#just my delusions so dont think abt it too much

[valmeme]

it could've been so good...

[jrueships]

isaiah hehe

PLEASE TELL ME YOURE TALKING ABOUT THOMAS

[yongseungkim]

.

[transoccultic]

seeing antis be mad at me for all my stuff is funny because like . they dont know i made transchildpregnant for meowself n its actually a very big id of mine that im very dysphoric about ( and by proxy get big euphoria thinking abt too ) ,,, to me it isnt a transharmed term at all ( can be to you idrc /lh ) n is just a comfort thing that i crave so so much ,, like its to the point that my delusions around it are firmly eulusions ( pos only ) because of the joy n catharsis it gives me ,,,

[kamiversee]

kami kami kami..oh how happy you make me with these chapters IF ONLY YOU KNEW. Anyways…

1. WHYD CHOSO THREATEN MY BOY INO LIKE THAT ! When i was reading i was like 🤨 cause ino did NOT deserve that fr. My bbg got so scared too like leave him alone choso🙄 and the fact that choso says ino was looking at her like he wanted to fuck her BUT IK DAMN WELL INO DID NOT MEAN THAT. my poor baby was so nervous and he couldnt even keep his eyes on the reader fr so whats choso on abt.

2. CHOSO??!?!??😫😫😫😩 why was he so babygirl this chapter. HIS LIL HUMS AND MHMS LIKE BLOW MY BACK OUT CHOSO PLEASE😫🙏 AND HIM BEING CLINGY IS JS SUCH A TURN ON TO ME LIKE YES LAY YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER AND CUDDLE UP INTO ME UNTIL UR IN MY SKIN. HES SO OH EM GEE

3. yuki. yuki yuki yuki. lord i KNEW i was gonna fall for that woman. The way you described her and lord the way she was sitting. I have never physically drooled over a character before but boy oh boy. AND SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH US ?? guys idk but i think she wants me ☺️ am i delulu or am i her solulu fr😫 i need her in me and if the next chapter is not me getting dick downed by that lady, i dont want it. (yes i do keep it coming)

4.Tell me why i misread the “best friend of gojo” and read it as js “gojo” I WAS SO SHOCKED I LITERALLY TURNED OFF MY PHONE AND SCREAMED. I was like there is no way we’re getting a chapter with both choso and gojo. After a minute of screaming, I opened tumblr again js to see “geto suguru” at the bottom..😞 the delusions have really taken over my brain. I need to stop thinking about gojo so much and go outside and touch some grass. Either way, I am not disappointed at all and I am so excited to see what the next chapter has to offer😈 (i NEED drama)

-🍦

ANOTHER ONE TO BREAK DOWN LETS GOO

1. Well, Ino & the reader did just flirt with each other a few nights ago so him looking at her like he wants to fuck her isn’t rlly tht off ^.^

2. I KNOW RIGHT UGH I NEED TO EAT HIM BRO😩 PARR THOSE THIGHS AND LEMME GOBBLE GOBBLE- anyways, yes he’s very bbg & ilhsm!!

3. I need her to js whip the strap out in the next chapter ngl😖

4. LMFAOOOO IM CRYING WAIT HELP😭 because im dyslexic I literally understand this sm HELP ME💀💀

[okkottsus]

I love reading your analysis of Nagireo!

One thing I was wondering, what do you think of Nagi (foreshadowed) future slump?

I feel like things will get dire for him, and I can't help but wonder how Reo would react.

Nagi feels very... emotionally immature and while Reo can be very fiery and we saw how emotional he can get, he's the one that feels more in touch with his own emotions and has better life experience.

For better or worse, being away from Reo forced Nagi to confront his own feelings more.

I wonder if Reo won't realize they got back together too early and leave him (this time maybe more amicably? Or maybe force himself to leave him) for his own sake.

Ego's dialog feels very ominous... they were very happy in that moment but there is a very sense of "now what?".

thank u so much, i feel like i never express myself well enough esp with characters and relationships im passionate abt so that means a lot 🥺

yeah i get what u mean about nagi's emotional immaturity...in the latest match, when isagi asked him how he was able to make his best play yet a reality, nagi  didnt really understand what had happened. he only wanted to beat isagi, that has been his first goal, the first step to achieve the bigger dream he shares with reo. 

and while he himself couldnt see that, reo was the first to notice despite everything that happened between them, so he created a chance for him to have a 1v1 with isagi. 

the problem is that, as isagi points out later, if u dont understand how u made something happen, you probably wont be able to be consistent and replicate it (this has been a recurring theme of blk since the start of the manga):

a goal that u only made happen because u had the person who knows u the best and is your closest friend give you exactly what you need in the moment, has little value in the grand scheme of things. Without a clear goal and reo’s help, nagi wouldnt have been able to do something like that. 

