#knowing that i cant actually transition now and wont be able to for a long long time

[caladamn]

I watched I saw the tv glow and- it hit so hard. the longer I spend thinking about it, it just gets better and better and more and more painful (in a good way, a necessary way).

it helped me see that i have to transition. I have to and i WILL.

maddy/tara's monologue. GOD. and when she painted there is still time on the road. I didn't know how much I needed to see those words.

jane schoenbrun, thank you so much.

[teddy-the-queer-wizard]

i realize i am very privileged. i realize that even if my family dont "agree" with me being trans they probably would have left me to it to some extent even if i was worried about arguments and judgment.

i mean they could throw me out i suppose but it isn't like my gut reaction its just a fear.

but i was afraid of these things and still am.

and because of this i kept waiting for the right moment to come out to them.

and trump got elected and i was just like i cant wait much longer and hes not going to be able to make that much difference that fast

because while not super great there were things in place that hadn't been before. and to some extent i would have been able to say "right now i can transition and it wont make much legal difference"

now of course things are back tracking hard.

back to being officially crazy or delusional or brainwashed by trends or worse.

and. i still obviously want to move forward.

cant argue that its safe to do so. that things are not getting worse. but i still can physically transition as of right now and....

im scared of course that will go away. and that if it does i will have started for nothing because what little i will have done will partially revert and i will have painted an obvious target on myself without even being able to reap the benefits of even idk like a beard.

like even if my family didn't care if i was trans,they would argue against me starting to transition now because of the possible ramifications.

the thing is. i dont want to wait. waited long enough. i want to do. be. feel. exist. be taken of hold in my own life.

it has gone from not being a thing. to im not special. l to oh its an actual possibility but im not special enough. its not allowed for me. to a possibility. to a delicious day dream. to a wish. to a hope. to a desire.

im not at need yet. but i am not waiting until i want to claw my skin off if thats what it takes.

i have shoved this down inside of me and protected myself from out side criticism while criticizing myself the whole time.

i am. scared. tired. angey. and sick. of how things are going and we're less than a month into this bullshit.

i am not going to give them any legal reason to do anything- though soon it may be just being on t might be enough idk - i will not seek legal transitions. i will not get a diagnosis of dysphoria or what have you so something can be fed to my insurance. hell i probably wont tell work company.

i will just slowly change and when people ask and i dont know them like that i will say i have a health condition. if anyone presses further im working on it with my doctor. thats all they get to know.

thats not something anyone can act on as of yet. a d if just being on t becomes something actionable i will of course revisit my opinions. if they take the ability to take t away i will revisit my options.

but im not going to obey in advance of thier obvious intentions. im not going to just change my mind or how i feel because theyre going "actually fact check this is bullshit" why you lying like that.

i know im not alone, i know there are so many trans people in the world. i know there have been throughout history.

and even if it was proven that sure trans people exist but i am not one of them i would want to try transitioning until i felt for myself that it wasn't what i wanted.

and what harm would it do? oh no ill be modifying my body un nessesarily . itas my body what does it matter.

the health concerns - im willing to assume the risks

ill be stuck as an ugly girl - matter of opinion but im kinda not "taking care of my appearance" anywas, a lot of the changes will revert, and the ones that dont im fairly aware of and am will to accept the risk of having to keep even if i dont end up liking transitioning

the legal or job related ramifications - im not seeking any changes from outside forces right now, im not having it documented, and if going to planned parenthood or taking t becomes reason enough to come for me in the night - or day - i probably have bigger issues and theres too many comments on the internet for me not to probably be dragged away for "reeducation" or "mental help"

if my job fires me because i start growing a beard and i decide its too much of a hassle to mitigate that by shaving regularly (or i just. want a beard) or because my voice gets annoying and then drops. or my boobs disappear later then idk i sue them for looking at me and going "thats an ugly girl" because like. i aint telling them i aint an "ugly girl" and what they suspect aint actionable as it has not changed anything about my job preformance.

also all this shit takes time. theres gonna be people fighting back. theres going to be well actuallys. theres gotta be actual legislation.

socially becoming a target - to some extent it is a free country. to some extent the right to swing your fist ends with the other persons nose. if that changes too much more my having a vigina will work just as much against me socially as me rocking a beard.

i am so tired. i feel like ive been strangling this feeling inside me all my life though i can only prove that i have since 2018. thats what? 7 years? pretty long ass time. ive reflected and consider enough.

im ready to act.

it shouldn't make a difference. i will mitigate the things i know will. i acknowledge that even then it will make a difference.

but this is not up for debate. i wont let it be.

somehow...

im awful at setting boundaries.

but this isnt going away because some assholes have decided its not real. its not going away because it would be safer if it did. its not going away because my family will probably think its stupid and i could just not.

i am getting ahead of the point where i just not cant.

by a slim margin.

this is not a submission for review. this is notification of whats going to happen.

[cheeseandbretboy]

since turns out informed consent is practiced in australia i dont really need a gd diagnosis and i hoped if i got one my mother would believe me but its been so long and ive distanced myself from her because i thought she wouldn't even speak to me, she said she will probably still stay in contact but wont accept me and will use the wrong name and pronouns forever and i dont think i can stay around her a lot if thats the case the point of therapy was that she would understand me but if its not gonna go anywhere whats the point?? ik what i want ive been thinking about this my entire life and sigh she expects me to be 100% fine after YEARS of being ignored, she knew i was having a hard time and that i was cutting myself and starving and wanting to kms but its only now when my sister brings it up she thinks its best to do it, and like, wow! it is actually too late. i got myself through all that alone and now that im stable she wants to 'explore other options'. i tried explaining conversion therapy does not work but she doesn't care. idk what to do chat! sister said to wait it out and she will probably get better but i doubt it. i dont know if i can mentally take it if she cant just respect me, i get not being supportive but just using the right prns cant be that difficult, at least TRYING?! she said i was selfish and overreacting when i said it would be difficult for me to stay in touch regularly if that was the case ughggh and i thought she was a woke liberal but even she wont use other prns or terms to refer to me (ok that i get, maybe she will when im older) but she blatantly said it's a phase for me, that being queer is a phase nowadays and i just couldnt really believe she said that. i told her why the fuck would i want to be trans for a trend if i will literally not be able to come to the country where all my family is and where im from because i'll either be killed or arrested, and she said 'exactly, you said it doesnt matter what others think so why would you medically transition' and ok she doesn't understand thats ok, i tried explaining i have dysphoria but she cut me off saying im too negative and she cant talk to me about this. 'i dont gaf about your identity, i dont want to talk about this. just shut up and keep it to urself' i am so confuse guys bc she asked that we become closer and i tell her my issues.. i do not think she actually cares for me as a sister she never did, she bullied me endlessly and blamed it on her depression (which hey fair, but thats an explanation not an excuse and i have yet to recieve an apology) mother did nothing about that just let it happen like the abuse from my dad and i was happy to give her another chance i really looked up to her but she doesnt give a fuck about me she only likes me when its easy when im not selfish and egotistical (by the way guys she called me a hypochondriac isnt that crazy??) and like sigh i kind of hoped she would support but she does not.. 'you see mother is from a different generation, but im gen z i understand you' yea and u say queerness is a trend what the fleck... i get its difficult for ur sibling to be trans its really fucking annoying and heartbreaking but oh my god! and somehow she got it in her head that i tried convincinb mother to medically transition.. I HAVENT SPOKEN TO HER ABT TRANS STUFF FOR 3 YEARS THE FLIP I HAVE NOT.. i was going to wait it out with her and see if she adjusts bc shes my sister yk! but after 'why cant you just not transition' that just shows she is not willing to hear me out and see it from my perspective.. tbh this is just cis ppl, its difficult to understand smth that u dont have, that u take for granted. sighghgghgh sm happened but im back to distancing i was just confused but everything is still bad why did i let myself get sort of hopeful she said awful things that ill never forget its her greatest fear

[ging3rbr3adh3ad]

Man I cant stop myself from being flabbergasted at just how worse it all continues to get and then shortly after something else is going on.

I literally cannot get to the doctor to get a fucking neuro referral because of one thing or another and I keep fucking up so my health is getting worse it seems by the day but I think im just exaggerating. I CANT go to the ER super late (questionable if at all on work days) because I NEED to keep my job, I am so happy and im finally completing my dream. I've already missed too many days since being hired I *absolutely* cannot miss any more unless it is an extremely serious emergency like a close family member dying or me being in the hospital for several days, things along those lines. But I've genuinely been trying so many various routes (and I've been trying to get past my debilitating phobia and anxiety attacks around immediate care medical centers but I havent been able to do it successfully sadly) and each time, EACH of the FEW times I was actually able to successfully find a dr/place and be able to book in to go, something magically moves or pops up right during when im supposed to be doing the appointment so I end up having to reschedule or cancel. I've avoided seeking care for so long and now that I want help I cant even get to physically see my/a doctor in person! And some fuckshits been going on at work which is nothing new at my company so thats stressing me out, and then today we get a past rent due for the month and if we don't pay in 3 days we are evicted. But my boyfriend has literally called 5 separate times since June 3rd to meet up with her to pay (because the app isn't set up yet 🙄 and they've owned the building for two months now.) And they. Wont. Answer. Or. Call. Back. So thats another SERIOUS thing on my fucking plate because he is currently between jobs trying really hard to find a new one so im the only one making money which is a struggle enough as it is without all this other shit added. This upcoming week genuinely feels like a hurricane coming from the distance towards me. The kids have been gone for 2 weeks for summer, so that's gonna be a big struggle to transition back, and then the two children who have the hardest time emotionally and socially (twins) also just moved into a new house so that will most likely add to potential behaviors. Not to mention my coteacher will be out of town all week so I have to be the main main teacher with a sub in who barely knows the kids or the classroom. And we have all the other center's kids starting after they closed their location, and I guess there is a LOT of behaviors and WE DONT HAVE OUR MHDB SPECIALIST AND THE COACH WILL BE GONE WE ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE. I'm absolutely terrified of this upcoming week. I'm really worried it will have a serious effect on my health. I really really really am going to try so hard to go to the doctor to at the very least get access to a neurologist before Monday but God I do not know if I can do it. I feel so weak and pathetic, I've been telling my boyfriend over and over "oh im gonna go today" "oh im going after work" and then I cant do it. The anxiety attack is just to the level I cannot take it. I'm trying so hard and I dont know why it keeps getting worse, or how there keeps being ways for it to get more worse. I dread and fear and every synonym in English, what could potentially happen next.

