ~ <3

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to read this post.

[voracious-pumpkira-starr]

VORE COMMUNITY PSA

False information was spread about me with very little truth. While some is truth, others are either taken from untrustworthy sources or were said by people whom are enemies i made in the past to make me more hated. I dont know if all of you know the post im refering to, i wont link it here but it has been causing me a lot if stress

Now I’m not going to deny some parts of the post because they are factual. But other parts are false. I havent blackmailed people for roleplay, and I dont charge back payments. The charging back of commissioned artwork is only from the artists point of view. And even then its heavily exxagerated. What happened was I spent too much money on porn commissions using a family members credit card on my own paypal, i paid this family member to do this of course bit they didnt know what i was buying. After i spent over $1000 CAD they realized I was spending it on porn and called paypal to charge it back. Paypal charged it back. I tried and tried to get paypal to send the money back but they locked me out of the account and the family member refused to let me send the money to them. Since then I was only able to pay back one artist of many, its not just artists. Paypal took back all payments and I even lost some of my art programs such as Clip studio EX because of this. Ive also lost many mobile apps and more. This caused me a lot of stress and I wasn’t allowed to use a credit card for a long time. Now, You know who. A certain artist who made these claims. Yes I admit I tried to roleplay with them but I will be honest. This is a honest statement from my own mouth. There is many many people in the community who KNOW I’m sumlur and are of age who roleplay with me and I wont name them to keep them same from harassment. Im not innocent but neither are the people like YOU who spread this information. And I will send you this post privately. Yes it is not my place to be in the vore community but because I have it helped with my depression and I learned many things that made me better as a person. I know my mistakes and I understand even when 2021 comes I will be hated in the community or even not let back in at all. But all I’m going to say. Is that yes I was immature and regret a lot of my decisions. But i stopped ban evading and all that long ago. It is now 3 years since this ekas portal drama has started with me, I, because of outdated or false information spread by you and many others have been Doxxed and had my info leaked on 8chan by a user named cloud runner teeny on 12/24/2018. Its been over a year since i was doxxed and I have been struggiling with depression and at multiple times even was suicidal. I nearly killed myself on lean (purple drank). Im not asking for pity because we both know I did aome messed up shit but making a PSA about me and spreading things from your point of view is only half the story. Many people have harassed my social media because of this or even turned me into a laughing stock. So here, if it makes you happy Cham. I’ll make a statement right here right now publically for all to see. If i lose friends for this then whatever it is what it is. It took me a lot of guts and a long time to say this but the stress has gotten to much for me. for the sake of peace I’ll admit to everything Chammy was correct about me ane everything that was false along with some misconceptions about me: so firstly Chammy is right about my age. My birthday is 01/30/2003. I am nearly 17 years old. Chammy is also correct about me asking him for roleplay stuff. However many adults i know who know my age are fine roleplaying with me and I will make this very clear for all of tumblr and the world. Yes I know the underage law and why you think you would be at risk of becoming a sex offender. But hear me out, I’ve actually talked to online lawyers about this and there was never a statement in US Federal law about roleplaying with minors being wrong. The only thing that is bad is if your doing it with malicious intent or send real nudes. As for the age of consent, that is 16 and as far as I know you can legally have sex with anyone within 5 years apart from you as long as its not recorded at that age. So I would assume roleplay would be legal unless its recorded or screenshotted just the same. So yes although it might be risky there is almost a 100% gaurentee your not at risk unless you go bragging about it or the minors parents

Report you. And I don’t have parents, my birth parents abandoned me for a life of crime and my grandparents had custody over me since i was 2 years old. My grandparents know about my vore fetish and although they think its weird they are fine with it to some extent. I can assure you for a fact they won’t report you unless your asking me for literal nudes, which I’d never even give away. Secondly I wanted to bring up the fact I did NOT try to sneak into Cham’s server I was asking if somebody could vouch to let me in so at 18 my friend Andy (WHO KNOWS MY AGE) could vouch for me since he/you closed all invites because of people insulting male predators.

