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zedortoo · 1 year

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Pizza Autism: the novella

Pizza Tower autism and/or ADHD headcanons go go go!!!!

warning there is. So much under the cut. I go off about everyone's tism

Peppino:

-Middle aged man autism. Ohh my god this guy is so autism we're starting off strong

-Most of his stims are physical and are probably. Not the most healthy (biting, banging wrists together, hair pulling etc)

-He has arfid frfr! Despite being a chef he's very careful about what he eats, however most italian foods are safe foods for him.

-Struggle showing empathy, even if he feels it. Yall saw how he reacted to Gerome mourning John he was out of his depth 😭

Gustavo:

-gnome autism.

-poor dude can't understand sarcasm to save his life. Also really bad at comprehending deeper meanings and stuff... Honestly me too Gustavo. Me too.

-actually gets overstimulated really easily. he grew up in a place similar to the gnome forest in the tower, where the air was always somewhat humid. If there's a dehumidifier running anywhere he can practically sense it and will immediately get upset bc he is too dry 💔

-His stims are mainly vocal (i.e. "I'm going to kill you") but he also likes to bounce on the balls of his feet and rock back and forth!

Mr Stick:

-French autism

-Hes not actually a huge asshole all the time, SURE he can be blunt and come off as rude but most of the time the mean persona is a mask. His really close friends know he's just a weird dude

-(stole this idea from Olympe) He is a routine lover!! Has his entire day planned out as soon as he wakes up. If you get in the way of his routine you will be turned into an ambiguous ball of meat. He was SOOOO pissed off when he got stuck in the tower bc it's wasn't in his routine so he robbed the whole damn place out of malice

-Innapropriate reactions to sensetive situations. If he had to comfort someone it would be Joever for him.

-Represses most stims because he thinks he's embarrassing. When in private though he'll spend ages examining textures and smelling paper (I do this all the time it's so fun). Occasionally when he's tired or comfortable he'll let out a high pitched squeak that noone can believe came from that middle aged man.

-I could go on with more. I love talking about this cunt.

Pepperman:

-Capsicum autism.

-Also has inappropriate reactions to things. Has no vocal control either half of the time he doesn't realize he's yelling

-Has a habit of chewing on/wanting to taste everything. Ate several wardrobes worth of Polly pocket clothes as a kid probs. Has to physically stop himself from giving his art supplies a taste. Occasionally eats an eraser still.

-If someone reorganizes his shit they WILL be killed this dude knows exactly where everything he needs is he has his own fucked up system

-Mainly uses stim toys. Has a collection of high end custom made ones but is too afraid of wearing them out so he chews on a toy dog bone instead and it's mangled to BITS

Vigilante:

-Cheese autism.

-This dude has know idea what autism actually is. He knows he's different compared to a lot of people, but he's never had the right word for it.

-Strong sense of justice. If something is wrong he WILL set it right. He got super upset when he realized Peppino wasn't actually an outlaw and he had tried to kill an innocent dude

-HATES HATES HATES processed foods. says he can taste the chemicals.

-Doesnt really stim in public. He'll tap his boot or spin the barrel of his gun if he gets really overstimulated but he much prefers to just pet some of his farm animals until he feels better

Noise:

-Rat autism!!

-This dude constantly needs to be overstimulated he loves it. If things are too quiet he gets super upset and starts bouncing off the walls and shit

-HATES the texture of carbonated drinks but forces himself to drink them because the flavour is worth it.

-Hes has like, three masks on at all times. There's the feral showbiz fella we all know and love, then beneath that is a more controlled businessman type, and beneath THAT is another, slightly less feral rat man.

-goes semi verbal sometimes. Everything just gets tangled up in his mind and he can't spit out the words he wants. He hates it when this happens during a show.

Noisette:

-Bunny autism!!!

-classic weirdgirl type. Would totally read warrior cats and roleplay as a cat on the playground as a kid.

-Also really bad with understanding emotions. You have to tell her specifically if she's upset you or something otherwise she just will not realize.

-makes a lot of vocal stims. Mainly just little beeps and stuff (I like to think she'd make that one jerma substitute teacher noise. Does anyone know what I'm talking about) Also loves to rock back and forth!!

-Has texture issues. She personally disposed of all the Sherpa fleece in the tower.

Fake peppino:

-autism supreme.

-like fr this dude is just the embodiment of autism. it eats vaccines to get more autistic/j

-cant understand when it's making someone upset. Actually, similar to Noisette, is bad at perceiving negative emotions overall.

