#ive been crying nearly all day out of stress

[pseudonemisis]

I feel like my life is a game of poker in a pitch dark room for infinite stakes with a dealer who won't stop smiling

[hearties-circus]

I cant keep up with this

[watch-out-it-bites]

agh.mmn I can't wait to be away from real life I am. Very bluh.

[immamapletreekid]

once again impressed at just how quickly a new piece of media can take over my waking hours

[whoreburslut]

For day 5 you could do table sex where Wilbur is writing songs for lovejoy and he wants inspiration so he calls the y/n and it carries on from there

Kinktober: Day 5

•table sex

gender neutral reader

sorry iv taken so long to write another part

(request kinda?)

recently wilbur had been at the studio a lot more than normal, staying late and going early. this has been happening for a few weeks now he claims it’s because the new ep is nearly done, but you’ve not heard one demo and he always gets your seal of approval on all the songs.

one morning you hear wilbur leave your shared flat early so nothing out of the usual, but you remember him saying he would be the only one in the studio today as the other boys were busy, this would give wil some time to work on some lyrics. you decide you should go down there today and take him lunch, maybe you could get a sneak peak of a song as well.

you get ready and leave the house to the subway, picking up your favourite orders then redirecting your self to the studio. when you arrive you knock before entering, “come in” you hear your boyfriends agitated voice just as you push open the door. he’s at the desk in front of a screen his head is in his hands that have a tight grip on his hair, a thing he often does when he’s stressed.

you proceeded further in to the room setting the bag on the desk, standing behind him you rest your hands on his shoulders and start to apply pressure hoping to soothe him with a small massage. he leans back in his chair and lets his neck fall back also while letting a small moan slip from his mouth, as the tension from his shoulders is taken.

your eyes widen at the noise you know it wasn’t at all sexual but heat travel to your core nonetheless, wilbur slowly opens his eyes looking up at you to see why you’ve stopped, he analyses your face seeing your face red with blush and in thought. he spins around in the chair so he’s facing you looking up at you so slightly, with a devilish smirk on his face he says “did that little noise turn you on darling” his voice raspy form all the singing he’s done.

you press your thighs together to try and hide your arousal but this only make it more noticeable to wil exactly how you were feeling, he slowly rises from his chair making the hight difference significant. he leans down to connect your lips is a kiss, once they pull away a string of saliva connects you, he turns you around so you both are now facing the wall your back pressed against wilburs front.

wil puts his hand on the back of your head and slowly pushes you down so you’re bent over the table, he slowly slides your top up so your bare nipples are on the table, slowly hardening with the coldness of the table you gasp at the feeling.

he slowly drags the pants over your ass and down your legs and taps you leg indicating you to separate them. he runs his hands over your ass cheeks and you start to wiggle your hips, as you are now craving to just be touched down where you need it the most. you feel him strike your ass and you yelp loving the feeling, he gets on to his knees and he licks a strip up your heat through the underwear.

“divine” he almost moans, ripping your bottoms down with haste. he plunges two fingers in to you seeming angry that he isn’t already inside, your quivering, all this attention to you and he just isn’t touching you right. he grips your waist hard and pulls you back in to his jeans, and you feel his whole length over your ass and you feel like you could cry because it’s not in you.

you look back so you could make eye contact with him, eyes welling up you pleaded out to him “please, please i need it so bad”. that seems to have really done something for him as he is already half way to taking his pants before you even finished, he pushes your head in to the table with force and he slides inside you.

you grip the table as he is finally doing what you’ve been wanting, and he move in you at a rough pace not giving you time to adjust to his size. you can hear the table keep slamming in to the wall as wil is fucking you nice and rough, wilburs strokes start to stutter so you know he’s getting close, you start to clench around him showing wil your close too.

wil starts moving with a pace and a force that you didn’t even know was human. the table banging on the wall gotten so much louder probably going through the sound proofing, he grabs your hair and pulls your head up slightly, as his last thrust comes and he buries his cock deep inside you. you can feel his dick pulsate as he spurts cum, he lets go of your hair and your knees go weak as the table catches you.

wilbur gets you both dress and sits you in his lap as you are all tired out after, “you did so well my love” his says with a kiss on the forehead.

wils head shoots up “this gave me the best idea for a song” he scoots the chair over tho the table, you hear him speak up again “i’m not sure it fits the vibe of the album though” he giggles. all you can assume it’s got something to do with the previous activities yous participated in.

[alesyira]

'tis but a scratch

this spoilery bit of content happens much later on in villain, and by the time we actually get there, that whole story will have been revised a ton to correctly align with the prequel content i've been working on lately.

I'm quite mad that i cannot figure out how to format this like i want to, so extra spaces it is.

With all the destruction i'm writing this week with Mirio's prequel oneshots, there was a joke about how he'd need to retire and run off to hawaii when he eventually gets rid of OfA, and I made the offhanded comment that he'd better run before Hitoshi catches him after Mirio hurts Izuku ...

look if you've seen half of the painful content i've been shoving at the server you'd totally understand why people were like OH NO IZUKU

look, here, he's fine(ish)

The beginning of the end, for Izuku, occurs on a sunny afternoon. 

Or is it the end of the beginning?

With his hand tucked into the crook of Hitoshi's elbow, he hangs on with a quiet sort of joy at being escorted to the market for groceries. The tail end of his capture weapon clings to the back of his neck and trails beneath his shirt, smoothing over his skin in a slow pattern that never stills. They are in the middle of a quiet discussion about what they might make for dinner when Izuku notices the scent of ozone. 

And then,

nothing.

He isn't usually lucid for these strange daydreams. 

snips of screaming

 

blankness

overlapping voices

hey, look

come with us

warm 

cold 

wet 

nothing

home

destiny

When he rouses from his moment, it turns out it wasn't a moment. He aches from head to toe. His mouth is like a desert, parched and dry. There's a vague coppery taste in the back of his throat. His eyes feel like they've been glued shut.

He has no idea where he is. Things are fuzzy around the edges. There's a quiet beeping from his left, and on his right...

the warm slide of Hitoshi's capture weapon drifts along his arm. His hand twitches, wanting to grasp something that he knows is safe. If that's here, then-

"Izuku," Hitoshi whispers. 

