#kunsel ff7

[rottenpumpkin13]

Out Of Context Shit Heard On The SOLDIER Floor #6

Previous: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5

Angeal: No, Genesis, you spaghetti-noodle-spine-having-ass bitch.

Sephiroth: I identify as a tonberry *chases Cloud with a kitchen knife*

Zack: Ra Ra Rasputin *kicks Sephiroth over*

Genesis: Unhand me you cretin *alone, talking to no one*

Angeal: Zack just showed me a picture of the Grinch and said "hear me out"

Lazard: No, Sephiroth, you cannot have a human-sized cat bed in your office "for enrichment"

Cloud: Parkour time *crashes through the air vents*

Sephiroth: I'm the biggest lesbian ally in this department, actually.

Angeal: For the sake of my sanity I'm gonna pretend I didn't just see Zack twerking to One Winged Angel.

Luxiere: I would commit unspeakable atrocities for a crumb of Zack's attention.

Lazard: That stripper pole better be gone when I get back or so help me, Genesis, I will return you to the goddess.

Sephiroth: *does a single pump of sore throat spray* This is enough for sustenance for the day.

Kunsel: Care for a deep-fried cigarette?

Angeal: You look like an AI-generated twink.

Sephiroth: I've grown so tired of Genesis's voice that we now communicate solely through interpretive dance.

Lazard, over the speakers: Whoever heated fish in the break room microwave, please come by my office so I can break your knees.

Zack: Aww, I forgot to feed the Roomba :(

Genesis: I don't know why me and Angeal are being judged. Simulating a birth with a watermelon is a perfectly normal activity for two people.

Kunsel: Hopefully this office party won't end in accidental weed use.

Angeal: WHY IS THERE A FAMILY OF RACCOONS IN THE TRAINING ROOM?

Genesis: I noticed some homosexual subtext in your screams, do you want to talk about that?

Angeal: *sniff sniff* Ooh~ who's barbecuing? OH MY GOD IT'S AN ELECTRIC FIRE.

Roche: Every time I think about chopping my hair short I think "Sephiroth wouldn't want this for me" and the feeling is gone.

Genesis: I made a friend *drags in a skeleton with a Sephiroth wig*

Cloud: *points at Angeal, Genesis and Sephiroth* Pure of heart, dumb of ass, big of tit.

Lazard: I told Zack to use Excel and he started sobbing.

Angeal: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SEASONING YOUR GROUND BEEF?

Sephiroth: It's extremely rude to ask someone why they're eating a salad bowl of udon at 8 AM. Mind your business, Zack.

Cloud: Genesis likes Loveless so much because the title resonates with his love life.

Zack: You keep your anxiety pills in a takeaway to-go box? Dude that's so fancy.

Lazard: Why is Sephiroth the only one wearing a shirt??

Angeal: Common sense has chased Zack all his life but he wears wheelies so he's faster

Sephiroth: I personally don't use the peace sign because I haven't had a day of peace since I was 12.

Kunsel: I'm never going out in public with Zack again. A child's balloon popped when it went near his hair.

Angeal: No I'm not giving you an aspirin. Last time I gave you one you crushed it and snorted it like cocaine.

Lazard: An overwhelming majority of you peaked in kindergarten.

Sephiroth: Zack, I'm becoming increasingly concerned by the amount of potatoes in your pants right now.

Zack: This year I want an A/B/O themed birthday party.

Sephiroth: Please don't commit tax fraud, Genesis. You won't thrive in prison.

Genesis: Does anyone have an extra ramen packet to give Sephiroth? The 64 he consumed this morning weren't enough.

Roche: Commander Rhapsodos and his emo fringe is our culture.

Zack: I'm at my fucking limit! I'm about to eat a vegetable!

Genesis: He's a son of a bitch Sephiroth: That implies he has a mother, so I don't see how that's an insult.

Zack: Fuck around and find out *said with a chunk of Genesis' red coat hanging from his pocket*

Cloud: Does anyone have an extra brain cell? I lost my remaining one when Genesis spoke to me this morning.

Sephiroth: Damn.

Kunsel: Zack owes me so much money that if he sold his box of random shit he stole from Angeal, he still couldn't pay me back.

Angeal: Why are you guys playing Queen's Blood in the closet? is this a metaphor?

Genesis: Have you prayed to your Sephiroth cardboard cutout yet today?

Sephiroth: Alert me once Rufus Shinra arrives so that I may greet him adequately *said while building a pipe bomb*

Lazard: It's all fun and games until the timeout cage that I ordered online arrives.

