#iv given up on being satisfied with these drawings lol

[fixationsrus]

My loves! :’)

[aortaobservatory]

what are your thoughts on the time aspect? ive always loved the theme of clocks, rhythm, death, and of course dave and aradia are the best characaters ever lmfaoooo. also random rambling: i feel like i often have this sort of ticking metronome in the back of my head that makes me feel very time-y and ive always LOVED music and cool antique stuff. im not sure how much of that is an indication of my actual claspect though lol

(apologies for the ramblings xD)

Apologies; you sent this months ago and I am only answering it now! I hope these thoughts of mine are still satisfactory to read about.

I feel as though Time's inverse, Space, is understood to be "creativity", and those who may not entirely understand what an aspect is meant to be tend to take its inverse's opposite. However, the "opposite of creativity" doesn't paint a very fun picture. While "creativity" isn't necessarily wrong for Space, I understand Space to be a journey, joy in the traveling. Time, therefore, would be an ending goal, the satisfaction of victory.

From The Extended Zodiac, I pulled these keywords from the Time Aspect description. These would be the "canon" traits; they are what I adhere to when analyzing, but it should also be understood that this concept encompasses much more to do with than these keywords. Its "vibe", if you will, is much more than what is written.

TEZ Time Keywords: Struggle, restless, action, goal-oriented, relentless, empathetic, problem-solvers, (ruthless, defensive, impulsive)

The keywords I chose to represent Time are "Repetition, Goals, Efficiency, Restlessness". This aspect, like all the other aspects, is inherently neutral. It is not good or bad, but has the potential to be either.

Time is about optimization. Timebound do not create new solutions; they use what they are given within the finite and refine it into the tools they use to achieve their goals. Their satisfaction comes from the end product of their labor, and they are not satisfied if they are not working towards something; anything can be a goal to work towards for the Timebound. If Space is an infinite destiny (a course of events within the present moment), then Time is a finite fate (the future outcome).

If it's not broke, don't fix it; an efficient method is a good method, and a good method is an efficient method. It is the nature of Time to stick to what it knows works well rather than attempt to figure out some other way of achieving the same goal. (Code, and the action of coding, is a good example of this.) This repetition of methods can certainly translate into a metronome of sorts; monotonous and keeping a beat. While music is the logical conclusion to draw from this, I could make a case that it is specifically rap that is Time's purest form of music, since it focuses on the rhythm of the words rather than singing a tone. At the very least, I would say each Timebound has their own rhythm and way of doing things that is simply what makes the most efficient sense for them to do. (Perhaps that is why Dave is so fixated on being ironic when he grew up under the care of a Prince of Heart...)

Dave is the poster child for all Timebound everywhere, of course. As the Knight of Time (Active Utilizer), Dave is extremely skilled with his aspect; since Time is about efficiency, Dave would be able to achieve a great deal of things in a very short amount of time. And he does! I would almost say that if he were any other class but a Knight, the beta kids probably would have crashed and burned hard. Meanwhile with Aradia, the Maid of Time (Passive Enhancer), she would rely on others for her aspect; this manifests in a few different ways. She documents the code on the frog temple for Sollux to then adapt into SGRUB. Ghosts are considered to linger behind after their deaths due to a state of unrest and "unfinished business", which is quite in line with the nature of Time. She relies on the destruction of alternate timelines to guide her choices, which ends up amassing an army of Aradiabots to passively help the trolls in their battle against the black king.

[alrightberries]

dante’s inferno

request: wassup homie could you maybe write a college au fic where levi and reader are rommies, then one day reader brings home an adopted cat without levi's prior knowledge? You could decide what happens next lol. Tysm 🥺

❈ pairing: levi ackerman x reader

❈ genre: fluff, semi-crack ❈ word count: 4k

❈ summary: college au. in which you bring a stray cat to your dorm and your neat freak roommate won’t let you keep it.

alternatively: a compilation of college shenanigans where you and levi are best friends who are bad with feelings (ft. an unamused cat named dante)

❈ trigger warnings: profanity. mentions of alcohol and smoking. implied smut.

a/n: this was supposed to be loosely based on the nine circles of hell according to inferno by dante alighieri— hence the title— but i did my research wrong so now it’s loosely based on the seven terraces of purgatory according to divine comedy. i’m keeping the title tho.

Inspired by this art by @ryuichirou on tumblr.

Permission to repost art was granted by the artist. Do not repost/edit the art without explicit permission from the artist.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

i. first terrace: pride

“We’re not keeping it.”

“But why?”

“We’re not keeping it.”

“But why.”

Levi’s tongue clicks in annoyance. His eyes glance next you where the offending creature lay on your bed; tail curling, paws kneading at his your favorite fleece blanket. Quite frankly he’s a little offended when the little shit has the audacity to glare at him back.

He’ll never admit it, but his ego’s a bit bruised because the cat’s glare was slightly better than his.

“I said no,” he firmly replies, looking back to you. “It’s bad enough I have to share a room with an anarchist who has no respect for boundaries—“

“One time, I forgot to use a coaster that one time!”

“—and now you expect me to share a room with a dirty fur ball who does nothing but eat, shit, and sleep?”

“He’s a cat, Levi.” You murmur, scooping the cat into your arms. “And he has a name,” you give a nervous smile when you see your rommate grit his teeth. He feels a headache coming.

“You named it?”

“Dante is not an ‘it’.”

Levi makes a move to step closer but immediately stops when the ‘Dante’ hisses at him.

“Aw, he likes you.” You coo.

“Clearly,” he replies unenthusiastically. “Listen,” he sighs. “I respect your cat’s pronouns but that doesn’t mean he’s allowed to stay. Or do I need to remind you of the mac and cheese incident?”

Okay, maybe he was on to something. If you got caught with a pet in the dorms you’d breach your third and final warning, and you’d be forced to dorm off-campus. The fact that you were still here after the mac and cheese incident was solely because Levi pulled some strings (aka asked Erwin, golden boy of the campus who owed him a favor, to pull some strings).

But you couldn’t just let Dante go. There was something about him that felt so familiar; something about his black fur, thin silver eyes, unamused snarl, and overall grumpy demeanor. Especially endearing was the way he’d grumble and pretend to be annoyed whenever you tried to cuddle him but would complain if you stopped.

You just couldn’t figure out who or what he reminded you of.

Maybe you would’ve figured it out too if you weren’t so distracted with watching Levi and Dante stare at each other. Your eyes dart back and forth between the grouchy cat sitting on your bed and your grouchy roommate sitting on his desk. Both were slightly crouched over with their heads tilted up in a show of dominance; they were engaged in what seemed to be a glaring contest, gunmetal irises unamused and mouths taut in a snarl as they protected their territory.

You sigh. You really, for the life of you, couldn’t figure out why Dante felt so familiar.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

ii. second terrace: envy

Levi is not jealous. He’s not.

At least that’s what he tells himself as he sulks alone on his bed. His arms are crossed and his lips are in a pout, eyebrows knitted in distaste, occasionally glancing to your side of the room where you sat up on your bed. He’s sure whatever movie you chose to watch together is interesting and all, but right now all he could pay attention to was that stupid cat. Sitting on your stupid lap. Getting its fur stroked by your stupid hand. Getting all the love and affection his stupid self should be receiving.

