#iyami zansu

[relatableanimethings]

Iyami being a terrorist and justifying murder👍

[lordofthesillystraws]

more wb stuff ig idk im too busy being gay to post (lol)

[ciicadidae]

hes so talented

[crtter]

Seen some people say Iyami’s daughter has a canon name and I’m sad to inform that… that’s not the case. She does not have one. The name that’s being thrown around is like, just a name one fanartist decided to give to their interpretation of her. Iyami introduces her as “my daughter” at this bit of one of the two stories she shows up in and that’s it:

[eponymousfics]

A deleted scene from chapter 26 of the silence purrs (mild spoilers):

“Oya? Is that Todomatsu-zansu?!” said an unfamiliar voice, as a man with enormous teeth did a double take walking past your table.

You tried, for politeness’s sake, to notice other details about him, but your eyes kept returning to the jutting overbite as if hypnotized by the glint of light off their surface. He was an older man in a purplish clothes, but that was all you were able to force yourself to take in.

Ichimatsu looked panicked, which, while not unusual, did seem to be a different level of panic than usual.

“No, you’re mistaken,” he said, reverting to formal speech.

“Osomatsu-zansu?”

“No.”

“Surely not Choromatsu-zansu?!”

“No, I don’t believe we’re acquainted, please leave,” Ichimatsu said, hunching down into his seat and resolutely not looking at the man. You were still too surprised to speak.

“Oh come on, don’t be so cold just because I can’t remember your name, Jyushimatsu right-zansu?”

“No. Isn’t that the most obviously wrong one?” he muttered.

“Then you must be Karamatsu-zansu!” the man said triumphantly, pointing at Ichimatsu, who’s scowl deepened.

“Tch, I’ll kill you, is that what you want, old man?”

“Ichimatsu,” you said, finally finding your voice. “Um, who is this?”

Ichimatsu looked more panicked than ever, frantically shaking his head.

“No one, he’s no one, just some homeless guy who lives near me—“

“Just some homeless guy-zansu!? That’s cold, even from a sextuplet-zansu!!” the man cried, before clearing his throat and turning to you. “My name is Iyami-zansu, let me know right away if you need someone to rescue you from this good for nothing NEET-cho!”

“I think I need rescuing from this plot device,” you said dryly. “What purpose are you going to serve? Surprise me with another aspect of Ichimatsu’s life I don’t know about? But you don’t fit, you’re TOO cartoonish for the tone I’ve set in this fic. I’m afraid I’m going to have to nix this cameo after all and go with Totoko.”

Ichimatsu stared at you. "Are you sure it’s ok to get so meta?”

“Since this scene isn’t going in the main story anyway…yes.”

END

And that’s why the Christmas couple got to cameo instead

[eugenesash]

iyami and osomatsu because they're stupid and i love them (THIS IS NOT A SHIP!!!!)

3-4 pics translation:

osomatsu: AHAGAHAHAH IYAMI LOOK I'M BALANCING A BEER ON MY HEAD

iyami: good thing he has grown up and wanting to hit him on the head doesn't count as a child abuse anymore, zansu

[doppelmatsu]

Chapter 1 : Project Rendezvous with Stardom

Written by @lordofthesillystraws and @tottymatsuuu. Header by @ilovematsunos and @shroomblade

It was a dreary day, the sky was clouded and the rainfall was heavy. It was no day to be caught outside, but for a certain washed-up, self-proclaimed Frenchman, there was no other option.

“...Me was supposed to win, it was my idea! Those lousy sextuplets…”

There, under a bridge, with nothing but a cardboard box to call home, was Iyami. He stewed over his latest failure as he attempted to start a fire. The sparks caught on his pathetic pile of twigs, but were extinguished by a wet newspaper. Iyami muttered something under his breath as he tossed the paper aside; it seemed the world was against him today.

“If it weren’t for those damn sextuplets, me wouldn’t be here at all… If only me could start over…”

Iyami’s thoughts cut him off. Start over… He could start over. With new sextuplets, ones that would be just uninteresting enough to let him be the star. It wasn’t the worst idea he’d had, far from it.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

“...What terrible weather, dasu…”

Dekapan peers out the window at the pouring rain. He turns to Dayon.

“...You didn’t leave my clothes out on the line, did you?”

“Dayon!”

Dekapan sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“...Of course you did.”

The door burst open suddenly, wind and rain blowing into the laboratory. Dekapan jumps off to the side, hiding behind Dayon.

