#its not that easy for me ; erin

[lindscys]

give me more undercover threads

[selfmadesaviour]

call my muse cute:

accepting / not accepting @immxvable as will halstead said "you're kinda cute." @evcryopeneye as jay halstead is listening in.

her brows shoot to her hairline as the words leave will's lips, and the surprise isn't fake. a grin does spread across her lips, though, and a scoffed laugh moves through her. she appreciates the compliment even though it's probably just will being cheeky as usual -- and a heat spreads across her cheekbones as she considers how ridiculous she's being, and she sincerely hopes the color doesn't change in any noticable way.

instead of commenting on the statement, she reaches across the table and grabs the shot glass from in front of the older brother, and doesn't even spare jay (sitting beside her at the bar table) a glance before she's downing it. her eyes are locked on will as she swallows the burning alcohol, head tilting slightly to the side as her tongue darts out to lick an escaping drop as it runs down her chin.

then she's smiling to jay, throwing an arm around his shoulder. "what do you say, should we get another round?"

[hypertextdog]

YOU -- mm i want a fat man on me gaystyle but with clothes on

FURRY INCLINATION [Medium: Success] -- Any *animalline traits* to him, two-legs?

SENSATION -- That would do nicely, texturally speaking...

YOU -- not for now, but i'll keep that in mind.

POSTER'S GAMBIT [Easy: Success] -- Yes. YES. It's the perfect emotion. Everyone wants -- even if not that. So generalize, blogsman. Ambiguate. With this, you can finally build your *viral empire.*

BROAD APPEAL [Hard: Success] -- With your crowd: three faves, and a flirtatious re-blog from some fur-fag. Eight if the bitcoinette or the not-lycanthrope touches it...

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- Try again. We're *this* close to another "you have to let 'denny's parking lot at 3am' go."

YOU -- mm i want big men on me gaystyle #gay #mlm #lgbt #asexual

SENSATION [Medium: Success] -- But it's not about "big" -- "big" alone is nothing. Non descript. You crave *plasticity* -- you want to feel him pushing through, between your fingers...

FURRY INCLINATION -- Oh, yes. Sounds *sonft,* two-legs.

SENSATION -- *Really* sonft. If we must say it that way. And so *heavy* on our supine body, too. I almost wonder if we could...

New task: Administer the *auto-hand-job.*

SENSATION -- Yeah.

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- NEVER MIND THEM. Never mind any of that. You're almost there. Keep going, blogsman. *Earn* the U.R.L.

BROAD APPEAL [Hard: Success] -- Thirteen faves, four reblogs. None flirtatious -- none you think.

YOU -- what's missing?

BROAD APPEAL -- What do you think?

YOU [Impossible: Success] -- the *sapphic* factor.

BROAD APPEAL -- Exactly right. I *told* you I'm named this way for a reason...

HIGH SCHOOL G.S.A. -- Do it for Erin. And Michaela. I wonder if they're still...

BROAD INTUITION [Medium: Success] -- They're not.

YOU -- mm i want big men or women on me #lgbt #ambiguously queer

HIGH SCHOOL G.S.A. -- Ah-ah-ah.

BROAD APPEAL -- And about that word "big" ... you know what has to happen.

YOU -- but that's the core of it to me, kind of.

POSTER'S GAMBIT [Easy: Success] -- And to the fur-fag sector.

BROAD APPEAL -- A sector is nothing. We want the *website* in our hands. Even the proponents of Astarion, and the proprietors of "best girls"...

YOU -- Yuck.

BROAD APPEAL -- I know. But they're the only way.

VANITY [Easy: Failure] -- God, we'll be on *Ellen.*

BROAD APPEAL -- Enough of that. She's out.

YOU [Impossible: Success] -- mm i want anything at all #lgbt #ambiguously queer #asexual

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- STOP THERE. YOU'VE FOUND IT, BLOGSMAN. QUICKLY -- BEFORE WE BOTH FORGET -- TYPE IT UP AND POST.

BROAD APPEAL -- The known numbers don't go high enough. You've found a ticket out of here -- out of *Massachusetts.*

SHIVERS -- IN 2027, A METEOR THE SIZE OF A KLEAN KANTEEN WILL LAND IN THE CENTER OF ROXBURY AND LEVEL BOSTON WITH ITS ZETTA-JOULES OF IMPACT ENERGY. TOO SMALL AND TOO QUICK FOR EVEN M.I.T.'S OBSERVATORY-BOYS TO DETECT.

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- More important things than that are happening -- and sooner, too. Type it up, blogsman. This is the easy part...

YOU -- You type: "mm i want anything at all #lgbt #ambiguously queer #asexual."

SENSATION [Hard: Success] -- Stop. Go back. It's dishonest.

BROAD APPEAL -- This was never about you -- you were only ever the basis on which *this* could be constructed. If that...

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- Post it, blogsman. Make the world relate to you.

YOU -- You hit: "post."

YOU -- The progress bar reaches -- reaches -- completes. A green light indicates success.

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- YES. YES... Oh, I suppose we should have waited for *optimum posting hours.* It doesn't matter now. It's done -- and the onslaught faves will begin rolling in catastrophically in three... two...

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- In three... two...

Thought gained: Any day now...

POSTER'S GAMBIT -- Don't worry, blogsman. Just keep checking your phone -- the *wi-fi* here is *bunk,* anyway.

VANITY -- And once it does -- Ellen.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not telling someone i know he’s being bullied?

⚠️ mentions of cancer + a suicide attempt

everyone mentioned here is in their 20s, with the youngest being 21 and the oldest being 28. none of the names used here are anyone’s actual names.

this is kind of a long story with a lot of moving parts and i can’t get into ALL of it so im trying to section JUST this off. basically i’ve had a group of friends for awhile. we met in a larger server and its a pretty big circle, so there is interpersonal drama aplenty. i stepped away from the bigger server and mainly maintained contact with 5-7 friends id made through a personal server and dm conversations.

one of the people in that server, erin (she/they) dm’d me to tell me they had to leave said personal server because they’d had a bit of an incident with 3 of the other members. they ended up telling me that they and the other 3 members had a group chat where they’d regularly talk shit about another person we know, bryce (he/him). apparently they all took something he said months ago WILDLY out of context to claim he’s a transmisogynist and therefore its fine that they bully him (this guy isn’t someone i’ve talked to very much since leaving but i do know him and we are on good terms. he can be a bit difficult to maintain conversations with but he very much is not a transmisogynist. also none of the people in this gc are transfem). like, they conspire in this group chat ways to make him feel bad. erin showed me some screenshots. its pretty textbook highschool mean girls behavior.

erin was also in this group chat and finally got fed up with them all and told them they need to stop trying to justify their actions. its pretty obvious bryce is not the bigot they’re saying he is and they’re just using that as an excuse to be cruel. the people in the group chat did not take that well so erin left and has also left any mutual servers they’re in with them.

she only told me all this because i offered to let her vent, but now im in kind of a rough spot morally. i think the correct thing to do here would be to let bryce know, but im being. kind of a coward about it.

this all may sound like im just throwing myself a pity party, but i am in a very, very bad spot right now. like i said, there was a ton of interpersonal drama in this group and i’ve been in the center of it before. it took a massive toll on me. so im not keen to get involved in drama in general, but also, mainly. i lost my best friend (minze, she/her) to cancer at the start of this year. i’ve known her since childhood and i’ve barely been able to function without her. we lived together. i still take care of her cat. we had the same birthday, and its coming up in a little over a week. i’ve been absolutely gutted knowing this is the first birthday ill spend without her in over a decade. i tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago because i couldn’t bear the thought of it. i failed, obviously. and im fine at the moment but im definitely not perfectly well and im barely hanging on by a thread

i left the larger group because i couldn’t stand to be involved with everything going on. if i tell bryce about this group chat, i will be getting involved again. i dont think they know i know about it at this point but the only people who could tell him would be me and erin. even if i did it anonymously or asked him not to tell it would be incredibly easy to trace back to me. while im appalled to know my friends have been so viciously cruel to someone for no reason, since losing minze these people have been my only support network. they all knew minze, too. they’re some of the only people i can share memories of her with. i dont think i could process this grief alone

i know i need better friends but i don’t have them right now. i’ve sort of already got a strained relationship with some of them and i worry this could be the last straw and id just… lose them abruptly. and i know if that happened id put myself at risk again, because id be just as heavily suicidal but now with no one to confide in about it

bryce deserves to know. its the right thing to do, but it would cause me a dangerous amount of mental strain. but even though i say i don’t want to get involved i do feel, on some level, like i probably got involved the second i let erin even tell me about this. so i feel like im being a whiny dickhead and just making excuses but im just. im not willing to put myself through this again. not right now. aita?

What are these acronyms?

[jovenshires]

THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS AU OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK

THE BEST OF THE CHOSEN

the chosen is an alternative rock band, whose members are spencer agnew (lead singer / secondary guitarist), shayne topp (lead guitarist), damien haas (bassist / vocalist), and courtney miller (drummer / vocalist). known for their iconic guitar riffs and heavy bass lines, the band has been accused of relying heavily on their instrumentals to distract from their lead singer's vocal insecurity, to which they have not disagreed. hit songs include "short kings," "i was there man," and "nuclear rain." the band is inspired by the early 2000's alternative movement, specifically weezer, green day, and simple plan.