-mirrors a lot. I mean that's like an integral part of their character. They mainly take after Peppino but will start acting like someone if he's around them long enough.

-melts into a puddle when overstimulated. Honestly? I wish I could do that too.

-Mainly mirrors stims from friends. It freaked everyone out when they started repeating Gustavo's catchphrase.

Pizzahead:

-PIZZA AUTISM!!!

-horrible moral compass this dude will do anything she wants and genuinely won't see what's wrong with it. Case in point the whole of pizza tower

-used to mask her true silly self a lot to be considered more 'normal' but decided normal ppl were boring as hell and dropped the charade

-arfid haver!! Loves pastries and breads and stuff, basically refuses to eat anything else. Has a personal vendetta against cantaloupe and has vowed to destroy it all bc he hates it soooo much

-taps his foot as a stim!! Also likes to jump around and the like, will rapidly shake their fists if incredibly excited

Gerome:

-Rock autism

-This guy loves his own company. Sure, he'll happily be social, but drops the mask as soon as he's alone. Just likes to be alone!

-Also not big on touch. The only person who's allowed to lay a finger on him is John, if anyone else just like. pats him on the back he will freeze up.

-loves being a janitor because the job is mostly repetitive. He cleans each floor in his own order, he has it all sorted out!

-loves bath bombs and stuff. Really likes the smells and just the fizz and the way they crumble in his fingers. Sometimes he'll just throw one in the sink and watch it for ages

-makes this weird clicking noise in the back of his throat as a stim. It's a rather unsettling noise but it's really the only way he stims in public. When alone he likes to feel textures of different things

John:

-hivemind autism!

-I feel bad for this dude man imagine having your being spread out through several different pocket dimensions and all of them have different textures and shot this poor bugger must've been overstimulated for years

-very blunt. Says what he wants with no remorse. Also doesn't have any volume control so often doesn't realize he's yelling

-I imagine when he was resurrected and was no longer a hivemind he had to take a long time alone just being himself. Duuuude imagine having to mask for YEARS because you were never ever alone I would lose my fucking marbles

-opposite of his brother, he doesn't understand personal space. Will often accidentally get I'm ppls faces because he doesn't realize how close he is to them. This also makes him somewhat clumsy and he has a habit of running into things

-Mainly has facial/expression stims. Will pull a big ol' grimace if something goes wrong and grin like an idiot when happy (see: when he got revived)

#Oh god. Tagging time.#pizza tower #peppino spaghetti #gustavo pizza tower #mr stick #MR STIIIIIIICK #pepperman #the vigilante #the noise #Noisette #Fake peppino #Pizzahead #gerome pizza tower #pillar john #Autism

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batmanego · 4 months

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listen to me. LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY THINGS. ARFID IS AN EATING DISORDER. I AM NOT MAKING WORDS UP I AM TELLING YOU A FACT ABOUT A DISORDER I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH. I WILL KILL YOU

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 5 months

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Hello. So I'm having a battle inside of my brain. I've been following you for a while now, and I'm also in recovery for anorexia and bulimia. I'm also a newly graduated medical doctor. This means I know a lot about the human body. Which is exactly my point now. I try so, so hard to eat 'intuitively', listen to my body, and be okay with gaining weight, and I try to be in body positive and fat acceptance spaces (1/2, I will continue in next question)

(2/2), but I also know and I have seen with my two eyes, and treated with my own hands, the consequences of not eating healthy or being at an unhealthy body weight. I live in fear that If I eat and eat because I'm trying to recover, I'm gonna have the opposite health problems. I bring it up to my psychiatrist and psychologist, and they tell me there is no unhealthy food. But there is. And I just don't know how I should go with my recovery like this. Any advice for this? thank you for this blog

So I had to take a bit of time to think about the best way to articulate answers for you, because there are some complex and often competing needs addressed on my blog. I think it's important that you get an answer to your question, but I wanted to be careful to go about it in a way that wouldn't cause harm to anyone else. So I'm going to make my best effort, and putting it under a cut because it will be long and some who are triggered by medical views on fatness may prefer not to read on.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. Having a battle in your brain, as you say, sounds like an agonizing way to live. I hope that you are able to work through it.

