#ive hardly been home since we got back from covid

[dear-ao3]

beginning the arduous task of packing up my college dorm since im graduating next month and it is making me incredibly emotional for no reason

[haloburns]

had some free time to think today and i just. got really sad about the life i used to think i was going to have before i became disabled

(whoops this turned into a Journal Entry, so im putting it beneath a read more sry lmao)

like. i had plans to travel europe and work in cafes and stay out too late in clubs with my new friends and then stumble in to open the cafe with my clothes from the night before and smeared makeup. and like, maybe thats a weird dream to have, but id spent so long in this tiny little box in my hometown (kinda. its complicated bc ive lived where i am now longer than the place i was born, but my birthplace will always be my hometown, to me.) so i was reaching for experiences so drastically different from the life id known.

but then i went to college out of state. 10h from home, almost in canada. and i did spend a good chunk of my first two years partying exactly like i described: work until 8/9, go home eat something fatty and greasy, change into smth slutty and cool, and go out with my friends and stay out until the wee hours, making out and dancing with whoever asked. two one night stands came of it, both embarrassing for different reasons (thats a whole different post lmao but i dont regret either, actually) but i had so much fun. i felt free. like i could truly be myself for the first time in my life

and then i became disabled.

(caveat: ive probably been disabled my whole life, but i simply. never noticed. i didnt know it wasnt normal to be in pain, because i didnt know what 'pain-free' meant. it wasnt until i started making diasbled and crippled friends that they made me realize that living at a 4/5 on the pain scale All The Time is in fact not normal)

i got a terrible cold my first thanksgiving. spent the entire break on the couch in the lounge sniffling and coughing, trash can, tissues, hand sanitizer, and lotion all right next to me because i was DETERMINED not to get anyone sick (context: this was pre covid. wearing masks was like. not a thought.) despite everyone having gone home/away for the break. i got my first (and only) case of viral pink eye. i had bronchitis until april. that same january, while i still had bronchitis, my knees suddenly swelled up so badly i couldnt move for two days. my knees have ached almost daily since then.

from there, it was simply a cascade failure of things. fingers and wrist hurt constantly, no matter what i did or what brace i wore. (hint: i ended up having de quervaines tenosynovitis and had to have surgery bc it went untreated for 5+ years) back was constantly cramping. feet hurt after only a four hour shift. stairs became impossible. i was constantly exhausted, no matter what i did.

then, in december 2020, i was home like everyone else, and i was working in my mom's office full time while also attending classes full time remotely (like everyone else). my mom took a week off. finals week. she left me in charge, since i was the second most senior person in the office with my roughly two years experience. my half sister was demanding to know why our other sister wouldnt talk to her after she borrowed our car to go see our estranged father. again. (we gave her permission to borrow the car, but it still hurt). the exhaustion was getting worse and worse until thursday of that week. my coworker was threatening to call my mom to come pick me up because i couldnt think, could barely talk, and i was nodding off at my desk. and then my half sister called out of nowhere and wanted to talk. and i was so tired, so done with EVERYTHING, i let her have it. that took the last bit of my energy and i told my coworker to call my mom.

i spent a week in bed with the worst pain in my life. my entire body ACHED. my cat couldnt lay on me because it felt like i was being crushed to death my a bed of needles. my elbow swelled up so badly i could hardly move it. i could barely sit up to eat or stand to go pee. i slept SO MUCH.

i returned to work maybe a week or two after. i maybe finished my classes but i hoenstly dont remember. i moved back up to school in jan/feb with covid restrictions so i could finish my senior year on campus. i couldnt walk to the mail room and back without needing a nap. i couldnt go to starbucks and bring back two coffees without needing a break in the middle of my walk. i went to the health services because something wasnt right.

after some tests and lots of arguing with some shitty doctors and PTs, the light of my life, dr k diagnosed me with chronic fatigue. i finally had an answer for all my issues.

i thought that was it.

that summer, june/july 2021, i developed postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and fought to get it taken seriously. two er trips with elevated heart rate, brain fog, and high bp, and it took the second trip to have them take me SERIOUSLY and get a referral. the cardiologist told me i was fat and just needed to exercise more, the three heart monitors don't show stereotypical tachycardic events, so im just experiencing elevated heart rates. i was fine. finally convince him to put me on propranolol, the "as needed" dose, and fuck off when he says he wants to work me off them and get me exercising.

i found a doctor who took me seriously and listened when i said "i have x problem. i would like a solution." and gave me referral after referral after referral, chasing more and more diagnoses. she never once made me feel insane for my symptoms, never made me feel unheard, and she never failed to make me cry in relief every time i went to see her and didnt have to fight for just an ounce of care.

since then, ive been diagnosed with moderate asthma, psoriasis, fibromyalgia, and potentially (almost assuredly) hypermobile ehlers-danlos syndrome. (for those of you keeping track, thats six diagnoses in four years) dr m, my savior, retired this year, and ive found a new doctor im hoping i can teach to treat me with the same care and respect. shes already given me a second referral to gastroenterology for my stomach issues (which... might just be from too much ibuprofen... :) rip me) and neurology bc my migraines that have crippled me for upwards of a month before are no longer being managed by my meds and i need something more specific before i start new meds. she said shed find me a doctor to dx heds, bc shes still new and wasnt comfortable with the tests required and didnt want to do it wrong, which endears her to me just a little more

but all of ^^^ that is just a big winding way to say that my life has changed a LOT since i graduated high school. i can no longer stand for long periods of time. i cant lift more than maybe 5-10lbs, and i certainly cant carry it for any significant length of time. i get migraines so easily. my joints slip out of place if i step wrong. i cant go out one night and expect to be up and at'em early the next day. i have to weigh my energy vs what i want to get done vs what needs to get done, and most days, nothing gets done at all.

and sometimes, usually when i get a new diagnosis and a new complication to my life, i mourn the life i used to dream about for myself. i mourn the things ive had to lose out on because my reality has changed so drastically. i cant go to amusement parks anymore. i cant go to standing-room-only concerts. i cant go to the grocery by myself. and you can forget doing things like wandering through the mall to kill time or going for a leisurely walk around the park.

being disabled is not the worst thing to happen to me, and i dont think im damaged or broken or anything like that. despite all the pain and complications and accomodations i have and need, i love myself the way i am. after all, i am now the funniest fucking person in ANY room. i dont think i want it back, because i love the life i have now (meaningful volunteer work, a dnd group i love, and a partner i thank the stars for regularly). but sometimes, its hard not to mourn the life i thought id have

[mandoalorian]

Sugar and Spice [Max Lord x F!Reader] — Chapter 12

Summary: When you are evicted from your apartment by your toxic ex boyfriend and have no place to go, who do you turn to? Alone in the city as the countdown to Christmas begins, you find yourself applying for a job as the assistant of the world’s biggest entrepreneur; Maxwell Lord. Little do you know, he has other intentions for you. No doubt about it, this Christmas will truly be like no other.

