#ive cried way too much today over them

[1980ssunflower]

I miss & need them both so badly...

[flovverworks]

brief pt2 spoilers, but i was thinking about the first few chs of pt2 again. partly cuz whenever i rmbr "the wizards transformed into girls one time & kids another time cuz they dislike vincent" it makes me laugh. i saw fanart of akira w kid!wizards and went haha thats cute, then i read the chapter. u can imagine my surprise

but it always gets me thinking about the following conversation of 'the wizards will behave this time right' 'uhhhhh......probably...?' 'sir sage they Have to behave' 'well if vincent was nice to them theyd be nice back...' + how those chs especially was very..."these ppl thinks akira can control the wizards" (not only the ppl akira ends up speaking directly with, but also general ppl w power that akira cant reach), when akira (multiple times) has reiterated how while they do wish the northern wizards could get along they realize they have their own experiences and cant force them to do something (+feeling somewhat bad they have to live at the manor together). they dont want to do that already, but they also realize that ummm good luck with that frankly. so it just ends up like a lil "haha u sure do think so" to me whenever its brought up ppl r worried "who" has the power of oz & mithra, when its like......ya they do go along with things akira asks of them (more so in the case of oz), but those have always been relatively smaller scale things?! + if the command line went someone -> akira -> oz/mithra i dont think theyd like that either LOLT_T (disregarding the topic of the sages books and symphony) its very much the. akira treating them like friends rather than some ulterior motive of making them do their bidding

->cue brads sages heart ch. they listen to the sages heart. which in turn makes me think again of those concepts where the last fight with the moon didnt go that badly->no one has a reason to stay together at the manor->akira probably only befriends the ppl there+arthur. like at the end of the day (to me !) it feels very, Because the situation is what it is, and Because akira takes care to listen to them, they end up building that trust. its all about love !!!!!! (akira nvr orders anyone either its always a question......

[jqmalikhsgib]

quest

nine

tik tok tik tok

the clock was definitely mocking you. waiting patiently for aaron to arrived while you sat across from the woman that was about to listen to you about your marriage, divorce, family, and more.

she just smiles at you. soon enough you sigh in relief when aaron walks into the room.

he clears his throat as he sits right beside you. “sorry im late.”

“that’s okay. shall we get started?”

aaron hums. “what brings you two in today?

the two of you look at one another. aaron was the first one to speak. telling the doctor your story. it made you uneasy when she just nods and writes down the information.

“how does that make you feel mister hotchner? finding out you have three other children that you didn’t know about?”

“in the beginning i was livid. knowing that she took two years away from knowing my children, our children! it made me angry. but i realized i was just angry at myself. i did this to us. i ruined that relationship.”

“how do you feel yn?”

“i feel guilty. maybe if i just—maybe if i just stayed and listen to reason none of this would have happened. i blame everything that happened in the last two years on myself. maybe then he wouldn’t have died.”

your biological father. aaron didn’t know you felt this way. you took all that blame. all that heartbreak that should have fallen on your dad. it wasn’t your fault. he needed you to know that this wasn’t your fault.

“darling, this isn’t your fault. none of this is on you. im sorry if i have ever made you feel like this was on you.”

“but you haven’t.”

“but i have though. ive been so short with you since you’ve been home. im not use to talking about how i feel.”

“why is that aaron?”

aaron turns to look at the doctor. he sighs. rubbing his hands onto his face.

“i would say it’s my job. that with what i do we always have to stay alert and keep how we personally feel aside. that may be the case but i think it’s deeper than that.”

“what do you mean?”

“growing up, my father, he wasn’t exactly a nice man. he would come home after working a case and he’d shut us down. verbally abusing us until we felt small and weak. he would call us that too if i recall. my mother was never really around. she didn’t really want children. my father was a traditional man though. marriage, kids, you name it. the physical abuse didn’t happen until he was sick. cancer. my mom would come back home just to take care of him. i assumed he felt emasculated. having his wife take care of him because he was getting weak by the day. so he took his anger out on sean and i. i took the most of it. not wanting my brother to suffer like that. if i showed any sighs of weakness while he hit me it’ll just make him angrier and hit harder. over time i became emotionless to his rage. that angered him even more. over time he—he was too weak to hurt a fly. my mother continued to take care of him while i took care of my brother. eventually my father died. we didn’t even have a proper funeral. just buried him next to my grandfather who beat him before because despite everything, that’s what he wanted. he still loved him. and in a way, i still loved my father. he was still my dad despite everything. but i showed no emotions. it’s not what he would have wanted. my brother on the other hand cried.”

“what about your mother?”

aaron scoffs. “she fell out of love with him the moment she married him. my father was known for cheating on my mom. she didn’t care much. she was different from my father. she grew up wealthy. only marrying my father because she got pregnant with me. her father forced them into marriage so she wouldn’t be labeled as the town whore and ruin their reputation. my father worked hard for his money. growing up lower middle class he had to. in a way my relationship with my mom was far worse than my father. at least my father showed some kind of affection. my mom was emotionless. only caring about her reputation and how she was perceived. i believe that’s why she took care of my father in the first place. instead of hiring someone to do it. so she could brag to her posh friends about how much of a great wife and mother she was.”

“is she still living today?”

aaron hums. “haven’t spoken to her since she met my late wife, haley. she didn’t like haley. never wanted me to marry her.”

“why’s that?”

“because—because she wasn’t as wealthy as us. she was middle class, haley. because of that my mother didn’t find her worthy. she didn’t want me to have a loveless marriage like hers. her words exactly. she doesn’t know a thing about my life. she doesn’t know about jack, haley’s passing, me getting remarried. nothing!”

“do you think she’d like yn?”

aaron avoids your eyes. he wanted to avoid the question altogether. he knew she wouldn’t. why is what pissed him off and made him feel ashamed.

“aaron?”

he clears his throat. “no.”

“and why not?”

“because—my mom wasn’t racist. not in the sense you would think. she never called anyone who was of color a slur. but she was raised to believe that you should marry your own kind of people. that mixing up your ‘values’ with others would only confuse your children in the end.”

you had no idea aarons mother was that way. only knowing the details he explained about his father. he never talked about his mom. now you understand why.

“aaron, i had no idea. why didn’t you tell me?”

“because i felt ashamed. ashamed of having her as a mother.”

“you shouldn’t feel that way though aaron. she doesn’t speak for you or for our kids.”

aaron holds your hand.

