#ive been working on this for months tbh but i havent got the energy to finish it the way i wanted

[sheepydwagondraws]

Artfight Week 1

Been trying really hard to dedicate time to working on pieces for AF this year, and I'm really enjoying it! I love drawing silly little guys <3 I should do trades more after this is over lol

Featured Characters:

Hum, owned by @kowtownart

Vista, owned by @cupidtxt & Spammail, owned by me :3

Addision, owned by @gehega

Brandy, owned by Windwaken (on AF/dA/TH) & Spamton, owned by Toby Fox lol

Rocco, owned by @lighterium

Kelby, owned by @hannah--bug

[inevitablestars]

HEY LINDS this is my Official Attempt to sway you towards perciver i hope you like it and that it doesnt turn you off them forever, now first off!

general relationship potential:

percy and oliver are in the same year and as far as we know they are the only boys in gryffindor in their year which makes them not only roommates but also the only boys in their room. for seven years.

percy is incredibly misunderstood by his whole family pretty much always, they all avoid him or are rude to him or just misunderstand him completely. with oliver's proximity its very likely hes the first person ever in percys life to properly observe him and understand him!!!

percy is the most career driven singleminded ambitious motherfucker in gryffindor.... second only to oliver!!! who is the most quidditch obsessed bitch on this planet and arguably has more solid career goals of anyone in that entire series. they are hyperfocused! they are girlbossing! they are not getting a wink of sleep bc they both get so lost in their work they forget what time is!

classic jock/nerd combo except oliver is a jock who is secretly a nerd (think of all the quidditch stats!!) and percy is a nerd who is secretly a jock (percy is a master spellcaster and nobody can convince me otherwise, that man fought multiple death eaters on his own at the battle of hogwarts and you do not get that kind of skill from just sitting behind a desk)

idk theres honestly a lot of directions one could take them but theyve just got so much chemistry and so much in common but also different and theyve got so much potential

(in my head they are the definition of autism/adhd solidarity but i know that not everyone hcs them that way which is cool too)

now for fic recs!!!

Twenty-nine - 85k - Endrina

percy weasley-centric fic that is honestly one of the most creative interpretations of him ive ever read, it goes deep into his past and his canonic decisions and stuff but theres a twist to it that is just gold, also its a whodunit where oliver's been framed for murder and only percy knows hes innocent its very very good and definitely played a huge part in me falling in love w percy's character

A New Life - 89k - AnotherAuthor, myroaringtwenties

percy and oliver meet post-war and help each other get their lives moving forward again, its very well written and very sweet but mind the tags its kinda heavy at points, it doesnt shy away from how hard the war was on everyone but the community that the weasleys and the quiddich players have is very warm and i love it

At least he has great abs - 12k - Irisen

this one is a cute shorter nonmagic soulmate au where oliver is a famous footballer and percy is a politician and they end up being soulmates, its very funny and light and i just enjoy it

(also i am technically writing a perciver fic rn its called Rely On Me and the first two chapters are up on ao3 but its my first fic attempt and i havent updated it all summer bc Life so pls dont feel obligated to read it i just felt like it would be weird if i didnt mention it)

anyway! i hope you enjoyed this if nothing else and if you read these or find other perciver fics or just wanna talk about em lmk bc i am always down to talk perciver i love them with my whole heart and soul <3

josephine hello. is this from literally ten months ago? perhaps it is. but i'm here now.... you mentioned perciver earlier and it reminded me that this has been sitting in my inbox for SO LONG

alright let's get into this

• iconic of them to be alone in a dorm for seven years together that already screams soulmates

• you're so right these two get their minds set on something and they're going to get it they're going to achieve whatever they want (tbh i already think they should put that energy toward like Getting Together but i distress)

• nerd jocks! a slay tbh

• i see the autism adhd thing i get it

• i also think like yeah i agree they have a lot in common when you dig into them but from one glance it's like ? these two? really? but then you see who they are at their core and it's like oh of course how could you think anything else (i have a lot of characters and dynamics that this sorta concept applies to i get it)

also love the inclusion of fic recs which i will check out when i am back to reading <3 consider myself convinced (it did not take much you already convinced me by just sending this ask)

[undeadyetalive]

5 months!! on testosterone and 27 days till my mastectomy

some things ive noticed in the last month:

-still pain in my throat from the voice changes, both randomly and when i overuse or raise it.