[moriaddty]

Yo, Science side of Tumblr, i need help: What the hell is gender?!

I am a trans guy and recently got back to discussing stuff like what it means to be a trans person to me, how i figured out that this is what i am and how i know that i am trans with my friends, who do not understand why gender matters. Since they are not the ones who i have to justify my existence to and still get missgendered, but the ones who don't think its important but as long as you are happy go for it they won't judge(while still thinking gender is kinda bullshit tho), i tried to approach it from the angle of my own experience.

But as always, the discussion at one point loops back to the definition of sex vs gender, and while i also think that the most common definitions of biological sex they use is kinda oversimplified to a degree they are useless in praxis, like yeah cool, chromosoms, do you know yours, i dont know mine, ahhh sure primary and secondary sex characteristics, afaik the secondary ones won't really develop the same way or change to a degree when HRT is done, so tf is ones biological sex then? Ohhh the ones that would occur "naturally", well cool, what is sex good for then? Bc ones body on hrt still will react wildly differently to stuff like certain meds then one would assume it would react based on the "naturally occurring bodys" phenotyp related sex.

But right now that doesnt matter, bc while i do know a bit of the "science" behind the "basic biology" of sex (which isnt as basic as often assumed), i simply dont know any good definition of gender. The one i heard most commonly used "Sex is everything biological, and gender is everything society build upon it" is as shit as the common definion of sex id argue, bc while that gender definition includes gender stereotypes and gender presentation, it still doesnt define what gender is, and why simply just being a tomboyish girl that defies gender stereotyps, as i got often suggested as a "better course of action", wont solve the part where if sometimes feel pain as if someone actually physically stabbed me simply bc someone called me "she" or the just happy feelings i got that one time i, being pre transition, went to womans bathroom (still not having enough courage or looking passing in any way), and the bathroom clerk, who gave me a passing glance said "excuse me, sir, this is the womans bathroom" (thank covid for masks, bc dang, i started smiling but also mumbled "i know" in my still very feminine voice which made the clerk appologize "oh sorry mam" but that few seconds in between i was feeling so happy inside).

So, wtf is the actuall definition of gender used in science? I couldnt find a lot more then stuff that went back to the society stuff that sex doesn't cover, but i also probably didnt know where to look properly. And while i can try to explain what gender is using my own experiences as anecdotes, that isnt up to the standarts of fact based discussion i want to be able to have, but i also cant break my experiences down into a more scientific definition, the sample size is too small and also i am having multiple existential crisisis when attempting to do so.

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[kraviolis]

transgender remus is interesting to think about. like you could go the classic “transitioned socially at a young age and goes stealth his whole life” OR you could fucking mix it all up with his already present identity issues surrounding being a werewolf, maybe not wanting to come out and suffering in silence because he’s already caused his parents and the school so much trouble already.

the marauders are the first he would come out to, obviously, and it would be after they find out he’s a werewolf. i love the idea of remus just getting wasted in like 5th year and then going “man FUCK being a girl i hate this so much. lads please promise me you wont call me a girl ever again i cant stand it.” and sirius & james dont even question it (peter would ask like “so youre actually a man now? this isnt just a prank? alright then.”) because theyre all right there with remus in drunkness. sirius 100% says like “i am with you all the way. i bet you’d fit into james’s uniforms instead of the women’s ones. i’d offer mine but youre actually a giant. btw what fucking name do i call you besides moony?”

its at that point that remus, terribly boring even when drunk, insists on being called john. this is the birth of his middle name. everyone hates using it because he is definitely not a john but theyre very nice about hiding the winces until he comes up with a better name probably a month later (which is remus because he thinks its terribly funny and terribly ironic)

remus, upon waking up on the floor of the boys’s dormitories wearing james’s uniform and a headache, decides to go with it. its not like he has to come out to his parents, hes okay with just his friends knowing and being supportive. lily, too, because they had shared a dormitory up until that point and she wouldve wanted to know why remus was moving his entire trunk and all his personal items into the boys dorms. upon hearing the story, lily scrunches her nose and says “you really dont look like a john. maybe david?” but otherwise went on to treat him as another one of the boys.

remus isnt self conscious about the uniform change or the way his friends are loudly correcting people on his names and pronouns. hes really pleased, actually, especially at the continuously creative ways they do it. james & sirius have a great time trying to convince the entire school that remus has always been a boy, what are you talking about? are you okay? maybe you should ask the divination professor about it if youre having odd visions. its very amusing to remus, honestly.

most teachers are used to this sort of thing from them and go along with it once they see remus encouraging it. a select few (including slughorn) are bewildered and dont change their language but its not the end of the world.

at one point lily stops him in the common room and asks if he would want a haircut, she’s only asking because she personally wouldnt trust any of his friends in being anywhere close to competent with haircutting and lily’s a bit experienced with it from having a sister & a best friend with long hair & has done her own hair a few times. remus agrees and while his hair wasnt that long, it feels like a weight off his shoulders when he can feel the breeze on the back of his neck.

sirius black has a terrible problem because now the person he was already crushing on mildly is a whole ass dude and is sleeping in his room with him and looks really cute with his new short hair and that’s A Lot for a teenage boy. its also a lot because remus gets like, 10x more confident than he has ever been just from being able to live as himself, which makes sirius actually fall in love way faster.

when remus goes home for the holidays, his dad nods approvingly at his haircut and his mom wont stop running her fingers through it and even though he hates that he’s forced himself to put on a dress and respond to his deadname and the wrong pronouns, its still nice. he doesnt think his dad would understand, and his mom would try but struggle with it too, so he doesnt come out to them until after graduating in 7th year right before he’s planned to move into sirius’s new flat. and it works for him, like that.

[supportivespaceforsurvivors]

is this Devyn's blog?

hey anon, i'm sorry it took me so long to respond to this; between insomnia, work, my birthday, and other personal issues (along with accidentally deleting my initial response in a sleep-deprived lapse of judgement..), i've been pretty low on energy - but hopefully i'll be feeling better soon?

as for your question, it isn't a complete yes or no answer. yes, Devyn is a mod on this blog, and yes, he posts a lot; but nobody 'owns' this blog. all mods are equals; both in the literal sense that we all have to have administrator privileges in order to answer asks, and also that we rely on each other to help with anything we post. we're all human, and as such, we know that we have weaknesses and blindspots; as a team, we talk to each other to help smooth over some of those wrinkles to help y'all the best ways that we can - so even when one specific person's name is put on a post, more often than not, we have all contributed in some way. the reason that Devyn answers things more often than the rest of us is because he simply has a lot more time and energy than the rest of us do, and trying to write a whole response ourselves can be exhausting when you are already low on energy; but conveying our thoughts or opinions to each other for someone else to weave into a post takes a lot less energy. as such, the rest of us on the mod team really appreciate that Devyn is able to answer more often! its not that Devyn is more committed or holds more power than the rest of the mods, just that he's been more available to answer things recently.

and as a side note: we got another ask somewhat along this line of thought, but it mentioned the name of someone who made personal posts on their personal blog - and since i don't want to risk 'calling them out' (for lack of a better term), i don't feel comfortable posting that ask, so i'm adding my response to it here.

i want to start off by saying, we do appreciate when people bring up concerns that they have! giving us feedback on things that might make you uncomfortable or bother you helps us learn how to better help y'all. without feedback, we kinda just assume that we're doing alright - so encourage anyone to give us constructive feedback (i.e., dont just say something like "i dont like [thing] about mod x, fix it" - give us suggestions on how to best fix it!) if something we do bothers you! we wont be upset; you mentioning how we can better help you means that you do care about us, and we would never get upset at y'all for that. and, as such, we do really appreciate that you brought up your issues with us! genuinely our only issue was the fact a specific person was named (which really isnt even an issue - telling us who made the posts helped us find the posts, since we hadnt previously known about them) and we just don't want to inadvertently cause problems for them. we really dont think you had meant to purposefully cause strife, so please dont think we're upset with you!

as for your ask, i get why you would feel that way. Devyn tends to answer a lot and doesn't cushion his answers as much as some of us do, but it isn't due to him not caring or simply wanting the inbox empty - Devyn does care a lot about answering things well, he just prefers to get to the point rather than writing out giant walls of text. rather than try to explain things for Devyn, i'm gonna let him finish up the post by explaining his method for answering asks - i dont want to accidentally say anything that isnt true, but i can guarentee that Devyn does care. if he didn't care, he wouldn't still be here - he does care for all of you, and he does want to help! if he didn't, he wouldn't be putting in the effort that he has been to change how he responds to things in a way that won't upset or trigger people, and he wouldn't put in the effort to try and get input from the rest of us mods. please, do let us know if there's anything else we can do moving forward to help things feel less bad for you. we don't want anyone to feel like they cant be helped or that we dont care for them.

mod berry 💗

---

Hey anon.