“listening to you both and hearing your family history, i think it’s safe to say that you, yn, you have a hard time listening to others. you’re so afraid to find out the truth because it could potentially hurt you. it’s why you stopped talking to your siblings in the end. you knew they knew something about your father. it’s why you ran when your biological father told you the truth. and it’s why you left aaron. you were afraid if he came home that night and you pressed him on the issue he would admit his feelings for his ex wife and leave you. it’s why you left first. you didn’t wanna face the reality that the one good thing in your life for the longest time would end.”

you look at aaron. knowing what she was saying was absolutely true.

“and you aaron, you’re afraid of being yourself. showing any emotion is a sign of weakness all because of your father. you also don’t wanna end up like him. to raise your kids that way. it’s why you most likely teach them it’s okay to express themselves. showing them that having emotions and feelings is part of being human. you have this fear that your marriage could fail again and maybe your mother was right. maybe mixing classes and culture could ruin a marriage. but it makes you feel guilty. one of the reasons why you pushed your first marriage away and tried to push your second marriage away.”

aaron grabs your hand. he gently rubs it. feeling all kinds of guilt with what the doctor states.

“but neither of you are seeing the reality of it all. you both willingly came to therapy because you want to fix this marriage. you want this to work out. not only for the kids. but also for yourselves. i noticed that the moment the both of you spoke. have you ever stopped to notice you’re both still wearing your wedding bands? and you still call each other husband and wife, despite being divorced for the last few years? it’s because a piece of paper doesn’t determine your love for one another. you two are still married and have been even with the separation.”

the two of you look at one another lovingly. you loved each other. despite the past, despite your childhood, despite the divorce, the drama! you loved him and he loved you.

i changed the story title and also made a playlist! each part will have a new song added to it. it will be titled the same as the song

anyway there is a tiny bit of a foreshadowing here so 👀

hoped you enjoyed

if you wanna be added or unadded to the taglist please let me know

taglist:

@ivebeenthearchersstuff @shergoretzxx @slut4ethan @rosiehale23 @madesavage05 @whotfskai @vodkori @zaddyhotch @14buddy22

[the-s1lly-corner]

Hello! Merry Chirtmas ! İ just love your blog and can't stop thinking about it ! So, how would tadc react to a female kid reader ? That little girl is cheerful elegant little lady and wear nice Pink dress with bows! She comforted Gangle by saying "don't be sad ! İ love you !" And put some sticker on her mask ! Oh and saying i love you to them before leaving. When Jax is doing something bad she says "Don't be mean! you silly rabbit!"

Caine, Gangle, Zooble, Pomni w/ sweet!kid!reader (platonic)

doing these characters since the wheel chose it (ominously) not sure how much i'll write today but i got a little more in the inbox compared to these past few days so i plan on working that down

CAINE:

basically treats you like his own kid but hes never been a dad before so hes still learning; torn between him being over protective of you or thinking you're indestructible (which... technically you are as long as youre in the digital world). i think he finds your sweetness adorable, though if theres someone in the circus being mean to you (surprisingly i dont think jax would be too mean. a little bit of a butt? yeah but its not much different than an older brother picking on their younger sibling) i think he would pipe up and not shut up until you get an apology. starts watching IHAs more now that you're here, both to see how youre doing but also to make sure its not too crazy for you.. cant help but let the big scary monster/trial pass when you run up to it being nice. literally just snaps the thing out of existence/away/wherever. loves seeing the look of triumph on your face afterwards

POMNI:

nice towards you and probably over time keeps a closer eye on you but in the beginning i think its more like. you following her like a duckling since shes busy trying to find an exit. honestly i think pomni would have a hard time when it sinks in that theres a little kid here in the circus. how did you get here? when did you get here? i think thats what would prompt her in trying to connect with you, thus you gain another guardian figure! sticking true my idea of pomni being uneasy around kids because they can be gross and have no filter and be unpredictable i think at first she would be a little... tense around you, but overtime becomes more comfortable when she realizes youre not like that. definitely going to take a while, though.. shrugs

GANGLE:

definitely finds you sweet, lets you hang around in her room and mess with her art supplies. probably cries harder when you try to make her feel better after jax does something, usually something that leaves her with a broken comedy mask. i dont think she would let you confront jax about it, though... she appreciates the sentiment but shes not about to make it look like she sent a little kid to defend her, thats only going to give jax even more ammo even if you stood up for her on your own. sometimes lets you put stickers on her mask or glitter... ponders.. i think she reads stories to you too, every night

ZOOBLE:

i think ive already said this before but zooble gives off such older sibling energy, and i cant really explain it other than its just the personality and looks... but i guess that doesnt explain much. shrugs. sweet younger sibling, cool but indifferent older sibling. or at least you think theyre cool. and you tell them every chance you guy. i think they would just give a weird "thaaanks.." the first few times before fully leaning into the older sibling role. dont get me wrong like before they wouldnt just leave you wandering around alone during an IHA, hell i dont think they would there wasnt one going on.. but they wouldnt go out of their way to hang out with you.. but eventually they just kind of keep a closer eye on you. check in on you. ask what youre up to. theyre not attached to you by the hip but theyre definitely present in your life as a role model. tries to make you be less nice, gives you the talk that not everyone is nice and sometimes some people fake being nice in order to get what they want. but in kid terms, obviously... well not little kid terms i still think zooble would be blunt but they wouldnt be harsh

[punkbxt]

the people in charge of nutrek dont care about the ideals and premise of star trek and star trek: picard is its biggest tell. its a story that would have been much better if they hadnt brought back legacy characters but also would have been much better had it not been written at all because nobody wants more space cops

the moment picard decided to wash his hands clean of the romulan android situation was the moment i knew that oh this isnt the picard everyone has come to know and love. at his core who he is someone that would not let anyone die if he could help it. like thats his thing if he has the power to help he will!! and yeah sure thats shown in pic too but he literally was like ‘fuck you federation im not gonna help u ignore the romulans cries for help’ when he fr coulda just asked for forgiveness after helping with the power he had as a respected captain or whatever he is. something EVERY oldtrek captain has done time and time again

and yes! characters and their ideals change over time but not fucking like THAT

pic takes a tragedy, a genocide, and takes the romulans, a species that has for the most part always been the enemies of the federation and makes them easy prey. it makes them evil except for those that defected or disguised themselves (look up white passing and what it was actually for and why its a thing). and to put it into more understandable words:

lets say the federation is usamerica (bc for all intents and purposes thats literally what it represents) and that the romulans represent people of color and jews. pic serves for us on a platter that the genocide was just another thing that happened and “its okay they died anyways. romulans have never been on the side of the federation and never wanted to be anyways so no loss” this is what the federation believes

