#just having a blah day so needed some filth in my life

[haveyouseenherlately]

pov: you think about one of matty's kinks

just pure filth here. sorry lol.

warning: 18+, smut. grammatical errors, typos.

other bf matty blurbs & rambles here.

cumplay. to say that matty was obsessed with it was a complete and utter understatement. you always wondered how many people knew about this side of him, selfishly hoping this was a dirty secret shared just between the two of you. hell, he'd been your best friend for over 15 years and you didn't even suspect this was a deep interest of his until a few months of you sleeping together. your shy, nervous matty getting off at the thought of his cum? no way. but oh, how glad you were that this was a reality. you'd never grow tired of the way his lust filled eyes would spend minutes staring at it slowly dripping out of you, always asking if he was allowed to lick you clean. of course. you'd be a fool to deny him. you love to run your hands through his dark curls as he gently laps the warm cum off your spent cunt, using his fingers to spread you open so he can gather every last drop. at times he will finger it out of you and use the slick to rub gentle circles against your clit, leading to the best form of ecstasy imaginable. but your favourite is always when he will gather some of it on his tongue and continue to sloppily kiss you, ruining him into a moaning, desperate mess.

[bucknastysbabe]

A day in the life of ✨Ser Criston Crispin Cole✨

The bestest kingsguard to ever and he doesn’t break vows or kill innocent people but has trauma and ptsd and a big throbbing ahem

Rating: Everyone

Tags: this is silly goofy, I even made some visuals, Criston rounds up the Targtowers, I finally gave a name to Aemond’s twin, Aemond’s irrational fears, Incel Knight has Issues, Aegon being a creature per usual.

Tagging some fools: @aemonds-holy-milk @aemonddtargaryen @fairysluna @arcielee @bambitas (ur man is trying)

“You what?,” he echoed to Aegon, laid out in the streets of Flea Bottom. While Aegon did appear as a piece of scud needing to be scraped off the cobblestone— Ser Criston gleamed in his armor and white cloak. White horse too. White horse armor. Totally not to overcompensate for anything like oath breaking and other heathenry.

The scud with blonde hair rasped, “I fucked an Ibbenese whore, she was a sight! You should’ve seen her hair, the bush, I needed a Dragonkeeper.” Criston held up his hand to silence the fool, growing disgusted. The prince laughed before vomiting right on the kingshorse’ lacquered hooves.

Ser Cole stared blankly, dreaming of nasty, awful things. That may include something along the lines of murder. Again. He didn’t mean to, okay? Criston got off the equine and kicked Aegon once for good measure. The idiot squawked, “Ow, fuck, I just emptied my guts! Hold on!”

The Dornishman ignored his prince’s whining and slung the wannabe jester up onto the hind of the horse. He sighed in annoyance, climbing back upon the destrier and riding back towards the keep. Aegon started up with a hoarse laugh. He rasped, “Y’know a little hair doesn’t hurt anyone Cole, I know you prefer yours on the Valyrian- CRISTONNNN!”

Criston smirked a bit having reached back and backhanding the Prince. Lovely Alicent granted him ‘any means possible’. Which mean he got to slap around Aegon for fun. It was quite a stress-reliever, truly. The eldest prince continued, “I’m still the prince you can’t just,” then again he was smacked in quick succession, “FUCKING QUIIIITTTT!!”

Ser Cole held back a chuckle at Aegon’s sniveling. They reached the keep now, Criston hauling the heir inside. Aegon whined, “Jus’ take me to my room you beast!” The brunette sighed, “No can do, you smell like the inside of a whaling barge. Since you enjoy fucking Ibbenese.”

“Don’t knock it til’ you try it,” the prince grumbled.

He was swiftly deposited into the baths. Criston felt he need to change his clothing now, the filth of Aegon smeared all over his clothes, horse, and soul. Yuck. He could die, honestly. Really wanted to awhile back but Alicent took pity and so forth.

The man ran a hand through his hair. He needed to go to the rookery now. Criston maintained a long-standing chat with the youngest prince, Daeron. The boy seemed to be relatively ‘normal’ compared to the rest of the Hightower Dragon breed. Smart, valiant, knowledgeable, lacking that murderous instinct and eternal burning fire of hatred that Criston and Aemond shared. The kid was off to a good start already.

Criston looked through the plethora of ravens once he arrived, shoving off the Maester trying to help. He knew their raven— it had a strange white feather on the left wing. He smiled when he spotted the feather in question, cheering, “Aha, told you.” The Maester grumbled under his breath. Criston ignored it.

But the Maester did say in case the reader was curious: “Oathbreaking dornish viper curly haired pretty face bitch monger of marcher spawn.”

Meanwhile the Kingsguard unrolled the little letter and read with a soft curl of his lips.

“Dear Ser Criston,

I hope to be able to see you at the next tourney, I heard about you rendering Breakbones to Brokenbones! How amazing your skills are. I hope to be as good as a jouster and knight as you one day….blah blah blah

I hate to ask this but the question has been at my mind. Mother may have got very intoxicated her on her visit with Gwayne and I a fortnight ago now? She may have slipped in a rant of anger? Not at you though. But I must inquire, family to family, I consider you Ser as family. Even if we have never met!

Did you actually bed Rh—nyr-?

No need to answer if I have offended, have a splendid day good Ser! xoxo Prince Daeron Targaryen.”

Criston’s smile slipped into a frown. He gazed blankly into the mid-distance. Then stepped towards the nearest opening.

He stepped back and sighed. That felt better. He turned to the Maester scattered on the floor, apologizing. Criston tried to hold a hand out for help but the little man hissed, “You have problems Ser! I do not need those demons that haunt you!”

Well. The prick wasn’t wrong. Criston had other things to tend to. He probably should go see Helaena and the children now. The white knight was a busy sort and not even Lord Commander! He could draw pride from that, standing a little taller after the blow in the letter.

Jaehaerys and Jaehaera played on the floor with a handmaiden. Criston took a moment to pause. Aegon must’ve named the children. Why didn’t he get somewhat creative? He paused again. Helaena would’ve likely named the twins Spider and Spiderette so he’d just move on now, yep, nothing new with the Hightower Targaryens.

He looked at the handmaiden and inquired, “Where is the princess?”

She pointed to the opened door to the balcony. Criston sighed and walked out there to see her leaning precariously over the sides. His eyes widened and he ran over to yank her back. Helaena shrieked and yelped, “Do not move your feet! Don’t!” She still was in his arms, legs jerked up as she frantically looked around.

Criston stayed still, out of fear of whatever bug or creature’s life. If he were to accidentally squish it— oh gods the girl would be bedridden for a week. Helaena whispered, “You messed me up! I almost had her!” The knight replied drily, “Had who, my princess?” The princess went on to ramble about some sort of Summer Isles beetle.

Criston just stood like an idiot until there was a creeping on his neck. He hissed urgently, “I believe you should check my nape for your creature!”

Wide eyes stared. “Your what?”

“The fucking beetle is crawling on me! I do not wish to die a violent death princess!”

“Oh!”

The legs on his neck were removed and Helaena cradled a fierce looking orange beetle. Criston lowered her gently down, backing away. She chirped, “That would’ve hurt worse than three arrows sticking out of your head.” Criston shivered as blank eyes flicked up at him before back down to her pet. Now he was fit to ruin his breeches. Helaena sometimes scared him witless.

“Thanks Ser Cole, you did end up helping. The children are alright if that’s what you inquire,” she murmured while walking inside, him following her indoors. Criston nodded, still feeling strange. The princess smiled, “I need to return this beauty to her enclosure, thank you!”

He might have walked a little faster than what was reasonable out there. The arrows comment worried him more than the time she told Criston he should beware a ball of Butchers. He had no clue what the hell she meant but whatever! The dornishman would like to die without arrows or anything like a ball of butchers but that was up to the gods.

He sighed and decided to head to his quarters to rest a moment— he rarely received any these days. Criston wearily plodded to his cot and flopped down, just closing his eyes a bit.

SER CRISTON WAKE THE HELLS UP!

Criston sat upright, swinging at whatever was yelling at him, eloquently replying, “Baahmnnfhgh!” He stopped swinging when Aemond’s twin Valaerys cursed, “I’m not the damn villian, come with me!” She held out a gloved hand and he let the younger princess lead him out of the White Sword tower at a breakneck pace.

“Val, what is exactly the matter here, why are we running!”

She hollered over her shoulder, “Aemond is about to take off on his beast because he got a letter!”

“A letter? That’s silly!”

They took the hidden stairs down to the beaches. Val, Criston’s reluctant favorite, elaborated, “A letter from the bastards, asking about his fear of birds, and they may have put a dead bird in a package? I don’t know he was yelling and squawking all over the place!”

The knight exhaled sharply. He gets good sleep for once and it’s expended on the second son getting his feelings hurt. Well. Cole did kill a man for reminding him of his own hurt feelings. But that’s beside the point, he was sad okay? He felt like a dirty whore that night. No one needs to be the dirty whore!

“Okay, so Aemond’s supersized ego has been punctured because the bastards are aware of his fear of birds? Are you being serious Val?”

She stopped him dead in his tracks and hissed, “When am I not serious Cole? Really? Come on.”

Criston tried to hold back an erection. She was a force when angry. Alas, Valaerys was too young, too outside of his OATH, too hot in a pair of leather leggings- oh Godsdammit. He blinked the thoughts away and followed her to the beach head.

They stopped in their tracks to watch the second son holler at the sea, long blonde hair flipping to and fro. Criston and Val shared a look, watching the scene unfold of Aemond practically hopping in anger, hands fisted.

Criston recognized too much of himself in the angry lad. He hollered, “Quit yelling and come over here!” Aemond stopped throwing his fists and turned sharply. He hissed, “This has nothing to do with you two!”

Criston crossed his arms and replied, “Yes it does, your angry actions could affect the King’s health. I am the Kingsguard and therefore need you to come over here.” Val added on, “And you look like a crazed lunatic yelling at the ocean. Reminds me of the time Uncle Daemon got banished. Again. Rolling in the ocean weeping and such.” Criston grimaced at the thought of the melodramatic Prince, perverted freak.

Okay maybe he was one too but he slipped up once! Stop judging him!

Aemond huffed and stomped over, thin lips turned down as he glared. His lanky arms were firmly crossed over his chest. The prince managed, “I’m not afraid of birds. They’re fucking with me. I need to shame them and their puny dragons.”

Criston clasped a hand on Aemond’s shoulder, sighing, “You are afraid of birds, it’s alright son. But don’t go on the beast to burn Dragonstone, you’d be a bit outnumbered. Besides you’re much better a sword fighter and leader than those mongrels.” Valaerys nodded in agreement, braids bouncing.

Aemond took a look at the ocean and back to Criston, scoffing, “You’re right, I shouldn’t lower myself to childish antics. Oh and Cole, don’t move please. I think she smelt Dornish.”

Criston stiffened up suddenly. When did he not notice the looming figure and hot breath flapping his hair and cloak around. Val stifled a giggle, merlot eyes flashing. Vhagar’s big old ass was right behind him, ready for some scorched dornishman. Criston whispered angrily, “Get your damn dragon Aemond! That thing still thinks we’re in a war and you’re Visenya minus an eye!”

Aemond scoffed indignantly, “Vhagar is much smarter than that! She chose me!,” the blonde grumbled, “She does probably smell Dornish. Apologies Cole.”

Val snickered again before jolting upright when Vhagar made a particularly hungry noise. Aemond hollered at the thing in High Valyrian, waving his arms and pointing back to her spot carved on the beach. Criston shivered, eyes darting to the dragon and back to the princess.

The dragon snarled and huffed, Criston wincing before he heard heavy footfalls and the dragging of her tail. Vhagar was leaving the trio alone. The white knight swore on the Seven he would NEVER be that close to that BEAST ever AGAIN.

Aemond smiled, “There we are, didn’t need the help but here we are. Good night Ser Criston, night my sweet hell bitch sister.” Val rolled her eyes and made a bird noise, flapping her arms at the man. Aemond sniffed and hustled away, a certain stiffness to his posture. He’d go do…whatever Aemond did in his spare time.

Criston let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and sagged. He looked at Val’s amused expression and mumbled, “You got any problems?” She procured a wine-skin from under her dark cloak and hummed, “Some wine that needs to be emptied. Let’s get out of here before Vhagar decides to have a Dornish snack. I don’t think I have the skill to play Rhaenys.”

He shot back as they entered to tunnels, “You’re much too mean to play her. Anyways what’s the vintage?”

“Dornish Sangria, what else would you think,” she said, raising a sharp brow. Criston eyed Valaerys and praised the princess, “See, this is why you’re my favorite. Don’t have to deal with nonsense. I almost threw up on Aegon. Horrid.”

“Do tell me all about your wonderful day, probably more interesting than mine good Ser.”

They sat on a ledge, far away from Vhagar, and shared the wineskin. Criston felt okay with his day, nothing much but honest work. Somewhat. One can never be fully honest in the Red Keep. He took a sip and the corners of his lips turned up.

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

Yo you had a Joong dream? Tell me why I had a San dream. Specifically(here comes the delulu) I woke up several times bc I’ve had a migraine for two days and it’s been miserable 🙃, but when I fell back asleep this morning and woke up from this dream was at midnight(on his birthday) in Seoul.

The dream was a cute date, I can’t remember much but there was cuddling I think. I distinctly remember we were walking side by side outside, and he put his arm around my shoulders and I leaned in and put my arm around his waist. I leaned in further and wrapped my other arm around his waist from the front so I was like side hugging him while we were walking. I remember him being so warm and cozy(literally physically felt how warm he was) and very solid(?) if that makes sense. I just felt so safe and warm and cared for kinda. Like he was being very sweet, duh it’s San 🙄. And it started raining and he grabbed my hand and we started running to get to cover. And we did and ya ya blah blah we were soaking wet and laughing super hard and he was being cuddly while we waited for a ride so I didn’t get too cold. (That’s when I woke up) He was just so fucking warm and like solid and strong? Like big arms around me and like hugging him like just solid is the only word I can think of.

Annnyyywwaaayyysss now I want that gross cute shit and cuddles but I’m ALONE

But imagine you get under the cover after running through the rain and his tshirt is wet and stuck to him and yours is too and you’re freezing and he’s cuddling you but you can’t help but notice how fucking hot he looks because he’s being so so affectionate and caring and at the same time I can see his “rippling pectorals” through his shirt and his hair is wet and he just pushed it back with a couple pieces hanging in his face. So you get in a taxi and go back to his place and dry off. He changes into dry clothes and gives you a dry hoodie and sweats of his. He starts making you some tea and some soup, but you can’t shake the way your skin lights up every time he touches you. You decide sneak a cheeky little kiss on his kind of neck/shoulder and then he kisses you back on the forehead and tells you how beautiful you are in his clothes. He then strokes your cheek and asks if you’re still cold. You say yes so he pulls you into his arms. When you look up at him, the tension in the room could be cut with a knife. He leans in to kiss you and you accidentally let out a lil whimper. He pulls back to look at you quizzically and read your face but your pupils are blown out. You don’t even notice but you have a death grip on his shirt sleeves so he turns off the stove and says he’ll worry about the soup later and picks you up by the backs of your thighs and carries you to his room and proceeds to really warm you up and kisses every inch of your skin and then devours you like the good service top he is.

*sigh* yeahhhh….

Happy Sannie Day(and Sunday or whatever day it is for you) thank you for continuing to feed us romance and filth and I’m obsessed with your page. Keep being amazing and wonderful and stay thirsty 😉.

Xx,

🖤Anon

Babygirl, thank you so much for the DETAIL!!!

You left an entire bakery here for me and I ate ALLLLL THE CRUMBS AND PASTRIES!

I have nothing but appreciation to contribute to how beautiful your mind works and how romantic and sensual this moment feels.

San with dark, wet hair hanging in his eyes just does SOMETHING! ALOT OF THINGS TO ME!

The man could wear a potato sack and still look sexy and he's so talented and has such a soft soul and sparkling personality!!!

San honestly shows more care and nurture into Atiny's than I see some men do in their REAL-LIFE RELATIONSHIPS with their REAL PARTNERS!

I think that's why parasocial relationships with the members of Ateez are so severe because their paid fanservice is more fulfilling than most situationships and casual partners now.

They also need us as much as we need them which I didn't realise until I saw so many of fancalls with San where his face genuinely lights up at atiny's remarks and compliments.

So, I feel like the parasocial relationship on their end is more than what I was anticipating.

Anyway, I got my attention diverted but thank you for this beautiful piece of work, I will dream well tonight.