Nextly I want to say this, Chameleonette is not a bad person. They aren’t spreading lies about me on purpose they are only saying what they were told which was spread around by many people who hate me such as aljenserp, AlluringPredation, Reffles, Cloudrunnerteeny, and artists who think i charged back on purpose. Now I also want to bring up the accusations of blackmailing adults who roleplayed with me. This is false, the only adults i ever blackmailed where ones who knew my age and asked for nudes, or were ACTUAL MINORS pretending to be adults which i know for fact.

Now I will admit I exposed some of these friends as minors out of anger and lost friends for this. I regret this so i wont say which ones, But I blackmailed them about exposing their age for some fights in the past.

But I will also admit again I did some stupid shit in the past and I understand the hate I have but its been causing me lots of stress and Harassment on social media. Look cham, if you actually take the time to read this I’m sorry for everything ive done to you and the vore community but I want to say that the adults arent entirely innocent either. I caused these problems by lying about my age, joining ekas, ban evading, manipulating people, and buying art when I shouldnt have. All of it has come back to bite me in the ass. Combined with the stress from real life I couldn’t take things anymore and essentially ruined my life. As of now I dropped out of highschool because the stress was too much and couldn’t work anymore. Now I’m educationless and most likely won’t get a job. For those who are curious in one year and 29 days is when I will be 18. And if any of my friends whom dont know my age read this I want to say I’m sorry for lying. I strongly have issues and am really clingy to people I like so I end up lying to make friends. And i know many people are going to block me for this so in turn I will end up more stressed but its the most mature thing i could think to do. I would love it if nobody blocked me and we just talked like friends and save the vore stuff for when I’m 18, which I do with many of my friends already. As stated before the whole reason i joined ekas in the first place was to join a community i felt like i fit in with after getting depression from losing a friend i really cared about named anatoily

Many times in the past i used anatoily as an excuse for my actions but thats not what im doing. Anatoily if you see this i want to know im sorry for using your name as an excuse for my wrong actions. I originally joined Ekas for that purpose and used that as an excuse, on there i made many friends some of which i have even today. At one point i planned on leaving ekas but then I found somebody who reminded me of anatoily. I had an obsession with them and it led me to well ruin that friendship. Around this time i was exposed underage by Reffles on a minecraft server who had a incorectly dated birth date from a Enjin server about me claiming i was 14 when i was 15 which now i am 16 turning 17 and that link would display 15 turning 16. To explain this I want to say when I made this enjin account I mistyped the age and never bothered fixing it because I rarely used Enjin. I just used it to apply for minecraft admin positions.

I regret many of the things ive done and cant stress this enough that I’m sorry but in all honesty this is the true story of what happened with me and the vore community

In 2017 I joined ekas because my mind didn’t care about the consequences I was upset about anatoily, which isnt an excuse for my actions. I lied about my age and all was fine i was getting away with it. I met the person who reminded me of anatoily in February of 2018 whom helped me grow as an artist. I started working as a artist practicing for when I’m 18. When reffles found me out i was upset and was banned from ekas and the discord Work to Feed. I was upset for many reasons, one even being that i just got the first person ever to commission me and even today was never able to do the art or send it to them making me feel like a thief

So a lot of ban evading and ruined friendships later some problems happened with me and a friend named Aljenserp who like me was a minor. I was watching one of Silent_E’s streams and got banned because Tyrion13 recognized me. I betrayed Aljenserp like an asshole saying he was underage (i dont think he is underage anymore but he was at the time this happened) because he was a staff nobody believed me and i was banned from the stream and lost all trust aljenserp had in me. He became my enemy. Now after this a lot of people started hating me more and more, there was some drama on 8chan about me which i posted on being some idiot as i was younger and didnt know what i was doing.

This caused many people to not even feel any pity for me thinking i was stupid and deserved what i got. This was shortly before the problem happened with paypal. After that i was hated immensely more and many people startee saying some stupid rumors about me

One really dumb one was from the ekas user ExplosiveWaifu who has a Dragon OC named Lydia. Goes by DragonWaifu on discord. In one instance i was talking to Lydia about how one of my friends was a Maoist communist and his beliefs and how i support him because he is my friend. She believed because he had communist beliefs and i supported him that i was a terrorist and ceased all Communication with me for this. Another false rumor about me was spreaded by a friend of Explosivewaifu who i cant name as they are always changing their name. she is a trans woman, me and her used to talk a lot and whenever she got drunk she would well... be really irl lewd with me so i started calling her a pedophille (which is where the blackmail stuff ties in partially though i didnt blackmail her it was somebody else)

