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hyunbunlix · 1 year ago

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Penance [hitmen!HyunIn]

Characters: Hyunjin, Jeongin, Felix, older fem!OC, Changbin (mentioned), Bang Chan (mentioned), Lee Know (mentioned) Rating: A/O for Adults Only Content Warnings/Tags: murder, negotiation at gunpoint, threesome, switch (dom-leaning) Hyunjin, switch (sub-leaning) Jeongin, switch (dom-leaning) OC, cunnilingus, spit roasting, throat fucking (f. receiving), fingering (f. receiving), creampie, overstimulation, riding, power bottom Hyunjin, thorough aftercare Word Count: 10,179 Summary: To Hwang Hyunjin, separation from the people he cares about is a fate worse than death. After breaking Blackbox's and I.N's trust in him, Hyunjin would do anything to earn it back, including murdering an ex-girlfriend and handing over Felix. Note: This is part of a larger John Wick AU, which can be found here.

Other than a text from Jeong In telling him to fuck off, Hyun Jin had had no contact with him or Blackbox since they’d left Korea days ago. Blackbox’s phone was either off, dead, or she’d blocked him, because all his calls went right to voicemail. He kept a residence in Seoul for downtime, and right now, he was pacing it like a caged animal. Felix was in the guest room, attached to his heating pad like a surgical fixture. Hyun Jin didn’t feel right about letting Felix stay in his home after he’d tried to kill Blackbox not once but twice, but he couldn’t stand being completely alone, either. He and Felix had been close, once.

Hyun Jin’s phone buzzed once and he jumped, startled. He swiped it off the coffee table, seeing the first communication from Blackbox since she’d called him immediately after Felix’s second attempt at assassinating her. Despite Hyun Jin trying to both text and call her an arguably obsessive amount (it was not actually arguable), this was the first response he’d gotten, and it had nothing to do with anything that mattered.

Jessamine de Laire is on her way to NYC. I’ll route details if you want them.

He hit the call button, shaking with near rage.

“Yes?” She sounded exhausted, her voice quiet and low in her throat.

“Why the hell do you think I give a fuck about what Jessamine de Laire is doing right now when you haven’t spoken to me for four days immediately after an attempt on your life?” he demanded.

“I thought you would want to know,” she said, not rising to his challenge like she would have in the past. Felix hadn’t managed to kill her that night, but she was shaken. “She was there, the night you all freed Chang Bin. I didn’t have a chance to tell you then. I thought you would want to know.”

“I couldn’t give less of a fuck,” he said. “Why didn’t you answer any of my messages? I’m worried about you. Why are you ignoring that? Ignoring me?”

“I was catatonic most of these last two days. You were right. I’m not like you, or I.N. Turns out being nearly killed by the same man twice damaged my psyche. I didn’t answer you because I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. This is the first day I’ve been up,” she said. She didn’t sound sad, or tired, or upset. She sounded empty.

“I’m sorry,” he said instantly. “I was scared. I thought I had finally fucked up for good this time. I thought you were never going to speak to me again.”

She was quiet for a long moment, and Hyun Jin’s panic rose again.

“I’m about an hour away from NYC,” she said finally. “If you come and take care of Jessamine, I’ll let you see me. The night of the operation, she implied she wanted you back. It made me mad. You said she’s the only cheating ex you failed to kill. Rectify it.”

“Consider her dead,” Hyun Jin said, his voice steel. It would be the easiest kill he’d ever made.

“I’ll send the details,” she said. Then she finally faltered, emotion creeping into her voice, though Hyun Jin couldn’t quite identify what it was. “I . . . I’ll see you soon.”

She hung up. Hyun Jin shoved his phone into his pocket, and a second later it buzzed again. She must have had the details ready to go, awaiting his consent.

Hyun Jin went to the guest room, knocking but opening the door before receiving a verbal assent. This was his damn apartment, after all, and Felix was on thin fucking ice. Felix stirred, bleary eyes peering through messy blond bangs. Once they got to the States, it would be easier to secure him stronger painkillers. He was going to need them after what Hyun Jin required of him.

“Are you ready to atone?” Hyun Jin asked, arms folded as he leaned against the doorframe.

“I am,” Felix said, sitting up. He didn’t even bother to ask where they were going, what they were doing.

“Good. I need you to help me topple an empire and deliver it to Blackbox,” Hyun Jin said. Felix nodded, looking resigned.

“And after that,” Hyun Jin went on, “I’m going to deliver you.”

Felix sighed, his eyes straying from Hyun Jin, but through the haze of pain and defeat, there was no room for anger or betrayal. This was Felix’s own fault and he knew that.

Felix nodded again.

For someone who lived on the other side of the world, Hyun Jin had a pretty good idea of what was going on in New York City. Between running with Blackbox and Lee Know, Hyun Jin was well aware of how hotly contested the territory was. After the fall of the Tarasovs and the failure of the D’Antonios, the de Laire family had swooped in to take control of the region, giving them footholds in Western Europe, East Asia, and North America. Lee Know had been on the road to destabilizing the de Laire family as a whole, an attempt at taking Chang Bin back. Now that Chang Bin was once again a free man, Lee Know didn’t care about them as much.

Blackbox, on the other hand, wanted them expelled from New York, and Hyun Jin was going to see it through.

“You know your function, right?” Hyun Jin said to Felix as they closed in on Jessamine de Laire’s location, a high-rise office building like so many others in New York City. Felix still looked like shit, but he was moving all right. Hyun Jin planned to handle combat on his own, though Felix was still armed for his own safety.

“Yeah,” Felix said. “Take out the birds and steal everything that’s not nailed down.”

By that, of course, he meant taking down security and making a digital copy of everything he could find to give to Blackbox. Everything about the de Laire’s operations, illicit and otherwise, past executions, future plans, and most importantly, what the hell had happened to the patriarch. Everything right down to where Jessamine had buried her father would be in Blackbox’s possession before the week was out. A peace offering from Hyun Jin and Felix both.

“Perfect,” Hyun Jin muttered. It had been a long time since he and Felix last did field work together, but the roles still fit like well-worn gloves. There were few places Felix was unable to get into, and the de Laire headquarters was no exception. Most of what went on there was on the up and up; everyone needed a front of some kind—even Blackbox daylighted as an investment broker—and New York was the perfect place to invest resources into the transportation sector. Cars, planes, trains, even infrastructure—the de Laires had their fingers in all of it.

Once inside the building, they split up. Felix promptly disappeared while Hyun Jin went directly to the front desk.

“Good morning, how may I help you?” the administrator asked, in English of course. Hyun Jin would respond in kind.

“Is the matriarch in?” he asked, carefully enunciating the title that would let the administrator know which world he came from, and some idea of why he wanted to see the boss.

“She is,” the administrator said quickly, “but she’s booked out for the day. I can try to squeeze you in for tomorrow if it’s urgent.”

“I don’t think that’s going to work for me,” Hyun Jin said. “Tell her Hwang is here to see her. She’ll make the time. I’m happy to wait.”

The administrator’s eyes widened a little, recognizing Hyun Jin’s working name right away.

“I’ll let her know,” she said, a little tremor going through her voice. Hyun Jin smiled like he wasn’t about to commit a murder in the next few hours.

“Thank you so much,” he said, then went to take a seat and wait.