The knot of stress in his chest loosens minutely. He's here. 

"Stay still. I've got you."

He'd really like to know where he is and what's going on, but Hitoshi's fingers pressing against his palm will suffice for now. 

"You were nearly crushed by a hero crash-landing right next to you."

He quirks an eyebrow. Hitoshi correctly interprets it as a request for more information. "Hero's okay, probably. At least, they're fine from that impact. Whatever's wrong with them otherwise is a different story."

His brows scrunch low. His lips twitch into a frown. 

"Lemillion."

The word is enough to make him choke on his next breath. The last time he'd seen that hero in person had been a terrifying day. 

Twice now, though.  Twice he'd had an encounter with the hero, and twice he'd had - well... apparently a rough day. 

His lips part. He wants to ask for water, but no sound escapes. 

What the hell happened to me?

An ice chip sweeps slowly across his lower lip.

"Ah, don't cry," he hears Hitoshi gently admonish. "You're already dehydrated enough." 

Water drips between his lips, terribly slow. He wants to suck down an entire gallon of water, but he doesn't think he'd be able to lift a cup, let alone swallow right now.

"You've got an IV in with some fluids. It should help."

Where the hell am I?

He manages to crack open his right eye, but his vision is blurry. 

Gentle whispers echo in the farthest corners of the room, so vague he's not sure he's understanding the words.

homesafehereours

[safetyobstacles]

starting o segredo na floresta now, im either gonna finish this in a week or its gonna take months good luck me

update - i love joui

joui, its a little cloudy out, roll for sanity. joe, you stubbed your toe, roll sanity. joui did you just frown???????? roll a sanity test with disadvantage. that was cool joui, you gain 1 sanity. just kidding somewhere in the netherlands a child tripped and scraped their knee, you lose 10 sanity.

i think im going to put my updates under the cut instead of spamming posts B) beware of spoil

UPDATE

if cellbit takes liz or thiago from me ill never forgive him

this bar has to be its own paranormal entity, thiago would have died if the gun had a bullet in it and cristopher nearly got knifed to death in their first fight loll

EP 2

npc thiago about to be the most useless mf ever i swear if he dies to a stray ant or something ill cry just put him in a box for safe keeping

what would i do without the mental image of joui dropkicking every monster he sees

liz why are you finger painting with the ooze monsters remains and why did it give you 1 hp ?????? NEVERMIND

EP 3

RACCOON bro has 8 health but he sure is happy

faz um teste de sanidade

when i said thiago was gonna die to an ant i didnt actually mean kill him with giant spiders

cristopher no please dont climb a tree these are spiders they can climb nah bro cristopher is dead af im gonna miss him. bro cellbit just kill him already bros dead 2 hp

damn

ep 4

at this rate luba doesnt even need to roll sanity we all know hes gonna fail anyways joui's having the worst two days of his life

jesus christ i just woke up i cant handle this shit cesar's punching a hole in my itty bitty heart bones

please stop talking about leticio's cacetinho

EP 5 how long is too long for a tumblr post btw

the starting soon screen replaced cris with arthur notlikethis

cellbit is far too happy about them going to this house i hate it i hate it

i would like for them to leave a casa now :))) they got gregório time to go :) DAMN JOUI JUST GOT STEAMROLLED BY THAT ZOMBIE ROLLED A 99 VS CELLS 1 jesus christ thiago LOL NO WAY GREGÓRIO IS DEAD AF bro was just taking a nap in the car and this is what he gets

that was horribly stressful its 3 am how am i supposed to sleep after that

to be fair, if i was rodolfo and liz didnt use the tazer, i would have just dragged gregório in front of arthur and killed him in right in front of his face soo...

ROLLED 100 LOOOOOOOOOOOOL a caverna

COOL GUY ALERT HOPE HE DOESNT KILL BRULIO HAHAhahaaa

EP 6 I HAVE GREAT ANXIETY THIS MESTRE GUY IS ABOUT TO KILL HALF THE SQUAD

luba i know youve been rolling absolute dog shit the last 5 episodes but this one really counts buddy brulio :(

most stressful hour of youtube ive ever sat through i cant believe they all lived

A PORTA FORTE

EP 7 im so glad they're going back to the house im so happy ive never wanted anything else this is great nothing could go wrong in this house nothing

7 episodes in and ive just now realised that he keeps talking about circles and spirals and those have significance with a certain element and now i want them to leave carpazinha go back home forget this ever happened

undressing with the homies in the haunted basement next to a dead old man

not thiago canonically talking to a bookshelf after complaining about joui's whispering to his shotgun

THIS GRAVE IS SO COMPLICATEDDDD I BET ITS FUCKING EMPTY THEYRE ARGUING ABOUT HOW TO "knock out" AN OLD LADY AND ITS PROBABLY JUST WORMS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GRAVEEE

this whole graveyard scene has me in tears thiago staring at nothing while they try to get him to unmute, old guy on the phone, joui picking up the old lady i just laughed so hard i feel ill

the one time joui doesnt fail a roll he loses 6 SANITY?? 8 SANITY?????????????? SENHORA VOCE TA BEM????? YOU JUST CHOKED HER OUT JOUI WAIT SHES GONNA DIE??????????? SHES GOING TO DIE???????????? THE GASOLINE IN THE MOUTH??

grounded from the shotgun for 1 week

EP 8

Thiago's pants are still fucked up from last episode btw

about to have a tpk over alchohol poisoning

if cesar survives this campaign hes gonna put as many points possible into forgery

a caverna im goign fuckign crazy the god of tdeath pr spomething is in this cave theyre gonna walk inside trip on a pebble and get eaten by hundreds of tiny cave beetles

Victor is absolutely about to get his face eated by a spider and/or be swallowed by the cave

ok but santo berço looks kinda cool like i would live there

EP 9 he just (re?)released osnf merch but i refuse to be spoiled by absolutely anything ive done so well i will not be tainted by cesar's really cool green on black long sleeve

wait i love the gatekeeper its a shame this town is probably a hallucination and theyre all actually slowly dying in the middle of the forest GIANT COWS I LOVE THE GIANT COWS WITH REGULAR SIZED HEADS

????????????????????????????????FELPS??????????????????????

buttery butter

thiago this is why you should have quit smoking

?????FELPS?????????