PLease keep commenting, sharing your thoughts, supporting and just being you :)

[brittlebonesguy]

time for season 8

NOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! lex is BACK???????? what, to haunt me? i thought i wouldnever see him again. and fucking TOM>??sexist, pervert tom? this has ruined my day. at least i know thisis the season boston rob meets his wife (amber) so that'll be fun at least. but i have a feeling this season is a stinker. ohgod and that "i'll do anything for you just to look at me" rob from the amazon season. kill me. "no body trusts anybody" boston rob says with his soon to be wife standing 2 feet away. i'm really only rooting for rupert. maybe amber, we'll see. sue you're gonna get brain parasites please. alicia is so right though, its day two who made amber and rob be in charge, richard is obnoxious shii ann say it louder! i want a season long combat between shii ann and richard, that would be funny. colby's face dropping the moment he sees jerri lol. he knows shes gonna hit on him again come merge. bye tina! sad it was you and not ethan

colby.....what does him being gay have to do with it. oh big tom how i loathe you. i actually don't want rudy voted out thanks. damn. okay bye old man. now that shii ann isnt surrounded by the worst filth possible i am liking her more. richard is crazy what was that? biting a shark back? i don't even care if sue is annoying. an enemy of tom is a friend of mine. sue, you are the love of my life. never leave. amazon rob really is just so pathetic. ah yes the classic jerri fight where she says the other person is controlling while also being controlling. she makes points but girl please. yes shii ann colby and lex are incredibly sexist and honestly please never speak to them again.

jenna we're doing this again? why did you come back. this whole thing of her leaving is so dramatic. of course tom would think that amazon rob is smarter than alicia... come on......NO ONE wants tom out? be serious. anyway bye amazon rob

this is colby's worst nightmare: jerri getting put on the same tribe as him. richard being naked on the balance beam think was.....definitely something and definitely gross. fuck YES boston rob winning against the show off with colby. jokes on you robby, i never though colby was tough. i agree that richard should go, however i feel like colby's motivation is homophobic, so actually i think he should stay. yes jerri, reject that alliance/vote. i love this shii ann and kathy alliance. FUCK YES bring jerry in the mix. richard, shii ann, kathy, and jerri? never thought i'd say this but dream alliance right there. kathy.....kathy please....don't ruin this for me. BOOOOOOOOO!!!!! i still have to deal with COLBY????? fuck you guys for getting my hopes up

yeah obviously doing a blinsdside would result in upset feelings kathy but sometimes you need to do them anyway. annoying. who gives a FUCK about LEX???? i forgot about how bug boston rob's ego is. i want shii ann to have a villian arc, and her origin story was colby making a snide comment at her. for sue's sake im glad richards gone because it was really fucked up. the victim blaming that happens with this show is crazy. i'm glad alicia is on her side. yeah im sure you're not sitting back because you suck or anything, ethan. lex they girls already had no compulsion to keep ethan and colby around, please stop patting yourself on the back. everyone being too callous about the whole situation is crazy. i agee with jenna in the splitting of the food. i take back everything i said, fuck kathy. its just the amount of "oh i know the guy and he would NEVER" blah blah.... and im sorry if something violates and humiliates you that much, then sometimes emotions come out, kathy. and its not pretty because its not suppose to be.

idk the jerri hate isn't sitting right with me... oh yay kathy got chosen to be safe...joy🙄. ethan's "some of us are heros and some of us are goats...and i'm a goat" has a completely different meaning now. colby not be annoying challenge failed. the way every cell, fiber, sinew, ligament, joint, nerve, and bone in my body LOATHES tom...if i have to see one more quirky music scene of him acting like a fucking idiot im beating jeff probst with my bare hands. actually lex there was an opportunity to get colby out last tribal, but that was jerri's idea so obvi we'll pretend that didn't happen because a woman came up with the idea. i love how petty jerri is. and yeah shii ann really should set aside her hatred for jerri and get out colby, which she won't because why would she make a move ever. she always talks about doing it but in the end she's just a floater. ethan is so dramatic no one gives a shit. "im sorry jerri to speak for you" "yeah please don't" that...is so funny. THE EVIL IS DEFEATED!!! fuck off colby NEVER come back. thank you shii ann, i take back what i said before and i hope you kick ass the rest of the season. also in defense of jerri, i have actually come around on her. she was right about the jerky, she was right about getting colby out. shes just RIGHT, not the most likable and a little annoying, but men get away with that shit all the time. case in point: ethan.

the men on the other tribe being so mad every time they lose to boston rob is so funny. idk....people making fun of rupert makes me sad. rupert's opinions about boston rob are so correct. i agree. serves boston rob right to miss horribly at the challenge. jerri don't feel too bad no one would have made those shots anyway. sometimes ethan is just so serial killer, i can see why him and lex are friends. why do the women of survivor always do this. they just trust mean implicitly. it makes no sense. "i just trust him, i don't know how to explain it" 🙄 bye ethan!! dont come back. i'm really liking shii ann as well. she's setting aside her personal opinions and seeing the bigger picture, which a lot of players don't do.

the ghandia slide of that book thing......distasteful. and now lex wolf whistling about a woman he doesn't even know. okay i know amber wins this season so im interested to see how she makes it out of this. because no way lex is like oh for sure rob i'll save your gf for a MAYBE alliance. again with this jerri hate. why can't we just vote out lex? i'm also SO SICK of lex being "in charge" and then telling people that thye're being voted out instead of just doing a blind side like hes the godfather or smth. i'll miss you jerri. why on earth does everyone think boston rob will keep his word? he literally doesn't. .......i hate tom. it's always rupert and the girlies. he refuses to play survivor unless he's got two women by his side. i wish men weren't the way they are tho.

exactly lex of course rob was gonna go back on his word. kathy......wtf. don't do that idiot. HA. thanks kathyyyyy. THE OTHER EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED!!!! as much as i hate him, i think lex is gonna make a funny juror.

god YES please get out big tom. ......cool rob is safe...😒 that foot shot of alicia was FOUL like back the fuck up. danm kath, i wish that worked out. shii ann is definitely going next. pagonging in an all stars season is so weak. please stir it up shii ann. i hope she gets immunity because.....its getting less interesting. when its just a majority alliance taking over and then going cannibal. i hope this challenge is a wake up call for alicia. and also i relate to her. i too would be emotional. jenna.....is annoying me. oh what a shock you're gonan give shii ann the bowl of rice, as if i didn't call that. rob is also really getting on my nerves. oh? only shii ann is obnoxious jenna? just herno one else here? miss oh im soooooo sorry alicia let me hug you even though we aren't friends and you don't want to be touched or talked to. alicia.....please just betray rob. fuck YES! shii ann got her first immunity. serves the tribe right for ousting her the way they are. its so rude. and the fact that not a single person will talk to her about game play at all is strange and telling. even though straying away from rob and aligning with shii ann is the better option for literally everyone but amber. "don't get too cocky sweetheart." honestly all of you can go fuck yourselves. 👆🏻you've been telling shii ann for days that shes leaving the first chance you guys get and are shocked when she doesn't really like you guys and tries like hell to win immunity, which everyone said "i'd be SHOCKED if she won that" assholes. she was gloating, alicia, because you guys say that she can't win anything and also SHE WAS GOING HOME TONIGHT. like....use your fucking brain. wow very original getting rid of alicia. can rob just leave already.

rupert didn't care about you not catching to fish jenna, he's upset because no one helped him gut and clean them, which all 120lbs of you could have handled. i will miss you shii ann. truly. and the truck curse still prevails. i......do not know how amber wins. and rob wins again 🙄. this game play.. consider me....bored. YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!! the final evil has been defeated. go fuck yourself tom if you EVER come back im personally castrating jeff probst.

jenna saying that she's taking fate into her hands by voting out rupert so they don't go to rocks when her literal only two options are vote the way shes being told or go to rocks. ........ i dislike you. oh rupert i wish you had won that immunity 🫤. jenna acting like she's gonna go to rocks....like we all know you're gonna write ruperts name and go to final three (which is as far as you'll go btw). thanks for nothing jenna. no closer to a million than if you actually let it up to chance. and the final immunity goes to rob😐. this romance is so barf. kathy.....that was brutal. i hope rob feels awful after that. "since you're so interchangeable" jenna pleasekjadkjasnkjsbf. tom just sounds fucking drunk all the time. they were absolutely ruthless. rob and amber look SO upset about it too.

cbs is just letting their star host hang out of a helicopter with harness? bold. rob dominated jeff 🤨. okay then. congrats amber! i don't care for your husband. the "you suck" in the audience while lex was talking was me actually. the booing for jerri is a little much jesus. and yet colby gets nothing but cheers? i know sexism when i see it. no seriously lex is being the biggest hypocrite there is. assholes. all the booing made jerri leave. justice for my girl. JENNA AND ETHAN??? girl.....say sike. youre dating him??????? oh so they get to go on a cruise after being voted off huh? thats pretty nice. the audience voting for another winner and i think kathy saying "its rupert!" very true. colby is a contender? 😐that the fuck were some of those sexiest survivors? ROBB??? the man who just finally understood what empathy was? the fuck. AND TOM IS A CONTENDER FOR THE MONEY???? thankfully rupert won because i would have flipped if it was any of the others. all in all this season was kind of disappointing considering it was all stars. it had its juicy moments but it got bogged down by all the people i don't like so I'm gonna give it....5.8 out of 10

[kayf555xo]

so i haven’t gone to school in two days (i’ve been nauseated and exhausted for some reason) and now i am petrified to go back to school. this happens every time. i am peaceful and calm in my filth and sickness at home chilling and then “ok i will definitely be ready to go to school by tomorrow…so i need to get my entire life together and wake up at 5:00 am and take a shower TONIGHT and stress and stress and stress and look really good and cool and pretty and have all the class work i missed done before my first class and practice my tone, facial expressions, and what i will say for when my friends tell me they missed me, and for when my teachers tell me what i missed blah blah blah oh i need to be ready early and oh let’s do this makeup tomorrow omg i need to sleep i won’t be able to get up!!! maybe i’ll just fake being sick tomorrow and stay home again. i don’t know what to do. omg i get to see the boy i’m in love with though. but nooo i have to spend 8 and a half hours at school this is going to be so bad. no. i need to be positive and get back into the groove of things. oh my god im going to die in 9 days”

[phoebehalliwell]

I am having Thoughtstm about Bianca.

Have you thought about what her relationship would be with the rest of the Halliwell brood? Like does she get along with white!future Wyatt and Melinda? And what does she think of Henry Jr and his desire to make his Mark on the Halliwell Line?

Also I for some reason see her getting along really well with Dency? I know they don’t exist in the same universe but I could see them being friends? Maybe roasting Chris together and being good sparring partners? I think she’d dig Dency’s little detective thing she’d got going… and I know Bianca is with Chris but like… Bianca x Dency ? 👀 👀 Could be cute 😂😂

okay so for starters i think bianca gets along p well with all of the next gen but like. it wasn’t an immediate thing like. i think esp with wyatt because wyatt really is kind of like. like he's the kind of epitome of the next generation son of a charmed one and a whitelighter he's hella powerful blah blah blah and like. he kinda sits at the top of his class. which is like bianca. so i think bianca thought that wyatt would be like her because you know how like if you're only raised around people like you you kind of start thinking like how your brain works is how like everyone's brain works? i think bianca thinks wyatt is like her so she doesn't like him because well. you can guess. but i think upon meeting wyatt i mean he's just really like gentle really passive he doesn't like. like he doesn't hate magic. but it doesn't feel ingrained in him despite who he is he doesn't live for the battle like looking at him you see no markers that he's one of the most powerful witches of his generation and bianca's kinda just like huh. you don't have to feel the compulsive need to be the best at everything all the time and like make sure people know you're the best and also people kind of hate you for it because they'll never be as good as you so u decide to hate them first you decide you will be the bitch you craft a persona they're basically guaranteed to hate so when they reject you it's on your terms you wanted them to do that you basically forced their hand because the alternative is being genuine and that way if they do reject you it's not a mask they just saw you and didn't like you because let's be real there's not much to like. and wyatt's like hmm. no? i think she wouldn't really get along as well with wyatt as she would with chris because her and chris are very much both witches at heart you can feel it in everything they do but i don't think she like. doesn't get along with wyatt. i mean okay for starters wyatt kind of operates the opposite as bianca whereas bianca will throw up her stone cold alpha bitch mask before anyone can decide whether or not they like her again she kind of forces their hand because she needs this to be on her terms. wyatt does the exact opposite because again the elders almost killed him as a bebe and he's always kind of worried that some day they'll realize he as a person is just not worth the risk so he tries to be so super likable and genial and like. good witch!! at all times. and it's kind of like calls to like game recognizes game where both bianca and wyatt can tell the others wearing a mask no one's that nice and no one's that cold so like. i do think they like each other. they feel like they can be honest around each other (eventually. it does take wyatt a very long time to overcome that phoenix hurdle because again he's well read he knows what's up he knows they're like an organization of like superwitches smart deadly all of the above and he doesn't wanna be. giving up his secrets to them you know? much less the halliwell secrets. but i think once it becomes clear that bianca is her own person once she breaks from the phoenix then like. like you know they have to trust each other first. but once they do, they're buddies) i also think bianca's studied art history so i think they can talk about that and chris is like. okay? because like. no he gets it shure it's cool but also how long reasonably can you talk about a single painting like come on now.

as far as melinda goes i think like i think melinda comes off as really passive really kind a nurturing type like in her day to day life or whatever like oh she's such a sweetheart but she's kind of shy again like s1 piper is really my jumping off point for mellie that and she has leo's big heart That Being Said i do not think that shows At All when she's home i think she drags her brothers for filth like nail on the head baby she's like. if you're being a dick (which, between chris and wyatt, happens relatively frequently) she's gonna call you out on it!! in a very brutal and personalized, but at the same time still kinda funny way. she definitely has receipts. so i think just first hearing the way chris and bianca engage the way she like. like she respects chris's skills as a witch bianca does she thinks he's very talented she would trust him with her life but at the same time chris u fuckin idiot i think they have a very playful raport but bianca is very starstruck by him she's never lost in the layer and layers or fog that surround chris's identity i think like too many of chris's lis (not that he like ever does relationships really) are just kinda like. lost in the image. whether it's charmed one or brooding skinny brunet w daddy issues they are many images of chris u can see instead of the real one but bianca sees chris as he is which i think gives her immediate points from melinda melinda is also an empath and i do think bianca is protected against empaths but like melinda's like oh you two are In Love in love. as far as personal relationships go between melinda and bianca i think melinda would be the one who most consciously tries to make bianca feel like a part of the family like a halliwell. chris, respectfully, i love him, doesn't think of like. inviting her to some family events, especially not early in the relationship because like. he just doesn't. but melinda's like chris!! thanksgiving u gotta invite her 2 thanksgiving. because again. melinda can't feel bianca. but like. she's been an empath her whole life she knows what she's looking at and like. bianca needs a loving family. and she is totally willing to provide that!! and then for what it's worth i think despite all her skill bianca isn't nearly as good at reading mel as melinda is at reading her. like i think she sees the soft external melinda and then the melinda who roasts her siblings and is like okay i kinda get it. and like melinda want to be a nurse or doctor she wants to fuse her empath with a mortal career to best help people like sure. but i think like. but them on a solo mission together (i guess duo mission) and bianca'll fine she's just really misread melinda like in general what she thought she was looking at is not the witch melinda is and i think it's just because bianca's unaccustomed to seeing someone who has power like melinda who can fight like melinda who undeniably has her mother's unbreakable fierce spirit just be like how melinda is in her day to day life. like someone who's that great at what she does just choose kindness and gentleness daily not because the elders are breathing down her neck or like she needs allies or like she has some epic prophecy to fill she just like. chooses kindness because she wants to. she wants a kind world. and bianca's like huh. bc lowkey forgot that was an option. but it's difficult seeing all the shit bianca has.

in regards to henry i think henry jr and bianca get along famously because they just like feel really similar like. like bianca was never liked in the phoenix because well a) she's a bitch b) she's the best and c) like she was always clearly people favorite so like. others were it was jealously call a spade a spade this is like elementary era it's jealousy when you're eight and trying your hardest and the other eight year old gets praise the praise u really want and she didn't even try she didn't even care she didn't have to because she's just so much better than you. like!! yeah so kids at school never liked her, esp within the phoenix (ftr i think phoenix go thru a normal education system so like can like function/blend in real well in normal society and then Also go to phoenix academy, so kinda like what gen2 does with magic school). bianca's never fit it, but she's also wicked smart. so kinda like henry! like paige kind of runs magic school henry's sisters go there like henry's been at magic school. he doesn't take classes, but he's always there. he burns through the books in the library. he knows everyone just calls him the mortal, he doesn't care, because he also knows they know he's smart than them like if they could swallow their pride and ask him for help like most of these kids would become better witches but they don't because henry's a mortal. bianca doesn't care, the kid knows his shit. so what if he doesn't have powers, like, dude, he's basically a walking encyclopedia, and he's read the book of shadows cover to cover like a dozen times, do you know how rare that knowledge is? that's the sacred book of the warren line like that's a crucial ancestral item and henry's like. like in bianca's mind not only is henry a warren witch like he's Thee warren witch no other person alive knows that magic better than him. i also think they have similar senses of humor.

dency!! i mean i think if dency were born any later she'd be besties with like all the phoenix i think magic isn't at a stage where they're really integrated into society yet and there's still kind of that cultish structure but that's not the reason light magic doesn't engage right they don't deal with the phoenix because they're neutral so they will work with demons meaning working with them as a light magic practitioner is forbidden. and then for what its worth i think dency being demon/charmed one is really gonna herald in an era of just kinda like acceptance for those who are neutral or even born of dark magic but like. that hasn't happened. yet. but like. in regards to bianca specifically. i think they'd vibe. i think bianca would throw up her cooler than u bitch personality as she always does and i think dency'd be so into it. and then, of course, dency doesn't look down her nose at the phoenix like most other witches do, again, because she's the source's heir. from what vantage point can she judge others? i think for bianca just seeing someone who's so kinda unabashedly themselves like honest about it too dency's not like. a role model. like there's penn who's really put together and always trying to seem pristine and polite and then they're dency who like hasn't showered in four days because she's out of shampoo so she needs to buy some Then she can shower. there's like. an honest about being kinda uncool kinda a fuck up that makes dency like. cool. like because we all do it (maybe not specifically the shampoo thing, but) like we all have some elements of ourselves that are just kind of truly pathetic and dency doesn't try to cover it up with some shiny veneer she doesn't she not like wyatt with his perfect mask or even bianca with her bitch one dency doesn't wear a mask take me or leave me baby and i think bianca really loves her for that. it genuinely depends on were in the timeline in chrisbianca does bianca meet dency because like. dude. powercouple. i don't think it'd go anywhere i don't think we're necessarily hitting soulmatism or kinda the raw vulnerability we'll get from a latestage chrisbianca but like. dude. like. 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀. like. !

[mochismilesbrighterthansun]

Please give Seokjin some love! 26 and 56 from your prompts list, and if you could make it an elite!AU (both Seokjin and Y/N being heirs/CEOs) then even better. ❤ Hope you'll consider it! 🙏

26. “Your parents would be royally disappointed if they saw what you have on right now. Even more disappointed at what I’m thinking about doing to you.”

56. “You better muffle yourself with a pillow then, because I’m not stopping.”

A/N: This took longer than expected and is longer than expected sorry!

You tightened your tie in frustration. You were running late for school again, you had tried to stay home but your father had said that that would not give a good impression to the rest of the people. You went to school at one of the most prestigious schools. Having an important last name was both a blessing and a curse. Often being scolded for doing even the smallest of things and sometimes getting away with stuff. 

You grabbed your backpack and headed towards the entrance where your driver waited for you to drive you to school. You glance one more time to find your father but he had already disappeared into his studio. 

“Y/N?” the driver called. “You’ll be late.”  

You sighed and walked into the open door. Only to have it shut almost instantly. You hated how much it was expected of you. You were always required to be on your best behavior and never to be out of line. You wanted so bad to just leave everything behind. Your life was already planned out for you. Most of your friends you weren’t sure if they were real friends or just attracted to your last name. 

