#ive gotta delete this thing from my life

[captainimprobable]

I have one thing left from my ex. A few months ago, I took all her gifts, all her love letters, all her jewelry, and I threw it in the garbage,  I’m never getting those things back, and that’s okay, because I don’t want them.  We broke up over a year ago, I don’t need those things.  And now there’s nothing left. Except for this stuffed bunny. She gave it to me on our second date.  She met me at the train with flowers, and I remember thinking about how nobody had ever bought me flowers before.  We had a picnic in the park, played cards, hung out with her best friends, and she gave me the bunny. It’s been two years since that date.  I don’t love her.  I don’t miss her.  But I don’t know what to do about this stupid fucking bunny. I could throw it out.  I could give it away.  But it’s my last connection to the first person I ever fell in love with.   There were so many red flags, but tonight I’m just thinking about the green ones.  The time she stayed up all night sitting on her bathroom floor while I hugged the toilet seat trying not to puke, telling me funny stories to distract me. The night she wrapped me in a blanket, sat me on her lap, and pointed out constellations I had never even heard of.  I had no idea she was breaking up with me just a few weeks later. The time she told me she loved me.  How wide her eyes were, how scared she looked, how I screamed and threw down my bag and kissed her, and she thought she did something wrong until I sat her down and smiled at her.   How I told her I loved her a few days later outside of a truly disgusting subway station. She loved pokemon, and hair dye, and piercings, and for one summer we had a whole apartment to ourselves in Florida for a week, and it was like a dream. It’s been over a year since I last saw her.  She’s had a girlfriend since then.  She’s changed her hair.  I hear she moved apartments and got a new job. I shaved my head.  I’ve gained 30 pounds.  I’ve got a new job too.  I’ve been on dozens and dozens of dates.   We are not the same people we used to be. But I still have this bunny.  This stupid fucking bunny that sits in the corner on the floor of my room that I can’t bear to throw out because I have nothing left of her.  And all I feel when I look at it is anger.  But there’s a part of me, a small part of me, that remembers what falling in love for the first time was like. And even though she forced me out of love, even though it’s been over and will be over forever, even though I’m grateful I’ll never see her again, even though we are completely different people from two years ago, from the day she gave me the toy, I can’t ever forget what it felt like to feel as loved as I did when she gave it to me. And I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way again. So for now, the stupid fucking bunny sits on the floor collecting dust.  I’ll probably throw it out soon.  I might rip it to pieces for the catharsis.  But until that day, it’s going to sit there, and it’s going to watch me become a person she would never recognize. And that’s going to have to be okay.

[gorbo-longstocking]

HIIIIIII life update: im gonna be taking a bit of a hiatus from writing fanfiction for who knows how long, probably until the fixation hits again and i cant be controlled, but truthfully my job era has made me realize that i CANNOT be working retail for the rest of my life. so, ive decided to write something original and do something with it. hopefully publish it. im nervous to say that out loud because i feel like im overestimating my abilities, but ill never know until i try. im hoping to be able to build a future doing something i really genuinely love, but i REALLY gotta lock in on writing it so it. because i have a hard time actually finishing things.

i wont be posting it anywhere online because that would make getting published hard, which is the end goal, and id hate to delete it after having it up. man idk that just doesnt sit right with me. im kind of sad my feedback will be limited due to this choice, and also because i REALLY love sharing my writing and im impatient. but hopefully the end goal will be well worth it.

if anyones curious about the project im working on, feel free to ask! i would be more than happy to talk about it. im hesitant to just come out of the gate blabbering because its so left field from fanfiction and likely not what yall followed me for. i do fully intend to finish every fic ive ever started, i just gotta think about my future a little bit. get me out of retail for the love of god.

but that’s the update! if im radio silent for a while, thats what im working on. i feel weirdly guilty talking about it because i feel like im abandoning (im not actually abandoning it i prommy) stuff yall are actually interested in, in favor of something new.

[sand-lily]

I JUST GOT MY CoE!!!

(like just now now)

they still didn't tell me when my training date is, where my hotel is, when i can check in to the hotel, or APPARENTLY how long I'll be staying

(my contract says 1 year, but the CoE says 3years,, so idk what to put on the application , if they dont answer by Friday I'll just put 3years, then i wont get in trouble if i do renew the contract but it wont be an issue if i only stay 1 year)

im NOT buying another hotel if i can help it, SO i do wanna know when i can check into the training hotel so i can buy my plane ticket for that day and put that as the arrival date on the application, according to maps and reddit the shinkansen is only a few hours to the city i need to be in from the airport, so im taking that instead of doing a layover in japan,,

so i need to know WHEN i can check in so i can do the math to know WHAT flight to take, and since im technically losing a day across time zones, thats going to be hard for me since normal time math is ALREADY hard for me

i already have the passport photos, i already have the envelopes, i already made the shipping labels (just gotta print them), i already signed the disclaimer (gotta print), I already filled out the application minus those 2 things im not sure about (and gotta print),,

so my plan is to go to the library and print all the stuff at once, and sign it at the library, then go from there to the post office to drop it off, and then from there back home (shit has to be planned when you don't have a car and public transit only comes once every 2hrs)

the CoE is valid for 3 months from tonight, so im HOPING they want me there the last week of june or mid july so i can pack up my apartment, call my bank, get an esim card for my phone company (this is the only phone number I had my WHOLE LIFE and I don't wanna lose it so i MIGHT pay for international data to keep it), take care of my pets, break my lease unfortunately, get a transit card (apparently you can buy them online BEFORE going to Japan and have it shipped to you),

and quit my new job i JUST started last week unfortunately,, ive only done training so i dont even think i can put it on my resume, HOWEVER, i did pass CPR + baby CPR so i can put that on my resume if they have the certificate on file (idk if they filed it yet)...but if i have another month, I'll be able to have childcare IN A SCHOOL experience (asst teaching)

