#ive been managing to line 2 pages/week for a while

[moodr1ng]

managed to catch a cold or something so i feel like absolute shit and i cant bring myself to finish my comic page for the day 😔

[clutchpowers]

Sooooo... i wanted to stick this little rambly thing at the bottom of the redraw but it would have made it look UGLY so im doing this separately... just wanna talk about the whole thing and What Not.

TLDR: its been a slash positive ride thats been worth it to try "something new" every year and my favorite piece out of all of them is the 9th. also for the curious heres the comparison of the 5th anni piece to the recent one (2018 -> 2023)

anyway. personal post time.

oh where to begin *rocks on my rocking chair* i guess it would be with the 5th anniversary piece...at the time it had been a long while since i did lineless art and i thought it would be cool to try it again for that one so i did by redrawing an old piece from 2014... that was the first "finished piece" i made of Them. i think i even made it into a wallpaper for myself lmao. anyway after i posted it i was like "aw man i should draw something every year until the 10th" but i thought yeah right. im going to forget next year like the idiot i am. but i Some How managed to do one every year... th worms got me... i honestly didnt think id make it all the way to the 10th but i did!! AND WITHOUT MISSING A DAY EXCEPT FOR THE 7TH WHERE I WAS A WEEK LATE???? UNREAL especially when fun fact! every year i had no idea what i wanted to do! all i knew for sure is that i wanted each piece to be out of my comfot zone to push me to do something a little different. unfortunately the subjects tm where always the same so it feels a little. samey. but these are my celebratory posts I GET TO ONLY POST ABOUT THE OTP SUPER BLORBOS OF ALL TIME

the 6th anniversary was a redraw of that one scene. you know the one. the helicopter one. fucking hate that scene btw it actually causes me psychic damage i cant watch with the audio or ill scream. but it is my favorite scene of mine despite all the horrors it causes <3 and i wanted to redraw it as if it was a cartoon... like i had taken screencaps from the lcu cartoon in my head. i still remember the backgrounds being such a pain in the ass. honestly id like to go back and redo this one one day too or do something similar to the concept because its a fun one that i always saw done growing up and i wanted to try it myself.

for the 7th anniversary you can see the turn.. no more humans... return to lego... i was getting a little more confident in drawing them in the lego form so i did another redraw this time with the ending!! honestly i still like this one and how it looks even with how late it was but i wanted to test my confidence and do a real True and Finished piece with COLORED LINES and EVERYTHING!!!!! im glad i ended up taking the turn because for the LONGEST TIME i wanted to try and draw them as lego so bad because all i did was draw them as humans and its funny because now its the exact opposite. glad this piece was kinda the solidification in my head that yeah okay im a bit better at drawing the stylized lego toy now i can keep drawing them like this without feeling like im going to want to delete this in 2 weeks.

the 8th anniversary one is so weird. somewhere toward the beginning of the year it got into my head that i wanted to do a comic of them but time/school would have gotten in the way so i ended up opting for a page. another redraw of the ending scene which honestly out of all of them this is my least favorite one and its solely because its all so off. i def could have formated it better so the background shot doesnt take up the entire fucking page but then again im not a comic guy and this was my first time so the layout was bound to look HORRID but this is something id like to come back to ive had the idea of making like a genuine short comic about them since FOREVER and now that im a bit more experienced (lying) i would like to make one day!!!! just gotta stop getting caught up in my scripts!! and going in circles!! Because im obviously not a writer and i keep getting first-hand embarrassment from these!! but ill get over it one day lol.

OH THE 9TH ANNIVERSARY PIECE MY BELOVED. ONE OF MY FAVORITE PIECES ACTUALLY i love this stupid thing so much you have no idea.i know its re-using lineless but i just loved the idea of what it would look like lineless AND IT CAME OUT SO PERFECT I LOVE IT SO MUCH obv it needs a few touch-ups so the main issues dont stand out to me but god. i love this piece so much. idk what came out of me to make this but its so good ill never get over it. and the little lego them as a cake topper ITS JUST SO CUTE I DONT HAVE MUCH TO SAY OTHER THAN I LOVE THIS SO MUCH SORRY

finally. the 10th anniversary piece. oh my god. okay. i need everyone to understand this. i had woken up with this fucking Unbearable pounding headache that was trying to kill me. my body the entire day wanted me to stop and lie down, but last night i was already done with a good chunk of it and all i had to do that day was finish some lines and the coloring?? i literally don't remember all i remember is my body actively trying to shut down and force me to stop and sleep which i took a nap? didnt help. so i said fuck it im finishing this. i was. an entire goddamn corpse arched over my laptop. i was so delirious the entire time its a fucking miracle it even came out as good as it did but honestly. i still hate how it fucking looks. like you can TELL when i gave up (the shading) and it sticks out like a sore fucking thumb to me and it pisses me off because i knew i could have done so much better if i wasnt being stricken down by gods hand and his every attempt to get me to rest. idk like im generally proud ot it, with this one i wanted to go out with a bang tm so i tried to draw every important and relevant character instead of ALL of them like I was originally planning LMAO but ah well. maybe one day when im faster at drawing. this one i defiantly wanna go back and touch up but i everytime i open the file i can see 40 more things wrong with it and it drives me nuts. so ill just have to wait for when im ready. i guess.

can i just say though. the improvement is crazy. it always catches me off guard because tbh i uh. dont like my own art. im getting better at not fucking hating it because i can pinpoint everything wrong with it but whenever i see the side by sides it always surprises me. i always dont think im improving but then i see it and its like wow i really am getting better! i still suck at 3000 things but im getting better! and its overall just a nice thing to see after having drawn them for as long as i have... the power of the worms is strong and has ruined my brain...... speaking of i know ive said a few times that i fucking hate certain pieces, not just LCU related ones but almost anything i post, but if you love them and are able to look at them with a twinkle in your eye then thank you. genuinely. i honestly love looking over the tags of people exploding and saying nice things. it warms my cold little heart and im glad there are people out there that genuinely love some of the things what i do! even if its just fanart and its just their blorbo. thank you for sticking around even tho all i do is draw my otp super blorbos :'^) this game means the world to me and im glad like more than 2 people wanna spread it around.

to wrap back around to the anniversary stuff and speaking of big love to the people out there THE FREAKING EPIC ZINE i was just a small thing but it came out amazing even for how small it was thank you to the contributors and thank you to everyone whos downloaded it!! its still getting the occasional and i love getting the notif in my email about it. i love that there are still people out there who wanna see it and all the hard work everyone put into it to celebrate the games 10th just thank you again i really does mean alot to me ALSO IF YOU HAVENT CHECKED IT OUT PLEASE DO IT IS 100% WORK YOUR TIME AND ITS DIGITAL WITH PRINT AT HOME STICKERS AND YOU CAN KEEP IT AND LOOK AT IT FOREVER

uh to end this off....would I like to do this again..... I mean I kinda am? by that i mean ill do the big numbers (15, 20, 25, 30, 40, etc) till the day i freaking die!!!! but yeah no countdown stuff ever again!!!!! sorry :^( it was super fun to do though!!!! and im glad i did it that piece is the conclusion to the whole thing but that doesnt mean ill stop drawing them. duh. theyre my characters now! but heres to many more anniversaries and to hopefully another game! or to just see them again in any other lego media! or even better... a mischaracterized cameo in ninjago!

[heauxplesslydevoted]

Then & Now (Ethan x MC)

Summary: A particularly difficult case forces Ethan to confront a blast from his past

A/N: This popped into my head and I had too much fun writing it. I will loosely incorporate some of the themes from book 3 and make them better, but this is mostly an AU.

A/N 2: Yes I’m writing another multipart fic while actively ignoring my others. The muses spoke and I had no choice in the matter. Enjoy!

~v~

“Would you like some more coffee, Dr. Ramsey?”

Whatever line he was reading in his textbook blurs as does his vision. Ethan looks up at the face of the newest member of the team, a young resident, Isabelle. He takes the cup, not missing the way her eyes light up as he does so. What is it with residents and their incessant need to kiss-ass and be people pleasers?

“Thank you, Dr. Proctor.”

“Of course! I figured we’d need all the caffeine we could get our hands on with this case.”

Ethan doesn’t respond with words, only offering the young woman a hum in acknowledgement. Instead his eyes land on his coworker, Harper Emery. “Harper, has your team been able to come up with anything new?”

“Nothing,” Harper replies with a resigned sigh.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“I’ve run as many tests, MRIs and CT scans as I could, and none of them came back with anything conclusive. We’re officially back to square one.”

Ethan hasn’t been this stumped in years. A week ago, a patient came to Edenbrook after waking up without being able to feel anything from the waist down. A young, relatively healthy 25 year old with no extraordinary medical history, no recent reports of any TBI, nothing. He assumed with Harper–one of the nation’s greatest neurosurgeons–on the case, that this would be a simple fix.

As painful as it is to admit, he’s wrong.

They’ve gotten nowhere with the case, they’ve made no progress, and to make matters worse, he has Leland Bloom and the board breathing down his neck because it’s been years since the team has spent more than a week on a case, so a week with no news reflects poorly on them—on him, as the team’s leader specifically.

The last member of the team, Tobias, clears his throat. “Did he ever mention getting into a fight? Maybe he took a hit to the head, and just doesn’t want to admit it?”

“Maybe, but like I said, none of the CT scans or MRIs showed me anything out of the norm,” Harper says. “I can always ask him again.”

“That’d be ideal–”

Ethan’s sentence is cut off as the door to their office is thrown open, and in walks Leland. “Hello, team!”

The most senior members of the team stay silent, but Isabelle gives a slight wave. “Hello, Mr. Bloom.”

“Dr. Proctor,” Leland greets in turn. “Nice to know at least one of you has manners.”

Ethan checks the time on his watch. “What are you doing here, Bloom?”

“Last time I checked, I owned this entire building and I didn’t need to ask your permission to be here.”

“We’re nearing midnight,” Ethan adds. “What are you still doing here, and not at home? I’m sure Mrs. Bloom would enjoy seeing you.”

Leland ignores the mention of his wife Caroline, pretending like she wasn’t mentioned at all. “I just stopped by your patient’s room to see how he was doing. And then I decided to drop by to check in with you guys. Are there any updates on the Miller case?”

“I’m not discussing patient information with you,” Ethan says.

“Well, I am your boss.”

“And until you go to medical school, graduate, become a doctor at this hospital, and join in on this case, I don’t have to tell you anything. You may own this hospital, but I do not have to discuss my patients with you.”

“Okay, so you guys have no new information,” Leland concludes.

Ethan pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance, this conversation giving him a headache even though it just started. “We were actually in the middle of a brainstorming session before we were interrupted, so if we could have some privacy again, that would be much appreciated.”

Ethan’s tone causes Leland to drop the veneer of kindness, the smile dropping from his face only for a second before he catches it. He looks away and sniffs haughtily. “Fine. I’ll check in with the patient tomorrow for a status update, since it’s clear I won’t be getting it from my employees. Thankfully, his father and I go way back.”

“I can’t stop the patient from divulging his own information.”

Leland glances around the room one more time, his gaze lingering on Ethan a bit longer than it does on the other occupants. “Goodnight, doctors.”

Once Leland leaves, Harper turns towards Ethan. “You act like it would literally kill you to be nice to him.”

“Be nice for what? Bloom thinks we owe him undying loyalty and infinite ass kissing because he bought the hospital. He’s pulled a lot of nonsense since moving into this position, but he’s not worth breaking any laws over. My patients deserve their privacy.”

“And I agree, but the extra hostility isn’t needed. The last thing we need is World War 3 with you and Bloom tearing down the hospital. Just be nice.”

“Okay, are we getting back to work or calling it a night?”

The rest of the team glances around each other. Pulling an all-nighter with Ethan while he’s in a foul mood sounds like a nightmare.

“We’re calling it a night.”

~v~

Ethan ends up falling asleep in the office, finally dozing off around 5 o'clock in the morning, surrounded by a mountain of books and the harsh light of his computer screen. The sleep is short lived though as the sound of his pager wakes him up.

He jumps up with a start, and checks the time on his watch before checking his pager. He only managed to get two hours of sleep, but he can’t dwell on that. The page is a 911 alert to his patient’s room.

“Shit!”

He takes off to the 4th floor where his patient is housed, thankful that the early morning hour means the hospital is not yet flooded with people.

Isabelle, Harper, and a nurse are already in the room when Ethan finally makes it. “What’s going on?”

“He had a seizure,” Harper explains.

“How long did it last?”

“Around 50 seconds. We administered lorazepam into his IV.”

“Could this be a new symptom?” Valencia asks. “Or something else entirely?”

Harper shrugs. “I don’t know, but I’m going to take him down to radiology for another CT scan. Hopefully this next one can actually yield some results.”

Ethan nods. “That sounds like a plan. In the meantime, Dr. Proctor, add seizures onto the list of symptoms to broaden our search criteria. Maybe that’ll help.”

“Gotcha.”

“We’ll reconvene when Tobias comes in and once we get the new CT scans back.”

There’s a knock at the door and Ethan bristles when Leland’s loud voice calls out to him. “Dr. Ramsey, can I speak to you out in the hallway?”

“With all due respect, I’d rather not.”

“It wasn’t a request, doctor. Hallway, now.”

Ethan shoots Harper a look, and she gives him a quick sympathy smile before he and Leland step out into the hallway.

They move a few feet away from the patient’s door, out of earshot before Leland lays into Ethan. “How in the hell is the patient actually managing to get worse under your care?”

The question actually takes Ethan aback. “You can’t possibly be saying his condition is my fault?”

“I’m saying he’s been here for a week now, and he’s no better off than where he was. You don’t have any information to give him or his family. Do you know how many phone calls my assistant has had to field because they want to get him transferred to a different facility?”

“We are giving him the best care possible, Leland. Just because you and his father belong to the same country club or whatever, does not mean there’ll be some instant diagnosis or treatment that he can buy...or steal. We need to do our due diligence.”

Leland is smart enough to know when a dig is being lobbed in his direction. His eyes narrow. “What are you trying to say, Ethan?”

“Exactly what I just did. Besides, why do you have such a vested interest in my team and what we do? I’m sure you have other businesses and people to micromanage these days.”

“You guys don’t make me any money yet remain my biggest cost. The least you can do is be efficient and answer my questions when I ask.”

“And like I told you last night, I know you own this place. You never let me forget it. But you buying this hospital does not mean I am here at your beck and call, now does it mean I have to be governed under anything that isn’t set forth by the American Medical Association. Now, me team is the best this hospital and this city have to offer, so back up and let us do our jobs.”

“You guys are the best?” Leland chuckles humorlessly. “Act like it. Or I’ll find someone else who can.”

The threat causes Ethan to pause. “What does that mean?”

“You heard me loud and clear, Dr. Ramsey. Loud and clear.”

~v~

“You idiot! Why on earth would you get into a fight with Bloom in the middle of a hallway?”

Ethan doesn’t try to school his bored expression as Tobias paces the entire length of the office, huffing and puffing as he does so.

“I didn’t get into a fight with him,” Ethan amends. “It was an exchange of words.”

“A loud exchange of words,” Harper adds. “In front of our patient’s room, might I add.”

“I had plans for this day to be productive, but the minute that man opens his mouth, I just–”

“We get it, you don’t like him,” Tobias interjects.

“Disliking Leland is an understatement.”

Isabelle stays silent, unable to find a good place to cut in, despite having questions. Ethan’s dislike of Leland Bloom is the hospital’s worst kept secret, but the contention has always been passive aggressive at best. And as a second year resident, she doesn’t have any background knowledge on why the relationship is the way that it is.

“I don’t like him either, but you don’t see me needling him in front of the nurse’s station!”

“Sure Leland is...obnoxious at times, but I don’t understand any of it,” Isabelle says, finally speaking up. Ethan looks at her as if he’s just now remembering that she’s been in the room the entire time. “What happened that caused this much animosity?”

Leland’s kidney disease wasn’t a major secret. Most medical personnel that worked at Edenbrook and the larger Boston area remember the huge media blitz, and all of the pomp and circumstance surrounding his hospitalization early last year. And the official story is Leland got a kidney from a family member who wished to keep their identity a secret from the public, and everyone ate it up.

Only a handful of people know the truth. That a few well placed phone calls and dollars exchanged got Leland to the top of the donor list within a day, stealing a second chance from the true person at the top of the list: a 14 year old girl.

“So long as there is breath in my body, Leland Bloom and his ilk will never get an ounce of respect from me, and I’ll just leave it at that,” Ethan says cooly. “And that’s all you need to know, Dr. Proctor.”

“Okay.”

“I’m just saying man, Bloom is petty,” Tobias adds. “Men like him, who think the rest of us should bow at their feet, don’t take kindly to getting told off, especially in public. Underneath the billions is a tiny ass, fragile ego. Can you just keep a low profile and be quiet for the next day or two, so Bloom doesn’t dismantle this team?”

“I’ll be as cordial as Bloom is,” is what Ethan settles upon. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

The only thing that can rival Ethan’s intelligence is his stubbornness. Tobias knows it’s the best he’s going to get out of Ethan, so he relents. “Okay.”

“Good. Now can we get back to work and stop talking about Bloom?”

His team nods and Ethan sighs in relief.. They still have a chance to turn things around and actually have a good day.

They fall into a productive routine, tossing around different theories, sharing research and narrowing down ideas. Too bad that only lasts for about half an hour before there’s a knock at the office door. A few seconds later, Naveen pokes his head in.

Ethan smiles because part of him was expecting Leland to show up again. “Naveen, this is a nice surprise! Don’t tell me you’re ready to get back in the saddle.”

Naveen laughs good-naturedly at his mentee. “Not quite.”

“Well what brings you down here?”

“I wanted to talk to you for a second, Ethan,” Naveen says.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes. It’s not about me, it’s work related. Team related news, that I wanted to tell you personally,” Naveen explains, fully entering the office. “Is there any way I could steal you for a few minutes?”

“If it involves the team, I think we can have the conversation here. Is this about my...spirited discussion with Leland?”

“No, it’s about the case you’re working on.”

“Now I know we don’t usually work on cases for this long, and we’re working on it.”

“I know. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Leland has some concerns about how long it’s taking you guys to treat this patient, and he told me that he wants to outsource some extra help to speed things along.”

“No thank you.”

“He’s already made phone calls. I’m just here to give you a heads up about who he picked.”

“A heads up?” Ethan scoffs and rolls his eyes. Who on earth could Leland think of reaching out to that Ethan would need a warning about? “Who is he asking for? Mendoza from MK? Catherine Morgan from Stanford? The Boogeyman?”

“I don’t think I’ve reached Boogeyman levels of infamy. Well, at least not yet.”

The voice makes the hair on the back of Ethan’s neck stand up. It’s a voice he hasn’t heard in close to three years, one that he thought he’d never hear again.

His eyes snap up, locking with the large brown ones staring back at him, and all of the breath leaves his lungs at once. The last time he looked into these eyes, they weren’t full of humor like they are now, but pure fire. His chest constricts, inhaling suddenly the most difficult task in the world.

The entire room goes silent, everyone watching as Ethan and the woman stay locked in their staring contest. Isabelle’s eyes dart back and forth, hoping someone can clue her into what’s going on, but Naveen, Harper and Tobias offer zero assistance.

Isabelle takes the quiet time to appraise the stranger. She’s petite, almost a foot shorter than Ethan even with her sky high Jimmy Choos on. The second thing that catches her attention is the mess of dark curly hair spilling over her shoulders, and the amused smirk on her face, like a cat that got the canary.

The woman breaks eye contact with Ethan to look past his shoulder. “Harper, Tobias, hello. Long time no see.”

When he regains the ability to speak, Ethan grits out, “Naomi, what on earth are you doing here?”

“I got an interesting call from Leland Bloom this morning, saying that the diagnostics team was in dire need of some assistance on a particularly difficult case. Within the hour, his private helicopter was picking me up.”

Ethan takes a sterling’s breath and silently counts to 3 before talking again. “I’m not working with you.”

“You don’t have a choice. Not unless you quit.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

Naomi rolls her eyes. “Drama was never a good look on you, darling, I was always better suited for it.” She turns her attention to the young resident gawking at her, turning on her megawatt smile. “You’re new. I don’t know you.”

“Um, n-no you don't. I’m Dr. Isabelle Proctor.”

“Isabelle,” Naomi repeats slowly, letting it roll off of her tongue. “What a pretty name.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m Dr. Naomi Ramsey.”

The last name catches her attention. Her eyes flicker over to Ethan’s face, catching the way his jaw ticks as female Dr. Ramsey talks.

“I can see the wheels turning in your head as I talk, so I’ll clear things up for you right quick,” Naomi continues. “No, the last name thing isn’t a coincidence. I’m Ethan’s ex-wife." She sticks out a hand for Isabelle to shake. "Nice to meet you.”

~v~

Tags: @openheartfanfics @mvalentine @choicesaddict5 @professorkingslay @maurine07 @aka-calliope @bluebellot @whimsicallywayward15 @blossomanarchy @takemyopenheart @jamespotterthefirst @fanmantrashcan @whatchique @ao719 @x-kyne-x @paulfwesley @the-pale-goddess @writinghereandthere @ramseyandrys @perriewinklenerdie @aworldoffandoms @thatcatlady0716 @drakewalker04 @canknot @hatescapsicum @lapisreviewsstuff @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ethandaddyramseyx @chasingrobbie @zodiacsign1 @choices-lurker @my-heart-beats-for-ya @adrian-motherfucking-raines @riverrune @edith-eggs1 @cecilecontrera @thatysn @bellcat2010 @blainehellyes @junehiratas @choices-love-affair @openheart12 @desmaranj @nazario-sayeed @aestheticartsx @ruinedbypixels @nooruleman @rookie-ramsey @uneravine @choicest

[ad1thi]

underrated stevetony fics rec list (P1)

i feel like a lot of really good stevetony fics get swept under the rug because this is such a big fandom and sometimes people miss out on quality content?? so this is a rec list of some of the stevetony fics i feel like everybody should have read/ be reading

Edit (31.12.2020): this got very long (i had almost 50 fics on my list, so ive decided to split this list into two parts. part 2 will be out soon!!)