The car came to a halt and the door opened again. You exited the car and went to walk inside the school. You went directly to your locker where instantly you were swarmed by your friends. All asking about a party that was hosted by a very important person. You weren’t sure why your friends cared so much about these parties. You found them boring and long. 

And then you saw him. He walked past you and winked at you when he saw you staring. 

“Seokjin is eye fucking you again.” Lucy said crassely. 

You rolled your eyes and glanced one more time into his direction. Everyone wanted his attention. Girls, Boys. Damn even teachers wanted him on their side. Kim Seokjin was part of probably the most important family in Washington. Born into the family that created military weapons and supplied the entire government. Everyone knew him and wanted him to remember his name. 

The worst part of everything was the way he looked. His black hair parted to the side exposing his forehead, his plump lips. His height and those wide shoulders that even you had to admit in the deepest darkest part of your mind you wondered what it would be like to wrap your arms around. Scratch them, anything to have him. 

But no, you covered your attraction with disdain and all you wanted was to kill the bastard. He played a dangerous game with you as he would not waste opportunity to swipe that sinful tongue of his across his plump lips. Or wink at you whenever he passed by. He knew what he was doing to you and did not care one bit. 

You shook your head and looked back at Lucy, “As if, the bastard can choke for all I care,” you slammed the door to your locker and headed to class with your friends. 

You stared at the clock, only twenty more minutes and you could leave. You dreaded days like this, time moved so slowly. You glanced at the teacher and raised your hand. 

“Yes Y/N?” the teacher asked almost bored. 

“I need to use the little girls room.” you said sweetly. 

“Grab the pass and go.” 

You rose from your seat and went happily. You walked through the empty corridors and almost reached the restroom where you would waste the rest of this class time. 

“I knew I recognized that ass.” Seokjin called right behind you. 

You turned around and groaned. 

“Stop looking at it and you won’t recognize it.” 

“Come on doll. You know you want to. I’m so handsome, and that’s not the best part.” 

“Don’t call me that, and no I don’t want to.” 

“You didn’t ask what the best part was.” 

You rolled your eyes as he leaned in. 

“The best part is my cock, and I know how to use it.” 

Your eyes popped open and you glanced around to see if someone had heard him.

“You know you want to know, at least now. If I know how to use it. And I do Y/N. I’d make you feel so, so good if you let me.” he kissed your cheek leaving you in a trance. “Think about it.” he winked and walked away from you. 

To say you were in a bad mood for the next couple of days would be an understatement. Seokjin’s words had an effect on you and you couldn’t stop picturing him on top of you. Underneath you. It didn’t matter. It didn’t help the way he looked in his uniform. And how he looked in those dark blue sweatpants and only in a white shirt. 

But you would never accept it. You would rather die before admitting his words or just anything about him affected you. So you took the other road. You pretended to not see the way he would stare at your ass, or the way he would look down at your boobs any chance he got. Or the slow tantalizing way he would lick those plump lips.

“Y/N.” you were the only one left in the locker room and you groaned quietly at his voice. “Y/N.” he sang again closer this time. 

“Seokjin, I can tell the coach you came in here while I was changing. You realize that right?” you called alerting him of your location. 

He reached you and leaned against the locker crossing his arms across his chest. Your mouth watered at the sight of his white shirt pulling. The fabric did little to conceal his tight muscles underneath. 

“I was only calling out to a schoolmate, didn’t see you come out and thought you passed out in here.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Yeah I am sure it was all concern blah blah blah.” you reached for your uniform from your locker and then looked directly at him. “Well? I am okay you can leave now.” you ushered trying to push past him, but he did not allow it. 

“Come on Y/N, how long are we going to play this game?” he uncrossed his arms and started walking towards you. 

“Wha- what game?” your voice wavered. 

“This game where you pretend you don’t want me to fuck you silly.” 

You almost groaned at his words. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” 

“Let’s make a small deal, I’ll tell you what I want to do to you and if you say you don’t want it.” he raised his hands in surrender. “I’ll back off.”   

“Hurry and say it so you can head out.” You agreed. 

He smirked then and reached for you but you swatted his touch away. 

“You said you would tell me, no touching.” 

“That’s fine, I think I’d start with tasting you.” You swallowed. “I am dying to taste that pussy, to suck on that clit but most of all you know what I want?” He asked, reaching for your face, you were so dazed you did nothing to push his touch away. His thumb traced your lips, “I want to see how pretty this lips look wrapped around my cock as you choke on it.” You almost fell to your knees for him then. He knew the reaction he was getting for you and he leaned closer, against your ear, “And you’d beg me to choke on it.” he said. “After that I’d pound you, so hard you wouldn’t be able to walk for a week.” he leaned back to see your face, your eyes were looking everywhere but towards him. He took the opportunity to lean in and kiss you. It was soft, so different to all the filth that had just come out of his mouth. 

Slowly he deepened the kiss and did it more aggressively and you responded equally aggressively. Desperate to know if what he had just said was true. You said nothing as his hand slipped past the waistband of your sweats to touch you through your underwear, you tried to ignore the groan that he let out when he felt how wet you were. 

“Jin.”  You moaned. 

“You’re so wet baby, tell me what you want.” 

He began running his slender fingers along the edge of your pantie waiting for your confirmation or denial. And you were about to give in when you heard the door slamming open. 

“Y/N! Come on, we are waiting!” Lucy yelled from the entrance. 

You pushed Jin away. “I’m coming! Just give me a minute please!” 

After the door slammed closed you snapped out of your daze to a chuckling Seokjin. 

“Baby if you wait a minute you might just cum.” 

“Go away Seokjin.” 

“Oh, it’s Seokjin now not Jin.” He teased. “After seeing you like that I can’t wait to have you bouncing on my cock babe, and you will sooner or later you will come begging for it and when you do wear something pretty underneath.” He blew a kiss your way and left. 

For the next couple of weeks you avoided him like the plague, you wanted to do nothing with this devil man that had dazed you so bad to the point of almost giving in. You hated remembering the feel of his fingers almost against you. Or the way his voice sounded so tantalizing. Or the swipe of his tongue across his plump lips. You shook your head trying to erase the thoughts. But it was too late. He had done a number on you and it was horrible, you had to stop thinking about him. 

But at night it was harder to stop thinking about him, your hand wandered on it’s own as you thought about his words. His tongue, you could only imagine the things he could do with it. But you did your hardest to ignore it, that’s all you could do really. 

It was Saturday and the commotion downstairs woke you up. You wrapped your fluffy robe around your body and looked out onto the balcony to see people setting up a big table and several floral arrangements around. You went downstairs and saw your mother directing everyone. 

“Mom?” She turned to look at you before delivering instructions to the boy with the flowers. 

“Y/N, you’re up before noon on a Saturday that has to be a personal best.” she said walking towards you. 

You rolled your eyes. “You all woke me up.” 

“We are having a family dinner with a potential partner your father has. He invited him and his family over for dinner, we have to make a good impression.” 

“I see, guess I’ll go get ready.” You knew about these dinners and you hated them. They were all boring and so long. You couldn’t wait for this one to be over already. 

After you ate breakfast you went back into your room and began getting ready. You knew you had to make a good impression even if this included you being quiet in the background. 

You ended up deciding to wear a simple black dress. You could never go wrong with those. You grabbed the black heels in your closet and laid them on the floor. It was still a bit early so you relaxed. 

You could tell when the family arrived, the voices downstairs got louder. Finally you put your shoes on and decided to go downstairs. But when you reached the end of the stairs you wished you hadn’t, Seokjin stood there in a black suit and a black shirt underneath the top button undone. 

When he saw you he smirked and looked at you from bottom to top and made you blush, you had already listened to all the filthy things he wanted to do to you. You looked everywhere but at him, you said hi to his parents and walked as fast as you could to the dining table away from him. 

But as luck would have it he took the seat next to you. He acted charming towards everyone, your mom berated you with just a look at how quiet you were. 

Suddenly he placed his hand on your knee. You immediately pushed it away but undeterred he did it again and again until you stopped pushing it. You turned to look at him and he met your eyes as his hand slowly inched to your upper thigh daring you to say something. 

But you didn’t, you allowed him to continue to knead your thigh. Until he reached a little bit too high and you choked on the chicken you were eating. 

“Excuse me.” You ran to the nearest bathroom and closed the door as you coughed uncontrollably. You heard the door opening to see Seokjin standing there with a smirk. “You can’t be in here.” You whispered harshly. 

“Can you stop pretending for two seconds that you are not affected or that you don’t want this as much as I do?” He cornered you against the sink, slowly he leaned as if giving you an out but when you didn’t move he dove in and kissed you. 

As soon as your lips made contact it felt like heaven, you moaned into the kiss as he deepened and kissed you more aggressively. He lifted you onto the sink as you wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him closer, he pushed your dress to reveal the stockings you were wearing, when he felt the edge of the fabric he growled and pushed more desperately. 

“Fuck” he muttered. He pulled away but you pulled him right back in. “Y/N, which one is your bedroom?” He asked trailing kisses along your jaw, you leaned back to allow him as much access as he wanted. “Y/N?” He mumbled against your skin. 

“The one with the balcony…. fuck.” He was placing wet kisses against your throat 

“When I come, wear only these.” He grabbed at your stockings. “And these fucking heels.” 

“Just fuck me right now.” You grabbed onto him and pulled him against you. You could feel his hardness against your core and you both moaned at the contact. 

“I can almost feel how wet you are. But I can’t fuck you in here not how I want to.” He pulled back and eyed you. “Maybe another day I can fuck you in here, stuff your mouth full of cock so you can’t scream.” You closed your eyes imagining it. 

“I can do it right now.” 

You saw something shift in his gaze. “I’m gonna fuck you so hard, you’ll never want another dick.” He pecked your lips and left you in a daze. 

You had to excuse yourself after a little while, you couldn’t stand being so close to Seokjin. You went into your bedroom debating if doing what he had asked you to. But you doubted he was going to show up to your bedroom at this time. You took your dress off and your heels. You were about to start taking your stockings off when you heard a soft knock. You grabbed your robe and secured it around your body as you went to open the door. 

As you did Seokjin pushed his way inside. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I told you to keep the heels on.” He demanded pushing the robe off your body. “Fuck, your parents would be royally disappointed if they saw what you have on right now. Even more disappointed at what I’m thinking about doing to you.” 

You almost moaned at his words. “Show me.” 

He smiled, “I wanted to take my time with you but that will have to wait for next time right now I want you so bad.” He kissed you then grabbing onto your ass and lifting you off the ground. 

He tossed you onto the bed and gazed at the floor, you frowned but then saw him picking up your heels. He put them on you, “When I tell you to leave something do it.” He said, he spread your legs and you almost closed them feeling exposed, “don’t worry babe, I just want a taste.” He pushed your underwear to the side and licked from the bottom to the top. You moaned and fisted the sheets. He got on his knees and tore the underwear from your body. “Fuck you taste so sweet I could drown in this pussy.” He took his time undressing himself. “Touch yourself and show me how you were getting off to thoughts of us together.”

You began with your breasts and then a hand trailed lower until you reached your pussy. You rubbed your clit and threw your head back. 

“Tell me.” He demanded. 

“I thought …. of you touching me…” you moaned as quietly as you could. 

“Open your eyes.” He demanded above you. You opened them to see his naked chest. You didn’t have to look lower to see he was completely naked, you felt his dick against the inside of your thigh. “Did you think of me fucking you?” You nodded. He moved your lace bra out of the way and latched on your nipple. “Keep going baby.” You rubbed circles as he continued to suck on your nipple. “Do not cum or I’ll be mad” 

You groaned. “Please Seokjin please let me, I’m so horny please.” 

“Only when my cock is inside you, only then do you get to cum.” You groaned as he gave the same attention to the other nipple. He saw with satisfaction as you brought yourself to the brink and then stopped only to have him bite on your nipple, “I didn’t say you could stop, keep going.” He demanded. When he saw you couldn’t take it any longer he pushed his dick inside you and covered your mouth with his hand as your walls tightened around him. He almost came. “You’re so fucking tight baby, just lik I knew you would be.” He began thrusting slowly. “Fuck I pictured this so many times in my head, blew my load all over my fucking hand just thinking about having you like this.” His thrusts began increasing. “All spread out begging for my cock.” His pace became relentless and you could hear your headboard beginning to slam against the wall. 

Suddenly he pulled out of you and you groaned at the loss. He chuckled. 

“Calm down baby, I am not gonna stop.” He flipped you and pulled your ass on your hands and knees and pushed himself inside you. Instead of him slamming into you he grabbed your hips tightly and began pulling you towards him in hard fast thrusts. 

“Jin slow down… fuck yes right there!” You almost screamed as he slammed your hips against him. “Jin” you moaned. 

“Yes fuck yes scream my name baby come on whose pussy is this now?” He pulled you onto a kneeling position and reached for your clit. “Tell me whose cunt this is Y/N.” 

“Fuck yours! Jin I’m all yours…. fuck you can have me anyway you want.” You all but screamed. 

“That’s right no one gets to have this, you’re mine from now on.” He slapped your clit eliciting loud moans from you. 

“Jin…. fuck …. yes fuck me please harder.” You moaned as he pulled you on his dick, there was sweat running on both your bodies but he seemed undeterred. “Fuck … my parents Jin we …… fuck.. “ you couldn’t get complete sentences out at the hard pounding he was giving you. 

“You better muffle yourself with a pillow then, because I’m not stopping.” He pushed you on your hands and knees again and resumed his brutal pace, you reached for a pillow and began screaming into it as he reached for your clit and kept pounding into you. “Cum for me again…” he hunched over you and sucked on your neck as he ribbed circles over your clit, “cum baby just for me come on” and with another thrust you came, you buried your face into the pillow as you screamed at your release. 

He didn’t stop he kept going and rubbing your clit you almost slapped his hand away at the sensitivity but he kept going. “I know you can cum one more time for me baby come on.” Resuming his pace soon you felt pleasure and came, his dick pulsating inside of you as you felt his cum inside. He stayed inside of you thrusting until he was done. You felt the cum starting to leak from you but you stayed basking in the bliss. “We’re together now right?” He said, catching his breath. 

You looked at him shocked and smiled, “yeah I guess we are.” 

“Good cause I meant what I said, no one gets to fuck you ever again but me.” 

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 08 + 09.11.20 lbs

08.11.20

lmaoooooooo i really love the ice cold way siya operates in. truly a raisinghania sib!

“siya chal sakti hai!!!” behen, iss ghar mein tumhare dimaag ki alaava sab kuch chalta hai.

dadi trying to cheer raja band baja hua beta up with his favt. chole bhature. he doesn't seem like the kind who'd eat that kinda food, but ok.

CHOLE BHATURE ARE NOT CHEERING HIM UP. MATLAB MAAMLA SERIOUS HAIIIIII.

lmao he's literally twisting and turning in place like kids do when they have a tantrum. i mean, i like it. it shows a more human side to the character, ki just how much anguish and helplessness he's feeling.

dadi like babe, you can't control everything in life, stop being such a bloody control freak ki things not going your way turn you like this.

blah blah anguished rant on how he lost something so important to him.

dadi giving cliche ~~~if it's meant to be yours, it'll come back to you~~~ advice. which is kinda working on him. huh. all kindsa out of sorts behaviour.

“jab tuney kisi ke saath galat nahi kiya hai, toh tere saath galat kyun hoga?” uh okkkkkkkkkkk, that's not how life works. bad shit happens to good ppl all the time. also, he's done lotsa galat shit ok. what did riddhima do for this fucker to paralyse her huh?????? YEH SAB USSI KA NATEEJA HAI. BHUGAT AB.

carbs therapy. BEST HAI. ALWAYS WORKS. IT'S SCIENCE, BITCHES.

dadi saying why don't you talk to riddhima about your issues, and lol he's whining about she dgaf about him coz she left him alone last night when he asked her not to.

dadi left praying ki hey bhagwaan these two fucks’ relationship is in your hands now, this is beyond human interference.

kabir being informed of new developments and accusation of kidnapping ragini is being heaped on siya. BASED ON WHAT EVIDENCE YOU STUPID TWIT??????? THAT SHE CAN WALK??????? SO CAN EVERYONE ELSE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

“mujhe usse vansh ke aage expose karna hoga.” LMAO BITCH EXPOSE YOURSELF FIRSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

“tum kya mujhe expose karogi? expose toh main tumhe karungi!” YES SIYAAAAAAAAA FUCK  HER UPPPPPPPPPP

NOICE. WE LOVE A FIERCEASS SISTER WHO’S READY TO KILL FOR HER SIBLINGS. ESP. WHEN IT’S THE SCARY BIG BROTHER WHO’S EVERYONE’S PROTECTOR.

siya saying she just miraculously got cured a few days ago, and was waiting to surprise everyone. sounds sus, but whatever.

but also what kinda terrribleasssssss physiotherapist is riddhima that she didn’t even identify her patient’s progress?????

LMAO SIYA POL KHOLING OF VANSH BHAIYYA SAYING HE MADE HER DO ALL THE SHADY MASK SHIT. “TO KEEP RIDDHIMA SAFE”. haaaan behen, khooooob safe rakha tumne, baar baar behosh karke. pehle se hi iska dimaag nahi chalta, now you’ve managed to give her some kinda degenerative brain disease.

i love how vansh didn’t bother to ask siya how she stopped riddhima’s plans and knocked her out multiple times if she’s in a wheelchair. there’s literally only one person in a wheelchair in this house?!?!?!!!!!! wouldn’t riddhima KNOW who the person in the mask is???? god vansh. you’re such a dumbass.

lellllllllllllllllllllllllll i am livingggggggggg for siya reading riddhima to filth with a knife in her hand THIS IS THE BEST SCENE OF THIS SHOW YET. esp in her small, child-like voice, it’s fucking amazing.

riddhima admitted to being a spy, AND SIYA RECORDED IT ALSO. OMFG SHE’S MY NEW FAVE CHARACTER I LOVE HER THE MOST.

i wish vansh was the person he is to siya, instead of the fucker he actually is. she literally thinks the worldddddddddddd of him. ugh, i am so soft for this relationshippppppp.

but i also wanna know what the ishani/siya relationship is like? we hardlyyyyyy see them interact. like, we even see aryan push her wheelchair around sometimes, but ishani neverrrrrrr interacts with siya. why????

ugh riddhima managed to convince her that she really cares for vansh and is trying to do the right thing. she’s literally asking her to kill her rn if she doesn’t trust her. baby sis you’re farrrrrrrrr too trusting.

