#anyway its 1am and i am in my feelings about love

[captainimprobable]

I have one thing left from my ex. A few months ago, I took all her gifts, all her love letters, all her jewelry, and I threw it in the garbage,  I’m never getting those things back, and that’s okay, because I don’t want them.  We broke up over a year ago, I don’t need those things.  And now there’s nothing left. Except for this stuffed bunny. She gave it to me on our second date.  She met me at the train with flowers, and I remember thinking about how nobody had ever bought me flowers before.  We had a picnic in the park, played cards, hung out with her best friends, and she gave me the bunny. It’s been two years since that date.  I don’t love her.  I don’t miss her.  But I don’t know what to do about this stupid fucking bunny. I could throw it out.  I could give it away.  But it’s my last connection to the first person I ever fell in love with.   There were so many red flags, but tonight I’m just thinking about the green ones.  The time she stayed up all night sitting on her bathroom floor while I hugged the toilet seat trying not to puke, telling me funny stories to distract me. The night she wrapped me in a blanket, sat me on her lap, and pointed out constellations I had never even heard of.  I had no idea she was breaking up with me just a few weeks later. The time she told me she loved me.  How wide her eyes were, how scared she looked, how I screamed and threw down my bag and kissed her, and she thought she did something wrong until I sat her down and smiled at her.   How I told her I loved her a few days later outside of a truly disgusting subway station. She loved pokemon, and hair dye, and piercings, and for one summer we had a whole apartment to ourselves in Florida for a week, and it was like a dream. It’s been over a year since I last saw her.  She’s had a girlfriend since then.  She’s changed her hair.  I hear she moved apartments and got a new job. I shaved my head.  I’ve gained 30 pounds.  I’ve got a new job too.  I’ve been on dozens and dozens of dates.   We are not the same people we used to be. But I still have this bunny.  This stupid fucking bunny that sits in the corner on the floor of my room that I can’t bear to throw out because I have nothing left of her.  And all I feel when I look at it is anger.  But there’s a part of me, a small part of me, that remembers what falling in love for the first time was like. And even though she forced me out of love, even though it’s been over and will be over forever, even though I’m grateful I’ll never see her again, even though we are completely different people from two years ago, from the day she gave me the toy, I can’t ever forget what it felt like to feel as loved as I did when she gave it to me. And I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way again. So for now, the stupid fucking bunny sits on the floor collecting dust.  I’ll probably throw it out soon.  I might rip it to pieces for the catharsis.  But until that day, it’s going to sit there, and it’s going to watch me become a person she would never recognize. And that’s going to have to be okay.

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

[unsolvedjarin]

Thinking about a kimi x fem! Driver! Reader who is basically the female version of Sebastian, where the fic is kimi and the reader doing a challenge for Ferraris channel, the reader being a bit of a know it all, and kimi just not caring

You can choose if it’s romantic or platonic:) thank you!

FERRARI AND CHINESE FOOD

pairing: (kimi raikkonen x ferrari driver! reader)

summary: ferrari has a sunshine driver and an iceman driver partake in a challenge for their youtube channel. thankfully, the sun can melt ice.

note: its 1am sorry i have no comprehensive thoughts this is a bit bad but have it anyways i am proud i made this with less than 5 hours of sleep. okay enjoy anon!!!!

content warning: my grammar at 1am

“Another one,” Kimi groans, throwing himself onto the couch in his room.

“Oh come on it’s not that bad,” you say with a grin, closing the door behind the both of you so no one could come in. You’re sure if Kimi had to talk to another person from the media he might explode. “Besides, this next one is the last one for today.”

“For today,” he emphasizes, groaning into a throw pillow once more. You’d both been doing media duties for Ferrari all day, and while it was tiring, you would say some of them had been fun and enjoyable. Although, evidently not for your teammate.

“Cheer up Kimi, it’ll be over soon,” you smile, sitting on the edge of the couch where he was laying down. You sigh, knowing the one thing that would get him to cooperate. “Dinner will be on me after.”

That grabs his attention, slightly pulling himself up and looking at you. “You mean that?”

“God you’re like a child I have to bribe,” you tease, yet with no malice. “Yes, I mean that.” You loved spending time with Kimi, and whenever there were media duties you both always had food afterwards. It was like a reward of sorts.

“Where d’ya wanna go?” Kimi mumbles, laying down on his side and resting his head on his hand. He was staring straight at you, waiting for a response. You think he looked pretty like this.

Smiling at him, you take your hand and run it through his hair softly, unable to help yourself. You would never normally do this, but you barely got moments alone during media week. Kimi grumbles but doesn’t stop you, you knew he always secretly liked it. “I dunno, what’re you up for?”

“Mmm…” he nuzzles into your hand a bit more, “Maybe chinese. I would enjoy some dumplings right now.”

“We can get Chinese then.”

Before you could have another moment of peace, however, a PR agent walked in the room to remind you that your next shoot was in ten minutes. You quickly pulled your hand away and Kimi sat up hastily, trying to fix up his hair. You give the agent an awkward thumbs up, hoping he got the message to leave.

“Okay, you’re right, this incessant filming is a bit tiring,” you say the second the door closes.

“Told you,” he simply replies. You pout in return, slumping your form beside him. He thought you looked so cute like this. Holding your cheek, he kisses your forehead, your nose, then your mouth, making you scrunch up your face. He chuckles, at least he made you feel a bit better.

“I should probably get ready for the shoot. You good here?” You ask, getting up from the couch. Kimi hums a yes, but doesn’t let go of your hand. “I’m not sure if you’re aware, Kimi, but you will have to let go of my hand so I can get to my room.”

He looks at you with puppy eyes for a second before reluctantly letting go, deciding to lay back down on the couch.

“You’re not gonna get ready?”

Kimi shakes his head, eyes already closed ready for a five minute nap. You scoff softly at him, before heading for the door. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” he mumbles. Kimi was not a man of many words by any means, but he would always utter those back to you. Smiling to yourself, you shut the door and get ready for the shoot.

“So this is how the challenge goes: you have to compete with each other on who knows your fellow drivers and each other the best, and of course, most points win. You’ll write your answers on a whiteboard so there’ll be no cheating.” The interviewer behind the camera explains. You nod, giving her a signal that you were ready for them to start filming. Kimi sat beside you on a couch, his face not showing any emotions whatsoever. Looks like you would be doing the heavy lifting on this shoot today.

They snap the check in front of the camera, and the interviewer asks the first question. “Starting with something simple, who on the grid has the most wins?”

“Oh, easy.” you mumble, writing your answer down on your board. Kimi wrote his answer in silence, not talking even when he finished.

“Done?”

You nod, both you and Kimi showing your boards. Lewis Hamilton.

“Easy enough, next question! Who was Y/N’s idol growing up?”

“Aha! You should know this, I told you about it before!” you exclaim, poking Kimi. He grunts, “Not fair, she knows her own idol of course.”

“Sorry, the question wasn’t finished. For Y/N, who was Kimi's idol growing up?” The girl adds.

Oh. Your smile drops as you look to the man beside you who, for the first time in any of the shoots you did today, showed emotion by grinning wickedly at you. “You should get this, I told you about it before,” he teases, echoing your own words. You think for a second before writing down a guess of an answer.

“Time’s up! Can you both please show your boards.”

You reveal yours first, the words Ayrton Senna scribbled down on it. Looking at the man beside you for confirmation, he shakes his head.

“Awh no way! Who’s your idol then?”

Kimi shrugs his shoulders, not answering your question. He didn’t even give Ferrari an answer for that one. He looks at his own empty board for a second before jotting down an answer he’s sure is wrong, but he’s also sure as hell is funny.

Turning his board around, you see Kimi Raikkonen written down with a smiley face beside it. You snigger loudly before replying, “Sure it is bud. In your dreams, maybe.”

“Unfortunately, that is incorrect, Kimi.” The interviewer calls out.

“Go figure,” he mumbles wryly, making you grin even wider.

“No, his answer is correct.” You joke, trying to tease him even more. He gives you a look but you simply keep your sly grin. He decides to drop it, after all he at least made you smile. That in itself deserves a point.

The questions went on for a while, before they got to the harder ones. “Okay, amping it up a notch, who won the 1985 World Championship?”

“Woah, that escalated quickly,” you exclaim, pausing to think for a second.

So far the score was 4-1 for you and Kimi respectively, as he really wasn’t trying at all. You’re pretty sure he could’ve gotten the question about what year Fernando Alonso came into F1 right if he cared. Jotting your answer down to the current question, you see Kimi from your peripheral vision trying to take a peek of your board.

“Hey!” you smack him lightly with your board, “Cheater.”

He smirks, trying to block your second hit. “Wasn’t cheating.”

You continue writing your answer but this time hiding it from Kimi, keeping it as close to your chest as possible. He looks at you for a second as if planning something before going back to write on his own board. Well– he pretends to write something, but you can see him just drawing a star in the corner of his board.

“What’re you planning?” You mumble. Kimi simply shrugs his shoulders, but you can see the slight grin playing on his lips. Locking in your answer, you feel the couch shift slightly to your left. Kimi inched a little closer without you sensing it. He notices your side eye and realizes it’s now or never, and tries to tackle you to see your board.

You shriek, attempting to hide your board from him by sliding down the sofa, to no avail. Your reaction was too slow and he was already on your side of the couch. You were giggling helplessly at this point, unable to contain your joy. Opening your eyes that you didn’t notice you closed, you’re met with a large smile, your teammate proud of himself.