Edit (20.02.2021): part 2 is out now!!

//

picture me in the trees: @ifmywishescametrue

Tony and Steve were childhood friends that almost became more, but Tony moved and they lost their chance. Thirteen years later, a chance meeting brings Tony back into Steve's life.

Free: @iwanttopizzamanyou

"Steve reads, and the words dance in front of his eyes, because while this used to be his dream, what he wanted, all he can think about is how this Hell will soon become his full time life."

Steve discovers fame, with fans waiting for him in the lobby and girls passing him their numbers after the shows. It used to be what he wanted, he supposes. Except his future managers keep asking more and more from him, and he's not sure his old life will survive. Tony is ready to help, and compromise, but Steve maybe isn't anymore.

making it work: @/ironarm 

“Just tell him you don’t want to see him anymore,” Clint replies, finishing the end of his burger and starting to crumple up the wrapper, “It’s not like you love him or anything.”

“Clint, if I thought I could get rid of him about a week ago, I would have. But for some fucked up reason, I can’t lie to him. It’s like, I see those baby blue eyes, and bam. Whatever barrier that I built up from childhood trauma is gone.”

Clint chokes on the last piece of his burger, almost resisting the urge to smack Tony on the side of his head.

Tony was a fucking idiot.

Boys Like Us: @naferty

The video had been a mistake. One of the biggest mistakes he had ever done in his life, and considering Tony Stark had done a bunch of shit in his younger years, and even older years, that was saying something.

It was just that none of those things were as embarrassing as that video.

He blamed Clint for everything

Stained Fingertips: @thesoundofnat

“I don’t really believe in magic,” he said, clearing his throat. “But I’m almost certain you’re a goddamn wizard, Steve Rogers.”

Steve would remember those words for the rest of his life.

(Or, Steve is maybe slightly obsessed with drawing Tony. Not that Tony minds.)

Inhale, Ex-Sail: @summerpipedream

"Rich pirates decked out in top-of-the-line black market gear,” grumbled Tony, ”why don’t I have the budget to make those again?’

Rhodey inched back so that he and Tony were back-to-back. “We’re apparently law abiding citizens now, which means having to pay taxes.”

Tony scowled. “Urg, right. Remind me why I wanted to do that again?”

Rhodey rolled his eyes. “What was it you called him last time? Your sweet tart? Your apple pie in the sky? The wind beneath your wings? Hopefully he’ll fly here fast enough so we don’t get killed. Or worse, mugged.”

Tony Stark Bingo K1 - AU: Steampunk

As Constant As A Star: @atsadi

The Swan Princess AU

As young children, Prince Anthony and Princess Natasha of neighboring Midgardian kingdoms are betrothed, and spend their summers together every year until they are wed. Tony adores his headstrong friend Nat: it’s her scowly little companion Steve he’s not thrilled about at first. But soon Steve goes from being a thorn in Tony’s side to being his dearest friend – and much, much more than that. Despite Steve feeling the same way about Tony, the pair still dance around each other for years as Steve struggles to accept his feelings for another man: especially one already betrothed to another. Not to mention that Tony is a prince, and Steve is nothing but a squire.

But before they can make peace, Tony is kidnapped and dragged into the beginnings of another conflict in the nearby magical kingdom of Asgard – he really hates magic. With his potential usefulness diminishing by the day, Tony races to escape even as Steve, Natasha, and their friends race to find him and bring him home.

And—just to make matters worse—Tony has been trapped by a powerful spell and turned into a swan, of all creatures. He really, really hates magic.

Always Yours: @hollyjollyhope

Getting kidnapped is normal for them, at this point. But there's nothing normal about this.

And suddenly, Tony has a choice to make.

Oxeye Daisy (patience): @s-horne

“You make me want things I can’t have.”

Steve startled at the voice from behind him and turned around to see Tony standing in the kitchen doorway. He stared straight at Tony for a long moment. The room was quiet, time stretching out in a thick and uncomfortable silence as neither man dare to move nor opened his mouth to speak first.

White Clover (a promise): @s-horne

“Hey, sweetheart.”

Tony lifted his head as he tried to focus on Steve’s voice. When he managed to open his eyes and blink a bit of the blurriness away, he was rewarded with a gentle smile being shone down at him.

“There you are,” Steve said. “Was worried I was going to have to talk to myself.”

Though his tone was light, Tony knew what he meant. It was no secret that Tony was physically weaker and a hell of a lot more human than Steve was and was therefore struggling more with the lack of regular nourishment that came with being held hostage.

“Course not,” Tony said back, voice hoarse but plastering a smile on his face all the same. His head was pounding and his eyes couldn't stay open. “Would I ever do that to you? You’d never get a sensible answer.”

Acta non verba: @firebrands

unapologetic fluff about two idiots who can barely keep it together with how hard they're crushing on each other

or:

tony has to help steve with math + a halloween party = a good time for everyone, eventually

you take me higher than the rest (everybody else is second best): @firebrands

tumblr fill for adi & anthonydarling, who asked for "'Prank' war, but the kind to see who can make the other blush the most in public" from this prompt list

Adjacent, Against, Upon: @firebrands

A political AU!

Steve Rogers is running as the Mayor of somewhere, America. Tony Stark, his campaign manager, deals with a candidate who isn’t interested in lying, and just wants to do good by these citizens, god damn it.

song of unrest: @omg-just-peachy

How was Steve supposed to reconcile all of this? The way he looked so different but still felt so much the same? It made Steve’s head spin. He knows he shouldn’t care so much, that he is what he is, but he just wants to know.

Paint The Town Blue: @omg-just-peachy

Ten years since he’d seen or spoken to Tony Stark, ten years since they’d broken up to go away to school. And now this email. It could be his only chance to see Tony again.

Camelot: @weethreequarter

For one shining moment, there was Camelot.

In 2019, Karen Page meets Captain Steve Rogers to conduct an exclusive interview on his late husband, President Tony Stark.

In 2007, Steve meets Senator Tony Stark and falls in love.

he thinks he’s lancelot (but he’s more of a sir lamorak): @theotherwasdeath

Tony knows firsthand that violence isn’t funny. So why oh why does he think that the scene playing out in front of him, Steve and Victor Von Doom in a knock-out, drag-down fist fight, is absolutely hilarious?

wildflowers: @tinytonysnark

“So,” Steve begins, clapping his hands together, “the city of SHIELD is in debt. The big ups have sent for financial advisors, all the way from DC! They’re gonna take a look at the city’s spending and make some cuts.”

He squints at the camera against the morning sun shining through the courtyard, “I’m not that worried. Everyone here in the parks department is an important member of the team and absolutely needed.”

The camera swings towards the office where from the large glass window, Natasha can be seen picking up the ringing phone before immediately slamming it back down onto the receiver.

[A Parks and Rec AU]

trinkets of your affection: @starklysteve

Kissed him once for every year I loved him, Steve had written.

By that count, Steve owes him five more kisses now.

Tony traces the words, hands trembling, and tips back a shot of Howard's ancient whiskey. None of it burns anymore.

One day, he'll have lived more days without Steve than there are words in the diary.

For the first time since he'd woken with shrapnel in his chest, Tony fears the future.

----------

Or, five things Tony keeps to remember Steve by, and one thing Steve gives him to remember.

[t-o-m-hollands]

Tom x You

Summery: Tom and his brothers have a pub. You, trying to avoid working on your new album, spend most of your time in there. Lots of flirting and bickering ensues.

Themes: Sort of frienemies to lovers, slow burn, mutual attraction but they are both to dumb to realise. General dumbness all around. Idiots in love.

Word count: 4k

Warnings: Drinking and swearing. Smut in future chapters.

PART I of IV

***

At 8 years of age your father hands you a worn guitar and with the patience of a saint teaches you how to make it play the holiest of sounds. Every day you practise, until your fingertips has hardened and they move effortlessly over the strings.  

At 10 years of age you write your first song. It’s a puerile little tune about a sweet boy with hair like honey and an opportunity lost. It’s repetitive and nonsensical but your mother hums the chorus for weeks after hearing it.

At 14 years of age you meet up with a record label and when signing the dotted line on the contract you feel a chill down your spine and your grandmother’s stories about the crossroad demon comes back to you verbatim. With determination you still put your name on the paper in a signature you’ve spent hours practising. Only days later you hear your voice on the radio for the very first time.

At 17 years of age there are headlines in magazines about you, photos of men they claim you’ve dated and interviews with people who claim to be a ‘close source’ to you, even though you’ve never met them, spilling lies on every page. You find out your closest friend has sold information about you to the tabloids for over a year.

At 19 years of age you go on a world tour, though the only parts of the world you see are airports, hotels and playing venues and then later at night: nightclubs. You travel the world, but you learn nothing about it.

At 22 years of age and your boyfriend breaks up with you for an actress. There isn’t a day that year that tabloids don’t ‘report’ on it. He spends most of the time telling the world how much happier he is in his new relationship, and you spend most of your time staring down into a bottle.  

At 24 years of age you feel drained, dog-tired and worn out. On a regular basis there’s photos of you stumbling out of pubs, bars and restaurants all over the internet. Your record label is threatening a lawsuit and you haven’t talked to your manager in weeks. You have no friends and your family doesn’t know what to do with you.  

Okay, so maybe being a successful singer isn’t all that it’s cut out to be. Especially not when the entirety of the internet is making fun of you.  

And yes, maybe you’re in a flunk and haven’t written anything decent in months. And okay, maybe you haven’t even picked up a guitar in weeks. And maybe throwing away your phone in order not to have to face the record label was a bad idea. And maybe, hand on heart, the right solution to your problems is not to waste your days away in a well-hidden pub in a backstreet in London with the cutest pub owner you’ve ever seen, with biceps that makes you want to drool. A pub owner who has no interest in you and finds you annoying beyond belief.  

Yet here you are,  

again.

***

“It’s Tuesday” Tom informs you as he hands you cherry coke and a straw.

So, it goes like this. Tom is obsessed with time. He’s always informing you of either what day of the week it is, or the time of day. As if he’s trying to shame you into realising that 10 am on a Tuesday is not an acceptable time to order a dry martini.  

“So?” You ask, feigning ignorance as you open the can. “And don’t think I haven’t noticed that this is a coke and in fact completely free of alcohol. I mean in the good ol’ day they at least had the cutesy to put cocaine in there.”.

“Don’t worry” he says, scrubbing the surface of the already clean counter-top “there’s a shit load of other stuff that’ll destroy your insides in there”.

You try not to roll your eyes, honestly you do. You fail. “Oh no, is it sugar? Please, doctor say it isn’t sugar!” you wail dramatically.

“No, not just sugar” and you can tell he’s also trying not to roll his eyes at your exaggerated play acting. “You know, I saw this documentary once about what they put in coca cola and –”

“No, nope, no, no. Absolutely not” You shake your head vehemently as if that will stop his words. "I would literally rather hear you talk about goddamn golf for an hour than put me of one of life’s few great pleasures”.

This time he doesn’t manage to stop himself from rolling his eyes at you. “Oh, I think we both know you find more pleasures in life than coca cola”.

Before you can answer him something insanely witty the door to the office behind the bar opens and an anxious looking Harrison step out. “Tom, Sam says the fish delivery didn’t show up again so we’re out of cod and therefore fish ‘n chips.”  

Tom rubs his face, looking worried. “Alright, I’ll call him up and see what happened.”  

But Harrison still looks tense. “Also…” he trails off, losing courage.  

“Also, what?” And Tom too sounds tense now.  

“Well, Downey from the bank called, he says the invoice is way over due and he wants a meeting. I told him you’d call today”.  

Tom keeps rubbing his forehead, as if to literally fight of a migraine, and his shoulders tense. “Yeah, yeah I’ll call him this afternoon”. Harrison nods and walks back into the kitchen

“You know, I cou –” but you don’t get to finish your sentence before he interrupts you. “Don’t” he says, voice sharp as a whip.

“But, it would just be a loan, honestly I – ”

“No, and I mean it.” And you judging by the tone of voice he uses and the stern look he gives you you’re well aware that he isn’t joking. It’s like his usually warm and kind eyes are nailing you down into your seat. “I’m not gonna borrow money from a customer, as you well know.”  

The problem is that really wouldn’t be a big deal for you to offer him a loan or give it as a gift really. You love this pub. You love the people working here and the patrons and coming in for a drink or a meal or simply a chat and a laugh. It’s your safe haven. No one ever hardly ever bothers you here. No one asks you for a selfie or asks you about when more music is coming out. No one tugs at your sleeve or try to sneakily take a photo of you. Here, you are normal. And it would devastate you to see the Holland boys lose it all when you know you can help. You have more money than you know what to do with.  

However, you know there’s no arguing with him when he’s got that look on his face so you don’t, just keep sipping on your cherry coke as your foot taps along to the song on the radio. From inside the kitchen you can hear the faint sound of the Holland twin's laughter.  

Tom turns away from you to sort out the whiskey glasses on the counter behind him. But when picking up a glass he fumbles, and it falls out of his hand and lands right on his foot, though it fortunately doesn’t break.

“Ah, fucking bastard!” he shouts, grabbing hold of his injured foot.

“You shouldn’t swear in church, you know” ¨you say, as you finish your coke.

He looks at you indignantly, pouting like a child, “well, lucky for me, this is a pub.”

“You say potato, I say tomato, now make me a real drink.”

“For fucks sake, darlin’, you gotta eat something.”

***

So, it’s either late or early, depending how you look on it. On tube stations all across London early worker are already gathering on the platforms to take their commute to work. Not you. Not Tom either.  

Now, Tom is an early riser and has been since childhood. His nanna used to say that he had energy enough for three children. Despite regular closing shifts at the pub he likes to be up at dawn. Says he likes to get an hour at the gym and a walk with Tessa in before he heads to the pub to make sure everything is in order. After having checked with Sam that everything is stocked for the day, he has his protein loaded breakfast while ordering supplies or read through whatever paper work he need to be on top off before opening up the pub for the day.  

Tom hates having this routine disturbed.

So, it goes like this. Harry had been the bartender most of that night, since Tom had ‘other business to take care of’. Whenever Harry was bartender he’d usually spent more time drinking with you than he did serving up the other costumers. When Tom came back and saw the state of you, he’d sent you home, telling you that you’d had enough for one night and asking Harrison to walk you home. Then he’d giving Harry a proper telling off. You had dutifully walked with Harrison to your apartment, thanked him sweetly, and then as soon as you saw that he had passed the corner walked into another pub just across the street for more. It wasn’t as charming a place as The Hollands and their bartender sure wasn’t as handsome or as fun to annoy as the regular one at Hollands. But in a pinch, anything will do.  

Upon closing hour however, as you made your way home, you’d discovered that your keys were missing. Being absolutely wasted this did not worry you in the slightest. You just strolled back on unsteady legs to The Hollands to see if you’d dropped them there. Tom, who had closed the pub for the night, was still in. From the windows you could see him going through stacks of paperwork in front of him, a frown on his face. Upon hearing you knocking on the window at 2 am he’d jumped out his chair to see what was going on. When seeing you three sheets to the wind, dressed in a thin dress on a cold summer’s night the frown on his face had gotten worse.

Now here you are, in his apartment, in the dead of the night, and he’s offering you a plate of tortellini. Tessa had been overjoyed to see you and after having been allowed to greet you she had then been sent to her place and out of the way of your drunk, stumbling feet.

“But I hate tortellini” you whine.

“Christ sake, Popstar, just eat the damn food”

“No, I hate it, Tom, I hate it so much, it makes me think of- of- ” you hiccup.

“Are you actually crying right now?”

“It makes me think of- of - cheese sauce and -”

“Sorry, but what now?”

“And – I – I – I hate cheese sauce”. You’re full on sobbing and he just stares at you in disbelief.  

Then, somehow the world seems fall the wrong way around. It takes you a second to realize that you’ve slid down on the floor and that you’re staring up at the ceiling. Tom’s strong arm take a hold of you and he guides you to a sitting position, leaned up against the wall. With your face in his hands he stares at you in indignation but there’s something else there too. You’re drunk enough to dare to call it tenderness.  

Suddenly you’re aware that you’re sobbing, but you can’t remember why that is.

“Fuck who knows” he responds and when you give out a sound that’s something halfway between a sob and a laugh he starts laughing too. “If I make you something else to eat, will you eat it then? You’ll feel better in the morning if you do”.

Your head feels heavy, so you lean it against his hand and nod. “No cheese sauce, please”.

He rolls his eyes, but he’s laughing too. “Sure, no cheese sauce for Pop Princess.”

“Oi!” You call out “You promised to never to call me that!” Pop Princess was the title the tabloids had given you early on in your career. He keeps smiling, but it’s a gentle smile, and trace the frown between your eyebrows with his finger, as if he’s trying to erase it.

“Will you please just sit here while I cook?”

You nod again, too tired to say anything. He gets up, and you can hear some pouring water and then he places a glass of water in your hand. “Drink” he orders, then he’s gone again, and you can hear the clattering of pots and pans as he starts cooking. You’re just staring into the wall, trying to make it stop spinning; limbs heavy with sleep and whiskey, a nice buzzing numbness in your head.

Then he’s in front of you again, looking at you with a frown “I thought I told you to drink that” and you look at the full glass clasped in your hands. “Seriously, you’ll feel better if you do”.

You roll your eyes “oh, please, Tommy. Remember who you’re speaking to. I’m the local drunk, there’s no need to lecture me in hangovers”. But you do as you’re told and chug down your drink and hand him the empty glass. “Good girl” he says and gets back to his cooking. Before long the delicious scent of food is spreading through the tiny, cramped kitchen.

You start humming a song you wrote years ago but never released, low enough so you think Tom won’t hear you over the sizzling pan. But he does.  

“What’s that?” he asks, curiosity in his voice.

“Oh” you say, leaning your head back against the wall as you close your eyes in the hope that the world will stop spinning. “Just a song.”

Everything goes quiet for a while and you find yourself wondering if you’ve fallen asleep. But then you hear his voice. “Keep singing, please”.  

It surprises you, the amount of tenderness in his words; such a gentle bequest. So, you do as you’re told. In a voice raspy from the whiskey but sweet from his kindness you sing.

“I’ve been holding my breath, I’ve been counting to ten, 

Over something you said, I’ve been holding back tears 

 While you’re throwing back beers, I’m alone in bed

You know I, I’m afraid of change, Guess that’s why we stay the same, 

So tell me to leave, I’ll pack my bags, get on the road, 

Find someone that loves you better than I do, darling, I know, 

'Cause you remind me every day, I’m not enough, but I still stay”

You trial off and he keeps quiet too and goes silent again. Then he slides down beside you, a plate of pasta carbonara in his hands which he offers you along with a fork. “Eat” he orders gently. You do, and it tastes delicious.

“God, Tom, you could rival Sam in the kitchen”.

He snorts but you persist. “Seriously Tommy, I’d hire you as a private chef if I didn’t know you’d be an insufferable employee”.

He snorts again, but you can tell he’s amused. “Wow, thanks a lot”

“Seriously, you’d always complain about my lack of organization, or the fact that I keep all of my face masks in the refrigerator, or that I never have any food at home or that I don’t eat at regular hours or that I sometimes just forget to eat and just have a Red bull for dinner instead or that I – ”

“Jesus Christ” he interrupts you “who the fuck let you be an adult? What’s wrong with you!?”

You’re wolfing down your food, so it takes you a moment to answer. “Someone said my problem was ‘a mind-boggling lack of general discipline and a staggeringly low ability to organise’” you finally say.

“Who said that? I mean they’re not wrong”.

“You said that” you point out as you finish your plate of carbonara. “Also, this was scrumptious, and also, may I sleep here tonight?”

He looks at you in disbelief “Yeah, duh, I’m not kicking you out? I mean, I thought that was the general idea of this”.

He grabs a hold of your plate and takes your hand in his other as he guides you both up to a standing position. He places the plate among the other dirty pans in the sink and then lead you to his bathroom. Giving you a new toothbrush, he orders you to brush your teeth while he changes his sheets. He hands you a shirt to sleep in and when you’ve changed you argue for a good 10 minutes while about who’s to sleep on the couch before he puts his foot down and say he’ll ban you from his pub unless you take the bed instead of him. So, you do.  

His bed soft and comfortable and smell of his detergent. From the living room you can hear Tessa’s deep breaths and the sound of Tom tossing around on the sofa. You wonder how uncomfortable he is.

“Tommy just come in here instead” you call out, voice drowsy.

“No, I told you, you take the bed”

You snort. As if you were going to give this bed up, no chance. Not now that you know how comfortable it is.  

“Yeah, duh” you answer. “Wasn’t planning on taking the sofa, but the bed’s big enough for the two of us, innit?”

Dead silence from the living room. Even Tessa seems to have been struck silent.

“You sure?”

You sigh. “Yeah, I'm sure, for fuck’s sake Tommy, just come in here”.

You hear the sound of footsteps slowly making their way across the floor, then he’s in the doorway. Clad in a pair of black boxers and a black t-shirt, awkwardly scratching the back of his head as he avoids looking at you.

