#kim is at fault because eddie did not ask for any of that

[deadnatura11]

Buck coming through the back because he was considerate of Eddie’s family (Chris and Marisol)

Vs.

Kim barging through the front door DRESSED AS SHANNON without any thought as to how this might look to an outsider because she was only thinking of herself

[andavs]

Seriously, does Eddie know what Kim unintentionally did to him?

I'm not trying to absolve him of everything that just happened because he was the one to go back to the store and talk to her in the first place. He continued to see her at least a few times, so that part is entirely on him—but he also came clean with her and ended it. It was over and done with.

But he brought her to his home to explain and she came back later to ambush him. She used the photos he showed her to dress up exactly like his dead wife—maybe it was just some careful styling, but it looked like she even dyed the white streak in her hair. He opened up about the faults in their marriage and she threw his own words back at him to push him into engaging with her. Everything he shared with her, she twisted and used against him.

Even with nothing but good intentions, Kim is a fucking actress! She is not in any way qualified to guide him through something like that! She broke him open while he repeatedly asked her to stop, unintentionally blew his life up, and then left him there in pieces. And he couldn’t even begin to process what just happened because Chris walked in.

Yeah, Eddie could’ve slammed the door in Kim’s face from the start or told her to get out, but even if he had, would she have left? She was determined to do this “for him” and didn’t take no for an answer. He could barely even look at her, but she kept pushing until she struck a nerve. 

That was such a fucked up thing that Kim did, yet Eddie defends her and blames himself completely in the aftermath. He was so messed up and wracked with guilt and worry about Chris that he couldn’t even properly explain what happened. He talks around it while blaming himself for everything, to the point where it sure as hell seems like Buck thinks they had sex while Kim pretended to be Shannon, and Eddie was fully into it.

In the episode before when he first confronted Eddie about her, Buck specifically clarified, “You haven't had sex.” And Eddie said, “Exactly, that’s not even what I want from her.”

And then when Eddie’s trying to explain, Buck says “And what wasn't happening between you two ended up happening.”

Buck thinks they had sex—or were at least making out—and Chris walked in when in reality, Eddie was pushed into a breakdown by the ghost of his dead wife about how he's broken and unfixable and alone. And I don’t know what that misunderstanding means, or if it’ll even end up being relevant! Will Eddie actually tell him what happened, or will he lock that away too?

Eddie’s made so much progress with opening up to people since his breakdown, but this time every single thing he shared got used against him and started a chain reaction that has left him completely alone with nothing. His son is gone, and his parents were there just long enough to convince him that he’s a terrible father screwing up Chris like they screwed up Eddie, which is what Eddie’s always worked hardest to avoid. The one remaining good thing in his life was the 118, and even that’s going to be terrible under Gerrard.

Either next season is going to be equal parts brutal and magnificent on the Eddie front, or it’s going to be incredibly disappointing.

[rwbyconversations]

The Scarlet Letter: Let’s talk about RWBY’s male LGBT rep

I have been sitting on this post for nearly four weeks waiting until the 15th due to the Before the Dawn spoiler rules.

So let's start with a blunt statement: RWBY's male LGBT representation has not been good. If the series' handling of female LGBT rep is good (which... well there's worse shows) and the general standard for how you write LGBT characters in a show like this, its handling of male rep has been... how not to. And Before the Dawn kinda solidified the idea in my head that the show's handling of its male LGBT cast just isn't good enough, either by the standards of when RWBY began in 2013, or today in 2020 when compatively massive steps have been taken over the past decade to show a more diverse list of characters... or at least a more diverse list of female characters.

I don't wanna make this a pissing match over how over-or-under-represented male or female LGBT characters are, but I feel like it's safe to say that the majority of the trend-setters for modern romances, especially in western animation, have been between women. Korra and Asami from Korra, Chloe and Max from Life is Strange, Marceline and Bubblegum in Adventure Time, (insert the relevant Steven Universe characters here, never watched it), and more recently, Adora and Catra in She-Ra and Luz in Owl House.

Compatively, while studies have shown that in general male LGBT characters get more appearances on a purely numerical level, in general they're more one-off characters there to pad a roster, or played more for comedy (see Josh Gad in the Beauty and the Beast remake or the gay guy in Avengers Endgame that was more notable for how hard China and Russia snapped him out of existance). The only big male-LGBT focused media I can think of from the last decade would be Yuri On Ice, Moonlight, IDW's Transformers: More Than Meets The Eye (Chromedome/Rewind best pairing fuck you Roberts for issue 16) Love Simon, and the anime adaptation of Banana Fish.

So it's no surprise that RWBY basically follows these ideas. It's big romance is (unless the writers are very stupid) going to be between Blake and Yang, their first out character was Ilia, Coco got sent to the Book Dimension where she confirmed "I use my sunglasses to perv on women without their knowledge" which uh... yeah you can definitely tell RWBY is written by men... and Volume 6 had Saph and Terra being a good example of an LGBT couple without any real drama. In the last three years alone, the show has drastically increased its lesbian and bisexual characters, alongside even including its first out trans character in May Marigold (albeit only revealed on Twitter). In general, these depictions of sexuality have been pretty OK. Would have liked it if Ilia wasn't immediately written out of the show after Volume 5 as it made her feel a bit more disposable than intended but whatever, subject for another day.

RWBY's male rep though is a bit spottier. There's the plant bois in Volume 5's premiere, we nearly had Pilot Boi until some last-minute revisions, and... Scarlet.

Why Scarlet's a bad launchpad for male LGBT rep

I don't like Scarlet or how his sexuality has been handled. Scarlet's homosexuality wasn't revealed in the show, or by the writers, or even in anything that's actually canon. He's confirmed gay in his sole of dialogue in a non-canon fan anthology, where the manga's Twitter team had to say that Miles suggested the idea and approved of it.

In short, Scarlet is Dumbledore'd, where his sexuality is revealed in out-of-show material and in a way that doesn't make it supremely obvious (Miles himself never commented to confirm this so this news was limited in how far it could spread. I'm genuinely curious how many people still don't know Scarlet's gay), and Scarlet himself is a nothing character who was written out of the show after Volume 3 and only reappeared in Before The Dawn, half a decade after he vanished. Compared to Ilia, as this came out after Ilia's entire arc in Volume 5, it's not a great starting point for mlm rep. But things would have been forgiven if it had gotten better, if the show did have more male LGBT characters introduced, even just on the Saphron/Terra level of just being around for a few episodes before leaving. Then it would have been a misfire but then we could all say "Things got better."

It... didn't. Which is why when Before the Dawn released in 2020, a full two years after Scarlet was first confirmed gay, while the franchise had more than doubled its wlw rep, Scarlet remained the one male character in the entire franchise who had a name and liked men. I remember vividly a fake leak for After The Fall which claimed Yatsuhashi would come out to Velvet and admit to having a crush on Fox. And I remember as well how many people were disappointed when it was said to be false, because it would have been nice for Yatsuhashi's character, especially after the fleshing out he gets in the CFVY books. If Yatsu had come out as gay in the books I'd like his writing enough to say he's a good case for rep, albeit with the caveat of "This is all in side material." But in reality, the leak was fake and Coco was confirmed gay instead.

Unfortunately, Before the Dawn proceeded to ruin Scarlet and made me at times feel genuinely uncomfortable as a queer man! Let's talk about that.

Before The Dawn is crap and Scarlet's writing is borderline offensive

I hate Before the Dawn. It's... bad. I read it while on a vacation and the only solace I had about the entire thing was that I'd bought an M&M chocolate bar. The bar was finished before the book. That bummed me out. It's not a very well written book, the prose is very Early 2010s YA Writer, none of the characters are memorable and there's various Fun Incidents like "NGDO using children as bait for Grimm," and "Neptune's hydrophpobia being used as a threat to torture him and the scene is played for comedy."

Theo was cool. I can't wait to see him as written by good writers, he should be a highlight of the Vacuo arc.

I had two hopes for Before the Dawn- "Don't be bad," and "Let Scarlet and Sage be well written." I'd liked how After The Fall had handled some of its characters (barring, y'know, Coco perving on women), especially Fox and Yatsu who were surprising in how much I liked them. I was looking forward to seeing Myers give Sage and Scarlet similar treatment- two relatively nothing characters meant he'd have a blank slate to write them however he wanted, he could give them unique personalties and if nothing else it could be cool to see their Semblances.

And then I read the book. (Sage fans I am so sorry for you, you got baited harder than Johnlock fans)

Scarlet's a giant dickhead in the book. It's his sole character trait and his inner monologues go on, and on, and on about how much he hates Sun, how he revels in mocking him. Most of his dialogue is sarcastic put-downs about Sun and how lame he is, and Sun is never properly allowed to defend himself or point out how going with Blake meant he was able to help save Haven Academy.

(hey remember when Sun in Volume 6 expressly says to Blake "I was a bad leader for ditching Neptune and the others, and I need to work on that" only for Before the Dawn to have him staunchly refuse to accept that he let the team down? I don't think Myers did but I do)

Scarlet being a ratty bitch would be one thing if, again, the franchise had done more rep. He'd still be a badly written character, but it wouldn't sting as much. But because Scarlet is still the only expressly confirmed male LGBT character in canon (the book teases that Nolan is gay but there's never confirmation either way beyond him smiling at Scarlet), it means that he has to represent that entire ideal. So when the one gay man in Remnant is being an asshole and a snide loser, that means that by extension, this is how the franchise sees gay men. And that fucking sucks! I wanted to come out of Before The Dawn singing its praises, I wanted to like the book, but it was a massive letdown, especially coming off of the other big 2020 RWBY controversy involving gay characters.

Yeah. We're doing this.

Clover and Fair Game: Technically not queerbaiting. BUT:

Let's pre-empt this: Clover wasn't queerbaiting, and Fair Game, while cool and I dig it, kudos to them for becoming one of the top 5 RWBY pairings on AO3 in one year that's fucking impressive (I say with mild malice as an IronQrow main), never had a chance. The writing never seriously boosted it barring one interaction which was flirty (them talking in the lobby of the Schnee Manor), and everything else was out of show boosting through the social media teams and CRWBY hyping it themselves by saying they liked it. If you wanna blame people, blame the animators who went off-script with stuff like Kim Newman adding the wink as a deliberate nod to the Volume 4 waitress, or the social media team deliberately using the same policies for Fair Game as they do for Renora and Bumblebee.

It wasn't Eddy's fault that things escalated, and he himself has said that in retrospect, he should have warned people that this never had a shot.

But I can't blame the Fair Game fanbase. Because Fair Game took off like wildfire. It came right as the fanbase began seriously asking for more male rep, Qrow's pretty hot, and the Clover wink came right after the Great IronQrow Reawakening of November 9th, 2019. The rocket was primed, and they rode it to the moon. Finally, to these people, after seven years RWBY seemed to be doing something with mlm rep in show. People started getting into RWBY just for Clover and Qrow's interactions. And if heroes were boring, Watts and Tyrian also had a fantastic dynamic that made Nuts and Volts one of the more popular villain ships overnight. Things seemed to be turning around! RWBY was remembering that gay men existed! You could hear the choir sing!

... And for those people, that meant that episode 12 hit like Truck-Kun.

People got pissed. People were horrified. And it didn't help that some members of CRWBY had said in the build-up that episode 12 would have some shots that made them nauseous (probably the Tyrian thumb thing) Out of context, it looked to these fans like CRWBY were basically laughing at their suffering, like they were saying "Lol, you thought you had a chance, get fucked, I hope your vomit burns on the way up."

Yeah, Fair Game was never gonna be canon, and I think some people ran too far with it. But in the wider context of how desperate RWBY's mlm community had gotten for basic crumbs of content? I can see why they'd run with what they had. The writers aren't at fault for what happened, but CRWBY didn't help matters. And that desperate mix of what felt like official backing from the crew, jokes about how cute the ship was, and the hope that finally the show would have onscreen rep? I can see why people ran with it.

So why is the show more lackluster in depicting mlm characters?

Money. Let's be honest, most RWBY fans don't care if the show doesn't have good male rep. I'm willing to bet some of you reading this won't care and just dismiss it as not being that big a problem. I don't think the writers care if the show doesn't have good mlm rep because they're not poaching that market. They're after what they see as a bigger, more lucrative market, which in this case is female LGBT rep. That gets people buying games, watching shows, raising awareness and boosting awareness of your property, which means you make more money. In short: Two women kissing hits more markets and generates more attention than two men.

Am I saying that Miles, Monty and Kerry deliberately sat down seven years ago and said "We're not doing gay men because it won't generate enough ad revenue and traffic to be worth the loss in revenue from homophobes?" No, that's silly. But I'm saying that it's less important for them, and it shows in the things that are small and add up. Things like Miles not verifying Scarlet's sexuality or retweeting the manga account's confirmation to spread the message (compared to how he enthusiastically confirmed Ilia being a lesbian himself during the Reddit AMA). It shows in how Pilot Boi would have been the first mlm character only to die in his second full episode until M&K were told about the Bury Your Gays trope. It shows in how Shannon believes that Ozma is "megaqueer" and Miles jokingly laughs it off instead of confirming it, leaving it to just be Shannon's headcanon. It shows in how actor shipping is compared between the mlm and wlw ships, where Arryn and Barbara's frequent pushes for Bumblebee are seen as "official confirmation that it's endgame" while Michael and Kerry saying they enjoy Seamonkeys is treated as "well it would be cute if they did it, but they're never going to."

