#joker with a dog is too priceless

[j0kers-light]

J with pets/maybe specifically a dog head canons, GO!

Hi anon 🤍✨

I read this ask and literally burst into tears thinking about my furbaby. Is it okay if I dedicate this to J? (Yes, my dog’s name was J, no correlation to Joker tho)

I am not sorry this is literally my fur baby down to the tail wag! I just copied and pasted from my memories. I miss him so much and this brought back so many happy times. Crying is good for the soul but my eyes are gonna be swollen tomorrow at this rate.

I think my J and Joker would’ve gotten along wonderfully. J was a sweet yet demonic boy always getting into trouble while giving me countless laughs and plenty of scars. This one's for you J. 🤍✨

Canon Joker/Harley own two hyenas as pets and in the Dark Knight, Joker had dogs protecting him in the final scene against Batman. So it's only natural that Joker goes out and adopts a dog(s) to protect you when he’s not around.

Does your apartment allow pets? They do now. Joker bribes/threatens management to change the policy.

I’m talking big boys too! Like German Shepherd, Great Dane, Rottweiler, Siberian Husky etc. just to name a few. Pick one, because Joker will if you don’t. If you’re short, they easily come up to your chest and if you’re tall, well past your hip.

If by some chance big dogs aren’t your thing, (I strongly believe any size dog can protect) you lean more towards common household breeds like a Beagle, any terrier, Corgi, Maltese, Dachshund, etc.

Regardless of the breed, Joker trains the dog with an eerie military-like regiment. Fully potty trained, independent, highly intelligent; it's almost like the dog is human with how well it responds to you. The fur baby can be a service dog if it really wants to be! It protec, it attac, but most importantly, it comforts you on the lonely nights when Joker isn’t at home.

You were scared of this big dog at first. It snarled at you whenever you came too close, refused to let you pet him, the whole nine yards– (why did Joker get you such a mean doggie?) until you sucked it up and made it love you.

Like full on dog whisperer transformation. Now the two of you are inseparable! He’s the best boy for his mommy. All the tummy rubs and head scratches he could ever ask for! Joker is noT jealous… 👀

Joker was indifferent towards the animal for the longest, I mean, its sole purpose is for security. Why does he need to nurture it?

But coming home and seeing you laying on the couch with this massive dog serving as your personal weighted blanket, Joker slowly starts to warm up to the furry companion.

If it makes his Bunny happy then he can accept the dog can also double as an emotional support animal but it still has a job to do. Your safety is the number one priority here.

Imagine! You leave for a trip and ask Joker to dog sit for the week. What could possibly go wrong?

Joker wasn’t worried about looking after the mutt, he trained it well so he’s gone most of the time, leaving the dog alone in the apartment. Potty breaks are done on the balcony and you splurge on an automated water and food dispenser set on a timer. What else is there to do? You mentioned walks but Joker ain’t got time for that. He’s a busy criminal.

You really didn’t think this through.

Joker spent the last day chilling on the couch watching TV, waiting for six pm to roll around so he could ‘go to work’ when he hears the soft tink tink tinks of paws on your hardwood floors.

He hadn’t heard the dog all week, he kind of forgets it’s in the apartment, they’re so quiet.

Joker hates the sound of barking. That was the first lesson they were trained on. Silence.

Joker’s green eyes roam over to the dog that jumps on the couch and proceeds to take up well over half a section due to its massive size.

“No. Get down!” Joker calls to the animal, only to get an audible huff in response.

Did this dog just huff at him?

Joker tries again in a more authoritative voice, “I said.. GeT, down. Now.”

And again, it huffs and curls up for a quick nap. Using Joker’s lap as a pillow.

Joker is two seconds away from tossing the deaf mutt across the room but checks himself with a deep breath.

You would never forgive him if he harmed your beloved baby. This was a grown dog by the way, ain’t no baby to be found. You’ve been hard at work sabotaging the meticulous training Joker drilled into this mutt. The dog has fully transitioned into a pampered lifestyle.

Your furbaby may be spoiled but make no mistake. He still protec his mama when push came to shove.

Any deliveries to the penthouse are scared away by the massive dog answering the door. LEAVE IT AT THE FRONT DESK. Save everyone the trouble, mkay?

But anyways.. All this pampering, who’s such a good boy, thousands of treats, scheduled walks, and the fact that you let it sleep in the bed with you, wasn’t helping its true purpose! What did you do to your primary line of defense? This was a guard dog, not a show puppy!

Joker tried freeing his legs out from under the dog's weight, but it hardly budged. If anything it just snored louder.

Nothing was moving the giant and Joker could only imagine if there was an active intruder what the lazy animal would do. Absolutely nothing! That’s what.

Joker growled at being trapped on the couch but let things be. Tomorrow morning he was reprogramming this slouch back to the feral, home defense animal he trained it to be.

Completely unrelated: Joker fell asleep on the couch with the dog practically smothering him. 8/10 good night’s rest. Would do it again.

Morning came around and Joker dragged himself into the kitchen for a bite to eat only to find the dog already eating out of the customized doggie bowl you purchased online. You spoiled the mutt like it was a child! There was a tray with a non-slip mat to catch any spills but the dog ate delicately (something it picked up from you no doubt) and eyed him in passing.

Another unimpressed huff.

Could dogs even have attitudes? And after it had the audacity to use Joker like a pillow all night! Joker wouldn’t admit it aloud, but he could see why you nuzzled up to the mutt often. It made for a good cuddle buddy…

But Joker had a reputation to uphold!

He really wanted to punt kick the darn thing across the room but fixed himself a bite to eat instead. Once he finished they would make their way outside onto the balcony for some offensive training.

The man and dog found themselves outside where Joker wasted no time trying to retrain the dog into attacking if placed into such situations. But much to Joker’s shock, the dog found a squeaky toy penguin from your sunroom and played with it, completely ignoring Joker altogether. The constant sharp squeaks only made Joker angrier.

“Noooo it's noT playtimeee. You don’t play. You attack. You’re supposed to protect my Light ya big, overgrown..” Just then, Joker’s phone rang with your smiling face on the display.

Speak of an angel and you shall appear.

He answered the phone call and your voice floated on the breeze in greeting. Joker didn’t notice the dog’s ears perk up hearing you as well. It abandoned its toy to investigate.

“How are my boys doing?”

Joker grumbled but collapsed into a patio chair. “I’m bored without cha here, Bunny. You bro-ke the uh guard dog.”

“The what? You mean J?” You replied.

“...... uh noT me. The mutt I boughT to keep you safe.”

“J is not a mutt. He’s a (insert selected breed). But what do you mean he’s broken? Is J okay? Oh! I forgot to tell you about his midnight snack! He gets grumpy if you don’t let him brush his teeth before bed. It's a greenie rawhide I keep on top of the fridge...”

“You named it after me?”

“Stop calling J an it. He has a name; and not everything is about you. J is short for um… that doesn’t matter right now! Is he okay?” You heard the distinctive sound of a dog collar chiming in the background.

At least he was nearby. Joker hadn’t killed your tootsie roll yet which was a miracle in itself. Joker only had compassion for you, no one else.

“Light you sound more wor-ried about the, uh, dog than meee.” Joker whined through the phone.

How could you forget about your bigger baby? Joker was known for his bouts of jealousy. It was both cute and annoying. You rolled your eyes.

“I’m worried about both of my boys. Mama will be home soon so don’t fight each other! Oh, and can you do me a huge favor? Can you give J a bath? I know you can’t take him to his grooming appointment but he’s due for a love scrub. Everything is in the storage cabinet in the bathroom labeled in the order I use it in.” It was a stretch, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

“No.”

Yeah, you knew Joker wouldn’t go for it. “Please J?”

Joker watched the dog circle around the chair that he was seated in, a clear sign of restlessness. Maybe it picked up the stress in your voice? He watched its tail wag slowly in the air, trying to pinpoint where your voice was coming from. But with each passing minute it failed to find its owner, it gave up and sat by Joker’s heels.

Joker returned his focus back on the phone call. “Are ya asking me or the dog?”

“Ugghhghghgh you’re impossible to deal with! Hey I gotta go, the event is about to resume. Please bathe my baby and you better take a bath too, J! I saw the news earlier.. see you tomorrow!”

You hung up the phone before Joker could speak up.

The nerve you had. He’d have to punish you when you returned home from your business trip. He did quite a bit of evading the GCPD while working this week and could use a good shower but as for bathing the mutt?

His green eyes locked with the piercing black already staring at him. The dog licked its mouth and wagged its tail, waiting for its promised love scrub. He heard his Mama loud and clear. He never skipped a wash day.

Guess there was no avoiding this. Joker wondered if he could call Frost and his daughter to handle this…

You returned home the next day to quite the sight. J was on the loose, wet as a mop, with a distressed Joker stalking behind him, equally drenched.

Joker was a simp that couldn’t say no to you. He had no other choice but to bathe your dog or suffer your cold shoulder.

Joker stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted you still in your GothCon ensemble, standing in the doorway. You were doing a terrible job masking your peals of laughter.

“This… this. Oh… this is noT, funny doll.” He warned.

You burst out laughing when J came to greet you and shook himself dry, spraying Joker and the room with wet dog water. This was priceless!! And Joker looked ready to kill something. Hopefully not your beloved furbaby.

“I regreT buying you a dog.”

[bored-mumma]

Tom Holland Fluff Alphabet

MASTERLIST

A = Attractive. What do they find attractive about the other?

Personality wise, Tom loves your ability to laugh in most situations. No matter how stressed he is, you easily bring a smile to his face.

Physically, he finds your looks breath taking. Your  a priceless work of art to him.

B = Baby. Do they want a family? Why/Why not?

Yes, Tom is almost obsessed with the idea of having a family with you. He’s doing it all right. Got a house with a few spare bedrooms, proposed, got married, and now is waiting for the day you finally show him the positive test. It’s the life he’s always dreamt of. 

C = Cuddle. How do they cuddle?

Wrapped around you. Usually his arms are held around your waist, head resting on your chest and his legs tangled with yours too. He wants to feel your warmth and to just relax after a hard day.

D = Dates. What are dates with them like?

Not usually traditional ones. Instead of fancy restaurants, you can’t beat a late night drive to the beach, sitting in the car with a take away and singing very loudly and very badly to some love songs. Having fun is the most important part of your date nights.

E = Everything. You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…)

You are my best friend.

F = Feelings. When did they know they were falling in love?

You couldn’t see the floor from the amount of the snacks laid on it , you and Tom both wearing your comfiest pyjamas and snuggled up beneath some duvets. There was a raging storm outside so instead of a nice meal out, Tom ordered so much stuff to eat and some movies. He rested his head on your lap, your finger nails gently dragging along his skin. He wasn’t watching the movie though. Instead his eyes kept drifting up to you, realising just how much he has fallen in love with you. 

G = Gentle. Are they gentle? If so, how?

Very. In every way. He’ll hold you gently, he’ll comfort you gently. Even if you argue, he’ll still talk in a calm voice. You’ve never even heard him raise his voice let alone yell properly - especially at you. He’s definitely your gentle giant.

H = Holding Hands. How do they like to hold hands?

I = Impression. First impression/s?

Tom thought you were hilarious. In you walked, a large smile on your face and making everyone happy. You loved to make others happy and Tom was no exception. He introduced himself and the two of you hit it off almost immediately. It didn’t take long for him to ask you out - in fact he did so just three days later.

J- Joker. Are they into pulling pranks?

you tend to pull pranks on other people as a pair. He’ll randomly text you throughout the day saying he’s bored and the two of you will discuss how to pull a couple pranks on his co-workers. 

K = Kiss. How do they kiss?

Pretty gently. He puts his forehead on yours, holding your hands. He slowly leans in and presses his lips against yours, moving in sync. Although, of course, there are other times when its more feral. He’ll pull you towards him, claiming your lips as his own as his hands tangle in your hair. 

L = Love. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

Tom does. He was so excited to say it, he was acting like an over-energetic puppy! He made you your favourite breakfast one morning, along with a bouquet of your favourite flowers. Taking it up to you, you sat in the bed together and before you even had a chance to say thank you, Tom blurted “A beautiful breakfast for the beautiful woman i love.”

M = Memory. What’s their favourite memory together?

When you went to meet his family. He is really close with them all, and when you came in and just instantly clicked with everyone, Tom couldn’t help but sit back with a smile on his face. When everyone sat for dinner, Tom barely got a word in edge ways since his family was just adoring you and wanted to keep the conversation going. 

N = Nickel. Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?

You. Get. Everything. And I mean everything. When looking at buying your first house together, you had to get one with an extra bedroom just to store all the stuff he got you. Usually some random stuff he sees in shops that reminds him of you but it also includes stunning accessories, clothes, vintage books, literally everything

P = Petnames. What petnames do they use?

“babe” or “love”.

Q = Quaint. What is their favourite non-modern thing?

Tom loves to sow! It takes his mind of his hectic life just for a little while. A wall in the spare bedroom is just covered in his designs. Ones he’s most proud of but doesn’t want them hanging in the lounge. It’s also great for you. Rip in your favourite top? No problem, Tom can fix it.

R = Rainy Day

Board games! All and any! Except for monopoly, as experience taught you, that game brings out both your extreme competitive side. 

S = Sad. How do they cheer themselves/others up?

Tom is very good at talking about his feelings with you. If he’s down, he knows your the best shoulder to cry on and vice versa. He’ll always be there for you too. You may not be able to give him advice or to really help him out but just to have someone to hold, to cry to and talk to makes him feel safe. 

T = Talking. What do they like to talk about?

He loves a good gossip. Want to tell him a story about your co-workers having an affair? He’s all ears, throwing in a few gasps and questions too. He’s just nosy but so are you! So a perfect match. 

U = Unencumbered. What helps them relax?

A warm, deep bubble bath with some music playing softly, a good book and some snacks. It’s so relaxing there’s been a few times you’ve had to walk in the bathroom and wake him up from a nap.

V = Vaunt. What do they like to show off? 

He dances. All. The. Time. Either with you or just around you, he loves to dance. And you can’t deny, he’s got the moves! 

W = Wedding. When, how, where do they propose?

Coming home from a lunch date with some friends, you were looking forward to just relaxing at home since it was Toms night to cook. However, when you opened the front door, your eyes landed on the most beautiful sight. Your home was covered in flowers, some candles and a red carpet rolled down the middle. Except there was no sight of your partner. Calling out to him, you walked farther into the room when Tessa, your guys dog, ran out and down the red carpet, a little note wrapped around her collar. As you gave her a quick scratch behind the ears, you read the words “Will you marry me?” 

“What do you say?” You spin as you hear Tom speak from behind you, down on one knee and holding a stunning ring. 

X = Xylophone. What’s their song?

Lady in red

Y = You. You are the ___ to my ___ (e.g. the cookies to my milk, the macaroni to my cheese)

You are the straw to my berry

Z = Zebra. If they wanted a pet, what would they get?

Tom is very content with Tessa. Both of you love the staffy to pieces! But he’s very open at the idea of more dogs in the future. 

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #529: Shadow, The Ultimate, Precious Lifeform (SBBU)

9:45 a.m. at the Smash Mansion's Living Room.........

Ann/Haru: Awwwwwwwwwww!!~ So Preciooouussssss!!~

Makoto: (Smiles Softly) That was very sweet of you for what you did for the children last night, Shadow-san.

Futuba: (Smiles Brightly) I know, right?! It was one the best Goodnight Kisses Mona and I ever had!

Morgana: (Smiles Softly) Yeah. I'm honestly kind of glad Futuba talked me into going up to the halls with her.

Ryuji: (Chuckles Lightly) Ah dude! Compared to Ren-Ren over here, you really are the ultimate big brother.