THE BEST OF FTC

ftc (short for full-time cast) is an indie trio known for their slow melodies and sad lyrics. their songs, typically written by their lead singer tommy bowe, are often explicitly queer, romantic, and yearning, though they also frequently feature themes of self-doubt and internal struggle. other members of the band are amanda lehan-canto (singer / guitarist) and kimmy jimenez (drummer / occasional background singer). with songs such as "creekside killer," "reading of the will," and "bones," ftc is inspired by artists such as boygenius, hozier, and mitski.

THE BEST OF KOLIVTION

kolivition is a hip-hop duo fronted by keith leak jr. (singer / rapper) and backed by olivia sui (pianist / dj / sound mixer). they incorporate r&b, funk, and rap into their music as well, with their soulful beats and psychedelic sounds. kolivition's songs typically revolve around romance in the modern world. the duo's hit songs include "life's a party," "give me all your money," and "bobby from the block." kolivition is inspired by childish gambino, frank ocean, and kendrick lamar.

THE BEST OF COVENTRY

coventry is a female-led punk band consisting of erin dougal (singer / guitarist), heidi ha (singer / drummer), and selina garcia (singer / bassist). they typically theme their songs around female empowerment and relationships - romantic, platonic, or otherwise. their hit songs include "sluts," "sunflower," and "wish i could (say the same)." they are inspired by paramore, no doubt, and veruca salt.

THE BEST OF LET'S DO THIS

let's do this, though a relatively new band, is an enthusiastic underdog pop trio. its members, chanse mccrary (lead singer / guitarist), angela giarratana (bassist / vocalist), and arasha lalani (drummer / vocalist), are clearly tuned into the pop scene and thus make current, upbeat, snappy music that is practically made for the radio, even if it's yet to take off. their songs rely heavily on romance, and are often either explicitly queer or gender-neutral. their top tracks are "i lied," "lost the room," and "coroner." ldt is based off of artists such as conan gray, maisie peters, and troye sivan.

THE BEST OF SMOSH

smosh is a moden reinvention of an early 2000's pop-punk / alternative duo. back after a 6-year hiatus and preparing to win a competition they've already lost, ian hecox (singer / bassist), anthony padilla (singer), and their rotating backup band are re-entering both battle of the bands and mainstream. their music centers around personal identity and how that identity affects one's relationships. though they are re-inventing their sound, smosh was and is still known for their heavy instrumentals and all-star vocals. hit songs include "shut up," "the sun," and "destiny," and the band was based off of twenty one pilots, fall out boy, and panic! at the disco.

THE BEST OF JACKIE UWEH

jackie uweh - also known as the most talented voice of our generation - is an r&b / soul singer who sells out football stadiums with her powerhouse vocals. her songs often feature themes of feminism, romantic relationships, and a continuous journey of self-discovery. this is her first year judging battle of the bands, and, according to her, hopefully not her last. jackie's hit songs include "buggin'," "over easy," and "been with." she is inspired by beyonce, rhianna, and lizzo.

THE BEST OF MYTHICAL

mythical, which consists of rhett mclaughlin (singer / guitarist) and link neal (singer / guitarist) and their fantastic backing band, is a country band notable for having won battle of the bands ten years ago. since then, they have created their own empire, complete with a record label and several signed artist - previously including ian hecox of smosh fame. though they are a country band, mythical is also known to incorporate alternative genres into their music, especially their most recent album, which has been by far their most controversial in terms of sound. their musical themes vary, sometimes instead focusing on story-telling rather than relatability, but typically they utilize love (romantic, platonic, and familial), religion, and self-expression and exploration. their songs include "will it?," "buddy system," and "let's talk about that." they are inspired by james and the shame, noah kahan, and the lumineers.

THE BEST OF TREVOR

trevor (that's it, just trevor) is a soundcloud-based rapper who's honestly just happy to be here. an up-and-coming (read: thus unsuccessful) artist, trevor is a part-time musician and a part-time sound designer and editor. after working on mythical's latest album, he was invited to emcee the battle of the bands and is ecstatic at the chance to promote himself. trevor focuses on the self-described subgenre "meme rap," which views modern life through a comical gen z lens. his songs include "another banger," "silly guy," and "o7," and he is based on yung gravy, yungblud, and danny gonzalez.

[flanaganfilm]

Hi Mike! I hope you and Kate and your kids are well ☺️

I have a question about Midnight Mass: what was it that killed “Father Paul” in Book III? I’ve seen a few theories on Reddit but I was wondering if you could shed some light for us. Some think it was the amount of blood he’d been ingesting from the creature/vampire. Some think he was poisoned. We saw Bev put the compound 1080 back into the chemicals cupboard a few scenes before his death. Did she poison him? And if so, why would she do that? What motive did she have? Did she believe god would perform a miracle in resurrecting him? Or was this supposed to be left to our interpretation?I’m not exactly sure what I believe, but I think it’s an interesting point in the story to discuss.

Thank you for the time you take to discuss and answer our questions both here and on tiktok! ☺️

SPOILER WARNING

Don't read this if you haven't seen MIDNIGHT MASS!

I've been asked this question a few times. For me, Father Paul died because that was the next step in his transformation. He had been regularly ingesting the blood, and getting younger and younger, but once his body reached its "peak self" the next step would be that it would die, and he'd be "reborn" as a full vampire. This is why he can move around in the daylight freely before this moment, but not after.

You see signs of this earlier, as he coughs blood into the sink and collapses at mass. This is his body finally reaching the tipping point.

This is the same fate that would have befallen everyone on Crockett who was drinking the blood. Given enough time, their bodies would have reverted to their peak selves, and then their hearts would have failed them, only for them to rise anew.

But because Riley rejected the "gift," and told Erin what was going on, Bev and Fr. Paul believe they need to accelerate their agenda before someone can interfere. That's why Bev proposes the poisoning at mass. The rationale is that it is only speeding up what is happening anyway, and since no one will actually die, it's easy for them to rationalize their actions.

The theory that Bev poisoned Fr Paul took me quite by surprise, to be honest. Looking back, I can understand how someone can get to that conclusion, but that isn't how we wrote the show. The idea was that Bev poisoned the dog, and that's the canister you see her returning to the closet (she waited until the attention had died down). That story point exists so that we understood she had access to the poison, and how quickly it kills, to set up the Midnight Mass sequence.

That said, I'm always grateful and amazed by what people will put together on their own. I also believe strongly that once I'm finished with a show and it comes out, it belongs to its audience... so if that's what someone got out of it, I don't like arguing with them!

Hope this is helpful!

[thecrownnetflixuk]

Goodbye to Diana, Goddess of the Hunt

Pt 1 of The Crown S6 Will Stand as the Definitive Dramatised Version of Diana & Dodi’s Final Days

Review (& gifs) by L.L @The Crown TV

Having seen Pt 1 of The Crown S6 before its official release, I can understand why Netflix decided to split the final season. The first 4 episodes are almost exclusively dedicated to the events surrounding the tragic deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed.

It's first-rate drama, but it's not always an easy watch. The series does have some lighter moments too, but it makes sense for The Crown to take a short pause before moving forward in December.

To be clear, Diana and Dodi's car crash is not portrayed in a voyeuristic way. We don't see the moment of impact; hearing it is traumatic enough. Diana's body is not shown. The show doesn't delve into what caused the accident. This is still The Crown, not CSI Paris.

Kudos to Peter Morgan and his research team who somehow scrutinised all reports of Diana and Dodi's final days and managed to turn no doubt conflicting accounts and opinions into 4 brilliantly dramatised episodes which feel like a definitive screen version.

I prefer the sharpened pace of S6 after a disjointed S5. All the cast seem more comfortable in their respective roles ... except ... Dominic West is a great actor, his grief and regret is so believable in these episodes, but for me, West's natural charm and roguishness still doesn't fit well with Charles. Perhaps Camilla would disagree!

There are no such issues with Diana. It's a difficult task playing an icon hunted by the paparazzi, but Elizabeth Debicki radiates the right emotional intelligence and effortless star quality of the princess. In fact, Debicki's empathetic and assured performance largely carries these pivotal episodes and tops her earlier impressive work in S5.

Warning - long read: more detailed spoilers ahead! GO & WATCH THE EPISODES FIRST (NOW ON NETFLIX)

Interview/images: courtesy of Netflix & Elizabeth Debicki.

The final season of The Crown begins in Paris with a bold flash forward to a dog-walker who witnesses the crash at the Pont de l'Alma tunnel. It's a jarring change of tone after S5, but effective.

From the start, we know where this story is headed. But first, it's back to Diana on her summer hols, impertinent rodents scurrying in the palace and Charles getting grumpy over the Queen not showing up for Camilla's birthday. Reassuringly, it's royal business as usual.

^ Happy 50th, Camilla. I'm with the Queen about this pair; still not quite on board.

Enter Dodi Fayed, who could not be more different to his overbearing father. Khalid Abdalla infuses the shy son-of-a-billionaire with an engaging soulfulness which contradicts Dodi's two-timing behaviour.

Dodi starts out romancing his fiancée, Kelly Fisher (Erin Richards), but after being bullied into it by his father Mohamed Al-Fayed, Dodi pursues Princess Diana. For a while, Dodi juggles both women, before redeeming himself and confessing the truth to Diana.

^ Diana & Dodi. This time, it's Diana herself who ends up not quite on board this ship.

