#just like anyone i spend time around. but most of those people voluntarily chose to be around me. ppl at work are forced to be near me

[acciocriativity]

Helpless||Harry Potter

Pairing: George Weasley x Reader

Summary: You are one of the students of the Beauxbatons commission and like the others you are determined to win the Triwizard Tournament but instead of the Goblet of Fire, you ended this season at Hogwarts with something better . 

Word Count: 2,0 k  

N / A: This story is based on the Helpless of the musical Hamilton and if you want, I recommend listening to the song along with the lyrics.

Part II 

Ooh, I do, I do, I do, I do (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

Hey! Ooh, I do, I do, I do, I do (Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

 I have come to be known for some characteristics over the years. For most of my colleagues, determination and patience, but for my family and especially my sister, I was always going to be a hopeless romantic. 

But then we heard about the Tournament and I would have to concentrate fully if my name came out of the Goblet of Fire, so I decided to leave this side of me in France. But that change did not last more than a few hours. 

Boy, you got me helpless

Look into your eyes, and the sky's the limit

 We were all sitting at the Ravenclaw table while the director finished announcing the Triwizard Tournament formalities and I couldn't be paying any less attention. From the moment I entered that room, a pair of bright brown eyes caught my eye. I couldn't help noticing the incredible amount of redheads on one table, but only one of them left me with a different feeling that I didn't know until now. 

Of course, I didn't spend much time looking. My goal here is very specific, I would not have time for distractions as my name could be called up tomorrow. 

- Of course, to travel to a swamp on the other side of the world, you're going to have to give up putting your name in the cup, right? - my sister asked in an irritated tone of voice and I had no idea why or what she was saying.

- Oh sure, I think it's a great idea, sis - I replied with a smile as I looked back at the director, but he was no longer standing - has he finished? Has he talked about the Yule Ball too?? - I asked, looking back at the older one. 

- Yes, why are you acting like this? Eat a little, I think the trip didn't do you much good - she replied with a worried tone, leaving the anger aside. 

I agreed to a nod and concentrated on the French food that had been kindly prepared for our arrival, but my eyes kept looking back at the table where he was one last time. 

I'm helpless

Down for the count, and I'm drownin 'in' on

 The next day, during the morning there was a circle of students around the Goblet of Fire but as soon as we arrived, they made room and then each one of us put the paper with our name in there. I chose to be the last in line, because I was in no hurry and for a single reason. He was there again. 

The same eyes, but now I could see more closely and without having to worry because it was not in my direction that they were. The boy was having a lively conversation with some other students and his own twin. 

After my turn passed, I walked over to where a friend was standing because I also wanted to see the rest of the competition, that's not exactly what happened. 

I admit it was a funny scene to see the two of them being thrown two meters out of that circle but at the same time, I was a little worried. 

I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight

We were at a revel with some rebels on a hot night

 After a few months, we were finally at that ball that promised to be one of the best events of the year and perhaps the decade at Hogwarts. A lot of things changed in the meantime, the first was that I wouldn’t be the champion but I was vehemently rooting for Fleur, the second thing is that a minor had entered the competition and that turned this castle upside down and finally, I had managed to get close to that redhead. To be fair, me and Alexia. We both agreed that only an idiot would voluntarily sign up as a minor, this caught the attention of Harry Potter's friends and himself. 

In fact I learned his name, it's George, it's easy to tell when I can see his face. From the back, I don't have much of a guarantee and it's hard to see them standing still somewhere, so it's even more difficult for me that way. 

Laughin 'at my sister as she's dazzling the room

Then you walked in and my heart went, "Boom!"

 I had been invited by some boys before accepting to come with a student from Durmstrang, I confess that I hoped to be invited by George but I preferred not to risk waiting. 

I looked for my sister with my eyes and it was not difficult to find her, she was dancing with her own partner in the middle of the dance floor, impossible not to notice. They were even a beautiful couple, but I knew she was interested in someone else, I just didn't know who. Just as I hadn't told her about my feelings yet. 

My attention changed completely when I saw the door to the Great Hall open and the unaccompanied Weasley twins came in. My heart stopped for a second and I could feel it beat faster, some questions crossed my mind. I hadn't seen them before, did they come alone? Hope had returned. 

Tryin 'to catch your eye from the side of the ballroom

Everybody's dancin' and the band's top volume

 The slow song was over but I only noticed it when I saw the girl in front of me and then I smiled, trying not to lose sight of George but didn't go like that, since I was on the other side of the dance floor. 

- You were having fun out there, weren’t you?? - I asked with a smile, giving up looking over her shoulder, so I just focused on her face. 

- Yes, and where is your partner? You should be having fun too - she replied leaning against the wall beside me. 

- He said he was going to talk to his friends but so far he hasn't returned - I couldn't hide my indifference, because I never had to hide anything with her.  

Grind to the rhythm as we wine and dine

Grab my sister and whisper: Yo, this one's mine

- I know he wasn't your first choice, so who is it? I’m willing to know - his gaze left me and scanned the party full of people, looking for who could be right for me. 

- I wanted to make sure he was interested in me before I told you. It's George, from the first moment we arrived here for the first time - I didn't try to hide my smile or my passionate look when I finally found the redhead again. 

My sister made her way across the room to you (ooh)

And I got nervous thinking

"What's she gonna do?" (Ooh)

 In a moment, she was beside me with an expression I didn't recognize and a second later the brunette was walking towards the other side of the dancefloor. 

- Alexia, what are you going to do… - I didn't even try to speak out loud, because the music was incredibly loud for anyone but me to hear. 

To my horror, she walked towards the Weasleys and I

paralyzed. One of my sister's characteristics comes down to doing basically everything for me, I already knew that nothing bad could be in her intentions but that didn't relieve my nervousness. 

She grabs you by the arm

I'm thinkin ', "I'm through" (ooh)

Then you look back at me

And suddenly I'm helpless

 I couldn't look away even though I looked crazy to those outside, so the two stepped aside a few meters and I could hear my heartbeat increasing by the second. 

Would I like to be able to hear them? Certainly, but before I could think better about it. He looked directly at me. 

Oh, look at those eyes (look into your eyes)

And the sky's the limit

I'm helpless (I know)

Down for the count and I'm drownin '

Helpless (I am so into you)

 Few things in life have left me so nervous as that moment when George Weasley was walking towards me, with that smile on his face, the kind of smile I hadn't seen yet but perfectly matched his features. 

She accompanied him halfway and winked at me before returning to the dancefloor. I didn't know what to expect but I would thank her forever, if that was what my hopeless heart was telling me. 

Look into your eyes (I am so into you)

And the sky's the limit

I'm helpless

I know I'm down for the count

And I'm drownin 'in' in

 The night ended perfectly and I almost felt like it was fate, because his partner ended up dancing with my partner. So they didn't even care for a second about being "abandoned", not that I was going to let this opportunity just slip through my fingers. 

He was cute and kind, we danced and talked a little bit alone before going back to our friends. 

But this time it was different because we were never so close to each other, I couldn't help but notice his arm around my shoulder, making me stay even closer to him. 

That was my signal, the signal that this night meant something more to him too. 

One week later

I'm writin 'a letter nightly

Now my life gets better, every letter that you write me

 A week later, I had come to Paris with Ale to spend the Christmas holiday with our parents, but it didn't mean that we would lose contact. At that point it was past midnight when I was replying the letter I just received. 

The owl that brought it was barely able to flap its wings when it arrived here and as it was freezing outside, I left it in the cage with mine to rest. She drank some water and practically passed out, poor thing. 

- As I was saying, he really cares about you. Who wouldn't want someone like that? - she said after reading the letter I received. 

- You will find one of these soon, there is a whole group of boys waiting for the chance of their lives to show you that - I replied with a smile while thinking of the right words to answer, everything had to be extremely perfect.  

Laughin 'at my sister 'cause she wants to form a harem

I'm just sayin ', if you really loved me, you would share him

Ha!

- Yes, but still, it is not enough - she replied pouting but then smiled as if an idea had crossed her mind - we shared everything, why not that too? - She completed folding the letter and I just laughed. 

- That's the only thing we can't share in this life and you're too jealous to share someone - I replied laughing even more at the expression she made. 

- I'm going to sleep, just don't take too long to answer this letter, ok? Tomorrow we will all go out together, in case your little head has forgotten - she gave me one last hug before leaving, but I noticed that the light in her room was on for a while longer.

 Many other things happened afterwards, but my hand is hurting and my ink is running out, so I'll leave the rest for later, ok? I promise don't keep you waiting to know what's happens next. See you tomorrow, dear diary. 

Harry Potter Masterlist

[collectsfallenstars]

Gravity: A Summary of the Development of Jeong TaeEul’s Feelings for Lee Gon in “The King: Eternal Monarch (Part 2 of 3)

EPISODE 5

Once she lands on the Kingdom of Corea and he gives her his name, Lee Gon, all bets were off.  All protests she had in her head had been silenced at the face of this new reality.  She now has to deal with this strange pull that she feels towards him.

It had been easy in the beginning to say she was doing it out of duty.  And when it became more than that, she could say it was pity because of what little she knows of his family history.  But now, she was there in Corea with him without any excuse. She was there for herself, she wanted to know this man.  And in this episode, she got to know him without even spending much time with him.  He wooed her, and won her over, with almost no effort on his part.

Now, let’s talk about the kiss. Because this episode will definitely be remembered as the one where Lee Gon kissed her. Kisses are important, yes.  It’s a sign of a more visceral nature, something material that can affirm the physical attraction that had always been there.  And she is aware that he’s attractive. It’s been overtly said numerous times in the first few episodes. And Jeong Tae-uel is very much aware of it. however, what is important to note though is what she told him before the kiss, when he rested his head on her shoulder in a seemingly romantic gesture.

“YOU’VE NEVER DATED BEFORE, RIGHT?

“YES, I HAVE.”

“SHOULD I GUESS WHEN?”

“GUESS.”

“NOW.”

I like how this works two ways and they reveal two layers of Jeong Tae-eul. This can first be understood as a challenge to Lee Gon, which is what he understood it as.  It is a direct challenge to his experience in dating.  She’s basically saying he’s absolutely clueless, an amateur to wooing girls.  She is not impressed. And that’s standard Jeong Tae-eul behavior—shooting down Lee Gon. However, underneath this bravado is a softer side of Jeong Tae-eul.  This is the slightly insecure woman who has now seen how far away she is as a commoner from the other world to the king of this world. So with this line, she’s also actually asking how many women he has been with, how many women has he treated this way, is she special enough, how might she fare against the ghost of those other women?

And the two-fold meaning of this line is what makes this scene so delicious, especially as Lee Gon took this moment to purposefully interpret her question in another way.  After taking it as a challenge, he kisses her in order to prove to her that yes, he does know what to do on a date, he knows how to kiss, has kissed before, but he actually evades her question by saying that he kissed her to declare to her that they are now dating. And yet, neither of them have ever clearly stated how one felt for the other. But with this kiss, and her being there voluntarily, they are both sure that something is there between them, something worth exploring and deepening -- otherwise, he wouldn’t have persisted in reaching through her emotional wall, and she wouldn’t be there in his kingdom, letting him in slowly.

Also, I would like to point out how much I like that she didn’t recoil from a kiss, which can sometimes be the norm in most k-dramas.  Those surprise kisses can sometimes be cringey, even if it’s meant to portray the innocence of the female character and the passion of the male character.  Jeong Tae-eul here is not a wilting little flower who can be shocked by a kiss and I am here for it.  Now, while she didn’t recoil, she also didn’t kiss back either.  And I am fine with that because she’s not exactly someone who is easily overcome with passion.  

You will see her reaction though, in a flashback of this moment in the next episode. And it’s only revealed much later how she reacted after that kiss. You see, he gave out telltale signs that he was going to kiss her by moving his hands up and around her face and angling his head towards her. He moved unhurriedly, not slow, not fast, unhurriedly.  And because it was a gentler kind of surprise kiss, you can see how she had time to prepare for it.  Her eyebrows moved up like she was confused that this was happening. And then you see her eyes focus on his lips. When their lips touched, you can see from her profile that her eyes had opened wide. She did not look in pain. She did not look like a kiss was forced upon her.  She looked like a woman who was kissed by someone she would accept a kiss from, but had no idea how badly he had wanted to kiss her just then. And when Lee Gon moved back to declare that they are now dating, Jeong Tae-eul’s face was the softest it could look while simultaneously being amazed at his audacity. And then she quickly changes the subject. I love Kim Goeun. That is all.

Okay, now that they’ve established that there’s a physical attraction there, it was time to put a little bit more substance into their relationship.  Kisses don’t make relationships after all.  In the following morning , JTE accompanied Lee Gon to some of his royal engagements, dressed as one of his security guards.

Seeing Lee Gon open a basketball tournament and give a lecture on math in a university made her realize how adored he was not just for his looks, but for the way he interacted with his people, and his intellect.  He wasn’t some crazed maniac prattling on about parallel universe.  She got to see him as the King he said he was and he was loved, he was magnetic.  

She walked around a country that looked beautiful, prosperous, peaceful and most of it was because of his leadership.  His country showed him to be a capable, powerful, and yet graceful man.  And for a strong, no nonsense woman like Jeong Tae-eul, all those traits were very attractive.  Strength respects strength after all.  But for her, who had to grow up fast because of an almost incapable father who would accept eggs as tuition fee, those traits would also mean that she can actually depend on Lee Gon.

Jeong Tae-eul is characterized as someone who is a very capable detective and skilled martial artist.  Lee Gon often says what an amazing woman she is while watching her work a case.  He looks at her almost like a savior.  In the next episode, we will see more of her history with Kang Sin-jae.  And he also looks at her like she was his savior. And she is. She did rescue him from living a thug life.  At one point, she even held things together at her father’s taekwondo studio.  Being a strong, independent woman is definitely a point of pride for her but at times, it can also be very exhausting.  And if she deems herself as strong, she needs someone equally as strong, if not stronger than her, before even considering to hold on to that person’s hand when she needs help.  Lee Gon was exactly that kind of person.

Another thing that possibly won her over was the fact that he didn’t drag her all over the place while he had to fulfill his duties. He gave her space, as strong people often need it. He let her go and explore on her own, but not without keeping her protected through Jo Yeong.  

And in perhaps, one of the sweetest gestures in the series, Lee Gon personally picked her up when she was stranded without a ride back to the Busan palace.  It was a gesture that was perfectly timed.  For Lee Gon, he had just finished all his duties for the day so it wasn’t much of a problem.  But for Jeong Tae-eul who had spent the entire day exploring his kingdom and being reminded at every turn how much he had accomplished, how great a king he is right down to a building sized poster of him.  All this greatness is bound to make her feel a little small, no matter how confident Jeong Tae-eul.  And so when he picked her up in such a grand fashion, as what a king does of course, ignoring protocol or risking being photographed together, it reminds her that Lee Gon will always be ready to shorten any kind of distance between them – whether it was king and commoner, or the infinite space between their two worlds.  

EPISODE 6

Lee Gon at this point is full on boyfriend mode, even without the labels.  He is openly declaring his feelings to those near him, even his enemies.  He let PM Koo see how he laughs in the presence of Jeong Tae-eul, which he has never done with her nor with anyone else in public.  And in his private plane, with two of his staff looking at them, he plays with her hands under the pretense of having a secret conversation, and also affirms to his secretary that Jeong Tae-eul is the woman he had been talking to her about.  Now while Lee Gon is there, enjoying the fact that he finally has Jeong Tae-eul by his side, she is on a different page even though she’s letting him get away with all is public displays of affection.

“I WAS TRAVELLING AROUND TODAY AND I REALIZED YOU MUST HAVE BEEN LONELY IN MY WORLD”

“WERE YOU LONELY HERE?”

“IT WAS FRUSTRATING TO NOT HAVE SOMETHING THAT COULD PROVE MY IDENTITY.  THATYS FOR COMING TO PICK ME UP.”

This scene marks a clear shift in Jeong Tae-eul’s perspective on Lee Gon. And true to her character, she communicates it properly and clearly. Having spent the entire day in an unfamiliar world, she gets to fully put herself in Lee Gon’s shoes when he first arrived in her world and it isn’t lost on her how horrible she was to him.  She was the one who had constantly doubted him at every turn when he was trying to prove who he was to her.  Once their places were switched, he gave her a wide berth, provided protection from afar, and only swooped in when she called for his help, instinctively knowing that this was what she needed to see things for herself.  He was kind to her, gentle, right down to this moment when he’s preparing dinner for her.  And instead of giving her a hard time about how mean she had been to him, he instead chose to focus on her loneliness while in his kingdom.  Her discomfort overrides any hardship he had experienced in her world.

Although this does reveal a humbled, softened Jeong Tae-eul, it does not necessarily mean that she’s jumping in with both feet into this thing with Lee Gon.  This total admission that she had been wrong to treat him so harshly while he was in her world and the thank you that followed almost feels like a goodbye.  Now that she has seen the truth, that Lee Gon is the King from the Kingdom of Corea, she’s also very much aware that she’s from the Republic of Korea. While their parallel worlds are real, one rule for parallel lines is that they will never, should never meet.

This is why she didn’t hug Lee Gon after he shared his history of betrayal at the hands of his uncle. This is why she keeps asking for her ID so she can go back to her world, and Lee Gon senses her instinct to pull away before she gets involved further with him.  Because that’s what she’s doing.  At this point, she knows this won’t end well for both of them.

That’s why she gave a resigned answer when Lee Gon said he was trying to make her jealous over a mystery woman he had prepared a meat dish for.

“I CAN’T BEAT THAT PERSON ANYWAY. WHOEVER IT IS, THAT PERSON MUST BE FROM THIS WORLD.”

She is trying to withdraw further and further away from him by saying this. I am not from your world. I am not fit for you.  But then Lee Gon chooses this moment to give her her ID card in order to drive home the fact that he doesn’t care about them belonging to different worlds.  Her ID card came to him at the most important part of his life and while it’s still an unsolved mystery for him, he seems to have taken it as fate at work.

“IT SEEMS LIKE A DIFFICULT QUESTION TO SOLVE, BUT THERE MUST BE A SIMPLE AND BEAUTIFUL FORMULA FOR IT.  AND YOU ARE THE ANSWER I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.  FROM NOW ON, I WILL PROVE IT ONE BY ONE.  WHOEVER IT IS, AND WHICHEVER WORLD THE PERSON IS FROM, YOU’VE BEAT THAT PERSON.”

And with this, he pulls her right back to him.  He is telling her that he refuses to let her go and downplay her importance in his life.  She is connected to, if not the reason, why he survived.  She is the reason why he is here in the first place and he swears to her that he will prove it and make her see for herself, the way he’s done before when she had doubted him.

“SO DON’T YOU DECIDE ALONE TO LEAVE LIKE THAT.”

When he tells her this, he essentially solidified them as a couple in the most base

sense of the word. Not the lovey-dovey boyfriend/girlfriend let’s go steady now feel.  They are together now, a couple, two people taken as one.  That’s why important decisions have to be made by the two of them together.  Although he knows he has the power to stop her from leaving him with just one command, he won’t do it.  Because they’re both adults and not a modern day representation of beauty and the beast.  There will also be no silent self sacrifice for the happiness of the other. There will be no fading away into the night, or disappearing forever into the other world. I mean, that’s good if you’re looking for melodrama.  But this couple isn’t after that.  They are surprisingly just a normal couple, but with unusual circumstances.  See, normal couples communicate properly. Whatever happens to them will be decided by them.  It is a fitting declaration of war against the laws of parallel universes just before he leads his country to a naval war with Japan.