EP 10 so if thiago hadnt used the lighter would felps still be alive, probably just would have died later B)

bro joui has got to buy new dice this is crazy

this is gonna be the average 2 star motel experience BRO JUST DABBED ON CESAR liz is about to get bodied by the hallway ghosts this is just like a regular motel HUH UHHHHHHH

no joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy joui kill the hotel guy

mom i want to go home i dont want to stay in santo berço anymore jesus christ

EP 11 how am i supposed to just start the next episode after that i think the mental image of brulio beating arthurs skull in is burned into my brain space

sandwich sandwich

i love the giant cows so much i want one GIANT CHICKEN LAY GIANT EGG I LOVE THE GIANT CHICKEN intimidating the human sized pig

EP 12 still thinking about how cellbit thought new zealand was so close to europe, he was so sure of it that he was making me unsure of where i knew new zealand was

both times thiago was played by cellbit some horrific shit happened so with arthur being an npc this episode im prepared for the worst also this starting soon screen is fucking wicked

are you telling me joui's max sanity is now 12 bros been losing it for so long hes stuck like this joui is the "damn, you live like this?" meme

CELLBO ROLEPLAYED TOO HARD HIS HEADSET JOINED AS AN ENEMY AND BEAT HIS SETUP

"that sounds like a book title" bro let the intrusive thought win

baby nidere

no way the cow has been suffering this whole time ill cry

theyre about to rp their way into an angry medieval mob when they get found with the body of the dead gatekeeper B) does santo berço have dungeons, bc if they do thats where theyll be sleeping tonight nvm the gatekeeper has demons inside him sorry joui HUh no way they killed the gatekeeper dude wtf

EP 13 chat's a bit excited to go in the cave guys if anyone reads this what am i supposed to do once i finish this season. what do you mean i just have to go onto desconjuração. what do you mean i have to leave this story behind. please let me keep all the characters in this one.

THE CAVE MAP IS COOOOOOL THE LIGHT MOVES WITH THE MINER everyone struggling to flip their characters 5 mins into the cave made me laugh so hard i had to pause to breathe

I LOVE MOLES DUDE THEYRE SO COOL ok but i dont love this many moles BRO I LOVE MOTHS TOO THIS IS AWESOME wait no i hate bats THIS MOTH IS SUFFERINGGGGG

THE SUCC hes about to kill them all with the Succ out of spite thiago never mock one of cellbit's monsters again ARTHUR ZIUM

door door door door door door door door door door the gatekeeper is alive???

ih arthur nah dude let go of cesar :(((((((((((( gotta hand it to arthur hes survived two of these situations now get it, hand it to him, CAUSE HE LOST HIS FUCKING ARM WTF HIS ARM DETATCH LIKE A LEGO sorry i vote we still kill the gatekeeper just in case just to be safe

EP 14 did cellbit have a past traumatic experience with a vacuum is that why he created the Succ

agatha?????? bro agatha's life sucked big pp

every time cellbit says hes excited for something i grow more afraid

if they kill and eat the gatekeeper would he also taste delicious just wondering

i think i might know the reason why 12 sanity joui has a funky grey form but 55 sanity thiago doesnt, but maybe im crazy nevermind thiago had the funky grey within him this whole time wait does that mean hes gonna die if santo berço dies DAMN

joui just really wants to see thiago naked also hes just blatantly stealing arthur's knife he really is losing all his sanity that was possibly the most unconvincing "nada" ive ever heard

EP 15 before i start a new episode i always go to the vod on twitch and watch the memes first so i can go "hehe" for five minutes, and then go "oh no" for the next 4 hours

hypothetically, if joui managed to get the symbol on him before anyone noticed would he have just lost all 12 of his sanity and gone mad cuz that would have been crazy :,)

this is it cellbit is finally going to kill npc thiago joui is so very happy about his shotgun i thought maybe he was getting better but hes whispering to it again

alright whats up with cellbit and the outwards opening doors because i swear i have never seen a door that opens out instead of in, are all the doors like that in his home these doors are made to have creatures attack from inside ih i just checked like 3 times to make sure i was on the right episode lmaoooo

"pobre martha" DAAAAAAMN MARIANA ICE COLD

one buff woman vs all 3 equipe kelvin who will win (1 woman) crazy that equipe kelvin managed to accomplish what took our group 9 episodes to get to lool they even got the leticio cacetinho dlc, but they did skip the spider boss fight and the entire house level

THE BLACKSMITH IS MIGUEL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

EP 16 the joui, liz, and arthur cosplay look like theyre going to a nice dinner meanwhile thiago, kenan, and cesar just look homeless

idk if thiago's making it out of this one :,) maybe we just take thiago's weapons its not like he can do much to help anyways kenan wants to skin him listen brother i dont think thats gonna work im at the 52 min mark and cellbit is acting sus af the blacksmith is about to appear and stomp them all or something

joui would roll a 99 and nearly knife cesar and liz is trying so hard not to metagame her way to the explosive backpack loving how trigger happy joui is right now go on guys give him more explosives what the worst that could happen

is kenan also a wellspring do they have to kill him cuz thats gonna be kind of awkward and on that note since thiago has the symbol on him does that make him a wellspring too ill cry i will cry

NOT JOUI APOLOGIZING FOR LYING ABOUT HIS SAMURAI ANCESTRY

damn that scene between joui, liz, and thiago was the best in the entire season

i would like to take this moment before they all get swallowed alive by some horrible sludge tentacle monster to proclaim my absolute hatred of Santo Berço. I know i said at the end of episode 8 that i thought it looked cool but im over it ive moved past that point in my life i hate Santo Berço

BIG GOOEY MEATBALL

"the people are happy here!" says the blacksmith as he currently has 5 people forcefully locked up for decades that have gone mad with probably no way of ever regaining their sanity i just realised miguel and the old blacksmith fucked and had a kid

final boss aboutta come crawling out of the meatball please stop trying to skin thiago the symbol isnt gonna come off

THAT WAS SICK AF THEYRE ALL DEAD AS HELL

???????????????????? "kenan you have one last sane move before i take your character and throw him off a cliff"

:(

post i made after i finished osnf (made like 3 days later because i was so so so so so so so so so so sad)

https://www.tumblr.com/safetyobstacles/739056899257942016/i-finished-osnf-after-almost-2-months-and-you-know?source=share

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

[unwillingprince]

"It... happened again."