“Gentlemen!” Iyami announces his presence, straightening his stance as he stands in the doorway. “Me has a proposition, zansu.”

He steps into the laboratory with long strides, stopping in the middle of the entryway. Dekapan peeks out from behind Dayon with a ‘hoe’.

“Propo…sition, dasu?”

Iyami clasps his hands together as the doors shutter closed behind him.

  “Yes, a proposition. And me needs your help with it, zansu.”

Iyami points at Dekapan. Dayon moves out of the way, grabbing a mop to clean up the entryway. 

“Me has a plan to become the main character again, zansu,” Iyami puts his hand to his chest. “To shine in the spotlight just as I used to! Me needs you to make duplicates of those sextuplets, zansu. They will be my supporting cast, like they should have been.”

Dekapan looks at Iyami, confused.

“Clone the sextuplets, dasu?”

“Exactly that, zansu! Clone the sextuplets!”

Dekapan sighs.

“I can’t exactly ‘clone the sextuplets’, dasu. Is this because of the race?”

“Who cares what the reason is, zansu!” Iyami interrupted. “Me needs myself my own set of sextuplets to be my entourage!”

He gets on his knees and begins to grovel at Dekapan’s feet.

“Please, Dr. Dekapan!” Iyami cried. “Me just needs to be in the spotlight again, zansu! Anything to be the main character again!”

Dekapan stares down at the crying Iyami, sighing in reluctance.

“There is one way, dasu.”

Iyami immediately lifts his head up, nose runny and eyes welled with tears.

“Really, zansu?”

Dekapan nods, a solemn look on his face. Iyami sprung up from where he was kneeling.

“What is it? What is it?!”

Iyami grabbed Dekapan’s shoulders, shaking him a bit. Dekapan kept his solemn expression as he led Iyami to the door.

“It’s not an easy process… You really want to know?”

“Yes! Yes! Me wants to know, zansu!”

Dekapan opens the door for Iyami, then suddenly pushes him out.

“Come back tomorrow. The weather is awful today.”

The door slams shut. Iyami blinks, dumbfounded. After what just happened registers, he shouts, jumping up into the air.

“Sheeeeeh!! You can’t do this to me! At least let me stay, zansu!”

There is no answer from inside the lab. Iyami sighs, defeated.

“How cruel… The weather really is awful…”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The sun soon rises, starting another day in Akatsuka Ward. Dekapan wakes up bright and early, turning on the lights of his laboratory. Opening up the door to get in some fresh air, Dekapan looks down and finds a beaten-up Iyami curled up on the doorstep, fast asleep. In Iyami’s hand is a plastic bag. Picking up the bag and looking inside, Dekapan sees an assortment of random objects. A beer can, a grimy leather jacket, some cotton rounds…  These are all holders of DNA samples. Seems like Iyami really is that desperate to get back at the sextuplets. He sighs and gives Iyami a kick, startling him awake. 

“Sheeh!” Iyami exclaimed, “Who awakes me, zansu?”

Iyami looks around hastily before stopping at the doctor before him. He straightens himself up.

“Dr. Dekapan! Good morning, zansu!”

Dekapan responds with an exasperated ‘hoeh’, inviting Iyami inside once again, albeit reluctantly. He looks inside the bag again.

“I see you’ve brought some DNA samples, dasu.”

“Of course, zansu! Me figured that you would need it for cloning!”

Dekapan sets the bag down on the counter.

“That’s great, but it’s not enough, dasu.”

Iyami tilts his head, confused. Dekapan starts taking out the objects from the bag one by one.

“Such small DNA samples aren’t enough to make a full clone of a human, dasu… We’re going to need more.”

Iyami scoffs, crossing his arms.

“Tch! Like me’d be bothered to go back and steal some random garbage from those lousy sextuplets… Me already went once, me won’t go again, zansu!”

“...If you don’t want to search for more samples of the sextuplets, there is another way, dasu.”

“Sheeh?” 

Iyami tilts his head curiously.

“We can use something else, a cat, for example, to ‘fill in the blanks,’ dasu. We’ll use their DNA to make up for-”

Before Dekapan can finish, Iyami zooms out of the lab. Dekapan watches the trail of dust that was kicked up, exasperated.

“He really is that desperate, isn’t he?”

“Dayon!”