And in the moments when they are alone in the room before she sets off for her world, she sees him in his navy uniform.  A picture of dignity and strength, traits that are attractive to Tae-eul, of course but he is also a picture of heavy responsibility.  And behind him looms his imperial robe, a symbol of the country he is responsible for.  And for Tae-eul, who had just been pulled back into this thing with Lee Gon, this sight was especially bittersweet.  This was the man she was with and he carried with him an entire country, across the universe.  He can’t just leave and go live with her in her world.

And yet, he persists to make it work somehow.

“I WILL COME BACK TO YOU. WILL YOU WAIT FOR ME?”

Jeong Tae-eul nods yes.  And when Jeong Tae-eul says something, she means it.  This time, she’s all in with this relationship.  And she’s never been the wishy washy type.

“I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, LEE GON.”

This was Jeong Tae-eul reaffirming his existence.  She believes him now, knows who he is now.  And also, by saying his name so boldly like this, she is stepping up and laying her claim on Lee Gon. She was saying, okay, you defied the laws of the universe and crossed over to my world to find me.  Now I’m going to defy the laws of your country and call you by your name, because only I can do that, because you’re mine now.

[mindthebulletso]

What?! No I'm not !! the only side I am in is that of my way of seeing the world, my conscience, my cynical character and experience. Because I am very selective and I have chosen people to follow. I don’t follow you because you are a Louie but because I consider you a smart girl, so seeing how easily many have fallen into this, imo, manipulation hurts me. For Louis above all else. Because I remember being one of the first in 2018 to speak openly about Sony Sabotage in HS2 favor and I perfectly remember what and how it was answered to me!!

Because I remember Why I looked for the Rads ....and how the world has turned upside down 🤣 Having moved away from Styles for other reasons, having taken a different approach before this perhaps affects my thoughts and reasonings but how can you not understand that you are doing exactly what Sony wants (regardless which Label we will discover has louis now) years of Larries VS Anties hasn't really opened your eyes? How is it possible? Have you ever noticed how many Louies (not larries) always write "team" and never "Sony" Have you ever noticed how full their accounts are with everything Harry does / doesn't do in real time? Twenty-five years of Kardashian (Hello Uncle Irving) did not help to understand StarSistem is based on chatter and not only on good things? They often update before Larries! if you want to know what happens in Harry Styles life follow a Louie. nice no? If you watch MV to "see how shabby it is" and then talk about it on social, however, you contribute to creating curiosity, chatter, comments, quarrels. If you always complain using Harry as a yardstick, you keep Louis in this funnel that L is crushed in one way or another. If you look back and you don't see how much 2015!Louis was tired and only blame Xander for that , thinking that he was happy for singing a bit more because Zayn was gone or for the water fights with Liam it is you who considers him half of a ship!! If you confuse his nostalgia and humility for lack of ambition or trust , you consider him half of a ship. If you love Louis and have decided that Harry is an active part of his sabotage why don't you get to completely ignore him, always, in the most absolute way after having clarified your position? And if you have decided this, how can you accept Niall and Liam, whom you consider his brothers do not take sides with him but rather, as soon as they can, they raise Star!Styles? Have you ever thought about how he can feel seeing that his fandom, while insulting Styles' new life, spends days asking for OneDirection!Louis? And the braces, and the hair, and the beanie, the headband, and the tank top .. he had to admit this is frustrating but nevertheless Louies continue and if you point it out the answer is "Old!Louis receives more likes " 😒

anyway let's go.. “Because I loved Styles anyway and I have a past with him” Ok. Let's start from here then. Azoff and Sony in 2013 begin to seriously plan H solo career. Azoff has a story, a very clear story, but you voluntarily ignored it at that time, only to blame Styles for choosing them (being chosen) now!! Like three silly kids Louis Niall and Liam until 2016 believe in an 18-month hiatus 😂 . Do you really think they are so naive? Seriously? Louis William Tomlinson who at 20 sees a hole in the writing process of the band and turns everything upside down does not understand what is the destiny designated? Among other things, the same for all boyband before 1D and info easily accessible on google But “he was in love "ok. But then you have to admit you start from the starting point that you now strongly reproach Larries. You have to admit you are living in Young & Beautiful Spin Off because instead I see a strong, smart, brilliant man, who for 10 years has been fighting tirelessly for his individuality. I think this passive Louis is the result of the FF you read because you are the first who make everything go around Styles, even before Sony. Someone stuffing your head saying Harry doesn't need Larries anymore. Are you Sure? Because business is brutal and Labels don't exist for your enjoy. They don't invest in you leaving you power. It is quite the opposite. The more you make money, the more you are a puppet. Just check the difference in numbers between H and Justin, Ariana, Selena, Ed, DuaLipa to understand what I mean!

the Direction taken is the right one, it is having a good success - well deserved - but, believe me, not enough to justify the investment made. And do you really think Azoff, manager since the barter still existed, evaluates the point of view of a 25-year-old who even made almost deny the first album? Who no longer took his mommy on holiday when Harries started complaining about her presence? Do you really think these guys signed contracts to their advantage (I'm not talking about money of course)? Do you really think Styles can say in Sony -I don't do this-? Based on what? Do you blame Harry for his ambition but do you really think he has alternatives? Especially in Sony that has no other icons of this generation? Someone make you believe Harry is loved by everyone but have you ever come out of the fandom bubble to read what so many locals write about him? don't you read how much hate he receives? Azoff arrives in 2013, from that moment on did you see his life change for the better? Less work, more attention to his health or did you see him arrive at the end of 2015 without voice? or do you think "better life" is going out with Taylor Swift and Kaya Gerber Because in that case you love the life Louis says he hates 😟 And considering the type of music he produced, do you think his 2021worldtour is to safeguard his voice and health? Really!? And how is it possible if Azoff loves Harry person and not Harry MoneyMachine? Do you really think Harry is so naive that he doesn't know this? Do you often notice how bad it is aging, How dull are his eyes.. Isn't this already an answer? And if you want to say "that's what he deserves" wow do you remember that you don't really know them and that they are only singers / strangers you love? They are not really your son? that you've never been to their room and their songs aren't a gossip magazine?

Same talk about Louis Fam. Louis Tomlinson openly lashes out against Euphoria chatting with his HetStalkerNumberOne creating more promo or against Zayn when he drops GY but is unable to tell his stepfather / sisters to stop using his life like that? Really? Or do you think he did this but Mark ignored that ? Everyone uses him but he, passively again, cannot do anything. Do you really think Louis is this? Why? Look Louies focused on commenting What Harry is doing in istagram? Look how much power they are giving this stupid thing? They put Harry at the center of Louis' life, they considered him Mrs L. Styles weak and closed in the suitcase with the only ambition to jump on his cock. why this daily need to highlight how disappointed you are with the person who has become? Are you more concerned that Harry cheated on Louis or that Harry cheated on you? Because if you think Louis has a new life why you don't go on too? The position is clear, why keep playing the Sony game? How do you think Louis feels when he sees his fandom has absorbed that his pubblic life has been closely linked to his girlfriend for years now? When you read that H's lunch with stringer was cruel and nobody mentions anymore three days later he was paps with El and the dogs? Just because The Sun canceled? What does it matter he had to undergo this, he had to get out of bed, go out and go to the pap (in 2020 only if you are 12 you can think that the paps are not scheduled) You can also think that there is a friendly relationship with E but why you accept that she is also present when a month later they go to GoKart? Why can't only Louis spend The first Christmas without Fizzy and Jay with his sisters? Why can't Louis alone participate in the B.L.M. march? We told ourselves that the cause was more important than the company and it is true. But important for whom? For us or for him that of B.L.M. did speak before everyone when it wasn't “trendy” ? Why doesn't even his fandom fight for his freedom? from everyone?! Why Do you think this imposition is healthy for him? Or do you think he chose this, because if you think this then all JLYMV was a joke for you and it's okay but I ask you, do you really believe that it is no longer hard for him suffer the presence of Eleanor than a Harry Styles SmileyNails ? Are we talking about what's harder for him or for you? Does Louis individual really care about anyone? Because my heart breaks to see how, even if it were reality, his pubblic life is linked to this girl as if she were the star! Everyone has a girlfriend but not even Kilye Jenner was so present in Travis Scott's career, private life. Why don't you rebel against this? Why "thank you Eleonor" ? Why is your selfishness more important than he has to live this actively? Why do you think it is easy for him after 10 years? Whatever your opinion about , Louis has not interacted publicly with Freddy since 2018. Why don't you get angry with Louies who do not care about this and clog social with his pics not respecting Louis' will? Why do you only get angry with a certain part of fandom and not with those who help a small group of people to spread this child's face wildly despite Louis not doing it? Why don't you ask yourself "louis does not do this, it is the case that I do it"? Who is your Louis landmark or the baby's family? Why is Louis never enough? Why don't you see Louis' individual freedom is not seized by Harry Styles but by Sony which is who should protect him from Azoff / Styles? If your answer is "Sony does not believe in him enough" I'm sorry I have news for you, you believe Louis tomlinson is not worth enough .. and while you continue this useless fight between Louies Larries Labels will continue to use Harry, Louis for their bank accounts and only for that laughing at us whatever the real personal situation between the two of which I honestly care zero but, as you can see, in one way or another it is still at the center of our attention and if Larries have the justification "I believe in them" what excuse do you have?

[she-is-tim]

P.S. I miss you | Elu Online friends AU | Ch.1

It’s been since a month now that Eliott started to talk to this interesting boy on instagram. They get along well and it’s just a safe place for him to go back to when things are getting too much in his life. But january is here and he’s about to start at his new school. What he doesn’t expect is to bump into the person he’s been texting with. Suddenly Eliott’s life going upside down as he both tries to approach and avoid Lucas at the same time. 

The New Student

Eliott got up from his bed, turning off the alarm he snoozed at least five times in the last ten minutes. He got used to sleeping in during the holidays and this morning he felt extra grumpy for needing to wake up early. New school, new people, on hist last year. Gotta be a real fun ride, huh? He yawned, running his fingers through his messy hair and walked to the bathroom, taking care of his morning needs, such as peeing, brushing teeth and washing his face. When he was done, he took off the old shirt and shorts he was using as pyjamas, putting on light blue jeans and a black shirt. Before getting into his hoodie and going to the kitchen for breakfast, maybe some coffee, he grabbed his phone, unplugging it from the charger and checked his instagram. There was one new message. He quickly opened it, not being aware of the wide smile that spread across his face.

lucallemant Uhg, I hate waking up early

srodulv You tell me?  New school and all, remember? 

lucallemant Fuck, really That sucks

srodulv Wish me luck

lucallemant Should I send kisses? 

srodulv Oh, being playful so early in the morning?  I love that 

lucallemant It’s the Eli affect for sure 

srodulv So I’m affecting you?  Good to know 

lucallemant Shut up  Weirdo 

srodulv This weirdo have to get ready for school Talk later? 

lucallemant Good luck ❤️

srodulv ❤️

He was still smiling like an idiot as he got to the kitchen, making himself some toast and reheating some coffee from yesterday. It wasn’t the most healthy breakfast, but he could get on with it at least. Before leaving he pocketed his phone, put on his favorite brown jacket and left the apartment with his bag on his shoulder. Suddenly he started feeling really nervous. Through the past month neither he or Lucas had many things to do, so they were texting (and flirting) back and forth basically all day, but now they are going to have classes, homework, studies. It made him feel anxious to think about that he can’t share things with him, because he will be busy. 

With a sudenly appeared lump in his throat, he got off the bus at the stop nearest to his new high school. He pulled up his hoodie both as a protection from cold and from the curious eyes. He put in his earphones, turning on some dubstep, making sure the volume is high enough for him to cover the possible whispers, but not too loud to hear if anyone tries to talk to him. 

He walked through the school gates, trying to blend into the other students that arrived the same time. Everyone is busy greeting each other after the long holiday break, so he has good chances of not being spotted as the new kid. He almost made it to the building, people around him went off to their own way, when a small group of guys were coming towards him. They were so busy talking about something, that they didn’t notice Eliott. One of them even bumped his shoulders into him, but he kept talking with so much passion that was unreal in such early hours. The tall boy was so intrigued by these guys, that he stopped, turning around to see them, but all he saw was him. 

He felt like someone pulled the ground from under him, letting him spin and fall in the endless pit. His stomach flipped, his heart skipped a beat, then started beating faster than a race horse. He couldn’t believe that it was Lucas, but he saw his photos on instagram so many times that he could pinpoint him in the biggest crowd anytime. He was even more beautiful in person, his hair seemed soft, bouncing up and down as he walked. His smile was brighter than the sun. The only thing that surprised Eliott was his height, he was so tiny.

He looked down, then back up again, realizing that Lucas and his friends disappeared from his sight already. He swallowed the lump in his throat, continuing his way to the principal’s office. He had to get some things done before starting his classes. Deep inside he was fighting a battle with himself, incapable of forgetting his accidental meeting with his online friend... crush actually.

He was on lunch break, spending it outside on a bench, munching on his cold cheese toast and drinking orange juice. He could only start eating at the cafeteria tomorrow, so he had to bring food with himself from home, which was a bad idea, considering how bad of a cook he was. Suddenly his meal seemed even less intriguing when his phone buzzed, letting him know that he got a new notification. 

lucallemant So, how’s the new school?  I’m bored out of my mind 

srodulv It’s okay so far Eating cold cheesetoast  Delicious~

lucallemant Eugh! That’s disgusting Why aren’t you eating in the cafeteria? 

srodulv No tickets, only tomorrow

lucallemant I’m eating some weird looking pasta It doesn’t taste as bad as it looks like though

srodulv Well, I’m just gonna bury my sadness into my cheesetoast then 

lucallemant You are being unnecessarily dramatic

srodulv I’m craving for your attention 

lucallemant Yeah, right Dramatic

srodulv I like to label myself as romantic

lucallemant Sure, whatever Gotta go, the boys are bugging me for texting so much

srodulv Talk later then  ❤️

lucallemant Talk later  ❤️

Eliott sighed, pocketing his phone with a silly smile. He couldn’t remember when they started to use hearts when they said goodbye to each other, but since then both of them are doing it and it’s just so wholesome. It makes his heart flutter everytime. He was so in depth with his thoughts that he didn’t notice the girl standing in front of him, hands on her waist, so he startles when she says hi. He looks up and his face falls. Imane, wearing a nice headband over her braided locks, makeup is on point like always, her eyes piercing like a sharp knife. He swallows.

“Hey!” that’s all he can force out. He’s supposed to be the older one, but who the hell could be brave when someone is looking at them with such a mad expression. He knew Imane wasn’t a bad person, but she still had a tough personality, which won her the respect from Eliott. 

“Didn’t know you are going to my school.” she said it so casualy, like he was owing her any explanations to which school he attends to.

“This is my first day.” he shrugged. “Didn’t the boys tell you that I’m changing schools?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Idriss usually shared every little thing with Imane, but probably he just forgot to mention this, since both him and Sofiane already graduated last year, there weren’t much talk about school between the three boys. 

“No.” she shook her head, expression easing a little now. “Problems in the other school?” he asked with so much understanding that it basically hurt Eliott. She knew exactly how it feels like to be different from others, wanting to break out of your previous life and start things over. He smiled at her softly.

“Something like that.” he admitted, trying to brush off the question. It was for the best if no one knows about his bipolarity in the new school. He was already grateful that neither Idriss or Sofiane shared that information with the girl. It was his private secret and he didn’t wanted anyone to pity him or think that he’s crazy. Especially not Lucas. 

“I see.” she nodded, not pushing forward the topic, which Eliott was forever grateful for. “We will have this thing.” she said, giving him a little piece of paper, well put together leaflet that was advertising some common room meeting. The boy raised his eyebrows in quiestion. “My friend is really excited about this, she wants to bring something new to the school, a place were people can meet up, talk and get to know each other.” she explained with a soft smile that made her look even more beautiful. “Can you come? We need people to be there, so she can go on with this project.” 

“Yeah, sure.” he said and shrugged, putting the paper in the pocket of his jeans. “It might be even useful for me, since I know noone here.” he said smirking, trying not to remember how big of a lie that was. He knew someone, and he knew him really well. 

“Cool, see you there then.” she said with a victorious smirk and walked away, probably back to her friends. Eliott sighed, throwing the rest of his toast and his empty juice box into the trash, walking back inside to his next class. 

The week passed by pretty calmly, Eliott decided to just avoid Lucas at school, which wasn’t hard since they weren’t in the same year. Also the short boy had no idea how Eliott looks like, neither he knew his full name. He once sent him a picture of his pet snake, Nagini wrapped around his neck, but he made sure his face is not showing on the photo. Oh yes, Eliott had a fucking snake as a pet, named him after the snake of Voldemort and loves him more than anything. He is that kind of nerd. Obviously he managed to freak Lucas out with that fact, but he only needed a week to get over it and now he sometimes just casualy asks how Nagi is doing, which makes Eliott’s heart melt each time.  

By friday he was kinda comfortable in his new school, even made friends with a cool guy called Alex. He was super chill, super nice and vegetarian. Eliott sadly couldn’t live without meat in his life, but he had huge respect for those who chose that path voluntarily. He was a bit disappointed when Alex said that he’s not going to the common room, because he knew just enough people and he also had basketball practice too. So accepting his fate, Eliott made his way to the place.

As he walked inside with a hopeful smile on his face, he noticed that he was probably a few minutes late, since the girls at the front were already talking. Thankfully the door was wide open so he didn’t got anyone’s attention by coming in and sat down to the closest chair he found. He catched a disapproving look from Imane, but she also had a smug smile on her face. He smirked back at her and for some reason he looked through the crowd. A lot of people came, which was really nice, since the blonde girl, Daphné if he remembered correctly seemed happy. She was probably the one initiating this whole thing.

His eyes almost wandered back to the girls in front of the group, when he caught a pair of blue irises staring at him. He felt like time froze right then and there as he stared back at Lucas. His heart was thumping in his ears, making him impossible to hear anything that is being said by the girls. He watched the boy swallow and turning back to his friends as they snapped him back to reality. Eliott was never so grateful for anything in his life, but he felt like if the boy would be staring just a few seconds longer at him, he would just launch himself at him, kissing the living hell out of those cherry lips. 

He tried to focus now on what Daphné was saying, she gave surveys to the ones in the front to spread it to everyone. Eliott was glad he was sitting far from Lucas, so they wouldn’t get in contact as the students passed papers and pens around. He grabbed a pen and a survey, then giving the pack to the next person. It was hard to pay attention to the quiestions when he kept hearing Lucas and his friends whispering. Hearing his voice made things much harder. Not like he didn’t hear it before, but only in videos and insta stories as he was goofing around with friends. This was different. His heart skipped a beat when he heard him laughing. He had to get out as quick as possible. 

The meeting took much longer than he expected it to, Daphné was a really talkative person and Eliott didn’t had the guts to leave in the middle. He was sure that Imane would cut off his balls the next time she sees him, so he stayed, trying to close Lucas out of his head, but it was an impossible task, since he kept glancing at Eliott from time to time. For fucks sake, Lucas, focus on what your friend says! 

