#ive been in such a state. what can i say | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

luck-of-the-drawings · 7 months

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FOR A BEAT OF HEART, THE BREATH IS SHOT. AND WITHIN A BREATH, THE HEART IS CAUGHT. THE PIPES ARE BURSTING, UNDER GREAT STRESS, BOLTS TORN ASUNDER, MAKING A MESS. A FINAL COUGH, A FINAL RETCH, A GOREY SLOUGH, CLAIMED BY WRETCH.

#cw gore #jrwi riptide #jrwi riptide spoilers #chip jrwi #jrwi fanart #jrwi show #I LLOOOVE POETRYYY I LOVE MAKING WORDS RHYME IN STRANGE WAYS AND DESCRIBING VISCERA AND VIOLENCE OR WAHTEVER. YKNOW WHAT ELSE I LOVE #CHHHIIIIIIIBBOOOOO MY BEAUTIFUL MAAANN WWHAT. WHAT HAPPENED. OH MY GOD. IVE BEEN SAYING FOREVER. I NEEED CHIP TO GET SCARIER.#HE HAS THE POTENTIAL! I KNOW HE DOES! HAUNTED BOY WITH THE HAUNTED EYES WHAT TRAUMAS HAVE YOU SEEN? AND WERE THEY YOUR FAULT? THINK ABOUT I #EVERY FAMILY HAS CRUMBLED AROUND HIM. HIS BIRTH FAMILY CRUMBLED BEFORE HE KNEW IT. HIS SECOND FAMILY DROWNED. THIRD BURNED TO THE GROUND #AND SHALL THIS NEXT FAMILY JOIN THEM? CHIIIIP YOU UNFORTUNATE BOY YOU HAVE WITNESSED SO MUCH CALAMITY #YOU ARE CALAMITY BOYYY AHAHAHAHA DONT YOU SEEE!! ZOMBIFIED AND DEAD. TRUELY MORE HAUNTED THAN EVER BEFORE. THIS WILL BE FUN #THE FIRE HURTS WHEN IT BURNS TOO LONG. BUT NOW YOUR NERVES ARE DEAD AND YOUR MIND IS FREE. BURN THIS CORPSE AS YOU WISH TO GET WHAT YOU WAN #CHIP IS NOT THE FIRE HE IS THE MATCH. I LOVE THAT IDEA SO MUCH IM SO PROUD OF IT. OHHH AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE CORRUPTION #bizly mentioned that chip wants to be a good captain. in his most corrupted state however. he would be the BEST captain..#thAT DOESNT MEAn hes gonna just suddenly be all controlling. the BEST captain keeps his crew safe. keeps them together. keeps them alive.#and chip is doing just that! he doesnt need to stop being a good captain just bc of the corruption! he just needs to be the BEST CAPTAIN #AND THATS SUBJECTIVE BABY!! im so excited to see where chips zombie arc goes. neeeed him to get scarier and just a little more fucked up.#neEED HIM TO PERFORM ABHORANT ACTIONS THAT HAVE JAY N GILL GOING ' dude woah what the fuck...'#RIGHT I SHOULD TALK ABT MY ART TOO. this one took TOO LONGGGstarted out witha sketch how did it end up like this...#the heart and the blood KILLED ME. LOOK AT MY RENDERING LIKE HWAAATT #better not see any more mistakes after i post this.... i cant fight withit anymore....STILL RLY PROUD THO..#I WAnted to make it visually LOOK like the grossest vomiting sound possible #i want it to make your throat feel uncomfortable. am i achieving that? i hope i am. thats tubes dude!!! like cmahn!

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a-sketchy · 6 months

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akechi’s corpseisms are so enthralling to me

#he was already so corpsey. living entirely for the sake of a goal he didn’t intend to survive #and then BOOM third semester #buddyyyyyyyyy. my mannnnnnnnnn. girlieeeeeeee.#whether he’s literally or essentially or figuratively dead he’s soooooo corpsey. get buried already girl #such a fucking death-seeking corpseeeeeeeee.#this is what i like most abt akechi n akira’s relationship in my head #what i find really fun to explore with them #akira’s in like a half-constant state of grieving a guy standing right next to him #and he’s like ‘hey can you stop dying. for a minute. please. stop reminding me you’re dead. please stop saying you can’t be saved’#and akechi’s like ‘no fuck off’#i think it’s fun when neither of them particularly want to be in this situation #akira doesn’t want to care. cause itd be easier. but cause he does care he doesn’t want akechi to die #and akechi doesn’t want to be cared about. cause it makes dying harder #and so they’re stuck feeling like shit forever <3 #rambles #suicide ment #suicide mention #in the tags but yk #ough ive missed thinking about them #it’s been far too long for me to know if this is even glancingly in character but it’s at least interesting isn’t it?