So the next step he should be taking is working on his weapons, instead of relying on the perfect opportunities reo can provide him with.

maybe its time for nagi to try and catch up to reo, and not only in terms of play-making 

but also in terms of self awareness 

i also love the fact that while reo can seem completely selfless when he declares this, he is also completely selfish, cause at the end of the day hes doing this for his dream, for himself. he loves playing with nagi and making him score goals, but his hard work which got him to where he is now doesnt rely on nagi being there, he hasnt abandoned himself in favor of nagi. 

BUT he still seems to always choose nagi over anyone when they are playing together and even though my shipping heart is tempted, i think thats not a good thing at all... cause their cooperation may be top class, but it also makes them predictable after a while. 

reo has learnt to play without nagi, but he needs to learn how play with nagi without forgetting everyone else on his team. 

so the way i see it, reo has made more significant progress than nagi, but he still needs to work on seeing the bigger picture when nagi is by his side.

nagi on the other hand has even more things he needs to work on. he shouldnt feel reassured bc of that one (miracle) goal or bc he managed to beat isagi once. if he ended up satisfied with just that, then he wouldnt belong in the world of professional players

Ego is right when he said that confidence and delusion are 2 different things. Nagi needs the power that will enable him to fight alone in any situation and to obtain that power, he has to confront his feelings, his weapons and his shortcomings. and that demands soul searching, practice and a lot of thinking, all things i bet nagi thinks are a pain pftt.

but i want to be optimistic and think of this as another challenge he (actually, both of them) will have to conquer. im very conflicted though, cause the way i see it, what reo needs to work on now requires them to be on the same team, while what nagi needs to work on requires alone time.

in conclusion, things may have worked out between them in terms of understanding each other, but im hoping they start understanding themselves more; acknowledging their weaknesses and taking the necessary measures to overcome them. 

i do think that reo the way he is now is more likely to realise what needs to be done than nagi, whose issues are the most urgent in my opinion. so i can def see them going their separate ways for a while again, whether its reo making that decision, or nagi, or both of them together (with the latter being the ideal for me).

[sohnric]

✍️ Fic authors self rec!

When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to other writers you know. Let's spread some self-love! 💛

ALLYYY i love talking about myself thank you for sending this in!! my masterlist on this blog isn't as big but i chose my top 5 hihi

millennium bug [eric sohn] - starting this list off by my most favorite tbz fic i've ever written and also the first tbz fic i've ever written hihi. i am a sucker for 90s au and this concept is definitely my favorite. hardly any plot is in this but i enjoyed writing this SOO much and i think my fluff peaked with this fic and most of my tbz fics in general HAHA

to. my first [kim sunwoo] - a spin-off to millennium bug HAHA. definitely my favorite child, very sweet, but also very deep on existential crisis. drunk sunwoo always my first love

paris [lee juyeon] - this was so self-indulgent. forever mourning my unfulfilled erasmus dreams. my favorite thing to write is longing and this fic encapsulated it SO much omg i think this drabble is very underrated if i say so myself. love everything abt it.

bigger boys and stolen sweethearts [kim sunwoo] - i love writing sunwoo as a wet cat i just cannot stop. sunwoo pining over a cool hot reader?? god the image of that was too good not to write. this fic is also a result of me consuming TOO much of british media also why do i kinda think the inbetweeners inspired this

sympathy subtraction [chwe vernon] - ending the list with my most fav fic ive EVER written i know its technically not on this blog but my old one bUT i am gonna forever mention it because this fic is a piece of me and i dont think ill ever write anything better than this. a bitch wrote 40k in 2 weeks under deep delusion and also managed to write something that she rereads often ?? this fic is very special and precious to me. <3

[schizosupport]

Hi!! I dont know where else to go but im suspecting i may be on the schizo spectrum? Or at least just wondering way too hard. And i have no where to look into more trustworthy specifics besides brief nformation about the common disorders (that i dont really think i fit into at all btw but then again im undiagnosed with everything so im forced to rawdog it and come to conclusions on my own) and no where to find information about specific symptoms that can be overlooked as "normal behavior"

I have psychosis and its been like this since 2018, slowly growing, getting more intense i guess especially during a traumatic event that happened a few years ago *really* increased my delusions. Thats the only primary thing i experience i believe, but now looking back i am unsure if i experience some level of hallucinations as well like thinking im seeing flies n such fly around me trying to bother me or bugs crawling near me in the corner of my eye. Though it may be because im sleepy or something as i like to stay up a lot! And maybe because ive dealt with annoying flies one too many times that im just paranoid abt dealing w them now.

this thought has been on my mind for a while (mainly speaking in terms of hallucinations) but recently i saw a post on twitter about someone asking if other people "have intense fear of monsters or the dark" before going into deph about how her brain is constantly afraid of her life will turn into a horror movie. Like "what if a zombie breaks into my house" and her brain imagining scary scenarios that genuinely terrify her when she does anything. And reading that sounds very familar to something ive experienced even to this day, esp if im alone at night or alone n looking into another room thats dimly lit.