Genesis: I will atone for my sins by becoming a nuisance to the environment.

Cloud: If Zack were a scented candle he'd smell like ADHD and crayons.

Sephiroth, standing on a table: DO NOT. EAT. THE CHEESECAKE. IN THE FRIDGE. It's mine.

Angeal: *with a bucket while it's raining hale* Free ice baby.

Zack: I finally have enough gil to buy a sixteen bouncy castles.

Genesis: Being overcome with the desire to eat pasta and call your mother at 2 AM and wondering if you're having a mental breakdown or are possessed by Sephiroth.

Lazard: I can't fire any of you, but I'm about to start setting things on fire.

[wowa-bublord]

could slap kunsel in with Roche and Jonny and make that there a polycule

what else do you have in your beautiful mind

[xionthedragonart]

*Final Fantasy 7′s your Kingdom Hearts*

[salternateunreality2]

Genesis Rhatsodos Facts

compiled from conversations with @snowbanshee and @rottenpumpkin13

---------------------------------

Genesis Rhatsodos' World:

Angeal and Lazard are roommates, who together own a little zoo of critters.

Lazard's favorite handsome best princess is, of course, Sephiroth. Who is a wild cat/domestic cat hybrid that Lazard insists is "just a sweet Maine Coon". Lazard is delusional.

Lazard also owns Roche, who is a cockatiel who gets into chattering matches with Genesis Rhatsodos.

Angeal has Rhatsodos and puppy Zack, and puppy Zack brought home little baby chick Cloud one day and absolutely refuses to let anyone take him away, though Sephiroth constantly is trying to, and Angeal and Lazard just want to save the baby and return him to his mother.

Kunsel (Krowsel) is a very clever little tiny crow who wandered in one day and rides around on Zack's head and supports him in his Cloudnapping endeavors. He belongs to no one but himself.

Cloud grows up to be a full-blown menace the size of a large goose or small swan. They are unsure of his species because he's so fast and yellow and bright.

---------------------------------------------------

Genesis Rhatsodos' Preferences and Habits:

He eats only the finest of floor cheeses.

Does he bite? He is Genesis Ratsodos, of course he bites. His teeth are the sharpest teeth in all of Mousegar. YES INCLUDING KITTYROTH'S.

Does he solve puzzles for snacks? He would NEVER...admit that. ONLY FOR ANGEAL. ANGEAL MAKES ANGELIC SNACKS.

Genesis Rhatsodos is Very Upset about everyone taking attention from him and gets into fights with Sephikitty often, but they secretly like to cuddle together when it gets cold.

Genesis Rhatsodos' favorite food is apple cheese.

He might just be the smallest in this AU, but don't say that to his face. Especially after Cloud goes through bird-puberty.

He wars with himself over his dignity and size in his fight with Kittyroth. Ultimately, Genesis nobly chooses to continue the fight, even though Cloud is a better warrior against the cat. However, he continues the fight atop Cloud's back, riding him like a mighty steed and stabbing Kittyroth with his sword when he can.

Speaking of his sword, it is named Ruby because it's a red sword-toothpick from a fancy tea party Angeal attended.

Genesis Rhatsodos is a hoarder, and keeps shiny and good things in his enclosure, like a booklet he pretends to read that is rat-sized.

Angeal saw how taken he was with human things and lined his enclosure with backdrops to mimic a house, and put rat-safe doll furniture throughout.

He has a "room" with a "fireplace" that's always painted to be going strong. He loves to curl up there and watch as the glittery paint catches the afternoon sun.

He constantly squeaks, and while Angeal can't understand him, he somehow knows in his heart that it's quotes from Loveless, Genesis Rhatsodos' favorite book/movie/anything.

[thelovelymissbigbadwolf]

A normal day being friends with Kunsel:

*Zack is off to his usual training session with Angeal when he sees Kunsel just standing there. With two birds in separate cages.*

Z: Oh, nice, what're you doing with those birds?

K: Selling them you wanna?

Z: Hm... How much is the bottom one?

K: 70Gil, but only if you take the one on top too.

Z: Oh, and how much is the top one?

K: 100Gil.

Z: DANG, what the hell, man?! It's the bottom one that sings!

K: Yeah, the bottom one sings and the top one is the composer.