Sure enough, they sent someone to escort him to the CEO’s office within the hour. They didn’t even bother to search him first. This stupid bitch really thought he was here for her best-case scenario, after what she’d done.

That, or it was a trap. Hyun Jin was equally enthused by both options. Felix had no doubt made his way nearly to the top floor by now after skimming information throughout his ascension. Hyun Jin was silent on the elevator up.

When he entered the office, Jessamine rose from her desk, the wall of windows behind her showing the rest of the New York City skyline. She looked happy to see him. He smiled, an easy thing. God, he was so excited.

“Hwang,” she said, a little breathless, like his smile alone could knock the air out of her. For a time, it had.

“Jessie,” he said back. She pressed her lips together to keep a full grin off her face. She truly wasn’t cut out for this line of work. With her father gone, there was no one left to protect her from her own naïveté. She was pretty good at the business side of things, but as for the shady back-alley dealings? The old man really had sheltered her too much.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” she asked, coming around the desk, approaching him rather than the other way around. Why did she still let him have so much power over her? Why was she acting as though she hadn’t betrayed him before?

“I heard you wanted to see me,” he said noncommittally. He had to stall until Felix showed up. “So here I am.”

Jessamine laughed quietly. “I appreciate you taking the time out of your schedule to come here,” she said. She didn’t even ask who had told him that, as though she was still smitten with him. As though he might have forgiven what she’d done.

“I like what you’ve done with the place,” he said, sidestepping her to take a better look at the office. Mostly, he was checking her security measures, but he made it look like he was examining her decor. “The old man never had nearly this much color in here.”

“No, he didn’t,” she said, her voice holding a bit of frustration. “There were a lot of things he got wrong.”

“On that we can agree,” Hyun Jin said, picking up a silver desk ornament in the shape of a horse and examining it. Jessamine had always been a horse girl.

“Are you still upset?” she hazarded. He turned back to her, leaning against her desk and raising his eyebrows.

“About what?” he asked, his demeanor growing a little more serious.

“About what happened,” she said. “Before . . .”

“No,” he said. “I’m not still upset.” It was true in its own way. He’d hardened his heart against her a long time ago. He wouldn’t kill her in a fit of passion like he had so many others. No, the blood he spilled today would be cold. It had been cold for a long time.

She sighed in relief, and that made Hyun Jin want to strangle her. Jessamine de Laire was so used to getting everything she wanted that she hadn’t even registered him as a threat. She was so fucking frustrating.

“That’s good,” she said softly. “Now that my father’s dead, there’s nothing stopping us from getting back together. I’ve called off my engagement.”

Hyun Jin fought to keep the anger off his face. Her second engagement, to the replacement for the man Hyun Jin had murdered when he’d found Jessamine fucking him. A man her father had approved of, unlike Hyun Jin, who was too unstable to marry into an esteemed empire like the de Laire’s.

Before Hyun Jin could blow his cover entirely, the electronic locks on the doors clicked and Felix entered. There was a smear of blood on his cheek and a cut above his left eyebrow; he looked pissed. He tended to mask pain with anger. Clearly, the double-up of ibuprofen and acetaminophen wasn’t doing a good job. He needed something stronger, and soon.

“Is it done?” Hyun Jin asked. The security cameras, he meant.

“Yeah,” Felix said, leaning his back against the doors. There would be no escaping that way. Jessamine paled. She clearly recognized Felix, the hamster wheels in her brain turning.

Finally, the fun part.

“Don’t you want to know who told me you wanted to see me . . . ?” Hyun Jin asked, too soft, too close to her ear. She whipped back around to face him, finally recognizing him for the carnivore he was.

“That woman . . . She was with you both,” Jessamine said. Hyun Jin’s lips tugged toward a gleefully unsound grin.

“Would you like to know who she is?” he asked. Felix leaned his head back against the door, letting his agony show on his face now that Jessamine was no longer looking his way. He’d clearly gotten in a fight on the way up and aggravated his back. The message was obvious. Hurry up. Felix’s stamina had been greatly diminished, and if they had to fight their way out of there, he needed to conserve it.

“Who?” Jessamine asked.

“Blackbox,” Hyun Jin said, and his grin was cruel now. “She knows what you did to me. She told me where you would be today.” He tucked a wayward strand of hair behind Jessamine’s ear. “Blackbox always gets what she wants.”

“Blackbox took out a hit on me?” Jessamine asked. Hyun Jin let his tongue poke between his teeth.

“I’m not getting paid to do this if that’s what you’re asking. Blackbox does co-sign your death, though. You offended her by insinuating I would ever leave her for you,” Hyun Jin said. Jessamine looked back at Felix, then at Hyun Jin again.

“She’s no better than me,” Jessamine said. “I saw her with him.”

“Yeah,” Hyun Jin said with a chuckle. “She gives a damn good blowjob, that’s for sure. See, Blackbox never agreed to be exclusive with me, Jessamine. She doesn’t make promises she has no intention of keeping. Don’t you dare compare yourself to her. Only one of you is a woman of integrity.”

Finally, she was rendered speechless.

“Now then,” Hyun Jin went on, “in the interest of time, I would like to give you a choice. Either let me kill you, or do it yourself.” She glanced at the gun in his hand, suppressor on the muzzle, smoothly and casually drawn. He then gestured with his free hand to the wall of windows behind them, implying she jump.

“Lady’s choice,” he said softly, like this was the biggest favor he could do for her.

“You’d love it if I did it myself, wouldn’t you?” she snarled. “Absolve yourself of any blame?”

He laughed for real then. “You clearly never knew me very well if you think I wouldn’t relish killing you with an audience,” he said. Then, turning almost wistful, he added, “You want to know how Blackbox got my attention?”

“No,” Jessamine spat. “I don’t want to hear anything about that bitch.”

“She sacrificed forty-seven people to me. Let me kill them right in front of her, one after another. She let me do it, watched the whole thing without flinching, then masturbated to thoughts of me that same night. Blackbox accepts me, my nature, the way you and yours never did. You liked me because I was pretty, because I was good in bed, and you ignored the parts of me you felt were beneath you. Blackbox told me where you were, the times of your flights, where you got your fucking coffee this morning. Blackbox knows everything, who you are, what I am, and she hasn’t betrayed me the way you did. Blackbox gift-wrapped you and ensured this would be your last day on Earth. Now choose.”

Jessamine’s gaze was hateful as she went to her desk, opened a drawer. Hyun Jin practically rolled his eyes as she drew the handgun and moved to very obviously aim it at him rather than her own head like a sensible person. Hyun Jin put two bullets in her skull himself, and she crumpled. He sighed.

“I don’t know why I liked her in the first place,” he muttered as he took door-guarding duty over from Felix. Felix moved to the desk to copy as much as he could off Jessamine’s electronics. Hyun Jin kept his gun out, ready to defend Felix should anyone come in. No one did.

Felix worked quickly and silently, no doubt eager to be done with this.

It was around six in the evening when Blackbox’s phone buzzed with a call from Hyun Jin. Jeong In quickly came into the living area from the kitchen to listen.

“Is it done?” she asked.

“It’s done,” Hyun Jin confirmed.

“Where are you now?”

“The Continental.”

“Is Felix with you?”

“Yes and no,” Hyun Jin said, his voice steely. “I brought him to the States, yes, but we have different rooms on different floors.”