“mera dimaag tumpe trust karne se rok raha hai, riddhima, par jiss dil ne tumhe bhaabi bola haina, woh tumhe ek mauka dena chahta hai. ek aakhri mauka. iss baar mera bharosa mat todna. 24 ghante hai tumhare paas. apni taqdeer badal sako toh badal lo warna yeh audio main vansh bhaiyya ko suna doongi.” SERIOUSLY, WHERE WERE THEY HIDING THIS MOST SAYAANI CHARACTER OF THE SHOW TILLLLLL NOW????????!

riddhima has a condition for siya too. i think i know what it is.

omg vansh IS COLLAR PAKADKE YELLING AT ANGRE IN THE WORST WAYYYYYYY POSSIBLE. god vansh, you’re honestly the fucking worstttttttttttttttttttt. angre you need to take up work with someone else, istg, you don’t deserve this shit. kabir treats his sidekick so much better. yet another point in the kitty for kabir >>>>>> vansh.

seriously, why would you wanna blindfold this dude when he’s in THIS mood????? save it for the bedroom, sis.

empty wheelchair dekh ke he’s yelling at everrrrrrrryone ki how could they leave siya alone somewhere. god. i can’t imagine having to live with such a toxic personality.

everyone in the house is soooooo happy for siya. like, aryan’s not beaming as much as the others, but he does look kinda pleased. BECAUSE SIYA IS BEST CHARACTERRRRRRR OF THIS SHOW EVERYONE LOVESSSS HERRRRR.

oh my heart, i am so softttttttt for sibling shit like this. he’s hugging her with suchhhhhhhhhhhh fierceeee affection, i’m crying happy tearsssssss.

heart eyes for riddhima who supposedly cured her. pls. she did nothing. jo bhi karna tha, siya ne khud kiya hai. iss ridhimma manhoos ko jasoosi se kab fursat mili to do PT with siya and cure her???

siya being gracious and giving credit though. ugh, honestly, this show and this family don’t deserve siya.

lmao she’s saying vansh brought riddhima in though, so actually allll the credit goes to bhaiyya for intimidating this poor woman into treating his sister against her will.

THE AFFECTION. THE SHEER MAGNITUDE OF HIS LOVE FOR HERRRR. I CRIEEE. THIS IS THE ONLY RELATIONSHIP THAT MATTERS TO ME IN THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW.

anupriya giving some fakeass congrats. i hope siya tells vansh that she was the one who pushed her down the stairs a while back. aur kuch nahi toh just for that vansh is gonna kill her dead.

riddhima and vansh still all tense and sad about the ragini thing. OUFF JUST LIVE IN THE MOMENT YOU FUCKS.

I LOVE HER. I FUCKING LOVE HER. BEST RAISINGHANIA HAI YEH.

———————————————————————

09.11.20

riddhima back at kabir’s to try and find ragini. ughhhhhhhhh i’m just so done with this nonsense. we already KNOW that kabir and anupriya still have her based on the precap from like 2, 3 days ago.

lol kabir is so pissed at riddhima and her dimaag chalaana. a mood we ALL share.

kabir trying to turn riddhima against siya and riddhima’s like NOOOO SHE COULD NEVER, “USKI AANKHEIN USKI AWAAAZ SAAF SAAF KEH RAHI THI KI WOH SACH BOL RAHI HAI!” uh huh, yeah, like kabir’s are rn????? and vansh’s were before he paralysed you? just a suggestion i’m throwing out there: is it possible that perhaps, just maybe, you’re just very fucking stupid, riddhima, and tend to trust people too easily????

OUFF I’M SO BORED WITH THIS SCENE. we already know from the precap that ragini will knock down a vase but riddhima will never find out what caused it and kabir will make some lame excuse she’ll believe. FWDING TO NEXT.

JESUS CHRISTTTTTTTT, SIYA IS JUST WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE RANDOMLY LISTENING TO THAT AUDIO CLIP OF RIDDHIMA’S CONFESSION. AND SHE WALKS RIGHT INTO VANSH, WHO’S LIKE HUH, WHAT’S THAT RIDDHIMA IS SAYING?????

siya brushes it off saying its exercise stuff for her PT. sure. uh huh.

OH MY HEART HE GOT HER HEEEEEEELS, WHICH SHE’S ALWAYSSSSSSS WANTED. THIS BHAIYYA-BABY RELATIONSHIP IS GONNA TAKE ME DOWN GODDAMNITTTT. ITNE DIN BAAAAAAAAAAAD ITNI ACHCHI SIBLING FEELS MILI HAI ITV SEEEEEEE.

bhaiyya knows baby enough ki she’s hiding something from himmm. oh noeeeeeeeeeee.

damn, siya a real one. didn’t give out riddhima’s secret coz she wants to give her a fair chance. again, this show does not deserve this character. she’s too good for it.

she says she just believes in him and knows he’ll find whoever murdered mom. 

SOFT. SO SOFT. MY HEART IS SO FULL WHENEVER THESE TWO SHOW LOVE TO EACH OTHERRRRR.

idhar ragini ki marammat shuru. y’all are just exhausting me with this bs. isse maarna hai toh maaro already. ainvayi mein time waste.

oh dangggggggg, ragini batting for riddhima. saying i know she’ll fuck y’all up. dang, we love the sisterhood feels of this episode!

“aap ke liye SPECIAL INTEZAAM kiya hai maine.” said with the most polite customer service obsequiousness. I LOVE THIS PSYCHOPATH THE MOSTTTTTTTTTT.

ragini warning them that once vansh finds out everything, they’re as good as dead. wow, spunky!!!! dude i like her as a female lead better than stupid fucking riddhima. 

“hmmmmmm, you’re right. lekin usse batayega kaun???” honestly, why do i love his deranged ass so much????

anyway mishra has been delegated the task of stashing her somewhere else i guess. so it’s settled that mishra knows he’s not working for the CBI or whatever and is just a hired goon.

dadi is organizing YET ANOTHER POOJA. lordddddd.

this riddhima and her dumbass mandir jaana excuse that she uses constantly.

“bhagwaan tum jaisi bahu sab ko de!” OMFG DADI PLS, GOD FORBID. ISSE ACHCHA AAPKE BETE KUNWAARE MARR JAAYE!

ugh dadi your bloody pota needs a fucking therapist, it isn’t in riddhima’s hands to fix his 1001 mental issues.

great, mangalsutra almost broke. foreshadowing.

ughhhhh mummy managed to steal the memory card from aryan. FUCKING IDIOT I THOUGHT YOU HAD PUT IT IN THE BLOODY BANK ALREADY, BUT NO. HE WAS STILL HOLDING ON TO IT AND TALKING ABOUT IT LOUDDDDDDDDLY ON THE PHONE. jesusssss, why he so fuckinggggg stupid????

oh now vansh is exclaiming GREATTTTTTT JOB ANGREEEE as if he didn’t tell him to GTFO, THE VERY SIGHT OF YOU DISGUSTS ME yesterday. fuck, i really hate vansh as anything but a brother to siya.

aaaaaaand riddhima was standing behind him and he turned around and in a veryyyyyyy contrived move got his watch caught in her mangalsutra and broke it.

sis freaking about THE APSHAGUN!!!!!!!!!!!

he’s like arre nahi achcha shagun hai, angre got the cctv footage now i’ll know who kidnapped ragini! and sis is like OH GOD NO THE BAD LUCK IS STARTING ALREADY I’M SO DEADDDDDDD

“toh main tumhe kho dungi.”

lmao his face. literally the white guy blinking meme.

god she’s having a freakout about how their shaadi and rishta is in khatra. BITCH THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MS AND INSTEAD THE MOUNTAIN OF LIES YOU ARE SITTING ON AND YOUR EK DARJAN KE INCOMPATIBILITY ISSUES AS INDIVIDUALS.

”tum jaanti ho riddhima, tumahra ek ek aansoon mere liye kitna keemti hain? aisa lagta hai jaise mere dil ke ek tukde ko tod ke alag kar diya ho.”

OH YEAH????? DIDN’T FEEL ANYTHINGGGGG WHEN YOU PARALYSED HER HUH????????? IT’S GONNA BE A LONGASSSSS TIME BEFORE I GET OVER THAT, BITCH BOY.

yeah yeah ok this is a nice moment and all. WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THIS DUDE, HUH?????? WHY’D YOU HAVE TO RUIN ALLLLLLLLLL THE GOOD WILL YOU BUILT UP BY KARWA CHAUTH IN ONEEEEEEE MOMENTTTTTTT?????? fuck, i hate you tellywood men and the shit they put my stupid heart through.

only bappa ki aarti shall fix things now. based on the promo and BTS i’ve seen, things about to get reallllllly realllllllly bad but............ lol let’s wait and watch.

ragini managed to sneak mishra’s phone outta his pocket. SEE????? SO ENTERPRISING!!!!!! I LIKE HER SO MUCH MORE THAN RIDDHIMA. GOD VANSH, THIS IS THE GIRL YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED. SHE’S REALLY THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY.

she’s callllllllllling vanshhhh. BUT AARTI KI WAJAAH SE HE CAN’T HEAR THE PHONEEEEEE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

here, have some dhaarmik #couple goals to take the edge off the anxiety till the next episode.

———————————————————————

precap: omfg ragini got through to riddhima and she almost told her that kabir is behind kidnapping her, but kabir got to her and attacked her from the back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOUBLE OMFG SIYA OVERHEARD MUMMY ON THE PHONE BRAGGING ABOUT KILLING THEIR MOM AND CALLS VANSH TO TELL HIM ABOUT IT!!!!! LIKE SHE TOLD HIM THE NAME ALL CLEARLY AND THAT SHE HEARD IT FIRSTHAND!!!!!!!! VANSH SEEMS TO BE GIVING NO REACTION THO????????????

TELL ME THAT BOTH THESE PHONE CALLS WERE NOT MADE ON SOME FUCKING GHATIYA NETWORK LIKE IDEA AND THE REQUIRED PPL HEAR EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO!!!!!!!! (high hopes, i know. 😔😔😔)

[weaselbeaselpants]

Rewritten Alastor notes (TW: NSFL, Cannibalism, Vore, animal abuse)

This is unexpected I know, but I’m suffering from a major headache and I need something to do.

Alastor the Radio Demon in my non-existent Hazbin repaint. Things he has in common with his canon self:

Human soul of a man who died in the 1930s. Was a cannibal in life.

Tried (and succeeded) to corrupt a bunch of lesser demons. 

Respected by the big-bads of Hell, like Valentino and Vox. Feared among them as well because he creeps even them out.

Deer + wendigo motif still very much still at play.

Still asexual, though I wouldn’t recommend putting him on any pride flags.

Gets along with Charlie and loves antagonizing Vaggie.

Treats Nifty and Husk as goons and/or pets.

His weird hair tufts emote along with him like ears. I don’t know if they are ears though. I think Viv has the right idea not confirming what the frack is up with his anatomy.

Can’t ever stop smiling. Ever. That aspect of Al’s design is something real special that I think Viv has the right idea implementing. A character who can not stop smiling makes for a lot of terrifying and hilarious reactions. Just look at Sans near eternal smile. 

Inexplicably likes pineapple pizza. Funny out-of-character gag.

AGAIN: CONTENT WARNING ESPECIALLY FOR ANYONE WITH TRIGGERS TO THE STUFF ABOVE. KEEP READING AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Changes made to his character:

I do not mind Hazbin being crass and vile and offensively-over the top as long as it has a good grasp on what the joke is (like Helluva Boss :>). My Hazbin thesis is that all of the characters are “demons” in as much as they’ve done bad things or were bad people, but are not maniacal or sadistic + there’s hope for some of them. THEN there’s Alastor who absolutely lives up to the demon-reputation and did genuinely evil things in life. Alastor’s the kind of person who absolutely should be purged but has escaped because those who are supposed to be for justice aren’t threatened by him.

He isn’t involved in voodoo or has any affluent Creole background. With all do respect that aspect feels just a little too lifted from Dr. Facilier. My Alastor’s background is American “mutt” with an Algonquian-native grandmother.

His sin in life - and in Hell itself - is Gluttony. Taking a page from the OG Wendigo mythos, which describes them more as pulsating, gorging Elderitch abominations, Al’s MO in the show is to consume everyone and everything there is. 

Alastor’s demonic powers are presented as a wave of high frequency radio static that messes with a demon’s psyche so much it physically hurts them. Al then scoops up his victim’s souls to power his microphone and everything that demon had in it’s possession beforehand crumbles or becomes his.

Angel is afraid of him. Unlike in the canon cartoon, Angel is the one who recognizes Alastor and knows he’s dangerous, not Vaggie. Turns out, Angel had a run in with the Radio Demon sometime during the mid twentieth century (so when they were both pretty young in demon years). Angel tried to steal Al’s microphone but Al flung a nasty radio-frequency in Angel’s face, taking out one of his eyes. Angel was present during Al’s first attempt to take over Hell, so he immediately knows Al’s bad news and Alastor never misses the opportunity to mess with Angel in season 1.

Alastor is a shape-shifter. In what is probably the most grizzly detail about my take, he technically self-mutilates in order to re-imagine himself ala the Hellraiser Cenobites - which he does quite a bit to hide from Charlie’s parents.

Technically, Al is naked. What looks like a suit is actually his flesh. Look closely at you’ll see that he’s all stitched together like a crude taxidermy piece. Beneath his “skin” are his bones; which all look like mechanical radio parts and move independently of another. Sometimes Al tears them out if he thinks his “wiring needs to be reworked”, which is Al for ‘feeling an emotion’ and he doesn’t like that.

The motif my Alastor is supposed to invoke is everything about him was “stolen” and crudely pieced back together: he collects and traps other demons inside his microphone; he eats by unhinging his mouth and swallows in one gulp. Alastor’s anatomy invokes a lot of vore imagery as well as Ero Guro. Despite being ace, there is a sexual (but not arousing) edge to his character, which leads to a lot or horror and humor.

Alastor does not like that he was human. He’s even in denial of it and insists “I was always a demon. I simply had a nightmare that I was a man. Now I’m awake and the nightmare is long gone”.

Alastor’s human name was Edward; he was a sad, pathetic little man whom everyone walked all over. Edward wanted to be a radio host but was denied that position cause he ‘couldn’t smile’. Edward was deeply disturbed and fixated on ingesting human meat (a condition called ‘wendigo psychosis’). Despite committing murder and then eating all his victim’s bodies, he can’t recall most of the process and was frightened by his behavior, knew what he was doing was wrong. BUT he never went about treating his addiction with meat; he’d have “cold periods” where he didn’t kill and thought he was ‘fixed’ only for his psychosis to resurface.

Alastor’s demon self aims to be all the things that he wasn’t in life: happy, fulfilled, complete, confident, cheery, and satisfied. Al relishes in his self-made creepy image and no doubt took his demon name from a famous Alastair from his youth. 

Al’s character arc throughout the ‘show’ (there is no show, why am I treating this like genuine pitch bible blah) goes as follows:

For the first season leading up the the finale and beginning of season 2, Al pretends to be Charlie’s friend until he backstabs her and takes over her hotel to harvest the ‘redeemed’ souls so he can restart his broadcasting-takeover that was just barely stopped years before. Charlie, Vaggie, and Angel intercept him however and destroy his microphone - which holds all the souls - causing him to loose his power. Charlie personality terminates his physical form leaving only his ‘heart’, which Lucifer makes Charlie eat so that Alastor will forever be under her control. The downside to this is Al’s soul+heart+person exists within Charlie now, and he of course speaks to her within her mind, trying to discourage, belittle, threaten or taunt her plans and feelings throughout the second season. Season 3′s opening would be about the main cast trying to get Vaggie out of Heaven once they learn it’s as corrupted as Hell. Charlie needs Al’s expertise, so she vomits him up. Al agrees to help her but is obviously not happy and vows to get his freedom back. In the second half of season 3, the main characters have to lay low while the angels partake in spiritual warfare against Lucifer. So Charlie and co. escape to the human world disguised as humans. Though an agreement, Alastor comes along and aquires a foreclosed motel for the demon’s to live (he intends to trap mortal souls while he’s there, though Charlie intercepts this too). 

Angel and co. end up discovering Al’s human identity (something he tried to cover up any evidence of having in Hell) and invite his now elderly human daughter to the motel. It works too well however, and the fright of seeing his daughter again triggers an all out anxiety attack in Alastor causing him to merge with the motel. Charlie has to traverse his insides to try and get to his crumbling psyche which would be very Akira-inspired.

Meanwhile, inside Alastor’s mind we see his demon form finally baring a frown and freaking out as the pathological spirits of his victims sing to him in a radio booth about the life he’d chosen and the lives he took away from them. (Yes, this is absolutely taken from Bojack Horseman)

Once Charlie cuts to his core+Al faces the fact that there never was another demon responsible for his actions, it was always just him, Al relinquishes his hold on that motel and his physical form become that of a baby deer, whom Charlie nicknames ‘Deerlastor’. Deerlastor doesn’t appear to have any of Al’s powers, memories, or personality but Angel and the other demon’s Al’s abused insist on killing it, sure that this is just another one of Al’s weird forms. Because of Alastor’s absence, it takes a lot longer and harder for the main cast to get back to hell and help Charlie’s dad’s stop the (previously human) angels who want to wipe purge ALL of hell.

To take out the main ‘enlightened’ angel that’s in the middle of trying to purge ALL of Hell, the demon’s need a power of their own. Deerlastor agrees to sacrifice its body and because of that, Alastor pops out from the deer’s body and head on collides w. the big bad angel-villain, eliminating both their souls. Alastor gets no proper redemption arc kids, he just gets to be the one to take out the main villain.

Edward/Alastor’s daughter’s name was Lavinia and she was the closest thing to genuine ‘love’ he had in his life and the only person who obviously looked up rather than ignore or abuse Edward. When Ed was arrested and confessed to his crimes, his daughter wasn’t allowed to see him and the knowledge that her father was a cannibalistic serial killer haunted Lavinia all her life.

His crimes were not sexual. This is NOT AN EXCUSE for what he did though because - 

- two of his victims were children. Yep. 