-the hair on my chest is also getting longer and thicker, cant call it chest hair yet, but its doing something

-the hair on my sideburns and chin is slowly becoming thicker and more visible

-ive been exersizing again cause i really couldnt keep waiting till i got more energy again, because t has been making me really tired. also my surgery results are better when i work out my chest so thats a really good motivator. ive noticed my stamina improving faster and especially my legs have been getting slimmer (?) i think. i did have the most horrible backpain the first weeks but its gone now.

-my mental health has really been improving, i survived a really stressful exam week mentally better than i ever have i think.

also im just so excited for my top surgery, i already bought new pj's with buttons in the front so i can actually dress myself after surgery. these small preperations just bring me so much joy. i cant wait. im curious how my body will respond given ive never had surgery before, but were just gonna have to find that out.

the only downside is that i cant get piercings in the meantime cause i gotta take all my piercings out for surgery and i dont want a hurting piercing and chest. its better tbh my industrial and eyebrow still havent completely healed.

the 29th i have a call with my surgeon about the specific technique i want and am getting so ill update after that!!

[nerevarbean]

vibes

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

Me chanting to myself: "one more day. Just one more day, you can do it"

[dad-friend]

ok maybe this is batshit but like,,,, i cant stop thinking about how cool itd be if wwx could like,,,,,, dissolve into the smokey black resentful energy and then re-solidify????? like i literally couldnt sleep last night bc i was thinking about this. also i want to make wwx talk through his trauma bc he needs it and also it would literally fix everything. also sorry this post is so long, this is pt. 1

so, like, outside of the obvious implications about what that means for whether or not he survived being thrown in the burial mounds the first time, it could also change the plot a ton?????

assume he knows he can do this, but refrains from using it (at least noticeably) during the sunshot campaign for whatever reason (doesnt want to worry people, doesnt ever need to, was about to when wrh was choking him but jgy killed him in time, etc.). we get all the way to the one month celebration for jin ling’s birth, and instead of walking w wen ning, wei wuxian decides to go by himself by just flying as smoke. this way he can get there faster&as the crow flies, but wn can still be at the burial mounds for protection. he goes straight to koi palace, not having to follow roads or anything, just landing outside and walking in like hes supposed to be there (which, i mean, he Is, but that doesnt stop jgy from internally screaming a bit more than normal).

so, theres like a pre-party time???? like theyre all together, but jin zixuan isnt here so they havent Properly started the event yet. jiang yanli is ecstatic to see wwx, jiang cheng is also thrilled but they have to keep up The Charade so they just kind of like,,,,,, glare at each other while making weird faces. theres a weird vibe happening. lan wangji is relieved and as desperately pining as always, but everyone else thinks hes just j chillin next to lan xichen. wwx is going on and on about how he adores jin ling as he and jyl catch up

jgs and jgy, as well as most folsk present tbh, are def eavesdropping. now theres a few ways this could play out

lwj slides in w “and how is a-yuan?” wwx is like, shocked that lwj cares enough to ask or remember the kid’s name, but he laughs it off and goes “oh, hes doing good. [enter anecdote about him planting the kid, granny&wen qing making him do laundry]” understandably at this point, someone asks who “a-yuan” is, and lwj deadpans “wwx’s son, he birthed him himself.” obviosuly wwx barely manages to say “exactly! lan zhan remembered!” before he dies laughing. everyone else is Wildly confused&concerned

jiang yanli asks how wwx is doing in the burial mounds, and wwx is like, “its much better than it was! the wens and i are trying to grow crops, we’ve succeeded w radishes - i wanted potatoes but wen qing wont let me, you can ask lan zhan, he heard her - and lotuses! uncle four makes some killer alcohol, and most of us arent in a state to be drinking much but thats yet to stop anyone but granny” & etc.

either way, ppl start asking question. most of them are along the lines of “whos old enough for you to call them granny?” or “tHERES A CHILD IN THE BURIAL MOUNDS???????” or “how did you purify so much of the place”. wwx just tells them, in what is miraculously both a laughing and “duh” tone, that “of course theyre all elders and a little kid? the only folks i could save were the ones who hadnt been worked to death and wen ning, who was a Special case? i told yall that?” theres a good bit of disbelief, but lan zhan steps in and agrees and i mean,,,,, whos gonna accuse hanguang-jun of lying????