“I see,” she said, though she couldn’t quantify exactly how she felt about it just then. She’d had a feeling Hyun Jin would recruit Felix to help him get this done. He had always been a vengeful man; there was probably a part of him that delighted in making Felix work while he was supposed to be recovering.

“Felix has something for you,” Hyun Jin went on. Jeong In was looking at the phone like it might bite.

“What is it?” she asked.

“He scraped Jessamine’s devices. A few other people’s, too. He wants you to have the data. So do I,” Hyun Jin said.

She remained silent for a few beats. Jeong In looked like he’d bitten into something exceptionally foul, but she couldn’t tell from looking at him what his exact opinion was.

“Very well,” she said finally. “I’ll send you an address tomorrow morning. Bring him to me.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Hyun Jin replied. “I look forward to seeing you.”

“I know you do,” she answered, then ended the call. To say Jeong In looked displeased would be an understatement.

“You’re not going to have them come here, are you?” he asked.

“I don’t have much of a choice,” she said. “I need the location to be secure, and we can’t meet at the Continental.”

“Why not?” Jeong In asked. He probably thought meeting on Continental grounds would keep her the safest. He was shortsighted that way when it came to her.

“Because I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to shoot Felix, and I’d rather not face the punishment for conducting business on Continental grounds,” she said, her voice low. Jeong In gave a humorless chuckle then, but his shoulders relaxed in the knowledge that she was taking this very seriously.

“When you put it like that, I understand completely,” he said.

“Besides,” she added, reaching to touch his arm. “I’ll have you with me the entire time. Even if Felix tries something, and even if Hyun Jin has truly decided to betray me, I know you won’t let it happen. You said you wouldn’t lose me again, and I could feel how much you meant it.”

His expression softened further as he stepped closer to her, putting his hand on her neck, his thumb on her cheek. “I did,” he said, his voice so incredibly tender, “and I do.”

When Felix and Hyun Jin stepped into the condo, they were unarmed. They’d both left anything even vaguely threatening in their rooms at the Continental. Hyun Jin had insisted on searching Felix before they left, which Felix found both incredibly annoying and perfectly understandable. When the Gumiho let them in, Blackbox was sitting at the dining table, handgun on the surface in front of her. As she stood, she picked it up, primed it, and took aim at Felix. It was perhaps the most casual he’d ever seen her look—jeans, camisole, long cardigan—if one could ignore the gun. He eyed the firearm, and his lips parted in surprise when he realized it was his, the one I.N had confiscated from him during the standoff in the stairwell.

“Search them,” she said in Korean to I.N, who promptly obliged, his expression dark. I.N, too, was dressed down from his usual attire; today he wore a navy blue t-shirt tucked into black pants with an obvious gun holster on his right hip. Clearly, both he and Blackbox were ready to drop Felix at a moment’s provocation.

“I find it hard to believe you would allow me here just to kill me,” Felix said, holding perfectly still. I.N’s search was thorough; he was in the same line of work, so he knew every single spot to check, no matter how unlikely. Satisfied, he moved on to Hyun Jin. Blackbox didn’t remove her aim from Felix.

“You don’t know me very well,” she said.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “but you didn’t kill me before, so why would you do it now?”

“I don’t kill unconscious men,” she said. Felix clenched his jaw. His spine was still brutalizing him with pain signals regardless of the hot patch and KT tape doing their best to hold him together. The sixteen-hour plane ride and going into the field with Hyun Jin hadn’t helped.

“All clear,” I.N said, straightening and returning to Blackbox’s side. Hyun Jin had a particularly wounded look on his face.

“Yeah, I suppose you don’t,” Felix muttered. “You have dogs for that.”

She crossed the floor slowly, her expression as dark as I.N’s.

“I do,” she said, moving the conversation into English, ensuring her every word was exact and could not be misconstrued. “And you are lucky I chose to call the one I did that night.” She put her right hand on Hyun Jin’s shoulder then, and Felix watched the tension abruptly leave the line of the other man’s shoulders. He hadn’t been exaggerating before; he was like a drowning man and she his air.

“The Gumiho would have killed you on sight, and I knew that,” she said. “So I will repeat myself: I don’t kill unconscious men,” she said, enunciating the last five words very carefully, grazing the barrel of the gun just under Felix’s chin. Her finger wasn’t on the trigger, but that could change in an instant. Felix was abruptly hyperaware that he was the shortest person in the room.

“You should thank me for my mercy,” she continued, “and I.N for his. He’s had no fewer than three chances to kill you now, and he’s forfeited each one because I willed it so. He wanted to go back for you that night and finish the job, but I asked him to stay with me instead. He wants you dead so badly, and I am the only thing standing between you and him. Not even Hyun Jin could save you now. He wouldn’t dare.”

Hyun Jin stiffened, though her grip on his shoulder hadn’t changed. He was watching her so closely, and even in a situation like this, Felix could see the adoration bleeding from his eyes. He’d already told Felix he would bury him if it meant staying at this woman’s side, and right here, right now, Felix truly believed it. She was actively threatening Felix, and Hyun Jin looked relieved by the mere implication that she trusted him to be on her side.

“Why did you allow me here, then?” Felix asked. He hadn’t moved a muscle save what it took to talk. He knew better than to press his luck with a loaded firearm in someone else’s grip. “If you’re just going to kill me, why do it here, under your own roof, when you could have had Hyun Jin kill me where I stood this entire time?”

“Because this is personal,” she said. “You tried to smother me, Felix. You had the audacity to kiss me, to put your cock in my mouth, knowing the entire time you meant to kill me that night. That’s fucked up, even for the Smiler.”

“The blowjob was your idea,” he countered.

“And you should have told me no,” she said. “Knowing everything you did, you should have refused me. But you didn’t. You took advantage. And you’ll pay for it.”

“How?” he asked. “I can’t undo it.”

“No,” she said, “you can’t. But you can make it up to me with your life.”

She released Hyun Jin’s shoulder then, and without a backward glance at Felix, he stood aside, nearer to I.N than to Felix. Felix fought to keep any emotion off his face.

“What do you want from me?” Felix said, voice a little strained now, close to panic but not quite there.

“You have a month-long recovery ahead of you, correct?” she asked. Felix didn’t bother to ask where she’d gotten that information. Probably Hyun Jin. He nodded. “That means no more field work, yes?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“Is Lee Know aware yet?”

“No,” Felix answered. “He knows I failed, and that’s all. I haven’t contacted him since the night it happened. He doesn’t even know I left the country.”

“Good,” she said. “You’re going to keep it that way until or unless I instruct you otherwise. You’ll use this month to pick up what I’ve missed while dealing with Lee Know and Bang Chan and all their petty shit I couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck about anymore. And by the time the month is over, you’ll have either repaid your debt to me, or I will take the remainder from you.”

He eyed the gun in her grip. She wasn’t left-handed. The message was clear; he was beneath her, and wouldn’t require her full effort to put down. Hell, she probably wouldn’t even have to do it herself. Felix met I.N’s cold eyes over her shoulder for just a moment.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” he said, his mind numb with resignation. He couldn’t believe what he was about to do.

“Oh?” she said. “And why’s that?”

He fished his phone out of his pocket and held it out to her. She eyed it suspiciously, but took it with her free hand. She held it back over her shoulder, and I.N relieved her of it.

Then, Felix got to his knees and bowed his head.

“Because what I did to you can’t be rectified in a single month,” he said. “I know an impossible task when I see one. What I’ve done is unforgivable, and there’s nothing less than my life itself that can repay it.”