Unlike the rest of the filth-spewing demons, Al doesn’t appreciate racism or sexism. He thinks himself a feminist for his day...despite also having killed women and children. Keep in mind he’s also from the 30s, so he’s as “progressive” as people could be for back then, AND he believes that his partial native ancestry means it’s okay to call himself a ‘wendigo’.

In reference to an oooooooooooold ref sheet Viv made for Alastor back in the day, Deerlastor gets shot in the head and dismembered a lot but always gets up like nothing’s wrong.

Alastor does not like electroswing. He likes jazz, doowop, twist, show jingles, and lots of American Folk ballads. You know, the stuff they’d jam the radio’s with back in the 30s.

Big influences on my Alastor are They Shoot Horses Don’t They?, American Murder Song, My Friend Dahmer (a graphic novel), Llamas with Hats and Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. 

(Ima thinking of renaming my Hazbin gang to better distinguish them between the canon. Alastor’s the only one who won’t be renamed though, just probably spelled a different way. (Alystar, Alaster, Alastar))

[lovemesomesurveys]

800 questions survey part 14

651) If you could be trained up in any profession of your choice by top professionals what profession would you choose? I really don’t know. It’s hard to imagine when you have absolutely no idea what you want to do or even what you could do because you look down on yourself so much and you’re completely unmotivated. 

652) If someone else’s child was being an annoying little runt would you go tell them off or do something about it? I'd probably just leave unless for some reason I couldn’t. If I couldn’t, I’m sure I wouldn’t do anything but it’d be written all over my face and my body language would give it away, too.

653) Do you believe in karma? No.

654) Do you believe in revenge? I’m not a revengeful person.

655) Do you believe in fairies? No.

656) Do you believe in a god? Yes.

657) Do you believe there used to be dragons? No.

658) Who would you want to be with on a desert island? I’d like to just not be on the deserted island at all, ya know?

659) What’s the worst show on television? I don’t know anymore. I just stick to what I like.

660) Who’s your favourite god from ancient history? I’m a Christian, I only believe in one God.

661) What one device would you want to see added to a mobile phone? *shrug*

662) Where do you see yourself in 1 months’ time? Sitting here doing the same thing.

663) Where do you see yourself in 1 years’ time? Sitting here doing the same thing...

664) Where do you see yourself in 10 years’ time? ....

665) What was the best thing about your old school? Which one?

666) What was the worst thing about your old school?

667) If you could change your name to anything what would your new name be? Nah, I’ll keep mine.

668) Do you watch too much TV? No. I have it on for background noise much of the time to be honest. I have my shows I watch and keep up with, other times I have something on that I tune in and out of, and then there’s quite a bit of time where it’s just on in the background and I’m not paying attention at all.

669) Have you ever planted a tree? No.

670) What’s the heaviest thing you can lift? I can’t lift more than like 5lbs to be honest.

671) What was the last present you received? A Baby Yoda mini backpack.

672) Are your ears lobed or attached? Attached.

673) How often do you wash your ears? Every couple days when I shower. 674) Could you go out with someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. I’m 31 years old and if I ever date (who knows when...), I’m looking for something long-term. I don’t want to have children, so that wouldn’t work. I feel like the older I get, though, the harder it will be to find a guy without at least one kid, so... I don’t know what I’ll do. I honestly don’t know what’s going on with my dating life, or severe lack thereof. At this point in time I don’t feel like I’m in a place to date, but the years are passing and I’m getting older and I don’t know if it’ll ever change. I don’t know what’s going on with me and the whole dating thing and why I’m not wanting to pursue anything. I feel like I should want to and yet I don’t. Will I ever?

675) What was your first alcoholic drink? Tequila shot. Or if we’re talking mixed drink, it was Redbull and vodka. 

676) What was your first job? I haven’t had one.

677) What was your first car? (or what would you like it to be?) I haven’t had one and I don’t know what I’d want if I ever were to drive.

678) What was your first mobile phone? A gray Motorola flip phone.

679) What is your first proper memory? I have spotty memories of preschool.

680) Who was your first teacher? I’m blanking on my preschool teacher’s name.

681) Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Atlanta, Georgia. 

682) Who was your first best friend? These two girls in preschool, Crystal and Star.

683) What was your first detention for? I never had detention.

684) What’s your strongest voluntary muscle? My arms, but even then I’m weak. I used to have really great upper body strength once upon a time when I was active.

685) Who was your first kiss? My boyfriend at the time, Derek.

686) What was the first film you remember seeing at the cinema? The first one that comes to mind is The Rugrats Movie, but I know that wasn’t the first.

687) What thing that you’ve made are you most proud of? Nothing.

688) Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Haaa, no. I’d be useless.

689) Michelangelo’s David… Masterpiece or filth? I respect it.

690) Do you like other people buying you clothes? Sure, my family knows me well.

691) Have you ever brought a present for someone that they hated/disliked? I don’t think I’ve given someone something they hated.

692) What nicknames do you have/have had? My nicknames now are Steph, Sis, and Boobala/Boob (lol my family and I call each other those two). When I was a kid my nicknames, besides Steph, were Step on Me and Noodles. 

693) Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? When my cousins and I played house and school we’d pretend there were more students and such. Like, we’d describe what they looked like, what they were wearing, and gave them a name. We’d pretend to talk to them and whatnot. But I never had an actual imaginary friend.

694) Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? I sure need to.

695) Have you ever carved a pumpkin? Yes. I did every year since I was a kid up until a few years ago.

696) Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Probably an influence for how not to be or do...

697) Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help etc? Receiving is nice, but I love getting gifts for my loved ones. 

698) If you were a member of the spice girls, what would your spice handle be? Sleepy Spice.

699) If you were to become a famous singer, what would your debut album be called? Blah.

700) If you could join any music group which would you want to join? Nah.

[thetigershymn]

The Way Things Are Gonna Be From Now On (And Why I’m Back And Shit)

Part Two: The Way Things Are Gonna Be From Now On

(a repost)

Sit your asses down, kids, we gotta have a talk.

See, I can’t talk about how this shit is gonna roll without talking about why I left Tumblr to begin with.

Plot fucking twist: turns out you fucks are the maladjusted ones and I’m the mature adult. I fucking know, right? Blew my mind too.

Basically, shit started to get good for me, right? You know, you read part one. You know how that went down. Islands and shit. Anyway, part of that was like, a fuuuuuuuuuckton of high grade triple-A-plus primetime therapy. Fucking years of it. I’m a model citizen now. I’m the dependable one. No shit, someone told me that a while back, I’m the dependable one. Fucking times sure have changed.

I kid. Anyway. At a certain point in the evolution of every hot mess, there comes a knife’s edge moment. Things coalesce, and the realization is had that two choices lay before you. You can seize recovery with both hands – that phrase has deeply symbolic and vital personal meaning for me, it’s literally my name – and you can decide to GROW THE FUCK UP, stop being a giant pissbaby crying about how shit a hand life dealt you, and stand up and do something to actually fix your life instead of just complaining about how unfair your situation is. Or you can wallow in your illness for the rest of eternity, using it as an excuse, and embracing misery because it’s the only thing that makes you feel special. 

I reached that moment, through Ares. And I decided that I was NOT, in fact, addicted to being unhappy, and I DID, in fact, want to be not-unhappy, and I WAS, in fact, willing to put in the work to make that happen. And lo and behold, it started to happen. Wonders of modern medicine. Science is amazing. 

But then something else started to happen, too. Something I hadn’t planned for. I saw the toxicity leave my psychology, I saw the scar tissue across my psyche healing over and fading away, I felt Actual Human Joy Emotion, and then I looked around….and I saw everyone around me still surrounded by that black miasmic soulsucking cloud of misery that I was slowly crawling away from. I saw my enemies for what they were: meaningless dumbasses caught up in their own fucked up shit who had no real impact on my life. I saw my friends gathered around spending all their days stagnating in their own filth, blind to it as they preened about their superiority to all the lesser beings around them. I saw my loved ones still clinging to that deepseated addiction to being unhappy that I was trying so hard to dig out of my own heart. Things around me crystallized, I saw my surroundings more clearly than I had in years, and I realized I was just…..tired. So, so tired. I just didn’t care. About any of it. And I didn’t have time for it. Things were taking off for me for the first time in my entire life, and I just didn’t have time for anyone around me who was content to stand still.

So I left them behind. I left them behind in person, I left them behind over the phone, I left them behind online. Friends, significant other, family, acquaintances, whoever. Whereever I saw that happening in my life, I just…let them go.

I’ll go ahead and give you a moment to be shocked that there’s a lot of useless toxicity on tumblr. Go on, I’ll wait. 

But Solo!! You’re on Tumblr RIGHT NOW!! The misery cloud will swoop in and eat your soul again!!!!!!

Nah, bro, it won’t. We ain’t playing that game again. 

So here’s the new laws of the fucking land. These aren’t for you to follow, mind you. They’re for me to follow. You’ll notice some recurring themes.

1. None of this matters. 

Literally none of this. Tumblr is not and has never been the real world. I knew that back then, too, but I’m done being fucking quiet about this fact. All y’all? You stop existing when I walk away from the computer. Y’all bask and wallow in your complex codes of moral purity that only exist on tumblr, your shoulds and shouldn’ts, your shunnings, your manufactured obligations, whatever. I don’t care. I literally….I don’t care. Don’t like me, go away. Don’t like my blog, don’t follow it. Don’t like what I said, don’t read it. I’m not answerable to you, and I don’t care about trying to deduce the delicate nuances of your subculture’s societal mores and taboos, and if I anger your little internet godlings by crossing the wrong one, I don’t care about that either.

2. We aren’t friends.

We can be friendly, sure. I’m a friendly person, ask anyone. Well…maybe not anyone. But we can be friendly. We can be fun internet buddies, even. But…you don’t know me. I don’t know you. There’s a whole wide life out there I have that you will never see. Y’all need to be better about remembering that than y’all were last time, because I’m done feeling bad about leaving one of y’all behind if you don’t suit my life.

3. I don’t really care about co-religionists, honestly.

I could be the only hellenic polytheist on the planet for all I care. I could be the only Ares dedicant. It’s nice to compare notes and all, or chat, or whatever, and I’m more than willing to help someone out or give some advice or share some experience. I’ve been around for a while. But you, none of you, literally not a one of you is my priority, either in life or in this blog. My religion is about the gods, and one god especially. My religion is not about community. So…..yeah man, I’ll be helpful, sure, happy to be so. But I’m not obligated to do fucking ANYTHING for you I don’t want to, and I’m not answerable to what you think I should do or be or say as a hellenic polytheist or as a pagan. I’m not your fucking mentor and you’re not my fucking priest.

4. Blah, blah, blah.

Let me be really clear about this, because this is the part people are going to really, really struggle with. If it’s from before the posting of this fucking post, February 23, 2020, I don’t fucking want to hear about it. I don’t owe you shit, I’m not explaining shit, I’m not responding to shit, I’m not justifying shit, nothing. Boohoohoo I’m problematic because four years ago I called someone whose name I’ve probably (definitely) forgotten a moron and it hurt their feelings and now they piss into a jar with my name on it and call it a hex or whatever. Do tumblr witches still do the pee jar thing? I don’t remember. Whatever. I don’t care what wrong you’ve decided I committed, I don’t care even if I was actually wrong. I don’t care if something I say now contrasts with something I said three years ago so I’m a hypocrite or whatever. I don’t care whether you think people can change. I don’t care even if I haven’t changed. I’m not putting up with it if it’s from before me coming back to tumblr. I’m just going to laugh at you and hopscotch my ass away. Get over it, yo. So….I’m not going to be going through and purging old posts on my old blog, I’m not going to be ~hiding the evidence~ or whatever the fuck you want to accuse me of. I’m just not going to humor your dumb ancient bullshit. Sucks to be you, chick from four years ago who’s still holding a grudge against me because I made fun of her.

5. I’m not here to waste my time.

Those of you who know me offline know so very well how SHEER FUCKING INFAMOUS I am for walking away from conversations midthought. We’ll be talking, I’ll lose interest, and hey, that’s it, I’m done. No goodbye, no winding down the conversation, nope. We’re done, you’ve lost me. Guess what, not only am I not going to correct that behavior, we’re fucking porting that shit to Tumblr. I’m done with time wasters. I’m done with conversations I don’t want to be a part of. I’m done with arguments that serve no tangible need in my life. Don’t fucking @ me with your bullshit, or your drama, or your petty dumb shit. Because I am definitely, definitely sitting there on the other end of that conversation doing a cost-benefit analysis of what I think will be the possible positive outcome of interacting with you vs the possible negative outcome, and if you fail that assessment, I ain’t wasting my time on whatever you’re bitching at me about.

6. I actually really do hate Tumblr.

Gone are the days of lol fun tumblr meme bro and the ages of ooh cool fandom gifset my dude. I hate this fucking site on a fucking gut level and I don’t like to be here. The only reason I’m back is because I think I can use it for my ~pet project~. Which means…..yep. This is finally, finally a religion-only blog. 

[foundcarcosa]

cccxxv.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind? >> Realising I didn’t open my beer, so I’m going to do that as soon as I stop typing this. What are you currently listening to? >> The Death of Love, Cradle of Filth. Has anyone ever said something that brought tears to your eyes? >> Sure. Can Calah is good at that. Has anyone let you down recently? >> No.

What were you doing at 10:00 am this morning? >> I think I was checking my social media and also beginning to deliberate about whether I wanted to go outside even though it was raining or not.

Do you feel like you have life figured out? >> I’m at the point where I assume that life isn’t something one “figures out”, but one just experiences and does one’s best with. It’s not a fuckin math problem. Do you have on makeup? >> No. What mood are you in right now? >> A neutral one, but easily elevated (or depressed, depending) due to slight intoxication. Looking forward to anything? >> Getting out of suburban shut-in hell for a couple of days (my birthday trip). Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to? >> Can Calah is the only person I have no mental blocks against talking to. Sometimes the mental blocks have less to do with the other person and more to do with past experience, so it’s not like I truly believe certain other people wouldn’t be receptive -- I just... have a hard time. Have you lived in the same town your entire life? >> Not at all. Would you say you’re an understanding person? >> My cognitive empathy is pretty well-developed out of sheer necessity (gotta fill in the affective-empathy blank somehow, if I’m going to be a well-rounded person worth associating with), but there are always going to be weak spots in it because I can’t anticipate every human response. Also, how well I use my cognitive empathy depends on how much mana I have that day. It is sorcery, after all. Do you hate being alone? >> I don’t hate being alone, I hate feeling alone. Are you a loud person? >> Generally not. Were you happy when you woke up today? >> No, because I think I woke up to noise. But I also woke up to Can Calah, so, it evened out. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? >> I don’t think so. Do you miss the way things used to be? >> I miss some things. But there are pros and cons to everything. How has the week been? >> Short, considering it’s only Monday. Do you plan on getting your hair cut anytime soon? >> Yeah, I think I should probably cut my hair again tomorrow. Now, whether I will have the executive function for it or not is a different story. Do you wish you could tell someone something big, but can’t? >> I mean, it’s not that I can’t. It’s more like... it needs its space to be said. Also, it’s not like, something that needs to be SAID in one SINGLE MOMENT, it’s just kinda... a conversation. Not just me rambling on and on like I’m the only important voice in the dialogue. Ya dig? Ready for winter to come? >> Hell fucking no, I haven’t even gotten to kiss Summer full on the lips yet. Have you ever been called beautiful? >> Sure.

Say something about the first person you kissed this year? >> Uh... she’s a spa care specialist or something. I forget the actual job title but that sounds at least 75% right. When was the last time you were truly and completely happy? >> Uh. Do you currently have a hickey? >> No. Did you talk to your father today? >> No. Are you starting to realize anything? >> Realisation is so slow that it’s invisible until seen in hindsight, so. Do you bite your fingernails? >> Nope. Do you like Mexican food? >> Sure. Do you want someone back in your life? >> I got the person I wanted back in my life. Everyone else I ‘lost’ is on a “meh” basis. Like, I can live with or without, ya dig. Have you ever in anyway, been betrayed by someone you trust? >> I don’t think so. At what age do you want to get married? >> Meh. Where were you at two this morning? >> In bed. Who was the last person you had an argument with? >> I don’t remember. Do you think things will change in the next few months? >> That’s literally how life works. What are you doing today? >> Well, even though it was raining, I let Can Calah convince me to walk to the northerly intersection-- I JUST REMEMBERED I RENTED SOMETHING FROM REDBOX I should actually uhhh watch it lmao --so I went to the Redbox and the liquor store and the Speedway and the Dollar Tree. And then took the bus back home. And now I’m just drinking and messing around on the internet. I should have watched the movie lmao but I straight-up forgot I had it. Later, then. It’s raining and I actually want to smoke with Kris/Hallie and watch the movie. It’s The Greatest Showman, it looks fun. Blah. Whatever. Is there snow on the ground where you are? >> No. Thank the fucking gods. Have your past mistakes made you wiser? >> Some of them have, some of them haven’t. As it goes.

Next time you will kiss someone? >> I don’t know. Why aren’t you with the person you’re in love with? >> Well, I’m with Sparrow. The other person just lives so far away. And I never have money to travel. But at least the internet exists. What a time to be alive. Do you hate the last person you kissed? >> No. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? >> Sure. Would you ever get a tattoo? >> I have three, so yes, it’s safe to say that I would definitely get a tattoo at any point had I the money. Did you sleep alone last night? >> Physically, yeah. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? >> With.

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone? >> Yeah. If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted? >> “Well, that’s... fine, I guess.” LOL that sounds like a wack answer but like... I don’t mean it to sound unenthusiastic, it’s just... not as romantic-sounding to me. It puts a lot of expectation on me to continue to be that same person that they always want me to be. And it’s patently proven that I am a constantly changing individual by design. If [me as you know me right now] is the only person you want, then does that mean you will also only want [me in the future] or will you go “you’re not the person I thought you were!” and break it off? Also, does that mean you want me to reciprocate? Because I guarantee you as a polyam person you will NOT be the only one I want, so will that upset you? Because if so, we need to talk about that. I want to point out something else -- the way that I answered this question is so extra that sometimes I wonder how anyone would want me.