Jennifer blinked. Narrowing her eyes, she very nearly hung up the phone until the voice on the other line started to choke. She knew that voice. "...Jonathan? Jonathan! Where are you? What happened?!"

Jack Stone had been missing for three days; a runaway. It'd been a disappointing thought. He was doing so well in his therapy and treatment, and it didn't quite make sense to anyone here for him to up and abandon all his progress. It, unfortunately, wasn't exactly an uncommon occurrence, though. Some patients see themselves as fixed once past a certain point and decide to check themselves out and leave before treatment is finished. The majority of them failed to thrive and ended up back in medical care or... worse.

At least, Jennifer had thought he was a runaway. Hearing him cry and babble on the other line was more than enough to convince her that wasn't the case. Her heart was racing in her chest, her palm running over her forehead as she scrambled for a pen. "J-.. Jon! Jon! Slow!" She begged him and then immediately apologized when she heard him whine in fear. Pushing out a stressed breath, she grabbed her notepad and swallowed hard. As soft and gently as she could, she spoke again. "...Okay, honey, do you know where you're at?"

------

The scene at the house was out of a nightmare. The body of Alan Nowak was nearly unidentifiable, his face damaged so badly. As horrifying as that was, it wasn't what really scared her.

Jennifer felt her heart drop to her stomach as the paramedics ushered her client outside on a gurney. Jonathan was unconscious and handcuffed to the railing. His own face was swollen so bad it was hard to really recognize it as the kind young man she talked with regularly. Jogging after one of the EMTs, she grabbed his shoulder. "Why isn't he awake? He was conscious when he called. What happened?"

Helping his partner load him into the back of the ambulance, he glanced back at the woman and offered her a frown. "Strung himself up. I... guess he killed that boy and couldn't sit with it." He said and hopped up into the vehicle. Jennifer's limbs felt heavy, her face paled. She watched the two emergency responders stick him with an IV and fix an oxygen mask over his face. "Oh, Jon.."

-----

Back in her office, she shut the door behind her and moved to sink into her chair. Running her hand over her lips, Jennifer closed her eyes and let out a slow breath. Fuck. Shit! She buried her face in her arms and stomped at the floor with her pink heel. Doing her best to gather herself together enough to speak, she lifted her head and reached for the phone.

"Mary?" She paged the front desk. "Can you do me a favor? Give Alex Prescott a call and have him meet me at the hospital in an hour."

@purposefully-lost

[fedorahead]

I had a breakdown earlier because I've been so overstimulated by people and I'm not reaching basic goals like "clean room over break" even though the break in reference was summer break and i'm nearly done with winter break. and i have alot of other things i gotta do to but every time i'm surrounded by people their emotions and issues and wants and needs are pasted over mine and i forget everything. i have finally stopped going out of my way to cater to unreasonable demands or expectations, like, it's not my job to make someone happy when they can't even use their words like a grown up, but since they'll still sigh and snap and do anxious things around me i'm still being totally overcome by their shit energy

so anyway ive been getting increasingly stressed

and i broke down and said i didnt want to socialize i didnt want to go to amtgard i didn't want to go to the store i didn't want to go back to work i just want to do nothing and be able to have a clear fucking thought, and that i dont have a rewards center in my brain the way most people do so finishing tasks doesnt make me feel relief.

and i brought up that my room being a mess makes me stressed every day and adds to my misery and i hate that i can't even figure out how to do that and even when i do that i'm still not even fully moved in here and so a clear room means space for living room stuff to clutter it, and then a clear living room means space for garage stuff to clutter it, and people keep giving me shit i dont need or want and it keeps building and i keep building piles of random shit arou d me and i can't even do the basics of tidying and my husband said he'd help and i started crying and said i didn't want to make him do everything for me.

and my husband said that he doesn't want to be disabled either, and he knows i would do it if i could, because obviously i care about it even if it isn't rewarding, and that it will make my life easier even if i don't feel like i succeeded by it being clean because it's making my life worse messy.

and he said he doesn't mind doing the things i struggle with for or with me, because i do the things he struggles with for or with him, and we can work together and also i do that other thing he likes which makes it all worth it anyway.

and my dudes, i have the best frickin husband in the world. i've spent my entire life not understanding why i work harder than everyone around me and get less done, and this person comes in and is helpful and actually shares a workload with me, my workload, and doesn't resent me for it. he cooks my meals and washes the dishes and helps me with nearly everything in my life. and i drive us all over the state so he can be in tourneys and i talk to people about his knighting and make sure that he has his medication and talk him through his rough patches too. and i love him unconditionally, and he loves me unconditionally. and we make sure to set time aside to be alone together and talk and cuddle every night even when he isn't staying in my room with me or is staying up for a few more hours and has stuff to do. and he takes care of our cats and i adopt more cats and pay their vet bills while he feeds them and waters them and teaches them life skills.

he's the best. and i feel so much better because we had this talk.

[1d1195]

Boyfriends IV

Part I Part II Part III

Cavity warning: sweet fluff overload

“Harry Styles,” she said sweetly. He loved the sound of his name on her lips. It was like a lullaby. A whole song. A poem, a sonnet, a monologue. Her mouth made his name sound like the best honey made by the best bees.

You’re back at it again.

“Do you want to get a place together?” He asked.

She was in the middle of washing dishes when he asked, and she almost had a heart attack. “Really?” She questioned so unsurely. It broke his heart to know she felt so little of herself when he had been doing everything to build her trust in him and herself. He smirked at her as he finished wrapping up the other dishes from their dinner to put away for leftovers tomorrow for lunch.