“Get off of me Raikkonen!” You exclaim, using his last name for emphasis. You try to shove him off but he stays solid slightly on top of you, still pretending to try and take a peek of your board. You knew he didn’t give a damn about those answers anymore.

“Say please,” he mutters, still smirking. You truly didn’t know what had gotten into him.

“Please get off of me, you bastard.”

In truth Kimi didn’t want to, he enjoyed seeing your face scrunch up under him with a laugh. He had forgotten about the cameras a long time ago– they weren’t important to him. He just liked seeing you smile. Still, he knew the faster they finished this challenge the faster he could get some alone time with you.

He finally concedes and moves back to his spot on the couch, fixing his hair and going back to writing his answer as if nothing happened. You sit up straight, fix your shirt, and do the same. The crew looked confused, feeling like they saw something that they shouldn’t have. You didn’t care, though. If anyone asked you would just say what you always did, that physical touch was your love language with friends. It wasn’t necessarily a lie, except for the fact that Kimi wasn’t just a friend.

The interviewer clears her throat before speaking up again, “Okay– uh– answers?”

“Prost, of course.” You answer with a smile. You loved studying the history of Formula One. Even though you couldn’t see, Kimi gave you the softest look he has in a while. He loved how you genuinely lit up whenever something you liked came up.

“And you, Kimi?” The interviewer asks, making the man snap out of his moment of adoration.

Kimi flips his board, a Lewis Hamilton written on it. The interviewer shakes her head but continues, “I’m sure that’s a gag answer b—”

“Is it?” Kimi butts in.

“I’m sorry?”

“Is it a gag answer?”

You shove Kimi softly on his side, “Don’t mess with her like that!”

He chuckles, before raising his hands in defeat. “Whatever you say.”

The rest of the game moves pretty quick, save for a quick argument between you and Kimi on what Sebastian’s favorite track was. As you both leave the set, you give Kimi a sneaky grin. “Bold move earlier.”

“Hmm?”

“Doing all that tackling in front of the camera. I thought you were the one who said we should be discreet. You definitely gave Ferrari a lot of bonus content. I’m sure they’ll cut it out though.”

“Ehh,” Kimi shrugs, not replying for a good while as you both walk out the Ferrari building and out into the night streets. You knew he was trying to find the right words, trying to figure out how to articulate his thoughts. It was part of the reason why he didn’t like talking so much.

Once outside he wraps his arms around you, a sign that he was finally back in the present and ready to talk. “I just wanted people to know, you know?”

“Know what? That you have a quarterback tackle?”

He chuckles at the recent memory before replying, “No, that I love you.”

You blush, hoping Kimi didn’t see it. He did. You carry on your conversation, “And how exactly did you plan to convey that message when they don’t even know we’re in a relationship?”

“Hey, Sebastian knows.” He argues.

“Seb hardly counts, he practically forced his way into figuring it out.”

Kimi shakes his head, his arms still around you. “And he walked into a room at the wrong time.”

His comment makes you laugh, a soft smile on your face as you turn to face him. “I love you, you know that?”

“Mhm. Love you too. Even if I don’t say it much.”

Your grin grows even larger, leaning up to kiss him. “You don’t have to say, I know.” He kissed you back, and he could feel your smile as he did. He thinks it’s crazy that he’s hidden such a blessing from the world. How you ever loved someone like him, he didn’t know, but he wouldn’t change it for the world.

Pulling away, he gives you a smile that only you get to see. The softest in the world, looking at you as if you were the world. He breaks eye contact to hold your hand, headed towards the chinese restaurant down the road. “Okay, now dumplings.”

[snowthedemonfox]

am i too late to join in on this-

anyway uhh HI ive wanted to make a carnival au version of tynie for AGESSSS but never had any ideas?? but then like 2 hours ago it HIT ME and i ran to get this done

tynies entire thing is like. being a cute lil plushie. where can you get cute lil plushies? you can win them in carnival games. the stars alligned in my brain and it was amazing. honestly, while base tynie is more of a pessimist, thats mainly cause of the whole 'human stuck in the form of a cute plush cat and she hates it' thing. carnival tynie doesnt care about that! so she's probably, at the very least, doing somewhat better than tadc tynie. good for her

when it comes to character interactions, i think she in general only talks to the others if shes forced to. we're talking 'being dragged out of her room by her tail' levels of forced. unless she actually feels like interacting. which happens sometimes i guess lmao

but besides that i dont have much else for her rn, its like 1am so ill think of more later LOL

uhHHH yeah i love this au. its so interesting and i love all the lore and all the artwork for it so im surprised it took me this long to add tynie. my bad- but yeah CARNIVAL AU IS BY @sm-baby!!!! YIPPIEE!! please go follow her omg you wont regret it

UHHHHH YEAH! BONUS STUFF UNDER THE CUT (ITS NOT MUCH BUT MIGHT AS WELL ADD IT)

i gave her a pinwheel :)

[hotdilfs11]

People We Met In Supermarkets pt 3- Damon x Reader

✩Jade had some past secrets she's been keeping away from the Salvatores especially Damon. Ever since she met them she only told bits and pieces about herself, and it's so bad that they don't even know that Jades older than them. What secrets are she keeping and will it come out? Who or what is hiding?

✩parings:Girl name Jade x Damon

warnings:mention of stabbing/being casted away

--------------------------------------------------------

 As night fell, the Salvatore house was surprisingly peaceful and quiet. No talking or arguing it was just dead silence however, I could hear Elena human heart pumping with blood but other than that nothing. Stefan was with Elena in his room and Damon and I were in our own separate rooms. I think he’s giving me space because he would've been all over me the minute we got home and I wish he was. Even though we’ve been apart for at least four hours I still wanted to march in his room and coddle him. I never wanted to be away from him and I always wished I met him before Elijah and Klaus but it's in the past and this is now. Anyway at 1AM I nuzzled into my soft white pillow as the sense of comfort swarmed over me. My eyes fluttered shut as the sounds of the outsider world and its problems faded away.

Jades subconsciousness

 As I entered this dream state a feeling of warmth flooded my body. I was in this very old village-like house and then I remembered it was my family's old house. I saw my beautiful mother walk up to me and she cupped my face giving me a heartfelt smile. I rested my face on her warm and soft hands as I started to look around;remembering every memory I made in this very house. The rest of my family surrounded me with love and care as they looked down at me, admiring my every feature. I was home and I’ve missed this feeling so much and I would do anything to go back to this  feeling. However, that faded away as I fell into this gaping black void that filled the brown creaking floor. I fell and ended up in the middle of the dark eerie forest right outside my house surrounded by a bunch of tall men. They were all hovering over me, beating me into a pulp as blood started rushing out my mouth and then when I least suspected a fiery burn feeling ripped into the side of my abdomen as blood gushed out of it. I cupped the side of my stomach trying to keep myself together; crying out in agony while they just watched me bleed out and suffer. I  was waiting for someone to come. Damon, Stefan, Elijah, and  even fucking Klaus, while in pain and I just needed someone to be by my side but no was there as I bled out on the fucking floor dying slowly. 

Damon's pov-

I was in my bed enjoying the quiet in this house that no one ever gets because we never get a break. There's always a vampire doing this and another mysterious creature doing that but tonight that's not the case and I’m grateful for that. I wanted to go into Jade's room and be all over her like I usually am but I can’t even though I crave her deeply. I want to be with her all the time but I didn’t want to coddle her tonight after the emotional day she had. I was thinking about going into her room until I heard a scream echo through the house. It wasn’t too loud but it was loud enough for me to hear. I stepped out of bed and slowly walked towards my door trying to see if it was Jade. I stopped in front of my closed door trying to concentrate on the silent screams coming to Jade's room. 

“Please help, NO!” Jade quietly shrieked.

My eyes widened as I swiftly opened the door quickly ran into her room seeing her fidgeting and talking in her sleep; trying to get out of her insufferable nightmare. “ELIJAH PLEASE, DAMON…help me” she wailed as I walked up to her bed, trying to shake back into reality however she’s not waking up.

I started rapidly tapping her cheeks “hey, hey, Jade wake up”

She started to wake up slowly. Her eyes widened when she saw me as tears flooded her eyes; she started to look around the room in terror, confused about what's going on. Jade sat up and started to move away from me;thinking I was someone else.

I sat down on her bed inching towards her as I softly said  “no…its me, hi”

Jade Pov

I woke up in absolute terror. Everything was a blur and I felt drowsy when I felt the bed sink beside me. I noticed a man was tapping my cheeks trying to wake me up but I didn’t know who he was or how he got in my room. I moved away from him as I was still in a dream-like state but then I started to make out his voice a lot more and realized it was Damon.

I squinted my eyes in confusion “Damon?” I said as a tear escaped my eye. I didn’t even realize I was crying until everything around me came to life.

“Yes baby it's me.” he said quietly as he cupped both of my cheeks with his strong, soft, pale hands.

I lunged into his arms and wrapped my arms around his rippled back feeling his semi warm body against my cold skin. His arms wrapped around me tightly, pulling me into him; feeling his hard, broad chest against mine. His comforting scent hit me rapidly as I took in his sweet and husky scent. I felt one of his arms go in my  hair trying to  bring me in closer to him. 