Word count: 2.3k

Warnings: Smut, mentions of a previous verbally abusive relationship, typical 80s misogyny (but very little of it), mentions of food and drink, alcohol consumption. This is a sugardaddy x sugarbaby fic soooo… a daddy k!nk too oops.

But in this chapter: food mention, tooth rotting fluff. Our story comes full circle.

Author’s note: Here it is. The final chapter of Sugar and Spice. The Epilogue should be coming soon. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did, and I'd like to thank you all for supporting me and my writing. This was my first ever series and the love I got for it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I love you all so much. (PS— i’m still sick with COVID so I am really really sorry if this is a poor chapter. I tried my hardest. Happy valentines day.)

MASTERLIST

PREVIOUS - CHAPTER TWELVE - EPILOGUE [coming soon!]

The second Maxwell engulfed himself amongst the soft satin blankets of his bed, he knew he was glad to be home. You climbed in beside him, and his eyes raked your body as he took in the sight of your baby pink slip on silk nightgown that you were wearing. He swallowed, and reached over to grab your waist and pull you on top of him. So there you were, straddling your sugar daddy after not seeing him for over a month. You pressed your palms against his bare chest and looked him in the eyes.

"There's something I need to tell you." Maxwell announced, knowing it had to be now or never. He couldn't keep hiding it. After the month in London and Alistair being brought back into his life, a lot had changed for him. He wasn't the same man he was back in December.

"About Ali?" you asked, tracing circles into his skin.

"Well, yeah. But— something else." Maxwell replied, shuffling around slightly. You sensed it was serious due to his tone of voice and your movements paused as you stared dead into his eyes.

"You don't have another secret child, do you?" you deadpanned.

"No!" Maxwell said defensively and you smiled softly. "It's about us."

You braced yourself. He'd been gone for a month, come back with a kid, and you were certain he was going to break the arrangement off with you. You pulled your hands off him and went to crawl off his lap, but his large hands landed on your thighs to hold you down.

"That night after the annual Black Gold Christmas gala… I saw you with Bruce and I got drunk and— my mom— and… I told you… I told you everything. About my father and having absent parents and. I said— I said— I said I was in love with you," Maxwell gulped and it took him every ounce of strength to not break his eye contact with you. He wanted to remain strong. You remembered the night like it was yesterday; clear as day. Of course, how could you forget the moment he said those words? And he hadn't spoken of it since, until now. Between you being held hostage by Tristan and Maxwell being whisked away to London, there'd hardly been an appropriate time to bring it up. "I swore that once I returned from the UK we would talk about this. So, Y/N, I have to tell you that my feelings haven't changed. It's been months, we've been together and apart. We've argued and fought but we've laughed and made love too. We've had distance— hell, I've been on the other side of the world for the past month but not a second has gone by where I haven't thought about you. About loving you, and kissing you, and even if you don't feel the same way, I hope you can forgive me."

"Forgive you?" You asked after a brief silence. You'd been waiting for what felt like a lifetime to hear these words, and yet you were struggling to comprehend them. It didn't feel real.

"For not doing anything or saying anything sooner. I should've said something sooner. I wish I had. I wish… I wish…" Maxwell rambled but you placed a finger to his lips, silencing him.

"No," you told him sternly. "No wishing. You don't need to make a wish because— everything is fine just the way it is," Maxwell's heart sank at your words and you watched as his chest deflated. "No!" you cried before trying to clarify. You didn't want him to get the wrong idea. "You have a successful business, and a son, and Max, you have me. You'll always have me. Because I love you too. I'm in love with you Maxwell Lord."

Max's chocolate coloured eyes widened at your confession as disbelief bolted through his body. Never in a million years would Maxwell expect that you would truly love him back. How could he expect anyone to love a man like him? Kitty hadn't. His mother hadn't. But you…

"I love you so much Max," you sighed before pressing a kiss into his lips. You caught a tear slip down his cheek and you quickly wiped it away. "Don't ever apologise for being you. Our story has been a whirlwind so far but it's not over. It's not over Max. I love you."

"I love you too." he whispered, wrapping his arms tight around your body when you kissed him again.

By the time Valentines Day rolled around, you swore it was like Maxwell and Alistair had never spent any time apart. The six year old boy was the spitting double of his father— personality and all.

He dived into your bed and jumped up and down.

"I got a card! Look daddy! I got a card!" Alistair beamed. Maxwell groaned and rolled over, holding a pillow over his head. You smiled tiredly and pulled the little boy into your arms.

"Good morning Ali, where did you get that?" you asked.

"It was on the kitchen table! Look mama, it's for me!" He squealed, pointing at the name that was inked in perfect calligraphy. Your perfect calligraphy. Your heart melted slightly at the little name he'd given you. "Mama". You figured it was something Maxwell had pushed, but he swore he hadn't, and that Alistair had decided that you'd be his mama from now on anyway. Kitty was out of the picture for good now, and you were nicer to him in the past two weeks than Kitty had been to him his whole life. That was the sad truth.

"Oh, so it is." you giggled, pressing a kiss into Alistair's forehead. You rolled over slightly and pat the middle of the bed, gesturing for Alistair to come and lay down in between you and his father.

"I only ever get cards like this on my birthday and Christmas. And today is neither of those days." Alistair pondered out loud, tapping his index finger against his chin as he thought. Just like his daddy.

"Do you know what day it is, Ali?" you beckoned.

You realised Maxwell must've finally woken himself up when his hand reached over to hold yours, his thumb circling your skin. You glanced over to him and saw that his big brown eyes were watching his son.

"Ummm…"

"It's the only day of the year where I can do this," Maxwell interrupted, pressing his lips against yours and kissing you. His sudden action was enough to take your breath away and Alistair went to make a noise of disgust. But Maxwell pulled away from your lips and placed a hand over his son's mouth. "And you, mister, can't do that!" he chastised, wiggling his finger with a chuckle.

"But daddy, kissing is yucky!" Alistair frowned, sticking his tongue out in dismay. You rolled your eyes, pulled the little boy on top of you and pressed another kiss into his forehead. Since you had a hold of him, Maxwell took the opportunity to tickle Alistair, erupting a scream of laughter. "Dad-daddy! Aaah daddy please!" Alistair laughed, kicking his legs and flailing his arms around.

"Have you worked out what day it is yet?" you asked the little boy once he'd settled back down. A small blush crept upon his cheeks.

"Va-valentines day?" Alistair asked, his voice timid.

"Are you telling me that my son Alistair has a valentine?" Maxwell gasped jokingly and Alistair's grin only grew wider with excitement.

"Can I open it?" Alistair giggled happily.

"Go on!" you laughed, giving him a small nudge.

You and Max both watched intently as Alistair opened the card. Of course, you had purchased the card and wrote it out. But seeing the excitement on Alistair's face when he read ‘love from your secret admirer’ was undefeatable. It was magical, and it filled your heart with so much love and joy. Alistair was new to your life, just as new as he was to Maxwell's, but if one thing was for sure, it was that you loved him just as much as you'd love your own child. And that wasn't lost on Maxwell.