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 10 months

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the desire to do comms vs my inability to remember that i got a message FIGHT-

#its like 'oh a message! i will respond later'#and then later never comes cause i have no damn object permanence Or working memory #then its like... what do i even say #'hi sorry i ghosted your simple question for two days i forgot you messaged me' AGH #or especially lately #i mean to do things and then i get a New piece of distressing information about the way my life is going #which then consumes my thoughts and leaves no room for anything else #ahaha thanks! ill claw my eyes out now!! wow!!! FUCK!#trying to keep up the things i enjoy is. so tough rn #but ill flounder w/o em so! hard work that i am mostly failing at but i Keep Trying #yes i wanna do comms. yes i wanna draw. yes i wanna talk to people. can i? mmmmm......#can't wait for this chapter in my life to be over. goddamn.#ive been in a perpetual state of intense stress since early childhood #but my fucking duck things lately have been taking the cake #absolutely unprompted #oh no this is turning into a vent post Look Away #well my mother called again last night and was all 'im getting you a car'#and uh. i started physically shaking while profusely thanking her (lying through me teeth)#GIRL!!! I DONT NEED A CAR THATS TOO MUCH RN!!!#she's always mentioning how the collective We are tight on money #and that rn i need to focus on making decisions and getting a job ill hold for like. a month #and then she slams this down outta left field??? thats so much extra stress i dont need right now???#now i gotta worry about parking and maintaining it and gas money i dont have And And And-#i cant exactly tell her Dont Fucking Do That bc then she'll blow up in my face and call me inconsiderate & ungrateful again #me and my stepdad dont have the fucking TIME to get one! and then she was like 'oh i can always come down to help'#please dont. do not do that. i cant deal with you in person right now that sounds hellish #anyway. case in point #cant even think about messages and stuff i Want to think about bc all this bullshit is taking up my entire mind #metaphorically slamming my face into a brick wall till theres nothing left. aaaghhahsbkjadadj #its too much its Too Much everything is so much and its too much and can i be let be for two fuckin seconds please

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 month

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#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper #thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times #like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she #was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled #a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where #you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what #then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have #and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my #leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but #i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying #my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound #by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting #better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that #and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do #what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated

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aquateenpatrolsomethingshowshow · 5 months

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a little sad that tomorrow is the new seasons finale

i hope they continue making it into the future tho since its such a fan fav/cult classic and they seem to being getting good reviews

i mean i cant speak for everyone but ive been really enjoying the new episodes and really dig the new animation which ive heard mixed reviews on that too

ik the limited animation is what made “aqua teen”, “aqua teen”, but this is a nice change i mean some like it; some dont and thats fine we dont ALL have to be satisfied with it

really truly hope this isnt the end tho 🙏🏻

#like ppl were psyched abt the new movie last year and the new season so i really dont know why they wouldnt keep making it #i mean matt and dave have stated MANY times they dont own the show so its really not up to them to whether or not they can keep going or no #they did a bunch of interviews before the new episodes came out saying ‘keep watching them over and over so we can make more’#ik they were joking but ive been rewatching them all not just so they can keep at it but bcuz i genuinely like the new eps #and it is a proven fact in the tv industry that views do matter sometimes in the terms of whether or not to keep going on with a show #i guess we really just have to wait and see what happens tho #and we still have tomorrows ep to base this on too #athf #aqua teen #aqua teen hunger force

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girlcrushau · 2 months

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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anotherpapercut · 8 months

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sometimes I feel like there's a narrative on here that like. people who work and live not with their parents in their 20s are somehow privileged and its really annoying as someone with 0 family and 0 built in support system lol

#this has nothing to do with the previous post i was just reminded of some unrelated posts I've seen #like i get what people mean but i really dont consider it a privilege to have to graduate at 16 and immediately start working to pay rent #causing a severe worsening of ny physical and mental state so that i can afford to eat #and i would just like to say for the record that id never judge someone for living with their parents because im so envious lmao #just like. of the idea of having parents that would take care of you. ive always been so fascinated by that #because my sister got married at 19 to get out of the house and then depended on her husband bc she also has trouble #working due to disability. were both physically and mentally disabled so we have that in common lol #and then she had to contend with becoming entirely dependent on a man who then had incredible power over her #and now theyre divorced and she has to try to figure out how to do all this stiff at 33 that our mother never taught us #and that ive figured out on my own over the past 7 years. and i just think damn i wish we had family lol #like maybe if we even had 1 relative who cared enough to like. check in with us even?? let alone help #thats always just seemed really incredible to me. and ill never really be able to wrap my head around it

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old-stoneface · 4 months

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(coughing up blood) im yearning again. having desires