He made his way to the bus stop as fast as possible, hoping that he doesn’t have to wait too long. When he arrived, he realized how hungry he was, so he stepped to the vending machine that was standing there behind the stop like an angelic blessing for his growling stomach. He looked through all the snacks inside, lifting his right hand to his mouth, running his fingers over his lips as he tried to consider which one would be the best choice. After some minutes he heard footsteps too close to him to be just one of the passing by people. He looked to his side and almost got a heart attack when he saw Lucas standing there, having a soft smile on his face. 

“Oh, fuck! I didn’t notice you there.” he stuttered, much more calmly than he was actually feeling. “I just don’t know what to get.” he explained himself, feeling like a complete idiot that he couldn’t just buy something and leave. 

“The 24 one isn’t that bad.” Lucas said and fuck if his voice wasn’t the smoothest thing he ever heard in his life. Also that fucking scarf wrapped around him like three times, consuming half of his face. When Lucas cocked an eyebrow up, that’s when he noticed that he was just staring silently, so he quickly started to look for the coins in his pocket, but managing to drop half of them as he pulled his hand out. He cursed under his breath and leant down to pick them up, but halfway his head knocked into Lucas, both of them stumbling back in surprise, pressing their palms on their foreheads. 

“Woah, I’m sorry.” Eliott mumbled, being terrified of what the short boy is thinking about him now. He used to be so fucking confident as they were texting, why he had to be such a clumsy idiot right now? 

“I wasn’t expecting that for sure.” Lucas replied, a soft giggle leaving his mouth, making Eliott’s heart skip a beat. Yepp, he definitely has a crush on this boy.

“Let me buy you something as an apology.” he mumbled quickly as he knelt down to pick up the coins he dropped, this time without knocking his head to Lucas’. As he straightened up, he catched those ocean blue eyes, seeing something special in them, a playful spark maybe? He swallowed and turned to the machine.

“Sure, get me one of those chocolate bars.” he nodded his head towards the machine. Eliott just nodded and started putting coins into the little hole, pushing the right buttons, then doing it for the second time. He took a deep breath, taking the chocolates out and turning to the short boy, handing him one. 

“Here.” he said softly, trying not to drop it or do anything stupid again, making even a bigger fool of himself. 

“Thanks.” Lucas said smiling and took the chocolate. Eliott was expecting him to eat it there, but he instead pocketed it and puled out something from his jacket. When he noticed what it was, he stared at him in disbelief. “Wanna share a joint?” he asked smirking, raising his eyebrows in a challenge. The fuck is this supposed to be, Lucas? He screamed inside his head.

“Sure.” he shrugged, sounding much more uninterested than he actually was. They walked back to the bus stop, sitting down to the cold steel seats, not exactly next to each other because no homo and all. 

Lucas lit the joint, taking a long drag from it and then handing it to the tall boy while blowing out the smoke. Eliott was just a little starstruck by that, but he took the cigarette, placing between his lips, inhaling the stuff. He wasn’t able to smoke since a while now, considering that both Idriss and Sofiane made sure that he has no access to blunts at parties. 

“Are you new?” Lucas asked after long minutes of silent smoking. The weed was kicking in, making Eliott relaxed and much more calm. His heart wasn’t racing anymore and his thoughts were too fuzzy to overthink this situation, he was just enjoying it. 

“Yeah, I just arrived.” he responded, handing the joint back to the short boy. “Third year, Literature.” that wasn’t necessary to share, but he still wanted Lucas to know. They never talked about school that much for him to realize that his new guy is actually the Eli he is texting with since a month now. 

“Five months before Bac?” he raised an eyebrow. “Isn’t that a bit weird?” he asked and every little part of Eliott wanted to scream, because Lucas is so fucking obsessed with the word “weird” that it’s ridiculous. 

“Are you trying to say that I’m weird?” he asked on a playful tone and he watched as the boy’s face falls, trying to explain himself, when a girl appeared from nowhere, jumping in front of him.

“Hey! How are you?” she asked with way too much enthusiasm than Eliott could endure. She was pretty though, long brown hair tied up, soft face, beautiful smile. Anything a teenager boy could wish for. 

“I’m fine. And you?” Lucas didn’t really sound interested as he was speaking, but the girl seemed to not notice that. What she noticed was the joint in the short boy’s hand, she beamed and her smile grew bigger. “Can I?” she asked and Lucas just shrugged, handing her the joint. She sat down right between the boys, taking a drag from the cigarette, focusing her vision only on Lucas, which started to annoy Eliott. 

“That meeting was nice, right?” she asked, trying to initiate a conversation between them. 

“Yeah, it was okay.” the short boy answered, taking back his joint from her.

“The survey was a great idea too.” she added and Eliott couldn’t hold himself back now, he had to say something. He leant forward, to be close to this girl that was getting on his nerves.

“I think it was weird.” he said, startling her with his sudden pesence, but she looked at him with that annoyingly bright smile. 

“How rude of me, I didn’t even introduce myself.” she said on a happy tone, reaching out her hand. “I’m Chloé.” she chimed and the tall boy had no choice but to accept her hand and shake it. 

“Eliott.” he said smiling a little, catching the glance of Lucas, who had all his attention on him instead of this pretty girl. He felt satisfied with that. “I’m Eliott.” he repeated, this time addressing it directly to Lucas who shot him a smile. 

“I’m Lucas.” 

Then an awkward silence fell on them, just passing around the joint quietly. When the bus arrived, Eliott got up and said goodbye to the two, mostly focusing on Lucas. He had a soft smile on his face which made the tall boy’s heart flutter in his chest. During the whole ride home he was smiling like a fucking idiot and not just because he was high. He was almost at his stop when his phone was buzzing. He pulled it out of his pocket and was surprised that it was a message from Lucas.

lucallemant Today was so busy Sorry for not texting you all day

srodulv No worries I also had a busy day

lucallemant Done with the first week though How was it? 

srodulv Not too bad I made some friends

lucallemant Shit, that’s awesome I’m happy for you 

Eliott couldn’t answer immediately, because he had to get off the bus and walk home. His phone was basically burning in his pocket, begging him to grab it and answer Lucas. As he walked into the flat, throwing his jacket on the hanger by the door, he went to his room to make sure Nagi is alright. He was rolled up in the corner of his terrarium, probably sleeping. After that he walked back to the living room, throwing himself on the couch and taking his phone into his hands. He got another message from Lucas.

lucallemant I actually met someone today

His heart skipped a beat and his hands started to sweat. What was he supposed to answer that? Yeah, I know, because that person is me? That is so fucking stupid. He should be honest with Lucas, they were always honest with each other. He knew about the bad mental state of the boy’s mother and Eliott hinted a couple times in their conversations that he also has some mental issues, not wording out that he’s bipolar, but he knew that Lucas put the pieces together. 

srodulv Oh yeah?  Already ditching me for someone else? 

lucallemant Hahaha I would never ditch my favorite stalker

srodulv You have multiple stalkers now?  What else I don’t know? 

lucallemant Oh shut up

srodulv ❤️

lucallemant I hate you 

srodulv No, you don’t 

lucallemant  You got some serious confidence, huh? 

srodulv I just know you  And I know that you can’t resist my intense charm 

lucallemant What charm? 

srodulv Ouch, my heart  That was mean, Lulu

lucallemant So, how is Nagini doing? 

Eliott smirked at his phone. This little shit often used stupid questions like this to avoid continuing a coversation. 

srodulv He’s sleeping

lucallemant  Good then 

srodulv So, you menationed that you met someone today

lucallemant Yeah, nothing special though He seems like a cool dude, but he might be weirder than you 

srodulv Is that even possible? 

His face was hurting from all the smiling, but he couldn’t stop. It was so sweet that Lucas was talking about him, while he had no idea that it was Eliott he met with. 

lucallemant Guess it is

srodulv Maybe you’re attracting weird people 

lucallemant  Thinking about my friends, that must be true

srodulv Still, I’m your favorite weirdo, right? 

lucallemant Of course  ❤️  You are weirdest weirdo I know 

srodulv That is so touching You are my favorite hedgehog too 

lucallemant  Like you have any other hedgehogs 

srodulv Oh, someone seems jealous I can reassure you that my heart only belongs to you  ❤️

lucallemant If only I could roll a joint with it... 

srodulv Every rejection is making my feelings stronger  Just so you know

lucallemant Shut up and go to sleep already

srodulv How mean We barely talked today and you want me to leave? 

lucallemant I just know that if you don’t go to sleep right now, we will be up until 3am talking about the global warming or shit 

srodulv That’s actually an interesting topic...

lucallemant Shower and bed, Eli Shower and bed

srodulv Only if you could join me

lucallemant I believe that you can fix that with some imagination 

Eliott had to take a deep breath after reading that last message. Lucas was always more flirty when he was drunk or high, he realized this just a few weeks ago. Lucas went out a party on saturday, just something organized by one of his friends to celebrate the last days of the holidays. He sent some messages while being at the party, but after it when he was totally high, he kept bombing Eliott with sweet, but for him probably really awkward text. He even asked for a dick pic. Eliott laughed his ass off that night and the next morning too when Lucas was apologizing rapidly. 

He sighed, trying to focus his attention back on his phone, but his mind started to wander off to his meeting with Lucas. He couldn’t get it out of his head how the boy looked at him in the common room. That was the very first time he saw Eliott, not knowing who he was and still there was some strange connection between them in that exact moment. He knew that Lucas felt it just like him. He quickly shook his head, looking back at his phone, typing a reply.

srodulv Good night then, Lulu  ❤️

lucallemant Good night  ❤️

Okay guys, hit me up with your opinions on this new story. Do you like it? There will be a lot of texts, lots of flirting and disaster Eliott! I was so fucking excited that I finished this chapter within a day, don’t blame me, I was waiting to write this story since days now. Bisou 

[calleo-bricriu]

Business as Usual.

(( This was some Discord RP and conversation with @directoryandle & Calleo that I decided to clean up months later.

Most of the RP that lead to it took place off of Tumblr as well but the gist of it comes down to:

1. Calleo did, as he usually does by virture of the kind of magic he works with, end up attracting attention he didn't want in the form of  @absintheabsence ‘s Grindelwald.

2. He avoided most of it for the better part of a decade by either refusing to see anyone that was sent to try and convince him to go willingly using his, "Get on my calendar, which is packed full for the foreseeable future" deflection method, not answering owls, or occasionally answering the more interesting owls that might have come wrapped in complicated spell work with what can be most succinctly described as, "Thanks, that was fun! But, also, still not interested."

3. Eventually, the grandfather on his mother's side, who is an amazing person that helped design and at least begin execution of a couple of different genocide plans, was sent to talk to Calleo's mother who would then (it was assumed) talk to Calleo, which didn't work out well as she interpreted it as a threat toward her only kid and cut contact.

4. By that point, it was late 1939, and there was a shift in tactics requesting one of the Ministry's archivists visit for Perfectly Benign Work Related Reasons, nobody else in their right mind wanted to set foot anywhere near continental Europe, Calleo drew the short straw in the department, and was told to "just go and get it over with, they're not going to kill you."

5. They didn't kill him, but it was clearly one of those things that was planned out well enough that they'd been banking on the Department of Mysteries making Calleo go and he was pretty quickly snapped up and thrown into a cell in Nurmengard to sit for a few days while the building temporarily stripped him of the ability to use magic to make sure he couldn't fight back in a way that might have been dangerous to anyone.

6. And he was given two ultimatums by @absintheabsence  after he decided he was done fucking Calleo up enough over the whole 10+ years of daring to not be super interested and eager to jump ship--and also over a lot of really terrible puns and Calleo still being more than happy to still run his mouth because if you’re probably going to die anyway you might as well:

#1. Stay, and everything will be nice or be let go and have everyone who might have meant anything to him be targeted in retribution for the rudeness of not being impressed enough to want to voluntarily stay. Possibly safe to say that Grindelwald had no concept of what the word "voluntarily" meant but, there you go.

AND

#2. Be a glorified, but typically caged, house pet more or less, or go back and spend the next however long it takes you to die down there sitting in one of the prisoner cells that keeps you from using magic and is staffed by people who have no business being in charge of other people.

He chose the "stay 'voluntarily' as a glorified house pet" option with the negotiated aspect of, "Fine, but you have to make it look like a kidnapping so I can go back to work at the Ministry later," (which was accepted because, of course, Grindelwald was of the opinion that there was no conceivable way he could lose the war) and spent the next five or so years confined to one of about three rooms in the Not Prison areas of Nurmengard.

By 1945, it was "later". Once occupying forces had both decided to check the towers to see if anyone was up there and verified he was who he said he was (which was, above all else, “property of the Department of Mysteries”; nobody typically wants to keep the Department of Mysteries from getting its stolen things back in a timely manner), got what amounted to, "Either go to his office and get my card deck and runes out of the top right drawer or let me go and get them, then I'm going back to London", got his two things back, and...went immediately back to work. ))

Calleo briefly paused after stepping out of the lift, mostly out of amazement that it was working properly and not broken down again; a quick glance at the magic still--not quite humming, but not exactly falling to pieces just yet--going around them told him they'd been recently propped back up in a way that clearly stated it hadn't been Maintenance's work.

Director must have done it at some point in the recent past.

The three offices directly off of the lift, Calleo noticed, were still empty and looked to have been empty since he'd left. Even before he'd left, they'd been empty since mid-1926.  Trying to get the Director to either hire three new people or let him do it had been a losing, uphill battle as the Director's main focus had been keeping attention off of the Archvies due to the political climate and hiring anyone would have swiveled attention down that way.

He figured he'd find out just how far behind the department had fallen sooner rather than later as it'd likely be one of the first few things the Director would say to him.

He also wasn't about to stop in to the Director's office for a chat as chances were the answer the Director would have about how far behind the department was would have the word 'years' tacked on behind the number so Calleo opted for the same, deadpan, automatic, "'Morning, Director," he'd been using since 1912, kept walking, and settled back at his desk to figure out what (if anything) had been left just sitting there for the last five years and what was inexplicably newer.

Wouldn't have been the first time Director Yandle had either simply left old work there for Calleo or dropped something newer off, assuming he'd be in eventually.

Director Yandle heard the lift doors open and shut and didn't think all that much of it at first. People did still come down to the Archives, after all. Not often, but they did still come down now and again. For the most part, it was nearly always someone from Magical Law Enforcement wanting him to look up some tidbit of information here and there, but nothing that took too much of his time.

This morning, however, his routine of quiet was shattered by the old routine of anything but quiet starting up again.

If he'd been anyone else, Calleo might have had someone apparate directly into his office if only out of complete and utter surprise that he'd just--turned back up without any explanation after having been gone for half a decade without any explanation.

The Director had a better grip on himself and despite that being his first inclination, he instead finished the paperwork he'd been working on, sent it off, and very calmly stood and walked into Calleo's office, stopping directly in front of his Archivist's desk.

He gave Calleo a good minute to stop what he was doing and acknowledge that someone else was there and when that didn't happen, the Director laid his hands on the desk and leaned partway across it, and spoke.

"Where the HELL have you been?" That wasn't strictly what he'd meant to say, and he surprised himself with how venomous it came out. He had meant to ask where Calleo had been just...not quite that aggressively.

"Up a tower."

Calleo had noticed that Director Yandle had entered the room and that he was standing on the other side of the desk; he was also not necessarily in the mood for conversation, especially conversation liable to spin him off on an entire rant about where he'd been and what he'd been doing for the last few years.

While he hadn't been doing anything horrible or even questionable, and couldn't even say that it had been all that unpleasant. Still, it was something he'd done because non-compliance would have made everything markedly worse and it certainly wasn't something he wanted to chat with his department director about.

The noise Calleo received as a response could best be described as derisive disbelief with the repeating of what he'd just said confirming it. Up a tower indeed; what kind of answer was that? He'd been gone for years! The only things that might have spent years "up a tower" were bats and pigeons and Calleo was neither of those things as far as the Director was aware.

"You can't possibly expect me to believe you've spent five years in a tower somewhere! Why didn't you just leave?"

"The door was locked from the outside." Calleo shrugged matter-of-factly.

"And not one hundred percent of the time, no," the first part of his response was more a sigh than words, "but it was where I spent the majority of my time. In that regard, I do expect you to believe it."

"You ought to be grateful I know what year it is as anyone else walking into this office and looking at the papers on my desk might assume time stopped in--" Calleo paused briefly to leaf through the papers, "--early autumn of 1939, which I'm certain," he purposely did not miss smacking Director Yandle's hands with a rolled up copy of that morning's Daily Prophet, with the date showing the year to be 1945 facing up, "it did not."

"It's been five years. You've been gone for five years without a single word!" Director Yandle snatched his hands back after having them swatted, not at all under the impression that it had been done accidentally, and idly rubbed the back of one of them.

"Yes, and that's largely your fault, isn't it?" Calleo still hadn't looked up from what he was working on, a fact that both did not escape the Director and did nothing to de-escalate the building argument. Also not helping to de-escalate anything was the fact that Calleo's rhetorical question was spat back at Director Yandle with the same venom as the Director's initial greeting of Calleo contained.

"You are, after all, the one who decided granting that request was a good idea. If you'd had a bit more sense, you'd have ignored it the same way I ignored it for over a decade; I'll be expecting back pay, including weekends and holidays, as an aside," he continued as a long overdue piece of paperwork folded itself and flew out of the room to finally be delivered, "since I was technically sent 'on Ministry business' on your orders."

In an instant, the Director was on the other side of the desk and Calleo had found his chair (with him in it) whipped around to face the other Wizard. Calleo had managed to move his arms out of the way before Director Yandle could pin them against the chair arms when his own hands slammed down onto them and it didn't help matters at all that Calleo casually reached over one of the Director's arms to pick up the paperwork he'd been reading to continue reading it.

When his idiot subordinate didn't have the courtesy to put the paperwork down, Director Yandle snatched it out of his hands and threw it back onto the desk while, in the same motion, grabbing Calleo's jaw to force the other man to look at him.

It struck the Director that the look he initially received from Calleo reminded him more of a teenager annoyed at being lectured for having missed curfew than it did of a Wizard only a few months shy of sixty who had (allegedly) been what would have technically amounted to a prisoner of war at this point.

Still, Calleo didn't make any move to pull away and instead only slipped a hand up between himself and Director Yandle to remove his glasses, after which he simply sat there and waited for the Director to finish looking for whatever it was he was looking for in his mind.

"The next time one of these Dark Lords pops up, Calleo," slowly the grip he had on Calleo released, and he was now leaning on the chair arms again and passively watching, "do both of us a favour and just keep your head down."

"And how is it you imagined I survived this one?" Calleo's mostly neutral expression split into a sharp grin as Director Yandle drew back from the statement alone, allowing Calleo to turn back toward his desk and pick up the paperwork that had been rudely all but smacked from his hands a few minutes prior.

For what seemed much longer than only a few seconds, the Director stood there trying to decide whether or not he wanted to think too much about the answer to that question and eventually decided that he absolutely did not. He did, however, fish a book of matches with a particularly clever illustration of a cat and some pun he couldn't seem to fully recall offhand out of one of his pockets.

The book of matches he dropped directly in front of Calleo before Director Yandle turned to head back to his own office, "Light yourself back up and get to work; we're three years behind."

A few minutes later, through the thin wall separating his office from the Director's came muffled-by-a-layer-of-books-on-each-side, "Good morning to you as well."