“Yes, really,” he chuckled at her in awe of her obliviousness. She looked at him suspiciously. Nearly gulped in nervousness and he smiled sweetly at her. “Y’don’t have to...jus’ thought it would make some things easier,” he shrugged.

“Um...” she shook her head. “My lease doesn’t...” she started but then shook her head. “I want to,” she said definitively. She really wanted to. Being with Harry was as easy as breathing and he was right, it would make so much more sense to live together rather than splitting the weeks up across their two places, spending twice as much on rent, and spreading their belongings across the entire town.

Harry grinned brightly. He loved her so much it pained him sometimes in the best of ways. She was so cute and lovely, and he wanted to kiss her for the rest of his life. “Y’sure, kitten?” He asked. He didn’t want to pressure her...they hadn’t been together a full year yet. But it was so easy with her. Everything was. It made all the sense in the world for them to be together. She nodded firmly.

She was elated by the way he smiled at her. It made her heart flutter in her chest and her stomach fluttered almost as much. She adored him. He pulled her to him and pressed his lips carefully over hers. It made her audibly moan at the touch. She wanted to kiss him for the rest of her life. “I know y’lease ends in August,” he said. “Niall’s moving out and passing the house off to the upperclassmen frat members...so if you want to move into a new place, we could do it slowly while we wait out your lease...if y’want...or now. Whatever you want, really,” he explained lazily. He just wanted to kiss her some more. So, he did.

She giggled against his lips, and she sighed dreamily. After the world’s worst breakup, Harry seemed like the sweetest hello. She still worried a bit if she was good enough or not, but it was hard to argue with all the kissing. Harry had already seen her at her worst. Crying and stressed from boys and finals. It couldn’t get worse than that.

She wished so very badly that he was the first and last boyfriend she ever had. It would have saved her so much time. All she could think about was how Harry was lemonade on the hottest day in the summer. The warmest blanket in the dead of winter. He was everything. He said that she put the moon in the sky. Her friend said he looked at her like she put the water in the ocean. But there was nothing Harry wouldn’t do to make her smile. She may have put water in the ocean or the moon in the sky, but Harry was the center of every galaxy in her universe.

So, was it impossible to believe that she still did not feel like she was enough?

*

It was a bad day. A really bad one at work compounded with tasks that needed to get done at home. No one said anything to her about the work she did, or didn’t do, nor did they complain about the lack of tasks completed. It was entirely in her head that she was underperforming that day. If she thought for an extra thirty seconds, she may have realized her hormones were fighting to take over her body by the end of the week, but right now, it was all her fault. Everything always was and she should just try to be better.

She was more stressed as she entered her apartment that she shared with Harry now. It wasn’t even a mess by any normal standards. But there were her standards; and by her standards it was a mess that she had put off all week. She was overwhelmed with all she needed to do. Just another task list that she had to do. In her head, if she didn’t do it, Harry would...

She doesn’t know why she thought that way. She knew in the back of her mind it wasn’t true.

Her eyes welled with tears. She changed quickly into comfortable clothing and started doing too many things at once. The washer was started, the dishes needed to be loaded, the table needed to be dusted. She listened to the music playing loudly in her ears. Putting it off all week because she was so tired when she got home from work sounded so stupid in her brain right now and she mentally berated herself for it. Harry didn’t even seem to mind. If he did, he hid it well. But that was just it, he had to be hiding it. He probably expected her to do it since his hours were a hair longer than hers.

That wasn’t the case in the slightest. He had begged her so many times to leave chores for him to do. He felt like a lazy bum living with her. She did everything. “The perfect little housewife,” he said cutely when she mopped the floors. Harry wasn’t sexist and he didn’t mean it in a derogatory way. He thought she was precious and adored her so much. He would rather her be a housewife. He wanted to take care of her in every way and when it came to chores, she did everything so much quicker and better than Harry did.

“I don’t mind,” she shrugged. He nodded but always did his best to help anyway. He loved to fold laundry and he enjoyed dusting because he knew it aggravated her allergies. He was also great at cleaning the tops of appliances and cabinets because he was so tall. But there was no stopping her angry self-hatred right now. It didn’t matter Harry was always so gentle with her. Especially this past week when he carried her from the couch to the bed whenever she fell asleep reading or watching TV with him. He was so soft with her. It made her feel so...painfully aware of how much he adored her. So, when he wasn’t there, it was hard for her to remember that he did adore her endlessly.

But he hadn’t...said he loved her yet...not really...not officially... And maybe she knew...God did she know...but if he did...why didn’t he just say it? It was just more for her to think about as she scrubbed the bathroom sink. If the place was clean, he would love her. That made sense in her head.

Harry was assaulted by the chemical smell of the cleaning products. He thought he heard her sniffling and he blinked and wondered if she injured herself while cleaning. He had seen her get quite hasty cleaning the stove when it was still hot, and she nearly seared a fingerprint off the tip of her finger. He was anxious when she did stuff like that. She rushed sometimes in effort to be doing too many things at once.

“Kitten, m’home,” he called kicking his shoes off at the door. He didn’t hear a reply and instead the vacuum turned on and hummed to life. He furrowed his brows and followed the sound to their shared bedroom. Her shoulders shook with her back to the door. Harry saw the wire in her ears so he knew she couldn’t hear him. He prayed he was imagining the shake of her body that looked like she was crying as she ran the vacuum over the section of carpet closest to her nightstand. That was enough for him to just about lose it. The anger in his chest started to bubble. He wanted to kill whoever hurt her. He never wanted her to be sad.

He reached out knowing not being able to hear him would spook her. “Kitten,” he cooed gently when he touched her. She jumped regardless of his efforts to not scare her. She turned to him, and his heart broke. “Kitten,” he admonished nervously at the sight. He pulled the headphones from her ears, settling them on the bed. He stroked her cheeks of her long tears before he cupped her face as she started to unabashedly cry. It wasn’t like the cries he’d become so accustomed to seeing when they watched movies that caused the emotion in her heart to bubble over. No, he hadn’t seen her cry like this in over a year...not since her horrible break up. “Oh m’love, s’matter?” He wondered and pulled her to him. He clicked the vacuum off, and she started crying harder as she melted into his chest.