He honestly expected you might have left him. Or grown distant upon learning that he had a son. But once again, you had proven Maxwell Lord IV wrong. You were unlike any other woman he'd ever met, and now that he had the two most important people in his life, he felt like he could accomplish anything. Nothing else mattered anymore. Just you and Alistair.

"My son, only six years old and already has a secret admirer!" Maxwell chuckled, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around Alistair. "But you'll always be my boy, won't you Ali?"

"Yes daddy." Alistair smiled a toothy grin.

"Us Lord men… we always get the ladies." Maxwell told his son, causing you to belly laugh. Maxwell shot you a joking glare and you tried to stifle any more of your giggles.

"On that note," you rolled your eyes and slid out of bed. "How does pancakes for breakfast sound?"

Both Maxwell and his son cheered with joy at the thought of pancakes. You remembered you even had some strawberries and cream left over from the night before which would go well with it. You pulled your silk robe over you and padded to the kitchen.

"Do you remember the plan?" Maxwell whispered quietly once you'd left the room, cradling his son.

"I do." Alistair beamed snuggling into his father's chest. Maxwell smiled a little.

"Tonight, yeah? After dinner." Maxwell reminded his son.

"Do you love her?" Alistair quizzed further, and Max's smile grew even more.

"I do," Max confessed. "More than anything."

"I think she loves you too." Alistair said softly.

"Yeah?"

"I see the way she looks at you," Alistair mumbled. "Like how Ariel looks at Prince Eric."

"Wh-who?" Max furrowed his eyebrows together and Alistair's jaw dropped slightly.

"Okay daddy. We're all watching The Little Mermaid after dinner." Alistair decided in that moment, his tone of voice leaving no room for question.

Maxwell quirked an eyebrow. "Really? And who put you in charge?"

"I'm a Lord," Alistair said proudly. "Besides, someone has to watch over you two lovebirds. Make sure you don't get yourself in trouble."

Maxwell couldn't believe the six year old boy. Alistair was definitely Maxwell's son, that's for sure.

Just as you were finishing up frying the last pancake, the kitchen phone began to ring. You answered it, surprised to hear the voice of your lawyer— or more accurately, Maxwell's lawyer. You had been using him to defend yourself on the case between you and Tristan. He had told you that Tristan was going to be locked away for a very long time, and that you'd won the case. A wash of relief flooded over you, and finally, things were beginning to look up for you and your little family.

You called down Alistair and Maxwell once breakfast was ready, and you served the heart shaped pancakes at the table. Maxwell came down a few minutes later than Alistair and he was holding on envelope. When he sat down opposite you, he passed you the envelope with a smug grin on his face.

"What's this?" you asked curiously, and Maxwell shrugged his shoulders casually as he sipped on his black coffee. He hadn't stopped smirking though. "Maxie, we agreed on no gifts this year?" you sighed, already feeling bad for not getting him anything.

"Baby, it's not exactly a gift. I mean, it's something for both of us. Something that's important to you and well… just open it, please." he urged.

You hesitated, exchanging a glance between Max and Alistair (who was already neck deep in pancakes), before sighing and opening the envelope. Inside was a letter from a retail agent? As you read the letter, your heart began to slam against your chest. No way.

"Max… you bought my old apartment building? The whole building?" you gasped, slamming your hand over your mouth in disbelief. "You bought it in both of our names?"

"Because I knew how much it meant to you. And how much your neighbours meant to you. They were all mistreated by Tristan, and that isn't okay. I bought the property from the council so we're the rightful owners now. And we won't overcharge rent like Tristan did. We don't need to. We'll refurbish the whole place. We'll give the families who live there a safe place that they can call home, and they won't have to worry about any abuse from Tristan, or their utilities falling apart, or bills… it'll be wonderful."

"Maxwell I- I don't know what to say I…" you were utterly speechless, tears filling your eyes. Obviously this was going to cost him a lot of money and a lot to upkeep, but for the first time, it felt like it wasn't even about money. It was a grand gesture, sure, but it was also the most thoughtful and unexpected thing he'd ever done for you.

"I love you." Max revelled and you smiled.

"I love you too." you replied, leaning over the table and pressing a kiss into his lips. You glanced back down at the letter, admiring the way your surname and Max's surname looked together on the sheet of paper.

At the start of December you didn't even own a car. You couldn't even pay rent. Now you were living in a suburban manor with your perfect little family. Amongst a little bit of sugar and a little bit of spice, you had found love, meaning and purpose. You'd found your soulmate.

Just as you thought your life was good and couldn't get any better, you didn't realise what Maxwell Lord had in store for you this evening. Your whole world was about to change.

---

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[green-blue-heller]

hey, can you explain the cockles breakup? i saw u just posted about it and s7 and ive seen speculations but i dont think i really understand what happened lol

Hi Anon!

Thanks for your question!!

First off - DISCLAIMER: I do not know Jensen or Misha, or anyone they know. I do not have any direct information or confirmation of any information in this post. This information may or may not be correct (if anyone has any further clarification, feel free to add it - just please know that this same disclaimer will extend to such comments). None of this should ever be discussed with Jensen or Misha. Their lives are theirs, and while the fandom may discuss and speculate, it’s not okay to do so with the actual people.

Ok... now that we have that out of the way!

I will find the post that gave me the most of the information that I have about it, and reblog with it.

But it’s after 1 am, so I’ll give you the quickish answer now lol.

So, in 2011 Misha was essentially fired from SPN as Sera Gamble was killing off Cas (he’s in S7 ep 1-2, and then doesn’t come back until ep 17, I think it is). He wasn’t supposed to come back, at all. He was supposed to be dead dead.

Summer 2009 is where the earliest flirting is seen with JenMish. I think it was AHBL 1. It is on YT. They’re doing a signing, and Jensen and Misha are going back and forth saying about how they couldn’t see each other and they were worried. Jared pipes up and says that he’ll keep an eye on them and let them know the other is still there.

Vicki and Dee are behind Jared and there is definitely giggling going on.

Then Dec 14 2019 is when Jensen posted what’s referred to as the 10 year anniversary pic and it’s assumed that the original was taken around the same date (if anyone has any links to the pic being talked about, can you please share?)

So, if you assume Dec 2009 is when cockles officially became cockles, then it wasn’t very long after when word would have trickled down that Cas was being killed off. I’d say maybe late 2010 to early 2011.

As far as I can tell, no one knows who ended it. Speculation is probably Jensen, saying it would be too difficult now that Misha wasn’t part of the cast, even though he only lives like an hour and a half from Vancouver.

It also has to be taken into consideration that Jensen and Dee got engaged in 2009 and married in 2010. Then 2011, Misha is written off the show.

It’s fair to assume Jensen wouldn’t have wanted to rock the boat at home for something that he wasn’t sure could be sustained.

So, during the 2011 con panels (I think starting around the time of the Asylum convention) Misha is totally different and a little sarcastic/meanish. The matching rings and bracelets also disappear during this time (but different matching/coordinating jewelry shows up later though).

At Rising Con 2011, Mish and Seb have a panel, and Seb says his favorite sound is when he’s laying next to someone he loves and listening to her sleep.

Misha buts in and says “or him” and looks really sad. He’s off the entire panel.