BAFTA nominee Salim Daw is a force of nature as a magnificently Machiavellian Mohamed Al-Fayed. Daw's performance, along with Elizabeth Debicki's note-perfect Diana, is a standout in S6.

Those who had concerns that The Crown was too generous towards the real Al-Fayed in S5 have no such worries about S6. By episode 3, Mohamed almost crosses into arch villain territory, bribing Dodi into marrying Diana to get British citizenship and raise his social status.

^ Mohamed Al-Fayed. Give him a cat & he'd be the perfect future Bond villain.

It's a controversial post-death chat with a 'ghost' which (nearly) absolves The Crown's Mohamed. Salim Daw is tremendously genuine during his imagined conversation with Dodi, sobbing for forgiveness. Too little, too late, but we feel his real pain about the loss of his son.

Before watching these episodes, the idea of Ghost!Dodi and Diana in the show did seem off-putting. Confession: I didn’t make it through the surrealistic film ‘Spencer’, where Diana talks to the ghost of Anne Boleyn (although Kristen Stewart seemed well cast in her role.)

Now that I've actually seen the 'ghost' scenes in The Crown, they don't feel ghoulish or disrespectful. Following the crash, both Charles (Dominic West) and Imelda Staunton’s Queen have small conversations with Diana, as though the princess is still with them.

You could take that to mean they’ve gone full royal-bats-in-the-belfry, but as a person who recently lost my dad, I talk to the dead all the time. It’s often what happens when you lose somebody you love. To see this depicted on The Crown felt honest. And human.

^ Wassup, Betty? Just chillin', chatting w/dead Di* (*not dialogue from The Crown)

As the show wades through the aftermath of the crash, dealing with public sorrow, funerals and grief-stricken young William and Harry, it becomes heartbreaking. However, The Crown does handle heavy subject matter very well, as shown in episodes such as ‘Aberfan.’

With a golden jubilee coming up, hopefully Pt 2 of this final season will be more uplifting, and feature more scenes with Imelda Staunton as Elizabeth II. When we do see the Queen in Pt 1, her intonation is superb. There’s continuity too, with Staunton merging Claire Foy’s vulnerability and regality with Olivia Colman’s steely durability.

I'm no ardent monarchist, but now that we've said goodbye to Diana, I can't imagine that The Crown would end without paying tribute to another Queen of Hearts who reigned for over 70 years.

THE CROWN S6 PT 2:-premieres on Netflix | Thurs 14th Dec 2023

N.B: These are just my (humble) opinions at this point in time. No offence is intended. Agreement = lovely; not compulsory. Disagreement = happens; kindly coexist. Ta!

[ohtobeleah]

Never Good Enough // Mickey Garcia

Summary: People always leave Fanboy. He goes through pilots like chump change. Is it him? Is he the problem? What happens when one of the many times you’ve tried to console your husband when his demons become to brutal?

Warnings: Left Behind trope. Spooky dream vibes. Depressed Mickey. F-18 crash.

Author Note: Day Nineteen of Whumptober. Prompt I chose: Left Behind. Thank you to @ailesswhumptober for the prompt list.

Whumptober Masterlist | Main Masterlist

“Honey, I think you might be reading into this a little more than you should be.” Mickey Garcia could be described by a lot of people as a lot of different things. He could be described by his colleagues as a genuine soul whose love for aviators made excelling in his career easy. His friend could say that he had one of the most endemic memories to date– holding a plethora of knowledge about star wars, star trek and battle star galactica, basically any and all shows and movies that end in the word star at the tip of his tongue.  

Fanboy is a team player, he thrives off the people he chooses to surround himself with. He’s a social butterfly who goes from person to person through the night collecting stories and making memories laced in drunken hazes or sober serenity. He could be described as a compassionate person who goes above and beyond for the people in his life. 2

But most importantly, his wife, Y/n, could describe Mickey as a life partner who consistently shows that he is one of the best people you could ever know. He knows how to crack a joke at the right moment and lighten any mood you might find yourself in. His love for his passions and career and his wife surfaces any kind of love anyone had ever seen. 

Because Mickey Fanboy Garcia is good people. Simply put– he’s the best kind of person you want on your team. 

But despite all that, despite all the kind and gracious things people say about him–Fanboy couldn't feel any further from it. 

“But I'm not.” It was the way your husband said it that made you question if you were the one who wasn't taking his concerns as seriously as you should be. Mickey stood in the shower with his head under the warmth of the running water, hiding his tears as the muscles in his back clenched in anger. “Payback was my longest standing front seater, everyone leaves.” 

You knew it was hard on your husband to say goodbye to people who he trusted with his life. You could remember the last time Mickey was separated from his front seater. Erin was a dear friend, but you hadn’t seen her in a few years. 

“Everyone always ends up leaving me and I don't know what to do with myself.” You had a feeling this could have been about more than just Payback's new posting. There was an underlying tone of self sorrow that you picked up on as you turned around to face your husband as he showered. As you let out a soft but audible sigh, you knew that there had to be more. “Six months–six months is the longest I've had a front seater for and you wanna stand here and tell me I'm not the problem?” 

You and Mickey didn’t argue an awful lot, again, he was as kind as kind could be. But he was struggling, he had concocted this ideology in his mind that everyone around him, all his friends, his family, you, we’re going to leave. Abandon him sooner or later. 

And it didn’t help that you and Mickey had been working so much as of late that your conflicting schedules were beginning to take a toll on your ability to communicate properly. 

“I don’t think it's you babe–” You began as you made your way over to the shower door. The fog from the shower made the glass its home as you pushed it open, watching as your husband's muscles tightened at your response. But you persisted, hesitantly. “Erin, Reuban, even the guys before like Luke and Mitch, they were either stationed out or just got caught up in the reshuffle, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you.” 

Mickey Garcia was genuinely the best person you knew. So when he turned around with veins popping in his neck from frustration, you didn't know how to process the way his tone echoed off the walls around you. It didn't sound like your husband, the man you loved so dearly. The man who was usually the level headed, logical partner out of the two of you. 

“Y/n, just stop.” You had to pause and take a minute to register what was going on. “You've been working nights, weekends, hell you've even been working my days off– I know somethings going on.” You really had to hold your tongue as Mickey let loose. You knew it was coming from a place of anger and frustration, but regardless it was missguided, it wasn't appreciated, and it certainly could have been handled in a better way. “If you’re gonna leave too, just fucking do it.” 

Your husband never swore at you the way he just had. Mickey wasn’t himself, you couldn’t recognise the sadness in his eyes. The pain behind his tears. He was crumbling under the weight of being left behind over and over and over again by the people who mattered most. 

“You think I’d leave you?” You had to make sure you had all the dots connected before you decided to let your frustration run wild. “You think that because the people you work with change and that I’ve taken on a bigger role in the company that I’d leave you?” 

“Everyone leaves me!!” Mickey finally snapped as he ran his hands through his wet, dark brown locks. Completely soaked and clinging to his scalp and neck. “Everyone—so yeah, with the track record I’ve got going babe I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before you decide I’m not good enough for you either!” You stood there completely speechless, in all the years you had known your husband you had never seen him so broken, so full of self doubt and self loathing that he had begun to take it out on you. “I’m not good enough—“ But then, the gentle stream of tears turned into someone more violent and all consuming. 

“Honey—“ You cooed as you watched your husband shake his head as painful sobs ripped through his chest. The walls were all closing in on him. Those shoulders of his that you thought could have carried the weight of the world, slumped in utter defeat and soon enough—Mickey Fanboy Garcia was on his knees under the warm stream of water, crying out for someone to stay with him. “Oh Mick, honey.” 

“Everyone always leaves.” It came out like a mantra, the voices inside his mind wouldn’t stop. “You’ll leave too, and I’ll be all alone and I don’t know what I keep doing wrong.” You had to do something, consol your husband so that he knew he wasn’t alone. He had his demons but you were there to fend them off, like a knight in shining armor. 

As Mickey kneeled under the warm stream, crying into the palms of his hands, you stripped off your clothes. Articles laid strewn across the bathroom floor haphazardly as you stepped into the shower and kneeled with your husband. 

But you can't control a nightmare that isn't yours, and you can't decide what happens next in someone else's dreams. 

It was only then did the nightmare Mickey thought he was already living turn into an all out hellscape. Your touch, usually so warm and comforting, was as cold as ice. So cold it damn near burned his cheeks. When Mickey looked up to meet your gaze he saw nothing but dark eyes that allowed him to peer into your soul. Nothing remained but a darkness so unholy that it made him jump about three feet away from you into the glass of the shower. 

“We all left you Fanboy.” It wasn’t your voice anymore, but Paybacks. “Wake up!” It was your body, but your voice had been contorted into something straight from hell. 

Mickey cried as you crawled towards him, he cowered in the corner of the shower as you cornered him in, trapping him without any kind of defense as you chuckled and smirked—the corners of your lips exaggerated to the point it looked as if your lips had been pinned to your cheeks. 

“Wake up, don’t you smell the burning fuel?” 

In that very moment Mickey gasped as the overwhelming smell of burning jet fuel choked his airways. Suddenly he wasn’t in the shower anymore—he was in the snowy pine fields laying on his back looking up at the clouds above. 

“Y/n?” He moaned as he rolled over, still coughing and splattering as he tried to gather his bearings. What had happened? Where was he? Oh. The mission. “Payback?” 