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Iyami found himself surveying alleyways, front yards, anywhere he could find cats. He wasn’t… really all that sure what places stray cats usually inhabited, but apparently his whims were right on the money. Of course, being the aesthete he is, he had to find the perfect cats for his plan, ones that acted very similar to the sextuplets. As he walks past one of the alleyways, he comes across a particularly fat cat laying on the ground. A lazy cat, laying around doing nothing… Seems like a perfect candidate for an Osomatsu clone! Iyami spots a nearby garbage dump and rummages through it, finding a can of thrown out tuna and a bowl. Perfect! He opens the can to pour its contents into the bowl and tosses it to the lazy cat. The cat notices the bowl, slowly crawling over to chow down. As the cat gorges on the tuna, Iyami swipes the cat up in a garbage bag. It fights against the bag for a bit before eventually calming down and relaxing in the bag.

“Uhyohyo!” Iyami laughed. “This is a piece of cake, zansu! One cat down, five left to go!”

He walks off to survey more alleyways with the cat in the bag. The rest of the day follows the same process. Find a cat similar enough to one of the Matsunos, distract it, snatch it, and repeat until he had a total of six. Two of them did put up a bit of a fight, but Iyami was determined (and also weirdly used to cats attacking him.) Nonetheless, it seems like he’s wrangled up enough cats for Dekapan to use! Iyami makes the trek back to Dekapan’s laboratory, carrying his bounty of cats with a rather prideful smile.

“This plan is going to work, zansu! Once we make these good-for-nothing clones, I’ll finally be able to get back at those lousy sextuplets for stealing my spotlight!”

Iyami proudly knocks on Dekapan’s front door, getting an answer shortly after. Dekapan stands before him, surprised at Iyami’s dedication to this project.

“Hoeh! That was quick.”

“Uhyo~! Never underestimate me, zansu!” Iyami replies triumphantly, putting a hand to his hip and flashing a bright smile.

“Never said I did…”

Dekapan lets Iyami into the laboratory, shutting the door behind him.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Dayon and Dekapan make some preparations for the cloning operation. Dayon wipes away at the dusty exterior of a strange machine whilst Dekapan gets the cats some food, distracting them as he takes small samples of their fur.

“We have decided to repurpose one of our old machines for this, dasu.”

Dekapan gathers the clumps of fur and places them next to the Matsunos’ DNA samples. Once Dayon finishes wiping down the machine, he notifies Dekapan with a ‘Dayoon!’ before stepping away to let Dekapan work. He swabs the beer can with a cotton swab and rubs it onto a petri dish, placing the sample of the fat cat’s fur next to it. He brings the petri dish to the machine, stopping shortly to speak to Iyami.

“This machine will clone the Matsunos as best as it can, dasu. Since there isn’t a lot of the Matsunos’ DNA, there may be some differences.”

“Eh, me doesn’t care, zansu!” Iyami waves his hand dismissively. “Just as long as me can get a set of sextuplets for my entourage!”

Dekapan shrugs with a ‘hoeh’ and places the petri dish into a compartment next to the machine. With a pull of the lever, the machine analyzes the DNA before slowly building up a human body from the bottom up. Once the body is completely built, an electric shock is administered to bring it to life before it’s pushed out onto the ground. What lays on the ground now is a… Particularly larger version of Osomatsu with facial hair and longer locks.

“Uhyohyohyo!” Iyami laughs, clapping with excitement as he watches the rather dazed clone stand up. “This one looks perfect to me, zansu!”

Dekapan stares at the specimen, a bit confused.

“Hoeh… Isn’t this one a bit big, dasu?”

“Me doesn’t care! Let’s move onto the next one!”

Dekapan slides in another petri dish, and the same process happens. This time, what comes out is a slimmer version of Karamatsu with shaggy hair.

“Hoeh… Now this one’s a bit thinner-”

“Uhyoo~!” Iyami interrupts, “Don’t stop now, zansu! Keep it going! Me must have all six of them immediately!”

With a sigh, Dekapan slides in the next dish. What comes out is a version of Choromatsu with thick eyebrows and a mangy haircut. Just as Dekapan is about to bring up another issue with this specimen, Iyami interrupts.

“Don’t sweat the small details, zansu! They all look the same to me! Three left to go!”

Dekapan follows up with the rest of the DNA, three more specimens being pushed out of the machine one by one. All six line up to the side, looking at each other and around the lab, naked and confused. Dekapan and Iyami both stare at the new sextuplets. After a moment, Dekapan sighs.