This continues for a while with panels.

I don’t know what con it is, but at one of them, Jensen does talk about how he is glad that Misha is back on the show. I don’t know if they’ve made up yet at this point, since I don’t know when it is from.

I haven’t watched all the 2012 panels (hardly any) but by JIB, they seemed to have maybe made up.

Jensen jokes about their panel being sort of like a blind date. And apologizes that it might be a bit awkward, sort of like working together. Then Misha says that he rather enjoyed working together.

Jensen assures him then that it was great, and that he had a great time. Then tells Misha it was not him (Misha), that it was him (Jensen).

Then Misha says he thought it was really special. And Jensen makes a comment about how maybe they can give it another shot and Misha kinda shakes his head.

This is either Jensen still in the groveling phase, or the trying to be cute and apologize and say he’s happy they worked things out.

Jensen is a little extra flirty.

But it’s obvious after this that things are fine. Since by JIB10, they ran outta fucks to give and Misha literally straddles Jensen on stage and Jen gets a boner and has to adjust himself. Lol.

Though it’s obvious they’re sad about the show ending. I’m sure the breakup (if there had actually been one) over them not being on the same show anymore from 10 years ago is coming back to them. And I’m sure it’s especially not easy with covid.

But they still seem to be bringing up each other when talking, when it’s not really necessary. And Jensen still gets his stupid (in the most loving meaning) smile when he talks about Misha.

And they were obviously texting each other during the panel on Tuesday.

So, hopefully, cockles is still going strong. It’s been 11 years now, not like 1. So hopefully they have learned how to deal with things.

If only The Boys was shot in Vancouver and not in Ontario. Then he wouldn’t be far from Misha, to be able to see him once there aren’t mandatory 2 week quarantines when arriving in Canada.

But I know during JIB10, Misha made several remarks about moving to Austin.

This would be amazing, though idk of him and Vicki would actually want to uproot the kids. So it may be a more wishful thinking. Even if not, I’m sure covid is making that impossible at the moment.

So... I hope I answered your question, nonnie. Lol.

Like I said, I’ll reblog it tomorrow with links to the post I found on it, as well any other links to the panels in question (if I can find them again).

Though all the ones I talked about are on YT.

Let me know if you have further questions, either in the comments or via another ask! 💕

Edit: the post now has additional pieces, with links to other posts and references. So I suggest checking the comments to get the latest version!

[danideservedbetter]

Day 7, 8, 9, and 10 / Elaboration

Hey y’all! I said yesterday I would elaborate a little more on what my doctor’s visit yesterday told me, and here I am to do just that! I meant to yesterday, honestly, but by the time I got home my medicine had worn off and that wasn’t looking very likely 😅😅 But regardless!!! Here is what my results look like and honestly? These things probably have been affecting my sleeping disorder to a degree I’d previously disregarded without detailed info I’ve gotten from these tests.

Full write up under the cut!

—I got two major tests done, blood work and a genetics test. Back in my hometown the nurses couldn’t even figure out how to open the damn swab, but technology here managed to map out my entire DNA sequence which is utterly NUTS to me.

—My body is deficient in almost every important vitamin known to mankind, which makes sense because my diet is not… the best 😅 So, I started on several (SEVERAL) supplements to start out.

—I say start out because it’s very likely that I’ll be taking vitamin C and some liver enzyme through an IV once a month. A younger me might’ve thought something like this was scary, but at this point I’m so desperate to be healthy that getting nutrients drip fed into my system for them to work quicker sounds just fine to me.

—Other than that it’s normal lifestyle stuff. Eat more fruits and vegetables (I’ve been eating olives by the can for like days and I intend to buy fresh fruit packets for breakfast whenever I can afford them) as well as staying more active— which I DEFINITELY have been since I moved closer to New Orleans, in Louisiana proper where my dad lives.

But enough of the boring medicinal stuff. I’m sure you guys are much more interested in the whys— is there a reason my hypersomnia is so bad? Is there a deeper explanation than “lack of vitamins bad and you should feel bad”?

Well, yeah. YES. The genetics test revealed a metric fuckton to say the least 😂😂😂 but the most important was what kinds of diseases I’m predisposed to or how my body can process certain types of hormones/enzymes/proteins. Things like why caffeine won’t work for me (my body processes it very fast but not very thoroughly) or my metabolism being the strongest recorded genotype (which is why it’s been so hard to gain weight). Below, I’ll go into detail about stuff my new general doctor’s in-office geneticist (I still can’t believe that’s a thing I’m typing) has revealed about my disorder.

Naturally, this is specific to me because of my parents and our family lines. Maybe if you see info pertinent to yourself, looking into genetic mapping may be a good idea for you?

We are pretty confident that I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. The reason for this is that a tiny link has been found between individuals who contracted mononucleosis in their childhood and adolescence and individuals who fell within the sleep cycles indicating IH. Now, IH will be genetic sometimes, but considering I’ve tracked my disorder to starting around 14, the same year I contracted Mono, the coincidence definitely doesn’t seem like… well, a coincidence. My blood test shows that I do in fact have the antibodies in my system, and they’re doing something… odd.

The geneticist found some “active” antibodies. Well, not some, really 😅 Basically, she’s surmised that these antibodies have a hair-trigger response and can react to any given environmental factor (stress, hunger, etc.) to the point where they activate as if they think they’re **fighting off a virus that’s been out of my system for ten years.** Of course this takes up an inordinate amount of energy, which is her hypothesis as to why my hypersomnia is so random and varies in intensity. The goal for this summer is flushing these antibodies out of my system.

My previous neurologist tried out a couple stimulants and then shit insurance prevented me from trying any others. So I’m stuck on something traditionally prescribed for adhd. A narcotic. *However* since my body is severely dysfunctional in general, the way I describe it is I basically have to induce a high to stay awake and function normally. We want to eventually get me off of these kinds of drugs, of course, since prolonged exposure weakens their effects and they’re highly addictive.

Another in credibly interesting thing we found is that I'm lacking in three major hormones. However, it's not because I don't produce them. I've never identified with symptoms of depression (anxiety, certainly, but not depression) yet for most of my life my childhood general practitioner insisted I had it. Well, the geneticist found that while I'm lacking in serotonin, dopamine, and melatonin, which yes are the two major mood enhancers and then the hormone that induces sleep, it's not because I can't produce them. It's because my neural transmitters are so damaged from a less-than-good diet and years of exhaustion that they simply can't process them. Just as the antibodies can have a hair-trigger response to environmental factors, so too can these processors. Simple things like a good meal, my high from my stimulants, or even micro dopamine shots from getting things done can activate the transmitters. Another thing on the docket for the summer is fixing these permanently with treatments of vitamins and supplements.

My stimulants have caused appetite issues, unfortunately, and that plus Covid at the beginning of this year caused me to get down to my lowest recorded weight ever, 94 pounds, which I haven't weighed since before I hit my final growth spurt way back in middle school. My dad does physical labor (he's a contractor who frames houses in the humid heat of the Deep South lol) so he's used to feeling tired. When he caught Covid, he said that he'd never felt as tired, drained, or out of it in his entire life. He never gets sick and hardly goes to the doctor and NEVER takes off work because of health, but in his last few weeks before full recovery he had to take off early multiple times. He was floored when he described the brain fog and exhaustion and I told him that I had no idea I even had Covid, because I just thought it was my disorder acting up. It was only when my grandmother started feeling tired that we got tested and we tested positive.

All that said, we think that there's hope for a future for me. She said that while there's no cure for IH, the cause that I have may can be mitigated by changes in exercise, diet, routine, and medication,to the point where I may mitigate symptoms of my disorder entirely. I'm still setting up appointments with a new neurologist here in the city, though, because technology is of course more advanced here.

And again, taking all of this into consideration, while it was looking likelier by the day, we've both agreed that I'll be here in the city 'til New Years. Which means no school this semester, but if I can go back in spring at more than 20% functionality and maybe succeed, I'm perfectly fine having to remain on break.

However, another good update: I weigh 103 pounds! I'm steadily gaining weight-- which means the other medication, the one for my appetite, is working as it should and as long as I stay on-track I should reach my goal of 120 by the end of the year as well.

So, yeah! That's what it's looking like. I have another appointment to go more in depth with the results tomorrow, but for now I'm planning out my week since I decided to let myself rest all last week. I'd love to finish helping out for our current podfic, ACTUALLY start the damn 100 Theme Challenge (LOL), finish betaing something that's been on hold for months, properly reconnect with our discord, catch up on all the media I fell behind on, clean my damn room, and establish a budget for this week on what I can buy. A more specific plan for today will follow, but til then, I hope this gives everyone some insight on what I'm looking at and how I'm gonna try to fix it.

Xoxo

Dani

[thecringefailintherye]

Melody (S.W.A.L.K) 1971 Livewatch

I have seen this movie. but not the whole thing (i got interupped the first time i watched it)... so here goes! 

movie load please

20 seconds of logos???

guitar song™

this movie is so nostalgic for no reason

Mark Lester and Jack Wild: did you mean, Oliver Twist and The Artful Dodger?

and tracy hyde shes here too

i love this movie sm wtf

can these credits end????

ok yes they can

70s film marching band scene

ornshaw drinking whiskey before band bc why not

danny is bby

mY mOtHeR dId It SiR

dannys mum is so annoying wtf

i really love tom ornshaw

run bitch run

The BB™

SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER???

look at his lil face ❤

MELODY MY DAUGHTER

a gowdfish please

aww look at her 

“ive done all those things i wanna try something new” LIKE DRAWING TIDDIES? DANIEL

“ah a boy gave it to me at school” was it ornshaw, i bet it was ornshaw

BITCH YOU RIPPED DANNYS TITS DRAWING

melody girl you cant play that fucking recorder

this film has great cinematography wtf

Melody Perkins Deserves The World !!

the gang go to school

Ornshaw Gets Bullied

“the jewish boys may now leave for private study” what about the jewish girls?? there’s clearly girls in the class?? why do they have to listen to the bible

ornshaw’s porn bible

DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHO JESUS WAS???

dont smoke at school kids

okay so shes peggy, why is she credited as maureen. who the fuck is maureen

hear me out, muriel is a lesbian. noone kisses for over five minutes unless youre proper horny and this bitch is like thirteen. she also says “i dont know, i never used to kiss boys”, because SHE DOESNT. shes lying because she doesnt kiss boys. shes closeted and thats whys she says she does. also, she got angry at peggy for saying she fancied a boy.

W I C

“saucy turtles make terrible bathmats, charley” okay okay jeez

ornshaws accent is everything

The Gang sneaking through the fence what will they do

uh oh danny

AWH YOURE BARMY

thats def gonna explode later

ornshaw gets kicked off the bus

but now hes on it

ornshaw and danny have such a wholesome friendship too bad melody ruins it oh wait

you’ve heared of ornshaw gets kicked off the bus now get ready for... ornshaw gets kicked out of the strip club!

you cant get a taxi!!! watch me hoe

where did ornshaw get the chewing gum from wtf

“shes always talking about people like you...” OH OKAY DANNYS MUM IS CLASSIST

“he could do with a heart attack!” WOAH OKAY

time skip to school

oh no danny’s seen melody

“we have three admirers of the dance!” ah shit

ah so maureen is the girl in green

why is ornshaw just standing there

FREE YOURSELVES

the girl gang is hilarious i love them

Muriel Kisses A Tombstone

uh oh dannys been found out

“HES A COWARD CMON”

ornshaw just yeeted his cat

i hate dannys mother sm

assembly time, an iconic part of british comprehensive school, since covid, i cant say i miss it

danny and melody !!

DANNY PLAYS CELLO THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO

melody and her friend are there because plot

melody sweetie baby i love you but you cant play the recorder

THEYRE PLAYING IN HARMONY DKDJSKDJSJKK 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

this is cute as fuck

melody is babey

oh explosives time??

i just dubbed these kids ornshaw and the pyrotechnics crew and it fits

dannys parents are annoying

i quite literally hate them

DANNY SPILT HIS COKE ITS SUCH A SIN

“neviw”

melody girl are you okay

melody are you lying about getting raped

oh time skip to school

we’ve hardly seen ornshaws home life so when will we properly meet him??

god i fucking love ornshaw its mad

oh this is an iconic scene if there ever was one

“go on tom dance with her” oh the ONE TIME ornshaw is called by his first name

youre mad !!

“girls are a load of snotty nose little so and sos” ornshaw aro king

is ornshaw.. scared of women

whatddya mean i dont dance very well!?

is it bad i lowkey crackship peggy and ornshaw now

YOU DANCE STUPID!

no one:

ornshaw: kicks peggy in the shin because he cant dance

“you big fat fool” yikes

danny u ok

ALL ORNSHAW AND HIS MATES DO IS CREATE EXPLOSIVES DJDKJSKt

oh it worked for once

i feel so fucking sorry for melody wtf

bb 🥺

im at the bit where melody is crying while putting on her mothers makeup 

SWEETIE ITS OKAY 

OH TIME SKIP TO SPORTS DAY! 

this film is so fast were already an hour in!

ornshaw giving actually solid life advice?? are you sure this is the same movie

“you youre gonna be bloody useless!”

i literally love ornshaw so much 

FUCK DANNYS MUM

GO ON DANNY 

YES MY BOY

time skip to school 3982903843290

wtf is a young latin scholars book

lahtimah

not ass latimer, arse

i hate the latin teacher

ornshaw every second: right uh erm um uh so yes sir oh uh mhm

*ornshaw and danny shoving pillows up their underwear*

“dont worry about it!!” dude hes getting spanked by the latin teacher ofc hes gonna worry about it

ornshaw and latimah

“vacate your mouth”

“because its a silly out of date language sir!!!” hes not wrong

uh oh 

what will slapping ornshaw’s ass with a dap even gonna do???

oh hi melody forgot about you

AWH DANNY SWEETHEART

“cmon danny dont let her see you cry!” i want a friend like ornshaw man

melody is just STANDING THERE LIKE GIRL LEAVE

“you can buzz off now love, tara, tooduhloo” have i said i love ornshaw? because i love ornshaw

danny dont abandon ornshaw !!

oh this is sad

danny? danny?? danny!!!??? DANNY!!?? 🥺🥺🥺

ORNSHAW RIGHTS MAN

ive felt sorry for literally all three of these kids now

ah fuck now ornshaws having a mental breakdown in the school halls

danny and melody’s relationship is so innocent and wholesome 

this is literally so bittersweet, like we’re seeing danny and melody being all cute and happy but we know that back in school ornshaw is literally having a breakdown over them

im tearing up over a movie about schoolchildren in puppy love

“will you love me that long?” “of course! ive loved you a whole week already!”