I wanted to make sure I also answered this in case you were looking for an answer from me directly.

Originally I had a few paragraphs here essentially echoing what Berry said, but it felt too repetitive and I ended up cutting it out.

We had another ask that we mentioned we're tacking the response to on here. I'm going to copy-paste some of the text from it for context since y'all obviously haven't (and won't) see it, so that my response makes sense:

[...] we wrote in and got a quick response from Devyn whereas previously we got really detailed responses from other mods. It felt like Devyn just sees it as a rush to clear the inbox and not work with other mods. And now this blog feels like his exclusively.

I want to start by saying I understand how how I was pretty much the only one who answered anything during September made you feel like this blog is mine exclusively, but I assure you that's not the case - it just happened to be a particularly shitty month for all the mods here. While those issues haven't disappeared, we should have more availability to answer asks currently.

Secondly, something I think will be helpful is if I walk you through the process of how I answer an ask. I was going to use this one to do that and then proceeded to get distracted and forgot and answered it, so here's a fake example ask. Let's say this ask comes in:

Let's say the question is something any of us can answer easily, like, "How many followers do you have?" That's an easy question and we can all look at our follower count and give you a number. So I click answer.

I always start answering genuine asks with some sort of greeting. Usually "Hey anon," is my go-to. Then the answer. "Oh, we have this many." Then I'll end with a well-wish and my name. Easy enough.

I think part of the issue is that if people ask yes or no questions (like "is my trauma valid?") I'd rather say something short in response, like, "Yes, your trauma is valid regardless of what it is," and sign my name than waste our readers' time and my breath answering with extra words. I just don't see the point in using more words than I need to. I try very hard to make it clear, especially in shorter responses, that I'm not trying to be hostile and am actively aware of my tone. Some answers have more words in them because I always try to make sure to explain what I feel could be misunderstood and that's not always easily done in one or two sentences.

Another thing that might be part of the issue is that Berry, for example, tends to answer asks by grouping paragraphs after which they hit enter only once, and I hit enter twice to start a new paragraph. That doesn't mean Berry's answer has any more actual content in it than mine does, it just might look like that because the format ends up looking more dense in Berry's answer.

Anyway, if someone feels like they want to answer a certain ask but doesn't have the spoons, they can save it with their name to the drafts, which is where a lot of our unpublished asks live. It's like the purgatory of the ask box, because sometimes I put an ask there and sometimes I only think about it. 😬

Asks that go to our drafts aren't ignored, that's just sort of a transition period. If the ask is slightly more complicated, we usually discuss it first in the mod Discord - which you guys obviously can't see. Sometimes if we collaborate on an ask, whoever sees it in the ask box first is the one who ends up answering it, but not always. But we usually just sign those with a single name for sake of ease. If we put all the names of all the mods who contributed any thought to an ask, most of them would have all of our names on them. Also, it's not necessarily accurate to sign my name to an ask if all I'm commenting on is the tone of an ask. Sure, I technically contributed, but I didn't say anything helpful.

If multiple people have thoughts on an ask, usually what we do is one person answers it and the others reblog with their thoughts. This ask is an exception because last time we answered an ask specifically about me that way, it escalated the situation, and we're trying to avoid that.

If none of us know how to answer an ask, we'll usually publish it for our followers' input after a week. I try to follow up about asks that are in drafts pretty often, so usually they don't sit there for a month, but like we've said multiple times, this month has been a bit of an outlier for all of us.

So essentially what I'm saying is that just because you don't see active ask collaboration happening doesn't mean it's not. It all happens in the Discord and, unless you're also a mod in our server, you're not going to see that discussion happening.

Hopefully this helps with the misunderstandings.

Mod Devyn

[mollydollyjournals]

Everything feels so quiet again. I hate this about being nocturnal. At least during the day more people are around and online and I might have a little interaction. I wonder if I'll ever get my body clock to function on a 24hr schedule. Even as a child and teenager I've always had sleeping problems though. My body clock has always fought against regular timing. I definitely find it easiest when I'm actually excited to get up for something in particular, but that's not all there is to it. Besides that feels like a tall ask right now.

I've been crying a lot recently. I dont usually cry that much at all but the past month maybe, in increasing frequency, and the majority of the past few days, I'm always on the verge of or in tears. I'm on so much prozac I can sometimes feel it pushing me to just smile through it and do something, but I think my mind wins over it when it sees that my 5 minutes of positivity didnt bring luck like everyone says it will. I'm tempted to lower my dose just so I can at least be consistently sad. Part of me hopes I'd get bad enough to SH and do more noticeable stuff so someone will realise how I feel, but part of me knows that's not how itll work and I'll just do those things and feel even worse because I'm still by myself. Most of me feels guilty because that's the dramatic stereotype and nobody likes an attention seeker, but most of me also knows it's not socially acceptable to directly ask for help and support. The times I've said a thing about how bad I feel, very obviously in need of support, i havent got it. So if i did something more, i still wouldnt get it, but I'd just be bothering people even more by letting them see. But then maybe I'd actually get the balls to just end it properly and get it over with. But I also know I'm not someone who'd do something so final without exhausting all options first, which means I'd also say that more directly, and then the same issue applies.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I feel like such a waste of space and it's the same problem where I need x to do y but I need y to get z and I need z to get x. Whenever I try to force myself to break that cycle alone, I burn out. I feel worse for the fact that I'm doing it alone. I feel like theres no point in achieving any of it if I'm still alone. I did so much growing up by myself and doing way too much and all it got me was a bit more time alive so I could watch everyone else actually live and realise how cut off i was. Last time i had a major breakdown i came out of it over time but i felt worse afterwards than before because of the fact that I'd had to deal with it alone. I felt resentful of all the people who saw me say outright on my social media 'I feel really terrible and I need support/dont think I can deal with this alone/etc' and either said nothing or just briefly acknowledged it then continued on. I didnt really get over it, I just stopped in the same way a baby learns to stop crying eventually if nobody comes. So i came out of the breakdown with the resentful and anxious feeling that i cant really rely on anyone and am truly alone.

Now I'm so much more sensitive. Of course I'm more sensitive. I'm scared this is more permanent mental shit that I wont be able to get rid of. I cant stay like this forever. I never used to be this bad. But I had some outlets at least, and some hope that it might be different at some point. Now it feels like I'm just so worn out and I need to rest and be protected but the longer I go without it the more I need and the more impossible it gets and then I feel like theres no point in trying because theres no way to fix the cycle. Not without some anime-level miracle.

All I can do is drink and hope I get distracted by something else for a while. Hope I get chatty and confident enough to send the first messages and make the first posts, hope the audience happens to be responsive. Hope I come up with some kind of idea that'll keep me busy and entertained.

There was a day a few months ago where I drank a lot over the course of a day, and I started getting really bad palpitations where my heart was stopping for a few seconds at a time and restarting painfully. It especially stopped whenever I lay down and kept still, ie when I was trying to sleep. I thought I was probably going to die in the night so I wrote out a little note on my phone just in case. But I was kind of happy about it. For whatever reason, a few friends had been online and we'd all talked a lot, and I'd had things to do, and we talked about what we were doing throughout that day, and we all screwed around and shitposted, and it was just nice. It didnt feel so much like quarantine as just long distance friends and I felt like if that was gonna be my last day then so be it.

Of course, I didnt die. It turned out my meds needed adjusting so I did that and the palpitations lessened. I kind of wish I did just die. I guess it's morose. But it would have taken the guesswork and worrying out of all this. I'm just so tired. Its not that I dont want to get better and enjoy life. I just dont know if I can. I dont know if theres too much damage been done. I was already a difficult case before the pandemic but it's really fucked me over a lot and brought up a lot of old and new insecurities and I dont know if I'm really able to make the transition to something normal and okay.

My heart palpitations are bad again right now. Today it's because of restricting food. Theres some kind of weak heart trait in my family so I've always had the occasional palpitation, but they get bad sometimes. It's not painful right now, just weak. If I breathe too deeply it loses rhythm. I keep beginning to hyperventilate from anxiety and my heart gets irregular and weird. Of course as I say that I get some pain.

I dont feel like I can eat more though. I did have a meal for dinner. Low calorie, but a meal. So my calories for today weren't super low. One thing that's always consistent about my thing with food etc is the control element. That when everything is bad, I need something to go my way, and this is all I can do. I dont know.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not. But I really want to. I really need to. It only takes small things, small distractions to keep me going. If I can just survive long enough to keep at some things to change my situation, maybe I can get out of this. But if I crack, I drink and binge and do other things that make me feel worse. I dont know. I'm trying to drag myself along but I guess it doesn't look like I'm doing anything at all.

[unloved-cadillac]

Firstly to start off with, ummm a white kurtan, yes please, I know this bitch looks good whatever hes wearing, so it dont matter, BUT THE BLACK TANK TOP OOFFFF YOU BETTER STOP, ITS NOT GOOD FOR MY HEALTH. But moving on, I've finished reading the whole thing now, and I'm writing this in notes, so if you're getting thing like 40 minutes later it's because I'm drafting my ask. Basically I'm just gonna skim read it again and just give you my thoughts and any feedback, if that's okay with you, you can ignore this if you want to, I completely understand. I dont mind at all 😊😊

Ok to start off with, the exposition was really good, you've set the tone and introduced the Ackerman family really beautifully. When I read it initially the fact that Levi did not want a family or to get married was quite emphasised upon to me, and I'm really looking forward for the inevitable development and how his view changes as the chapters go on. I also love how you introduced Farlan and Isabel, and lightly touched upon how they met, you didnt go into too much detail and I really like that, it kept me focused on the actual story itself, which is about Levi and not Farlan. And Farlan wanting tto marry her 😢😢. I think it's really really sweet and I cant wait to see more of them. I love it so much.