“...I told you, they weren’t going to be–”

Iyami suddenly interrupts, stepping forward and pushing Dekapan back.

“Nonsense! They’re perfect! Simply magnificent! And me can tell them apart, which is even more convenient, zansu!”

Iyami then strikes a pose, pointing at the sextuplets.

“Welcome to your new role, NEETs! You are to serve under me as a group of uninteresting side characters, understand, zansu?”

Before any of them can respond, he turns around.

“Finally, me will have the spotlight all to myself once more, zansu! The world will know my name and sing my praises! Uhyohyohyo~!!”

[pistachiorat2]

"Don bluth styled iyami zansu"

[thebardisabird]

Today I am thinking about sharing a coffee with Iyami. You see the guy around town enough and even though you're aware he has a questionable living situation, that doesn't bother you, it's always your treat anyway. He's suspicious of you the first time you offer, but you keep the conversation light and maintain a friendly disposition. Eventually you try to make it a weekly thing and slowly but surely you find that the conman has some endearing qualities. He pays attention to details, is resourceful, and can be pretty insightful when given the opportunity. As you take a sip of your drink, you catch Iyami eyeing you curiously. Your head tilts, "You alright? Is there something on my face?" Iyami simply stares before asking, "Why do you always want to get coffee with moi?" You shrug, "Why not? I like you, Iyami."

His eyes narrow with suspicion and at first you think you've said something wrong. But he quickly snatches up his espresso and takes a full sip, "Hmph! As you should, zansu. My presence is a present, after all." That sentiment makes you laugh as you bring your drink to your lips once more. You both exchange genuine smiles, each other's company adding an extra layer of warmth to your drinks.

[tottymatsuno]

The sextuplets react to you getting a new job:

Osomatsu: yaayy, I was just about to call and ask for beer money. I'll pay you back in dick too!

Karamatsu: heh, I knew that lady luck would shine upon you once more! Now, let's celebrate these good tidings extravagantly, prepare your body for my Karamatsu summer of love! But first, I need to get ready, I will go home and put on my finest silks! My mommy and daddy will let you into our abode, wait for me, my Karamatsu kumquat, and get cash out.

Choromatsu: Ah, thank goodness. That's a relief. I'm glad you took my advice when I told you to get another one.

Ichimatsu: Alright, that sounds good but you're still gonna be home during the day, right? I need someone to stop me from eating toilet paper.

Jyushimatsu: y/n-chan they're going to take my kidneys if I can't sell these pictures of monkeys on the block chain get another one

Todomatsu: Oh, so can I quit mine then? I hate working at McDonald's because they keep making me twerk with Grimace for his birthday :(

Bonus:

Iyami: Uhyouhohoho, now me's can go legitimate, zansu! I won't have to cut out Jyushimatsu's kidneys anymore, me can go back to an honest living, zansu! Change a new leaf!

Chibitas: Wooow, amazing, I can't believe an idijit like you got a new job! Where are you working? Yeah? Do you think people would eat oden for lunch there? Can you take out this business loan in your name for me? Wooow!

Totoko: Oh, that's wonderful news, y/n-chan! I thought I said to go home.

[osopine]

Ebic prank: Pour out a matsu ant farm into Iyami's bed sheets

au where i (a real ososan character) ask iyami to take care of my shitty ant farm & he says yes but then they escape & he tries to find them all but they all bite him & he's allergic zansu

[montyjohnnyart]

Iyami train

[wigglewormple]

Iyami in the osomatsu manga be like

[ciicadidae]

status update

[crtter]

Oh! Did you know! Iyami’s zansu originated as a form of speech associated with women! More specifically, an archaic, shortened form of de gozaimasu, associated with the madams of old-timey high class adult entertainment businesses. This, like most of Iyami’s speech quirks, comes directly from Tony Tani, one of the comedians Akatsuka took inspiration from when creating him. Tony Tani’s influence is VERY visible on Iyami, from his flamboyant stage persona, his tendency to sprinkle English words in his speech (he introduced himself as “number one handsome boy” in English, for example) to his signature pencil mustache! In fact, Iyami’s voice in the 80s adaptation of the Osomatsu-kun anime is a VERY spot on Tony Tani impression by Kaneta Kimotsuki! Just listen to one after the other:

[anikishittydraws]

I'm still on this!!! #26 a sensual Iyami!!!