I'm not gonna say anything like "CRWBY are gonna have Qrow end up with a woman like Robyn out of spite against the bad apples of the Fair Game crowd." I'm not gonna say that I don't think CRWBY cares about male representation in the series. It is, however, definitely a low priority for them, and because that leads to gaffes like Scarlet's writing in Before The Dawn being offensive in his depiction, it only makes the contrast between the sexes all the more painfully apparent.

I'm kinda tired of waiting for Rooster Teeth to show that they do care about mlm. I'm kinda tired of RWBY's male rep being written like it came from a 1993 time capsule where I have to enhance the screen to see a guy holding a sign of Sun's abs or be content with the only onscreen rep still being the plant bois in Volume 5. I'm tired of how often the crew dances around answering basic questions about sexuality (and age, and birthdays, and heights, and so on) by treating it as a spoiler question, as if just wanting to know what way people swing would ever be a spoiler. I'm just... tired of all this. When the best mlm rep in Rooster Teeth's history remains the two dads in Camp Camp who show up in a few episodes, that should say something really bad about your company and your biases (To say nothing of the recent Red vs Blue seasons and their blatant queerbaiting for Grif and Simmons and the whole can of worms that is Donut).

I'd like to not feel like I'm borderline unwelcome because I'd like to see two men in this show kiss, and that the sole thing that represents people like me in this show is some British twat who complains about sand.

I'd just like to feel like my sexuality isn't a joke to Rooster Teeth (or at the very least, be like Donut and have it be a funny one). But at this point after the last few years? I feel like a very uncomfortable punchline to them. And it just sucks.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Fantastic Beasts: CoG Thoughts and Observations

*SPOILERS* Press ‘J’ if you want to skip to the next post.

Grindelwald is a badass. I don’t even like him and yet he’s a fucking badass. He was in fucking prison for 6 months and they had to change his guards multiple times because he’s so damn charismatic that he kept luring the Aurors to his side!

He then got out long before he was supposed to be transported and literally took out everyone on the transport team. And he drove the damn carriage and without even looking behind him, directed bolts of lightning to take out some of the Aurors on their brooms.

He did not come to play.

Newt is still my adorable child. He’s so awkward and still feels like he did in the first film which is great. A lot of people whined about how he wasn’t ‘manly enough’. Because Newt shows compassion on the regular and is more soft-spoken and not interested in ‘manly professions’ or some shit, so he doesn’t fit the ridiculous type of masculinity Hollywood shoves down our throats and dudebros can’t relate to him.

“There are no strange creatures, only wicked people,” is a great line and should be used in reference to animals as well since some people still walk around acting like sharks and pitbulls are evil incarnate. I really love Newt.

Leta knows him well enough to know what he’d say in response to her comment. They have an awkward air of camaraderie about them.

Newt stood up to a teacher with that line of his and got a month’s worth of detention. Leta left a dungbomb in his office to get back at him so she could join Newt. Good friends fight the intolerant assholes in charge of your education together.

Theseus gives off this smarmy vibe. I seen people praise him as a good brother but at present just the way he stands annoys me. And it makes me sad that Newt feels like he can’t be himself in order to be rightfully treated like a human being should be treated.

The dude playing Theseus really does resemble Eddie though, so props for getting that right at least. I can believe they’re siblings.

As usual the Ministry is useless. Grindels is literally the reason NYC got fucked up. Him and his messing with Credence. Newt made some mistakes but actually worked to fix them and then saved all their asses in the process. Why is he getting blamed with misinformation? Even in the 20s Magical Britain’s Ministry is full of morons.

There’s a black dude in a high Ministry position. I think there are more POC in this film than all the HP films combined, jfc. ‘bout time!

Also, they never told Newt that Credence is alive and are now using that fact as a way to try and guilt-trip him into joining the Ministry. Cleverish I suppose, but I still don’t like them.

Some dude just referred to Credence as an IT. wtf? Credence is a wizard who, because magical people suck at getting abused children the help they need, ended up a massive mess. He’s not some thing to be treated like shit!

The brothers are arguing and Newt starts spouting off things he’s mostly likely heard from Theseus and his parents. I will admit Theseus seems less annoying now that he’s spoken a bit, but the fact that Newt starts saying, “Okay, right, here we go, selfish, irresponsible-” speaks of somebody who is used to being compared to another and having what others consider to be ‘faults’ shoved in his face and complained about. That sucks a lot.

Okay, Theseus isn’t as annoying as I expected him to be. He does seem to care for Newt and understand how his mind works to an extent. He isn’t offended that Newt doesn’t go to hug him back. Newt is just awkward with physical contact from humans. He’s always seemed to be on the spectrum for me and I’ve only recently found out that others feel the same, which makes his character more interesting imo.

Grindels is in lift shoes! Needs that extra height that badly? 5′10 isn’t short or anything but he really needed that lift to 6′0″? XD

At least Grindels and the Gang are only using AKs(silently btw). I don’t get why everyone always acts like AK is the absolute worst spell in HP when literally it’s just a quick and painless death. There are a bajillion others spells that are actually terrifying.

Newt easily noticing that he’s being followed and fucking with his stalker is the best. People who say Newt is weak are effin stupid.

I would not take the hand of some random glove hovering in my face. Now way, no how. idc who it might belong to, that’s some shady shit. I don’t trust people.

Though we have to admit that the glove forcibly Apparating him, even if it’s a small distance is pretty cool. Dumbles annoys me but as Phineas Nigellus will say in the future, “He’s got style.”

The fact that Newt knew it was Dumbles makes me wonder if Dumbles has done this before.

Dumbles literally just summoned a big ass fog to cover the city! I don’t like him but he keeps impressing me! It’s annoying! Stop it!

“A Phoenix will come to any Dumbledore in desperate need.” Interesting.

A wizard doing sleight of hand. Oi vey. Dumbles is a drama queen to the umpteenth degree.

God he was a cryptic asshat even back then. It’s very easy to believe this dude becomes the Dumbledore we all know. I think people are just bitching because they refuse to see Dumbledore for who he is. Lots of people whining about ‘how manipulative Jude’s Dumbledore is’ not realizing that HP-Dumbles is literally a Master Manipulator.

Baby Nifflers are effin adorable and I love how well Newt knows them!

Newt literally has someone working for him. And he’s been nothing but reassuring in his own way. He especially tells her to avoid the Kelpie because he doesn’t want her to get hurt. I have seen several people whining about him ‘being mean’ to her and I just have to ask, are y’all fucking stupid? He knows his creatures and when he tells her to not go near one alone because of how dangerous it is and she might lose a finger, he’s not being mean. He’s being a responsible employer. I know some of your bosses don’t give a shit about your well being, but Newt is actually a decent bloke. Chill the fuck out.

She’s flirting with him and is really bad at it. But it’s kinda funny at the same time.

Also can we just stop and talk about how talented Newt is that he can create such realistic habitats in such seemingly small and cramped places? He’s really good at magic.

Queenie and Jacob are cute. And to all the people whining about how ‘unnecessary’ he is to the plot, can y’all chill? He is there for a reason. To show how fucked up MACUSA is when it comes to dealing with Muggles. Queenie will literally be imprisoned if they find out she’s with a Muggle. It’s ridiculous and his character is supposed to show how even the American wizards are messed up.

Queenie calling Newt, ‘honey’ is sweet. I swear she’s the Molly of this new group of friends. Seems like she wants to take care of people and just adopts everyone who comes along.

God, even the magical gossip rags are shit even back then. They deliberately made it so it looked as if Newt and Leta were a thing. Though tbh nothing really happened between Newt and Tina in the first film so her being all offended over him possibly marrying another woman is ridiculous.

These weird shots that are supposed to be directly from someone’s point of view are a bit annoying, I must admit. It’s kind of like watching through a somewhat less annoying fish-eye lens, but still annoying anyway.

Newt is very smart. He notices very quickly that Jacob is out of sorts and that he hasn’t been acting normally. He deduces very quickly that something is up and then stops it.

I really like how level-headed Jacob is about everything considering all the crap he’s just thrown into. He cares enough about Queenie to not want her to be imprisoned/possibly killed for breaking a stupid law. I got really emotional at that part because MACUSA is full of idiots.

Jacob is right though, she’s not being sensible. There’s a lot at stake and it isn’t smart for them to marry yet no matter how much they want to. 

Jacob looks at the bird thing and then’s just like, “I got my own problems.” He’s been through enough shit to just not care atm.

And now everyone’s basically going to Paris anyway.

Walking through weird barriers into new places should no longer impress me but it still does!

The magical circus looks kind of awesome but the I’m also not a fan of how circuses are handled. So it’s this cross between amazement and annoyance at the inhumane way animals(in this case creatures) are being handled.

Literally, they are kept locked up in filthy places, I am unhappy! Also Claudia Kim, who portrays Nagini, is so very beautiful and I am so very gay.

Nagini’s hair has that little serpent-like curl at the end as it rests against her neck. It’s such an awesome little detail to throw in there.

Her transformation is really cool btw.

Wow! You treat the creatures like shit and mock them, and get all confused when they attack you? I hope pain was dealt.

What is it with all the bad guys in everything having to incorporate skulls into their dirty business? Is this supposed to be a play on the whole skulls and crossbones thing meaning death?

Though Grindels does make it more interesting than some wiggly tattoo at least.

Dumbles is considered the greatest threat to his cause when he’s practically been doing nothing but playing teacher. That’s some high praise I suppose.

He’s already known as ‘The Great Albus Dumbledore’! What did he do to gain such belief in his prowess? He’s like 46!

Newt’s asking Jacob for advice on what to say when he sees Tina again, and Jacob gives him great advise. “Best not to plan these things.” It’s good. And then Newt’s like, “She has eyes just like a salamander,” and Jacob’s tune changes immediately! XD “Don’t say that!”

Jacob is a good friend. I really like him!

Jacob’s reactions are the greatest because he’s literally like an in-universe representation of the fandom when we saw magic in the movies for the first time!

Do people know that Eddie Redmayne actually licked the ground?

Newt talking about how narrow Tina’s feet are and Jacob just being like, ‘okaaaaaaay’ is the best!

Queenie must be so lost. Hearing all these thoughts and not knowing the language they’re in. And it must be stressful to not only be in an unfamiliar place but also be completely unprepared for everything going on.

That is the perfect moment to trick her. Literally, I don’t get how people can’t see that she’s emotionally vulnerable and a prime target for manipulation right now.

Credence is just a mess. He needs friends. Glad Nagini seems to be filling in that role but honestly he needs a few more. Those who are ‘cursed’ in essence, like he is. So they’ll understand him.

I really love Jacob’s character. He’s just so amazed by magic and all the things it can do. ^-^

Newt! Knows how to tame and capture creatures he’s never even met before! Zuowus are cute imo.

Hedwig’s Theme, I am crying!

Also, Hogwarts brings back my feels.

Very confused about the McGonagall thing unless this involves time-travel which idk how advanced that was at the time.

The fucking Aurors just break into the class and Head dude’s like, “I can go wherever I please. OUT!” And all the kids just standing there and look to Dumbledore for direction. It’s fucking hilarious that they won’t even listen to the dude who could imprison them with whatever excuse he can make up. 

Now, there seems to be students of all ages in this classroom, which makes me wonder if it’s actually a class or Dumbledore has a Dueling Club set up, because he’s literally teaching a Gryffindor how to not make the same mistakes in a duel, right before owning his ass. idc what anyone says, no class of 17/11 year olds will have multiples students the size of first/seventh years in it. People are either really really tall or really really short. So I vote for a Dueling Club happening.

The Gryffindor who just lost the duel gets up in the dude’s face and is like, ‘he’s the best teacher we’ve got’. Props.

Dumbledore is way better than this Travis dude. And I mean by power and presence. I don’t like him any more than I do the Travis dude. Meaning not at all, But you get what I mean. Dumbles is far better for the good guys than this hoity toity asshat who thinks that because he’s Head Auror he can do anything he wants. Him ignoring Dumbledore’s warning is going to get a lot of people killed.

“We were closer than brothers.” How else can anyone take that? What is closer than a familial tie? A romantic one! Duh!

He’s banned from teaching DADA. But he isn’t banned from teaching any other class! Travis should have been more specific! This is probably how Dumbledore ended up teaching Transfiguration during Tom’s time at school since he doesn’t fight Grindels until 1945. I love loopholes!

Are the candles in the Great Hall just lit all the time?

I for one, think that ‘Talk Shit, Get Hit’ is a very wonderful saying to take to heart. So when people were talking shit about Leta, she damn well deserved to tear them a new asshole over it! I applaud her for cursing that gossiping little bitch’s mouth shut in the corridor. She deserved it. I am a blood-thirsty bitch!

Young-Newt literally looked like a young Eddie Redmayne. Superb casting on that part, God damn! He even got all of Eddie’s chosen mannerisms down!

You know, I’m not shocked that Leta’s being harassed by Gryffindors. The whole school treats Slytherins like shit the moment they’re Sorted. Even when they aren’t raised on the magical side and know nothing about Slytherin’s reputation.

I have mentioned how annoying I find the weird fish-eye-like lens view, right? ‘Cause it’s annoying me again.

BTW, I will always firmly believe that Hufflepuff/Slytherin friendships are the strongest. That is a deadly combination right there.

Albus admits that he didn’t love Ariana as much as he should have. Age does somewhat remove that veil from the eyes, doesn’t it?

I really, honestly think that people just decided that anythngn they saw in this movie was going to be horrible and that’s why y’all are being a bunch of whiny bitches over everything. Queenie didn’t just up and decide hey, I’m joining Grindels! She’s honestly at the end of her rope and is getting manipulated. Y’all are fucking ridiculous. Don’t pay for tickets if you intend to find fault in everything the movie has to offer.