pic has been severely affected by white supremacist and antisemitic ideology and like while yeah science fiction is used to discuss and challenge the oppression we experience today, youd think a franchise that has always preached about diversity inclusion and acceptance would finally get over mass genocide of a “lesser” race as a form of storytelling. its uncomfortable and not in a way in which it makes you think but in a way that shows that even hundreds of years in the future vitriol prevails and it fucking sucks. its harmful towards people of color and jews when even in science fiction we cant escape that someone out there wants us dead

we’ve had enough of white supremacy and antisemitism taking a lil seat at the table to cause ruckus there are 100% other things that could have created and interesting dilema. the federation is literally on some cristobal colon shit n the more nutrek that gets made the less star trek holds up the ideals of diversity inclusion acceptance and love that it preached from its inception. we are instead given a narrative that yeah no matter how long you fight no matter how hard you fight you will NEVER win because systemic racism always wins in the end. its a tired and weak narrative and just goes to show if you dont have any other engaging stories to tell just stop telling the stories and stop ruining characters by making them do things they absolutely wouldnt even stand for

we r stuck with characters that suck up to other characters just because of their legacy and the writing when everyone deserves to be way more mad at picard. sidenote all of the genuine progress that has been made in television with diversity and representation has gone like 20 steps back when it comes to portraying people of color bc not ONE from the main crew passes the paper bag test (again ive only seen season one) which further goes to show white supremacist ideals subtly shining through

the point of star trek is that there will be a better more welcoming loving kinder future than the present and the past. and yeah theyve never been good at portraying that exactly because hope cannot exist without despair. but if you do not learn the mistakes of the past you are bound to repeat them and clearly these writers have not been studying the source material

hope this helps idk man i just b saying shit sometimes sorry if some stuff is repetitive

[foolish-edworm]

SONIC SYMPHONY!!!

i went to the sonic symphony today!!!! IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! I personally think they should've said somewhere that the merch stand didn't take cash bc i almost missed I Am All Of Me standing in line— I'LL TALK ABOUT THAT IN A SECOND— because if i had known i wouldn't be able to pay for anything i wouldn't have bothered getting in line but whatevs ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

i literally cried. the opening STH 1 medley made me almost SOB.

me and my friend were squawking about tails and how cute he is!!

during the colors portion the audience did the 'GOOD!' 'GREAT!' 'AWESOME!' 'OUTSTANDING!' 'AMAZING!' and it made me so happy :)

AND OF COURSE the 'here we go!!' for unleashed!!! so cool!!! then i almost cried again at the frontiers medley lol.

THEN. THE INTERMISSION. i was DETERMINED to get light sticks. i was in the MIDDLE of the line. when...

*i am all of me opening riff*

when i tell you i BOOKED IT. i ducked out of that line SO FAST. not to mention — we were sitting in the upper balcony :) — I HAD TO RUN UP SO MANY STAIRS. I WENT UP TOO MANY STAIRS. I WAS LOST. I HAD TO TURN AROUND. literally — my knees started to buckle and i FULLY almost collapsed in the middle of this center with nothing but my wallet and my shadow plushie i was holding on to for dear life.

BUT I POWERED THROUGH AND I MADE IT BACK TO MY SEAT BEFORE THE CHORUS!!!!

i screamed my LUNGS OUT :))

certain songs i didn't know [all of] the lyrics to, so id usually scream whenever shadow showed up or something cool happened lol

when they started knight of the wind i got SO HYPED!!! BC I LOVE THAT SONG IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES!!! so you know i BELTED MY HEART OUT!!

and then!!! REACH FOR THE STARS!!!!! sonic colors was one of the first sonic games i ever played (even though i never /really/ got to play it lol) so i was so excited!!!

AND THEN!!!!!!! THE KNUCKLES SONGS!!!

pumpkin hill!! and unknown from m.e!!! fun fact: back in like,,, 2021?? when i first dabbled in sonic stuff (aside from being into it as a kid) it was actually unknown from m.e. that got me into it!!! there was a meme or something and i was like 'omg this corny ass song actually rips' and so that's what got me started! so naturally i sang along to both (this show made me realize how much i actually love knuckles???? wild)

Ty Christian (the vocalist) said NC had a sick heavy metal scene—which as a baby metalhead that made me happy—so i was headbanging to hell and back during the frontiers songs!! i didn't know all the lyrics (esp to I'm Here since ive tried to avoid listening to it til when i beat frontiers) but it was sick as hell!!

then, they said I'm Here was the last song, so after, they left the stage. me and my friend were like, no way, no way they're not going to play live and learn that would be a crime!! i KNEW in the back of my mind they were gonna do an "encore" type, so i just kept cheering and shouting for live and learn—

THEN THEY CAME BACK OUT!!! AND THEY DID ESCAPE FROM THE CITY!!! ofc when it got to the "live and learn" line i screamed it lol.

THEN THEY PLAYED IT!!!! LIVE AND LEAAAARNNN!!!!! It was awesome. my voice kept breaking but it didn't matter. my feet were hurting and my arms were hurting and my back hurt and i ran out of water but it didn't matter. because i got to see awesome musicians passionately play music from the sonic games, in a room full of people that loved sonic just as much as i did, and it was so worth almost collapsing in the middle of the stairwell. because i got to be there with my friend. and with other people just like me. it was so nice to be able to unmask for three hours and be my full, autistic, sonic lovin, self. because i knew i was safe with sonic fans (bc i know all y'all autistic too /not mean).

anyway, apparently we were a sold out show??? so they did an acoustic One Way Dream cover—a song i actually didn't know that well, so i just got to listen to them, which was incredible :)

and then, it was over! i was light headed, sweaty, my feet hurt, i could hardly hear—or speak, but i was so, so happy.

then me and my friend got back in the merch line! and... they didn't take cash. and all i had was cash. so i didn't get my shirt lol i could tell the guy at the booth felt bad for me :') it was okay though! i can order it online if i want it bad enough lol.

and i got my light stick!!!!! my friend also had a friend there and he got us the sticks (which i am eternally grateful for—even though i wasn't able to actually use it during the show, hopefully they'll come back next year!!) so hell yeah for friendship!!!!

i cannot stress enough how nice it was to be with so many people like me, it was so refreshing to not have to pretend to be "normal"

anyway, i love sonic and i love my friends and im so happy i got to see this sick ass show!!

[strangefellows]

I’ve been shouting about it on Twitter for the past two days, so I’m going to put it here too:

CANTO IV PART 3 SPOILERS! Or, why the Yi Sang and Ayin parallels in this chapter got me extremely fucked up.