Many times this friend while sober would claim that i act to mature and that I couldnt be a minor, thus a rumor spread around that inwas a adult pretending to be a minor to get kicked out of the community for purposfully causing drama to make people think im a believable minor so i could easily prey on minors like a pedophille... honestly this is a really dumb rumor and dunno why it was believed by anybody at all

Next I want to talk about the ID theft accusations. Mettra Tonic gave me a health band from the hospital which in July of 2018 i tried to use as a ID to get me unbanned and it failed, this led to trust issues with Mettra who also spread false information about me which is mostly well known for the accusations of blackmail against her friends who were minors. There was another ID issue with a man named worthylightning and Kobayashi whom I tried to. Let them both help me get unbanned because friendship. It didnt work and i felt bad.

Lastly the only true case of ID theft is the one with reffles. Reffles gave somebody her ID who gave me the ID and I cropped out the age part of her ID and tried to use it. I since regret this action but i wouldnt concider the age part alone to be ID theft.

There was also accusations that I steal artwork which i dont own which is false. All artwork of Pumpkira is owned by me, either drawn by me, won in a raffle, requested, or given to me as a gift.

Moving on later in the year CloudRunnerTeeny doxxed me and made a group on discord called the Sumlur eradication squad where he blackmailed me and threatened to leak my info (which he did on christmas onto 8chan before it was taken down for breaking ToS) me and my friend tried to mislead him do he wouldnt Dox me and dox a fake person but this failed, made things worse infact. After that me and teeny came to a truce to leave eachother alone if i stay away from him and his friends. A promise I Semi-kept to today.

I already explained the whole issue with the art charged back, false rumors, and blackmail.

But I want to say this. Please stop sending information that is outdated or just speculation about me. Hear both sides of the story.

And yes when I turn 18 in 2021 I know I’ll still be hated and I have come to terms and accept that is my punishment for my mistakes. But please stop sending drama my way as I am very tempted to just delete all my social media at this point. Its gotten really stressful and I just cant...

Also Chammy again you aren’t a bad person i dont blame you for my hate as Its deserved. Although some of your claims were wrong or from your point of view, others were true and It is good you made a statement about me. But please tell people not to harass me and just block me. I’m going to make this post Private for a while before making it public. I want you to read this before it goes public on my Tumblr.

Lastly I heard you were feeling sick and hope you get better.

From artist to artist I have been improving my art and stories which like you one thing i hope for when im 18 is to be a successful artist or writer. Im already planning a large scale SFW webcomic as many people know. Though I feel like it is going to have a negative impact because Pumpkira is the protagonist and i gaurentee at least one person from the vore community would expost past me to everyone who reads future me’s work

Anyways thats all.

Update 2020: now 17

Update: 2021 now 18 as of January 30th 2021

[ansonmount]

I seriously think I might be depressed and/ or have anxiety. I have never been to a therapist and I can't talk about this to my friends (they barely are my friends anymore) so I'm kinda worried it's gonna get worse. I'm afraid to go to a therapist because I don't know what to tell them and what if they brush it off or they diagnose me wrongly.

It’s common to get both anxiety and depression. I have major depression and generalised anxiety disorder along with borderline personality disorder so i can relate. 

But seriously, start therapy and or meds as soon as you can. Because things can get worse. I struggled with my mental illness from about the age of ten till i was like 18 and a half.  and thats a long time to go without support of any kind. Honestly, it was too long to wait. I think dealing with my issues alone for like the entirety of my teenage years actually fucked me pretty hard. 

Is misdiagnosis possible? Yes. Everything is possible. But you can’t let that rule you. If you have the choice, you can search the doctors you’ll see. If you dont feel a diagnosis is right, you can always seek a 2nd or 3rd opinion. Sometimes you do end up self diagnosing, esp if you have something a bit more than just normal depression or anxiety - in fact I was the one that realised my bpd, but I struggled to get doctors to listen to me, so i said fuck it, and emailed a local psychologist and got an appointment and within 6 months she confirmed it for me. I still see her now two years after because she’s such a stable and consistant person in my life - like I’ve missed one appointment in 2 years. And im a chronic cancel-er of appointments. 