It was him you should be cuddling, not Dante. Saturday nights were reserved for him and you, not you and a cat while he happened to be in the room. He’s been trying to make a move on you since high school and he can’t fucking believe he’s losing your attention to a cat. Sure, he’s always been too chicken to make a move and had to suffer seeing you get together with assholes— as per your type during your emo high school days— but this was a new low. He can’t wrap his head around the concept that he’s losing his longterm crush to a motherfucking cat.

When you coo at how adorable the fleabag was for what felt like the 50th time that night, Levi decides he’s had enough of the cuddle-hogging piece of shit.

Wordlessly, he crosses to your side of the room and lifts the cat from its perch, ignoring your protests as he sets it down on the floor and tells it to ‘scram, you little fuck.’ He uses a hand to dust your lap free of any microscopic cat particles Dante probably left behind before lying down his head down once he was satisfied. He grabs your hand to put it on his hair.

“Stroke.” He orders, eyes closing.

“What? No! You pushed off Dante.”

“He was in my spot.”

“You couldn’t have given up your lap pillow for one night?”

“One night?” He scoffs and turns to look at you. “You’ve been abandoning me for two weeks. That disgusting, tic-infested, rabies-carrying slob has no business sitting on your lap.”

“He’s not disgusting, you gave him a shower before you agreed to let me keep him. And I took him the vet to make sure he had all his shots. He’s clean, Levi.”

“Tch, good. Now throw him out and let him find someone else to freeload from.”

“Okay, what’s going on?” You guffaw. “You’ve been grumpier than usual. And why’re you being such an ass to Dante? He’s just a cat.”

“Don’t think he’s special in some way. I’m an ass to everyone.”

“Then why does it feel like you’re always extra mean to him?”

He doesn’t reply. His lips are downturned into a frown when he looks away with a click of his tongue, and you realize with a sigh you won’t be getting an answer from your cryptic roommate soon. Your fingers start mindlessly stroking his undercut when you get lost in your thoughts— a habit you developed through years of Levi using your lap as a pillow. He always complained the first few times you did it but you knew it calmed both him and you, and that it put both your minds at ease. Moreso Levi right now, apparently.

You’re keenly aware of how he seems to curl up into you the more you keep going. You watch as his shoulders slump down when you stroke the side of his face, and his eyebrows relax slightly. From your angle, you could even see the way his eyes close in content. Maybe even a tiny smile if you were being delusional.

Your lip twitches upward.

“Oh my god, Levi, are you jealous of a cat?”

“Shut up and play with my hair.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

iii. third terrace: wrath

“You owe me a new cravat.”

You blink up at your roommate. “What?”

“You owe me a new cravat.” He repeats. He pulls from his pocket a white piece of fabric— barely recognizable— torn into shreds, releases it mid-air. It gently lands on your open palm.

“Wait, did Dante do this?” You ask, eyeing the slik in your hands.

“Unless you went feral in the middle of the fucking night and decided to cut up my clothes, yes.”

“Oh my god, Levi, I’m so sorry. I swear Dante will never—“

“You actually owe me three cravats,” he interjects. “The first two I overlooked since they weren’t that expensive but I draw the line here.” His lips are downturned into a frown, eyes poorly concealing his clear distaste. “This one’s my favorite and it was made from silk.”

You eye the fabric in your hands once more before nodding in understanding, setting down the once beautiful cravat before taking out your wallet. It was only fair that you paid him back; he was being more than generous with letting your cat stay and keeping it a secret, and now you wonder how many bad things Dante’s done that Levi’s overlooked or simply never brought up with you.

“Sure, I’m really sorry. How much do I owe you?”

Levi doesn’t say anything. Instead he pulls out his phone and types something on what you could only assume was google, most likely looking for the same brand of the cravat your cat had just torn into shreds. You weren’t entirely sure how much those could cost, but surely you could afford—

“What the fuck!” You screech, eyeing the page with very, very hefty price tags listed. Holy fucking hell where did he even get the money to buy something so expensive. Gulping, you nervously look up at your unimpressed roommate. You already knew he was taking it easy on you; his aura was the only thing intimidating, at least he wasn’t giving you the murder eyes. And even though he was a man of his word, you were thankful he hasn’t reported Dante.

Still, it didn’t change the fact that Levi looked pissed beyond belief.

“Uhm... can I pay you with a check that’ll definitely bounce?”

“You will pay me in cash.”

“Fuck, fine!”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

iv. fourth terrace: sloth

Levi silently works on his desk. His laptop’s open in fromt of him, numerous notes from classes and books from the library surrounding him. The gentle sounds of clicking and clacking echoe throughout the room as fingers typed at the keyboard, eyes concentrated and lips pulled taught as he focuses on his task. He’s on a roll. He’s almost done with this part of his research, nothing could snap him out of this, he just needs to—

“Levi, when do you think Dante will come back to me?”

He stops typing and grits his teeth.

This is how it’s been the entire night. Ten minutes of peace before you ask him some stupid questions that could’ve been answered with common sense.

“Fuck if I care.”

“Do you think it was something I did?”

He resumes typing. “Yes.”

“Do you think he’ll come back?”

“No.”

“Even after all we’ve been through?”

“Still no.”

“I miss him,” you sigh. “I miss him so much.”

“Then you shouldn’t have left the door open.”

It’s been a week since Dante escaped the dorm and Levi doesn’t understand why you’re still so depressed about it. I mean, you only lost a cat that you loved and treasured and treated like family. Surely a week of moping around in your pajamas and eating nothing but chips and soda was catharsis enough.

He hears you shift in your burrito blanket, presumably to turn away from him so you can sulk into the wall next to your bed. Good. Now he can get back to working on—

“Levi do you think Dante-“

“Enough.” He grits, slamming his laptop shut.

“Where’re you going?” You ask, eyeing the way he hurriedly stuffs papers and books into his bag along with his laptop.

“Out.” He replies, grabbing his keys and his coat. “I can’t stand this shit anymore.”

Your head is burried in your blankets when he slams the door shut and all you could do was slump down because great. You lost Dante, and now you’ve royally pissed off Levi.

Great. Just fucking great.

Unlike your cat, however, your roommate comes back hours later, just before curfew. He doesn’t bother with a hello— he never does— and neither do you, opting to stay hidden underneath the sheets. Though suddenly, there’s a dip in the mattress followed by a pur next to your head.

Could it be?

“Dante?” You murmur, lifting your head from underneath your cocoon of fabric. Small black paws and silver eyes meet your gaze. “Dante!” Immediately sitting up, you pulled him to your lap, scratching his little head and cooing about how much you missed him as he purred and curled into to you.

Levi would never say it, but he missed seeing you smile at the little fleabag.

You turn to look at your roommate. “How’d you find him?”

“Asked around the campus. He wandered into another dorm building and probably thought it was ours.”

“Well yeah but... I thought you hated him?”

“I do.” He replies instantly.

“Then why’d you find him?”

“I hate him, not you.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

v. fifth terrace: avarice

“I fucking hate both of you,” Levi grumbles, staring at the dorm.

Towers of boxes lined his supposed to be clean dorm room. He had a hard time prying the door open since it was blocked, and he wasn’t even sure how the boxes weren’t blocking out the light from how high they were piled. Dante’s sat on a stack of box directly next to the door, purring and flicking his tail around. Levi squints his eyes and glares at the little shit.