He paused long enough to take a breath and steady himself. From his other pocket, he drew the Marker, a physical representation of the oath he was about to make in blood. The Marker was little bigger than the average pocket watch, yet it felt brutally heavy in his grasp.

“So it’s yours. The rest of it. If that means you have to make me look dead to the world, so be it. If that means I have to be your eyes and ears for the rest of my life, so be it. What I tried to do to you is one of the worst things I’ve ever done in my life. And if the way I make up for that is by never holding a gun again and doing only as I’m told, then so be it. I surrender.”

She was silent for a moment. “Then I will consider this next month your audition. You know what will happen if you disappoint me.”

“I do,” he said, head still bowed. He wouldn’t dare look at her, not right now, not until she said he could.

“Get up,” she said. He rose, and registered that her free hand was open for the Marker. Silently, he opened the metal disk and jammed his thumb onto the protrusion at the top. Compared to his back, this pain was nothing. He pressed his bloody thumb into the inner recess of the Marker, lifting it away to leave his crimson thumbprint behind. Then he handed it to her. She looked at it for a long moment, then snapped it shut, putting it into her own pocket.

“Hyun Jin,” she said, though her eyes didn’t leave Felix, “escort Felix back to the Continental.” She’d switched back to Korean to better include everyone in the conversation. “Felix, you are not to leave the grounds until I send for you, personally or via I.N or Hyun Jin. Am I clear?”

“Yes,” Felix said.

“Then get out of my sight.”

Hyun Jin approached Felix but hesitated. He turned to Blackbox; he looked like he was barely holding himself together. Blackbox had made both him and Felix a wreck for completely different reasons.

“After I take him, may I come back?” Hyun Jin asked. There was a faint tremor in his voice, terrified by the prospect of remaining estranged from her. Over Blackbox’s shoulder, I.N looked like he wanted to maim Hyun Jin for his audacity.

“You may,” she said. Hyun Jin sighed, his eyes closing for a moment. His relief was a nearly physical force, changing the color of the whole room. He got a hold of himself a moment later, putting a hand on Felix’s shoulder and ushering him back out the door. It locked and bolted behind them.

“Was that your personal phone?” Hyun Jin asked as they made the elevator. Felix twisted the rose-gold band around his right ring finger, careful not to get blood on it. If Blackbox had noticed he was wearing her ring, she hadn’t given any indication.

“Yeah,” Felix said.

“I can’t believe you would be that reckless,” Jeong In said softly. She turned away from the door, making her gun safe and unloaded once again.

“Not reckless,” she said. “Calculated. We don’t get anywhere in this world without taking risks.”

“But to let Hyun Jin come back . . .”

“It’ll be all right. You’re here, and I know you won’t leave me alone with him no matter how hard he begs, not until he’s earned it. Besides, I don’t want to risk leaving him with Felix any longer. They were close, once. I don’t want them rekindling anything until or unless it suits my needs.”

Jeong In hadn’t seen her like this in a long time. Frigid, sharp, willing to manipulate even those she cared about if it meant keeping the upper hand. But Felix and even Hyun Jin had forced her, and Jeong In added it to the long list of reasons why he was glad to be on her good side.

“Besides,” she went on, setting the empty firearm and its magazine back down on the table, “Felix knows where I am now. If he tries to come back and kill me one last time, Hyun Jin will have the chance to prove his loyalty. Should he fail that test, you’re welcome to eliminate them both.”

Jeong In approached her then, gently cupping her face in his hands. He’d thawed entirely once the other men left, earnest and open, just for her. He knew how much it had to hurt her to turn her back on Hyun Jin like that, even hypothetically.

“I trust you more than anyone, Jeong In,” she said softly, gripping his arms like he was her lifeline. “No matter what happens, it’s you and me . . . I don’t have the words to describe how grateful I am to have you here . . .”

He folded her into a hug then, holding her close for a long few minutes, letting her come down, back to herself, the version of her that was only human rather than a force, a terror.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said against her hair. “I promise.”

“I know,” she said, finally pulling back from him. “Now, let’s see what’s on that phone.”

When Jeong In fished the smartphone from his pocket and handed it to her, the first shock was the lack of security measures enabled. A quick look at the settings showed that Felix favored the fingerprint scanner and face I.D. plus a PIN. All of it was disabled.

She took a seat on the couch and Jeong In sat beside her. Even just a cursory sweep would take hours. Contacts, text messages, emails, photos, notes, documents. It would take cumulative days to comb through everything here.

“Is it legitimate?” Jeong In asked.

“Looks like it,” she said. “Even if he made a copy, which I can almost guarantee he has, this is incredible.” Biting the corner of her lip, she navigated deeper. “There’s so much shit on the de Laires in here . . . I could root them out of New York with this, easily. I don’t even have to touch their global holdings if I don’t want to.” She backed out of that folder and tapped into a document about Lee Know. It had been created two days ago, an unorganized stream-of-consciousness dump that read like Felix jotting down everything he could think of regarding his former boss. The timing couldn’t be coincidental.

“Do you think any of it is a trap?” Jeong In asked, looking directly over her shoulder to get around the privacy screen protector on the device.

“I don’t know, but we can verify it later. This is going to take at least a week of dedicated time to go through, maybe more,” she said.

They were still combing through the data when Hyun Jin knocked on the door nearly three hours later. They both knew it was him because he knocked exactly the same way every single time.

“Let him in,” she said, and Jeong In got up. Sure enough, there was Hyun Jin, his overnight bag slung over his shoulder.

“You can take the second bedroom,” she said from the couch without moving or looking up. Jeong In saw the hurt crease Hyun Jin’s expression but felt very little in the way of sympathy. The only thing Jeong In could think about was Hyun Jin’s hand on her neck and his gun to her head, all to save the fucking Smiler.

“Thank you,” Hyun Jin said, leaving his shoes by the door and retreating to the second bedroom. Jeong In, of course, had been sleeping in the master with her this entire time, so the extra room had remained untouched. He went back to the couch, sitting beside her again, his leg resting against hers just to let her know he was there if she needed him. She patted his thigh but didn’t look up from the phone. A few minutes later, Hyun Jin came to the living room and took a seat in one of the plush chairs perpendicular to the sofa. He watched her carefully, but still she didn’t look away from the phone.

“Why are you here, Hyun Jin?” she asked finally. There was a distinct lack of emotion in her voice that made Jeong In think of Bang Chan when he dealt with clients. They both had an air like they were larger than life, never to be trifled with.

“Because I missed you,” he said. “Because I was worried about you. Because for almost a week I was under the honest to god impression I was never going to see you again for more than a few minutes.”

Finally, she lowered the phone and looked at him. “I wouldn’t do that to you without a reason.”

“You have reasons,” he said, his voice so soft it almost didn’t carry. Jeong In didn’t think he’d ever seen Hyun Jin afraid before, but there was no other way to describe his demeanor now.

She was silent for a moment, then handed the phone to Jeong In. He pocketed it. She gestured for Hyun Jin to move to the couch, and he obeyed, sitting on her other side. Then she straddled his thighs.

Jeong In felt no jealousy seeing them like that. He felt a little angry, because, in his opinion, Hyun Jin hadn’t earned this privilege back yet, but that was all. She and Hyun Jin looked gorgeous together; they always had. They were both beautiful in their own rights, but together they were beyond enticing.