*Zack is convinced and takes the two birds. Yes, he was scolded later.*

[sometimesrufus]

So, how do you feel about that Kunsel guy? He's like a hair's breadth from First Class, but he behaves like a Turk. Better surveillance too... is he one of yours?

"I'm sorry, I don't know most employees by name. I've seen Soldiers with the Turks before. I can't be sure which one you mean."

[hiddentrails7]

It's 4am

And I'm thinking about Kunsel and Roche for some reason

While eating cream cheese and pickle slices

[crylin]

fan club time ~🌟

[artofalassa]

Sparkling Coffee

The first meetings, huh?

Happy FF7EC launch day!

[little-black-dress-zack-fair]

Zack: Did you know I can tell the time just by looking at the stars Spikey?

Cloud: Really?

Zack: Yeah, Kunsel taught me, wanna see?

Cloud: Definitely.

Zack: Alright.

Zack: *looks up at the stars*

Zack: It's nighttime.

Cloud: Oh fuck off.

[esamastation]

Shizuroth, part twenty-four

Previous parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three

-

There are few things you learn very quickly after joining the SOLDIER program.

One, mind your own business. If it looks like it's above your paygrade, it is, and no amount of curiosity or bluster will be enough to fend off the Turks. Though, honestly, that's just common sense for any employee of Shinra Electric Power Company…

Two, mind your own. You see another SOLDIER struggling, you give them a hand, you put your shoulder out there for them to lean on, and you don't make note of it. They all come out of their first Mako injections, spewing their guts out. If someone acts a bit crazy, you give them a hand, you give them a moment, and you move on.

And three, there is no such thing as too much training. In all honesty, none of them get enough training, with the enhancements they get. They're always playing catch up with the Mako, trying to match skill and control to raw power - which only grows greater with each injection. They rarely even get the time to get adjusted to their latest batch of Mako. It was a waste of time!

Shinra didn't hire them to train them to be Elite SOLDIERs, no. That's what the injections were for, after all - they were an instant shortcut to a capability that normally took up to twenty years of hard training to achieve. SOLDIER were given raw power, relentless endurance and seemingly unstoppable speed at the point of a needle and then… then they were given work.

A lot of SOLDIER Third Classes delighted in that, taking full advantage of the powers given and going to town, not paying much mind to technical skill. What is skill when you can outrun, outlift and outlast every other human out there? Lot of Thirds let it get to their heads.

A lot of SOLDIER Thirds never made it to Seconds.

The ones that made it to Seconds knew better, usually. The only way to get there was to rise above Thirds, and the only way to do that is by training. Which they often had to beg, borrow, bribe and steal for. Martial art manuals from Wutai, physical training from athletes, actual one on one sessions with older and more experienced warriors… even spars against each other, all worth their weight in materia in the SOLDIER program.

And training from a SOLDIER First Class…? Priceless.

Angeal Hewley was the best for it - he liked training with Seconds and sometimes even Thirds. He was a good teacher too, he took personal interest, he kept up with progress, he gave challenges. You could really feel yourself improving, under Angeal's hand.

Genesis Rhapsodos was… also good, if you needed tutoring in Materia. There was no better Spellcaster in Shinra then Genesis, and you could tell that he was always striving to get better. Unfortunately he gave up on his students if he felt they weren't putting in enough effort. Which was, sooner or later, all of them.

But Sephiroth…

"Good," the First says, still with that absolutely deranged smile on his face as he walks through their ranks, checking their stances. "Now again, from the beginning - one, two, three…" He actually claps a beat, and the SOLDIERs go through the poses in sequence, sifting in time with his claps. 

Kunsel's knees are shaking, and he can feel strain in muscles he used to be absolutely sure he'd trained enough. His grip on his sword is white-knuckled, and he can feel the way the tip is quivering radiating down the blade, into his hands, his wrists, his arms. He barely dares to breathe.

At Sephiroth's call, he shifts with everyone else to the next pose - feet shifting and then back firmly in the ground.

No one dares to breathe too loudly, and no one has said a word - no one wants to break whatever has come over Sephiroth. 

In his mind, Kunsel is desperately trying to memorise everything so that the moment it ends he could write it all down.

"Knee," Sephiroth says to someone, and there's a shift of a boot as someone shifts their position. "Good. Lower your left elbow. Very good. You there, relax your grip, breathe."

Kunsel's heart skips a beat as Sephiroth speaks to him, as the First approaches him. "No need to have such a death grip. It's better to lose your sword than your fingers," the First says, smiling, smiling, green eyes glowing.