Ren: Aside from that blatantly inaccurate nickname, Ryuji kind of have a point here. (Gives Shadow a Playful Smirk) As a fellow big bro myself, I would like to invite you to the Official " Cool Big Brothers Club" Population.......Just me.

Shadow: (Rolled his Eyes While Blushing in Embarrassment) Appreciate the invitation, Joker......

Sonic: (Place his Arm Around Shadow's Shoulder While Giving him a Playful Smirk) Look on the bright side, faker, at the very least, no one would think of you as an edgelord anymore. Just another softy with a heart of gold.

Shadow: (Glares at Rouge, Who is Sitting Next to Him) I blame you for this.......

Rouge: (Smirks Playfully Towards Shadow While Enjoying her Mug of Coffee) Oh don't be like that now, Shadow. You know just as much as I do that deep down, you're a huge sweetheart.

Futuba: That's right! You maybe a Edgelord to everyone else in the world....(Hugs Shadow from Behind) But you'll be our Ultimate Precious Sweetheart of a Hedgehog!

Shadow: Kind of tired of being called that really......

Yusuke: (Raised an Eyebrow in a Bit if Confusion) "A Precious Sweetheart"?

Shadow: No. It's being called "Edgelord". The more I hear people keep calling me that, the more I feel like the way they used that name as an actual insult to me. It almost feel like being called one in the first place, is the only thing I am to everyone...... Including you guys....

Ann: (Eyes Widened in a Bit of Shock) Seriously?

Haru: (Frowns Sadly) Oh, sweetheart.....We never think of you like that all at.

Makoto: She's right, Shadow-san. We know that you are far more than what everyone else think you are.

Shadow: You.... really mean that?

Ryuji: (Gives Shadow a Reassuring Smile) Yeah, man. I mean....You and your crew always fought for the what all of you believed in.

Morgana: You would always go to extreme and risk your lives to complete a mission and save those who are in harm's way.

Ren: (Smiles Softly) Even when the world itself would always give you a hard time, you never once thought about giving up on them. Even now.

Futuba: (Smiles Brightly) You're basically already a hero!!.....An anti hero, but still a hero!!

Shadow: (Couldn't Really Believe What He us Hearing)......You all really think that highly of me, do you?

Sonic: (Smiles Brightly) Of course we do, man. You're practically an inspiration to everyone at this point. (Gives Shadow a Thumbs Up) That alone shows how way past cool you really are.

Rouge: (Gently Place Her Hands onto Shadow's Cheeks) I already told you, didn't I? (Gives Shadow a Sincere Smile) We love you just the way you are, Shadow. That will never change.

Shadow: (Almost Speechless) W-Wow.....I-I-I....(Starts Blushing)....Had no idea all of you would think of me that way.......

Futuba: ('GASPS') You guys!!! Are you seeing this?!! (Smiles Brightly and Points at Shadow's Blush) He's blushing!!!~

Ann: (Eyes Widened in Surprise) Oh my god, Futuba, you're right!!! (Immediately Starts Gushing Over Shadow) It's sooooooo cuuuuuute!!!~

Haru: And precious!~ Please don't forget about precious!!~

Makoto: (Giggles Softly) Goodness. You really do look adorable, Shadow-san.

Rouge: (Shrugged While Smirking Playfully Again) What can I say, ladies? (Playfully Pinches Shadow's Cheek) This hedgehog here might be the most precious Ultimate Lifeform in the entire universe~ Isn't that right, Shadow?~

Shadow: ('Groans in Embarrassment')

Morgana: (Pat on Shadow's Back Reassuringly) Cheer up, Shadow. Being labeled as cute and adorable isn't too bad......Though, I'm gonna be honest....It's better you than me though.......

Haru: Mommy's gonna pinch your cute little cheeks soon, Mona-Chan!~ Don't you worry!

Futuba: I'mma pinch those cheeks too by the way!!!

Morgana: (Eyes Widened Before Sighing) Should've kept my mouth shut........

Yusuke: (Starts Staring at a Overly Embarrassed Hedgehog) Hmm...A Flustered Ultimate Lifeform.....Now that does sound fascinating already....

Ren: (Smirks a bit Evilly) Bet it makes you wanna make a painting of the whole thing, huh Yusuke?

Yusuke: (Pulls out his Sketch Book Out of Nowhere with a Somewhat Determined Look) Precisely.

Ryuji: (Burst out Laughing) Aha man!! That poor hedgehog gonna have a painting of him being cute and shit! This already too priceless!!

Sonic: (Starts Snickering) I'll do you one better.....(Turns to the Stairs) MOM! DAD! SHADOW IS OUT HERE BEING CUTE AND ADORABLE AGAIN!!!!!

Peach: (From Upstairs) OH MY GOSH!!! REALLY?!!!! YOU SWEETHEARTS WAIT RIGHT THERE!!! MOMMY AND AND DADDY ARE GETTING OURSELVES A CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT!!!

Mario: (From Upstairs) TELL SHADOW WE LOVE HIM!!!

Sonic: WILL DO!!!! (Turns Back to the Gain with a Smirk on his Face) Look alive, folks. We're gonna make ourselves a Photo Album today.

Ryuji: ('Heh' 'Heh') (Gives Sonic a Fist Bump) Nice.

Shadow: I hate all of you with an immense passion right now......

Futuba: (Gives Shadow a Sad Puppy Dog Face) No you don't!!

Ann/Haru: (Give Shadow Sad Puppy Dog Eyes Too) You love us!!

Shadow: ('Sighs in Defeat') Okay, fine. I do love you people......

Futuba/Ann/Haru: (Smiles Brightly Again) Yay!~

Rouge: (Gives Shadow a Small Kiss on the Forehead While Still Pinching his Cheek) We love you too, Shadow. A lot more than you probably never realized

Shadow: ('Hmph') (Looks Away While Blushing a Little) Whatever........... (So.....This is what it feels like being with a group of people you considered as family......Hmph. This.....(Smiles a Little) Actually feels nice.....I like it. A lot.)

@keyenuta

@26shann

@cyber-wildcat

@princeoflions123

@albion-93

@ma-lemons

@italian-love-cake

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love: Chapter 9

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

Chapter 9: 4 AM Stroll 

Maybe she was up a little too late. Or too early, depending on whose standards. But Shepard needed a hot drink and she needed to remember that the emptiness in these halls, and the calm across the Galaxy, was very temporary.

She and Garrus had been having a movie marathon in her room, as many James Bond films as they could stomach. There were over 50 movies (the franchise's popularity never quite waned when Bond could just evolve with the times; there was even a turian MI6 agent when the military was trying to improve relations with them). Her dad had only collected so many copies of the movies, though. She was definitely missing a ton of the older ones. But they'd made it about halfway, to one called Spectre (fitting title), when she realized Garrus fell asleep on her couch.

But with Garrus out for the count, Anya stopped the film and decided to get her sleepless ass a drink. Earl Grey tea, a favorite. She sipped it in the mess hall, alone, trying to organize her thoughts, but she was just tired. Sleeping had been harder the past few days. It was hard to ignore the fact that in only a little over a week, and he'd be gone.

She'd lived 29 years with no stubborn turian snipers by her side. So why did it feel so bizarre to think of life without him?

Anyway, it wasn't like she'd never see him. Hell, if he did end up a Spectre, they could run into each other out on missions. It'd be likely, even. They could probably catch up then.

Damn, did that sound more depressing than she meant it to be.

Just as she was about to punch herself in her own tragic sentimentality, she watched Kaidan stumble out of the science office and through the med bay. Her eyebrows were raised the entire time she looked at him. The guy looked pretty flustered, his hair even messier than that awkward Ilos conversation.

Anya couldn't help herself. As he walked out of med bay, she said, "On a 4 am stroll, Alenko?" The second his eyes met hers, they were filled with this existential dread that was partially amusing and another part offensive. Was she really that scary now? Sighing, she dropped the jeering Commander schtick. "I'll stop the taunting there. Could we sit down and talk like adults? Because I think we've both done things we regret the past few weeks."

Kaidan didn't look too thrilled, but he sat down. "Okay, Commander."

"I mean, if you want to leave, it wasn't an order. Granted, I do have Asari-related blackmail on you now if you don't, so I guess make your choice accordingly."

Sitting across from her, he still didn't look too comfortable. But he did have the faintest wisp of a smile on his face. "I'll stay."

"Good." Anya sipped her tea and drummed her fingers on the mug. "Kaidan, I'm sorry I was so tough on you before Ilos. I was stressed and grieving. You have the right to have feelings. I'm just sorry they were for me."

"It's okay, Shepard. I think after Ash, I jumped myself through a lot of mental hoops to feel like I had something real with you."

"You still have something real. I still care about every single member on this team like they're my family. And that includes you."

Kaidan shook his head, chuckled low. It was like stabbing pin needles against her arteries, just begging for her heart to burst. She never wanted to do this to him. "No offense, Commander, but that's easy for you to say when you're the one trying to let someone down easy."

"I've been on the other side. I know it hurts."

"You? Really?"

Shepard laughed, but dread pooled in her stomach. She was going to have to get into that story to make him feel better, wasn't she? "When I was at the Academy, there was another student, Rike. He was from Australia. I hadn't met many people actually born on Earth who grew up there, too. And yeah, give me shit later about how you're like that. But he was breezy and open, where I grew up with my boots laced and my emotions in a locked cage. I was crazy about him. But when I told him how I felt, he wasn't interested." Anya snorted, even though it still kinda stung. "He actually admitted he had an Asari girlfriend and then followed up the rejection by asking me how to propose. Apparently he wasn't the most tactful guy."

"Are you saying at least you didn't ask me for romantic tips?"

"No. I'm saying romance is a mess and everyone gets rejected." Anya ran a hand through her hair and leaned back in her chair. She didn't know why it felt so important to fix things with him, but maybe it had to do with the fact he was the only one left in her new "family" that might actually stay. "It's your call for what you want moving forward. But I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not embarrassed or mad with you. I just want to be your friend. And you don't have to be, and you can take all the time away from the Normandy that you need. This doesn't have to go one specific, uncomfortable, embarrassing way. But if you want it, you can still be the best damn Alliance soldier on the Normandy."

Kaidan's smile grew then, looking down into his palms. "When we hit the Citadel, I do think I'll take some time. But you're right, we're a good team. I'll stay, as long as you never bring up the fact I tried to kiss you ever again."

"Deal." Anya tried to ignore it, she really did, but the fact his shirt was on inside out was really starting to kill her. "So, you and Liara...?"

"Also don't mention that."

"Fair." Looking down into her own glass, she couldn't help but add, "But I'm happy whenever my officers are happy." Kaidan didn't seem to have an answer to that, but speaking of officer's happiness... "I should tell you that you that avoiding me has been putting our pilot on the fritz. Just start doing target practice with us again, okay? Joker's not used to so much attention. It gives him hives."

"I figured that he never really got himself all the way down to the storage bay."

"Absolutely not, it has some steep stairs and the door jams. Dude would break something just trying to get in."

Kaidan chuckled and said, "Yeah, fine. I'll be there tomorrow to get the old assault rifle tuned." Then he looked at her, and it was nice to see him look at her without shame or lust. Didn't mean his raised eyebrow didn't perplex her. "What are you doing up in the first place, though?"

"Trouble sleeping."

"Does it have anything to do with the fact that you want me to stay? And don't worry, I know you meant it in a platonic way."

Anya was used to throwing double meanings, doing her officers' questions about her motives, but it was like Kaidan saw right through her and she didn't know what to say. It didn't make her love him, but it did make her respect him more. Maybe he did have his head further out of his ass than she expected. Rubbing her neck, she admitted, "Everyone's leaving. And more than I'd like to admit, as much as I've inspired everyone, I didn't want any of them to leave. But now it's just you and me and despite all our bullshit I don't want to lose you, too."

"That was refreshingly honest."

Laughing, Anya didn't realize how much she'd missed talking to him like a friend. Before he got those obvious puppy dog eyes, he was one of her favorite people on the ship. Like a good old fashioned soldier but somehow, still different. "I hope this doesn't sting too much, but I'm really happy you're my friend, Kaidan."

"I'm happy to be yours, too, Commander. But now I'm going to bed." He stood up from his chair and, even though his smile was still a little awkward and things between them still had a long way to go, it was something.

Shepard waved in his direction as he walked off, waiting until he was out of sight to down her own tea. Then the embarrassing, asshole teenage smirking came. She needed to talk to someone, and she only really had one option. But he probably was the only person she'd want to tell anyway.

Walking a little too brisk back to her room, she opened it to see Garrus curled up like a damn kitten on her couch. But she couldn't keep her mouth shut, so the man was going to wake up whether he liked it or not.

Tossing a polar bear plush from Joker at his face, he stiff armed the thing and nearly fell off the couch. "Wha-"

Anya interrupted him as fast as she could. "Kaidan and Liara hooked up."

He sat up and scratched his head. "May I repeat: what?"

Looking at Garrus, Anya didn't really care if he was all that awake. "I just caught Kaidan doing the walk of shame out of Liara's room."

"Huh. So when you turned down both of them, they turned to each other?"

"I have been waiting all mission to report somebody was hooking up with somebody and it finally happened. And even better, it wasn't me!"

Garrus snorted, still rubbing away some sleepiness from his eyes. "You're being an absolute child. Why are you so excited?"

"Because I just won the dating pool."

The slow realization that fell over his face was priceless. He smiled at her with bewilderment, but still threw the polar bear back at her head. "Shepard, you hated that pool."

"And I voted Kaidan and Liara as a joke, but guess who was right after all? The second they go public, I get to laugh at everyone else who was trying to say I'd get with them. And like 1,000 credits." She sniggered, probably a little too much, but the entire thing was absolutely priceless. "Oh, but don't tell Kaidan I told you. I said I wouldn't talk about it."

"Some days I think the galaxy needs to save you, not the other way around."

"And some days you're probably right." Anya flopped down onto the couch and leaned into his shoulder. She wanted to say: I never want this week to be over. But she couldn't say that, not when she knew that if he thought she needed him, he would stay. He was too good a guy for that. So instead, Anya said, "Now where were we?"

Garrus growled at her, "Sleeping."

"We can sleep when we're dead."

"Fine, but you better keep it interesting." Before she could answer, he leaned into the side of the couch, adjusting to her weight on his side, and shoved the pillow he once was sleeping on into her face. "Who am I kidding? I'll be lucky if you ever let me die in the first place."

"You're stuck with me forever, Vakarian... Or at least until next week."

Things between them got silent for a little while, but then he put his arm around her shoulder. She was starting to love when he did that, because it always was when he was about to say something that made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. And battle-ready commanders didn't get to feel fuzzy too often. It made everything that was eating out her about the next week feel a lot less overwhelming. "Don't worry. No matter where I go, I'll be stuck with you. Forever."

///

I hope you guys enjoy my awkward Anya and Garrus just as much as I do <3 So many more chapters to come! On AO3, this story is at 20+ chapters, so we’re catching up slowly but surely. 

Thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

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If you'd like to support the story, please go check out my bio for more info :) All proceeds will be going towards a gaming desktop so my lovely sass can game on Twitch with fans (also read/write new fanfics or original stories!) 

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[camillemontespan]

the abc of love [drake and camille]

For those who wish to know more about Dramille (yes that’s their couple name which I’ve just made up on the spot, come at me!)

@cora-nova thanks for creating these amazing questions, I enjoyed filling them out!

TAG LIST IN CASE YOU WANT TO READ AND MAYBE DO YOURSELVES FOR YOUR OTPS:

@sirbeepsalot @pug-bitch @jovialyouthmusic @katedrakeohd @drakesensworld @notoriouscs @moonlightgem7 @ifyouseekheart

1. A - ANNIVERSARIES

They always celebrate their relationship anniversary. They do the same thing each year - sit in front of the fire out on the terrace and make smores. It’s simple but it’s cute and it suits them perfectly.