“You especially.”

“Mrow?”

Levi’s day had been, with no irony or sarcasm at all, amazing. He got a good grade on his research paper; the guy in front of him at the cafe accidentally ordered an extra serving of (coincidentally, Levi’s favorite) tea and gave it to him for free; and he got full marks for the presentation he’s been worrying about for weeks. His class even got dismissed early so he had an extra hour for lunch. He knew you didn’t have classes, so in honor of his great day he thought he’d do something nice and take you out for lunch. His treat, of course.

But any trace of his good mood vanished when he went back to the dorms and got greeted to a room that looked like it came from an episode of Hoarders.

This is what he gets for trying to be nice.

“Levi! Is that you?” You called out.

“What the fuck happened?”

You laugh sheepishly— at least Levi thinks you do. He couldn’t see you beyond the hundred boxes that took up your shared room. He hears some rustling and the sound of things being moved around before finally your head pops out from behind a wall of brown, smiling at him apologetically before walking towards him (and tripping a few times).

“Remember when I said I’d order some toys for Dante as a surprise?”

Levi’s eye twitches. “Don’t tell me—”

“I accidentally ordered 10,000 instead of 10. Online shopping struggles, am I right?” You nervously chuckle at his pissed off face. Levi was not in the mood.

Your smile widens as you make twinkly gestures with your hands. “So uh... surprise?”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

vi. sixth terrace: gluttony

The clinic is still when you first entered.

The harsh smell of alcohol and sterile metal makes your nose grimace, and the coldness of the thermostat brings goosebumps to your arms. Behind the wall, somewhete in the waiting room, cats are hissing, dogs are barking, and you could even hear the sound of birds angrily chirping and rattling their cages.

Dante cowers in fear on the silver table, and your heart aches. His ears are down and his fur’s standing on its ends, but you couldn’t comfort him. Not right now, at least. The veterinarian still needed to do a few more checks.

You gulp, “how’s... how’s Dante looking, doc?”

“Not good,” she murmurs. Her eyebrows are furrowed, and she takes a deep sigh as she eyes the information on the chart. “It’ll take months before he can walk properly again, possibly more if we don’t do anything about it soon.”

“Don’t tell me... is he—-”

“I’m sorry, my dear,” she sighs. “But your cat is heavily obese.”

The corners of your lips twitch down into a frown, and your palm is warm when you start to stroke Dante’s fur. He calms down a bit from your touch, less on edge but still guarded as he warily eyes the doctor’s gloved hands.

“But I don’t understand,” you reply. “I’ve been following the recommended diet you put him on, and I haven’t been feeding him anything other than the cat food and vitamins you recommended. How’s he still obese?”

“Well, we could look into other solutions, but for now I think we ought to look at whether or not Dante has an underlying health problem.”

Levi tunes out the chatter between you and the vet, bored eyes staring into nothing. He’s leaning against a wall and he’s watching the cat carrier. Your bag’s slung over his shoulders and your coat’s in his arms, and he was sure you didn’t even need him to be here for “moral support.”

He mentally scoffs. You probably just needed a chauffeur to drive you for free, and honestly, Levi would rather feel like a chauffeur than a coat rack.

His eyes make contact with Dante’s, and all the fear in the cat’s eyes is suddenly gone, replaced with a steely glare and bared teeth. A warning, one no one else notices but him.

Levi gives him a solitary nod, understanding what Dante wanted to say.

Don’t tell Y/N I’ve been sneaking to the neighbors.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

vii. seventh terrace: desire

There’s something about the buzz of alcohol and nicotine that makes Levi confident—- the liquid courage in his veins and the smoke in his lungs clouding his judgement. Perhaps that’s where he finally gets the balls to cross the room, drunken eyes on your equally intoxicated ones, before he pulls you in for a kiss.

The kiss starts slow, with lips just interlocking and lightly testing the waters. But then he feels your tongue make its way inside his mouth and your fingers weave into his hair to tug him closer, and Levi loses the last threads of inhibition he has. His tongue massages yours and one of his arm wraps around your waist, the other comes down to grope and knead your ass. He feels you walk backwards and your hand pulls at his tie, dragging him with you. Suddenly he’s trapping you against a wall, lifting one of your legs up to wrap around his hips so he could grind his crotch into yours.

Levi doesn’t expect his first kiss with you to be like this; messy and full of tongue and spit, full of fingers clawing at clothes and small grunts escaping your lips. He was hoping it’d be more romantic, with warm cheeks and fingers softly intertwining, shy kisses exchanged through little smiles.

But he’s not about to complain—- he’s wanted to be with you for years, and god he loved having you like this. Loved having you all hot and desperate, trapped between his firm chest and the wall. His cock is hard in his pants, and he just about growls when he feels you start to undo his belt, the fly of his pants coming down as you got on your knees and stared up at him with innocent eyes as you pull out his aching boner. There’s a cheeky grin your face when you pump at his length, and your tongue peaks out of your mouth before—

“Levi, are you okay?”

His eyes snap open, and he’s greeted to the sight of your worried face directly above his.

“Fuck!” he yells, and his forehead slams into yours when he flinches away. “Sorry, sorry” he quickly ammends when you yelp in pain.

He’s covered in sweat, he notices. Chest heaving, heart beating a little too loud for his liking, and he silently pulls the blankets over his cum stained boxers when you sit beside him.

God, he was really hoping you wouldn’t notice the fact that he came in his pants like a high schooler. And it was before dream you even got to suck him off. How much more pathetic could he be.

“Are you okay?” He asks, and you nod.

“Yeah, m’fine, it’s just...” your eyes are distracted, staring off into space. Fingers trace his thighs, and you sigh. “You were having a nightmare,”

Levi blinks. “What?”

“You were having a nightmare,” you repeat. “Kept tossing and turning and groaning in your sleep. And you kept making these... funny faces,”

“...right,” he nods. Sure, a nightmare. A nightmare he never wanted to wake up from.

It takes about ten minutes to reassure you that yes, he was fine, don’t mind the way his cheeks are flushed, he was just... shaken up from his nightmare, is all. Then you’re back to bed, sleeping the night away, and twenty minutes later he’s on his way back to bed too; this time with a fresh pair of boxers and a content look on his face, all thanks to him finishing off his fantasies in the communal bathroom during his shower.

The door makes a quiet click when he shuts it behind him, and he freezes when he catches sight of Dante sat up on your bed, tail flicking behind him as he gives Levi a knowing look.

Levi squints his eyes, and he threateningly whispers, “you tell no one.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

epilogue

The half empty room brings a frown to your face, and all you could do was pout as you sealed up the last of the boxes.

“Why do you have to leave again?” you ask, and Levi turns around as he finishes folding the last of his clothes. He shrugs. “Cats aren’t allowed in the dorms.”

You owed him your entire college career, that much was sure. The RA’s found out about Dante, and Levi had taken the fall to spare you. He wasn’t required to move out since it was only his first strike, but he insisted on doing so so that Dante wouldn’t be alone, saying he already found an apartment nearby and he’ll never hear the end of it from you if he didn’t take Dante with him.