I really do understand her fear of closing her eyes n seeing scary scenarios. Ive noticed ive weirdly been seeing stuff too, mainly faces and eyes that i would see when watching analog horror and it *really* terrifies me and makes me think that ive somehow spawned it in real life (esp if i think about it too much)

Sorry if this is too long. I normally do this when im rly stumped abt whatever brain thing i got n no google search can help me. I guess im just lookimg for some insight. Thanks! <3

"Also forgot to clarify that the person is recently discovering/coming to terms with that shes schizospec too so thats why upon reading that im pretty much going "....huh!" Bec this implies this may not be normal (i mean of course not but. Never really bothered to say or think anything about it until now)"

Hi there anon! I'm glad you're reaching out, and I hope I can help you a little on your way!

What you're describing, intense fear of hypothetical scenarios and "closed eye hallucinations" are both things that I can definitely relate to as constants in my life. I don't have enough information from just this ask to say whether your experiences are full blown delusional/psychotic, but regardless, it sounds like it's taking a toll on you, and have been getting worse. It's common for this type of experience to worsen with stress, so it's no wonder it worsened when you were going through something traumatic.

When I first talked to a psychiatrist about some of my beliefs, they wrote something that I later found kind of interesting, that some of my beliefs were like those of a scared child. As if I had never quite learned how to regulate that type of fear and my imagination would get the better of me. I don't know if your experience is anything like that, but from the way you described it, I thought that might be relatable to you.

The line between fear, anxiety and psychosis can be hard to define. One thing I've learned is that most people with "pure anxiety" are not having anxiety about bizarre or paranoid things, but about more mundane matters that have been blown out of proportion. But obviously there's variability. But I remember when I met my partner of now... 9 years ...? I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet, and we were both like "yeah I have anxiety" and thought we knew what the other meant by that. And then they were confused when I was like "yeah I'm anxious that the spirit of the lamp will steal my soul, and that people are putting poisoned coins in public spaces". But like the anxiety was similar, it's just that the things I was anxious about were odd, I guess.

Anyways, I'm rambling, sorry!

About the images you get when you close your eyes, that is most often described as a type of intrusive thought, and I've also heard people call them "closed eye hallucinations". I get icky and scary images like this sometimes, and it can be really distressing.

I hope your symptoms don't get worse, and I hope you can feel at ease knowing that no matter the exact cause or name, you are definitely not alone with having these experiences, and they are common experiences for people on the schizospec and people with some other related difficulties.

And if you find that you relate to the schizospec experience, there's space enough for everyone, and you are welcome here. Even if you don't fit any specific disorders or you conclude that your symptoms are "sub-clinical" or more related to something else, I believe in an open door policy and I think anyone with this type of experience can benefit from spending time in/with the community, and can bring unique insights to the table themselves.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm super tired today, but yeah that's my two cents I guess ^^

Edit: It might give you some insight to look into other symptoms associated with the schizo-spec, like negative symptoms, cognitive symptoms and ipseity disturbances :) I think that will give you a stronger idea of whether you are likely to relate to most of us 🌼

[yuukei-yikes]

Omg omg omg. Hi. Ok so idk if Shintaro would tell Takane about how he killed her in Route XXX (I kinda feel like he wouldn’t) but I definitely imagine that Shintaro is extremely guilty about it and the memory of it straight up haunts him at night sometimes. Dude probably has nightmares about it every now and again

Like imagine Shintaro randomly tightly hugging Takane and immediately apologizing over and over again and Takane is just “??” becuz she doesn’t know what happened!! She’s clueless! She’s not reminded of the horrors like Shintaro is!

Anyways thanks for coming to my KageTed Talk have a good day/afternoon/night

I AGREEEEEEE I AGREE COMPLETELYYYYY his ass WOULD NOT TELL HER but he's so haunted by it!!!!

shintaro sees takane and sees the person who was by his side over a hundred times and he even once killed. augh his self hatred and shit.... i want to explode theyre so best friends they love each other so much. they go everywhere together and are always together 👍

also them hugging ;_; _; ;_; shintaro is so bad with words so resorting to a hug makes sense. there's so much art of ene always clinging to shintaro and while takane (in my delusions) has her whole thing with touch i think she's naturally really clingy and touchy so she's also like. jumping on his back and surprise hugging him all the time and he's like AUGGHHH. i love drawing shintaro&takane hugs where takane holds him bc she's the comforter and shintaro is the pathetic wet washcloth that needs hugging.