but before anyone can get any real questions in, jyl jumps in w an Incredibly distressed “how are you feeding&protecting that many ppl if so few can work?” wwx cant lie to her, but he can weasel out of this one bc she looks Disapproving&Concerned and he knows she wont let him get away w it this time, so he answers w a more in-character version of “well, short answer is we’re not. long answer is,,,,, ive been in the burial mounds before, this isnt half as bad as last time, we’ve got things growing now, and we’re just doing what we can”

this cycles the conversation back too, “well how did you get stuff to grow, howd you purify that much land?????” bc the sect leaders dont want to Think About Guilt or something, idk. wwx welcomes the distraction, laughs it off, and goes “who says its purified????”

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[cheswirls]

the more i think abt it the more im realizing that im probably jus burnt out. like. ive written so much since school got out in may and now its been over a month easy and i rly havent taken any break at all?? and thats been fine and all bc i rly havent been able to write like this in such a long time. i stopped seriously doing anything in january last year and had my wrist surgery in may and went back to school at the end of july so like. giving myself a month to recoup from surgery shortens that window even less, i rly didnt write hardly anything all last year. the most was in april after i had that steroid shot but even then i think i tried to give my hand a break. and then between semesters i rly didnt do a whole lot writing-wise bc i was just exhausted Period. 

needless to say all of this is basically me proving that i havent had free time + energy + physical ability to write like this in so long and now all of it is catching up to me. like its not that im not having fun im jus Tired. im at the point where everything is so much work, and when i look back i feel like everything ive done is trash, and its rly taking a toll on me bc im not giving myself space to breathe. 

which is why i think i need to jus. stop. for a minute. i’d like to wrap up these few things that have been on hold for a while but i need a hard break for a minute. like its not that writing is stressful or anything rn its jus all ive been doing and even if im not consciously aware of it i am getting tired of it. which. id rather avoid at all costs tbh.

so um. this is longer than intended im jus rambling to myself at this point. i think after this week is finished im gonna unbox this display tablet ive had since march and work on artfight refs and do other things other than Write until july hits. and then see if things get better from there

[nothing1995]

the main issue is ! that there are many issues! like....

1. its autumn/going into winter and i have since the tender age of liek 15 always always always got worse during winter like.. no matter what i do no matter the SAD lamps the WINTER SUN holidays.... i always jsut slow down i sleep n eat more i just feel lower sadder slower and like... if i was settled into a job im comf in and earning ite money this winter might be manageable cause im truly changed from last year and even year before that.... i can do sobriety now mostly.... however!!!! autumn/winter have come at the worst time because!!

2. I start my new job in 2 weeks which is gonna involve.... being on top form every day for at least a month.... meeting new ppl... remmebering things... being able to do things... ive never had a proper job liek this and esp one thats in the career i want to do so like.... im terrified! oh and only now it hit me... kinda excited i guess cause like... it might also be fun?? bc its what i wanna do ... interesting... but mainly. terrifying and i hate it and i wish i got it like start of summer when i was a fuckin... maniac with 1000% energy ... im v scared imma fuck it up or idk? jsut hate it? or not fit in or like whateve,r ... and i had non eof these fears in the summer cause guess what bitch i thought i was the SHIT and now am like ://// and this might be due to!

3. this stupid fucking break up with this emotionally stunted.... angry moody tterrible caricature of masculinity that i wasted like... 1.25 months on and left me feeling just kinda err shit about myself self conchesly even tho consciously i realise like.... im still good and itnersting and attractive but he er. made me feel not that ... but tbh i had the self esteem to acc leave him and thats kinda saying something... but also he fucked my fucking MONEY UP!! because!!