“hes come to tea! his name is daniel!” melody hes not your pet

melodys dad seems so cool why was he arrested

donald????

i genuinely love melody’s dad 

melody dramatically eats toast

time skip to school AGAIN

OH GOD I’M ACTUALLY CRYING

melody and danny are out on a date having fun and its the same song playing as the scene earlier on when danny and ornshaw went off somewhere at the start of the movie, melody has quite literally replaced ornshaw

i have real tears rn 

they skipped school to go to weymouth

danny and melody are literally adorable man

“shall we get married?” arent yall like 12????

oh back to school they got in trouble for skipping

apparently the poor cast got spanked for real and like yikes

we want to get married :D

ITS NOT MENT TO BE FUNNY!!

leave danny alone!

leave melody alone!

ornshaw please stop

ornshaw stop taunting him this is gonna end shittily

OH SHIT 

THEYRE STRAIGHT UP FIGHTING 

ORNSHAW AND DANNY ARE MF WRESTLING EACHOTHER TO THE GROUND

okay now ornshaw is literally beating him up okay

danny this is your fault for ditching him for melody sorry

top ten best anime fight scenes

latin man is back because plot

DID ORNSHAW GIVE HIM A BLOODY NOSE

i’m sorry danny 😭😭

ORNSHAW. DESERVES. THE. FUCKING. WORLD. AND. MORE.

let melody and danny get married!

wait so if 20 is twice as old as her then shes.. ten?? i think

melody ily

“all i want to do is be happy” BABY

OH FUCK YOU MRS LATIMER

oooh

THEYRE GOING TO GET MARRIED BY THE RAILWAY 

ornshaws unnamed friend is the true hero of this movie

is this the movie climax???

run! ornshaws unnamed friend! run!

IM SORRY THE’RE LITERALLLY GETTING MARRIED I’M 😭

“we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony.. shaddup”

ITS NOT FUNNY ITS SERIOUS

IS ORNSHAW STRAIGHT UP MARRYING THESE TWO IS HE THEIR VICAR

HE IS AS WELL

“DICKS IS COMING!!!” as soon as they were getting the rings

RUN !!!!

ornshaw just threw the bible at his re teacher from the re scene at the start i love him

DANNYS MUM HAD IT COMING

name a more iconic trio than melody perkins, danny latimer, and tom ornshaw, i’ll wait

GO PEGGY!

ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND IS GONNA FINALLY GET HIS BOMB WORKING!

YES

GO ORNSHAWS UNNAMED FRIEND

“i’ll get you ornshaw!” dude how is this his fault its yours for unterupting the wedding latin man

again ouf is the true movie hero

wait latin man is dicks??? whos wannabe remus lupin then????

this just in: ouf is actually named stacey

oh god thats actually such a bittersweet ending

melody and danny trolleying off into the sunset

im actually crying like a baby rn

god that was such a good movie

[mollies-mad-moments]

Update 07/01/2021

Hello lovely followers. Thought it was about time I gave you guys an update. Up until now I haven’t really had the energy or motivation or concentration.

So. It started on Boxing Day. I was shivery and hot and cold and felt like I had a heavy cold. That night I hardly slept and just coughed the whole night away, used my blue reliever inhaler so frequently that I had palpitations. I contemplated waking my carer but I thought I’d wait til a reasonable time. 7am came and my baby woke up. I got him ready for the day, after which I had no energy left and could hardly breathe. My temperature was very high at 39•C. The carer called 111 and they dispatched an ambulance. The paramedics were absolutely lovely to me. They inserted a cannula and gave me IV fluids, along with oxygen because my sats were low at 93%. They said not to pack too much to take with me, mainly because of the corona virus but also they said I might be able to go home with antibiotics and steroids. So I grabbed my handbag and off I went. I deteriorated on the way to hospital so when we got to A&E I was rushed straight into resus. They put me on high-flow oxygen and used my phone to ring my carer and my Mum (my next of kin), to say that I was being moved to Intensive Care and that I might have to be intubated as my body was fighting so hard to breathe; sats at 87% on oxygen. Thankfully, my COVID test came back by the time I got to ICU as negative but I was still very poorly. They took several arterial blood gases, then inserted an arterial line. I was given IV antibiotics, steroids, carbocisteine, magnesium, potassium, paracetamol and fluids. I had a catheter inserted and had an NG tube to feed me temporarily as I was too weak to even eat.

I lost track of time in ICU, it’s a very strange place. The lights are always on, all day and all night, and each patient is on constant 1:1 with a nurse, with very close physical observations, hooked up to all sorts of monitoring.

Eventually I was out of the woods and moved to a High Dependency bed on the respiratory ward. The nurses there were amazing. By this point I was struggling mentally as well as physically. Although I had still been having all my regular psychiatric medications, the admission was taking its toll, I felt paranoid and agitated and I was given PRN diazepam several times to help with this.

NG tube remived, I was eating normally but the antibiotics gave me terrible diarrhoea. I had to use the bedpan, and had to be cleaned up by a nurse, which was a humiliating experience, but the nurses were so kind about it all.

Thankfully I was only in HDU for 48 hours, then moved to a normal bed. And that is where I am now.

I am now completely off oxygen and my sats are stable at around 95%, and only drop to around 93% upon exertion. My catheter was removed, sadly I have a bladder infection now but I’m being treated with MORE antibiotics for that. Also, as usual for me on antibiotics, I’ve developed thrush (TMI sorry!). I’ve also put on over a stone of weight since being here, courtesy of high dose steroids making me ravenous at all times. Today, with the help of the physiotherapists, I’ve managed to get out of bed and into the chair, and have used the commode to empty my bowels and pass urine.

I’ve been having daily visits from the hospital’s Psychiatric Liaison Team, which has been really helpful. I know most of them already because they used to work on one of the psych wards I spent a long time in as an inpatient. They’ve quite literally kept me sane, and gave me the time and space to talk through all of my many worries and keep me company since nobody is allowed visitors.

I have missed my little boy terribly, but once I was well enough I was able to talk with him on FaceTime before his bedtime every night. I held it together every time I was speaking to him but afterwards i always cry. It’s so hard.

The plan now is to continue with antibiotics and steroids, keep seeing physio to strengthen my body again, and hopefully I’ll be home in 2-3 days!!

Thank you to everyone who has read this far, sorry if I’ve bored you.