ig i WONT be able to save up to pay off my credit card, or get my hair braided, and i WONT be able to afford business class like i wanted,, i just hope i get a window seat, i WILL NOT sit in the middle if i can avoid it, i also dont want an isle seat just in case i sit next to somebody who doesn't speak English and they feel nervous about asking me to move so they can use the toilet... i really dont wanna talk to ppl like that

i also also need to look for headphones with a type c connector, because i heard those exist,, my Bluetooth headphones dont work very well on airplanes and i MISS wired headphones severely (i WILL NOT take them out of the box until im at the airport tho, i WILL NOT risk losing them before the flight, as i tend to do)

i also also also need to go through my music library and delete the songs i always skip and add in the new ones ive been playing on repeat via YouTube, im NOT paying for plane wifi , i also x3 need to figure out how to download Libby books like PDFs since i cant use libby outside of America and i want to keep reading books on the flight

ig im un-makeovering my apt tomorrow, time to put doors back on hinges and remove contact paper and fill in nail holes and everything,, it took me like 3days to do everything up and i did it with a butter knife instead of a screwdriver, so it should take less time to undo it with my new electric screwdriver ,, i think my sister is going to try and steal my bedframe, shes already laid dibs on the couch

they BETTER NOT charge me ANY fees considering i paid a TRIPLE deposit to move in here without a cosigner and thats the whole point of a deposit

anyways i got a lot to do tomorrow, so i gotta go to bed at a REASONABLE HOUR, NOT 2AM

and if anybody wants to help me pay off my $1400 credit card bill (ive been using it to pay rent and buy groceries since nobody wants to hire me, unemployment is only enough to pay the minimum + my phone bill so i dont get late fees)

here are my PayPal and cashapp,, im not good at art AT ALL, but if yall want commissions for something so that i can earn the money (i can only do traditional art), I'll do that too,, or i can proofread something? creative writing is actually my forte believe it or not

anyways

cashapp: https://cash.app/$firellily

(the pfp is a pic of my cat)

[ladyseastar]

as much as i'd love the idea of naerys/aemon as a romantic pairing, i've gotta say it really doesn't seem to have been an actual canon thing. aside from the fact that naerys is said to have been heavily devot and religious, and would have loved to become a septa had her dad let her, if naerys/aemon was an actual thing, as in they were fucking on a down low behind aegon iv's back, and he found out, he wouldn't have in a million years let the two of them go scot-free, it wouldn't have just been rumours flying around, the price would have been naerys, daeron ii and aemon's heads, just look at what aegon iv did to poor bethany bracken, and ser terrence toyne, after catching them in the act.

i for the life of me do not trust show makers to adapt this timeline + the blackfyre rebellion + aegon's conquest accurately. they'll fuck it up so bad, i'd rather them not make it at all.

(this was posted on my old account queentessarion but I accidentally deleted it sooo)

[purpurrock]

in case anyone is wondering why ive been so inactive (i doubt it), no im dead, it can be summed up with three reasons:

i deleted tumblr from my phone cuz i might get a new one soon, which involves my mom using my phone to try and connect it to something (idrk), and i dont want her finding tumblr

mental health reasons. i havent actually been that bad but i know that if i find just the right post here, im gonna start spiralling and will probably relapse sh again

i've finally started watching bungo stray dogs about a week ago and it's possessed my entire being and is the main thing im thinking about constantly. i've already finished the show, bsd wan, the dead apple movie, and the beast life action movie. i've also ordered no longer human by osamu dazai from the library and plan on reading the mangas for bsd, bsd dead apple and bsd wan, and i plan on watching the bsd stageplays. not to mention, i've gotta rewatch bsd, bsd wan, and bsd dead apple as the english dub, and maybe even the french dub if i can find it. and of course, i've gotta play the bsd mobile game too. i much rather be consuming bsd content then being on tumblr tbh, i havent had a genuine hyperfixation on a source of media in like foreverrrr

[taniushka12]

tagged by @autisticwriterblog!!! thank you, 🤗🤗💞💞

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

on ao3 just 79! been posting there since 2015 but im a busy bee u_u

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

177103 😌

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The most I've written for in the past decade are Haikyuu -> Wolf359 -> Tma -> Alwake

4. Top five fics by kudos

Antropofagia (147) the one and only jon/martin ive ever written where web!martin eats a guy and then ponders about his humanity w/ his boyfriend

Lipstick Stains (143) Jon/Tim/Sasha fluff ♥

The dance of the spider and the flame (126) web!martin/desolation!tim fluff (pseudo fluff? its fluffy to Me) w/ a side of meta

Ridiculous monster man (118) Jon/Tim angst 😔

Un hombro en el cual dormir (86) Tsukki/Yama fluff ♥

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to! sometimes it takes me a Considerate amount of time but I always leave them unread until I get to do it ;o;

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

sticking to remedy (for this and the next question) id say Clouds of pink and storm, where Alice experiences the final reunion w/ Alan in aw:an but then wakes up, assuming it was merely a dream and that he's still dead ;_;

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hypothermia where Alan gets out of the dark place and can finally sleep in peace surrounded by the people he loves ♥♥♥

8. Do you get hate on fics?

one (1) time in my first tma fic, but I just deleted it and moved on ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (joke on them bc that Is my most popular fic lmfao)

9. Do you write smut?

sometimes. I hate writing it almost as much as I like thinking abt it, which puts me on a difficult position 😔

10. Craziest crossover?

😶 do not have one..