Groaning as he rose to his knees, Mickey took his helmet off and looked around the burning rubble and debris from the F-18 he’d just been in. Parts laid sprawled over the snowy field as small pockets of fire burned the twisted chunks of aluminum and carbon fiber. 

The more he looked the more he came to terms with what had happened. It was a surface to air missile. 

“PAYBACK!?” Mickey shouted as he stumbled weakly to his feet, coughing up blood as he did so from his prominent injuries. How was he even alive? “REUBEN!?” His throat was cut up. Torn apart from shouting and yelling at the top of his lungs as he walked and walked and walked through the forest to try and find his front seater. 

A panic deep inside him began to bubble over when Mickey realised that his biggest fear was coming to fruition. And when he heard the helicopter buzzing not too far from where he stood he knew that he was being left behind, he knew he was going to be left behind to die alone. 

“HEY!” He shouted as he ran as fast as he could, sprinting through the thick covering of snow as he saw Payback being hoisted into the air. “I'M HERE! WAIT!” 

No one could see him, no one could hear him. All Mickey could think about was you, his beautiful wife, being left to stamp his wing into his coffin. 

“PLEASE! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!” 

But it was all to no avail, the rescue helicopter turned around and began to fly away. In the opposite direction from where Mickey stood. And his biggest fears came true. 

Mickey Fanboy Garcia wasn’t good enough to be saved. He wasn’t good enough to not be left behind, and he certainly wasn’t going to be rescued. 

He’d been left behind. 

***~***~***~***~***~**~***~***~***~***~

Whumptober Tags 🏷️ @xoxabs88xox @oldermenaremyreligion @slut-f0r-u @emma-is-cool @armydrcamers @topguncortez @topgun-imagines @kmc1989 @els-marvelvsp @blindedbythelightt

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🌈 Good morning and happy Wednesday, my bookish bats! You didn't think that tiny "queer books coming out this fall" guide was ALL there was, did you? Here are a FEW of the stunning, diverse queer books you can add to your TBR this month. Happy reading!

❤️ A Vision of Air by Nicole Silver 🧡 Eli Over Easy by Phil Stamper 💛 How to Get Over the End of the World by Hal Schrieve 💚 Kween by Vichet Chum 💙 The Forest Demands its Due by Kosoko Jackson 💜 The B-Side of Daniel Garneau by David Kingston Yeh ❤️ Midnight Companion by Kit Barrie 🧡 Let the Waters Roars by Geonn Cannon 💛 Into the Glittering Dark by Kelley York 💙 When the Rain Begins to Burn by A.L. Davidson 💜 Been Outside by Amber Wendler & Shaz Zamore 🌈 The Forest Demands Its Due by Kosoko Jackson

❤️ A Necessary Chaos by Brent Lambert 🧡 The Spells We Cast by Jason June 💛 Pluralities by Avi Silver 💚 Salt the Water by Candice Iloh 💙 Beholder by Ryan La Sala 💜 This Pact is Not Ours by Zachary Sergi ❤️ Dragging Mason County by Curtis Campbell 🧡 Menewood by Nicola Griffith 💛 Mary and the Birth of Frankenstein by Anne Eekhout 💚 The Dead Take the A Train by Cassandra Khaw & Richard Kadrey 💙 Bloom by Delilah S. Dawson 💜 Let Me Out by Emmett Nahil and George Williams

🌈 In the Form of a Question: the Joys and Rewards of a Curious Life by Amy Schneider ❤️ Songs of Irie by Asha Ashanti Bromfield 🧡 A Haunting on the Hill by Elizabeth Hand 💛 Being Ace by Madeline Dyer 💚 Charming Young Man by Eliot Schrefer 💙 The Glass Scientists by S.H. Cotugno 💜 The Fall of Whit Rivera by Crystal Maldonado ❤️ By Any Other Name by Erin Cotter 🧡 Brooms by Jasmine Walls and Teo DuVall 💛 Stars in Your Eyes by Kacen Callender 💚 Shoot the Moon by Isa Arsen 💙 The Bell in the Fog by Lev A.C. Rosen

🌈 Brainwyrms by Alison Rumfitt ❤️ Family Meal by Bryan Washington 🧡 A Murder of Crows by Dharma Kelleher 💛 A Light Most Hateful by Hailey Piper 💚 Love at 350° by Lisa Peers 💙 Greasepaint by Hannah Levene 💜 The Christmas Swap by Talia Samuels ❤️ Mate of Her Own by Elena Abbott 🧡 Mistletoe and Mishigas by M.A. Wardell 💛 Elle Campbell Wins Their Weekend by Ben Kahn 💚 All That Consumes Us by Erica Waters 💙 If You’ll Have Me by Eunnie

❤️ Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Lillah Lawson and Lauren Emily Whalen 🧡 10 Things That Never Happened by Alexis Hall 💛 It’s a Fabulous Life by Kelly Farmer 💚 Let the Dead Bury the Dead by Allison Epstein 💙 These Burning Stars by Bethany Jacobs 💜 The Goth House Experiment by SJ Sindu ❤️ Everything I Learned, I Learned in a Chinese Restaurant by Curtis Chin 🧡 Mudflowers by Aley Waterman 💛 Here Lies Olive by Kate Anderson 💚 Fire From the Sky by Moa Backe Åstot, trans. by Eva Apelqvist 💙 Iris Kelly Doesn’t Date by Ashley Herring Blake 💜 On the Same Page by Haley Cass

❤️ A Dish Best Served Hot by Natalie Caña 🧡 Art of the Chase by Jennifer Giacalone 💛 The Haunting of Adrian Yates by Markus Harwood-Jones 💚 The Sword: Xcian by Elle Arroyo 💙 The Complete Carlisle Series by Roslyn Sinclair 💜 300,000 Kisses by Sean Hewitt and Luke Edward Hall ❤️ Just a Pinch of Magic by Alechia Dow 🧡 Blackouts by Justin Torres 💛 Wrath Becomes Her by Aden Polydoros 💚 Let the Woods Keep Our Bodies by E.M. Roy 💙 Everything Under the Moon: Fairy Tales in a Queerer Light edited by Michael Earp ❤️ Frost Bite by Angela Sylvaine

🧡 We Met in a Bar by Claire Forsythe 💛 Sweat Equity Aurora Rey 💚 Pumpkin Spice by Tagan Shepard 💙 The Misfit Mage & His Dashing Devil by M.N. Bennet 💜 Love and Other Risky Business by Sarah Brenton ❤️ Enough by Kimia Eslah 🧡 A Fire Born of Exile by Aliette de Bodard 💛 Twelve Bones by Rosie Talbot 💚 Wild Wishes and Windswept Kisses by Maya Prasad 💙 Dragged to the Wedding by Andrew Grey 💜 Fox Snare by Yoon Ha Lee ❤️ Murder and Manon by Mia P. Manansala

[soleilnomoon]

Prompt: “I don’t like them; I can barely tolerate them.” for Abarai Renji. Once again, I leave it up to you what you wanna do (but maybe enemies to lovers) Yes, I might be on a little Bleach binge right now but it's okay you like it. kiss kiss

*hides face* ok, ok, ok, hear me out, let's pretend i didn't take *insert accurate length of time here* and say i wrote this in a few days. i am so sorry i took forever and ever with this but as u know i can only give u top quality work or else i'll never forgive myself. renji is.......well *motions to him* yk how that man is, he made me suffer!!!! in a good way!!! but still i suffered!!! yk how much i love enemies 2 lovers u big brained beauty 🤭 so ty baby❤️️ also this is my first renji fic and i can't belev it.

5.2k words (don't look at me, just don't), fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni, enemies 2 lovers, angst city, angst angst city biiiitch (yk the vibez babey), smut obviously, no fluff bc who do u think i am? feat. renji being a mean petty bitch (i guess that makes him a mean dom maybe yes), sub reader bc that's what i want; there's a party with alcohol, ichigo and co. make brief appearances, bathroom sex, choking (he's sf romantic), a lot of cursing bc they're grown that's why, renji is a beast when he's jealous, reader is a lil bit of a brat but lbr who wouldn't be in that situation; mutual ""unrequited"" pining, lots of tension, fingering, rough (consensual) sex, lil bit of degradation, lil bit of a size kink, lil bit of praise kink, idk there's probably more stuff but i'm so tired rn i can't think; um renji obviously comes w his own gd warning; reader is determined to not let this man win but, hello, it's renji he always comes out on top wink wink. (if u see spelling errors/mistakes no u didn't hottie)

“when i write about all of this it becomes its own kind of violence. / i retell the story as myth, as if it were my own body devoured.” — caitlin scarano & “so much of love is violence. the desire / to be split open, invaded, mangled / and made new.” — erin slaughter

HATRED X TASTES X SWEET

you’ve never been cut out for this line of work, but your insistence on eliminating all your shortcomings is commendable. brave, even. it’s something you don’t really think about unless you want to spend the night half-drunk, rambling about the things you should’ve done but never had the courage to do.

like telling a certain red-haired, bullheaded lieutenant that he’s the most ridiculous and excessively arrogant man you’ve ever come across. all in all, you’re pretty sure telling him off won’t phase him; nothing ever does, not really anyway.