Bullshit. Levi had a soft spot for Dante, you knew that much. He wasn’t doing it for you, he was doing it for himself. Though normally you’d be overjoyed to know that Levi really did secretly like the cat he pretended to hate so much, this time, you were just pissed. You couldn’t believe a fucking cat was stealing away the guy you’ve been in love with since high school. Sure, you were too much of a coward to ask him out, but he was basically your boyfriend already—- the entire campus knew you inadvertently had dibs on each other.

“Yeah but... do you have to leave me alone?”

“I asked you to come with me, and you said no.” He points out. “I still don’t see why when we’ve been roommates since we were freshmen.”

“It’s different off-campus!”

“How?”

“Because it’s like... it’s like we’re moving in together, y’know?” you reply. “And it seemed wrong to move in with you when we’re not even dating.”

“Let’s do it, then.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighs, handing you a spare key to what you could only assume was his new apartment. You glance between him and the key in your hands, and he rolls his eyes when he realizes that you still don’t get it.

“I know we’re doing this backwards since couples don’t typically move in before the first date,” he says before gesturing to Dante. “But we already have a son, and I know you’re his favorite parent. We can share custody until you can move in with me.”

You blink. “What?” Your brain stopped working when Levi referred to you as a couple, and you’re pretty sure your heart stopped beating too. At this point, anything he said went in one ear and out the other. He flicks your forehead.

“Hey— ow! What was that for?”

“You weren’t listening.”

“And you’re being a prick!” you grumble. “It hurts, y’know.”

He scoffs. “What do you want me to do? Kiss it better?” he scoffs.

Your mouth moves faster than your brain, “I’d rather you kiss me.”

Wait. What?

Before you could go back on your words, Levi shrugs. Warm palms gently grab your cheeks, pulling your face closer to his. Your eyes widen and you momentarily freeze, brain definitely not working anymore. He hesitates when you don’t make a move, but then you’re shyly leaning forward, and that was all the confirmation Levi needs.

“If you insist,” he whispers, and suddenly your words die on your tongue when his lips interlock with yours.

alrightberries © 2020. do not modify or repost.

If you want to be added to the tag list, click this link!

[elftwink]

i know i said i would take a few weeks but i’m almost done htn lol yesterday one of my classes was delayed by like 20 mins after i already got there over half an hour early so i banged out a couple hundred pages then (side note i always forget how fun it is to read that much in a day, but also if i keep doing it i’m going to run out of books to read during my commute). i think i have a chapter or two left? maybe less if there’s stuff at the back after the story like in gtn. anyway some thots under the cut. spoilers obvs

i am a LITTLE annoyed at myself bc i was gonna post about a couple theories i had but i just kept reading and now you all just have to take me at my word that i was right about some stuff (what happened to gideon and harrow’s brain surgery that she did on herself fwiw) but anyway. gideon is back at least temporarily and omg i missed her so much. i’m like RIGHT in the middle of the final battle (confrontation? both?) so i have no idea if she makes it through... intact but i missed the quips

in general i would say that i enjoyed reading gtn a little more (i like gideon’s internal commentary quite a bit and the second person perspective, although BEAUTIFULLY used holy shit, took me awhile to adjust to), i think htn is... not better written per se but more artfully constructed [i guess??]. i think i’m almost more excited to do a reread than i am to actually finish because then i can go back over and see the big picture because htn is very good at showing you only a little bit but also making you feel like you can figure out what’s going on if you pay enough attention (you can’t, i don’t think, not all of it; harrow never has enough information at her disposal). every time things are revealed it feels like another puzzle piece snapping into place and it’s all so intentional that even when i think i don’t particularly care for an element it always ends up making total sense and being incredibly well suited to the story. 

anyway like i said i’m not done done yet and so the final resolution and explanation of everything escapes me still so this is more me rambling than anything else but iirc when the fourth kids died in gtn the writing on the wall that gideon saw was at least the same font as all the notes to harrow in this one so. i think maybe i’m just not keeping very good track of who is in what body at any given time but at that point it was just cytherea in disguise killing people. we knew she killed fifth the first time (magnus or abigail said so when harrow asked), and afaik the sleeper [cant remember her name because she had like. several? wake me up inside? though that might have been someone else. i’m always getting names mixed up. good grief. anyway] really only exists in harrow’s fake memories at the moment (well, i think she is tied to the two handed longsword. was? you can really tell i’m gonna need to do a reread to have any coherent thoughts about this all lmao) sooooo. i don’t know where i’m going with this i feel like i can’t draw conclusions without like taking notes on it all but ive connected the dots. ive connected them. what is the picture that i’m connecting the dots for? i don’t fucking know i’m just connecting them

it is imo just very fun to talk about these books and try to predict what’s going to happen next because i always guess enough that i feel self satisfied but am missing enough that every reveal still gets me. muir is an excellent author i will say that much. anyway i have class now and i’ll probably be done htn before the day is out so expect another long ass post about it lol

[confusedhalfofthetime]

Like. Dh!master x fem reader super smutty and lay on the cheese!!! Ive been quarantined and i wanna kneelllll. (If this dont cross any boundaries lol. I literally just saw this)

Hey! Thanks for the ask. So this is literally the first time ever I write smut so forgive me if it’s not perfect. Also, english isn’t my first language so I apologize for mistakes of any nature. 

I gotta say tho, I’m pretty satisfied of how it turned out. Hope you enjoy! ;)

Warnings: smut

The door of the TARDIS slammed shut and the Master rested his back against it. You raised your head from the book you were reading and your gaze met a nothing less than disheveled Master. His wide eyes, his jacket burned at the edge and his chest heaving up and down was proof that his latest plan hadn't gone as expected.

-I take it they didn't accept the peace offer? -

The Master sent you a not so friendly glance as he pushed himself off the door. He passed a nervous hand through his hair and started pushing bottons on the TARDIS counter.

-Everything is under controll- he said, his expression focused on the screen. -It's just gonna take some time-

You put the book down and studied his face. His forehead was covered in sweat and his teeth were nervously nibbling at his bottom lip. He looked hot and incredibly stressed.

-Is there something I can do? -

He hadn't exactly told you...well...anything about his plan, you hardly knew where you were.

-Raxacoricofallapatorius-

-Try saying that quickly five times-

The Master had looked at you with an annoyed expression.

-It's the planet we're going to next- he had said moving towards the console. -At least, I'm going-

-What do you mean you're going? What about me! - you had pouted.

The Master had smiled at your childish expression. -Love, this is important, I can't risk you ruining it-

-Now this is just rude-

The master hadn't given any sign of having heard your comment as he quickly pushed bottons and levers.

-And what is so important that you'd rather do it alone? -

-The Blathereen have something I'd like to own-

-Something? -

The Master had turned toward you with a slight smile, clear sign that you would know nothing more. You had huffed and rolled your eyes.

-Fine, don't tell me. I have plenty of things to do here anyway-

-I bet you do darling- he had said with a smirk.

And that was it. You weren't able to find out anything else and frankly, you didn't care. The master had a huge collection of alien artefacts in many rooms of the TARDIS. Sometimes he'd tell you stories about them, where he got them, how he got them. Most of the time it was through clever and violent means. His stories never ceased to amaze you. Maybe that "something" was just another one of those pieces to collect. In that case, he would tell you about how he got it either way.

-Damn it! - you heard him shout as he punched the consol. You were used to his outbursts, but you worried nonetheless. You got up from your seat and walked toward him.