The transition from setting the scene to their father being poisoned was not something I was expecting and made me go oh shit he dead. Part of me felt like it was moving too quick, but the other part of me loved the shock factor of it since it happened so suddenly. I didnt think of it as too big of an issue though, it was still enjoyable to read.

The whole encounter with the peasant guy made me wonder just how many more people there are like him, that dislike the Ackermans and would try to kill them. And whether y/n would be one of them. Also I got a bit confused as to who was speaking whether it was Farlan or Levi, but I read the sentence again and it was fine, I understood, so maybe I was just being a dumb bitch.

Oooh a quick point Levi sympathising with the criminal was really touching and made me feel warm and gooey. It shows that hes not a dick and does actually care about his people. But it also shows he has clear boundaries and is really firm. He will make a great leader in the future.

YESSS BODYGUARD ERWINNN!!!!! I WAS LITERALLY TELLING MY FRIEND THE OTHER DAY, ERWIN AND LEVI BODYGUARD AU IS THE BESTT. YES SWEETIE UGH ITS FANTASTIC. IVE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT IM SAYING IT AGAIN I LOVE IT.

Carrying on, I love the whole Erwin/Levi/Farlan interaction, of course Erwin knows everything, why wouldnt he, hes a boss ass bitch. Also again, reaffirming that Levi does not want a wife, nOicE. Really builds up his future development.

The difference in Levi's and Farlan's reaction is comical. Ones there waving and smiling and the other ones there like fuck off leave me alone. ALSO WHOEVER SAID THEY'LL GIVE UP THEIR VIRGINTY SAME GURLL SAMEEE, I WOULD TOO YOURE NOT ALONE. AND YES FARLAN IT IS FUNNY, IT MADE ME LAUGH.

Awww the people are so nice, offering things for free, that's how you know you're loved by your people, I rate it, rate Levi sm.

Okay my guy, imma need you stop for a second and relax. Taking your top of??? And your scarf??? Okay big man, I see you, I see you, looking fine af. Ahhh I love imagining this in my brain, so stimulating.

Anyways, Y/N'S HERE NOWWW YES BITCHHH IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE, TURN IT UPPPP.

Nanaba being my sister is absolutely exquisite *chefs kiss*. I really thought you'd maybe put Petra, and then Petra would like Levi as well, but no its Nanaba and I fucking love her so so much. Also not really relevant, but I dont have any older sisters, but I do have older cousin sisters and I call my favourite one didi mooni (I think that's how you spell it, or muni idk) and yeah it just reminded me of her. I haven't seen her in so so long because of the pandemic and I miss her :(

Ah. So. Y/N does hate the royals. I wanna know why?? Does she think they're overrated?? A bad experience maybe?? Everyone else seems to love them. I'll just have to wait and see I guess.

ALSO PLEASE TELL ME THE LITTLE KID WAS MIKASA!!! IM HOPING SO SO MUCH ITS MIKASA, IT PROBABLY ISNT BECAUSE SHES AN ACKERMAN HERSELF BUT I CAN STILL HOPE!!! SHES SO CUTEEE AND ADORABLE AWWWW WEVIIII 🥺🥺🥺

THEY SELL TEAAA AHHH ITS A LOVE STORY BOUND TO HAPPEN. AND HE HASNT TRIED THEM YETT!!!! YES OMGGG TEA DATES, THEY CAN BOTH SIT DOW AND SHE CAN INTRODUCE HIM TO NEW SHITT AHHHH MY HEARTTTT 🥰🥰🥰IM GETTING WAYYYY AHEAD OF MYSELF.I need to calm down.

The whole meeting with Levi and Y/N was so adorable. It felt really short and I want more, but its okayyy, hopefully there are more chapters. Them locking eyes, him following her to get the leaves, HIM HELPING HER PICK UP THE BLOODY LEAVES, THE HAIR PART REMINDS ME OF IN BOLLYWOOD MOVIES WHEN THE PROTAGS HAIR GETS STUCK IN THE GUYS WATCH OR THEIR DUPATTA OR SOMETHING. OMGG Y/N IS ONE LUCKY BITCH.

Also since you havent specified the race of y/n, just wanted to ask is she Indian?? Or it it unspecified?? You wrote that she blushed bright red and many dark skinned readers wont be able relate. So yeah I'm not too sure whether that was intentional or not, I'm sorry if I'm mistaken though. I mean no harm at all.

Farlan's relationship with Levi is just beautiful, like I know I'm using the word beautiful a lot, but their broship is immaculate. Something else that I love.

Both Levi and Y/N not wanting to get married is hilarious. I really like how you've characterised her, shes really fierce, independent and seems really kind and caring as well. I really like this Y/N, very family oriented.

If I was her dad I would've taken the money. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️ Not complaining about it because my dad would've done the exact same thing, but if I was him I wouldve taken it. Sis is broke, sis needs all the money she can get.

Both parties questioning Levi and Y/N is hilarious, fucking Erwin, I love him so much I stg. I'd sacrifice my life for him. Hes best boy 😇😇

I feel like this is really really long already so I'll quickly sum everything up, if you got this far you deserve a clap on the back and a medal, because I've basically just waffled. I really really enjoyed this chapter, it was very good in terms of introductions and getting to know the characters, I loved the initial meeting between levi and y/n and it did make my heart flutter quite a bit so that's that. I dont have any complaints really, just small minor things I've mentioned before and that's it. I really look forward to the coming chapters!!! Thank you so so much for writing it. Please make sure you're taking regular breaks and keeping hydrated and healthy. Thanks sweetie xxx 🥰🥰🥰

I’ve read this WHOLE thing..twice. I can’t stop smiling omf you’re so sweet! But, yeah minor shit I didn’t mention and I left it up to reader. Like the skin tone, sheesh. I don’t want any problems with that, I just said red blush to signify embarrassment. Reader is reader no matter what.

Aren’t we all broke af? But I liked the idea of the father being humble about it. Lol. Idk.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because that will obviously ruin the story but I love your ideas. Tea dates?! How cute! Erwin is the best, of course. He knows ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and he’s the kind of person who would follow his princes no matter what. Till the end, you know?

As I said, highly inspired by Bollywood movies lol.

You took your time and wrote all of this and I’m so fucking happy that you did. I can’t wait for all of you to see the upcoming chapters. I hope that you’re staying happy and hydrated as well. Also, happy Shivratri! (If you celebrate for it) and to everyone else celebrating.

-Caddy.

[huntsman-ash]

LiveThoughts: RWBY V8E6

Second attempt at this since last time Chrome just DIED for no reason...

Im going to put literally the entire thing with Cinder under one note; Called it.

Its a great set of stuff, sure, but it doesnt relaly tell us anything we didnt already know about Cinder, and I personally feel it doesnt really explain why she turned out the way she did. I feel like we’ve had another weird twist of the situation again...M+K? Coronas fault? Who knows. Either way, this section isnt great by my taste and I kinda skipped most of it. 

Few things to note though; Apperently in Mistral scrubbing by hand is still more viable floor cleaning tech than using Dust.

The wind vane on the roof has the Rooster Teeth symbols rooster on it. 

The hotel Cinder is bought by is named the Glass Unicorn, fittingly enough for...several reasons. 

The coffees behind the stepsisters when we first see them are the animated versions of the real life stuff RT put out just before this season went live. 

No one seems to notice the fact cinder has orange eyes. I wonder if weird eye colors are just a THING in Remnant?

The control collar/shock thing is incredibly inefficient in design, since it doesnt actually hold on to her very well. A more effective brace/choker design would have worked better.

The song that goes on during all of this is...kind of obvious and a little bland? Fitting for younger Cinder I guess. 

Mmm. Random greasy huntsman. 

I guess in Atlas its fine to laugh at struggling teenagers?

Im going to assume there’s a 3+ year gap here where she gets older, cause she stops being smol and gets closer to how we see her now.

Also even here, in Atlas...really? The most effective way to clean these carpeted floors is to have a TEENAGER SCRUB THEM BY HAND?

How do you scrub...I assume its carpet anyway?

And how you tell civilians are lame in Atlas; they are impressed...by a sword.  Just a sword. A boring, half-cut sword. Losers.

I assume this would be Cinder’s semblance manifesting. Also note on the desk; “we do not serve faunus”. Well THAT doesnt surprise me.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. Get fucked Cinder. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

I dont even feel pity for her, this is funny to me.  Also the fact that this kind of shit aCTUALLY EXISTS is...amusing to me. Like, really? So I guess indentured servitude is a thing in Remnant too. 

And this is why Cinder likes to use swords. Really. Wow. LAMEO.

Huh. Dual maces. Interesting. Thats a prety cool weapon.  Looks like they open up too. Bet he could bash some skulls with that.

“Hurting them isnt going to make your life any better”. Um, excuse me? I think hurting them is the very best thing to do in this situation. At least, for the moment anyway. 

Huh. So she’s ten at this point? Even as a child, shes older than she looks. 

And training montage. Huh. Or at least I assume it is. I get the feeling being able to go where you want too and do what you want too is the main reason Hunters exist. There must be crazy tight immigration laws...or, maybe, its just that traveling between kingdoms is stupid dangerous cause of Grimm. I think the latter is most likely considering every form of public transit extra-kingdom we’ve seen (even between cities, see Argus Limited) has some kind of defensive weaponry. Limited and ineffective, for th emost part oddly.