GRRR GRRRR POST STR SHINTAKA CONFLICTS COMPLETELY UNRELATED BUT imagine takane having a hard time with something and the dynamic shifts and shintaro Has no idea how tackle the situation with a vulnerable takane. sorry the bit in the seventh novel where takane gets upset for like 30 seconds and shintaro's like. I DONT WANNA EVER DEAL WITH SEEING TAKANE DEPRESSED AGAIN. means so much to me.

ok i always talk abt it, takane would just rely on haruka instead, she also wouldnt go to shintaro yknow. but man shintaro would want to help he just doesnt know how to handle seeing takane like a real person. not so much like the ayano thing where he puts her in a pedestal, with takane is more like... he's used to seeing her play a certain role and when takane moves from it bc of her own problems, he's all out of orbit and he's like Whoa what. also like in the seventh novel he wants to scream and run if he sees her upset like Haha what are you doing ur the sneering girlie in my puter STOP CRYING STOP IT STOP IT THAT'S WEIRD.

i think interesting conflict could come from shintaro insisting to takane he's there for her and she should count on him and have take him into account whenever she needs a shoulder, like he makes a big deal out of that but Then when she really needs him he doesn't actually manage to show up. OR!!!! ANOTHER FUN ONE: he goes and tells her problems to haruka or ayano or worse EVERYONE ELSE because he assumes theyre gonna do a better job than him but he puts her in the worst position of vulnerability ever that she HATES AND IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE IN. like imagine he goes and tells haruka for example. idk What. like she's having a hard time with something, probably about her sensory issues (primarily i think she'd talk to haruka, but imagining shintaro is asking her to count on him too and her actually considering it and doing it). and chose shintaro to talk but shintaro just passes it over to haruka. and takane's like. ur going behind my back telling SHIT I TRUSTED U WITH??? and shintaro's like erm erm. hehe. shes not mad about haruka or whoever else knowing, its shintaro running away that she gets angry at. sry i have a whole fic written in my head

anyways. shintaro is trying to be a good friend to takane but their dynamic is weird and strange and tends to fall back to You dont know anything about me and I know everything about you (takane) and With a side of youve known me in this life while I've known you for over a hundred other lifetimes (shintaro). they make me crazy!

[prisonguards]

@astronomical-bagel

I am. SO terribly sorry about how long this took to reply to, my brain wanted to sit down and write an Essay for u but Ive been. SO BUSY. But seriously Ive been treasuring and hoarding this ask :) its SOOOO so so nice that other people enjoy them as much as I do and Im so happy I could help collect us a little with the tag ^--^ we are all friends now <3 EDIT ALSO TUMBLR ATE THE FUCKING ASK???? I did have screenshot of ur ask thankfully, Im soooo pissed tho idk where it went

So Im gonna go into my history with them a bit cause I kinda got into them backwards ig augshsg. Or at least different from how most ppl in the tag/posting abt them rn are. I was primarily a Traffic and Emp S1 smallidarity guy for the longest time! Funnily enough I was a late adopter of Emp S2 smallidarity (enemies to lovers usually isnt my thing) but the way the community latched onto it and got everyone talking about them really, really got me invested (also getting kin feels helped /shot. Who said that.) I think the other funny thing is that smallidarity is a dynamic where I like the platonic version (almost) equally as much as the romantic—I push for the romantic just because its easiest to collect ppl with a shiptag (although I did intend Smallidarity to be both a platonic and a romantic tag, ftr. Post both! Any! All!) and because I enjoy Complicated dynamics that are easier caught/categorized under a “romantic” lens sometimes even if they arent Necessarily that. But I just love when theyre important to eachother in general.

I actually have Such delusions abt their Traffic dynamic. Im so insane abt it. I think theyre good friends with Joel having slowly building romantic feelings for Jimmy throughout the seasons, which Jimmy is… pretty much aware of and would reciprocate—if Joel would ever ask (he never will). The Last Life dynamic in particular is one that haunts me, because it. Feels like their most amicable Traffic dynamic, at least in my memory, and in no small part of that is Joel pledging to avenge Jimmy (and Mumbo but this is a Smallidarity post isnt it). That small comment profoundly impacts my Traffic Joel characterization and Im planning to incorporate little objects of remembrance for Jimmy into my late game Joel designs. Traffic smallidarity… like many Traffic dynamics that captivate me… its about the missed opportunities, its about the lack of time, its about Tragedy… I just have such bad Last Life brainrot on the mind rn so this has been whats living with me Daily rn.

I also think their 100 Hours is one of the most funny and most OBVIOUSLY flirty dynamics, though I may get into that a bit more with another ask that I got recently, and, well. My Sorry Sir compilation covers a lot of it.

Double Life is what actually converted me but I cannot think of what the Exact moment was. I went back to my messages from when the eps were coming out and.

They immediately got me.

Theres so many good Traffic moments. One day I will make that clip compilation. I swear.