He ran his hands through his hair once again.

-Are you okay? -

-Yes, yes fine- he replied coldly. -But I need to sort this out-

The Master walked out of the room and left you alone. He needed his time, you understood that. You just wished you could help, somehow. Not to mention, you were incredibly bored. You had spent the whole day just wandering around the TARDIS, in search of something to do. The Master had been gone for what felt like ages and now that he was finally here he was still busy with his latest adventure which you didn't know anything about. You picked up your book from the chair and looked at the cover. You could have just kept reading, you knew bothering the Master when he was in one of his moods was a really bad idea. 

Then why were you walking confindently toward his study? Oh well.

As you arrived in front of the half closed door, you could hear the Master cursing under his breath. You knocked, getting his attention. The room was dark, if not for a single candle on the desk where he sat. He glanced at you over his shoulder and the orange light of the fire exposed his tired features.

-I'm busy- he muttered before turning his back at you once more.

You weren't discouraged by that. You reached his desk covered in papers with strange drawings and words in a language you didn't understand.

-I know- you said, your hands behind your back. -I just thought you maybe needed some company-

-You thought wrong-

He really wasn't going to make it easy for you, was he?

-I was just thinking...- you could practically feel him rolling his eyes.

-Y/N- he warned.

-Come on, Master. It's been a long day, you've been away a while- as you talked you put your hands on his shoulders, feeling how tense they were. -Why don't you just relax a bit, mh?-

-I don't expect you to understand such a delicate matter- he said arrogantly but he made no effort to push you away as your hands massaged his back and shoulders.

-Oh I don't pretend to understand- you said with a velvet voice. -I just want to make you feel better. If you'll let me-

The Master closed his eyes as you purred sweet words into his ear.

-You're distracting me- he said weakly.

-Mh you don't seem to mind- you said pushing your hands under his jacket and leaving a kiss below his ear. You could swear you felt him shudder.

-Let yourself go- you whispered leaving a few more kisses on his neck. The Master tilted his head to the side to give you better access and you smirked. -You know you want to-

At that, the Master opened his eyes and before you noticed, he had gotten up and flipped you around so your back was hitting the desk's edge. His angry lips were on yours, cutting your breath short but you didn't mind. Your hands flew to his hair, gripping it tightly.

-You want me to let go? - he asked as his hands held your waist possessively. You nodded, looking into his deep, dark, lustfull eyes.

-You asked for it- he said, his voice hoarse. He took a step back.

-Kneel for me love-

His hair was messy, his dark curls falling on his forehead, his lips red and parted as he tried to steady his breath.

You didn't need to be asked twice. Your knees hit the floor sofly and you looked up at him with dilated pupils.

-Now, will you be a darling? - he asked with a smirk.

Your hands reached to unzip his trousers and free his hard cock. He drew in a deep breath as you stroked it steadily before slowly wrapping your lips around it. 

The Master closed his head and pushed his head back. It was such a sight to witness. You swirled your tongue around his tip and sucked hard, drowing a loud moan from him. He gripped a fistfull of your hair and tugged as you picked up a pace, bobbing your head to take as much of him as you could. His length hit the back of your throat and you moaned. The vibrations sent him a wave of pleasure and he gripped your hair tighter.

-Such a good girl- he praised and you closed your eyes. You could feel him getting closer and closer as his hips started to move frantically. You could feel your throat starting to burn up but you couldn't care less. The noises the Master was making were enough to make you forget the pain. You put your hand at the base of his cock to finally push him over the age and he groaned.

-Stop stop stop- he said urgently and you looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

-Get up-

You quickly obliged and got to your feet. He caressed your cheek and you leaned into his touch. His finger traced your bottom lip, whiping some of his cum off it. You promptly put it into your mouth to lick it clean and the master parted his lips. His breath coming hot and heavy against your face, you held eye contact as he replaced his finger with his toung, pushing it deep into your mouth in a heated kiss.

-Bedroom- you muttered between kisses.

-No- he breathed without letting go of you. -I wanna fuck you right here, right now-

You moaned against his mouth and he pulled you up to sit on the desk. With a quick move of his hand he pushed everything off it and his precious papers ended up on the floor. You glanced briefly at them with a pleased smile before the Master pushed you gently on the desk. You looked up at him savouring the look of lust and adoration he directed you. He pushed your arms up to take your shirt off, suddenly gentle and careful. You helped him undress you, taking your bra off before unbottoning his shirt and pushing it off his shoulders. As soon as you were both naked he kissed you hard, your tongues dancing together. Soon, his lips left yours to leave a trail of kisses along your neck and down, on your stomach. You threw your head back feeling his mouth on your clit, hot waves of pleasure washing over you, making you blush.

-Master...god yes- you moaned and he moved his toung quicker, pushing a finger inside you. You gasped and gripped his hair with one hand and the edge of the desk with the other. You couldn't be sure you'd last long, considering the pace at which the Master was using his toung. As soon as he added another finger you felt like you could explode. -Oh god, go faster- you pleaded. The Master took his toung off you and smirked.

-Look at me- he asked as he curled his fingers inside you. You pushed your head further back.

-Y/N, look at me- this time it was an order. You did as you were told and met his big, beautiful eyes. His face got closer to your just a few inches away from kissing your needy lips.

-Do you want to come? -

What. A. Bastard.

You bit your bottom lip, not wanting to give in so easily.

-Oh you're being difficult. I see- he said. At that, he added another finger. You almost screamed in pleasure. -Answer- he whispered in your ear. His pace was getting slower by the second, making you groan in frustration. -Answer. Me-

-Yes! - you shouted. -Yes, I want to come-

-Ask nicely-

-You're such a...ah! -

He had placed his thumb on your clit, circling it gently.

-I did say you were asking for it- he replied smugly.

You finally fave in.

-Please- you begged. -Please, Master-

The Master drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes.

-It wasn't so hard, was it? - he said kissing your neck. Soon, his fingers had left your entrance and you moaned in disappointment but you were soon filled by his erection.

The sound he made when he entered you was your favourite sound. Maybe second only to the sound he made when he came.

He started with a moderate pace, growing more rapid by the minute. You clinged to him, keeping him close to your body as he kissed your breasts. You weren't going to last long and neither was he, you could tell.

-Say my name- he whispered against the skin of your neck.

-Master- you said.

-Again- his thrusts were becoming sloppier and his groans more desperate.

-Master- you said a little louder.

-One more time love-

You got closer to his ear, your hot lips touching it. -Master- you whispered. And that was it.

He came inside you with a loud groan, thrusting forward as he finished. The feeling of being filled by his hot cum was enough to push you over the edge and you came right after him.

You stayed like that for a while, you stroking his hair and him resting his forehead on your shoulder.

-Feelling better? - you asked aftere a few seconds of silence.

-Mh yes- he said leaving one last kiss on your neck before getting up. -Now get out. I need to work-

You rolled your eyes at him but got up and got your clothes back on.

At least you had helped him relax. You needed to interrupt his work more often.