at first you try politeness; your grandmother would be proud of how well you’ve learned to bite your tongue. it’s ungraceful, but you fake it well enough that others think your emotional maturity is far above theirs. little do they know, you actually have to literally bite your tongue; simply remaining silent isn’t easy for you anymore. so, when you bite, it’s with rage, months of unshed tears and accumulated spite; you bite your tongue so hard you bleed more every time.

your unsaid words bunch together — tiny soldiers determined to strike in unison without fail — and sit heavily in the back of your throat, ready to launch forward at your command.

but you never say them, and you choke more than once; an unbearable shame to carry with you as he continues to slash at your patience, thin ribbons cascading off you like confetti. you wonder if your anger will lead to your death— or if it’ll lead to his. you intend to keep all of that hidden, though, and keep reminding yourself that eventually he will tire from berating you, from talking to you as if you’re the most incompetent being in all of soul society, from looking at you like your very being disgusts him.

that’s what you tell yourself these days. you like to conveniently ignore the way his dark eyes linger on yours during meetings — you’ve noticed that people have taken to describing them as soulless, cold and critical, unimpressed at everything and anyone.

but you see him — all of him; the raw, feral, powerful and severe side that not many have the misfortune of knowing. they think they get the real version of renji whenever they deal with him, but they never do; you know that now. you doubt it’s even intentional on his part, or maybe — just maybe — he really does hate you.

to put it plainly, as you’ve told rukia and rangiku, the sixth division lieutenant has the biggest fucking chip on his shoulder. despite the walls he continues to put up to keep others from carving out a place for themselves in his life, despite the way his words roll around his mouth, clumsily coasting down the length of his tongue before they pierce the air around you with their toxicity — you’re tired of the way he purposely singles you out time and time again to point out your inadequacies without remorse.

abarai renji is also sick of dealing with you. whenever he thinks he’s found a means of scaring you off, you scurry right back more determined and more obnoxious than ever. which is rich, coming from him.

he claims you’re inconsequential, a nuisance — a pest, even — one that he intends to get rid of permanently. it’s harsh and he’s more than aware of that, but he finds that this is the most appropriate solution to his problem. he could easily ignore you; he could try to keep his comments to himself and try to be somewhat cordial whenever you cross paths. but he won’t. and he has no damn idea why.

“no, no come in, i have plenty of snacks for everyone.”

rukia’s voice is a constant in his life that he’ll always be thankful for. he watches her glide into the room, grinning at the friends she’s invited over, her laughter like soft bells that is easily recognizable even with all the conversation happening. when he feels his chest constrict, an uncomfortable, yet familiar warmth stretching over his skin, he decides to drink so that he can ignore the sensation and forget.

a feeble attempt, because he knows how this will all end — with him drunk off his ass in an even worse mood than he started.

mouth opening, renji prepares to tell rukia to get better sake, when rangiku leads you into the living room where he’s lounging comfortably. the bottle in his hand grows heavier by the second and suddenly he’s not very interested in drinking anymore. already, his foul mood from earlier returns, and every step you take only fuels his irritation; it bubbles underneath his skin, making him frown and grip the bottle tighter.

you don’t need to look at him to know that he’s glaring at you — he always is. rangiku feigns obliviousness as she encourages you to go make yourself comfortable while she fetches snacks with rukia. you stare at both of them, wide-eyed, confused — a pleading look sliding onto your face after a few moments, but they assure you both that they’ll be back shortly.

with a sigh you sit on the armchair adjacent to him, determined to just remain quiet in the hopes that he’ll just ignore you for once. sitting up straight, discomfort finds its way to the pit of your stomach, swirling around as you fidget with the bracelet around your wrist. his eyes watch your movements with an obsessiveness that startles him; there’s no reason why he should be interested in the shape of your fingers, there’s no reason why he should be interested in the way you keep brushing stray curls away from your face, and there’s no reason why he should be interested in possibly fucking you when he knows for a fact that he is absolutely uninterested in you.

his disinterest runs so deep it spoils the taste of the sake, but he takes another swig anyway. the alcohol burns as it travels swiftly down his throat, and it just so happens that you glance over at him — innocuous, an attempt to gauge his annoyance level — as his throat bobs and your mouth dries at the sight.

you turn your face away quickly, a traitorous flush crawling slowly along your skin, unjustly warming your cheeks. inhaling deeply, you do your best to will the blush away to no avail. where the hell are rukia and rangiku? surely it can’t take that long to grab snacks. you’re tempted to go find them, but you have a sinking feeling that it would turn you into a coward.

and you refuse to give that man any more ammo against you.

IT’S X (NOT) X YOU

what initially starts as a small get-together, quickly turns into a party; leave it to rangiku to liven things up, her laughter infectious and whimsical, flitting about like a persistent hummingbird as she encourages everyone to play drinking games with her. experience taught him better than to engage because despite his high tolerance, there’s really no beating rangiku when she’s on a roll.

but when you emphatically agree to play with the rest, fury rises in his chest; your audacity, it seems, knows no bounds — and, yes, he understands the hypocrisy in his critique. he just doesn’t care.

the games are every bit as simple and ridiculous as you thought they’d be, but as everyone seems to be in relatively good spirits, you play along. not normally competitive with things like this, you get into the swing of things when you win round after round.

cheers resound nearby at your success, but throughout the evening, you feel renji’s stare and do everything in your power to not give in and look back at him. a tough feat to say the least, as you are always acutely aware of his presence; and when you do happen to sneak another glance, his legs are spread and you curse under your breath for finding that attractive.

foolish, you chide, so fucking foolish.

renji sucks his teeth as he feels a heaviness in his head; groaning loudly he swirls around what little sake he has left in his glass before finishing it.

“you lose again,” rukia’s voice is soft and teasing, but he’s annoyed and can’t be bothered with talking to her right now. she pats his shoulder gingerly before standing up to head to the kitchen. his mind is a mess and he blames you for it completely.

“i don’t fucking care,” he says gruffly to her retreating figure, not bothering to elevate his voice as he’s sure she heard him. and he really doesn’t care; he’s trying to tell himself to calm down, but he can’t.

the fault completely lies with you — of course it does, everything you do agitates every cell in his body. the reason is simple, and he hates that he doesn’t want to admit it — he’s so undeniably attracted to you that it pisses him off. he takes in your appearance for the twelfth time that night, admiring the softness of your cheeks, the fullness of your lips, the way you seem entirely too animated as you laugh at someone’s lame joke — and yes, he can tell it’s not funny from how your laughter dies down after a few seconds.

if he had better sense, he’d stop looking at you, but he can’t now; he might blame the sake for this later.

the intensity behind his gaze is enough to bring an inextinguishable heat along your skin. it’s only unpleasant because it travels down to your lower abdomen and brings about an agonizing ache between your thighs. at first, you do the sensible thing and ignore it; but the longer he stares, the more you want to look over, until finally you can’t take it anymore.

“i’ll be back,” you mumble to the other guests, although you doubt they hear you with how rowdy everyone is being; the noise isn’t unwelcomed, the distraction serves to mask your footsteps when you scurry from the living room to the back corridor, turning corner after corner until you find the bathroom.

a coward — that’s what you are.

you barricade yourself in there without thinking, heart pounding loud enough to disorient you. after several long minutes, you splash water on your face and take a few deep breaths.

“i can’t believe i ran away,” your voice is so soft you barely hear the words — almost as if you’re still in disbelief over the entire situation. there’s something off about renji tonight; the tension between you was more palatable and tangible than normal.

even though you feigned nonchalance as best as you could, there were so many moments where you couldn’t help but watch him too. pitiful. absolutely pitiful. there’s no excuse for it, and yet you struggle to find one anyway.

as you look at your reflection in the mirror above the sink, you try to convince yourself to head back out there. sooner or later, people will realize that you’ve gone missing — and rangiku is nosy enough and like a bloodhound when she’s drunk. your time is incredibly limited now.

there’s no reason for you to continue to avoid the inevitable, so you sigh and give yourself a small pep talk before heading back outside.

TRUTH X OR X …

renji’s mood doesn’t improve at all; in fact, it worsens the moment ichigo sits right next to him. he’s not even sure why this sets him off, but even closing his eyes and counting backwards does nothing to keep him calm.

with slight difficulty, renji grits out, “what do you want?”

undeterred, ichigo stares at renji pointedly, voice steady as he says, “you could go after her, you know.”

again, renji sucks his teeth loudly, arms folded against his chest, right leg bouncing slightly as he taps his foot on the floor. punching ichigo would be pointless, and then rukia would get involved and he doesn’t have time to deal with the fallout from that so he keeps his hands to himself.

besides, his anger is obviously misdirected right now. he knows — he knows —but he doesn’t care, so he doesn’t mince his words when he responds with, “go after who?” through his peripheral, he can see ichigo’s patience has also reached its limit.