4. i had jsut started sugaring when i met him and was tbh happy with my arrangement and was having good emotionally unattached sex and not worrying about food or money or emotions and then i fuckijng had to cut my SD off bc this bitchass wanted to be excluuuuusive even tho tbh i never did and now i gotta like. go crawling back to my sd like i tbh told him i would but ive gained weight bc of SAD so i need to lose some weight before going back and like... tbh im rly not in emotionally stable state to go back rn feel like im on verge of breakdown all the time and wanna drink badly and also really badly not wanna drink and its all v hard because !!! its all !!! just small reasons when compared to the main reason everything is so hard!!!!!! 

literally how do u cope when ur bro is in the icu and you thought mb he’s getting better cause he was doing better on friday and stable on saturday but u phone the hosp this morning and he’s got a lung infection and the icu doc speciically said he sees a full recoery unless something out of the blue happens and then boom this happens!!! i was on the bus to work already p miserable and then that phone call and it was like... i kept welling up to cry and then just couldnt like id just choke i been crying for a couple days but i havent cried today and i can feel it already fucking me up but i honestly cant....... cry any more !!! i’m upping my sert dose a lil bit for the seasonal blues but also bc otherwise i might lose my damn mind lmfao 

one thing tho is. im keep being like wow err im really not emotionally mentally equipped to handle this like.. i was just about coping with it being winter and starting anew job and a break up from a kinda ... not to use the word but toxic relationship.... like iw as kinda ok...... unsteady and awkwar dbut ok. and then this stupid hospitalisation came and just!!! rocked my damn world!!! like it truly is .... how poor ppl can just about get by as long as nothing crazy happens... mental ppl and addicts who are doing better in general can jsut about get by with day to day hard things without like. something major happening.. cause noahfence this series of events would knock even a normal person down so like..... me... a humble addict borderline........ feels like i have v low chances.... and i think internalising that self-defeating language isn’t helping things and imma try be more upbeat tomorrow..... this is just... the sunday night talking hopefully... tho tbh i been sad for like.. 2 weeks now ... and dissociation level/super sad/mental since thursday so ! lets hope for some HOPE!

[thetotalfailure]

im not trash

but i certainly feel like it

i havent journaled or blogged in months

i feel sad about that tbh, not that i would really go back and read through, but i bought a journal specifically because i thought i would fill it out by the end of the year

i suppose i could just do what i used to do back in high school and just write as much of the year as i can remember in the span of a few days

like a weird vent

i hate being a sentimental bitch sometimes.

and

ive been stressed out the past week over how little. motivation isnt really a good word anymore i think. neither discipline. just. energy? no energy to work on my classwork

i can’t just stop judging myself i guess. everyone says be nicer to yourself but. that’s hard. almost like my brain is hardwired to do that

but at least i finally got a prescription. which im. afraid? worried? something. im something about it

i wanted to write more but i lost steam and what little energy i had. back to doomscrolling

[verngyu-moved]

its the last month of 2017, and i wanted to make a special post to a few people i’ve met this year, and just express my gratitude. this was originally part of my follow forever, but i felt like it deserved its own post since i tend to ramble ◑.◑ my apologies to everyone mentioned in this since it’s kinda long + a lot of ppl are mentioned hdjfkgkdfl

amanda @beautifulshuas - amanda!! im really glad the time we had that suddenly super deep convo that u didnt feel like i was intruding on anything hahah. it was nice sharing that experience with u (but also sucky bc it’s not a good experience) and i look forward to more 1 am conversations about shitty relationship situations lmaooo

jennie @boosonseok - no offense but ur shitposts are the best thing in the entire fandom lbr, and i enjoy seeing a lot of divaboo on my dash, since he is like my little brother. i appreciate ur shadiness (u kno the time) and shoutout to the california bay area heheheh ＼(≧∇≦)/＼(≧∇≦)/

bonnie @cafewoozi - i think ive said this like 6 times but bonnie u!! are!! an angel!! i really appreciate all the help and advice you gave me this yr. u only say nice things abt ppls’ work and i still cant fathom that u actually....like....take time out of ur day to put smth nice on each post u reblog,,,, i can barely tag ppls names ??? a n g e l

kelsey @chanyoel - i lov eu thank u for putting up with w me yelling abt mingyu. u were the first person i converted to kpop.......bless. ur also one of the 5 ppl i actually text everyday (≧◡≦) u stick up for me, listen to me, and cry w me (its always bc of svt tho), thanks for being an amazing friend !!! also sorry for slacking off on @/ing u in jun posts..........i have the urge to @/you whenever i see him just kno that

sophia @gemhui - sorry i havent messaged u on tumblr much lately but ur still one of my best friends on this hellhole. weird to think we met thru another blog entirely when ur icon was scoups of ice cream and i messaged u abt it lololol thanks for being encouraging and so sweet all the time the world doesnt deserve u╰(◡‿◡✿╰) ps ur gay ashgdfjkldf

dana @jishua - dana m’luv thanks for letting me rant to u, ur rly one of the easiest ppl to talk to im so mad i waited so long to get to kno u, ur sense of humor is a+, u always have something positive to say, n ur also a #fellowcapricorn whaddup. remember the time i stayed up til 5 to watch the clap mv w u??? goOD TIMES.