The good sis stands up and points her wand at Grindels despite knowing full well she wouldn’t be able to do shit to him. Temerity ftw.

You gotta give Grindels some props. This dude knows how to play on everyone’s soft points. He just sees them and immediately goes in for the kill. Was Voldy like this in the 70s? It makes more sense that people would follow him if he acted like this before ‘dying’ the first time. ‘Cause after his resurrection he wasn’t follow-worthy imo. Too frantic and mad to take seriously.

He literally tells her that she’s an ‘innocent’ and that ‘he doesn’t wish her harm’. He then tells her to leave, which puts her under the impression that she’s safe from him and can make her own choices. This is a prime manipulation tactic because she’ll come back eventually once she remembers that he supposedly gave her a choice and no one else will. She told Jacob he wasn’t giving her a choice, and now Grindels, the supposed bad guy, is doing just that. And he makes it like he understands her suffering in her desire for love without restriction. Even good guys make mistakes. Y’all want to kiss Dumbledore’s ass for every shit thing he did by saying he was trying to save the world, so you can get over Queenie having a lapse of judgment during an emotionally and mentally trying period.

Ah, the Mirror of Erised, in which you see your heart’s greatest desire. And Dumbledore sees him and Grindelwald alone.

Also, I’m just saying that pressing their hands together would have been enough to make the blood mix. Linking their fingers is not necessary at all.

Finally it’s just Grindelwald as he currently is, staring him down with an innocent expression. And Dumbledore’s sad smile is the only thing we see as the scene fades to black.

Newt is so good with creatures, I love him!

Every time he comes out of that case I am reminded of how slight Eddie is.

Newt asks Jacob to get the tweezers from his bag, but after the mishaps in the last film where British and American English were proven to be different to a degree, he goes on to explain what they look like and both Tina and Jacob are like ‘we know what they are, dude’. XD

They disinfect the unconscious dude, Tina gets her info and heads off. And Jacob tries to get her to come back and then looks at Newt and is all, “You didn’t mention salamanders, did you?”. XD

Upon Jacob’s insistence he goes after Tina and tells her she’s different from other Aurors because she’s got Middle Head, in reference to the middle head of a Runespoor which is said to be a Visionary/Dreamer and doesn’t argue like the heads on either side of it. Tina doesn’t want to kill Credence like everyone else which makes her a different kind of Auror.

So that whacky black shroud that covers the city is Grindels’ way of calling his peeps together?

Grindels’ appears before Credence and tells him he ‘wants nothing from him and wants everything for him, that Grindels never had’. He and Dumbles are perfect for each other. Master Manipulators. A certain kind of Dynamic Duo. Grindels even uses the whole ‘my boy’ thing!

The shot is on Jacob. His stomach growls and it pans down and then up. And Flamel is right behind him when it comes back up! Shit like that always gets me in films! The only kind of jumpscare I’m not into. I don’t like my back being exposed so shots like this kill me.

The Flamels don’t keep food in their house. What exactly was the exchange for living so long? Like, I just thought the Stone kept them youthful and stopped their aging, you know? Apparently they have no need of food. Wouldn’t living that long be boring as hell when you can’t even enjoy the basics of life?

“You don’t look a day over 375.” I love Jacob! XD

Seriously though. Nicki looks like he’ll fall apart at any moment. Is living forever like this really worth it?

Nicki “Hasn’t seen action in 200 years,” OMG!

Newt Polyjuices himself into looking like Theseus and calls him ‘an Auror and a hugger’ in this long-suffering but fond tone.

Theseus and Leta are literally right there too!

It was all going so well and then Theseus looks down and isn’t it always like that? The plot must continue on somehow? I’m dying! XD It was a good plan until that happened.

Tina gets him down with a flick of the wand? The War Hero? Really? Good for her!

Newt is such an awkward turtle. I love that they didn’t insist upon Eddie changing up the way he portrays him!

Newt describes Tina’s eyes as “Having and effect in person. Like fire in water, dark water,” and if that isn’t the nicest way to describe dark brown eyes idk what is. HE’S TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SAY THE SALAMANDER LINE! XD

SHE SAID IT INSTEAD! XD How she got that I have no idea. I don’t know shit about salamanders.

And Leta finds them and runs with them. I wonder if Tina is feeling awkward.

He’s known the Zouwu for so little time and it’s already cuddling up to him! The Snow White of fucking wizards, everyone! He is a cinnamon roll and must be kept safe!

Honestly I am proud I kept up with the whole Lestrange family tree business because holy shit it was convoluted!

The Lestranges are so sexist. Only the men get recorded on the family tree, what bullshit. Leta’s father Raped her mother via Imperius and never loved her. Frankly, a child being jealous of a new sibling that he did love shouldn’t be surprising. Kids make mistakes all the time and hating her for making a rash decision she didn’t fully understand at that age, is ridiculous. She didn’t even mean to get him killed. It’s not like she’s some super horrible person for that.

Newt gets this! He literally gets it! And she tells him “You’ve never met a monster you couldn’t love”. I hurt. She’s not a monster, she’s a fucking human being who made a grave mistake when she was like 7 and it haunted her for the rest of her life.

Nagini doesn’t trust Purebloods because, “They kill the likes of us for sport”. Her life must have sucked.

And here’s where is all leads up to. The literal Crimes of Grindelwald. And not in the sense of law-breaking, although there has been a lot of that. The title means in reference to an act of of great offense which isn’t illegal but still considered morally reprehensible, against another person or persons. He’s spent this whole time manipulating the hell out of everyone and doing things both illegal and simply sinful. Lying isn’t against the law, but the way he’s doing it is wrong, and it helps him commit his ‘crimes’.

Also what the hell is with evil people and graveyards/tombs? Is this a requirement in joining the dark side?

Grindels finds muggles “Not disposable but of a different disposition.” He’s really workin’ it because he knows the kinds of people who showed up to this little speech thing of his and he’s getting all of them at once.

He’s literally showing them a vision of what will happen in WWII with the bombs in order to scare them into joining his side. It’s what will ‘rise up’ from the muggles, and Jacob understands it instantly. Scare tactics ftw! He has a point in a sense. Could we really say that the leading governments of our world wouldn’t try to enslave magicals in order to have the most power over all other countries?

The Aurors are called down to face the crowd and Grindels knows just what to say to stir up feelings of distrust. Though they’re cops so it’s not shocking. They’re all power-hungry and with the experience a lot of the people have with Aurors, plus Grindels sweet-talking them all, of course some chick just up and moves against them and get murdered on the spot. Not even detained. Cops kill first and ask questions later, not shocking magic ones do the same.

Auror used an AK without hesitation. But you know, everyone says that is the most evil spell in HP, right? And no one, not even Aurors, should use it?

And as expected, it all plays in Grindels’ plans. I’m not shocked. “Spread the word. It is not we who are violent.” Right after an Auror just murdered someone. Talk about playing on the emotions.

The fire Grindels’ conjures is blue, compared to normal fire. Which means it’s hotter. Voldy’s fire was also blue. Is this just because they’re magically powerful or are both Dark Lords?

Grindelwald uses magic like he’s a conductor. It’s interesting because everyone else but Voldy has only ever had a death grip on their wands. Voldy holds his wand more gracefully and loosely.

Nagini does not side with Grindelwald. And she has a point. He knows what Credence is, not who he is.

Okay, so a lot of people died in the blue fire, but Newt was able to hold the fire off from consuming him several times. My child is so powerful! He’s just never violent with it! *APPLAUSE*

Queenie’s desperation makes me so sad. She and Jacob love each other but go about it very differently.

I can’t tell if Leta was saying ILY to Newt or Theseus. Maybe to both but with different meanings? Romantic Love isn’t the only kind of love out there. One is her long-time friend whom she could have romantic feelings for if their bond is deep enough. The other is her fiance though her bond with him doesn’t seem that deep. Confusing and shot deliberately like that to confuse us too.

She tries to kill Grindels knowing it won’t work. I like Leta. I don’t get why people don’t like her.

He’s literally using his fancy Fiendfyre to destroy Paris. This dude aims big!

Flamel is a genius and a bunch of people, most who aren’t trained Aurors, just had to put out some powerful magic that would have destroyed a whole city.

Newts hugs Theseus!

The Niffler lives and got the Blood Pact thing from Grindels! How did he not notice it?

Queenie’s skills are very useful to Grindels in how to deal with Credence without scaring him off. He knew what he was doing in manipulating her to his side.

Grindels and Dumbles agreed not to fight one another. Wonder what would happen if they turned their wands on each other with intent to do harm. Pain? Or maybe... their spells being directed elsewhere by some unseen force and hitting nearby things(*cough* Ariana *cough*)? 

So here’s where I am confused but I have many thoughts. A.) Percival Dumbledore died some time after 1890 but no date is given. He was in Azkaban during the time and immoral things happen in prison. He could be the father. B.) Kendra Dumbledore died in 1899 and Credence was born ‘circa’ 1901(meaning around that time frame but no specific details are known) so she could have birthed him. Albus wouldn’t know since he wasn’t very present at home and was distant to his siblings. Kendra isn’t actually a Dumbledore but she had the name, Credence doesn’t know the details, and Grindels could have sent the Phoenix in some way. C.) Grindels is just lying altogether but he’s really believable. D.) He used the word ‘brother’ to mean family, like how he addressed the people as his ‘brothers and sisters’. His fellow magical people. So perhaps he meant as in like Credence’s kin. So he could be a child of Aberforth who would be old enough to sire a child(teens do it all the time), or of their Aunt Honoria who could have had a kid for all people know.

Dumbles is the one to tell us all about the Phoenix thing first. Grindels strengthens that fact later on, making it not just some children’s tale. It’s all left to us to wonder if he’s lying about Credence or not.

I observed a lot.

So for the cinematography, it was really well done save for the fish-eye lens crap. I really didn’t like that. But I am a sucker for panning from above. Also clever use of the camera while certain people speak. Angles can do wonders to tell a story.

I thought the plot was very easy to follow. I’ve seen people whine about it not making sense but literally, in stories about multiple people, the POV shifts. A lot. In order to understand why everyone is doing what they are doing, you need to know what is going on from their ends. So yeah, why is everybody just randomly in France of all places? Paying attention lets you find out!

I do have one really big annoyance and it’s more for it taking this long instead of it happening at all. In the original HP films there really aren’t a lot of non-white actors portraying characters, even if they’re just extras to fill in for other students and such. In this film there were extras of all kinds of nationalities. I saw a lot of Black and Asian folks just filling up the background. And I’m glad the universe now seems more realistic and diverse. It’s just annoying that the most diverse of all the films in this fictional world, is the newest one and kinda makes the others a bit disappointing since the 20s were less progressive than the 90s.

My initial opinions on certain characters did change. Naturally I hate Dumbledore as a character no matter what but he’s more interesting than before. And I don’t really like Grindels all that much but he is a badass and watching him is interesting. Theseus and Leta grew on me with such little time. I cried for both of them. I’m disappointed but not shocked or angry at Queenie’s actions. I cried for her too. Flamel creeps me out still. I like Nagini. She’s been through some tough shit and is mildly distrustful of everyone. And now she’s away from possibly her only friend(I got not romance vibes between she and Credence btw).

I liked all the story-telling. There were a lot of creatures. A lot of talking. A decent amount of action. And humor spread out here and there for some levity.

I thought it was a fine film. It was good. I’d re-watch it with the first without hesitation. I had moments where I laughed, moments where I cried, and moments where I wasn’t sure what I was feeling at all.

Grade: A

[pjbehindthesun]

chapter 19: it's not a joke

Wednesday, October 31st, 1990

“Cora? Hey, uhm, can we talk?”

Shit, I wish I hadn’t whirled around so fast, I’m fucking dizzy now. But even through the neon lights of the bar and the shafts of light from the disco ball and the crazy colors of everyone’s costumes flying across my field of vision, it’s hard to miss the sight I wanted to see most. One pair of Stone eyes, two pairs of Stone eyes, four pairs of Stone eyes, eight pairs of Stone eyes, kaleidoscoping around disobediently, STOP that... okay okay, now four pairs of Stone eyes, two, and finally just the one pair, sparkling with amusement. His hand stays on my elbow, steady and firm, the only electrical signal reaching my brain that allows me to figure out where to look in order to ground myself.

“Uh huh.” God. Smooth, Cora.

I feel his fingers slip down my forearm and interlock with mine before he turns around and gives my hand a gentle tug. His grip stays tight as he pulls me through the crowd, and I allow myself be towed in his wake, letting the image of him walking in front of me steady my senses, wondering how in the hell I’ve known this man for almost six months and never noticed what a great ass he has… and just what am I supposed to do with that information, god damn it, stop staring at him like an object, he’s a human being, he’s your friend, he’s --

“Ow, Jesus! Personal space!”

He looks over his shoulder with a grin after stopping short at the door, because I’ve just collided hard with his back.

“Sorry, just sudden. A little warning would have been nice,” I grumble.

“That's what she said.”

“Aww, my sympathies to all your ex-girlfriends.”

He offers no retort because he's still too busy cackling at his own cleverness, so I abandon him and find a spot on the curb a little ways down from the door where I don't think we'll be tripped over too much. It takes a little bit of a fight to get the pleats of this stupid little skirt arranged so that I don't flash all of Seattle, though, and in my current state of inebriation it's not a graceful battle… how did I let Lucy talk me into wearing something so short, this is all her fault…

“I like that skirt, is it new?”

In my preoccupation, I hadn't noticed him sitting down next to me. Fantastic, so he's been watching my struggle this whole time with that stupid smug look on his face.

“Ohhhkay, fine, out with it.”

“Out with what?”