“you’re not that stupid, so stop acting like it.”

normally, renji would take the opportunity to mes s around and argue back and forth, but he might actually fight his friend if he doesn’t walk away. so, he does; abrupt and without looking back, footsteps heavy on the hardwood floor.

maybe he just needs to change his approach with you, maybe talking things out would work in his favor; or maybe he needs to fuck you hard enough to purge you from his mind.

he lies to himself when he considers the first option, because it’s the second option that drives him to walk a little faster, head full of impossible thoughts as he wonders just how far you’d let him go.

when renji finally finds you, you’re in the middle of rebuffing the advances of an unfamiliar guest — they’re drunk, handsy, and keep oscillating between giving you cheesy pick-up lines and berating you for rejecting them. but you stand firm, and your voice is relatively loud when you tell them, “for the last fucking time, go away.”

under normal circumstances, renji would let you handle this yourself; he has no desire to play prince charming or be a knight in shining armor. you’re more than capable, and he’s seen the way you fight and argue to defend yourself — but, it’s when they place a wandering hand on your hip that he loses sight of all of that.

a brief moment passes, where your blood boils as you contemplate how best to kick their ass, but you never get the chance. a rather large shadow hovers over you both, but you already know who it is without having to look properly.

renji is a force to be reckoned with on a good day, but he’s at his fucking limit right now.

he doesn’t ask, doesn’t give any options for retreat, doesn’t say a word when he yanks them off with a brute strength that surprises even you.

now, can he really be blamed for throwing them into the neighboring wall hard enough to make a noticeable hole? and is it really his fault that the drunk can hardly walk as they clutch their broken arm while murmuring something unintelligible, something that renji takes as a sign of them wanting a repeat demonstration?

consequences be damned, he gives the drunk a lethal look before they scramble away in fear.

“loser,” he says loud enough for them to hear, but they don’t double back or even try to go toe-to-toe with the hot-headed lieutenant. you watch, half-amused and half-impressed with the unnecessary machismo, but still, you know better than to chastise him right now, especially when your heart sputters out of control from his proximity.

“…thanks,” you say, a faint flush on your cheeks, voice soft, head fuzzy when you realize that renji — aka mr. “i’ll fight you on everything any day of the week unprovoked for no reason other than to drive you crazy” — saved you. unprompted at that.

you make the mistake of looking up at him, your nerves prompting you to take a small step back when you realize that the usual hostility that renji reserves for you specifically is nowhere to be found. in its place is something more unreadable — or, rather, you don’t want to read into it for fear of being wrong.

renji steps closer, which makes you back up again until your back hits the wall and you’re no longer able to escape.

“we need to talk,” he says suddenly, but you shake your head, non-verbally objecting to the idea, curls bouncing wildly with your exaggerated movements. since he knows he’s pressed for time, he grabs your face with his large hand and stops you from moving. “that wasn’t a request.”

swallowing rusty nails would be better than dealing with your conflicting feelings over renji right now, because he’s much too close to you and now you’re forgetting why it is you hate him in the first place. ironically, he’s in the exact same position. so far, he’s acted on impulse over you more times than he can count tonight, but he supposes that’s to be expected — you are a wildcard, after all.

“what if i don’t want to.” your response is clumsy, the words tumbling one after the other. “what if i want you to leave?” you don’t actually mean that, but you throw it at him anyway, to see if maybe this was all a fluke, and maybe, just maybe he’ll remember himself and you both can go back to fighting like usual.

he considers your question, goes so far as to release your face to wrap his hand around your throat instead. your sharp inhale and parted lips tell him all he needs to know.

with a slightly raised brow, he asks, “well, do you?”

because if you do, he’ll walk away right now. but he knows what your answer will be, he just has to drag it out of you. he squeezes your neck to remind you to hurry it up, and before you can answer him properly, he places his leg in between yours, pressing close enough that you roll your hips forward while whimpering softly.

he really didn’t think any of this through, but luckily the adrenaline from it all won’t wear off anytime soon, so he’ll improvise along the way. he spent most of the night dealing with a semi-hard cock that wouldn’t listen to reason no matter how many times he tried to stop thinking about you. but now? all of that restraint goes out of the window, and before he can question it, he kisses you.

you’ve kissed plenty of people in your life — some good, most were mediocre and uninspiring — but renji actually takes your breath away. everything about him commands all your attention; from the way his lips move against yours greedily, leaving behind burning kisses that make your nipples harden underneath your clothes — to the way he thrusts his tongue in between your plush lips, licking inside of your mouth hotly, igniting an inextinguishable flame deep inside of you.

he grabs your hip with his free hand, squeezing hard, fingers digging firmly. all the irritation from earlier dissipates completely, leaving you feeling lightheaded and needy; you grind against him recklessly, arousal dampening the front of your panties, clit sensitive as it rubs against the delicate fabric. his cock presses against you — thick, long, and hard — and you wonder if this is why he’s so angry with you all the time.

was it always that simple?

if you asked the question aloud, he wouldn’t know what to tell you — it’s a combination of things, but mostly he’s an idiot; he knows that now, but likewise you’re an idiot too. you just don’t realize it yet.

it’s renji who pulls away first, lightly panting, breath warm against your lips as he releases his hold on your neck. he doesn’t know where he finds the strength to string together a coherent statement, but his voice is low and husky when he speaks. “answer my question.”

you blink at him, completely in a daze, lips slightly swollen from all the kissing. “wh-what?” you don’t remember what he asked you, and you don’t care.

“do you want me to leave?”

for some reason, you completely forgot that you told him that. you rub your lips together and run your hands along his chest. “no.” the answer comes out automatically, without hesitation, and that’s all the encouragement he needs.

“good.”

SAY X IT X LOUDER

he picks you up with ease, almost as if you weigh nothing; a small squeal spills out of you as you wrap your legs around his waist, and renji gives you a sly smile — one laced with mischief and an unspoken promise of what’s to come.

you’re back in the bathroom again, this time sitting on the counter with renji standing in between your legs. his hands coast along your curvy hips and down your thighs. he’s touching you but he’s not touching you and it’s driving you crazy.

with hurried, eager hands you both undress, and for the umpteenth time you internally curse this style of uniform; still, it doesn’t take too long before his hands are on you again, calloused palms rough and warm against your skin. he places a kiss on your jaw, then another on your neck right underneath your earlobe; each kiss he leaves behind distorts your common sense, makes you feel irrational and impatient. your hands are soft and well-practiced, stroking his stiff cock as his hips jerk forward from your touch.

he can’t remember the last time someone had him this worked up, which pisses him off a little; because that means him fucking you once won’t settle things. at that thought, renji bites your neck and your startled yelp quickly morphs into a moan when he runs his tongue along the mark. he dips his hand in between your thighs, rubbing his thick fingers against your slit. a loud banging on the door has you looking over, and you can’t remember if he bothered to lock it once you both were inside.

your attention nearly falters, but when he pinches your clit you buck your hips, a shiver shooting down your spine at the slight pain.

“eyes on me,” is all he says, seemingly annoyed that you would dare to focus your attention elsewhere, “always keep them on me.” what he means by that, he doesn’t know, but you take the command at face value and nod while swallowing. he slides a finger inside of your wet pussy, and while you initially wanted to keep quiet to avoid suspicion and to prevent anyone from intruding, but you can’t now.

“renji,” you breathe, fingers trembling as you hold onto the counter for support, he thrusts his finger in and out, quick and hard, before inserting another. you clench around him, hips rocking forward as he fingerfucks you and grinds his palm against your clit. you close your eyes and moan louder than you mean to, chest heaving, thoughts jumbled and incoherent. he scissors his fingers inside of you, but quickly removes them without prompting.

“fuck!” you open your eyes again and stare at him in disbelief. “why did you stop?”

he laughs darkly and grabs your face roughly, fingers pressing into your soft skin without remorse. “what did i tell you earlier?” everything about this situation is laughable. he gave you very specific instructions, ones he thought were easy enough for you to follow. for some reason your movements are sluggish, mind in a haze as you scramble to remember but nothing comes to mind.

as you open and close your mouth, looking every bit as adorable as you are alluring, he decides to show you a bit of kindness.

“get down.” his command comes swift, his patience practically nonexistent; precum glides down the head of his thick cock, but he ignores it for the sake of teaching you a lesson. you don’t bother waiting for him to repeat himself and slide off the counter. “turn around.”

like a doll, your movements are dictated by renji with simple, short statements. nothing about that phases you, though; it’s all very exciting, so when you do turn to face the counter, you bend forward and lean over the counter. renji admires the roundness of your ass and slaps it hard.

again, you find yourself moaning loudly, without shame and not caring about the volume of your voice. surely the others won’t pay attention, as they’re still very drunk and are entertaining themselves with more games. another slap on your ass has you grabbing onto the counter again, legs shaking, arousal dripping between your thighs in anticipation. if renji doesn’t fuck you soon, you might actually die.

he knows he’s taking too damn long, but it’s much more interesting making you work for him. he rubs the tip of his cock against your puffy pussy, gliding it in between your slick folds, your moans sweetly wrapping around him once he pushes inside of you slowly. someone bangs on the door again, making you look over, anxiety quickly filling your head with unnecessary what ifs that almost command your full attention.

with narrowed eyes, renji grabs onto your hair, curls soft in his hand, and yanks hard.

“the fuck did i say earlier?”

goosebumps travel down your arms as a different kind of awareness and clarity surges through you quickly. you blink at your reflection, watching the way he towers over you, his muscles hard and defined — sculpted from years of training and dedication to honing his skills. it hits you then, what he’s really asking you.

“to,” you swallow thickly, throat dry, “to keep my eyes on you always.” you say it all in one breath, gasping when he runs his tongue along the curve of your ear. you don’t know how much more you can take, but you know if you complain, if you say anything he might stop altogether.

renji’s smile is wicked and dark, his lips graze your earlobe, voice deep and gravelly, a huskiness that wasn’t there before as he thrusts into you, burying his cock deeply.