So you can take the exam at 18. Okay cool. Pre-that must be prep school. Wonder what happens if you wash out? Also I like how this dude is just “yeah, 7 years of training, we got this.”

I think this is the first time we’ve seen the other side of the moon. Or at least, the proper other side...bloody hell I STILL dont know how all those piesces are still held in place, the thing looks like it should start yeeting bolides at Remnant. 

Better still we see it MOVE, rotate in time to the passing of years. So it literally does rotate on its own axis, and more importantly, unlike OUR moon, its NOT tidally locked. We only ever see the same side of our moon. REmnants rotates MUCH faster. Also it doesnt seem to have phases like ours does. I’ll check on why that is. 

Well at least we have an explanation for why Cinders so damn good at fighting people. Trained by an Atlas Huntsman.

Also as a note the device is quite literally just an electrical Dust crystal attached to a necklace. Things the most inefficent torture device Ive ever fucking seen. 

Wonder how often they have to change the crystal.

And there goes the moon rotating again.

I like how NO ONE comment on the blade going missing and that guy never came back for it. I guess he must have just bought a new one.

I get the very distinct feeling they wont just let her go honestly, permission or not. 

AWWW WE DONT EVEN GET TO SEE CINDER MURDER THE SISTERS. Also no blood. Odd.  Good kill on the  stepmother though. Oh, that NECK CRACK.  I like how all the bitch can do is try and shock Cinder, like, uh...adrenaline up? SHE HAS A SWORD? MAYBE FIGHT BACK?

Hah. Weak ass fuckin Atlas people.  Also the clock going off in the back ground twelve times. How fitting. Welcome to midnight. 

Also shes kind of glowing here cause the room is dark, and I find it amusing this is probably the last time she wears white.

And THERES the Cinder we know

Sick ass music, cool. Also THAT is an interesting semblance...I guess he turns himself to metal? Also DAMN his aura broke after THAT? Hes a Huntsman...ah who cares. Again probably in Cinders memory more than anything. Which at this point is probably about as reliable as a coked up hookers.

SHANKED. Sucker. You shoulda seen THAT one coming.

And thats all it took to get the shock collar off. Lol. 

So what happened to the hotel? Did they just...write it off? I mean four people got murdered in there...

And now we’re back on the whale. HOW THE SCREAMING FUCK DID CINDER JUST...

Wow. She just got up after eating that blast. Fucking plot armor.

Merc making the hard calls honestly.  Im actually gonna watch all of this now which is nice because I want to know whats happening in the real world. PITY MORE THAN HALF THE EPISODE WAS THIS FUCKING FILLER.

I like how Cinder just...goes quiet the moment she realizes shes lost Mercury. Not that he was USEFUL mind you but if I had to guess she liked being the boss. But now shes...basically back where she started. 

So the whale is basically a ship. It has a bridge. Probably Salems throne room.

Man, Oscars literally just RTs punching bag this season isnt he? Literally in this case. 

His clothes are still scortched too which I find interesting.  The black eyes also staying. Auras not back up then? Aura repair and regen seems...werid half the time. Like RT does what they want with it.

Ah so someone finally says it...but at the same time what exactly does Salem have to fear? If she cant fight the whole world...what could they do? Maybe overwhelming her? It...Im having a hard time putting the “she cant be stopped” with “shes afraid of fighting all of Remnant”. 

Somethings missing here. I know it.

The sound of the “door” opening reminds me of the Flood doors in High Charity in Halo 3s Cortana. Fleshy twisting.

Mention from Hazel, but AGAIN...no details. I guess if you nail down how she can do stuff its harder to write? 

Glad someone made a comment on the futility of the Hunter academies. 

I really hate how Salems giving us creepy mommy shades. 

Hmm. So yeah the bridge IS the throne room/command deck. I like how Neo doesnt give a fuck is just casually kneeling. 

Ah okay THATS why he grabbed the scroll. 

Heh. Interesting. How exactly does this work I wonder. 

...Why does Salem have a ring. Has she always had that ring?

Neo looking at the Hound like “oh, I could ride this thing”. 

Oh cool the Ace Ops. And they’re arguing, shocker. Sounds like Elm doesnt trust tech either. No shock there.  Idiot.

Atlas elite. Yeah, right.

Huh, is this a Manta with landing gear? I guess they do have them...seems kind of silly to have them so high up though. I guess thats what the thing under the door is for, so they can deploy a ramp. Man, I really dont like Atlas’s airship design.

Hare needs some fuckin suppresants. 

Annnnddd...here we go, things go straight to hell. I was warned of this. I am going to try and not be mad...but from what Ive heard the incomptence of the military in this particular section is astronomical.

Huh. So...Grimm can be convirted into a rock-punching liquid? Interesting. Has that always been a thing or... Also why the fuck are you jsut standing there in awe, go kill the fucking thing! Fucking Specialists.

...that is all it took to get through Atlas’s shield? THAT?

I also love how no one does anything. Ironwoods like “wait what the fuck”. Come on bro. 

And...thats the Atlas navy. Everyone. Two lasers. One of which missed. Remind me again what exactly these things are used to shoot?

Wait, no, that took down part of it, and then the rest is, surprise, hitting the soft rock on the outside. 

THERE goes the shield. 

Hang on a second, how long have those giant squid things been there?

And...what. The whale just approaches, nothing happens? You’ve got 12 fucking ships there, shoot the fucking thing.

Again, WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING?

Oh, it just beach-headed. Okay fine, whatever. 

Im not really worried.

Lets see how RT makes this WORSE though...

And thats this weeks episode.

[kareofbears]

persona 5 royal: my thoughts after finishing it five minutes ago

disclaimer: the only reason im writing this is because 1) i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i need to write down and if i dont ill explode and 2) i want to be able to find this when p5s eventually drops so i can compare my thought processes. if you do not agree with what i’m going to say, that’s cool! just block me or ignore this post. 

now for the sake of sanity, i’m going to try and narrow down this entire list into chunks because this’ll probably be very very long and very much about me just screaming about stuff that i liked, loved, and don’t like. i will be spoiling both the original persona 5 and persona 5 royal, obviously, so i hope you finished both!

1) Akechi

so yes. Goro Akechi. Everyone’s favorite murderer. I’m going to by spewing a lot of hot takes, and this is probably going to be the spiciest: i am in the most intense love-hate relationship with this brown haired antagonist because jesus christ is he a complicated son of a bitch. I know i’ve complained in the past about how much Atlus often struggles with utilizing a character well, but that does not at all relate to Akechi in any way, shape, or form. 

I’ll say this now: He is a character I genuinely, truly hate, yet he is the one I want to hear from the most. He is someone who is a bad person (yes, he is a bad person) but whenever he comes on screen he makes me sit up, he makes me pay attention to him because that’s just the aura he exudes. He is a character who i would never, ever waste my time defending or justifying his actions, but every minute joker spends with him is a minute i want to stretch out as long as possible because he is just that good of a character. He is interesting, he is well defined, he is smart, he is clever, he is sassy, he’s a motherfucking asshole who’s never had a vibe check in my life and i still hate him. Goro Akechi is what Star Wars wanted Kylo Ren to be, and that allegory may not make sense to many people but it works for me so i’m saying it. It’s to the point where writing akechi in a fanfic makes me sweat because in my opinon capturing the essence of akechi is near impossible unless you know what you are talking about (i do not mean that in anyway to discourage people from writing him, im just saying that I am a coward because i will never be able to write a good akechi). Anyway, bottom line is: i despise him but my eyes are always glued to him at all times.

back to the main point-- Atlus absolutely nailed this character and every single addition they put in for Akechi. I’m so damn thrilled that you actually have confidant hangouts with him because every single time you talk to him, it services not only the plot, but it perfectly does what it is supposed to do: it makes you like him, but also leaves the player slightly unnerved. they do it so casually that I might have trouble explaining it, but bear with me: everytime you hangout with him, he always does or say something that unhinges you just a little bit, it leaves you asking ‘wait why?’ or ‘but how did you know that’ or ‘why are you saying that?’. akechi is constantly playing mind games with you. and not only that, adding backstory to akechi (moreso than in the original) is just fucking fantastic. he’s always been a fully fleshed out character but after playing royal, goro akechi actually exists in my mind, and i still hate him (but also i dont. but also i do. anyway)

2) the ending

just finished the game and this is the point where i am at odds with p5r for the first time. the ending to p5, in my opinion, was flawless; everything was perfect and had meaning. from the shot of akira being shown to not wearing glasses anymore because he no longer feels the need to wear a mask (character development: he was very unhappy at the beginning of the game and now he’s happy with his friends--i love it), to his friends being the one to drive him home (amazing, he left his home town and came to shibuya alone via transit, and one year later he’s now leaving with all of his best friends in a van they rented just so they could stay with him as long as they can--it’s perfect, i love it), and also all of them seeing how large and infinite the ocean is (because now there’s unlimited options for them because they all have a new perspective on life). 

But....none of that is there in p5r. it feels impersonal. no one drops him off at his hometown, he was still wearing glasses, and there’s no grand metaphor about what they all achieved. 

Now, i am not a (complete) moron. I know why they had to change it: it’s because of persona 5 scramble (i think). they wanted to set up a plot for the next game and i feel like thats the reason why persona 5 royal’s ending suffered for it: they were too focused on the next plot that they forgot to focus on the sentimental ending for p5r. don’t get me wrong, seeing akechi in the train station absolutely made me lose my shit and made me scream at one in the morning, but i think they lost the core meaning in doing the other stuff. i did not like the focus on maruki and kasumi (will be talking about them later), cause i feel like it took away from the ending, and i also didn’t like the fact that the whole joker outfit in the reflection thing (but i will be letting it slide since it was during the after credits anyway). So while i do love one (1) new aspect of the final cut scene, i still adore and stan the one from persona 5. 