[fox-steward]

Ive spent the past few months reading some radfem and detrans related stuff, just curious and trying to educate myself. Then quite recently Ive basically started to feel like "oh shit maybe i actually should detransition" and its freaking me out. Im not sure if im just going crazy being in quarantine and making rash decisions, or if all the time as home gave me time for introspection to come to this conclusion. i feel so lost lol

tbh, this is how i found myself on a path to full detransition, not just stopping hormones. i just wanted some perspective—what i found was a full paradigm shift.

you didn’t ask for advice, so take or leave this: you don’t have to figure it all out right now. give yourself permission, space, and—importantly—time to see how you’re feeling, to understand what you believe about gender and sex and all of this messy shit. and if you get a handle on how you feel about that, then see what you want to do. you don’t even have to DO it yet, just see what you want. and if you continue wanting it, take small steps toward that thing, then pause and ask yourself how it feels. do you feel more authentic? do you feel less confused? are you afraid, and if so, what of? are these fears realistic? are they worth confronting anyway?

the time in quarantine has absolutely given you time for introspection, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to reach a conclusion just yet. there are actually no rules to how your life must go. that’s entirely up to you. all i can suggest is, spend the time asking the questions that come up for you, and try to answer them. try to figure out what YOU believe and why you believe it; am i living a life that satisfies me? am i living in a way that excites me? don’t worry about anyone else, what they might think of you, how they might react to your questioning or any conclusions you draw—the only person for whom those questions and answers matter is you. ultimately, you’re the person who is guaranteed to be with you your whole life—so that’s the person whose opinion matters most.

[spacephant0m]

cw for personal talk about religion/spirituality and trying to find myself. Srry for typos

I’m in my room on the verge of tears and switching between crying and having a blank stare, watching brendon’s livestream on my ipad while i type this. I’m trying to study witchcraft to some extent as I’ve never really read much of anything about it before. Specifically I was reading about christian witches. Now the thing is like, i grew up as a christian. And nowadays i still believe in God definitely, but i hate christian practices. I remember reading and studying world religions in college last year and absolutely loving it and being so sad because i never experienced such practices in my own faith that actually seemed..... like, fun, and super connective. Me bawling my eyes out at church camp and being “lost” was not exactly what i originally thought it was. I was just mentally ill and didnt know it. Deep down i always knew i had a connection with God that wasnt faltering over silly shit a kid does wrong. Kid sins. Whatever the fuck. As much as i fucken prayed and asked for forgiveness, i was fine. Christianity is always a race to be closer to God and its like.... how close can i get when im doing the same fucking exact practices over and over.... they never really taught us about meditation and becoming one with your surroundings and idk, letting your spirit free. They kind of talked about it sometimes.

But i just hate the entire setup of church. I miss the family aspect so much. Thats all i miss. I miss bible study but really i just miss the points where we talked about life. Thats usually what we did, we would have an entire lesson setup and it would become totally derailed by our conversations. And it was real and i had a sense of community that i cant get anywhere else. I havent been able to find it anywhere else. But i also miss my personal sense of spirituality. I love that word and i love that it has so many encapsulating meanings. I dont wanna be like a white man self acclaimed guru who’s like read this book it’ll help you change your life....... i feel like those guys really appropriate culture and commercialize it. Its kinda gross. I try not to associate myself with that idea but every time i think about meditating more and shit im like “ew im gonna be a gross white guy whos all at peace w himself and lives in the mountains and shit” AND IT MAKES ME MAD. I’m having a beer right now instead of a cup of tea. Probably a mistake. Tea helps me feel better but im filling my body w shit at the moment bc thats what happens when i get this sad.

Anyways i really hate the idea of practicing a religion. I made a post before asking for sort of an advice on this, like was it okay for me to like witchy things and not actually be one. I was told yes its totally okay. And im not disrespectful of anyone and i dont make fun of any religion. I just persoaally cannot see myself involved with having an actual religion. I dont even consider myself christian so how could i ever proclaim myself as a christian witch, idk.

I dont want to label myself at all. Maybe i dont need any of this. Maybe i just need to play dnd and live vicariously thru my character. Use that shit as therapy. I hear it helps a lot with mental health and social skills. That of which i am verily lacking. I’m just hurting and im pissed off. I dont know why exactly. I just want to do meditation and i wanna buy my crystals and start doing yoga again. This year i have been stretching more. Actually i started on the first of feb. i stretch every day and do vocal exercises to help my voice get more control and deepen it a bit (transmasc).

I am also just a bit overwhelmed at everything. I dont know where to start. All i know is i want to burn incense like i used to growing up bc it always made me happy. And that i only believe in like..... cleansing through these elements and a prayer to God. But i’ve always had faith issues because im so insecure, i never think God will actually help me because maybe i dont deserve it or maybe he just doesnt want to.

I’m also scared im gonna do something wrong or fuck something up. That something bad will happen or something because im dumb. I dont know if i could mix my own herbs that feel right to me, or if i should use a recipe. I feel stupid that i dont have as much faith in prayer as i wish i did, but i have faith that little rocks will help to cleanse negative energy and things like that.

I dont know why im crying, i guess because im so insecure? Or maybe life is just rly hard and i’m overthinking everything. I just feel kinda bad. Yet when my friends tell me theyre praying for me, i do have faith in that and it means the world to me.

I know none of this is a big deal to anyone, and maybe none of it should matter. But im like. Idk. Im very interested in plants and medicines of the earth and shit like i always have been ever since i was young i thought of myself as like. Awakened and shit LOL whatever that means @ 10 year old me. I dont want to feel like anything controls me or owns me, i want to feel like i am in control of my own life and that i could harness the energy around me to not only like bring me peace of mind but to help me through my journey of life.

But i guess my biggest issue is i have no fuckin clue where to start. I hate reading and all this research im trying to do to help myself figure out what i enjoy is just. Making me so fucken overwhelmed. I only read like. 1 blog post and 2 articles and im already losing it. I always grew up w the mindset that God will take care of everything but like. He already has. In my mind. Because he’s already given us all the tools we need. But folks just like. Wanna be lazy and wait for things to happen. Sometimes all u can do is wait but when it comes to like, being THE ONES IN CONTROL, “prayers for america” is dumb as fck.

Idk i dont know anything and its okay to not know right now but i want something more in my life but i want it to be like.... totally personal and i dont want it to be absolutely everything my life revolves around. I want it to just be something i do and that i love. I dont need a label for it. But idk. I just dont know what to do.

If anyone has any sort of advice or is dealing with anything like this i’d love to hear about it. My ask and msgs are open as well. I feel pretty alone right now. Im just patiently waiting for my paycheck tomorrow so i can buy these crystals i rly want. But who knows what it will take to satisfy my hungry soul.

Another problem i rly have honestly is just like. Spending a lot of money on a lot of hobbies. I feel shitty for having so many things i enjoy doing. I try to narrow it down. I havent started embroidery bc i dont wanna spend more money and i feel like i’ll never have enough time to practice. Im just. Mediocre at a lot of things instead of rly super good at one thing. I mean i think im pretty great at drawing but thats about it. But ive been doing that for 10 years so ofc im good at it NOW. But ffs. I wanna do so many things and its overwhelming. I work a minimum wage job and its. I dont have enough money for anything lol so most of my stuff is low-budge† which is fine i guess but. Idk. Im tired. Im sad.

I dont know how to be more spiritual i dont know where to start. And my mind is telling me to slap a label on it or its not anything of value. Which is bullshit. But y’know. Anxiety n shit.