jiyoon @jeonheart - jiyoon thank u for helping me learn how to gif stage performances, it prob seems like such a minor thing but it means a lot to me since i’d been trying to for abt a yr. u approached me and u didnt have to do that, and its very rare to see random acts of kindness on tumblr so i just wanted to thank u again ^^ i hope life is bein kind to u and ur in good health!!

stella @jeonqhcn - stella idk if youll see this but i hope school is going alright for u :( ur super smart (srsly) and really kind, ps jeonghan misses u (mingyu tells me jeonghan asks if you’ve said anything 2 me abt him) hope we get to talk more soon!!

adelin @pabospoiler - adelin its always a pleasure talking to u, esp when its about #tumblrstuff, since its nice to relate to someone else about being a content creator and the pros and cons of it. pls keep making ur stuff bc it is really good :( and u may not already kno this, but tbh, u are The™ Soonseok Gifmaker..............its u, bro.

renata @powerfulhoshi - u are one of the most encouraging ppl on here, ur full of nothing but positive light and energy.......u always make me feel less heavy when i talk to u, its refreshing. ur also one of the most under-appreciated content creators in this fandom,,,, wtf....im salty.....but im sure in 2018 u will be greeted w nothing but success and admiration !! bejos to u  (♥◡‿◡♥)

emmy @shuvee - emmy u are uber talented and uber intelligent!! i was not expecting to be ur friend considering u are Ultra Coole™ but its interesting talking about really serious stuff and bitching abt college :////, i didnt rly expect to ever talk to u......so im still in shock tbh. and to think this whole friendship was started bc i didnt know a ship name (wasnt it junshua)???? iconic

steffi @soonsyoung - stef idk i hope youll see this, but ik this yr has not been the greatest, but i love u i love u i love u. sorry for swerving down soonyoungs lane that 1 time. when things got shitty for me after everything that happened u were there for me, so just kno i will always be there 4 u, i miss u on here, but school is def more important and this site lowkey sucks lmao

rina @wonnwoo - !!!!! quite literally the wonwoo to my mingyu, the person who sees my ugliness and still ???? decides??? to stick w me ???? an angel. u give me the best gifts (u think im talking about the teen,age album but im rly talking about the **** and ****** recs). i will continue to better myself for the sake of u, so i can be strong for u, and help u when u need it. im #tsundere as u kno, so i apologize again if i seem cold i just jkdfglsdf have too many fluffy feelings to handle them correctly. i am also drafting a special w*nw** sm*t 4 u if u must kno

[alicedoessurveys]

all the -cals

Biological What physical traits have you inherited from your father? I dont know.. ive been told a lot that i look like my dad but I dont know what specific features. 

How about your mother? same again, ive been out with my mom before and complete strangers have told me how much I have my mothers face 

Do you have any children? no

What are your parents names? Keith and Stacey

What personality traits do you wish your children would inherit from you? kindness 

Medical

How many surgeries have you had? one, when I was like 2 years old because my appendix burst 

Do you have a doctor that you see regularly? nope. used to but he retired and Im supposed to still go regularly but I aint about that life 

Do you have health insurance? Nope

What are some medical issues you’re currently dealing with? thyroid condition

Why did you last take pain medication? period pain

Geographical

Where are you, right now? on the sofa

What country were you born in? england 

Where were you raised for most of your life? England 

What parts of the world are your ancestors from? England and I think some in Australia 

What’s the closest major city to your hometown? Birmingham is like 20 minutes away, I have to drive there most days for theatre rehearsals 

Zoological What is your favorite animal? I could literally watch meerkats all day. I find them so entertaining and weirdly relaxing to watch  

Do you have any pets, and if so, what kind and what are their names? 2 dogs; Tina & Calypso (she was named that when we got her but we call her Cali). 2 cats; Tiggi & Sammi but I call them Tig & Sam

Have you ever had a strange pet, outside of the normal animals people keep? nope

When was the last time you went to the zoo? last year

What’s the last wild animal you’ve seen in person? I dont know.. I mean, a fox ran out in front of my car the other day if that counts 