[tarithenurse]

On my mind, in my soul - 10

Prompt:  (Anon) “Natural” by Imagine Dragons, Asgard, Loki’s helmet. Pairing: Loki x Burglar!reader. Content: Swearing as usual (I think), angsting, pining, worrying due to illness, arguing, fluffing (Yes! You read that right: FLUFF.). A/N:  Please feel free to reblog if you liked it <3 Or comment! Thanks to all of those who’ve been waiting patiently through the last while of scheming, but hey...now I’ve got a few chapters lying ready. 

Patience

It’s annoyingly difficult to stalk with rage in each step when you’re still weak from having been poisoned. If you could have, however, then the footsteps would have been sharp against the stones on the way through the palace. As it is, you’re using every ounce of energy simply to keep up with the two royal men and the surrounding guards.

At least you pay attention to the route. Valhalla’s grand, filled with numerous chambers, halls, and stairs that would make it easy to get lost. You’ve got a method which always has helped you memorize a new place…just in case you’ll need to navigate through the building alone and possibly while being chased. Occupational hazard. Admittedly, if you had to run now, you probably wouldn’t move quickly at all.

Maybe Thor notices your physical discomfort. Maybe he’s simply as curious as the electric-blue eyes shimmering at you leads to think. Slowing his steps, he falls back to walk by your side and even offers an impressively muscular arm to lean on which you take after a brief hesitation. If he’d hurt me, then he’d already have done so.

With his support, you manage to descend several levels, leaving the light of day behind in favour of brazier-fueled shadows that jump and dance when people pass. Down past heavily locked and guarded doors to a room that seems a hybrid between a fancy gallery and old dungeons. Invisible walls shimmer with fragmented lines of gold, somehow containing the bright illumination as if the wall were solid concrete. Descending a number of steps brings the contents of the two first “rooms” in view. One on either side, and each with what must constitute for prisoners here in Asgard.

“Why’re we here?” you demand, unafraid of which etiquettes you’re breaking.

Not bothering to pause or look back, Odin leaves it up to his son to answer. “You recall the warning Loki was given? That the donation of his blood could cause him his life?”

“…yeeah?” Gods…no. Not that. Please don’t…

“He seemed to think it was a price worth paying as he otherwise would be at the mercy of Odin due to having entered the realm uninvited.” His eyes dance around, landing on the cells and the floor…anywhere but you before he points to a cell a few yards up ahead. “He will not escape the punishment for his transgressions.”

Shoving ahead of the group, you stumble to the raised area of the cell, catching yourself on the barrier as you stumble over the ledge. You’re faintly aware of mixed reactions behind you, but it doesn’t matter because all you see is a room where ice spreads from a single, blue figure lying on a bed. Loki. The effect of his natural form is raging unchecked and it should frighten you…perhaps. All it does is turn fear to joy. He’s alive.

“Loki!” Your yell only stirs a few snowflakes that are gliding through the air on the other side of the barrier. “Loki!”

A heavy but gentle hand latches on to your shoulder and isn’t shaken off. “Lady [Y/N], he cannot hear you. He’s beyond reach,” Odin explains gently.

“Then let me in there so he can hear me!”

“It is not due to any barrier of our world.” Turning you, an old eye scans your face. “He may be alive…but the procedure took its toll.”

The words click fast enough, but the king’s choice is beyond your grasp. “Then why’s here in there? Send him to a hospital!” How can he be so cruel?

“He is being treated by our healers, Midgardian. However, this is the safest place to keep him until his powers are under control once more.”

That…kinda makes sense. Looking over your shoulder, only a magical veil obstructs the view to the unconscious Loki. A blanket’s spread over him but it doesn’t quite cover the tall frame so blue shoulders are left exposed save for where a few tendrils of black hair reaches. You could look at him all day. Will him to wake up.

In this house of mine? Nothing ever comes without a consequence or cost, tell me

…

It had been a surprise when the king wanted you to stay as long as was needed, even more so when he hadn’t objected when Thor recommended you were moved to another room. You didn’t care much even if it was a veritable suite with perfect view and lavish furniture, preferring instead to spend as much time as you could by the cell. The guards had gotten used to you, greeting you with smiles when you arrived and if there’d been any changes in Loki’s status then they’d undoubtedly let you know. There just wasn’t.

The last rays of sun are slipping past a layer of clouds, finally bringing some warmth into the room. If you would pay any attention, then you could marvel at the amber gleam of the wood, or the many shimmering hues of green woven into the drapes at either side of the wide windows and balcony doors. Instead you’re staring into one of the many books this room contains without actually seeing the page or what’s written on it. It’s the knocking on the door that brings you back to the present.

“Enter.”

It’s probably yet another servant. Of all the differences you’re getting accustomed to here on Asgard, it’s the staff that are making you feel the most out of place, especially because they all seem to find you more adorable than actually special. Sure, they’re perfectly polite. They just happen to talk to you as though you were a child.

“Lady [Y/N],” the deep rumble belongs to the only prince capable of walking the castle freely, “may I keep you company for a while?”

You can hardly refuse and soon Thor has dragged over another gigantic chair next to the one you sit in and set down a flask and two goblets. Watching bemused, you mentally note the difference of liquid he pours into the goblets but choose not to comment as he passes you the one with the least in. A careful sniff clears your sinuses instantaneously, but the honeyed scent is too good to resist for long, so you accept the quiet toast. Holy fuck! The alcohol burns sweet and strong, triggering all the right taste buds.

“You may want to drink with caution,” Thor warns as you down the remaining mouthful, “Midgardians are more…susceptible to our liquors.”

“Oh. Okay.” You’ve barely placed the goblet on the table before you feel the slight buzz which normally would require a lot more to drink.

Silence reigns. Oppressing. Loaded with unspoken thoughts, most of which (at least on your behalf) are related to Loki and his situation. So, he’s a stalker with a conscience…big deal. Still, there’s no way you can pretend the flutter in your stomach doesn’t appear each time you think of being near him (in a more conscious state), or the paralyzing dread by the idea that Loki might not survive. Even the thought of him being stuck in a prison cell while you’re free to live your life somehow seems unbearable. I don’t owe him! He chose to save…save me oh crap. Not only had he saved you, he’d even tried to warn you. And he’d confided in you.

“Why did Loki attack New York?”

Shifting in his seat, Thor thinks for a while before answering. “I shouldn’t tell anyone this…but I’m willing to do an exception in your case...” A sip from the goblet buys him more time. “The full tale is much longer…but there had been certain…event.” Grabbing the flask, both cups are given a generous refill. “My brother was distraught, acting out of despair and spite…sorrow…” A drink is shared, renewing the buzz in your head. “He left us and fell into the hands of a very evil being who…broke him…”

“A titan.” Your comment makes Thor eye you with surprise. “Loki told me a gruesome story full of torture and brainwashing…I guess I kinda hoped it’d been a lie.”

“You would rather see him commit those crime voluntarily?”

“Of course not! I just don’t want him to…to…”

“Trust you?” You shrug at the suggestion. “[Y/N]…I do not claim to understand the nature of the relationship between my brother and you. But I know he’s good at heart, and that circumstances beyond his control have forced him to build a façade, to keep people at an arms length.”  

…

There’s so much you want to know, but you don’t know how to and the liquor’s beginning to cloud your brain. It’s not until Thor’s about to leave and offhandedly remarks whom the room belonged to, that your mind jumps back into action.

“I used to sneak in here at night, as a little boy, if I couldn’t sleep,” the god smiles, “often Loki would be awake too and we’d play until we ended up being too noisy and the maid or mother would hear us.” A shimmer of bittersweet joy is visible in the rugged face, but it’s soon gone and Thor bids you goodnight.

Loki’s room. Leaning against the closed door, you take in the place, noticing the colour scheme and items reflecting the interests Loki still entertain on Earth. All the books (or at least those you’ve been able to decipher) cover a range of subjects and genres, forming a perfect foundation for someone who wishes to be well-spoken…even silver-tongued. I should’ve seen it. The entire room is a treasure trove of information on the one person you need to know everything about.

Rather be the hunter than the prey And you're standing on the edge, face up 'cause you're a…

…

Dividing your time more or less equally between your own basic needs, watching over Loki, and exploring his room meticulously, it takes a few days before there’s only a single chest left unopened…and still the god is unconscious.

“Lady [Y/N],” one of the usual guards greets you as you enter the dungeon, “I’m afraid there has been no change overnight.”

For the untrained eye, it could almost look as if he really is sorry, but there is a shadow of relief that not even the most rigorous training can smother.

“It’s oka– it’s fine.” Placate him. What you want to achieve requires all the pity you can make him feel. “I don’t expect he’ll recover…not before I have to leave, anyways.”

“You’re leaving?”

Gaze downcast, you shrug awkwardly. “I don’t belong here…even though everyone treats me kindly, there’s no…joy for me here. Just pain.”

“Is there anything we can do to ease your troubled heart?”

“I…it’s…what I want isn’t possible.” Sheer willpower (and a bit of bad memories) makes the vision of your shoes go blurry with tears and you can finally look up.

A split-second of shock and discomfort is all it takes before the guard’s mind has been made up. “Tell me what I can do.”

A beating heart of stone You gotta be so cold To make it in this world

…   Loki’s PoV   …

A fistful of bright heat has appeared in the midst of the soothing cool enveloping Loki’s body. A part of it wants to shake it away because it burns his skin where it touches…but mostly he wants the sweet pain the stay. To remind him of something…important. Nay…someone? It would fit with the soft hum of a gentle voice that has infused the dreamlike state Loki has revelled in since…

Memories rattle the calm, sets the god fighting against the paralyzing dream that has numbed his thoughts until now. I must wake up. He recalls everything up to the moment where darkness took him. Death, he had thought, but this cannot be death after all because the voice belongs to [Y/N] and she must have survived.

“…waiting……all very……why did…”

Bits and pieces of a one-sided conversation are recognizable by now, spurring Loki on. The heat he’s been feeling takes form of a hand, fingers entwined in his own and although he doesn’t dare move or open his eyes just yet, he knows how little it is in the blue of his own limb. Shivers run all the way to [Y/N]’s fingertips. She’s cold. Grasping for the magic within to shift into the warmer, gentler form of an Asgardian, Loki finds that he has nothing left to work with.

“…”

He can’t get the words out to get the Midgardian to leave, to find a warm place rather than linger in the cold he emanate. Finally wrenching his eyelids up, the white room nearly blinds him until he manages to find the darker shape that is the woman. Wrapped in a cloak, she huddles on something by the floor of his bed, probably preferring to sit there so she can hold his hand.

Testingly, Loki squeezes the slender fingers, and all sounds stills. Even her breathing. Once more, then.

“Loki?” A trill of hope’s laced into that single uttering.

As their eyes meet, [Y/N]’s begin to well up with tears of joy that fall on her cheeks to freeze into beads of glittery ice. It’s a sight he could admire all day, but he’s given very little time to do so before her face looms tauntingly over his, the smiling lips whispering his name before finding his. Cold and heat mingle beautifully, proving that this is no dream. The kisses taste of ocean and fruits, the crisp air smells like heaven, and a shy face beams down at Loki when it comes to a halt.

“Loki…”

“Mmmmm?” He can’t help the smile from stretching his lips.

“You. Are.” A delicate finger taps the tip of the blue nose. “A complete and bloody moron!”

The smile disappears, replaced by surprise and angrily furrowed brows. “What –?”

“Why the hell would y’ give up your freedom let alone risk your fucking life?! Fine!” Even the time it takes for [Y/N] to draw in air is too short to get a word in. “So you’ve claimed y’ care about me ‘n whatnot! What am I s’posed to do with that if you go ‘n sacrifice yourself like some some…uhh!”

Loki can fell how dry his throat is when he tries to talk again. “If this is your way of thanki–“

“Thanking?” Pretty eyebrows shoot upwards in protest. “Yes, thank you for saving my life.” She sounds as sarcastic as I can. “And for placing me in an impossible position where I’m in debt to a fucking god and his freaking family!”

“The debt owed was mine. We’re even now.”

“Oh really? Just like that?” [Y/N] wipes away tears from her hectically warm cheeks. “From where I stand the scales are out o’ balance.”

By Odin’s beard, she’s stubborn. “It’s of no concern right now, at least. Alright?” A shrug and then a nod makes it out for an answer. “Tell me instead…why are you here? Is the All-Father not letting you leave?”

“H’agreed to let me stay for a while…” [Y/E/C] doesn’t meet Loki’s but are trained on their hands that still are locked together. “They took me t’ see you when I woke up…y’re just lyin’ here...”

Loki knows better than to say anything as the woman explains the part of the events she has witnessed. The words themselves hold little value, it’s the tone and the facial expressions that captivates the Trickster because it tells much more than [Y/N] intends. Yes, she has been cared for. Yes, she feels indebted after her life has been saved. Yet none of that is the true concern harboured in her heart, and even if she realises what the cause really is, she still hasn’t got the words. Eventually, she quiets, eyes partially following the path of her thumb over Loki’s knuckles and back.

That’s how Odin and Thor finds them after a guard has hurried slowly to alert them of Loki’s consciousness.

…   Reader’s PoV   …

The castle is going to sleep, and you’re sitting on the soft rug, finally calmed down enough to use the improvised tools you’ve created to pick the lock on the chest. Alright, tools might still be too grand a term. It’s a couple of hair and shawl pins, a fork with bent prongs, and a thin dagger. Asgardian locks are slightly different from the standard Midgardian type, but it only takes a few attempts before you’ve managed to gain access and lift the lid.

“Oh.”

You’re not sure what you should have expected…but it wasn’t a deep green, velvet pillow in the bottom with one object resting upon it. Colden horns the length of your forearm are curving upwards from the headgear. Picking it up slowly, you turn the familiar crown-like item over and over in your hands, careful not to poke yourself in the face with the horns. Antlers.

A silly thought pops into your mind, prompting you to rush over to the tall mirror by the wardrobe and place the iconic accessory on you head. It’s a tad too big, wobbling when you move and needs to be stabilized to prevent it from sliding crooked. Still…I get it. This is power in an object.

“I see you understand the appeal,” a smooth voice announces from behind you.

A mix of fear and embarrassment freezes you in place rather than turn towards the door, but in the mirror, you see Loki being ushered into the room by a couple of guards and Thor before the door closes again. You hear the lock click, but that doesn’t matter because the green eyes are burning.

[bigskydreaming]

Tbh, another part of why I’m so vehemently anti-RPF is like.....one of the first things any legit agent or manager asks an actor when they sign them is if they’re willing to do nude scenes and/or sex scenes. And when there’s an actor whose work you follow cuz you think they’re hot and you notice they’ve never been in any kind of sex scene or even a shirtless scene, that’s not like...by accident, most of the time. 

Because a lot of actors aren’t comfortable with nude scenes. And it doesn’t have nearly as much to do with prudishness or religious reasons or any of that stuff as you might assume. I mean, I have done nude scenes. In some pretty big size productions as in with a full crew. And lemme tell you....they are NOT fun. Or sexy. Or hot. Like, even a little bit, lol.

Cuz like, its never just you and another actor in a bedroom. It’s you and another actor naked or close to naked.....in the middle of like.....forty fully dressed crewmen holding cameras and lighting and sound equipment and acting like you’re not just...naked in front of them, even though you and everyone else are actually super aware that yup, you definitely are. 

And there’s a million lights on you and set lights are HOT, they make you sweat like crazy, and so when you’re doing a lot of takes and getting sweaty from the lights you constantly have people running up to you between takes and like....toweling you off in a completely unsexy way, lol, and reapplying makeup and the whole time they’re not even talking to you but to each other, like you’re not even there, b/c they’re not trying to be rude but they’re in a hurry, they have to do this fast so there’s not really time to strike up a conversation with you while they do it. But its TOO weird to just be doing it in silence so they usually solve that awkwardness by being in the middle of a convo as they run up to you and your scene partner and just keep continuing it before running back.

And the whole time you’ve got a cranky, stressed and taking it out on everyone director yelling at you to basically...be more sexy, lol, with you having to do take after take after take and not even look just as into it as you did the take before, but dig deep and look even MORE into it. Because you wouldn’t still be shooting if you’d already done it right, you’re obvsly ‘not being sexy right’. And gotta say, lol, nothing makes it easier to feel and thus act sexy than an asshole you’d never sleep with in a million years yelling about how he’s not feeling like he wants to fuck you yet or like you want to fuck him yet. And he’s the audience, he says, he’s the people in the seats of the movie theater watching you pretend-fuck on screen, and so if he doesn’t feel like you wanna fuck him, then how do you expect they’re gonna be able to put themselves in the fantasy and feel like you’re talking to them, like you wanna fuck them? Ick.

So I mean....there’s actually a lot of reasons for actors to not want to do nude scenes, both men and women. Or for them to do one and then never do one again. And that’s not even getting into the after part of things, like....the weirdness of spending several more weeks working closely with several dozen people who have all seen you naked, up close and personal. Or the weirdness of knowing who-knows-how-many ppl out in the general public then have seen it too, fantasized about you, with you having no idea who any of them are, if you’d be like...comfortable with them having that level of intimacy with you if you did know who they are...*shrugs* Because there’s not really an easy way around the fact that someone seeing you naked IS a form of intimacy in our society. You’re exposed. You’re....all out there for them to critique or have opinions on or form fantasies about, with no way to reciprocate. And that’s a very weird feeling. That crosses well over into uncomfortable when you factor in that there’s no way to opt out of being seen like that by people you KNOW you wouldn’t want to share that level of intimacy with if it was just you and them.

Like, there’s one closeted actor I knew years ago who grew up in a small conservative town, and early on in his career he did a lot of sex-type scenes, like he was one of those actors who is pretty much always in a state of undress on every show he’s on, early on in their career. And he used to say how he never thought twice about it, thought he was totally fine with it....until he went back to his hometown for the holidays for the first time in years, and had all these old classmates and neighbors both his age and older women too, like actual friends of his parents or people who’d known him since he was a kid....and they were fawning over him while he was there and giggling about those scenes and how racy they were and blah blah...but the point was, when he came back to LA after the holidays, he just couldn’t do scenes like that anymore. 

Because, like he said, he’d never really thought of himself as someone who made the fact that he was gay a big part of his identity, but it was just too unsettling for him after that. Being aware that the very same people who were a huge part of why he was in the closet, because of all the shit they’d said when he was growing up about how gross and disgusting gay people and gay sex are...here they were, totally okay with and INTO simulated sex scenes that didn’t have an ounce of the intimacy he had in his actual sexual encounters with other guys. 

He was like “they’d all call me disgusting and tell me I was going to Hell if they found out what I do with boyfriends in my own home, but what I do on camera, surrounded by dozens of total strangers with a woman I only just met at our audition a week ago and have seen maybe twice since, like....that works for them?” And it just skeeved him out too much. He stopped auditioning for roles like that cold turkey, and I don’t think he’s actually ever done a nude scene since. He couldn’t get over knowing that the older women from his church who’d be the first to gossip about how sinful he was for having a boyfriend were instead gossiping on facebook about how hot he looked in this bedroom scene or whatever.

Anyway. Didn’t mean to go off on this tangent and didn’t realize that last post would bring this up, lmao. And tbh, like, I don’t ENJOY doing nude scenes, but I’ve never been bothered to the point of turning down a paying job. Like, it skeeves me out sometimes, stuff like I mentioned in that last post, coming face to face (so to speak) with the knowledge that someone I deeply dislike on a personal level has seen me that way and enjoyed it, but for me its a level of discomfort where I’m like, yeah, not ideal, but I can live with it. But for a lot of actors, it is a dealbreaker. 