“Don't play dumb, Stone.”

“I'm not…” his brow creases.

“I know, I know, this skirt’s ridiculous, I can't wait to burn the damn thing tomorrow, I’ve been fighting with it all night, so of course you’ve got some devastating sarcastic crack to unleash about it, come on… out with it.”

“Oh, of course, it would be inconceivable that I might actually pay you a compliment free of irony.”

“First time for everything.”

“You're such a sweetheart,” he sneers.

“You have no room to talk. Speaking of talking…?” I raise my eyebrows expectantly.

“Huh? Oh. Uh, it was just getting kinda stuffy in there. I don't know, it's nicer out here.”

“Suit yourself, but I was winning an argument.”

“What the hell were you guys talking about, anyway?”

“Whether free will exists. What do you think?”

He blinks and crumples up his features, shaking his head in exasperation. “This is what you think about when you’re drunk?”

“Excuse me,” I adjust my skirt again and straighten up, “I am not drunk, I’m just ethanol-enhanced.”

“Yeah well, you’re pretty enhanced right now, if you get what I’m saying...”

“You underestimate me, Stoner, I can hold my whiskey. So, what do you think?”

He frowns. “About free will?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Shit, I don’t know… help me out, where did you guys leave off?”

“You’re not getting off that easy, what do you think?”

He sighs and narrows his eyes at me, pursing his lips in a resigned smile. “Well, I’m willing to bet you don’t believe in anything that can’t be explained scientifically --”

“-- that’s because everything can be explained scientifically --”

“-- oh, stop being so modest… and Kim probably thought that was hilarious and wanted to play devil’s advocate with some kind of metaphysical bullshit.”

“You’re about up to speed, yeah.”

He sighs. “Okay, uhm… I guess I just don’t see why it matters.”

“How so?”

“I mean, I think the whole idea of free will really just exists to punish people for not doing what they���re supposed to. Like, if we look at it your way, then everything we do, whether it’s the tiniest reflex or a big life decision, has an explainable cause, so we’re not really in control of anything, tough shit. My dog has as much freedom to decide to run after the stick I throw as to decide whether or not to have a seizure, which is to say none at all.”

“Aw, you really do have a geriatric dog, huh?”

“Yeah, she’s a senior citizen,” he says sadly. “But like, if we want to talk about freedom, then isn’t it really just to create some ownership of certain kinds of actions but not others? I guess I care less about whether free will exists than why people want it to exist.”

“Right. At what point does an infant stop being this blameless, innocent little potato and start being a kid that their parents can blame for misbehaving?”

“Yeah, or like, addiction. We talk about it like it’s a big moral failing, like there’s some kind of choice involved, and maybe at some level there is, but like, I don’t know if you know any addicts…” he sighs, looking terrifyingly fragile all of a sudden, “but I think the whole reason society wants to hold people responsible for shit like that is to be able to, like, impose consequences for ‘fucking up,’” he frames his words with air quotes.

“Like there aren’t enough of those already,” I add quietly, hating myself for clumsily letting the conversation steer into such a painful topic.

“Right. I mean,” he shifts his posture, and some of his normal composure returns, “I guess there’s something kind of romantic about feeling like you’re the master of your own destiny, but I think we mostly use it as a stick to beat people with.”

“What the fuck does ‘romantic’ even mean, anyway?” I snort.

“Uh uh, nope, you’re cut off -- we need several more drinks before we solve any more of life’s mysteries.”

“Now you’re talking,” I hook my arm in his and start to stand up, pulling on him to join me, but he resists, so I let go of him and sit back down. “What’s up?”

“Well, uh, I actually did want to talk to you about something.”

Of course. He’s suddenly engrossed in watching his own fidgeting fingers, which is all I can stare at now as well. Damn it, Stone, you're making me nervous...

“Okay, shoot.”

“I was talking to Jeff just now, he thinks, uh… he was thinking… there’s something going on.”

My mind goes blank. I'm not ready for this. Too drunk. Not drunk enough. “Going on… between us?”

He scoffs. “No, actually, he wants to cover the song on the record. You know, Frida? I knowww there's something going onnn…”

“You're such an asshole,” I elbow him, but he's occupied rocking out to the beat in his head and playing air guitar.

“But like, super heavy, crunchy, distorted guitars… it’d be pretty sweet, right?”

“I think that's a little out of Eddie's register!”

We both collect our laughter gradually, not rushing back to the topic, because we both know damn well that we’re not sitting out on this curb because Jeff Ament harbors a burning desire to cover Frida.

“Yeah, between us,” he concedes when he's finally straight-faced again. “He thinks something's up here.”

He’s right, isn't he? I want to ask, but the words are lodged somewhere in my throat in a thicket of panic. Of course Jeff’s right, I’m not an idiot, I know that Stone and I are not just friends. I know that. I’ve known that for a while now. I just don't know what that makes us, or what the hell I’m supposed to do about it. I’ve been hiding from this thing for way too long, and now it’s out of control. The options blur around and around my mind, as if on a carousel. Deny it? The thought is physically painful… Laugh it off? No, that’s even worse… Come clean? But I can hardly admit it to myself, let alone him. The thought of owning up to all of this, disentangling it, is just too much to handle tonight, there’s not enough whiskey in the world… I decide to let simplicity win, or maybe it's just cowardice.

“What did you tell him?”

“I told them they should mind their own business,” he says bluntly.

“Them?”

“Yeah, well, I kinda got the sense Lucy had the same idea.”

“Ah.” My heart starts to ache. I should have talked to her. God, I’m the worst friend, I should have talked to her about this days ago, I know she of all people would have listened and tried to understand, and maybe she could even have helped me figure out what I’m supposed to do about it.

“Well, and… Mike's brought it up once or twice. Chris said something a while back.”

“Are you kidding me? Did I miss a newsletter or something? God, they’re so full of shit.”

His shoulders shake with a single silent laugh, but his eyes are focused on the asphalt. “Nothing new there.”

“Fucking ridiculous,” I add, figuring that if we’re going for denial then I might as well commit, although it’s just as painful as I thought it would be.

“Right, I mean, just because we’ve been spending a lot of time together doesn’t mean… shit…” his hands begin to fidget again, and we’re both watching them like they’re a sideshow.

“Right,” I echo, feeling like my chest might cave in at any moment.

“Right? You’ve got a boyfriend. Like, nothing could ever happen, I would never…” he trails off, shaking his head.

“No, I know, me either!”

“But like… we have been, you know, getting a lot closer, especially over the last week, and I’m not gonna… I won’t pretend like that doesn’t mean anything to me.”

I can feel him watching me, waiting for me to affirm that this evolution between us has been mutual. And of course it has. But what am I supposed to say? That yes, this has been the best week of my life, and it’s all because I’ve been pretending that this suspended animation we’re in is actually real life, but I know that in one way or another it’s all about to come crashing down? Admitting that doesn’t make anything easier or simpler. I love you for climbing out on this limb, Stone, I just can’t join you.

When I finally find words, I hear myself saying the only thing I can think of that’s both true and safe.

“You’re one of my best friends.”

“You too.”

But the look in his eyes and the hush in his voice is anything but safe. Feeling increasingly frantic to scramble back to familiar territory, I cast around for a way to turn our situation into something we can laugh at.

“Well, I think we’re looking at this thing all wrong.”

“Really?” he arches an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I mean, here’s a gift-wrapped opportunity to fuck with our friends, if we wanna take it. You know, really follow through on the whole scandal.”

A smile curves one half of his mouth as he says hesitantly, “what’d you have in mind?”

“Oh, I don't even know,” I think for a moment, letting the whiskey do the talking for a change, “just like, conspicuously disappear together into a supply closet for a pretend quickie and come out five minutes later looking all disheveled, just to see what they do?”

He gapes at me. “Five minutes?? You think that's all we’d need? Jesus, Cora… I’m insulted.”

“My mistake. Stone Gossard, the Sixty Minute Man, I presume?”

“Try me,” he smirks.

“Pass,” I laugh.

“Hey! I mean it! I can provide references!”

“Come on, haven't those poor girls been through enough?”

“Oh, you're in so much trouble,” he grins, looking away.

“We’d make a terrible couple, you know. We’re too similar. We’d fight all the damn time.”

“Yeah, but I bet the makeup sex would be off the charts,” he dodges the swipe I just aimed at the side of his head.

“Why do I hang out with such perverted filth, ugh.”

He lets his eyes zone out as he intones, “one of us, one of us...”

“Lucky me. Hey, it’s freezing out here, you wanna get back inside?”

We stand up and brush off the dirt from the curb before he turns to me, rubbing my arms vigorously with his hands and wearing a broad grin.

“I think it’s really adorable how easily you get cold.”

“I think it’s really adorable how easily you get patronizing.”

I stick my tongue out at him, he readjusts the cat ears in my hair, and it almost feels like we're back to our normal bullshit before he looks intently at me and pulls a deep breath.

“I actually think we’d do alright, for the record. At the whole couple thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I mean, come on, we’ve probably both dealt with worse.”

“If this is your application to be considered boyfriend material, you might want to aim a little higher than ‘you’ve seen worse.’”

“I’m totally boyfriend material. I did your dishes,” he says slyly, holding the door open.

“Yeah, and to spare your feelings, I conveniently left out the part where I had to wash them all again the next morning.”

He forces a little pout, but that half-smile I love so much washes it away without too much effort. “I never said I did them well…”

***

The first person I make eye contact with when we’re back inside is Jeff, which comes as no surprise because I’m positive he and Lucy have been watching the door like hawks ever since Cora and I left. Cora’s got the right idea, though: without another word or glance in my direction, she makes a beeline for Lucy, wraps her up in a back-breaking hug, and the two of them are rapidly absorbed in a conversation I can’t hear from this side of the room.

I should follow her lead. Partly because I need to get my nosy fucking bassist to stop staring at me, and partly because I need to drink that conversation out of my head as quickly as possible. I chickened out, I hate to admit. I know we need to figure this shit out sooner rather than later, but it’s just so much easier to keep joking with her about it. But I meant what I told her about what she means to me, it’s not a joke…

Eddie saves me from myself with a beer, followed by another one bought by Chris, and I lose sight of Cora in the crowd for most of the night. Well, that's not entirely true. I spent an agonizing several minutes talking to Jeff while trying my level best not to openly stare over his shoulder at Cora while she and Lucy were dancing over by the bar to Iggy Pop. Jesus, that purple skirt is definitely my new favorite...

But I'm more or less successful at seeming disinterested until until we’re all congregating by the cars and figuring out how everyone plans to get home.

“Where’s Mike?” Lucy, the only sober one in the group, cranes her neck to peer back inside.

“You didn’t see him stumble out of here with Selene a while back?” I answer.

“No way!” Jeff shouts.

“Oh yeah. The two of them were quite a sight. The KISS makeup definitely wasn’t kissproof, let’s just put it that way.”

“Okay, so that’s one lost lamb accounted for,” Lucy muses. “Stone, your car’s back at our place? You wanna take the couch?”

I thank her and take her up on the offer, and Jeff and I are busy making plans for another mountain biking trip this weekend when Cora materializes from somewhere behind me. I try to keep my voice as casual as possible because I know Jeff's watching closely.

“What about it, Red? Duthie Hill, Saturday? They have some good trails.”

But she bites her lips in, which with all of her facepaint makes the cat look like it’s grinding its teeth, and Jeff speaks up. “She can’t, man, she doesn’t have a bike, remember?”

“What??” I realize I’m shouting when Eddie's head whips around sharply to frown at me, so I try to tone it down.”Yes you do, the green one, that was a really nice bike! What happened to it?”

She cringes. “I sorta… gave it away…”

“When did that happen?” I ask her in a much lower voice, trying to be conscious of my volume.

“I gave it to Patch,” she says simply.

“She’s being modest, she’s the best big sister in the world and she didn’t want her kid brother to move to a new city without some way of getting around.” Lucy wraps Cora up in another one of their tight hugs, and despite the makeup, I can see my amazing, giving, kindhearted girl blushing as she gives me a “kill me now” look. I’m sure my own expression is entertaining too, but I couldn’t care less. The feeling in my chest as I stare back at her is the kind of thing that crowds out any self-consciousness. I didn’t think it was possible to love her more, but here we are.

“Cor? You around tomorrow? Lunch date? Cyclops?” Lucy asks, and from within the headlock, Cora nods enthusiastically in response to each question.

“Okay, enough standing around, it's freezing,” she says in a muffled voice around Lucy’s forearm before she breaks loose and bolts towards the Corolla.

Jeff obviously takes shotgun, since no one would dare try to argue him out of sitting next to Lucy, and anyway I’ve got no interest in sitting up front. Eddie sits behind Jeff and immediately leans forward, striking up an animated conversation about basketball, which is perfect because it leaves Cora and me completely undisturbed.

All I want to do is restart our conversation somehow, try for a do-over, tell her that it’s not really a joke, that I want to know how she feels, that I want to give this a try, that I really do care what an impossible position that puts her in and I want to talk about it and try to figure it out together, that yes, she is one of my best friends, but what if that’s not the end of what we are but the start of what we could be…

Of course, we’re both too drunk for that conversation to happen tonight, and there are way too many witnesses. And anyway, she’s determined not to look at me because she’s too busy pretending to care about Jeff and Eddie’s speculations for the start of the NBA season. I’ve almost resigned myself to joining her when I feel her thigh drift over towards mine and apply a steady pressure. And now I know that none of it matters. None of the equivocation, none of the bullshit jokes, none of the obstacles. Only this person matters. We’ll figure the rest out as we go.