Hyun Jin stared up into her face, his hands tentatively coming to rest on her hips. His expression was wide open; she could have asked anything of him and he would have done it without question.

It was what she needed. It was what she deserved.

“I have reasons to the contrary, as well,” she said. Then she kissed him. Jeong In felt the same about that as he did about her sitting on Hyun Jin’s lap—not jealous, merely critical. She could do with her body as she pleased; they’d all talked about it already. Even finding out about the impromptu blowjob she’d given Yong Bok hadn’t been that much of a shock (though it had grossed Jeong In out). Jeong In didn’t feel threatened. He never had.

Hyun Jin moaned against her mouth, his hands tightening on her hips, pulling her closer. Her hands were on his jaw now, deepening the kiss, and Jeong In watched her tongue slip into Hyun Jin’s mouth. No matter how much he distrusted Hyun Jin right then, no matter how ready he was to shoot the other man at the slightest provocation, he still derived pleasure from looking at them like that.

“You know Jeong In isn’t going to let us have a moment alone, don’t you?” she said against Hyun Jin’s mouth. Hyun Jin opened bleary eyes to look first at her, then at Jeong In.

“I know,” he said, meeting Jeong In’s eyes. “I don’t care. I don’t think he cares, either.”

“Anything you have to say or do with her, you can do in front of me,” Jeong In said. A threat and consent in one. Both Jeong In and Hyun Jin had slept with her already, but they’d never watched each other, never done anything as a group. Jeong In couldn’t help the way his cock twitched at the prospect.

“Oh, please, Kit,” she said softly, looking at Jeong In and using the nickname she’d coined for him years ago when he’d first joined the life, all so she could refer to him affectionately in mixed company without jeopardizing his identity. “You’re not really planning just to watch are you?”

Jeong In moved his gaze from her to Hyun Jin. Hyun Jin didn’t look bothered by the prospect of actively sharing in the slightest.

“I’m just happy to be included,” Hyun Jin said, answering the unspoken question. “You know I didn’t just miss noona, right? I missed Jeong Innie too.”

Jeong In pressed his lips together, but no matter how much he tried to harden his heart, he couldn’t make those words meaningless. He hadn’t just gotten used to Hyun Jin’s presence in their lives; he liked having the older man around. That’s why his perceived betrayal had hurt so much.

“Missed me enough to see my dick?” Jeong In asked, forcing his voice to sound detached. Hyun Jin let his eyes dart down to Jeong In’s crotch, a faint smile crossing his lips.

“Yeah,” he confirmed.

“It’s a great dick,” she said, also eyeing Jeong In’s growing erection. She’d fucked him only a couple days before and yet looked ready to devour him again. This woman was positively insatiable.

“Better than mine?” Hyun Jin asked, obviously playing. She made a soft tsk noise, playing along.

“I thought the whole point of this arrangement was that I don’t have to choose,” she said.

“The only choice you have to make is whose goes where,” Jeong In said, entirely committed at this point. “I got your mouth and your pussy earlier this week, so I’m not picky.”

Hyun Jin pouted. “You mean to tell me I had to go kill somebody and he was here stuffing you full?” he asked. This was one of Hyun Jin’s favorite roles to play—the pouting, wounded prince.

“Mmhmm,” she said. “If it makes you feel any better, knowing you took out the last foundation of the de Laire Empire makes me find you five times sexier.”

“It does, actually,” Hyun Jin said. “I’ve wanted to kill Jessamine de Laire for years now, and you practically gift-wrapped her for me. You must like me a lot.”

She shifted her hips against his, and Hyun Jin groaned. Jeong In resisted the urge to touch himself just yet.

“I do like you a lot,” she said, then turned to look at Jeong In, too. “I like both of you a lot.”

She then leaned over to unzip Jeong In’s pants. Hyun Jin put his hand on her neck, turning her face back to him so he could kiss her again. While they devoured each other, Jeong In undid his belt and levered his cock out of his pants, stroking slowly, enjoying the show they put on. Hyun Jin’s lips eventually trailed down her neck, making her put her head back and sigh in bliss. Jeong In studied the column of her throat, imagining either his or Hyun Jin’s cock crammed down it. He groaned quietly, speeding the motion of his hand.

Hyun Jin moved her then, laying her back on the couch, her head resting on Jeong In’s thigh. Hyun Jin lowered his hips between her legs, grinding against her. He claimed her mouth with his again, and them making out mere centimeters from his cock made Jeong In moan louder, a throb of need going down the length of him. She raked her fingers through Hyun Jin’s hair with one hand while her other yanked his shirt up, exposing his leanly muscled back. Hyun Jin took the initiative and sat up long enough to pull the shirt off and cast it aside. He moved down her body then, tugging her pants and underwear down and off so he could bury his face in her cunt. She moaned so sweetly at that, and Jeong In used his free hand to tug her shirt and bra askew, playing with her tits the way she liked, which only made her moan louder and squirm against Hyun Jin’s face. Hyun Jin, in answer, took firm hold of her thighs to keep her still.

“Fuck,” she whined, thoroughly trapped between them. They kept her like that until she came, her hips bucking against Hyun Jin’s mouth, her head pressing back into Jeong In’s thigh while she mewled her pleasure.

“Nothing like an orgasm to get our pussy nice and wet, huh?” Hyun Jin said as he sat up, his lips and chin glistening in wet, his eyes skating over her to land on Jeong In.

“I just want to know who gets to have it first,” Jeong In said. Hyun Jin eyed Jeong In’s hardness, and Jeong In glanced over the insistent outline in Hyun Jin’s pants.

She made the decision for them, rolling onto her knees, throwing her remaining clothes on the floor, and putting her mouth on Jeong In’s cock. Jeong In moaned instantly, his eyes falling halfway shut. He was barely cognizant of Hyun Jin stripping the rest of the way down and stroking his cock while he looked them over.

Jeong In did notice when Hyun Jin, impatient as ever, sank his cock into her, causing her to whine around Jeong In’s. Jeong In hissed an exhale, his cock throbbing in her mouth. Hyun Jin didn’t take long to pick a rhythm, and Jeong In got to his knees to make it easier on them. Every time Hyun Jin slammed home inside her, her body rocked forward, pushing Jeong In’s cock deeper down her throat.

Hyun Jin couldn’t pick a focal point, shifting between his cock fucking her cunt, her mouth on Jeong In, and even Jeong In’s face from time to time. It was a little weird at first, having Hyun Jin look at them both with similar avarice, but everything else felt so good that Jeong In found he honestly didn’t mind. Who gave a fuck if a man as gorgeous as Hyun Jin liked looking at him? That was a compliment.

As Hyun Jin continued with his brutal rhythm, she tapped Jeong In’s thigh, and he immediately withdrew his dick from her mouth. She coughed a little, catching her breath, wrapping her hand around Jeong In’s slick cock and pumping instead.

“A little eager there, Hyun Jin?” she asked, meaning to tease him though her voice was husky with pleasure and probably the beginnings of a sore throat.

“I told you I missed you,” Hyun Jin said, leaving his cock buried all the way inside her after an exceptionally long and sound thrust. “I figured I could show you, too.”

She fidgeted her hips a little, silently begging Hyun Jin to move. It drew a smirk to his lips.

“If you don’t fuck her properly, I’ll do it for you,” Jeong In snapped. Hyun Jin’s eyes met his.