“good girl.”

he refrains from kissing you properly, instead pushing you down so you can lean over the counter again. your mind melts from it all, and you’re panting, heart beating faster and faster as he firmly places a hand on your back.

“you’re squeezing me so tight,” he remarks thoughtfully, although you note the slight strain in his voice; as much as he tries to act like he’s not that affected by you, you know that isn’t the case at all. your pussy is every bit as enticing and heavenly as he knew it would be; he pulls back and slams his cock into you all over again, filling you completely. you try to keep watching him in the mirror, but he’s fucking you like he’s angry with himself for being so attracted to you.

and he absolutely is. it’s a truth he fought against for so long that he’s given up on denying it now. your moans drip onto his skin like caramel, sticky and sweet, and when you say his name like that — your voice going higher and higher from the ferocity of his thrusts — he nearly loses his mind.

“fuck,” he says out loud, grabbing your hip roughly, your wetness coating the length of his cock, “you’re taking me so well.” he knows you can’t really answer him, and he likes that; you’re beyond caring at this point, instead focusing on the way his cock reaches a spot that has you bouncing your ass and fucking yourself against him. normally, renji would play around and edge you in retaliation, but he’s too far gone, completely under the spell of your pretty pussy, with how soft and tight it is.

you’re not sure how you got here, but you’re drowning in ecstasy right now. he instructs you to lift your leg to rest it onto the counter, pulling out momentarily to help you position and spread your legs further apart. he plunges his cock into you again, keeping his hips closer as he gives you shorter, frenzied thrusts. your head spins and you can’t think straight, but that doesn’t matter. all you care about is the way renji is angling his hips, rolling them forward to pound into your cunt roughly, balls heavy as they smack against your ass.

“oh, oh, oh.” you swear your life flashes before your eyes, because something possesses him, his strokes shorter, brutal, and frenetic. drool slides down your chin, your voice hoarse from how loud you’ve been. you’re sure someone’s heard you by now, but you don’t care.

how can you?

with renji fucking you like this — merciless and possessive, fingers brusing your skin, almost as if he wants to make sure you’ll be as obsessed with him as he is with you — your common decency, your morals, everything that makes you you, they don’t exist.

all that’s left is this burning desire to let him have his way with you for as long as he wants. thankfully, you have enough sense to not admit that out loud; who knows what kind smugness you’ll be subjected to if renji knew.

but you’re pretty damn transparent about it, he can tell from the way you can’t stop clenching your pussy around his cock, from how your pussy makes loud, lewd squelching noises — ones that he’ll commit to memory so he can revisit them from time to time.

tears roll down your cheeks and you sob as you hold onto the counter as best as you can, back arching, hips rocking against him with a neediness you never knew you had. there’s a tightening in your stomach and your pulse skyrocketing as a flash of white practically blinds you. he watches the way your pussy keeps swallowing the length of his cock, and you finally fall over the edge, orgasm suffocating you with its intensity.

your cunt flutters around him, gummy walls soft and hypnotic, an addiction he never thought he’d have; breathing heavily, his muscles tense and renji groans something that suspiciously sounds like your name. the thought alone makes your face burn and warms your chest in a way that doesn’t make sense. and when he finally cums, he humps into you, cum thick and hot as it spills inside your pussy, mixing with your slick wetness. a completely messy affair, but he doesn’t care — it’s not his bathroom, after all.

legs trembling, you’re limp and incapable of movement, whimpering and whining until he finally pulls out of you.

renji runs a hand down his face, feeling spent but more than satisfied. suddenly his shoulders aren’t so tight and tense, and his mood is much more tolerable. you do your best to stand but almost fall — your legs are useless, turned to jelly because of the man behind you. he chuckles at that, then clears his throat once he realizes. he fully expected there to be a moment of awkwardness after, but it never comes. when he sees your face — lips bruised and swollen, face flushed, eyes glazed with a faraway look — he feels compelled to kiss you again. so, he does. it’s not sweet, nor is it tender, but it still makes your heart swell all the same. he holds you close as you wrap your arms around his neck, doing your best to keep standing, even though your legs are ready to give out.

you don’t know exactly what any of this means, but you do understand him a bit better now. he’s terrible with expressing himself, but you kind of like that about him; and maybe this isn’t the healthiest relationship, but life was uncertain and you’d take renji fucking you like it’s his last day alive over him openly hating you any day.

[r3n-d4ct3d]

Tobias Erin Rogers // Ticci Toby Headcanons

Hello there wanderer~ I see you've stumbled upon this place I am [REDACTED]. Here , the portal to my masterlist. Otherwise enjoy the ride.

Content Warnings: None.

[ Content under the cut ]

- First things first, I think Toby would be a clingy type of lover, but not like clingy that he always wants touch, no I feel as though he would much prefer to be near you rather than touching you outright.

- Which brings me to my next point, Toby would enjoy holding hands with you anywhere, just to make sure youre still with him.

- I like to think Toby has a hard time trusting people so dating would NOT come easy at all, not for him no, it would probably be years of building his trust before you start to date...

- Toby would absolutely love it if you did things for him and told him how much you care about him, he would adore that.

- And onto Toby's mood swings, if he ever lashed out he would react poorly, very, very poorly, he would be apologizing non-stop for the next week. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep reminding this man that its okay.

- Reminder that only TOBY is a proxy, Tim/Masky and Brian/Hoodie are NOT proxies and belong with Marble Hornets, therefore don't know Toby.

[selfmadesaviour]

Admissions of love:

@protectxthem as Jay Halstead said "I'm in love with you."

It's not like the admission comes out of nowhere; they have been evolving their relationship for quite some time by the time the soft confession leaves Jay's lips. From partners to friends, to friends who flirt that soon evolved into falling into bed together -- and now they're... more than that.

The actual words still make her body tense, every thread of muscle goes taut in response to the three heavy words that travel throughout the dark bedroom and even if he thought she was asleep earlier, she has definitely cracked the possibility of pretending she hasn't heard him into a thousand pieces.

She feels the same. She does, really -- she doesn't know if she has ever felt as strongly for someone as she does for Jay, doesn't know what she would do if she ever lost him. She's just... not great with those words. She's spoken them out loud to four different people in her lifetime, and there's only one of them she doesn't regret.

So she is silent for longer than she probably should be. Contemplating, hesitating, gathering the courage to leap and hope; courage she hasn't felt in years. She somehow finds it, dusts it off and balls it up into a tight hold against her chest -- and throws herself into the uncertainty awaiting beneath the cliff.

"I love you, too."

[everybody-loves-purdy]

NightSun has been written in a way that makes its so it would be extremely horrible for them not to break up.

Like, it’s written kinda like the whole “fell first, fell harder” trope except it’s not cute and they shouldn’t be end game.

Of course, the ship starts with Nightheart definitely caring more about Sunbeam than she cares about him, maybe she thinks he’s handsome and gets a small crush on him but she doesn’t actually think about him as much and he thinks about her.

He gives up his clan for her, although there are very clear bigger reasons for this, really he’s just being a petty brat.

But in this time, she starts actually liking him, so when he gives her up for his clan, she is angry at first.

But she just can’t accept it, so she joins ThunderClan. We never see any ulterior motives. We only see her being glad she left after she saw the state of ShadowClan.

Thats the first big problem. Nightheart gave up Sunbeam for his Clan and then Sunbeam gave up her Clan to be with Nightheart.

And immediately afterwards, Nightheart gave up Sunbeam once again. Temporarily but still, he left her when she needed him most, yes, it was important but she would still have a right to be unhappy here.

And this whole time, yes, he worries about her, but we see that he is in her thoughts much more she is in his. While I doubt this was on purpose by the authors, it’s still something I noticed.

The Erin’s have set up a relationship where people are rooting for them breaking up. And it would be so easy for them to. They wrote it in a way that makes a breakup EASY. Yet I have a feeling they aren’t going to break up. 

I agree, I would be ok if they stay together but it’s written in a way where it would feel more fitting to me if they broke up.

Nightheart wanted a way to escape ThunderClan and Sunbeam was a way to do that, him getting away from ThunderClan was his primary motive here. Meanwhile with Sunbeam, initially she was just giving Nightheart a shot because he was so persistent, and she had just been rejected romantically and was very hurt by it, Nighhtheart feels like a rebound.

Of course it could all work out, they could actually start to communicate and work on their relationship and keep it maintained though healthy communication. And that would be a good message in itself, telling kids that (sorry for quoting SU here) “love takes time, and love takes work”.

But also it feels like without that communication and work it is doomed to fail, they feel more like friends to me. It would also be a good message I feel, especially in a series such as warrior cats where 98% of the time you have one single love interest forever and where relationships almost never dissolve without someone dying, that a great message could be “it’s ok if a relationship isn’t right, you can care for someone and appreciate them but you can’t force love, and it’s ok if someone you’re with isn’t going to be with you forever.”

Warrior cats just has this Uber monogamous thing going on where you pick someone, and then you’re married forever until death do us part and everything is sunshine and rainbows in the relationship. There are very few characters who have just broken up with someone, and usually there is some very bad blood between the two. Crowfeather’s Trial fixed Nightcloud and Crowfeather’s animosity but it still very much existed in the first place. It would be nice to just have two characters who realise they aren’t right for each other romantically and part on good terms and remain friends.