2. B - BELIEFS

Camille likes to think there is something after death. Drake is the opposite- he doesn’t believe in God and he thinks that once you’re dead, you’re dead. 

Camille says she doesn’t believe in star signs but she will still sneak a peak in the horoscope section of magazines, you know, just in case. 

3. C - COLLECTABLES

Drake has kept the receipt of their first dinner date together. He also has an album on his phone which are just photos he has taken of Camille. He looks at it whenever he misses her or just wants to feel warm and fuzzy.

Camille got into scrapbooking, thanks to Maxwell. She keeps photos, receipts, restaurant napkins, theatre tickets... everything they have done, she will keep a memento of. 

4. D - DRINKS & FOOD

Drake does most of the cooking, which is surprising to some people - they only see him when he is mocking the tiny finger food at court. When he cooks, he prepares hearty meals that are meant to be feasted on. 

Camille likes white wine. She also loves Espresso Martinis, which are perfect for a night out because it gets you drunk and keeps you awake at the same time. Drake thinks cocktails are unnecessary but if Camille asks him to join in, he will. He will always choose a Manhattan (unless he is at brunch and has a mimosa. More on that later).

They both love going to this seafood restaurant that is right by the harbour in Cordonia’s Old Town. The fish is caught that day and they will both sit outside, looking out at the harbour, eating grilled fish and drinking white wine (Drake will actually drink white wine if he is having fish, and red wine if he is having steak). 

Camille’s comfort food is mac n cheese as it reminds her of home.

5. E - EXERCISE

Camille enjoys barre class, Pilates and spinning. Drake prefers just sweating it out in the gym, but if it’s a sunny day, he will hike up the mountains. He feels free when he is high up, away from civilisation. 

They both watch NFL. Camille supports the Giants, Drake obviously supports the Texans. They host Superbowl at their house every year, which is always fun as they get really into it, with bets and hotdogs and whiskey. Hana and Maxwell don’t understand the rules, Liam is too busy checking his work emails and Olivia gets bored but they enjoy the entertainment. 

6. F - FIRST

Their first dance was at a ball in court and both wanted the other but couldn’t do anything about it. For Drake, that first dance was torture as he held her close, wishing he could kiss her.

Their first kiss was over a bottle of whiskey. Drake remembers Camille tasting of whiskey and watermelon lip balm. 

Their first time together was, again, after drinking whiskey. Drake had taken her back to her room to sleep off the whiskey but before she could go, he couldn’t help himself and kissed her. One thing led to another..

7. G - GOLD

They both don’t care for wealth or material possessions. Camille was working class and got her first job aged 14 to help her grandmother with the rent, food shopping, bills. She views money as a way to survive; not to flash the cash and spend on designer items or cars. 

Drake’s most prized possession is his grandmother’s engagement ring, which he proposed to Camille with. To him, it is priceless.

8. H - HOME

Camille’s parents died when she was five from a drug overdose. Camille was adopted by her grandmother, Gisele. They lived in a small house in the outskirts of New York. Camille is part French on her grandmother’s side - they are descendants of Madame de Montespan, mistress of Louis XIV. Gisele always talked about it - Camille doesn’t as she thinks nobody would believe her, plus she doesn’t like to brag.

Drake visited the ranch in Texas every summer and it’s a place where he feels happiest. 

9. I - ISSUES

Camille isn’t keen on Kiara (Kinky Kiara). They sometimes argue when Drake starts thinking that he doesn’t deserve this life, which Camille always takes  great pains to tell him he does.

10. J - JOLLY JOKER

Drake loves humour when comedians say the very thing they shouldn’t. Anything that’s controversial, Drake likes. 

Camille is incredibly ticklish and Drake knows it. Drake takes advantage of this all the time. 

11. K - KIDS

Camille loves babies and gets broody easily. Since she lost her parents so young, she has always wanted babies and a home to create. 

When they had Lily, Drake was over protective from the start. He would watch over her while she slept, scared she would stop breathing. 

Camille is very hands on and loves Lily with every fibre of her being. This child will never feel lonely or lost.

12. L - LOOK

Camille will wear Prada, Gucci and Chanel when she is on Duchess duty. When she is off duty, she likes to wear Anthropologie and The Kooples. She takes skincare seriously, and has the wrinkle free skin to prove it, and her favourite perfume is Gabrielle by Chanel - her mother was called Gabrielle, so the perfume holds a special meaning to her. 

Drake relies on the old faithful - denim shirt and jeans. But, when he suits up for court events, he really suits up. Armani suits. His favourite perfume is Bleu de Chanel, which smells woody and masculine.

13. M - MEDIA

Drake doesn’t like social media as he doesn’t see the point in it. Who cares what you ate for dinner? Why are people taking photos of their dinners? 

They both have Netflix. Drake likes Stranger Things (he fancies Nancy). Camille loves Queer Eye (can you believe?!)

14. N - NETWORK

Their core group consists of Liam, Maxwell, Hana and Olivia. They don’t like Madeleine but will tolerate her if she is around. Camille is the people person of the relationship; she sparkles and knows all the right anecdotes. Bertrand taught her well. 

15. O - OBLIGATIONS

Camille focuses more on Duchess duties. She hosts an open house every Thursday from 1-4, a tradition that was abandoned more than 200 years ago but which she has brought back. It means the citizens of Valtoria can visit the estate and speak to her in person regarding any issues they have.  Drake deals with things around the estate such as land conservation. 

16. P - PAMPERING

Camille goes to the spa with Hana and Olivia once a month. Drake likes the plunge pool.

Drake makes Camille breakfast in bed every Sunday. It is their couple time. They will sip coffee, eat waffles with nutella and bananas and read their papers. Sometimes, if he is feeling fun, he will make them mimosas (Hana introduced him to mimosas and he was ashamed to really like it).

17. Q - QUESTIONS

They are both private about their personal life as they don’t court attention. They share everything - Camille had to teach Drake to trust her with his secrets. It was another wall which she broke down.

18. R - ROUTINE

They both get up at 8am to have breakfast on their balcony. Camille attends meetings and Drake talks to landowners. They both have a meeting together for one hour in which they discuss their duties, progress etc but after that, they talk about normal things. They have dinner together every evening and they don’t talk about work.

19. S - SENSUALITY

They both love sex. They are both passionate and like to focus on the other. Drake is very generous and gives all of himself to her. They aren’t crazy in the bedroom but they have handcuffs and have used hot wax before. The balcony is one of their favourite places to have sex. Camille likes to be dominated over; any time he picks her up against a wall, she loves it. 

20. T - TOGETHER

They are such a cosy couple. They are always touching; whether its kissing or holding hands, they find a way to touch. Olivia says they are sickening.

21. U - UPS & DOWNS

For Drake, he only needs Camille and their daughter to be happy. 

He likes the simple things. He loves whiskey, the outdoors, the smell of wood burning in a fire. Texas. Endless summers in Texas. He loves the scent of Camille’s hair - coconut- and her watermelon lipbalm when she kisses him. 

Camille loves Drake and Lily. She adores their dog, Maxwell, named after their friend of course, and she loves New York. 

Camille is the eternal optimist while Drake can be very pessimistic. 

22. V - VACATION

They enjoy hiking up the mountains and city breaks. Rome was a particular favourite of theirs as they wandered round the city unnoticed, getting drunk on wine and overeating on pizza and pasta.

23. W - WEDDING

They married at the Walker ranch at sunset. Camille had planned most of it and had kept the location secret from Drake until she was forced to tell him (basically when the invitations were ready to be posted).  He got quite emotional and had to have a moment alone. So much joy.

They spent their wedding night by the lake at the ranch. It was really warm outside and they hadn’t wanted to be cooped up indoors. Drake found pillows and blankets and they consummated their marriage by the lake. 

24. X - EXs

Drake has slept around but has no ex-girlfriends. He didn’t think any girl deserved to be ‘saddled’ with him so he made sure he was distant and aloof. It didn’t work; the ladies loved it, wanting the chance to ‘help him’. He didn’t like many of the girls at court anyway as they were too spoiled or giggly or annoying. 

Camille had a boyfriend when she was 7 years old called Patrick which lasted one day. When she was 16, she had a boyfriend called James who she was with for two years. 

25. Y - YELLING

Camille gets emotional. Drake is rational. This swaps around when Drake is drunk; if they fight when they’ve been drinking, he shouts. Camille will treat him like a child, which only annoys him more. 

They fight when Drake relies too much on whiskey to cloud his negative thoughts. 

Camille is fantastic at the silent treatment. 

26. Z - ZOOM

They were made for each other. Drake can now die a happy man having been with her and Camille finally feels safe and loved and wanted. They are best friends wrapped up as lovers.

[thedcdunce]

The Riddler

“The future is a riddle only time can solve!” - The Riddler

Real Name: Edward Nashton

Aliases: 

Enigma

Edward Nigma

Gender: Male

Height: 6′ 1″

Weight: 183 lbs (83 kg)

Eyes: Blue

Hair: Black

Abilities:

Genius Level Intellect

Investigation

Escapology

Weaknesses:

Obsession

Equipment:

Riddler’s Staff

Universe: New Earth

Base of Operations: Gotham City

Marital Status: Single

Citizenship: American

First Appearance: Detective Comics #140 (October, 1948)

Abilities

Genius Level Intellect: The Riddler is a supreme problem-solver, criminal mastermind. He is a genius with brilliant deductive power. His mind excels with puzzles, minds games, and manipulations. Investigation: He possesses great deductive skills and analytic ability. Escapology: Riddler is adept in escapology. Since childhood Edward has been a big fan of the late great Harold Houdini. Using this skill to build his infamous elaborate death traps and easily escape handcuffs. Like the Joker, he can escape the high security hospital Arkham Asylum whenever he pleases.

Weaknesses

Obsession: His riddles are in fact a bizarre obsessive compulsion; his attempts to stop himself from sending them has met with failure time and time again. This extends to the fact he cannot simply kill his opponents when he has the upper hand, but prefers to put them in a deathtrap to see if he can devise a life and death intellectual challenge that the hero cannot escape. However, compared to Batman's other themed enemies, Riddler's compulsion is quite flexible, allowing him to commit any crime as long as he can describe it in a riddle or puzzle.

Equipment

Riddler's staff

History

Edward Nashton, who later changed his name to Edward Nigma, is the super-villain known as the Riddler. His signature gimmick is committing high-profile crimes, and giving clues or hints to law enforcement. This has made him an enemy of the Batman in Gotham City. The riddles are a compulsive obsession to prove he is smarter than others, and this has made him an occasional patient in Arkham Asylum.

Origins

Edward Nashton was born into a broken home. His mother was absent and his father was abusive. When Edward was a young boy, he became excited at the idea of winning a puzzle contest at school. To increase his likelihood of winning, Edward sneaked into school during the night and practiced the puzzle until he could solve it with ease. He ended up winning, and was awarded a riddle book as a prize. Since that time, he has mastered puzzles, mind games, and riddles.

Edward was profoundly intelligent and would pass tests with apparent ease, something his father, out of jealousy, couldn't or wouldn't believe; he therefore attributed his success to cheating and started beating on him to keep him 'out of trouble,' or to stop him from lying. Out of the abuse, Edward developed a compulsion he has became known for, he constantly endeavors to tell the truth to prove his innocence. This is where his obsession with riddles comes from. Unfortunately, the abuse is also a main factor that drove him mad and to a life of crime.

The Riddler

When Edward got older, he left home and became a carnival performer, using his skills to cheat carnival-goers out of their money. But this was not enough for him. He longed for something more, and became the Riddler, at the same time changing his name to Edward Nigma, picking The Batman as an adversary, as he believes him to be an intelligent and more-than-worthy opponent.

Starting out as a simple informant and criminal profiler for the underworld of Gotham City, as well as for Batman, the Riddler slowly became more of a villain to Batman. It wasn't long before he became a main adversary to the Caped Crusader, constantly testing his analytical abilities to their limits.

The Long Halloween

During the events of the Long Halloween the Riddler became an informant for Gotham city crime lord Carmine Falcone. When a serial killer known as Holiday began targeting Falcone's associates, Carmine hired the Riddler to discover the killer's identity. However, the Riddler's results displeased Falcone, and the gangster even laughed at him, when the Riddler suggested that Carmine himself was the killer. The Riddler later became one of Holiday's victims, but much to the Riddler's confusion, was purposely left unharmed. A year later, Batman consulted Riddler about a second Holiday killer called Hangman.

Career Criminal

Over the years, the Riddler would earn his living through various heists and robberies, working his way up the criminal food chain, eventually even securing himself a couple of henchwomen to do his bidding. Later in his career, after his exploits have been well established for some time, he attempts a heist in Manchester, Alabama, only to be thwarted by Impulse, whose problem-solving skills he severely underestimates after Impulse initially confuses him for The Question.

Dark Knight, Dark City

The Riddler becomes darker and more bloodthirsty when he takes an interest in occult rituals. He discovers instructions on how to tame a bat daemon called Barbatos, originally summoned by Thomas Jefferson. The Riddler leads Batman around the city with a series of riddles, designed to prepare Batman as a demonic sacrifice. To make Batman chase him, he kidnaps four babies. He tricks Batman into kissing a hanged man through CPR, and covers him in blood at a transfusion center. The next step is a dance with the dead, accomplished through zombie robots, then slaying a dog with silver. He forces Batman to slit the throat of an unbaptized child, by leaving him with a baby who needs an emergency tracheotomy. Finally he makes Batman do an acrobatic dance in front of a goat representing the devil, by attacking him with a flamethrower. Batman is captured and tied to an altar. The Riddler prepares to stab Batman in the heart, but the demon Barbatos intervenes to stop him. The Riddler flees in terror and torches the building, but Batman is able to escape.

Knightfall

Riddler was back in action, but he was attacked by Bane, who dosed Riddler with Venom. Batman tried to stop Riddler, but he was too strong and Batman was tired. Bane's henchmen shot Riddler under Bane's command leaving Riddler badly injured.

His stay in Arkham was short lived as Bane released all the inmates as a plan to eliminate Batman. Riddler escaped as well, gathered his old gang and started planning his next move. Riddler sent a letter to the Gotham City Police Department, but they were too busy with all the other criminals from Arkham and Riddler's letters got overlooked in the situation. After a while, his own henchmen got tired of waiting for the police to notice the clues and they ditched Riddler out of the score. On an attempt to be noticed, Riddler went to a live TV broadcast, armed with bombs and took over the show. He delivered his riddles to the audience, but nobody was able to answer them. Riddler was soon stopped by Robin, who watched the TV, learned of his move and arrived at the TV station in no time. The bomb turned out to be fake and Riddler was captured and taken back to Arkham.

Hush

The Riddler is diagnosed with terminal cancer, so he cures himself by stealing one of Ra's al Ghul's Lazarus Pits. This grants him a temporary clarity, and he finally figures out that Bruce Wayne is Batman. He tries to sell this cure to a rich doctor named Thomas Elliot, whose parents also died of cancer. Elliot hates Bruce Wayne, and they decide to work together to destroy Batman. Elliot becomes the villain Hush, and the Riddler designs an intricate plan. This involves enlisting or manipulating Catwoman, Clayface, Harley Quinn, Huntress, Jason Todd, The Joker, Killer Croc, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, and Superman. Batman and Nightwing actually fight the Riddler during this time when he robs an armored car. They assume the Riddler is too pathetic to be involved. Hush loses to Batman, and Batman figures out that the Riddler was the mastermind. Batman explains that a riddle everyone knows the answer to is worthless, so he knows the Riddler will keep his secret. Ra's al Ghul will also have his League of Assassins kill the Riddler if they ever discover what happened. Batman punches the Riddler, tells a security guard that he fell, and leaves Arkham Asylum.