EMPIRES S1……… theyre best friends… I think it would be funny if Joel is independently dating both him and Lizzie and Then they all find out Jimmy and Lizzie are siblings and Joel is like. Oh jesus Christ my type is Even More specific than I thought. Fishkisser boy. Joel making the joke romantic montage of Jimmy before declaring hes gonna be proposing to Lizzie made me. Drop dead. This dynamic is Everything I craved out of them, watching this directly after Double Life and during Emp S2, when theyre most antagonistic, made me fully insane. I LOVE when theyre nice to eachother. So much. Best friends who kiss. Little design headcanon for them is like. Joel is Fully embellished by pearls he gets from Jimmy and Lizzie. I should give Jimmy n Lizzie azaleas to wear in exchange too auughh..

Okay finally circling back to Where We Are Now. Emp S2. These fuckers.

So Im delusional and like it best when theyre Soft right? So even though S2 lends itself So well to toxicity (and dont get me wrong. Sometimes I Gotta indulge) I rlly like making it cutesy as fuck. Joels obsession and complete infatuation and cute aggression is everything. Hes so infatuated with this guy he doesnt know what to do with himself and just is Relentless. schoolyard “hes bullying you because he likes you” type beats. Hes my moron hes my annoying king. I cannot remember if Ive talked abt my design headcanons fully but Im big on the Jimmy Was Human but Joels god powers are Changing That. I think its subconscious, hes not doing it maliciously, reality just bends to his will too much.

Also. Found my decision moments… these are from July 3rd.

I think. Overall the most enthralling thing about them is the care that underlies everything. That despite the endless teasing and bullying, Joel really genuinely care about Jimmy in a way he struggles to express sometimes. I think its really special and charming and compelling. I just have illnesses about them

[jrueships]

anon who asked me to post some of the nba player sun+moon combos that make me feel different degrees of insane.. grah grawh. unprompted and unelaborated for now. will reblog with more later because there is always more

I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL, idk if it's real or not & idc. it is fun & i like feeling like i am right abt things (i never am). leave me to my delusions please. im joking on these but also am i really

kyle lowry: ☀️ Aries, 🌙 virgo

what a bitch combo, people can't staaand you, huh! one moment you're having friends <3 you're having fun <3!! the next you're having a moment where you accidentally snap and regret everything but not fast enough for your friends and now all those friends of yours that made you so happy are gone and in the wind <3 with the only one left to blame being the only one left all alone : you <3 !!!

Ja Morant: ☀️ leo, 🌙 leo

do you even have your own personality at this point if we take away every outside influence youve tacked on to protect it or what. but hey, keep live, breathing, dying to the method acting, right 🥰 ?? cause when they hate you, it's not really hating YOU, huh? it's actually pretty genius !! ... i don't think YOU even know who's the real you at this point anyways, so no one will EVER hate the you you really are inside!! AND!!!!! they won't ever Love It either !

phenomenal acting ja! you're nothing without entertaining, as always 🥰 !! 🩵🩵

Anthony Edwards: ☀️ leo, 🌙 aquarius

'im not like OTHER girls'

* posts video of him being H*mophobic. *

Draymond Green: ☀️ pisces, 🌙 gemini

you could murder someone and still be the victim ( you have . )

JJJ: ☀️ virgo, 🌙 scorpio

the face of a man that would die if he couldn't throw in his stupid two cents into a fountain that specifically has a sign against throwing two cents in it .

Pg: ☀️ taurus, 🌙 leo

outside you're lovable until the wrong person (a person who actually DOESNT want to feed into the luxury of your own ego, WHAAAT😱😱?!??? NO FUCKIN WAY 🙀!!! ... AUTONOMY ⁉️⁉️) spends too much time with you for them to realize that you're actually a piece of immature shit. not even solid, liquid. the worst kind of asshole is an unpredictable asshole. because they can hurt the hardest and get hurt the hardest ( when it's least expected ). BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT TOO MUCH if you actively distance everyonee who DONT automatically feed into your own delusions and only surround yourself with people that do or make you feel secure to the fact that theyll never ever call you out enough for you to actually acknowledge how much your shit stinks!! because you devoted too much loyalty to them for that to even HAPPPENN!!! it's a COMPLETELY HEALTHY and MUTUAL and TOTALLY NOT CODEPENDENT relationship ‼️ they compliment YOU, feed into YOU, you give them what they want, work for them for whatever they want, you provide enough where they feel too weak alone without it.... or at least not Whole thanks to you merging to their side like a parasite BUT A HELPFUL ONE!!!! .. so they have no choice BUT to excuse your gluttony and your selfishness and stubbornness because man!! you just work SO hard, huh :( !! scorpios just HAVE to understand because they work just like you!! virgos too!! and cancers just HAVE to feel bad because you've done SOOOO much for them ALREADY , haven't YOU ? what a good relationship . it's so . ' loyal . '

they can't leave you because that'll tear out too much of the life YOU gave them !! they can't LIVE without you (now)!! and you know that because you made SURE of that !!!!!!! because you ONLY EVER actually try whenever it's what You want. if others end up benefiting from it as well. sure. whatever. as long as it always adds to Your wants and Your demands, they can have their little cookies or struggles or whatever other people face that aren't you .