Kunsel almost drops the whole sword as Sephiroth touches his hand to urge him to relax. His breath escapes in a wooshy exhale and Sephiroth, SOLDIER First Class, chuckles at him.

"There, that's much better, isn't it?" And before Kunsel can do more than gape at him, the First is moving forward. "Good! Now, is everyone ready?" Sephiroth asks, sauntering up to stand in front of them.

"Yes, sir!" comes the instant answer from about a dozen SOLDIERs.

"So obedient," Sephiroth purrs. "Good. Now swing!"

Dozen sword beams launch in unison at the First, who watches them come with a smug little smile, before swiping them away with a single easy swing of his sword.

"There, everyone got it, very good," Sephiroth says, watching them like he wants to eat them all. "You have done this master very proud. That ends today's lesson - I want all of you to practise these moves, but without activating your Qi. Do not tempt Qi-deviation."

Like with most things Sephiroth has said during the lesson, none of them have any idea what he's saying, but they agree nonetheless. "Yes, sir!"

"Good. Go on then," Sephiroth says with a little wave and still with that smile. "Shoo!"

Sephiroth just shoo'd them.

On still shaking knees, Kunsel stumbles with the rest of the Thirds and Seconds out of the destroyed training room. They're all just about equally shell-shocked as they quietly meet with the SOLDIERs who hadn't been able to fit in the lesson, but who had all been watching, avidly, as it progressed.

There's a sense of shock and awe in the air - like they'd all just gone through a bombing run together, and it has been equal parts amazing and horrifying.

"None of this gets off this floor," a voice says quietly from the back. One of the older Seconds, whose name Kunsel doesn't know. "Got it? Anyone asks, you say nothing about this. As far as anyone outside this floor is concerned, nothing happened."

"Sephiroth, is he…?"

"He calmed down after Professor Hojo and the technicians left," the older SOLDIER whispers very firmly. "And that. Is. All."

Kunsel swallows and looks back through the malfunctioning, still open automatic doors.

Sephiroth has taken seat on the floor in the middle of the devastation with Masamune held upon his crossed legs. He's meditating.

"I think I'd die for him," someone breathes out fervently.

Kunsel clears his throat before he can do something silly like agree. "Should we, um… call Director Deusericus, give the all clear? There's bound to be, um… cleanup, and such."

The other SOLDIERs consider this, looking conflicted. 

"I say give it a moment," someone sighs, shakily sitting down on the floor. Whether intentionally or not, he's mirroring Sephiroth's pose. "I, for one, need a moment."

He is not the only one, and they're all trying to look into the training room, to catch a glimpse of the SOLDIER First Class.

After a moment just standing there without a thought in his head, Kunsel joins them. "So, um. Does anyone know anything about mediation?"

They don't, but that doesn't stop them from trying. 

-

Disciples aquired.

[rottenpumpkin13]

Zack discovers that his fan club has made a plushie version of himself. He then proceeds to buy one for everyone of his friends. The SOLDIER trio, Kunsel and Cloud, even the Turks get one.

How do the recipients react to the gift and what do they do with the plushie?

Cloud: He accidentally shrunk one of his scarves in the wash, so he wrapped it around the Zack plushie. He's now dedicated to finding tiny clothes to put on mini Zack.

Kunsel: He filled his plushie with rocks and occasionally throws it at Zack as he screams "ZACK ON ZACK VIOLENCE"

Tseng: He summoned Zack into his office one time to show him how politely and quietly his Zack plushie was sitting on a chair. "Look at him. Do you see that? Do you see how reserved and calm he is? Be more like him."

Reno and Rude: They have a combined collection of SOLDIER plushies and action figures that they battle each other with.

Cissnei: She uses him as a headphone holder in her office. Sometimes her Zack plushie is a jewelry holder. Sometimes it's a paper weight. Many uses.

Aerith: Her Zack plushie is covered in lipstick marks and is a centerpiece on her bed.

Sephiroth: He uses his Zack plushie as a stand in for when he needs to vent to someone but there's no one around.

Sephiroth: —which is why I feel that the human design is flawed and we are all susceptible to guilt no matter how—

*Zack comes in*

Zack: Buddy? Who're you talking to?

*Sephiroth points at the Zack plushie that's sitting on the opposite chair with a cup of tea*

Angeal: He'll never admit this to anyone, but he keeps his on his bedside table and likes to treat it with care. He's especially gentle with it when Zack is away on a mission and he's worried.