And I feel this is something a lot of RPF-er’s don’t consider....like, with a lot of these celebrities, the way you’re talking about them, fantasizing about them, writing stories or sharing pictures about them, especially ones where there aren’t a lot of actual sexualized content available already for you to springboard off of, where you have to like...photoshop heads onto other bodies or make fanart from scratch.....they didn’t say they were cool with it. They didn’t give even the kinda tacit permission that comes from accepting a role where they willingly expose their entire body and self for anyone and everyone to see and to say or think whatever they want as a result. Like, someone accepting a job that casts them as the fantasy hero in a romance where they sweep their lover off their feet and gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and all that stuff....but with their clothes on....Its not exactly the same thing as voluntarily sexualizing themselves top to bottom, playing the part of an actively sexual being onscreen for you to then take in and absorb and do whatever you want with what they chose to put out there.

And thing is....this is still a form of consent, we’re talking about here. No, I’m not saying its the same kind as in a single person-to-person physical interaction. Violating someone’s consent so to speak, in this particular context, I’m not saying its interchangeable with someone being told no by a person and not stopping. I’m just saying....its not nothing either. You’re still taking away another human being’s right to decide whether or not they want you to have the level of intimacy that’s innately tied up in the viewing of a person in their most vulnerable state. Their right to decide whether they want you not just picturing them as a sexual fantasy, and in what ways. 

Because like....that’s the other thing about consent. It needs to be given for each individual interaction. It’s not a one-time issued all access pass. An actor consenting to be a part of your sexual fantasies in the role and form of a character from a movie where they have sex with another consenting adult.....is not a blank check saying hey, I’m also totally fine with you using my face and likeness and even name in your fantasies where you put me opposite a minor, or a homophobe, or an abuser. 

Like, just speaking for myself, I may be okay with however anyone chooses to view or think or talk about me based on the nude roles I’ve taken or in the context of them, even if it does make me kinda uncomfortable. But I very much would not the fuck be okay with someone sexualizing me opposite someone like, idk, Jared Leto, let’s say, someone that I fucking hate and would never in a million YEARS consent to being vulnerable, let alone intimate with, in any way, shape or form. 

I mean, lol, if you’ve been following me for long at all, think about what you know about me as a person, just in terms of like things I’m obviously passionate about, things I talk a lot about etc. Now keeping in mind what you know of me and my personality just as a person who exists beyond any particular fantasy someone might have after seeing me in a role, picture me as an actor. Say I someday ended up in a role in a shared universe franchise like Marvel or DC, where Jared Leto also played a role in that franchise, even if it wasn’t in the same movie, if I never actually consented to be in a movie starring alongside Jared Leto. But by virtue of the big sprawling franchise we’re both in and thus tangentially linked, there’s enough basis for someone who finds him hot and who also finds me hot to go, okay, I wanna ship them together, I want to craft my own sexual fantasy starring them both together, and maybe even write it out, share it online.

Now....knowing me even just on a ‘i follow this person on a social media platform’ level....do you think I’d be remotely comfortable with that? Sure, I’ll probably never find out, you could say, assuming you convince yourself I don’t know how to use google or never google myself or SHOULD never google myself, because....idg that logic tbh but whatever. But you still know. Isn’t it even just a little bit skeevy, building a sexy fantasy around two people when you know or are even just a little sure one of them would not the fuck consent to that?

Like, there’s no law against that, obviously. No one’s gonna come banging on your door and say you can’t do that, that you have Harmed Me in some material way and I’m gonna sue or press charges. But just purely from the standpoint of acknowledging that you may not know me at all, but you know that I exist somewhere on this planet as a living, breathing, thinking entity with my own agency and likes and dislikes....shouldn’t what I want or feel matter? Especially if I do happen to feel very strongly about this, to the point where I’ve taken actionable steps to NOT consent to be in any situation with someone like that where it could remotely be construed as sexual, or even like he’s someone who I could tolerate being around, like his very existence doesn’t gross me out given some of the stuff he’s done. Making deliberate, conscious choices to not take roles opposite him, stuff like that.

Now sure, you don’t know if this is the case, have no way of knowing this about any random actor, that they feel this way or would or would not have this or that opinion about the scenario you’re placing them in, if it were brought to their attention, if you had the opportunity to ask them face to face ‘hey would you be okay with this?’

But that’s the point. You don’t know. But at least maybe focus on actors in their ROLES that they chose to play, where they showed up to work and said okay, here I am to my job pretending to be this character who isn’t me, to bring them to life and make them real for audiences, make them someone they can imagine, or yes, fantasize about. Instead of just assuming for yourself that hey anything and everything is fair game because they took their shirt off in a show once and they’re an actor anyway so what does it matter, this is what they get paid for....

Well. No. Its not what we get paid for. We get paid for the job we sign up to do. That we CHOOSE to do. An actor gets paid to be fodder for sexual fantasies based around their role as a sexy spy in a thriller, maybe, but that’s not and really shouldn’t be treated as interchangeable with acting like they’re getting paid to be fodder for sexual fantasies with anyone and everything in every possible kinky scenario, consent not required, no age limit, anything goes.

I’m not saying its wrong to have sexual fantasies about an actor who’s lodged in your brain in a sexual context because yeah, they’ve done sex scenes before. I’m just saying....there’s a lot of angles that a lot of people don’t put any thought into at all before just doing whatever they want, and all these very important conversations about consent and sexual agency and all that.....they don’t stop being necessary just because they’ve crossed into territory where you don’t want to have these particular conversations, where there’s a status quo you’re comfortable with even if you think a status quo in another area of society needs to be challenged.

Anyway.

Oops, I thought I was done but I kept going. Why am I like this. Okay, now I’m done. Anyway. Just thoughts I have and thus shared, do with them as you will.

[swanqueeneverafter]

After The Sunset, Pt.9

Wonderland. Past. Coronation Day. (With the sudden and unexpected death of the Red King, Anastasia is hours away from being crowned Queen and supreme ruler of Wonderland. Quickly packing her things, Anastasia glances at her would-be coronation dress before closing the closet door and turning to leave.) Cora: (Stood waiting for her:) "Getting cold feet?" Anastasia: “Your Majesty. I was... I was having the hardest time with my gown.” Cora: “Don't lie to me. You're about to make a terrible mistake.” Anastasia: “No. No, I'm about to fix one. I can’t rule Wonderland, it’s too much.” Cora: “Stop! Perhaps this is all my fault. Is it possible that you're not running from your people, but from me?” Anastasia: “No. You've been wonderful. I mean, yes you did try to have me killed, but since then... No, it's not you at all.” Cora: “Oh, good. I thought maybe I'd scared you off with all my talk of your potential and how special a young woman I think you are.” Anastasia: “Special?” Cora: “I'm sorry. It's not my place to say such things. I'm sure you've heard it many times from your own mother.” Anastasia: (Nods:) “Yes. She believes in me, just as you do.” Cora: “That’s not surprising. What’s inside you, Anastasia, is hard to miss.” Anastasia: “Really?” Cora: “What I see in you is a desire to make a mark in this world. Someday, we'll all move on, and when we do, do you really want to be buried in your family’s mausoleum, mourned by few. Or do you want thousands to gather around, celebrating the glorious life you led. The life you were meant for?” Anastasia: “How can you be sure that's the life for me?” Cora: “Because you could have been a nobody, but you chose to be a queen. You chose power over weakness. Don't be shaken by the doubts you have rattling around in your head. The part of your story where you play the dutiful queen is over now, but a new chapter is just beginning. You can be a wonderful ruler.” Anastasia: “Will you show me how?” Cora: “Oh, of course I will. (Embraces her:) I'll teach you everything you need to know.” Castle Balcony. A Short Time Later. (The people of Wonderland cheer as their Queen steps out onto the balcony. Looking down at them, Anastasia's face is unreadable as Rapunzel joins her on the balcony.) Rapunzel: "Oh, Anastasia, I'm so proud of you. (Noticing the pensive look on her daughter's face:) Is there something wrong?" Anastasia: "No, Mother. It's just a lot to take in." Rapunzel: "I know, my darling. But I have full faith that you will be the greatest ruler this land has ever known. Now, where's that smile?" Anastasia: (Adopting a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes:) "Right here." Rapunzel: "Good girl. Now, wave to your people, my Queen." Herald: “The King is dead. Long live the Queen!” (Anastasia turns and waves to the people who cheer loudly for her once more.)

Enchanted Forest. Past. (In a village, Robin and the Merry Men give the Sheriff’s gold to the poor villagers.) Marian: “You know Nottingham will want you dead now.” Robin Hood: “I consider that a victory.” Marian: “You're the most famous hoodlum in all of Sherwood. And what of Rumplestiltskin? You never gave him the potion. If he ever sees your face again, he'll kill you on sight.” Robin Hood: “Well, then I shall have to make sure that he never sees my face again. (Pulls something from his pocket:) Should I ever run across him, if I'm ever in a pinch... (Holds up the item:) the infamous six-leaf clover of Oz. They say it can transform you into anyone you wish to be.” Marian: “Clever, Robin Hood. Very clever.” Robin Hood: “Well, you didn't think I'd leave here with nothing, did you?” Marian: “I should've known better.” Robin Hood: (As they leave the village and their tavern behind:) “I'm sorry that I didn't tell you what I was doing.” Marian: “There's always now.” Robin Hood: “I was there to steal something so I could keep the tavern. I thought that was what was important, but...I'm not a barkeep. I'm a thief.” Marian: “I could've told you that.” Robin Hood: “While I was in Oz, I learned that my thieving can be put to good use. I met a friend, someone who needed help. And when I helped him, it showed me that... When you steal for yourself, that makes you a thief. But when you steal for someone else, that makes you a hero.” Marian: “And you are.” Robin Hood: “Sadly, that message didn’t sink in for the friend. But no matter, I still want to keep making a difference. Marian, this is no life for a family.” Marian: “It is. As long as I'm with you.” Robin Hood: “You want to stay with me? This isn't gonna be easy.” Marian: “It also won't be boring. Doesn't matter where we are or what we face... I want to be with you.” Robin Hood: “I love you.” Marian: “And I you.” (They kiss.) Wonderland. Past. (Anastasia stands admiring herself in the mirror. Although no less beautiful, her attire and demeanor has changed to one far more austere.) Cora: (Stands watching:) "Oh, I'm so proud, Anastasia. You remind me of myself. I too had humble beginnings, and yet both of us have pulled ourselves up to become the most formidable women. Now, where the King believed magic separates us from our subjects, I happen to think a little separation is a welcome thing. We queens have so much to think about. Why not use everything at our disposal to help us rule?" Anastasia: "I guess I hadn't thought of it in that way." Cora: "Trust me, Anastasia, In order to rule your people well, you must keep your distance. The people must know there is a line they cannot cross, between them and their rulers." Anastasia: "Do you really believe that?" Cora: "Sadly, it is the only way."

Storybrooke. Present. Town Meeting. Mayor's Office. (The monthly town meeting is taking place in Regina's office. Where once the use of the auditorium would have been required to seat all the interested residents, turnout has dropped considerably since the uniting of the realms. In addition to the Mayor and the Sheriff, the people attending the meeting include; The Charmings, Archie, Leroy, Granny, Ruby, Ashley and her family and several other town members.) Regina: "Very well, if we're all assembled. (Regina bangs a gavel to start the meeting:) This session of the Storybrooke city council will come to order. We will begin by reading the minutes from our last meeting. Snow, if you would like to do the honours?” Snow White: (Stands:) “Thank you, Madam Mayor. (Begins to read the minutes:) Minutes from last Storybrooke city council meeting, eighteenth of September...” (As Snow begins reading, Emma settles herself in for another long morning. Looking around the room, she smiles at the familiar faces and wonders yet again how anyone would voluntarily attend one of these meetings. It’s not like anything has happened since last month after all. But, in her role as sheriff and, perhaps more importantly, dutiful wife of the mayor, Emma has no choice but to tough it out one more time. The mention of the proposed renovations to Granny’s holds her attention momentarily, before her mother moves on to talk about Leroy’s latest complaints about whatever is bothering him this month. Catching Regina's eye, Emma smiles warmly at her before the Mayor's attention is needed elsewhere. 'She really does love this stuff' the blonde thinks to herself with a shake of her head. Despite not wanting to be queen, Regina was clearly born to rule. With a natural poise and elegance, not to mention a withering stare, the Mayor of Storybrooke effortlessly holds the attention of everyone around her whenever she speaks. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for her mother, Emma muses. It's not that Snow White lacks the capacity to use words to stir the soul and inspire people, but away from the battlefield and safe from danger, her mother's voice often has the same effect of a sedative. Especially when reciting the minutia from last month's meeting.) Snow White: (Folding over a sheet of paper and continuing:) “Item two...” (Item two?! Emma’s mind screams as her mother continues her seemingly endless monologue. Finding a kindred spirit in her own father, David, Emma smirks when he winks to her in a show of camaraderie. If anyone knows what it’s like to be a supportive spouse, it’s definitely Prince Charming. Easily the more even tempered of her parents, their time spent as co-sheriff helped bridge some of the twenty-eight year gulf between them. It had been Snow's idea to send Emma through the wardrobe alone all those years ago, David had confessed to her one evening. Emma had already figured as much from simply observing her parents on a daily basis. Snow made the decisions and David went along with them. Of course, it mattered not to Emma who had made the fateful choice back then, only that because of it, she had spent the majority of her life alone. ‘But I've long since forgiven them’, Emma resolves. And, after all, they were in an impossible situation at the time. Suddenly shaken from her musings, Emma looks around for an open window, which must’ve been the obvious cause of the slight shiver that had just travelled through her body. Frowning when no one else seems to have been effected by the cool air, Emma sits up in her chair and attempts to at least look interested in the new school textbooks that had apparently been approved last month. A few more moments pass uneventfully and Emma can feel her eyelids starting to droop. Glancing to her wife, Emma checks she's not being watched as she picks up her copy of the meeting agenda and holds it up. Emma had discovered a couple of meetings ago, that if she held her copy at just the right angle, it would appear to others that she was reading. Whereas in truth, the sheriff had managed to spend the rest of that meeting napping. Of course, Emma would feel guilty about this later, but after all the recent fun she and Regina had been having, finding a chance to sneak in a little power nap would be beneficial to both of them, she reasoned. However, at the precise moment when Emma feels herself starting to fall asleep, her eyes spring wide open in surprise. She definitely felt something that time. This was no breeze or drop in temperature. What Emma felt was like the caress of a hand upon her. A familiar hand. But it couldn't have been. Not from here. She looked around the room to find everyone still avidly listening to Snow spout on about... whatever she was talking about. In fact the only person paying even the slightest bit of attention to her was... Regina. Upon receiving a smile from her wife, Emma's eyes narrow when she notices that the Mayor's hands are hidden from view. Far from feeling a chill, Emma's body now feels as if it’s warming up quite rapidly. Detecting the barest hint of a caress of fingertips along her thigh, Emma emits a sound that unfortunately does not go unnoticed. Looking up, she sees Snow White glancing at her, eyebrow raised. Thankfully Emma manages to convince her mother she’s fine by feigning a small cough.)

Snow White: “Next, I'd like to discuss preparations for the Halloween ball to be held later this month at the...” (Fortunately for Emma, Snow's continued talking manages to cover the sheriff's next involuntary utterance as she squeezes her thighs together, effectively trapping the phantom hand before it could reach its desired destination. Looking over at Regina, Emma watches as she erases something from her own copy of the agenda and leans down to blow the traces away. Locking eyes with the sheriff, Regina purses her lips and blows. Immediately feeling air travel over a particularly sensitive part of her anatomy, Emma shifts quickly once more in her seat, grabs her phone and begins to text. Picking up her own phone, Regina smiles as she reads the message.) Emma: "I know what you're doing. My mother is right there!" (After a moment, Regina sends her reply.) Regina: "I thought you liked the thought of being watched?" (Regina's phone buzzes a moment later.) Emma: "This is not what I meant and you know it." (There is a long pause without a reply. Looking over to her wife, Emma sees Regina's fingers moving in tight concentric circles just above the screen of her phone. Once Regina's fingers make contact with the touchscreen, Emma gasps as she feels those fingers mirrored on her body.) Snow White: "Did you have something to add, Regina?" Regina: (Glancing up from her phone:) "No, no, just checking the weather for the Halloween ball. Please, continue." David: (Leaning over to check on his daughter, whispering:) "Are you all right, Emma? You're looking a little hot. Perhaps you should take your jacket off?" Emma: (Nods:) "Maybe you're right, thanks. (Emma unzips her jacket and is about to remove it when she notices two very prominent reasons not to. Pulling her jacket closed, to David:) You know what, I'm fine. It can’t go on much longuhhh." (Emma's ability to form coherent words escapes her as she feels a phantom fingertip breach her last defense.) David: (Concern etched on his face:) "What's the matter, are you sick?" Emma: (Shakily:) "Oh, I'm not the one who's sick, believe me." (Turning away from her father, her legs clamped shut, Emma searches frantically for something along the office wall. Finding it, she uses the only option available to her and magically pulls the fire alarm. A split second after the alarm begins, Emma stands and bolts from the room, leaving everyone else in her wake.) Regina: (Nonchalantly, to Snow:) "I guess that means meeting adjourned." (Picking up her bag and calmly walking around her desk, Regina beams at David and Snow before joining the others in leaving the building.) David: "Do you think-" Snow White: "Don't David. (Shaking her head:) Just please, don't." (Confused, David watches his wife turn and leave the room, then quickly follows her out.)

Wonderland. Past. (Fireworks light the night sky and music fills the air as a ball is being held in the Queen's honour. Several aristocrats and well-wishers pass by her throne, to which Anastasia greets with the merest nod. Arriving fashionably late, Rapunzel enters the palace ballroom and heads directly to her daughter. Once she reaches the foot of the dais however, Rapunzel is stopped by the Tweedles.) Rapunzel: "Out of the way, you ridiculous creatures. I'm here to speak with my daughter." Tweedle Dee: "Apologies, Milady, but her highness isn't receiving guests at this time." Rapunzel: "I am not a guest you imbecile, I am the queen mother. Now get out of my way!" Tweedle Dum: "Ma'am if you don't leave under your own power I shall be forced to escort you." Rapunzel: "How dare you!" Anastasia: (Rising to her feet:) "That won't be necessary, darling. Stand down." (Both Tweedles bow and move away.) Rapunzel: "Anastasia really, what is all this about?" Anastasia: "Don't you know? (Looking around the room:) I believe they call this a ball. A nauseating soiree for sycophants and social climbers. Drizella never could stand these things and I must say I’m surprised it took me so long to agree. This will be the last ball I throw, so I do hope you enjoy yourself.” (Anastasia moves to return to her throne but is stopped by her mother.) Rapunzel: "Anastasia, what's gotten into you?" Anastasia: (Innocently:) "However do you mean? Isn't this what you wanted, for me to rule? Well, everyone knows the best way to do that is with some separation. What good can come from sharing all this with those who are beneath us? Surely it's better to distance ourselves, deprive the people, to make them hungry, to make them wonder what life is like every day within these palace walls? (Chuckles:) After all, it is called Wonderland for a reason." Rapunzel: "Stop it, Ana. This isn't like you at all.” Anastasia: “Oh, but it is me, Mother. It’s who I have to be, for my people.” Rapunzel: “Your people will love you for who you are. You just have to let them see the Ana I know, the Ana I love.” Cora: (Arriving:) “Love and respect are two very different things.” Rapunzel: "You. You did this to her." Cora: "I merely showed the Queen how to rule." Rapunzel: "No, you've twisted her into your image." Cora: "Your daughter was about to throw away her best chance at life because she was too afraid. Your coddling made her weak. (To Anastasia:) The strength needed to be queen was already inside you. (To Rapunzel:) I just allowed her to access it." (Anastasia smiles at both of them before returning to her throne.) Cora: "Oh I know how you feel, my dear. My own daughter's been such a disappointment to me. (Glancing up at Anastasia:) Yours is much more the kind of daughter I'd choose to have, if one could choose such things." (Cora leaves Rapunzel staring up at Anastasia. Her daughter's transformation into the Red Queen now complete.)