There’s a few things about seeking help or therapy, and these two things are: you can leade a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. Therapy is hard work. I can’t gloss over how important it is but it’s so hard, esp when you have trauma, but recovery will always be worth it. It’s not linear and there will be moments, I mean I’ve been in therapy t various degrees since 2014, and I was suicidal, again, last night. The second thing is honesty. Therapy is hard enough, but when you refuse to let yourself open up because you’re anxious or something, it defeats the point of going to therapy. If you feel like you need therapy or help, it should be a priority to open up to whoever you see, because you’ll be living your truth finally and dropping the “nothings wrong” mask because thats what allows depression and other mental illnesses to thrive. 

If people ever give you shit for being mentally ill: Well you know where the trash bin is, because you absolutely do not need toxic people like that in your life. The thing is, for not knowing what to say…say everything. Often they’ll ask things like when are you born, your address, your family history. And then from there, they’ll start to make notes. In my experience, you talk. about everything and anything. I’m at the point in my therapy I talk about big shit, and then the next moment I’m going on about how much I love Cody Fern. Like esp once you have a good relationship with a therapist or psychologist, just talking about everything helps. Like this person isn’t going to be your best friend, but they’re there for you to just rant to. I actually believe everyone should be in therapy. Because aving a 3rd person to ask about things, like how your best friend hurt you, or if you’re having self-esteem issues, all of that is so important to talk about. I feel like im just rambling, but seriously, try and seek someone out. Don’t let depression and anxiety rule your life.For more context, from mid 2012 to the start of 2014, I actually spent all that time housebound. I never left the house. I only left to see the doctor and my boyfriend had to go with me. I couldn’t eat in public. I felt like everyone was watching me. I’d have near panic attacks just being on one of the busiest streets in my city. The reality? No one was looking at me. No one cared. But in my mind, I believed they did. I dont remember people i see on the street? why did i think people would remember me or my fat ass??? But thats the thing about anxiety, is that you truely believe these things, and its not easy to overcome that on your own. These days I barely leave the house but thats because throughout all my health issues, from when I was 16, I actually developed chronic fatigue syndrome, so these days, my anxiety is barely an issue, the cfs can fuck off though. 

So you are not alone at all. There will always be someone who understands. But do try to seek help because living with these demons alone isn’t something anyone should feel like they’re stuck doing. If you ever need positive mental health things to look at, I have this tag: https://codylangdon.tumblr.com/tagged/positive

[anything-advice-blog]

I dont really know how to deal with suicide, its been over 3 weeks and im still in a lot of pain. Lately ive just been hoping that he is somewhere, that there is something beyond this life; sometimes i believe it but then sometimes i dont. He was atheist, it makes me sadder because then he must have believed there was nothing after, that he just really wanted to go forever. What do i do? how should i cope? Is there really hope that we exist after this life? i dont know where to look or start...

Hey love, 

I don’t know whom you lost but I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s probably not the same but in December 2017 an artist I greatly admired and was a very big part in my recovery committed suicide. It was devastating. I spent half of the day and the rest of the month in a daze. I wasn’t sad all the time. I laughed and I went to work but I can’t remember having any real emotions. Everything was superficial. Everything was just because I should. I should cry for his death. I should laugh at my boyfriend’s jokes. I should be funny and loud at work. I should be, you know? I just was. But then sometimes during that time, I would just cry. I would cry because it was raining. I would start crying because I couldn’t remember how to spell a simple word. I would sob. I would break down for no apparent reason. 

Grief is not a straight line. Grieve is a rainy day. The sun may come out for a brief moment but it’ll continue to rain. It may stop for a couple hours but it’s still raining. The ground will still be wet after several days. The rain may go away for several days but it will return. Grief is never certain. Grief cannot be put down in a book and expected to behave in any certain behaviour. What I can tell you is to allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to scream into your pillows. Allow yourself to spend a day and remember this person’s life. Allow yourself to experience that grieve. Because only then can you truly begin to move on. 