Harry doesn’t know who hurt her today, but he was already plotting their murder. He squeezed her tightly hoping the pressure of having him against her chest would soothe her, but she just continued to cry horrible cries that made Harry ache all over. It was torture. He knew that if he was ever held captive for any reason, he would be done for the moment they showed a mere picture of tears falling down her cheek. He would spill any secret for her. There was no loyalty he had in his body except to her. She was his only weakness, and he didn’t care. “Kitten,” he tried again.

“Do you love me?” She croaked. “Because you’ve never said it and I know it’s stupid because I’m pretty sure you do because there’s no way I can be so in love with you, and you don’t love me back. But I had a horrible, horrible, horrible day at work. And I’m pretty sure that if I don’t clean this whole apartment, you’ll leave me, too, because m’so useless...and find someone that doesn’t make stupid mistakes and doesn’t get tired by 8:30 and can still do all the chores without you having to lift a finger and...you’ll just find someone at a party and—” she gasped for air.

“Oh kitten,” he all but moaned. He didn’t know it was him that made her feel this way. “M’love,” he squeezed her tighter to him and pressed his lips to the top of her head. “M’poor love,” he whispered and pushed her away for a moment to take in her horribly teary face but somehow, she still had to be the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. More beautiful than the first day he saw her.

“M’sorry,” she croaked. He shook his head. His heart was aching at the sight of her falling apart over him. When he had promised himself and her, he would never let her tears fall because of him.

“Never realized I hadn’t said it,” he murmured and swiped his thumbs along her cheeks. He watched her sniffle. “I love you...so...” he sighed dreamily and pressed his forehead to hers. “Kitten, m’so in love with you I could cry m’self,” he told her. “You’re my entire world,” he promised.

Her face crumpled like it did when he told her she put the moon in the sky. The relief was palpable in the air. “Really?” She whispered.

“Didn’t realize I was doing a terrible job at showing it,” he chuckled sadly and kissed her forehead. “What happened, kitten?” He asked gently pushing her hair away from his face so he could spread some kisses across her tear-stained cheeks and eyes. “Was ready t’kill someone for you. Turned out s’me that got you all worked up,” he said grumpily.

She shook her head quickly to take the blame away from him. She immediately felt bad for worrying him. “N-no...m’just...was a bad day,” she hiccupped.

“Kitten, I adore you. You’re my favorite person in the world. I love you so dearly it breaks my heart to see you like this.”

She reached up to swipe her eyes. “Stupid,” she muttered and looked away. “M’sorry.”

He shook his head and sat her on the bed. He stood between her knees and looked down at her still holding her face between his hands like she would break at the slightest breeze. She was utterly beautiful. Even all sad. “Kitten,” he said softly.

“S’just... I had a bad day. And...in my head it made sense that if I make all these mistakes, you’ll find someone better...” she shook her head. “It sounds stupid out loud.”

“It is pretty stupid,” he smirked wryly. She pouted and looked at him with the cutest grumpy face he’d ever seen. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body, and she couldn’t even pretend well to try.

“Don’t be mean.”

“Kitten, you’re my world,” he told her. “You...you do so much for me, and I love you so much for it, but y’don’t have to. I would...I want t’do more for you. I would love you if y’made me do everything and you jus’ sat here looking beautiful and kissed me all day.”

She sighed heavily, relieved. But she cast her eyes down as she thought about her next sentence. He was able to see some stray tears clung to the most beautiful lashes he adored so much. If he wasn’t so mad she was upset, he would tell her that her tears looked like gemstones and it was just another thing he loved about her. “I just...value my own worth on doing things...doing things for you,” she explained. “So, when I don’t...or when I mess up a lot, I... I don’t know why you’d want to be with me.”

“Kitten, if I did less things or made some silly little mistakes would you leave me?” He asked her with an eye roll.

“No, of course not,” she answered immediately.

He smirked. “Kitten, m’not with you because of the things y’do for me. M’with you because y’are the sweetest, most adorable, beautiful soul ‘ve ever met and I’d rather die than hurt you. I will not have y’thinking you are anything less than perfect as you are,” he said knowingly. “And I promise, m’never going to make you feel like y’did with him.”

Harry hated mentioning your ex. It wasn’t that he was jealous. He had been there of course. But you were so good. So good to everyone you met, and he treated you as if you did nothing and you deserved it. “Okay,” she whispered.

“Good?” He asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded shyly and smirked sheepishly. “M’sorry.”

“S’okay...jus’...s’kinda rude y’haven’t said you love me back,” he shrugged and grinned at her impishly.

She shoved him gently against his chest but kept her legs around him. “You’re an idiot.”

“Well, still haven’t heard y’say it properly,” he said knowingly with a smile that melted all her organs inside her body.

“Harry Styles,” she said sweetly. He loved the sound of his name on her lips. It was like a lullaby. A whole song. A poem, a sonnet, a monologue. Her mouth made his name sound like the best honey made by the best bees. “I’m so desperately in love with you. It is a sin to any romance novel or movie to even try when I know I love you more than all of that.”

He grinned and leaned down to kiss her, pressing her back into the mattress and he kissed her so deeply she felt it tingle in her toes. “That’s what I thought, kitten,” he said softly against her mouth.

She giggled against his lips and kissed him back so he would know that she did love him just as much as he did. He was also grateful she hadn’t made it to his sock drawer yet in her cleanings. He didn’t know when he was going to propose, but the way she slept on the couch with the book falling from her fingertips earlier in the week, he all but melted to his knees. He was only vaguely aware that he was physically floating on his lunch break and found himself at the jewelers agonizing over which ring she deserved and guessing at her size. He was smitten. And he’d spend forever telling her such. He’d spend forever trying to do the chores she desperately wanted to do to prove to herself she deserved him. He meant every word he said to her. She could lay there for the rest of her life just looking beautiful and that would be enough for him.

“Kitten,” he hummed once he pulled from her lips. He stroked his finger over the side of her face, tracing over her delicate skin happy her sad tears were gone.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” she answered with a smile that melted every one of his organs.

“Kitten,” he said again. “M’gonna be your last boyfriend,” he promised.

She grinned. “Yeah?” Her cheeks warmed under his touch as he gazed at her longingly. Like she might disappear. He nodded simply and kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, and one sweet soft kiss on her lips.

“Definitely.”

[thelavendercatalogue]

The leg has always been their worry. . .the broken hip, busted knee, possible broken femur from his leg getting crushed in the car. Femurs are hard things to break. Their also the most at risk when they break due to potential issues that can occur with to all the major blood vessels and muscle networks and nerves and such. The leg had always been their worry, always been the main goal to save cause god forbid Lupin loose it and really have his life screwed up. . .Jigen can deal with rehabilitation, but he cannot deal with the outcome that may occur if Lupin looses the leg

Doctors are worried when infection sets in, but so much shit is wrong with the guy that it’s not surprising. . .what IS surprising is when the infection gets worse and suddenly Jigen is in a room surrounded by people in white suits all discussing the idea of the most dreaded word Jigen has ever heard in his life and as they try to convince him that maybe it would be more beneficial for the leg to go

As someone said, infection isn't something to mess around with. for his leg to be so badly mutilated to the point of his blood essentially poisoning him, a discussion of possibly amputating the limb must be had. Jigen prolly would fight as much as possible against the idea, imploring and even begging them to try every other possible route because he knows just how much Lupin needs both of his legs

like lupin is good at robotics

he could make a new leg

could deck it out and make it work as good as he can

but it's still the idea

not to mention the phantom pain would be nearly unbearable at times

So Jigen tries everything he can. While also keeping Lupin out of the loop But Lupins not stupid, the drugs keep him quiet, the drugs keep him calm, it makes him fuzzy and floaty, but it doesn’t make him deaf, it doesn’t make him not hear what’s going on in the background doesn’t make him not hear the hushed conversation between white coats about his condition when they think he’s asleep

Lupin knows somethings up, Lupin knows what that something is and what it entails, but he’s too tired to interject, to voice his opinion, the drugs keep him calm

But he’s always awake for Jigen, always forces himself, always fights the drugs just to talk to him, to encourage him, but any time Jigen shows up more, he looks sadder and sadder, more tired more stressed and Lupin feels guilty that he can’t do anything about it

Until one day, Lupin notices that Jigen showed up later then what he usually did, and that’s when Jigen tells him about the issue with his leg, he can’t say the dreaded sentence candidate for amputation but Lupin knows what’s coming because he’s already heard it, he just didn’t want Jigen to stress about it while he was here with him, but he's heard the doctors talk

he knows Jigen sits by him and Lupin notices that Jigens eyes are red and that he looks like he’s been crying and that’s when Jigen tearfully asks him what does he want him to do

Lupin…for once of his life. . .doesn’t know. He really doesn’t, he’s just tired, so tired

But not tired enough to turn one of his IV covered hands palm up to grab at Jigens hand and him doing that alone is enough to break Jigen cause in the end Lupin still trusts him to make the right decisions

no matter how heartbreaking

He just wishes, as Jigen cries into his neck, that Jigen didn’t have too But in the end

whatever choice they make- no matter how big or small- they'll make it together

no matter what

[kin-the-muffin]

haha soooo many things happening rn and i feel like i have so much time to do nothing like i used to but when i take a step back sure i have less but i still have a lot but then i remember that theres homework im already ignoring in my classes and new friends to know and be known by and old friends to either dump cuz theyre toxic and i never realized or try in vain to keep ahold of a slipping relationship and im in my senior year now hahahaaaaa

vent below

i auditioned for my school’s musical and i finally got a speaking part and im also technically a lead and that rly cool but it also means im going to have to stay at school for twelve hours almost every day until the second week of march when the play ends

im in my school’s honor choir and its a zero hour so i have to wake up at unheavenly times to get there and sing for two and a half hours

i get to be in a rly big state choir too and thats coming up in february and i havent looked at the music yet and i cant get the remind to work and all the emails are so long-winded and badly-formatted and confusing

and my english class is nearly full of students so thats fun and my school has zero, count em, Z E R O good senior english teachers but im pretty sure i have the better of two devils and i had her last semester so i know her and she knows me but i also know the kinda bs shes gonna throw at us and i just have to hope that she wasnt lying when she said that this semester would be easier because we’re not working on senior papers this time (mine was about mental health in schools not that anyone asked lolll)

i also have the same government teacher as last semester which is both a blessing and a curse because i know what to expect but like none of it is good and he makes us do these stupid unnecessary tiny group projects and why tf cant i just work alone i only know one person in the class and his lectures are so pointless and please just let me take all the tests and be done with this heaven-forsaken class already

then im in studio art which is basically the highest level art class at my school and you have to get permission from an art teacher to be in one of their hours then you work on one huge independent project the whole semester and my art teacher knows i draw on my ipad and said i could make a comic so now i have to figure out what its about then i can hopefully start the ball rolling from there but i have too many ideas and not enough at the same time and none of them are developed enough to make a 22-page, fully edited-and-colored comic

and my choir director is so incredibly passive aggressive but not really on purpose, he just knows he has a rbf and so he overcompensates to make himself more friendly but then when his patience runs thin he yells and i wanna cry and die and quit high school and cry some more

and im trying so hard not to stress over college because i know im gonna take a gap year so i can think about it then but two of my sisters have offered their homes to me and i love them both so much and ive been thinking about just getting an apartment and a roommate but i have to tell them that because one of them is going to renovate their basement with my potential living there in mind and then i end up stressing about college anyways like what major and what minor and what school and what even is my endgoal???? i dont know?!?!??!?!! i dont know what i want to do with my life, not specifically! my biggest dream rn is to be an mc streamer and thats just cuz im back in my mcyt phase and the old pipe dream from my childhood has returned but i know it cant actually work out btu the dreamer in me says it can but i know it realistically has like a .000002% chance of actually happening

and thats all i have the energy to say rn

sorry for the rant

sorry for not posting

ty and goodnight

[homeless-to-forbes-list]

Feeling really overwhelmed. Ive been crying non-stop this week whenever im alone and am struggling to hide tears in general. Im so tired and i just dont want to be around anyone (except my partner).