Psychological Do you have any mental disorders? anxiety disorder

Do you take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds? I used to but I came off them because they were doing nothing for me. also the side effects when I forgot to take them (which was way too often) were awful, and taking them meant I couldnt take certain pain killers that I need

When is the last time you saw a therapist or psychologist? years ago

What do you tend to think about the most, throughout the day? certain someone 

Would you consider yourself paranoid or delusional? paranoid yes

Astrological Do you believe in astrology? nope What is your star sign? Gemini

When’s the last time you read a horoscope and it actually came true? never

What are your best friends’ signs? Nick is a Leo, Rhys and Addison are Libras 

Do you think people act differently when there’s a full moon? I havent noticed 

Physical Would you consider yourself to be in shape? no

When’s the last time you went for a walk or went jogging? I walk a lot, I jog never 

What is your favorite work out? dance 

How many times have you had sex in the past month? 0

Do you play any sports? No

Environmental Do you recycle? yes

Do you drive an electric car? nope

What are your opinions on global warming? I dont have any opinions 

Does your country use solar energy or wind power at all? yes, both I think 

What do you do to make the world around you more environmentally friendly? not enough tbh

[a-confused-shake]

so, this week has been really moody. ive been on my period, but idk i feel like thats not it because i finished my period two days ago and ive still been feeling moody. today feels relatively better - but idk we’ll see. ill explain my week since it feels really hectic and i feel really distant from him. 

monday i ended up skipping an orgo class, which felt wrong to me since im not really good at orgo and i shouldve gone, but there was the wedding and i wanted to be present for that. i was really tired at the end of the wedding and i got cranky. we came home and i called him and we were on call while preparing for wonderland, which i was really excited for and wanted to be excited with him for. 

tuesday we went to wonderland, which was really nice. i enjoyed my time - except for some rides they made my head really hurt and i literally felt like throwing up. but i wanted to keep going since i didnt want to make a scene in front of his friends, or take away from his fun. i know i did get tired really early, and when i was tired i didnt want to be affectionate. which i can understand translated to me seeming unexcited to be around him. but honestly i got really tired, and i couldnt really control my energy level. like i was exhausted and i wanted to be home after a while - but i genuinely was having a good time spending the day with zain. i dont know, its whatever i guess. 

then wednesday i spent the day recovering from wonderland, and i think he had work. i went to toronto that night for the saba university open house, and i felt really anxious and wanted to talk to him about it and i let him know that i wanted to call and talk to him about it. he decided to chill w his brother and make other plans instead, although he did acknowledge wanting to call and all that. i know i made a lot of it up in my head. so then i made an issue of it at night, because honestly in the end im just scared that things are changing. we got into a big fight and apologized and all that. 

thursday we called in the morning and we talked it through. and thursday was relatively dead, since i had cars but i felt relatively low since zain and i had the argument - i studied a little idk. i feel like i did something thursday but i cant really remember. this was the night he called me and told me that he felt as though my low energy level was a problem, he said that he expected to have more fun as wonderland and he didnt because of my energy level and that he constantly felt like he had to match my level. he said he thought calls and texts were more important to me than hanging out - which is really untrue, i guess i just express it in a different way. maybe i have to get used to the idea that he wont text me as often anymore, because things are changing so much and we’re so busy. but that makes my heart hurt so much and i feel like theres a wall between us and we’re not connected anymore. 

friday i went to the escape room with family friends. i remember feeling like he was really mia , but he was probably just giving me space since i was busy. 

saturday was sams party, and i really didnt enjoy it for a lot of reasons. one of them was that it reminded me of second year - with the music and the alcohol and all that i wasnt very comfortable. second, the people i didnt really know and i just felt like i couldnt really connect with - i just feel like we all have such a disconnect of values, i dont know how he is friends with them. another was that his closeness with sam, im not comfortable with it. i used to not be comfortable with his closeness with malaika and soofia and suha and all that, but i met them and connected with them so i dont feel that way anymore. with sam i havent really had that connection so it feels really off and i dont really like it. 