[luvforemikai]

The price of life

Jamie Reagan x daughter!reader

summary - when you get shot by an ex cop, you feel guilty for the justice that was brought on him

warnings - mentions of murder, blood, shooting, and guns. this is somewhat based of off season 1 episode 15 so you'll most likely understand it better if you watch the episode. Though most factors arent included in the episode and likewise. And if you see me put their names in front of quotes thats so you dont get confused.

-----------------------------------------

"Whats the next question" your grandpa Frank asks. You and frank are at the park eating hotdogs while you're doing a school presentation on him and his job. "Do you regret some things that have happened on the job?" You say. Pretty hesitant because you might've already known the answer to that, considering what happened to your uncle Joe. Frank takes a deep breath to gather his thoughts while staring off into space. "I have a few. When you sign up to do the things i do. Along with your dad jamie and uncle danny, some things take a toll on you. Mentally. Physically." You look down, trying to avoid the uncomfortable eye contact.. "There are things i regret i admit that. But i dont regret anything that has brought you guys into my life", he says while lifting your chin and smiling. You plaster a sad but meaningful smile on your face. "What else you got for me kid." Frank says while taking a bite out of his fry. You chuckle and look at your paper.

"So, how was i? Too detailed? Not enough details?" Frank asks while walking you to your apartment complex. Jamie had just gotten home. Its nearly dark out when you hear tires screech on the road. "You were percectly fi-" you're cut off by frank taking you to the ground, and sound of gunshots, and a burning feeling in your chest and leg. The dark SUV drifted off before you could process what happened. "Are you okay??" Frank asks while his security team asks the same of him. "Yeah" you faintly whisper with a rasp in your voice. Franks face is plain until he looks at your chest. You look down too and see blood pooling. Frank takes his hands and puts them on your wound making you flinch and groan. "You're gonna be okay y/n, just listen to the sound of my voice", is all you hear while your vision gets blurred and you slowly lose consciousness.

You wake up in the hospital with all the reagans surrounding you. "Y/n". Jamie says your name as he's sitting on a chair beside your hospital bed. You groan as you try to shift positions. "Agh, what happened". Jamie puts a hand on your shoulder "just lay down, relax." "You were shot y/n. In the chest and leg." Danny says. Linda is beside you too, rubbing your arm. She's always been like a mother to you so it was actually quite comforting, which was her initial goal. "We're gonna find who did this to you, i promise" frank says while reaching into his coat pocket to make some calls. He walks out of the room and starts talking to somebody on the phone. "Let me know if you need anything, and i mean anything".."thank you aunt erin" you say while weakly smiling. Your father, Jamie, kisses you on the forehead and leaves the room.

Its been 2 weeks and you're finally getting discharged. Feeling nothing but relief to sleep in your own bed again, eating seasoned foods that aren't bland. You order your dad to stop by the market to get you some jell-o. You've became addicted to it in the hospital and craved more. He agreed after you used your crippled status as a defeating moment. "Take it easy okay?" Jamie says as you make your way on the wheelchair. "I'll be fine I swear.". As you leave the hospital you can sense theres more than your additional family member outside waiting for you, and you were right. Frank ordered officers to 1, take you home and 2, stand gaurd outside of your apartment building. He'd offered you come stay at his home but you just wanted to lay in your bed. Jamie helped you into the back of the car. Your cast on your leg making it extra hard. He hands you your crutches and goes into the driver seat, telling frank we'll be just fine without the escort home.

You arrive home and eddie janko is there. You're crutches are giving you a hard time so she made it easier for you and met you half way. "Hiiii!!!" You say excited. Eddie was like another mother to you so seeing her after what happened instantly made you 1000x better. "Aww i heard about what happened, are you okayy".."yeah i will be. Thank you for coming though I've been wanting to see you" you say while smiling ear to ear, happy your second favorite person in the world is there with you. "Anything for you".."Cmon sweetie lets go inside" jamie says, worried your arms might give out relying on those crutches. You make it up the elevator to your home and head straight for the stairs. You freeze and stare at them in defeat. "Uh dad".."yeah?" He says while closing and locking the door. "Can i get some help". He looks at you and starts to laugh under his breath at the fact that you completely forgot you had stairs. He lifts you up bridal style and takes you up to your room.

Its sunday and you're getting ready for sunday dinner over franks place. You're trying to put on some pants and slide them over your cast but you're having a hell of a hard time. Eddie knocks on your door. "You need help with that?".."yes. Please. Im getting hot and stressed" while you let out a tired chuckle. "Ive had so many casts this is like muscle memory for me." Eddie says while kneeling and smiling. "Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it. Im glad my dad doesnt have to help me all by himself."..."of course. And i want you to know im not just doing this for your dad im doing it for you too. You both need a break it looks like"..."yeah you got that right" you say while laughing and eddie joins in. "Hey you guys ready to go?" Jamie walks in with your shoes and crutches. "Yeah dad lets go".

You arrive at franks place and is greeted like a lost puppy. You dont know how to feel about it but you were just shot twice so you let it slide for now. You guys are sitting at the table eating when your uncle danny mentions the person who shot you. Danny - "well, thank God the person who shot you is no longer in the streets" Y/n - "you guys arrested him? Why did nobody tell me?" You say while smiling. Danny - "well... we didnt exactly arrest him" y/n - "what do you mean?... you killed him?" Danny - "we seen the shot and took it y/n." Y/n - "right but why." Henry - "y/n he shot you. Did you expect them to just let him live" y/n - "no but it was the right thing to do!" You say while your voice shakes and cracks. Danny - "he shot you y/n!! And who knows who else he was thinkin about killing! Mind you, you arent the only one in new york he could've had his eyes on!" Y/n - "Yeah! I know that but you dont go around killing people in my name! I lived! And his life doesnt substitute for mine even if i didnt!!" You yell and grab your crutches to walk out. "Y/n!" Jamie yells after you while you leave to go sit in the living room. "She's right ya know" frank says as he takes a spoonfull of food in his mouth.

You refuse to talk to anyone and tell jamie to take you home. He does as he's asked to prevent any other arguing.

You're sitting in bed, blaming yourself for your shooters death when jamie comes in with the rest of your dinner you left. "Thank you" you smile and take the plate and spoon. Jamie sits next to you and put his arm around you. "Its not your fault you know"..."how"..."your uncle danny made a decision. Maybe that decision wasn't his to make but he made it. And he got a killer off the streets because of it. We didn't tell you this but, that guy, he was a killer. He took people away from their families. Mothers, fathers, daughters. People like that have no humanity. No guilt. No respect. Uncle danny made the decision that one life would save hundreds more. The life of the victims, the life of the cops who work the case, and the life of the families. Maybe it was the right decision maybe it wasn't. Who are we to decide that. But one thing i do know is that this is not your fault and it will never be your fault. Its his for putting a price on life.". You nod and look up at him. "Thank you dad" while he kisses your forehead. He takes a spoon of your food and eats it. "This is really good". You both laugh and look at eachother while he rests his head on the top of yours. "I love you y/n" "i love you too"

-----------------------------------------

I redid the end 3 times. Hope it was worth it.

[the-owl-tree]

tbh I think the wc arcs would fare a lot better if the arcs were 1-4 books long instead of 6. there’s no reason for that many if most of the conflicts can be set up in one, fleshed out in the second, resolved or close to resolving in the third, then the fallout and conclusion in the fourth. it also makes the books less… painful? to read through? because there’s six we know they HAVE to drag it out. and you can clearly tell in the writing too. asking a direct question that should be easy to answer and yet, they didn’t bc they need to write two more books. and didn’t even give a good enough reason other than *breaks wind* I also don’t like the recent trend of filler episode book mid arc. what’s up with that

I AM GLAD I'M NOT ALONE IN NOTICING THE MID ARC BOOK FILLER. It's driving me insane because often times they'll have enough from the third book to set up a good connecting book but like....don't. The chapters haven't all been posted yet so i'm hoping maybe there'll be more to it but man.....two full chapters dedicated to just Walking. Does not forebode well for the rest of the book.

I know a recent WOF arc maybe ended on four books, hoping maybe WC picks up on that but I also wouldn't mind if they just learned to use their time better. ASC has a meaty set up, lots to do! PLEASE chew on the meat Erins bite into it there's a lot do not disappoint.

edit: i have no clue why i remembered it as wof. it was bravelands that started ending its arcs after three books. so i was wrong on all counts lmao

[cryptidclaw]

I wish people appreciated more how much of a minefield Warriors is. There are types of ships I'm uncomfortable with, definitely. On the other hand, as someone who's only read the main series, I'm constantly learning so-and-so are actually related or are 10+ cat years apart! I literally can't keep track of all of it. How can I when not even the Erins can?

Just a bit of benefit of the doubt, people, right?

omg ya, warriors has sooo much incest its near impossible to keep track unless ur crazy like me and have made family trees to keep track of it all LOL

The erins really should make their own tree that they follow but they simply do not , which annoys me to no end.

Warriors is also difficult bec age gaps are sooo weird!! Like cats age super fast in their first year of life so tons of ppl find it uncomfortable to ship cats even just a year apert bec one of them will have been around when the other was a baby. And I totally understand that! I still am fine with some age gap tho its not as bad as I think its made out to be sometimes, its more about how the characters interacted during the younger's youth that matters to me...

anywaysss I think that ppl should be more chill about warriors shipping its wayyy to easy to ship characters that could be related or have a age gap that some wont like without even knowing it!