“By all means,” he said, pulling out. “Switch with me.”

Jeong In didn’t have to be told twice. They traded places, Jeong In shedding his clothes in the process. Jeong In wasted no time sinking his cock into her; she was so fucking slick that it required almost no effort on his part.

“Fuck,” she moaned. She almost dropped her face onto the couch cushions, but Hyun Jin coaxed her back up.

“I want you to taste yourself,” he said, and she nodded, opening her mouth for his wet cock. Jeong In groaned at the sight, speeding the motions of his hips. While he wasn’t quite as brutal with her as Hyun Jin had been, Jeong In was eager, and they once again found a rhythm that had her rocking forward, gagging and drooling around Hyun Jin’s cock. Somewhere in the middle of all that, she came again, a euphoric fluttering of her core that made her feel even warmer and wetter around Jeong In. He moaned, leaning over her until his chest was pressed to her back, his hips snapping sharp, short thrusts into her to prolong her orgasm. She had to push Hyun Jin away so she could breathe, her moans turning into sharp, ragged cries when Jeong In refused to relent.

“Jeong In— Jeong In, stop, stop,” she gasped, and he obeyed in an instant.

“What is it?” he asked, straightening up and looking her over. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“I’m fine,” she said, then laughed a little, breathless. “But I know how you fuck when you’re about to come, and if you get semen on my couch I’m going to be pissed.”

Hyun Jin had the nerve to laugh, though he did shove his face into his elbow to try to muffle it. Jeong In glared at him, but there was no real venom behind it. Reluctantly, he pulled out.

“That’s fair,” he sighed. “To the bedroom?”

“Yes, please,” she said. Both Jeong In and Hyun Jin helped her stand up. Jeong In was pleased to see her stride wobble a little as she walked into the bedroom. She flopped onto the bed and rolled over with her legs spread and her head hanging off the edge.

“You may continue,” she said, then simply left her mouth hanging open.

“Oh my god,” Hyun Jin groaned, and immediately went to the end of bed to make use of her open mouth. Jeong In took his time making his way onto the bed, watching intently as she got Hyun Jin’s cock slick all over again, choking it down bit by bit. What Jeong In had pictured when this all began—a cock filling her throat—came to fruition, Hyun Jin’s length sliding in and out of her slowly, visibly. She’d put herself at the perfect angle for it, probably on purpose.

Jeong In teased her with his fingers first, both to make sure she was still physically able to take him and so he could take some of her wet to prepare himself again, too. Hyun Jin had increased his pace just a little bit more, careful and eager all at once. Jeong In watched, listening to her hum around Hyun Jin’s cock while Jeong In jerked himself with his wet hand.

“You might want to get to work,” Hyun Jin said, tearing his eyes away from the throat fucking to look at Jeong In. “As great as this feels, I like coming in her cunt better.”

“Don’t rush me,” Jeong In shot back, but it was quickly rendered a moot point when she reached down for his cock herself, stroking him and all but demanding he put it inside her.

“You know how much she hates being empty,” Hyun Jin said, and she hummed an affirmative. Jeong In couldn’t resist after that, shooing her hand away so he could enter her again. She gave a longer, lower hum then, a little shiver going down her body. He gripped her knees, pushing her legs back and open to take him better, and then he started to move again.

Jeong In had no idea where Hyun Jin had gotten his restraint from, because Jeong In personally didn’t seem to have any left. With her cunt slick and open and taking him so easily, Jeong In picked up immediately where he’d left off, fucking her with fast, short thrusts. She tapped on Hyun Jin’s thigh and he pulled his cock out of her mouth, her loud, ragged moans filling the room. Hyun Jin immediately moved onto the bed and took one of her breasts in his mouth, turning her moans into cries instead as Jeong In refused to let up. She came yet again, and watching her eyes roll back in her head was the last straw for Jeong In. He orgasmed hard, barely able to focus his own eyes while he fucked them through it, making a royal mess of them both. She’d been right to move out of the living room.

“Fuck, Jeong In,” Hyun Jin said, looking over the frothing mess Jeong In had made of her pussy. “You said you had her like two days ago, why so greedy?”

“I always want her so bad,” Jeong In panted, trying to catch his breath. “I’m always greedy for her.”

He pulled out, and everything was sticky. His cock, her core, the bedspread.

“I’m greedy, too,” she whined. “Hyunie.”

It wasn’t often that she whined in desperation like that. Jeong In watched in real-time as Hyun Jin’s expression shifted from playful to predatory, and made the smart executive decision to move out of the way before Hyun Jin could physically push him.

Hyun Jin leaned over her body, kissing her sloppy and deep while he purposely rubbed his messy cock against her stomach, refusing to enter her right away now that he knew how desperate she was. He was equally desperate, but after being apart from her for days and in limbo for weeks, hearing her beg for him by name hit him hard in a way he hadn’t known he could feel.

She’d missed him, too, and he reveled in that.

“Hyunie,” she whined again, “please.”

“Please what?”

“I need you inside me.”

“What part of me?”

“Your fucking cock.”

“Good,” he said, and then moved them both. He peeled her off the bed and lay down under her instead, fitting her to his cock and pulling her down hard, forcing her to take all of him with the help of gravity. She all but shrieked when he did it, sitting on him motionless for a moment, dazed while she tried to get used to him filling her already hypersensitive core. He loved seeing her like that, knowing her senses were overwhelmed and it was all his fault.

Well, his and Jeong In’s, in this case. Hyun Jin couldn’t wait to add his cum to the total.

“Fuck me, noona,” Hyun Jin said, his own desperation coming to the fore. “Fuck me like you missed me.”

“I did miss you,” she said, and she didn’t bother to start slow, either. He knew her, knew that when she rode that hard, it was because she was chasing an orgasm. She’d already come multiple times this session, but not on Hyun Jin’s cock, and that was one of her favorites. She had to be exhausted and dehydrated, but she wanted this, wanted him badly enough to try. Despite the vulgarity of the situation, she softened him in a way no one else could manage.

She was sweaty and messy and every stroke of her along his cock made a wet slap against his pelvis. His hands were tight on her hips, helping her rhythm when she faltered. She shook her head, looking like she was going to cry in frustration.

“I can’t, I—”

Hyun Jin pulled her body down, putting her face in his shoulder while he braced her hips at the perfect height for him to fuck up into her. He did his best to copy her angle, her speed, trying to hit the same spots inside her that she would have hit herself.

“Please, noona,” he panted, his voice strained. “I want you to come on me so bad. I missed you so fucking much and I need this, too.”

She fell apart, sounding like she might start crying any second. She was shaking so hard, and every contact point between their bodies was slick with sweat. She’d given him everything she had left, and that was enough. He came too, his last few shuddering thrusts accompanied by long, high moans. This was the first time he’d gotten off in weeks; Jeong In hadn’t let Hyun Jin be alone with her since the stunt he’d pulled with the hostage situation, so the last time he’d come had been sometime before that. Hyun Jin had completely lost interest in masturbation months ago; it didn’t feel half as good as being with his partner did.

His partner.

She still wanted him. She hadn’t decided he was a worse version of Jeong In and gotten rid of him.

“Thank you,” he murmured as he came back to his senses. “Both of you,” he clarified, looking for Jeong In over her shoulder. The younger man had caught his breath by now and was looking at them with widened eyes.