I reach over to her lap and brush the back of her hand with mine, hoping to tell her just a fraction of what I should have told her outside, but I’m not prepared for how quickly she turns her hand over and laces her fingers into mine. Feeling like I’ve just had the wind knocked out of me in the best way, I look sideways at her and am rewarded with that warm, open smile of hers, beautiful even through all the facepaint. It's not a joke. This is enough. Just holding her hand in the darkness, smiling at her and seeing her smile back at me as the streetlights flash past us, this is all I need right now.

***

Thursday, November 1, 1990

“So on a scale of one to ten, how hungover were you this morning?”

Cora screws up her face. “I mean, it wasn’t an apocalyptic experience, and it was definitely nothing like the Bushmills night  --” she chuckles as I fake a gag “-- but it wasn’t pretty. Maybe a six?”

“Oh yeah, hissing at daylight and shunning all human contact? Good thing you’re not working this shift, I’m betting you wouldn’t set a new personal best for tips earned.”

“Not unless they’re pity tips. I didn’t even realize until I’d already walked over here that I’d missed a spot of the paint when I washed my face. How did the guys do?”

“Jeff and Ed were still out cold when I left for work. I think they’re probably in a world of hurt by now, though.”

“And Stone?”

Her voice is neutral, and her attention seems to be focused on her quesadilla, but she doesn’t fool me. I know exactly what’s going on inside her head. She’s in that place where you think about someone so often that you start to become embarrassed about how often their name pops out of your mouth, so you start to wait for strategic moments to bring them up, like when we’re already twenty minutes into our lunch.

“He left before I got up, so either he was the most bright-eyed and bushy-tailed of the bunch, or he felt the overwhelming urge to crawl off somewhere isolated to die alone.”

She nods but doesn’t reply, so I decide to wait a little longer before I push her to tell me what’s going on there. We kill time talking about work while we polish off the rest of our meals, and then decide that the hangover gods require an additional sacrifice, so we order a plate of fries to split, and I switch to her side of the booth so we can slump pathetically on each other while we demolish it. After a long pause, Cora leans her head on my shoulder and I lean my head onto hers.

“Lucy?” she says quietly, twirling a fry in the ketchup.

“Mmph?” I respond around an undignified mouthful of fries.

“Have you ever… liked someone you’re not supposed to like?”

Fighting the urge to gasp, because I know that if I do I’ll only choke, I swallow my food and ask her in my calmest, most innocent voice, “who do you like that you’re not supposed to like?”

“I don’t know,” she sighs, “it’s just a hypothetical.”

“Cora?”

“Can you just answer first?”

“Okay… well, I think first of all, it depends on what you mean by ‘like.’”

“Don’t be a 6th grader about this, Lucy, you know what I mean. Like-like.”

Like-like? And I’m the 6th grader?? I’m thankful she’s still resting her head on my shoulder and can’t see the incredulous look I’m struggling to wipe off my face.

“Okay. Then I think it also depends on what you mean when you say you’re not supposed to like them.”

“Someone… off limits.”

“Not the person you’re with,” I elaborate very carefully.

“Exactly. And it’s not just hormones, either,” she continues, “I mean… really connecting with someone. Someone else.”

“So, there’s this person --”

“-- hypothetically speaking --” she cuts me off.

“Fine, there’s this hypothetical person you like. Are they a good person?”

“Really good.”

“Makes you laugh, listens to you, cares about your feelings, always calls you back, all that good stuff?”

“All of it.”

“And you’re attracted to them?”

“Hypothetically… yes. Very.”

“Think they’re attracted to you?”

“Pretty sure.”

“Okay, I see. That sounds pretty great. And what about the person you’re with, hypothetically? Do they make you feel the same way?”

After a long pause, all she has to say, in a frighteningly small voice, is “no.” I’m done playing games now.

“Cora?”

She sits up and regards me with a completely miserable expression but doesn’t respond, so I brush her hair out of her eyes and say simply, “just tell me what’s going on.”

“Okay okay I don’t know how the hell any of this happened but I think I’m falling for Stone,” she says in one giant breath before biting her lips back in, as if she regrets letting the words past them.

“I think maybe you already fell.”

“It’s an ongoing process,” she mutters, flushing.

“I know what you mean.” Wow, she’s got it bad. “Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure Stone took the same fall you did.”

“You knew, didn’t you?” she huffs.

“Oh, sweetie… yeah, it’s been obvious for a while.”

“Sounds like it was obvious to everyone but me,” she grumbles.

“Have you guys talked it through yet?”

“No… I think he wanted to talk about it last night, but I just couldn’t do it. I wish I’d told him, though, there’s just… it’s complicated, but I know we need to air it out. I get that.”

My heart swells with gratitude for Jeff for doing his part. Now it’s time for me to do mine.

“You guys really clicked, didn’t you?”

“It’s insane, Lucy. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

“Yeah, but you and Alex fell in love pretty quickly, didn’t you?”

“That was totally different,” she shakes her head. “Alex and me, we kinda just… happened. Like, I met him, we hooked up that same night, we just sort of stuck together after that, and I was so excited to have a boyfriend that I don’t think I really thought about it all that much. I don’t know what to call that, looking back, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t love. Not right away.”

I take a deep breath and ask her the most obvious yet most painful question of all. “And do you love Alex now?”

She slumps in the booth, leaning her head back with a thud. “I don’t think what we have now is love either. It used to be, but… I don’t know, not anymore.”

“For how long?”

“How am I supposed to know? I just know he’s been checked out for a long time now, and I’m starting to realize that I have been, too. Like, what are we even doing? We hardly spend any time together, he hates all my friends… except you,” she adds quickly, “and he hasn’t even called me once since he’s been on this trip, not even to return a call.”

“Really?” I have to fight not to shake my head in disgust. That’s shitty, even for Alex. What’s so goddamn important about a conference that you can’t find time to call your girlfriend? Not once, the entire week? My urge to beat him bloody with my shoe returns with a vengeance.

“Really. I’ve called him every day, and I get nothing back. At first I was kinda worried, but like… this is just what he does. I don’t think he even cares. I left him a message the other night to see if he wanted a ride home from the airport, but it’s just radio silence.”

“You don’t deserve that,” I affirm. “Whatever else is going on, that’s just cruel. He should care enough to call you back, at the very least.”

Her face contorts. “Yeah, but I’m not much better… my boyfriend goes away for a week and I fall head over heels for that idiot??”

“That idiot has a name, and you’re obviously pretty important to him. That’s not some new development in the last week.”

“Still, Luce, I just feel like such an asshole. How did I let this get so out of hand?”

“Sometimes this stuff happens, Cora. Sometimes a relationship runs its course, and you don’t always get closure wrapped up in a pretty little bow before somebody’s ready to move on. I just think you’ve got to talk to Alex.”

“Yeah. I know. I know I do.” Her eyes are starting to look a little red as she leans her head back on my shoulder. “It’s over, it’s been over for a while, I just… I can’t be the one to…”

I only speak up when I’m sure she can’t finish her own thought. “You feel like you can’t be the one to leave.”

“Right.”

I wrap an arm around her and pull her into a hug. We don’t talk about her dad a lot, but I know that’s where this bullshit about not leaving people comes from. From the inner eight year old who was left behind once and can’t stand to leave anyone else the same way.

“Cora, it’s not the same. People grow apart. You’re not married to Alex, you don’t have kids, we’re young… you don’t have to do this to yourself forever if you’re not happy with him. Are you happy?”

She sniffs and shakes her head.

“You deserve someone who makes you happy.”

“I’ve got to talk to Alex.”

“Yeah. You do. He gets home tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow night.”

“You can do this, Cor. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I give her shoulder another big squeeze, and we finish our fries in silence.

***

After my afternoon classes are done, I drop my books by the front door of the apartment and notice that the answering machine has something to tell me. When I press play, the unexpected sound of Alex’s voice makes me jump.

“Hey babe, I got your message last night,” oh, and what about the ones I left every other day? my brain asks him bitterly, “don’t worry, I don’t need a ride from the airport, you’re the only one who cares about that shit, haha. No but seriously, I can get myself home. Anyway, yeah, I’ll seeya when I seeya, hope you had a good week, bye for now.”

I sink down onto the couch, wincing at the dismissiveness of the message. After a week of not hearing your voice, this is all I get? I’ll seeya when I seeya? What am I, your drinking buddy? Some random acquaintance? I used to think I was going to spend my life with you, you asshole, and even if we’re drifting apart, even if we’re breaking up, don’t we deserve a better ending than this? Lucy’s right, this can’t wait any longer, I’ve got to talk to him as soon as he gets home…

You’re the only one who cares about that shit… his laughter keeps ringing in my ears. Laughter. After what happened a few weeks ago? When I asked you to pick me up at the airport, hoping you’d at least pretend that you gave a damn, and you fucking forgot? Really, that’s a joke to you now? It’s not a joke! It’s not a joke to me! God, how can it be a joke to you?

And you know who actually picked me up? You know who was there when I needed him? Stone. A shard of guilt pierces my chest when I think about Stone trying to have a sincere talk with me last night. Yeah, okay, he had terrible timing, it wasn’t something we needed to discuss while drunk. But he tried to tell me and I brushed it off. That wasn’t a joke either. Suddenly all I can think about is how much I need to tell him, and it can’t wait. I dial so quickly that I’m almost confident I hit a wrong number, but the voice on the other end of the line is exactly the one I wanted to hear. I don’t waste any time.

“Hey... can I come over?”

[earwaxinggibbous]

10 Songs that make Love/Sex Sound Like No Fun

Happy Vagina Day! I mean Happy Valentines Day!

[wipes brow]

What do you mean it’s the 15th???

Valentines Day has always been my least favorite holiday, even now when I can actually appreciate it as a taken man. I was never a very romantic person, as hard as I try, and a lot of the gushy crap forced down our throats around February is akin to being buttfucked with a tree branch. It’s like walking into a store and all of the workers are talking in uwu-speak.

Hewwo wewcome to Gwistedes dat wiww be 20 dowwaws! Cash oah cwedit?

But if February is good for one thing aside from overcoming your Winter Break Hangover, as a song critic, it’s a good time to talk about love songs. (And fuck songs, ‘cause there’s a lot of those.) But talking about songs that actually bring out powerful romantic feelings is absolutely no fun, because like I said, I’m not a romantic man. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to find love and sex songs that make the acts seem... really, really lame? So that’s what we’re doing.

Keep in mind that I don’t know every song on the planet, in fact, my scope is actually a very small, strange corner of the musical world. So if you have your own list, feel free to put it together and show me if you want! Go crazy.

Honorable mentions go to any songs that aren’t actually intended to be romantic or sexy. Stuff like The Nine Inch Nails’ Closer. Or Eminem’s Kim. If that’s your idea of love, well... you do you I guess. There’ll be more honorables later.

Nuuuumber 10!

Closer - The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

I personally believe both of the artists involved in this are more sexually weak than Kevin from F is for Family. (And if you’ve watched the whole series you know exactly what I’m talking about. Also hit me the fuck up, I need someone to fanboy over that shit with.)

I like Halsey. I don’t think she’s amazing or anything. Oftentimes I feel like her greatest flaw as an artist is that she wants to do three things at once: Appeal to internet people who like stuff like Marina and Lana del Rey (eg. Colors), appeal to a mainstream that just likes regular easy-listening pop music (eg. New Americana), and also just do her own thing and talk about her own experiences (eg. Control and Gasoline). These things don’t really work that well together at times. New Americana is one of those times, I hate that song. Closer is another one of those times.

The Chainsmokers kind of improved by 2017, but for awhile they were putting out soulless crap like Don’t Let Me Down with all the excitement of a party that only consists of art students. Closer is also lame. But more than that it shows me two things: The first being that Andrew Taggart is an asshole, and the second being that the Chainsmokers don’t know how to write women and even Halsey’s halfway-decent voice and attempts at emotion can’t really fix it.

“Hey, I drink a lot. But everything was fine before we started dating, so it must be YOUR fault!”

Part of me almost feels like Taggart just really wants to fuck Halsey and so he wrote this song as an excuse, like it’s essentially the expensive version of a self-insert fanfic. 

If the Chainsmokers are good at one thing, it’s lyrical detail. It worked in their favor in Paris, which is a song that I actually really love. All of the tiny details worked into it paint an insanely vivid picture of these two rich kids basically having some kind of one-night stand.

In Closer it does the complete opposite. I have a hard time believing that there’s any thought less sexy than fucking in the backseat of a range rover with a mattress in the trunk that belonged to your roommate, and they probably masturbated on it and how do you even have this car if you can’t afford it? Or is Taggart just being fucking presumptuous? Dammit, man.

Halsey plays this really pathetic character who left Taggart’s character based on looks alone, and is now regretting it because I guess the endless sexual draw of the weird long-headed guy from the Chainsmokers would make anyone change their mind. It paints Halsey’s character as pathetic, and that’s a character I have absolutely never wanted to see her play. Because her personality as a singer is kind of thin. When she’s playing a character who is aggressive and violently emotional, it works, but when in a role like this it feels like misuse of her actual talent. Kind of equivalent to when they got Eminem on that strip club song Shake That.

(He don’t get it. You don’t get it. And most of all, I don’t get it.)

Frankly, Halsey’s strengths (”specific yet vague” emotional detail) don’t play off well with the Chainsmokers’ strengths. (detailed scenery to piece together vague stories) These two should never have gotten together. Frankly, they shouldn’t have even tried,

Numéro Neuf

You Was Right - Lil Uzi Vert

His face is so weird. It’s just so weird.