( i just Know it eats him up everyday that he can't include cancer zodiac dame into his little circle of Close Friends That Are Close Friends Because They Agree With Me. i just Know It. )

double the loyalty with double the selfishness too! but you make sure only to hang out with the people that you KNOW need that loyalty so they can value it while excusing the .. certain cons that come with it. hopefully excusing it to the point of pretending it doesn't even exist!! that would be GREAT 😁😁!! ... considering that's the entire reason you did all this work in the First Fucking Place .

you're such a HEROOO, and if you can't be that... at least you can be mentioned as the sidekick! eitherway, you're getting the limelight you always work yourself (more like others) to view you in! congrats pg ! you really EARNED it.

deserved can be up to debate .

but wait, no actually. because you never let anyone in too deep that ever Dares debate with you! so nevermind . wow . congrats .

Deebo: ☀️ Leo, 🌙 Libra

leave me alone right now (DO N O T leave me alone i will CRY ) i just need some time to myself (WHY ARE YOU LEAVING M E ALONE?????? with TIME !?!?? to MYSELF????? WHOSE PERSONALITY CAN I BASE MINE OFF OF WHEN I'M ALONE ?@???? my OWN??!?!?!???) please just leave me alone or i might say something i don't mean ( please don't leave me alone or i might do something i might not mean ) i don't want to look clingy ( but let's be honest..) don't make me regret ( please )

Kd: ☀️ libra 🌙taurus

Keldon: ☀️ libra 🌙 scorpio

oh i just KNOW that preservation lying is Prominent and Delusional

Lebron: ☀️ capricorn 🌙 aries

all the achievements you already have pale when it comes to chasing after the unattainable. Living and yearning like a Gatsby

[brain4heartz]

Brim hcs? I love them so much my lil meow meows. (Personally I'm a Bram lover but sometimes I'm in a Brim or Jam mood y'know?)

i really dont have many cuz i think they dated in college for like... a year tops...

brian is bi but women think hes a dirty rat boy so he mostly dates men just cuz they like him more lol

tim hid his mental illness from brian for like...MONTHS. brian was like undiagnosed fucked up, so he wasnt judgmental when tim had a panic attack in front of him and told him abt it all. he didnt mention the operator, cuz at the time he was convinced that was part of the delusions.

brian was tims first friend, so tim met kralie through brian, but it didn't take long for tim to be closer to kralie than brian was (which honestly wasnt too close, but yk, it was clear kralie liked tim more hehe.) brian wasnt jealous or anything, cuz he was pretty annoyed with alex at that point. tbh this may contradict canon, i havent had a rewatch in months. this is what my heart says thooo idccc

brian blamed tim for everything. i always imagine brian as a very revenge driven guy. like i love brian, but i dont love him for how cute he is in that audition entry, k love him for how WEIRD he is as hoodie. i think hes conscious as hoodie, hes just spiraled after being alone in these problems for so many years.

[37q]

a conch's voice

kinda crazy... every time i want to do something, im like, would that have killed tyler? i wanted to vagueblog abt something just now but i thought, wow, any traumatized individual could read this as a threat on their life.

skrrrt, strolling down my eerily straight and smooth memory lane.

grand scale i always struggled with my personal impression -- what some would consider a classic audhd fight to be "understood" -- on my social world. perfect transing conditions of course, but no trans person mediates their relationship with "viewability" the same.

2011-2015/16 i was Big blogging as some persona that was abt as "real" as "i" could get. so much tsongkhapa and deleuze and baudraillard and butler yet i was still invested in mapping out who i was and how i wanted to enact that. flying by the seat of her pants as an adolescent / young adult with more self awareness than she could use! after a few too many pints of spilled blood in trying to reconcile the authenticity of those two selves with the oversized feedback loop i dug myself into, i realized the precision was the problem for me.

im very gullible. specifically, when im not working conscientiously i easily lose sight of who i am, my goals, the whole shebang. memory things, dissociation things... for a long time basic low self esteem things. i would much ratherve been someone else, and its easy to type myself into cognitive tension with my past! queen behavior was to distort how i express my feelings for maximum positive engagement and tie their psychological merit to their discursive application in the field.

2016/17 is when my endeavors failure hit me though, and the hobbsons choice was imminent -- (a) aim for total accuracy, put your whole ass out their for it to be minced and composted, blur the lines between your sense of self and your social milieu or (b) disappear, evade semiotic capture, obfuscate the publicity of human connection. razor thin or ocean wide.