You pull down the covers and he lay down beside you, keeping his distance in the bed. You have your backs against each other, staring into separate walls and even through the whiskey you can tell this is awkward. You want to ask him to hold you, but you’re scared he doesn’t want it. Scared he doesn’t even want to lay beside you. You are after all just a costumer in his bar. A costumer you know he can’t afford to lose.

You don’t know how long you lay there in silence, his scent surrounding you, the soft sound of his breath lulling you into further relaxation but eventually you drift off to sleep.  

When you wake, he’s gone. A note on his pillow tells you he’s gone to the gym, telling you to take anything you want for breakfast and just leave the keys at the pub later.  

When you close the door behind you you can’t help but feel that something tender happened in there, something important; but you know he doesn’t feel the same.

***

It’s Monday night, as Tom has been so kind to remind you off, and you’re plastered.  

Earlier the pub had been full to rim of football supporters shouting and singing and sharing pints before a big game, filling the entire place with an excited buzz. Now they’ve all gone off to cheer for their heroes on the field and only the patrons remain.  

Harry is bartender tonight, and Tom has placed himself in the back of the pub, a stack of paper in front of him that he keeps leering at. With a drink in your hand and a happy-go-lucky attitude you seat yourself on the opposite side of his table, determent to cheer him up.

“’m gonna write a song about you.” You inform him, voice only somewhat slurry.

“Go on then.” He doesn’t look up at you, just jots something down on the form in front of him. He’s wearing glasses tonight and they make him look so handsome you want to scream in frustration.

“Well, what rhymes with Tom? Rum!”

“Oh, Christ, no. No, I’ve changed my mind.”

“Tom, he serves rum and tequila.” You sing. “Wait, what rhymes with tequila?”

“Please don’t”

“Heliophilia!”

“Okay, ’m literally begging you not to do this.” He’s looking at you now, his caramel eyes filled with both amusement and genuine dread. You don’t listen, no, you sing.

“Tom, he serves Rum and tequila,

he loves the sun, it’s called heliophilia

his pub needs fundin’, he lives in London”

“Wow. That is a hell of a forced rhyme, pop princess.”

“No, no wait!”

“Wait? I will literally pay you to stop”.

But then you start singing for real, in a voice so sultry that it makes him freeze mid motion, hand just about to turn the page over.

“Have you’ve seen my bartender

he’ll serve you whiskey, he’ll pour you rum

so sweet it’ll make you tender

but all the whiskey in Tennessee

couldn’t have that man agree

to ever share a drink with thee

no, all that sweetness’s just for me

cause babe, he’s my bartender

Yes, have you’ve seen my bartender

He’ll hand you wine, he’ll sell you gin

I think it’s a sign when he hands me my wine

When hand’s touching hand, skin touches skin”

Tom seem to be frozen in place when you stop, and over at the bar you hear Harry give a loud whistle. “Fucking hell, popstar” he cheers.

Tom still doesn’t say anything, just observes you, seemingly speechless. And maybe you’re imagining it, but he’s cheeks seem pinker than usual.

"Well, at least I didn’t rhyme rum with cum” you say, trying to get a reaction out of him. And then “I did think about doing it though” and you lift your glass to him as if in a toast before you down it.

He snorts, back to his normal self and stare down at the paper again.

“Now, honestly, Tom. What did that piece of paper ever do to you?”

“Huh?”

“You’re staring at it like you want to set fire to it. You’d like me to do it for you?”

“No thanks, reckon he’d sue”.

“Who is he?” you lean over the table and closer to him and you swear you can practically see him ordering himself not to look down at your cleavage. “Is he god?” you whisper in mock horror. “Cause, I wouldn’t worry too much, Tommy. You see, God can’t sue. Well, someone in America tried to sue Satan once and they couldn’t cause they couldn’t hand him the papers. Turns out Satan hasn’t got an address. Reckon the same goes with God”

He rolls his eyes “oh, this guy definitely has got an address. He lives in Knightsbridge.” And then, in a voice unusually bitter he adds “posh twat”.

“Oy” you warn, jokingly, “those are my neighbourhoods'”.  

A sound somewhere between a scoff and a laugh escapes him “Oh please” he laughs “please, you might live in Primrose Hill now, but you’re not Knightsbridge posh. Sorry to disappoint, Pop Princess”.

You glare, but it’s all in good humour. “So, who is this not-God-but-rich-as-God man sending you paper?”

The humour disappears from his face. “Downey, from the bank”.  Then he turns to the bar and shouts, “Harry, hand me a pint, ye?”

“And a whiskey for me, please” you request sweetly.

“No way, Harry, she’s cut off for the night. Tell Sam to make her something to eat” he orders his younger brother who rolls his eyes but obediently begin to head into to the kitchen.

“Not tort -” you begin shouting as an instruction.

“Not tortellini” he shouts at the same time. “And no cheese sauce either” he then adds.

You smile at him and this time you swear he’s blushing.

“Who’s Downey? You ask. And you know you’re prying, but you also know that Tom needs help with something and if there’s anything you can do to help, you will.  

“A bank man who wants me to pay my loans back”. He answers eventually after a long silence, when he figures you’re not going to give up and talk about something else. Harry comes back and hands Tom a pint and then leaves to take care of a costumer at the bar.

“A bank man, who lives in Knightsbridge?” You ask, bemused.

Tom smiles “oh, believe you me, Downey’s not your average bank clerk.” Then, in a serious tone, “look, I know you want to help, but there’s nothing you can do, ye? So drop it”.

“But I-”

“Drop it. Seriously, pop princess, there’s nothing you can do, I’ll figure something out”. He doesn’t sound harsh and the way he looks at you is positively adoring. Then he does something unexcepted. He reaches over the table and pulls a loose string of hair behind your ear. It’s a soft and sweet gesture and you want to reach over and kiss him but before you can he removes his hand and seconds later Harry places a dish of steaming pasta carbonara in front of you. You smile and thank him and he makes his way back to the bar.  

You eat in silence for a while as he continues to read through stashes of papers. You decide to leave the subject, for now at least.

“Yours is better, by the way”. He looks up at you, confused. “Your carbonara” you clarify. “I mean, Sam is an incredible chef and you’re lucky to have him, but yours is my favourite”.  

His cheeks heat up, again.

***

R E A D    P A R T   T W O     H E R E

[hangrypa]

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical. 

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this. 

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients? 

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections. 

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability. 

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back. 

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week. 

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the  ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot.  On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency. 

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself. 

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room. 

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.) 

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc. 

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind. 

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending. 

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

[bigskydreaming]

So this is definitely one of my least favorite things to do, because there’s so many people on here that need help, but if anyone has a couple bucks or a five they can spare, that would be an enormous help to me today. 

For those that know my situation, as far as I know, everything is still on track for me to have the lets-pull-all-twenty-eight - of-your-remaining-teeth-at-once-it’ll-be-fun! surgery on Tuesday. I’m reeeeally looking forward to it, and also the Month of Living Without Any Teeth At All while I heal and they figure out the fittings and everything for my bionic teeth or whatever. Everything about it sounds swell. Can’t wait, it’ll be great.

SO. The plan is for me to take the bus out to the desert on Monday afternoon, reenact some of the best scenes from Saw on Tuesday morning while under hopefully heavy sedation, with fingers and toes crossed that these doctors actually listen to me for once about my ridiculous metabolism making most anesthetics wear off super fast. Because. Ugh. Doctors literally never believe me about that which has led to some pretty not cool experiences in the past, but none of those experiences have been yanking out every one of my teeth by the root all in one go, soooooooo, if ever there was a time for them to think maybe I actually know what I’m talking about and make adjustments for that, I’m pretty sure I want this to be that time. 

Thanks to my keen intuition, I have predicted that this whole process is something I probably want to be deeply unconscious for, and during, and tbh, maybe a week or so after that too. But like, I’ll mostly settle for just not waking up when they’re only actually on tooth eight, you know?

If I seem like I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous, its probably cuz I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous. I’m so not kidding about unpleasant experiences with anesthetics in the past, so while this wasn’t actually my reason for making this post, while I’m thinking about it, if anyone wants to also maybe shoot a quick prayer-tweet over to whomever you might personally @ with that kind of thing, I would be super grateful for anything of that nature, like something along the lines of “Dear Merciful Higher Power/Universe/etc, if there’s any way you could see to it that Kalen spends most of Tuesday knocked the fuck out, that would be awesome, thanks!”

Its just, I’m kinda over being in excruciating pain all day every day, like, I gave it a shot, just don’t think its for me, I’m afraid I just don’t have what it takes to be a hardcore raging masochist or whatever, so I’m just really not looking to set any new personal pain records next week if at all possible.

ANYWAY, requests for spamming higher powers on my behalf aside, the other reason for this post is I only have $3 in my bank account and an appointment this afternoon whose co-pay is going to be $50. But I can NOT miss this appointment, its super critical. See, so, the other thing is, my jaw has decided its reached the point where it just doesn’t want to close at all anymore, so I’ve gone from only eating once a day to only eating no times a day, and since I’ve already lost an absurd amount of weight and muscle mass over the last two years because of all this shit, they’ve put me on a regimen of regular IV intakes or whatever that’s called, just to like....get the nutrients I need into me somehow, y’know?  

And especially with the surgery coming up on Tuesday, and my immune system all shot to hell and my various other Vitally Important By-Products of Eating Food levels are low enough to have my doctor using mostly just four letter words when reviewing my latest labs, they’re literally trying to pump me full of as much of the various Nutrients And Other Stuff IVs as they safely can between now and then. And as much as I’ve been pretty much going 24/7 trying to stay afloat with all of this, I just...did NOT budget for needing to be hooked up to an IV every other day because my fucking jaw picked now to level up on being an asshole and like, physically will not cooperate with my attempts to survive on cheap $5 a day meals. 

So instead this week its been $50 co-pays every other day, because apparently when your body for whatever reason literally can’t take in the cheap 7-11 snacks and Happy Meals you usually live off of because That’s How Being Poor Works, it makes total sense that the one and only alternative for keeping your body fueled is to go to this little clinic place that hooks you up like you’re at a gas station, except you’re some kinda pretentious European model that won’t accept any less than the top dollar diesel, because I guess even Bags of Nutrient Water gotta somehow manage to be name brand shit, because yay capitalism. Everything about it is just so efficient and logical and works so well, especially if you’re part of the 99%.

Anyway I’m TRULY sorry I’m all over the place with this, I haven’t taken my ADHD meds because swallowing is the Devil’s Work right now, and also I haven’t had my daily Bag of Nutrient Water yet so my brain is like no I will not be cooperating. To sum up, once I get to next week I’m all set, everything’s in place for the surgery, insurance, I have a place to recuperate, I even already have my bus ticket for Monday purchased, my specific monetary issue right now is I am literally down to my last $3, I am currently physically unable to chew my way through a full meal, so I’m literally just paying co-pays of $50 every other day to spend 45 minutes sitting in a chair while my body sucks life-sustaining nutrient water through a needle. 

That might actually be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said or heard said and yet its factually 100% true. Our world is so fucking bonkers, jfc.

Literally ANY help getting me to today’s appointment, would be amazing, and then I have one scheduled for Monday morning before I leave, if I can find a way to make that too. And tbh I don’t actually know if one is even an option for tomorrow yet because the clinic I’ve been going to so far isn’t open tomorrow and I’ve yet to hear back if my doctor found somewhere else to send me that I can actually get to. So who the fuck even knows.

So yeah, sorry for making you ping-pong your way through that mess, this is my brain on Empty, like I said, I haven’t had my Bag of Water yet today. But any help is appreciated, whether reblogs, donations or good-thought-tweets for me on Tuesday. I’m a big fan of any of the above. Even $2 or $5 gets me closer to what I need, and if you can’t spare anything or have already sent or are sending what you can spare to another donation post, I totally and completely understand. And again, even just....good thoughts for Tuesday would be awesome, and certainly can’t hurt. I’m not like, worried about the surgery or whatever, its pretty simple, its more just....extensive. And my only real hope or want for it is just keeping the Ow factor as limited as it can possibly be. Whether that’s from the doctors coming through with a good strong hit of the goofy juice or some higher power telling all my nerve endings to take a sick day or just sit this one out, I am so open to either or anything in between or even coming out of left field.

And now I’m done. Thank you. You’re all rockstars, or insert your genre of choice. In conclusion, capitalism sucks, eat the rich, and buy a  bi a bag of water today please. I’m pretty sure there’s a T-shirt slogan in there somewhere, but fuck if I can pin it down.If anyone else does, hey, go nuts with it. I’m literally a bi guy who needs to buy bags of nutrient water every other day right now. That’s so fucking dumb, someone’s gotta be able to milk some mileage out of it.

My Paypal:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

Or if that link doesn’t work, try this one instead:

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme2/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

My Ko-fi page: https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

[iamrealbuilder]

Bill Buchalter interview

Bill Buchalter was a level designer for Sunstorm Interactive. He’s worked on 3 official add-on of Build Engine games: Cryptic Passage for Blood, Suckin’ Grits On Route 66 for Redneck Rampage, Caribbean Life for Duke Nukem 3D. Interview, November 2020: Corentin: Can you introduce yourself?

Bill Buchalter: My name is Bill Buchalter. I’m an avid gamer of all kinds – video games, board games, and especially tabletop RPGs. I’m currently a freelance writer for AAW Games (Adventure A Week Games) writing mini adventures for Dungeons & Dragons 5E. I live outside Indianapolis, IN with my wife Jane, our three kids, and our dog Roxi. When I’m not gaming, I also enjoy music, playing guitar, hiking, and camping.

C: With Sunstorm Interactive, you're credited for level design on Cryptic Passage, Caribbean Life and Route 66. How did you start working with Sunstorm and what do you remember from that time?

BB: In the mid 90’s, maybe around 1995 or 96, I was very into playing Duke Nukem 3D. Like most PC gamers at the time, I had played Castle Wolfenstein and Doom, and Duke Nukem just blew me away. Back in those days, when we played online, we would use a 3rd party program called KALI. You dialed up on your modem, logged onto the internet, and then used KALI as a portal to chat with other gamers and find someone to play with. The KALI software would then allow you to network together over the internet and play PVP matches. It was crude, and the lag could be horrible, but we didn’t know any better at the time and we loved it!

I remember I was in a B. Dalton bookstore in the mall one day (another relic of the 90’s that is long gone!) when I found a book called the “Duke Nukem 3D Level Design Handbook”. I was intrigued, and as I flipped through the pages it talked about a program on the Duke Nukem CD called Build, which allowed you to create your own levels. I had no idea Build existed, let alone how to use it. I bought the book and spent the next couple weeks diving into learning how to use Build. I was hooked!

Making my own maps quickly became an obsession. I would share them with my friends on KALI and I quickly earned a reputation for making user maps. I remember there was a map building competition, but I don’t recall who sponsored it. A guy named Robert Travis won the competition. When I saw his maps, I was blown away! His designs were so much more advanced than mine. He was using tricks I had never thought of to get lighting effects and set moods. I had to reach out to him to pick his brain.

Robert responded and we began talking and quickly figured out that we both lived in Indianapolis. He was working for Sunstorm at the time and invited me to come to their office to discuss level design. I met him there one evening, and he showed me some of the stuff he was working on. We ended up playing Duke all night on Sunstorm’s network with some of the other guys in the office. I was in heaven!

Robert introduced me to Anthony Campiti, the lead producer on Sunstorm’s next project – Cryptic Passage, an add-on for a Build engine game called Blood. They invited me to design some levels for the game and I jumped at the chance. Robert assigned me to design an opera house level and immediately I got pictures in my head of the theater scenes from Interview with a Vampire. I went home and worked furiously on designing the level. I was still rough, but with Robert’s help I tweaked things here and there and slowly learned his techniques. In the end I was really pleased with the level I’d designed. Robert and Anthony were happy too and asked me to design a second map specifically for deathmatch.

The next project Sunstorm was working on was Suckin’ Grits on Route 66, an add-on for another Build engine game called Redneck Rampage. Robert again asked if I’d like to be a part of that team and assigned me to build a truck stop level. Using a lot of the things I’d learned on Cryptic Passage, and the campy feel of the Redneck Rampage game, I had a lot of fun designing that level.

The last project I worked on for Sunstorm was Duke Nukem Caribbean Vacation. By this time Duke’s popularity was beginning to wane, and Quake was taking over. Robert was already starting to experiment and learn how to use the Quake engine. I was a new dad at the time (my first daughter had just been born) so unfortunately, I didn’t have the spare time to devote to learning a new engine. I barely had the time to design my level for Duke Caribbean, but I did manage to finish the casino level for that project. I do recall that Robert ended up going through in the end and changing a lot of the aspects of my level to fit the theme they had in mind. I remember being a bit disappointed and not really feeling like the level was “mine” because of so many of the changes. It was the last project I worked on for Sunstorm.

I kept in touch with Robert and Anthony for a while after that. They were branching out, working on other projects, and even trying to develop their own FPS game that I don’t think ever really got off the ground. Sunstorm was having the most success with their Deer Hunter line of games that at the time were selling well in Wal-Mart. Sadly, I eventually just lost touch with those guys.

I’m sure this is WAY more information than you were wanting (I’m a writer… I can’t help but go off the deep end!) but you dusted off some fond, old memories for me, so I apologize for walking so far down memory lane!

C: I see that you're still making maps, different kind of maps! This makes me wonder if maybe you were involved with W!Zone (a pack of maps for Warcraft 2 released by Sunstorm). Can you tell us a bit about that if possible?

BB: I didn’t have any hand in the W!Zone project for Sunstorm, but I loved the Warcraft series. As was common for many video gamers like me, who had roots in fantasy games like D&D, I played a lot of Warcraft and eventually got sucked into the world of MMOs with Ultima Online, Everquest, and World of Warcraft! If only I had back the time I sunk into those games!

These days I’m exclusively writing and designing for Dungeons and Dragons. I started about ten years ago writing for D&D Organized Play in a campaign called Living Forgotten Realms. I co-authored two adventures for that with my good friend, Michael Pearman, and authored a third adventure on my own. As you know from tracking me down via AAW Games, I’ve now authored six adventures for them, five of which are already published and one that is still in the works but should be released soon.

When I do manage to find time for video games, Diablo III is my game of choice these days. I’m looking forward to Season 22 starting here shortly, and like many others, I’m really hoping for something great with Diablo IV. I’ve been a huge fan of the series since the beginning, and even wrote an entire campaign for D&D 5E that translated the story of Diablo III into Dungeons and Dragons for the players in my home game! Thanks again for the opportunity to share some of this history. It was fun putting it all down and reliving those days!

C: There are two signatures in the Truck Stop level for Route 66. Do you remember anything about that ? There also several levels with no known credit : Fun Park, House of ill Repute, Mystery Dino Cave, Bigfoot Convention.

The signature on the truck stop is Route 66 was a joke! I was the only designer on that one. I just signed it "Billy Joe Jim Bob Buchalter" as a joke for bad redneck name. I wasn't the kind of guy that had to sign my maps the EXACT same way every time. :)

Other than the truck stop, I don't recall designing any other maps for Route 66. I pretty sure none of those you listed below were mine, but I don't recall whose they were.

Finally, here are some final comments Bill made after reading through some forum posts:

Wow, I am really quite humbled that you guys looked so deeply into my work! The fact that you could recognize my build style is pretty cool - I didn't even know I had a style! LOL. The truth be told, the reason you probably had so much trouble telling my levels from Robert's is because he was a big influence on me. I learned a lot from him and incorporated a lot of that into the stuff I built.

Its funny how reading through that thread you linked brought back memories... I remember now that my biggest disappointment from Duke Caribbean was that my only level in the game ended up being a secret level - that some people wouldn't even find it or ever play it. I was actually pretty excited about that level. I was the one that suggested a casino because my folks had retired to Vegas, so I'd been in a lot of the casinos there and had some great ideas for the map. I'd forgotten all about the restaurant I worked into it, and the big fish tanks.

There seems to be some debate about Robert. From what I remember, he was a really good guy. Maybe a bit tough to work for, but only because he really strived for our designs to be the best they could be, and he demanded that of both himself and the other designers. As I said before, I learned early on to accept criticism and critique and not take it personally. It was just Robert doing his job. I'll be the first to admit that I designed better levels thanks to the stuff I learned from Robert.

Someone on the message board made a very astute comment, basically to the effect that "Bill had to have other work out there. Sunstorm wouldn't hire an unproven guy off the street." But truth be told, that's exactly what they did! I hadn't done a single thing before working there. But I think a few things played in my favor. First, I lived in Indy, just 15 minutes from their office, so it was easy for me to go in and work directly with Robert. Second, while I didn't have anything officially published, I did have a disk full of the maps I'd designed on my own, and Robert thought I showed promise. I would design at home a lot, then go into the office a couple times a week and sit with Robert while he critiqued my work and offered advice on how to improve it.

I'll be honest - I'm blown away at the number of people STILL playing these old maps we made so many years ago. I watched a couple YouTube videos of a guy playing and reviewing Duke Caribbean and Blood Cryptic Passage. His high praise of both Full House and the Opera House really made my day. It's nice to know that people enjoyed my work.

_____________________________

Thanks a lot to Bill Buchalter for taking the time to answer these questions! Thanks also for sharing... “Big City” !