“Stay here with me please” I whispered

He moved away from me and looked at me with a sincere look “of course”

I moved to the other side of the bed while Damon crawled under the soft, cotton sheets with me. Our bodies collided together as I laid my head softly on his firm chest. His arms wrapped around my waist like chains, pulling me closer into his firm body. Our legs tangled together as I started to nuzzle my face into his neck taking in his sweet aroma.

I sighed in relief “thank you Damon”

“No problem” he whispered. He kissed my forehead as I drifted sweetly back into my dream state.

I woke up in the afternoon with Damon gone from my bed. I was too lazy to go to school so I just stayed in bed looking at my off-white ceiling in silence. However, that all came  to a halt when I heard a slight commotion downstairs in the living room. It was between Stefan, Elena, Damon, and a familiar voice.

“You have my word” the familiar voice said in a familiar accent

I sat up from my bed and frowned by those four singular words. I started to walk towards the door trying to hear what else he was saying and I did. My eyes widened in rage as I slowly crept downstairs; entering the living room. Elena noticed me and she slightly smiled and said “Hey Jade this is-”

I deeply exhaled“Elijah?” as I slowly walked into the living room.

He turned around in a swift motion and we were face to face “Hi Jade” he said breathlessly. 

It was silent for a minute until Damon cut the tension in half  “whats going on?”

I looked at Elijah while channeling all of my rage as I started casting a spell on him. I kept looking at him with deep raw emotion until a sharp piercing sound started to flood his head. I started to make all of the vessels in his head burst rapidly as I watched him suffer. Elijah went down on the ground, touching the temple of his head as he screamed in agony. A tear fell down my cheek while the adrenaline and my magic flooded through my whole body like rushing water.

“Please…please… make her stop '' He said as he fell helplessly on the ground. 

Stefan started rushing towards me “Jade listen to me stop this we need him…please” he anxiously said however I didn’t care about the people around me, I was only focused on Elijah and killing him. So I didn’t listen to Stefan not a bit. I was still fixated on Elijah Mikaelson until I felt Stefan grab my shoulder. I looked at him in anger and hurled him into the wall. He bashed his head and fell unconscious. Elena ran towards him screaming in disbelief.

“Jade please, we can talk about this, '' Damon softly said as he inched closer and closer to me, however he was more careful when he approached me. “Look at me Jade”

I looked at him as tears escaped my eyes and then I broke the spell, just like that but I knew it wasn't over. I still wanted some type of revenge. 

Elijah sighed in relief as he started to get up off the floor slowly; wiping his suit clean. He looked at me in a deceiving look and I looked at him. We glared at each other for a while until he said “Nice to see you to Jade” 

I scoffed and crossed my arms “fuck off Elijah I should’ve killed both of you when I had the chance”

“But you didn't because why? Oh yes you loved my brother and I didn’t you” He said being petty and childish.

I looked at Damon as guilt flooded my mind. Damon made sobbing eye contact with me; looking disappointed and a bit jealous. I looked at Damon for a second until I looked away back to Elijah.

I rolled my eyes in rage “nope I didn’t and I did tell you that up front did I not Elijah…I don’t even know why I’m arguing with you why the hell are you here”

He started walking towards me “Klaus is in town for Elena to complete the moonstone ritual and I want to kill him”

I scornfully laughed “I heard that same lie before you’ll never kill him even if you want to” 

“I guess we’ll see”

“Yeah we will,” I said as I walked back upstairs with Damons footsteps right behind me.

I started to quicken my pace until I entered my room trying to process the fact that I haven’t seen Elijah since the twenties after a bad argument with both of them. I heard Damon hesitantly walk  into my room and I was scared to face him. I saw how hurt he was when I was downstairs and I didn't even know what to tell him. 

He entered my room and stopped in the middle of my room. “Why didn’t you tell me Jade,” he said in frustration.

I  turned slowly towards him, avoiding eye contact. “I don’t know Damon.” I sighed

He scoffed “you loved them both…right?” it was silent until he said “you know what happened with Katherine she did the same exact thing.”

I looked up at him, seeing his saddened eyes. “I was scared…”

“Of what?...of me?” he questioned

I scoffed at him “fuck it… I love you Damon and I was scared to tell you Damon because that's exactly how I lost Elijah and  I don’t want to lose you either.” He looked at me, unable to say anything. He just looked at me as his body stiffened. “Damon, when I first  met you in that bar I just knew right away, but I never said anything because I wasn’t ready and I was scared as hell  to tell you. For decades upon decades it just got harder and harder and I’m so sorr-” 

As I was talking Damon looked at me and ran into me as our lips collided together. His body felt hot and tense against mine while his hands searched my whole body, making its way to my waist as his rough hands tightened its grip. He started pulling me into him; feeling his firm chest against mine. My whole body was shaking as lust took over the both of us. We were both craving each other and you could spot that from a mile away. His lips were soft and delicate however it grew hungry and sloppy the longer we explored each other's lips. Damon hand started to go up my body and wrapped softly around the side of my neck as he slightly put pressure on my neck, he was still trying to pull me closer into him. A soft moan escaped from my mouth as my hands started to tangle in his hair. I started to pull on his hair and grip the back of his neck while I grew hungry for more of him. He groaned a bit when he tried to catch his breath but I didn’t want him to. My heart started to pump more and my cheeks were hot. We wouldn’t let go of each other until I pulled away from him slowly. We were both breathless and Damons face was red hot as I looked into his icy blue eyes. I could feel Damons breath caress my skin as he inched close to my ear. His lips swept against my ear as he whispered “I’ve been waiting so long for this moment.” He faced me as we made eye contact. My heart started to race again and I got butterflies in my stomach as he said the words I was looking for. “I love you so much”

[localgardenweed]

Its almost 1AM I have a interview with Wendy’s at 10:30AM so im gonna talk about my random HWS Japan headcanons until I pass out

He need reading glasses, I know we see him in the show/manga wearing them and like he may like actually need them and just uses contacts but in my mind they are only for reading. His eyes aren’t what they used to be and he needs his little nerd glasses

He likes making those bento box cooking videos, he makes them for himself and his friends/partners. He finds a lot of ways to pass the time and this is one of many. He likes making the character bentos the most, they make him smile

Gardening. Imagine walking into his backyard and seeing him on his knees tending to his strawberries and radishes just LOOK AT HIMMM!! Not only does it save him money but also makes him feel accomplished when he gets a good harvest

He typically likes doing a lot of those DIY projects, making little shelves and furniture and god knows what. He goes online and sees what new project he can make today to keep himself busy

He is actively greying and has been dying his hair for AGES. He plucks out greying eyebrow hair and stubble and dyes his hair. If someone points out a grey hair he gaslights them into thinking its just the lighting or they’re imagining things. If anyone found out he dyed his hair you wouldn’t see them the next day /j

He tried to grow a mustache in his youth but it looked so bad he repressed the memories of it deep DEEP into his mind you will never find them man. He found old paintings of his mustache and couldn’t bare to witness them anymore he buried them in his basement never to be seen again

He actively works out, he takes a 5 mile jog every morning and evening and does some biking and swimming every other day. He likes to stay fit even though he really doesn’t have to anymore. He just likes to keep his body toned. He also likes the cringe 1980’s American workout videos. He got a VHS set from America on his birthday and felt that he basically called him fat but no America just needed to get rid of them so just regifted them to him. He ended up liking them though so ig it worked out in the end

As well practices his swordsmanship, like dude we are in the modern day you do not need to know how to use a katana anymore but he does it anyway cause what if someone breaks in man you never know man una nunca sabè

Its right next to him every night and he is FAST, he even hears the slightest sound he jumps up and gets ready to slice you in half

Him and Prussia and very good friends (or maybe more idk am i pushing my PruPan agenda? YES) and he keeps a empty room for him when he decides to crash at Japan’s place for the 5th time this year. He doesn’t mind him he is very tidy and always repays the favor somehow. They like to go out for lunch and do all of the above together. They like to exchange snacks like chips and drinks.

He almost sliced Prussia in half when he crept into his room to ask him for smth when he was asleep, he only chopped off a lock of his hair and nicked his nose but nothing serious. He profusely apologized for it after and Prussia was a little shocked for a but but laughed it off and was okay. He was a but sad about the hair but it’ll grow back. Prussia knocks loud as hell now if he wants Japan for smth and he’s asleep

He keeps little historical knick knacks around his house that he should probably donate but doesn’t cause “They’re still good to use!!” Even though its a thousand year old pot that should be a health hazard. He has been wearing the same damn yukata for almost 2 centuries now cause he only wears it once every other summer summer when he finds his buried in his storage and the local museums beg to have it but he’s too attached to it to let go

He wheels around Pochi in a stroller sometimes when he feels a little silly. He loves dressing Pochi up with bows and ties and bandannas and god knows what else. That dog has been out in so many outfits bro cant catch a break

If he were human he would either pursue photography full time, his dream would be to get his photos on build boards and magazine covers. Maybe he’d be a field photographer too, go out into nature and stuff

He already does photography as a hobby but could never really do it full time cause ya know country duties

And thats it thank you for coming its now almost 2 AM lets hope I don’t regret this

[prettyboyfinley]

Story time:

It’s been awhile since I have done a story time but I can’t get this out of my head so here you go.

I have been thinking a lot lately about being submissive while topping. I really really want to wear a strap and fuck someone. All I keep thinking about is fucking a domme mommy while she tells me what to do.