[thepausedsforzando]

III. The Paused Sforzando

Part II: (Intermission) The Caretaker

     As I have documented my life since high school, I haven’t said everything. As I said in part I, I’d say so many more details and try to remember them. As I’ve lost myself the the void, I’ve just half assed and not even tried to remember. It become more vague. Furthermore, I also am focusing more on the state of my mind and my feelings rather events. The events became more scarce, and monotonous. With not much of a life, I’ve just occupied myself with guilt and misery. This is an event I didn’t even mention in Inbetween And Limbo, or anywhere in the series. And it is honestly big enough that for the first time, half of this Part will almost be like a tangent or interruption in the chronology to mention something. It’s that important. We are currently in June 2016, but I need to take you back 3 years. Back to my breakdown and intervention. Where when I was fighting making any effort, at the same time I was writing about a very ugly man with his pale yellow, old fashioned lantern. Let us talk about Gaw and Andros.

     In 2013, I had reached my pinnacle. All the things I incessantly repeat about self hate, not caring, blah blah blah had been well fed and bore its stark white fangs in the blackest of my mind. That image was in a Kanye West video and honestly stuck with me as a fitting metaphor for my state. The demons of when I was 9 and suicidal were back again. Blaming myself for never being able to have a life or do this shit on my own, be that maintaining a job or having a fucking, goddamned friendship. Nothing was changing. I must have thought of doing this, but if I didn’t, I ended up doing it anyway.

It was a night mostly like any. A frozen pizza on a handmedown plate from my parents ‘cause I couldn’t fucking just go out and buy one myself. Another night alone and no end in sight to a world so neglectful. I decided to write. And when I write, I mean music. I’d been trying before to get back in the habit. I was writing that night and was writing repugnant, self loathing filth into my lyric book under a black light as the Weeknd haunted the blackness of my room. I let myself go wild. It got worse, and worse, and worse. Words expressing my worthless state of existing rotated the hate 180 degrees back straight to me. Then it became my fault. At the root of all of this, it was coming from such a worthless being who didn’t deserve friends or such a loving family in the first place. I’m the evil and it’s a good balance of nature that some worthless, repugnant waste of semen was slowly getting robbed of everything.

Oh but what I wrote was me talking to myself and forcing myself to believe this. It got real. It got really real. I guess I panicked when I finally adhered to the words I’d been flirting with; when I finally acted out what I meant rather idealize them. And I never wanted this. And ultimately, I don’t believe this. But the desire to believe it feels so strong, it then feels real. It’s not as simple as ‘well, I don’t want it, so it doesn’t bother me.’ My world has been turned upside down and vacuumed of all heat and purpose. 

I suffer from many aspects of Toxic Masculinity. I’m not a feminist, I’m an egalitarian. This phrase has surfaced recently (from my perspective, at least) In feminist spheres and whatever I agree with, disagree with and are skeptical about modern day feminism, I’ll say whoever theorized and propagated this is spot on. I had gone on a goal when I was a kid so I wouldn’t be weak or unmanly, or whatever. I could get into other Toxic aspects, but I’ll focus on the boys don’t cry horseshit. I went a decade without crying. I broke that cycle a while ago and I’ve lightened up, going the opposite direction and encouraging men do it at a healthy, non-excessive rate.

I bring that paragraph up to say that all I wanted to do was just sob and break the fuck down. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. It didn’t come naturally, I couldn’t just unexpectedly do it. I forced myself to do it as I was curled up in a ball in the dark on my fucking $50 couch. I had called my mother at 5:47 a.m. because I needed her to say that she loved me. I couldn’t hang with the masochism I had been worshipping and feeding so excessively. That breakdown put me on the other side of a wall. Instead of realizing I value myself and that I don’t want any of this, I realized all this apartment renting, job working, friend socializing whenever it’d practically never happen, woman pursuing.....it was for me. And I hate me. So....why would I try and make someone happy I detest?

Through this process, I had an idea. Whenever I had realized it, I had envisioned a man who looks like David Bradley’s portrayal of Argus Filch in the Harry Potter series, notably The Philosopher’s Stone and The Chamber Of Secrets. Holding an old, yellow, rectangular lantern like Harry held when he was in The Restricted Section in Philosopher’s Stone. Like Filch, he was a caretaker. Moving away from Harry Potter inspiration, this character resided in the empty, black recesses of my eyes as the caretaker of my mind. The sole person watching over, spreading his hatred and resuming the suppression of any of my happiness.

I got inspired.

I went on to doing something similar to this series and documenting moments of my life and referencing things from my childhood. Making a 4 part series, starting from childhood and ending................somewhere. 4 part ‘cause a trilogy is overdone and predictable. The titles at the moment are changing, but are finalized for now

Much has been debated. Drafts take place in and alternate world, focusing around a main character, Andros, who is like the town leader, but not in a political way. He’s supernatural, or maybe not. Anyway, there’s a famine in the crops that bring darkness upon it. Tragedy strikes the innocent city and drastic, inhumane extremes are gone to that have never been witnessed before. The stress makes Andros vulnerable to the darkness that has caused the famine and something foreign, supernatural and quite negative implants itself like that scene in Alien: Covenant, I guess. There’s more that’s been written, but I’m afraid of getting my ideas stolen before I finish them. 

It might have been therapeutic. Idr. I’m the absolute champion of starting everything and abandoning it shortly after. Anyway, the drafts never got deleted, and I should pick back up on it. But that was a big point for me. Moving on....

[meandmyperson]

so “bust your windows” has definitely been on a solid repeat because it has so many fuckin bangers in there. it’s always nice to be able to let the hatred flow through you while also doing a couple salsa spins and hip twirls. today I’m really feeling the part that says “I didn’t know that I had that much strength, but I’m glad you see what happens when you see you can’t just play with peoples feelings: tell them you love them, and don’t mean it...” yes sis. these bastards bout to learn.

so last night/this morning/god damn I need sleep, I did realize that if I’m going to beat this evilness, I have to confront it! I was hoping it would work like the silly crushes I get where once I start to talk about it and take a closer look, it quickly turns into no thank you please. so I started exploring my options.

yesterday when I was telling him about himself as all of my findings slapped me in the face at once, my beautiful princess Cassie advised that nothing I could say to him would hurt him. she’s right cuz he’s already made it clear plenty of times that he doesn’t give a fuck. but that was for me. and so the question then was, how can I hurt him. and I found the answer at the hotel he had his wedding reception in. look at god. I’ve never seen him tighten like he did when he thought his wife might have discovered his filth.

so I finally looked at the damn Facebook and I thought it was gonna be way worse then it was. that otherwise beautiful family photo (I only ever got the ones of the kids) made me dry heave a bit but again, I was expecting something more like immediate violence. this is kind of a thing you decide about on a Sunday afternoon, not in the middle of any night. so I just looked. and then I took a nap.

and when I got up to do my day I thought some more. and I’m having a lot of fun with the options lmao. I could mail her a letter. like a detailed and lengthy one about how she just deserves to know what kind of man she’s spending her life with and blazé fuckin blah. or I could just write a couple sentences and let them have it from there. “ask your husband who loveball is. and then if you have any other questions, ask him for my number. I gotchu girl.” but a letter could be intercepted easily. and I might never know that it was received. my bestfriend said I should 100% write a note but to also send her a crystal with it. that shit cracked me up.

so I went to the witch store to see if there was anything that would sway me away from all this. cuz I know he’s gonna get all of the plague he deserves, but it’s best if I just let the universe take care of it. that backfired. I got some good gifts for a friend but also there were all sorts of things for altars and there were voodoo dolls too. my kid says that voodoo dolls are 10/10 recommend. so I asked my bestfriend for help with black magic and we’re both clueless but she’s so down to help me do whatever I need to do. love her.

Huda told me to go in peace. she said there’s nothing worse than letting a man put me out of myself. shes right about this. this isn’t me. usually I can take responsibility and hold my L’s in silence. fool me once, shame on me. fool me twice, you should have thought long and hard about that shit. that might just be how that has to go this time.

what I really want is a settlement. doesn’t that sound amazing? like because do y’all know how much stuff I could have had if I used him the way he used me instead of trying to love him? like, how much is his marriage worth to him? or really... how much does divorce cost. I think it costs rich people more so hush money seems like the discounted route fersure. 15k is good for me. 10k is more like he better hope I’m not a liar too. but my wise council (thats cassie again) has advised that blackmail is illegal, so I can’t say that to him. darn.

so. that’s where we are rn. me and all my personalities. I don’t like but I didn’t cause it so... I’m gonna pack, and roll a fat ass blunt, and we’ll see where my head is at tomorrow.

[after-skies-ananthology]

I'm an undercover journalist investigating the President’s space force

BLACK SKY WARS

the third part

approx. 5 yrs ASE

It can be pretty difficult to decide on the kind of story you want to do sometimes. I hadn’t expected the popularity of Slice to grow the way it did. But, well, it did. I was just doing what I had always done since I was a little girl. Getting myself into trouble, getting myself out of it, and in the process acquiring that which I desired. Information. Ever since I could speak, people have been wanting to keep things hidden from me. I suppose it means I’m still childish if I admit that I can’t handle being told no, but it’s true. Dangle something in front of me so tantalizingly mysterious like that, and you’ll soon find me obsessed with it. That’s why I started Slice, it was originally just a little blog I wrote on using my old see-through Mac as a teen. I used it as part diary, part National Enquirer for my neighborhood. Basically, a lot of people in my home town who were aware of it became addicted to it. Others, well... they fucking hated it. Understandably I guess. But, I mean, it’s their fault for making themselves so... interesting for lack of a better word? I guess I’ll leave it at that. I’ll spare you the boring details of how it led me to the kind of life I wallow in now. One of a contradictory ‘shut-in by day, extrovert Renaissance woman by night’. Does that sound pretentious? It should, because it is. Those aren’t my words, but that of my co-editor and business partner, Philip. Publicly, I have him run the company side of things. Legally, he’s both the chief editor and founder, in order to conceal my preference for anonymity. I have two things that make me a better journalist than what you see out there in the pool of filth they call media these days. 1) My legs (and a good set of heels I suppose), and 2) the fact that those I deceive into narcing on themselves have never seen my face before.

Last week, Philip had texted me out of no where in the middle of the night. He wasn’t interrupting my sleep or anything. I had been up since four in the afternoon and still had that exhausted disheveled look on my face, staring at my computer screen meticulously researching random unimportant shit and generally wasting my own time. Me and him had been debating back and forth for a while now on what angle we should approach the upcoming IACS seminar from. You know, the same one where Monterrey decided to turn the whole thing into “Let’s See If I Can Start WW3: The Movie”? I opened my phone, and read his message as the light from the array of screens assaulted my retinas and danced over my face in the depths of darkness that was my apartment bedroom.

“So, try not to react badly to this but...” His text message warned. “Maybe we should explore something tangentially related to the seminar, rather than the seminar itself?”

I let out a small cackle and shook my head in disbelief. I had been trying for a month, to no avail, to get a job as a hostess where the seminar was being held. Under a pseudonym of course. For the last few weeks I’ve been consistently told by the employer that all positions are currently filled. This flies in the face of what numerous former employees of the hotel told me when I contacted them. They informed me that about two thirds of the wait staff were abruptly let go without warning a day after it was announced to them that the seminar would be held at their establishment. That’s why I even tried applying in the first place. Hearing this lie told to me, I decided to check in at that very hotel for a night to see if it were true. And to my disbelief, it was. The hotel was being run smoothly, almost, surgically. The new staff seemed nice. In a dystopian kind of way. It kind of felt like they were smiling at me only when I was actually looking at them. I had this strange sense they were scowling at me when my eyes were averted.

Let me help you understand why this doesn’t make sense to me. They fired all the waiters except those with the most time with the business. They fired all the cooks. They fired all the valets except for two. They fired the general manager of the hotel itself. I was told about the mass layoff the day it happened by a source. I applied a day after that. Within a day, they had already filled all of those positions to their satisfaction. No wanted ads, seemingly no interviews, no listings on job search sites, etc. Nothing. It was as if these new employees just showed up to work out of nowhere and started waiting tables or cooking steak. I had spent the last few nights putting together a new fake identity so I could try getting another room on the last night of the seminar next week. I had paid a lot of money to people on the dark web for this fake driver’s license and Canadian passport. And now, Philip was asking me to give up and write about a ‘safe’, ‘tangential’ topic vaguely related to space militarization.

I texted him back, “Sometimes I can’t fucking believe you.“

He did that thing when you’re texting someone and they’re typing this big ass message but you don’t realize it and as soon as you’ve hit send they hit send and... God it’s really annoying. Philip’s still a Boomer you have to realize. He doesn’t “get” technology yet. Or maybe he willfully refuses to understand it like most old people. Hmm. Either way, his giant wall of text he sent me tried assuaging my anger.

“I’m not trying to stop you from pursuing the story you want. I would never do that Clem. I mean, not anymore. Look, trust me I learned my lesson with that whole fight we had over you narrating the weekly recaps. BUT, I think I have something better than the seminar itself. I might just have the reason behind that whole hotel staff business. Will you hear me out?“

I texted him back as I let out a long, frustrated sigh. “Fine. What?” And then I sent him one more. “And it seriously better be good or I’m blocking your number for a week again.”

His reply read, “I have this guy in Needles, California. Ever heard of it?”

I told him, “No but it sounds like one of those crappy little towns between Barstow and Vegas that no one ever visits.”

Philip confirmed in response, “Well, it is one of those crappy little outskirt towns. But that’s not the point! There was this whole supposed UFO crash and some sort of military helicopters came and took it away and blah blah blah.”

“Philip I AM NOT doing a UFO story.” I told him.

“I know I know“ his message read. “That’s not the point! There’s this conspiracy theorist guy from Nevada, you know one of those Coast To Coast types? Anyways, he’s been telling me that he has some sort of bombshell information that connects the Needles crash with your seminar shadiness.”

I groaned, resigning myself to at least let him tell me. “I’m listening. What is it?” I asked.

A picture appeared on my phone. It was an airliner sitting on a tarmac at dawn painted lily white with a single red stripe along the fuselage, with no company branding or logos. “What’s with this airliner?” I asked him in my text.

“Did you know that a Janet Airlines flight arrived at a private airport near Santa Rosa the night before everyone was fired, and offloaded the exact number of people needed to replace everyone?” Philip informed me.

I was silent for a small moment. I looked at the posters on my wall drenched in neon-purple light, taking inventory of what was just said to me. I texted him back one more time, “Philip, you know I love you right?”

Flash forward to the next day, I had tried sleeping off some of my insomnia from 6 to 10 AM. I tried getting up at 10:15. Not having it. Then I tried 10:45. Again, absolutely not. So I did what I always do when I’m in a bind to meet with a source and my Circadian rhythm isn’t cooperating with me. Don’t judge. I mean, please don’t judge. I mean... Hmm, well. I did a line. I’m not proud of... well, no. Fuck you, I am proud of it. I mean I’m not, I mean... not, fuck you? Look, either way when a story like this is in front of me and my insomnia is in the way, I...

I don’t have to justify this with you. And I’m not going to.

After the white lady had gotten me out of my funk I finally took a shower, got dressed, and hopped in my car and headed down the road to the Silver State. Philip gave me the guy’s address and phone number as I left the Southland. “Frank Monterrey?“ I said to myself out loud as I read the text. I pulled over and texted Philip back, “Is that... really his name?“

“I guess so. No relation obviously. Just one of those things in life.“ He said in reply.

I continued on my journey northeast along the I-15, passing highway patrolmen, smart cars, and meth-lab RVs along the way. Noticing the run down watering holes filled with cheap signage set in contrast to flashy over priced watering holes with pretentious signage, all posed against the backdrop of the California desert and its Joshua trees. Every now and then, I would take a peak at the day time moon piercing through the blue firmament gazing back at me. I wonder, how hard would it be to get approved for a visit to Armstrong? I doubt I have the money though. I kept glancing at it, wondering to myself, are you looking at it too Will?

The coke’s getting to me at this point I think. I focus my attention to other things, turning the radio up. Let’s see. Talk radio? “You simply don’t know what you’re fucking talking about! Explain to me exactly how it ain’t socialism you dick! If it’s government, it’s socialist! That’s why the founding fathers gave us social security, to teach us responsibility.”

No.

Umm, pop? I pressed down on the seek button. The tired “Millennial whoop” burst through the speakers of my car. People who are 35 pretending to be 15, dressed in neon clothes reciting their modern chant to their contemporary God. Nothing. Safe, marketable, unoffensive, nothing.

Where is this guy’s house? I double checked my GPS. It wasn’t working suddenly. I hadn’t paid attention to it for a bit. It was flickering back and forth between my car’s position and where my destination was. Doesn’t make any difference, I’m near the exit anyway. The satellite radio I was listening to began screwing up as well. I couldn’t understand what the lyrics of the song were trying to say anymore. They were verbalizing something, but it was all mushy. I turned it off, as it strangely made me feel drowsy. Don’t want to fall asleep at the wheel. I glanced back at the daytime moon again.

What is that? I thought to myself. There was this black speck gliding along the rim of Luna’s spherical shape. It’s not a bug. It... can’t be an airplane. This is Nevada I suppose, I’m liable to see a UFO at some point. I returned the view of my eyes back to the road, and finally took my exit. His “house” was a beat up RV, not unlike the meth labs on wheels I mentioned earlier. He had encamped himself on a slice of desert in an undeveloped part of North Las Vegas, not far from the gate to Nellis Air Force Base. I parked behind it and began texting Philip to let him know I was here, just in case this guy decides to chop my head off. If that happens, at least Philip will know where to find the skin suit he’s going to make out of me. As I hit send, I heard a bang on my wind shield. And then a dozen more in quick succession. There he was, fat, receding hairline, broken sunglasses, dirty polo shirt, and openly carrying a 9mm. “Hey! Hey! Hey! You’re here! You’re the girl? You’re the girl! From the news people thing? Come on, hurry up we got to go! Come on! Come on! Come on!” He screamed at the top of his lungs. I slowly got out, somewhat regretting not bringing my own sidearm with me. I guess that’s why you shouldn’t take a hit of cocaine to wake you up in the morning. I felt a sharp edge slightly press into my chest as I stood up out of my car seat. Good. I thought, at least I have my knife with me. Hidden in the one place he (hopefully) won’t try to grope. I stuck my hand out to shake his as the car door shut. “Nice to-”

He man handled it like a maniac before I could finish. “Yep! Great great great! We really gotta go doll face! They’re gonna be there any minute!” He spouted off.

“Who?” I asked.

“Air Force Special Activities Center! Illuminati enforcement bureau. Really high level dinosauroids. Far higher level lizard people than even the Governor.” He shouted as he got into his RV’s driver seat and started the engine. Or attempted to. Several times.

I was silent. Dumb struck. “You’re Frank Monterrey, right?” I asked him.

“Shhhhhhh! Don’t say it out fucking loud! Have you even run an evasion and recovery op like this before? Quite clearly not!” He shouted. The engine finally turned over and breathed life into the vehicle.

“I have... no idea what you’re talking about.” I said as I reluctantly climbed into the passenger side. I texted Philip real quick to tell him that I hated him now. As the man shifted into drive, I looked behind me into the interior of the RV. You know that meme from Always Sunny with Charlie explaining all the crazy shit on his wall and how its all connected? Yeah, I should convince this guy to let me take a picture of him doing the exact same thing in front of all that stuff back there because it would be a one for one. As implied, the RV’s walls and windows were littered with a collage containing pictures of some spade-shaped aircraft, portraits of some women in Space Corps and Navy uniforms, a group photo of a few astronauts in their space suits in front of an American flag, grainy photos of a bizarrely shaped... satellite? Hmm. Finally there was an old Polaroid of a woman with an 80s-style hairdo in a wedding dress holding hands with someone in a gorilla costume. The entire quote unquote ‘modern-art masterpiece’ was interspersed with the occasional classified military document and incoherently linked together with red string and thumbtacks.

“We’re coming, we’re coming, we’re coming now you pricks.” He said as the RV turned onto the road heading north. He continued to say something under his breath, “Bitch, Su, you bitch, hag, you hag you’ll finally see what choosing Squatch over me really means.“

My jaw hung out for a few seconds as I just took stock of what I drove over four hours to get out here for.

I just met a mentally-ill stranger who uses the President’s name as a pseudonym, stepped into his run down RV willingly so that he can take me God knows where so that we can recover something from the government in order to steal his crush back from the Sasquatch...

I checked my phone again to see if Philip had replied yet. I was going to tell him when I see him again I’ll be giving him a castration. But he hadn’t responded to my last text, or to the one before that for that matter. I turned to ‘Frank’ and asked, “Listen, does this have anything to do with that airliner you told my business partner about?”

He cut me off before I could finish. “Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.” He motored off. “We’re gonna get it, yes yes. We’re gonna get IT. Oh man, haha! You won’t believe how we’re gonna get it.“

“Uhhh, ok. How are we going to get ‘it’?” I asked politely.

He then proceeded to pull his pistol out of its holster and wave it around in my face with the safety off. “Good old American freedom! Hail Odin for the Third Amendment.”

I corrected him, “Second.“

He began to talk over me. “Tenth. Anyways, you women never know when you’re wrong especially when it’s that time of the month so to speak. Just like Su. Ahhh, yes. My lovely old Su.“ He looked over at me in that creepy old man I’m about to sexually harass you kinda way. My hand drew closer to where my knife was hidden. “You remind me of her. Oh yes. Oh yes.“ I now regretted the choice of clothing I made for that summer day. My legs pulled away and slammed into the door as he tried to place a hand on my thigh. I reached under my shirt and pulled the knife out reflexively. Before he could bring his hand back to where his holster sat on his hip, I instantly lunged over and pressed the blade just above it directly into where his kidney would be without breaking the skin.

“Keep your hands on the fucking wheel bitch!” I screamed at him, my eyes tearing up in rage, my head and chest pounding from the adrenaline. The RV slowed down on the empty road we had traversed to.

It was quiet. The RV stopped. He began to laugh. “Ahhh Su. Our famous lover’s quarrels. We’re not officially married until we have a few of those I suppose.”

I looked at him in confusion and disgust. “What is your problem old man? I’m not your wife, or who ever you’re talking about. I’m from the news group? Remember?”

A tear ran down his cheek. He suddenly lunged towards me and started to shout at the top of his lungs, “Su, please God just love me and not that ape!” He tried kissing me as his free hand pulled my torso into him. I stabbed into his side with the knife. And then again, and again. And then one more time until he stopped moving. He was lifeless on top of me now. I pushed him off, some of his blood gushing onto my shirt and shorts. It was so thick that when I stood up out of the RV, it escaped the fabric of my clothes and ran down my leg. Not a good look. I collected myself, thinking about where I was. On a back road in Nevada, a few miles away from my car. I could walk back to it, I thought to myself. I folded my arms as I leaned onto the door jam, staring at his body, trying to get myself to stop shaking. I didn’t cry. But I should have.

“How did you even come across that airliner?” I said out loud, and lingered on the thought. I recalled the collage of conspiracist fuel he called wallpaper inside. “Yeah. How did you come across it?” I said again, out loud. I pulled my phone out and texted Philip before I climbed in the back of the vehicle, “I need help. Now. Philip I really need your help now, please. Call me.” The message said. I started rummaging around all his stuff inside. There was a strange version of the American flag draped on a small plastic table. It was white with blue stars and vertical stripes. It looked familiar, but I couldn’t place my finger on it at the time. I looked underneath, finding a print out of a map. It showed a route from North LV to Needles to Santa Rosa, California and back. Did he actually go there? Did he take the picture himself? How did he know it would be there? I put it down and turned my attention to all the stuff on his wall. Who were these military women? Who were these astronauts? I unpinned the photo of the spade-shaped airplane from the wall and studied it, after a while glancing up to the grainy picture of the strange object and letting it catch my attention. I pulled it down next. It was shaped like... how can I describe this? It’s like I’m looking at a 3D image without 3D glasses. I pulled down some of the documents, beginning to think that this may have actually been worth it - kind of. If the red string was anything to go by, the document I was looking over right now had something to do with the uniformed young woman with glasses.

It was a transfer order of some sort from a few years ago. I’m not sure what the military would call it. It basically said this woman was to be released from the Air Force so that she may become a member of Monterrey’s new Space Corps. It said that she was to be promoted from 1st Lieutenant to Captain in doing so. It said her parent organization at the time was an intelligence squadron. Next to that it listed her weight and height. Next to that, her social security number. Next to that her last then first name.

Hayek, Poinsettia.

As I pondered over her significance, I heard the fake Frank’s phone go off. I walked over to the driver’s seat from behind his slumped over corpse, and struggled it out of his pocket. It was a text from someone named Will, which forced the image of the Will I know to the front of my mind, making me zone out. Another notification sound snapped me out of it. “Where are you? They’re almost here! This is the last chance for the We The People revolution if we miss this window! I State This Emphatically As Will Williamson, Individual, Sovereign, Citizen Of The Republic of Nevada, Independent AND Sovereign. Electronically NOTARIZED (Documented Permanently) In The Year Of Our Lord In Accordance With Common Law AND NOT ADMIRALITY LAW.”

After reading that bit of nonsense I went and scrolled up into the conversation they had over messaging and found the map coordinates of the destination fake Frank was supposed to meet him at before I stabbed him... to death. I decided that, well, since I killed him it might as well be worth it to at least see what he was taking me to. I collected everything off the wall and the table save for the flag and piled it together. I laid them on the passenger seat, got out and went around to the driver’s side. I pulled his fat, smelly, stiff body out of its place with all my strength, nearly pulling my back out in the process. After he fell onto the asphalt of the road, I leaned over and removed his pistol from his holster. I checked the magazine. It was full. Placed it back in, putting the safety on. I got into the driver’s seat he once occupied, and sped off to the location provided by his fellow freak.

It took me another thirty minutes to get there. Civilization was far from here now. I was almost certain this had to border some sort of military range or government land of some type. As I arrived I noticed a beat-up sedan with a faded paint job to the side of the road behind one of the safety barricades. I pulled up behind it and put it into park. I stared at it for a minute, seeing if anyone was there. After a while of inactivity, I got out to take a closer look. There was no one inside. There were more documents and folders in the back seat however. Then I heard a voice call out to me.

“Hey! Hey!” He shouted. He was dressed like a hobo, standing by himself far away from the road in the middle of the desert facing away from me. I squinted my eyes and realized he was urinating. He finished, turned around and began walking towards me, neglecting to put his... thing away.

“Umm, hello?” I replied.

He shouted back. “Who is you?” I could make out his crusty, sun burnt face now.

“I’m a friend of Frank. I think.” I said back.

“Who’s Frank?” He asked.

“You don’t know who-“ I looked down and realized it was still hanging out. “Oh my God. Hey look, your... member is still out.”

He looked down and made an embarrassed face. “Ooopsies. I’m sorry.” He said in a strangely childish way as he fixed himself. I got the feeling he was a bit slow or low-functioning. As he finally made his way over to me and came around the front of the car, he saw that I had a gun in my hands and began to panic. “What!? Who is you! Why you have that!” Then he saw the dried blood on my leg and stains on my clothes. He began to scream. “Oh my Jesus! You... you killeds Will! That’s why he ain’t been back! Get aways!”

I put the gun down on the roof of the car and tried calming him. “Listen! Shh! Shhh! It’s okay, listen. I didn’t kill Will okay? Someone tried to hurt me, and I... stopped them from doing that, alright? But it wasn’t Will. Okay?”

He relaxed slightly, trying not to look at me, keeping his eyes on the gun as he muttered “Okay...”

“Listen, can you tell me who Will is or what you’re doing out here all alone?” I asked him in a concerned tone.

He kicked some rocks at his feet and put his hands in his pockets. “Well... Will said we was going to stops the dinosaur guys, take the rocket ship back and start the We People rebelution.”

I put my arm on his shoulder and questioned, “Okay, and where did Will go?”

“He says he was gonna get the other American heroes and that he’d be back.” The poor man informed me.

“How long ago was that?” I asked him.

“Since the... um, the sun come up before the the last time it was down and up. I think.“ He said, possibly alluding to yesterday morning.

“You’ve been out here for two days?” I said, shocked.

He shrugged his shoulders, and said “I guess” as though he were a confused child separated from his mother.

Before I could ask him what his name was, the sound of thundering engines broke through from over the horizon. Down the road we could see a convoy. Three black SUVs. A white pickup. And a semi-truck bearing an oversized load sign on it. On its trailer sat a large object, which I first thought was saucer-like in shape. However the closer it got to us I realized that was only from the front, as it was much more spade-like from the side. “Wait, is that the thing he was talking about?” I said out loud.

The poor confused man in front of me got jumpy again all of the sudden. He pulled out a torn piece of line paper and read from it. “This is, this is what Will says would be happen! I got to do the revolt thing, for Will!” Before I could say anything, he grabbed the gun from off the roof of the car and ran out into the road, almost tripping over the barricade and falling on his face. He stopped on top of the median, and raised the pistol to the sky and tried firing off a few rounds before he realized the safety was still on. As he tried to figure out how the thing works, the semi-truck pulled up in front of him and stopped. Two of the black SUVs flanked around the truck aggressively and stopped in front of it. Suddenly, hatches opened on each of their roofs, both revealing a Gatling gun turret manned by what I assumed to be soldiers in black masks and tan helmets. A man got out of the passenger side of the SUV in front of me. He didn’t have a mask on, but he was equipped with the heavy-duty version of the military’s new powered exoskeleton. I knew this, because some more mainstream journalists I’m acquainted with had been invited to a closed door demonstration of it last year. It looked just like the one in the few photos they were allowed to take. If my memory serves me right, the program that developed it was known as “INVICTUS” which stood for something though I can’t exactly remember what.

He stepped forward in his suit towards the confused man. The torso of the suit resembled something an EOD might wear (in fact I think those bomb disposal suits were the inspiration for it originally). A plate of Kevlar jutted out from the chest area, protecting the man’s neck and covering up his lower jaw. This plate of Kevlar had a black and white American flag sticker placed upon it, with some words etched into it that read “NOYFB”. Around his stomach area sat a small hollowed out compartment built into his armor that provided a place where things like extra magazines and smoke grenades could be easily accessed by the wearer. From the right side of his body there was a black tactically dressed up 12-gauge hanging in the air via parachute cord. The weapon dangled carelessly near the grip of his palm with each step he took. From the pictures I saw, I recalled that the wearer is usually supposed to be sporting a helmet of some kind possessing all the night-vision accessories you’d expect to see on a commando like this. However, this man did not have his with him. I could see his face from the mouth up. Head shaved. Either Black or mixed-race. Hazel eyes. It sounds cliche, but he had a prominent scar running down from his temple to the corner of his mouth. He stopped about 6 or so feet in front of him. His right hand became itchy, the servos in the exoskeleton girding his arm quietly revving up and down as if they were imps begging their master to let them slaughter something.

One of the men on the turrets called out to my confused acquaintance. “Move or be moved!”

I could tell the poor guy had a lump in his throat at this point. He tried reading from the piece of paper he had, gun still in hand. “We the pe... We... People. Demands, uhhh.“ He said through the nervousness consuming his face muscles.

As he fumbled with his words I could see the man on the turret was now becoming agitated. He shook his head, and exclaimed to the man in the INVICTUS armor - “Well then I guess you gotta move him!”

Suddenly he gripped the trigger group of his shotgun, pulling down on it and breaking the parachute cord that held it. And then he did something I hadn’t expected to see that day. Remember how in certain Westerns or movies like RoboCop, when the hero un-holsters his weapon he spins it around in the air as he brings his arm parallel with the ground? Yeah, he did that. One handed. With a shotgun. The 12-gauge did one full rotation until it returned to its original position, the soldier quickly steadied it and fired a slug off into the poor confused man’s face killing him instantly. The recoil barely forced his arm up. The confused man’s body hit the ground with a loud thud, relinquishing the pistol and his torn piece of paper from his grip. I watched as the breeze carried it away into the wasteland of southern Nevada. That’s when the soldier, or commando, or security guard or whatever he was turned his attention to me.

He calmly walked towards where I was, stepping on top of the safety barricade that previously separated us. He pumped his weapon with the assistance of his other hand and proceeded to point it at me now. I stood there, frozen. He asked in a cold tone, “Who the fuck are you?”

The man in the turret spoke, “We don’t care! We’re on a schedule, pump one into her and let’s go!”

I tried bargaining with them for my life. “Hey... hey... Listen.” I said in a soothing, somewhat sexual tone in an attempt to put their guard down. I then fucked it up with “Please” as my voice cracked out of fear. I tried seeming cute and aroused to them. I forced a flirtatious smile out through my terror, bent my unbloodied leg at the knee towards him, and pulling my shirt down by the collar revealing a portion of my bra. “Tha-that’d be such a waste, Sir.” I said that bit with as much suggestive energy as I could muster considering the circumstances.

He didn’t buy it.

He smirked, chuckling a bit. “Hahaha... wooow. Really?”

I nodded as my breath became shorter. “U-uh huh.” I said nervously, still smiling like an idiot.

“Well... nah.” He replied, a nasty smile covering his face. His index finger gripped the trigger. I turned pale, collapsing into a ball, covering my head with my arms in terror.

I shouted, “No please!”

Then, I heard a click. And nothing happened. I looked up from where I had been cowering.  He was still pointing that thing at me. He spoke. “Well, would you look at that? All out of rounds.” He laughed at me.

The man in the turret threw his arms into the air in frustration. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He screamed at his compatriot. He turned the barrels of his weapon towards me. “Move, I’ll do it.” He commanded the soldier in front of me. My eyes widened, how the hell do I get out of this?

As he stepped down off of the barricade, he looked into the sky behind me as if something suddenly set his internal radar off. He squinted his eyes, looking past me, and pointed once he finally found it. I turned to see what it was. A small, faint gray dot off in the distance flying in front of some clouds. I heard the man in the INVICTUS armor say - “Shit, they’ve been following us.” He yelled at the man in the turret. “I told you not to stop!”

Suddenly they were all in a panic. They retracted their turrets back into their SUVs, the soldier running back over to the one he got out of and slamming the door as he got back in. The semi-truck started its engine back up, and the convoy sped off leaving me to be showered by the dust they kicked up. The semi flattened the dead man still laying their like roadkill as it escaped. I stared as they disappeared down the road. I pinched myself just to make sure I didn’t dream that part.

“What the fuck is going on here?“ I said out loud to myself, and to my dead friend over on the road. I turned around to see what could of scared them off. The gray dot was bigger now, a lot bigger, actually it wasn’t a dot at all. More like a boomerang or something. Was it... a drone? Maybe, I know they fly them out of the middle of Nevada somewhere. It must be a drone, because I can hear its jet engine now. The drone was directly over head of me now, banking left to make a turn. Just then, I noticed something gigantic appear in my periphery vision. It was a large... blimp I guess? I’m not sure, but I couldn’t hear anything coming from it so it had to be a blimp I assumed. It was painted all black but wasn’t shaped like a traditional blimp however, more triangular than oval. It emerged from inside a massive nimbus cloud, where I assumed it must have been hiding all this time. Was this what they were running from? Soon it completely escaped the ivory clutches of the cloud and I could discern a series of turbofans mounted on the end of it.

And that was the last thing I can remember before I woke up here.

That’s right. I blacked out. I don’t remember what happened after that. I have a splitting headache now though. Probably from all the adrenaline and fear that day, but also probably from whatever drug was used to knock me out. If I was really knocked out that is. Whoever it was that drugged me left me here in the terminal at McCarran Airport south of Vegas. I was cleaned up. My blood stained clothes were replaced with some jeans and a button up blouse I had packed in my car for the trip.  I shuddered at the thought of anyone undressing me while I was incapacitated. I looked around me. My computer bag I had left in my car was there next to me. My purse was no where to be found however. I had a Combined Airways ticket in my hand. My phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out. It was Philip’s intern.

“Hello?” I answered it.

“Hey boss, did you get through security yet?“ He said over the phone.

“Umm... I don’t, yeah. Wait, what’s going on?“ I asked him, still groggy.

“What are you talking about?“ He sounded concerned for me.

“Listen, I’m sorry about how weird this must sound but can you just tell me what’s going on?“ I demanded.

“Uhh, sure. I guess. You’re about to take a flight home to SoCal because your car was stolen.“ He explained.

“And what else? You may not believe me, but I really have no idea what’s going on.” I sounded desperate.

He reassured me. “Ok ok. Calm down. You called me yesterday night and said the conspiracy theorist guy never showed up and that Philip wasn’t answering his phone. Remember?”

“I remember Philip not answering my texts...” I ran my finger through my pastel hair, losing my mind.