3) the entire last semester 

i’ll be quick: the final palace? the best palace. fight me. it’s fantastic, it’s innovative, it’s interesting, and most of all, the palace ruler is actually the best one in the entire game and i know i wont be the only one to say this. maruki is not a villain: i know for a godamn fact that im not the only one to say that i almost agreed with his deal of allowing the reality (damn i almost agreed twice) because why wouldnt you?? it’s literally a perfect reality! the only reason i didnt agree is because i knew the game wouldnt want me to agree and would force me to have the bad ending! anyway, i love the last section so much. the palace design is interesting, the antagonist is brilliant (who doesn’t love a morally gray antagonist?), and finally, the payoff of kasumi happened and it made me silent for ten minutes. the entire reveal of her being sumire and kasumi being dead is just so genuinely shocking to me that it nearly broke my neck.

what actually broke my neck was the initial incident for the third semester. seeing everyone in this wild alternate reality made me so unsettled that i literally got a stomach ache. i saw morgana as a human and nearly passed out. shiho in the underground? wig. ryuji saying he’s on the national pedastal for running? literally my eyebrows just popped off my head. fucking WAKABA? FLATLINED. brilliantly executed and i love the initial akechi and akira buddy cop movie vibes in the beginning it was just so fun. 

one huge part of the third semester for me though, was of course, akechi. seeing him completely throw away his ‘charming ace detective’ speil was the most refreshing and interesting and not to mention, hilarious part of the game. he does not give a fuck about anyone and he is not afraid to let you know. he is the biggest savage and the most insane person on the phantom thieves group. he’ll roast you, he’ll roast your boyfriend, he’ll roast fuckin anyone and it’s fantastic. not to mention his dialogue is killer: he says the most bat shit insults ever and my favorite example is when you go up to him near the end of the game, you know, to hangout with him and be a nice guy, he just does not hesitate to say ‘what, you came just to see me? just the sort of brainless sentimentality i’d expect from you.’ i LOVE IT because why the hell would he try to be nice? the jig is up, he’s got nothing to hide. and he owns it. atlus seriously nailed akechi in this last semester and it’s brilliant and i love it.

4) everything else 

- one small thing that pissed me off in both games (but especially this one) is how many godamn fake out deaths there are. Morgana has one, Akira has one, Ryuji has one, Sojiro has one, Maruki has one, motherfucking Akechi has two. it just hurts me!

- sumire is an amazing character who has depth and she is lovely and my biggest complaint is that it feels like atlus shoved her in. like, she feels like a new addition to the game, you know what  i mean? maybe its because ive played the original p5 first, but you know, it’s not a big deal. but i love her so much

- on the topic of sumire, i cant say that im completely super duper happy with how different she felt from the other thieves? im sure that’ll be explained in p5s but she just got so much screen time that it just truly made me confused?? maybe im just a horrible person, or that’s just a really hot take. but anyway, yeah maybe im bitter because i really wanted to see extra hangouts/school trips during royal, but didn’t really.

-baton pass? literally orgasmic. it made turn base battles so damn fun and the addition of darts and billiards made me foam at the mouth it was SO SMART AND INNOVATIVE AND I LOVE IT ATLUS I LOVE YOU ATLUS YOURE SO SMART SWEETIE

-small thing, but making spells like ‘dormina’ actually useful just made the game so much more fun and dungeon crawling became something i truly, genuinely looked forward to

-being able to give gifts to my bros? absolutely incredible. thank you. side note: seeing akechi happy from giving him a multi vitamin cracked me up. side side note: giving ryuji a fuck ton of weights and him just smiling made my heart so happy i love that boy so much

- ah this game just looked so GOOD! i thought the original looked good but they really went all out. im not kidding, the smallest details in everyday life or even just normal cut scenes were out of this world. especially stuff from the third semester its just OOF good JOB atlus i love you buddy

-ahhh thieves den! how can i forget? i love it. at first i was a bit iffy with it since it really felt like persona 5 (undoubtedly the biggest game atlus has created) was just jacking itself off. but as time goes on, it became a huge addition to the game and seeing characters’ insights and extra lines of dialogue became super duper interesting and a highlight of the game for me. and don’t even get me started on how much i love love love the photos they added of them hanging out! so lovely, a bunch of them made me tear up

- i know it’s literally impossible, but i feel like the game just forgot that akechi is a person who can wield multiple persona and i just wish that could’ve been messed around with during Palaces

- showtimes are so, so crazy and i get so embarassed whenever they play on my tv because they are just outlandish and unashamed but i love them so so much it just defines persona’s personality 

-because i love ryuji: i prefer the final conversation you have with him aka ‘whaddya mean? you’re there’ but there’s still a lot of really tender and sweet moments like akira genuinely telling him that he’ll miss him, and also the fact that ryuji wants you both to send each other your times through the exercise watch so you can still race ahhhh i love him so much yall

so, overall, this game is better than the original p5 because of the extra content we get. if persona 5 was the perfect dinner, persona 5 royal is that same dinner and you get to enter the dessert buffet. it’s brilliant, it’s smart, it’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, and it’s undoubtedly my favorite game of all time without exaggeration. while i do prefer the final cut scene (and final dialogues with some characters) in the original persona 5, in the overall experience, persona 5 royal is superior in my mind. i would willingly get amnesia to play this game again. 

I didn’t get to cover everything, but this is definitely most of what i wanted to say. if you actually get to reading all the way to the end, thanks! it means a lot. i hope we can all enjoy persona and look forward to persona 5 scramble together :-)

[chestnutroan]

Who is Ben? Have you talked about this character before?

Ben is my sole survivor, and my longest standing oc. I’ve posted a LOT of art of him but I’ve always put off talking about him at length but now I’m out of the rough when it comes to having the will to do anything, ill talk about him!

Frank (Benjamin) Romara was born in 2044 in Arkansas to African/Italian parents. When he was 13, he, his parents and his younger brother Gene were uprooted to Boston under absolutely no single good reason given at the time from his father. His dad died probably not a year later, and combined with the massive change of life Ben’s education went down the shitter, and he had to repeat freshman year. At the end of what should have been his sophomore year he got put in a program for “at risk youth”. 

[Detail about him, about Nick Valentine and Fallout Lore etc under the cut!]

The program was basically about increasing the amount of people entering government related jobs, because due to rising contempt less and less people were going down that path, and that’s bad for a whole lot of reasons, for the government at least. When it was first conceived of, it was more of a support scheme for kids not going onto greater things, but it expanded to where it was mandatory for any teen that met the requirements to be put through the system and spat out with more allegiance to their country. Ben checked off a lot of boxes, being poor, having bad grades etc. And at first Ben didn’t really mind all that much, given his lack of direction it was comforting to know that he’d be able to find a stable job to support his family, and that was exactly what seemed to be promised to him. He hadn’t yet gained a fervent desire to see the government crumble, the only part of it he hated being cops, who brushed his dads murder off like it didn’t matter. plus, the program offered extensive healthcare (a leftover enticement from when the program was optional), and it looked like the only way he’d be able to transition.

It wasn’t long, however, before it became increasingly apparent how insidious the program really was. For one thing, he was to be put into work (or training for whatever he will be assigned) at 18, meaning he’d have to leave high school with a sophomore level education. This was, of course, by design to keep the kids entering the workforce in that same workforce. When he was 17, he took a GOAT and got given two options: enter the police force or the US army. He didn't want to do absolutely either, but he picked the former, just because it seemed like his only shot to stay with his family. By the time he was 21, he’d become a detective, and before he could ever start to work on his own soil he was transferred to Chicago due to lack of workforce there.

And all over again, he’d been plucked out of what he knew and dunked somewhere else, and worse yet, he doesn’t even have anyone he knows to help him go through it. Most of the people at his station don’t really want anything to do with him, but he gets on with his job (his efficacy depending on whether or not he thinks hes doing the right thing), and quickly becomes the new hotshot ass hole there for his attention to detail, if not his actual ability to decipher motivations and piece things together. And this caught the attention of Nick Valentine.

Nick was the original hotshot ass  hole ofc, and it was owed to this that Ben, despite being to be shown the ropes, that he didn’t partner with the new guy despite being the only person there who could have helped him out. Nick was very, very good at his job, and due to his insecurities he wasn’t about to stop being the best and give people the chance to realise he doesn't get better than how effective he is at his work. I won’t get into the root of his insecurities, but he genuinely believes that he would lose all respect and that if he ever stopped being a try hard people would lose all reason to bother with him at all, and all he wants is for others reach out and be a friend to him. hes dealing with a lot of the same loneliness Ben is, but so long as he doesn't lose the facade of being a fully functional adult with a good job and a ‘loving’ wife he wont have to introspect and face who he thinks he is deep down (i.e. a man incapable of loving his wife romantically because of some personality fault he cant comprehend of how to fix as opposed to him just being gay and having a lot of internalised homophobia).

It takes Ben and Nick both reaching the point where they snap under the weight of the world they live in and the people who occupy it for them to come together. Nick ended up actually asking to take Ben on as a partner, and it took a lot of the load off of emotionally crippling work (serving a government neither of them believed in but being wholly incapable of escaping it, status quo being almost the only thing keeping them in place as opposed to trying to physically escape what they're doing together) but better yet, for nick, Ben helped bring out a side of him that wasn’t so afraid to be known by others, and he started opening up to other people at the same time as growing closer to him. (I think its important to like.not that nick doesn't wholly rely on Ben for all of his self esteem etc Ben is just a positive impact who gives him a space where nick can learn for himself that his worth doesn't depend on other peoples perception of him.) Nick realises that a lot of his negative perception/jealousy/etc of Ben when they first met was because he saw a lot of himself in him, Nick was in more or less him when he started some 5 or so years ago, and Nick helps Ben out in the way he wished someone had been there for him because he cares a hell of a lot about him and wants him to have the best chance at things.