Its so hard to be calm when im not in the loop about anything going on, why do i feel the need to force out basic information of a situation im involved in. And so hard to get in contact with its so stressful. Its not hard to reply i know theyre active.

Every little thing atm, it all needs to go as planned, nearly every day sometging changes or a sudden social thing and im finding it really hard to cope with all the uncertainty

My anxiety is so bad rn.

I want to be asleep. My good sleeping patern has been ruined within the past week.

[abbyandhanako]

Drabble: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy*

——————————————————

15-year old Abby Kadozawa was looking at a young male grunt resting on an infirmary bed, he had been hooked up to IV drips and an oxygen mask, she saw the redness surrounding his eyes from crying aswell as a heart monitor.

He had finally fallen asleep, he was admitted for observation after he had a severe panic attack and collapsed a day prior, she looked at his tear streaked eyes.

Crying when he was trying to find his stolen Flareon and Glaceon, she looked at the two Pokémon resting next to him.

“Mark….” She said softly, she gently brushed a hand through his hair.

She closed her eyes, remembering the events leading up to this moment, Donna and Cletus taking the time when Mark was away to grab his Eeveelutions, Mark’s collapse, Alicia calling her to tell her that the twins were in the exact same release room she was stationed at and when Sages Giallo and Ghetsis asked them why they did it.

“Because they can devote themselves to liberating Pokémon all over Unova without those rare Pokémon that they shouldn’t have!”

Her eyes furrowed at their reasons for stealing and trying to release Mark’s Pokémon, the entire room was quiet, including the sages and N, Ghetsis was even witnessed walking out of the room and and grabbing his own hair and breathing in and out angrily.

Ghetsis did the exact same thing when the doctor that arrived here told him, N and the other sages that the stress caused broken heart syndrome or Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, and it could have killed Mark.

Abby gritted her teeth at that memory knowing that Donna and Cletus could have killed Mark and probably his two Pokémon due to them not being native to Unova and instead born in Korea.

“They’re not even sorry for what they did….” Abby said quietly to herself, making sure she didn’t wake Mark up.

Abby grasped the robe part of her Team Plasma uniform.

She remembered Mark’s mother, Eun-min coming into the castle earlier, she slapped both Donna and Cletus for what they have done to Mark when she found out what they had done nearly killed him.

She saw sages, grunts Mark was friends with such as Ryoku’s and Rood’s subordinates aswell as Bronius’ subordinates surprisingly visit him, he got apology letters, Eevee plushies and several others.

She even had visits from the Triad leaving fresh bedding, pajamas and other items needed.

Abby looked at Mark as he softly breathed in and out, the beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the infirmary.

“Abby.” She heard Annie, an older female grunt who used to be a Day-Care Lady alongside her husband, Gerald.

Abby looked at her.

“I know you’re anxious about Mark but it’s time for bed….” Annie said softly, she helped take Mark to the infirmary for observation and was there when the doctor said that Mark nearly died.

“I don’t want to leave him…” Abby said, “Not by himself…”

“I know, we all do.” Annie replied softly as she and Abby walked out.

A child grunt, Rosa aged only 8 was holding Foongy, her Foongus as she looked down sadly, she saw Mark was hooked up multiple machines including oxygen mask, a heart monitor and IVs.

She was disturbed and upset by what Donna and Cletus had done, especially them bragging about what they had done to her mom and her, and even calling Flareina, Glaceino and T.K’s Glameow “horrible creatures” as if they didn’t qualify as Pokémon.

“Rosa, you’re meant to be in bed.” She heard Annie.

“Sorry auntie…can we visit Mark?” Rosa asked.

“Of couse, when he’s better…” Annie replied

*Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy: The medical term for ‘broken heart syndrome’

[femmascthing]

sorry for another vent i need to get this one off my chest ( cw for ableism )

i really. feel bad for my family. 3/4 of the people in this house are disabled or very likely disabled. my brother is epileptic and cant work because of it, i experience chronic leg pain, chronic fatigue and an extremely weak immune system that makes me feel like im always sick, and my mom experiences pain in her right side of her body nearly all the time as well as having a weak immune system. it doesnt help that my grandmother is in the hospital and mom and i dont think we can visit her because my mom thinks shes sick and i always feel sick. it doesnt help that my anxiety is extremely high. my current therapist im seeing had me do an anxiety test. average score was ~25, i got in the 60s. my anxiety makes me hate going to school, making calls, hanging out with people, standing up for myself, etc. nobody will believe i am chronically ill. ive been told its just because im out of shape, but nobody ever thinks "why is she out of shape? why is she unable to exercise without feeling ill? why does she struggle to walk some days? why is she unable to go out in the cold without feeling sick?" nobody will ever believe me because im not visibly disabled. i dont need a wheelchair or cane most days but some days i surely feel like i do. nobody will ever take my mental disabilities seriously either. because my hormones and mood swings are high, i may not ever get a bpd diagnosis. i may never have my autism taken seriously because im on the "high functioning" side of the spectrum. i may never have my psychosis taken seriously because im "creative and imaginative." im so tired of everything at this point. im in highschool, my final years. thinking about this makes me want to cry. i want to be able to hang out with people, i want to be able to attend school regularly, i want to be able to understand concepts despite me being absent when they were taught. i hope that if i am able to attend university or college, i will be able to be taken seriously. but on the bright side, im medicated for at least anxiety/depression finally. its been helping a lot, which im very happy about. but if theres one thing i dont want a diagnosis for its my did. i dont want to experience constant fakeclaiming by others and especially professionals because im the main fronter unless we are experiencing high stress or a traumatic event. i dont want people to avoid me because of my disorders. but to everyone in my school, im the weird art kid who likes anime and fashion that has anxiety that everyone thinks im faking. its clear im not but honestly i dont fucking care if people think im faking my anxiety. its my issue, not theirs. they arent the ones who get so stressed out a huge rash appears on their skin and doesnt go away, its me.