Picture this:

You get home from work, stressed from your day you harshly drop your keys into the bowl by the door and drop your bag roughly onto its hook.

“Hey love, how was work? I’m in the living room!”

As you walk into the living room to see me lounging on the couch in only my boxers and your hoodie I notice that your day wasn’t very good.

“It wasn’t very good baby, but it’s already getting better just from seeing your face.”

Seeing you approach me in your work clothes makes me flustered but my concern about your current state of stress takes precedent.

“Is there anything I can do to help babe? What ever you need, I’m here.”

Once you reach where I’m sitting on the couch I see a moment of hesitation on your face before you make a decision and fluidly straddle me to sit in my lap. Immediately I’m fighting the way my body shivers and aches for you since I’m not sure what you want.

“There is something you can do baby.”

The drop in your tone makes goosebumps rise on my skin as I get lost in your eyes. You lean in to whisper against my neck and I hold in a whimper to be able to hear you.

“I want you to wear your strap tonight pup. Mommy wants you to fuck her really really good. I want you to fuck the stress out of me, but don’t worry baby. Mommy will still be in control, I will always be in control of you dear. You can’t think without mommy anyways so what makes you think I would expect you to know how to fuck me without my help hm?”

My puppy cunt immediately soaks with the way you are talking to me. I unintentionally buck my hips up into you wishing I was already inside of you.

“Please mommy, I wanna make you feel better. I just want to be your toy, please use me!”

My desperation to be inside of you turns my voice into a whine as I tighten my grasp on the couch cushion below me.

“Such a good boy for me, let’s go baby. Don’t worry you will fill me up so good.”

Just imagining being in missionary with a collar and leash on while you tug me closer. My whimpers almost as loud as your moans as I fuck you just how you like it.

“Fuck! Good boy, that’s it pup. Fuck mommy baby, just like that. Such a good toy for me aren’t you.? Yes yes you are, just like that baby keep fucking me like that and you might make me cum on your cock.”

“Please please please mommy! I want you to cum for me. Wanna feel you clench down, please use my cock to cum. Wanna be your good fuck toy.”

Anyways it’s after 1am for me so I need to stop being a slut. You would think after cumming three times and fucking my self dumb I would be more tired and satisfied but here I am fantasizing again

[mylivejournalsucks]

Bottleneck.

I went to Minneapolis for work: the birthplace of Brenda and Brandon Walsh, the city where Mavis from Young Adult calls home. I was being interviewed at a college in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I do college talks as often as they'll have me. To be frank, the money is good. I think back to all the colleges I visited back in my Thought Catalog days—Princeton, Yale, UCLA, McGill, Emerson, University of Vermont—when I didn't have an agent and students would ask me what my quote was.

"Um, just pay for my flight and hotel? IDC!" I said.

One time I gathered up the courage to ask for $500. Now I know I could've made more than my yearly salary.

But it's not about the money. Not entirely. I've realized, especially in recent years, that I love dedicating chunks of time to things that have nothing to do with my Real Life. Getting flown to a city I would never go to ordinarily, researching restaurants, eating the local cuisine (aka going on Grindr) feeling beholden to no one, getting to talk to a group of kids who've been spent the last few years living primarily with Ideas, it's heaven. It feels luxurious, like a nibble of dark chocolate before bed. Sometimes I think if I could live the bulk of my life as a bottle episode—nothing of story consequence, could stand on its own or be cut for time—I would. Bottle episodes are typically the strongest, anyway. They don't have to be bogged down with exposition or serialization. They can just exist and show off the good bones of a TV show.

As you get older, it's harder to just exist. Suddenly everything has consequence, everything is connected. We've designed our lives to to be constantly building, building, building. Go here to get there.

When I'm in these random cities, I'm going fucking nowhere. I'm laying in my hotel bed, AC blasting, watching episodes of Chopped at 1am, my jet-lagged face lit up by my laptop. I'm Googling "Best coffee in Minneapolis" I'm drinking the best coffee in Minneapolis (really good, tbh) I'm working out in the hotel gym with the other mentally ill freaks who can't go three days without exercise endorphins, I'm thinking about going to this museum everyone is raving about while knowing full well I am never going to go, I'm answering an email or two, I'm accidentally getting a huge chunk of writing done—writing that would've taken me a week in Los Angeles—because nobody knows me here, nothing is expected of me. I have nowhere to be. I am really horny all of the time. Hotels put you in that frame of mind. The bed says: "Why are you not having sex with a stranger on me? That's what I'm here for." And then sometimes I do have sex with a stranger. If it's good, the place I'm visiting will suddenly feel like home. Now that I've had a local's penis inside of me, I get why people live here. If it's bad, the limits of the bottle episode will be tested when I fly back in a rotten mood.

Does my enjoyment of these "work trips" belie a larger dissatisfaction with my real life? Yes. No. Maybe. Fuck off.

A state of unease has settled on my chosen city, Los Angeles. The industry I work in is like a weather forecast. And just like the real weather, there's been an inordinate amount of rain. Something's not right. (actual weather: Climate change, Hollywood: Monopoly is being adapted into a movie.) No one knows how to fix it. When will the person in charge come back? Wait. You're telling me there was never a person in charge? Oh no.

Of course, my ego requires me to say I am one of the lucky ones in that I currently, as of this writing, have a job. But even in bustling times, a writer feels insecure. Being prosperous means knowing what the next six months of your life looks like. That's it. And then it's back to planting those seeds knowing most won't bear any fruit. (I spend three days in the Midwest and I'm trying out farming metaphors.)

When I am in these cities or small towns, I am there for a job, which means I know money is coming in. And anything happening back in Los Angeles is none of my goddamn business. Until it has to be.

These cities I visit are full of ambitious people but I project so much on to them. They've chosen to live in cities with affordable housing and James Beard award-winning restaurants. Any unease they feel comes from within and not from watching the Hollywood stock market, otherwise known as the trades. Their lives belong to them whereas I don't know if mine totally does. There's so much powerlessness that comes with my profession. What if a network that is paying my mortgage merges with a Sbarro's tomorrow and, poof, no more job? I wish I were joking but the only comedy getting made right now is Real Life, streaming everywhere.

I want to figure out how to live life more like a bottle episode. How can I take this back to Los Angeles without becoming irresponsible? I don't want a different life. I just want my life to stop feeling different. I want things to go back to "normal" which, for Hollywood, is still crazy but, like, I'm not scared of Sbarro's taking my job.

I am a cynical optimist. Everything is cyclical. It will land somewhere. But, in the meantime, how do you stay inspired when you are told everybody is looking for things that are "safe" which is code for "nothing that comes out of your faggot gimp brain?" How am I supposed to feel when I see my business chasing after IP no one gives a shit about and spending $200 million because they can only conceive of teeny tiny or big bang boom? Baby Reindeer is one of the most popular TV shows right now. I haven't seen it yet but it's a show with no stars (no offense!) and no action figures. Just people trying to figure out less painful ways to be alive, like all the best kind of art explores. It reminds me of Fleabag's success. When your premise is simple, you can be complex. And, yet, I feel like the wrong lesson will be metabolized. "Stalkers! Let's reboot the movie Disclosure, even though no one watched it the first time!"

The thing is, we're all miserable living under these mandates. And, yet, we made the rules. If only someone would just realize no one is coming to save us. We have to save ourselves.

Anyway, my favorite bottle episode is Girls, season two, episode five "One Man's Trash." A show everyone is rediscovering but probably wouldn't get made today for reasons that are made up and nobody understands or agrees with.

[detective-piplup]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favourite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤

oooh!! I’ll have to look through to find my favourites, so let’s see:

to my dear friend

With my top spot, it has to go to my (first) Apolluke Penpals fic!!! I loved writing this so much and it was so much fun to do, plus I am still proud of it now, so I feel like it deserves this top spot. If anybody can only read one of my fics ever, I’d want them to read this.

2. you’re on a path in the woods

the prosecutor Luke bad end fic!!! this concept makes me genuinely froth at the mouth I love it and I LOVE what I did with this and how it was written!! It does fall a little flat without a lot of the context from the rest of this au but it’s a good enough read anyway

3. nothings new

less people will have noticed I did this one and less people will care about it but I go absolutely INSANE over this fic and I wrote it. me and my fireknight. for one of my specially branded “I got this idea and cranked it all out from 1am to 4am” fics, it’s super good and I enjoy it so much. plus it’s fireknight from cookie run I will read anything with them

4. cold

this is my least viewed fic whixh is a SHAME because I did my boys very well I think. Glenn and Wilbur you will always be famous to me, even if this one can be a bit odd to read bc it’s a snippet of their actual story with not much context, but its 2.7k words of Wilbur being a treat to write and I am proud of it

5. and I return to my beautiful city

RGB Hisui au my beloved <33 i love a lot of this au but I think I really managed to nail Luke’s whole return down well, plus I surprised myself with how long it was to boot. yippie for Apollo Justice’s Constant Suffering!!

an honourable mention goes to the several silly fic ideas I’ve gotten throughout my miitopia saves, one of which I almost wrote down here before forgetting I didn’t write or publish that yet, and also to Any Bryant/Elias Write Ever, I’d have put them down here but the current write I’m doing with them is incomplete atm, and if it was on here it would have gotten 2 or 3. I just don’t wanna link to it on the recs when I haven’t posted it in full yet!