Stay safe, stay golden, you’re all amazing x

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[gut-her-girl]

the story so far (tw!!)

first non reblog post <3 feels weird not just lurking but refreshing to have a safe space to share things even if its just going into the void. 

(im 21 and 5′8″ for reference)

i n t r o d u c t i o n 

i cant remember not having a shitty relationship with food and my body, but id say it got bad around 16 (depression, family trauma, shit hit the fan & all that) it started out as strictly bingeing as a coping mechanism, im talking whole frozen pizzas daily, a family sized bag of chips in one sitting, a 12 pack of soda a week, i could go on... like i said shit was bad. gained a ton of weight that year, pulled myself out of that depressive hole and some how lost the extreme bingeing weight but i saw photos of myself from that year and thats when the hatred for my body started. things leveled out weight wise for awhile, ate like shit and binged but i think my metabolism was crazy fast in highschool so i was always average or on the thin side, just tried my best to avoid being naked in front of mirrors, going to the beach, out of sight out of mind. then senior year i got into a relationship (relationship weight is real folks!!) gained a ton of weight due to that... tried to diet, exercise, worked for awhile, failed, binged, repeat, got fat again. 

c o l l e g e  p t 1

the summer after graduation i broke up with my boyfriend and left for college where all i did was sleep, party, and juul. when i left for school i was around 150-145... go to the doctor a few months into school all of the sudden im 120 lbs and id say this is when my intentional restriction started. when i was skinny i got so much positive attention, male validation, female validation, everyone thought i was pretty and i had never been the pretty girl. when id come home for break my family would mention how much weight id lost and i started to live for that shit. continued my diet of vodka and nicotine through sophomore year of college. that year i moved in with a girl who struggled with disordered eating and without knowing she taught me everything i needed to know. she was constantly talking calories, obsessive workouts, had my absolute dream body but called herself fat every chance she got, learned about intermittent fasting, diet coke, rice cakes, gum... basically got an ed starter pack without even knowing lmao. 

c o l l e g e  p t 2

sophmore year i maintained around 120 (even hit 119 at one point <3) going into the covid lockdown the summer after sophomore year i was dirt poor... like shop lifting food just to eat poor. id say i ate strictly plain oatmeal for around 3 months, with the occasional jar of peanut butter here and there and i didnt have a car so i walked everywhere, like at least 2 hrs daily. we didnt have a scale in the house but i was visibly losing weight and i finally started to appreciate parts of me that id always hated... my hips dips, my legs, my smaller chest. i still felt fat most of the time but those fleeting moments were so nice. i remember coming home to meet my niece and nephew and my sister told me she was worried about my weight loss and asked me if i had an eating disorder, when she said those things it made me proud even though i knew it was wrong. i also remember some friends came to town that summer and they tried to be kind and buy me food when we went out to eat and i didnt know how to say no so i accepted, but eating and having a full stomach after being hungry for so long made me feel disgusting. after i got home i was sitting there full and nauseous and i decided to purge for the first time. my thought process was, i pull trig when im drunk and it makes me feel better so it seemed logical, and so thats what i did whenever i felt full the next few months. things really went down hill for me mentally that summer, i was so alone, i started self harming again, and being so small was one of the few things that made me happy.

g o i n g  h o m e

fast foward to october of 2020 and i decide to move home to save money. my body mustve been in starvation mode after months of restriction and daily exercise because i swear to god my body has hung on to every fucking calorie since i got home and had more access to food. i hardly left the house for a few months so i only wore sweats and baggy shirts, i knew id gained some weight but i was trying not to think about it and to listen to my sister who was constantly preaching fuel your body, self love, etc. one day i go to put on my favorite pair of jeans and they dont fit. i mean not even fucking close. i dont know how it happened or how id completely lost control of my everything but id catapulted back up to pre college weight and it broke me. i was consumed with self hatred, i had constant breakdowns and went right back to avoiding the mirror, never getting dressed, no fucking way was i gonna get on a scale because then it would make it real that the weight was back and all my hardwork was gone. its like i lost my identity, everything that had made me pretty. so i tried to do it the “right way” started working out, making sure i was in a small calorie deficit and finally worked up the courage to get on the scale only to have it say 146... pre college weight... even after all the work id been putting in. i tried to continue that way and just ignore the problem but my friends are so skinny and so beautiful and i just want to be excited to take pictures with them again, i just want to be me again. 

n o w 

soooo now im back to restricting and fasting and lots of walking (trying to avoid bingeing and purging at all costs) and ive been seeing some visible changes but i hadnt weighed myself until today and im down to 134, seeing progress made me so fucking happy. im going to get back to my happy pretty self and i feel so safe here even though so far all ive done is read what everyone else has to say. ive never shared my struggles with anyone and now i have an outlet, its comforting to see people my age here and it just feels nice to not feel crazy and alone. 

[princechris]

Ramblings

I’m so tired. I’m so dependant. I’m so so sick. I’m too tired to help myself. Over eating. Too tired to exercise. I’m too tired for this. Too tired to sleep. Too many friends that don’t care. I have 1 person who really cares abut me, and I’m just so dependant on her. I fear that ill scare her away. I’m so so scared. Nothing working. Can’t i just be like everyone else? Happy and surrounded by love? They always have things to do, their skinny, their healthy. It doesn’t hurt to move their joints. Their wrists and thighs don’t sting in the shower. I want to be like them. I just want to get better, and i really thought i was; i thought i was getting better. I fought so hard, and I’ve worn myself out. I’m too tired to get myself out of here. I really had a plan to commit suicide. I was going to do it. The plan was supposed to go through in 2020. I had tickets to go see My Chemical Romance live. I was so exited. But i was still in that black foggy breathless mindset. After the concert, after we arrived home, i was too wait until my parents and sister where happily sleeping, and i was to take all the pills in the house. I’d run the bath full of hot water and slit my wrists. I’d sit there and wait. I’d feel everything then nothing. But since fucking COVID started, it has been postponed: I decided not to do it. Yes, my life was depending on seeing Gerard Way in real life. I’m THAT pathetic. Yes i was literally hanging onto life from seeing a band live, but maybe i could find something? But thats not happening. Im an empty mess. Im crying and shaking as i type this out. Thinking as i almost got back up. Thinking about how i was almost human, but again, i gave up. I thought i was okay, but im not. Im crying and i can hardly see. Im typing out this goodbye letter and just praying that nobody sees this. Saying good-bye to the internet is one of the most pathetic things ive ever done, and you agree. Im saying good bye to no body. But i just thought, If ANYBODY is wondering when im going, ill see you all in hell. Good Bye, 

From Christian Lavande, Property of Mikey Greyuth.

[airventsandductape]

i hate my life and i want to die

I feel like every decision i’ve made in my life past the year 2013 has been a massive mistake and i want to go back and change everything.  I don’t want to be here, i feel like this is all a big mistake, I’m having so much trouble accepting the current situation I’m in. 