After the Hush incident, Riddler escaped from Arkham and sought Poison Ivy's protection from Hush and from the League of Assassins. However, Ivy was equally mad at him after he used her on his "Hush" scheme and she attacked Riddler as soon as he stepped into her lair. Riddler tried to escape, but Ivy wouldn't let him go. Riddler finally gave up and asked Ivy to kill him and finish his pain. However, she refused, leaving Riddler helpless in a catatonic state.

Downfall and New Start

Later, Elliott reappeared demanding from the Riddler the location of the Lazarus Pit. When Riddler refused to answer, he was brutally beaten. Seeking refuge, the Riddler went to the Joker and the Penguin. He tries to bargain with the Joker for asylum and he agrees but eventually his safety is compromised and he is forced to go on the run again. He asks Poison Ivy for asylum, both of whom remembered his manipulation and the meeting didn't go well. At a loss, the Riddler went into a downward spiral of insanity and became homeless. He eventually was found by a ex-NASA decoder who helped him recover his mind. It is during this time that the Riddler has an induced flashback about his childhood, he comes to the realization of what happened when he was abused and why. He also deduces the reason behind why he has the compulsion he has for riddles.

Using his vast fortune, acquired over many years of crime, he gets minor plastic surgery and extensive tattooing. He covers the majority of his torso with his trademark question mark insignia. He kills the Codebreaker, who has discovered his secret identity and steals a priceless scroll, before Batman can get to it. It was at this time that Riddler starting amassing a huge fortune legally and attacking various heroes to prove his abilities.

During this time, he had a run in with Green Arrow, Arsenal and the Outsiders. The Riddler is up for revenge against his defeat by the Green Arrow and he brutally injures and almost kills the the two archers. If not for the timely arrival of the Outsiders they may have been killed. Before these events, the Riddler was hired to steal artifacts imbued with mystical powers from one of Star City's museums, and then distract the authorities so that the related rituals could be commenced. He sends Team Arrow on a wild goose chase around the City, and then reveals that he has an atomic bomb housed in the stadium where the Star City Rockets play. However, as a side effect of the ritual performed with the artifacts, the city is plunged into complete darkness, and Green Arrow uses this to his advantage, to capture the Riddler.

Infinite Crisis

The Riddler was with a group of villains attacking the Gotham City Police Department. He later escaped from Arkham Asylum after a worldwide breakout by the Secret Society of Super Villains. He then is along with the Society when they attack Metropolis. He is defeated by the Shining Knight and is struck in the head by the Knight's mace.

One Year Later

The Riddler was sent into a coma when he was hit in the head by the Shining Knight's mace. When the Riddler awoke a year later, without his obsessive compulsive fixation for riddles but still possesses his great intellect and enormous ego. He also suffers from memory loss forgetting his own name for a while and not remembering that Bruce Wayne is Batman, but he is suspicious. With the Penguin's advice, he was reformed and then became a private investigator at which he legally develops even more of a fortune. He was finally on the right side of the law using his great talents for the good of the people.

He even becomes involved in a ship bound murder mystery alongside Batman, while deducing a part of the mystery, Batman deduces the real reason. In the end they both did there part in solving the crime and have become hostile allies. He is then hired by Bruce Wayne to find a experimental drug stolen from Wayne Enterprises. In the end with the help of a reformed Harley Quinn he gets the drug back and returns it to the rightful owners.

In a run in with Mary Marvel he describes to her how he is reformed, the two then join forces against Clayface, where Edward gets to see up front how twisted and cruel she has become with a great power. He suggests that she gets a mentor or some anger management.

Even Nightwing hired him to find out who was behind recent string of museum robberies, whom he later saves from gang warfare while investigating Penguin's involvement in organized crime. He later deduces that Nightwing is Dick Grayson.

During his time as detective, word about Batman's death started to spread. As crime became more violent in Gotham, he was approached by Penguin who wanted Nigma's service as an investigator to find the new Black Mask that started operating in Gotham. To help his investigation, he recruited Harley Quinn and later Poison Ivy joined their efforts. On this quest, Riddler became the man who helped Quinn, Ivy and Catwoman to become a team.

Fun Facts

In many other realities, the Riddler's birth name is Edward Nigma, Edward Nygma, E. Nigma or even Edward E. Nigma. However, the New Earth Riddler was born Edward Nashton and changed his name to Edward Nigma later in life.

Jim Gordon has mentioned that several Gotham criminals have their own codewords. These are special phrases they can say when they call the GCPD, to distinguish them from prank phone calls. The Riddler chose "Oedipus" as his codeword, because Oedipus solved the riddle of the Sphinx. Gordon remarks that this is strange, because medical records suggest the Riddler hated his own mother. The Riddler's codeword for Batman is "The Hanging Man."

The Riddler's online screen name is "Wizard101." This might be a reference to the game of the same name, which was released the same year as Detective Comics #845, the issue where this username was used.

[royal-writer]

Kids in a Candy Store

Things I enjoy: 1) fresh new relationships that make people act like stupid horny teenagers and 2) Abe's inability to read suggestive and flirty behavior even when it's slapped in front of his face.

There was too much to love about the way she laughed. Giddy, breathless, a glass filled to the top with a fountain of champagne bubbles soft and overflowing with a sparkling light. He loved the way she loved in equal measure to her soft lips, and the smile that she wore on them. It was the best part part of her look. You couldn’t pay for a piece of jewelry or piece of apparel with even an ounce as much shine value. She was priceless.

Squinting her eyes as she giggled, Essätha turned her face to offer her cheek to the eager lips kissing her face. They obliged her a moment’s breath. Grinning against her face, trailing against the apple of her cheek and down to her jawline. His curled whiskers still teasing her, rubbing against her neck and burning a warm friction against her face.

“Stop that, you know that tickles!”

“But I adore your laughter,” he counters, nuzzling his face against her bare shoulder. He continues the line of kisses, smothering himself there so his beard rasps against her skin.

“And I want to be able to breathe, m’lord,” she stressed, snickering.

Amon smirked gleefully to himself. The soft laughter turned into a shaky gasp as he slid a hand up her abdomen. Her stomach tightened reflexively as a tense shiver raked down her spine.

Shooting down an accusatory look, Essie caught sight of the flirty impish grin shaping his rounded cheeks and lighting his dark gaze. She offered him a scowl in reply. It was difficult not to squirm as he skimmed his rough palms upward, teasing the shape of her breast.

“This doesn’t seem so ticklish.”

“You watch where you put that mouth of yours, and maybe it won’t have to be.”

His face lit up with the aspect of a challenge. Why in the gods name did she even offer it?

To her surprise, he did not rub his face into her to cause another swell of laughter. With a soft series of kisses he moved lower. Her breath escalated into a pitiful mewl of desire, wrapping her fingers into the depth of his hair to pull him closer.

She was perfectly fooled. A throaty moan that had his senses firing. The dab of perfume on her throat, a subtle vanilla with jasmine that seemed enhanced with the heat of her skin. He came to a pause with the scent still clinging to him as his nose skimmed the opening of her shirt.

Her breath hitched beautifully.

With a mischievous glint in his eyes, he burrowed his face into her chest.

Essätha squealed, sharply yanking his hair by the roots as snorts of laughter escaped her.

“Staahhahaoop!”

A groan rumbled out of Amon’s chest.

“Watch the hair, Ess’,” he rasped. “You’re pulling it like we’re beneath the sheets.”

Her tongue darted out over her lips, savoring his words as he peered up at her. His accusation turned to want in the deep pools of his gaze. A hard swallow. Still nested against her bosom, his fingertips stroking the front of her shirt.

But she loved his eyes most of all. They were vulnerable. Open books without cautious hands ready to slam shut the pages. The best sort of unguarded doors, that allowed her to walk right in and see the divine beauty of his soul. It was marked with grief, but gentle. Illuminated with softened edges; filled with all the things she admired about him.

He was beautiful. Everything about him was beautiful. He withstood hurricane force winds and seasons of terrible drought; his soul unnourished, his heart unwilling to bend or break. He was a charming looking man. Easy to fall for from his looks alone. But where people would see his stains and grimace, she saw only strength.

“Maybe I want to be beneath the sheets,” she purred, gripping his shoulder as her fingers carded through his hair.

“Even if my beard tickles you?” Amon murmured, placing a sinfully sweet kiss against her cleavage.

Her lips twitched, trying not to allow herself to smile too deeply at the stupidly adorable puppy-dog look of innocent eyes and mocking in his voice.

“I’m just glad it tickles, rather than itches.”

“I maintain my beard,” the nobleman defended shrewdly.

“I know,” she snickered. “I do like the rosemary and grape seed oil you use. It smells enchanting.”

“Mmmm, not as good as you smell,” he breathed in a hush, swiping his tongue against the top of her breast. “I could eat you up.”

A snort of laughter filled her lungs. Since when had she been dating the big bad wolf?

Amon grunted quietly, sliding his hand down her waist, over her hips, and back up as his fingers brushed beneath the hem. Her softened moan pressed to the top of his hairline where she kissed. He could feel her squeeze his arm, and travel down to grab at his ass as he leaned into her. She spurred him on; squeezing his rear and pulling him closer.

Eager to please and even more enthusiastic to get beneath her clothes, Amon crept his hand slowly up her shirt. His rough palm dragged against her curves, listening to her whimper as he frisked her.

“Darling,” he groaned, teasing his teeth in a gentle scrap against the top of her chest.

“Oh Amon,” Essätha panted, urging him closer. “Please.”

Just as he shoved his hand further up her shirt, the thud of heavy boots and clanking of armor had them quickly wrestling away from each other. Wide-eyed and shocked, they looked down the remainder of the stairwell they’d perched themselves on.

The ridge of the man’s brow rose as he looked between them from the bottom steps. Essätha exchanged a glance with the nobleman, swallowing nervously. She could feel the fire on her mortified, flushed face and saw color rising upon Amon’s as their eyes met.

“Good evening you two!” the Paladin stated cheerily. Obliviously as he combed a hand through his snowy white beard, studying them. “Everything alright here?”

She analyzed Abernathy’s face for a sign of recognition. Something that would give away a tell. But he truly seemed puzzled to see them sitting on the top of the stairs, embracing each other so intimately. Amon’s hand was still frozen midway through groping her chest.

“Amon was just… helping me… look for my… necklace…” she slowly choked, feeling the whiplash from her mind trying to come up with an excuse. “It- it fell off. I- I lost it.”

A prolonged silence drifted. Amon felt the beads of sweat forming against his temples. He swallowed, praying to Pelor the man would walk away now, and not notice the obvious tenting in his drawers. The only thing shielding the man’s view was the angle of the stairwell, and his poor sitting position which didn’t help matters. Curled into Essie’s side, his heavy breathing against her throat.

The pointy-eared orc grinned brightly. His tusks as brilliant and gleaming as the rest of his teeth he flashed in the most polite smiles.

“Oh! Is that all?” he chimed with warmth. “Perhaps I could help you two look?”

“No no!” Amon gruffly remarked, clearing his throat. His eyes peeled across the floor, pretending to be searching when he snatched upon thin air. He raised his empty fist, keeping it tightly enclosed as though producing something hidden within. His fist shook slightly as he announced in a cracked voice: “Oooh, see! I found it! It erm… it uh, hadn’t fallen down your shirt at all, Essätha.”

“T-Thank you m’lord,” Essie squeaked, offering a lop-sided and hardly convincing smile down to Abe. “And thank you for offering, Sir Abernathy, but we’re good!”

Abe beamed up at them with a complete lack of understanding. He offered a single nod, before turning on his heel. It scrapped against the wooden floor as he shuffled through the nearby doorframe that lead into the adjacent gambling hall.

In perfect unison, the pair let out a loud gust of air.

The Briarton Lord leaned up close to her ear, squeezing his fingers into her thigh as he breathed into her curls: “Bedroom?”

Flushed, the Yuan-Ti gave a timid laugh, nodding vigorously.

“Please.”

Trading her thigh for her hand, Amon clamored loudly to his feet with a grunt. His knee hit the top step, cursing softly before he stood.

She scrambled up after him. Her fingers wrapped tightly around his, and reaching around to slap his rear as she got up. With eyes like saucers, he startled a moment at the action. It quickly melted into laughter as he squeezed her hand, frantic to urge her along.

They charged the hall like maniacs, laughing all the while.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Nice of you to finally join us, Abe,” Adela purred, elbowing the man in the ribs. “What took you so long?”

He cast a friendly smile at the tiefling.

“Searching for Amon and Essätha. I found them in the stairwell.”

“In the stairwell?” she echoed with a frown. Her eyes darted from him, to the match that Rava was playing. The poor kid really had better luck trying to arm wrestle the brute then play a hand of cards with him. She was already down twenty gold pieces.

Abe turned his gaze on to the match as well. He hummed, bobbing his head in a gentle motion of a nod.

“Essätha lost a piece of jewelry. Amon was helping her find it. They were grappling all over the place.”

The pink-hued woman squinted. Gears in her head begin to turn. She placed a hand gradually to her stunned expression, a bounty of laughter escaping her. She choked on her wheezing, coughing, cackling heckling as best she could, but it distracted the old gentleman from the match. He criticized her with a scrutinizing look.

“What’s so funny? Am I missing something from the match? Did Rava sneak in a joker card again?”

“N-No,” Adela gasped, wiping at the tears misting her eyes. “What did you do?”

Knitting his eyebrows together, the orcish man wisely stated: “Offered to help them, of course. But Amon found it almost as soon as I offered. They seemed pretty shook up and tense. Must be an important necklace.”

Oh dear gods, the man was blind. She buried her face into her hands, practically weeping from her fit of laughter.

“I still do not understand what’s so funny,” Abe commented shortly, fuming as he crossed his arms.

“N-Nothing,” Adela gasped, leaning over to pat his arm. “Good job, Abe.”

He beamed at the compliment. The concept of what he’d just witnessed still flying over his head. Bless the man’s heart, you could put two people right in front of him just short of humping and he didn’t have a clue.

Now, she had wonderful ammunition to tease the two new lovebirds on. And as an added bonus, the knowledge that she could probably sneak just about anything under the radar of Abernathy without him noticing.

What an absolutely fantastic way to end the day.

[fourjokersandajudge]

Impractical Jokers, Season 1, Episode 3 "Unmotivational Speaker"

Liveblogging observations/opinions:

Still the old intro.  Still weird not seeing the one I’m more familiar with.

CHALLENGE ONE: DISASTER DATES

The guys are at a speed-dating event.  They have to do and say whatever the other guys tell them.  “If you refuse, you lose”

Joe’s turn - Immediately, Joe starts grilling his date with uncomfortable questions *ie, salary, weight, etc).  For his second date, he has to tell the woman that he’s in the “adult toy” business.  LOL!!!  Interestingly, the woman did not seem at all fazed by this - she nodded her head matter-of-factly. Then Joe has to be appear to be disinterested in what his date is saying.  Despite the best efforts of Sal, Murr, and Q to embarrass Joe, it just didn’t seem to work.  Joe gets a thumbs up.

Murr’s turn - He starts off by asking his date a pretty-much unending question.  She appears to be confused and waiting for him to finish his question before she answers.  Because she never responds, he accuses her in not participating in the date. For his second date, he mentions that his least favorite body part is his penis...for obvious reasons, she is very taken aback.  Her reaction is priceless.  LOL!  

Sal’s turn -  Just my opinion, Sal looks VERY attractive on this date - such a cute smile. Upon starting his first date, he immediately asks her if she wants to go to the bathroom to make out.  She looks surprised at his forwardness, but he continues to exude an obnoxious confidence.  Q tells him to act as politically incorrect as possible, which he does.  For his second date, he tells the woman that he suffers from a case of micro-penis.  Q tells him that he needs to say that he’s trying to find someone who’s a “good fit”. He struggles.  LOL @ Q reiterating that Sal needs to find a girl who’s a good fit for his “tiny schlong”.  LOL!!!!!!  Sal cannot do it (I almost feel sorry for him as he looks SO uncomfortable) and ends up getting the thumbs down.