[yandere-monoma]

should i be insane and start the kill your masters commentary now

i am gonna be insane and start the kill your masters commentary now

hi this will contain spoilers for the killswitch au which imo is fine because i have no intentions of writing it in its entirety so HSJKFGFG

god. rose strider.

rosie rosie rosie rose strider UUUUUUGH.

fun fact i actually attempted to go off about all this weeks ago but tumblr deleted the fucking draft but now im drunk (or i was drunk when i started this at 1am and now its fuckin noon LMFAO) and trying again so LET'S GO!!!!

so. actually. my iteration of rose strider was first sparked after reading BGB by MermaidMayonaiise oh god bless tf out of them

like, guardianswaps is an ancient concept in the fandom so it's not like i've never considered her or any other strider kid before but GOD. this one line from BGB absolutely blasted through my soul:

You never knew her, but a Rose Strider would have been a killing machine. Considering the multiverse, she exists. Just not in any timeline that matters.

as i lovingly say in the comments of that fic, i literally copypasted that line to every hs friend i know. it drove me crazy

it'd still be a couple of weeks (months?) after reading that fic that i actually conceptualized her, though. rose strider was born via the homestuck renaissance chat which i will reference 6738459634563456 times in this commentary because killswitch would not exist without it. the renaissance chat went off with a million and one headcanons about a million and one different guardianswaps and my impulsive ass couldn't help but actualize them in some sort of written form, complete with ridiculous long ass plot and even a couple of sburb sessions that i'll never write cuz it'll take me years. like. the ideas were just so good.

ironically, our first official swap we discussed was actually john strider, who i hopefully will get to at least allude to in the next iteration of killswitch, along with dave lalonde (WHO I FUCKING LOVE AAAAA), jade egbert and rose harley... then we actually discussed jade before i finally revealed how insane i was about rose strider rose rose rose rose ROOOOOSE

from that first initial outline to the first chapter of kym, it took about two months of plotting and dragging through drafts which is CRAZY cuz it rly does feel like time has fucking flooown by. a lot of that time was also dedicated to the first installment of killswitch, which got interrupted because the third chapter of kyd got tragically deleted and i've never recovered and i only recently healed past the hurt enough to start to rewrite it. god. trauma.

anyway.

before i get to the first chapter, i wanted to talk about rose's initial concept as a strider and what it meant. as i've said 738596356 times already, nature vs nurture was how i approached every placement within the au. it was very important to me to blend every character with who they initially are in canon and who their guardian's influence turned them into. this made for an incredibly fun process that lent itself to a pretty easy formula characterization-wise.

for example, rose strider's excessively extreme experiences with self-harm are born of rose lalonde's early act 1 habit of engaging in empty suicide threats towards her mother. i took that tendency to act out and cranked that fucker up to 11 because there is nothing passive aggressive about how bro raised dave.

every killswitch character features this pairing blend approach to their writing. jake lalonde, for example, inherits roxy's hyperactive silly energy, though he lacks the grace, ease and confidence to carry it out without stumbling. however, rose is especially special because i wasn't just trying to blend rose and dave. because of rose's identity blurring motif, i had to build her up using elements of rose AND dave AND dirk AND, most importantly, bro. that made her, honestly, really fucking hard to write because i still wanted her to be recognizable enough, while still sounding like a carbon copy of bro, simultaneously perfect and flawed all at the same time. and, ngl, it's super interesting to me, the way she deviates from the formula and refuses to follow the easy pattern i followed for literally every other character in the au. it's just so fitting for her to fuck with the meta like that JSKFG

anyway LETS START READING

fucking with the commands was actually a last minute choice done right at the very final edit. so much of the narrative fuckery that happens in kym is very on the spot, lots of last minute decisions that start with the impulse of 'oh shit yknow what'd be cool' and end with a big ole internal ramble of what it could all ~represent~

in this case, i thought this was nifty, i've been using this same one fuckin glitch generator for YEARS at this point: but also, i think it was a fun way to allude to her classpect, even though it's never really discussed outright

yeah see this was actually supposed to be a description of her room but in the very last draft as i was cleaning it up i saw this section that i still had to write and went nope. JHSKFGSDFG which is hilarious to me because doing so literally transformed how i approached the rest of the piece. originally this chapter really was supposed to just be a pretty direct copypaste of act 1, but god. GOD i'm glad it isn't. i've had so much fun with this style and it's so amusing to me that i have laziness to thank for that JKGFG ah yes the creative process

facts about john harley and his first conversation with rose!!

i suck at chumhandles and enlisted help from the renaissance chat for a lot of them. other handle options suggested to me at the time include: garrulousGallivant, groovyGallywag, galleyGaffer, giddyGelogenic (this was in second place to me i rly loved it sob)

(rose's handle was incredibly easy in comparison, largely because i hardly put any effort into it. i just wanted something suitably edgy and what could be edgier than naming yourself after genocide HJGKF)

his initial character premise:

the hardest part about starting the fic where i did is that there was just so much imagined backstory for rose and so little time to actually get to detail with it. the purpose of the first few pesterlogs with john and jade was to establish something that honestly i don't think got as much spotlight in the fic as i would have wanted: the fact that rose strider is a compulsive liar who actually tries her hardest to seem normal to her friends, both out of habitual manipulation and out of a subconscious urge to escape her life. it's an attempt to sprinkle her with the void traits that she clings to at the beginning of her arc (guess what her classpect is >:3) before embracing what she really is, but damn. if i could have, i would've written 100k of cute casual conversation with rose seeming like the sweetest most thoughtful friend in the world, only to reveal what she's really like

anyway! we get to see her make up a life for herself first through john, as she lies about going to school when ngl i don't think she's been since like. idk. the 3rd grade. GJKFLGS

this is always an interesting pesterlog to reread remembering how much i fucked with rose's dialogue jesus christ. i did NOT want her to sound like herself in the rougher drafts. she was honestly just a straight up blend of bro and dave, very casual, very ramble-y, however at the last second, i incorporated a touch of her usual more formal vibe/dialogue. again, because i was blending four different characters rather than two, it was difficult to find a balance i really liked. i definitely got there eventually but. hoo.

ro-stri originally used to copy the punctuation of anyone she spoke to. there are still aspects of this in the current draft, rose plays along and sprinkles more exclamation points in than usual to match john's hyperactiveness despite the fact that she feels like roadkill atm. however, in the end, i thought it was a little too subtle and wanted her to have a more uniform sound to her, rather than disappearing into anyone she encountered.

john harley thinks the funniest possible thing to joke about in the world is the fact that he's pretty much a feral kid who has never touched humanity and thus doesnt know the most basic things. he does this 9356354963 times a day. he loves playing dumb. in truth he's experienced a Lot through movies but sometimes he simply cant resist the urge to pretend he doesnt know what a fork is. jsdkfgsfg he was such a delight to write, jesus christ.

despite rose's attempt to fade into the background a little, all of her friends depend on her massively to fill a hole in their lives, which she ends up using to further manipulate and control the topics of their conversations. for john, he's just so incredibly hungry for what life in the real world is like. so rose fabricates a normal school life for him. and she's not even doing that for him. it's completely coincidental that they both just desire the same thing of each other and ngl i really adore and am fascinated by their dynamic. johnrose fuckin sneaks up on me i SWEAR.

rose calling herself a bishounen is the first hint of her weird gender fuckery. it is a hilarious hint that i'm so very proud of cuz it's so dumb HAHAHJKFS

john's flirtiness towards rose is inherited by (epilogue) jade's sexual promiscuity and slight pushiness towards the people she's attracted to. it also just seemed like so much fun lmfao it rly snuck up on me as i was writing and i couldn't help but go all in once i realized what was happening. like, john really does just find one bad joke (usually at someone's expense) that he really likes and does it over and over and over and OVER cuz so much of the joy for him is knowing that he's the only one fucking laughing and that everyone in the vicinity wants to throttle him. but they can't :P

someone tell me why :B emojis are so cute. the very first time i went >:B as john harley i went oh no because i fell so hard at that point HAHA

jade lalonde!!

can you believe this is the first time i've ever written jade in my life jesus fucking christ

other chumhandle option: tipsyTurvey

rose's canon handle is a pun that fucking murders me every time i acknowledge it and i desperately wanted a cute pun for hers. i am bad at puns. i am so very bad at puns. telekineticTactoe is the first pun i've made in all my decades of living. i am so proud of her fucking handle jesus christ GHJFKGS

something that's fun but also agonizing about pesterlogs like these is, again, i don't really get the chance to explain things. so much show, so little tell, which works out great for the narrative but makes the part of my brain that built up so much of the world pout so much. so i never actually go into detail about the fact that the 'update' jade is working on is to a webcomic that she has picked up and abandoned 87593456 times. this is seen more in her later conversations but one of jade's whole shticks is that she has tens of thousands of hobbies and she can't commit to a single goddamn one. she is absolutely CRUSHED by how much she wants to have a perfectly successful career like her mom. everything she tries just isnt perfect enough and it frustrates her endlessly. she is so so very cute i love herrr

it is SO fun discussing the lalonde issue through someone who is earnest and honest about their feelings and who airs them out the second they feel them. it's so fun to interpret some of the issues rose perhaps had with her mother, while also just poking at issues i think would have just. always bothered jade because of the type of person she is. she is going to be an incredibly fun perspective to write through the rest of the au and i rly hope i can figure out a way to focus a fic on one of her iterations one day

jade having a having a habit of traumadumping and rambling was supposed to be a play on just how excessively wordy rose can be. idk how much that shows (people associate rambling way more with dave imo) but either way it was super fun to write

rose's manipulative streaks are more obvious here. jade is incredibly vulnerable and rose jumps at the opportunity to attempt to further isolate and pit her against her mother. she's doing that completely out of habit, too. she has no malicious plan behind it all, it passes the time and it keeps jade close and that's really all she wants. she can see the way jade suffers under the weight of her work and she makes up her own stressful worklife, just so that jade can relate to her more than she can relate to the others.