I have a kind of odd love of Lil Uzi Vert, despite the fact I’ve only heard one song that I really liked. (XO Tour Lif3, for the record.) I feel like he has a creative energy that most artists in pop are missing, but he’s really, REALLY not using it to his advantage. A lot of his songs are just kind of... nothing. 

You Was Right is one of those hits that was so early in 2017, my brain keeps telling me it was a 2016 hit. It was also Uzi’s first platinum single. It’s an okay song musically. Not that interesting. Beat kind of sounds like it was bumped from Wicked, which is not helped by the fact that Metro Boomin’ was involved in both songs. But lyrically, this song is... weird and confusing.

The basic plot makes sense: Lil Uzi’s character in this song feels bad after cheating on his girlfriend, and he wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from doing so. But man. This song makes the idea of a relationship with Lil Uzi sound like way more trouble than it’s worth.

I bet you’re asking me: “Panda, is this line accompanied by the most obnoxious eye-roll possible in the music video?”

Yes. Yes it is.

Yep, that’s right. Lil Uzi is feeling guilty, and wishes he’d never taken this girl home, and--

Uzi stop.

You should’ve just not. Done anything. Because you have a girlfriend. You shouldn’t have boned, you should’ve gone home and boned your girlfriend, dammit Lil Uzi. Let me like you, you bastard.

The reason this isn’t any higher is because I at least feel like Uzi has some kind of love for his girlfriend. As the second line indicates that the moment he saw his girlfriend, he immediately passed by some other woman to hit her up. But still...

I THINK YOU KIND OF DID WRECK HER. YOU FUCKED A GROUPIE, MAN.

This whole verse is just funny I have no explanation. Like. You’re in the same room, but because the door is locked, even though... you’re in the same room? You can’t talk? But she’s actually in the bathroom. And Uzi needs to take a piss, so he’s basically just forcing some romantic lovey-dovey crap, like babe I wanna caress you, I’m seriously gonna wreck the carpet right now, can we just move on from this.

But here’s the best/worst line, in my humble onion:

1. What does this have to do with anything,

2. He’s gonna fuck your sister and then kill her if you talk shit, I guess. So to my sister, I am very sorry.

I think Uzi improved on conveying emotion in his next album, or at least with the big single XO Tour Lif3, which I’ll defend until I’m dead. But as for You Was Right, well... he was wrong.

Número Ochoooooo!

Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran

Did you wanna fuck Ed Sheeran?

NO?

TOO BAD.

Ed Sheeran is a musician I enjoy purely for the purpose of mocking him. While he does, now and then, drop a good single like Don’t, Sing or Castle on the Hill, oftentimes he exudes only one thing:

PERPETUAL VIRGINITY!

Maybe it’s because of his voice. Or maybe it’s because he looks like a high schooler who hit puberty too late. Maybe it’s because I have THIS picture of him saved to my computer:

Look at him. Look at his fucking face.

He just exudes involuntary celibacy. Not like the reddit “hurgh durgh FEMOIDS” kind, just like. The “sees a naked boob and passes out bleeding like an anime character” kind.

Look at his fucking face. He looks like he’s not sure how to hold a woman’s hand. He looks like he doesn’t even know what it is. I don’t know how I’m expected to recognize Ed Sheeran as a sexually active man. The weird dinky three-tone beat ripped straight from Sia’s Cheap Thrills and pretty much every Rihanna song ever, namely Work, doesn’t help in the slightest. Because here’s the thing: Work and Cheap Thrills are not sex songs. If anything, they’re songs about the lower class and their struggles. No fucking required, unless you count Drake’s verse on Work.

Shape Of You is a sex song. And it’s about as sexy as wedging your dick in a paper bag.

It’s like it was supposed to be a romantic sex song, but the vibe I’m getting is a teenage boy up in your DMs asking (admittedly politely) for titty pics. 

He’s in love with the shape of you. Just your outline. Your contour. Like that one episode of Ed Edd ‘n Eddy where Jimmy somehow gets his linework stolen and has to be kept in a blender? He wouldn’t fuck a lady like that. You gotta have a... shape. Square. Circle. 

RECTANGLE GIRLS OF THE WORLD

This isn’t helping the whole “virginal loser” thing for the record.

The verses try to be more romantic, and totally fail at it because let’s be honest, if Ed Sheeran took me to an all-you-can-eat buffet on our first date, I’d probably kill him. McDonald’s is even preferable. I guess it’s also technically more expensive if you want seconds, but like... everyone there is probably sweaty... and the food usually looks really gross. Sometimes you have mashed potatoes in the steak bucket and it just completely ruins your day.

Ed’s wispy delivery really doesn’t help, as he has all the sexual energy of a castrated Charlie Puth. He’s not crazy. He does not fit the radio definition of “crazy”. He’s the musician that I just see the least as one who fucks. Puth gets more pussy. The ICP get more pussy. Meghan Trainor probably fucks more than he does, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was some kind of otherworldly plant being that reproduces via budding. 

Also I’d feel bad if I didn’t mention the video, which is literally, no joke, the video for Maroon 5′s One More Night. You know, where the lead singer becomes a badass boxer who punches shit. Now I’ll probably drop my feelings towards Maroon 5 with more detail in the future, but in short, I actually enjoy most of their singles. One More Night is a fun song in my opinion, not high art or anything, but I like it. Adam’s falsetto doesn’t bug me as much as other people. I’d prefer him singing in a high pitch than, say, Swae Lee.

(Dammit Swae, let me love you, you bastard.)

But see, I actually also prefer the VIDEO for One More Night. For two big reasons.

1. Adam Levine is at least a little more threatening than Ed Sheeran. Remember how fucking goofy Animals was BECAUSE Adam was singing it? Imagine if Ed was on that track. It’d be ridiculous.

and

2. One More Night was a song about how his relationship with his girlfriend basically feels like a warzone. The violence in the music video was, at some level, metaphorical. In Shape Of You it doesn’t have any emotional or symbolic relevance, so I just have to take at face-value that Ed Sheeran is a boxer, and...

That’s just not happening.

Numerum VII!

Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.

This would easily be higher up if not for the fact that, on the most technical level, it’s a joke song.

Bet you didn’t know that.

Yeah, the joke here is that these three are singing this ridiculous sex jam despite in real life all being happily married men (or at least were at the time this song came out, Robin’s wife promptly dropped him as soon as this album fell into our collective hands) who are way past their prime when it comes to flirting with chicks at the club. Also, Pharrell looks like an alien.

I’m not gonna extend this too much, as everyone’s already riffed on Blurred Lines more than we’ve probably riffed on other socially questionable songs like U.O.E.N.O. or Treat You Better. But this song sounds like it... COULD BE about sexual assault?

I’ll be fair and say that I don’t think this is straight-up a rape song. Because the thing is that it’s not actually about sex, it’s about picking up girls. But Robin’s approach is so slimy and gross that I’d honestly prefer, very specifically, to re-enact that one scene from The Simpsons’ Cape Feare where they drive through a bunch of cacti with Sideshow Bob hanging on the bottom of the car, and I’m Sideshow Bob, but facing the ground with my dick out, so it slides through the cactus like a sad, sad little pool noodle full of thumbtacks.

On one hand, there’s implications of attempting to get consent, and on the other hand, there’s also discussion of whether or not he’s actually GETTING consent or not. Maybe it’d work if Robin Thicke had more swagger to his personality, and if they removed all the stuff about “blurred lines”, it’d be less suspicious. But even then it’d still sound like a /r/niceguy trying to convince a girl that she WANTS to fuck him.

Once again I’d like to mention the video real quick, specifically the alternate version.

The topless version somehow makes it even LESS sexy. When the women were clothed, it definitely gave more of a vibe of “cheeky girl at a bar playing hard to get”, but once you have a bunch of topless chicks running around looking unhappy and bored, it reads more as... “harem sex dungeon”.

Not much else to say, really. Other than that Miley Cyrus has horrible taste in men.

Even you can do better, Miley.

Nummer Sechs!

The Hills - The Weeknd

The Hills is about as sexy as getting the bottom half of my body lost in the void while prime minister Shinzo Abe projectile vomits onto my face.

I actually like this song. But it doesn’t sound like sex. At all.

It does sound like a good horror movie soundtrack, which I guess...

I guess at least this line would make sense if it was?

Everything about this song kind of punches you. The beat punches you and the tune punches you and it’s really really loud. Literally everything about this song fits together EXCEPT THE PREMISE. This is, from what I can gather, a song about some dark spooky sex machine who’s helping a girl cheat on her boyfriend, but doesn’t really care because his drug problem or something is more important to him. And nothing fits with it.

Say what you want about Earned It, it sounds like a sex song. Maybe I’ll discuss that song in the future, but while Earned It creates the vibe of some sort of expensive Blank Space-esque rich guy mansion with a sexual twist, The Hills sounds more like... an explosion in a really dark place. Even the video works for the sound more than it works for the premise. Frankly, if this had been a song about a break-up or being sent to prison or something, I’d totally buy it. The Weeknd’s warbling baby voice can convey suffering more than it can convey sex.

The best way I can explain this is...

Imagine if Rolex was backed by the ending track from A Serbian Film. That’s the tonal problem we’re talking here.

Though lyrically, The Hills isn’t high art either.

Bragging about erectile dysfunction: Counting this and Young Thug’s Lifestyle, I guess we can call this a theme now. I hate it. Also, Weeknd rhymes “simple” with “simple”. And the fact that this is a fuckjam makes the title drop of The Hills Have Eyes even more questionable. I’d honestly rather hear a sex song based on Cannibal Holocaust.

Also, fun fact, this song has a remix featuring Eminem. Fucking EMINEM. That is the least sexy rapper you could have picked. You could have chosen anyone for your sex song, and you picked the man responsible for such classic sensual love songs as Stan and Just Lose It.

Dear Weeknd, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’...

Still a song I like. Just... pretend it’s not about boning.

Numero Cinque!

Bad Things - Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello

I debated deep in my heart as to whether or not I could, in good taste, put this song on the list. Because I really shouldn’t expect a whole lot from ex-Fifth Harmony member as well as the only Fifth Harmony member anyone knows the name of, Camila Cabello, as well as this weirdo Machine Gun Kelly, who looks like a very failed attempt to clone Macklemore.

But then I read this.

Wait, this is a love song?

I thought it was just... about like, fucking.

ALSO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAMPLE OUT OF MY HEAD IN A LOVE SONG.

And most importantly, and much less aggressively, why does this song sound like it’s about, like... abuse.

Like, yeah. You’re- you’re giving each other scars. And guess what! This is actually edited.

Somehow the edit makes it both better and worse. Because on one hand, like, bruises usually sounds like more of an abuse thing. When I think of an abuse victim I see bruises. But, also, scars are... technically a bigger deal? Bruises go away. If you’re scarring up your SO, then you have some serious issues. And MGK’s uninterested delivery makes it way worse, as well as the Fastball sample that is from a song about hurting your lover. Which kind of sounds, uh, a lot like... what’s going on here.

And, uh, I guess you could argue they’re in a really intense BDSM relationship? I guess Camila seems pretty into it, and not really in like, a Stockholm Syndrome way. But the other thing that takes up a good chunk of this song is the comparison between drug dependence and romance.

Which really doesn’t help?

Like drugs aren’t a good thing. Honestly I feel like Kesha using this metaphor was a sign of things to come considering what happened to her in 2017. Because, here’s a crazy thought, drugs may be addictive... but they also hurt you.

Like an abusive partnerokay we’re moving on sorry.

Numero Neljä!

Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes

Oh hey, I like, just mentioned this one.

Honestly, Kodak Black’s Side N**** would’ve taken this spot, except that I don’t wanna think about Kodak Black. Ever. So you get the whiter version of it.

Treat You Better is another one of those songs that makes the idea of dating the singer sound insanely unappealing. But unlike You Was Right above, Treat You Better has next to no self-awareness.

I’ll admit that I don’t really hate Shawn Mendes. I actually like Stitches, the tune is nice enough and regardless of how you feel about this apparently 6′2 tower of twink flesh, you can’t really argue that he hasn’t got a decent set of pipes on him. 

But damn if his songwriters aren’t trying to sour my opinion of him at every turn.

If this were an actual review, I’d complain about how the backing guitar sounds exactly LIKE Stitches, but the problems arise in the lyrics, and the way the video plays off of the lyrics.

oh wait excuse me

Alright sorry.

But in case you can’t tell, Treat You Better is basically a niceguy anthem. I mean, when I read the title I thought it was like the earlier-mentioned Fastball’s Out Of My Head or Hoobastoobaskeeboodidillybaboobastank’s The Reason where the male singer does some nonspecific bad thing to their SO and vows to be better in the future. You know, like--

(YAH... HUH... I PROMISE TO, UH... BE BETTER... YIEAH...)

But no, actually. Treat You Better is more equivalent to Daya’s Hide Away, which you could honestly consider as on this list in the exact same spot because they’re basically the same song.

I suspect the reason nobody wants to date Daya is because she dresses like Heather Chandler in the 2018 Heathers remake.

I also suspect her and Shawn would absolutely love one another’s company. 

To be absolutely fair, neither of these songs take the stance that real life nicefolk take, because it’d make them look absolutely insufferable. The big reason I chose Treat You Better over Hide Away for this list is that the video tries to imply that Shawn’s object of attraction is being abused by her current boyfriend. Which I guess makes sense, but...

I love how the combination of the song and the video essentially imply that Shawn’s got this ladyfriend who’s being beaten to shit by her boyfriend and his only response is man, this is why you should’ve dated me instead! I would be WAY better to you than that guy!

Instead of, you know.

This guy is seriously terrible to you and I’m calling the police.

Or better yet!

Kill him.