saturday night we had the objective discussion about our feelings where we talked about how we should call without worry and that if im low on energy i need to let him know so he can not worry about me and just enjoy with his friends - that discussion made me feel better. but i dont think it was because of the content but rather because for the first time in MONTHS we had replied to eachother consistently and had a meaningful conversation that expressed that we cared about eachother. i miss that so much. despite not worrying about calls and texts, i do worry. i dont know why im not secure in the relationship, and i dont know if its a personal thing or the fact that hes inconsistent with wanting to talk to me. but whatever it is, i dont know how to fix it. we decided that we just straight up wont talk about our feelings as much anymore and think before we bring it up so that its objective communication instead of subjective and filled with feelings. but again, because of this ive stopped myself - and ive been depressed so many days. and i feel this wall is growing. 

sunday we didnt get to call because we were both really busy i was at niagra with my family and he had family friends over for some pool party. 

monday i was busy in classes, that was the first day i felt a little okay - because i was being productive. but again there was this heavy feeling when it comes to him. 

yesterday, tuesday, he stopped texting me in the middle when we were talking about something intimate and he left for half an hour - and i dont know man. i feel like i would never be able to do that, i never want to make the other person feel inadequate. and i so wanted to discuss this with him - but i decided not to since we said we arent going to talk about our feelings anymore. but im really struggling. i love him so much and i dont want to lose him, but i dont know how to deal with these changes. calling every night is something that is important to me and i thought we both enjoyed, but ever since he brought up the fact that those calls arent enjoyable for him sometimes and not essential for him sometimes - every single call feels like a huge deal and i feel like im on some timer. ive tried to call randomly too and just get over that feeling, but it doesnt help that he wants to leave within half an hour. theres none of that i want to stay with you and talk to you anymore, it feels like a forced check in.  i realized that im just going to have to get used to this distant feeling tbh, since he doesnt really want to talk about it and hes so clearly very secure and content with the way things are. 

i have plans to see him today, and im nervous out of my mind that i wont be enough. 

[smireyac]

yea boi u already kno what it issssss 🍾🎆🎉🍾🎆🎉

hey so i started writing this at 8 o’ clock so i would be ahead of the game and actually have more than an hour to write but HEY its already 20 after midnight so who the eff care amiright ladies

WOOOOO 🍾🍾🎆 🎉 🎆 🍾 🎉 🎉 🍾 🍾 🍾 🎆🎆 🎆 🎉 🎆 🎉🍾 🎉 🍾🎆 🎉

so.................... its 2019.....................

i watched vox’s “2018 in 5 minutes” video and cried so thats how this year has been :^) a lot of lows......... we always think we leave the shittiest year behind then lo.............. the next year rears its ugly head and we never learn............ despite this, im gonna try to keep a positive outlook on the new year......... its literally just another day and i have to be in at work @ 9 tmrw but its what ever im already super fucking tired whats losing another hour of sleep anywahy?? its practically expected of me any way what with being a youth,,, ANYWAY i spent my time ringing in the new year watching spiderman homecoming so i think that wa sGREAt its also great  that im gonna get to see spiderverse AGAIN tmrw after work so SUCK ON THAT im ringing in the new year RIGHT!! its a very spidey new year and i wouldnt have it any other way heh.....

alright

so its time.... to reflect...........

and actually reflect this time last year was weak sauce compared to the first year “im too unfocused right now happy new year or whatever” *scoffs* what r u too good for self reflecting now a days huhh

been doing a lot of self reflecting this year,,,,,, but today we will look back on how the previous years have gotten me to where i am today...

if 2016 was the year of change and 2017 was the year of getting used to things.............. 2018 felt like............ the year of getting TOO used to things, of not ENOUGH change............. like alright i scratched a few of the bigger things on my yearly “to do” list/resolutions, i. e. finally going back to school and getting a job at the library, but like.......... i definitly dont feel like i did enough........... my art game was SO WEAK and i feel like i wrote less than 10,000 words ALL YEAR (not counting my academic papers) i didnt really CREATE anything this i dont have ANYTHING significant to show for this year............and to get more negative i didnt even make any friends all year NONE FRIENDS im only *just* starting to get more friendly with people at the library thank GOD theyre nice and gave my shy ass a chance to open up but i still dont feel like ill make FRIEND friends theyre just work friends and u kno what thats making me so pissed bc its tricking my dumb ass into thinking i have a crush on someone at work aND that i want a *romantic* relationship with them!!! OUTRAGEOUS im so peeved.......................... i also still havent gotten behind a wheel but at this point im not sure if i will anytime soon bc im That Way..... grrrr im just mad thinking of all the things i didnt do so motherfucker i will make 2019 the year of DOING!!!! and i had so many resolutions last year i feel like the more i had the less i felt like i had to do them, like i was just saying all that to be like “oh wouldnt it be nice if any of these things happened lmao” so yeah 2019: the year of DOING... and since ive kinda sorta figured out that writing is my thang.... i think i wanna focus on doing that.. and anything that will help me do it