Once you’ve done that, start to live your life as normal. Go back to work. Go out with your friends. Even if you don’t want to, go out with them. Get back as much of your normal life as you can. Remember that this person wouldn’t want you to throw everything away. This person wouldn’t want you to hurt forever. They want you remember them but also live your life. Talk to those around you and help each other cope with this event. Talk to each other and help each other through the grieving process. Maybe you can hold candle vigil together. Maybe you can get together and remember and laugh and cry in their memory. Support their family in any way that you can and allow yourself to be support by their family and friends. Gain strength from those around you. You never have to go through any of this alone so don’t try to. 

You can start there. It’s going to be a long process. Don’t give yourself a deadline. Allow yourself to remember and cry in three years. Just remember that you’ve grown and you’ve gotten stronger since. It doesn’t make their life and death any less significance. Allow their life and death to empower you. Allow this to help you advocate harder for suicide prevention. Allow this to help you raise even more awareness so others don’t have to go through this grief. Whether your person went to hell, heaven, or Kansas, just remember that they’re not hurting anymore. That’s one of the things that I take comfort in. I’m also an atheist but I like to take comfort in joking of the afterlife. My friends and I would joke that our artist is hanging on the moon watching over us. We would laugh about how he’s probably judging and being so proud of us for the things we are doing. So do what you think will help you. It’ll get better over time.

Always by your side,

Kelly

[airventsandductape]

Had group therapy today  Bayless Anxiety therapy fucking sucks, I swear to god Its like therapists and psychologists think you’re fucking retarded about psychology and she spent the whole session explaining what Anxiety was not only am I not fucking 10 years old but  I've studied human psychology, I was going to go to college for it before my life fell to pieces  I know anxiety is a survival instinct and you didn’t need to take a fucking hour to tell me that. But its not like if you just read about it you’ll be fucking cured  Giving me homework like my monday therapist too fuck that, some stupid shit like “is this thought rational??” “is there a monster about to MALL you?” and yes they spelled Maul wrong Bitch I’m allowed to cry over shit that happened to me when I was 5 and there’s no set rule that says I’m not, just cause it ain’t a “monster” doesn’t mean its not a big deal. She was also showing us quotes of famous authors one of which was genuinely wrong you cant just go “OH IM ANXIOUS BECAUSE I FEEL I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY LIFE” No bitch you have to regain control over your life  one of the top reasons for fucking suicidal thoughts is lack of control in peoples lives. fucking retarded ass quotes. She also joked about not inviting men to the group  Haha HAHA yea that’s why guys dont seek out therapy because of your sexist ass  god you know if someone were to make an all male therapy group that excludes women they’d be fucking fired. Men aren’t even allowed in sexual assault groups i certain states even though they can get sexually assaulted Stop excluding them from shit they need mental help too. that shit makes me furious and I wouldnt spoken up but one of your stupid rules is “Dont be mean”

which apparently means dont make mean faces

coward I had a great time not being called on, not being asked what my issues were and and having to listen to other peoples problems cause god I know I dont have a support system but i dont care about you people and im not being your support system when i know you dont care about me. wasted an hour and a half of my life Group therapy made me more anxious and more angry  I hated it

[maximuswolf]

I fucking hate this country! And i want to get the fuck out. via /r/Anarchism

I fucking hate this country! And i want to get the fuck out.

Too much to talk about, but a lot of it comes down to the highly ignorant and self destructive masses which loves giving power roles to specific people, the criminal government which turned out to be as destructive and nasty as Nazi Germany, and i'm sorry but i'm starting to get tired of the massive abundance of right wing talking points and politics in this country, it's too fucking disgusting for me, or the fact that WE ARE RIPPING THE PLANET APART TO MAINTAIN A NEVER ENDING GROWING PROFIT MARGIN! These motherfuckers could have 100 trillion billion AND THE ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM'S RESOURCES and they still wouldn't be satisfied and give us the bare minimum of existence.

​

This is not what i wanted to say i'm just on overload. I honestly want to make a custom camper van with a gaming rig inside, and just drive off to never be seen again, to never be bothered again by these worthless powerless and stupid peasants who are a major disappointment to our gifted and capable minds. I thought Donald Trump calling Joe Biden a communist wouldn't land and now not only have i ended up in random arguments with right wingers claiming he is a fucking communist, but also the leader of the entire country called him something completely false, or even socialist.