Like. Dear sweet absolute FUCK, I was getting the parallels already from the basics and the fact that both Fourth Match Flame Yi Sang (the outfit) and Spicebush Yi Sang (the eyes) make him look incredibly similar to Ayin, more than he already does with the exhaustion and similar dark hair. But then the dungeon came out and hit me like a warp train.

Like. Okay. There’s a lab. A group of people with like minds that came together to better the city and make people happy, even if it’s just in small ways, under the leadership of someone they all looked up to. Little by little, it begins to crack and crumble apart...and then it is betrayed, raided by City officials. Some people die. Some kill themselves. Some give up and let themselves be caught. Some flee. Some fight back tooth and nail til the very end. But in the end, two people are left alive...one of them completely, utterly broken; the one who had always had trouble expressing themselves and their feelings towards others, but who cared deeply for them.

That broken person ends up in a room, trapped there by their own misery, working on their project, their dream, given in part to them by the person they looked up to-- to the point they’re wasting away little by little, drowning in despair and depression, wishing for the people they loved and the place they felt they belonged. There is a person, the other survivor, who had only ever been there for their sake in the first place, that wants to keep them there forever. There is their other self, who at turns seems to want to help them and seems to want to take advantage of their pain.

Who am I talking about?

Then there is the script-- the scripts Yi Sang left for the others to read, to play out what happened.

Then there is the fact that the dungeon backgrounds are an exaggerated, overlarge tableau of the lab-office in Yi Sang’s memories, similar in no small part to the Keter Suppression’s office background -- and how that white room looks very similar to the white room of the final day in Lobcorp.

Then there is the finale of the fight with Dongrang (who spoke to Carmen by name and whose mechanic, though this is reaching, involves seeds) -- where he has one final conversation with that other self, who encourages him and comforts him and who guides him to the beautiful finale of self-realization: wings made of shimmering light. This reminded me so much of Day 50 in Lobcorp that I almost cried just thinking about it again today.

Then there is the last little bit, that final narration, the last letter from Yi Sang, where he says of the Sinners, paraphrased “I would like to consider them my friends, even if I don’t know how they feel about me”. Maybe a bit of a reach, again, but I feel as if it mirrors how Ayin feels about the Sephirah, though it might be conjecture here.

I’d even venture to point out how this whole canto has Yi Sang’s narration take forefront even over Dante’s in some places, similar to Ayin narrating his own flashbacks. 

There’s just so much there that it’s impossible not to notice after a point. I really appreciate all of it among the insane lore drops about the City and the wonderful character development of the other Sinners beyond Yi Sang, who the chapter stands on its own for without thinking about the parallels and who is now firmly one of my favorite characters in the game. 

(Not to mention the hints about Dante, which considering all of this just solidifies my theory that they’re Ayin, but that’s a whole other post.)

Nonetheless, whether or not my theory is true, this is so good, and what I feel like is just the start of them giving Ayin’s character more room to breathe and context for Lobcorp he never got before.

[ristoranteivorykeys]

my dear, azul

a collection of personal writings that ive written over the years and today for the love that has held my heart and nurtured it

i think i shall preface this post by saying that this blog started out originally as a personal writing blog. i wanted this to be a place where i’d make my own writings with not too much pressure to cater to an audience. for a time, i chose to go against this as i got swept up with wanting to cater to requests and grow a following. however, these days, this writing blog has gone back to the peaceful writing blog that i chose. however, rare is it that i post a personal writing. this shall be the most personal i’ll get on this blog, as i showcase not one, not two, but several personal pieces of writings, whether personal diaries or unfinished fics.

this post is to celebrate the 4 years that i’ve loved azul. my heart was first taken by him the day that octavinelle’s story concluded: april 14, 2020. i will never forget the way my eyes nearly welled up or how my gut dropped when azul cried. i will never forget the way his story reached into the depths of my heart. and i will never forget the way he held that heart, a heart that was bruised in ways i never knew it was. i will never forget the way he made me aspire to be better than i thought i could ever be. and if i could, i’d repay him for all the times he’s given me hope and all the times he’s accompanied me in my hardest falls. hence, all the writings here are very personal, many of them do not depict azul in the most in character light but in the light of a person that i wished to have in the moment. i admit it might not be the best service to azul, but a part of me wants to rest in his benevolence. there may be a price, but at least there lies respite.

happy 4 years azul… i love you. i hope this collection of writings reaches you wherever you are. and for the reader who reads all these works, i hope perhaps you might find some inspiration for the next azul-related fic or some other thing. or maybe some love.

all the works below shall be tagged with "#my dear azul". some will only contain that tag, and others will have the other twst tags, depending on how personal they may get.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

don't memories hurt sometimes [11/03/2020]

snippets of 1st anniv letter to azul [4/14/21]

unpublished work: part of your world [11/28/21]

unpublished work: seafoam [04/11/22]

snippet of a diary entry [06/29/22]

unpublished fic: the rich girl and her mermaid [01/07/23]

poem 1 [12/?/23]

poem 2 [04/15/23]

[russellsppttemplates]

heyy girl!! i hope youre okay! ive seen so much tiktoks about pregnant women crying over silly stuff because of the pregnancy hormones. it give me an idea about george and his pregnant gf/wife crying bc he needs to travel for races or because she cant eat her fav sandwich from a starbucks. george would make fun of her but then he would see her pout and feel bad about laughing. ive wrote it kinda messy, but i hope you understand what i mean😭

have a great day/night xx

Tw: pregnancy

"Darling, have you seen my shorts?", your husband asked while you tidied some sheets away and tucked them into the drawer where they belonged, "it's raining, George, why do you need them?", you asked nonchalantly, "to bring to the race", and it hit you. Before you noticed it, tears were falling down your face as you tried your best to wipe them, "hey, hey, you're okay, darling, what's the matter?", your husband said once he heard you, "you're leaving tomorrow, because you're going to the race", you explained between some hiccups, "I am, I told you last week that I'd be travelling with the team", he tried his best to figure out what was going on, "I know you did, I think I forgot about it for a while and now I remembered it again", you said as you wiped the tears with the sleeve of the hoodie you were wearing, "and here I am crying my eyes out", you giggled and George seemed to finally calm down, "it's the hormones, isn't it?", he teased, "yes, and I am a mess. Cara called me today and our nephew said he missed me, so I sat in our bed and cried for a bit before I got up to make lunch", you slightly mocked yourself too, opening your arms so George could give you a cuddle.

.

"I was in a rush last night making all of these, but they all turned out okay, I think", George's mother, Alison, said as she set a cake in the table, "they all look incredible, mum", your husband complimented as everyone grabbed their plate to pick which dessert they fancied, "Sorry I couldn't make the lime cheesecake, dear", Alison said, "the limes in the shop didn't look that good and I ran out of time also". And that's how it began again, tears flowing as your nephew noticed, "aunt Y/N, are you feeling okay?", he said as he put his hand on your arm, "I'm fine, don't worry", you said in between tears as you felt everyone's eyes on you, "I was just really hoping for the cheesecake, but it's fine, don't worry", you comforted him before looking at George, who was softly rubbing your back while chuckling, "baby has a very sweet tooth, okay?", you pouted as Alison apologised, "it's been like this, and I don't want to sound spoiled or anything, it really doesn't bother me, but now I cry at everything really. George didn't have the polo I really like to see him on when we got in the car and I had to pout my way out of my misery", you explained while everyone chuckled too.

(Thank you for submitting an ask 🤍)

[akaakeis]

oh nooooo i tripped and fell for u into ur ask box

eating ny ice cream rn ;; strawberry is such a weird flavour like if i had to choose and get one i would not get strawberry but if irs rhere at home im finishinf ALL of it

ALSO, DRAWING ON PEOPLE'S HANDS 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

anyways about the iwa smau!!! genuinely have no motivation rn #tweaks BUT i would like to say that the yn is shamelessly based off me like i have consumed acrylic paint on multiple occasions (today) (with ice cream)

ILYT!!!!! IM WRITING THIS RN SO I CANT RESPOND (CRIES)

lost a mark in my chem test today im tweaking

BUT THE FREAKY ENGLISH TEACHER SAID IM ON THE RIGHT TRACK AND DOING GOOD AND AN ATTENTIVE STUDENT AND LIKR????????? ERMMMM SHES INSANE BUT FHE ACADEMIC VALIDATION GOES SOOO HARD

also like lowkey icl i was hanging around ur blog again rn and thats why i decided to send an ask !! ur blog is so pretty rrrrr

I ALSO BASICALLY JUST PEAKED IN HS CUZ THE LIBRARIAN RECOGNISED ME AND GAVE ME A BOOK RECOMMENDATION AND LET ME TAKE IT EVEN THOUGH IT DIDN'T HAVE THE PROPER STUFF TO BE FILED AS BORROWED (like each book has a code and this one didnt and she STILL gave it to me) SO LIKE BASICALLY SHE TRUSTS ME BC IVE BEEN OVER HERE FOR LIKE A YESR AT LEADT TAKING A BOOK THEN COMING BACK 1-2 DAYS LATER CUZ I FINISHED IT LOLOLS

also about OUR iwa fic i was js thinking like,, fake dating this dumbass b word ushiwaka and hes like ?? why me ??? "ur names rhyme kind of" ?? wth ??

lowkey think im immune to anything thats in acrylic paint now bc i have Eaten So Much Of It

anyways the book is lowkey good i havent finished it YET but irs called the girl on the train and like woahhhhhh smth like that at our super conservative school is iNsane

i hope u feel better soon!!! if u dont ill fly over and idk. magic

i have a maths test tmr rjejsjskssk the topic is fun but I Don't Know what if i Fail

OSHIT I WAS SUPPOSED TO LOCK IN AND DO HW OOPS ERM HRU TELL ME AB UR DAY ETC ETC and also any sav x yaku tidbits youd like to drop <- forgot the ship name AND AND AND THE ANONS THINF IS SO REAK KMFG

ok byebye ily xx

ah thats a shame 😞😞 hope your knee or whatever u banged on the way in heals up well lina 😞

yum yum yum ice cream!! i hope ur enjoying it!! also thats so real i feel like strawberry ice cream is just an odd flavor... but true that i always eat the strawberry ice cream in the freezer just to spite my other roommate (with love!!!) LMAO

also real 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ i adore when people draw on me or let me draw on them it js makes me so happy <3

DONT FEEL PRESSURED TO WORK ON IT!! BE SPORADIC!! DO IT WHENEVER YOU GET IDEAS!!! WE WILL STICK AROUND TO READ WHENEVER U DECIDE TO WRITE

NOOO NOT THE CHEM TEST IM SORRY LINA :((( ITLL ALL WORK OUT THO

NOT THE ENGLISH TEACHER. IM SORRY SHES MY OPP FROM WHAT IVE HEARD ABOUT HER SHES FREAKY I FEAR. BUT FOR THE ACADEMIC VALIDATION I SUPPOSE I GET IT...

HELP i didnt ever realize how much time you spent on my blog like genuinely 😭 BUT THANK YOU SM!! im super proud of this theme even tho its not the most intricate <3

WOOOW THE LIBRARIAN RECOGNIZED YOU AND TRUSTED YOU W AN UNFILED BOOK??? i aspire to be you but i never step foot into my school library i much prefer my public library... there's sm more books that i read there!!! BUT THATS GENUINELY SO COOL WTF

bro that fic will genuinely be so funny 😭 like the quote we were yapping ab earlier "ushijima?? the hell?? you don't even go to the same school as him?? 😨" iwa would be more confused than anything at first AND I THINK THATS HILARIOUS!! and pls ushijima just AGREEING hes a closeted himbo i swear i swear i swear

alina im genuinely concerned over the fact that you CONSUME acrylic paint? but whatever? i guess? please dont eat too much that's definitely not meant to be consumed 🧍‍♀️

im gonna add that book to my tbr list!! i read the synopsis and it sounds pretty good tbh

THANK YOU!! my roomie is taking care of me so i'll probably be fine within the next few days 🙂‍↕️

AND GOOD LUCK!! im sure you'll do amazing dont even play w me rn alina YOU WILL DO SO SO SO WELL YOU LITTLE MATH NERD (affectionate)

OH YEAH GO DO HOMEWORK WTF 😭 IM GOOD! I FEEL BETTER TODAY <3 IVE BEEN IN BED SINCE I WOKE UP SO THERE ISNT MUCH TO TELL YOU ABOUT BUT UHHHH LAST NIGHT I WATCHED HOWLS MOVING CASTLE WITH MY ROOMMATE!! SAV X YAKU IS SAVORI!!! COURTESY OF BAKERY ANON MY LOVE 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ UMM I DONT HAVE TIDBITS RN BUT ILL DM YOU WITH RANDOM ONES SOMETIME DURING THE DAY TRUST!!

bye bye!! ily ily <3

[de4dlyniightshade]

heyy :) erm im gonna fangirl really quick and then the request will be at the end incase you wanna skip to that part or anything, lol. okay so this is very much unnecessary and unasked for and blah blah but i don't care! i believe writers need to hear how much we appreciate them and their works because whew mama! ive been trying to write fics for like months and it actually is so horrible. i genuinely start to angrily vibrate bc my thoughts don't flow on the notes app. but i just wanted to say, nightshade, (ehehe that's so cheeky and silly for some reason) that i reallyyy love your work. its actually like horrific how much your writing just makes me so 😜😊🤭 i know you're not like a celebrity or anything, so it's gonna be weird with this like mini parasocial relationship thing, but please know your work has an impact !! a few months ago, i did something extremely bad and out of character while i was spiraling, and i decided that the best decision for me would be to quit using social media. (and beforehand i had quit using tiktok for like 7 months already and i wasn't that addicted to my phone but i still was consuming negative media) so, ofc, i stopped completely for a good month or so and only ever using youtube every now and then. buttttt, one of the first social media platforms i came back to first... was tumblr! it's actually so silly too because i only used tumblr like 4 times beforehand so i was quite new. but anyway anyway (im a yapper UGH) i really found that your posts had made me feel happy :) idk they kinda reminded me of myself before i went big bad that one time and it made me inspired to go back to how i used to be... u get me?? you're writing literally haunts my brain oh my lord it should be illegal to read your stuff because afterwards i literally have this crazy ass urge to read more and more and more. im lowkey an addict cause i be having my deadlynightshade withdrawals. the way you write is just so 😫 gosh, it's beautiful. i also love ur sillyness because like ME TOO. your random little posts are so me coded and i love it. YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😭 uhmm i just wanted to say thanks for being super cool and talented because believe it or not, the stuff you put out makes me really happy! (that was so melodramatic like mf they write about spencer being a pathetic pussy drunk bitch why are you saying it changed ur life?? its true tho.) erm yeah that's the end of that part i just again wanted to thank you 🙏 i wish we were friends SO BAD like you're actually awesome what the fuck.... but like how do u even become friends w ppl?? LMAO ERM ANYWAY 😍 can you write a blurb or h.c or something (honestly anything will make me happy) about valentine's day?? 🤭 basically spencer being SO FUCKING SHY because you can't stop touching his hands or hair subtly or like kissing his cheek leaving marks from lipstick or like getting him his favorite snacks/drinks/books/textures/ basically a gift that made u think about him?? ugh or him doing the same with you like him being the best fucking nerd boy ever and spoiling you so much like he goes ape shit spending well over his funds limit but it's worth it because it's you? or like sweet soft cutie pie sex? at the end of the day and he's like... Erm.. Pussy for 1 please! you were so pretty today... You always are-! (I'm mentally ill and writing this at 8:37 pm on a thursday night.)

this is. the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me i actually cried ngl to you.

i'm genuinely so thankful for the little community i have created here i never expected such an insane amount of positivity and love from people just for the whack ass shit i write but that's probably just my perpetual self hatred and disbelief that people enjoy anything about me🤞

i think it's crazy how people on the internet who have never met me, don't know me, what i look like, or anything can treat me better than any of my friends have and i'll always be thankful for that.

ALSO! i love being called funny pls kiss me i never think i'm actually funny istg

i was also planning on writing a valentines fic ALREADY but this made me wanna write it even more as a thank you for this message it genuinely made my week(can't promise it ON TIME for valentines but i can try!)

i'm also so glad that my work and blog makes you happy, there's no privilege greater than making someone smile even when they don't feel like it</3

[1d1195]

So I finally got around to reading protection and I thought it would be funny if I wrote down all my favorite parts bc I always wanna point them out, but I FORGET. It’s late and these are actually my live reactions bc im writing them in my notes as I read This will be long, this will probs be verryyy dumb (so if you don’t want to, pllsss don’t feel obligated to answer it, let it rot in your inbox😭)

The part where she’s like “hey niall! :D” and then switches up and yells at the supervisor 😭😭 AND NIALL IS JUST SHOOK BAHAHAHHA

Protocol. 

'He knew that she ended a lot of her doodles with little hearts'. As someone who always draws hearts every time I get my hand on a pen, I ADORE this little fact (there’s a statistic that says 56% of Americans write their first name when testing out a new pen, and I always say ‘well what’s the percentage of people who draw a heart cause it cant just be me’)

 Left covered in glitter and with a printed card that said Happy Holidays, but the L was a middle finger emoji. Funniest thing you’ve ever written actually. 

The whole codename talk OF COOURSE

protocol.

If he were my boyfriend this would be so controlling, I would be out of there in two seconds flat. Why am I liking all this? bc its harry duh, that man could throw me in the back of his trunk, leave me there for days, and I’d still be obsessed w him

It was next to impossible. She invaded his every thought. Like a little flower, a wildflower, poking through the cracks of his brain and growing where it shouldn’t.

Even if it was beautiful and lovely where it grew.

“I don’t care if y’don’t like me,” Harry knew that was a lie. He wanted her to like him so badly. unbelievably real, I get like this too harry dw

“Hate ‘em,” he nodded. She liked them. So, there was that; the olive theory would apply to them. THE OLIVE THEORY AWWWWWW

I was super psyched about the part where she cut her hand bc that literally happened to me today and ive got a huge gash & the napkins taped on me to prove it😭 (no harry to cheer me up tho smh🙄)

If I drank enough water, I would be too much for the world. She told him. I’d be unstoppable. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

he pressed his lips to her ear. “Is that why y’tense all the time? Just need t’come?” I SCREAMED

THE WHOLE SCENE AFTER THAT HELLO ???? DID YOU THINK THAT WAS OKAY ??? // tell everyone my cause of death was this: “Gonna listen t’me?” He asked. She nodded, gasping for air that didn't smell like Harry but enjoying that it did. “Say it,” he murmured. “For all the times y’didn’t.”

protocol !!!!!

Literally nothing abt chapter 7 because where the fuck would I even begin

Everything about chapter 8 was PERFECT I have no clue what you were worried about because girl I was HOOKED it was just PLOT PLOT PLOT the writing was AMAZING, the twists were AMAZING, her planning (or yours ig) AMAZINGGGGG, THE SHOOTING HER AS A DISTRACTION ????? HOLY FUCK

I will say tho, L harry cause I really wanted him to kill the dude😞

“Feel like this’ll be more paperwork for you. Just shoulda died,” ROLLING OVER IN MY GRAVE SHE’S SOOO FUCKING FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAH

cant believe u almost killing her was not enough for you LMFAOOOO

It wasn’t the time, but it was quite hot the way he held her trapped against her bed. She’s literally just a girl🎀

“What’s your favorite song?” She asked so innocently Harry could have cried. Your honor I LOVE her

I cannot believe that she literally got kidnapped AGAIN ???? BY HER FATHER ???? THIS POOR POOR GIRL

It was quite a humble moment for her. All those years of torturing agents and creating mountains of paperwork, building walls up so she didn’t even need protection...now they would probably let her die as the opportunity had presented itself. OUCH OUCH OUCHHHHHHHHHH

Harry’s gonna go gray before I finish this chapter

 He was strongly considering (and hoping) asking her if they could just put a chip in her. HAHAHAHAH as if. I will deadass settle for like a 200 hundred blurb JUST of that conversation between them

Diving into the chilly winter water, he hoped it wasn’t too late to save her again. This might be your most committed couple yet omg (no pun intended)

Ive never been happier to have not read a fic as you posted it because Samantha I SWEAR TO GOD this woulda drove me insane😭 IT DID DRIVE ME INSANE AND I WAS BINGE READING (I would’ve turned gray faster than harry)

“The hell is that?” He mumbled trying to make sense of the monstrosity on her lap. PFFTTTTTT love that crocheting is a styles’ family thing in this bc yes absolutely. im just picturing lil harry staying up late watching videos online to try to learn so he could be better than Gemma

im ADORING his constant worrying abt her getting a headache😭 its the sweetest thing ever

It was a crochet kit: a beginner's book, a set of hooks, and three different colored yarns. SHUT UPPPPP ITS AN INITIATION AHHHHH

“We’re gonna have to cope the way we need to. I will be my usual, hilarious self. And you can be mopey.” She’s literally me thank uuuu

The whole scene?? Youre my whole heart, completely exposed to the world ???? RIP me, rest in peace me, I. Died. Dead. 

“Wildflower, definitely wildflower.” 10 dead. 29 injured. ahhHHHHHHHH

Girl I am soooo sorry and like I said you absolutely don’t have to reply I just thought this would be fun and it might make you smile, also u deserve to know just how greatly appreciated your writing is, every bit of it <3

~🎶

So I truly enjoy everything I write (except Love and Dryer Sheets). I know inherently that Traditional is more popular but I think if I had to pick a favorite, Protection is by far my favorite story. I guess if I had to qualify maybe my favorite of 2023 at least. Idk what it was about it, I just loved writing every moment of it, I enjoyed my weird little dialogues and the silly little inside jokes. I thought the MC was really strong and wonderful--I aspire to be like her, ya know? Writing Harry's parts is always fun too but I think Protection Harry is the mushiest but shyest of them (probs because of his job) so getting him to open up to her was really fun to write too. idk.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY this is quite possibly the sweetest and nicest thing anyone has done for one of my stories. I love this so so so so so much. There are so many parts you pointed out that I cared SO deeply for that didn't necessarily get pointed out when I originally wrote it. It was so sweet to read them again from someone else's perspective. I probs won't catch everything but please know that I got this from you at 5 in the morning yesterday and I have read it no less than 100 times because I'm so honored that you enjoyed it enough to take notes 😭😭 and every single one made me SO happy and smiley.

I just read about the statistic about writing your name when handed a pen in a book I was reading! I bet the heart thing is a pretty cool stat too (whatever it is!).

PUTTING ME IN A TRUNK SAME.

nothing about part 7 I'm screaming 😂

I've mentioned it in another ask but when I write suspenseful things I already know where the suspense is leading so I just get super in my head about it because I think it's obvious about where it's leading?

You have ignited a new extra regarding putting a tracking chip in her 🤭

she is really funny tbh hehehehehe I like to believe I'm funny too because I like to think that's how I would react to a lot of these scenarios.

she IS just a girl (and she really just wants to get railed by Harry quite frankly. I think she deserves it lol she's been through a lot)

Almost killing her was the main part the kidnapping was extra because I was like "Aw crap, I forgot to tie up the daddy issues line" whoops hahahahahahaha

Idk if they crochet, I hope they do. I just needed something that siblings could argue over. I would kill to know what the sibling dynamic is between Harry and Gemma. It's gotta be hilarious.

I think Harry is going to worry about her the rest of his life and you're so right, he would go gray because of her hehehehehe

SAMANTHA hahahahahahaha I was thinking you would have hated to read this as I was writing it lol

10 dead 29 injured 😭💕 - I think most endings of my stories suck but again, I love this story so much, I humbly think I did a better job on this one 💕

in general the bullets where you quoted some of what I wrote was really sweet too. The part about not getting help because of how she treated them, the olive theory, the part about water, harry wanting her to like him, etc. etc. That really means so much to me that it seemed worth pointing out again 😭 thank you thank you thank you.

If there was anything I didn't reply to, it wasn't intentional, I just know this is the longest ask ever and I love it so much but I feel like it's going to continue forever if I don't stop 😭💕💕

YOU ARE THE BEST THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS! IT'S SO WONDERFUL 💕

xoxo

[iruludavare]

{ ooc. I just wanted to say real quick now that things have calmed down-- to everyone who has shown myself and ziro's other victims support, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I know it's easy to turn a blind eye to people who have been harrassed, abused or taken advantage of by someone online, but the fact that you guys gave all of us a space to finally let go of traumatic experiences that we've been sitting with for Ages-- years, in some cases-- is absolutely invaluable.

I know in my case, I don't think I've felt this relaxed since before i first realised how trapped i was with him in 2020 and that no matter what i did, my situation would only end when he wanted it to and on his terms. I don't feel like some dirty little secret anymore. I don't have to worry about him preying on my friends-- past, current or future-- and hurting them the way he's hurt me and so many others. Ive held onto this for so long, there were days where i just... didn't want to be around anymore, because i couldnt shake the things he would say to me or the months of gaslighting or the way he'd talk about others to me from my mind. I felt so helpess. He had me to the point where i would freeze up every time my phone went off. I've been in and out of therapy brcause of what he did to me and the situations he caused.

I've cried a lot over the past few days, but out of relief for nice change. And I'm sure this is the case for some of the others too.

He really did have so many of us terrified to speak up-- terrified of him lashing out at us if we did it on our own, or terrified that people still wouldn't believe us. And while that document details his sexual harrassment... there was so much more he did beyond that. It was really the tip of the iceberg.

So, really-- thank you.