A Duke Nukem 3D map he created back in the day before joining with Sunstorm Interactive which was never released before! Screenshot:

Map download:

https://msdn.duke4.net/bigcity.zip

______

External link: Duke4 forum blog megathread: https://forums.duke4.net/topic/11471-blog-interviews-of-build-engine-video-games-developers/page__pid__353013#entry353013 The forum posts Bill read, mentionned above, can be found here: https://forums.duke4.net/topic/9418-duke-caribbean-multiplayer-levels/

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Sunday 22 February 1835: SH:7/ML/E/17/0169

7 ¾

11 25

No kiss. ground still white with snow, the green peeping out here and there - fine morning F38 ½° at 8 ¾ am - breakfast at 9 - from 10 to 11 (upstairs in the blue room) read in the last 2 Quarterly Review numero 105 the well written article on the work just published or publishing on Thebes and Egypt by Rosellini, Pisa (assisted by Tuscan government splendid work) and by Wilkinson London 1835 - this article from page 103 to 142 inclusive very interesting - then till 12 5 siding standing desk and writing copy of letter to lady Stuart - Prayers at 12 5 in 35 minutes - a little while with my aunt afterwards - from 1 ½ to 2 wrote 4 pages and half sheet to Lady Stuart - a month since I heard from her and Vere under the same cover - have been longing to write but was ‘so unlucky about 3 weeks as to sprain my right wrist so severely that I am not yet allowed to loosen the compress and bandage, and tho’ now able to write a little, yet it is with pain and difficulty’ - to have my wrist at liberty next week but ‘I really cannot wait so much longer to inquire after you’ - hope for a better account - the ground here covered with But surely the weather, and times, and politics, will mend, by and by - what do you all think of the whig-radical success? is not Mr. Abercromby himself as much astonished as anybody else can be? - but let us not at all despair - our borough of H-x is, -as perhaps almost every borough is or will be - a house divided against itself - our adversaries are portentously busy and elated - we have not a mite of influence to spare, but I hope great and small will everywhere see the necessity of being united and that we shall weather the storm, at last - now while I am at home, I am determined to do something - Mr. Wortley has lost five plumpers by deaths - I will try to make up this loss, and ere another election, I hope to be able to manage better than hitherto’ - Hope and trust V- is going on well and Mr. C- better - he can oblige me very much by doing a little commission by and by - ‘I will write and tell V- all about it as soon as I can write comfortably - I shall write, too, to Lady S- de R- - I long to know what is to become of Lord Stuart; for there will certainly be some special something for him, ere long - I anxiously hope to hear you feel less weak then you did - and believe me, dearest Lady Stuart, always very truly and affectionately yours A. Lister’ - why is colonel Disbrowe giving up his post? -  Off to church at 2 5 - there in 25 minutes - waited 10 minutes - Mr Wilkinson did all the duty and preached 26 minutes from psalms (prayers book version) iv.7 ‘Let the light of thy countenance shine upon me’ rainy afternoon - took Mrs Rogers with us in the carriage and called and sat 50 minutes at Cliff Hill - Mrs AW. very civil and glad to see us - talked of Mr Priestley’s getting Hipperholme school for Mr Carter brother of the man who sings in the organ-loft and to the woman who goes to Cliff hill begging for a shift - Mrs AW as much against Mr Carter’s having the school and for Mr Warburton’s having it as we are - I said if Mr W- could muster courage to stay at Hipperholme in case of Mr C-‘s success he (Mr W-) would find friends - Mrs AW thought there was not house room for him - I said I could build him a house if that was all that was wanted - I had property enough (17dw) close to Hipperholme - home at 5 ½ - put into the letter bag to go by John this evening my ½ sheet in French envelope to ‘the honourable Lady Stuart Whitehall’ and that under cover to ‘Lord Stuart de Rothesay 3 Carlton house Terrace, London’ - dinner at 6 ½ - coffee - 40 minutes with my father and Marian and came upstairs at 8 ¾ - sat talking - just before dinner and afterwards till 9 20 wrote all but the 4 first lines of today - fine day, or, at least, fair till near 2pm afterwards rainy, windy, stormy afternoon and evening - with my aunt from 9 40 to 10 10 at which hour F42°

[jamiefairfaxisntcool]

/mu/core album review | Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

/mu/core album review #1

this week on /mu/core album review, we look at:

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Ah yes, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. The album that’s mostly known as either, “that one weird album from the 90s,” or, “/mu/ basic bitch meme music.” If you’re anywhere past a casual music fan, you have most-likely heard some songs off this project, if not the whole thing, doubly so if you’re into 90s culture, Indie, or any sort of Art-Rock or Folk movements. As I type this, the most popular YouTube rip of the album has about 4.3 million views, a playlist separating each track stands at 500,000 views, and the title track has a remarkable 40,733,956 plays on Spotify. Holy shit, to put that into perspective: AV Club writes that, “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea was originally slated to sell about 7,000 copies,” that’s roughly 5,819 times the predicted sales numbers of the album on just that song. This also means that this song has been listened to for approximately 131,163,338 minutes, a total of around 131,163,299 more minutes than the actual album length. Humanity has spent a collective 249 years listening to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Oh, and that’s just the title track.

If I couldn’t spell it out so clearly there, this album is fucking outrageously popular.

Even if you haven’t heard any material off the LP, this album is memed pretty heavily in the music corners of the internet. I don’t think I can find a single music meme page or forum that hasn’t jumped upon the ITAOTS or NMH bandwagon.

At this current point in time, ITAOTS has became a permanent resident in the zeitgeist of internet music culture. NMH, and by extension, it’s creator, Jeff Mangum have been elevated to a cult of personality status. The band and this project are accompanied by a never-ending choir: 15-25 year old sad white boys who cry while sing-screeching about semen and Anne Frank and poorly play open chords on their detuned Ibanez acoustics.

It’s oddly beautiful.

The album is so deceptively simple, so creatively cryptic and has all the elements of a slog faux-folk fest filled with whining that would bore me to so many tears that they could rival the sad boy indie kids who lose their e-girls to their more socially active explore-page bait counterparts. To a person not familiar with it, ITAOTS could look like an over hyped, masturbatory depression tape. It looks boring. It looks like it should be boring.

If it should be boring, then why have I only listened to it and absolutely nothing else for the last two days?

This isn’t a joke, I revisited the album of course to refresh myself before sitting down and writing this review. I kept listening, over the course of a school day, in-between production and songwriting sets, while playing games, and as I write this, I just finished my eighth spin of the record. Before those last two days, I had only listened to the album probably twice. 

I remember listening to it back in seventh grade and not particularly disliking it. I was really into Yes and a lot of other Prog and Psych bands, but I wasn’t particularly impressed with the almost yuppie voice that Jeff had used on the record compared to vocal beasts like Freddie Mercury, Bowie, and Jon Anderson. Later on, I listened in freshman year, and I appreciated it much more, and had a few songs come up in my shuffle play, but thought nothing much of it.

Now, war had changed.

part 1: i’m the fucking carrot king

As I plopped down in my computer chair, my window crackled and banged like a distant firecracker with the smack of heavy rains on a Summer afternoon. I placed my headphones firmly atop my ears, closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. I heard the opening chords of The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1 and tried not just to hear the instrumentation, but also pay attention to the lyrical content of Mr. Mangum.

When you were young, you were the king of carrot flowers And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

Okay, so what the fuck is actually happening here?

Upon my listens, I inferred that Jeff is speaking to another party here, most likely a female love interest, in what seemingly starts in a nostalgic tone. This sounds almost like a picturesque, coming-of-age, Americana film. Maybe one starring Molly Ringwald and River Phoenix, with a surprise cameo from someone famous back then like Jack Nicholson. Maybe John Candy, with a John Hughes script. Everything would have those faded out, classic colors, a hearkened back era. Quickly, by halfway through the first act, the tone shifts. A darker mood, a stark, grim reminder that life wasn’t always sunny and shinning in Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

The Mang informs us of a horrific family life, specifically about what seems to be his dad’s, stepmom’s, and stepsister’s interpersonal relationships. The lines are obvious and straightforward, the life of our protagonist was rife with unhealthy familial and sexual relationships, and a sense of love and sweetness was not found there. Keep that in mind when thinking about later songs such as Oh Comely.

After the somber intro of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1, we reach my personal least favorite track on the album: The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 2 and 3.

Look, I know the meme. “I LOOOOOOOOOVE JESUUUS CHUHRIEEEIISSSSTT,” and all that shit. I’m not even worked up about that line in particular, I just dislike Pt. 3. It’s the weakest of the upbeat songs on the album, with the weird yodel-screech voice that Gumman performs with really takes me out of the experience, which sucks because the buildup and atmosphere of Pt. 2 felt pretty amazing. Luckily, Pt. 3 is fairly short, so we don’t have to worry about it too much.

part 2: earth angel’s thesis

The title track for this album is one of the best songs on this album, no fucking contest. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, Oh Comely, The Fool, and Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2 are top contenders when discussing this album. If you like the faster, fuzzier, upbeat songs you could probably substitute The Fool for Holland, 1945.

The title track has a familiar sounding chord progression and we can hear Gum from Jet Set Radio’s saccharine but yelp-y voice belt out from atop the mountains his undying love and admiration for... Anne Frank?

What a beautiful face I have found in this place That is circling all round the sun What a beautiful dream That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone from me

In the first verse, Geoff mentions meeting or viewing a beautiful person on this fleeting rock circling round the Sun. He also matches this with the idea that it’s truly futile for him to chase after this beauty, as it is only a dream that could escape him when he awakes. El Jefé has actually mentioned that some of his surrealist lyrics are derived from dreams. Perhaps these lines could imply a more literal dream fading? I don’t exactly know, all I know is what I interpreted.

The instrumentation of this piece is nothing straying from NMH’s usual repertoire: Mandrake on Guitar and Vocals, Scott Spillane on the Horns, Robert Schneider on Bass and Production, Julian Koster playing... something. What is he playing? Wait, give me a second.

He’s playing the Singing Saw? I thought it was like, a Theremin. What the fuck is a Singing Saw?

Oh.

Okay sure, you can play that, however the fuck you do that.

And finally we have Jeremy Barnes on Drums.

The personnel handle the music with a light, bouncy feeling, and the tone and timbre remind me of a faded, old, seaside town on the east coast. Another thing to mention is that the chord progression is G-Em-C-D; I-vi-IV-V. A funny thing I noticed is that this song shares a chord progression with tons of songs from the 50’s and early 60’s, which adds to the waning Americana feeling, but it more specifically shares that progression with Earth Angel by The Penguins. In the 80’s film, Back To The Future, Marvin Berry covers the song with his band for the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance where Marty’s dad and mom have to dance to ensure that the future stays intact. There’s no further real connection, but I thought that was kinda cool to mention.

After looking through the lyrics for In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, I will admit, as a brainlet Two-Headed Boy Pt. 1 eluded me. Patrolling through Genius and some other reviews, I guess the consensus about this track was that it was about Anne Frank again? Manta Jeff’s cryptic lyricism continues to fool me. Besides the lyrics, this track mostly remains a piece of really good filler.

part 3: stop the military occupation of my brainwaves

The Fool is amazing, anyone who says it’s filler is wrong. I know I might anger some people by literally implying that Two-Headed Boy Pt. 1 was filler, but seriously The Fool just makes me a feel a way. My brain creates a scene reminiscent of a depressing diesel-punk Les Misérables. Even though Scotch Spillage’s fantastic piece for horns is beautifully imperfect, it lacks lyrical content and is short and length. So, let’s instead talk about Holland, 1945.

This awesome, uptempo, almost punk-like piece of fuzzy brass is groovy son. It’s probably the song you could show someone not familiar with this project and they’d be like, “Oh, is this Cake? Why is the lead singer singing so high now?”

Holland, 1945 is a song that you can just listen for the instrumentation. Holland, 1945 is a song that promotes peace and love. There’s so many great things I can say about Holland, 1945. How it’s theme is so perfectly fitting for today’s political climate, how it manages to blend these psychedelic and bluesy timbres with a fast and loud sound and how well it continued the semi-conceptual narrative of Joff’s admiration and love for... Anne Frank.

Okay, fuck it, I have to say it. It’s bothered me ever since I discovered it.

Why Anne Frank? Like, I know why Anne Frank, but I mean like, why, y’know? I’ll say I admire Anne Frank, she was trying her best to live a normal life in a terrifying time to be alive, but I never wanted to fuck her. xxJeffxx’s mentions of Anne kind of make me raise an eyebrow. Especially because the album’s not just about her either. When he gets sexual, it’s difficult to determine whether he is mentioning a third party or Anne, which would be pretty weird, as she was 15 when she died and Heff was 28 when he wrote this. Maybe this is just some patrician music shit that I’m too plebeian to understand, like heated toilet seats or drinking for fun rather than to drown the pain. Maybe I haven’t sat down and watched enough flowery-squarespace-sponsored-lofi-hip-hop-muzak-using-pretentious video essayists to understand it, but what do I know.

part 4: the proletariat cries

To wrap on the second half of the album, this is the half that I cried in.

Communist Daughter is a good song, but with how short it is, it left me wanting more. This track is one of the few that actually features a soft-spoken Jeffen, and its open and dark but dreamy atmosphere left my jaw agape. The mountaintops weren’t the only thing stained.

Oh Comely, Oh Comely. Oh Comely is a song that deserves its own review. The lyrical chops of The Mangum Magnum are on full display as he belts somber, brutal verse after verse, with plenty of juxtaposition between sickening, sexual and vile situations alongside a description of a sweet, innocent young girl, just trying to survive with a guitar by her side. This beautiful, lovely girl gets taken advantage by someone, some people, perhaps even Yeff himself, only seen as an easy lay, a whore, like the ones her father visits often. He disgustingly describes semen in the garden, and her making miracles with her mouth, but I didn’t get a tone similar to so many songs about “sexual-empowerment.” The song is about self-deprecating depression leading to her being used, perhaps even abused. A situation all too real, too close to many of us. As I type this, I don’t know what to think. A woman should of course have individual sexual freedom, but this song doesn’t describe that. It describes trauma, emotional, psychological trauma. Meaningless sex, a rotten smell, staining the flower of a woman, all of this language that could be simply described as gross. This isn’t a happy song about fucking bitches. This song is about how a girl wanted to play music, pluck vines and was taken advantage of, reduced to her roots, and deflowered. Fuck. I wish I could save her. In some sort of time machine.

Two-Headed Boy could refer to a number of things. I have a head canon. This girl, Comely, is being used by the Two-Headed Boy for sexual favors. The Two-Headed Boy then “repays” her in friendship and music, playing their silly little songs. On the surface, Comely assumes the Two-Headed Boy trusts her and cares for her, but really all he wants is sex. Comely, living in a broken home and without a proper male figure in their life, is conned by the Two-Headed Boy, and just wants to live a normal life. Comely is trapped. She’s living in a place that is surrounded by the texture of scum and she knows it, she just can’t call upon the strength to leave. She’s trapped in a home, a ghetto, wanting to live a normal life, but she’s been placed here by the Two-Headed Boy, who knew her mother and father were broken, and she would be too. The Two-Headed Boy broke in, claimed to be her friend, and supports her, before defiling her. Comely was pretty, bright, and intelligent. She was just in a bad situation.

Comely was Anne Frank.

Not to say that they were literally one in the same, but I mean J. Mangum (private eye) is comparing two children, ripped from their lives by this awful world, and intertwining them, blurring the lines.

Who’s the Two-Headed Boy? As I said, it could be a number of people. Nazis, Peter van Pels, hell, even Jeff Manga himself could be the Two-Headed Boy. It doesn’t matter as long as we realize the relationship between oppressed and oppressor.

There is a glimmer of hope for Comely though. Read the closing words from Two-Headed Boy Pt. 2:

Two headed boy, she is all you could need She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires And retire to sheets safe and clean But don't hate her when she gets up to leave

Comely and the Two-Headed Boy split away from each other. Comely leaves the Two-Headed Boy, and the narrator says not to hate her when she leaves. On a deeper level, this could be an introspective Jeff Mangum relating on his past. I don’t really know.

outro

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

9/10

What did you think? Was I way off the mark, or do you agree? What should I have covered? What did you like, what did you dislike, I’m all ears. Leave a follow and a like if you liked it and I’ll see you on Wednesday.

[momtemplative]

Watching My Diet.

Of Words and Images, That Is.

As for a spoiled life, no life is spoiled but one whose growth is arrested.—Oscar Wilde, from The Picture of Dorian Gray.

1.

When I was pregnant, I was astounded by the amount of shit-advice people felt entitled to force upon me, thanks to the visual whistle-blower of my growing belly.

I kept the book, Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin next to my bed like a sacred text. The second half of the book contains a collection of empowered women sharing inspiring stories of their natural birth experiences. I read at least one story every night to off-set the deflating stories that were pushed at me. (One, still clear as day in my mind over a decade later, came from a woman who had never had kids! She said, in low tones and with concern in her eyes, “It’s the most painful thing you will ever experience. You WILL NEED DRUGS.”) 

I would often fall asleep with Ina May’s book on my chest, thinking maybe the positive messages would cause seep into my being, like a topical treatment.

Now, during the era of COVID19, the news is an IV drip of mounting catastrophe into all of our collective veins. And the way we receive news during these current times is 24-7, on screens, visual, relentless and without limits. (PS: as said in Time, “media images can be so intense that they can cause symptoms of acute stress or even PTSD.”) 

Like many, I find myself falling into the habit of using my few-far-between windows of space to either read updates from the Post and the Times, or to check social media. While informative at best, these word-venues are, nutrient-wise, anemic crumbs not suitable for a bottom-feeder.

So why the impulse to keep going back?

According to Time Magazine, “The human brain is wired to pay attention to information that scares or unsettles us—a concept known as “negativity bias“. Meaning, our brains are predisposed to go negative, and the news we consume reflects this.”

On a personal level, my intake of news is rising by the day—sometimes seemingly out of my control. I’ll just be grabbing my phone to check the weather and suddenly I’m well into an article on the pandemic, as if in a trance. 

Without clear boundaries and a bit of mindfulness, the news and media we are ingesting can be far more toxic than beneficial. The effects of constant negative-news consumption are real and complex. 

And I feel the wear-and-tear in my mental state, to be sure. I’ve been taking in the news every night, just before bed, via my tiny phone screen as if that makes it less potent and more manageable. Not the case. I can easily slip into helplessness, along with tasting the vinegar of potent rage in the back of my throat, even as I’m trying to settle in for sleep. 

Anxiety and stress create cortisol, which can wreak havoc throughout the physical body and beyond. My neck and shoulders feel like they are clutching with white-knuckles for some unseen disaster, pretty much all the time. Yoga and breathing provides a world of help while doing it, but the muscle memory is so deep, that the bad patterns often return within moments of back-to-life.

This is not to say the solution is to bypass the news entirely. But if we are in this for the long haul, deliberate choices need to be made, for the stability of everyone.

2.

Last week, my dear friend, Steph, mailed a box of crafting goodies to my girls. An eclectic mix of junk-drawer extractions and art things—things that have the potential to clutter up a house. But, when assembled in a package with intention and love, feel like vintage treasures from another world. Girl scout patches, circa the early 1990’s, ribbon in original packaging from the Carter administration, an untethered bouquet of white plastic glitter flowers. And in the midst of this treasure chest: a hardcover copy of the Oscar Wilde book, The Picture of Dorian Gray.

It was a fancy, old-timey edition that I had read through and written-in during college, using the same red ink from the same red pen the whole way through. My handwriting is young—an un-mastered version of my current script. But my brain is searching and inquisitive. I’m not sure why Steph wound up with the book, but there was a time when I passed out Oscar Wilde books like a communist would pass out propaganda and I likely forced it upon her.

Back then—over twenty years ago, more than half my current age—Oscar Wilde spoke to me in a way I was not accustomed to being spoken to, and brought about feelings that literature rarely provided. I indulged in Him, collected photos, quotes, and bought multiple used copies of his books. He became an unwitting spiritual guide of sorts. I carried the story of his tragic incarceration and subsequent death with me the way a god-fearing man would hold the image of Jesus’ crucifixion close to his heart. If they sold Oscar Wilde on a necklace, I’d have bought one, for sure.

Placing my hands on the cover of that book—while my girls squealed and unpacked the rest of the boxed treasures—was not far from the feeling of placing my hands on a body to massage. Flesh—living, breathing flesh. Cracking open the book brought with it not only the slight sigh that takes place in the inner ear during a good stretch, but also a swell of emotions. I flipped through the pages, feeling saved.

The article, What You Read Matters More Than You Might Think, in Psychology Today discusses the difference between “deep and light reading.” Deep reading is defined as reading that is slow, immersive, rich in sensory detail and emotional and moral complexity. It is distinctive from light reading, which is little more than the decoding of words. The author continues by saying deep reading is great exercise for the brain and has been shown to increase empathy, as well as inspiring reflection, analysis, and personal subtext to what is being read. 

A passage from The Picture of Dorian Gray—”Words! Mere words! How terrible they were! How clear, and vivid, and cruel! One could not escape from them. And yet what a subtle magic there is in them! They seemed to be able to give a plastic form to formless things, and to have a music of their own as sweet as viol or of lute. Mere words! Was there anything so real as words?”

Another passage (how can I resist?): “In this country, it is enough for a man to have distinction and brains for every common tongue too wag against him. And what sort of lives do these people, who pose as being moral, lead themselves? My dear fellow, you forget that we are in the native land of the hypocrite.”

How I missed that man. And what a time for him to pay a visit.

3. 

Last weekend, I was feeling particularly ill-at-ease. My speech had edges like so many sharp river rocks. Tears and sadness rotated through in unpredictable gusts. 