“Do you always fuck like that?” he asked. Hyun Jin glanced at the fucked-out woman on his chest. She looked like she was trying and failing to string a coherent thought together, like they’d shattered her mind completely.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Hyun Jin answered. “Is that bad?”

Jeong In shook his head. “No. I mean, she seems to like it. I just mean you fuck like you’re never going to get to do it again.”

Hyun Jin shrugged. “Knowing this life, one day that’s going to be true. I’m not going to half-ass being with my favorite person in the world even once.”

Jeong In’s gaze softened a little, going over her spent body. She looked like she might fall asleep, which meant it was up to them to keep her awake long enough to clean and hydrate her. Jeong In swallowed hard, and it was abundantly clear that she was his favorite person in the world, too.

“If you start getting her cleaned up, I’ll go get water,” Jeong In said. It was a small concession, his willingness to leave the room for even a minute and work together with Hyun Jin on literally anything, but Hyun Jin would do whatever he needed to rebuild the trust he’d broken.

“Yeah,” Hyun Jin agreed. Jeong In left the room, and Hyun Jin carried their partner into the master bathroom. He got her to stand, her hips leaning back against the counter, and got to work.

She closed her eyes in bliss as Hyun Jin tied her hair up and out of the way.

“That was a lot,” she murmured. When she opened her eyes, he was smiling softly.

“No kidding,” he said. One of the reasons she liked sex so much was because it was one of the only things that could get her to stop thinking even for a little while, forcing her to live in her body rather than her brain. Having both Hyun Jin and Jeong In at the same time had certainly eliminated any rational thought.

Hyun Jin took several washcloths and towels from the linen closet and wet one in the sink with warm water. It would be easiest to wash her off in the shower, but in her current state, she wasn’t sure she could handle that without falling over or passing out. Hyun Jin, intuitive of her as ever, clearly knew it, too.

Jeong In came back with water bottles, and she thanked him and drank greedily. Hyun Jin ignored his, focused on his task.

“I put the kettle on the stove,” Jeong In said, watching Hyun Jin’s motions closely. He didn’t seem as suspicious as he had before, but he clearly hadn’t forgiven Hyun Jin yet, either. “I figure you’re going to want to counteract the sore throat before it happens.”

She chuckled. “That’s why you’re the smart one,” she teased. Jeong In snorted.

“Yeah right,” he retorted sarcastically. “I just know how many times you can deep throat in a week before it bothers you.”

“Is it peppermint?” she asked.

“Of course,” Jeong In answered. She reached toward him and he stepped closer. She gently traced his jaw, his neck, the line of his shoulders. His whole body was tight from physical exertion, his hair a mess. Jeong In always looked good, but post-fuck Jeong In was a specific kind of good.

“Thank you,” she said, and meant a lot of things. In answer, he kissed her forehead, then went back to gulping down his water bottle, which she paid undivided attention to. He left again when the kettle started to whistle.

Hyun Jin coaxed her legs apart to get to the worst of the mess now that the rest of her had been wiped clean of sweat and spit and various other fluids. He wet a fresh washcloth to use.

“Thank you,” she said to him, too. He glanced up at her, then put his eyes back on his task. He was so gentle with her now; he always was, after.

“You don’t have to thank me,” he said softly. “I want to do it. All of it. I missed all of it.”

“I know,” she said, her voice just as quiet. “We’ll figure it out.” It was the most she could promise right then.

Jeong In came back into the master bedroom and dropped all their discarded clothes into a pile on the bed. “I don’t know if anybody plans on putting any of that back on,” he said.

“Probably not. We can just empty the pockets and put it all in the washer. Please tell me you brought more than one outfit, Hyun Jin,” she said, teasing him now.

“Or what? You’ll be miserable having to see me naked for a couple more hours?” he snarked right back. She snickered, and Jeong In snorted as he squeezed past them to get in the shower.

“Anything but that,” Jeong In needled over the water.

“Yeah, I have more clothes,” Hyun Jin said, tossing the second used washcloth in the sink. “Once you finish drinking your water, you should get in with Jeong In just to be sure everything’s clean.”

“Okay,” she said. “Would you mind throwing all that in the washer? Including the blanket? It’s connected to the guest bathroom.”

“Got it,” Hyun Jin said, leaning to give her a gentle kiss on his way out of the bathroom.

Once everyone was clean, dry, and in some state of decent dress, they all met back up in the living room. She sipped her tea. Jeong In was to her right attempting to find something worth streaming on TV. Hyun Jin had started out sitting to her left, but he’d since laid down, put his head in her lap, and let her stroke his hair.

“How long are you staying, Hyun Jin?” she asked. He shrugged.

“Until you kick me out or Lee Know summons me, I guess,” he said.

“Are you okay with that, Jeong In?” she asked next. Jeong In also shrugged.

“I guess. But he has to stay in the second bedroom,” he said. Hyun Jin whined, and she sighed.

“It’s a fair concession,” she said. “He could ask you to go back to the Continental.”

“I know,” Hyun Jin grumbled.

“Just try not to do any other stupid things,” Jeong In said, “and we can get through this a lot faster.”

“Yeah, I know,” Hyun Jin said softly. She glanced down at him, but he wasn’t looking at her. His eyes were closed, and he looked so, so tired. “I think I’ve learned my lesson.”

#kpop smut #stray kids smut #skz smut #hyunin smut #hyunjin smut #jeongin smut #i.n smut #hyunin x oc #hyunjin x oc #jeongin x oc #i.n x oc #hyunin oneshot #hyunjin oneshot #jeongin oneshot #i.n oneshot

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marnz · 10 months ago

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2023 book post

I read 63 books this year (i do count short stories & novellas) and there were epic highs (everyone read the school for good mothers) and epic lows (y'all read this shit? for real?).

here are my top ten, in no particular order, followed by thoughts on the rest. it's so long lol okay let's get into it

top ten.

the school for good mothers by jessamine chan - a perfect commentary on the prison industrial complex and how poor, single, and mothers of color are treated set in a chilling near future. loved it. i read this book in june and think about it daily.

edinburgh by alexander chee - this book is a modern classic for good reason. gay tragedy lovers this book is for YOU. the prose is so beautiful, so dream like, that i couldn't stop reading. i read this book in one sitting, very nearly a year ago, and i was completely devastated by it.

in the woods by tana french - love this for: unreliable narrator who sucks but is compelling; prose about the woods and the 1980s mystery; cassie; a police procedure that starts off by being like 'crucially you must understand that the police lie.' i have a weakness for atmospheric books and this has that in spades.

homegoing by yaa gyasi - this book is SO good and the prose and character voices are excellent. it's extremely epic but somehow only 300 pages?!? each character only gets 1 chapter but gyasi does SO much with each chapter 😭 i read this in one day because i could not stop reading. i also read gyasi's other book, transcendent kingdom, which was also very good.

some desperate glory by emily tesh - this book is a mindfuck and is one of the few times i've seen [spoiler] done well. there are a lot of things this book talks about--imperialism; artificial intelligence; fascism; white supremacy and how it intersects with gender; queerness; eugenics. i posted about it early when i had only read like 49% and i was soooo wrong to do so. read this and just trust me.

x by davey davis - okay are you ready for this? X is queer/trans bdsm neo noir mystery set in a dystopian near future. it is dark, it is consuming, it is surprising, it is a book i turn over obsessively whenever i can't sleep. i need to reread and i only read it a few months ago.