2013/14-2016, the size of my voice broadening my audience to unacquainted bad faith or irrational actors, hitting its apex when i was peak suicide risk. i got too tired of broadcasting distant vibrations from a bleeding shell, singing of a depth unfathomable to our context, a stranger to my own ears. i was being so honest, but that truth looked evil in stage lighting.

so 2017-18 i consolidated my digital footprint and pulled back on the accuracy of embodying and expressing my sense of self, concurrent with psychiatric ego death during institutionalized dual recovery programs. i couldnt even think or write directly for a long time after that... weird to say it outright like that but my meds help me be honest with myself. no creation, no outlet, and no intention, but a lot of tripping and falling.

2018-2021/22 i carried myself with a sincere love and detached interpersonal expertise that lent itself to elevated aphorism. connected when i could and wanted to, extended and sought out support, found peers and explored new ways of life. tried my best not to embody anything. left opinions as batter in my brains mixing bowl.

i dont know... this piece became harder to write the closer i got to the baggage of my current habits. and its still so fresh. nobody deserved any of this. i cant compose anymore

the obscuration was the problem this time. too much empty space to project into, and too much exhausted passivity to cut away the embers of delusion. blood, bruises, scars, mourning and grief... rampant suffering over expectations and misunderstandings...

i want to post about nothing. i want to spread my whimsy, and be misunderstood. i want people to connect my meaninglessness to their feelings, and i want them to feel good about their mundane invocation. i want to be furious, i want to be awe-inspired, i want to be giddy! i want to be vague!!!!!! i want to express myself, i want to play and sing, i want to write poetry and stories and essays and rants on my page without sending someone into a spiral about who they think i might be!!!!!!!!!!!! please let us both live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[emailsquid]

ok spiderman p5 au thing that infests my brain is coming out

mostly based on ultimate spiderman and spiderverse since those are the 2 im super familiar with.

akira is spider-man obviously. after getting sent to tokyo because of the normal p5 reasons he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and gets the normal spider powers (proportional strength, spider sense, heightened agility), with the addition of being able to get a better read on people's thought process (i dont think spiders can actually do this but i wanted to reference the personas in some way) and induce a low level of delusion in other people, making them more likely to tell the truth with a spider toxin thing. you know the deal i can make shit up. hes initially unwilling to be spider-man until stuff really gets bad with kamoshida, and then is only willing to do it whilst disguised to avoid fucking up his criminal record even more. loves actually being spiderman tho.

sojiro is almost unchanged except stuff with wakaba is different but hes still gruff but comes to love akira in more or less the same way as in p5. hates when theres supervillain fights outside his cafe (oops)

ryuji learn's akira's secret immediately and encourages him to be a hero, partly bc he thinks its cool, partly because he thinks he has a responsibility to use his powers for justice of some kind, partly to get back at kamoshida for being a massive piece of shit. he stays akira's best friend throughout his time in tokyo and almost has his side.

ann is 2nd to learn akira's secret and also encourages him to fight kamoshida (im getting to him btw). She designs the suit as well and makes it with akira. she also wants akira to be a hero but is much more cautious and worried about things than ryuji

i have no idea what to do with morgana but im thinking hes gonna be another superhero, idk what tho. probably like a shapeshifter or something? more thought is required.

Kamoshidas like. a superhero who double times as a teacher, still an abusive shitbag but now hes like publically worshipped. hes akiras first big fight after akira spreads the truth about him with calling cards and gets him to admit to his crimes publically, at which point he has to run away in shame. partly i based him on kamoshidaman (although i dont actually know anything abt pq2 im just assuming) and also mysterio in far from home.

shiho is basically the same except ill bring her back into the story later for something. havent planned that far ahead. she will date ann tho.

most other characters i only have vague ideas for, such as makoto having an alive father (nothing bad could happen to a police captain father in a spider man story surely) and futaba developing tech for akira. its the only way i can think to get him webslingers tbh. for akechi i have something cooking as well but im writing a fic for this so i kinda dont wanna spoil that bc i think its cool. im trying my best to be accurate to the characters personalities ut akira will probably be more quippy than usual bc it just feels wrong for any spider man not to quip. so yeah. other than that i think he maps onto spider man pretty well tbh, hes got the public hate campaign, the saviour complex, the sense of justice, hes stylish and hes got a social life going on to manage at the same time. haru also has some specific stuff i wanna do with her.

also this is a marvel like au so other superheros exist but its an americacentric phenomenon however the phoenix ranger feathermen are real. idk what ill do with them but they are bc it felt wrong to only have like 2 superheros. there might be others too. idk. maybe its more of ust a superhero au with specific marvel ideas. wahtever.

if i had the time and skill to do art for this id love to do it in the style of the original p5 intro with limited colours other than red and black to white spectrum. it would look cool and set it apart visually. also it would look a bit like the guy she was intereted in which i love visually so yeah.

anyway yea this is a pretty specific crossover so cant wait for no-one to care but yea ill update this with more later

[topoillogical]

Made it home without collapsing to the ground in a sobbing heap so I'm calling that a win

HOT TIP! Don't hinge your entire future on one flimsy dream that when it flakes out under you you feel like a dead man walking