​

At this point why even bother? Why the hell am i forced to live with stupid people who would rather use the internet to hurt others instead of using it to solve problems. And the fear the right wing has made it possible for our government to spy and steal all of our metadata because they are easy to manipulate with fear especially to the unknown. They are a 1 trick pony. Seeing the leadership on the right and democrats(center right) is disgusting. They are all catering to them because they are weak minded individuals who are easy to corrupt or fool which is why you have people like Joe Biden trying to reach out to them instead of his own base because anything to the left of them undermines them and their power. Leaders being selected by the suicidal ignorant masses to lead me?! Fuck that! I'm fucking done and tired, nothing will change, it's powerless peasant vs powerless peasants right where they want them, and i dont want to play this stupid rigged game anymore im fucking tired, and i'm tired of being abused by not only the government/corporations/healthcare/slumlords(landlords), but i'm also getting tired of the fucking right.

Believe it or not, but i have plenty of far right wing friends who are either closet racist or full blown out racists/white supremacist AND MANY OF THEM ARE AMERICAN. What a way to spit on our predecessors grave or the people who died fighting Nazis so that they can try to assimilate Nazi speech into freedom of speech.

​

There is no saving this vile world that we are trapped in like a goldfish in an ignorant child's bowl.

​

My living requirements are simple. A custom camper van with a gaming rig and TV inside, Solar panels, generator, bed, tiny kitchen inside, get a cheap global gym membership to take showers and use the toilet (i'll also use outside). I just don't know though because i need some st_pid ass insurance or whatever. Just simply fucking living requires that i get extorted or assfucked for money. I fucking hate it. And the world force is toxic as hell. I've been working since i graduated from high school until 2018. Been an dunkin donuts/baskin robbins(i worked 2 jobs in 1 for $8/hour and we went from 18 employees down to 5 with no extra pay to compensate us), EMT, CNA, AMAZON FACILITIES(YES IT'S A FUCKING HELLHOLE ESPECIALLY WHEN I WORKED IN A MINORITY NEIGHBORHOOD WITH HALF THE FANS NOT FUCKING WORKING AT ALL!), GAS STATION, MCDONALDS, GROCERY STORE( PEA POD DELIVERY and this job was horrible i'll explain if someone wants me too) AND THEY ALL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND ABUSE YOU WHILE PAYING YOU WAGES THAT CANT OR BARELY AFFORD A 1 ROOM APARTMENT IN A SHITTY NEIGHBORHOOD!

I'm fucking done, i hate this shit, i hate this world, i cant do this until i'm over fucking 80 working everyday and slaving away to not even have enough fucking money for pandemic, and our tax money being spent on blowing up potatoe farmers or bailing out the rich who crash the economy/world/environment.

​

I feel like i'm going insane and i can feel my brain palpating. I dont want any part in this shit, and since i dont want to participate i'll eventually end up in the forged concrete jungle which was intentionally made to be as horrible as possible to give people a reason to show up to their shitty jobs and accept all the garbage pay with no benefits while the rich make epic proportions of wealth that the world has never seen before. And if i get cancer from breathing in our bought and owned polluted corporate air I HAVE TO PAY FOR THE HEALTHCARE AND DEAL WITH IT!

I'm done with this shit, all i wanna do is live in the woods or a custom made camper van and not have to deal with this shit. I'd hunt but it's illegal! All the land is fucking bought up too, where the fuck does that leave me or people who weren't born with a gold plated diamond studded spoon with rare emeralds which has been handcrafted by the best professional spoon maker in the fucking universe. And then they take that spoon and dig out your eyeballs and brain so that you cant see or think, our education system is a huge heaping mess of pathetic garbage which is only there to mentally condition students like farm animals.