baru cormorant series/the masquerade by seth dickinson - this is 3 books but let's count it as one book. much has been said about baru as a cringefail autistic marxist lesbian icon (affectionate) but what i really appreciate about these books, other than how fucking gay they are, is the specificity of the world building. i have a theory that modern readers are in search of detail (and cruelly denied by much of publishing rn). seth dickinson loves details. seth dickinson is going to take semi familiar narratives and tell them in a brand new way using details; math; hyper specific words. god i love it

poverty by america by matthew desmond - relatively short book, read it in a day. i also read desmond's first book, evicted, and it is also SO good but what's sexy about this book is that modern american society and esp. politicians frequently likes to be like 'oh no, poverty is so tragic but it can't be solved' and desmond is like 'watch me.' for people who enjoy reading andrea long chu take downs reviews and want concrete solutions for how to build a better world.

station eleven by emily st. john mandel - many people told me this was the best book they've ever read and i was like 'whatever. i'll get to it when i get to it.' DO NOT BE ME!! read this!! i wouldn't say this is a happy book but it was a beautiful book. i loved it. i cried for about 90 minutes afterwards. for art lovers, weird theatre kids, people unafraid of plague books, non linear timeline lovers, people who have been divorced.

piranesi by susanna clarke - okay i read this on my flight to frankfurt earlier this year and it totally bowled me over with how lovely it was and how emotional i got. just a beautiful, delicate, haunting, eerie book. for fans of mysteries, people who love oceans, gothic houses, people who earnestly believed magic was real as kids and hope it's real today, people who love academic drama they aren't involved in.

okay damn honorable mentions: in the dream house by carmen maria machado (SO good, maybe deserves my rec more than piranesi), normal people by sally rooney (mainly because it did make me insane), under the banner of heaven by jon krakauer (thorough, horrifying), honey & spice by bolu babalola (SO fun), sula by toni morrison (stunning!!), severance by ling ma (millennial alienation during a plague, amirite?), trust exercise by susan choi (who knows what really happened? you'll understand).

okay now the worst books i read this year, aka books i did not vibe with:

broken harbor & the trespasser by tana french; did not enjoy broken harbor due to the themes and did not enjoy the trespasser due to how cringefail the ending was. you can't depict ongoing harassment a woman of color is experiencing in her workplace, make her decide to leave after two years of this harassment, and then back track it in the last chapter? please. this is a problem tana french runs into a lot, but that is a different post

the witch elm by tana french; parts of this book were absolutely delicious. but a lot of it felt very tedious and in need of a stern editor. so many books these days need more thorough editing and the result is that a potentially amazing book is just like, okay. i understand the power fantasy that this book is designed to be, but i'm not the right audience for it (disabled). also, generally i need a character to root for.

amateur by thomas page mcbee; SO sorry thomas. i didn't vibe with this book mainly because i don't think i'm the target audience for it. i'm not cis and i'm not straight?? i also am not interested in narratives about trans men wanting to prove their masculinity by taking up a violent sport. i think this tension is addressed in the book but it wasn't addressed to my satisfaction. violence is often all the world gives to men as a source of power and thus serves as a solace for everything patriarchy takes from them, so i suppose i understand wanting to be able to get a piece of that...logically that makes sense. but also. why.

the late americans by brandon taylor; the thing is, i fucking love real life by brandon taylor and i enjoy brandon's criticism and read his substack (although i disagree with almost every aesthetic opinion he has). so possibly my expectations were too high, but i read this and i guess i was just...wanted to know what the point is. gay people suffering in the midwest? as a genre, it slaps. as a book, i feel frustrated. it felt loose, pointless, in great need of editing. brandon talks about this book by talking about the importance of moral fiction, and this book lacks moral urgency for many of its stories. i've read a lot of moral fiction and this isn't it? anyway I read this in July and looking back all I remember is Seamus' journey and the way brandon dragged workshopping.

the angel of the crows by katherine addison; look. if you're going to write sherlock wingfic, put it on ao3. if you're going to file off the serial numbers, please work harder so i can't tell what it originally was. and absolutely nix the author's note saying it was sherlock fanfic, because that makes me very unhappy! personally!

99% mine by sally thorne; classic second book syndrome. except the third one is also not very good. too bad!

touched out by amanda montei; okay obligatory disclaimer that i'm not a mother or parent but rather an adult who loves my friends' kids! this book really frustrated me and i think i would have enjoyed it considerably more if it was all cultural criticism instead of a memoir (other than the dworkin parts????). a memoir is an art form, a set narrative, but criticizing it feels weird because i am criticizing the author's life decisions as presented to me, in a flattened context, in a controlled narrative. if the memoir parts were instead part of a fictional book i would not hold back lol. this book is marketed as the most important work of feminist scholarship in the last 30 years and...it ain't. i also felt the focus was incredibly narrow. while montei does attempt to cite a broad range of theorists i just kept finding myself wondering, what about people from other cultures? what about disabled mothers? what about queer mothers or parents? what about this? WHERE'S YOUR RESEARCH? WHERE ARE YOUR INTERVIEWS? there is a specific kind of feminism where white women act like their specific experience is the pinnacle of all suffering and tbh it isn't. this book reminded me of that very strongly. like, if you're telling me you won't have an epidural because it was invented by a man then you are not a useful person to engage with, thanks.

books that would have been amazing if not for that one part

he who drowned the world by shelley parker chan - man i have mixed thoughts on this book. look away my beloved swbts mutuals. okay the epic highs (ouyang & zhu!! ma!!) were set off by baoxiang lmao. i'm mainly interested in queer masculinity and femininity and a femme straight guy is like. well, good for him, but i don't really care? bring me back to my loveds zhu and ouyang. but my main gripe...tbh i think baoxiang is a hugely unreliable narrator that protests about a lot of things too much. being straight for one thing; not having a thing for esen is another. AND MORE COULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THIS? like i honestly wish the implied incest thing, which was brought up at least twice, was more present. taking a step back, if you're like well i'm straight and i don't have a thing for my dead brother i helped kill but i absolutely will be seducing the spitting image of him while i fuck my way to the top of the throne? that should make me insane. possibly it would have in a book that didn't already have ouyang. who can tell. so i wish SPC had leaned into that a lot more, i wish baoxiang hadn't felt like such a plot instrument, i wish there was more Ma, i wish spoilery completely unbelievable storyline was better, etc.

in memorial by alice winn - damn, this book. it was so good but it fell apart at the end. i respect winn's decision to not have it be perfectly easy after living through the untold horrors of the trenches of wwi but the idea of two brits running away to brazil to live out a life of colonial bliss because being gay wasn't explicitly illegal in brazil at a time is like. what? i guess. anyway, it was good, i just have some notes.

romantic comedy by curtis sittenfeld - here's the thing, i love curtis sittenfeld and i knew going in that this is a book by the author that wrote rodham but man, this is a book by the author that wrote rodham. this is the most Online book i've ever read (derogatory) and it's very specific in its liberal i'm an Online author on twitter type of deal. the point of the book is that Not Tina Fey falls for Male Taylor Swift on Not Saturday Night Live and it was good, it was fun, i wasn't expecting [spoiler] ummm but it worked. i had a good time.

this is very long, sorry.

#currently #read in 2023 #long post tag #SO long #look away my beloved swbts mutuals...

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