Now, as you may know if you frequent this blog, eating disorders are complex and varied. Bodies and their workings are complex and varied. Some people do experience a variety of health conditions that are influenced by what they eat, so for these individuals, they may be best served by making choices accordingly. These choices can also be incredibly complex in this world - you may have seen a recent ask I recieved, for example, about somebody whose husband was just diagnosed with diabetes. The asker was stressed about learning to prepare foods for them both in accordance with his strict diabetes-friendly diet would trigger their restrictive tendencies from their eating disorder. So as you can see, the dietary choices that might be in his best interest might not be in the best interest of the asker. But them being married, I'm sure they would like to share meals together, so following a diet that suits them both is complicated. Difficult choices will have to be made at every juncture.

Gluten is not inherently bad or evil. Unless you have Celiac disease, in which case gluten is actually going to kill you slowly. You need to monitor your salt if you have high blood pressure, but if you've been diagnosed with POTS, you may actually need more salt, and lots of it. I myself will occasionally snack on chips, but never Funyuns. There's nothing inherently wrong with them, but they were invariably a trigger food for me to binge, so I stopped bringing them into my house. But this doesn't make them an unacceptable snack choice for everybody else.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Different people are experiencing different circumstances, and may need different things. Just because a food is particularly bad for one person doesn't make it a "bad food" unilaterally. Even the kinds of foods we consider "junk foods" can be tolerated by our bodies in moderation - well, most of our bodies, anyway. Now there are some people who have eating disorders like ARFID, where they literally cannot eat most foods and must veeery gradually expand their palate. For these individuals, we say "no food is bad food" because, while you might not like to see a person living on, say, saltine crackers or potato chips alone, they will literally starve without it, and so eating the food they can eat is preferable. For these individuals, that sleeve of saltine crackers can be a lifeline. Or take anyone who has a complex gastrointestinal disorder. Ask anyone with Chrohn's about their gut and its complicated relationship with fruits and veggies, a staple segment of the food pyramid touted by most doctors for its immense health benefits. Eating what you can will keep you alive and as healthy as possible in cases like these.

Now, there are people who are impacted in complex ways by the kinds of foods I'm guessing you're describing - things like chips, candy, fried food, processed/instant food. So in this case, do keep in mind that when an individual has a diet consisting largely of these types of foods, there are often complex genetic, epigenetic, and socioeconomic factors that are influencing the way their bodies naturally work and the way their dietary patterns have been established. I do understand how easy it is, at first glance, to just point at their diet and assume that it's easy and sustainable to change it, or that it would be a fix-all. But those same factors that contribute to the development of those complex health issues are often ongoing into the life of the affected individual, not to mention financial and social complications that may make it difficult to change things. But again, just because you've identified a certain food as detrimental to a patient's specific needs doesn't mean it's the same in regards to your own body's needs. Especially if these foods cause a trigger reaction for you to restrict or become obsessed with food "purity."

Now I know that in your work you say that you've treated with your own two hands the results of eating unhealthy foods. But I want you to get honest with yourself here, because you're not mentioning the experiences of the doctors who have treated and seen the damages of restrictive eating disorders. Both anorexia and bulimia, when sufficiently progressed, can cause lasting damage to the body even years into recovery. And they can also cause death. Surely a bag of chips or a cookie every now and again can't be more unhealthy than that? I'm hoping that you can take the time to periodically remind yourself of this, and to remind yourself that your own bodily needs are your own, and that paying attention to what YOUR body needs is self-care.

I know it's hard for an eating-disordered mind to listen to logic, but I'm truly hoping that you can overcome this for your own sake as well as for the sake of your patients. Anon, medical fatphobia has a long history of damaging patients. I know this because I myself have seen it happen. I've told the story before of my friend who was raised by hippies, fed all-organic snacks and kale chips, never allowed a hydrogenated oil, and was still fat growing up. I watched this person reduced to eating saltines and a few bites of apple per day when they were suffering with gallstones. It was all they could eat, but because they were fat, doctors assumed that their gastrointestinal distress must be caused by an excess of fatty foods in their diet. They lived on apple slices and saltines for months, still suffering pain all that time, before they were correctly diagnosed. Can you imagine what it did to their body, to live on such a restricted diet for such an extended period of time? This was not the only time a missed diagnosis threatened their health because all doctors saw was the fat. This person also starved themselves for a few years after being taught to do so at fat camp, and their anorexic behaviors were never called out because even though they did lose weight, they never ended up "skinny" at their lowest weight. But that starving certainly couldn't have been better for them than just living fat - their vision was blacking out every time they stood up! Anon, I hope you don't mind if I speak to you honestly about this. It's hard to gain a full honest medical history from every patient and patient family member you come across, because healthcare is a complicated field. But you cannot let your fear of fatness dictate the way you hear and see your patients. Yes, even if they're not following their prescribed diet. Yes, even if food is a contributing factor in their particular case. (And do keep in mind that a patient's refusal to change diet may come from a place of complicated factors, financial, social, emotional, you name it. Compassion will get you farther with them than judgment, and may even help you get a fuller story.) But do it for yourself, too. And listen to your body. If a food makes your body FEEL well and nourished, then it wasn't a bad food. And you deserve to be well fed and embark on your own healing journey. I hope you find the self-worth to believe that.

Because honestly, food deprivation affects your metabolism. You may experience the notorious anorexia recovery hunger as your appetite reemerges, and you will need to give your body what it needs in order to develop a pattern of being healed in both body and mind. You can keep nutritious options around for that, but I think you may need to keep working on your fear of "snack foods." Your metabolism may be changed as well, and so yes, you may gain back more weight than you had envisioned, or your body shape may be different than you had expected for a little while. Sometimes the weight distribution is a little weird during that regaining phase, and that's okay and does not determine your worth. You are going through a medical event and deserve to be compassionate with your body and soul as that happens. In fact, that is the only way you can heal your mind. Because, even before you look to your patients and the ideal steps for their specific health needs, you need to prioritize yourself and look to your own individual needs. So to recap, periodically use these reminders.

"Just because a food is bad for that other person doesn't make it a bad food. My dietary needs are my own."

"There's no food unhealthier than an eating disorder."

"I will look inward at what my own eating behaviors have done to my health, rather than ruminating on that patient's eating behaviors."

"I'd rather gain weight than hurt my body again."

"My thinness does not reflect my worth."

Feel free to add on as you progress in your recovery journey. Best of luck, in that and in your career. It's certainly not an easy one. Do your best, be open to learning, and remind your eating disorder that your therapists are right even if it doesn't want to listen to logic. I hope that when you are able to bring yourself to eat your next treat, you enjoy it thoroughly.

#intuitive eating #ed recovery #F/O/F #medical fatphobia #food purism #food purity #ana recovery #mia recovery #restriction recovery #orthorexia

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bustafe · 3 months

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this might be stupid but i camt understand people's animosity and anger over people with arfid, like seething with anger over them being "picky eaters" (when arfid isnt just that but they refuse to learn how its actually like), like even if that person didnt have arfid and was simply just picky. them being picky doesnt kill you????

#and most picky eaters i know do their best to not inconvenience anyone if theyre eating out #a lot of 'picky eaters are assholes they force ME to eat THEIR food' are simply lies. sorry #why are you so mad that they dont wanna eat a certain smth...#teutablogging

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cymtime · 9 months

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(ooc pinned post!)

(i realized that i should probably do this, so lets go!

first off: this blog is run by me, blu! my main is @bludraws094

secondly: this is a storytelling project inspired by chonnys charming chaos compendium. it covers some darker topics, so if you are not in the mental space to read about things like depression, suicide, disordered eating, transphobia, and homophobia, this is not the blog for you. posts will have proper warnings, and the darker ones will be hidden under readmores, but these topics are important to the story

basic overview

quartz is a queer sixteen year old who is still figuring out their identity. they are diagnosed with adhd, and have multiple undiagnosed mental disorders, including autism, ocd, and arfid. they prioritize taking care of others over themself, and struggle with depression

after one specific incident caused by them not taking care of themself, c y and m, the manifestations of their present, past, and future respectively, are born, and they are forced to be an observer to their own life

i will do my best to portray their disorders accurately, using both my own experiences and the research i have done on these disorders.

i would like to add that c y and m are a metaphor taken literally, and they are not a system. you are free to relate what they go through to what systems go through if you would like, but please keep in mind that this is not intended to be accurate to what did, osdd, and any other similar disorders are like.

boundaries (this part may be edited in the future)

fanart: YOU DONT NEED TO ASK, GO AHEAD. if you post it, please tag this blog in it (i dont mind being tagged, i promise), but if you dont want to post it you can send it in an ask and the characters will react to it. or you could do both!

asks: no nsfw beyond things like "i fucked your mom" (they are all minors), no toilet humor beyond things like the flag of japan post, no "im gonna kill myself" jokes (i know that this blog contains topics of suicide, but i dont feel comfortable with people making jokes about killing themselves. you can say "kill yourself" though, thats fine), and no being homophobic, transphobic, ableist, racist, or any other "phobic" or "ist". anything else is fair game as long as its reasonable

shipping: no.

headcanons: as long as they arent proship/comship, and dont directly contradict canon, go ahead!

that is all, have fun reading and interacting!)

#important post #ooc

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blackmetalstar · 20 days

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it makes me so sad when people want to look like…unhealthily skinny. Like im underweight and hate my body, and whenever someone tells me they wish I had my body it breaks my heart. Like no you dont. I may be a little better now, but back when I was malnourished and quite literally dying, people would come up and be like “id kill to have ur body”. Then i got hospitalized and almost d1ed from organ failure. It just…makes me so sad. Its fucking hell being this thin. like i am DESPERATELY trying to gain weight. its something ive wanted for years now but I have ARFID and it makes things so difficult. idk, im ranting bc ive been coming across thinsp0 and pr0ana blogs and its been triggering me. I think i need to make a DNI section in my pinned post.

#tw weight #tw eating issues #tw eating disorder

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parasprite · 1 month

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diet culture rant. tw for discussions of orthorexia

I HATEEE the phrase "processed foods" god damn it. i watched a video about something unrelated the other day where a woman mentioned that she "cut out processed foods" and just hearing that has totally killed my appetite this week

to me that genre of diet culture language is implicitly classist and ableist cause obviously the people who rely more on "processed" food are people who don't have as much time, money or energy to shop or cook. but these middle class work from home people can just be like "yeah i only put whole foods in my body and it makes me feel so much better" and it pisses me off SO FUCKING BAD‼️

cause like idk. the whole idea of there being a good food vs bad food dichotomy is incredibly triggering to me. even though i know it's all diet culture bullshit it still makes me start overthinking and losing my appetite. growing up my parents would have extremely overblown reactions if i ate the wrong thing (my mum especially likening certain foods to "poison") so. probably something to do with that. and this is not even anything to do with weight cause if anything i really wanna Gain weight which is why im so pissed off that shit like this nerfs my appetite. it doesn't help that "processed" is a meaningless term... literally everything is processed dipshit. smoothies are pureed fruit, that's processed. milk is pasteurised. grains are processed into flour. meat is butchered and mashed up. yogurt and cheese are fermented. herbs get dried and ground into little flakes. fruits and vegetables get processed into boxes and cans and bite size pieces, juiced and freeze dried and cooked into a sauce. everything gets washed.

anyways i feel like orthorexia is so incredibly common and insidious in our society these days and people fucking promote it at every turn. no restrictive eating is not healthy. keto is not healthy. whole food diet is not healthy. non gmo is not healthy. id say "unless your doctor recommends it it's not healthy" but doctors are fucking ableist and fatphobic so fuck that. you don't even need to eat a "balanced diet" cause plenty of folk with arfid eat the same thing every day and they turn out totally healthy. if your blood tests say you're deficient in something you can just take gummy supplements its fucking chill. people can eat whatever the fuck they want. cause when diet culture gets into peoples' heads and makes them start overthinking all their food choices, That's how you make folk starve themselves, shame themselves, and take away a hugely important piece of their agency and choice.

#ok honestly it really helped me to write that all out. im gonna go uave some chicken nuggets now

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dimonds456-art · 9 months

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vent art below the cut, as well as an explanation for it. it's a mess on purpose. read the tags.

Starting off positive, here's how I draw myself now :) Style improvement! And my mustache hairs are growing in and one of them is over a centimeter long and it's my pride and joy.

okay now onto everything else. fucking help me. /ns

Gonna start with the butterfly imagery, since it's a reoccurring theme when I talk about my disabilities. The butterfly is because of my Graves Disease, which is a subgenre of hyperthyroidism. What's that? Uh basically there's a gland in your throat called the "thyroid" that's shaped like a butterfly, and it's responsible for your ENTIRE METABOLISM, and mine decided to do cocaine one day and never stopped. This results in increased heartrate, shaky hands, dizziness, and an eye disease where your eyes swell and can make you go blind if not treated.

(and no mine is not currently being treated so. :) )

I've had Graves since middle school, and I will for life. For reference of how bad it got before I got treated after 6 months of suffering, if I ran around outside for 5 minutes my heart rate could get up to 220 BPM. Which can kill you. Somehow I only ever saw stars once.

The next imagery I wanna point out is the layers on me. I show some things as brighter, and there's two layers like that- a bright one and a much dimmer one, which is why I kept this a sketch. The bright one is the surface-level disabilities, such as joint weakness, my eye disease, and my swollen thyroid. The dimmer one is my brain and skeleton. I have never actually broken my bones, but for some reason these days, joint weakness has me and they'll just fucking stop working sometimes for no goddamn reason.