I dont think I ever REALLY believed I could be a math professor. But math gave me will to live, so... I had to believe. I kept the delusion up for a long time! Even the first couple 50s I got in math courses and the first ones I failed didnt deter me at first. I was stubborn and I tried so damn hard. But its not for me

I'd kill myself, but I'm too much of a weenie. I've attempted three times with over the counter medications and obviously was never successful. The last time fucked me up medically for a while, too. I think I'm done with pharma as a route, it's not plausible for me, I once took 12 tylenol nights and felt nothing (and when I actually attempted suicide, the amount of benadryl I took was so large that when I spoke abt it in the comments section of a tik tok abt failure to die by benadryl, multiple people accused me of lying because there was no way I could have survived . I'm fat and throwed up)

Anyway. If I'm not gna do suicide by pharmaceuticals I think I'm literally just doomed to suffering. I can't imagine how bad it would have to get for my insanely cowardly ass to try anything more violent or primally associated with death. But I'll never get accepted for assisted suicide because nobody ACTUALLY believes in bodily autonomy. I WANT TO DIE!! I would be dead right now if I wasnt so insanely incompetent

Come onnnnnn justice for pieces of stupid junk we deserve the same right to suicide as competent people

[needyclingyperson]

My Husband might not see this , maybe he will but !!! I really love him so much <33 I don't want him to ever leave me I wanna be with him forever !!! I can't even describe how much I want him to stay ... I just want him with me <33 !!! I hate people who get close to him !!!!!!! They get at my nerves at times cause it feels like they're trying to steal him from me >:(( I hate it. BUT ANYWAYS I love my Husband I want him to be a part of my life forever I don't want him gone I hope he realizes how special he is to me...<3 !!

Seriously if I cant have anything I want despite I dont ask for too much at least let me keep him thats all I ask ... I don't ever wanna lose him waahh ;;;;;;;; I'm clingy around him really clingy as much I want to get him away from people .. what if they think badly of me sobs ;;;; WAAH But I want him with me forever , He so perfect and divine ... No wonder people wanna steal him BUT BACK OFF HES MINE >:(( I honestly think they are trying to steal him bc if I noticed something I would think of it weird and if they show any crushing sign around him I will see it .. I mean I'm not sure if it's my delusions or if I overthink a lot I mean I do but like yk.. I could be making up assumptions but I think I'm not making up bc of how they act , what they do around him.. IS JUST SO UGHH.. It irritates me.. I get easily jealous but he still keeps up with me...<33 I love him for that<3333

MAKING THINGS LIKE THIS IS SO FUN BUT DID I ALSO MENTION HE LOOKS CUTE TALKING ABT HIS INTEREST AND BEING AN COMPLETE ENTHUSIASM ABT IT HE AO CUTE I WANT HIM TO ALWAYS TALK HIS INTEREST NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TALKED TO ME ABT IT SRSLYAHDHHDHR I WANNA KISS HIS CUTE FACE AND KEEP HIM WITH ME FOREVER<333 HE HAVE ALOT OF INTEREST I CAN LIST IT ALL OUT I THINK SOME ARE ASSUMPTIONS !!

CURRENT :

Kaitou Joker ( Most )

Welcome Home : The Puppet Show

Needy Streamer Overload

South Park

Maurie Leblanc Lupin Novels

Vampires

Horrors Story/Games etc

Gore

Gothic Clothing

OTHERS : ( Including Childhood one )

Boboiboy

Beyblade

Yandere Simulator

The Mandela Catalogue

Sally Face

Happy Tree Friends

Gacha

Bungo Stray Dogs

Undertale

Fran bow

Little Misfortune

FNAF ( Security Breach etc )

Lego Monkie Kid

Ejent Ali

Genshin Impact (?)

Cookie Run

Moshi Monsters

My Little Pony

ItsFunneh ( He used to watch them :;33 )

Flamingo

Kubz Scout ( Prefers both Kubz scout and Flamingo More ! )

Days Union

The Smiles Family

g0z ( Circus Myths )

Guest 666

The Mimic

Identity V

Steven Universe (?)

The Amazing World Of Gumball

Spooky Month (He likes it But He also hates it due to reason)

Six the Musical

Hamilton

Liar Liar

Urban Legends

Among Us/hj

DC

Mean girls

Heather The Musical <33

I THINK THATS ALL I KNOW I MEAN SOME IS ASSUMPTIONS

HIS BIRTHDAY IS AT JUNE 15 WHILE OUR ANNIVERSARY AT JUNE 8 2022

DATING FOR 11 MONTHS AND ABT TO HIT 12 MONTHS/1 YEAR<33

HES REALLY PERFECT HONESTLY<333!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCCHHHH<3333

I WANNA STAY WITH HIM FOREVER<33

Hes MY Cute Autistic Hubby and MY Wifey<33