Q’s turn - Joe tells Q that he needs to get caught staring at his first date’s “rack”. He calls himself out on it.  Murr tells him to do it again, which he does.  Then Sal has him do it a third time.  I get the feeling that Q enjoyed this challenge very much.  LOL  When his second date sits down, Q starts to tell her how gorgeous she is - and he emphasizes it by misspelling the word “gorgeous”.  He then asks the woman if she wants kids.  When she replies in the affirmative, he asks her if she wants kids right now.  LOL!  Then, the unthinkable happens - Q’s tooth falls out of his mouth and plops down on the table. Murr and Joe find the situation hiliarious and Sal just about loses his s**t when it happens (he appears to ALMOST fall down laughing).  They laugh it off after which the guys tell him to pretend to be a pirate.  His pirate impersonation is dead-on and VERY funny - in a way, I think that he looks a bit like Popeye!  He gets a thumbs up.

LOSER - SAL

As the guys are berating Sal regarding telling his date about his micro-penis, Joe uses some Italian slang to refer to Sal’s “unit”. I love it when he does that.

During the transition between the first two challenges, just after Sal’s penis size gets made fun of, there is a quick shot of a bunch of hot dogs.  So appropriate and funny!  LOL

CHALLENGE TWO:  TERRIBLE TAROTS

the guys are back on the boardwalk of the Jersey shore posing as tarot card readers.  They are all wearing ridiculous tie-dyed t-shirts.  LOL!   They have to do and say whatever the other guys tell them.  “If you refuse, you lose.”

Sal’s turn - A couple agrees to a tarot reading with the boyfriend sitting down in the chair.  Sal accuses the girlfriend of cheating on her man with someone named “Frank” which she immediately rejects.   Sal looks visibly uncomfortable with the situation.  Then he tells them that they will soon be faced with a choice and that they should “keep the kid”.  When the couple tells Sal that they’re actually out searching for their lost pet gecko, Sal makes a funny, quick reference about saving a bunch of money on his car insurance. HA HA!!!  For his second “client”, Sal uses crystals to tell her that someone is going “to lose their virginity tonight”.   She denies it being her, and the guys try to get Sal to say something to her about there having already been a “deposit in that bank” which he clearly does not want to say.  After some uncomfortable fidgeting and giggling, Sal gets a thumbs down.

Q’s turn - Q tells his first mark that he predicts a cruise in her future because he is seeing a lot of seamen (semen).  LOL!!!  He adorably cringes just after he makes his semen joke.  Q’s second “client” is an older man named Herb.  Q tells him that he’s going to get lucky tonight which Herb appears to be happy about.  Q asks him if everything still works down there.  He gets a thumbs up.

Joe’s turn - Joe starts a tarot reading for his mark, but instead gives predictions for himself.  By the end of the turn, it’s almost as if his mark is giving Joe the reading instead of the other way around.  Joe gets a thumbs up.

Murr’s turn - Murr tells his first mark that she’s going to eventually have three kids, but that she won’t know the identity of two of the fathers.  I love his giggling delivery of the prediction.  LOL  The female mark appears to be quite amused.  Then Murr has to tell her that the father that she WILL know, is her first cousin (“this is the first cousin card”...LOL).  Murr tells his second “client” that he has news from the afterlife - that Frank says “What’s up?”.  When asked if she knew Frank, she replies that she thought that he was just in the hospital after having had a heart attack.  Joe tells Murr that he has to say that Frank is a goner and that she should be receiving a phone call any minute.  Murr really struggles briefly with whether or not he should say it.  .  Because he decides to do it, he gets a thumbs up.

LOSER - SAL

I LOL’d at Sal getting frightened by the seagulls almost divebombing him

CHALLENGE THREE:  BULLHORN ARTISTS (JOKER VS JOKER)

For this challenge, they go to one of the parks in NYC.  One of the guys has to walk around the park with a bullhorn positioned up in front of their mouth.  The other three guys actually say that the things that are being amplified.  If the guy who has the megaphone pulls it down away from his mouth or turns it off, he loses.

This is the first Joker vs Joker challenge.  To figure out who will participate, Q removes his newsie cap and pulls two names out of it.  It happens to be Murr and Joe.  Joe’s prechallenge smacktalking towards Murr is hilarious!!!  (Murr:  “Wait...why am I a jerk!?”)  Another note...I just adore the way Q looks in that hat!

Joe’s turn - Q starts things off by making Joe sound  like he’s trying to buy a passerby’s son.  Joe calls Q a dick.  LOL!!  Sal takes over and tries to make Joe pull his pants down.  Joe refuses - pointing out that the challenge is not to stop using the bullhorn, not pulling down ones pants.

Murr’s turn - Murr is visibly nervous about his upcoming turn.  Q grabs the microphone and makes Murr appear to say anti-American insults with a pronounced foreign accent.  Q’s accent his hilarious!  LOL!  Sal laughs at Q’s dialog.   After a man asks for directions to the restroom, he is advised that the toilets are “up your ass and make a left”...to which the inquiring man tries to pull the megaphone down away from his mouth and flips him off as he’s walking away from Murr.   That’s the first mention of this IJ staple gem of a line.  :)  Sal takes over the microphone and proceeds to say that “everyone in this park can suck my....” to which Murr pulls the megaphone down before Sal can finish his sentence.

LOSER-MURR

The post loss razzing of Murr and the interactions between the four guys are almost too much for me.  So fun to watch!

The scorecard screen that they are using for these earlier episodes looks very different to the one I’m more familiar with.  And the goofy doodles on the guys faces are kind of dumb, if you ask me.

CHALLENGE FOUR: WAY TOO PERSONAL SHOPPERS

The guys are at NuCare pharmacy doing shopping.  They have baskets full of embarrassing items that they’ve picked out for each other.  They each have to approach a stranger, take out a product from the basket, and do and say whatever they are told. “If you refuse, you lose.”

What the heck does “The Rev” mean on Sal’s t-shirt?  I’m pretty sure that this is before Sal became an ordained minister.

Q’s turn - He has to pull anti-diarrheal medication from the basket.  He has to walk up to a strange lady and ask her if she’s ever used it.  After an awkward conversation about eating bad Mexican food, Q has to grab his backside and say “Uh oh!” and ask a nearby customer to open the box of medicine for him.  “There’s gonna be a situation.”   HA HA!  After she opens it, he tells her that she can just pour it directly into his mouth.  I love it when Joe tells Q that he needs to take his medicine and Q reacts by making a gesture and throwing the little medicine cup at the camera.  Q once again tries to get the lady to pour the medicine in his mouth, but she refuses.  “I’m not giving it to you.  You have a hand.”  LOL!!!  He grabs the bottle and puts it to his lips to which the mark quickly walks away from him.  I love his smirk as he removes the bottle from it’s position in front of his mouth.

Joe’s turn - Joe is told to remove a hair removal product from the basket.   He approaches a stranger and asks him if it’s enough to remove all of the hair from every inch of his body.  Then Murr tells Joe that he has to ask the man what he uses to remove the hair off of HIS body.

I don’t know why I find it so interesting to see actual earpieces that the guys use inside of their ears, but I do.  There are some very clear shots of the piece in Joe’s ear during this challenge.

Sal’s turn - Sal is immediately told to follow an attractive lady in the store.  Q tells him to take a flea collar out of the basket.  He is told to ask her if she knows if it works on humans.  She is shocked at his question and says that she has no idea.  Sal tells her that he has ticks.  Joe makes Sal tell an awkward story about how he contracted the ticks by stalking his neighbor.  Sal gives an adorable grin to the camera as the thumbs up pops up on the screen.

Murr’s turn - Murr is told to remove the douche from the basket.  He approaches a man and tells him that his friends call him a douche and that he doesn’t know what it is.  He tells that man that he is going to buy the douche so that he can find out what it is.   The man proceeds to tell him that he doesn’t want to buy it and then tells Murr what a douche is.  After finding out what it is, Murr says that he’s still unsure why his friends call him that and asks the man what happens if douche is not used.  The man says, “Hell if I know.  I like a dirty p***y.”

LOSER-NONE

As the four are discussing their victories, they are sitting in a circle on walkers.  LOL!!!!

EPISODE LOSER - SAL

Punishment time - Sal is brought to a real estate company and has to give a motivational speech to some of their brokers.  Murr, Joe, and Q have prepared a presentation that Sal has to deliver.

The presentation starts with a slide that has the appearance of two unicorns humping in front of a rainbow.  Some zingers from the speech:    “I used to be attracted to my first cousin.”  “I used to be afraid of minorities.”  Another high point is a very specific daily schedule in which Sal tells the listeners when he poops and masturbates.  LOL!!!  He is very visibly embarrassed - and rightfully so.

Number of belly laughs:  7

My personal rating - 5 (out of 10)

[aion-rsa]

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 7 Review: Three Dreams Denied

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This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.

The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 7

The Simpsons season 32, episode 7 carves the turkey a little thin for a pre-Thanksgiving offering. “Three Dreams Denied” has all the makings of a full and funny meal for the whole family. But a half hour later, you wish there was more stuffing. The ballooning game hunters even miss the flying turkey in the opening gag, which ends with the couch so exasperated she tells the family to sleep on the bed.

Comic Book Guy’s “Comicalusa” experience is a wild ride from the moment the patronizing pilot taunts his passengers with Superman sightings. The owner of Springfield’s only comic book store then sets about doing what he was born to do, paying the mockery forward on every aspect of the things he loves most. Who was the Joker, he asks, before dismissively concluding none of them.

If only someday people like him could make fun of people like him for working at a real comic book organization — not DC, but a real one — he would be transported to a superheroic fate. This week’s featured Springfield resident’s question, the best question ever asked at a comic book convention, is quite good — Superman-origin-story good: Are comic book mythologies the new religion, and if so, shouldn’t comic books be tax-free? He earns a celebratory pretzel for that.

Comic Book Guy’s dream costume should be standard issue at any convention, it allows him to alternate bites between a choice of beverages, fries, hot dogs, and tacos, which loom large in his legend. A Krustyburger 100-taco-for-$100-weekend is the stuff of Doctor Who marathons, and here he is riding escalators with the Who’s Who of Doctor Who. But Comic Book Guy’s real dream is to work at Marvel — to be plucked out of a crowd of complaining fanboys and lord over the fate of the Avengers.

“Comicalusa” is Burning Man for nerds, twice removed because Burning Man is also really just for nerds. Here he is with his idols, creative geniuses who have all blocked him on Twitter. And Comic Book Guy freezes up. It really is unlike him not to at least give an impromptu ultimate nerd variation. He had two steps to get it together when he stepped into third position. It feels, though it’s not said, like self-sabotage. It is sad that Comic Book Guy is ultimately saddled with the “worst question ever” title, but it is a worthy comeuppance for the man’s whole back-storied attitude.

This isn’t Comic Book Guy’s first humiliation at the hands of his, for lack of a better word, peers. He’s been outclassed by competitors, guest panelists, wise-ass kids and people he’s actually trained. He ultimately is redeemed by the only person who could never outclass him because he barely knows the meaning of class, or homework or the difference between arts ‘n crafts glue and oatmeal.

Ralph Wiggum, coming off a loss for first triangle to an empty chair, is like a sticky-fingered Baby Yoda, offering inscrutable answers to Comic Book Guy’s universe. It is really a very subversively touching scene because what Ralph brings back up in Comic Book Guy is the bile which he malevolently bestows on kids just like Ralph on tap.

Lisa’s crush is presented quite musically. She gushes in the key of Eeee. But the fight for first chair is best played in a minor key, regardless of the seemingly meat-free-sweetness of her blue-eyed boy. But Blake’s (Ben Platt) adorable blue contact lenses are as fake as the vegan BLT he was bragging about.

For a final insult, his four-note honk in competition for the first chair saxophone part is a deliberately humiliating bad run which is only marginally better than Lisa’s. We don’t actually even know if he can play. He seems like he might be such an evil little boy that he will continue to throw hot dog water on anyone who dares to out-reed him, whether he can play or not. Lisa, whose love of the music can inspire mall stores to close for jazz appreciation, is addicted to playing for free.

Surprisingly this subplot has the most satisfying payoff, even though it’s the only one Lisa estimates cannot be fixed. The song that plays during the closing coda is an inspired variation on the song “Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)” from Annie Get Your Gun. It says so much more and ends with a big whoop. It is a highlight.

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We all know how much trouble the voice actors have been to the networks when it comes to The Simpsons, and the writers have some fun with it through Bart’s introduction to the game. “Who knew it was so easy to become a working actor?” the young vocalist says admiringly as he rakes in more money in one day than Homer does in a year. This isn’t the first time the boy has out-earned his father; it happens at least once a season.

While Comic Book Guy is away at the convention, he leaves the store in the hands of a veteran voice actor. The guy’s got a great repertoire from Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future to Scratchy from the “Itchy and Scratchy” cartoons. When he seals the deal with a classic, the rules of Cider House, Bart is floored enough to admit if he knew what that was he’d be even more impressed.

This is such a perfectly Bart line that it cements the character and leads to the chance to mock the network’s treatment of The Simpsons. Homer doesn’t believe a check from Warner Bros. Animation is any good. Bart is still getting his head around how any show which takes longer than a day to do a cartoon is trying to milk their studio dry.

Bart’s gender neutrality could have been mined for more comic possibilities. The mini-arc of him getting beaten up for playing a girl to proving how rad it is to be a unicorn-riding action figure who kills every adult on his show hits all the proper notes, but will it get him on a float on Pride Day? His accent is inconsistent, and his hetero normative tendencies freak out the bullies.

Fight as they often do, Lisa and Bart share some of the warmest moments of the series. Whether hugging as co-losers in hockey games or gaping in awe as Homer gets something right, they work best as a unit. When Lisa tells Bart he’s brave and should be proud of what he’s doing, it registers, but it feels more like he appreciated the dangerous aspects of playing a badass Queen.

The episode has its share of quick sight gags. It opens with Bart stuffing a chocolate bar into the cryogenic-plastic covering of a priceless comic. Martin Prince can be found shoved in the Springfield Elementary trophy case towards the beginning, and again hanging on a clothesline. When Comic Book Guy sees the opportunity to snatch and sell the rare, unopened, Radioactive Man toy he covers up his shrieks of pleasure by chortling into unsold Hulk hands. Good thing his girlfriend isn’t there to see that. The music teacher has to drown out the discordant cacophony of his band with noise canceling headphones and fistfuls of CBD gummies. The bum-not bug zapper is also an inspired visual.

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The Simpsons are always self-referential, but it gets very subliminal in “Three Dreams Denied.” Yeardley Smith, who voices Lisa, made a guest appearance on last week’s episode, “Podcast News.” She was very adamant about not mentioning the voice she’s most known for. This week, Bart is playing a voiceover actor. I’m sure Professor Frink could come up with some reason this somehow flays the laws of animation physics. This is probably why the episode falls short. No one episode of The Simpsons can handle the voiceover click-track continuum, smooth jazz and the ultimate question to ask at Comicalusa. It’s just too much.

In the past, The Simpsons could have borne the extra weight. They’ve always had cross plots, subplots and occasional mini-arcs which play out under the radar. Each of the three stories are strong, funny and have the pathos or peril needed to make them great. In that sense, “Three Dreams Denied” is very much operating in The Simpsons early mode. While the journey flies by without too many bumps, the episode lives up to its title.

The post The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 7 Review: Three Dreams Denied appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[zebraslovescupcakestoo]

Golden eyes Chapter 3

I was standing in front of my 'guests' who wanted to see me. I couldn't believe who I saw. There was two people. The one on the right with a familiar smile with both hands underneath his chin had traditional red Chinese shirt with black sleeves, a Disney logo, red gloves and eye mask. The other had his arm crossed and looked at me with his poker face had similar outfit but with blue Chinese shirt, white sleeves, same logo, blue gloves and a rabbit mask.