Genesis: He kept it as a decoration on his bookshelf, but one time he got angry and lobbed a fire ball that ended up hitting the plushie. He felt so bad that he bought a replacement. He now lives in constant fear that Zack will find out what happened to the original.

[wowa-bublord]

As a feral Kunsel enjoyer myself I am living for him being besties with Aerith and getting to finally reunite with Zack also. What about Cissnei will she join the "beat on Zack because we missed him so much" gang?

I FORGOT TO ANSWER THE PART ABOUT CISSNEI OMG. thank u for the ask!! SHE ABSOLUTELY IS!!

I imagine Cissnei is taking a similar role 2 what she is in rebirth, having stayed in gongaga to help take care of his parents like she said she would, reuniting with him around the same time kunsel and aerith do. I think kunsel and Aerith go to gongaga after Zacks 'death' to see his parents and tell them about the battalion they heard was sent against him when they meet cissnei they end up sticking together, eventually finding zack about a year after

[unknown-lifeform]

Final Fantasy VII text posts (part 22)

The only reason Lucretia isn't broadly accepted as a mad scientist is that Hojo was there establishing his unethical dominance in this essay I will-

[Previous parts]

[salternateunreality2]

Very very AU, please ignore the fact it makes no sense.

So Zack was selected for SOLDIER programme and he's freshly 3rd class. Congrats, Zack! He's meeting our lovely professor Hojo for his, uh... "vitamin" shots, but he's not fully enhanced yet. He's doing fine, tho.

Nah, just kidding, he's not doing fine. He promised to help his mom, he has to study for an exam (yes they still have to finish school) and he started going on missions more frequently.

Of course Zack planned everything perfectly, he'll just have to be in 2 places at once. When the day came, however, he realised it wasn't a good plan. Who could have thought.

So he does what any reasonable person would do and asks his friend to pretend to be him. It's a low priority mission to kill some monsters in the Slums and he can lend his helmet that covers the entire face. A foolproof plan.

How does it go?

Kunsel: Oh hi, "Zack", how are you today? Glad to see you FINALLY took my advice about appropriate head gear.

"Zack": *grunt*

Kunsel: You're looking kinda...half your normal size, are you eating enough, "Zack"?

"Zack": *huff*

Kunsel: And my, so talkative today, it's almost like you're not yourself. Do you need to go lie down, "Zack"?

"Zack": *growl*

Kunsel: *Sigh* Just. Stick behind me kid, this'll be good experience and you're not...WHAT THE SHIT?!

"Zack": *zips around Kunsel at a speed usually not seen in unenhanced humans* *stabbing, growling, slashing, feral whirlwind* *gets bitten* *bites back*

Kunsel: ...

"Zack": *kills the last monster with his bare hands* Hrmph.

Kunsel: ...

"Zack": *picks up his sword that he forgot in his rabid rampage, wipes it off on his pants*

Kunsel: Ok, that action tracks. Can you at least wipe it off on the leg that *didn't* get bitten?

"Zack": *looks down* *grunts*

Kunsel: FFS.

Thankfully, Kunsel had healing materia on him (he was on assignment with Zack, of course he had healing materia on him), but he insisted on taking pictures of "Zack" covered in blood and the wound up close before casting.

Kunsel kept the young man hostage in Kunsel and Zack's shared dorm room so he could shower and change without getting in trouble for impersonating a SOLDIER. Unfortunately for both Zacks, it wound up taking just the right amount of time for Zack to return and Angeal to get out of a meeting.

Cue two very spiky, very sullen young men sitting on a crappy Shinra dorm room bed, one with his leg elevated against his will, being lectured by Angeal AND Kunsel.

Zack: but d- ANGEALLLLLL, he did great! He beat all the monsters and didn't cause problems! Heck, he should be getting his injections, not scolded.

Kunsel: *holding up his PHS* Zack. Look at this. Look this mangled piece of flesh. Can you even tell what body part it's supposed to be?!

Cloud: it's fine now though *tries to put leg down*

Angeal: NO. Cadet Strife, you elevate that limb IMMEDIATELY.

Cloud: *huff* *complies*

[thelovelymissbigbadwolf]

Zack and Kunsel were bored out of his mind and decided to play thumb war. After four rounds in, this happens:

Zack & Kunsel: 1, 2, 3, 4 I now declare a thumb war. 5, 6, 7, 8—

Kunsel: I use this hand to m*sturbate :)

Zack: ... Wha—

Kunsel: grips to his hand :)