 Moving away from home, and my family because my ldr boyfriend was threatening to kill himself if i didn’t move in with him. I love him, i do but i dont want to be here and most days i dont want to live with him. he’s more like living with a friend or brother than a boyfriend.  We dont have sex, all we do is argue and fight. the thought of cheating has crossed my mind and i feel like an awful awful person because of it. But i want to has sex just once in my life and he refuses to touch me, he says ‘its too much work’ he thinks he might be a sexual but he wont talk to a therapist about it just to make sure he is or if its sexual aversion disorder, he thinks I’m being intolerant or something simply by suggesting. Before we moved in he promised all these things like how he was gonna fuck me so hard cause there would be no one around finally then we got a dog so he had another reason not to and now he’s suddenly ace. Ace people date people with sex drives all the time and they typically make compromises, my boyfriend doesn’t. He never has.. “its too much work” “i don’t enjoy it” I understand, but if you want me to be happy you have to make a compromise too because i’ve been compromising for 5 months.  I hardly ever get horny, typically sex and even masturbation gives me little ptsd attacks, so its not the sexual satisfaction I’m upset about. its that he wont even touch me or look at me the way he used to, he used to be so into it, so into me he used to put so much effort in the sexual part of our relationship even when we didn’t have sex. And now hes going and telling me he hated all of it.  That’s what was keeping me going. if we’re not gonna have sex, which im FINE WITH you still have to put effort in there cause sex is more than sex. but no, I’m selfish, apparently.

 I didn’t even want to move in with him. I wanted to stay back in Massachusetts. now I’m stuck in AZ. I honestly think i was happier living with my parents. Then again i don’t remember the last time i was happy.  I end up working most of the day, just to block out the situation i got myself stuck in. an unhappy relationship, all arguing all the time. 

its funny cause everyone thinks we have this perfect relationship, my best friend says were so cute together, its part of the reason ive stayed with him so long is because of other peoples perception on us and i would probably lose my best friend if i ever broke up with him. Ever since i’ve moved here i’ve been having these awful AWFUL moodswings and at first i thought, ‘it seems like pmdd’ cause they’re close to my period’ but now i just feel like I’m going fucking crazy, i haven’t been able to get a therapist for anything and my mental state has been declining yesterday he threatened to leave me, and didn’t wanna take his mask with him. i was from neutral calm to bawling my eyes out. I find myself disassociating most days simply cause i don’t want to be here anymore and i have trouble comprehending the situation I’m in.

I keep looking back on the pastlike the good old dys wishing i could reverse time and start over It wasnt supposed to happen like this, I get my first apartment and its because he’s threatening to kill himself. the bathroom was leaking sewage for a month the bathtub was clogged for 2 weeks  there’s only one room in this studio so we’re with eachother 24/7  unless i hang out in the closet I never wanted to move to arizona  and i wish i never did, right now its a hotbed for covid, oh boy do i wish i never moved Covid happened 

EDIT Just got a call from my mom My grandfather just died awesome

[vsplusonline]

Luxury and the corona ‘crisis’

New Post has been published on https://apzweb.com/luxury-and-the-corona-crisis/

Luxury and the corona ‘crisis’

There is a crisis looming in the luxury market, what with Italy’s coronavirus lockdown, disruptions in the luxury calendar and travel restrictions. But are the uber-rich affected, just like everyone else? They have their private planes, concierge services and access to the best medical experts, after all. Here’s what luxury connoisseur, Swapan Seth, who runs the design and brand consulting film, THIS CONTENT, has to say:

How is luxury in India vulnerable to coronavirus?

It has devastated them. Luxury was all about the highest common factor. Diseases such as coronavirus are about the lowest common denominator. It makes someone living in Amrita Shergill Marg as susceptible as someone living in Ayanagar (to give you a Delhi-NCR context). Plus those travelling by First Class are landing in the same goddamn terminal as those travelling cattle. And Italy is locked down. How does one celebrate one’s 53rd birthday in Puglia? Weddings at Lake Como are out. I mean, they have declared an emergency in New York! It seems as if the planet has been nuked by Kim Jong-un.

How do the one-percenters in India deal with the Covid-19 outbreak differently from their counterparts in the West and China?

The frustration is uniform. The Airinum, the five-filtration mask, is out of stock for both Indians and Americans. Of course, those in the West and China have far greater access to things like private jets. I mean, you can now escape to The Hamptons from NYC in a chopper, but you still need to take a flight to Goa or a ferry to Alibaug. How jackie-tacky is that.

With the cancellation (or virtual alternative) of many of the watch, auto, art and other big shows and summits, how must luxury retail reinvent?

Art Basel Hong Kong has got cancelled. Art Dubai has got postponed. The Geneva Auto Show, Milan Furniture Fair and The Singapore Yacht Show have been called off. There are rumours that Cannes, The Euros and The Olympics may also go under. In which case where will ladies flash their Princie diamonds. I mean, what happens to all the money made by ringing the opening bell at NASDAQ? It all seems so futile. And unfair.

Could you draw a parallel to any other emergency like Covid-19?

Let us put it this way. According to The New York Times, Baselworld was founded in 1917 during World War I. And ever since, it has never been closed. So, you go figure. Clearly there has never been such a social drought before. Or a calamity of such social cruelty.

The big fat Indian wedding. What is to become of it?

It gets ‘ketoed’. Seriously, there are rumours of a family having commissioned Dior to create hand sanitisers as a gift with the wedding cards. There is also a big buzz about Sabyasachi being approached to create a designer face mask. One wedding planner is in active conversation with Boeing to lease Dreamliners for mid-air weddings. Given that Antarctica is as warm as London, wedding planners are planning penguin parties. But then cruise ships are hardly encouraging anymore, so getting there will be a bit of a challenge. I suppose weddings will go back to being held at the local park with Chawla Caterers and coffee served from those antique espresso machines which doled out sickly-sweet coffee with chocolate powder sprinkled on it.

What constitutes germ-free hideaways for rich Indians?

Crowds need to be avoided. So London is out. I mean, what is the point in going to London if you can’t bump into your neighbour at Harrods or your lawyer at The Audley. I guess Kasauli will become the new Kensington and Alibaug the new Antibes. And instead of spending money in Milan and their wealth in Waikiki, I suppose the ultra-rich will need to learn how to spend time on other strange things like the family, books, music.

Does it help to have a private pilot license now (several businessmen have been getting them over the last few years)?

Those who can afford yachts and planes already have them. Bollywood stars and politicians will have no issues. They can borrow those yachts and planes free of cost in any case. But really, what is the point of putting down a million on a yacht or plane when the entire world is quarantined. I think they have to wait it out until Elon Musk can get us all to the moon by 2023.

Could you comment on concierge services that will be activated with this outbreak?

According to The New York Times, there is a healthcare brand in the US called Sollis. It has built an isolation room for a client. It comes with ‘‘a ventilation system equipped with a negative pressure system to restrict the circulation of pathogens’’. It is basically an isolated guest wing consisting of a bedroom and kitchen stocked with IV hydration, medicines, lab supplies, gloves, gowns, masks, oxygen, food, and a set of dishes and linen. I have half a mind to ask my concierge service to arrange for a thermal screening at home.

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