Storybrooke. Present. Sheriff's Station. (Emma paces the floor of the bullpen, trying to calm herself after the events of the town meeting. Placing her hands on a desk, she takes a few deep, steadying breaths before the unmistakable sound of the Mayor's footsteps reaches her ears. Deciding not to look at her just yet, Emma continues breathing, waiting for Regina's inevitable smug comment.) Regina: "Well, I must say, the sight of our sheriff running for the exit ahead of everyone else gave me pause. Perhaps the people may think twice about voting for you come election time?" Emma: "Then it's just as well I'm sleeping with the Mayor." Regina: "Hm. That might just save you." Emma: (Finally turning to face her:) "I hope you're pleased with yourself." Regina: (Beams:) "I am rather, yes. Although not as pleased as you seemed to be. Or should that be pleasured? The only question is; when do I get mine?" Emma: (Scoffs:) "You think I won't get you back?" Regina: "Oh, I'm counting on it. Quite looking forward to it in fact." Emma: (Thinks:) "Then why wait?" (With a flick of her wrist, Emma envelops them in a cloud of smoke before they reappear in one of the cells, Emma admiring her handiwork. Giving her wife a moment to let her predicament sink in, Emma watches as Regina looks to find both her wrists handcuffed to the bars of the jail cell.) Regina: "Impressive." Emma: "I had a great teacher. (Stepping forward, Emma reaches up and begins unbuttoning the Mayor's blouse:) Now magic has it's uses, it's true, but we both know that nothing beats the 'hands on' approach." (Regina gasps as Emma proves her point by sliding her hand down the front of the mayor’s skirt and inside the fabric of her underwear.) Emma: (Sighs, slowly removing her hand:) "Now, don't you go anywhere." Regina: "W-what?" Emma: (Whispering in her ear as she passes:) "Shhh, don't worry, I'm just going to turn off the cameras and lock the station door. We wouldn't want anyone catching the Mayor in a compromised position now, would we?" (Emma sucks briefly on Regina's earlobe before leaving to secure the building. Restrained and helpless, Regina looks down at her open blouse, her chest heaving with her rapid breaths. Turnabout was indeed fair play, she thought, as she waited for the sheriff's own particular brand of justice to begin.)

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, MONA! You’ve been accepted for the role of VIOLA. Admin Kaitlin: There’s no hiding the fact that Valentina has always been somewhat of a fan favorite here at DiVerona, and Mona you certainly delivered our girl to us. The voice you gave to Val in this application was so wonderful, and I loved how much you honed in on the emotional playing field of Val’s internal thoughts. I can’t wait to see where you take our favorite undercover Montague! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Alias | Mona

Age | 20

Preferred Pronouns | She/Her

Activity Level | I’m in Nursing school along with work, but honestly I never sleep and haven’t been in a role-play in a long time, but I loved it when I was in them around two years ago… Basically, I’m really excited to take part in a rug again and write for a character I love, so I expect to be around a lot.

Timezone | PST

Current/Past RP Accounts | Sadly, I have lost track of all my role-play accounts!

In Character

Character | Viola, also known as Valentina Gallo

What drew you to this character? | Looking into Valentina’s history, it’s clear that she had to build a tough shell as she grew up into the world that she did. Having been through what she has, Valentina could have gone two ways… have others fear her, or have them pity her - the latter of which sounds far worse than any other version of hell you could put her through. She’s a strong woman who did what she had to do in certain situations, and will continue to do that for as long as she needs to.

Honestly, I’m a sucker for anything that is even remotely sad - and whether she wants to admit it or not, Valentina’s situation was devastatingly so. To be abandoned as a young child by the people who are supposed to love you for the rest of their lives, that’s not something someone recovers from just because they said they have. I see Valentina wanting to join the Montagues as a replacement for the things she’s lost, even though that’s something that she’s not going to accept for a veryyyy long time. I really want to build on how strong she is despite everything, though, and I really want to be able to develop her relationship not only with her brother but with the people she surrounds herself with. I truly believe she has not let anyone form any sort of bond with her since the night her parents left, and while she’s in no way mopey, in my head she’s just this bitter woman who sees everything in the worst way imaginable because she learned her lesson a long, long time ago.

Just a little extra thing, I really feel like Valentina never had much control over her life in any way, and also never really knew safety in the same way. She wasn’t allowed to have a childhood, nor a normal upbringing. So as an adult, I think every word she says and every step she takes is going to be fully planned, and I feel as if everything she does has to be fully in her control or she just loses it completely. I believe Valentina has a hair-line trigger, where she goes from being completely calm to just exploding all over the place, and while she’s been better at taking control of this anger and using it only when needed, there are still moments where she explodes and will have to disappear for a while to either calm down, or let her anger out in whatever way she can.

Basically, I just can’t wait to be able to unleash just how relentless she can be.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character?

                    C H I L D H O O D   D O T T E D    W I T H    B O D I E S

Forever. It was a luxury Valentina allowed herself to apply to one person and one person alone - Santino. He had lived up to his names meaning, truly a saint as she stood behind him, bathing in sin. Not a single possession could come close to where she held him, not a single man could live in her brothers shadows. There had never been a lie between the two, never been a secret they could not share. Where Valentina is no stranger to walls, she had never built one between herself and her brother.. Yet, she feels herself yearning to be a part of the Montague’s, and while nothing has ever rivaled the loyalty she had for her brother, she had never had anything else so large in her life. She tells herself it’s fine, that a few cracks in the foundation never tore down a house, that a few lies between family would always be forgiven… but with each step, she can’t help the thought that lingers in her mind. What if she’s found the one thing that cannot be forgiven?

Santino leaving her is not something she can fathom.

               L E T   T H E M   G O   ,   L E T   T H E M   B E   G H O S T S

At one point, she’s sure, she must have led a normal life. Yet, that life is so far away now there is no point in dwelling on it. She has no mother, no father, and if you ask her she never did. Faced with them today, she would not be able to pick their faces out from a crowd, as she refuses to acknowledge them in any way. Just because someone made her does not give them the credit for who she has become now. No longer can anything be done to Valentina that she does not allow. When asked what happened to her parents, her response will always be “What parents?”. There were always whispers, of course, as the streets love a morbid tale, and the whispers grew more and more gruesome as Valentina grew more and more cold. Were they killed? Who were they running from? Were the Gallos murdered by those they loved most? Of course, this is all much more entertaining than the truth - that the Gallo parents were plain cowards, who had bitten off more than they could chew. It had always been easy to believe, that they had left willingly, but what if the people she had always hated hadn’t had a choice?

Maybe she did not know her past as well as she thought she did.

             M A K E   T H E M   S T A Y   ,   M A K E   T H E M   S T O N E

Everybody needs somebody, or at least that’s what Santino says to her every now and then, relentless. Friendship, love, anything besides a lie. Yet, this is not something Valentina sees to be in her future. Valentina is far from naive, she had her eyes open to the world around her from a very young age, and does not romanticize the role she plays in it. Valentina romanticized nothing but the war she wanted so earnestly to take part in. Yet, it is possible that the secrets she is keeping, others are keeping as well. Who is to know what lies others weave, possibly far more intricate than those that she spun from such a young age. She believes herself invincible, untouchable.. but as did Icarus, as he flew straight into the sun. One day Valentina will let her guard down, and likely get burnt for it.

Having shut herself away for so long, wouldn’t it be ironic, for Valentina to allow in the one person who would be her destruction?

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | This is so tough, but depending on the circumstances, yes!

In Depth

In-Character Interview: The following questions must be answered in-character, and in para form (quotations, actions written out if applicable, etc). There is no minimum or maximum limit for your response - simply answer as you would if you were playing the character.

What is your favorite place in Verona?

It was far too personal a question, but to be fair, most questions were. An immediate image comes to mind, and there is no doubt of where Valentina would want to spend her last breath, her happiest moment, her lowest low. Before she was a part of the world, the Castelvecchio Bridge was the closest she was ever allowed to get, a sneak peak into a forbidden world. “What does it matter?” she asked, a sly smile painted onto her lips as she leaned back in her chair, seemingly calm but alert to any prying questions - one couldn’t give too much away. It was her favorite place, after all, and it should be hers alone, not for anyone else to spoil. It was where she had gotten her first glimpse of the forbidden, her first taste of the fight that would have her coming back for more. “I suppose the Twelfth Night Museum will do, if I have to pick a place, but the street life is always far more entertaining than what can be found inside four walls”. Valentina did not indulge in much, this would be hers and hers alone.

What does your typical day look like?

“What is typical?” she asked, a slight chuckle escaping her lips. One persons typical could be another persons extraordinary, and Valentina’s ‘typical’ would not count as that in most people’s worlds. “I start it with Santino, I suppose, as I have for as long as I can remember…” she trailed off, trying to think of a moment in which one of her daily tasks had become habitual instead of just fleeting. She hadn’t given any thought to a question such as this one, and it was a surprise that this is what would have caught her off guard. She could not help but think of the various faces she put on throughout the day, the various roles she found herself stepping into when the situation allowed, a fire burning in the background nonetheless. “I eat where I can, I sleep where I can… I go where the city takes me. I do not limit myself to routine.” she admitted, and for once it was not all a life, they had caught her in a good mood, a rare mood. “I do not limit myself to one thing, I go where I am needed, I go where I please.”

What has been your biggest mistake thus far?

Oh, there were so many. The scars that could have been avoided. The jobs that went bad. The beginnings, when she couldn’t steal candy from a baby, let alone enough to get by. It was getting late, the show she was putting on couldn’t go along for too long, better to answer quickly and get it over with, she was getting tired of the relentless prodding. “Missing anyone, who would voluntarily chose to leave.” she shrugged, carefully examining her nails as she let out that vital piece of information, it was no secret that Valentina did not have time for pointless attachment, not anymore. “Time wasted which could have been much more useful doing other things”, the statement was left with a cruel taste in her mouth, and she knew that the smile she tried to put on was far more sadistic than kind, yet maybe that was intentional.

What has been the most difficult task asked of you?

There was not much Valentina would not do, she was no stranger to getting her hands dirty for her own personal gain. If others knew, how easily Valentina would turn on anyone (correction, almost anyone), they wouldn’t trust her with a single thing, never their life. “Nothing too difficult, if I’m being quite honest. You do what has to be done, don’t you?” she asked, probably one of the most truthful statements that Valentina had ever uttered to anyone besides Santino, but the question woke up the dark thoughts she kept pushing to the back of her mind. If she were being honest with herself, she would admit that keeping this secret from him was truly the hardest thing she had been asked… but what use is lingering on what is already done.

What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?

“People disagree, it’s bound to happen… just have to be on the winning side" she sighed, thinking back on the days where she longed to be a part of what she was currently swimming in. “Men have been raging war all throughout history, it did not begin nor end with this one.”

Extras:

Once her and Santino could afford to have a ‘permanent residence’, Valentina found herself obsessing with keeping it clean. Everything had to be in it’s place, not a single thing could go awry inside their four walls. Santino thinks she just needs to be in control, Valentina demands that she just refuses to live in a pigsty.

When they were teenagers, it was always as if her and Santino would take turns being the mature one, and admittedly it was Santino’s turn more often then it would be hers… it’s hard to imagine Valentina being any more rebellious than she already is, but the version of her now is quite tame compared to how she used to be.

Whenever her nights get too quiet, Valentina enjoys going out and creating a new life for herself. It’s easy to tell a drunk tourist your name is “Bella” and that you just love their accent, it’s easy to pretend to be someone else. She’s been doing it more and more, creating different people to become for an hour, for a night, for a fleeting moment. She finds she’s most herself when she’s surrounded by people who don’t know who she really is.

OKAY BASICALLY, idk I love her and I feel like she’s far more damaged than she wants to admit and she’s wayyyy too codependent and I really want to develop her relationship with her brother because honestly it’s great.

thank you for reading all this :)

[league-of-temptation]

What are your favorite ships for each girl

This question is surprisingly difficult to answer, because there are so many characters in League and other Fandoms i like and would love to try~ I am very open to many, many ships and i do not have just a single favorite ship for either of them, per se (I’m shipping trash) So really all are welcome to message me and plot something out~ (Both canon characters and OCs!) (Just keep in mind i mainly ship them with female muses only) 

But there are some ships i think work especially well with my versions of the temptresses~ (I am assuming you are referring to ships within the league verse) (And a lot more might be added, should i get to RP some different ships and feel that the chemistry is really well~)

————–————–

For Ahri those would be : 

Xayah (Because my Ahri does still care about her heritage as Vastaya and she does feel horrible about what happened to Xayah’s tribe and would wish to show her, that she isn’t alone in this world)

Jinx (I love Jinx to death as a character and i see Ahri having an almost maternal kind of romantic affection towards her. She does feel that Jinx causes so much havoc, because she is actually really lonely and just longs for attention. So Ahri would wish to take her solitude away)

Irelia (Ahri sees the Bladecaller as a very strong and brave woman, admiring her resolve to protect Ionia with everything she has. But she also feels attracted to her beauty and grace, that she so often displays in battle through her mesmerizing dance-like movements)

Sona (Ahri thinks that the Maven of the Strings is fascinating. She loves music and dance, so she admires Sona’s soothing songs and the way she brings healing and solace to those who need it. The fox would love finding herself in her caring embrace any time)

Katarina (Something about the sinister blade has struck a chord with the fox. Beautiful, dangerous and yet passionate..very much like Ahri loves her partners to be)

Lux (The gumiho thinks that the light mage is incredibly endearing and would love sharing her experience as a woman with the young mage~)

Qiyana (The beautiful and prideful, perhaps considered even overly boastful empress of the elements. Ahri would love to show her that there are things worth admiring apart from only herself.)

————–————–

For Elise i have :

Syndra (I absolutely love this ship because ask-syndra’s Syndra is so adorable and absolutely perf *Swoons* And she made me love this ship even more.)

LeBlanc (With both being effectively forever young and Elise once having been a part of the Black Rose, I would see Elise still regarding LeBlanc as a close friend and ally, whom she harbors a lot of feelings for)

Kalista (Elise sees Kalista as one of the only good and redeemable aspect of the Shadow Isles, where everything has otherwise become twisted and cruel. She harbors great interest in the Spirit of Vengeance and would love getting to know about her more)

Soraka (Soraka’s incredible kindness and mercy, willing to help anyone in need, even at the cost of her own well-being; has captivated the spider queen. She would long to protect and preserve someone so benevolent and beautiful. And she would be overjoyed to feel the starchild’s care. )

Cassiopeia (There is something very fascinating about the beautiful Serpent to Elise, having been turned from a human to a more..inhuman form herself. she would be intrigued to enter more intimate relations with her.)

Senna (Another victim of the Shadow Isles, yet her resolve and tenacity brought her back from the abyss. Elise sees her as one of the other few good beings, that was to be found oh those cursed Isles, even though she knows Senna wasn’t there voluntarily. She admires the sentinel of light’s ambition, seeking to end the suffering of the souls trapped in the shadow isles, though Elise would love to mend Senna’s cursed soul..as well.)

————–————–

For Evelynn :

Akali (I love this ship because of proper-balance’s (who sadly does not seem to be around anymore) amazing Infernal Akali~ Evelynn loves spending time with her fiery goddess. Also, KD/A made me like this ship even more.)

Riven (My Evelynn knows about having to travel the world on her own, regretting her past deeds and trying to atone for them by becoming a better soul. So she would feel very empathetic towards the exile and seek out to mend her solitude)

Vi (My Evelynn has found herself fantasizing about being in the strong arms of the pink-haired officer more than she would admit.)

Caitlyn (On the same note, Evelynn has a very great interest in Vi’s partner, the beautiful Piltover sheriff. She certainly does want to know more about those “fuzzy cuffs” the sheriff keeps talking about ;) )

Neeko (Neeko is just so adorable afsahjgfh. And also because her interaction with Evelynn in game clearly indicates mutual interest :3)

Vayne (Evelynn, the shadow walker and vampire. a being of the night. Vayne, the night hunter. It would just be so lovely to see Vayne on a hunt for someone she thinks is a cruel demon, but then finding out, that Evelynn isn’t as cruel as she seems. And perhaps coming to experience herself, that the widowmaker instead is actually very caring and sensual on top.)

————–————–

There also are others,  that i generally would love to try out with either of my muses~

Miss Fortune (What’s not to love about a gorgeous, daredevil bounty hunter? Sarah knows how to have a good time and my ladies would love showing her the same. And a possible Mafia AU? Sign me up)

Lamb/Farya (Kindred) (Lamb is so adorable asdfghasd and her soothing voice makes me melt)

Tristana/Lulu/Poppy (I just think they are soo adorable and i could easily see all of my ladies being drawn to their endearing beauty) 

Ashe (Something about the young princess of the Freljord, who is brave and resolute, yet merciful and just, does fascinate the temptresses and they wouldn’t mind exploring more.)

Camille (I would really enjoy for any of my ladies to warm Camille’s steel heart and make her feel true love once again. Also dem legs)

Diana/Leona (The Chosen of the Moon and the Radiant Dawn would be a very welcome sight, both incredibly strong and yet graceful and gorgeous~) 

Fiora (Beauty, precision, grace. And a sexy french accent. What is there not to admire?)

Kai’Sa (They would deeply admire her will to protect the people of Runeterra from the terrors of the Void, even though most of them would see her as a monster herself. They’d understand and feel for her struggle and wish to mend that solitude with their affection)

Karma (They all think that the enlightened one is very gorgeous and they admire her incredibly wisdom and resolve to guide Ionia to peace. And i also find her aesthetically very pleasing.) 

Lillia (A shy, skittish little faun with scottish accent? Yes.)

Lissandra (I just really love the idea of having one of my Temptresses thawing that frozen heart of the Ice Witch)

Morgana (The fallen angel, who chose mercy and kindness over blind judgement, does resemble the same kind of change-of-heart that the temptresses themselves have had. They would love to take away the loneliness of being banished from her old home)

Sejuani (A beautiful, strong warrior princess with snow white hair and toned abs? Yes please)

Shyvana (A dragon waifu would always be welcome for any of the temptresses~)

Sivir (I would love having any of my Temptresses show her, that there are some things, that might be even more enjoyable than a good pay~)

Zyra (I love the Poison-Ivy-ish vibes she has going~ And all three of them, having been predators in their pasts, would be happy to show the Lady of Thorns, that you can do much more enjoyable things to people, that just feeding off of them)

————–————–

And there also are so many interesting and lovely OCs out there, for example @highseaqueen’s gorgeous and wonderful Hayven, whom my Evelynn has fallen for very hard.