[lia-nikiforov]

Weekly Anime Rambling Re: Creat...ive Conceit

Another week of getting everything mixed up because my viewing schedules are a disaster hahaha! is it very obvious i’m running out of puns

The season’s drawing to a close, and it looks like every show is rushing at full-gear to wrap up all their loose ends or end on a good place before the season break. Which means a lot of shows are doing shitfests and I have A LOT OF WORDS

I haven’t talked much about Fate/Apocrypha in this feature but I must shamefully admit I’m enjoying it way more than I expected. I’ll talk more about that in my final season rundown, so for the time being I’ll just say Astolfo is my waifu and if you use the T slur to refer to them I’ll gut you alive. 

One show clearly struggling to meet its planned middle-point is Altair, with the past two episodes breezing through plot points like a speedcourse on acquiring new party members for Mahmut. The production itself is also clearly suffering, finding an in-model shot of any given character woud be a challenge. I did like the latest episode because we’re finally getting to see more political nuances beyond “Evil empire wants to conquer the world”. I also really liked how they brought the Prenses into the fold by emphasizing her importance in the political moves they’ll carry out next, and that she was the one to come up with them was specially great

Giving female characters agency? What, Like it’s easy?

I’m not even gonna talk about episode 10 of Ballroom because it was so boring I hardly remember anything about it except thinking “is there ever gonna be any dancing” (the answer was no). But I am going to talk about episode 11 because god was it frustrating.

Firstly, this was the episode that featured the most and probably best dancing animation of the entire show. Unsurprisingly, even then it’s overshadowed by the abuse of stills and audience shots. Whatever little magic and good-will they manage to create with, for example, a neat shot of Tatara and Mako hopping is almost instantly voided by a full minute of still frames. Let 👏 me 👏 see 👏 the 👏 fucking 👏 dance 👏 gdi 👏

Of course it wouldn’t be Welcome to the Ballroom without at least a very fine layer of casual sexism and neglecting the female characters entirely, this time awfully noticeable in the second half where all the focus is on Tatara and Gaju having a load of fun with their dick measuring contest! Wait, what do you mean ballroom dancing is a pair sport?

If you ask this show, Ballroom dancing is a sport about men being cool while dragging around women who have no fucking idea of what the fuck is even going on. Add to that all the harping on how “it’s the lead that makes or breaks a pair” “if the leader is bad the pair will look bad” because I guess the follower doesn’t ever matter.Or how only the boys are dead tired after the event, because I gues the girls weren’t dancing at all, what a relaxing job it must be to be a female in competitive ballroom dancing, you don’t have to put in any effort at all!

Also the music choices are atrocious which is finally explained by the Production team revealing they thought the audience would not like “old” music -because I guess the audience is too stupid or smth- so instead they went for completely inappropriate pop-rock themes instead! Maybe don’t underestimate your audience if you want them to buy your produc! (source)

But okay, after god knows how many episodes, the Tenpei cup finally ends, Gaju and Shizuku win but Mako wins Queen of the Dancefloor! At least some recognition fo Mako’s dancing skills, that even in spite of Tatara’s sloppy dancing she managed to outshine Shizuku through her own talents! Wait, hold on, what’s that?

FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUU SHOOOOOOW

Adding insult to injury, Gaju doesn’t even apologize to Mako for treating her like crap. In spite of his scummy attitude, Gaju seems to be a good sport, so I thought at least he’d “officially” ask Mako to become his partner again, but no such luck, it’s her who approaches him first. Fuck you again, show.

I also have a lot of thoughts about the garbage treatment of Shizuku, but I’ve talked about the show enough in this week, so that’s another post.

Oh yeah, Vatican is... the expected mess I guess lol. I have literally no idea of what is going on anymore but...

I want some of that cocaine too bruh (i’m kidding, don’t do cocaine my friends)

Also, Made in Abyss is great but can we please drop all the pee jokes.

I’ve technically already watched the final episode of Re:Creators, but I want to address the penultimate episod which is the actual resolution of the conflict because it’s not only a convoluted mess (and if I went into that in detail I’d write thousands of words), it’s ultimately a betrayal of the show’s opening promise.

To elaborate, Sota’s first dialogue is something along the lines of “I’m not the protagonist of this story. This story is about her”. At first I thought it meant Selesia too bad she died meaninglessly and without really doing anything for the story like 99.99% of the creations :’D, but we later learn he’s talking about Setsuna, for whose death he feels guilty yadda yadda Potato McBoring manpain.

But then the show decided to make Altair so ridiculously and unbelievably overpowered that the only way to defeat her is the very predictable “create Setsuna” and this is where the show betrays itself

Because even if the resolution is that Setsuna and Altair go off into this some other world to live as abstract creations happily ever after, the actual emotional climax of the episode is after they disappear:

This is a massive slap in the face to everything the show was trying to do and to Setsuna’s character. Basically she’s stripped of her agency and becomes a figment of Sota’s creation. Sota who abandoned her when she was going through the hardest of times, now gets to be -even if briefly- her creator, her god, and he takes the credit for being the amazing creator that save the world. He even says it out loud in a culminating moment of disgusting conceit.

The whole purpose of the story, of the show, as it turns out to be, is to satisfy Sota’s ego. Setsuna is literally fridged for the sake of Sota’s manpain. This was never a good show, but until now it just felt like a lot of poorly executed great ideas. This, though, is basically giving up on any pretention of being “different” of stepping away from “Blandy McBoring protag saves the world because no one else but him can do it, he is so special”, and it’s made even worse because of the context of Setsuna’s death and the meaning of being a creator. Ugh, I’m coming short of words so I’ll just leave it at this was already a mediocre show and somehow they managed to go all the way and make it terrible.

And now another show that is sadly crapping the bed for its last hurrah, and one I’m very sad to be dissing like this. Yup, I’m talking about Virgin Soul

It’s like 10 episodes late and all the reward we get for waiting so long to hear Charioce’s motivation boils down and awfully rote and predictable to “Bahamut killed my mommy so now I kill Bahamut”. Next we know Charioce’s mom was also named Martha I guess. The explanation is also delivered in the most transparently expositional dialogue possible and seems like a very last-minute attempt by the writers to paint Charioce in a sympathetic light because they realized too late they hadn’t given him anything for the audience to like him beyond his romance with Nina. Somehow their explanation doesn’t even address the genocide against the gods or the enslavement of the demon race, and it seems every insinuation of Gabriel being shady has been forgotten too. Okay...

It’s sad because this feels like a hugely missed opportunity. The first half of the series painted the possibility of a tri-racial conflict in which all sides were to blame, but instead it seems like it was all a fabricated conflict to pad the way so they could have a three-way confrontation bombastic finale, but with none of the nuances and grey morals it initially promised. The characters are still great, but I’m very sad that the story has been reduced to an uninteresting, predictable cliché that doesnt even quite work with all the previously established ideas.

Oh well, the season’s almost over. Next week should be my last Rambling of the season before my Final Review and I also somehow gotta find time to post about my most anticipated shows for the fall. Fun!

[awesomeonmyown7]

Initial Evaluation: Z.D.M 21/F (MDD) - May 5, 2017

This is the case of Z.D.M. a 21 year old female diagnosed with possible MDD.

Subjective: I. Cheif Complaint: acc to the client “Nagpakatanga ako. At nagpadala sa emotion.”