DAVE FUCKIN EGBERT LET'S GOOO

the first words uttered about dave eggy in the gc:

and what his character ultimately turned into:

there is so much to say about dave i love him i love him i love him let's gOoooOooOOo

first off, i wanna explain why he's an egbert rather than a lalonde, since swapping the strilondes is way more common:

dave lalonde would have taken up too much screentime which would not have worked for the fic/verse. he is. god. an INCREDIBLE and fascinating specimen that i need to specifically write 100k about and pairing him with someone like ro-stri would just be a disservice to either of their stories. they simply can not exist together in a way that i would find narratively satisfying because they both just take up too much SPACE. GOD!!!

dave egbert is just cuter LMAO.

i am a dirty dirty multishipper and making him an egbert means i get a version of johndave and a version of daverose all at the same time

(and this doesnt even also allude to the fact that john strider and dave lalonde are also a hugely amusing dynamic like i rly needed the homophobic af angy boy paired with the darling excitable lil femboy ok

but really, my approach to dave is this: as much fun as tragic backstories are, sometimes a really fascinating narrative can be watching someone getting actively traumatized in the present for the very first time. being a bystander to someone you love's suffering, the survivor's guilt of not being the abused one, the overwhelming stress of being someone's sole confidant, the way it feels to be crushed by codependency and forced to witness unrelenting suffering when you are so woefully unprepared to provide proper support. dave just being a normal boy in an incredibly toxic relationship with his first love is just. GOD. so fun to me. so so fun it's honestly one of my fave decisions coming into the fic

there's also something to said about the fact that dave finally gets to experience normalcy and familial love at the expense of his sister taking his role in the narrative. there is a point in the au where the killswitch characters (who i also refer to as the 'zeta' kids) are made aware of their canon counterparts and thinking about what dave eggy will think about dave strider is SO exciting to me

anyway, again: this was a hard pesterlog to incorporate. i needed a quick summary of their dynamic and a quick summary of both of their characterizations: dave egbert being dryer, quieter, more withdrawn and blunt with his words, rose strider being abrasive and quick to anger and almost sadistically playful in the way she immediately seeks to tease and degrade her boyfriend. i also needed to show this without making rose the most unlikeable character this side of homestuck HGJKFGGS. fun fact, so much of how they talk to each other and exist in general is based on the fact that i think both of them just, like. fuckin LIVE on 4chan. rose is a 4chan troll while dave is just, like, a lurker. and i do wish i could have showed that more and showed even more of both the cruller kinds of dialogue rose can dish out and the more weird/fond/playful parts of their dynamic, because to me rose is the type to just constantly drop slurs and insult people and speak in a way that's designed to shock and horrify people and dave was her punching bag as much as he's her stuffed animal, and he's just so in love with all the ways she overwhelms him. he has so much fun trying to just desperately keep up with her and it all just creates this intense atmosphere that he's absolutely addicted to.

like, it's tragic that her talking like this never shows up in the fic itself but alas. alas, alack...

anyway

HOW CAN I FORGET HOW FUNNY DAVE'S HANDLE IS TO ME dave making his whole personality around himself being a npc is so funny to me ok godhjskfg

There is no excusing what must have occurred the previous evening, but there’s no point trying to contend with what happened. 

considering 'what happened yesterday' is a big huge plot point in chapter 2 i'll leave it to the chapter 2 discussion but just know that this is one of my fave part's of rose's characterization that i ALSO mourn its lack of focus in the fic. i think it's present enough but UGH i wish i got to write it so much MOOOORE, DAMN!

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

there were so many versions of this line and this introduction in general HJGKFGS happy with what i settled with

this section was hard because, again, had to quickly establish all the things i wish i could have spent time just slowly building up. i do enjoy how the final product looks, though. one of my favorite styles to utilize is a very compact, slightly minimalistic type of prose that leans

lil cal as a corrupting force is one of my fave hs things in the world it drives me insane to think about, so it was incredibly fun deciding that this was one of the biggest and most important differences between dave and rose is that dave fucking hates lil cal but ro-stri is not scared of puppets :D she loves them :D

When you sleep, if you sleep, your gaze never breaks from his, and you spend your nightmares drowning,

rose having an eternal staring contest with dream cal amuses the hell out of me especially thinking about dave going to derse just to watch in horror. it's also another aspect of that internal soul flaying she keeps forcing herself through, trying to create a perfect ouroboros between herself and what bro has been turned into. trying to fuckin speedrun through her own corruption

gurgles blood.

this next section about all the ways rose attempts to cope with her trauma was so nervewracking to publish. a lot of parts of this fic was but jesus christ. was really worried i'd get flack for a few of the ideas that got tossed out there, but i couldn't remove them even despite that anxiety. there is such a specific vibe to the 00's that i really wanted to incorporate into the fic... just, how it felt to be an absolutely insane teenager, always overwhelmed, constantly abused, and gifted with unadulterated unsupervised internet access to do terrible AWFUL things to. i wanted to depict it because it's what i relate to, what i've experienced, what i've seen and heard from others.

it's also just generally rly important to me to sprinkle darkweb references into as many of my strider fics as fucking possible cuz i know those boys LIVE on it LMFAOHJGKFG

In reality, you have no hobbies your brother hasn’t given you.

short but important: the fact that rose just does not get the opportunity to start creating her own personality like dave does was very important for me to highlight, though it's also not necessarily true. since the narration is filtered through rose's perspective, and rose is the one that is so adamant (especially at this part of the story) that she is a perfect clone of her brother, she skips past the experiences she has where she's strayed from bro's influence.

the end of this chapter was a very fun escalation that i'm very satisfied with. ahh, my killing machine 🥰❣️ how i adore you... now that i think about it, i forgot that originally i really did just want to make a quick oneshot summarizing all of my thoughts on her. as i was writing, the ideas got bigger and bigger, the hcs spiraled more and then my friends in the chat [shakes fist] dropped a huge BOMB of a plotline right into my lap that forced me to extend it way past its original plan but ughsjfgdfg i'm so glad that they did because this is a story that i'm so incredibly proud of godddjksfg

AND THAT'S CHAPTER ONE, STAY TUNED FOR MORE

[solar-halos]

this is my most embarrassing post yet but it has to be said

please everyone don’t think less of me for not only thinking about this au but also having so many of the details planned out please. please. but in my defense it’s 1am and i’m showing no signs of going to sleep anytime soon so now i am subjecting u to every single thought i’ve ever had. ok i need to stop stalling here’s what’s been on my mind lately:

total drama/hg au. like total drama island but with characters from the hunger games

yes ive watched total drama island. yes i continue to re-watch total drama island as an adult. yes i do lurk on the tag. yes my brain is theoretically getting more and more developed by the day 😔😔 anyway let me tell u which character would be which

• ok i know it would be so easy to say that annie and finnick are bridgette and geoff cos they’re beachy surfers obsessed with pda, but that’s so predictable. also i don’t even think they’re that big on pda. also duncan and courtney are literally peak so i think that’s why i feel so strongly about this, but like, finnick is so obviously courtney coded. like being so people please-y and diplomatic on the surface but then lowkey being a type a control freak as the game goes on and then annie is there being a rebel without a cause and it rubs of on him. like at the end of the day duncan and courtney are the same ppl but different font and i think that works very well with odesta. also i love bridgette and geoff but oh my god those mfs don’t argue. not like i imagine odesta to argue

• ok enough about odesta. lets talk about everlark. i know this is so basic but katniss needs to be gwen like god INTENDED. like this antisocial little weirdo (gwen) who has a heart of gold and everyone knows it but her. s1 gwen/trent was so sappy and corny and normal up until The Kiss and love me hate me say what u want about me but i liked it. like wayyy more than duncan and gwen bc that ship is just like “what if a boy and girl got together” like they weren’t similar at all they just both wore black. anyway i love black cat and golden retriever pairings and that is so everlark to me. peeta literally would carry a boulder for katniss

• heather is so clove. lindsay is so glimmer. case closed

• this works especially well bc (and i know im jumping ahead in the series lore) cato is so alejandro. and tyler is so marvel. i don’t personally ship them that much but i know its definitely a Thing so it works out nicely

• beetee is harold 😭😭 the main total drama cast is so huge that’s it’d be kinda impossible to keep the characters within a similar age range but i’m kinda obsessed with Teenager Beetee. he would so commit voter fraud

• also i know it’s basic to say that johanna would be eva but like. eva literally allied with a fucking nerd she hated the fuck outta and some certified weirdo no one rlly fucked w. that’s so cf-core

honestly i don’t have as many thoughts on this as i thought. for some reason i don’t personally like having snow in more modern au things, so i think chris mcclean would still be chris mcclean. that’s the only thing that stays the same it’s still s1 of total drama island so its not a crossover chris mcclean just transcends fandom spaces. haymitch can def be chef hatchet tho

anyway i’m getting rlly embarrassed again, so bye

[figula]

i actually had a really pleasant day today :)

ben was out most of the day but he got me for cuddles in the morning so a nice start

then when i got up i decided on a whim to walk into town (its nice to feel cautiously able to do this again rather than having to consider whether or not my hip will make it there)

spent a lot of money bc ive been having a shit time lately and sometimes thats what is fuckin needed

atm there's this thing in worcester where there's loads of painted penguins that you have to find + there's an app you can tick them off on - this is crack to my kind (completionists) - so i spent a decent amount of time wandering around ticking off penguins on the map, and still only did about 1/3 of them. i will probably go back in the week

played the sims, played the strangerville infection storyline which ive never palyed before despite being a sims player for years. that was really fun

ben came home + we watched some of interview w/ the vampire. me and ana have been talking about this non-stop the past few days bc i finally caught up on s2 and it (as i said on here too) it is fucking incredible tv. ben had refused to watch it on the grounds that everyone on tumblr is really annoying about it (fair) but i was like what if you watched it with your wife though. (he loves watching tv with his wife, it's a rarer thing than you might imagine bc i get bored easily sitting still on the sofa) and he was like ok :) anyway he really liked it and it was 1am before he was like "ok we better stop there" and we will probably watch more tmr lol

got another chess job ofc

had a lovely end-of-day cuddle w/ ben as well. genuinely lovely bookending cuddles

not really specific to today but im pleased that last week's madness episode wasnt so long and protracted as it has been prev (i know i talk about the no food for a week episode a lot but it was actually only 2? yrs ago and it was literally nothing like that at all this time)

i am still feeling quite emotionally depleted + something is not quite right in my mind (this is something ive felt for months not i think a hangover of last week) but like fuck it i had a really nice day today

[pawprints-upthehill]

Thursday 15th June --

Fancied trying to do some writing today, so below the cut is my first, actually finished attempt at writing something for the myct fandom. It's a little Redscape/Mumscarian scene from an AU I've had buzzing around in my brain for a while.

Basic premise - Boatem, sailing the world for treasure. That's it. But of course I had to make it shippy. I might write the whole thing at some point but who knows.

Also this is very very unedited. Its past 1am for me and I am so tired so if this is horrific apologies!

Mumbo's voice broke the tranquil quiet of the night at sea, startling Scar into a more upright position in his seat with a grunt. 

Boatem Pirates AU - Nighttime Talks

"Scar?"

"Ah- Mumbo! You surprised me," he turned to face his mustached companion, dusting himself off as if he hadn't just been caught nearly asleep at the wheel. "What brings you out here in the middle of the night?" He tilted his head, adding in a teasing tone, "I'm sure Grian is missing you."

"I couldn't sleep," seemingly feeling like that was a good enough answer, rather than explain himself at all Mumbo instead raised an eyebrow at him, "But it looks like you should. When was the last time you slept?"

"I'm fine," Scar snorted, waving a hand dismissively, "Just daydreaming is all. I'll get some sleep when Impulse takes over at dawn."

Mumbo hummed, a noise somewhere between concern and acknowledgement. "Sure. If you say so. Now budge up a bit, its freezing out here."

Scar chuckled but obliged, scooting along in his seat so Mumbo could sit with him. It wasn't exactly comfortable but Scar was never one to miss out on an opportunity.

"Well why didn't you say so?" as soon as Mumbo was settled he pulled his arms out of his overcoat and tossed it over both their shoulders, "There you go, much better."

The benefit was twofold. Not only did it mean Mumbo was closer to him (as if shoulder to shoulder hadn't been enough) but the way Mumbo blushed at the gesture was adorable. 

"Oh, cheers," Mumbo settled then turned and gave him what was probably supposed to be a serious look. The effect was utterly ruined by the fact the tip of his ears were slowly turning the same lovely pink as his face. "Now, Captain Goodtimes."

"Uh oh, the full title, I feel like I'm in trouble."

"Pft, no. Your ship mate," Mumbo rolled his eyes good naturedly, "You wanna sleep sail us into some rocks that's your business."

"Hey! I would never be so careless," Scar splutterred. He probably would (he wasn't known primarily for his clumsiness for no reason), but not while he had other lives on board to worry about.

"Sure," he wasn't sure he particularly liked the disbelieving note in Mumbo's voice there but he continued before he could comment, "What I was gonna say was, I think I've known you long enough now to know when something's bothering you. You've been distracted and spacey all day." His voice softened, and quite out of nowhere, Mumbo raised his hand to gently brush Scar's hair back out of his eyes. "I wanna help, if I can. What were you thinking about?"

The affection, so casually given, was still startling to him. Not that he'd lacked for a kind touch in his life just…this was different. Mumbo wasn't looking out for the abandoned kid he'd found in the woods, or maneuvering him to better suit his pleasure, he was just concerned for him. 

Again he couldn't help but wonder what life would be like if he'd known Mumbo and Grian before. Before they were established and clearly happy with just each other. Would…he liked to think maybe…just maybe, there could have been room in their lives for him too.

It was his nature he supposed. Wanting what he couldn't have and chasing it anyway. 

Unwilling to ruin the moment, he settled for a half truth. "I was thinking about the moon," Scar said softly, taking his eyes of Mumbo, despite his reluctance, to look back up at the sky. 

"The moon?" Mumbo's voice sounded slightly dumbfounded and Scar grinned, delighted to have caught him by surprise.

"Yup. I was thinking about how much of my life is controlled by the moon. I mean, think about it, if anything happens to it - if it moves further away or gets closer somehow - it'd throw all the tides out of balance. Who knows where we'd end up. It's kinda crazy to think about." Scar felt his smile falter. Maybe it was because he was so tired, or maybe he just wanted to keep that warm, closeness feeling in his chest for a little longer but whatever the reason he felt a sudden need to continue. "I had a dream once, a while ago, where the moon got really big. Or it crashed. Something like that. Anyway, the moon was gone. And with no tides, I couldn't sail. I was stuck on my island, never seeing the world, never meeting-...never meeting any of the friends I've made."

He lowered his eyes to the horizon, doing his best not to fidget. Despite how strong the impulse to share a little more of himself had been he still didn't think he could look Mumbo in the eye. That felt…a little too vulnerable, a little too real. "That probably doesn't make any sense," he finished softly, hoping he didn't sound as uncertain as he felt. 

There was a contemplative pause. "It does." Scar blinked, surprised and stupidly hopeful as he finally turned to look at Mumbo. His dark eyes were shockingly warm, his gaze softer than he'd ever seen it. "Grian did that for me. Got me out of the home I was trapped in and showed me the world. I think about that a lot too. I think it's only natural to wonder what life would be like if things were different." 

They fell into a companionable silence for a little while, each taking in the other's words. "I like to think we'd have found each other somehow," Mumbo added finally, quietly.

"You and Grian?" Scar let out a breathy laugh, "I don't think even the universe had a choice there. Pretty sure Grian would find you no matter what corner of the cosmos any Gods tried to hide you in."

"You're not wrong," Mumbo chuckled affectionately, "But I meant us, actually. Me, you and Grian. Cause he'd be like that about you to ya know." 

"You think so?" The hope that swelled in His chest was dangerous. 

"Of course, once Grian decides you're his best friend there's no backing out," Mumbo grinned, "Pearl and Impulse too, no one escapes the pesky bird once he's decided your his."

His? Was Mumbo trying to kill him? Gods above did he like the sound of it though…

"Only a truly crazy soul would try," he agreed solemnly, determinedly ignoring the heat he could feel rising on his face. "Not me. Never."

"Good," Mumbo looked satisfied and for a.second he thought he'd leave it at that, get up and head back to bed. Instead though, Mumbo scooted a little closer, leaning against him just a little.

"Still cold?" Scar asked, raising an eyebrow as his mustached friend. 

"Nah, I'm good where I am." Apparently comfortable now they were essentially all but cuddled under Scar's overcoat, he found his gaze again. "You?"

"Me?" Scar gave Mumbo his best lopsided grin, "Absolutely a-may-zin."

[celestie0]

IT’S CELESTIEFAN3000 i have to say i like tumblr way more than ao3 so i’ll be using this to comment from now on 😋 But i would like to personally thank you for writing chapter 9, your author voice is genuinely so appealing and HONESTLY you could pass off as a literal professional author if I didn’t know this was fanfiction!