On the particular day I refer to, a book called Ordinary Magic, Everyday Life As Spiritual Path all but did a swan dive from my bookshelf and landed at my feet. The cover-image was dated and sun-bleached. The font and spacing came directly from the early 90’s, which is when it was published. I have a vague memory of buying this book at Half-Priced Books in Columbus, just before I made my move out west, in 2002, eighteen years ago. It’s a collection of Buddhist essays that focus on sectioned-out, topics—creativity and community, for example. It did not take long to realize that the editor, John Welwood, steals the whole dang show. His intros to each chapter sparkle with the quiet wisdom of one who is not the headliner, but knows his own worthiness.

(As with Oscar Wilde, I could include countless quotable phrases, but a taste is all you need.) In his introduction to the creativity essays, Welwood said, “By being still and receptive, instead of busily trying to find solutions, we give our intelligence the time and space it needs to find an appropriate way to proceed.” I read that line and gently set the book on my lap to take pause and think to myself, Thank god.

Another account of being liberated by the right words.

The Unknowing. Yes, that is the landscape we all inhabit now. How do we work with such potent feelings of lack-of-control? A classic solution would be to distract the hell out of ourselves so the low hum of anxiety doesn’t seem as loud. Or, we could try to re-frame our reaction, teach the brain that there could be another approach. 

Our lives are, in many ways, on hold as we await a vaccine to protect our collective physical health. But our mental health is not on hold. Our intellect is under non-stop media siege and our sanity begs to be nourished and protected now more than ever. An essential piece of that puzzle (the puzzle of avoiding going clinical insane, that is)—more so than what’s contained in a bottle or that can be purchased online with a credit card—may very well already live on our bookshelf.

John Welwood also said, “What is fresh and alive comes only from the unknown.” I’m pretty sure I’m going to have that phrase tattooed on my forearm  in old-english script after this whole thing is over. 

May 17, 2020

[abtoddler]

I went to lay down an hour ago, but i was working on a post for my projects. I have to post it here as the reason I was able to do this safely in the early years, and only through the support of big brother and daddy, and all my roomies and friends from across the years.

Thank you all, and i need help to explore futher this project.

Hiya all!!

Ive just come out of a wonderful training weekend with one of my apprentices and it was a wonderful success. I would like to scale the possible amount of people and have looked at the presskit for the handlery in san diego, and with the launch of the book pact, which describes the community goals, and each of the other 6 books to accompany it as the rainbow library.

I have to say that I’m trying to figure out a reasonable valuation for my projects. I would love feedback from anyone if you see an area I’ve been missing:

The first week im planning for people to study is a rough exploration of each of the 14 books I will have written by the time the school is accepting students. Each week of a 3 month course has been started to be blocked out with a week to cover the most useful parts of each of the books; including the content pages, what the function of it is for, and all of it tied back into social responsibility that will be handled through the Academy of Sorcery, which is a 501 that ive set up to become the “training ground” for dialog, application, and testing for community works, innovative business development networks, and working with other businesses to establish remote training or provide people a place where they can learn any of the requirements of the businesses in order to be trained staff of those businesses/ or able to begin their own businesses. Repeating this model to get folks trained up in each of the various trades and other such things. The sorcery division of the Academy is my background. However, the application of it that I have to shake up the status quo is strategically done in order to work on the much larger issues of the development that people of the generations lack. Specifically those folks who are hungry for work, and will absorb training via their motivation to become their own forces to be reckoned with.

I am not building this alone, my head master is selected amongst one next generation of elder leadership in the African traditions of Vodu, Palo, Santeria, and Qimbisa. He is, one of my close friends who has been at the head of testing and integrating my methods with his, in order to increase the efficacy of the work which comes from the community. I seek to replicate this process for experienced workers, and folks in these kinds of communities.

This method of immersive work, and personal development is what I am doing through the connections of those Spirits, to concepts which services the needs of those forces to regain communion with the living. The Books I have written, come at the tail of the construction of a community services organization never took off the ground which I would very much like to restore: if people are willing.

In the book Empires, which I am currently drafting, I would like to take the opportunity to create a dialog with others here, business owners, mentorship possibility for anyone who would be willing to help me build this.

The model is Not for you to train in my methods or way of doing things which may be counter to your path as everyones religion is their own. My choices and the type of work I am trying to develop by testing this in those isolated communities which are not generally accessible to the public has proven itself. I am looking for folks i can work with who would be willing to help me work out the details for the leadership forward using the Academy as a model to explore development of trades, crafts, and businesses.

This model is for, coming together as individuals whose shared drive, goals, and projects can move us forward as a people. We share this earth with so many kinds of people, so many types of life. We are each on a variety of paths forward. If you would like to work together to figure out how, to come together.

How your businesses and trainings can fit into this coexisting community, so that together your trainings, your explorations, and your experiences can help those who need something to tangibly serve their own desires. But in a way where there is integrity, and community development and in many cases redevelopment of infrastructure which has been severely damaged by abuses from “leadership” mismanagement.

My hope is to stir the conversation so that those who are interested in joining together so that we can all work together to help those who have a need, so that each of our stories can find their way to those who need them. To

Market this not just as the material of the Rainbow library, but as a network joined by the aims of the library, and the academy to serve as my record of this attempt. I have been working on this since I was in high school. Trying to find solutions to the lacking of training that others and myself didn’t have to prepare us for the world.

The background in doing this came when My life fell to shit shortly after a bunch of horrible things led me to try and run away in the most creative of ways. I did steal a boat. So technically as a pirate, my entire life since has been through traveling across this country working my way through the various subcultures. My employment has been in the adult retail sector frankly because when I went to be promoted to assistant manager of pier 1, their corporate office fired me.

I was working 2 jobs at the time, there unloading the trucks 2 times a week at 530 am with a few others. At the same time I was working for a woman and her daughter who pretty much hired me on the spot. Working my way up to doing every odd job on my days off of the shop in order to earn overtime. Which was what led me into what kicked off my first book series, The Codex Arcanum, volume 1 & 2. These were designed to be training guides for a company whose first goal was to provide folks: religious non denominational offerings to community members so that they could begin to become independent and set their intentions on their studies and their businesses which they sought to grow into whatever their interests were in.

I had at the time two friends Julie and Fatima, who helped me draft out the entirity of the Orders of the Templi Nox corporation. It was to be a sales venue, and training space for the categories of spiritual development in the Order of the Night. The medicines/health: of the order of the Day. With the order of the twilight being business development. We set up each layer, the business plan will be included in Empires. This thing was to big for me to do alone, but after 3 years drafting, and working it. They each stepped away to their various activities. In their period of removal from this, I wrote the Grimoire of Arts, 2011/12, which is my best selling book at one time was #1 in two categories on amazon.

Since then there are 4 unpublished grimoires which are the basis for my personal methods of completing a system of sorcery which combines the material from cuniform tablets described in the ancient Greek Manuscripts and papyri examples from 3000 years back, with material from the judaic texts of the 1300s in sources like the Sefer Ha-lavanah, or the book of the moon, and other renaissance writers whose works have only recently been translated by folks in the last 30 years. With examples from texts on astrology, and esoteric thought from the late 1700s through to the modern day. I have set up a working system of operations whose focus is not specifically on the religious orders, but the social anthropology and the need for the return of a holistic community model that cultivates the needed elements within communities.

This work has taken me 20 years to contemplate and put everything I have ever done into focus for testing these concepts. There is more than money on the line with this type of project, it requires that good folks who are hungry for the day to come where the word doesn’t suck. Every job I have taken, every friend that I have made, the people in my life who are my family come from seeking this path forward.

The foundation for Empires, is the people. So this is where I am, asking for help. Who is willing to help, not with what spirituality does to the individual. That is their road to walk, but rather what a holistic approach to redesigning a social platform, a business community, educational resources, skills training, and mentorship to provide better communities where we can bring back the days when we knew our neighbors. Where good people who take in strays like myself and teach and provide jobs to those who the “many” do not want.

I have been stuck in a chronic pain condition for the better part of 7 years, my ability to grow this concept has been limited. I need help for community development. As writers, thinkers, speakers, and community relationships are not my strong suit due to my health issues/physical limitations. I am trying to find creative ways to bring my work to market, which is the work of helping provide a place where folks can study and learn.

Of those ideas:

If you offer a course for training people, you are welcome to get set up on theacademyofsorcery.com website. So that folks who can have a need for that training you provide so they can reach out to you as our kin in operations. While providing a short paragraph and a link on your page providing a return link to the academy providing possible interests with the means to connect with us, and my friends who are setting this up with me. We are coming from all corners of the country: Maine, Florida, Kansas, Washington, Oklahoma, California.

My apprentice who was here in California has graciously introduced his daughter to the project because she has a farm in Wisconsin that grows food for the homeless vets. While her partner has a background in coding which will be a paid royalty to him if he takes on building the app, which will allow folks to search for everything I have written, everything that is business related, as well as the purpose of the academy: Training videos from those leaders who wish to onboard with me in this process.

Where folks will pay the masters of the field, those folks who run businesses like the Philosophers Stone mineral store here in Ocean Beach, providing video lessons which will become available to purchase on the Academys training pages.

This opens up the employee that was volunteered by the shop owner, to a network he can build relationships with, the shop owner who will be able to cater to the unique needs of my community works/and any collector for her curated collection of rare minerals and the properties they represent.

We are all in a place where we have much to offer, but I am working on the tangible expressions of these by using my Academy for training, development and the donation of time that is required for brainstorming ideas, experimenting with them, and working together with many resources that come from knowing trades, friends in import/export, contacts in other countries for manufacturing, and other business owners. As well as ways to contribute to the education and cultivation of people who become our employees. Training them in all operations of our respective trades.

My service is to produce and cultivate sorcery for those who seek it. My desire is to have as many folks on board with this as possible.

The final book of my rainbow library of Sorcery is Hand: the ways of many. This post, as well as the works and histories of everyone who is going to help with this idea, to figure out ways we can all come together. Many are the hands which make light the work.

I am looking to finish my project, and would love feedback, or help to pull this off. Pact, represents the community requirments, that if people apply any concept they are required to fulfill some social development and provide some exchange for their learning. This is mostly as a hook to try and drive creative thought.

Emergence, is the second of the series providing the spellcraft and rituals that I have used to do my aforementioned projects, and how they function for focusing the paths of life ahead.

Breaking Clay, is the book of personal development, the changes I have had to go through, and experiences which result from inviting energies into my life that are reflected in direct manifestation aligned with the texts from so long ago. People do not change, its the “theme” of work that has always been. They want to love their partners, they want justice for slights against them, they want violence against those who have sought injury to them. I have worked for clients for years with all sorts of issues.

The Unencumbered represents evocation and method for interaction with these ancient representations in ways which are tested from client works, or by those folks like Keith, which are Initiated into places I have no right to be apart of, aside from my tenacity to stamp out fraud, corruption, and abuses in those communities by those unscrupulous fuckers who abuse women, the ancestors, and provide antiquated antisocial hatred which serves no purpose when used relentlessly against folks who cannot change things like their way to love, or the color of their skin, or the parents they were born to, or the lack of opportunity due to conditions outside of their control. People should hate this, with a fire that will finally restore peace, because by eliminating the systems of hate, through the necessity of the drive that comes from this internal revulsion to corruption, that is when things begin to change for the better.

Hand, i have talked about; all of the gates, threshold spell craft and ritual bring aligned in similar ways to those of a reiki master is to the spirit of Mt. Fuji, we can use these to change ourselves. These are the methods I have used create this project in full. These are what has allowed me to work directly with those folks whose paths are clad in oaths which remain unbroken, of those most private sacred secrets, but yet shared with me through my seeking the many to help with this project.

The 6th book is the Empires; where this concept I have written about today shares with the world these ideas.

The thaumaturgic Art;7th is the entire method for each of my 2 week courses for introduction to the method, the break down of the 12 categories of magic, and who is helping me in the school’s division, and how each day of the 3 month course will be taught, totaling 72 lessons which I have used across my life and this country seeking a way to establish this model of training so others can replicate it, and the reasons behjnd each lesson, each month, and each day of those 3 years in the academy itself.

The 3 volumes of the Thaumaturgic Craft including the exact methods and reasons why I have created this entire system. Which is only going to be available to those folks who would become my Teachers, offering their services under the Academy as instructors. Not for the propagation of the method, but for their interpretation and application. Which they must demonstrate, and with Keith, as the Headmaster who had himself replicated this process integration of method while I was crafting these notes. These will be for instructors only.

So, now its come to it, when I look to you for help. You each have projects, you each have special interests and we all can work together, and create a path forward which embodies the trust, and care that responsibilities are shared by everyone to make better the world then we have found it. I am not satisfied with how this world has been left by those who are in the drivers seat. I believe that a change is required.

How we seek peace, how we seek community and the freedoms to explore ourselves fully with those who wish to do the same. These are what my academy is for.

Please help with feedback, and if you have seen something which I have left out of my models. I would love to work with everyone who would be willing to help me. Any help is much appreciated.

I have made wonderful friends who are my brothers and sisters in art, friends and family who I do business with, and most importantly this is my attempt to drive the functional and realistic goals of my businesses, my community responsibilities and provide education and a safe environment where people can explore their own desires freely.

Thank you for your time in reading this, and any help is much welcomed. Only together can this be pulled off in ways which I cannot fathom. Please help me bring clarity and unity of intent to those who seek this way as an option.

[glorious-blackout]

The Many Random Pages of Surgery:

Becoming a doctor inevitably means that your work-life becomes dictated by this thing:

Our hospital has two surgical wards: one for emergency admissions and one for elective admissions/HDU. The nurses on the former are great; really self-sufficient and supportive, and they tend to only page you when there’s a real need/emergency. On the other hand, the nurses on the latter ward - while genuinely nice and great at their jobs - tend to have a habit of rushing to the phone and paging us for reasons that could probably wait. Here are a few examples from our first two months: 

A colleague was paged because one of her patient’s NEWS scores had gone up to 2. A NEWS chart monitors observations like heart rate, blood pressure, temperature and oxygen saturations. In theory, the higher the score, the sicker the patient; a septic patient requiring oxygen may score an 8 for example. What had changed in this case to elicit a panicked call? The heart rate had gone from 97 to 102.

One of my colleagues was paged during her lunch break because she hadn’t put a form in the patient’s notes. When she said she could do it after lunch and that the plan she’d written wasn’t urgent, she was urged to come and put it in the notes right away. 

We get paged fairly often about tasks that are already on our list from the morning rounds. Occasionally the page comes AFTER you’ve completed said task.

Our prescribing system is electronic, and for safety reasons only one person can access a patient’s file at any one time. This has lead to multiple occasions where the nurses page you to add a drug to a patient’s chart, only for you to get an error message when you try to do so because they haven’t logged off.

IV fluids make up the vast majority of our pages. As soon as one bag is empty, the nurses seem eager to get the next one up despite the fact that fluids are rarely ever that urgent (unless a patient is in shock or has an acute kidney injury). Most of the patients on IV fluids are actually managing to drink good amounts, have normal blood results and stable heart rates/blood pressure, therefore probably don’t need IVs in the first place...which sadly doesn’t stop you from being asked to prescribe them ten times a day.

One nurse spent two minutes shouting my colleague’s name throughout the entire ward, before deciding to page him because someone was looking for him on the phone. This was despite us telling her that he’d gone to insert a cannula, so not only would he not be able to answer his page but the loud beep could be distracting when he had a needle in his hand. 

Not only that, but she could easily have taken a message as the caller simply wanted him to write a transfer letter for a patient.

Sometimes we get pages asking what the plan was from the ward-round. Which is fine if the notes are either absent or unclear, but occasionally we’ll ask the nurse what the notes say (just to remind ourselves) and they’ll reply, “Oh, I didn’t check...”

Sometimes you get paged despite the fact that you’ve been on the ward for a while. A lot of the time this is when you’re talking to a patient or taking bloods. Trying to keep a needle steady when there’s a harsh beeping and you don’t have spare hands to silence it is a bit of a pain, to say the least.

One time I was called to prescribe gentamicin (an antibiotic) about half an hour later than it should have been given, and I mindlessly wrote the time it was supposed to be due rather than the current time. Fifteen minutes later I got a page asking me to come back, scribble out the time I’d written and put something closer to the actual administration time. There was literally zero reason to do this - gentamicins get delayed pretty frequently and the prescription/administration times rarely line up even on a good day - but the nurse insisted because she thought the disparity would look bad.

My colleague was once paged during her late shift because a gentleman had cold hands. To be fair, in situations such as shock this can be a Very Bad Thing and we’d definitely want to know what their NEWS score was, however the nurse (who’d expressed a fear that her patient was peripherally shutting down) hadn’t actually taken a set of observations. My colleague asked her to do so, only for everything to be completely normal. Turns out the patient only needed to stick his hands under the bedsheets.  

The nursing stations get updated rotas every week so they know which junior is doing which shift and who would be best to contact at any given moment. Despite this, I still get paged fairly regularly at home despite my shift ending hours before (one of the downsides of living close to the hospital). Thankfully there’s a mute button; work can seem inescapable enough as it is without a certain ward following me home as well 😉

It’s worth noting that the nurses on this ward do a fabulous job more often than not and that a lot of these ‘trivial’ pages are driven by genuine concern for patient care. The issue lies in the fact that pages should really be used for urgent requests, rather than a way of getting our attention for tasks that can easily wait until we’re on the ward. As juniors, our instinct now whenever we get a page is to sigh and wonder ‘what now?’, but of course the risk is that one day there will be a genuine emergency and we’ll be less inclined to rush to a phone if we’re in the middle of a task. 

It should also be noted that doctors seem to have better protections if we make mistakes, whereas the system is more likely to set nurses up to fail if something goes wrong on their watch (which is obviously bullshit and makes some of the pages which seem ‘trivial’ more understandable in retrospect). Either way, there’s a Quality Improvement project in the making here. If only I had the motivation to start it... :P

[snow-slayer]

A Bunch of Good Things from 2019

*I don’t do things consistently, so there’s chunks of time I just forgot to write. So the blank spaces are days where I could not recall the exact good things that happened.*

January 1: Started the year off right by hanging out with @nah-young, eating some delicious leftovers from New Year’s Eve and working on a puzzle. Also caught a shiny Delibird in Pokemon Go as the first catch of the year.  2: Had a headache at work, but went home to take care of myself. Dad and I talked for a long time about money and taxes without arguing. I have also discovered a future hobby I want to get into: 3D printing. 3: I cranked out four solid hours of studying. I’m going to ace the Auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel it in my bones (especially when I finally stood up and stretched). 4: My ‘other mom’ (one of my best friend’s mom) took me out for a belated Birthday lunch to our favorite Thai food place, and I enjoyed more mango sticky rice. It’s one of my new favorite desserts. 5: Did some epic New Year cleaning. Caught up on laundry, filed away my 2018 paperwork, and did some 2019 taxes. Finally on top of things! 6: A puzzle day! I connected a big piece of the sky to the side on the Lion King puzzle. I’ve still got a lot to go, but progress is being made. 7: As usual, I both surprised and pleased the teller at the bank when I moved some money from savings into my IRA. They wanted to know if it was for tax year 2018, but I could tell them last year was maxed out and it was for 2019. 8: Got to practice my training and supervising skills with @arrowhearts.  9: Spent the night at Lucy’s (she’s a cat). She’s the sweetest cat though, and was cuddling in my lap for so long! She even held my finger with her paw for like ten minutes. I love her. 10: It’s been forever, but I finally sat down and played some video games. I’m replaying Arkham Asylum again and really just exploring every nook and cranny I can find. 11: Might have started a new Francis story line ... Whoops :) 12: Helped Jane clear an apartment and acquired many new tools and art supplies to use. 13: Snow! It was snowing before bed, but I still woke up at 5 am to about 4 - 5 inches. Activated my dad gene and started shoveling at 5:30 am (sorry neighbors to the house I was dog sitting at). It’s so pretty out! 14: A quiet day, but I did some work for Jane and gamed some more. Can’t wait to start Arkham City when I get 100% on Arkham Asylum! 15: I took my coworker a basket of fun snacks from Lotte for her Birthday. She’s so excited to try them all! 16: Donated blood today and when I went to get dinner on the way home, I got a free salad! The entree was already free and I ordered a side salad. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but the coupon covered it, too!  17: Treated myself to breakfast on the way into preschool (my new volunteer place since the teacher I followed to several elementary schools is now at). Also ate some amazing home cooked food for lunch with @nah-young before going out for ice cream. 18: Did some very early spring cleaning to prep for my next yard sale and straighten up a bit. 19: Beat the storyline and finished gathering all of Riddler’s trophies in Arkham Asylum. I do still need to finish up the additional content for 100% completion. 20: Working with Jane to help clean out an apartment again and got stencils to use for my art (the ones with shapes of different sizes). I had wanted to get me a set, so I really lucked out. 21: Started reading a book for fun. Lol, I forgot that I can still read non-accounting things for fun. 22: Sent out 1099s at work. It’s always a dreaded part of the year, but it’s taken care of! 23: I started uploading my old Franmouche stories to AO3. I forgot that I’d written 185 pages of them. At least if someone else likes my rarepair, they have lots to read. No guarantees on the quality, but there is quantity. 24: Made fun penguin cutouts for the preschool class I volunteer at. Then studied for nine hours on campus. A busy, yet productive day. 25:  Finished watching all my lectures for the next portion of the CPA exam! So much auditing knowledge!!! 26: Panic alleviated. My check engine light had been on for a few days. Usually it’s just a gas cap issue so I was worried, but after readjusting the cap again (which usually fixes it) and an oil change, the light went out! 27: Played some Pokemon Go for four hours with @arrowhearts and Lyla. No Kyogre, but at least we each got a Groudon. Plus, the weather was beautiful for this time of year. 28: I found a dollar today while sweeping the parking lots with my dad! I’m gonna be riding this wave for a week. (Fun fact: my dad and I used to go bike riding on Sunday afternoons/evenings in the local parking garages and look for pennies. We’d always get bragging rights when we found a quarter or more. We still get excited and tell each other of the day’s finds when we find a few coins while we’re sweeping). 29: Had a bit of a headache, but managed to get through it so I could finish the workday. Then I get some well deserved rest. 30: Met up with @nah-young for some fries and ice cream! 31: My annual physical went well! Took care of a couple test we’ve been putting off, too, and they weren’t quite as bad as I thought they’d be.