And they grow into better people and just at the pique of things, where Nick is enjoying not being in an abusive relationship and staying with Ben while he gets back on his feet, Ben gets drafted and is trained at first to become a power armored foot soldier (standing at nearly 6′6″ he’d be a monument of fuck you to the enemy) but do to his deliberately bad aim with weapons, hes instead trained to pilot a vertibird, where hes then shipped off to anchorage. its there that he goes MIA after going against orders with his co pilot to provide medical assistance to a group of people stranded off from communication he spotted in flight earlier. Ben ended up glad later on that he and his co pilot were shot down, because for all 25 hours he was left dying in the snow, it meant that he didn't have to justify him going against orders by bringing back Chinese soldiers who’d end up a lot worse for wear than him. By the time his KIA status was revoked (they weren’t about to announce the miracle of his survival before they knew he’d survive lol) he’d already had a funeral, which Nick had attended, because I write like everything's a soap opera. but yeafksf him dying and attending his funeral left nick in a lot of grief, because he’d thought he’d have forever with Ben to go slow with him into being in a relationship and now Nick thought he’d never get that chance. and when they meet back up after it all when Ben returns it’s romantically charged to say the least.

Obviously I haven’t been sticking entirely to lore with this but the lore presented in fallout 4 is fucking bullshit so. i hesitate to call this a fix but i need to put in this disclaimer before i start spouting off. hey how about instead of nicks fiance getting iced jenny lands was actually his partner once he transferred to Boston to be with his husband to be, and she was cruelly twisted against her own intentions to try and kill nick because Eddie winter put her family in jeopardy and Eddie doing this was a coordinated attack towards them both that hes not just powerful enough to get revenge he can do it in such a way that they cant even trust the people around them. And nick got his mind juices squeezed or brain scanned whatever because of the resulting trauma of being shot by his best friend jenny. and also ‘Shaun’ is Ben and Nicks kid Max and upon learning later as a gen 2 that his son is the leader of a great source of trauma for nick hes forced to introspect in ways that have more tangible effects because his ability to decide who he is as a man ties into immediate problems  And nick doesn't have to focus on revenge disguised as justice because he has a responsibility to live in the here and now.

Thank you for this ask!! I hope that was coherent enough to understand kjdsf if you have any more questions about him or anything else I talked about I’d be flattered to hear them!

[friskdaferret]

You ever have one of those dreams that is so obviously trying to tell you something.

Yeah I had one of those a while ago and wrote it down. And Im gonna tell you about it cause why not.

Some things you need to know before I tell you tho.

1. My real name is Finn

2. When I was in elementary school I had a friend who's full name gets used in the dream but Im nott gonna tell you their full name cause this is the internet and trust no one so Im gonna call him A. Full name being AG. Coolio? Coolio. (Also in the dream he was grown up to my age so I didn't recognise him at first since I haven't seen him since elementary school)

3. A bouncy house maze is exactly what it sounds like. But in them the walls are pressed together because they are blown up so you cant tell where anyone is unless you are touching them or talking.

I am still trying to figure out what it meant... It was too well put together to not mean anything. So yeah.

Enjoy.

So I think it started out in a classroom where the students were ranked mideavle style for some reason. I was Finn the Warrior and I was sat next to the king and... Someone else of similar importance, but I dont remember exactly. Anyways we were handed out a work sheet that gave us our ranking and the topic of fighting came up (maybe we were supposed to fight???) and I pointed out that fighting or running from someone in one of those bouncy house mazes is a nightmare because you cant see who is in front or behind you or where you are, you either have to get lucky or memorize the maze as you go along, plus you are panicking the whole time trying to escape the person.

That started one of those transitions to 2 people doing that exact thing. Then it flashed back to me in the classroom hearing other people say I would be good for something since I was the warrior.

Transition to an animated YouTube video about a girl who said something along the lines of, "I know people think Im creepy or weird and usually just watch me for animation help but I appreciate all my viewers" and she did this while styling a wig for herself by taking a normal curly wig and coloring it with blush to give it multiple shades of colors.

Then it transitioned to her in real life at her house, there was a long ditch around her house and I think she had a dog??? It showed her coming out of her room dressed in a pastel pink dress after styling her wig and said hello to another person of probably the same age, maybe younger, hunched over a book, dressed in black or dark grey.

Transition to me outside the house hiding behind some long grass next to the ditch being told to go in there by the king and... She comes out of the house and invites me in. She was really nice, she showed me how she does her wigs

Then it transitions to an outdoor pool party where I am still refered to as Finn the Warrior and then transitions to more examples of people running from others in bouncy house mazes.

Transition back to the pastel girls house. I am now sitting in a room off of where she styled her wigs and the girl from earlier dressed in black is sat next to me and the topic of stories come up and she wants to hear a story, the pastel girl says something like "you're good with stories, aren't you finn? Tell us a story" and I was like, "ok, what kind of story do you want? Fairytale, story, fable, something with a morel, a warning about the fae?" and the girl in black said "I like the velvitine rabbit!" and I was like, "oh I actually don't remember that one" so she handed me a yellow paperback book labeled, the velvitine rabbit. I was about to start reading it when the door is kicked open and a person barges in. Transition to me being held out of that room in a hallway next to the rickety wooden stairs where the guy holding me is talking to another man and they are both revealed to be vampires and the guy holding me is named A. I am... Suspiciously calm, know that someone will come to help, and just before he tosses me to the other guy I say, "A,,, like A G? You're A G?" and so he stopped what he was doing hesitated and ran off with me through the house and I think we ended up in a green house??

Transition back to me in the classroom, still being refered to as Finn the Warrior and I started talking to the person to the other side of me (Princess? Queen? Dutches?) she was a few years younger than me. She was saying something like "you should be able to do it"

Transition back to me being heald captive by a vampire Idk where in the house I am now, 2 people bust into the room and I shout "ITS A G" A panics and bites into my neck, tosses me onto the floor and runs. I remember thinking im fine he bit me on the wrong side of the neck and i wont turn because of the bite. Transition to me this time running through a bouncy house maze trying to escape Someone, the dream ends.

[breathings-of-the-heart]

Levi x Reader Part 3

Love me Black and Blue

A/N: Happy New Year, everyone! Hope all’s well so far, and looking forward to 365 days of self-love, prosperity, human relations, and of course, more Shingeki no Kyojin! I don’t really have a preface for this chapter, other than the fact that its probably one of my favorites. As always, enjoy <3

(Part 1);  (Part 2) (Part 4 sneak peek)

Please don’t tell me they already left...

You bolted forward, hissing in pain as your wrapped ankle protested against the fast and sudden movement of running. A self-induced sense of urgency spurred you onward despite it, but such carelessness twisted the injury further as you misstepped, stumbling forward slightly.

You barely flinched, bending down and tightening the bandages before treading forward once more with a bit more awareness. And without missing a beat, a distant gallop of horse hooves shook the ground. Like a cat hunting prey, your orbs darted towards the direction of the sound and spurred you onward.

“Of all days to wake up late,” you hissed underneath your breath, voice dripping with sarcasm.

A few greetings were tossed your way as you passed, casual at first until those who laid eyes on your intense gaze gave you a double take.

Your shirt wasn’t completely buttoned, the sleeve tucked on one end and rolled down on the other. Usually kempt (h/c) locks were a tangled mess tossed over your shoulders, pants consisting of flimsy sleeping shorts. It was probably a ridiculous sight to see you limping across camp so ungracefully, and in such a condition.

Catching a certain someone was more important than the throbbing sensation or uncharacteristic behavior, however.

“Captain Levi!”

Seeing a onyx-haired male just a few paces ahead of you now, you reached your arm out and tugged on the Captain’s sleeve desperately to stop him. But the burst of speed and short distance between the two of you was something you hadn’t considered.

He halted the uniform stride abruptly. You broke pace, yet being in such a hurried state left transitioning time too narrow. Unable to halt yourself in time, you collided with Levi’s sturdy back…

… and the ground slipped from beneath you.

“Shi--”

Weight precariously balanced on your back heels, you screwed your eyelids shut to prepare for your collision with the hard earth.

But the impact never came.

Levi turned around curiously, seeing the situation and calmly yet unnaturally quickly slipping his arm around your waist before you could completely trip backwards.

He muttered a small “tch,” at your lack of professionalism and shook his head, looking down to give you a much-needed lecture.

“(Y/N), how many times have I--” 

Levi’s eyes flickered lower, but as soon as they did, he froze.

The current angle of your half-dipped figure and barely covered cleavage made it difficult to restrain himself from... staring. Of course you’d be oblivious about such a thing.

Levi screwed his eyelids shut in exasperation.

“--Forget it,” he finished, reverting to his usual collected self. “I won’t waste my breath.”

You tentatively opened your eyes, hands gently brushing against Levi’s firm chest. Even underneath his uniform, you could feel his impressive muscles, and became embarrassed for not hating his hand gripping your side. Heichou’s body against yours made your heart pound so fiercely you were afraid he would be able to feel it.  

Stunned the whole situation, your pupils dilated as you were given the opportunity to properly admire the man in front of you.

But the moment had to end as Humanity’s Strongest cleared his throat and heaved you upwards. Blushing, you dusted yourself off as the tension-filled scene passed. Nearly everyone who knew Levi also knew it was impossible to deny his handsome appearance, but you were professional.