He continued. “Well I tried calling him but he wouldn’t pick up for me either. And he wasn’t at the office or his house today. On top of that, his girlfriend said she hadn’t seen him since he left for work yesterday. I’m kinda concerned actually. Anyways, after I got done talking to her, you called me and said you were mugged after getting some Burger Paladin last night. You said the muggers stole your car and your purse.“

I was floored. “Burger Paladin? I never eat at Burger Paladin. I hate that place.”

“Well, I mean I thought it was a little weird. I don’t know many people who go there myself.” He reasoned. He went on. “Anyways, after that you had me go buy you a ticket so you could come home. Man, I hope Philip’s not missing.”

“Me too...” I said nervously. “Look, I need to do something normal to clear my head. Can you send me the script for the recap? I have some time before my flight starts boarding.”

“Sure, I’ll email it to you now.” He affirmed.

I thanked him and hung up. My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out again. I needed something to eat. The food court was right in front of me. As I stood up from the bench I realized I had been sitting on a folder the entire time. I picked it up and opened it. My happiness returned for a fleeting moment. It was the stuff I had taken out of fake Frank’s RV, and if I’m not mistaken the stuff that was in that confused individual’s car as well. Why would they leave this with me?

I ordered a few tacos from Hornet’s, and a slice of pepperoni to boot. I sat down at a table and collected myself, opening my laptop as I crunched into the shell. I felt like crying. I started recording the weekly recap, beginning it with my signature line. “This is Slice. This is your week. This, is the world’s week.” It didn’t take me that long to finish it, they’re not that extensive usually. Never lasting more than five minutes. Things weren’t looking too good in the world. A bunch of people were taken hostage in the Indian Ocean. The government was fighting itself instead of solving it. The IACS seminar had ended earlier than expected because of Monterrey’s announcement. The Chinese were telling the world they’re prepared to wallop the U.S. in space if they tried anything. I suppose the Space Corps, if it works as advertised, will solve the problem it created.

I lingered on that thought. Space Corps. Who was it that I know in the Space Corps? That’s right... that Captain Hayek woman. I reopened the documents I had with me. I went over her transfer papers again. I found another document detailing her reassignment to the “Air Force Special Activities Center” after she joined the Space Corps. Now didn’t fake Frank mention something about that? I studied the files of these other two women. Both enlisted. One who was transferred from the Air Force into the Corps. The other from the Navy. Horace, Jessica. Gregory, Amanda. Miss Horace was promoted from a Technical Sergeant in the Air Force to Space Systems Sergeant when she switched. Miss Gregory’s transfer hasn’t happened yet but is scheduled for this upcoming week. What do these people do? What’s their job? I searched for their unit’s name on the internet. Interestingly enough, I came by a thread on a dormant BBS forum from the early 2000s. The author of the thread claimed that the AFSAC were the originators of the “Men In Black” urban legend going all the way back to the 50s. I almost screamed in fright in the middle of the food court as I read the poster’s username. Frank_Monterrey.

“It can’t be.” I quickly dove back into the documents splayed out in front of me. All of it was crazy. After action reports of AFSAC monitoring the daily routines of NASA astronauts. Commander’s authorizations for invasions of privacy, including the taping of the astronauts’ phone calls, breaking into their homes and installing spyware onto their electronics. A request asking for enough AFSAC agents to replace the wait staff at the hotel I tried getting at job at. Details of the government’s dissatisfaction with this “Blackstar” program - the aircraft I had seen all those pictures of, one document calling it the ‘XOV’. And then this thing... this ‘object’.  What the hell is it? It creeps me out to look at it too long. There were additional photos of a damaged Chinese spacecraft. These labeled “inadvertent shoot down“. Wait a minute, shoot down? I double checked to make sure where exactly this spaceplane was when it was shot at. I recognized the unfinished habitats behind it. Everyone in the United States had seen these paraded around by Hood Fisher in a bunch of different soft drink and fast food commercials throughout the year. It was New America. The future space colony. But that doesn’t make any sense. I checked and re-checked the script I had been sent for the weekly recap. Last paragraph - “PLA officials also announced this week that an accident of some type has taken place at the site of the future State of New America near Lagrange point 5 that required the emergency reentry of a small group of space vehicles. No further elaboration on the details of this event has been given at this time.“

I sat back in my chair and took stock of what the evidence was telling me. We shot at the Chinese in space, just after the President announced to the world that we would no longer accept the presence of anyone else’s military in said space. And now the Chinese are covering it up? After threatening the President right back?

I looked down and let my hair drape over my face as I rubbed my forehead trying to mull this over. The headache was still getting to me. I resolved to get something more than just what I had in front of me. I sent Philip’s intern my finished recording of the recap and asked him to file a FOIA request about this shoot down near New America. As I sent the email I heard an airplane taxiing outside the window in front of me at the food court. A Janet flight. That’s not funny. That’s really not funny. Fuck you, you’re what started all this. I watched as it approached the runway and began to take off. All I could think about was how much I hated this airliner, how much I hated not knowing why the Chinese were covering up the shoot down, how much I hated that man I killed and how much I hated myself for killing him. And I thought about how much Will would hate me.

I picked up the picture of the damaged spaceplane once more. “It can’t be.” I said under my breath.

“Oh, but it can be.” I head a voice say. I looked up as a balding old white guy in a dress shirt and sunglasses sat down in front of me, closing my laptop as he did so.

“Umm, excuse me asshole.” I said indignantly. “Who the hell are you?”

“Well my dear Clementine. Ah, Clementine Forrester that is. I’m... a snake person or a lizard I guess.“ He revealed my own name to me as he laughed in my face. I watched two cops in plain clothes sit down on the table behind him, seemingly not paying any attention to us.

My heart began to pound again. I was silent for a few seconds. “How do you know that? How do you know my name?“ I asked.

He expounded. “Well, I mean, how couldn’t I know? I am the one who sold that passport to you after all. In fact, I’m the one that set you up with ‘Frank Monterrey’. And I’m the one that gave him all that shit you’ve been blowing your mind with for the past few minutes. And to top it all off, I’m the one who’s gonna get you on board one of those Janet flights so you can do some ‘personal’ journalism for me.“

I narrowed my eyes and steeled my resolve. “And tell me exactly why I would do a fucking thing for your ass?”

He cackled as he stole my slice of pizza, taking a bite of it. He swallowed and threw it back down onto my plate, leaning in as he rubbed his hands together and explained. “Well my dear, because I’m the only one who can get your business partner out of the proverbial and literal hole he’s in.”

A shiver ran down my back.

“You didn’t think he could just aide and abet a known national security threat like yourself and get away with it, did you?“ He asked me.

Well, at least I have my story now. I thought to myself.

I'm an undercover journalist investigating the President’s space force

[ingridgovaninsights]

The Charlotte Chapters- Part 10

When Elliott and I left the hospital, it was one in the morning. The town was quiet; I didn’t even know which town we’d ended up in. But Elliott knew his way around. We started driving back home. It was a quiet night on the highway.

“If you don’t mind my asking, what was Victoria saying to you on the phone?” I asked after we had driven in silence for a good ten or fifteen minutes.

It wasn’t a comfortable silence, it was an awkward silence. I was perfectly fine with comfortable silence, but our silences recently weren’t so comfy. There was an unspoken tension in the air between us.

“Oh, she was getting all pissed off because I took you to the crisis unit,” he mumbled. “But hey, what else is new, right?”

“Elliott, what is her problem?” I asked. “She seems to really have something against me.”

“Yep, it’s because of our history,” he said. “Victoria is a very… jealous person. But she has her reasons, so I’m not going to go and talk shit about her.”

“She has her reasons? You’re trying to justify it,” I said, getting quite heated about it. “She can be jealous all she wants, but you haven’t given her a reason to be so rude to you. The way she’s been talking to you is just… ridiculous. Do you not see that?”

Elliott shrugged. “I mean, sometimes I think maybe she’s a little out of line, but hey… she’s got quite a few mental issues, okay?”

“Why are you making excuses for her? You’ve told me so many times you’re the one who cuts through the bullshit. So why do you lie when it’s about her?”

Elliott sighed. He started tapping his fingers against the steering wheel; was he anxious?

“I… I don’t know. I’m afraid she’s all I’ve got. If I lose her, I lose my chance at love, at a family, at an actual life…”

“Is it true love if you have to cover things up all the time?” I asked boldly.

It was something I should have asked myself a long time ago. Elliott had no answer.

***

Elliott and I didn’t really talk again between that night and Friday night- my date night with Oliver. I was too nervous, anyways, to be dealing with the Elliott and Victoria drama. I was probably just as nervous as I was excited. Is that a bad thing?

We were supposed to be meeting downtown in a couple of hours. I stood in front of my bedroom mirror, completely naked, and really looked hard at my reflection. I hated what I saw. I looked so plain, so boring. And my figure was far from the ideal- after so much stress and anxiety, I probably gained about ten pounds. I had extra weight to go around, for sure; I could pinch my side and grab a handful of fat. 

Fat- that’s how I felt.

I stood awkwardly, my hair a mess and my eyes looked tired. I didn’t feel very ladylike. Why did I have such muscular legs, and such small breasts? I wanted to feel like a woman, and a powerful one at that. I couldn’t, so long as I felt this way about myself.

So I would have to mask the insecurity. I stepped into the shower and let the hot water cascade over my body. I squeezed a ton of body wash into the palm of my hand, and started scrubbing almost desperately. I wanted to wash away all of the filth that was my life; but sadly, no amount of scrubbing could do that.

When I was finally done showering, I towel dried my hair as best as I could and slipped into my favorite outfit- bright red skinny jeans and a plain grey v-neck. It was simple, but I felt most comfortable in it, and my red pants gave everything a pop. I felt slightly less insecure hiding under my clothes.

I wasn’t one for makeup, but I applied a thin layer to try and give myself a boost of confidence. I told myself I didn’t look half bad. It would be okay.

Before I knew it, it was time to head out. I grabbed my purse and dipped out into the brisk evening. I only had to walk a few blocks to get to downtown- it wasn’t far, yet people still felt uncomfortable about women walking alone at night. What was the big deal? Men could get kidnapped or attacked, too.

The pub looked extremely busy- every table including the tables on the patio were full. Lovely. Unfortunately, I spotted Oliver already at a table in the far corner… looks like I’d have to endure the noise level.

Oliver looked incredibly handsome, even in the poor pub lighting. His Jesus hair was tied back into a ponytail, and he wore a nicely fitted black t-shirt with faded blue ripped jeans. Even something so casual looked so fine on him… but I had to stop ogling. I was too caught up in his appearances; I didn’t even know the man yet. I composed myself and walked over to meet him.

He turned around, noticed me and smiled. “Well, look who it is.”

I couldn’t help but smile back. He had such a great energy about him, it was so hard not to feel like you were being hugged by the positivity, too. When I took a seat across from him, he watched me curiously, as if he were trying to read me. I fidgeted, feeling quite awkward about it. I never knew what to do when people looked at me for extended periods of time.

Luckily, the waitress came over and broke the awkwardness. “Hi! Can I get you something to drink?”

She was smiling over at me. I looked at Oliver’s half-full glass of beer. “I’ll have whatever he’s having. Thanks.”

With another smile and a nod she disappeared to fetch me my drink. So there we were again, in awkwardness. Damn it, why couldn’t she have stayed a little longer to avoid this situation? My heart was pounding. I felt overwhelmingly anxious.

“So, Charlotte. Tell me a bit about yourself.” I was thankful that Oliver started the conversation for us.

“Well, what would you like to know?” Apparently I couldn’t think clearly enough to come up with something to say on my own.

“Well… I know you work at the restaurant. You moved back here not too long ago. What happened there, if you don’t mind me asking?”

I hesitated. It was a bit of a personal question to be asking right away on a first date. But I wasn’t going to lie or pass on the question. My story should be heard.

“I left to move back here because I broke up with my boyfriend at the time. Not sure if I told you that or not. Anyways, it was a bit rough. He was quite… controlling. Jealous. Manipulative. Yeah, those are good words. He turned something that happened into something it wasn’t, and it caused lots of fighting between us. Things eventually had to come to an end, so I decided enough was enough.”

I tried to go for a more vague answer, since I wasn’t interested in scaring Oliver away; I just wanted to give him the gist of the story. Oliver was nodding slowly, as if he could understand. Did he, though?

“Right, right. Charlotte, I’m so sorry. That’s really awful. Do you stay in touch with him?”

“No,” I answered quickly, “not at all. He cut all contact with me, and to be honest I think I’d rather it stay that way. I don’t need to associate with people like that.”

The waitress came by and plopped the beer down on the wooden pub table. It had taken a while, no doubt- they were incredibly busy, and just next to us there was a big party table of maybe fifteen college students. They were all sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, laughing loudly and drinking endless amounts of beer. They split some nachos- which looked really tasty- and a big plate of calamari. How could they possibly have a meaningful conversation with so many people begging for their input to be heard? That’s why I didn’t like big social groups- it was difficult to go deeper than chatting about movies and sports without getting lost and overwhelmed.

The party table made me pretty anxious. Surely they’d had several pitchers of beer, and they were getting quite rowdy. They were laughing about something on the TV- but I didn’t understand what was so funny. For them, it was probably the buzz talking. Blah. I took a long drink of my beer; hopefully it would soon take the edge off. I didn’t drink alcohol as much these days- after the “three month crisis” (as Elliott and I like to call the break in the relationship for Ross and I where all I did was drink and act impulsively), I was a lot more cautious about my drinking habits. So with that knowledge, I didn’t need to drink too much to get a bit of a buzz.

“Okay. So you had a bad breakup with an asshole of a guy, and you’re not in touch with him anymore.” Oliver was thoughtful. “Okay, that gives me a lot of background and helps me know where you’re at. Thanks for sharing.”

“What about you?” I asked. “What was your last relationship like?”

“Ah,” he said, taking the final gulp of his beer, “good question. I was with my ex for two years. It was really, really good for the most part. We knew each other in high school, but weren’t part of the same social circle so we never talked. But we reconnected, randomly, on Facebook years later. Social media is pretty amazing that way. Anyways, yeah, we had a good run, but ultimately we had to go our separate ways because she decided to go backpacking in Europe for a year, which was great for her, but not my plan. We just wanted different things.”

“Wow,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a break up as… mutual as that. As cleanly cut.”

Oliver shrugged. “Sometimes there’s no choice but for it to be messy. It sounds like you didn’t have much of a say, Charlotte. So don’t think about it too much. Can’t be pals with all of your exes.”

“You could,” I said. “But would you want to, is the question.”

“Aha,” Oliver said.

We just sat for a moment, and surprisingly it wasn’t awkward. We both quietly watched the group of college students as they all started singing some random show tune through bursts of laughter. Wow, I sometimes wish I could be that free spirited. Maybe if I had more friends. Maybe if I wasn’t so anxious all the time…

“So do you wanna get out of here?” Oliver asked me with a sly grin. “We can take a walk or something, go get ice cream.”

“That sounds great.”

***

Oliver and I hung out for maybe four hours, which was considered wild for most first dates. But I wouldn’t consider myself normal- the longer the better, if it meant getting to know the other person more.

We walked along the water, and found a bench to sit at with a nice view. We had ice cream- Moose Tracks for me, plain old vanilla for him. I don’t understand how people can choose such a basic flavor when there are so many exotic flavors to try.

“So tell me what it is you like to do for fun,” Oliver said, paying special attention to his ice cream. He was flattening it out with his plastic spoon- somehow it tasted better if you manually made it soft serve. Maybe it just went down easier.

“Um…” It was a question I had to think about. Everyone seemed to have their “thing”- for instance, Elliott was a car guy; my sister was a painter, Ross had always been the video game guy. What did I do?

“I’ll go first then. I would definitely call myself an outdoorsy kind of guy. I love to hike. Last summer I went up north, no plan in mind, with a sleeping bag and a few cans of beans. I found a really cool spot in the middle of nowhere and I just camped out. On my own. It was quite peaceful- I had a fire and just sat in the quiet with a book. What a great time that was.”

Wow. I honestly couldn’t compete with that- but then again, who said it was a competition? I tried to think about what I’d been up to for the past several months, and I realized I never tried to work on myself. I worked for money- slaving away at the restaurant- and I worked to please other people, but I failed myself big time.

“Um… well, I like to hang out with friends,” I said. “Uh… is work a hobby?” I joked, laughing nervously. He was going to lose interest so fast…

Oliver chuckled. “Oh, I could probably say the same. I work a ton, too. So let’s say it’s a Wednesday night, and you have the entire night off to yourself. What do you choose to do?”

Why was Oliver asking me all of these questions? I felt like I was being interrogated, and though I didn’t do anything wrong, I felt guilty. My palms were sweaty; I shifted in my seat.

“Well… I used to write,” I mumbled. “I don’t do much of that anymore. Maybe I would have a nice bath, listen to some music… but then again, I’m not really a bath person…”

“Used to write, eh?” Oliver raised his eyebrows. “What happened with that?”

“It wasn’t anything fancy. I mean, I’m no bestselling author,” I laughed. “I used to write short stories for fun. I never showed anyone, though. I wrote tons of stuff in those 100-page journals you can get at the dollar store… I have them kept away in a giant tote somewhere.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Oliver said.

I shrugged. “Well… Ross happened. That’s my ex. And then… I think I got so involved in the idea of being a ‘we’, I forgot the whole concept of being a ‘me’.”

Oliver was nodding heavily, like he could really speak to that. “Yeah, yeah. I hear you. But Charlotte, now’s the time to rediscover that concept. You’re still young, you have lots of time to figure out what you want to do and who you are. The love you are looking for will be here when you get back, and you want to know something? If you take the time to do some soul searching, that love will be stronger than ever, and it will be so worth it.”

“You sound so wise,” I said. “It’s as if you’re speaking from experience.”

“I am thirty years old,” he said. “It’s not older by much- you’re what, twenty-three?- but old enough to have a little more knowledge on that topic. You’ll get there. And then you can pass that along to others.”

“You’re thirty,” I repeated. “Aren’t you looking to maybe settle down soon?”

Oliver shrugged. “I gave up on rushing myself, it was just stressing me out too much. Look, if I can wait this long, you can wait a little longer to better yourself and just focus on enjoying life.”

“But what if I’m always going to be alone?”

“That’s a foolish notion,” he said. “Work on yourself first.”