The diamonds on my shirt is obviously a reference to my name, "Dimonds456." The design was actually made by my abuser, and so I actually am starting to have some second thoughts about using this particular design despite how much I love it, thus the shattered idea. Plus, diamonds don't break- they shatter. I'm about to shatter, too, so it's just like me fr.

After that, the text all around me. There are three layers. Let's talk about the black ones first. Those are all my disabilities. That's it. To make it easier to read, they're:

Autism

Anxiety

PTSD

Mental regression (probably because of all the other mental shit I'm dealing with)

Depression

ADHD

Weakness in joints

Inhaler as needed

Tires easily

Abuse

Graves Disease

On meds for life (methimazole literally keeps me alive)

Eye disease

Prone to falling

Eating disorder: ARFID ?????

Asthma

Audio processing disorder

Trauma

:,)

Then, the blue layer. The blue and red layers and kinda having a conversation with each other, with blue being my inner monologue and the red ones being still that, but more intrusive and hopeless. The blue thoughts range from "I can't do this" to "I want to," to "Wait, this is too much" to "STOP" to "THIS IS TOO MUCH" and various stuff like that.

The red texts are much, much more negative. "Running out of time." Never safe. I will never feel safe." "My own body wants me DEAD." "NEVER SAFE." "WHAT IS SAFETY?!" these are my intrusive thoughts, and... yeah. My anxiety and trauma already make me feel like I can never be safe in the spaces I'm in, so when I do actually feel safe with the people or location I'm in, my body's there to remind me that no, I'm not. Because I could literally just die at any goddamn moment.

Which brings me to the scythe. The Reaper. He's close. I'm running out of time. To do what? I don't know, live? Impact people? Fucking exist?

The clock shows that, too.

Finally, the dialogue bubbles. The straw that broke the camel's back in terms of me making this art. My recent doctor visit. I'm trans. I'm a demiboy who just wants to figure out what my fucking gender is. I know I want top surgery, but the dr says I HAVE to start HRT in order to get the surgery I want, which is enbyphobic. I've talked about it with other trans people, and we all agree what the dr told me was fucked.

The other bubbles are other things people have said to me. Particularly, I wanna talk about the "are you ACTUALLY disabled?" one because so so so so so many people have fucking asked me that and I want to scream. Like gee, I dunno, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm normal. Maybe my graves disease was all a FUCKING DREAM. The eating disorder I'm getting now that not even the doctors are sure what the fuck it is wasn't real, I'm just a picky eater and I am just a fucking attention-seeking masochist. SURE. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Shut the fuck up.

The butterfly is actively choking me. I'm loosing weight. I've felt more anxious recently than I ever have in my fucking life. I have a goddamn eating disorder where I physically CANNOT EAT. It sounds like ARFID but it's also not quite that, I'm in a weird grey area.

i'm 20 years old.

Ever since I got diagnosed with Graves in middle school, I've felt like my existence was defying something. Like I was supposed to die. I also had intense depression at the time, so that definitely added to it, but yeah. Then more happened. I had my first fall. I got put on the wrong dosage and nearly got killed. Struggled to breathe. My eyes tear up more often due to the disease, and I have an aversion to light I didn't have before. The eating disorder. Not to mention my bad knee, weakness in joints, pain in hips, ect.

It just keeps piling up. More, and more, and more, and more disabilities appear and try to catch me by surprise. I got deathly ill last winter. I quit college this year because of the trauma of being outside while on my wrong dosage from last summer. But this time, I'm fucking freezing when I'm anywhere except in the sun, which still makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable, because of whatever the fuck is happening with my eating disorder.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't know how much farther I can go. I'm running out of time. I can't handle another disability. I just can't. If I wind up getting appendicitis or something I'm running back home to my parents and staying there because at least they make me feel SAFE.

I'm not safe. I will never be safe inside this body. I will never feel safe because of my anxiety and trauma. I'm reaching a boiling point where it's starting to spill over onto those around me and I hate it. I am aware that this post is not helping that at all. But... I just don't wanna suffer in silence anymore. I'm tired. I want to be a good memory, but I fear my time is coming and I don't have much more "memory" to make.

I want to be wrong. Please, stars, let me be wrong. Let this all be in my head. Let this all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Please. Please let me wake up and realize that this was all a fucking nightmare.

I can't look at this screen anymore. My eyes hurt and my wrists are starting to give out.

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