Maybe not at the moment, but...

“You’re a mess,” he clicked his tongue in disapproval. You rubbed your arm sheepishly at the comment. “Why aren’t you in the infirmary?” his voice brought you back to focus and you felt yourself flush once again.

“There aren’t any medics around to keep me away, and I just wanted to see you off, is all…” you answered shyly, biting the inside of your cheek.

“I literally think it’s impossible for you to just… do as you’re told,” he admonished finally as you observed the unamusement in his steele blue-gray orbs. Levi prepared to tell you off for disregarding your health so easily, but as he got a better look at you, something stopped him.

His fixed look shifted from your heaving torso down to the bandages on your leg, the panting of your laboured breathing filling the air.

Guilt and worry reflected your off of your eyes, pure and innocent. Your already petite form seemed even smaller underneath your crestfallen posture, and combining with the utter chaos of your appearance and the pain in your ankle you must’ve been ignoring to reach Levi so quickly, he couldn’t help but soften his expression a fraction.

You were simply really, really worried for your family.

“It’s just… This is the first time I won’t be going with you all, sir. I’m not used to it, and…” there was a pause. “I don’t like it...”

Petra’s gaze flitted to where you and Levi were stood, and she motioned to everyone around her, all nearby and saddling up their horses. They all smiled warmly, the waves of concern and anxiety radiating from you feasible from where they gathered around. The Captain felt their burning stares and ignored them, narrowed his eyes at you instead.

You grew flustered. Was he really angry with you for wanting to say goodbye? You replayed the brief conversation in your head, trying to find where it went wrong.

Oh.

“Not that I don’t think you’re capable without me! You obviously can handle yourselves just fine, even if you were all on your own. I don’t think I carry the squad or anything. I know you are--”

“--(Y/N)?” he cut you off, efficiently abridging your words. Out of nervous habit, you bit your lip. Levi squad all sauntered towards you, synchronized even in their steps.

“It’s just a regulation border patrol,” he continued, unfazed as they all approached. Oluo rested his arm on your shoulder, and you had to crane your head upwards to look at him, reluctantly breaking focus from the short Captain.

“Don’t worry, Shorty Girl. We’ll be back before you know it. Hell, I could probably do one of these by myself. In my sleep,” he boasted, predictably. You smiled softly at his pompous attempt to reassure you. Petra, unaffected by the Levi-wannabe’s ‘charm’, rolled his eyes.

“So you’re telling me you can spot titans with your eyes closed, dumbass?”

Before he could respond, Levi took initiative over the inevitable pointless bickering that was about to break out.

“Let’s stop wasting my time and actually get this over with,” he ordered, gaze never leaving you as he waved them off. Gunther sent you a discreet thumbs up as Eld pulled him away, waving at you as she went. Your stomach churned with anxiety regardless.

“I’m sorry, Heichou,” you croaked, playing with the ends of your hair. Levi sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Stop worrying about it, brat. It’s not your fault. And start taking better care of yourself, if you want to come with us next time.”

“Yes, sir,” you conceded defeatedly, watching desparidly as Levi turned to mount his horse. Seeing his back to you, about to leave to the uncertainty of the outside, made something snap, though, and you tugged on his sleeve once again.

“Captain, wait!” you nearly shrieked, fear growing in a frantic spurt. He looked back, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

There was a pause.

“I...uh…” to be honest, you had nothing else to say. All you knew is that you didn’t want him to go just yet.

You really cared about them, didn’t you?

“Oi,” the stoic man interrupted, lamenting to the crestfallen, puppy-eyed countenance you were wearing. He reached out, pulling your hand away from the hair it was tugging at.

“We’ll come find you when we get back.”

You sighed, but there was an undeniable sincerity in his words. Levi paused, studying your expression for an awkward, silent minute as if daring you to question the statement.

“Okay,” you gave in, skin suddenly set ablaze where Levi’s fingers touched it. The gnawing worry was forgotten if only for an instant. “I guess you should be off, then, so you can return before I drive myself insane.”

Levi’s gaze met yours steadily, gears turning in his head as he monotonously analyzed the dejection in your expression. He raised his hand and signalled to the squad behind him to move out.

Petra, Gunther, Eld, and Oluo all waved to you in turn before galloping off. You were sure Humanity’s Strongest was going to leave without another word, and the churning feeling in your gut made you lightheaded as the Captain’s grip on his horse’s reins grew tighter. It must’ve been evident on your face.

Levi rolled his eyes.

“Have a little faith, (Y/N),” He insisted apathetically before turning his horse to join the others, leaving you behind.

You nodded in defeat, watching the Special Operations Squad disappear in the distance, without you alongside them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sat on the nurse’s desk table, one leg hanging off and the other propped up, your head resting on your knee. Hange scuffled around, grabbing certain items for her titan experiments as you watched her intently.

She seemed to be in search of a particular item, eyes squinted in concentration. A bundle of materials rested in one of her arms, filled with intimidating scalpels, lighters, and vials of unknown substances. You began absentmindedly playing with the hem of your long skirt, the shuffle of the brunette’s movements blurring in your ears.

After rummaging through the cabinets for a solid five minutes, she pulled at her hair in frustration, whipping around to face you.

“(Y/N)...” she whined, rather loudly, jolting you back to awareness. “I can’t find a needle, and you’re just sitting there doing nothing!”

You shot the scientist a fierce glare and pulled out the drawer from the desk underneath you, pointing to the object she was looking for in silence. Hange shook her head softly, plucking the injection from its place.

“I’m getting gray hairs just staring at you, you know. Honestly, it’s like there’s a dark cloud pouring rain over your head. They’re fine, (Y/N). Lighten up.”

You crossed your arms and stuck your nose in the air defensively.

“I didn’t ask you to babysit me, so don’t complain about me polluting your good mood. You can always go if you want to.”

She clicked her tongue.

“Actually, I can’t. Corporal Shorty demanded I watch you while they’re gone.” There was a twinkle of humor in her eyes.

Taken aback, you scoffed lightly. “What does he think I’m going to do? I can barely move five feet in front of me.”

Hange laughed, provocatively grinning at you before turning around to grab a bag to place her things. The disposition in the room changed, and you knew the next thing out of the scout’s mouth would be utter ridiculousness.  

“I don’t know, (Y/N). Why would someone as dark and brooding as Corporal Shorty leave someone in charge to make sure your angelic self stays perfectly safe in this room?”

So you had been correct. Noting that you were in a particularly sour mood, you saved no expense in considering Hange’s potentially gentle ego as you bluntly glowered at her.

“You know I hate it when people speak in riddles. Insinuation is pointless, Hange. Either say what you mean or shut the hell up,” you huffed, any semblance of your typically cheery personality having disappeared with your squad members.

Hange folded her arms across her chest and you inhaled deeply, wondering what had come over you.

“You’re too perfect for words, (Y/N),” the woman laughed, poking you on the nose sweetly. “No wonder Levi has taken a liking to you.”

Your cheeks flamed. If you weren’t already red from you interaction with said man that morning, you were probably scarlet now. Gauging your reaction, Hange doubled over her strange cackling growing in volume as you willed your mind not to wander off into daydream about his perfectly sculpted body, alluring orbs, defined jawline--

Wait. Since when did I start thinking about that?

“Yeah, you’re perfect for his squad,” she finished, placing a hand on her hip.

Oh. That’s what Hange meant. Of course.

You cleared your throat, willing your face to cool down in the process. She was so friendly, you started to feel sorry for snapping at her the way you did.

“I’m sorry for my bitterness, Hange,” you started apologetically. “It’s just that my job is to help them, so when I can’t, what am I good for?”

“--If you want to help, it will do well for you to stay put and heal. Petra can’t survive much longer without someone to help her tame the other brats,” a voice broke in.

You perked up instantly as your gaze snapped to the familiar sound, nearly jumping off the table after realizing Levi was leaning against the doorframe. Sunlight seemed brighter, and the world regained a bit of its color.  

“Naturally. Only you can handle for such a task by yourself,” you smiled, feeling the ton of weight lifting from your chest.

Love and relief for your teammates hitting you like a rush as he sauntered closer. Your first impulse was to throw your arms around the short-statured man as soon as he was in arms-length, but you tightened your fists instead, puzzled by the urge to do such a thing. He placed himself between your legs and blew his hair out of his face.

“Hm,” Levi grunted, as if agreeing to the statement.

The raven turned to Hange, as if suddenly remembering her presence while you held your breath next to him.

“You can go now, if you’d like.”  

She nodded, clutching her things tighter.

“Finally! She’s been a pain in the ass, that one,” the glasses-clad female exclaimed, a cheeky smirk plastered on her face. She ducked with the preknowledge that something would be chucked at her head.

Your glower was pressing daggers into her skin, but nevertheless, Hange winked at you as she ushered herself out of the room.

Without much of a warning, Levi placed your hands on his shoulders and his own on your hips.

“Down you go. The others are waiting for you,” he montoned, assisting you gently climb down from the cold, steel table.

Touching Levi’s broad shoulders alongside with the fact that you hadn’t needed help at all, which he knew, made your heart pound. The entire way to the mess hall, he kept a soft touch on the small of your back to guide you, making sure you wouldn’t trip. He looked down at your shorter form and leaned down to whisper something.

“Oh, and in case you thought I was being nice: two weeks of kitchen duty for disrespecting Hange.”

Something nagging bloomed in your stomach despite Levi’s unknowingly seductive tone, however; a distant memory chiming in demand to be remembered. One that made your palms sweat as you stole a glance at him.

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot