#ive had this appt for like a month

[scarletcomet]

just saw a new psychiatrist and he told me im too unstable for his practice and won't refill my meds

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

i still havent digured out how to say anything to her abt that one class but i do know that what she said on friday hit me harder than i thought it would bc now im scared to look at my student dash, my email, im staying awake even tho im so so tired bc i know i have to do the rest of those things yet i feel stuck, and i feel so guilty and ew and i relapsed and basically binged like 3 times

[savethepinecones]

once again feeling guilty for setting boundaries yippee

[thoustve]

coughing fits when you are trying to sleep are the WORST

[leadmeastraylittlefairy]

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[serv0z]

Oh goody 1pm i can sleep finally. goodnight. Someone remind me later to ramble about the news i got the other

[illogicalghost]

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[runaway-horses]

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[florida3exclamationpoints]

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[swampdrive]

Thinking abt healthcare costs and am crying, screaming, throwing up etc. Lads

[lostjulys]

i know it is past 9pm so i cannot trust the horrors but oh do i want to!

[blubushie]

how long did it take you to grow a beard on t? ive been on it 8 months and zero sign of facial hair yet :(

(Checks calendar) Uh... Four years.

I'm gonna assume you're FtM here for general ease, correct me if I'm wrong.

Please bear in mind that my being intersex HEAVILY skews things. I was kept at a VERY low dose of testosterone for those four years (14-18)—basically only enough to ensure I wouldn't get osteoporosis because of my missing ovary (which was removed at 14). I never got a bolus dose so my voice never deepened. My body remained more or less androgynous. At 17 I went to my own doctor in Georgia, took advantage of their intersexism and desire to "fix" me, and was placed on a low adult dose of androgel. I was on that for about 3 months to stabilise before being put on injected pellets for another 10 months, during which my beard grew in. I started getting peach fuzz by 3 months in which still on Androgel, by 6 months in I was growing a really shitty moustache. But it still wasn't a bolus dose, and while my voice deepened somewhat depending on how I position my tongue and whether or not I'm speaking with my chest, it did not drop.

I had my last testopel appt in February of 2019. Five months later my testosterone ran out and I haven't been on testosterone for 5 years since up until April of this year, when I went back on Androgel. I have a testopel appt in July.

I'm telling you this so you understand that my experiences heavily skew my history and success with testosterone. My body had been slowly masculinising for three years until I got put on a higher dose, which basically jump-started the facial hair cycle, and since then my beard has had five years to figure out its schtick (though it's starting to fill out more now that I'm at a high adult dose again).

Really, you need to look elsewhere. Are you noticing a difference on T? Any bottom growth? More body hair? Is it affecting your voice? Is your body fat redistributing to a masculine pattern? How's your libido? Are you getting new acne anywhere?

If these things haven't changed in 8 months, then your T levels are too low. If they have, then don't worry. Think of how long it took your body to feminise during puberty. Couple years, right? It's probably gonna take about that long for T. Cuz all things considered, you are going through puberty again.

Also, genes have got a LOT to do with it. If a lot of your ancestral history is Native American, East Asian (especially Chinese), or Mexican, you probably won't grow much of a beard or chest hair. Bonus points to that though—if you're any of these, you probably won't experience much male pattern baldness either.

With time—and the right dose—it all comes down to genes. My dad can grow a full beard, I can grow a full beard, my dad has a full head of hair at 75, I have a full head of hair. No clue about my mum's side because she's adopted and we don't know who her birth parents are, so the jury's still out on whether or not my hair stays as I get older.

Just be patient, mate. It'll come to you in time. And if it doesn't, bring it up to your doctor if testosterone isn't doing anything to your body, cuz it means you either need a higher dose, or your body is converting your testosterone to oestrogen. Best way to check that? Get a blood test for testosterone.

Chookas! Here if you need me.

Also, protip: if/when you grow a beard, if you choose to grow it out long like Kratos or some shit, it WILL be patchy. There's no helping it. Massage your jaw because applying pressure to your follicles stimulates growth (males grow facial hair to protect against impact during fights since jawbones break easily—massaging the places where you want growth stimulates your follicles to grow more hair to protect against impact). And also just... Don't cut it. Beards are naturally kinda patchy, but at a certain length they fill out. So don't shave! That thing you hear about shaving promoting hair growth? That's bullshit! Just massage! (This works for anywhere you grow hair btw! Yeah even your scalp! But it will not reverse male pattern baldness.)

[raspberrysmoon]

ok forgive me for getting ranty but i just got really suddenly angry over a conversation i had today

so we can all tell im like, genuinely sick right? idk whats wrong but there is Something.

ive been to like.... three specialists? a cardiologist, a rheuatologist and two different types of physical therapists (three therapists overall) and we still dont have any idea whats wrong with me.

according to my father, this means im fine and we dont need to see any more doctors ever again even though i am consistently getting worse as i get older. he suggests diets and otc meds but refuses to take me back to the doctor wven for another blood test because the other one (ONE) was normal.

apparently i, (16, female, family history of extreme joint issues, arthritis and various other issues like diabetes and heart disease) am supposed to grow out of every symptom i have? including the fainting/pre sycope, extreme fatigue, insomnia, debilitating stomach issues/pain, near debilitating joint pain and migraines. all of which my mommy and extended family are coddled for having.

but when i look my dad in the eyes and tell him ive considered suicide because i havent gotten help he attributes it to me being a teen girl :/ i had to sneak-buy a cane that i may not get to use til i have a car (which atp will only happen because im being forced) which wont happen for another several months, to which ill have to have another drs appt for. yk routine shit. so ill end up handing my doctor a goddamn list and being like "figure this out or i am going to kill myself" (only half genuine i wont. but the idea is there) and by that point i may be banned from driving because of "concerns" (aka i have a FAINTING DISORDER and you arent supposed to drive if you regularly get dizzy/faint/lose vision, which i do)

im so upset. actually. why do they drop everything for my grandma when her wrist hurts a little but when im on the floor sobbing because i jerked my shoulder out of place i need to suck it up. why does it feel like nobody in my real life cares about me. why are my closest friends on tumblr. why does it feel like one person irl wants me to keep living. my parents are the ones all my friends always wanted until youre sick and they tell you to take some pain meds and get your goddamn grades up

[soft-puppy-boyfriend]

Feeling a little anxious about this psych appt tomorrow. I know this is oar for the course and such, Ive been writing lists for months now with the realisations that it's not just the Lismore stuff that I need to talk about but actually a long line of things that stretch back to my childhood - like a never ending scarf of issues pulled from a magicians pocket.

I just don't even really know where to begin or what would help me most to discuss with a professional, especially given the little problem of not being able to afford this psych should I need more than the ten free sessions that we get under Medicare here in Aus. Allegedly I can get another free ten sessions because I'm a carer but I don't know how true that is, so I gotta look that up.

Thankfully I'm waiting to hear back from one job I've applied for recently, and I just checked my emails to find another job application I sent has had a response so at least money wise I shouldn't be struggling so much soon?? If I can get a second job on top of being a carer?

Just having a bit of a tough time of it right now, and needed a vent.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

So I hope you don’t mind my rant 🪻

Basically Ive been fighting my undiagnosed issue for years. I dont feel valid enough to call it an ED. But basically I went through a very stressful time years ago leading me to severely restrict my intake and only eat one meal a day which obviously lead to weekly binges. I purged everyday for several months. Lost a significant amount of weight. When the stressor left I maintained my new lower weight . the behavior persisted for years albeit to a lesser extent.

I had come to a place where while self conscious i was somewhat healthy. I ate well and enjoyed cooking and baking. I had treats without worries. I loved dancing and actually had energy to exercise and adored it. I did struggle with a constant urge to exercise though. Id been purge free for an entire year and I have been binge free for a few years

April comes and the stress of that time throws me back into restriction. At first I tell myself its okay. I make an effort to harm reduce and I eat three meals a day. Even with taking vitamins and exercising and losing weight the so called healthy way I have stomach pains and bloating, Im exhausted.

It continues and worsens and I restrict lower and lower. Often skipping a meal or only having one. My fatigue is terrible, I struggle to sleep and my anxiety is out of control. My skin is dry. My stomach gets painfully full easily. I am emotional. I cry all the time. I have sharp chest pains and I am cold. I an constantly dizzy and it is hard to breath when I stand up.

I am barely underweight. But I want to feel better.

Ive already been to the doctor twice but was too afraid to come forward about the restriction. Im going to a cardiologist soon.

Here is the real issue. I lied on the mental helath screening bcs I was afraid of being committted into a psych ward and My pcp recommended therapy. I made an appt and then cancelled. Since my anxiety is now so bad i cant manage i call to reschedule and try it and give it an honest effort.

Just the thought of going made me so upset I began purging again half of me wants to hide my issue from my therapist or cancel and the other half wants to come forward and see about getting help. This is also encouraging me to lose more because i feel i have to be sicker in order to get a diagnosis or be deserving of help. Im also so afraid of being committed or going to inpatient. It is my biggest fear. What do I do ?

I don't mind your rant, anon. It sounds like you're dealing with something really difficult and I think you are indeed allowed to call it an eating disorder.

I can understand your fear around being diagnosed, as it can change your life significantly. At the same time, anon, you will not be able to get help unless you take the steps to reach out for it (and follow through on them!) I know it's really hard and really scary, especially the thought of going to inpatient.

I get a lot of people saying "I feel like I need to be sicker." However, on the flipside, imagine all the people who've done lasting health damage to themselves, who may wish they'd gotten help before they'd gotten as sick as they did! An eating disorder is an eating disorder, and all sufferers deserve the opportunity to get help for the underlying cause of their disorder no matter what stage of ED they're in. You don't have to get "sick enough" to validate the fact that you're suffering. You can validate it to yourself. In fact, let me say it to you, anon. I see you. I see that you're suffering. You are worthy and deserving of help and support. I wish you healing.

(I'd like to add a sidenote here that just because you don't feel you look emaciated doesn't mean you aren't sick. Most human bodies have a LOT of safeguards against weight loss, especially in individuals who have a pattern of restricting, eating again, restricting, eating again...your body can still be struggling and deprived of nutrients even if it's stubbornly refusing to let go of pounds to try and keep you alive. It sounds as though your body is trying to express its distress to you in other ways, but are you ready to listen to it? That's up to you.)

I think you need to ask yourself what self-care steps you need to take in order to schedule a therapy appointment and stick to it. I think you know that the urge to comfort yourself by purging is counterproductive. What other things can you do to self-soothe in a healthy way? What are some small comforts you can use to show your body that you believe it deserves comfort and compassion while you work up the nerve to re-schedule?

When you do go to therapy, perhaps you could write down a script of stuff you're ready to talk about and stick to that script. A good therapist will gently push you but will also let you go at your pace and will not force you to talk about things that you're not ready to talk about. If you don't feel that connection with the therapist you meet, you can always search for another one. Yeah, I know, it's really hard to go through those steps AGAIN when you're already struggling so much. It's important, though. And when you're done, perhaps you can reward yourself with a treat. It doesn't have to be a food treat, if you are not at a point where you can effortlessly enjoy food. It can be any little thing that makes your body or soul feel rewarded, a fancy soap or a bath bomb, some art supplies or a little home decoration. Anything that helps you focus on giving yourself some love without engaging in ED behaviors.

You can go to cardiology, but until you're honest about what's straining your body, you'll only be putting band-aids on a much bigger gaping wound. I mean, still go to cardiology. But I think you know that you need to start treating the disorder, and finding ways to stay out of the disorder when stressful times come around.

I also want to address your fears around inpatient treatment. A lot of doctors and counselors will be willing to work with you around an outpatient treatment plan if you show that you want to heal and feel better and are willing to keep working toward that end. However, some people do end up in inpatient and I know it's scary to end up in a new environment and feel like all your control is being taken from you. But remember, while being able to engage in ED behaviors feels like you're controlling your life, every time you do it, the eating disorder takes more control of YOU. Think about it. You're already struggling. You're engaging in behaviors that take away the energy and time you had for the true joys in your life. You want medical professionals to help you, but you're not giving them the full range of information to help you. Do you feel like you're really in control of your life right now?

If you show willingness to work outpatient, I think your supports will probably work with you on this. However, I cannot 100% promise you will not end up needing to do inpatient. I know that's scary. You're allowed to be scared! I invite you to sit with that feeling and hold compassion for yourself and know that you're not the first person to ever be scared of going into inpatient. You also may have to talk about the possibility while seeking treatment. It's okay to be scared, I hope you know that. That's why I suggested bringing a script to therapy, so you can give your therapist a baseline for what you're able to confront right now. A good therapist will develop a rapport with you so that you feel safe working through scary topics. Healing is not the absence of fear, but knowing you have a safe person equipped with tools to help you cope with fear. Someone who will meet you with compassion, not judgment, and lay out your options for you in a way that you understand.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult journey, anon. I hope you find healing.

[beesmygod]

i had my final appt with the rheumatologist and the result is a big shrug. my rash is finally almost gone and a 5 day course of steroids finally stopped the chronic 4-5 pain scale pain down to a rare 1, which was my norm prior to this. my blood tests are all normal and i basically just have a collection of symptoms that i need to keep an eye on. like chilblains, which is somehow not a normal human response to cold lol. how the fuck was i supposed to know it wasnt normal for your toes to swell and turn red when exposed to one second of sub 60 degree weather. do you think im out here comparing toes. the steroids finally deflated my big toe, which looked like a clowns nose

anyway. hopefully things can get back on schedule in april. after this chapter i will take a long break x_x i just need one month of REAL rest after 10 years straight of comics. not fake ass rest where i work full time to build a buffer. actual "do not even think abt work rest"

unfortunately thats kind of the one thing you cant so in webcomics so. ill have to figure smth out lol. stressed. but thats how it is. i refuse to waste my life pathologizing and throwing metaphorical spaghetti at the wall of the shitty body god made me at the expense of doing something i actually want to do.

ive never felt "good" in my life so theres no logical reason to believe theres a secret perfect baseline of no pain i can achieve. im just going for the best i can manage with the understanding that i will have more limited resources after i get married and lose medicaid

sucks! fail nation