Also this girl’s just not... a very good actress. I’m not asking for a Hollywood performance, just, you know. Some kind of expression other than “mild disinterest” when you’re about to get your shit kicked in would be nice.

Really the big issue is that, regardless of whether or not we’re supposed to see the girl as an abuse victim, Shawn will forever see himself as the victim. Which means it’s either

A. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is a taken woman and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

or B. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is in an abusive relationship... and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

So either way, Shawn Mendes’ greatest worry isn’t your safety, or if you’re happy in your current relationship, his one worry is getting his spindly little baby-soft white boy hands into your undies. And frankly, I just don’t need that in my life!

the third one

Honey I’m Good - Andy Grammar

How much do you wanna bet all these couples broke up/got divorced after featuring in this thing? 

I labored over how this one matched up with #2, but decided it was at least making some sad, sad attempt to promote faithfulness in couples. See the plot of this song written by Andy Grammar, who I’m assuming is a one-hit wonder because I’d certainly never heard of him until this song came out, is stated very clearly:

I think the best part about this is the way it’s worded. “I gotta be like oh baby, nah baby” makes him sound so annoyed. Like, “Ugh, I wanna bone you, but I wanna be nice to my wife or whatever, so I GUESS I’ll turn you down... Sigh...”

So this is essentially a self-fellating anthem congratulating Andy’s character for not cheating on his wife. Because, as he says,

“Yeah, babe, better men than me have cheated on their wives, so it’d be totally fine if I DID, but I’m such a Nice Dude that I won’t do it. For my wife. Smooch.”

One could argue that he’s supposed to be drunk, but let’s be real here: Being drunk doesn’t make you lie. If anything, it makes you more honest. Booze is a truth serum. Now if he had just gotten out of dental care after getting his wisdom teeth pulled and his hot lady dentist was trying to flirt with him, maybe I could imagine it making sense.

And once again, the Devil’s Advocate could say, “well if he’s being honest, then this shouldn’t be a problem, he’s faithful to his wife”, but the thing is that he’s not even totally drunk yet.

Translation: If I have another drink, I’ll be so boozed up that my honest feelings will make me want to fuck that ass.

He’s tipsy at best, which is why he’d admit to considering this at all, but if he were more drunk he’d totally fuck this assumedly more attractive woman. So for all we know he’ll go back to the club tomorrow, have one too many, and considering how well this stupid song did, he’d throw enough money at the next Cambodian prostitute he runs into to buy her a mansion.

The congratulatory tone to the music doesn’t really help, it really does feel like Grammar is sucking himself off for having the “willpower” to not be a completely terrible person. The only thing that makes it even more hilariously sad is the video of elderly couples lip-syncing to it, all the while holding up signs or wearing shirts that say how many years they’ve been together. It’s as if they’re bragging about how their marriage is bound to last way longer than the marriage in the song.

“Mildred, do you promise not to bone a random guy at the bar when I’m home?” “Only if you promise not to do that either, you rascal you.”

For all I know, Andy Grammar’s a great guy! But with only this song to go by, I’m obligated to assume that he’s a complete dildo who wears a mask of faux-Southern charm when he’s sober and avoids getting drunk so that mask doesn’t shloff off of his face like he’s a juggalo at the official sprinkler festival.

The weirdest part of this to me is that this song is so catchy we actually fell for it, if only for awhile. And its happy tone kind of makes you forget the lyrics. I almost feel like that was intentional. Like, his producers looked at the lyrics and just said, “Boys, let’s fix this shit.” It’s not even good production, it’s just really catchy! Fuck!

All in all, Honey I’m Good is about as romantic as listening to my parents argue at 12 in the morning. Not only is there no reason Andy Grammar deserves any congrats on his mediocre “feat”, but he really doesn’t seem to love his wife that much, if a shot of tequila and a scantily-clad cokewhore is enough to wreck his faith.

Numbah TWOOOOO!

What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

I’d honestly argue that Avril Lavigne’s character as a singer is equally sociopathic to that of Taylor Swift and Cher Lloyd. I feel like after Hello Kitty slaughtered her reputation and career forever, we kind of forgot how genuinely terrifying she was. She’s like every horrible thing about being a teenager squeezed into one person who’s way too old to be pretending to be a teenager. I mean, look at Girlfriend. The only thing more terrifying than Girlfriend is, well, What The Hell. 

Because, you know. That’s not a problem or anything.

Rather than the obsessive character from Girlfriend, Avril in this song is the complete opposite. She doesn’t make connections with anybody, and when she’s sick of a relationship, she’ll move onto her boyfriend’s friends, strangers, fans, non-fans, parents, teachers, Todd Howard, etcetera. So she’ll go around macking on anything she wants and then have blase, slightly annoyed reaction when her boyfriend is completely horrified by it.

(This? This is my greatest fear.)

Her disinterest really comes out in the lyrics, and her sales pitch is, basically, this is just who I am and you should fuck me even if you don’t like it. Especially since, while I hate to be the guy who says it, if this was a song by a guy, everyone would fucking hate it. I actually don’t mind the beat or the tune, honestly, I listen to this song sometimes when I’m out of music that rises above the bar of “guilty pleasure”. That almost makes this worse. Everything is delivered with the disinterest of a Future verse, as if this is just a normal thing, and looking back imagining middle school me singing along to this is pretty fucked. 

Not that I really blame this for any kind of influence on children. Honestly I don’t think anyone was really listening to the lyrics, they were just having fun. It’s fun! That’s pretty messed up.

By the way, I think this bit on the bridge says a lot about Avril as a writer (and maybe even as a person):

I love the assumption that this guy is still devoted to her after she has cheated on him and shown no remorse whatsoever. Why would he really want her back? Personally I’d say something along the lines of “fuck you, bitch, go get syphilis somewhere where it can’t be transferred to me.” Bye bye!

Really, though, the more Avril Lavigne tried to lean into her teen rebellion phase, the more I realized how old she was. And as she got older, and tried to be more rebellious, it became less endearing and more sociopathic. Maybe she’s a really nice person, but at the same time, to write a song like this, I can’t really tell. Especially when THIS is how she describes it:

Avril, you read the lyrics, right? Of course you did, you sang it. Jesus, lady.

Well, before we move onto the big weiner, let’s talk honorable mentions!

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

Surprised that Taylor didn’t make it on here? It came down to the wire, but in the end, the concept of screwing in a pile of jizzy sheets in a range rover bumped this one off the list. Still, though, Taylor’s attempts to be “relatable” end up making her sound desperate. And also Taylor’s pre-existing ideas of why she’s “better” for him than this other girl kinda remind me of...

Hide Away - Daya

I almost wish I had found space for this song since I hate it so much. But really my biggest problem with it is that Daya sings like a rubber goose and that, of course, the nicegirl/niceguy mentality needs to die and people like Daya are perpetuating it.

Don’t Wanna Know - Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar

Yikes, dude. Just... yikes.

Marvin Gaye - Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor

Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor are two beacons of sexlessness and this song does Marvin Gaye a disservice. The only reason I left it off is because it’s honestly been discussed to death, I’m almost like, tired of hearing about it. 

Side N**** - Kodak Black

This isn’t even a niceguy song, it’s literally “you should date me because I’ll shoot you and your man if you don’t”. I’d have loved to make space for it, but I don’t even want to listen to this song in full, or talk about this guy. At this point Kodak Black is keeping the fire lit with controversy. I’d like to just dump water on it.

NUMBER ONE!

Sigh. This one’s obvious enough.

Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor ft. Satan, probably

Sometimes you just gotta throw your hands up and say STOP, MEGHAN! STOP!

STOP!

Meghan Trainor is an artist who I actually do understand the appeal of: She appeals to white feminist teenage girls and soccer moms that still read Twilight even though their daughters are long since over it. But, sadly, that’s two demographics of people I hate, and  thus, I find myself hating everything Meghan Trainor puts out. The only remotely passable single I remember by her was Lips Are Moving. Dear Future Husband isn’t even my least favorite fucking Meghan Trainor song. (It’d probably be No, if I had to pick.) But god, if this song isn’t just... oof.

Let’s get the shoehorned feminist message out of the way:

We know you have a job, nobody’s expecting you to cook, why would you bake pies all day, who needs that many pies, no you can’t write a hook, and these views are insanely outdated for anyone who doesn’t have a Return of Kings account. So great, you have a job and can’t cook. Cool. That’s a thing with a lot of people.

Honestly the insistence that she “deserves it” even though she makes no attempt to prove herself a good wife aside from saying she’ll buy you groceries and fuck you sometimes. This song kind of lays on the assumption that you’ll do literally anything because, duh, she’s famous musician Meghan Trainor, and if you don’t do these things, YOU JUST HATE FAT GIRLS.

(Mary Lambert never pulls this shit. And she weighs more than the gold toilet you use, while you’re using it, MEGHAN.)

Honestly though, listening to Meghan Trainor songs just kind of turn me into that obnoxious guy on 4chan who unironically uses the term “feminazi” in 2018. Because really, she fits every feminist stereotype in existence, and she never says anything of any worth.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way--

Acting crazy... how?

Do we mean like, Ren & Stimpy crazy, or Avril Lavigne crazy?

Because I’m terrified it’s the latter.

Meghan kind of talks about her theoretical future husband like he’s a dog, or some other kind of animal that does badass tricks. Essentially obligating him to constantly do what she wants, when she wants it, and never disagree with her even if she’s in the wrong, because then she MIGHT fuck him. Or, uh, excuse me,

Some KISSES! :D

You like KISSES, don’t you? Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? IT’S YOU! YOU’RE A GOOD BOY!

...

[clears throat]

It doesn’t help that this song is, essentially, just a list of requests and things this guy has to do. So while Meghan can do whatever she wants, her husband is still required to do the traditionalist romance crap like buy her things, lose every argument, hold doors, accept potential insanity, and be “classy”.

Honestly, don’t let Daya and Meghan Trainor do a single together. I think the pain of hearing it will overtake my body. Like that forcible body-wracking feeling you get when you dry heave.

The best part being that I haven’t even touched on the worst line.

So like, ignoring all of the other shit, if a girlfriend or potential wife said this to me, I’d jump ship. Like, controlling every other aspect of your life wasn’t enough, she also gets to decide what people you see! So if she doesn’t really like your good friend John, then he’s banned from this house forever. And forget about seeing your grandpa. She doesn’t care if he has cancer! You fucking MISOGYNIST PIG! LOVE YOUR WIFE!

Urgh. Of course the song that combines the insanity of What The Hell with the me-me-me attitude of Treat You Better and the bored lack of emotional connection in You Was Right would top this list. I’m glad Meghan Trainor killed her own career in 2016, because I don’t think I’d be able to handle another year of these shitty faux-feminist throwback jams. Thanks, Me Too!

If I was you, I’d wanna anyone besides me, too!

Also, if anyone’s curious about ratings I’d give these, here you go.

10 - 2/5 stars. Not good enough to be mediocre.

9 - 1.5/5 stars, mostly because Lil Uzi can do better, which is half a saving grace and half a detriment.

8 - 1/5 stars. Ech.

7 - 2/5 stars. I’ll admit the Blurred Lines controversy was blown out of proportion, but it’s still not that great of a song.

6 - 3.5/5 stars. I can get down to this, it’s just... not sexy.

5 - 0/5 stars. RIP Fastball.

4 - .5/5 stars. Only because Shawn’s slurring is funny.

3 - 2/5 stars. At least it’s fun, I guess.

2 - 2.5/5 stars. Again, at least it’s enjoyable if you ignore the words.

1 - 0/5 stars. No more Meghan, please.

[spirify]

Artificial Flower― CH. 6

w. Rielin to never fade; only to live.

“Behind the flashiness of an eternal flower petal, there’s a liar who has never bloomed nor withered.” -Eddy Kim.

BGM | smyang piano: hug me at 4 o'clock | bts v

He was always alone. No one looked out for the young child, all of their attention was directed toward the other one. Not one person gave him a single glance. It was as if he was a ghost, as if his existence was never there to begin with.

Eid and Add.

Twin brothers. They looked and sounded extremely similar. Their hair, their eyes, nose, lips, height, voice, everything was indistinguishable, even their own parents got confused at some times. So similar yet they were so different.

Eid was the one who mastered his skills in every aspect. He was highly intelligent considering his young age. He was always so kind to every human being, not one person have seen him fury. He respected everyone, and was so careful not to make a wrong mistake. He was perfect. Everyone's dream.

And there was Add, the younger brother. The delinquent. Because of his temper, he always came back home with scars across his lips, his fingers had hint of blood. He wasn't necessarily smart, perhaps because he never tried. Not one person have seen him smile. He hated everyone, because everyone hated him. He never experienced love, except from his older, twin brother.

"You got in a fight. Again?"

Add was never jealous of Eid. Instead, he admired him. He wanted to change and be like his older brother. But how could he? How could he just copy his own brother and live his life like his older brother? He didn't wanted to get in Eid's way, he wished for his brother's success- even if that meant tearing his own life down.

"Don't mind it,"

"Let me see it,"

Eid said as he approached his younger brother while holding onto a bandaid. Add glimpsed down at the floor, afraid of showing his older brother his foolish self. Yet Eid stared at him with a gentle look, his lips were smiling at the sight of his younger brother acting like a child that's pouting.

"So…,"

Eid said and with those words, Add glanced up. Eid's eyes were filled with worry as he stared at the scars. As he placed the bandage on a tiny cut that has been made across Add's cheek, he continued.

"Who won?"

"What?"

"The fight. Who won?"