“Thank you for bringing our request, you may resume your work.” The one in red answered and waved. The waitress bowed and left us. I entered and closed the curtain behind me. The Lounge it self was impressive. It may be not much, but the Chinese architectures really feels like you're in a foreign upper class. There was the red on walls and cushion seats, the table was wonderfully round and golden-like color. The picture frames were all Walt Disney and his family, friends, employees, cartoons and his fans.

I bowed for an introduction. I know it's one of those custom I had to be polite in these cultural parts. “Good day, I'm Felix Lockheart. I was surprised you've known I was here and recognized me. It's a honor to meet both of you, Mickey and Oswald Disney.” Did I forgot to mention they missed something for concealing their identification? Like, did they ever think about changing their 'unique' hair style?

“I told you we should have wore a lion's head instead.” The one in blue said. Revealing his face, he was Oswald.

“But it's hard to move and breathe in those things. Besides, he might be a good ally to us.” The other said with his signature smile while he took off his. It was Mickey. “Hi! Welcome to our usual spot! I'm very happy you know my big brother, Oswald. Not everyone can recognized him apart when I told them. See, Ozzy? You're being recognized!” Saying so by playfully shoving a hand on his right shoulder. He still hasn't change his expression.

“Not in a good way, pixie dust.” He responded with a flick on his little brother forehead. They smirked and chuckled. “Please sit down, we'll be having lunch and have a few words with ya, it won't be long.”

I sat down and then I heard a waiter calling behind the curtains. They immediately put on their mask and Mickey said something in Chinese. Probably saying he can enter.

We had our lunch together and Mickey spoke. “While we are all together, let's cut to the point. We wish you to work with us for the missing jewels.” I was a bit confused, then I swallow before I asked. “Pardon? Uhhh... I'm already on that case. You don't have-” “I don't think we ever told you, but we actually have more information in this case then your police forces and comrades back at your station.” Oswald pointed at me with his chopsticks.

What did he just say? “Wh- That's against the la-” “Sorry, but we don't trust corrupted coppers nor somebody who could use this information against us.” Mickey said so before popping a piece of cheese in his mouth. I defended myself. “We're not all corrupted! We-” “If we did told that, your chief commissioner Hank Blake about our evidence, he'll blab out to every cops in his department. We know a few people there are under Bendy. But after digging your back ground a bit more,we decided to work with you personally.” Oswald stated, looking at me like someone's an imbecile.

Is our trust issues really that bad? and what HIS problem this time? Luckily, Mickey breaks the tension vibes with his colorful character. “Why don't we start of what we have to say first? I think we gave you the wrong impression. Mr. Felix, we wished you be our only detective to investigate this case WITHOUT telling that chief of yours or your forces, except maybe a few friends of yours of whom you trust dearly that we know already. We also had a small chat with your chief and we made 'agreements.'” He said so with a smirk, but I can tell what he means from that last part. I can't believe it. I had so many things to question their motives, but I asked instead. “Why do you want to work with me and only me?”

Mickey replied: “Let's just say, we both have some information that the other wants and you are a unique character of justice. For a detective.”

This is too fishy for a confession. If they didn't like the police that much, why did they asked them in the first place? Should I trust them or turn them in? Oswald asked me before taking a bite on his carrot. “If you want to find the missing necklaces, you need to tell us if you found something the three people have in common. Your answer will depend if you are trustworthy of your status or you're just another fame hungry Jiētóu māo.”

Now I really hate that guy always looking down on me for almost no reason. But he's got one point right, there's not gonna be a new lead if I don't find another clue for this case or the others. So I asked. “Why should I trust you on this? It's a police's job to-.” Mickey hand signed a halt at me. “Don't cha worry, pal. We don't discus these secret information to anybody we pleased or the public. I may not look like it, but I'm a professional negotiator.”

He shows his badge for proof. No way! My eyes were widen.“Like THAT'S gonna convince him.” Oswald stated in disbelief.  

After some thoughts, I gave a deep sigh and told them. “If the chief gives you the green lights, I have no choice but to cooperate.” Oswald responded with a laugh. “HA! Mickey's convincing techniques are very predictable before you Tā mā de propose it.” As he pointed, Mickey showed his signature smile. I was not amused. “You two jokers know exactly what you wanted.”

“Let's get back on the subject.” Mickey said. “Tell us about what the three people had in common apart from the necklaces. In exchange, We'll tell you where your next possible clue might be.”

“Fine” I responded. “Apart the robbery, they were all wealthy individuals, have eccentric taste of completely turning themselves in their favorite colors and they had dogs.” I then took my last bite out of my meal. Oswald spat. “That's too easy,  Hēi māo, anybody with half a brain could have figure it out.”

“Did I mention that YOUR company was also sponsoring both the jewelry show and the dog contest too? They all competing for the grand prize and also displaying their highly valued, priceless jewels. I know at least that much in common.”

“My my, is this the reason that you lack of trust in us, is that we are the main suspects?” Mickey stared me with his hands hiding his mouth. Without warning, Oswald grabbed my neck single handed with a glare. I tried to let him go cause I had trouble breathing, but I can't shake free. Darn! He's fast AND strong! ... and he not bad looking too.

WAIT! Seriously, what's your damage, rabbit? “Ozzy! Please, He didn't say it WAS us. I was the one who just speculated it might be. I just wanted to know to the bottom of this mystery to clear our names just as much.” Mickey explained.Oswald lets me breathe, but he still had a good grip on me. I calmly spoke. “He's right. I didn't say it WAS, I just say it might BE a possibility. Speaking of the Dog Show, One of the victim's dog, Countess Violette's beagle, Lilly, was dog-napped. What if I told you there's a chance that it might be another one targeting either Mr. Vermelho's or Mr. Blancheur?” They raised an eyebrow. I smirked as what I'm about to tell them next. “Oh! I also wanted to mention a nice detail I found that might peek your interest. Mickey, wasn't your girlfriend also participating with her loyal shih tzu friend? They might be a target too.” He nearly choked his piece of cheese covered vegetable when I said what I found out. “Wh-wh-what? How did you figure that one?” “He's bluffing!” Oswald snared.

“No, I'm not.” I smirked. “When I looked through the list of participants, there was one name that stood out from the others. A certain Mǐnī lǎoshǔ, it was an odd name comparing to the others. I had my one of my friend who's an expert on looking background records and I.D.'s and the other one checking his sources where that person lived before we all left from the football stadium yesterday. Mickey, that name was Chinese for Minnie Mouse, your girlfriend. I believed the reason you choose that specific name for her is that people will think if she'd put her real name, even if she's well concealed her image, the public will suspect it's a rigged contest because of your relationship. That can really damage more than your image.” I knew I hit the head of the nail.

“Bì shàng nǐ de zuǐ !” Oswald threatened, now he quickly got me in a lock hold. He about to took something out when his brother reached out his arm and said. “Wait! Don't! Let's all settle down for a moment.” We all took a minute to calm down.

Mickey resumed. “Before you continue, I just wanted to say it's not what you think it is. She wanted to participate just for fun, not the prize. That's all.” He then smiled. “But I must say, you impressed me when you find out her identity. As for my end of the deal, the first clue is at the Michigan Avenue, there's a glass shop named 'The Fallen Glass'. We believed there's something might worth your time. The second one, for your exchange of secrecy to my Minnie, Oswald.” He winked and his brother nodded. He lets me go and took something out if his vest. It's four lucky tickets to a restaurant named The House of Mouse. Why the heck did they what me to do with this? “I believed that Bendy and his companions will be there discussing about their business trades for your other issue about what you find in that stadium as well. I'm sure you know what we mean.”

I was dumbfounded. How did they find out so much out of us, is it just for the necklaces? Or is there something else for them? Plus, there's something fishy about this. “I understand what you wanted me to do, but tell me. Why do you think I should see this place? Further more, why is there four tickets? I could understand one, but four? Are you suggesting-” “Please bring your cat family and girlfriend. It would make a lovely quality family time.” Mickey joyfully answered.

Is he insane?! I may be determined to stop Bendy's wrath, but I'm not so desperate to risk Kitty and my nephews to be so close in Bendy's hands!  Oswald once again grabbed my jaw to look at him sideways. “Before you say something stupid, let me explain a little bit about us we don't share to the public.” Oswald spoke and held me once again, this time more in a friendly. “Apart from my appearance earlier, I'm actually the one who run this part of the City. I own this district, shops, the people who lives here, including the trained ones whom are trustworthy, and who's left to live. Mickey on the other hand, he's not really in charge but he's my number two if I needed someone to watch behind my back. I can assure you, if you allied with us just for a while, at least for solving the cases, we will do our best to protect what's dear to you OR-” He pulled out a photo of my family from his sleeves, showing it right at my face. “Would you radder die alone, Hēi māo? You do want to know what happens when the girl and the kids left behind? You saw what the other mafias did to their victims' relations, right?”

I was getting furious. How DARE he threaten to used my girl and family for getting me! He's not different from Bendy!

“Don't. You. Dare.-” Before I finished my sentence, Mickey took the picture away from him and he scold. “OSWALD! That's enough! This not how we agreed to operate our negotiations! We don't need more bloodshed on our hands.” He turned his head to me and said. “Please excuse him, He had a rough week before this. He's much more behaved than that, believed me.”

Oswald then admits defeat and apologized. “He's right, Wǒ de cuò. But tell you what, how about a deal? If you find a new lead in the glass shop, you'll come and see us tomorrow with your little cat family. If not, we shall never speak a word about this. Hétóng?” He offered me with his other hand, showing a devious smile. Considering of what's all happened in one meal, it's either that or hope to God nothing happens to them. I decided to play safe for now. “Fine, we'll be allies. But don't think I'll let both of you off the hook just cause your status is Disney infinity level.”

“Fine by me. My informants is much reliable that yours.” Oswald says while he glared at me. We then shook hands.

“Great. I promised you, Felix. You will not be disappointed with our cooperation. Don't worry about the bill, we'll cover it. Oh! Almost forgot!” He took out his wristwatch. “You have fifteen minutes to get to the bus stop right outside across the street. It will get you to your assigned destination. Don't be late and farewell for now.” His brother unhanded me and they put on their masks. I put on my cap and glasses before I  said my farewells and exited the booth. I decided to pack my lunch next time I go here.

-----

It was a quarter before three when I arrived at the Michigan Avenue. I was standing in front of the glass shop with the name 'The Fallen Glass.' The title itself was a bit odd, but what I do know is weather or not should I look into it.

'Should I really trust them this is the right track? Or is it a false lead?' My mind was in a mess.

On one hand, Both Mickey and Oswald were allies with us for the missing necklaces. Mickey was surprisingly a Negotiator but Oswald... I think I've seen him before...

On the other hand, it is plausible that they are throwing me off the tracks.

Just then, a familiar voice chimed in. “FELIX!!!” I turned to the direction where it came from. It was Kitiana.

“I though you were having a day off! What are you doing in front of the glass shop?” She looked at me like she wanted the truth or else. I have to be careful of what I say because she can tell if I'm lying. So I said. “I-I had a friend of a friend of mine who told me about this place and I decided to look around. Out of curiosity.” I hope she doesn't notice that I'm sweating a bit. She looked at me intensely for a few seconds until she sighed. Her expression turned gentle but concerned. “Look. I know I said it many times, but let me say it again. Please don't go out alone when you're off. You make me and your friends worried more than we should.” I know what she means but...

“ANY ways!” She regained her true self. “Since were both here, Why don't we look into the shop together? I heard from my friends there's a new collection of glass-made necklaces they saw!”

“Wait, 'glass-made' necklaces?” I asked. Kitty Explained: “It's one of the latest talk. There's this shop in front of us that makes beautiful glass-made decorations and accessories for a very good price! Some are like almost the real thing! One of my friends showed me a little owl necklace at it was so beautiful!”

Huh. What a interesting fact. I questioned her. “Are they all made from this shop or were they delivered? I'm curious.” “I don't know yet, but we'll find out! Come on!” She grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the shop.

Once we were in, the scene and presentation was quite breathtaking. It was like I stepped into a royal white and golden-like castle. The place was spotless, bright and it was very high class like! The goods they display were very well crafted. Vases,  statues, stained windows,: (It's a bunch of colourful glass shards you can hang in your window like the ones in churches.) and on the displays counters, there were various of earrings, rings, and low and behold, necklaces. What caught my eyes were some are extremely similar to the ones who were stolen. Is this what they mean when I was back at the cafe? But upon close inspection, they weren't exactly the same. Some where altered a bit like for instance, the Snowflake Diamonds had larger and more details and the Lavender Pearls did NOT have hot pink flowers with them. Are they sending me on a goose chase or something? Kitty came up and stand next to me, pointing at the necklaces. “Wow! Look at these! They look so much like the real thing.” 

“Madame! Please keep your hands off the guard cases.” The shopkeeper suddenly appeared. He had a square like head shaped with his hair sleeked backwards, big green eyes, had a thin french mustache, his vest and pants was completely purple, his white tie was with purple pokadots and brown shoes. He looks more like a guy who works at a casino rather than a glass shop. He used a handkerchief to wipe off something that wasn't there with a smug look that we look like paupers. “This here is 'The Fallen Glass', a TOP quality hand-crafted Glass Shop, not a pawn shop.” My face was like... 'So he's THAT kind of d!ckbiscuit.' I mentally thought. But I have to let it slide for today. I have questions that need answers, pronto. “Excuse me, were here for an investigation regarding the past robberies of jewels and we would like some answers.”

He raised an eyebrow and said. “This is a clean 'legitimate' business. We have the licence and we do not have any connection to such vulgar activities. You should be investigating instead at that Chinatown district. It's filled nothing BUT filthy eastern immigrants who are thieves and criminals. Thought the only good quality is they're some are good enough to be efficient janitors or maids.” One of my eye started to twitch on my poker face cause I'm doing my best not to claw his tongue out.

What.. Did.. He.. Just.. Say?!?  No wonder why I didn't understand Oswald's bitterness towards us, there are people like this jackhole! Now I'm salty as crap tanks to this guy's prejudice perspective!

“But they're not all like that! There a plenty of good immigrant people who have a good character just as much as we are!” Kitty spoke up. “Even if some are as mean as you say, we can't just-.”

“I have the rights to say what I pleased.” He cuts her off. Now I'm pretty much fuming. 'I have to calm down. I”ll just ask a few more questions and leave.'

I cleared my throat and asked. “Um.. Back to the necklaces subject, may I asked who's the supplier for these goods? And were they being delivered from a different factory or is there a separate room you all make them here? And also, who owns this shop apart the company itself?”

He looks at me for a few seconds and answered. “If it makes you feel better, this establishment is owned by my master and the head of the King Dice casino. We don't have a separate room for manufacturing these products. Instead we have it delivered here from somewhere else. We don't want more disgusting soot marks over here. If you wish for the name of the place, it's best you need to discuss to my master. He doesn't like people who stick their noses into somethings they shouldn't know. Curiosity KILLS the cat, as they say.” Saying so while looking at me with a grind.

Does he know I'm a cop, detective that is, underneath my casual clothing? Either way, He's not telling me all what I need to know. “If you have nothing else to do or have cash, please use the same door you came from. I have another 'paying' customer to assist. I do not like wasting my time on the working class.” He 'politely' asked. Kitty scoffed in annoyance and responded. “Fine. We didn't find anything interesting here. Let's go, Felix. I want ice cream.” She pulled my arm and dragged me out of the store.