February

1: I had such a productive day in the office, even for a Friday. Special thanks to @arrowhearts for helping me move all (24  years worth) of our files. 2: Started off the day a little rough and feeling low, but I decided to go up to campus, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to help a bunch of people get to their destination. Also hung out with @nah-young and @arrowhearts in a sketchy room. 3: Technically today (starting at 1 am). Had a great talk with @nah-young about a lot of things including our friendship. Successfully avoided the Super Bowl (which I heard sucked, so that was a good use of my time). 4: Had a really good conversation with my dad for almost an hour. We had some fights earlier in the year, but it was nice to be able to connect some. 5: It’ll be silly to look back on, but I thought I lost a reference letter for a scholarship applicant, but realized I could find it on our shared drive. Such a relief! 6: I tried Duck Donuts for the first time today. One of our board members brought me and a coworker a half dozen each. 7: Caught a Miltank in Pokemon Go! I thought I missed my chance, but there was a special running, so I got it. 8: Just heard we got a new boss at work, so it’ll be nice to be full staffed again. 9: Started working on a painting for @arrowhearts. It might be my first completed artwork of the year. 10: A lazy day, but I flipped through a book on home decorating. You know, to plan for my future house. 11: Officially started working for Jane’s business. We’ll see how it goes, but at least it’s an extra couple of hours per week. 12: Finished a dog sitting job, and I’m super thankful to be sleeping in my own bed again. 13: I gave Lucy, the sweetest cat ever, a piggyback ride and it was the cutest thing ever. I was on my knees and forearms trying to get Lucy to boop my nose when she just climbed on my back and sat down. I rose up on my knees and hands and she did the “i’m not so sure but I’m going to stay here” stand and let me crawl across the floor a while before finally jumping off. I love this cat. 14: Took the auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel much better about this one than I have about the other two. We’ll see on the 26th. 15: Such a busy day at the office! It was productive, but just a lot of work. 16: Even though I just too the other exam, I managed to get a lot of studying done. 17: Mamaw and I got to chat and work on the puzzle for a while. It was nice to hang out with her since I haven’t done son in quite a while. 18: We had some really good food at our investment club meeting today. Sheppard’s pie (like meat and mashed potatoes), salad, this great cracker dip (I have no other details other than feels like sharp cheddar finally shredded with a hint of spice in some sort of sauce). 19: Our new executive director started today. I think I made a pretty good first impression! 20: Started playing Arkham City again. We had a snow day and even my office closed, so I made the most of my day. 21: Lol and today I finished the main storyline of Arkham City. Accidentally, because I was doing side quests, but Batman got mad when I tried to go finish some before the last mission. 24: I am obsessed with Excel, but I figured out a formula so that it would total certain categories even if they weren’t in order. Plus I learned how to make a drop down menu (on two versions of Excel). Guess who’s budget looks beautiful! 25: I caught a Latias in Pokemon Go. Not having much luck with the water legendaries. I wonder if they don’t like me because we picked the grass starter. 26: I passed the Auditing section! (and instead of keeping it quiet, I made a point to tell some people). Then @nah-young and I went to dinner to celebrate our successes of the day and just have a nice chat. 27: Good news: I starved off a migraine that was starting on Feb 26. Maybe this new method will help them from getting bad. Just took an Aleve with some hot tea. 28: Went on a Pokemon run, and I found $20 blowing across the yard when I got home! A nice find for the year.

March 1: I’ve been really getting into “Ghost Story” by Peter Straub and had so much time to just sit and read while it rained. 2: I watched “Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse” today. An epic movie and I highly recommend it! I also have several new costume ideas... 3: Officially started working on my Library Comic Con cosplay. There’s not much to show, but it was nice to start costuming again. 4: Hiked up to the nearby bubble tea. It was good! I got a mango green tea creama. Next time I know I have to mix it up before I start drinking it. 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: Started replaying Castlevania IV. It’s been a while since I beat it, so hopefully I can still finish it! 11: I have proven myself an Excel deity. Well, at least Jane thinks though. She needed a spreadsheet for something and had some ideas so I whipped it out in five minutes flat with a bunch of formulas she didn’t even know were possible. I’m quite proud of it. 12: Lol, speaking of excel, I was geeking out over my budget with one of our board members. She was showing me how she built her itinerary in excel for her next trip and I got to show off my budget. 13: 14: 15: It was fake St. Patrick’s day at work, so I got to show off my green Riddler suit. Apart from being mistaken as dressing like a leprechaun a few times, I received a bunch of compliments on it. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of that suit jacket. 16: Tagged along with @nah-young to her grandfather’s birthday party and watched Bohemian Rhapsody. Apart from the timeline inaccuracies, I really enjoyed it! Look at that: two new movies in one month. 17: First big leaf job of the season. I guess the first major landscaping job. Dad helped out, so it made life easier. 18: Investment club meeting went well, and I ended up staying late to chat and help clean up, but it was enjoyable. Also had some great tiramisu from Trader Joe’s. 19: 20: 21: It was a downpour today, but I also made a 20 minute Costco run. Parking was great, the lines were short, and I managed to balance everything without a cart. Success! 22: Finally got around to doing invoices. It’s such a weight off my chest to take care of them. 23: I had the house to myself, so got ample studying done, played some pokemon, and treated myself to some bubble tea. Got myself a bunch of good pokes from Community day. 24: Another lovely day to sit and hang out with @nah-young. I always enjoy our hour long conversations just sitting in my car in her driveway. I also finished the lectures for the BEC portion of the CPA exam. 25: I found a gift card loaded with $30 today. It had been thrown into the dumpster, so a little gross, but it washed off nicely. 26: Ran up to the local library to turn in my books (look @arrowhearts, I did it the day before they were due and didn’t have to make a midnight run). I wasn’t going to check out more books since I already had some checked out from another library visit (I go to many branches due to my job and often check out a book or two, resulting in cycles of books due at different times), but I did anyway. I started reading Area X, too, and so far, I’m really enjoying it. 27: Our family’s accountants think I’m a bit weird because I was so excited to get my tax papers back even though I owed money. I was just like “cool!” to all the facts and things on my sheets, which is apparently not what they’re used to, but one of the new tax laws works in my favor as small business income is taxed at a lower rate or something. 28:  29: 30: I love Annihilation in the Area X series! I haven’t plowed through a book that fast in years. 31: I was catching up on my business spreadsheets and it turns out I had the most profitable March since I started my business :)

April 1: No April Fools jokes, which is always a huge plus. 2: 3: 4: Took the BEC section of the exam and then clocked in a bunch of hours for the Foundation. Jubilee is almost here!!! 5: 6: The Jubilee is over!!! What a relief! A lot of things went well, and I heard it was a lot of people’s favorite. Not sure what actually happened because I was stationed at check in/out all night, but hopefully the silent auction results are good. Huge shout out to @arrowhearts and @nah-young for getting me through the night! 7:A quiet morning of returning the Jubilee to the Foundation. Plus some other landscaping. 8: I know everyone at work is saying I should take time off, and I didn’t, but I’m actually feeling blessed that I have the physical and mental stamina to keep working on things. Plus, I need to catch up with post Jubilee stuff. 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19:  Got to talking with my art dealer for a long while and we exchanged headcannons and ideas. 20: Had a nice Pokemon run with @arrowhearts‘ dog. Plus, enough work to keep me out of trouble X) 21: A very busy Easter. I moved a huge mound of mulch. It was half the size of my car. Hopefully the home owner will like it. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31: I’ve been feeling behind, but I finally knocked out a really important thing at work today. Got our annual applications in!

May 1: 2: 3: My gauntlets for my comic con costume look so cool! They’re a little stabby (there’s staples on the inside, although I should be able to tape it down for safety), but overall look cool for a first draft. 4: A long day, but I feel like I was really able to help my friend and her family, which is nice considering how much they do for me. 5: The event that happened wasn’t good, but I’ve been humbled as to how well our house was kept and motivated to try and become more organized. 6:  Dad and I were chatting today, and we could even touch on topics in a civil manner. It was quite nice!  7: Just found out I passed the BEC section of the CPA exam! I’m 75% CPA!!! And no cavities were found after my dentist appointment :) 8: Frantically working on my costume, but my head piece looks really good! 9: Mom even chipped in to help. We rigged up a steampunk mask I have (which doesn’t fit on my head right) so that I can actually wear it. 10: I’ve been fasting for Ramadan and I think my body and I are finally on the same page. It was a rough start this year, but I’m looking forward to focusing on being thankful for what I have and working on self discipline. 11: Library Comic Con! My costume is a bit rough, so no final pictures, but I have plans to make it better! 12: It was a busy Sunday. Lots of lawns, but thankfully the weather was cool. 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: Had a nice meeting with my boss. I keep feeling like I’m not on top of things or she’s disappointed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Plus, she said I did great at the finance committee meeting, so that was nice. 18: Although I scared everyone I worked with all day, I was able to donate blood even though I had been fasting.  19: I saw the tiniest inch worm while I was pulling weeds today. It was more like a quarter inch worm and it was just trying so hard to climb up my arm when I found it. I also saw the first lightening bugs of the year. As a bug type Pokemon trainer, I’m quite pleased with all of this (less so with the mosquitoes though, as I got my first bite of the season). 20: I have found a nice way to keep cool at the property Dad and I work at. I’m allowed to douse my head, neck, and hat with the hose, and man does it feel good! 21: I received many compliments at the executive committee meeting for all my hard work on the budget, the Jubilee, and finance committee. 22: Caught up on reconciliations at work (finally). It’s been just a nightmare, but I’m happy they’re done. 23: Another me day. I’ve been taking Thursdays off and got to game for a bit but also accomplish a lot of laundry and studying. 24: Had a good meeting at work to discuss the future of the nonprofit I work at. Plus I finally made a phone call I didn’t want to make. 25: Went to a foam helmet making class with a coworker. I’m super excited to start trying out this style, and I think the sample we made in class can easily be used to make a helmet for Vile. Might have purchased a few things to go with it :) 26: Found a new drink that I love from Kung Fu Tea! Also got to rewatch Coco, which is always good. 27: Part of my afternoon spent working with Jane was changing her screen saver. It was set up for one photo of pictures, but some were so fuzzy, so we set up new pictures and I got to add my fuzzball to the reel. 28: I visited one of Jane’s friends to discuss dog sitting and we had such a nice conversation afterwards. 29: I found a four leave clover today while mowing lawns. It’s been years since I’ve found one, so that was exciting. 30: I plowed through about 6 hours of studying for the FAR portion of the CPA exam. Only two more lectures and then onto multiple choice! 31: Filled out a form at work (finally). Now I just have to hope my boss will sign it and have it notarized.

June 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: Took the (hopefully) last CPA exam. It was nice as I spoke to an elevator engineer before the exam and it helped to calm my nerves a bit.   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: Wasn’t sure what day to put this on, but @nah-young and I hung out for hours just sitting and chatting on the cats’ back porch. 15: Successfully navigated into DC with the help of @arrowhearts (and had an interesting laugh about her being my son...? Oh well, at least we got to give the people sitting outside a show as we left the building with two rollie office chairs each). 16: Started working on my Halloween costume. I’ve abandoned the idea I originally had and will be switching to a different Mega Man X character (fun fact: it was a costume I originally intended to make before being introduced to Scaramouche back in 2017) 17: It was a scorcher, but had a slurpee for the first time in almost a year. I’m so thankful for the 7-11 within walking distance of where my dad and I work on Mondays. 18: I’ve officially passed the CPA exam! Now onto the next steps... 19: I have been struggling with telling people good news, but I did make an effort to inform some people about me passing the exam. 20: Told some more people about the CPA exam and just trying not to stress. I got celebratory milkshakes for my family after dinner. 21: My coworkers are so sweet. They brought me in a cake and we had a mini celebration. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26:Found a praying mantis while mowing. She kept standing where I wanted to mow, so I got to pick her up and put her somewhere safe (with lots of snacks for her!) 27: 28: 29: So glad I went to see Detective Pikachu with @nah-young and @arrowhearts! I really enjoyed it! 30: 31:

July 1: A new fiscal year! I did manage to get a good bit done on my latch hook. 2: A sudden thunderstorm took me off the weed pulling job early (i.e. a perfect opportunity to read). 3: It was quiet in the office. Too quiet ... yet super productive! I processed so many gifts and letters. 4: I don’t really celebrate, and spent a lot of it working, but played some pokemon in the rain. It was a warm day, so the cool rain felt so refreshing! 5: A jammed packed day with trashrooms, a bank run, and more pokemon quests! I completed another 15 and hatched a new pokemon. Plus I finished another book: Dr. Death. 6: A busy day, but I was able to finish everything so I can take the next day off completely (for once). Again, apologies to @arrowhearts  for dragging you out and getting caught in a downpour so I could get some bubble tea! 7: 8: 9: 10: Unboxed my unicycle! Not sure when I’ll ride, but it’s ready when I am. 11: 12: 13: 14: The vanity is back in my bathroom! Dad’s renovating it, and it’s been a slow process, but I finally have a sink! 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: Spent a few hours working on cleaning the basement, and I’m finally seeing some of the fruits of my labor. 21: 22: 23: 24: Officially finished the Vile helmet! 25: Just started a new dog sitting job, and the house is right on top of a pokestop. Guess I’m going to have a full item bag again! 26: Finally got myself a memory stick for my PSP. I’m replaying the Maverick Hunter X game ... because I can! 27: Got three team rocket grunts in one day at the one stop. 28: Plowed through the Vile portion of Maverick Hunter X. Lol, I probably make it harder on myself since I only use my favorites, regardless of if they’re good against the boss. 29: Had a huge crab and shrimp dinner at Jane’s house. 30: Hung out and ate delicious homemade butter chicken with my best friend’s mom (she’s basically like my other mother). We laughed and chatted, showed off our latest projects, probably kept the neighbors up, and just had a good time until like 2 in the morning.  31: Welp, it wasn’t a raid day for armored Mewtwo, but @arrowhearts and I did defeat more Team Rocket Go grunts in the rain.

August 1: Chatted with @nah-young for a few hours and I’ve got a new place to eat on my radar! 2: I kept feeling like I was letting my boss down because I couldn’t answer her questions/didn’t understand, but she insisted I was handling myself well, and found the information she needed later. Plus, she’s very complimentary of my work and appreciates my transparency and work ethic, both of which I work hard on and value. 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

September 1: 2: 3: It’s official! We’re having a Halloween party at work. If my new schedule turns out, I’ll be at work on that day and will show off a costume. Not sure if it will be the one I’m working on, but I can always recycle an old one. 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: I had such a good ripstik run. @nah-young and I practiced for a good while yesterday (and she did her first trick, too!). I guess it’s nice to see the fruits of our practice since we’ve been working off and on for about a month. 16: Had the investment club meeting at my house. I didn’t get to cook everything, but I picked the recipe and it turned out well! 17: I finished “Every Tool’s a Hammer” by Adam Savage (from Mythbusters) and I really recommend it. It’s such a great book for anyone who makes or creates. It’s a fun read and chocked full of helpful hints. 18: I decided to start reading the Naruto series. I’m enjoying it so far! Now I just have to wait for the next to volumes to be available from the library. 19: I started replaying Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase. It’s amusing, although I’m a little rough. 20: 21: 22: 23: I’d been on the fence about taking a vacation early next year because I want to save up for a down payment, but after talking to my dad, I decided I’d do a little something. I still need to work out the plans (and make sure the people I want to visit are free), but I’m looking forward to it! 24: 25: 26: There’s a chance I might be going full time at my office job, so dad encouraged me to take the day off from trash rooms. I still got up early, but knocked out a bunch of chores, finished Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase, finished a drawing, and cleaned in the basement a bit. 27: Lol, I just realized I have three cycles of books checked out again. I started reading The Wicked Years series. I’m trying to set aside time each night so I can read a chapter or two before bed. 28: I made the pattern for my gauntlets! I’m actually trying to do it the right way and making measurements, creating an accurate template, and just generally taking my time. 29: Part 2 of the gauntlets: They’re made! My template worked and I spent a couple of hours slowly forming and shaping them. I still need some practice on the gluing component, but at least they feel sturdy. 30: Started replaying DK 64 again. I really love this game. Besides Gauntlet Legends, it’s probably my favorite N64 game we own. 31: Got rained out at work, but managed to take it easy in the afternoon and just generally keep ahead with laundry.

October 1: Today officially marks the first day of working full time at my office job. They added ten hours a week, so now I’m working 4 days at 10 hours each. It’ll take a little adjusting. I’m happy for the extra hours! 2: I sent out invoices on time for once! 3: It was my fuzzball’s 16th Birthday today! Someone also brought in some really yummy snacks to work that were leftover from a meeting. I also managed to create templates for the leg gauntlets and cut them out of  foam. I’m just rolling with the motivation now, and would like to have Vile finished by Halloween (keep reading to find out if it was finished). 4: Really just having a good time playing DK 64. Knocked out Gloomy Galleon, so all that’s left are my favorite levels! 5: 6:   7: I have leg gauntlets formed. Lol, I guess I should look up the name... All that’s left is the chest plate and cape! 8: I lucked out! My coworker can’t go to a book signing even this weekend and asked me to get her book signed since I’m going. It was the perfect opportunity to get my hands on a copy of “Where the Crawdads Sing” which I wanted to read before this weekend. 9: Making some headway on the costume again! Arm and leg gauntlets have the plating and base coat of plastidip. 10: I finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” within 48 hours of having it my possession. That’s such a huge accomplishment to read something so quickly and eagerly! 11: I was plowing through my to do list at work. I knocked out 11 items. Woo! 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: My Halloween costume is finished *gasp* before Halloween! Barely, but it counts. 31: I won the most creative costume at work! Well, tied for first, but that’s cool.

November (whoops, I really forgot to write this month) 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

December 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: My coworker is back! She had been on extended leave for a while, but now she’s back. She bring such a positive and fun attitude to the workplace. 13: 14: I’m officially 25! I worked a few hours in the rain, but got a lot done (and saw Lucy, my favorite cat I cat sit). Instead of going to a steakhouse for dinner, which I’m not a fan of, we ended up going to somewhere I did enjoy. Overall, it was a nice and quiet celebration. 15: 16: 17: I finished the Naruto series today! It was a good series, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Going to take a manga break to work on a few novels I have checked out and then  decide which series to start. 18:  19: A busy day again. Knocked out two leaf clients for the year and went to see three bands perform at a local music club. I stayed out way too late, but had a great time hanging with a friend, one of the performers, and the performer’s friend. 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: Hung out with my brother and grandmother. I crushed them in several games! 25: Went to my coworkers in the afternoon and dueled for the first time in quiet a while. They wiped the floor with me, but I had fun with my deck destruction deck. 26: 27: Ended up hanging out with Jane for a while and just chatting about everything. We’re seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, so it was nice.  28: Finished my leaf jobs for the year! Time to relax. 29: 30: 31: Welp, ended up being sick and missing out on the intended New Year plans. I guess I did start the year with a migraine, so here I am ending it with one. After I rested up, I did start playing my favorite video game. Plus, I frantically read “Hey, Kiddo!” before the end of the year

Notable stuff

Highlights: Passed the CPA exam Officially hired full time

Books read: “Ghost Stories” “Every Tool’s a Hammer” “Where the Crawdads Sing” “Wicked” Naruto series “Hey, Kiddo!”

Movies watched: Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse Mary Poppins 2 The Princess and the Frog Pokemon Lucario

[nicolewrites]

heartstrings - iv

hey here’s a reminder that this was supposed to be a one-shot and it’s now 4 parts with part 5 on the way because i wrote too much again.

part i | part ii | part iii

Rating: T Genre: Romance Characters: [Vax’ildan and Keyleth] [Percival de Rolo and Vex’ahlia] Words: 6,990

Kiki @keylethashari has tagged you in a tweet: New Q&A up and we’re talking music! creds to @vexmachina @vaxmachina @burtreynoldsesq @thelumineers and others!! // CR1 Vaxleth+Perc’ahlia YouTuber/Musician/Celebrity AU

AO3

Vax came to feeling a tingling pain in his abdomen. At first, all he could manage was staring at the backs of his eyelids because everything felt heavy and sluggish. After a long moment, he managed to force his eyes open, only to be nearly blinded by bright fluorescent lights. He squinted against them for a moment before his vision adjusted and he was staring at a plain white ceiling.

His limbs felt unreasonably heavy and stiff. He shifted, trying to raise his arm, and he finally looked around. He was wearing a thin, flimsy gown covered by thin, stiff blankets. His left index finger was encased by a plastic tip and there was a rhythmic beeping to his left. Vax also noticed that there was an IV connected into his left wrist.

The shock hit him suddenly as the memories slammed to the forefront of his mind. The dull pain in his stomach throbbed again and Vax jerked his hand to press against his abdomen. The sudden movement was apparently broad enough to awaken the woman dozing in the chair next to his bed.

Vax had hardly noticed Vex before she jolted awake, startled eyes fixating on him as soon as they opened. “Vax!” she gasped. She leaned forward in the plastic hospital chair and touched his arm. “How do you feel?”

Vax swallowed. His throat was uncomfortably dry. “I was shot,” he muttered.