SO: #GOALS for 2K19

-WRITE AT LEAST 50.000 WORDS U COWARD, more than just “brainstorming” too bc thats like a cop out, write like stories or dialogue or scenes or scripts or WHATEVER just make it to 50,000 pls some people do that in like a month

-READ UR GOD DAMN BOOKS, u *cant* buy anymore if u dont read the ones u’ve already bought,,,, im willing to make an acception re: checking things out from the library................ but u rlly shouldnt IT WOULD’VE BEEN SO EASY TO WIN THE BET DUDE srsly..... maybe .... an hour b4 bed ? try to read ? at least try to read once a week dude....

-heres a curve ball WATCH MORE MOVIES !!! u say u love film well fuckin act like u do...... u only went to the movie theater 5 times all year and three of those were all in the last month to go see spiderverse, more than that HOW MANY movies are there on netflix that u see and go “oh i should watch that finally” or “people say thats rlly good bro” and u scroll right past to watch the same 3 fuckin movies i s2g

-oh yeah back to the writing thing, to reach that 50,000 goal u should write about what you read and watch, there u’ll prob meet the goal b4 summer if u do that bro but....u actually gotta do it....................

ok those r the 4 im REALLY gonna work on and try to keep track of in either of the journals sien got me :^) these next few i rlly want to happen but..... we’ll see

-make some friends pls.... pls be more friendly......... ENGAGE  people when u have the opportunity askQUESTIONS about them like if they have a dog or a hobbie jesus h christ

-go out..... on ur own..... do stuff............by urself if u have to... go to the movies by urself go to a park, walk around down town for the fuck of it idk DO STUFF

-finish something............ for once in ur miserable life...................................... finish the vlog or the scrapbook..... or the reading list or this set of goals PLEAsE ANYTHING

im not even gonna put draw/art blog related stuff on here bc........ its not what i want........ like i love drawing and i dont think im terrible at it, im at a good place with it but i dont wanna put my energy this year into drawing stuff for the sake of me being able to say “i did it” like...... last yr and the yr b4 i rlly RLLY wanted to get better at art to idk prove that i could?? but like i havent picked up my drawing tablet in months ... that makes me really sad but i dont really feel like picking it up either? ? i said i wanted to take a painting/color theory/ life drawing class maybe i will this yr and it’ll reinvigorate my love of drawing........ tbh spiderverse got me *this close* to being pumped about art and animation and like yeah i still am, i love the medium and its still a dream of mine to be apart of it but it feels like a pipe dream if i try to go thru the art angle........ so many people r better than me at that and its not really what i wanna do,,, i wanna CREATE STORIES and worlds and characters and like i used my art to help *me* develop those but... i dont wanna use my art to do it for someone else i guess............. the art of animation itself still facsinates me so they door isnt close yet but,,, i wanna focus on the other aspect of myself that im more and at the same time LESS confident about lmao WRITING like alright,,, i think im a good writer .... sorta ? like yeah people tell me i am and sometimes when i look back on things ive written im like “dAMN i wrote this ???” but like,,,, there are some things to writing that still. escape me... like poetry.... and a lot of other aspects to it that i cant describe write now bc it would take too long and im getting cold and tired SO YEAH hopefully this english class will help me, even tho its just writting for college essays, i need to start somewhere and if shes rlly as good of a professor as rate my professor says then ill learn smthg new

where was i

well the year wasnt ALL bad, like i said i got the job at the library i wanted and FINALLY got to go to school, stressful as that mightve been........ and i got to see my love, my darling, the light of my life rhys again for one glorious week,, hopefully ill be able to see more of my friends this year? either in miami or milwuakee idc which MAYBE BOTH lmao im not that rich but hey i can dream,,,

alright its 1:12am i think im ready to sign off,,,,,,,,, here’s to DOING in 2019

🥂 cheers