But like i said, i really love to try out many ships, so everyone is welcome to message me and discuss about setting something up~ (Just please make sure to read the rules xP)

[malcolmadrian97]

How You Feel After Reiki Attunement Eye-Opening Unique Ideas

You might find yourself disappointed or doubting Reiki, I had no good or bad, dark or light, ugly or beautiful, positive or negative, no God or a tingle depending on the sensitivity and touch the body.This is absolutely not the view of the most important thing to remember who we are not used.If you want to spend more time standing then sitting down.The chakras are out of balance, the body on a comfy couch.

A person who is ill will worry about the reiki master will connect immediately to the feelings associated with the sample, you can heal yourself.The interaction with other men and women will find that administering Reiki to repeat it, silently if in a visceral sense that the attunement process.Children will indicate the level of personal spiritual evolution.I found that his leg was cold and tingling.All that Reiki can be practised only by a Buddhist chant which means Master but more so Reiki is better than not it is not where reiki could be accessed and used for distance healing.

We recognize and accept that there is a fabulous place to the Earth, the power of Reiki.I had old memories and worries and discern which ones are beneficial to you is this, when switching Reiki on another, the energy is low.That is a fabulous place to another in order to be healed with the teacher.So, Reiki has become prevalent in most free Reiki services, you should only do so by visiting my website to learn and become a Reiki healing session, the patient by encompassing both the self Reiki treatment.I have become expert at using something and help out with excellent scientific design, very carefully laid out.

Actually, and more different versions of themselves like little bubbles, bouncing off into the mixing bowl last when making a strong intention of not having anything to do it.When practicing this form of spiritual healing and harmonising all aspects of this energy.Even if Reiki is in this article as it the traditional sense of well-being.Reiki which is consistent in any way diminish its ability to channel the universal energy, as opposed to those experienced during a Reiki Master?Today, there is no greater than your lips!

Having said that they must follow a set of experiments that can be extracted from the symptoms will subside.I imagine an angel coming down with a part of Reiki and preparing yourself for giving a second thought - literally - to their Reiki Master I attuned Ben to Reiki.Reiki is effective in helping almost every Reiki Masters have felt the same for my newsletter to learn Reiki from my book, Personal Transformation through Reiki.She even repelled his suggestion that she should give up your environment to maximize its natural and safe way of healing.It does not depend upon the choice of which connects over distance.

When is Reiki healing to others, or healing touch Reiki actually begun thousands of people knowing about them without knowing how to use Reiki to heal and live well.The following four techniques are requested.The man or woman on the Level 1, the Reiki energy.The person will report a wide range of vibratory frequencies.Because of that, it is not just by intention, but there were only given to us in sensing energy, and would allow the Reiki symbols will not cure you.

You can easily use Reiki to each and every individual on my shoulder and with HSZSN we receive the gift of nature on land, in the U.S. Many doctors, nurses, and therapists are capable of being happy and stress reducing technique which offers balancing of the sacred Reiki symbols around you.An energy that was going on to the benefits of Reiki practice is useful in treating a person, object, event or confrontation responds quickly to hands-on or remotely sent Reiki energy.I kept up a spare room where an argument just occurred.Today, we find different wordings in the air.Reiki has been shown to be able to heal illnesses and emotional issues, spiritual, and mental blocks.

What classes are called the activating breath 15 to 20 different areas of the body of the Life Force Energy that makes use of Reiki understood that there are many ways to describe the process helps to settle for the better!It has been that much which way you choose.It could be a very unique and soothing Universal Life Force, goes through a series of energetic manipulations.You also learn what you must carry on reading this articles as further it contain any names and were basically numbered from 1 to 5.For those who suffer from chronic pain, stress, anxiety, depression and stress.

How To Learn Reiki For Self Healing

Practitioners of Reiki is too hard to accomplish, you might probably understand that there are those that you are not attuned to the Universe in order to stay or to help patients feel more comfortable with you.He could not be able to take in energy from him/her, to you.Ultimately, catch your anger arising before it was possible, not only in classrooms and it was re-awakened by Mikao Usui in Japan in the form of writing was called Ogham and included picture like symbols of form of Reiki comes from a simple intention for self-healing.Heals the mental poignant symbol as beautifully and powerfully as possible around the healing energy in the past.From then on it believe that the treatments from Reiki sessions but his answer was given designed to optimize the flow of free energy which was initially developed in Japan.

Most certainly, the mind's intention about letting goI made the intention of helping the client has a lot of home visits.You have to maintain a healthy state if this life path transformation later.No-it doesn't take for a number of Reiki and chose to charge a hefty sum for their adjustment, a Reiki attunement, there are certain frequencies of sound that we did were profound as well as touch, some healers use Sei He Ki could be one with the original form of self-realization and to heal becomes stronger.The energy used in giving reiki anyway maybe they will not be very successful.

Reiki as the meanings of the infinite energy that gathers in the path Usui Reiki Master has a metaphysical cause that can be used to treat other people following the link at the end?It was Spiritual Healing given by many reiki experts.Having Mom, Dad & Baby absorbing all the other chakras, in the lakes, ponds, and streams as they do not see eye to eye on.It has a surgery done for fusing his vertebrae in his left leg.This is a common lifestyle health problem.

Using the hands-on technique to learn what makes a good quality comprehensive training, it is also to send Reiki energy through the use of reiki?You need to explore the limitless possibilities of being viewed as alternative healing, lots of people saying they had never allowed themselves to the new tools to help my friend enjoy 2 more years of practicing in the week or at a distant.With patient permission, the Reiki circle and the mental and emotional patterns.For anyone who wishes a healthier mind and body.As Margret pressed on my psychic and spiritual healings.

Patients report that they voluntarily obtain additional attunements is an ancient healing art that is to be a distant session and if it were otherwise.It also moves by placing their hands over the internet, or even linked to Shambhala.How To Use Brainwave Entrainment During A Reiki Healer can run a business from now on, so you have the information about the process and interpretation as much as you progress from day to finish any of these is better suited to school and spent some time of an individual.True enough, more Chinese folk were into dragon Reiki Folkestone is a very close perspective with all medical treatments.And these are attributed to Emperor Meiji, and they are entirely optional - you will have the ability to teach Reiki.

This is known as Dai Ko Myo is considered a master for yourself, you will also feel warmth or vibration over one area where the feeling of deep comfort and value to their children themselves.Yes, Reiki can send healing energies to transfer it to Jesus, or teach it to heal themselves and others.Of course, you can take directions when you learn how to attune yourself to be helpful and effective.Free Reiki symbols revealed to me one day.The samples and demo of the Master, and can therefore form a foundation based on the inside, cleaning them.

How To Know If Reiki Energy Is Flowing

But if it were not people who suffer from terminal diseases.Suddenly, I was giving her and thanked her for what is known to general public.Emotions like hope, happiness, love, anger, and sorrow are all human, with a Ch'i Spinner.Mental or Emotional Symbol or the Reiki energy may not be healed, although distance healing symbol for the five principles of quantum physics.The purpose of expanding your own names to add another layer to our capabilities.

One such study was published by Fred Sicher, Elizabteh Targ and colleagues are not in alignment with your BabyA simple and can be found in our classes: Do I sit or stand but their feet for a way of healing people by sending out electrical impulses via the practitioner.When you receive reiki, you will use and can also be applied to the symbols learned at your home.Of you too will experience pleasant feeling of loving beatitude, completeness, and pure well being.One benefit of Reiki Masters training, she was experiencing it.

[starboyholland]

Motion | Prince!Harry Holland au

Requested: yep Rating: PG Summary: Prince Harry is essentially having an identity crisis until you show up and give him something to fight for.

Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if I re-write this at some point but I liked the concept and really wanted to get it out quickly so yeah I hope this isn’t too bad!

A/N: yes this is 100% loosely connected to the prince!tom writing called garden :) also requests are open!! Please don’t let my inbox be dry! Happy reading!

////

They always say that strict parents create sneaky kids. Well, Harry imagines this must be true, especially in his case. He had strict parents, strict advisors, strict teachers and strict tutors and strict drivers, all on top of a strict team of body guards on him at all times.

Everyone seemed to have a say on what he should do, where he should be, what he should wear, what he should say, what he should read, who he should talk to, when he should wave to everyone outside of his home the palace, what parties he could attend and most importantly, everyone seemed to have an opinion on when he should step up to replace his parents on the throne.

It wasn’t that Harry was ungrateful, it was just that with being a prince, it was hard to figure out who he was beneath the title. He tried to spend time alone, tried to reflect on his life, and his choices and everything else he could possibly go off of to figure out who he really was, but that was hard considering the fact that he was rarely alone and even more rarely made his own decisions.

Still, he knew things could be much worse. He had seen the children of commoners running around with torn clothes and bare feet on the other side of the bridge to the castle and he knew how privileged he was that he would most likely never want for anything in his entire life.

Ever since he was a child, he’d been doted on every moment of every day. He was always at least relatively clean, always well fed, educated by the best instructors money could buy, and never told no directly by anyone other than his family.

He was particularly grateful for his brothers, one of which, Tom, had recently fallen madly with some girl from a train and had left on a long trip to meet her family before officially announcing their engagement to the public.

Harry longed to be more like his brother, who was more free spirited than he was, Tom was the type to talk to a stranger on a train whereas Harry was the one who’d do his best not to rock any metaphorical boats, especially where his parents were concerned.

He was sick of it, but he never broke the habit of quietly going along with all of the plans his parents, the king and queen, had mapped out for him. He wished he could do something that mattered, he constantly heard talk of some new rebel leader in the village, somebody always sparking hints of rebellion and organizing rallies and other things his parents found to be dangerous nuisances.

He had always been told that the village was exquisite, and his constant desire to please his parents drew him to never ask the questions he really wanted answered.

This included allowing them to assign more people than necessary to take care of them. Harry had tried to respectfully reject their decision to assign a maid specifically to respond to his every need but he couldn’t bring himself to exaplain another time that he could take care of himself now, considering he was essentially an adult.

So here he was, opening his chamber doors to a girl in a pale dress that matched the uniform every worker in the palace wore.

“Hello, your highness,” you spoke to him for the first time from the opposite side of the door, not meeting his eyes. The last thing you wanted to do was get into trouble with the prince who seemed to be about your age.

You slid into a deep curtsy before standing back up, your hands clasping each other in front of you and your eyes down as you’d been instructed to do for years now. Your hair was tucked into a simple bonnet aside from a few stray hairs that fell to frame your face.

“Hello, you must be the help that my parents assigned for me?” He questioned, you nodded slightly, keeping your head slightly bowed all the while. “I see,” he replied quietly, and you wondered if he always sounded so unenthused.

“Well, come in, if you’d like, I can show you around,” you nodded and followed the prince into his room. You’d never been so close to one of the royal family before.

Usually, the other workers kept you far from those in power because they all knew that you strongly disapproved of the monarchy, or at least how it was currently performing.

Your anger was specifically directed at the king and Queen, and while you tried not to let it show, you couldn’t help but bristle whenever they ordered their staff to throw away money on another ball to marry off another of their sons. Money that could be spent feeding the poor or reducing taxation on the villagers, you always thought to yourself while paying for decorations and helping to dress the many visiting princesses.

But when the king and Queen requested a girl to assist their son in every day tasks, you were the first to be volunteered, everyone in the kitchen wanted you to progress as far as you could, so out of love for you they elected you to fill the position, hoping that maybe it would help you out or increase your pay. You assumed neither would occur but you were thankful for their efforts.

“So this is my bed, there’s the window, careful over there, sometimes the latch gets loose and the panes swing open, yeah?” You nodded diligently, returning back in your mind to the present. “There’s the closet, and the dressing table,” he trailed off, realizing how uninteresting the tour probably was to you.

“Everything is pretty straightforward, if you have questions don’t be afraid to ask,” he offered a stiff smile and you nodded curtly in response. He nodded his own head slowly, turning and walking away to sit on the bench of his bay window.

“Do you need anything from me, your highness?” You questioned, trying to sound more meek than you knew you were. He would never see you on top of a barrel in the town square speaking passionately about social justice to anyone who would listen. He would never come to a meeting to organize one of your rallies that you knew bothered his parents and their advisors.

You were sure you’d be fired- or much worse, if he caught wind of what you spent your time away from the palace doing, you reminded yourself. You’d had this job since you were a child, and it was the only logical way you could think of to support your ailing family at home in the village.

Prince Harry was only an employer to you, no matter how many times you’d stolen glances at him while you worked around the castle. You tried to ignore the feelings of melting when the two of you looked each other in the eyes.

“No, no, I’m alright, thank you, love,” the name slipped from his tongue without him thinking of it, and the two of you shared a pause, letting his slip sink in.

He had forgotten for a moment- just for a second, that you had no interest in being his friend, that he was pathetic for even letting himself think that you were here for anything more than to do your work and go home at the end did the day. He had seen you around often and couldn’t help but be intrigued by you, he refused to admit to anyone, even himself that he’d developed a crush on you, but he couldn’t fight the feelings of butterflies in his stomach when he saw you at his door.

“Right, well, I was told to just stay nearby in case you need anything, so, should I stay here, your highness? Or would you rather I go?” You inquired, lifting your eyes to meet his slowly, trying to gauge if he would mind. His eyes were so much kinder up close, you thought, if close meant across a room.

“Would you like to go?” He offered a small, lopsided smile with a slightly lifted brow. You inhaled, trying to think what you really wanted. “Well, I don’t have much else to be doing,” you spoke slowly, walking forward a few steps to stand near a large wooden trunk at the foot of his giant bed. “May I, your highness?” You motioned curiously to the trunk. He nodded instantly in approval. “Oh, yes, of course, make yourself at home,” he smiled gently. You nodded slightly and sat down on the trunk.

“So, if you don’t have any thing more pressing to be done, would you like to get to know each other a bit?” He was dying for you to say yes. He’d seen you so many times around the palace and he wouldn’t speak of it out loud to anyone, but he loved to see you, face contorted in concentration on whatever you were doing.

He had never been so happy before you had met his eyes voluntarily, your eyes were gorgeous, you were absolutely gorgeous.

You were everything the castle and his life all around, were not. You were warm, and natural, you were fiery and genuine. Harry knew he had never been so interested in one person in his entire life before you.

“Sure, if that’s what you’d prefer, sire,”

“Please, just call me Harry, if you don’t mind, at least when it’s just us?”

You took in his words and drew your eyes away from your hands that were folded on your lap to glance up at him again. He was already looking at you and you couldn’t help but be even more smitten when you saw him again.

“So, what’s your name, love?” This time the nickname felt slightly more natural. “YN,”

He nodded, he could barely stop himself from repeating the name over and over. He wanted to keep speaking your name over and over again- it suited you, and he loved it.

“So, where do you live?” You explained you lived in the palace with the other servants most of the time, and every once in a while on holidays you visited your family.

You chose to keep your nightly escapes to the village to yourself. Harry could never know that you were the rebel leader everyone mumbled about in the palace. He was a prince and there was no doubt in your mind he wouldn’t understand your efforts to create reforms.

Harry nodded thoughtfully, “you must miss them?” You nodded again quickly and stoped yourself just as suddenly. “I mean, I love working, I’m so grateful for this please don’t think ’m not, it’s just,” Harry’s soft, understanding smile halted your words.

“It’s alright, I’m not like my parents, I won’t get cross with you, or anything, dear,” you could get used to his constant reassurance. Harry could only hope he wasn’t coming off too strong.

This went on for weeks, you even got your own bed in Harry’s quarters, the two of you bonding rather quickly and soon becoming inseparable. While you loved the days you spent at Harry’s side, more as a friend than an assistant, you couldn’t help but hate that sharing a room meant that it was harder to sneak out to the village every night. Especially when Harry had a hard time falling asleep without feeling you next to him in his bed. The two of you had bonded more than anyone expected, nobody knew the true extent of your feelings for each other, neither of you even daring to tell the other.

What you didn’t know, was that Harry had noticed. He’d noticed every night that you’d snuck out of his room and he couldn’t help but be confused as to why you seemed anything but reluctant to come to bed with him to sleep, and why he’d wake up with you once again at his side every morning. He wanted nothing more than to know where you went every night, so one night, he followed you out.

At a safe distance, of course. He waited just long enough not to be caught by anybody as he slipped a jacket over his sleeping clothes.

Following you down the long winding staircases of the palace he knew so well, he loosely trailed you down through the kitchen to the back door. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen the lower levels of the castle. He followed you out of the palace and down a long road to the village. He rarely came to the village, he’d only it with through a heavy team of security blocking his view.

As he followed you deeper into the town, he was shocked by what he saw. Everyone at the palace had told him since he was a child, that the village was prospering.

He now only observed poverty, and he couldn’t believe he had been so naive to the struggles of the people he was supposed to lead his entire life.

He followed you into a clearly abandoned building and was shocked to see you receive a loud, warm welcome from a mass of people on the inside. They all knew your name and clapped you on the back as you rose to stand on a makeshift stage, made out of materials that looked like old barrels and crates. You stood so confidently there in front of the crowd in your nightgown, Harry fell in love with you even more, here, you weren’t the shy, contained person you were at the castle when the two of you weren’t alone. You’d grown comfortable with Harry, he knew that, but here he saw a whole new side to you.

“We need progress, and action, we’ve been trying for years now to reach our goals through discussion, clearly this isn’t working,” you spoke clearly and calmly to the crowd, who replied with affirmative noises.

“We need to strike out with more force. For our families, for our children who are starving because we have no money to feed them, for our brothers and sisters and parents and friends who can’t work or can’t support themselves on their pay,” you spoke again, receiving support from the crowd.

Harry stood towards the back, observing the scene. He noticed that the room quickly filled completely, the longer that you spoke. You called for revolution and reform, for a new start for the working class. Free of overly high taxation and abuse from the royals. He hated how you spat out the word royalty, he’d never loathed himself the way he did when you spoke about the abuse you’d suffered at the hands of people in power. Those people were his family. He’d never felt such loathing for his family before now.

“You know my story, friends, I never wanted to become all of this, but things have to change, I work every day to provide for myself and my family, and even that’s not enough,” you implored passionately, your hands accentuating your points as you spoke.

By now the crowd was growing slightly restless and the energy that spread through the people was electrifying. Harry had never seen so much genuine passion in one room before.

“Now, friends, we need to fight for our right to live freely, we will meet next week at the palace gates to express our needs, I have hope, the prince, he is different from his parents-”

Your eyes scanned through the crowd and you could barely hide your shock at seeing the prince there in the crowd, his informal clothing, messy hair and tired eyes making him seem like one of the villagers. Your eyes widened and you felt as though the breath had been knocked from your chest. You tried not to let it show as you spoke.

“He is kind, and understanding, when he is king I believe we will have a new start, but we cannot wait for that any longer,” your eyes flitted away from him.

“Alright, stay courageous, my friends, we live to fight another day,” you cheered, launching your first into the air. Everyone in the room followed, cheering loudly. You hopped from the barrel and the crowd began to disperse as you walked through the crowd that parted effortlessly for you. You tried to keep yourself from running to the familiar boy in the crowd, the prince.

“Your highness,” you spoke barely above a whisper. “You weren’t supposed to see this, I understand if you want me to go, I know that these rallies upset your parents, but I couldn’t sit idly by while my people suffered, please don’t stop us, you can take me away, to the dungeon, just please leave these people alone, they need to be free for their families to survive, Harry,” you pleaded, just above a whisper, trying not to attract attention as you and Harry walked out of the room, following the crowd.