Vex licked her lips, looking unnerved. “Yes,” she agreed. “And it scared the crap out of everyone.” She punched his arm.

“Ow!” he cried, glaring at her as he rubbed his shoulder. “What was that for?”

Vex folded her arms. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”

The pain in his stomach pulsed again and Vax frowned, leaning back against the pillows. “How long have I been out?”

“All night and,” she paused, checking her phone, “most of today. They brought you into surgery almost immediately when you got here.”

Vax nodded slowly. “Sunday afternoon then, right?”

Vex nodded. “I should call your nurse. They should know you’re awake.”

Just as she stood to leave his side and the room, the door opened. A kind looking woman in scrubs who was likely his nurse stepped into the room, followed by someone that Vax recognized. His heart leapt into his throat as Keyleth followed the nurse in. She looked exhausted and worried, but as beautiful as ever. Her face was clear of make-up and she was wearing a simple sweater and jeans, but she was still radiant.

Her eyes lit up as they made eye contact and her lips curled into a relieved smile. Vax felt his own features twitch into a matching one, but the nurse quickly stepped to his bedside and broke his line of sight with Keyleth.

“Good to see you awake,” the nurse said politely. “How are you feeling?”

Vax shrugged awkwardly. “Okay, all things considered. I guess,” he paused, “I’m not sure how much is me and how much is the drugs.”

The nurse chuckled. “You’re on a fairly low dose, Vax’ildan, don’t worry. I can see about getting you something to eat and finding Dr. Carlisle to check up on you.”

Vex stood from her visitor’s chair. “I’ll handle the food. If he’s alright to have non-hospital food that is.”

The nurse nodded. She turned to look back at Vax. “You’re a very lucky young man. The shot managed to miss all of your vital organs. It did some tissue damage and will take time to recover from, but all things considered, it wasn’t a bad place to take a bullet. He’s free to eat almost anything, but softer foods would be better so not to agitate anything.”

Vex smiled. “Of course.” She looked down at Vax and then across the room at Keyleth who had resorted to standing awkwardly by the door. “I’m sure that Keyleth would be more than happy to keep you company while I go out and pick something up. I’ll let the others know you’re awake too.”

With that, Vex swept out of the room and after several brief moments of assessments, the nurse followed, leaving Vax and Keyleth alone. She hovered by the door, shifting from foot to foot nervously. Vax exhaled slowly and gestured for the chair next to the bed. Keyleth bit her lip, but walked towards it, sinking into the seat Vex had vacated.

“Are you alright?” they asked at the exact same time.

Keyleth’s eyes widened and her lips parted in surprise. “Vax!” she exclaimed. “You were just shot! Why on earth are you asking if I’m alright?”

Vax laughed shortly. “Well, that man had been bothering you before he decided to put a bullet in me. Plus, I did pass out so I don’t know what happened afterwards.”

Keyleth’s expression softened. She took Vax’s hand in both of hers. “Don’t worry. Grog took him down almost immediately and the police were quick to respond. You were the only one who got hurt.”

Vax nodded. “Okay,” he replied slowly. “And,” he made eye contact, “I feel surprisingly okay.”

Keyleth exhaled in relief and squeezed his hand again. “I’m so relieved. You really scared us. I never thought there would be that much blood.” She trailed off, her eyes looking haunted and sad. “I thought we were going to lose you.”

“Didn’t Vex tell you? I’m much too stubborn to die.”

His response drew a tentative smile from her as she relaxed into the situation a bit more. “Regardless, I’m so glad you’re doing alright.”

Vax nodded. “Me too. Though I’ll admit, I have always fantasized about fainting in the arms of a beautiful person.”

Keyleth gave him a short look. “Idiot.”

-

To his complete dismay, it was almost two full weeks before the doctors felt comfortable enough to discharge him. Even then, they scheduled regular checkups and wanted him to go to physical therapy to regain core strength that the injury had destroyed. Vax was just glad to be leaving. Even with constant visits from Vex, Keyleth, and their other friends, he had been getting stir crazy.

Gilmore had offered to drive Vex and Vax back to their apartment from the hospital and Vex was currently wheeling Vax towards the side exit of the hospital. Apparently, somehow the news had leaked that someone big was getting released today, so paparazzi had gathered at the front of the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The staff had graciously allowed the twins to exit through a usually employee only entrance as to avoid such deals while security attempted to control the crowd of reporters.

Once outside, a nurse and Vex helped him stand from the wheelchair. Vax grit his teeth and walked towards the car. Gilmore was already there, holding the door and Vax nodded gratefully to him.

Gilmore pulled away from the hospital very shortly after and they were headed home. Vex and Gilmore struck up a casual conversation and Vax pulled out his phone, unlocking it.

[Vax] headed home, finally

[Keyleth] oh yay!! i’ll come by tomorrow, ok?

[Vax] please do, i think i’ll go crazy otherwise.

[Keyleth] :P

He switched out of the text app and his finger hovered over Twitter. He had avoided the platform for the entirety of his hospital stay and it was morbid curiosity that caused him to open the app now. A news tweet was the first thing to catch his eye.

E! News @enews • 2 hours ago

Half of Youtube pop-folk duo #VoxMachina being released from hospital today after suffering gun-shot wound during fan meet-and-greet two weeks ago.

Vax sighed. He knew that the news would have broken somehow, explaining the crowd of reporters and celebrity watchers, but he was hoping it hadn’t been by a major celebrity news source. He switched to his page and saw several thousand mentions in tweets of people wishing him a swift recovery and thousands of new followers.

He searched up Vex’s username and saw that she had been conspicuously silent for the last two weeks. Her latest tweet was a retweet.

Vex @vexmachina • Aug 14

icymi :/ | Gunshots fired at Vox Machina event, sources report 1 seriously injured - cnn.com

The tweet was attached to a link from the CNN website reporting on the incident. Vax swallowed hard and left Vex’s Twitter. He was left staring at his own newsfeed and his finger drifted towards the compose button. He clicked it.

Vax @vaxmachina • Just Now

Headed home. Privacy for myself, family, and friends is appreciated at this time. #VoxMachina

Vex’s phone chimed as he tweeted and she paused her conversation with Gilmore to check the notification. She turned in her seat and made eye contact with him. “That was tasteful and surprisingly well-done,” she said after finishing reading it.

He shrugged. “Necessary.”

She sighed. “Unfortunately.”

-

True to her word, Keyleth buzzed the apartment at 10 the next morning. Vax let her up and opened the door as she arrived. He was walking with the support of a cane to compensate for his pained abdomen. She slid inside the apartment and immediately linked their arms together so that she could support some of his weight.

Together they walked to the couch where they sat side by side. Keyleth was studying him intently, but before either of them could say anything, Vex swept into the living room. Vax’s head snapped to his sister as she looked between him and Keyleth, assessing the situation.

“Hello Keyleth,” Vex greeted politely after a moment.

“Hi Vex,” Keyleth replied.

Vex’s gaze turned to Vax. “I’m assuming she can babysit you while I’m out?”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not a child.”

She folded her arms and raised a perfectly manicured brow. “But at the moment you are something of an invalid, aren’t you?”

Vax scowled, but Vex just winked and strode into the kitchen. Vax and Keyleth sat awkwardly for a long moment. Vex reappeared in the room, now wearing a coat and she headed for the front door. She gave the pair one last look.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she advised teasingly.

Keyleth flushed bright red and Vax hurled a pillow from the couch at the door, but Vex managed to dodge by ducking out the door, laughing. He sighed and turned to Keyleth. Her cheeks were painted dark pink and she was looking anywhere else in the room except at him. He chuckled and gently touched her arm.

“Kiki, she’s just teasing.”

Keyleth turned back towards him and she bit her lip. “I know.”

They fell back into silence for a moment. Vax inhaled sharply and stood from the couch. Slowly, he made his way across the room to where his guitar sat in its stand. He turned back to the couch, returning to his seat next to Keyleth as she watched him cautiously. He studied her face for a long moment.

He strummed an A flat chord followed by a C minor, a B flat, and an E flat. Her eyes widened marginally and she leaned forward almost unintentionally.

“You’re afraid to need someone, ‘cause you’ve been burned, you’ve been burned, you’ve been burned,” Vax sang quietly.

Keyleth’s breath hitched as she listened to him sing. Vax sang the first verse softly, managing to only stumble on a few of the chords. He made it partway through the chorus before Keyleth’s hands reached for his and stilled them on the guitar. Vax broke off and looked at her. To his surprise, her eyes were filled with tears.

“What is this song?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s called Temporary Love. Ben Platt, the guy who played Evan Hansen, released his album earlier this year.” Vax inhaled slowly, turning one of his hands to hold hers carefully. “I have to admit it took me most of Friday night after Pike left to figure it out.”

She laughed and wiped her eyes with her free hand. “Vax, why are you so good to me? I pushed you away and you almost died and you’re still here singing to me.”

“Kiki, come on,” he mumbled gently squeezing her hand.

She gently pulled her hand back, letting it rest in her lap. “Well, the song was accurate enough. I’m terrified of love, Vax.”

He shifted, lowering the guitar to the floor before turning back to her. “Keyleth, does this have something to do with your mother?” She inhaled sharply and gave him a confused look. Vax gave a small half-smile in return. “Pike mentioned it, but said I should ask you about it.”

Keyleth let out a slow sigh. “My mother vanished on a work trip. One day everything was great, and the next day she was gone. My father was devastated.” She paused shaking her head. “I’ve never seen anyone that broken before. I missed my mother too, but the way my father reacted was terrifying. The thought of doing that to someone, or,” she made eye contact with him, “someone doing that to me, is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever felt.”

Vax leaned forward, taking both of her hands. “Keyleth, I’m so sorry about your mother. I can’t promise that nothing will ever happen, but I can promise I would never leave you unless there was no choice in the matter.”

She closed her eyes and frowned. “You got shot and you almost died and I was so terrified. I felt like my father in that moment and after I realized how stupid I was being since losing you still hurt anyways, even if I couldn’t let myself,” she paused, unable to finish the sentence.

Vax squeezed her hands. “I’m right here,” he urged gently.

She opened her eyes and he saw a new resolution there. “I’m a mess, Vax. I’m insecure and scared and naive. This won’t be easy.”

He smiled gently. “It’s a damn good thing that I learned some persistence in London then, isn’t it?”

Keyleth smiled and it was like sunlight breaking through the crowds. Vax had half a mind to lean forward and kiss her again when the apartment phone rang insistently. Keyleth jumped, her head whipping to where it sat on the coffee table. Vax rolled his eyes and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Stringbean! Scanlan and I were wondering if you wanted some company since you’re finally at home and we haven’t seen you in days!” Pike’s voice was cheerful and startling because Vax had definitely been expecting Vex, not Pike and Scanlan.

“I’m, uh,” he paused glancing at Keyleth, “Keyleth’s here,” he said finally.

“Oh!” Pike exclaimed. She said something away from the receiver for a moment. “We can come back later?”

Keyleth was smiling and she shook her head at him. Vax chuckled. “You’re already here, might as well come up. We can see if we can get Vex, Percy, and Grog here later too maybe.”

Vax heard Scanlan laugh in the background. “If we’re getting the whole gang together we ought to hang out at my house there’s much more space.”

“Shut up, Scanlan,” Pike replied. “We’ll be right up, thanks Vax!”

Though he was a bit annoyed at Pike and Scanlan for crashing what could have turned into a romantic moment, he was glad to see their faces as they swept into the apartment armed with cheap takeout and a variety of boardgames. The four of them hung out and laughed and yelled over friendly competitions for several hours before Vax’s phone rung.

He motioned for them to hold his turn, but Keyleth just laughed and snagged one of his cards. He elbowed her and she giggled again.

“This is Vax,” he said into the phone, not even stopping to see who was calling him.

“Hello, Brother, you wouldn’t happen to be with Pike and Scanlan would you?”

He felt his lips twitch into a smile as he juggled the phone and swatted Scanlan’s hand away from stealing another of his cards. “I am, yeah. We’re all at the apartment.”

“Well I’m texting you an address and you all better make your way there: Percy is having everyone over and I’m ordering expensive Indian food.”

Vax grinned. “Sounds great.”

-

Dinner and their evening turned into a giant clusterfuck of shouting and laughing and storytelling amongst the seven of them. Vex, Vax, and Percy traded good memories of England while Pike and Scanlan were roped into telling the story of their meeting which somehow involved much more pudding than made sense. Grog was happy to chime in on that part to make fun of Scanlan. Keyleth revealed that she had met Percy near Whitestone when their publicists had tried to set them up, but that only resulted in Zahra and Kashaw being introduced to each other.

Vax learned more about his friends than he shared, but he felt relaxed and though there was the occasional twinge of pain from his side as one could expect, he was sandwiched between Vex and Keyleth on the couch as they laughed for hours and hours. It was almost weird, the group of friends that had developed, but it felt far more natural than he could have expected even though most of them were completely different genres of YouTubers, or not in the business at all in Percy’s case.

It was almost two in the morning when Percy finally kicked everyone out. Grog immediately headed for the gym despite the odd hour and Pike and Scanlan exchanged an unreadable look before calling an Uber together to Scanlan’s place. Vax gave Pike a curious look, but she just shook her head and wrinkled her nose―they really were just friends.

Vax and Keyleth stood alone on the sidewalk outside Percy’s apartment building, Vex having elected to stay the night with her kind-of-sort-of boyfriend. Keyleth lived nearby and was apparently planning on walking home, but she insisted on waiting with Vax until his Uber arrived. Vax, as always, found himself drawn to watching her.

The city lights combined with the bright full moon bathed her skin and made her glow. She was going on about something or another, but Vax was still distracted by the raw honesty she had shared with him earlier. Finally, when he couldn’t bear his own idleness any longer, he slid his hand into hers and tugged it towards him.

Keyleth’s words stopped flowing abruptly as she turned to him, curious. “Everything alright?” she asked. “You’re not in pain or anything?”

Vax smiled. “I mean I love you so much it hurts but I’m pretty sure that’s not what you meant.”

Instead of panic and fear like he might have expected weeks ago, a shy smile curled up her lips and she squeezed his hand. “Not exactly,” she replied gently.

Vax exhaled slowly and took a leap of faith. He leaned in and Keyleth met him halfway, her hand dropping his so she could rest hers on his face as she kissed him back. The kiss was slow and unhurried, but a familiar warmth curled deeply in Vax’s stomach as he let his arms wind around Keyleth’s waist as he pulled her closer.

She was the one to deepen the kiss, her arms sliding around his neck as she pressed them together even more closely. After a long moment, she pulled back, her breaths deep and heavy. There was a spark in her eyes that made Vax’s ears redden, but Keyleth didn’t step out of his personal space, keeping her arms around him.

“How are you feeling?” she breathed out slowly.

Vax smiled idly. “Fine. A little confused as to why you stopped though.”

Keyleth blushed under his heavy gaze. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” she admitted quietly.

Vax lifted a hand to trace her jawline. “You couldn’t even if you tried.”

Her lips twitched into a small, shy smile. “Your Uber is coming.”

“I’ll cancel it.”

“Vex won’t be expecting you?”

“She’s with Percy. You don’t really think she’s going home tonight, do you?”

“Come home with me?”

“You don’t even need to ask.”

-

The next morning, Vax woke up in a bed that was decidedly not his wearing decidedly less clothes than he would normally. There was a dull throbbing pain from his abdomen and he took several deep breaths to try and soothe his body before he attempted to sit up. He propped himself up against the pillows and studied the room.

In the events of the night before he hadn’t paid much attention to the room, but as he looked around now he was able to appreciate it fully. There were two large windows on one side covered by gauzy curtains that did very little to block out the bright LA sunshine. It was similar to Keyleth’s apartment in that it was decorated with artistic, bohemian decorations and many, many small potted plants and succulents. Her furniture was all the same wood tone and the canopy above her bed was a dark blue cloth peppered with white dots that looked suspiciously like a constellation map.

In looking around, he woke up more fully and was able to smell coffee and what was probably breakfast coming from the other room. He rolled his shoulders and swung his legs off the bed. Locating his pants was fairly simple, but the grey Slayer’s Take shirt he had been wearing was nowhere to be seen. He ignored that fact and made his way out of the bedroom into the rest of the apartment.

All the blinds were open and sunlight streamed in through Keyleth’s many, many windows. Music was playing at a low volume from the kitchen and Vax followed it and the scent of coffee into the kitchen. His first glance of Keyleth stole his breath away.

Her red hair hung around her chin, turning copper from the sunlight and she was shimmying along to the song that was playing. The next thing he realized was that he couldn’t find his shirt in Keyleth’s bedroom because she had taken it and it really wasn’t doing his mind any favours since it barely covered more on her than it did on him. Vax felt his lips curl into a smirk as he crept forward and let his arms encircle her from behind, pulling her back against him.

Keyleth squeaked in surprise, but she relaxed when she realized that it was just Vax. “You are entirely too sneaky for your own good,” she scolded. “Especially for an injured man.”

Vax pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck humming softly. “Injured perhaps only because not only did I wake up alone, but you seem to have stolen something of mine.” His hands drifted to her waist, thumbing at the stolen shirt.

Keyleth turned in his grip so that they were face to face. Her cheeks were completely red and she looked nervous. “You’re okay though?”

Vax smiled. “Of course.” He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips and finally felt her smile against him. “Are you?”

She hummed. “Best I’ve been in a long time.” She paused, biting her lip. “Thank you,” she murmured. “For not letting me be afraid and for pushing it,” she elaborated after a moment.

Vax laughed softly. “You’ve met me, right? Vex and I, we don’t know when to quit.”

She kissed him gently again, her hands drifting up to his shoulders. “I’m more grateful than you know.”

Vax tipped his head and pressed a kiss to her neck just below her ear. “I think I have some idea,” he teased and Keyleth’s breath hitched.

-

Hours later, Vax finally left Keyleth’s place and made it to his physical therapist’s appointment. After two hours of pain and grueling exercise, he was dismissed and he headed home, desiring a shower. Vex still wasn’t home at the apartment, but Vax didn’t think anything of it―she was likely just with Percy still and it wouldn’t be the first time this had happened.

He showered with only minor difficulty and was on his way to the dedicated office space to fiddle on his guitar when his phone buzzed with a text.

[Shaun] Does Mr Popular have time for a drink tonight?

Vax smiled faintly at the screen before typing out his response.

[Vax] For you? Anytime, anyplace.

[Shaun] Raven’s Rook, 8?

[Vax] I’ll be there.

Gilmore didn’t reply again, but Vax redirected himself to his room to put on clothes decent enough for a meeting and a drink with his close friend. Two hours later, he was calling an Uber to get to the pub.

The place was fairly crowded, but no one seemed to give him a second glance, despite his recent publicity, and he spotted Gilmore at a small table in the back corner. Vax made his way over and sat down across from his old friend. Gilmore glanced up over his pint of what Vax was sure was something local and gave him a wide grin.

“Hello stranger,” Gilmore greeted, his low voice rumbling warmly in his chest.

Vax could still remember when he got horribly flustered whenever Gilmore used to flirt and now it felt incredibly natural. “Shaun,” he greeted.

“How is the recovery going?”

Vax shrugged. “Therapy is a bitch of course, but I have good people looking out for me like you and Vex and Kima and Allura.”

“And Keyleth,” Gilmore added.

Vax blinked and raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Gilmore chuckled. “Come on, Vax, you forget that I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of those looks.” Vax bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for Gilmore to continue. Gilmore smiled though this one was slightly more bittersweet. “I won’t say I’m not a little disappointed, but it wasn’t the right time for either of us I don’t think.” Vax’s brow furrowed and Gilmore waved a hand. “Vax’ildan, that girl looks at you like you’re her lifeline and I know the feeling is the same. I’ll be fine.”

Vax sighed. “That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to care, does it?”

Gilmore chuckled. “I would be horrified if you didn’t.”

Vax traced a finger over a particularly interesting swirl in the wood of the tabletop. “Gilmore, you’ve always been such a good friend to Vex and myself. I don’t know where we would be without you.”

Gilmore sipped his drink. “Probably still making really terrible coffee while pretending that you two didn’t have the kick ass talents you do have.”

Vax chuckled. “So even though you’ve heard all of our songs already, will you still be picking up a copy of our album when it releases?”

“Vox Machina’s debut album? The very same Vox Machina who I pushed to even launch their career?” Gilmore smiled slyly. “I had better be getting an autographed copy in the mail.”

Vax laughed and extended his hand for a handshake. “How about an in-person delivery instead?”

Gilmore firmly shook Vax’s hand. “Sounds agreeable.” He paused once more, giving Vax an appraising look. “Don’t let Keyleth go, alright? I can only have lost to the best and, Vax, she’s the absolute best of you all.”

Vax smiled. “I have no intentions of letting her go, don’t worry.”

-

Vax and Keyleth got dinner at Melora’s on Friday. They had elected to let Uvenda surprise them with their meals, and the food was as delicious as ever. The dinner felt easy and natural and Keyleth held his hand across the table any time he wasn’t using his hands.

“The album release party is coming up, isn’t it?” Keyleth asked as they were waiting for their bill.

Vax nodded. “Saturday night next week at Whitestone’s head office. Are you looking for an invitation?”

She leaned forward and smiled. “Only as a plus one,” she teased.

He chuckled. “Naturally.”

Before he could say anything else, both his and Keyleth’s phones went off in unison. He raised an eyebrow and picked it up. His lockscreen was filled with Twitter notifications and he cringed.

“This can’t be good.”

Keyleth pressed her lips together before glancing around the restaurant. She turned back to him and showed him the screen of her phone.