#i used to be like . no. i am not a longing yearner anymore. but i can deny my nature #especially since i live in a different state than my boyfriend 🥺#also what am i saying.....ive never been able to stop yearning...i wrote a love poem earlier this year .#sam.txt

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angelsaxis · 2 years

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idk like sex workers trans people indigenous americans and Black radicals (or even just the average Black politically-aware person) have been warning about this wave of white supremacist legislative violence for years. if you can understand that serial killers get away with their deeds by attacking the least popular members of society--the marginalized--before "move up" to targets like white women, then you can understand that for years members of congress have been attacking sex workers, trans people's rights, indigenous people, and Black people in sometimes subtle but other times not subtle ways. but because sex workers, native americans, Black people, and trans people are so unpopular--and god forbid if anyone is all of these at once--many many many white liberals especially, regardless of their other social classes, were fine with ignoring the signs that crept up on them. they want order more than they want justice. i won't lie and act like there wasn't a time where I thought things would stay permanently good after 2015's obergefell ruling, but me being 15 and hopeful is leagues away from liberals now acting shocked that the loaded gun aimed at their head was actually fired.

#angel posts #idk im just finkin fots i guess #ive seen that SWers consider themselves the canaries in the mine #ive seen trans people trying to raise awareness about the absolute slew of anti-trans bills so many states are trying to pass #with little attention paid to either #people already dont listen to Black ppl or natives like our politics makes yall white libs esp v uncomfortable #and what natives say about adoption is true but again white liberals hate that that can apply to them #what Black ppl have been saying for years was largely ignored and now. now there's so many white libs and leftists and the like #who cannot fathom this scotus decision #no the SERIES of scotus decisions #like. idk what you want me to say the lever was pulled the trolley was bound to run over someone #just because you did it blindfolded doesn't mean it wasn't barelling down the tracks

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d0d0-b0i · 1 year

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always get so pleasantly surprised when people really like my stuff i post :) love you all. whether you celebrate something or not around this time i wish you all the best <3

#i always first and foremost post for me if not otherwise stated on the post itself #and that is what i always have done and aspire to continue. but #it makes me happy to see so many likeminded people around me #sorry. i am getting sappy and emotional; today has been draining for reasons i do not know #i am very tired and it is late for me so i will try sleeping soon #i am glad to have found such a nice and large fandom in sonic. it has allowed me to try and be more approachable and friendly while still #being myself at my core interactions. this year has been strange and new and exciting so i figured i might as well try #and make some more friends. which i have; i am happy to say :’) i have always had a hard time socializing. and to find people willing #to understand the things i say even though it’s worded weirdly #and i’m happy so many can enjoy the art i post <3 it means a lot to me #especially when i feel as if i don’t do enough. i like many others have some. issues regarding worth and content but i am trying my best #and. am getting better at it 👍 i think i might be getting sick ergo the sappiness and long tags #but i don’t regret the things i say. i love you all followers mutual ppl i follow #there is so much space in my heart and i am not afraid to admit that i get attached easily and do not know where friendships begin.#but i. am willing to try and find out! if the gods are willing; hopefully a good new year for us all next week! and more commmunity and love #i hope you understand what i am trying to convey. ive been scared of being this open but if i am not then i will never know living #and loving <3 will still be posting obvs i am simply joyous rn! gonna sleep now :3

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brechtian · 2 years

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so so funny I went to read the handbook on narcissism and npd in an effort to learn more about the disorder & it’s complexities from specialists and what I learned instead is that NOBODY CAN AGREE on what it means AT ALL or anything else about it!!!!!

#rant in tags but an interesting one if u like psychology #don’t get me wrong the handbook IS from 2011 so it’s been over a decade but also it’s still considered like the primary text on npd and I #get the feeling the same debates are probably still going on #like I wish u all could understand. basically the only thing anyone seems to agree on is that the dsm IV (and considering the criteria for #diagnosis changed almost not at all between IV and V I imagine this still holds true)#is a BAD tool for diagnosing it. like the categorical model of diagnosis just doesn’t work well for personality disorders #plus the actual criteria listed for npd and many other pds in the dsm just straight up are not well grounded in actual scientific research #abt the disorders #and that’s what they agree on. as for the rest #NOBODY agrees on what inventories or models are effective & accurate NOBODY agrees on what the actual symptoms are beyond self #aggrandizement there’s a huge debate over whether there are subtypes of npd and if so what are they #and of those who DO believe in subtypes the most popular theory is grandiose vs vulnerable but THEN there’s a whole debate about THEM #bc some psychologists consider them two separate manifestations while others say that ppl with npd vacillate between the two states #and nobody can conclusively link self esteem with npd in any meaningful way other than that diagnosed ppl usually have higher surface level #self esteem but the whole concept of whether the narcisstic persona is a defense mechanism or just a delusion nobody can agree on or prove #and if ur wondering where the line is drawn between trait narcissism and npd ? buddy I’ve got bad news for you NOBODY KNOWS #like trait narcissism and npd are categorically two different things but the practical reality of someone with high trait narcissism vs npd #is just like. shrugs #and also high trait narcissism usually means scored high on the npi but hey guess what the npi has been HUGELY criticized and nobody can al #agree on how accurate it is!!#I could go on forever but u get the idea like. if you asked three different specialists in npd how they would define the disorder you would #VERY LIKELY get three completely different answers #and now. if ur sitting there wondering #hey wait a minute #but if the DSM V the official guideline for psychiatric evaluation infamously are not a good framework to diagnose pds or npd #AND if all other sources and experts have conflicting opinions #then WHAT is this disorder and HOW is it consistently diagnosed #AND IM WONDERING THE SAME DAMN THING!!!