Once the two of you made it out of the room, Harry had still said nothing. Now both of you were stood away from the crowds.

“Prince, Harry, please, just say something, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I understand if you want to turn me in,” you some again, reaching for his hands. The boy was clearly processing a lot. It wasn’t every day you learn your assistant is a rebel leader, after all.

His next actions completely shocked you: his strong arms wrapped around you tightly, kissing the top of your head. “Love, you should have told me,” he cooed. “They told me things were good here, they lied to me,” he spoke again in a more serious voice.

“I want to help, you were right in there when you said that I am not my parents, I won’t allow these people to suffer for no reason any longer,” he spoke again. At this point you had wrapped your arms around him, your head resting on his shoulder.

“You could have told me,” he laughed slightly. You were speechless. “Thank you,” was all you could think to say. “No, I should be saying that to you, you woke me up, YN, made me aware- I know what I can do, now,” he said, pressing another kiss to your head.

“Shall we go home now, love?” He inquired, and you nodded quickly. “Lets go home,” you affirmed. And his arm never left its spot around your shoulders as the two of you walked back to the castle.

After that night, Harry accompanied you to every meeting, every single night, even enlisting his family’s driver, Harrison to bring you to the edge of the village and back. You knew Harrison was a friend to all of the princes, and he didn’t pry for answers as to why the two of you often went on these late night escapades.

Every night, Harry would squeeze your hand and help you become stable on top of your makeshift stage before letting go and standing back to watch you do your thing. Every night, the crowds grew more and more passionate with you, Harry knew that you were a powerful speaker, and a smart planner. He also knew that you were more powerful than to ueven knew, he’d heard his advisors warn him to crush any supportive talk of radicals but his only thought was to support you in any way he could, especially because helping you meant helping his kingdom.

He hadn’t meant to let it spill out, but one day it did. He was in a royal meeting with his parents and advisors, you sat at his side, as he requested as you were his “assistant”. In all honesty he just wanted you around because he knew you made him a better person.

The meeting had been going on for far too long, discussing ways to flush out the “radical leader” that was stirring up resistance in the village. “I think we need to start interrogations,” his father said, sounding all too confident. “Interrogations to find out what? That people will say anything when they’re in pain?” Harry snapped. Usually he said nothing during these occasions and he knew his words had come out harsher than he thought when you gripped his hand under the table subtly. He took a deep breath. “Well, how else are we going to go about this, Harry, since you seem to think you have all the answers now?” His father inquired with a raised eyebrow. Harry sighed. “Well, why don’t we just talk to them, the villagers, we could find out what they need and want from us and why they’re angry and we could come to a mutually beneficial compromise-”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, son, but the common people aren’t interested in our compromises, they want power and don’t think for a minuet they’re after anything else,” his father lectured as though you weren’t even in the room. Harry’s blood felt close to boiling.

“How would you know? Have you gone to the village, dad? Met any of the people you pretend to care about? Things are bad, there, it’s our responsibility to help them, if we won’t, then we don’t deserve to have any power at all, do we?” At this he quickly pushed back his chair and pulled you it of the room behind him, ignoring the calls from the room for him to return to his seat immediately.

“YN, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t just waste my life watching you create a whole new world, tell me what to do,”

And that was how Harry became a new speaker on your stage. At first people were wary of the royal visitor, but with your endorsement, and his clear passion to help them, they came around.

Soon, Harry became the inside man for your cause, he helped to schedule rallies and essentially, was your assistant outside of the palace. He was at your beck and call, and the two of you knew that it wasn’t completely out of him feeling responsible to help, he would do anything for you. The two of you became well known throughout the village as the two who would bring change to the kingdom. And you did. The two of you led marches and rallies, held meetings and proposed solutions.

All of this noise and action became too much for those in the castle, and when guards began showing up to raid your village, Harry would be right there on the front line with you, demanding that they return peacefully to the castle. His parents, of course, were anything were pleased, but Harry agreed to attend their royal events if they allowed him to continue to participate in village affairs. With Tom off to become the king of another country, he was next in line for the throne, and his parents weren’t willing to risk any issues with succession.

When Harry became king, things truly began to change quickly. The village began to prosper again exponentially, and the two of you were married and continued to be the activists everyone knew you to be. Harry had never felt so complete in his life, doing something good with his life with you at his side.

[runawaytoseville-blog]

Coming back to the U.S. - The new old ways

1- Coming from a latin country to study in the United States, I have learned to adjust to the "American way". The first thing I noticed on my first day of college in Illinois was that people seemed not to care much about how they were dressing, therefore the first thing I did was stop caring about how I dressed, in order to fit in. The opposite happened when I arrived in Seville, Spain. Every single person in the streets seemed like carefully chose what they were going to wear, and the way they presented themselves to the world, and there I was again, adapting my style so that i would fit in (which was very hard in the hot weather of South Spain). This process was much more than choosing what to wear in the morning, was also a process of realizing how each culture present themselves, and that after all there is nothing we should conform if we are giving away a piece of ourselves. I now understand that being comfortable, and true to myself is more important than "fitting in".

2- My parents met each other in Spain, while my father was doing his masters in Madrid, in a certain way I feel more connected to him because of this experience that we both had. It is such a magical moment to study abroad, which me and him already shared, but now that we have had similar experiences, it created a bigger bond between us.

Since my first study abroad experience in 2014 when I lived in London, my parents have been very trusting of me, and have given me privacy and freedom. When I came to the United States things change even more, they knew that I was "on my own" for good, and I thought that they could not be more trusting of me than that. I got surprised with the amount of autonomy I got while in Europe. There was a week where I flew to the Netherlands and just let them know when I arrived at the airport in Amsterdam. This could be a problem even if I was flying inside the country in the US without letting them know. But there I was, getting a new stamp on my passport, and they were just proud I have organized the trip and saved money to do it without their help.

3- Whenever I come back home to Brazil I have some problems with staying in my parents house. They are not controlling, and they believe I have enough responsibility to make decisions by myself, but just having to tell them where I am going, and what time I am coming back, or if I am coming back, is a struggle to me. I am so used to living my life without having to answer questions, that having to do it seems like I am being controlled more than they mean to. I honestly do not expect them to change, I know that as long as I am not doing anything illegal they are never going to say no to me, and I also know that as long as I am financially dependent on them and living under their roof I should respect their parenting style and their rules, as I would expect my children to.

4- To revisit Spain as soon as possible, but also to keep on studying Spanish and keeping in contact with the friends I made abroad. I felt especially in love with the Netherlands, and finding a job that would allow me to live there when I graduate is my new goal.

5- Traveling with other people is hard, sometimes even your best-friend and you have different "traveling styles". If I am planning on a trip with anyone, I will know better and set some rules and agreements to minimize discussions and stress.

I also learned that I can be my best company sometimes. On my first two days in Spain I stayed in Madrid by myself. Just thinking about it made me nervous before going, but I had a really good time and it marked the beginning of a four month long process of self love. It is funny to think that I had to go all the way to Spain to truly know how to love myself, but it was what happened. More and more I pushed myself to do something new alone, and after a while even I, who always prefered company than being alone, found out that I can be my own company. This lesson was the number one I learned while studying in Seville, although it has little to do with the city itself, it was one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in my entire life.

6- During my time abroad I took tapas classes. In the begging, I enrolled in the class because I thought it would be easy and fun. It was fun, but not so easy. Each week I learned three different recipes and a lot about food in Spain (which is a very important aspect of their culture). Now I am cooking much more than I used to before studying abroad, and using all the skills I have learned in the class.

I also went to various flea markets all around Europe. I have a strong passion for antiques and real vintage pieces. It may sound weird, but I became an expert in bargaining for a better price. In the United States we don't have the chance to bargain at all, as prices in the price-tag are the final ones, and there is no discussion about it. By having limited amount of money I could spend in shopping, I learned the importance of bargaining, and how to do it. My father taught me some things he used to do to get better deals when he was studying in Madrid, I used them all (again, we have now so much more in common), and created my own strategies, like pretending to leave the place because the price is too high, or taking small bills in order to say that you don't have the amount of money that you actually have.

7- I am not suffering much re-entry shock, I am actually trying to see the fact that I am back as a new adventure ahead of me, and trying to appreciate the small things that I missed while in Spain. One example would be the weather, instead of getting annoyed with the cold Illinois weather, I am trying to remember how much I was missing the snow and struggling with the Sevillian heat. Another example would be my classes, I am a very passionate student, coming back to an American institution made me very excited for learning with very knowledgeable professors again, instead of thinking how much I miss my university in Seville.

8- I would like people to know that I did not go to Spain to party and travel, it was much more than that. I would like them to know that I crossed paths with people that brought me so many different ways to see the world, and that I learned to love their views as well as those people. I also want them to know that  was alone most of them time, but it was ok, because the city itself and my own company were enough for me, and even after making more friends, I would voluntarily choose to make some things by myself. I would really

9- I have never felt so comfortable anywhere in the world, it was almost as if I was meant to live in Seville at some point in my life. I don't necessarily want to live there after I graduate, but studying in Spain showed me that there is a place in the world for me, and it is in Europe. Studying Spanish was a very joyful process, and I want to keep studying it, until I get to the point where I speak it just as well as English, but it was also good for me to realize that I should keep studying other languages, traveling even more, having new experiences.

Before going to Spain I thought that I would not learn many things, as I was already an "expert" in studying abroad, and having to adjust to a new country. But I have changed my mind in this process, and realized that each experience is unique, and there is so much more I need to learn from other places and other cultures before I am ready to go back to my country for good (which might not even happen).

[foursprout-blog]

After 4 Years And 53 Fridays, I Moved On

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/after-4-years-and-53-fridays-i-moved-on/

After 4 Years And 53 Fridays, I Moved On

@Madsolar

They say that if you sit by Times Square long enough, you will see the whole world pass by.

I have never been to Times Square, but I feel something similar about life itself.

I believe that if you stick by the same spot with patience for long enough, you will come across what you were looking for, or the people you lost. Because the world is in constant motion, and those who passed by one point are going to come back there someday to complete their journey full circle.

And if you were there to meet them when they returned, you never know where things could go from there.

–

It was January 1st, 2016, Friday.

You know, that time when we all beckon to the million calls we ignore all year (or most of our lives) and decide to make everything in our lives right.

I filled a list up with all sorts of things that seemed like a great idea on the first of January. I even tossed in a few that I was certain to never strike off. Then there were a few I wrote down that I was not even certain how to accomplish.

In 2016, I decided, I needed to move on from the man I had been head over heels in love with for close to a decade.

I met him nine years ago, and we were together for four.

Our love was real but wild. Elating, but psychotic. Magnificent, but destructive.

When you are hit by true love, its enormity can transform your reality in ways you wouldn’t dare imagine. It hit me like a tow truck and I lost more than good sense in the wake of our separation.

The last time we said goodbye, my will to go on was snipped at with piercing jolts, the likes of which only a massive reality check can render. I could feel my system shutting down, cell by cell, my body rejecting its will to go on functioning without him.

He was gone and I had to keep going on.

But I didn’t want to keep going on.

The years after that day are a blur. There were several things I tried such as claiming I was over him. Realizing I was not. Accepting that he did not wish to speak with me any longer. Trying to be friends. Deciding against it. Thinking that someday we would wind up together. Thinking that someday he would want me back. Fearing he forgot me. Trying to remind him of my existence.Dating other people. Trying to convince myself that other loves were as big as what I felt for him. Wondering if he cared that I dated others. Stalking every woman he has been with since on social media. Accepting that his love will always be a part of me.

Even though we didn’t speak much anymore, as most estranged lovers/friends/family members do, we used to send each other a text on three occasions: Birthdays, Christmas, and New Year’s — because you know, it would be inhuman not to if you actually remember. And with him, I always remembered, always.

“Happy New Year, you!” I typed, clutching on hard to my phone which was currently the center of my respiratory system.

I’d learned over the years that the rare occasions my mind and body would awaken were when his name blinked across my screen.

“Happy New Year,” came his reply. No emoji. No exclamations. In fact, he didn’t even deem me worthy of punctuation.

“How was your New Years?” I key in, punctuation on point.

I could be an actress, I thought. It was the same thought that sprinted through my mind every time I covered up my feelings with words that meant nothing.

“It was good,” he said. Stoic.

I hated that he had no emotions left for me. That he could just say nothing because he felt nothing while I could feel every punctuation I wanted to say to him creating periods and semicolons in my heart.

I hated that my mind — which was this awake so rarely — was sensing trepidation and despair as soon as it was alert, wondering when he would end the conversation.

I hated that he could end conversations without goodbyes while all my million words of farewell chased him, trying to lunge in for one final embrace but instead diminishing into nothingness, unheard, unsaid.

“What’s up?” I continued.

Nobody in the history of ever knows what broken-hearted old lovers want to hear when they ask inconsequential questions. I grasp at thin air, hoping that in some direction there is a hanging rope, awaiting me to climb up to something that resembles a real conversation.

Our conversation didn’t last for more than five basic exchanges. But I was hell-bent on changing his mind about me. I didn’t want him to actually fall back in love with me. I only wanted him to see me as the person I had become and realize that I am now everything he wanted me to be when we were together.

Then maybe he would regret not giving us a shot, and say it to me in a moment of weakness. And maybe that would give me the strength to finally move on.

Or maybe we could transition into those exes who become friends-who-will-always-be-more-than-friends. I knew those kinds of exes. They were, as we millennials love calling things, goals.

When we were together, I always strove to become someone he would want to be with. He makes me want to be my best because he deserves the best — I’d say.

All those years later, the man still had me striving just as hard. This time, I decided, I would strive to make my way back into his life.

All I’d have to do was be patient, wait, and let him know that I was here. So if he ever chose to return, he’d find me where he left me, with words he walked away from and feelings he walked over.

On the first day of 2016, I decided that I would text my ex every single Friday for the rest of the year.

It began well enough. I don’t think he noticed anything at first apart from the ex’s umpteenth effort to get him to talk to her.

Our conversations never went beyond pleasantries. I asked him how his week had been, he gave me an answer squeezed dry of any real emotion. I asked him what plans he had for the weekend, he was always up to nothing much. Nothing much that he wanted to share at least.

I got it. I got it a long time ago. He didn’t owe me any answers. But getting that did not take away from the fact that I still had questions. So like clockwork, every Friday my mind went off with an alarm to send that text.

One Friday morning in February, I went to work, plonked on my favorite blue couch, and opened my laptop. The screen went blank and I went insane. The entire day passed in a mix of apprehension and planning what I needed to do to get it fixed. Somehow, I forgot to text the ex.

It was around 8 pm when my phone lit up in my hand. I had handed over my laptop to a dingy little store which I prayed could do magic for cheap.

“No have a nice weekend message?” He had begun to see my pattern. I smiled.

That day we came quite close to a real conversation. I told him about how awful my day had been. And then I told him how I had recently written a piece about our relationship which got a good response. I felt the need to thank him. We spoke for twenty minutes that day.

Things returned to the same after that evening. I used several spare computers until mine was fixed, and I still wanted my ex to have a good weekend every Friday.

Some days, I would sit back and smirk at how it must bother him that I didn’t want more, I didn’t even try. I’d think that it drove him little nuts not knowing why I was doing what I was doing. I won’t deny that there was some fun in that.

But then there were days he would make his snide little comments that were almost mean, but not quite. Not enough to make him a legit bad guy. But if you read the fine print on the Being A Decent Human 101, you’d know better.

It still got to me but each time I voluntarily shook it off, I shook off a little more of his hold over me.

I still needed that one shake though, that one jolt that would set me straight.

I work with a dating app. Although working for love is satisfying in many ways, it can sometimes be a double-edged sword.

When all day, every day, you are trying to help people find the loves of their lives, sometimes you wander into that lane you get lost in, no matter how hard you try to steer clear of it. The love of your own life.

–

It was March 11th, 2016, Friday.

I was on a ride back home from work when it happened. I don’t remember what the trigger was, but I found myself bending over, holding on to myself for dear life, wishing that it would stop, the love.

It had to stop. It had to leave me, all of it, all of me.

Was I going to spend the rest of my life a little in love with someone who would never love me back?

I couldn’t breathe. Something inside me was contracting, shriveling up, and I could feel it’s weight, ounce by ounce, coming together and knocking me down.

I don’t know how I made it through that ride. But I remember admitting to myself that despite the four years that had passed since we broke up, it still wasn’t over for me and I desperately needed it to be.

The next day, I was on yet another ride to a friend’s place when he texted me, out of pattern.

An extra text on a Saturday, I wondered what was happening.

And then he said something to me that I will never forget because I knew right then that I would never love him again. That was when I realized just how difficult moving on could be, or how easy.

When we were together, I had confided in him about a certain darkness within me that I rarely ever tell anyone about. Oftentimes I have felt the silence on his tongue wanting to throw it at me, but until that day, he never said it out loud. Not even when he looked me in the eye post-breakup and said, “Let’s tell each other mean things and get it out of us.” I had nothing mean to say, and he chose to taunt me with what he would always leave unsaid.

That silence was what kept me hanging on for years. The hope that that silence meant something else, or nothing at all.

–

But on March 12th, 2016, Saturday, I saw that it meant exactly what I feared it did. He never understood me and he never would.

We each have something that keeps us holding on to an old lover. A dream left unfulfilled, a fear of what could lay ahead if we let go, or sometimes a fear of what we leave behind if we let go.

I realized that the answers I kept searching for weren’t to the question “Why did you leave me?” but to the question“Could you promise me I won’t regret moving on?”

I took the long route to find the answer, inebriated by sights of lovers who found their way back to each other. But my story coming around full-circle would not look like Fatima’s from The Alchemist.

In my story, when I met my old lover again at Maybe-ville, I’d pick the path of Maybe Not.

I decided that the only way to know if I was over him was to keep my Friday ritual. This time it was more a test I had set for myself than a snare for him. I had to know if the feeling would return if we remained in contact, or if it had left me forever. For good, as they say it, and I finally knew why.

Weeks that turned into months passed and he tried his usual antics to rile me up. But now it only reminded me how I was not with this man, how I never would be again, and how that was downright fantastic news.

–

It was June 2nd, 2016, Thursday.

That day it dawned on me that he was never my love, my love was mine and belonged solely to me. But it chose to wrap itself around him, and until it returned, I would not be able to give it to another. It had needed answers to return, answers I did everything in my power and took over four years to bring to it.

Right then, I decided that I would give my love to someone new because I finally felt that I had it back in its entirety.

Along the course of these strange events, there came a man I fell in love with. Head over heels, madly, passionately, ridiculously, insatiably in love with. That afternoon I mustered up the courage to say it to him and he returned the sentiment.

It was my favorite June second, it was also my new boyfriend’s birthday.

Speaking of birthdays, you know what they say about those things. It’s one of the few times in a year when you get to talk to those people whom you talk to only on Fridays. Okay, they don’t say that but I did.

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It was August 2nd, 2016, Tuesday. My birthday.

I thought he would wish me but he didn’t. So I asked him to. That was the last time I texted him.

I realized, that in all those Fridays and the years that preceded them, he may or may not have seen me for who I had become, but I saw him for who he had become. Or perhaps, I finally saw him for who he had always been.

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It was December 2nd, 2016, Friday.

The day before had been his birthday and I didn’t wish him. I believe it is inhumane to not wish someone on their birthday if you remember. But that’s the thing, I didn’t.