"...,"

"Don't tell me you lost… or I'm not gonna consider you as my twin brother,"

"What? Of course I won,"

"Hahaha,"

Eid chuckled at Add's reply. A hint of gentle smile was painted across Add's lips as he tried to maintain his poker face. Yet it didn't work out and the two bursted their laughter. Then at that moment, the sound of phone ringing echoed into their apartment.

"Oh a call,"

Eid said as he finished patching the bandage across Add's face. Eid quickly walked over to his phone, and as he stared into the screen, a rather big smile was painted across his lips. Add stared at him in confusion yet remained quiet as he watched his older brother.

"Hi, Eve…,"

An unfamiliar name was called by his older brother's name. Yet Add wasn't highly interested. Probably one of his new friend he made in college, he thought as he whipped his own phone out of his pocket. Add decided to play a game with his phone as he blocked out the conversation Eid was having with unknown, until he heard those three words-

"I love you,"

"...,"

"Bye,"

And Eid hung up the call. He pushed his phone into his pocket as he took a quick glimpse over to Add, who was giving him a mischievous smile.

"Who was that?"

He said with a rather playful tone.

"Um…,"

"Girlfriend?"

"Add…!"

Eid's face quickly turned into a color of a tomato as the word 'girlfriend' echoed into his ear.

"Let me see,"

"See what?"

"A picture of her,"

Add said with a hint of curiosity as he walked over to his brother. Add knew for a fact, whatever her name is, was his first girlfriend. Add knew his brother very well, that he could tell right away if he was hiding something rather important. Eid hesitated at first, but decided to show his little brother a picture of his precious one as he browsed through his gallery.

"That's her…,"

"...,"

"Isn't she pretty?"

"...Yeah…,"

Then the name that Eid called earlier during his call echoed into Add's mind.

Eve.

How pretty.

Even though all he saw was just one picture of her, he realized the weird, tingling sensation within him right away- he was in love with her.

The house was unusually quiet; there would usually be mixture of voices from television, the water sound from the shower, loud music coming from one of the rooms, yet there wasn't any of that. Add took off his earphones as he gazed around his room in silence. The only people in the house was just Add himself and his older brother. Add heard loud noises earlier, just mere ten minute ago it seemed as if Eid was furious, Add have never seen Eid yell with anger. He assumed he was on the phone with someone considering the fact that no one except Add himself is physically in the house to hear his screams. Yet the house was quiet now. Add carefully opened his bedroom door and walked out, only to figure out Eid's door was closed and locked. Add automatically assumed his brother wants to be left alone as he tried to calm himself. Add slightly wondered why he was so angry and who was his anger directed to, however he decided to quickly brush the thought away considering it's not his business.

Add walked over to the kitchen and looked through the cabinets, only to let out a sigh. No chocolate. He thought as he closed the cabinets and walked over to the front door. Add lazily put on his sneakers and threw his hoodie over his head as he walked out of the house. With a lazy sigh, the male opened the gate and walked out, only to be surprised at the sight of the female he always wanted to see.

"Eve…,"

Her name was unintentionally whispered by Add. However, Eve didn't seem to realize anything weird.

"Eid…!"

The name that his beloved called upon wasn't his name, but his brother's. Eve loved Eid. She doesn't even know Add's existence. It stung his heart, yet he wanted to see her smile.

"Eid, I'm sorry,"

At that moment, she quickly dashed up and embraced the male with her petite arms that could barely be wrapped around his waist. Her voice was filled with guilt as she shaked while being in his arms.

"What…?"

Although Add automatically figured out that Eid never told Eve about his younger twin brother due to his delinquent actions, he was extremely confused. What is she sorry about?

"The fight we had earlier… The more I think about it, it's actually my fault,"

Her delicate voice was stern and serious, even Add could tell her desperation of wanting to apologize to Eid. However, he wasn't Eid, he was Add.

As she spoke, Add glanced down and realized her cheeks were flushing hint of redness.

She's embarrassed.

The question about what kind of argument did they have, which was lingering within his mind for quite a bit quickly diminished at the sight of Eve acting shy in front of him. Although none of her words were meant for Add himself, it didn't matter- as long as he could hold her tightly within his arms just like this.

"Are you really sorry?"

Add asked rather playfully. Eve slightly released herself from his embrace and looked up with confusion, her golden eyes shimmering as the moonlight reflected her beautiful eyes.

Adorable…

Add thought to himself at the sight of the delicate female that was glancing up with the puppy-eyed look while being in his arms. She was so petite within his arms, it felt as if one, strong hug could break her; that's how precious she felt to Add.

"Of- of course!"

She stammered at the question that was suddenly asked by Add. However, that only made him burst into a chuckle.

"Then kiss me,"

With those playful words, Eve's golden eyes widened with surprise.

"Wh- what?"

Her cheeks were getting more and more red with mixture of embarrassment and shyness. Her two petite hands that were playfully tugging onto his hoodie were gripping onto his clothes with stronger force, and her lips that were slightly gaped closed suddenly as if she was determined. Slightly surprised at her sudden actions, as Add was about to take a step back, she stepped forward and pressed her lips gently onto his.

However, that only lasted for a second. It was a light peck.

Is this… what Eid do?

Add wondered to himself with a hint of disappointment. Do they call this a kiss?

Pathetic.

Before she could draw back, he quickly leaned forward and matched his lips against hers. Eve's eyes widened and her shoulders flinched as she felt the sensation of his tongue entering her mouth, gently caressing her own tongue. Indeed, it was something that Eid have never done. However, because it was something Eid had never done, it felt like something new, it felt like she was getting more closer with him. At the new sensation of the kiss that actually felt romantic, she gently closed her eyes.

After couple seconds, Add slowly backed his lips away from hers yet still kept the intimate distance between their lips. His forehead was gently pressing onto hers, and their lips were still touching one another, yet the distance between their lips allowed the two to whisper to each other.

"Do you love me,"

He whispered with a cautious voice, slightly excited yet afraid of her answer.

"I do,"

She whispered back without hesitation.

Liar.

Yet he knew, that Eve doesn't even know the existence of Add. Eve loves Eid, not Add. Although that fact painfully digged into his heart, it didn't matter. As long as he was able to see her like this, talk to her like this, embrace her like this, even if he lived the life as Eid, even if he threw away his life as Add, it was fine. Because he loved her.

note:

hi all! this chapter is mixture of Add's and Eve's past! Mostly focused on Add. /so you see Add wasn't a psycho before... lol.

sorry i had to break their dramatic scene from last chapter but this chapter is really important! it shows how Add falls in love with Eve and how he met Eve, and how Eid having Eve as his girlfriend is the only thing that Add feels jealous of!

next chapter will be back to the present, sorry if i caused confusion!

and why is this song so sad oml

oh and last chapter, i said whether if i should go on hiatus or not considering i only had this chapter written. but today for some reason i felt the need to write! this week, i've been on a role with new stories like Lucid Dream and Old Melody then i wrote the entire ending... lol. so technically, this story is finished! i will be posting one chapter every 2-3 weeks and the last chapter is chapter 10 :D

Rielin’s Fanfiction Site

[xteeninreallife]

K-Pop in 2019: The Reckoning

I never imagined that my first post here would be about k-pop. I actually “founded” this tumblog a couple of years ago with the intent of writing personal think pieces that were separate from my very shit-posty original tumblog. Maybe it would be about life, maybe politics, maybe personal beliefs. Probably with the occasional shit post entry thrown in for humour. I really didn’t think k-pop would make a serious appearance here.

I would never have been able to predict the nuclear dumpster fire to detonate in 2019 that the Burning Molka (or Sun) scandal would become. I don’t think anyone would have been able to imagine a world where several major top pop stars in Korea, plus the head of one of the Big 3 entertainment agencies would see their careers implode at the speed of sound.

To be honest, I still just feel a whole lot of disappointment in Seungri. He was the maknae, always the butt of the brotherly jokes, the forgotten, or ~useless one in BIGBANG. *Insert “Tyra: We were all rooting for you” gif here.* That was Seungri. JJY sounds like a creep based on his earlier related scandal. People have speculated about Yang Hyun-Suk’s shady dealings for ages. As for Choi Jong-Hoon, Yong Jun-Hyung, Lee Jong-Hyun, Roy Kim, and Eddy Kim, I didn’t really pay attention to them as individuals to form any opinion on them beyond the music they released.

But this post is about Lee Minwoo. Because as much as I love BIGBANG, Shinwha has been one of my favourite groups for almost two decades.

I count Shinhwa as one of my top artists/groups EVER, not just within the context of K-pop. Minwoo was my first bias, even if I had no idea about the concept within the world of k-pop fandom. As I grew out of my youthful fangirl phase and into adulthood, I recognized that he served as a mentor to many junior artists in the entertainment industry. To me, he was a pioneering example of how someone could evolve from the rigid confines of the first generation k-pop robotic idol, into an artist who was in control of their own career and business dealings. Shinhwa was the first k-pop group to fight for the right to own their name, and they beat one of the Big 3 (the Granddaddy: SM Entertainment!) companies to do so. They can serve as examples for groups like Highlight (formerly BEAST, and coincidently Yong Jun-Hyung’s former group), and T-ARA who leave their original labels but go to court for the right to continue as a unit. Shinhwa is today the longest-running k-pop group with zero changes to their line-up (and no disbandments). First and second gen groups like H.O.T., TVXQ!, Girls’ Generation, Super Junior, and Sechskies cannot say the same.

So, reading the breaking news story in early July that Minwoo had been accused of sexual harassment at a club was hard to take. I normally take zero issue with writing off celebrities who have been accused of, or convicted of sexual violence. Before #MeToo became a movement, my personal trauma of being raped in my mid-twenties had made me a staunch ally and advocate of the protection and rights of victims and survivors of sexual violence. For example, I grew up absolutely loving “The Cosby Show.” I still think it is one of the greatest shows of all time. But I cannot, and know I will not ever be able to watch another episode since Bill Cosby’s alleged crimes came to light in the flood of accusations a few years ago. At that point, what I had tried to dismiss as rumour became unavoidable and impossible to ignore.

I have honestly struggled with the news of Minwoo’s scandal. I hoped it was a stupid, one-off, drunken act. He would take time off to reflect, maybe seek help for alcohol abuse, maybe come back afterward as an humbled and apologetic person. I hoped it actually was just a misunderstanding. But as the days went by, I had to self-reflect and wonder why I took issue with standing with the women who made the original complaint.

No one likes to think of someone whom they admire to be with fault, and certainly not with a criminal fault. Junjin received backlash for saying that he was standing with Minwoo and that everything would be resolved soon if we all just believed in him. Like Minwoo was the Chanjo Tinkerbell. But I can understand where his comments are coming from. To him, Minwoo is not simply a bandmate or a co-worker; he is a brother. As a fan, I get it.

But this is a particularly precarious time for k-pop stars who have gone on for years in the comfort of knowing that their bad deeds were being covered up and taken care of; perhaps by agencies, perhaps by more powerful figures in the greater society. I am not saying that Minwoo must be a serial offender. Only time will bring any other truths to light, if they exist. I am saying that like the men previously mentioned, I do not believe that he will be able to come back from this.

Shinhwa will serve as an interesting case study, to say the least. Where FT Island’s Lee Hong Ki seemingly had no issue in immediately distancing himself from Choi Jong-hoon (see his epic “I eat well, I sleep well, I even poop well” comment to a fan), I can see that the other five members of Shinhwa will not be able to do so as easily. Shinhwa’s brotherhood of over twenty years has become as much, if not more of their brand as their music. I can see them choosing a passive Super Junior-esque route of quietly putting Minwoo on an unspoken but permanent hiatus until his “contract ends” and he decides to “retire” and relinquish his control as co-CEO of Shinhwa Company (see Kangin’s and Sungmin’s eternal hiatuses due to their own scandals. And I use that term very loosely regarding Sungmin because I think it’s ridiculous).

As of the date of this post, Minwoo and Eric Mun are listed as Shinhwa Company’s CEOs, but their official Twitter (which is in Korean) does not appear to make any mention of the accusations and investigation against Minwoo, and he did not receive the annual birthday salutation post on their Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram accounts. Clearly, the members have chosen to be cautious, perhaps recognizing that this is a damaged ship with only two outcomes: bail out in a lifeboat for five, or sink as united captains.

Any of the members of Shinhwa could easily go their separate ways. Junjin and Hyesung have had successful solo releases in recent years, Dongwan has found recent success as an actor in dramas and musicals, Andy has been making a comeback in variety show appearances this year after his own gambling scandal, and Eric is one of the most popular commercial spokespersons, and drama actors in the industry. None would have to make an outspoken break with Minwoo in order to maintain the success of their solo ventures.

There is no doubt that Minwoo’s absence in Shinhwa would be noticed. He is a main vocalist, the choreographer, and one of the most recognizable faces of the group. Which leads me to ask myself, am I really just having trouble accepting the end of my teenaged idol fantasy? I am a grown woman, I like to think that I can take a hard stand, but I find myself stalling on this matter. Perhaps because Shinhwa has made so much of their brotherhood and senior status as their brand; they are the forever six. Shinhwa is not just a music group, it is each member. It is equally Eric, equally Hyesung, equally Dongwan, equally Andy, equally Junjin, and yes, equally Minwoo. I think that I am not ready to mourn the end of this group. I don’t think if they were to release another album that included Minwoo’s participation, that I would be able to support it.

Honestly, I hate that. I do feel let down. I feel disappointed. I feel lied to. And I feel silly for feeling these things because I’m not an 18 year old girl bumping her “weird” Korean music in her little car as she zips around her suburban Texas neighbourhood on a Friday night. I am an adult who just doesn’t want to let that girl go. I want to protect her from the bad things ahead. I want to protect myself.