We were walking out on the side walk and Kitty was venting her frustration. “NYAAAAARGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT GUY! Just who does he think he is?! It's bad enough we have to deal with thugs, but why can't we do the same with people with narrow views like him? Can't we just throw him in prison with the rest of the turds?” I don't blame her for what happened, but we cannot do much with 'those' people in the court room. “Even if we wanted to, there's no laws against one's opinions. He still had the freedom of speech too. Ironically, it's the same as equal rights to anyone.”

“But still! He doesn't- hm?” She glanced through a high class french coffee shop we were just passing by. She gasped. “FELIX! Quick! In here.!” “Wait-WHA!” Once again, I was pulled off and dragged inside. She dragged me to the area where there's a piano stage and boy oh boy, I saw two very familiar faces when I was up close to them. One of them said.

“Why, Kitty and Felix! It's so nice to see you two again!”

TO BE CONTINUED... Chapter 4

Read the previous chapter here

Read from the beginning here: Chapter 1

I’m sorry if this week’s chapter is short, but I promised the next ones will be longer.

AND YES! I added Mickey and Oswald! I saw Marini4′s early sketch back in July on this sketch here!

And I HAD this inspiration between Felix’s character and his eyes plus these two.

Now I admit I don’t have MUCH information on what role they’ll play in the CANON comic, but with a little research history and Bendy’s reaction to this ask.

My bet on the future comic updates is that Bendy is not ‘exactly’ in good relation with the Disney Brothers. (At least in this daytime job.) But he MIGHT have some history with them in his teens....

BUT these are just my random theories and my biggest hope for the Team Watlz. (Like the team Demon and team Aristocats.) are the GOOD guys! or at least a robin hood like good guys.

BBTIM characters belong to Marini4.

Game related characters belong to their respected owner. and same goes for the Disney characters. 

[smiley-stark]

A Slippery Situation

Sebastian Stan One Shot

a/n: this is one of the many things I’ve been working on this past week. BIG thanks to @theliteratureloser for this idea! I’ve only got one request left to work on, so please feel free to send in ANY request! I can definitely try anything. Thank youuu xoxo.

warnings: some language probably, fluff fluff fluff, lube, inappropriate jokes, this is all pretty pg tbh. enjoy! *not my gif*

Loose gravel crackled under tires as you pulled slowly into your reserved parking spot at the studio, nerves gushing for your first real day shooting.

 'I’m thinking about doing a look like this? With your prosthetic skills, I could pull it off.' 

A bright message appeared on your screen and you almost snorted from laughing at the attached photo. Him wearing one of the stunt doubles' wigs. Sebastian had always been such a joker. Though you had only known him for a matter of months, you were absolutely infatuated. 

Being an SFX/makeup artist and designer definitely had its perks. Working on movies was one of those perks.

 "Not sure I’m skilled enough to make that look good!"

 Your mind wandered back to the first few times you met Sebastian as you typed back your response. You were assigned to take on Marvel's newest hit, a Captain America movie. You were given the privilege of meeting all of the actors and actresses that had specific suit. Sadly, you also had the burden of creating said suits. The costume for Bucky was extremely difficult. You had to incorporate the iconic bionic arm, which would definitely be a challenge.

Luckily, after four months of varying measurements, long nights, and pure determination, you had completed the ever so important appendage. You popped the trunk of your car and grabbed a suitcase full of makeup and supplies, setting it on the asphalt next to you. Reaching back in (much more carefully) you pulled out the piece de resistance, a box containing the metal arm.

You approached the door, struggling with your many bags, but managed to pull it open and head inside. Scarlett was already sat in her hair and makeup station, hair being fluffed by your good friend Tonio. You reached around and tapped her shoulder. When she opened her eyes and saw who it was she practically squeaked. "(Y/n)! Ahh! How are you! It's been like two weeks?!" She pulled you into a quick hug. 

"Hey Scar! I'm alright, how about yourself?" You asked, pulling out from the embrace to examine her face. 

 "Excited! I'm sure you are, too. Lots of fight scenes to film today. Lots of fake blood to use!" You chuckled, knowing you'd be using a lot more than fake blood.

 "Anthony Mackie! The man himself!" You joked, spreading your arms out and welcoming your dear friend with a hug as he entered the room. 

 "(Y/n)! Darling!" He laughed, being extra as always. The two of you made small talk about his new costume until you hear an uncomfortable scuffle from behind you. Turning, you had to cover your mouth to avoid laughing. 

 "Sebastian?! What are you doing?" The man was trying to walk without bending his legs and was looking extremely hilarious while doing so.

 "Hey! You made this thing! I can hardly walk." he said, a slight pout lacing his voice. 

"Hey! You should be happy! I tailored it to make your butt look good!" You joked, gesturing to the tight pants he was stuffed in. 

 "Yeah, yeah! Whatever." He laughed back, sitting stiffly in his chair. "Just come make me pretty." 

 "Oh, Bas, you're already so pretty!" You laughed, pulling out a kit of makeup.

"Thanks, sweetheart" he rolled his eyes at your sarcasm. 

 "I swear! The two of you talk like an old married couple." Anthony piped up from where he was reading his lines. For a few minutes you went back and forth between Sebastian and Scarlett, trying to hurry and finish their makeup. Normally you wouldn't rush things like this, but you had no idea how long it would take to get the arm on, and judging from the tightness of the suit, you assumed it would take a while. Finally, you completed the makeup and both of them were perfectly airbrushed. Looking in the mirror, Scarlett thanked you and headed off with Anthony to start the day, leaving Sebastian behind. 

"Let's see my baby" he smiled and shifted in his seat from anticipation. You brought the box to him and sat it in his lap. Slowly, you lifted the lid and revealed the shiny new piece of armor. 

 "Holy shit..." he seemed blown away by your work. To be fair, you did a pretty damn good job. He looked from the arm to you repeatedly, shaking his head in disbelief. 

"It's pretty simple, actually. Three parts. Bicep, forearm, and hand." You explained, pointing to each section. "First, we'll slide on the bicep, add the forearm, and work on the glove. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!" He laughed at your childish remark but went along with it. 

"Alright. Let's up my badassery and get this thing on." You sucked a breath in through your teeth and scratched the back of your neck. 

“Wait a second... what?” He narrowed his eyes at you, crossing his arms and furrowing his brows. You turned around and grabbed the two small bottles from your makeup bag, hiding them behind your back.

“Before we get to putting it on, I have a question.” You asked, batting your eyes in fake innocence.

“Oh my God what’d you do?” He asked, suspicion lacing his voice as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Will you just hush up and answer my question?” You joked, cocking a brow. He heaved a sigh and shrugged.

“Well,” You began, pulling the bottles out from behind you, “Do you want warming or flavored?”

He froze. Staring at the bottles and then to you, questioning what the bottles were meant for with his eyes, implying what he wanted to use them for with his smirk.

“For your arm, you dirty man!” You laughed, doubling over when you saw a look of shock wash over his face.

“Well, uh.. in that case, let’s try flavored. What flavor did you pick up?” He asked, wiping his hands on his knees.

“Vanilla.” You chuckled, shaking the bottle in front of his face.

“Sounds like the kind of sex Robert has.” He quipped, causing you to snort. 

wait. had you just..... had you really just snorted in front of him. like full on?? fuck fuck fuck

“Your laugh is so cute!” He chuckled, joining you in laughter at his own joke. Relief washed over you and you decided to get to work on putting on the arm.

“Alright, Bas. Just be still. I’ll try to make it quick.” You assured, trying to stifle your giggles at how wrong your words sounded. You slathered a layer of the vanilla lube along his arm, cringing a little at the slip it left on your hands. You turned and picked up the bicep of the arm, attempting to slide it on.

nope

“We’re gonna need more.” You sighed, dousing his arm a second time. Finally, the bicep started to move up his arm and he cringed visibly at the feeling.

“I’m so sorry, Bas. Did they change up your workout regimen again? I don’t see why this isn’t going on easier.” You felt really bad. Maybe it was a mistake on your part? There was no way. You had followed each of his measurements perfectly, making sure he had room to move around with the arm on.

“Yeah, they said they would email you about it? I’m guessing they didn’t.” He heaved another sigh, sending you an apologetic glance.

“It’s okay! We’ve got plenty of lube and lots of stamina!” You encouraged, trying to stay positive.

“Well, what in the name of God is going on in here?!” Anthony almost shrieked, entering the room from a side door with his hands over his eyes.

“Oh my God! Anthony! No, no, no, it’s not what you think. Will you call Tonio in here? I need your help getting this arm on.” You pleaded, trying to pull his hands off of his eyes but failing due to the slippery substance on your hands.

“You’re slimy! What have you two been up to?!” Anthony burst into laughter at the scene playing out before him. “Oh. My. God. Sebastia- Oh my God! I’ll be right back” He left the room in a fit of laughter, hunching over and clutching his stomach.

When he returned, Tonio trailed behind him completely clueless. The look on his face was priceless when he saw Sebastian’s glistening arm.

“Guys, I’m sorry to ask this of you, but I need help getting this arm on.” You sighed, giving them the best puppy dog eyes you could muster.

“Alright, fine But if I ever catch the two of you using this lube for something else, I swear I’ll beat you both!” Tonio warned, reaching over and pouring more of the substance onto Sebastian’s arm. 

“I am so, so sorry Seabass.” Anthony laughed, placing his hands on the metal. “On my count of three, we slide it up, okay?” He asked, looking around at the three of you. 

After a LOT of elbow grease (ha ha) and determination (and lube), the arm was on and fully functional. Sebastian stood and examined it in the mirror, clearly admiring your attention to detail as the other men left. You called out a quick ‘thank you’ before grabbing a towel to wipe off the excess currently dripping from Sebastian’s arm.

“Again, I’m really sorry. I tried my best.” You muttered, refusing to meet his gaze.

His fingers brushed gently under your chin, politely pulling your eyes to his. “Hey, it’s amazing. Just like you... I- I have to go now. Thank you” He muttered the last words, but you could’ve sworn that he glanced at your lips once or twice.

For the next few weeks you, Tonio, and Anthony used countless bottles of slip on Sebastian. Every day you sat and laughed at his visible discomfort until the final day of shooting rolled around.

“Hey princess, ready?” He asked, walking behind you and placing a hand gently on the small of your back. You had gotten used to this. These soft touches. Gentle reminders of how badly you wanted to envelope him in hugs and shower him with kisses. 

Keep it professional, (Y/n). You reminded yourself.

You turned, grabbing another bottle from your makeup bag and heaved a sigh. “Ready if you are.”

He sat in his designated chair, throwing a wink at you from across the room. You joined him and started applying the product, this had become second nature. 

“I’ll grab Tonio and Anthony” You laughed, turning away from him. Before you could take a step, you felt a slippery hand touch your wrist.

“Wait, (Y/n), can we talk?” His eyes were full of worry, making your heart sink into your stomach immediately.

“Yeah? What’s wrong, Bas?” You asked, lovingly tucking a strand of his soft hair behind his ear.

“Listen, I don’t want to fade away after today.” He confessed, refusing to look at you.

“What?” You responded, completely confused.

“I don’t want this to be the last time we see each other. (Y/n), I don’t know if you haven’t noticed, but I really care about you.” His eyes finally met yours. Normally there was some hint of a smile in them, but not now. He was completely serious as he sat before you, covered in lube, dressed like a supersoldier, confessing his feelings for you. You couldn’t help but giggle at the entire situation.

“I shouldn’t have said that...” He muttered, looking down in embarrassment.

“No! No, I’m so glad you did say that. I just cant help but laugh at your arm. I’m sorry.”

“You’re glad?” He questioned, looking to you with his brows raised. You nodded in response and a look of relief flashed over his features before he grabbed the back of your neck and pulled you into a slow, passionate kiss.

“Maybe next time we need lube it’ll be for something else.” He joked after pulling away.

“What the hell?!” Anthony shrieked from his hiding spot outside of the door, causing you to lean into Sebastian’s chest, cracking up. His chest vibrated with laughter and he brought up his clean hand to stroke your hair.

“Hey, (Y/n)?”

“Yes, Bas?”

“After this we should ditch these losers and grab dinner, sound good?”

You smiled into the warmth radiating from his chest and hummed in agreement. Pushing off of him, you reached over to re-lather his arm, preparing to pull the damned thing on again. Funny how the same thing you spent hours pulling on Sebastian’s arm was the thing that pulled you together.

(and, no, it wasn’t the last time you used lube)

 this post’s tags!

@theliteratureloser @thevanishedillusion 

permanent tags are: open!

-xoxo nic

[luucarii]

Persona 5 Ramblings

this shit is long. like really long.

and I sound like a crazed fangirl so....

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. IM TALKING ABOUT LIKE ALMOST EVERYTHING BUD!!!

also, i curse way too much in this... apologies in advance 

also, happy father’s day even though this has nothing to do with it :)

THIS IS ALL BACKGROUND ON ME BEFORE I GOT THE GAME SKIP TO THE NEXT BOLD PART IF YOU WANT TO HEAR MY OPINION ON THE GAME ITSELF.

Okay, so I’ve mentioned vaguely how Persona 5 is my first encounter with the Persona series. I’d heard bits and pieces about the series but I never really understood the concept of Persona until maybe mid April of this year. I was on spring break from school and I don’t remember how exactly how I stumbled across it but i found this playthrough of Persona 5 on youtube and I was mildly interested. So I clicked on it, and into the emotional rollercoaster that is this game i went.

At the time, there was only about 11 episodes of the play through (each around an hour long) so I binged watched each episode ending up with me staying up past 2 am. I was just so invested. The opening drew me in the minute the camera showed off that smug little bastard Joker’s smirk over the casino (I’ll get into why I love this kid and the rest of the cast later). I was confused since I was going into Persona 5 with no knowledge of the whole concept of Personas at all. I was kinda just like “wow this looks badass. What is he doing? Oh my god, this game is so pretty.”

I ended up skipping around once I got tired of waiting for a new episode and watched this long ass livestream. I got to about Okumura’s Palace before there was nothing left for me to watch but the boss battles uploaded, which did spoil me a little bit and got me a bit confused but I was so interested that I honestly didn’t care. I was so surprised at Niijima’s Palace and her boss battle as a whole and was like “SHIT THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME!!!! OH MY GOD EVERYTHINGS BACK”

From there, I skipped straight to the traitor - aka Akechi’s battle - and can I just say, I was not surprised that he had a Persona but I was surprised that he betrayed the group considering all the story shit I skipped. Shido’s fight was fairly interesting to me but again, I skipped a bunch of story shit so I was really just rooting for the Phantom Thieves because this was THE ASSHOLE WHO GAVE MY POOR LITTLE AKIRA A CRIMINAL RECORD.

Skipped a bunch of shit again and onto the fight with Yaldobaoth. At this point I was drawing a lot of similarities to Xenoblade Chronicles, fighting a God for freedom and then THEY PULLED THE WHOLE BELIEF THINGY (which they did at the end of Okami as well) AT THE END WITH MISHIMA AND THE REST OF TOKYO BELIEVING IN THE THIEVES AND I WAS SOBBING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH AT 2 AM.

And after that, I made it a point that one day I’d play this game for myself. And it was maybe a few days after that I finally got the game.

Now at the time (and still now) I didn’t own a PS4 and was forced to use my brother’s when he was at work. Adding to the fact that school was beginning to start up again, I had at most maybe 6 hours to play a day if homework didn’t take up all my time. So what might’ve taken me a few weeks to beat took me almost 2 months to beat because of timing. 

BUT OH WELL, I HAD THE GAME, I PLAYED THE GAME, I LOVED THE GAME AND NOW IM GOING TO SQUEAL LIKE A FANGIRL OVER EVERY ASPECT OF THIS GAME THAT I ADORED.

GAMEPLAY

Okay, so I’ve played my fair share of JRPGs and Persona 5 was a nice familiarity. All the dungeon crawling, the fighting, turn-base combat, ya’ll get it.