II. Goals: acc to the client “Ayoko na. Tama na. Magmomove on na ko.”

III. HPI 1 month PTIE, client broke up with her bestfriend 2 weeks PTIE, client had a nervous breakdown because of jelousy and thus developed gerd 1 day PTIE, client was mad af and crying like shit

IV. Past Medical Hx Hospitalized for dengue and Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease

V. Personal Social Hx Too long to mention

VI. Performance Patterns A. Roles: Bestfriend, daughter, student B. Habits: Impoverished Habit of letting self get hurt everytime C. Routines: URGENTLY NEEDS CHANGING

OBJECTIVE: A. Mental Status Examination i. General Description - the evaluation was conducted in the client’s brain at several intervals Apperance - dishriveled hair, untidy look, untied shoelaces, anhedonic, unmotivated Attitudes towards others - client would smile and chat but cannot make eye contact, occassionally withdrawn

ii. Mood and Affect Mood - Labile Affect - Inappropriate

iii. Speech Quality - full of thought Quantity - sometimes impoverished sometimes has a lot to saaay Rate - Fast. Mad. Hurt. Crying. In pain

iv. Perception Illusions - negative. Pero umasa at nagtiwala sa hangin Hallucinations - negative. Kasi may social support siya

v. Thought content and Mental Trends Thought process - over thinking, flight of ideas, rationalization Thought content - delusion of persecution, delusion of hope na may friendship pa, delusion of believing it doesnt hurt, paranoia, denial, tendencies for suicidal ideations

vi. Sensorium and Cognition Orientation - Ox2. Oriented to place & person, BUT NOT TO THE SITUATION AND THE TIME Conciousness - alive but barely breathing Concentration and Attention - meh Memory - Good. Remembers everything…even the ones she shouldnt. Abstract thought - Good. Makes metaphors. Visuospatial ability - Good. Reading and writting - genius. Lol jk General Information - KNOWS TOO MUCH

vii.Insight Intellectual - good True emotional - not so good ERGO: IMPAIRED

viii. Judgement Social - Very Poor. Gives people too much benefit of the doubt Test - Okay? ERGO: IMPAIRED

ix. Work behaviors Attention Span - Fair. Needs prodding Concentration - Fair. Needs prodding Impulse control - Poor. SO VERY POOR. Frustration Tolerance - ALSO EXTREMELY POOR Problem Solving - genius at everything except self problems Judgement - Poor af. Following Instructions - Fair. BUT NEEDS EXTREME PRODDING.

x. Attitudes towards self Self-esteem: POOR AF Self-confidence: POOR AF

xi. Attitudes towards others Can be too nice but you know, she needs saving

Recommend: Beck depression inventory and azima as needed.

B. Functional Assessment ADL - poor grooming and eating IADL - poor health management and maintenance Education - fluctuating educational performance due to emotional instability Social Participation - selective with who to talk to Leisure - cannot find anything satisfying enough Work - meh Play - in need of fun & company Sleep and Rest - heavily affected because of insomia and thoughts

OPA Table…cannot fit in this post ahahuhu

ASSESSMENT i. S&W = lets just say she’s high func but has a hell load of issues.

ii. Prioritized Problem List 1. Problems in ADLs specifically Eating and Grooming 2. Problems in IADLs specifically Health Management and Maintenance 3. Problems in Sleep participation 4. Problems in Educational Participation 5. Problems in Leisure Participation 6. Problems in Social Participation

iii. Prognosis: Guarded. If she can follow and listen to people’s advice then she’ll be okay. If she cannot..then she will destroy herself

iv.OT Diagnosis: Client experiences problems in majority of her occupations due to problems in emotional regulation, poor motivation and poor work behaviors, disrupted routines as evidenced by having poor insight, poor judgement, irrational beliefs, having loss of apetite, getting easily distracted, being unable to focus, fluctuating performance in tasks, not wanting to do anything for herself, inability to move on, overthinking, marked displeasure, withdrawn behavior and suicidal ideations secondary to depression.

PLAN LTG1: In 1 week of OT sessions, Client will be able to independently engage ADL participation specifically eating. STG1: Client will be able to independently identify atleast 10 viands of food she finds apetizing given a table top activity in 1 OT session STG2: Client will be able to eat 5 spoonfools of food independently given cognitive behavioral techniques in 1 OT session STG3: Client will be able to eat a whole meal independently given cognitive behavioral techniques in 5 OT sessions

POA: Prep - client will be given cognitive behavioral techniques to redirect her thoughts & SMRTs Purp - client will be asked to think of things she likes or that make her happy; client will create a “happy schedule” which includes when she will do things that make her happy Occ based - client will be able to state and write/draw things she likes to eat in a peice of paper; client will be able to eat in an eating activity TUS: Kind Firmness - Matter of Fact TUG: Topical. Good friends, good company EMT: REMOVE POTENTIAL TRIGGERS

LTG2: Client will be able to independently improve ADL participation specifically grooming in 1 week of OT sessions STG1: Client will be able to come to school with her hair brushed independently in 4 OT sessions given cognitive behavioral techniques STG2: Client will be able to tie her shoes and tidy her clothes idependently in 3 OT sessions.

LTG3: Client will be able to independently improve IADL participation specifically health management and maintenance in 1 week of OT sessions STG1: Client will drink her medicines independently on time given cognitive behavioral therapy in 3 OT sessions STG2: In 4 OT sessions, client will have independently developed and follow a daily routine which involves eating on time given cognitive behavioral therapy.

LTG4: Client will be able to engage in sleep participation independently in 3 days of OT sessions. STG1: Given Cognitive behavioral techniques and SMRTs, client will be able to sleep and wake up without thinking of traumatic events in 3 OT sessions

LTG5: Client will have independently improved educational participation in 1 week of OT sessions STG1: Client will be able to focus and accomplish a given task independently in the specified time given cognitive behavioral techniques and SMRTs in 2 OT sessions STG2: Client will be able to produce quality output in 1 OT session given cognitive behavioral techniques and SMRTs STG3: Client will be able to get high grades on her written and practical exams in 4 OT sessions given cognitive behavioral techniques and SMRTs

LTG6: In 1 week of OT sessions, client will be able to engage in social participation with peers and family independently. STG1: Client will be able to state 10 things she finds purposeful in herself and in others given cognitive behavioral therapy in 1 OT session STG2: Client will be able to stop devalueing herself and stop overthinking independently for at least 1 hour in 2 OT session given cognitive behavioral therapy STG3: Client will be able to get through the day without devaluing herself and overthinking and talk to atleast 5 people independently in 4 OT sessions given cognitive behavioral therapy

LTG7: Client will be able to engage in leisure tasks independently in 1 week of OT sessions STG1: Client will be able to state 10 things she likes to do independently given cognitive behavioral therapy in 3 OT sessions. STG2: Client will be able to engage in atleast 3 leisure activities independently given cognitive behavioral therapy in 3 OT sessions. STG3: Client will be able to find something thankful about from the day, everyday given cognitive behavioral therapy and SMRTs in 1 OT session

Recommendations: Good & REAL friends, Good company, healthy environments.

this is my case. This is what I need to do. This is the first phase of the happiness project. And I thank everyone who is constantly being there for me. I owe you guys. -z.