Now for the uglier feelings: (please ignore typos or other mistakes i wrote a lot. I am very normal about kickoff, obviously)

I SOBBED LIKE A BABY MIDWAY AND BECAME A CRYING SOUND EFFECT AT THE END OK OK OKAYYYYYYY 😭😭💫💫 I’m still dizzy and lightheaded from the effect ur writing gives me (THIS IS A GOOD THING) it’s so addicting i need more😭‼️ UGHHHH the way you build that exact RIGHT amount of comfort to compensate for the suffering you’ve but us through but still managed to EDGE US AT THE END . I WISH YOU WEREN’T SO GOOD AT THIS FANFICTION THING, BECAUSE DAMN! 😭😭😭😭

The scenes were so fucking beautiful, I love the peaceful atmosphere that rain gives and how you were able to contrast that as an escape from that horrible loud and noisy bar to just a horrible man!!!!! You really know how to direct scenes and i can not express in words how much they mean to me 🥹🥹😭😭😭

I feel like I’ve overused the crying face emoji too much in my ask BUT I ACTUALLY MEAN IT HERE EVERY TIME I can fill an entire glass up of my tears that kickoff caused me to shed alone 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Everything was just great vegetables, this chapter will definitely be haunting me while I sleep but it ended with an amazing scenario to build off of and dream about RIGHT?☺️ Anyway, my last words here are that I admire how you’ve been working on this project for around a couple months now nonstop, but the quality has not dropped and has instead improved despite it getting really tiring the more you carry on with it! Maybe that’s just how I feel about finishing what I’ve started LMAO but it’s so impressive every time I see someone able to pull that off, I’ve seen some fics succumb to the tragedy of “i-just-want-to-get-this-over-with-because-the-concept-no-longer-interests-me-anymore”-ness 😔 BUT WITH KICKOFF! I’m so happy that the author is as passionate about the characters and plot in their fanfiction as I am, and hard work really does pay off! (for the reader, hard work is waiting 3 weeks for a new fic— but the read’s always better the longer you wait 😉)

My ADHD really came out here I deeply apologize but my ACTUAL final words are: I wish I had a bf like gojo, Oh My God You Are A Legend Ellie, You are most deserving person of meeting Gojo Satoru FIRST if he ever comes to life, it is 1am haha so i’m sleeping now ☺️🤍 Celestiefan300 out!

MY SWEET ANGEL BB CELESTIEFAN3000 😭🫶🏼💕💕 HI DEAR

UMM CAN I JUST SAY IM AB TO SOB ALR JUST FROM HOW LONG THIS ASK IS ??? PLS FORGIVE MY URGE TO RESPOND TO EVERY ASPECT OF IT

thank you sm for the compliments on the writinf omg i rly feel comin into my own now n finding my voice as i continue to write more so seeing u say that esp as a long term reader is just ssooo dhddldfk 🥺💕 brb gonna cry

PLS IM SO SORRY FOR THE SAD EMOTIONSS aaa yes the baby steps to build their relationship has been……baby stepping indeed LOL but it was so nice to write the scene at rhe end where gojo comforts her 😭💕 so excited to write lovey dovey gojo now

OMG STOPPP w the nice words i will literally eat u for breakfast🧍🏻‍♀️the contrast w the soothing rain & hectic bar scene 😭 u pointing that out just made me soooo freaking happyy and wahh im so glad the scenes resonate w you :””) <33

ME TOO I FEEL IM HOLDING BACK ALL THE 😭😭😭 WMOJIS I COULD USE READING THIS ASK

awhh thanks darling im so happy kickoff has ur continued interest and AW to hear its improving means sm to me 🥺💕 im so passionate ab it, it has been so cathartic to write, and although its also hard to write sometimes bc of the personal aspects, it’s so joyous to me and i look forward to seeing it thru to the end w the same amt of passion. HAHAHA its hard work to read tho damn 😮‍💨 ur not wrong!! and also yes i too will be daydreaming of what happens next 🤣

my final words: i love u sm, YOU deserve a satoru (but i will gladly have him too if u say so🙈), so blessed to have u as a reader, and please get some good sleep my love <33

eeeeeee 🫶🏼💕

[crescencestudio]

Just wanted to say I came across Alaris two nights ago and literally stayed up all night to complete the demo. I am obsessed. I have work tomorrow, and it’s almost 1am, and my first thought is “maybe I should try another route of Alaris, I don’t have to get into work ‘til 6(pm) anyways”. I literally played so long I had issues seeing because my eyes were so dry. I am low on funds rn (had to take a few weeks off work for a health issue) but the second I get my next paycheck I plan to drop by your patreon. I have not been this taken by a game in eons. The writing is phenomenal. The characters are so intriguing and real. The art is absolutely stunning. The soundtrack is so pleasing - so calming. Thank you so much for making this. I know it’s just a demo right now, but honestly, even if you never finished it, I’d be in your debt forever. I’ve been having a really rough time in my life lately with waiting on a potentially terrifying diagnosis, and was kind of at my breaking point before I found your Alaris. It probably sounds really silly, but when I played it, I felt like a weight was off my chest - it was the first thing in months to not just truly distract me, but to really bring me out of that sort of hazy out of body feeling. Sorry if that’s kinda heavy, I just wanted you to know that your “silly” (as you described it on the website I think? Or somewhere I saw you say that) game has had a huge impact on my life, at least, and I’m really grateful for that. Thank you, truly. Anyways, I’d write more, but to be honest, I’m about to spend another all nighter playing Alaris. I hope you have a wonderful night (or day. Or the like). 💕

ANON…..::::…….. WHOEVER U R I HOPE ONLY BLESSINGS COME TO YOU. this literally made me tear up. i screenshotted it so i can keep it forever and look back on it anytime i’m sad. that is how much this ask meant to me 😭😭😭

you took the time to send in such a sweet, thoughtful message, i only think it appropriate to respond in kind so i apologize in advance for a bit of a longer response everyone!

FIRST, i think i am too late, but i hope you got some rest!!!!!!!!! alaris will always be there for you to play so please do not sacrifice your eyes and sleep for it!!!!! especially if ur having health problems of any kind and waiting on a scary diagnosis—those can be incredibly stressful and hard to go through so i hope you receive good news soon. regardless, i am keeping u in my thoughts and sending you all my love right now 💖💐

i know exactly what you mean by a game or piece of media pulling you out of a dark time, and it’s not heavy or silly at all for you to mention that. in fact, it’s an honor that alaris, even in its demo form, was able to provide that to you. i never would’ve imagined my silly little game (i call it that on my patreon, so u r remembering correctly ha!) would make that much of an impact on anyone, so i’m glad it connected to you in that way 🥺

you do not, by any means, have to support my patreon. especially if you are low on funds, i promise this message alone is support enough! thank you so, so much for the kind words and for taking the time to write this up and send it in, anon. it means the world to me and i hope alaris (in its current and future form) can continue to be something you enjoy 💖 keeping u close in my heart and hoping your health improves, ily!!! 💐✨

[kill-the-rockstar]

It's Waterparks album release day baby! And you know what that means!

It's time for

Kill The Rockstar Reacts To Music: Intellectual Property by Waterparks

Starf*cker

- It makes me wonder about the album, is it the story if one relationship? Or a Midnights kinda thing where it's about different moments throughout his life?

- The chorus especially feels how it feels to work on a show - I don't know how else to describe it, and 'it just hurts cuz I want it'

Real Super Dark

- The link from the end of Starf*cker is cool

- Going from 'it's been a pleasure, its nice to meet you' to 'everyone's freaking me out' is a very cool contrast

Funeral Grey

- It's funky fun, it feels like Double Dare grown up, I love it

- The spelling makes me ask if the woman he's talking to is British, and I also think we need to focus more on the fact her FAVOURITE COLOUR is fucking GREY???

- Awsten's flirting techniques being 'what's your favourite colour' 'smoking is carcinogenic' 'fuck me' is hilarious to me

Brainwashed

- I was obsessed the minute this came out

- I love playing this on bass, the timing is really nice and I like playing with the dynamics between the verse and chorus

- Falling fast for someone like that sounds terrifying, can't relate but I love the concept

- Looking at your crush and going 'why??' is absolutely a mood

2 Best Friends

- The next time I go out with my two besties the guy I've had a crush on twice is also meant to be there and something about that feels perfect for this song even though we're friends now and I literally invited him

- The synth sounds liked Glitter Times!!!

- I like this because even if I don't get like this about romance, 'it didn't work and I feel like shit. Wake up tomorrow and try again' is very much applicable to me. Shit sucks, things don't magically get better overnight, but fuck it we keep going.

End of the water (feel)

- The chorus feels like having a crush. It's like my heart is reaching out.

- The verse sounds like what goes on in my brain a lot of the time - maybe I do have ADHD..

- It's such an emotional song and my jaw literally dropped

- and then at the ernd you have FUCKING KURTIS CONNOR I burst out laughing it's 1am fuck

Self Sabotage

- I don't know what to say, it's a good song

- I think we're all guilty of self sabotaging behaviour to some degree but it's very interesting to hear someone else describe their experiences with it

Ritual

- something about it is reminiscent of the music I loved as a child - I've been into alternative music since I was born, and I can't quite place what it is but there's a nostalgia to it for me

- it's the equivalent of Tantrum orr Turbulent I guess but it feels so different

- the reference to Lemonade >>>>

Fuck About It

- The contrast between Ritual talking about his trauma and how he feels he's being taken advantage of, then Fuck About It being about a relationship where its just about sex because the other party doesn't want to communicate with him (and then that in contrast to Self Sabotage where its him who keeps trying to push her away)

- It's a fun song but as usual, I am left wanting to give Awsten a hug and stroke his hair like he's a cat if I think about the lyrics too long

Closer

- This ripped my heart out

- 'I feel love a different way' as someone who's a-spec that hit me hard.

- I have been here I have felt this

- 2000's pop punk vibes, reminiscent of All Time Low (I do not support ATL🖕) - reminds me of listening to Last Young Renegade on my sunset walks during lockdown

- The quiet, almost whispered final chorus!!!

A Night Out On Earth

- religious trauma ❤️

- 'A night out on earth, last one for a while, it can't get worse' just makes me think of my last night out before lockdown which was the end of a three year friendship.

Anyway.

- ending the album with audio from one of their early radio interviews is not making me emotional at all /s