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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months

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...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated

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forfuckssakejim · 5 months

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they really do be using the transporter on random shit and bringing it in without any kind of percussions. like damn, no wonder shits always going down. y'all have no regulations and just beam anything god damn.

#like ive been just #“y'all shouldn't do that without a decon setup? damn.”#put me in a star trek episode just to state dumb shit like that outloud #and then when the captain and the bridge crew are like “yeah haha okay”#and they can look at me with shock and surprise when what i say is true #its like being at work and hearing something and going “oh hey that sounds like sepsis” and the person next to me is like “haha okay”#only for us to get lab reports the next day and lo and behold its fucking sepsis #anyways #uh #what was i doing #oh yeah #jim has bad ideas #jim rewatches star trek #enterprise #ent

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rxtgallows · 6 months

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being the same age as most long term lolitas were when they started getting into it but its different now bc there is just so much less of a community it feels like... like for me i feel more like i am finding a lot of individuals but no local communities bc its just rlly died down i think... like i found a 2013 pph article about a lolita meetup downtown. i dont think that wld happen now even if i COULD find a local community

#i think if theres not a lolita tea party/panel this year at pcm i will host one next year...#by then ill have been actively in the subculture for like a year and ill know a little more.. rn im JUST starting out i wld have no clue #what to do... but like i have ideas for stuff that wld be soo fun and ive always wanted to host/participate in an event or panel #once i was picked to participate in the fandom state alchemist test or w/e its called but then they wldnt let me after they saw my boot #which was so fail bc i absolutely cld have done tthe challenges with a broken foot. BLAH anyway #or like i hope they try the jfashion show again UGH probably not since it had to be cancelled due to lack of participation...#i jst would looove to have lolita friends in the area... idk how successful i wld be at converting someone and my sibling doesnt count #or ONE lolita friend... i only know of one lolita in maine and shes pretty well known in the NA lolita community from what i can tell so #ive met her a couple times actually she is very nice. idk what i am trying to say tbh #im more open to making friends at pcm in a lolita context and not a cosplay context bc every cosplayer ive interacted with for more than a #passing comment or picture turned out to be like umm a freak #or one of my moms students <- student who made all the dresses for the haunted town tour cosplaying kanaya that one year and then me showin #my mom the meetup pictures and her going omg.... thats d///////#she was a really really incredibly seamstress btw her costumes were beautiful. anyway. iconic.#i think probably i havent talked to anyone in a while and it is wearing me down i have to make these massive posts every day

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yuridovewing · 7 months

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Nightheart razorverse tweak: he’s a BrambleJessie grandkid and now his arc is about being one of the only members of the Thunderstar Dynasty left in the clan (Sparkfire, Alderheart, and Finchlight being the others).

When I get to ASC and see his arc for myself I’ll decide how he actually copes from there

#the dynasty has been kinda screwed up since tigerstar happened but i dont want nights arc to just be #‘’oh hes tigerstars kin :( how will he cope’’ again #maybe hes liiiike. frustrated with the current state of the dynasty?#mayyybe. from what ive seen of asc… i can make asc about the founders and the modern clans?#cause frostpaw goes to riverstars former home i think and now nightheart is connected to thunderstar #i can probably tie sunbeam to shadowstar somehow… but idk how exactly id do that yet #i think what ill have berryheart do is say that shadowclan has become weak because its the least xenophobic clan #and she thinks its how darktail ruined everything (both by being a rogue and bc hes blackstars bastard son)#and unlike canon i probablyyy wont have her like goldenstar or dovewing either. theyre both halfclan and had a halfclan relationship #and their son is now the scapegoat for the imposter fiasco #she could just be a hypocrite when it comes to them like ‘’well i like them so they dont count’’ but we’ll see #razorverse

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toastsnaffler · 8 months

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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever #and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved #and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad #like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause #unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided #to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also #but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee #i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested #man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading #and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier #and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago #and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man #u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever #insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc #ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone #gn #.vent

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