Thats what humans are doing right now! Turning the base of humans into a farm animal which cannot think for itself and is FED GARBAGE LIKE AN ANIMAL AND LIVES LIKE ONE IN THEIR CAGED HOMES. Being conscious and aware and forced to live in this by a government which has the power to bring prosperity and real good change is a living nightmare and it only makes me see them as worse as the Nazis, i spit on the American flag and wipe my ass with the bible. They talk about Jesus all the damn time day in and out, but then turn out to be the most intolerant and suicidally ignorant people with a death cult that even Noam Chomsky described as the most destructive in the history of mankind. And i do believe right wing ideology is inherently destructive and nasty, and only real fucking idi0ts follow it. The fact that the supposed "democrats" (they are just republican lite) are following in the same path is disgusting and shows YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! They would rather spend 20 years, shooting over 17k bombs in 1 country alone, have its people to die in wars which they cannot explain, and handing over everything including our fundamental life forces to the rich. We are all owned, and the right wing wants it to stay that way against your will. Left wingers have problems too, but they are nowhere as dangerous or concerning as right wing. Maybe censorship(although the right does a ton of that too), but that's pretty much it. I don't wanna live with these fucking death cult rejects who think life is only about working to death for some other man. Having thousands or millions of people working to near death for 1 man to enjoy all the power and fruits of labor and then to use the money you helped generate to lobby and fuck you and your descents over BECAUSE IT'S NEVER ENOUGH, IT'S NEVER FUCKING ENOUGH!

Submitted October 30, 2020 at 02:47AM by judeau7 via reddit https://ift.tt/34GDmoR

[lesbianismsm]

okokok lately i've been. freaking out about coronavirus. my school shut down and theyre talking about cancelling our prom and cases are actually fairly close to my area and not only am i at risk of getting it, like genuinely one of the at risk groups, so is half my family because of pre existing health conditions and im so scared the worst is gonna happen and its gonna mutate get worse and just obliterate my whole family. and i dont even!! i dont even like most of them they treat me like a black sheep and are mostly homiphobic and hateful but im so scared that the world is ending like. biblically ending and one time when i was little i was scared of that too and beought it up to my mom and her only reassurance to me, a like 12 year old, closeted lesbian, who doesnt believe in christianity, was that i was saved and didnt need to worry if it was time to die. WHO DOES THAT WHO DOES THAT i know she ""didnt know"" but my moms not stupid i think it was oBVIOUS and now i. i have even more anxiety about dying and i know my mom doesnt really care about it, she just cares about religion and shit and im surrounded by crazy ass christians who just think its time to go and gods coming back or whatever and thats literally terrifying!! in ways i cant describe i hate my stupud fuxking area. i feel like my life is beint destroyed and theres no point in anything ever. anymore. all the years of my schooling have lead to my senior year, and you get a bunch of awards anc congratulations and "thanks for making it through our hellhole school system without offing yourself" papers and theyre all gonne get fucking cancelled and i wont even get to graduate probabky ill just get mailed a diploma and "better luck next time" as IF i could have another high school graduation im just so damn lucky to be born into this graduating year its so damn great and i fucking hate it. theyre probably gonna cancel prom and all our senior activities and this is already after my band directir came up with the shitties fucking marching show for our senior year and all but one competition got rained out, and we didnt even PLACE it was so bad, and he spent the whole season blaming all of us for the freshman not putting in the effort or learning regardless of allllll the different things we did and then my shitty fucking senior night got rained out and i didnt even march and i got dumped the week before and my dad refused to show up for it because he doesnt want to put in the effort and now hes been a bitch to me ever since i called him out on it and now my actual senior year is being ruined not just rhe marching half and im just. so tired. so so so tired. im scared im gonna die, my senior year of highschool is point blank ruined and i can barely see the point of doing anything because fucking climate change is irreversible now and the planets gonna die before im even 30. bod my anxiety is having a fucking field dya and i cant even see a goddamn therapist because all of our money goes to my stepdad buying fuckign train horns for his truck instead of keeinf me in weekly, literally i got reccomended for weekly therapy sessions how bad is that for someone only passively suicidal and on 50 fuckinf mg of zoloft, anyway weekly therapy sessions that only cost $20. i should be telling my therapist this but i havent seen her in over a year after we both agreed i was in a very fratile state of mind and needed to see someone and then my mom stopped scheduling them and now it would be a fight to get them picked back up. god im so tired of feeling like the Most support i have comes from people on fucking tumblr dot com liking my overly personal vent posts while i feel my life falls apart from a place in entitilment. im disgusting i should off myself