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i translated many of my hq and w359 fics from spanish to english, if that counts!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope! im pretty protective of my stories... although I lowkey wanna try it sometime, making aus and stories with people is Fun ;o;

14. All time favourite ship?

ALL TIME FAVORITE is hard, but as of Right Now its alan/alice/barry and any permutation of those three ♥ i love them ;o;

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

the hannibalesque au... a martin/elias fic that was supposed to be my tma magnus opus, last time i opened it it was pushing 20k and quite literally only needed two scenes to be complete, but also thinking abt tma always puts me on such a sour mood and, while i love the ship, i couldn't care less about elias himself,,, still love the fic but god getting into the mindset to write it is hard to say the least Q_Q

16. What are your writing strengths?

id like to think characterization! and dialogue 🥰

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

larger plot...? thinking around specific scenes i wanna write sometimes gets tedious so i prefer writing snippets of stuff :/ also staying motivated on the thing 😔

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

if done right it can add flavor to the story! but its a hit or miss and when it misses it can be soooooo so bad Q_Q i dont believe you Need beta reads for fics but in this case you Gotta have someone that speaks the language available, and Please dont just translate words at random

19. First fandom you wrote in?

phineas & ferb :') still got some one shots printed somewhere in my room lmao

20. Favorite fic you've written?

oof. hard to say. but I'll go with:

Desperately Safe (tma, peter/salesa) what if a charismatic yet highly paranoid man and the misanthropic heir of the lonely found refuge in each other? and they were both sailors?

Recognition Through Fear (tma, martin/annabelle) in which the resident "spider monster" lady who was formerly arachnophobic shows signs that she never Actually stopped being scared of them, and the resident "fear buffet" guy who hates her guts (yet loves spiders) tries to make her life just a little bit easier by carefully picking the spiders integrated to her skull. a small moment of kindness in an otherwise unkind world u_u

Hypothermia (alwake, alan/alice/barry) you know that one 😉

tagging: @lostinthewoodsomewhere, @wolf-three-fifty-nine, @florallychaotic and @ilkkawhat 🤗

[my-rights-are-grian-rights]

OC ask game

🎭: 1,8,13

⤴️: 1,8,13

(Pic of dom with chicken nuggets because I like him)

HIIIIII :DD

picking the combinations I actually have to Think About hmm

also I’m putting this whole thing under a readmore because it got So long and rambly

1. Excluding murder, what is the worst thing your OC has ever done?

🎭: this guy has several variants but I’d say the worst non-murder thing it’s done that’s consistent among most of them (or at least what it believes is the worst thing it has done, which is similar but perhaps not the same) is (accidentally) possess the dead body of a close friend. the worst thing it’s done could also be aiding and abetting the leader of a mind control cult. but that doesn’t always happen.

⤴️: well like his job does include assigning and overseeing the punishment (torture) of anyone who does something considered “bad,” no matter the context. also he has people he made deals with so that they kill people for him in exchange for the continuation of their own (or someone else’s, in one special case) life. listen his source material is silly and i think his canon character might be the villain in a season I haven’t read yet

8. Would your OC consider themself evil?

🎭: no, not really! it considers itself selfish, yes, and perhaps too careless about the the lives of others, but it’s not evil.

(it’s got a bleeding heart inside all that porcelain.)

⤴️: if you called him evil he’d be like yeah I’m the devil. lol

13. Who does your OC hate the most?

TUMBLR DELETED MY STUFF. RAH. EVERYTHING AFTER THIS IS REWRITTEN.

anyways

⤴️: questions that made me read 30 more episodes of the source material! I need to diverge him from canon but then ive got a guy who fills a similar niche in a different way already. i do have two hands though I guess. (not like that) anyways idk enough of the lore (source material or. his own lore) to answer that question I think oops

🎭: a big part of what makes this guy so silly and self indulgent for me is the fact that it like. always acts kinda flippant about things no matter the setting. which tbh most of my faves are like that but you know. but anyways!! in general (bc it gets put in different medias in my brain) i think the kinda person it would hate the most is the kind that genuinely doesn’t value like. human life. or like the lives of the ppl around them? idk maybe that’s a bit silly to say but like. in the first thing I ever put it in it got really super attached to a group of ppl (at least partially bc of someone else but shhh) and so like. it had a wholeeee thing about that in my head and so. I think if it met someone who a. had ppl who were close to them and cared about them and b. utterly disregarded or even actively harmed those people then it would. not be happy

it’s silly because it’s the guy who i get to destroy with no consequences! because of the mechanics of how it works! except no it’s gotta have actual stuff to it too. and it’s gotta use the things I’ve decided are true for it and take them to logical conclusions. because that’s how it works

too much commentary in those by the end. oh well!! you wouldn’t talk to me still if you minded me rambling. and rambling

[rrratbastard]

rat blabs about their weird art complex again

i think, despite my anger at doing this, that this break from art is going to end up being a positive like I thought it'd be. ive been struggling so hard to not think about the concept of "catching up with lost time", an extension of my spite from dropping art in my college years for the sake of my academics. for a major that I hold little passion for nowadays. 5-6 years of not practicing my craft because it felt superfluous and I wasn't that good at it anyways.

but an extension of that dreaded concept was the need for validation. selfmade victim of the numbers game, doing art for the sake of having a perceived steady output and progression rather than doing it for fun and for my self fulfillment. I can't do that anymore, that kinda life isn't for most people anyways. that shits for people who has art ooze out of them at every pore, but that isn't me.

im just some brat who likes drawing furries and wants to draw even more suggestively but also maybe doing cool shit at cool angles. i won't always have something to draw, and that's okay. this is a hobby, not a lifestyle, not the sole worth determining facet of my life.

im 27, I'm still getting better at this art thing. that's fine. i got a lot of time ahead of me and as much as I hate studying and put it off, the fundamentals are improving every time I return to the blank canvas. i just gotta keep that in mind. the lines will get looser, the anatomy will look more natural, and the colors... will come eventually. that shit I still need to build the balls to experiment with ngl.

anyways, I'm done blabbing. it's a weird weekend with grieving family right now, my weird motivational struggles with art isn't a high priority thing. I just wanted to do a little cathartic blabbing online. i won't delete this one, this one'll stay. doesn't serve a purpose if it doesn't, me.

[insufferable-talkstuck]

fo da classpecting

first things first I am incredibly lonely; come to think of it, my entire family is lonely. I was pretty isolated in my childhood, and no matter how I tried to talk to others, people eventually forgot I existed. I dont socialize with a lot of people now and i dont know how to. Same deal with my family, they think they have new friends in a new neighborhood and suddenly nobody is talking with them much anymore. In some instances its kind of funny when people forget that im there, and whenever I leave its like their short-term memory deletes me from their brain.

I was also a very very angry child. Im still angry but i repress it around people. One thing that really annoys me is when people assume im "pure" or "innocent" when i do not view myself like that at all. Its so goddamn weird when I do something and someone else is like "you're a little ray of sunshine!" no i am not. Stop acting like i am a baby. Im an angry and vengeful person who's become depressed enough to not have the energy to actively pursue my vengeance spree. I can only do it in my mind because of the no-energy thing, where im fucking shit up in a violently physical way. in my mind, they always deserve it.

I dont care about liars at all, however its a specific type of liar. if you lie to protect something other than yourself, thats fine. if you lie for malicious reasons i hope you get dropped off a cliff. I destroyed someone elses friendship on purpose because I lead them into exposing their own lie. It was me and 4 other people against the 1 person, and i put the idea of and encouraged/pushed the other 4 into essentially ostracizing the other person from the group. and yknow what? it was really fucking fun to do it. felt great.

Going back to the socialization thing, letting people know me is an awful feeling. I could tell someone online only my name and im already contemplating fake-deleting my account so i'll never have to talk to them again. I have been hurt repeatedly in the past by friendships and people ive trusted, so ive just adopted the principle that people cannot hurt me if they do not know me.

And not gonna lie, i do not expect to live long. im nearing the age i thought id die at and im slowly losing faith in the fact that i'll die by then, and i dont know what to do because that belief has been with me for most of my life. My whole life has just been "whats the point if im gonna die soon? why plan for anything?" and now i gotta start planning for shit because life doesnt work like that.

Prince of Time

princes are probably my favorite class, can you tell? the other classpect i thought about would be thief of space, im putting that out there if you think it's more fitting but let's get into prince of time

you say you're a very lonely person and have trouble socializing, the space bound are the designated lonely players—

—Time and Space are opposites, each one across of eachother in the aspect wheel and very different in themselves, when a player falls under a destructive class however they often neglect their own aspect and portray the opposing one ( Dirk being the prince of heart; having trouble expressing emotion, having "mind-control" like powers, destroying heart and soul.. all that. as well as Eridan the prince of hope; having outbursts of rage, destroying all hope within his session, deeming himself "hopeless" )

Time players are also associated with destruction and decay—do with that what you will i thought it should be stated considering your whole outlook on things

aand lastly the age concern, in hindsight it's extremely stupid to take a depressing attitude you have twords living and turn it into a reason for classpecting but that's what you're here for and I deliver. being a Prince of Time somebody who destroys time wouldn't be too uncharacteristic of an assumption to make about someone who doesn't think they have a lot of time left

๑ a prince of time would be extremely dangerous to have in a session and could very easily break the game, anyway, this was the best i could do go hit some clocks bye ๑

[jbt7493]

dream journal

normally i keep my dream journal somewhere else but someone on tumblr whas relvant so here.

mother Fucker i deleted the whole thing by accident somehow. okay i gotta retype it but itll be simple because im annoyed. sorry you lose out on detail

dream primarily revolving around a piece of media (unsure if game or manga) that was the second installment in the series and was an isekai. in terms of being the second installment, they failed and died during their previous isekai and the first installment ended with their demise; they isekai'd again. the second one was absurdly long, i think the first one was too but it wasnt mentioned much in the dream.

in the first village the protagonist showed up in, they went into the village and an attempt was made on their life immediately to human sacrifice them. they killed multiple villagers (they were kinda already a skilled fighter after the first time being isekai'd) and then set the entire village on fire. they saved a child from the fire who ended up being their primary companion and the second most important character, if not actually the first in terms of narrative significance, through the story despite having been the direct murderer (even if in self defense. she didnt see it that way obv) of her father and having destroyed her entire home.

rose had recommended it to me (again im unsure if its a game or a book. i mean i knew whatever it was in the dream but i forgot that part. anyway rose recommends me webcomics sometimes but this doesnt seem like their kind of video game) so i tried to lie for some reason and say i already had read/played it and i just read/watched-someone-play the ending (again unsure :p) and i was like oh this is realllly packed to the gills with emotional payoff for like an insanely long campaign through the entirety of this little fantasy world with so much emotional tension and baggage from the whole 'murdered your dad and razed your village' thing, maybe i should Actually play/read it.

most of what ive said so far points to a manga but then, at the end the protagonist was like, trying to delay doing the last thing theyd need to do to end their journey by hunting big monsters and making high quality gear from their parts. which is a very video game thing. so i see three options.

it was in fact a video game

it was a manga but the author (a tulpa constructed in my dream remember) decided to evoke the behavior of somebody avoiding the end of the game in the behavior of the protagonist, who was isekai'd from the modern world and played rpgs, as a sign of their reluctance to end their journey.

it was just influence from dave the diver because ive been playing that. hunta da big shark

[ladyimaginarium]

helloo, i hope its okay for me to send this here… but! i saw you made a post on @multiplicity-positivity and mentioned indigenous people with a low quantum bloodline, and it got me thinking.

my maternal grandfather was a member of the blackfeet (specifically aamsskáápipikani) nation. he was born and grew up there, but moved to florida in the 60s, where he met my grandma. i never met him (he died before i was born), but i heard a lot about him growing up. his name was something like “barking yellow coyote” but everyone called him frankie, and thats how hes referred to by my grandma when we talk about him.

no one in my family is very interested in connecting with our indigenous roots, and i never would have considered myself indigenous since my family is so white passing. my mom turned out pretty light skinned despite being mixed, and all of my siblings and i are very white. but ive always felt so pulled to the blackfeet nation for my whole life. i used to ask about my grandpa all the time, and even though ive never met him i feel so connected to him and ive always felt this drive to immerse myself in his culture and learn more about the blackfoot nation. i feel guilty about it though, since im basically white and i dont want to intrude in a space that isnt for me.

i guess what im wondering is… is it okay to want to connect with the blackfoot nation if i have never been to the actual reservation, and have never even met my only relative who was a full-blooded member? am i considered partially indigenous, and am i allowed to try and explore that aspect of my identity?

idk your post really spoke to me and so i wanted to reach out. im sorry if this is breaking any of your boundaries or something. if im being totally honest i didnt really check out your blog too much before i hit the ask button… you can just delete this if you’re uncomfortable responding. either way thanks for reading, have a great day!

-🍓🌙 (my emoji tag just in case you do post this)

Hi, uh. Sorry, we& just woke up from an unexpected nap and I& guess I'm& fronting now? This shit is weird, it never happened to me& before but here we& are. Anyway, nice to meet you. To answer your question, we're& not bodily Blackfoot or anything like that but I& think it's only natural that you'd wanna discover and reclaim your heritage. Usually there's a reason for it. I'd& say go for it as long as you be respectful about it and do it for the right reasons. Blood quantum is colonizer bullshit. But keep in mind there's no "part" indigenous of anything, you either are or you aren't. That's all I& really gotta say on the topic. We're& glad it touched you and collectively wish you the best if you do end up reconnecting to your heritage, just know it's a long and hard journey and from experience, it isn't always fun because you also have to dig up intergenerational trauma and all that other shit, and you also have to be active and fight for your community, it's definitely not all fun and games, but it's worth it. To anybody else who's disconnected and who reads this: please don't give us& your whole entire life story and ask us& if you're Native enough, don't ask us& questions about your place in the Native community, or whether you're Native or not, or on whether you can do certain things, especially if you haven't even started your reconnection journey. I& realize we're& very vocal on our& indigeneity and the issues our& communities face, we're& collectively flattered you guys come to us& about these things, but that doesn't automatically mean that it's an invitation to come into our& inbox and seek validation, especially if we're& not from your nation. We're& not elders or knowledge keepers. Thanks.

— 🍊 / Clementine Maria Jasmine Cree&, she/her; they/them.

[justkeepdancing-nemo]

Failing Nemo || Romo Texts

Summary: On the last week of the term, the stress from uni becomes too much for Nemo.

Part One of Finding Nemo: Uni Arc

tw: anxiety, depression

DECEMBER 13

Nemo Bae

hey heeeeeey hi what r u doing rn are u studying? [deleted] pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee [deleted] im losing my mind haha

Robbie

Hey Yeah, I'm studying for my anatomy final which is kind of boring but I swear they added more parts to the human body since I last learned this Nemo Bae

ahahh there are like a tonne of bones thats so weird tho ur a vet student shouldnt u learn about animal parts

Robbie

I think that comes next when I get into more specialized stuff ugh so many bones though you're right how are you though

Nemo Bae

missing youuuu come hang out with me

Robbie

How is studying for finals going? Last time I came to see you we didn't study at all. I failed you

Nemo Bae

thats bc i dont wanna study lol its pointless but hanging out with uuuu isnt

Robbie

Studying isn't pointless Why do you think it's pointless

Nemo Bae

i just cant do it lol i try and i cant pay attention and my back always hurts too much to like sit in one place but if i lay down i fall asleep bc its so boring my grades suck anyway

Robbie

aw that's probably not true I'm sure your grades don't suck I could come over and help you for real this time I can quiz you and stuff

Nemo Bae

they do robbie im not smart like you. i cant write like you. my grades are really bad and ive gotten incompletes in my fellows class because i havent even turned in stuff

Robbie

Hey you're smart don't say that

Nemo Bae

but its true im not smart okay im not cut out for this i dunno i feel like it was just a mistake and im gonna fail anyway so

Robbie

like going to school was a mistake? Nemo you're smart and you can do it. I know you can. You just have to keep trying. it sounds like you're giving up

Nemo Bae

yeah i am ahah ive TRIED ok i keep trying to study for my finals and i cant do it  i tried all semester but all i did was hurt myself so i couldnt even dance i have to write final papers in my ballet and contemporary classes now thats two more papers im just gonna go back to the hollow

Robbie

Nemo I can help okay it's not the end of the world and it's going to be fine

Nemo Bae

no its not you dont get it because tis easy for you

Robbie

it's not easy I still have to study like everyone else That's just how school is And if it looks easy it's because I had a lot of years to learn a lot of things But those were years where I had to try and study hard and put in the effort it doesn't just happen for me

Nemo Bae

well i shouldnt distract you from studying then

Robbie

Nemo

Nemo Bae

what? thats what you're saying you say you gotta study and all im doing is getting in your way you dont have time to help me anyway esp when it doesnt matter and its too late Robbie

We can talk about it more don't just pull away. That's not what I'm saying it's not too late we can work on it together

Nemo Bae

and then when i fail anyway????

Robbie

then you pick yourself up and try again You can replace those grades if you really think you're going to fail You can retake the class

Nemo Bae

i dont want to. i DONT. its too much and too stressful theres a reason not a lot of fairies go to uni esp not from a hollow im so tired of sucking this much

Robbie

You don't suck

Nemo Bae

how would u even know how much i suck robbie youre not in my classes do u want me to send u pics of all my shitty papers lol then youll realize im a lost cause

Robbie

I will never think you are a lost cause

Nemo Bae

i dont even see why we're arguing about this its not even your business

Robbie

Oh its not? im not supposed to care?

Nemo Bae

i just dont see why you do this much

Robbie

You don't see why I care about you and your life this much

Nemo Bae

i dont see why you care about whether or not i go to school if you cared about me then youd say ok nemo i love you but apparently i have to be a freaking genius for you too

Robbie

Because you wanted to go to school? Because you want to take all those dance classes?

Nemo Bae

but i was wrong okay? and it sucks and i spent my appa's money and he's gonna be disappointed in me and clearly you're disappointed in me

Robbie

im not disappointed I just think you're being too hard on yourself

Nemo Bae

i feel like quitting is actually finally letting myself chill but ok

Robbie

im just afraid you'd regret it and I really don't think it's as much of a lost cause as you think it is But I can butt out I guess im sorry

Nemo Bae

its my fault its fine i'll let you get back to studying [deleted] this conversation felt really bad, im sorry i was.. i didnt mean to make it sound [deleted] maybe we can try it, you helping me deleted] im sorry, robbie

Robbie

Yeah, if you wanna talk later just text me

Nemo Bae

okay

DECEMBER 13, SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

Robbie

hey i just wanted to check and see how you are doing and say i'm sorry for upsetting you

Nemo Bae

 you really dont have to apologize. im the one. i know i lashed out at you and took a lot of my frustration and stress out on you and im really sorry about that. i shouldnt have said a lot of the things i said. i know youre just caring about me. im feeling a little better now though

Robbie

That's good! If you want me to come over I can. I want to see you

Nemo Bae

oh im actually uh i kinda left lol i'll be back in a couple of days though! i wanna see you then

Robbie

You left?

Nemo Bae

yeah i think i needed to get out and clear my head and i already feel a lot better

Robbie

Oh okay that makes sense. Did you go to the hollow

Nemo Bae

no im going camping with tae

Robbie

camping?

Nemo Bae

yeah there's this campsite we went to in the summer its got little cabins too tho we might just sleep in the car

Robbie

aren't your finals and stuff...are you gonna miss them?

Nemo Bae

probably? i told you though, im gonna fail anyway and seriously as soon as i decided to go it was like a huge weight off my shoulders i'll work on my papers maybe a little while im gone idk

Robbie

okay I love you be safe please

Nemo Bae

we will! i love you too robbie i really do wanna talk when i get back

Robbie

ill be here

[campyvillain]

i just deleted this post ^ bc i’ve been seeing it circulate more but without the additions i’ve made n honestly i’ve had it up to here lmao

for like months on end ppl have been reblogging this unknowing that this led to me getting diagnosed w aphasia after an incident at school a few years ago that left me w some brain damage that went undetected at the time. while it answered a lot of things for me it also made a lot of things worse. originally when i didn’t know i had aphasia, i was fine w ppl reblogging it but now seeing people reblog it with things like “LOL THIS IS SO FUNNY HAHA ITS FUNNY THAT THIS PERSON JUST FORGETS THINGS A LOT” or people treating it like a spectacle or worst of all i’ve seen people REDRAWING IT WITH CHARACTERS FROM FANDOMS!!!! LIKE REDRAWING ME LITERALLY GETTING A DIAGNOSIS FOR BRAIN DAMAGE WITH FANDOM CHARACTERS. like i’m not even a person and that my struggles are the main center point.

and look i’m not here to say you CANT laugh at this post. i have many times and i’m genuinely thankful i learned i had aphasia even if it wasn’t thru conventional means but good god am i fucking tired of seeing people treat my condition as a joke. i am fucking tired of seeing people treat me like i’m lesser or that aphasia is a funny thing to go through.

aphasia is not a fun thing to deal with. there’s times where it feels like hell. i forget major parts about things i am extremely passionate about. there’s times where i forget what my house looks like, or where i even live. worst of all, what i before being diagnosed chocked up as nothing but typical monthly art block has instead being me forgetting entire parts of how to do art and having to pick up the pieces over the course of weeks to the point where even simple things can seem virtually impossible to draw. i say this is the worst because art is genuinely my main passion in life like in a way i can’t describe and having to deal with that at least once a month when i know i have the capability to do amazing things but my condition is halting me back from achieving that greatness is. fucking infuriating.

so yeah. there’s no harm in laughing at this post because it is really funny. i don’t blame you if you do. but to see it and then to decide trivialize aphasia like it’s just “haha funy dumb forget disorder” is really upsetting, and just shows that the ableism on this site, especially towards those w conditions that affect memory, is way more prevalent than you may think because for half a year ive had to put up w comments like that. with people basically calling me dumb because of something literally engraved in my brain. and i’m done. even though i like this post because it let to a major veil looming over my life to be lifted….you guys really gotta treat disabled people with Basic Human Respect for once LMAO

[tackycute]

.

[straighttohellbuddy]

you make me hate this city {Dream}

Summary: They/Them. A series of moments. Any publicity is good publicity, right? Well accidentally falling into beef with arguably the most popular Minecraft streamer in recent memory certainly keeps you relevant. But as time goes on, you realise more and more that staying relevant isn't the most important thing in the world.

A/N: 3009 words. i gotta stop adding 'i dont know what this is' to my authors notes but also i don't know what this is. i was listening to Happier Than Ever, but also OverHeated has better vibes for this fic. im actually incredibly happy with this one, like deadass a fan of my own wording lmfao. please let me know what you think. also i wrote this on my phone and welcome to 3.30am ive lost all control of my life.

Warnings: choking imagery but nothing actually serious.

Citrus Scale: 🧡 ORANGE 🧡

You blew up by accident, but isn't that the way it always seems to go these days?

---

"Wait, who? Dream, no I don't know who that is," you laugh dismissively, "contrary to popular belief, I don't know every online personality in Florida; it's a big place... why would I know a Minecraft youtuber? That's the kind of content that gets millions of subscribers on YouTube now? I thought we moved passed that."

In hindsight, it was kind of a shitty thing to say, and despite the fact that you'd been thinking of what you knew of the gaming community in the past few years, it still came off as arrogant. Usually you weren't one to portray yourself as arrogant online, you'd come to be known as something of a Zeitgeist of online society, your mind had been elsewhere at the time. You didn't know Dream, didn't realise he was much bigger than you'd been assuming, at least not until you'd woken up to his reply on twitter.

It had been deleted before you'd even properly seen it, probably only minutes after he'd posted it, but there were screenshots aplenty.

[incredibly bold words coming from a tiktok influencer 🙄🤡]

Your notifications were a bloodbath.

---

Despite your private apology, acknowledging what you'd said was out of line considering your own line of work, and his apology in response, admitting that he should have known better considering how rabid he knew his fans could get, there appears to be some hostility between the two of you. Publicly, that is.

It was all for show, though that was just between the two of you. The peanut gallery that was your audience paid good money for a fight like this, not that you'd ever voice that thought out loud. Considering how far apart your demographics were, and the size of your respective audiences, the way you two would interact kept you both relevant. Whether they were intrigued about the person antagonising their 'fav', or looking to clown on them, you both got a nice boost in numbers for each scathing interaction you'd shared online.

The people you had aligned yourself with socially ate it up too.

But something about their approval left a sour taste in the back of your mouth.

---

"It feels disingenuous," you huffed over a call with Dream, right after he'd posted a new Manhunt video to his main channel, "its a good video," you grumble.

"So don't send the tweet," he yawned, "or do; don't not tweet it if it's for my sake, I know you actually like my videos thats all that matters."

You press your lips together but hit send on [imagine posting essentially the same video 8 times,,, couldn't be me].

"You know I do actually think you're creative, right?" You tried to assure him.

"I know," and his voice is fond.

---

The city is fucking suffocating you and everyone's watching.

You feel like you'll be publicly hung for being genuine; getting famous on TikTok of all platforms has always felt a bit like that to you, but it didn't start getting constricting until all you want is to love and support creators outside of your bubble, outside of your shared demographic. The heat of early Summer is in your lungs, is choking you from the inside out.

And there have been times where you've considered running, considered never logging in again, driving until you're at a gas station two states over and gasping for air in a town where the people don't recognise you. You could stay there, if you really wanted, you could live in quiet obscurity if your heart really desired it. But it's its own kind of disingenuous.

[what if i drive until my wheels give out and then just stay there forever?]

[do you want company?] His answering text surprises you, and suddenly you can feel your heart beating in your throat. You ask if he's serious. He tells you he needs to get out of the city for a bit, even a few hours.

There's too many eyes in the city. On the road there's just his.

He's in your passenger seat and you're in your head wondering if this a fever dream, a mirage from the steadily growing summer heat. Maybe if you look directly at him, he'll disappear, so you don't, just incase. He opens the window, breeze catching in his fingers.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see him looking at you for a moment. Part of you wants to thank him for his company; this is the first time when you've wanted to run, when you've actually had a reason to come back. Don't think too hard about that.

You want to thank him for the company as there comes a lul in the conversation, but the wind rushing past you steals your nerve. You stay quiet, and turn up the radio.

The afternoon is growing late. Soon, you will head back. For him.

---

So you lay on his bed on your back, staring up at the ceiling, dead silent as you hear him talking and laughing with his friends as he streams. If you make a noise, your cover will be blown, you'll ruin this good thing, this ruse. The evening is sticky hot but the faint breeze is sweet. Looking over, you take a moment to admire his profile, aglow in the light of his monitor, beautiful in the warm haze of the night. Something twists in your gut, and you look away quickly, a little overwhelmed with the moment. So you stare at his bedroom ceiling, laying atop his covers, listening to him laugh, and you stay quiet.

---

He likes several tweets about the latest rumour about you; apparently you're an industry plant. No-one is quite sure which industry, but they're sure you're a plant. One of your stan accounts posts a screenshot of the tweets he likes, commenting [those in glass houses 🙄🙄] which you like. It's routine. It's a game. That night, the two of you spend an hour driving around as the sun sets, windows down and music blaring; your grip on the steering wheel is tight and his hand is on your thigh. You don't talk about what happens online. You don't talk about a lot of things. The light from the sunset is flattering for you both; people would say you're pretty together, picture perfect together, but no-one's allowed to know.

---

You attend parties, dressed to the nines, and you send him a photo from your bedroom before the night even begins. His response is sweet, but he doesn't dare interact when you post photos online a little while later.

[wish you were here] you send from the party as the fake laughter and constant camera flashes begin to grate on your nerves, [nothing feels real]. And after waiting a few minutes and getting no response, you put your phone back in your bag, plastering a grin on your face. Smile for the camera, its what you do best, it's how you got here.

When you feel your phone buzz, when you see he's simply offered an alternative, for you to come over and spend the rest of the night with him, you give your first genuine smile in hours. But someone catches it in the back of a photo, or perhaps a video on an Instagram story, maybe both, and everyone wants to know what had you smiling so brightly, why you'd made such a quick escape from the party after.

[only smile I've seen them give without dead shark eyes] Dream himself quote retweets someone's screenshot, and your lip curls in distaste at that. It's business, but it hits too close to home. You want to reassure him that he makes you happy, but it feels too honest, too raw. So you bite your tongue, keep quiet, give a snarky response online with your head in his lap.

---

"No I don't have thoughts about Mask -" your lip curls derisively. You've been listening to it on repeat. "What makes you think I spend my time thinking about Florida Man?" He'd think it was ironic, think it was amusing; you'd hear it before it had been released, sitting on the end of his bed, chin propped up on your hand as you beamed at him. He seemed pretty nonchalant as he'd asked you what you'd thought, but as you'd given a gentle, adoring sigh that spoke volumes on its own, you'd seen the way his posture had relaxed, the proud little smile he'd turned back to his monitor to hide.

"Everyone's a musician these days I guess," faced with the invasive reporter, you rolled your eyes.

---

The people you call friends because you know you should hide the way they look down on gaming, on streaming; it's good for clout, but it's not like it's a real job. Don't they get that none of your jobs are real? Influencers are the lucky, pretty few, famous for existing at right place at the right time. You didn't expect this. You didn't grow up wanting to be on display like you are now.

They think you'll join in on their scorn, and though you've got your public beef, of course, you're heart hasn't been in it for a long time.

"Its clown on clown violence," you'd muttered darkly, glowering into the frypan you'd been put in charge of. Sapnap, cutting vegetables beside you, sorts a laugh, and asks what your friends would say if they could see you now. Quiet now, you focus on the sizzling pan before you.

"They'd think you've been a bad influence on me," you murmur, expression scrunching up. Becoming friends with Sapnap was inevitable, and was amusing to the rest of the world; taking a liking to your perceived arch-enemy's best friend was a delightful twist of fate.

After a long moment of silence, with only the gentle cooking noises to fill the space between you, he tells you he likes you better offline. It might be one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to you.

---

Florida is better than LA, socially, but not by much. There's less influencers per capita. Small miracles.

The nights feel long here, but maybe there's too much on your mind for you to get to sleep. You post on your IG asking if anyone was awake and nearby. Predictably your DMs are flooded, but you're not sure what you're looking for, what you want. A few other sleepless friends respond, asking if you wanna meet up, make some impromptu content. Everything about you had become monetised, even your insomnia; everything tastes sour as you read through their messages.

But Dream texts you asking if you want to go for a drive. You don't even ask where, you just say yes.

You're in your pyjamas when he picks you up, but then again so is he, brightly patterned cotton shorts against the fancy leather seats. There's already music playing when you curl up in the front seat, some songs you recognise, some you don't, but it's enough to keep your thoughts at bay.

Streetlights glowing rose gold along the highway, you don't care where he's going. Even in the dark, when you turn to look at him, you can catch the serious, pensive look on his face.

You want to tell him you love him, but you can't open your mouth.

He drives up the coast in the dark, until the sky and sea begin to turn lilac beyond the windows. On a lookout near a town whose name you don't know, the two of you sit on the hood of his car and watch the sunrise. He's got his arm around you, resting his head against yours, and for a moment, you close your eyes.

"I wish I could tell people how happy you make me," your voice the thought that had been plaguing for months, and Dream holds you a little tighter. He turns, in that moment, and presses a fond smile against your temple, followed by a kiss.

After a moment, you pull out your phone, and quietly ask if you can take a photo of the two of you. He hesitates, but only for the barest moment.

"Who am I gonna send it to; Sapnap?" You asked, though the moment may be more revealing than you'd intended, as the realisation flashes through your mind that the two of them had somehow become your closest friends, and perhaps the only two friends you honest felt like you could trust.

But it's enough to convince Dream, whose smile is half hidden with the way he's resting his head against yours, the two of you warm and full of joy in the light of the sunrise. Something about the photo has your breath catching in your throat.

You make the photo your phone background. He doesn't comment, but when you glance to him, you can see how wide his smile is.

---

The change is gradual. Bit by bit you force yourself back to being the person you started out as, the person you were offline, the version of you that you actually liked. It's the return of authenticity, of doing the things you actually enjoyed instead of whatever was on trend.

You didn't go to parties if you didn't like the people. You stopped making content with the people you knew were just using you for clout. You let yourself find joy in the work you did.

The people who mattered in your life respected it, applauded it, encouraged it. It felt good to laugh on camera and mean it. The uptick in followers may be from how genuine you were now being with the content you made, but with each day, you found yourself caring less and less about the numbers. It was freeing.

---

"I love you."

He says it first, late at night, for no reason that you can see. You'd been in his kitchen, one earbud in and video pause as you were whisper-ranting about how Tommyinnit didn't deserve the shit he got online-

"- he's good kid, and damn funny too! If I hear someone shittalk him in real life, I don't know, I feel like I'd start biting people - or maybe I'm biased, or need sleep; what time is it? -"

"I love you," and he's giving you this adoring look that had the words dying in your throat as you process the moment. He's sitting on his kitchen counter, wearing your merch hoodie, looking like something out of a dream you'd once had. Then, softly, finally, you find your voice and the words you've been longing to say;

"I love you, too."

His smile grows a touch wider, a touch fonder.

And you wonder where it came from, somehow without seeing how long the moment had been coming.

---

You agree to be on podcasts because the concept intrigues you, and happily and candidly admit that your shift in branding, in tone, in vibe if you will, was down to one thing; love.

And yes, finding someone was the catalyst, but it was realising that you didn't even like who you'd become that had been the driving force behind the change. You wanted to be able to love the content you created. You wanted to be able to love the version of yourself you put out into the world.

But the only thing the audience cares about, of course, is the revelation that you're in love.

---

[has enough time passed? am i allowed to admit publicly that i simp for @dream]

"Babe!" Comes shouted from the next room over less than thirty seconds after you post your tweet. The comes your boyfriend, practically tackling you, grinning from ear to ear as he bemoans how there's no way he can respond to that without giving anything away. You're cackling with delight at his dilemma, before pointing out that unless it was spelled out, no-one would be able to guess at the truth.

In the end, he quote tweets your post with [on your enemies-to-lovers arc i see].

---

There's an afternoon where you fall asleep on his sofa wearing one of his merch hoodies, one of his personal ones, oversized even on him, that had been tossed to the side but still clean enough for your liking. He'd been trying to get a cute and not-blurry photo of Patches in some of the new pet-merch, but she wasn't interested, clearly, preferring to trot out to you, curling up, radiating purrs by your stomach as you napped.

The photo he takes doesn't have your face in frame, but if anyone looked hard enough they could probably make an educated guess as to who was in the photo. There's something so soft about it, about how Patches was blinking happily at the camera as her little paws came to rest on your arm, warm and comfortable in the afternoon light.

"Patches, my beloved," you mumble groggily as you crack an eye open. It takes you half a moment to take in the scene, but you seem content to brush off her apparent favouritism by telling him that the hoodie smells like him. Your half asleep mind meant it to be an explanation for the cat's behaviour, but as you close your eyes again, you miss the way he goes vaguely pink and endeared, as you bury yourself further into the hoodie as best you can.

When you wake properly, you give your blessing for him to post it to Instagram. But the thing that catches you off guard is that he's made it his lock screen.

---

"Accidentally shittalking you might be the best thing I ever did," you murmur, tracing his features, illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the window. He laughs, and your fingers follow the curve of his cheek. Like this, he is beautiful, and he is yours.

You want to tell him you love him, so you do.

[btsbesharam]

.