BUT UM THESE DUNGEONS (Palaces if you would) ARE FREAKING GORGEOUS, HELL THE GAME ITSELF IS GORGEOUS.

Each Palace and their respective Shadow ruler has their own design, personality and each are based on the seven deadly sins which (after finishing FullMetal Alchemist a few months earlier) I thought was clever and interesting.

Kamoshida’s castle was a nice balance of a first dungeon and “hey we’re not gonna hold your hand, this is fairly simply kill some Shadows, find the infiltration route and don’t get kicked out.” ALSO RYUJI AND ANN’S AWAKENINGS. JUST THAT. INCREDIBLE.

Madarame’s museum had a little bit more difficulty but was still fairly easy. The security bars kinda gave me a little anxiety considering I was still getting used to all the controls (I had just finished an Xbox One game before playing this so my buttons were mixed up) and the little painting guessing game was a bit dumb considering each Sayuri looked EXACTLY THE SAME TO ME (except the color swapped ones) ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING YUSUKE WAS THERE AND COULD HAVE EASILY TOLD US BUT NO HE WANTED TO TEST AKIRA’S ART SKILL. ARE YOU APART OF THE PHANTOM THIEVES OR NOT YUSUKE??????????

but i digress…

Kaneshiro’s bank was fun but GOD SEND THOSE FREAKING SECURITY CAMERAS AND THOSE SHADOW DOGS TO HELL OH MY GOD I HATED THOSE. See my thing is, I’m not exactly a stealthy person. Which is why I love hiding because you can sneak up on Shadows and ambush them easily. I hate raising security level and those damn dogs were so annoying and just ugh. Those dogs are honestly one of the few grips I have with the game. Also, MAKOTO IS THE ACTUAL QUEEN.

Futaba’s temple was by far the longest one for me in terms of gameplay hours (in game time took me about 2-3 days) but it was still fun nonetheless and I’m glad Futaba (who is one of my favorite female characters) got some closure on her story with her mother and was able to rise above that. I’m a sucker for tragic backstories when their well executed. (i still to this day do not know how to pronounce her Persona…)

Okumura’s spaceship was my favorite aesthetically because I’ve always been interested in space and the stars and the little puzzle at the end with the space pockets was a nice bit of challenging and flying through Metaverse space. ALSO HARU HAS FLUFFY FLUFF HAIR AND HAS MY SECOND FAVORITE PHANTOM THIEF OUTFIT 

hmm, i wonder who has my favorite Phantom Thief outfit... Joker... It’s Joker... god damn those red gloves

Niijima’s casino, which OH MY GOD WERE BACK TO THE BEGINNING AND AKECHI’S WITH US AHH, and WHIMS OF FATE IS BEST PALACE THEME.

It was my favorite palace, no questions asked.

Shido’s ship was another long one but finally getting revenge on this dick was incredible. Also, AKECHI AND RYUJI PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS.

Mementos was a good idea as a whole but the way it was executed everything just sort of blended together for me and there were only a few requests that stood out to me. The music was bland (one of the blandest on the soundtrack, especially compared to the other Palace themes casually mentions Whims of Fates again) and during the late floors of Mementos, everything got so dark and it was really hard to see.

CHARACTERS

expect this to be me screaming a lot.

Akira Kurusu (Protagonist)

okay, um, i love this boy. like a lot. LIKE I WOULD DIE FOR HIM.

For a silent protagonist this guy sure has a lot of character. The rare times he speaks in cutscenes, specifically the ones where he’s Joker, he has this sort of cocky arrogance yet when he’s little Akira in his Shujin uniform he’s a quiet little curious boy. He’s incredible under pressure, like there’s only a few things that make him crack and his dialogue options are priceless.

I especially love Joker because I’m an honest to god mess when it comes to smug bastards and I have an unhealthy love for those crimson gloves of his.

But honestly he doesn’t deserve half the shit he gets in game. Besides the whole “game” set up by Yaldobaoth, he was sent away from his family and presumedly the friends he had back in his hometown all because of his probation, literally no one treats him with any sort of respect when he gets to Shibuya. Sojiro reminds him countless times the first what 3-4 months that he’ll be kicked out if he breaks his probation which (besides doing all that illegal shit as Phantom Thieves) he honestly just goes to school (a place where he gets even more shit from teachers and students), hangs out a little after and comes straight home. I know Akira’s been established to have a bad reputation because of his record but don’t these people have eyes??? Can’t they see that he’s obviously not a bad guy based on what he’s doing in school and not getting involved with the police??? Sojiro's exempt from this because he at least grows to like having Akira around and trusts him enough to go out at night, work in the store alone and lock up from him when he leaves.

AKIRA IS A GOOD BOY WHO DIDN’T DESERVE ALL THE SHIT GIVEN TO HIM

Also, Xander Mobus did a good ass job with his voice

Ryuji Sakamoto

see this post that basically sums up my feelings on this boy.

Also, Max Mittelman.

Ann Takamaki

CAN I JUST SAY ANN IS ONE OF THE BESTEST FRIENDS IVE EVER SEEN???????

Like she went through all that shit with Kamoshida, the harassment, possibly rape, all for freaking Shiho’s sake. Just… wow. That’s some freaking loyalty there. Shiho's the closest friend she has at Shujin (at least before the events of the game) and God knows how long she went along with Kamoshida’s bullshit all for Shiho. I mean I may sound a bit repetitive but holy shit that just amazes  me. SHE. ENDURED. SEXUAL. HARASSMENT. ALL. FOR. HER. BEST. FRIEND. And the minute she watched Shiho’s suicide attempt that was it. Any last bit of restraint she had left broke and she went full on at Kamoshida all for revenge for her best friend. My god.

Onto her confidant ranks, Ann is just a charismatic bundle of joy who just wants to make people happy. Yeah she butted heads with that girl (forgot her name…) and did fall down a little in terms of confidence but Akira and Shiho helped her through it and brought her back on her path of what she wants to do… Just ugh, I love Ann so much.

Yusuke Kitagawa

Yusuke’s a fan favorite and for good reason.

His backstory about how Madarame took him in after his mom died and overlooked his painting which led to the later plagiarism is an interesting one and I love how the Sayuri, the only thing left to connect him to his mother, is an important factor that leads to his realization of “oh shit this guy’s a dick who watched my mom die without helping her and he used me for money and fame.”

As a character though, Yusuke’s freaking weird. But i love him because of it. He has his formal tongue but that formal tongue casually overlooks any weird shit that comes out of his mouth. He doesn’t give any flying fucks about what people think of him and he speaks his mind like there’s no tomorrow. I still crack up at the nude painting scene with him and Ann because his mix of awkwardness and passion to paint a nice ass picture is just incredible. Also, another thing. He’s. So. Damn. Passionate. Like he ties art into everything, even fighting Shadows and he’s always looking for new ideas for paintings.

Also, Matt Mercer

Makoto Niijima

MAKOTO IS QUEEN.

She’s not my favorite female, that role goes to Futaba but she’s definitely number 2.

I genuinely have a love for the Niijima sisters because they complement each other so well. Sae’s the head of the house who also works tirelessly just to support her younger sister and it’s clear to see why Makoto would feel useless. She’s a high school student and as a student you really can’t do much that’ll pay the bills and keep food on the table unless you have a job which Makoto’s student council president and (i’m assuming) is in everything so it’d probably be hard as is to get a job and be of some sort of use to her sister. Then Kaneshiro comes around threatening her and Thieves and her sister and she just doesn’t want to feel useless anymore. She wants to do something after being forced to sit back and watch other people be counted on. And just, ugh, her awakening is by far my favorite out of all of them just because of everything behind it and just MAKOTO IS AMAZING, CASE CLOSED.

Also, Cherami Leigh.

Futaba Sakura

By far my favorite female as I feel our personalities are pretty damn similar. Besides her being a hacker and me not knowing anything about possibly illegal things like that, I relate to Futaba as she’s an introvert. She and I value our alone time and (although for different reasons) like being shut in. Now I’m not going to say Futaba and I share the same backstory because my God I’m honestly baffled how this girl went through years in solitude after her mother’s death thinking it was her fault. For one, she WATCHED HER MOTHER DIE IN FRONT OF HER. HOLY SHIT HOW DID THIS GIRL MANAGE TO FUNCTION WITH THAT MENTAL IMAGE IMPRINTED IN HER BRAIN???? AND THEN FOR YEARS ON END SHE LOCKED HERSELF UP AWAY FROM THE WORLD AND BEGAN HAVING ACTUAL PHYSICAL AND VERBAL HALLUCINATIONS AND IF IT WASNT FOR THE PHANTOM THIEVES SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE ENDED UP KILLING HERSELF AND I DONT WANT TO THINK OF A WORLD WITHOUT THIS ADORABLE LITTLE OTAKU.

also, i really ship her and Yusuke Inari

Haru Okumura

For one, Haru is freaking adorable, I mean look at her. She has the short little fluffy fluff hair and her voice is so light and feathery and polite and WHY DOES SHE COME SO LATE IN THE DAMN GAME????

I was lucky enough to manage to finish her confidant before the end of the game but when her confidant first opened up to me (getting rank 5 Proficiency was a bitch) at that point I was planning on not doing her confidant at all, I was just planning on getting Baton Pass and ditching her because I didn’t think I’d finish it. I did (at the cost of not finishing Makoto’s, still extremely disappointed on that) and I have to say Haru’s confidant was by far my favorite one out of the ones I maxed out.

Her whole thing is now that her father’s dead, she’s basically the one inheriting everything from Okumura Foods and she never really understood anything to begin with and she thinks everyone who’s trying to help her is just doing it for their own self-gain.  Okumura Foods, at this point, is attempting to rise back up after all the shit her father put the company through and all the current bad reputation it has. Haru’s never had a chance in her life to make things for herself. She’s always been told what to do and has been very obedient (even agreeing to marry a literal dickhead all for her father’s company) and suddenly she’s given all control and doesn’t know what to do with it. All these happy smiling faces offering their help just seem like people attempting to take advantage of her incompetence. Akira helps her through it like the amazing boy that he is and Haru ends up finally being able to speak her mind about the company and what SHE wants to do. She gives the company up to someone who she believes is trustworthy and decides that she’ll one day open a small little cafe like Leblanc in the future after college. And honestly, just her overcoming her distrust and her previous shell of being obedient to rising up and making her own decisions it makes me so happy and proud to see her grow and change and just UGGH I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS DAMN CAST.

Morgana

This cat, literally this cat. HE BELONGS WITH AKIRA AND THE REST OF THE THIEVES NO ONE CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.

Loud-mouthed, a little bit arrogant, Morgana is just an amazing character in general for me. I know Ryuji’s technically supposed to be the comic relief (and he does fulfill this role, don’t get me wrong) but I feel Morgana takes this spot too, especially the two bickering like an old married couple. I know some people hate on Morgana because of how he treats Ryuji and the amount of “go to bed” memes on Tumblr but all around Morgana is just a cat who was just looking for a place to call home. He was just looking for people to accept him.

And a part of me honestly hopes if there’s an add on for this game in the future, Morgana gets a human form because I’d love to see that.

Also, please tell me I’m not the only one who still mixes up Morgana’s gender. I still sometimes call him a her just out of habit because I can’t hear Cassandra Lee Morris as anything but a girl.

Also, Cassandra Lee Morris.

Goro Akechi

OKAY SO CONTROVERSY??? MAYBE??

I LIKE AKECHI

NO FUCK THAT

I LOVE AKECHI

LIKE HONEST TO GOD THIS BOY DESERVED BETTER.

Don’t misunderstand, I know he killed people. I know he caused all those shutdowns and was planning on killing the Thieves and eventually Shido himself (which now begs the question, say he did kill Shido, what next?)

I’m not denying anything he did. And yes, his backstory (although extremely saddening) does not justify his actions. He knew what he was doing and he still did it.

Akechi took the wrong path in his life. If anything you can sort of compare his story to Futaba’s in the sense that they both lost family members and were left with nothing. In Futaba’s case however, she still had people trying to help her. She had Sojiro who took her in after her uncle was abusing her or something and she had the Thieves who literally changed her heart and made her see the truth.

Akechi had absolutely nobody.

His mom died (suicide if I remember correctly), he was thrown into foster care, his own father (seriously, fuck Shido. Not just because of how he was with Akechi but everything in this damn game) didn’t even knew he existed. He had no acknowledgement, no affection, nothing. He was forced to make do with what little scraps he could find and make a life for himself.

Again, don’t misunderstand me. I know he killed people and his backstory does not justify his actions because he knew what he was doing was wrong. I’m just saying maybe if he had someone, anyone who was there to help him out, to pull him out of his misery he most likely would have been a different person. He wouldn’t have had his revenge for Shido be his only reason for living and he wouldn’t have gone out the way he did. It’s hard not to feel bad for him. He’s been alone all his damn life and all this guy really wanted was a friend, some teammates, people who wanted him around. I just wish Akechi had gotten a way to repent. I hate the fact that he died. One because we lost a good character and two because I genuinely believe that he wanted to change at the end. Akira changed him. The Thieves changed him. I wish he had gotten an ending where he could own up to his mistakes and be able to make up for lost time.

Just… ugh.

I’m apart of the “Akechi deserved better” group.

And I also ship Akeshu really really really hard.

Also, Robbie Daymond was freaking fantastic.

VERDICT

THIS IS LONG ENOUGH SO LET ME SUM IT UP IN A SENTENCE.

PERSONA 5 IS AMAZING, I LOVED IT.

[designerwhom]

How can Gucci, sell a simple shirt for so much?

As I'm sure you're aware by now, you could basically walk into any retail store nowadays, say Walmart for instance, and purchase an ordinary T-shirt with a picture of a dog on it for anywhere around $10 and sometimes cheaper. But then when you walk into designer stores such a Gucci for instance and notice a regular T-shirt, with yet again a dog on it, but this time it says the holy words “GUCCI” across the shirt, and you ever wonder... what makes this shirt worth $600 more than the one I saw at Walmart. 

Well, there are a few reasons for that and the first one is starting with the quality and conditions of the manufacturer. Even though your product may appear to be "just cotton", there are many different grades of cotton. Have you ever experienced cotton Pima as compared to normal cotton? The disparity is considerable. 

You must, of course, have some experience with luxury goods to really understand the attributes of better quality shirts, but trust me once you get used to it, there is no going back! Then there is the explanation of the fabrication. If you have a slim build like I do, then you can definitely appreciate how much a truly "fit" shirt makes a difference.

 Part of the shirt making process is the measurement environment. The work into finding the perfect width around the ribcage, chest, etc., is all a part of the cost of making a truly luxurious top. There are then the conditions of production. Luxury shirts are generally made in Europe (less costly shirts are typically made in Bulgaria or Turkey; the more expensive ones are usually made somewhere in northern Italy).

 Minus from the fact that the workers here are usually much more skilled in producing a truly luxurious product, in these parts of the world, the quality of the working conditions is much better than in China, Bangladesh, etc. If something gets too open, that's not a big deal anymore. 

Remember when the iPhone was a really new thing back in 2008? Well now getting an iPhone is now fairly common among people and it is anticipated in many cases (especially in some corporate environments). Luxury brands are battling tooth and nail to stop this happening. 

The reason their clothing is regularly being sold for so much is that it is a symbol of status. If everyone wears a Gucci shirt would that be a big deal? Clearly not! Then that translates into the question of “how can you stop that from happening?” Making it too complicated for the average person to buy a Gucci shirt? The honest truth is that they could actually make a profit by selling their shirts at about $85.

But then that would make them common, and too many people would buy them. With Gucci, yes you spend more than the shirt really is worth, sure, but in exchange, you are getting a quality standard that not the average joker can have, and to a very segregated market, that reputation is priceless, and that's why Gucci can sell a simple shirt for so much because you're getting so much more than just a T-shirt.