Keyleth is our Queen @queenkikiashari • 9 minutes ago

SHE’S AT MELORA’S ON A DATE THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Hand-holding has happened, but I can’t get a shot of his face!!

Vax shook his head. “They never quit do they. Come on, I’m sure Uvenda can let us disappear out the back again.”

Keyleth slid her phone into her purse and led the way to the back. Uvenda grumbled something about them taking advantage of her love for Keyleth before she let them slip out the back. Vax had tried to argue for the bill, but Keyleth hadn’t heard a word of it, insisting Uvenda charge her for the full price.

They stepped out into the alley and Vax looked up at the steadily darkening sky. Keyleth slid her hand into his and pulled him forward.

“A little different from the last time we were here, isn’t it?”

Vax smiled. “Yeah, well, last time I had no idea how in love with you I was.” Keyleth blushed and Vax dropped her hand, stepping back. He held up his hands like a camera and framed her against the setting sun. “Give me a moment to capture this moment, will you?”

She shook her head. “You’re silly.”

Vax paused, reaching for his phone. “If it’s okay, I would really love to share this view though.”

Keyleth’s lips parted in surprise, but after a moment she nodded. “If you’re okay with that.”

Vax smiled widely, opening the camera app. “More than okay.”

Keyleth turned so it was her rear profile in shot as she looked up at the sky. She was mostly darkened by the sun, but with the buildings around her and the sky lit up with deep purples and oranges, it was a beautiful shot. He admired it for another moment before he composed his tweet.

Vax @vaxmachina • Just Now

The best view in the house. | at Melora’s Garden

Replies, likes and retweets poured in almost immediately as it wasn’t hard to figure out who was in the photo. His phone buzzed relentlessly and he wanted to ignore it, but it chimed with a text so he paused to open it.

[Vex] very smooth.

[Vax] I like to think so

Keyleth was smiling at him and Vax reached out to tangle their fingers together. “Feeling up for a night of adventure?”

-

By the time the album release party was half over, Vax’s hand was actually starting to hurt from signing so many CD cases. He didn’t even know that many people still bought physical copies of albums. There were people everywhere in the Whitestone office and everyone was dressed to the nines.

Vex had managed to shove him into a navy blue tuxedo that complimented the deep blue dress with the plunging neck she had procured for herself. Zahra and Cassandra had applauded their coordination so Vax had given his sister credit where it was due. She was currently off schmoozing some of Whitestone’s investors, arm linked in Percy’s.

Vox Machina’s cover of Thinking Out Loud was playing through the sound system as people swayed on the makeshift dance floor and Vax leaned against the wall, watching intently. From his position he could see Zahra in a head-turning red dress with Kashaw and another pair that almost surprised him. He knew that it should not have been really surprising, but there was something still a little shocking to see Pike’s head resting atop Scanlan’s shoulder.

Vax presses a knuckle against his lips to hide his smile. With the way that Scanlan was looking at Pike and the fact that Pike had been so kind and supportive of him, Vax wondered if it was time to pull the blindfold off of Pike. His gaze finally skimmed past his friends and he caught sight of Allura dancing with a reluctant Kima, and just on their other side was Keyleth, a glass of champagne clutched in her hand as she chatted politely with some Whitestone executive.

“Boo!” came a voice to his left.

Vax spun, coming face to face with his smirking sister. “Jesus, Vex’ahlia, when did you learn to sneak like that?”

She jabbed her finger against his arm. “I learned from the best.”

He scowled and leaned back against the wall, slightly turned towards her. “Need something, Stubby?”

She shrugged. “Honestly I just wanted to talk to you. We’ve both been so busy,” she said. Vax caught her gaze drifting to where Percy was speaking with Cassandra.

Vax tipped his head. “How is he?”

“Surprisingly better about this whole thing than I am,” she replied carefully.

“How are you?” he asked instead.

Vex turned her eyes back to him. “I would love a glass of champagne, but other than that, I’m doing really well.”

Before Vax could comment on her alcohol craving, she waved him off.

“Don’t worry, I am sticking to water.”

He nodded. “I’m proud of you, Vex.”

Before Vex could reply, Cassandra had materialized in front of the two of them. She was wearing a perfectly tailored suit and her eyes were glinting in excitement. Vax raised an eyebrow and Vex crossed her arms.

“It’s time for you two to give a toast.” Cassandra looked over her shoulder towards the front of the room. She glanced back, a little more tentative. “We also have the equipment if you would like to perform. Of course,” she cast Vax an extra glance, “I understand if you don’t feel up to it.”

Vax shook his head. “We’re here to celebrate our music, right? Might as well give them something of a show right, Stubby?”

Vex rolled her eyes. “I’ve got nothing, so you had better have an idea.”

Vax held out his arm, smirking. “Of course I have one.”

“Then let’s go,” she replied.

Vax guided Vex up to the front of the room, following Cassandra. Cassandra pulled two flutes of bubbling liquid off of a tray and offered them to the twins. Vax accepted his immediately, but Vex hesitated. Cassandra smiled kindly.

“They’re actually both cider since you’re performing, I don’t want to get you too drunk.”

Vex chuckled and accepted the glass. “Brilliant.”

Cassandra smiled in response and reached for her own glass, also picking up a slim metal stirring rod. She clicked the rod against the glass several times and waited for the crowd to come to attention. Finally, a relative silence fell over the room.

Cassandra smiled widely at the crowd. “Good evening everyone! On behalf of Whitestone Records, I would like to thank everyone for being here tonight in support of Vox Machina’s debut album. Now, I’m sure no one wants to hear me talk for hours, so I’ll pass it off to our guests of honour: Vex’ahlia and Vax’ildan.”

Cassandra swept a hand towards the twins and Vax felt the eyes of every person in the room fall upon him. He froze momentarily, a sudden, uncontrollable fear stopping all possible words from leaving his mouth. Fortunately for him, Vex had always been better around crowds. She tugged on their still linked arms and gave the crowd a wide, open smile.

“Thank you to everyone for coming tonight. Vax and I have been working towards this for quite some time now and we’re honoured to see it come to fruition. I want to extend some thanks to Cassandra and the team here at Whitestone for believing we had it in us and for working tirelessly in the studio and the office to ensure that we received only the best,” Vex said, her gaze sweeping across the onlookers.

Vax steeled himself. “To all the supporters we’ve had since the beginning when we were just two kids with a YouTube channel and a dream, we’re grateful. Especially Shaun, Allura, and Kima―none of this would have ever existed without you. To the others who we met along the way, we are stronger with your support and we thank you for all you’ve done for us.” Vax’s eyes found Keyleth in the crowd and she gave him a bright smile. Any remaining nerves vanished entirely.

Vex nudged him. “To Vax, my brother,” she lifted her cider flute, “who’s heart is entirely too big for his chest.”

“And to Vex, my sister,” he replied, “who pushes us all to be better and bolder than ever before.”

“To Vox Machina!” Cassandra cheered, raising her glass in the final toast.

The crowd echoed her sentiment cheering loudly. Vax bumped his glass lightly against Vex’s and took a sip. The room was abuzz with energy and passion and warmth curled in his stomach. All these people were here to celebrate him and Vex’s passion project. A project which he hoped could be the first of many. If he’d ever thought that the side-project YouTube channel that Gilmore had insisted upon would have evolved into this, Vax would have thought himself entirely insane. Instead, he was proud and happier than he’d been in a long, long time.

“Come on, Vax, let’s give these people a show,” Vex said in his ear as she tugged him back to a makeshift stage with two microphones, two stools, and an acoustic guitar on a stand.

Vax instantly picked up the guitar, letting his fingers find the frets and strings like it was the most natural thing in the world. He positioned himself on his stool and glanced at Vex. She was staring at him expectantly and Vax realized that she needed his idea for the song they were going to sing.

“You and Me,” he said to her lowly.

Vex smiled. “Fitting.”

“I thought so.”

Cassandra cleared her throat from nearby, again catching the attention of the crowd. “The album is now live for purchase and I’m happy to present the indomitable Vox Machina!” She swept her arm aside, leaving the gaze of the room to fall upon the twins.

Vax strummed the intro, letting his eyes close and his fingers feel the music completely. They leapt into the song at the same point, harmonizing beautifully.

“You and me were always with each other,” they sang together.

The song was a return to the pop-folk music they’d started on and the music that they really wanted to make. It was simple and fitting. Vex had the main melody, but it was incomplete without Vax’s harmonies. The lyrics told a story that was touching and deeply personal and true to the twins’ relationship.

When they finished, the room burst into applause and Vax grinned widely. He looked around and spotted Keyleth, Percy, Pike, Scanlan, Grog, and the others looking happy and he even caught Keyleth wiping away a stray tear as she beamed at him. Giddy, Vax turned to look at Vex.

She was smiling widely as she looked out over the crowd, but Vax watched as her eyes landed on something in specific. Her smile dropped and the blood drained out of her face. For a moment he was afraid she would collapse, but she just stood up abruptly and painted on a forced smile. He stood next to her, reaching for her arm, but she pulled him into a brief bow before striding away to the edge of the room.

Vax stumbled, awkwardly placing the guitar back in the stand before he followed her quickly. He caught up to her and grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. The colour had returned to her face and she was looking better already.

“Vex’ahlia, what’s wrong?” he asked concernedly.

She shook her head, exhaling deeply. “It’s nothing. I thought I saw something, but I didn’t. Everything is fine, Vax,” she replied, her tone calculated and even.

Vax furrowed his brow. He didn’t really believe her, but before he could push her on it, something covered his eyes and his vision went dark.

“Guess who!” Keyleth’s cheerful voice rang out.

Vax chuckled and pushed her hands out of the way, pulling her into a hug instead. When he pulled away from Keyleth he saw that Vex was embracing Percy and had taken the appearance of her kind-of-maybe-boyfriend as an excuse to flee from Vax’s scrutiny.

Vax frowned as she slipped away.

[i-am-too-sick]

Midnight Malady (2/2)

Here is the second part of the whumpy injury fic @nerdlycharming and I wrote. Part 1 can be found here.

Word count: ~2600

Quinn woke up to the incessant hum of fluorescent lights. His head was throbbing, his muscles achy. He shifted slightly, feeling the scratchy sheets beneath his body and an odd sensation at his side of his skin pulling itself together.

His lips parted and he let out a low groan, his throat rough and dry. As consciousness began to fully return to him, he realized he was in a lot more pain than could be caused by mere muscle aches. It took a lot out of him, but he managed to peel his eyes open and was greeted by a room awash in sterile white.

Sunlight wafted into the room from a large window, nearly making the fluorescent lights seem unnecessary.

Michael was holding his hand, sleeping lightly, a worried expression on his tear-stained face.

If he'd had the strength to lift his hand, Quinn would have run his fingers through Michael's hair, playing with the blond tresses while he slept. As it was, he only sighed, letting his eyes slip shut and the knowledge that Michael was there comfort him.

A shrill beeping pulled him from his attempt at sleep, a pressure cuff around his right bicep swelling and tightening around his arm. He furrowed his brows, biting back another groan, his muscles protesting as he tensed them against the uncomfortable feeling. His body was so sore, but he knew the cuff would continue to periodically monitor his blood pressure and it was something he was going to have to get used to.

Michael jumped at the noise, looking around in a panic; he was terrified in his half-sleep state that Quinn was dying again. His eyes settled on his boyfriend and he released a breathe he didn't know he had been holding in and he smiled involuntarily even though his heart was still trying to leap from his chest.

Alert now, he still appeared beyond exhausted. His eyes were bloodshot and he was pale. He looked like he did when his insomnia flared up, clearly Michael hadn't slept in a while.

“You're awake! Oh thank god!” Michael nearly shouted, hastily throwing his arms around Quinn.

Quinn hissed, biting back a yelp as the sudden movement jostled him. Pain laced through his body, stemming from the wound at his side. He let out a whimper before he realized what he was doing.

Michael backed away immediately, swearing as he did. “Sorry, Q, I just… I'm so relieved! I thought I'd lost you!” Michael had tears in his eyes, his relief and happiness simply overwhelming.

He hit the nurse call button so they could take a look at Quinn now that he was conscious.

“How are you feeling, baby?”

Quinn closed his eyes. He would love to stare at Michael all day, but his eyelids were so heavy. “Tired…” he commented. He wondered vaguely if he'd been given some sort of sedative or if the whole ordeal had just exhausted him. “You? Are you okay?” His voice was rough and hoarse with disuse, sounding almost painful.

Now that he was more awake, he could see that Michael had a few scrapes and bruises. His boyfriend had obviously been tossed around, but it didn't look too terrible; he’d looked worse from falling off his skateboards.

“I'll be just fine, Q, I'm far more worried about you!”

Quinn hummed, the tiniest ghost of a smile turning his lips.

The door opened then, and a nurse came in, followed by who Quinn assumed was the doctor. She was young, blonde, and had a warm smile.

“Well, hello,” she greeted. “I'm glad to see you're awake. It was a little touch and go there for a while.” Quinn furrowed his brows, confused. “You had to have surgery on your abdomen. We wanted to make sure the knife hadn't penetrated any of your organs; it was difficult to tell from just the scan. But, the good news is that everything was still intact, and with a few weeks of bedrest, your incision will heal too.”

“Weeks?” Quinn asked, nearly choking on his own spit.

The doctor nodded. “Your body suffered some serious trauma, Mr. Wesley. You don't want to overdo it.” She stepped aside to let the nurse record Quinn's vitals, before continuing. “Are you in any pain right now?”

Quinn shook his head, still trying to process being out of class and work for what appeared to be several weeks. He did feel a bit of a dull ache where he supposed his incision was, but it was manageable, so long as he didn't move or breathe in too deeply.

“Now’s not the time to be the tough guy,” the doctor said. “If you are in pain, make sure to let someone know so we can get you squared away. You're going to be with us for a while. We have you on some intravenous antibiotics—simply as a precaution—and don't be alarmed if you develop a low grade fever. That's pretty normal, but,” she added, glancing at Michael, indicating that she was now addressing them both, “you need to page us immediately if your temperature rises above 101.”

Quinn nodded. He sure hoped Michael was paying attention, because his own brain felt foggy with the need for sleep.

“You might not be hungry for the next few days—that's also normal. Call us, though, if you experience severe nausea or vomiting.” She paused, glancing between Michael and Quinn. “Any questions?”

Michael shook his head, wiping away some tears he didn't realise he was shedding. “Uh, actually…” he took a breath, trying to collect himself. “Sorry, uhm… how long do you think he'll be in the hospital? I need to get an idea of timing to disinfect our apartment and rearrange some things.”

He was sure it sounded dumb, but the doctor had really answered all his other questions and even if she hadn't, he certainly couldn't think of the others he had. His head felt dense, yet electrified and buzzing from the swirl of emotions and relief.

“Three to four days at the absolute minimum,” she said. “We need to keep a close eye on infection, and it would be best if he were nearby in case anything happens. The first 72 hours will be critical.”

Quinn only sighed, but didn't say anything, even after the doctor and the nurse dismissed themselves from the room. He was more worried about falling behind on schoolwork and losing hours at work than he was about anything else the doctor said.

“Take a breath, babe.” Michael told him, knowing how he could get about things like this. “I'm sure your teachers will understand, they'll probably give you an extension.” Gently he rubbed his thumb over Quinn's forehead and smiled, he was so relieved that Quinn was alive.

“I already called your boss too and he just wants you to focus on getting better.”

Quinn closed his eyes for a moment and let out another exhale. His pain was starting to morph into more than just an ache, but the doctor had just asked him and he'd said he was fine. There was no need to call them back in now.

“I'm glad you're okay,” he murmured, settling back into his pillow. He'd do it again—protect his boyfriend—even if it meant taking the brunt of the attack. “I want a refund on our dinner date, though.”

That earned a light chuckle from Michael, but it died quickly as he could see that Quinn was in pain. “I'm glad you're alive too, tough guy, but I'm calling the nurse back in to give you pain medicine, I can tell you're uncomfortable!” He winked and slowly made his way out of the room, he held his ribcage and Quinn was able to see that Michael was wincing too.

Quinn wanted to pour himself a cup of water while Michael was out. He'd found the remote to control the incline of his bed, but the initial movement had not been kind on his abdomen. He was even paler now than when he'd first woken up, his shoulders quivering as he gripped the bed’s side rails.

He felt pretty pathetic, especially now that he realized he couldn't even sit up without a flash of pain, but he managed to stay upright, breathing labored, if only because moving to lay down again would bring back the pain that he was so desperate to try and quell on his own.

A nurse rushed in with Michael trailing slowly behind. It was the same nurse from before, “I knew you'd be wanting something for the pain sooner or later,” she said.

She carefully began setting up another bag of fluids and running it through to his IV line. “This should take the edge off, but it could make you a little loopy too.”

“I didn't want it—he did,” Quinn said, tilting his chin in Michael's direction. He told himself that the grimace on his face or the hard set of his jaw, or even the way his arms were draped protectively over his middle had absolutely nothing to do with his actually needing pain medicine.

The nurse was skeptical, a knowing smile on her face. This was obviously not the first time she'd dealt with stubborn patients. She finished pouring Quinn some water and helped him lay back down, sympathetic to the way he had to bite his lip to keep from crying out. The meds would take another few minutes to fully kick in.

“What time is it?” Quinn asked once the nurse had left him alone with Michael. His face had gone white, his brows knit as he tried to distract himself. “You should go home and get some rest.” The last thing he wanted was his boyfriend to see him like this.

“I'm not going anywhere! Jesus, Quinn, I thought I was going to lose you!” He took a deep breath closing his eyes. He couldn't believe Quinn was trying to push him away after what had just happened!

He took hold of his boyfriend's hand and kissed it with his slightly swollen, scabbed up lip to his skin.

“Please…I know you probably don't want me to see you weak like this, but Q, I don't think I could be away from you right now.” He admitted with a small whimper.

He'd already cried so much during Quinn's surgery and after when he didn't wake up right away. Quinn was safe now and he was still about to cry again.

“Sorry,” Quinn muttered, wincing as he tried to get comfortable. He felt guilty for trying to push Michael away, especially after everything that happened, but he felt even worse for getting them into this situation. As clever and romantic as Michael's gesture had been, Quinn knew he should have convinced them to take their food and eat it at home.

He knew how dark and secluded the campus could be at night, and sometimes unwanted company did hang out near the clinic during the really late hours, but Quinn had been so enamored with Michael and their little midnight picnic that he'd let it cloud all rational judgement.

It felt like only another moment before Quinn was pulled from his thoughts, blinking through his drug-induced haze. He'd been worrying his lower lip enough that now he tasted blood, and when he looked down, he realized he was squeezing Michael's hand just a little too tight. He loosened his grip immediately.

To his surprise, Michael's grip only tightened around his. Casually he swiped away a tear from his eye with his sleeve.

“You're gonna be okay now.” He said, leaning down and kissing him again, tears in his eyes.

“Are you crying?” Quinn asked dubiously. The medicine was already dragging at his eyelids, and when he reached up to thumb away Michael's tears, his movements were sluggish and uncoordinated. “Lay with me…”

Michael looked around, unsure if this was allowed - pretty sure it wasn't - but deciding he didn't care about getting in trouble, he just wanted to be with the man he loved. He carefully climbed into bed beside Quinn and curled up to his good side, trying not to flat out sob into Quinn's hospital gown. He was supposed to be the strong one right now, for Quinn, but all he could think about was how scared he had been and now how relieved he was. He just couldn't get himself calmed back down.

"I'm so sorry, Quinn…" he whimpered.

Quinn rubbed his back and played with the ends of his hair. His side throbbed from scooting over to accommodate Michael, but right now his boyfriend was scared and needed reassurance, and Quinn was more than willing to let him have it.

“Shhh, everything’s okay. It’s okay.” He felt tears dampening the side of his gown. “Hey, what's wrong? You're shaking like a rabbit,” he said deliriously. He smoothed back Michael's hair, trying to force his boyfriend to look at him. Quinn's eyes were glazed and heavy-lidded from the medication, but the concern on his face was real.

Michael sat up to look at him, struggling to speak. "You al-almost d-died!" He managed to force the 2words out but he was still trembling and he'd started to sob again. His face reddened from the force of attempting to hold his emotions at bay.

"I-it's all m-my f-fault!" He dropped back down against Quinn's side, unable to hold himself up any more. He did it slowly though, gentle enough not to hurt his poor boyfriend. He felt guilty for Quinn having to calm him down but with all his anxiety in general and everything that had happened? He was a mess!

Quinn didn't react immediately. His ability to process information was sluggish and he blinked dazedly before Michael's words truly set in.

“No…” he started. His tongue felt heavy and swollen in his mouth, and he wished he weren't so out of it. His slurred speech probably wasn't doing Michael's guilt any favors. “‘S not your fault. I got—I got there first. Would have hurt you instead. ‘M glad it was me.”

Even as he spoke, absently rubbing Michael's arm because he barely had the strength to lift his own off the bed, he was only vaguely aware that his words were jumbled and nonsensical. Somehow, they made sense in his head, but came out all wrong when he spoke them aloud.

Despite his poor word choice, Michael started to relax slightly and that made Quinn feel better about what he'd said.

Michael continued to cry and whimper but it was slowing down and his shaking was beginning to slow as well. Soon enough his breath began to even out, and Quinn could tell he was falling asleep.

Quinn let out a sigh, wincing at the twinge of pain at his side. He was glad Michael was getting some rest, but his body was an added weight against Quinn's and it made him a little uncomfortable. Still, with the medicine pumping through his veins, the pain was tolerable for now, and it was only another handful of minutes before Michael's rhythmic breathing, warmth, and general closeness had Quinn slipping into slumber as well.