And to the friends who have stuck by me since day one of me telling them about my situation -- i wouldn't be here today without the love and support and patience you all gave me. }

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

[taegularities]

ive just finished reading a book that shattered my heart into infinite pieces and i am not even joking a bit. i knew that the book was as good once i started crying and tears never stopped. i think 70% of that book was me crying. now i have swollen eyelids lol. i never cried so much over something since i watched Hachiko the movie. like real sob, sounds coming out from my mouth, the real hurting package thing :(

now i need another book as beautiful as this one. and i don’t think i would recovered from this one yet. she even mentionned one direction’s songs to describe the relationship between the two mc. i am fucking torn. oh btw the book is « a thousand boy kisses » by Tillie Cole. have you ever heard about it?

have you any recommendations? also i am debating myself to buy a kindle. although i do like the idea of paper book, idk. i spend most of my nights reading ff to be honest but since last month i can’t find any that is why i switch back to « real » book again. although i think i missed a lot of your series too i have to read them.

that made me think, is there any books that made you to start writing? how did you find telling yourself that you wanted to write? would you considered it as an hobbie or a passion? pardon me if you had already answered those questions in the past too. in that book i’ve read, author was talking a lot about passion and made me realize that besides piano - i am unfortunately not really into it anymore - i don’t have any. like isn’t it beautiful to say that we had something to hold on, to escape? i miss that..

i talked a lot today lol i am so sorry. oh and if any of your followers as any book recommandations (not ff too), i take!!! 🤎

oh gosh, babe.. have you recovered from it yet? i know that feeling so well. some stories just stay with us and are hard, if not impossible to forget. i know it hurts, but i'm also glad you found a book you could enjoy the way you did. i haven't heard of it, by the way! but just googled it, and it sounds beautiful. soulmate au :(

i wish i could rec stories, but i think it's genuinely been years since i read a proper book. i know 'me before you' and its sequel made me cry :') definitely get that kindle if you've been reading a lot these days! i do prefer paperback, too, but i get the appeal of an e-book.

yeah, honestly, that's gonna sound extremely mainstream, but books that made me write were john green's stories, the novel 'every day' by david levithan and (okay, don't laugh pls lol), but ed sheeran's songs. there's beauty in all those – a lot of talk of love and the stars, of soft and sweet things. which is probably why my writing ended up the way it is today? but i've always written tbh… i enjoyed reading and at some point, i started a random ass story back when i was 13 or so (it was horrible) and then wrote my first stuff in english when i started this blog. i wanted to try it out. play with words, see if i'm any good at it? and yeah, now i'm kinda in love with it and trying to be better every day <3 so i'd say it's both a hobby and a passion. truly an activity i enjoy the most.

it's beautiful to have something like this, true. i hope you find your passion, too <3 and tbh, i'm so grateful you asked all that? bc i love talking about these things.. like what, you're actually interested in me and getting to know me?? i'll blush lol :') love you <3

[kurazaru]

What do you wish you had the courage for?

I wish I had the courage to say no. I wish I had the courage to confront people and call them out on their bs. I wish I had the courage to be different, to be who I am, unafraid to be judged by others. I wish I had the courage to be everything I ever wanted to be....

College has been a rollercoaster of emotions, mostly bad ones. I met this one guy during induction, nd we became pretty good frnds. But as i started hanging around him more nd more, ive seen soo many red flags. He doesn't take accountability for his actions, he always blames something or another for his failure. He talks shit about his family, who as far as I've seen, is so caring, but who am I to have an opinion ant his family matters. I don't know what happens behind the scenes, and I don't get to comment on that. He gets so angry while gaming, snapping at the most smallest inconvenience. Like the other day, my roommate accidentally tripped over the extention box, which was connected to my frnds laptop, nd he blasted my roommate. And then, asks in a "cute" nd "apologetic" way, "Are you Angry" to my roommate. That pissed me off. He always does that. Gets angry, hurts the other person's feelings, and then apologizes INSTEAD OF CHANGING HIMSELF. He keeps complaining that the reason he doesn't get marks in maths is coz they didn't teach that stuff in his prev school, but doesn't try to solve suns nd improve himself either. If u know that this stuff is new fr you, you should hv studied it SOMETIME BEFORE 24HRS OF THE EXAM. And omg he keeps asking me to teach him stuff. Like , once or twice is fine, BUT THE DAY BEFORE EVERY EXAM?? UMM I NEED TO STUDY TOO?? And also he doesn't even hv the most basic knowledge.. I am not here to teach you everything frm the beginning. We both attend the same classes, if i can do everything properly without any help, you should be able to atleast understand the basics of the class if u listen rightttt. Then I can help. And omg the other day he told me that he cried coz "he didn't have anyone" like??? I was ALWAYS there fr him. And ok, you can say whatever u want abt me, but there is this another guy who's just the sweetest, nd he ALWAYS took care of him. Saying that he didn't have anyone is a huge insult to that guy. Nd then when he told me abt this in class, he told me that I'm his "best frnd" but I don't even care. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT?? LIKE OH DON'T WORRY IM THERE FR YOU? LIKE I WAS THERE FR YOU ND YOU STILL FELT THAT WAY SO LIKE HOW WILL THAT HELP. Then he told me that when he was born, he was abt to die. And I was like, well you sure are so lucky that you lived coz?? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT RANDOM PIECE OF INFO? Like the moment he said that, I knew what he was gonna follow it with, that he should hv died nd suicide nd blah blah blah. And then he told that. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY THEN OMG😭 And then he told me that everyone who he ever loves leaves him. Maybe coz ur pretty fucking manipulative? Like what is the point of all this 😭 Welp that's that. I didn't talk much to him today(i slept on accident last night writing this rant so currently it's the next day) nd I had SUCH A GREAT DAY. Now, let's go to the next problem ✨

This is pretty stupid but MY ROOMATE KEEPS DRINKING ALL OF MY WATER?? MD DOESN'T FUCKING REFILL IT. I get so fucking annoyed. I always drink water the first thing in the morning. So i fill my 500mL waterbottle the prev night, BD EVERYDAY ITS FUCKING EMPTY WHEN I WAKE UP. ND ALSO THROUGHOUT THE DAY I FILL MY WATER ND WHEN I WANNA DRINK IT ITS ALWAYS FUCKING EMPTY OMFG IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE I HATE HIM SO MUCH. He's also so fucking lazy nd dirty nd SEVERELY LACKS BASIC MANNERS. I hate him 🥰

I'm done ranting fr now, nd now I'll go cry coz idk what else to do.